A New Untold Story - ....relapse - A New Untold Story: Ep. 349
Episode Date: June 22, 202351 days perfect. Plus, Miresh. Ads: Gametime - Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply). Bear...bottom - Get free shipping on your first purchase at https://bearbottomclothing.com/STORYYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast
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Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube.
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no that was a really good clap on my end
a new untold story episode
382
I don't fucking know
three
I think it's three I'm wasted
yeah so you're off the fucking wagon let's go
welcome back oh maresh is here i'm rushed here too but no no maresh maresh has been on
as many times as you've broken sobriety on this show this was yeah this is amazing yes this is
the whole reason i did this in the first place i Fuck off. No, you're not coming out as winning on this.
I've been doing nothing, but I've been chugging Pink Whitney and Pirate Water, and I feel more perfect than ever.
This was all part of the plan.
This was the end goal.
I guarantee you, this is perfect.
Your end goal from torturing yourself was to drown yourself in barstool branded alcohol.
Perfection isn't monotony to the point of, I feel so happy every second.
No, what I'm doing is perfection.
Normally when you do this shit, you only torture yourself through it.
But this time you've got a collective of brgs to do it we're good
yes so wait a minute they're gonna be they're gonna be we're on the no trust me do i did you
broken the brgs by the way because on the discord i was like hey boys what's for lunch i'm having a
blt and they were like should we add blt to the protocol i was like what no, you should not. No, that's over three bacon, lettuce, tomato.
Disgusting.
Over three.
What I did was perfect.
Fifty one days.
I should have done 50, but I did 51 just because you guys will feel phenomenal on day on.
After that ends and you start to drink again, you will feel perfect. You've missed out on drinking at concerts and at parties, and you decided to break
for the podcast.
Yes. No, I relapsed
two days ago at a bar in
Jersey City, and it was amazing.
Everything is going to plan.
I feel perfect.
All of my clients, don't
worry. I am stronger than
ever. I've maxed out on pretty much
every muscle group yesterday.
It's impossible for you to get stronger. We
are perfect right now.
So we're good.
Today's episode is brought to you by
what's the episode number? 349.
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twenty dollars off your first purchase terms apply give me ten more seconds holy shit okay yeah oh
uh game time game time game time the best the best game time game time is is the second best to what i feel after going sober and
doing perfection protocol for 50 days you're coping so hard no i feel just as good as you
and i did this yesterday no words can describe i feel like i'm in nirvana right now nirvana
oh my god yeah but you you spent 50 days feeling like Kurt Cobain 50 days
what
that was such a good
that was a good one no I spent 50
days feeling the best I've ever wrong
dude the one you're on the protocol
every next move
feels better than the last
and this is this is how are you going to feel
when your buzz wears away?
I'm going to have to keep it going for a
while.
Yeah.
The trough is going to be horrendous.
But we're good. You're just going to keep prolonging it?
Oh my god, yeah. But I forgot how great
this was. What a position
I'm in right now. Does it feel like your first
time ever being drunk? It feels better than
that. It feels better than that it feels better than that and i did adderall when'd you do that i died yeah triple stacks
earlier wait what's the triple stack i true adderall booze and uh you enjoyed an orgasm
yeah and i've jacked off to porn what a life is it at least a genre you didn't like what a life this is trust me take 40
days 50 days off of everything you love and you'll come back i feel amazing my clients on the
protocol don't stop i'm 30 years old you You guys are 22 minus.
You guys stay on the protocol.
Don't do what I did.
Get to day 100.
We're fine.
You and your clients have ruined the Huberman subreddit.
The subreddit.
It's so bad.
This actually pissed you off.
It's a joke now.
But thank God that I have elevated myself to a point of knowledge past andrew huberman so i don't need the podcast if this happened on day 12 to 20
i would have been pissed the subreddit is a joke but we're good we're good
you should post about your experience in that subreddit breaking 50 days i would like i would like to document i have felt joy to the point of almost
tears from doing my day-to-day like routine you've been miserable dude i have been good
sleeping in feels you're not good hitting snooze feels you've been waking up at five
to go watch walk through washington square park and it's yeah it's probably the only pleasant
hour of the day there it's probably still gross part of the protocol is it's, yeah. It's probably the only pleasant hour of the day there. It's probably still gross.
Part of the protocol is it's so easy to be influenced by people, especially the people you perceive as your own friends.
So, yeah, we're good.
So who do you let influence you?
Nobody.
It's you, yourself, and that's it.
What made you decide to drink?
That's the only person I was nervous to golf with a world of t-shirts.
So I had two bucks, right?
That's what broke you.
And that was nerve-wracking.
Beating your goat.
I was so nervous.
He's taller than Kyle.
Yeah, he's like 5'9".
All right, boys.
No, we asked how tall he was. You said, I'm 5'6". How tall are you? And he said, yep.
Yeah, he wasn't responding to me.
No, and everybody was like, why did you have him on the pod?
Oh, I don't know the give and take there.
Yeah, so were you able to interact with him at all or was it kind of like him just right now um so we started it off and we shouldn't have we
feel so good just to like just living right now but he um he gave us way more than i expected
did really yes to me so we started off wrong because we hit him with like a two-pronged
question just be like what's world of T-shirts from?
And like, how did you end up like choosing that like to be your name?
And you just said somebody stole my hat.
Yeah.
And that was it.
Yeah.
Like that doesn't answer the question at all.
No, he didn't answer any questions, but he gave us some things.
I said like what?
I said, like, what is your,
like your,
I don't know what his day-to-day life is outside of the TikToks.
I don't know.
Like I said,
how much do you sleep?
Like how many hours per day do you sleep?
And he just said,
I'm,
I've been on a bender for almost a year.
So I don't know if he sleeps.
Yeah.
So what kind of trough is he going to hit?
The,
yeah,
it's he,
um, we got to get him on the protocol no he he's on the
he's having a lot of fun he's having he's doing what a lot of people do
because he's autistic it's everything is transparent and overt a lot of influencers
are doing the same exact thing as him they're getting more drunk
more fucked up on a day-to-day basis and that he's he's just autistic so he doesn't
he doesn't hide it which is a good thing for him yeah sure so many new influencers are doing worse
than him yeah but he needs to be dialed in. He needs
to stop drinking. Yeah, he does. At least
a couple days. We tried
to get him to stop just on
Mondays.
You said be like Garfield.
Hate Mondays, get lasagna.
And he wouldn't do it.
He was like, I can't take Mondays off. So you guys were like
coaching him up. A little bit, yeah.
Right. Just take Mondays.
You big bro'd him.
Yes.
Nice.
Yeah, we big bro'd him a tiny bit.
Speaking of being big bro'd, when Maresh walked in, man, you fan, tattooed on the thigh.
It's not that.
It's not that.
Man, you look.
What's that logo?
It's one of the England Lions.
Oh, well.
Man, you fan.
No tattoos, so not a huge fan.
Man, city fan, Rudy, a little shit talking happened.
And then I tried to jump in, join the Bants.
And you said you can't spell Aston Villa without ass.
I did not say that.
I said you cannot say Aston Villa without ass.
Which was like you were trying to say that's gay.
I never insinuated that it was gay.
Mind you, you root for a team called Man City.
You made it gay. Which it would be
the gayest place on earth.
You made it gay. Man City.
You made it gay. Mine has the word
ass in it. And also, Rudy,
you're so gay, you forgot women
had asses.
That, what? No.
Secondly, because you're like, it has
ass in it, you must be gay. No, I didn't. I said you. It has has ass in it you must be gay no i didn't i said
it has ass in it all i said gay you forgot that women can have ass at no point was this gay until
nick said it was gay i said you cannot say you root for man united that's men fucking no when
you say that's ass it's bad man united man apart my dick in Kyle's ass, we become what?
Man United, but Man City is gayer.
Man City's not gayer than Man United.
Wait, a town of gay men is not gayer than gay sex.
I don't know.
Man City sounds worse.
Would you rather walk in on Man City or Man United? I don't know.
Man United, it sounds fine.
Man City sounds gay.
It sounds like Man City is a franchise gay bar.
Man United sounds like underground boutique gay place.
That's what I think.
Yeah, boutique.
We're a bigger club.
We're more money.
I never made it gay.
I just said ass.
A beach where Salma Hayek's always emerging from the waves.
Aston Villa sounds straight as fuck.
Thank you.
A lot of facts.
It is.
And I'm fine with that man city.
We're chilling, dude.
We're fine.
I don't even know.
Yeah.
Man city dudes.
So first of all, you know, I'm passionate about this team.
Don't say ass about the team.
You know, that's a trigger for me.
Yeah.
No, clearly.
Cause you, you took that trigger and brought sexuality into it.
When I was just saying asses in like that's ass.
You were your ass.
You were from Man City.
Yeah, I do.
You're Australian. You look like you're from fitzroy what i said that once and it played with like the australian list yeah yeah they did they took that so far australian you you
do so a lot of australians um they rock the look that's long hair solo mustache no beard yeah so you already have that but fitzroy is like
the like the more like douchey gentrified douchey area yeah no i'm a gentrifier you're a fitzroy boy
yeah no and i i didn't even deny and people were giving me shit about it and i was like at one
point did i ever deny this people were giving you shit about being a fitzroy boy yeah and i was like
this is something i'm not even aware of.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hate I'm getting Joey's going to cut my hair.
Booze feels so good.
It's awesome.
I'm I'm almost more concerned than I was earlier.
Hmm.
I'm more concerned than I was when you were a dickhead, a sober dickhead.
Yeah.
I lost control of like my positive emotions.
Yeah.
But it was fine. It was was fine i was loving life did you uh relapse on music as well oh my god yes you dropped the entire protocol
it all started with a cookie i was i was living life perfectly for 50 days 51 i ate 51 days i ate clean i worked out so
intensely i did everything right and i felt amazing throughout the day um what was it i
think it was saturday the cookie that fucked me over the person that fucked me over is cup casey it's mackenzie she
works for us mackenzie lozano her sister has a cookie company called cup casey with k's k-u-p-k-a-s-e-y
and i ate the cookie on saturday or sunday and it was so good dude oh my god what kind of cookie
oh my i finished my like what flavor cookie it was chocolate pretzel
and you went brazy over and i was eating so clean that when i ate the cookie it was like i want it
i was like i'm comfortable with death comfortable death like that wait a minute wait a minute you
had a bite of the cookie you're like i'm ready to die i've lived so well i've lived so well
and this was like the culmination of how well i've lived and how die i've lived so well i've lived so well and this was like the culmination
of how well i've lived and how perfectly i've lived and i was like i'm so ready to die it's the
that is the best feeling in the world it's not mdma it's not heroin it's not meth it's not
massive success at once it's not winning a championship in the best thing ever it's it's feeling like you're ready to die
when you've lived perfectly for 50 days you have to do it 50 days which i did and then you have
something so phenomenally euphoric like a like a cookie that you love it was the best feeling ever
after i ate the cookie while i ate the cookie it was a 9.8 out of 10 after the cookie it While I ate the cookie, it was a 9.8 out of a 10. After the cookie, it was a 10.0.
Why? You were done tasting the cookie?
Because I've said, I've experienced life
to the fullest. I'm so content.
I feel wonderful.
That was the best night of my life.
The next morning...
That was the best night of your life?
The next morning,
I was coming off something that was so good
that I was like, I'm going to do do adderall that doesn't correlate at all i ruined everything did the adderall i was like oh
my god this is good but two hours later i felt like garbage pure garbage the next day i do the
two vodka sprites golf with world of t-shirts come home feel like absolute garbage wake up the next morning
do four shots of fireball wait a minute wait yesterday that was whack you woke up and did
four shots yeah yeah guy what that's part of the protocol you have, it's not. You have to stay sober. As soon as I gave myself an inch, I took a ruler.
I took a yardstick.
And that's what's, it's so easy to stay.
Wait, you woke up and took four?
Yeah, because I woke up and I was like, oh, I kind of feel worse than usual.
I might as well just get wasted at 11 a.m. and then go to the, felt phenomenal.
Did the four shots shots a fireball
um then 6 p.m rolls around i feel so bad like the worst i've ever felt but this was
so perfect for the protocol feeling that bad was amazing because i needed that then i woke up
today and i was like, oh my god,
I got to keep this going. I did more Adderall
and I've been getting wasted for the last
two hours. This is the best.
And it's
all going exactly how you want it.
But you have to go 50 days perfect
and then you'll reach number one. So are you going to restart
perfection after this?
But we don't know when this ends.
Yeah, we'll see when this ends.
You want to after this? I'm going to read, yeah, yeah, I'm going to keep it. But we don't know when this ends. Yeah, we'll see when this ends. You want to read this?
Yeah,
here we go.
Holy shit.
Oh,
this is three cheat,
yeah.
What did you think it was?
What did you say
holy shit to?
I just saw the font
and I was like,
this is,
I get to do this
for a living?
I get to promote something and make
money off of it for a living this is the best this is what my job is of all the things in life one of
the best has to be getting high whenever you want to preach this for years even when i was in the
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Must be over 21.
Thank you, Rudy.
Oh, my God.
What else is going on, boys?
Patel, what's new?
You just got back from Italy.
I just got back from Italy, yeah.
How was it?
I couldn't tell by the hoodie.
Yeah.
Dude, you sent me a picture of you in Italy.
Oh, fuck.
You're going to do that.
What is this?
The hoodie looks great.
Those shoes look sick.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So you were in like the Alps side.
Oh, we went Milan, then Lake Como, then the Dolomites, which is the Italian side of the Alps and
Venice then flew back out of Milan
I'm going to show you this picture of Maresh and you
will gasp
let me turn the brightness up
because god damn
enough light came into the camera for that too
wow
you look so dark dude
holy shit
oh my god.
You didn't get unlocked enough.
Bro, what?
It was so bad.
That looks like an Akon album cover.
Oh my god.
I went Akon mode.
About to marry Heidi Klum.
Shit.
Yeah.
So that was cool.
The other highlight. You can't say the other highlight because this certainly
isn't highlight the opposite it's so dark yeah dude that's that's vanta black yeah i'm learning
that like you know that see like that's one shade away from shiny. The Mediterranean sun. Shiny mode.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The sun was crazy in Lake Como.
I was just getting a lot of parcels.
A lot of parcels.
What was your highlight?
Well, so, you know, you walk around and then like you're up.
There's like the buskers trying to get you to come into their restaurant or all the other Italian restaurants that say this.
They do that in Littlealy here yeah well so uh you know for everyone they're like
come on in come people come enjoy our food they look at me and they keep going hey man we've had
we have halal literally happened like four or five jesus and i was like are there a lot of
tourists from india that go to italy no it's like the Middle East. It's closer. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And like, yeah.
But it's cool.
Yeah, it looked awesome.
Yeah.
I want to do it.
You've been to Europe so many times.
Yeah, I went to Paris twice last year.
This Italy, I'm going to go.
And your mom lives there now.
Have you been to Agra, Karachi?
I've been to India once.
Oki, like Tehran?
Kyle, you should go to India.
You want to go?
I'll run the trip.
You would fucking hate.
Wait, you've been in such a good mood.
That wasn't enthusiastic at all.
No, dude, I would be so fine there.
All right.
Yeah, I'm excited for all of my next ventures.
Can't wait. What other ventures do you have? Whatever is coming up next, I i'm excited for all of my next ventures can't wait what other ventures
whatever is coming up next i'm very excited for are you gonna become the homie with a venture
no i will do anything and i will get off on it i have a venture because when we went to the zoo
i thought of it we did zoos should also just be putt-putt courses.
That's fucking awesome. Zoos are incredible vibes.
But Kyle, what?
We were looking at the kangaroos.
Were you secretly drunk at the zoo and Nick didn't know?
No.
I was dead sober.
No, you were high.
I was always high on weed.
I will say this.
Getting super high on weed throughout every day of the protocol has
made it significantly easier especially when you do it early and you keep doing it yeah
so it's been a run but you want to combine a zoo and a driving driving range
we were looking at the gazelles and he was like i want to hit them right they come close to hitting
them yeah you know like when the the cart drivers would come to clean up the balls and they would
have nests and you would all try yeah i would like to hit the zoo driving range of a rush for
you right would you do it i don't know would you play paintball in the zoo? Oh, yeah. I said that, yeah. How long until you shot an animal?
Or are they still gated off?
You could still shoot a...
No, because that's a whole other element.
The Bronx Zoo hardly gates their animals.
Oh, fuck.
Hardly.
We went to go see the rhino,
and it is like walking into barstool sports.
You can just do it.
Yeah.
Which sucks.
What's up, man?
No, we're good.
Have you experienced a hangover since the 50s?
Oh my God, no.
I've been keeping it going.
Jesus Christ.
Amazing.
Amazing.
No regrets whatsoever?
I'm ready for the trough.
I'm ready.
Holy shit.
What are you holy shitting no i mean i'm loving life
rudy you were just in chicago i can't wait to move and make my next life there yeah so rudy
you drove past your apartment man yeah i did i i did a scouting report on your apartment it's so
ready for the next chapter by the way yeah yeah you mentioned
that and what you see i saw a apartment that was built on something that i didn't think was possible
my god lofted yeah it's lofted they willed it into existence you're above a train track
it's you just can't help yourself can you you're dumb. That's the worst part. No, the worst part is you told me that I didn't understand why I would like that.
You didn't.
No, because I've been, I'm not autistic.
No, I know.
By any fucking means.
And I realized that day 25, I was like, oh my God, I'm so good at conversing, socializing.
I can keep eye contact.
I'm confident.
I can partake in any conversation conversation regardless of my interest in it and now i'm like what so what what do you perceive me
as i i didn't even insinuate that this is similar to nick and the man city thing you i did a dozen
match with you and you showed me your train track toys. Right. That was my nephew's.
Well, I didn't know that. You flexed it.
I'm not a train on.
Okay. Well, then it's a nice apartment regardless.
I'm excited.
But your nephew,
he's a train boy?
No. Soul train.
He had a soul train table.
Yeah.
Type shit. but it was very cool the neighborhood was awesome i'm very excited i'm excited yeah yeah very excited very excited nick went a little bit off the beaten path but his area is cool
yeah ish we'll see how it goes coolish is fine Go on. It's it's it's more, you know, Nick.
Nick, I think, enjoys more the like I'm in like a cool area, but like not where like
a typical guy would go.
That's where Nick is.
That's where I am.
Yeah.
And I'm excited for that.
I'm going to get season tickets to Chicago Sky.
What's that?
That's the WNBA team.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
Yes, I am.
And I'm going to have their their record in my bio at fucking Target.
I'm going to have their record in my bio. I thought I saw you at fucking Target the other day.
I'm going to have the record in my bio.
There was a dude in the Target in downtown Brooklyn wearing a full WNBA jersey.
Shirt, shorts, shoes, and a hat.
Yeah.
All Chicago Sky.
That will be me.
I'm going to be like that guy in the turban for the Raptors.
I'm going to wear a turban to the Chicago Sky game game nick nick turbani yes oh my god i'm going to start wearing a turban to the chicago sky game i want to be that guy but for the sky don't i already have a picture of you in a turban yes
you do you looked good thank you looked sick um seek is that how you say it oh well um and mook i was gone when you you said you were moving to
chicago i am moving everybody's very excited about that i'm very excited about that we're pleased
made it worse yeah um i know what's coming mook tell them tell them what's coming i'm moving to
o block i think at this point i don't
know you can't secure a place i can't get a place i was talking to a realtor and i gave her like my
price range she sent me an apartment i said it was too expensive and she ghosted me so
he said it was too expensive never say it's too expensive say it's too cheap
that fucks him over this has worked for me so many times. I love the place.
It's a little bit cheap for my budget.
I'm going to be looking at more expensive things a little bit off the local path that I'm currently on.
Get back to me later and translate or transcript what I just said and send that to her.
So flip it on her.
Right.
But Kyle, he's not going to get a place that way he's not trying to fuck her
oh yeah if you're not trying to fuck her keep doing what you're doing i thought this was a
mating thing i'm just too broke for a broker oh oh yeah get your money up ask me or nick and
maybe we can do something yeah can you do something what the fuck we'll
yeah he'll try to we'll try to help you okay um but yeah i'm looking for a place now and uh it's
gonna be an o block because that's all i can afford i think so i gotta find you wouldn't stick
out in o block at all no i'd be the king of that place do you think so yeah you should just stand
up there yeah mook live from o block from o block what's the worst place you've done stand up there. Yeah. Mook live from Oblock.
From Oblock.
What's the worst place you've done stand up?
West Philly at an Ethiopian hookah bar.
Oh, fuck.
That's a genre of hookah.
Yeah.
Ethiopian hookah.
It served Ethiopian food.
It was like the crowd.
West Philly Ethiopians.
So people weren't there to see you.
No, for sure not.
You were just in like Ontario, California.
Yeah.
Which is like a very heavily Hispanic populated area.
It was like we were in San Andreas, like GTA.
And you're fine with that.
You go on stage.
The crowd is people who don't know who you are, who aren't like the same sense of humor as you,
I'm presuming.
Yeah.
It was like all dudes in like Oakland Raiders hats with like arm sleeves and
then a bunch of home brace.
And it was just me out there trying to win them over.
That was the least silent H I've ever heard in my life.
But yeah,
that was a dog fight on stage.
Cause you're just trying to relate to like 45 year old,
like bikers and fucking, you know, it was, it was a dogfight on stage because you're just trying to relate to like 45 year old like bikers and fucking, you know.
It was all Hispanic people.
Hispanic.
It was more of a cockfight then.
Would you say you did better with the Ethiopians or the hombres?
The hombres.
I don't know if I'd want to be told jokes as I'm inhaling hookah.
Nobody did.
Yeah.
I was just talking to myself up there. Nobody laughed. No. What did the flyer look like? Was it mook featuring hookah nobody did yeah i was just talking to myself up there nobody laughed no what did the
flyer look like was it mook featuring hookah i could try to find it it is absurd you have the
you actually have there's actually a flyer a night of mooka
laughs and smokes did you guys ever used to do hookah
hookah laughs and smokes did you guys ever used to do hookah like senior year of high school same it was a high school thing i loved hookah a couple in pittsburgh it was like a good taste
yeah i threw out it was it's too much for me yeah it was too much for me but i did like that you got
your own like disposable mouthpiece i thought i was gonna have to share do that again it was
fun yeah a little disposable mouthpiece the second part
thought i'd have to share no no with your hand i don't remember what i did
oh i do have one goal for chicago though that is to riz up laurie lightfoot
you have to i'm gonna try you have to now she is a uh open lesbian i can i can oh yeah yeah
you got that one.
I can go Tybalt.
I'm not shocked.
I didn't know that.
I don't think anybody should be shocked.
I didn't know that, but I'm not shocked by any means.
Is that canon?
Is that true?
Or is that just you?
You need to unplug from the internet, man.
By saying that's canon, it seeps in a lot.
But is it?
It's canon.
It's canon.
It is true.
I did not know that. Okay, so I couldn't find find my flyer but i found a flyer from my boy uh who doing a similar show oh god it looks
like uh this was this is the flyer for like most twerk competitions and look at the yeah in the
bottom right comedian benny is that your boy yeah shout. Shout out comedian Benny. Where are you? So this is
the celebration of love, music, and laughter
with Timmy Too Smooth,
Miss Chitta Chatta,
and then Best Kept Soul?
What are they?
That's the name of the show, I believe. Oh, Best Kept Soul.
Were you in the Best Kept
Soul show? I was in a flyer that looked
exactly like this. Where? Yeah, you're not even
in the flyer. Featuring But this is Friends flyer. Fe exactly like this where yeah you're not even in the flyer
featuring but this is friends flyer featuring special guest break jameson
and should go did they laugh hookah bars that should be your domain entertainment by candlelight.com i'll perform wherever
all right a celebration of love it's amazing i don't want you to be mad about this yeah it's amazing you
haven't quit oh i'm never gonna quit yeah yeah dude you've been through the worst yeah dude
yeah i can't quit your tiktok vlog 15 what 10 hours of buses 15 minutes of comedy yeah yeah
oh yeah you took a greyhound bus to dc yeah i took a five hour bus each way
spent five hours in dc to do 15 minutes of stand-up jesus and i texted you after i figured
that out and i said wow you really love this yeah it's it's fun and i that earned my respect
my dopamine and you're yeah yeah and i'm worried i'm concerned are you getting the the actual dopamine boosts from the shows or does it need
to kill for you to like uh get a boost I get a boost just from being up there because it's like
a rush for sure yeah I feel uh less whole when I don't kill like when I don't get that full
satisfaction is what is like is that worth it I guess say like you went on like see a three city
stop and you killed at one did horribly crowd wise yeah two is that worth it yeah yeah i still want
that that's perfect that's great so yeah you're addicted yeah for sure so yeah that's good doing
it you're doing what you love yeah are all comedians addicted to doing it i think so it's so gay to say like out loud like i'm addicted to like doing
it but like i think at some point your brain actually you know kind of needs it if you keep
if you do it consistently i would say there's much gayer things to be addicted to like man city or
man united yes for sure okay i'm trying to think of what is gayer Man United I can think of a few things that are gayer Man United is a gay wedding
Yes
Only for I guess yeah sorry
I'll get back to you guys
Who's your best player?
Holland?
Yeah Erling Holland
Who's your best?
Rashford
Or Fernandez first name bruno
he did a whole movie being gay yeah dude that's fucking talk with his penis that movie rocked
one on one of my first
dates to see that movie what yeah i didn't realize what i was getting into oh how did that go it was
gonna be like you know it was so funny like borat no she walked out very early she walked out yeah
my friend was also there so he just came back and we just hung out my first movie date was jackass
too i'm trying to think what went on.
Was there less dick?
There was dick enough, but I wasn't old enough.
So my dad sat in the last row and I was with the girl.
What?
To get into an R-rated movie.
Your dad was just there?
He brought us.
But he sat by you. I think I was a freshman.
He didn't sit by me.
He sat behind you.
Yeah, I guess, but like multiple rows.
No play. No, I've said but like multiple rows. No play.
No, I've said it time and time again.
That girl ended up being a model.
For what?
I'm lying.
Didn't think you'd call my bluff.
What episode is today?
Can I piss before you do that?
Yeah.
Sorry, boys.
It's all good.
Oh, fuck.
That was a bad clap.
That was still kind of bad.
Post-Nikki piss clap.
Yeah, I had to pee so bad.
Kyle, what episode are we on?
We are on...
Mook, do your job.
349.
You sure about that
minus 33 from
Nick's original 389
no yeah it is
no that's what I said in the beginning
389 no way it's 389
no area code wait a minute
wait a minute it's 389
yes are you sure you're not just
fucking blackout drunk
no I think Kyle's right.
Yeah, it's 3.
Last episode was 348.
Yeah, we ripped a bunch this weekend.
Is it 349?
Oh, Mike.
No area code for 349.
There just isn't one.
Straight up.
So we revert.
We revert to
and last
week we didn't even mention what the area
code was. It was 213
Don't make me
Oh no.
I feel amazing
while I do this.
Despite me airing, I feel amazing doing it.
2, 3, 1.
All right.
We missed 2, 3.
Yeah.
We reverted back to 2, 1, 3 last week.
We didn't even touch L.A.
Their mayor, who is the second biggest city in the U.S.
Who is their mayor?
Anyone?
No idea. L.A.? Who's the mayor of Los Angeles? Gavin Newsom. It's the second biggest city in the US. Who is their mayor? Anyone? No idea.
LA?
Who's the mayor of Los Angeles?
Gavin Newsom.
It's Karen Bass.
No one knows that.
You guys don't know that?
Karen Bass.
Karen Bass.
I'm so dumb.
She passed the heat check.
She has a fat ass.
Oh!
Yes.
Yes.
Yeah.
What was her name again?
Sorry.
Yeah, she has an ice spice head.
Is she one of those? She do look has an ice spice head is she one of those
head on ice space but ass on uh glacier habanero because it's bigger than hers
um she passed the heat check karen bass k bass without kb is just a lonely ass. So now we're on to 2
1
5 or 4
What was that? I just forgot
what I said. I'm feeling so good.
2 1 4
which is Dallas
Dallas
Fort Worth, Frisco
Duncanville
whatever else.
So I was going to say, should I do the mayor of Dallas?
No.
Should I do a mayor of one of the big suburbs of Dallas?
No. What's
the biggest in Dallas?
Because God knows the professional sports teams
haven't done shit in the last
decade. Unless you can
call me out on that.
The Mavs? The Mavs? In the last 10 years? When did me out on that the Mavs the Mavs in the last 10 years
when do they beat the Heat they're the closest
they may have in the last 10 years
the Rangers
no no
the Stars the Stars they made
the finals got embarrassed
just like TCU is their local
college team embarrassed in the finals
that's worse than whatever else there is.
Dallas has been in a slump in the last decade.
But what's the biggest thing in the area?
It's high school football.
Who's the best high school football team in the Dallas area?
It's Parrish Episcopal, the team that won the 6A state title.
They're one of the best in the nation.
So who are we going to heat check?
We're going to heat check the coach.
Ah, yeah, that's good.
The coach of the team, Coach Daniel Novikov.
N-O-V-A-K-O-V.
Coach N-O-V-A-K-O-V.
At, it was at the beginning.
Is he next up? V at at is at the beginning. See next.
Is he next up?
Well, he has won.
He's won four state titles in Texas,
winning four high school state titles in Texas and football.
Makes you king.
Whether you like millions of dollars,
he's probably paid
not millions no is he a millionaire
no probably not
6A is huge
120 grand that's a lot of money
he probably makes more than that
he probably makes like 300k
from high school football
so I said I gotta heat check him I went to his
Instagram 1050 followers
it's whatever it's coach novikov at coach novikov
n-o-v-a-k-o-v yeah and the first thing i saw was his bio 4x for pete back to back to back to back and four gold trophy emojis than four championship ring emojis
then state champion dude excessive excessive celebration you've said the same thing five times
four x four excessive celebration 60 yards back
his instagram predictable it's a lot of tweets saying how good he is 60 yards back. His Instagram, predictable.
It's a lot of tweets saying how good he is.
His rings.
So I have to check his fit.
February 26th.
Those rings are huge.
No, no.
This guy, I'm not...
No, he's an incredible coach.
This team is one of the best in the world.
So we're going to go to...
Go up, go up, go up, go up.
We got to check his fit.
There.
All right.
What do we got?
What do we got?
He looks like Bubba Watson.
Let's see if he can pay tribute.
Can he pay tribute to his wife
without viewing her as an extension
of his high school football coaching career?
What does the caption say?
12 years with the lovely Mrs. coach novakov mrs coach
he had to refer to her as mrs coach because that's all she hit that's all she is damn
is mrs coach is mrs coach what is her at name uh liz the fashion mama yeah so he so by that property he's mr fashion mama that's right and
would he like to hear that probably not so yeah followers she has more followers than him yeah she
she has 13k so that but by law of yeah of instagram he's no no no he's mr fashion mama he's mr fashion
mama so we're gonna heat check. Fashion Mama's clothing choices.
I don't care how well he coaches 16 year olds who came from the best areas in the country to a Catholic school.
We're going to heat check his fit there.
What do you guys see up north?
Cues it.
The blue.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We're going to start with the dome, actually.
The hair.
I was hoping you wouldn't.
Damn. What do you see?
What do you guys see? A lineup.
You think that's a lineup?
It's askew. I think
he ordered that from Great Clips
to go, like it was Chipotle.
He ordered a bowl to go,
and that was that. He had to pay with the quarters
in his glove box i'm not gonna diss the hair anymore the facial hair he needs it he doesn't
have it the sweater it's a j crew it's a decent sweater it's a j crew factory men's navy blue
quarter zip it's 34.50 from the preston ridge outlet mall in frisco which
i'm presuming is where he bought it 34 bucks on the torso this dude swore he was yannis
when he walked out the dressing room relax thanasis twins got the sweater pouring out the sides like loose ricotta, but tucked in the front like he's flexing a Gucci logo.
Lasagna waistline.
His G's move in silence.
Collar is confused.
If you go up north, doesn't know if it's up or down to the side.
What collar is confused like it's talking to a Mumbai intern?
Fuck a blunt rotation.
That's a nightmare J.
Crew.
Down to the pants. Those are
Lee. Total freedom. Relaxed fit.
Tapered pants. 24.99.
Quad swimming like a handicapped
pool. Zero calves. No Kevin
Love.
Ankles begging for wrenches.
Dressing for the height in his huddle
bio. Shoes.
Look at those shoes. Those are the Van Hoosen Oxford hand bio shoes look at those shoes those are the van hoose and
oxford hand-me-downs why are the ends burnt he's stomping on barbecue brisket color wave pours
look at the ends they're fucking black and brown he had to camp out for those shoes literally he
had to roast them in an open fire uh it doesn't pass um congrats on the
four state titles though you'll probably get the fifth next year congrats uh what else does he have
to post i think some tweets what is that tweet the next tweet uh not that one though one above
yeah what does that say oh congratulations coach novik. The only coach in Padilla poll era to win four.
Congrats.
Yeah, I'm glad you tweeted that to let us know or Instagram that to let us know.
Yeah, you are the best.
One of the best coaches in the US.
Coach of the year.
Mm hmm.
Mm hmm.
That doesn't pass the heat check, but why would that ever matter to him?
He's going gonna get the fifth
title for one of the best high school programs in the nation shout out to parish episcopal
this team is packed with studs they won at the at&t dome whatever it is yeah yeah that he's legit
so congrats to him can you be mr fashion Mama if you don't pass a heat check?
I'm sure he doesn't give a fuck that he didn't pass the
heat check. He went 13-1
this year. Yeah, he's fine.
Yeah, he's alright.
Yeah, not bad. Congrats to him.
Mook.
Good shirt.
Oh, great shirt. Yeah. It's off the store the store oh we can't even buy that no it is
yeah it's such a good shirt it's gone no because we're that we're only allowed to have one of our
that segment shirt at a time well two um and so we have the kB wrestling one coming out. The problem is the photo on the KB wrestling shirt is from your Kent State sophomore year headshot, maybe junior.
And it is this big.
It is like 12 by 12 pixels.
So the shirt is going to be very, very pixelated.
Makes it better, honestly.
Might make it better. We talked about that last week also last week we talked about mook's kick mook we did we destroyed you we
destroyed you and it felt so good that you weren't here to be able to do that um you did have to cut
and edit the clip so you probably watched it a lot how how i'm sure you've gone back to kickboxing class
with a vengeance i have officially retired from kickboxing i'm done yeah i'm done i'm done yeah
i uh canceled my membership and i'm paying a late fee i'm out i'm out of the ring did you quit or
did they see the video and kick you out?
No comment.
Dude, we were just saying you look good.
You look skinnier.
You look confident.
Skinnier.
Stronger.
You've lost weight for sure.
For sure, yeah.
But I'm willing to gain weight to not have that happen again for sure.
You weren't even asked to kick.
You walked in and somebody goes, oh, he kickboxes. So it's your fault for being so vocal about kickboxing. I was pretty asked to kick. You walked in and somebody goes, oh, he kickboxes.
So it's your fault for being so vocal about kickboxing.
I was pretty pumped to kick.
And there will be no more kicking.
Was that in your arsenal?
Was that kick too high?
That kick is in my bag.
I still have a bag.
You know what I mean?
I can't unlearn the weapon that I became.
So what happened? I lost my footing, you know what i mean i'm not gonna i can't unlearn the weapon that i've became but so what happened i've just i lost my footing you know i can't touch my own kneecaps and i i kicked the
bottle off the head did you so i you really let it get to you so i think i was one of the first
people in the office and i kicked it clean off and in my head i was like oh like i'm probably
one of the only people that that did it and then i watched the compilation and everyone kicked it clean off. And in my head, I was like, oh, like, I'm probably one of the only people that did it.
And then I watched the compilation
and everyone kicked the bottle off without falling.
And then I canceled my membership 10 minutes later.
Because of that?
Yeah.
But how was it going?
Like, how was your last session?
It's good.
You know, nothing crazy.
But it was mostly, who is the clientele?
You and probably like girls and guys in their late 20s.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bunch of tech bros.
You weren't like, how were they?
Did they look?
Did you feel like you were?
There was one class where I was kicking next to this old man and he would have destroyed me.
He was putting up like clean kicks and making noises and all this shit.
And I just.
Yeah, it was time for me to get a belt system
no no belt system there it's more of a cardio kickboxing class but they do teach you form and
so is it not for self-defense at all it is it is they teach you like you know basic stuff but it's
also like here do push-ups do squats all that so you you have been losing weight you look better
in the face. Thank you.
Did they teach you to walk up to the opponent like you're leaving the nail salon?
Yeah.
No.
What happened with that?
I was getting in my groove.
I was getting in my bag.
It was groovy for sure.
I was getting in my bag.
Did you actually quit because of that video
i am no longer a member of because we clowned you to death and we found you well put it this way i
no low blows i came back on my 15 hours of travel to cut clips and um no funny shit that's part of
the protocol is never yeah never let the judgment of others affect the protocol
actually kyle is your decision i have something to ask you from that segment i said he looked
like a gay cat burglar and i think you thought cat burglars someone told me that someone told
me that and i said yeah it looks like he just robbed the orange tabby what is it burglars don't
steal cats yeah that's 100 my fault what is that they just are regular burglars don't steal cats. Yeah, that's 100% my fault. What is that? They just are regular burglars.
They sneak around.
Why is the cat?
They're sneaky.
They're tiptoeing, I guess.
I don't know why they're called cat burglars.
I don't know.
I love my kitty Piper so much that I imagine there's a large group of people trying to steal her.
You think Piper would be stolen?
I think she would.
I thought she's been too rambunctious.
Look at that cut on your forearm.
Yeah, I'm always cut up.
She's a blast, dude. This the the best idea i've made um you have a gash on your arm she's so
fun she fills me with so much joy does she use the giant fucking litter box yet she no we haven't
even gotten to that because i love her like i love the way she perches in the like the little little box i love even when the shit comes out it's so good this is the this has been nothing
but pleasure for me owning a kitten for the first i have been so happy so happy even now like yeah
i broke the sobriety but i feel so good about it And I know even when I'm at my lowest, whether it's tonight at midnight or tomorrow at 7 a.m., I'm going to just continue to keep it going.
I've figured out life.
It's so worth living.
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Maresh, you son of a bitch. You've moved out of Fideye to go
gentrify. I'm an un-gentrified.
You are gentrifying
yourself. Yeah, you are.
Pull that thing close. You can rotate
it. You can get your hands on it. I'm an
un-gentrified Williamsburg.
You are a gentrified.
Where are you?
I'm un-gentrified. I'm with the Haseeds, you? Wait till you come to where I am. I'm un-gentrified.
I'm with the Hasids, cuz.
No, you're not.
I am.
What does that mean?
Hasidics?
Yeah.
You're with the Hasids?
Bro, you got like Justin Bieber's in your building.
No, neighbor building.
He lives, Justin Bieber has an apartment across the street.
Yeah.
You belong in Fitzroy.
I'm not going to say anything about you, but I think think you're fine i think you're not gentrifying
at all but what is the vibe in your new i live in uh puerto rican williamsburg is that really
what it is yeah is it spanish so there's a park right around the corner from me and every tuesday
and thursday all the puerto rican guys just play softball so competitively they're they're big into the
yeah softball and they've got this giant fucking bus that comes up it's called the juice truck
this guy sells everything chicken and waffles watermelon juice like smoothies weed whatever
you want he's just blaring have you ever bought from the juice truck not yet i'm too scared i
would be i got to come up with my most easy fit to that.
Everyone's so easy over there.
Even when they're playing softball?
No, because there's a giant crowd that gathers to watch.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, and everyone's just drinking.
It's awesome.
Has anyone ever came up to you and approached you with something that was like stereotypically not right?
Not yet. What does that mean? Give an example not right. Not yet.
Give an example of what that would be.
Someone approached you thinking like, oh, this dude
is from X
heritage. I'm going to say
why.
Not yet.
New York is such a melting pot.
So we were at the Bronx Zoo.
Right outside
of the Bronx Zoo is a neighborhood i've
never seen little yemen little we gotta get up to little yemen yeah i gotta we gotta bull in
little yeah but do you do yemenis like polish polux um as dumb as we are even though we're not
where did that come from k Kyle is so proud to be Polish
now and the only like
diss that any any other
Slav any other even like Western
Euro has on us is that we're
dumb
Slavs call you dumb other Slavs
call Polacks dumb yeah I'm a
Slav bitch let's go wait
first of all you're
not when did you what what percentage polish are you
um enough yeah it doesn't matter as long as he's a percent enough are you even a percent
yes yes we got that's like that's my big identifier i fuck with that you're kind of
dark complected i don't know what a yemeni is i feel like yemeni they beef with
omani's yeah they do who are more rich in oil like lux than them so omani's probably think lower of
yemeni yes okay that is very true so is yemen is yemen like the poland of whatever continent that's in?
I don't know.
I don't know what the Yemeni stereotypes are.
What are they like?
Do you face stereotypical racism ever?
Not since like 01.
That's a weird year to pick.
Yeah, well.
You haven't since you moved to New York?
No, no, no.
It's like kind of chill now, but like 01 through like 2011 you did like growing up yeah yeah after the terrorist attacks they just grouped you in
with the middle eastern we kind of moved on we didn't complain what was the what was the most
memorable racist moment you've experienced dude someone came up, somebody I thought was my friend, came over, changed my Xbox gamer tag to suicide bomber.
I mean, that's that's so racist.
So, yeah, you have experience.
I didn't realize it at first because it was like XX5U1.
Oh, they're like Xbox language.
Since it got changed and I try to change it like the next day.
Wouldn't let you.
I call and I have to say it out loud to like the microsoft person oh wait can you google what dj khaled's original rap name was yeah because right before 9-11 he was in a group called the
terror squad oh that was like fat joe yeah but he dj khaled's original name was uh something he
had changed it because of his career Khaled used many monikers
including Arab attack Arab
attack was his name
and he was in the terror squad he was in my
clan
that's our thing
we used to run it up on modern warfare
oh my god damn yeah that's like i mean objectively i think
that's actually pretty cool yeah i mean it was gamer tag that's a good gamer tag yeah
khaled also went by terror squadian oh because he was in the terror squad squadian dj he's done
nothing but everything wrong and is the most famous person in the world.
I cannot get enough of his videos.
He cannot be more famous for what he puts out.
He's amazing.
He is that rare gift where if you press record, he's going to give you something.
Him with the golf right now?
The golf cart?
You guys got to get him next on the golf thing.
What is he up to dude he's he actually looks pretty decent at golf he just loves golfing
and the the promo clips he cuts a golfing are so funny every time like there's one where he
got his cart stuck and he saw the life is roblox he's not saying that comedically no he's just living his life didn't he get lost at
sea on a jet ski yeah that was a great era much money you can do stupid shit yeah matter yeah
yeah like his come up is insane the new thing is people think he's autistic that's like the new
thing is that people are postulating if he's he needs to get on the protocol that's like the
quickest trigger nowadays on TikTok
because people are so quick to be like,
oh, this is autism. People love to give you the
puzzle piece. Everyone's just saying they have it themselves.
Yes, exactly. You're just interested
in something. Yeah, exactly.
Oh my god, I'm autistic. Yeah, if you have a
hobby. Yeah, or you have social anxiety.
It's not uncommon.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, it's not. I've been really obsessed with um siblings of
famous people lately and uh zuckerberg's sister did i couldn't even he has a sister just said
boo you lying to me just be honest she put out a song about crypto to the tune of we're not going
to take it by twisted sister oh fuck and it's like to convince everybody to hold on to their crypto She put out a song about crypto to the tune of We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sister.
Oh, fuck yeah.
And it's like to convince everybody to hold on to their crypto.
And I can't get enough of that.
Give us a little.
Yeah, what's the melody?
It's like, you're not gonna take it about her own crypto.
Can you pull it up?
Yeah, do you want me to play it?
Yeah, it's awesome.
And it's like the most well-produced video.
And it's like Zuckerberg might be one of the most powerful people in the world.
And his sister's doing this. No one knows
his sister, but if she
said anything to you,
you would have to give her
all of yourself. What?
Mark Zuckerberg's
sister?
You would have to give her all of yourself?
I think you would have to.
What does that mean? No, you'd have to pay attention.
I have a girlfriend, I'm faithful
if Mark Zuckerberg had a sister
who said anything
you would have to just oblige
no I'm with you
I'm actually very much with you
that's the rest of your life
you humor everything
that's her music video that she put out
she's trying to be like a crypto pop star
it's horrible that's zuckerberg's sister dude we're all gonna make it that's what it is
when was this released what i think it was during the crypto boom this had to be 10 years ago this
looks recently one year ago one year ago it was the crypto boom the central park what is her channel
i don't think that's even hers i think that like just got out yeah it's not from her channel
she wasn't like intense she was it's yeah you want me to keep going or no no no no oh my god
incredible stuff you'd have to give her all of yourself what other siblings have you gotten into
i've gotten into parents as well so the the parents of uh the guitar player for avenge
sevenfold is trying to have his own music career the parent the dad of sinister gates from uh from
avenge sevenfold is trying to be who is already like i feel like that's an old crew to begin with
yes at this point yeah yes so the dad
is trying what he's trying to be like a country singer but like a a right wing uh right wing
themes that'll play yeah it will he's gonna be big that'll play he's gonna be big that's what
i'm into that i'm into honduras right now yeah that's been fascinating. People. I've been talking about Honduras.
So trying to adventure to reclaim lost cities.
And it's the best.
It's so sick.
It's one of the most dangerous places in the highest murder per capita.
Is that right near the Panama Canal?
No, it's further down.
Well, it's in the Central America.
Yeah.
OK, so it's south of that.
Yeah.
Where MS-13 comes from?
Maybe.
I don't know. Those guys get down. don't know much about honduras at all i just know it's high on the
myrtle murder capital and they have jaguars which are scary as fuck those will hunt you for days
one of the hot the strongest bites i learned that on a tiktok the other day you didn't expect that
from them jaguars yeah they're huge yeah but like compared to like a great white shark you don't expect them
to be in the in the top five no no no no interesting stuff that's been my tiktok
recently it's just muslim dudes playing with like cats like big cats oh you're there i'm there too
yeah it's i was there a couple months ago what's next next? I can't ruin... Yeah, what does come next? Yeah, what's next? I can't ruin the story
of the algorithm.
Okay, I'll let it run.
Muslim dudes are the least
afraid of big cats.
They don't give a fuck.
It's unbelievable.
They don't give a fuck.
And I've been on Muslims
eating, like,
very unhealthy fast foods
in their car,
like, in gluttony.
And they're so good at it.
Dude in LA?
There's a...
I forget his name.
There's a Saudi dude
who eats fast food in his car first
off saudi fast food shits on american fast food really eats it in mass and it's the coolest thing
ever and he's skinny really yeah i feel like i was i was watching one that one guy in la who does it
and uh kevin yeah how kev eats he's good yeah i was trying to wonder how he's not like 400 pounds
but i think that's all he eats for the day where he
doesn't finish. He even
mentioned it. He said he just calorie
deficit, but he's good.
I like him because he doesn't bullshit
reviews unless it's like
a foreign like El Salvadorian food
that you'll fuck it up. But he's
one of my favorite reviewers. Keith
Lee's the goat. The dude in
Vegas. What about Dam Drops?
Dam Drops?
You remember Dam Drops?
Dam Drops.
That was the big food reviewer, right?
Wasn't him Dam Drops?
Dam Drops.
I don't remember that.
He's a fat black man in his car.
Oh.
He did like the...
He...
He was the original like...
He did like five... Fast food He was the original like... He did like five...
Eat food and fast food car.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He did all that.
That was in a time before...
What are you doing right now?
I don't know.
I feel amazed.
Call the episode.
Yeah, we're done.
We're done.
We're done.