Adulting - Let's Talk About... Leaving London

Episode Date: December 8, 2024

Hello and welcome to Adulting, and the twenty-first episode of Let’s Talk About… a broadening of Adulting... where that was about all of the things we never got taught in school, this is almost like seminars on life; where my audience (that's you!), get to chat anonymously about things they couldn't necessarily discuss over lunch with their friends, or feel like they don't have anyone to talk to about whatever it may be.  To get involved, follow me on Instagram @oenone, where every Tuesday we vote on a topic and every Wednesday we dig deep. Let’s Talk About… Leaving London.  I hope you enjoy  as always, please do rate, review and subscribe!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome to Adulting and the 21st episode of Let's Talk About, a broadening of adulting where that was about all of the things we never got taught in school. This is almost like seminars on life where my audience,'s you get to chat anonymously about things they couldn't necessarily discuss with their friends or feel like they don't have to talk to anyone about whatever it may be to get involved follow me on instagram at anoni where every tuesday we vote on a topic and every wednesday we dig deep let's talk about leaving London the submission read exactly that now it's funny

because obviously I pick four submissions every week for you guys to vote on to choose and since we started doing this it's like you're all inside my brains you're always voting on topics that are like directly impacting me or I'm going through because I am actually moving out of London in January um I was going to talk about this on Instagram. It was just funny that this came up because I wasn't actually expecting everyone to vote for this. I kind of thought everyone was going to vote for the assisted dying bill, which is one of the other options. But maybe I'll go into my reasoning a bit later on. But basically, for lots of reasons you guys discussed, London's very expensive. I'm single. I'm living with my best friend,

which I'm absolutely loving. But in January, maybe just for a few months I don't know I'm working on a big project it's very expensive my sister has got this gorgeous big house in Cheltenham and I've decided that for a few months I'm going to go in love with her change the scenery change the pace focus on work focus on saving a bit and after I broke up with my ex, pretty much all my stuff went into storage. So it's quite easy to move because I only have a few things here at Grace's. So we'll get more into the discussion, but I just thought it's actually a very apt choice from you this time. So some messages. I haven't lived in London and want to, but lots of my friends are now leaving or hate it. I feel like I've missed the era and I have FOMO. I feel ready to leave my city and want to live in the countryside but I'm

scared of FOMO. A lot of stuff in London has lost its appeal. People aren't even that social anymore. Single, trying to plan for leaving London but feels impossible alone. Where to go, how to afford, etc. I secretly would love to leave London and move somewhere a bit more quiet or rural but I know I would look back and regret not living my 20s 30s to the fullest in a busy exciting environment with lots of opportunity I know however that will come a point where I can no longer afford to live this lifestyle as many young people are experiencing right now and will likely be forced out of the city whether I like it or not. It's interesting there's these two sides of things where I thought everyone's submissions would be kind of in my I never thought I'd move out of London I moved here when I was 23 both my parents from London I kind of thought I'd arrive in London and be here forever

circumstances change it's so. I felt quite sad when I made the decision like a few weeks ago. My sister kept offering it to me because she has this house and it kind of has like a separate bit downstairs. And she was like, why don't you just come and live here? You'll be with your nieces. You can work on your writing. And it just might elevate a bit of this stress you're feeling at the minute. And I kept saying no, because I just couldn't quite it felt like such a big change but actually I sat on it for a few weeks and then I was like do you know what it's a really amazing opportunity being with my nieces will be incredible and maybe it'll

be nice to experience this change of pace and London is so prohibitively expensive right now creative industries are not flourishing for everyone so now that I've made peace with it I'm actually really excited but it will be different because I'll be with my family so it means that I'm not going to be completely on my own in a new place it's easy to get the train into London um but I was actually nervous about talking about online because for some reason I thought people might see it as like a failure or a backward step again talking about those milestones things I've gone through a breakup at 30 I've moved out with a boyfriend now I'm like moving in with family and actually secretly what I hadn't realized was I'm

actually a bit excited London is my city I love it so much all of my friends are here I've felt my whole life here it's where if I ever had children I wanted to raise them and there was just so much tied up in leaving but I actually found it quite comforting how many people were saying the same you know people from London people that moved to London it is it just so much tied up in leaving, but I actually found it quite comforting how many people were saying the same. You know, people from London, people that moved to London. It has so much opportunity and so much stuff going on, but lots of us can't even enjoy that right now because it's just so expensive. So I thought that was really interesting. But conversely, I had a message that read, I'd like to talk about this because those who did leave are contemplating it. Is it really all it's cracked up to be?

I lived in London from 21 to 28. I had a bit of a mentee bee post-COVID and moved to the Cotswolds for a year. My rent was cheap. I had a lot of mental clarity and finances vastly improved. But I was so lonely and bored. It really taught me that people make the place. And I see people moving to Cornwall, etc. by themselves on TikTok for a quieter life. But then it's not all it's cracked up to be. Maybe it's controversial but I often find those who thrive moving out of London

are those coupled up or ready to start a new phase in their life, e.g. kids, and big cities don't serve them. I realise these communities aren't set up for singles. I moved back to London and life improved massively. There's just so much more to do here when you're young. Another message, I think London is good when you're single as as I found there's no opportunity to date outside of the city. I have actually made this basically in January. The plan is for a few months, but who knows? I'm going to move to my sister's. I'm going to work on my work. I'm not going to drink because I just, I do drive down here anyway, but I might extend that. And I'm just not going to date because I just think, I mean, obviously people are meeting people outside of cities, but dating in London, which is like one of the busiest cities in the world where everyone's got like Peter Pan syndrome and arrested development.

There's a lot of single people in London. If it's hard here, I was like, I don't think I'm going to bother trying. So I'm just going to have this patch of like really focusing on myself. But I really relate to that message. That person said it's so true. It's like young people are always told to leave big cities you know save money moving outside but if you don't have a built-in community if it's not where you're from it is definitely harder to build that community up and I literally my friends from every era of my life through work from school from university

from people that have my own jobs whatever it might be everyone lives in London there are a few that are starting to move out those that have gotten married or having babies but for the most part my community is here so the real only real reason why I'm not too worried is because I'll be with my sister and her husband and her kids and my parents will be there all the time so I will have that community in that way but it is really daunting and I think so much harder to leave a city than people make out and I do agree with that person's message that I think, especially if you're single, being in a big city is better. And yet it's so much harder because it's so much more expensive because of single tax, etc. And another message read,

100% agree. People are so quick to shit on cities, but the other side of it can be super isolating. What I will say is that other UK cities seem to have more of a central hub, i.ee one place most people go to go out and socialize London feels very cliquey and neighborhoody and it's mad how much the vibe differs northeast southwest you have to make the most of it gigs comedy culture lots of it is free or less than five pounds we're so lucky in the scheme of things but I can't wait to meet someone and not have to fill my time with all this stuff London dating is hard but that's another topic someone told me people in London take six weeks to make a decision from dating to

something more serious, whereas in the US people are more serious after a week. I don't know on all of this lol. The other side of it, moving somewhere smaller, countryside. My parents always telling me, I moved to a small town after eight years on apps and found the love of my life articles. But aware this is about lifestyle. I just say we're so lucky in this country generally loads of cities around the world facing war and we have freedom so let's just make the most of it another message hi i moved out of london two years ago after growing up in south london moving to manchester for uni and then to north london for five years with my boyfriend so i'm a city girl through and through i'm going to caveat my thoughts with i'm very privileged to have a partner to share the load with so it's less daunting but moving out of London has been a life-changing decision.

I think people forget you can still travel there, you can commute from all over albeit very unreliably and inexpensively but nothing really changes. I live on the south coast now near to Brighton. It's just over an hour for me to get to central which is not vastly different from being in the burbs. It's also fun leaving. You get to explore somewhere new, new pubs to drink in, new towns to visit on the weekend. There's no fatigue, overwhelm or FOMO of city life. In two years, I've not made many local friends, but I still have lots of pals in London and all over the UK. And it means visits are more. I also think you consciously invest more in friendships, not being in each other's pockets. I still commute to London for work. Well, I'm currently working through redundancy so I get the city fix

and I get to plan fun days nights out to restaurants and bars I want to try rather than feeling the need to be the first one there if anyone is contemplating it I honestly believe it's worth trying out it's not a permanent situation if you hate it you can move but the minute you're in a slower pace of life you'll notice the change in your nervous system calmer breathing relaxed muscles better sleep etc and i'd recommend bumble for friends sports groups gyms local facebook groups and chatting to neighbors people in coffee shops bookshops etc as a way to make friends but your pals will always be there i'm so interested to find out about this slower pace of life thing i think because my parents

both from London we spent a lot of time growing up visiting my grandparents and my family who all lived like in London or on the outskirts lots of my friends from school from London I went to boarding school but I wasn't a boarder and where we lived was like in the middle of nowhere and it was very isolated and I have a real fear of I also don't drive so I'm not helping myself but because where I grew up was so isolated I love being in a city where everything's walkable where I can get the tube where I can go to the shops really easily and so I my perception of the countryside or living outside of London was living at my parents which is quite literally in the middle of nowhere and we didn't really even have any neighbors it's like up this hill so being in Cheltenham will be different because it's in like a center and there'll be stuff to do and it's like easily transportable

but I'm so interested to see how much I if I find joy from not being in London because I associate it especially so much with my work I'll have to come in now because all of the events are in London and loads of work opportunities are in London, which was also part of my fear. But I'm obviously on Instagram, I'll take you along on my journey, and I'll let you know how I get on. It's going to be so new for me. And so I'm interested, but I'll be able to report back in the coming months how it is. Another message. I recently left London after living there for 10 years. I now live just under an hour away by train, so I can still visit and actually enjoy going into central London now. When I lived in London, I rarely left my local area at the weekend,

as I was fed up of commuting into the city during the week. Sometimes I do feel like I'm missing out when I have to leave a dinner early to catch the train home, but I love my new life and being in a smaller city, close to the countryside. I now have a second bedroom, which I could never afford in London, so people actually enjoy coming to stay. Another message.

This feels like a very divisive topic for 30-year-olds in my group. I'm so ready to leave London, but a couple of close friends who are so critical of this and frame it as boring. I moved to the suburbs and I'm so much happier and healthier. Cleaner air, bigger flat, nicer vibes. I lived in London for seven years in my twenties and racked up 16k of debt trying to keep up with the lifestyle, including

saying yes to holidays I couldn't afford because I felt like I didn't want to miss out. I made loads of friends through flatmates, et cetera, which was great, but also came up with that feeling of trying to keep up with everyone, which was overwhelming. I moved home with family in Chichester for two years and my life became so small. I've now moved to Brighton in a flat share which feels like a mini London but I still view London as the place to be and feel like I'm missing out sometimes but then also enjoy the less intense city vibes of Brighton. It's hard to shift out the mindset that nothing happens outside of London. I find this whole discussion a bit confusing. Why does it seem that the only two options are one London big city or two rural countryside?

I live in another country, so it might be different. But should there not be an alternative to the middle two, like a city with around 100 to 2,100 citizens, where you still have job opportunities, social activities, sports, etc., but obviously less busy and expensive? Why is this option seemingly forgotten? I think it's so true. We live in a very capital-centric country. London, there are obviously opportunities in every other big city and communities. I guess London feels like an easy place to move if it's not where you're from when it comes to big cities, whereas perhaps moving to Manchester or Liverpool or Bristol feels more, even though it's not, it just

feels like I guess London's more obvious choice and just truthfully there is more going on in London and even if you live in another big city especially in like creative worlds it's probably likely that you'll end up having to commute into London but we do have a very London centric point of view and I think that's harmful to cities I think it's harder for young people that and it's also really harmful on people that are from London that get priced out and a lot of the messages were people expressing the fact that it's hard to read people that have come to London for jobs and opportunities then begrudging the city for being too expensive when people who have grown up here and spent their whole lives here

whose families are from here are being priced out and don't necessarily have somewhere to go back to because London is where they're going back to and so I think it is a narrative that needs to be changed and I don't know necessarily how that happens because obviously there is stuff going on in every city but yeah London it just has that appeal although maybe that is changing a little bit in response to this someone wrote Londoners just don't realize Bristol Brighton Cardiff Liverpool and Manchester are all extremely diverse and exciting places to live in England if you aren't in banking politics or the arts there is also equal opportunity outside of the capital I think to be fair though this is all coming from a girl who lives in Cornwall and commutes to London for work once a month the rest of the time I work

from home I do have the best of both worlds in some ways, but it frustrates me that people say moving out of London will cause a loss of friends. I have so many here. There are people everywhere. You just need to find them. I know people who have felt extremely lonely in London because of the lack of friendliness in the sense that you can't walk into a pub alone and be able to sit down and make a friend. I think that's another interesting thing is the city can be really harsh for people coming who don't have those friends. I was lucky that when I moved here, all of my friends from uni had moved here. Lots of my friends from school are either from London or moved to London. So as much as I have made new friends along the way in

my 20s, I was very fortunate to arrive in a city where there are already people but lots of people's experiences of London aren't that and it can create massive senses of loneliness when you're in such a big place with so much going on and it feels like your life is very small and so I think there is something to be said for being able to find a community which is more regular than say in a big city where I've got friends that live all over the city and some of them are an hour away, some of them are 20 minutes. Everyone's super busy. Everyone's calendars are crazy. Whereas when you do speak to people perhaps who live in slightly smaller cities or more rural areas,

they have a set of friends which they see more regularly where they go to that one central place that they all visit. So I think that there is it's definitely something to be said for singleness for dating for opportunities in certain ways but I completely believe that there are lots of people who also find London a really lonely place for loads of reasons and someone else said I grew up in London and moved to Cambridge for university then to Norwich after meeting my partner best decision of my life I never wanted to leave London when I lived there but after leaving I realised I was living in a bubble and was ignorant to other incredible cities in the UK. Smaller cities also have a greater sense of community, are less expensive and still have endless things to do. Norwich particularly is filled with culture,

art, incredible nightlife and nature. The only downside is job opportunities. I work remote and commute to Cambridge once a week. Another thread of messages was about the fear of moving out of London and ending up somewhere where there isn't as much of a lefty liberal bubble. And someone wrote in and said, that's one of my biggest fears where I grew up. It was pretty backward. And so I just don't want to be in a place that holds those views. And someone else made a good point of surely this is generational. And I do think that is true. It's also something I've thought about. It's one of the reasons why that holds those views and someone else made a good point of surely this is generational and I do think that is true it's also something I've thought about it's one of the reasons why I'd want to raise my children if I had them in London because I do think that there is that you know

greater sense of conservatism outside of London and sometimes people hold very backward views and that's not something which I personally would want to know, have a family in that kind of environment. But like someone said, it is generational. So perhaps, you know, if more and more people are leaving the city, we'll create more and more bubbles. And people are writing in to say that in the areas they're in, you know, you can find communities that align with your views. But I had some other messages in which read,

27 black female, the fear of not finding community elsewhere has handcuffed me to big cities. And someone else said, you can't leave London easily if you're not white. It isn't safe and there are less people like you. And so I think that's another really crucial element to this conversation as well, is that there is a level of privilege of being able to move to different places where perhaps they are less culturally diverse and whilst it might be difficult in other ways it won't necessarily feel less safe another message read i'm a born and raised londoner lived there till i was 27 moved out and haven't looked back i was so overstimulated and without realizing it quite unhappy i have loads of friends there and still

see them often but i felt an overwhelming expectation when i lived there to move at 100 miles an hour be in the rat race rat race with constant comparison and not be able to miss out a night out etc. Yes it's a wonderful city with an abundance of opportunity but there are equally amazing opportunities outside of London too. There are so many amazing places in the UK and sometimes you have to be brave enough to break the mould, find joy in the active choices you make and stop comparing to others. Another message, came here to say that moving from London to Edinburgh after seven years of London was hands down the best decision I've ever made. Still get to access all the lovely things I love from living in a city, lots of culture events and good food and bars but I can also drive 10

minutes and be in the middle of the countryside. It's only ever as busy as in London everywhere all the time during the fringe and Christmas and you can easily get away from the masses. I made the solo move to Bath about five years ago after 15 years in London, and I love it. No regrets. But my London salary was half what it was in London, and that's been an adjustment. Probably the biggest adjustment, to be quite honest. I still love visiting London, but I love the feeling when I'm on the way back home. I feel like part of the reason I've been so content, however, is because I feel like I've done my time in London so to speak have my share

of the big city life and it gave me a lot but it took a lot for me too so I'd highly support people's decision to move from the bigger cities to the smaller ones walkable cities are the best or even deeper into the countryside but plan ahead walk don't run type vibe it's another thing that I really kind of thought about when I was making this decision because I could have tried to carry on living in London and I can't afford to live my own like I did before so if Grace wanted to move somewhere different I could potentially move in with her but I was just trying to be really realistic about what that was going to look like financially and at the minute I'm sure you listen to everything's content but we've been working on that as like an independent podcast we initially were signed by a really big podcast

distributor for like a year and we were piloting it and then they decided to go in a different direction and got kind of more famous hosts and so the cost of producing and making that podcast for a year without any income from it uh as much as I love it and think it's gonna be so successful that's been a really difficult financial investment so it's it's making decisions about what I want my career to look like but anyway sorry back to that message was I have done my time in London my 20s in London god I've had more fun and it was always one of the things I wanted to know is that when I got if I ever decided to have kids if I ever wanted to have a slowed down pace of life I wanted to be able to look back and say I really did have all the fun and I realized that maybe without realizing I kind of I am ready maybe in some ways for my life to come a bit to become a bit smaller the thing for me is always my career

that's kind of like my big thing that's like the thing that I focus on and I guess has become so much of my identity but I in terms of like enjoying the things the city has to offer I really have done that so I'm interested to see if that's true or if I'm just being positive but that was something that I really thought about as well was maybe I have enjoyed enough and maybe I'm ready to experience something a little bit different. But conversely, another message read, I think the slower pace of life factor only works if you're both making the move and also significantly changing other parts of your life, i.e. career. I like the idea of

living in the countryside with a slower, simple life, but in reality, if I moved, it would still involve commuting in. So it really would just add an extra hour of your free time traveling back from work when yes, you could be spending that time exploring new bars theater etc but more realistically you're ensuring you still have time to carve out the busy day at home chilling this part of my day would be significantly eaten into if i left london so in one way leaving london could also cause more stress and less free time than staying put i think what is so interesting from so many messages is so many people just feel so drained from life right now it's so expensive the amount of work that we have to put in in order to

survive and this came up you know in the bonnie blue conversation as well it's like you can't just have a traditional job anymore and that be enough to sustain you there'll be a time when you could have you know both parts of a couple working in really normal nine till fives and that'd be enough to rent a home or even buy a home and start a family and so I think this is being exacerbated in London where there are so many positives to it and I absolutely love the city but so many of you are basically just saying you feel burnt out it's exhausting all of the fun parts of London that you love are not even kind of reachable right now because of the expense. And to be honest, I was quite surprised by the reaction and I found it like a bit comforting. It is a bit daunting saying you're moving out. I have this like,

weirdly, personally, I'm really excited. Obviously, I'm only moving in with my sister. It's just going to be a trial run, save some money. But I'm also interested to see whether or not it breaks me from London if it makes me think actually there is a world outside or if by March I'm like right actually I'm going to try and figure out how to get back there but I'm so fortunate to have that ability to do this little testing because I'm already kind of like up in the air um with all my stuffing and storage and never because with Grace I always moved in as just like what's going to happen next she was thinking about maybe moving somewhere else I was going to move in with her and that would feel more permanent so yeah I guess lots of us clearly every time we do these episodes are going through similar feelings and emotions and similar life upheavals not everyone

it was just interesting to read and the main thing I guess I am interested to feel is it is that pressure that hustle culture that level of hyper productivity is that kind of exclusive to cities like London or very more London itself but I will be taking along on Instagram and sharing how I find it basically whatever you decide to do I think there's going to be there's going to be positives and negatives and it's what you make of it and what you find from it I think there is some weird fear about leaving London like your life will obviously change completely but maybe it'll be for the good and I guess the only way to find out is through doing that so that is what I'm doing and I will take you along I love all our conversations as always and thank you for sharing all your thoughts and feelings and I will see you back here next can. Dr. Raymond Ng and team are using AI to harness crucial data

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