A New Untold Story - Scream Mask Wife feat. Chris Bader - A New Untold Story: Ep. 379

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

Shoutout to that Scream Mask Wife and also Bader. Follow Chris @ChrisBaderComedy Ads: HelloFresh - Go to https://HelloFresh.com/anusfree and use code anusfree for FREE breakfast for life! One breakfast item per box while subscription is active. Gametime - Download the Gametime app or go to https://gametime.co, enter your email, and redeem code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase (terms apply).You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. We're on it on everything, so we're good to go. Cool, good to go. I'll give it a clap. You'll be just going to reply to what I'm going to say. No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told?

Fuck no, baby. That's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby! That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story. That was a good clap. A new Untold Story episode 359. 379. I was shockingly close for not even knowing the first digit.

20 off. Percentage wise now. 379. We're here with Chris Bader, friend, comedian. You guys know him. Enjoyable Persian comic Chris Bader. Yeah, an EPC. Yeah. That's right. EPC. I'm going to change my name to EPC. It kind of, it's almost

too close to EDP, the pedophile fat man. Oh, yeah. Philly fan. Wait, there was a guy named EDP? E-Dat-Pussy. Yeah. E-Dat-Pussy-4? Mook, you can tell us. Yeah, what was he? pedophile fat man oh yeah philly fan wait there was a guy named edp eat that pussy yeah he was a pussy some four mook you can tell yeah what was he yeah let's check him out edp he's got caught four four five yeah he's got caught three times trying to hook up with a child but it's the youtube guys that catch pedophiles that are just like all right you got to get out of here instead of arresting them he's an eagles fan. Yeah, oh, big time.

That's not his main thing now. He's trying to sleep with children. No. Those YouTubers that try to catch pedophiles aren't really heroes. They just do it for views and then set them loose. Yeah. That's like catching a piranha in a kiddie pool and letting it go.

It's like catching a pedophile in a kiddie pool and letting it go. It's like catching a pedophile in a kiddie pool and letting it go, I guess. They're like, I'm not going to call the cops. I just want to talk. Yeah, they're like, I'm going to role play as a 10-year-old, horny 10-year-old as my job.

But they just set them loose. They're just doing it for views. It's like sport fishing. Yeah, exactly, but... Extreme. just set them loose they're just doing it they're just doing it for views it's like sport fishing yeah exactly but extreme it's letting yeah it's also a lot of work because you have to be like on tiktok on snapchat like any emerging platform to get your job correct i think there's a chance you turn into a pedophile if you act enough like a child online that's what they do they are just they are they are role playing as a pedophile i think there are pedophiles they're just in the closet oh there definitely are yeah yeah closeted ptc

and then they get off by acting like a kid but i guess it's better than the alternative yeah significantly what episode number is this guy 379 it's the largest street legal model of the peter built semi-t truck Oh cool man only thing I have That's all you got yeah I mean it's a rare Number 359 379 379 who is there anybody that's Weighed 379 Nobody's ever weighed 379

That's a big bitch Is that the biggest bitch you can have on the road That is the biggest highway How much does one cost can we do a go fund me and we buy one And put it in the studio? Yeah. I mean, I'm going to be honest. I want one.

Yeah. I want a full size 350 79 Peterbilt. You could fit a lot of kids in the back of that. Definitely could. You definitely. How much are they going for? Like 45 grand? Anywhere from 28 to 50.

We should get one. That's not that bad. Honestly, that's way less than I thought. For an engine that size and what it would take to build it? Yeah. It's so big. Yeah, but then you've got to store it. That's true.

We have a studio. Yeah, we could just put it in here. You can't valet that. We do need something. I want to keep filling this room up to where we're hoarders, which is pretty close. Rudy, I'm glad you liked your Christmas gift. I'm working on it. I like it as an end table.

It is cool. What was your Christmas gift, Rudy? This fish tank right here. And do you have the fish yet Christmas gift. I'm working on it. I like it as an end table. It is cool. What was your Christmas gift? This fish tank right here. And do you have the fish yet or no? No. Hope not. As you can tell, no. It's empty and on its side.

How many days are you going to look at it and just decide? I could see me fucking up the order of operations. And getting the fish first and then realizing. And putting it on your counter before the tank. Yeah, like, oh shit, I need to get water. Yeah. There's no way I would be able to do anything with that tank. No, yes, you could. No, I mean, like, I have a lot of gifts that are unopened like that because i get anxiety

from just trying to this is an intimidating gift very very much so um i try to write a news segment i lost my touch completely you ready for the worst joke ever woke up at seven trying to do it yeah i couldn't do it you go uh As everybody knows, Erica is stepping... See? As everybody knows, our boss Erica is stepping down as CEO. I've seen people saying she's crazy for that. Crazy? They must be confused. Crazy?

She's CEO, not C-E-L-O. Green. See? That is good. Thanks, man. That is good. Thanks, man. With a Grammy this year, Elton John has joined the EGOT Club. By far the best acronym a gay man can receive.

AIDS. Let's see. France has its first openly gay prime minister. Wow, a gay gay frenchman who would have guessed and then i just have that india is like remaking u.s movies but they also have their own superheroes now too and so i i just have indian joker question mark guys that would be funny are you familiar yeah well i i am part of the brown federation but i'm not familiar with what they're trying to do they're remaking hits of like

american so like what so like like indian tony stark yes yes like indian tony stark like i'm gonna save the world so i have just like they need to get into my rocket they need they need to redo the movie it and just call it it and then i also uh punch me in the face if this is bad uh andy dufresne wouldn't have had to change clothes after coming out of that pipe oh my god okay in shawshank redemption um that's and then i just again have indian joker or indian superman would be an absolute menace to women with x-ray vision he would be a villain because it would have to be like an out of shape indian superman like jet black hair slicked back almost he would just be looking at boobs yes the whole time yeah he would be the

biggest villain so i've had these the indian cinema the icu there are also a lot of indians there as doctors but um they are engineers as well what do you think they'd call 7 if it was redone in Indiana? Would they add another number? What's in the box? Slurpees? 7-Eleven would be the sequel. It would be the sequel, dude. Big Mama's House 4.0. It's homework time.

What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, they're redoing classics. 4.0 it's homework time yeah they're redoing classic 4.0 gpa yeah kumar and kumar go to white girls instagram yeah dude they need to remake Harold and Kumar it's just Kumar and Kumar oh my god but so I was doing some research have you guys seen

the trailer for for Indian Forest Gump no come on that's real yes shot for shot yes

they did Indian Forest Gump and I I didn't see it but is this Bollywood or a different it's Bollywood G League, and I didn't see it. But is this Bollywood or a different? It's Bollywood. G League. But they're, like, redoing it.

What would the G League be, like, Pakistan? That's G League India. G League India is Pakistan. But, like, here, just. Do they replace, like, all his achievements? It's all the same. Oh, I'm your con. I'm pissed because in the trailer it doesn't have Bub Bubba, but I like you just like we got hot curry

We got bar. We got chicken curry praying he plays for the Sooners I don't need the subtitles by the way. Oh, yeah It's just shot for shot Forrest Gump, but like over the top Bollywood. Fast forward to the mom getting fucksie. Do they give her AIDS? Does he show

his ass to the president of the United States? Yeah, I don't know. That was the night before the mom States? Yeah, I don't know. Ron Lawler. That was the night before the mom got fucked by the principal. Oh my God.

Oh my God, dude. Go back to the track scene. Oh my gosh. The straight face track. Reminds me of high school wrestling. There's Lieutenant Sanjay. He's an overall.

Oh no, he has his books. That guy could be pregnant. Oh no, he doesn't want a book. He's dressed like a minion. He's running in books. I'm telling you, that Indian boy has way more grit than Forrest ever did. Oh, for sure. That's the next Indian Obama. Rupa.

Oh, Rupa is the one that gives him AIDS. Oh, no. Where's Bubba? He's coming. There he is running. It's Bubba? Oh, he's coming. There he is running. It's not going to be shrimp. It's going to be like vegetarian. It's curry, yeah.

It's just all curry. This is going to be paneer. Fried paneer. There's all kinds of paneer. Boiled paneer. There he is. There's Bubba. And are they fighting terrorists? Yeah, looks like it.

But he still plays ping-pong. See, they were never terrorists, though they are fighting them. Look at this. There's no way that many people in India had shoes. Life is like a Golgappa. No, no, no. Your tummy might feel full, but your heart always craves more. I have to agree.

Life's like a Golgappa. I'm so excited for this. I'm so excited for just Indian movies, Indian remakes of movies. If Beale Street could talk, yeah, there's human shit all over me. What's an Indian street? Pani Puri? No, Golgappa is potato, chickpeas, onions. Yeah, vegetarian.

Not even close to chocolate. They could have just gone with chocolate. Yeah, there wasn't any shrimp in there, though. What was the replacement for shrimp? Curry. You tell me. That's just a powder, guys. Yeah, shit.

You gotta tell us. What's Indian shrimp? You gotta tell us. What's Indian shrimp? So what is, in like the scheme of stereotypes, Iran is like a more uppity India? Well, guys. It's not India.

First of all, I want to thank Kyle for saying it correctly. It's Iran, not Iran. No one ran anywhere. Well, Forrest clearly did in India. He sure did. Yeah, that was the Iran. It's Iran, you're Persian, and you speak Farsi. Dude, have you been reading my bio? Were you reading my Wikipedia?

You don't have a Wikipedia. I don't. I have a Bubba. Yeah. You do? A lot of us have Bubba. Bubba is just a papa. That scene was my Bubba.

What's a Bubba? Bubba is a... I'm confused with a Forrest gump is it a mentally challenged veteran baba is what uh yeah typically middle eastern oh so it'd be baba gump baba it's spelled b-a-b-a or baba gump baba iran oftentimes with women i say who's your baba but baba is yeah baba is what we call our dad. Okay. Gotcha. So Iran is Persian. So not upity.

We just, we're part of the Middle East, but we are, it's only race, and we think that we're superior. Oh. You think you're superior? Yes. We think that we invented algebra. We think that our cologne's better than yours. You're an attractive bunch.

Oh, wow. Certainly are. Let me know if you want to meet in the parking lot after yeah yeah certainly women yeah oh the men too men too a lot of waxing yeah they're they're attractive people for sure but a lot of laser hair yeah a lot of laser hair removal um i haven't done any of that clearly but uh yeah or the women are hairy are they hairy but i think they're they're on top of the laser hair, right? What are the Kardashians? Yeah, my sister no longer has a mustache.

They're a hairy people. She had it when we were younger. They are. Really? Have it adjacent? Well, it was just like Rudy's. Just like Rudy's. Oh, okay.

That's subtle. Seventh grade, exactly like Rudy's. Sister's mustache. It was creeping up a little bit. Kind of cute. And I was younger. And she got rid of it. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, that's good. Permanently. Permanently, yeah. That's good. I haven't seen it come out in a while. About 20 years. Maybe she can let it go. She can let of it. That's good. Permanently. I haven't seen it come out in a while. By 20 years. She can let it go.

Do you have any Iran facts? Iran is the... If you look out where my last name is most popular, it's Iran. Actually, can you look up the... That's Iran. The Iranian national anthem. Mine's the Congo.

Janda is popular in the Congo? It's incorrect. The Congo sounds way more fun than it actually would be. Country-wise? Yeah, with the lion. I'm going to the Congo. Yeah, you're right. And it would be the least fun.

Maybe. It's up there. Maybe the least. So this is the Persian national anthem before the Islamic Republic took it over. Why would a lion need a sword? It's a fighter. Oh, snare drum? I think this is in RuneScape.

Yeah. Wait a minute. Can you play the RuneScape main town theme? Yeah. And to be fair, your nation stole this from RuneScape. Yeah, play the RuneScape theme. More than likely. I've been really good at clapping today.

Kyle, Kyle, Kyle. You hungry? Uh-huh, you are. Luckily, you have help. No, you're not. Not right now. Why? I guess we went different routes here.

I was thinking you'd play the hungry guy. Okay. I would recommend it. Okay, I'm hungry. Or no, I think it would be better if you're full and satisfied and firing on all those cylinders. I am. I'm full and satisfied. Oh, Kyle, my stomach's empty and I can't think right now oh so yes i have something for you or you could just be like i'm full because okay or two oh dude did you hear my stomach grumble i'm full uh by the way yeah

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Yeah, play that. Yeah, sure. Fuck it. Yeah. The Iranian theme song is the they stole it from. You outed the whole Persian civilization. It's ridiculous. Shouldn't you be standing right now?

Dude, yeah. Iranians couldn't play RuneScape because they had to stand every time they were in this town. Oh, my God. Oh, what else you got going on? You and Mook have a Valentine's Day show. I just saw the promo for that. Yeah, it's scary, dude. Why is that scary?

I think it's sad that you're not banking on doing anything on Valentine's Day. No, I'm all set. Yeah. I told you, straight dudes. Yeah, the flyer basically says, you're my baby. What is this? Yeah. They're doing a Valentine's Day show together.

Mook didn't like the flyer, so I didn't want to show you guys. Because I made it, and Mook's a baby, and I'm a woman holding him. Oh, it's a good promo. It's very off-putting. You're not banking on a date for Valentine's Day? No. We're going to get one at the show. That's a bad date night, unless you have a girlfriend.

Okay. That's like a lot. I's a bad date night unless you have a girlfriend. Okay. That's like a lot. I had a rough date night last night. What? What'd you do? She decided. It's like coarse. Rough.

This is someone that you're seeing? Yes, yes. Girlfriend. Partner. They wanted, yes, to make pizzas instead of going out to eat. Because I always get shit on. You don't have any food in the house. You don't know how to cook. Not shit on, but I guess, you know. You don't get shit on eat because i always get shit on you don't have any food in the house you don't know how to cook um not shit on but i guess you know you don't get shit on i

don't get shit on but uh i was like all right let's make pizzas and she was like if you learn how to cook you'll save so much money went to the grocery store spent an hour in there to buy the ingredients to make dough and then had to go get to the deli and get pepperoni sliced and then had to get cheese and marinara sauces and then we had to go back and make it all well first of all yeah thank god we went and got the ingredients instead of buying a pizza because it was only 115 dollars a personal challenge no no it was a fun take the longest amount of time no no this was done for... To take the longest amount of time? No, no. How much did you... This was done for convenience.

You didn't buy pre-sliced pepperoni? This was done for convenience. You bought a hunk of pepperoni? No, I went to the deli and I said, this thin-sliced pepperoni. The crust had to go... But we didn't buy pre-made dough. We had to make...

We got flour, yeast, everything. You didn't go gluten-free? I did. You had to? I have to. Yeah. And so then I had to wait, we got flour, yeast, everything. You didn't go gluten free. I did. Yeah. I have to. Yeah. And so then that had to wait for 20 minutes for dries. All the ingredients were $115.

And then the pizza was bad. And then we ended up ordering food. What type of pizza? Was it a flat bread? Was it a, all pizza is bread. Um, was it a thick crust?

No, no. It was a square with mozzarella and pepperoni. Sounds like a Lunchable. I know. And it was $115. Oh, man. Mine was inedible.

We did two separate pizzas as a competition. And then we ended up ordering food. How was the food? And my apartment is so good. And we got there so fast and way cheaper. And I just threw away the containers when i was done so don't let anybody convince you to like do you that's like a known everybody always says if you do grocery i've never it's always been more money to do groceries and what less food and then you end up wasting so much of

it too now i have three jars of fucking marinara sauce in the fridge. It was a fun night though. You had fun. There was a pizza making playlist I found on Spotify. I was shaking my ass. Making her laugh. What's on that playlist? When the moon hits your... And then it ended up with that on loop.

You know. It was a good experience. Bad meal. Yeah. I mean I guess life. got to start doing shit like that. We got three months of nothing. Yeah. Yeah. There's some dark days ahead.

Yeah, I know. It was, yeah. They didn't warn us correctly. They didn't warn us correctly. I wore like sweats out and then the negative 18 degree wind hit my dickhead. It cut right through. And then like I had to pee. Oh no.

And then the hot pee with the cold dickhead was, it hurts. Hot pee, yeah. Hot pee, cold dickhead. Bad combo. Bad combo. What are you going to do though? What about you? What do you got going on?

Me? I gave up kush. What? Really? You just brought gifts of kush. You brought kush? I'm not. It's not a permanent thing. I'll get back gifts of kush you brought kush i'm not it's not it's not a it's an endeavor it's not a permanent thing i'll get back on the kush i did 71 days

oh that was our lightsaber that powered off automatically sorry okay yeah i figured that yeah i did 71 straight days of kush it goes by fast and the last three nights were in were cold sweat nights oh so you were in it yeah full withdrawals i guess i mean it's just sweating at night i can handle some withdrawals well i actually i got you some balm because i know you you like to exercise and so some of the it's not necessarily all kush it. It's a balm that's more CBD than the kush. The balm. Yeah. I think you rub the balm on yourself.

Okay. To get high. Rub it on the soles of your feet. And whatever's sore. If your heart's sore. Thank you. Yeah. His heart might be sore during Valentine's Day.

You just rub it in the middle. Mook's going to get wifed up. I think Mook is going to have the first kid out of all of us. No. Absolutely. Yeah. Yep. Definitely. This ised up. I think Mook is going to have the first kid out of all of us. No. Absolutely. Yeah. Yep. Definitely.

My time. You're banking on a mistake. Listen, man, I think you would be the first one. I'm putting that out there.

I don't like that. You're putting that out. And it's going to be triplets. What would that do to your life? Derail everything.

And if I had a girl, I know she'd be a little slut. I just already know it. You think she'd cheat on you? Wait, what? Oh, your daughter? Yeah. Oh. I thought he was talking...

I thought the same thing. Like, if I had a wife, she'd cheat on me. That too, probably. That little whore. His wife's already a whore. Mook knows already his wife's gonna cheat on yeah my wife's gonna cheat on me my kids gonna be horny as hell it's gonna be

that's why I'm triplet daughter's cheating wife yeah that's brutal when I was visiting homes with doing my old job there was one triplets one set of triplets on my caseload and one set of quads on my caseload and one set of quads on my case what yeah it happens that's rare

no way do they look the same i mean they're babies so did you look in the crib did i look in the crib well the four they said there's four babies there's four yeah how do you split up you have four cribs right that's like a litter dude yeah it's yeah and um that's just a that's you reset your life it's like you that's a different life after that that's a profession four kids yeah that's a profession ones yeah that's you need help you can't do it that's four clones dude that's fucked is there any way that the vagina can take a lot of abuse. Yeah. I agree. Is there any... I agree. Amen.

Is there any recovery from that? Four in a row? I'm going to say yes because I'm an optimist. All right, Rudy. I don't know. Is your a single man? Yeah.

If there is a mother, single mother of four out there, reach out. Rudy will fuck you. And take care of the kids. Yeah, yeah. Because you're a caring guy, Rudy. You'll probably knock her up.

If I gave my full effort, there is no way I would improve their lives one bit. Really? Just a father figure? Like, if I tried my very hardest, it's not just,

it'd be different if I was their dad than I have a chance. But that's all that matters. Dude, imagine you as a dad would be, the kids would have a better chance But that's all that matters. Dude, imagine you as a dad would be, the kids would have a better chance

of being straight if they were raised fatherless. Yes, exactly. That's the kind of odds I'm talking about. You're a, future, future gay father

is a funny ass t-shirt to wear. Future gay dad. Yeah. Yeah. FTG. Future gay dad shirt. It has to be a Father's Day special.

There's no... Now, that's for the babies having a gay dad. What a future gay dad is? A future gay dad is a straight man who's going to have a gay son one day. Okay, yeah. Yeah. There are a lot of people on TikTok who they hold their baby and they say, you're going to be a gay baby. Yeah. Oh, they want them. A lot of people on tiktok who they hold their baby and they say you're gonna be a gay baby yeah oh they want a lot of people i figured that was going on behind the scenes they're

they're public about this some kids are coming out at six seven months yeah i have some stories i can't like reveal them yet but are you yeah it's a thing about kids that you know young kids want a gay kid doing yeah getting into it getting into the letters yeah moms want their kids yeah to be gay gay babies yeah it's so does that mean that there's people getting like you're gonna be a straight baby i get it like i know like you text no no as like i think i definitely i think a parent you get the attention you don't have to do disgusting gay sex it's just the kid that will be doing it it's a win-win you get the attention. You don't have to do disgusting gay sex. It's just the kid that will be doing it. It's a win-win.

You get the numbers. Yeah. Yeah, it's balanced. Where does the Persian, like, culture, parenting culture stand? Like, compare it to, is it, like, comparable to Texas, to the Deep South? Well, it was, yeah, Persian parents, you can't tell them that you're gay because they're not going to accept you yeah that you're telling a dad that's wearing eight gold necklaces yeah yeah you better not be gay tiger emblem yeah and the dad has never gone the tightest jeans ever

a pinky ring while i'm in his glove department. You better not be gay. After getting his chest waxed. The most groomed man in the world. The most groomed eyebrows of all time. You better not be gay. My dad would get his clip. He'd go to the barber, but the barber would spend 10 minutes on the front of his face. I was like, Bubba, what's happening? And he would just go like that.

But yeah, Bubba told me. He's like, if you're gay, go away. What if you're like a gay engineer? Ooh. Gay doctor, they would accept. Gay doctor. If you're a gay doctor or lawyer, they're like, okay. Dr. Trump's gay.

But keep it in the closet. Yeah, that sounds like an NBC show, the gay doctor. The gay doctor. The gay Persian doctor. Dr. Trump's gay. I got my GPD. So if we went around and asked, if we were in the Middle East

and we were asking parents, it's a gay son thought daughter. It's a gay doctor, straight, non-doctor. What would they take? Depends on their socioeconomic status. Some would take it. Literally their son would socioeconomic status okay some would take it they'd like literally their son would take it but they would take it yeah they're both taking it hard is there a tier of doctor where it falls off yeah you can't i mean you have to be a surgeon or

something that like accepts the good insurance dentist nobody wants a doctor in el paso that's like saving kids yeah what about like a radiologist yeah Yeah. Yeah. But I was, I mean, I had cousins who are radiologists and they just sit in the basement all day and then they basically, it's like hanging out with the rain man. So I have a middle, I have a middle Eastern dentist. It would, is he, is he allowed to come home for the holidays or is that a failure? He just didn't make it all the way. Okay. But he can come home. Yeah. He's a dentist. Cause then, cause then they'll say, okay say you should have a few clinics it's like the Indians in the 7-11

if you have a few you got money speaking of gay Persians though your real name is Baubach yes my name is Baubach Christopher you had the deck stacked against you man Baubach like a comma Christopher it was just B-A-U-B-A-K and then Christopher. That was your first

Christopher, the last name. No, Bader was my last name. It wasn't good. So you grew up in Chicago. I grew up in the suburbs. I was born here. I've never been to the Middle East actually. No way! But I'm speaking on their behalf. I'm an ambassador.

We haven't been either. We should go for a spring break. Syria. Dude, the Caspian Sea, like Iran has beautiful areas. Sure, yeah. I'm an ambassador. We haven't been either. No. We should go for spring break. Okay. Syria. Dude, the Caspian Sea, like, Iran has beautiful areas. Yeah, it does. Yeah, it's very beautiful there. It does. We should go.

I would. I actually legitimately would. How would stand-up translate there? You get killed. Really? Yeah, unless you're, like, very clean and you say, like, you know, I love the mullahs. Hee hee. Okay.

Is there a scene there? I don't think there's a scene. There's a scene of global terrorism, but I don't think there's a scene of... Stand-up comedy? No, not really. There's not a lot of freedom there. Damn.

Damn. That sucks. They got to have funny guys, just like numbers-wise. Dude, the more miserable you are, the funnier you are. Their population, yeah, is huge. They have a town called Cum with over a million people. Cum? Really? Cum, India? With a Q.

It's one of the largest three-letter Cums in the world. There's Quiche. Do they have Cum? Over a million? Yeah, that's a three-letter city over a million. Yeah, Cum on over is what the traveler's brochure says. Is that true? Yeah, I'm interested. I want to go to Qom.

Dude, that looks actually beautiful. I want to Qom. That looks beautiful. Qom, Uyufez. Yeah, for such a homophobic place, Qom, every building looks like a dick, and the fashion. Fashion is great. And they make women cover up. Yeah.

fashion is great and they make women cover up so yeah i think the more they make women cover up those countries that like behind the scenes people are really uncovered because you really let go of your inhibitions probably yeah there's a lot of underground parties where like kids are like partying that's good yeah i think that sex would be a lot better in cover-up cultures it's mostly anal there okay because you don't want to lose your virginity. Right on. This is the gayest place on earth. Technically, yeah.

Well, the Greeks and the Persians, if you remember. Yeah, they fuck that. Alexander, if you watch that, like they were, there's a lot of from the back. From the back. A lot of American wrestlers

envy Iranians because they are like the LeBron Jameses. Yeah, they're excellent at wrestling. Wrestling and weightlifting. They're excellent, but they're lauded as superstar celebrities. They're like A-list celebrities? Yes. They're like, yeah. That and soccer,

but more so the wrestlers. Wow. Is that the number one? Yazdani, Yazdani, Yazdani! Yes. Who's that? Yazdani. Hassani Yazdani. Is he a legend? I our guy david taylor got guts gets the best of him oh he's the most wrestler looking wrestler yeah um they actually put one to death yeah that was sad that was fucked up that was fucking terrible not great they accused

him of a something he didn't do well he's sticking up for the women. That's why I can't really go there because of the videos I made. But yeah, he's sticking up for the women. Damn. It'd be awesome to go there and like eat and then watch KB like wrestle with everybody. I'll watch the video. Oh my God, I get tortured. I don't want to look that up. In legal recreational wrestling.

Yeah. Let's stop shitting on it. Let's talk about the good, the food, the cuisine. Well, the food, the culture, like honestly, it's a great upbringing. Your family, you have like 15 cousins and you guys are all like brothers and sisters. They all moved here in the 70s, pre-revolution.

We're very pro like freedom and everything. That's why my parents came here. And everyone is way more secular than you think. Nobody's really religious. The more you force shit on people, the less they want it. No, I get that.

You were forced to make pizzas. I wasn't forced. I did it on my own will. I thought it would be fun too. You didn't save yourself? No, I thought it would be fun too. You saved yourself? No, I'm not. I thought it would be fun too. I even put the sauce on my nose. Is there anything on my face?

That's so cute. Is your girlfriend comedy the same as your with the boys comedy? Hell no. I feel like you... No, no, no. No. No. no no no um no like no i just i'm waiting to see how much truth you tell no and you're telling the truth this is 100 true the whole podcast yeah everything this is my real personality this isn't

an act um will you will you like will you sing in front of her seriously not seriously no once yeah once but that we were in the car and it was third eye blind yeah i can't i've never heard i've never seen you sing in front of me you've probably never seen me do something seriously maybe not are you a singer nick like no i've never seen him break out in a song not break out no it's not what's your favorite song you like heavy metal i like like like metal music like the sandman enter sandman or like adam sandler both eight crazy night yeah um uh neither i don't really like metallica that much just like only you were like i like punk rock and hardcore music and she doesn't at all but i third eye blind had me in a good mood driving back from a dinner. I love Third Eye Blind.

Yeah. Green Day? Or no? I liked Green Day growing up, for sure. But not too much anymore. So yeah, we don't really have a music crossover. I don't really have a music crossover with anybody. No one.

And neither do you, really. Yeah, I do. Kyle, what's your music? I like dance music, house music. But you don't dance. I even like Kuiper Pop, like Brickens. Do you? Really?

It's either the worst thing I've ever heard or like, oh, it's addictively good. Barry Keoghan improv'd the scene of him fucking the grave. Found that out. Really? Yep. That was improv'd? All he was supposed to do was rip off his shirt and lay on the tombstone. He whipped out his dick and fucked the ground. And was that good? I mean, imagine being on set

and then just like thinking the scene's over. He improvised fucking the grave without telling anybody. Do you think they clapped? I don't know, man. What do you do on set? So he's just like a weirdo. Yeah.

Because they're like, rip off your shirt and cry. Have you seen salt burn? No. Go. He will. He fucks a grave. That's smart though.

He makes a pussy in the grave or maybe a asshole. Cause he's fucking a guy. Or a mouth. There's a difference. Yeah. He digs out a little man ass and he fucks it i wanted to see what oliver would do next i wanted to see what the next level of obsession was no dude that's a written fictional movie right there's no he's not a real man that tells me a lot about him rip off the shirt and scream and lay on the grave he pulled out he got hard in his head yeah pulled

out his dick while they were rolling i think it'd be funnier to not be on set that day just like he did what that's like some jared leto would do it off camera yes he would be fucking graves prepping for like a role where he wouldn't have to fuck and he would like vacuum the dirt and then send it to everyone on set j Jared Leto's like 60. Yeah, he's got some crazy shit going on. Who's older, him or Depp? No, Jared Leto is probably 51. Jared Leto is shockingly old. He's 51, I bet. 52.

That's older than I thought. He looks great. Johnny Depp's got to be 60. Cool, 60. Not bad. Not bad at all. How do they look like that with the hard drugs they do? I think they do equally hard surgery. I don't know if he looks great.

Johnny Depp does not look great. No, he looks weathered. Brad Pitt looks really good, and he was an alky for a long time. Yeah. But I don't think he was a drug guy. I think if you look weird enough, it can be construed as hot. Yeah, I got gotta do that. He looks like an Orlando Bloom with an old filter on right there.

You can't tell me that. No, he looks like... That's Orlando Bloom. He doesn't look like a movie star. That's for sure. He went through some shit, though. Johnny Depp? He wears it on his face.

Women. Yeah. She pooped on his bed. That picture was so funny. We're the least topical podcast of all time. Jesus Christ. Better on his bed than on him. I don't know, man.

I think poop would come off easy off of my body. I wouldn't have to get new sheets. I'd rather be shit on than my bed get shit on. I had a sheet incident. I had a sheet incident last night. Last night? I was going to tell you guys about. What did you do?

A massive event. You shit the bed? I'm officially like fat. What? I woke up this morning. Oh my god. I was waiting for you to say it. My sheets were torn. Woke up this morning. There was a hole in my sheets. I sleep on my back. It's the exact same size as my back. Just a hole in my sheets. You're so fat you ripped your sheets sleeping? Yeah. without moving. Is that a fat thing? I don't know if that's a fat thing.

I don't know if that makes sense. Maybe you have a twin fitted sheet on a full bed. How did you? Yeah. I don't know how. No, I think it's a fat thing. How much do you weigh now? Yeah, that's a fat thing.

And then today I was like going through that. I was like, is that a fat thing? Is that not a fat thing? Nick was there. I had my feet on a file cabinet that was like 30 pounds and they're built like a Lego. I tipped it over. He knocked over a file cabinet, which is one of the most

secure to the ground things ever. And then that sort of confirmed it. Yeah, you should get your life in order. But, I talked about this on the Yak, Ozempic's destroying Ozempic's destroying thickums. True. Think of elite milk. The most elite milk in Hollywood is who?

Elite milk in Hollywood? Christina Hendricks. No, she is, but similar. Sam Bain. That's whole milk. Yeah, that is heavy cream. That's damn near a milkshake. Sarah Snook is 2%. Been out of the milk game. It's Chastain.

Chastain used to be number one milk. Look at her now, dude. Look at her as of yesterday. There's an argument to be made for sure. You think it's a them? Yes. Yes. I don't know if she's going to post on her Instagram

an unflattering photo. Just search her at the Golden Globes. Was that yesterday? Or the Emmys or something? Golden Globes. Yeah, dude. Unrecognizable. I get it, though.

She's 40 plus. She's been a thick superstar forever. She probably wanted to... A new me. Let me be a skinny girl. Okay, yeah. And Adele. Have you seen Adele lately?

Adele can, yeah. Yeah, of course. But do you think she still has the pipes? She lost her voice? I don't know. I don't know if like, when you're heavy, when you're not as skinny as she is,

like think of opera singers. Like Jonah Hill? Yeah. Jonah Hill probably can't sing anymore. Yeah, but I don't know. I don't know if I'm pro or anti. Ozempic? Yeah.

What about that one model who is larger but very pretty face from like three or four years ago? Yeah, I know who you're talking about. She was on everything. Sports Illustrated? Yeah, she's still the same size. I can't remember her name. I can't remember her either. Shoot.

She's the plus, the, like, the, the plus size, plus size model. Game time, Kyle. Sorry to interrupt the episode, but gotta keep the lights on somehow. And thank God Game Time's here to help us out with that.

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What's her name? No, no, no. She's in there somewhere. That one. Her? Yeah, I think it's her. No. No. She looks Iranian Yumi Nu is that her that's gotta be her

Ashley Graham if she does Olympic it's over we need to cancel everything she could never though she's known for that oh wow she's proud she looks good for that, yeah. Oh, wow. She's proud. She looks good.

Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah, I would let her land on top of me. Yeah, that's cool. No, I like her. Not a crush. You sort of switched up your take all of a sudden. On Ozempic? No, no, no.

I think that is. Ashley Graham. That and Bucal Fat. And I'll be the same. I'll be equal genders. Go to Liam from One Direction he got his buccal fat done looks ridiculous yeah we're a pop culture

podcast now you look up Odell Beckham you've brought yeah look at his face now that doesn't look human it's his lips it's his everything he doesn't look he looks like a Hunger Games judge Nick brought this up to me off camera months ago he just came up to me off camera months ago.

He just came up to me and said, did you hear about did you see Liam? Yeah. Look at what he did to himself. He's doing a lot of the kissy cute. No, he can't help that. He built he got body. He does KB reflection face everywhere. Naturally doing the strings.

You can do these strings. Look at that. How is that? He's doing the string, the surgery. Oh, is he adding that? Yeah, you can do these. I thought he was sucking this and add it. Sew it in to make you have like this draw line he looks like a mazda yeah he does actually

it looks like a mazda six speed rudy you're right yeah he does holy shit he looks just like a mazda you got a body kit uh yeah yeah oh my god yeah he looks like a Mazda exactly yes that's him in the front good pull Rudy god damn one of us should get it

I kind of want it Ozempic or the strange surgery I want that I want fake jaw. So I can shave my beard. If it's reversible, I would try it. I don't know how that works. I think they just put something in right here.

Yeah, I knew that. I would mod the fuck out of myself if I could. Body mods I think are going to be the way of going forward. But not just jaw lines and shit like that. Like cool stuff. I'm surprised you don't have an eyebrow stud yet. I can't. My eyebrows aren't thick enough.

I can lend you some. You would look fucking tight with one, dude. You would actually look tough with one. Chris, I'm dead serious. Mook, I would love to have you have an eyebrow stud. I don't know. They might put it in the wrong spot. It might just be up on your forehead because they couldn't find the eyebrow.

Dude, can you please go get a too high eyebrow stud because he couldn't find it. Or just the black eyebrows. You know how all the girls are getting like that? Oh, yeah. Where they like, they feather it where it's like really thick. Do you remember when really- Mook had black eyebrows. Do you remember when really, really thin

eyebrows were hot? Yeah. I was one of the culprits. You would get them waxed? Oh, so thin that it was were hot yeah i was one of the culprits you you would get them waxed oh so thin that it was like i was like one of the jersey shore guys it was just like a thread yeah my mom had to talk to me about it i didn't know it was amongst men i did not either you just kind of jumped in on that one neither did i dude yeah that was a no i don't think women will ever look like they did in the late 2000s again Brooke Shields that was

just odd it was like mm-hmm real real real real thin eyebrows like a hair width they look like a beer pong game the women did yeah what do you mean I don't know you search like 2000 yeah I don't even know

what to search Andre Agassi's girlfriends from the 90s yeah no that's a reg that's a nah shit I guess not yeah I see what you mean it's a Brittany Murphy right there evolution in the trendy taste yeah I loved her

yeah Brittany Murphy ruled what's celeb death were you the most sad about Robin Williams yeah yeah that was tough who were some bad one Mac Miller Mac was really bad yeah Mac was like the only one I was

remember being like damn that fucking blows yeah yeah I don't Mac was really bad. Yeah, Mac was like the only one I remember being like, damn, that fucking blows. Yeah. Yeah, I don't... My dad was caught up about Farley. Was he? Yeah. Amy Winehouse?

Amy Winehouse, I remember I was in an apartment. I was ready for that. Yeah, I was prepped. Kyle, I remember, prepped me. Kyle wrote a letter. It was 2011. I think it was 2011 or 12. Kyle texted me. He was like, hey, man amy doesn't look

too good yeah i was prepped for that kobe rocked people oh yeah that was on kyle's birthday and then you moved your birthday you lied to people when your birthday was so you wouldn't have so people would go out did that didn't kobe die on your birthday yeah you did he died on my birthday on a sunday and i was at a bar drinking alone, hair of the dog in it. Just miserable. Oh, man. Peak. Yeah, I was miserable health-wise.

I was to the point where the death didn't really affect me. I think I got hired on Kobe's death. Yeah, you did. Did you get a bonus? No, no, man. No, God, no. get a bonus no no man no god no i was uh i was either between fox sports for an art director role or here or it was met the mets an option uh yeah i interviewed at the met i was knocking out all these interviews in new york and uh and i also interviewed at blizzard all for like design stuff

and then i uh was between darryl wayne i was just gonna say that no man like world of warcraft blizzard gaming oh that's a gaming company you played world of warcraft with us i didn't know blizzard was the yeah so uh but i i remember my interview and i was interviewing and i said how much fox sports offered me and then um i was offered 5k less here immediately immediately a power move and then i took it genius and then i took it all right we're gonna count no that's crazy fuck it was dave he was like yeah we'll give you this then yeah and i was like all right yeah uh kb did you see that freezer tarps responded to your zen rant yeah because you texted me and said, I don't know who he is. He said he remixed my rant.

I was like, all right, but let's get a cool song. You're a Zin three man. That's rare. It's rare to find a three man. It is rare. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I didn't see it.

What was it? Yeah, play that. So you don't know this guy? I don't. He messaged you and he said he remixed it he did not message in our biology and we have to go down to three millig no we don't oh shit the only people that are allowed to rip three milli vanilli gum pillies are people that are in nursing homes i'm just kidding new york times chill the the fuck out, you little pigeons. If anything, I was thinking we go to 12 millis.

Two Sixers, Akimbo pillies, top shelf, Tempur-Pedic post-it notes. Buddy, three milli vanillis? I'm going to need one pillow for every fucking tooth to feel anything. Martha Stewie throws in three milli vanillis, and that's totally fine, but I'm not going to be tossing in three guys. Kyle, you're getting owned. Yeah. Peep the fucking beanie bird on my dome.

Might have a hydro flask under there. Shout out the baby Robin Febby's coming in too, where we land in boys' dusty divots. Someone give me a fucking... Kyle, rest in peace. Yeah, I guess. I wish he would have just called me a pussy. I didn't really like the comedy he employed. But no, but he stretched out pussy across a minute.

Yeah. Stretched out pussy. He did. He stretched out pussy. Yeah, that was pretty much a long pussy. That was a real long pussy he gave you. I guess apologize. Yeah, no, I'm sorry.

I'm not touching the Zen content anymore. I think most guys can't handle sixes uh i still can't i still can't um i yeah i don't know are you embarrassed i am i feel like now there's like this league of young men let's look at the comments certainly they're not being mean right saying i can't see out of my glasses uh Ha ha ha, for frick's sake. No, no one's being mean. Listen, you're our boy. If you want us to pull up, we'll pull up.

No. After I saw this verbal beatdown, I don't want... I can contact you, Ron. All right, Nick's out. I'm out. I'm on FreezerTarp's side. I don't want to, but you're my boy, so... Should I come back

at him no man what do you do is there static what can you do I don't know you know who this is he's like a milk boy oh is he what's his thing he's in the milk world his thing is zin he calls oh he's a zin influencer that's fine yeah I thought

he was yeah him and the milk boys bought Tucker Carlson like the biggest Zin tin of all time. Was that a shitty gift? Yeah. What are you supposed to do with that? Was there Zin in that? They just got him the biggest Zin can of all time. Because you can't take it home.

No. To Tucker Carlson. It's like a big tease. We gave Tucker Carlson the biggest Zin container ever. 55-year-old Tucker Carlson. Thank you, boys. Ohucky hell yeah boys what is that they brought it on a helicopter but yeah this is like a different section of the internet here but he um there's not zin in it right i don't think so.

So it's just a big circle. Yeah. Where is he putting that? Dude, India needs to start getting influencers, too. An Indian Mr. Beast would be so funny. Having a bunch of dudes keep a hand on a woman

to have her i just i cannot wait for india india being the number one superpower becoming more dense with people is that's gonna be fun there's nowhere else to go that's what i'm saying like what are they they're not building upwards like china no so where what what is the least like they have some dense deserts for i'm not deserts um i mean it's a huge deserts and they have jungles. Yeah. Probably they'll start coming here. They're letting them in. So be it. Shout out Maresh.

Shout out to Maresh. Is that a... Yeah. Our only... My neighbor Kartik. Oh, yeah. Homie. Oh, yeah.

I like him. Yeah. Good dude. What do you got, Mook? Anything for us? Yeah. Anything to show? Got a bunch of stuff. I don't know if you want to get back into the world. T-shirts, the lore. him yeah good dude um what do you got mook anything for us yeah anything to show got a

bunch of stuff uh i don't know if you want to get back into the world t-shirts the lore i'm starting to feel bad but i did like the daniel larson drone video oh larson's on top larson's blacklisted from the entire town of golden colorado why they are i they are uppity I will say that they're uppity yeah I don't know what he's just like going into establishments and like filming them you're like yeah I

can be here can we just see okay fuck it can we see the Daniel Larson drone video you know who Daniel Larson is I sent it in the group he's a he's a mentally challenged boy I guess okay he's a text. He's a mentally challenged boy, I guess. Okay. He's a menace.

He's a menace, though. He's a good singer. He's aging like a Labrador. Okay. No, he's aging like a Bernese mountain dog. Those things live three years. So he's in trouble. He's in trouble.

I don't know. Oh, I saw. When you describe describe him I guess you should feel bad he's like a homeless but he's a menace he's just the biggest asshole if he was just like a little bit less of an asshole but I don't know if it's it's not his fault right

I don't know if he's capable now he's on the wave of the guy I'm a celebrity so I'm gonna go break your signage. You had a verified. Okay. So this guy just hunted him down with a drone. The music choices. Yeah.

And so he found him and flew a drone just to follow him. So it's so fucked up. It's actually I'm against this. Don't do this to the poor kid. I mean, if you want to not reverse feeling bad for him, look at the dozens of videos of him harassing employees. Yeah,

but this is different. Oh, so he's actually scared. He's hyper-paranoid about everything. Actually, yeah, I think people have lost their humanity a little bit. So he's unwell. Yes. Oh, yeah. I don't have lost their humanity a little bit. So he's unwell. Yes. Oh, yeah.

I don't know why we're poking his fair. I think he's entertained. His music is great. I think he's funny. He's funny. As fuck. He's funny as fuck. You got to go to his, you got to dive into his discography.

Oh, yeah. Then the world of t-shirts is on. I mean, you'll laugh your ass off. I don't want to give these guys anymore off world of t-shirts isn't funny no I don't want to give these guys anymore Daniel Larson is a funny dude he's hilarious oh my god

I am on the phone with the US government the central intelligence agency is going to what a guy what a guy um what else do i have i got a bunch of other oh yeah hit me uh erica's out oh yeah boss lady i like boss lady a lot yeah um she was great she still is is. Great to me, yeah. Yeah, she really respected what we all did here, which was refreshing,

and she just let us do what we wanted to do, which is cool. Nick's Your Cooking Show finally came out. Oh, Donnie finally dropped my cooking show, but not my first episode. That's still on ice. That was a second recording. So I was the pilot.

I was the first episode of that, and then he had all these celebrities come on. And he was like, I bumped you and rightfully so. And then he was just like, dude, all those were so good. I can't put yours out. And I was like, all right. And he was like, let's do another, but just be better. I tried my best.

I tried my best. And Bader, I tried to do some background research into you. Couldn't find much except University of Illinois you're a champagne boy I went to U of I before that I went to Lincoln College in Lincoln Illinois Lincoln Illinois what you know about Lincoln Illinois Lincoln nothing

where's Abe from it was a private two year school in Lincoln Illinois and I had really bad grades in high school so it was almost like a prep school, but you get college credit. Were you a bad student? Yeah, I was. And then my senior year in high school. Wait, you got college credit for being bad at school?

Well, yeah. I went to, it was technically a JUCO, but it was a two-year private school. So there's 400 of us that lived on campus, and that was it. And there was a guy's dorm and a girl's dorm. And you couldn't go there after 11 p.m like to the girls oh was it a christian uh no it was that was the rules no it was i was the only iranian there i was the only brown kid there really illinois very white town how did you explain to your parents did you have to spell it out that it wasn't that kind of juco i just told my i told

my parents i'm gonna be a doctor i promise and my dad's like we're paying we're paying so much for this for you to go to 13 kids in one class where you basically pay for your grades you have to do your homework and i was like i will it was so bad that like so when did you start comedy uh i did comedy when i got to illinois and then my dad called me and asked me if i was gay and then said what's oral interp i said it's this class what happened to finance i said this class you read stuff your dad was looking at your schedule oh yeah oh yeah he and he like i was still scared of him like i was much bigger than my dad and he would like scream me i was so scared and he said i came to this country and i paid for your juco but he would say it in a

different way yeah i think the littler to me the littler of the persian the scarier yeah he's he's five five oh no zert sees dude he was like seven two was he persian yeah yeah he got body yeah yeah he got no he didn't he won he killed leonidas but but like in the end in the end yeah in the end he got body in the minds of the people in the people's he was the scariest Persian I think the sheik iron sheik oh yeah rest in peace very cool very awesome guy

he's the man yeah yeah he's great damn you guys have a hell of a roster yeah it's quite the culture so wait back to like you starting comedy though like were you that's gotta be a tough sell well it was just i just told my dad i said i want to do comedy i want to be an actor and he just he literally was laughing on the phone and he said how are you like a hateful laugh no just like how are you going to pay for your bills like you don't

want to do that he's like it's very hard like you're going to have a hard life study finance and then i said okay and then i switched political science without telling him and i started doing open mics there and i invited him to a show that we did in my fraternity like in front of all these sororities for make a wish and i did stand up and my mom thought i was very funny and wanted me to do it and then this one guy who's big now awesome guy mazra brani he had me open for him at northwestern and it was like a thousand iranians and i started by swearing talking about fucking from the ass nobody laughed no like they're like people women with hijabs and like i'm like and it's my mom's friends no like you see them and i'm dying like sweating through my shirt i left like i left my hosting set i don't

know what hosting set was i got off stage and i was crying i was like maz i'm sorry he's like bob back what happened i was like and i'm like purple and he's like i'll be right back and he went into his 45 minutes and he talked to me afterwards and i quit and then i started again when you quit stand up and for that night i quit yeah for a decade oh shit dude that sounds what a lesson of perseverance yeah I quit for 10 years 10 years

dude yeah so I was 29 and I like started doing classes second city and then we started an open mic and then

it's been 12 years now I just like I was so scared that I like and I ever since up until last year Persian audiences

Middle Easterns were my kryptonite everyone's like how often do you get like majority persian audiences i don't but never like you want like a one of one event yeah it went horribly horribly traumatized you traumatized and then this guy maz who's my friend like family but he's an awesome guy he's my friend and he would have he'd always call me when he's in town to come open for me and like one out of five sets were good like four of the sets were zero laughs because i just is it too middle you're

both middle eastern yeah so it draws in that those persians oh he's so funny yeah netflix specials like he's awesome and he would still invite me like knowing that i kind of had something but he just knew that audience scared me yeah my own race yeah so because they're so judgmental you went back to like 11 year old boy of like is are they gonna like me so it's probably made it probably made others other sets easier from there oh yeah like any like i mean the laugh factory going to new york like going on the road doing stuff in front of like full audiences i was like oh this is easy but like last year was the first time I did an all Persian show for the Persian new year,

March 20th. We'll have a big party here. Let's do it. Um, it was all Iranians and my parents were there and like, but they all flew to LA cause they asked me to be on this show. And it was like an awesome show. Okay.

So you got that. I got the monkey off my back. You got the, you got the winners. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Doing something,

probably the, one of the most uncomfortable events of your life. Yeah. Oh, it was top three by far. It has its benefits. It's like plunging in the Arctic or rucking through the desert. Yeah. Or Masogi. Yeah.

Yeah. Or, I don't know, like wrestling and getting herpes like it's like it's like you had my life yeah facial herpes it's up there wrestling getting herpes and then cutting to 133 in the same week jesus christ that that's hell that's hell that's like that's physical and mental hell but it's not it's there's that's a different type of hell of shame in front of a large group. Shame. Shame is the best way to say it.

And I'm still terrified of that. Yeah, because I guess yours wasn't shame. Did you feel shame from having herpes on your face? No, I didn't even feel shame. I was just hungry. Yeah. Mook, have you performed in front of your parents? One time, yeah.

My folks are going to be at the Pittsburgh shows. Oh, really? Yeah. Nice. You're going to Pittsburgh? Yeah,ittsburgh shows oh really yeah nice you're going to pittsburgh yeah next week you should you're awesome that's great yeah he's doing three shows yeah that's i i'm gonna like well you already your friends are telling you but like you need to keep doing it like you're so fun um i'm gonna try i guess we'll see fuck yeah yeah i'm excited just it's a fun new hobby and i think it'll improve some anxieties I have and it'll improve this job, I'd imagine, speaking.

Yeah. Yeah. I think this is kind of like a gateway to that. It doesn't hurt you. It only helps. Yeah, but it's tough because you don't have the instant reaction of people in front of you. No. My first show ever I did with you guys guys with you uh was in front of 35

people and that was way scarier than the laugh factory was for sure that was horrifying i told you that sure yeah way less intimate at the laugh factory it's more like you know you have a full audience yeah and this is a sass show and i feel like they'll be just excited to see a little sass watch so they're gonna be pumped to see you too and. And Mook is... Mook's going to be there, too. And Mook, to me, has gotten so much better just from when he arrived in Chicago. Yeah. From watching him in the war.

Is he on your comics to watch list? He's on my comics to have sleepover list. Yeah. Oh, fuck, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Bader has bunk beds. In your home?

Weird. Yeah, I have adult bunk beds if you guys ever want to sleep over. No such thing thing but keep going no well we're adults adult bunk beds i have i sent mook a picture of them but i have uh and in my guest room because my niece stays over like once a month yeah and i have bunk beds because i knew she'd like it and like our toys are in there so i told mook i was like you guys should sleep over sometime i can't get over you saying adult bunk beds it was okay that's like saying child condoms was my goal

like it was my goal like when we were like when you're in your 20s and like you don't want it to end like oh yeah everybody's at school you're like dude we'll get a job we'll get adult bunk beds and we just thought it'd be funny not like we want to all sleep in the same room together well honestly like we had a sleepover yeah we did not did. Not too long ago. How'd that go down? It was a blast. Rudy, there's always the gassy one and Rudy was ripping ass.

Rudy was gassy. I can tell the sheets are breaking. He didn't sleep over. No? But I was glad because I said this on the yak. I was farting crazy. You were the gas king.

I went Frazier alley. That would have been a fart tat. I hate when, his farts didn't smell like farts. His farts smelled like poop. Does that make sense? Oh, it does. I had a roommate like that. Yeah. Your farts. His farts smelled like poop. Does that make sense? Oh, it does.

I had a roommate like that. Your farts were smelling like poop, and I was glad you left. I was just putting down Sour Patch Kids Doritos and IPAs. You left at like 2 a.m., though. Oh, Lord. Yeah. He'd be the guy I'd say you have to fast two hours before. Yeah.

The sleepover was a smashing success. It'll happen more and more, and we'll get... Maybe we'll have to get bunk beds. It was remarkably therapeutic. Yeah, I'd love for you guys to use my place. Yeah. Remarkably therapeutic. Yeah. Yeah. success it'll happen more and more and we'll get maybe maybe we'll have to get bunk beds it was remarkable i'd love for you guys to use my place yeah remarkably therapeutic yeah yeah once a month and i finally beat nick in a board game yeah you did oh what board game seven wonders my own shit oh my god i know and you lost to me and danny conrad in uh betrayal at the house on the hill yeah yeah it wasn't a great night for me. And we all won Pandemic.

Wow, we played a lot of board games. We played video games. Rudy wouldn't give up the sticks. We all wanted to play NBA Street or Tony Hawk's Underground. And Rudy was playing God of War, which is a very one-player game. Yeah, no, this is fake news. Also, I was tangled

up with the Colossus of Rhodes. You got killed in the tutorial fake gamer yes it is question for you guys on sleepovers when you were growing up were your parents allowing you to sleep at other people's houses they were but they knew I'd call late because I'd get afraid I went through a year straight

of every sleepover I got afraid parents allow you to sleep over yeah my parents did not let me sleep anywhere only people could come over. Because my mom said she watched Oprah and she's like, if there's a fire or if the dad or mom is a child molester, she's like, we can't be there to make sure

it's okay. Fire or child molester. So I'd always have the sleepovers at my house. She ain't seen a tornado coming. Yeah. No. That's tough. Yeah. That was the best part. My sleepovers at my home were the worst. In my opinion. Yeah, I. Oh my. That's tough. Yeah. That was the best part. My sleepovers at my home were the worst, in my opinion. Yeah, I hate it hosting.

Yeah. It was so sad. Because imagine you're in seventh grade, like David Novak's seventh grade party, everyone's sleeping over, and I had to leave. Yeah. And I'm crying in the bowling alley like, come on. Oh, you went to the party but couldn't sleep over. The best part.

Everyone's leaving at the bowling alley. What a, the worst. I'm stepping in the car. And then you're missing. Yeah. Did you guys always have a, but couldn't sleep over. The best part. Everyone's leaving before we got. I'm devastated. And then you're missing. Yeah. Did you guys always have a kid that got naked? Yes. Always.

Matthew Campbell. I don't want to say it, RJ. Yeah. No, Logan Seidler got naked. He showed his ass, but he never got fully naked. Oh, no. This guy would run after me. Oh, yeah. Dude, we had a kid that we would order pizza and he would get the door for the pizza delivery

driver with just a sock on his dick. Oh, hell yeah. We were in eighth grade. You showed your dick to the delivery man over COVID. I guess I did. You were real drunk. Yeah, I was real drunk. We were having people over during COVID. We ordered Papa John's. We've talked about this. For a discount? No, no. He had his dick out and didn't know the delivery guy was there.

I was on my outdoor deck. The guy didn't not go to the front door. He saw everybody out on the deck and he walked out. This was June on my deck. Okay. I don't know why you think that's going to happen. Of course his dick was out. June on my deck, dick out. I think a summer evening on a deck.

Yeah, but I was there, man. I've never had my dick out on a deck, dude. I've never gotten dick deck. I've never gotten a deck. Yeah, but I was there, man. I've never had my dick out on a deck, dude. I've never gone dick deck. Really? I don't know. You had your dick out. It might be on the delivery man because he went to the deck and he saw us out on the deck and he walked up there instead of the front door. Yeah, it was on. And your dick was out. I could see you getting a splinter on

dick deck day. Oh, it would be a nightmare. Splinter on the dick would be the worst. Oh no, I can't even. I don't think I've evolved past getting a splinter. I was would be oh no i can't even yeah i don't think i i've evolved past getting a splinter i was like rubbing my hands all over the wood like can i still get this really it's like no it's been decades can adults not get splinter it's been two decades i've got a splinter but you guys make that your new year's resolution make that your new year's resolution to get a splinter yeah i don't that couldn't get one splitter and getting stung by a bee oh yeah i can't

get stung by a bee no i just got it i've never i won't let it happen the only time i got one was when i ran into one yeah i forced the issue yeah it was self-defense it didn't attack you yeah you got bulldozed dude back on sleepovers i used to call pretending to be sick all the time to get picked up so one time in order for me to be pretending to be sick all the time to get picked up So one time in order for me to be allowed to stay over my parents made me run like a mile to prove I wasn't sick Up and down the street and then I still went home sick. Are you trying to get out? No, no No, I I went home sick from so many sleepovers or age Nick. Tell us Fifth grade like you faked sick. Yeah, you don't. You didn't want to stay the night? Yes. But your parents... My parents were pissed about it.

Your parents didn't want you to come back home? No. They didn't want to come get me at one in the morning. There is times when I had... I didn't want to stay over, and the only communication was through their... that family's landline. Yes.

So I had to get on the home, and I had to kind of whisper like a signal, like, please, please come. Yeah. Can I come up? Can I stay the night at? Please. I would just speak Farsi.

Yeah. Oh, that's perfect. Oh, do you know Farsi? Yeah. I'm not like fluent fluent. I have an accent when I talk, but I can understand it. Who else knows Farsi? MIA?

I don't know any Persian celebrities, American celebrities, to be honest. Well, I am trying to see this one. Yeah, let's get there. Persian American. What about Xerxes? No, there's a girl from SNL who is very funny. She do the Kim Kardashian. She's good.

But there's not a lot. Who married Nick Jonas? Priyanka Chopra. You're right. Priyanka. she's indian pakistani indian she's 41 i did not know how old's nick jonas my age 30 or 31 oh wow you never see it that way you never see older woman not enough hmm ashton kutcher yeah fuck it i'm going to stand him. I stand Priyanka and Nick. With Demi. Brave. Five, six.

Bo Burnham is going up like 15 years. Hmm. I think Bo Burnham. Oh, with the French president. Much older girl. French president's gay. French prime minister. Did he come out as gay?

Macaroon? Oh, not him. Not him. He's probably if he's French. If you're French, you're gay. No, Mackie is gay because his wife is 25 years older she's so much older dude why is she 25 uh-huh it makes no sense and he's like a handsome fucking president well the president of france like it doesn't make sense well what about aaron taylor johnson and his scream mask of a wife.

Well, now, I don't know who the fuck that is, but now I would love to see a picture. And I'm going to disagree with Nick emphatically. But I might laugh. Because what he said was ridiculous. What's going on there? She fucking... Macaroon. Macaroon, the old French president.

Because she's like 70 come on joe you're in a bad spot you're in a bad spot she she like uh preyed on him when he was like 14 she just she looks like she was a director she was his director of a movie he got the role that's a great day and come to life. Dude. That is scary, dude. His wife is so fucking cutting. Oh my, that's wrong. And look at him on that Esquire cover. It's so cutting, dude.

That's why men and women can't. Oh, dude, fuck this guy. Dude, yeah, I know. Dude, I wear the same body as him. Do you know, um... Well, Hugh Jackman, noted gay man, just divorced his wife and he had a...

And she was a hog. Wolverine? Gay? Oh, no. He's an architect. What do you mean? That's what all the guys call him. He's an architect.

He's built her up to satisfy his tastes in women. Which is what? Just feeding? 25 years older. He's masculine. Out of shape? Wait, wait. Hugh...

Hugh Jackman. Hugh Jackman's wife has gotten progressively larger since they met. Ozempic is what she. But I don't think she. That's why there's Ozempic. But that's to suit Hugh. This is wrong, dude. Am I thinking of the wrong woman?

This is like Odell's. Are you thinking of Pierce Brosnan's wife? Pierce Brosnan. He's the architect. My bad. Pierce Brosnan's the architect? Yeah, I can't keep up with these British guys. One's Australian.

Same thing. Wait, what's going on, Piercy? They're calling him an architect? Certainly that facial hair isn't a gay man. No, she's stunning. He loves her. Fuck that. I'm cool with that.

I'm going with Jack. Aaron Taylor Johnson got taken advantage of when he was a young boy. By whom? That was his director. Who was the... But what was she like? What was she... Hmm? Who was she but what was she like who was she who was she is this the scream mask yeah like i don't have my glass when did they meet so from this angle i'm like yeah i don't know trust me all you need a picture is old

am i missing divots and craters dude Dude, who was she? Yeah, wait. The actor and director met on set. Why does the internet keep going out? What is the age they met? 18 and 42. Yeah, she preyed on him. That's not right. That's Epstein. Who was she?

Was so indirectly mean. No, who was she? I would never make fun of a woman, but I think she's a predator. And I don't mind saying that she looks like the bottom of a shoe. I think she's a predator and I don't mind saying that she looks like the bottom of a shoe. She looks like those belts you buy in Mexico for like $70. It's a woven woman. The woven belts, yes.

33 and 56. I mean, maybe he loves her, but you don't know what love is when you're 18 and your director, somebody in power. Same thing for men and women uh i will say that there's a lot of fucking disgusting dudes with beautiful younger women of course you see um i just can't think of any examples but you know you know that's way more common you know do a lipa do Lipa, her ex-boyfriend. Anwar? Anwar Hadid. See what he posted on Instagram? No, what did he do?

He was sad about the breakup. He looks like an Addams Family. What did Anwar Hadid post? Trying to not... Hold on, no. Go to just his Instagram. Trying to not to find and kill him. Oh, he posted a picture of the guy?

What? No, himself. Because she has a new boyfriend. Right, and she's somebody from an actor. But Anwar is upset. Anwar trying to not to find and kill him. Damn, that's rough.

It sounds like Anwar wrote that. Trying to not find and... To kill. Damn. I mean, imagine losing Dua Lipa. What do you do? You never come back from that.

No. No. You Dua Lipa off a building. Yeah. That's the only Dua Lipa you can do anymore it's a leaping time Dua Lipa yeah that's

GG's brother sounds like Rudy trying to flirt with his twitch crush Rudy's twitch viewers don't care about him it's just it's a chat room while rudy plays video games it's a dating chat room while he plays video games yeah i don't know how that happened there's there's bona fide relationships you've spawned a few imagine like them having to say how they met uh why do you say like why do you say like that how'd you guys meet uh there's like

this dyslexic guy It sounds like it's me what we watch a spear play we watch him in a gimp suit play Tetris tell me that's not Shakespeare Tell me that's not modern and then we were so and we just started fucking Yeah, do welcome to the new world dude yeah rudy's dating camp yeah and they yeah they get after it heavy people in twitch chat rooms might be the horniest people um yeah yeah yeah it's up there it's i can think of some more but there's also like a scarcity thing going on you know like there's not enough people to fuck each other. No, I think it's like a scale. Like in certain cultures, they operate on scarcity.

And that gets you to like a primal level. Like the cast. Talk about you guys. Hmm. Oh, them. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I get it.

No, I think that women go in there for to find a man that will worship them. Women in chat rooms are looking for a man to worship them. They definitely have the upper hand in there. Yes. But you don't really know. You could be getting catfished. Like, you could be Manti Teo. Have you guys ever gotten catfished?

No. No, and it pisses me off that people still try. Yeah. You have to be super, super dumb. In a way you can, like on the dating apps and stuff, because they might not look like what their photos look like. Yeah. But it's at least that person. I've never been misled with like.

It was always my fear that I'd catfish someone else when I was on the apps in Philly. Yeah. Because I had a lot of like friends in my pictures and I was like, just so you know, like I'm the redheaded one. Oh my God.'t do it dude i actually said that yeah you've said just so you know oh my god i was like you know i have the red hair right that's oh why i know women love a confident man like that well i don't have any solo pics so it was always like you got it right so i i was thinking about that today what solo pics i have what would i post um i i have to go to the dermatologist once a year because i've had

uh fucky moles and i've gotten stuff removed and they had to do a 360 scan of me and i would just love to post that and like they could just drag around and see what i they could see what i look like naked from the soles of my feet up. Imagine just having that on your profile. They can just drag around your naked body. You gotta put on goggles to look at your profile.

Yeah, it's like a loofah on Amazon. You can do a 360. You can do the whole 360 scan of me and just spin me around. Just so you know, this is me fully. See what my dick looks like from the top of my head you wouldn't be able to see it past my nose that's fine though oh man anything else uh

just i had one more housekeeping kb uh your sick day video you gotta you gotta keep turning yeah i wanted to weekly vlog from you that was really good the hulk juice i need some of that shrek shrek soup not oh yeah it's it turns out it's swamp swamp soup swamp soup oh easy switch but i guess like it's interchangeable so yeah yeah any update very good on the new cat uh we're gonna hold off until after um traveling in february it's a lot i'm traveling in uh. It's a lot. I'm traveling in April, but then I'm going dog. You're going dog?

Reached out to some breeders. Whoa. I support that fully. A miniature wiener dog. Good for you. Oh, that's awesome. Do they get smaller? Yeah.

That's Schunzel's? Yes. That'll be great. And I think I'm going to name it Nathan. Because he's a hot dog? No. Oh, I didn't even think of that. Fuck, I I didn't think of that fuck I don't want to do that I don't be clever I just thought it was a man name no I don't do fuck I'm not gonna do Nathan

I actually even bought back and I was gonna say like yeah cool but no don't do that I might do a Chinese name Xin Zhao you will be my dinner one day that That would be so funny. Oh, fuck. I didn't mean that either. Shit. I just want a traditional Chinese name for my dog. No, I don't want a Chinese dog name. I want a Chinese man name for my dog. So look up all the Chinese emperor names. I don't even know how you Google that. Most popular Chinese names.

For men. Zhang Wei. Okay, yeah. i'll name him zhang wei chan chan wei it's very french your chinese name yeah he's a chinese french man zhang is the most popular chinese name that's crazy that is crazy uh also before we sign off i want to say first of all big shout out to max p oh yeah who is an anus fan and is in uh it's his birthday today it's his birthday happy birthday max p he sent us a lightsaber for his birthday yeah he's uh he's a twitch guy anus guy oh max p yeah i think i know so thank you max p he sent us other stuff before oh yeah max yes yeah he sent us a birthday max yeah the discord give max p some some pussy yeah yeah and this lightsaber he gave us is actually insane yeah

it's so cool what no you just turn the volume down. It's way too complex. It is incredible. Like, you can do, like, moves. Like, you can do, like, lightning. But it knows when, like, you do counterclockwise. Yeah, so here, hand it to me. Yeah, Nick knows it better. Sure do. Yeah, Nick's more of a Jedi.

Sith. It's cool as hell. It's actually very impressive. When you move it, it can, like, read movements and do different sounds for movement it's a cool lightsaber um but it's tricky rudy turn the volume off but i know how to turn the volume on well i have i have the app you have the app there's an app got it so then no no so when i'm getting like uh moog shoot force lightning at me forgot how to do it no you did it right it's hard though like i forgot how to do it doesn't matter no wait now the color's changing fuck I don't know how to use this

it's like a real lightsaber where like you can't just pull up on it like you gotta get to know it dude it's fine it's a real machine it's ruined um fuck see yeah it's hard to wield um Chris anything uh to plug what are your socials uh at Chris Bader

comedy is YouTube and Instagram I appreciate you coming out you got shows coming up i've seen you live you're fantastic yes other people should see you your crowd work goes crazy love your crowd you got a couple of kisses when i was there you got a couple of kisses on their first date that dude was so excited yeah i've seen bader like murder the guy yeah go see him at the laugh factory and at Zany's on Valentine's Day and Mook will be there with me

on Valentine's Day come watch us and then subscribe to my YouTube at Chris Bader comedy fantastic will do friend of the program do we want to talk about the bonus episode possibly oh yeah I guess this is coming out we're gonna do I like doing

the salt burn review we all did so every week if you guys want to submit like a movie or a product or something for us to review we're gonna do a 30 to 40 minute episode as well that'll be coming out friday yep um that'll probably be coming out earlier in the week typically yeah but we're gonna do a bonus uh every week of just like a review a reaction or something like that so i think this week um i think it'll be the sydney sweeney movie anyone but you anyone but you so if you guys have seen that or if you want to pirate that whatever burn it i don't know how that works uh that or wonka or uh indian forrest gump indian forrest gump would be funny too if Where can you get that online?

I want the most accessible one online. I would do that. Yeah. If we can get that. It's on Netflix. Alright, there we go. Netflix? Let's do a review of Indian Forrest Gump Friday. So it's called Wal Sing Chata. You could just really Google

Indian Forrest Gump first result. It probably shows up in Netflix too. Yeah. Amazing. All right. God bless. All right, guys. Thanks, Chris.

Thank you, guys. Thanks, Chris. Love you guys. Love you more.