Adeptus Ridiculous - THE IMPERIAL INFANTRYMAN'S UPLIFTING PRIMER: Knowing Is Half The Battle! | Warhammer 40k Lore

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

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Welcome everyone to another episode of The Adeptus Ridiculous podcast. My name is D.K. Diamante's. My co-host is Bricky. He's going to be hitting us with those ridiculous Warhammer 40K facts in just a second. But before he does, if you enjoy today's episode of The Adeptus Ridiculous, consider supporting us on Patreon. Patreon.com slash Adeptus Ridiculous, where you can get access to blupers if they happen,

HD posters at the $15 tier. This time, it's Lord of Change. But if she was a sexy white, We also have a Patreon goal at 17,000, where we will be doing an episode on the Dornian heresy, that kooky crazy fan theory where Dorn goes nuts. And also, I believe we said we're going to do a Blood Angels at 17K. So I know all you Blood Angels fans want that. I want it too.

So patreon.com slash Adeptus Ridiculous. Bricky, tell them about all the... Just talk. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Just talk. Yeah, is that... It's like you exhaust all your energy in the intro one.

Just words, man. Too many words. Too many words. I'm dumb, just words. But yes, we're holding Blood Angels for ransom. You want that Blood Angels have a soul. We're putting it down. Anywho, the Orchidate.com for merch down in the description.

We have all of our great little guys collection. There's a ton of shirts and hoodies as well as. is a little guy art print that you may purchase now. And also, we still have some of the Lord of Change, Lady of Change, shit you guys make that are also for sale. We sell 100 of them each month. Whenever there's a new poster, snag them if you got them, because once they're gone, they are gone.

And last but not least, our book club is on Betrayer, involving Karn. Karn. And Nangron and Lorgar. And they are jeltal, etc. Yep. Lots of, lots of stuff is considered one of the best or as heresy books.

So read it or die. Damn. Imagine if we thought that, like, the betrayer was mid. The community would be so mad at us for... From what I've read so far, it is certainly not mid. No, yeah, so far, not mid at all.

It is, uh, it's, it's, yeah, it's, it's pretty good. It's pretty good so far. I'm, I'm like it. Yeah. No spoilers. We'll do an episode. No spoilers. We'll get there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. D.K. Yeah. Are you ready to be embarrassed? Always. Naturally. Yep. It seems that some things haven't changed since high school.

That's just been my default mode for the last, uh, however long I've been alive. Do you think you ever get numb to it? So, so. You just learn to accept it, you know. You're not really numb. It's just I've accepted it, you know. Is it learning to accept it kind of getting numb to it? Well, I guess.

But there's a difference between acceptance and not feeling it. I... Okay, your quote. An orc can seem an alarming prospect when first encountered. They stand taller than a man with hunched broad shoulders and long arms. They may seem to be heavily muscle, but the fact is, their muscle tissue is not as dense as a human. In actuality, they are considerably. weaker than the average man

despite what their appearance suggests. Oh, is this that fucking guard book? It's full of all the wrong information about like how orcs aren't strong and oh, tyrannids, yeah, just bop them on the head. They're no big deal. It's that stupid guard book. Yeah, you did it.

Yay! Let's go. Let's go. Yes. Shai had a great idea. There is a little book written by quite a few, quite a few people actually, with a few little tidbits around here and designed and all that by the 40K authors and writers and is called the Imperial Infantry Men's Uplifting Primer. It's not a lot of tidbit, it's just a little. I would have to imagine that they're probably silly.

No, fuck you, Shai. Don't you got this out? So the Imperial Infantryman's uplifting primer. Damocles Gulf edition, for example, was actually, is out of print, but they did sell it, actually. They did physically sell this book. I, Shai sent me a link to it on Amazon where it says, buy used, $563.

Oh! As I am assuming it's because it's out of print and therefore rare and, you know, therefore all that kind of stuff. But this follows a trend that I imagine is in many real-life military books, where it is extremely overly strict, also very, very heavy on random details or minute details. And it has the usual, one guy screwed this up. So now you all need to read about how not to screw this up kind of thing, even though it's common sense.

Yeah. propaganda and some pretty good humor and illustrations. And you've got the Imperial Infantry Men's Uplifting Primer. Hey. There is a lot of great stuff. There's a whole lot of actual, like, really impressive parts that make it, make it up as in, make it feel really realistic. They have an additional four word by Lord General Militon Huxlauans.

This classic, like, wherever you are sent, be assured that the Emperor's Holy Work will be waiting for you. You will see things that few will be asked to bear her to witness and you have to face your worst fears, but face them you must. That kind of stuff. Naturally, the final signature there is, the immortal emperor watches over you. He will judge you with

unflinching eyes. Yeah, got to put the fear of God in him. Got to put the fear of the God emperor in them. Oh, there's a lot of fear of God in this book. Yeah, I would assume so, since it is the Imperium. There's a good six pages dedicated just to punishment.

Yes. But, you know, as you start it off, you have the usual, like, soldiers particulars, name, rank, serial number, sex, height, weight, all that kind of stuff. And it's to be filled out by the attached commissar on the day of inauguration. There's also little things here like platoon commanders' comments, commissar's comments, confessors' comments, if they have anything they want to say regarding the book.

There's also a death notice next to it as well. of course because you know I bet they have filled that one out quite often yep there's a classic cause of death next of kin details proposed route to send them back signatures etc it's pretty it's pretty in depth

they actually this looks like it was written by someone who genuinely gets this kind of thing the military handbook yeah at least I'd say so there's some great art in it too there's a great one that says it's like morta of a day which like

God Emperor over all these like tanks and guardsmen and skulls and shit. It's pretty great. Damn, this would be a cool little book to just have. Like, as a 40K fan, that'd be such a cool book to just have, like, sitting on your shelf and just flip through it, like with all, like, the art and everything in it. Like, it's, it's pretty dope. It really is. And Shai has here says, cover to cover, the only thing apart from its very existence in your hands,

marking it out as not an actual imperial object as the Black Library published in a copyright information. For instance, on the second page, just underneath the imperial copyright and publishing information. That's really cool that they went to that much detail that it actually feels like an imperial object. Like, it's, it feels like it's straight out of 40K. That's cool. Yeah, like, it really is. Above, it says author and illustrations and thanks, Dan Abnett, Graham McNeil, all these, like, GW authors. But above that, it says things like the The Imperial infantryman's uplifting priory has been written, prepared, and produced by order of the Lord General Militon of our Emperor's glorious Imperial Guard in conjunction with the Departon of Monitorum, Department of Maestratum, and Governor Cardunish of Ultima Sigmundum.

The benedictions of the Emperor, inspiration, source and ups of creeds for all infantrymen have been written, prepared and produced by the Most Holy Order of the Minutorum, incomplete, and direct accordance with the most right and precious imperial creed. L.M.X edition, D.C.D. C.I. Impression. printed by the Emperor's own press on Ultima Libris. This revised edition, first published 945M41. Let's go. It's pretty on points. Hell yeah, dude. It's a shame this is out of print because I would legit buy one of these up

immediately just to have it because it looks like a cool little looks like a cool little 40K object. It's actually great and quite hilarious. The table of contents has six chapters. There is principles and regulations, issued arms, attire, apparatus,

and equipment. Imperial Guard, Organized. structure and basic battlefield policy, guard armor, tank recognition, affiliated enemy variants, chapter five, the best chapter, know your foe, and then six is elementary battlefield medical instruction. And then at the end, there's a whole bunch of benedictions for the emperor, prayers, litanies, and inspirational sources and speeches. Ah, so it's a prayer book, too. Well, I guess if you're in the Imperium, of course, your little guard handbook should have prayers for the emperor and ways to appear.

him. That makes sense. Absolutely. And humorously enough, section one is general introduction of chapter one, and section two is rules and regulations. And it goes for one, two, three, four full pages of punishments for various crimes. Ooh, four pages

of punishments, huh? Although for the Imperium, that's not bad. If it's only four pages of punishments? Well, like, okay, disrespect towards an officer. Any soldier, who behaves himself with disrespect in word or action to an officer or anyone of higher rank will be shot.

Okay, that makes sense. That seems very 40K, very Imperium. Sure, sure, sure, sure. Failure to salute an officer. Any soldier who fails to salute a passing officer or anyone of higher rank shall be flogged. Ouch, jeez, for not saluting. Holy shit.

Failure to salute the image of the emperor slash imperial aquila slash regimental colors will have their left cheek branded and court-martialed. Wow. I don't know. Salute the Equila.

A part of me was like, man, if you forget to like salute the Aquila or the emperor, I could see the Imperium being just like, yeah, you're dead. Fuck you. Because it's the Imperium. Disobeying an order has you shot. There will be other things like wasting ammunition,

whose cells or willfully or through neglect waste any ammunition will be sent to a penal battalion. So this thing's like that But then you get some of the interesting ones The really interesting ones Which is Like sleeping on century duty Any sentinel was found sleeping upon his post

Or who leaves it before being relieved Shall suffer death in such a manner As deemed appropriate by the commissar Whoa So if you fall asleep at your post That's just a death sentence Basically Oh my god

Stop, guardsman, sleeping on guard duty. You are so close to. The shift change is only five minutes away. That's number two. What do you have to say for yourself? Don't even open your mouth. That's number three. Failure to salute an officer.

Again, you want to talk over me. Let's call that. Four and five. Disrespect toward an officer and disobeying an order. Yes, that sounds lovely. If it were just for the first one, there was a slim chance for forgiveness. But five, oh no, no, no, no, no. The emperor will never accept such disrespect. What was the first one? Why? Waste the ammunition, of course. One of your fellows saw you discharge your lace gun once, to test it. Not only are you wasting energy, but I must question your faith, testing your arms, having you no faith in tools provided by the emperor. All of these violated regulations.

Did you even read your infantryman's primer, guardsman? You never received a primer. Well, that won't do. I'll have to go through your files after redundancy failed to issue it to you. Nevertheless, Ignorance is an innocence guardsman. The Emperor's justice is the Emperor's mercy. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program. Or, like, disrespectful speech against the Emperor, any soldiers uttering a contemptuous or disrespectful words against the immortal Emperor will be flogged, then shot.

Flogged, then shot. You would think that the punishment for disrespecting the Emperor would be a lot harsher than just flogging. and then getting killed. Like, you would think that they would, like, I don't know, imprison you, forced labor, imprisonment, death,

you know, you'd think it'd be a little harsher than that, because that's Big E. That's the icon, right? Disrespectful speech, I guess, could also maybe be worrisome in the sense of, like, taking his name in vain,

possibly. Oh, yeah. Because there is one for heresy. Don't you worry. Yeah, I bet. But the four I enjoyed the most were inflicting self-harm. Any soldier who inflicts injury upon himself to be excused from activity shall be flogged, flayed, then shot. Oh, damn.

So that's if someone's like, man, I really don't want to serve. Whoops, cut off my arm, can't serve, guys. Then they just get flogged, flayed, and shot. It's more like you shoot your foot, you break an ankle. I imagine the commissar is thinking to himself, you like pain so much, huh? Well, good news, friend. It's about to be a good time for you.

Damn. Flogged, flayed bench. Damn, that sucks. There's one that's really rough, which is corresponding with or relieving the enemy. Any soldier who relieves the enemy with supplies or food or harbors or protects an enemy agent shall suffer death by starvation.

Ooh. Which I would almost argue is worse. Yeah, because then it's just long and drawn out. Like, if you have to, like, you'd probably rather just take a bullet to the brain instead of just having this long, drawn out, suffering, starvation until you just slowly wither away. Yeah, damn. Although the punishment should be pretty harsh, because obviously they don't want you helping the enemy in any way, shape, or form. Because why would you?

They're the enemy. It's got to be a rough one. Yeah. There is worshiping false idols Oh boy Any soldier found worshiping anything other than the emperor Or a saint of the imperial cult Will be mind scrubbed and sent for use

In the workshops of the Adeptus Mechanicus as a servitor Yeah that sounds about right for the Imperium Yep, it's about right for worshipping false idols You're gonna become a servitor Yep mine scrubbed and then enslaved as a servitor Yep that sounds about right I love these images is, no, the disheavaled Tao sympathizer.

Despise him. Yes, the disheveled Tao sympathizer. Despise him. Despise him. There's a whole lot of images like this in here. There's one where it's like, it's a mutant, and the dude's got two faces, and he's all fucked up looking. And I just love the caption of me.

This is the face of the mutant. Hate it. It's so propaganda. and that's, like, that's the Imperium. Of course they're propaganda. They're like a religious war state. Of course it's going to be like super propaganda sounding and like just war postery and, it's great.

I want a copy. I want the physical copy now. They would make a lot of money if they reprinted this. Oh, God, yeah. Come on, GW, we know you like money. We know you like the money. Come on, let's do it. Sometimes it's not about the money, Spider-Man.

But this time, it's all about the money. It's definitely about the money. Yeah, definitely about the money. Lastly, for this one, I have heresy. Any soldier who speaks ill of the emperor, the Imperium, cites his loyalty to any entity besides the emperor to faces holy artifacts or buildings, incites heretical thoughts or actions,

talks openly about forbidden subjects, and generally behaves as a manner respectful to all that is holy and good, will have his extremities removed and left to bleed to death for the emperor's pleasure. Oh. Specifically, we'll have his extremities. Extremities removed and left to bleed to death, comma, for the emperor's pleasure.

For the emperor's pleasure. The body will then be burned to ensure no taint remains. Yikes. I mean, I would almost say that the starvation one would probably still be worse. Don't get me wrong. Losing all your extremities and then bleeding to death. Very bad, very painful. Probably still a quicker option than starvation.

starvation, like, that's, that's gonna take a while. Bleeding to death is gonna take. After having all of your extremities removed, how long would it take you to bleed to death? Probably not that long. Like, you'd suffer. A matter of hours, or minutes. Hours or minutes, but, you know.

You would definitely suffer, but I don't know if you'd suffer as much as the starvation one. Yeah, I'd probably just be minutes, honestly. And it would suck ass, but, you know, you would. Starvation would be like, what, days? actually if you still are given water it'd be weeks oh there's the rule the big three

it's three minutes without air three days without water three weeks without food ah okay which it's isn't fully accurate but you know it's like a good guideline general yeah yeah there's also finally is harboring psychers and or witches which uh will have you whipped have your eyes put out and then hung until dead

And then addendum. The emperor will have his revenge on the unclean denizens of the warp. Damn. Having your eyes put out and then hanged. Jeez. There's a little addendum at the end here.

It says, Battlefield justice is a separate issue from the normal imperial policy. All officers and commissars are sanctioned to meet out battlefield justice as they see fit at any time and without restriction. In bold, be warned.

Whatever is, it is you decide to do, you will not escape notice. Damn. Because you know. My brother's always watching you. Yeah. Oof. So there's also a couple of things in this first section, like a training regime.

It's like the prevalent purpose of a training regime are to promote loyalty, to instill unwavering respect to bestow a clear understanding of your position in chain of command. And then you have like some of the more standard military things. Like when you are on guard duty, the Cardinal rule. rules are stay awake, stay alert. Keep in mind the importance of the duty. Think of the consequences of failure. Remember the commissars. Remember commissars. They will kill you. You should obtain the following information before taking your post. Direction and probable route of approach of enemy. Sector required to watch. Number and location of your own

outgar. Instructions concerning challenge. Whether patrols or other friendly troops are operating on your front. Like, there's still like actual advice here, you know. Yeah, sure. I wonder how often someone on guard duty or someone in the guard has actually fallen asleep on duty. Because there's punishment for falling asleep at your pose. They specifically say, oh, hey, stay awake. Though I don't know if that's just because, like, oh, yeah, this guard has been on guard watch for the last three days. And he is sleep deprived.

And don't sleep, buddy. You'll die. You know, this is an interesting or another joke that's often referred to with the Guard. Often there's books like these given out to the actual military and a lot of them don't take them seriously because they're so overly strict and crap. There was a thing where it's like when you join the Imperial Guard you get four things. A standard issue, a standard issue M2 or whatever patterned lasgun, a suit of flak armor. a copy of the Imperialman uplifting primer

and a wheelbarrow for your 20 ton balls and the primer is often used as makeshift toilet paper I do I was at some point I was gonna ask

if this is the book that people said yeah this book is about as useful as like toilet paper and it's just like a way to stop the bleeding if you need something to like cover your wound with

or yeah yeah because at the end of the day a battlefield is a battlefield. If someone falls asleep on guard duty, there might be an overzealous commissar that shoots his fucking ass. But there's also a lot of people who are like, hey, fuck, wake up. Yeah. Like I don't have, you know, we don't have the men to kill you. So, you know, we'll put this on to the side for now because like, hey, maybe they'll whip you or maybe they'll send you to the prison for a little bit. But, you know, there's a certain level of, yeah. Yeah. And often if

you're over, as we've seen with commissars, if you're a little too quick to cause problems with your men, your men don't take kindly to it. Yeah, and then they revolt and kill you. As we've seen with Katachin, who the commissars often go missing.

I guess if you're a commissar for the catachin, it's like, uh, you fell asleep on guard duty, huh? It's okay, it happens to the best of us. We all get a little fatigued. Just going to go ahead and let that go. No problems here. No problems here. Please don't feed me to the indigenous wildlife.

Yeah, as the seven-foot-tall Australian muscle-bound dudes are staring down at you. Which is why good commissars don't throw their men's lives away willy-nilly like gaunt or cane. Mm-hmm. Yep, yep, yep. They respect their men. They try to understand them, yeah. The thing is, though, is at the end of the day, these are all crimes that do have punishments. So, you know, be careful. Section 2 is arms, equipment, and accouchments.

This is actually a pretty good one. You are given a lot of fucking stuff. Wow. You cannot carry this, I think, on your own. Wow, there is so much you are given here. So your list of attire is your classic combat fatigue, shirt, socks times four, undergarments, great coat, rain overalls, combat boots, full-body flack armor.

rugsack, helmets, bandolier, etc. For your weapons, you have a short pattern MG standard Lasgum for spare power packs, long pattern bayonet slash combat knife with a sheath, auto pistol with five spare clips and a holster, four fragonades, range finder, and then a Lasgun maintenance kit, which I got to be honest, it's kind of funny. Lasgun maintenance kit consisting of blessed site caliber, sanction cleaning agent

oiling agent bottle of sacred unguim of cleansing bottle of sacred oil of lubrication tin of blessed sealing wax and blessed soft cloth for swabbing because of course Alaska has a machine spirit

Of course And you gotta bless it You gotta make sure the machine spirit is happy You gotta make sure the emperor is happy You know I mean Way it makes sense Way at the bottom Way at the bottom, there are, it says common prayers for the soldier, because it's a prayer book.

And there is one, which is the litany of the Lasgun, to be recited before firing your weapon. Bringer of death, speak your name, for you are my life and the foes death. Oh, yeah, I'm sure they say that every time they pull the trigger, right? Oh, totally. Oh, definitely. Absolutely. Also, is it bad that when you said there was blessed lubricant, I was like, I wonder if, like, Like, if citizens of the Imperium, before they just get a little nasty, do they need to use blessed lubricant too?

No, dude. They have the litany of lubrication. The Litany. There. Blessed Emperor. Blessed Emperor, guide my penis. Hey, you know, there's a reason they have the litany of protection to be recited and repeated in times of peril. Mighty Emperor.

spread your divine light to protect me from the darkness. Wow. Yeah. You think some weird 40K fans would actually recite that before, well, that's suggesting 40K fans get any, but, damn, that was... Hey, listen, man. That was kind of savage.

Holy shit. Listen, man, right? You hit in the plow. You know, things are going good. By then, you've got to roll out the litany of unloading. Machine Spirit, forgive my actions. Soon you shall be whole again. And then, you know, after you nut, you get your post nut clarity, so you have to pray the prayer of relief from torment.

Although my body is broken, although my blood pours away, although my time may end, the immortal emperor will greet me and embrace me with his holy aura. If only I remain constant to him through this time of torment. Shaz says you two need the litany of getting some bitches, yeah. Only two bitchless, maidenless degenerates would find humor in such comedy? Listen, dude, you know, you can't, you know, you don't, having kids, it's a problem in purity. You know, you shoot it all over, all over their back, and then you got to recite that litany of cleanliness. Let my hand wipe the grime from your perfect form. May your purity, may you purify with your bolts of light.

Damn. And then you don't call her back. And then you don't call her back, so you have to use the oath of vengeance. Damn. I will destroy all of those who seek to destroy me. Why does it feel like all of this came to you very quickly? Have you been, have you been practicing this? Is this something you've thought about before?

Oh, God fucking damn it. I didn't even notice the litany of penetration. It's actually... Oh, of Holy Emperor, hear my prayer. Guide this missile, hold it true. Let it part their steel and weak armor and crack their cowardly skin and smite the foe from your sight. Oh, it's too perfect. Oh, I hate it.

Guide this missile, hold it true. Guide that missile, baby. And crack their cowardly skin. Fucking hell. Babe, what's wrong? You haven't recited your litany of penetration yet. Oh, I figure right, I was just going with the litany of true striking. Oh my god, this is... Blessing of the bomb.

Ooh, all right. We're so lame, oh my god. All right. So, anywho. Arms and equipment, right. Yes, yes, arms and equipment, yes, it is. So there's also things like, listen, tools, like a, like a shovel, a hand axe, lamp pack, etc.

There's a big old list of medical supplies, but it's also a ton of a ton of things that are just really heavy, like four sandbags, a whole mess kit, canteen, collapsible water bag, blanket, sleep bag, you know, like, you got quite a bit of stuff. You're carrying around with you. Do you have four sandbags, really? You have four sandbags, yeah.

Is that just for setting up, like, uh, barricades or something? Just like, uh, I'm assuming, yeah. Damn, that sucks. You get a gas respirator with filter. They also have all the various parts, the Las Gun, how to, you know, do the various types of unloading and loading, how to use an

auto pistol, how to strip, how to assemble. The gas mask has a little instructional guide and the various parts of it, how it can be off-centered, that kind of thing. There's flack armor, the helmets, various types of Las Guns. All that kind of stuff,

You know, it's pretty classic arms and equipment. That doesn't seem too crazy. I mean, it seems like a lot of stuff, but it's nothing that's like, oh my God, the Imperium is so sick. It's just, yeah, that seems pretty standard. Yeah. And then there's also in the page 31, there's a bunch of military rankings. It goes from trooper, corporal, sergeant, captain, major, lieutenant colonel, major general,

lieutenant general, marshal general, lord general, and then war master. Which I thought there was actually a guy who just was the war master. decided to change his name to High Solar. I think it's High Solar Mercarius, because he didn't want to take the name of the Arch Trader Horace. Ah, that makes sense. Not wanting to be the Warmaster because the last Warmaster was Horace,

and obviously you don't want to be associated with the biggest heretic in history, so yeah. Anywho, there's also the other various ranks and specialists. You have the Commissar, priests, they talk about tech priests as well. There's a great little part here where it says sanctioned psychers and it is very obviously a photocopied piece of paper

taped over something that says kill all the fucking psychers because right at the bottom it says something something no pity exterminate without remorse Oh yeah, should I just post the picture of it? Yeah it's very obviously

been over photocopied but exterminate without remorse sanctions psychers are definitely it says like do not attempt to communicate if you see with them they're under constant guard by at least three armed troopers however if you if everyone's best interest to watch these men they begin to behave strangely outside of their normal strange habits or you see them without a full guard compliment is your duty to shoot them down as likely they have succumbed the dark powers wow all right yeah that's that's very imperium yep uh ogrens are after that of course ratlings or after that, you know, the various types. I just love that there's that shit just taped over it, and you can just barely make out exterminate without remorse. It's such a, it's such like a Starship Proopers feeling type of thing.

Oh yeah, I love that. That's, that's dope. Next thing I want is the next section is our company structure, heavy weapon squads, like map reading and compass using. Then after that, it's like security of the column, how you advance, main body, rear guard, flank guard, march direction. Scouting, movement, use of cover, connecting file, anti-aircraft security protection, anti-tank security and protection.

There's a whole good about pages that are just genuine, like, I mean, it's propaganda, but... But it's just like basic strategy and stuff like that. Yeah, basic strategy of things. My favorite one, though, and I don't know how to try this picture, is on page 46, which is, bayoneting an oncoming foe. And it's

it's this fucking orc and this orc is like up to the guardsman's waist and he looks so dumb. He's just getting shamed. He's just getting stabbed. That is indeed the dumbest

looking orc, and very clearly propaganda because that is not what the orcs look like. It's like when bayonetting an oncoming foe thrust firmly into the throat or chest to ensure the foe is dead repeat the procedure several times I love how derby that fucking picture is Man if I was in the garden I was genuinely reading this book thinking that like there's no way the Imperium could ever lie to me I'd go into combat pretty confident like oh we're just gonna be fighting a bunch of stubby little orc dudes

and all I got to do is stab them in the throat or the chest I just going to be fun I got this I'm hell yeah Glory to the Emperor Which is exactly why this book is used a toilet paper Because that dopey ass fucking new New recruit Well then talk to a veteran who's actually fought orcs and be like

Brother Don't listen to the book Brother don't look at the fucking book I saw this dude rip five of my men in half And then eat them yeah And then eat them and then eat them And then half of his face was blown off by my Lasga and he kept running at me

Yeah, one of my buddies was eaten by the hair squig, man The hair squig His hair ain't my buddy, man, don't listen to the book The orc ripped up ten of my men And then his hair jumped off and killed another Yeah, exactly Those fucking squigs He's got hard PTSD

As I would expect from a fight with the warp Oh yeah, if you came back from a fight with the orcs And you survived, oh man, the PTSD has got to be just out of this fucking world. Or you're so zealous that it's like, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, the emperor saved me. I've got to go back into combat to repay his gratitude and his faith in me.

Mm-hmm. There's like warp transit. I think you've got to be careful when you're on a ship. Mm-hmm. There is sanitation, survival techniques. There's also this weird part on page 54 that says, right under How to Remove a Leach

It says Keep this space clear Do not deface On pain of death It's just Just a empty fucking box It's just a blank You know it's like this page

Is left intentionally blank It's like that But it says do not deface On pain of death Wow If you deface that little box They're gonna kill you Apparently

I don't know I bet it's just a joke On the This page is left intentionally blank joke But like On pain of death Yeah Jesus Christ

It's a little bit It's hardcore but all right So there's also Oh where is this Ah here it is page 52 The most important thing to note Sanitation in the field Part oh boy

Oh no no no don't you worry It says part A Do not drink from any stream Unless it's been boiled Part B Be sure your best kip is washed in hot So it'll be water

Part C, wash whenever possible Part D, try to remain as dry as possible. Part E, take good care of your feet. Take good care of your feet. If you can't march, you may be left behind. That's, that is, that is, okay, that's, that's very, uh, that's, that's very imperium, that's very strict, uh, military, sure, yeah, if, you're just going to get left behind. They fucked up.

By not saying citation by Goj van die. I see. I see. That's the reason. That's for all the Jury Hahn fans, huh? Hey, hey, Jerry Han, I'm all right with that one. I'm a, I'm a cami player myself, but you know. I see.

You're a man of culture. You're a cami player. All right, all right, all right. You've got some meta and some good tools while also being a hot-ass wifu that wears a singlet. As you see, here's a thing. I don't know anything about how good Kami is. I picked Kami for the reasons you know why.

I do. Kami's always been pretty good. Kami's always been pretty high on the tier list. I never really know. I always thought the super horny people just ran into R.K. Mika, or whatever her name was. Armika hasn't been relevant for a little while, actually. There's only, like, one Japanese player that's, like, really good with Armeca, but I don't know what he's up to anymore. His name is Fudo.

Futo. Damn. That's, yeah, the high-brow comedy, dude. Take good care of your feet as part of the adept of sorority of lifting primer, you know, so. Oh, yeah, definitely. That's like every other page is, have you washed your feet lately? Have you, have you, have you, have you, have you cleans your toes? I shall help you.

And then they record it and they put it on only, on only sisters. Only sisters. It's just, it's just feet picks all the way down, yeah. All right, next one. What's the next shit? So after this is a whole lot of arm. mainly just different kinds of armor columns, sentinels, lemurus tanks, basilisks, etc., etc., all that kind of stuff. There's also a vehicle recognition for orc patterns and Eldar patterns as well.

Just in case there's a, like, if you won't need to know what they look like. So they talk about like the war bike or a truck, which is to carry troops. And the Eldar patterns are known for their anti-grab vehicles. They're unknowable and heretical technology must be destroyed where it's discovered. as is a grave insult to the divine machine god that inhabits all the metal hearts of Imperial War machines. Yeah, that's fair. I thought you were saying that they actually had, like,

Eldar writing in the book, and it's like, oh, if you see these symbols on someone's, I don't know, tank, it means that it's a blah, blah, blah, tank, and you should be aware, because it spits fire, and you don't want to be lit on fire or something. I mean, for, oh, no, nothing like that for enemies. For your own, yes, because they have talked about the Hellhound Flame Tank, and you've got to be careful not to get stuck in that.

Yeah. But like the War Walker here is an Eldar like Walker. And it says, plays a similar role in the battlefield to the lighter and faster, Imperial Sentinel. The War Walker is far fucking faster. Do not be disheartened by their size. They are inferior in design and piloted by a weak-spirited alien protected by a evil energy shield. Ignore their attempts to target and shoot you. Their puny weapons cannot harm a well-defended position.

Oh, boy. They can harm a well-defendant position. Oh, boy, that is some serious propaganda, man. Jeez. Now. Now. I got to blow my nose. I'll be right back.

Jesus Christ. Can you believe this? So unprofessional. Wait a minute. You're keeping him blowing his nose in the episode, but you were threatening to take out the just a little guy bit that... I don't know. She said she's keeping in this bit when you had to go blow your nose,

but she's taking out the little guy's bit from earlier. and I'm just like, man, what happened? Fuck you. All right. Now we come to the best variant, the best section. Know your foe. With all the misinformation. Let's go.

So there are three particular races here. Orcs, Nids, and the Eldar, as well as the demons of the warp. So as far as it comes, there's nothing in here to refer to in the Tao. There's no Tao, strangely enough. and there is also no Cron's so that it should be noted when it comes to the foe that they're fighting

because I at least not in the Know Your Foe section of it though Oh it says there's a damn Oh Shai says it's a Damocles Gulf edition and that's about Tao

Right because that's when they first fight the Tao right is the Damocles Gulf That makes sense Yeah that makes a lot of sense This one has Orcs Eldar and Nids though And then still no Cron's Because Crohn's are you know not really around much

So under orcs They are obviously We've read that quote in the beginning There's a pretty Pretty hilarious things Of all the pestil and alien races That infested our galaxy The orcs are the most numerous

They mass together in great war bands And by sheer weight of numbers They overwhelm those who stand before them Cowards But a man armed with a lasgun and knowledge Of their physiology has nothing to fear From these abominations They know the orcs are slow-witted

And cause no problems For properly trained infantrymen Yeah, no. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, you're going to get killed. Yep, it says, this is not the, it says here that orcs are cowards, a type of they often employes to send forward ways of their smaller brother and ahead of the main advantage to soak up fire. Make protigious use of flame weapons as the bright light and heat terrifies these

orc runs, which actually might be true for the Greshions. That might be true for the Gretchen's, but it's not going to, not the bigger ones, Not the big boys. Nope. When confronting orcs in combat, remember their weaknesses and consider the facts. They are but animals,

and they have no place in our galaxy where they pray only on the weak and helpless. After they've seen you with a loaded lasgun and a smile on your face, you can shoot them in the back as they run away. Oh, boy, that's such a bad advice. Oh my God, that's such bad advice. Holy shit.

If an orc saw a human that looked like it was itching for a fight, that would make the orc more aggressive. Mm-hmm. The war boss is always the biggest and toughest orc in the band. Because of its size, it'll present an easier target. A shot to the face will drop the alien scum like a sack of sand. It's such bad.

There are some things. There are some things that are correct. Like, their weapons are often crude and prone to misfires and jamming. And I'm like, okay. Yeah, sure, that's fine. Yeah. But I love this. Orcs are capable of building makeshift vehicles.

But be aware. Variations are widespread and no standard pattern exists. The only consistency is the instability of all their transports. Further, proof of the aliens instability. I mean, they are unstable. They're not stable, but I mean, there are patterns. So, I mean, come on. True.

Next to the tyrannids. What do you do when a parasite bites your flesh and sucks your blood? You swat it dead. That is what the Imperium is mobilizing to do in the tyrannid invasions. Just swat. them easy, easy peasy, no problem. There are some good advice here where it says there is one rule to employ and find

the tyranny. Shoot the big ones. It's been proven by the learned men and women of those who study the xenob breeds that the tyrians are sent into paroxysms of confusion if the larger controlling minds are obliterated. Which is technically true. I was going to say that's technically true. They make it sound a lot easier

than it actually is. But yeah, that's technically right. This is the form of the tyranny is manifold. stand far taller than a man and are slow and cumbersome movers, other fast ones with the size of dogs, but they wander harmlessly at the feet of the larger brethren, often tripping them. Yeah, I don't think that's true. Yeah, I don't think that's true at all.

Yeah, you're going to get fucked. Yeah, definitely not. It says their strength, such as it is, is a close combat fighting, but even in that case, a tempered blade thrust firmly in between the armored plates will incapacity the attacker and convince its brethren to back off. to avoid getting your... To avoid getting your uniform covered in alien I-Corps is best

to dispatch them from a distance. Wow. Yeah, I mean, because that's... You know, you're fighting the Tarynx. That's what you need to be worried about more than anything. It's like, man, I don't want to get blood and Icar all over my uniform. Better do this from a distance, because obviously, they're no threat. That's crazy!

Yeah, this is why you have... This is why this is used this toilet paper, and you have the veteran teach you about shit. Rightfully so. about their acid blood or anything like that. You know, don't worry about that shit. No, no, no, no. Oh, got on my uniform. Oh.

What? Use the disgust that will well inside you like a fountain and turn that disgust into hatred. Hatred for the abominable form of the alien. Hatred for the atrocities they have performed in the endless quest of domination. Remember always that the tyrant in fleet should be regarded as nothing more than vermin

to be eradicated from our galaxy. I mean, that is how you should view them. They are vermin that need to be eradicated, but they make it sound so easy, and it's so not, and you're crazy. Last but not least is the Eldar. All the major aliens in the galaxy, the enigmatic Eldar are the most like the humans in physical terms. But do not let this seeming connection with us confound your judgments. The Eldar are despicable races, untrustworthy and decadent. And so far, we're on track.

Yeah, well, I mean, all of us. that tracks, yeah, sure. The Eldar are sly and cunning beyond measure. This probably accounts for their longevity. It is certainly not down to any store of nobility or purity. Their appearance is bipedal, taller, and as a rule, slimmer than the average man. Pallet skin, sharp features, and shifty eyes that betray their untrustworthy nature.

They are smooth in their movements, but their bodies are brittle and easily broken. Which not easily broken. The Eldar can easily one-v-one unify. Oh, sure. but for the most part that tracks with what you would expect from imperial propaganda, you know, and it's mostly on course, you know, it's a little exaggerated, but, you know, nothing that's as egregious as, oh yeah, just shoot an orc in the face, you'll be fine. I, uh, the next page, 68 and 69 are particularly funny because they just rip into the Eldar.

Every image here, it just has something underneath the Eldar that, like, is yelling at them. It's like the writer particularly had a hatred against these Eldar. Because like on the top is their guns and it says the Eldar craftsmanship is inferior to our own.

And then there's just a picture of an Eldar and says the Eldar are weak and impure. The Eldar are cowards. The Eldar refer to attack from afar. She thinks the author's family might have gotten killed by a bunch of Eldar. Or maybe they served

and they had to fight the Eldar and they got absolutely Shrek. And they're bitter. They wouldn't be writing this then. They'll be writing, oh my fucking God, the Eldar. Yeah, true enough, true enough. Eldar warriors are cowards! The Eldar will make prodigious use of psychers.

Little as none about these mysterious and cruel individuals. Be vigilant, have faith, meet out justice with your blessed Las gun, the true weapon of a divine warrior. Ah, yes, the old flashlight gun. Yep. There's a lot of little things here. It's like, Eldar defenders are those Eldar rounded up to fight. They are not natural warriors and are. often mystify by the roar and confusion

of battle. Treat them like errant children for such they are. Yeah, that'll get you killed. Yep, and they constantly talk about how they constantly talk about how the Eldar may be fast but their weapons are just really shit. Which is so wrong.

So wrong. Ooh, man. Fleak, like, or like weak and flimsy, which they're about I think an Eldar is about the same strength as a human, give or take. They're about equal. Yeah.

I would almost think that the elder are a little stronger than a human, right? I don't know. It depends on how buff the human is. If it's like a catachia in a way in hell. True, true. I guess I always figured the Eldar kind of relied more on speed and swiftness rather than just brute force strength, right? Yeah, I would imagine if you were to take like two of them

and throw them in a sparring ring, it'd be like a David and Goliath thing where the human might be able to out punch him, but the Eldar is faster. Yeah. Yeah. So just, you know, if it's, if it's, takes him a thousand cuts to kill you and you know it only takes you one but you can't land that one blow who cares

yeah like I mean howling banshees and stuff fuck you up oh man I remember the howling it was howling banshees in the yeah those were howling banshees in the yeah those those motherfuckers man

yuck meanwhile like the guardians there's the regular Eldar and in the same book they died in droves yeah so it's really like you know it's back and forth Anywho, there's also like a general consideration with Zeno's threat. And then there's the corruption of the dark forces talking about the warp and chaos. Is that kind of thing, areas of corruption. One of my favorite things is under the medical section, there is section four, cowardice.

Cowardous is an affliction of the weak and feeble mind him. is your greatest enemy on the battlefield, and they have symptoms of cowardice. Feelings of weakness, fatigue, cold and snagia, cold and clammy skin, a regular breathing, a weak pulse, whimpering and moaning, hiding, or fleeing the battle.

Doc, tell me what's wrong with me. What have I got? Well, you've been afflicted with cowardice. You're a coward, the clammy skin, coward. Commissar? Another one. Yeah, commissar, this man has been afflicted with cowardice. Shoot him.

By the Emperor's will. Bang. It's like, wait, don't you have any pills for this? No. Then at the end of this, we have, we've got all of the various inspirational speeches, which are kind of fun. Okay.

They have a bunch of great imperial heroes and various other, just inspirational speeches to read if you want to learn stuff. There's like, like, Commissar Yarek has one of them and just various other stuff. Okay, okay, cool, cool. Kind of fun. And then there's the

common prayers for the soldier, which we have discussed at nauseam. Adnauseum. The last page of the book says Eris Mort, which I believe is something Gothic, says, war,

which you will know as it will become your life, has many sounds. The wine of incoming shells, the crack of the noble Lasgun, the cries of the dying and the roars of victory. You will learn these noises well. You are a soldier of the imperial gar. And with that, you are a symbol of the Imperium.

In peaceful moments, which you will learn to treasure in their rarity, take time to think. Think of your fortune to be counted in the ranks of the blessed and feel a quiet but fierce pride in what you do. You are the backbone of the Imperium, her first line of defense. Behind you stand billions of men, women, and children. children all breathing their thanks to you.

You protect the hearts and homes of all rightful citizens of our proud empire. Feel your quiet pride and scream your allegiance to the emperor himself hears you. Men and women of the Imperial Guard, you and what you do are the pride of humanity. Damn, that's some propaganda. Mm-hmm. There's a big old commissar and a guard's been holding up this giant scroll. below it is a fucking servitive baby, I think. Cheriard with a bunch of skulls and swords.

I am curious. Like, I want to know the reaction of the first, I guess, guard squad that ever received a copy of this book, right? And they're skimming through it. And they're like, wow, man, this is going to be great. This is going to be easy. And then their first reaction when they're like, this book is full of shit!

I would love to see a book of like just their reaction to actually fighting orcs or tyrannids or Eldar for the first time versus what they genuinely honestly thought was truth in this little book that was given to them. You know, they got to assume the Imperium is like, oh yeah, this is from Big E, this is all truth. I would never not believe this. I would love to see that first platoon fight that first orc, uh, wah. just be like, oh, God! I didn't expect this! I want that. I want that story. The, uh, I would imagine it would arrive when the first gunshot of a tir and it hits your buddy,

and the living ammunition eats him alive. Yeah. Yep. Or the, or the, the or the orc was... Or just the first orc that you ever see, because, like, dude... It was enormous? Yeah, he's like eight feet, he's like eight feet taller than you. He's ripped his shit.

He's got all this bulk. armor and yeah. Or when the fucking orc war boss rolls up and you're like, oh my God, the emperor, his angels are here. And then the Astari just gets ripped into by the fucking war boss. Yeah, the war boss. Oh my God. What the fuck?

He just gets crushed like a fly. Oh, man. And that's an Astardy. Yeah, he's a starry just gets like an orc warbox. His power claw just snips him into and you're like, oh. Or the fucking Eldar tank just like obliterates him and turns into a mist. Yeah, the book didn't say anything about this. Ugh.

That would be, I would love just a, even if it's just a quick little snippet. Just like a 50-page book of this first encounter. I'd love it. Oh, propaganda. I find a little, I find a lot of enjoyment in old-school 40-star propaganda. end. It's very racist, but it's... Oh, God, yeah. Well, that's the point, right? It's because you got to villainize the quote-unquote enemy and really rally people to see them as a villain. Yeah, it's extremely racist and all that, but I have a soft spot for the art style of it. Like, the old Rosie the Riveter

stuff, it's a... Yeah. It's, I really just enjoy the art style to it and how there's a certain amount of humor I take and just how, like, fervor it was, you know? It was, wow, wow, shy. That last one is rough. Yeah, I mean, they're all pretty rough, but yeah, that last one that shy posted is really, really rough. But that's how it was. I mean, they had, back in the day, what was it, Donald Duck cartoons that were extraordinarily racist propaganda, right? But that's wartime, right?

That's what war will do. like in that crazy propaganda machine that just keeps churning it out, right? Yeah, basically. That was all that it was. And, you know, Imperium has to have this stuff in their way

at the stubby-ass orc and all of the Eldar cowards. Even them, this is meant to be a guide. Like this is supposed to be the more realistic version. I can't imagine what they have back home. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, like this is meant to be

more realistic to help the guardsman. Imagine what the exaggerated version on Terra looks like. Yeah. Ooh. And then you actually fight them. You're like, oh my God! The howling banshees run up to and your eardrums burst. You can't even think straight.

You just carved in two. You probably don't even have time to notice that your eardrums have burst because you've already been sliced into a million little pieces. Can you imagine? What, they get this book and they show up to a goddamn Necron world. And it's just like, what are these? The book doesn't say anything

about this. What the fuck? What is this? There's, oh my God, why are their green skeletons? Shooting, oh my God, my buddy disintegrated. And then then the overlord is just laughing at you. Yeah. And it's just like, you puny fucking human.

Slice, like, slice, slice. Yeah, there's a guy just hiding behind a rock. Like, there's got to be something that's fucking book about these guys. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Nothing. What do I do?

Know your enemy. It'll kill you. Yes, it will. Anyway, that's what I got for the infantry men's uplifting primer. I am very happy that we could take a good three minutes to make sex jokes. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That's, I mean, entertainment over accuracy, right?

Although, hey, you never know. They, you know, 40K, when they get down and dirty, they might use those, you know. know. You know, I'm just like, I'm just not sure if I'm, you know, really ready to, to do this right now. Uh-uh. Canticle of appeasement. Be still, spirits. I do what I must. Forgive the intrusion and give me your trust. Also, something about the word canticle. It's like, it feels like one of those words that should be dirty. Canticle? Yeah, it just sounds like it's just, it just needs one little push. And it's like, oh, it's a dirty word. Canticle? Like, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a dirty word. Canticle. Like, it's so close to testicle or something, like, you know? Sounds like it should be a filthy, dirty word.

Like, oh, yeah, you got him right in the canticles. I'm sorry. The incantation of the maimed. Okay. And I quote, I lost a limb, but I gained faith, for I survived. Oh, boy.

That's... God fucking damn it. What a chant. Wow. That's truly, truly. Emperor be blessed, yes. I lost a limb, but I'm alive. God, some of these are funny. God, somebody just gets me. I love how dumb it is.

It is very dumb, and that's what makes it so great. All right, well, the good old Imperial Men's uplifting primer, GW make it again. Please. Oh, yeah, yeah, reprint it. I literally want a copy of this ridiculous little primer just to put on my bookshelf and just display and, ah man, come on G-dub. It'll be so fun. Anyway, this time, this time, good old, uh, good old shy isn't going to shoot us.

No. Instead, we're going to go fight orcs, the imperial way. Oh, God. Please shoot me.