Adulting - Let's Talk About... Jealousy

Episode Date: October 20, 2024

 Hello and welcome to Adulting, and the fourteenth episode of Let’s Talk About… a broadening of Adulting... where that was about all of the things we never got taught in school, this is almost like seminars on life; where my audience (that's you!), get to chat anonymously about things they couldn't necessarily discuss over lunch with their friends, or feel like they don't have anyone to talk to about whatever it may be.  To get involved, follow me on Instagram @oenone, where every Tuesday we vote on a topic and every Wednesday we dig deep. Let’s Talk About… Jealousy. The submission read ‘being jealous of others and how to overcome it’ I actually really loved this topic, because we all feel jealous from time to time but it’s such a shameful and somewhat embarrassing feeling that maybe we don’t always talk about it, so I felt it was nice to hold space to share these emotions and realise just how common they are. I hope you enjoy  as always, please do rate, review and subscribe!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600. Or visit connectsontario.ca. Select games only. Guarantee void if platform or game outages occur. Guarantee requires play by at least one customer until jackpot is awarded. Or 11 p.m. Eastern. Restrictions apply. See full terms at canada.casino.fandu.com. Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome to Adulting and the 14th episode of Let's Talk About, a broadening of adulting where that was about all of the things we never got taught in school. This is almost like Seminars on Life where my audience, that's you, get to chat anonymously about things they couldn't necessarily discuss over lunch with their friends or feel like they don't have anyone to talk to

about whatever it may be. To get involved, follow me on Instagram at Anoni where every Tuesday we vote on a topic and every Wednesday we dig deep. Let's talk about jealousy. The submission read, being jealous of others and how to overcome it. I actually really love this topic because we all feel jealous from time to time, but it's such a shameful and somewhat embarrassing feeling. And I feel like we don't always have the space to acknowledge those feelings or talk about them or bring them out into the open. So it felt great to hold that space for you guys to share and we will get into it deeper and hopefully figure out

a way to expel those feelings when they come out in a healthy and useful way that means we're not storing lots of negative energy in our bodies. I hope you enjoy and as always please do rate, review and subscribe. Let's start with some of the shorter messages. I'm jealous of my friends earning six figures living at home while I'm 29 and at med school. My four-year relationship ended this week and I'm struggling to be happy for friends in happy long-term relationships with homes. I feel bad for not being happy for others and I feel bad for not being happy for others and I feel bad for not being happy with what I have. I find it crippling and totally unnecessary. I hate feeling jealous of my friends. It makes me feel like such a bad person,

but sometimes I can't help it. I get jealous about money easily, especially family money. I know I won't ever have a big expensive wedding I think overcoming it takes a really conscious effort to rewrite your brain's pathway single 30 year old girl watching all my friends getting engaged having babies and I'm nowhere close a lot of the things that came up in terms of what people were jealous of were all of the things that we spoke about in the milestones episode, which if we refer back to that with this in mind and more exacerbated as we get older into these later stages of our lives, where we realize just how unequal and unfair things are, whether it's to do with privilege or luck or yeah, just timings. Some people will be getting things that you want sooner. Maybe they'll be getting things you want that maybe we will never get. And so I think jealousy is a really natural feeling that comes up for all of us. But I guess it's how we decide to look at that emotion and what we choose to do with it. How do we react to feeling that way? A longer message read,

Me and my friend had a really open and honest discussion about jealousy a year or so ago. We both admitted to feeling jealous of others and hated feeling that way. I was jealous of her new car and the lavish wedding she had. Then she admitted she was jealous of how many holidays I have a year and the fact that me and my partner eat out a lot and seem to have a good social life. It was a really healthy discussion and made us realize that there is always something we want that others have and it's rarely as perfect as it seems from the outside. We sometimes forget to look at what we do have. We never made each other aware of these emotions and I feel it's not always bad to be jealous. It's just a

natural human feeling but I can imagine some people will let jealousy ruin friendships or relationships etc. The grass is rarely ever greener. And if it is, probably not by much. And the person you're jealous of probably feels jealous about an aspect of your life. I think that's really lovely. And I think actually bringing jealousy out into the open is what dispels it so often. Because it's a rotting feeling, I think. It kind of erodes a part of you.

And if you feed that negative energy, it can make you quite bitter and sullen. And actually putting it outside and taking it outside of yourself can be really helpful I actually went for a Sunday lunch with some of my friends for a friend's birthday not that long ago and I was a bit hungover and I just started crying because we were talking about one of my friends engaged and she's just bought a new house and my other friend was like talking about her work going really well and the other one was talking about her relationship and I just started crying and I was like god I'm single and I'm 30 and all of these things I know don't really mean anything but I just suddenly for the first time I was I feel really behind and all my friends laughed at me it's just it was just so silly

that I was crying and I started laughing but then they were like one of my friends was like well look like you might be single but I've never actually lived with a partner. And my other friend was like, this might be happening with me, but your job is so cool and you've done all of these things. And they all kind of mirrored back to me the ways in which I have things, which we all do. Because I, in that moment, suddenly felt like I was way behind all of them. And they'd all got to this point that I was like failing to reach in different ways.

And they all, without missing a beat, were like like you've got this and you've got that and and also very humbly then admitted why they also felt like you know they were harboring these feelings of insecurities or like that they were behind and it was so useful and then we all had like an amazing conversation as well and I think sometimes just it's it can feel maybe self-indulgent to admit when you feel like you're not doing well, or also you don't want to offend your friends and make them feel like you're, you're being down about their successes. I was just really vulnerable and cried. It's so embarrassing.

I actually didn't really cry very much anymore. Maybe that's something to think about, but it was, it ended up just being such a useful conversation and a point to remember that it's so much easier to focus in on where you think your friends are doing really well and not necessarily look at where your life is going in ways that other people will be really proud of you and also think god that's so amazing I wish that I was doing that and sometimes I think we can feel jealous of things that we don't even really necessarily want and feel like, oh my God, I can't believe they've done X, Y, Z. But actually,

it's not even really something that you desire. It just feels so blatant that you don't have it if you're surrounded by it. I don't know if that makes any sense. Another message read, I have such bad financial jealousy. My parents never had any money and I've always felt I had to be self-reliant. I have a decent job now, but the thought that I have many friends that could just be bailed out of any tricky situation with parental money will inherit massive houses in London or thousands, if not millions of pounds, makes me so jealous I get kind of angry. I hate feeling that way, but I just think people who have parents that have money assume that everyone's parents must have something they don't this was probably the most common thing that came up I completely got this I got this too and it's something that at this age because of the world that we're living in and house prices

and inflation and wages it really is starting to show that the people who can afford to buy properties are people who have had financial help from their parents it's not something that I'll ever have access to and I very much am starting I do get that feeling inside because I think when if ever would I ever be able to buy a property you know if my career suddenly really takes off then maybe but as it stands I'm kind of trying to make peace with the fact that maybe I never ever will be able to own a property certainly not on like a single salary from being self-employed and certainly not without any like help for deposits not something I've access to and I do get these difficult feelings popping up sometimes

when a friend you know will be like oh my parents have just given me this deposit then I just have to think if my parents have it had it if my parents had the money they would absolutely give it to me and I would absolutely use it towards a house. And so I think we can't necessarily begrudge our friends too much, even though it can make us feel like we're falling behind. I think we have to remember that there will be so many people in our generation who are in the same boat. And the people that we focus on are the ones who are buying houses, but the majority of

people aren't. And so it can be really easy to feel like you're being really left behind. But it's only because the people are buying houses we know about it you know not everyone who's not or doesn't have the capacity or capability or help from family whatever it might be they're probably not walking around like shouting about that I had an amazing message which read it's actually making me so sad and kind of scared reading all of these that what people are jealous of isn't like a new car or holidays but literally just financial security a home like that isn't jealousy that's a generation that's been fundamentally fucked by the government and god that really like sat with me and actually i

read a tweet yesterday or earlier today from jason or can die that was like all i really want is a two-bed flat somewhere i don't want a house i don't want multiple properties i just want my own space and that resonated with me so much where i'm at right now I don't really know if I want a date I don't really know what's going on with that all my five-year vision is just having my own space with my little dog Astrid at some point in time and that feels like such a great ask and such a big thing and it didn't used to be and I think we've become because of the way that house prices become so exorbitant we become so used to framing access to housing as something that is such a luxury and you know feeling these sense of jealousy about people that can afford

actually things that previous generations wouldn't really have struggled to have got to on certain salaries and that makes me really sad and so I think a lot of our misplaced it's not misplaced a lot of our jealousy we need to recognize that it is everyone is is doing their best in this economy and it's just really fucking unfair the world that we're living through the financial thing came up time and time and time again and I completely am with you guys on that. Like I completely empathize on that feeling. I quickly just wanted to pull up the actual, the definition of like jealousy versus envy.

Envy is when you want what someone else has. So I think we're actually mostly talking about being envious because jealousy is when you're worried that someone's trying to take what you have, which also is true in certain things so I think that we sometimes see everything in the world as finite especially as women we're so frequently pitched against each other so I think I don't know why I always think about like tv presenters as an example but for example there's often like maya jammer at the minute will be like the tv

presenter and so it can feel like you might be jealous i don't know it's such a random example but because with women it's so often that there'll be one woman who'll be of the moment she'll be the thing and we're kind of taught to compete with each other and vibe for like this one spot whereas with men there does tend to be more an abundance of opportunities for them to excel and do better whereas women like especially in sort of like media and especially this expands further when you get into different demographics of race and ethnicities and and sexualities etc like obviously for white men there's just more of an abundance of everything generally in terms of careers and access and and like privilege and so I think we can feel jealous of certain things because it feels like

if someone else has that thing, they're taking it away from us. And reframing that mindset, even though sometimes that is pragmatically true, framing it and being like, I can also have that thing they have. And I can also be that person that they are them excelling them doing really well does not take away my capabilities of having it and maybe actually sometimes we are jealous when someone else gets something because we do somewhere intrinsically believe that by virtue of them having it and us not having it in this moment it means that we'll never ever get there and so even just thinking about it practically being like say it's about a friend's being in a relationship for example them being in a relationship is not going to stop you from

finding love and so finding a way to find joy for them despite the fact that you might be struggling with your own uneasy feelings around them having achieved a goal or got to a place that you want to be remembering that there is space for you to be happy and proud and like glad that they've got that and remembering that you too can also have that thing and I think we're always ebbing and flowing and dipping in and out of of having something and not having it and going through good patches and bad patches and times when life feels amazing and you're just so joyous and happy to be here and other times when you might feel a bit existential and nihilistic and just think what is the point it's so hard every day just have to keep going and someone sent in a message which read I sometimes

reframe it as how lucky am I that I get to go to this wedding how lucky am I to be able to visit this lovely house how lucky to be able to hear about all these amazing jobs and cool stories how lucky I am to have such cool clever successful gorgeous friends and this is so funny because my sister Emily bought a house with her husband they have two children and they've always rented so they've never owned a property she's five years older than me they both work full-time and they bought this like lovely house in Cheltenham and when I went there for the first time I just felt angry I felt so jealous like, oh my God, she's got this thing that I've always wanted. I love us decorated. And I, for a split second, just felt like cross. And then I did exactly what this person said. I had to think to myself, look, she's older than me. She's my big

sister. She has a family. This house is gorgeous and I get to come here whenever I want to. And this will be a home that no matter how my life expands or changes whether I end up having children or not I'll always get to come here and it's just as much a space that I get to enjoy and like she's she'll always have room for me and I it feels embarrassing to say I actually text one of my friends and be like god I had this like a really sort of like childish feeling and then and I felt like almost like I found it difficult to be like when she was asking me like do you like this do you like almost like I found it difficult to be like when she was asking me like do you like this do you like that I almost found it like hard to say yes which is so pathetic and then as soon as I kind of did this I was like it looks amazing I love everything you've

done it's so gorgeous and now I love going there and I've realized that it's her having a house hasn't taken something away from me but that is something I've always dreamt of having is and I think also because I've kind of made peace with the fact and I live in London so it's different but my piece of that maybe I'll never have a house and then like my dream is to just have like a flat a one-bed flat a studio even like I'd be so grateful for that and so I think seeing that it just really brought up that's kind of the most jealous I've felt in ages and it was weird and it did it can turn you into someone bitter like I said so I think that what this person said is such a good idea it's like you get to enjoy the spoils of other people's

pleasures and there'll come a time when you too will be giving someone else joy by virtue of whatever you've achieved or gained or bringing new people into their life or I think that's such a lovely way of thinking about it and there'll probably be times in our own lives when we're joyously sharing an amazing milestone or inviting our friends to come to something with us that we've got access to and unbeknownst to us we think we're doing something really kind and maybe their feelings of reciprocity are also matched with feelings of uncomfortableness and jealousy and so I think we have to not spoil life and spoil our time here by yeah allowing those feelings to overcome us and I think that that's such a good way of doing it and another thing and I spoke about this on

everything's content but I really do do this as well and it's and I've been doing it I really had to start doing this but like in my work for example all of my friends who are creatives every time they get something I can get that feeling the jealousy feeling of oh my god they've got that so I can't have it now like they've done it and I have to actively send them a really I it's not as conscious anymore like the house thing was the most jealous I've been in ages with my sister but with friends it used to like kind of make me feel I'd suddenly feel like it was a blow like oh my god they've got it so right I'm fucked I'm gonna have to like re-change what everything I'm doing do something else you know find a new idea and then I would

just message them say I'm so proud of you that's absolutely incredible you really deserve this that's amazing and then they would be like oh thank you so much that's so nice and then all of a sudden it was a shared lovely experience experience and changing, reframing those emotions. It's like Einstein, or was it Newton? Oh, well, guys, don't judge me. I can't remember. It's like all energy can't be destroyed. It can only be transferred. And so emotions are energies, I think. And so if you can change that negative energy into something positive and giving it to someone else as a beautiful gift, pride, happiness, encouragement, I think it makes you feel happier. It makes you a better friend and it just makes the atmosphere nicer. And I think it gives you more space and capacity to be open and happy about everything

that's happening in your life as well because your time will come and actually maybe it's already come I think sometimes when we let ourselves overcome with jealousy we're completely blinded to all of the privileges and luck that we've had over time and so trying to figure out a way that you can change that energy I think is a really good tool to have not only to so that your friends know that you're proud and happy then, but for yourself, for your own sanity. I know this probably sounds a little bit weird. saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio,

exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Another message read, I think social media, etc, has made consumerism worse recently, and there's a focus on financial wealth, but it's not all it's cracked up to be.

I think that all of us, most people are really struggling with money right now. You know, we're going through a cost of living crisis, everything seems harder, the world is just really bad. But when you have, if you allow that to be your focus, if you really just focus on that, and also this is not to say that there's such a good quote, I'm going to quote Jasper Housewives, but Gabby Solis, who's played by Eva Longoria, is a quote and she says, I think someone says money can't buy happiness. And she goes, sure it can. That's just a lie. We tell poor people to keep them from rioting. Absolutely. No, that's true.

It's been proven that there is sort of like a base level of money that means that you can live a certain standard of living. And then kind of everything above that that's completely extra can't necessarily bring you more happiness. But there is a certain level of income that reduces stress, that makes life easier, means you can afford to eat, heat your house, pay your bills. Obviously, that brings happiness that stability but it is also true that having excesses of wealth and we see it with fame and you know fame and money often often so greatly linked and the more and more stories that we hear from child stars and just all things that happen to famous people often things that we covet and think that look really glamorous. Sometimes I think we are better off not having total excesses and spoils. I think they come with their own troubles. And so another thing to focus on or

think about is really the relationships in your life and the way that you're looking after yourself and your health and the things that you're learning and the things that you're enjoying and the things that you've seen, whether it's an amazing film or a book you've got really into or a hobby, like we spoke about hobbies before. And because you can't necessarily control the outcome of your financial future beyond working, doing your job, maybe trying to find a new job that makes more money. But in the day to day, if you're fretting about that constantly all you're doing is like praying to the problem you're just giving so much of your time and energy to have this worry and like I said financial concerns are just the most stressful crazy burden to be

dealing with especially when we have people who are multi-billionaires who have so much money it's absolutely sickening and then just thinking so it's kind of there's two sides to this where I think it's so valid for financial issues and financial concerns and that kind of thing to be at the forefront of your mind but at the same time sometimes I think when I look at some people's lives who are the extremely rich and extremely famous and just are they happier? Is it all it's made out to be? And maybe thinking about the ways that some people who live really simple lives who don't have loads or aren't really that interested in material goods or having stuff or really lavish things might well be the happiest people because they genuinely are looking at what is satiating to

your mind body and soul and i'm sure we bring this up constantly but i just find it fascinating but from rutger breckman's utopia for realists he talks about the unhappiest countries are the countries with the biggest disparities in wealth and even if you're from a really poor country if everyone is sort of like economically in a similar bracket then they report much greater sense of happiness and so i did think it was interesting that the financial thing was the thing that came up because it's that it's that disparity in wealth disparity in access it creates such a sense of unhappiness and a lot of the messages were also about people feeling like people aren't disclosing their levels of privilege or the ways in which they've managed

to progress financially and that creates an unsettledness as well, because people might be looking out and thinking, how am I not at the same point as someone else? And I guess maybe that's a bit of a thorny issue that goes into a separate conversation around should we disclose privilege? You know, I think that in friendship circles, for me, I've never really had a friend lie or deny how or where you know money has come from certain things I think that's perhaps more complicated on social media you know does everyone owe it to anyone to be I mean it might be kind of weird if people were kind of you know saying disclaimer but maybe not I don't know but I don't know it definitely feeds into this feeling of just perhaps inadequacy

confusion and then jealousy because we can't necessarily grasp or understand how or why we feel like we're falling behind. And so that feeling of feeling like I've done something wrong and those jealous feelings can come up. Another message read, comparison is the thief of joy. I think it all circles back to how important it is to have a positive mindset and how having a positive mindset is an active practice, not just something that magically happens. It's totally normal and acceptable to feel jealous of people who are luckier or more privileged than you might be. And it is definitely very unfair. But I think it's an active choice to not let that jealousy eat you alive, because ultimately, when it does, you're the only one who suffers. Also, I completely accept that

sometimes it's very, very hard to practice positivity and maybe positivity isn't quite the right word. Instead, it's maybe more about the practice of being kind to ourselves and acknowledging we feel jealous and also not letting ourselves get stuck in that icky feeling. I like thinking of it as a practice because it's something you have to do over and over again and something you have to remind yourself to do. Some days it's easier than others, but that's okay. I love that message. And comparison is the thief of joy. It is so hard not to compare yourself. And it's so hard not to compare yourself as sort of component parts. And whether it's looking at someone's career and then measuring it up to your career or looking at someone's body and putting it next to your body or someone's hair or their clothes but we are not just a list of categorized itemized

bits and bobs we are an entire being who's so interesting and individual and fundamentally no one can ever be or no one else can ever be like us and the tritest thing i'm gonna say and you're gonna be like what the hell i know what's wrong with you but you know that thing it's like you no one else is you and that is your superpower i think what happens when we compare is we do do this thing where we split ourselves up into all of these factions and obviously if you're going to do that then a victoria's secret angel is going to have a better body than me and more money and you know better holidays and whatever but that's kind of it's such an irrelevant point to make because we're just living completely different lives we're completely

different people with totally different lived experiences and everyone will have their own issues and worries and mental illness and mental health and trauma and devastation does not discriminate against any point of privilege uh and so everyone will have their own story but obviously structurally it's very frustrating and can be really difficult to feel so much resentment and so much jealousy when fundamentally life is just easier for some people because of doors that they've had opens due to you know really kind of pointless extraneous reasons like the color of their skin or where they were born and something I've been talking a lot about with my housemate Grace recently is trying not to do this comparison thing

and she was talking about this idea of having a higher self and that five-year thing I spoke about earlier which is trying to think about visualize where you want to be in five years and what do you actually want that to look like what do you want where do you want to be in the world do you want to be in a relationship do you you want? Where do you want to be in the world? Do you want to be in a relationship? Do you want a different job? Do you want to be in a better routine? Do you want to sort out your relationship with alcohol? Do you want to sort out your relationship with your family members? Do you want to make certain changes? Make a really like definitive list of like, who is this person that I'm going to be in five years? And then work backwards from that and think about, okay, if that's where I want to get to, then what can I do day to day that's going to

make me help get there a bit quicker? Because looking around and chastising yourself for not being like some person you follow on Instagram, it's not going to get you any closer to feeling happier or more content in your own life. It's only a way to self-flagellate and actually probably put you on pause a little bit and not live your own life and it's not to say to be really selfish but actually look within we can only work with the tools that we've been given the brain the body and the mind and the access that we've got and so how can we do ourselves such a good service how can we make sure that we are helping ourselves to be the best version of ourselves and get to the best place because that's all really we can do you can spend hours and hours on end

feeling really frustrated about stuff and it's so fucking fair like really it is so fair but think about and that's also really grounding it's really nice because it's actually quite a relief to be like I don't actually have to constantly compare. When I had such bad body image issues when I was younger, I would just spend hours just staring at other people, looking at like those Victoria's Secret models and just constantly berating myself and hating myself and just feeling like a piece of shit. Like for what?

Like what good does that really do? You know, those people aren't going to stop existing. Their bodies are not going to stop looking like that. My body isn't going to change in that way. And so it's self-serving and it's so valid to feel those feelings. But on the same time, the only way to stop feeling them is to try and just remember that you cannot control all of these external things. All you can control is how you approach each day.

And there will be times when it will go backwards and something really awful will happen or something unexpected will happen but then that also means that something really amazing could happen something really unexpected in a good way can happen we love to focus on negative trends and times when we failed but almost all of us would have done something in the last five years that five years ago we couldn't believe that we would have achieved or seen or learnt and so it's just that thing of if you can keep it in mind and every time maybe you feel sort of jealous or you're you're wasting time really thinking about other people try and come back into yourself and be like what would make me get towards that person that I want to be maybe it's you know I'm just

going to be really better at seeing my friends I'm really cultivating those friendships because in five years time I want to make sure I've got this amazing group of people that I can always rely on who are my like my built family or maybe it's about getting into a better routine maybe you're going to start going to bed earlier and waking up a bit earlier when you really break it down there are only tiny little things that you've got to do every day the time's going to pass anyway and when you get to that five years time point you'll be so proud of yourself and you'll have done so much and there is something really to be said for making your own little achievements and being really proud of them and it doesn't matter if they don't square up to this person that you're looking up to who's so far out of

reach because there will be people who look up to you and think you're looking up to who's so far out of reach because there will be people who look up to you and think that your life's amazing and that they couldn't could only dream of being where you are we're so fixated on looking up and I think we need to look inwards a bit more know it's natural be open to talking about jealousy tell your friend I was so jealous when that happened I thought but I think it's amazing it's sometimes I think it's the shame that shrouds jealousy and envy that makes us feel embarrassed and those feelings can be quite harrowing and dark and make us become less kind and actually just being really like honest saying god when you did that I was so jealous but I think it's so fucking cool and I'm so proud of you and then it's gone there's no

there's no embarrassment there you said it and it's so fine and your friend will probably counter with being like you kidding I was so jealous when this happened so I think it's about not trying not to harbor those feelings protecting yourself by trying not to compare and when you do compare remember that you can't ever no two beings are really comparable everyone's lives are so different even if it's your sibling even if it's your identical twin you will have had so many different things that would have happened to you throughout your lives and so yeah I feel like that's so woo-woo in these chats but it's funny because often it's conversations that I've had with my

friends that week and I relate to everything you sent in and I hope you enjoyed this episode yeah love you see you next week bye And I relate to everything you sent in. And I hope you enjoyed this episode. Yeah. Love you. See you next week. Bye. Bye. the number one feeling, winning. Which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling, winning.

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