Adulting - Adulting 2.0: Demi Colleen

Episode Date: April 2, 2023

Hey Podulters! Welcome to Adulting 2.0: The Timelines.Demi Colleen is a content creator and writer, who was diagnosed with ADHD last year. In this episode we discuss living with ADHD, getting diagnosed, medication, and how it has affected her timeline both now and retrospectively looking back pre-diagnosis.I hope you enjoy, and as always please do rate, review and subscribe. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When a body is discovered 10 miles out to sea, it sparks a mind-blowing police investigation. He's one of the most wanted men in the world. This isn't really happening. Officers finding large sums of money. It's a tale of murder, skullduggery and international intrigue. So who really is he? I'm Sam Mullins and this is Sea of Lies from CBC's Uncover. Available now on CBC Listen or wherever you get your podcasts.

Hello podlters, I hope you're well. In this week's episode, I speak to content creator and writer Demi Killeen. We discuss living with ADHD, getting diagnosed and how this has impacted her timeline. I really hope you enjoy listening and as always, please do rate, review and subscribe. Bye! so dami tell me when did you get diagnosed with adhd so i was diagnosed just over a year ago so i think it was january last year yeah so i was diagnosed with adhd inattentive type after having to speak with my psychiatrist and doing many many many forms and waiting but yeah and then I was able to start medication luckily a few months later than that yeah. And when did you first start to think that maybe it was ADHD that you had? I don't think there was necessarily a specific

moment where I realized I think there'd been a period of time especially during lockdown where I'd been watching TikToks as a lot of people were and I started seeing some videos come up about ADHD and there were just a few things that felt a little bit close to home and I was like this is a bit this is a bit familiar I had a few people that I knew of personally that had been recently diagnosed and when they were speaking about their experiences, I just, it was almost like a mirror. And I thought there's, this has to be something I need to look into. The weird thing is, is that my sister was diagnosed with ADHD when she was nine years old, but she was diagnosed with combined type ADHD. And I think there was more of a heavy focus on the hyperactive aspect of it so that was my

view of ADHD so I never really considered before 2021 that I would have it because I just thought that's what ADHD looks like and you know when I was trying to speak about it with my family you know that my mum was a bit skeptical she was like I don't think so because again her view was of what my sister had so we were all quite surprised actually when the diagnosis came back that I did have it it's really interesting you said that you realized you're seeing it through TikTok because I actually went to the GP and said look I've got all of these reasons why a bit like you I kind of over time accrued all this information about why I thought I fitted the profile for someone with ADHD and the first thing the GP said to me turned around and went have you seen this on TikTok and I was like no I actually don't have TikTok on my phone and he was like everyone of your generations thinks I have

ADHD what do you do for a job and then I told him and then his face just literally just went blank and I then didn't do anything about it I left but how did you go about getting your diagnosis did you end up going privately did you manage to get it to your GP because I know it's something that's it's difficult for everyone but I know you've spoken about this it's even more difficult if you're not like a young white boy especially that's kind of the demographic that seems to get diagnosed most easily. Yeah absolutely I mean first let me just say I'm absolutely appalled that that was your experience I think I was very lucky because when I spoke to my GP it was definitely before the sort of boom I think on the popularity of the topic started taking place but

you know I don't really understand why I'm hearing that GPs are taking that attitude because ultimately all they need to do is put in the referral. It doesn't cost them anything specifically, you know, extra effort is quite a straightforward process. So to be able to discount people's experiences or what they're thinking, I mean, ultimately most people are not going to seek out a diagnosis like that or contemplate it if they didn't think that they fit the profile. And that's not to say that some people aren't going to maybe misjudge it. But I think if you're seeing a lot of these symptoms resonate, then it's completely fair and within your rights to ask for advice. For me, no, I didn't have a private diagnosis. I did go to my GP and had it all done

on the NHS. So I think I probably went to my GP, let's say roughly around, you know, beginning of the summer. And I heard back from Psychiatry UK within a couple of months, and I had to fill in various forms. And I also had to get my family members to fill in forms as well, which was quite scary having to sort of confront what, you know, I think obviously I was aware and I thought I had it. But seeing how it impacted people in your life was quite a kind of sad thing to read because you don't realize your behaviors have such an impact. You know, my boyfriend, for example, is very, very patient, but I didn't realize that, that you know I came across as I wasn't listening or wasn't interested and not paying attention and I felt really bad that I was making him feel that way so after that I think I finally got off an appointment and it was actually for a year's time and I was really really lucky because they called me up one day and they said we've had a cancellation we've got an appointment with the

psychiatrist in a couple of months do you want it and I took it but generally there's very very long waiting times for these things some people are waiting up to a couple of years just to hear back from the psychiatrist so I was really really lucky that my experience was quite quick but it was still a bit of a bit of an issue because you know during that time you feel like you're really struggling and there's no help in the middle to sort of get you somewhere and also when I was diagnosed they were able to only fund one type of treatment they said you can either have medication or therapy so I picked medication which means that now I have to fund the therapy side myself which obviously can be very expensive. You mentioned that your sister had sort of that hyperactive um adhd which i agree with you i think that's kind of the version that

we feel more familiar with or did years ago like when we i was little people did you say to me of adhd and it was a massive insult as a child i don't know if people have said to you and it was kind of like it was a bit of a blow but oh my god you're so adhd which is weird because i i think thankfully culturally our opinions have changed slightly on that but how does it manifest for you because obviously the way you're describing it and like you said you didn't even realize how does it manifest in in you yeah because there's a massive difference in one how it manifests as a child and two in boys and girls men and women so for example my sister she was quite literally I guess what you'd call the stereotypical bouncing off the walls. She just never sat down. She was physically unable to keep

her butt in a seat at school. She was disruptive. Routine never helped. She was just completely chaotic. And on top of that, I think she also had autism. So, you autism, which is also very common with people that have ADHD. So when you're an adult, hyperactivity is going to look very different. We have to sometimes mask our symptoms to be able to go into the workplace and do our jobs and get paid. So we're not going to be running up and down and getting up during meetings

because we know it's not appropriate, but it will look different so it might be that we are unable to you know hold our attention for very long or it might be that we interrupt people when they're speaking because we can't wait for our turn or it might be that we you know change subjects or whatever it is or maybe we're very loud it can also mean I suppose fleeting from you know relationships subjects or whatever it is or maybe we're very loud it can also mean I suppose fleeting from you know relationships or friendships that sort of thing so it's not what you would typically think is hyperactive but that is how it can manifest in an adult now as I said mine was mostly focused on inattentive I have a few aspects of the hyperactivity so even though my sister also

had the inattentive type you know you put it down to her being hyperactive you think these just kind of go together and I think I've always had certain feedback at jobs so I've been a veterinary nurse for 10 years or just over 10 years and I always used to hear you know every time we give you a list to do Demi there's always something that drops off or you don't finish tasks to completion or you know it seems like you're not able to handle it and you know I've anybody that knows that sort of job is very difficult you have many things to do at once and I always thought I was actually very good at it I mean I was able to maintain having a job for the past 10 plus years so I kind of disagreed with their feedback and I always thought

that it was just them being difficult or moaning. And then as the years went on and I think you slowly start to unmask and it starts to seep through a bit more, I was realizing this kind of came in the time when I was thinking maybe I had it. And I was the only nurse in my clinic. So there were times when I would find myself doing a task and I would literally just turn the other direction and go and do something else and I'd catch myself sometimes and I'd be like what the hell are you doing like you've not even finished doing that and then I it started to click and I was like this is what they mean about things dropping off because I would just stop doing it and do something else or I'd forget or whatever it is so you know it can

be difficult to do normal things like maintain a job just it might look like laziness it might look like you don't care it might look like you're not a team player but actually it's just because you have this condition and you don't know how to manage it or you don't even know that you have it so luckily my employer was quite amenable and once I did tell him we were able to kind of make adjustments but I realized that actually working in that sort of situation full-time under somebody else was just simply not for me I needed to be more in control of my own structure because it does play with your emotions as well I think when you're being told these things you have your appraisals and they're

you know making out that you're lazy and you don't care same thing that happened at school when I'd have these reports you know it made me feel really crap about myself so I thought if I took back that control and only I could tell myself off then you know maybe I'll be able to actually make more progress oh my god there's so many things that I want to ask you about and that I can relate to so you mentioned briefly about the reports because I listened to you on Shantae our friend's amazing podcast pop culture with Shantae joseph which is the guardian podcast and you mentioned about this thing that in your school reports you always get kind of demi's so clever but she's she's got so much potential but she's not living up to it tell us more about your

school reports and then i and like how going forwards now i guess having that sort of lid lifted and looking back and going oh my god all that time this was the answer how does that feel and like how do you reflect on it now looking back yeah so literally from primary school I and it's funny because I didn't kind of realize it at the time because I was in primary school but when I read the reports many many years later I was like very confused that every year it was like you know Demi gets the material she understands but you know when it comes to tests or things like that she's not living up to her potential she's not meeting her potential and you know it's not like we didn't try things like get tutors and things like that but there was always this barrier that

I just couldn't quite cross and I knew I was putting in the effort because I mean I was balancing a lot of things at the time I was dancing you know maybe four times a week I was in acting school and doing school work and I was trying really hard in all of them and yet I wasn't getting the grades in certain things that apparently I should be getting so this happened all through primary school and then when I got to secondary school it was the same thing and now looking back I'm just like okay but if I've had the same teacher for like multiple years for example why was it not picked up on or why did nothing you know become a concern of like why are we repeating ourselves and they just put it down

to laziness because it was like oh I had the capability but I just couldn't be bothered so that meant that for some reasons you know I was put into I don't know if you had this at school but like sets in terms of like ability in the wrong set because actually I did understand it and I was able to you know do better like I'm thinking off the top of my head maths for example I was put in this sort of middle-ish set and that meant that the paper I sat was capped at getting a C but had I had the intervention, because I know now doing nursing where I've had to use a lot of numbers and math, I get it. But if I'd had that help, I would have been able to sit a higher paper, which would have meant potentially

my prospects of what I wanted to do would have been a bit more open. So it was very frustrating to think back and think I was failed in some ways and I was very lucky that I had a few teachers namely in art and English which is kind of ironic because I feel like those are the things that I do now they must have recognized something and they were really really harsh on me but I'm so thankful because they were the ones where I was able to get incredible grades at because I actually believed that I was capable. They taught me different ways to learn. And that's why I was able to pursue it. And I think that's probably a reason why I've come into doing a job where I am writing and I am being creative because it's just felt safe for me.

Whereas math, for example, I'm terrified of, absolutely terrified. Like it gives me anxiety to even think about numbers I mean to this day I still struggle with things that I think actually this might be a common thing with ADHD I think it's called dyscalculia when you have I guess difficulty with like visualizing numbers and whatever like I can't read clocks very well me neither I can't like it doesn't tell the time that's so funny every time my mom would like try and get me a watch with like it would have words on it and everything and i'd be trying to learn and it's like if i had it in front of me i could get it but if you asked me the time

say not doing i don't worry because i used to i watched kind of a story but i was so terrified i could say if i had time and i could like look at it but if someone asked me the panic would set in and i couldn't like in that moment look at it if I was broken sorry but that's really interesting I didn't know that yeah yeah so it's quite a comment and this is something I discovered but you know this brings me back to your point about the GP making a crappy remark about TikTok because I only found that out through social media and I'm not to say that the app doesn't have a lot of misinformation on there, but I wouldn't have known that. And that was like one of the things

that made me, you know, question. I was like, well, surely, you know, most people in the world are able to read a clock. I should be able to do this. I have a job where I'm using numbers, for example, like things that I can write down and I get it. So why am I struggling with this particular thing? And I like there must be something there must be a reason for this and it's not because I'm just you know there's I'm unable there's there's a reason for this

so you know it's been a bit of a ride I suppose but it's taught me so much about myself and how I learn and I think the biggest thing was basically working for myself has given me the tools to be able to figure out how my brain works how it doesn't work what's right for me to be kinder to myself to know that some days it's just not happening and then when those days are good to just sort of take them and and run with them basically but it's it's an ongoing process I think trying to trying to know yourself it's like a new person that you have ADHD. Definitely how did it kind of change your timelines in terms of like how did you feel coming to the diagnosis did you have any of that shame around like the idea of having or that was it just like a big relief and going

forwards has it made your life easier having the diagnosis and being on medication you know how has it kind of shifted everything for you I don't know if relief was a hundred percent what I felt I think after my I mean after I came off the meeting with my psychiatrist I actually cried because yes there was relief but I also felt incredibly sad because it was like I was grieving for younger me because I thought Jesus if I had known this and everyone around me had known this it could have been so different the stress the anxiety the bullying the belittling from teachers the grades the encouragement you know it could have all just been a completely

different story. But on the flip side, and it's not to sort of make light of trauma or anything like that. But, you know, I suppose it's like just kind of restructuring in my mind that if I hadn't gone through all of those things, then I wouldn't be who I am today. And obviously, I could have done without a lot of it. But I'm still grateful for those experiences to a degree because I'm able to, I guess, be, you know, find strength in those things. So yeah, it was a weird thing. I think even now I'm only just coming to terms with the diagnosis. I thought I had many, many months ago, but it was like an ongoing process because I'm on medication and I have been since about April last year and there's a thing that you go through called titration where they have to find the right medication find the right dose and at first I was really struggling because

this is what I talk about with the misinformation on social media I expected that when I took that pill that it was going to be I don't know if you've ever seen that movie, Limitless. Literally, that's what I imagined it to be. That's so funny. And I was going to be like, oh, wow, this is what life should be like. And it wasn't like that at all. You know, I had insomnia and I was sweating a lot. And I was just, you know, I was like, this isn't like Bradley Cooper at all.

And, you know, we've only just't this isn't like Bradley Cooper at all um and you know we've only just now found the medication that works for me and it's actually you know like a combination of two different medications and all of this and even then it's not like when I take it I feel an instant thing it's like some days are great and then sometimes it's just not happening doesn't matter I could take as much medication as I want to take and it just it's not going to make a hint of difference because there are other factors as well that I think that maybe the psychiatrist and other you know people in mental health should be focusing on so that we can have this awareness like what how does our diet impact our hormones and our adhd or the way that we structure like because the tips and things that you see on social media don't work for

everybody they don't work for me i kept comparing my experience with theirs and i was like why am i not getting this and then you realize that in some ways it's been turned into like a marketing thing because some people are using it as an opportunity like here are the five things you need for adhd you know if you have adhd and it'd be like a link to their amazon storefront or something and i'm like we're turning this into like a little affiliate link moment like that's not that's not it you know it's like and it's like some sort of notebook or like a a clock or something and i'm just like no this is it's so much deeper than that. Like it is so different for every person. And I think when you really realize that's the case and not watch all of these hacks

and things like that, then it will change. And I think that's the thing for me. Once I just let go of this idea that my ADHD is going to be like everybody else's on social media, I was able to figure out what works for me. So that helped me, I guess, understand what my ADHD was. And it's just made my relationship with the condition a lot better as well. And I feel like I'm finally, it's almost like coming out of my shell again, because I feel a bit more confident with my abilities and also where my downfalls are are because we all have them and I think there's

been so much shame in especially if you have ADHD and weren't diagnosed as a child you will remember those traumatic moments of teachers maybe yelling or calling you stupid or saying you weren't good enough for all of these things and you have to I suppose let go of that and just realize that it wasn't your fault I think that's the biggest thing that was the thing I keep telling myself it's not your fault it wasn't your fault like it should have been picked up on it wasn't and you know you're having to now pick up the pieces of those things now as an adult whilst also managing to live life and try and go on with your career and everything so it's it's a very I think there's actually should be a bit more of a focus on what it is like post-diagnosis

because for some people you know they feel great like great I got this diagnosis um this is wonderful I'm going to take my medication it's gonna be fantastic and for some people it's just like depressing and you know very frustrating you know like why doesn't my brain work like anybody else's why am I struggling with this I'm a grown adult why can't I do xyz why can't I get out the house on time why can't I meet these deadlines or whatever it is and it's just like beating yourself up does what I read something as well that was kind of saying something to this but it's like sometimes with ADHD getting a diagnosis isn't helpful for some people it's like you don't need it it's like if you're doing all the lifestyle things

and you've worked out how to manage it, sometimes that diagnosis, especially because of the cost that you can incur and the time, it's kind of not. When a body is discovered 10 miles out to sea, it sparks a mind-blowing police investigation. He's one of the most wanted men in the world. This isn't really happening. Officers finding large sums of money.

It's a tale of murder, skullduggery, and international intrigue. So who really is he? I'm Sam Mullins, and this is Sea of Lies from CBC's Uncover. Available now on CBC Listen or wherever you get your podcasts. Earlier on, you mentioned unmasking. And I wonder if you could explain first of all what masking is for people who aren't aware and then also about that unmasking thing that you kind of went through

because I think that's interesting as well. Yeah, so masking is basically trying to hide or suppress um I suppose the way that your ADHD presents so as I said before it could be that you have to try and not have those outbursts like when you're speaking to someone so for me when I'm in like a social setting with people I know and they're aware I don't feel as much pressure to mask it because it's not to say that I'm not like I don't care if I'm being rude or something like that but I just feel like it's easier for me to like be myself and if I interrupt because I'm like oh I've got you know a similar story to tell because it isn't actually based in rudeness it's more the fact that you you have a similar story to tell and you're like oh yeah yeah when I went blah blah

but when in a work setting that's not always appropriate like you know you're having a chat with your boss and then you interrupt them so you find ways to suppress it and it could be different for different people it could be you know something you do physically to stop yourself it could be like a little I guess series of things that you say in your mind I don stop yourself it could be like a little I guess series of things that you say in your mind I don't know it could be just different for everybody and you do these to basically be able to live you know in a world and where you're able to be taken seriously or be liked or something like that and I think the longer you're in a place when or the longer you know someone it becomes easier or maybe it's even like a natural

thing where it starts to like come away you know and you just start being a bit more yourself and you relax into it and I know that this was happening in my last job because like I said I was the only nurse so it was me and my boss working together pretty much every single day sometimes for hours just us in the you know operating theater or something like that and so chatting just became like our natural thing so I would notice that I would be very very casual and I would have these outbursts and luckily he was quite easygoing and and he you know it was never a problem so I was able to get away with it but I think it could be a lot trickier if you're in a big team or maybe you're in a position where like you're doing something like law or whatever like

where you've got to really have this specific way of acting I think that's going to be a lot trickier so it's just basically being able to either like hide your personality to a degree and then being able to show your personality but it can be really draining because you can do it all day you know and you're just like like for me for example like doing this job you know when you have to go to events and there's a lot of other people from social media maybe you don't know them like I'm really I don't I can't socialize I have social anxiety as it is but I also have to present differently and at the end of it I'm just mentally and emotionally exhausted I can't do it and it's funny because I didn't even consider the

way that I was presenting till I was speaking to my partner where he's been with me at a few events and he was like you know like when you were speaking to so-and-so and they were chatting you just walked off and I was like what he was like yeah they were all talking like you were in the group but you just walked away and I was like yeah well I had something I had to go and shoot and he was like yeah but how that looks it looks rude like I know you're not being rude but it can look rude because they may not be aware of kind of like what's going on and I was like Jesus how many times have I probably done things like that or had an outburst or whatever where I've like let slip so it's just it's very very difficult to even sometimes know

when you are masking or when you're not because it becomes like ingrained and sometimes you just I think maybe you get so tired of doing it you just like it melts away for a second but yeah it's like also that helps me know that I have to kind of limit my social interaction because it's like, it takes me days to recover from something like that. When I was a kid, more maybe like secondary school, actually, I had, I was bullied for most of it. And I had a group of friends probably for the last few years. And I remember, you know, sometimes it can happen when there's like a group of young girls, like you get little cliques within it. And I would hear comments of like, they, certain ones wouldn't want to hang out with me because I was too opinionated or you know I always had something to say on xyz and it was just like I thought I was

just being conversational and giving an input because they'd spoken about a situation like to me I was like what do you mean opinionated that was also another thing that was always in my reports as well and you know now I get it but I'm just like it's very interesting that I can maybe excuse it for back in the day but I think we're very very aware of conditions like this now and I think it's interesting how we go on especially like mental health day about you know check in on a friend and be more considerate blah blah but people don't realize how these things manifest and it's not always in this kind of like oh you either go crazy or sometimes you're a bit sad like sometimes it's just these like everyday situations where like yeah they're going to come across rude

but like and not to say that people have to put up with these things but if you're gonna scream you care about mental health then you have to consider that they these things but if you're gonna scream you care about mental health then you have to consider that they're not always going to present in ways that are understandable easy to deal with and you know I think telling people that they maybe they're coming across through it's not very helpful you internalize it and you think I'm a shitty friend I'm a shit person and that's that's a hard thing to I think you know I wrote a blog post recently about how difficult it's been making friends especially in my 20s and I realize it has come a lot from the trauma of basically being victimized and isolated and these comments made

about who I am and of course I was you know undiagnosed but I wonder even if I was diagnosed back then whether people would have actually been as kind anyway I still wonder if we wouldn't have had as much of an understanding of like the type of ADHD yes how it happens to you but it was interesting what you're saying about school I remember I would always my main thing I was always getting in trouble within the girl group because I'd always say things you weren't supposed to say but I wouldn't know and I remember I would sit at the dining table and I'd watch everyone and I'd like try and figure out when they spoke and like after I'd got in trouble for doing something so I'd literally watch and then like an actor I'd be like this seems like a good time to go and then it would always be wrong because that I can so I can actually kind of remember masking and it's now

like now or like again it's really bad I'm not diagnosed maybe this is just me but this is what it feels like I've definitely done these things whether or not it's but as I'm getting older again like you I can feel it kind of coming away and this is where I'm starting to and I think they do say is that that's around in your late 20s isn't it that women do tend to try and then seek out a diagnosis if you like haven't to be honest I don't know I'm not actually even aware of that statistic I think it makes sense because I think that is why we're seeing this huge kind of increase because obviously social media has helped with awareness but I imagine without looking it up that a large proportion of those people seeking a diagnosis

are women in that in that age category I think because we come to a sort of almost a crossroads maybe in our personal relationships and in our careers and we reflect on on feedback and where we're at and things the comments that have been made and we think okay well if it's been a repeated pattern it's very much that it's not you it's me and you know the good thing to do is obviously to consider and look out why why that may be but I think having that um introspection can be quite difficult because you have to confront things that maybe you don't don't really want to it's interesting sorry I'm going to kind of completely come away and zoom out but so your timeline has kind of

been completely shifted by ADHD and not having that diagnosis that you said you had to kind of change what subjects you were studying and then you went on to do veterinary nursing and now you do your blog and your Instagram and all of that kind of thing and I guess it's interesting to see how you've managed to make the world fit around the way that you can address it and attack it yeah it's it's funny because in some ways my timeline has changed in some ways it kind of almost went how it was meant to so from a very very young age I always knew I wanted to work with animals and I made a decision that I wanted to do veterinary medicine and as I started to approach the GCC level and realize what subjects I needed you know

I tried to pick my subjects based on that and I was told basically that my grades weren't good enough to take certain ones so I had to adjust it a little and I didn't care too much about what was going to happen I thought let me just focus on the now and I thought let me make it up when I go to college instead of doing A levels I'm going to do something called the international baccalaureate which is a very very intense course where you're doing essentially like six subjects and you do that constantly throughout the two years and then you pick like higher level standard level so I thought I'm going to pick the higher level subjects that are appropriate for veterinary medicine and I don't know if you

had this but there's a time that comes when you're coming up to exams where people from different universities and certain courses come in to do talks and I remember them coming in about veterinary medicine and they said basically that they wanted or would only consider if you had like sevens which I guess would be like a star star essentially in the top three subjects and I thought yeah there's no way in hell I'm getting a seven in chemistry so I thought okay I do want to do something with animals or nature or something like that so I picked zoology and for many many reasons my studying my revision my exams did not go very well unsurprisingly the ones I did really really well in are psychology and English but my science subjects were very very poor and so my application to do zoology at university was rejected.

And I was very, very upset. And my mum actually suggested veterinary nursing because there are other ways you can do it. You don't actually have to go to university. You can work and study at the same time. And although you don't get a degree, you basically get a diploma, which is, you know, it's not really that much different. So I thought, OK okay I'm gonna do that so I did and it was great and I did really really well in it because the structure was completely different I was working six days a week or five six days a week and then I was studying elsewhere one day a week and obviously you do a lot of practical based things which now I know

makes sense because I worked better by doing rather than reading or listening and yeah so although I wasn't a vet I was a veterinary nurse I was working in the exact same and actually suited me a lot better and then I think maybe if the pandemic hadn't happened I would have continued doing it but I think being furloughed, having that control and seeing how social media did suit me and having things to say and be able to be more creative, I just thought when the opportunity came to be able to do it full time, I just had to take it. And I mean, obviously it is a struggle working for yourself because you have to regulate everything. And I know that if I don't, for example, set an alarm or I don't have set times

to do certain tasks my day will crumble and I'll be like I've sat here doing nothing and I still have situations where it's like if I've got one thing to do in the day nothing else is happening I have a meeting at three o'clock I will do nothing until then that is so funny I got I have the same thing it's like a mental block whereas if my day's really busy it's amazing because it's like i can't think it's like this morning i had to get up really early because i had an event i had to go up a quarter to six went to the event i had to come straight back here do this podcast and then i've got like four more things i have to do that will take me like a couple of hours each and so that is like perfect for me because i do not have time to stop but

i'm exactly the same as you it's like paralyzing yes if I just have one thing at three which is why I try always book everything in in the morning because if I got like same if I have a meeting at nine it means for the rest of the day I can just do my work and it's like I'm like there's it's literally my brain is full with that thing at 3 p.m and it's like you can't do anything else and it's it's horrible because on the outside it does look like laziness, right? I can be sitting there on the armchair with my phone and I know I've got things to do technically, but maybe I've got something else to do later that I have to go to. And I just can't move. But inside, it's like a constant reel of like, you should do this and you should do that.

And then there's also like this sort of self-deprecating aspect of it because I'm like Jesus just get up just get up and do something you're gonna be so annoyed by the end of the day that you haven't done and it still won't be enough it's like so some days you know even with medication that can happen so it's not like a fix all it's just this is what I was saying before about having the tools to know how you work how your brain works and sometimes you just have to have those days where it's not gonna work and make up for it in other ways. Using certain apps, for example,

has been life-changing for me to structure my days. So I use like something called Notion where I'm able to break things down and also tick them off. Like a lot of people hate lists and I love writing lists. It's just like that. First of all, there's that sense of accomplishment

when you can take something off, but also just being able to break down into very, very small detail about what I need to do. Just, I'm able, it makes everything seem so much more manageable because if you just write it as like one line of like, I've got to do X, Y, Z, it seemed like a big task.

But if you just kind of like break it down into small tasks, you're like, okay, I can do that that and that and that and it's done so it's like for some people they don't need lists they need something else but now I know that's how it works for me I'm able to get it done but um it's it's very frustrating because it can take a really long time to learn what you need as an individual and if you only kind of take everything from social media and think that you need to buy this thing from amazon and that's going to change your life then you'll be severely disappointed when um you've spent you know nearly 100 pounds on notebooks throughout the year and and it's never worked which is another thing also is like you can pick

up hobbies pick up things that interest you regularly and drop them because then the dopamine hit has worn off and then you move on to something else. I think it plays on that very much. So it's like, you've got to, I guess like the big thing with ADHD is obviously being able to regulate your emotions is incredibly hard, but basically almost unable to do it. So finding ways to be able to recognize things like for me for example I like to buy things when I'm feeling down which a lot of people do but it's like it's like compulsive yeah it's almost like it's it's immediately what I go to I'll try and find something else and I have a thing where I'm just like I will just put things in the basket and almost trick my brain

that I bought it and then leave it. I do that and don't buy it. But that's also because I try not to, like, and you're the same, only sustainably. So I have fun where I pretend to buy things online and then never get them. Yeah, and in some ways it's like, it's fine because also it's like,

if I haven't thought about it for like another month then I probably didn't even need to buy it anyway. But I know that I still allow myself to browse. I just have enough restraint now, I suppose, to just trick my brain into thinking like yeah I got it it was great and then I'm just like delete the page do you get hyperfixed dated on things I do yeah I mean it's interesting because it can change I think sometimes when it comes I think that's also the thing with creating I really do enjoy what I

I make and I like making my lovely sort of aesthetic videos and editing and things like that. I like the process. So, you know, when I'm in my editing hole and I sit there for hours, like it's, it's wonderful because no one can kind of pull me out of it, but it also means that everything else gets neglected. So it can be really tricky. Um, and with things like hobbies, which is funny because I never even recognized this one I thought no like when I like something I stick to it and whatever because throughout my life I have been like that I was dancing for many many years I didn't like just say oh mom I want to do it and then stop they did it for a really long time and I think maybe lockdown highlighted this the most

because I was very influenced by what other people were doing the rollerblading thing oh yeah I was like yeah I can do that that seems fun yeah I spent a lot of money I had to get like you know the most colorful ones and they were expensive and I was like no I'm not gonna have black knee pads I'm gonna have bright purple ones with rainbow straps spend another like 40 quid and I did it maybe three times yeah the rollerblades are collecting dust and yeah i still refuse to sell them and then i convinced myself i was going to go back to irish dancing so i spent a lot of money trying to find new shoes and somewhere to go and i got the size wrong three times and had to buy them send them back i have never used them are you Irish I am Irish I didn't know that yeah

that's Demi Colleen of course yeah both sides or no half my mum's Irish yeah I never did the Irish saying like Irish people can't be brown obviously they can and then my dad is from Jamaica is what I was trying to say yeah I'm mixed yeah my my mum is Irish um oh I love that that's cute yeah I never did Irish dancing I yeah I loved it and you know the thing is I enjoyed dancing but I think I was very focused on the winning and that became a problem because a lot of kids they get upset but I got upset like my mom started getting concerned because it was like I hated myself if I didn't win. And yet at the same time, I struggled having the structure to practice regularly. So I'd get annoyed that I wasn't winning.

And it was like, OK, but if you're not practicing regularly, then like how do you expect to, you know, do better? There's always this like massive contrast. And having to give that up was really, really tough. Which is why I wanted to go back to it. I think this is something I came to a conclusion with yesterday about how when you have the diagnosis, I feel like there's this thing where you start kind of reconnecting with your childhood. I feel like I want to do the things that I did when I was younger that maybe I wasn't able to fully enjoy. It's like that's why I want to go back to dancing because there's no competitiveness now. I can just do it as a hobby and I keep finding myself going back to like Disney and I'm like watching all my you know Disney movies that were like very comforting to me as a kid or the snacks I used to have and it's just like it's a very interesting thing I'm always like going like rescinding into like baby Demi because like I

wasn't able to fully enjoy those things because they always like kind of tinged with this negativity and now I can just be like no I'm gonna have it in a different way now that I'm older that's really sweet and I like the idea of sort of like tying things in a bow and picking things like where you left them yeah because I am terrible oh my god I have a new hobby every month and I get really fixated on it especially when I've got something else to do and then I'm like I have to paint it's literally like I literally have worked on my husband eight hours painting yes no this is exactly me because I'm I have like loads of decorating I need to do and I will have a full list of things to do including like very very important deadlines and I'm like I'm gonna I'm gonna research furniture instead yeah yeah and then sometimes I can't even finish that so I don't even buy the furniture so I'm like I'm just wasted

two hours looking for furniture that I didn't buy that's fantastic I honestly feel like it's such a relief to speak to you because it can I think it can be like you said especially things with mental health I think when people's behaviors if don't fit into like the perfect capitalist um like productivity person it's then hard to realize that that can just be like a nut also and actually i have to say and i was gonna say this before even if you're not someone who's neurodivergent the world it's very difficult we have a lot of shit to do and actually it's a horrible truth that you find out as you get older that living in a routine is actually really good for you you know you kind of want to be i always want to be like resistant to and i'm so laissez

faire and i do what everyone and then i realize i feel my best when i'm waking up at six in the morning having a little morning routine going to the gym awful when you realize like i started exercising again last month after many many years of not and uh so i do bar and i tried at first different times i was like i'm gonna go in the afternoon because i don't want to get up early i'll go in the evening because i don't want to go too early didn't work the only one that works for me is the very very early i have to do the first yeah thing because then again it's not a task that's my day even the middle of the day yeah it's like if I put it in the day I'm telling you that I had like a 6 p.m class didn't do anything

that was it I was like I've got class later I have to sit here I felt like that's why I got so late and I'm like I can get everything done in the morning if I go in the middle of the day I'll be like kind of half waiting to go or like it just throws it's like a barrier yeah yeah no I know and it's just you know I'm I love to sleep and it's very sad to realize that actually I thrive better on early starts and I'm not a morning person so but that's the thing I mean it's like you have to sometimes give yourself a bit balance so like on the weekend I'll let myself have a little bit of a lie in. But I still have to keep that structure. If I start sleeping in, oh, I'll cancel that Monday morning alarm.

It's not happening. I've loved this. I've really enjoyed speaking to you. And I think it's so interesting. And thank you for being so candid about it. Because I think you've given a really full picture of ADHD. And I think people still do envision that little boy that runs around the classroom drawing the walls. That's kind of the the bigger picture um is there anything else that you haven't

shared with us that you'd like to tell us about or don't think so I think the only thing I would say which isn't personal to me but I think you know if you've had that experience with your GP where they have um shamed you or made you feel some type of way about seeking a diagnosis because of you know your age or being a woman or whatever it is you can push just just keep trying whether it's you requesting to see a different doctor um going on like psychiatry uk their website where they have a lot of information on right to choose for example obviously if you are able to afford a private diagnosis it's something to consider but it is very very expensive it isn't yeah it's it's a lot and that's just one part of it then there's the private prescription and for me like they say that for example the titration length is supposed

to be something like eight weeks mine took a year so thinking about paying a private prescription every month or so for a year is is too much so you know it's frustrating like I said I know I'm very very lucky that I got my diagnosis quite quickly after seeking a referral and some people are waiting a very very long time but if you're not even able to get to that stage just just keep pushing um and quite honestly I would I'd be reporting doctors that say that kind of thing that's not what they're meant to say they are not experts in that field they are not psychiatrists so for them to dismiss your suspicion when they don't have anything to back that up is is completely

unprofessional so just I hope people feel a bit more empowered after hearing this that you know if they still genuinely believe that it's something that they need to um look into then just just keep going and also um if they're interested to know the process I have a whole highlight on my Instagram from start to where I am now about the process uh and and how I got my diagnosis so they can look there and so I was next thing to say you're demi clean on Instagram and is there anything other any other products or anything you've got coming up that you wanted to tell us about uh nothing I can say at the moment very exciting but I do have my website which is demicoleen.com um I also speak quite candidly about my ADHD and everything on Twitter

which is also at Demi Colleen and on TikTok which is at Demi Colleen so I'm on everything yeah easy to find oh thank you so much speaking to me I've really enjoyed it and the sun has come out it is thank you thank you everyone for listening I will see you next week

bye bye when a body is discovered 10 miles out to sea, it sparks a mind-blowing police investigation. He's one of the most wanted men in the world. This isn't really happening. Officers finding large sums of money. It's a tale of murder, skullduggery, and international intrigue.

So who really is he? I'm Sam Mullins, and this is Sea of Lies from CBC's Uncover. Available now on CBC Listen or wherever you get your podcasts.