Adulting - #4 Female Friendships ft. Gracefituk

Episode Date: April 15, 2018

Finding new friends, fall outs, forced friendships and more. Grace and I look into how our personal friendships have changed as we've grown up and what we've learnt along the way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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peers, I have a very good friend of mine with me today. You might already know her, she's called Grace, Grace Fit UK. Would you like to introduce yourself? So I'm Grace, I'm a really good friend of Anoni, I hope, and my social media name is Grace Fit UK but my actual name is Grace Beverley. Fit UK is not my official surname. No. And what I do? Yeah, tell us about you. So I'm a full-time student at Oxford, and I study music, but I'm also a social media influencer. We hate that word.

We hate the word so much, though it does make sense. But yeah, I'm a social media gal, so I do YouTube, Instagram, all the social medias. And then I, yeah, I basically have kind of business stuff associated with that. Yeah. So Grace is 21, but she is probably one of the most adult of my friends, which is strange.

But she's just, I mean, I tell her off for doing too much. And then it makes me feel really bad because she's just one of those people that just constantly works. And she's really business minded and really mature, which is interesting. Obviously, in this podcast, we've been talking a lot about how it doesn't really matter what age you are. Everyone comes to different points at different times. But I guess growing up for you, we grew up quite differently. Yeah, I definitely grew up very young like I was very self-sustained from probably I moved to London at the age of 13 and from that point I basically I lived with it was me and my mum um but my mum is a very career orientated woman um and she is always traveling and things like that so I basically kind

of lived alone the majority of the time with but kind of with her so I have always cooked my own meals done my own grocery shopping booked my own doctor's appointments yeah dentists and shit but just like just like the little things but kind of from the from the age of 13 it was kind of me myself and I it's very apparent in how we do stuff though because my mum god love her she's freaking amazing but she's very coddling so there's aspects of myself which probably a bit spoiled which I don't like um but you learn you learn those things about yourself and you've got to grow out of them whereas grace is really really self-sufficient knows exactly how to do stuff on your own and so that it's interesting that that impact can like how you're brought up really impacts how you grow up oh a hundred percent and I think it's there are lots of people who I I know who come from

completely different backgrounds who may have had very similar upbringing to you for example even though it's from a completely different background just in the way that like parents act towards people and I think it definitely definitely affects how kind of quickly you grow up I do know that a lot of my friends who weren't necessarily very self-sufficient and did kind of often have parents picking them up from school or making their dinner every night and things like that absolutely nothing wrong with that but I know that I feel like that was never like an adulting hurdle I had to come overcome it was more like you cook your dinner yeah otherwise you don't have your dinner so yeah yeah so apart from parental relationships we've actually got grace we me myself and I I've got grace on the podcast today to talk about friendships because it's something that you guys are always asking me about um so we're going to

kind of go through the stages of friendships especially female friendships I think they're really quite tricky yeah and there's a lot to discuss so off air we're so cool we were talking about how at school you're kind of thrust into relationships with people and you have to maintain them yeah and it's really interesting because outside when you lose that kind of momentum of people being put in like right in front of your your vision and you have to make friends with them you then realize that actually it's up to you to go out and make friends other on the on the other side of that it's that you might get put into a group which actually really aren't people that

you're necessarily aligned with in your beliefs but they become your kind of lifelong friends yeah for sure what was your experience growing up at school friendship wise so I moved schools a lot I went to five different schools so I did kind of I I guess I did often have that kind of experience of making new friends quite quickly but in terms of basically having to otherwise you just eat lunch in the loo um and so yeah but also I feel like there are certain friends who I've been friends with for a very long time but I don't have any friends that I'm still friends with from before I moved to London which is so crazy yeah I guess because it wasn't in London but also as in I know people still but yeah I feel like in general it is such a different

environment because you do literally get put in like this little melting pot yeah get told that one you need you kind of you kind of don't really need to give anything to a friendship to maintain it because you'll see them every day but also you do need to like if there is like a falling out or something you do need to sort it out as soon as possible you're probably not gonna not be friends yeah again and like there are lots of issues I find from like not being in that situation though obviously there were many issues from being in that situation too especially if you say weren't someone who thrived off school type relationships or if you went to like a very cliquey school especially I guess anywhere with girls will be quite cliquey um just in the nature of friendship groups so I think what a lot of you guys were

saying is it can be really difficult if you know people who've had really long-standing friendships um from their youth and they're still like going into adulthood very close friends which is a lot easier I guess if you work where you went to school or where you lived. But for the majority of people, you do move out. And it means that you might lose those long-term friendships. And then what happens is you've got to reach out and make new friends. And this is really daunting because for some reason, it's absolutely fine to go on a night out and try and pull someone or to go on a dating app and try and find the love of your life.

But God forbid you try and find a friend. It's just so taboo. Someone to just go for with yeah just like have a night in and do some face masks and those kind of people I do find it is so weird like straight straight after school I did do go into work rather than uni and even then work friends aren't the same as school friends which is so weird because you'll think you kind of think well you're with't the same as school friends, which is so weird because you'll think, you kind of think, well, you're with them the same amount of time, you're there kind of nine till five or whatever the hours would be, probably even longer.

And you're friends with these people because you're put in this kind of area where you're meant to be friends with them. But it's not the same as school friends. Like you don't actually, that's not usually the centre of your life. I mean, it might be, but it's not, you're not's not usually the center of your life I mean it might be but it's not you're not necessarily at the same stages of your life some people might be

married with children I guess also with school like so much of your school life is surrounded around friendship groups and peer groups and things and maybe also if you're someone who hasn't learned how to make those friends at school it can be very difficult when you leave then to understand yeah 100% I think also yeah there are just so many different types of people in learn how to make those friends at school it can be very difficult when you leave then to understand yeah 100% I think also yeah there are just so many different types of people in terms of who like how you make friends it's very it could be very very very difficult for someone to just walk into a room and say even just say hi to people let alone actually establish something that you could then be like yeah I'll call you next week let's go for coffee or something yeah

the thought of that honestly makes me want to break out in a sweat well I think some of the things that I've learned recently which really shocks me is is that exact thing so when I'll meet someone and then they'll be like oh can I take your number or something we'll met at an event and they'll genuinely reach out to me and say can we go get a coffee and when this first happened to me it was literally like this yeah I was so taken aback because I was like I guess a little bit of me was like I don't really get the point of this right like I completely understand also because it's just so like where do the friendship boundaries kind of go like do you have to be like best friends yeah can you be kind of like acquaintance friends or and I feel like there are some people who do know everyone yeah and I just

but it's quite nice no because I never really realized you could do this you can basically kind of date friends so you can meet new people ask someone to go for a coffee it's not that weird and the worst thing that's going to happen is they say no but you can actually there's this we just have this really weird thing where we're like oh my god I can't possibly it'd be so embarrassing right especially if you just met someone once you feel like you have to be forced into kind of a school type situation with them for like a week or a few days at like a work thing

or because your friends are friends or something to actually then be friends. It's so odd, the concept of friends. It's literally just relationships. Well, yeah, it's like a relationship, but I think the other thing that people struggle or don't always notice is that when you have friends, you'll have, like, I have certain friends for certain things.

It's not like they're literally allocated in little pots and I'm like, this is my party friend. But in some ways, I will have a very close friend who, if I'm upset about something, like, really, really personal, I'll go to them. Or if I have another friend that I want to have fun with, I'll go to them. And I think a lot of friendship struggles happen when you put too much onus on one or a couple of friends to kind of do all of everything. it's just not feasible no I think that's so true and also because then I think it's very like I think one of the things I always found difficult as someone who moves schools a lot was that people will lots of people will always have their lifelong friends and they'll

also have like a best friend and I felt like until I kind of progressed a bit later through school I never was someone who was like seen as in like a little pair like a yeah a best friend person and I was always so jealous of those people because they do put everything on each other and they know everything and they will always be the go-to person and if you're not in a kind of like pair or like trio or something like that you might not ever be the go-to person to like go to an event with someone or to do I don't know to be invited on holiday or like that type of thing and it is just it's so it's so different and also some people very much may have friends in their adult life that they have been friends with since they were two and even if you get on really well

with them you might never even be able to like compete in terms of the amount you can like offer to them in terms of a friendship um so it's yeah it's all a bit no I agree because where I live annoying so I went to a school that was a boarding school but I didn't board so I was a day student but where we lived was literally the middle of nowhere so when I came home from school there was no one there to like play with like I don't have when people like oh I'm gonna go see my friends at home I don't have home friends because where I went to school no one lived there right and where I live no one lived so that concept for me was something I was always really jealous of the fact that people would have a really strong community of people they'd known forever so my school friends I've known for so long but there

wasn't like it was like very much they all live across the country. And it's very spread out. That's kind of the same with uni, I guess, as well. Yeah, so it's similar to uni. And the other thing, I think the problem with close friendships, like you're talking about the best friend thing, it's so romanticised in movies, especially like American movies and all these sleepover clubs. Yeah, for sure. When you're younger, I don't know if the pressure's put so much on guys, but when you're younger as a girl, there is this like horrible horrible overarching feeling that you've really like failed at life if you don't have this absolute best friend or group that is so stable right or yeah at least like a little group of like three four of you or like whatever who then do things

and I do know people now who do still kind of have those groups yeah and you see them and you're like you can't you kind of do get a bit jealous of, like, the fact that they will always have that bond, or that, like, one or two people they can go to, and just go and, I don't know, like, cry about a breakup, or things like that, and I think, absolutely, like, you might have that with other people, as you said, kind of put people into, like, different categories, not, like, not knowing you're doing it, but in terms of who you would go to for things but having someone so kind of strong just there kind of like a sister or that type of thing well it's funny because i was at my sister's birthday last night it was her 29th birthday and her group of friends was like there was 14 of them there

last night but they're all best friends from school and they've been best friends since they were like 12 and they always hang out now some of them are having babies two of them were pregnant and they're all still this exact same group of girls. And actually the girls from my school are all really close, but I didn't see them as much when I went to uni because I was in Cardiff. And so they've stayed really close

and I do still see them. But it's really funny because I think that's actually really unusual to have those lasting friendships. And I don't know why, but like I know I have really good friends now and stuff, but that still makes me like jealous. Like I don't know, because like I know I have really good friends now and stuff but that still makes me like jealous like I don't know because I'm not really a jealous person but it's more the fact that the comfort of that is kind of like having a family outside a family yeah who you can go to

about everything and you do kind of know that those people will always be there rather than just being like oh god like what am I like even in just in terms of occupying your time at the weekends or that type of thing and I think also a big thing with that is if you're not in a relationship having close friends I mean having close friends is always important but I feel like I have always been such an independent person and now I'm in a relationship I obviously prioritize my relationship and then you think like if your boyfriend's out of kind of out of town for like a week or two weeks or something and you're like and I'll probably see this friend then and that friend then and you realize you have like two really good friends

this is what I think based in one place yeah well I think this is one of the things one of my faults was when I was younger I think I used to get into relationships and then I'd very much let my friendships go by the wayside and I didn't realize until I got older it was actually probably from my most recent breakup um not I'm still with my boyfriend now we haven't let's just look up for the one before that god I sound awful but I suddenly went oh my god like he wasn't even that great and now I get to see all these people and I just made this conscious effort to reach out to all these people yeah and I was like wow I can fill my life with all these people and I just made this conscious effort to reach out to all these people yeah and I was like wow I can fill my life with all these people that I've kind of left because

that's the problem with relationships you get kind of so sucked in especially in the first year and you get so obsessed with them that you forget that you've had these people and luckily all these people still were there for me and we've rekindled these friendships and I'm so grateful for that I feel like often that is a thing as well that isn't always the case when you say are moving on from school or uni is that they very much may not be there they may have moved on with their life in kind of in terms of like settling down or something but they also may have kind of you know not much interest in being friends for no reason other than the fact that they have a huge friend group or they have loads of people that they were friends with and actually you

didn't really prioritize them when you're in a relationship and I think that's one of the really difficult things as well about not being kind of forced to be really good friends with someone or see someone every day is that when you then come out of that situation it's not really like surprise sorry guys I shouldn't have done that or whatever they may not actually be there or they may have moved to a different city or you know and then that might be even worse as part of a breakup yeah that's the thing that you genuinely have no one or have to kind of start less meaningful relationships or you feel like you can't talk about certain things with new friends yeah I think that's one of the hardest things I found growing up even the last like few years was taking

culpability for my actions within friendships so that can be anything from maybe not being there for friends when they needed me and then expecting them being there for me to also realizing that everyone has really different priorities so I've in the past like had an argument with a friend because I felt like they should have done xyz for me and I really couldn priorities. So I've in the past, like had an argument with a friend because I felt like they should have done X, Y, Z for me. And I really couldn't understand because I would do that for them, why they wouldn't do it for me. But people are so different

that I might not realize that actually they do a plethora of loads of other things that I don't really notice. And it's just, everyone prioritizes different things. So for me, there's certain things in a friendship that I always make sure I give and always make sure I do. And because I'm so focused on that,

if they don't, well, previously, if they they didn't do it I feel a bit slighted but actually what you've got to realize is you've got to take like ownership of how you're being as a friend so for instance it would be like I you have to realize that when you're feeling low or like you feel like no one's around you how many times had a friend text you and been like and you just couldn't bother I'm really bad at'm really bad yeah or you just can't be bothered to reply and you're so i'll speak to them later but you never know what someone else is going through 100 and i think growing up makes you realize that actually i'm trying to be so present in all of my friendships because that is it is a two-way street and i think when in your teens it's really different because you're very self-absorbed like your brain's developing and everything's about learning about yourself and it can be really hard to be present in those friendships and what you'll

realize is as you get older you need to work it's like any other relationship and also realizing that it doesn't necessarily have to be kind of what would look like a level playing field in terms of the amount you reach out or that type of thing it's very important I feel like in adult friendships to be able to understand and not be kind of bitter or upset about the fact that you might always be the person who reaches out not definitely not because they don't want to or anything but because they don't think like that they won't reach out they think that they also I'm kind of speaking as well from experiences that I know that because I keep myself so busy often for ages I actually won't reach out to people at all and I'll just be very absorbed in my work and stuff and I would love nothing more than to

have like a friend pop up and that's not me being like but they need to get in contact with me but more the fact that I literally won't even think about it until it happens and I'll be like oh that's so nice and I don't mean to not have done that myself but some people are really like that and some people aren't and that doesn't necessarily mean that they aren't into the friendship or that they don't want to do something or that they don't really care about you it might just be that you're very different and you deal with things differently or you just don't think about reaching out even though you'd love to do something and just don't do anything about it you know I think it's that classic thing as well which is I've used to fall victim to so much at uni

when I was away from a lot of my friends. I'd be like, oh, they haven't texted me or like, I haven't been invited to this when actually I hadn't gone to the last three things I've been invited to and then hadn't texted any of my friends. And you very much, I don't, I think this is quite common.

And then so one day I made a pledge to myself. I was like, I'm going to be more social. I just text all these people and I don't know why it took so much pride. I really had to check my ego and be like, just fricking message them. And then they were like, oh my God, how are you? Let's do something.

Let's arrange something. And I suddenly was like, oh my God, these months of angst that I felt like, I feel really left out. So-and-so's doing this. Why aren't I involved? It was all self-perpetuated because I, they, like you said,

they might've had other stuff going on. And I think that's one of the hardest things is one, saying it out loud, admitting your your faults but that's how you learn to be a better friend and in turn that's how you then get really long-standing sustained friendships that will see you through your life yeah and I think as well at school kind of in more immature friendships there is this whole kind of oh you should have done this or you should have been you shouldn't have like left us when you got a boyfriend or you should have done this or you should have been you shouldn't have like left us when you got a boyfriend or you should have done this so we're not going to be

friends with you now and I think that is so I understand if say consistently your best friend doesn't talk to you every time they get into a new relationship or something like that that's not cool but say if it's something that they got into a really long-term relationship for a good few years and they did just drop off the radar. And actually being able to still be there when they're back is a very mature thing. And knowing that probably they wish they hadn't done that too or whatever. And you can very much forgive them for that and move on with the friendship. And there doesn't need to be this kind of, like, you don't need to play the kind of justice warrior

yeah who goes well actually no you should have done this so I'm gonna like punish you for that not in a kind of in any way other than like I'm just gonna be standing we were talking about this earlier this whole concept of like tit for tat with friendships I really feel like it should be like you should just do what you as much as you want to give and just not expect anything back right because the unhealthy thing is I think sometimes you'll find friendships where it becomes this game of like volleyball where you scratch my back I'll scratch yours and those end up being quite toxic relationships because actually you're just fulfilling yeah and it's not a real foundational friendship I think that maybe brings us onto the idea of the benefit of not being in this situation where you're like school where you're thrown into

friendships is you can choose your friends you can choose to leave friendships which are hurting you or which maybe people just change people change and grow someone might get on really well with someone else and that person might be quite toxic to you I don't think people are ever really inherently bad but you might come across someone where you just can't get on with them but your best friend loves them and you're like why don't I get on but that is so okay you don't have to like everyone and not everyone has to like you for sure and I think that's probably one of the hardest things you get quite used to quite quickly doing social media that not everyone's gonna like you yeah I think also in the kind of realm of toxic friendships I the amount of as a twitter warrior the amount of tweets I see every single day about kind of saying like just let

toxic friends go blah blah and actually I'm like thinking about it apart from when I was like 14 15 I have never from then onwards never had toxic friendships whereas I feel like a lot of people I know really really have and they still have these kind of friendships where their friends act in certain ways out of like jealousy or bitterness or whatever it is um because they I don't know they got a new boyfriend who's really like cool or like they did really well at something or did better than you at uni or like and I know from when I did have toxic friendships when I was younger how horrific they are it's like having a toxic relationship it's actually soul destroying like you literally you feel like you don't belong but you have to belong and you have to be friends with these people and I think the

amount of times I see a day like just let let go of those toxic friendships like I think that is such an important thing as well because I think there is a huge onus put on toxic relationships and the fact that we need to just let them go we need to just you know get over it and just move on whereas I think with friendships as well that's something that's really really important because it's exactly the same as kind of having a relationship if not can be even more kind of hurtful because often you don't talk about things outright and you don't say it in the same way as you would in a relationship because you might feel like you don't have the right to because you're just friends like that type of thing and I think the other thing that's

really important to note is that the problematic side of this is that people when you have toxic relationships it doesn't like friendships rather it doesn't mean that person's inherently bad and also sometimes it might mean that you need to delve in deeper and see what's causing the other person to be upset because sometimes often I think actually when it is a toxic relationship I generally think it's always both parties clashing rather than one person being a shit friend and what it'll turn out to be is you've either you've just grown apart or there's something that doesn't fit with your friendship and this we love as humans to put a blame on something and this is what can tear like

whole friendship groups apart because there's the bitching and there's everything and I think one of the best things you can do as an adult is I try to do this with every situation I get into it's obviously really hard and you can't do it is but step outside and look at your impact and what you're doing because you can't change the things that happen to you you can change the way you react to them and sometimes it's very hard to see your own problematic nature and things and I think with friendships that's one of the most important things is you've got to I've had to do this in arguments where I'm adamant I'm right and then I've really gone back and thought about it I'm like shit actually or at least you can see why they yeah interpreted it differently even if it

say wasn't if you still stand by what you think but also can see how it might have really hurt them yeah it might have come across in a different way or it might have like hit a nerve or that type of thing um yeah I think that's very true as well and I think as you grow up you can do that better and I think or as you mature for sure yeah um and I think it's really really interesting to see friendships as you grow older because often they are a lot stronger even if they're newer friendships just because you can genuinely be mature about it if you say don't see eye to eye on something or you did have a big fallout you can at least then work your way through it without it being as bitchy but

then again I did talk to someone earlier about the fact that I was doing this podcast and we were talking about friendships and stuff. And one of the things she said was that she so didn't expect friends to be bitchy when, you know, everyone grew up and moved out of uni and everything. And people are still very bitchy. And some people will still react in certain ways still gossip about everything and kind of maybe try and more like turn other people against you if you fall out or that type of thing and it's so interesting to see that actually certain things

from school as as much as many things may change in terms of the way you're kind of forced together or you're made to get together or you're made to get on and you're made to make up and that type of thing there are some some things that really do still stay the same and you may end up being in a kind of toxic situation not that's ongoing but more in that some people are quite gossipy and bitchy and you might find yourself in some kind of high school type situation you're like literally what the hell is going on this is I haven't had this I did have a couple of things at uni where I was like I really feel like I'm back at school because I think it is universal

that in school especially in friendships of girls there is just hormones there's problems there's anxiety from like media social media and I can't even imagine what teenagers deal with um but I do think that as you get older because you get to pick your friendships you can be quite meticulous with who's in your circle this sounds so ridiculous but like who you're making friends with you can really make sure that they're someone that you want to invest your time in and invest in them as a friend and I don't think there's any shame in being like actually I really love these five ten three however many people as I just love these people these are my people and I'm just going to make sure that these friendships are so positive and and we give

so much to each other rather than being like I want to make sure that everyone likes me and that I look really cool because I've got loads of friends yeah because that's a pressure which I think is annoyingly put on people it's like the more friends you have the better you are but I feel like it must be quite it's hard to I try to sustain millions of friendships in one go and you're just you can't be that good a friend yeah I think you often do yourself a disservice as well so I know that I definitely fell into that trap when I was younger I definitely thought that the more friends the better and the more popular you were seen as and that type of thing and now I literally could not give less of a shit like I just I'm not

obviously I'm not interested in that type of thing but it was a huge difficulty while kind of growing up and I do not to kind of judge other people's friendships but there do seem to be some people who manage to manage to do that and have huge groups of friends whereas now I I used to be someone who loved having so many different friends and would see like a different person every day in the holidays and like would absolutely love that and would get so many different things out of these different people hang out with different groups and that type of thing and now I honestly could not think of anything more terrifying and hard to maintain and I think that's just the nature of growing up and getting busier as well is just keeping a closer circle even that doesn't necessarily mean you're not friends with other

people but having close friends I think is kind of very important and I don't want this to sound negative at all I think what I'm trying to do what we're trying to do is just I think there's just people get upset especially younger girls and I know I've felt this before when you feel like why don't I have as many friends as everyone else and I think what I just want to reassure you what I'm learning obviously we're still young but it's just that you don't need to be this overly popular person and like popularity sounds probably really freaking stupid coming from someone who's got like a social media following which is probably like the most narcissistic to do with pop but you know I mean that isn't the be all and end all and actually the integrity of your friendship really stands and

how you act and how you behave and one of my most favorite things is just going to sit with a friend who's got a problem I literally think I'm like a counselor don't I yeah you do in like a good way yeah in a good way very good person to come to yeah and I like love listening to people's problems and that's like I just think to me I'm like I love these like I want to be the kind of friend that I am is I quite like being like a motherly friend yeah I'm quite a mum as a friend whereas other people that you've got to just work out what is important to you in friendship conversely going the other way a lot of you said like I have no friends I've left uni I all my friends have abroad or you've fallen out with whoever for whatever reason you're just grown up so what do you do

obviously me and Grace met through social media we met at Abby's competition didn't we yeah so it was completely like out of nowhere and then started to hang out as a group with people and then our relationship blossomed and now we're in love

we just got closer and closer and it was the thing with that is it was actually a really organic friendship and it did it did take a while for us to get close like we're actually like properly close friends now but at the beginning it was just kind of like oh we get on yeah and we'd like hang out and do stuff and now it's like actually we come over and like you come over for cups and i think if we had in general if we'd kind of I think it's so important to realize that often yes well it's like so horrible seeing people with like these amazing friends and you're sitting there thinking like I do not have a single friend like that and I think everyone's been through at least stages

like that um and I do think as well that these things take time too just like it's not like with a sort of relationship where you might meet someone go on a few dates and then you're in a relationship it's it's not necessarily like that it can take a lot more time to kind of cultivate and to kind of blossom into a proper friendship and um that doesn't necessarily that's not necessarily a problem and can also bring more like stronger friendships and that type of thing and I do maybe if we had really tried to be friends at the beginning and be like oh like come around for this or let's go for dinner and things like that and I find people I've done that with in the past actually yeah or you talk about one thing and realize you actually don't agree and then you think oh we're probably

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or visit connectsontario.ca please play responsibly and it's i think actually just finding your ground within like your within friendships and that type of thing is so important it might take a long time yeah it's also like timing and like situation so for me situationally like me and Grace met and like we're in a similar industry and we just grew and are clearly the way that I don't know the way that our minds were going whatever it was very similar whereas there'll be people that I've grown up with from school who I'll meet now and I've really got on with them but I'm like I wouldn't actually be your best friend just because I really don't get with like your life trajectory or what's going on

and the problem is everyone seems to think like you've got to make friends with people who you've known for ages or I think a lot of people harbor fears of like almost like post-traumatic stress from like having like bitchy I know people are just like I'm so scared of these relationships but I do think girls grow up and change and now you'll meet someone you're like oh my god I thought you're a bitch and you're actually amazing I've had that a lot that I've actually had huge preconceptions not really preconceptions because I've known them before yeah but thought oh well they were a bit bitchy or like a bit too popular at school you know like they're probably actually just not that nice people, that type of thing. And then as soon as you actually talk to them and you

go like, well, actually this person's so nice and probably just grew up and actually I think giving people second chances as well in terms of reaching out to older friends, that type of thing. And just being like, Hey, like, do you want to go for coffee? Or like, how are you? At least, you know, just like starting a conversation, that type of thing. I being like hey like you want to go for coffee or like how are you at least you know just like starting a conversation that type of thing I had that the other day and I was so shocked I was like is this person messaging the right person and then I was like actually this is so nice yeah it's nice um but I think also along the lines of the kind of I have no friends thing I think so many people on I've seen so many people on social media kind of with that type of issue especially so I have I have workout guides and they have a huge community attached to them

with the people who do them so there are something like 17,000 people who do them now and that's obviously created a huge community and the amount of people who have made friends through like something like that I will not always kind of champion the effects of social media and say like it's amazing and especially being like a social media person we know how detrimental it can be for so many things not only for the audience but also for the kind of influencers themselves um but I do I do genuinely think that through social media you may well make some incredible friends and it can be like a tinder for friends just because you might find someone who even if you're only your only kind of thing that you meet over is the fact that you do the same workout guide maybe you also have these other interests because let's face it no one's completely only into fitness so every fitness person also has like a background like yeah

exactly um and that type of thing is really like you never know and you might have 20 people who you try and be friends with who never work out and the 21st one might be your next best friend forever you know like friends it's so funny because my group of school friends obviously we grew up we're quite similar but my girlfriends from uni we there's a group there's like five of us and we're so we literally are all so different we all have really different career paths quite different like fashion sense like everything we do is so different but we were just bonded in this really close friendship we like love each other so much we're really good friends and that for me I was like this is it because I remember being like they don't look

like someone I think I'm going to be friends with. One of the girls in my friendship group I actually went to school with, yeah, she's like one of my best friends now. We weren't friends at school at all. And we got to uni on the first day and she was like, hi, are you there? And I was like, hi, yeah. And then we were just best friends and we literally barely spoke at school. It was so weird. And I think that happens a lot.

I've known a lot of people that, especially you see crop up on social media and you're like, what? Like those two people are friends. never would imagine that but actually I think one of the great things about moving out of the kind of school type friendship or uni type friendship is that there aren't there isn't this kind of hierarchy it's more like everyone's just out in this big like plane of friendships all attached to different people and it's literally just you are friends with who you want to be friends with who makes you happy who supports you that type of thing or who you just have fun with all night out and that is absolutely fine and that should be kind of you might you might be friends with someone who you absolutely hated at school and you might have absolutely hated them because maybe like you were jealous of them or maybe

you were actually exactly the same and so you did that's always a problem um and but maybe now it would be amazing thing to be friends I think one really key thing is just taking the leap yeah in terms of just reaching out to people and I think like being free from the school bubble as well one of the biggest like reliefs for me was I no one knew what I was like and I'm so I'm such a loud person at school I was particularly bad like I was like and I'm so I'm such a loud person at school I was particularly bad like I was quite naughty I was doing all my work but it's quite naughty lesson I was always like the class clown and like a bit of an attention seeker and when I went to uni no one knew that so I could just I still was actually a massive attention seeker in first year I think

I've grown out of it now maybe maybe anyway but it just meant that I could be this person without kind of anyone else even though also all these preconceptions about myself no one else was actually saying them I was self-imposing what I thought other people thought about me and then being that person no one was actually being like I have this as well I think as an extroverted person you often do you you get given a kind of label you adopt that label and then you decide you are that label yeah that's what I did well I had a really weird thing that I was I was extremely extremely extremely like underconfident at school not openly because I'm really extroverted but I was so self-conscious and like cripplingly so um and actually one of my best friends ever that I've actually been friends with since I kind of moved to London who's Alicia yeah we actually used to fall out about the fact that I was so

self-conscious that it would actually as in it was it more got to a point where it was like more self-absorbed self-conscious in the way that it was kind of like no but I can't do this because I don't look like this oh right and it actually like ended up consuming everything and I think also when you then have like a dynamic of friendship where potentially they're the louder one and you're the quieter one or you're the more confident one or whatever it is you then might be completely different in another friendship and I feel like I've had that a lot from from school or from sixth form that type of thing if I I was often I feel like as much as I was loud and stuff I feel like I was always like the kind of underdog and more would like tag along I would never be the one to make plans I'd be so scared that I would like make plans and they wouldn't

pull through and that would like affect my self-confidence so much um that like that I was always that person so now it's so weird then when I feel like I see old friends and I know I see them and you automatically go back into what you would be with them or what type of person you are I've done that I'm not like that at all and then you kind of just make a fool of yourself exactly and you kind of act in certain ways or you find yourself saying things and find them looking a bit surprised and you're like god they don't actually know me they know like what I was and I feel like I don't think I've changed but I clearly at least in my role I play like with friendships that type of thing I definitely I'm I like I'm more kind of carefree in terms of like if someone wants to be friends with me cool if they don't yeah well this is this is I think what's really important is if you do feel like you've got no friends or you do have friends

but you want to make new friends I think the most important thing you've got to do is go out on your own stuff because the problem I think you do this a lot when you're younger is you always have to have like people with you or surrounding you like to give you this confidence boost but when you're an adult when you're growing up I think you can learn so much about yourself by being your own entity within a situation for instance like you're saying people that come to like grace's meetups on their own or people that come to my book club often always come on their own and i said this about my retreat as well people actually come on your own i'm like i actually think you're going to get a better experience

out of this because when you come with with friends all friends like create it could be your bestest friend in the world but sometimes you've just got to be a version of you that you want to explore or like have a different kind of you're allowed to be a multi-dimensional person you don't always have to be I'm quite in a group I'm really loud if you get me on my own I'm so quiet I always just have a DMC unless you yeah yeah but you put me in a room and I'm so and it's weird because I don't even know that I'm doing it it's both of us I think it's all like coping mechanisms as well so I'll I'm a like introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert either one yeah where I I have quite bad social anxiety going into situations where I don't know anyone I'm very

happy making friends with people but that first step or that kind of I think I think I just think people are I think the worst of people in not like in a mean way but in the way that I always think they're not gonna like me or that I'm gonna annoy them or that type of thing or that they don't want to talk to me and so I'll never make that first like leap and then as soon as they'll talk to me I'll be like talking about poo two seconds later like I'm so I do this not as my like go-to conversation but as in like I'm so open like we'll be literally acting as if I'm like their best friend two seconds later like I'm so I do this not as my like go-to conversation but as in like I'm so open like we'll be literally acting as if I'm like their best friend two seconds later you know what I do which is really funny I used to think was really helpful because I'm quite loud I always

thought that I could like break attention in a room or like make people feel more comfortable so I sweat I always sweat and for some reason whenever I went if especially if it was like a job interview or something I'd always be really nervous so say there's like a room of people waiting I'd always walk in and be like oh my god i'm so sweaty and i used to think that people would find that like really endearing and like break the ice and it's like so funny she doesn't give a crap because she's sweating and actually someone's like it's actually quite intimidating because you just walk in you're like i'm sweating and some people just don't want to talk to you and i used to think that everyone needs to be brought up their shell and everyone right surely

wants to talk i think we're very similar but people some people just don't i've actually i know we've had this talk recently that I've actually fallen out with a few friends recently in a time in terms of kind of I think being an extrovert and this sounds so silly because I think as much as being an introvert seems to be kind of like has been recently very glamorized and I've seen online and be like oh well I wish I was like a like lovely little introvert and but there's me like yelling about like I don't know the sex life or something um whereas I do feel like I've actually fallen out with some friends over the past year who have basically said kind of

you can be extremely intimidating and like sometimes you yeah exactly and I I've always kind of known that but I feel like as you get older people will actually say it to you as well and so I think I've always thought in the past that maybe if people don't like me it will be because I don't know I'm not cool enough or like something like that but maybe it's because I literally am just like it can just be too much sometimes and for some and that's absolutely fine because for some people like us too that'll be like if we didn't have we need to be on that kind of level with each other otherwise we'd end up it's funny because actually it's so true if you've met us together we're like so loud and then literally you've had us we've been in my lounge for like three hours and we've just sat

with a cup of green tea and just talked right really quietly and really like we're so not and i think it is a bit of a need to balance each other out though yeah that's the thing because I feel like and then I feel like if I'm with someone who's kind of more introverted by themselves that's absolutely fine like I have absolutely no problem with that but I feel like sometimes I often come across very I don't know I don't think many introverted people that I've met have automatically wanted to be my friend some people it's just like I think we yeah we kind of think like yeah exactly but I think as well it's like all about energies and so funny enough I'd although I love being around

people I actually really can't I need to like be on my own after a while so I really like being in my own space like really happy with my own company and I've talked about this before a bit about loneliness but then there's other people who really struggle being on their own because they don't like their own company but feel like they have no one and the best way to meet someone is to just go and do something that you think you're going to like and there is no shame in turning up to something on your own right and just putting yourself out there because the best way to make friends i would say this about boyfriends as well you'll always get girlfriend like we'll all go to the weirdest place i remember once i really wanted to just kiss a boy because i broke up next i was really upset so we all went to inferno so if anyone's been to inferno it's disgusting and i

made my friends walk around with me about two hours just trying to find one guy just to kiss because i thought it's going to mend my broken heart so so upset Infernos is the most disgusting night it's really fun the music's lulls but your feet stick to the floor and all the guys in there like trying to get with someone why on earth would I go there I wouldn't even go that I don't even like it there but I was like this is great I'll go there I ended up crying in McDonald's by the way because I didn't snog anyone so they had yeah so I just like they're crying in McDonald's I hadn't got to neck anyone and infernos if you're gonna get someone infernos is the one and then you think about it you're like what like i'd be better off going to a library and trying to get with someone because i actually

like libraries and like people yeah and like people who are in libraries or go to a museum or do something that i'm gonna find where you're or even a gym like that would make sense not infernos and i feel like we do the same thing with friendships or like put ourselves in really weird situations with people that we are so not going to get on with because we fantasize about the idea of like or that assume that's where you go to the friendship shop yeah like that we're going to be such good friends and actually there's like the people that I've made really long lasting sustaining friendships are just people that I've interacted with in a really random situation or someone maybe that I wouldn't expect to be friends with because you just connected on a level I think a lot of the time especially in friendship groups with

girls they'll always be like some girls you really really want to be friends with because they're like the really cool ones but that there's no such thing as like a cool friend like being cool that just isn't cool yeah as in as in it's more like if you connect on a yeah sort of deeper level and I think as soon as you drop that kind of like putting what you expect the type of person you'd expect to be friends with as soon as you kind of drop that like label slash assumption then you will actually find someone that perhaps you would never think that you would be friends with yeah and I think I think what you're saying is so true as well about the fact that you need to go to places and interact like go to places that you would ideally go to if you were by yourself and wanted to have a good time because that's what the other people who you might want to attract in terms of

friendships will also be doing if yeah because that's what the type of thing they'd actually want to do and there are no kind of false pretenses exactly and also speak i know so i'm actually really good at this this is my mom she talks to everyone but if you see someone on their own speak to them i'm really annoying and i quite i'll be in a queue or something and i just want to talk to the person in front of me i've just decided that i'm going to talk to them so i'll just make a comment i'll be like or like you know say something after they spill something i'll always like oh you spilled it and then i'll like make friends because it's just something my mom always does and i really enjoy it but you're never offended if someone just comes up and talks to you if there's someone

sitting on their own you can just go and sit with them and talk to people i don't know where this idea of shame and the other problem is as much as social media is amazing i think it's so freaking problematic not least because you see these people out with their friends all the time they're at every party and if you're not getting invited to parties that can be one of the most disheartening things if you are but you don't have anyone close to go with yeah you don't want to like turn up alone because there's nothing worse than being alone in a group you know like big group of people that you actually know but don't know there's a younger girl that i follow on instagram who's really sweet and she once put up a story like crying because she saw that all her friends had gone to this party and she hadn't

gone and that is so sad because we didn't have this at school like if you didn't get invited to a party well you wouldn't really know what happened because there's no such thing as like snapchat or instagram stories but that makes it so much harder now i remember that was kind of towards the end of my like yeah in sick form and stuff there were snapchat stories and stuff and i do know so many times where you'd been like cancelled on like i'm sick yeah and it's devastating style and then they'd be like at fucking winter wonderland waving candy right around and but the other important thing is social media so much of it is what we want other people to see and as an influencer it's funny you actually more you'll

put more stress on as an influencer to be real in vertical commas than you are as a normal person which I think is really something I didn't realize until I was like talking to friends about posting pictures and they were like I get loads of anxiety like do you not feel stressed and I was like weirdly as an influencer I think you actually feel less worried because you kind of know that pitch is going to get however many likes and it's going to get engagement because people follow you and they're not like your actual well you have friends on there but they're not actual friends whereas when it's a personal Instagram account, people can be quite like sneaky and they can project lives,

both in a negative way that might hurt you, but also because maybe they're suffering from something which is they're concealing with this fake platform. And no one really ever asks, like on my personal profile, no one's being like, why are you posting this? Like, this isn't real. As influencers, there's a demand that you have to kind of be honest and be open and be real but there's nothing that doesn't exist like that like within real friendships yeah i think there's also like a kind of middle ground there because obviously

there is that whole thing of influencers like a lot of influencers causing problems yeah yeah a lot of influencers i feel as much as we like to be as real as possible there are a lot who will even their real isn't oh right but what as possible, there are a lot who will, even their real isn't. Oh, right. But what I mean is there's a call to act, like people want influencers to be real. Oh, okay.

But no one's like, yeah. You get validation from being real as well. No one's like looking within their friendship. So you might be sat at home being like, I'm so upset. Like I've got no friends or my friends doing this, but they could all be fucking laughing as well. And it's just, I don't know why it's,

it's really difficult. And this is why you've got to also put your phone down stop looking at your friend's pictures and just like text someone yeah just text them just do it like right now now just anyone that you want to speak to maybe you're like so and so hasn't texted me for ages i really want to speak to her and she's out doing something just get your phone even if you think because actually i've had one thing recently where i thought i'd kind of fallen out more with a friend and I so I kind of wouldn't start a conversation not out of pride but more the fact that I was like I guess we're not really friends now and we just kind of decided that that wasn't what we that

we'd kind of just fallen out and then just like a lovely text just like hey like I know we've drifted but like I'd love to see you or something. And that made me so happy. There's nothing worse than, I do this, you get in your own head and you make up shit. You're like, they haven't spoken to me, oh, they're probably annoyed about this. And you see them, and you'll make, I've done this where I've literally made up a whole thing

and I've convinced myself so strongly that they don't like me, and the next time you see them, they're fine for no reason. So just even if you think there's that person, in fact, if you think there is that person, go out of your way to text them. And also, if you think someone's annoyed person in fact if you think there is that person go out of your way to text them and also if you think

someone's annoyed I think the best thing in friendships you can ever do is be like look I've upset you I can't I'm very very bad at playing games

because I always lose I think we're both we're both like so the best thing to do is just lay your cards out on the table if anything just say it how it is

same in relationships and in relationships you just be like look clearly you're fucked up with me can you just tell me what it is? Don't try and play like one-upmanship. Yeah.

I think that's the best thing you can do in a friendship ever is been like, yeah, maybe I was a bit shit. I'm really sorry. But can we get through this? Can we be friends?

I understand my mistakes. Not like, yeah, no, everything's fine. Yeah, no, don't worry,

okay. Yeah, it's fine. Like, don't, just don't do that. It's doing both of you a disservice as well.

It's so, it's just like cutting off your nose to spite your face exactly good saying thank you we love sayings you got lots of good sayings so they did you get them from your parents I don't know I think I just read loads as a child but I don't have good sayings I do like a good saying I think just in general as well just as a thing to say because like it makes me it makes me really sad obviously when people are like you know what like talking about friendships yeah talking about the problems within friendships yeah but I literally have no friends like that and I I think that is it can be often like the people who are lonely as well are the people surrounded by the most yeah I agree or who

appear to be the most kind of friendly but will never have a single friend that they can like go to about certain things or like new friends that they actually see eye to eye with and they actually have similar beliefs with um because often you can be brought up with only people who are from the same background and or even from the same like area things like that but usually from the same kind of area of society and often you won't actually sympathize with their beliefs at all and I think if you're kind of stuck in that it can be really really difficult I think one of the main things in general I mean I'm I'm very very young so I feel like it's I can't really like be considered anecdotal advice but exactly I think I think in

general it's so so important like literally what's the worst that can happen yeah from you going to say if you like music or like singing or something go join a choir like it might be like as in just something like that or go join a netball club yeah like go join whatever it is like go paint some pottery or go you know whatever it might be a book club a meetup anything that one interest might lead you to all these other people and it made me so happy on Saturday when I did a kind of pop-up shop the amount of people that came alone and left in huge groups or went to the pub that type of thing made me so happy because I do know how it feels to kind of actually feel like you you have loads of friends but have

no actual friends or you genuinely have no friends especially if you've moved somewhere new that's a thing join organized fun like any type of organized fun will get you talking to people whether you want to or not if it's a choir and netball thing or like literally I don't know anything a knitting club I think that my biggest piece of again I'm so young but I've definitely had my fair share of like fallouts when I was younger and making mistakes and fentots and now I've got such strong and I'm so close now with all of my friends and they're like really positive relationships but the reason that that's happened is because I learned to like one not look at other people and be like judging them and assume but also not make

assumptions about what they were going to think about me I think one of the biggest things that holds you back from making new relationships is not being like they're going to be a bitch or they're it's being like they're going to think this of me and it's the weirdest thing we do we will like hinder it's it's survival though it's kind of like you protecting yourself like I'm not even going to go there because I don't want to get rejected but we make assumptions that people are going to think something about you people are a lot nicer than you think at the end of all of this and toxic friendship stuff the one thing i've learned is they do think it then let them think it and move on exactly you know that you gave them the opportunity to think it themselves rather than

projecting yeah exactly but the one thing i've learned is people are always nicer than you think they're going to be they're always so kind like people are so much kind especially when you're older yeah often you don't know how many people who might have been like the most popular person ever or is seen always on social media to go to every party you don't know that they might be in exactly the same situation as you or have like a really niche interest that they never thought they could really talk about or like and that type of thing and always be kind as well because the people who might bully you at school or that person that you might have thought was really horrible you have no idea like i've grown up and i found out like friendships you thought

these people weren't that nice actually they had hell going on at home right and you've just always got to be kind and give people the benefit of the doubt completely agree in that there is no point getting angry at any point in your day unless it's something that really can't be helped. And of course, you're a human, you have emotions and stuff, but turning it around is the best thing you can ever do. If someone really pisses you off or is so rude or so bitchy, even just a small, like, have a lovely day, or like, hey, you dropped this, or whatever,

literally just be nice and often it could make someone else's day later in the day because they might I know if I'm being unnecessarily bitchy because I've had like a really bad morning and then someone is really annoying me and then like bashes into me and throws something all over me and I'd be like like I'd never actually be like that but as in like kind of of angry, standoffish about it. I know if someone was really apologetic and really nice to me, then I would feel like such a bitch. And actually that whole day I would be so much nicer to every single person I see.

And so you never know, you might really make someone else's day, no matter whether it's like... Have you watched that film About Time? Sliding Doors? No, it's called About Time. No, it's a Richard Curtis film. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know how in the end he just relives every single day the same?

You've got to imagine that you're on your second reliving of the day. So you know he goes back in time and he just lives every single day but lives it better. And I'm like, you only get to do it, not YOLO, you only get to live every single day once and every single interaction. You only, you only get to live every day once. Oh,

I don't know why I'm counting because it doesn't help me know the letters. I think it was like, YOLO. It's like the yodeling boy in Walmart. Yeah,

you get me what, you get me what I'm saying. You get me what I'm saying. But what I mean is that you don't know that sometimes you'll just meet the most wonderful people just because you happen to look up from your phone or you just decided that that day was going to be a good day and yeah or um also another huge thing that really helps making someone else's day is um like paying it forward they do it a lot in america or in canada

in certain places that was the hugest stereotype but say paying for someone else's like coffee or like or if you see a homeless person outside the store please just buy them something like even if you can afford to yeah of course of course but if you like that you never know how much that could make someone else's day yeah their day or even you know even make someone who see that who sees that go and buy someone else a coffee or whatever it is just being being nice is so powerful and whether that results in friendship or whether that just makes someone's day or whether they don't even notice it being nice it is all about the energy as well yeah you just I think that you can make a choice just to be I think one day I just made a choice to just be happy like it literally was that simple

I just was like I'm just not gonna get I mean obviously that changes yeah but there's like yeah but there was like negative things I could really get annoyed about and I'd be one of those people that sometimes could be quite snappy or I'd quite easily kind of get really bought into negative feelings and now something happens and I'm just like, okay, well it's happened. There's literally nothing you can do.

And oh my God, your life is so much better. Right. There is no point dwelling on negative things. And you just, I think that's one of the best things you can do and the more happy and content you feel in your own life,

the easier it is to sustain really good relationships and to meet new people. It all starts with you. So be friends with yourself before being able to be friends with other people. Like, just take yourself on dates. Go paint in the park. Or, like, go for a walk.

Or take yourself out for lunch. Lunch dates with yourself are the best thing ever. And if you can't enjoy your own company, then no one else is going to enjoy it. Exactly. You really, that is so true. But true but yeah i think i need a wee well there we go is that a good place to end yeah i mean with your wee yeah i'm not going to record it podcast you sure yeah might make other people need a wee and that's always good to make friends be kind okay

well thanks so much for listening do you have any final last words of wisdom just date yourself and then you can date yourself be friends with yourself and then you can be friends with other people yeah I guess

I think everything in life it all starts with you and sometimes that process of working out who you are can be a little bit painful and it's always worth it except that you have faults and you might do the wrong thing in a friendship and and swallow your pride and make it better whether that's by finding new friends or making your original friendships better just just be be friends with everyone you like be friendly at least to everyone you can and don't be afraid of making new friendships and losing old ones yeah people as well so well do yeah no that's the other thing go and work at a freaking old people's home if you're like lonely and you're really sad i used to volunteer at school and oh my god the loneliest

people yeah i teach um i write musicals for people with dementia yeah and honestly I didn't know you did that yeah do you go and play it to them no you go and write it with them oh that's amazing yeah actually that's something I'd really stress doing if you can even just talking to homeless people like there are so many people that need to be spoken to and we just need to talk to more people how many other people don't have friends or feel lonely. And I basically think, the one thing I want you to take away from this podcast is it's not embarrassing to feel like you don't have a massive group of friends. Give a shit. You're allowed to not have, maybe you've been through stuff in your life where you've been a carer

for someone, you haven't had time, or you've had so many things going on in your life that you really haven't had time to make those friendships. Or you've just found it hard. Yeah. Or you've just been a shit friend as well. Yeah, whatever it is is everyone is entitled to be like actually i really need someone now and there are so also if you don't believe me you're not the only one without a friend because about 200 people have messaged me being like the thing i want you

to talk about is friendships i have no friends under podcasts um they can leave reviews i know well comment on an only social media saying you need a friend yeah you can all make friends yeah that's so true so yeah and it's just not

it's just not what Grace is just making face at me but yeah it's just not embarrassing you're allowed to have those moments we've all had times when we've been the shit friend

when we've been treated like shit when we've lost friends made friends and that's just the circle of life I knew it's the longest outro ever when we've been treated like shit, when we've lost friends, made friends, and that's just the circle of life. I knew. It's the longest outro ever. Okay.

Bye. Should we go? Bye. Okay. All right. Love you so much. Best friends. Thank you so much for listening.

As always, please do rate, review, and subscribe. Follow us on Twitter by us. Again, it's me myself and i at adulting underscore pod you can follow grace at grace fit uk on all social media channels

everyone literally all of them all of the ones that you want tumblr yeah no tumblr okay thanks so much for listening and i will see you next week bye the podcast you just heard was recorded with Anchor. If you want to make your own, download the Android or iOS app completely free from anchor.fm slash podcast. That's anchor.fm slash podcast. FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling.

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