All Fantasy Everything - A Night Out at Fictional Locations (LIVE w/ Sean Jordan and David Gborie)

Episode Date: September 26, 2019

This was recorded live at The Hideout in Chicago.Support the show!SPONSORS:EightSleep [Get $150 off your purchase when you go eightsleep.com/ALLFANTASY.]MyBookie.ag [use promo code ALLFANTASY for a double deposit bonus]Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Coming to you live from the hideout in beautiful Chicago, Illinois. It's presently a cool 71 degrees out. A light breeze coming off the lake. Birds aren't falling out of the sky because it's too hot. And I haven't sweat through several different identical black t-shirts

today. This is knock the fucking cover off of a fire hydrant weather. This is fucked up. This is like a Spike Lee movie could be happening around any corner weather. Are any of you on social media? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, if so, you might know him as Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Kluger Mel Jordan on the gram. Give it up for Sean Jordan! Ooh, baby, I like it raw! My voice is gone. Hold on, everybody. I like it raw. My voice is gone. Hold on, everybody. It's real quick.

I feel like I'm playing like a Nintendo game about racing, you know? What was that? Huh, Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. Huh? Huh? You look good, though. What, huh? Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. Huh? Huh? You look good, though.

What? Huh? Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater. I'm Bonnie Zobat. My dipshit? I don't know. Thank you. This is amazing.

Yeah. So look out and see everybody standing. That's Buck. Thank you, guys. I know. I'll stand up. I'll do a lot of this. A lot of this.

Like a coach, you know? Yeah. Dig Torres. Keep those feet moving. You know what I mean? Stay low? Yeah. Dig Torres. Keep those feet moving. You know what I mean? Stay low, boys. Dig Torres. Low center of gravity, Torres.

We went hiking. Don't let the ref see you, Chop Block. We went hiking with Shane Torres and he was in denim everything because of course. If you can buy that. Yeah, Shane. We went right from the airport

to a big hot hill. And I was behind him yelling, Big Torres! Yeah, stop it. Stop. Man, I'm sweating. He dug. He dug.

Oh, great. He dug. Man, God, I wish David could be here to see this. Yeah, it's a bummer he couldn't make it, man. Oh, God, every show. It's a bummer that David's missed every single show. He's missed every show. You know that shit?

He's a very irresponsible person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, every show. It's a bummer that David's missed every single show. He's missed every show. He's a very irresponsible person. He's in Minneapolis now, but we aren't. Yeah, you know what he do. They're getting a show, I guess. For gosh. Oh, they got our disco ball thing. We won't do a show unless there's a disco ball. You guys know that, but they didn't.

It does look like an opium den. We're just going to pump it in through all the vents. Yeah. We're all going to get loose with this giant glass of apple juice. You know what I mean? Been doing that bit every show. And I've been taking these

from wayward youth to make sure they don't drink it. We're out there cleaning up the streets, doing the Lord's work. God damn it. Don't get the wrong idea. I'll be pouring these down a government sewer later.

Which is what I call my mouth. The government sewer, they say. Sure. Don't you shake your head at me, you beautiful man. Somebody picked him up last night. Yo! Off the ground. I just did a David Yo.

Yo! This fucking big Canadian dude. I mean, this dude was like, oh, yeah, the show was amazing. He was so cool. The guy was from Winnipeg. He was like three inches taller than me, the same size as me,

but granite, dude. And I know that because I slapped him around a couple times because I don't really get to do that a lot because I'm so much bigger than everyone. I think it was Woke Paul Bunyan. It was Woke Paul Bunyan, dude. Friend the blue ox.

You know, on account of babe. No, yeah, no, I get it. Woke Paul Bunyan wouldn't say babe. No, why would he? It's without a heretofore agreed upon understanding. I didn't get most of that. But I'm going to act like I did. Without a heretofore

agreed upon understanding. Stop. Without a heretofore agreed upon, and then the final word, you guessed it, understanding. I'll flip the table over.

Don't you do it. Don't you do it. Doesn't this table look sexy like it's got pantyhose on it? Yeah! When they were stretching, I was like, ooh, that table's getting dressed for the show.

It looks like if Iggy Azalea was a table. And I'm like rubbing, I am like a pervert, like rubbing my legs, I'm rubbing my knee on this right now. I haven't had pants on in like two weeks. I have shorts on, but not, you know. For everybody listening, I'm not naked.

I'm just saying, I haven't worn jeans. This is tight. He's naked. He's naked. Show him your penis, Bubby. No. Not enough room in here. You know what I mean?

Huh? Ah. On account of it's a big penis. I understand. For all the puke that would be everywhere. I understand. I don't know how you guys know him. Some of you maybe is the G is silent on Twitter.

Others, as coolguyjokes87 on Instagram, give it up for David Borey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! I'm not going to. Are you dancing? Hey! Hey! I'm dancing. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. I'm dancing, it's not a we thing at all.

Keep going. Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance. I love it, I love it. You know I got one, Keep doing the dance thing. Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!

I just like the legs. You got good legs. I like your legs. I saw your legs when you got out of the shower the other day. Good legs. Good legs. I don't have to the shower the other day. Good legs. Good legs. Oh, yeah. We've been sharing rooms.

On an answer cellulite, athlete's legs. Athlete. You got fast looking legs. Dancer's legs. Dancer's legs. Yeah, I had dancer's leg in high school. Took a long time to get rid of it. You know what I mean?

The legs? That's why they cooked you off the football team. That and those splits that you make. For anyone who doesn't know, I did the splits of football one time. Genius move. Great idea. Yeah.

You know what a bunch of meathead 17-year-olds would respect? Me touching my dick to the dirt. They're going to love me for this. I'll be their king. I'll be their new king. You're not going to believe this, but the kids on the football team got a real kick out of me doing fat bastard.

They were like, do the fat guy thing! And I was like, you bet. Will you invite me to things? Sure. You know what's the worst? Get in my belly! And they were like, ha ha, you're not invited! Our school did like straight up hazing

because we're trash. So when I was a freshman, they made me and Sam Talent do the truffle shuffle. Oh no! And then when I was a senior, I straight up made kids do it. Like, you think I'm a nice man. I was like, shake it!

Shake that, shake it fatty! You should have. You feel bad about it, I feel bad too. We're both crying. It's a cycle of depression. And that's teamwork. You should have made like the defensive backs do it. They're like, I can. You're like,

go eat a sandwich. I did make a lot of fun about defensive backs. Oh, yeah. You know what DB stands for? Dumb bitch. Oh, no. David, boy. I was 17. I could barely read.

Woke Paul Bunyan does not approve. We were calling that Canadian dude from last night that picked Ian up. You remember that? Oh, that guy was a man. Yeah. Seriously. Do you ever see a man and you're like,

whoa, if they grow him like this. What are we? What am I supposed to do? I felt like, I felt like. I was of mice. I was of mice. I was of mice, he was of men. That night. I was.

I felt like organic. He was killing rabbits, I was. I felt like organic produce seeing regular produce. Yo, you're right. Yeah, it was like you were a regular old chicken and then in walks one of these KFC chickens with the huge tits. And you're like, oh, shit. One of those ones from the Warner Brothers cartoons that sang opera?

That was the kind of chicken he was. Oh, you mean Shane. Shane Tornes. Did you guys know Shane went to college for opera? Well, you can stop at college. But he went to a real college, not like an opera college. Where'd he go, like Texas Tech or something? I'm going to sweat through this whole shirt.

I don't know what I was thinking wearing it. I mean, we're getting fucked, right? It looks great, dude. Thank you. You can't see this probably from the crowd, but it's Terry Clark. No, it's Searsucker. It's Searsucker. Here's the thing.

As this show goes on, it's going to get a little more Miami. And what he means is we're going to be doing cocaine all night. Bienvenido a Chicago. Party in the summer when the heat is on. It's from the Miami song.

Welcome to Miami. Bienvenido a Chicago. Oh, that's not my favorite Will Smith song. What is your favorite Will Smith song other than Summertime? Nightmare on My Street. Oh, that's pretty good. Parents Don't Understand.

What about Boom Shake the Room? No! We've had this conversation. Apparently, that song was huge in the United Kingdom. Boom Shake the Room? Is that the one where he's like, sometimes I get nervous and start to stutter? I don't know.

I'm from Oregon. I don't know. You guys didn't have Will Smith in Oregon? We were talking about one song. No, we had Will Smith. I was saying that that was a big song in the UK, whereas I'm from Oregon. Oh, okay.

I've never been to the UK. They don't let me in. I've been there. I've been there. And there's posts as you everywhere. Something about they don't like big dicks over there. You know what I'm talking about? Are we all going to do big dick jokes?

Because I don't have a big dick. No, that's why the jokes are so funny. It's fine. No, don't do that. I see what he's doing. No, I'm not. He's trying to reverse it. I'm not reversing it.

I've never kissed a girl. I've kissed at least four girls. Oh, you... I said at least. It's true. Don't make me... I will air your shit out for Chicago. I'll air your shit out.

I will air your shit out. You guys want to hear what this fucking dipshit did? The one immediately to my right? He ordered three hot dogs, three Chicago dogs, with nothing on them. They delivered three hot dogs to this venue. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He didn't do it on purpose. I wanted Chicago dogs. I didn't know you had to ask. He's an idiot. And then he said, fuck Scottie Pippen forever. He did, He said it. I didn't say that, but he doesn't tip.

He also had some choice words about Mike Singletary. I didn't do any of it. What happened was I thought it comes Chicago style naturally. I'm not a monster. I wasn't just like, throw three wieners in a bag, I'll figure it out. That's basically the premise of our podcast. That's basically the premise of our podcast. But wait, if you're talking shit about me,

can I tell you what Sean just told me backstage when you were up here? Yes, I would love that. Yeah, take each other down while I thrive. I love it. Yeah, we were back there, and Sean pulls out his phone, and what I learned about Sean is that, do you know how he watches pornography sometimes? What?

He Googles pictures of porn stars. Is that not the weirdest shit you've ever heard? You fucking psychopath. He has a smartphone it has the same video capabilities mine does I don't know if this makes it better but I was in the Uber from the airport

he said he watched it in the Uber in like three like so he's in the back of the Uber being like Gianna Michaels boobies on Google and then looking at it? That shit is so perverse. It's so perverse.

Oh, just do whatever the Google Maps tells you. It's fine. Also, what were you... I want to know what your face was like. I was jacking off in the back of the Uber. What do you want to hear? You weren't. I know I wasn't.

I know you. You were back there. The guy's like, you ever been to Chicago before? And you're like, dang. That's exactly what happened. That's exactly how it happened. I bet you've Googled the word boobs in the last year. Yeah, but I have too.

Let's see what's new in boobs. And that's just a picture of a couple of buffoons messing up a piano delivery. It's just a lot. It's two old tiny boobs. And that's just a picture of a couple of buffoons messing up a piano delivery. It's just a lot. It's two old, tiny boobs. It's just a lot of Three Stooges clips, and he's like, I'll watch this then. Oh, Shep. I can't remember if I told you guys about the boob site. Did I tell you that? No?

No. Clearly. I swear I have, but anyway, so I was like 14 or something. She can't believe it. We just got a computer. It's crazy, right? He's had the internet. He's older than me. He's had the internet forever.

Pictures of boobs. So I come downstairs and I didn't know about deleting browser history or anything and my stepdad is down there with my aunt and they're like, were you on the internet

the other day? They're watching porn. I was like, they go, were you on the internet the other day? I'm like, I mean,

where are we going with this? Like I could tell I was getting set up and they pulled up and they were like, do you ever go to the boobs site? I'm like, I mean, where are we going with this? Like, I could tell I was getting set up. And they pulled up and they were like, do you ever go to the boob site? Yeah, I do. And it was all it was was just pictures of boobs. No, I've been there.

My mom, because I thought I was slick, I thought I could get around it. I used to look up breast augmentation. So you're like going to Dr. Ari Leibovitz's website. You can't get hard unless there's magic marker marks on them. But here's the thing about me. I like the before and the after. It's all gravy to me.

I'm happy the whole time. But yeah, my mom caught me. She caught me. If we're airing it all out, like some of the first stuff I... Ian had sex in New York. Oh, I thought that's... I swear I thought that's what we were doing. I swear I thought that's what we were doing.

The salt you left off your hot dog just arrived, you motherfucker. Come on, man. You know that hurts my feelings. David was honestly getting pissed up there. Because I was so excited. You got to build up the day what happened for me. When we got here, I was like, man, we should get some fucking Chicago dogs. And then we didn't. And I was like, okay, that's fine.

And then we went to eat dinner. And I was like, I guess we're not getting Chicago dogs. And then it was 7 o'clock. And we were like, we got to just get appetizers so we can come home. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. It's 7 o'clock. Let's end like that.

I'm in my drop top cruising the streets. I got a real pretty. Seven o'clock on the dock. I'm in my drop top cruising the streets. I got a real pretty pretty. Three hot dogs that don't have any topping. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. I open the bag. It's still.

Anticipating. Don't do that to me. No mustard. Don't keep me waiting. Yeah. Okay. You are hilarious. Hot dogs are dry.

And I'm going to cry for 15 minutes because I'm a little. And I'm not going to say bitch because I don't believe in it. No, listen, we didn't get dinner at dinner, and I just had a little bit of calamari. We had pho-themed potstickers. Yeah, but we had one, and I was like, oh, man, now I'm hungry. That Chicago dog is going to go down so good. And I was like, I'm going to order it to the venue. David, you're a genius. I'm'm going to order it to the venue.

David, you're a genius. I'm going to Postmates it to the venue. And I was upstairs and I was like, this shit is going to be so fucking fire. He brought the bag up and it looked like there was a couple of Matchbox cars in there. It was tiny. And right away I'm like, that ain't it. Just by eyeballing it,

I knew those were fucking naked hot dogs. Oh yeah. Those were like those books you got as a kid where it was like, you color it in and make the story. Or like zoo books where they're like, you're going to learn about animals, and then it's just like, penguins eat fish. I love you.

I would kill or die for you. But if you drag zoo books through the mud... No, controversial topic? Nope. I think zoo books were trash. We're not fucking doing this right now Zoo books were trash We're not doing this right now

Zoo books were trash Highlights, Disney adventures, Sports Illustrated for kids Those are the only children's magazines I'm sorry, I'm sorry Did you just put fucking goofus and gallon ass highlights up against zoo books? Yeah, 100%. I know what puffins eat. I learned how to do puzzles.

I know what puffins eat because of zoo books. What does a puffin eat? Fish, small fish. What type? Huh? Yeah. Herring, other fish that live in the cold Arctic seas. You went to college for fish stuff, though.

I don't trust this. I do have a degree in fish stuff. He knows a lot about fish shit. He's like... You mitered in toppings and dropped out from what I heard. God, we're going down to the Florida Keys now on this one. It is

wet up here. Does anyone have a bottle opener? Or a lighter. Oh, I can do it with another bottle. I can also do it with my teeth, but I cracked my shit open, so I'll do it with my teeth. Man, I hate it when people do that. Like trying to be the big dog of the party. It's not cool.

When somebody snaps off a chunk of their tooth because they tried to open a fucking bottle. I snapped off a chunk of my tooth eating candy, not opening bottles. You know that. This is what I call candy. This is my candy. Right here. That's why I have so much apple juice. I love it. This is what I call candy. This is my candy. Right here. That's why I have so much apple juice. I love it. I'm a healthy little boy.

This is dad candy. Look at my beautiful sons. You're going to share those, right? No. What? You open all three of yours at the same time? You're just going to let them go flat? That doesn't even make sense, Ian. You can't have one, sir He can have one

Yeah, I mean, he seems like a nice guy Yeah, he can have one Am I the only one? Oh, fuck you You two can't have one David That was pretty hard Nobody puts baby in a corner.

That was pretty hard. I was handing you this one when you did it. Sometimes I act irrationally quickly. It's that kind of podcast. It is. At the end of the day. That's just how you talk to the cops at the end of the night. Sometimes I do shit I'm not supposed to.

That's how we're going to talk to the cops at the end of the night. We were in Minneapolis, I think we were driving to the hotel, and I was just pointing at a spot, I was like, oh, 15 of us got arrested right there one time. It was for skateboarding, but still. 15 people got arrested. What a great story.

Stop. And then we all ordered toppings for our hot dogs, so it was a great story stop and then we all ordered toppings for our hot dogs so it was a great night you know what I mean I enjoyed this story the better story was that I was dancing

all by myself last night like a careless whisper David's in the corner dude I was like it was I don't know this song I don't get it I'm in the aisle

but I'm not the one you're taking home. I don't know. Dave is dancing by himself. Robin? Robin? No, I like Robin. I don't know it either.

I'm in the corner. The story I was going to tell was I was dancing by myself beautifully, and I accidentally bumped kind of into this lady not even really and she was super shitty about it and she was like um we're just trying to have a girl's night here so maybe don't do that over here and i was like i was the coolest i ever felt this whole time i was like ain't nobody trying to dance with you and then and then i kept going by myself and at the end of the night when the lights came on, she came back up to me, and she was like,

I'm so sorry, you're beautiful, and I was like, yeah, and then me and Sean kick-flipped out of there. Thick-flipped, didn't we? We thick-flipped out of there. We cakey-thick-flipped it out of there. She was like, wait a minute, I think that's the voice of Comedy Central.

No one has ever said that. That's never going to happen. I think I just tried to dog out the voice of Comedy Central. And he's like, I'm not trying to dance, I'm just grooving. You see how spinny I am? I'm not trying to get... It wasn't dancing that courted anyone else. I wasn't moving like I wanted other people in it.

We were at the bar. I was only at the bar for two minutes. You didn't like it. I scoped the scene and I'm like, I'm going to go sleep in my windowless room. Within two minutes, you're already fucking tearing the dance floor. Bro, I go by myself. I go so hard.

I like, I'm my favorite dance partner. Me too, man. And it took me years to understand that. Because like, with women, it's like, there's such like, I gotta And it took me years to understand that. Because like with women, it's like there's such like, I got to move it. My hips to your hips rate? No, I want to pick the hip rate. I want to shake it how I want to shake it. And I watch you too.

Fair. Yeah. I don't know why I screamed. No arguments up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like very aggressive for what I was talking about. No, we can talk about the draft. The podcast.

Yeah. We are here for a reason. Yeah, it's been a wild day. It hasn't? No. I think I'm just mad about the hot dog thing I'm projecting.

Other than that, it's been a fairly pedestrian day. Yeah, no, we've had like a good little time. We had a lovely flight, you know? Yeah, we sat next to each other. Sean didn't fly with us because he's a fucking idiot. No, it's my fault. Hold on, hold on, hold on. It's my fault.

I go, David, what airport are you going to land at? He goes, O'Hara, for sure. Midway, playboy, Midway. So I was in the Uber for an hour and a half unnecessarily. Yeah. I got on that same plane. I'm so fucked up because I do remember that conversation. It was for sure your fault.

I did say Midway. Or I said O'Hare, for sure. Like, I hit it hard. Like, O'Hare, for sure. Oh, yeah. The Midway tickets were cheaper. I'm like, oh, it'd be dope if we were going to Midway. But we're not.

My fucking man's going to O'Hare. So I'm going to O'Hare. And then I get there like a jamoke. Chicago word. And then the traffic from Midway was like way better, too. So it's like, we got to the hotel at the same time. He left an hour before us. I really didn't notice

the traffic because I was too busy looking up porn star images. And having a conversation, faking like I was listening to music, by the way. You were just like, professional vagina. Go. I had my headphones in, but I was really listening to the radio that he was playing. It was pretty dope. I was like,

yeah, this is tight. We are gathered here today. In the hideout. Oh, what? What? Oh, what? Oh, okay. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knows what that could be? That could be anything.

I was blowing shot down there. It's a tobacco. It's a tobacco product. Brazen. Let's make sure we do the show. I didn't do anything, so I don't know what you... Yeah, you got that I didn't do anything voice pretty strong. It's just that my voice is what I'm excited.

You know that about me. What do you mean, officer? Call upon your training if that happens again. Yeah. I don't know if you just saw how I ninja'd that. I just did call upon my training that's what my training is hiding

smoking weed I've done it from my mom I've done it from my landlord moms are like the original landlords that's really nice I appreciate that Yeah, they are. That's really nice. I appreciate that.

Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. Anyways. We are gathered here today in the beautiful Hideout Theater in Chicago, Illinois. There it is. Not only to do drugs

and in doing so... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, friend. Risk the whole integrity of the show. Don't! Oh! Oh, you've never done drugs before this show? I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Wait, hold on. Do you think it was that you smoked weed that bothered me? No, I thought that was a joke.

Nothing really bothered me. I'm just fucking with you just fine i know i thought we were having we're gonna should we have a fight you want to have a fight on stage i the last thing i want to do you buy a lot of the 3xl shirts that i want but you get them first you look good in them too because you're handsome you prick i'll give you the website so i'm always trying to share big guy cool stuff with you. It's true. Big guy cool stuff. This isn't for you, Sean! One of my happiest days was because I'm a little older than you, so I got on a little sooner.

Yeah. And because you're very talented. Thank you very much. You've been rich for a while. I started fucking going through my fat guy closet and I was like, you should take this, and you should take this, which is not a thing that ever happens with fat guys. It doesn't ever happen.

You will sleep at your friend's house, and he's like, I got some shorts, and you're like, oh, so I can be wearing fucking bike shorts when you go to Taco Bell? Great. My fucking dick's popping out. You know what I mean? Like, people who are normal size

can hand each other shirts all the time, but it never happens with fat guys. I never share clothes with my friends. It was just like, take this fat guy's shirt, take this fat guy's shirt, throw these fucking shoes on. I wore, I didn't even tell you, I wore that jacket when I was out with the lady, the black and white one. Oh, yeah. And she was like, you look cool. And I was like, I always look cool.

I didn't give it up to you, but it was also in my head. I was like, Ian, fuck it. All I need is the thought. I don't need the fucking. No, no, no. You just tell her like, yeah. Yeah, I wasn't going to say, it's Ian's jacket. It's my rich friend's jacket.

Are we still going to kiss? You want to kiss me in my rich friend's jacket? I would kiss you in that rich friend's jacket. Yeah, but I don't want to kiss you. Yeah, you do. We've kissed like five times on this tour so far. Everybody's kissed this tour. We've been kissing on stage.

Ian went in open mouth, which I wasn't ready for. He was crazy. He came in like a... It was crazy. Like that, it was tight. You went in open mouth. I've had a very sexually liberated tour. Yeah, you...

Yes, you have. Sean has not because he's bethroned. I have not because I'm a loser. He's promised. Did you say I was bethroned? You did. Yeah. You are bethroned, dude. I did say it like that. You're like in Aikido. After somebody throws you,

you're bethroned. Yeah. I don't like the dichotomy of that prison cell either. So you know what I mean? Deep cut. The stars. you're bethroned. Yeah. I don't like the dichotomy of that prison cell either. So you know what I mean? Look at this. Deep cut. Spicy Jack here. The stars. Oh no wait no those are lights. Sorry. I'm sorry. Got confused for a second.

We are gathered here in the hideout in Chicago, Illinois. Not only not only to talk about who's kissed who. No. That would only be talking about you. Me and Sean have only kissed each other. You've been kissing everybody.

Not everybody. I don't mean that. I just mean your boy, he's doing alright. We all kissed each other in New York, so he kissed both of us. That's not the way that he kissed the other person. I ate you guys out. What are you talking about? I felt clean.

I felt clean. It was good. I felt empty. I felt clean. It was good. I felt empty as usual. Oh, that's so funny. I got lightheaded laughing at your eat out. Oh my gosh. Me too. I feel like I'm bleeding somewhere now.

Not only to talk about who he kissed, but also to draft a night out at exclusively fictional locations. It's going to get spicy. It is a, you know, it's not a A to B sort of draft. It's not an easy one. No, no, no, no. It's not like we're drafting, you know, smells or whatever. It takes a little more thought than that.

It takes a little more, coffee is good for, you know. I believe that was the draft where you took weed. You know what other smells I like? It smells great. But dusty. Which is what Ian's hotel room

is smelled like. To be fair, it's what it's going to smelled like. To be fair, it's what it's going to smell like tonight with just three of us in there, too. Oh, yeah, man. Well, no ussy. It's just going to smell like

but uh... Our room is weird. It smells like... Our room... It smells like but uh in here. We got a room at the Hotel Lincoln and it has two bathrooms

and one bed? Who is that for? Honey, go to your bathroom and take a shit and then I'll meet you in bed. And we'll never talk about it. Both the bathrooms are real small. It's a weird room.

Yeah, that's the other thing. It's two super small bathrooms. It's a weird room. I could... Man, it's not... room. Yeah, that's the other thing. It's two super small bathrooms. It's a weird room. I could, man, it's not, it wasn't fit for a gentleman of leisure. I could barely shower in there. Gentleman of leisure. That's what I call fat guys now.

My man knows what I'm talking about. You guys are gonna re... Is that a Doomerville jersey? Yeah, you're a cool guy. Every single person in here is cool, by the way. It really says pot roast. Every single

person in this room is fucking cool as shit. And so is the hideout for having us. This is so sick. Except for one of you. And we find out who. There he is. That guy's cool. I got a tight cross right now. Tight cross. I don't love it. There he is. That guy's cool. That guy's cool as fuck. I got a tight cross right now.

Tight cross. I don't love it. Snoopy little devil that loves to kiss. I'll tell you that. I put that on my Tinder profile and I was like, I don't fuck with Tinder. But it's on there. I'm a snoopy little devil who loves to kiss. Ba-ba-ba-boom.

Boop. Scooby-dee-boop. That's my ringback. What's up on Twitter? No, I'm just joking. I'm not doing that. I was looking at my list. So basically, shout out to Zach Disconi. What the podcast is? Whoa! Did you get imported? Did Zach

give you... What? Oh, I thought you were looking at your list. No, I said basically shout out to Zach Disconny because he drafted that in the words that make you sound smart draft. Famously. Oh. On episode I thought you were juicing. I thought you were juicing. Oh, I'm juicing. Are you serious?

I'm juicing, dude. I took a bunch of steroids earlier. Oh. I don't care about that. I watched him. You'll see. I'm going to rip that piano in half. So, we're going to draft a night out at locations that are only fictional. They're not real.

Plucked from film, television, whatever else there are. Pop culture. Pop culture. Yeah, yeah. And the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Let's play between the two of you.

I'm shooting up. And we throw on shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, David wins! Fuck him. David. Go ahead. David, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors.

The left arm, they call the gun. Right. It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Now, before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what does that mean? That's a great question. Let's say that you're a stone-cold dipshit

and you order three hot dogs, right? And then you lay out... You take the three hot dogs out of the bag. You lay them all out. And you look at the first one, and you're like, fuck, there's no toppings on that. Surely there's toppings on the other two. I can't be that dumb.

And then you look at the middle one. Not a topping to be found. You put all your chips on that last hot dog, and you look at it, and you're like, fuck, really, no toppings? Maybe there's toppings on the first hot dog and you look at it and you're like, fuck, really, no toppings? Maybe there's toppings on the first hot dog, but before looking back, you're like, there's no way that I skipped all that selection

on Postmates. So you give that third dog a good once over and you're like, not a topping. I certainly don't see one. Then you go back to the middle dog and you're like, man, still nothing on there. The pickle fairy didn't come and put a pickle spear on there.

The pickle fairy? And then you go to the first dog and you're like, man, still nothing on there. The pickle fairy didn't come and put a pickle spear on there. The pickle fairy? And then you go to the first dog and you're like, man. You look at the first dog again and there's still no toppings. And then you complain to the two other dudes in the green room. You're like, man, I'm telling you. And then one of the people in the green room, Ian, pulls up his phone

and he kind of looks at how you were to order it and Ian's like, no, you screwed up. They didn't. Because up until this point, you said it was their fault. Yeah, that last... You didn't really have to tell him that. That last one.

And then you look at that first dog again. You're like, maybe I'm crazy. Maybe it was all the drugs I've been doing. I don't do that. I haven't been doing drugs. Is this my show or your show? This is the part that I get right now. It's our show.

No, I know. The draft part. Or the serpentine part. Anyway, you just go back and forth. That's about it. Basically, what it means is you pick third in the first round. You pick first in the second round. Look at that.

You think that guy's ordering hot dogs on Postmates right now? He's got his phone. Make sure that you add tomatoes. We earnestly don't care. We don't care if you have your phone out. I just wanted to... Really? Oh, that's so funny.

Boy, you blew the best surprise of the whole tour. I killed the sheep instead of sharing it and I feel like a fool. Hold on. You sound like you're extremely from Chicago and I'm thrilled about that.

That was tight. We heard a dude from Boston say wicked David Borey right next to you. Mazel Tov. I like that button up, dude. I bathed you in your favorite liquid. Man, it is getting Miami in here. What did I tell you? It's a party in the summer and the heat is on.

Alright, boys. It's time to buckle on up and get to the meat of the show. Sure, sure, sure. The taco meat of the show. The taco meat. If you would judge my hot dog preferences, I only like meat of the show. What?

You should go shirtless under that and I'll just keep hitting it Cuba style. under that and I'll just keep hitting the Cuba style. It's just a wall. God, I wish that's what you were wearing. Just a big, big... It looks like you're making out. It looks really funny.

Also, large stain on there. You think it's jizz, Sean? Looks like a sexy ghost. It does. It looks like two ghosts are going to make a baby ghost. Like a ghost walk in and just go, Boo. Boo!

Boo! Now you're Oh, I can't do it yet. I was about to do a bit and he's not holding the microphone. Taco meat, out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I got a little brown sugar on the oatmeal. A little brown sugar

on the oatmeal, is that what you said? Yep. Playboy, I love it. I might just have to take my shirt completely off, huh? Is that what's going to need to happen?. I love it. I might just have to take my shirt completely off, huh? Is that what's going to need to happen? Not yet. Not yet. I'm going to take my pants off. You're going to play this Vandross. That has

to be very comfortable. I'm going to take my pants off. You're going to play this Vandross. Man, I do that even though I'm as fat as I've been in a while. Usually the pythons are biting, but right now it's monsoon season. Thank you. You know who else thought you looked handsome? God damn it.

That woman from New York. I think it's tight that you get late all the time. And sorry that I tell everybody, but I think it's pretty cool. I'm proud of you. You're doing really well. You're a head writer and you're out here fucking. That rules, dude. I don't know, man. Anyways. And Boston and Philadelphia.

Okay, yeah, I wasn't going to say anything. What bothers me is that you've left that part out of it. Yeah, okay. You make it sound like it can only fucking work. Three times on this tour. All you have to do is listen to me. It's stressing me out. Yeah, okay.

If you listen to me talk, you know I can have sex in New York. Yo, that's like one of the coolest things I've ever heard a dude say. Anytime I'm in New York, they're like, yeah, you. Those words and that combination have never crossed my mind. Because I've only been in New York. The point is, I want to go first. The point is, I've been nominated for two Emmys recently.

Yeah. And I hate that I have to bring it up every episode. Real friends, real friends would be like, Ian, were you... Dude, I'm not going to bring up that you get laid and you got Emmys, dog. Were you that?

That's a lot. Well, Sean, Sean can do the Emmys thing. That's a lot. Sean can do the Emmys thing. That's a lot for me. I'm laying in the cut, and I'm going to cry later, so that's my thing. You know what I mean?

I had to call David out for being a dipshit, and I'm going to cry. Just this whole thing, I've never had sex because I'm not married, So just to be clear. Maybe in Chicago. Just to be clear about that. Just to be clear about that. The point is, I'm going to go.

David, we're all in the same room. David, you're going to go first. I'm going to go first. Uh-huh. Sean's going to go second. Sean Jordan. I'm going to give you the hot corner. Hot corner.

I'll take it. Hot corner. I'll take it. Fucking hot corner. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Please do that one more time. One, two, three. Hot corner. Yeah. take it. Fucking Hot Corner. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Please do that one more time. One, two, three. Hot Corner.

Yeah! Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Say it into the mic so Marissa can hear you. Hot Corner. Yeah! Yeah. I want the Hot Corner.

You do a better Ian than both of us. What are you talking about? Wait, what is your Ian? Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way. From your first cigarette till your last day and day. David.

That's alright. We do two days for god damn reason. I have a bruise on my arm from D.C. that's just now fading. Oh, man, yeah, because we were going nuts in D.C. Yo, I frisbee'd a pizza box in the street. We don't need to get into it, but we were asked to leave the bar by about... We were for sure rapping in the street.

It was a good time. Yeah, me too. Well, wait, wait, wait, wait. Before you get to your pick, we need to take a short commercial break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age. Of course you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there.

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Again, get up to 60% off at Babbel.com slash AllFantasy. It's spelled B-A-B-B-e-l.com slash all fantasy rules and restrictions may apply then we're back all right david with the first pick in the night out use the exclusively fictional locations all fantasy everything draft you are now on the clock with the first pick yeah handsome devil so i like my night to start mad dicey when i'm sober yeah and then it needs to get safer as it goes on because i'm getting drunker you know i'm saying so i could be in i'm gonna lose i can be in these two or just wild in general i could be in a really wild place in the beginning but by the end I need to be somewhere relatively chill because I'm wildin'.

So I started with the wildest fictional bar I could think of. Don't do it to me. And that is the Three Broomsticks from Harry Potter. Man.

I'm gonna have butter beer. I'm gonna to have butter beer. I'm going to have butter whiskey. Yeah, that sounds wild. They can do magic. There's elves in there. Are there elves in any of your picks? Are there any magical creatures in your picks? Drinks you can get at Universal Studios.

Wow. You know that's not real butter beer. You know that's not real butterbeer. You know that's not real butterbeer. We've talked about this. Oh my goodness. We've talked about this. Oh, and with my local residence card, it's $1 cheaper.

Oh, thank you. Don't do that. Don't do that to me. Wait, are you Jewish? 100%. Bar Mitzvahed and everything. Yeah, give David a little shit for his picks. I am.

I love it. Doing it right now. I don't know if you heard the crowd. The three broomsticks. I don't know if you heard the crowd. I like to start dancing. I don't know if you heard the crowd. What's going to happen?

A painting's going to watch you? What are you worried about? You know what's going to happen? Avada Kedavra! That's what's going to happen. You're dead, friend. I just killed you. I just killed you. That's the dead spell?

I killed you. I killed you fucking dead. It is so hot up here. You should take your shirt off. Yeah, I'm gonna have to. I feel great. Because we are down at the Florida Keys. Rashid in the Florida Keys.

You're getting to that long bridge. I feel like Captain Wrong. There's a place called Kokomo. Did you know Kokomo's not real? Yeah. But I thought that all the places in that song was fake. You're like, Jamaica, yeah, right. Bullshit.

Fucking Beach Boys propaganda. Aruba, suck my dick. Hurricane Susan is wre Boys propaganda. Aruba? Suck my dick. Hurricane Susan is wreaking havoc on Aruba. Okay. Oh, we should send the money. No, but really, hurricanes are a big issue. That's a bummer.

So the three broomsticks, huh? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I stand behind it. Man, all three of them. Listen, just because you don't like literature... No, that's me. I don't read.

Just because you don't like to read the great American... You're thinking of Sean. You're thinking of Sean. Yeah, I'm not a reader. Conscious choice. I don't do management. Don't do TV for damn sure.

I'm reading... You don't do TV. It's a personal choice. I'm reading right reader. Conscious choice. I don't do management. Don't do TV for damn sure. I'm reading. You don't do TV. It's a personal choice. I'm reading right now, dude. Oh, Henry James, you've done it again. Oh, yeah, that writer, Henry James. I love that dude, man. I love the Hardy Boys.

That's what he wrote. Maybe. I don't know. They can probably go. Oh, no, The Babysitter's Club he wrote. Maybe. I don't know. They could probably have ghostwriters. Oh, no. The Babysitter's Club. Yep.

The Boxcar Children. Cam Anderson, bro. I was a bigger fan of the Boxcutter Children. Oh. Who did this? Stuart Little. Who was Stuart Little?

That was... Sean, this isn't your conversation. Keep your hand where it's at. I like it. I can put my hand on your thigh. Right on hand where it's at. I like it. I can put my hand on your thigh.

Right on my dillsnick. It wasn't on your... Don't say that. I didn't say dick. I said dillsnick. I tried to code it a little bit. D-I-L-S-N-I-C-K. Yeah. Sean.

It's time for your first pick, buddy. So I like to start with dinner. And I like kind of trashy food. So for my dinner... He ate... We went to like different restaurants on the trip. And Sean's like the meal he enjoyed most, I think, has been a gas station sandwich. Oh, man.

With the salami. Stanky. It made the minivan smell weird. And me, David, Sean, and Shane were already in that minivan. Yeah, Shane was in that minivan. I'll tell you. Boy, Shane sucks. He's amazing.

Catch him in like four days. He's going to be headlining downtown. Yeah, he's going to be at Zanies. You guys should go see him. I wouldn't go. Buy his album though. He's a killer. I wouldn't do that either.

In fact, if I were to buy an album, the album I would buy is The Buck Starts Here. Ah, look at you. Available now. that if i were in fact if i were to buy an album the album i would buy is the buck starts here available now and if you buy it you can get a fucking flask that says the buck starts here on it who doesn't need a flat also y'all in fact everyone here needs a fucking flask i can tell you oh yeah this is a flat i can tell you two things everyone here has a flask already yep and they need another one that's it i'll tell you a third thing and aask. I can tell you two things. Everyone here has a flask already. Yep. And they need another one. That's it.

I'll tell you a third thing. And a butterfly knife. I can tell. I'm reading the room. I get it. Ooh. A little quiet. All right.

I used to be so good at it. Yeah. Sean? I was nice with a butter knife. Time for your first pick. A butter knife. Did you just say I was nice with a... I said I was nice with a butter knife.

I also am nice with a butter knife. I am too. Jam, jelly. I don't give a fuck. I'm actually pretty nice on not even eating a butter knife. I am too. Jam, jelly, I don't give a fuck. I'm actually pretty nice on not even eating a butter knife and getting the jelly out of that weird plastic container. Sometimes I use cream cheese. I do kind of like a poke and wipe.

And then I roll the pancake up, and I put it back, because it's for the table. You make a crepe out of of it and you're like, but seriously, if you guys want to nibble on this. Are you saying that he makes a crepe out of a pancake? Is that what you just said? Kind of, in so many words.

That's like making a good situation out of a bad situation. Say what you will about Ian, but he'll make a crepe out of a pancake. Uh-huh. So for my first pick, I'm going to dinner. I'm going to be sucking on chili dogs

outside the Tasty Freeze. Oh! Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Classic. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Tasty Freeze is real. Wait. Tasty Freeze is real. Wait. Tasty Freeze is real, dog.

Seriously? Google Tasty Freeze. There's a bunch of them. Yeah, man. It's a chain, dude. Really? I have been around this entire country. I've never seen a Tasty Freeze.

No, you haven't. I have been around this entire country. I've never seen a Tasty Freeze. No, you haven't. You would have happened upon a Tasty Freeze. They're real. You guys couldn't have just let me have it? No. There's nothing fun about that.

We're skipping dinner on this day. Wow. They even have a website, dog. They have a website and a collaboration with Nutter Butter. They're real. Yeah, but I mean, I have those two. I had one pick for dinner. That was it.

Actually, you have zero picks for dinner. Where are they? Alaska, Arizona, California. Where do we live? We have a home. You've seen a Tasty Freeze. I've seen a Tasty Freeze. Yeah, I've seen a Tasty Freeze. That's why I wouldn't. Flo Rida, Illinois, Maryland. where we live. We have a home. You've seen a Tasty Freeze? I've seen a Tasty Freeze. Yeah, I've seen a Tasty Freeze.

That's why I wouldn't. Flo Rida, Illinois, Maryland. Oh, Illinois. We're in Illinois right now, Broski. And it's spelled weird. I think it's spelled T-A-S-T-E-E-F-R-E-E-Z. Yeah, Minnesota, North Carolina. Ooh, there's one in North Dakota.

Maybe that's the issue. Yeah, but that's where you're from. Keep making fun of me. I'm trying to think of another dinner. Vermont? Obviously. You can't see a lot when I'm skiing. And Virginia, bro.

Damn. Yeah, they're very real. Suck it on chili, dog. Tasty-freeze.com. Actually, they got these mac and cheese bites. What am I doing? David would probably order one without the mac or the cheese, though. He'd probably just order bites.

He's lashing out! I just want order bites. He's lashing out! I just want a bite. He's lashing out! Dark Sean just got... Dark Sean. I'm going to the Tasty Freeze. I'm not wearing Tasty Freeze. Fine, the night just took a drastic turn.

We're getting buck all over the place. We're going to the Double Deuce from Roadhouse. That's where I'm going. Wait, where? My night just got weird. Where'd you start? I'm going to Double Deuce. Damn. I'm going. Wait, where? My night just got weird. Where'd you start? I'm going to Double Deuce. Damn.

I'm going to go talk to Dalton. I'm going to be like, Dalton, listen. I'm the door. I'm going to pie face that motherfucker. Be like, dog, I'm the door guy

for a couple hours. You're not pie facing Dalton. I am too. It's my draft and I'm doing what I feel like doing. Nobody pie faces Dalton. If he just found

that Tasty Freeze was real, I believe it. He's coming in hot, bro. If he, I'm not, I don't have your back if you're pie facing Dalton. I wouldn't. He's coming in hot, bro. I don't have your back if you're pie-facing Dalton. Of course I wouldn't do that. The smoothest motherfucker that's ever been in a movie. I got your back. I'll get my ass whooped with you.

I don't care. And we would, because Dalton, you know who wins a fight? Nobody. Dalton said that. Nobody ever wins a fight. Yeah, and then he won like seven fights. Like right after that scene. He won every fight in that movie. The whole thing is, when you beat someone's ass,

you don't really win. Everybody loses. And also, pain don't hurt. Dalton fucking ruled, I'll tell you that. Yeah, Dalton did rule. I'm going to the Double Deuce to start my night.

And it might be crazy. I feel like we got a wild night coming up. Yeah, you're about to drink your dinner. I didn't get to eat, by the way. In my situation, I didn't get to eat

because these motherfuckers... You can still suck on some chili dogs outside the Double Deuce. It's just a very different type of chili dog. They're Hell's Angels. You can suck on chili dogs anyway. Also, why are they sucking on them? That's a weird move. It is.

Well, did he say sucking down or sucking on? I think he says sucking on chili dogs. Right? That sounds gross. Yeah, did he say sucking down or sucking on? I think he says sucking on chili dogs. Right? That sounds gross. Yeah, yeah. That's like... You can't slurp a dog. You can. Yeah, you can slurp a dog.

And then you throw it away. Oh, is he sucking all the chili out? Is that it? Like, he's like... He probably says sucking down. No, I'm pretty sure it's sucking on. Well, he's here, he probably says sucking down. No, I'm pretty sure it's sucking on, dude. Well, he's here.

Give it up for John Cougar Bellicat. A lot of those. A lot of those. A lot of those. I've seen a lot of those. We met his kid. I'll tell you this. We met his kid. His kid is a shit bag.

Yeah, that guy sucks. Seriously. Malloy had to take his kid. Wait, wait, wait. She's agreeing so vociferously that I feel like you've all... You've met him as well. Oh, you've run afoul of them. Wow. Malloy had to like,

you know, Mike's a goon, we'll all say it, and Malloy had to fucking goon up on Mellencamp's kid. Malloy comes up to me and he goes, so he brings some dude up to me and he's like, hey, tell this person what your Instagram handle is And I go Sean Cougarmelon Jordan And he's like I get it It was Cougarmelon's kid

So he was bummed but anyway He's a dick Anyway I can't believe you could only think of one fictional food establishment I have like 60 I could have thought of more But I was on the spot And I buckled

You know You weren't on the spot We figured this out Like five hours ago Well no but I I knew that you weren't Going to pick that I was very satisfied

It's going down I did not know They were real That sucks It's time for Ian Carmel's pick That sucks more than me On Chili Dog And I've been Ian Carmel

This whole time With my first pick I too like to start at dinner. Damn it. And no dinner has ever felt more alluring to me than a long wooden table that initially has nothing on it. Oh, shit, you motherfucker.

Until you fucking believe. And then, fantastic treats from every corner of your imagination. I'm taking the Lost Boys Dinner Table from Hook.

Bangarang. You're doing it, Peter. Rufio. Rufio. Rufio. Rufio. Rufio. Rufio! Rufio! Rufio! Rufio! Rufio!

Oh! It looks so good! I wanted everything on that table. Yeah, they had so many. I'm like, why is that neon green? What does it taste like? I want it. They had new meats.

They had other shit, dude. They were eating sea turtle. They're eating armadillo ass and shit, but it's good. They got lime green mashed potatoes and shit. You know what I mean? And they had a food fight? Yeah. He said, oh, Rufio, and he fucking flipped him. Oh, Rufio. Yeah.

Food fight, dude. You're eating clouds. Weird shit, dog. You ever been in a food fight? Like a real ass food fight? Oh, the Carmels had like real food fights. We would, on our back deck. Sue Carmel would be like, food fight! And then she'd throw a pork chop at me. That has a bone in it.

She raised a tough cookie. She knows what she's getting into. Why's that got a file in it? Food fight! She just slaps you with some beef. Food fight, swordfish! She stabs you with a narwhal. We did eat a lot a narwhal? We did eat a lot of narwhal.

Oh, man. We were open to Oregon. Did you ever have a food fight, Sean? So we used to do this shit where we'd arm wrestle. So we'd arm wrestle and there'd be mashed potatoes on either side. So whoever won got to slam the other person's hand in mashed potatoes and that happened to John Swanson once. Caused a cafeteria-wide food fight.

Somebody threw a fucking apple at a teacher so hard that it gave him like a black eye of sorts. I don't know if that's a cute young time story like you think it is. David, you know what it kind of sounds like? Sounds like he grew up in a white ghetto. Guys are out here giving teachers black eyes.

Not really. Apple-based concussions. You hear what you said? My friend John assaulted a teacher. My friend John did a lot more shit than that. I'll tell you what. I believe it because you're from a white ghetto. It's a white ghetto.

I think it's cool. I'm from, yeah. In the ghetto, the white ghetto. He threw an apple at a teacher? What's he doing today? I don't know what he's doing. I'll tell you what. Whenever I see him, he's cool.

But he ain't cool to everybody. That's not an answer to an Apple. No, he rips, man. No, I heard. Oh, no way. No way. Oh, Don. I hope to God that has nothing on it.

No way. They were confused why you wanted them plain, but whatever. You just said, well, Oh my God, this rules. A hot dog just got dropped off on stage and he said they were confused as to why you wanted them plain, but whatever. What's your name, sir?

Bill. Bill Chantabelle, man. Give it up for Bill. Also, Bill, if this is plain, you are the funniest dude in the world. And if it has toppings, you're the kindest dude in the world. So you really can't lose, Bill.

I couldn't give him a clean one. Oh, my God. Oh! It's gone. Get the fuck out of here. I want to spit on it so bad. No, no, no. Grab my sweat towel. You're ruining all my shit. Get it, Sean. Grab it no. Grab my sweat towel. You're ruining all my shit.

Get it, Sean. Grab it, Sean. Grab it. I can't. You're ruining all my shit. If it was later. You're ruining all my shit. I was trying to do a distraction thing so Sean could grab the hot dog and then we could eat it.

If it was later in the night. Now I also don't have any booze. Oh, Lady and the Tramp style. There you go. There's a quarter of a beer. Yeah, yeah. You're fine. That's not a quarter, first of all.

You know that. There's an eighth of a beer. Just get out of here. Continue to drive. Is it Phil or Bill? Thank you. Phil with a P. You know that. That's an eighth of a beer. Just get out of here. Continue to drive. Is it Phil or Bill? Thank you. Phil with a P like Paul, yeah? David, you have a full beer in front of you.

And a second beer. Yeah, but that was my booze drink. We'll get you another one, Bobby. What about your whiskey? That was your whiskey drink? Yeah. Do you want a vodka drink? Or a lager drink?

Or a cider drink? Oh, Danny boy. Danny boy. Danny boy Danny boy Danny boy I eat hot dogs And then I eat another one It's not the most polite thing to eat a hot dog While we're doing a show Really get the microphone in there

It's just great, it's everything I wanted it to be That's exactly what I was hoping for Look at what you did with your thumbnail To your good friend Ian. You came after my dog. You know that's rule one. Come on. I'm going to start crying.

I'm not flexing. If I started flexing. Whose pic is it? I got a hot dog. Oh, that's a good question. I'm so glad. Can I just say, I'm so glad you got a good hot dog for me. Can I just say, I'm so glad you got a good hot dog for me.

If there's anyone who could facilitate it, could we get two double tequila sodas and one? Like a Jameson on the rocks, please. No, not yet. No. All right, all right. Three Malorts. Three Malorts as well.

Three Malorts for the table. A Wal-Ring Mallort. So, after dinner, after our crazy ass dinner, where there's a food fight, we're having a great time. Rufio's there. There's roller blade tricks. Everything you could ever want. There's no such thing as a roller blade trick.

There's roller blade buffoonery. You're a roller blade. And I'll hear nothing else. You're a roller blade trick. He got me. He ripped my faceery. You're a roller blade. And I'll hear nothing else. You're a roller blade trick. He got me. He ripped my face off. The next place we go, we need some alcohol. We need a little music. We need a small sense of danger.

So where do we go? Obviously, Moe's Isley Cantina. Yeah, dude. Bounty hunters shooting each other? Yeah, that's a great... Who shot first? Han, dude. Han shot first. You know, Shane Torres thought it was...

So if you were to ask Shane Torres that question... This is true. If the room could please ask me who shot first. Who shot first? Hans. Shane thought his name was Hans Solo. How do you go through a life? Like, how do you wake up every day not confronted by the truth of this?

He'd pay taxes. You know what I mean? He loved. He lost. He loved. Oh, my God. Hans Solo. you know what I mean he loved he lost he loved oh my god Han Solo Han he thought everyone

his hair was like 14 inches long he thought everyone had just been saying Han he walked into a Levi's store and said I'll take everything you got why does he love denim so much

I've never understood that he's not just a millennium falcon yeah I was all over it is that how Hans would do it or no I don't know yeah I understood that. Is that just a Millennium Falcon? Yeah, it's all of them. Is that how Hans would do it? Or no, I don't know. Yeah! My Millennium Falcon can make the casserole. The casserole in six parsecs.

The casserole in 1.4 parsecs. Oh, you love me? I know. Yeah, I've already. Yeah, this is my large ape, Chewbacca. That's Hans. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, it's true.

You should let the Vogue win. You know, it's true. How do you feel about Leia? Princess Leia, I love her, but I do not possess her, so it's okay. I think she has a thing for Luke. Huh?

Leia has a thing for Luke. Oh, wait, wait. Oh, you're not saying she has a thing for Luke, and that's his brother, and I'm okay with that. I actually like that. Oh, fuck yeah! Thank you, guys. Thank you very much. You guys have really just made my whole life fantastic.

I feel bad that everybody bought tickets. Do you want a bite, Shawnee? Bought tickets to watch us eat a hot dog and get hammered. I apologize. I think if that's what it said on the website, they paid extra. It is that kind of podcast. Seriously.

It really is that kind of podcast. is seriously no I don't want to it really is that kind of podcast there's so good Chicago style that is the most pure distillation of what kind of podcast it is yeah Mos Eisley Cantina dude there's like there's shit going down all around there's good music

you know what I mean no I feel you there's that lady with the the head the Twi'leks and uh anyway Sean Jordan yeah you picked the double deuce first

yeah I did will your second location have chicken wire i don't know we'll find out now my second location i'm gonna i kind of want to go to a club so i might i might bell up in the century club oh with my jeans on and my team's strong can i not pick that what are you doing i can't pick that? What are you doing? I can't pick that? Is he talking about fucking 100 girls? It's a real club. It's another real club, dog. Are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me? Why would he have made up a club?

Man, for copyright reasons, I just can't say the club I'm actually talking about. Sean! Oh, fuck, man. Really. Sean! I'm trying. Are you?

Yes. Do you think all the clubs... I had no idea that it was a real club. Do you think that all the clubs that rappers are talking about are made up? Is this the dumbest draft that I'm ever going to have? No, no, no I knew that I wasn't going to win Alright, I'm going to alter

So I want to take in I want to take in a little music So I'm going to go to that Snoop Dogg show From old school, how about that? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! The house party? Yeah, that's fair.

Clap for him. I'm sweating. I saw that resent like, no, that was stupid. I get it. It's a bummer. They're going to kill it. I'm so nervous now. We're not going to kill anything unless it's a bummer. It's a bummer. They're going to kill it. I'm just going to... I'm so nervous now. This is crazy.

We're not going to kill anything unless it's real. And unfortunately... No, I mean you guys are going to kill it as in the draft. How wonderful, though, that we had one stipulation. And you blew it twice. I might blow it again. Who the fuck knows? I just love that you think Dr. Dre makes up clubs for songs.

Yeah, that's so weird to me. You thought he was just... Do you think everything in songs is make-believe? Because first it was Jack and Diane. Just like Daz is at home like, oh man, Google in the Century Club. Well, how come I can't get it? Like...

Oh, man. at home like, oh man, Google in the Century Club. Well, how come I can't get it? Trey, you gotta hook it up. And he's like, sorry, man. Limited invite. It's me, a unicorn, Bigfoot. Woke Paul Bunyan, he's real too, though. Woke Paul Bunyan's gonna be there. It's gonna be tight, dude. That's so fucking funny. Where's the Century Club? Los Angeles.

Los Angeles. Is it seriously in LA? The city that you live in. I live in LA. It's the city where you live. Just in case later you were going to take One Oak, that's real. Bungalow 8, real. Real.

One Tweezy, that's real. 112 is a real club. Magic City, real. Every Armenian Supper Club, real. Taco Bell, real. Every Armenian Supper Club, real. Taco Bell, real. Taco Bell's too real. Thank God. Holy buckets.

Well, you guys are seeing the real me. I'll tell you that. The bummer is that I saw it coming from as soon as you started talking. Really? No way. Yeah, I knew you were going to. Just the way you were doing it. And then you did the lyric. And I was like, oh, this fucking you were going to, just the way you were doing it, and then you did the lyric,

and I was like, oh, this fucking dude is going to. I was bouncing on the handlebars. He's going to do it twice, and he thinks he's saucing. You thought you were saucing. So did you when you ordered those fucking hot dogs earlier.

David? David, David, David. Time for your second and your third picks. My second pick, I want to take in some music now and I like a little bit of a mixed crowd I like all types of people

you should go to the Century Club, it's totally made up I'm going to the Ink and Paint Club from Roger Rabbit oh I'm going to go watch Jessica Rabbit make moves I only scarcely remember that but I feel like it's a good pick

there were cartoons and people cool yeah I like it I just I wish I could what do I gotta do to impress I like it I'm sorry I'm not getting Emmys and having sex in New York. I'm sorry, Ian. Say every city I had sex in if you're going to say any of them.

I do love you. I'm very proud of you. I love you, too. Thank you. It means a lot. I love you guys, you. I love you, too. Thank you. It means a lot. I love you guys, too. I can't believe Tasty Freeze is a real place. It does sound fake, in all fairness.

It sounds fake as hell. I had a whole... They picked him up over at the Tasty Freeze. And they're like, I see. That's supposed to be Gary Quinn. I get it. That sounds weird. Oh, I'm so scared.

Those are like two of my Buck picks and they're gone. Next you're going to be like Burger King. The White House. Oh my gosh. Any dentist's office. Bank and Bank Club. So what is the baby with the scar there? Jessica Rabbit's

there. Probably all the cartoons. Because in that, they were like Bugs Bunny and all that shit. Yeah, it was all the Warner Brothers cartoons. So in my head, truthfully, you want to know what's going on? Yeah. I'm doing Blow in the Bathroom with Foghorn Leghorn. I'll say it. I'll say it.

I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. That's pure. No. Now, David, here's the thing. There's a lot of money in opening ski resorts, David. All you got to do is have a lump sum to begin with, David, I say, I say,

because it's all rough in all winter, David. All you got to do is build a couple of ski lifts, David, I say, I say. And in the summer, David, and in the summer, I say, it's an alpine slide, David. I say, I say, we got to get in an apartment together. Yeah, man, so I'm just tooting rails in the bathroom with Foghorn. And we're writing a script, because it's Hollywood. Oh, man. Can I interrupt the podcast for one second?

Just for a second. My little sister, Aliza Carmel. Oh, yeah. Beautiful voice. Beautiful voice. No, that Aliza Carmel. Oh, yeah. She... Beautiful voice. Beautiful voice. No, that's my older sister. That's just beautiful.

I'm a nice... My little sister just today finished her final, final for her PhD. Oh, you're gonna call her? And I'm gonna do a... And she's like, Hey, Mama!

It's Sue! Say Sue Carmel! Hi, sorry I didn't pick up. We're in the middle of a live podcast, but you finished, you did your last final today? She's giving me the finger right now. We are celebrating the end of her 20th year of school.

Damn, Doug. 20 years in school? That's crazy. Me and Sean only made it two. She's our year 21. So, can we... I love you. I'm so proud of you. I think that's amazing. And we're here in Chicago.

You're so handsome say what AK you're so handsome oh thank you so I love you and everyone here is too on the count of three let's all say

congratulations to my brilliant little sister one two three congratulations we're very proud of you. I love you so much.

I'm so proud of you. I'll talk to you for real later, okay? Say hi to St. Sue on the count of three. Say hi, St. Sue. One, two, three. Hi, St. Sue! Yeah! Alright, we gotta get back to it because we're already running super late, if you believe that.

Alright, I'm gonna call somebody I love. On the count of three, talk to the Domino's guy. I love you! Congratulations on your PhD. Thank you for tracking your pizza heating degree. Oh man, no. He doesn't pick up my call. David, time for your third pick. You're doing rails with foghorn leghorn.

You know how fun that... I would love that! He'd be telling it like it is. Oh, man. He'd be telling it like it is, and I'll tell you that. I'll say, Tweety's a bitch. I know who killed a Tupac. So, okay.

So now we're yacked up, obviously. Now, I mean, I'm on coke. I'm all gassed up because Foghorn Leghorn's been telling me about how Jews run the media or whatever he's talking about. Who knows? That guy's wild. He's from the South. So I want to go... We do run a big lot of it. I'm proud of you. Thank you.

I want to go... I don't know if this one's going to work, but I got to stay true to my heart, and I have always wanted to go... I want to go get like a tiki drink. I want something with an umbrella in it. I want to stay true to my heart, and I have always wanted to go. I want to go get like a tiki drink. I want something with an umbrella in it. I want to drink out of a coconut. Do you guys remember the show Tailspin? Yeah!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm going to Louie's from Tailspin. Yeah! Tailspin. Now, Adventure can begin on another Tailspin. Oh, yeah. Tailspin. Now, if I can begin on another tailspin. Oh, yeah. Tailspin. Oh, yeah.

Tailspin. Something, something, something, on another tailspin. And then they have that middle where they're like, sugar with you, Jimmy. With you, sugar. With you, Jimmy. What? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Did you not watch Tailspin? Yeah, I did. Oh, okay. Yeah, Lou, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Did you not watch Tailspin? Yeah, I did. Oh, okay. Yeah, Louie's from Tailspin. It always seemed cool, man. There were pilots in there. I've never seen a plane like that. There were a lot of stone-cold foxes in there.

Louie was selling weed. Ken had that air surf board that he used to put out. Yeah, the boomerang board. And he used to... No adult supervision. It just seemed like you could get in a lot of trouble there. It's weird. You know it was the 90s. And I'm very attracted to, no adult supervision. It just seemed like you could get in a lot of trouble. It's weird. You know it was the 90s.

And I'm very attracted to cartoon animals. Sure. Like sexually. I think most of the women in this room would have strong things to say about Robin Hood from Robin Hood. Oh. Also, Baloo.

I can only hope. Baloo seemed like he would be a good boyfriend, right? Yeah, yeah. With the shit, I believe he would say. The bare necessities. The simple bare necessities. It doesn't matter if I snore at night. Yeah, man, because I got a second bed.

I keep it in a second room and after we have sex you go sleep there wherever I wander wherever I roam I couldn't be thunder of my big home

I've got one bedroom just for me and another for you to sleep because I've got sleep apnea. It's weird because you never realize your friend is going to sing your dreams to you. It's just like it's like a crazy feeling to have. Oh, boy. I do. My body type is blue for the most part.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And you're always scratching your back on light posts and stuff. It's itching. And helping young Indian boys find their way in this world. Yeah. Oh, that was weird. Yeah.

Louise from Tailspin. Louise. Oh, we are running late. Oh, we are. Yeah. No, we're not. We're not at all. We started late. We started late. We started like 9, 10. It's we are, yeah. No, we're not. We started late.

Yeah, we're fine. We started like 9, 10. It's like 10, 30. We're fine. Honestly, I ate that hot dog and time doesn't exist anymore. I ate that hot dog. Baby, you got lots of toppings.

I'll be eating with celery salt and the pickles, babe. That's a good thing somebody else ordered it, huh? Sean! Time for your third pick, Bubba. I'm going to go to the Oriental, Wyatt Earps Bar in Tombstone.

Oh, I got two guns here. Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm making an emergency pick over here. I know, temp it. I feel like I've lost the draft already. There is like over 100 people in here and one dude clapped. I think it's because I said the word Oriental so loud.

Yeah, you said it again. You did hit it hard. Obviously, I it again. You did hit it hard. Obviously, I'm not. You did hit it hard. That's the name of the bar. Sean's having a tough draft. But I'm having a good time. It happens to the best of us.

You guys know Tasty Freeze? Sean's blinking off ass. He's pitting out. You guys know Tasty Freeze is a real place? It's real. I just learned that. Oh, thank you.

Oh, thank you. Yeah, maybe it'll help Sean out. It's that ginger shot from Press Juicery. Oh, is this Mallory? Is it really? Way to take the heat off me. I appreciate that. That's very nice of you.

All right, let's do it. Mallory. Do we do these as a shot? Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it.

Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. Oh, that goes down easy. It tastes like mouthwash. Oh, that feels dangerous. That's that kind of thing where I'm like, I just got a lot drunker, but it didn't taste bad.

Uh-oh. Yeah. Uh-oh. Aish. So, the blank bar for Wyatt Earps. Man, I'm really trying. I'm really trying for you guys. Can I tell you another thing?

Can I send you a link that has something? Can I just say one other thing? Probably a real place. It is? We'll give it to you. No, come on. We'll give it to you. I'll pick a different place. We'll give it to you. No, come on. We'll give it to you. I'll pick a different place.

We'll give it to you. I will pick a different place. I love you. I love you. Is it real? Is it real? It's real, doggy! Wait, which one?

Because there's a lot of bars called the Oriental. There's one in Denton. Oh, no! Okay. Shawty! Shawty! Shawty! Oh, my gosh. I got no balls here.

Doc Holliday just looking for silver. Can I Google you? Can I send you a list? No You're having trouble And I don't like to see my friends in trouble No no It's funnier

It's But it That's pedantic Thank you And I love Well yeah I don't think you hated my guts Because I'm blowing it I hate you

No you don't No I don't You're my best friend I love you Cheese and rice Feels good for me Oh no I'm kidding You don't understand.

I've known Sean for like fucking ten years and I've known you for five. Six months. Five golden years. Four shots of Malort. Three men in one bed. Two Molly

nights and one weird coke night we don't talk about. We bought a house. All right, I will make another pick, but it's... Please, Sean. Please, Sean. Please, Sean. I take Target, the store we all know about.

Please, Sean. I really thought I had this. So, maybe I'll... This sucks because this person was already in one of my picks. I can't do that? I know I can. I don't know if you know what you can do. I can do what?

Can I go to the house party from the gin and juice video? Yes, Sean. That's a good... I might get yelled at after this. You're not going to get yelled at. It was a good... By who? No, I'm kidding.

It was a good bit. I am going to fucking air you out, dog. I'm going to do the voice in three, two, one. By Ian. If I'm going for it, I'm going to go for it. The way that you feel about that voice is the right way to feel about it. Ladies and gentlemen, your Laker Girls. Laker Girls. Cool, Laker girls.

Cool, the gin and juice video, dog. Is that the one with the fridge that's just full of 40s? No, that's not the gin and juice thing. Oh, fuck. Well, what? Okay. Gin and juice where he slams down all the roll of condoms. It's like where he has a house party and his parents are gone.

It's where the one white guy is at the party and Sean always pauses and says, look at that guy. That's Dre Day. That's Dre Day. That's Dre Day. Oh, I'm sorry. Look at these dipshits. Yeah, look at us dipshits. So my night's getting pretty crazy.

Thank you. I went to the table from Hook and we ate. Then we went to Moe's Isley and we started getting hammered, right? Then we decide we're not hammered enough. We got to get a little bit more hammered, right? Then we decide we're not hammered enough. We gotta get a little bit more hammered, right? But now, maybe we want a little activity to it. So,

we go to a club where we can have music, alcohol, and witness a little bit of dancing. The Coco Bongo from the movie The Mask. You fucked me. They call me Cuban Pete. You fucked me right in my mouth.

I'm the king of the Latin beat. You fucked me in my mouth, in my hands. Chick, chicky boom, chick, chicky boom. Yeah, dog, we're the fucking Coco Bongo. Can't we be asses up there? I'm in the back and my mouth turns into a wolf face. Ah-hoo! And then my eyes go out like that.

Can I also ask, you know how the mask was different when everybody put it on? Yeah. What do you think would happen if you put on the mask? Oh, dog, I'd be able to eat so many chicken wings. I feel like I'd be pretty chill, you know what I mean? It'd be similar to you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It'd be like me, but like eating more chicken wings. What did the mask do? Did it like take your most hidden desires and make them real? No, I think it just took like, what are you? Oh! The Coco Bongo's real? The student becomes the teacher. Honestly, I thought you guys were, I thought you were like arguing about something.

I'll take my fucking comeuppance. Bro, you gotta take it When were they open? Well they were in LA It does happen after the mask If the Coco Bongos were inspired because this was in Chicago right?

If they were inspired by the movie The Mask Was The Mask in Chicago? The movie was set in L.A.? Oh, I thought it was in Chicago for some reason. Probably because I just love Chicago so much. No, it was in Miami. Sorry.

Wasn't it in Miami? No. Lord, no, Lord. You know it? Yes. Yes. Line it up. All right, all right, all right.

Listen, I don't need the fucking, I don't fucking, you think I fucking came up here without 18 backup picks? I invented this podcast shit. And this the motherfucking thanks I get? I try to be as thankful

as I can. This is amazing that I'm a part of this. This is crazy. You're not a part of it. You are it, man. You're the heart, baby. I'm the dipshit right now. Now I gotta make sure that my shit isn't fake. My name is Cuban Pete. Or is fake.

All right. The Coco Bongo. We're gonna talk about like it's real. So instead, and you forced me down this dark path. We're going to the

Bada Bing from the Sopranos. Somebody just goes, holy shit! We're going to look at boobs! And I don't know if any of you have been to a strip club with me. But it's an experience. I started making television money about four or five years ago. And I don't really spend it on anything but sneakers. So, I have a rich war chest for when i go back to portland oregon and visit a bunch of people just trying to improve their lives through erotic dancing

he does he handed me like fifth like a stack of ones bigger than i've ever seen he's like get up you know boobie i bet was in there and he's like get up there and have fun and i i did i was building little pyramids. It was tight. And I don't even like strip clubs. I can't stand them. I feel like an asshole. Yeah, I got a number that night.

Never called it. I fell asleep at the rack and got broken up with because of it. But that's not important. Oh, but we also bought Marissa her first lap dance. And she loved that shit, dude. You remember how happy she was? Yeah, dude. She was fucking stoked. She was like, someone else's

boobs. Oh, boy. I don't know. I don't know how to talk Canadian. That was a weird Marissa. Oh, I don't know how to do This is a weird Marissa impression. I don't know how to do Canadian accents. I'm trying. Oh, good. Oh, good. Oh, hey.

Oh, those are some cans there. Oh, boobs, eh? Oh, good. Oh. Oh, my gosh. Look, there's a loonie and a toonie right in my face. Holy buckets. Oh, boobs, eh?

Yeah, something like that. Justin and Trudeau right there, you know? The point is, I enjoy a strip club. Whether it's in Portland, Oregon, or in this case, a terrible part of New Jersey I hope to never visit. So I'm going to the Bada Bing next.

We're drinking. We're donating funds to the whatever they want to spend it on fund. College, probably. You're rabble rousing. Whatever, fucking college or whatever. If they want to fucking buy like a, you know, a jet ski, I'm into that too. Well, yeah, who wouldn't want to be? I'm especially

into that. I'm dark into that. Dark part of the podcast. Dark Carmel. Okay, I think I'm right. I had to do a deep dive to see hello dark part of the podcast it's getting dark in here again ian revealed that he likes to go to strip clubs every now and then that That's not dark. Well, some people think it is. And to those people, Ian says, oh, grow up.

It's a fantastic way to make money. Oh. What? Welcome to another... You blacked out. It's okay. What happened? It's okay.

Are we okay? Oh, here we are. In Columbus, New York, Portland, Oregon. Chicago, Illinois. Yeah, dude, the Bada Bing. That's what I'm fucking drafting. Okay. Is it me?

Yeah, I got to write mine down. What did I take right before the Bada Bing? Bada Bing. You just took the Bada Bing. What did I take right before it? This is not. I'm really not that drunk. They're really seeing how the sausage is made here.

I was playing it up. I tried to take the Coco Bongo. They said no. Yeah, and then you took the Bada Bing. Oh, so I just took the bottom. So I got another pick right now. I got another pick right now. Oh, I shouldn't have drawn it out that long.

As it is, a serpentine draft. It is a serpentine draft. I shouldn't have drawn it out that long. Now, there's a weird, there's a weird, there's a weird energy in here. It means that people hate, hate toppings on their hot dogs. There's a weird, there's a weird energy in here. And the only way to rescue it is by taking everyone in the audience to Pleasure Island from Pinocchio, dude. Is that what you're picking?

Where the bad boys go? Anything goes on Pleasure Island. You can drink, you can smoke, and most importantly, you can fucking tear apart a mansion. Which in these times of economic inequality seems more important than ever. Mazel tov! I don't want to drink and smoke with little kids, though. There's not kids there in this case. It's just a bunch of people who look like donkeys.

Ooh, a bunch of donkey people. Yeah, donkey people. I'm back in. I just want to go to pleasure. I just like it because you can go fucking tear a house apart. I think that sounds fun. After you've been to three bars, basically, and then you go tear a house apart, and you're like, yeah!

I got a couple friends that got arrested for tearing a house apart. Yeah! Sounds like something that would happen in a... I set them up for that one. I set them up. But they did. They went to jail. They tore apart a house that was being built.

In the ghetto. Not going to air him out, but like, I'm not going to say names, but the cops showed up and they're like, how'd you find us? It was like the footprints from the fucking house to their house. Like it was a muddy night. You can say their names. Your friends don't go by their real names. It's all Weasel Dan and Ajax.

You don't know Weasel Dan? It was Big Pink Wallet and Larry Bird Jr., dude, and then we were there. I thought you were going to say Larry Hoover. We're not friends, bro. They call me Big Meech. Larry Hoover. That's so tight that Larry Hoover's name is in a song. Larry Hoover's the super

karate gentleman that I used to take karate from. No, that's not who they're talking about. No, I know that. I know. Much like the rest of this draft, Larry Hoover is real. I know. Might as well rip my throat out. I mean, I have presented myself as such. Pleasure learning from Pinocchio.

It sounds fun. The drinking, the smoking, I'm glad they're there. That's not the main reason. The main reason is just to walk into a house and take like a wardrobe and smash it into a boudoir. Yeah, we could go to my house. We could do that at the townhome on Monday. The townhouse? We could do that at the townhouse on Monday.

All right, listen. The next pick is Sean Jordan's, and I do have to pee, but I'm going to stay just long enough to make sure it's a real thing. You maybe should go pee. So I'm going to go. I want to watch. Also, you're going to have to go through the crowd. Yeah, you are going to.

He just leaves. I can't make the pick without you. Yes, you do it all the time Literally every time we do this podcast So this draft is all over the place My Obviously I feel like you've just drafted like two house parties

I'm almost shaking Well I'm going to watch some more music I'm going to go to Championship Vinyl from High Fidelity And I'm going to watch Jack Black do the record release party for the band in High Fidelity. Come on! It's in Chicago. No, I don't need the charity. In the book, it was in London.

What? Nothing. So you guys, you were tempted again. That's not a real place, Championship Vinyl. It's my favorite movie in the whole world. There's no way that there's a real... It's a real place. It's just people... It's definitely not a real place, Championship Vinyl. It's my favorite movie in the whole world. There's no way that there's a real... It's a real place. It's just people...

It's definitely not a real place. Championship Vinyl is a real record shop? No. Well, it could be. Listen, you're doing good. I am sweating. You're doing good, buddy. Don't listen to them.

They don't know you. Does anybody in here like the movie High Fidelity? It's my favorite movie of all time. So it's Barry Jive and the Uptown Five. Or Kathleen Turner Overdrive. I can't remember exactly what they went by, as I have had Malort no more than a minute ago. But yeah, you know what I'm talking about? The scene in that movie?

Well, but I'm... Oh, Sean. I mean, they all... Everything in a movie happened at a real place. No, that's not a good answer to that. So the Metro is a real record shop in Chicago. No, that didn't happen at the record shop. You're good, man. You're good, buddy.

It's hard, man. Today, I ordered three naked hot dogs. Shit happens. Shit happens, man. I think you're still funny. I think you're competent. I think you're a good friend. Ian called me when I was in the Uber

in between looking up porn stars and he's like, hey, I'm going to call you for a second. And he explained this to me, like to the T. He's like, I need to call you to explain. He did. I listened to it. He pretty much laid it out. You were even like, to the T. He's like, I need to call you to explain, and I still... He did. I listened to it. He pretty much laid it out. You were even like, what's that mean? And he was like, it means that it's fake.

You mean like the Tasty Freeze is fake, right? It's okay, dude. People fuck up. Players fuck up. Players fuck up. Anyway, so I picked Championship Vinyl, Barry Jive and the Uptown Five, Jack Black singing at,

what's the name of the band? Kinky Wizards Release Party. Right? Yeah, a lot of Chicago shit in there. So I'm trying. I'm giving it to you. Cool, dude. Great.

Yeah, I think it was good. I think it was good. High fidelity. I peed so long, dude. It was a long pee. Oh, I like that. You got that one where you're like, am I still peeing? And you're kind of proud of yourself. Sometimes I pee so long, I think I might have gotten taller.

Yeah. Which doesn't... It doesn't make sense on paper, but in my heart. I can make sense. That's how it feels. All right, David, it is time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is Serpentine Draft. So now I'm blitzed. I'm fucking

I'm all fucking yacked up from Leghorn and then I'm all tiki drunk from Louie's. Yep. I want to go see another show. I want to see a fancy show. Maybe there's some drums. Sure. Maybe there's a trombone. Oh. I want to go to the Tropicana from I Love Lucy.

Oh. There we go. Because that shit seemed great. It was a big band. Desi Arnaz is doing his shit. Lucy's like, but I want to be in the show. And he's like, you can be in the show, Lucy. It'll be so much fun.

And I just. Right? That's what she did. Yeah, that's what she did. Even as a kid, I used to ditch a lot of fifth grade. I don't know if you guys know that about me. Used to ditch a lot of fifth grade, and I would watch the TV channel PAX,

and they had I Love Lucy on it, and I've seen most of the catalog of the show. For a second, I thought you said, I used to teach a lot of fifth grade. Then I was like... What if that was like... Whoa, what? Man, I'd be so good at teaching.

Oh, yeah. Like P.E. I could teach P.E. Yeah, I want to go to the Tropicana from I Love Lucy. I love it. I want to be in the show too, Lucy. I understand.

And is this my last one or I have one more after this? Is your final pick? Oh, fuck. Make sure it's not real. Okay. It is not. Mine's not real. Okay, it is not. Mine's not real, Sean.

I'm not an idiot. That's hot dogs back to differ, my friend. Damn. I'm going to rip his fucking face off. Damn, son. Where'd you get those naked hot dogs? Damn. Weiner Circle.

Damn, son. Where'd you get these hot dogs? I'll show you the Postmates receipt. It was 26 bucks. Yeah, yeah. You don't think I feel bad? You don't think I feel like I'm... You know what's a bummer is you go to the menu

and all the toppings are no extra money, too. Yeah, Ian. It's not like you saved money. There's a lot of things. It was like pickles, free. Sport peppers, free. It's okay. My friend got me one. I feel good. I'm, free. That's okay. My friend got me one.

I feel good. I'm so happy. There's another one sitting down. Good for you. Good for you. Just like we drove to Boston and I ate my ticket. Don't blame that on me. That was the weather.

You can't. Come on, man. That one hurt. They don't even know about it. I know. I tried to finesse it. They don't even know that that happened. I tried to finesse it. They don't even know that that happened. I tried to finesse it in a comedy way, and I failed to do it.

Yeah, I'll give you some money for the ticket, man. I don't want it. I don't want it. I'm trying my best. I got a town in the valley. I have responsibilities. I think the thing we can agree on is that Sean Jordan is picking these real places. He's gaslighting us.

It's a classic case. I go in the gas station. I get a sandwich, because that's what I like to eat. Is that what he's gaslighting us. Anyways. I go in the gas station, I get a sandwich because that's what I like to eat. Is that what you think gaslighting is? These boys. I didn't mean to gaslight you boys, but I like sandwiches from truck stops.

He's just eating a salami. Sean's going like, it's a gaslight Friday. I'm sorry to gaslight you guys. I'm just hungry as fuck, dude. I don't see a Tasty Freeze anywhere. I'm starving. I got to get some shit. I wanted to suck on a chili dog.

Can you just park real fast? I got to go gaslight you guys. I wanted to sit in shotgun in the minivan and navigate like a pervert while I was sucking on a chili dog, but I do not see a tasty breeze, so I'll have this gas station sandwich. I didn't mean to gaslight you fools. It smelled like hot mustard.

My final pick. Your final pick. Because now we've gone all night. I'm hungry. I'm, you know, I'm keyed up. Fuck yeah. But I'm off the coke now. It's time to land the plane, dude.

It's time to land the plane. Yeah, it's time to land the plane. I want a burger, maybe some fries, maybe to hang out with some of my friends, some of my good friends. Maybe a Lisa Turtle, maybe a Jesse Spano. I'm going to get burgers at the max, baby! Saved by the bell!

That bums me out. I should have picked that. That is such a bummer. I thought it was going to be your first pick. It's wild. I also thought you understood what we were drafting. I also thought I ordered Chicago dogs, so fuck me on all levels right now.

I used to try to dress like Zach. Zach Morris was my hero back in the day. Oh my gosh, I should have picked that. By the way, that show does not hold up. It's terrible. No, it's very boring. It's like that show Doug. So shitty.

No way. Morelort! Mike Malort? Jeez and rice, you fucking psycho. It goes down so easy. It does. Are you? Yes, he's kidding. No, I'm not kidding. He already did it. I'm not kidding He already did it I'm not kidding

He didn't even wait for us It tastes like perfume Oh, you guys don't drink perfume? It goes down so easy It's like an herbal Yeah, I also think it goes down really smooth It's like drinking water that's had potpourri in it for 45 seconds It's fantastic

Did you ever drink potpourri in it for 45 seconds. It's fantastic. Did you ever drink potpourri? Yeah, me too. Nick Nampay and I ate potpourri one night just to see. As a kid, for some reason, I thought it would be like tea. Yeah, it was. I put it in a paper towel and put hot water over it. I was alone a lot.

Like a lot. Is there any liquor in that gasoline we just drank? Gasolina! Aish. Aish. Anyways. Sean has started,

the more time we spend around each other, Sean has become more and more Jewish. I said bubby the other day. He did. I said kibitzing. He's been saying, he's been saying aish. You said kibetching?

I just have more money all of a sudden? Probably like, That was bad? That was bad? That was bad? I... He's gonna do... That wasn't a song. My lord, my lala, my lord.

I don't know this song. Is this Alicia Keys? You don't know my name. Are you playing Rough Riders Anthem on the piano? No, he's doing DJ Shadow. DJ Shadow. It does sound a little bit like Rough Riders, though. Anyways, the max. Eight more years of that light anti-Semitism and I'm not going to make you join us.

Seriously, I apologize. Don't apologize. Shut up. It was very funny and endearing. We loved it. Any other Jews in the crowd? How do we feel about it? Sorry. Yeah, alright. Wait, are you talking

about Judaism or what? I sat down wrong. Shit, this woman leaves. She's like, I've had enough. I gotta go. I gotta go. They're falling down.

This is... Whose pick is it? Mine. I don't know if this is going to get released. I think this might be a Chicago-only joint. Oh, no! It'll get released. Much like Malort, we're going to leave it here.

Look at that. I found a little... Look, I found a little hole in the stage. Oh, that scares me for me. Oh, God. Thank God. I thought I broke the chair because I'm fat, but I didn't. It's just the stage sucks.

Oh, that's a good feeling. I don't have a problem. Send us a pizza to the stage, please. problem. Send us a pizza to the stage, please. Now tell me, as I've been picking kind of real stuff, tell me if I can pick this. Sean, it's not...

No, I understand. We're not asking you to draft scientific theory. It's just places that aren't real. So I'm going to pick... Like, I don't know what questions you have. Just pick a place that's not real. So I'm going to pick... Like, I don't know what questions you have. Just pick a place that's not real. I need to be told it's my pick. It's your pick, Sean.

Sean Jordan, it's your pick. I'm going to pick... So to end the night, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. You're going to pick your topic for your hot topic. Go ahead and pick the Luxor. You know, you bring up the Luxor. Funny thing.

This is crazy. And this is true, by the way. Everybody in here been to Vegas? And this is true, by the way. A little bit. And this is true. The Luxor. This is true.

It's shaped like a pyramid. Yeah. If you come in to Vegas from the right angle, you can actually see it. It's wild. I thought they were full of shit and then they took me to Vegas.

Yeah, because when you're inside, you're like, well, no, all I have is whale bones. What am I, in a building see it. It's wild. I thought they were full of shit. And then they took me to Vegas. Because when you're inside, you're like, what am I, in a building? I've done that before. But from the outside, it's a pyramid. Alright, Sean. We've got to end it because it's the standing room. Because we've been doing this for two years. So I want to end my night. I want to smoke a joint

on the 50-year-old line of the quarter. End your night, Sean Lon. Isn't that funny? Yeah, you're going to end your night, Sean Lon. I didn't hear a joint on the 50 yard line with Woodership. End your night, Shyamalan. I just did. Isn't that funny? End your night, Shyamalan? I didn't hear any boos, so that must count. He heard the turn of phrase. No, I understand the end my night Shyamalan joke. End your night. It's very good.

Youngest, but he had a... I fell over a second ago. I know, I know, I know, I know. Pal, it's a big night. It's a big night. And I thought it was my fault for being fat and it wasn't. No, it wasn't. I ate all those three hot dogs and we were fine. I It's a big night. I thought it was my fault for being fat and it wasn't. No, it wasn't. I ate all those three hot dogs

and I'm fine. I want to end my night. I want to smoke a joint on the 50 yard line with Wooderson. Wow. That's probably your best pick. Thank God. Thank God. You guys don't know how much I needed that. That was... And I don't even smoke weed. I don't even smoke weed.

You don't smoke weed. Oh yeah, what the fuck are you doing? What? You fucking dickhead. I'm going to be there. What are you smoking an herbal cigarette on the 50 yard line? Maybe. Anyway, yeah.

Everybody calm down. So yeah, smoking a joint on the 50 yard line with Wooderson. That's my last pick. Man, you guys don't know the pain of somebody whoerson. That's great. I'm so happy for you. Man, you guys don't know the pain of somebody who's trying to get through a draft

who blew it so hard. And I'm going to listen to Boosie while I do it. Yo, we talked about this in the car. What up, dog? Don't do that to me. Shots landed, playboy.

Oh no, all the shots of the night that you've taken have landed. I heard your pitch. Don't do that to me. Shots landed, Playboy. Oh, no. All the shots of the night that you've taken have landed. I heard your picks. Oh, I can't wait to sleep on the same couch as you tonight. All right, but you got to pick butts or nuts because something's rubbing my junk. We've taken a boat back from Pleasure Island.

And it would be easy now to end the night with a meal. But that's not how I feel like getting down. I have been infused with the energy of Chicago, which says you go until four. Which means instead...

It's 10.55. Which means instead... Which means instead... It's 10.55. Which means instead... Which means instead of going to Luke Steiner, which is what I was going to pick. I don't even know what that is. It's from Gilmore Girls? It's a classic breakfast place run by a

grumpy guy who's actually got a heart of gold? Raising his nephew as his own son. I like how Ian snuck in another pic as what he did. That was pretty sly. Were I in any other city, that's what I would have picked. Oh, what city is Gilmore Girls in? Stars Hollow, Connecticut? I don't think that shows.

It's not a real city. No, I just mean, I don't think that show... It's not a real city. No, I just mean, I don't think that show's for them. Stars Hellic... You would love... Dog, you would love it. Really? Yeah. Better than 90 Day Fiancé?

I used to... Okay, so here's what's up. Yeah. I used to come home from college, and I'd be sitting on my... Because I had like an hour or two hours between classes, and I'd be sitting on my couch, and I'd be sitting on my because I had like an hour or two hours between classes, and I'd be sitting on my couch, and I'd be flipping through channels, and I'd land on ABC Family.

I'm like, what's this shit? What's this Gilmore shit? What's this bullshit? What this old bullshit is? What's this old bullshit? Who's this plucky young lady trying to get into Yale? That's Rory. Right? Lauren Graham. I know that I got fucking, and then after that. Which one is Lorelai?

Lorelai's the mom. Well, they're both technically There's two Lorelais? Yeah. She juniored her daughter. There's two Lorelais in one town. Rory. Shenanigans No. She juniored her own daughter.

She juniored her own daughter? She juniored her own daughter? I've wanted that for years. I've always wanted a married woman and have her name our daughter Junior. Can I tell you where it's happening? Beyonce Junior. Stars Hollow, bro. That's where you're going to go. It's fucking whimsical, dog.

Maybe when we go home, me and you will do it. It's a great winter show. Okay. I'll try. I just a great winter show. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I'll try. I'll try.

I just really love 90 Day Fiance. You can watch that until November, then you and I get into Gilmore. But 90 Day Fiance is like all the range of human emotion. Like the entire spectrum of human. It's like the humanity of that show. Anyways. Yeah, but without Jess, so. I don't,

is that Melissa McCarthy? No one's slick as Gaston. No one's quick as Gaston. No one's neck says incredibly thick as Gaston. If there's no man in town, half is manly. Perfect up your paragon.

You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley, and they'll tell you whose team they prefer to be. No one's been like Gaston. A kingpin like Gaston. We're going to Gaston's bar for singing, eating meat, and getting even more hammer than we were before. And then

blowing Gaston, right? I might end the night by blowing Gaston, sure. Yeah, I bet his dick looks like his arms. Yeah. Rippled. Rippling, dog. Marbled. That guy wanted to kiss

Gaston, though, right? I'm going to gas up Gaston, I'll tell you what. I don't care if Gaston is there or not. You know what I mean? That's not really for me, but the bar seemed pretty fucking tight. I do like the way that beer looks in cartoons. Yeah, right? Exactly. It looks delicious. Cartoons and baseball games

have the best looking beer. I've never actually drank out of a flagon. I feel like I'm ready. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ian. A flagon? It's 2019, though. Oh, I don't care for that kind of phrase. I'm drinking out of a flagon.

Let's land the ship. I think that we should go out and take pictures with all these people. So we will. So what we're going to do, we're going to rifle right through here. We're going to run upstairs for a couple of minutes and then we'll be outside, I believe. And yeah, we'll all take photos and chill. Probably got to do flash.

I'm dark skinned and Sean doesn't show up at night. Oh, yeah. That was the thing for me. So make sure you have your flash on. That was an issue. You have your flash on. I'll have my flash on. You know what I'm talking about? To recap!

Let them know. David Boyd, you went first. You took the three broomsticks from Jerry Pollack. Stand behind it. And we let you keep drafting. You took the ink and paint club. Stand behind it. And then Louie's from Tailspin. Stand behind it. And then the Tropicana. Stand behind it.

And then you took the Macs. Feel good about all of them. Sean! You made a lot of picks tonight. The ones that you will be judged upon were the Double Deuce from Roadhouse. The two shits. Snoop Dogg's

concert from old school. Oh, my. The house party from gin and then on top of that, juice. The record release party from High Fidelity. A lot of music. I'm a musical little boy who loves to kiss. And then

we all know how much you like weed. from High Fidelity. A lot of music. I'm a musical little boy who loves to kiss. And then, we all know how much you like weed. Yeah, I smoke weed with you every day. I go to your house and smoke weed with you. It's been a common theme on this podcast,

how much you like marijuana. Like Sean, quit taking bong toes. You love smoking it. You love eating it. Any way you can get weed, you will. And because of that you

chose smoking a joint on the 50 yard line with woterson which isn't whatever man all right i ordered three naked hot dogs fuck me you know i went last and i took starting the night by eating food at the table from Hook from the Lost Boys and then going to Moe's Isla Cantina for a few drinks and then going to the Bada Bing to look at boobs. Bada boobs.

It's a smattering of a plus. And I don't care. They've been standing up for a long time. They're just tired. It is hot. I'll tell you. Dog, I'm hot too. I'm straight up. I'm wearing nothing but a fucking... I'm Montego Bay under here. I got a Rasheed Wallace jersey and I'm still hot, dude.

After the bottoming, we're all worked up, so we go to Pleasure Island and beat up a house. And then we wrap it up at Gaston's by singing about a guy we like. I mean, that guy was in love. Yeah. That sounded like love to me, bro. Yeah. Can we go to a

bar and call it Gaston's later and sing about me because I'm so bummed on my terrible picks? No one drinks like Gaston. No one drinks like Gaston. No one drinks and then drinks and then drinks like Gastonon. No one drinks like Gashon. No one drinks and then drinks and then drinks like Gashon. Why, he's drinking a lot of my liquor.

My lord, and then also nine beers. Sure, we can do that. Gashon, cheers. We left some good stuff on the table. Oh, he's churned in. Yeah, Moe's. Moe's doesn't seem that dope. Moe's is kind of sad. Moe's is, you would go to Moe's turned in. Yeah, Moe's. Moe's doesn't seem that dope. Moe's seems kind of sad.

Moe's is, you would go to Moe's with me. That's like the places that we go to. Moe's seems like slightly Whacker the Roost. I don't know. I'd go to Krusty Burger, though. I'm not stealing these chicken wings from Moe's. That's what I'm telling you. The nightclub from GTA Vice City seems cool.

I had the Bamboo Lounge from Goodfellas. Jack Rabbit Slims from Pulp Fiction. I wanted to start the night in Martin's apartment from Martin. The bar from the song Piano Man. And he's talking with Davey who's still in the Navy and probably

will be for life. And the waitress is practicing politics while the businessman slowly gets stoned. Well, they're sharing a drink they call loneliness, but it's better than drinking alone. We drank a lot tonight. La-di-di- La-di-di-da di-di-da-da

La-di-di-da I don't want to push you off that shit. La-di-di-da Okay, let's do it. Sing us a song You're the piano man Sing us a song tonight

Where we're all in the mood for a memory And you got us feeling alright Yeah. It's that kind of podcast, right? We left Mendel's from the hotel whatever. Rwanda? The soup nazi's place. That bar from

Hotel Rwanda that we all want to go to. Holy. No, the Wes Anderson movie, not Hotel Rwanda. Oh, you mean the movie that's the opposite of Black Beauty? Krusty Burger. I don't think Wes Anderson has met one. Nah, Dandic Loves and Tannenbaum's, dude.

Yeah, but they didn't talk on set. Yeah, that's probably true. That's a fact. I bet it's 100% true. He thought it was Donald Glover. Let's land this and take pictures with these good people. They seem nice. I want to meet you.

We want to hear yours. Oh, shit. Shit. Yeah. Chocolate factory! There's so many dead children in there. Yeah, I want to get sucked up in a tube.

Teach me a lesson, you libertarian chocolate factory owner. Oh, yeah? Whatever that is, yeah. Make sure you hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to

Super Producer Marissa. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to everyone fucking with us on the AFE Patreon. Thank you for holding us down. Shout out to Frankie Ocean, dog. Shout out to Sid the Dude, bro. Shout out to Haji Beads, dog. Shout out to fucking Mike Singletary, bro. Shout out to Haji Beedstock. Shout out to fucking Mike Singletary,

bro. Shout out to Patrick Melcher, the only professional skateboarder I can think of from Chicago. Shout out to Wendell Carter, dog. Shout out to Dick Butkus. Anything?

Oh, wait, what? Shout out to William Perry, the fridge. I didn't know we were doing that. Shout out to Twista. Shout out to Most Def. Shout out to Most Def. What? God damn it.

I thought he was Chicago boy. Can I blow it again? Is he real? God, no. He's not from Chicago. Is Most Def real? He's super from New York. Yeah, he's not from Chicago.

Why is he on two words? Is he not on two words? Not everybody... I thought that whole song was about Chicago. I'm going to stop talking, man. I'm going to have to set it down. I love you, for real, but, like, you are fucking up. Remember when I said this table looks sexy?

Shout out to Ryan Sandberg. Shout out to Frank Thomas' weird bone-or-pill commercials. Yes. Shout out to the fucking hideout. Shout out to Scott Thomas' Weird Boner Pill commercials. Yes. Shout out to the fucking Hideout. Shout out to Scottie Pippen. Shout out to Steve Kerr. Shout out to Dennis Rodman, bro. Shout out to BJ Armstrong.

Yeah. Oh, shout out to Charles Oakley. Yeah. Chokely. Chokely, bro. Shout out to fucking Steve Albini, dog. Yeah, shout out to Steve Albini. Yeah, and more important than all of that.

Shout out to Lil Durk. Shout out to Lil Durk. Shout out to Kanye West's pre-political opinions. Shout out to fake- Oh, shout out to Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Oh, shout out to my friend Megan Rother. Shout out to Barack Obama. Barack Obama. Oh, shout out to my friend Megan Rother. Shout out to you.

Oh, she's here. You didn't have to cheer, but make some noise. I mean, I fucking, you know. All right. Shout out to what's this? This guy has been trying to take a video the whole time. We got to give it to him. He's like waiting.

Who's the guy? I'm going to give you what you want. Shout out to Tom Fornelli. Where you at? Yeah, that's who. Shout out to Tom Fornelli. Where are you? I can't see. I've never seen your face. What if they all left? Oh, there he is. Shout out to Tom Fornelli. He's a shy gentleman.

Come on, make some noise. Come on. Shout out to the Sears Tower. We don't call it Willis either, bro. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all Sean Thinks It's Reality Everything. Sha-clackity! That was a HeadGum Podcast.