Adeptus Ridiculous - THE LOST COLONY OF ROANOKE | Detective Ridiculous

Episode Date: April 28, 2024

https://www.patreon.com/AdeptusRidiculoushttps://www.adeptusridiculous.com/https://twitter.com/AdRidiculoushttps://orchideight.com/collections/adeptus-ridiculousThe establishment of the Roanoke Colony (/ˈroʊənoʊk/ ROH-ə-nohk) was an attempt by Sir Walter Raleigh to found the first permanent English settlement in America. The colony was founded in 1585, but it was visited by a ship in 1590 and the crew found that the colonists had disappeared under unknown circumstances. It has come to be known as the Lost Colony, and the fate of the 112 to 121 colonists remains unknown to this day.Support the show

Detective Ridiculous, where we talk about the only thing more terrifying than Warhammer, real life. Before we get started, if you want to check out our awesome Patreon down below at patreon.com slash Adeptus Ridiculous, where you can get excellent things like Discord access, bloopers if they happen, fantastic posters every single month, and more great things. Check it out as well as in our merchandise store at Orchidate.com. link in the description for all kinds of fantastic merch. DK has assured us today that this would be a short episode and I, as the kids say, call cap. I don't think there's any cap to be found here unless you are wearing one.

Are you wearing a cap today? No. Because that's the only one you'll find. I am not a balding, middle-aged call-of-duty streamer who has to wear a snapback to every single stream they go on to. Oh, that hurts because I used to do IRL streams and I would wear snapbacks. It's a very specific demographic I just shot in the face right there and I know exactly what I've done. In all fairness, I wore you, you've seen my weeb hats. The one time we met, I was wearing that weeby-ass hat.

What was on the hat? The snapback? It was just a bunch of Japanese stuff from a brand that we are not sponsored by. I mean, fair enough. I mean, we do sell hats. We should not talk about any other hats. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

But yeah, oh, man, that's a deep cut, brother. I wore it in the one episode where I showed my face on Adrick, too. I mean, I-I-I-I-R-Bring one? I mean, the snapback part may have been signed that is related to you, but the middle-aged call-duty YouTuber is a very, it's a very specific demographic I'm to make fun of. Okay. I'm also not balding yet.

Anyway, that's not why we're here. No, it's not why we're here. Why are we here? So, today. on Detective Ridiculous. We're covering a topic that, you know, it's a little open-ended, and there are a bunch of theories to it,

and I only say this, because whenever there's a topic like this, and there are lots of theories, the episode tends to go crazy with the, here's what could have happened, and, you know, we're here for 87 billion hours. So, in the interest of everyone's sanity, like I told them before,

I'm going to try and keep this nice in kingdom hearts. That's simple and clean. just knocked over a bottle. Doesn't matter. We're going with it. Nice and Kingdom Hearts. What about Kingdom Hearts is simple or clean? The opening music is called simple and clean.

Oh, is it really? Yeah, it's okay. I wouldn't have expected you to get it because, you know, it's a very weeby game. And I, yeah. Anyway, don't worry. The viewers get it. I'm worried. It's okay.

Utata Hikaro. Anyway, so today, we are going all the way back to the 1500s. as we discuss the lost colony of Roanoke. Have you heard of it? I got nothing. Zero. Okay. Okay, cool, cool. So, there is a lot of potential backstory we could go over, but we're not going to. We're going to keep this nice and to the point.

So, in this time, the English are looking to make this transatlantic trip to America and colonize this little place called Roanoke Island, which is more or less just off the coast of modern-day North Carolina. The trip is being basically funded by a dude named Sir Walter Raleigh, who is being funded by the queen, but whatever, it's Sir Walter Raleigh's little thing. It's meant to be sort of their first foothold in the new world, and it'll help them secure lots of really cool traits, routes, all that sort of colonization stuff.

And their first attempt at this goes astonishingly bad, because one, they didn't bring enough food or supplies. So a couple months in, they are running dangerously low on stuff that they really, really need. Thankfully, the Native Americans in the area are friendly enough. They help them with their food shortage. they provide them with corn and all the stuff that they can grow, and, you know, they're being pretty hospitable, all things considered.

But the English start to become way too reliant on them. And this starts to be quite the burden on the hospitality of the Native Americans. Long story short, the Native Americans and the English colonizers start to just butt heads about everything. The Native Americans are starting to just, they're like, oh my God, these English colonizers are the worst. They're not doing anything to help.

They're eating all of our food. So it kind of sort of becomes all out war between them. And the leader of the English colonizers, his name is Ralph Lane. He was kind of a D-bag.

Is this the guy with the massive drip right here? Actually, I think that's, is that, I think that's Walter Raleigh. I think that's Raleigh, maybe. But anyway, he's a bigger drip. Huge D-bag. He starts taking slaves. He starts taking hostages. A couple sources said that he was like, hey, you better start giving us more food.

Otherwise, these hostages and slaves, killing them. Also, at some point, they ended up killing one of the tribe leaders, decapital him and putting his head on a pike outside of their encampment. So not going super well. Yeah, a little bit of an ass. There's also the problem that the English brought a bunch of disease with them. The white man brought a bunch of disease that the Native Americans were not properly equipped to deal with. So not only is there just Ralph Lane being a total D-bag, but they're also like, oh my God, the English are the embodiment of

death. Everywhere they go, our people are just dying. So it's basically not, it's, it's, it's all out war between them and the English are completely outnumbered. They get thrashed and they have to retreat back to England. So, their first trip to Roanoke, uh, or Croatowan goes astonishingly bad, horrible, awful. Uh, they would also, I think they would also, I think they would. end up leaving like 15 soldiers behind just to see if well maybe we can salvage something

but when when they get back to England they're still like you know we really really really really really yeah yeah so they had to keep the rights to the land okay but so

they're like you know what we still really want to colonize this area because like we need that foothold and it's a really good spot and it's kind of well protected by this outer bank of islands so it's really hard to like see it but like we can still secure trade routes

and we really we gotta get back there so they're like okay we're gonna colonize this place but you know what let's not go back to Roanoke things didn't go super great the first time here's what we're gonna do we're gonna go to Chesapeake Bay

you know that's a little I think it's a little further north the natives there much more friendly, much more welcoming to the English. They're like, you know what? It's going to be better if we do that. So, one of the men who went on this first journey's

name is John White decides, you know what, I'm going to take 115 to 120 citizens with me, and we're going to make it work. We're going to make it work. And I am so confident. This is going to be successful. I am taking my pregnant daughter and her

and her husband. Their names are Eleanor and Ananias Dair. I mean, no one has ever brought a pregnant person over to like a major trip and not had something go wrong. I mean, this is going to go smoothly. Oh, sure. Sure, sure. So confident. Also, the name Ananias, that is the most 1,500's name I think I've ever heard.

Ananias? Yeah, that's Anani... See, now we have the simple version, which is Anna. Mm-hmm, yep, yep. Well, Anonias is the husband. So, anyway. Wait, Anonias is the husband? Yeah, Eleanor and Ananias.

Oh, yeah, you're right. He's the husband. But they still had to stop at Roanoke because there's still those 15 soldiers there that are trying to like, you know, keep the claim to the land and everything. So it's like, you know what? Let's go pick up those 15 soldiers.

See how they're doing. See how we can assist. Everything will be going. Spah Lendon. They were also taking two Native Americans with them from the first journey, because there were a couple of Native Americans that they didn't completely ostracize. Their names were Mantio and Juan Chese or Juan Chese. I'm going to say Juan Chesa because that sounds better. And they even got introduced to the queen, and the queen was like, hey, hey!

But wait, DK. Does the queen have that yacht? She do have that yacht, but she gave it to the Rizler. Damn. All right. Yeah. So she do have that Gat, but the Rizler has already come through. We would be hung and burned as witches for saying words like this in this time.

Not even for being witches, just for being. No, we'd be locked in stocks and they would just throw rotten vegetables out of. They speak witchcraft. They speak witchcraft. I do not know this. Rizzler! It's the devil! But yeah, they were introduced to the queen, and she's like, oh, they don't seem so bad. You know, maybe colonization?

Okay, yeah, guys, go back, check. So they have about 120 people or so in like three ships, and they have their two Native American guides. The return trip goes pretty well, and they do make landfall on Roanoke. But for some reason, the navigator, a man named it's either Fernandez or Fernandez or something like that he was just apparently he was like you know what

no I'm not going to Chesapeake you're staying in Roanoke and that's the end of it and shot I don't know if you could find a reason for why he did this like so everybody respected the navigator and the pilot way more than John White even though he's the captain so when Fernandez was like yeah

we're just doing Roanoke we're not doing Chesapeake Bay. Nobody fought him. Even John White was just like, oh, okay, whatever you say, because John White, by trade is like an artist and a painter. So, I don't, Shia, if you could elaborate

on why Fernandez was just like, no, nope, nope, we're doing Roanoke. I don't care what you say. That's it. I'm just dumping you. Yeah, so, that's why they didn't fight, but I don't know why he was so against going to, like, Chesapeake.

Anyway, but anyway, so John White and the colonists are kind of sort of shit out of luck at this point. And they're like, well, I mean, we got to make the best out of a bad situation. So let's go back to the old Lane colony and let's see what's going on with those 15 soldiers. Let's see what they're up to. Bricky, what do you think they found? You know, I got a guess. Yeah, what's that guess? Death?

Yeah, they basically found that the lane colony had pretty much been destroyed, they found a bunch of bones, they found all signs of like an attack, and it's like, uh-oh, everybody's dead. Yep, you know, just some casual butchery while we're at it, you know? Yeah, yep, yep, they found the bones, they found obvious signs of attack, and it's like, well, that's not good. Is it casual butchery or have we entered ranked butchery? I think we're still. Yes. Yes, they have prestige. So, you know.

But they still have to make do with, you know, somehow colonizing Roanoke because they don't really have any other options. So they set up houses and they set up like these, this big wooden, like defensive fence around their little out. post town encampment as protection and they just try to like mind their own business let's let's not piss off the natives let's not do anything crazy let's just mind

her own goddamn business also if you need a time period this is like July 1587 so it's a while ago July 15 where did we get all of these records from exactly um I believe that John

White actually kept some very detailed records about these journeys. And he also made some very detailed maps that we'll talk about later. So I think we're going off of John White's records and probably some of the other survivors, too. Yeah, he was an artist by trade. He kept records and really intricate drawings. He was very good at it. We've had stories only 100 years ago with less accuracy than this. And so that's why I'm like, damn, who's keeping this, like, who's keeping this on lockdown?

Yeah, John White, yep. All right, all right. Anyway, so unfortunately, not long after this, one of the colonists by the name of George Howe would end up being killed while he was looking for crabs along the coast. They found his body, and it was like littered with arrows. and I think a couple sources said that his skull was like caved in with a rock. There's a drawing of what they think it looked like. He was just straight up ambushed. I don't know why I laugh at that, but for some reason I laughed at that.

It's very dramatic. It's like the, oh, like, you know, in, what is it? Ace Ventura, where he gets the one. The arrows in the legs. Ah! I don't know about it either. It just. It feels like a family guy skit.

I feel like we need another version of the drawing with him face down, like in like the Peter position. Oh, yeah, but his arm behind his back. Yeah, his arm behind him. Yeah, I don't know. Which is me. But, yeah, so he gets killed. And this is mostly because, like, there's still a lot of, like,

ooh, little, little angst from the Native Americans because they kind of remember what the previous tenants were like. And they're like, ooh, who's this guy? But John White was like, oh God, not again. Not again. And he goes into just full recovery mode. He doesn't want another bloodbath. So he gets Mantio and is like, dude, let's go down to Croatowa, which is like, I think

it's like a neighboring island where these Native Americans are. Mantio also was a member of the Croatowan tribe. And they're like, let's just resolve this peacefully. Let's smooth things over. Oh, God, please. I don't want to have to flee and do this whole schick all over again and report to the queen that I effed up again. Okay. There's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a, there's a Hank of the, there's a, there's a Hank of the, um, hang of the hill.

Hank of the hill is the YouTube poop. Uh, there's a Hank, king of the, king of the, oh, God damn it. There's a, there's a king of the hill episode where, I forget which guy it was, but he was like driving. some Native American people. And he's like, you all celebrate Thanksgiving? And he's like, we did once. Once.

And this is the aftermath. Yeah. And as the story goes, Mantia was able to actually smooth things over. And according to the legend, according to the story, the reason that

this raid happened was obviously because, you know, the local Native Americans were not super thrilled with the white man, obviously. Putting it a little lightly. Yeah. But, okay, it's 2024 and I'm still not very thrilled with the white man. Fair and valid. Fair and valid. But as the legend goes, it was actually the other Native American guy that they had, won Chese,

that was just really not happy with the English. because when he went back with them, he saw everything and he's like, what is wrong with these people? Like, oh, man, I hate the English. The only future I can see is them coming back to my native land, drinking it dry, plundering everything. And oh, my God, I hate the English. And so it was actually him that led these raiders to attack and kill George Howe, as the legend goes. As the legend goes. As the legend goes.

I don't think it was ever confirmed, but that's the fancy fun story. So, anyway, like I said, with the help of Manteau, things become a little more peaceful. Because they're like, look, this isn't going to go like it was before. We don't have any soldiers. We're going to take care of the land we've got. We're going to grow our own stuff. Look, we have men, women, children. I have a pregnant daughter here.

I'm not looking to cause problems. Please, just let us be. and things do settle for the most part. Obviously, things are still a little tense because, you know, George took the big Uffy, but we're holding steady. Is that the scientific term? Yeah, yes, yes, big, the umfius Maximus. Oh, okay, that's right, that's right.

I wanted to make sure that we had the correct categorization. I put it in layman's terms with the big umfee, but umphius Maximus is the scientific term, I should say. Okay, is that the character from Gladiator? Fias Maximus Meridius, commanders of the armies of the north, General of Felix Legions. Wow, you remembered all that from it?

A husband to a murdered wife. I got, not to derail this too much, but that is where I first started really enjoying Joaquin Phoenix's acting. Oh yeah, Gladiator, I think, is like, still one of his best roles. Yeah, loved it. Love him as the corrupt emperor.

Anyway, but new set of problems has arisen because they made literally the exact same mistake they made the first time because guess what they don't have enough of they don't have enough food

and they don't have enough supplies and whoopsie daisy didn't bring enough people with us either whoopsie doobly neighborino forfeit your skin yeah yeah and like by the time they got there it was like a little

like it was just too late in the season to plant and grow crops. So they were kind of up a creek without a paddle. And they weren't really ready to go to the natives and be like, hey, guys, can we borrow your food? Can we get some food from you? Because, you know, I had a curiosity, what was the creek made of? The creek?

Mm-hmm. What do you mean the creek? It was made of shit. They were up shit's creek. Oh, they were up shit's creek. Okay. I see. Okay. Yeah, okay.

All right. It should also be noted that on August 18th, 1587, John White's daughter, Eleanor, gave birth to her daughter, Virginia Dare. Oh. And she would be the first English child born and baptized in North America. Okay. All right. And literally a week after that, August 27, 1587, the colonist convinced John White, Hey man, we need more people.

We need more supplies. Go back to England and get them. And John's like, just go back to England, huh? Just go back to England. Go get them. Go talk to the queen again. Just make the transatlantic journey by myself.

Get more supplies. Get more people. Get the groceries. It's a two-month voyage back there, you guys. What am I supposed to do? I just got a granddaughter. Come on, guys. But they're like, no, somebody's got to do it, and you're the leader. So he's like, fine, fine, fine, I'll do what I have to do.

I'll go back to England. That's fine. And John White actually makes pretty good time because he gets back to England on November 5th. And he wastes no time gathering more people, gathering more supplies. He really loads this ship up. He's like, listen, this is not going to happen again. This problem is done. We're good. It's fine.

But as John White not super lucky because new problem arises because he is like just about ready to leave port and be like, all right, time to go back to my family. Unfortunately, there is growing fear in England that the Spanish armada is readying to attack. And because of these fears, the Queen of England has put a restriction in place that's just like, yo, ships are not allowed to leave port. You're not allowed to leave. We need every ship we can get because if the Spanish Armada shows up, I don't know if you know this, Spanish Armada, very big, very dangerous. She's like, we need every ship we can get. Nobody gets to leave England. So you don't get to go get food and you get to live in the area with all the people around you that want to kill.

you. Yep. And this restriction would keep John White at England for three whole years. Oh, no. Wait, was his wife and kid still back there? No, not John White. It's the other one, right? It's his daughter and his daughter's husband and his granddaughter, Virginia Dare, are still there. His family is all back there. And he's stuck. I wonder if he could just desert You just be like, I'm just sailing away now Bye bye, I'm just gonna sneak out But how are you gonna sneak out on that big old ship With all those supplies? Like, there's no way.

No way. No, there is no ways, but I imagine, yeah, I imagine he attempted it minimum. Yeah, he attempted, but no success. He had no chance. So he was stuck in port until the Spanish Armada had finally been fended off in 1590. So three whole years?

Three whole years. Oh, boy, it's time to make the trip back, kids. Yeah, what was supposed to be a relatively quick and easy supply run ended up keeping John White from his family and the colonist. I do not. I don't have the attempts with two boats in the notes. I do not. But if you have it, Bricky can read it.

My attempts with two boats in the notes. I do not. Like I said, I tried to keep it nice and succinct. I didn't get all the funnies and stuff. I just, I was trying to keep this to the point. So let us hear it, Shai. Easy enough to just cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. A little freightened.

I'm assuming he tried to be like, oh, look, there's that boat leaving. And then he tried to, like, go the other direction. Like, oh, it's a bait and switch. He's in the other boat. He managed to get two boats to go to colony, but they were poorly equipped so they tried to rob some other boats for supplies horribly failed. And after a return. All right.

That's a little funny. He tried. Sorry, buddy. I know your goal was admirable. But, but nah. Yeah. But not, friend. Nah, fam, no, fam.

So finally, John White hitches a ride. with a fleet of ships that they're going around the Caribbean, Caribbean, Caribbean. And they're just like any Spanish outposts they find, they're like, boom, let's get it. Boom, let's get it. Ha, we got you. And I think two of the ships in the fleet would break off from the main fleet and they would make port at Roanoke. And hopefully they'd be like, all right, let's get back to my family, huh? Let's get back to my daughter and a child.

and when they finally made landfall, things were a little eerie, you know? Things are a little quiet here. What's going on? They found some fresh tracks that didn't really lead anywhere. And as they continued to investigate, they found a tree with a letter CRO carved on it. White was fairly sure he knew what this meant, but they headed for the settlement anyway

and found that this settlement was like, Like, gone, gone. It is... Like, abandoned? It is... The only thing that's left is essentially that big fence that they made

as sort of like protection. Everything else, anything useful had just been packed up and was like, gone. So this is like the Revenant starring Leonardo DiCaprio. No, no, that was the opening. Did you see that movie?

Nope. Okay. There's a very, very, um, gruesome and like realistic, like kind of one take, uh, fight, um, fight scene in the, uh, battle scene in the beginning where they get attacked by, by Native Americans. And it's just like people, I thought you were going to say a bear. Because I remember there was a bear. There's also the bear. There's also the bear. That is, that is, that is a different part of it. But yes, there is also the bear. It's not like the bear in Baldersgate three, is it? Uh, I, I, oh, no, you have, that, is it? That, is, it? It is. I, oh, no, you have, that is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. I. It is. It is. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh, it. Oh Isn't that Holson? Don't you have sex with that bear? You sure do. Oh, no, no, the bear. The bear just beats the shit out of him.

That's about it. Okay, okay. But yeah, the buildings are like stripped to their foundation, like Shai said. Everything is like gone. Okay, so they packed up. They packed up. They packed up. The only thing that was, so there was the CRO in that tree.

And on the fence that they go up to, there's the word Croa towa written on one of the fences. Everything else gone. just like the fence just hanging out there um am i crazy why why does c r o not ring a bell to me did did you say something that i missed or is this are you setting something up oh no so c r o so like i said so there was the c r o on that tree but also on the fence the word croatowa was also carved in so in john white's mind he's like oh oh croatoa oh c r o croatoa croatoa is written on the fence he's like oh Okay, everything is gone. I don't see any bones.

I don't see any signs of a struggle. And also, there was this one source that was like, you know, they were under this understanding because John White, when he left, must have been like, look, something might happen while I'm gone. Let's make this little code system where, you know, you got to give me some hint as to where you're going and if you are forced out or somebody like is attacking you put a cross like this big cross symbol somewhere that I can find he didn't ever find a cross anywhere among any of these carvings so he's like oh they they must be safe and not only are they safe they must have gone to croatowa

Okay. So his plan is like, okay, we'll go to Croatowa with Mantio and we'll check on those islands. We'll do a more thorough search and everything. But again, John White, not a lucky guy. No? Not a lucky guy. They picked probably the worst time to be on the Roanoke Islands because as they were getting ready to check out the other islands and, and set sail, a massive storm picks up. Huge storm. And this, so the waters around this area are

already a little treacherous to sailing because there's lots of these little inlets. There's lots of these little island chains. And now the waters are even worse. This storm is blaring. There is the threat of running a drift. And even when they're sailing, the wind just keeps pushing them further and further out and they're like oh my god we can't look around this area we're going to get shipwreck we're just getting pushed further and further out and so they can't actually do a proper search and they have to abandon the search and go back to england without ever figuring out what happened to the colonists they come back to england they have to go back to england because they just they can't do it they can't

Our boy, John, like, wronged the wrong deity in his last life. Yeah, I don't know what he did in his prior life, but boy, he really, really, really screwed up. Because he has just no luck. Just no luck at all. This is honestly sad, but also, like, genuinely hilarious at the same time. A little bit, right? It is just a comedy of errors. And again, to keep this short and to the point, you know, after this, there are, in like the next several hundred years, there are tons of journeys that are made to try and recover the colonists or try to determine what happened to them.

And a majority of them just turn up super fruitless. Because again, the weather there is bad. There's lots of storms. The water's very difficult to navigate. Some voyages did actually make landfall, but a lot of them were captured and killed by the natives or made to flee. There was one captain that was captured by the Native Americans, and he noticed or he was told that, like, oh, yeah, you know, there, we had a few tribesmen that were, they wore European clothes, or they had, they have these gray, eyes, you know, which was a, which is a sign of maybe European descent. And it's like, oh, I noticed some people have kind of like yellowish white skin. And it's like, hey, you know, maybe, maybe they reintegrated into these tribes. And that's what happened to them. Um, there was also a little shade thrown at Raleigh. Uh, because since he wanted to keep his claim on this land, because it would secure a really, really profitable trade route.

He never actually tried to prove that the colonists were okay. He actually wanted to just leave it kind of up in the air and not find out and just leave it ambiguous because if he did legally, he could still be like, yeah, Rowan Oak Island, that's mine. It's mine because we don't know if they're dead or not, so they're probably alive somewhere on there. So that land, still mine. So he wants the claim. Yeah, he wants the clout. He wants that clout.

He wants that, yeah. And according to Wikipedia, at one point, he claimed he was going on a voyage to search for these lost colonists. But apparently, in reality, he was like, L.O.L. I'm actually going to go look for El Dorado. Okay. I'm sorry. One more time.

LOL, I'm going to go look for El Dorado. He wasn't going to look for his lost colonies. he was going to look for the city of gold. Because the money, the money! It's all, it's not about the money, Spider-Man.

That's wild to me, just because, I don't know why, but because I played through all of the, the uncharted games and you actually do find El Dorado. El Dorado. In, um,

the third game. Great animated movie, too. Also good, too, but like, just the idea. I don't know. I know at the time. At the times,

the 1500s, things are different right now. But it's like, Bricky, why just stop being a YouTuber? You know, seems like you had a good thing. I was like, I just wanted to find the city of gold, brother. Like, I'm just looking for Eldorado, brother. Yeah. I'd be like if you were like, oh, no, guys, I'm going to stop being a YouTuber and I'm going to go start my own charitable effort. And you're like, no, I'm just going to look for the city of gold. Yeah. It's like, you know what? I think, I think the best use of my time right now, we're going to go find Shambala. I'm going to go look for Atlantis. It's just, it's just, it's just, it's just, it's.

just the matter of factness about that as like we're going to go find the city of gold. El Dorado. Hussarado, baby. Hell yeah. And as he so deserves, he would eventually be found of, he would be found guilty of treason against the crown. So you reap what you sow a little bit. Oh, oh, oh, did he like get hung or something for it?

Probably. I forget exactly what happened to him, but treason against the crime. He must have been executed. Yeah, he was probably killed or disemowed or something. fun way back of the day. He's a whole head shorter now, I think. Was he killed by the orcs? Sure, why not?

Okay, he was, he was, he was. Yeah, shy as the chopping block. Okay, cool, cool, cool. It was as we thought. He's a whole head shorter. Now, there have been some modern theories about what might have happened to, was that really his last words?

What are you waiting for, chop you asshole? I'm only a little joking. Wow. He went out as he lived, like a scumbag. I wish I was a little bit taller. I wish I was a baller. Anyway, now there have been some, like I said,

some modern theories about what happened to the colonists. Were they killed after leaving Roanoke? Did they actually reintegrate into one of the friendly tribes? Or was there something sinister afloat? And honestly, if you look at a map of the area, There's only so many different directions they could have headed in the sort of basic ships that they had, because obviously you can't go back to England. So, like, they can go north and try and get to Chesapeake Bay.

They can go south and hit a place called Hatteras Island, or they could go inland. Now, if you head south of Roanoke, you'll find that island that I just mentioned. It's called Hatteras Island, which is where most people kind of assume that the colonists evacuated to. I believe there were reports that when the English finally made one of their voyage to Hatteras, again, not only were there reports from the locals that there were English-speaking people there at one point. There was also like this History Channel document, which I know comments, I know History Channel is not the end-all, be-all of accurate sources. I get it. Like they had some dudes that were just rifling through the sand and rifling through some stuff and finding old,

pottery and old sword hilts that were probably brought over by the English, you know, when they relocated from Roanoke. But the problem with that is, like, when they properly date this stuff, they're like, well, some of this stuff is, like, a few hundred years, like, before, and some of this stuff is, like, a few hundred years after. so like we don't know who exactly brought this stuff over so you can't use that as conclusive evidence that the Roanoke colonists were actually here. Still possible and plausible, but you know, it's possible. And also I believe they are doing like legit DNA testing on people that currently live in like North Carolina in that region and like, okay, we're going to test your DNA. we're going to see where your bloodline goes and like, ooh, your DNA, you've got some Native American DNA in you, and you're also of white descent. So, hey, maybe, maybe this is where they came and maybe this is where they reintegrated.

And maybe this is where they started, you know, making new families and new lives. There's also another possible relocation spot that didn't become a potential theory until right around 2011. Like we said, John White was really good artist and he made insanely detailed maps of the region that showed like where all the native tribes were, how to navigate the waters and stuff like that. And in 2011, they see this map, right? And this map has this weird little spot

that's covered by another piece of paper. And so they're like, what is this little, what is this? And when they remove this little piece of paper, there's like this star X underneath it which denotes like the location of a fort or some sort of fortification. This site would come to be known as site X. Really? That's it? That's it? That's all they decided to name it?

Well, from what I read, they called it site X because X marks the spot, because it's an X symbol on the map. So this is Site X. How boring. They get some new material. I know, I know. But hey, what are you going to do? 2011, right? They thought the world was going to end in one year. Anyway, and although there were plenty of digs done in the area, and they did, again,

they found pottery, they found weapon hills, same problem. There's nothing that definitively ties it to the right time period. There's just nothing that really puts it in the right spot at the right time. In the area of Site X, though, there were some infamous stones that were found. I think it was maybe a mile out of Site X. These stones, they're called the Dare stones, had the supposed last message of Eleanor Dare on them, carved into them, had these messages that said, Oh, my husband and my child and most of the colonists have been killed by the natives.

and if anyone ever finds this stone, please send word to my father and let him know what happened to us. Why did you say that like you were pitying him? Sorry, no, no, like, you know. You said it in such a way that was so like, and my husband and wife, they were killed. Oh, boo-hoo, woe is me.

Well, it's a sad thing. No, no, but you said it like you didn't care. Like you did it in this very like, like, oh, no, I'm dying. So the reason I say it like that is because there were some 48-ish stones like this that were found. Oh. And I think 45 or 46 of them were proven to be forgery. Oh.

Proven to be fake. Now, to be fair. They got cocky cats even back then? Yeah. To be fair, the first two stones that they were. found with those messages on them, they haven't been proven to be forgeries, but they haven't been proven to be legit either.

And because there were so many forgeries that were in the area, they were like, well, there's a fair chance that those first two were a big hoax too, because, you know, this must be a big nothing burger, because if 99% of the stones are fake, why would the first two be real? Yeah.

Yeah, that's true. You lack a little bit of burden of proof. Yeah, yeah, which is why I sort of gave it the sarcasticity. Yeah, it's fair. I was just, I was like, damn, dude, like no sympathy. Um, so, oh, Shai puts, uh, the committee as politely as possible declared the stones to be fake, largely on the use of two words, trail and recontr, which were not in the English language for a century or more after 1590.

So they were using words they shouldn't. have known. Yeah, all right. That's, all right, that's fair enough. I'll, I'll give, I'll give you that. Yeah. And honestly, to this day, some people aren't even sure that, like, we know even the exact spot where the Roanoke colony was. Uh, given how much time has passed, some people think that the exact spot of the colony has just eroded away and people have the wrong starting point. They don't even know. the right starting point to look for if any of that Roanoke colony even still exists.

There was also another source that had like a really good bit on this that was like it makes sense that you don't know exactly where Roanoke is because if you looked at maps at the time they wanted to hide exactly where the Roanoke colony was

because the Spanish Armada. The Spanish Armada they're always looking for English colonies. They're always looking for places that the English are setting up shop. So it makes sense that you wouldn't be like, oh, on the map, let's put big row and old colony.

This is where our foothold to the new world is. This is where our trade route is. You want to keep that as hush-huss as you possibly can. Which that same source was just like, that's probably why they covered up that X. Is because if that was a fortification, if

that was a place that they had hidden, well, you don't want that to be on the map because if it falls into Spanish hands, they're going to know exactly where your fort isn't exactly where to attack. Cover that shit up and no potential leak for the Spaniards. So, okay. All right. I get it. And then, of course, you have some people that think that... Aliens? Yep, actually. Oh, oh, really? Actually? Some people think that the X mark on the spot was actually to denote a landing spot where mass abductions and the colonists were just taken up into a spaceship never to be seen again.

Now that is the sarcastic pitying tone that I was referring to. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. you may you may I like the theory that they bailed on a boat there was a French colony that also failed horribly and Colin that said fuck this shit we're getting out of the new world in this one The new yeah build a horrible shitty wholefield boat and someone made it all the way back to Europe There are plenty of sailors and handymen in the colony. The entire colony was deconstructed so maybe they took the houses apart

Built a boat and sailed away or maybe sink or maybe just settled in some part of another part of America Could be sure I don't know I mean I'm I feel like I'm I'm more more of the opinion that they broke down their place. Well, I don't know. Like, I mean,

could the Native Americans have broken it down? Um, like, I could totally see. They get attacked. They get killed. And then the Native Americans,

either one of two reasons. They either, they either break down the place because, uh, one, all of this man-made stuff is, is kind of an affronts to their.

Good supplies anyway. Well, I was thinking more of an affront to their civilization there, specifically. Oh. Or it's a whole bunch of lumber and logs and stuff they could use for their own thing. The only problem is that John White found no bodies, he found no weapons, and he found really no sign of an attack at all. Like, it wasn't just that he didn't find the cross symbol.

He found nothing to indicate that... No bones, no bones, no corpses. That's true. Yeah. I think there is a I think at Site X that area around there had some hostile tribes too So it's possible that if they went to Site X

They might have been attacked And that's why the Darestones would be believable To be there But yeah Yeah I mean I don't know There's that There's also like

Because you think like Okay maybe they like They packed up shop And then they went to go move and then they were attacked and killed. But you don't pack up shop in a way where like you strip bare your place. You go and you build up a new area

and then you strip down your other place, right? I mean, to be fair, when you're already low on supplies, though, you've got to take everything you can, right? Yeah, but that makes a good point for the boat concept. That does, that does, because you need all that lumber to make the boats. There was this really good video. I wish I could remember who did it

because, you know, but they were like, you know, the most plausible theory is that they just all scattered. Like, some people went north to like Chesapeake. Some people went south to Hatteras. Some people went inland to site X. And that's why you have little pieces of English pottery and weapons like scattered all over the place is because maybe in their confusion, they were like, no, we should go north. And some people were like, no, screw that, let's go south. And some people were like, no, let's go inland. And they all just kind of went their separate ways. So, you know, but that's the thing with this one is like, there's no answer. There's no confirmation of anything. There's just a lot of weird pieces scattered around

that we can neither confirm nor deny anything about. There's no magic. There's no serial killer. It's just poof. You know, I think I'm kind of shy on this one. I kind of of vote for the boat. Vote for the boat. They, they, they,

they, they, vote for the boat. It's, it sounds a little implausible, but when you are that desperate, when,

when you need to get, you need to get, you need to leave. You need to, to run and get past all of that crap. Yeah. I mean, I mean, you gotta break it down and just bam,

bam, bam. I don't know, like I, uh, yeah, I just, I, yeah, maybe, maybe.

Who knows? knows. You could be right. Could be wrong. We'll literally never know. Probably. I don't know. Yeah. That's tough. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's an interesting one because again, this isn't like, oh, look at the, you know, like a lot of our episodes, it's like, oh, this vicious murder and blah, blah, blah. And this one is just like, well, John White had shit luck. He sure did. He, he, he, he, yeah, shit. I mean, I mean, the funniest part about, I mean, funny is, is a word for it. But the funniest part about, but the funniest part about the. This is just John White getting his ass trapped in England. That was such a, oh, man. I think he was, sorry, buddy. Yeah, I think the order literally went out as he was getting ready to set sail to.

Like, he was ready. Yep. It's the Area 51 of colonial history. Kind of. Kind of. Kind of. Yeah. Imagine, I'm hoping they mean Area 51 as in like,

a site of unknown doings as opposed to this is where the aliens are. Yeah, probably. Oh, that's true. Like, the Europeans had all that sickness and disease that they brought with them. So them integrating, I didn't really think about that. Oh. Yeah. That is wacky.

And it doesn't help that this is 500 years ago. Yeah, well, that's the other thing, right? Like, you, it's, this is another one of those mysteries that it's a mystery because, well, it's just been a really, really long time. And back then, it's not like they could, like, dust for fingerprints. They didn't even know what fingerprints were back then. That's true. All is dust. You had no chance.

All is dust. Magnus did nothing wrong. Yeah, he did. No, he did, he literally did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong. He did it wrong. He did nothing very wrong. What an idiot.

Anyway, lost colony of Roanoke, huh? That is actually a little bit. I don't know. I didn't necessarily assume that that would be the whole lost colony style. But, I mean, they are a colony, and they are most certainly lost. Yep. They are probably lost to history as well. Not only did they get lost, it's history will probably never know what really happened to them.

They are forever lost in the warp. You know, that would explain it. A portal opened up and just threw them all in? Which, which chaos god would look to pray on colonial, uh, English people? Okay, well, let's think. Um, they were under siege. They were running low on food. And so they're praying to save them from imminent danger and also starvation.

So there's a bit of fear there. Bit of fear, bit of fear. They are also, the white man does bring disease. But they were the white man. True, true. So maybe Nergel was like, hey, I see what you guys have done with your disease and I'm a big fan. I don't think so. This feels, this feels zich coded to me.

Oh, yeah. Oh, also zines should be like, you know what would be funny guys? Tell them you're in Croatowa. Tell them you're in Croatowa. Put ZRO on the map. They're not even close to Croatoa. They just put it on there That'd be so funny

It'd be so funny You'd be so funny You put CRO on there And also don't leave that little marker That says that you're under duress They'll never solve it They're gonna be thinking about this In 2,000 years

Dude this is gonna be the funniest shit ever Yeah Also give them 50 tablets And make like only two of them correct But make sure that the two of them have errors So they think they're not correct So it's one of those other 48 are correct, but

we're gonna, okay, okay guys, write the first two, and then me, Zinch, I'm gonna write the other 45 using words that you can't possibly know so no one will believe any of them. This is gonna be great. Yes, it's so Zinch-coded. This is great. We figured, we cracked

the code, dude. We know what happened to the lost colony. We did exactly the opposite. We did not crack a thing. There is no code that was cracked. That's why it's Zich-coded. Ah, fair enough, but we solved the mystery.

Zinj did it. Zinj did it. Lovely. Told you to be a short episode. You know what? It was kind of short episode. And us babbling here is going to make it longer, so perhaps we should give Shia a break. Oh, fine. Oh, fine, fine.

Go ahead. End the episode, why don't you? End the episode in Japanese, Bricky. I don't know how to say that. You can't even say Sayonara? That's just a good book. It's not really an ending episode. Goodbye.

Sianada. That's so hard. Bitch.