Adulting - Let's Talk About... Dating

Episode Date: August 17, 2024

Hello and welcome to Adulting, and the sixth episode of Let’s Talk About… a broadening of Adulting... where that was about all of the things we never got taught in school, this is almost like seminars on life; where my audience (that's you!), get to chat anonymously about things they couldn't necessarily discuss over lunch with their friends, or feel like they don't have anyone to talk to about whatever it may be.  To get involved, follow me on Instagram @oenone, where every Tuesday we vote on a topic and every Wednesday we dig deep. Let’s Talk About… Dating. The submission read: What’s going on in the collective psyche of single ppl, why dating is so hard atm? Wow, firstly I have never had SO many dms on any subject. Where to start… well I guess the first thing to say is 99.9% of the messages were from women, and women are my main demographic, but also all of the submissions were about heterosexual relationships… more than happy to talk about queer love in another episode, it just didn’t come up this time. I had so much to say on this topic, I hope you enjoy :) as always, please do rate, review and subscribe! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600. Or visit connectsontario.ca. Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires play by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded. Or 11 p.m. Eastern. Restrictions apply. See full terms at canada.casino.fandu.com. Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome to Adulting and the sixth episode of Let's Talk About, a broadening of adulting where that was about all of the things we never got taught in school. This is almost like seminars on life where my audience, that's you, get to chat anonymously about things that you can't necessarily discuss over lunch with your friends or maybe just don't feel like you have anyone to talk to about whatever it may be. To get involved, follow me

on Instagram at Anoni where every Tuesday we vote on a topic and every Wednesday we dig deep. Let's talk about dating. The submission read, what is going on in the collective psyche of single people? Why is dating so hard at the moment? Wow. Okay. So firstly, I have never had so many DMs on any subject. Where to start? I guess the first thing to point out that is maybe important to say is that 99.9% of the messages were from women and women are my core main demographic to be fair. But that is also just, I guess, interesting in the context of like when we carry on this conversation and sort of how it is being pitched. And I also did want to say that this conversation is extremely heteronormative. Pretty much all the messages coming in are not only from women, but they're

about women dating men. So I just wanted to highlight that. I know that gay and queer relationships can be very different, and this wasn't an exercise of excluding those relationships, but it just so happened that the entirety of this conversation was focused on romantic relationships and dating between men and women. But if you want to talk about queer love, submit it. I'm always open. We're here. We're queer. Okay, let's go. So a submission read, is it that it's hard now or has it always been easier when you're younger and it's just that we're older? And so I asked you guys what you thought and someone responded to that, hmm, I think our eyes are more open to what we do and don't want. Women in particular used to almost have no choice and were told to

settle for shitty abusive men and just be a side part, second class citizen in their relationship and were trapped financially. It seems we have no choice because women have changed and men haven't. But as I'm typing this, I realize I'm only talking about heterosexual relationships. So that's my personal opinion on dating men and why I would ever be single isn't because I can't find anyone. It's because I can't find anyone not shitty. Someone else responded to this saying, agree. A lot of my friends who are married, having babies are in really shitty relationships, affairs, constant arguments, financial abuse, etc. And they're almost always pulling the weight in the relationship. Breadwinners, looking after kids,

majority of the cooking, cleaning, taking care of finances. I'm not interested in dating if this is my reality. I'd a thousand percent rather be single so I think that what's really interesting about this is I definitely think that there's been a cultural shift in terms of expectations of relationships I think that relationships are always going to be hard it's something that I think I spoke about this in milestones and I've written about it before but it's this thing of like sometimes we're so trained to believe that we need to have a relationship or that we should have a monogamous relationship. And obviously, if you want to have children, then that's something that is probably you're going to need to have. And also just in terms of like affordability, it's very difficult to be a single person because of single tax.

But I think that a lot of the parameters around what made relationships work in the past in terms of having a domestic person in the home, a wife who would cook and clean and look after the children, is kind of how society formats and sets up relationships. But things have moved on a lot because of feminism and because of changes in the law and because of progress. And also we're living in an economy where it's very hard to survive on a single income. So there's been all of these progressive changes where women are going into work, or there is more parity and equality existing in certain spaces. But actually, when we look at heteronormative monogamous relationships, I think that the ways that they function and the way that

we're socialized to believe they should function hasn't caught up. And I think that men, not all men, also haven't been socialized or haven't adapted as much to this slightly changing world as women have. So I think that a lot of us who are single now have a lot of desires and wants and needs, which can't always be met. And I'm not saying this to be like, oh my God, I hate men. I love men, big fan of their work. There's some great men in my life some of my friends have great boyfriends great husbands great fathers of their children some of them even make me laugh however I do think that they're what we're coming up against and we talk about we'll talk about this more in this episode is just sort of like and it kind of a bit of an

exhaustion where I feel like the world hasn't caught up with all the progress it's made and so it's very tiring and so women are doing so much more on top of the things that we were supposed to be doing before and a conversation I've been having with a lot of my friends again not all men as I said like my core demographic is women but I know that some men do listen to this but conversations I've been having with women very recently across the board women who are married women who are in relationships women who are single women who are dating is the emotional labor that you put into a relationship because a really sad thing that's come out of the patriarchy is men having a real inability to express and process their emotions not just in relationships

but also within their friendships like the level of conversations they're having just don't seem to be as fully deep as the way that the conversations that women have are. And I think that's like a real sad thing for men. I think it makes me sad when I realize the dearth of emotional vulnerability that they can access because of the way that they've been socialized. So whenever anything happens in my friendship group to one of the girls, you know, we know that we have so many people, so many resources, people will drop things and be right at our side. We can talk about things that would feel embarrassing or shameful, and we're always going to have a support system. And I just think that men haven't been taught in the same way to share their feelings or to express their emotions or to not feel shame around certain things. Again,

not all men, but also I do think it is most men. And I'm not saying it as like a mean thing to them. I'm saying that I think it's actually really sad. And so I think what sometimes happens as well as you get older is it can be quite tiring as a woman to feel like you're kind of having to do a lot of emotional labor in terms of literally carrying the emotional weight of the relationship or even in some ways like therapizing men and again I'm not I don't want to be like really gender essentialist and binary I really think that this is the way that society is structured and even my friends who have sons talk about like how can I make sure that I don't give my son this disadvantage because it is probably like the biggest advantage that women have is this ability and access and you know the

way that we've been socialized to care deeply and create communities with other women and to have this space anyway again I'm not it's not I'm not trying to be mean about men, just in case there's one listening. So another comment read, I think when you're in your 30s, you're looking for much more in a partner than you are in your 20s. So it feels harder because what you want, need is more restrictive. Also, I was listening to a podcast the other day, and they were saying in modern day dating, people are looking for their partner to give them absolutely everything and satisfy every need, which makes it harder to find someone who can do all of that like financial support, emotional support, drinking buddy, shopping buddy, someone to share hobbies with etc etc. Whereas in earlier years romantic relationships weren't intended to satisfy all needs some might be satisfied by your

friends or community or work. I want to start with the top part of that message about dating in your 30s versus dating in your 20s, because I think that is really true. I think there's also this idea, this fallacy that, you know, once you get into 30s, your time is really starting to crunch. I can feel it, even though I logically know that, like, what is the difference between 29 and 30? It's like this, I can almost see in my mind's eye, there's like this big wall up as if I've crossed through into another land. But really really there is no material difference in those ages and so I think something also when you're dating in your 20s is you do feel like you've got a bit more time and a bad date doesn't really matter and even just like with your work maybe it's fine

to get a bit drunk on a bad date on a Tuesday but then be a bit hungover on Wednesday I think when you're in your 30s you're like I actually time is really precious. I don't want to spend my weekends going on dates with people I don't know. I want to hang out with my friends. You do, I think you know more about yourself, more about what you want. And there is this slight feeling that you don't have all the time in the world just to be running around and having flings. I think some of that is good, but I also think some of that is bad because I do think part of, as we spoke about in the milestones episode episode part of finding a romantic partner or finding new connections does mean that you have to open yourself up to opportunities and different people and you know

even these parameters or settings that we have on dating apps about like age and height I mean the age thing obviously is good for a reason. But I mean, someone submitted later, and I do think it's true that when you turn 30, as a woman, you will drop, you'll get less likes because lots of men will set their top end of dating to like 20s, which is wild. But then they also made the point that lots of women will set their height preferences. And if a guy's a certain height,'t even sort of um think about going on a date with someone and so those kind of things i do think are very silly parameters i imagine not finding the love of your life because he was a short king girlies we've got to be more

smart but the age thing is also frustrating to think that and i have noticed as well that as men get older they seem to date younger i feel like when we were in our 20s everyone was dating people at the same age and then almost immediately when we turned 30 all the men just started dating like 23 year olds we can do a think piece on that a bit later on now the second part of the message about how now we look for everything in relationships I was trying to work out if I think this is true because my gut instinct was like I don't know if that is true but actually having thought about it I wonder if that is true because my gut instinct was like I don't know if that is true but actually having thought about it I wonder if that is true because we don't have those community things that

we had before and because life is so much more individualistic and isolated and people are really busy and I do think that when you get into a relationship sometimes that can just feel easy and safe to just hang out with that person that you're in a relationship with and maybe let all of your friendships fall to the wayside it's's not something that I think is good, but perhaps that is an issue. However, again, to go back to kind of what I was saying about the history of kind of relationships and the way that men profited so much from it and women didn't. In earlier dating, as this person said, I think that this idea of not being dependent was very swung in one way. Men were so dependent on women. The reason that men could be incredible artists and creatives or whatever is because they had a wife at home who was cooking and cleaning and raising their

kids. Throughout history, women have acted as a means for men to have freedom and the capabilities to go out and drink in the pub with their friends, to have children that they don't really have to raise. And I think that this is something we're wrestling against because obviously none of us want that to happen, even though we are seeing the rise in trad wives. So I think it can be a bit dangerous to think that there's something negative going on. I think it's always bad to look back on marriage and kind of think it was better before. I don't think that's necessarily true. But I do think that was a really interesting thing to think about.

And I wonder if we maybe are looking for too much in our partners, or are we just realizing that, you know, if someone's not good enough, they're not good enough. But I do agree that someone doesn't have to be everything to you. Someone else responded to the message about like, is dating worse because we're older? And they just said, no, men are worse now. Again again I actually don't think that's true I think that we're going through this really weird socio-political time where women have more access more power more say more of a voice we have more rights and then men kind of don't really know what to do with that and I think that's why we're seeing like the rise in kind of like Andrew Tate and this sort of like red pill incel culture because it's like mentally we've adapted, but culturally

the shift hasn't happened. And so it's creating like a rift between the genders. Another message read, dating feels impossible at the moment. Meeting people organically in real life doesn't seem to happen anymore as people don't want to approach one another and dating apps seem to be equally as bad. I tried using Hinge and it seems as though people want the initial hit of adrenaline which comes with matching someone instead of actually trying to forge a meaningful connection. I think when dating apps first came out I was actually so jealous because I was always in relationships when kind of like Hinge came out

and I was like really jealous of my friends who were on it because it seemed really fun and cool and when it first was created do you remember the idea was like it would introduce you to like a mutual friend so it the Hinge idea I think was like there would be like a connection somehow that you knew the people that it showed eventually obviously you can't you'll run out of mutual friends so then it would just show you people in your area or whatever and when it first started I think it really was amazing it was really new and exciting but I do think people have like dating app fatigue and I also don't think they work in the same way anymore I agree what this person is saying that you download them you get a bit of a buzz you maybe message a couple of people but very quickly if you don't match someone who you fancy who then messages you back who then you organize a date

with it's just really deflating and I said that after this breakup I wasn't going to download any dating apps um I did download them after my last breakup I actually really enjoyed it because it was the first time as I said that I'd used them so it was all kind of new and fresh to me and also when you first download them you get way more matches you get boosted up the algorithm top tip you can just delete your account and restart again it shows you tip on anyway but this time around I was talking to all my friends who are single and they were like none of them really like going on dating apps anymore and I they were basically saying that it's just not the same anymore it's just exhausting like when you've

been single for years you just see the same people going around and around you don't really have any dates no one really talks to anyone and it is kind of about the thrill of a match and I was talking to my friend about this and we were like why doesn't it work and why is it so deflating I actually like last week just in a moment of pure don't know downloaded hinge and I deleted it in like half an hour because I got this feeling of just like overwhelming like oh I don't know what I'm doing here like there's too many people I didn't really want to swipe through. Maybe I'm just not ready to date. I just downloaded it out of interest and also slightly because I wanted the dopamine and adrenaline of people liking me. Anyway, God, I'm going around on so many caveats on this, right? So let's talk to my friend. I was like, I think the problem with dating apps is there will be so many people in this world that

you will find attractive, that you will fancy, that you will get on with, that you'll be able to forge a romantic relationship with. But it's really hard to gauge that attraction online. And famously, men cannot figure out how to make themselves look like what they look like in real life. Nine times out of 10, a man is so much better looking in real life. I don't know what it is about how they curate their feed. I think women are really good at getting across their vibe and their aura. And with a man, it's really like, I think he's good looking, but then there'll be another picture. It's so hard to tell. So there's that. Whereas like if you met the same person in a pub, you might have like an amazing vibe with

them, really got on. And you can tell almost instantly, not if you're going to have a long term romantic relationship, but you can tell very quickly when you meet someone in real life, if you're attracted to them. And that's kind of like that initial spark. With dating apps, what I think is weird is you're being shown way more people than you'd ever see in the street or in real life in context that you would never see this person. And so it gives this idea that there's tons of single people out there, but none of them are for you. And that's kind of not actually true. There will be so many people that you can be attracted to. But because now everyone uses dating apps as the default way to meet people, and also everything's really expensive. And culturally, we've kind of changed that attitude

of going out to people and talking to bars. I think it rewires your brain in a way that makes everyone feel really lonely because it just feels like, God, there's tons of these people on the set. All of them are single single none of the ones i'm interested in interested in me the people that are interested in me i don't find attractive and so i think it really warps your brain because it's a bit like any social media or any of these platforms you know people always talk about how the way that our brains are wired we're only really meant to know like 150 people the people that live in our village and our communities around us and when we absorb information about strangers and random people online constantly all day it really hurts our heads because we shouldn't know this many different people

and with dating apps I think it does the same thing it sort of creates this horrible reverse feeling of abundance because there are tons of people on this app and seemingly none for me that's the feeling that everyone gets which is why I think they're kind of not working anymore and so people don't really message and if if you do message, they might not reply. It's just hell out there. I've kind of decided this time, I don't even ever want to date. I'm focused on my work. But with conversations I've had with friends around dating apps, it just feels like maybe they've done their time. I think they can serve a purpose. I think you can get really lucky, you know, but it is just that thing of luck or you have to like set aside time

to be on apps like in the evening and it's like a job I just think collectively it's not going well and I do think a lot of the problem is dating apps another message read I feel so so sad about being single now it's actually making me bitter I see it and how I am towards my couple friends now and I hate it but I feel like I can't control it and how I am towards my couple friends now and I hate it but I feel like I can't control it anymore as it feels like no one understands me and my situation I find it starting to affect my happiness towards my couple friends and their life steps they're taking it makes you feel totally helpless as no one knows what to say or how to help and all the little things just add up and up like having to share a room with anyone and everyone when

your friends are that with their husbands and having to make all my decisions alone and it gets fatiguing and having to pay double the price if I want my own room or need to get a taxi etc it all builds up and makes me become a better person maybe other people feel like this too which feels reassuring I mean the single tax thing is really the only thing that I hate about being single. I've been very lucky. I've had lots of lovely relationships. And actually, I do find lots of joy in being single. I do find that I get so much time back. I feel like I invest so much more in myself. And whilst I miss having a relationship, and I do think it's worth it, I do think it's a compromise and that there are beautiful things about singleness. I do think it's worth it. I do think it's a compromise and that there

are beautiful things about singleness. I do think there's a lot of shame attached to it for women. But I do think that the hardest thing, truthfully, is the financial thing of just not being able to do things in the same way, not make those same life progressions. I mean, most people can't buy a house now unless you have money from your parents but especially not if you don't have sort of like family financial help if you're single it's virtually impossible and I kind of hate that because I think like lots of people could be happier being single if we were able to progress our lives at the same rate that people in relationships are and I do think that for a lot of people part of staying in a relationship is

adding up, you know, weighing that up and realizing that I don't want to say that everyone's settling, but like, obviously they're not. So many people are really happy in love. And actually at the minute that does make me triggered. I actually had to stop listening to Abby Clancy and Peter Crouch's podcast because they were just sounding way too in love. And I was like, I can't deal with this right now. There's lots of people in really happy relationships but there are lots of people who also maybe you know they haven't found this level of connection or whatever is that is keeping you or this person single but they've decided to be okay with that and that is also okay and I wanted to read you when I had my big breakup like five years ago my old agent sent me this email

from a friend of hers who had written a book about love and it was just all these bullet points and one of them read, do not assume every couple are insanely happy. They are not. In fact, statistics depending on country and age suggest that as many as 54% will divorce, even more if not married. And depending on country age and a variety of other factors, most are cheating, up to 72% of men and 66% of women. So it's not all rosy in coupledom. I think we know this to be true anyway, which is also I think what's keeping more of us single, because we also know the truth is that a lot of relationships can be quite unhappy and people can stay for a variety of reasons.

And also people might be okay with those decisions. Some people, you know, might not have the drive or the energy or the desire to keep going through the process of dating and actually just want stability and security. I always talk about this. There's all different types of love. And actually, so that book, it used to be called Love Factually by Laura Mucha, but she had to change the name, I think. But in this book, she talks about like the different stages of love, how you have lust, love, and then companionship. And I have found in my moments of being single and in relationships that you might find someone that you have this amazing, passionate connection with, but that there is no structure around it

that would ever create a safe or stable environment but it's like an amazing fun sexy romp and then you might meet someone else who makes you feel very safe and at home and stable and gives you those parameters that you need to feel safe but then there's something else missing and I do think that you are able to find people are able to find someone that gives them you know a bit of those things but I do think it's hard to find, people are able to find someone that gives them, you know, a bit of those things. But I do think it's hard to find every single type of love and lust and desire and companionship within one person. And I think more and more, our standards have risen, yes, in terms of like how we want to be treated in relationships and the type of men that we want today and how we want to be

loved. But I do think that to decide to commit to someone for a lifetime will mean a slight compromise on just some parts of you may not get fed basically. And I just think that is true of any relationship and it's not a bad thing. I just think it's like, that's the realisticness of relationships. Another message read, I think what really hurts is not having that person at the end of the day, the person who will give you a hug and support. Independence is great 75% of the time,

but the other 25% of the time, you really need someone in your corner. I read a great stylist article recently about this woman who lives with a couple of her single friends. And she said that if one of them needed the oxytocin to put it in the chemical terms and love support from something as simple as a hug they'd give it to each other which I thought was so lovely I do agree I do think I'm the biggest hopeless romantic and my last relationship I was really in love and it didn't work for various reasons. But I do think being in love is gorgeous and all of those things are. The hugging and the intimacy and having someone close to you, having someone sort of fight your corner, there is something very special about that. I also do think you can get so much from friendships and actually living with a friend

after this breakup instead of living on my own has been a wow and a completely different experience in terms of we have this just sense of community there's another heartbeat in the house which is what I used to say about when I got Astrid which I just love that phrase it's just knowing that you're not alone and I'm someone who loves my own company I actually love living on my own and I didn't know how I'd find it living with a friend but I am really enjoying it and I do think that we can reach out to friends to create that community but that being said I love romance and I love love I think what it is about long-term committed relationships is that is there and that safety is is there and you do

get that hug at the end of the day which I agree I think that is just like the nicest thing being close to someone and having that just sense of you know someone to move through the world but someone that's going to hold you close and keep you safe and all of those things and I don't mean safe like literally I mean just keep you keep your heart safe I carry your heart I carry my heart love that poem I'm gonna cry anyway so but I also think that it's so much more complicated than that so I think that that's like the payoff right it's like the relationships just are hard work and sometimes I'm starting to be like I don't know if I've got the energy to like

get there again because it's just and I think you do get better as you're when you get older I think you get better at relationships sooner because you are more picky with who you with who you choose to date or who you choose to share a bit of your life with. So you automatically are kind of weeding out, not even red flags, as in that the other person's got red flags, but just sort of like things, incompatibilities that maybe you would have suffered with or put up with when you were younger. And I think that some people that get into their relationships in the early 20s or younger people, you can kind of need those things out. So you might start off being quite incompatible, but after like eight years of cohabiting and being together, you know, you will just

bond and merge and grow together. Whereas when you start at 30, you don't want to have to, you know, it doesn't feel the same. It's like you can't really compromise as much. So you've got to find someone who's going to meet you where you're at. And so that's the difficulty. I have so much to say on the subject, and I'm sorry if I'm going around the houses, I'm really just trying to consolidate my thoughts on this. Because one of the difficulty. I have so much to say on the subject and I'm sorry if I'm going around the houses. I'm really just trying to consolidate my thoughts on this because one of the things that I really want to say, and I know I haven't been single that long, but I am planning on being single for a period of time. I really think that I just got to, I want to get my shit into gear. I want to feed myself. I want to really propel my career to heights. I want to be so independent

that when I meet someone, I'm so secure in myself. Like that piece I wrote about, my milestones piece about having an anchor, being my own anchor, being unmovable. Not so that I'm like upgrading or leveling up in terms of like, so that I'm good for someone else, but so that I'm so good for me that when I meet someone I'm on a level where hopefully you know I'll know what I'm looking for and you know that a thing of like your vibe attracts the right person kind of thing that you meet on the same level and I really think that we have to remember so many of you writing in are my age the 30 or 31 or 32 and and I do have that fear like that sub stack I wrote called maybe baby I do have that fear, like that sub stack I wrote called Maybe Baby,

I do have that fear that if I don't, I'm doing the maths, if I don't meet someone now in the next couple of years, how am I going to have a baby by X time? Like, should I freeze my, blah, blah, blah. But we have so much more time than we think. And the baby thing does make things complicated. But I really don't think that we should try to be shoehorning in relation, like getting into relationships in order to have a baby. Because't think that we should try to be shoehorning in relation, like getting into relationships in order to have a baby, because I think that that could end up being more unhappy than just waiting and finding out and maybe trying to have a baby later down the line. FanDuel Casino Daily Jackpots.

Guaranteed to hit by 11pm with your chance at the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Daily Jackpots. A chance to win with every spin and a guaranteed winner by 11 p.m. every day. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600.

Or visit connectsontario.ca. Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires play by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded or 11 p.m. Eastern. Research and supply. See full terms at canada.casino.fandu.com please play responsibly another message read this dating thread has given me so much anxiety lol i ended a long-term relationship a year ago i'm 30 and i've definitely felt worried about meeting someone disappointed with dating it's funny because i don't even really want to meet anyone right now. It's mostly external pressure that has made me go

on the apps. But I wish people would understand that meeting someone literally guarantees nothing. I definitely have friends who I feel like are settling, have given their boyfriends ultimate and sweating rings, do all the emotional labor, but are so scared to leave because they don't want to be alone, are scared of the unknown. But I get frustrated because I feel like they're just delaying the inevitable. Yes, dating and being alone in your 30s can be hard when everyone around you is coupling up, but do we not realize how many of these relationships will end in their late 30s, 40s and 50s? And that's definitely true. Statistically, we know that that is true. And another message read, I haven't seen much commentary around this, but the dating pool is so horrendous, it genuinely makes me question my decision to leave my last relationship, which is upsetting

because mastering up the courage to leave took a lot. My ex was a loving, kind human. The relationship just wasn't working the ways it needed to. After a year of painful dead-end dates and turning 30, it's hard not to feel defeated and even more guilty, unsure, upset about the decision to leave. Is anyone better actually out there? Is anyone else struggling with this? And another person replied to this, oh my god this. No one talks enough about the terror of leaving an almost perfect relationship in your late 20s, early 30s in the hope you'll find the missing piece only to trawl through letdown after letdown in the male form you have to have a will of steel to keep going

and not look backwards worrying constantly if the contentment you left behind might actually have been all you needed all along every day i wake up and wonder if i made the right decision to leave people in long-term relationships can never know this guilt fear meanwhile my ex is now merrily dating someone 10 years younger than me and has had no problem finding a stream of wonderful women waiting to date him after I left. It's like being brave and independent just comes back to bite you and it can feel so demoralizing. For context, I'm 34 and on my good days, I feel younger and hotter than I ever did in my 20s. So that's the flame that keeps me going when I feel shit about dating. It's one thing I will say, and I believe this with all of my heart and having left basically my last two relationships that were grown up and serious and nice, they were for

all intents and purposes perfect. Like they looked right know there was nothing went wrong nothing was horrible but they just weren't working and it's so easy to be like oh my god should I have just stayed but no okay I actually think this is half the problem I think we have such scarcity mindset especially as women I think we're taught to believe that we're expiring that whole thing about like turning 30 and people like not having your dating apps that we cling on to or stay in good really bad not bad relationships relationships that aren't working for fear of you know never getting someone again which me think I think means just to give a random number let's say like 20 to 30 percent of people in relationships are maybe with someone that they aren't fully compatible with purely out of fear of like not wanting to be single or not meeting someone else which then I think means that like there's loads of people out there that maybe are really compatible or

would be really compatible for you but they're in a different relationship or they're married so I think that you you should never ever look back on a relationship that you've left because you were unhappy and say oh my god I'd rather be there because that's just've left because you were unhappy and say, oh my God, I'd rather be there because that's just not true. If you were dissatisfied, I think when you come away from a relationship, one of two things happens. Either you look back and you see all the terrible things and you suddenly like, oh my God, what was I doing? Or as time passes, you start to remember all the sweet things. I don't know, like the way they smelled or the way they held you and all of the lovely parts about your relationship. Maybe you go back to your camera roll and look

at all the pictures and you're like, oh my God, that holiday we had was so nice. But the fact that you left, I think is great. And I don't think you should ever think that, you know, oh, I should have just stayed because I'm not going to meet someone else, because I just don't think that is true. I also think it's that sunk cost fallacy, the idea that, you know, the more time you invest in something, the more you want to see a reward. And this happens so much with relationships. And I wrote about this in my book after my four-year relationship that ended I remember when I was thinking about ending it I was like but I've already invested four years in this relationship so like I want to see a return on

that investment you know I want this relationship to progress but that doesn't make any sense and I think that you have to really stick with yourself and believe in yourself and know that you're wise enough to leave and that better things will come to you I used to think like manifesting and sort of speaking into the universe and all of that stuff was kind of woo-woo and daft but as I get older it is I do realize that a mindset thing is is so true and if you're confident if you it's true in work like a lot of my job is about sort of just pitching ideas trying to get people to work with me and it's all about me putting myself forward and having to believe in myself in order to get the people to believe in me and work with me and I think this is the same with

anything in life if you have that mentality that like good things are there for you you open up the world to seeing good things it's like having that positive mental attitude obviously if you're struggling with your mental health or you're going through mental illness or anything like that this is like not gonna you can't sort of positive mental attitude your way out of like a depressive episode but on a day where you wake up and maybe your natural mental clock has just set itself to being a bit low mood and you're feeling a bit grumpy, be like, oh my God, it's so sunny. Go outside and look at the trees. Think about all the things you're really lucky to have, just the really small, silly things that you're grateful for. And it does change your outlook on life and

it does change the way that you look at things. This breakup has been the first time I felt jaded. I've always had this belief that there is an abundance of people that I can fall in love with in my life. Again, the difficulty thing with that is the baby thing. And maybe we need to let's talk about babies again, because there's so much to be said. But when we really think about how long our life is, with like at 30, you're barely, you've got to do that like twice more probably. That 30 years you might do over again twice. How wild is that? Because I feel like I've been alive forever. So the idea that in this whole big wide world, you're never

going to have some beautiful, amazing relationships is just, I think, untrue. The problem is that if you are worrying, if you're panicking, if you're giving yourself that mindset that you might not meet anyone, it might mean that you have that scarcity mindset. And so you're looking, you'll start looking in the wrong places. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm not victim blaming. I'm just saying, I think that opportunities are everywhere if you open yourself up to believing that they are. Relationships, most of them don't last a lifetime. So what's to say that you won't meet the love of your life when you're 60 again we'll have to figure out the kids in another conversation but and then you had 20 years with

this person that you simply it's a love that none of us can even conceive of just the most beautiful gorgeous love and you've met an age where you're so wise and you know so much about yourself and maybe all of your body insecurities have gone blah blah blah I think this period of being 30 because we're at the start of our 30s it's this new decade or like in your early 30s, whatever. It feels so scary because it is, you're right in the mixer. People are getting married, people are having kids. It's all the joyous beginnings. It's newborns and weddings and houses and engagement announcements. But I think there'll be another wave when we get to, you know, 35, 36, where some of those relationships won't work out and there'll be divorces and perhaps, you know,

there'll be different complications of people that have got to that point. I mean, we're going back to kind of like timelines, the series that I did before, but it was this thing of like, you just don't know how things are going to pan out. And to put all of your to take all of the things that you've learned over this course of your life and not trust yourself that when you walked away from something that wasn't right to not trust yourself I think is a real uh disservice to you as a person I'm talking to all of us because I have to have these conversations like this with myself in my head. Because this is the

first time that I felt jaded after the relationship. It is the first time that I felt a scarcity mindset, that I felt that I've dropped off a cliff, that maybe I'm not as attractive anymore. Maybe I don't have, maybe it's just not going to happen for me. But that isn't my normal framing. So it's obviously something to do with turning 30. So I have to have these like little pep talks with myself. And I do find it helpful. And I do think it's true and for all you know you'll you know go into a coffee shop tomorrow and spill your coffee on someone and they'll turn around and it's love for life that would be cute wouldn't it be nice to meet someone in real life never happens but it'd be lovely so I think that you just have to remember that there is so much time stretched out ahead of us and none of us know what's going to

happen I just never think I just don't think go back I think there can be these really serendipitous beautiful things with relationships where a friend's mom actually was telling us the story and she had like been with a man in her 20s moved to a different country came back and they got back together another like more in love than ever I do think that sometimes someone that you've had a relationship before you can end up getting back with in later life. But I don't think you should be going back to do some recycling just because you're worried. I don't think that's a good idea. Also, I do think that we should learn from Maya Jama and Stormzy because I was so excited when they got back together. There was so much

nostalgia. I love a little romance. I love all that history. And I know that also what happens when you date later in life is you don't have this really rich tapestry of memories and stories and growing up together. And sometimes that can feel really sad because it's lovely when you have your love stories. But like I said, we've got so much time ahead. You can create all those memories and have all those stories. We're never too late. I know this is about dating. I'm talking about relationships, but I think that dating apps are really warping our brains. I think that just society has made women feel really unvaluable. I think that it's made men feel perhaps disenfranchised. And so I think that there's that phrase that I always come back to, it's so basic, but it's like, you can't control what happens to you, you can only control how you react. And so if what's

happening to us is singleness, then all we can do is how we react with and engage with our current state. So I wanted to read this message. I do feel like there's so much to be said for trying to work on all other aspects of fulfillment in your life for your long-term happiness rather than finding this in a romantic partner I've already found it can suddenly feel all hopeless or draining and I'm trying to clock off a bit from apps when it feels like that that doesn't mean we won't yearn to be in love or the comfort that that brings or be open to being in love it's. But I absolutely want it to be an addition where I have lots of my own tools and happiness already set up. I know this is so much easier said than done when you're feeling stuck. And believe me, I have been. But after a slow, slow burn towards

feeling exponentially better and content, I wanted to share. I might feel differently after dating grates me down a bit more and I'm let down by potential love blossoming but hey another message which so many of you loved in fact like three of you messaged me and were like I've now made this as my screensaver please can you turn this into a poster I didn't write it so I won't do that but someone said does anyone have any happy single stories and I got a message that read building an independent life yourself is one of the most empowering things you can do. Taking up every inch of a king-size bed, coming home to peace and silence, no skid marks, freedom. You can do anything you want. Invest time and money into hobbies, be as loud or as quiet as you want. The toilet seat is always down. Time to invest in yourself. Vibrators,

solo holidays, not being tied down to anything or anyone, no arguments, not answering to anyone, being selfish, playing your own music 100% of the time, girly sleepovers, sexy sleepovers, no in-laws, no compromise, having the opportunity to find yourself. I could go on and on and on. My biggest piece of advice is to purposefully pour all of your love, warmth, and affection into yourself and your home. All that love and space you hold for the other person take it for yourself is that not so goddamn beautiful the whole conversation was kind of being really down on dating and as I've been having this conversation I started to realize that I actually think sometimes going on dating apps can be like a bit of a form of self-harm. So I wonder if maybe the solution is to try and create a mindset, an abundance mindset

where you know that love will come to you. You're lovable, you're worthy, you're beautiful, you're clever, you're intelligent. You have your whole life ahead of you. There are so many people on this planet and you will find love. And I think that doing what that message said, pouring all of that investment and time into yourself, making yourself feel the best and most sparkly and really investing in your friendships and the world and learning can only be a good thing. And love will come along if that's what you want, if that's what you want to find. But perhaps we put so much energy into finding this other person to corroborate our life stories. I think that's a lot of what a relationship is

about. It's having someone seeing you, someone to yes and your story, someone to be like, do you remember when? It's kind of just having someone to walk through this life with us so that we feel valued and seen and real and alive and someone to laugh at your jokes. You know, all of those things are so beautiful. But you don't need to have that right now. And if you're single and if you're stressed, it will happen. And I think that, again, you can't control what happens to you. You can only control how you react.

And I think that the best way to react to singleness is to embrace it in whatever way suits you, whether that's 365 Brat Party Girl, whether that's getting getting in on your work which is what I'm trying to do I'm like I am working right now I'm so busy I'm giving myself so much stuff to do and I'm loving it and you can't do that when you're like falling in love it's very busy time of your life when you're falling in love you absolutely have no time for anything else so just find things where you can invest in yourself and I don't mean in like a finance bro level up whatever way I mean like fill up your cup make yourself feel so full and because I think then that it's like that thing of god this whole podcast is full of cliches I'm so sorry but putting your oxygen mask on first you, you have all the time in the world, girl. I promise you there are so many people to fall

in love with. There are people out there that are going to have a breakup next week. There are people out there that are going to get divorced. There are people that are in unhappy relationships. There are people that are in beautiful, super happy relationships. There is, love is everywhere. I just don't think it's on the dating apps. I really think maybe we need to delete the apps. The other good thing I will say is this is like a universal thing that's happening right now. Everyone is fatigued. I did have messages from like a man. He said they feel the same. I think the pressure on men is slightly different in that they feel like a financial pressure to be spending a lot of money on dates and like that kind of thing. And women kind of

feel like that men are always dating younger. So it's like a cyclical thing of no one's really we're not I don't think we're quite getting it right I'm meeting in the middle I think apps are facilitating a very weird attitude towards dating people think that it's like a game it's like costs money to meet people these apps you can spend more money to see more people to be boosted more that's kind of wild bring back democracy so I think this is I think really what we have to learn from this is dating is really difficult right now because this because of the dating apps or whatever but don't think that single time or being single is a bad thing I think it's really joyous and you'll look back on your single years I think you know that phrase

that's like when people say oh I wish I want to do this thing that's going to take five years. The five years is going to pass anyway. Don't fret about this time being single. You're single. So just dig in, enjoy it. Don't constantly be waiting and hoping to find that person. You will find love. Maybe it won't be in the way that you think it is. Maybe it won't be with the type of person you think it's going to be with, but life is long and love is everywhere. And I promise you, you will find it one day but for now let's all just be single and happy lol I've loved this I could have talked forever and I did I'm sorry uh I god I could honestly talk about this for the rest of my life I really need to stop okay I really hope you enjoyed this episode. I really loved talking about it. It's something that I found very relatable. I feel just like you guys. And I think that it's good to talk about it. And

I think it's good to realize that being single is not an indication of your worth. It doesn't mean that you're any less than. Also to any people in relationships listening, I know that loads of people are happy in relationships. I do think it's always good to remember that people aren't. Sometimes I know a trigger for always good to remember that people aren't it's sometimes i know a trigger for single people to think that everyone who's in a relationship is happy and we just know that isn't true relationships look very different to everyone and you can format it whichever way you want and you can be in a relationship for lots of different reasons and you can not be in a relationship for lots of different reasons um love you thanks for listening

please do rate review subscribe give me your thoughts and feedback. And I guess I'll see you right here next week. Bye. FanDuel Casino Daily Jackpots. Guaranteed to hit by 11pm with your chance at the number one feeling. Winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

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