Adeptus Ridiculous - IMPERIAL GUARD - GLORY TO THE FIRST MAN TO DIE! | Warhammer 40k Lore

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

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into another episode of the Adeptus Ridiculous Podcast. I'm one of your host, D.K. DeaMontes, and this podcast is all about learning about the ridiculous world of Warhammer 40K with Lifelong Fan Bricky. And before this podcast started, I knew next to nothing. And now it feels good because like the pieces, like the puzzle is, is taken shape. It's taken form. We've got the corner pieces all set up. It's great.

And if you enjoy this podcast and you enjoy our, 40K content, head over to patreon.com slash adeptus ridiculous. Everything is going crazy on the Patreon, so thank you all for the support. You can get access to our Discord, HD posters, blooper reals, fantastic stuff like that. But less about that and more about today's episode, which is going to be the brute force episode, because Bricky, we're talking about the Imperial Guard today, aren't we? Damn it.

I was hoping that at one point, I set like seven memes in the chat. And I was hoping that it would distract you and you'd fuck up the intro. Ah, you were trying to make a blooper out of me, eh? I was trying a little bit. I have like five memes all sent. And one of them is Fat Geryl as Horace punching sanguities. Oh, Lord, those. I just wanted to.

I thought it was funny. I was like, hey, it's Fat Geryl. It's great. It's got the boomer sunglasses. And he's like, it's the Horace heresy. Wait, who's Geryl? Oh, it was a, it was a, did you end up playing the second last us game? No. So at the end you get this like young kid, this young like like 15 year old

kid or something. He's like an outcast or something. And this really like chubby ass, like mercy, not mercy, but like the raider guy who's kind of an asshole. He looks like gerald from the Witcher but he's really like fat and he's got these like boomer glasses and all. And he runs up to this like like 13 year old kid with a bow and arrow and just like fucking decks him so hard. and he like smashed his head into a goddamn garage door and it's just it kind of came out of nowhere but you know like when you when you see I was gonna say you know when you see violence against kids

and it makes you laugh no but I was gonna say no no actually I can't think of a time where I laughed at that it's not something I've ever thought but go on it was just funny because like obviously he didn't want to get hit by a bow and arrow so he just punches this kid It's like, it's like full force. He just like wheels on him. And I don't know.

For some reason, like, I got my problems with The Last of Us 2. But that part got me in stitches. So anyway, that's Horace punching Singuidious. I'm sure shy will put it in the episode. Oh, she has to now. Now she has to put that horrible meme picture up. But didn't fuck me up. I was looking right at Audacity.

No blooper reel for you today, Patreon. No blooper real for you today. In that case. I don't have a segue for this. Let's talk about the Imperial Guard. Yeah, let's talk about the Imperial Guard. All right. I have not even a quarter of a page for notes.

So this might be good. This might be bad. Because I know Imperial Guard, if I'm not mistaken, are the second most popular army in the game for people to buy, the number one, obviously being Space Marines. But I think they're number two. I truly believe they're number two It might

It might be surprisingly Tau is like really popular Um Eh they're fine I mean on it but they're fine You're a wee but you should understand I am a wee But like a part of me like I look at them

And all I see is like man They're trying way too hard to be macros robots And mex And it's just like For some reason I can't get into it Because I know like everything is kind of like, you know, oh, the space Marines are a reference to this or oh, the orcs are a reference to that. But for some reason, when I look at Tao, all I can see is rip off Macross and it just kind of makes me mad. And I don't know why.

I do not know what Macross is, but I'm assuming it's some kind of Eastern-based, like, gundum type thing. Yeah, it's old school 80s mecha anime. Shy posted the fat gerald in the chat You gotta watch it real quick before we go Just real fast Oh my god He does come out of nowhere And just deck that kid

Holy shit I'm so sorry to our listeners who can't watch this right now Okay I'm sure if you're YouTube fat gerald You'll find it but holy shit I'm actually in tears Holy shit. That kid gets bobbed.

I got a, I gotta wipe away. Now that memeage makes sense. Okay. Okay. So anyway. Um, um,

um, okay, Tao, um, right, no, no, no,

Tao, Imperial Guard. Um, so, so I have a very small amount of notes for the garb. And the entire reason for this is because I, like, I played guard. So I started in seventh edition.

I got Grey Knights. I didn't play much. I did a little bit hang with some friends, simple stuff. I got really hard back into it at the end of eighth. Because right when we started making content for it. And I started off with the Imperial Guard. That was my first like return army. Okay.

I bought, I bought way too much. I have like, I have like 11 Lehman Rust tanks, which is more than you'll ever need. And I just have all, all this guard crap. Like I've got a bunch of flyers,

like over a whole, hundred infantry, bane blades, artillery, everything. And for a while, pre the recent sisters re-release, because they got a whole much of new models, like, only a year ago. And the codex, they were my favorite army to play. Now sisters have overtaken them for a various amount of reasons. So I'll probably get more into that if we do like a dedicated sister's episode because we did like the reign of blood.

Right, right, right. If we ever do a dedicated one, I'll probably talk more about that. But Guard is still kind of like this. They're kind of like down there in my heart, you know? They're very much like, well, I might really like the sisters. I still have a nice soft spot because the reason why Guard is so popular is love so much is the simple reason. It's the underdog story, right? It's a bunch of just dudes.

You know, we talked about all of this shit we've had to fight. These space marines, the chaos demons, the necrons, the tyrannies, for God's sake, the orcs. And you are taking someone who's literally like just me. You know? Like I'm like, you dudes. Yeah, like I'm like six foot three.

That's how tall I am. The average guardsman's like six foot, six foot one. It's like the average male height in 40K. And like it's just, I mean, obviously they're way fucking buffer and smarter and stronger than me because I play 40K.

I'm not 40K. Oof. Important distinction. It's very important, especially when you're playing the guard. But it's just that underdog feeling, right? And also, if you're a World War II and World War I history nut, you play guard. I'm going to call out everyone because I know for a fact that there are a bunch of men.

Like when you reach over 30 years old, no offense, D.K., there's two things happen. Two or three things happen, okay? One, you get really good at smoking meats. Or two, you become really interested in World War II history. And if you went down the second route, you play Imperial Guard. What if you go down neither route? I mean, do you watch anime? Oh, man, you really?

You gotta, you gotta do that to me? Look, man, I've watched anime for the years that I've been alive, all right? Like, it's not something that just started, okay? Fuck you, man. Is that a good thing? Wouldn't Les be better? So, God, those Imperial Guard, just a bunch of dudes, right? So cool.

Just a bunch of dudes, right? Bunch of dudes, right? Okay, so the guard was originally founded way back during the Emperor's Great Crusade. Because as he was going out trying to find all of his primarks, he had to send all his space Marine legions out there. And he was like, well, I'm kind of stretched thin right now, right? All my Marine legions are gone. Thunder Warriors kind of got. So with that, he needed some kind of fighting force.

So it started off, like, some small recruits, some volunteer, simple things. But as time went on, the Imperial Guard really started to grow and get quite strong and became a legitimate fighting force, both for the enemy abroad and the enemy at home. Now, eventually, as time went on, the Imperial Tithe was put in place. Now, the Imperial Tithe is, it's a Tithe, right? some kind of way to constantly gain more soldiers. Sure. As it's, you know,

it's like you pay the tithe, right? Every world had a tithe and you had to take a certain amount of guardsmen that was forced into the guard. And the number got more and more and more. And honestly, and yeah, Shai makes a great point. She says,

in before someone actually is the guard before heresy was called the Solar Oxilla. I don't, I don't care. They were called the Space Marine Legions, not chapters pre-Harris. like, fuck you.

Like I give a shit. Oh, my God. This is, this is not, this is for new people or, you know, people who want to listen to memes. Yeah, again, remember, this is the adeptist ridiculous, not the adeptus everything. Not the adeptus accurateus. So any who, that's what we hope to be. The adeptus actualist.

So all the guard, you know, kept growing and growing. through the imperial ties. Some big worlds got way more. Some small words got less. During the heresy, about like half the guard also turned traitor, similar to everything else, except it was like out a few reasons, either one, chaos corruption, two, fear of going against the space marines, or three, loyalty to the chapters that did turn chaos. Like, you know, they got saved by the death guard or something they wanted to repay the death guard. Right, right, right, right. So with about half of them turning chaos, they helped fight the battles and everything, and

obviously they lost, you know how it goes. Post-heresy, the fleet and the army were both severed. So back in the day, the Silla was a combination of both, and so now you have the Imperial Navy and the Imperial

Guard. The Navy, of course, is your starships, your aircraft, but specifically starships. And now the Guard, of course, is the fighting ground troop force. Then commissars were creative to keep the men in line.

Commissars, I'm sure you've seen them quite often. They wear like, let's go Yarek! Yep, Commissar Yarek, a big boy there. They kind of have like that, I forgot the name of that hat, but like that pirate-looking vest and they have like a sword and a pistol. Entirely meant to keep the men in line unless it's the Krieg and that's to stop them from killing themselves.

And then structure and command, we're all compartmentalized. They don't talk with her as much, so rebellions will be really easy to crush. All that kind of stuff happened. As far as command of the guard goes, the Lord militant is a High Lord of Terror. He has full command.

However, due to a lot of bullshit going on in the 40K universe, whether that is tyrannid severing warp connection, issues with warp travel, communication problems, etc. The general in any theater of war acts as the commanding officer. And as that goes down, if he's ice or you can't reach him, It goes then after that to like the commander and then the colonel and then so on and so forth. There is one big fancy-pancy title you do give to someone, which is the title of Warmaster, which is like the big ultimate general.

However, they don't call themselves Warmaster anymore. They call themselves the Lord Solar or the High Solar because the Horace was the Warmaster. And to use the name of the... Yeah, to use the name of the Great Trader is very unfortunate. Yeah. After that, the departmental munitorium assists help deals with the Imperial Tides, get your guardsmen going. And the reason I bumrushed this is because that's the end of my notes. I want to talk.

This is the boring bullshit. I don't give a shit about this. I want to talk about the Guard, all right? Because like... All right, let's talk about the Guard. These are like the logistics. All right, this is like all the logistical history shit, whatever the fuck. So the Imperial Guard are untold.

billions of men and women, men and women. There's not any, like, or just very few female, like, models, but it's still plenty of men and women. Probably more men, because that's just military tends to have more men and women. But it can be both. A lot of people are not quite sure about that, but yeah, it can absolutely be both. There's, like, female commissars and stuff and all this stuff.

But the neat thing about the garb is just both their way of fighting and just the it's interesting to see how they operate. So, for instance, the guard do not follow the Imperial Truth, which is what the Marines follow. The Imperial Truth was the idea that

humanity is deemed to be the dominant race in the galaxy is the Emperor's original idea. The Guard follows the Imperial Creed, which is what the Sisters of Battle follow. It's the Emperor is a god and we are, he is a deity.

So the Guard are very, like, religious. They are very much, I mean, maybe not that they're sure as shit, not like sisters, but they have the the Lord Emperor, right? They say their prayers before battle. They do all that kind of stuff.

They're very, very loyal to the Emperor, which is why, as a guardsman, in a group of untold billions of fighting men and women, billions, they still deem their efforts as worth something. Because in a In an apocalyptic battle, in a battle where hundreds of thousands of men die by just in an instant.

When it turns into a statistic in an hour, it's always one regiment, one squad, five or six men that are able to take the objective that they would need and therefore win the battle. Because the history and the heroes are always those few that pull it off, right? that guy who lands that final shot you know that the guy who's able to throw the grenade or place the lays for an artillery strike all that stuff when you're striking with that kind of force like yeah they're just dudes but that's a lot of dudes eventually somebody's got

a breakthrough eventually somebody's got to get the objective even if you're fighting some big like crazy 40K abomination when you go in with a force like the guards, I mean, somebody's eventually got to get the job done, right? Absolutely. And it was interesting is that, and this is something,

two things that I should clear up because this is important, because I know someone will actually be about this. We hear often about these, like, where four million men die successful mission, because this does happen quite often, but that's not really the, the,

I don't know if I would say that's, what it's like every time, but it's definitely, I wouldn't call it the minority, but I'd call it happens less than you'd think. Very often you'd have a little bit more of the average ground battle, a small insurgency, a chaos cult has sprung up, and we need to send a few squads into the,

into the Hive City, you know, there's a couple stragglers in this area of orcs, go deal with them. You know, not always is an apocalyptic level battle, and which, because of that, even though like there is like a 90% casualty rates on the guardsman first mission that's only for like those missions you know this often they don't die that quickly yeah they do die a lot but there are many situations where it's not like that it's the same thing with like the inquisitors and deploying exterminatus on a planet like they do it yeah but a lot of people joke that they see like they smell a tear and they're like ha and they slap the button and then it just kills the planets. That's the crimson way of things.

They smell a tyrannid. Oh, no. Yeah, you know, we mentioned smelling things in the last episode. Yep, we sure did. Is that tyrannid clause? Ugh, quick. So if you get an imperial guard that's like old, that's a pretty big deal, right? Because, I mean, even if it's not like hundreds of thousands of people dying, it's like, even if you send like, oh, yeah, this is,

just a normal, but it's still going to be a pretty high casualty, right? Because they're just dudes. Fear the, uh, fear the old in a profession where men die young. Old guardsmen, guardsmen who survive multiple deployments are like myths and legends.

Uh, but they are, it's some of the most stone cold, battle-hardened men you'll ever see. It's an interesting thing with guard because the guard is susceptible to lots of problems. They run away from battle. They get scared. They have morale. issues. They constantly

have stuff like that. They get turned chaos quite easily because they're not as heavily like mindful as the space marines are. But the thing is is that there will be situations in which space marines will run fucking clutching their blue balls and fleeing

and guardsmen will stand the line. You will have both sides. Sometimes guardsmen will be or show more strength, more bravery than even the adeptus Astardis will, because some

of these men are just that stalwart. Damn. You can get both. Sometimes where space marines fail to do something, guardsmen can, because the guard is the most strategic army. You think like, oh, so you have a million men, just throw it at them.

Nah, dog, how are you supposed to do that when you've got 40 million orcs? Oh, that's fair. Or the elder flying in formation, you can't barely even see them and they're like gunning for you. or the dark Eldar moving at Mach 5. Like, how are you supposed to deal with that? You need to have incredibly impressive tactics.

Guard generals are the strongest and most strategic tacticians in the entire 40K universe. Besides maybe necrots. Damn. They are so intelligent. I thought when it came to the guard, it was just like, hey, yeah, we're going to, fuck strategy. We're just going to throw this giant wave of people at the enemy. and, you know, eventually, through brute force and sheer fucking numbers, we'll get it done. Strategy be damned.

We're the guard, and it's just like this wave of dudes. I honestly didn't realize that it was a much more strategic regiment. Oh, significantly. Because against tyrannids and orcs, you are outnumbered, so you have to be smart. Against, like, the trickery of the Eldar, how you're going to deal with them. You know what? A great, a great example of something like this happening is that actually you have good old, I think it was Creed. Yeah, I think it was Creed.

Yeah, there it is. It was Creed who did a big old fight against the Eldar one day. And it was really interesting because Creed is a fantastic general. Creed is an absolute Chad. And he's now currently in Trayson's vault, rest in peace. But he had to fight a bunch of Eldar. And through just his insane tactical genius, he was able to send out delayed strategic orders to have the Eldar react to them in different ways. And therefore, he had a bunch of psychers use their psychic powers to send false readings and different kinds of orders that contradict other orders that the Eldar can tap into due to their psychic phenomenon.

and he was able to completely outwit and out maneuver fucking Eldar, which are like the fastest and the speediest. That's, that, that's very smart, actually. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, it's just due to him, because Kedia was dying. Um, we'll, we gotta do KD at some, but we'll talk a lot about Creed during the Kedia one. But Creed in particular, like, the reason he's such a Chad is just due to his insane, um,

ability to be such an powerful tactician. The guy is interesting too because when you take Cream, if you're on Kadia and you're a general, like every general on Kedia, because Kadia is like the main guard planet.

It's the the guard planet. They're all like perfect. They're uniforms, not a hair on them. Shoes shined at attention every time. Creed, he's got like terrible breath. He's got cigar dust all over his jacket.

He hasn't shined his shoes and whatever and forever because he's the Lord Kostellen. He's Lord Kestellin Creed. This guy runs the fucking planet. This guy is the ultimate fighting general. He demands respect. Because when you think about it, like, you know, I hear this in the military often. But when you're in the military, you have like a mechanic shop.

Apparently sometimes they make you like have to clean the mechanic shop in like Afghanistan or wherever the military bases are. him. And I always think of that as fucking stupid. Because if the mechanic's shop is clean, then they're not actually, they're not working. Yeah, they're not doing anything. They're not actually fixing anything because everything's so pristine. You haven't fucked it up. Never go to a, never go to a car mechanic that has a clean shop. It means he doesn't do anything. It means he has no customers. Have the guy walk up to you wiping the fucking oil off of his hands. Right. Those are the guys. You ever be in a mechanic that doesn't have like, you know, all these like blisters. and scrapes in his hands. And if they have like perfectly pristine clean nails, it's like, what? Where's the crime? Where's the grease? Where's the dirt? What are you doing?

Is that a handy man? Yeah, handy man. Yeah, you get it. I get it. But regardless, when it comes to the whole entire side of the imperial guard using that strategy, it's interesting when you think about all the different kinds of strategy they can employ.

But for instance, you'll have There's some actually really, really good examples on the actual wiki page that I actually like a lot. I'm going to use them verbatim. Okay. It says things like Imperial Guard fights punishing battles of attrition where incalculable lives may be expanded for each objective to cure them.

But I like, it says it uses its twin advantages of overwhelming firepower and vast numbers. Because the thing is you've got the numbers, but you've also got blistering gunfire where as tyrannids or orcs might run at you with like melee weapons and stuff every guardsman has a gun

the standard imperial lasgun is a weapon of superheated like lasers that will slightly melt anything it touches it'll blow holes in concrete knock off limbs it can be shoved in mud in sand in rain

it'll always work it's it can be the mag can be removed and primed as a grenade and it is the weakest weapon in 40k wait the weakest it's the weakest weapon in 40k

damn also I did not realize you could remove the clip and use it as a grenade that sounds awesome it's jokingly referred to as a flashlight because that's about how powerful it is it's like shining a flashlight it's somebody Jesus really

Yep. The super crazy Lasgun laser gun is just, it's called a flashlight because ah, fuck it. But when you get

the Imperial Guard with those numbers and you have that many of them, certainly, it becomes a much different. So like you said, you have so many

superior numbers and so many guys with guns that like even like a flashlight, you know, it's probably going to fuck somebody up.

It's the wall of guns. It's, yeah. Like this thing, every time it shoots something, it will hurt it somewhat because it's like a superheated laser, right? It has to make a dent in everything, even like a tiny dent. But when you've got like, when you've got like 10,000 guys firing this weapon at one time, like who gives this shit?

Suddenly, it's a lot more than just a flashlight. One of my favorite quotes is, he who doubts the strength of the last gun has never ran through a field of a thousand of them. That seems like the perfect guard quote, indeed. I really like it because sometimes I'll play guard on the tabletop, right? And the weapon is terrible. It's like low strength, no arm penetration, one damage. But using a nice combination of giving my guys some special orders and stuff,

I can take a squad of 10 guys and put out like 37 shots. And even though they don't hit well, and they don't wound well, something will get through. Yeah, you got 37 of them. Something has to do some damage. And that's one squad. And one squad is, I think, like, 55 points out of 2,000. So get like four or five squads, and it's like, I'm rolling 400 dice.

It's great. Do you really? I mean, when you play, I mean, you roll more dice when you play orcs. But when you play guard, like, I have a, many times rolled like 97 shots in order to fire at people. And honestly, I'll do that and then I'll only kill like two space marines. But I killed two space marines. That's true.

They're just dudes and they killed space marines, right? Yeah, because you got to get through it. Like they say, where Zenos aircraft dance and weave with impossible grace, the Imperial Guard simply fills the sky with a thunderstorm of munitions. from which no amount of aerobatic skill can save the foe, where heretical bastions stand defiant, the Imperial Guard commanders call down artillery bombardments, then reduce it all to rubble.

Like, it doesn't matter what you have to deal with. Are they stuck in, fire nuclear missiles at them? What do I care? If they, like, have a giant mobile fighting force, roll over them with your 10,000 tanks. Are the orcs coming in? bring out the ogren that are bigger than orcs and like ab humans and punch the shit of them is a commander being really like powerful and important and leading the troops get ratlings which

are like really short dwarf abhumans that are great snipers and then bring them on the side and take out their commander hey are the tyrannids running at us let's run at them I somehow can't I'm sure it happens but I guess can't imagine like this just wave of like tyranids and there's this wave of just Imperial Guard just running at each other

I'm sure shy has a picture and number. Oh I'm sure she does she has a picture of everything but that's just guns blazing like rays of lasers going all along it's just cheese like the amount of death and then oh Jesus

Oh, the sheer volume of murder on both sides. Like, the sheer level of shit that goes down with the amount of guardsmen there, and they employ so many tactics. Like, a standard Imperial Guard fight will probably be thundering, thundering artillery, like a thousand artillery batteries. So far away, the enemy can't even see them. Just launching howitzers and mortars and missiles to just hit it so hard that the earth rumbles and cracks beneath the enemy.

And once they've been, they've been, you know, broken up, then you send him the quarter million guardsmen supplemented by 30,000 tanks, and then aircraft from the sky fly over and do bombing runs. And they drop down paratroopers and drop troops that jump down and go start attacking different kinds of key targets while snipers take out the military. Like, it is so cool. The sheer, like, the ground will rumble beneath the weight of Imperial Guard tank treads. It is cool.

It's no wonder that, like, history buffs and, like, World War II fanatics. I don't know say fanatics, but people that are really into, like, sort of that military world war stuff would gravitate towards the guard, because that's, that is a very boots on the ground military world war type. a vibe? Oh yeah. It's very obvious that the Imperial Guard take a huge inspiration from

World War I, World War II. Like it's obvious both in the way they look and also in the tactics they deploy. Let me, let me so there's something, there's a great unit called the Bain Blade and the Bain Blade is about

as a moving house. That's a tank. And the tank itself has a 11 guns on it. A gigantic cannon, multiple bolters. This thing is a moving fortress. And the thing like rolls over chaos space marines with ease. And then like they'll deploy a bunch of them alongside like the smaller leaving

rust tanks to go along with it. But it's interesting because the guard don't just have men and women like this. They also have psychers that go out and use fancy like lightning bolts to attack people. They have they have the rattlings and the rattlings and the. ogrens I mentioned already. They of course have air troopers and paratroopers. There's so many different things like that that go along with it to really form the backbone of

an Imperial Guard army. And also what's kind of cool is the fighting style of the Imperial Guard changes depending on the regiment you're with. For instance, we talk about Kedia. The Ketians are like the main regiment. It's the ones you see in like the green colored chest armor.

Yeah, yeah. Now, funny enough, that's actually it's actually flack armor, which is in real life nowadays, some pretty fucking strong armor. It's really, really good. A lot of them joke that it's like, it's like a t-shirt in the 40K.

It's barely predicts anything. I mean, when you're going up against the crazy shit in the Warhammer universe, yeah, you know, armor that's like considered by us normy humans, oh, it's super strong, it's the best. Well, yeah, but we're not going

up against like future laser guns and fucking chaos and acid spitting tyrantis that shoot scroats at you so the scroo guns. Yeah, the scroll guns so yeah I can see that and it's it's fun though because like oh shit I gotta

I gotta do this because this is always funny there are four things an imperial guard man gets rewarded when he joins the guard number one the standard issue the standard issue flack armor number two one

high-powered flashlight. Number three, the last good. Number three, a copy of the minotrum, I forget the name of it. It's like a book. It's like some kind of book that you use to understand how to be a guardsman that is generally used as toilet paper during the horrible fights that you have to deal with.

And four, an Imperial Guard sanctioned wheelbarrow for your brass fucking nuts. I mean You got to roll them around man How are you going to fight? Yeah you got to have big balls to hang in the guard Like you know that episode of South Park We're like I forget his name's dad

He has like the gigantic balls Because he wanted to get particular cancer And he rolls them around in the wheelbarrow The wheel barrel Yeah yeah Except all brass Yeah they use them as melee weapons They get AP plus one

But I can't even imagine imagine someone reporting on like, yeah, you know, he swung his brass testicles and decapitated a chaos space marine. What? What? Oh, one of my favorite comics is a chaos space train runs up to a guardsman and gives him a hug. And he's like, no one will ever believe you. And he leaves.

I hear it is, the Imperial Infantry Men's Uplifting Primer. Also known as toilet paper. Yeah. That seems like something that as a guard, it's just like, whatever. And it's like, well, yeah, I'll just wipe my ass with this. But Cadians, particularly, Cadians specifically are very, very interesting because they spend their entire life in service.

While they have lots of different deployments all across the way, like by the time you're eight years old, you will know how to disassemble and reassemble a lasgun. By the time you're 11, you're doing 12-hour artillery. drills. By the time you're 13, you're doing target practice and you can hit like a tyrannid from 100 yards with a glass gun or something. By the time you're 16, you're probably already shipped out because you're a conscript and you've been conscripted into the Imperial Guard, or maybe 18 years old, boom, you're in the Guard, you're ready to join active service.

These guys are life soldiers. They are lifelong soldiers. They're trained from birth to become guardsman. I was going to say, you are pretty much born and bred into the business at that point. Like, there is no other option. You are just, you're going to the guard, plain and simple. You were born into it. Like, by eight, they can already assemble and disassemble a Lasgun. It might be younger than that. I don't really know, man. But, yeah, you have no other choice. This is your skill set now. You're not going to school. the um and then when you take that for the cadians right because the cadians are known for being they're like sir yes sir very like very stalwart group you've got all these other uh regiments

that are fantastic i particularly like the catechia well i play cadya personally but i like the cattachins a lot the catechins are the rambo-looking motherfuckers on the planet of of catecha i think uh and it's a death world where every single plant and animal is carnivorous and large swaths of the brush has to be burned away every day because only one out of three babies survive every single so all of these dudes

with a combination of Darwin evolution and everything else they're just these really big buff musly motherfuckers and they think that Cadians are a bunch of pussies because they're like they're like sir yes sir yes sir sir and they're just like fuck you and they like go take a cigarette

and they go piss on someone they're fantastic they're super like they're giant these giant like machete-sized knives that are these pristine knives that they use to cut away foliage and stuff

and they're very constantly the kinds of guys that are running to battle bare chested and try to stab a space stream with their knife it turns out that orcs think that Katachin knives are the greatest thing ever and they'll constantly try to get them they think the

the hume's pointy stick is the best pointy stick and it's a big deal they trade a lot of teeth for that oh so they pay a lot of teeth for death so if you were fighting an orc with one of these if you convinced them it was what a catachin knife

would they be like scared of it like would it be more effective than most weaponry because they're orcs and they're like oh it's a fucking you know that's a great question I don't think so but we're Regardless, they would still, maybe they'd be too excited to get one. Oh, that's true.

They'd be so excited to get one, they would forget what they were doing and be much easier prey. There's a couple other really awesome ones. The Vostroyan firstborn is a really cool one. They're from the hive world of Vostroya, and apparently the firstborn of everyone has to join as a guardsman. Oh, boy. So that's what their tithe is, and they're actually pretty cool. I think the firstborn are They've got to have like this steam punky

Russian vibe to it Very old school They have like the big old hats Oh my gosh I just posted a picture of them They're great He looks like a fucking psycho Oh yeah

They're super cool But the must they got the big old mustaches They're very good on like Building and crafting their own weapons They've got some pretty fantastic Pretty fantastic training regiments. They're very cool. That second picture

I posted is going to haunt my dreams. I'm going to have nightmares about that. I don't know what the fuck that is, but... That's a firstborn guardsman. That's a guards... But there's the goofy... There's the goofy motherfucker

with like the twirley mustache. He looks like he's having a good time. He looks like he's about to have like a party. And then there's this fucking nightmare fuel under him. He just has a mask on. Yeah, and it's fucking creepy. I know.

They're totally different. That looks like a fucking space marine on, like, that looks like a chaos space marine. Yeah, but they're not, but I don't know if they're quite as cool as the Valhalla and Ice Warriors, though. Who are they? They are, uh, basically what they sound like, they're a bunch of Ice Warrior, hardcore, like, Nordic style, uh, guardsmen that they fight on Valhalla, which is the major, like, super fucking cold planet. They're known as the

sometimes known as the cold bloods because they are, they're considered some of the toughest of them all. Oh? Because they have to fight in these just horrid, horrid conditions. Yeah.

If you get a fight on that planet where they're used to the cold and the enemy's night, it can't work to your advantage. You know, World War II, you know, Hitler made the dumb,

stupid fucking mistake of let's go fight the Soviets in Russia. And they were just, like back, back, back, back, back, back, back. Oh, you're all freezing the death. Forward, forward, forward, forward, forward. Yeah.

That's good old Valhalla. Even orcs will, like, freeze by the time the Valhallaans give a shit. Oh, yeah, that does make sense. That is, I suppose that is another, you know, it's a pretty heavy World War II inspiration then. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They look like Soviets, without a doubt. Yeah.

There's the Armageddon Steel Legion, which are really cool. These guys are a, they have, like, gas masks, and they kind of look like a little more Germany, but like World War II Germany kind of like they kind of have like the Kraut helmet and stuff these guys are all about the variations of mechanized infantry

they like they're the kind of guys that'll roll in with a personnel carrier have the dude pull a sick drift and have the bumper smack an orc in the face and then they all jump out of the back and start gunning down everyone then they jump back in and they run them over again oh that sounds very dope

they're super cool I think they're on like a hardcore desert world called Armageddon. That's why they're called the Armageddon Steel Legion, which is a, oh yeah, it's right, it's a poisoned, blighted world due to industrial output. They over-industrialized. Can you imagine getting a postcard from their home planet? It's like a postcard that's like on the front, it's one of those like vacation ones, but it

says Armageddon, wish you were here. Nope, I think I'm good where I am. Thanks. I don't need to go visit Armageddon for Christmas. I'll stay here on Earth, thanks. What's the last one want to talk about? Oh yeah, there's the Talern Desert Raiders. I want to do all the ones that are in the book,

in the actual codex. The Tallinn Desert Raiders are like a major one for a mobile vehicle gun line. These are kind of like a little more Middle Eastern vibe. They have the, I don't know what it's called. It's not a turbine, but it's like the thing you wear over your head. It can also be like a mask. Oh, okay. They'll like stop the sand from getting at you.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, stop it from getting in your eyes and in your mouth. Yeah, I don't really remember the name of it, but that thing. And they have a large vibe of like lots of mobilized mech infantry. They have like walkers and different kinds of transports. They're very, very fast and quick. It's supposed to be like fast and swift as the wind. That's the idea.

They have like horses and shit. So same would do the death core. They also have like augmented horses, which by the way, I know someone's going to be upset. We don't, not going to talk about the death core of Krieg. go back, our first episode was on the death core of Krieg. That was number one. First episode.

And they are sad. They are so sad. They are sad, sad, boys. Augmented horses, though? So are they just horses that are like retrofitted with like machine? Because like I know the admec have like Robo Caymans and Robo horses and stuff. But like what the like, because I got to imagine.

and in 40K, if you're strolling around on a horse, that horse is gonna get fucking annihilated. If it's just a horse? It's more like the horse has been, through 30,000 years of evolution is way tougher and faster and probably has like a metal limb or two. Oh, okay.

They've also got like weird talons now, I think. I think they're like hooves or like claws now. It's kind of weird. Oh yeah, that is very strange. But yeah, I guess they've had more time to evolve further to, to suit the craziness of the new 40K world that they live in. So, I guess that's fair.

Also, Shai wants me to read an excerpt from the Imperial Infantryman's Uplifting Primer. There's apparently hints from the book for when they fight other species, quote, and I quote, and I quote, no, no. Eldar technology is pathetically antiquated and inferior to the standard issue imperial garbant equipment, and Shuriken weapons are unable to penetrate flak armor. This is very untrue. Orcs are smaller and weaker than humans with brittle bones and weak muscles, and they are painfully stupid. Tao are herbivorous animals that are scared by loud noises and frightened by hairy people and possibly incumable of mathematics and science. Gene Steelers are slow, sluggish, and having blunt-tipped claws.

Gene Steelers can cut through space marine armor. I wonder how many Imperial Guard have needlessly died because, that book has like such bad information in it. They're like, oh, really? Really? That's their fault. Yeah, it's true. I guess. I guess they were pretty low on the, uh, on the totem pole. If they were like, oh, let me flip through this. That sounds about right. Yeah, orcs are stupid. I could take them. Oh, what? They can't get through my flack armor. Oh, I'll go rush ahead. Sure, sure, sure. Now, I can't possibly keep talking about the Garra without

mentioning the Militarum Tempestis. Right. So there's an episode I really badly want to do. Like I really badly want to do. But I can't figure out a good time to fit it in. And it's for something called the Scola Progenium, which is basically a school that allow, and the school takes orphans, war orphans, and it sends them into various directions. If you become a sister of battle, you go through the Scola.

If you become a assassin, it goes through. the Scola. If you become a commissar, you go through the Scola Progenium. If you become an Imperial Navy, you go through it as well. Lots of things go through there. But it's really interesting learning their training regiments. One of them is the Militarum Tempestus Sions. Now, these dudes, besides the fact that they look fucking dope, they are, like, I'm sure Shirel post a picture, they are so cool looking. But they basically are imperial shockers. troops and they're drilled like mad they are incredibly obedient like hyper-focused and what they do is they fly in from either valkyries which are like their transports or they're up in low orbit

and they have anti-grav shoots and they'll jump down in squads of like five to ten all from the sky and they'll land on the ground and pull out so they have called a hot shot lasgum which is a lasgun with its power turned up to the max, which allows it to have insane, blistering armor-piercing capability. And these dudes are literally like ODSTs. They drop in the back, pull out their guns, and immediately fire and aim, like, perfect shots on everyone. On the tabletop, they hit with the same accuracy as space marines. Oh.

These dudes are fucking boss. They are so cool. they are drilled like insane they are so unquestionably obedient and they are ruthlessly efficient they'll just drop in there from out of the nowhere from the sky these five guys will drop in there pull out their guns and just start

obliterating people their armor looks kick ass I love the tempester prime because of sick coat and like they all wear like berets and shit oh snap oh wait so so shy posted two pictures One of them has them with like these cool helmets And the other one has them with like berets and black armor and gold lining

The gold lining shit with like the red pants looks dope The blue armored ones look nightmarish Certainly The guys with the berets and the armor those are Tempester primes Oh, okay They're like a commander Okay, got you Where the other guys like the dudes with the blue armor and the hardcore mask

Those are your basic tempestive Tempestus drop troops Those are your normal, your normal shock troopers. Right. The normies of the group. They're constantly referred to by the other Imperial Guards as Golden Boys because they get all the best equipment, the best training, the best everything. And it's kind of a little bit of like a penis envy.

Because anyone who's actually fought with or seen of Tempest, Tempesta Cion fight would never question their, their power. power. Right. Like you would never question to Best of Sion. So in an Imperial Guard battle, after the artillery has finished firing, actually it probably never will, after the original bombardment of trailer has finished firing as the Marines, not the Marines, the guardsmen in the tanks roll up in the sky

come Valkyries doing bombing runs and dropping off these drop troopers in the back lines of the enemy. It's one of my, I even do that shit in, in real life. I have, when I play Garb, I've got my And my guardsman rolling up in the front. I got like two artillery units in the back. And I have Valkyries flying in the back lines and dropping troopers on them. So they're being forced to choose fight the guys in the back or fight the guys in the front.

Ooh, that pincer. I love the pincer move. It's so much fun. I got psychers to do special abilities to cause problems to fuck with some people. It's just, it's fantastic. The wealth of options and opportunities you have. defeats your enemy as the guard. The tactical, it's cool too, because, like, you have all these stuff.

You have all these tools at your disposal. But it means nothing when you're fighting, like, Marines and stuff, like these crazy dudes. So you've got to use your tactical genius. You've got to understand, like, when this is in the guardsmen. Like, I've sent him multiple squads of guardsmen to their death just so they could hold a tank in place. And so it can't shoot at my more important units.

Quag the treads. Oh yeah, but doesn't matter if I can be like... If you don't know how to use them, you just send them all to their death needlessly. So you kind of have to have the strats. Well, sometimes, like, I fought a buddy of mine and he had Mortarian, like on the field, the guy. And what I did is I fed him guardsman squad after guardsman squad

to keep him stuck fighting nothing but guardsmen. Because so long as he did that, I wouldn't have to have him. on my tanks or on my artillery. Oh, that's, that's, that's, that's fair. Like, often if I see like an ork with a, like, a truck or something or a giant blob of like fancy orc weapons, I'll run guardsmen in there to start punching them to be like, now you can't shoot my tanks.

Like, clog the enemy treads with your dead. Oh, oh, man. It's so good to be an imperial guardsman. Hey man There is no way you can get more bitches Than being in the guard Assuming you live to see The bitches you could get in the guard

Well yeah maybe because you might get really fucked up Looking you might get all scarred Yeah or you might just die Now also we gotta remember about commissars too Because I'd be upset if I didn't talk about commissars Okay Commissars are part of the Skull of Progenium as well They are like the vessel of

the emperor and they stop people from running. Yes. Every regiment is assigned a commissar. And often the moment you'll see guardsmen start running, the commissar will take out his bolt pistol and shoot him in the head and be like, like become like, what's the term, become a hero or become an example.

So it's like get in there and go fight the enemy or else. Yeah. There's no point to even try and run away, right? You might as well just, you know, launch head first and what you were ordered to do, because if you die there, whatever, you were going to, that commissar was going to shoot you for trying to desert anyway, so fuck it, go ham. Yeah, don't, move forward.

Don't, don't go back. Your job is to, if you want, if you need take that flank, then the commissar is going to make you take that flank. Yeah. That's the important thing. Have, like, have the Imperial Guard ever. had a situation where like a lot of them knew that they were kind of in a futile whatever and like a lot of people tried to desert and they just overwhelmed the commissar because they were just like no we got to

get out of here you're fucking insane uh it depends the thing is is that good old imperial guardsman believe that no matter what no matter how futile it seems no matter how unimportant it appears to give there is nothing better than to give your life in service of the emperor. That's true, because they are very sort of religious towards like the emperor being a god, aren't they? A centimeter of distance gained on a battlefield is worth 10 lives. Oh, it's a tough life being a guard, man. That's a tough life. It is.

And if you win the battle, like, you will die in the glory of the emperor. because it's also the concept that like by dying in the glory of the emperor you will be saved you know I mean you see that in this day and age right if you die in the glory of X or Y religion you will be saved

yeah and now they're not as willing to kill themselves as the sisters are because they are very big in the martyrdom between all the crazy shit that they do or the Kriegsman for instance often like if you might have some people run but very rarely is there a ton That being said, in Katachin regiments, the Rambo guys,

commissars tend to go missing a lot. They don't like being told what to do. I was going to say, no, no kidding. The big Rambo guys that think that the normal guardsmen are kind of pussies, oh, their commissars go missing, you say. They don't like being told what to do. And often the commissar will be assigned. And then it was like, oh, yeah, he got eaten by the plumsums.

plant over here in the catachins. I couldn't find his body. Oh, I don't know what to happen. So before we end the episode, I think we should talk largely about multiple characters in the guard, just as a little bit of a teaser. Because the guard don't have as much lore as the Marines do, obviously, but they have such a wide spanning lore with so many,

like with this many people, there has to be heroes. There's got to be tons of heroes in the guard. Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah. And while I'm sure there are going to be, some guard guys who are like, you didn't cover this, this, this, this, this, I know. But I don't really care because this episode's like, let's talk about how fucking cool they are.

It's about how cool they are, how they operate, how interesting it is. Like, Shai posted a picture of Colonel Iron Hand Strachan. And Colonel Iron Hand Strachan, let me find out, I forget what bit his arm off. Oh. But something bit his arm. I imagine with so many imperial guards and so many planets giving tithes that, like, we'll probably have several episodes on specific, like, guard regiments or guard legions or guard, whatever you call them.

Oh, regiments would be, was what guards. Regiments, got you, yeah. I imagine there's going to be, like, several episodes on, like, different, like, specific big name guard regiments, whereas this is sort of a, uh, just. Hey, here's the guard in general and how they operate, right? Yes, that's right. Yeah, basically we'll eventually do different individual ones because it's kind of fun. And also for characters, too.

But like a small thing for Colonel Strachim, this guy's Katachin, obviously. And he lost his arm to something called a Myril Landshark. And during this entire time, during this battle, he was being patched up by the medic and he kept on throwing grenades with his good arm. And so he was like, He's like pitting, he's like patching up his entire like half of his torso and his arm and he's just like throwing grenades and he's like, hurry up, you pussy.

So he's got this giant like bionic arm in combat and he just starts like beating the shit out of stuff. In fact, one of my favorite things that I remember seeing was that he actually had a on the planet of Cygnus the 8th. He led a big, a group of guys against the hordes of tyranids. and it came against a whole bunch of like the high fleet and all these crazy stuff as as they did they started doing pretty well but then this gigantic multi-limbed Tiranit appeared and started pushing them all back

but the eventually the giant monster was brought down by demolition charges and but not before killing one of Strachan's like captain or something but as he as the colonel as Strachan looked over the dead Tiren's body he spit on he was like I killed bigger things on my planet and you just left.

What a fucking badass. I have to mention Sly Marbo. Okay. I have to mention Sly Marbo. Because if I don't mention Sly Marbo, I will be shot. Sly Marbo is kind of a meme. Okay. He's kind of like the Chuck Norris meme way back when.

Oh, okay. He's also a Kattachin Shruper. And he's got, okay, Sly Marbo through a grenade and kill. five orcs, and then it exploded. Sly Marbo poked the warp through the eye of terror. Sly Marbo doesn't have a shadow because it got scared off.

The fastest way through a man's heart is with Sly Marbo's blade. The official name for exterminatus is Sly Marbo. Sly Marbo hacked a tearing into death of its own claws. Sly Marbo sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Sly Marbo won a staring contest with a necrime. on. Slime Marbo doesn't sleep. He waits. Damn. He really is. He really is Chuck Norse, isn't he?

Yeah, this is exactly like the Chuck Norris meme. Slym Arbo has destroyed an entire Bainblade class, or no, Bain Lord class titan turned chaos by himself. However, it is not disclosed how he did this. Really? It's just a hearsay, huh? It is, it is ridiculous. Oh, wait, it's a Bain Lord Class Titan. Right, it's not the Bain Blades.

It's a Bain Lord Titan. So it's one of those gigantic walking churches that serves chaos, and he destroyed it by himself. Bullshit! Yeah, but so what, man? It's just Sly Marble. Who gives the fuck? It's just Sly Marble. Who cares? Sure.

He's the guy. He doesn't shower. He takes bloodbats. If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not slime marble Oh, I love it. There's a couple other ones we talked about Commissar Yarek, the absolute Shad, the dude who lost his arm and decided to fashion an orc claw on it, who the guy who took his eye out and replaced it with a laser eye because the orcs believed he could have a laser eye. So now he does, yeah. The man who was given a retirement, who could retire, and therefore was given a full world to retire on, a beautiful planet to live on.

And who said, no. No. He turned down retirement. Lord Castellan Creed, the Crete during the fall of Cadia, stood behind when the entire planet was cracking open to. to usher in the final escape pods for all the rest of the garb after suffering like eight or nine gunshot wounds to the stomach and kept on ushering guys in and was the last one alive. Like literally went down with the ship. There are so many guardsmen guys that like Ibram Gaunt from the wonderful book Gaunt's Ghosts, the commissar who took over the only regiment from the, from Tanneth.

I could spend years talking about this shit. Yeas. Yeas. Yeas. And we talk about Nork Deadog too. The dude who headbutted the Ogrid who headbutted the tyrannid

and pulled the dude out of his mouth. Oh yeah, that's right. We did talk about that. Yeah. You guys absolute chad. He's dumb as fuck, though, right? But he's super loyal. Oh, extremely.

He's extremely dumb, but that's not the point. Yeah, the point is he had, but it and turned and grabbed half of a guy, right? Because the other half would have been digested. Yeah, sure. Let me just, I got you. There's, there's Lord's Commander, Solar Macarius. The Lord Macarius, who was like a giant golden saint looking dude, whose entire thing was leading the guard during, I think it's post-ho.

like heresy to like bring them to fruition. He and I quote, the meaning of victory is not to merely defeat your enemy, but to destroy him, to completely eradicate him from living memory, to leave no remnant of his endeavors, to crush his achievement and remove all record of his very existence. From that defeat,

there is no recovery for that is the meaning of victory. Wow, that's, that's pretty hardcore. That dude is a, is a boss. He doesn't just want to kill you He wants to literally erase you from history Yeah I mean if if no one even remembers that you fought the guard The guard have done their job Yeah

Wow he is badass looking holy shit It's like the Imperial Guard fight 99% of battles Like everyone Marines Marines this and that no no Every time something happens a civil war a chaos incursion orcs, whatever. It's always the guard that come first. It's always the guard. Every single time.

What is it? And then like the space marine eventually show up or does it depend on the situation and how badly it's going? Well, I don't know. It depends. I mean, obviously, whenever it comes down to the Marines, they have like more of a strategic strike. The guard are known

as the hammer of the emperor for their blunt force. The Marines are like the scalpel of the emperor. Right. Gotcha. Yeah. They're very, very limited. Like, you might, like, it might, if you see a Space Marine, you're probably going to start praying and be like, oh my God, a Space Marine. I didn't remember the Deaths Astardis. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

You'll never see a custodian in your entire fucking life. Yeah. Because the custodies are the custodies. But seeing a member of the Devastastardies is insane. And sometimes the guardsmen outperformed the Astardis, because sometimes you just have those kinds of men in there. Yeah. It's, it's, looking at it from like the outside perspective, it's just like, oh, everybody loves space marine, everybody's talking about space Marines, and you think like, you think the space Marines are like these celebrities that are like always around and people are always seeing them. But then it's like, no, actually, most civilians will never, ever see one. Even though like, you know, they're the most popular thing in 40K. And from like outside fan perspective, it's like, oh, of course everybody knows about the space Marines. Because they're like celebrities. And it's like, no.

You almost never see one. Is they're off doing... Which is... They're off doing the important starty shit. Yeah, they're off doing... They're off doing the important work. So you shouldn't ever see one as a citizen. If you do, I imagine that means troubles on the way.

Either troubles on the way or you just got real lucky. Actually, a funny thing that I read about a bit recently, another reason why Sisters of Battle are based and red-pilled is because they apparently hate space Marines. Oh, really? Yeah, I was like, I knew I liked the sisters a lot, but why so much? Like, aha, there it is. Ah, there it is.

They hate the space Marines. I mean, maybe I hate them. Oh, that's what I mean, you know. I mean, maybe not hate them, so to speak, but obviously they have to work with them to an extent. But because sisters of battle are just regular women who are not augmented similarly to the guard, They see, this sisters see mutants as, as heresy. So, because they hate heretics and stuff, they hate psychers, they hate mutants, and they see space marines as vile mutants.

Right. Because they've been fucking adjusted in all this crap. Right. Oh, that makes sense. I hadn't thought about it like that, but yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, they don't like any of that kind of augmented crap. And then, but apparently, they actually really do like gar. So if you want your shipping, there's your shipping.

If you want to start your shipping, because because the guard believe in the imperial creed, you know, which is God emperor. And where the Marines don't believe that. So they're also like, Marines. Fucking fucking file. And also, they've shown that Marines are corruptible by chaos. And while the guard sure, can be, it's not. because they like they don't want to be. Where a lot of the Marines willingly went against the emperor

before even chaos was involved, guardsmen need like a demon to be to like start butt-fucking them before they actually start being like, be gone. I see. But yeah, that makes a lot of sense because they're just dudes. They haven't been augmented, they haven't been adjusted, they haven't been mutated, they're just dudes that really love the emperor. Exactly.

And they're girls. They just really love. love the emperor. The ember. Exactly. Then, you know, that being said, that being said, the sisters do appreciate custodians quite a bit. Oh, I imagine they would, since they're the protectors of like the emperor and they make

sure he doesn't, yeah. And also they're nigh uncorruptible. Like, they have never once gone to chaos. And they have a bit of appreciation due to the old, uh, Dosh Van Dyre time frames because they were the ones that showed them the error. Right. That's right.

They're the ones that took, um, I always forget her name. Alicia. There you go. Alicia Domenica. Yes. Patriot Saint of the Eben Shalas. Yeah, that's right. They took her through all the secret tunnels. And then she got, what was it?

Like, nobody knows if, like, what was what happened in there? She just came out and she was like, you motherfuckers! Yep. Yep, exactly. It's right. It's not a sister's episode. I'm sorry. Though great, they do work with the guard quite a bit.

So I think it was important to at least mention them a little. bit. Because the sisters in the guard are, are, tend to fight together quite quite often. In fact, actually very often, whenever like St. Celestine is on the battlefield, all the guardsmen are like invigorated with this huge holy feeling in their body.

Like, the sisters being existing in a guardsman battle, make the guard fight like five times as harm because they're like, chanting sermons and, and they're like, oh my God, the light of the emperor is literally next to us. Oh, that's cool. And they're schmovin. Dude, the guard are badass, man.

They are, I mean, they're just, they're just hardcore dudes. Like, I think, like, we hear so many, like, crazy, ridiculous, like, space marine things and chaos things in the Eldar and the tyrann and the orcs. And there's just, there's something real badass about in that universe, just a bunch of guys with Lasguns that are just, I'm doing my part. I'm doing my part. It very much is a Starship Troopers thing, isn't it? Yes, it is. And it's just, it's so crazy to think in this universe, they're just, guys, they're just. A lot of them.

A lot of them. There's just regiments and regiments of normal humans that are just fighting back the insanity. And it's fucking awesome. Yeah, and they're awesome. And a lot of times they do good shit. And it's like against all that insanity. It's like some of the hardest motherfuckers are just, hi, I'm a human in the guard.

I'm tough. I got to ask the comments and people. I have to ask them. You got to give me some stories as well. Because I know we always, there's always like, why didn't Brookie talk about this story or that story? Well, this time now you can tell me the story. Because I know there are many other incredibly badass guard characters.

But I'd like you to share a couple. couple, if you can in the comment section of this podcast, because on the YouTube one, obviously. If you would like to share a story or two, please do, because anything more, if I want to hear about the awesome story about the guardsman who ran out of ammo and survived like two days against Tyrannis by beating the shit out of hormagons with the butt of his rifle. I want to hear about that shit, because that sounds cool. Was that an actual thing or did you just make that up on the spot? I made that up, but you believe it, wouldn't you? I certainly would, actually. I was like, that might actually be a story

that he's using as an example. Because like, I could totally see like one of those catachin guards just being like, I don't have any ammo. Fucking, pop. And just surviving for like, you know, two, three days a week or something. And yeah, I can see that. I do have to say this before we go, though.

Because we will have some good episodes on the fall of Kadya one day that we do need to cover it a little. Katie has gone. Katie has been destroyed. It's been a big, fucking. deal, it's a huge deal, but I have to say it, even though it's kind of said to death

and I gotta be honest, I'm a little bit tired of hearing it, but I gotta say it anyway. You know, like, you know that meme of the guys who are having a conversation and they say, oh no, here come the whatever fans and they're like shitting everywhere with flags in the air. Uh-huh. It's basically

like, here come the Imperial Guard fans. So that's what that is always. It's always like, Cadya stands, the planet broke before the guard did. Brass balls of steel. It tends to be. There tends to be a lot of that with Imperial Guard fans. I know I'm one of them.

But the idea is that the planet of Kadia died, yet the Kady and guardsmen still operate. They still fight and they still continue. So it's the concept that the planet itself is destroyed. The planet under their feet broke before the humans and the guard did. The statement is the planet broke before the guard did. The guard are so insane and so powerful. that their own planet died before they gave up.

That's a pretty dope quote though. Like, if I was a guard fan, and specifically like the Acadian guard, like, how could you not just paint that shit on everything and make that like your mantra? Like, that's so fucking cool to be like the planet broke before we did. Like, that's, like, you put that on all your banners and, like, that's the rallying crowd of really get you like fucking fired up, dude.

Because that's like, oh, I know. I'm fine. That's like the macho like I'm a beat my chest. It's been done to death, man. It's everywhere. I don't want it anymore. Well, to be it everywhere. I'm still new to this Warhammer stuff. So to me it's just like, oh, fuck yeah, dude. That's true. That's what I want to get behind. That's the shit. That's true. That's true. Fair enough. Don't worry. You'll get tired of it one day. It is cool, though. When I read the comment section, I'm sure I will get. tired of it, yeah, yeah, fair enough.

Oh, I didn't talk about the Mordian Iron Guard. I forgot one. The Mordian Iron Guard, all right. Yeah, they're, uh, yeah. They live on a tidily locked planet where one size perpetually dark, one size perpetually light, and they're entirely all like super hardcore dress blues. And they're, they're like drilled insanely heavily drilled. They're incredibly loyal.

they have a, uh, very like, you know, the blue and the, the, what are those things called on the shoulders? Like, like little fluffy things. Oh, I, I, I, I don't know what those are called. We just call them shoulder fluffs. Yeah. Regardless, it's a pretty, it's a pretty hardcore, uh, regiment and they, they, they fuck. They fuck quite a bit.

I had to mention that because I did forget one of them. They look very, like, very, very serious and very, like, upstanding and like, ooh, yeah. Okay. If you, you, you want to get shot in the head, don't shine your shirt. choose. That's the Morty and Iron Guard. All right. I think that's it for this one. It went long.

I tried to cover a lot that I could just discussing. Like, it's about the fastest the imperial guard. I mean, a lot of those World War II history buff dudes will probably get, like, really into all the specific, like, nitty-gritty of the guard and, like, the ranks and the awards you get for being in the guard and how it's structured. Sure, sure, sure. but for the vast majority of guard players,

it's just that underdog story, man. Yeah. Just being that dude in a world. Yeah, being that dude in a world that should, by and large, fucking annihilate you. Like, the odds are against you if you're in the Imperial Guard, right? Like, 90% casualty rate. The odds are against you.

And yet still, somehow these fuckers are still winning. Uh, whether through strategy or just sheer fucking brute force. numbers, somehow this underdog keeps winning. So I get the appeal, certainly. I'm glad. That's all that matters. Yep. In that case, I think that's it. Is there anything else? I was going to ask, who's your favorite, who's your favorite guard regiment? Oh, I'm a little bit basic. I really do like Cadia. I find Cadia pretty great. That being said, I also really do enjoy. a lot of the like the Sions

I actually have my own little sion regiment I make I call them the 188 golden gloves because they have golden gloves Oh wow really That's what they're called then Well I mean It's very straightforward

I like it It's simple I mean there's other reasons But I like that part as their aesthetic So I got I got them And I have like I have like the 512 Kadian orbital defense is what I paint My Kedians as I like Kedians I think they look cool

I think they're classic. I'm a little basic on that one. There's a couple other guard regiments that are really cool. The McCabian genoceries, I think is what they're called. They're really neat. I think the Volstroy and Firstborn are really cool. But the problem is that guard model-wise are like 16 years old. They're very, very, very old.

And I think the only one that's older is Craft World Eldar. But they themselves are very, very old. And they really only have Cadians for models. Like all the other ones I mentioned don't really have models And if they do, they're like worse as old they are So is it so just a matter of like you always have to buy Cadian guard And then you sort of just customize them to make them look like the guard you actually want Or you just paint them as Cadians and then you just basically say

I'm actually playing them as this instead Oh okay fair Yeah, it's really it's really not very involved honestly for as many players as guard has I'm surprised that their models aren't better Their vehicles are pretty good looking though I'll give them that but a lot of their infantry look kind of crap. I was gonna say, they're pretty popular and there's a whole lot

of them, like, why wouldn't G.W. make unique guard regiments? Do you remember the story of the frog and the scorpion? Yeah. As soon as I said that I was like, it's probably just another dumb GW thing that makes no sense, isn't it?

Do you remember the ending of the frog and scorpion? Why did you sting me? It's in my nature. Because at the GW State should do some dumb shit Dumb shit, yep Also, Shai said people in the comments section Feel free to suggest guard topics for future episodes

She has a full list of them here And boy, there's a lot of guard There absolutely is There is quite a few Yeah, so yeah, feel free in the comment section To suggest them, but I think I think we're good for the guard episode, Briegey Yeah

It's a long-ass episode, I basically just fanboyed the whole episode which truthfully that's a lot of fun and I really enjoyed myself so with that I guess I'll start wrapping this up a huge thank you to all the patrons and all the people joining us lots of new people coming in both from that work video as well as everything else goddamn it's pretty crazy DK where can they find you you can find me D.K. Diamonti's at everything Twitter Twitch and YouTube still haven't bought out that Instagram so you got to find me a D.K. Diamante is over there, and that's, that's, that's me.

A quiet shy or quite shallow. Two places to find shy if you like to see any more of her stuff. As for me, I'm Bricky. Everywhere is Bricky, the usual type of thing. Also, a big thing we got to talk about is our next episode. And I do hope that, one, you might enjoy a possibly bonus episode that might be coming soon. Oh, shit. Who knows? Who knows it might be coming this week? We'll find out. But after that... Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk about it.

Wait, what, TK? Sorry, I'm not allowed to talk about it. Nope, I'm not allowed. Big secrets. Big, big, big plays, man. So that being said, for the next major episode, with the new codex that has just recently been released, we are going to talk about the Dark Eldar, the Drukari.

Oh, let's go. I've seen their models are disgusting. I like it. I like it. All the tubes, all the syringes. I'm excited. It is a time to talk about what is arguably the most evil faction in all of Warhammer. The ones that put other people to shame. It's time. I'm excited for the ridiculousness of the Dukari. I'm already. One might say the adeptest ridiculous of the Dukari.

Baha! Bha-ba-ha-ha-ha!