A New Untold Story - Wizard Fiction feat. Francis Ellis - A New Untold Story: Ep. 443

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

francis ellis joins the program to talk maryland, progressive schooling, and goats/legends. Ads: Gametime - Download the Gametime app today and use code UNTOLD for $20 off your first purchase DraftKings - GAMBLING PROBLEM? CALL 1-800-GAMBLER, [phone] or visit gamblinghelplinema.org (MA). Call 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY). Please Gamble Responsibly. 888-789-7777/visit ccpg.org (CT), or visit www.mdgamblinghelp.org (MD). 21+ and present in most states. (18+ DC/KY/NH/WY). Void in ONT/OR/NH. Eligibility restrictions apply. On behalf of Boot Hill Casino & Resort (KS). 1 per new customer. $5+ first-time bet req. Max. $150 issued as non-withdrawable Bonus Bets that expire in 7 days (168 hours). Stake removed from payout. Terms: sportsbook.draftkings.com/promos. Ends 4/13/25 at 11:59 PM ET. Sponsored by DK. Mando - Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code ANUS at https://Mandopodcast.com/ANUS! #mandopod Stella Blue - Enjoy Stella Blue Coffee by visiting https://stellabluecoffee.com and use promo code UNTOLDSTORY for 20% off orders $25 or moreYou can find every episode of this show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or YouTube. Prime Members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. For more, visit barstool.link/anuspodcast

Hey, a new untold story listeners, you can find every episode on Apple Podcast, Spotify or YouTube. Prime members can listen to ad free on Amazon Music. Everything is going on whenever you guys want to get started. You mean you're going to reply to what I'm going to say? No, you're just going to say, no, that's a new untold story. Hey, is that story over told? No, baby. It's a new untold story. All right, a new untold story episode for something.

Episode 443, we'll dive into that soon, but we're here with the effortlessly tall and white Francis Ellis. That's right. Who's also muscular successful stylish handsome wise intelligent What trait do you want that you don't have oh gosh? Hmm that's a tough one Or children children wouldn't be a trait no No, it's not a trait no no Characteristic there could be like a sperm count thing

Gosh traits, I don't know a little more a little more Self-confidence believe it or not you said more you have it. I don't think that I do I think I think people are on a way it seems that I do but that's all probably a smokescreen for a deeply fragile lack of self-worth. Homosexual. They're synonymous. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you're right. Show me a confident gay man, and I'll show you a straight guy at heart.

Those are wise words. Those are wise words. Thank you for joining us today. Thank you. I love coming on the the show you guys are the best wow man thank you you're here for mini golf but you're also here because you're we've talked about it a little bit you're penning penning Dave's book yes how's that going it's great Dave is also penning Dave's book of course yeah yeah and you know if you talked about some of the more uncomfortable things no, no, we're not too far into it but you know, I

Kind of have learned that that is also something that Probably better to not talk about it too much as we as we develop You're just gonna write about it in great detail and slide the pages to him. Well, he is also writing a lot of it. So I don't want people to think that I'm, you know, I don't think people think that the only one doing it. You know, this is Dave's book. It's his story. And obviously he's a that's how he built the company was his writing.

Yeah. You know, the first many issues of the Barstow newspaper Hysterically were all written by him and often under fake aliases to give the perception that there were multiple writers on staff He is a very funny writer. Yes. Yeah, like yeah, not a joke guy You wouldn't believe as you go back and read a lot of his old work. You wouldn't believe you You become very I feel like a method actor studying tapes to try to learn to speak like that person for a biopic. Okay. Because I'm writing.

It's kind of the same thing, yeah. When I'm writing, I'm writing as Dave and what you know. Trying to use his voice. Yes. And he starts so many sentences with well. But he doesn't put a comma after the well. He goes, well I did this, well let me tell you something. And it's just very folksy and colloquial and I like it.

That's what's so. And that's fine. I don't mind the so's, but there are a lot of so's. I mean, the well is what I really really made me right about that He's so like it's like casually matter of fact and you can like tell it's so authentic that he didn't put any thought into like Crafting some like funny sentence or jokes, but it comes off as so funny and yeah Right. Yeah, so Yeah, it's fun. It's fun to immerse yourself in the language of your boss. Mm-hmm

But how are you are you gonna write about firing you? To be honest with you that what's all just up to Dave. Yeah, you know It's just his book and what he thinks warrants like you having to write yourself as like this I had to fire this colossal douchebag moron Yeah, that'd be funny. Yeah, wouldn't it that would be funny that would be funny. I believe you Third time now you could do it in like the in memory part. Yeah I'm trying to think you know I don't know if that was a big deal to him Yeah, you know what I mean it was was a big deal to him. Yeah. You know what I mean?

It was obviously a big deal to me, but I don't know if that meant anything and if that was a ripple in the timeline of Barstool. So what would hurt words if you were like, hey, what do you want me to do for this? And then he's just like, oh, I don't care about that at all. That's not a part of my story whatsoever. I would prefer that. Really? Yes.

Okay. I don't know that I need to revisit that again in great detail. And the book is going to be read by lots of people who are not that familiar with Barstool. That's the goal. So I don't necessarily want to introduce my sorted story to so many airline passengers picking up the book at Hudson News.

All right, quick little tiny break to talk about game time. I used game time this past weekend to go to the Cubs with Moog, Joey Avery, and Chef Donny. Took a foul ball off the picky. Yes he did. Yes, you should have caught that man. I know. But there's nothing more fun.

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Bonus bets expire 168 hours after issuance. For additional terms and responsible gaming resources, see dkng.co. Enough about the book, because I don't want to spoil it or get you or especially us in trouble. Sure. What episode number is it Kyle? 443 that is an overlay area code for Baltimore in a large swath of Eastern, Maryland And the 410 I think on the 410 episode we may have briefly talked about Baltimore But I want to talk about Maryland as a whole real quick. Okay, are you have you familiar with Maryland?

I'm deeply familiar. My sister lives there. Mm-hmm. I think I might have an, I don't know if it's equatorial, but a tropical take about Maryland. I think an argument can be made that it is the best state. Maryland? Overall. What? The best overall state. Yes.

It has Baltimore. That's the only downside is the crime and poverty in Baltimore. Okay. I think as a whole, if you look at everything, it's the most well-rounded good state. You're gonna get Maryland, people from Maryland fucking love Maryland.

They do. You know exactly what you're doing. But I actually think it is. Why? Let's see. Most of it is just affluent suburbs of DC and Baltimore. Yeah. So the education is great. Go to a good private high school. Go to a good college. The Naval Academy. It has good towns like Annapolis. It has a very diverse geography.

You're trying to go viral on Maryland Park right now. For how small it is, it's America in miniature. It has the Eastern Seaboard, the Chesapeake Bay, the Appalachian Mountains. You can ski. It has marshlands, farmlands. What else? It has the best signature food of any state. Crab cake? Yes. No. What's better? What's better than crab? A lot a lobster roll what state signature food is better than Maryland? I would say a lobster roll in Maine beats a crowd like Colorado not green chili. Yes Maybe a lobster roll, but then they also have blue crab is that another they can't have two state foods I think the Maryland crab cakes. It's Maryland crab cakes and some no

I think crab cake might be the best food period the best food the best single food period That's just not that is insane. That's crazy. Okay, then it's top three. It's not even the best seafood It's it's not the best cake. It's not the best crab So it has so the fact that we're even debating this means that it has to be like someone So it has so the fact that we're even debating this means that it has to be like someone know that's That's straw man that's straw man the fact that we're even having to debate this that's straw man Yeah, isn't straw man when when you sort of? Is it is it not when you blame someone or something as a way of diverting attention from something else? He was straw man like you straw man. I think you invent something like a straw

Yeah, that's exactly what he did. We have no clue, God, we're not. You're accusing me of straw man is a logical fallacy in itself. We're having this great debate back and forth. That means that it has to have some. You just said the fact that we're debating, it means it must be true.

This is also, this is not a great debate. This is the- It must have good merit then. We're debating this. We're having such a- You're the only reason the debate is continuing. Because they are trying to shut it down. You're the only reason the debate is continuing. Because they are trying to shut it down. That's what makes a great debate. See? Discourse.

Opposite opinions. Perfect. Some of the best towns. Probably the most per capita attractive state. Maryland? That just cannot. Oh dude, what? What state is more attractive than Maryland? I can name a few. California. You're thinking of the top tier of California. You're thinking of the top 25%. California has San Bernardino and Bakersfield.

Yes, but Maryland has, you know, Baltimore. Which, I mean, if you look at the Baltimore metro as a whole Very wealthy very attractive very successful very educated. I was the best-looking state per Per average are you saying no? States southern belt no southern bells obesity obesity and Yeah, well there. I think you could what about Florida. It's got to be one of the most I think it is one of the most richest states if you take out Baltimore It would be Florida has Floridians, Arizona

Arizona has desert hicks Our cactus people is that a there a lot of cactus they have some they live in the shade go to you know other fuckers Well, yeah, Maryland's the wealthiest state but that does does that equate to one of the best party beach towns in Ocean City Ocean City is one of the best one of the best locations is close to New York it's close to Philly is close to the American South I do I will say this in in Maryland's defense I do like the fact that Baltimore and DC are so close to each other, but completely distinct cities. There we go.

I like that. Exhibit Z. He's acting like you proved his point. I think we've done it. Just because it's close to DC. I think we've collectively done it. I was just there. I was just in Baltimore a couple weeks ago. The waterfront in Fells Point, that area with its cobblestone streets, brick row houses.

Have you ever been? The whole harbor of Baltimore, quite lovely. It's coming up, I think it is coming up. However, I was staying within a five-minute walk of the Comedy Club, and every single person there who came to the shows told me, take an Uber. Wow. Because it's a city of

gradients where like the the wealth is on top of the poverty there's no like oh the wealthy people are outside in the poverty people are central are you saying like literal gradients like a shade gradient I don't know if that's why people were telling me to take an uber they were saying taking over but what major city doesn't have that issue That's true. I can walk a hundred blocks in New York. I'll see some crazy stuff, but I'm not that worried that I'm gonna get All right, Maryland bugged top two baby one State as a whole well off dogshit flag best flag. Oh my god. Oh, it's busy and ugly. No. It's distinctive and iconic

What would you argue is also a contender? Oh, dude. It looks like an optical. It looks like a magic eye Yeah, that's a good point. It looks European and graceful and cool. Why do you want it to look European? That's the clan because the rest of the state flags are so dogshit They look like no New Mexico bad painting New Mexico is good Colorado is good Arizona is good This Colorado might be the best state The best state is all landlocked landlocked will knock it Colorado has like virtual Nebraska Large part of it is just Nebraska. Yeah. Yeah most of Colorado's Nebraska

Did you see what Luke searched there what he searched did he forget the L you forgot the L It's Rudy's Instagram directly Maryland has the most legends and goats the most legends and goats What you can even say Baltimore, but I will include the whole state Maryland has the most and goats. The most legends and goats. You can even say Baltimore, but I will include the whole state. Maryland has the most goats and I'm not talking about, oh, he's the goat of this.

This is absurd. You want me to go through them? I know you're going to regardless. You guys can say goat legend or none of the above. Michael Phelps. Goat. Goat.

Most six most decorated man. Why are you disagreeing with me when I say He's not, cause he's not just a goat. You're being very, you said you, it was multiple choice asshole. He is the, he is the best at anything. That's a goat. So he, I think he's, you're very combative. He's the best at anything

that anyone has ever been. Not just sports. No, no he's not the best at anything anyone has ever been. No, just no he's not the best at anything and not just sports. You think he's the best in our lifetime? He's the best at his thing. He's the best most dominant. Maybe JK Rowling. What? For like wizard fiction. No, she would probably dominate. Pretty decent thing he pulled there. She probably dominates wizard fiction sales She might have a billion more copies sold than the next best wizard fiction author But it felt no hey JR token. Yeah, what is he wizard fiction? Yeah, he's wizard fiction work fantasy

How were you prepared for that felt Phelps is, yeah, 23 gold medals, the best athlete of all time. Then they have the female goat, Katie Ledecky. No! The most decorated. Serena is the female goat. The most decorated chick of all time. Serena is the female goat.

No. Katie's the most dominant. Yeah, but maybe it's less competitive in her field. I think Serena is more dominant than Katie Ledecky. I think Katie's dominated more. The fact that we're even having. Oh! I'm so angry.

If you look up Katie Ledecky's stats. Are you from Maryland? If you look up Katie Ledecky's stats on Google, the results are bone chilling. You'll see like she has the top 25 best times in her. Some of her times are faster than Phelps, right? I doubt that. And yet she has ten silvers Yeah, that's ten silvers is a lot two bronzes. Yes

Hmm that means that there were Ten people who beat the goat Or could could be less. She's okay, so we have two goats to babe Ruth from Baltimore legend and goat Two goats, Baybrooth from Baltimore. Legend and Goat. The games changed a lot. Okay. Tupac.

Okay. Both. But do you mean Legend and Goat? Legend and Goat. He's from Baltimore? He did his thing in Baltimore. You can't, where's he from? He did his, he started rapping.

He started getting into the arts at the Baltimore School of the Arts. Are you including DC as part of Maryland? If they grew up in Maryland. Okay, so not DC. Not the actual district. I don't know what you mean by that. So none of these people have been from DC.

No, but I was going to throw in Dave Chappelle who is from DC Okay, because he is a go trust me he can sit this one out and I'll and he will still be good Edgar Allen Poe yeah, mm-hmm Okay, Muggsy Bogues My goat what Muggsy Bogues is the best basketball player of all time. Not the most successful. Just the fact that he made it to the NBA? He was five foot three, did 15 seasons,

100 plus double doubles. So you think skill wise he's the best? I think he is, I think he has to be. Because of his? One season he averaged four rebounds per game. He's shorter than Lucy Liu. Yeah, but that was back when the rims were stiffer so the ball would bounce all over the court

And he would run out and get it. We'll explain the points and assists. He's basically a ball boy. He was a tennis ball boy On a basketball court He would stand in the corner with his hands behind his back. Yeah, just wait. There it is Run out and get it and he'd hand it to one of the actual players All right, so he is a legend He's not the best basketball player of all time. I think he's the most skilled. He's 5'3 I'm at imagine if he was a foot taller You're saying he's the best basketball player do you think he'll be the best basketball player of all time if he was a foot taller

I think I Don't know if I can disagree with that It's a legend and goat. No, he's not good. I think he has to be none of the above No, Kyle thinks he has to be all right John Wilkes Booth the goat what actor goat assassin his brother His brother was the big actor was he big his brother was the most decorated actor in the country didn't know that I did not know that yeah and was celebrated and decorated actor in the country didn't know that I did not know that yeah And was celebrated and beloved and it you didn't ruin everything for him People say that part of what made John Wilkes so unhappy was that he lived forever in his brother's shadow

One other quick fun fact did you guys know this I know the bed the deathbed or the brother that saved the life I don't know either of those facts, but I'm excited to hear those We're about to go tit for tat. Okay Well, I only have tit And it sounds like you have a tattooine. Yeah, that's right. Go ahead. You let's use as grants Okay, the Civil War hero and Runaway favorite to succeed Lincoln as president at this time mm-hmm

the war had just ended was visiting DC and visiting Lincoln and was supposed to go to Ford theater that night to sit in the box next to Lincoln and Wilkes Booth and two of his cronies they had a team hit out on Lincoln, Grant and I think Seward or Stanton it was the secretary of state or the secretary of war okay they were trying to take out the entire like line of succession of the of the north basically okay that's insane and Mary Todd Lincoln was such a bitch yeah that Julia Julia Grant Ulysses his wife

said I can't stand to be at a play with her. I don't want to go. And so that is why Ulysses and his wife ended up not going to the play. Would they have been killed as well? There's two schools of thought. One is that he would have been shot as well. Two is that he being there would have meant there would have been more than one shitty police officer guarding the booth and they would have linked out to them killed or that grant was such a brilliant soldier himself he would have

been more perceptive to the threat and have stopped it and he wondered that's Mark Wahlberg yo mode yeah he wondered throughout his life if he had gone would he have been able to Fully change the course of history. Is this proven that they were supposed to be there? Not only is it proven There is also proof that as Grant and his wife were taking their carriage to the train station to leave DC in the afternoon before the play, John Wilkes Booth on a horse rode up alongside the carriage, looked in the window at him, stared at him a while and then rode off. Came face to face with him.

Chilling. Wow, imagine. What would have happened? Yeah, he wasn't going to kill him in the street there because with him. Chilling. Wow. Imagine. Yeah. What would have happened? Yeah. He wasn't going to kill him in the street there because he was going to go kill Lincoln. But what would the repercussions be if they did get the whole line of secession? Well, Andrew Johnson becomes vice president and Andrew Johnson was so pro-south that you could argue reconstruction doesn't happen at all.

My God. And that all the policies that Lincoln had wanted in the aftermath of the Civil War, which Grant carried forward in his two terms as president, might never have happened. So was this still during the time where the vice president was the loser of the election? That's a good question. Because there's no way that would, like of course, every president would get killed if the person with opposing views. What a bad idea.

I don't think that is, I don't think that that was, I think it was that they chose, I think they chose running mates at this point. So the moral of the story is that bitch wives are necessary. A bitch wife could save your life. Mary Todd Lincoln is a crazy figure in history who She's fucking by all accounts was a like a nightmare to be around. Oh, I didn't know anything about her Oh people hated her hated her. She was incredibly jealous of

Ulysses S grants renowned and popularity her husband Abraham Lincoln didn't want for it didn't want grant to usurp her husband Lincoln's sort of Wow, so is she the clout goat bitch is she that she's up there There's a play on Broadway right now called. Oh, Mary that is but it's about being gay. Oh, I think it's about Mary Todd I thought isn't there one about Lincoln being gay Did they suggest that in the play? I don't know. I don't know. There's a whole book about Abraham Lincoln being a gay man Everyone's talking about this play and it's oh Mary about it. Does that have Did Feitelberg go to see it because I was talking to him about Lincoln play. Yeah Okay, so yeah, is that but that's not is that that oh Mary the play?

Lavender and men lavender and men's wow efficiently gay. Yeah, I'll do it Hmm alright. What's yours? Yeah? Wait? Yeah, I'm at that match your shit. Oh I'll accept the tit. I'll see to the tit. What are your tats? Just boring shit. Oh like John Wilkes slept on the bed that Abraham died in. What? How'd he get access to that? Hotel bed across the street. He stayed there once.

Oh, before Abraham Lincoln died in it. Mm-hmm. Abraham saw John Wilkes Booth act in a play. and I think Abraham's son was saved By Wilkes Booth's brother or vice versa okay Interesting life was saved Battle on train track. Oh wow so yeah, so we're calling him a goat I don't know if I've ever heard someone de pluralized train tracks on a train track He's also do a lot of pat he was only on the left rail And I care about single track details

This is he the goat assassin though the yes the goat assassin hasn't been caught. He's the nobody knows the goat goat assassin Okay, fine. No, there is a samurai guy that had like 200 bodies Yeah, but how many goats did he kill quality over quantity sure? Kyle you mentioned that Michael Phelps is the greatest achiever the greatest person of our lifetime Who would you who would you put up there in history? Against him there's one name that comes to mind. One of the like, emperor, like Alexander the Great. Alexander the Great is truly the one, yeah. So I'm okay.

I would say Einstein. Dude, he called black holes, that's crazy. That's wild to do. Alexander the Great did some crazy shit. And I just, that's just pure intuition I don't know the half of the tenth of what he did no Caesar's got to be up there one of the Caesar's That was in an era where there was not too much like parody

There wasn't much parody in the success game sure Phelps I think Phelps is like historically disrespected too. He doesn't get the credit he deserves I think it's cuz it is it because it's swimming Yes, and like that Usain Bolt was also running concurrently and A lot of people prefer him as a champion What the key is more relatable he was vilified I can understand speed on land I think Michael Phelps sir he was vilified from first looking at a bomb. Yeah

They acted like he hit a bong. Yeah. He acted like he hit a bong Jun Ho with a punch. Remember that? The bong hit. Yeah, we brought it up. Holy shit. He's a piece of shit. He smoked weed. Yeah. Damn.

Same with Laramie Tunsell, the offensive tackle. Who's that? He was supposed to get drafted really high and then Somebody hacked into his Twitter and tweeted out him wearing like a bong gas mask and he was drafted even higher the The old miss guy right? Yeah, he wasn't old. Yeah, that's somebody tweeted that the look he was undeniably smoking weed Dude he looks like a plague doctor. He wasn't just around it or holding it. He's quite... That's green grab has one of my favorite things

that is not often seen, and that is when a bigger fella has a shirt that is also suffering the effects of obesity. Yeah, I don't think that was meant to be a V-neck. That's a sagging collar. That's a sagging C, yeah. This dropped on draft night. Yeah, draft night from his account. That's not second call. That's a second C, yeah. This dropped on draft night. Yeah, draft night from his account.

That's not his agent though. Millions of dollars, right? But he has gone on to have a very decorated NFL career. So I do feel good about how that has aged. Just from his own account is really funny. All right, stinky, listen up. Mando, it's the whole body deodorant, safe to use anywhere on your body,

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Stella Blue Coffee, great purpose, better coffee. Legend or goat, Jada Pinkett Smith. Neither. Yeah, that was a decoy. God damn it, what? We almost fell for it. Yeah, some aren't, some aren't. Oh wow, that would've been so embarrassing

if I said she was a goat. She's starting to look more and more like Obama. She does. She's the Michael Jordan of Larsa Pippins. That's pretty good. She's the Michael Jordan of Larsa Pippins Yeah, she is like she's like um She goes on podcasts and talks about like Exes and how she loved to fuck him and stuff like she's I she just doesn't love will know

Which is crazy to pocket and she yes she did she's gone on a podcast talking about that August how that's her like Yeah, that was tough. I'll apiece you too. She does rather Yeah, she does Yeah, shame. Why'd you throw that decoy in there? It's like some of these Superstars from Maryland aren't legends and goats, but okay most are Cal Ripken jr. Yeah Yeah, but like I get no go to what attendance attendance attendance goat Frederick Douglas goat male slave Harriet Tubman goat female slave

He's not wrong about that. No god damn it Douglas is a big fucking deal. I kind of didn't realize how big of a deal he was when did you open your eyes to? Douglas I'm reading this grant biography. Oh, oh 958 pages and I have 58 pages to go Wow, so you've learned most of what you could learn Well, that's how I had all those grant facts. I like those facts. But that he Douglas is Douglas is a big deal. Yeah, he's like one of the guys we know from that movement. He's got a good look. Sturdy I don't know what he looks like.

With you on that. That's where he's never smile. That's where my knowledge begins and ends. Frederick Douglass, Martin Luther. Knowledge begins and ends it's Frederick Douglass Martin Luther There's a hundred year gap between black guys that anyone knew Dude it's like um when Frederick died it would be a while Ireland didn't have any inventions for 300 years after the invention of whiskey Is that true? Yeah? They just didn't have anything else there's also probably some shit going on there, but

Yeah, there was a hundred year gap between fame with black guys Yeah I'm trying to think who was in the middle of you can be sandwich in that hundred years now There were definitely it was Jesse Owens before Mike I'm okay. That might be like the same well wasn't Jesse Owens in it in my wrong Hitler Hitler watched him Okay, so it's for that's the so that would be before Jesse Owens was a conservative Republican Huh I

Would say that's like borderline you could you could argue that Jesse Owens achievement at the Olympics rifles Michael Phelps because of the political impact God that was a gay sense. Yeah, yeah, it was gay. It's the political impact I mean he didn't get stage fright in front of Hitler Would you be nervous in front performing in front of him if you were podcasting he was right there He was right there right there watching you Yes, yeah, what if you're a podcasting he was right there. He was right there right there watching you Yes, yeah, yeah, what if you're way funnier He was laugh. I would want to make him what do you want to make him laugh if Hitler was at a comedy show

Would you want to make him laugh? I want to make everyone laugh regardless of race creed belief system Overwhelming anti-Semitism. Yeah. They really get your humor. If I'm doing a lot of pro-Semitism jokes and I see that one guy in the crowd is not laughing,

I'm going to sprinkle. Switch it. You got it, man. You're a giver. I'm going to sprinkle. I'm watching that guy, and I'm watching his mustache twitch and saying How can I get that womb room? Turn into a full smile He would love you would it be bad for your career if like

Like if they found your comedy on like Osama's hard drive. I think would be good. That's funny That's funny. I don't know. I don't think it would be good. That's funny. That's funny. Um, I don't know. I don't think it would be bad. No. I'm Osama's favorite comic. It'd be so random. He had funny shit on his hard drive. Cause he had Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle

smoking a joint with like two bottles of pouring lean behind him. Yeah, he had memes. He was like a good curator. Smoking a joint with like two bottles of pouring lean behind him He was like a good curator that's he would have loved you Francis he had memes on his hard drive That's how you get memes in Pakistan Selling them on the street 25 memes no they were on the end of that there That's what he had that on his hard drive dude in the bazaar yeah, yeah, he had the Gandolfini squeezing spongebob

I Don't know if any of these are true And that'd be amazing he was an anime guy You either loudly are or aren't yeah Julia Lewis dry fist You either loudly are or aren't. Yeah. Julia Louis Dreyfus. Yeah, she's probably, I would call her a goat. Goat woman that dudes who hate women still fuck with. That's goat sitcom woman.

That's pretty specific. I was going to say goat, comedic actor. Yeah. Period. That's fair. Easily. Big time nepo baby. Didn't know that.

Like insane wealth, right? Yes, but I don't know that her parents had anything to do with Hollywood. No, no, no. But she was never struggling. An heiress, she is an heiress. I think her dad was either in like pharmaceuticals or something billions billions of dollars But her success is so independent of that that yeah

I think but isn't it easier to get into the arts and be bold when you don't really have to worry about I don't know man, I gotta say like That didn't help me at all sure it means you have a nicer apartment as you're going to open mics Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I still had to like rain right. I don't know I Having wealthy parents doesn't unless they're in the field and know someone that they can connect you to like In the field and know someone that they can connect you to Like Natalie Portman right yeah, so her parents were star Hollywood agents. I didn't know that and she got When she was a kid the movie with Leon Leon professional and then on to playing Padme and all that also in heat yeah heat

Was she in heat mm-hmm daughter damn? big you know you could argue because of The fact that like her parents were like telling casting agents and producers sure I just think it might be easier to take risks when you have a little bit of safety Yeah, I Guess that's true. I don't know I mean you could also argue like when you have a little bit of safety. Yeah. I guess that's true. I don't know. I mean, you could also argue like,

this is silly, but like from my experience, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, the whole time I was doing it, people were like, what the fuck are you doing? I'm not lumping you in. Yeah, of course. I'm not lumping you into this. I know.

And I don't take it personally. I just, I, there is a flipside to that which is like for the first two or three years as I was doing comedy. I the whole time I was like what the fuck am I doing. This is a waste of time. I should be taking my life seriously and that's why I started trying to go to law and all of your peers. Everyone around me was like dude your joke. Did any of your peers like sit you down like classmates like what you're really fucking up No, but nobody took me seriously nobody respected me yeah, and that sucks that sucks big-time that sucks a lot Yeah, you know I was kind of like the people related it to me being a ski bum for a couple years as I figured out

What I wanted to do Damn, that's that's what they called it someone said that to me being a ski bum for a couple years as I figured out what I wanted to do Damn, that's that's what they called it. Someone said that to me once really. Yeah. Oh, that's hurtful. Do you think they're just bad people? Yes, just blind. I think that I think part of it is that just the concept I wasn't like that funny so Nobody believed it would work if you were successful. I'm sure you're always No, I was outspoken. I wasn't that funny You don't you I think you were always funny. It's just I Wasn't funny like you guys are you're naturally funny. Yeah, you are dude. I That's kind you have a pen by the way You're funny with a pen I yeah, but I hadn't done any of that stuff I wasn't it like school or

whatever right now you are not credit hmm you weren't immersed in it were you like a surrounded by clowns who did like no I wasn't in the lampoon I wasn't yeah how old were you when you met your first goofball so you didn't even like in middle school or something but like they were far funnier kids growing up I just was always the guy who was willing to like Go as close to the edge of getting in trouble for a laugh as possible. That's funny, but I wasn't making everybody laugh. I Just took the biggest risks there. All right Yeah legend legend does not go She's a she's a she's a goat

Julie okay Mike Rowe obvious goat wait goat of what? Discovery Channel Francis Scott key wait no no Mike Rowe is the goat of what Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs I know who it is. He's the goat star host Oh Host who was the star of his show the oh No, what about bored ain't yeah bored ain't bored ain't or would Jeff probes? I?

Mean the way he blended in cowl comedy with occupational filth You're being very specific with these goats you're retrofitting your goatness. Mmm micro the fact that we're talking Damn I think he's a goat of Hosting he's the goat of voice. He's got a good voice fantastic voice his educational Inspirational philanthropic I inspirational, philanthropic. I mean you remember some of those.

Do you think he's ever done the joke that he has a micro penis? Before like with a chick and then it's huge? He's had to have. Told ya. You know he's, yeah. He's gotta have a big dick. Maybe he's a legend. We talked about What do we talk about him before with? One of his best episodes yeah, was it the pig farm. I thought it was like no was it The mobile Alabama barber shop. I don't remember that either

What was it the casino buffet? I don't remember that either. Was it the casino buffet recycling? I don't think so. I think it was the Roe v Wade. It was Roe v Wade. Yeah. Yeah. Anyways.

He had to wade through a flooded flood of plant parenthood. Post-Katrina. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. In New Orleans. Yeah, he had to go clean up the plant parenth the planet clean up the po fetuses Covered in fluids and yeah, that's the dirty job. That's the dirtiest job he had Yeah, so he's a maybe a legend no

Okay, fine. He legend but not goat. I got one say legend. I got one. Yeah American sniper Chris Kyle Chris Kyle is he from Maryland? I? Don't think so. I see Texas. Oh, we're just talking about general legends. Oh, I forgot. Yeah. Well, yeah, right You just pulled him out of nowhere. I was thinking goats. I forgot all these people were from Maryland. I yeah, it's crazy, right? I was thinking goats. I forgot all these people were from Maryland. I yeah, it's crazy, right? It's getting there a dirty job it's getting crazy did I did hey Francis I bartended at a sports bar That's all sports bars Phil. You know what you know what sucked about it was just your hands would get so pruney That's what I hated

That's what I I hate it Okay, that by the end of the night you were in I had wiped down the bar and spilled so many shots and so much Liquid over my hands that my hands were just pruney and I hated the feeling of them Nobody likes their hands being pruned. No Yeah, it's an even on a dirty job big time at the concrete plant shit I forgot concrete concrete plant was adjacent to the shit plant in Wheeling that oh my god on the ultra polluted Ohio hot days brutal And I didn't have much to do my boss was an obese man who just Sat in his seat in his office the whole time and he would piss in the trash can and

Have me burn it you had to burn this guy's piss He had me how do you go about burning piss? I would burn the trash can that had his piss in it and then I would just stand amidst the noxious piss fumes stack cinder That's like our moment in the show. Yeah That is the hardest. I think I've laughed and wait. What did you guys do? Oh most dangerous game just like on most dangerous game and me and Francis were just chilling by the fire and we're like I was finally go to bed and Francis stands up to piss on the fire and As he's peeing on it the wind shifts and it produces this like insane plume of steam piss and

The wind shifts like directly like up his nostrils into his high My own vaporized piss. You could actually see like a cloud. I could taste it. I could smell it. My pores were filled with it. It was, from my point of view, it was amazing. It engulfed him.

It was like he was self-immolating. No, it looked like that raging machine up in cover. Stepping off stage at a magic show. And then he couldn't rotate cuz he was mid piss right? Screaming he was like oh That's really fun. We had to put out the fire because it was still well burning so you know that was what we decided to do and It'll work out that well such a I will cherish that

And uh, didn't work out that well. Oh man, that was such a, I will cherish that so much dude. I could not have been hailed your own piss-clad. It was like World War, it was like, the closest I'll get to seeing World War I someone getting just direct hit with mustard gas. Wow. That was incredible. Wait, you had to, I don't understand why you had to burn piss. Cause he was too lazy to go to the bathroom. Was he one of the biggest people he was very he was not ever He was just standard very obese, okay?

But um but why didn't you just pour it out because he would piss in the trash can you can't then it's like I'm like stuck to garbage You burnt piss burn it by the river, but he did have to poop occasionally he wouldn't poop in the garbage. He would get in his truck and Drive to the shed with the bathroom across the driveway Like I could throw a pair of jeans and hit the bathroom from where he drove from Jeans are not aerodynamic at all you can't hurt very far short toss We should say who do you think can throw the jeans

the furthest out of us? Hmm. I'd like to think me. How are you doing it? You can't wad them, can you? You can't like wet them down? Definitely can't wet them down. Can you crumple?

I think you can crumple. You can't stuff them into their own pocket, you're saying. You can't create some cohesive. I don't think you can add weight. You can't. No adding their own pocket you're saying you can't I don't think you can add weight you can know adding weight Can you tie them sure you can do whatever you want with the pair of jeans? But that's the only thing you're throwing is anything well, then it doesn't seem that hard Would you guys like to settle this what's will be actually have a strategy in my head? I have a strategy in my head my head and I already I already kind of lent That means let's find a pair

Try that I think I would have a different let's okay good, okay? We'll end the episode with a gene toss later move. Yeah, we'll take your pants later I mean would you are you free after mini golf to toss yeah, okay? I got tons of time for gene tossing Wow okay, we'll do the gene toss off I think Unbias it might be me yeah, yeah cuz anything throwing your life is pretty I'm best throwing. It's like it's physics I'd like to settle all right Francis Scott key. Yeah legend legend anthem writer Yeah, I

know legend Create writer am I unpatriotic for saying I still think that America the beautiful Is that the name of the song That's not our anthem Should be the anthem. I think it should be proud to be an American by Lee Greenwood. It's good Keep up with the times a little bit a more modern anthem. I guess Spangled isn't like catchy I with the times a little bit, a more modern anthem, I guess. Spangled isn't like catchy.

I don't know what it is. I don't think it's beautiful, the anthem. I know, but like what, I don't know what spangled means. Do you know that, I think that America the Beautiful, is it America the Beautiful, is that the name of it? Oh beautiful for Spain. I know what you're talking about. That's the song, right?

I think that's the name. Yeah. What's that? I think that is it. I think it is too. That I think should be the anthem and Australia also has a national anthem in an unofficial national anthem and Most people think that the unofficial national anthem should be the anthem. Do you know what that song is? No

The Veronica is untouched. What's an Australian AC DC something from AC DC or the Wiggles Walt sing Matilda. Oh Why would that be? That's the song that everyone sings. I don't know that how does that go? once a jolly jumbuck camped by the billabong under the shade of a cool about tree And he sang as he watched and waited till his billy boiled. You'll come a Waltzing Matilda with me That Walt that is good. come a waltzing Matilda with me that Walt's that is good I like that waltzing Matilda That's no come a waltzing Matilda with me

Yeah, that should be it down came the jump up to drink from the billabong up Jumped the swag man and grabbed him with glee. It's it's so good Wow is really good. How did you know this? Well, we used to have a thing called Pachanga Who's we my school? Okay. I went to a very very progressive private school from first to eighth grade It was too progressive. How so? It was too progressive. How so? You know we had genderless bathrooms before everyone even knew what that would do to the toilet seats for girls I Mean they were we had to have like sit-down meetings like literal sit down like you got a demonstration

Boys were forced to sit on our Spattered seats to know a lesson. know that we had to lift them up. But we had a Spanish teacher named Lynn, and she came in in third grade and changed everything. This is in Maine? Yeah. Because up to that point, we were pretty much an English-speaking school And then she kind of came in with her views and just made everyone think that we needed to learn Spanish and she changed lower school sing Which happened on Wednesdays? To Pachanga which means the gathering in Spanish and what was the gathering and nobody even fact-checked that translation? I'm not certain.

It might not be. It might have been like, you know. Was she a Spanish woman? All wizard clan meeting. Nobody knows. Was she a Spanish woman? I never saw her papers, but like, you know. She was illegal.

She was definitely fluent. I'll give her that. You know she was she was she was definitely fluent. I'll give her that So anyway we would do we would do a lower school sing it was a K through five and Mark Seeger who was the head of school? And then the head of the music Chris Bevin Would sit with guitars in the front of the gym and then everyone would be in a sort of

Semi-circle around them and we would sing a bunch of songs. And Waltzing Matilda was one of them. That was one of the ones we sang. No, the only Spanish thing, wow, we did sing one other Spanish song altogether and we would do it in rounds. Coco, co, co, re, co, co, re, co, ra. Your schooling was so much different than ours.

Mi gallo se mullo ayer, Coco Rico ra your schooling was me guy. I was a moody oh, I am me guy Oh say moody. Oh, I am y'all know can't are a coco. Rico, Kora that one I know not at all. We we did a lot of songs in the round. We did one that went like this Okay, I'm gonna teach it to you guys. Can we just try it really quick? Oh, yeah, me for one second, of course Okay, so it goes like this the first rap the first verse is the chickens the chickens got into got into the toe may toes Right, okay The chickens the chickens they got the chickens the chickens got into got into the toe may toes

The chickens the chickens got into got into the toe may toes Then the next one is even the rabbits inhibit their habits when carrots are green. Even the rabbits inhibit their habits when carrots are green. And then it's seven squashes. Ready? Squash, squash, squash, squash, squash, squash, squash. So seven of those. Why? Listen, you're asking the wrong guy. Again, I said Lin had an agenda. I don't know what it was. I didn't learn about squash till college.

Yeah. Learn about squash. Yeah, that was a whole. What do you mean? I didn't learn about squash from this song either. I can't say that that was what taught me about squash. Our music class was nothing. By the way, you don't sing this you you in this incantation

Seven squashes right So let's let's just try this really quick, so it's seven squashes, okay So we're gonna start with Rudy with the first verse right the chickens the chickens got into that into the toe may toes Even the rabbits inhibit their habits when carrots are green But when he said when he starts the second verse you're gonna start the first I can't do this I can't and then you're gonna start after he's on to the second. Okay, can we try it really? Say chickens got into got into the toe may toes even the rabbits who inhibit their no no no who even the rabbits

Inhibit their habits when carrots are green and then seven squash squash squash, okay So are we ready here we go with Rudy to begin the chickens the chickens got into got into the tow may toes Yeah, okay, the first one the chickens the chickens got into got into the tow Second one I have to wait until he's done you have to wait till his verse ends and we need to stay on rhythm here It's very important. Okay, and then what is he saying? He's saying the same thing you're saying as you move on to the second verse and I'm saying the second verse while he's saying the first That's exactly right off. Okay, but wait, we don't have to do this. In fact, I'm over it. You're over it Even the rabbits inhibits their habits. Here's what I'll say

We brought up a story from our school on the yak This all blends weirdly. Well, you'd think it wouldn't they're very disparate words. What was your favorite thing to do the squash? The squash was pretty fun because they always counted it out on their fingers very I remember Chris Bevin I mean he didn't have to use his guitar at this time. So he would go squash squash. He's very demonstrative Yes, yes as if he was telling people how to exit this was Chris Bevin's Chris Bevin. Yeah, okay whose daughter Chloe was wonderful I don't know what she's up to You just I you just had like a million thoughts rushing to your head just now. I feel weird right now five six Seven eight the chickens the chickens got into got into the toe

made toes Kyle the chickens got into got into the chickens the chickens the chickens got into the squad no you're not there yet Kyle I was five when we got this okay. Oh well Yeah, we have you know what information. I'm over watch. Did you ever watch a teacher's surgery? What's that our science teacher miss loafman got back surgery and showed it to the class? Yeah, we had to watch her surgery on television She got it filmed for us and nobody believed us we brought up on the act But then some other people were like yeah our teacher had surgery and we watched it okay so it is a thing yeah I remember it vividly I remember how yellowish orange her back

was with whatever they rubbed on there mm-hmm it was a spooky hue yeah that's what it was I had on miss Lofman we only had her for one year I had on scary man we had a run of just like you know how the professor of dark arts in Hogwarts it was just every year something would happen? That was our science teacher. I had died in a... One of the teachers died in your sister's class, mid-class. What? Mr.

Wasn't it, it was defense against them. I remember that. Yeah, that's what it, what did I say? Professor of the dark arts. Oh, my fault. They were defending against them. Some of them. Logic and,

logic and. I would have thought that would have been more fun that didn't go the way I had hoped Well, it was I think we're we just can't do it. You wanted us to be like really good at it I just thought we'd have it. I am tone deaf. It's too hard. It's not tone. I think it's a rhythm. Yeah, it's rhythm You don't have rhythm. You have no rhythm none By the way one last thing about Pachanga this is your song we also saying to Slave spirituals, no kidding. What's your slave spirituals? One like this down the water one Are you describing blue follow the drinking gourd?

follow Follow the drinking gourd follow The drinking gourd for the old man is a coming for to carry you to freedom if you follow the drinking gourd Drinking gourd is the Big Dipper, right? Oh, okay points to the North Star heard that we did Wade in the water Wade in the water. Mm-hmm. I Don't remember. What is what is that? It's another slave song. We had another one that went like this. Come on up, I got a lifeline, come on up to this train of mine. She said her name was Harriet Tubman.

Oh, I remember that. And she rode for the Underground Railroad. Do you accidentally disconnect your Bluetooth playing this when you're on a sketchy train car? With my windows down and singing along Drive through Baltimore I Switched to Bob Dylan as quickly as possible However when I'm out running away at night, I do keep it as my compass.

It's my guide song. Follow the victim. Yeah, where am I going again? Oh yeah, I live in Maine. Gotta get up there. I don't live in Maine, I live in New York. Yeah, but that was, that did in hindsight, the fact that we were a predominantly white school

felt a little cultural appropriation-y to sing those spirituals. But you were learning them. You were probably like, you weren't doing it disrespectfully. Except that when I would come home from spring break with cornrows in my hair, it took on a new meaning. Oh yeah.

But you guys were probably not racist. No. You didn't have any field experience. Speak for yourself, Kyle. Oh, but you guys are probably not racist. No you didn't have any feel So I was fair was main, but I'm saying you have no like direct Fields experience to be real experience You don't have any hands-on exam like you have nothing to be racist toward actively field experience

Jesus-christ are marshal legend or goat? I don't know enough. Was he a Supreme Court justice? I think so. He's probably the most famous Supreme Court justice. No? Not anymore. Marshall court? I think I think Ruth took it. What? Yeah. I mean more people know Ruth Bader Ginsburg than thirdurgood Marshall. RBG? Yeah. Yeah. He was one of the names. Logic. No, he's not a goat of what?

I guess not. Popularizing, calling the suicide hotline. Yeah. He is, he is the whitest guy that can say it. So that was his thing, he came out as black yeah, he did yeah Yeah, they did Who is that all from Baltimore? He's not a legend or goat Kevin Durant

Maybe neither. What's he know now? He's in the discussion of what? scores legend maybe of what scores legend maybe like school is alleged twitter you go to better than legend now yes go to bed mike it's yet for fine he's a legend tom clancy go i like that go war author rainbow six yeah a lot yeah it was a great show war author Frank Zappa.

Goat, of course. Weird goat. He's not a goat. Maybe not. Pete Sampras. Was a goat. Yeah, Gervonta Smith, I think is the name. Who's that? I think he's a goat boxer.

Davis? Yeah. Is it Smith? Little guy. Oh, it's Davis. Oh, fuck. Yeah, David Hasselhoff. Is it Smith little guy oh fuck Yeah, David Hasselhoff black China black China is probably a Legend

It's that's speed streams right now oh Yeah, no that oh Oh Yeah, no that oh she spells it with one scene okay, who is uh? That's right as in the Italian blatch That's what I think that's what she does. Yeah Wow, and then um that's what I was who's the who a blue faces baby mama? whose blue faces Yeah, Sean rock Chris Sean and

face on Chris Sean yeah Sean rock Chris Sean and Chris Sean jr. Her name is black china, but she was born Angela Renee white Wow can you believe that what if you really rebelled mm-hmm? That's cool. You guys ever think about changing your name um I think if like somebody in my family like my dad got caught in like a huge scandal There's so few tyrannies. Yeah, I think I would change it Well, if you had like your pick though, like if you're doing a stage name like black China, oh Say like we were musicians or a barstool employee. Yeah, I'd be white Nepal. That's cool Paul is good. Um, I always wanted to be Perkins Cole That was always an alter ego. I would use first name Perkins last name Cole thought that would be cool Perkins Cole is awesome

Thank you Continue that yeah Perkins Cole. Yes, that's a really good name. I love Perkins It's it's like to be Perkins Cole. You can't be Perkins Cole. You just Elton John to me. I'm Perkins Cole No, you're not doing Jones. No you can't I have to be Dean Joe you're Dean Jones I call you Dean Jones more than your actual name all right. I'm Dean Jones You can be Perkins Cole, but you're not gonna say it because you're jealous. I'm not gonna call you it You're seething right now. Oh my god. It's good. I'm Perkins Cole It's good. It's not a bad name. You don't like it

It feels backwards to me. Maybe that's your point. I think Perkins is like a cool name It's like everybody loves it when Perkins shows up and then just a strong last name I know I just keep wanting it to be Cole Perkins, but that's too obvious. Sorry. I can't do that. Mm-hmm. I understand You're not a bibliography. What would you be Francis? Did you get that? Because of the last name first? Correct. Yeah. I haven't thought about it too much. You know, I'm pretty happy with my name. It doesn't exactly jump off the page, but it doesn't Frank Ellis sounds like a old old baseball player. Yeah, I think it fits you pretty pretty well. That's fine Yeah, I like I really like the last name Ellis. It's a good last name

It feels historic to me. Like the island. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's old. I like that. You'd be a cool Sylvester Sylvester Rudy Janda seems like a fake name. It does we got Ellis Island What you got you they wrote it wrong? Yeah. Yeah, but it was still Janda, but it was DZ you NDA But still pronounced Janda, which is that would have been a nightmare Slavic shit shanda. Mm-hmm. Yeah Your Francis you I think like a Sylvester typhoid. Do you like that? Yeah, sly. Yeah, it's no Perkins Cole at all. It's not White Nepal feels like a really big departure from the from yours. Yeah, I

Feel kind of silly. White Nepal. It's not bad. W-Y-T-E. I need to address some rumors somebody sent me. What? On the Yak Reddit, somebody sent me a screenshot. Somebody's accusing me of having a pencil fetish.

There it is. Got you there. And I just want to say you're absolutely right They've done they did a lot of research that made me realize that I talk about pencils a ton And like I guess pencils have been brought up on the yak like 86 times Or no like 94 times and 86 times. I was the I guess is catalyst. Yeah, and you would weave them in unseamlessly I noticed this yeah Somebody really did research, and I think I do love pencils, and I that's a fine thing to like

To fetishize I don't fetishize pencils. Do you know that Frankie Borelli collects them? from golf courses the scorecard pencil is a keepsake and Many golf courses will The scorecard pencil is a keepsake and many golf courses will have their own branded scorecard pencil. Quite short. They're tiny. Yeah, they're very small. Some people will create a display in a frame of all the pencils of all the golf courses they've played. Do you collect anything? I have historically, yeah. In fact, I could probably trace my life from one obsession to the next I think I think a lot of us can I'm I've been like that yeah, Kyle you you're a phase guy a phase guy, but you've never collected

I've never collected as a kid. I did quarters pennies rocks, but what is your what do you collect? well, I go back as early as It was Power Rangers Action figures then it was Star Wars action figures I did that and I remember Caleb Slabbert broke the lightsaber the green lightsaber from Luke and I Told him that they were so hard to replace But he didn't care. I I lost the wings to my Greedo which was a real shame not as bad as losing a lightsaber but a Greedo without wings yeah what is

that if you play with them they're not you're not collecting them no correct well I think I was a keep in the box kid with some stuff really yeah some Star Wars stuff I had like the the dueling obWan, Qui-Gon, Darth Maul figures, kept them in the box, never put batteries in them. And I think my mom sold them at a garage sale. All that for nothing. I used to love collecting the, I guess I would play with them, so I don't know if it counts,

but the, remember, I think it was McFadden, the little miniature football players? Yeah. Those were cool. They had like Ricky Williams. Yeah, they still do that. Deuce McAllister that. I was a pog guy too. What's that? Yeah, pogs were big, but I didn't that didn't bite catch me didn't sink its talents The Boy Scouts in our area sold pogs they did yeah Logan Sider. I bought him off Logan Sider

Then I went to basketball cards then Magic the Gathering card You're a Magic the Gathering guy? guy elected him never knew how to play the game Oh, I played the game for too long. I was a poser. I was a poser Yeah, the cool artwork my mom thought they were satanic and that's what made me want to get into him Yeah, my older cousin Tommy gave me his hand me downs. That's pretty cool I got my hand me downs from a very heavily smoking household though. I thought stormtroopers were yellow for like 10 years. I Watched the movie. I was like, this is what's this bootleg shit boy. These stormtroopers are quite jaundice Somebody get these boys some apples

Dan Bridgman taught me to how to play some abbreviated version of the game. Okay It's fun. I Would have liked to have learned it better and then from there I got on to model cars sort of were you building them or? But just buying buying the whole yeah, and then the NBA really got into me jerseys, okay? basketball cards big time From there, you know nothing now No right now. I'm in a bit of a freeze, self-imposed freeze. I don't know if you've seen the state of the economy,

but I don't pay attention. This isn't exactly the time for me to be indulging a new fetish. I've been reckless with Pokemon cards lately. New commercial fetish. Yeah, you've been on a Pokemon, bitch? I just buy them graded. I buy the weird, I've been reckless.

Wow. Reckless. I saw the ones you picked up those were some that was like that wasn't even a percentage of like the ones I have What's the most that you would be willing to spend at this time on a on a? grail Pokemon card um I think I have everything I really want you don't want a black shadow a shadow first edition Charizard a shadowless Charizard shadowless Charizard that's like 20 grand and like why what but but you know It's crazy how if you get a I never like Charizard it's 20 grand if you get a PSA 8. It's like

I've never been a Charizard guy. And mine's not about value. It's about the ones I've always wanted and liked, I guess. Yeah. I'm not really, because selling that would be impossible. I stole Charlie Thurston's Charizard. I ripped off a girl for her Charizard. I'll never forget it, but I hated her. She was a girl that went to, I was a Lutheran

when I switched into St. Vincent's. Ew. OK. And Lutheran, it's better that you got individual little cups for drinking your wine instead of sharing a fucking cup with fucking denture debris you guys were shallow Lutheran's Protestant right I don't know I think it's it's its own thing but it's it's probably closest to gotta be Protestant Martin Luther right yeah

95 theses yeah protestinged in the church. Left the church. Yeah. I switched when I was in kindergarten. So I had to take confirmation classes with the public school kids. Ew, yeah. Ew again.

And there was a girl, I was yawning after, in the class, and every time I yawned in class, she would, pff, in my mouth, she would blow. And I hated her. In your mouth? She was a twin. I despised her. And so she had a charizard and I traded her a couple

Charizard of the tops version for her real one, and that's the only charge I ever have I still have it to this day Well, that's yeah, you ripped her off. You're saying yes, because that was an unfair trade. Yes Hmm. I remember wanting a charizard more than anything. I've ever won it. yeah, mm-hmm, but then once you get it. What do you do? You look at it. Mm-hmm. Do you look at it you let it light? Hit it. I have it. It's not shadowless. I got a shadowless garrados today though But you just bought it. Yeah, it's in my bag It's not as fun that way I think the beauty of card collecting is not like paying large amounts of money because you have the means for one specific cards to

Pack them like collect. I think this is I think this is a hangover crying out for my last time. I was truly happy Yeah, there's an established. Yeah, it's a lot There's a respect to that too. Thanks. Yeah I think the thing that I was obsessed with that did bring me the most happiness was a razor scooter Yeah, there's a lot. There's a respect to that too. Thanks. Yeah. I think the thing that I was obsessed with that did bring me the most happiness was a Razor scooter. Oh my God, yes. With shocks and a wheelie bar.

Wheelie bar. Dude, the shocks. You had the one with the shocks? I did, I went all out. I mowed so many lawns. God damn, yeah, I had the, what color was yours? Green, I got the green. But dude, it was so back ordered

that I remember Just every day Desperately hoping that when I got home from school it would finally have arrived and didn't But it and then one day it did come I got mine on Christmas I had the black I wanted the black one with clear wheels black handles clear wheels. Good God. They're all that was I got a micro That was the brand of scooter you had? Yeah not a razor. You never had a razor? No. I mean they'd be super practical for like now. I would love it. Dude when I first moved to New York I took a I

rode a scooter. Same I bought one. A push scooter. I had a big bigger wheels though much much bigger I would I would push it. YP gave me a legitimate razor scooter. You had a razor? Yeah. And you were taking it around the city? I'd take it. YP gave me a legitimate razor scooter. You had a razor? Yeah. And you were taking it around the city? I'd take it to work. They're foldable, they're really awesome. It actually is so fun.

I do think it's very practical. In New York, it actually is a very legitimate, good way to get around the city. Skateboarding is not efficient. No. I tried to rollerblade to work one time and it was, That can't be. It felt like the Trail of Tears.

It's like what? I remember from the commercial. It was fucking terrible. It was's like what I remember from the commercial Remember the marketing it was eight pounds foldable. It was like a bunch of business people putting them into their backpacks I can feel the handlebars right now. Oh, yeah that felt yeah Yeah, what were you doing on them any tricks um I remember they were too low that would always like bottom out I think I could jump I got to a point where I could do a tail whip No, you cut it in and that felt really really cool That does the problem with it was that if you didn't get it right and you hit yourself in the shin

Horrible, it was the worst injury one could sustain and there's a guy and maybe you've seen him on Instagram Who does these workout videos? Where he oh I saw him that he spins razors into his shins He's doing squats and he sends them on a swing somehow to bash him in the shins as he does it I don't understand I get the bit I just don't get how he how much time in between videos is he going this is fucking insane because you really need to You really need to let this heal before you can because that has to break skin doing Is that making it?

Viral no, that's it's on a top. Oh, that's fucking horrible. I like to think that there's just a family waiting They're like, please. Let's use the merry-go-round It's hard to watch man. I have a hard time with that. I Love my rate and yeah mook, I can feel those handlebars. I can smell them. I love that sensation. Like they said like you You can look at something and you know exactly how it would feel on your tongue. It's how the brain works and That I can just taste.

I think my dad caught me sucking on the end of the fucking razor. So I remember like there was like a string at the end of the handle you could pull I was doing it my teeth, and I think my dad's caught me doing that yeah I get it though. I would want to taste that yeah, I would always Chomp on like the Xbox controller appendage Glicket I got like a grip of a calculator stuck in my braces once I go to the orthodontist A grip of a calculator stuck in my braces once. And I had to go to the orthodontist. Oh yeah, I loved, I was never a pencil or pen chewer though.

I thought that was gross. Oh, I can taste it. I'm a kid in our class, our music class, and Mrs, what was her, what was our music teacher's name? We had a few, Mrs. Fowler? Romantic. No.

Mrs. Flatley. Flatley, Mrs. Flatley's class, Schilling-Roedocker choked on a pen cap and she had to give him Heimlich Oh my god, he was the P he had more pens than he did most food Like to this day and yeah, he was a pen eater. Wait a minute. This is a real Sophie Turner autographed card. Yeah What what yeah mook has a mook's crazy collection looks deep in the game Yeah, you would you have a Jack Gleason card

Oh, yeah, there isn't an IP real or fake that MOOC doesn't have like some sort of proof. I think is an ET signed card I'm into it cool collection Wow, dude good for you. Sorry. I'm sorry. What was what's your most expensive piece? Me yeah, uh right now I used to have a lot I saw I sold all my big stuff But like probably I probably have like a thousand fifteen hundred dollar card Jesus. What was that? I well I had a Justin Herbert rookie that was worth like thirty five hundred I sold it at its peak, but good for you. I spent with like shipping and fees

It was five sixty for that Yankees ticket. Yep, which was stupid of me Dude, this is nuts Dude that shit's so fun. We're getting the boys back get into the superscripts You have the autographs of Michael Vick Donovan McMabb Ben Roethlisberger and Byron Leftwich Yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah Byron Leftwich You'll remember broke his leg playing playing for Marshall was carried down the field by his offensive lineman Do you remember that in order to? You know only after that board a plane that would land in a mountain yeah damn shame

It's like well. Why did it even matter if he? Healed his leg or not? I must went to school there. Marshall, Chad Pennington. Randy Moss. Randy Moss. Their soccer team won a national title. Yeah.

Recently, which is weird. Where is Marshall? Huntington, West Virginia. Oh. The pits of Appalachia. It's bad down there. Hmm. Did you guys read? Hillbilly elegy JD. Mm-hmm. I didn't I Heard the movie adaptation was pretty poor. I think it was it wasn't was it a movie or a sort of a miniseries?

What wouldn't know it sounds like you do. It was a Salinger JD Vance. Oh What is it a visit a biography? Salinger JD Vance oh What is it a visit a biography? It's his auto. Yeah, he's a Kentucky guy, Ohio, southern, Ohio That's where he moved to but he was originally from Kentucky. Okay, southern. Ohio is firmly Appalachia. Yeah Very much so it was a good book. I really enjoyed was it actually yeah his views were pretty different than then it's tough. Yeah, I think I know You couldn't read that on like the the the subway train right now, right?

Would you get people loved it when it came out? I mean he wrote it in I don't know 2012 or something like that It and when it came out both sides loved it it was it was a Interesting and measured snapshot of like poor white people which you know we can be poor too. Yeah, we can. Just so you know. It's hard even fathom. Not me. It's important to know. What are you reading in that Grant book right now? Yeah I'm almost done with it. Would you recommend it? Yeah well I like dense biographies of interesting figures. So if you're into that, great.

But there's other ones that I would start people on. I would, can I get that? Because I want to get into the people. You're reading about people, you want to read about people? Yeah, I want to get into that. Yeah. The Truman biography by David McCullough is unbelievable and it reads much more quickly. That's an unbelievable book. Okay. Truman, I like there's, you know, there's so many biographies of Washington

and FDR and Kennedy. But when you get some of the sort of a lot of people agree that Grant is the most underrated US president ever. Because you don't know, you don't know many people know much about him. People know about his war record and him as a general, but as a president. Ulysses is a good name. Maybe the best named president. Yeah, it's good, right? Reminds me of Perkins Cole.

Yeah, Grant Ulysses would be a better name. And he wasn't his real name though. What? No, that's not what he was named. He had a pen name for the presidency He was I think he was named. What was it? Can you look that up? There was some kind of mistake one of his teachers called him the wrong thing and then he just changed it James Joyce no

No, not here. Um, you listen s grant you got to do it born. Oh, maybe it's that the s higher means nothing Oh, I like that. How do you say that Kyle Hiram or Hiram? Hiram Ulysses grant there's a great passage in this book about how he was buddy not buddies, but like he Mark Twain was obsessed with him and In a celebration of Grant's presidency after it ended, there was a dinner that Mark Twain had written a speech about him for. And it was kind of a roast. And Grant famously was this very serious guy.

He didn't talk much. He kept the same expression on his face, and Twain was desperate to make him laugh. And he had written some jokes about him. And the whole theme of the speech was comparing him to a baby. And he said that his early role of being a general was him being an infant. And then when he became president, he was a toddler. The whole goal of which was to, you know,

somehow try to find a way to fit his foot in his mouth. And then his, like, punch line was that something like, based on his success alone, you'd have to say, like, he was able to fit the whole foot in his mouth. I don't understand it exactly, but the whole room burst up laughing and Grant, like, he was able to fit the whole foot in his mouth. I don't understand it exactly, but the whole room burst up laughing and Grant, like, fell over. And then Twain was so excited about having been able to make the president laugh

that he wrote all this stuff to his wife about, like, I made him laugh. No way. I made him bend over laughing. So he actually did. He, like, really loved it. I was Googling the other day. I forget it, but I was trying to like the first recorded joke

At like the first ever written joke, and I think it's like I think it has about a dog Or it might be one of the second ones. Oh It was to it was a toilet humor. Yeah Well, I was a poop joke 19 what did it say? It was like a it was a 19, what did it say? Beastie? It was like a, it was a, how do you entertain a bored Pharaoh?

You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the Pharaoh to go catch a fish. So not particularly funny, but I like it. There was one I read. It was pretty regional. Look up the first bar joke. Like the first walked into a bar.

A dog walked into a tavern and said, I can't see a thing. I'll open this one. That was 1900 BC Sumeria. Yes, that's the one I was looking at. I don't get it, but I laughed. It sounds really funny. Wait, wait, wait. Let's figure this out. A dog walked into a tavern and said,

I can't see a thing I'll open this one I'll open this? I don't know bar keeps or bar Owners were blind or I think it's because like the dog is too low to see a dog walks into tavern Nobody knows if it's funny people like have been trying to find the humor in it And it's just it's too lost in time to find the humor interesting, huh? But I think it would be a cool thing to like find the meaning of There definitely was like a caveman at one point where like he was like just walking by his buddy

Just sack tapped sack tap was probably the first joke or gut your nose That's one thing I want to memorize more is like just like common street jokes I think they're so fucking funny. They are well anyway I love the idea of the first guy who did the separated thumb and then people being like burn him at the fuck Yeah, the first guy that did it died. Yeah, because of it. Yeah Oh, yeah, the first guy that ever did the goat where he put his nuts or did the manjina they beat him with clubs They probably thought he's a woman. Yeah But that's a funny dude, there's probably some funny fucking caveman you think so no, I think they were probably bad I

Mean they would they would do one joke at the expense of another and I think probably just got murdered But one who just had a lot of fruit was probably the funniest one so happy Come I think I think you had a fight for survival so much that there wasn't humor wasn't a thing yet Like the first bored human was was probably well down the line of humanity well oh That's a good point. I don't know though dude being bored is a huge luxury It's a lot of things I read I just read read Sapiens and I don't think people were bored. No, they weren't.

Like when they were nomadic tribes, they worked less than we do now. Right, but they were just chilling. They weren't bored though. Chilling was awesome. It was probably like paragliding. I also think the first person to chill was probably- Holy shit. Probably had to teach people.

Why am I scared? It's the equivalent of a wingsuit right now. But you got to remember too that boredom is enhanced when stimulation grows and then in the absence of that stimulation, right? So there was a time when reading a long dry book was scintillating. I could argue we're more bored now because in between there's so much of White Lotus. We're comparing everything to short form video content that's curated to our own interests that we can watch in mass for as long as we want. Right. Whereas a hundred years ago you know having to

wait until the next book was published, you were a little more patient and able to fill that time with other diversions. You could literally just sit outside and look at them out. Yeah. I can't even like, I can't even like watch a plot develop anymore. Yeah, I know.

So I'll hurry it up. Look at YouTube. White Lotus was too slow of a burn for me. Yeah. Gave it up. It's bad. lotus was too slow of a burn for me. Yeah gave it up. It's bad I tried to watch the Fens treasure documentary. Mm-hmm, and I gave up after 10 to 20 minutes It was too but it's even different like if I'm watching it on a TV I can do longer but like if it's a phone video or like a non-professional like a something here if it's over 15 I'm just like okay. I have to really commit to this

Yeah, yeah Something here if it's over 15 I'm just like okay. I have to really commit to this yeah Yeah, and I usually have it real tall on the real small on the top corner my phone as I'm doing something else I watched the brutalist, and I still wish it was at three hours. I mean Yeah It was just I feel it really set me back Back what what do you mean? Well what I could have done in that time? Set me back back. What what do you mean? Well what I could have done in that time In three hours though, that's why I felt longer man. It was longer It was longer than that and there was an intermission during which I took a nap

Re oh wait you were in the theater and saw it. No. No I saw it at home And I it said intermission and you listened it And then restart and I started the second half I've uh It's too long the movies are too long and too serious Right like I I don't even have the attention span for food What do you mean like even meals are getting too boring? Every fork full of carbohydrates has to be covered in sauce

and I have to have a phone in one hand oh gosh yeah we need to we need to do a retreat guys just stop getting together and throwing jeans we gotta throw we gotta have a gene off let's go let's go heave jeans all right thank you so much man do you guys think you could oh are we done we can oh yeah we're. Do you think you guys could do a silent retreat for like a day or two? Do you think you could handle? Yeah, I wouldn't give up dude when I before this job I was living in Columbus, and I didn't have internet, and I think I went Probably a couple weeks at one point without talking That's a long time

Yeah, I would just I was. Yeah, I was really unhappy. Okay, well then if you were cast away on a deserted island, would you speak out loud? Yes. Yeah. Or would you just? I think eventually I would speak out loud. I speak out loud after like 20 minutes. I think I pride myself and how good at

Being alone I can be I was I Yeah, I can entertain myself do that I used to catch my dad speaking out loud when he was driving us places when I was a kid and I thought he was Crazy mm-hmm. I just learned that comes with life Now I find myself doing it. I rehearse like around around the house? I practice things that I have to say that are going to be hard. Oh, I do that. I do that. Oh, yeah. Angry addresses. Oh, oh, okay. I practice like phone calls. Difficult conversations where I have to hype myself up. I rehearse them.

What, like hypothetical or like ones you're about to have? Well, sometimes I think that I'll have to have them and then I get the whole speech ready and then I don't Gather the courage to do it. I just say like stupid voices really yeah, oh no I I'll say things out loud just to see how they sound damn dude. I should I be rehearsing. I'll rehearse lingo you Damn you press boy. Do you nothing more? Nothing more embarrassing than putting lingo in the wrong, like, form. Oh, yeah. Like when I was a kid and I was shoehorning fuck into things.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, saying something incorrectly or misunderstanding. I remember I misunderstood what a hand job was. That's right, yeah. It was fudging as fuck. I wore my pants to school backwards one day.

Nick did too. And it was so bad. How do you even do that? Oh my god they were they were filled with buckles and zippers and they were pants that you could turn into shorts oh and you weren't backwards let's just say there was a lot of a Kutra mall that made it hard for me to distinguish I wore tinted chapstick into work into high school one day as a what chat room tinted pretty burgundy pretty

dark and I didn't know I just took it from like the way You know the junk drawer that every house has before going to the bus stop put it on Made it to second period looked at myself, and I was I went home sick I went to the nurse and I was like I don't feel good couldn't wipe it off I got good. I did, but I was so fucking embarrassed. Yeah, it's embarrassing I used to go to the nurse. I went home probably 15 times freshman to senior year because I had to shit. Played sick had to shit. Did you go to the nurse? Yeah, well I would get sent home. Oh, I would diagnose the nurse. What do you mean? She was covered in shingles.

You've saved her life. You have shingles. Yeah, you've saved your life. You have shingles. You sent the nurse out of sick. You have just growths all over your skin. She was bumpy, but I don't think she had shingles. Yeah. All right. Thank you so much, Francis. It's been a pleasure. Thank you, Francis. We'll work on that song.

Oh, no. We won't. We'll never do it again. We'll do it as we're tossing jeans. We'll sing slave hymns while we're tossing jeans. Yeah. And we'll never do it. We'll do it as we're tossing jeans. We'll sing slave slave hymns while we're talking jeans We get three weight in the water some Huckin lees and Yeah, all right appreciate you guys god bless