Adeptus Ridiculous - VAMPIRE COUNTS: RESTRAINT IS FOR MORTALS! | Warhammer Fantasy Lore

Episode Date: March 16, 2025

https://www.patreon.com/AdeptusRidiculoushttps://www.adeptusridiculous.com/https://twitter.com/AdRidiculoushttps://shop.orchideight.com/collections/adeptus-ridiculousThe Vampire Counts are amongst the most legendary factions of Vampires to have ever terrorized the civilized lands of the Old World, all of whom are members of the unholy von Carstein bloodline. The government, nobility and the patriotic citizenry of the Empire consider the Vampire Counts to be fiends without equal. They seek only to topple the civilizations of the living and supplant them with an empire of the Undead that will reign forever as Lords of the Night.Support the show

Welcome, everybody, to the Realm of Ridiculous, the 40K's copied homework. And we're going to talk all about fantasy. I'm not quite sure if I got that joke right. That sounds about right, actually. 40K. Perfect. Excellent. Welcome to the episode, everyone.

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But if you go to Orcinate.com, just in general, you can easily find that there are two. Yes, sir, yes, ma'am. Hell yeah, brother. Hell yeah. So, D.K., tell me all about the vampires. Well, I will, how about I give you a quote first? All right, fine, fine. I'll give you a quote.

I'll pretend like it isn't basically the last faction that we have. Okay. And if you don't get the quote, it's okay. I have another one that you'll totally get. Your quote, by all means, try to stop them. I won't stand in your way. Beat them back, chop them down, hold the line, carry the day, cover yourself in glory or guts.

It makes no difference to me or to the dead for that matter. You're just postponing the inevitable lad. The lad is something that kind of threw me off a little bit. I didn't really expect the lad. Well, it's fantasy. Oh, you lied? That is very true. I know, I also know for a fact that we have more than just the vampire factions, but I did, in fact, get spoiled by the same post that showed a vampire.

And we talked about vampires last time. So I just have a good feeling it's vampires. The corpse starch tweet, got you, huh? Uh-huh. Damn, it is, it is the vampire counts. Yeah, oh, the vampire counts. The vampire counts specifically. Not just vampires, vampire counts.

I was kind of hoping you were going to get that wrong because the follow-up quote was going to be like, they must have amnesia because they forgot I'm him. And then I was sure you were going to get vampires. Okay, that would make it a little easier with the Dracula flow reference. Yeah. I will say, I thought it was the vampire courts for some reason sometimes. Yeah, I remember thinking that too.

I was like, oh, vampire courts, vampire counts. Is it vampire pirates? No, it's vampire counts. Is vampire courts a different faction? There's counts and there's coasts. So the vampire coasts are the pirates. So you can see how people would get it mixed up counts, coasts, coasts, coasts, cowlg, blah, blah. Yeah, but neither of those are courts.

No, they're not. But like, you know, when you start mixing them up, it's counts, coast, courts, you know, they've all got kind of the same sound. But anyway, so if you remember in the Tomb Kings episode, we did touch kind of on how like vampires were created. I'm not going to go over the whole lineage again just to save time. But basically, Nagash makes elixir of life. It gives you proper immortality. When he's forced to flee, one of his agents, I don't know exactly how to say it's dubbed Wasoran.

is sent out. He starts mentoring the queen of Lamia, Neferata. She starts studying dark arts when they're commanded to destroy the books of Nagash. They're like, you know what? Nah, let's steal one of them. And they steal the one that tells them how to make the elixir of life. They try to make the elixir of life. Oopsie poopsie. Nagash isn't here to oversee the creation of the elixir. We kind of sort of screwed it up. So we, we, we, We got made into immortals, but we got made into immortal blood-sucking vampires. Man, they got to stop messing with the gash's stuff. Yeah, they really do.

But it's so powerful. It's so strong. Even Nagash doesn't want them to mess with the gash's stuff. Yeah. And another thing is that when you are creating new vampires, you've got your blood kiss. And the ritual of turning someone into a vampire. Nobody knows exactly what it is because the ritual's different from like

vampire to vampire. And then the ritual's a little different than other like fantasy vampires. So the blood of Neferata is in every vampire's veins because she's like the first vampire. And the more it spreads, the more vampires you make, the weaker and thinner the bloodline gets.

So as you make more and more vampires, the vampires kind of slowly get weaker and weaker because the blood is getting thinner and thinner. And apparently, sometimes the blood kiss, it doesn't even work. And it sort of just turns you into, um, possum has it in these notes as it turns you into like sort of a blank null almost where you're maybe not immortal, but maybe people get a little uneasy around you. Um, or it can make them so strong that they actually rebel. against the vampire that turned them

and they kind of just take them out. Anywho, so there's this place called Drachenhoff, which is the capital of Silvana, place in the empire. The Count of Drachenhoff is a just charming fellow named Otto von

Drack, part of a line known as the Mad von Dracks. The what? The mad von Drax Charming has heavy air quotes around it When I say he's a charming fellow They're heavy air quotes Because the Von Drax

Absolutely Awful rulers Terrible rulers They are Oh wait yes Sylvania The vampire place is called Sylvania Oh I said Sylvania didn't I

Well, Transylvania. Sorry. Sylvania. Yeah. Transylvania. I read it a little bit as Sylvania because I was kind of a little warcraft coated in my brain right there. Also, I have to be 100% honest with you until Shai said, hey, Bricky, the vampire place is called Sylvania. It did not click in my brain, Transylvania.

That one is like really egregious. I'm not going to lie. Yeah. Actually, it is. pretty me on my third watch of nose ferrat too hmm damn damn but yeah so they're in sylvania

and the von drach's terrible leaders all of them auto von drack no different not great at their duties they are prone to inbreeding but a lot of that is because they're very paranoid rulers because sylvania is

is kind of this cursed land to begin with And we'll talk about why it's cursed in a little bit. And the inbreeding was because they have this kind of fear of leaving the castle. Because the land is so cursed, they're humans. I'm pretty sure there's undead and sickness running around. So their fear of leaving the castle leads them to inbreeding. The blood is thin. They're exceptionally prone to sickness.

they didn't send any sons on their crusades. Specifically, there was a big crusade in Arabi that they didn't send any of their sons to be part of. And they are literally the only, the only noble house that does not send their sons on this crusade. And Otto is such a piece of work that when he is drunk, he's literally like, me, I'm such a good ruler. I'm Sigma Reborn, buddy.

that's me, that's me. And may not come as a huge surprise, but most noble figures in the reason just, they flat out ignored him. If he gave them a command, they were just like, yeah, whatever, dude. I'm not listening to you.

You're an idiot. Really? He just was like, nah. Doesn't that carry consequences because he's like the dude? He's a really incompetent leader. And so it might also be, because they're so paranoid,

they're bad leaders, they never leave the castle, they probably, like, you know. And he disrespects them right back to because he knows, he knows everybody kind of hates him. He knows everybody's going to disrespect him. And so he's kind of a prick right back to them. Okay, all right, fair. But like, I just, I don't know. I mean, I feel like he would, he needs things to get done, so to speak. Yeah, I guess he's just a, he's just a bad ruler.

He's just not good at anything he does. But Otto Von Drak not doing well. And he is basically sick on his deathbed and he is clinging to life. He is clinging to life because his daughter still not married, still doesn't have an heir. And if he dies, it means his brother Leopold, who Otto is a useless, waste of of flesh um but leopold is like even worse auto is like oh my god this guy's even more useless than i am there's no way i can die and give all of my county to this absolute tool bag and he even mentions like man i would much rather marry my daughter isabella off to a

demon, then to die and let Leopold take over. And as if, as if the warp heard him, wouldn't she believe it, why a dark, ominous carriage being pulled by these black stallions pulls up to the world? No. Don't tell me that the carriage was empty. No, no, there is a mysterious noble that comes from this. from this black carriage and is introduced to Otto and his daughter as Vlad Concarstein.

Okay. Yeah, no, it's fine. Vlad Vaughn Carstein. Sorry, I don't know why I said Con Carstein. So we got Vlad von Karstein. We got Von Drack and now we have Vlad. Mm-hmm. I mean, you got the carriage, which immediately gave me Nosephratu vibes, right?

Oh, so much so. And just Dracula too. Like when Renfield is first taken to Dracula's castle, he's in this really ominous, like, evil carriage being pulled by Black Stallions too. All right, we're really, we're doing it. We're doing it. We're doing it. Even better, Vlad just completely ignores Leopold.

And he is giving Leopold all of this attitude. And when he's introducing himself, he's like, like, oh, of course, I am me, introductions, yes, I'm Vlad von Karstein, I'm the eldest of my family of the Karstein's, but you, Leopold, a pedestrian little bitch like you

wouldn't know that. And he's just disrespecting Leopold at every turn. Sleigh, man. Yeah. And what Vlad was doing in the area, there is a quote from a book that I was given, though, it was sort of like,

it's a nice little telling of like, you know, how it was when he showed up. So the castle gate swung open on its hinges before any man at arms could touch it. The visitor was revealed

and as one, the baying guard dog ceased to howl and slunk away. The stranger was tall, darkly handsome, and of noble bearing an aspect. No one stayed his entry as he marched directly

to the Count's chamber. The newcomer's accent was foreign, perhaps from Kislev or even further afield. He named himself as Vlad von Kirstein and recited his noble antecedents to the Count. He then claimed the wide-eyed Isabella's hand in marriage, looking into the stranger's cold, dead eyes, the Count perhaps regretted his rash oath, but before he knew it, he had given his blessing nonetheless. Ah, you're done too far. You're gone too deep.

He gone too deep But to be fair Otto sees Vlad and he's like Whoa He is this like charming noble He despises Leopold He comes from a pretty good line And he's like you know what?

Yeah I like you know what You should have my blessings You should marry my daughter Isabel because you know He's got this air of power to him This air of nobility to him And he's like you know what

It sure beats Leopold You know, why not? Why not? It sure beats the other guy. Yeah, this is a great alternative and I'm about to die. And so at some point they're like, Isabella, what do you think? And she's, she's enamored by Vlad. She also senses he's got this crazy power welling up inside of him.

And she's like, okay, okay. Show me how much you love me, though. I want, I want kind of like maybe a token, you know, just show me. And do you know what Vlad does to show Isabella how much he loves her? I have no clue. He turns to Leopold, plucks his heart out of his chest, and then throws him out the goddamn window. Have you ever seen the Grand Budapest Hotel? I have not.

It's a part where Jeff Goldblum, or Wilm Defoebvre just like throws a cat out the window. And then Jeff Goldblum is like, did he just throw my cat out the window? And this is the first thing I think of it. Wait, so he plucks his heart out and then throws him out the window. Yeah, he plucks Leopold's heart out of his chest, then throws Leopold, no heart, just whoop, just defenestrates him. And they defenestrates. Listen, you don't often get a chance to use the word defenestrate, but when you do, you take it. That is perfectly fine.

Also, they say chivalry isn't dead. And then Vlad presents the heart of Leopold. pole to Isabella, who must just be soaking wet after that display of love, but she claims she doesn't need a heart that no longer beats. And, you know, sorry, shy. And after such a romantic introduction, a ceremony is indeed held where Vlad is married to Isabella. Vlad does become the sole heir to Otto's throne and pretty much right after the two are wed

Otto just dies in his bed and Possum does a really good job and he did a bit of digging and he actually found that the heart

might represent something a bit more symbolic than like just a gesture of love so we actually found the book and he found the description of like that scene. So it goes, Isabella joined him at the broken window, linking her fingers with his slick with her uncle's blood.

But for the blood, the gesture might have been mistaken for an intimate one. Instead, it hinted at the darkness inside her. By taking his hand, she was claiming him and the life he offered every bit as much as he was claiming her and the power her heritage represented. The power. Somewhere in the night a wolf howled. It was a haunting lament made more so by the wind and the rain. It sounds so lonely.

It's missing its mate. Wolves are one of the few creatures that mate for life. It will know no other love. It is the creature's curse to be alone. Isabella shivered drawing Vlad closer to her. Let's have no more talk of loneliness. Rising onto tiptoe, she kissed the man who promised to give her everything her heart desired.

Mm. Mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. And so obviously, like Vlad is doing this for, like we said, he's doing it for the power. He wants the power of Otto von Drack. He wants to be the Count of Sylvania. And even though it starts off that way, he and Isabella actually become quite in love with each other.

like they actually desperately fall in love with each other and are like just genuinely a good couple. They're a good fit. So much so that Isabella actually wanted Vlad to turn her into a vampire. She wants the blood kiss. She wants to be with him literally for eternity. And Vlad, who genuinely loved her back, was like, nope, I'm not turning you into a vampire.

It might seem glamorous. to be an immortal vampire that doesn't have to worry about age, but like being a vampire is a curse. You got to drink blood, you got to constantly kill people, it is not glamorous, you know, you can only come out at night. No, I actually love you and I don't want you to have to endure that. But as luck would have it, well, for Isabella, not so much Vlad, she would actually come down with a horrible and incurable disease, an incurable sickness.

That would, by turning her into a vampire, keep her alive, I assume. Yep. Doctors claim there was basically no saving her and that her heart had actually stopped beating. Naturally, Vlad is like, um, hey, Doc, don't worry about it. I'll take care of my sick wife. I've got some holistic home remedies that I think will help. He didn't actually say that, but you get the idea. And wouldn't you know it, three days later, Isabella shows up and is completely cured.

She's never looked better. She's the picture of health. Looks a little pale, though. Bessay, maybe a little pale, got a weird bandage on her neck, but, you know, past that. Yeah, it looks a little pale, and, you know, we only see her by the moonlight. we only see her at nighttime. Oh, well, whatever. She looks phenomenal.

Easy peasy. Yeah, easy peasy. Lemon squeezy, right? And that is Isabella's model in Total War Warhammer that shy just posted. She kind of do be slaying a little bit. She absolutely be slaying, for sure.

She do be looking a little pale, a little pinkish, I would say. Yep, definitely. But she actually do be slaying. That she do. She absolutely do. Let there ever be wine and blood and slaughter. Restraint is for mortals.

Isabella von Kerstine. What a good lord. She's a vampire. What are you going to do? I just, wait, I'm sorry. That line goes so hard. Restraint is for mortals. Damn.

That's a tagline. That's a good one. Hell yeah. But other really strange stuff started to happen too. people suddenly like start just like disappearing in the night. There were rumors that the dead were rising from their graves and like these risen dead were attacking people. But curiously, the dead were only attacking people

who went against Count Vlad and even stranger. How curious, how curious. Yeah, so curious. And it seemed like anybody who was loyal to Vlad was not attack. by the dead and would never disappear. Crazy coincidence, right? Hmm. Another thing to note is that at the beginning,

a lot of, like, the nobility and the citizenry kind of were a little leery of Vlad, not because he's a vampire, but because everyone just assumed he was going to be, like, Otto. They were like, oh, great. Yeah, Vlad, he's probably just going to be another Von Drag, we're screwed again, uh, gross,

ate it. But Vlad was actually doing like, he was a really good leader for Sylvania. He rebuilt the states, he was working on the infrastructure and just generally doing good stuff.

But he was doing this good stuff because specifically it says this in one of the codexes. It's quoted as saying, the count cherished his tenants as a peasant family cherishes a beast. They are fattening for the midsummer feast. All right.

So the people underneath these vampires are not having a good time. So at the moment, they probably are because, like, he's, he's treating them well. But the idea here is that he's treating them so well because he wants to prop them up so we can knock them down. He is, he is essentially, you know, like a pig that's, getting fattened up for supper. It's like, oh, the feast. Oh, my God. My life is so good. And then so at the moment,

it's fine. They're just like, wow. You know, Vlad's doing good stuff. You know? Hmm. I'm just, it's vampires. It's vampires. Of course.

It's vampires. Yeah, the, the, the, the, the peasants in Slovenia probably live a lot better than the peasants of Brotonia right now. Absolutely. Well, Peasant's Britonia, we would discuss that last time. Their lives are shit. Yeah, their lives are, if you're a peasant,

I don't think there's any worse place to be a peasant than in Britonia, right? What about the Tomb Kings? Oh, well. Because aren't you just like an undead skeleton? Yeah, you kind of are. Yeah. But Bertonia doesn't really suck. The attorney does that does suck.

There's a different kind of suck in this one. Mm-hmm. All right. All right. Well, I mean, I get, I don't know. I'm surprised that they're living as well as they are. My immediate thought is that this will go very bad very soon. Well, you know what?

Let's keep talking, right? Let's keep talking. So, suspicion does start to arise because Vlad's reign as count is lasting literal generations. He and Isabella are having generational reigns. Like, it's getting to the point where old women are recanting tales of Vlad

and Isabella reigning when they were little girls and how their grandmother told them stories of Vlad and Isabella reigning. And then their great-great-grandmother was telling them stories. And they were like, huh, they've been around for a while, haven't they? Like, peasants often do die off pretty quickly, but, like, even still, they were like, man, they've been around for quite a while. Something weird is going on here.

And as more and more people get suspicious, witch hunters start showing up because they're like, that does seem a little fishy. Maybe there's some dark magic at work here, because, mm, you know? but every witch hunter that shows up suddenly just where did they go? Ah, the Kattachin commissar method. Yeah, yeah. And then so as I'm reading up on the vampire counts, I also see mention that there is a fatal sickness like that which killed Otto and Isabella that starts plaguing Sylvania.

people are dying in droves Graveyards are filling to the brim The nobility are hit by it too But shock of all shocks It seems that when it happens to the nobility Suddenly man All of these pale Long-Livid nobles

Start popping up and it seems like Every noble house now has This just They got some pale guy That just seems to live Forever some pale guy some pale guy he just doesn't go outside much

he only comes out at night he's such an introvert me when I walk into my local 40K tournament we're full of nothing but but vampire court leaders here pale white dudes as far as the eye can see would hang now the question I had

is I didn't know if Vlad was actually behind this somehow because obviously the more people that die, he benefits from it greatly. It's giving him so many corpses. It's giving him so many undead thralls that he could potentially use. Like, is it just a coincidence

that it's getting hit by fantasy black plague? And so I asked Possum for a little clarification and here's sort of the answer that they gave me. It was that in the very early days of Sylvania, like centuries before the Vondrocks Warpstone shards apparently fell on the land. You remember warpstone, the stuff the Skaven used. Yeah, and you blow up the moon, and you blow up the moon.

Exactly, which we'll talk about the cursed moon a little later too. But all that warpstone falling on Sylvania actually resulted in the dead, rising and conquering the province. the dead were like clashing with the stave in they were aimlessly wandering around they were just indiscriminately like destroying the land landscape of sylvania is littered with like bodies and gore the entire event is actually referred to as the black death wow wouldn't you know it and in in sylvania eh yeah yeah and the lands of sylvania never really recover from this. And as the cursed lands, they drew evil sorcerers

who could study their arts without any conflict. And Sylvania is kind of sort of like left to rot a little bit. So that's sort of where the, oh, this land is cursed. This is why we're scared to leave the castle. We're just mortals.

What are we, you know? And so the past history of Sylvania, of like it being like oh god there's undead stuff everywhere there's there's there's all of course there's plague and death all the warpstone that used to be here um it actually makes for a really good cover for everything that vlad is doing in sylvania for all of his sort of vampire shenanigans um so when when we say that oh yeah uh isabella like this person fell ill like Isabella, it's actually quite clear that Vlad is infecting people and he's using Isabella's sickness as a cover for it.

Well, that's not at all surprising in the slightest, but right, gotcha. But yeah, I needed a little confirmation on that because it was like I couldn't find anything on it and Possum was looking through books and it's like, yeah, the mysterious illness that struck Isabella result in her becoming a vampire. The other noble families were also struck by illness, kind of like Isabella. And it's like, well, okay, thank you, Vlad. Good to know that you're the one doing all the stuff you're doing. Vlad, that funny guy.

What a silly, goofy guy, right? Also, naturally, the worship of the sort of old world god pantheon was, dying out. People that were attending the temples had kind of lost the will to keep worshipping because it was like, well, I don't think our gods are welcome here. Everyone is dying. Oh, no. Priests are driven out of town.

And if you have no priests, that means that no one is there to do funeral rights. No one is there to do burials. And the dead are literally just piling up on the streets, piles of dead bodies on the road. And then, kind of out of nowhere, well, I guess not nowhere, Mordheim, capital of a place called Ostermark, just gets absolutely leveled by a warpstone meteor. Nice. We're the rats.

Warpstone meteor just comes down and it destroys half the city. kills most of its inhabitants. The city is still standing, but it is basically just ruins. I'm immediately doing, do you know, the, the, this is nothing to do with the Skaven, correct? I know. Damn it. I mean, if you said, like, a warp storm meteor has hit them versus, like,

the Scavian have launched a warp storm meteor at them, both are completely acceptable statements. I would totally believe that it was like, oh, yeah. you know, the Skaven just launched a warpstone nuke. They were just testing out to see if it would work. Oops, sorry, we blew up your city. I'm totally believe it. I can see the, I can see the ratch as being like, hmm, what if I, like, pull these two atoms apart?

Yeah, but you know what the problem is? You know how you know it's not the Skaven. How's that? There were no Skaven in Mordheim. There were no Skaven casualties. You can't have a proper Skaven explosion without killing Meeves. mass amounts of your own kind, right? No, no, no, you see, they were doing the, um,

crap, I forget the movie, Dr. Strangelove? Sure. The guy riding on the bomb. Oh, yeah. I think that is Dr. Strangelove. Yeah, yeah. All the rats were on the media.

They just got vaporized when they landed. I could see that one, too. This gave him with cowboy hats in hand, like just, yeah, ha! You get it. Amazing. Can we use our powers of good to make some artist draw that? That's a great one.

Anyway, also at this point, Warpstone isn't super crazy, well understood. People know that it has magical powers. People know that there's some funny stuff to it. But they're just like, it's pretty much every faction is fighting over Warpstone. Every faction wants warpstone. There's something funky about it. There's some crazy, magical aura to it. The Imperials are constantly funding mercenary expeditions into the ruins,

get more warpstone. I think they believe they can use it for medicinal purposes or something. But Vlad is also no different. He's sending all of his creepy little ghouls and minions in there. Harvest as much. harvest as much of this warpstone as you can, please. And so on the eve of this very special night, I'm going to try and pronounce this.

I don't know if I'm going to get it. Gahemnisnacht? Well, it has knocked in it, so I got that part. It means night. I know that part. Docchins. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. But on this night, Vlad decided to make his move.

And if you're curious what Gemniznacht is, it's imagine sort of like a fantasy Halloween because that big warpstone moon that we talked about in the Skaven episode, and we talked about a little earlier, it's called Morslieb. That warpstone moon is only full like twice a year. And when that moon is full, the sort of boundary between the material world and the warp,

the fucked up realm of chaos, it gets thin. And some weird stuff happens on those nights. And on Gahemnestnacht, it's like, ooh, shut your doors, don't go outside, the freaks come out at night, right? And it is on the eve of a night called Hecchisnacht, which is the night. of mysteries. There's a lot of, I guess, Hey, hey, DK. Yeah.

Knock knocked. Who's there? Who's there, Bricky? I didn't expect to get this far. Like, favorite knock knock joke is being like, hey, guys, I have a great knock knock joke. And it's like, oh, what is it? It's like, okay, start.

And they're like, oh, knock knock. And it's like, who's there? Anyway. Oh, that's pretty good. That actually is pretty good. because everybody knows how the joke stars. Anyway, so on the eve of this sort of hellish green moon, Vlad is like, wow, guys, I've noticed that there's still a lot of very not-dead nobles running around.

And while that's totally cool, I'd like to invite all of you to this very non-threatening festival, which is also called The Dance of the Dead. And even though this sounds like, wow, why? would anybody show up to this thing? Like, he's inviting you to a Gahemnis-Khanc'nacht, Dance of the Dead, Night of the Dead. Why would anybody show up to this thing? And it's kind of like what we mentioned, where it's like, you know, everybody wants to be loyal to Vlad. Because if you're not loyal to Vlad, something weird happens to you.

You vanish in the middle of the night. You get attacked by zombies. Or you just straight up get killed. So when Vlad is like, hey, guys, come to this festival. Pledge your loyalty to me. Of course you're going to show up. Vlad's throwing a party. This is how you've survived the whole time anyway. Yeah, sure.

I'll show up to Vlad's crazy Halloween party. Why not? Ain't no party like my grandma's tea party. Hell yeah, brother. And so as the night progresses and everyone gathers in the throne room, in a complete shock to everyone listening, Vlad orders all entrances, entrances and exits to be seen. And you guessed it, he kills every living thing in the throne room.

But are vampires living? Oh, well, these are like the people that have gathered for Gahemnisnacht are the last remnants of like people that are like still alive. Like the nobility that's like still living and stuff like that. So these people are actually getting killed. except for two survivors. Also, it should be noted that I say that they were killed, but apparently one of the books describes the massacre as death. This death offered by Von Karstein's vampires was not pretty.

It was bloody and wretched. There would be nothing left to buy but bones. So the Survivors was one of Vlad's loyal servants. His name is Alton Gans. Alton Gans, such a loyal servant that he was like, hey, you know, I kind of know what you're planning here. And I want no part of this. Nope, don't want it. Don't want it at all.

And a witch hunter who had been hunting a vampire who had killed his wife named Stefan Fisher. Also important to note, Stefan's brother-in-law, John Skellen, his name is, was in attendance and was killed. And if you're wondering, well, okay, Alton Gans was like just a very loyal servant. But how did Stefan survive? Apparently, what Stefan did was like, well, everybody's dying, so I'm going to hide under a bunch of corpses. and I am going to just play dead and hope, hope to God, hope to God that nobody finds me. And apparently it is described in a book as like,

there were so many bodies, so many body parts that he is slithered under the bodies of all of these dead people and he has just caked himself up in as much core as he possibly can. And the reason he survives is because so many dead bodies and so much gore that the vampires get too full of eating gore and drinking

blood that they're just full. We can't eat anymore, guys. I'm just, I'm so uncomfortably full. I couldn't eat another bite of human flesh. I guess we'll just leave. And so he was just lucky enough to be underneath the currently

feasting vampires. Yes. when they just happened to get full. If they were just like never-endingly hungry, they would have eventually gotten to them. But apparently they're like, oh, I'm so full. Let's just start looting corpses instead. What a damn like, what a gamble to play in that situation. Yeah, well, I mean, when there's a literal mountain of dead bodies,

is it really a, right? Is it really a gamble? Well, your choices were limited, yes. I will say that. Yeah, true, true. but the knight is still young and Vlad's real goal was to use one of the books of Nagash

along with all the warpstone he collected in order to raise an army of the dead and when Vlad's when when Vlad reveals his true goal he he reveals it to Alton Gans and this is the literal excerpt from the book and And so it goes, you would that it stays the way that it is, the way that it's always been,

with my kind forced to hide from daylight, vilified by the stupid masses, hunted by fools with steaks and garlic cloves like wild animals, fit for nothing but slaying. No, Gans repeated. He was visibly trembling. Still, he held his hand out as though he was truly expecting the vampire count to surrender the incantation without unleashing its curse on the world. Are you afraid, Gans?

Are you afraid of a world full of the risen dead? Are you afraid that they will see you as I see you as meat? And after this moment, Gans is just like, hey, could you turn me into a vampire? Like, please? Yeah, you're right. I don't want that. I don't want to just, I don't want to just look like a meal. Please, please turn me into a vampire.

And Vlad's like, nah, I won't. I knew it. He's going to be like, no, no, no, no. I need someone to act as my voice to the living. I need someone to act as my diplomat to the living. So you're going to stay alive. Tee, t-he, t-he. And also, fun fact, Stefan makes it out of the whole ordeal alive

because Vlad does go through with this ceremony, with this book of Nagash, all this warpstone and and the dead start rising uh everyone that had been killed in the throne room starts rising up like zombies right and they all start marching out the the uh the throne room doors are unsealed every and so what stephan does is he sees all this happening and he stands up and he's like uh and he starts acting like he's dead he starts acting like he too is a zombie. What a baller this guy is. So, and he just walks out. He just, oh, yep, and he even goes as far as stealing one of Vlad's horses to escape. Well, okay, I, this is,

I don't know if this is meant to be like comedic in the situation, but this is extremely funny. I thought the same thing. And apparently, according to Possum, when Vlad revived the dead with the Book of Nagash. Apparently he just did this really dramatic scream into the sky and then the dead started to rise and Possum was like, yeah, it's very, it's very thriller, apparently, where he's like, ah, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, and everybody just starts racing from the dead. I wonder if the thriller dance is like going to be lost on the younger generation soon because of how much, how old it's getting. I hope not. Like that thriller is, thriller is and should always be timeless, right?

When do you think Michael Jackson died? Don't. Please don't. Please don't. I'm looking it up. I'm looking at. Oh, it's so much worse than you think. I want to say it may be like 2007. Oh, okay. You overcorrected it a little bit. It was 2009. Oh, it was still. Close. Which is still really bad.

2009, that was just a few years ago, Brigg, what are you talking about? He passed away before Mass Effect 2 came out. Oh, man. Sorry, I'm taking poison damage. Yep, definitely. All right. Anyway. The next problem for Stefan is while he's making his getaway,

he actually does get caught by some vampires that are patrolling the area. And it was like, oh no, man, I got caught. Shit, they're going to kill me so bad. I'm going to get reunited with my dead wife in the Great Beyond. It's over for me, brother. But as fate would have it, he would be saved by some troops from a person named Countess Otilla. I think she is from a place called Talibaclan. which is very tough to say.

It's an elector province we mentioned in the Empire episode. But anyway, so they rescue him. And when Stefan gets, you know, saved, he's like, oh my God, you guys, you'll never believe what happened. Vlad, that guy over there, Vlad,

holy shit, he's a vampire. He has an undead army. Holy moly, you have to stop him. Please, oh God, oh God, look at what he did. Let me tell you what he did. And so Attila's army is like, oh, okay, yeah, we do need to stop them. And so they marched to this place called Essen Ford, where the first battle of the first vampire wars would take place. And so the vampires, in a sense, have, or at least Vlad, has an army of the dead.

Yes, he has a big army of the dead. Gotcha. Okay, so that's where the vampire counts. Because I remember them having like an undead army of sorts, but I was like, isn't that supposed to be the tomb kings because skeletons? There's a lot of undeads shenanigans, yeah. So this is zombies. Yeah, this is zombies and vampires.

Gotcha. Zombies and vampires. So zombies and vampires as well as like Egyptian kings or pharaohs and skeletons. Yeah, yeah, yep, yep. I guess they would have skeletons too because zombies, undead, you can still raise a skeleton. Yeah. They'd be on their way to skeletons, I guess. And yeah, the battle at Essend Ford is pretty much a one-sided beat down, as you would imagine, because one of them is an undead army and the other is mortal humans.

And being mortal is stupid. Yeah, so dumb, so dumb. Imagine. And Stefan would actually be killed. He was killed by his now vampiric brother-in-law. His brother was killed. raised as a vampire, and I believe they actually gave his brother-in-law

a choice of who he wanted to kill, and he's like, I'm killing my brother-in-law, and he gets killed. That's kind of funny, though. Yeah, but Vlad makes kind of a big mistake. So after the S&4, just massacre, basically, he wanted somebody left alive to spread a message of fear. He wanted everyone to know that his vampirium,

army was coming. He wanted someone to flee from the battle and be like, oh my God, vampires are coming. And so he did leave the human commander of the opposing forces alive. And he's like, hey, choose someone. Who do you want to live and who do you want to spread the message? I'll let you pick. And the commander was like, no, I refuse to choose who lives and who dies. I'm not doing it. So Vlad's just like, fine. You won't do it. I will, the youngest prisoner I've got is going to go free and spread the message. And so the youngest prisoner starts fleeing. And it kind of distracts Vlad a little bit.

He's like, ah, look at that silly little thing go. And just that moment of distraction was all it took for the human commander to grab Vlad's sword and in one quick motion, slice Vlad's head clean off of his shoulders. Oh, does that kill him? One of Vlad's support subordinates A vampire named Herman Posner Who is unquestionably The current strongest vampire allied with Vlad

Is like, oh, damn it And he quickly kills the commander Cuts his head off too. Heads are literally rolling. Ferris Manus would be so proud. Hey, mark off your bingo card. check. But yeah, so

Herman's just like, well, I mean, you know, Vlad is gone. I should probably succeed him. You know, I should, I, why not me? I am obviously the current strongest. So, you know what?

I'm taking over. And he starts this absolutely brutal rise to ascension where he is killing and brutalizing anyone who opposes him. him or doesn't fall in line with him. One small problem, however, is he has no idea what happened to Vlad's body.

He didn't find it. Apparently, Alton Gons had recovered the body. He took it and he was like, oh, God, I can't believe, I can't believe he's gone. I can't believe he's gone. He got ahead of himself. But Herman wanted one last thing because he had pretty much gotten the entire control of the undead army. Everyone had fallen in line.

But one last thing, he really wanted to cement his position. He wanted Isabella. Oh. He wants Isabella. He wants Vlad's wife. And currently, Isabella is not in a great mental place. Because Glad's dead? Yeah, she is not coping.

with Vlad being dead very well. She is, it is described as she's just lost to hysterics. She is hysterical, which makes sense because, again, they did genuinely love each other. They were with each other for generations. But Herman, he kind of grabs her, parades her out in front of his men, and is like, yo, this Isabella is mine now. Do any of you fuckers have a problem

with that. Does Isabella have a problem with it? Of course she does. She's still hysterical. She barely knows what's going on. Oh, okay. So she's in hysteric. She's not currently in the moment or the availability to be like, hey, fuck off. Yeah. Gotcha. But after after he says this, there's one voice that did decide to challenge Herman. It's getting closer and closer. It's kind of a familiar voice. it is Vlad von Karsstein himself. The rumors of his demise had been greatly exaggerated. And while it's true that his head was sliced

clean off of his shoulders, Vlad von Kirstein has, he has what is known as the Karsstein ring. And this old family heirloom, this old signet ring, it grants him genuine, honest to God, immortality. So long as he has the ring on.

So long as he has the ring on. Okay. So he just literally cannot die. He cannot die. He is genuinely immortal. I wonder, does, I mean, I know this is, this goes against the whole point of the entire thing. But I am a little curious because normally whenever there's a thing like that, people start

doing weird logistics. And they're like, well, what if you cut his handoff? does he no longer have the ring, therefore can he be killed? And there's always questions like that, which goes against the point because then you're just kind of taking the fun out of it. Yeah.

But I do assume that just like so long as that thing is on his person, it's just like, hey, stab me in the chest, cut my head off, blow my body into pieces. This is my last resort. I was about to say, cut my life into pieces. Yep. So, and then he'll just be fine. Yeah, there is some debate as to whether or not

this is a ring that was like made by Nagash and given to like, um, uh, this person named, uh, Vashanesh, which I think is like the greatest vampire warrior ever, one of the older ones.

Um, there, because they had like a little, they had a ring that was kind of like that, but apparently the Karstein ring maybe looks a little more contemporary. So maybe it's like, maybe it's a copy that Nagesh made. Maybe it's not.

So there's some debate as to like, the ring's exact origins, but for the purposes of this episode, Karstein Ring makes the vampire immortal. Gotcha. So, Herman and Vlad duel. And even

if Vlad wasn't immortal, he was going to wipe the floor with Herman because Vlad is just, he is him. Herman must have amnesia because Vlad is him. And so, when Vlad triumphs over Herman,

Herman was like, oh my god, dude, I'm so dead. Like, this duel is over. And he just, he just kind of willingly throws his sword away. He just hurls his sword into the crowd. And apparently, when he throws his sword away, it lands in the crowd and kills Alton Gons. Like, Alton Gons just gets cut out. Oh, Jesus, where did this come? Ah, Jesus.

Wait, really? Yeah, that's how Alton Gons dies. Herman's Chuck's. his sword and it's like, what the hell? I wasn't even gunk. Wait, Alton Gons is literally just like

a comedic. He's a slapstick background character and otherwise like hardcore. Do we have, what is his like inspiration? Alton? I feel like Alton is kind of like

your, I feel like Alton reminds me of like maybe a Renfield to your Dracula. Like, he's that loyal servant, but he's just very, like, easily replaceable, I guess. It's just the fact that, like, he's so slapsticky. It seems so bizarre. I feel like he must be a reference to some funny character in a prior something or another,

you know? Yeah, I feel like he's sort of like the, you know, like the master, the plans, master. He's just that sort of, like, little comic relief. henchman that like every evil genius kind of has, right? Yeah, but didn't he like, was he, was he, was he about to be eaten? I mean, he was supposed to be sort of the diplomat to the living for Vlad. So, uh, okay.

No, it is, it is hard to, it is hard to accept that you never can make anything. Listen, shy. I mean, we've got, we've got drag. We've got Vlad. we've got the black horse steed, we have Sylvania. I should be fully within my rights to believe that this dude is a reference to something. We also had a black plague too. We also had a black plague.

Yeah. And so with Vlad winning the duel, pretty, I'm going to say pretty easily, Vlad is about to finish the job on Herman, but Isabella stops him. But not for the reason you think. It's not because Isabella was like, oh, I actually did fall in love with Herman. I suddenly felt so sorry for him. No, no, no. She wants to kill Herman.

She wants to be the one that ends his life. And Vlad is like, baby girl, that's all you had to say. And Vlad proudly presents Isabella with his own personal sword. And she butchers Herman with no mercy. and gives him the most dishonorable death ever. A death truly worthy of that piece of shit, Herman Prasner. I don't know if Vlad can still get hard, but let me tell you. If he could, he did.

If he could, he certainly did. He is, you hope, he's bricked up. Also, that sword is ballard. Right. Vampire swords have always got to go so hard. Yeah. And so for the next like 40 years, Vlad and his undead army go on an absolute tear

dominating the empire. They're going into empire lands and they're just like unstoppable. With his actual immortality granting signet ring, Vlad cannot die. And even though during this like 40 years of going into the empire, He dies so many, dies, air quotes, so many, he gets impaled, he gets stabbed through the heart. Apparently at one point he gets- Wait! Are you telling me, Vlad was impaled? Vlad was impaled by five spears at one point, yeah.

Vlad was indeed impaired. Duck smoke. Classic. Classic. Classic. classic Vlad That's true He was the impaled

Not the impaler I'm sure in his time He has done plenty of impaling as well I was about to say Yeah and if not Against an enemy Surely Isabella right You know what I mean

If he can get hard True True Apparently he was even at one point Decapitated by a cannonball But He just rises A few days later

Every time It's just like Just a few days later, he's just like, yep, here I am. Like, I wouldn't be surprised if there was an instance of Vlad being killed and reviving in time to execute the person who killed him. It's crazy. That's just so funny. It has the meme of, you know the wrestling meme where the guy, like, the guy gets out of the coffin or he stands back up and he's like, well, no, what's the meme where, like, the big dudes is, like, staring behind the guy laughing? Ah, yeah, yeah, that is, that is A.J. styles in the front.

an Undertaker in the back. There it is, gotcha. Oh, that's the Undertaker? Yeah, I believe that's the Undertaker's last match. Oh, that's a good meme, then. It's a Boneyard match. That was, I believe that was in COVID era, and it was a pre-recorded match that they did in, like,

a little Boneyard Graveyard area. Bone size, ready. Ready? Yeah. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. And so Vlad's campaign, it's going so well. And all he's got to do,

he just needs to conquer the capital city of the empire. Altadorf. He does this, and he's essentially beaten the empire. But the walls of Altdorf are really well defended.

Like, everyone in the empire is aware of Vlad running wild. Vladimir is absolutely running wild. Latomania. Latomania. that wasn't even that funny no it wasn't I was like wow that guy well okay okay let's go

it's fine never mind so so Altdorf is like oh man we got to stock up on essential supplies you know get the harvest in we got to have plenty of food for the long haul shore up the defenses man we just make sure we're ready and while their defense is admirable admirable.

It's an undead army. They can just continue to throw themselves against the walls, batter the walls until it's just like it's looking like things are just, man, even the people in the city were just like, okay, so we're totally going to die. The empire is doomed. We're just waiting for the undead horde to break down the walls of the city and just it's over.

So the grand theogynist at the time, like the head priest type person, person named Wilhelm III, he goes into the catacombs of the city and he starts praying. And he's like, man, if anybody's listening, you know, Sigmar or whoever or Ulrich, if you're listening, man, we sure could use some help. And Wilhelm is visited by a strange man in a hooded robe. this strange man is someone named Manfred von Karstein Manfred is

essentially what Vlad would consider his eldest son which for a vampire that just means like he made them a vampire thrall He gave them the blood kiss As it were And he made Manfred Athol From what I was reading

Even before he took Drackenhoff So Manfred is like the eldest But like many vampires, Manfred is very ambitious. He's been allowed a long time. He's seen power. He wants power. But he had to figure out a way to take it from Vlad. Because Manfred is no match for Vlad.

Manfred is, he's cunning, he's pretty good with necromancy, he's pretty good like sorcerer or two. He's not weak, but he's not on par with Vlad. Manfred is a politician Vlad is the tyrant As Possum says Vlad was yoked

compared to him He was yoked And apparently Manfred's presence alone Would cause Vlad to go Into an unstoppable frenzy So this is what Manfred has to do He has to figure out some way

To dethrone Vlad Because he can't do it himself And so Manfred cloaked in his hooded robe, tells Wilhelm all about the signet ring. He tells him all about the Carstein ring that Vlad wears and how, man, this ring grants him immortality. But if you take the ring from him, the immortality goes with it. Okay, the classic. The classic, the classic.

And so Wilhelm's like, okay, I can actually work with this because they had just trawerex. the most renowned thief in their generation. A guy named Felix, I think it's Felix Mann. He was doing another heist, and they trapped him, and he's in chains, and they're like, hey, listen, Felix, Felix, we have just one of the most important tasks for you ever. we need you to steal Vlad's ring. We need you to steal his signet ring.

You can do that and we will reward you with just a crazy amount of money. You can leave the empire, start life somewhere else, fresh start for you, or you can say no and we're going to hang you until you're fucking dead. Okay. I mean, that's a good, that's a pretty good option there. Yeah, so Felix is like, yeah, you know what? You know what? Yeah, I think, I think I will do this. I think I will try to steal this ring. Absolutely. So Felix does get a little help from Manfred. So originally, Wilhelm was informed of the ring's location by Manfred. It is described as a strange hooded man. And as Felix was being armed, for this tactical mission, Felix was told, look, the hooded man that told me about the ring, he's going to help you out, okay? He's going to get you into the camp.

He's going to get you into Vlad's camp. And when Felix makes it to the camp, he's like, wow, there are like, this place is very undefended. Like, I don't, it is a little strange. And as he gets closer to Vlad's chamber, he sees the strange hooded man. And the hoodman's like, in there, he's in there with the implication. being that the strange hooded man had killed a shitload of guards

before Felix showed up and made Felix's life a lot easier. Which, Manfred. Dude, Manfred's a fucker. Yeah, Manfred, he wants what his papa's got, you know? But he ain't getting laid, that's for sure. As far as we know. Well, he ain't getting laid the way he wants to get laid.

True, true. But Felix is successful and steals the signet ring from Vlad. And when Vlad wakes up, oh, he's so pissed. He is so pissed that his ring is gone. And he is in such a mood. And he's just like, screw it. Throw everything at Alta. Throw everything.

No strategy. No games. Fire everything. And so, and this is the best part. So on the walls of Altadorf, Vlad is, Vlad is in the train. trenches, right? He's, he's fighting and he's, he's up on the walls of Altadorf. And he's like, I'm taking this goddamn city and I'm getting my fucking ring back. And he meets Wilhelm face to face. And, and they start fighting. And obviously, Vlad is overpowering the hell out of Wilhelm.

But with one last gas, Wilhelm throws himself on, Vlad grabs him, and, and they just tumble off of the walls. Like Wilhelm's like, fine, I'm taking you with me, bitch. And, uh, And normally a fall like that for Vlad, no big deal. Even without the Signet Ring, he's still a vampire. That fall, no problem. But wouldn't you know it? Wait, do I really have to wait? This is the best part, shy.

This is the best part. I'm getting like Sherlock 2 vibes with this one. Well, it's just, you know, you know, you know. Does Will, oh, does he do a will? Yes. I'm going to say yes. Wilhelm does a Wilhelm scream as he does this, absolutely, for sure. But as Wilhelm grabs him and throws both of them off of the battlements, right?

Vlad should survive this, but wouldn't you know it, they just happened to land right smack dab on a wooden stake. Oh, that's so funny. so they both die. Vlad has this very vampire dust where he's like he crumbles to dust Oh no His army crumbles to dust with him

And the empire is finally saved From the first vampire wars that almost consumed it Wait Even with the ring? Oh the ring was stolen from him Oh Felix stole it So he's more He's not immortal now

So the steak Kills them The wooden steak Just as a vampire does They can't get steak Through the heart Both of them Both of them

Yep Wilhelm dies too Oh no Manfred's still good Damn Yeah And It's funny little thing Happens with Felix

Because Felix Felix Felix never gets his reward Because he and Wilhelm Never wrote out a contract They had a verbal agreement, but Wilhelm's dead now. And everyone was like, Felix, you're a goddamn thief. You really expect us to believe that you stole the signet ring out of the, out of, you know,

to help the empire. Okay, yeah. And, oh, really, Wilhelm said you were going to get a bunch of money and you could just go free. Okay, no believe. So he doesn't get a reward. And he was like, well, fine, screw you. I am going to take the Karstein ring and I'm going to steal this book of Nagash

and ha ha ha I'm getting away, screw you. And they try to chase him down and find him. But unfortunately for Felix, Manfred finds him. Manfred corners him in the back of an alley and Felix is like, hey, Manfred, buddy, we don't have to do this. Hey, why don't I just give you the ring, this book of Nagash? We both go our ways.

It's fine, right? That'll be cool. Manfred's like, nah, I don't think so, pal. And I think he cuts off both of his hands, kills him, and he takes the Karstein ring in the Book of Nagash for himself. What a bastard. This dude is awful. Yeah, Manfred is, he's, yeah.

I really don't like Manfred. Yeah. And if you're wondering about Isabella, well, she does not take Vlad's death, real death, very well either. Apparently, she was engaged in combat with someone named Ludwig and his great swords. And when Vlad had his true death, she like, she felt it. She instinctively felt it. She was like, oh, no, oh, no, this is real. This is not like, oh, no.

and mid-combat, she throws herself on a stake and kills herself because she just cannot bear living without Vlad. Oh, geez. What the hell's happening? Vampires be dying. Vampires be dying. Now, while Vlad and his undead army might have been slain, not all the vampires were gone. Specifically, there were five vampires that had clans

claim to Vlad's heir. These vampires were named Fritz, Hans, Pieter, Conrad, and of course, Manfred. They all had the right to take the throne. They were all vampire thralls that were created by Vlad. None of them had like a greater claim than the other. And if they weren't vampires and they could all have just worked together and made one massive vampire force, they probably would have crushed the empire, probably. But that's just not how vampires work.

They didn't want to share. One of them wanted it more than all the others, so they spend like another 40 years fighting each other for sole leadership while unfortunately giving the empire plenty, plenty of time to re-bolster their ranks. Because at this point, the empire is crippled. Vlad did a number on the empire.

So the infighting, of his sons is just like the empire's like, oh, thank God. Oh, Jesus. 40 years so we can re-bolster our stuff and, oh, great. So in that time, Fritz is just kind of killed in combat. Hans tries to fight Conrad, but according to the codex, Hans perished when Conrad instigated a quarrel with him over who was the toughest and then slew him and cut him into pieces.

Pete, go ahead. What's with this red wedding thing? Everyone is dying. It's dying, yeah. Pieter was killed in his coffin by a witch hunter who, apparently it's assumed that Manfred was like, man, I got to get rid of these jerks. How am I going to get rid of Pieter?

Manfred helped the witch hunter find and kill Pieter, helped him, directed him right to his coffin, right where he could find him. And now Pieter's dead. And then Manfred just kind of vanishes. He just kind of, it's like, where's Manfred? I don't know. So the only one left now is Conrad.

And Conrad is a bloodthirsty savage. Like Conrad before he was turned into a vampire was known as a bloodthirsty savage. Getting turned into a vampire intensified that by like 20-fold. And Conrad, not a great leader, because he doesn't really want to be a leader. This man just wants to kill.

He wants to fight. He wants to drink blood. He has no interest in leading. The other problem he has is he has basically no talent or skill for necromancy. Like, he can do a little bit, but it's not very great. So anytime he comes across a magician, sorcerer, whatever, he has to enslave them. He has to use them for their magic

so that he can have an undead army. So, Conrad, much to the chagrin of the empire, starts the second vampire war. Because he's like, well, I've claimed everything my dad has. Now it's time for me to go kill shit. and so he starts going ham on the empire he runs into a group called the blood knights which are more or less kind of just like your vampire knights

and I think I've seen the blood oh yeah there they are it looks super cool oh that's a picture of Conrad that shy oh that's Conrad that's Conrad he's a ball or two but Blood Knights very similar that looks like what I would think a blood night would look like you know and these Blood Knights are descended from a person named Abarash,

who is like one of the earliest vampire, is very early vampire and one of the strongest vampires ever. And these blood knights are very strong. From what I saw online, they are, they're nigh indestructible, and they are comparable to the grail knights we talked about in the Britonia episode. The Wiki claimed that they were,

stronger than grail knights but possum said that like the grail knights actually have the upper hand because grail knights have the holy aura right there they're holy knights blessed by the lady so naturally they're going to be able to

cause some serious damage to vampires because they're holy knights for God's sake. Right and I mean grail knights in particular have been known to be like the boys yes exactly And so even though Conrad is just this sort of mindless battle maniac,

he doesn't even have the slightest hint of strategy. He's doing real well for himself. He's crazy strong. His blood knights are crazy strong. It's just like, hey, we're going crazy, brother. But that's also one of his big undoings. Because his vampire war, like we said, he's not in this to become emperor.

Vlad wanted to become emperor. He wanted to become a vampiric emperor. Conrad just wants to fight. I'm not here to rule a nation. I'm just here to fight. And usually it usually ends up with him being like, oh man, my lack of planning and tactics has made this battle turn on me. I have to beg and plead with my enslaved magicians to use their necromancy to turn the tides of battle.

sometimes he beats them tortures them sometimes he has to bribe them sometimes so sometimes he'll pick fights with dwarfs bad idea

because the dwarfs yeah the dwarfs have a lot of like run smiths and stuff that can actually counter necromancy and make that make all that funny undead stuff just

wither away and honestly his poor treatment of his magicians does kind of end up being his downfall because as Conrad is making an absolute mess of things for the empire they decide like you know what we're so sick and tired of this vampire shit and so all of the elector counts and like every elector count of the empire and even a bunch of dwarf lords amassed this just huge army and they're just like we're stopping him right now. Conrad has to be stopped. And while Conrad does pretty well against this gigantic force,

his mages and his magicians, they see this huge army and they're like, nope, I am so tired of this. Conrad just beats us. He's mean to us. He's a maniac. Fuck him. And they just, they flee.

They leave the battlefield. and when the mages leave the battlefield, that means there is nobody, but nobody to make sure that the undead stay where they are. His undead army just drops. They start withering away. They start disappearing. The blood knights are like, oh, damn,

shit's gone from bad to worse. We're out of here too. Fuck it. And Conrad's like, well, fine, I'll stay. And Conrad tries to use what little necrotic magic he knows to keep the undead there. But Conrad is so bad at magic that his attempt to keep his undead army going literally breaks his mind. He just goes completely mind bonkers. And he just kind of leaves the battlefield.

He kind of wanders into the forest, into like a nearby forest. And he gets ambushed by dwarfs. he was held in place by a dwarf named Gruffbald while Helmar of Marionburg which it's significant because Helmar's father was killed by Conrad so this is sort of like my vengeance and they use a run-fang sword to just eradicate every last piece of Conrad. And so Conrad's second vampire war comes to an end

Because man, that battle maniac He didn't quite cut it Nope, and he got cut So now there's only one heir to Vlad von Kirstine left Manfred Manfred's still around And Manfred is as we've seen He's probably the most dangerous of the sons of Vlad

because Manfred was more than willing to be patient, more than willing to bide his time, prepare, and then strike at the most opportune time. So when Conrad was going on his little blood-fueled second vampire war, Manfred is traveling all over the place. He's traveling back to Nehikara. He's studying necromancy. He's procuring artifacts, magic artifacts to bolster his already really strong magic.

he's going around coercing any vampires that are left that he can find he is visiting graveyards all across the empire raising more dead for his army and he is just like he is putting together a considerable force and as it so often happens with the empire uh they break into a civil war i don't know if it's because an emperor is just being an absolute shitter as it sometimes happens, but they break into a civil war and Manfred's like, oh yeah, now's the fucking time.

And he actually starts this by, he starts invading the under empire of the Skaven and he's using their underground tunnels as a way to undetectedly push into the lands of the empire. And so as he's in these

under tunnels, he's slaughtering Skaven and as the Skaven die, he is raising the dead Skaven to also be part of his undead army. I'm finally glad we got the Skaven. Yeah, we got a little scavin. Every single episode requires a little bit of scathing because they're everywhere. So what you're saying is we need just a little scavin?

Oh, like a shirt thing? Yeah, right? Just a little scaper? Eh, maybe one day. Yeah, maybe. Anyway. Very small rat holding a piece of warp stone. Absolutely.

Manfred was also very smart because he was like, you know what? I'm going to march my forces into the lands of the empire in the dead of winter. Because why not? My army's dead. We're all dead. What do we care if it's super cold or not? The empire's going to care if it's super cold or not. And this is not great for the empire because Manfred, he kind of easily cuts his way back to Altadorf,

the place where Vlad was killed. And apparently Manfred finds that Altad. is like, he's like, wow, this place is kind of poorly defended. Like, my dream of becoming a vampire emperor is like, whoa, this is a reality. I could do this. Hell yeah, brother. But there's a huge problem. The grand theogynist at the time was in possession of and had been studying something

called the Liber Mortis, which is like, aside from the book of Nagash, it is one of the most complete books on the art of necromancy. And he starts using this cursed book, and he starts reading from it. He starts reading an unbinding spell from it. And this unbinding spell makes Manfred's undead army start to crumble, wither, and die. And Manfred, even though he is on the verge of total victory, he has to retreat.

Which is also a good thing because what he didn't know, is that while Altadorf only looked undefended, there was actually a hidden army in the walls of Altadorf ready to just blow his back out if he tried something. Also, the other thing is that the empire, at least in like the big cities, they were ready for vampire attacks. They had gone through two vampire wars prior to this,

and they were like, look, if vampires attack us against, Again, brother, we have the best anti-vampiric tactics you can get because we have seen this song and dance enough goddamn times. So, Manfred, after being forced to retreat, he starts working his way down the coast towards this place called Marianburg. We've talked about it before. It's like the empire's big sort of trading port town. And he starts to capture vessels, fill them with undead crews,

and he's like, okay, I'm going to go through Marionburg, and I'm going to use their rivers and their coastline to really take it to the empire. But he is thwarted once again because Marionburg is completely united. They drive him off. They also have the help of the Assur. They have an archmage and a high elf archmage that's like, nope, we're not letting you do this shit. So he's driven on.

because, you know, they just drive him off. And that secret little counterattack army from Altadorf, they started chasing his ass down because they were like, no, no, no, we're not doing this again. No, we're going to find you and we're going to get you. And it seemed like this was sort of a common trend with Manfred. He was going to try and take cities, do little hit-and-run attacks, and try and do what damage he could. Like he was intentionally doing sort of this cat and mouse chase.

You know, he would attempt to try and do a new sneak tactic, catch the Empire off guard. Empire would have anti-vampire tactics, drive him off, and it was just like a cat and mouse thing. But that would end up being really bad for Manfred because the more attacks he did, the more tactical information the empire was getting, and the better they could sort of prepare their anti-vampire defenses. How typical that Manfred is going to be a sneaky bastard. Yeah, it's very typical of Manfred.

And while this seemed like an endless chase, eventually the Empire finally managed to force Manfred back to Sylvania. And it was at this point that the Empire is again like, hey, it's time for us to stop this civil war, because, you know, Manfred struck us because we were in a civil war, we were divided, so hey, listen, truce among all of us, let's unite, and let's put an end to Manfred and the vampire scourge once and for all. So they stop fighting, call a truce, and an arm, and basically, the full force of the empire

is thrown at Manfred. Full force of, and the dwarfs also send in a bunch of their armies to help because the vampires had also done them dirty in the past too. So Manfred is now staring down the barrel of the full might of the empire and the dwarfs. And Manfred kind of has home field advantage because they're in Sylvania. And he makes them trek through just like these murky swamps. right and it's like oh god it's so exhausting going through the murky swamps manfred's like i bet you you anything going through these swamps these idiots are going to get exhausted and they're going to give up

and i can start planning my my next my next cunning little trick unfortunately for manfred he didn't realize just how much the empire and the dwarfs really wanted to get rid of him and the vampires because they are relentlessly chasing him down. They don't care how exhausted they are. They don't care about the swamps or anything. They're just like, no, you are dying today.

And so they're relentlessly chasing them and Manfred's like, okay, so this isn't going to plan. I'm going to get my old, I'm going to get that old signet ring. I'm going to get the carstein ring that dad had that made him immortal

and I'm going to get it. I'm going to turn the tide of battle myself. because he had hit it in a secret location. And unfortunately, he can't find it. The ring is gone. And I posed this question to poss him because I was like, why the hell didn't Manfred have the ring on him to begin with? Like, why wouldn't you use the immortal ring from Jump Street

to just like make sure that you're always winning like dear old dad? Sorry, from Jump Street was a pretty good one. Thank you. I gave you a plus two. Let's go. Apparently, it's because Manfred was a deep narcissist. And second off, apparently the empire knew, I guess, of course, the empire knew of the power of the ring due to everything that happened in the first vampiric war. So him wearing the ring would make it like, oh, it's like, oh, shit, that's the ring.

I know about the ring. Go for the ring. Get the ring. Capture Manfred, get the ring, cut the hand off, and then beat him up. also apparently the lack of a ring would imply to onlookers that may be oh oh shoot the vampire counts

they don't even need the ring anymore like if he's brazen enough to run around without the ring shit maybe he doesn't need it right so Manfred can't find the ring and he's like oh no my back is really against the wall now

because like if they find me and they cut me down in the right way this is me dead dead um and so he's trying to get away but his ass gets chased down uh by um i think it's by i forget who it is but someone on a griffin catches him and they cut him down with a rune fang sword he gets cut down ah martin of steerland um cut him down with his rune fang sword and Manfred's corpse sinks and vanishes into the

muddy depths of the swamps of Sylvania and you would be this time for real well his body sinks into the swamps he seems dead

he seems like he's gone but his body just sinks into those muddy swamps and once they sink you can't really recover it they don't know exactly what happened to his body but it's he just he sunk he seemed dead

he sunk maybe well who knows and after this was done the count of Steerland Martin the one that cut down Manfred claimed all of Sylvania and added it to all of his domains

and nobody ever contested this or cared about it because again Sylvania was a cursed blighted land of vampires. And it is worth saying that while the whole point of this campaign was to get rid of the vampire scourge, not all of the vampires are gone. There are still vampires across Sylvania.

There are still citizens in Sylvania that remember the old counts. And they actually look back on it with great fondness from when, like, Vlad was actually doing good stuff for them. like a good leader and apparently there are some people that would welcome the vampires back like that. But there are also other people in Sylvania that still are like, it's night time, nope, bar the doors, bar the windows, hang the garlic, hang the demon bane. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, I am not going out. I rule, boy, those vampires are absolutely bullshit. Wait, I'm sorry. They are stronger than us, smarter than us,

smarter than us, live longer than us, and are far better looking than us. They are our superiors in every respect, and the taxes are lower when they rule. When they come back, I will be the first to welcome them. So, yes, some people still look back on the old counts very fondly. It's like, man, taxes were low. They were good for us. Were they eating some of us? Yeah, but you got to break a few eggs to make an omelet, brother.

That's so funny. Yeah. Wait, genuinely, it seems like even during the tough times, even with the undead army and everything, the citizenry were living a fine life. Yeah, I mean, as long as you were loyal to the vampires, it seemed like you were kind of good in their books. I mean, you were probably still eventually going to get eaten. But, you know, as long as you were loyal to them, they would probably treat you right until it was time for feasting. That's so funny to think about honest to God. Yeah.

And so is Manfred, please tell me he's gone, he's dead? Well, so the mystery. Don't you well me, D.K., don't you well me? Well, the mystery of what happened to Manfred's body, that is a question that is answered. But that's an answer that's going to take us right into end times. And that's a whole different bag of worms. I guess I could tell you what actually happens to his, but shy, do you want to tell him? because it is kind of funny and like you can know what happens to it and still go into end times.

Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Wait, wait. Actually, no. I don't want to know yet. You don't want to know yet? I would like to save all the reveals for end times.

I want to know what the hell's up with the lady of the lake. I want to know what the hell happened with Manfred. I want to know all. I want to know what happened to Sigmar. I need to know them all. Okay. Well, if that's the case, then. we have reached the end of our

vampire counts episode. Yeah, I think we can tell him how he came back without end times. I don't, Shy, could you do the specifics? Because I basically know how it happened, but I don't know the exact specifics.

Like, um, because essentially what happens is like someone gets murdered in the swamp. Somebody dies in the swamps. And like a little bit of the blood goes into like one of the trees or something and all of, and the blood goes down all of the roots into the swamp and eventually just a few trickles of that blood find their way to

Manfred's desiccating, decayed, muddy-ass corpse. And it's just enough blood to revive him. That's dumb. You should have just stayed there. It's funnier than that. Okay, great. Shai probably has the exact excerpt. I didn't read too much into it because I figured we would save that for like end times. Or it's like, do you remember, Manfred? Here's what happened to that stupid adult.

I shouldn't say stupid dult because he was cunning. He was smart. He, you know, he did things, right? He was a guy. He did things, right? Oh, you know. Yeah. Okay.

Do you want me to read or do you want to read it? I might as well read it. Oh, go for it. A necromancer by the name of Herman Stiltman, a former member of the Necromancer order of the Charnal Congress, attempted to resurrect Manfred as an act of revenge for his banishment. Just as the Necromancer was about to sacrifice a virgin's soul for his ritual, Stiltoniltern was suddenly killed by a pursuing group of hunters, of which included the famous duo Gottschrick and Felix. Let's go! As the hunting party, foolishly left his body intact instead of burning it, the blood of the necromancer dripped loose. loosely from his corpse and flowed into the roots of a tree under which Manfred's body laid.

As Stiltman had never lain with a woman, his blood qualified as virgin and thus enabled the ritual to work. While with enough blood entering his body, Manfred was able to rise once more. Manfred hell-bent on taking the imperial throne for himself and ruling over the old world, even if it took an eternity to do so. She was right. That is way funnier. that is so funny. That's like, oh, yeah, he never laid with a woman. So, of course, he's got virgin blood. That's hilarious.

Thank you for that, shy. That is really, really good. Mm-hmm. But that's the vampire counts. The line of Von Kars time. I mean, is it crazy that I feel bad for Dracula? I mean, like, you feel bad for Vlad?

Oh, sorry, Vlad. not Drac. Drac was a shithead, right? Yeah. Yeah, Otto Von Drac was a shithead.

Vlad was the, was the, yeah, was basically Dracula. I feel bad for Vlad. I feel a little bad for Vlad, honestly.

Really? I think she because, okay, and Isabella. Isabella probably didn't deserve this. But it's also the simple fact

that, that Manfred is such a shitter. He really is. Manfred is such a shitter. Manfred almost feels like the vampire version of like an aribus where it's just like what stop it stop it stop doing these things man

stop it it is it is really like that i don't know i'm shocked that he is that he's that annoying he is he's that guy he's just a cunning little shitter well i'm glad to tell you all that manfred is still alive in aos of course he is lovely does he have a model oh that's a good question does he have a model shy is there is there a manfred model that we can, that we can, because AOS go so much harder with their minis than 40K does. Like 40K minis good, AOS minis better.

Every time. With, with dragons, with zombies, with ghosts, with, oh my God. Oh my God. Wow.

Well, God damn it, Manfred. Did you have to look like that? You know, suddenly I take back all the bad things I said about Manfred. The dude is on like a spectral dragon steed. And its innards are all like glowy orange skulls.

With ghosts coming out of his cape and bottom. Wow. Oh, he's serving Nagash nowadays. Oh, that would make sense. Usually anything undead related would serve Nagash. Nagash stays winning. As he do, as he do. Way to go.

Nagash, you hired a real one. Is it typical of me to be like Nagash is like my favorite character? I think a lot of it's hard not to think of Nagash as like that's a very popular opinion and he is great such as

the power of Nagash, right? Nagash and Cetra are both probably my favorite. They're probably, I have yet to have a character so far beat out Nagash and Cetra, though I will admit Balthazar Gelt is pretty up. Gelt is great.

Gelt paying for passage on a boat with alchemical gold he made and then when he leaves the ship the gold turns to lead gigachad shit. It's so funny. What a guy. What a guy.

What a guy. All right. So, I mean, the vamp, I think the vampire, is this the most on the nose one? I feel like Brutoni is still way more on the nose. Like this is pretty on the nose with like vampire

lore for sure. It's up there. I feel like so far Brutonia is the most on the nose look we just totally ripped off Arthurian legends not even trying to be subtle about it. We have a green knight. We have the lady of the like lady of the lake.

We basically have our knights of the round table. Like I think that is the most on the nose I've seen so far. This is definitely up there though. This one's pretty, Yeah, Betonia was the one I think before I said it was the most up the, was the most on the nose. This one might be worse. Just because it's Vladimir and Dracula and Sylvania.

This one's pretty up there. I'm not going to lie. True. Definitely. They're both high contenders for the most on the nose for sure. Definitely. 100%. So.

Hmm. Told you it was going to be a long one. It was a very long. I will say, I did like this a bit more because the story of Vlad and Manfred and Isabella and stuff is like it's a bit more of a classic story. It's not as, I don't know, it's less meandering, in my opinion. Yeah, it's much less like, oh, look, it's a faction. It's like, no, it's like this, it's like this historical lineage that you're going through because it's not really, I mean, I guess, it's a faction, but like, yeah, it's, yeah,

dysfunctional family for sure. Yeah, definitely. All right. I mean, I like to, all right, it's pretty dysfunctional family. To say the least. I feel like Isabella got the raw deal in this situation. Oh, yeah. Isabella, yeah, she gets married off to a vampire.

She does desperately fall in love with the vampire of her own accord. So it's, yeah, she gets kind of screwed. Yeah, and then. she does like off herself which does also really suck yeah out of just like the immediate depression of feeling vlad die it's just yeah that's yeah and also wait manfred is manfred just like an incest uh i don't think so because like with the so with vampires like They can't make children the normal way. Like, you have to do the blood kiss.

You have to do the ritual to make a vampire thrall slash offspring, right? So, I don't think so. Why? Well, because, like, they had the offspring thing, and there was the whole, like, you know, because you made them a vampire. So they kind of, it's in a weird line. Yeah. But, yeah, essentially, you're, you're,

children, like Vlad's children between like Conrad, Manfred, Hans and everything. Those are just people that he turned into a vampire. So it's not like he laid with a woman and made them vampires. Yeah. Right, right. So, I mean, yeah. I just kind of, I don't know how they look

at that stuff. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know the vampires care? I don't know. Probably not. Probably not. Well, anyway, how many how many factions do we have left? Are we going to go through all the factions

and then do end times or something? That's a great question because end times is going to have to be a bigan. So I would assume we should probably go through most of the factions before we hit end times and then once you go into end times you got to go into Age of Sigma right? Because that's the whole point of Age of Sigma

is to sort of undo not undo but be like, oh look there was totally a reason for end times oh god. So. Oh, there's so much more. that I thought, okay. Oh, wow, there are so, that's more than I thought.

Wait, so we did Norska. Um, oh, that, yeah, there are a lot of those we haven't done. Uh, I like, wait, there's a place called Nipone. Nippon. Really? From when I've heard, that is very, that is a very on the nose Japan fantasy. Well, I, I, I assumed it was that, but I mean. Yeah, Nippon.

I don't know why I'm surprised. I'm like, that just seems too on the nose. And after finishing the vampire course. And I believe Arabi is Arabia I mean I know

Yeah I know Greg Othay Is like China Right I think so yeah At least that one's a little bit less On the nose Yeah

So hey We we've still got some stuff to do To get through before we hit end times Yeah that is true I guess I didn't expect there to be this many factions Yeah I thought we were coming close And it's like you know We got a long

long haul still until we hit end times, yeah. I think it's mainly the fact that when it comes down to 40K, you can probably, it's like 18 max. And then like you don't really go too deep into the sub sub. Like I probably won't, like I'll never make an episode or, well, we did. But like if I were to do like an every faction explained redo video or something, I wouldn't talk much about like the Exitites because they just aren't really a thing. Oh, for sure, for sure.

Oh, that's right. Because didn't you mention like, oh yeah, if I, if I knew how much, much that video was going to blow up, I may have streamlined it a little more for like the really important stuff and... Yeah, I would have probably done a bit more fact-checking and the usual type of thing, which you know, is how... That's what we have possum

here for. Yeah. Oh, Possum helped so much with this video too because, yeah, there was the wiki was really good, but some of the stuff was like, you kind of got to check the books, you kind of got to check the codexes. And so Possum was a god sent today. So, again,

shout out to Possum for doing the research. True, and their avatar is a vampire. Oh, yeah, that's true. Let's go. Vampires stay winning. Absolutely.

Well, unless you're Manfred, then... Yeah, unless so. Yeah. All right, take us home, Country Road. Oh, God. Crap. Well, all right, then. See you next to me.

What's a vampire ending? How do you... Uh... Damn, this episode really sucks. Yeah, that's that's that's that's about a stick