Afford Anything - Powerful Tactics to Take Control of Your Life and Career, with Dr. Reza Abraham

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

#391: Dr. Reza Abraham, an international leadership consultant, walks us through a framework of staying in control of your career and your life. This framework utilizes a singular core, three cornerstones and twelve principles.  He explains how to apply and execute these principles to reinforce personal fulfillment, growth and progression.  0:00:47: Introducing Dr. Reza Abraham + the framework for staying in control of your life through a core, three cornerstones and 12 pillars 0:02:48: The core of taking control: consciousness 0:06:41: The first cornerstone: contentment 0:08:46: The second cornerstone: consistency 0:12:30: The third cornerstone: conversion 0:15:05: Five reflection questions to review for intentional growth and progression 0:24:17: The first pillar: character 0:30:03: The second pillar: communication 0:33:16: The third pillar: curiosity 0:35:15: The fourth pillar: compass 0:38:14: The fifth pillar: courage 0:39:22: The sixth pillar: collaboration 0:45:46: The seventh pillar: connection 0:48:04: The eighth pillar: competency 0:52:04: The ninth pillar: companionship 0:56:18: The tenth pillar: cash 0:56:53: The eleventh pillar: condition 1:00:52: The twelfth pillar: contribution Resources mentioned: #383: How to Talk About Money with Confidence and Charisma, with Vanessa Van Edwards - Afford Anything For more information, visit the show notes at https://affordanything.com/episode391 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You can afford anything but not everything. Every choice that you make is a trade-off against something else, and that doesn't just apply to your money. That applies to your time, your focus, your energy, your attention, any limited resource that you need to manage, saying yes to something implicitly means, turning away other options. And that opens up two questions. First, what matters most? And second, how do you align your decision-making and your actions around that which matters

most. Answering these two questions is a lifetime practice, and that's what this podcast is here to explore. My name is Paula Pant. I'm the host of the Afford Anything podcast, and today, Dr. Reza Abraham joins us to discuss a framework for taking greater control over your career and your life. Dr. Abraham received his MBA from the MIT Sloan School of Management and then did a PhD specializing in people, change, and knowledge transfer. Since then, he has worked internationally as a leadership consultant. Born and raised in Iran, he currently resides in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, and he works with organizations worldwide on issues related to personal development, leadership,

and managing change. He is the author of a book called In Control, which presents the framework of one core, three cornerstones, and 12 pillars that support the notion of taking a greater degree of control over your career and your lifestyle, given that so many people in the Afford Anything community are interested in financial independence and early retirement, that so many people are interested in a midlife career change or a midlife life life change, change in radically shaking things up and disrupting the status quo. Given that shared interest among this community, my hope is that Dr. Abraham will present

a framework that might help many of us think through some of these career and lifestyle changes that we hope to achieve. Enjoy this conversation with Dr. Reza Abraham. Hi, Reza. Hi. Thank you for being here. It's really a privilege to be here with you. Thank you for calling us. I appreciate that.

You write about a systematic way to take control over your life, your work, your career. During our next hour together, I'm looking forward to going through the specific actionable tactics, that systematic approach to taking control of your life. But before we do that, I'd like to first start with what you describe in your book as the core of taking control, which is consciousness. Can you describe what you mean by that? Consciousness is defined as the ability to stay aware and mindful. It means that you realize that although the life that we are going through sometimes,

we are not in full control of everything happening around us, but you stay responsible for what you can control so that you don't have to apologize or you don't even need to use it as an apology for the things that you can't control. So the whole concept of in-control model start with that understanding that, hey, you know what, I can actually get in control of my life and career. And I would like to also emphasize on the word systematic. So this is an interesting word that different people often define it very differently. The way I define it, systems can help an ordinary person achieve an extraordinary result predictably. It means that no matter how ordinary you are, and it doesn't matter which stage or which basically life you have gone through, where you are in your life right now, you can still achieve an extraordinary result as long as you are following the system.

So what we try to find out, is it possible to put this whole things into a system and where the whole system gets started when one come to this understanding that, hey, you know what? I can actually take control of my life and career. You need to be conscious about it. That's why we put consciousness at the center of the whole system. When one become mindful of what's going on around you, and you just take full responsibility for the things that you can't control so that you don't have to apologize for what you can't control. Would it be accurate to say that consciousness is understanding what is within your locus of

control and then focusing on that circle of influence, borrowing the, concepts from Stephen Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People? Yes. People need to realize like, hey, what is it in my life that I can control right now? And focus on that. And the things that you can't control them, you just put them aside. Even in the matter of like very, very sensitive issues like death and life, somebody has a cancer.

You know, a client of mine, a few weeks ago I was talking to him, he has three boys. While I was going through the conversation, I noticed the guy is such a jovial person. It's like so much energy, so much happiness. And I ask him, like, so how's your kids are doing? And then he said like, oh, Reza, I just got to know last week that my second son got cancer. But the guy was in so much joy and he was having such a great energy. So I look at him and say like, you know, oh, man, I'm so sorry for that. He said, no, don't be sorry.

I'm just focusing on the things that I can control right now. When I'm in front of my son, I smile, I'm jovial, I'm giving him a lot of good energy. But you know what, there is, when the door closed, I'm crying. Because I want to make sure that when I'm with them, I just focus on the things that I can control. At the end of the day, I am not a medical expert, but I can control my emotions, my spiritual, my energy.

So that's where my focus is going to be right now. It makes sense, right? So that's where consciousness comes in. I mean, that the guy actually comes to that realization that I just need to focus on the things that I can control. Wow. And that's a powerful example. Thank you for sharing that. Starting from the core of consciousness, you then describe three cornerstones and 12 pillars. I'd like to talk about all of those. But before we do, can you first describe what is the difference between a cornerstone and a pillar conceptually?

So the first one, the first cornerstone, it's contentment, which is basically it's all about living a life that you don't regret. you don't leave anything behind. And that is basically in a typical definition. I think the closest one we can put it as a happiness. So it means that whatever you do in your life, whatever you do in your career, if you are not happy, it means nothing. And that is exactly the definition of the in-control life as well. I define the whole in-control model as when you love what you do,

you love who you do it with, you love who you do it for, and you love how you do it. It means that there is an element of contentment in every aspect of your life and career. So that's the first cornerstone. All right. So contentment is the first of the three cornerstones. Before we move to the other two,

are there any specific actions that a person can take in order to increase the level of contentment in their life? Okay. So the best way to reach to the contentment based on our understanding was gratitude. It means that you realize that, hey, you know what? I just need to be happy with what I have right now.

But that doesn't mean that you settle for mediocrity or being an average person, you know, meaning that if you're, I'm sure you're familiar with the Carol Dwegg job, that, you know, growth mindset. So people who are very content and they are having a lot of elements of gratitude, but also at the same time, you're applying growth mindset. It means that your happiness also, your gratitude also is keep on growing. So that's where, you know, you have like role model that you keep on improving. proving yourself, even in terms of your happiness as well. So you don't settle down or being an

average person or mediocre. So I would say, like, the best one, it's kind of like a mixture of like growth mindset gratitude. Okay. So having a gratitude practice, maybe one in which you are journaling every day three bullet points as to what you're grateful for, for example. Very good. Yes. Or sharing that with somebody, sending a text message to a best friend where every day you text each other, three things you're grateful for. And this is basically where the second cornerstone comes in based on what you have just mentioned. All right. Let's talk about that second cornerstone then.

So the first one is contentment. Contentment. The second one is consistency. It's all about consistency. It means that no matter whatever you do, if you are not consistent, you will not see the outcome. Right. And that is where like even in an example of the gratitude, what we found very interesting. I think, again, a lot of people has spoken about like,

the discipline. And this is something like, you know, which I learned it for the first time when I was in my early 20. I learned it from Jim Ron. He said the system for success is few discipline practice every day. That's all. So what kind of discipline, for example, like making up your bed every day or plan your day every day, do the reflection every day or like exercise every day?

So it all comes from that happen. And I can tell you when I personally started the journey of writing, if it was not because of consistency, it would have never happened. And I follow the same model that has been introduced, I think, if I'm not mistaken, by a British Journal of Habit Building, where they talk about like, you want to build a habit, you just got to do it for 10 weeks, which is equal to 70 days, which is against the old practice that people used to say, like, oh, you want to build a habit, you just got to do it for 21 days. that is basically a study by Stanford back in 1950 or something, which in today's life definitely doesn't happen. I think the whole idea, you know, what happened, Paula, when I started writing, I wanted to test these things. And I can tell you, you know, I have even my recording, I have the pictures of it, that I started to use this habit tracker. So every day, every day, and I can vouch for this.

I wrote down exactly what needs to be done. The goal was to wake up every single day at 5.30 a.m. By 6 o'clock, I was in front of my laptop. I wrote for one day and I did not miss even one weekend. Once you start doing it, by the time you reach to the week like fourth or fifth, if you miss one day, one single day, you feel so guilty inside that you start to like, you know, hate yourself. So here's what they found. They said that if you miss it for one day, it's still okay. But don't miss it for two days. Right. Never miss two days. Never miss two days. So that's

where the consistency comes in. So anything, any pillar or any habit you want to do it, you want to build a consistency, the best way to do it is apply 10 weeks. 70 days, just go for it. And here's the most important part. Right. Now, in your book, you talk about some other tactics that can help a person solidify a goal that they're trying to reach. So for example, be incredibly specific about exactly where and when you'll do it. So in the example that you shared, it was writing at precisely 6 a.m., which required waking up at 5.30 a.m. So you had specificity in the where and in the when. The where is at your computer. The when is 6 a.m. Exactly. Yeah. That is a very important one. So here's what we found is that if you are not doing that, if you just say, you know what, I'll just wake up, let's see how, you know, so you will always find some excuses of just simply not doing it.

So it's very important to make sure you are super clear with yourself exactly when you want to do it, where you want to do it, how you want to do it. That's why you say, like, a daily tracking system basically is a must. The first cornerstone you talked about is contentment. The second is consistency. where this is leading is that with consistency, you can often reach that third cornerstone, which is conversion. Yes. How do you define conversion and specifically what can a person do tactically in order to increase their conversion results? Conversion is the third cornerstone to build that in control life.

And what is the definition of the conversion is basically your ability to stay ahead of progress. We don't want to use the word change because change will always trigger the negativity in people. People often don't like to change, but they love to progress. And the way we define conversion, it basically in a simple definition is all about growth. It means that whatever you're doing, if you're not growing at the end of the day, if you're not getting better at the end of the day, it means nothing again. We call it destination disease. So sometimes when we are living our lives, at some point,

We start thinking like, oh, man, I already settle my car. I already settled my house. My life is in order. If they have kids, you know, the kids already start to go to school, go to university, get the job, right? So at some point, they just stop growing. We have seen many people that they are living, but they are not really alive. You know, they are not growing at the end of the day. And that's exactly the very first step that you realize that a person, his growth journey, has just stopped. And there are many studies in this area. I think the best person who has done a fantastic job in this area is Dr. David Bus, who is one of the top 10 cited psychologists on Earth. He's also the founder of evolutionary psychology.

So he found out that once people cross the age of 25 or 30, our growth journey slow down a lot or learning agility become super slow. And if you are not reading, if you are not listening to podcasts, If you are not intentionally put yourself in an opportunity to grow, you can simply stop. And we have seen a lot of people like that, meaning that the stuff that they're talking about, it's like, you know, stuff that they learn it actually in backing like, you know, this school time. There is a study that they have done specifically. One of the country in Asia, they did a study that 83% of their adult, once they graduate from university,

they don't even read one book. This is where exactly the whole journey of like growth gets started. And that is our third cornerstone. In your book, you also mentioned five questions that you methodically ask yourself each day to make sure that you are growing, you're progressing in an intentional direction. Can you review what these five questions are and discuss the practice of methodically asking yourself the same five questions each day, setting up some type of trigger that sends these questions to you each day? I picked up these questions in my own growing up as a child.

My dad used to ask us these questions whenever he picked up from the school. Not all of them, but he has these very simple questions that every time he picked up from the school, he asked us this three questions. What did you learn today? The second one was, what did you laugh about today? And the third one was, what did you love about today? So he never asked us that typical question of how was your day, great, and the conversation just end there.

He put it specifically, what did you love, what did you learn, what did you laugh about today? So when I grown up, these questions, of course, evolve. And these are the five questions that, Paula, I ask myself every single day at 9 p.m. Specificity again. Exactly, a specificity. You have to be a specific. So what happened is that I have two boys. 8 to 9 p.m. in my calendar has been blocked that I am not going to check my phone.

I'm not going to get distracted by anything and I specifically play with my boys. So I play with them, they put to sleep. And 9 p.m. my calendar goes and I do my 5 to 10 minutes reflection every single day. This is what I have learned from John C. Maxwell. He said that experience does not make you wiser. Most people, they think like when we get older, we are getting wiser. But that's not really true. So what makes us wiser is the evaluated experience that you have on a single day.

So at 9 p.m., I have my phone. I'm using basically this app that exists almost in every phone, keep notes. So I have my daily reflection. I open that up and these five questions are there. So the first question that I asked myself, so what did I learn today? As simple as that. It could be something related to your life or it could be something related to your work. And once you do it for a couple of days, you realize like your brain becomes so quick, so agile to pick up what's the most important things that you learn today?

Because we are constantly absorbing. The second question is that what did I love about today? And that is very important. So it could be, for example, like, you know, I receive a compliment from someone or I have gone through some experiences which was awesome and I love it. So I note it down. So that will help you basically to stay content. The third one is, have I managed to achieve my goals today? So how do I track that?

In the morning, in the morning, again, at 8 a.m., I always do my planning. So what I do, I would just write down, I don't call it to-do list. I call it as the big wins for today, the big wins. And I often identify three to maximum five things. So how do I do that? is that I always ask myself that, like, what's the most important things basically to do for today, which is very impactful. Then at the end of the day, I just check the goals that I have, the three to five things, have I achieved them or not? If not, it will automatically go for tomorrow.

And the fourth one is like, what would I like to learn for tomorrow? This is basically to give myself that growth journey because I'm constantly growing. I need to get better. And finally, this is basically the grateful question. It's like, what am I thankful for today? Which is something that I ask the same question, even from my two sons, before they go to sleep too. Which relates back to that gratitude practice that we talked about for the contentment point. Exactly.

These are some of the things that, Paula, people need to really, really learn it and establish it for other people in earlier stages. So the five questions, what did I learn today? What did I love about today? Have I achieved my goals that I set out for today? What would I like to learn tomorrow? And what am I thankful for? What I hear and what you're describing is that each morning, you methodically, at a specific time, set aside five or ten minutes to outline what your three to five big wins for the day are, what your intentions for the day are. And then each evening,

methodically at a specific time, you set aside five to ten minutes to reflect on how the day went. And with the same standardized set of questions. Same. Same. This is a great discussion around what we've covered so far is the core. which is consciousness, another way of saying, maintain your locus of control, and then the cornerstones, which we've discussed contentment, conversion, and consistency. We are going to take a quick break for a word from our sponsors, and when we come back, we'll talk about the 12 pillars which stand on top of this foundation.

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Let's talk about the 12 pillars. Can you give us a rundown on what the 12 are? There are 12 pillars and some of them is related to life mastery. Some of them is related to the work mastery. So if I want to go through it, and some of them, of course, you know, they have like a little bit of interrelation there. So the first one is character, communication, curiosity, compass, courage, collaboration, connection, competency, companion, cash, condition, and contribution. So these are the 12 pillars.

That is a lot. So let's go through these. Let's methodically go through these one by one. And let's talk about specific actions that a person can take in order to, enhance their life and take greater control of their life in the context of each of these 12 pillars. Let's start with character. Now, you define characters the ability to stay in control of actions and thoughts. Sure. How can a person put that into practice, particularly given that it's human nature to have obtrusive or unwanted thoughts, and it's human nature to notice,

in hindsight, that you've just been procrastinating on social media for 45 minutes, even though that was not an intentional action. Sure. So let's first of all define what is character. And most people, they define character behavior, traits, personality as pretty the same. But the way I put the word character is that who you are when no one is watching you, when you're alone. Like you're going to the hotel, they give you two cards.

And then when you want to exit from the hotel room, most people, they just leave one of the cards there. And they don't do that at home. They leave the lights on. they lead the aircon on. So the key difference between character and the other definitions like behavior, traits, and personality is that character, it's pretty much who you are as a person. And sometimes even your parents don't know about you. Your family members don't know about you.

You are alone. This is what Billy Graham said. He said, when your wealth is lost, nothing is lost. When your health is lost, something is lost. But when your character is lost, everything is lost. So character is mostly formed in the first 25 years of a life. And that's very important to understand that. Once you cross the age of 25, the only way to change someone's character is often

to go through a massive trauma or they're going through a life learning lessons in a long period of time. You have been influenced by someone. So it means that we can't do anything about someone's character if he or she personally don't make a decision to change themselves. That's why character often is very very. very, very difficult to change. So only when one person come to that realization that I want to upgrade my character, they make a decision, then only they will make a decision to do that. So let's say that a person who's listening to this podcast wants to upgrade their character. They want to be a better person, a spiritually, ethically, morally better person three months

from now than they are today. What specifically can they do in order to improve their character? There are a couple of lessons that we can go through it. See, every one of us, we go through some massive pain in our life. And there are certain things that we don't like it and we don't want that things to happen again and again. But unfortunately, we keep falling to that trap and making the same mistake. So one of the biggest lessons that we learn about the people who manage to shift the character and grow in that area are the examples that they don't let any massive pain just go to. waste, meaning that you capture it and you come to that realization through a reflection point that, hey, you know what, I don't want to be that person. I want to be a different person. And character, unfortunately, is one of those areas that if you don't have a person to hold you accountable, like an accountability partner or a peer pressure, oftentimes people will start to just like loosen up a little bit and then after a while you just go to waste. So here's the thing. This is where the cornerstone will come to your help. Consistency. Consistency here

can actually form a person's character. It means that if you can do something, let's say, for example, let's take an example of like putting aside smoking, which is basically become part of your character because you've been doing it for a very, very long time. So the study shows again, if you are consistent in not smoking, let's say, for example, for 10 weeks, there is a very, very high chance for you to just stop smoking. And it means that you can actually build your character around it. So there are so many things about us that sometimes we don't like it. You know you don't like it, but you just don't do anything about it. So pull the cornerstone of consistency and help yourself to build that. So this is one way to do it. But sometimes people say,

well, you know what, Reza, I have never gone through any massive trauma. My life is just like a normal average life. So here's the second one. By observing the other people's trauma. I can give you one example on this one. You know, a friend of mine, he loved his parents. Right before COVID started, in the June of the year, 2019, if I'm not mistaken, he lost his father.

So I went to the funeral and he was crying like a child. So when I went in front of him, he just looked at me and then he put, I said, like, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how close you were to your parents and so on. So he put both of his hands on my arms. He looked at my eyes and say like this, he said, Reza, I am willing to give everything I have to just get my parents back, my father's back for one more day. If your parents are still alive, take care of them. This is what Richard Dawkins said.

He said, adult, who only learn from their own trial and error, will always lose to adults who learn from other people trial and error. So you don't need to go through every trial and error, every massive trauma to form your character when you can actually learn it from somebody else who has gone through that. So the best way to form the character, to rebuild or reshapen our character is number one. Don't let your own massive trauma to go to waste. Or when you see somebody else go through a massive trauma, capture it, take the lesson, improve yourself, and make sure you don't go through the same error. Thank you for sharing that story.

since there are 12 pillars to go through, I know we could talk about character for quite a while, but I want to make sure we get to the rest of these. So let's move to the second of the 12 pillars, which is communication. Specifically, how can a person practice being a better communicator? And what defines better? Communication is one of those areas, which I often call it, is one of the spine of leading and working. in control. And why we say communication? Because communication is the way that we connect with other people. And what we found very interesting as a communication, and those people, which normally I often people, there are two types of communicators. One group we call them as an incompetent educator

where they take something super simple, make it so complicated so that nobody understand what they're talking about. And there is a group of people. We call them as a professional communicator. are the people who can take something super complicated, make it so simple so that everybody can understand. And that's the goal. So communication is all about simplicity and making sure it's understandable. But I would like to adopt the best way, which frankly speaking, I believe that the entire communication starts with the listening. And when I say listening, I'm not talking about listening to reply. I'm talking about listening as in coaching type of listening. The listening that it involves of understanding the person, you're trying to empathize, and you've got to be really, really good at listening.

Which listening sits by itself at the center of becoming a likable person, someone who people love to talk to. And so how can a person put that into practice? In terms of listening? Right, exactly. Are there exercises that a person can do? Are there daily check-ins? what systematic approach can a person take in order to make sure that this is not a lesson that just goes in one ear and out the other? Exactly. There is a very basic way to do it, is to ask the people around you, am I a good listener?

As simple as that. Sometimes it could be your wife, your husband, it could be your colleagues, which basically you are creating that Johari window for yourself. The parts that you don't see about yourself, but other people can see. You see, people around us can tell you whether you're a good, listen or not. So that is basically a basic which everybody can do it immediately tomorrow. That's the evaluation. But if you want to do it in a awareness, you create the awareness for yourself. Intentionally you create the awareness. But if you want to be a professionally improve yourself in terms of listening, the best way to do it is to sign up for coaching. Coaching is the best way. I personally grow a lot in terms of my listening when I professionally went for certification for the coaching.

And coaching, it could be anything. It could be professional coaching, like performance coaching, or it could be even a live coaching. You may not want to pursue it as a profession for yourself, but just going through that learning a couple of days and they teach you how to be a great listener. I mean, listening by, listening with, listening for, there are different types of listening. So professional way, coaching is the fastest, the best way to improve your

listening. All right. Let's talk about the third of the 12, and that is curiosity. Sure. Curiosity is such an important thing. It's a cornerstone to lifelong learning. How can a person, particularly when they're feeling tired, stressed, how can you generate a spirit of curiosity at the moments when it's just not coming to you? Curiosity, it's a very tricky pillar as well. It's about a desire of the person to know more, do more and add value to in everything you do. I think the main reason some people, they're just not curious because they're not hungry enough to explode further in that area. It means that, again, if I go back to the definition of the in-control life, see, when you don't love what you do, you often show zero or almost close to zero curiosity to no more ad,

value in that things. Yeah. So the first questions that want me to ask themselves is that do you really, really love what you are doing? I mean, you can be very honest to yourself. And when you really love what you do and you are very passionate about that area, I can bet to you that curiosity is not a problem because you are naturally, you are in love with what that thing is. And you just simply, you constantly shape up yourself because you don't want to be someone that you don't have stuck in that area. So before you answer the question of curiosity, ask yourself, do you love what you do? So choosing the right career? Correct. The way to sharpen our curiosity is simply, first of all, asking yourself, do you really love what you're doing? And once you are in love with what you're doing,

you can basically find out exactly what are the areas, where is your creativity, sweet spot, and you can just boost it, and you can just improve yourself. So the reason you are not feeling curious, in your area simply because you're not in love with what you're doing, as simple as that. And on the topic of being in love with what you're doing and making the right choices when it comes to your career, that naturally leads to the next pillar, which is your compass. Exactly. Can you describe what a person's compass is and how they can better hone that internal compass? So compass is your ability to make wise decision or great decision and pick the right direction

for your life. So it's about decision-making and picking the right direction for yourself. So picking the right directions, the only way to fix it is to learn about goal setting. And that is really, really important. This is what we have learned. Success is not accidental. Nobody accidentally becomes successful. It's intentional.

And the way to make it intentional is by setting great goals for yourself. And we spoke about four types of goals in the book. And that is like awesome, which is a new way to do it. The problem, Paula, is not about goal setting. The problem most of the time is about making wrong decisions. And that is something that we found, the only solution, I would say the fastest solution, to learning how to make great decision is by finding great mentors for yourself. Because mentors, what they can do is that it's not about telling what to do.

It's often about telling you what not to do. And that can save you like years of trial and error. So the way to sharpen our compass is to re-look at the goal-setting exercises and the way to make better decisions is by getting great mentors for yourself. How would a person do that? Great question. So first of all, let's ask, mentors in what area? Most people, unfortunately, they look for mentors for their weaknesses. And that's very, very interesting.

When I started to interview some of these very successful people, I found that all of them, they are looking for mentors only on their strength. Then I asked them, like, so what do you do for your weaknesses? They said, oh, for my weaknesses, I need to go and read books. I need to find, like, you know, education material. So you need mentors only for your strength. And that is very important. For your weaknesses, you can read books.

You can attend training. You can do a lot of other stuff. mentors often get bored when they see a person is too far from where they are. So the question here is that how do I find these mentors? There are many types of mentorship. So you can be in a face-to-face basis. It can be finding someone who has already achieved what you're trying to achieve. And that's how it gets started.

So the challenge of most people is that all around us, there are people who has already done what we're trying to do. but they often shy to ask for it. That's the problem. When you ask not, you have not. And that's the problem of most people. And that shyness and that reluctance to ask, that leads perfectly to the next pillar, which is courage. Correct.

Yes. So courage is your ability to get out of your comfort zone and do something you have never done before, like asking someone to be your mentor. And courage is a very interesting pillar as well. This is one of the areas that if you are not hungry for getting out of your comfort zone, often you just don't do it. You just stay where you are as a person. And that's for some people, unfortunately, they just simply don't want to do it.

They just don't want to do it. They rather stay where they are. And I think the best way to make sure that you are having courage in what you're doing is to build what Carol Dweck talk about it again, growth mindset. build your growth mindset. It means like fight the mediocrity in whatever you do. Make sure excellent is always your quality in whatever you do. And that's where the courage gets started. And when you are working with a mentor, then you and your mentor together are essentially

collaborating on your life. Yes. And that leads to the next pillar, pillar number six out of 12, which is collaboration. Sure. So collaboration is the next pillar, which is something that it applies in both areas. life and work. It's like for both of them. And it's simply meaning that you want one person to come to these realizations that, hey, I cannot be a Mr. I or individual player. I need to become a Mr. T or a team player as someone that anything you want to do and extraordinary things in your

life, you've got to learn to how to work as a team. And that's the big problem, Paula, because most people, they have an ego issue. And ego is your enemy, especially when When you are good at something, you often think, like, why do I need to have other people? I just do it myself. And that's a big problem. How can a person then put this into practice? How can someone systematically or methodically be better at being a collaborator? The question of, like, be a collaborator or a Mr. T, sometimes it comes from our background,

from the way that we have brought up even as a child, or which country you're from, sometimes it also determined whether you are Mr. I or Mr. T. So the best way to do it, I think the first one is that you got to get your why, how, and what right in order. It means like why you do what you do and that's where you can fall in love with what you're doing. And other people that you are working with them, they can also be willing to support you. So then the second question is like, you know, how are you going to do it? And so that then people are very clear about what you're trying to achieve. are willing to support you.

And then the next one is like, what kind of actions are you willing to put into place so that people basically, they are also not lost in that journey with you. And that's where the whole idea of like collaboration comes in. If you want to make sure that you are a great collaborator, you also need to learn, for example, how to be a great complimenter. Because compliments will always bring the people together and make them willing to collaborate with you. Or you be an inspiration person.

You are fun. You are having fun with people. so that that makes you that, you know, connect with people better too. So when you talk about the why, the how, and the when, what you mean is that in order to successfully collaborate with others, you need to be aligned on the same mission. So you and the team must share the same why. Yes. And then the logistics must also be aligned, the how and the when.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So that's why like, you know, this thought with the why comes in. Because people are willing to support a cause when it's aligned with my life. life mission. I'm not necessarily, not everybody needs to be an entrepreneur, but people are willing to support an entrepreneur where the, the wise are the same. And that goes back to also what you said earlier about improving collaboration by diminishing your ego, because when you are serving

a particular mission, then ideally it's the mission and not your ego that takes the forefront. Correct. So ego, we always found like ego is the enemy of most successful people. the people that, you know, they're always thinking like, oh, I'm pretty good. I can do it myself. I don't need you. And that's where all the problem gets started. We're going to take one final break for a word from our sponsors. And when we come back, we are going to go through the final six of the 12 pillars. To give you a sneak preak, those six pillars are connection, competency, companion, cash, condition, and contribution. We're going to discuss all of those coming up next. And we're back. We left off talking about the importance of mentors and collaboration.

Those seem to be closely aligned with the concept of connection. Can you describe what you mean by connection as a pillar of staying in control of your life and your career? And how a person can deepen the connection that they have with colleagues, neighbors, even acquaintances? Very good. Connection, it's what I call it as the mysterious sea. This is one of the pillars that, unfortunately, some people, they are born with it. Some people, they have to do a lot of work in that area. Connection, it's like you meet someone for the first time, for a five second, you look at the person and say, I like this guy.

And you meet someone for five years and you still look at the person and say, I don't like this guy. That is like, you know, maybe the closest word is like chemistry. So connection is your ability of the person to be extremely likable. The closest example is like a sense of humor. Some people, they're just naturally funny, but some people, they are not funny. So how can someone build up their connection? There are many methods in order to build that, besides having that inborn ability.

For example, one of the things that we spoke about it was listening skills, which is part of the communication, and listening proven as one of the best way to make yourself likable. People love to deal with someone who is a great listener. So that's the first one. The second one that I can talk about it right now is be resourceful but humble at the same time. Being resourceful sometimes, it also makes you as someone as an arrogant person so that people do not want to deal with you. Although you know a lot, but they don't want to ask you. So you've got to be very resourceful, but also at the same time, keep your ego and arrogant in control.

And that's where it makes you extremely likable person. And there are many other lessons which we can talk about in connection as well. We recently had Vanessa Van Edwards on this podcast, and much of what she talks about is how to build connection with someone by being conscious about the social cues that you are both encoding and decoding. So if anyone's interested in more information around building connection, I would refer you to our podcast episode in which we interviewed Vanessa Van Edwards. Let's move to the next pillar, competency. What defines competency? How can a person evaluate their own level of competency? and how can a person methodically develop competency in whatever field they want to improve?

Sure. So competency is also one of those pillars, which is directly related to your work. I often define competency. Your competent level is equal to your confident level, meaning that the more competent you become, naturally, the more confident you become. And it's like one of the key questions that people ask. But aren't there people who have lots of confidence about things they know nothing about? They are not confident.

They are just courageous. They are bold to say certain things, but they don't have a lot of content there. So the source of confident, true confident, it comes from your competency level. That's why I don't like the whole notion of people say like, fake it too, you can make it. So fake it means what? Be courageous, believe in yourself. But you can't stay fake for a long time. You still need to build that competency so that people start to have confidence on you.

So the main question here is that if somebody wants to improve their confidence level, they have to improve their knowledge. They have to improve their skill. Otherwise, you just ask a few questions. You already know the person actually is not really good at it. Right. So that's where the competency becomes very important. So one of the best way, which I found it super difficult as someone who has been in a business of consulting education for a long time, is to learn to love your critics.

Literally love them, not accept them, receive them. It's about learning how to love your critics and be very open to what they do. You may not agree with whatever they say, but as long as you're willing to improve yourself. So the best way to improve ourselves is often to find out, like, what are the areas and that I can improve myself based on the critics that you're receiving from the people around you. And that is hard. That is very, very hard for most people. How do you distinguish wise criticism from trolling? The best person that I have learned is from was Ryan Holiday.

So Ryan Holiday, he wrote the book, The Ego is the enemy. there he spoke about this whole concept of like, you know, the different types of criticism. You say, like, ask yourself, what do I want to deliver to my audience? What do I want to deliver in the job that I do? If that critics, it's something, it's against what I'm exactly trying to do, then I don't need to listen to that critic. So he said, for example, some people, they said that, oh, Ryan Holiday is used a lot of like F-bomb in his writing.

And I never seen anyone come and tell me that, oh, I love your books because you use a lot of F-bomb. So now I know that I need to put it aside. So I don't need to use a lot of F-bomb. So it means that it's simply as yourself, if what I'm doing is not adding any value to the job that I'm trying to deliver, it means that that's a good critic. So take it very seriously. If that's something that you are purposefully doing it because you want to add some value or you want to get some attention, from the people, then just do it. You don't need to take the critic seriously. Right. For example, with Ryan Holiday, and he's been a previous guest on this show, if a person were to

criticize stoicism and say, hey, I think this is a stupid philosophy, well, you know, he doesn't have to internalize that because he's planted his flag. He knows where he stands. He knows that this is what he believes in. So he's firm in that. Exactly. We don't need to please everybody. That's not our purpose here. Right. Let's talk about the next pillar, companionship, picking the right companions. How can a person methodically work at surrounding themselves with the right companions, particularly in situations where they may be new in a field or they may be connecting remotely, those opportunities for face-to-face engagement or the opportunities to meet people who are high achievers in their field may not be present? The way we define the word companion, it's your ability to pick a nice circle for you, which I would love to put it as designing your law five, the people that you spend most of your time with them. Because those people, you know, I can literally, Paula, sit with someone and ask them, who are the

people that you spend most of your time with them, whether face to face or even in distance relationship? And you can predict someone's future, you know, because our life is pretty much determined by that. So the way the companion works is always follow the law of average. The life that you're trying to build for yourself, let's take an example of a lot. You want to be a rich, successful, goal-oriented person. And the people that you're spending most of your time lacking those areas is simply meaning that you are not having the right circle for yourself. That's where the companion and picking the right companion for yourself become very important. So those companions,

it could be in your personal life, it could be the spouse, the family members, the friends, or it could be at the office, the people that you're spending most of your time with them, the colleagues, the bosses, the mentors, the coaches, and so on. So finding the right balance in your companion, this is where two of the element in definition of the living and control life, meaning that I love who you're doing it with

and love who you're doing it for, it's actually related to the companion. And that can really ruin our life. That's why this company is so important. Right. And so if a person who's listening to this is not satisfied with the people that they're spending the most time around, but those are the people who are available in their immediate environment, what can they do in order to change that? This is a really, really a good topic. And I want to put it this way. What is the difference between respect and honor? What's the difference between respect and honor? honor means I won't say or do anything behind your back that I won't do it in front of you.

It means that when I'm in front of you, I will say something. When I go behind your back, I will say the same thing. This is what I often tell people. The day that you cannot honor the people that you spend time with, the organizations that you are working with, is the day that you better exit that relationship. Very, very important. You see, you may not respect someone, but as long as you are in that relationship,

you have to honor them. If you don't honor them, you better exit, whether it's a love relationship or it's a company that you're working right now. It means that I may not respect you, but as long as I am with you, I honor you. And this seems to point to character as well. Exactly.

Because like, you know, we have seen a lot of people in front of you. They say, yeah, like this, like that. And then once they go behind your back, they blame you, they go see, they backstabbing and all those stuff. So I often tell people, don't stay in a relationship and complain. Right. If you are unhappy, give a feedback. If it doesn't work, exit. As simple as that.

And so it sounds like my question was how to surround yourself. with the right people, but from what I'm hearing you say, the first step is to exit the wrong people. Exactly. This is what we call it as love them from distance. You don't need to hate them, but love them from this stance. All right, there are three more pillars. The next one is Cash. And since we spend a lot of time on other episodes of this podcast talking about that, I think we can kind of go through this one. But for people who are listening, who are wondering what you've talked about when you wrote about Cash, you talked about, of course, the difference between wants and needs and being clear about what is a want versus what is a need. You've talked about

how true wealth is a function of not just money, but money plus time plus happiness, plus freedom. And then you've talked about some basic mathematical concepts like the rule of 72 that a person can use when they are trying to estimate how far their investments will go. You've also talked about the importance of building passive income or residual income. That's the cash pillar. The people who are listening to this podcast, know that pillar well. Let's go to pillar number 11 out of 12. Condition. You talk about condition as the ability to retain a healthy state of body, mind, emotion, and soul. How can a person, again, methodically, what are the specific things that a person can do in order to maintain

healthy condition in those four arenas? The way we define the word condition in this book, It's about embracing the holistic approach towards health so that you're not talking only about your physical condition. You're also talking about your emotional, mental, and spiritual energy. And one of the best ways that I found it in my own journey of building my own health mastery, I started with finding what is your blind spot. Again, we're talking about the blind spot here. So what is the meaning of blind spot? It means that, for example, you are eating a lot, not because you are hungry, because you do have, like, other things that causes you that you start to have that triggers to eat more.

Emotional eating, you mean. Emotional eating. Or sometimes, for example, you're mentally exhausted. And the easiest way to do it is you just get out some chips and just go for it. Or maybe sometimes you are, for example, far from your loved one. and people actually start to not eating anything. So they feel like I don't feel like eating anything. And that's exactly what we call.

So searching what is the why behind it is very important. And at the end of the day, it's about tackling down the negative patterns there. So that's where the health issues start to look into it. So we're not really looking at like one aspect of health mastery. We are talking about like the holistic approach of like what can you do to build all the four areas. And that's very important. Because without one, the others won't work. Right.

So what I've heard you talk about in the answer that you just gave is intentionality, knowing the distinction between eating for hunger versus eating for emotional fulfillment. What are some other specific actionable examples of things that people can do in order to maintain good condition when it comes to their mental state, their spiritual state, their physical state? Sleep well. I think sleeping is one of the areas that, a lot of people has spoken about it and I personally

I have suffered tremendously in my own personal life and career because of lack of sleep especially like some of the techniques that we spoke in the book about learning how to do power nap which most people they don't know how to do it what is the proper steps on how to get

a good power nap for yourself I think if I want to pick like one lesson out of all of them I would put sleep on the top of the list So you've talked about intentional conscious eating, you've talked about sleep, you also discuss the importance of exercise and stretching in the book. And so all of these are examples of how to improve not just physical health, but also mental and emotional well-being as well. Correct. So the way we are giving there all the actions, I have picked up the things, which is going to influence almost the whole holistic health, which is from getting in shape, makes you sure you eat well, you understand how the calorie works, you understand how to sleep better, power nap, and finally, most importantly, routine checkups. And the checkups also, we are not again talking about like physical checkups. Also, we are talking about like a holistic approach of like sometimes you,

might want to speak, for example, to therapist. You might want to speak with someone in terms of your spirituality. And you are talking about holistic way of taking your condition in control. Mental checkups, emotional checkups, spiritual checkups, in addition to physical checkups. Exactly, exactly. Very interesting. And then the final pillar, number 12 out of 12, is contribution. What can a person do in order to make a greater contribution, given the limitations, the parameters of the current job that they may be in or the current life circumstance or financial circumstance that they may be in? The answer to the question of the contribution is always about how you want to be remembered.

We are where we are because of somebody has impacted our life. So the biggest questions that I often ask people in order to find out like, what can I contribute to this world? What is the way to get there? is to dedicate your time to what makes the biggest difference based on what you are very good at. Every one of us we can help actually at some point, like whether it's related to helping someone in terms of like finances or teaching something to someone or writing a book or doing something that is really, really helpful. But as long as it makes the biggest difference because all of us, I think, we just need one great product to contribute to this world. You know, which one of my mentor used to say, all you need to do, you just need to put one break on top of the wall of life.

And that's all it takes. So focus your time on the areas in which you can make the greatest contributions, the biggest difference. And a lot of that will be based on skill set. Mostly comes back from there, because that's where you can be pretty good at it. What would a person do if they possess a given skill set, but they aren't in a position? a role, a job in order to be able to use their skills in such a way that it makes a positive contribution? Does that mean that it's time for them to seek a different job, to start the process of career change? Or are there other possible answers to that?

I will definitely go with the first answer that you gave. If you are somewhere that you are not growing, it means that again, one of the cornerstone here, right? Remember, that you are not growing in that area and you are there just for the sake of like just living paycheck to paycheck, I bet you are wasting your life. And at the end of the day, I mean, the saddest things, Paula, I can think of is that in the last day of our life and we are thinking like, you know, I had all these skill sets, but I never leave my life full. That's so sad, right?

That is like the saddest things that can happen to. That means that you fail almost all the cornerstone, all the core. You were not growing, you're not happy with what you're doing. You were doing it, but you are not disciplined. And you know it. You know it and you didn't do anything about it. It means that you fell the core of the whole in-control model. You're conscious about it and you need nothing.

You just stay there and you just say, you know what? Maybe my life got nothing to contribute. So contribution, making sure that we are making a contribution is how we check in on making sure that we are doing everything that we've talked about. Exactly. All of the core, the cornerstones, the other pillars, all of it leads to contribution. Exactly. That's why we choose contribution also as the ending of the whole in-control model.

Because the life basically starts with from the birth to death and in between is the choices that you make. And those choices has to be something that you are full control of it. Well, thank you for spending this time with us. where can people find you if they'd like to know more about you and your work? My website is Rezaabraham.com, and I am available in almost all social media's, Instagram, link in Facebook, and the book is also available in Amazon, book depository, and almost all the platforms. Thank you, Reza. What are three key takeaways that we got from this episode?

In our conversation, Reza covered one core, three cornerstones, and 12 pillars. So when we ask, what are our three key takeaways, let's focus each takeaway on one of those three dimensions, one takeaway about the core, one takeaway about the cornerstones, and one takeaway about the pillars. Let's begin. Key takeaway number one, the core of everything that we've discussed starts with having a very firm locus of control. Reza refers to this as consciousness. Other people call it the Zoro circle or the circle of influence or the sphere of influence, but regardless of what terminology you use for it, the concept of your locus of control is the concept that there are certain things in this world that you may be

concerned about, but that are outside of the scope of your direct control. And there are other things in this world that you can control. And the more that you focus on what you can control, the greater your power, your influence, and ultimately your sphere of impact will be. Now, how do we put into practice staying inside of our locus of control? We do that by building systems. system can help an ordinary person achieve an extraordinary result predictably. This explainer of a system, that a system is something that allows an ordinary person to achieve extraordinary results, and it does so in a methodical and predictable manner. This reminds me of a quote from author James Clear, who is also a previous guest on this podcast,

a quote from him that I've... always loved, in which he says that we don't rise to the level of our dreams, we fall to the level of our habits. And another way of saying that is that we fall to the level of the systems that we create. Much of the practice of staying inside of a locus of control involves building and maintaining habits, rituals, practices. Those are the systems we build within our lives in order to do the things we want to do. The system for success is few discipline practice every day. That's all. That is all it takes.

So what kind of discipline, for example, like making up your bed every day or plan your day every day, do the reflection every day, or like exercise every day? So it all comes from that happen. So that is key takeaway number one. The core is consciously staying inside of your locus of control. Key takeaway number two. The cornerstones. There are three, and these are contentment, conversion, which is another word for progress, and consistency, which is how you obtain that progress.

Contentment comes from gratitude, understanding that you have enough, and yet that does not preclude you from wanting to aspire to more, to learn new skills, to make a bigger contribution, to have new and different and exciting experiences. you can be content and also be striving and growing. Those are not mutually exclusive. Now, in that striving, in that growing, you develop consistency. That's where habits and systems come into play. This is the structure, the scaffolding, that gives you that consistency.

And then conversion, another word for progress, that's the result. Consistency is the how. Conversion or progress is the what. And then later at the end of our interview, contribution is ultimately the why. So consistency is the how, conversion is the what, contribution is the why,

and contentment is what keeps you strong throughout. It gives you that resilience. During our conversation, Reza describes five questions that he methodically asks himself and answers every day at precisely 9 p.m. and he does this in order to build a system of reflecting on his day. I have two boys.

8 to 9 p.m. in my calendar has been blocked that I am not going to check my phone. I'm not going to get distracted by anything, and I specifically play with my boys. So I play with them, they put to sleep, and 9 p.m., my calendar goes, and I do my 5 to 10 minutes reflection every single day. This is what I have learned from John C. Maxwell. he said that experience does not make you wiser. Most people, they think like when we get older, we are getting wiser. But that's not really true.

I personally have seen a lot of old people that they're not getting wiser. They're just getting older. So what makes us wiser is the evaluated experience that you have on a single day. So at 9 p.m., I have my phone. I mean, if I can show it to you, it would be very interesting even for your listeners to see. In my phone, I'm using basically this app that exists almost in every phone, keep notes. So I have my daily reflection. I open that up and these five questions are there.

The five questions are, what did I learn today? What did I love about today? Have I managed to achieve my goals today? What would I like to learn tomorrow? And what am I thankful for? Asking these five questions methodically is one way to check in with yourself about your personal development along the three cornerstones of contentment, conversion, which is progress, and consistency.

Finally, key takeaway number three, Reza outlines 12 pillars to tend to in order to maintain a greater degree of control and a greater degree of living with intention when it comes to your life and your career. Now, those 12 pillars are character, communication, curiosity, compass, courage, collaboration, connection, competency, competency, companion, cash, condition, and contribution. Notice that within these pillars, some of these pillars are intrapersonal. So when he talks about connection, the ability to be liked and charismatic, companion, the ability to pick the right circle, surround yourself, with people who share your values and principles and goals. When he talks about communication and collaboration,

these are inherently intra-personal pillars. But he also talks about interpersonal pillars, such as your character, your ability and willingness to do the right thing even when nobody is watching. He talks about your condition, having a healthy physical, mental, emotional, spiritual state and consistently tending to the condition of your body, mind, and spirit.

He talks about your internal compass, which helps you make wise decisions so that you're not putting undue effort towards the wrong goal. You don't want to be in a situation where you've built a great system, but it's taking you in a route in a direction that you don't want to be in. And he talks about personal attributes like curiosity and curiosity and all of these, this mix of intrepersonal, interpersonal, and attributes, these taken together form the 12 pillars that support your ability to live and work in a more intentional manner, to align the way that you spend your time, your energy, your attention, your money, with your values.

oftentimes people begin with great energy and great intentions, but self-doubt, pain, trauma, fear, discouragement, these things can hold us back. And so one thing that Reza said that stood out to me was when he talked about the importance of never letting pain go to waste. Don't let any massive pain just go to waste, meaning that you capture it and you come to that realization through a reflection point that, hey, you know what, I don't want to be that person. I want to be a different person. And character, unfortunately, is one of those areas that if you don't have a person to hold you accountable, like an accountability partner or a peer pressure, oftentimes people will start to just like losing up a little bit and then after a while you just go to waste.

Much of what Reza described during our conversation was the consistent practice of reflection and accountability. So when he talks about tracking daily habits, or when he talks about having a daily reminder at 8 a.m. or at 9 p.m. to answer specific reflective questions. Or when he talks about getting a mentor, a therapist, a coach, these all share the common thread of being reflective actions. done methodically and done with some degree of accountability, either to yourself or to others around you, and performed consistently. So reflection, accountability, and consistency. These are the qualities of an effective system.

And that is the third and final key takeaway. Thank you so much for tuning in. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend, a family member, a mentor, a coach, a neighbor, A sibling, share it with someone you know who you think could benefit from something that we talked about today. Please also open up whatever app you're using to listen to this podcast and leave us a review. These reviews are incredibly helpful in allowing us to book fantastic guests.

And while you're in that app, please make sure that you hit the follow button so that you don't miss any of our amazing upcoming episodes. Thank you so much for tuning in. My name is Paula Pant. You can find me on Instagram at Paula Pant, P-A-U-L-A, P-A-N-T. If you want to chat about today's episode with other members of the community, go to afford-anything.com slash community. And don't forget, we have a book club. You can join that by going to fable.com slash afford-anything.

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This is the Afford Anything podcast, and I will catch you in the next episode.