A New Untold Story - Wilson's Revenge feat. Danny Conrad - A New Untold Story: Ep. 378

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

Wilson's Revenge starring Chet Hanks in a Jamaican Accent. Ads: Factor - Head to https://FACTORMEALS.com/kb50 and use code kb50 to get 50% off. Be the Hoss - Go to bethehoss.com and use code "Barstool" for 20% off the whole store. Mando - Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code ANUS at https://shopmando.com! #mandopodYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Well, do you count the last review as a full episode? No, no, no. So are you on halves now or you just don't count at all? We started on episode like 140, so it doesn't work. We good? You want me to reject your reply to what I'm going to say?

No, you're just going to say like, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story old or told? What? No, baby. That's a new untold story. A new untold story. It's a fresh, big untold story. A new untold story episode 170 oh wait kyle just text me it's 178 cool um that bit stays alive alive. 3-7-8. Shit, I fucked it up. Too haunted. Welcome back. Kyle has COVID, but his

presence will still be felt on the episode today. Why? Did he send a check-in video, Mookie? Yes. Do we want to start? Yeah. Kyle always talks off the get. It's going to be like a regular episode. Kyle talks in the beginning and then just gets away. he thinks about scratching his ass he thinks about scratching his asshole

so you know what for the people watching uh kyle wasn't here for the people listening yeah kyle's here yeah um do you have that video yes all right and uh also hello danny conrad thanks oh danny conrad you look the closest to kyle in the office but you buy a lot you look a lot like kb i'm not trying to sit where he sat but i do get that a lot do you get kb yeah yeah have you ever played like ran with it there's been times where i'll be at like college football show and a fan will just come up like two inches from my face like jerry doesn't he, doesn't he look like KB? I'm like, hey, my name's Danny. It's the goatee.

It's the goatee. It's the goatee face. It's the pattern. Before we get into the KB video, today's episode is brought to you by Factor. Delicious, delicious Factor. It's a meal prep service. Fresh, never frozen. I think I took Wendy's tagline there.

Get started on your resolutions with Factor so you're ready for the new year. Factor's ready to eat meal delivery takes the stress out of meal planning and sets you up for success in the new year. Rudy, you've been having the butternut squash. I love butternut squash. Reed's been having the cocktail shrimp. And Danny's been fasting, but he has Factor in his freezer still. It has everything you need for the week. Flavorful.

I just saw a picture of Kyle's face. Flavorful, nutritious eats. I can't wait to see this. Oh, boy. Flavorful, nutritious eats. In addition, she's ready to eat meals. They have cold-pressed juices, smoothies, energy bites, protein, veggie sides, and more to keep energized during frantic times. Head to factormeals.com slash KB50 and use code KB50 for 50% off.

That's code KB50 at factormeals.com slash KB50 to get 50% off. They said Nick's name is too long for a promo code. It's not because he's in better shape and better for the brand. All right, Kyleyle what's up man woke up this morning and yep another sick day reach for a tissue and then it's time to start my daily puzzles and yeah i guess my brain isn't sick. Bath time. Bath time. I'm craving a Panera sandwich.

Is there autumn squash soup back? Yeah, that's going to be the move. This fool. Luckily, I got the refund and remembered I had Shrek soup in the fridge He looks like he's on a luxury vacation well he lives in a hotel he looks like he uh he looks like one of those guys that

are in turkey recovering from a hair transplant all right let's break this down can we just run it back yeah hold on i'm gonna tell you when to pause let's break this down yeah this is a lot to unpack here so first it's titled sick day update for anus podcast guys part one so i'm wondering if there's a part yeah already implied to be a part two no you guys don't know kyle at

all all right here we go woke up this morning and is that a what kind of thermometer is that does he have the ass one is that a rect Is that a rectal thermometer? No way. My boy went ass to mouth. I don't... What's... R-E-C-T-A-L? No, that's gotta be like a go-puff thermometer. Wait, is that a cat thermometer? Is it a cat thermometer?

This looks a lot like a rectal thermometer. The way the... Okay, let's keep going. The way it's brown, let's keep going. The way it's brown. Another sick day. Reach for a tissue, and then it's time to start my daily puzzles. And yeah, I guess my brain isn't sick.

Wait, pause it. Bath... Not bad. I got Wordle in five today. A daily crossword I got in 12, but with auto check on nine minutes in because I got frustrated. And I struck out on connections today.

I struck out on connections, failed the crossword, got the Wordle in three. He doesn't have his letter boxed up there though. So, okay, keep going. Bath time. Wait, hold on wait can you see his cock oh hold on does he toss wait wait what is that go a second wait wait wait what do we look is he wearing a bathing suit there were four legs yeah wait wait zoom in is he in a bathing suit

go one second longer though mook it might show more is he in a bathing suit go one second longer though Mook I might show more he's in a bathing suit he's wearing a bathing suit wait but go back is there like four arms there were four legs in the frame there oh it's a weird illusion what did he drop in there he had Epsom salt

bath time Epsom salt. Bath time. All right. He's a good editor. He's been sitting on that gong effect forever. Yeah. The lunchtime. He's been sitting on that gong effect forever. All right, run that back. So he pushes the cat out and he turns around and the cat's back in. That's crazy.

And here we go. I'm craving a Panera sandwich. Is there autumn squash soup back? Yeah, that's going to be the move. They dropped this full delivery to the completely wrong building. Also, straight up just docks himself. Because that, like, you can see that is his. He straight up, like, full body docks himself.

No, no, no, that's, oh, that. Yeah. Fuck off. No, don't blur it. He deserves this. Yes. He lives in a hotel, no, no. That's oh that. Yeah. Fuck. No, don't blur it. He deserves this. Yes. He lives in a hotel too. Yeah, it's a hotel.

Those are remarkably secure. Keep going. Yeah. Luckily, I got the refund. Wait, what did he get? Vegetarian autumn squash soup and the toasted frontega chicken. Okay.

The fuck is frontega? I don't know, but he also has COVID. He can't fucking taste all right i still don't know what it is you really did some good research there i can't believe you didn't get the answer had shrek soup in the fridge listen to his bubble sound effects did we google shrek's Let me Google Shrek soup. What is Shrek soup?

Wait, nothing was on that spoon. Wait, what's his mug say? Witch, please. I know what's going to happen. I'm going to call him and I'll be like, yo, what's Shrek soup? And he's going to be like, what do you think it is? Or something like that. He's not going to tell me.

You know he went to Spencer's for which, please, Mike? Oh, yeah. No, that's a TJ Maxx purchase. I got a thong there once. A TJ Maxx? Yeah I got a thong there once. A TJ Maxx? Yeah. Or expensive?

No, excuse me. A Norse Brack. Oh, really? For you or for... Hello. Yo, we just want... What's Shrek Soup, man? Hello?

Hey, man. It's Nick. What's Shrek Soup? It's a bunch of pestos and herbs and greenery. And that's what you call it? Shrek soup? Yeah, that's what it's called.

Was it pretty good? No, it's pretty good. But can you taste that you have COVID? A little bit. What kind of thermometer was that? Modern. uh a little bit what kind of thermometer was that um modern retro futuristic i don't know okay cool all right man i hope you feel better yeah i'll try yep all right peace definitely not an ass thermometer not an ass it's a retro modern

there is a second video there's a second video yeah oh no all right so he had a shrek soup he's feeling better it sounds he sounds better i don't know what this is cat room it's his fucking cat room. He's wasting an office in. All right, look at the pictures he has hanging up. Dude, that room is more put together than my whole apartment. Your entire apartment. But he just has her shut in there in the dark. There's the record that he finally took from Big Cat.

He has the cleaning supplies on one of the shelves. He set this up. Okay, so there's the supplies. Wait, and then he has Cat Dennings. Great choice. The biggest wheel I've ever seen. No food. Absolutely no food.

No food. Tube. The litter robot Carl Anthony Towns that's a black cat but what's it doing it looks like a old like alcohol ad yet straight absinthe the cat is drinking apps yeah okay just a black cat looks just like Piper. What is that one? Cats playing poker? Yeah, it is. And this is way more put together than his entire apartment. There's her blouses. Hi, Piper.

This is so cool. Yeah, it actually is. That cat's got a high rise. It's kind of pissing me off. That's more, it's more design than your apartment. It's just, it's just, I'm jealous. Do you still have boxes of hats and shoes when you walk in the door? I took care of that. Are they out of the box?

They are out of the box. The hats are on the floor. Cars, not on the ceiling yet. No, you're not putting cars on the ceiling. I'm putting cars on the ceiling. We were just about to start recording. And Rudy, you just said they come too fast in movies. And then I clapped to start recording.

And what do you mean? Um, I just was movie sex scenes early. Yeah. They, they bust mad quick. What's like a movie sex scene. What we know.

I'll never forget. No strings attached. Mad quick. Wait, does he bust fast in the nose? And I was thinking about Salper and when he, when he beats off Farley. Yeah. But that's so passionate that's like a compliment yeah but and then in dc you said it eight mile eight mile never forget that scene he was fucking

britney murphy and he came in no this is 15 seconds is this the scene is are they in the shower no the first one the first one in no strings attached is where he we might have to go to x hamster for that but i get it like listen first of all it's a movie you can't really like waste time on a 30 minute well have you seen the room because those are really long sex scenes can i say something that's probably not gonna be mutually agreed upon i most things you say and most everything i say i don't like sex scenes in movies i don't either because it's like i like you're it's just it's awkward is there a good one the titanic one where like she takes her hand and slides it down like the steamy window but that's not the best part the best

part is you see her her drawn titties right for sure but i think that's a good sex scene i think it's hot i think it's sexy yeah i would say that one's pretty good that one's pretty good yeah i don't know who does sex scenes they just come so fast it's the same as like how when someone's on uh the phone in a movie or show how it's like they'll never be able to hear everything they said after responding oh what was that okay yep yeah yeah they they ingest everything at the first time right they're like yeah wait you cut out all right let's see that i want this is the eight mile sex scene well this video may be inappropriate yeah it puts her down in a factory right yeah this guy reviewing it all right oh what's his name he's doing what we're doing hold on gerard d

battement of course he's reviewing the eight mile jizz card jizz card d batman The 8 Mile... Jizz Card? Jizz Card D. Batman. Jizz Card. His name is Jizz... Oh, sorry, bud. I'm going to have to revoke your Jizz Card. The channel name is Greatest Moments. The title of the video is 8 Mile's Sexiest Scene of All Time. They have sex in a automobile factory. And he's a Laserdisc devotee.

It's not even the sexiest scene from 8 Mile. Jizz card. Yeah, doesn't she cheat on him right before? Oh, he's looking for the best fuck spot. Oh, of course he's French. Wait, hold on. Back up, back up, back up. Did they green screen in a cat?

What? Where? In the background? No, in the background. Keep going back. Keep going back. Of Jizz card's interview? Is it Jizz card? Yeah, in the background. Keep going back. Keep going back. Of Jizz Card's interview? Is it Jizz Card?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, Jizz Card. Oh, I thought Nate Mile. No, no, no. Play it. If I'm wrong, cut this. Oh! Oh!

Well, yeah. That's a great... Yeah, there's also... The moon is like 12 inches away from the window. And the Eiffel Tower. Eagle Eye Rudy. This is a crazy green screen setup. But this guy loves... Alright, where does one of these go in?

Once you enter Murphy. Oh. Right there. This is kind of hot. It's very short, though. It's's rudy's point oh is it real short this scene has given me a boner before for real having pts boner right now pts you could just say it's still d oh you're so right yeah it is just ptsd post-traumatic Stressed dick Stiff Post Traumatic stiff dick He's doing well

Oh it's passionate though man Is it? They're standing up Yeah but look at the way she's looking at him Jizz card's loving it Notice the strokes Danny I want you to review sex scenes I want you to be the American sex scene reviewer Alright

And I want you to put one out with no context on your TikTok. There's Roan. Ron Chowder. Wait, he wrote it. I think this whole thing's parody. Yeah. And he, yeah. What is this?

Like he couldn't, they're green screening in a desk. Just go to a desk. That's one of the easier locations. I mean, that is Roan. Yeah. Did you see Stu thought Meek Phil was you Yeah He thought Meek Phil was me once

Yeah I mean Meek Phil's a dog so I'm kind of It's fine It's perfectly fine Shout out Meek Dude I got a horrible notification on my phone It's Chris Christie Dropped out of the presidential race. And he's not...

How many times? He's dropped out every single election race. But he's not the biggest guy I've ever seen. But if this makes sense, he's the fattest fucking... He's the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life. Yes. Have you seen him in the baseball uniform? It's visually striking.

It's unbelievable. I don't know if you can have a president that looks like that anymore. I don't know if you can have a president. Oh my god. Honestly, I'm going to be real. That's cool. He looks like a Voltorb. That's almost to the point where like...

Thanks, man. We need you on this show more. A Voltorb. It looks like a Voltorb. V-O-L-T-O-R-B. If you were to hold up an iPhone camera to that picture of Chris Christie, the little box would go around the Fupa. Yeah. It's the main focus.

Oh, my God. Voltorb. The electric ball Pokemon. Voltorb. That's the voice of the Pokedex. Ah, shit. I hated that. That's how the Pokedex talks, dude. I hated that. Pokedex. Ah, shit. I hated that. That's how the Pokedex talks, dude.

I hated that. Yeah, I didn't love that. I hated that. Whatever, man. And then it evolves into Electrode. Sneaky fast, Pokemon. Wait, can you do that voice again? Voltorb.

And then play the Pokedex voice. They say it's Voltorb. No, not quite. It's way happier. Voltorb. Yeah. You're making it cooler. Voltorb. That's how they do it. You're changing it, though's Voltorb no not quite it's way happier Voltorb you're making it cooler you're changing it though I was going for Plankton's wife

yeah it's similar that's when he sees Ho-Oh before Ho-Oh was even released as Pokemon that was episode 1 That's when he sees Ho-Oh. Before Ho-Oh was even released as Pokemon. There is no data. There are still Pokemon yet to be identified. That was episode one, man. That's a far cry from what you sounded like. No, I was good.

Oh, you were good. I sounded like a Pokedex. Go back to Chris Christie. He's a shocking looking guy. And then there's always that picture of him pouring the M&Ms in the M&Ms. Have you seen that? He pours M&M's into M&M's, which is like, I think he has some White Sox Dave tendencies. Oh, I would probably agree.

White Sox Dave should be way fatter. I'd see him climb a Velcro wall. Yeah, you know the most about White Sox. You are actually the foremost authority on White Sox Dave lore resident white socks dave guy yeah unfortunately for better or worse but i could i could warn you about his upcoming you want to know something you want to know something so white socks dave that he did to me last week let's hear it this is so white socks dave came in here we were hanging out in the studio he's like hey rudy you streaming tonight i was like yeah i'm gonna stream tonight and i had like a plan for something and he was like hey like if

you want to play call of duty i'll be online i was like all right cool i played this japanese dating sim as i nice as i do naturally and uh beat it really quickly it didn't last very long so i was like oh fuck i gotta figure something out i was like oh dave like dave wanted to play he was he like got in my face it was very adamant about being like i want to play i want to want to play. And then, so I hit him up, Mike, yo, like I'm going to be playing right now. And he goes, can't play. I gotta, I gotta watch the Illinois game. Yeah. And I was like, Dave, I, you, you just bricked me and you were the one who wanted to play. Like he invited me to play was kind of bullish about it being Being like, you should almost abandon your idea. I don't care what you're doing for your stream.

I want to play Call of Duty. I then hit him up and he's like, I can't. I'm busy. I'm more surprised it wasn't something like, I can't have to do laundry right now. Or like, I have to empty the dishwasher. But it's hard for me to be surprised because I knew exactly where that story was going. I'll never get over Dave having me come into the office at 9 a.m. I don't want to complain about coming in at 9am.

It's early here. And so I came in and he was like, hey, can you let me write something? Can you do a Dave for me? Nick, I need help writing. Thank you. So I came in here to help him write some jokes for Sister Jean. And I got here and I was like,

hey man, where are you? And he was like, oh, I only had eight minutes. He had eight minutes and then he had to leave. Just left me here. Yeah. That's a wild, wild brain increment of time. Yeah. He only had eight minutes, but he was here for eight minutes and he had to go home.

Like, I don't even I don't even think the president operates operates on eight minutes. I can't write it. One joke in eight minutes. I should have mentioned only have eight minutes. Yeah. No, he blamed it on me. Right. No no don't you know i'm in a hurry and his hurry was probably to go like shop for screwdrivers no it was for something and i think he ended up he he's never taken blame for anything in his life that's the root of white socks dave he just doesn't know what accountability is he's gonna listen back and be like fuck you Danny but

consider this a therapy session um Mook yeah I saw on your Instagram story you did like a live dating show you thought it was a regular comedy set yeah yeah so I uh some dude hit me up to do a show at the Laugh Factory so I'm like

alright so independently produced stand up show it was a live dating show me and three or me and three other contestants competing for the the love of one woman for one girl that i didn't see the entire time she was behind were you worried about that i kind of i like didn't want to win per se but did you yeah of course you did wait could you see her legs? No. You couldn't see any part of her? Could you hear her voice? Could you tell if there was any...

She sounded like a young... Hey, baby. A young... A young what? Like a young girl. Cool, man. That's tight. I'm glad you won. Like a young girl. Cool, man. All right.

That's tight. I'm glad you won. What do you mean? She's like, do an impression of her voice. I prefer going out to dinner on a first date. That sounds just like a regular age. That sounds like a girl your age. That sounds like a college graduate.

It was a fresh college. Was she a comedian? No. So this show happens once a month at the laugh factory and they pick a contestant for next month in the crowd at the current show okay so she chose you yes could she see you no wait why are you laughing story gets deeper she couldn't see me but basically how the show went was i did a set and then every other contestant did a set so me and three other people and then they brought all four of us up on stage so it was me a six foot three black dude a small black lesbian woman okay who maybe wasn't lesbian she was just a woman

i mean she was on a dating show to win a woman yeah but she could have been like i had no idea it was a dating show so this is basically what happens in the green room after every show yeah you choose you they choose which comic they want to fuck three women three people three comics in a room and then one girl from the crowd yes and then you and me and a small uh a smaller jewish man named Zach. Okay. Very funny. And they asked us like a series of questions like, what's a movie that describes your sexual preference? What did you say?

8 Mile? 8 Mile? This is where I actually, I'm getting a clip of this, but I just kept saying, stepmom seduces ginger stepson while dad gets away at work. That's good. And I just kept, they were like what book describe and i just kept saying something like that yeah that'll play and then the audience kind of votes

off the first two people and then the girl picks between the final two and it was between you and who me and the big black guy okay yeah and um the final she picked me and then we had to do a live date yeah i saw a picture of you guys like at dinner with a candle between you two oh my god between us a bottle of wine and there was a server uh another comic who who dressed up as like a server and um they give you prompts and you read them on stage and one of the was it an actual date jesus bro it was uh a date in front of 300 are you attracted to this girl she's very cute oh mook this is like a g league love is blind yeah it was more like love on the spectrum to be honest for you yeah um she uh she was very cool and one of the questions was

what's a hidden talent of yours and she was like i, I can do a split. And then she got up, did like a little jig and just ripped a split on stage. And everyone went fucking insane. What did you do? I chugged my glass of wine and then had the waiter pour water on my head. So I have to go to the bathroom real quick. Wait a minute. Is there like potential here? I are talking.

No way. She's in my DMs. Well, get her number yeah wait wait wait was it what was this what was the toad yeah what's the severity of the split it was like she is horny question yeah the horniest question i've ever heard yeah no fucking shit dude i want to segue into this anytime a girl does a split guys are like holy shit like she's gonna do that Imagine her doing that when I do Dude if you're fucking a chick while doing a split

What the fuck is Danny she gets the egg mid-section? Oh, you don't wanna fuck me watch this you do a split force So when she saw she could have, if you're like eating her out and she looks down and you're doing a full split... She shrivels up. She dries up like a razor. What the hell? You might lose your tongue.

So when she saw she could have had the six foot three black guy, was it like Price is Right contestant realizing they could have won a car? Well, the bet she came out, she was also a ginger. Whoa! That's a true love story.

Yeah, it was crazy, dude. And she knew I was a ginger because I think I made some redheaded jokes in my set. Okay. But I had no idea what was waiting on the other side and she was very cute. Dude, why didn't you tell anybody about this? I wanted to go see.

I was in the middle of another sweat with another queen. Listen, man. This fucking guy. I'm going zero dark 30. What does that mean? It doesn't sound like it. You're going to kill her?

You're assembling a team to kill this woman while she lives in a cave? Team up with some Navy SEALs and drone striker? I'm going to take her out. I'm going zero dark 30 on this shit. I'm going drone striker. I'm going to take her out. I'm going zero dark 30 on this show. I'm going zero dark 30. I'm going to take her out. Yeah.

You're going to crash a helicopter into her house? Dude, that would be an amazing first date story. The softie in me is just like, this is meant to be. There are clips coming out, and it is very funny, like, communicating with a girl in front of 300 grand of people. And their reactions were insane. Moog saw she was right headed too and just his knees buckled did you go for like a kiss at the end no i didn't go for a kiss i asked her if the carpets match the drapes though first question that was the first question

and did she like ask what did she say she was like you're gonna have to find out whoa okay nice did you dap her up or hug her hug yeah yeah Yeah? Yeah, I didn't go for the kiss. I'm not going to do the kiss on stage kind of thing. One arm hug or two? He did one. Two. Whoa. These are getting pretty serious. Come on now.

That's wild. That's wild, man. That's wild. I hope something comes from this. That's a rom-com plot right there. Yeah, I mean, it was fun. But again, I'm going straight dudes. So next month. It's not straight dudes if what like straight dudes what do you mean i'm just worried about the bros right

now okay i'm all in on my dudes i like that yeah focus on the fellas the girls and we girls will certainly come if you yeah if you only focus on impressing men The chicks will love that What's my hat? Am I wearing a Hoss hat? Not ironic Or not coincidental because I wear it every single day Today's episode is brought to you by Be The Hoss These guys are local guys, they're cool guys

They support us, they listen to every episode They're genuine fans and they decided to sponsor the show Their t-shirts are nice Their sweats are nice, their hats are are nice fits my big ass fucking head and i have a sweaty head and these ventilated nice uh i think like this this like smoky gray kind of makes my eyes pop a little bit is what you were saying but no thank you to be the hoss uh they're cool guys and they have gone out of their way to sponsor the show because they're fans of the show. They want to see it do well.

Guys, you guys can go to bethehoss.com. Check out their athletic line and leisure wear. Use code BARSTOOL for 20% off the whole store at bethehoss today. bethehoss.com. Thank you to those guys. Love the Hoss. Love the Hoss. Chicago guys.

Yep. Big time. We're all chicago guys though whoa yo hey i'm just saying what they're from here so am i you're from oh yeah you're from the south side i forgot yes how is it with a little dirk over there there's been some something bad has happened in my building oh again yeah what is it nick it gets broken into every night somebody keeps driving by they stole the universal mail key from a from a postman that sounds like a marvel they've stole the universal yeah it's essentially the what's that first marvel thing they're trying

to get uh that's a gta rp mission to get a universal key. Really? And so these guys just come in every night. And if you don't claim their mail, it's theirs. Yeah. When you live in a building, there's probably like a 40% chance you're not going to get your packages. And it turns into like a white elephant. So I got a package stolen and it's a mock neck LL Bean, two mallard ducks flying at each other. And I just want to see a kind of a gangbanger wearing that. So I'm happy that got stolen. Yeah, that'd be kind i'm happy that got stolen yeah that'd be kind of cool yeah yeah that'd be kind of cool i'm waiting for the post in r slash shy rackology like just ripped off this white boy yeah and

he just has that my sweater my fucking 100 wool mock neck dual mallard duck sweater oh fuck yeah these white boys got me swagged up they into ducks now and shit wait so what's are they like working on a solution the solution is get your mail as soon as it comes meanwhile i've gotten four notifications your fault yes i'm victim shame email dude it was like if you have a package like pick it up right away yeah guys they have the universal mail key they it's like robbed a mailman it's was like, if you have a package, like pick it up right away. Yeah. Guys, they have the universal mail key. They robbed a mailman. It's like 48 hours.

If you're not getting your packages from a building in 48 hours, they're gone. I got, I just got an email and I'm kind of stressing because I got the same sweater again. You bought it again. I want it really bad, but that's like a great way to know know you know how people have like buyer's remorse like should i've gotten this yeah what i recommend is have somebody steal the first item and if you still want it that's the sign get it again and that's like you can rest easy yeah that seems efficient what are you looking for yeah ll bean duck sweater i'm just checking to see if little dirk has oh little little dirk hasn't worn it. Pull it up though. Like if you see

you'll, I think odds are it will be mine. Uh, no. No. Wow, they have a lot of ducks. That one. I feel like I love those mad ducks. That's a cool sweater. Yes, dude. Thank you. It's a roll neck. So it's a

turtleneck, but it rolls down. That's some kid cuddly shit. Thank you. There's a lucky man out there right now a turtleneck, but it rolls down. That's some Kid Cudi shit. Thank you. There's a lucky man out there right now wearing that. Yeah, man. And it got yoinked. I'm really fucking bummed. Where's the... never mind. Damn. You have a bizarre propensity for...

I don't even know if those words are correct. No, propensity was good. Yeah. It's bizarre how sorrow and inconvenience follows you. Nothing good's ever happened to me. I think it's like being born in West Virginia. Like, I think that like. Well, the thing is, I went against the grain.

What I should have done is OD'd when instead I moved out. And now it's the universe being like, this is not your place. You could have died doing what you love. Now you've got a dark rain falling on you. I know. Yeah. It's I should have just done what everybody else does right got a job at uh farm fresh our convenience store sold fried chicken

and died but instead i decided to have dreams yeah it's crazy it's crazy to me because like west virginia god love it uh it has like this still that to me like reads like uh like a peasant like a lifestyle where it's like you know i'm in the village thousand percent i'm gonna keep doing my thing yeah it's what you do and they die at 40 oh yeah it's what you do yeah and there's honestly like if somebody dies at 40 people are just like oh my god like what luck what fuck the state ranks 50th across the board and everything you don't want to be 50th in yeah Danny what's the

it's the only reason I want Puerto Rico to be a state yes they can beat you in monsoons just like see they're dying younger Danny what's the Chicago version of that? Oh, you probably go to college for doing something you really want to do. And then immediately after you graduate college, you just join a local union. Yeah, that's Philly. Is that Philly?

Yeah. You join a union. You do coke throughout your 30s. You wake up in gambling debt and you say go birds. That's what you do. You go to the same bars in the same neighborhood and yeah, that's about it. That's all she writes.

Yeah, man. You could say that for probably a lot of hometowns. I would love to know the hometown trajectory of every hometown. If you're from DC, this is what happens.'re from D.C., this is what happens. If you're from here, this is what happens. Ours is just a much shorter story. Yeah.

Your life expectancy is way shorter then. Everything's really bad. And if like your high school drama is following you all the way till you die because you're around the same people the whole time. The whole time. You know that you peed in your pants when you were five something really bad happened in west virginia there was a bad batch of a certain drug that came out and people were uh getting were getting hurt and at the same exact time 9-1-1 was down oh my god yeah this was

like the worst combo imaginable they just had to run to the police station every time i don't know no because it was just no they're carrying the the sick person the last yeah sorry man nine one one's down and then they said the alternate number and it was like 24 digits yeah which is the amount of fingers and toes most west virginians are born with the weird thing is that the time i spent in west virginia it is remarkably beautiful i think it's like a very like the rolling hills that's pretty it's so pretty and it's like what do you what do you do there i got more culture shock going to welch west virginia you went to welch for rough and rowdy i went to welch for rough and rowdy? I went to Welch for Rough and Rowdy. I called my mom and I said. Did you have service?

And I said, thank you. I said, thank you. Because I got more culture shock from Welch, West Virginia than when I went to Africa. I was. It was crazy. I was in an Uber once in Columbus, Ohio, and it was a black man, Uber driver. And he asked where I was from. And I said, I was from West Virginia. And he asked where I was from. And I said I was from West Virginia. And he said, oh, shit, I don't consider you white.

And that was the happiest I've ever been in my life. Dude, that's so sick. I want that so bad. And then I think you know what I said back. And then he kicked me out of the car. Yeah, that's what's going on. Danny, what you got going on? Danny is helping with some out-of-order sketches. yeah that's what's going on danny what you got going on danny is uh

helping with some out of order sketches we have some things in the pipeline but uh you have any you have any sketches you want to run through real quick i had something i wanted to bring up sure um you guys know neds declassified yeah wait what sorry the show so first of all there's a bunch of like how many seasons was ned's declassified on nickelodeon for four maybe three they every like show that was not really that popular like is starting a podcast like boy meets world that cast them starting a podcast would be big full Full house, big. The office. The office, enormous. But like Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

starting a podcast seems... Is that a huge... Did you watch it as a kid? Was it huge to you? Yeah, definitely. Definitely more cultish though than trending. How many seasons did it even go? I'll be honest.

I have no idea what Ned's Declassified... No, this is like Kablam starting a podcast. This is like...'s massive, too. Oh, my God. But how much can they talk about? Dude, I saw the clip of the blowjob. Oh, yeah. She was sucking him.

She was sucking Ned. She was sucking. So who is on Ned's the classified podcast? Which characters? The three Ned, the chick and the uh ned's best friend oh that so that's who i was going to talk about cookie yeah talk about i thought it'd be up tech right well did you know that after ned's a classified cookie tried to become a rapper and we have to play one of his songs right now cookie became a rapper yes it's called like uh laughing adam mook by daniel whatever his name is curtis

yeah so that's yeah third one down yeah laugh and feature an m dot you just you just need to listen to this wait for the chorus we're gonna relive it so that something else is playing i wait pause i was like damn he has a podcast sample now you're good, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It ain't easy being the baller that I always been. Stepping on the mic, always ripping all of them.

Oh, Cookie. We'll just wait for the laugh of the chorus. A laugh? Wait a minute. What's the chorus. A laugh? Oh, he keeps laughing. Oh, yeah. It's the chorus, brother. Oh, the song's laughing. Oh! They better be talking about this on the podcast

damn cookie it's like him and him and chet hanks uh we don't talk shit about chet here dude chet's been spitting lately really spitting i need to i guess i need to go more into his discography spitting i can't talk about chet why not i'm all in there's a yak incident i'm all in on chet hanks oh yeah all in yeah as you should be he's going to be a mega star he's going to be bigger than his dad the donald trump joe biden video is one of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my life. What's the Donald Trump Joe Biden video? He does a switch up where he's like, I think everyone should remember that even though Donald Trump lost, he is still the president. So we should show some recycle.

And then he goes into the Jamaican accent. Oh, his patois. Yeah. It's one of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my life. Versailles? It's like he hits, it's like a perfect example of like code switching, hitting a topical moment and having a twist in like a 30 second video. What's the Jamaican accent?

Is he known to do that? Oh yeah. He does a really, really good patois. Like rapping? No, speaking. Oh, okay. Interesting. I thought it was going to be like Eminem when he does a really really good patois like rapping no speaking oh yeah interesting i thought i was gonna be like eminem when he does that accent was drake jamaican for a little bit drake is drake this is i've said this about drake forever drake is one of the few artists you never know which

one you're gonna get you got dubai drake british drake toronto drake caribbean drake uh bilingual british drake your dad every one of his albums he's like oh i'm just gonna be british now oh i'm gonna be like he he's a european dj he just switches up like crazy and it's hilarious now there's anime drake what oh yeah uh anita max i need to max i need to max win w's in the yeah, he's... Is he allowed to do that? Yeah, he's Drake, dude. Is he allowed to do that voice? I think so. Who's stopping him?

It's on his... No, search... Is it this one? Who's a big Jamaican celebrity that would stop Drake? That's the original Jamaican one? Yeah, play original Jamaican. The major one is unbelievable too, yeah. Big up, big up the whole island.

Massive, it's your boy Chet and I. Coming straight from the Golden Globes, you all are seeing. We've seen the father Tom Hanks, but it's in a wide, true, far, wide cup. Big up, true name. Was Chet's sperm when Tom Hanks was like method acting Forrest Gump? Because that's the only explanation. He sounded like the Apple Jacks mascot.

No, sir, it's Chet. Sir, were you acting mentally challenged when you were fucking? Chet Hanks, Trump, and then maybe Respect or something? We need the Baja men to come out with a video against. Yeah, that's the third one right here. This is one of my favorite internet videos of all time. Say that, you know, like now that Trump's leaving office, I think it's important to remember that he was the president,

so we should show some respect. Pussy clout. Fuck them, Ross. Donald know what's wrong with would be boss man Biden. Fuck them Ross. Pussy clot boy. Go suck on a mother. Dude, his dad is like the most respected actor in Hollywood in the last 50 years.

But dude, I'm probably going to make fun of this. I think what Chet hanks does is almost more impressive because it's like have you seen saving private ryan yeah have you seen four you think that was more impressive than the normandy scene dude you sound so fucking stupid i know i do and i'm gonna get killed but i'll die on this hill he pulls up he pulls up to the golden globes and is like i'm gonna bust out a jamaican accent yeah tom hanks ain't doing that no tom hanks plays it safe he ain't doing that he ain't doing that like i'm like he pulls up and he made white boy summer had black chicks twerking on his eyeballs he's got

so much balls you pull up and you put a camera on him he delivers he does he really tom hanks like has months to prepare for a role. Everyone's like, oh, he's acting. You can be a retarded person that runs across America. He's preparing for that. Chet Hanks shows up and is like, I'm going to be Jamaican. In a land and a time where you cannot. His improv is better than Tom's.

Agreed. That's what I'm saying. He was like trying to audition for one of the roles of the pirates, Captain Phillips. Oh, yeah. That's perfect. There's a captain. Dad, why didn't you cast me? Keep working on that accent, son.

I want him to play Bob Marley. Yes. I'll say this. There's a tiny, tiny chance that Chet Hanks could be like an actor at the level of Tom Hanks. There is a zero percent chance Tom Hanks could do that. You don't think Tom Hanks could put is a 0% chance Tom Hanks could do that. You don't think Tom Hanks could put on an accent and do that? No. Well, you're right. He could.

He's a professional actor. I just want to address all the recent controversy around my films. Tom needs to embrace his boy, his baby boy. Bumlacat. Bossman Biden. that is my son dude if they ever remake cast away i want chet to voice wilson come get me man i'm out here in the water floating away man

you're gonna let me float away and then like when Tom Hanks like presses his hand he's like get your hand off me I need some alone time dude I need a Wilson spin-off where Chet plays Wilson I've been in the ocean too long cut your hand again my face is disappearing

I need him to I need him to voice Wilson who like washes up on the banks of Manhattan what is this city I am a volleyball

why are you spanking me oh yeah i need a wilson spin-off play with me starring chet oh my god what do you mean set why are you setting me i am floating away now. Honestly, you can... And all he wants is pussy. He's a volleyball that really wants pussy. We got any pussy on this island?

I've been in the ocean for 30 years, Bob. Just a little pussy for a volleyball. I'm looking for the booze. Give a little volleyball with a pineapple hair pussy. Take me to Jamaica, Queens. My face is made of blood. Give pineapple hair pussy. Take me to Jamaica, Queens. My face is made of blood. Give me some pussy. Listen, brother. We both went through the same plane crash.

We're both going through the same things. Get your head together. Dude, imagine you walk in and your chick's fucking Wilson. You better keep a better eye on your girl. She's the only girl on the island, brother. Don't worry, bro. There's the only girl on the island brother don't yeah don't worry bro there's plenty of girls in the sea everything's gonna be iry dude my chick left

me for a fucking movie actor i'm gonna need you to inflate me again yeah she's blowing them it's wilson starring tom hanks i need chet hanks to be wilson voice acting wilson the spin-off you've all been waiting for what is this island cast away to wilson's story sorry chad hanks i've been in the ocean too damn long wilson's revenge i'm gonna get you motherfucker yeah why'd you let me float away swim to me make a fucking craft on him oh that's so good

yeah dude Wilson's trying to get pussy and kill Tom Hanks bring me to Tom I had to take the east African current you better sleep with one eye open. That's so fucking good.

He's on a press tour. He's on a press tour. I'm in Thailand. But he's like in disguise on the red carpet, but he's just a fucking volleyball. They're on the island. He's like please we gotta put up that volleyball net

I need something oh my god and he gets a ton of pussy yeah where you finding all these girls you gotta look

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What else we got going on? Are we having a sleepover? Oh, so the boys, we've all been going through it. So I was like, let's have an old school sleepover. You guys come to my house tomorrow. We order pizza. We play PS2. Danny, you're invited.

Oh, you know, we all watch porn together. Like what you normally do at sleepovers i my first porno i ever watched my first time i knew about jacking off was a kid jacking off right next to me but everybody was under their own blanket yeah but i had an afghan so you could just kind of see everything yeah you're a visual off with like a little bit of twine everybody saw um but it was before i could we wasn't even a porno we were watching. We were watching Vampire's Kiss with Nicolas Cage. What? I've never seen that.

There's titties in it. You just kept fast forwarding and rewinding. Yeah, that and Halle Berry in Swordfish. Yeah, that's a famous one. But I think dude should start embracing the male sleepover more. Definitely, man. I think we got to get past the whole gay thing. Girls do girls night.

Have guys come over. I have NBA Street Volume 2. Two controllers. I don't have a multi-tap. I have God of War 2. Oh, I will fuck that up. Yeah. Apparently it's the best God of War. I haven't even opened it. I have Tony Hawk's Underground 2. I got sequels out the wazoo. Turn me up. Order some pizza pie, but not like

we're not ordering fucking uh johns of bleaker we're ordering domino's pizza no yeah you gotta go you gotta go corporate i call it you gotta go corporate you gotta go franchise yeah no kind of my place yeah but i want to just do a fucking i think it's a great mental reset. Guys need to get back on the sleepover. You fuck with the guy that falls asleep first. So what? We're older, but it doesn't matter. Now we just have bigger couches. Yeah, our eyebrows are real bad.

We all have huge couches. I agree. You have a small, small couch. That's why you're not hosting. I'm hosting. I don't. I have a massive... We could host at my place next. We could. Let's do it. I got the PS2 plugged in. Pizza ready. Air mattress.

I got the couch pressed together. So it makes like, I pushed in the piece so it makes a California king. Oh. And? And now we have weed to smoke. Oh. That's big. Yeah.

And get that star six seven typed in the phone already. We're pranking. We're pranking. Yeah. I'm going to call the cutest fucking girl on my phone. I might start. And just be like, hey. And she's going to be like, Nick.

Hey, baby. Can I light a couple? She's going to be upstairs. Everything okay down there? Hey, do you like Nick? Yeah, I'm in his apartment. What do you think of Nick can I light

what if she says another name I want to light some things on fire yeah for sure dude we're doing it all tomorrow and we'll probably put out like social clips but this is for us it's a mental reset I don't even want the social clips dude a retreat

yeah it's a boys retreat and the guys listening I don't think there's many guys that listen to this show. But if you are one of them, invite the fellows over. Do a fucking sleepover on a school night. Yeah. Get up and go to work the next morning. Yep. Yeah. We need like the flashlight.

Don't waste a weekend on this. Weekends for being an adult. Yeah. Yeah. Do a Thursday sleepover. Thursday. Yeah. Yeah. We all miss work the next day. Yeah. Yeah. Do a Thursday sleepover. Thursday. Yeah. Yeah.

We all miss work the next day. Yeah. I'm so sleepy. Why were you late to work? I was playing PS2. Last night. Dude, that sounds amazing. Yeah.

And I think all of us miss a piece of that. Big time. Especially when you go over to a house and they have a game you've never played. Oh my God. Yeah.

You only sleep at your boy's house now when you're too drunk. Yes. On the couch. couch yeah or you get snowed in or you're visiting needs to be premeditated yeah we're doing this tonight the next time like let's say we're out at a bar we go back to mine to have one more drink i want one of you just be like yo can i stay yeah stay sleeping bags in the closet. Yes. I agree with that. Because like you go home. Why did it suck? You go home and you sleep in.

You're still a bag of shit. Yeah. That's a lost art is the sleepover. The adult male sleepover needs to be a thing. I agree with that completely. Because if you think back of your happiest times, the times where you've learned the most, the times where you've laughed the hardest. It's always that. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

You know who's. What if Mook's mom comes and picks him up? He wets the bed in the middle. Yeah. Mook pisses. How many times has happened? You got afraid. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Afraid. Asthma attack. Allergy. A whole nine yards. Dude, if you get afraid of my sleepover tomorrow, I'm going to laugh so hard. Another big part of sleepovers was building forts. Oh, yeah.

Yep. And we cut out the anxiety of having to wait for the yes from your parents. Yeah, there's no more can I stay. I'm going to have you call my mom tomorrow. I almost think we should almost start cosplaying, like call our parents. Why are you calling me, Danny? Just say yes ma i'm staying at nick's house dude who wait wait i'm gonna put i'm gonna put uh his mom on the phone she'll talk to you make sure everything's squared yo dude do you have a good mom impression call me from the landline when you get there i i

was my one sleepover i was at shilling roedocker's house he lived on idabel avenue probably still does um um don't worry there's not a lot of shilling road hawkers he had the best sleepovers um yeah we called him shill rod and um he had the best sleepovers his parents were sweet he had lizards and um all i wanted to do was play the south park n64 game the one where you had like piss snowballs and threw them at each other and it was my turn to go and i got there and then i heard beep beep and they're like nick that's your mom never got to play the south park n64 being picked up first from the sleepover is the worst thing imaginable yeah like carry it's like the equivalent of getting carried out of the bar yeah yeah yeah or you have like oh my god it's the same sensation the same thing it's like fuck

dude getting to getting cut off at the bar before everybody else yeah early flight after a bachelor trip yeah the yeah hey guys i can't go too hard i'm the first flight out it's like a walk of shame for like middle school yeah because you have your you don't really know how to roll up your sleeping bag so it's kind of coming out yeah and it's just like it's a it's the first walk of shame yeah damn and everybody else doesn't really give a fuck that you're leaving because they're so just glued in yeah yeah unless you're unless you're the cool kid and they're like dude we're not gonna have fun without dylan anymore it's yeah yeah yeah like all right i'll see where my mom's at she's close yeah as soon as the cool

kid leaves i was like all right turn off the64. You know who's been doing male sleepovers is Christians. A lot of religious people do male retreats. Male retreats, yeah, but I'm pretty sure they fuck. I had a buddy whose balls filled with semen and he had to beat off at a Christian retreat. His balls filled with semen and he had to beat off. Yeah, it was so funny were they like getting bigger yeah no he had like he had like a medical condition he started floating and i went to a super strict catholic my balls are filling it was like milking

one of those cows hasn't been milked yeah oh my god i'm in so much pain he went actually he went a lordy mode so we took a we took a bus up to this like mountain like a religious retreat and i went to a super catholic school i'm not religious but i was like i'm in the game so we're gonna go yeah and uh we all went up there and the whole way up where he's like dude my balls are killing me my balls are killing me and all of us are going through puberty and like i guess this happens where like you're something like something happened you gotta get you gotta jerk off like got a permanent blue balls yeah yeah like his balls were like filling up they like he was like in pain like physical pain and we were at mass and he's like i can't oh i thought his balls

were like at mass like about to break like i'm at critical mass of ball breaking point he was and so he's like i gotta go upstairs his ball he couldn't even sit down his balls were hurting so bad he went upstairs and we were like, what the fuck's going on? Anyways, like an hour later, we go meet up with him. He's like, dude, I just I started a bath. I thought a bath would help me. He went a lordy mode. He beat off in the bathtub.

Yeah. And he said it was he said it was he felt so much better. And the irony, he like felt this like guilt for the next three days for jerking off in the bathtub was a shared tub. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you just stand Mart marsh in there it's the same thing i tell girls he my my this this cum is just filling my balls it has to get out it was just funny of all dude imagine trying to use that to like your girl now just be like baby my balls are filled they're killing me help i've reached critical but like you don't want to say you're still kind of shy so you just walk around just oh time my balls are filled i picture you i've been in the ocean i've been in the ocean for four years i've reached critical mass

my balls are too full i feel like so much guilt that yeah i picture you going to a girl at a bar and being like, critical mass. Say less. Critical mass. Say less, Nick. We're at a tipping point. This is more about me than you. My balls are filled to the brim. There's a medical emergency.

I have a dumb question. And there's nothing I can do about it. I need to cum and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not typically stored in the balls, right? No. I think the balls make cum. They make it. There's no storage, right?

They send it upward? There's no like... Van's deference. They don't have like a... There's no... Yeah, it's not like... The semen goes up a Dutch highway. It's not like crops where just like, oh, there's a cum drought. We better get the reserves.

Your friend was like the same as when you have to pee really be like i gotta pee if you accidentally if you impregnate a girl with your reserves and she's like why is this baby four years old he's been in there a while yeah this is an old ass baby having the feeling that you need to come like like it you have to piss is yeah that's absurd i gotta come i gotta come you need to come like you have to piss. That's absurd. I gotta come. You have to have your fucking you're on a family trip. You have to have him pull over. The come dance. Mom, I have to come. Do it in a bottle.

We got a Gatorade bottle in this car. Alright, we got the closest gas station is coming up. We'll pull over. Thanks, mom. I feel so much better. Thank you. Sorry, I have small balls. I have to come a lot.

Don't gaslight me. The funniest thing is I remember telling him he was like so guilt ridden. I was like, dude, like Jesus will get it. We got reconciliation coming up, brother. I was like, guilt-ridden i was like dude like jesus will get it we got reconciliation coming up brother i was like just go to confession dude just using your tiny balls and as an excuse to why you have to come more where is it going to go look how small my balls are jerk off seven times a day i can't help it he's doing two a day this is so stupid alright anything else boys I think I let it all out

I think I did too I gotta go cum new untold story god bless