All Fantasy Everything - Activity Pairings (w/ Kyle Kinane, Shane Torres)

Episode Date: August 7, 2025

More accurately described as "____ in a _____."Guests:Kyle Kinane (@kylekinane)Shane Torres (@shanetorres)Support the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. in the world of popular culture. On today's episode, we are drafting blank in the blank, which will be explained later. Our guest today are Shane Torres and Kyle Kinane. What's the...

Dear friends. Dear friends. Stand-up comedians. Are we staying seated with our legs up? I'm leaving it up, dude. If you feel comfortable, I feel comfortable. Yeah. And then we got a couple...

I feel jealous. I feel jealous. Kick your legs across, Sean. I don't want to touch him. Come here. Ew. See how my boxers show? Someone went for the long

I'm an athletic guy I'm with Mac Weldon's No my mom These are a Duluth trading company But oh I've got some socks All so nice Yeah not as good as whoever's I got nothing showing out

Throw under my shorts Yeah I got the shorter ones But a god's underwear So you got nothing under there Take a good look at I got nothing under there I don't know Is that an angle? Is that one going right on

Is that camera? It is but I'm the one with the angle My eyes can see it Lucky you That seems like that time You watched show girls last night How about My little show

Show Boys. Showgirls last night, barflies today. Saved by the bell end. All right, okay. There is a little English reference for you. There he goes. Yeah, Randy watched five movies yesterday. What were the five?

Demolition Man. Okay. You've never seen any of these. I've never seen any of them. Demolition Man is sick. Showgirls. Good name for a porn parody that doesn't need to change. That's true.

You just go right in. Devilition can stay the same for the porn version. do that off the top. Should we just do that off the top? Should we call an audible and do it off the top? Would it be titles that would also be where you don't have to change the thing for them to be the porn parody? But I have

a laptop. You can't Google. Don't Google. Don't Google. You can Google stuff but not this movie. You can just Google how to make a paper airplane that flies really far or something. So you know. Well, I just say I was going to do the thing and the thing. We're doing the thing and the thing. We're sticking with it next time. We'll do. So that's what it is.

Sean Jordan's here as well. David Bowry. more deep, deep in the jungles of Bolivian jungle. He's in the Bolivian jungle. Really? Yeah. Yeah. It's a worldly man. He gets out there.

He's been to Brazil. He has been to Brazil. He's been to Sierra Leone. Yeah. I haven't been to either of those places. I've been to Tijuana. Tijuana. Costa Rica one time?

Yeah. Cool. Yeah. Shane, where have you been? What are the places you've been? Visited as Latinas on 8th Street. It's 8th Street Latinas. Oh, sorry.

He's a nice, bud. You're telling me. Do the kids even know about 8th Street Latinas and Captain Stabins anymore? I think it's having a, I think it's a mill hunter. I think it's having a renaissance like Creed. God, I hope not. They are fully 90s kids. Like, they're everywhere.

Yeah. It's come up a lot lately. But like, Creed is a, like, they're popular for real right now. Well, let's go over there. That's Creed, right? Okay. Did we want to admit that the song kind of ripped? No, there's some great ones.

I listened to it yesterday with Laura in the car. It's pretty good. was when you had to be like, oh, I can't like this. Look at these guys. Because he was doing like the god posing and stuff. Yeah, it was like real like beef cake. Pretty similar haircut to the one you're rocking right now.

We're being completely honest. I'll tell you about this haircut? Jesus on a job interview. Is Cas Jesus? Three weeks three weeks over. I think I told you that he nailed it. Three days out of the cave, three weeks trying to find a middle management position.

I'm a fun boss. I put it Oh, you need two years' experience for an entry-level job. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to go my foot in the door. I'm going to turn this three weeks into two years' experience. Hey, if somebody picks up asking if you employ Jesus for two years, just how long is it. What? Oh, he taught me to fish. He taught me like, he was great.

He was great. Very helpful. The only person has a bad thing to say about him is Judas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's 11 to 1 If you don't have the 1 That's almost more concerning Yeah

And then it sounds like bullshit Yeah That's your answer where it's like Like getting all the right answers On a standardized test Right exactly You could yeah Don't get all of them right

You got throw a one of What's the haircut? Let's hear about this haircut What's your name? I was I could have kept Riffick Yeah It was really

It was really building up a lot of steam What have I done to you? What have I done to you? What have I done? That was going to be a wonderful friend. And occasionally make fun of your everything bagel joke. Occasionally. You think it's on the occasion?

Yeah. And then you snuck it into a late night program. Fucking, I could have sued you. It'd be the Tonight Show with Shane Torres. I was hoping you'd be out of a job for sure. They would have been laughing too hard. What movie premise is it where you sue the Tonight Show to become the host of the Tonight Show? Well, Wanda Sykes is the judge.

I know that. I was in Albany. and I needed a haircut. New York. The end. Yeah. Well, actually, because the guy wasn't paying attention.

I was on my phone and he cut off way more than I wanted him to. And I just left in the middle of my haircut. So this half is much shorter than this half. Yeah. To be getting the camera. You were on your phone during the haircut? Like arm out of the, arm out of the hair thing? The cape?

Sure. The hair thing? Well, the front forward cape. Yeah. But the point is you were on your phone during getting a haircut? Yes. Jerk. your microphone, Shane.

What? I don't think I've got... You can't do that. You can't be on your phone getting a haircut. I'm sorry, fuck you very much. I won't go on my phone. Yeah, you can't. I'm not talking to this guy.

I don't think I've gotten an actual haircut since there was phones. I don't think I've been to a barber. You're on the landlock? Oh, fuck. That's my mom dropped me off. You ever go in and just be like, take a little off the top? What's the problem with being on my phone? It just is wild to me to be on your phone during the haircut.

Why? Do you think it should be more personal? No, I just feel like the cape goes over your arms and that, you know, it's like a thing. You don't have your arms up. That's to protect your clothes. It's not a cape of emotion. Easy. Don't call them clothes, first of all, the clothes.

Clothes. You really made a meal out of the TH there. To protect your clothes. The two youths. It's not cloughing. It's clothing. All right. Do you pick it up in Ibitha?

Clothes. I got these clothes Clothing is Mormon dry hunting That's what they call That's what that is It's called Garland banging Oh I should wash

Some clothing Playing the zippers No I just feels I feel wild when I do it You Okay well I think it depends on the vibe Of the person cutting your hair If they want to talk

You talk right No Uber driver rules I don't ever want to talk I never want to talk either, but if they want to talk, I'll feel the conversation. What do you do? I'm a comedian. Say it so quick.

Oh, you get into politics immediately. I did, yeah, I don't tell them that. That you're a comedian? No. What do you tell them? I'm sure they figure it out. I say, oh, I'm just in town, family. Do you with the length and volume of your hair?

Do you go to like a salon? No. Do you go to a barbershop? I go to a barbershop. That seems like a mistake. Well, you know, but barbershops are so metroshock. Take it from me. I've got so much.

Metrosexual? Well, they're so like, they're so like, barbershops are like... Well, unless they're speaking ebonics. We want to use terms from... Metrosexual. I think my dad probably said metrosexual, and he's been dead for 20 years.

I wish you'd gone with him. I really do. No, they're just so like, they're not like old men just sitting there, you know, talking about the Ford factory closing anymore. They're like very, uh... You're not, it's not like crew cuts until you walk. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that, yeah.

It'll be kind of nice four-three clip or fade. Well, I feel it's like either ex-hardcore guys that are giving everybody the fade rockabilly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Black barbershops. Yeah. Or then you would qualify for like a salon. Or, well, there's also like, like, long hair.

There's also like, there's the hardcore thing, and then there is the black barbershop, and then there's the old man barbershop, but that's like... Yeah. You don't want to go on one of those. property owners in the suburbs of Chicago Yeah, yeah

And then there's also just the kind of like Oh, this is a bunch of 24 year olds And they don't know what they're gonna do with their lives So this is the job they've thought about doing Do you go to like a just walk in an appointment Do you have someone? I just walk in, I go places Because I don't like I don't want to be friends with them

I mean I talk New York You deserve this haircut maybe? I really just like I don't I don't pay him for the haircut I pay him to leave We got tonight Who needs tomorrow

I've told you this before, but like, I don't want to, is this coming? I'm kind of doing it in an act, so I don't want to do a bit, but like, I don't like being touched, and I don't like small talk. So I don't like it to be alone forever. Yeah, okay. Do we want to revisit lunch? For not liking being touched, your hand shows in my space. I love small talking touching. Your hands over here, you're doing this.

You're going to break my boobs. What is this wrestling finishing? Is that what? He does keep. trying to get a tuft. I'll show you all rip a tuft of your child. That's the Bonner. You're trying to rip his nipple off.

I think you're going to the wrong kind of boxing gym. So you walk up to a tough guy. Grab a tough of his death. That's my purse. That guy getting his nipple ripped off. You want a latch? See, I got to fucking sit here on edge this whole time. Oh, shut up, you bitch.

Sean Patrick Jordan is the one to sit next to old grabby hands. Sean Cougarmel and Jordan on Instagram. Girl dad available now Everyone's stand-up comedy can be seen Yeah I'm just I'm just leaning back Yeah Anyway my dates bro

Where am I gonna be Shane where am I gonna be Shane I'm gonna be I feel like it's my job to break this up And give you space No you can't break it up We've been doing this this day one Randy when's this come out

Take a Gus August August 8th I'll be in Atlanta At the Limelight Theater August 9th They'll be in New Orleans At Sports Drink

August, yeah What are you going to Are you headlining sports rink? Yeah Nice, hell yeah Cool Yeah August 15th I'll be in

Minneapolis It's Sis Fis brewing with Zach Descani August 16th Lincoln Lodge Chicago Illinois Zach Descani And in October

I'll be in Grand Rapids with you Oh yeah? Yeah He goes Oh yeah You guys doing the scheme I don't know who I've got on the shows

Yeah I'm on all your shows I'm doing Dr. Grins Oh the In the Bob, the big old building. Not a dentist. Dr. Grins. My ex-girlfriend, Mandy, is still there.

You can go, she can come by and say hi to you. I remember that. Anyway. Stop by Dr. Grins. Yeah. Mandy lives in Grand Rapids? That's where she's from, yeah. Oh, yeah.

What's it like in Grand Rapids? What do people do for fun? Very white. Go to right-wing. Michigan. A little right-wingy. A little right-wingy. A little conservative.

I think it is kind of like, you know, like social, what's the like social, like social liberal fiscal conservative I think to where Amway is from they got a do they have those frozen yogurt places where you can pick your own toppings and then they weigh it yeah

okay well I'm in yeah are there places that don't have those probably yeah I imagine there's a few places here there's not a ton here no I can't think of a one this one my house where you weigh it yeah weigh the pro you it's called nectar

do you eat the toppings like as you're putting them on like kind of oh yeah You have to. Oh, you're crazy. I put them all in my mouth. I put them all in my mouth. Then I just go up and I put it up and then.

You idiot. You look like I saved 78 cents. Gotcha. You just turn around. Yeah. You suck at your job and then you put an application up there. Man, I love you so much. It's so fun to be next to you.

Come on. much money for you to kiss me right on the thigh right there he'll do it he'll do it free yeah cup of coffee i'll give you hot coffee for everybody listening i was pointing at my thigh we're in shan stewstoo studio by the way for the first time you've never been in here i've never been in here it's fun randy made it look like this it looks great yeah yeah nice job was that a deflecting were you in case i was about to make fun of how it looks in here or what was it or randy did all this but anyway and randy said anything dumb that I'm about to say on the show. I think it looks good, man.

Yeah, it does. And I also watched showgirls last night. So I did that. Shane's taking a picture where he's about to kiss. Oh, are you going to get a haircut real quick? What do you got your phone out for? He's zooming in, he's zooming in on your leg on where he wants to kiss. Come on.

You can't get your haircut like this. It's crazy. What are you watching? What? Doesn't matter to you? That doesn't. Boxing videos? Your own stand-up?

Was it boxing videos or your own stand-up? I do this. A bit about everything, bagel, that you can't seem. I think you're jealous of that bit, by the way. Nobody's just... You're all jealous. It's not. You have plenty of bets I'm jealous of.

That's not. Yeah, look, I know it is. I know you wish you thought of it and you could do it at the church you guys have. Your church. Yeah. Temple. Yeah.

It's a great joke. It's funny. It's that's staying power. It's just somebody's keeping it in the east of that name. I wish you would have sued the tonight show because I would have loved to have gone to court to see if the idea that everything better. I mean, I still can sue them. Still sue them. Still soon.

Yeah. Did you do the show, do the joke? I wrote it into a sketch that appeared on the show. With credit? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Kyle, you and I are going to be just fine. With the way this Stephanopoulos lawsuit went down, everything is possible.

I don't know that that references. Shane, the 60 Minutes thing, you don't know about this? They're, like, horrified about it. They paid, what, 20 million for the only? Yeah, but did they? Wait, what? I don't know what you're talking about. 60 Minutes got sued by Trump by Trump by Trump because they said they they doctored a Kamala Harris interview to look more like make her look more confident than she was and made his look, uh, dumber.

Yeah, essentially. But like and and so they got sued and they settled, Paramount settled, uh, because they're trying to get a merger. Like the idea is like they shouldn't have settled and it was a pretty frivolous lawsuit, but they're trying to get this merger approved. with some other company like Skydance or something so they can have a... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they're not going to say it won't be a monopoly.

So they've settled this lawsuit essentially so they can create a bigger company. After the break, we'll be digging into the Ukraine. Stay with it. Thank you. I'm not going to be able to help with that conversation. I don't think you help much at all. Shane Torres is here.

Shane Torres, a cross-platform, the blue-eyed Mexican. You can watch it on YouTube right now. Thank you. When that comes out, what, next July? That comes out? July, drop 6th July. It's out.

When does your special come out? I know. Shut up. Maybe you shouldn't be doing bits about my shit that's already out and yours is it. Dick. Sorry, man. Sorry, I'll stop.

That'll be fun for everyone to listen to if we're just nice to each other. Oh, I'm sorry, man. I didn't know. I didn't know it buggy so much. Oh, so this is great. I'm so stoked. Here, here, rip it out. Let me make it easier for you.

There's my chest here. No? Why are your nails painted? Fuck off. I tried as hard as I could. So this is a. Is that for the Wooten Klan concert? When you're hoping you got him with the EU?

This is what I thought the color was. You got! You got, look! Kappa Donna! He was way in the back. Look! No, Max did these obviously, but every now and again, someone will ask me who did him, and I'm like,

I didn't. I tried really hard. See him? Anyway, what do you got coming up, big guy? Big guy. She's fucking dick. Oh, I got a new podcast out called Coastal Idiots with Catherine Blanford, available on YouTube.

Shane is acomedian.com for all my shows. There are plenty of them and, uh, yeah, subscribe to all my stuff, please. You can ask him if he's headlining? He knows I am. I don't know why I asked that. I haven't heard you mention the New Orleans thing before. I don't think I have.

No, I've been terrible about saying the dates. Of course you're headlining, but I'm like, you haven't mentioned it before. Well, when we were, when we recorded that last chunk, I just, I just didn't even think about it. Yeah. Because I'm stupid. you were drunk you were drunk as a skunk i wasn't not you were i mean i wasn't but i wasn't not yeah you keep your feet down bud my foot's occupying your airspace no you can get it over there

you want to no i'm kidding yeah share the thing i don't know if it's if nah she'll people can put their feet on it's already bummed about the thighs you could put it up yeah you might be out of frame now who's that Kyle canane is here at Kyle I'm talking. So nothing has changed. No, exactly. Nothing has changed. Keep on yapping away.

I've yapped my way to a home. I've yapped my way to a home. I've yapped my way to a home. I yapped the food on this tape. I yapped this podcast. This goddamn roof was yapped, all they? Ada just talking to her friend like, yeah, he just keeps yapping, so I suppose.

That's all married. Shut up, shut this guy the fuck. You haven't paid for the braces in your mouth. You give me all that lip with. Kyle, where can people see you? I got so uncomfortable from a lunch. Yeah, we have a lot of lunch.

What you guys got? Tortas. Gwerto. Guero on 20th. Yeah. That's a good spot. And I got a crookie. A crookie.

Oh, yeah. It's a croissant that they just... Your underwear's wedged and deer A. They can get a yeast infection from those. You should be good. It's a Croatian jewelry thief. There it is. He's in the garage now.

I'm not going to let him leave. It tells me where my mother's rings are. They don't know how doors work. Just close them off. They're children. They have small hands. They call garage doors the mouths of God. They always speak Croatian or violence.

So if you can't communicate in either of them. punch himself out there's no word for please in either of those languages he's in there wearing himself out trying to win Eurovision so he'll be I'll just check in a couple I threw him in there with a drum machine and a saxophone

we'll see what happens get your money back me they're getting hit or I'm hiding a body I don't know so a cookie yeah it's a could they put a cookie they baked a cookie instead of a croissant they didn't ask

if they could. They just did it. I mean, what you said. And then it was a, we could all agree, a hot man and a half top. Yeah. Half tops. The crop. The crop tops? Folly back. Are they back? Like in an 80s kind of. That kid was cool as hell and he was wearing one too. And he was hot.

Yeah. He was a good looking dude. You're involved. Thanks for the invite. You're involved. Well, and I'm thinking like, well, you think about like you put hair nets on and stuff when you're working around food, but this guy's just belly hair flaunting. That's sold to crook. That's sold to Crookie.

Oh, she's all the crooky, but I wouldn't have... You said keesh level? He was right at keesh level with his belly. I don't... There's a keesh back there, and his belly's right on. He'd feel he could have gotten... Kyle shared a private anecdote here. That we might have to...

Snip, snip. Clean cut. Clean cut. Kish level. Kish level belly. A taut. A tot. A tot belly. He was, uh, yeah. He was working it. He called me boss.

And I didn't like it. What's your least favorite one of those? Is it boss? And it's Bubba and it's him. And I've relented to it. I've lost way. It's more comfortable with it. But mine is guy.

Oh, I don't like guy. Yeah. Because you are a guy. Yeah. That's just like, Hey, what's up,

Guy? I can't. Mr. is one. What about? Mr. seems like always negative. In like, well, Mr.

is like a formal. What if someone's like, yeah, what's I'm doing? Mr. Mr. Like, you know, it's like, there's like, there's nothing wrong with it. It's a ma'am.

It's like a ma'am. Yeah, but Mr. Well, sir and ma'am are just like manners to me. But Mr. is like, if somebody who's 15 goes, Mr. I'm like, am I wearing a bowler's hat? But how do you can call me ma'am? It's like, you can call me miss, but ma'am means that you're calling me old. What about chief?

How do you feel about chief? Chief, I would be like, that's odd. That's a weird one. Do you like buddy? I call a lot of people. I say butt all the time. I love it. I have to tell people I'm not kidding when I say.

There's a guy name. It's out. So I think I can burn it, Brenda Satch. has this bit where he goes nothing worse than women call when women call you buddy and he goes well i'm still in love with you my guy oh that's that's my least favorite is my guy yeah because the kids are throwing a goddamn my on it for something no thanks that's my favorite one to throw around my guy i feel like you say my guy to me a lot i've never once said it never ever there's different levels of my guy there's like that's a very nice well if i'm being like kyle's my guy sure

Well, that's not all the time. Well, he's like, oh, what's up my guy? If I said that to you, you wouldn't like, you would not like that? You would do that. This guy, this guy is different than my guy. You've never said that ever. I've never heard you say. No, I'm saying, my guy.

If I said it. I only use this guy. He's this guy for dogs. Well, yeah. Yeah, look at this guy over here. Who's walking who? That's a good one. See someone walking a dog?

Who's walking who? Who's walking who and you fucking throw a squirt on them? Kyle's menacing in the bushes See, you're ugly, dogs hot, pick one Get out! It's the summer of Kanae. Failed to drink a squirt. Speaking of turns of phrase, though, it's funny

When you say you're going to get the yaks on the water. Yeah, take the yaks out. I like that one. Throwing my yaks out there. How many yaks you got? Two. Got two yacks? Double yack.

I like that. You don't like, hold on, like a... No, two. I've got two years. You don't have like a two maniac. You do it like Van Damme going on the river, one foot in a check? What? Like Van Damme going on the river, one foot in each check? Ball skimming across the top of the water.

If you could, I bet like Toriamos and two pianos. I like a Toriamos and John Claude Van Dam now have met as they should have met years ago. In the right world. Well, they're mostly emodextra. John Claude Van Amos? Those are two things that go together, speaking of parents. Okay. Yeah, that is.

John Claudeville, well, that's, so the parent, what we're doing, my name is Ian Cromwell, where can people see you? Where can they? Doesn't matter. I quit. All right, we're all out. Grand Rapids in October. A special feature, Sean Jordan. I'm headlining.

You didn't know that either. I guess Sean's deadlocked. My name's Ian Carmel. just Ian Carmel across platforms Listen to all fantasy everything You look comfy I'm comfortable as hell My guy, you look comfy

You didn't like it at all, did you? I liked it You didn't mind it? My guy from a friend It doesn't bother me Because I know I love you And you love me What about brough?

I like bros great I said bro But bru Brough? Brough, bruh Depend on who's saying Brough I can't

Yeah I don't think Because bro can be kind of aggressive Brough Brough is grub Bro got Brow got utilized too much You know

I catch myself When I'm saying when there's someone younger than me I do it all I'm like thanks bro I do it all the time at like restaurants and coffee shops and stuff

and then I walk away like you sounded like a fucking loser when you also because you pull them in too you get them in the class when you like pull them in you're like thank you bro yeah

thank you dude and I lean into one of their ears I go this is why I served thank you thank you for the furholes brother yeah brother

brother brother find yourself needing sheet rock hung in Palpin'am? Brother, what's your relationship with Christ? Strong or solid? Where are you, brother? Where are you on your jury? Easy, my guy. I'm talking to our brother

about his relationship with Christ. Oh, Chief. Do you want to go shopping for board shorts? Board shorts feel like they're gone. What's your relationship with father? Where's your dad, brother? You want to go talk about Jesus? Aksong dressing room?

Yeah, they still got dressing rooms. I used to work at Paxon. You ever genuflect and fluttered Sunglass hut? Brother, do you ever found God in a Wilson's leather? Cold. Shane said he used to work at a Paxon.

I didn't know that. Yeah. Yeah. That was. I thought that was a cool job with hemp and necklaces started? I told him not to bring it up, Shane. Here he's doing it, you know?

I'm sorry about that. He's crossing you. No, no, no. Did I have hem necklaces? He's crossing you like the hemp necklace crossed your shirt. The last time we saw it. Yeah, it was, oh, no, that was your chain.

It was nylon. I still had the chain. I hear good things about this chain. I haven't seen it. I like that chain. I hear a great thing. Just on the other side of tasteful and I appreciate it.

I think you got to be your special. Just on the other side of taste. Are you not wearing it right now? Not right now, but I brought, yeah. Did you bring it with you? It had to fly separate. It didn't see. I have to check it.

I'd like to see this train. You might catch it tonight. I don't have anything to promote. We'll be at a festival that takes place in a city. This will be well announced. Mile high by. Oh, you were doing a thing. Yeah, that's all right.

Yeah. Denver, you dumb fuck. Are you there for that, Kyle? Yeah, I'm playing the last night of it. Are you excited about it? Yeah, yeah. I just couldn't remember. which day it was.

How fucking A, easy. Don't do anything wrong. Don't misspeak. I couldn't remember what day I was doing it on. Brother, brother. Don't. Don't take a tone that I don't love, brother. You call me, brother, you can shake my foot.

Will you put your bare foot against my bare foot? Brother, whose feet are bigger, brother? Brother, will you cut my cap meat with your bare foot? Will you wash my feet with your feet? Put it way up high. Yeah. Wow. All right.

Now, Kyle, crawl under it. Take your shirt off and crawl Stop adding details Look back at me like Tani Kattain on the hood of a car You're just And then kind of growl Be wet I haven't even agreed to the first part

You're adding so much Let me warm up Let me warm up to the idea It's gonna happen one of two ways The latter part really seems more What you're into Is it would get you to be wet while you're in there Be wetter

Is that also something Stop, stop, stop, stop Oh, wow Whoa, whoa Lunch before Found the button Welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything

Holy cow You're clacking it Man, that was a good one boys That was a good one We're drafting blank At the blank Taking the finger boys down to Bean Street That when you wipe

Shane's butt for I have to pee. Say it while you're peeing. Taking the finger boys down to Bean Street? I don't know. You're riffing, you jump in on a thing. I can do an improv in Korean over here. I don't know what's going on, man.

Are we still going? still be recording we don't yeah we're not taking a break I'm just double checking feel free fucking feel free dude let it rip it went backwards huh

I have oh brother brother brother brother I was cruising subpovado on my way down to Pizmo the other day and I stopped and pulled over and I thought about you

brother I rented a condominium in Pizma Beach and the entire thing was infested with three or two if you can get past the break wave you don't know child sport out there if you're past the break wave you're rich

Bank accounts aren't real out there Brother, I got divorced through international waters Which means she owes me Supplementary support Brother Deasance to catch that undertoe in, bro We should buy You should get like a first class ticket

And I'll get the one that's like touching the bathroom And then we'll just scream the whole fight like Brother! Hey brother, what's is it bumpy up there? Smooth sailing up here, brother. Send back some Kohl'slaw. That's what they're serving. Send it back. No, I don't need a fork. I'll just use

my hands, brothers. Fourteen B. I'm in the middle. Send it back. God gave me a couple forks right here. Flight attendant Janus. Would you bring the Ziploc bag full of Kohl's back to the man with his attendant? My boy's munching out back there. Ma'am, bro. Please. Ma'am, bro. I don't know.

I was born in the 80s. Is there a doctor on the flight? I need to talk to so many who owns the Lexus. I just want to get a second opinion on this thing going on with my foot. When was the last time you turned on the overhead thing. Yes, in the small room with the expensive stuff.

Randy, stop him. No. Randy, stop him. Mom! Oh, you guys turned your hand. When was the last time you turned on the... How many more bits were done while I took a piss? We did a whole backwards hat thing.

Said brother a few more times. He talked about Pismo and Redondo. Sablova. Manhattan. Hermosa. Hermosa. Brother, I had a show on Hermosa the other day, and it was all right. Oxnard.

Oxnard. Oxnard. Where you're from? Hold on. Hold on. My great-grandfather left me a property in Oxnard. The way that your head was shaking a little bit. Your hat looks like it serves a medical purpose.

It doesn't look like skin. It looks like it was put there. It looks like you had an eye patch, but the patch part fell off. And you're still wearing the band. Get your hand out of the way. That looks like a different person's forehead. We're available on YouTube if you're just listening to this. I like how you can't calm those eyebrows.

One of your eyebrows is coming out of your head. Is it really? You can't calm them down. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's got those brows, right? Oh, yeah. He's got the brows and the eyelashes.

Yeah. It's pretty much a copy paste. I hope what's inside the head is more mom than dad. But we all do. Well, the engine's modern. Because everything on the exterior is Beaverton classic We're drafting blank in the blank

Which is Things enjoyed at a certain place Is that about right? Ish? I have different ways Okay, I thought we were doing pairing I feel like it's loose But it's like a thing in a place

It's a thing in a place Right? Sort of Yes, I feel like there's a lot of room I'm gonna loosely I'm gonna do what I do Well, you do what you do. It never stopped you.

It's street Latinas in the Iglesia. Yeah. It's just what you would like in the other place. See, pizza in the tub. Pizza in the tub. I was already, I was going to say. That was already, somebody already had that now they've got to redraft.

I'm going to have some wild pivots. I can't do the hot food with the wetness around like that. I don't eat, I don't eat the bath. Are you taking cold? You're talking in an ice plunge, pizza in the ice plunge? Because then I could do it. I've never eaten in bath. That's disgusting.

You know, I used to get breakfast in the bathtub every day before high school. Wait, what? Yeah, I feel like we've we've talked about this so much. Sean's the star of gumbo. You don't want to talk about, you don't want to have a reoccurring.

Sean Gumbo. Yeah, Sean Gambo. I used to eat breakfast in the bathtub probably until I was a senior in high school. A senior? Yeah. Was this brought to you?

And then I graduated. What's the tone for? Well, the most surprising part is graduated. I graduated without honors. It's very feasible that you could have been in the bathroom. with a boner eating scrambled eggs? I don't, not, no.

No, why would I have a boner? Because the eggs are so dink, dude. It's really good. I didn't have one until the eggs showed up. This came out of a clover. It's a bird's all-purpose hole. You got rocked up in the bathtub. Chicken bussy.

My breakfast fell out of a chicken bussy. could be you have a bit of that new breakfast spot here in portland chicken bussy i don't get the bussy part it's bussy oh the bussy yeah i get it now what did i say it wrong sorry i don't employ that word often it's all right thank you for respect in my culture i understood it's bussy uh-huh bussy for boy pussy yes but a cloaca is sort of a bird pussy so the beast o works and ass it's every it's an all-purpose So it's still a bussy. It's a bussy.

And in many ways, it's the newest kind of making of channel. Welcome to another episode of All Purpose Everything. All Purpose Everything. Welcome to another episode of Bud Dussie. Another episode of Get Loopy and figure it out. We're figuring it out. So blank of the blank, that's the topic. Yeah.

Now, the way we're determined the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors, play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Okay. Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot. Oh, Sean wins. A scissors.

A fingernail-clad scissors against two rocks. and he did a great job. Thank you. Scissors beats rough. In this... The freeway. It's odd man now. Okay.

You guys change it every time. No, it's remarkable. Okay, okay, okay. Remarkably consistent. See that cross? Now he's not, now, here's what's happening. He's not comfortable, but he's going to stay like that for a while because he did it to prove a point. Thank you very much.

Thank you very much. I like it. I don't have to explain myself. That's awesome. That's awesome. Snake Guys was in the basement, could never quite figure out how to recline it fully. Crumbs everywhere. That's one of your better. Is that? That was a good story?

All right, I'm going to remind me, I'm going to tell Laura when I get home. Call her right now, Della. Holy Buckets, I was at work, and I was talking about stank guys. Yeah, I get paid when I'm on this show. Don't get rid of the ball. Well, then wear pants instead of shorts. It's coming upon you to determine the order to today's Before you do that, we'll remind you is a serpentine draft.

And what is that exactly? Great question. Give it a shot. What do you think of this? Oh, no. What do I think a serpentine draft is? It's like squeegee in your windshield. Actually, it's a really apt description.

I know it is. Thank you. Wow, we got it right once. Why don't you go to the bathroom again? We were having a lot more fun. That's when we were having fun. I had a good one, but now you're having. What was it?

Did you go tape all my chest hair to yours? That's why you're ripping it out. Just go back to New York on your stoop, like, yeah, no, I just always look like this. I never wore tanked up before. With taped on chest air? I'm just wearing a wife. A child's hobo costume? Sitting out there with your water ice.

It's just Elmer's gluing coffee ground. but it gets the point of growth. I'll really have the chain out then. Yeah. You just got your coney, you know? You're just mixing up. That's like Detroit and Philadelphia. Oh, crap.

Yeah. Oh, bummer. Anyway, let's just go right down. Anyway, all right. Write down God's old. Shane, Sean. Kyle Ian is the order. You don't want to start?

I'll start. Okay. All right, with the order then. Okay. Me, Kyle, Shane, you. shit Sean Kyle Shane Ian Sean Kyle Shane Ian

Just a couple dudes Yeah Sean Kyle And Shane Ian are coming over Yeah they went to private school Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha Uh I'm Sean in the blank of the blank

You have the first pick And we're going to get to that first pick right after the short break This episode of all fantasy Everything is brought to you by Factor Now summer you're busy. You don't have a ton of time to sit and meal plan and maybe even less time to actually sit and cook. Factor is a smarter, tastier, chef-prepared way to get that dietitian-approved meal

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promo code All-Fantasy. Hey, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed, except, of course, for Coastal Elites. Available now on YouTube. YouTube. All streaming platforms.

Shine Torres and Catherine Blanford. Brof. Mad for it. Man for it. And what do you get up to in your podcast? Oh, she's a wild bird. that's it all right

that's what I got for breeder it was a short elevator right do the thing where she bear hugs you and jumps down a flight of stairs

on your podcast you mean pancakeing that'd be nuts Trevor pancake on your podcast is this a good British accent or no it's not bad right

it is uh it is uh you remember how Adomian would do um it's one of them villain or gay guy like he would have that bit it's very close to that kind of like when he was

doing like the way Adomian would do oh really I always thought it was more like this kind of British accent yeah I think you can I think you can you can say that we're doing more of uh yeah James is not doing that I'm saying you're exact like that yeah yeah yeah yeah that sounds like the accent British people do about other British people

are making fun with they make right we would do southern accent oh right right this fucking idiot he probably talk like this that's the British people would be like Except you're just real posh. Very posh. Very posh. You're very posh accent.

Have you ever met these people from in Bristol? And they're like, awful, do, dogs, or like, that's what it sounds like. This is a real like, now, 007. Listen, if you're a listener in Bristol, come see us in Denver at High Plains Comedy Party. We're doing your High Plains. It's as close as we're getting to Bristol this year. All right. But it is further east than Portland.

Not that we're performing in Portland. Oh, Denver is far. I was like, yeah. Yeah, they're both there. Can I go? Yeah, dude. Let a rip. Party in the house.

A house party. Oh, man. Are you guys having a party in the house this week? Just thinking about having a party. We're going to invite you, but now that you're a cop, we can't. We also don't call it a house party. When you're trying to finagle a house party into the conversation you do. I'm having a party in the house.

Yeah, yeah. You'd find out that's what Canadians call a house party. I thought usually so-and-so's in the house. Now we can have a party. We can have a party in the house. Sean's in the house. It seems like the party's in the house. Yeah.

You know when the party starts? When everybody gets in the house? When I walk in. You probably don't leave until the thing ends. And in the meantime, in between time. Until the break of dawn? Not anymore. Until the brick or break of midnight, probably.

If I'm really, really gunning for it. So I get enough text from the wife. Those will come in. Did you drive? I am. That's the one where it's, and I'm going to do it when I get home, be like, so I'm going to take an Uber to the shoe tonight. And then she'll be like, when's that Uber going to get you home?

And I'll be like, midnight. When was the last house party everyone wanted to? Starting with me. Okay. And that's how I met Sean Penn. It's been a, man, I'm washed. It's been a minute. Yeah.

Like the last, like, legit. I mean, I was at one like three weeks ago. I was going to say, do like big barbecues count? See, I don't think so. Yeah. What about holiday, like Halloween parties or something? I think that does if it's inside the house mostly.

Yeah. I think it does. What about like a Christmas party, then? See, that doesn't to me. Mm-mm. Why? How do you feel? I don't know why.

I don't know because I'm Jewish, okay? All right? Wait, so am I. You're not giving restrictions. You got tattoos. So we, you'll do anything. apparently you don't know about tattoos suck dick

what out you don't know you Leviticus at all I don't want to get into it here you know what tattoos are called when they're on Randy's arm tattoos Oh that's worse Yeah

You jerk Tatjews Tatjus is what I thought It was the implication No no you couldn't think of that Only the superior Only the superior Jewish minds

You can think of that Well, those words get thrown together. The superior Jewish mind as exists on this side of the room. Don't give my people more things to be afraid of. Things ever gone wrong between the Polacks and the Jews, right? Are the Canadians? What are you? What are you anyway? A little bit of everything. Hillbilly is what it comes down and boils down to.

Hillbilly? Yeah, because I'm not going to trace back every little... Have you Dago Fingerling going back into my history? Is there so much... Italian in there? Yeah. Is there really? Yeah.

Off the books. A Chicago. So Chicago off the books of Chalien. The name didn't make it. The fluids got in there, but the name didn't show up. Nothing got legal about it. Canino. The Canino's.

It's been a while. It's been a while. A grandmother born a divine intervention or whatever you're calling it. But house parties are always dang, so. Oh, nice. There you go. Put a little lid on it. button on it. Yeah. Yeah, I can't think of, I think the last house party I went to is one of the, like, New Year's Eve ones. We had the

Fortress of Solid dudes, probably. Yeah, man, those were fun. Hosting the party where people just, like, cycled through. We didn't have to do anything except to sit there and drink 40s. Get fucking blasted. Sip out of that Johnny Blue. Party in the house, all right? I liked, I liked running from cops at house parties. And then I remember doing that after I was 20, wasn't even in my house and I was like in my 20s, but cop showed up and people ran I'm like I'm just gonna run it too I got like halfway through the backyard and I still had a bear I'm like what am I doing? Yeah I hung out

a few times and I was like hey I'll I'll talk to him I'm not doing anything wrong I'll just talk to the guy and it was fun because you're not doing anything wrong there was no way to like prove anything yeah just here you know it was more fun talking to the cops dude yeah you love I don't say that a lot you're a big

house party in high school and the cops showed up and everybody went over to like started hopping the back fence and the for the football team jumped on it and he just brought the whole thing Yeah

God I remember a house party in high school I had to knock on the door Stu Dancered who like decided he was the door guy for the house party Great

Great energy We were standing It was like me and Adam or something We're standing there And he shuts the door And he's like Hey can Sean Jordan come in

And I hear a lot of people Like nah Neob's door He's like sorry bro And I was just like Damn Right then I was like I'm gonna be a comedian

Mike Stewart Show you What happened Mike Stewart. He got braces when he was like 30. He's about to take those bus benches for his real estate company. And I think he ended up apologizing to me one day for what he did. So I'm sorry for airing you out like that.

What's the worst thing you ever did at a house party? No. No. I can give you some stuff I did, but I can't. I'll give it to you outside. Check you for wires. Is that what you're doing? You're checking me for a wire when you're ripping my chest?

No. What are you? I hate you We'd pee in the garbage cans a lot Yeah I did that Yeah I was a real immature gotcha Sometimes I'd steal a DVD

Out of a DVD case Oh there's a lot of you stolen CDs Really bad stuff Like honestly really annoying Yeah just being in a Hide in the beer cans And like where the parents would find For like for sure find it

Just being a real shit Yeah I kept a basketball at the wall one time And made a hole And never told them that I did it So it was like a basketball size hole in the wall Cool Yeah

Is that the worst Because you framed it like you did some shit That doesn't like spoil that you had a That doesn't necessarily rat you out You'd be like I kicked a basketball And there's a hole in the wall You know like Yeah

It doesn't like Yeah To drive home the hillbilly blood in me I got real excited I didn't even do it But we're at some party At this girl's house And I didn't like her shit

Because she kicked my birthday Dagwood Out of my hands Because at Denny's you get a free sandwich And I got a dagwood I liked a lot I was going to take half of it home, and she kicked it out of my hands in the parking lot, so I didn't like her.

But there was a house party at her house, my friend put a ladder in her above-ground pool so we could do cannonballs, but it tore a hole in the bottom of the above-ground, flooded the neighbor's yard. That's what you get for kicking my birthday sandwich. Got to be right. I know who this woman was.

My birthday sandwich? Yes, you do. Yeah, yeah, I know. She used to be married to a friend of ours. Yes. Did she high kick the dagwood out? Like, where were you holding it? It was like in a bag.

Yeah, it was an impressive kick. Admittedly, if it wasn't my sandwich, it would have been hilarious. hilarious yeah yeah yeah seems funny now it is but also it's my birthday yeah it's actually a birthday sandwich that's not okay what's her name and address to be discussed to be mentioned it's an interesting story how see shay knows who they're party in the house good pick i ate in high school at nick man pays he was having a house party and i ate uh this is only cell farm but i ate popery because I was like

I came to a point in my life where I was like I have to know what it tastes like and it smells so good it was like a cinnamony one and I'm like I just have to know what potpoury tastes like probably not good but what kind of not good it tastes like chemical you weren't doing the classic party gag of like oh man this checks

mix is weird no I didn't even I was just like I announced I was like I'm going to taste potpourri and then a couple people were interested only a couple it wasn't a lot Did you impress her? No.

It was mostly dudes. And I think Nick's sister. I think that's like who was there. And it's gross. You don't have to do it. Carms did that so you don't. Carms did that so you don't have to. Call myself, Carms.

This July 4th, remember that. Just sliding it in there. Call myself, Karndt. Can I get a name for the reservation? Yeah, Carms. Seeing if they're cool with it and they're like, I don't give a shit. I'm that feeling of, did you make a reservation for tomorrow? Oh, no, we don't.

We're all right. Oh, do you want to go to Cannard tomorrow night? Carms is that Canard? Carms is that Canard. Carms is doing a Saturday, Canard tomorrow night. I don't know what that is. It's a great restaurant here in Portland, Illinois. It's my favorite restaurant in the world.

We'll discuss this. No, it's good audio content. What are you talking about? What does everyone want to get? How should we split the check? You got the faccia, and I didn't want it on it. It's like appetizers? You can get there early?

Yeah, it's like small plates. It's great. Okay. Kyle Kinane. It's time for your first book. Things in a thing. Party in the house off the board. all right

pigs in a blanket yes a k a cops and body bags pick either one you want to talk about guys that's an anarchist menu

that was the first choice before we even had the topic picked up we're drafting things that make you hard thanks for everyone to come into the benefit anti-a-a-old

God, there's got to be at least one diner in this town that's calling them cops and body. I'm pretty sure it's the one on Clinton. What's that guy? Dots. Oh, Dots would for sure do it. Yeah. Well, if they're not, that's free for the take and for anybody out there. We should be able to go into Dots.

You should be able to trade that name for a velvet painting of a tiger. I would get that tattooed. A pig in a blanket and says dead pigs are dead dogs. Sean's sitting this one out because he has to go back to South Dakota. That's, boy. officer officer i was just sitting there i was merely a bystander a bysitter if you will a bestander a besitter a besitter uh i love pigs in a blanket yeah conceptually both i like them both as literal uh things and both as uh what they could mean for each other and uh yeah

little sausages and pancakes oh why wouldn't you they're just former uh commissioner of the nba david Stern, who was like, RIP, the greatest commissioner of the NBA, mandated that there had to be pigs in the blanket at every event he was at. He was the head of the NBA. And he was like, oh, we're doing a big party for every? There have to be pigs in a blanket. And you would see, for everybody or just for him? Well, Jeff, he's got to be five. One of them for everybody. I want five dead cops. I want to send a message. You want Michael Jordan at your party? Five dead cops. It was for, like, he wanted them for everybody. but as long as he got them

and you would see him you'd see him like in the middle of a conversation apparently this is like apocryphal but then like a tray would go by and he'd like excuse me and walk over and mung gung gung really

you guys ever had colaches they're like giant pigs in a blanket like no there's a place there's a place called Slovichax off of 35 like just outside of Austin Slaviches like between OKC and Austin it's pretty notorious

yeah it's like a giant pig in a blanket but they make the sausages in the dough like it's there and they'll do like jalapenos and different kinds of sausages in them and stuff it's Slovichex is like... It's in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, yeah. It's like literally in a town

called West Texas. The town is called West. Oh, wild. Yeah. Do you get them jalapeno mouth? We'll be right back. My guy, that was funny, bro. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks a lot. Kalachi is one of those boots you wear when it rain. We'll be right back with the moral fantasy everything. It's a great pick. Pigs in a blanket. Shane Torres.

I don't know if I'm able to get away with this, but uh, Jack. I just called for dead cops, man. Hangovers are jacking off. I'm in the middle of hangover. Hold on. Blank in the blank.

You phrase it so it's blank in the blank. I'm in the middle of a hangover. Jacking off and a hangover. to your jacking off. Checking off in a hangover? This is going to be a one guess round. I'm going to allow it. What do you?

I have no say. You're the dirty bird. Why does that pair better than not jacking off during a hangover or just jacking off? Oh. When you're a clear mind. Because when I have all that anxiety, I need some endorphance. When you get drunk, your body releases. All the like serotonin and stuff, your body releases, you need to balance it out the next day and beating off.

helps that helps balance the anxiety that's why you always want like tons of greasy food and all that I mean because it's dank but also it's just the chemicals in your body are all cranking one out it's all going to go you could wrap a party in a house the night before you don't need to be hung over to do any of this

what if you wrap a pancake around your dick and jack off like that hell yeah and then it's a pig now we're really talking about it dies and then it dies and Michael Jordan walks by that's how they came up with the name for the grand slam

I don't think I could do it with a pancake not with that attitude like what's the integrity of this pancake it would fall apart on you really you need a waffle pretty low if it's wrapped around my bad dude it's like one of those like flapchacks

one of those like like like a wild frontier flat jack that's the term that's you can't do unless he's flammacket if you go to brunch and beat off you call it flatch

well now I got to make a note of that because that'll probably be the clip that my wife sees I'm going to help me edit this I just come back in the wedding rings on the desk and the clip's all edited about to come get me another ramekin she just dear Sean that was the last and ugliest thing I do for you

I don't like your skullduggery that you've got. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. But I know now. I hope you and your shitty friends have a one shitty time. I never liked them. Not even Ian. Not even Ian. What is it?

How did you compliment yourself? I hate that he married us. Give him a copy of this. His stupid jokes during He's a bad writer He was so proud of his stupid All about you The late late show is the lowest form of entertainment

In the last 30 years of America I rue the day the two of you met I feel like it changed what would have been a great husband Sometimes I wish one of you had died To save the other With love Your X Y when you text me now it goes straight to my attorney

yes i left your art skateboard deck on the wall i left your i took half of your shoes to pay for max's college all of the childish time-wasting things you call hobbies so much. Thank you for everything you do. My first pick and my final pick. No, you have four more after this. Oh. Oh, well, that changes

everything. Shithead. Jacking off and a hangover. Okay. Flap jacking. I'm going to do, this is, this is painfully traditional now, but I'm going to do Pena Colada in a pool. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, there's a reason it's a thing.

No euphemism there. No euphemism whatsoever. I'm just talking about standing in the shallow end of a pool with a pinia collata, with a little umbrella in it and a rum float on top of it, getting progressively drunker, and then going for like a real good swim, like a push off the wall.

Your top half's just hot enough? Oh, just hot enough. And you're getting cooled on the inside. Time to put the drink down. You eat the pineapple slice first, or you wait? I usually am halfway through. Immediately. You immediately? Yeah, I go immediately. I usually can't wait. I enjoy

pineapple sauce. Or I throw it in a dork. Don't get me a whole one Go grab the bottle I told you I want a fucking straw You're a dork Enjoy your bus ride home Where's your mom that dork Sir we don't sell alcohol at this pool

Who'd you get this gal on? Who's walking who and I just throw it over the fence Guys got a dog Somebody with a stroller You got to see the bit You see the pit? I'll wear my shirt if I want to. Yeah, I go shirt, no pants, though, in the pool.

You wear a long-sleeved button up. I wear a tuxedo, so it covers the stuff. But, yeah, no swimming suit. Just like a long... No swimming suit. Regular suit, yes. I don't wear my bathing suit. That's how I got breakfast in the tub.

I had a bathing suit. Oh, I'm wearing my bathing suit. Wake up, take a bath. What were the logistics? Would your mom bring you? Was there breakfast waiting for you? Or would you like, would you? Like, I'd leave it outside the door and I'd get out.

And you'd get up. Were you in the pool? Were you in the tub already? So would you get out wet? Varian degrees of how far into the bath I was. So would you swash over to the door and pick up your what? Sometimes. And what was the food usually?

Prime rib. I'd pick it. Pripsies. Every day I'm like, I said I didn't want the bread. And I throw the bread outside. You're just confeating yourself. Gross. Bring the barbecue sauce.

You would get out of the tub. Sometimes. Rarely. And get back. Normally I wasn't in the tub yet. Don't make it sound like it's not as bad as it is. You're just walking over wet, leaning over. The fact that you get back in the tub is the most disturbing part.

Gentlemen, the aggression is what I don't know. No, it's deserved. I'll answer all your questions. It's deserved. Are you holding the plate sitting in the tub or sitting on the side of the tub? It was on a trait that would fit. the tub so i'd set the tray like unfortunately just like the cover of gummo

but it just was breakfast stuff was it wasn't spaghetti okay no unless it was Friday I wake up on Monday hey mom is it spaghetti Friday can it be were you so what was it like cereal it'd be no no it was usually

a little more intricate than that now I was like it'd be toast it'd be sometimes it'd be oatmeal you think toast is more intricate truck out there okay What do you think it was? We're looking around like we were being invaded by the phone. I thought it was a phone or like an audio feedback thing.

You're fucking prick. Okay? We're in the studio right now, all right? You come of me again? You think I don't know what truck sound like? I've been in one. He's got me there, but I don't know. I saw a couple of them today.

All right, yeah. You've seen me in a truck. The most extravagant thing you ate while you were in the tub. I mean, by the way, it's weird that you start with breakfast in the tub. Was the egg not done? enough and you just poached it over your bad dude just twirled them over easy until it got to where you want it to me mix some herbal essence in with it

here we go doing a plank over the tub what were we talking about the food you eat in the back yeah it has a breakfasty stuff on a tray young man did you ever have a waffle on the tub yeah sorry

sorry for being a no food's gonna sound okay no it's true yeah no what would be the most okay Soup gets worse. What's the worst? Soup is bad. Soap is good. Soap is the only thing should be in the fucking...

The best is like chocolate-covered strawberries. That's the bad for breakfast. Chocolate covered strawberries. I feel like the worst is like pudding. Oh, pudding. I got high and decided to eat it. I revisited Deuce Bigelow. Yeah.

The other night. That's a huge bitch. Yeah. Eddie Griffith. Eddie Griffin eating in the hot tub. Oh, with the tomatoes. The tomatoes and ice cream. So fucking funny.

That's all I can envision. Now, cakes and pies. But just him eating ice cream out of the hot tub. Yeah, it's very, I do remember. I have a vivid memory of that one. Oh, yeah. We need to go talk to this guy?

This truck guy? That's Kevin pulling the truck back here. I need to go talk to Kevin? Is that when he's happened? I'm kidding. He's done. I'm kidding. I know.

Geez and rice. I'm going to do gin and tonic on a Friday? You're picking a day of the week? so gin and tonic on a Friday gin and tonic on a Friday? Yeah

So this is your like Friday afternoon 40 hours Friday afternoon Friday morning I was eating breakfast in the bathtub You and was drinking gin and tonics Oh drink a gin and tonic I was smoking drinking gin and tonic Reading the London Financial

That's cool Yes yeah That would be smoking in the tub Watching all the old Friars Club roast Didn't you're like a shower beer guy For a while Uh huh Yeah absolutely

I tried to force that a few Where did you put it? I had um One of those, like, racks. Okay. Should have put it in your tummy, bud. That's where it does the most damage. I didn't want to get you, and then I got you.

Look at that. A little fun-loving guy. I love it. I had a speaker, and I take a sip, and then I do a little scrub, and then I pick a song. Take a sip. And as the bit goes, which was true, is when I fell getting out of the shower on the floor. Because you were drunk and dancing. Did it hurt?

Yeah. What was the song? I forgot. At that point, I don't know. It was a two-hour and six years. It was kind of a regular thing for me. There was a regular beginning to my evenings back then. I will say I'm staying at our friend's place and I was in a shower this morning and there were a bunch of lighters on the window ledge and I was like, oh, yeah, that's about right.

Oh, yeah. I knew people that would smoke in the shower and I thought that was wild. That seems crazy. Well, this guy is smoking weed. Yeah, I think it's weed we're talking about. Smoking a cigarette. It seems insane. But, okay, but, like, I would drink because, like, I did enjoy the refreshment of a cold beer with a hot shower.

Not like, not like an alcoholic, like, oh, I got to have it. It's like, no, this is like a little treat. I don't have a big bathroom, but I'm going to have a little treat. I mean, I'm not going to do the bid here, but I'm going to treat myself to a little experience. And maybe that's how people feel about smoking weed is it is like the pleasure of smoking a joint is why they're doing that. It enhances your sensations, does it not? It enhances your sensations, yeah. That's why it's so popular.

You're stoned out of your gourd, yeah. The sensation is like, it's, oh, well, that's a good one. I'm just got a new pick. Tight. That's awesome, dude. Let's hear it. Oh, it's in me. I'm gonna do a...

June tonic on a Friday. Yeah. It's a bad pick. No, it's great. What are you talking about? It's just, what is it? I'm picking mushrooms in the woods. Oh, that's way better.

See? Yeah, that's good. I can't, I can't speak about this because I've never done that drug. When's it going to happen? You should. I don't think I'd freak out? You guys don't want to be pretty well? No.

I think you'd be fine. I think you'd be all right. Okay. Just don't do a hero's dose and you'll be good. I don't think I would. We'll do them in New York. Don't do that. You know the woods.

Let's go to Times Square. We're going to go to the M&M store. We're not going to tell you that's what it is. We'll get it there. You can figure it out. I could have an armored convoy and I would not be okay with that if I was on mushrooms. I've fucking hate it. Letting someone blindfold you on mushrooms and take you to anywhere they want.

That's a trusting experience. Oh, God, that sounds kind of like... Do you think you would freak out about how they are M&M's telling you to eat M&Ms? I think I would freak... You're a cannibal. Yes. Yeah. You're like, you're fucking telling us to eat you, and you're the spokesperson for that?

I kind of wish that would happen. You want an M&M? I think I'd be all right. You want it for everything, though, like a chicken would be like, we love it when you eat. No, just the M&Ms. Or Skittles. You know, Skittles I can happen. You want Reese's pieces.

Mamba's Reese's, yeah. You're like a food vampire. You need to be invited. Yeah. To consume them. You silly Eminem's. We never invite a vampire into your house. Oh, you've asked me to eat you.

Now this is okay. This is fine. Especially the virgins. Yeah. Mushrooms in the woods. The virgin Eminem's. Does Eminem still have a cloaker? Why I got to be that?

Whatever you call a mussey? Why got to be that guy? Is it a mussy? Instead of a mussy? Is that an Eminem pussy? You better hope Eminem doesn't hear this If he hears those two words next to each other You get a verse

You catch a verse You're never safe again This bussy has peanuts in it Jeez Try to keep it on track You don't get to make two picks in a row Shane Yeah

Mushrooms in the woods You should do it I think it's time I'm sure I won't Yeah we could be ready Kyle can't anytime of your second pick oh I've got

like oh well I was gonna say peeing in the shower but just pee-in anywhere you're not supposed to pee yeah yeah but if I got to pick one the shower's fine but the wood you said to it yeah yeah yeah just but like once I like if I'm on a hike or camping after that first leak

I'm like I just I mean it's probably prostate issues too but like I just like every 20 minutes a moment took a leak out here I love it was that somebody turning into a werewolf? Nah, Kyle's peeing over there. Got cramble into these shrubs real quick, guys. You can also just sort of like Vitruvian man

while you piss, because you don't really have to hold it. You can just let it fly where it won't. You can do that anywhere. You can do that anywhere. You can do that at a bar if you want to. I was at the movie theater and the Cedar Hills movie theater. Daytime.

Used to be called Beaverton. Okay, well, daytime, walked in after spinal tap, was Stone, had a good time watching. Funniest last. was a dude in basketball shorts both cheeks out not not doing it as a gag for anybody both cheeks out

just on his phone peeing and I was holding him up with his knees live your life he was a he was a thick enough fellow that it wasn't the intent you could tell he pulled the front down and the elastic just just went around the curve in the back

and he was so engrossed and whatever was just like well I got a lot of things to do right now yeah it's been two hours without communicating with people I got all these people. No, I'm pissing. I'm going to meet him soon. I got to close this deal.

I said I was a spinal tap. What's the last time you saw someone drop all the way down to the urinal? That's always the weirdest thing. I mean, I've never seen an adult. I mean, it's like a gag to do for your friends. I don't think anybody adult. Like I said, I think this was just elastic around the moon. Well, you pissed with second grader's on.

It's got to dip in the grade schools. It's got to pass for every New York public, 138. I really got to bleed the weasel. Nice to see you, sweetheart. I'm not about you the urinal. real quick. How you doing? How's the family, ma'am?

I used to do the thing where I'd go in the and I would slap the wall as hard as I could. I'd go in to take a pee and just bam and just look at whatever stranger in the bar be like, oh, water's cold, huh? Fun one. It's like my dick's so big, but it's in the water. Oh.

Great bit. It's funnier than that, both of you. Both of you, it's funnier than that. Oh, include me. It wasn't great. I've done it with. you in the bathroom. I did it to you like a month ago.

Yeah. You laughed. So you're out of your urinal. You're out of urinal. And you slap the wall really hard. Up top. And you let your bad dude out. Up top.

And you just stand up, you're like, boom. Like you're leaning on the wall. Yeah. Like you're leaning on the wall. Right. It's because your dick's so big. Oh, your dick's in the, yeah. It's in the wall.

You just unraveled it. The whole whole python, you know. I just explain the joke to the guy. He doesn't laugh. And I'm like, it's like it's in the water. No, because my dick's so big. He's like, wait, aren't you peeing in the water? Yeah, bro, but it's the funny part.

My guy is that my take that's in there. It's like a beetle juice arm just rolling out. You know what I'm sorry? You seen beetle juice? You've seen beetles. And then I leave and I come back with a ladder. I just, I do it again to another person. Water's cold, huh?

Is that funny? Look how high up I am. You're peeing all over the wall, dude. My guy, you're peeing on the wall. Why don't you just stand further back instead of going higher up? Stop and think about how big my dick would have to be. For that to be the case. Hey, pinch it off.

My life is hell It's a medical abnormality Some dude taking a dump I'm just looking over the stall I don't have enough blood in my body To fill this thing up all right You have to hold me up That would be a funny one

The back up That'd be a funny I would laugh if I saw someone do that Like six feet back And just trying to get it there How far's your stream now Could you get? If I'm really mad

If I'm really mad If I just paid my taxes I could be by the sink The fuck I vote for him If it wasn't gonna save me any money He said he's he said no war I pee in my backyard I think we talked about this on a reason

Forgive me if we did But I will just watch Not even that I have to pee so bad That I can't make it to my house I'm just like It's your yard I'm pissing back here I pee off the deck

I sit down almost exclusively now To pee That's right I never stand up in the house when I peek It's my house Same rules I leave the door open

Same rules apply No we got a tiny little bathroom I got a yeah It's a bummer Caught an earwig in there today That'll What's that mean? He's still talking about business

Yeah I don't know I think you mean the dick is very big Everything you say could be something else In earwig is flapjacket But you wrap your ear around the dick And you jack off with your This is one that looks like, by the way, what you were just doing.

That's what I would do in the bathroom. Thank you for the breakfast. Just do it with my ear. Say it into this one. This one does it. This one speaks. This one. I just write it in steam on the shower.

Leave the breakfast in the door. Red rope. Give me a white cloth. We'd be late for the bus. Give me a white cloth. I need some learning juice. Go give me a white cloth. Would Laura bring you breakfast in the tub?

Yeah, probably. I mean, it would make this woman do anything else. If I had like a broken leg or something. Yeah. Yeah. I ask. I'm not making. Yeah, we know who's in charge.

She is. She runs my life. I'd be miserable without her. I'd be nothing. I'd owe money to the government. It would suck. I don't even know what our mortgage is. I don't know how much are mortgages.

I'm useless. I'm a bunch of shoes and hats. If your wife blessed me with all of a small time in the house, you would have to like... We've talked about this. It would get done, but it would get done differently. All you guys are all... You're just looking at Maxo to run in your own lives.

So the mom never saying anything about where we keep the toilet paper to you? Max, did mom ever tell you what the mortgage... Who our mortgage provider was? I'm going to need it on a white cloth. this bathtub if I'm going to get this paperwork filled outside. Maxine, does the garbage guy just come? Is that like a bill?

I take it out there. Sean Jordan's calling us again, see if we could come by with the garbage truck. How do I get the mail? Do I have to stand there with my mouth open and he puts the letters in? Where's the mail go? Where's the crank for the electricity? What time do you want to go to bed?

Heads washing dishes with a hose and the yard again. I told you nothing to the only thing I know how to make. Yeah, we're going to watch The Departed again. Are you picking up any math from this at all? More social studies, but there's some big words in there. There's a little geography. South? Yeah.

South East. No, I didn't try to build a fourth. I just haven't cleaned this room in a while. If you go down Providence, it means Providence is below Boston. It's south of Boston. Damn. That's a citizen. than them.

Down. Coastal cities. Oh. Sean. Kean. Get out of here. How about a hot dog at the ball game? Hot dog at the ball game.

God, everything is sex. Hot dog. Ball game doesn't have to be. The ball game. That's where you wrap your balls around your dick and jack off like that. It's a hot dog at the ball game. You can't You've ruined yourself for us

You've spoken like this the whole time I can't think anything It wasn't all slang about being A little hot dog at the ball game Just say what you mean Say what you want to say I mean I'm going to eat a hot dog In a baseball game

Have you been out to the What is it? The Portland Pickles here Yeah Yeah Last dude I burned a heater Right over home play last Your eyes got so big right there

That's right yeah Yeah smoked one over the middle little, no big. But then we were there. What? I saw Kyle there like a month ago. You just ran into each other? We knew.

We texted each other. We're friends, but we, you know, we went. We didn't go with each other. But when we were there, we, you know, we set our pleasantries. But I had a, I had, I, oh, you look well. Yeah. I had a hot dog. It was really good.

Nice, dude. What do you get on your hot dog? You don't want to. question. I do want to know. ketchup and mustard. Is that all right? Yeah. Shampo and condition.

Two different colored poops. What do you want? Body wash. Shaving cream. Hairballs and miracle with. Whatever else I need in the bathtub. What do I get my hot dog paying for parking and my kid doesn't appreciate it?

I just go to Target. You guys got any of that three and one hot dog sauce? Do you already hurt? Get a lot of this guy's Get his third hot dog He just rubs it all over himself Come out, only buckets Do I smell like hot dogs?

Do you guys sell clean dogs? You know they all start like cold dogs Just at the checkout At Target? You know they don't sell them hot you can buy them hot if you have money the money's usually buy your body

does anybody like this I do I'm just caught up in it Hot dog at the ballpark You guys act like I'm crazy Hot dog and dog at the ballpark Great dude That's a good

Yeah Thank you and you're a third pick Oh crap I went first Yeah oat milk in the coffee. You're an oat milkman, are you? Yeah, I switched.

No sex stuff about this. Of course there is. This is probably one of the most, but let's keep it. Let's keep it civil. Let's keep it PG. Why do people like the oat milk in the coffee versus regular milk? I heard milk was bad for you. I believe what Ian and Adam tell me. My friend Adam and Ian, they're like two smartest dudes I know.

I don't think I told you milk was bad for you, did I? Maybe I made that up. All the things that you do to yourself, you're cutting out milk. You know, do what you can It's better than not cutting out milk I haven't even cut it out I just

I don't know I'm lying I do put milk in my I'm sorry Randy it's hot in here You walk man turn the AC on I only drink milk I didn't drink coffee Does I put a little coffee in my mouth

I drink buttermilk all right I fucking drink butter milk I suck a cow I suck off a cow I suck off a cow All right? Oat milk in the coffee. Okay. Oat milk in the coffee.

It milk. It milk is good because it's kind of got like a sweet flavor to it. It's like kind of like kind of it's serious. I've seen more people make that choice and I didn't know if like I didn't know if like a I think it's like a lactose thing for a lot of people. I just heard it's better for you than milk. I swear to God you told me it's better for you than milk. I'm sure.

I don't better. I'm just better. It probably depends on the person but like you know, it's just a lactose option, I think. Okay. I'm just I didn't mean to bust your balls. I'm just saying you're the only. person who's like would get Taco Bell sober with me. You can bust my balls. You can hot dog his ball.

Yeah, yeah. We'll get all that stuff. And you're like, oh, I do milk because it's better for me. I'm like, get the fuck out of that. That's why. It's just the thing. I don't drink milk because I'm lactose intolerant or have gotten progressively lactose. Where we had like, I had like a little scoop of ice cream the other night

and it fucking like ruined me for like eight hours the next day. If you don't have to be graved, what is by ruin? Because I don't know. It wasn't even diarrhea. It was just bloat. It was just like this super uncomfortable unclearable bloat like I couldn't burp it out

I'm still Midwestern enough to be like yeah it happens I mean I'm just ate as a lot of stuff that's good and you don't feel good afterwards I'll still right and I don't register that as like you're being punished for enjoying yourself yeah like the bubbly and the diaphragm like right here right like that's how I feel right now

yeah so that so if you can't like burp it out or fart it out or whatever that's that's bloat like that would be bloated yeah why I always thought bloated just meant you're puffy. Is that bloated too? That can be like water lugs. People are talking about like bloat. I'm like feeling bloated. They usually mean like yeah when it's not a fart or about. Is that feeling

does suck where you like you just none of it come yeah just sitting there? Yeah it's where I'm at right. So oat milk dude drink oat bro. Get rid of that I'll take a bloat. Don't get me wrong I'll take a fucking bloat. I just like it's ice cream gets me. I like how close you would be like I'll take a bloat. I'll fuck and blow

bro. I'll bloat. A bloat. I'll fucking Paul bloat. So, like, if your tummy hurts, it could be bloat. Is that right? It's like neither here nor there, but it's right in there. Brother. You've been reading? Yeah, man.

Holy buckets. Something happens, dude, in between your mouth and your A and off. A lot happens, dude. The dairy's like, I'm not inside a cow anymore. I'm a little upside. Like, I recognize this, but I don't recognize it. It's not chill in here. I'm inside a dark wet, but it's not a dark wet.

You're telling me there's only one stomach in here? Oh, no, cool. I'm feeling cramps. And that's why you get cramps. Tows have three. Why you get cramps. Four? Four.

Really? Just recently, yeah. They've expanded. They're branching out. They're franchising. They're just added one more stomach. Like Universal Studios. They just keep adding on.

They use the PPP loan from the pandemic. And they got another stomach. Sean, get in on a chain. Shane, do you need a hat to wear backwards? Hey, come on, dude. Let's see it. How many stomachs do you have? There he is.

I enjoy hot dogs at the ball game. So do I think that. No, I'm just so full and tired. Oat milk in the coffee. Oat milk in the coffee. It milk in the coffee. What? Time for your third dick.

How about some P and the V? Yeah, who doesn't like it? Who doesn't? like it. No offense, Randy. Just the way God wanted it, you know, okay? Out. Fair enough. Fair enough. I've been looking for a reason to look at Portland's tolerant until you really speak your views. You're not allowed to be straight in Portland anymore. You're just canceling dudes for being dudes, man. Three and a half white guys doing a podcast. We're not allowed to talk about them. I almost put that in the thread today. I was trying to find a reason to say that.

that's crazy three men and a shaney hi oh be in the V though B and the V just as a it's just

I can't believe that's a mid-round pick honestly well we're all elevated it's not disparaging any other whatever's in the whatever's yeah

it's a real it's a chips and salsa starter there's right there's a lot of things You could go guac. You can do scoops. We went all three at lunch today.

There's a lot of options on either end there, but I was under pressure. I was under pressure to pick. You're in for the classic. It's classic. All sorts of a jumping off point. Sure. Two vs, one v, two peas, all sorts of stuff. You could change.

V on a P, M and a V. All these all these bussies we just learned about. All the Bs. All these musses, the M and M. Pussies Clawacas It's all great Clouacas

Little things you snap together In the Spanish music Castanette Castan ass Oh those two Yeah We celebrate it all Here on all fantasy everything

It's all fantasy everything All right Not a little bit All right And just because Pride Month is over It doesn't mean it's not all fantasy everything anymore Point

Point right at Randy No, I pulled me to the camera I know I was doing a little bit Unrequited fist bump In front of the camera Nope Leave me

I don't know that was right P and the V Or whatever Whatever your P might be Yeah And to whatever the V might be For you Yeah

For me Fucking I can't Yeah Yeah What do we I think these are fucking noises And you're just clapping

You're applauding it Let's get it going Yeah whatever It's good it going All right P and the V's a great pick It rules I don't know

I'd make a t-shirt out of that P and the V it rules And it's just You're just sitting there like that With the computer in your left Well Bs is up

Then you move Then you go to a different coffee shop If you're uncomfortable I'm not writing a script I'm working on my screenplay I'm changing

anybody has to play that guitar why isn't your kid why isn't your kid in school right now oh because it's summer I went to summer school you can smarten them up it's a tough world out there wasting time

we'll be right back with more all fantasy everything after this seriously this time this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by

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first month at betterhelp.com slash all fantasy that is better help help.com slash all fantasy and we're back welcome back to all fantasy everything already in progress it's time for Shane Torres to make his third pick I've never been thinking of I'm going to say a body in the woods there is a darkness to you my friend it has always been there oh it's dead what got it there what woods

I think I'm gonna rent myself what'd she do to you it's what she did I don't know it's just the person yeah I mean it's a common turn of phrase you know well it can be

they doesn't have to be dead necessarily hiking my body was in the woods earlier yeah that's what people say yeah making fun of me for saying a party in the house what'd you do what I had my body in the woods

I had my body in the woods yeah yeah I had my son's body in the woods, too. I don't like the way that sounds. Yeah, that was bad. I don't like that you had it. I've had my son's body in the woods. We're doing this together.

There are so many flies in here. It's crazy. I'm still right here, dude. It is crazy. I'm locked in, bro. There's a scorpion on your chair. And it's one of those, it's like got the yellow dot. A poisonous black widow scorpion on your chair.

Bro, what? Shut down the whole mall, dude. Brother, I was reading a magazine the other day and it talked to me about the Black Widow Poisonous Scorpion. That reptile store has only been open six weeks. This is the third time. You can only kill it with my sword. My cousin's brother-in-law is from Pueblo, New Mexico,

and he says they have tarantial scorpion. Bro. The python got loose and KB toys and ate a whole kid. You should get a crossbow. They covered it up. They covered it up, but that happened. You could put any tape in a Teddy Ruxman. Any tape.

You put the Great Melancho and Teddy Rutzman? That's why Coconut's Records isn't even around anymore. Oh, man. That would be tight. Is that your pick, the Great Melancho in a Teddy Ruxman? That's not my turn yet. It's not my turn yet, but it will be. I got you two gifts

I'm doing so I got me one Hey don't play this in front of your dad It's like an awakening Tupac bandana for your Teddy Rucksman there I think you're going to want to put that on Teddy Rucksman just dear mama Body in the woods is Shane's pick

All right All right I'm going to do sandwich on a hike I'm not doing good You're doing bad. No, no, gin on a Friday's great. Gin on a Friday, pinia cloud on a pool. Panicla on a pool is a great pick.

Oh, I did two drinking ones in a row. I think it's because I drank for the first time in a while last night. So this is my fault. This is Shane's fault. Okay. Yeah, sandwich on a hike, you know, like a picnic. Wait, you know, I'm great. Can I change my answer?

It's your show, bud. It's your rules. No, all right, fine, fine. You can't? No, no. Are you stopping to eat it? Are you, like, hiking and eating. Stopping.

You can't be going and eating your. sandwich. I like bringing a little. So here's the exact, let me put, paint a picture for you. I'm exactly what I was thinking. It's, it's like a sandwich, mayonnaise, mustard, turkey. What kind of bread are you on? Cheese, white bread on the sandwich. Potato bread? Soda bread. It's like just a white bread. You eat white bread.

White bread's so good. No, but I think of it fondly. Okay. I don't, I almost ever ever eat bread anymore. Okay. It's at the bottom of the backpack and it's getting like kind of compressed by the water bottle and then you're like two hours into the side. Water, butterful of gin. The water bottle of gin. You're kind of fucking party in these woods.

You're drinking water and you're almost barfing? It's a party in the woods. Not a woods party in the woods. Excuse me, sir. Something's wrong with your water. You're almost barfing. It's all right. No, I'm just heart.

I don't like hiking, I don't think. It's so hot. My wife's real. These scallops don't taste good. scallops Oyster shooters I'm parched oh I've never

gotten food poisoning from a discussion before I just got diarrhea I just got it just over that next clearing we're going to have the oyster shooters I've got this sun-warmed ragu

in my back back it was tartar but I don't know what we're calling now I did I left a bunch of shrimp cocktail out here last week, so we could have it this week. I buried it like a luau. It's going to be awesome.

I call this mayonnaise of the woods. Oh, man, sorry. Anyway, sandwich. No deli called the Mayo Clinic, by the way. That's crazy. I know. That is wild. That must be a lawsuit thing. That there's not like a place called at least a food truck called the Mayo Clinic.

Portland, I got more ideas for you. The Mayo Clinic Deli? just called the Mayo Clinic I know but like to get around the I'm not the legal problem isn't on my shoulders I'm gonna open up one right next to I'm gonna open up the mustard clinic right next to you I wasn't gonna get a fuck about that place

would be like the Hatfield McCoys Kyle's just in there ever since the mustard clinic open it's not even funny it's not even a funny name it's not clever at all it's just a big fuck you look at me in the face every goddamn morning just because nobody likes mayonnaise By the way, we have mustard

You know It goes like we don't have mustard The sandwich So white bread Mayo mustard turkey I just like when it gets a little compress I'm like a squishy sandwich Do you do that to your own sandwiches at home

Do you want to pet them too hard? I'll do you absolutely I'll give them a little I did press the foreman down on it We're called it a quezon art the other day That's what it's called I had no idea She said something about the quezon art

I was like what the hell's a quezener A blender Yeah No it's a formant She was saying it's the foreman Well, now I've got to stop talking about Queefing art It's when a pussy farts, bro

Put the hat on and say it I'm gonna do my hair I'm a hair of mall guy If you see Shane Torres on the road He will be selling his trademark Queef and Art T-shirt And his fucking groovings Queef and art

All right, I wasn't even happy with myself It's like when an elephant paints and I just they throw the lacquer in front of a jet engine and it sprays on the canvas it's just okay sorry

no no you were good I'm trying to do it wasn't it was no I'm not are we on four we're on four I'm about to start I uh let me think here

oh god I just did a sandwich based pick so I'm not going to do another one of those No, I'm thinking out loud here. Who wants to be a millionaire? All right. Got that bloat we've been talking. It's coming in.

You got the bad guts? Yeah, I don't feel good. It's coming in hard. Okay. Nope. Do you want me to stall? How's your prostate? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, buy me some time.

I think it's all right. Yeah. I don't know. Does it hurt? I just learn that large prostate means less pee. Yeah. It just comes out like a dribble. like you'd have a bunch of pee.

Oh, it's bigger. You hear these. Just learn to. Well, that's a... Just remember, the prostate and the bladder are not the same thing. That's my... Prostate's back door. Uh-huh.

And if it's big, it's pressing on this thing with peas coming out. On your bladder, so your bladder doesn't... It's like having your foot on a hose. Yeah. Oh. Oh. like the so no prostate in

that's your rap album no I have no prostate I don't believe you can cut that all out I don't believe in prostates I don't believe

in prostate denier I don't believe it's a Jewish thing I guess we don't have I don't think anybody has them

have you seen one have you seen one you believe the prostate was a Jew but the prostate has not come back yet it's a faith based urinary issue

yeah yeah if you're gonna deny the persecution of our people we're going to deny prostrate it. I didn't deny nothing. He said our people. Well, you know, I'm not, but you know, on Passover.

Pass over some of that dick. He's never around for the Sater. Put a D and the B. Uh-oh. It's not unleavened anymore. I'm leavened. I'm leavened. I know. That's what I'm called girlish,

Shevitz. Girlish, habits. Sketch on the rap album. It is fun. How like when one pops up? I'm with you. As long as they're not part of the track.

This has to be its own track. Shane, time for your fourth pick. Oh, my God. Me in a chair. that's good Shane in a chair All right All right

What kind of chair You got a chair you're thinking of You know what I don't have But I would have the space for it I really want to one Like I have an outdoor space An Adirondack chair Oh brother

You just come over to the spot I got four of them Right up on the deck You can see Mountain Hood Right in the background I love Mountain Hood Mountain Hood's been looking good The last couple days

She out there The Adirondack was originally developed for tuberculosis patients because the way you sit sort of spreads your shoulders out. Lungers. And opens your lungs a little bit more. Really? Really? Yeah. It's a medical

device? It is. The Aderonex, well, yeah, it's order. But the Adirondex were there were a lot of, like, places for people who had tuberculosis. Because it was like they wanted to need, like, neutral weather outdoors. Yes. Because I thought the fresh air was good for. The fresh air would do you good. And those chairs, that's why they sort of like, you know, your back

is like, rolling straight. I have not had tuberculosis since I got those chairs. is that a coincidence or say they are not a coincidence you have tuberculosis yeah you got the TV wouldn't it be wild

if I did get it TB Torres hey hey by what I'm gonna be able to TB Torres huh a pompazon

yeah they're a little tagging a little too aggressive for me what's that they're like a half bowl I don't like a popad push in it

you can you get in but it's hard to get up Pompazon Pompazon Pompasan. Pappasan. Pappasan.

Pappasan. Pappasan. Spell it. Japanese. Pappasan. Papa, S-O-N. Papa son. That chair didn't exist in my life.

No. You had a Pappas gone. The papa's gone. The Papa's gone. Pappas gone from his Pappasian. It's a Notre Dame jacket strung over it. Yeah, I had a stepdad son. Those chairs are awkward to sit in.

Those chairs shake off their belt Those chairs smell like beer Those chairs don't let me get up off of them They hold me too close You're not my real chair There's always a weird loose spring My chair brought my mom to Mexico On my birthday

Those chairs are in my porn hub search Oh baby I had Papasad I was too fat for too long to really trust the Papa Zahn at any point in my life. Is it a wicker thing? They've got real little It's a basket, right? Yeah, it's the basket. It's like...

It's a sick hat. Sorry. I derailed. Just you... Found a half of the company. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, they're like little clamshells you sit in. Yeah. A little Venus de Milo action.

Yeah, yeah. Zach's that one of the crib. They're fun. They're fun to sit in, but then you'd get enough as a nightmare. It's like a committed beanbag chair. It is. It's like an elevated beanbag chair. But a beanbag chair you can roll out of...

Literally elevated. But this is like, what if there was a structure to the beanbag sit. The beanbag held you up. I've had to argue myself about an adult do I go for a giant beanbag chair. I pitched it when we got the crib. I'm like, I'd shut down.

One of the quickest things that has been shut down that I brought up was having a big beanbag in our living room. Are you going to get one for Maxine? When I have an office. Quote, quote, quote. When I get an office, I'm going to get like four. One of them's going to be heated, bro.

I plan to get one when I get an office. Until then, I just rent an hour every Thursday morning at the trampoline park to get my work done. It'll look a lot like an office with a beanbag chair. My ergonomic beanbag chair that I do my writing in. It's Tom Hanks' office from Big. Laura, it's not your room. My office. Let's keep out.

Is the beanbag chair going to be in front of your desk? My desk can be low, like a sushi table. Low down there. Like a sushi table? Yeah. Can you sit on the ground? Oh no, did I just make up a bad term? Famous sushi fan, Sean Jordan.

Don't you sit on the ground and eat sushi sometimes? I don't think so. You can sell on the ground, eat whatever you want, but I don't know. You sit in the tub, and you want. I don't cut all that out. I wonder if he cut, I always wonder if he cuts out the stuff. Sit on the floor. I've never been to one of those restaurants.

Yeah, like the Donnie Brascoe, I'm not sitting on the, you know, that restaurant where they go take their shoes out just to sit on the ground. Berich. Is that still in Portland? restaurant Marrakesh maybe not it was a place where you would go sit on the floor all right well I sit in chairs I was climbing I feel like they get rid of that real quick yeah what the

the idea like I don't think anybody's got the knees in this country no oh I'd have to sit on my but when I was in all the time yeah when I was in Tokyo in January had a couple of those where we sat down yeah it was me and Graham Kay and he's like six five yeah yeah so we were just like

just stretching out completely like yeah and the The whole restaurant step would just be like, like, just being huge American. They're putting a sushi on your body. You're like, no, I'm just laying down. I'm not the guy. I'm not the guy tonight.

I'm not the guy tonight. I'm not the guy tonight. At a Lisa's wedding. I will be the guy. Nick and I were walking down to where all the people were seated, where all the people were sat, but we got caught in this weird limbo of like no seats but on a dock and the ceremony started. So we just had to sit like catchers, like Neil, like in the catcher's

for 30 minutes. I mean, it was crazy. You held a squat for 30 minutes? It was nuts. I was, like, whining. It was nuts, dude. I'd whine. Nothing to hold on to.

That's impressive, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we're bummed. Canaan, time for your fourth pick? Ah, did not think far enough. You want me to go? Okay. No, I can go for a while one.

You want me to tell another dope story like I just told? Listen, I'll go, I'll go basic. Let me, I'm going to go, can I hit with two basics? I don't know what the rules are on this one. V and the P? No. That's a tough point. That's, wow.

you've got to find some unique individuals for that. You've got to find a ray gun. Oh, God, we're just a magician hiding the kerchief. I was going to go with some basic, like, fart in a hot tub, but what, have you ever, this is, this is, uh, there's a, there's a very specific. Have you ever stepped barefoot in fresh dog shit, but you didn't know it was, and there's a brief second where it's the best feeling. the world. No. Okay.

We used to have an above ground pool and somebody in my family had an above ground pool and they had dogs and you had to go from the house to the pool and I probably had pink eye for nine summers in a row. But you'd always there'd be this moment where like just between your toes and you

knew what it was. Yeah. And for a warm sensation for one second you just let's not accept it right now. Yeah. And the idea because have you ever stepped in anything warm and squishy that would go between your toes like that? I haven't, so it's only been dog shit,

and that's gross. But the feeling before you allow yourself to acknowledge the reality is a wild sensation. You're like, what if something wonderful has happened? Think of how a foot rub feels good. It doesn't even need to be gross if you don't have any open cuts on your foot. You just go wash it off.

You're no worse for wear. I mean, let's see. But psychologically, you're like, Like, oh, summer's here. And then you just barefoot stepped in dog shit. Yeah. And you don't feel good. It's hard to, it's hard to bounce me.

They had like a foot bath because everybody was stepping in dog shit. But then it was just a shitty bath. It was just a soup, yeah. So that wasn't any better. Where was this? Up relatives. Up relatives. It was rough.

Because they, like, we'd drive down the street. They had a gravel driveway. I was like, you don't need shoes. We're just going to the tub. in the pool anyway, and we'd have to walk across a gravel driveway barefoot. Then you'd step in this gauntlet to just go swim in three feet of water.

No one of the gods should feel so good. You're just John McLean. I think, okay, now that is tying into the torture that I did put my feet. I'm still not sure what your pick is. A barefoot in fresh dog shit. Okay.

But if somebody like a well oil with like oil all over your feet and was just rubbing your feet and like getting all between your toes but you don't have to think like get worried about it that's a person touching your feet and be self-conscious about it. What if there was something in the world that you could just put your foot in

and it would just go well turns out there is that's not also shit that you have to walk barefoot behind somebody walking the dog oh no not yet I'll get it. You can do it in mashed potatoes that's what I'm saying what if we do it in all these bread pudding that'd be awesome any of these things

Any of the pudding would be good. Gack? Do you remember Gack? Gack would be great. Flown in a microwave for a couple seconds. A cake. Oatmeal would be all right. A big bowl of oatmeal.

But yeah. I feel like oatmeal's consistency is not going to be that good. Flom Chomsky. Can't tell you enough. Watch it on YouTube. Available now on YouTube. Flom Chomsky is funny to hear. Funnier to watch.

Lome Chomsky is funny to hear. Sean, time for your fourth and final picks Orange Julius and the mall Okay, yeah Like a mall or like to walk around I heard they just close the one at the Lloyd Center It's the last one in Oregon or something What?

Lloyd Center is, they're having a bad run right now But I don't think they're coming back No, I think they are You do? I do. You're an optimist. A video just went viral Some woman does like a mall walking group Every Sunday at 11th You know, so that's all right. Lloyd Center just went viral they do all like these card expos

and stuff there now like trading cards and stuff and they got a bunch of nerdy stories yeah yeah I think they're coming back they're probably putting a funny bone in their stuff the Lloyd Center funny bone

my hometown mall just caught on fire and they still haven't explained what happened Jewish lightning I love it because I always knew it as Greek lightning yeah

it's funny because it's always the diners that went up like I've heard referred to as Italian lightning as well It's somebody's lightning We've got Irish lightning but it's Ed Sheeran I think He's English

Shit Are you sure? Yeah I think his Irish blood but he's English I mean it's Chenate O'Connor It was Another RIP Or the singer of the cranberries

Or Bono Or Daniel Day Lewis I sang zombie last night dude Huh I sang zombie last night Shane was there Yeah Zombie

He's from He's from England Yeah crap Halifax. What's an orange Julius? Dank. What is it?

No, I've never had it. It's like an orange milkshake. Yeah, it's like a whipped orange milk shake. Okay. Yeah. It's not as thick. It's a little more than a smoothie, though. It's frothy.

Yeah. Like a dull whip kind of. You can get strawberry. Yeah, 100%. You can get strawberry. It's always the dank one. You can get like strawberry banana. Okay.

Can't get any of the Lloyd Center anymore. Fruit smoothie kind of thing. Yeah, but like. More ice cream. Yeah. No, they're not lying to be like Java juice. But you say it's like push bob consistency, but. No.

No, way, way less than that. But melty, like a melty. Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean. You take bites out of a push pop. Like, it's got a paste almost. No, I know what you're saying. It's a looser, it's a looser baby. It can feel granular or something, you know.

Speaking of loose push pops. Sean. What now? I don't know. Man, I really liked where it was going. I was like Kyle's got a shit. Without a doubt. I think I know where you were going with it.

Sean, your final pick Christmas in the city Oh How's that sound for this year? Christmas in the city Make fun of that, you jerk Very nice Thank you

I'm happy that we're friends I think everything you say is stupid I think everything you say stuff Christmas in the city Yeah Lovely. You think it's stupid? I'll go think about it

in my house later. While I'm driving my car. You like when the city Bodex itself in fineries. The light dusting. The light dusting of snow in northwest, 203.

The lights on the street. You know what I do like is the trees that talk to you at the Americana? They're the trees that play Christmas music with the Americana. Holy fucking shit. Two different things.

Going back to mushrooms in the woods over here. I like it when the trees talk to you. All right. It's a different thing. The Christmas at the Americana, dude, where they have that fake snow, and you walk, oh, it's so sick.

Speaking of Dave Ross, we went and drank spiked hot cocoa, walked around the Americana one night, had ourselves a nice little Christmas. You know, who could use some Jewish lightning is that Americana? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That plays his hell on earth.

He loves this shit. It's got a lot of Armenian chess band. I've interrupted so many baby photo shoots in front of that fountain, just trying to get an iPhone repaired. That's what you get for going to the Americana to get your iPhone repaired. Whatever, it's the closest thing to that end of town. There's another Apple store in the colliery. There's another much less busy one in the other mall.

Man, I love that place. It's Christmas time in the city. Kyle, time for your final pick? I thought I just did four. You got to do five. All right, blew my lot. Yeah, I did. I'm shit, yeah, he farted.

I was saying, farting in the body of water. Farting in a studio? Farting in a studio? Farting in a studio. Oh, my God. Farting in a studio? Farting in a thing. Oh, farting in a hot tub?

Farting in a hot tub. You were saying that? Yeah, but now I feel like that's bad. I always threw that one out there. Farting in bed's pretty great. I'm not even, not even as a prank to anybody. No, just farting in bed. and then just watching

I'd say it fill in the sails to Dream Country Yeah Raise the main sail And then you just waft it to yourself I'm like I made that I've been I farted heavy in the bed this morning Because I'm so low

And we had fried chicken last night And it's great I fucking love it Solo I'll do it I don't do it around the part I'm so worried about changing out The memory foam I got on the mattress Oh yeah

Moving that's going to be like the Ark of the Covenant at the end of the Raiders in the Lost Ark. Pull off that mattress covered. Don't look at it. A bunch of ghouls flying out. Shut your eyes. He chose poor. Like a ghostbusters when they open the containment system? Does anyone know anyone who's pure of heart?

I need a virgin. I need someone who's pure of heart to them. All these Nazis. melted. Shane, your final pick? Screaming in a car. Oh, yeah.

That's all right. That's pretty sick. Yeah. Yeah. You're just in an Uber. Sir, are you okay? I said no conversation. That's why they ordered a comfort.

I'm speaking because you can't. So pull up next to him. I'm going to tell them what I think of them. Act like a waymo. Yeah. I don't hear what my rating is. screaming in a car weird we were getting ice cream last night and this dude pulls out

window down like we're just like on the street and you just screaming at the car in front of some old lady just like just like that just like fuck you I like when someone with the window down would someone takes a breath in between the words of a scream when they're like fuck

you're like you mean all of it I got broken up You might not mean this later, but right now you are committed to this, yeah, yeah. Fully present. Yeah, I love it. I bet you apologize for a few of those the next day. Sorry, I didn't like, I didn't take too kindly to being dumped last night, and I might have said a couple things.

My final pick, Fingy and a peanut butter jar. Do you ever use a pinky because you're, oh, yeah, classy? Especially when it's like a fresh one. Oh, yeah. That's like a little, it's a. like a lie. De Mure. Dude,

that's like your gateway Yeah, it's like, oh, I've never done cocaine. It's got it.

So you start poo-berrying. That pinky is so this is peanut butter a cop comes in, no, it's not real peanut butter. I'll start you

copper date butter. Fingy and the peanut butter. I bet that she was going to tell on me with a fingee in my peanut butter. Are you fingering any other jarred food?

Yeah, I fingered an almond butter. I'll finger almost anything. What about a relish? Yeah, I'll finger a relish for sure. Your finger savory. I'll finger savory. I'll finger sweet. I'll finger the hummus. You finger hummus.

But you don't put it back in when you fingered a hummus. I finger it and I put in a different hummus. You're at the grocery store. That's how you get a UTI. And I want to get caught. I want to be Three Hots and a cop, man. I got to get back in there.

Put my whole fist in the ranch dressing of a of a deli tray. A Costco tub of bringing it. Then I hold the fist in the air. And I do a braveheart all the way through Costco. Lick it down the arm. Walk up to the deli. Like, have what I want next time.

I'm five deep in this potato salad. Go ahead and call the cops. pigs in the blanket leaving here. I've been in every pit in this all of par. I'll be in the bread aisle making a point.

You punch through two huge jugs of potato salad and then run around like Mega Man with them on your hands. Pee, peepoo, pew, pew, pew.

Where are the TVs? Do you have to be a member to drop? I'd like to fill out. I'd like to fill out. I'd like to fill out the form. Take my photo for the card.

You just smashed with that. Hey, could I get my tires change you too? Will you put the sample on my mouth? I can't grab it. I don't need a cart. I'll just get some luggage and I'll just pretending you have no arms just so you can have the samples put in your mouth at Costco is someone's fetish. And we can't

shame them for it. We cannot shame them. No, no, no, no, no. I've never had a gyro. If you just did it like communion, just hand the There's people that have amputation fetishes. I'm not that committed to it yet. I just hide my arm in my jacket. Go to Costco.

And make them put ginger snaps in my mouth at Costco. I'm exploring it. Yeah, Nello Wafer's body of criss. Is it true that you guys sell vacations? You tell me that I can get my pet insured here? I'd like a tire sample. Just do one. Just do one tire.

Let me see if I like it. part. Sean went first he took party in the house, hot dog at the ballgame, oat milk in the coffee, orange Julius in the mall, and Christmas in the city. Kyle went second to

like a shitty song. Made a million dollars. Party in the house. Hot dog on at the ballroom at the ballgress. Randy Newman B-side. I'm the one signed Interscope, so sit and spin, dickhead. Itterscope.

Kyle took pigs in a blanket, peeing in a no pee place, pee in the V, foot and dog shit, and partying in bed. We've got a real aristocracy over the... Shane went 30, took jacking off in a hangover. Mushrooms in the woods, body in the woods, Shane in a chair and screaming in a car. These are really accurate. I went last in a peony colt in the pool.

This is really a mirror for everyone. gin and tonic on a Friday sandwich on a hike sketch on a rap album and Fingy in the peanut butter This is Jimmy Buffett in your way In the Pea in the pool Randy do you have a pick for us

A thing and a thing P and the V was the original one that I thought of Yeah But No P and the B P in the B

P in the B There it is P in the B Sean's never done it you ever put a pinky in the butter Charles has never done it No I haven't Shane's currently doing it to John

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want gandolph on the threes and fours dude shoddy gandy yeah all right shout to gandy on the sevens and eights just doff can we call yeah if you want all right dolf shout it to dolf on the nine's and ten longer than randolph oh i think it's it's dolphin i think it's dolphin i think the, what was the, hold on, Dolphin Lundgren? Oh yeah, Vin, you asked Shane, you had Dolphin Lundgren. You asked Shane what Ben Diesel's real name was.

He's like, Vincent probably. Mark Sinclair. I don't know, Vincent Diesel. Hans Lundgren. Hans? I can see how you get Dolph out of that. I don't know where Dolph is from.

God damn weirdos over there. Oh, we've got some good ones. Dolph. Shane, your shoes on time. You idiot. now we have to redo the podcast my first big is these nuts in your mouth oh no

no oh yeah Shalclagetti Shad can say Sue Karmel Shad de Franks and said all that Tune and get next to

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Shacket. Chalakit. T. Shacket. That was a headgum podcast. Kvetch. We don't like toxic positivity. No. Because it's toxic. We're not going to sit there going, hey, look on the bright side. Enough on the bright side. That's all anyone's talking about these days. The fucking bright side. So tune in to some of your favorite comedians, some celebrities. Like Caleb Huron, Brennan Lee Mulligan, Alana Glazer, busy Phillips, and Dan Soder. We let them come on and we let them share what shitty about their life. We look at the things that seem nice on the surface and we go, I. is it shitty underneath. It's a fun time,

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