Adeptus Ridiculous - KISLEV: LET'S KICK SOME ICE | Warhammer Fantasy Lore

Episode Date: December 22, 2024

https://www.patreon.com/AdeptusRidiculoushttps://www.adeptusridiculous.com/https://twitter.com/AdRidiculoushttps://orchideight.com/collections/adeptus-ridiculousKislev, officially the Tzardom of Kislev, also known as the "Realm of the Ice Queen," and to the Kislevites themselves as "The Motherland," is the most northerly Human realm of the Old World. It is a powerful kingdom defined by the constant need to prepare for incessant warfare against the tribes of the Chaos-worshipping Northmen on their borders. Kislev is known far and wide for having some of the greatest horsemen to ever roam the plains of the southern realms. Ruled by a mighty monarch known as a "tzar" or "tzarina," Kislev is a nation born from the saddle, its people's ancestry traced to the mighty horse-warriors of the Gospodar tribe who inhabited the Eastern Steppes for many millennia.Support the show

Welcome everybody to the episode of the Realm of Ridiculous, where DK teaches me all about Fantasy Warhammer, which I immediately take as a boss baby reference. Before we get into this episode, if you enjoy this podcast, head on over to patreon.com slash Adeptus Ridiculous, where you can get access to the Discord. Bloopers, if they happen, there's a couple of them for this episode already.

You know, HD posters, digital format, great stuff. Go ahead. Check it all out. And then also, of course, head on over to the description. That's what it's called. Where you can go to Orchidate.com and get awesome merch for the holidays, like dice, clothing, different kinds of posters, all kinds of lovely stuff. Patreon.com slash adeptus ridiculous. DK., what have you been up to?

Well, first off, I'd just like to say, fantastic intro. Man, that was just clear cut, one take. I'm just, whew, I'm so proud of you, buddy, like, golly.

Take Tua, restart that thing. Restart on that thing. But, hey, I've been learning about fantasy, and this is, I think,

kind of a topical episode. So if you're ready, would you like your quote? I will, yes, I would like about a quote, actually, please.

Okay, okay. The quote, and this is a popular one, this is literally on the front page of their wiki. It's just the most

fitting one. It is, you look down on us, and think we are little better than barbarians. But you should be glad that we are. For without us, the northern tribes would be dining on the flesh of your children, burning in your homes. But for the courage that flows in our veins, would your lands be theirs?

Look down on us? You should get down on your knees and thank us every day. Oh, okay. Well, they're hoity-to-toity, no doubt. You really emphasize the look-down part, but we've done dwarves already. We have. We have. There's no emphasis on their height.

Okay, okay. I wasn't sure because you really were emphasizing the down. The big emphasis is that they guard against the northern tribes and they are actually quite important and they're not just savage barbarians. Is it Kislev? It is Kislev!

Let's go! Let's go! We are indeed talking about the icy lands of Kislev. I did not have much to roll around with that one, only because you said northern tribes. I just was like, cold? Cold? Icey?

And that was the best I got. So let's go. Hell yeah. And it's Christmas time. It's the winter. What better time to talk about the icy barren landscapes of Kislev then now? Let's go. All right.

All right. So I actually don't know a ton about Kislev. That said, I did play a bit of Warhammer. Total War III, and the prologue is all Kislev-related. Ah, that must have been one of the expansions, right? Because Total War War Warhammer 3 is like, there's the base game, and then there's, like, a trillion, like, add-on factions that they, like, continuously, like, make the game bigger with, right?

So it's the, the prolog-like tutorial thing was Kislev-related. Oh, okay. One of the, like, Kislev Kings kind of dudes, basically, found a corrupted artifact and then, you know, things went downhill ever since then. Fair enough. But, um, but, um, but yes, there, it's like this amalgamation of like various Slavic cultures with like very cold people, ice bears and like, uh, witch queens, right? Yep.

Yep. I literally my opening was going to be like, you're going to realize real quick that this is kind of like your Slavic area, like your Russia's, your Ukraine, your Poland. And it's going to be very. apparent that they are kind of borrowing and depicting the sardom of Russia, because the place is literally officially known as the sardom of Kislev. Okay. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. All right. Gotcha. Yeah. Yeah. The leaders, as we're going to find out, are literally called SARS, and if you are a female, you're a saraena in Kislev. All right. Well, there's, I mean, we're not here for subtlety. We just made a space marine chapter last

episode. We know we're not here for subtlety. No, we are not. So before we get into like the history of Kislev, just in general, kind of painting a picture of Kislev, like we said, Kislef is the most, most northern territory of man. They're not technically part of the empire, but they're allied with them. You know, they're not in the empire's umbrella, but they are allies. And like we said, what Kislef does for the empire kind of can't be understated. Kislev is the most northern territory

and they're bordering basically on chaos wastelands. To the north of them is troll country. There's just chaos worshipping humans. And then I think there is a coast that they're on. And the sea out to that coast is called the Sea of Claws. And not Santa Claus like CLAWS. No, like stabby, slicey, yes. Is it the sea of claws because it's like like a jagged and awful or?

Um, you know, I don't know. It's just from that sea of claws, there's a bunch of like chaos raiders that are constantly coming in and sailing in and looking for for treasure and wealth. So there, they are literally the last line of defense between the chaos wastelands, the chaos wastes and the empire. If Kislev is not there, chaos has like just, you know what? we're going south and we're going right into the empire. Okay, so that's why they're allied.

It's not because they love each other or anything. It's because it's an ally, alliance of convenience. I mean, they tolerate each other. They're okay with each other. They're fine. Okay. All right, all right. Yeah, but obviously a lot of the empire are like, oh, they're just barbarians and savages.

And it's like, well, that's easy to say from your warm, fertile, safe land while the Kislovites are in the bitter cold, fighting for their, lives every day to make sure that you can live your cushy little life. Is that how the Kislevites feel? Yeah, kind of. They're like you, like, that's like that quote, right? Like, oh, you want to look down on us? Bitch, you don't even know what I've dealt with today.

All right. Fair point. Fair point. Yep. And invading Kislef from like, I don't know, anything but a chaos perspective seems like kind of a fool's errand. because again, Kisleff is just bitterly cold

and the people have to be even stronger to survive, adapt, and thrive in this. So invading the motherland, and yes, they do call it the motherland. God damn it. They do call it to Motherland is a pretty bad idea because the weather itself

is like a soldier you have to fight in their army because it is so cold. If you remember the Greenskin episode, The most badass orc to ever live. Grim Gore Ironhide wanted to invade Kislev, but the weather and a blizzard that the Ice Queen made completely stopped him. Well, if I recall correctly, he went to go do it, and then the Ice Queen stopped him, and then he was like, damn it,

and then he walked away, and then he looked behind him, he was like, ha, ha, ha, and then she did it again. Yeah, yeah, but he lost a ton of troops just to the fact that it was so goddamn cold. What a, what a typical orc. Yeah. Very typical or, yeah. And you know what, that's a good enough segue to start talking about the origins of the Sardum of Kislov,

which started off as a nomadic tribe of sort of horse riders that were known as the Gospadars. And they initially started off in this place called the Eastern Steeps. It's kind of this big, open plains area. And they aren't quite in their big frozen tundra just yet. but, you know, they're in these roaming steeps, steps, steeps. They're these absolutely fierce nomadic tribe of horsemen, and they're making their way around.

They're doing the nomadic thing. They're going from place to place, doing the nomadic living lifestyle until the great catastrophe happens. And one by one, the other tribes that were in these steps start falling. They're either destroyed or enslaved by chaos. Not a lot of good things happening, but the gossip are they're strong. They're strong horse people.

They're surviving. They're fighting. They're resisting the temptation to fall into the service of chaos. And of course, they can't hold down forever. They even managed to employ their main deity named Erson, which is the god of bears in strength. Yes. Yeah.

I know Erson. It's a big part of the prologue. Oh, yep, yep. That is their main deity. It's the Kisleff logo. It's like a blue background, and I think it's either a white bearhead or on some of their shields. They have a big white bear paw. But even with Erson helping them, they are still losing ground, and the forces of chaos are seemingly endless, and it's not looking good.

It's like, oh, damn, it's only a matter of time before we fall. It's only a matter of time before, oh, Gospidar, done. but there's a Gospadar Shaman priestess that receives this sort of hushed message from from a great spirit of nature. It has like a bunch of names, the main ones I've found. It's been called the ancient widow, the land. And of course, it has just been called Kislev. Why is it called the ancient widow?

You know, I think that's just its name. I think, you know, maybe it was like, it was, oh, it's mother to the land. but, you know, I don't know. All right. And this ancient spirit is basically like, hey, listen, if you promise to head towards those icy lands over there and free me or, like, empower me from the prison chaos put me in, I will give you the most absolutely cracked ice magic available,

and you can totally save your people. And, oh, good, yeah. No, just, just like, it's suss, you know? It is. And that's a weird thing. thing with kiss lift. There's a bunch of stuff that seems like it's going to be suss and it's going to bite you in the butt.

It kind of never does. No, really. Yeah, I don't really think they ever I don't think this ever comes back to bite him in the butt. That's okay, all right, all right, unless this is some kind of foreshadowing that I'm not familiar with. I don't think so.

But needless to say, the shaman priestess was like, okay, sure, let's roll. And so, this shaman priestess is granted these absolutely smoking ice powers. She unites the Gospadaer, clans, and she does indeed heard them towards these western, these western icy steeps that the ancient spirit was like,

hey, go here. And with the tribes united, the shaman priestess, who was now known as Miska the Slaughterer. Okay. Which don't think I need to explain the nickname, do I? No, I. I mean, it's better than what's his name, the fat. The fat emperor or the ignorant.

Yep, yep, yep. Yeah, she's a bad bitch, and she would rule over the Gospadar clans as their first ruling and reigning con queen. And so the tribes, oh, yep, slay, slay, slay con queen. Yeah, that's all I got slay. Slay, slay, slay, slay, slay, slay, slay. And so the tribes of Gospadar are under the rule of their con queen. and they would ride to this area the ancient widow told them of. And when Miska laid her eyes on this big,

it was like this big, endless frozen terrain, it seemed like it was just pulsing with magical ice energy. And she just, she fell to her knees and she cried frozen tears of joy because she was like, you know what? We finally found a home. This, this is where, you know, this is where we're going to live. man, we can do work here. But there was one slight problem.

These frozen snowscapes, I guess I should call them, already had tenants called the Ungols, who I think we mentioned briefly in the Empire episode because they do have a bit of a treaty with the empire because they were a big part of the, I don't know if you remember the battle at Blackfire Pass, big orc human dwarf battle. Oh, is that the one where all the Slayer dwarves Were like down below or? It was like this big one where a bunch of orcs were spewing out The dwarfs were getting overrun and the humans were like, no, no, we got to save them.

And that's like where the big human dwarf sort of treaty and friendship. Oh, yes. Okay, yeah, yeah, gotcha. Yeah, the Uncles were a part of that. So the Empire was like, oh, yeah, uncles, they're pretty cool. they can live up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Was that the one where, um, oh, God, I always forget his name, but I always have like a, like a mental concept of it where it's like the famous ork black jaw gut punch or whatever

his name is. It was something like that. Iron, like iron jaw, whatever. Like a iron jaw, black jaw head ripper or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Some, some kind of should. Okay, yeah, yeah.

I remember now. Go ahead. Yep, yep. They were a big part of that. But, uh, I guess to make a long story short, uh, The Gospirars, they kind of dogwalk the ungals. Like, the Gospirars aren't just, like, built different. Like, they're expert horse people.

They have amazing lancers. They're just really burly built for this kind of territory. And the other big thing is they have Miska, who is not only a brilliant leader, not only a brilliant tactician, not only a brilliant warrior, but now she has this absolutely insane ice magic that she has become absolutely masterful at using.

I think Miska might be a bit busted. Yeah, Miska at the moment is absolutely cracked. Like an ice cube, one might say. Thank you. I'll be here all week. So, Kislov kind of runs the Ongols out of town pretty easy. They take control of their main hub city from the Ongos, called Prague.

They're just storming all over the icy lands for themselves. And, you know, it's at around this point that the Uncles and pretty much anyone foolish enough to step to the Gospadars, they start referring to Misca as the Ice Queen because she's doing work. I'm sorry, D-K. I'm sorry. I have to roll this back for a second. Did you say the city of Prague?

P-R-A-A-G, yes. Oh, God. I have more sympathy for them now because we made our own chapter and we basically did the exact same thing. But I feel like I peeped the horror. It's like, what do we need for our like our like sort of kind of like Slavic group? Okay, the czar. Yep, okay. So we got the czar is perfect.

The czardom. Yeah, the czardom. What's the name of the, what's the name of the, what's the name of? with a city. That's Prague. Just, screw it, ma'am. We got a deadline in three weeks. What was it? We were talking with Kariath about? Like, oh, yeah, just change.

Oh, Jericho, but it's with a G. It's Jericho, but with a K. Oh, yeah, it's Jericho with a K. Yeah, this is Prague with a double A. Come on. Oh, my God. Totally different thing. But yeah, at this point, Miska is like the Ice Queen.

Everybody knows her as the Ice Queen. And they would actually, at this point, they actually start to expand into the empire territory to the south. Because the empire at this point, they're not having a straight up good time. Because, like, I don't know if you remember the age of three emperors, I think it's called, but like there's rebellions, there's civil wars. There's not really one clear ruler everybody is listening to. So, like, the Gospadars and the Ice Queen Miska are, like, moving into these places

called Osland and Ostermark. Okay. And so everything's going super well. They're doing really well. And then in a strangely common trend in Warhammer fantasy, when things are going super well for them, Miska, the Ice Queen, decides, I need to leave.

I need to just vanish to the north. Which is like goes? Yeah, because apparently she just has like this weird vision that says, hey, you need to disappear into the north because there's something big happening up there and then one day you'll return and save your people. So legit, she just... What the hell does that mean?

I don't know. So legit, she just up and leaves everything except her magic sword, Fear Frost, which is now inherited, which it's like an inherited weapon to like every con queen to use, and she just vanishes to the north. She just dips.

Wait, is this, is this the ice queen I know about? No, the ice queen you know about is Katerine. Okay, because they look identical, or at least darn close. Mm-hmm. But yeah, we will definitely talk about Katerine. Okay. And as a quick aside, if you're wondering about Fear Frost, it's basically exactly the weapon you think it is. It is a magical ice sword that can freeze you if it cuts you.

But yeah, in that piece, picture, that is Fear Frost. It's a pretty cool sword. It's definitely not Frost Morn. It is Fear Frost. Fear Frost. That's fine. It looks pretty cool. It's Frost Morn? What?

Well, no, it's like Frost Morn looks, is like, you know, from Wow. Oh, I never played Wow. Oh, well, it's like the Litch King's sword. You've seen the Litch King's like that famous image of Hampton's sword, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Okay, okay, cool, cool. So, it is now, it is now fallen on Miska's daughter

Shoyka to kind of take the reins and make sure everything keeps going steadily. She would lead her people to building the capital city of Kislev. And then I'm not entirely sure the reason she decides to do this, but she decides, you know what, the ruler of Kislev, you know, they shouldn't be called the Khan queen anymore. From now on, you refer to your leader as the Sarina. And if it is a male leader, he is the Tsar. And under her rule, they would basically just kind of conquer the remaining Ungle lands, which the big one is this super important port city that was neighboring them called Norvard, which they would then rename into Arngrad.

Zoon tight. Thank you. Thank you. And basically now Kislev is kind of off to the races because now they have a really great like Port City for trading. for resources, and it's just like, oh, nice. Well and truly, she's like, oh, I have fulfilled my mother's mission of having not only a united Kislev, but a Kislev that is just its own sort of self-sustaining country. And it's also worth noting that as time went on, the Angles, which were kind of run out of

Kislep, they were allowed to return and be citizens of Kislev and live there as long as they lived under Kislev rule. like their old city of Prague, they were welcome back there, they were allowed to live there, and it becomes a city that is kind of just a majority-ungal city. And despite their obviously rocky history, they actually live in coexistence now. And one of the few remaining tensions is the fact that SARS and Sarina, I think you'd be surprised to hear that somehow they always come from Gospedar bloodlines. There's no uncle, SARS, or serinas.

Could you believe that? Me doing the meme of the guy like with the mouth open facing the camera and both of his hands behind his back, like looking around like, no way. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Could not believe my eyes if 10 million fire flies. Anyway. And also. they all just really hate chaos.

They hate chaos marauders. They hate the worshippers of chaos. So they're united in the sense that, you know what? We might have had a rocky history, but we're all here together. And man, fuck chaos. And again, the garrisons and cities of Kislev kind of, like I said, stand as a defended border against the chaos forces,

human worshiping or chaos worshipping humans from the north. and, you know, they do their job really well. Also, can we talk about how the ungles look like? Like, if you were, it's like, all right, all right, Bricky, draw what you think an uncle would look like, like from memory. This is about right. Well, do you have like an image that you are thinking of?

No, no, I'm looking at like the uncles. And it's like, oh, what is the faction of the uncles look like? And I was like, you know, there might be some weirdo tribesmen. and that's basically that or like i don't know they looks very strange like um i think their minis are basically just like pretty much what you think of like horse riding no shirt buff long hair they've got pelts on their knees are on there on there on for their pants and they are yeah they are very kind of what you would expect of a nomadic

sort of barbarian tribe what do they what do they look like some what do they like a little decrepit or is that just this weird old man? It might be the weird old man or it might have to do with the fact that they are roaming the steps so much and it's so cold there and it naturally has an effect

on you and they're constantly fighting chaos and steps are just really dangerous and it could be any of those things right? Yeah, I'm not quite sure exactly. I guess it's like shamanistic sort of but like yeah, like the person in like

the big, the outfit with all of the, like the raven skulls and deer antlers and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, I don't really know how to describe that. It's, like, a very specific, like, visual look with, um, you know, like, so, like, deer heads and and things like that, um, but, yeah, I mean, I mean, I mean, Shrys is, like, pagan Drudic style, but I'm not sure that's what I'm referring to or if that's just, like, the general vibe. because they do have their fair share of witches, magic, hag witches and stuff like that. So it could be a part of their sort of like just the sort of mysticism that they believe in as well.

So it could be any of that. But the Angles in Prague are getting a little uneasy about the chaos nonsense. Because they have a shaman or they have shamans that are like, hey, guys, I know everything's going great, but we're getting like these visions of the future and it doesn't look good and it doesn't feel right. It feels like chaos is kind of juicing up for something like big. And so they, I think they have like 750 years of relative peace in Kislev.

And what would end up happening is in the north, they would crown a new ever-chosen. His name is Asavar Cole, which Everchosen is basically the highest of the high that a chaos champion can become. They have the blessings of all the chaos gods. They've united all the human worshipping war bands of chaos, and essentially you now have a champion of chaos undivided.

Ever chosen, obviously, a massive problem. problem. And I think from what I was reading, should I correct me if I'm wrong, there have only been in all of Warhammer fantasy's history, there have only been 13 ever chosen. Okay. As of our call is, as of our call is only the 12th. I think I remember the ever chosen from way back away when we started talking about because the end times was a big part of that, right? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. The, I think the 13th ever chosen causes. the end times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what Shai said, actually. But yeah, we actually, I think we talked specifically about Asavar Kull in the Empire episode when we talked about Magnus, because the Magnus part and the Kisleff part kind of overlap. Right, the other Magnus. Yeah, the one that actually didn't do anything wrong. Right, right. Yeah. And it would be this ever

chosen, Asavur Kul, that would lead his newly united army into Kisleff and basically just starts massacring and slaughtering his way until they reach Prague. And Prague didn't want to fall easy. Like they had these massive spiked walls that were like the pride and joy of Prague. Prague was known as the Bastion of the North. And, you know, true to like Kislev, pride,

they held out really well against Asavar Kull and the chaos undivided forces. At the start of the campaign, Anyway. Okay. Yeah, because like the bitter cold of like Kislev obviously is advantageous to them, especially in the winter. And a lot of the chaos forces get kind of wrecked by the bitter cold. You know, the people are dropping left and right and it seemed like, hey, this is this is going okay. But this army of the ever chosen rallied was massive. And they just don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming until literally the city. of Prague starts running out of supplies and they literally start starving to death trapped inside their own walls. And so now, unfortunately, winter has kind of turned against Prague because no supplies, no food, they can't get out, chaos is still at your doors. Oh no, what's that? Winter's coming to an end and the weather isn't benefiting us, benefiting us anymore. The city of Prague

essentially stood no chance. Once winter ended, the armies of the ever-chosen just went absolutely wild. They enter the city. They are burning civilians and soldiers alike. And chaos goes so hard

in this town that not only do they kill everybody, the chaos energies literally start warping people into the walls. So the walls have like screaming faces on them and people get just like imbued into the walls. I love it. I love it when people are in the walls.

We do it so often. We get so much of it. They're in the walls. They're in the walls. They're in the walls. And because of all of this just awful stuff, Prague sort of just becomes known as the cursed city.

Prague falls a lot. Prague fell to the Gospadars and then they recover and then chaos comes. they fall again, but the people of Prague are very, very stubborn. They just keep coming back. But around the time that Prague fell, the reigning Tsar, I forget what his name is at the current time, but he had sent a request for emergency aid to the empire because, you know, they're allies and, you know, how many times do we have to stop chaos from invading before you guys

come and help us, right? but the problem is this is not a great time for the empire if you remember in our our empire episode like I mentioned they go through this period called the age of three emperors no specific leader

civil wars rebellions like I said and there's nothing really going great for the empire right now so they're not in a lovely position to send aid to anyone and so there are also some chaos insurgents that are literally already in the empire,

also making life a living hell for them. And they're like, oh, yeah. If our little chaos insurgents go into the empire and they start causing problems to you, they can't send support to Kislov because we're already in your doors. We're already in your walls. That's just so funny to me. And it's so chaos-pilled. Yep.

And again, like, as I said, there's a lot of empire episode overlap here. this is around the time a bunch of Zinj demons start causing problems in the city of Nome and the city of Nome kind of gets overrun and they're like oh, Sigmar guide us, please help us, Sigmar, we come to you praying for you know, hope and salvation and this is when that comet shoots across the sky

Magnus the Pais looks up and he's like, oh shoot, that's a sign from Sigmar. That's ooh and he sort of gets like really juicy, up and he's like, oh, I have the will of Sigmar behind me. It is my duty to rid the world of chaos. And that's when he starts just, you know, he clears out the

demons and known. He starts to really rally the forces of the empire behind him. He literally has to walk through fire to gain the support of Middleheim. He manages to get the aid of a high elf, someone named Archmage Teckles. So

like Magnus has human and high elf working as a unified empire and they're like okay we got to go save prague let's go save prague because man that cursed city sounds like it's in big trouble and so they ride like full speed trying to stop chaos from like ransacking Prague but they missed it by like a few hours and they they show up and Prague is just on fire all they hear is like women and children screaming, they see all the twisted nonsense. They basically show up in time to see chaos leave.

Like they basically, oh great, look, everything's destroyed. Oh, look, on the horizon, it's chaos. They're leaving. Damn it. So with the town of Prague, the empire couldn't really do anything. So Prague kind of ruined at this point, but if you remember, Keras A. Karek, the dwarves in there are like, you know, we normally like. to just keep our doors shut to all this nonsense and just,

bleh, you know, but they were like, you know, this seems like a thing where all of us need to band together, you know, because if we don't, chaos is just going to run rampant. So legit, hundreds of dwarves start marching towards Kisloaf, and they're like, we're going to help you. We are going to aid you. We are going to support you. And now, essentially, you have human, dwarf, high elf,

all collectively coming together to help Kislef, in their fight against the ever chosen ever chosen well i mean i feel like if the ever chosen win things get really really bad so i'm kind of like i'm kind of on their side with that one dwarfs are like yeah it wouldn't be good if we just shut our doors and prayed like we did in the great catastrophe yeah definitely yeah um and it should be noted that at this point chaos is now kind of in the middle of a pincere attack uh because magnus had taken some of his forces to like beeline it to Kislev while some of his forces went to Prague. So Magnus is like trying to make a direct line to Kislev.

He sends some of his trips to Prague like, hey, go help them out if you can. And the ones that went to Prague, although they weren't in time to save Prague, they were just like, oh, there's the ever chosen's army. And so they start attacking the backlines of the ever chosen's army. and they do it so well the backlines literally don't even have enough time to report that they have been attacked to the ever-chosen. So the ever-chosen has no idea

that his backline is getting absolutely fucking roasted. And again, because we don't have infinite time, and we kind of talked about this already when we talked about like Magnus during the Empire episode, we can do a little TLDRing here. So Magnus kind of arrives en masse to Kislev. Tecklin's magic starts doing work because obviously the ever-chosen's forces are there. They are banging on the gates of Kislev.

And so this big amalgamation of dwarfs, humans, Teclan, elves. They're attacking them from the front, but they're also getting attacked from the back. So Asvarkal is like, oh, shoot, we're in a really bad situation. spot. But Asavar call pulls out like one last trump card. He, he reigns in like all of his, like, mightiest soldiers. He calls in like all of his big heavy hitters and they start to turn the tide of battle. And it's looking like, oh, shoot, Asavar call is going to win. Holy. Like, I think there's a specific point where like a hundred dwarves, they're like, they're like keeping the gates of Kislev shut and they're like, oh man, we got to go help. And literally a hundred dwarves

just walk into an absolute slaughter. But when all looked lost, everything would unravel for Asavar when there's like this big imperial relief force that arrives. It was meant to go and help Prague, but Prague was destroyed. So they were like, hey, let's go to Kislev. And so now Asavar Kull is getting like hit on like three sides. So even though he has his biggest, baddest warriors, he's getting hit from the back. He's getting hit from the front because Kislev,

we're like, oh shoot, aid, open the doors, all the soldiers come pouring out, they're getting hit from the front, from the back, this new relief force is hitting them from the side, and it's not good for Asifar call. It's not good for the ever chosen, because now he has to duel Magnus. And he spends 10 plus hours dueling Magnus, and the ever chosen would indeed be defeated by Magnus, and it would end Chaos's siege. That's like the big TLDR version because this is a huge battle at the gates of Kislev,

but again, we don't have infinite time. I was about saying this seems like it was an absolute, like, massive thing. Also, the chaos. Oh, it was huge. The Chaos Warriors in fantasy are really cool. Oh, they're so cool. I love their, like, sort of dark, twisted medieval armor.

They're very, very dope. It's really neat. Yep. But after all this is said and done, everyone's kind of surveying the damage that has happened at this absolutely massive. Just every faction is involved in this siege of the Kislev Gates. They're sort of taken survey and they're like, huh, Kislev as a whole is kind of in ruins. Like its greatest cities have basically been trampled and toppled by chaos. And the following years in Kislev, not easy. Especially since Kislev is right on the border

of Troll Country, and with Kislev being so extraordinarily weakened, suddenly, like, cities are not only in ruin, but they're being overtaken by goblins, trolls, leftover chaos monstrosities. SARS would come and go trying to, like, reclaim their lands, but they had, like, very

little success. There was even, there was a really bad Serena who ended up coming into power. Her name was Caterin the Bloody. Oh, okay. Better her than the other one, the slaughterer. Yeah, Caterin

the Bloody was a vampire. Oh, oh, it's extremely on the nose then. Oh, yes, it is very on the nose. And I think at one point, according to the wiki, she outs herself as a vampire to the people of Kislev. She's like, hey, I'm, look at my

crazy powers. But the Kislovites, they didn't know what a vampire was. They didn't know what that meant. And apparently, they didn't really care because they were so used to pale-skinned women with magical powers in positions of the serena that they were just like, yeah, that tracks. It's fine. Whatever. My first thought goes to, did you ever watch 30 days of night, the movie? Yes, yes, I did.

I don't, I remember that movie fondly. though I don't actually know if it was genuinely good. But I do remember liking it. And my first thought was immediately like, yeah, well, of course, as good vampires are going to become him. You're in the northern areas of Kislev. The sun barely shows itself. You can probably go out any time of day you want.

Yeah. Yeah. It's Alaska coded. Yeah. And if I understood her lore correctly, the sort of middle-class nobility decided that, oh, man, we need to topple her. We need her reign to end. and not because, you know, she was a savage vampire that was killing and drinking the blood of her people or anything, but they wanted to end her reign because she was immortal.

And man, if the serena is immortal, that means she never dies. And if she never dies, then we can never potentially rise in our position of power and we stay stagnant forever. Okay. So they decided to end her reign because we don't like that. the idea that she's immortal and never leaves power and we just stay stagnant. Oh, nice. Nice. Nice. Fantastic. On brand. Mm-hmm. And she was eventually tamed with a stake to the heart, as of course, and her body was literally frozen on a block of ice that is still on display in the Frost Palace in Kislev as a grim

reminder to any other vampires that are thinking of doing what Caterin the Bloody did. All right, that's, all right. I mean, I kind of expected Caterin the Bloody to have a bit more of a longer stint here.

I was incorrect. I mean, to be fair, even though I made it seem short, I think she had like an over 100 year stint as Serena. Well, now she had a hundred year steak. Hey

B'bobops Hey I'm loving every minute of it Jerry But things Did start to get better When the Boka family Came into power

Boka these nuts Shy Kill him Shy And this man's life Oh damn Mine is Tua Bad joke

Damn Shy invert this man's organs Shy Try throw this man to the warp Should I feed this man to the wolves? Give the lions. Yeah. But the first of the Boka fit.

Now I'm going to hate saying it now. You've ruined this damn family for me. But the first in their line was a Tsar named Vladimir. And he did die fighting goblins. This is true. But as lame as that sounds, it was like one of the first times where a czar was like, you know what? I'm going out on the front lines for my people.

I'm going to try to reclaim land. I'm going to try making safe passage. I'm going to make sure my people get what they need. And so he was a beloved sard because of what he tried to do, even though he died doing it. His son, Boris, was just like his father in the sense that he wanted very much to reclaim the lands of Kisleft that they lost. And he fought heroically to make it happen. He even damn near bankrupt the Boka line just to change. try to like reclaim the lands and get everything back.

He was also huge proponent at bringing back the worship of Erson, the god of bears and war, which had seen a steady decline because people were kind of starting to worship the empire gods because the empire now had a presence a little bit in Kislov after they came to rescue them. And it was kind of like, we need to get back to the old way. And to do that was no.

easy task, he had to undergo a trial that would see him tame a wild bear. He had to go tame a ritual of the wild bear, which he was more than happy to do, until he went missing for like over two weeks and everybody assumed that he had died in the harsh wilderness of Kislev. Okay. But they did finally find Boris. I think I read that it was specifically on the 19th day of searching, they find his unconscious body being guarded by this big, ferocious white bear, and they were surrounded by wolf corpses. But even when the Kistavites came near, this bear would not let anyone near Boris's body. And it wasn't until Boris finally regains consciousness that the bear is like, okay, you guys want to tend to Boris? That's fine. He's here. He's letting you through.

Let me just talk about how it's um, it's Boris. Boris. Boris the bear. Boris de bear. Mm-hmm. It is indeed Boris de bear. Okay, I won't lie though. Wait, is that Boris the bear?

That has to be Boris the bear. That's such a, it just has to be. That's such a cool looking dude. Oh, yeah. Like, their look is so good. And we will be talking about those feathers on their back as well. because that's like a big thing in Kislev. Well, it's like the, what was the old one, like the winged Haasars or whatever there are?

I don't know, actually. It's like an old, it don't worry about it. This gives me, this gives me, I forget. Shai told me the name of this a while ago, but it was like super stereotypical USSR Russian media. Because I think, I remember, like, I see this bear. My first thought goes to like Red Alert 3, where it's like, it's like a massive. just like over the top shitpost and I'm just thinking like

Wing Hassars or whatever it is riding on top of armored bears like can we give them like a handle of vodka in the other hand if we're going to go that far a handle of that that would be great oh man is that a historical picture? Yeah the Polish that's what they were there

the Polish wing of SARS Wow that is so I hadn't looked up any of the actual historical things that is like to a T what they have a group called the wing glancers that's to a T what they look like Yeah that's that's not that's not surprising to me

The um yeah I mean it's Everything is based on the history at some point I wonder if they stopped putting the wings on it They were like a huge pain to fight with Because that's my first thought That would be a huge pain to fight with Oh absolutely right That would be just like kind of cumbersome

And very easy to get stuck in things And get you off your horse and yeah Yeah Anyway Yeah, but the bear basically never leaves Boris's side again. And as you saw, Boris literally rides into battle on his big, cool, dope-ass bear mount. That's so neat. Right.

And as the tale goes, which I assume was told from Boris because he was a survivor, is that he finds the bear in the wilderness and they begin to literally fight bear-handed. And it was basically a stalemate with the bear. Bear can't take down Boris. Boris can't take down the bear. and they're fighting for a full ass 24 hours. And because it was just such a fierce fight, their blood is just all throughout the air.

Wolfpack smells it and they're like, oh, we're eating good tonight. And so this wolf pack surrounds them. And even though the bear and Boris were just fighting it out, duking out, they're like, oh, shoot, we got wolves to deal with. And they kind of just have this unspoken bond where they both just, boom, start cracking skull. on wolves and boom, bam.

But Boris, the injuries get the better of him. He falls on conscience. And the bear gaining sort of this savage respect for Boris protects him from the wolves until he could be rescued by the Kislovites. Ah, so another of opportunity. You know, I got to be honest, I always thought this was like a big Eastern European type faction. I disagree.

This is a very American. These bitches got the right to bear arms. Oh, wow. you are on fire today. Yeah, I'm burning alive. Hoie! Put this man on the steak. What are you going?

I mean, I can't think of a more stereotypical main character faction person than the dude who wrestles a bear for a full day and then befriends the bear and then rides him into battle. God damn it, dude. I love it. It's fair. But Boris would go on to be a rather successful czar. he would also found the great orthodoxy which was basically a way to sort of just streamline the gods Kislev worshipped

which the obviously the most popular one and their sort of logo is the cult of Ursan the Baron Strength and they also have the cult of Tor which is the god of thunder and the deity to all their warriors they have the cult of Shalia the goddess of healing comfort the cult of Daaz the god of fire and sun

and the reason it was so important to Boris to like really sort of like streamline all this into like the great orthodoxy is because some of these cults their rituals were getting a little funky fresh like there were some hags and witches in the woods that were you know these rituals they feel like something that chaos could latch on to

and cause problems with if things get any more crazy so he wants to make the great orthodoxy where it's like, hey, listen, all of you, if you want to, if you want to pray to your God, you can do it, but just do it under our watchful eye, you know, just do it with our priesthood so that, you know, if things get a little out of hand, we can just be like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, stop that. Yeah. Stop it, you know, I mean, I feel like the shamanistic rituals like that always end up in some,

so, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. So he was like, you know, this is just pretty important. Let's just, you know, keep it down. But Boris, unfortunately, would eventually fall in battle while patrolling Kislev. He was taking on a chaos-worshipping human war band called the Kyrgyz. They had him fully surrounded. They take him out. He falls off of his bear.

His bear goes running off. It's never seen again. The myth has it that the bear is constantly roaming the northern chaos waste, looking for the people that killed Boris, so it can have its run. revenge. Oh man, I'm really sad now. I thought Boris would stick around. I mean, he had a nice long rain, you know, and with Boris's passing, his daughter would take the reins as Serena until the end times. His daughter, of course. Serena the bear? Uh, his daughter, of course, being Caterin the Ice Queen. Oh, shit. Oh, she's one quarter Crogan.

she's one quarter crogan and actually what's crazy is like i was i was i was kind of like reading through the wiki and i was oh cool now we learned about katerin the ice queen literally the next line is like oh yeah katerin the ice queen and the end times and i was like i feel like katerin is like a seriously bad bitch oh a hundred percent because we still have a lot to talk about and we will sort of talk about katerin's mindset and what she's doing but like i was like Oh, come on, man. End times now. You just introduce Katerin. Oh, lovely. I love when I hear, we have so much more to talk about 51 minutes into the episode. Oh, well, you know, shut up.

Damn, it makes a good point. I know, right? So, that's basically like our little TLDR on Kislev's history. It was like, that's the abbreviated version, man. We're 54 minutes in. That's the abbreviated version, like the super abbreviated version. So let's talk a little bit about the people of Kislev, how they live, some of the things that make them so, excuse the pun, cool. And of course, I think the first thing we've got to talk about is how cool their ice magic is, which specifically the ice magic is something that only the women of Kislev can do. Oh, let's go. Yeah, Warhammer Fantasy is so progressive. So progressive.

Let's go. Let's go. Actually, I was reading a little blurb about this where in Kislev, they find the use of magic to be a very feminine art. Oh, interesting. Yeah. And so the men are like brutal warriors and stuff. The women are mages. And I think usually when foreign male magic users come to Kislev, they're kind of berated a little bit and they are not shown like the most hospitality ever.

Pussy, you're not going to rely on these giant. guns on my arms? You're going to use some kind of magic instead of your pure gains. Right? It's kind of what happens. But the ice witches are descended from the first Con Queen Miska and the ancient

widow, which like I said, nothing bad happened. Ancient widow, hey, you're thriving in my lands. Wonderful. Good for you. And all the ice witches aren't just kind of like doing their own selfish thing. They're actually like the ice witches are an organized group. They're like a sisterhood that genuinely

acts for the betterment of Kislev. And interestingly enough, while a lot of magic is from like the winds of magic, it's this blowing wind of magic. From what I've read, it seems like the ice magic of Kislev,

it's not part of the winds of magic. They think that it is literally like this mystical, sort of magical energy that is just a part of Kislev itself. Like the icy lands and the icy winds of Kislev are just empowering them

with this ice magic. So it's like almost this unexplainable, frozen-esque magic. I said the feminine urge to use frosty magic from a giant frost bear. But here I am thinking that people are going to take it the other way and be like, only women can use ice magic

because their hearts are cold as ice. Oh! Because them bitches be ice cold. Damn. Damn. It gives new definition of giving someone the cold shoulder.

You know this reminds me of? It reminds me a little bit of I feel bad because I always forget her name. She's the lady in the Castlevania series. Oh, I don't remember her name either. I'm not a huge

Castlevania fan though, to be fair. It was the Netflix show. It was really good, actually. But I always forget her. Saifa? I think it's Saifa. Sure. I remember watching season one

and I can't remember why I didn't get into season two because I love the first season. So much. She's like a battle mage kind of character. So it kind of reminds me of that a little bit. It's neat. Yeah. And one of the

more important things to note about Kislev is that it is by and large made up of basically like the returning Ungals live in the north and the sort of hoity-toity gospitars live in the southern region, kind of in peaceful coexistence. They live together.

And the separation, kind of what you'd expect it to be, Ungal areas to the north of Kislev, they're more tribal. they're more nomadic, kind of like they were before being integrated. And it seems to me like Kislev in the South is sort of like the rich, noble upstanding, sort of like they got this like pseudo empire vibe going on to it. In the North, they even have their own sort of ungal law, and they're sort of allowed to govern their territories with it.

And from what I read, this was something that Katerin's father, Boris, initially was like, you know what, I need the support of the Uncles. I want them to really fight hard for me. I want them to like be all in on this. So you know what? They're in the north. They're kind of far away from us. Let's let them govern themselves. They're not asking anything crazy. And apparently, Katerin really hates this and wants to get rid of it because she wants all law to pass through her. But she kind of has to respect the ruling of her father before her because that's just a very kiss-left thing to do. Yeah, but like sleigh? Yeah, but like Slay queen, sleigh, who cares? It's also a little confusing because as I understand it, the Ungle laws aren't actually recorded or

documented anywhere. They're just kind of memorized by this group of Uncles called the Wise Women and like their judges, they're like law judges to just pass down the laws every generation, which I need to talk about the wise women, because you, you, you. You. You. You. You, you, hear the name wise women and you're like damn they must be like super respected and super well liked right no but they kind of aren't okay are they like like

I don't know what else to expect from what you're about to say then besides no yeah like when I heard wise when I was like oh yeah these have got to be like clan elders but like they're considered like this kind of old guard they've been around for a really long time they've kind of seen everything they basically know the full running history of Kislev.

They know what chaos tainted shit looks like when they see it. And, you know, they try really hard to make sure they're using their Vash knowledge to help everyone around them. Which is kind of why most people sort kind of hate them.

Like, in trying to help, they just kind of sound like that mom that's consistently telling you not to have fun. Like, maybe you want to start a farm. You're like, oh, hey, that looks like some fertile land over there. Like, maybe we should like, hey we really we could really use a farm in these in these nomadic areas and a wise and be like no you can't 700 years ago there was a demon incursion there and there was a demon portal it's no good

you can't farm there stop it and it's kind of stuff like that so while they're only trying to help they're kind of not really well liked well are they are they right though like and also could they Could they not look like a hag in the woods? I'm sorry, what do you mean? They're not well liked. Should I post this photo? She has an entire basket of skulls in a cauldron held up by skulls. What do you mean they're not well liked?

Okay, that's probably a hag witch, which I'm about to talk about. But I think most of the time they're not, like, they're not wrong that like, oh yeah, there was like a thing that happened there a long time ago. I think it's more like they're just overly cautious. It's like overly cautious to the point of like, look, that was like 700 years ago, dude. Like they're obviously gone. That area's been fine for a long time. And I think people are just kind of tired of being told no.

You know, like a scorn child. They're kind of like, no, mommy, I don't like the word no. Tell me yes and I'm a good guy. All right, fair point. Also, most wise women aren't able to use magic. But there are a few of them that can probably. properly connect with the winds of magic, and those are known as hag witches. Oh dear.

And, you know, specifically their power comes at the cost of increased appearance of aging, though magically they can live to be like several hundred years old. And like the really, really, really strong hag witches are called hag mothers. Okay. I mean, that is a much different photo than the first one. I'll give you that one. She looks more like a vampire than like. But Jesus.

Yeah, that is like the most popular picture of a hag mother because holy. And the Ongles place a huge importance on hospitality because of course they do. They are a nomadic tribe that is living in a barren winter hellscape. So to them it's like, hey, even if that is your worst enemy, even if it's a villain, you do not leave them out in the cold. you bring them in, you give them shelter for the day, figure out what's wrong later, never, never leave someone out in the cold. That is one of the worst crimes in their community is if you're an uncle and you refuse to give someone hospitality,

it's like a big, big no-no. The only thing worse you can do is abuse the hospitality that someone gives to you. Like if you start insulting your host or you start spitting on them or insulting them, ooh, they are, they're coming for you. When you say coming for you, as in like you'll just die or what? So they might. They might. I don't know if they would straight up kill you, but they, we'll talk about some of the punishments that Uncle Law permits in just.

just a minute here. And they're not great. I don't know. They're not great. But speaking of like punishments, right? With uncle law, they see everything as very communal, very community. So if you're in a family or you're in a community and one person in your community breaks the law, they can literally come after anybody in your community and take them to be judged. It doesn't have to be the person that did it. They would prefer if it was the person that did it. But if they can't get them, they are absolutely going to take someone from your community and just goy-k, take them. I'm sorry.

Yes, goink, thank you. Goink. So they basically, like, the failures of the one destroyed the whole group. Yeah, essentially. So it's on the community to be like, hey, we got to take care of everybody. we got to watch everybody. If it seems like somebody's falling off the rails, grab them, put them in their place.

Because like if Little Timmy steals an apple and then ghosts us, they could very easily take Grandma or something. Because oh, Grandma, the... Little Timmy, you stole thing. Now Grandma's going into the walls. Yep. Good job, Timmy.

Grandma, you were always watching the kid, weren't you? It falls to you, right? And it's weird also because the Ongles see the gossip as just one big family. So if there's just a random gospodar that comes into Ungol territory and they steal something, they kill someone, or they shit on someone for offering them shelter, the gospodars are like, well, we could theoretically justifiably take literally any gospadar and try them for the crime. Which Caterin hates this.

She hates that so much. So she literally has like a special troop that if there is a gospitar who is accused of an uncle crime, she's like, hey, guard, go find him immediately so we can just give them the person that did it. That's who they want anyway. Whatever. It's fine. And there's no stressing about like who they're going to try and like make pay for it. Oh, well, I mean, that's good. It's a little quick, but I get it. and usually there's like a third party judge who kind of resides over any disputes they look over the evidence they look over the facts and it is sort of this judge once this judge is like yes you're guilty that's it you don't get to argue you don't get to cop a plea deal that is over and done with and it seems like that would be something that like could be very easily abused but from what I've seen, there have been almost no misuses of power in this position

usually goes over really well. And also, Caterin, in recent times, has taken to being like, hey, if you're going to be an uncle judge, you need my permission because, God, I don't want this to get out of hand. And so you asked, what could happen? What are some of the punishments

that the uncle tribes give, right? I do want to point out of the thing shy said. It says, by the way, to prevent a chat from being mad, we need to mention that the Ungols are based on the Zaporosayan, Cossacks. Oh, that's hard. Ukrainian Cossacks. Though, I must admit, the photo that she chose for this is a lot more jovial and fun and doesn't look like a lady with a basket of skulls.

True, true. So, like, this is far, this looks like a far more enjoyable time here as opposed to what the ungals look like in Kislev. Also, would Chat be mad at not having that mentioned? Chat loves their history. They love their history. Ah, okay, okay, okay. And there's one thing Americans never learn about

it's European history. Fair, fair. So, here's a list of some of the punishments you can be given. Granted, these are probably the more serious ones, but there's the punishment of, arrows where you are literally tied up to a post while archers shoot arrows at you. And weirdly, the victim is usually allowed to pick one of the archers. And how many archers, how many shots they take, how close or how far away from you they are,

that is up to the judge to decide with how severe your crime was. One example that someone was like, oh yeah, I'm going to pick this archer. And I think the archer was like renowned for not having great aim, missed literally every single shot they got to go free. There is also the punishment by the glove where they have like these clamshell gloves that are superheated

until they are glowing red. Those get clasped around the victim's hands for a length of time that the judge deems worthy. There is the punishment by the helmet, which is similar to punishment by the glove, except, oh, it's a helmet that gets superheated

and it just gets riveted onto your fucking dome. A lovely, classic. We love to hear it. Which, if you're lucky and the judge is like, hey, I don't want you to suffer that. They can, they're like, you know what? We're just going to rivet this thing right into the base of your skull. And this rivet is going to go right into your brain and kill you like that. And you won't have to suffer.

Lucky you. Yeah, I don't believe that for a second. There is also punishment by horse running, which is exactly what it sounds like. But it can vary depending on how the judge is feeling. So either you get your hands. tied. Maybe it gets tied around your waist so you can keep up with it. They tie your ankles. And sometimes

they're just like, you know what? Let the horse decide and just be like, fuck it. God's going to decide how bad this is going to be for you. Go get him a horse. You can pick how this guy dies. Yeah, pretty much. And how long the horse runs again and how fast it runs is determined by the

severity of your crime. So you could survive this or you could get absolutely just toasted. And the last one is the punishment of spirits' mercy, where more or less you are exiled out into the harsh climate of Kislev with a brand on your face that basically says to every tribe, do not offer me hospitality. And you got to basically just figure out on your own

how to survive in the wilds of Kislev. And usually they send you out there butt-ass-naked, with nothing but your name. Isn't that kind of what like Stalin did back in the day for people he didn't like? He was like, all right, here you go to Siberia, good luck. Sounds right. Seems like something Stalin would do, sure. I thought that was like an old punishment or something back in the day.

Maybe more than just Stalin did that. But, you know, don't worry about it. Old, yes, never happens. Totally, right? Yeah, I know, you know, I just, I remembered that. one Stalin guy doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Perhaps others did it,

but you know, we don't need to worry about that right now. Yeah, yeah, totally, totally, totally. If you're in part, if you're like a part of an extremely wealthy or well-liked family, they will let you have like a full set of equipment too, but usually chances are you're screwed. And that's kind of how the angles of Kislev operate, right?

They're just very big on the community. They're very big on their sort of little clan units. which again makes sense because you're a nomadic group in an icy hellscape like Kislev. So of course hospitality is important. Of course making sure nobody is left out in the cold. Very important. But a quick aside, like this mindset obviously important for a nomadic tribe, but even more so on Kislef because the steeps that they call home or the Oblast as they call it,

again, pretty remote place, pretty cold, pretty dry, insanely different. place to live. So being hospitable, super, super, super important. And in the south, it's mostly gospel our territories in Kislev. Things are much more, to speed this up, it's more kind of like the empire, right? Very much show your respect to the rich nobles. Katerine wants literally all law in Kislev to run through her. She wants to be the end all be all, but she also kind of has to concede because Kislef is like on the whole Kislev kind of barren, kind of empty

the further north you go and not fully recovered. So she got to keep everybody unified. So while she might want everything to run through Kislef, she wants all lot to run through her, she kind of has to make these sort of like concessions to the uncle people so that they stay in

line so that they're happy and that you know, they don't get constantly invaded. As is important. Yes, as is important, because if the ungoals are like, no, no, we don't like you anymore, then, you know, you lose like your first line of defense on Kislev. Also, interestingly enough, the people of Kislev don't mind when their taxes are raised because, like, they are so often fighting chaos and they are so often at war that they're like,

well, if they're raising the taxes, it's probably for the military. and if it's for the military like obviously we want to pay more because if the military is underfunded we're fucked what a bizarre thing I just like

ah yes of course that's that's terrifying damn I'll gladly they pay more taxes to be fair Katerin has shown herself to be a leader that's not like oh yeah I'm just going to increase taxes because hoop but do it and I want more money

she literally only does it when she has to, right? I'm just, this is so surprising. It's, damn, I'm starting to think that maybe Warhammer isn't a satire in real life. That shit would never happen. No, it wouldn't. But yeah, Katerin rules from her ice palace, which is literally just this beautiful frozen palace. Everything is made out of ice. It just glistens.

She has a frozen court where she makes all of her rulings. and of course she has a special secret police called the Chequist, Chequist, and those are basically her eyes and ears all over Kislev for anyone that's voicing displeasure or anyone that's abusing the laws. Also, when you're in the frozen court, there are very specific rules. It's basically like you can't stand behind, you can't sit behind, you can't be higher than, you can't turn your back on and you cannot sit in

the Ice Queen's presence so she's always got to be above you you can't be behind her you can't be in her blind spot and from what I've heard this isn't like a super harsh rule it's just like hey I want everyone

to concentrate on what I'm doing I need everyone to do what I want them you know she needs to be the the focus of the attention I just and this is the real this is the reasonable one. Yeah.

I don't. I'm so, I'm so confused. Also, one of the more amusing laws in Kislev is basically, it's cool if you have family feuds. It's literally written into law that if like there's a family member that is injured unjustfully,

it is totally well within your right to take revenge for it. And if you do, you won't be punished. but it has to be justified. If it's some reasonable thing like, oh, yeah, they got into like an honor duel or something, you can't do that. Also, if the little revenge tour between families

gets too hard, the court has the power to be like, no, no, no, no, no, you guys got to stop this. This is getting out of hand. It's to the detriment of Kislev and everybody involved. Stop it. Also, there are obviously laws that basically say, you got to be super nice to the nobles, and specifically, you got to be extra.

extra respectful to the SAR or the Serena. And even though that sounds like, you know, kind of not great, actually the people end up really liking this law because the Caterin doesn't really enforce it that hard on the general public. Like if you're kind of just sitting in a tavern, you're drunk, you're chatting,

and you're just like, oh, Katarina's a shithead. she's not going to do anything to you, but if you're a noble and you're in a position of power and you're like, oh, Katerina's awful. Oh, I can't believe she'd do this. Oh, my God, what a fraud. She is probably going to take you into custody, which the people love because they're like, oh, she loves me and she hates the nobles. Let's go. Let's go. also really quick there is a law that makes it illegal for any adult male in Kislev to not have a weapon and maintain it and practice with it

but nobody really cares because hey listen of course it's Kislev you want to have a weapon you want to know how to use it chaos is always showing up I was about to say like like Shide took the words out of my mouth like Ah, yes, a populist totalitarian leader. Yes, extremely not on the nose.

I'm starting to understand. At first I was like, what the hell are they doing with it? And now I'm starting to get it. Now I'm starting to get the point. Because every time you're like, God, like, hey, Bricky, here's this law that like absolutely sucks. But everyone voted for it and likes it. And I'm like, everyone loves it.

Yeah, dude. And I'm starting to get the joke. I was also reading that Katerin's secret police really hate that everybody needs to have a weapon law because the secret police are like, look, I get it. But like if all the people realize that they have weapons and they know how to use them, we can't stop them. So maybe we should turn this around. But she's like, nah. And yeah, it's just, it's for, it's for the northerners. Also, this law does not apply to women.

they can still own and maintain a weapon, just the law doesn't specifically make it like, oh, hey, this is like a thing you have to have. Also, as the bear is the very symbol of Kislev, it is very, very, very illegal to hunt and kill a bear for any reasons.

And if you are found guilty of this, you are probably getting the sentence of death. Damn, all right. Yep. And I can't talk about every little detail about Kislev. So let's talk about their influence. and tree. Let's talk about like some of their their beefy units, how they go to war, stuff like that.

A lot of times with Kislev, with the Angles in the North, they like to be really quick, fast. They do a lot of hit and run maneuvers because again, their numbers have been whittled down like crazy. So like the Angles in the North have these horse archers that are just ridiculously fast. They will surround you, pelt you with arrows, and then be gone like that. and they'll just keep doing that over and over again until they whittle you down into just nothing. The other, like, super, super famous Kislev force that makes up a good chunk of their force

are called the winged lancers. These are the very core and backbone of the Kislev forces. And you saw the depiction of them earlier. They got like those big sort of feathered wings. that are affixed to their back as they ride and they're fast and when these lancers are full speed when they go full speed

these wings make this very like distinctive howl and this howl that they make is like nails on a chalkboard to chaos the wings are also like this huge part of the ritual of becoming a winged lancer

so every initiate that wants to become a winged lancer they are given five days a bow only five arrows and a knife. You now need to go into the Kislev wilderness and hunt and slay an eagle, which is a sacred animal among Kislev. And then once you get that eagle,

once you slay that eagle, the feathers are then used to adorn that big, winged, what would you call that? Just the wings on your back. Yeah, the, I don't know, what even is that, actually? Yeah, would you call that a banner?

Would you call it, I've just been calling it an adornment. Adornment is pretty good. I go with adornment, yeah. Yeah. Though, according to what I've read, there are families that are like, I don't think our son is a good enough hunter to do this. So they literally hire a hunter to escort their child into the wilds and do literally everything except take the final shot with the bow and arrow.

Even worse, some of the more pretentious asshole rich noble families, not only will they hire the hunter, they will get the hunter to literally do everything, even take the final shot and kill the eagle for the initiate so they can get into the winged lancers. I mean, all right, why not? I mean, to me, that's like, that's a little silly because, like, if your kid isn't good enough to get into the winged lancers,

and you get a hunter to do it for them, they're obviously not a good warrior. They're probably going to die anyway. Right. Like, like, yeah. How bad do you really want that status symbol? We're ending up into fodder, but all right. I think it's also pretty obvious

that the wing glancers use lances as their primary weapon, but if the enemy gets close enough, they will abandon their lances and just start going ham with a sword. There's also a very elite version of the winged lancers called the Griffin Legion. Again, they don't actually fly, they don't use griffins, but they do adorn themselves with Griffin feathers. These are like the crem delicate, the cream.

The cream of the winged lancers. They're super veterans. They have been at this for a while. And they put their duty to the serena, above all else. It should also be noted that like all winged Lancers and Griffin Legion are indeed

of Gospadar descent. And if you are even better than that, the only place higher you can go as a winged lancer is you can become a war bear rider. Which is exactly what the name sounds like. You get to ride a literal war bear,

an armored war bear into battle like Boris, which for anyone from Kislev must be like the highest honor ever because you are writing into battle on the literal symbol of your homeland of the motherland. Yeah, that makes, like the main, also can we can we just joke about how their main symbol is Erson? Erson the bear? Yeah, Erson, you know, Ersine.

Like, it's just, Mm-hmm. It's so close. It's just one letter. Literally one letter. It's so close, yeah. Bear writing does seem really cool. Oh, absolutely.

Like if I was in Kislev, I would love to write into battle on this big old bear. That'd be very cool. And of course, you do have a wee bit of magic in the Kislev Army. Like we've already touched on the devastation that an ice queen can display, forming blizzards, ice magic. There's also a group called the Ice Guard that weave ice into their magic while they're using a bow and a sword. also the the main infantry of Kislev are the Kossars

which are kind of just like I said base infantrymen but they are like immensely good with an axe and a bow apparently they have a hybrid fighting style using an axe and a bow which I don't really understand because I didn't see any

details about how they do it but it's like this really unique style that has been passed down through the ages I mean, axe and bow seems like, it seems, it seems pretty like understandable. You know, you get the bow and the melee weapon, you know, you kind of saw between. I, I, I, I, I guess when, when I heard tandem style, I thought they were using, like, the axe and the bow, like, simultaneously. Like, they held the axe in one hand, but they could, like, still use the bow.

I guess I just kind of misunderstood what I was reading. I thought they were riding a bike with two seats. What? I don't, I don't get it. Tandem bike. Oh, wow. You, son. of a bitch. That's my name.

You son of Dylan. Dylan. You son of a bit. Also, they seem to have a ton of feral beasts that can be summoned to fight by their side if a hag witch wills it. Like looking at the wiki page,

they have cave bats that they can summon. They can summon feral bears, feral ice bears, frost worms, giant spiders incarnate elements elemental beasts

snow lepers spider hatchlings a lot of really dope stuff also look at that frost worm holy yeah frost worm is pretty cool giant ice bears is really cool yeah those are so dope

so I would love love to have a hag witch that wants to fight at my side and is just summoning things things like willy-nilly. Or if you got like a bunch of them and you got like the big ice bear fighting with the big ice worm. Maybe that'll make the giant bag of skulls a little bit less problematic.

Everybody's like, you know, the bag of skulls is weird, but look at that giant ice dragon. They're okay. Look at that bear in comparison to the man beneath the bear. Like, you know what? Maybe they're all right. Maybe they're okay. Maybe I'll listen to you,

Granny. You didn't want me to camp out there. That's okay. Summon the ice bear. And I think that is where we are going to conclude with Kislev. I think there's probably a lot more I could have delved into, but seeing as how we are almost an hour and a half into the episode, I feel like, you know what, that's an okay place to stop. I feel like we've got the juice, the main juice of Kislev.

It's frozen. The juice is completely frozen. Unless Shai is like, hey, D.K., you miss this super important thing. talk about it. I think this is a good sort of stopping point where we've got you know, the thicket of Kislev. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, the Kislev is about

what was expected. Yeah, kind of. Sardom of Kislev. I expected it to have this level of obviousness to it all, but I don't know. Maybe I didn't expect it to be this on brand. Yeah, honestly, like I said, I think the thing that surprised me was like, it looked like they took the winged lancers right out of the history book. Like it is a, it is an almost one to one.

I feel like half of these things are right out of the history book. True. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's bears. The city of Prague, I was just like, damn, we're just doing it. Yeah, we're just out here doing it. The city of Prague, yep, we're just, we're just out here. You know, totally original IP, nothing taken from real life at all, right? No, no, of course not.

Though, I mean, honestly, though, if you're going to take anything from real life, the idea of something giant ice bears is like the coolest thing ever. Also, can I just point out that I love that image that shy posted of the ice bears because you have the ice bear and then the guy. and then you have rear view. But it's like, like, what would we expecting it to look like? That's exactly what I thought it would look like. I didn't need to know that that's the rear view of the ice bear.

Yeah, it's not like it's more icy. It's not like there's like something wrong with its hind legs. It's not like its hind legs form blades or something. It's just like, yep, that's a bear's butt all right. Well, it's also the fact that like the front doesn't say like front view. it's just it's just one and then rear view

hey man there's some artist out there that's like hey I wonder what it's like when that bear backed that thing up right so and then it backs the thing up and it's like oh yeah

that's about right that's a bear that's a bear's button yep he trampled the city because you know yep yep damn

damn I like that prolog in a total war of Warhammer three it was pretty good Erson Erson was there as well and then he is I think Erson was sold to chaos.

Ouch, they sold Erson to chaos? Kind of. The main Kislev guy was like getting corrupted by a chaos artifact and he was like trying to find Erson to help him out and then eventually when he gets there he's like, what's up, bitch? It's not Erson, it's me, Bellacore. Oh no, Bellacore, you bitch.

Yeah, and then like Erson's like, yeah, you're already too far gone, bitch, sorry. Fair, fair. Hell yeah. I'm pretty sure the entire plot of Toll War War Warhammer 3 is like selling the soul of Erson to to like various factions

Damn, that sounds like the most heretical Kislev thing you could ever do. Well, it's like this old man kind of guy and he basically goes around and he's like, hey, I am going to like get you the soul of Kislev or like, but like

because of Ercim and in exchange you will help me out with something. I forget what it was, but, like, I remember him walking into, like, Nurkel's Garden and being like, hey, Kugath. Um, what's up, bro? I will give you the soul of Erson, if you help it with something. And then you play as Nurgle. Oh, okay. You know what sucks?

Like, me being, like, the fantasy host, I, I wish I could get into Total War Warhammer, but it's just not my game. It's not my game, too. Yeah, I played. Yeah, it's like this, it's like that world conquest RTS. And I was like, oh, man, it is like the two genres. I dislike the most, or I'm just not great at and don't find enjoyment with. And it's like, oh, like this is the game I need to be playing.

See, I did it for like a, like a sponsor video way back when. And I found it, I found it to make fun at the start. But then a lot of like the 4X stuff was lost on me. And I was just more excited to play like the RTS part. Because I enjoy that part. I was kind of the same way. Yeah, like the, the start feels good. But then like once the 4X stuff kicks in, it's like, oh, man, I just want a story battle.

please please just give me like a cinematic or something i just my brain is too smooth it's weird because i like both like i like four x games and i love rtsk game but the blend is what threw me that that was what hurt me because like i love endless space to death i think it's like my favorite four x games ever i love it uh but it's it's just a little bit like like i love starcraft i love command and conquer but it was just a little too much for me yeah so i don't know i've never been big on four x or rts and i was like oh no i was i tried i really did It's just, it's just not my game. How many more factions do we have left?

Is Britonia one of them we haven't done yet? Yeah, we haven't done a specific Britonia episode. That is true. Okay. I wonder how many, that's true. I don't know specifically how many we have. It's got to be like Britonia and then maybe, actually maybe the, the chaos worshiping human clans.

Ooh, I want to learn about the vampire courts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, the vampire courts, chaos dwarves, Norska, which we brought up several times as being a big problem for a lot of people everywhere. Is Norse, don't, is Norse, please don't tell me it's like Vikings. Okay. Norse. Norseka, no, are you hating me? It's chaos Vikings, too. Oh, my God. Oh, right, right, it is Chaos Vikings, I remember now.

It's chaos, like, oh, my God. this is this is worse than 40k this is more shameless than 40k that's the thing 40k was like you know what we were a little shameless in fantasy weren't we let's really tone it down and 40k looks toned down by comparison okay that being said though a giant eight-point star of chaos viking ship is like that's so gas if oh my god dk wait i'm sorry dk you just died right there did try did you hear him at all Oh, did I? Because my recording is fine, so, you know.

Oh, goodness. You just exploded on my end. Oh, oh, sorry. I think Discord had a poop. My recording is going just fine. So, hey, at least there's that, I guess. Hell you. Well, good episode.

Good, and I got to be honest, I was, you know, we barely sunk in the time frame. I could say that it was quite bearable. And it was a cool episode. So I'm probably going to chill out soon. And I'm going to leave by. I hate you.