Adeptus Ridiculous - Adeptus Custodes: The Golden Boys | Warhammer 40k Lore

Episode Date: March 3, 2021

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Welcome everyone to the Adeptus Ridiculous Podcast. I'm one of your host, D.K. Diamantis. I'm being joined by Bricky, and I don't want to waste too much time on the intro because I've been fucking it up like crazy today. So we're pretty much going to get right into it after I give a shout out to the patrons over at patreon.com slash adeptus ridiculous. You guys have been immensely generous. If you enjoy today's episode of the podcast, you can go over there, support us. There are tons of bonus features. You get Discord access.

The Discord is always bumping. and there's always people chatting about their favorite space marines, about their favorite chaos factions, about what they're doing in the tabletop. And just, it's a great time. You get access to blooper reels, which I'm sure there will be a few from this episode. And you also get access to HD posters from time to time,

which are super dope. So definitely, if you enjoy today's podcast, go there, check it out. Give us a hand. We'd appreciate it. This is, this podcast is possible because of viewers. like you. Anyway, so today's episode, uh, we are going to be talking about the custodes. Bricky, right? I, I think it's custodies. Custodys? Okay, I've always said custodes when I saw it, because it's like, it's spelled kind of funny, right? It is funny. It's C-U-S-U-S-U-S-S-I-S,

which I don't understand why it would sound like custodes. But I think with the weird way that GW does their naming sequences, it sounds more like, because they have like the adeptus, It's like a Startees, right? Which are space marines. That's A-S-T-A-R-T-E-S, I think. A-S-T-E-S-T-E-S. Yeah, Star-T-E-S. T-E-S.

This is Custod-O-D's. Oh, yeah. Yeah, okay. All I know about the custodes, whatever fuck do you want to call them? D's, yeah, the Custod-D-S-E-D-S-U-D. Did you not hear me the first time I said that? I didn't.

I didn't hear it. It didn't come through on my end. I didn't hear it. Otherwise, if the laughed had been like, that should be the T- t-shirt episode, the t-shirt idea for this episode. Costodese nuts. Costodese nuts. Yeah, dude. God damn it, we're such children.

Yes. Dude, we came up with Doge Van Dyer. That's classy. Thank you very much. How dare you? You know, actually, speaking of classy, I wanted to, when you were mentioning at the Patreon, I was thinking to myself, man, all of our, like, Discord Nitro people are so stoked when they come into our server, because what's the most recent email? We just added Morca S? That's right.

We did add Morca S. We got Morca S. We've got Tyrannid Pog and Admec Pog. We've got Smad Tau waving Commissar. And of course, you know, smug sister of battle, which is just, is just king shit right there. Yeah. In addition to all of the great stuff, we have some top tier emoys, dude. It's been popping up in my server a little bit, the smug sister.

It's quite useful. It's very pliable. I like it. I was curious. I think we got custodese one now Yeah yeah yeah custodies nuts I was wondering since we got Gorka S When are we gonna get like Morka S

Because you could do the whole It should be the exact same emote Just like horizontally flipped and a different color Yeah and like orange Yeah perfect Gorka S and morca S You could do the whole Pepe Emoat line Just with Mork and Gork That's pretty good

We could have like Mork be Pepe and Gork be Pippo ship it you heard it shy find an artist ship it make it happen anyway before we diverge too far all I know about the custodies nuts

is that they're just a lot of gold they were like really gold armor right pretty much I think we've discussed the custodians multiple times in the past but we've never like done a full on full and delved episode on them

I'm actually really excited for this one in particular because I actually own a full custodies army. It's one of my few armies that I have. I say few armies. It's one of my armies. They're barely classified as an army. Like a full custodian army is like 20-something models because these guys are such absolute chads.

But I'm actually quite a fan of the custodies. I say everything is my favorite. But they're up there on factions I like. I'm not going to say favorite, but I like them. I like them quite a bit. There's a lot of cool shit in Warhammer. Like you can have multiple. He is.

And custodians, especially now, are actually, it's a really good time to talk about them. Like, right now, great time because they're being put in the forefront of 40K again. For a while, they were just kind of like that thing in the background. But now they're actually getting quite a lot of new content. And more primarily, they're very, how you say, like, they have a lot of things, a lot to do now. Because they've kind of, they haven't retroactive. Like, they haven't retconned anything. GW, like they love to do

But with that, oh my God, Shai's already made Gorka S. Gorka S exists. As we're recording this Gorka S now exists and it is literally the inverse in orange. Oh, that's great. I don't want to stray too far because

I'm sure if you're watching this on YouTube, she'll put it in like the little box, but yeah, yeah. Anyway, so anyway, the custodians, if we go way back in the day, right? Remember way back in the, like, after the world turned into a madmanx hellhole, the emperor was like making his early,

early Astardis and stuff. Well, at the time, he made the custodies, which at the time were known as the Legio custodies. Right now they're adeptus custodies, but like Astardis are chapters, right? Like the Space Ranger chapters. Back in the day, they were legions.

So it's kind of like legio custodies, legion custodies, adeptus custodians. Oh, okay. I know someone probably has like, actually me, it was like they were called the legions back then, Bricky. It's like me referring to the fucking Jojo parts as seasons.

Like tough, dude, I don't give a shit. Parts season. I don't care. Absolute anime homunculus. You know, there's actually a unit in 40K called the homunculi, the homunculus. Oh, I bet that's an absolute nightmare. It's a jerkari, so yeah. Oh, yeah.

We'll talk about that later. But anyway, the good old Gorka ass. But anyway, the custodians were like, it's one of those things where like how did they come about is very, very hush, hush and no one really knows. Basically, Emperor was making all of his like Thunder Warriors and stuff

before he made those Thunder Warriors, he was very much doing like, hey, I'm gonna make my super thunder warriors. I make my super guys. So the actual custodians, he had his naturally personal bodyguard, hence the term custodian, right? And these guys,

oh yeah, like these guys are extremely, extremely difficult to make. I remember hearing a bit because not all of the custodian's lore is flushed out because for a while they were just kind of in the background and they're getting a lot of new lore right now, which is why I like talking about them. But I always thought they were like genetically like created like in a tube. They were like test tube babies and shit like or like they were like grown in a vat or something. I don't think that's entirely the case because the wiki gave me contradictory ideas where instead they were created similarly to. to space marines where they take a regular person they just like form

them you know but just in a significantly more difficult way to do it like really really hard to create them with the sheer amount of fuckery you gotta do to both their brain and their body so you said a custodian

is like a super thunder warrior well not quite like back in the day I was referring to that in the sense like he was making his thunder warriors but he was making like his other secret group, which is just way better than them. Okay. Because in my head, I was like, if he felt the need to kill all the Thunder Warriors because,

oh, boy, they could become a problem, I was like, ooh, if you made a super version of that, isn't that like a bigger problem? That would be the case, but, but no, they were like, they were like his, his contingency plan. They were like his really fancy ones. It's like, it's like if you plan on running a coup, you tend to have the people you really trust close by and you don't kill them. them. Yeah, fair. Fair.

Yeah, it makes it a lot easier. But basically, the custodies, like, you know that height chart everyone memes about where it's like, here's a normal human, here's the space marine, here's a primarist space marine. The custodians are like one below the prime arc. They're, wow. They're like the super, it's, GW's annoying sometimes, but they're like, okay, we've made space marines, but then we've made the primaris super space marines. And then we made gray knights, which were super, super-scyker space marines and custodians are super super super super space marines. That's basically what they are. Custodians are like just under Primark size.

They're actually fucking enormous. Yeah, I mean, if they're, if they're even remotely on the same scale as a Primark, that's a, that's a big boy. Yeah, well, not quite. They're still like a foot or so shorter than him. But that's still a, that's a large individual. It is huge. And in fact, due to the fact that they were so hard to make,

their numbers never exceeded 10,000, which in the Warhammer rule, is actually absolutely jack nothing. I was going to say, that's minuscule in Warhammer. For once, GW had an ounce of subtle tin. They were like, custodians will never, ever exceed 10,000, just simply due to the sheer, like, difficulty in creating them. Now, these, like, custodians,

they are about as honed as a weapon as you, possibly can. Like, their mental prowess is ridiculous. Like, they're not just physically strong, right? Where they can react in nanoseconds. Like, these guys are nigh immortal. Like, custodians are basically immortal. They are immortal to an extent.

Like, they will not die from a natural causes, or at least it'll take, like, hundreds of thousands of years. I don't think there's been a record of a single custodian that has ever died from old age. Like, ever. They're basically immortal. In Warhammer, who dies from old age, though? Has anybody actually died from old age? Oh, oh, as in not in combat?

Yeah. Oh, well, probably not because it's boring. In Warhammer, die in like a bloody battle where trillions of people died, a planet got virus bombed, and then a demon prince came in and ate your fucking head or something. Normally, yeah, because that's exciting. Like, I can't imagine, I can't imagine having, like, a major character just, like, keel over one day from a heart attack. It just seemed, unless it has a really good, like, irony to it, you know? But overall, yeah, it's just, it's very, it's very much, it's more fun when they go out and a blaze of glory.

I mean, you know, the tagline of 40K in the grim darkness of the far future, there is only war. So it works out that way. Yeah, sure. But the custodians being immortal, like, they are mentally obedient. to the core. Like, they will stand at the imperial palace with the emperor completely stationary, completely still for decades. They will not move.

And they will simply stand their watch there for actual decades watching over an area. And the slightest fly that flies past them without a moment's hesitation, they could strike it down with, like, immediate efficiency. They are, they're like stalwart guardians. And it's weird because it's not just their reflexes, but like their mental, their mind is a dictionary. It's an encyclopedia with knowledge of all kinds of warfare and every possible way to kill something and how to counter it.

They know everything you would know about how to fight the Eldar, about how to fight the orcs or the tyrannies. They know it all. And they can, it's like, it's like having, what's the Mortal Kombat movie? He's like, Sonia, I studied all your moves. It's like that shit. Yeah, it's Cano. It's like, the old World Combat movie, be my friends used to repeat that all the time.

We were like, I studied all your moves. But Cano was a bitch. Yeah, but he did study all her moves. He did. He studied all her moves. It didn't help him. But men, he could eat a turkey leg, right? Yes, yes, he could.

I like how unapologetically Australian Cano is. He's one of my favorite characters. It reminds me of the new character in Apex. Oh. Feezy. But what was kind of cool about the custodians even more so is that

they're like, they're extremely, it's hard to explain. You know how a lot of space marines and stuff? They're very like cold, calculated people. They don't feel like emotion as much. They keep things very steady

to the core of figuring out like their mission. custodians are intelligent they're they're like philosophers they're they're political advisors for the emperor they're his generals

like the emperor will go to his they're his confidants the emperor will physically back in the day physically can't do it so much anymore they will actually go to his custodians and he'll be like

I need help I need some assistance like this idea what do you think of this ideas. It's a good battle plan. What are we thinking about this idea? Like, they'll discuss the ideas of philosophy and advise him on how to deal with sensitive situations. They're like, custodians are artists. Some of them are poets. They're like, that strikes me a so weird thing of a custodian. This giant custodian clad in all this crazy gold armor writing poetry. Like, that just seems so wild to me.

Like, out of all the craziness in Warhammer, these dudes writing poetry seems like just the wonkish. Well, it's because, like, they're intellectuals without the fedora. They're legitimate intellectuals. Okay. They're very, very intelligent. They're artists. They, I mean, they don't necessarily have hobbies, so to speak, but, you know, like, they can. And that's, that's kind of the point.

It's not like, it's like, all right, good boys, watch ended. Time to go paint a painting. Like, it's more of the idea that they're able to, that kind of stuff and it wasn't each custodian is an individual that's the cool part is that in in the faceless group of the ultramarines a blue blue blue blue blue and they all have the same arm and everything every custodium is an individual person their names are all different which obviously sounds weird but like a custodian's name gets longer for every battle they've fought and won so really powerful custodians have names that are like a full novel long and they remember the whole thing

but of course they'll have they'll shorten it long names yeah but they'll shorten it like a major custodian right now is the captain general which is like the main the main main guy and his name is trajan valouris and he probably has way more than that bone they cut it down a little Hey, every time you address him, you can't spend an hour just saying, hello, Captain Trazer. Yeah, it takes forever. Yeah. There's a great comic.

There's a great comic of a custodian, and it's like, all right, please write your full name here, and you just start sweating. So, but the custodians, them, you know, they've stood watch on Terra at the Golden Palace forever. They have, like, a solemn watch in which they are unflinching, unmoving stalwart body bodyguards, right? They don't have any real warships.

They have very few warships because their primary goal is the protection of the emperor, but they can edict any vessel they need. They can commandeer whatever the hell they want because they're fucking custodians. However, a lot of them now, they carry like pretty great shame

due to the Horace heresy. It's kind of like ingrained in their bodies. Like they had one, you had one job. Make sure, Big Ems didn't die, right? And you fucked it. So they carry this like huge shame in their chest right there. Now, now because of this pre-heresy, like seeing a custodian was was equivalent to maybe, you know, seeing the president at the inauguration or something like.

It's pretty goddamn rare. And if you did see it, you'd be like, oh, my God. So wow, I can't believe it. Right. Or shaking hands to the president or whatever. Post-heresy, it's like nigh unthinkable. A normal citizen of the imperial. It's not unthinkable to ever see one of these

It's called a Brotherhood of Demi Gods Like they literally The idea of seeing one of these people is like Will like make your life It's a huge deal to actually even visualize a custodium However, I guess because the custodians probably aren't going out and about much If they're supposed to be with the emperor And he's not going anywhere

Well speaking of that So that's what it was like However, as of recently, if you remember, this planet named Kadia got absolutely bodied. And right after that happened, they resurrected with Belisarius call. They resurrected Gilman, you know? And so Gilman, Primark of the Ultramarines is back alive now. Right. I think we've discussed that once or twice.

Hooray, I guess. Ultramarines. He's okay. Gilliman's all right. If you have to appreciate anything about the ultramarines, you can appreciate Gilliman. He's actually kind of chad. But everyone has their favorite prime mark. Most of the time it isn't Gilman.

But Gilliman is like fifth edition D&D, man. Everyone has their favorite edition. But if everyone's like, well, what about fifth edition? It's like, oh, yeah, fifth edition is great. Not my favorite, but, you know, I play 5E. Five E's wonderful. It's fine. It's all right.

So after that happened when the fall of Kedia died, that big, like, zipper, the eye of terror, the zipper into the fucking warp space, that it just like cracked and zapped and just absolutely like, open a huge drift across the world and then everything went to shit, right? Because this is actually rather recent in the Warhammer timeline

but the Imperial was on the back foot like they were hanging by a thread because all this warp space just snap crackle popped into everything. Chaos is everywhere and because of that the actual terror itself was under huge warp storms

and warp fire and all of this fuckery was happening on terror itself and so the custodians were tasked with putting down like Doomsday Colts and like gigantic riots and people just driven mad custodian wardens which are these

fancy custodians that protect like terrifying secrets in the vaults of Terra they were spending their whole time stopping the horrifying monstrosities inside of it from getting out and then a gigantic corn demon like barrage eventually arrived they tore into real space with like eight blood Thursters, which like the big

fucking dudes with the big axes, just like all went onto terror and started murdering the shit out of people. And so Gilliman, Trajan Valores, Sisters of Silence Silence, the custodians, the Ultramarines, they all got together and they put down

the rebellion. They put down the rebellions, they put down the demons after a long fought battle, but a lot of custodians like alive during the heresy died during this fight. And that, at that point, the custodians were like, war from within right here is not enough. We need to start taking preventative actions.

Like, it's now time for us to go out and deal with problems that might have an issue with Terra. Because what if the custodians went out to help stop the Black Crusade of Abadon and destroy, destroy Acadia? Could these other custodians still be alive? of like, that's too close, man. Eight bloodthusters on terror, that's too close. Yeah. So working with Giliman and the Ultramarines, they were now renamed to the Adeptus custodies

as they are now an active fighting force going on in the world. And that's kind of where we're at right now. And now the custodians are going out and dealing with problems both with them and the forces without. And so they can like, they're out fighting off orcs, chaos, all kinds of different threats. Anything that could possibly threaten the safety of the emperor in the

Imperium. How, like, before all of that crazy chaos nonsense, how normal was it like, for like a custodian to like actually die? Like, oh, it was rare as hell. It was super fucking rare. Like, they fought a gigantic orcwa one time with this like dark, like, it's like black-skinned orc.

or he had like really like gray skinner stuff it wasn't green that was the point um and they seen like a thousand custodians which is the most you've ever seen custodians at one time was against this orc war 1,000 yeah when you only have 10,000 it never exceeds

that's that's a good chunk of your custodians yeah and they killed like I think 200,000 orcs and then the orcs retreated and they lost three wow that's You fought a Y and you only lost three? Well, it wasn't just them.

There were many other like Marines and stuff there. They came to reinforce. Oh, okay, got you, got you. But yeah, I mean, like, custodians are one of the few factions in Warhammer where them being able to kill a laughable amount of things is kind of acceptable. Because like, there's a lot of things that the custodians do. Oh, the blood games. I mentioned that a bit ago.

the custodians have this thing called the blood games where half of the fighting force attempts to make their way to the golden throne and kill the emperor not actually kill him but oh yeah yeah like it's a training exercise yeah exactly it's a training exercise

and so there's the defenders and the attackers and that helps them find ways to create secret passageways and show up their defenses and all that kind of stuff but also I vaguely remember you mentioning that in one of the Horacee episodes, or maybe it was the Sisters episode.

It was, it was one of those. I think it was the sister's episode, because they led him through secret passageways. Right, right, right. And then the emperor was like, oh, or what's her face, was told the truth, or she figured out the truth because she got an audience with the emperor or something?

Yeah, yeah, Mrs. Alicia Dominica. Alicia Dominica. Actually, my favorite characters. Oh, Burkisworn and her a wifu. Got it. Yes, sir. Well, she's dead now. But yes, sir.

Saint Dominica actually now. Oh, pardon me. Patron Saint of the Eben Chalas. I'm a nerd. I know it. That's why we're here. I know. I know it's to create more nerds.

But the blood games in particular, that's like one of their main training exercises. But there's actually a stratagem, which is like an ability you can use in the tabletop, called Victor of the Blood Games. And it's the idea that somebody, I think, I think Trajan Valoris, the big boy guy, He is the only person to ever successfully win two blood games. Only two. It's still pretty big deal. Yeah, it's a very big deal.

And it shows how just laughably strong he is and the custodians are because they can do things like this. They have these blood games to constantly train themselves. And like if a custodian, they're constantly training. They're constantly making sure that their reflexes are like honed down. If a custodian has his reflexes diminished by like one one hundredth of a second, he is retired. Wow, really? That's it. He is retired.

Every weapon, every piece of armor, everything the custodians have and wear are sculpted and molded for their own personal use, for their hands. But when their reflexes, when their inability to think and move at a speed that is like godly, Demigodly, if anything, because they are called the Brotherhood of Demigods. Demigods, yeah. Once it goes down, they're retired. They hand in their armor. They hand in their weapon. And instead, they become the eyes of the emperor.

They don a large black cloak. And they leave on their own personal ship to go find and collect secrets of incoming issues for the Imperium. So they become like KGB spies. Wow. So if there is any dip whatsoever in custodian performance, you're retired, become a super spy. There's no, there is no leeway acceptable when it comes to saving the emperor.

Well, I mean, I guess when it comes to the emperor, he is the most important. And you gotta have the most fittest fighting force. Yeah, he needs the most gains. Unless they have, of course, some kind of, of other use, maybe like as like a general or something. They might stick around in that sense. But, I mean, that's the thing is that the custodians,

being there for so long, for a while have been known to like, kind of not have any emotion, be kind of like solo's automaton's because they don't start that way, but they've been standing still for 5,000 years. Yeah, I was going to say when you're, when you've been known to stand guard

and not move and be just stalwart for decades at a time, I mean, how do you really become emotional? How do you not lose all emotional ties to everything except the job? Like, Yeah, I get that.

It's weird. Like the humanity's finest act of the least human. It's a good little bit of irony there. I like it a lot. They're just guard dogs. Pretty much. Well, that's the space wolves.

Sorry. You know, those are the how. But the custodians, though, with that, like, power and stuff, I do think they definitely start losing a little bit of their humanity as time goes on. Not because of, like, their genetics or anything. It doesn't like turn them in their robots, but more so the idea that they just they just slowly kind of don't do anything and they become numb

Yeah, they're still proficient fighting forces, but they have to I mean they're pretty cool man. I mean like some of their armor and their weapons like they're clad in gold they got like bright red robes and shit like that they're really awesome They obviously have a lot of like Roman. Is it Roman or Greek? Shit. Oh boy. I don't know if I even want to comment because I remember one time I was like oh, I was like oh yeah, it's Roman, and it was Greek, and everybody was like, oh my God, how do you not know your history? It's like, I'm a dork, man. I haven't taken history in, like, more than 10 years.

It was back in high school. Hey, I'm getting a bunch of preteens telling me why I don't know, I don't know Greek mythology after they just learned about it in seventh grade. Like, man, when you don't use it, you lose it. All I know is Hades. Yeah, right? So, I didn't even go comment. Roman centurions is what I'll say, yeah.

Well, I know, I think, if I'm not mistaken, ultramarines have the Roman heraldry. I'm not quite 100% sure. Oh, wait, no, I'm stupid. They are Roman. Yeah, the custodians are Roman. They're like the legionaries. Oh, okay.

Because they have like the plume and the ones that have like the giant, like tower shield and the gladius. Yeah, yeah, of course, duh, because they have like dreadnoughts, name like the gladius tanks and gladius dreadnots. They also have... I was not privy to that information. So, you know, I'm Scott Free comment section. That's true. got away from this. I'm the stupid man here. I get to be made fun of. Again. You get to be actually again. Again. Um, some of their weapons though are kind of cool.

Like, their main weapon is something called the Guardian Spear. It's this like power speed. It's this long spear with this giant like crackling electricity blade that has a bolter attached to it. You know like, did you play Metal Gear Rising? Uh, yes. You know, Sam's like, like, like gun blade. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So their spear at the end, like the way back at the spear is a trigger. And the way front of the spear is basically a bolter

and a blade attached to it. So it's a combination of like firing a bolter with a big stabby part at the end. And they also have a similar variation of that with axes called the castle on axes that hit a lot harder, but they're like a little slower. Man.

You know, things like that. They're actually, I think Shimei had posted a picture in the Discord. She did. They look. Those are, Jesus, those are dirty looking. God. No, they're pretty crazy because they can do that thing where they'll do a swipe and kill someone, but on their way down the swipe, they'll fire their bolter on an enemy behind the person they killed.

And like, custodians have been known to 1v3, 1v4 Chaos Space Marines. And which is like, 1v3 and Chaos Space Marines is a fucking feat. Even for custodian, that's a feat. But it's possible. They truly are that strong, which is why on the tabletop, like one space marine, an intercessor, for instance, like 20 points, a custodian is like 50. Wow. They are. I guess that makes sense?

Sure. It should be. Like, yeah, they should be that expensive. Yeah. They're like. Are they particularly hard to kill on the tabletop? Oh my fucking God. They are, they are laughably hard.

Hard. Okay, so custodians as an entire army, they hit on twos, which is the best possible ballistic and weapon skill you can in the entire game. The only time they'll miss is if they roll ones, whereas Marines are on threes and guardsmen on fours. And it's the entire army that does that. They have the best armor save in the whole game, which is twos. They all have like a force field, which is a four in case you get to the two. So even if you fire like a missile at them, they can still shrug it off. They're tough. and stronger than Marines. A guardsman has one health. Marines have two. Custodians have three. Their terminators have four. They're, they're,

okay, they are like, I wish I could truly explain how fucking impossible it is to kill these sons of bitches. Their goal in, in tabletop, okay, so because they have so few models, there's this thing in the tabletop called objective secure.

Long story short, let's say like, you've got some chaos marines on an objective and I've got some guardsmen on an objective. We have to figure out who has the objective, right? Basically, if you are using troops, like regular old rank and file troops, then the person who has that gets it instead of the other person, because it's like their base unit. It's incentivized you to take more troops so you don't like run like an all tank list or something.

Custodians have that ability army-wide so they can contest every thing. thing. And so when you're that tanky, you can't be shot off the fucking objective because you're just so tough. Jeez. It is insane. Like, there, I wish I

could truly explain how impossible it is to kill Kastonis. They are probably the tankiest army in the entire game besides like Imperial Knights, but even then knights, you just like fire all your guns at one target and it'll eventually die. There's multiple targets. They're really hard to kill. I'm also assuming

nights cost a shitload of points. Yeah, one night is like 500 points where a squad of like 10 custodians is the same. And therefore, harder to kill because if you fired at night with like six damage weapons, it doesn't overkill to other custodians. It would just annihilate one of them. Yeah. And then that would be the end. So do many people run custodians then?

Or is it not a very popular thing? Oh, they're pretty popular right now, actually. They're cheap. because you only need so many models they're actually one of the cheapest armies in the game

Oh And they're super tanky and strong They're like an eight tier faction right now They got a good buff Because they were kind of bad for a bit But they are a lot better now Because the game is a lot more About objective holding

But they're really tanky They're really good at what they do Their damage in shooting Isn't that great But their melee damage Is pretty phenomenal The idea of the custodian army is the on-table

style is the single strike. Like a custodian is all about that single swing, right? That one decapitating strike. And that's kind of how it is in the table. Like turn one, you might, you're moving very slow, you're not going to get very far,

you got to weather in a whole lot of damage. But by turn two or turn three, the entire game will flip on its head. Your opponent will have a bunch of stuff, but you finally arrived, your Terminator, have come out of the sky, your bikes have finally reached the back line. And at that point, a whole bunch of their army will die.

You'll take over their objectives and they can't kill you. Yeah. There's no shooting you off the objective once you're on there. Yeah, that's what makes it damn, damn difficult to take these bastards out. How many points do you usually get for an army? I know it differs, depending. Like, there are different, like, army sizes, right? I know there's like a, there's 2,000 point armies, there's 1,000 point armies.

I know it kind of varies, but like, what's the, Like, 2,000 points is like the tournament official number. Like if you want to play like a normal regular game of 40K, 2000 points is the number. Naturally, I never start with that. Those of you listening who haven't gotten into it yet, don't do that. You start with 500 and then you can turn it into a thousand and then you go to 2000.

Unfortunately, 500 points of custodians is like literally seven models. Like it's not even a joke. It's actually seven models. But still, that, that I was just like, man, an Imperial Knight being like 500 points, that's so much of your points. Oh, yeah, if you want to play knights in a competitive environment, you run like four. Or you run three and a couple like mini knights, which are like 150 each. There's so many points. So I was like, man, I'd so much rather have just a bucket load of custodians than just like fump one day.

They're a fun army, dude. They're a little hard to play sometimes in the sense of like, weathering the damage can be rather difficult. You gotta be really good at like hiding them or like maneuvering them. But just, you just let the tankiness do your work, man. You just like watch as everything that they do

just bounces off of you. There's a particular character called the Unkillable Bike Captain, which is just insane. So they have these awesome bikes. They have these really cool, like, Eagle jet bikes. And he's got his giant lance, like a joust.

And what you could do with this dude, is he has seven wounds, which is seven health, and you can make it nine. He's like toughness six, which is really high. He still has this two-up armor save, but then he has a, you can give him a relic that makes it so that he has a three-plus force-field Invols save instead of a four.

So his invulnerable will never go worse than a three. But then you can give him that strategy and victor of the blood games, which lets him re-roll a single fail every single term. So if you finally make him roll a 1, he can just re-roll it. And then, even if you still get damage him, you can give him this thing that gives him a, every time he takes a damage on a 5-up, it's ignored. He's, he is so stupid. And because he has that objective thing, he can fly in the back line, like, duke it out with your fucking knight.

And then he has the objective during that period of time, because he just doesn't care. Because he's fucking custodians. So that's why they call him the unkillable. Unkillable Jep But the goddamn Trachian Valoris is actually a runnable character as well He's the only named character in the thing

And he is a monster As well, it should be from what we What we've heard about him today Absolutely The custodians are A very fun army to play Actually I do want to talk a little bit About some of their shield hosts though

Before we We'll be talking a lot about table top stuff because they are a very popular army and then they're getting more popular thanks to their price. And because they're surprisingly not that hard to paint. You know, they look like they have a shitload of detail and they do, but they're bigger bottles

and they're just gold. So you spray paint them gold. Yeah, from the picture I saw that shy posted, I was just like, you know, you could probably get away with just getting like a metallic gold that you really liked, just paint the whole damn thing, do the old null oil trick and just bathe the thing in oil

and congratulations. You've got a pretty decent looking custodian. The deed is done. The deed is done. A little red for the plume and you're done. Yeah, get the capes going and if they have capes and then bam. So actually there's this cool thing. So similarly to how every faction has like a faction within a faction,

like Katie and guardsmen, cataching guardsmen, things like that, the custodians have the same thing. They have a thing called shield hosts and shield companies. Because a lot of their stuff is about like shields. Like they're called custodian guard And like their main guys are called like shield captains And stuff like that Sure sure

Um But one of the Some of these guys They're actually like sub factions And they're pretty cool when you learn about them Like uh This one right here is called the shadow keepers They're the wardens of the dark cells

What they do is that I guess the I think it was Thor Ragnarok Where they had like underneath Odin's area He had a whole bunch of like horrifying things like locked away Yeah in his little vaults sure Yeah so this is the same thing The emperor has a whole bunch of like galaxy destroying fucking shit in his vaults beneath the, uh, um, beneath his golden throne. And this whole shield host, which is clad in like a black armor with gold highlights, they spend the entire time lay, sit in not laying, sitting down there in a pitch dark room with where no sound or light can escape with these horrifying, horrifying, like creatures or arthur's.

or artifacts or doomsday weapons or like chaos spawn and they sit there for decades in pitch darkness waiting for problems and their whole job is to like keep these things far far away

from anyone to ever know and in fact sometimes chaos will be funny and they'll like take one and when they do then they'll like oh fuck and they'll go out on their ships to go find it and bring it back. Mm-hmm.

And so that's like the purpose of like the shadow keepers. There's the Aquil and Shield, which is my personal favorite. They're, uh, they, I pay my, my, um, custodians like this. They have purple capes. And I actually, I actually was going to write a, uh, a story. I wanted to write like a little short story or like a novel or like a screenplay or something about this. Um, these guys are basically, they bear the responsibility to safe,

guard those that have usefulness to Terra. So what they'll happen is they're actually, they're bodyguards, and they'll go out, and they'll go find very specific people, a high lord, a leader of like the sisters, an inquisitor, a general in the Imperial Guard, a specific space marine. Sometimes people that make no sense,

a random civilian in like a random hive world. or one single guardsman. And then just out of nowhere in a giant flash of golden light, like five of these demi-gods appear around that person. And without consent and without like a word, really, they will simply be there to protect him against all evil and make sure that he survives. Because however they know,

whether due to some future shit or psychers or whatever, this person is pivotal in the safeguarding of the Imperium. That sounds super sick. It is. Boom, appear and it's like these cool gold guys

with these sick purple capes and they just, that's actually dope. I like the sound of that. I much rather be one of them than those shadow guards who are just like, yeah,

we're stuck in the dark for a decade. That's such a bum deal. Like, all of that talent's like, let's just sit in the dark for a decade. Great. Yeah, but if one of those guys escapes, then like, Then, like, Tara gets swallowed by Zinche or something.

Oh. It's like, like, unspeakable eldrick horror, like cosmic deities and shit. Like, it's, like, really bad. The necronomicon, I don't fucking know. You couldn't give them, like, a nightlight, though, or something? No, because light feeds the demons. I don't know, man. Oh, no. Oh, geez.

I actually wanted to write a story about, like, like, a guardsman on the front lines. He's, like, going to get killed. And then just, like, out of a flash. of golden light like a fucking quill and shield guy comes in and like saves him and they do like a like a BT and the guy from Titanfall 2 thing where you have this this random guardsman has to be followed around by this gigantic nine foot tall demigod and and like all of his comrades like what the fuck and he has to deal with this like yeah man I was going to go have some food and the custodian's like what is food Turned into a sick And there's this giant nine foot tall

Gold-clad demigod that's just standing next to you As you're just like you should drink less alcohol guardsman It will not allow you serve the emperor better In the inebriated state It's gonna be like a sitcom That'll be the best sitcom Oh no, it's my wedding And he's like standing there right next to him

There's the best, he has like a little tux on No, he's just got a bow tie on all his gold armor there's just a bowtie. He's the best man at the... Exactly. He saved me so many times you've got to be my best man. For the emperor.

I am the old... How can I be the best man when the best man is the emperor? You know, it's just... And then roll credits. They play like the funny sitcom music. What other ones are there?

There's a couple other ones. Like there's the dread host which is like a terrorist variant. They're all about like, like, causing, causing fear. Like, pinpoint strikes, like, killing, uh, killing, like, major generals and stuff and slaughter, like, a warlord and watch them, like, run away. Like, they'll go out and they'll, like, burn an enemy dude, like, alive and then, like, carry his body into their, into their base. And they'll, they'll, they'll do, they'll, like, butcher their fucking, like, families and shit. Like, they're all about, like, back the fuck off, man.

Like, we ain't, we ain't deal with this. I was going to say seeing custodians is horrifying enough, and then you have ones dedicated to terrorism, and it's like, oh. Conrad Curz would really like this. They'd be stoked. Fucking, God, man. Custodians dedicated to terrorism makes me very, that's an uneasy feeling.

Oh, God, yeah. I know Conrad Curz, who is the prime guy of the night lords, who was like the most terroristy man of all time, probably was like, nice, nice, nice, nice, good shit, good shit. There's the solar watch as well. They safeguard everything in the soul system, so Jupiter, Luna, et cetera. Yeah. That's their main thing.

There's the emissaries imperatives. I actually don't know what these guys are. I remember they have shitty rules, so I never look too much at them. I think they're like safeguards of like knowledge and shit. Oh, okay. they're rather they're rather impressive all the shield hosts have their own

very like specific task and all and what's nice is that you can kind of not in game but you can probably like make your own type of deal but I'm going to make this new shield host for my new sitcom and it'll be perfect now you gotta write that story dude yeah I really do want to write

I have a lot of fucking 40K like screenplays I want to write I have like four ideas I even have a video game I want to make I got everything I want to do, man. We have a platform now, right? We do, we do, we do. We have a platform for it, so. I want to do a horror movie where, like,

oh, you don't know what an Arco-flagland is, do you? Oh, it sounds awful. Arco-flage, that sounds terrible. Oh, shit. Never mind. I won't talk about this then. Okay, okay. No need.

No need. But we'll probably eventually get to it on the podcast at some point. Possibly, hopefully. but besides like besides that there actually isn't a whole lot else I need to talk about the custodians with I mean they have very large amounts of very impressive battles

and you know like there's Constantine Valdoer which was like the major custodian guy during the heresy and the major guy during like the Great Crusade of the Emperor he was like the guy um kind of like how sanguinius was the guy for the blood angel

constantine Valdoer is probably one of the one of the more I don't know how to describe it, but he's probably one of the biggest heroes ever of like the Imperium. He's probably like as far as you can, as far as you can consider, if you had to, besides the fact that I just went on about terrorism, if you had to choose like a good, like the good guys of 40K, I think I would go with the custodians. Because a lot of them being alive since the heresy, they aren't like, they're not religiously corrupted. They're not zealots like all the other Imperium are

because they've just been, they're just chilled. Yep. And so they're not like, their job is one thing. Safeguard the Emperor, because if you don't safeguard the emperor, the Imperium and the humans as a race die. Collapse, yep. And so in a sense, they probably are the nicest faction, but they also slaughter like Eldard children

and hang their entrails from like Pikes because they're like, laudy, da, do you stupid Zinos. So I don't know, man. They're as good as you can be in 40K, right? Because in 40K, you've got to be kind of a savage if you're going to survive for any amount of time. So, well, you know, there's as good as you can be in 40K. I like that, yeah. It works out the best I can.

And also, I'm assuming you haven't watched the Emperor Textist Speech episodes much? No, I haven't. So the main idea is that the Captain General, the main guy gave the Emperor his voice modulator and now they're talking. But they have an ongoing meme where these other three shield captains look like the Jojo Pillarman and they play the theme song every time they arrive. They're like completely naked and stuff

but the idea is that the custodians are like really, really, really gay because they've done nothing but since well, be like stuck with each other for 10,000 years and so they've formed like a custodian brothel. Oh wow. And so they're all like oh yeah, Shai's got the picture. Chas got the fixture. Yeah, they're all, uh, they're, they're all like really buff, oiled fucking men.

Those are the, those are the pillar man. It's pretty, it's pretty funny. It's the only Jojo reference that's actually good and it's the only one that will ever be good. But, honestly, yeah, I know what I'm saying. But it's, um, it's pretty great. It's, it's very funny when you know about the custodians and you actually get a chance to watch the show. You're like, ah, this is good. This is good.

Battle tendency was pretty solid. I, I enjoy battle tendency. a lot. The fuck is battle tendency. It's where the fucking pillarmen come from, you idiot. Just say season two. Well, it's not season two. That's still part of season one. It's season one, part two.

Oh, fuck you. It is. I don't give a shit. And yeah, that... Season two is Stardis Crusaders. But that was part three. Fuck that, man. That's part three, but it's season two.

Whatever. Ever. Listen, man. Listen, man. I got... I got paid to watch all five of them, okay? Because they decided... They did it.

And you know what? Part 5 is objectively the best because it's really well made. But part two is my subjective favorite because it's quite funny at times. And it's the only one that understood how meme humor is. Every other stupid part of that stupid show is just. just like Adam Sandler. Ha ha, Pee,

broken English, ha ha. But at least part two is like actually the fucking hero's journey. You got the asshole character

given a time limit has to train learns how to be humility and ends up saving the day. Like good, a good fucking story. Not this other bullshit.

I hate anime. I loved part two. I thought part two is great. I agree with everything you said about part two. So I'm with you. I've only gotten

to part three so far so I don't know what the other parts are like so part three sucks absolutely fucking sucks were they first introduced stands it's so boring dude it's so boring it is pretty bad actually but we're we're getting a little off topic this isn't a jojo podcast right no and i if it ever does i'm quitting well you just turned it into one man i was i was referencing the meme and text the speech okay If I don't mention the Pillarman in this episode, I'm going to get actually more. And I don't want to get actually more. Okay, I made my reference.

I did my thing. D.K., do you have any questions? Anything I can alleviate, anything I can tell you about the custodians before I take us home? I don't think so. I think any questions I had I had brought up during the podcast. So I think we're good. custodians, custodians sound like real badasses. I like the custodians now.

Good. I'm glad. Yeah. They are not only neat, but I would really recommend actually checking out some of their models too because they do look very, very cool. All right. Okay. Let me take us away. Thank you to everyone who came here and watched the Adeptus Custodius episode of the Adeptus Ridiculous podcast.

It's a lot of Adeptus. It's a lot of Adeptus. I am very, and it's also everyone says Adeptus, Sororitas. It's a Depta seroritas. If you want to talk about the sisters of battle, I'm actually you now. I'm actually you now. That's how it feels, fuckers. Damn. Thank you very much for watching. This was quite a fun one. I like this one. It was short, sweet to the point. I enjoyed it. Now we can remove everything in our mind that isn't fine dining and breathing and the custodians. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, you don't, you know SpongeBob. No, I don't. Sorry, I don't know SpongeBob. I just assumed it was. a funny meme. Sorry, man. Still, I haven't watched SpongeBob. You can find me at Bricky

on Twitch, Twitter, and YouTube. I stream very often, and I think I'm actually having some new content. Oh, no, it's right, this is coming on a Wednesday, so I had content on Monday. Fuck it. Find me at Bricky. D.K., where can they find you? Hey, find me, D.K. Diamanties at everything, Twitter, Twitch, YouTube,

real DK. Diamanty's on Instagram. Still not rolling in, it still can't buy the name. What are you going to do? That's how it'd be. You could also find shy at quite shallow or quiet shy, depending on what she's interested in. I'm sure she'll be making many videos on the upcoming Outwriters game, as there are more than enough bugs, even if it is, even if it is kind of a fun game. It is fun. The combat's fun, stories garbage, a lot of bugs. A lot of bugs. You know, and speaking of bugs, I just wanted to make the tiernid players excited because I actually don't think I'm going to time with Tierniz next to get fucked. I'll show you the exact same treatment of GW games.

gives you.