All Fantasy Everything - A Secret Lair (w/ Zak Toscani)

Episode Date: July 10, 2025

It's your four favorite boys: suck milk, nut milk, butt milk, and fuck milk.Guest:Zak ToscaniSupport the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, ma...ilbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 This is a HeadGum Podcast. Agent Nate Russo returns in Oracle III, Murder at the Grandview, the latest installment of the gripping Audible original series. When a reunion at an abandoned island hotel turns deadly, Russo must untangle accident from murder. But beware, something sinister lurks in the grand view's shadows. Joshua Jackson delivers a bone-chilling performance in the supernatural thriller that will keep you
Starting point is 00:00:30 on the edge of your seat. Don't let your fears take hold of you as you dive into this addictive series. Love thrillers with a paranormal twist? The entire Oracle trilogy is available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. ["The First Man"] available on Audible. Listen now on Audible. a topic chosen by the All Fantasy Everything Patreon. We are drafting a secret lair. Our guest today is Zach Tuscani.
Starting point is 00:01:09 Coming to you live. We're in a secret lair ourselves right now. Coming to you live. We are now, All Fantasy Everything is not only an audio medium, but now also a visual medium. You can watch us on JTab right now. Some of us, I'm a visual XL, XXL. What's visual XXL?
Starting point is 00:01:28 Oh, I, yeah, I do like that. Did like that. I get it too. I'm still lost in the woods. I totally got it. Oh! Double XL. Wow.
Starting point is 00:01:40 I got it before you explained it. Nah. Totally. I did. I did. That's a Hall of Fame joke. You can retire off that. You can put it in the rafters. Throw it in the red snapper.
Starting point is 00:01:50 Just your visual XXL jersey. They don't get the red snapper because it wasn't on camera. We weren't talking about it. You turned red as soon as you said red snapper. I'm red. You should not wear red shirts. You said to the bottle of liquor, I'm red.
Starting point is 00:02:04 Okay. Again, information that would have been helpful to the bottle of liquor, I'm red, okay? Again, information that would have been helpful to me yesterday. What, the red shirt thing? Yeah. But it says South Dakota, and I like wearing it. It does say South Dakota. But it will bring out red in your complexion.
Starting point is 00:02:16 I'm getting redder too. What do you think that is? I think our skin is just aging. Yeah. But you've- I'm in the sun a lot. Just in the process of talking to you just now,'ve readened up and then it went because I'm embarrassed No, then I get a big red boner
Starting point is 00:02:42 No, then I get a big red boner Isaac stop them. I am getting ready to kill it. I'm getting flushed my responsibility He's like Pinocchio wait you have a red lipstick. No, I have a flesh colored boner. These are the... I just want to get ahead of the rumors. If I would have had a Tinder profile, that would have been the first line. I get it. Threads is a buzz. Six foot five, flesh colored penis. Six foot five, boner, flesh colored. What color is it when it's soft? It's red when it's soft. I hate six five boner flesh color
Starting point is 00:03:30 It's red when it's soft my driver's license it says that I'm a donor and also what my boner color I'm a boner donor Donor flesh colored boner We're right. Are you right? You're right in my face MC boner donor dude organ donor flesh color boner catch me all alone cuz baby. I'm a loner weed stoner Currency Kroner Favorite Simpson Homer Homer when I have sex baby, I'm a moaner. Mm.
Starting point is 00:04:09 Ice cream, counter. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red.
Starting point is 00:04:15 I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red.
Starting point is 00:04:22 I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. I'm getting red. 2005, this would have been the hit of the summer. Yeah. Well, that was the summer you ghost wrote for MC Chris, right? It was me, MC Chris, MC Paul Barman. Who are some of those other white dude college rappers? What was that?
Starting point is 00:04:39 Asher Roth was- Asher Roth. What's he doing now? I probably once every three months, I listen to those two Asher Roth I thought you're right every three months. I think about where he had that college song and then he had But there was another that's car lot so Well screaming out loud screaming out loud I can't ashes young attractive awesome rapper handsome bachelor that song that's another that's his other song go deep into the catalog You guys hear about the you hear lip you did you guys?
Starting point is 00:05:10 Have you guys heard that lips got did you guys hear about what happened? You guys heard about extends and what it would do for you and your mail enhancement. They don't let me have it. That's Like if you extended it's gonna That's what I meant when I used to say it. I am an erection specialist, but I can only do so much. I have plenty of money, but I'm definitely overextending. We got a white label, some extens. Oh yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:33 White label boner. White label boner pills. White label boner pills. Did you guys hear about the white label boner pills? Asher Roth is not doing much right now. He put out an album in 2020. And we haven't really heard from him since. Yeah, I put out a rap song. Yeah, even Sean did. We were all rapping in 2020.
Starting point is 00:05:52 Fire and Ice over here, dude. What's up, Playboy? Have you produced music since then, Isaac, or was that kind of the peak? No, I had to retire because it was so good. It was so high. He got us ringing retired. No, I put out some music after that Ashraf is out here doing yoga on Instagram. What's your what's? Igloo shores on Spotify igloo shores. Yeah, you want title. I want title. Yeah, shout it out more igloo shores Yeah, it's a it's pretty depressing stuff, but I like listening to
Starting point is 00:06:20 Igloo Shores. Yeah, it's pretty depressing stuff. You sure will like listening to it. Hey, hey. I listen to plenty of depression. Is that some kind of a pun I don't understand? I just found this band Cigarettes After Sex. Holy cow, are they depressing, but they're fantastic. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:35 It's because you just killed the fans. What a real turn for their name, their title. Cigarettes After Sex, you think, oh, this is gonna be chill. Yes. I feel complete, I feel nice. I would think like a chill wave sort of situation. Yeah, yeah. That sounds more like a pre-nut clarity type of band.
Starting point is 00:06:51 What would happen? Pre-nut insanity. Pre-nut cocaine. Oh, I can't even imagine having sex and then just leaning over and lighting up a smoke in the bed. It would be insane. Their band name should be called Crackers After Jackin'. Yeah!
Starting point is 00:07:07 If it's sad music. Well you know that's what Crackers After Jackin', that's how we made them. Crackers After Jackin'. Yeah. Big pile of crushed crackers. Get your hand on your side of the couch. I'll put it over here.
Starting point is 00:07:17 Slim Jims After Masturbation. Get your claw away from me. It's my couch, dude. It's a little bit like the couch I had in my house. The post-modern one that you did not like it sucked it Did you know I just found this out recently paprika is just crushed up red Isn't that crazy David that's David's real reaction from learning that right now paprika is just crushed up red snapper Just five dudes in a room.
Starting point is 00:07:45 And where can people find the Tiscani Family Reunion merchandise? Oh, you gotta come to a live show. I thought about putting it online, but shipping and handling, those are two things I can't really handle. Oh, you don't have to handle it. It's the handling that's the bummer. Yeah, yeah. I have my shipping, I can get it to the Ukraine, but I can't get it to the US, so you have to come do a live show. It's Erefs. Yeah, exactly. It's manufactured in the Ukraine, right?
Starting point is 00:08:14 Yeah, exactly. So I can get it there, because this is there. Hey, I got another job for ya. Yeah. We're all wearing Tuscany Family Reunion hats. Except for David, but it's because I gave it to him. Yeah, on ice. It's not on ice actually.
Starting point is 00:08:31 No, it's off ice. I've never seen you wear a hat. I bet you wear like straight black folded hat. Is that what you wear? I don't wear a lot of fedoras. You never wear a hat? Yeah, you don't wear a lot of hats. I used to wear a fedora all the time actually.
Starting point is 00:08:42 Hey, you producer, rapper. Yeah, it was a bad time in my life. It was like a hold on you. It was second grade 2015 in New York was a bad time for fashion. I feel like yeah Did you ever wear suspenders? Call for them. Sorry for interrupting you know, but I mean I don't know if that's a bad look Suspenders, but I think that's a particular type of- It is in company with a vest and sneakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
Starting point is 00:09:10 It's a bad look more often than not. Yeah. Keeping a certain company. No, we all remember the guy with like- Oh, yeah. You have to go through the metal detector multiple times at the airport because you have different suspenders under different shirts
Starting point is 00:09:26 My question is when does the fordora? the fordora Explorer Does the is the fedora gonna come back around I have thought about this a lot what it's not back The door fuck are you talking? It's not back? The fedora? What the fuck are you talking about? It's not. All I'm seeing is people with fedoras looking at crazy town. I don't know where you guys are.
Starting point is 00:09:51 I can feel the redness. My thermometer's cooking again. Which by the way, I sent Sean a video. I was killing time in Queens before a house show in on Broadway. Two girls making out. I went to an Asian mall in Astoria, Queens, and they were playing crazy town in the mall. That's so funny loud And you said Sean a video I did Sean sent me a picture of his open mouth this morning. You asked for it Unprompted you oh wait. Did I do it?
Starting point is 00:10:20 It was a picture just said guess which hole this is Well my butthole as if you guess wrong, I'll show you the other one I have butthole dentata Runs in the Jordan Isaac what are you so mad about I'm not mad about anything What are you so mad about? I'm not mad about anything You remember when vagina dentata dropped it was that movie teeth But like a real middle schools, and they were like yeah vaginas can have teeth vagina There was a movie where a girl's vagina had teeth, and it would bite off dick you mean a documentary. Yeah, it's a documentary That's it. They showed us an elf glass. There was a 60utes episode where they really got into it. Yeah, Barbara Walters.
Starting point is 00:11:06 Down in deep, and Hugh Downs, which was my poor name. Yeah. It was Hugh Downs and Whitey Bulger. Whitey Bulger's a great name. Yeah, right. Whitey. That's so funny.
Starting point is 00:11:17 Mine's Charles Oakley. I like that. Yeah. It's like Oakley. Yeah. It's like, it's like Charles Oakley with the piece on him. Mine's Kavanzaneh Wallace, which is, which is rough when that actor Kavanzaneh Wallace
Starting point is 00:11:32 got on the stage, cause she was so young. She was nominated for an Oscar. How do you think I feel? Mine used to be called Jussie Smollett. Kavanzaneh, don't hurt him. Oh shit, Kavanzane, don't hurt him. Oh shit, Kavanzane. You know there's like 20 Smolets? Yeah, there's like ones who are like,
Starting point is 00:11:52 there's Journey, who's like a big actor. They were, there's a pilot from like the 90s that like eight of them are on. Imagine being the other. It's called Smolet Me Be be me I was also trying to come up with something for yeah I didn't even get there it's just the quickest thing I could get to I don't know that there's a good one no Smolet Smolets be friends Smolet them have oh Smolet them have it Smoleta be Smolet so there's a lot of them. And then Smolet. Smolet is to Algernon?
Starting point is 00:12:26 What? Ah! Oh no, I'm getting ready again. Vigo's letter to the Carpathians. Vigo's letter to the Carpathians. Vigo's letter to the Carpathians. Smolets start a family? Smolets start a family. Oh, there you go. Smolets start a family? Smolets start a family.
Starting point is 00:12:45 Oh, there you go. Smolets get together. Yes. Smolets get together. Smol business loan? Smol. Smoyle? Smol.
Starting point is 00:12:55 Smoyle? Smoyle? Smoyelettes? Smoyelettes, or it's eight kids have to become moils. Do they let kids do that? No. But that's wacky. That's the fish out of water.
Starting point is 00:13:08 For your first challenge, there's this pretzel rod covered in prosciutto. Get her off. Let's see how you offer it. Take everything else that's not Zach's dick. Sean Jordan's here. Sean Cougar, Mel and Jordan on Instagram. This is out july 10th. Is that right? Yes, sir Hell yeah, dude. Oh, yeah
Starting point is 00:13:29 tomorrow through Sunday I'll be with Blair Saki at helium comedy club Portland, Oregon and then in August Zach and I are gonna be in What Minneapolis August 15 Chicago the 16th and and we believe Madison on the 12 Madison on the 12th, perhaps Just a girl named Madison. Yeah, she's hanging out with her. We're in Chicago. You guys play the um the Lincoln Lodge the Lincoln Lodge and then Sisyphus in Minneapolis nice. Yeah, that's a fun one. They're they're both so good. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it'll be fun. I Great that's a good steak over it is kids cool man. You're going to a cabin this year. Yeah, we're going and of July. Okay. Yeah Don't come see me there come see him. Don't what's the exact address? I'll be paddle boarding I don't even know where it is. It's in Michigan. You can find it
Starting point is 00:14:17 Smell mind your own business Huh be being small minded nominded, that's better. Thanks. Then small-mind your own business. That was bad. You guys want my face to stay red? I don't know, small letters to Algernon was good. Yeah, that was great, dude.
Starting point is 00:14:35 That was the best one. Yeah. You blacked out for a second, I saw it. Is that the mouse? Wait, that was last night. Was that a mouse smart? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then he like died at the end, right?
Starting point is 00:14:44 Yeah, yeah. Flowers for Algernon. Flowers for Algernon. Oh yeah, it's not letters to Algenon? But then he like died at the end, right? Yeah, yeah. Flowers for Algenon. Flowers for Algenon. Oh yeah, it's not letters to Algenon. Oh yeah, it's not. No. Why did we have to litigate, Smell letters to Cleo! Smellest.
Starting point is 00:14:52 Smell letters to E.J. Smell letters to Smellest. Smell letters to E.J. Did you say it's Smellest? Did you say it's Smellest? No. No. Smellest.
Starting point is 00:15:00 I said why did we have to litigate it? I was right, and then now I'm wrong. Well it's cause we relitigated it. You litigated it, but then we had to to litigate it? I was right and then I now I'm wrong Well, it's good. We really get it. We don't get a little bit it but then we had to relitigate it Is it David here to David's here, too? Stop asking me I've had enough Have any yes, just try to have a meaningful life. I have no dates Mm-hmm. That's as Connie is here here. I had Zach Tuscani on Instagram.
Starting point is 00:15:27 Yes, and on the dot com. And on the dot com, ZachTuscani.com. And on my hat. And on my hat. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Mine says Chateau Marmont. It's a good hat. I like it. Is it like the Marlboro font?
Starting point is 00:15:39 I think so. Marlboro. I don't think it is. I just cut that L out. I take my time with it. I really Marlboro Marlboro Marlboro Marlboro Marlboro Ridge Marlboro Red Duke of Marlboro the Duke of Marlboro helped himself to some more Chester Shire That's your one-man show what you I think where the area is Is that sauce from England?
Starting point is 00:16:05 That's your one man show? I think the area is Worcester. Worcester? Worcester. I think. Oh yeah. When we drove by Worcester it is Worchester. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:16:15 It's crazy when you see it written out. I've played Worcester. Same. They say Worcester, free the chicken man. Go down, no you go down Providence. Worcestershire's in England, so the sauce is named after England. Okay.
Starting point is 00:16:28 Yeah, it's in the Cotswolds. The sauces? No, the Worcestershire. It's cute, dude. This doesn't look like a place a sauce would be from. What I will say is. What's that like, Buffalo? Yeah, like most sauces I feel like
Starting point is 00:16:39 are from some pretty hardscrabble places where they're like, I feel like it, right? Tabasco? What about aioli? That's gotta be from France., I feel like it, right, Tabasco? What about aioli? That's gotta be from France. That's a good question. Where's Tabasco from? Well, Tabasco's a region in Mexico.
Starting point is 00:16:50 Tabasco, Indiana. Yeah, it has to come from Tabasco, otherwise it's. Sparkling hot sauce. Sparkling hot sauce. That's my porn name. Tabasco's. Sparkling hot sauce. Sparkling hot sauce.
Starting point is 00:17:04 Ow, it hurts my porn name. Tabasco's a... Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Sparkling cross sauce? Hahahaha! Ow, it hurts! It hurts! Hahahaha! I haven't got hired yet, but like, if I ever, if I ever ink a contract, I'm...
Starting point is 00:17:14 I told you I don't like jizzing! Hahahaha! It hurts when I jizz! I'm a jizz-free performer. Hahahaha! I'm an almost-finished porn guy. Porn's first ethical jizz-free performer. Hahahaha! Hahahaha! ethical jizz-free performer.
Starting point is 00:17:25 No jizz was harmed in the filming of this point on. He's a pro-life porn actor. No souls were lost. He's a master of the dry cum. Just patch the words master to me. That would be a real, if you could master where you could experience an orgasm, but you would master over your body. You're talking about bust dry nuts?
Starting point is 00:17:55 You're talking about busting ghosts. Man, it feels like you're fucking reading my seventh grade journal. Bustology. I wish. I'm the bustologist. You had diagrammed it. You were like. That's my version of alchemy. I wish
Starting point is 00:18:08 That's my version of alchemy Paprika, maybe I could send it to a different tunnel You just cry a little bit no, it's nothing like are you calling it a tunnel one of your body tunnels Body tunnels body tunnel. Oh my body tunnel hurt what Tabasco's from Louie you know like body tunnel huh you said wolf no no his voice yeah yeah yeah yeah how do you know if you have a hemorrhoid sounds like a street joke yeah you sit on it You know why they call way most because they cost way more than you think dude I saw a few of those I've never seen Them in real life. I walked in front of one at an intersection Run me over the windshield in I go Laura get out of the car Ivan Carmel
Starting point is 00:19:01 He loves way more. I knew it. Waymo than you'd think. Waymo than you'd think. Well there's no one in there to cut him off when he's talking. That's true, he can just hold court. Is he taking him like a lot? I can't cut off Ivan Carmel. No, no you can't.
Starting point is 00:19:14 Is he taking him a lot? Well he was in San Francisco, and that was the first time he helped himself to a Waymo, and he could not get enough of it. He's told me about it four different times. The one, he just took one? Took him, no. Soon as he took one. Are they cheaper than like a way mo and he could not get enough of it He's told me about it four different times the one what he just took one took him no They are The driver can't get secondhand smoke, but they have cameras in there so you can't actually do anything. You can't beat off or anything. Sure, that's what my mind went to. Unfortunately, guys. Sorry, you can't beat off.
Starting point is 00:19:45 You can't beat off, so I guess it's just hoobers for me. You can try not to do that. Yeah, exactly. If you ghost nut, yeah, for sure. Ghost nut? Ghost like protocol? It's like when you show up and you hold it in until there's nothing comes out. It's kind of a similar concept.
Starting point is 00:20:01 Is there anything to that if you hold the weed in longer, it does more? That whole thing? I always thought you just take in more of the bad stuff I think also you're just holding your car you get kind of light-headed Yeah, that's probably okay, but it's not like you hold the hit in and then 30 seconds, and then it's gonna. Yeah, thank you higher It's not like damn 50% more returns on investment. I'm old enough that I just have more weed if I want to Yeah, that's for like we have one joint. You're not scraped by with a bolt for the week. We don't have one joint, but we have 15 roaches.
Starting point is 00:20:30 So if we just kinda take turns. Scraping the insides. All the black tar. The knife hits, dude. Those knife hits are so buck. I remember a girl who called herself the resin queen. That's not a kingdom you want to... No.
Starting point is 00:20:46 You got a ghost number. You don't want to meet the resin king. I'm sorry, I don't resonate with you right now. Where can people see you? This comes out July 10th? Yeah, like Sean said, we're going to do shows in Madison, Chicago, Minneapolis, but I'll also be in Cincinnati in November, New Orleans, September 5th at Sports Drink
Starting point is 00:21:07 and house shows all over the place. I think I'm gonna do Australia, 2026. So, I like that. Are you gonna go to the Australian Open or are you gonna time it up? Yes, exactly, exactly. You see it right through me, man. I see it right through you.
Starting point is 00:21:20 Then I'm thinking like Paris and March and. Queen. Yeah, exactly. If anyone's SW19, they're in a Wimbledon station Transparent with what I'm doing that's dope. That's how it should be. Yeah Then I'll be at the Wilson factory. Oh man I went to the Wilson store in San Jose mall no more than two days ago Is that a big Wilson store is that just a Wilson? It's a Wilson store in San Jose mall no more than two days ago. Is that a big Wilson store or is that just a Wilson store?
Starting point is 00:21:46 It's a Wilson store. Yeah. And it's in a mall so they're trying to like break into being more like fashion-y. I've seen it with Kith. Like tennis fashion is kind of coming back. What would Tom Hanks say if he was walking in the mall and saw a Wilson store? Wilson! Dunlop!
Starting point is 00:22:00 Dunlop! You gotta say store too. Store! Wilson store! Wilson store! You gotta say store too. Wilson's store. That's Wilson's last name. Wilson's leather. Sean, I like to imagine your guy, you just go to Dick's Sporting Goods and you just see that they still sell the Wilson, the volleyballs with the face paint and you're like, hey,
Starting point is 00:22:21 I like that. Do you think anybody ever finished a Wilson's the leather experts gift card no Well they just everything's $400 so what if you have two dollars You feel tennis rackets Believe it uncomfortable. I bet Queen Latifah Believe it uncomfortable. I bet Queen Latifah owns you think so leather one of those hats probably Busta Rhymes My To me like a well Kilmer maybe
Starting point is 00:22:58 With a bunch you even now pants at Wilson's yeah Because if not where they had drugger that's why I got my first poncho was at Wilson's reclaimed Leather pants where was like this used to be a Ford Aerostar interior any bow edition You got a drug rug at Wilson's yeah leather poncho no there was a leather They just had they had like whatever ponchos are made of ponchos there dude leather pants sir I guess they should be expensive, huh? How much? Let me guess, let me guess. I bet you they're hard to get off.
Starting point is 00:23:28 Okay, Wilson's Leather Uncut Pants, what do you think? What do you mean uncut? You know what I mean. They ain't got no tickle? Moyle. Wait, I need a Moyle for these pants. Two, $491. No, lower.
Starting point is 00:23:43 Oh. 385. Lower? 330. Lower. $491 no lower 385 ah Lower 330 lower 20 bucks trying to sell us the band to 75 but these are vintage Are they like shiny leather they beat up cowboy leather worry another man's legs have been in these pants My shit would be too hot in there. Oh, yeah Going to a Papa Nose wearing leather pants. Well they'd sign it over.
Starting point is 00:24:06 I gotta let them out. You just start cutting them. Here's the deed. They wash right off though. So maybe the move is to wear a whole leather outfit when you're going to somewhere really messy. What do you mean they wash? Oh like if you're like eating a meatball.
Starting point is 00:24:17 I'm wearing my bib. Hold on. I go to B-dubs dressed like Missy Elliott. Hold on let me put on my bib and you put on like a double-breasted leather suit. Big leather hazmat suit. All right, bring me the special ones. Did you ever have a Tupac leather vest face? I wanted to so bad, my friend.
Starting point is 00:24:36 What were you gonna rock under the vest? Nothing, I wanted a Carl Kaniasset, like the brown that he's got on above the rim. Probably a T-shirt. Okay. So like the brown Carl Canai vest, brown Carl Canai pants, and then like a cream colored t-shirt.
Starting point is 00:24:49 I still think that would look dope. You could do it. It's not on me. I could do it, you're right. You could do it on here. You ready to talk me out of buying some Carl Canai tonight? $525 on Carl Canai's website right now. They have a leather vest.
Starting point is 00:25:02 You gotta see this thing. That is covered in newsprint about Tupac. Turn it around. Turn it around. Tupac, I mean Tupac was the reason I knew about Carl Knot. Look at that thing. Whoa. That's nuts.
Starting point is 00:25:14 And they have the matching gloves it looks like. Whose? Are gloves cool? Have they sold even one of these? I bet you they have. Well they're out of XL so I guess so. That's an old sales tactic. It is. They know no one's buying an XL's a stupid... That's an old sales tech trick.
Starting point is 00:25:26 They know no one's buying an Excel. Only two tickets left on this flight. Yeah, exactly. Sure. A lot of people have been asking me about tickets. We still have a handful. I love those posts like, hey, still a few tickets left. Hey, it's like one of those things where you see other people do it and you go buy the, you know. When you type in Carl with a K, Canai doesn't even auto-populate. That's a bad sign
Starting point is 00:25:47 Is it a Lagerfeld which comes out? Can I get one of those vests you think? Yeah, I you get it. Oh Can I yeah Carl can tie your carl can I hockey jersey? Who's paying? $1,500 for a Carl can I leather jacket in 2025 a different? version of Sean Sean that Sean that maybe got invested in Bitcoin. Black Sean? No, no, no. I think like a Sean that like on the lark
Starting point is 00:26:15 bought some Bitcoin and like, oh, okay. A different Sean. Where they're like, he did a show where like, we're paying Bitcoin. And you're like, yeah, all right, man, whatever. You know what I mean? I guess, huh? And then like all these years later.
Starting point is 00:26:26 If anybody works for Carl Knaid. I used to see a girl who claimed she had a Bitcoin and she like forgot the thing, the password. It feels like that's a real, anyone can say that cause it's like, oh boy, that'd be frustrating. Like, yeah, you just, you know, got to roll with it. Two million to sit in there. There's some pretty fun stuff here.
Starting point is 00:26:44 What about this Tupac Shakur sitting on, okay, I can't just scroll Carl Kani's website. That's what you're doing though. Carl Kani campaign. Dana, I'm off jazz. I'm back into Tupac. Dude, if you swap jazz for Carl Kani vintage. That would.
Starting point is 00:27:02 Hey Dana, we pivoted. Sowed by the incomparable. You take out all the records and you just fill it with oversized purple denim. Happy birthday, I'm giving you all my records. I got something different for me. Dana, I got a little bit of a good news, bad news situation for you. You just slide a turntable in where the record player was like, it's still around, you know? You got one of those hats that looks like an uncircumcised penis at the top? If you were just up at midnight silent DJing in the living room. You're wearing a shirt with a bunch of war medals.
Starting point is 00:27:33 You're smoking black and milds in the house? Goddamn monologue jokes. Yeah, Ian has like postpartum depression. He thinks he's black. Yeah, we pivoted. It's a depression. He thinks he's black. Yeah, we pivoted. It's a family. He only wears colored denim. Everyone's talking to Dana.
Starting point is 00:27:50 She's like, well, we're partners. You know, it's a team. I love him. He'll prove us. Hey, we sent sickness and health, so. What's the weirdest colored denim you would wear right now? The weirdest color? Yeah. Ooh.
Starting point is 00:28:02 I could... What about like the indigo? Like a dark purpley, purpley blue? I don't think I could pull that off. I could go orange, I bet. Orange denim? What? It would look pretty cool.
Starting point is 00:28:16 Orange denim. Orange denim, a white hoodie, and some white shoes. Three orange whips. Walking in like a creamsicle? I had orange back in the day. I had orange cross colors. Remember when you had that orange hoodie? Or no, that was a yellow hoodie.
Starting point is 00:28:32 Yellow, that you didn't shut down? That would be nuts if you had a full orange jumpsuit and Ian had to be like, hey man. I wonder what's the biggest swing I could take and you guys wouldn't bring it up? Not an orange pair of pants! What about orange sweatpants? Would bring it up. Like if I wore- Not an orange pair of pants. What about orange sweatpants? Would you be like, what if I wore orange sweatpants,
Starting point is 00:28:48 black hoodie, white shoes? Would you be like, would you think that was weird? I'd say Halloween. I'd be like, call me Mr. Halloween, dude. I would for sure try that. You're almost intervening now and I didn't even do it. I could see you thinking like, how do I tell him that he shouldn't do this?
Starting point is 00:29:07 I can see. Calm your weary heart. Yeah. Blue denim, right? Blue denim? I used to have some of those too. I mean, blue denim is denim, right? No, like royal, like bright blue denim.
Starting point is 00:29:16 Oh, like a Justin Timberlake. I don't think white. I think like, but like not like white jeans. Like they have those like white carpenter pants. Yeah. You know, like those cream ones. I could, I wear, I would wear those. Cream, cream's different than white. white carpenter pants. Yeah, like those cream ones I could I wear I'm with those creams different than white. Yeah talking cream Trying to talk about denim colors over here and your minds are in the games of orange was your first pick was really
Starting point is 00:29:40 I might do it Don't look cool. No Yeah I might do it don't look cool Same fit I had turquoise no these were well no she's committing to Clemson. I don't know why you're wearing Or Syracuse I'm an orange man Max is going to Purdue or Syracuse. I already told him. Syracuse? Syracuse. Syracuse. He spells it C-O-O-Z. Did you hear about my daughter? She's going to Syracuse.
Starting point is 00:30:09 That's how they say it there. Oh, your daughter's going to Harvard? Mine's going to Syracuse or Purdue. Let me get, why you're here. I don't know why this lip, this bit isn't working, but I think it's so funny. This lip's close together, guys. I like it a lot. It's really fun for me right now. Try to talk without moving your lips now.
Starting point is 00:30:24 I went to the University of South Dakota. That's not like a big laugh. It's like when you see it, you couldn't unsee it. Probably in the sky. They had better than Ezra play, and nobody went to the show. They couldn't even give the tickets away, bro. Probably in the sky college at Dartmouth. You talk to your daughter that way.
Starting point is 00:30:47 Hey Maxine, this is how you drive a stick shift. Junior years, then you're really setting your sights on your college. Senior years, more of that seal on the deal. They say you don't need to worry about your credit, focus on your credit now. It's going to matter later, you're going to be bummed if you don't need to worry about your credit, focus on your credit now. It's gonna matter later, you're gonna be bummed if you don't. Get a credit card, pay it off on the end of everyone. Gambling problems? Kaloinyan hundred, eat two to two.
Starting point is 00:31:15 Do as I say, not as I do. Sidewalk chalk isn't just for kids, you can have fun in any age. If anyone's liking this bit, you're loving it. If you don't then you really don't. I'm sorry for running through your sprinkler. It's hot outside. How do you geographically place this person? Where does this person live? Right next door. Right next door.
Starting point is 00:31:41 Illegally. It's not technically marlmalade unless the peel's been ingratiated into the mixture. Wait, is that real? Yeah, it's true. Whoa. Okay. You know paprika's just Christian written paprika.
Starting point is 00:31:55 It's just Christian written paprika. What if the lips are out? This is more of a video bit. This is trying to steer people to the YouTube. That looks like a blow up doll. You look like a blow-up dog Do your doll lips do the Dog on the ground and crawl a little bit now put the collar on
Starting point is 00:32:30 All right P. My name is Ian Carmel at Ian Carmel on Instagram and blue sky Watch my special comfort beyond God's foresight right now on YouTube read my book t-shirt swim club available now wherever books are sold and I don't have any dates either, but I'll be around Portland this week. Or have been. I might still be there tonight. I'm in old time, friends. I exist, perpetually. I watched Interstellar the other day, so I kinda get time travel now.
Starting point is 00:32:54 I watched Interstellar the other day, and I feel like I understand time travel less than I did before. If you think about it, the whole movie is about innocence lost. I feel so lost. My innocence is gone. I want to hear you. Can you do it?
Starting point is 00:33:12 Do the note moving your lips through. I've been trying to figure it out. Use your voice! I missed it when you explained the bit. I've just been sitting here trying to- trying to pinch it together But everything you say is so different Everything you say is so different I have no idea what the fuck is going on
Starting point is 00:33:33 I'm so fucking scared I'm so scared I'm just been sitting here further and further away from you You've been trying to say other shit that doesn't connect To the shit you said before I'm just sitting here, further and further away from you. You can just say other shit that doesn't connect to the shit you said before. And then your faces just get tight. That's the only uniting.
Starting point is 00:33:53 That's the only bit. That's it. I don't think we figured out an ethos for this character yet. Well, it's Sean, so he really has to play the flag. I'll figure it out. We'll work on it tonight. We'll workshop it.
Starting point is 00:34:01 But what was, but what, I don't understand what you're doing. Orange pants. Oh, sticking out your lips is more responsible. I'm just doing. But what was... But what... I don't understand what you're doing. Orange pants. Oh, sticking out your lips is... I'm just doing lips close together and not moving them when I talk. I'm moving them as little as I can. Wait, that's the whole bed?
Starting point is 00:34:12 Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Just this guy who's like, dude, you gotta try to cough-shut the street. We all sound like Cashew is the worst of the nut-putters. He's in! Got it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:22 We're in. Perfect form. We all have to sound like what's's her name from Theridos? Oh yeah. Just one simple drop of blood. From Theridos? Theridos? Was her name Elizabeth?
Starting point is 00:34:32 Elizabeth, uh, what? Elizabeth Holmes. Elizabeth Holmes. My name's Elizabeth Holmes. She might know my father from Holmes. Didn't she purposely have a deeper voice? Yes. She tried it out.
Starting point is 00:34:40 Hey, could I have a macchiato? I would like a macchiato. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to do that. Didn't she purposely have a deeper voice? Yes. She tried it out. Hey, could I have a macchiato? I would like a nut milk macchiato.
Starting point is 00:34:52 I call it macchiato. I'll have anything with nut milk. Just a cup of nut milk, please. Actually, I'm off nut milk. I'm on foot milk. I can't believe that the genre is called nut milk. I can't believe that that made it into like grocery store. groceries you be like, excuse me. Where's your nut milk? You could say that to someone at the store and they'll tell you where it is
Starting point is 00:35:22 You just hold up your phone now say it see it. Tell me where the nut milk is. You hog. You little piglet. Where is the nut milk, you truffle pig? If the truffles were nut milk, where would they be? We're here to do this, frankly, but also to fantasy draft secret lairs, as chosen by the Patreon.
Starting point is 00:35:48 A secret lair, right? A secret lair. Yeah, we're not drafting like different. We're not doing like, this is Dr. Evil's. We're putting together a secret lair. We're drafting the qualities of a secret lair. And the way we determine the order of that draft is with a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors,
Starting point is 00:36:03 play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot now. What the hell was that? Oh wait shit The game we played in elementary school basically where I caught It's called but milk milk milk or suck milk Suck milk? Suck milk? God! That's your version of Schutze and Ladder. Suck milk takes out nut milk. Everyone knows that.
Starting point is 00:36:30 That's the grossest pairing of words you get, I think. Suck milk? If you go to Erewan, they have a whole aisle for you. Suck milk is awful. Milk's already not a dope word. Suck milk is real bad. suck milk is a pretty bug word too Everyone of us has done it everyone here is sucked milk. Yeah, I like milk. Help me I will bleed I used to bring milk home and you'd make fun of me. Yeah
Starting point is 00:36:55 I'm gonna get you a glass of milk is a in adult I'm just gonna go to the store Get a gallon of suck milk I would drink it out of the car out of the gallon at the crib But yeah, I like milk man in the heat I bet you do Hard day of work yeah Which one of you dickheads took my milk I like it room temp
Starting point is 00:37:17 It goes down better. You got a microwave. I need to heat up my milk Can I heat up my milk? laughter They'd kick you out of any hotel for that. I can use a little nappy wappy Can I heat up my milk in your microwave? And we throw on shoot, alright Butt milk, suck milk, nut milk Shoot!
Starting point is 00:37:36 Suck me baby! David wins! One suck milk and two nut milks That suck milk would normally win But there were two butt milks So it's an unnatural suck milk I Suck milk would normally win So it's an unnatural suck David as the winner of suck milk but milk milk isn't coming upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that I will remind you It is a serpentine draft. What is that? It's a great question
Starting point is 00:38:02 It's like a skater in the 70s weaving through the cones What is that? That's a great question. It's like a skater in the 70s weaving through the cones. What color pants is he wearing? He ain't wearing pants, high shorts. Okay. His denim blends into the cones. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:12 Can you even buy orange jeans? You can buy orange jeans. Okay. Look at how dope those look. Well, on the internet, of course. Dickies times men, or Dickie men's by Harley Davidson collaboration. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:38:24 Not those, those are not what I'm talking about. Are the Harley Davidson's the Dickie men's by Harley Davidson collaboration. Mm-hmm Those are not what I'm talking about. Are the Harley Davidson's the Dickie men? Wait, I don't understand what you said. Dickies are like like HVAC workers and stuff I mean skate like Dickies are popular again, but I don't want to get stuck on this To make those like those waterproof pants. Do you remember that as a busboy? Those were huge? Oh Yeah Those waterproof pants, do you remember that? As a busboy, those were huge. They were like stain repellent? They would just slick off, yeah. I wore Dickies for days when I was a kid. I loved them.
Starting point is 00:38:50 That all blue Dickie suit. Basically what it means is you go fourth in the first round and first in the second round. If you pick butt milk in the first round, you go nut milk in the second round. But you can't go butts to nut milk. If you go nuts for butt milk, you go butts for nut milk. That's true, though.
Starting point is 00:39:04 Yeah, that's true. You saw that. That was the sequel to Flowers for Algernon. Butts for nut milk. But butts for nut milk, that's true. Yeah, that's true. You saw that How do you know it's changed man It's just different now. I'll do none used to be some way nuts a different way that rat got smart and he started doing weird The new album by Red Hot Chili Peppers. I always hated that song, Suck My Kiss, and I was like, that's so gross sounding. I heard that song, Lick It Up, by Kiss the other day. You ever listen to it?
Starting point is 00:39:37 No. Turns out. Listen to the lyrics. It's about licking. If you want to get bummed out, listen to those lyrics. I don't think there's any, where did it come up? When did you hear it? I was with Randy and Jason's car,
Starting point is 00:39:46 and they played it in the car. Oh, there you go. And then we went to the bar that I saw from afar. Sit by the clay, eat some hay. I just made. What would he want her to be? Suck. Not milk, but milk, fuck milk.
Starting point is 00:40:03 Oh, I'm fuck milk. This sounds like one of Shane's freestyles. It does. When he goes, fuck, tits and fuck and milk my butt. Hey, have you ever noticed if you're renting a movie and you rent much ado about nothing, but you could also rent everything everywhere all the time, it's the same price.
Starting point is 00:40:23 Oh, genius. Why does much do about nothing? And then everything everywhere, much and everything should be different prices. How do people not get this? Now for everybody just listening, that wasn't Shane. He's not actually here. That was Ian. Spot on.
Starting point is 00:40:43 And also, but that, and Zach. Zach too. He's not actually here. That was Ian. Spot on. Mm-hmm. And also, and Zach. Zach too. Zach did it. Yeah. Zach did it. Zach did it, Shane. He brought it up, man. What am I supposed to do?
Starting point is 00:40:55 Big trouble in little China. I feel like I'm losing my Shane. Big trouble, big trouble. Yeah, he's a little careful. Because he's going to the gym a lot now. Yeah. I'm gonna have to... We've been watching his punching bags and we're all getting nervous.
Starting point is 00:41:08 Hey, hey, hey... I'll work on it on the break. We'll be right back. With new McValue and McDonald's, you get more than you expect. So after a long day, buy a double cheeseburger and add a McChicken for a dollar. Because saving with deals is always on the menu with new McValue. Prices and participation may vary. Valid for item of equal or lesser value.
Starting point is 00:41:29 This episode of All Fantasy, everything is brought to you by Factor. Now summer's here, news to nobody. Just look outside, you're gonna see it's summertime. Means there's more sun, there's more light, there's more time to get outside. You wanna do stuff, you wanna make summer special, you wanna create those memories.
Starting point is 00:41:43 One thing that I don't want to create memories for is standing in a grocery store all day. You know, I don't want to stand in the kitchen all day. I don't even know what I'm doing most of the time. I don't want to be doing all that stuff. I don't want to be looking for cumin in the grocery store. I don't know where it's at. I want to be out doing stuff.
Starting point is 00:41:58 I want to learn how to, how to nollie heel flip again. I maybe forgot in the last month or two. And that is where Factor comes in. Factor's chef crafted, dietitian approved meals. They're ready in just two minutes. Two minutes, taking the hassle out of eating and you get straight to the enjoyment. They're fresh, ready to eat.
Starting point is 00:42:15 They come in this nice little package. You just unpack it, get it on the fridge, stack it up, looks fun. It looks cool in the fridge. It's a big deal for me. I don't know if it matters to anybody else, but just the packaging alone looks awesome. And then they have anything that you're gonna need anything to suit what you're looking for They got you know on-the-go lunches. They got breakfast. They got premium dinners. I'm talking
Starting point is 00:42:36 asparagus grilled chicken stuff that makes me feel like I'm like my star has a Michelin house a Michelin star Like my house has a Michelin star. That's how excited I get when I talk about Factor. They got guilt free snacks, they got desserts. So it's not just stuff that's gonna make you think that you don't get any breaks. They got desserts, they got you covered. They got everything you want. You just enjoy the summer.
Starting point is 00:42:58 I love it. Like when we get our shipments of Factor, Laura can pick one, I can pick one, we'll make them and then we'll sit down. And it's like we're having a gourmet dinner that neither one of us had to cook or prepare. It's all right there for us. They got the juices, the pineapple juice is my favorite, but give it a shot.
Starting point is 00:43:14 Try them, get started at factormeals.com slash allfantasy50off and use code allfantasy50off to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. That's code ALLFANTASY50OFF at factormeals.com slash ALLFANTASY50OFF for 50% off plus free shipping. factormeals.com slash ALLFANTASY50OFF. And we're back, welcome back to ALLFANTASY Everything.
Starting point is 00:43:41 Wait, wait, hold on. And we're back, welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. I don't know what happened. Cost the same as all fantasy nothing. You're a father now. I'm a father. Why does All Fantasy Everything cost the same as? All fantasy nothing?
Starting point is 00:43:57 Yeah, none fantasy nothing. The draft is a secret lair. David Bowie has the first pick. David? Oh, it's time? Yeah. The draft is a secret lair. David Bowie has the first pick. David? Oh, it's time? Yeah. A yearly martial arts tournament to the death.
Starting point is 00:44:12 Hold on. Wow. Like a kumite. Happens and that's happening in your secret lair. At my lair. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. You know I just watched Bloodsport two weeks ago?
Starting point is 00:44:23 I've never heard, I've never known a time that that's not the case That's true. It's so good. You have to do that. You know how in America. You're never more than five miles away from Never more than two weeks away from a Bloodsport. Yeah Laura that's the first thing you need to know about me What do you think is the longest you've gone without seeing Bloodsport less than a year more than a year more than a year no I've watched it once a year, more than a year? More than a year. No, I watch it once a year for sure. You're like, it's time to take my medication. And you put it in.
Starting point is 00:44:48 All right, I gotta go calm down. Go watch Van Damme. Doctor's orders. Watch Van Damme and Chun Li go at it. I don't always watch it in its entirety, but. What does the winner get? Freedom? My loyalty.
Starting point is 00:44:59 Oh. Does everyone who die lose? The one person? Everyone who loses. Oh, everyone who loses dies. So if you die lose? To one person? Everyone who lose dies. Oh wait, everyone who lose dies. So if you die, didn't you lose? You sounded like a six year old.
Starting point is 00:45:13 Does everyone who die lose? Wait! Max, when she sees it but she's like, there's a died bug outside. That's what you sound like. You know, I had a rather queer thought this morning curious query yeah she'll say that are killed she'll be like there's a killed there's a killed spider there's an unalive fly outside does everyone who
Starting point is 00:45:36 loses does everyone who loses die yes wow in your kumite that's what I Take the comment a drive Come my lady You're my kumite The winner would have to get something pretty substantial. Yeah, I mean you get to keep breathing or something He's the best of all time. I'm not worried about the semantics. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Do you have to retain your crown? Do you fight again the next year? I don't fight ever. I'm getting grapes fed. You're just the overlord.
Starting point is 00:46:08 Yeah. Are there rules? Frozen grapes? There ain't rules to the fight. No rules, just right. Okay. Oh, outback rules. You don't have any rules?
Starting point is 00:46:15 You can thumb in the eyeballs, rip off the bad dude. You're a great fighter, rip off the bad dude. I like how you're like, it's fight to the death, but come on guys, honestly, eye gouging? Are we being serious Geez is it a naked fighter we got biker shorts when I'm I fighting then Going for the dick would be such a funny thing if one guy came out Well if you're like right you right, you guys gotta fight,
Starting point is 00:46:45 but the only move you can do is. It's a dick pool contest. JMO? Right, it's like the dudes. JMO? The dudes in the beat it video, they're like having the knife fight, but they're attached to the wrist.
Starting point is 00:46:57 You're doing it with bad people. Wouldn't it be so much funnier in that video if they were J-ing each other? Or you put, like their hands are tied up top. And then, Oh! Da da da da, da da da. I do this for money.
Starting point is 00:47:12 It's like jousting, but they put little like, knives at the end of their penises and run at each other. Oh, like seven. Yeah. But they have to run with their arms at their waist? Yeah. So their arms don't hit?
Starting point is 00:47:22 Yeah. They have to penguin run at each other. Ow, like that. We need you guys to waddle at each other as fast as you can with big knife dicks. So like, your fight to the death tournament we've decided is. Well it's not a medieval, it's a fight,
Starting point is 00:47:37 they can do whatever discipline. I get them from cross disciplines. Okay, so it's a cross discipline. And like different people, some are cops, some are orphans, some are girls. Yeah. And this is in your lair for your entertainment. One of them's a Goro.
Starting point is 00:47:50 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A hundred girls versus one guy. Otherworldly beings. Like a Shang Tsung. Yeah. Was Blanca from another world? It's from Brazil. Yeah, it is a different world.
Starting point is 00:48:01 Oh yeah. No, but he wasn't, it was an accident. You know what's crazy? It was a BBL accident. Blanca had a bad ass. Brazil yeah, it is a different. Oh, yeah, no, but he wasn't it like it was an accident BBL got a BBL and then lightning struck the machine he got a BBL and then he got a staph infection I didn't get it treated every time he squats BBL Blanca yeah every time he squats that's why he gets electric He was though he was like a secret village care, right? Yeah, I think I'd been the jungle and the villagers only know about him or something. Oh, so he's like a samsquatch
Starting point is 00:48:34 He's like that like a Sasquatch like a Brazilian Sasquatch. That's how they say in trailer park boys It's a picture of this woman named Bianca on Ian's computer Hold on, what are you looking up? It's a picture of this woman named Bianca on Ian's computer. No! Oh! Oh, it says Bianca. Her name is Blanca. Okay, alright. I thought it said Bianca.
Starting point is 00:48:50 I thought it was some hot girl named Bianca. He's just AOL texting another woman. Forget these guys. What am I up to? Not fucking nothing. I'm not talking to Bianca, that's what I'm not doing. She doesn't live in Rio anymore. ASL. Fucking nothing. I'm not talking to Bianca. That's what I'm not doing. She doesn't live in Rio any
Starting point is 00:49:12 Come on show me the longest Street Fighter you got to type it. I want to high school with a girl named Blanca Really? Mm-hmm. It'd be a weird thing to lie about. Oh, I said with a K. Mm-hmm. Yeah Okay, he's not real look at Isaac So the kumite you're just sitting as so like you invite do you like curate it you invite the people yeah And it's it's it's it's very prestigious. So at this point It's like I'm almost fed a lot of different people I'm giving tapes. So you're kind of scouting all year. You're like you got your ear to the streets The the there's one end of my criminal empire that they just go out and do that
Starting point is 00:49:55 But then there's like a lot of fighters who are like I sent my fight video to David But and I checked and he said he watched it, but there's zero views. Yeah They're like there's no proof To like festivals or people where they're like, yeah, send it, we'll watch it. And I've looked at them, like two views. You just send videos to random people on your email. Hey Jen.
Starting point is 00:50:13 You should just start airdropping people your stand-up set. That's what you, yeah. Just on a plane? There's a lot of different stories about where Blanca comes from. Some are he consumed chlorophyll in the jungle. Another is his plane crashed when he was a boy
Starting point is 00:50:27 and he got electrified by electric eels. Okay. Which doesn't make any sense. Oh, it just kill you. Yeah. Yeah, there's no like radioactive names. Well drinking chlorophyll. Why'd you turn green, yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:35 I could go drink chlorophyll, right? Nobody says nothing from Capcom. Capcom, this is Capcom. This is from Capcom. Capcom says that they don't even know. How true is it that you can just doctor up a wiki page? People always say like, oh you can put whatever you want on wiki. Could you change that?
Starting point is 00:50:49 Yeah, but it's peer-reviewed I think by like editors and whatnot. Okay, so you could go in there and just put like, you know, a bunch of inaccurate sex stuff for example. Blanca's actually a dry comer. No, I just, I was keeping it. Blanca's finishing move is the dry cum. The drum, dude. All right, Kumite.
Starting point is 00:51:10 Zach, time for your first pick? How do you spell Kumite? All right. K-U-M-I-T-E with a thing on it. Okay. So I am gonna pick a security system where if I get raided by the feds, it plays the national anthem, so they have to stop.
Starting point is 00:51:25 And I get away. Oh, because they're fed. Yeah, exactly. Oh, so they have to stop, take their hats off, and find, you can have a bunch of flags around for them. All I need is 45 seconds. That's all I need. One mic and 45 seconds.
Starting point is 00:51:37 Are you gonna like, is it like a real long drawn out one? Yeah, yeah. Like one of those where someone really makes a meal out of it? Like Whitney Houston singing it? Or you might stop if it's Whitney Houston. That's true. Yeah. Yeah, I just be like you get swept up in the moment Yeah, yeah, I do want to dance with somebody You want to go to jail But yeah, I just find that you know what what brought this pic on was I went to my
Starting point is 00:52:04 Nephew's Little League game and I tried to order hot dogs during the National Anthem and it was not well received. They played the National Anthem at a Little League? Yeah, yeah. And you tried to buy products? I mean, I figured no one's in line. It's a-
Starting point is 00:52:17 It's a good time. Yeah, exactly. Zig when people are zaggy, but they- So what, so did they really not sell you products? Yeah, they were like, not right now. So did you just stand there the minute and then we're like, okay now Yeah, exactly There wasn't even a flag people were everyone was like facing different directions
Starting point is 00:52:32 Usually the hot dog vendor isn't standing on business like that. Well, it's a snack shop. Oh They don't have money for vendors. Was it a mom and a dad? Mom, I think yeah, I think it was like they switch every week, you know who runs the snack shop Did the guy have like one of those t-shirts with an American flag on the sleeve no, but it felt okay Spiritually he did the black and gray American flag another one. Yeah Yeah, exactly. I don't know how I feel about the flag, but you are also disrespecting Yeah, I thought about that like it's so weird to have that so it has to be a dude has jacked off Wearing a flag,
Starting point is 00:53:05 one of those American flag T-shirts. So is that, sorry this episode's so sexual, but this is a question I've had. It's billowing, you know what I mean? While you're like jacking off and it's kind of weird. I think you're giving yourself a little too much credit over here. This is not me. This is a big dick.
Starting point is 00:53:22 You know like if you're just baboomin'. This is a big dick American patriot. Oh like if you're just baboomin'. This is a big dick American patriot. Oh, mine's like a straw for kids. Yeah. Yeah. Do that to the next AC, like, aren't you a big American patriot? I'm doing it like this. So like... Can I get a hot dog?
Starting point is 00:53:38 I'm just saying, these guys respect the flag so much, but they're making it wave by jacking off. Or is that the ultimate sign of respect? Oh, yeah, because it's waving in shirts on a couple fallen soldiers for a couple I've never I've never masturbated but I get The odds I've checked off with my shirt on yeah all the time you most of the time Yeah, really I'm gonna take my shirt off at a store make it What are you?
Starting point is 00:54:01 I'm not gonna take my shirt off at a store. I make it. What are you, late night ride? I'm in the corner of a Barnes and Noble for God's sake. I'm in the middle section of a boarder. No shirt, no shoes, no service. Yeah, come on. That includes yourself. Yeah, I don't wanna call it.
Starting point is 00:54:15 No smunk, no punks, no hunks. Is it no smunk, no punks, no hunks? No bonks, no hunks. No twinks. National Anthem Security System is great. Yeah, no honks. No twinks. National Anthem security system is great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick. Getaway one person submarine.
Starting point is 00:54:32 Damn it! Everybody listening, Ian's ocean game. Ian just stubbed his toe. So, another coffee table. No! I was like, why are there so many coffee tables in this studio? That was stupid. We're doing video recording, but it's kind of more like a radio show. Oh, another coffee table. Oh, Isaac, why are there so many coffee tables in the studio? That was stupid.
Starting point is 00:54:46 We're doing video recording, but it's kind of more like a radio show. Yeah. This is so like. And then Sean, before he made his pick, walked through the gravel. Grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr. And opened the door.
Starting point is 00:55:00 Is that a horse? Grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr. Grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr. Grrr, grrr, grrr, grrr. I forgot that they were metal. Is that a horse? What is that a metal horse? And then he shook hands with a robot No, it's a glass horse Alright, anyway So there's a glass horse. Yeah. All right. Anyway. Nah. So there's a trap door.
Starting point is 00:55:28 Ah, fuck this shit. I decided we're done doing it. There's a trap door and I drop down and I just get into my one person submarine and I'm out of there like a light, baby. Yeah. Dastardly. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:41 Dastardly when I do it. Into what body of water? That's a good question. The Indian Ocean, I think. I think I'm up there. Good point. How are you gonna get all those cans of corn? For sure you got a lot of corn in here. Yeah, you got it stockpiled.
Starting point is 00:55:56 You mean all these glass cans? Glass cans of corn? Jars? You mean all these candles? Glass cans. Where's all the glass cans at? He means fragile boobs. Jars He means fragile boobs She was perfect she was beautiful, but she had glass It's cheaper saline even All right, I made a cost-effective move. I thought people wouldn't notice
Starting point is 00:56:29 Now it's like fine China in there. Okay, thank you. Yeah, so it's a one-person submarine I like how you give up on a bit so quickly. It's not working. I'm done That's that's the bit wrapped in a bit you see when you said fine China I was thinking about if China was spelled with the Y Or black China more black China, yeah. Mm-hmm fine black black and fine Either way, it's China, baby It's way more black than you think a lot finer
Starting point is 00:57:14 And so yeah, then it's a pretty fast suffering, you know, they don't call it Chinese food in China It's called food, I believe the coming century will be defined by black soul food from China You know about soul food, right I Sure do Food solar food, you know what one of my favorite videos is is watching watching like Americans going to China and speaking fluent Like holy shit. And then they'll hook it up. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:49 I'm not gonna do any impressions of the video. No, no. So the sub... I'm out of there before any radar can kind of pick me up, so like I'm gone. Is it the Ocean Gate sub?
Starting point is 00:58:00 No. Your dad, dude. Do that again. That was good. Sayonara. They brought you onto CNN. Well basically what happened was And then it just cuts to James Gaines. You're like that dude Kai that was talking about
Starting point is 00:58:16 killing that hitchhiker. Remember that guy? So I just came up, whoo-whack, dude. Whoo-whap, right on the back of the head. Oh, the guy with the hatchet? The guy with the hatchet that was talking about killing. You remember that? The news interviewed this guy, like what happened? And he just goes on this, the guy's name was Kai. Was he describing like a murder he saw?
Starting point is 00:58:32 How he killed a guy. Why did he kill a guy? Because they were, like some hitchhiker was like a costing, he was the hitchhiker. Oh, he was the hitchhiker. Yeah. And he saw like a guy, a woman or something. So he walked up and I can't believe you don't remember this
Starting point is 00:58:44 cause he's like, I hit him with this hatchet dude, wham, wham, wham bro. Damn. And then there's a documentary. Cause if you go figure out that guy had a checkered pass. I love that one. Who the dreadlocked hitchhiker that killed a guy with a hatchet.
Starting point is 00:58:59 Can you believe it? The man weeding a hatchet. Say it ain't so. Yeah. Well submarine, I stole your idea? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, uh-huh, yeah. Totally.
Starting point is 00:59:09 Yeah. You could draft a smaller Whacker submarine. I can't draft a bigger cooler submarine. I'm gonna draft a smaller Whacker. You have everything at your disposal. Okay, you know what? A fucking five person submarine. Now what would you do if I did that?
Starting point is 00:59:23 I think it was funny. I think I like it. I'm not actually taking that. Maybe I will later though. With my first pic, in a volcano. Yeah. Always saw that in movies, it seemed cool. You're quite mag-man-a-mus.
Starting point is 00:59:38 I am mag-ma-ma-mus. David Mag-man-a-mus. David Mamet's gone all like far right. Have you seen that? Magma man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man, man. Yeah. We, what was I gonna, oh the volcano. When you got to the top, you know, I had to hike Mount St. Helens last year, no big deal, stop on the block for your boy. Right. But you get to the top and like looking in a volcano is pretty buck, we're just like it.
Starting point is 01:00:16 And then there's like another little. Did you feel sexual? Did you spit? I've done a few things where I got to the top and just felt like I don't really have a ton of testosterone and you can like feel the surge. Yeah, where I'm just like I do feel sexual up here. You should get on top more Man see I should you're right. I felt the surge. Yeah, I didn't feel the splurge. No, I didn't beat off Probably not but do you think anyone's beat off at the top of Everest?
Starting point is 01:00:46 Oh, I bet you're a little cached at that point. No, I think it's too cold up there. We gotta heat it up, brother. I think you're just a little out of breath. What's the coldest you can get a boner? We have to Google two things. What's the temperature on the top of Everest and how cold can it be before you can't jack it?
Starting point is 01:01:01 Let me guess, let me guess. Also not in thin air. Oof, negative 35 to negative 55 degrees. Actual degrees, huh? Christ almighty. And how cold can it be before you can't jack off? Let me guess. Also not in thin air. Oof, negative 35 to negative 55 degrees. Actual degrees. Christ almighty. Oh yeah. Actual degrees.
Starting point is 01:01:11 It's hard to jack off up there. Holy cow. And I mean back home it gets to like negative 10, and you know I do that outside all the time. No, you get sick almost. You go outside and you can just feel a little tummy ache. Yeah. No, I don't like that cold weather.
Starting point is 01:01:23 So it's a volcano. I can't jack off over a tummy ache. Yeah. No, I don't like that cold weather. So it's a volcano Like it's jack off over Tony me ache. It's your traditional cinder cone volcano Yeah, and at the end has it you said it like it's your traditional traditional cinder cone volcano and the top it slides and that's where my either helicopter or Osprey land are you picking two things? or uh Osprey are you picking two things? Think that's no well, I mean I was gonna the volcano it's an is that does that count as a pic?
Starting point is 01:01:51 Did I just do a pic you don't have another minute right now? Still on the board. I'm gonna take it later wait, but you just get a helicopter Okay, I'll make my pick. Okay. Make my pick. Yeah, all right, so Helicopter pick, yeah. Damn, that would be my next pick. So, it's a helicopter. Yeah. Yeah. Helicopter, and it lands in there. What do you think, a Chinook? I think I have a Chinook.
Starting point is 01:02:11 One of those helicopters. I think I have a fleet of helicopters. Don't they make helicopters now that can like, they don't have to do this. They can just take off like a plane almost. Probably. That's sick. Yeah. Get one of those.
Starting point is 01:02:22 Can I come in it? No. It's too cold. Mr. One person submarine. Yeah I didn't leave any room No, you can't get my helicopter dude, sorry they can't in the shop again Come get me dude. I've only got my water. Sorry No, dude that oh man just y'all can to the volcano. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah helicopter into the volcano. Damn it Hopacopter hop a copter Sean time for your second pick, which is probably shitty cuz it can't be helicopter a gigantic fancy snake
Starting point is 01:02:55 Like a big like a talk me through a fight like a gigantic like a study anaconda or a python like I'm like an albino python sure me like, anaconda or a python. Like an albino python? Sure, like with a terrarium or whatever the size of this room. What's a not fancy snake? Like a little corn snake that a weed dealer has or something. Like a garden snake? You know those, well, I'm like, you wouldn't have a garter snake for a pet, but like, you know those little tiny, new-name.
Starting point is 01:03:19 You wouldn't. Ian, let me stop you right there. Hey, hey, fuck you. Amateur snake guy over here. Garter snakes aren't pets, dude. You're quite the troglodyte about snakes. Ian, let me stop you right there. Hey, hey, fuck you. Amateur snake guy over here. You're quite the troglodyte about snakes, so... You uneducated swine.
Starting point is 01:03:34 Up steps an amateur. A corn snake. They would laugh you out of snake conventions. They would laugh you out! They wouldn't even let you in the door. I went to a reptile. I bet you did. What was his name? His name was Jason is pretty cool Cool guy. Where was it landlocked the reptile convention? Yeah, it was in Portland. It was the expo center. Yeah nice. Yeah There's something like this
Starting point is 01:04:03 You're just like a big gecko I wore my Carl Canai leather snake outfit If you are leather pants and a leather vest with no shirt underneath to it to a reptile convention I get my tongue split like one of those weirdos. Do you think you would be received as a leader of men? Just show no I'm the land of snakes. He's alone at a reptile convention. I know but at the rept green leather. He's alone at a reptile convention. I know, but at the reptile convention. You're never alone at a reptile convention.
Starting point is 01:04:28 Everyone's nice, dude. It's like an ICP show. You don't think I keep that lizard on me? I walk in, I go, family, his, his. I think if you walked into a reptile convention, and you were wearing matching leather pants in a leather vest with no shirt on underneath, and you started calling shots, I think people
Starting point is 01:04:44 would fall in line pretty quick okay I'm looking up reptile expo fit I dress like reptile from Mortal Kombat though and then I but then I wear like a snake tongue I think they would think you were making fun of them no I wouldn't be that from the Mortal Kombat you they would think you're making fun whereas if you just went in with a leather fit what about snakeskin how are snakeskin pants going over? This is not good. Whoa!
Starting point is 01:05:08 They died at a old age, I swear. Yeah, these are natural snakes. These are my old pets. You have leather of consent. And I used every part of the snake. I'm holding this fine. I swear to God, this shirt says, biggest slut at the NYC Metro reptile expo.
Starting point is 01:05:21 You gotta get that, dude. You have to get that. Let me see it. Dude, they have it in a tank. Oh my God. We can do it on Bronkers Podcast. That'd be so great. We all gotta wear it.
Starting point is 01:05:34 All up to this weekend. All up to a reptile convention? Yeah. Oh, so you're trying to get laid? Yeah, exactly. It's been a while. I thought you and Lisa broke up. A reptile.
Starting point is 01:05:43 I'll probably run into her at the combo, but I gotta go. I mean, I can't knock her, she ain't gonna run me out of my town. She's pretty much the biggest slut at the moment. I believe in lizard people, but they're mostly sluts. Well, what would you guys do if I got my tongue pierced like a snake? It wouldn't affect me at all. Everything else is the same? Yes, everything else is the same, and then you just find out one day.
Starting point is 01:06:04 It would affect you Do you do it you did it? You'd have to be so weird it out Do you do you do you do you highlight it? Do you do it? No? I just operate like I do but you just you figure it out a lot easier to say a betha Yeah, and then you're like how long and when did you do that? I'm like, I don't know six years ago You offer code all fantasy everything To split your tongue Five million dollars, that's yeah, that's a good amount
Starting point is 01:06:34 I bet you do it for less money on the table. Yeah, what do you think I would do it for? How well do you know one one dollars got a sign off on it? Not for say just for like million $2 million Laura can't know. So you just have to show up, but you get $2 million. That makes the price more. 50 grand. 10 million. And she can't, God she- 50 grand Laura can't know.
Starting point is 01:06:52 How bummed would you be if Dana fucking had a snake tongue? 50 grand on the table. It would be crazy. How bummed? $50,000? On the table. You asked him that in his way. $50,000 grand is on that table. Ian George Carmel. I'm just saying.
Starting point is 01:07:04 No. 50 grand. Snake tongue? 70 table. Ian George Kermil. I'm just saying. No. 50 grand. Snake tongue? 70 grand. Isaac, come get your boy. I'm on your side, Sean. Would you do it for $50,000? No, absolutely not.
Starting point is 01:07:12 What about snake nipples? Snake nipples? You got more nipples added? Hey, I want one of four nipples, bro. Can you snake tongue them? Isaac, snake nipples leave. You mean suck milk? Suck milk.
Starting point is 01:07:24 Snake my nipples, four times the milk. Well, I'm a snake. You mean suck milk? Suck milk. Snake my nipples four times the milk. Well I'm a snake and you milk me. What? Does anybody else feel drunk? Yeah. Yeah. This episode is a fever dream. I thought this was a beer, it's an apple beer.
Starting point is 01:07:37 Yeah, exactly. What is that? It's like apple juice pretty much. Oh, is it not alcohol? No. Alcohol free. Lucky I didn't break your face when I found out. They're ciders, it's like apple juice's like you want me to go get you a beer
Starting point is 01:07:48 Well, not if you're gonna say it like that. I'm asking I'm offering I'd love does anyone want beverages. Yeah, okay, maybe a snack Thanks, buddy. I'm worried about being Zack just a story or if you guys have it I'm just kidding. I'll take a braay full of Tom Collins while you're at it. Okay, second pick. I'm picking a scientific or genetically altered assistant. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You need some kind of creation that's a little dumber than you,
Starting point is 01:08:18 but you keep them around, you know? You talk down to it. Exactly. Is this like an Island of Dr. Moreau? Is it like half-person, half-Kamodo dragon? Yeah, I feel like it could be it. Is that island of dr. Moreau is that like half person half Komodo dragon? Yeah, I feel like it could be what that was in Merrill animal combo stuff like that. Well. They were like weird They were like splices. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's creepy dude Brando sitting being carried the whole time
Starting point is 01:08:40 It's a yeah, there's a lot of behind the scenes of that movie, too Yeah, didn't people go crazy people went crazy Brando was using an earpiece to get lines But then it would get interrupted by radio frequency so really being a scene He'd like whether today is 70 degrees and they're like no, that's not the line Marlin Marlin Marlin, obviously, that's not the line Marlin What do you think he'd be so busy you kept calling him Marlin Marlin I does that have to do with your alligator man? What do you think he'd be so busy if you kept calling him Marlon Marlon? Marlon, I'm in the laboratory. What's like me where his friends call him Brando. Oh Yeah, maybe we'll call him Marlon Marlowe dude man
Starting point is 01:09:16 Thanks, buddy. Thank you appreciate how he I think they call him Keenan ivory Keenan ivory Brando I call him Keenan Ivory. Keenan Ivory Brando? Would it be funny? Would it be funny if Marlon Brando had a brother named Keenan and Keenan Ivory Brando and Marlon Brando and they're at the White Chicks premiere and it's like that's Spider-Man theme. They protested for First Nation people. That's the weirdest bit ever. Keen and Ivory Brando.
Starting point is 01:09:52 That's the weirdest bit ever. Oh my gosh. Wear that shirt at a reptile convention. The Florida Keen and Ivory's? Genetically alternate system. Do you have one in mind? Do you have a... I feel like you'd want to, like,
Starting point is 01:10:10 put a human brain in an animal. I like that. Yeah, but it's gotta be ugly too, so it can't run away and find love. Exactly, exactly. I'm the only thing that would care for it. Are you cruel to it? Or are you cruel and then loving? Is it emotionally abusive? a little sweet and sour?
Starting point is 01:10:26 Yeah, a little duality. Yeah, it's like if it's gonna fuck up because it's dumb Yeah, I didn't I didn't creep. I didn't do it right and you're like Lionel you fool. Yeah No more suck milk That's all Lionel gets to eat it's just all the suck milk! That's all Lionel gets to eat is just pull the suck milk once a day. You want to pull a suck milk? Lionel, Merry Christmas, there's a berry in your suck milk. Choo-choo Lionel. I've put a blackberry in your suck milk Lionel, happy holidays.
Starting point is 01:10:58 We're about 200 feet from the summit. I would recommend everyone takes a stop down, has some suck milk. Because this next part... It's arduous. This is where we find out what you made of. You see the summit is right up there. It's arduous, to say the least. Do you have time for your second and third suck milks? Acrimonious.
Starting point is 01:11:16 A clone fighting force. Oh, man. Yeah, a fighting force full of clones, and then, you know, it doesn't have to be me who are you cloning maybe the winner of the tournament who you cloning are you dying them David where you getting them clones I want her though yeah she's still I bet she walks among us. Oh, yeah Yeah, also he never answered she's just left on the is dying him. He's not dying. He's dying him He didn't have the plug like that to get special color ways. Sorry. I mean that's on my group. Mm-hmm
Starting point is 01:11:56 He looks not the person that was getting the shoes out of that rap group. I'll tell you what I think the ticks got you may have been given them by the Key lime greens Well, I have go talk to Quinnibie or whatever his name is Courtney B was his name Courtney B. He won If you if you would be the one who knows you always know when Sean stroke stroke it out because he just starts naming st. Luna ticks Murphy Lee Okay, I'm okay. I'm okay. Is there a doctor here first class at next of Anna white
Starting point is 01:12:30 Weapon like are they both staff swords guns? I think about the guns. I think it's gone. Yeah, how many? Because you got a fee to clone how many people are in a battalion. That's a good good. What is it like regiment? Platoon battalion my get the general on the horn right now? Yeah exactly. Wow. This is important. You've said it like you've had discussions with him Should I? No, I can't. Why not? You're like genus family species. Are you gonna really call him? Should I? Put him on speaker. All right, bet you Diane answers. I'll shut up. I can Google battalion or we can ask a military general.
Starting point is 01:13:05 We're gonna have to redact most of this. He's like, I'm flying over Reykjavik right now. We're bombing Reykjavik, Sean. Oh shit. Did you cheat on my daughter? Laura's fine. Hello? Hello? Hello, I was looking for a one Ronald Sams
Starting point is 01:13:23 as we are recording the podcast and we have a military question. Yep. Ah. How are you doing, by the way? We are doing well. Cool, where are you at? I'm doing fine.
Starting point is 01:13:33 Cool, this is on the air. You're gonna be on the show. First of all, pleasure to speak to you. How many people are in a battalion? Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis.
Starting point is 01:13:44 Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Cool, this is on the air, you're gonna be on the show. First of all, pleasure to speak to you. How many people are in a battalion? Penis. Well battalions are made up of companies. Okay. Penis. And they can be various sizes. Penis.
Starting point is 01:14:02 And we're from 30, 40, 50 people or more. And usually battalions can be made up of multiple companies. Okay. So like a company would be part of the battalion. And then they do the battalion job. So platoons make up companies. And then they do the battalion job. So platoons make up companies. See, I was kind of... And companies make up battalions. So you can have anywhere from 300 to maybe a thousand people in a battalion.
Starting point is 01:14:40 And that's just the rough ballpark. Okay. Asked and answered. I appreciate it. You want to say hi to the boys before we hang up? And that's just a rough ballpark. Okay. Asked and answered. I appreciate it. You wanna say hi to the boys before we hang up? Hi guys. Hi. Thank you for that thoughtful and clarifying answer. All right, now we're back to potty talk.
Starting point is 01:14:58 I appreciate the opportunity to talk. You all have a great time tonight. All right, see you guys. You're just like, hey, just wanted to ask you, what was the most secret mission you ever did? That battalion job joke was really good. Yeah, yeah. It bombed hard.
Starting point is 01:15:11 You're gonna have to clip that and send it to him because you can't make him listen to this episode because we've said the word suck milk more than 30 times. I will. I also said penis like four times. That's an amazing point. I will be like, because every now and again they will like they'll sneak it They'll be like yeah, we just listen to whatever and I'm like, okay. I mean your grown-ups. You can do whatever you want
Starting point is 01:15:31 But yes, I'm up since so am I yeah, who cares what I say? I think it's like when you're listening just remember that I'm an adult I'm a sucky milky adult here I'm a sucky milky adult here Food out of his mouth. I was gonna eat it He said sucky milky What oh it's juvenile humor is what it is no bring unbecoming of a gentleman Yeah, don't bring New Orleans legend juvenile to this What were we talking about?
Starting point is 01:16:05 Suck milk. David, cover your third pick. One of those walls that looks like the side of a mountain, but you can go straight through it and then you're in the lair. Back cave. Yeah. That's a great one. Better not be in a volcano.
Starting point is 01:16:18 No, mountain. Okay, all right. Any particular- How was it formed? How was it formed? Via tectonic plates pushing together? Yeah, but dramatically. It's like the new Rockies. Okay, okay.
Starting point is 01:16:28 Are there any band-made mountains like there are lakes? A bunch of dudes like, just make a mountain, bro. It was actually the Delphonic place. Oh my, only at cocaine, brother. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Starting point is 01:16:41 Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Oh I've been living up on the delpline of plates for these three four years now a joke for grownups Got one in there for the adults yeah With you being into jazz, are you anticipating
Starting point is 01:17:05 what kind of music Arthur is gonna like? Like rebel by getting into? Yeah, like Lou Rawls or something? I think so. Adult contemporary? Al Jarreau. Yeah. I wonder what it is.
Starting point is 01:17:16 Barry White? I wonder how he runs away from it. I bet it'll be like fucking thrash metal or something. I'm okay with that. Sean's gonna get in his kitchen. But Dana's gonna have to listen to fucking thrash metal. I'm realizing I didn't send Solomon the address, so I'm just doing that right now.
Starting point is 01:17:28 Sorry, that's why I'm texting. Sean's gonna buy a Crazy Town album for Artie. Hey man, your dad's not gonna tell you about the good shit. Yeah, yeah! Your parents are gonna tell you about what kind of town you're living in. It's a crazy town. It's crazy.
Starting point is 01:17:43 Walls that look like the side of a mountain that you could just fly through. Yeah. That's great. Zach, that look like the side of a man that you could just fly through. Yeah. That's great. Zach, time for your third pick. Third pick, Larry Bird. Just seems like a good rational guy that I respect. Be a good sounding board.
Starting point is 01:17:55 He's like, hey Zach, that's a war crime. And I'm like, you're right, Larry Bird. I can't. What? I want to get the Hagenball. I'm sorry. And he does seem kind of like he has never done anything, but yeah seems like he could be a villain Yeah, yeah, if you needed a new driveway
Starting point is 01:18:13 He's existed in every level of an organization exactly the player a coach a GM a president He'll fight for you a scrap for you absolutely there bird coached. Yeah, I didn't know that we can do it lay down Oh, are you guys just accepting this as a pick? It's a great pick Absolutely. Larry Bird coached? Yeah. I didn't know that. Who'd he coach? He can do it laying down. Oh. Are you guys just accepting this as a pick? It's a great pick. What?
Starting point is 01:18:30 Larry Bird's in the Secret Lair. You don't like it? No, I'm just, it's so random. My secret Larry Bird. There we go. Now I understand. Now I get it. Thank you.
Starting point is 01:18:40 That's just my secret Larry. We don't do secret Santa in this family. I like to think you did your list, you started with that, and then worked back out. Exactly, exactly. Now what makes sense? No, all the family stays in the house and then Secret Larry comes to visit you during the night. Oh no.
Starting point is 01:18:58 You leave out a black and white for Secret Larry. Oh no. Oh no. My family believes in Secret Larry. Who's in the Oh, no. My family believes in secret Larry. Who's in the lair right now? It's pitch black. It's like a secret Santa, but you get to kill it. You just hear a ball bouncing.
Starting point is 01:19:11 Oh, Larry's down there. It's fine. The cherry of a swisher lights up in the dark and you hear a ball bouncing. Before I even put the lair Larry part together, I thought it was a great pick. I do. I'm a kid. I do think he'd be a great guy in that situation. It doesn't seem crazy to me at all.
Starting point is 01:19:23 Has he ever confirmed the wedding cake thing? Not that I've seen. Has anyone ever asked him? And I feel like someone would have sent it to me by now. Yeah. Were you just telling me the wedding, was somebody just telling me the wedding cake thing? We've, I mean, we've talked about it a million times.
Starting point is 01:19:35 I feel like I was forget, he eats wedding cakes? He orders them. Larry Berg was injured. Wait, wait, wait, what? He what? He was injured. Yeah. And he ordered wedding cakes
Starting point is 01:19:44 cause he said, well, they're not gonna fuck up a wedding cake because he thought I'll get the best cakes possible. A wedding cake to a hotel room is a wild move. Yes, because he's recuperating. At 2.06 at the Hilden Garden Inn. Yeah, he opens the door, there's just like four women in there.
Starting point is 01:19:57 Yeah, don't stop to your nose. We're trying to figure out who gets me. We're gonna do a couple fond don'ts and a couple fondue some fondant fondant fondant and some fondant Sean Jordan time for your third pick All right a group of gnarly dogs You're having snakes and dogs a snake But the gnarly dogs are more of like like a security situation what kind the snake is just for kissing Yeah, the snakes for when I kill
Starting point is 01:20:27 What are the snoop dog ones the Doberman overman pinch the ones that sit there like chug night You would have them like I like eight of those okay? They're just kind of it's actually chewed there when I when we have company to the lair there. They're on point I don't need them on point power play Bobby dogs got a bunch of those Power Play Bobby dogs? Oh, scrunch money the hardest white dog in the game. Wait, I want, can I have scrunch money the hardest white dog in the game? Wait, I want. Wait, that sounds tough.
Starting point is 01:20:52 That sounds great. We know what that... He pops up, because I enter, like, when he ever pops up, I make sure I like it, because I want to get more Power Play Bobby in my life. Oh, he's, he's, it's healthy. It's good. I don't even know who, I'm excited to see.
Starting point is 01:21:04 What? Yes, you do. I showed it, yeah. It's good. I don't even know who it is. I'm excited to see. What? Yes, you do. Do I? I showed it. Yeah. Is that real scrunched down little dogs? Remember, he's got the fat, he's the big guy, and then he's got the dog, the white dog, the pit bull? Wait, we just talked about this when we did dogs.
Starting point is 01:21:18 Yeah. Yeah, okay, I remember. Yes, absolutely. He could be my, like, arm dog. You could have one of those. Yeah, he could be my arm dog. Yeah. And then I got the Dobies in the back the Dobies the Doberman surround sound yeah It'd be fun if it was mostly Doberman's then you threw in like like a schnauzer Bunch of doves and then like a pit Funny guy like a border collie like a border collie
Starting point is 01:21:44 He's the one you got one of those like golden retrievers, but they have the short legs Oh like a corgi yeah like a pony pony golden retriever. Yeah, that's all Scott for a giraffe just And a giraffe oh yeah, a giraffe she's a bit of a corgi She got that corgery surgery town in Brazil You got a dog corgi In a joyriff. She got that corgery surgery down in Brazil. Ugh. Ha! You got a dog a corgie? Flew her out. Flew her out, cut her a corgie.
Starting point is 01:22:14 Hey, I really don't want to ask, but did your corgie get a BBL? It's really high-frontin' on me. Yeah. Can't even lay down. You can ask, yeah, we're very open about it. Oh, please ask. She has an Instagram account. Yeah. She has an OnlyFans.
Starting point is 01:22:27 A document of the only. We don't find it to be any different than any other sort of procedure you could get. Like just imagine if your kid got a BBL, that's the same thing. It's for her breathing. Some people are on antidepressants. All right, and that's augmenting the brain. Which is far more important than core gas.
Starting point is 01:22:45 And you're probably, oh you think you know everything in your home with your Bluetooth and your Wi-Fi. Yeah, well you don't know what's flying through the air. Yeah, my core gas is BBL. Sue me, what of it? I've been sued before. The first time I've been sued over this exact issue. I go to court.
Starting point is 01:23:02 I've finished cases. I have to live in Missouri. Probably getting sued right now. I represent myself. I have to live in Missouri. Probably getting sued right now. I represent myself. This is an active ankle bracelet. I say, your honor, nuh-uh. There is a Netflix documentary being produced about me right now.
Starting point is 01:23:16 I remember watching a documentary about Eileen Wuernos, the female serial killer. Oh yeah. Yeah, Charlize Theron. And it was like her last appeal. And they were, at this point she had like whatever money or support she had, she was like down to the bottom barrel of attorneys and they were going to her final court case and they were like, how far is the drive to the courthouse?
Starting point is 01:23:35 He's like, oh, it's like a seven joint drive. And they're like, what? It was like, yeah, it takes me about seven joints. He smoked seven joints straight and he's listening on the radio to Dark Side of the Moon, but it's him playing Dark Side of the Moon. Like him playing all the parts of Dark Side of the Moon. What? Yeah. He listens to his own recording
Starting point is 01:23:54 of Dark Side of the Moon? Yes, yeah. And that's not a pic, but it could be. It could be. It should be. All the albums are just you doing them? That's Charles Mingus via Ian Carmel. That's me doing Mingus. It's me on Mingus. Yeah, me on Mingus. It's not just you doing them. That's Charles Mingus via Ian Carmel. That's me doing Mingus on home. It's me on Mingus. Yeah, me on Mingus.
Starting point is 01:24:09 It's bad, because I'm not good at any instrument. Shit, it's as you say, man. Fuck. Ah. Shit. That was something, right? That was, ah. Is that anything?
Starting point is 01:24:22 Yeah, dub that. that everything? Yeah. Dub that. Isaac, dub that. With my third pick, I'm taking a library with a sconce that opens up to a even secreter lair. God damn it. Another library. And there's another library. With the dark books.
Starting point is 01:24:39 An even lamer, nerdier library. Yeah. It's a beautiful, two's a beautiful two tiered library with one of those library ladders in it. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's got like a balcony. A balcony, there's a globe that opens up
Starting point is 01:24:53 with liquor in it, various liquors, now I got John. That's how you get me to the library. You open the globe up. You open the globe up. Yeah. Boy, this is a bar library. It's a bar, yeah, it's a bar library. A bar-brary, dude.
Starting point is 01:25:03 It's a bar-brary. It's a whiskey library. So I got that, yeah, it's a bar library. A bar-brary, dude. It's a bar-brary. A bar-brary. It's a whiskey library. So I got that, yeah. It's a library with sconce. The sconce is a good call. That opens up to a deeper layer. You know what I'm thinking of is
Starting point is 01:25:12 League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. That vibe. Yeah. Hard that vibe. I only like it from the library. It's a league of their own, too. A league of their own. My buddy Joey's got a bookshelf in his house.
Starting point is 01:25:22 He installed, it's like a secret reading room. So it's like a bookshelf under the stairs, and you just It's like a secret reading room So it's like a bookshelf. Yeah under the stairs You just pull it open and and then you're like in a secret little and then your family can't find you it's great I need to go down there and cheat on your wife Works out well for everyone remember Laura's dad will be listening to this episode And typical okay a typical platoon is 16 to 40 soldiers A company is made of three to four platoons. So a company is between 60 and 250 soldiers. A battalion consists of three to five companies
Starting point is 01:25:52 that can range from 300 to about 1,000 soldiers. Sounds like an SAT question. So if one battalion met one company on a train going to Albuquerque. Fourth pick for me, Ian Carmel. But before that, a second break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Mack Weldon.
Starting point is 01:26:16 Now we keep bringing it up, but summer is here and it is a great time to break out that new wardrobe. We love Mack Weldon so much that we advertise for Mack Weldon on the show. You know what I mean? Everything is good. They cover every single base of what you would want to put on your body. I'm going to Michigan this summer with the family and I cannot wait. I have Mack Weldon to cover every facet of going there. I have my casual wear. I have my polos that I'm bringing with me. I might even golf out there. I have my sweatpants for the nighttime. My sweatpants. I have my hoodie. I have my polos that I'm bringing with me. I might even golf out there. I have my sweatpants for the nighttime. My sweatpants. I have my hoodie. I have my crew neck just
Starting point is 01:26:49 for when I want to get cozy looking at the lake. They handle everything from if you're going to the gym to work out, you know, if you want to have a summer night out, if you're on the boat, if you're out on the lake, if you want to look nice on a date night, they got you covered. And the new tech linen line, it combines the easy charm of ClassicLinen with CoolMax technology. CoolMax, also a fun name for my daughter. But go check it out. Go check out the shirts, the hoodies, all of it, macwellden.com, and you're going to get 25% off your first order with the code ALLFANTASY. Like I said, I love it. I love the TechLinen.
Starting point is 01:27:21 I love the underwear, the AirKnit technology. Such breathable underwear. The polos fit amazing. They breathe. The button-ups, they fit exactly the way I want them to. I have four pairs, I think, of the A-sweatpants. Five polos, two crewnecks, a hoodie. I mean, I have like three button-ups.
Starting point is 01:27:41 Four or five pairs of underwear. Seriously, we can't say enough good things about Mack Weldon. And it all lasts, too. Some of it ups, four or five pairs of underwear. Seriously, we can't say enough good things about Mack Weldon. And it all lasts too. Some of it I've had for a few years now. Fantastic. All the way, A to Z. They got you covered.
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Starting point is 01:28:05 all summer long. Go to macwellden.com and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code allfantasy. That's M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N.com, promo code allfantasy. This is an ad by BetterHelp. Now summer's here, obviously, it helps with mental health, but doesn't solve all the problems. Let's focus on the rise of workplace stress
Starting point is 01:28:28 and how you can take the summer to kind of focus on your mental health, you know, and take the steps to manage your work day challenge because it's a cold reality when you're an adult that you don't get summers off anymore. I see all the kids at skate park every day with the summer off and it's such a freeing feeling. You don't get that as an adult. And in the workplace, it's
Starting point is 01:28:50 one of the top causes of declining mental health. 61% of the global workforce is experiencing higher than normal stress. And it makes sense. Obviously you're stressed at work. It's work and it's stressful. That's just how it goes. And to battle that stress, you know, you can't just not work, you gotta work, everyone's gotta work. So you wanna focus on mental health, you wanna focus on your wellbeing. And therapy is such a good way to do that.
Starting point is 01:29:13 It's tried and true, and it's a great method. I mean, a vacation's great, a holiday's great, but it doesn't, it's not a long-term solution. Those just kind of put some gas in the tank for a while. But therapy can help out. Talking to someone, just airing any grievance you might have with work or anything else in your personal life, it's always good to have a new set of ears on it.
Starting point is 01:29:31 That's why we say it every single week. It helps to lighten the load. You don't need to carry all that stuff and it helps you set boundaries. It helps you stop being such a people pleaser. That's my big thing. It's like I can't say no to anything. So something like therapy, talking to someone,
Starting point is 01:29:45 it helps with that tremendously. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform serving over 5 million people globally. They gotta be doing something right. You know, the app rating, for example, 4.9 out of 5, based on over 1.7 million client reviews, I don't know what that point one was doing,
Starting point is 01:30:03 probably just someone trolling. You know what I mean? People do that. It's convenient too. You do it from the comfort of your home. You can switch therapists at any time, not an issue. So give it a shot. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.
Starting point is 01:30:19 Unwind from work with BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash all fantasy. That's BetterHelp. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash all fantasy. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash all fantasy. Okay, and we're back. Isaac just screamed at that. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:30:36 Yeah, it was wild. I've never seen him do that. It was like Christian Bale. It was insane. Trying to make a podcast, right? Nah, it's not Christian Bale. Do Christian Bale. Me?
Starting point is 01:30:47 Take me up, do it right now. Where's La? Where? Yeah. Swear to me. I'm not wearing hockey pads. If you change that lighting one more fucking time. That was close. I almost got a red face again. Thanks for saving me.
Starting point is 01:30:59 He is British. I thought he was like Australian. If you try fat lo line one more time. He's walking around with the candle in the pajama hat. If you change that line one more time. He's preparing for Scrooge, sorry. He's deeply in character. Farm. Underground farm. Oh yeah, classic.
Starting point is 01:31:22 Yeah, so I can raise crops down there. It's got like that kind of system. So I have sort of a self, if I get cut off from the rest of the world, I can still sustain myself. You could have keg parties down there too. You could have a keg or you could have a farm party. That's like a mental health thing. You're like, hey, I can't be planning and plotting every day.
Starting point is 01:31:37 I gotta have some me time. Hands in the soil. Exactly. Disconnect, you know. Just reconnect with the earth. One with the earth. Yeah, Gaia. Remember where you came from?
Starting point is 01:31:45 Yeah, Arthur has a friend named Gaia to the extent that a six-month-old can have a friend. Like in a way that we're all friends with the earth? Yeah, exactly. You can tell Arthur, your best friend is the earth. Your mother and I seek only to cause you strife in this life. It's your other mother. It's your other mother that you need to run to. Gaia. Are you growing any drugs in your farm?
Starting point is 01:32:10 You're gonna grow cocaine? Some tobacco, cannabis, coca. Figured out how to. Which one of these makes MDMA? You're using the word cannabis and coca made it seem like maybe I shouldn't tell you what I'm growing. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:32:20 Did you also say tobacco? Yeah, it's a drug. Come on. I mean, it's a drug. I make. It's I mean, it's a drug Welcome in I'm not growing tobacco. I'll tell you that much. Yeah, that's a sticky plant. Yeah, you don't want cigars. No, I don't I don't want you. There's the thing. Yeah, I don't I've never enjoyed a cigar. They're wet. I can't
Starting point is 01:32:45 I can't even tell the difference this thing would be And then you go to a cigar bar and it's like they're like don't breathe it in you're like well It's the whole building. Yeah, I'm not supposed to breathe it in It's one of those things where I don't believe people who like it and it's a 50-minute like big commitment Yeah, yeah, you can't just like well I'll spit it spit and talk about back when I suck down a cigar coin it like tastes right so like it like it was it tastes good in your mouth I'm supposed to fucking have an ice cream cone. Yeah exactly If you lick your lips at sugar
Starting point is 01:33:17 And I'd be like why don't you guys go all of ice cream? No, it's taste good in your mouth these nuts Suck milk. Kaboom. D on the T. Sean, time for your fourth pick. A dojo with all of my weapons that only I know how to use. Like a nunchuck, like katana nunchucks,
Starting point is 01:33:37 three-way nunchucks. How do you control that you are the only one who knows how to use them? Well, no, I'm not saying that. I guess that I am nice with all of them in this scenario. It's just, people come in and they're like, what the fuck is all this shit? Well, my next pick is a ray gun that makes everyone dumb.
Starting point is 01:33:51 And it just zaps out from my mini sub when I leave. Now let's fight. Hold on, let me zap you with my ray gun, bro. Well, you know what happens, the dumber they get, the stronger they get. Yeah, it's true. This makes them weak too, dude. I have this right gun
Starting point is 01:34:09 This right guns gonna make you really dumb and really weak dojo of weaponry dojo a dojo with a weapon walk Okay, but not like gun like, you know sexy weapons. Yes Chainsaw like those knives with they have the like the little knife Like the ninja turtle like the fifth ninja turtle with pink and he's got a chain Shit these were all supposed to be swords, but I didn't grind them down Leonardo, Michelangelo, Pauling, Donatello and Pauling. All right, Dojo of Weaponry. Zach, time for your fourth pick. Fourth pick, a giant planning table.
Starting point is 01:34:56 Oh, yeah, yeah. A Dr. Strangelove or like a Game of Thrones, like a physical where you move pieces around. Moving the tanks and the dragons and stuff. Exactly. Then if I put a v of thrones, like a physical where you move pieces around. Moving the tanks and the dragons and stuff. Then if I put a vending machine here, it's just my own lair. End game. The only way to win is to not play.
Starting point is 01:35:16 I'd love to have a big table like that at some point in my life. Yeah, gentlemen, no fighting in the war room. You have one of those shuffleboard things to move pieces That's yeah, that's that's the circular everyone's got like the nameplate and like little earpieces So they can hear like other people being translated It's just my craziness being translated I'm pretty sure he's talking about birds or something. Uh, Plain and Table's a great pick.
Starting point is 01:35:49 David Bowie, time for your fourth and then your final picks. An oracle. Ooh, damn. Like, of Delphi? Like, somebody who tells the future? Yeah, but I like console. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like, Sheriff Nottingham had, like, an oracle type, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Crystal ball for the witch teeth on the plate.
Starting point is 01:36:06 So this is like, are they like, are they in a dark room? Like what's their- I think about they're covered in satin. Yeah. Like they're in a pit. They're horribly disfigured. Okay, yeah.
Starting point is 01:36:18 Oh, so you like, it's like Minority Report kinda thing where you just kinda keep them in their chambers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think there's something like that in Dune too. Do they have eunuchs who take care of them? Who's gonna win that Pacers game? What? Do they have like a team of eunuchs who take care of them?
Starting point is 01:36:32 Everybody's got dicks on my island. Okay. Balls though. Both. No, only balls. No balls. Before you get here, just want to let you know one thing about the island.
Starting point is 01:36:43 Everyone's got a dick. Balls only, dude. Everyone's got a dick. Balls only, dude. Yeah, like a consultable oracle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it. Are they in a wet situation? I think that they're wet.
Starting point is 01:36:56 They're wet. Their surroundings are dry, but they're weirdly wet. Maybe they have suction cups on their fingertips, like a few weird nipples like weird stuff Yeah, they have a couple weird things like pork gullet from that Star Wars movie where they like it Just puts it suction thing on your brain, and it just reads. Yeah No that person maybe off the rip Forgol it well cuz it's um force Whitaker's like book on it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right Yeah, I'm that's right. Yeah
Starting point is 01:37:28 Maybe it has a mouth like a fish some you know weird yeah, yeah Oh fish man, it's like nasty. Maybe you kiss it after it. Oh, you don't want to have sex with it I touch it confidently and it repulses. I'm just here for a cool. You know what I mean like Thank you for the secret. Yeah, I'm the only thing That's why it tells me the future. Yeah, here's a little kiss for the secret. Thank you and your final pick a gator Okay. Yeah. Oh like a moat of gators or what? the the driving vehicle football coaches Would be really fun to motor around
Starting point is 01:38:00 after the Oracle Well that's very sensible after the Oracle. Yeah, exactly. I started to get, we're made of beer. Yeah, exactly. The Oracle's like, I can see the future, but I can't walk three miles. Yeah, come on. I got a Gator.
Starting point is 01:38:09 It's a big, it's a big lair. Have you ever seen a Gator and not wanted to drive one? No, they look awesome. No, they look rad. We saw one on the back of a truck the other day. I'm gonna price one right now. Even Laura was like, what is that? Like stoked.
Starting point is 01:38:20 It's pretty crazy that someone looked at golf carts and was like, but for dudes. Uh-huh, yeah, exactly. Something that was already very explicitly for dudes, but they were like, for duder, even for duder. For duder, for better. Even duder. You gotta get a gate of 12 Gs.
Starting point is 01:38:38 12 Gs, that's a little more than I thought. I mean, it's got a bed. Yeah, it does have a bed. I mean, there's the work series, but there's also the EV one There's a midsize full-size Well fits in a layer you're gonna want the EV because you don't want to throw off That's the thing you don't want to think I don't think I'm even gonna have gas on there like yeah So probably EV you know LED charge level indicator up to 600 pounds baby runs on suck milk
Starting point is 01:39:04 My submarines charcoal powered. Okay, it starts at 15.5. 15,500 dollars? Yeah. Wow, that's. But I haven't even gone into the customs yet. No, you're like a sucker. A sucker thinks that's only 15.
Starting point is 01:39:16 All the Joker decals you're gonna put on it and stuff. Yeah. Aftermarket. There's gonna be a lot of aftermarket modifications. Undercoating. My twisted gator.ator Zach time for your fifth pick my fifth pick Boy this one is a gift shop
Starting point is 01:39:36 Yeah, if you make it through right leave with some a little There could be yeah, it could be like hey remember 84 Does it have one of those like that? They just haven't going crazy over there Bird memorabilia? There could be, yeah. It could be like, hey, remember 84? Whatever. Does it have one of those like, that they just have it? Isaac's going crazy over there. What kind of a lick? It's like an old country buffet. There's rock candy.
Starting point is 01:39:53 Yeah. There's like, the games where you're like, this wasn't a game. There's rock candy at an old country buffet. Oh yeah. And those games where you move like the golf tees around a triangle. Yeah. Like Amish games or whatever? I thought that was Cracker Barrel you're talking about.
Starting point is 01:40:06 Oh, what did I say? Old country buffet. Oh yeah, Cracker Barrel, my bad. What about that like art museum stuff where it's like the kind of jewelry that Pruleth wears? Is there a little section with that? Oh yeah, exactly. What vibe is the gift shop?
Starting point is 01:40:20 Is it more lo-fi, hi-fi? A little bit of both. You can buy posters of like previous nights at the lair. Oh, yeah, like June. Uh-huh, exactly. When you have the Zaxxlair Jazz Festival. There's a green screen. You can take photos. That's cute.
Starting point is 01:40:35 Oh, are you doing a jazz fest? Like a Montreux? Oh, maybe. Maybe. Keith Jarrett at Zaxxlair. Mm-hmm. Yeah. There's some, you know, like there's like... Summer, like there's like just Connie biscotti's or something like that Why don't you think of that? Every business meeting I go dad left when I was young cuz I'm ugly and so, you know bummed me out I guess you'd be more like Zach. I try I stop my dad
Starting point is 01:41:04 You name some food with your last name It was out of nowhere I will ask Isaac in a separate email chain to cut that That I want to cut so everyone's wondering I wonder what did. They're not gonna know that it was that sound. I'm gonna send you a bunch of sound bites that are respectful to Laura, you just drop those in. My loving wife. Someone with a zoology degree is someone I trust more than the average person.
Starting point is 01:41:38 A vivacious redhead named Laura. Have you met my wife Laura? Let me say vivacious or vivacious? Vivacious. Vivacious. Let me say it real quick everybody. Oh I like vivacious. Let me say vivacious. Vibacious.
Starting point is 01:41:57 A vivacious redhead like Laura. That's what your ringtone is when she calls. Every time I get a text, a vivacious redhead like Laura. A woman named Laura with zest for life. It's just David's open mouth. What? I sent David a picture of my open mouth earlier today. Some of your subconscious guts are there.
Starting point is 01:42:20 He didn't send me a picture of his open mouth. It's gross when you look at some dude's open mouth. You send it to David and you David you like now show me yours You have to Now what's your wettest hole oh my god Sean you see it earlier. Oh god No wonder you were walking Just showing hole that's butthole dentata
Starting point is 01:42:47 Sean your final is crazy right before that. He sent me a broke back mountain meme Well now we're gonna have to cut that to Isaac Yeah, it's it's a funny thing to see right next to each other One ponders what was Securely reconnoitered perimeter is my last bit. Yeah, it's good. Reconos are just securely reconnoitered perimeter. That's so funny Don't worry, it's all right really reconnoit God that looks insanely gross. It's not it looks really bad You're speaking. Yeah, okay. Yes, so yucky looking
Starting point is 01:43:32 Well, nobody's reck noiter in that Wait a while now watch the succession. I like that Now like it feels like you didn't respond. There's no response from David like oh crazy I love that you didn't respond. There's no response from David like, oh, crazy. Yeah. Four hours later, I'm like, yo, where you at? That is tight. When you look at the last text, you're like,
Starting point is 01:43:51 this is a weird response. Yeah. We got to normalize just not getting a response on a text and not taking it personally. I think everybody hates me. If I don't get a response, I'm like, they hate my guts. And if the response doesn't have an emoji, I think that we're not friends anymore. I'm like, they hate my guts. And if the response doesn't have an emoji, I think that we're not friends anymore.
Starting point is 01:44:06 I'm like a lunatic with it. I had to ask Laura, I was like, can you please just send emojis sometimes? So I don't think you wanna divorce. Oh, you had to have your wife add emojis. Not emojis, but I'm like, can we soften? And it's like a handwritten. Can we soften the text a little bit?
Starting point is 01:44:21 Can it not be a one word answer? Can it be like a smiley face or something? I asked her to do that. Oh, people would get mad at me because I'd write K You know like are you coming over like dinners at 5 K? Yeah, I know you so well that it doesn't Get to me right yeah, dude. It's different with certain companies. I try to not have any tone in my texts me neither I'm after a while. It's just I'm way too too bubbly. It's hard to be funny in text. Yeah. I do only, I put ha ha when I laugh.
Starting point is 01:44:48 It never, whatever I'm trying to do, it never, I never get my shit off. Sit there and come up with something? Yeah, I never get my shit off. I've never been, I haven't been a hilarious texter for 10 years. There's like a staff-wide group chat for like, with the writers and the, you know, some other people. The grips in there. Whoa. Just with the writers and the you know some other people There whoa just say that emotions from the grip so much pressure. Yeah, there's Six six six just so much pressure because like it's a bunch of professionally funny writers
Starting point is 01:45:19 And then you gotta be like, I don't like I don't like the pressure. I don't like the pressure Yeah, but like I don't like the pressure of humor and text. Yeah, right This is the first time i've ever said it out loud in that way, but like yeah I'm sick of the real I'm fucking funny man. Yeah, I gotta prove that shit again It's 30 who ever's texting. Yeah, it's gotta be hilarious. Can't even come up with a good food bit. Yeah, just sends hole I Said a securely reconnoitered perimeter. I thought it was gonna hit because I got to say the word reconnoiter. Isaac laughed. Uh-huh, I did too. And I said it was a great fit.
Starting point is 01:45:48 Isaac laughed at the wrong thing I think right there. No, he laughed at reconnoitered. Were you laughing at reconnoitered? I did not laugh at reconnoitered. I don't know what that means. It was the mouth. I heard we knew it. It was the showing whole thing.
Starting point is 01:45:57 I genuinely thought it was the reconnoitered. It was the sending whole bit. I thought it was the reconnoitered. What's reconnoitered mean? Recknoiter. I keep saying reconnoitered. It's like reconned. Yeah. Oh. Recknoitered. Like reconnaissance. The word is reconnaissance, reconnoitered mean? Recknoiter, I keep saying reconnoiter. It's like reconned. Yeah. Oh.
Starting point is 01:46:05 Recknoitered. Yeah. Like reconnaissance. The word is reconnaissance, reconnoitered. Yeah, so like he's got something out. So like the perimeter. Okay. Let's say.
Starting point is 01:46:13 It's one of the things you could do to a perimeter, secure or reconnoiter. Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. I did both to my peri. I'm taking a whole layer, world class, a whole layer world class speaker system.
Starting point is 01:46:25 Oh yeah. For me, when I'm just traipsing around my lair. And your gator? You're gonna loan him a gator? I don't have a gator, you have a gator. That's true. I probably have some sort of- He was testing you.
Starting point is 01:46:37 Yeah. Yeah. Bull fucking shit, dude. Helicopters landing. Yeah. I step off. Fire release comes on. Fire release comes on my whole layer speaker system. I'm like, oh, I step off. Fur Elise comes on. Fur Elise comes on my whole layer speaker system.
Starting point is 01:46:47 I'm like, oh, I'm in a pleasant place. When I'm being invaded, then I can communicate with whoever's invading me over my whole layer speaker system. Just be like, the game has begun. Yeah, yeah. You can isolate it to different rooms, so like, he's over there.
Starting point is 01:47:02 Yeah, or is he over there? Or am I over here? Like that. So he's over there. Yeah, or is he over there? Like that Your what boys Oh face You gave David the O face earlier soundless wonder when it comes to that. You don't make any noise? Well speaking of tone, it's like,
Starting point is 01:47:32 you know like text, we were saying you could read any tone, like yeah, if you, if that was like, if you received text in the voice of like someone you're having sex with, it would also, you could read it as like someone seeing their fam- like finding their family dead, you know like oh my god Oh my god
Starting point is 01:48:01 Is this what they say when you have sex I've said I wish you did this for a bit. Unbelievable! Inconceivable! Every chance I get when we're watching Jeopardy one time and Alex goes less than a minute now and Zach goes that's what I say during sex. And just saying it like Alex like less than a minute now. Making direct icon. I just wish if you would do it for now.
Starting point is 01:48:21 Wish you did a joke about it. It's one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Isaac do you have a pick. I'm gonna go with the rare art collection Things that they think is lost to history yeah, I know it's in my layer That's row chair in there David you went first you took the yearly martial arts tournament to the death. A cloned fighting force, walls that look like the side of a mountain, an oracle, and a gator.
Starting point is 01:48:52 Zach, you went second. You took a national anthem based security system. Oh no, is mine thing too close to yours? No, I don't think so. A genetically altered assistant, Larry Bird, a planning table, and a gift shop. Sean, you have a one-person submarine, selfish.
Starting point is 01:49:08 Giant fancy steak, gnarly dogs, a dojo of weaponry, and a securely reconnoitered perimeter. Someone read the source this morning. Oh, you did? That's all I do. Last I took a, it's in a volcano. I land there in a helicopter. I have a library with a sconce
Starting point is 01:49:27 that reveals an even secret layer. I have a farm where I can grow my own food and a whole layer speaker system. Excellent pixel. Yeah, I was nervous. It went well. That sounded easy to do until you start doing it and then it was a little tricky, no?
Starting point is 01:49:42 Yeah, yeah. Isaac, who do you think won? Ha ha ha. I think the listeners won because they get to listen to you guys. Oh, how funny. Very funny. And if you are one of those listeners, hit us up at AllFantasyPodcasts at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone at All Fantasy Everything. Patreon, where you can get auction drafts, mailbag episodes,
Starting point is 01:50:02 this or that episodes. Suck milk. Suck milk, our special white label suck milk. Oh! Our blue label suck milk. Gross! And if you're rolling in, our black label suck milk. Gross.
Starting point is 01:50:17 Shout out to super producer Isaac Lee on the sucks and the but. Milk saving. Sucking the milks. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel, shout out to Frankie Osha, shout out to Sid the Dude, shout out to Hodgie Beats, and more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another, shout out to YAFU subreddit, brand new episode of all fantasy everything.
Starting point is 01:50:34 Suck me, fuck me, cut me loose. What? That was a hate gum podcast.

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