A Problem Squared - A Problem Squared - Emergency Episode!

Episode Date: September 15, 2025

Unfortunately, Matt has been ill and lost his voice so we were unable to record the episode that should be coming out this week.To make up for it, we are releasing an episode of the usually-Patreon-only I Am A Wizard for you to listen to. It's the one from April this year and features a magical offer from our listener who is, apparently, a wizard - USBinPRL. But we begin with a message from Bec, who can still speak.If you want more wizarding silliness then join our Patreon at patreon.com/aproblemsquared - you'll get access to all the past episodes of I Am A Wizard, a new wizard episode every month, and early access to all episodes of A Problem Squared!Normal Service will be resumed in Two Weeks!

Hello, it's your favourite host of a Problem Squared, Beckhill here to let you know that poor Matt has lost his voice. And so we haven't been able to record the episode that was coming out today. He sends his apologies. But as a treat for you guys, we are releasing what we normally only release to our Patreon supporters, our bonus podcast. I'm a wizard. That's right. We've got a special episode that we're going to air for everyone to have a nice that'll listen to. If anyone unfamiliar with this, I'm a wizard started out as

a game that Matt and I would play to warm up before recording. And then we figured why not just record it. So the premise is that our Patreon supporters will pose as wizards. They say that they're going to gift us some kind of magical spell, but with a caveat. And then Matt and I discuss whether we would take said spell or curse and how that would play out. You know, kind of deal with the devil kind of thing. For some context, when we recorded this, Matt had just started cycling again after being told by a doctor to take a break for a while, and he was training for a gravel race.

Now, spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't listened to episodes since May, but Matt did end up breaking his arm by falling off of his arm. bike while in Perth and therefore didn't get to go in said gravel race in the end anyway. So feel free to tease him about that later. Listening to I'm a Wizard is the closest you'll get to listening to what it's like to be hanging around Matt and I. So if you're enjoying this episode, remember that you can get access to our entire back catalogue of I'm a Wizard episodes on Patreon.

That's patreon.com forward slash a problem squared. There you can also get access. early access to our Problem Squared episodes, but that's enough from me. Normal service will resume in two weeks when we'll be back with our next and incredibly up-to-date episode. Until then, bye. I am a wizard. I am a wizard. I am a wizard. I am a wizard. I am a wizard. Hello, everybody. And thank you for joining us for a quick whiz.

where Petriot supporters of a Problem Squared come together to declare whether they are or are not a wizard. And our first ambiguous could be a wizard is Beck Hill. Hi. There we go. And I'm Matt Parker. And we record this first because this is how we sound when we first start recording a podcast. Yes. And after a while, we get into a good.

them and then we record the real one. But this is the behind the scenes goodness that you've all paid so much money for with such sparkling catch-up banter as Beck, how have you been? Yeah, good. Yeah, isn't it funny how like in a lot of, it, usually what happens is you get the basic version for free and then you pay to get like a premium version of something, like the better version of something. We're doing it backwards. We're like, everybody gets the The better thing for free. And if you pay us, we'll give you a slightly less good thing. Is it more personal?

I feel like it's more personal. It is more personal. And I'll argue more fun. Less prepared, more fun. That's what I say. Laura, producer Laura Grimshaw, just nodded at that, which I'm also going to take as easier to edit. Yep. Yeah, it takes out anything slanderless, scandalous, scandalous.

slander. I like slanderless. That's a good one. Anything slanderless? Yeah. Put it on the internet. Hmm. What about?

I went paddle boarding. You were paddle boarding? I went paddle boarding on Saturday and there were dolphins. Like standing up paddle boarding or like sitting down kayaking style? I was standing up and I didn't fall in once. Yeah. Congratulations. Let the listeners know I look smug.

Eush. Beck looks very smug right now. Yeah, the dolphins came right up to us. My friend Sim took my other friend, Adele and I out to the dolphin sanctuary at Garden Island in near Port Adelaide. Yeah. Fantastic. Because you're still living the Aussie life.

I'm still in the UK. Yeah, but I'm only here for a few more days. That's true. You're back. Can you not tell from how depressed I look? This is, you know, this is the behind the scene scheduling that the listeners are here for. Because when we were chatting about the next record, You're like, oh, I get back, and I can record from this date.

And I fly out to Australia literally the next day. Yeah, yeah. There's like... Perfect timing. If there'd been so much as one more day give, we might have been able to sneak an in-person record in. But no. No, you land.

Next day, boom. Well, there's a day where I'm packing and then gone. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, I could try and record the day I get back because I get at like 6 a.m. But I was like, back. You're not even good at records when you're awake. And you've had a full night sleep in the same time zone.

How have you been? Yeah. No, good. I've started doing some cycling again, a little bit. Oh. Not every day. Danger cycling. As I was doing last year.

Yeah. What's your doctor say about that? They haven't been asked for comment. Matthew. No, I'm fine. I'm doing my stretches and I'm just cycling carefully. Look at my posture. Look at this.

Does this look like a guy who's pecks are too tight? No. You know there's other forms of exercise? I'm unfamiliar with them. That don't lead to like heart pain. It's not heart pain. It's a muscle near the heart pain. Very, very different.

Well, that was the theory. I like low impact exercise. I like exercise where I travel a substantial distance. So, cycling. And I've got this stupid gravel race I've signed up for in May when I'm back in Australia. A gravel race sounds awful. It's not like an eating competition. No, I think it sounds like you're swimming through gravel.

Oh, right. That's not far off for some bits. Imagine if a gravel race was how fast you could fill your pants with gravel. Now, I don't want to shame anyone who competes. But you can fill loads. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's not the gravel I'm particularly worried about.

Well, it is. The gravel is part of what I'm like. The friction is part of it, the lack of. The inclined plainness of it is the other. So I'm currently signed up for the 70 mile lap. And I haven't got my fitness back to a point where I could do 70 regular miles on normal, normal ups and downs on a road with decent amounts of friction. So I'm a little nervous.

I've signed up for a lot of hills. So I might downgrade to the, there's like a 50-mile version, so I might dial it down a category. Maybe. Maybe that's a good idea. Yeah. I signed up at the peak of my cycling. Incidentally, a friction-heavy lap is also part of my gravel race

where you fill up your pants, the gravel. Oh, really? Oh, is it different types of gravel? Hey, the hardcore. It's hardcore, hardcore, hardcore. That's the slogan for the whole. It's right, yeah, yeah. With or without fines, I find that makes a big difference to my speed.

Without fines, did you say? Without fines, because you can buy some types of gravel where it's like a set size and smaller, so you get like the smaller fines and powder and stuff, or you can buy gravel, which is like all one consistent size. I think that's right. I've never heard of it called fines. I might have made that up. If only we had a producer who's fact-checking this, I assume, as we speak.

We don't pay a producer to fact-check, I'm a wizard. I think that their money's not going towards this. I think they would want a little bit of their money going towards fact-checking me, just in my daily life. Yeah, we have to save that for the actual show. Yeah, oh, good point. Yeah, our fact-check spend is getting out of control. But fines in the context of gravel refers to the small dust-like particles of rock, smaller than the typical gravel size, often used for conaction and binding purposes in landscaping and construction.

Now who's looking smug? Right. There you go. Thank you. So you should have more belief in yourself. Now, I'm glad this has become a gravel podcast. I'm a gravel. I'm a gravel. I wonder if there's any wizards who have thoughts about gravel otherwise.

Otherwise, yeah. We've been to get a lot of gravel-related wizardry coming in soon. Yeah, there's no gravel. I hate to grovel for gravel. But we do have a wizard. Their name, I assume, is USRB-N-P-R-L, but it might be Usurban-P-P-R-L. I know. I'm familiar with this user.

Yes, they are a long-time supporter of indeed this podcast and other things I do. So they say, I am a wizard, and I have been trying. to fix my prosopagnosia. I'm almost there. Anytime you meet or interact with a person with whom you've previously interacted, you will immediately recall everything you know about them, including the context surrounding how you know them. This also works for telephone calls and emails. So you will never forget another person. Oh, heck yes. You're on board. I'm on board immediately. I need this. Also, I'm guessing that's linked to what their thing is. But I don't know. Maybe they've just got a bad gravel rash and that's the scientific name for it. And in the meantime, they also have the power to do this. By the way, I just unrelated, bit itchy. Laura, you managed to pronounce that. I'm assuming perfectly. Did you look that up in advance?

There is a tab open on my screen that says pronunciation. Right. Good work. It is face blindness. And is that where you don't recognize people? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Face blindness. Cool. Yes. I would love this. Matt, you're quite good at remembering people. I find your memory for people is pretty decent. I know there have been instances where I'm like, who was that? And you're like, I have no idea.

But generally, generally, you're generally. You're quite good. I do a thing where I assume, because I forget so often, I now just assume that if someone seems vaguely familiar with me, I know them. And I've forgotten them. It does mean that several times I've then started to talk to them as if we know each other, and then they've said, we've never met. And then I go, oh.

Oh. Bye. And then you're paddleboard away. And then I paddle board away. That's right. Do you have a trick, Matt, for remembering people and faces? I think you're overstating my ability to remember people. Well, the problem is, as you've just said, if you're a person with any level of public profile,

people will say hi, which is lovely and recommended it when you're out and about. But they often don't distinguish themselves. You've got to quickly work out, is this someone who I don't know who's just saying hi? Or is there someone I know and they're going to be very offended? if I treat them like I have no idea who they are. So you've got to start real vague, real, oh, how's it going? Or something like that. But I would find this very useful because I'm not that good at remembering people's details.

And it's something that makes a big difference. People, like it matters. Like people take it personally. They'll say they don't care, but they take it personally if you forget them. so maybe with this skill set I'd change career like go into like business and networking that's kind of what you do already

but the business imagine I'll be in the business world I'll get a LinkedIn profile but I would argue that things like LinkedIn and stuff are for people like us who don't remember people like LinkedIn is good because it gives you a picture of the person and tells you what they are in their context to you this would be like inbuilt LinkedIn

in. Didn't you want to do a show where you memorize every audience member? Oh, damn it. I can't believe you remembered that, ironically. Yeah, that was an idea I had where I thought it would be really fun to learn how to memorize everyone's names. And then as they leave, say goodbye to them and, like, and say all their names. Individually. Yeah. Yeah. And then I was like, or do I just, do I just do a show where it's a big deal about how I'm going to memorize everyone's names? And then. And then I guess. And then I go. And then. And then I get, like, to go to the first person and get it wrong and go off. And then the lights go out and then that thing.

And then the show's over. The lengths comedians will go to to avoid just writing some jokes and performing them. I cut out so many things from my show in Adelaide because I realized I'm just doing that to distract from the fact that I haven't written any jokes. So true. Yeah, that's so true. I was like, can I make it rain on the stage? No, is the answer? No.

Write some jokes back. I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. It's a great offer. It feels very useful. It feels like there's no downside. The only downside. Oh, there is a downside.

I don't know. That I've so far been unable to fix, says USRB in PRL, is that when meeting an individual where you rely upon this power, you will omit a just audible and incredibly pungent fart that the other person cannot fail to remember. It's so childish. That's basically my life. What you've described is something that would happen to me regardless. We call that the Beck Handshake.

On top of it, I get to remember everyone. Do you say they call it the Beck Handshake, did you say? Maybe. Is it the first time I see, like every, is it basically every time I meet someone? Every time? Yeah. So the power only comes in when you meet a person with whom you've previously interacted. So it's somebody you've already met and you'll, then you store their information.

And then the next time you see them, you will rely upon the power to recall everything and emit a just audible, incredibly punctual. So, so. But what happens if you live with someone and they walk out the door for a second, they come back in? I guess it depends on whether you rely on that power to recall everything about it. Oh, okay, like I can still have my normal amount of memory. Yes, yeah, you could just be useless at remembering people. But if you're like, I don't know who that is, let me scroll through this powerful.

Let me activate the power. Yeah. And then you fart. Got it. Okay, understood. I'd do it. I have no shame. I would do it.

And I would say to that person, I would say to that person, yes, your majesty, we have meant. I love the fact that I forget if I met royalty. And I would meet them in such a casual setting that I wouldn't be able to tell. Exactly. Just down the pub. But I'm like, by the way, I've just farted. It's really smelly. That's just me.

That's my deal. And they'd go, oh, like, it humanized me. It would make me more vulnerable. And then we would bond even further. And then I wouldn't need to use the power the next time because we would remember that moment really clearly. In fact, this would probably work in reverse. If every time you met someone, you had to have a conversation with them about the incredibly pungent farts that you've just let out, you would 100% remember that person down the line. And they'd remember

you and avoid you. And then you wouldn't have to remember them. You're listening to Lifehacks with Beck Hill. Every time you meet someone, fart audibly. They'll remember you. yeah was it they said audibly or just pungent it's just audible and incredibly pungent oh just audible barely audible right right yeah that is more embarrassing yeah yeah yeah okay yeah great great what if you're meeting like a whole series of people in a row I guess you can choose to use it each time or not but still I'm gonna say no I'm gonna say no I think it would be weird to remember too much about people. And I think it's like one of those ones where you're like, yeah, but there's no downside to having the skill and not using it.

I think you would end up using it and you've just become that person who farts whenever they meet someone. So I'm going to say no. I'm taking it. This was a good one. This was a good offer. I love the ones that divide us. Yeah. No, thanks.

It's too much pressure. I prefer my bumbling through life, half remembering everyone approach. I don't like doing that purely because I don't like doing that purely because I, I know how good it feels when someone remembers me that I don't expect them to. It's really nice. And I like giving other people that feeling. And true, they might decide that they'd love to prefer that their nostrils weren't assaulted than me to remember their name. And annoying thing is, is it would give away the fact that I couldn't remember who they were.

Well, it depends if they're aware of the mechanism or they just think, that's like, that's just me. The all backhand chick. I'll do my mum's technique, which is to go, don't come near me. And then put the hands out. You walk into the room and then you'll get like, it's not all the time, but you'll get like, I don't know, a meter and a half away from it. And then she'll just put out her arms and go, don't come any closer. And then I'll go, okay. And then she's like, just give it a moment.

Give it a second. And it's all worked. It's fun. And it makes us laugh. That's what's important. We have a laugh. Who knows? I didn't realize every time that happened,

it was because my mom couldn't remember who I am. So you found that like that. How do I know that guy? She looks familiar. Hang around a lot. I'm taking it. I'm not. I am a wizard.

I am a wizard. I am a wizard. I am a wizard. Thank you.