A New Untold Story - Saltburn Review - A New Untold Story: BONUS EPISODE

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

we dress for dinner hereYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. Uh, yeah, we're good to go with a clap whenever. You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, like, no, that's A New Untold Story. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby! That's A New Untold Story!

A New Untold Story! A new untold story how do we number bonus episodes it's just a tuesday we felt like talking um last episode was dog shit i was sick left early um now kyle's sick oh yeah my bad dude no i want to be here i'm on zero hours of sleep and a half a bottle of vodka. Jesus. It helps. Been down. People who say don't self-medicate haven't tried not eating and blacking out. Of course it helps. Yeah, it's the best.

I'm going to go home and do it again. The other half. Why not? Why not? What's going on? Yeah, same boat. I had some fever dreams yeah those are fun i think that's what it's called yeah that's when the fever breaks though right

go like i was like kept having to tie my american football cleats to play in a game and i just could not tie the shoes then i'd wake up then i'd half dream me tying my football cleats but failing um do you want to get into that felt like it's an athlete thing yeah you ever had that dream never had about the kickoff was about to start um you know i felt like my subconscious was mine's laundry mine's every time i pick up an oil pastel it crumbles in my hand it's the same thing i'll try to make a charcoal rubbing and it just doesn't take fuck oh i feel you yeah mine's the football thing sure yeah the american football thing yeah what type of cleats are they i don't it was like layered and muck and grime you know what a fever

dream is you're not quite there you're not yeah it's just a little bit like four spazzes playing playing like you want to air hockey with my hippothalamus. You walked in here and said a sentence that kind of rocked me to my core. Me too. We were even just repeating it out loud. So I wake up from this fever dream spell with a text from my mother. Oh, heavens. It's like that like that which uh isn't possible in a group text with my sister wait so you're you're you got a text from your mom yeah to me and my sister

and there's only one person to blame for this so i watched the video first it was a video it was a long video and it's from my mom's point of view. She's the one filming and talking. It's like when we moved out of our old house and she was giving her like a rundown of each room. It was Doug. Yeah, of course it was. Not a troll. He found a video on her phone that he wanted to share.

And I didn't get to the text in time where he explained. So you just you woke up from being super disoriented in a dream to a text from your mother what did your sister say my sister was shaking to her core she's at school teaching yeah and she was like oh you gotta warn us you gotta warn us before you do this dad or just don't do it yeah that's probably he couldn't get the video from her phone to his it It was a whole big thing. Did you respond to, did you text your dad or did you respond to your mom? My sister took it.

She was, yeah, I'm still talking to my mom, I guess. The group chat is very active. There's one part of the video I want to address. Maybe you guys can help me. Okay. When she's going through each of the rooms of my old house, she goes to my old childhood bedroom, pans up to my baseball bat ceiling, ceiling fan, and says,

oh man, after hearing Kyle on Barstool, I don't even want to think about the things that he did or what happened with this ceiling fan. Did I ever talk about? A baseball? Did I ever sexualize my youth baseball ceiling fan? what did i ever talk about a baseball did i ever sexualize my youth baseball ceiling fan was i like do you have the clip i don't know if you want to play it you don't have

to we can yeah any more texts from her i never talked about like coming on and i don't pitching to the bats with my semen i never said anything like like that. Or using it as like a dildo. Yeah, I never did that. Did you try to come on your fan? I never did. First off, never did. I was terrified of my own semen as a boy. Yeah, laying in your bed.

I never talked about that. Maybe we did. Who knows? Three years ago. Let's see. Look. Is it your room wait wait i gotta fast forward after what kyle did on barst can we search kb ceiling fan kb no swag ceiling fan and if anybody's listening has any clue oh wait okay after listening to my barstool i don't like to think about that ceiling fan what does that mean i don't know maybe i what did you blog something about i mean if yeah coming on the ceiling yeah maybe maybe one liter wasn't enough my full statement okay this is about the coke in vegas

okay yeah did you blog about maybe i did maybe i did damn this mystery is maybe she found something remnants maybe pussy squirt on there when i was from when i was 13 you squirted all over my fucking baseball fan yeah well yeah that must have been what it was when you were 13 you made a pussy squirt to the ceiling fan yeah that had to be it um all of us watched salt burn yeah rudy more than once more than that of course you watched it more than once i limped through it yeah the second time i watched it was for it it was a it was a what a gay tactical it is the it is the gayest film it's the gayest film ever it's the gayest one ever here's my impression of the film okay there's three guys who were never established as gay but are just act the gayest like oliver oliver oh farley oh oh felix oliver so fucking hot

oliver felix farley oh that was i owe you everything mate that was the movie and then like fan cam montages of a lordy and the tub surely and then like they sexualize like this part of his neck when he's jerking off in the bathtub which is disgusting but like he's his some of his line deliveries are the hardest i've ever laughed incredible i don't know is he a dog shit actor i think people would i think people do it's just women he's so hot he's just so yeah he might be too hot to act is he yeah from i don't know acting his first line in the movie is let's start from the beginning first dialogue he's broken down he's got a flat bike tire and he's just sitting oh fuck and that's like what he's

doing it's just like if you guys have ever watched an anime they have anime grunts yeah he's like it's um and of course i'm gonna be i'm already 10 minutes late for my tutorial fuck a real long fuck i'm already in for skiving oh it's it's the gayest fucking movie because it's just gay sex modes yeah it's just gsm's every scene but this one's for his black for his flat tire and just oh i'm gonna be late for my fucking tutorial is he like punching the ground yeah um yeah i've got a flat tire oh yeah it's bad luck i've just been trying to fix it of course it's when i'm only 10 minutes late for my tutorial. Oh, they beeped it?

There was this long, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm already in it for skiving last. Look at his face when he says this. When he says fuck? This is coming from a place of tremendous jealousy from us yeah okay um look at yes that's the entire movie but my favorite is uh when he puts a coat in his like they dress for dinner

at salt burn we dress for dinner here yeah that and he tries so sexy. Yeah, thank you, Mook. I hope you didn't pack anything scandalous. Gay. This is so gay. Just my old boxes. Doesn't he kiss him on the cheek for some reason? He kisses him a lot. Duncan will be thrilled. Duncan will be thrilled.

Oh, uh, I hope you don't mind. I had them hang up an old school dinner jacket. We dress for dinner here, so I didn't want you don't mind. I had them hang up an old school dinner jacket. This is the... We dress for dinner here, so I didn't want you to be caught. Here. Dress for dinner? Yeah, it's like... It's like black tie.

It's the MGK bracelet. It's the MGK bracelet line in a movie. It's like black tie. Let me take my fucking bracelet off. It's like black tie. Yeah. It's like black tie yeah it's like black tie you would think the sun is like directly in his eyes in this scene

oh my yes he never like he's like looking away constantly this okay then after he um this is before this scene after he has sex with the girl he it's just this clip of him laying on the floor naked hand over head he's rubbing his nipple and he just says so fucking hot wait i don't know what

i don't remember that yeah they're smoking they're chain smoking cigarettes oh he's in a room oh because the actual temperature is hot yeah no that he's talking about the sex he just had oh really so fucking oh i'm thinking of a different scene, he's talking about the sex he just had. Oh, really? So fucking hot. Oh, I'm thinking of a different scene where he's also naked. And they clean up the garbage in his room. And he cleans up the garbage and he's like, they're like angsty hot. Like literally like they're scratching. Oh, that might have been it.

You thought he was talking, he's rubbing his nipple? At the end of the day, it's the same scene over and over again. It's a lot of him shirtless smoking a cig being like Eeny meeny miny moe catch a tiger by his toe if he squeals Let him go You're out Boy Scout, then he kisses him on the That was him going to have sex with the girl yeah yeah he's choosing what girl to fuck by doing the gayest shit ever it actually kind of like rules like

yeah he's getting all of it out of his system before he just lays it down yeah oh oh this is just a fan cam but that's the the actual montages in the film are fan cam yes yes it's what like a horny 12 year old girl would make for him no i said it there's a scene in the movie where or like there's a sequence in the movie where it's just the exact same thing as a title of the creator music video where they're just not talking and they're just standing in front of a castle this is being hot yeah just not being hot yeah and i get like a fisheye lens and they're just like going around and like they're it's like a rap video with no rap. They're just like hot British dudes.

I thought Barry Kogan. Incredible. Was I thought he was established as the unfuckable character quickly became the very fuckable character. Yes. What is that? Is he fuckable? I've never seen a face like it.

So did you see him arriving to the Golden Globes? He looks like Megan Rapinoe. But he's a heartthrob. He's a heartthrob. And I love the name. His name was, he's a poor British guy, and they named him Oliver Quick. Instead of Oliver Twist.

Oh, look at his face. He looks like a hot guy. He looks like a hot snake. I'm not saying he's ugly. I just don't know what to qualify that as. I've never seen anybody that looks like a hot guy. He looks like a hot snake. I'm not saying he's ugly. I just don't know. I don't know what to qualify that as. I've never seen anybody that looks like him. Yeah. Again, this is all coming from a place of jealousy.

No, I love nothing against the guys. It's more of the writing, I guess. Is he Asian? No, he's Irish. I see what you mean. A Lordy jacking off in the hot tub or the tub. To the tub. the tub loud as fuck and he could be heard down the hall yeah just moaning loud as fuck knowing that you share it in the bathtub in the coolest hottest position yeah we were talking about that on the yak one

day the coolest way to jerk off he was like kind of just had like one foot in the water and he was like up on the lip of the bathtub yeah and then he was moaning off really loud as fuck barry goes in and then eats the semen laced pussy drain like a push like a like he eats the semen laced drain like a push yes very much so good movie good broody watched it twice for the record. Yeah, I did watch it twice. The vampire scene. Oh my God. Yeah. I want to keep this about. It was out of Lordy though.

Yeah. Yeah, because Barry's great. He's good in this movie. Good actor. He's a good actor. But I mean, Barry also said he tried to eat a girl's pussy who was on her period. And he said he was a vampire. He said, don't't worry I'm a vampire

oh my god dead rally dead rally daddy's old teddy Henry the 8th spunk dead rally dead rally daddy's old telly dead rally oh the tour of the house. Are we allowed to just share this?

Yeah. Yeah, it's on YouTube. Red staircase. I accidentally fingered my cousin here. Henry Sevens cabinet. Goes to granny. Hi, granny. Hi, granny hi granny hi granny

garden some fucking hideous Rubens broken piano blue room it's blue and king's bedroom

actually the bed still has some of Henry VIII's spunk on it this is the long gallery dead rally dead rallies daddy's old teddy

daddy's old teddy the uh that he says he gets like startled by daddy's old teddy first of all daddy's old teddy say it's like your sisters or yours don't call your dad daddy daddy's old teddy can we's like your sisters are yours. I'll still call your dad Daddy.

Ah, Daddy's old Teddy. Can we get the ah one more time? That was like a... That was like an ad lib. Daddy's old Teddy. Oh, wait. Shakespeare's Song Gallery. Dead Rally. Dead Rally.

Daddy's old Teddy. Oh, okay. It wasn't as bad as I thought, but I... Shakespeare's folio. Oh, what a flick, man. Hi, Granny. Hi, Granny. Edward kind of developed a thing for Venetia,

and it got so awkward. Yeah, it kind of ruined our fucking friendship. He said that was one of my fakes. Yeah, he said it was so cringe. Yeah, it's just bad form, mate. Oh, what, me fingering your sister? That was bad form? It's so cringe.

That was mad cringe, fam. I want to beat him so bad. Oh, so bad. So bad. Yeah, give me like a demo run. One day as Velourity, what are you doing? so bad so bad it's like a yeah give me like a demo run one one one day offer a tour one day of velourity what are you doing dude i don't know i think that would be the most fulfilling rush just walk around your life just walking around like feeling that that good yeah yourself

is there i want to be him for a day yeah six five is a giant in the acting world that's like seven right because so many other actors are tiny no i mean barry next to him looks like a keychain yeah yeah he does and literally what i was seeing like tiktoks of like their press tour and he he walks around with Barry like he's a keychain. Yeah, he keeps him on a carabiner. Yeah. Just Barry's jangling. Look at that first.

Barry's like 32. Wait, really? Lordy's 25. God. What are cinephiles or movie buffs? Is this getting reviewed well? I think it is. It's getting reviewed pretty well. I'm thinking more of a Lordy's performance.

Dead Rally. People liked it. I thought it was a fun movie. Yeah, it wasn't like this sucks to watch. Yeah, I had fun watching it. Yeah. A movie about how hot Jacob Elordi is. Oh, no.

Yeah. His mere existence is enough to make someone legally insane. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, hell no. What's he doing with the black water? Bathwater.

We didn't even talk about the grave. Oh, yeah. Barry fucks a grave dicks it down I was more than ready for that mentally though yeah I was prepped he rips off his shirt

yeah the talented Mr. Ripley yeah recommend the flick yeah everyone go watch it be jealous The talented Mr. Ripley is taking the lead. Yeah. Recommend the flick. I recommend it. Yeah, everyone go watch it. Go watch it. It's a fun watch.

Be jealous. Yeah. We'll never be that. No. No one will. No. Well. Yeah.

No. Sucks. Yeah. Your mom texts you anymore? That's. No, we're good. Yeah. Yeah.

Hopefully it just doesn't happen again. Have we talked about A.J. Hawk yet? No. We love watching Pat McAfee clips just to watch the looming A.J. Hawk. It's like we may have talked about one of the most ubiquitous like sure thing in all of media is you'll you'll pant you'll look

at a television somewhere and you'll see pat mcafee talking and not like non-stop uh rudy go grab three high noons or three pirate waters. And let's, or four. And let's just click randomly in a Pat McAfee show video. And if AJ Hawk is talking, you finish the drink. Okay, deal. Deal, yeah? What is he? He's looming.

He's looming. I've never seen him open his mouth. What's it called when people believe that God created man, but then just his hands off? I don't know. Like a remote viewing? He's like a non... He's like a sentry. He's like a guard.

A sentry, yeah. He's like an Easter Island head. I love watching him. Can we just go to a Pat McAfee show? I'm a Pat McAfee guy. Yeah, I don't know what he's done for uh you know the dub v boys and absolutely he's obviously incredible at his job i just love looking at a stoic ass and his head is he's so close to the right on the camera that has to be

the thinnest room ever because like they why haven't they told him to scoot back a little? Yeah. All right, boys. Rules are simple. We have our delicious twisted teas here. Mook will click randomly in the video. If AJ Hawk has his mouth open. I'm thinking that's ridiculous. That's too much. Utterance.

An utterance? Yeah. Like a sound. Even a sound. A vocalization. Deal. Who's going first? I'll go first. Okay. And for the fans at home, you can also do Deal. Who's going first? I'll go first.

Okay. And for the fans at home, you can also do this. Play along. With me. I thought we were all going. I think we should all go. We're all going to drink when he speaks. Okay.

But only when he speaks. This is the new Thunderstruck. But the opposite. All right, are we ready? Yeah. All right, rolling. We were just talking about Kevin Durant. He's remained, you know, but he's still strong.

He's still able to play. He's still able to do his thing. He's one of one. He's a great. Is he going to win again? Yes, right? Kevin Durant's good enough. Tell me when.

He looks nervous. Oh, when to click out. No, no, no. He's about to, I think. I'm thirsty. Wait, did he exhale, like, loudly? I don't think he's thinking i don't know come on aj aj give me something we're thirsty

oh right i think the whole thing and like it's just from a fan perspective like i'd get it nope oh shit all right fast forward a little little bit. That's a different thing. I'm going to think about him differently. Go somewhere else. There we go. He's back. If I was rich in Phoenix and lived there, I would stay there forever.

Just because how beautiful it is. But I can certainly see how Do you just dance? He did a little shimmy. He did a little shimmy. Oh, he's getting tired. Some lip. Oh, no, AJ.

AJ, wake up. Stay with us, AJ. Give us something. Any sign of life. Obviously has great self-awareness. We're a minute 20 in. I think he can tell quickly whether or not they're going to be able to win. Oh, clearing the throat.

There we go. He's ready. He's ready. I hope he gets back up there. I like whenever KD's gone. Me too. I like whenever he's gone. Oh, come on, AJ.

It's not going to happen. Good smile. Good smile. Great smile. Cute. He looks like a... You're poised. You're ready to speak. No!

Come on. Throw it again. It's like a DQ blizzard. Not even a crack. We got to go again. Yeah, we got... Let's play one more round. Yeah.

All right. Clip two loaded up. I am going to... We got to go again. Yeah, let's play one more round. All right, clip two loaded up. I am going to... I'm already cracked. He's about to speak. Okay, we'll see. All right, clip two. Is this the same episode? Is this from the same episode?

He's wearing the same mock neck. I think so. Okay, he's talking. He's about to talk. He looks like a Hunger Games contestant. Okay. Okay, he's talking. He's about to talk. He looks like a Hunger Games contestant....names going there, and who's going to the NFL now? They thought they were potentially transferring. Okay.

It has been the wild, wild west. Pat's doing a good job. Yeah. Whoa! Wait, wait, what was that? Is that a drink? What the fuck was that? He didn't open his mouth, per se, but he uttered.

Here we go. Happening. Yes! Yes! Here we go. Happening. Yes. Mook, for this episode, can you just clip a stoic, silent AJ Hawk to be next to us in this entire episode? Put him on loop. Yeah, it's very comforting. It is.

All right, let's drink some more. Okay. And there's already been massive moves in a lot of different places. A sentence is a chug. Younger Lele is now the quarterback. Oh, yeah. Hit it. It looked like dubbed. All right. Let's hear that again.

That sounded awesome. He didn't really use his mouth. Smirk. We missed it, I think. That's okay. That's okay. Let's keep going. Jump ahead.

I want some words. He said he was going to go to the NFL, but he's not hired an agent. So will he or will he not? Finn from Toledo ends up at Syracuse. There's people wanting to move everywhere. What will Howard do? Kyle McCord. Pat's cracked out. Except for one drive at an interception.

Pat's crushing right now. Oh, yeah. Will Howard go into Ohio State? Hasn't missed a beat. Here we go. AJ Hawk went to Ohio State. Alumnus. It's loading.

Come on. There we go. I'm not sure. Yeah! Should we let him cook? Yeah, let him cook if he interrupts Pat you have to do a shot if he pulls out a cigar. You have to, if he initiates a thought. There we go. So Ryan Day has had success with both here, you know, and obviously the conversation about Joey Burrow transferring out of there,

going to LSU and having success, teams have had. All right, yeah, this is fun. Yeah, great game. Great game if you want to stay pretty sober just if you want to get a light buzz Rudy elephant in the room

we're both wearing combat boots today oh my god boys we're both 511 tactical no these are Nike poser I'm a poser because I'm wearing nike combat boots yeah dude get some real stolen valor dude these are the j6 specials right here what does that mean

these are like are those actually for war no one pulled up to the capital of nikes no you're right are those for war 511 chance those are for war why not they're 511 tactical i think it's more why do you keep saying that what the fuck does that mean yeah what is that your height it's the company okay no it might be yeah it is wow damn yeah yeah you got the 511 tacticals yeah no these are some flimsy ass frail nikes these aren't meant for war at all yeah Yeah, no, these are... I think those are for hunting or something. I don't know. Hunting Middle Eastern men.

Fuck. I feel like... A gay guy dressed as a Marine because he fetishizes fucking Middle Eastern men. We have to raid this village. Oh, that's a Lordy. Oh, I want a Lordy in a war movie. Oh, my God. Wars. Fucking hell. Rudy and a war movie. Oh my god. War is fucking hell.

Rudy and Felucia. Oh, fuck. Calling a mortar strike. Oh my god. This is fucking hell. Clear that fucking building. I'm trying to think of war terminology again. I got nothing.

We're going to go up the stairs. Is that your war terminology? Go up the steps? They're always going up the stairs Blitzkrieg Can you flank him please? I want a Lordi in a war role So bad

Or I want him to be the next Willy Wonka Congrats on your ticket Oh my god you're so lucky you won. Chocolate River. Everlasting Gobstopper. Oopa Loopa. Oh, I need a Lordi to be Wonka so bad. Oh my god, he would crush it.

Dead Child. Dead Child. Augustus Gloop, Veruca Salt. You gotta burp if you wanna get down from there. He stays in bed with the grandpa stays in bed all fucking day.

These are the squirrels. You've got to try the snozzberries. They taste like snozzberries. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I almost now want to go all the way and i want to just post clips of a lordy with aj hawk next to it yeah i want those two to have a podcast i need a lordy as walka so bad yeah you don't have a goose that lays golden eggs oh my god oh yeah I wouldn't do that. There are so many things

I want him to be as now. Yeah. Oppenheimer. I want him to be the Hulk. I don't think you're gonna like me when I'm angry. I need him as oh I want him in every movie

every single movie would be so fucking amazing with him that exact role oh fuck I've tried to just think of more Willy Wonka already might be number one that's it oh my god

alright boys fun little bonus Willy Wonka Elordi might be number one. That's it. Oh my god. Alright boys, fun little bonus. Fly you fools. Gandalf? Jacob Elordi is Gandalf? Gandalf! He's one of the nine. There's Frodo, there's Samwise. Dwarf.

Oh my god. Yeah, I need him as Harry Potter. I need him as... Too seamless. Everything is perfect. Yeah. All right. New unsolved story.