Adeptus Ridiculous - Dk and Bricky get drunk and read The All Guardsmen Party | Warhammer 40k fiction

Episode Date: May 7, 2021

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Starting point is 00:00:00 I always clap in the beginning of my video, so I was about to clap. Do it. Do it. Do it makes it comfortable. Welcome. See, now you brought attention to it. How are you going to do?
Starting point is 00:00:19 Welcome, everyone, to Adeptus Ridiculous. My name is Bricky, and I'm joined by the very talented, very impressive, decently sexy, D.K. Diamoppy. Eh. He's got a cool hat. Is that Sailor Moon thing in the background? Over. here? Yes, it is. Other way. Actually,
Starting point is 00:00:38 it's, technically, that's Zoe's sight. Dressed up on Sailor Moon. Other side? Other side? Oh, you mean over here? Yes, over there. Oh, yeah, that's a Sailor Neptune wall scroll, because I'm a weeb. Is Sailor Neptune different than Sailor Moon? No, they just have different names because they're the same thing. Is it a variation of the fucking show? Is it season three?
Starting point is 00:01:01 She's in the show. She is in the show. She is in the show. Yes. No, she's the character in Sailor Moon, yeah. Okay, okay. I thought you were like, no, Bricky. The things that are different are actually the same. It sounded very sarcastic. I didn't know.
Starting point is 00:01:17 That's just my default tone. I don't know what you want from me. Anyway, a lot of you have been waiting for this for quite some time. This is Bricky and D.K., get on camera and read, well, what it was originally supposed to be horrible Warhammer fan fiction, and has apparently been brought down a decent amount to be just Warhammer fan. fiction and I also realize that DK I can't screen grab you and also look
Starting point is 00:01:40 at Shy's chat at the same time so shy I sure as fuck hope yeah yeah yeah screen grabbing that you're screen grabbing us yourself yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah wow this is this is scuffed this is a little scuffed yeah so it's okay it's all right good good good good good good good work shy oops that's not so
Starting point is 00:01:58 so this is Bricky and BK read it felt well we thought was horrible Warhammer fan fiction while drinking has now become Warhammer fan fiction while drinking. Because Shai says it's not super cursed, but we're still getting fucked up. So it has in its sense,
Starting point is 00:02:16 its own, like, pizzazz regardless. Yeah, I thought it was going to be super NSFW. I thought it was going to be like, oh, my God, look at this hardcore Warhammer porn in writing. So I'm glad that it's actually going to be safe for work and not just a bunch of like, Rule 34 shit, so. I mean, it wouldn't really surprise us if it was.
Starting point is 00:02:42 She specifically said, do you want it? And that alone doesn't make me, like, makes me worrying because that means she has it on hand. Yeah, I don't. Yeah. Oh, dear. Okay. So, Bricky, what are you drinking? What's on tap?
Starting point is 00:02:59 So, obviously, we're supposed to be drinking quite a bit today. So unfortunately, all my hatred for webdom, is entirely measured by the fact that I happen to have the, I see that you're sponsored maybe or whatever by sneak energy. I'm sponsored by gamer subs. So that's a bit awkward, but I have their wifu shaker cup. And inside this, they sent it to me. Shut up.
Starting point is 00:03:29 Inside this is four shots of white rum, two shots of Bacardi Lemon, one shot of orange Curacao, and a. bottle of Sprite. So it's seven shots of alcohol in this thing and it's it goes down really easy and that's not good. It's a bad thing.
Starting point is 00:03:50 What about you? I have a $200 bottle of Flaming Heart Whiskey from Compass Box. It's a celebration. It is. It took us a bit to get this done but it kind of
Starting point is 00:04:05 arrived faster than we thought it would. A lot faster, right? Right? Jesus. It was way too quick. But regardless, we have it here. Do you want me to read what Shai says? Yeah, yeah. I'm pouring a drink, man. Hell yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:21 So, the fan fix. My first choice was hardcore orc and human porn, which literally exists. And I can link it to you, but sadly, that probably won't be accepted by YouTube or the humanity in general. So I actually've been selling it nice and chill called All Guardsman Party, about a role-playing group consisting of only guardsmen characters who constantly get thrown into horrible situations.
Starting point is 00:04:45 It's safe for work and pretty fun, but very, very long, so we'll be covering the entire thing. But just a few stories starting from the beginning, I guess. Chapter Darwinian character creation. Oh, no. Oh, my God. So, said language to Italian? Oh, okay.
Starting point is 00:05:05 Oh, my God, there's so many. There's a lot here. Holy crap Yeah How do I get the cameras back into the thing now that I have the thing open? How do I get it back to showing everybody's camera? How does that work? Hey, look, I haven't used this thing in like over three years, man
Starting point is 00:05:27 Mouse over your camera You see where it says recording studio on the top? Uh-huh Uh-huh, yeah click that like that. Oh, okay, cool. Got it. Thanks. Look, I might not know how technology works, but I've got a cool hat. If I didn't have to drink, I would still do it.
Starting point is 00:05:56 Man, you must be a big team fortress fan. I don't know if I've got a cool hat. No, man, that's every game I play is like, I don't know how this works, but I look great. But look, fashion, no wonder you did Warframe content. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. All right. Darwinian character creation.
Starting point is 00:06:18 Do you want to read off back and forth the various ones? Like, I'll do a paragraph, or like one of these like outlined ones and then you do one, then I do one? Sure. All right. You want to start or do you want me to start? I, sure. Our DM can be a little evil. That's the first one, right?
Starting point is 00:06:38 Yep. Let's do it. I'll do the second one. Our DM can be a little evil. Last weekend, our group got together for a marathon session to start a new campaign in a new system. Upon arrival, we were all given copies of the only war source books and told to build a regiment, then build grunt level characters, then make a few backup characters. Now our DM runs what we refer to as high morality games.
Starting point is 00:07:02 No, no, no. High mortality games. Okay, that's a little different. That changes things a little bit. In our several year-long D&D game, so many PCs died that our GM actually appears on the Hitler scale of death measurement. And we were all familiar with the nature of a guardsman's life. So each of us made a bunch of backups and didn't get too attached to any of our characters as we wrote them.
Starting point is 00:07:32 No special snowflakes here. Our regiment was mustard. Our creators met and trained. were deployed to fight some orcs. We learned the system in a few skirmishes and commiserated when some of our characters were old poorly or screwed up and bit the dust. Then we were
Starting point is 00:07:49 marched out to the trenches, given our piece of the line and the battle started. I like that. The DM literally created like this is the Hitler scale. You're at like about two Hitler's, three Hitler's this battle is like four to five Hitler's
Starting point is 00:08:05 and all the party is like, oh yeah, yeah, that's a lot of Hitler's. Wow. That's quite a few hit lose. High mortality games. We had expected some sort of priority mission. We expected to be the heroes who went in behind the enemy or were dispatched to save a key position or led the valley in charge.
Starting point is 00:08:25 Oh, nice. Oh, nice, bro. I wasn't even attempting that one. That one just came out. I apologize. We just got started, too. Damn. Instead, we were put in a bloody trench and told to hold the lime.
Starting point is 00:08:40 The orcs came and we killed them. The orcs came again and we killed them. The orcs came again and we killed them. But now we were low on ammo. The orcs came again and some of us died. The orcs came again and brought a tank and the rest of us died. This sounds awfully familiar. This is extremely accurate.
Starting point is 00:08:59 Except for me, I ran. The first session ended there with our first set of characters dead in the trenches. We agreed it was a proper introduction. to the life of a 40k guardsman and got ready for the next day's session where we expected to finally be sent on our mission. Oh, that is a hell of an introduction, but bang, bang. I'm a tank, I'm a tank, I'm a tank, I'm a tank.
Starting point is 00:09:21 I'm a tank, I'm a tank. The second session started with us watching my character's execution by the commissar. Whoa. Whoa. Then we were put back in the same bloody trench and told to hold the line. We did better this time.
Starting point is 00:09:41 We actually held out long enough for fresh ammo and reinforcements to come up. But in the end, we died. Then we brought up new characters and did it again in another part of the trenches. Then again, then again. We were rolling up new characters between turns now, either to bring in his reinforcements or for what we had to start up as a new unit. Very rarely we would survive long enough to be rotated to the rear to take a non-fatal injury and get evacked. Usually we all died. finally after three in-game days
Starting point is 00:10:10 and dozens of character deaths we were told to charge. Whoa, this is extremely more accurate. This is the life of a guardsman, for sure. Like, holy shit. I love how it's like,
Starting point is 00:10:25 second session start with us watching my character's execution by the comic star. Very nonchalant. Like, yeah, I tried to, I tried to escape, but no, the Commasar executed me. Damn it. We bitched hard when we heard this. It was a death sentence.
Starting point is 00:10:40 Our characters had done well this time. We were all still alive and ammo levels were good. We knew our squad could have held up much longer in our nice safe trenches. Our DM asked us if we wanted to lodge our complaints in character. So we shut up in charge. We died like animals. We fought on the left blank of a charge. Then on the right and got to play our first armored characters in the center.
Starting point is 00:11:04 When the charge failed, we played us about. Basclis crew covering the retreat. Then our regiment was rotated off the front. Our regiment had, oh, Baselisk, that's a, that's one of those giant howitz or mortars in the back. In case you didn't know, those things are fucking cool. They're giant howitzers,
Starting point is 00:11:21 like a tank crew. Our regiment had lost a third of its strength in that first engagement. Out of a dozen of characters, only ten had survived. Oh, dozens of characters only ten had survived. And five of those were artillery men who never saw the enemy. We were shown the battle map.
Starting point is 00:11:37 We were shown where our squads held or failed. We were shown how our charge weakened the enemy for the fresh and much more valuable, reserve troops to come up and break them. We were given a summary of the next few months of light skirmishes and mustering. Then we were sent into battle against traitor guard. Ooh. Oh, chaos-based guards. Okay.
Starting point is 00:11:56 I don't think I know anything about traitor guards. They're just guardsmen that pledge their service to chaos. Oh, great. They're just guardsmen that looks. Oh, actually, there's the picture right there. Oh, yeah, they look like zombies. Yeah. A little bit.
Starting point is 00:12:12 They're just like fucking up. Yeah. Zombie humans. We were taking a city this time, and once again, our regiment acted as the cannon fodder. We secured and pushed and secured and pushed and died and died. We decided we'd take the orcs back any day. At least with them, it was obvious who the enemy was, and their snipers and heavy weapon teams were nothing compared to what we were fighting here.
Starting point is 00:12:35 We were higher level this time and better at the game. But still, we died in droves, leaving only a few characters alive when our regiment was stood down while a veteran regiment took the lead. Once again, we got to see the nice little map of our progress, and we got all, we all got a warm, fuzzy feeling when he showed us how our stubborn defense of one building had crippled an enemy advance. But we were exhausted. Our DM pressed us to play fast and make new characters faster. We would roll up little Jimmy, who lied about his age to enlist. Then having him bleeding out in a pile of rubble within a handful of minutes. Whoa!
Starting point is 00:13:13 This is getting so dark. Yo, Little Jimmy died for the emperor. As far as I'm concerned, you lived a better life than we did. It drained us. We were actually glad to take the evening off from playing to just watch movies and hang out. Oof. Little Jimmy. Poor little Jimmy.
Starting point is 00:13:30 Little Jimmy. You see that word bearer over there? That 10,000-year-old Chaos Space Marine, who was alive? during the Horace Here's a fucking Meltzer grenade Charge him Get him get him
Starting point is 00:13:43 And little Jimmy's like Woo let's go Um The final day of our marathon Start with more orcs But this time we won I said to say we didn't die Like frogs in a blender
Starting point is 00:13:57 But we damn well won We pushed them out of their barricades And hounded them across the planes When they routed I played a gunner and a salamander Oh um Not the not the Oh, not the Chad boys?
Starting point is 00:14:10 No, not them. Salamander was like a scout tank, I think. So like that. During the chase and mowed down green skins like ugly blades of grass. We parted like champs in the tiny redneck town. We liberated, then settled in for a few months of boring garrison duty before we got redeployed. Then we fought some tyrantids. It was only a splinter fleet, so we actually had a chance, but it was hell.
Starting point is 00:14:32 Our regiment was offending an evact point on some grassy agro worlds, and it was trenchwork again. is of course agricultural world. We burned off the grass to clear lines of fire, dug ourselves into the rich soil instead of heavy weapons, and watched the edge of the burn area like hawks. Trigger happy hawks, as it turned out, we wound up failing a spot check
Starting point is 00:14:51 and killing the first few retreating PDF to go through the grass. Oh. Well, the tyrantids came, it was ridiculous. We mowed down wave after wave of gons, but unlike orcs, tyranids don't lose morale and break. They just keep coming as fast as you can kill them.
Starting point is 00:15:10 We stopped using actual dice for a while just so we could roll combat faster. I'm impressed with this with this GM. He's doing the scale pretty well. This is very Tyrannids. What a what a life as a garden. It's like, hey, we finally drove back the orcs. Fantastic. We got that done.
Starting point is 00:15:32 What next? Tyrannids. Of course, Tyrannids. It's always Tyrannids. Damn it. They seem to like fighting the horde enemies. Mm-hmm. The bastards in command had decided to do a collapsing defense,
Starting point is 00:15:45 which meant we fought until the front trench was collapsing, then they shelled the bejesus at us while we were doing it. We lost something like 20 PCs to our own Goram shells, but it really did work out pretty well, at least until we ran out of ground to give. All the civies were out, it was just a few regiments of guard, crammed into a spaceport completely surrounded by the swarm.
Starting point is 00:16:08 We were killing them off as fast as possible and hoping that either reinforcements or evac would come down before ammo ran out. Things started to get bad when the higher forms of tyrannid started appearing. Gaunts and gargals are bad enough. It's when the warriors showed up that we started taking serious casualties. The Evac shuttles that started to ferrymen up
Starting point is 00:16:27 and we had some actual air support. Unfortunately, our regiment was going to be the rear guard. The end was in sight and Morro was holding up well right, up until we encountered a lictor brood. Then things started to fall apart. I hate lictors. I bloody hate them. We played three backline squads in a row,
Starting point is 00:16:45 and each one was torn to bloody shreds by those sneaky bastards, all without us landing a kill. We started to rout, but our commissar and his guards went into the breach, killed one of them, and shouted the regiment back into position. Yikes. You got all the lictors.
Starting point is 00:17:00 All nasty, little tentacle mouth fuckers. Yikes. Yeah. Gross. Lictors are nasty They had a better model Oh do they have shitty old models Really old models
Starting point is 00:17:12 They look really bad Our Evac finally came And what was left of our regiment Started the final retreat There were a few valiant last stands But most of us managed to get to the shuttles Our final squad had just boarded And was taking off when the air interdiction
Starting point is 00:17:25 broke down A tier and air units started attacking the shuttles We were equal parts pissed and terrified As our DN described shuttle After shuttle being destroyed The regimental commander's bird was nailed early So were the bigger so were the bigger shuttles with the vehicles You didn't say who was in most of the shuttles
Starting point is 00:17:43 Just rolled his dice and removed them from the board as they fell It was heartbreaking Finally there was only one shuttle left Even though the Tyrann Flyers swarmed it None of their shots seemed to hit and it started climb out the atmosphere Then it was a way I don't know what Why'd you stop?
Starting point is 00:18:05 I don't know what the Why'd you, why'd you, why'd you, why just, why'd you stop? I don't know what, uh, I don't know, uh, I don't know, uh, I don't know why you stopped. Uh, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, then it was away. The flyers broke off and that one shuttle was headed for its fleet transport, free and clear. Would you like to continue with D.K? I'm sure. Sure.
Starting point is 00:18:39 I would. I would love. Love to continue. Chai's silence speaks volumes. I can't see the recording studio chat. She doesn't say anything, so it's okay. Inside the shuttle, our last set of characters was trying to figure out what the hell was going on. There were about 50 guardsmen crammed into a 20-man shuttle, and no one was telling us anything. We had all heard the Tyrannid Flyers attacking, and everyone felt it when we were
Starting point is 00:19:09 we hit space. The guardsman close to the cockpit relayed what they could overhear from the pilots radio. So everyone knew that the other shuttles had been attacked, but no one was sure exactly what happened. In any case, we were all happy to be alive and we're looking forward to getting off the crowded shuttle. Then the shuttle stopped. The guards made of the cockpit told us we were being redirected to a different transport and the pilots did not look happy. When the shuttle docked, everyone piled out and we completely empty loading bay an order came via the speaker system
Starting point is 00:19:41 to form up a rank form up by rank for inspection at this point our GM gave us the list of the guardsmen who were on the shuttle every single character would survive the battle had been on the shuttle along with a few other grunts all 37 of our beloved guardsmen had lived with the exception
Starting point is 00:19:57 of the artillery crew we played but screw those guys team killing jerks interesting we formed up and after a bit of way in the doors open and then a few squads of stormtroopers marched him. I think the stormtroopers are like the tempest of Sions. Those dudes. I was thinking like Star Wars with the white helmets and the armor and everything.
Starting point is 00:20:19 Marched and instructed us to drop our weapons. There was a bit of an argument at this point until the captain of the stormtroos pulled out an inquisitorial rosette and told us that we are currently guests of the Ordo Zenos. Oh no. Oh, no. We've been covered the intrusion yet, have we? No-uh. Okay, but you're very familiar with the Inquisition's debauchery, right?
Starting point is 00:20:41 Yeah, this doesn't seem good. This seems like a bad thing to be a guest of. After we were done pissing ourselves and disarming an acolyte and a team of Medicaid, entered. We were informed that our regiment had been disbanded. We were officially dead, and we would all be subject to a scan for gene-stealer infection. at this point our DM ended the session
Starting point is 00:21:06 we were each handed copies of the dark heresy core book a list of our surviving guardsmen with all the filler grunts crossed off and we were told to pick our characters for the next game so that's how our DM those backstories
Starting point is 00:21:19 oh man they were just what a guy they lived and they were like by the way Gene Steelers might have gone to you so goodbye Jesus.
Starting point is 00:21:35 It's never, you never have a happy moment as a guardsman, do you? What a classic guardsman story. Fucking perfect. Oh, it sucks to be guardsman in 40K. It sucks. You get to die for the emperor, man. Yeah, but you still die. It doesn't matter what you died for.
Starting point is 00:21:52 You're still dead. Whoa. Uh-oh. Did I just heresy? It doesn't matter what you die for? Uh-oh, I think I just heresied. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Where's my
Starting point is 00:22:05 meme? Where's my meme? There it is. I got to post it. Whoa, mama. That's heresy. So what? We're at guardsmen and pilgrims now? Is that what we're doing now? Oh, shit, right. What's number two, shy? What's the next one you want us to read? Oh, yeah. What's the next one? Ooh, man, this thing is hard. Guardsman and Pilgrims? Okay. Okay, so that is the next one that we read. Okay, sweet. We should go in order. All right.
Starting point is 00:22:37 It looks like you're first then. All right. So last time, the surviving remnants of a regiment of Imperial Guard found themselves the guests of Ordos Zenos. Several guardsmen were found to be harboring gene-stealer infections and were purged. But the remainder were given the opportunity to continue to serve the Imperium as soldiers of the Inquisition. So no shit. There we were, 37 guardsmen who had just graduated the dark. Irwin School of Veterancy on an Inquisition ship getting told that our lives would now consist of hanging out with just about the scariest people in the Imperium and doing whatever they told us to.
Starting point is 00:23:14 Serving the Inquisition is not a very normal job, as in there's no way of knowing how things are going to work or what you'll have to do. Inquisitors have tons of leeway in how they do things, so each one runs their team in their own unique way. You might get an Inquisitor who likes to travel around following rumors and hanging out with heroes of the Imperium and it's your job to act as the Calvary when they get in trouble. You might get an Inquisitor who's really into research and wind up spending all your time guarding an incredibly disturbing science facility.
Starting point is 00:23:44 You might get Inquisitor who hangs out playing psychic nursemaid to a band of spies and ends up being used as a meat suit by your boss when he feels a personal touch is needed. Or you might get the Inquisitor equivalent of a Pokemon. on trainer. Yep. Inquisitors are definitely one of like the best ways to write stuff for 40K just because they're like they have complete power like they are one of the highest authorities. They
Starting point is 00:24:12 can technically boss space marines around. Oh. Now do they like it? No. If they boss them around too hard will they with the inquisition inquisers might go missing? Maybe. Maybe. But they absolutely can be like Astardis do this, this, and this. And they're the KGB. They're literally the KGB. They're like, they're like,
Starting point is 00:24:37 Gene Stiller calls fucking inquisition. Pokemon trainer isn't the best way to put it. Pokemon professor might be better. Our inquisitor collected teams from across the sector and handed them out to interrogators who needed to get their feet wet leading a team. There was actually a pretty important role.
Starting point is 00:24:56 Not every Inquisitor has time or men despair when it approved. Nice. You know, D.K. Yeah. What is it? Do you have a girlfriend right now? At the moment, no. Okay.
Starting point is 00:25:19 When you had one, did you like rip ass in front of her ever? No. That was the last thing. wanted to do. Right, right. Okay, good, good, good. My girlfriend has a friend who's dating a guy and he's just like, just sitting in a room and he just like fucking rips it. Just loud. Like, like sitting in a goddamn wooden chair. You know, the rumbling of the earth. Like, oh my God, San Andreas's fault has fucking broken. And, and like, I'm just sitting there. Like, I burped right now accidentally and I feel fucking ashamed.
Starting point is 00:25:55 And yet, he is really. ripping the tectonic plates. He, like, he is crushing. He is crushing it. And I'm just sitting here like, fuck, I shouldn't be upset with myself, but I guess I should because I stopped me from doing it. But I'm like, oh my God.
Starting point is 00:26:13 Your debauchery is recorded for the world to see. How do you feel? I feel so embarrassed. I feel so embarrassed. And I know I shouldn't. What the fuck was I saying? I don't remember you burped in the middle of it. The interrogators would get their feet wet leading a team.
Starting point is 00:26:35 This was actually a pretty important role. Now everyone Quistler has time or men despair when an apprentice interrogator is ready to move on so they would get sent to our boss. He would set them up with a team and mission and keep an eye on how they did. He had a real name, but we just called him Professor Oak. Oak had a fair number of recruitment teams
Starting point is 00:26:53 that wandered around looking for fresh meets, one of which was hanging around our battle checking for Gene Steelers and drafting guardsmen who wouldn't be missed? We got packed up and sent along to Oaks Mobile Base of Operations and got put through a crash course in being an Inquisition Goon Squad. Then we got split into squads of five or six, partner up with some combat light teams, and handed it out to dewy-eyed interrogators
Starting point is 00:27:17 at the 40K equivalent of a bulbosaur. Oh boy. All right. You're up. We were playing as the guardsman. Everyone else was handled by the DM. Each team was filled out by, filled out to the 10 by other classes leading towards the non-combat side.
Starting point is 00:27:36 Some more ad-ups, psychers, and tech priests than the other classes. There were some of everything in each group as well as the interrogator who could pretty much, who could be pretty much anything. We work with our DM to split our survivors up into groups. Then he tacked on the sheets for our NPC associates,
Starting point is 00:27:52 gave us very vague overviews of what each group's assignment was and tasked us which one we wanted to play as. The groups we didn't play as would all go on their own missions, and the survivors would meet us back at the base. We chose the squad that was being sent as part of the two-team force to check out some suspected cultist activity in a pilgrim fleet. Our roster consisted of five guardsmen, two adepts, a tech priest, a cleric, a sister of battle, and our interrogator was a former cleric,
Starting point is 00:28:20 the all guardsmen party and the pilgrim fleet. A russer going to say five guardsmen, two adepts, a tech priest, cleric, a sister, and a former cleric as an interrogator. It's a pretty well-rounded-out party. That's a JRP party, right? This is going to go bad. So imagine you're a guardsman that's just been recruited, fought a brutal campaign that wore down your regiment,
Starting point is 00:28:48 watch the remainder of that regiment get taken out by tyrannids and found yourself in the hands of the Inquisition. Then the Inquisition purges a few of your buddies, gives you an offer you can't refuse, ships you through the warp, and dumps you into a really creepy boot camp. Finally, they split you and your remaining buddies from the squads.
Starting point is 00:29:04 Introduce your squad to some weird-looking guy who seems far too excited to see you and tell you to do everything he says. Now you're hanging out in a bunch of passenger cabins on a Navy ship going Emperor knows where with a few of your buddies, an interrogator, three nerds, one of which is more metal than meat, a priest and a psychotic blonde bombshell wearing armor that's probably worth more
Starting point is 00:29:26 than all of your squad's gear combines. We were all just a weird, we were just a little weirded out. See, you lost me, man. My immersion is ruined. If a sister of battle isn't scarred and horribly ugly, it's not canon. Oh, right. She's a blonde bombshell, right? You can't work that way.
Starting point is 00:29:46 No, sir. I do like how they were like the Navy ship going, Emperor knows where, because they're not saying God knows where, because everybody praises the emperor, saying God knows would be heresy. There is no such thing as God knows, such the God Emperor.
Starting point is 00:30:01 Our merry band consisted of a cynic, a nervous med student, a lazy bastard, a shameless thief, and a paranoid by the names of Sarge, Doc, heavy nubia, and Twitch. I think the others are part of our band as well. But quite frankly, we want nothing to do with them with
Starting point is 00:30:17 the possible exception of the sister and only in the hypothetical sense. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Look at that NSFW coming into this set. No, no. All right, read the next part. If this doesn't end with one of the
Starting point is 00:30:33 main characters in flames by the sister, then this is not canon. Our interrogator and the others sent the entire journey going through the flies that Oak had sent along. planning how they would hunt down the suspected cultists, sorting out who had contacts where,
Starting point is 00:30:51 and brushing up on the exact flavor of the imperial cult that dominated the pilgrim fleet. We paid just enough attention to establish that we would be on ships the whole time, and we were not expected to actually do anything strenuous unless everything got screwed up. Then we played cards and slept a lot. Some people might say that two months is a long time to play cards and take naps,
Starting point is 00:31:13 but those people have never served in the guard. And it wasn't all sack time. Sarge made sure we kept up on our PT and combat drill. Got to stay in shape. By the end of the trip, we were all well-rested and ready to stretch our legs, whereas our teammates were wound up like springs and developing new conspiracy theories every minute.
Starting point is 00:31:32 There's no way. The GM of some of these dudes weren't in the military. This is what I hear about all the time. You serve in the Marines. It's 99% pure fucking boredom of cards and PT and jerks. off and then it's 1% of like pure fear. Pure like shit shit, shit,
Starting point is 00:31:52 like pants shit, shitting. Shitting your pants. Pants shitting, shitting your pants. I got you. I'm there with you. We finally arrived at the Pilgrim fleet, which as we understood it, was a bunch of ships full
Starting point is 00:32:07 of hardcore zealots on their way to a world they considered holier than normal to prey, sight see, and generally replaced the population. and the orc had recently removed. They had some sort of deal with the ecclesiarchy. I'm surprised I got that to provide extra transports and fleet escorts. So it was basically just an imperial colonization fleet,
Starting point is 00:32:31 except everyone was just a teeny tiny bit crazier than usual. They were hanging out in orbit around a hive world refueling, refitting, and gathering more pilgrims. The nerds and nuts, as we called them outside of their hearing, we're pretty sure that a chaos cult had infiltrated during either this stop or a previous one and was planning something very evil,
Starting point is 00:32:50 probably something to do with Gellerfields or demons or plague or heresy. We operated on the assumption that they would tell us when they figured it out. Anyhow, our ship joined the fleet escort and a bunch of voxing and leasing started. Do you know what voxing is?
Starting point is 00:33:09 If I had to guess, I'd do like, it's something like, you know, it's like DDoSing No it's like You know how like guard Kind of like a World War II vibe Mm-hmm They dudes in the front lines have like a big backpack
Starting point is 00:33:25 And it's like like a fucking Like a radio Yeah And so it's a Vox So Oh Did they have this back in the day Like didn't they have that way back in the day
Starting point is 00:33:36 It was called a Vox It was like a like a phone It's like a radio Okay So Voxing is like calling people, I'm assuming. Like when you play guard on a tabletop, you can like have a Vox so that if you want to
Starting point is 00:33:48 like send an order to a unit instead of six inches away, if a guy had a Vox, it could be 18 inches away because then you couldn't extend your order. You know, she like that. Okay. Not going to know, I'm starting to feel the whiskey here, man. You're starting to feel the fucking whiskey. We're starting to feel it. You need drink faster because I'm fucking, whoo-hoo.
Starting point is 00:34:07 We end there, boys. Our job was generally pretty simple. We were there as stand guard looked menacing and always be ready to kick some ass. The boss went somewhere official we'd slap and what the fuck is that? Is that supposed to be
Starting point is 00:34:22 an inquisitional seal? It's an Inquisition seal. Oh yeah. That's pretty clever. I was like is that two smiley faces back to back? I thought it was the same, yeah. An Inquisition seal badge on and flank him like good little goons. If the boss went somewhere unofficial, we leave
Starting point is 00:34:38 the badges off and slouch a little truly remaster of disguise. Whenever the nerd and nuts took shuttle ships to look up leads and meet contacts, at least one of us would tag along to watch their back or be on hand in case of emergency. Except when the sister visited other sororatists, we weren't invited on those trips for some reason. Smart fucking GM. Gee, I wonder.
Starting point is 00:34:59 When we weren't on duty, we each had our own little pastime. Sarge would worry about what insanity our superiors were planning while Doc would read as beginner's guide of medicine and heavy slept. Nubby would wander around looking for small objects no one would miss. he did this while on duty too and I lost my section and Twitch would have sensibly craft tripwire traps
Starting point is 00:35:21 and drink recalph what the fuck is recap I got it's like future caffeine right it like it recalconates you right come on recap it recaps you oh yeah it's coffee I see I told you
Starting point is 00:35:38 where the fuck was recaffing I told you Recaf. Oh! It's the caffeine. What'd you do? I hurt myself. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's fine. I slammed my hand on the ground and I hit one of my fucking, I hit my desk really hard, but I also hit one of my files. Oh. It's okay. It's fine. I'm not bleeding, I think. I was remembering this old text of speech episode, and it was, everyone got really drunk.
Starting point is 00:36:11 And some dude from the Death Watch was talking to Lehman Russ. And it was like, I'm sorry. it was no that the watch Dark Angels It's like it's just that like Rely and fucking rival me whatever it's like
Starting point is 00:36:24 You know by the way Fuck recap and he like Leaves I didn't know Recaf was Now I know It's coffee It's coffee
Starting point is 00:36:32 All right Eventually they must have Figured something out Because we all Rebased to a single Pilgrimship And may It's getting
Starting point is 00:36:44 It's getting hard to read Isn't it? It's getting hard to read. The guest of the captain. Well, everyone else was running around saying things like, the game is afoot and we almost have them, and I can practically smell them. Sartre has gear up and get ready for everything to go ployne-shaped.
Starting point is 00:37:01 The cavalcade of screw-ups started with one of our nerds finding a chaos toome in a collection of holy relics and immediately designed that it was his inquisitional duty to find out exactly what flavor of soul-destroying evil it was by reading it. Unfortunately, Nubby was currently on babysitting duty and was not experienced to know with the correct response to someone doing this to hit them until they stop being stupid. Instead, he called for backup,
Starting point is 00:37:27 which is a pretty good response in any case, while he kept the priest who owned the Relic Collection cover him. By the time backup arrived, the adept was giggling and speaking backwards. Backup consisted of heavy in Twitch as well as, unfortunately, the other adept in the cog boy. The two sane-ish nerds that decide that the correct response here was to try to take the book away from the gibbering adept
Starting point is 00:37:48 and start chasing him around the room. Since neither of the adepts know the tech priest were very athletic, the chase looked a lot more like a bunch of nerdy kids trying to play tagging inquisition agents pursuing a heretical artifact. I've just reading this and I'm seeing the fucking doom monster on the bottom of this one. And I'm so terrified.
Starting point is 00:38:05 None of us felt comfortable taking the initiative here. So we all just cover the doors to make sure no one entered or exited. And so they're watching the demented game of Keepaway. Then the gibbering adept. finished the spell he had apparently been reciting and a minor demon manifested. Wait, did you skip one? Did you, did you do two?
Starting point is 00:38:27 Because you, you were doing the, the one with the badge on it, and you went down to the one that had Jackie Chan on it. Did you skip? You did two in a row? Oh, I think I skipped half of that one. You're right. Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. A drunken super.
Starting point is 00:38:45 I was like, wait, I missed them. I thought I was following along and then I was like oh wait he's all the way down here that makes sense and I was like wait a minute I got it I got it it was right after the recap part um the rest of us is just like fluff it's fine go read the demon part
Starting point is 00:39:01 oh I know shit oh man is is the liquor working read the demon read the thing I want to know I'm invested this galvanized us nicely and all three of us
Starting point is 00:39:21 started pouring las fire into the thing before it could do anything. Unfortunately, the priest we'd been covering took the chance to run for it. Then the gibbering adep followed him out the door. Then both our nerds gave chase. And now all four were running through a room full of pilgrims. The priest was screaming about heretics and demons. The adep was screaming about the glory of chaos. And the nerds were still trying to wrestle the book away.
Starting point is 00:39:50 The Pilgrims mobbed the insane adept and chore him in the book apart in seconds. Ouch. Then started chasing the nerds with similar intent. The Cogboy apparently took charge and decided that not being torn to pieces was the better part of valor. Then he concluded that the safest place to hide from a mob of maddened imperial zealots was the tech priest who kept the ship running. The nerds ran all the way to the ship's engine rooms with a steadily growing mob at their heels, baying for
Starting point is 00:40:21 blood. The tech priest let them in and closed the door behind them, but the mob refused did the disperse and settled in to siege them out. Meanwhile, the- Right, because they were on an inquisition-like ship. So all the crew were like, oh my God, they were in the same room as a demon, fucking kill them. Meanwhile,
Starting point is 00:40:42 meanwhile, the heroic guardsman shot the minor daemon until it stopped moving, then stomped on it until it stopped being solid. Good job. Good job. That done, we went to check on the runners and saw the mob chase them out. This was above our pay grade,
Starting point is 00:41:01 so we decided to kick the problem upstairs and fort it up while we waited for further orders. Eventually, our cleric and sister arrived with Sarge and Doc in tow, and the boss voxed us all. We gave our report. The nerds were voxed, and every time they say voxed,
Starting point is 00:41:18 It seems weird. Then the boss gave us our orders. Us guardsmen were to secure the relics and demonic remains. The nuts were sent to talk to the pilgrim leadership to get theirs. Oh, wait. Did I just, did I just? Wait, wait. Leadership to get the mob dispersed.
Starting point is 00:41:36 Yeah. Yeah. Us guardsmen were to secure the relics and demonic remains. The nuts were sent to talk to the pilgrim leadership to get their mob dispersed, and the boss would talk to the captain and get some support. sent down. This sounded like a pretty good plan. By this point, we'd started to suspect that
Starting point is 00:41:54 we were the only competent people on the team. What happened next proved us right. It's getting a lot harder to read these. It's getting a little difficult to read this. I agree. It's getting a lot harder to read and comprehend this, but you know, it's... After this next
Starting point is 00:42:10 thing, the one right after that says, Tau battle plan. Oh, yeah, it does. I need so. And I'm like, Ooh. I'm sorry. Did you just say you need some water and then you cracked open a soda or something? It's sparkling water.
Starting point is 00:42:29 Is that a little croy? No, it's, it's, it's called aha. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, watermelon and lime. It's water. Why are you laughing? It's not, it's, it's, it's, it's, there's, there's, water in this can. My dude.
Starting point is 00:42:59 I... Mmm, H-2O. Shut up. Wait, where, do I... Mmm. Fuck you, man. I've got sea salt and vinegar chips. Oh, that's my favorite flavor.
Starting point is 00:43:17 Mm-hmm. I don't have that. What brand? Oh, it's, um, called Miss Vicki's looks like this. Oh, that's, that's solid. That's, yeah, solid. It came with that sandwich I got
Starting point is 00:43:30 Oh yeah Yeah Subway does miss Vickies I do they I never order I never order Chisner on a subway I only get Subway if it's like a Like a breakfast thing
Starting point is 00:43:43 Like because I'm trying to be like I don't want to cook breakfast But I'm healthy I want to be healthy So I'll get like a thingy It's the most important meal of the day And I almost never have it No
Starting point is 00:43:54 We're not reading the story Oh yeah, we're not Whatever, dude Well, yeah How long did you try what this is to go for How long have we been going for? My recording says 50 minutes But the first 16 was you getting your camera to work
Starting point is 00:44:18 You fucking boomer Hey, hey, fuck you buddy You, man Look, I don't use my cam a lot What am I supposed to do? Go run away from a vacuum, you thousand sons fuck. Whoa, go run
Starting point is 00:44:31 away from a... That's fucked up, dude. I'm clean. I know how vacuums work. You're clean, you know how vacuums work? Yeah. The joke is that the thousand sons
Starting point is 00:44:47 guys are made with dust, you don't. Oh. I knew that. I knew I knew that What are you fucking talking about? I was playing.
Starting point is 00:45:04 Our interrogator marched up to the captain of the imperial vessel. A man who could trace his family's command to ship back to the founding of the sector and started giving him orders. This did not go well. While our interrogator was an agent of the inquisition and had the Rosette to prove it, he was not an inquiscer. And the captain of an imperial vessel is generally considered to be second only to emperor by their crew.
Starting point is 00:45:27 You mentioned earlier about like space marines. Like if an inquisitor walks up to a captain of a vessel that everyone likes and they're like, fuck you, the crew's going to be like, they're very upset. He managed to insult the captain in about six different ways in three sentences, which resulted in him getting his ass thrown in the brig until he remembered his manners. The captain then sent us a brief message instructing us to sort out any
Starting point is 00:45:57 problems with the cargo without bothering him or his crew. While we were digesting this new development, the cleric and the sister got jumped by the cultists we were looking for. Luckily, the sister and the cleric were heavily... Nice.
Starting point is 00:46:13 They were heavily armored, incredibly paranoid. And far more level-headed in an emergency than we nerds were. They fought a retreat to the sororitus conclave and kept watch over the shipload of pilgrims in Duggan. Unfortunately, the only sisters in this conclave were hospitalers and some other non-combat orders so while they could handle a
Starting point is 00:46:32 bolter, they weren't suited to breaking out against the besieging cultists. But it's simply, they were, hospitalers are like sisters of battle medics. But it's simply, they were stuck until help came, just like our adept and cog boy.
Starting point is 00:46:46 It was down to us to pull everyone's asses out of the fire and take care of business before things got any words. Oof. You know the sisters of battle, the hospitaler has a model on the tabletop. She's got all these fucking, like, needles and stuff on her back.
Starting point is 00:47:01 And she can attack in melee and it's just like plus one armor penetration because she like sticks through the fucking needle. So no shit, there we were. A bunch of ordinary guardsmen on a spaceship full of crazy pilgrims
Starting point is 00:47:17 and cultists. Our boss was in the brig until the captain was no longer pissed at him. Our nerds were trapped behind the mob that wanted to burn the missile. What are you doing over there? Jesus. I'm trying to read. Trying to read.
Starting point is 00:47:33 Our boss was in the... Wait, no, wrong. Wait, is that the right one? No, right. Fucking sigh. Be louder, Brooke, you can still hear him. So no shit, there we were. A bunch of ordinary guardsmen and spaceship full of crazy pilgrims and cult.
Starting point is 00:47:51 Our boss was in the brig until the captain was no longer pissed at him. Are you okay? Are you okay? What happened? I'm okay You okay Okay
Starting point is 00:48:04 Okay Our boss was in the break Until the captain Was no longer pissed Our nerds trapped behind A mob that wanted to burn them As heretic Our nuts
Starting point is 00:48:18 Were pinned down By a bunch of actual heretics And it was our job To fix everything Sarge took command of the situation And started going through The Imperial Guard NCO disaster response checklist
Starting point is 00:48:31 Step one secure the perimeter. Step two, determine the chain of command. Step three, call for backup if needed. Step four, establish contact with friendlies. Step five, combined forces with friendlies, and repeat. Step one was already done. We had the perimeter locked down like nobody's business.
Starting point is 00:48:53 There just wasn't anything we actually cared about inside of it. Step two was a bit trickier because we were still in Vox contact with the nerds. and nuts, and we didn't trust them to tie their shoes, much less leaden O.P. We solved that problem by saying something about Vox interface and reducing the pickup range on our comrades until we could selectively ignore them. Step three was accomplished by asking the Cogboy to get his ad-Mag buddies to send out the contact code for the interrogator team that was looking at the fleet. step four was already done as well we knew exactly where the friendlies were there was a bunch of armed cultist and an angry mom between us and them all that was left was to get cracking on step five i have no idea what i just read i um something about them securing a ship there were steps also i know there were steps and they need to get cracking on step five
Starting point is 00:50:01 that that's you you're the next you're the next oh yeah it's right sorry yeah I don't know if you were waiting for me but you yeah that's um we aside that all things consider the cleric and sister could use our help
Starting point is 00:50:20 more and revive much more in return so for them first mark guys no for them first also they were hold up with a bunch of hot nurses as opposed to creepy machine men hey man embecker well no it's about right they're creepy yeah unfortunately
Starting point is 00:50:34 we still had our orders not to let anyone touch the demon goo or look for evil books. Whether I had to split up, which was stupid, or had for reinforcements, which would be coming for a while, or used our initiative. So we tossed an incinerary grenade into the room and locked the doors, and we went to rescue some hot nurses. Unsurprisingly, the cultists had set up an outer perimeter
Starting point is 00:50:52 to keep out any reinforcements. So after we established where they fell back, we started looking for other options, let me put forth the idea that the pilgrims seem inclined to mob heretics, and these were definitely heretics, and why charge a fortified position? when you could get someone else do it for you.
Starting point is 00:51:10 Shut the fuck up, shy. You get on camera, you think it's so... You get on camera I think it's so easy. What the fuck is she saying? What's this backseat fucking recording shit?
Starting point is 00:51:21 You get on goddamn camera if you're so like, Bricky, just just exist. I didn't ask to be born? Yeah, what the fuck, dude? You know, pay all these bills. I didn't ask for this.
Starting point is 00:51:34 Yeah, you know, this is, this, look, I was trying to check the ABV. What's ABV? Alcohol by volume. It's, I can't read the words on the bottle right now.
Starting point is 00:51:49 It's got to be at least 40% ABV. Just say proof, you fucking proof. This doesn't have any proof. Oh, wait, I found it. 48.9% alcohol by volume. That's a lot of alcohol. Do you know what
Starting point is 00:52:06 proof is DK? Yeah. It's literally It's evident. I know you don't, so I'm going to tell you now. Literally just the proof is double the alcohol percentage. What 48.9 you said?
Starting point is 00:52:22 49. Yes, 48.9. 98. 98 proof. 98 proof. Yeah, that's what I'm drinking. Like, you can't. It's right there.
Starting point is 00:52:34 it's right there it's fucking they did a rogue speech about the hot nuns needed their help and they have an army of zealots all right there go fucking
Starting point is 00:52:45 they have an army of zealots yeah fuck you shy there's like there's like seven more of these we're not going to be able to get through this eight more just eight more we're not going to be able to get through these the attack went more or less perfectly the mob charged in from
Starting point is 00:53:02 two directions and after the cult is started mowing them down, we came in from a third. We cut into their flank like the pros we were suppressing, advancing, and flushing, like only a squad of guardsmen can. When we started to hit the cultus covering the sororitus enclave, the sisters and the cleric saw their chance and pushed forward to meet us. Crushing! The last of the resistance.
Starting point is 00:53:29 Unfortunately, the second we rescued them, the sisters and cleric started giving orders. Command of the zealots was taken from us, and the entire mob was redirected toward the section of the ship where the cultists came from. Perforce, we tagged along, but none of us were exactly keen to be taking orders again, especially since the sisters' plans seemed to consist of, get him!
Starting point is 00:53:55 So while the sisters and the cleric led the mom straight into a well-prepared enemy position, we appointed ourselves as the hospitality. Our squad hung around at the rear of the charge and helped the saner sisters pick up the wounded while we watched our flankers and waited for the shit to hit the fan. We fully expected the mob's suicidal rush to fail, a lightly armed force trying to press through a choke point into a fortified enemy position wasn't going to work no matter how high their morale was. we weren't prepared for just how hard it failed through. The cultist had not set up a very nice kill zone at the single entry point to their cargo bay. They had also set up all sorts of ruins and circles in the kill zone.
Starting point is 00:54:51 The wave of bodies attack resulted in a whole lot of dying right on top of these ruins, which immediately started glowing and doing warpy stuff. by the time the mob lost heart and started to retreat, the cargo bay was practically filled, filled with lesser demons. We took the reverse in the flow of bodies as our cue to move forward and lay down some covering fire. I have no idea what I just read.
Starting point is 00:55:19 None of it stuck. None of it. I am. I'm going to like, demons, the war monsters, there's trench duty I thought they were on the ship
Starting point is 00:55:34 I don't fucking know apparently demons I think demons I don't I like how one of after a few weeks of our
Starting point is 00:55:54 NAR or as close as you can get on an Inquisition battleship a runner came down Well you skipped That's not the one above that Okay We were being assigned to a new team under interrogator such and such. And we were to report to our shuttle immediately with a wary sigh.
Starting point is 00:56:09 We packed our bags or overloaded wheelbarrow in Nubby's case and headed out to our transport. When we got to the shuttle, the piloted, it helpedfully informed us that the interrogator is two assistants and his three psychers were already abhorred. Twitch and Nubby both tried to run for it, but the shuttle's hatch was already closed. Twitch and Nubby were retrieved and we all moved into the main seating area of the shuttle. we were greeted by our new interrogator and introduced to our new teammates, one of whom was giggling and shrewing on a seat cushion. As we stared in horror,
Starting point is 00:56:38 the interrogator gave us the quick briefing, explaining that we had been assigned to go find out why a world hadn't been supplying Cycars to the black ships. We did not have a, those are the ships that take Sykers to feed to the emperor. How do you still know this stuff? You know, I read the last one. I read the last one.
Starting point is 00:57:01 That's what I did. You skipped one. Yeah, I know I did. I've given up. It's okay. Keep going. You got this, buddy. I believe in you.
Starting point is 00:57:14 You're not even following. That was the end. Oh, was it really? Wait, was it? Did you reach the end of that story? I knew that. I knew. No, DK, no.
Starting point is 00:57:31 What? You said you were done. I skipped the final paragraph and I read it and it's over. Oh, okay. So, so, I don't, I'm, look, man, I've had a lot. I've had a lot. Have you had seven shots worth? More.
Starting point is 00:57:53 Really? Than seven. I, I've filled this glass like, Whoa, I almost spilled that. I fell this class like five times, dude. And that's way more than a shot in this class. Way more. I depends.
Starting point is 00:58:11 And this is heavy shit. I will admit, almost a 0% alcohol is pretty heavy. That's got a lot. It's heavy. And you got to understand this is whiskey that tastes like a chimney fire. So it's got that leathery taste to it. It tastes It tastes like fire
Starting point is 00:58:33 Yes, it's smoky as all get out I've had a lot of it As all get out Yeah That's by Jordan Peel No, no Not the movie Like
Starting point is 00:58:45 That's a good movie man I never saw it It's good It's actually pretty good I heard it was a good Horror flick but It was Horror movies these days are terrible
Starting point is 00:58:57 That's why that one's the exception It's pretty good. Yeah, they're just copying Japanese stuff. And it's like, come on, man. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was like early 2000s when they were like, we're going to remake the ring. We're going to remake the grudge.
Starting point is 00:59:11 We're going to, like, Japanese stuff nowadays is good still. Yeah. Dude, fucking Korean movies right now. Is it Korean? Well, no, I just say Korean movies are really good right now. Have you ever seen a movie called Visitor Q? No, I haven't. It's the best.
Starting point is 00:59:32 I don't know how it didn't get memed on more. It literally has a scene where a mother is lactating so much from her boobs that the character has to get on an umbrella and sit on the floor with it because there's too much. There's too much milk. Stop. It's too much milk. Stop. DK.
Starting point is 00:59:55 DK. Can I ask you something? Yeah. Yeah. Why the fuck? will I watch that? I don't know. Where else are you going to see that besides Japan?
Starting point is 01:00:09 I was saying about Korean movies. Right, but Korean... Korean film is amazing. Did you not see parasite? Did you not see parasite? I didn't see parasite yet, but... Did you see train to Busan? No.
Starting point is 01:00:28 It's Poussum, by the way. It's supposed to B. It's all the B, but you pronounce it like Pusan. I guess. I don't... Okay. But, I mean, where else are you going to see lactation to the point where you need an umbrella?
Starting point is 01:00:45 Nowhere! You're not going to see that in American cinema. They're too cultured for that. Too much respect and dignity. I hate... I hate you. I hate you. I deal with your fucking...
Starting point is 01:01:02 I deal with these fucking people in the fucking comments section who are like, Bricky doesn't like anime because he's racist to the Japanese. And I have to listen to that day in and day out. I'm like, Jojo sucks. And it's like, wow, Bricky. It sure must be nice to being racist. And I'm like, no, don't worry, Bricky. Don't worry.
Starting point is 01:01:23 The guy, Avon Gilead is a masterpiece. He just jerks off on a girl in coma in the first 10 minutes. But trust me, it gets better. What the fuck up? You made me spit up whiskey. It's the first time that's ever happened. Evangelion is good until you get to the ending, right? It's good.
Starting point is 01:01:48 Omedito, omedito. What the fuck? Okay, you're half Japanese so I can't be upset with you. But what the fuck are you saying? That's the ending to Evangelian. It's like this weird LSD trip where they just keep congratulating. Shinji on finally not being a pussy. I thought that
Starting point is 01:02:05 the ending of Evangelion was a cover of Frank Sinatra's Fly Me to the Moon. Dude, that's the ending credits you, like the ending episodes, like the last couple episodes. Like the last episode is just like all the characters going, oh my bito! Shinji, oh my God, you're so great.
Starting point is 01:02:24 And they just clap and it's awkward and it's weird. And that's why they made all the movies because they're like, our ending sucks. So we need to make movies to make this good. I thought Shinji made one-plied toilet paper look like the rock. He is kind of a bitch. That's true. Okay.
Starting point is 01:02:42 I think Elian's OG ending is stupid. Watch the movies. Watch the remake movies. Those are all right. Will people be upset with that opinion? No. No, that's a pretty common opinion. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:02:57 Okay. Look, I have a shelf of manga. I think I'd know what anime opinion. do have that. Listen, listen, okay. Listen, I don't, I don't hate, I don't hate a girlfriend. I don't hate, oh, what? Yeah, right there. Right to girlfriend?
Starting point is 01:03:12 Right there. It's one through five. You know what happened like, like, maybe like a year ago or less? Fucking Hideo Miyazaki was like anime is fucking trash. Right now, it's hair quote. Hold on, let me finish
Starting point is 01:03:32 Okay Because right now Anime is like Is like surface level It objectifies women It does all this kind of stuff Right Yes it does
Starting point is 01:03:42 And I was like And everyone got mad at him And I was like What's that scene from Nardia Where it's like Do not recite the old magic to me Which Before I was there
Starting point is 01:03:55 When it was written I was like No no no It was fucking Hannibal Burris Where he's like Why are you booing me? I'm right.
Starting point is 01:04:01 And I was like, because my girlfriend grew up watching Studio Ghibli movies her whole life. And I never saw a single one. Never? And she showed me, Porcaroso, Spirited Away, Prisle Samoanoke, House Movement Castle, and they're all great. They are.
Starting point is 01:04:20 They're amazing. They're incredible. And I'm looking at them and I'm like, wow, this is so good. And then someone's like, you, Bricky, here's a couple hundred dollars, go watch high school DXD. And I have never been
Starting point is 01:04:34 close to putting a 12 gauge in my mouth. Oh no. I can't. No, actually I said true. I had to watch Aramanga Sensei. That was the 12 gauge. No. I lost a bet on that one. I lost the bet on that one. If you really want a 12 gauge, there's an anime. It's called
Starting point is 01:04:53 Orimo. It's called Orimo. And it translates. The full title is my sister can't be this cute. I've heard of that, yes, people will tell me about that one. And it's crazy because he, like, the finale got a lot of heat on Twitter because he had the choice between all of these wifus to date. And his sister? He chose his sister to date.
Starting point is 01:05:20 Did they actively chose his sister? I'm sorry. And they got mad at the show for that when the show's literal translation is, oh my sister can't be this cute like okay okay so like yeah yeah that's like getting mad that the girl is stuck in the fucking washing machine gets bones
Starting point is 01:05:39 like like I'm sorry welcome to the natural progression of society acceptance I love the meme video of that where like the sister's caught in the machine's like step brother come help me and he just literally helps her out and he looks at the camera like what are you expecting
Starting point is 01:05:55 you pervert it's my sister what am I supposed to do it where you're stuck in the machine let me help her out you know cowboy Bibab is fucking great though cowboy Bibab is amazing
Starting point is 01:06:07 it's the only anime that I've legitimately rewatched I thought you liked Black Lagoon oh it's it's got good points absolutely I've never seen Black Lagoon it's good
Starting point is 01:06:21 it's got good characters it's not bad I have no interest in rewatching it but it's not bad it's not bad You should read Berserk No Yeah No I don't want to see a guy
Starting point is 01:06:34 You're raped by a horse Does that happen Excuse me That seems like a Berserk thing That might actually happen Or was this girlfriend that gets raped by a horse Something like that Costco
Starting point is 01:06:46 Has no luck in Berserk She's always getting It's his It's his main squeeze She's like Always half naked I play Bloodborn that's fair actually
Starting point is 01:07:02 it's fair it has one of the best arcs in manga though in anime history the golden arc is one of the best arcs ever when did it come out what year oh god
Starting point is 01:07:15 it's it's old it's how old is old because let's not forget that currently we are in 2021 and and that and the dark night came out in 2008 the dark night is 13 years old. No, it's
Starting point is 01:07:31 not. Is it? The Dark Night, 2008 film. Oh, that's, that hurts. Iron Man won 2008. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like that. I don't like that. Return of the King.
Starting point is 01:07:47 Return of the King. Return the King is 18 years old. 2003. I really don't like that. What you get for like anime? You get to feel old. Probably. Preserk must have started in like the 80s. Okay, then maybe it's okay.
Starting point is 01:08:05 It might be okay. In the 90s and before I like a lot better because they aren't just constant noise and they know how to use silence. You know, did you watch Porcarosa? No. Did you watch How's Moving Castle? Yes. Okay.
Starting point is 01:08:22 I like How's Moving Castle a lot. I forgot the part. Did you watch Castle in the sky? Yes. Okay. Do you remember that part? Remember that part when they're flying to the castle? And it's like dead silence and the kid sees this like dad flying into like the castle.
Starting point is 01:08:39 It has a little touch the moment. Like they don't do that anymore. They don't do like harsh emotional moments where it's just dead silent. And they let like the fucking visual story. And I love that. My favorite movie of all time. All time. A couple of my favorite movies of all time because I can't pick are like.
Starting point is 01:08:57 Like, Blade Runner 2049 and like no country for old men. And those movies are just like quiet. No country for old men, great. I played a writer. Not a big fan of Blade Runner. I find Blader to be boring on the person. Yeah, yeah. I acknowledge its place in history,
Starting point is 01:09:21 but I find it boring, except for the tears in the rain quote. That's the old one. That's the old. That's not 249. That's not the Harrison. Yeah. Yeah. Silence. Why do we talk about anime? D.K. Why are we talking? I don't remember how we got here. Your hat. Your background.
Starting point is 01:09:41 My hat. Oh, that's right. I have rent a girlfriend. There. I also have common. Look at that. That's a common writer transformation belt. Shy, what video was it where I was like, Jojo sucks dick and some guy called me a white supremacist. What fucking video was that? Someone called you a white supremacist if not like Jojo? Uh-huh. I have my most
Starting point is 01:10:06 disliked video of all time was my review for Jojo was our adventure because I, for parts one through three, because I shit all over it. Oh, yeah. Okay. Part two is okay. Part one sucks.
Starting point is 01:10:22 Part two, amazing. It's the only time I've ever had people legitimately go to my discord and call me racial slurs and say read the manga Ardar N-word What the fuck? The manga is essentially Like the manga and the anime
Starting point is 01:10:39 Anime? Anime. Or pretty much like the anime follows the manga. Like if you've watched the anime, you've essentially seen the manga. Like Starters Crusade starts great. No, it doesn't. it's terrible. It's terrible.
Starting point is 01:10:57 It's terrible. It sucks for 40 episodes. The last like three are okay. The start, like the first five episodes of Starters Crusade, they're fine. They're not great. They're fine. But then it's just like, it's trash. Okay.
Starting point is 01:11:17 That's why I stopped reading the Jojo manga is because Starters Crusade was like, the whole fucking start. I have no idea. how Rebecca likes this shit. She probably likes the stuff after Stardust Crusade, which I've been told once they get to Egypt, it's right.
Starting point is 01:11:35 No, there was that Tenno con I went to way back when when I made that horribly cringy Apache joke. And she was wearing the fucking season part three deal outfit. And granted the last three episodes of that one are okay.
Starting point is 01:11:51 The Darby brothers were okay. Like the fucking card game guy. They're okay. But besides that, it's such trash. Dude, and it's like, it's not only
Starting point is 01:12:05 does it suck, but then you completely, like, ruin the main character of part two, who turns into like, Adam Sandler, I'm going to speak English because it's funny. Oh, yeah, they totally ruined Joseph. I hate, why are we talking about
Starting point is 01:12:20 Jojo? You started that. I didn't even bring Jojo. You were like, hey, let's talk about Jojo. I'll talk about Jojo. No, Joseph was the best, though. I said that my video got the most dislikes ever because people were upset. Because Jojo fans are fucking terrible. That's true.
Starting point is 01:12:40 Jojo fans are pretty awful. Cowboy Bebop is the best anime I've ever seen. And it's because it's intelligent. And the dub is done by Steve Blum. Steve. Is it Blum? I thought of was Steve Bloom. I don't care. Him. He's a legend.
Starting point is 01:12:59 Steve Blumen. He's a legend. He's incredible. He is. Agreed. Agreed. And also, the fucking soundtrack is like amazing. Oh, yeah. Yeah. From the intro to the outro to the everything in between us. Yep. Yo, I got a meme for you. What's that?
Starting point is 01:13:20 I lost it. Where do I got to click to see? Anime meme. Shit. I think it's in my chat under Dankhammer. Shit, I got to go to your Discord to see it.
Starting point is 01:13:32 No, no. I thought I had it. Where to go? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Have you been watching Invincible? Nope. I've heard that it is quite good,
Starting point is 01:13:47 though. Okay, where's... Okay, there we go. Shai, put this in the episode. some of our fans will get it. What is? Think what is? Singuineous, think.
Starting point is 01:13:59 Sanguidious. I haven't seen, I haven't seen Invincible yet, but. When are we, when are we doing a sanguineous blood angels episode? The Blangles? Blangles. The blangles? I don't know, man. I kind of want to do dark angels.
Starting point is 01:14:17 There's a dark angels? There's like, so that's like the, is that like a chaos? vampire thing what do you what do you yeah what do you what I don't know you're the teacher you're supposed to teach me I told him of the dark angels there's a guy called the lion he's a primar he's asleep is okay cool the dark angels are are their affection I don't okay this by a guy named Landl John point being
Starting point is 01:14:57 okay the joke about Dark Angels they're actually chaos because a lot of their group went to chaos but they deny it ever happened and anyone who knows
Starting point is 01:15:05 anything about it and try to kill they're very like paranoid like you know like the CIA like black ink documents shit like that yeah yeah yeah
Starting point is 01:15:13 yeah that's them the reason everyone hates them and thinks that they've turned to chaos is because of
Starting point is 01:15:18 our fucking boy Conrad Kurz oh shit and there's a big thing battle between the two of them that I didn't mention during the Night Lord's episode because I wanted to save it for the Dark Angels episode because it matters more with them.
Starting point is 01:15:32 But it's like a deal. Man, I want to make a Night Lord's army. Seriously. Do it, dude. You should... I have five fucking armies already. Who cares? Do what you want to do. I'll buy like five minis. And that's it.
Starting point is 01:15:49 I was going to give them long fucking capes and hoods skin if I couldn't. Ew, the scrote cloth. Yeah. It's going to make a successor chapter and call them Nostromo's tithe. Ooh, I like it.
Starting point is 01:16:06 So edgy, but cool. Do it. I'm so ready for it. You should do it. What's time even? What is even time? What is time? What is, I don't even see, I hope I'm, oh, I'm
Starting point is 01:16:24 now we're in 16 minutes since I started recording. I think we stopped about 40 minutes ago. Wait, stop what? Oh, that's right. We were supposed to be reading a thing. You're not going to put this in, shy? Bullshit, you're not pointing this soon.
Starting point is 01:16:40 This is staying in. How did? You're going to leave out the anime talk? Are you actually going to leave out the anime talk, shy? What? This is important information. It ends.
Starting point is 01:16:55 When we say it ends. Yeah. Think of all the Tao players that are going to be upset that they didn't get to hear about anime. Think of the Tao players. Boy, I raised you, D.K. You're like, ha, Tao weaves. Yeah, Tao weaves. Think of all the Farclave enclave.
Starting point is 01:17:16 No, Far Sight Enclave people. They're going to be upset. They didn't get to hear about Cowboy Beapop. Okay. All right. we should probably end this now. Is this, is this the end? It's the end, buddy.
Starting point is 01:17:30 Okay. Take us home, please. My name is Bricky. You can find me at Bricky. His name is D.K., you can find him with D.K. That's quite shallow, quite shallow. You can find her there. Yep.
Starting point is 01:17:45 Merchandise at Orchidate.com. Adeptus ridiculous. Patreon.com, so it's ridiculous. It's selling out fast. If we reach 7,000. If he reached 7,000 on Patreon, we'll do it again. Oh, no! Why would you say that? It's going to happen.

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