A New Untold Story - The Science Fair Jar - A New Untold Story: Ep. 314

Episode Date: October 20, 2022

Its the first episode of the post Owen era. We have a new version of The Knews, a very important science experiment to get to the bottom of, and KB's head is massive for the beginning of the episode.You can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, A New Untold Story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad-free on Amazon Music. A new untold story. The post-Owen episode. Episode 314. That's St. Louis. Shout out Nelly. Shout out the... St. Lunatics. St. Lunatics.

I think Nelly says the N-word like 48 times in... What song is it? His most popular one. Hot in Her. Hot in Her. No. His most popular... So Hot in Her. Hot in Her. No. His most popular. So Hot in Her.

No. Country Grammar. Country Grammar. It makes sense that he says the N-word a lot in Country Grammar. It makes sense that he says it a lot in general. He's a black rapper. It's true, yeah. Yeah.

Anyways, 314, first post-Owen episode. We start off with the news as most people know and for me it's become so challenging and mook pitched this idea to freshen it up because first of all um what the fuck's under my red bull all right anyways what is that of course shut the fuck up i'm done with this because people are gonna be like how are you so stupid every time you're right you you don't want to be made a fool no that's the last i'm tired of being that playing that role i i've tried to transition into serious opinions, like vocalized op-eds, and I'm still, like, people are still laughing. I wonder why.

What? I wonder why. I can't hear shit. What is, who was sitting here last? What? Oh, we did, was that good? Yeah, it was good. That was later on.

We just, wait, put the headphones on so it like smushes the head down. It was like really soft. The thing is like a dodgeball. We just got done filming a commercial for Southern Comfort and my character is so embarrassing. I had this bodysuit on. I had ripped abs. The girls were touching it. And then you, you were that.

And you had to get there like three hours earlier. I would say for an hour and twenty no exaggeration probably like an hour and fifteen with this makeup artist who just got back from Hong Kong filming a documentary. How did you get chosen for that role?

I didn't have any part. No, nobody did. And the commercial makes no sense. No sense i didn't have any part no nobody did and the commercial makes no sense no sense what was the premise because i was in the room for the beginning and i didn't quite get it we're all friends in college no i'm excited for the for the drop oh you don't want to spoil it we're all friends in college and we're cheersing we're cheersing southern comfort and then it shows us in the future and that's kyle yeah we were yeah we're all there's nothing else regular guys at a party flashback and then to the future they're regular guys with girlfriends yeah with hired hired women yeah by the way when they came

in and i was just like so creepy you were so creepy i was like oh will one of you be playing my girlfriend and i said it like that there were four guys me the three sass kyle and we're all in suits that they bought for us well tailored hair slicked back the girls walking in dresses kyle was getting that head put on and kyle looks at him it's dead silent in the room he's like so which one of you is my girlfriend and i said it's so which one of you is my girlfriend and i said it's so which one of you is my girlfriend you said like my yeah i didn't like it at all um um you look like a a lot of viral tiktoks of like moms that post their the kid with this deformity yeah yeah you know there's one that i'm thinking of and it's the veins that really it's the big well it's there it's this yeah that really. It's the big. It's this.

Yeah, that's a good way to describe it. It's this. I don't have to tell you what it's like. It was, there is a kid with this. There's a primarily, our listener base is actually primarily audio. So Kyle's wearing a real big fucking head. Oh yeah, fuck, yeah. A real big, soft, veiny head. a real big oh yeah fuck yeah you're a real big soft veiny head i real big it's real big uh-huh um and that's like that was like the plot of me growing up

why you had a you had a big head i don't know what the plot was i was a college kid normal regular normal college and then i become this and And it's a Southern Comfort commercial. But also, like, is that a vampire costume? Yeah, I'm taking it off. You're going to take it off right now? She said... What'd she say? Be careful, and she gave me, like, ointment or cream.

Ointment or cream? Is it lube? Because it's so... It's stuck. My skin might rip off. She says. I can't wait to see this. If you're listening, go over to YouTube.

This is kind of disgusting. Ew. Oh my god. The underneath is even worse. Your hair looks dope. Look at that. I'm so sweaty. Your hair looks looks dope though you look kind of badass he was trying to pull it over and it just unsnapped so oh my god what are you doing dude i'm changing pause changing. Pause. All right, we'll pause. Yeah, I just said pause.

No, no, no. While he's doing that, GameTime, our biggest sponsor. Really appreciate the guys at GameTime. Created by fans for fans. Me and my mom are actually going to go see Les Mis together. If you're looking to go to an MLB playoff game, you can use GameTime. Download the GameTime app. Go to the account tab to create your login. Redeem the code untold

for 20 off your first first purchase download game time last minute tickets lowest price we guarantee it actually really like game time you look kind of worse with like that residue around there's still like a very thick layer on your face do you feel better uh yeah yeah those years are more normal than yours i know all right um dude so yeah the news has gotten very hard all right yeah we're not like we're not like fuck the news no it's just very hard to write for yeah i get maybe not so and it's sometimes hard to do current events like oh yankees win thanks to batter aaron judge and the grit of the bullpen battering grit fucking breakfast um but not anymore i would have fucking kept that that would be my like headliner.

I was reading that. It is literally my headline. I was reading it out of the corner of my eye. So Mook had the idea to do a on this day in history news. So we were all assigned like an era to do the news. We also have a special guest for the news noted Cuck Jake Malasek who's been text. You're in the anus group chat for what reason? Well, I was helping out for a little bit. For a little bit.

You never quit. No, but I enjoy it. I like to hang out with my friends in the group chat. Sure, man. But you keep on sending us. No, you've been sending me jokes directly, even though you're in a group chat with all of us. Because are you embarrassed? Well, I don't want to come off as pushy.

So I just sent it to you. And then if you wanted to. And so I i said come on and make your jokes yeah um i said as long as it's not about virginia or those are the two that's your one thing that is your one descriptor so let's before we get into our in on this day in history you can finally say your joke all right well i had to rewrite it four or five times so So this is the most recent, most recent version. V5. Yes. The University of Virginia had a much needed bye week this past weekend after a stretch of tough losses dampened the Cavaliers once high spirits. First season head coach Tony Elliott said in a press conference that he's looking to use the bye week to rally his troops and turn it around for the second half of the season. However, some UVA fans are calling for

Coach Elliott and his staff to be fired. A rally in Charlottesville led by a group fearful of being replaced? Not again! There we go. Good shit. Kyle, do you celebrate bye week in June? Bye week would also be the

really good name of a gym. Bye W-E-A-K fuck yeah motivational you don't get that off your face wait look at me yeah you got it no I didn't you can't even notice it don't 12 year old me

wait there's still like a layer of like weird is that your there's like a layer of very thin like membrane yeah get that that's bothering were you about to ask if that is that like my real skin yeah no it looks like when you're peeling oh man that looked like it felt good though that that might be my skin yeah you got to go pretty much like your whole face what's in the bag ointment i think that's what you need right now yeah whatever ointment up dude she gets a

reason you have skin issues and you had that on your face for five hours i don't have skin issues i have rosacea what's rosacea i don't even know if i have it i think i just have a red face from always being sweaty and angry all right we're good yeah did that help at all no yeah okay um so let's do mook great idea on this day in history news what era did you do mook i chose biblical oh yeah okay rudy what about you i i have 1999 great year you're super super sick Your peak of civilization. What do you say? What do you have? You gave me the 1700s.

I did. I put me to sleep. Well, I thought I just did all history. You did all his mostly modern. It was just like, yeah, John James Watt invents the steam engine. There's so many jokes in that. He should have invented the light bulb. Because of his last name. More sense. More money in that. He should have invented the light bulb. Because of his last name.

More sense. More money in that, too. Yeah, I guess he should have. Are you sure he didn't do both? Are you asking if James Watt didn't also invent the light bulb? Maybe he did both. I think it's well known who invented the light bulb. But then why is it called Watts?

Exactly. Should have did that yeah it was like giovanni dave whatever circumnavigated i don't care so okay i did the cretaceous period it must have been hard to find headlines so and i it's only stuff yes that's right it is uh actually uh 14 MYA, million years ago. That's what you say before AD, MYA. I was calling it Maya, and then I had to figure out what Maya stood for. What'd you come up with? It's million years ago.

No, but I thought you were going to say something like you thought of that would be different. I initially had it typed out 145 MYA, million years ago. Oh, that's embarrassing. I've had worse. I guess like the measurement of acres is in something that's abbreviated H.A. Yeah. So whenever I'm reading a Wikipedia page about the size of a piece of land or like a city or whatever, and it says it's X amount of acres. And then in parentheses, it'll say ha.

And I always just thought like they were laughing. Troll like edited the Wikipedia page. And I always just thought like, a troll edited the Wikipedia page, and that was like a joke. Do you remember Logan Seidler in the fifth and sixth and seventh grade spelling bee? Fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth grade spelling bee? He was in seventh, you were in sixth. I think, were you competing in it?

I misspelled, I had two misses in my spelling bee career. Graf and Newton. I was so anxious. I was a very good speller. I spelled Graff, I was so scared. So you have to even qualify. You have to win in your class to make it onto the big one. I spelled Graff, G-R-A-F-F.

That's a last name. Yeah. Yeah, that's tough. Tyler Graff. I was just with Logan and his word he got out on was background. That's yeah. No, but he got it wrong. And then he goes into the mic trying to be like cool and like knowing how it's just

spelled. He's like, I forgot the hyphen. And his mom sent us the video. Oh, yeah. Wait, how do you spell Newton? N-E-W-T-I-N. My brain was freezing. I knew the president's in order in kindergarten.

Is there a video of you? I knew the alphabet backwards in kindergarten. Do it now. I don't anymore. Oh. That's like a magic trick, though. That's not like knowledge. That's just memorization.

Yeah. And that's what knowledge is. No, no, no, no, no. Knowing the alphabet backwards is like a parlor trick. You're right. You're right. But as a kindergartner uh no it's genius how long did it take you to do like to memorize um quickly wow yeah wow um you know what thing i fucked up like similar to the wikipedia the acre thing that was super

embarrassing for years i thought that 512 was a real measure measurement so i used to say for years not jokingly that i was 512 and everyone was like oh i like that talking about his height my height i know that's what that those are the jeans i bought 5 I just bought 5'12". What do you mean? You thought your height was 5'12"? As a six foot adult? Yes. I thought that 5'12 was a real measurement. Why? You didn't.

I swear, dude. But why? Because I. First off, where did you see this? Well, here's what happened. I was 5'11". And then I grew. And I hadn't been to the doctor since.

So I was like, oh, I must just be 5'12". I thought it went 12 to six feet. So then I just assumed that there was another inch in between 12 and 6 foot yeah so i just said for like literally two years i was like i'm 5 12 and then finally someone's like realized that everyone thought i was just being sarcastic and joking and i was not whatsoever just weren't at all i was completely just stupid and unaware so i thought it was was past tense there. Did I say it right? Yeah.

Okay, good. Yeah, you did. So I did the Cretaceous period. I think that's how you say it. Biblical. You just did a UVA joke. I did a 70s. You have a joke on the 70s? I forget you're in the group chat and you just see everything. Do your joke

on the 70s right now. Snap on them. Is it you just see everything do your joke on the 70s right now snap on them was it about is it about pubic hair no all right if we can guess what it's about you're not allowed to say it deal i already said pubic hair um the 70s uh john stockton is it jeffrey dahmer John Stockton? No. Is it Jeffrey Dahmer? No. Is it Acid? It is not. Say your joke. Okay, you passed. This year marks the 50-year anniversary of Dartmouth College finally allowing women to attend the prestigious institution. While many male students favored co-education at the time, a significant number resisted and would frequently slur at the Dartmouth women by calling them the derogatory term co-hogs

instead of co-eds. After relations between the sexes at Dartmouth became cordial, the next instance of a large group of white men not enjoying the introduction of a co-hog would be the writer's room of the Simpsons on January 31st, 1999. It was a family guy joke.

Holy shit. God damn. What is a co-hog? Is it a clam? It's a clam and they're gross. They Goddamn. What is a quahog? Is it a clam? It's a clam. They're gross. They have like big long tongues, don't they? They're big clams? Big, big, baked clams.

Yeah. You order. They're called stuffies on menus. You order. That's a quahog? Yeah. I order stuffies. You can't order stuffies cool.

I know. We've talked about that. I'll go first if you guys don't mind. I mean, if we're going to go maybe in order of time. Chronologically. So me, Mook, you, you. Or you did all eras. It wasn't really the rules at all.

All right. Bad boy. I've retired Bethany Hamilton. Oh, shit. I don't believe that. No that no i have and i have a new theme okay all right the cretaceous period welcome it's 145 million years ago it's october 19th hell yeah this is what um it's years ago it's october 19th hell yeah this is what um it's the cretaceous was the last period before the paleozoic era that's right the cretaceous was the last period before the paleozoic era usually the last period is before the menopause era my last period was algebra 2 Algebra 2. Okay. Me likey. Is your new theme Algebra 2? Yeah.

No, it's not, but I guess it... No, it's not. You'll get it. Here in the Cretaceous period, we're living on our one landmass, Pangea. Aren't we? Yeah. Yeah.

Uh-oh. It seems to be starting to move apart incontinence shit i knew pangea was old but incontinence get this land a fucking diaper it's peeing his pants wait what that means like you're peeing yourself yeah like in constant like it's been a rough one if you're peeing yourself. Yeah, like inconstant. It's been a rough one. If you're suffering from inconstance, that means that you like you dribble. That's right. OK.

It's like a nice way of saying it for old people. That's right. I don't know why it's me reporting on the Cretaceous when it's more suited for my gay co-host Kyle, a sneaky dinosaur fan. He is transitioning. So his T-rect. fan he is transitioning so his t-rect he only gets head from people named dustin john or mark and won't try sarah top kyle was obsessed with black dick oh shit his last boyfriend had a little one that kyle said looked like one of lebron james tootsies but it still left him with bronto sore ass wordplay's going crazy so it's a very hot time on the planet i said woo in the wrong spot it's a very hot time

on the planet doesn Doesn't matter. If we were living in this era, we would all be a little bit darker complected. Everybody a little tanner. What? We would all be Michelle from Full House? Uh oh, sound the alarm boys. Oh the fuck.

There are rumors about a comet coming to hit Earth, leaving the planet empty. A comet hitting is awful. Hitting a comet on the underhand, well, that just makes for a very sad episode of Fool House. You went frank a little bit on that one. You hit a nutter. A nutter.

Uh-oh. The comet was the name of their golden retriever. Oh, yeah. The sea levels rose rapidly in this era more than almost any other. The only time you could see levels rise more is on the

billboards after Avicii died. I feel bad about the one. If I'm going to make a DJ joke, it'll be about Candace Cameron's character. Alright, I'm about it. I'm about it. I'm in now. I'm in.

That's your boy. Wow. Look at our ocean, though. Have you guys seen our ocean? There are all these new creatures called sharks and rays. Shark rays? Is this the Cretaceous or a high-stakes poker table? Speaking of poker, what's your favorite hand?

Oh, God. Mine's a full house. That was more poetic than anything. Beautiful. Damn, you nailed the lens right there. That was fucking tight, time that was sick all right so next is mook uh so yeah i'm i'm i decided like with violet beauregard and with bethany hamilton it's it's almost too specific and if i chose a larger thing like full house all kinds of stuff

yes all kinds of stuff you got some wiggle room a lot can work with that yeah uh mook all right is my mic on feels like it went away no it's recording but then like the weird thing is the headphones like for whatever reason while you're doing that i couldn't hear it in the headphones but it's it picking up. All right. It'll be your funeral. Yeah, I know. I already crumpled my paper. I can't do it again. I know you can't. Hello.

What's your hat? I'm God. Oh, I can tell by the hat. Welcome to church, boys. Here we go. Wait a minute. Did you... How is it so off-center? I'm not an artist.

But the O is perfectly center. Why'd you space out the D? Did you write that left-handed? I tried. I think you did it while it was on your head. That's the only explanation. It was a panic move I saw in the bodega. That says go D.

Go D? Yeah, that is go D. Go D, baby. That's the equivalent of a defense sign in the football stadium. I mean, I'm God. Okay. I'm not D, I'm God. You can't, that O is flubber.

Flubber? It looks like the... All right, all right, go ahead. All right, well, I'm going to... I'm God, and welcome to church. This week, heavyweight champion Goliath was challenged by a Jewish guy named David. According to the media, Goliath was a heavy favorite, while David was a heavy underdog with a loud bark. But David shocked the world when his show Seinfeld dominated the charts.

Yep, that's good. Yep, yep. We owe a lot of our lives to a Jewish David. We do. Yes. God bless David. This week was a wild one for my son, Jesus. Jewish leaders feared Jesus gained too many followers.

So as a result, they had Jesus hammered to a cross and crucified. I think the Jews went too far. Considering they could have just banned him from Instagram, like Zuckerberg did to Kanye West. Yeah. Yeah, they could have. Kanye West. Yeah. Yeah, they could have.

Also this week, Jesus named his 12 disciples, Peter, James, John, just to name a few. They were sent to preach and travel to spread the word of Jesus. The last time 12 men traveled to spread Jesus, they were caught by ice and sent back over the border. That was good. Yeah, that was damn good. Landed that plane. Okay. And last update. This week, I spoke to Moses on the hill or Mount Sinai.

I gave Moses a tablet with 10 mandates. I mean, commandments in order to restore obedience to God and a higher power. The commandments are you shall not steal. You shall not murder. You must receive the johnson and johnson vaccine get boosted up to four times wear a mask indoors must not commit adultery unless you are dating a kardashian spread awareness and give money to ukraine stop trump's hate actively defund the police and you will eat the fucking bugs there it is there is. Peace be with you. Amen. And also with you.

Who's your favorite apostle? Because we would play like tag at St. Vincent's where like you chose an apostle and they would like, did you play that? I didn't play that. I did. Why would I play that? Wait, you played tag as the apostle? Instead of freeze tag, we did like crucify tag.

And if they caught you, they like put you on the... I was kicking the dodgeballs onto the roof of the school. Mr. Wilson, the janitor. Yeah. Real pissed to go up there. You were not kicking the balls on the roof. We would do that. Yeah.

Am I up? You're up. 1999. 1999. You gave me a very rich year. So thank you. Yeah. What was going on in 99?

A lot of shit, bro. Bill Clinton was getting his dick sucked. That was. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Yeah. that was a big one uh it was a packed year um the first one owen hart recently passed away in kansas city missouri at a wwf event that's wrestling he was being lowered on a wire that accidentally released causing him to fall 78 feet to his death. Coincidentally, the event was called Over the Edge. That's not even a joke. That's just literally what happened. No way. Yeah. We also lost an Owen. We did lose an Owen. Yeah. We did lose an Owen. The fastest wind speed in history was recorded in Oklahoma City during the year 1999. Many people thought it was from the F5 tornado that tore through the city.

But the wind actually came from a nine-year-old boy named Kyle, who was well known for being able to fart powerfully on command. Hell yeah, dude. I thought I was about to get roasted. I know. That was my thing. Wait, fart. That was my thing. Fart. That was my thing.

In college. I thought it was still your thing. No, it was like age 10 to 22. You were the fart guy? Yes. Hell yeah. I'm really glad you took that positively. Can I talk about one of your moves in front of girls?

I've done this, yeah. No, can I talk about one of them? Oh, what? You intentionally get caught shitting. What? I've been to different house apartments, and they'll be in there doing their makeup. You'll walk in and shit on paper yes

what do you mean on paper really written out yeah that's accurate but it's a defense mechanism I've seen them do this like three times very often and I know I'm going to have to or I currently have to and I don't want to be awkward about it so so you just you

be as brolic in like as masculine about it and open about it as possible so you do it with the door open as if it's like a joke we were at a pregame and there was there was somebody there doing their makeup and you just walked in and dropped trowel yeah how how is what how does that received by the female community um they're they know you're not a pussy so they it may not end well but ultimately they're not going to like view you as like some guy who's afraid to shit or did it in secret that's so specific yeah i know of course they're not going to look at you like a guy that's not afraid to shit that's because i'm gonna shit regardless and if i do it in secret i'm gonna look like the weird pussy who stunk up the the room and was like too anxious to like be open about it so i'd be extra

open it's it's a thing yeah i think so i'm not making this up at all. I think it's more of a thing in like the animal community. Yeah. But like if you have like a girl come to visit you out of town. This was in my past. Okay. So you, you, you deaded this, this practice. Been dead. Okay.

Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. I don't do it anymore at all. I just, I just can't believe like, dude, that's what you got to have balls to just like walk in. It's insane balls that it takes. Yeah. That's like, that's like an extreme sport.

Yeah. That's like adrenaline junkie type shit. Yeah. It was to mask my own insecurities. How was that? How in any way, shape or form are you insecure? Because I am.

I'm like, I'm going to come across as awkward. Shitting is the most vulnerable a man can be. I'm always nervous in front of interacting with girls. So I'm going to just get out in front of it. And shit in front of them. It's like the ultimate break that ice. I'm even impressed if I'm at a party and a dude's like, I'm going to go take a shit. I'm just like, whoa.

Yeah, that's exciting. Confident guy guy this is an unbelievable level of confidence so you're it's basically what you're doing is exposure therapy you're doing like the worst possible most awkward i always do it so you can't see my dick but i think the dicks are always the biggest when you're shitting the soft wise yeah true yeah because you're relaxing your anus yes right it's drooping down a little bit more. I think. Yeah. It's like the opposite of workout dick because you're clenching your ass when you work out. That's why your workout is your dick smaller when you work out. Oh yeah. Workout dicks for real. Is that true? I've never tested. You don't have to test. You can just feel. Yeah. You can just feel when your dick is smaller. Oh yeah. So you think you could be down to the centimeter

of the size of your dick right now? Uh,? Probably not because I've never measured my penis and I never will. Why? There's just certain things that shouldn't be known. Yeah, because it's not getting any bigger. Yeah, exactly. So it's like if any circumstance, it's just not going to make me... If you know, then it's weird to be like, I have this big of a penis. And then if you don't like the result, then it's just going to bother you the rest of your life.

But what if it's bigger than you think? It's not going to happen. it's just going to bother you the rest of your life. But what if it's bigger than you think? It's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. I've been under like page seven of Google to like find research studies from soul or like, you know, like Kyoto. Dude, I don't actually like Pokemon. I'm just trying to get my ass over there so I can just be like Mr. Average Dick. Yeah.

Damn. Yeah. Yeah. You wanted to play in an easier, in an easier Mr. Average Dick. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. You want to play in an easier league. It's not even – yeah, I just need to be around my peers, my dick peers. Your dick peers. Imagine if they like organized society by dick size. That's the next Hunger Games, dude. Yeah.

Yeah, you're in District 4 and it's by inches. Oh, shit. Dude, District eight is just Africa yeah Liam Hemsworth that's why he was in district 12 yeah my god slinging it yeah okay I guess I was

I still have a couple more Tony Hawk lands the world's first 900 at X Games San Francisco unfortunately this overshadowed another extreme award as jenna same jameson took home the award for most extreme gangbang at the x fame awards show by having sex with 900 people in one session so is this true no i made up okay no tony hawk never did the 900 oh okay yeah dude the 900 was the most underwhelming video i've ever seen he also he also hand dragged no he didn't he hand dragged in the first one it still counts as

landing it depends on who you ask man it's a content it's very contentious last 900 yeah where he's like sad it was very sad it was just yeah for doing something incredibly cool it was sad to see an old man because he knew like that was his last yeah you know when it's your last like thing like that you could tell when it's your last yeah it's like that i just picture in that video him being like man you just know it's just so sad when you land your last 900 everyone's like what yeah okay yeah i feel terrible for you tony hawk um what else do i have oh yeah wilt chamberlain passed away at the young age of 63 in Los Angeles. Many people remember him for his achievements as a basketball player, but his lasting memory will be his claim of sleeping with over 20,000 women. This record would not be broken until 2004 when Nick's straight ass dad had sex with the entire population of West Virginia. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's what? 1.1 mil. Yeah. One point. My dad is fucked. Well, half of them are men. So 500,000. Yes. My dad fucked 500,000 dudes.

I don't even know if I've had five. I don't know if I've had 20,000 boners. That's a great question. Actually, I always was hoping I definitely haven't. It's hard to quantify. No, I definitely have not i was talking to one of my friends years ago and we were talking about heaven and randomly i just had this thought where i was like dude i hope that like you know when you beat a story mode game yeah and it shows you like your stats on like how many bullets you fired or how many you want to know enemies i want to just get raw stats on my life like how many times you want that but you don't want to know the size of your dick i don't yeah no no no no keep that save that save that 1.8 a day for your entire life no no how do you get so they count half chub for my entire life so that's like six years yes you

got a lot more boners than you think, dog. Divide it by 20,000 by three. Divide it by 365. No. The math checks out. 1.8. No. We've lived way more than 20,000 days. You've only lived 11,000. Yeah, but I wasn't getting baby boners.

20,000 is six years. Call those uppies. I would guess. Six years, and say you get a boner every three days which is pretty rare wait have you ever had a bonerless day from like yeah like from yeah so we're getting boners wait from 15 on have you ever had a bonerless day uh when i had the impetigo that rendered my mouth sewn shut i don't i definitely didn't get hard 9-11 9-11 i wrote a sketch for 9-11 about a guy because like you were talking about like a very like uh um oblivious like janitor who was like had headphones on like waxing the floors of the south tower yeah i think it'd be funnier if it

was somebody in like a massage chair in the south tower. Yes. And they're like, they're like, Oh my God, like this thing is, this thing is fucking good. And then he like looks down, it's unplugged. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh fuck. Uh, my last one, the fear of Y2K has taken over the world. The theory is that all computers in the world would not be able to process the two and zero once the clock strikes midnight on the new year. As a failsafe, programmers began giving computers Adderall to help with their dyslexia. Very good. Very good. That was a weird time because I went to a party and we had to unplug all of our electronics before we went to the party. My parents were very afraid of Y2K. I don't remember. I did a sleepover at my friend's

house, I remember, during Y2K and I had a terrible nightmare where there were robot spiders on the ceiling. It's like one of those really vivid fucking nightmares you get as a kid. And I remember thinking, this is Y2K. They're hacking into my brain, like Matrix style. Spiders might be the number one animal

that's turned into a robot. Yeah. In cinema. In in cinema where else would they be my real life was fucking way off yeah you were way off with that man wait you said only live 10 000 you said 20 000 days is six years dude i was thinking like six times 365 is like 20 000 and it's just inaccurate you're i can't help with this at all i can't do mental math you thought you were 5 12 yeah i can't yeah i can't just forgot about real life yeah if there was not movies where else could these things be where else could they exist i guess video games here yeah but i think spiders are probably the most roboticized animal yeah they love doing that darth maul became

a spider yeah that was sick It was super fucking tight. I hope that they bring that back. They haven't. They did in the comic books and everything else, but not the mainstream. This is good that we can talk about this. Kyle's going to be freaking out. Why? Do you not like spiders? Or Darth Maul? You don't like Darth Maul? I guess both. Yeah, snakes,

spiders. Yeah, I would fuck with a snake way before I fuck with a spider. Did you just say you have a crazy darth maul story come here wait is it gonna be like you like just saying what he did in the movie which is pretty crazy okay you have an experience with darth maul no yo so there was this like uh whatever the fuck it's called like the a place where a bunch of soccer fields and like basketball courts are in a town like a sportsplex yeah yeah exactly and the dude's name who owned it he legally changed it to darth maul and got like the red eyes and shit all that stuff and then uh his wedding i've never seen the video people have like know the guy i've seen the video made everybody in the wedding like dress up as

star wars characters so his like uh groomsmanship were like stormtroopers and like the bridesmaids were all like the princesses and stuff but he if you call it like i don't know his real government name everyone just called him darth like i swear to god that's weird as fuck oh my god i'm trying to find him that kind of rules though dude that's like that kind of rules i like when people go all in on something that they really fuck with. Man. Even if it's nerdy. Not that. No. I think that's kind of cool.

Not that. What character would you be? If I had to be a character? Yeah. I'd be Auto Rocket, dude. Who's that? Rocket Power. He thought he did a 900, but he got hit by the tennis ball coming out of a lawnmower

and it hit him to do the one last rotation. I feel like they could have written it into the script that he did do it. Yeah, it was a cartoon. I don't think they were bound by anything. It's not reality. I'd still count it. You want me to get that off you? No, I'm good. It's going all the way down your back. Alright.

You have psoriasis. Kyle, why don't you hit us with your all eras? All eras. On this day, four years ago. Wait, never Okay. On this day, four years ago. Wait, never mind. On this day, four days ago. Oh, wait. San Diego.

That can't be this day, then. On this day, four days. You can't say that. Yeah, yeah. You just have to say four days ago. You can't say. Yeah, you can. You can.

You say on this day, four years ago. You're talking about today. Yeah. Minus four years. On this day. It's the same day. October 19th. On this day day four years ago you're talking about today yeah minus four years on this day the same day october day four days ago that's not how it works it's like a double it's like a double negative wait dude no are you serious for it yeah it doesn't it doesn't sound like i'm doing it today in history you're not okay on, you can do it. On this day four days ago, I'm getting pissed. On this day four days ago, the San Diego Padres clinched their first NLCS trip since 1998 with series win over Dodgers.

The pods came back from three to zero to upset the Dodgers 5-3 and clinch the series. 5-3. Uch the series. 5-3, upset for the pods. Been there, done that. It's me. I did that first. Oh, my God. Today, on this day one year ago, October 19th, 2021. There we go.

Trump loyalist Steve Bannon was convicted for contempt of Congress and subsequently arraigned for insider knowledge of the January 6th attack on the Capitol. Arraigned man for Capitol knowledge? Oh, boy. Oh, no. Frank and the Frankettes already did that when they signed autistic dwarf KB, no swag to their trivia team. Steve Bannon is the reason I got my only ban on Twitter.

What? Yeah. He inspired me to get banned. He, uh, there was like this really funny page six article and it's a picture of him walking out of some some like recording studio looking like so why was he in his recording studio because he does um he does like radio shit oh oh no he wasn't doing an album i thought he was

yeah i would love to listen to that but he uh and then the headline said steve band and band from twitter for threatening to decapitate fauci oh yeah and i read that and i was like that is fucking like cool like just that's a cool reason to be banned for like decapitating so i quote tweeted it and i was like i'm sick of being the good guy i'm sick of being like walk the straight and narrow i want to get banned i want to be a bad boy i want to decapitate oprah and then i added twitter and it just like insta-banned me to work. Yeah, that'll work. Yeah. So shout out Steve Bannon. He was my muse for a day. Do you think more people get decapitated in the Middle East

or at like state fairs on roller coasters? Probably. I think they're still doing that around the clock. In the Middle East? Yes. They're still doing that a lot? I thought it was just like every once in a while for a message. Yeah, I think it's a good message. And in Africa. Really?

I think all non-developing countries are doing that. District 8. I don't understand. Whenever they do capital punishment in the States, they have all these fancy ways of killing people with the electric chair or poison, and it always

goes wrong. Why don't you just chop the dude's's head off it's quick and easy like guillotine that has like a zero percent fail rate or shoot him in the head before or shoot him in the head i think their last meal should just be something they're allergic to or if they start choking on it like what's the the moral, what there's, that's a quandary. It is a quandary. Yeah. Like if the person, slow down, buddy. Or you give them like the word, like you give them a crime that is like a way of dying that is like the fit to their crime. I was trying to write a, a comedy movie about a guy who wanted to die.

It's not, did I ever talk about this? Yeah. Okay. I didn't think it was a comedy though. Yeah. Sounds funny. I talked about it before. So,

uh, no need to rehash that. It's a good plot. It's a damn good plot. Um, you know, else is a good drink. Kyle Soko commercial.

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That's my kind of whiskey. That's my kind of whiskey that's my kind of whiskey click the link in the description to see more cool stuff from soco that's the link in the description uh continue kyle kanye's in the news yeah he's always getting in feuds and controversies. Little lighthearted one happened today, one year ago as well. What was it? Something Peppa Pig trolls Kanye West on Twitter over mediocre pitchfork review in response to Kanye West's album Donda receiving a 6.0 rating. Peppa Pig, who received a 6.5 rating on Peppa's Adventures, the album, tweeted, Peppa didn't need to host listening parties

in Mercedes-Benz Stadium to get that.5 to Kanye West. It's all jokes until the grown social media guru pretending to be a cartoon kitty pig has his real persona leaked exclaimed yay in response to Peppa Pig exposing him exclaimed yay in response to Peppa Pig

exposing him something I would do because I have a cuckold fantasy for anthropomorphic cartoon piglets I would want I would want to get fucked by a piglet. You're roasting yourself right now. Yeah.

Do you want? Yeah. Okay. I like that one. On this day in history, 1953, Willie Thrower becomes the first black NFL quarterback in modern times, whatever that means. It means not white.

No, I think you meant the time. In modern times. that means it means not white no i think you meant the time modern time oh um 1953 according to wikipedia this is on his wikipedia thrower was known as mitts because of his large hands and arm strength as he was known to toss a football 70 yards damn thrower was known as mitts for his arm strength and his ability to throw a football 70 yards thrower his name was thrower and they called him mitts um should we be getting this i just think he they should have stuck with the name Thrower and called him that. That's what he was doing. Now they're like lauding his hand size. He could throw a football 70 yards and they're like, let's change up his name. Thrower. I agree.

I have to agree. I have to agree. Thrower is a cooler nickname than Thrower Mitz. They didn't have to give him a nickname. His last name, his government surname was Thrower. And they're like, let's call him Mitz. They didn't have to give him a nickname. His last name, his government surname was Thrower. And they were like, let's call him Mitz. I can't believe that. They could have

just called him Thrower. They were calling him Mitz. Not because he can catch the ball, because he has big hands and can toss it far. What else? That one angered you, dude. Yeah.

On this day two years ago, just weeks before the 2020 election, the Trump administration ended healthcare.gov in the swing state of Georgia. The website was the face of Obamacare, the online marketplace where millions of Americans signed up for health insurance. The decision was met with backlash, with the left arguing that under Obama, it was much easier for people from Georgia to get health insurance and ultimately receive critical medical care. The Trump administration agreed, stating that when Obama became president, it was easier than ever to go from G.A. to the E.R. I like it.

You have the longest jokes ever. Yeah. I like it how you build suspense. Yeah, he does. I don't know when it's going to hit. And I have no idea ever what his punchline is going to be about. Yeah. Mine were all just full house, dude. Yeah. he does. I don't know when it's going to hit, and I have no idea ever what his punchline is going to be about. Yeah. Mine were all just full house, dude.

Kudos to you, Kyle. Good job, Kyle. On this day in 1986, the first Mexican Grand Prix since 1970 ended with legendary driver Gerard Berger claiming his first F1 victory. It wasn't his first title... It was his first... It wasn't his first title It was his first

It wasn't his last title recorded What you got? I don't even want to finish. You have to. It wasn't his last title recorded as Berger's career culminated with 10 Grand Prix wins and 14 seasons of competing. It wasn't his first title recorded as Berger's career.

Culminated with 10 Grand Prix wins. Wasn't his first title recorded as Berger's career. Recorded as Berger's career. That seems like what Barstow is doing with me. As a podcast. As Berger's career. As a podcast. That was good. That was good, man.

On this day in 1731, James Watt invented the steam engine. Only to be later outshined by Thomas Edison, who invented the light bulb. I can't help but think James Watt should have invented the light bulb instead. You already spoiled that one, man. James Watt, he should have invented the light bulb, if anything.

I feel like that's an easier thing to invent than the steam engine anyway. I feel like inventing a easier thing to invent than the steam engine anyway I feel like inventing a steam engine would take lots of lots of trial and error and ingenuity light bulb is much simpler of an

invention than the steam engine yeah I don't know about that like I still don't know how electricity works yeah you're right steam engine looks and sounds it's just steam that's powering what is a steam engine

it's like when you're shoveling coal I was picturing a train an engine uses miniature explosions to move pistons so how much would say like a what adjust it for inflation a modern or one right now how much would a steam engine cost let me just do that figure that out real quick probably thousands millions not millions dude i wanted to get a steam engine right now why they're not even making it would cost more than more than $3 That's the light bulb So you're comparing price

I think That's a good angle Also Edison The WOD is named after him So he may have been involved It may but he was involved He got like writing credits It was just like

It was named after him So why? I don't know. Because I guess the, I mean the steam, I don't know, just another engineer. Some credit. Edison kind of does sound like engine too. It would have been cooler if his name was Thomas Engine. In the sense that it begins with an E?

Yeah. And there's an I in the middle. Phonetically, Edison Engine and Engine. Yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah. That's why it's Thomas the Tank Engine and engine. Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. That's why it's

Thomas the tank engine. Exactly. Fun fact. Is that all you got for us? Thank you. One more.

No, you have one more. Read it. Read it. Read it. The boy's smirking. Read it. I don't.

Come on. I don't. Just read the punchline. No. Come on. Are you saving it for next week yeah i can do that um what are we getting into just one quick blurb uh i was at dinner with maresh yesterday and we got these fries with a i got bullied i got bullied unintentionally at a harry trivia night, but go on. What the hell?

What the fuck, dude? Yeah, you just, you absolutely just dunked on him. That's tough to follow. Mine's just something. No, I just got, I tried to be cool and give some. You try to be cool at a. I tried to be nice and it backfired. I got this guide.

Somebody said this guy? How would you turn it on? I went to the Chelsea Bell bar after work. And I didn't realize that a Harry Potter trivia night was going on. And they got to the first question. It was like, what was Tong's first name? So I was like, I just Googled it. It was like Nostradamus.

Nymphadora or something? And as I was leaving, I told the table nearest the door, I whispered like Nymphadon. And they were just like, this guy. That hurts. So they didn't like the fact that you were helping them cheat. It looked like they were struggling to find the answer. I thought they would appreciate that. Yeah.

That sucks. They're going to a Harry Potter trivia trivia night they're going to know that one is it that easy i didn't know that one it was like the first question so yeah i didn't know that one at all and i i fuck with harry potter i had read and i don't fuck with harry potter okay why why yeah because it sucks i wouldn't say it sucks dude no why did you know a bad take i read them okay so you finished the books and didn't like the series or like once i start a series i have to i have to i have to finish you're a completionist true i thought no i was a kid i enjoyed him as a kid but now like watching the movies i could only make it to the third it was yeah i mean you have

but it's four kids. I like it for the vibe. I like anything that has a theme song. That's, like, my big thing. So you like every piece of media? No, but it has to be a certain one. Besides 60 Minutes. That's the only thing that he can't watch. No theme song, just a tick?

This shit sucks. Like, anything with a theme song? Not anything, but I tend to like things that have a cool jingle. Fair. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I like the British cozy vibe. I like the aesthetic.

I don't think it's cozy. I think it's cold and damp. Yeah, but that to me is still an aesthetic. It always looks uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah, cloaks look hella uncomfortable. No way. Dude, he looked like he wanted to kill himself earlier in his cloak.

Yeah. Yeah. uncomfortable no way dude he looked like he wanted to kill himself earlier in his cloak yeah yeah and that was unnecessary but those are if it was cold out and i had a big thick cloak made of like griffin what's griffin it's like the the lion eagle that can fly oh i see what you're saying it's made out of their feathers you're saying i don't fucking know dude seaton hill they're the griffins are they so what dude. Seton Hill. They're the Griffins. Are they? So what's Seton Hall? Pirates. Yeah, they're the pirates. I don't like that logo. So Maresh ordered these french fries and he got garlic aioli and he dipped it

and I think he was going to say gas and try to combine it with another word. He's like, dude, you gotta eat this. It tastes so gay. I was like, what? And I already had one in my mouth and I was like, dude, this shit tastes so gay. I was like, what? I already had one in my mouth and I was like, dude, this shit tastes so gay. You gotta try it. I'm picturing

now like Guy Fieri saying that on like Diners, Drive-Ins and guys, brother, this is gay. This tastes super gay. I will say, I don't think it tastes gay. It is, aioli is gay. It's 80% vows. Yeah. That's just, that's gay as hell. Yeah. A lot is gay. It's 80 percent vowels. Yeah, that's just that's gay as hell. Yeah.

A lot of vowels is inherently homosexual. Well, consonant. That's that. Consonants are consonant. I'll be real. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what a consonant is still a non vowel.

OK, I got it. So like a B, I was not good at grammar, not good at grammar. You didn't know what a consonant was. No, I just did that thing where like I'm going to be this podcast is going to be so good for you, man. I was not good at grammar. Not good at grammar. You didn't know what a consonant was. No. I just did that thing where like. This is going to be. This podcast is going to be so good for you, man. It's going to be. I have like very like tertiary knowledge of things where I know like what they aren't.

And then I can. I know what a consonant isn't. Yeah. Like this isn't a consonant. Yeah. Or this. This isn't. Or I know how to like insert in conversation where it seems like I know.

But growing up, I had a lot of tough instances where I would say things that were just completely inaccurate. And I would just slot them in places where I thought they would fit. It was really rough. Yeah, it's tough. Yeah. If you were chubby, probably wouldn't be here. No, yeah, no. On Earth.

Yeah, probably not. Yeah. If you were slightly chubby. Slightly chubby. Like a little full over the fucking. Like husky. Yeah, husky slightly like a little full like husky husky boy I had to wear husky stuff when I was growing up chubby I was husky

but that was just like I was about to hit a hella growth spurt now you're stringy like a string bean not quite you're pretty stringy a little bit I'm not like lanky you are Tyler's lanky he's further along on the lanky spectrum but you're on'm not like lanky you are tyler's lanky i was like he's further along on the lanky spectrum but you're on the spectrum of lanky i'm leggy don't don't get me wrong

my lanky hell no um we got into a little bit of a tiff over whether or not um hypothetical for the boys yeah if i If I shit in a jar. Okay. Clean turd, nothing else. Mm-hmm. Regular, healthy S shape. That's the shape it should be. If it's ribbon shaped, go to the doctor.

Um, curly. Um. No, you're going to get no pushback on that, brother. Okay. Um, you seemed a little concerned. I'm not shitting curly. I was picturing like i thought you meant like in a knot i i i had i had ribbon shaped uh uh poop once and i went to the doctor

shit curse it what do they say what do they say um so it's it's like there's some sort of blockage i was just very impacted does that mean there's like a there's dried up okay yeah I was not drinking enough water. So you shit in a jar and you let it dry out completely. It loses its stink, obviously. It does? Yeah, dude. But you were saying that you put it in a jar. That extends the life of it.

I had to sell you on that. No, I would know it would lose its stink. You find an old dog turd and you pick it up like it's your pet. You're cleaning up after your dog. You shit down in the guest room. I haven't seen it. It's not stinky.

It would lose its odor in probably two days. No, I disagree completely. You're saying in a closed jar. No, it's just a jar just open jar. You let it just dry out in there. I guess you're right. If it's an open jar, I let it just dry out in there. So I guess you're right. If it's an open jar, I think it would eventually, I think the word's petrify.

You need to petrify. I think it would just dry up. That's what petrify means. Well, it would dry up. The bacteria causing the odor would die, rendering it scentless. Sure. But then if I spritz it or dunk it in water, and so now it looks like a brand new turd, fresh off the lot, would it stink?

Or would you have a wet, stinkless turd? I think it would just look like it's stunk. I don't think it would stink. I think it would get its stink back. As long as you sprayed it how often. It doesn't matter. No, you dunk it in water and pull it back out. So it looks like a brand new turd.

And you would retain its odor. I think it would come back. Its formidable odor. You don't. So. I know. turd and you would retain its odor i think it would come back formidable odor you don't so i know this what is the water doing it's feeding reactivating it no the bacteria is dead it's a turd yeah i think that it's old food that came out of your ass that's it is the the the bacteria the bacterium is coming to life. It's a turd.

It's still there. It's still brown. It's still old food. You're just dunking it in water. Yes. It's not a plant. Just make it smell. It's going to reactivate it.

Yeah, it is. It's still it's still organic, though. So like as long as there is a turd still there, there is something for the water to feed and react to. I'm in Nick's camp on this one. I don't think, and I'm strong. I'm strong on this one. Agreed. I'm confident. Okay, so this is a win-win for me. Water is also scentless. If you

were spraying it with... Water is merely an activator. If you were spraying it with... It's a conduit. Like cream soda, it would smell awful. It would just smell like cream soda. And shit. And shit.

Yeah, but now you're just straw manning us. We never said that. So next week we're doing a fictional cruise, but I kind of want to do a science fair next week. Because... That would be fun. A turd that has been dunked in cream soda and a turd that's been tucked in water yes you think the cream soda would smell worse the although the one dunked in water will not smell one iota so i hope you're right i hope

to god you're right the one sprayed with cream soda you know what i'm like the a and w the darker i know exactly what you're talking about. Not an orange, not a Stewart's orange. The big difference is a dunk versus spray. No, a dunk. A dark, a cream a creamy dark soda. Yes, I

know what cream soda is. On the turd. That it would it would smell awful. It would smell way better than the water no it would at least have a scent of cream i would love to test and cream soda is one of the most flavorful aromatic sodas scent wise once it was sprayed onto the shit regardless of the shit's odor it wouldn't reactivate any of its odor of the shit's odor but the cream soda would just be um accentuated no i think it would almost do more harm it might it might break the the the carbonation might break

apart the dry turd it could dissolve it it could kill it but no i i hope to god you're right i don't think you are i think the turtle stink if you didn't dump it back in water. But you said sprayed. I said a quick dunk in water. Tap. Sure. No. Still no. Still no.

Why did tap matter? You think distilled would do something? You're like going to a pond. That's cheating. Because ponds are stinky. Yes. So you think we could have a turd that looks brand new but completely scentless so you have to 48 hours because that's the best first off of like leaving a fresh turd just like that

can't be a turd it has no smell it smells like cream yeah it can't be a turd it smells like no people would be disgusted by that but that is funny so but you think we could we have dude it's as long as the turd is still there it could stink i don't think i think it would lose it i under 48 hours it would lose its own i'm not even trying to be gross i want to do it out of pure curiosity have you ever gotten poop cupped what's that no nobody knows what a poop cup is no i think i can deduce yeah you can figure it out but basically my friends at college uh in their house if someone pissed them off they'd poop cup them they take a shit into a solo cup and hide it in the room oh and then it would just, shit out of water smells so bad. It's insane how much it masks it.

Water helps a lot. And like other like... Some toilets are like low flow where the turd kind of sits on that ledge. Changes everything. Would you shit in front of a girl if you had a low flow toilet? It's not the stink that bothers me. I'm now picturing you going into a party and being like shitting in a jar in a girl's bathroom

while she's in there and being like, hold on, I gotta prove someone wrong. Whose shit are we gonna use? Rudy's? Someone down the middle. Jake's, Rudy's. Yeah, we'll use Jake's shit. What does down the middle mean? You know.

Mine would be gross. Mine would be like a beige cube yeah i think the whiteless beige cube i've been i've been i haven't been very healthy lately so i think the malicek is probably the better option i look you look like a man with a healthy log will you shit in two jars yeah keep them in your apartment do i have to open them up though yeah it has to dry out you can put them in the sill as long as a rapscallion boy doesn't come steal it i don't have windows you don't have windows talk in the mic sorry uh yeah i live on the ground floor and i can't open my windows you can't open your windows at all no that has

to be illegal well i one of them has an ac unit in it and the other one uh stares at the street so i like do you have a little private area where you could put the jars outside oh but rain it's been raining a lot. That is a problem. I can just put it in the bathroom. I forgot about bugs. I'll do it. Will you do it?

Yeah, I'll do it. You promise. Yeah. For next week. Yeah. First, I want to see how,

how long until it loses its odor. If it does, it does. Well, if it just never goes away, my apartment, once it does, and if anybody gets it to the day,

we will send an anus care package. We're actually good about sending those out too. We sent one to a fucking England. Yeah, we will send an anus care package. We're actually good about sending those out, too. We sent one to fucking England. Yeah, we did. Ireland. Oh, God. Maybe. Maybe.

OK. I will say in high school, we had some guys that would do jankum. Oh, yeah. And like their rooms weren't stinky. So I'm not. Jankum is a jar of shit and piss that like the Amish huff. Yeah. Oh, God.

A drug of of some people's choice. But I am all poop in a cup. You have two turds, two jars, and then dry it out. I don't want to handle it, though. You would keep it. Will you dunk it in the cream?

Oh, I have to do this all in my apartment? No, we'll do the experiment here. We'll have to blur it. Oh yeah, sure. I'll bring it in. Only bring it in when it's scentless. Turds will become scentless. eventually yes that's understood actually i'm leaving this weekend so i can just do it this weekend and come back yeah that'd be great yes cool yeah that'd be awesome um before we get into one more thing um also owen before we left just uh oh god we just got an email about better help. We have not been reading the mandatory disclaimer on it.

Oh, um, yeah. Next week. So go home and shit today, Jake. But he has to do too, right? He has to do too. But like twice, not like, Oh no, no, no. I don't think because the turds could be two different things i think he should split the one turd in half

exactly yeah yeah you want to use the same sample okay cool um bisect it evenly yeah um our last sponsor is one i really like ridge Ridge Wallet. Check this out. Yeah. I've been using it. I got the – they're at our desk. They're tactical. Dude. Look at that. This is my keys.

That's a wallet? No, these are my keys. It's like a switchblade, though. It's so convenient to have all my keys. So that's a pocket knife. Up to six keys. I really fuck with it because I need something to fiddle with, and on the train, it's kind of intimidating, kind of cool, kind of sexy. Yeah. Actually, yeah. When did I start liking sponsors? When with and on the train. It's kind of intimidating, kind of cool, kind of sexy. Yeah.

Actually, yeah. When did I start liking sponsors? When we got Ridge Wallet. Ridge Wallet's dope. You guys can go get this or the wallet at their website that they didn't say. Go check out their site. Perfect gift. That's a gift for any man. Use Colton Code Untold.

Halloween's coming up. Thanksgiving's coming up. I got my dad one of these for halloween he's gonna be excited uh use code untold u-n-t-o-l-d for 10 off fiddle with that feel how feel the heft um i want to end today with a mook update so mook you are full-time here, full-time freelance here. Yes, sir. Congrats. Thank you. Are your parents happy about it? My parents still don't know that I've been commuting to New York for the past month.

You don't live with them anymore, right? No, no, no. Okay. They're busy. But you're here every single day now. Monday through Wednesday or Thursday, yes. Yeah. And they don't know.

Why? Why don't you tell them? This is kind of a big deal. I'm scared, dude. Hey, mom, I'm going to work for the Anus podcast. Yeah. You don't have to say it like that. I'm working for a very large digital media company.

No, and they love Barstool too, but like, I don't know, they like paid for my college and all that shit, and now it's like, oh, I'm actually just going to like chalk accounting. Well, because he has not told his parents he does comedy. It is hard to tell your parents you are a clown. Yeah. Well, shit, I guess so. Look at his hair! They made him that way. It's true. They did.

But yeah, I haven't told them. I think I'm going to this weekend. Maybe Mondayay planning these things is always good yeah uh it never goes well like planning to quit my job didn't go well um yeah it did not but these are your parents they can't fire you they can't they can they can what's it called when you drop a kid dis Disowned. You're 25. 26. My bad.

Yeah, yeah. Are you still relying on them, like financially dependent? No. Okay, so you need to know, A, if you care about them, it'd be much worse to not let them know at all than to let them know something that they might view unfavorably. What happens if you're out at dinner with them and somebody just comes up and goes like, That would be awesome, honestly. That'd be sick. That's how you'd want to break it why don't you tell them right now but be you can't be all right not right now this is your career they can't they don't have you on uh do they know you've ever done stand up yeah they think i do it as like a hobby like a like a thursday night what about when you're traveling weren't you just in

austin texas yeah do you not tell them you're in texeren't you just in Austin, Texas? Yeah. Do you not tell them you're in Texas? I'm just in Texas. Yeah. I don't know. You just say you're in Texas? Yeah, I'm just going to Texas. You're just in general Texas? That's way weirder than that.

That is way weirder. I'm not doing a comedy show. I mean, look, I don't really have a perfect excuse here as to why I haven't. It's just like a... You've almost waited too long. No one has ever been like,

hey, I'm in Texas. It's just like a... You've almost waited too long. No one has ever been like, hey, I'm in Texas. It's the size of like... Uganda. When you tell them you're in Texas, do they ask why? I'm visiting friends. Every time? Pretty much, yeah. Do they ask what friends? College buddies.

I just feel like you're spinning a web that's harder to get out of. You gotta tackle this. And you know everything that we talk about if it's somebody outside of this room it gets back to them somehow yeah I'm just bad at like addressing a problem and then like it's not a problem though like in front you got a you got a pretty cool job man I know I'm stoked to be here yeah yeah my mom is always asking about you really also didn't like that I said I believe in a higher power instead of specifying that it's the one true God that I believe in. That was 20 minutes.

Wait, really? Yeah. Do you have any texts? It was a phone call. She went through the list of every little thing that I said and forgot about. Oh, no. Wait, she got mad that you just said higher power? And you even like stopped yourself there

yeah and i have to explain i know i've like listened to anything else i say like it's not serious yeah but yeah see that's a real problem do we need to put out a do you need to like uh officially state no i had to say yeah i said i'm monotheistic and I do believe if there is a higher power, it is, or I do believe in a higher power and I believe that it's probably someone referred,

like God, who I perceive as God. And that was not good enough for her? No. God, no, dude. I'm not getting communion. I'm not going to confession. It's like,

they're all mortal sins. Ah, shit. Really? Yes. So your mom, does your mom think you're going to hell? That's, I don't? I don't know.

Call her and ask her. At one point, I'm like, dude, I'm 30. Like, lay off. Lay off. On the other hand, I'm like, I don't want my mom to, like, stay up at night thinking I'm going to hell. It's a conundrum. They're truly believing I'm going to hell. So why don't you start going to church and stuff?

I'll go with you. There has to be a better option. I don't know. Mook will lie to your mom and say you're going to church. Yeah, I could do that. With college buds. Just say you're going to Texas. Generally.

Dude, she has to. I'm going to Texas. That's like I'm going to Texas. Generally. Dude, she has to. I'm going to. They're like, that's that's like I'm going out west. Yeah, that's like how they did in the 1800s. You just like generalize a part of the globe. But like, they don't know you're not at this accounting firm anymore, right? They have no idea that I. Oh, you almost got hired by you got headhunted by another place already. I'm getting headhunted like every day for accounting for accounting jobs yeah so i guess word doesn't strap travel that fast and it's not that tight

knit of a community i made no waves zero waves no waves nary awake damn don't know what it's like welcome to my simple plan I don't know that song. Welcome to my. Simple Plan. Life ain't shit but a fat vagina. Oh, no. You don't know what it's like. He mashed it up. Welcome to my life ain't shit but a fat vagina. Is that a real mashup? I'm making it.

Okay. You don't know what it's like. Welcome to my life ain't shit. There's a better transition than a new production. I've never seen an acapella mashup before. Yeah, that's a new wave. That's a better transition. I've never seen an acapella mashup before. Yeah, that's a new wave. That's a new frontier. Dude, I'm getting lampooned

on Twitter for stealing a Bob Odenkirk bit. My audiobook joke. No way. Alright, the Waldo thing? Top tier. Dude, this was in a Bob Odenkirk special almost 20 years ago. It's in passing on a CD. Bob Odenkirk's fucking hilarious. And I'm glad it was a case of parallel thinking with him.

But it's a yeah, it's a very easy joked. And I'm right. It's not like I sucks and there's no way you can respond. Yeah. Seeming guilty. I'm going to say I made it first. You could be. Yeah.

I'm really bob took that from me i'm really bad at editing that's why it took it took me 20 years to make that tweet dude it took me so long to edit that i was impressed i had to download so much malware to my computer yeah i was impressed by how convincing you made it because i knew that wasn't easy to like have like the the graphic over it and then like the play button so i had to do that in photoshop but then like the time doesn't move on the bottom right and so it's just a photo and then i had to like do like this in browser because i don't i could put audio over videos but it has to be like a rectangle because i can only do it in imovie and so i had to go to like a photo photo like voice memo mashup app on my phone and then

like get the free trial that i'm not gonna cancel. But I've already deleted the app and I'm still my credit card info is in there. You want me to get you Premiere, baby? I have it. OK, why didn't you use it? Don't know how. Oh, the only time I used Premiere was to make our San Antonio vlog. And I just I just threw it all together. Yeah.

We have another vlog coming out. It's all of the deleted scenes and behind the scenes of every rediscovering america oh yeah we have a lot of extra footage yeah oh well it's not even deleted it's deleted scenes in the sense that labatt blue made us take them out x-rated yeah so the x-files i'm gonna be going through all of that it's gonna take a long ass time i think owen is still working on the video from the live show. Oh, yeah. We're not going to put out until we have legal clearance.

Yeah, that makes sense. That makes a lot of sense. And then we have a Rediscovering America with Mints coming out soon, I think. Maybe like next week. Yeah, next week, Rediscovering New Orleans. And then also Rediscovering Alaska. That's yeah. Still haven't put out.

Yeah. A lot of the stuff in the works. Um, how long have we been talking for today? Uh, about hour 15. It's our longest episode. Maybe ever next week. We're doing a fictional cruise for our Halloween episode.

We will all have five people that we, should we say it? No, cause I don't want to get, uh, I don't want to get bob odenkirked again and somebody have the same idea i had dude someone did that i did that too i said like a harry styles joke on one of the podcasts and so on told me like dan soda did that exact joke and i like went deep i went to like 2018 i let it really fuck on his twitter i feel like a thief and i found something that like found one tweet that someone else also tweeted and i was like wait i i'm gonna

like tweet at this guy that i went and looked at his profile for 20 minutes in three years yeah i had to stop myself and i was like in a phase like someone said i skipped leg day i was about to tweet him so you skipped face day and i'm sure it was printed yeah you just can't you just can't also it's annoying too where everyone loves to do the if you they think that you've stolen a joke it's like the fucking crusades oh yeah whereas like the the nucleus of tiktok is like we get our everyone stolen all the time everyone just does the same joke bad yeah every joke people are people are just re just doing the same video which is worse somehow that's i know that's what i'm saying it's like it doesn't make sense no

people will be weirded out like if it's like not already been done right that's not a trend that's what that yeah that's how they live yeah yeah so it's just a weird thing and they're the same all the same people so it's like why you guys like get your pitchforks out when someone has like parallel thinking it's bizarre to me oh i found an author named j.s scott she's a woman authoress and um she writes books all about secret billionaires they're these hunky secret billionaires non-fiction fiction okay um and so i'm actually assigning you guys all a novel to read oh fuck you have billionaire undercover hudson rudy you have billionaire unexpected jacks okay kyle you have billionaire unclaimed chase and i have the billionaire's obsession sign in wait can you say mine again billionaire unexpected jackson jacks jax by jb scott

well i don't understand the unexpected part i don't either so it's all billionaire and a u word pretty much okay when does this do um we're all i want you guys to download this they're all 499 she turns out so many undercover billionaire the title sound awful yes okay um you got that yeah i can do it i've been wanting to get back into reading. So this is what we're going to do. And I think, uh, I want to,

I want to recap because I want to see how similar they are. Cause she's put out like hundreds of books, billionaire unchallenged, billionaire unnoticed, billionaire unwed. It's, it's so many billionaire unbound. Is mine.

Jack's. You're Jack's. JX. I'll assign you a RL Steinin book is that goosebumps jelly jam is that goosebumps that's goosebumps yeah i'd be fine i would fuck with that i did my book report once on a choose your own adventure and i died like very quickly into it and my book report was like eight sentences rules and then i realized that for some reason our teachers liked if you left your book reports open-ended and so i just ended all my book reports with a question like who knows

what will happen next they fucking love yeah they do like that yeah i fucking hated book reports so you guys have to read malicek has to shit and bisect the shit and put it in a jar. And also fictional next week. Fictional cruise next week. Are we doing costumes? Yeah. I'll be honest, I just computed the fact that cruise didn't mean like a cruise ship. Sometimes, man, you just

you got man. Yeah. It's the same word. Yeah. Undeniably. Rudy comes in and he's just like, you know, Rudy, you have a fictional cruise. Yeah. It's going to go in the Atlantic. It's going to launch from Port St. Lucia. Is that in the Atlantic?

Yeah, it is. It's in the Bahamas. And it's going to anchor at Somalia. Now we need a realistic one dublin dublin that's your fictional cruise you tell us you give us the buffet you give us the uh entertainment yep uh the capacity and the model of the ship capacity model entertainment i'll go into entertainment like sub tiers like the comedian pricing for the rooms even yeah comedian and then like some of the packages maybe like you know some of the some of them have so you're going to bring us a fictional cruise I'll just do the whole thing

yeah I'll fill it out as I see fit it's fictional yeah that's right okay cool yeah all right one episode I said one we're way past that 314 to you