All Fantasy Everything - A Buffet (w/ Caleb Hearon, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: March 11, 2021

Dig in. We fantasy draft a buffet and it gets absolutely scrumptious.Episode Guest:Caleb Hearon @calebsaysthings  IG: @calebsaysthings Podcast: Keeping RecordsSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, watchalongs, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. Our guest today is comedian, actor, and podcaster, Caleb Herron. Caleb hosts the Keeping Records Podcast on HeadGum. On today's episode, we're drafting a fantasy buffet because God only knows the next

time we can get to a buffet, so they need the love now more than ever. I'm your host, the avuncular Ian Carmel, and joining me as always are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get those spoons hot and dip them into the fucking buffet, shall we? Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that already has a 10-mile bike ride in, bruvs. Now let me stop you right there. Already. What does Evuncular mean?

I was going to ask for Sean, actually. I was going to ask for Sean. Sure you were. Yeah, yeah. Neither one of you knows what Evuncular means. I don't even, I thought it was a George Clinton word. Can I guess? Let's have a guess.

Does it mean fun? It means relating to an uncle, dude. Evuncular. Like an evil uncle? Like an uncle. I don't think you could just... Rage Against the Machine's third album, Evil Uncle? It's like an evuncular man.

It's an evuncular, like you're kind of someone's uncle. You're not like a full parental figure, but you in there you're giving advice you're dropping off a present every now and then you know you're you're maybe teaching them some lessons that the dad doesn't feel comfortable giving avuncular dude now is this is this gendered is there also avuncular i think you i think you could be avuncular i just want to know for sean you're right caleb you can talk whenever by the way this isn't one of those ones. Oh, I was going to let you guys just blow the fucking lights out. I was like, these guys are going off.

Caleb, what does a vonkular mean? Please. Well, I think it means something different. This is standpoint theory. It means something different to everybody who hears it. And to me, it means kind of zany guy who lives in a regional college town. Color-coded bookshelf. Yeah yeah that's what it meant to me like a madison like the local madison bike guy he's always on his bike you know the guy he's always around campus he's selling books out of his backpack or whatever he's got those things

on the spokes that go like that slide up and down as the bike wheel yeah yeah yeah yeah it's you know he sells cheap weed but like you gotta stick around and he rolls all the joints he insists he has a 60 year old african gray parrot that he brings into places that sell food he goes barefoot in the student union no one knows why he's there why he won't wear shoes yeah absolutely like he's got a beard without a mustache you know that guy you know the guy you know that guy he's very avuncular i i do know that guy yeah yeah yeah lived with that guy he's got patches on his on his on his tweed backpack you know this dude he's got patches he's a non-traditional student rolly backpack it's a rolly backpack that you roll around with

a little you know handle yeah i like the idea that he's had that since the 70s though yeah he had that before the kid children did he made it yeah he knew toms of maine and now he thinks he's a sellout like he knew the dude he knew tom they used to make toothpaste together yeah it was his idea to make toothpaste they would stomp the berries by themselves you know what i mean like yeah and he'll be the first one to tell you he's the first one to tell you his idea was toothpaste oh yeah dude i mean i had i had him at my bacchanal the other day outside he wouldn't shut the fuck up about it tom was tom was in there making lamb's hoof deodorant you know and he's like why don't we fucking switch it up dude start making start making toothpaste

so there it is thanks for tuning in all fans see everything we'll see you again next week let's go man i gotta go skating let's get out of here skating oh yeah he's an ice skater he's a big ice skater no i skateboard and i'm not scared to talk about it i'll tell you that i'll bring it up sometimes can you do tricks be honest i can now uh so this last year i've been skating every day and now i can now i'm good again i'm not ashamed to say it so it's pretty fun well congratulations man i'm really proud of you i appreciate it it's been a fun journey it's you might yeah dude i don't think i haven't put it past anyone skateboard i get the reason i couldn't do it is um i get um and make some noise if this happens to you sean i get really uh

intimidated by school skateboarding teens dude it don't bring them around me it is such a bummer you know what i hate this is where i feel that i hate going through their their uh hits of weed that's what now i'm like oh because because i stay far enough away and i'm like we're in a goddamn pandemic and i stay away but then i'll skate and i'm just like i smell weed i'm like that's a hit that came out of someone's lungs that's air that's someone else's air and i'm like i can't deny it now i know i just went through someone's hit and i just look over i'm like you fucking teenagers with why don't you go to school go get a fucking job because of the pandemic go to internet school dave go help somebody it's not 12 hours a day gramps it should be let the kids party i had to blow all

my teachers when i was in school they can go to internet why aren't you at work they got the same question for you man you don't know what if it's president's day why are you playing a children's game at noon well i didn't know you two were those punk teenagers at the skateboard park blowing hits a weed for god and everyone to come on man i want to ask sean what was the system you had in school where you said you were blowing all your teachers what was it for were you for grades or just what was it was a block schedule they used to do that in south it's all different man it's a magnet school it's a magnet school i had a i had a really inspirational basketball coach when i was two and he told me i couldn't do it and i proved him wrong so you blew all your teachers yeah it's a tale as old as time yeah forever i think that's what finding forrester was about right that's the final four yeah yeah

wasn't buster rhymes and finding forrester i feel like anybody could have been in finding forrester and i would believe you buster rhymes was in one of those movies and then he shows up and your eyes was in higher learning no because i haven't seen higher learning and i've seen buster rhymes in a movie like finding forester he was in narc finding forester is the movie where he says you're the man now dog right yeah sean connery says that sean you've seen finding forester right i sure have it's on my show time you can watch what is fighting for when was that what is this this is a film this is before your this is before your day and there's no reason it would have made it to yours it's no it's like oh this black kid can't do anything but he could read good

thanks sean connery and sean connery plays a uh who's the guy who wrote franny and zoe and um that reclusive author and and uh catcher in the rye salinger salinger so shout out to nine stories by the way jd he plays a good work he plays a jd salinger sort of type like a recluse and yeah he discovers this like yeah an african american kid who's like got a lot of promise, and he helps guide him up through the literary process, and either Busta Rhymes is in it or he's not, and Sean Connery says, roll the mound now, dog, as a way to sort of branch out. Yeah.

You love when an older white person can save a teen. Yeah. It's my favorite genre of movie. It's basically dangerous minds too michelle pfeiffer had already turned the chair around so they were like how do we get how do we verbally turn the chair around and it's by him saying you're the man now dog i'll tell you dangerous minds is does not hold up and i wanted it to really bad no that movie's stupid oh it's so bad i'll venture to say every movie in that goddamn genre is stupid and i've hated them since childhood

that's what i will venture to say black kids can't do stuff until we come and teach them that's right i cried in front of this tough kid because i wanted to see my mom was driving me in this tough kid that i grew up with she was driving us to see dangerous minds and then on the way there she found out it was rated r and she's like you can't go and i was well old enough to not have that make me start crying but he was well old enough my it was well old enough i was a proper sixth grader i sean i cried in front of a cool kid once. All of his other friends couldn't go to the city to shop at the mall with his mom and him. And he invited me.

And my mom sent me with $50 to get a pair of sneakers. And we didn't have a lot of money. And I lost the $50. And I was like, that's a big swing. I was like, no. And I was crying. And we were in the backseat of his mom's car driving home. And I like crying in the window trying to like hide it and he was like dude are you crying and i was like no it's just the sun until i was 28 i would have cried if i lost 50 dollars yeah

yeah i cry now if i lost 50 dollars of my mom's money. Yeah. That's a fat chunk, dude. That's a lot of pogs. Yeah. Plus, you can get some Skechers for that. You can slide into a Croc at $50. You know what I mean? That's not nothing. You can get two pairs of Nike slides.

And Sean, just so you're not alone, I cried into my mother's bosom in front of my middle school crush once. So she saw it. Yeah. Why? But as a move, right? As a head game so i busted this dude's backup at wrestling and they called the ambulance and i was all scared and then they

obviously they call your mom because you hurt somebody and my mom came and as soon as my mom just like got to the gym because the kid was like on a stretcher and he had a brace and as soon as my mom came into the gym i just started bawling like like into her like like when you say bawling you mean like between the leg behind the back like ball like dribbling over the shoulder this was four years before ann won this was all baby oh no yeah her name her name was sophia she wore she was a girl who wore dickies she was so cool and then yeah i cried into her but then like a week later she stopped me from saved me from getting into a fight saved me is the right word what was the what was the move you did that paralyzed another child it didn't

paralyze him he's good right, right? He's cool. Okay, good. Tell that to all the bar fights he's been in in the last 20 years. We were learning the fireman's carry and I got him on my back and I just dropped him weird. But also, fuck that kid. He was a bully.

Like, he was a bad kid. Hurting kids in youth sports was fucking terrifying. You broke somebody's legs, right? I broke both of his legs in like eighth grade. Yeah, but Ian wasn't a youth. This kid owed a bunch of people a bunch of money.

That was the last time I cried because I lost 50 bucks on it. And he never crossed you again. He never crossed me again. He didn't cross the street again, I'll tell you that. Listen, if I have one or two items on the conveyor belt at the grocery store and I just have to dash off to grab an apple or a tomato, I don't forfeit my spot kid all right i don't care if you're buying a pack

of gum that's my spot and you wait as long as it takes all right yeah because there's gala apples and i have to think if i want sort of that sort of cidery delightful experience or more of a tart granny smith i will say in the kids defense i've been apple shopping with you and it's a fucking nightmare yeah exactly you can't make up your mind anyone can get it when he ends up shopping for apples he's an apple diva i'll say it he's an apple diva and i freely admit this i spent a lot of time in therapy preparing myself to reconcile the fact that i am an apple diva but like it it is what makes me happy all right and like the the specter of of having not chosen the right apple when i don't spend enough time in there is is is so toxic that none of you would be friends with me

if if if i if i allowed that to dominate my life like i used to and then we'll move on from it i'm just looking forward for you to dropping apple apple diva jeans i wear apple diva jeans a country song a hockey talk song diva jeans the boots with the spurs i would i would fucking are you i mean we're kidding but i would get down to this yeah that would be exciting that would be an exciting done could lay this down and i would be jamming it on a drive home i don't go for that music a lot but i think brooks and dunn got it yes they're hit makers yes quite a bit i listen to neon moon one of my worst qualities was uh i was never a everything but rap and country but i was absolutely an everything but country like music person and and like that's so obnoxious because then once i started i also just like i

hate especially radio country i like johnny cash but then i started listening to some radio country and i'm like oh no it's it's good a lot of it's good it's just like radio pop baby yeah all it is is pop there's such a thin line between country and pop music it's i mean you can barely it's like rice paper dude you barely see it country uh popular country music is just populist pop it's like yeah it's like rice paper dude you barely see it country uh popular country music is just populist pop it's like yeah it's just the same thing but they're talking about uh stuff that people actually care about you're welcome you're welcome everyone you're welcome you're welcome oh man that person who just said it's a thin line it's a thin line between blade and skate he'll tell you that sean jordan sean is jordan on twitter sean cougar melon jordan on instagram uh i'm right sean rolling with the beanie jordan on on the spitfire logo dude you

know and like so probably half the time i have this on i'm thinking take it off and the other half i'm feeling myself and i think they balance out into a nice respectable young man who's going to be 40 this year sean do you ever get yelled i get yelled at for wearing beanies does this happen to you guys yeah people get mad at me people get mad at me because i don't i wear it as fashion so it's not over my ears i just like the way it looks people get mad at me it's not cold enough you're not even work you're not working in a factory i'm like what i'm i i look hot what is the problem i'm i get the exact same experience people call me steve zisow if i have a beanie with that double roll. And I'm like, other people have...

People wore beanies before him. What? It's like everybody wearing a hat, it's not to keep the sun out of your eyes. You know? It's like if someone has a hat with a bill on it, it's not because it's like, well, I've been out farming all day and my face is getting sunburned. It's just you have a hat on. It's cute.

I still get made fun of a lot for wearing a backwards hat or backwards, like a backwards trucker hat. And I was doing a show one time in Denver and Boulder, maybe. But it wasn't Brent. So I forget who it was. But somebody, I walked in. The very first thing they said, they were like, nice hat. And it was a person putting on the show.

And I did not really take it that well. Normally I do. And I wasn't mean, but I was like, why'd you say that? And they laughed. And I was like, you weren't kidding. Why'd you you say that you just wanted to make me feel weird like right before i headlined the show yeah they were like well is it joke and i was like yeah but i look like this is what i look like and i wore this and you know i wore this i really got into it i was like i wore this i thought i looked all right you know what i like me my wife likes me i seriously

i might as well have like kicked the dirt on the ground and been like i'm not to do this show but yeah oh good for you sean good for you for yourself this this same show this is hilarious so the same show right before i was gonna go up uh or like 10 minutes before they come up and they were like hey um there's a guy in the bathroom and he's brandishing a knife and they just said that to me and i was like okay and they didn't say anything and i was like what the fuck and then they they were gonna bring me up and right before i was like what happened to old boy with the knife and they go oh the cops came in and got him and i was like tell me that tell me that he's not here anymore brandishing stand up only tell me if someone's brandishing and monica in a knife in the bathroom that's the only time

i want to hear about a person i want to hear if some guy's in there going full boy is mine yeah i to go back to the beanie for a second i also want to say listen as as heavy as as as gentlemen of size sometimes our our options are a little bit limited and if i want to throw on a beanie and throw a double roll on it or throw like let me fucking get down with that because i can't i can't put on the little vest or whatever it is you want to accessorize yeah i know people stores don't sell clothes for me bitch so i have three options i can get into hats watches or sneakers maybe all three that's it yeah all three and i can't even do all the hats yeah and if i if you see me wearing a hat and it doesn't look like

it's serving any function it's just because i'm a little cutie that's why it is exactly i'm a little cutie and that's why i have it i can't do the big 10 gallon right the fucking industry coco chanel for me okay yes yes yes i'm sorry i can't wear one of those giant 10 gallon hats the only fat guys who look good in those are ej johnson i don't make the rules i don't make the fucking rules dude now caleb i appreciate it so much because i'm gonna start saying because i'm a little cutie someone's like why you have a hat on i'll be like because i'm a little cutie that's why i do anything if you ever see me doing something that doesn't make sense just chalk it up to me being a little cutie yeah i love it i love it absolutely sean how was the beach dude good man i i did that thing where you stand on the i went to the beach by myself a couple times

like i left i left the family at the crib and i was like i'm gonna go walk and you know and i'm walking and i'm like when you say the family, do you mean Laura and the rat? Yeah. Sean has been playing. Caleb. Sean has had a rat in his house. David, I'll boil him right in front of you. He's had a rat in his house for months that he's been trying to get rid of in a humane manner. And he finally, finally switched to a kill trap for the first time. And the rat straight up stole the food out of the kill trap and left.

I fucking love that. I love that for the rat so much. It is one of those, you know, snap're they're gnarly and you i was scared to set the peanut butter on it i set it ever so and then i put it up against the wall in my workout room it's not a big i go in there sometimes and i so i set the trap in my workout room i come in and the peanut butter's off of this thing i touched it with the end of my shoe. I didn't know I wasn't wearing my shoe, but I touched it with my toe.

Snap. I mean, it was insane how sensitive this thing was. And the rat just got it. So like, yeah, I got to move out, man. You're dealing with an apex predator and you need to back the fuck off, Sean, because I'm worried for you. Yeah, I'm trying to do what I can. I have a little bastard on the way

and this rat's going to raise my bastard, I think. And I don't know what to do about it damn that's really sad the rat may raise its own bastard we don't know whose kid this really is now sean when you said sean you said you walk on the beach alone i just want to remind you you always walk with the lord so if there was only one set of footprints that's when he was carrying you yeah he was carrying me yeah he carried me through i made the mistake of going out right before high tide so he actually had to carry me a ways but fireman's carried you yeah she you know the lord she carried me through oh my god i never thought about it that way not a lot of people have me and dishwalla that's about it thank you for saying that thank you i do what i can man david borty's here cool guy jokes 77 on instagram the g is silent on

twitter how are you, buddy? Oh, you know, I'm out here. I'm running and gunning. I'm making my moves. Other vague things so you don't know what's actually going on. That's right. Keep them guessing, dude. I'm out here.

David's on a plane right now. I got my fingers in a lot of pots and they're getting sticky. David's recording from a hot air balloon hovering over an undisclosed location. Yeah, I'm in a bunker. Whatever. I kind of said undisclosed like Paul Hollywood over an undisclosed location yeah i'm in a bunker whatever i kind of said undisclosed like paul hollywood they're undisclosed i like that for you though i like that a lot said it like rob stark but yeah i'm doing good you know falling back in love with janet jackson just uh she's having a moment right now people are people are on the janet train i went down i was walking around and i was listening to

prince and then title suggested pleasure principle and i played pleasure and then uh and then i just have been going janet for like two days she's great man we're we're about to be in a janet song so i really think because i hope justin the britney of it all and then the Justin Timberlake reckoning is on its way. Right. Janet's about to be front and center. I'm really excited for her. Oh, bring her back. Bring her back.

That was why I could never get on board with the Justin Timberlake thing. I've been standing behind the velvet rope waiting for this tour to kick back up for a long time. It's so sexy. You remember that little window when she had like That's The way love goes and if those two songs that's the way love goes and if oh yeah and they're so when she would uh she had

that vest she was wearing but she was in the pocket so hard right there then she had that song on the poetic justice soundtrack um never again it was never oh my god that song fire dude and then back in the day love will never do without Without You. I know I'm just naming Janet Jackson songs, but she's had so many different amazing parts of her career. I feel like she decides when she wants to, if she wanted, like at any moment, I feel like Janet Jackson could have been like, I'm back and then have like a hit record.

Black Cat, Rhythm Nation. Like she has so many different sounds and they all are dope. I love her. I feel like it's all for you on all the time. Oh, great it's man and then what's that one where she sampled joni mitchell that song is really good anytime uh oh yeah oh yeah yeah man i don't know joni mitchell never lied like yeah that's really good we're in the Janet taunts. Anything to talk about, dude? No, but I got some stuff that I just did that you'll see pretty soon.

So, you know, keep your eyes to the skies. That's right, yeah. You know, ears to the ground, buffalo coming. Absolute buffalo stance. Shutting in a cherry. Yeah. Caleb Heron is here. It's me.

Comedian. Podcaster. Keep going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actor. Bon vivantant cologne salesman apple diva little cutie brand new of uncle little cute little cutie free range port free range porpoise trainer i'm gonna start going by little cutie. Like, like that's my, like, that's my stage name. Now is that's a little cutie. That'd be hot.

Honestly, that would be amazing. Like a little satin jacket with one of the Clementines on the breast. And it says little cutie. Is that too much? Un-fuck-with-the-bull. Yeah. I could not be touched. Yeah.

Yeah. You can't cool off a hot boy. That's what I always say. Yeah. And I'm always thanking you for saying it. No, no, no. Much appreciated. could not be touched yeah yeah you can't cool off a hot boy that's what i always say yeah and i'm always thanking you for saying it no no no much appreciated little little cutie and lowercase script on the back like in a current oh my god yes this is a major moment this is a big rebrand for me and i i'm gonna get into music as well that's i'm always trying to do that i think so yeah i'm always talking about putting out a funny album where i do songs but

then i actually you know try go that zach fox route where like it's like ah it's a joke it's a joke and then all of a sudden you're you're a fucking musician you're collaborating with thundercat it's all anytime anytime i'm singing or you know uh trying to play an instrument it's all a joke until someone loves it and then exactly i'm not fucking around anymore now i'm an artist exactly i i feel that way about everybody who can sing. Like, you ever notice people who can sing? They kind of like, they'll like do a couple of bars and then like, look for you to be like, that was amazing. You can sing.

Like, I feel like. That's the way John raps. I just look around. I'm like, wait, there's no one else in the shower this time. For now. Wait, was that amazing? Wait, was that amazing? Wait, was that amazing? Wait, no, it's just something I don't even do that when I'm by myself and I rap.

I'm like, man, I wish this was better. Even I can't even lie to myself. I want to be able to rap more than anyone wants to be able to do most things. I want that. I want it, David. Bad. I want that for you. Oh, I see that for you oh i see that for you sean

i thank you you need to do it i love you i don't i think that you should stick on this apple diva thing i'm gonna see what these little pot smoking shit bags at the skate park when i show when i show up and rap that's what you should stand on the ledge and be like you guys aren't doing shit on this ledge until you start put those hands in the air and stop blowing hits of weed out. Religious rap. Make an anti-weed rap. Big boy Big Way Dave on the ones and twos. I'm out here.

And then I do the hip hop squat and I spit all over the ledge. Hey there, kids. Drugs aren't cool. When I think about winning over cool teens, I definitely think about rapping for them. Anti-drug rapping. Yeah. for them anti-drug wrapping yeah i bet you until i do a trick that's what they think i'm there to do when i get there until i do something they're like i wonder how many bibles he's got in the trunk i wonder how big they are those kinds of things i wonder if he's gonna build his own ramp

here and show us that we can do something with our lives you don't look old though when i watch your skateboarding clips you seem to look like everybody else skating around like i don't now david you know it's not hard to make me cry on this podcast you look like you have bad credit you look like you don't have a job like you look like everyone else skating i'm at work sell mids i'm working kids but you work on that blunt i'm sorry that your mom got divorced it's not your fault weed doesn't help you know it helps kickflips for god and then i just high five and i go oh that hurt when jesus high-fived me that really hurt you know that really hurt he's so strong on twitter caleb here on caleb heron on twitter caught caleb heron on instagram that's h-e-a-r-o-n

you motherfuckers at home but make sure you follow him if you don't already I can't imagine you don't in addition you're hilarious on instagram hilarious on twitter I think that's how we first came across each other's presence it is that's how we became friends and soon enemies

and very very quickly after enemies it happens quick rapidly approaching yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah. I'm looking forward to it. I get in there, I find out your weaknesses, and I try to exploit them poorly. Not enough to defeat you, but definitely enough to put me on your radar as an enemy.

Oh, yeah. You're on the radar. It'll never happen. You're going to join a long line of people who have tried to take me down. And I got to tell you, I only get stronger the more haters I acquire. So you're in big trouble

there's part of me that doesn't like that but damn it respects it yeah yeah i also like i like to tell people very you know kind of sweetly you're in big trouble i mean that's just how it kind of matter-of-factly you're in over your head you're in big trouble kind of a philip seymour hoffman delivery of it i had somebody tell me they were going to beat me up one time in that kind of tone and it was the scariest thing because i was at the, I was acting a fool. He should have, I was acting a fool and he stopped. He's like, you know what I'm going to do is I'm going to kick your ass later. And I was like, whatever, dude. And he's like, he goes, he goes, you say whatever you want, you do whatever you want for the rest of the night, but we're in the same place.

And I will, I will kick the shit out of you tonight. And it was like, it sent me, I ran. So I went to the bathroom and I was like, I was freaking out. And it was like it sent me i ran so i went to the bathroom and i was like i was freaking out and i was like there's one way out of this bar it was nutty's in sioux falls for all of you that know huh not with a z there was one one door and i was i i ran out i like went to the bathroom and i made sure he wasn't looking and i just left i told all my friends i had to go for some reason but i ran away from getting beat up that has like that has like gentle gangster in a movie vibes just like i want you to enjoy yourself i want you to have fun tonight go ahead fuck around but when we get done here that was it that was the move and i was

like oh man i pooped i feel like i feel like that guy would do something crazy that you weren't ready for like take his shoes off before he beat the shit out of you? Like, you know when you see somebody beat somebody up and you're like, I never seen anybody do that. Yeah, they do a weird thing for it. Yeah. They, like, roll up their pant legs. You're like, what the fuck's he about to get into? He's doing, like, vocal exercises. He puts on a different tie.

What's that one you do about the doc, Ian, on a very long doc? You know what I'm talking about? Oh, to sit in solemn silence on a dull dark dock in a pestilential prison with a lifelong lock awaiting the sensation of a short chop chop from a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block and then he beats the brakes off

Ian Caleb you have a podcast yourself called Keeping Records yes it's the hottest thing out right now. You and Shelby Wolstein, it's hot. It's fucking sizzling. It's like getting, this podcast is like when somebody orders a fajita at the table next door. Yeah, everyone's looking, baby.

It's really fun. Shelby and I live together. We moved to LA together, not to brag. And, you know, we're talking about the golden records that are out in space right now. Rest in peace. I think it's a great idea. Do you want to tell the people about it? You know, listeners, here's the deal.

In 1977, NASA, you know NASA. Come on. Don't fuck with me. NASA sent two golden records into space. This literally, really, truly happened. And there's a bunch of music and uh drawings and like just images and sounds from earth baby laughing uh people laughing crying they sent it into space and jimmy carter put a message on it um that was basically just like if you find this aliens uh humanity comes in peace

so podcast is we're uh breaking down the stuff on the original records and then we're interviewing a guest about what they would put on their record of humanity. Like what movies, songs, feelings, you know, shit like that. I love that idea. How many times can you put the movie Belly on a record? I was going to say Menace, Jews, Boys in the Hood, New Jersey Drive. Unlimited times. I got a grip above the rim.

Belly with a Korean dub. Yeah. That's the real way to enjoy it. Love that co-dub. That sounds excellent. Anything else you would like to direct people towards? The love of Jesus Christ. Please get out there.

I'm kidding. I don't actually fuck with that. That was just a joke. No, everyone, just have fun and be yourselves. Thank you guys for doing that absolutely what if i logged off now what if i was yeah what if i was just like all right you guys have fun with the buffet shit i was just here to talk about christ i would honestly respect it nothing like it was dope man probably had more dope shit to do go spread the word tell you guys

just speaking of that i don't think so and i don't really care so i'm gonna beat the shit out of you are you are you david it's gonna be hard to do over zoom cry in front of his crush about it hard to do over zoom i'm gonna call sophia uh i went and saw salt and pepper at the alameda county fair uh alameda california and after they they teased Push It the whole time, right? And then after they did Push It, they did What a Man. And Salt transferred What a Man into trying to bring people to Jesus. What? So she was like, I know another great man. And then she was like trying to.

And everybody's filtering out. And she's trying to, like to bring people up to the stage. They had Tupac and Tretch in that video. Dog. Then she's bringing people up to the stage to try to convert them. No, not bringing people down to the altar. Yeah. That's crazy.

And I was like, I came here for Push It and Funnel Cakes. You're out of your jurisdiction, madam. Yeah. You're out of your jurisdiction, madam. Yeah. You're out of your depth, Peppa. Funnel Cakes wasn't playing on the main stage, to be fair. What? Funnel Cakes wasn't playing on the main stage. That's true.

That's true. But you know I love the sideshow. Funnel Cakes sounds like another dude in your little cutie gang. Yeah. Don't fuck with that guy. He's crazy. That's Funnel Cakes. He's crazy.

Little peach satin jackets. I like this. The little cuties gang. It kind of feels like Brock Hampton. Yeah. That's a little cuties gang. Yeah, I like that. There's a lot of us.

There's a lot of us. And we have on 3M jumpsuits. My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish cameo okay jamio jamio dude honestly i thought it was weird when they made a separate platform for jewish people but the more you talk about it the more i like it yeah it's nice it's it's it's kind of it's kind of a four it's the fubu of cameo you know it's it's for us it's by us i say hello It's the FUBU of cameo. It's for us. It's by us.

I say hello to other Jews. I suggest bar mitzvah themes. Whatever you need on there. Whatever you need on there. Whatever you need, I got you. I have nothing to promote. Watch. Did you say FUJU?

I said JUBU. JUBU. I don't know if that's how that works. JUBU sounds terrible. FUJU sounds all right. JUBU sounds like I'm being an asshole. I am a JUBU. I have a JUubu on halloween you're a jubu i think he's a jubu daily now that sounds that's where you cross the line yeah that was fucked up all right

i have nothing i have nothing to promote except uh watch the Late Show with James Corden, where I continue to be an avuncular Andy Richter type on the show and listen to all fantasy everything. That's kind of it, really. That's kind of it, really. Ooh, David. Ooh, was that a ring light, David, or what? No, it was just a lamp on the desk. I like this, though. I like this.

David experimented with lighting for one second and then said, oh, yeah. He did. It just failed. Too much for me. Too much for said, it's not the move. Wait, have you guys ever seen, Ooh, I'm going to start laughing.

Uh, I'm going to try to get through this, that video, that video of, uh, Al Sharpton, uh, exercising.

No, no. Okay. It's one of the funniest things. He he goes someone tweeted this like a couple years ago he's doing push-ups he goes he goes to do a one a one-handed push-up and he like immediately stops and realizes it's a mistake and someone someone tweeted it with the caption uh damn you can really see the fear in his eyes when he realizes that one hand to push up was not the move it's so funny he's instantly like nope nope nope i love it what a bold move to attempt that on video for the first time i mean it's brave to work out on video

period but uh you guys got us i'll find it and link it to you please rainbow push-up coalition what's it going hey what's it going to be reverend al sharpton a little cutie big time look cute picture him in the jacket both sides of his weight loss he was a little cutie by the way yeah yeah the rainbow push-up coalition sounds like my crew of youth pastors that i'd go to skate parks and tell kids not to smoke weed smoke the bible with your eyes that's what i say we're not we are gathered here today not to smoke weed. Smoke the Bible with your eyes. That's what I say. We are gathered here today not to talk about the Rainbow Push Coalition, though it would be a worthy cause. We are gathered here today to draft a fantasy buffet,

which I am fucking excited about. There is a world of possibilities with this topic. It could go any way, and I'm excited to see how you, my friends, put your boards together. Now, the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors, played between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. Here we go.

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! David wins! David wins through rock, Caleb, and Sean through scissors. David, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? It's a great question. It's like if you're doing the chest pass drill in basketball,

where it's fundamentals. You chest pass back and forth. As you're doing that, you have to shuffle sideways down the court. So think of the draft as the basketball in this drill. So one person starts off and you pass it across the court and then you shuffle down a little bit while the other person's still holding the ball and then they pass it back to you as you keep shuffling and then you pass it back to them and then you shuffle some more and they pass it back to you.

So basically the ball goes across, down, across, down, across, down down across down across down sort of like a serpentine draft got it nailed basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round uh now david with david with that in mind what will the order of today's draft be i'm just gonna go the way it is on my screen david caleb sean. Yeah, hot corner. Shut up, dude. Ian George Carmel. Now, David, that means you have the first pick in the Fantasy Buffet All Fantasy Everything draft, and we will get to that pick right after this short break.

This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country. You figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley. All right? You're not Jason Bourne. You can't do that. Two Damon movies. I'm out here. Obviously, you're not ready for that, but you still want to learn a new language because everyone in the world knows new languages. They know multiple languages and we all only know one. Get it done with Babbel.

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Welcome back to all fantasy. Everything. The only podcast that has ever existed except of course for keeping records with caleb heron and shelby wallstein which you can which you can get anywhere podcast is sold but that's it those are the only two podcasts if you've listened to the podcast it's either been all fantasy everything or keeping records those are the two yeah that's it jack it's always been and always will be. Exactly. And there aren't any more getting started. That's it.

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Now, David, you have the first pick in the Fantasy Buffet All Fancy Everything Draft. What will that first pick be okay so my first pick i had to be true to what yeah i shut up it doesn't i had to be true to the first thing that i thought of when i thought of this yes and this is like uh so it's the same buffet but in different states it's called different things hometown buffet oh no country yeah yeah yeah like it's like it's like it's like that style buffet okay i'm saying as a kid this was the first time i ever got unlimited access to this thing and i thought it was a joke i was like there's no way i can go back and get more i'm picking chocolate milk oh wow i didn't see that coming at all yeah is the first pick oh yeah they had

that at bonanza when else do you ever get unlimited access to chocolate milk you tell me i'll wait you don't you don't it doesn't happen it doesn't happen yeah i couldn't believe it well because it's so thick to have more than a couple glasses especially if you're having like a party you'd have to have multiple gallons of chocolate milk at the crib. Nobody had that. Nobody has that. When you go to a place. It's America's most precious resource.

It's liquid gold. It's chocolate milk and white women. That's what we do. It's liquid gold. Only Richie Rich would have that because as you get older, you would never keep that much milk in the house. It would hurt your tummy. It's insane. It would hurt your tummy.

And remember, it even had the special disp dispenser like it wasn't like the soda fountain you had to like pull on the temple of doom shit yeah it would come out all like slow and then it's got to go through the velvet the velvet that they have inside you know there's velvet in there like you're going into hyperspace yeah like a submarine surfacing yeah it would come out really you know soda comes out all bubbly and shit the chocolate milk would come out in a real smooth like glistening stream oh yeah it looks like it looks like paint yeah yeah which is hot that's hot soda comes out like a bunch of angry uncharged ions or something yeah milk just comes out perfectly oh yeah the soda machine energy is reckless but that chocolate milk just comes out

silky smooth. Soda comes out like teens rushing the stage at Woodstock 99. Like it's that level of teenagers. Chocolate milk is a slow walk with a lover. Yes, exactly. Exactly. Just taking it all in. Not gulps, just

sips. Chocolate milk comes out like it's already wearing a silk robe and then says let me slip into something more comfortable exactly let me put on my evening evening wear my twilight wear my post evening wear chocolate milk wears lotion to bed and that's it yeah absolutely yeah chocolate milk i it was the first thing i thought about when we thought when we said buffets is the first thing i thought about when we said buffets. It was the first thing I thought about. That is amazing. I never thought in a thousand years a beverage would go first, let alone a milk.

Yeah. I don't even fuck with milk like that either. Well, Ian's got beef with milk pretty hard. He's got milk beef. No, he can't have beef with meat. I got cow with milk. Yeah, yeah, he can't. That's not right.

You can't have beef with dairy. I don't keep kosher, but where I do keep kosher, yeah, you can't have milk with your meat. Right. But you can't have i don't keep kosher but where i do keep kosher yeah you can't have you can't have milk with your meat right you can't have milk i'm worried though i will say david i'm so sorry to be in confrontation with you because i i don't want to fight with you but if you go hard on the chocolate milk even one even one glass one big glass your stomach is just kind of fucked for the rest of them like you listen i'm here for a good time not a long time we're at the buffet sure that was gonna happen sure and i take back what i said i was mostly kidding anyway do not back up it's a fucking real estate filler it's a real estate

filler it is you're right you're right when i'm at the buffet i'm trying to build multi-unit housing you know what i mean i don't want to fucking ranch with a big backyard. Some of us aren't landlords, you know? Some of us just... David's built different. David doesn't even have that within him. Yeah. Listen, some of us want UBI.

So, you know, we figure that out. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking unreal butt intensity after that chocolate milk. Unreal butt intensity after that chocolate milk. Unreal butt intensity. This is the first single from Will Cuties. And it's not the kind of butt intensity you're thinking about, babe. I got to tell you.

It's not buffet butt intensity, all right? It's sex stuff. Sex, sexual butt intensity. Yeah, it's's sexual someone's getting in there and rooting around oh my goodness oh first off the board i gotta turn this on i gotta turn up the heat turn on the light there he is caleb it's time for your first buffet uh item could not be an easier choice could not be a more correct answer could not be in a more iconic thing to say i go to the buffet the first thing i'm looking for and by the way i'm going to pick all my picks are going to be from the perspective, the point of view, the kind of critical lens of an Americana kind of buffet because they have a little Asian food, a little Thai.

They have everything. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But you got to know, I most often really want to go to a Chinese buffet, but that's not how I'm going to pick on here. I'm with you. I'm going to pick on here my first item from a Golden Corral type buffet, my first job, not to brag. Ooh. Amen.

Spiral ham. Oh, okay. It's a delicacy you go to a buffet they got that big fucker just sitting on the slab glistening you're not allowed to cut it they hold the knife yeah they slice it off you say keep going big dog they keep slicing you get three or four slices on there and that's how you start off. Let me ask you. You worked at a buffet. Is the ham slicer a position of prominence? Is that something you aspire towards when you work there, or is it a punishment? So our guy's name was Blake.

Okay. I got to tell you. You wanted to be – you made the cooks, like the line cooks. They made more than the other back-of-house people who are in the back cooking up, like making the cakes and shit because they had to do so much. I mean you have to man the steaks and you have to know how to get the – you have to get all the steaks different. You have to be a good – you have to be a chef. So they man the steaks. They man the ham. charge of um the logs because at buffets every 30 minutes to an hour someone has to go around and take the temperature of all the food to make sure it's um in the right where it's supposed to be

cold or hot or they say they do that well we did i at my golden corral we weren't fucking around amen amen and i think they really do because people i mean you know it's people get sick from buffets anyway trust me i clean the bathrooms um and it was some heinous shit i gotta tell you talk about an intense butt incident yeah no shit um yeah so uh so it is kind of a position of prominence just because you have to do so much absolutely yeah yeah you're you're a you're you're you're juggling a lot of responsibilities yeah big time. You're a multi-threat quarterback. I always feel like those are like the coolest guys too. Like they'll give you like a slice and then they'll like wink.

Like, hey, there you go, big dog. There you go. Yeah. Oh yeah. When they see me come and they prepare, they prepare to do a couple of slices. I like it when they do the thing in front of you, like the shink, like the sharpen.

Yeah. You can't see David and I are acting out the sharpening of a knife yeah i love when they do that just a little peek behind the curtains just a little bts i love i love a ham i love a i love a ham at a buffet i really do i will say also the reason it's got to be ham for me is because there are a lot of things at a buffet i will make at home making it i mean i'll make it i've met i make ham sometimes but maybe twice a year it's got to be ham for me is because there are a lot of things at a buffet i will make at home making it i mean i'll make it i've met i make ham sometimes but maybe twice a year it's a fucking like eight hour process yeah that's all day that's an all-day ham so i've never made a ham oh you gotta make a ham you gotta make it right you're right surprises me you haven't made

a ham i know it seems like one of the projects i would want to get into yeah it seems like you'd come on one week you're like like, I make hams now. I'm a ham guy. Yeah, I'm a ham guy. Next week. Pop the trunk ham guy. I mean, I'm definitely going to try. I can't make a ham in the summer, though.

Something about that seems crazy. A summer ham? Or like a spring ham, even? It's like Easter, baby. Yeah. Easter ham? Easter ham. It's real.

That's real. Why do you think they call them the Hamptons, dude? That made me so mad. I'm so mad at you. I really loved it. I loved it. I did too. That's a great pick.

Yes. Spiral ham. Shit. Amazing pick. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick. My first pick on the buffet is something that I find I justify using this and all the other picks. I find a way for this to go with anything else that I'm going to pick.

Always a staple at a buffet. Have to get it mashed potatoes and gravy yeah yeah come on i find a way to work all the other items or i'm like that goes of course that goes with mashed potatoes like i tell myself inside like of course you idiot you've never of course it does and then everything else goes in there utility utility player yeah it doesn't always sit well but yeah it's i just love it and if i'm going i'm going uh chicken gravy that's if i'm having my druthers a thin a thin white brown gravy that's what you're looking for oh no i'm thinking of the the white yeah yeah maybe i am there's no country gravy maybe i'm thinking of country gravy it's there's no chunks gray light brown yeah more on the no no more on

the yellow side okay oh real thin the real thin yellow they're just kind of like you're talking about hollandaise real trashy you know mashed potato frosting you guys don't put frosting on there buttercream just it's it's not it's real thin it's. It looks like it, it's, it doesn't look home cooked. A lot of this stuff. If I'm, if I'm being dead honest, I like food that's looks bad for you even like, sure. Sure. That, you know, where you're looking at the gravy and people are like, that's not how,

you know, grandma makes it. I'm like, well, fucking grandma ain't here. Oh boy. That guy's over here slicing ham. And this is the gravy that I get out of it. And I'm in. Well, now i wanted to say i mean like sean you're not you've just gotten into cooking a little bit thank you a little you

just started getting to cooking okay let me stop you there ian okay let me let me ask you this if i were to send you a picture of taco meat that i'm making and i had potatoes in there would you send me a shitty snarky text back saying potatoes don't go in there? Or would you say, oh, it's great. Potatoes go in the taco meat just fine if you're from Mexico. I would drag your ass to hell and back. Yeah. I would be so angry to see potatoes in there. I get people hitting me up on the daily saying that they put potatoes in their taco meat.

You don't simmer them together. Those two things take a completely different amount of time to cook properly. And yet here I sit having done it at least a dozen times. Now that's true. That's true. You also put mustard in corn. Don't just in cream corn. You know I just did that?

I just did that the other day. It is good. You know you're in a tough position when your two defenses against criticism are other people do it too, and I've done it before. That's a really tough spot to be in. Well, I saw someone else do it once. Yeah, and I've done it. I've done it more than once. So what are you guys fucking talking about?

It's so proven. All right? Oh, my God. Absolutely. Yeah, man. Mashed potatoes and grave. Yeah. I would say Sean Jordan Amin can be an artist in in many things

you know food art sean jordan's art is very cheap buffets and he's about to he's about to pay it is dude it is the cheaper and shittier i'm gonna have something on here that costs like 15 cents i think you just i think you just did i'm this this is this is cheaper i'm gonna pick something and eventually that is cheaper than what i just picked oh i'm worried i'm this this is this is cheaper i'm gonna pick something and eventually that is cheaper than what i just picked oh i'm worried i'm gonna try to get it before you i'm trying to think of what it is i want to steal it i'll wait you know i'll make you deal i'll wait till last i'll wait till last i'm funny don't tell us when you're gonna pick what you're gonna pick david you don't know what i'm saying dude i don't that's true i'm in your head doing laps, dude. I'm living up there rent free. All right.

You worry about your own draft. Sean's living in 3008. He's built different. He just is. I am so 2008. That is true. Yeah. Sean's out there with Will.

I am just the two of them wearing atypical sunglasses. He calls him Will. I ain't just like a way to check him. It's in his head. He lives in his head too In 3008, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy are currency And Outkast put out like four new albums In that one year

I believe that I love to see them working Mashed Potatoes and Gravy are the first co-presidents of all time And shout out to TaterCoin We're all gonna get rich It is time for my first pick And my second pick as it is a serpentine draft. Now I listen, I celebrate every kind of buffet and I want to be very clear about that.

I celebrate the cheap buffets, home country buffet. Love that. I love that. I love a golden corral. I love a, I love a Las Vegas buffet. I love a Chinese.

We've been to Vegas buffets together. I love a high end buffet buffet like a salty's in portland oregon i love every kind of buffet but my favorite kind of buffet and i think the place where a buffet peaks although chinese is close i'm a bit i'm a breakfast buffet man i think i was wondering if we were gonna go there that's a good point i i think i a breakfast buffet is the ideal way to eat a breakfast. That's true. Yes. Yeah. Whereas other buffets, you know, like a dinner buffet,

I might rather have a regular dinner than a dinner buffet, but I would rather have a breakfast buffet than a regular breakfast. Yes. So I got to hit you with a one-two punch here. The first punch is I got to take the omelet station. Yes. Thank you for saying that. Yeah. it's so good it's so good this is a way this is a way to kind of weasel in multiple things because it's not just eggs i mean you're getting some stuff in there so like you

first the jubu and then you call me a weasel i don't know i don't like where you're coming from on this podcast sean it's not a good look brother i gotta say you can where you're coming from on this podcast. Sean, it's not a good look, brother. I got to say. You canceled, brother. Last year, last episode, Ian roped me into doing an impersonation of the Jewish happy birthday song. And then I did it. I forgot about that.

And then he goes, oh, okay. And that's kind of how we ended the episode. I felt bad for four days, probably. And I told myself the whole time, I was like, there's absolutely no way. There's no way he's upset about it. But it took me a good four days to get over this. Did it really? What I'm saying is this.

I will feel bad about this for, I don't know, three weeks. I need to be more careful with your feelings. I'm sorry, Sean. Obviously, I'm joking. Yeah, it's a joke. I do hate your shaggy impression though well hold on let me remind you just in case you didn't give a little bit of this little bit of that shaggy let them know oh they call me mr lover lover oh they said the mr boom buster really fantastic written in the box she says i'm mr romantic i don't know what there is to hate if it was

if it was just audio the listeners might be getting a different picture than we are what do you think deniro did before taxi driver you gotta move and now i've put my pants back on and we can keep going adler dude using that whole body i gotta say on the on the shaggy of it all though i did literally last night i uh was driving i was driving uh to burbank because i was meeting a friend to go to the crispy cream parking lot and eat donuts opposite each other in our cars you know how social lives are now yeah and i i listened to my high school like playlist and love me love me love me came on by shaggy shaggy and janet right

and i it's been a minute since i heard that song and i i just put on repeat the whole drive to burbank i was talking with it is that the shaggy and janet one sex machine yeah yeah it's so good no i'm not saying shaggy isn't great no i know what you're saying i do a bad person listen everyone's pretty clear on what was said i support our troops and shaggy was in the navy one of one of the worst parts about working at golden corral uh back to ian's omelet station is on the weekends they do breakfast and you uh it's very popular so you have to get there at like 5 a.m yeah and you gotta imagine being like 15 and going to your job at 5 a.m. I mean, what the fuck is this?

Yeah. And working the omelet station was a fucking nightmare because nonstop. I can only imagine. Nonstop. And everyone had these special little requests, and it was just awful. What city was your Golden Corral in? Make some noise if you've heard of it. Chillicothe, Missouri. Yes. Nope. if you've heard of it chillicothe missouri

yes nope i have not heard of it i'm sorry either but what's the nearest major city uh an hour and a half away is kansas city best city in the world okay okay okay okay great barbecue great you love kansas city missouri sean malto tech nine yeah kansas city tech tech nine yeah absolutely don't think i haven't seen Tech N9ne like three times? Fellas and ladies, no. All day. I'll drink Carabao's with you all day, my friend. Hey, mama said stop or I'm going to tell her papa.

When Tech N9ne refers, when Tech N9ne says a group of girls is given more jaw than Jay Leno, there's not a better line in rap music. That's amazing. Yeah. More jaw than Jay Leno? Come on, Tech. That's so funny. That's great. I love it. 1981, Aaron D. Yates was born, you know? line that's amazing yeah more jaw than jay leno come on that's so great 1990 1981 aaron d8s was

born you know you guys are familiar with i'm a player i'm a player i'm a player like i ain't too anyway the point is omelet station nightmare omelet yeah i can't to be on the other side of it i would never want to be there although i think everyone should have to be once thank you yeah that's just so you know how to carry yourself you can go to an omelet station now i'm just going to backtrack on what i just said you can go in with weird orders you can have them make scrambled eggs for you at the omelet station oh yeah a little chatter in there make it a little scramble for you you can get whatever you want at the omelet station and people do and people do i love i love a fucking omelet station sometimes i'm like make sure you smush fry my mushrooms you know yeah yeah what's that have

to do with an omelet that's behind the kitchen closed doors my friend i like to go i like to go to an omelet station drop off my order because you know it's going to take a second and say i'll be right back and then pop over to another side of the buffet for my next pick okay hot eats time for a cool treat but not the kind of cool treat you're thinking of i'm taking something that's on ice uh-oh i'm taking i'm talking about something where if you handle yourself right you might make your money back on this buffet you motherfucker yuck yuck i'm talking about the fucking crab legs yes yuck yeah i'm talking about the crab legs of the buffet crab legs at a breakfast buffet yeah oh yeah this now i don't know if this made it to chilicothe well this is just a wide open buffet you're not going to do all breakfast or maybe you are i don't know

well we'll see which way i go i don't know I don't know how they handle business in Chilikov, Missouri, but in the Pacific Northwest, also known as the Pacific North Fresh, a lot of people call it the top of the food chain, coastal. You got crab legs at a breakfast buffet, my friend. I am so blown. I mean, living in the middle of the country, this just fucks me up to know that people are doing this. I'm from South Dakotaota and i'm right

there with you it was like uh it wouldn't even if they would have had crab legs at bonanza i'd have fucking started burning buildings at an early age i also grew up in washington state he is correct yeah oh i believe it i mean that's that's amazing that was gonna be my second pick you're so right yeah it's you you can have as much crab legs as you want as i'm robbing a bank now now i'm just robbing a bank those idiots you fucking idiots you fools you fools you let a wolf in the hen house the fuck are you doing you charge me 50 bucks like that wasn't a challenge like i'm not gonna eat more crab than i want because you charged me 50 bucks? Like, that wasn't a challenge? Like, I'm not going to eat more crab than I want because you charged me 50 bucks to come in here? I came in here with cargo shorts.

Yeah. What do you think I'm leaving with? You should have checked me at the fucking door. You should have known when I came in here. There's Tupperware in these fucking pockets, and I'm going nutty bananas in here. My whole starter jacket is lined with plastic. Crab legs are a buffet making hard eye contact with you. I'm not going to be the one to break that eye contact.

Daring you. Begging you to act out. Begging you. Please take all of us. I get a whole plate. By the way, Caleb, if we're ever in Portland, Oregon, or I don't know, Seattle at the same time. And we will be. And we will be.

I'm taking you. If we're in Portland, I'm taking you to Salty's. And we're going to go fucking nuts on some crab legs at a buffet nuts it's all i want king crab king i mean crab legs they're the only thing that ever really makes me mad at a buffet it's hard to get me in a bad mood at a buffet because i'm in heaven yeah when when when they have premium items and they they charge you extra if you – they'll be like $20 for the buffet, $37 if you're going to eat crab legs. And then they like wash your plates.

I'll fucking kill you. What are you talking about? Get the fuck out of here. Take your business risk and fucking eat the cost. You did this. This is Thunderdome. This is Thunder – I walked in. Yeah, exactly.

Are you going to charge me less if I bite into, well, I don't want to say any other items, but like if I only hover over in this low cost area, fuck you. You're not going to do that. Yeah, I hate that shit. I love a crab leg. I love getting a big platter of them. I love having my little butter and my little horseradish and my little cocktail sauce. Thank you.

And then just, i spend time i just go to work dude i just go to work like fucking daniel day lewis between movie roles you know what i mean just crack pull crack pull get a big plate of the meat and i might mix them with the scrambled eggs i just got from the omelet station my man into a corner man now you're importing stuff to the omelet station that's what i like that's right you start you start it up you say i'll be right back you bring the crab to him i did the work yeah i've eaten a crab omelet station that's what i like that's right you start you start it up you say i'll be right back you bring the crab to him i did the work yeah i've eaten a crab omelet in front of you sean pardon my ignorance i'll enjoy it when you do pardon my ignorance i have i don't you've pardon my ignorance many times and i appreciate the crab omelet in front of you we were in the seattle

airport on the way to san francisco for the live afp and i had some james hold on hold on hold the fuck on ian and i did it big on the way in between seattle and san francisco you were on a different at the airport and i missed it yeah we went nuts yeah it was like six in the morning we're drinking that's fucked up gas station sushi wants what airport crab omelet has in terms of danger yeah oh yeah and we had something to do that night that wasn't i wasn't just taking a flyer i did a cakey thick flip in front of little frankie grower that day but we used to call him little frankie girl anyway um if i'm eating crab legs do you is this a plan sometimes where you because you have to shell them or whatever right to get the crab out so you do a bunch of those first and then just eat the reward or do them all one at a time

oh man you guys it depends it depends on where i'm at it depends it also depends on the buffet situation like sometimes they have the ends cut off so you can kind of it kind of just pull but sometimes they it's just like a full leg and you gotta crack them slurp them dump them yeah well and they're doing that by the way i'll tell you if when you ever see the full leg they're not prioritizing your enjoyment it's laborious they're hoping that you'll get tuckered out from the work yeah that's kind of what i was wondering like it's it's a big deal right well you know laborious is my last name exactly laborious or or whatever it was and it's spelled g-l-a-b it's there's a silent g on the front give me a way to burn calories i'm begging for it yeah let me fucking free up some make it

make it work yeah you make it work for me i came to do work so omelet station crab legs sean time for your second pick my second pick uh i fear that it i don't i don't think this will get taken so i'll save it my second pick it's pretty basic but i love it whenever i go just picking meatballs all right just give me meatballs what kind like uh are you hoping for a barbecue sauce are you hoping for a marinara i really don't care i really don't They can all Get it Probably a barbecue Probably a barbecue meatball

Because then I use the barbecue sauce on everything else It's all going together But I just love You'll find Caleb that I'm a simple man Especially when it comes to a buffet Sure and when you say they can all get it You're fucking these meatballs A lot of things i also brought them out yeah i also brought cargo shorts

but with no pockets inside so i'm doing a lot of meatballs into a protein shake or anything that's how i was conceived yeah just meatballs i uh i i probably don't know probably load like 10 15 on there on a fork are you putting two on a load like 10 15 on there on the fork are you putting two on a fork are you putting the two on the fork side by side or are you lining them up like a bobsled team what's going on here i've been known to do two like one on top of the other and then use like eat half the fork i'm a big condiment person too so i guess not to get in the way of curse step on anything but i'll have a bunch of different condiments and it'll be like

half the meatball goes into one i'll eat half of it half the meatball goes into the other half the meatball might go into the gravy some might get some mashed potatoes on it i know david kicked us off with uh with chocolate milk but i don't think anyone's gonna take a condiment i hope not i was just gonna say i doubt it if somebody takes a condiment i'm gonna i'm gonna go nuts i think you can say a condiment i think you can say what you like to dip into yeah well all of them like there's the ranch the blue cheese the honey mustard anything i can get over at the other end of the buffet just turned i get a little ramekin or i'll just get a condiment plate that's a move that i've done numerous times next time you come down i'm gonna make you those grape jelly meatballs again i love them so much super bowl meatballs

that's what i was thinking of but i i guess, can I, I'll say that. You know what? Ian's meatballs in there. Absolutely. Grape jelly is the secret to, so grape jelly is the secret to good chili. It's the secret to good meatballs. Grape jelly is anytime you're doing a barbecue chili kind of profile, you got to get some grape jelly in there.

It's so good. If you get a biscuit at a fast food restaurant, get one of those little grape jellies. Get a little grape jelly. It's not going to hurt anything. Have some fun with it. Put it on there. Put it on there. Put it on there. Come on. Be a little cutie.ies a little grape jelly it's not gonna hurt anything have some fun with it at this breakfast buffet or cartwheels be a little cutie be a little cutie the big condiment move for me is um sean you you said you do like a little plate just for condiments yeah i i if they don't have ramekins i will do a plate and just like quadrant it off

i do it at arby's all the time or i'll use the tray i like to grab like a soup bowl or one of the little ice cream bowls and just load it with ranch take it back to the table that's gonna be my little ranch bowl for the meal oh yeah that's my little ranch bowl my buddy my buddy mike swimming pool ranch we'd go to mcdonald's and he would ask him for uh like a the biggest lid that they had for soda and he would turn that into a ketchup tray he would just like fill it with ketchup and bring it back to the table i was like holy buckets oh yeah i do the lid thing yeah because they try to fuck you with the tiny little like this is your ketchup container and it's like a soda cap yeah one one big hardy's fry and that thing's gone you know what am i doing so you double your lids up and then you yeah when they give you the tray you know when you're when you're dining in at a fast food

restaurant there's the paper on the tray pump pumping on there my ketchup goes right onto that paper yeah i i get what you're saying i know i i that's how i do it that's some pre-covid shit for sure well i used to so i used to do that and then i started thinking because i a couple times it would get pretty sloppy and i would dump it and it would go everywhere and i'm like oh that's a bummer because then like there's i would think like if somebody picks this tray up who works here and they get my three pepper sauce on their fingers and it wrecks their day,

that's a bummer for me to have to think about. Sean, you have to remember, though, Ian doesn't care about working class people. No. So you're coming at it from a place he can't understand. When I got that first letter from the WGA, it was fucking curtains. I don't mind if they have to pick up a ketchupy piece of paper because I already spit on them.

So it's not going to be the worst part of their day. The worst part of their day is going to be the 10 minutes that Ian spent insulting them before he walked out. That's right. The sauce will feel like heaven after that. You think you should get paid $15 an hour for this, you fucking pig? I showed this crap yeah you didn't that made me that made me turtle up like my shoulders went in when i heard you say what you fucking pig i write carpool karaoke you fucking swine i still i stand by it pig is like it's up there with the worst thing

you can seriously call someone if you're serious rough pig is right that's a tough one get out of the road you pig it's such a bummer fast food is one of the bummer jobs i never had nick my friend nick manpain on the podcast not in the studio hat did did work a mcdonald's shift and one day he stole like a huge fucking bag of the uh mcflurry m&ms my man had those in the freezer for like ages nick's nick's out there nick doesn't go in there and like you kind of drink them also the night he brought that home i think is he could correct me is the night we try to eat potpourri just to see it never works out like you want it to it smells so good we were like what if you eat it don't you would think it would taste like apple cinnamon it does not no you would think that if you don't think about it too much you would really think

that if you're just popping it like trail mix yeah if if that if that thought is just a layover on a trip to another city you know can i ask you this question is potpourri over i think it is it was huge when we were kids yeah one of these days after pandemic i'll take you over to kelly jordan's house and you'll see that potpourri is alive and well my friend she still got potpourri along with bowling balls in the front yard covered in tinfoil because she didn't want a bowling ball to look trashy so she didn't want to buy a gazing ball uh once now i think i feel like now i don't even know where to get it once pier one imports went out of business i'm like where do i even buy it you know right probably right right exactly yeah uh caleb time for your

second pick yeah again iconic easy really elegant um thing for me to say here um now i'm a little torn on what i'm allowed to get away with see i was feeling conservative before but then sean took every condiment, so I'm feeling like I can be risky. I'm going to say shrimp. Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what I thought Ian was going to take. Equally as disgusting as crab legs.

Get the part here. David's getting fucked over. Both of David's legs are gone. There is this at a buffet in my hometown. I have not been able to find it anywhere else. I'm sure someone does it, can't have not been able to find it anywhere else i'm sure someone does it but i haven't ever there is a a sautéed shrimp with black beans and onions and garlic oh yeah it is the fuck in the they cook it so long that the beans and onions are like

super like uh caramelized and it's really like i mean i would just go to this buffet and i it was to the point where i wouldn't go unless i was very close i wouldn't take people with me unless they were like blood relatives because it was embarrassing what i would do with the shrimp i would i would get bowls and bowls of shrimp at one point one of the ladies working there was uh i was on like my fourth bowl of shrimp just going to town on it and um one second guys sorry i'll get back into this thank you so much shelby my laptop's dying so my very sweet roommate brought my thing so i uh fail on you guys shout out to shout out to shelby call hell yeah you guys can leave this in if you want she's an angel marissa leave this in put some air horns

around it all right right, cool. I'm doing shrimp, baby. You want it fried. You want it coconut breaded. You want it teriyaki. It doesn't matter. The shrimp at a buffet is such a delicacy. Cocktail shrimp even.

Oh, yeah. Go nuts. Oh, yeah. I want it fried, dyed, and laid to the side. I like all that. Oh, my God. All that. I do get mad though buffets buffets that

do um the cold cocktail shrimp but they don't peel them they just set it on ice unpeeled i'm not trying to get my fingers all soggy peeling 20 000 shrimps because i'm gonna eat 20 000 of them yeah oh yeah yeah so many shrimp you got iodine poison absolutely yeah yeah what's weird is the fancier the buffet the more work they leave for you to do yeah like if you get in the show the shrimp with a shell on you're at a you're probably at a pretty fancy buffet that's how they recoup costs yeah yeah they blew their overhead on like nice booths that you go to a golden crowd you're sitting in like at a card table with like broken chairs that's all you gotta fucking build a fucking elephant graveyard of like shrimp skeleton exoskeletons and you gotta like tell your kid like you must never go there

you know like it's that do you think they want they want you to think about that so you eat less shrimp because if they're thinking like well they have all those skeletons are gonna feel shitty oh yeah it's part of part of the business model of buffets is they count on human shame they yeah they bank on the idea that i'm gonna you know see a pile of shrimp skins next to my plate and feel like I should slow down. And that's where they lose with me. They win with a lot of people there. Well, I've never thought about that. This is where I win.

The psychology of how many times somebody is willing to go to the same person and ask for the same thing. Because I've never even has the thought crossed my mind of being embarrassed about asking for more i had to get i had to get real real with a server at applebee's once during their uh never-ending riblets promotion where they kept bringing out and like and you're serious right you really did i'm serious and like 20 like it would take like 15 to 20 minutes for them from me asking to them bringing out more riblets. And then they would bring out like three riblets.

And I've been like, this is either in high school or right after high school. I had to be like, hey, I know you were probably told to bring out only a few riblets when people ask for more riblets, but I'm going to be eating a lot of riblets. And either, I don't have anything to do tonight. Either. Either you. I can be at this table with my good friend here for four hours. Or you can bring me the amount of riblets that I want. Because it's never ending. That's 20 bucks.

The buck stops fucking here. Yeah. Do you want to flip this table or do you not want to flip this table? If you want to flip this table, I better be swimming in riblets real soon. Bring out the amount of riblets I need to feel something. You're getting the same tip. You want to be like,

here's whatever the tip is. It's going to be this in three hours, or it can be this in a half hour if we do this right. I'm 19. I have $20, all right? You're getting the $2.75 that's left over. You're getting whatever's left over.

That's it. I'm sitting in your booth drinking a water at Unlimited Riblets. Do you think this is going to be hot for you after three hours? It's not. Bring the riblets. They do that same. Speaking of that little scam, Unlimited Shrimp at Red Lobster, they've tried to fuck me on that. Oh, yeah.

Folks, I'm hip to the game. I tell them. I say, bring out the next four while I'm waiting. scam uh unlimited shrimp at red lobster they've tried to fuck me on that oh yeah folks it's not good i'm hip to the game i tell them i say bring out the next four while i'm waiting because i'm gonna be here i'm gonna be eating the shrimp it's unlimited i came for it you're not gonna fuck me on the weight you're mcconaughey and the wolf wall street keep them coming every five minutes i will say though shout out to the never-ending pasta bowl for being they handle it right and they do it garden they don't try to fuck you they know yeah i was gonna do it up over there yeah yeah shrimp david time for your second and third picks so my second pick i am going because i'm getting just chopped out yeah i was gonna say you're getting eviscerated fucking getting eviscerated

you didn't have to take chocolate milk first i had to all right i had to for the streets i will say you didn't have to put yourself first all right you listen fourth and got all i got i gotta support me you know what i mean make a necklace we love ourselves and then we put that out into the world past it yeah if you saved it till the end though i will say there was zero chance it was gonna get taken taken from you. I wasn't taking it. Anywhere near my list. It was not going to get taken. I have much, much cheaper, shittier foods that I'll be taking.

And in hindsight, was it a terrible idea? Yes. But do I have this confident tone that I just push out because I know I did something wrong? I do. So that's how I feel about it. Second pick. Second pick. I'm going to a chinese buffet

but not a traditional chinese food i'm taking the little kind of like the flavor is only salt and pepper really the chicken wings at a chinese buffet yeah the ones the ones with the sticks through them kind of you're talking about this i don't want to say another no no i'm not no okay all right all right sorry i know what you're talking continue continue i'm talking about i unlike i like my wings with bones sean that's something you should know about me yeah cool you've been talking about a lot of stuff sean has confronted the truth that he does not like chicken wings he likes chicken nuggets yes or a boneless i want to make something harder i don't you know yeah what didn't sound like it was all right when you when your tone so it's okay with me listen i'm just the voice of fire on the mountain all right i don't have yeah no listen it's i'm the one who's not all right with it i know you're not david will

clean up my wings for me caleb we've been out eating wings multiple times and he'll be like you you think that's done and he'll clean it up little boy i've done it like a child believe believe i would do the same i can't stand i mean i have friends that uh won't even the the two bone wings they won't even break it apart they'll just chew around the edges insane oh nothing gets me heated like seeing someone do that i eat chicken wings like the ship from the shtetl in poland just made landfall in fucking new york i like there's no meat on there i bite off the ends and suck the marrow out of it i go like you i clean those bones well enough you can use them to make more wings you can use them as utensils right on to a guy's necklace as soon as i'm done eating exactly there's no cartilage there's no fat there's not a stone left unturned on those

into a flute immediately i order more wings than i want because i know i'm not going to clean them well enough and it won't fill me up so if i want 12 i'll get like 18 because i'm like i know i don't eat enough i order 18 and then eat them the way I just described. I mean, I can, I could eat 20 wings worth of anything. Bone in or bone out. I could eat, just give me 40 wings and I'll eat 20 wings. I love that movie. Bone in, bone out.

Bone in, bone out. It's hot. Everyone's talking about it. I do miss David Arquette. Those salt and pepper ones specifically. The specifically, I'm'm specific if we're talking specific specific yeah i'm talking about super panda in highland park off of york okay that that i mean man me and solomon giorgio would go there when i had less than any money

do you david do you like uh or anybody do you guys like uh whatever open it up i guess it's not the caleb and david show the chicken wings do you like them to be real plump or real small okay so this is obviously i've blogged about it the heads know uh i have recently been feeling like chicken wings in general have been going down, but I like a bigger wing. Yeah. I'd much rather have a bigger wing. I'm so,

cause like, I like to think of myself as like advanced. So I like it when it has the little flappy on it. You know what I'm talking about? The, the discarded, the part that's often discarded. Oh,

the little extra, like boop, the little L that hangs around. I like that too. Yeah. I'll clean up the L. The end of the way. Yeah. Arm thing. Yeah. Oh, the little extra like boop, the little L that hangs around. I like that too. Yeah, I'll clean up the L. The end of the wing? The forearm thing. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, they would do those at, what's that place, Ian, that unfortunately went out of business in Portland? Oh, are we talking about Pok Pok? Yeah, yeah. Pok Pok would have a big, Pok Pok would give you that big ass wing though, like that big wing,

but they did a fish sauce wing. It was like Thai, a very authentic, delicious wing. Like six inch wing. I i had the i ran a foul of those wings at a non-pok pok place here in la just like a traditional wing flavor on like the big wing and that's a bit much it's still good i ate it don't get me wrong but like it's not what i want when i go in for a wing but big wangs in la can fuck off that wing is too small they're like two inches i cannot stand them i was the mean on that the perfect size chicken wing to me i was i was turned on to uh in los angeles by mr ian carmel uh he rustic in perfect size chicken yeah yeah it's a great

wing they don't do too much when i first moved there uh a friend took me there because i was depressed one day he took me there because I was depressed one day. He took me there and I had some wings. I'm the friend. I'm the friend that did that. We still got to have that wing night, Caleb, by the way. Next time I'm on a cheat day, we'll do it. We'll get a fucking... Someday we're going to go nuts.

Those ye rustic... I mean, I've lived in LA for eight months, maybe six months, and I've had ye rustic wings 20,000 times. It's so, it's so good. Cause it's not a wing town. LA is not a wing town. It's not,

even though you think it should be, is it cause it's hot? I think that LA, I think that LA has good food on the top and that the middle and bottom is sorely lacking. Yeah. Well the middle and bottom, like you only,

it's only like, it sounds so weird ethnic food you know what i mean like but it's like yoshinoya beef bowl like in san francisco i could just go to clement street and just get all the pork buns or whatever i wanted for right like they had good street food taco trucks and like there's good like mexican food that's middle and low end as far as cost goes but like taste and quality is high end you know what i mean but like they don't have you can't get there isn't a good chicken wing place here other than you rustic but like you would think some big wings would have good wings but they don't or that somebody would have come out and taken their corner but they have big wings

is all sizzle no steak i hate that place it's like a cool logo and the name means big dicks i get it we're having fun in there but nah they ain't got it again after the the night we'll go to salty's in the morning and then at night we'll go to this place called fire on the mountain which in my opinion is the best chicken wing i've ever had in portland oregon fire on the mountain is that specific to portland yeah i have one in denver as well okay okay i i feel like i've heard of it before i've been to denver a couple times so maybe that's why but it's perfect so good it's perfect david time for your third pick uh my third pick and this is uh similar to sean's mashed potato pick but i obviously like i said i like the chinese buffet better uh i'm picking just chow mein

oh come on straight up straight up buffet style chow mein you put whatever you want on top it's always delicious i love as a kid i used to call it chinese spaghetti i loved it yeah and it is you nailed it i mean they invented it right it was It was theirs first? Oh, probably. Marco Polo brought pasta back to Italy. Yeah. Right. So spaghetti is actually Italian chow mein. That's right. There we go.

Okay. Thank you for saying that. Italian chow mein. He'll get you whatever you need, by the way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Italian chow mein? Yeah. Him and Chinese Jamal, man.

They'll get it done. Chinese? No, go ahead. You're kidding. I was about to freak out about Chinese Jamal. Just the name makes me scared. Chinese Jamal? He could just be doing anything.

He could be going nuts. I was going to say something really, really, really important, which is just that I also like Chinese chow mein. It's so good. Anywhere I go, whether Chinese chow mein. It's so good. Anywhere I go, whether like chow mein or fried rice, even the question is so insulting to me that it would ever be fried rice. Anytime they do that, the fried rice is always fucked up. I mean, they're not even being serious about it.

And the chow mein is good. Yeah. And once I started making my own fried rice, now I can't really fuck with it at restaurants like that. But I don't ever make my own chow mein. Chow mein's got a high floor and a high ceiling. You know, it's one of those foods. Yeah, it's too many sauces for me to want to make at home.

It's a good bed. It's a good bedding food. It's perfect. Especially in a buffet. You want to put it under something saucy. I really want to put it under something saucy because then you spin a couple noodles, take a bite of the thing, like some bourbonbon chicken or something and then the sauce is on the

rest of the noodles so when you go to finish off the noodles you got a real situation going oh yeah it's flavor town it's all flavor town and i will say now chow mein depending on the buffet you're at it does it's another high real estate food yeah yeah it's another it does take up a lot of room we used to go to this buffet uh oh god what was it called it's a sushi buffet hold on did it have number one in the name somewhere no it's like a chain uh that like there was one in portland and we used to go to it it was in the pioneer place mall and we would go to it in football and try to fucking break the bank god dude we used to do that too at country buffet the whole team toad eye toad eye is what it's called yeah why does everybody every football team just do that yeah we're the we're

the guys for it i mean i think it's just young like we used to do it we'd after we'd whatever if we'd go skating or we'd have like one night where we'd be like let's because it was nine bucks or whatever to go to china buffet and there would be like once a week we'd be like let's go to china buffet and just wreck it and then we would do we would it would it'd be pretty buck like by the we'd have to go in the other room because they'd have those long tables and it'd be like 30 plates at the end of it and you're like yeah we did when when i was in college me and a bunch of guys in my fraternity every fall when um when unlimited shrimp at red lobster was happening we'd all skip class uh one day couldn't be on the weekend by the way we had to skip class

and like 40 of us that's part of it like 40 of us would just fucking roll deep into red lobster and go the servers hated us oh of course we tipped we tipped okay though but i mean we fucked it up the plates were they they had an extra dish boy when they knew we were coming yeah they would have to keep it coming we were going and just fucking ruin toad eye we would just go in and try to like ruin it and like that's why and to the point where it got strategic like now i would I would have a little chow mein. But back then, I'm like, that takes up too much room. One thing. Green lights.

That takes up too much room. I could have some chow mein or I could have eight fucking California rolls. You know, it was like that kind of thing. You've really grown, Ian. That's good. That's nice. Yeah. You're mature.

Homeowner. Mature. Homeowner. Yeah, homeowner. That's what it was. You buy a home and you start to look at shit differently. I was like, I can't keep doing this this fucking lifestyle i gotta get some chow mein caleb time for your third pick we get four picks overall yeah uh and then a lightning

and then a lightning we'll go quick okay okay okay so my third pick well well well what do we have here folks it's difficult uh there's two different casseroles i'm between, and I feel pretty specific that I need to pick one. And so I'm going to, and I'm going to say, because you see it more often than the other one, I'm going to tell you my third pick is a green bean casserole. Whoa, really? A green bean casserole. Yeah, with the little French onions on top. You go in on that guy.

You get a big because you want to eat some vegetables but you don't want to be like i'm healthy move where you're like yeah and it's a lie you go you go and you tell yourself gotta have some veggies on the plate and you ignore the salad bar and you go to the like cream and french onion crusted like you go you throw a big thing on the plate and that's the plate where you're going to get some other of that type of food and let it kind of mix in you know how it is yeah that salad bar what's it even doing there that sad iceberg lettuce like raw cauliflower i'll go to i'll go to soup plantation i'll go to a salad bar exactly for a salad it's just hanging out over there with those sad little

carrot spears just just like next to that thing a fucking thousand island both of them just never hanging out on the wall at the dance you know cherry tomatoes are so old the skin starts to look like gushers yeah it's fucking weird man they leave the like jello by it to try and draw you in it's not fucking working i'm not i'm not new jello's a good friend for doing that by the way but like come on also soup plantation i've never heard of that but but I don't think I like it. It's sweet. It's sweet. I had to also reconcile. I had to come with that.

I had to like, kind of, it was good though. It was a salad buffet, but it's very good. It's good. Okay. Is it still here?

It's still in LA, right? No, it went out of business right when the pandemic started. One day, they had 15 bucks in the bank. Ar's is still around but fucking soup plantation that was you know the first time that uh i think i could be wrong but i think the first time that we like went to like a destination lunch it was sweet tomatoes and beaverton oh i'll buy that i never

i've never heard of it but i think it was even before wings and stuff i think it was the first time we like went out to eat as friends after we broke up no i went out to eat his friends it was like no i'm serious i do want to be friends yeah yeah let's go to sweet tomatoes no i'd never heard of it and you're like i'm going to show you this place and it was just on like michelle kwan that place is so dope but anyway you guys talked about what went wrong and what the path forward is and had a nice little chat. Yeah. Ian brought up his new squeeze. Sean was not comfortable. So he said, not now.

We're not talking about now. That's for later. That's for later. Then I went and totaled the bathroom. I'm going to get up and I'm going to get four leaves of iceberg lettuce and cover it in so much ranch. I'll be right back and give you a second to sort of cool out. Yeah. Nobody wins a breakup.

You know, we both just survived. Not a competition, which is short for competition. Green bean casserole. That's it. That's delicious. Heavy gravy. Heavy, those French onions on top. I love it.

David Borey. Or what? Sean Jordan. Nope. Oh, shit, it is me. That's all right. All right. I'm going all over the place.

I'll take my time. I'm going all over the place. This is definitely, I'm not going to feel great after this, but I just got to do it. This is a buffet with everything. So I have the mashed potatoes. I have the meatballs.

And now I want orange chicken. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Thank you for saying it. They don't. It's not my favorite, but it's a solid. Now I want orange chicken. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Thank you for saying it. They don't. And I had to, it's not my favorite,

but it's a solid, this has kind of been happening over the course of this, where I'm like, you guys are, you guys are doing great. I'm kind of just making an abomination. That's going to be good, but I'm not going to feel that great afterwards.

It's going to be good when I'm eating. Are you hoping for a sweeter or a spicier orange chicken? If you got spicy, give it to sweeter or a spicier orange chicken if you got spicy give it to me the spicier on yourself david's drink is chasing down chow mein with chocolate milk we're all right nobody here is david's living none of us are well for one more week he's fucking out of here i'm just i'm just trying to think if i had like the amount of mashed potatoes that i would eat and the amount of meatballs i would eat coupled with the amount of orange chicken and whatever I pick next. It's going to be gnarly.

Would you put it all on one plate? I didn't know we were picking it all on one plate. I go one plate. It's all going on one plate. And I think he likes it that way. I don't give a rip. What do I care? Get the get the get the OC in the mashed potatoes.

I'm not sweating it. It's they can they can. Yeah, they can swim in the same lake. What am I? The gravy all over the top? I can. I mean, I don't want to, but I'm saying if it happens, I'm not going to be like, take this plate away from me.

See, I do very themed plates at a buffet. I'm having an Asian plate. I'm having a Thanksgiving style plate. I do a very, because I can't, if orange chicken sauce was mixed with even a little bit of potato, it's all over for me. I'm not horny anymore.

I think it sounds great. My first plate is usually a fucking, is like a cultural melting pot. My first plate is like fucking, is Hell's Kitchen, New York. But like, then I go to the- My first plate is mickey spillane's baby i i'll get like my first plate is the one where i'll get all the different

stuff but i don't have it touching where i'm like okay i'm gonna be cool i'm gonna and then by the third or fourth i'm just heap on heap it's all it's all good the way that i see it if all the flavors are dope i like them all then i'm gonna like i i put hot sauce on everything so stuff that's already flavored like i'm gonna have these barbecue meatballs with hot sauce on them i'm probably gonna have this orange chicken uh with like spicy mustard and then some of that spicy mustard probably goes in the mashed potatoes just to try it then some goes on the meatballs i'm like oh it's pretty dank and then i just have a plate with meatballs and spicy mustard now.

You're very brave. I do what I can. I do what I can. So yeah, I think orange chicken is pick number three. If they got it spicy, great. It's normally not spicy ever, but it's the most chicken-ass

chicken. Because if there's other kinds I could have got, but they put other stuff in there. This one's like just chicken and sauce. Because there's other kinds I could have got. But they put other stuff in there. This one's like just chicken and sauce. So that's what I want. Love it. Thanks, bro. Amazing.

Time for my third pick. My third and fourth picks as it is a serpentine draft. Now with this one, I'm going to go with... And let me know if this is in bounds. I think it is. I think it is. You're not going to find this at a Golden Corral style buffet. But at a nicer buffet, the one that I

have set upon to create here with my picks. Aspirational. I'm doing a bagel station. I'm talking about bagels, cream cheese, lox, red onions over there, and you make your own, you fuck up your own bagel. Is that okay?

Or is that too... Any station is good it's gonna fill you up man like that you don't i don't know if you got a lot of those there's not and there's not someone working it there's not someone working it there's nobody stationed there like an omelet station so it's kind of it's just a bagel it's just a bagel you know pump your own gas or the situation yeah party at your own pace yeah they sit they sit heavy they they yeah and what i'll do i only want half at a buffet. I only want half a bagel.

I suppose you don't have to go ham on the whole thing, huh? I'm doing the top half of a bagel. If they make me cut my own, which I'm happy to do, I will throw the bottom half away. Again, I don't care. They could even do mini bagels. They could do mini bagels. You could load that thing up.

And I'm going to put too much cream cheese on it and way too much lox. Yeah, yeah. Spilling out the sides too much cream cheese on it and way too much lox. Yeah, yeah. Spilling out the sides. Way too much lox. Way too much lox. Spilling out the sides. To the point where I'm violating a theory we made with First Nations people.

You know what I mean? Yeah, Chicloot, Jadakiss, and Stiles people. All three. So much lox. Yeah. Fucking so much. Because, again, that's another one of those big ticket items where if you put it at a buffet, fine. You got to go in on it.

Win your money back. I put lox on the bagel hoping that some of the lox is going to fall off the bagel as I'm eating it. And then I can just like eat a couple pieces of lox. Oh, yeah. I fucking love it. Like sausage from a pizza. I love when pizza does that when on the top of your head afterwards you just get to go scoop and then you do one of those love it i love

that scoop yeah now speaking of sausage caleb time for my fourth pick now you gotta have a breakfast meat i got the eggs i've got my i've got my bread you know i've got my bagel there and i've got a little seafood you gotta have it you gotta have a meat from the land. And my preferred breakfast meat is a sausage. Yeah. Of course. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. You want me to get specific? I'm going with a little brown and serve little Maple-y sort of like those ones where you just, you can eat 60 of them and, and, and. Patties or links?

Links. I'm a link guy. Okay. No, listen, we respect the patties. Yeah. Yeah. In this house. And if they got patties, I'm happy to do it, but i'm a link guy okay no listen we respect the patties yeah yeah in this house and if they got patties i'm happy to do it but i'm a link guy i gotta say if you're if you're gonna serve me a sausage and it's in link form i want the maple i want the

sweet brown sugar of it all if you're gonna serve me a patty i want kind of a country style spicy i couldn't agree more with what you just said i didn't know i felt that way until you just said it thank you sean i'm happy to do that yeah that's absolutely right that's the point of art you know artists we we show the we show people their world back to them like a mirror yeah absolutely yeah do you get have you ever caught yourself dipping uh sausage straight into syrup and then that's one thing where i'm like oh man i mean i do it but i'm like i you know i'd prefer it if this wasn't like a thing that people were staring at bake in sort of a sweet flavor until a lot of these sausages all you're doing is expanding on the author's intent okay

in fact uh sean on that note when i when i was uh live when i lived in chicago and i had to commute downtown and walk through in downtown chicago in the winter freezing cold but specifically downtown the buildings are so tall it creates wind tunnels so it's like we need a city they mute downtown and walk through in downtown Chicago in the winter, freezing cold, but specifically downtown, the buildings are so tall, it creates wind tunnels. So it's like, we need to call it. Yeah.

Hey, you heard it. And it's like negative 20 degrees. So my big thing was to, to get myself out of bed and go to my job that I fucking hated was that I would reward myself by going to seven 11 on the corner of my office building and getting a, to um 7-eleven on the corner of my office building and getting a they had a sausage wrapped in a pancake wrap with little specks of syrup in it you're in friendly waters you're in

friendly waters come on and i get that and i eat it and then i go to my shitty job and be like today's gonna be okay that 7-eleven hot roller bar thing has has been a part of my life since they debuted it yeah I was going to ABC Mouse no more than a gentleman's two years ago and I would get those cream cheese tornadoes they had or whatever. It's a go-go taquito. Have some fucking respect, my friend. Yeah.

It's a go-go taquito. It honors the groundbreaking DC music go-go scene. Yeah. I'd get... And the chicken rollers. the, the groundbreaking DC music go, go scene. Uh, yeah, I would, I get, I'd get,

and the chicken rollers, the chicken rollers too. Oh my God. I gotta, I gotta ask Sean, do you know? Well, I guess anybody,

cause you guys have all, uh, quick trip. Are we familiar with quick trip? The gas station? Yeah. Yeah. QT. Yeah.

The quick trip. First of all, cleanest bathrooms in any gas station in the world. You always want to stop at one. If you see it there, um, bathrooms in any gas station in the world. You always want to stop at one if you see it. Oh. They have these buffalo chicken. It's a buffalo chicken crust.

Buffalo crust and then a chicken cylinder. Yeah. And then they have little melted cheese dots inside of it. Oh, my God. That is the best roller item in America. Oh, my God. I throw that bad boy in a bun. Yeah, you put that thing in a bun.

You get two of them. Put them in two buns and then you get a sweet tea put some condos on top of it yeah anytime I would do road gigs in the midwest like all those road gigs like in Peoria was a big one where I'd go I'd stop and I'd be like I'm gonna stop at like four quick trips on the way oh yeah you got to

and you use the clean bathroom it's not the best gas station food in the midwest but it's the best roller food but if they got that roller yeah I love the buffalo chicken roller from 7-Eleven it's the best roller food. But if they got that roller, yeah. I love the Buffalo Chicken Roller from 7-Eleven. It's great. And this sounds like a better version of that. I'm sold.

I got to try it. I got to try the 7-Eleven. The clean bathroom is paramount because it makes you have to shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You eat one in the car and you go back in. Yeah. Again, I'll just throw this out

whenever I have the opportunity. Between Portland and Seattle, that's Starbucks. And whatever that town is that has the furniture store with the fake cows in front of it, that's the bathroom for you. It's private it a private i love it it's a private you'll catch me you'll catch me in a family bathroom i they got a little changing table

in there and i'm in there wrecking that shit i put that down i light a couple candlesticks on there yeah oh yeah play some shot a the uh the bridgetown festival it's the sweetest taboo we always talk about the the bathrooms that lock they'd be like a big thing at the festival. Like, which of these disgusting bars has a single person bathroom that will lock for real? Because all the bars had like kicked in bathroom locks from whatever scorned lover was there the night before. You want to take that deuce that you've been holding in for seven hours. There's nowhere to take it. Since your 4 p.m. show, but you've had six more pieces of pizza and eight

beers festivals sean time for your fourth pick fourth pick i gotta throw some pizza on there buffalo chicken pizza oh i love to hear it it's not like you're not gonna get that at every buffet specifically for this one i'm thinking of pizza ranch which is like a you know midwestern i don't know how far they go but we have a ton in sioux falls um but they you know they have they cover all these bases it's kind of like we had izzy's which was pizza and a whole lot more in the pacific northwest oh my god i forgot about izzy's pizza ranch is where you can get like pretty much everything except you would get it at chinese but you can get all the normal not normal you can get all the like midwestern americana like caleb was talking about your fried chicken your yeah yeah all they

doing a big pizza pie or they doing those little buffet pizza pies they do the skinny minis like in the middle um yeah one dope thing about pizza ranch though is they had a basketball court inside what that was pretty tight yeah so you could go you could go you could go shoot around and yeah they had a basketball court they had an arcade that happened a lot on that basketball court inside the pizza buffet which was yeah just the gurgle of stomachs especially especially if david was there because he's he's like three quarts deep on chocolate milk. Yeah, he's sloshing. I'm full of chow mein, and I'm trying to play knockout. Running line drills.

Not knockout. Knockout. You guys want to go play lightning? Half court, we want to play. And you're like, I don't know. Let's play some lazy horse. We got six dudes. Let's just go play 21 in here.

Or waiting for that buffalo chicken pizza to come out you're not gonna you're not gonna get that at every buffet but you i find i bet you'd get it about half i like that my favorite pizza buffet is the round table buffet though i gotta hold it down i like cc's everybody talks shit about it and they're like well it's not great i'm like oh it's five six bucks for all you can eat pizza i know it's not great i respect how nuts cc's is trying to go they're like yeah macaroni and cheese pizza whatever whatever fuck you guys we'll do whatever we want yeah it's our restaurant you gonna try it yeah it costs fucking 14 cents for us to make it we'll throw it away we don't care i i almost got kicked off my middle school academic team for an

incident at a cc's this Oh my god! That's a book I would read. It's a book you will read, brother. It's in the works. Simon and Schuster, thank you so much. Jeff Schuster, actually. Simon, in good conscience, couldn't be involved. It was too controversial! Simon went out on it

because Schuster's trying to rebrand. I mean, Simon's also backdoor involved with CC's. Yeah, yeah. It's the new Salino and Barnes. It's a connection thing. The kids on my team bet me that I wouldn't drop my pants at the pizza bar. Come on.

And I was like, you guys don't know who you're fucking with. I would do it today. I would do it now. I would always drop my – you guys are sick. You guys are idiots. This is the easiest thing I've ever done. And I did it, and my teacher saw, and I had to have a whole talk with the principal the next day about how I represented

our school district. Did you tell him that now it's academic and now you represent the D's? Yeah, they couldn't kick me out. He was so mad. He was like, you know, I would kick you off if I had my way. I was like, I'm untouchable, bitch. No one scores like I do.

Academic team couldn't afford to lose me come on i know math equations you can't touch me mr haley you're done i'm here on a super max yeah exactly there's different rules for different players i'm the lebron james of this shit fuck oh that's amazing that's amazing and it's you say you're gonna do a pizza buffet that's fine that's not the worst thing anyone's to see you do that day at a pizza buffet. It's not even the worst thing they saw at CC's that night. No. No. Not at all.

They probably put like fucking jelly beans and fucking Nutella on the pizza. You know what I mean? Like, chill out. I hate a dessert. A dessert pizza pisses me off. I'm being serious about that. Get it out of here. Get it out of here.

What are we doing? I love it. I love it. I do. I'm an agent of chaos also if if i was and i'm i think that i'm right i think but if i was at a cc's and someone took their and did that like drop their pants and pulled them back up i i don't even think for a second that i would leave even i'd be like well i'm still gonna eat no you wouldn't leave no especially a high school kid does it and i bet

you a lot of people would be like i would just get up and walk out i'm like ah no you gotta never left a restaurant in my life obviously i've never i've never been like oh no i never left anything no i've never left i never left a show i don't leave anything i've never left a restaurant like that yeah i went through all the work of coming here i'm not going where am i? What? I don't go fucking back home. I'm here. Buffalo chicken pizza. Kale, time for your fourth pick. Yeah.

Well, it's tricky. This is where I stopped getting, you know, earlier, I couldn't have been more confident calling all my decisions iconic going in. I liked it though. I really liked it. Well, I want to show the guests a little bit of duality, you know? I love it. I love it though I really liked it well I want to show the guests a little bit of duality you know I love it

boy I'm gonna go with pepperoni from the salad bar why am I gonna oh wow why am I gonna do that holy shit that's something David's ass would say I'm shook right now

do you love that shit yeah man that's like david's ass would say i'm shook right now is that david would you did you love that shit yeah man come on that's like extremely my shit come on we're going to a buffet everything about that thought process is my shit you have to have so much of that to make it a food that you would have to take all of it and leave no you don't look at this look at this hear me out here's what you do yeah sean sean sweet sweet sean listen to me brother this is what you do you got a full plate and you have barely any room left you go and you take the little pepperoni tongs um or by the way i'm gonna i'm gonna expand my selection a little bit since we're near the end and say the little ham cubes yeah i love a ham cube you take the little tongs and you sprinkle it in the empty spaces of your plate and there's no other time you would do that you're not gonna just look at pepperoni at home like putting caulk in the

shower like if you're retiling your bathroom you're yeah you're caulking the plate you caulk the plate with pepperoni that's brilliant i love pepperoni caulk and it gets hot from the hot stuff it's touching so it's like it's a little greasy you start yeah it's hot oh man it's a good time david that'm really smart. David, we're going to, I'm going to call you later. We're going to talk about this. That's, that's really, that's, that's just really it. That's really it. See, now that's a move.

That's really it. That's a move. That's really it. That's a move. Now I got to fucking follow up with my goddamn trash. The whole shit's fucked. I like that you're getting him. You got your jaws on his throat.

Oh, man. Let's hear it. Let's hear it let's hear it david fourth and then your final picks i have to pick it just because of the nature i have to pick the soft serve station yeah that's a great pick someone had to do it yeah you just have to thank you it's just you know how's that that's a great pick it's just not i i i think that i kind of went weird today it's fine i don't feel bad about it i'm not a sweets at a buffet guy but if i were to be that would be the one so you know the crazy thing the buffet is probably the place i'm the most sweets anywhere that's why i don't really fuck

with sweets that much but like something about that just like that shitty buffet sweets is like right in my well because you get to make it yourself. Rarely do you get to make soft serve ice cream yourself where you can like, I can put the amount of syrup on this that I see fit. Yeah, no matter how much I yell at Dairy Queen, they will not let me back there. But then I can go, nowadays I can go to one of those,

make your own ice cream. You know what I mean? Where you go, but again, I'm not criticizing. I'm talking about my truth. Oh yeah, i never get ice cream i never get i would never get ice cream yeah unless i'm already in there and it's going down you know what i mean we go out to eat all the time when have we ever gone to eat ice cream we never go to get ice cream ian zach and i would go get treats every now and again but the thing

with those at like um pink dot or whatever they weigh it and that or pinkberry they weigh it and i didn't like that at a buffet they don't weigh it you've already paid so if i put a pound of syrup on there it's not going to cost me eight more bucks there is one dessert i will i do get when i go to a buffet but i'm not going to say it are either of you going to take a buffet for your last pick or a dessert for your last pick i don't think so that fucking big tub of chocolate mousse that big fluffy that was gonna be my six man that was yeah yeah that i do go get i love that i view i view grabbing an ice cream cone on the way out of the buffet as my final fuck you oh yeah you thought you could play me you thought you could shame me you thought you could charge me twenty dollars and i'd only eat you know

twelve dollars worth of food i ate seventy dollars worth of food and on the way out i'm taking a chocolate cone you can suck my ass yep you don't have to move at the fucking soft serve station because when they got those little cones they try to fuck you like that oh yeah you you do one eat it at the station and then another one for the road yeah or if you're if you're if you're gonna if you're like if everyone else is uh still eating and you want the ice cream you see the little cone you you just get a bowl of ice cream, take a couple cones, stick them in there like fucking toppings. Crunch it up. You guys can't stop me.

No. I can't be stopped. I have a very adversarial relationship with buffet proprietors. And then afterwards, we're going to hoop. Yeah, then we're going to ball. We're doing shirts and skins and I'm skins, bitch. I brought my shorts and my backpack. Caleb, i've never said this on this podcast before i feel i did it this is such a hand and glove situation i feel like we're long we've like you're a long lost relative yeah i'm

the fourth host baby let's ride the exact vibe that we espouse through 200 plus episodes of all fantasy everything you have fit into unlike anyone and not to disparage any of our other guests but my god it's the buffets of it all if you guys if you guys had asked me to come in here and you know pick like ballads or something you would have hated my vibe i don't think that's true i don't think that's true at all i don't think so either what would it because what would have you like just off the top of the dome what would be a top pick for you for a ballad i don't even really know what a ballad is that's my thing is i because what you're in you're already in something about it i don't know damn yankees high enough that's

that's a ballad it's the best what what damn yankees high enough what's that one can you take me high enough it's damn yankees man ted nugent fucking i don't know that one sean yes you do you asshole no no no you're thinking of that there is a creed song you know the damn yankees song i don't want to think about it anymore yesterday is just a memory and you close the door i'm sorry i just made one mistake i didn't know what to say when you called me baby don't say good night say you're gonna stay forever whoa whoa all the way do it a shaggy sean do it a shaggy. Sean, do it a shaggy. Do it a shaggy. That might shake it up. You took me home and I'm sick Kermit. I'm getting sick Kermit.

Now I do know that song now. I sincerely don't know that song. Wait, is Back at One by Brian McKnight a ballad? Yes. I'm stuck with that song. We're on our way back from the coast yesterday and Laura, she put on a playlist

since on spotify sensitive men of the 90s and i was like yeah let's listen to it you're a sensitive man of the 90s and she goes she's like brian mcknight back at one and i was like yeah well obviously that shit's hot i mean when i first heard that i was blown away by the lyricism when i first heard that one you like a dream come true he's counting and it's also lyrics i was like this man is i was horny i was very horny oh yeah i like that four is repeat steps one through yeah he's like bring it back bring it back that's a poem is what that song is oh yeah i'm like i'm gonna listen to that when we get off here i'm gonna listen to that and text somebody i shouldn't be texting let's go yeah there we go quarantine you go quarantine you're gonna have a brian mcday yeah i'm gonna have a brian mcday uh david time for your final

pick for the lightning round here we go uh mongolian beef my man love it love it so much corn casserole there we go two casseroles it's the casserole i wanted to do earlier and couldn't i feel like i needed to say it the listeners were waiting uh corn casserole I wanted to do earlier and couldn't. I feel like I needed to say it. The listeners were waiting. Corn casserole. It's sweet. It's savory. It's hot. Let's do it.

Beautiful. It takes a hot sauce well, by the way. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. Yeah. Sean. Jell-O squares. All right.

That's my broke pick. What'd you say? I didn't hear it. Jell-O squares. Oh, yeah. Love a Jell-O square. Love it. I hate it, but that's okay.

You know what i used to love to do with jello squares was fill my mouth with it and then go like swishing between my teeth yeah it became a jello liquid again i don't like jello i don't like it i love it i don't know something about the texture really pisses me off i love it like pick a lane it flies it flies in the face of science i'll agree with you on that. It's like it's something they made during the depression to keep people from throwing themselves off of buildings. It's absolutely that kind of thing.

Now, my last pick, listen, I've painted a pretty clear picture here so far. Omelet station, crab legs, bagels, sausage links. It's a breakfast situation, but you know what? You know what? I'm not a fuck fuck i'm not owned by my i'm not owned by my work oh no he's going rogue i'm not a slave to my oozle love it

fucking egg rolls yeah you can talk yourself into those being breakfast though honestly i'd be like breakfast egg rolls that's of course i have talked myself the first word is egg yeah it's a burrito It's a burrito. It's a breakfast burrito and I'm eating it at breakfast. Egg rolls. That's my final pick. Marissa, do you have a pick? Yeah, I'm picking mussels.

Wow! Damn! You could eat so much and it's hard to fill up on a mussel. It's hard to fill up on mussels. That's a high class pick, Marissa. That is a high class pick. You're really classy. You can have all the ones that I won't eat. Are you, do you want them fried, Marissa? Do you, do you do a fried mussel? No, just regular. It gives me some work to do at the table. It's a fun thing to do while talking to people, just cracking open some

mussels. And yeah, I wouldn't, I don't really make them at home. So it's fun to just have them at a buffet. I have a lot of respect for that. Amen. Thank you. Marissa, you've been getting really into muscles just in general. If all that beat sabering, Marissa. Yo, marissa.com. I have a very funny pun. Oh, I like to bring a plate of muscles to the table and I'll be like, hey, check out my saucy muscles. What do you think?

I would be on the floor at that if you did that. I would out of pure support. I'd be rolling on the floor, getting other tables in on it. I'd be like, tell them, tell them. It'd be awesome. Thank you. I would spit out of pure support, I'd be rolling on the floor, getting other tables in on it. I'd be like, tell them, tell them. It'd be awesome. Thank you. I would spit out my chocolate milk. I feel like everybody at the buffet would eat more.

They'd be like, well, that table's having a blast. We should eat as much as they're eating. Let's stay. Let's stay. Speaking of chocolate milk, to recap, David, you went first. You took chocolate milk, salt and pepper chicken wings, chow mein, the soft serve station and mongolian beef

Caleb you went next you took the ham station shrimp green bee casserole pepperoni from the salad bar and we're throwing in the ham cubes since you already have ham and corn casserole as your final pick Sean Jordan you went third you took mashed potatoes and gravy meatballs orange chicken

buffalo chicken pizza and then jello squares my friend John Jordan, you went third. You took mashed potatoes and gravy, meatballs, orange chicken, buffalo chicken pizza, and then Jell-O squares, my friend. Yes. I went last. I took the omelet station, crab legs, the bagel station with the locks, with the red onion, with the capers, sausage links, and then fucking egg rolls, dog. Damn.

Got them. It's a hot lineup. Damn. You got a shooter on each side that is a day they all fuck every single one of them fucks and we gotta go to the buffet now we have to we need as soon as we can in a that's the i got news for you buddy that's the last thing that's coming back i know it's like five years from now let's all go to a buffet together that's the last thing i guarantee you though here's my big plan for post-covid is as soon as i get a vaccine in my arm and i wait the little two weeks or whatever you will catch me in a red state because

they are fucking doing stuff like normal i'm flying back to missouri i'm going to buffets with my aunt it we're gonna go nuts oh vegas vegas never stopped we can go yeah vegas depot bay's got buffet we saw two open buffets yesterday let Let's go, baby. In Oregon. I'm coming. I'm coming through. I'm going to be traveling. I love a shitty small town buffet, too. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

We left some good shit on the board. The crepe station, of course. Yeah. Now, this pick would have, because it is a buffet unto itself, is a Bloody Mary station. I don't know. I don't know. But it is a pick unto itself. No, that would have been fine.

You could have done that. I have Chinese donuts. those little chinese donuts absolutely i gotta say in terms of high class picks in in a nod to marissa's muscles uh steak no one said steak yeah your custom made steak on my list prime rib steak a prime rib steak yeah yeah that's a meatloaf on there and then cheesy bread those are my two big like i always get the garlic bread i have those little those little square carrot cakes can i say my biggest truth my biggest truth at a buffet if it's if i'm going golden corral which i didn't do on this pic mini corn dog bites smothered in barbecue sauce and ranch there we go yeah dude there we go yeah. Now, those are our picks. We want to hear yours.

Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. That's on the internet there. Shout out to super producer Marissa. We love you so much. Thank you for everything you do. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon.

Thank you for supporting us and letting us do what we do. Holding us down. Holding us down. We love you so much. Shout out to everyone on the AFH Everything Patreon. Thank you for supporting us and letting us do what we do. Holding us down. We love you so much. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Shaslackity. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything subreddit. We fucking love you guys and gals and non-gendered individuals.

Shout out to everyone and every gendered individual. We love you on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Sean. Sean holding his phone Haji Beats. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Sean holding his phone up as to indicate to me he has a couple shout outs to do himself. Hey, buddy. Shout out to, only one this week.

Shout out to Johnny Blase on Twitter. Congrats on the new kidney, homeboy. Made it through. Made it through the transplant. Made it through the other side. Now he's got three functioning kidneys. He's just doing it as a fashion thing. You selfish bastard. He's just fucking stunting on people, dude. He's drinking

gasoline and filtering that out of his blood. Bless you. Shout out to Blessing fucking Caleb, dude. And more important than all of that, Blessing Caleb sounds like a band that would have had a not Christian single as their first one and then it plays on mainstream radio and then you buy the

CD and you're like, oh. Blessing Caleb is the tribute album that the surviving members of Lil' Cuties put out when I pass. Oh, my God. That's the one they put out to say, God, he was taken too soon. Yeah. Blessing Caleb. God, but not forgotten. Shout out to Lil' Cuties, man.

And more important than all that. Shout out to Lil' Cuties. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity. tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy everything shaklakity that was a hate gun podcast