All Fantasy Everything - Aliases (w/Shane Torres, Zak Toscani, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: June 1, 2023

It’s fish night at the gerbil mansion! (This will only make sense after you listen to the episode.)   Episode Guests: Shane Torres @shanetorres (IG: @shanetorres) Zak Toscani @Zak_Toscani��(IG: @ZakToscani)   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel (IG: @IanKarmel) Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan (IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan) David Gborie (IG: @Coolguyjokes87) Isaac K. Lee @IsaacKLee (IG: @IsaacKLee)   Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. joining us on today's episode we have friends of the podcast hilarious comedians zach tuscani and shane torres zach tuscani can be seen gallivanting around the country on his zach tuscani house show book him please you will not be disappointed shane torres can also be seen gallivanting around the country's comedy clubs coast to coast uh and you can also hear him on his podcast no accounting for taste. Joining us as always, friend and comedian David Borey. I am Sean Jordan, stepping in one last time for Ian Carmel, who is on his way back from Boliv, I mean, Italy. Thank you so much for listening. Let's get to it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that doesn't quite know how to do the intro with my voice. But I'm figuring it out.

I try. I'm working on it. And I also caught a mouse in a live trap today. So I'm in a pretty good mood about it. How do you guys feel about that? I really didn't want to hear that story twice. I wanted to get into it. I wasn't bored enough today.

I was. I great outdoors did, though. I had... I great outdoorsed it, though. Last night, it was running around the living room two nights ago, and I had oven mitts and a fucking broom and a strainer. I tried to throw a strainer on it like a frisbee when it was running across the kitchen floor. It was...

You know what I mean? To trap it on top of it. I know what you tried. It's crazy that it didn't work. Have you ever, have you ever caught a mouse like that before? I've never caught a mouse. I caught, I caught a, one of our gerbils got loose back at the crib when I was a teenager and I caught it with my bare hands and it bit me through the webbing of my thumb.

And, uh, and then I put it back in the cage and they murdered it, I think, because it had the stink of a human on it. So I didn't want that to happen again. You really grew up tough, huh? That's weird. That sounds hard. If I touch an animal, it has to die.

Yeah, but to deal with that as a kid feels like it would have been complicated. We had mad gerbils. So, you know, we had 13 cats when I was a kid, and then we had like probably 25 mad gerbils. We had probably 25 gerbils at one point.

You had 25 gerbils at the same time that you had the 13 cats? No, this is when I was in high school, and my mom basically turned the living room. I need... Go on. Yeah. I'm going to have some questions.

Also, Zach, your shirt makes me want a deli sandwich. It's the perfect color of mustard. Oh, thank you. That looks like a good mustard. And relish. Man, I'm going to take you to a ball cart and put you in between some buns. Zach's got relish all over his bed. Buns come with, baby.

That's another pick. Yeah, exactly. Just put a button on it. My mom, she turned half the living room into a gerbil village for probably a year and it stunk. Did they have

the condos where they could shimmy up the spaces? like a dribble village for probably a year and it stunk oh did they have like did they have like the condos where they could like shimmy up the spaces and go to they had it was going up times 11 half the room i'm telling you half the living room so like a big i don't not the best with square footage but like some square footage and it was all just eligible footage you should have charged a fee and had people come see him, taught him some tricks. My friend had a bong like that. Oh yeah, dude.

Half the living room. Our buddy had a closet bong with just a bunch of shit that would start on fire for sure. All kinds of plastic and shit. I also love the idea that you and your mom were probably in a one-bedroom apartment, but then these gerbils had like a five-story

mansion. There's a lot of contrast there. They eat whatever they want. Now, that man that loves fantasizing about the gerbil mansion in my mother's living room is...

It's weird to say that and you actually, that's what you mean. Yeah, no shit. There was no euphemisms there. No innuendo. That was literally what he was talking about. The gerbil mansion in his mom's living room.

I can't believe it's our first year of high school. I wonder if we'll get to go to some girl's gerbil mansion. I went to the gerbil mansion in my mom's living room. That's what it sounds like. For the first time. Oh, man. Sorry, she doesn't know what a podcast is. And then you know what happened? You got caught and you were in the doghouse.

Yeah, and then it got the stink of being murdered. It falls apart at the end. There are no bad ideas. Only Sean's. Add Zach Toscani on Twitter. Add Zach Toscani on Instagram.

It's at Zach-Toscani on Twitter. Remember I got suspended for telling Lindsey Graham to eat a bullet salad. Yeah, well, Lindsey, you hear? He's a big listener. Don't you remember? You remember that Christmas? Did my sacrifice mean nothing to you hear it? He's a big listener. Don't you remember? You remember that Christmas? Did my sacrifice mean nothing to you, Sean?

Don't you remember when I gave Lindsey Graham both barrels on the internet that one time? Motherfucker can't sleep now. He cried, I bet. Zach, how you living, Playboy? What's good? I'm doing great, man. Here in Denver. Kicking it with David. I'm in the same apartment as David right now.

I know you guys were facing each other a minute ago. Yeah, it was face-off. We were playing Battleship. Yeah, it felt like that movie Lawnmower Man. We were both about to jack in and go crazy. We were both going to look at each other and go, Jeff Fahey vehicle, we're in. Did you really knew the name?

Jeff Fahey. My mom loves Jeff Fahey. Quit talking about my mom. Zach, you got some house shows coming up? Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! We're opening up a lot of doors already.

Ha ha ha! Kelly Jordan's off the table for the rest of this. No one's crossing any lines yet, but it's getting real close. Yeah, nobody's been to the gerbil mansion, but we're knocking on the door. I'm going to have to call her and tell her she's on the internet like that. Now, Mom, sorry I aired you out a little bit. Zach, how are the house shows going?

You living? Yeah, there you go. House shows are going fantastic. I did one the other night that was a divorce party, and that was really fun. Actually, that was probably one of the most fun. My man cleaned up there. Oh, man. I mean, it was probably one of the most fun. My man cleaned up there. Oh, man. I mean,

it was... Somebody just moved out of the gerbil mansion. But yeah, they're going good. I still got some availabilities. If you live in Ohio, Michigan, Minneapolis, Oh, the swing states. The blue wall. Wisconsin. Minneapolis. Minneapolis. New York the swing states. The blue wall. Yeah. Wisconsin. Minneapolis.

Minneapolis. New York. Yeah. New Jersey. All those places. Down south. Or Instagram on the DMs, right? Yeah, yeah. Email me, ZAK425 at Gmail, or you can hit me up on Instagram. Whatever you want to do. Get my ass booked. These shows are so much more fun

than doing clubs, honestly. The club and pay structure kind of sucks for comedians. It's a really nice way for me to make a living. South Dakota. Somebody. Book him. The only state that has any... They haven't even contacted you?

They don't have phones. I got one in Mississippi. So you're really... South Dakota is about the last one. Shut up. South Dakota. Book him. Have. Shut up. South Dakota booking. Have you been to North Dakota yet, Seth? I'll fly in too. They're trying to pay me in rocks. Is that normal, Sean?

It was that or Confederate money. On that rocks? That man who just talked about Confederate money seems to be a through line on him. He's always talking about Confederate this, Confederate that. At Shane Torres on Twitter, at Shane Torres on Instagram at somebody who might get brought up later in this draft how you doing buddy? I'm alright man

I'm doing good yeah it's crazy that you asked me for this subject I didn't even think about it until you're a fucking liar I swear to God it was Zach's idea for real I do not believe any of you I love all of you

This is crazy David wouldn't lie to me But that doesn't mean you didn't lie to David No Conceptualize It's very I will give you the whole thing Because Sean wanted to draft potato food

and then I threw it out there because it was like one of the top ones Can we switch to potato food on the fly? No What I'm saying is and then Zach was like I can't do that

and he started thinking of some and Zach came up with aliases Aliases are nicknames, right? Like we're just kind of doing... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even have any for you on here. Yeah, neither do I. I was worried about it because nicknames is like something

your friends call you, but an alias is kind of like a public persona. We'll get into the nuance. Did I use that right? Yeah. If I once, yeah. What do you got coming up, man? Where are you going to be? I'm on the road a lot.

Just taped a special two months ago. It'll be out hopefully by the end of the year. Zach was nice. Hell yeah. Zach was nice enough to sit through some of it and give me. I heard nothing but good things. It was really wonderful. And you know it's good when a bunch of New York comics are singing your praises.

They don't say nice shit. I'll be at Limestone Comedy Festival in Bloomington, Indiana. Then I'll be back in the mountains with David. Well, I'll be near David and Zach. Ninth and Grand Junction. The 10th in Basalt. And then I will be doing

Burt Crusher's fully loaded Mega Arena Ballpark Festival Tour thing. Dude, that's going to be so And then I will be doing Burt Crusher's fully loaded mega arena ballpark festival tour thing. Dude, that's going to be so sick. I want to go. I was looking at that like that. And monster truck jamboree. I got to be.

I got a lot of dates with Chaney's a comedian dot com. Also, it's kind of cool. I'm doing I'm playing. Zach, you'll like this. I'm playing Forest Hills Arena. Yeah, with Bert. Yeah, so. That's awesome.

Yeah, it was the old US Open tournament. I went there actually got me into a Bon Iver concert there last summer and we had all this crazy access and it was that place is amazing. It's so cool. Yeah. But shanyscomedian.com and check And we had all this crazy access. And it was, that place is amazing. It's so cool. It's so, yeah.

Yeah. So, but shanyscomedian.com. And check out No Accounting for Taste that I do with Kyle, the podcast I do with Kyle Kinney. Doing a live one at Limestone, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And then, yeah. Go to that. Yeah. But shanyscomedian.com. Check them all out. And then check out the special, Please God. I'm not going to get, I only get a break like this once every five years so I really need you guys to come I need you guys to come for me

when do you go to Maui tomorrow morning oh man have fun man I'm going to be a fucking bronze hot god by the end of the week you're going to hang ten and a half

I'm going to visit some fucking gerbil mansions for sure if you see anyone selling banana bread on the side of the road you gotta get it it's amazing another literal statement that's not get the local banana bread moist

my brother and my nephew are coming we're gonna go surfing on Friday I'm sure My brother and my nephew are coming. We're going to go surfing on Friday. I'm sure it will be fun. You're going to get up. I got faith. I got close last time, but I kind of just got straight up and fell over. Horseshoes and hands grenades. Kind of like when you

get a boner too fast and then it ends too fast. It just kind of... I thought that was boners. I didn't know it happened a different way. Wait, it happens. You guys keep them for a while. Mine's a longer. It's really long. Long and skinny.

It's like nine pencils stacked up. She's joining us. What? Say it. I don't have the wording right. I'll get it out later. I don't have the wording right yet. I'm out later I don't have the wording right yet I'm gonna save it I talked about my mom's gerbil palace you can say whatever the hell you're talking about

okay yeah you're the one you're the one who framed it like that Isaac put air horns over that I'll be performing at my mom's gerbil palace July 7th. It's across the street from my goofies.

Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram. Not on Twitter. Y'all blew it. It's a fucking wasteland there. David, how you living, man? I'm okay. Check out my Insta. I am planning a cool tour for the fall for you guys.

Gonna go to a bunch of places i haven't been and uh and then we're gonna shoot a special later in the fall about fucking time talk about that when it gets closer but just know i'm gearing up to have a good fun tour for you guys in june 18th you can come see me co-headline the dc improv with my man jamel Jamel Johnson and then yeah be on the lookout for these fall dates coming up soon it's gonna I'm coming for the south I'm coming for you hell yeah dude that's sick

the right way I am Sean Cougar Mellon Jordan on Instagram Sean how's it on oh wait I'm screwing up the Jewish Irish Jordan on Irish Tinder

I'll be I think that's just the BevMo website I think Ian's going to be able to do that better in Italian when he gets back than you just did I just throw potatoes at the door and I'm like turn it into whiskey if there's an Irish dating site it it's called The Troubles. I will be in Columbus, Ohio, June 15th

at Blackbird Lounge, I believe. And then in Cleveland on June 16th at Mahal's. So come to those. Columbus, there's just a few tickets. You're going to Mahal's. Mahal's. I'm saying it wrong. Mahal's? Mahal's? It's a a few tickets left. Oh, you're going to Mayhalls. Mayhalls. I'm saying it wrong. Mahals? Mayhalls? Mayhalls?

It's a Bluckbird Lounge. Wait, are those the same place? It is Mayhalls. No. I don't know if he's allowed to say that. No, no, no. I know you can say it, David, but am I allowed to say it? No, you can't say it. Yeah, no.

Mayhalls is great. Mayhalls is great. Mayhalls is awesome. I'll be in Columbus on the 15th of June, Cleveland on the 16th of June. So please come out to those. I want to make a good impression. I'm excited. I'm excited to go there.

And yeah, other than that, just be cool. Hang out. Have fun. Go out in the world and smile. Huh? Have you ever been to Cleveland? Never been to Cleveland, man. You're going to fit in perfectly.

I like Cleveland. It's a great town, but Sean's going to fit in perfectly. You're going to watch Major League in Cleveland. Listen to Bone the whole way there? Yeah, I know how to do it. Now, we're not only here to talk about the ins and outs of how well I'm going to fit in in Cleveland, but we are here to draft aliases.

This was Zach's idea, and I'm excited about it. Did you get it from anywhere, Zach? It just kind of popped in? Popped into that creative little noodle here? Yeah. Yeah, it just popped into my head. Sometimes it's fun, especially being on the road. You check into hotels.

You give people your name where it's not absolute that you have to give them an ID. So sometimes it's fun to think about saying another name being someone else i remember when we like figured it out with cops like back in the day they'd bust us for skating and they're like they had their little notepad and they'd be like what's your name they'd like sometimes we didn't have id i didn't even have id yet i was like 15 i didn't have proof that i was me so you just tell them whatever it was fun clint eastwood's alias for when he checked into hotels for years was Larry Dickman because of a Don

Rickles joke. Don Rickles would be like, who do you think I am? Larry Dickman from Omaha? Now, before we begin the draft, we must determine an order. We will do that through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played by the three of you. We do that through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors, played by the three of you. We will go on shoot. Everybody ready?

Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David wins. Natural victory. Paper over two rocks. Now, before we determine the order of the draft, I will remind everybody, all the listeners, everybody out there, it is a serpentine draft.

And what is that? Oh, can I try? You want to give it a shot? Would you like to explain it to the folks? Yeah, it's kind of like when you're lacing your kicks up and you go back and forth and back and forth and it makes a lot of sense and it's kind of a universal explanation unless you have to use Velcro. Sure.

Yeah, so basically if you pick last in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Fantastic. Better than I've ever done it. I appreciate you, my friend. Now, that being said, David, what will the order of this draft be? It's kind of like when the gerbil's in the palace and going up and back. I like it when the gerbil spells its name. Do the gerbil ABCs.

Oh, I love cracking my friends up alright let's see I'm gonna go I'm gonna go first I'm gonna have Shane go second Zach go third and Sean I'm giving you the hot corner hot corner baby so

and you're saying fix I'm giving you the hot corner. Hot corner, baby. So. And you're saying picks. Hot corner, baby. All right. David, you'll be sparking it off. We will get to your first pick of the aliases draft right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life

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Taste, hosted by Shane Torres and Kyle Kinane. Fantastic. Check it out. Hey, man. I'm out here. All right. Aliases. Let's get it popping. David, what do you got? All right. So I wanted to do this on the level of like each alias I'm going for is like it comes from a specific place. This one I'm doing

my most respected alias because I don't know if this guy ever broke character. I think that's hilarious. I'm picking Garth Brooks going by the alias because I don't know if this guy ever broke character. I think that's hilarious. I'm picking Garth Brooks going by the alias of Chris Gaines. Oh, man. The Pussyhound. That's the funniest shit in the world.

He was like, I just want to be a dude who gets laid a lot for a while. Dude. He changed his look with it, everything, right? It was a whole different look and persona. Yeah, he went from country to emo

and that might be the hardest musical genre shift you can do. It's up there. And he released music as Chris Gaines? He released music as Chris Gaines, right? He was in SNL. He hosted SNL as Garth Brooks, but performed as Chris Gaines, right? He hosted SNL as Garth Brooks but performed as Chris Gaines. God, that's

amazing. Come on. Tracy Morgan did a sketch with him where he didn't know he was Chris Gaines and he goes, if you was that fat, they'd call you Garth Brooks. What I don't get about that is Chrisris gaines isn't even a sexy name that's so funny that's why it's so funny it's so rememberable he wasn't just like oh my name is you

know vascular butt crack or something i'm bloated as hard as ch bloated as hard as Chris Gaines or like Dirt Cavern or some kind of southern gothic shit he's just like nah just a sensible just a guy who works IT Chris Gaines he's the only emo guy in Knoxville Tennessee

is what it comes down because Chris Gaines is such a country name yeah I just love it he had that little triangle favor saver right yeah yeah yeah yeah oh man I just love it he had that little triangle favor saver right and I think he had like this kind of the emo

swoop going on where it was like mostly combed to one side I gotta google what he looked like this has gotta be awesome I think he wore a mask was it the 90s or was it like the early 00s I think late 90s early 00s yeah that was a strange transition for all of us.

All the Google image searches are of Chris Angel and Chris Gaines. They look very similar. Chris Gaines, that's a wig, right? What's Garth's hair look like? I don't know. He was in a cowboy hat on. And it didn't look thick

like that. You're still talking about the durable mansion? Here's the good thing. He doesn't... Chris Gaines looks nothing like Garth Brooks. No, that's why it's so good. Yeah, you have to give him credit. You'd never think, is that Garth Brooks? You'd never have that thought if you see Chris Gaines.

Yeah. You go, yo, yeah. Are you looking at different stuff chris games wore tight tight pants all right you know when you had a friend who went to college and then they came back for christmas break and you're like oh you really leaned into a new thing it's like it is like that but in a way of like when's chris getting here and they're like, he's been here. Who's Chris? That guy's Chris? Or your friend who, every time

he dates a girl, he just becomes her personality. Month to month, you're like, what are you into now? He's like, oh no, I'm a pickleball guy now. I love it. I'm a pickleball guy now. No more picks, I'm sorry. Chris Gaines, perfect.

Perfect first choice. Chris Gaines, perfect, perfect first choice. Chris Gaines, off the board. Shane, first pick, what do you got? Well, when I worked at TGI Fridays, one day, two girls came to sit in my section, and then all the waiters started calling me Big Dirty Slut. You're giving BDS?ds yeah and then it just got shorted to big dirty which is i think lord big dirty is a fun one yeah so big dirty slut or big

dirty because you hear big dirty and it doesn't actually sound like you're a gross person i think that'd be a cool boxing nickname. If your name was Dirty, then everyone knows what that means. But if Big Dirty, then it's like, oh, there must be a story where, I don't know, we fell in some dirt or something. And the Trailer Park Boys, whenever they would do a big heist, they'd call it the Big Dirty.

Anybody ever watch that? They're going to steal something and be like, alright, we're going to get on the Big Dirty. So you had a table full of people and then at one Anybody ever watch that? Oh, really? They're going to steal something and be like, all right, we're going to get on the big dirty. Yeah. So you had a table full of people. And then at one point, they just started calling you big dirty slut. No, no, no, no, no, no. What? That's what you heard? I thought you were like waiting on people and they were calling you big dirty slut.

One day, like, I can't exactly remember how many women came in. But girls like it was back when I worked in Fort Worth. and it was, like, girls from high school or whatever in the neighborhood just came in, and they asked to sit in my section. And it happened, like, two or three times in a shift. And so my section was, like, full, and then everybody was, like, what is going on? Why are all these girls coming to see Shane? Which is also just kind of hurtful. Yeah. on, where are all these girls coming to see Shane? Which is also just kind of hurtful. I mean, your boy wrecks gerbil palaces.

Dude, that never changed. You had girls bringing you food. I remember at Holman's, girls would bring you food sometimes. Remember that shit, Zach? We'd just be sitting there and someone would come in with a burrito for Shane. It happened a lot. He's got a... Those days are over. I'm not eating on it. Now your fans send me

sampler platters to a green room. It's quite different. Do those get eaten? No. I mean, something. I'll take... Hey, if Shane doesn't want the appetizer platters, I'll take them. Yeah, dude, all day. So the staff was calling you Big Dirty Slut, and then they shortened it to big dirty

so at TGI Fridays you were big dirty yes do you ever hear somebody say big dirty slut and you're like mentally transported to a Friday night at Fridays I've done so much it takes you back there

you're shaking a mango martini yeah you're flare bartending again god i've only got to see you that one thing about service industry jobs is like because you're working with each other so closely and you work every day like any change in the norm they are going to be like that's all we're going to talk about today so yeah well yeah because it's also it's because it's very it's so incest. Was this around the time that waiting came out? Before, but yeah. Because waiting came out when I was living in Portland.

I went and saw it with a bunch of other waiters from work. I also was working in the service industry when waiting came out. And I was like, oh man, so this is what we're going to do at work now? Not the stuff to the food, but you know what I mean. To be honest, I wasn't working in the service industry and it is still what happened with all of our nuts. That movie crossed boundaries.

It was insane. Definitely wouldn't hold up now. Have you watched it recently? I was thinking about it, but I'm like, I don't. Isn't he clocking that girl until she turns 18? It's a lot of themes. A lot of themes in that movie.

Yikes. The Green Lantern's into what? It's more like a unfinished. I won't even say it. Great pick. Big Dirty. Zach, what do you got? My first pick, I'm going to go with it was a real alias used by

Michael Vick, Ron Mexico. That was a great one. I remember that. I remember that. Do you remember when the NFL had to take Falcons jerseys off the website for a little bit because everybody started doing Michael Vick? Yeah, you couldn't make customized Falcons jerseys anymore.

So if you're not familiar, Ron Mexico was the alias that Michael Vick used to do STD tests and they came up like he got them all, you know, he's like a Pokemon master. Got them all in Mexico. And yeah, he just called himself Ron Mexico thinking like this will never come back

and then the story dropped and so many people I remember, I remember seeing more Ron Mexico jerseys than Michael Vick jerseys yeah they were everywhere that was a great time well the other thing is that's awesome is like I know humanity sucks but every once in a while they come together in a way that's completely useless but makes me laugh and that

was totally that was what also do you remember when the Queen of England wore a green dress she like spoke when she was still alive she spoke and she wore a green dress and then everybody green screened wild shit onto her dress. I missed that.

Oh my God, dude. Everybody was putting up Avengers movies on her body. It was crazy. Love it. Love it. Dude, Ron Mexico is such a dope it's a really good one and in my

mind he probably came with it in the moment like what is your name he's like and I think it was in Mexico maybe he always liked the name Ron he's like Ron he's doing it like usual suspect style he's just reading shit that's on the wall Ron Mexico he said it the right way

American graffiti is on the screen in the lobby for happy days or some shit that is fantastic Ron Mexico can you still get. Ron Mexico. Can you still get a Ron Mexico jersey? Probably not. I bet now you could.

Enough time has passed. Brother, you can get a Ron Mexico with 20 bucks where I'm from. Plus, I bet there's enough bad guys that have died since then that there's Ron Mexico jerseys on Amazon. They might be a lot of money actually. Like a vintage Ron Mexico. A vintage actually. Like a vintage Ron Mexico. A vintage Ron Mexico. A vintage Ron Mexico.

I got a vintage Ron Mexico. That sounds like an old flow job. He wore this at an orgy, dude. He had the QB wrist play, so he knew what to do. Yeah, it was kind of tight. She gave me a vintage Ron Mexico. I didn't even know what was happening until it was done. That whole storyline kind of went

by the wayside after, I think, shortly after some other short topic. Yeah. Some other news got in there. Well, you remember when he did that collab on Atlanta? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, that was so funny. Remember when he did that collab on Atlanta? When he was trying to race him? That was so funny. Michael Pick rules. I'm happy for him. I'm up. I go back to back. I'm going to go fictional. The first thing that popped into my head when the topic

came up, but it's George Costanza going by Art Vandele. Yeah, that's a good one. What was the premise of that? He was an architect, right? Yeah, he was trying to get a job, I think. Oh, yeah, that's right. He said he was an architect named Art Vandele. And then he gave Jerry's phone number for reference, right?

I said that was Vandelay Industries. So when he had to answer the phone, that's what they had to say. And he was like in the bathroom and it's ringing and he like runs out with his pants around his ankles or whatever. That's what I remember. But I don't know. A lot of good nickname episodes from Seinfeld.

There's a lot of good nicknames. Art Vandelay is like one that's like, that's a guy from a different time you don't meet an art vandal no that's like it's an errol flynn level kind of net yeah yeah yeah it's a different family name like it's stuck around like that yeah the vandal is like i feel like as young boy like friends with young boys and being a young boy like you that nicknames is like one of the signs of love that you can show each other that doesn't feel weird. If society doesn't make you feel weird,

it really is just like, hey, I noticed this thing about... You know, our friend Hammy is named Hammy because our friend saw him eat a ham sandwich one day. That's all it takes. That's all it takes. I think so many nicknames are some guy saw some guy eat something

someday. Shane wore a cranberry hoodie and that was it for me. Big cranberry? I don't want to do this. We call Adam banana arms because he had a shirt with yellow sleeves and we just called him banana arms. You had punk rock

sausage face, right? Yeah, that was a guy you named yeah man as a harsh one that's that's not like out of anywhere love based i'll tell you that no i think that's so a cool amount of nicknames out of your worst insecurity yeah i mean mine was a fever because i had big teeth they used to call me dad's not gonna come back okay i went and saw Fast 10 last night. Yeah, I went and saw it last night too. We saw it in 4DX.

Never do that to your scene. Don't do it. Is it too much? Because Spider-Man really jostled me around. Don't just be like a drone shot and then your back is just getting punched. It's too much for that. We saw it with recliner chairs though. That was dope.

There's a point where someone's driving a Mustang Yeah, it's too much for that. We saw it with recliner chairs, though. That was... Yeah, that's dope. But, so, there's a point where someone's driving a Mustang 5.0 in it. There sure is. And there was a guy in our high school and he drove a 5.0 and my friends just called him Johnny Tocher Lips for some reason. I don't even know what that is.

Is it a tow truck lips? No, TocherTure Lips. My friend made up their own language and they were just like, look at him with his dumb Johnny ToeTure Lips. And then he called my buddy and my buddy put him on speaker and was like, you walking around town telling everybody my name is Johnny ToeTure Lips? And we were all like, what?

Accusing anybody of walking around town doing anything is hilarious. Yeah, yeah. You walking around town just spreading lies like Johnny Appleseed. My name's Johnny Toad Your Lips. I don't know if anybody I went to high school with would remember that,

but fucking almost pissed my pants the first time that he did that. He was so mad. He had a green 5.0. First pick from me, George Xander, Art Vandele. Second pick, I'm going back to the real world. I'm picking George. So, George Babyface Nelson, but I'm not picking Babyface.

I'm picking Scarface. Or no, no, no, no, Al Capone, sorry. Al Capone picking Scarface. No, Al Capone. Al Capone as Scarface because that was his nickname. It's just the coolest nickname. Not nickname, but his AKA that I could think of. Yeah, alias.

It's another one of those, no, that's just what happened. Yeah, for you matter of fact. Yeah. Why did they call you Scarface well you're gonna see who's the first guy to do that who's the first guy to be like what up Scarface like that's a some psycho

I'd have to be like a newspaper writer right like a moniker yeah so like there's some stories like Al Capone cuts a mean figure with a scar on his face and then it had to be like the baby face gangster acquired a new scar yeah yeah there's trouble down in the Bowery

he probably got stoked about it right I mean it's a tough ass name so he probably got stoked I feel like it's pretty tough maybe he didn't love it but I bet he realized the utility of the nickname just like how valuable it was for him yeah never hurts if you're a mobster to have a scary name.

That's a good point. Although sometimes if I think I would maybe be more scared if someone was a gangster and they're like, they call me big Teddy. That's that whole thing. Like you're scared of the dude named tiny. Cause they're always huge. I never liked tiny,

tiny. Anyway. Yeah. Al Capone going by Scarface. Sounds hard as fuck. I just like it. The real Scarface. It was an Alphonse Capone. I just like it. The real Scarface. What was it? Was it Alphonse

Capone? I think so. Okay. That's a cool name. I would imagine. Alphonse? I don't think it was Alan. That would... Alan Capone. Alan. Alan Capone. I think it is Alphonse. I do aluminum siding. How the hell are you?

Hello. Alan Capone. I'm going to run for mayor, I think, in about three years. I'm going to be comptroller of this fair city. It's like a guy who says his city when he says his name. Alan Capone. Green Fort, Illinois.

And you're like, yeah. Hands you a business card? Stand-up guy. Hands they shook when he shakes it. Yeah, it looks you in your eye too Zach, what do you got? Second pick Oh, second pick

I am going to go with Oh boy, I'm going to go with Dr. Al Pastor What? It's a fake one I think it's a fun one There's no origin off this one This is just pure nonsense I just wanted to be sure.

I didn't know if it was referential. Sorry. This is just a complete fake name. That's a real Ron Mexico. I love the attachment of doctor or esquire or some kind of thing you had to learn onto it. When I mail things

to people, I just put doctor. I don't know why it took me so long to realize you can just put doctor and that still gets to where they're going. The post office isn't like, wait a minute, check their school. Right. Dr. David Borey, you can put anything you want in there as long as the zip code's right.

Including drugs. You can. I had a buddy who used to sell gerbil mansions through the mail you hide them in coffee beans they won't catch them I do that thing I don't know if any of you have seen it but I send postcards now on Tuesdays when people send me

good news I love it when you send me postcards I love doing it but like Bert's assistant became a really good friend of mine, Peter. I just draw the most graphic things on these postcards. And then I'll just be like, he's Italian, I'll just be like, Italians

are dirty, and then I just put his address in. Shane Torres. Shane Torres, everybody. Italians are dirty. There's some very graphic shit on some of these cards. I love that. And he says his roommates get it.

Because I've sent him at least 20. It's not going to stop. And his roommates are like, what the fuck is happening here? There's something. I love sending mail. It's a thing that's lost. It really is.

And it's nice to be like, you know, sometimes like texting or calling someone, you're like, Oh, I don't want it to be that immediate. Like, I don't want to like interrupt whatever they are doing.

So a letter is perfect. Cause it's like, Oh, you read it when you, when you're able, you respond when you're able, you know, I'm getting like burned out on texting.

I'm starting to feel like, yeah, I like, I just feel like an asshole now. Like I'll text and then I'll, I out on texting. I'm starting to feel... I just feel like an asshole. I'll text and then I'll... I don't know. I think I'm airing into phone calls again, which I shouldn't feel crazy for doing. Do you want to hear something weird?

Yes. I just got a text from a wrong number and it says, why is Evan on the floor of my dorm room higher than the Empire State? Absolutely. Because Evan smoked a blunt, dude. Hey man, is he high again? I'm going to keep us...

I'll keep you updated. Yeah, ask him a few questions. How high is he? Just go, oh no, he's not doing it again, is he? Wait, he got out? I can't give it away just yet. I got to pull the Jay Larson phone call move. Yeah, just give him enough to keep going.

Dr. Al Pastor, fantastic. Yeah, that food always sounds like a name. Al Pastor. I know it's a Mexican dish, but if it a name. Al Pastor. I know it's a Mexican dish, but if it's a doctor, Al Pastor, for some reason I think of an Indian man and I don't know why. Or a woman.

Or a woman. Made up Indian doctors with Mexican names can be men or women. Sounds like a fun show. Put on a shirt and sell it. Before you sell that, Shane, why don't you go ahead and sell us on your second pick? Oh, my second

pick? Okay. This was one of my favorite, you know, like I've been boxing, but like some of the guys at the gym have boxing nicknames and I just looked up boxing nicknames. Juan, the Hispanic

cause and panic, Lescano. I saw that. Whoa. Man. People were really afraid he was going to take their jobs, huh? So I had to. The Hispanic cause and panic right yeah that's

what era is this from like there's got to be like the 40s or something no um no 86 like 2003 oh no Bush years I love it Oh man He just took over and he's like I know what I gotta do The guy fought for a world title though Hey Update on the texting before we move over to David He's telling my dog to jump off the balcony

And he broke the lamp my grandma gave me Before she walked into the woods and never returned What? There's no way Before she walked into the woods and never returned. What? There's no way. Oh my God. Before she walked into the woods and never returned? Is she a stray dog?

Make sure they don't live in New York. It's a Fort Worth area code, so I think this might be legitimate. Oh. That's what I was going to ask you next. Do you think you might know them? I can't think of an Evan I would know. So you think this might be like a way back? And so like this is if they know you.

Yeah. Ask what his grandma's name was. I'll think of it. Let's keep going with the draft because I don't want us to get too distracted on this. Ask if the dog's going to jump. Does he look like he's going to jump? Would the dog be okay or would it just break its legs?

Do you think the dog is serious? Yeah. I wish you would step back from that ledge, my dog. They're doing amazing things with doggy casts lately, so if he jumps, it should be alright. Do you think the dog is serious about it or is it a bark for help?

Oh, yeah. There he goes. Specials dropping pretty quick. Check it out. David Borey, time for the second and third picks as Tiz Serpentine. So my next one, I wanted to pick one of the

celebrity hotel ones. I think those are just really fun. It's a fun common use of an alias. We all can do it. And I picked this one because this seems like the most unlike the guy who says it. Tom Hanks checking in is Johnny Madrid.

Because Johnny Madrid, as soon as you say that to me, that's a whole guy. That's a lot of contrast between Tom Hanks, the man, and what that name implies. Yeah, like Johnny Madrid smokes thin cigarettes from Europe. Johnny Madrid is Timothy Olafont's

name in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. Johnny Madrid? Yeah. Because I was Googling this last night and I wondered which came first because that can't be a coincidence. Quentin Tarantino must have lifted that and named somebody. Johnny Madrid is the accountant for Ron Mexico.

Johnny Madrid can the accountant for Ron Mexico. Oh, yeah. Johnny Madrid can wear a crop top and you wouldn't think it was weird. You know they say Johnny Madrid only has sex with multiple partners at the time because no one person can satisfy it. I believe that. I believe that. If I was him, I'd go by Yanni. Johnny? Yanni Madrid?

Yeah, exactly. Dr. Johnny Madrid? Put some music in it, you know? Tom Hanks. There's no music to that. Tom Hanks. That's what I mean. Exactly.

It's like, if I was looking over a list and they were like, which one do you think is actually Tom Hanks? It's a perfect alias because I would never have thought. I would never think Johnny Madrid. Johnny Madrid is spicy. Tom Hanks sounds like mayonnaise. Not that he's not great. I'm just saying.

No, but he's like very milquetoast. Yeah. Tom Hanks would use Ruben Studdard as an alias before China Madrid. Speaking of Ruben Studdard's nickname. Tom Hanks. No. Chet Hanks. Chet Hanks. Chet Hanks Chet Haynes

Chet Haynes You go knocking on the door Swag to Tom Hanks It's Ruben Stoddard coming up Yeah man Johnny Madrid That'd be It'd be interesting

If you were working at the hotel And they're like Yeah There's something about First name And then last name Being a city or a state So ominous

What is that movie It's like I never trust somebody With their last name As a city or Oh yeah Don't ominous. What is that movie? It's like, I never trust somebody with their last name as a city or something. Oh, yeah. Don't play cards. You don't play cards

with someone named after a city. Yeah, what is that? Yeah, you don't fuck with Teddy Cincinnati at the dice game. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's fantastic, man.

Tom Hanks checking in as Johnny Madrid. And third pick? Third pick. This is one I've actually used. It's super weird with... I ain't've actually used. It's super weird. I ain't talking about comedy. It's super weird.

I've been doing it on the road for a long time. Just every now and again, I think it's funny. If I go somewhere I've never been or somewhere that I have been, and I crush really, really hard. Because people don't know. You know what I mean? Now, these past few years, I guess, people are coming to see you. But before, you're just performing. It's the comic they came to see.

They're not going to remember you and whatever. So for years, I would just say I was Bruce Bruce. And then for years, I've seen you do that for a year. Yeah. For years and years. I think it's so funny.

Because before it would be like a thing where and Bruce Bruce is like fringe enough I just love the idea of somebody being like Bruce Bruce I saw that guy do whatever in the back of a bike store in Pensacola one time like just the idea that people might think

that it's me and the weird shit the weird not Bruce Bruce shit I'm out there doing it's just so funny but like recently i did it and this guy was like dude you were so funny and i had already forgot i had done it and the guy was like the guy was like dude did you know tom segura talks about you on his podcast and i was like no way he was like no i, dude. He talks about you for like 10 minutes about seeing you do a bit one time and you being really funny. And I'm such a fucking mark. I was like, oh, badass. And the guy's like, I'm going to find it.

I'm going to find it and I'll show you. And then like 15 minutes later, as I'm walking out, he's like, dude, I saw the clip. I found the clip. It's just a 10-minute clip of Segura talking about Bruce Bruce. I know what you're talking about. Segura has a line where he's describing Bruce Bruce and he goes,

if they say your name twice, there's a lot of you. Could you imagine someone being behind you? Just someone who looks like me and I'm like, oh, Larry, Larry. I'm checking. Party of one. Oh my God.

Dick Dick. Wayne, Wayne. Please call me Richard Richard. Dick Dick is my father. Yeah. Do you think like when Mike Tyson was in court they had to be like aka Iron Mike Tyson

aka the baddest man on the planet aka I think you demanded it yes no I think they probably just did to feel safe yeah we're going to just do it. I don't want to roll the dice and see what happens if we don't call him Iron Mike.

Man, that... I just, off top, I just watched that Tupac documentary on Netflix and Mike Tyson was talking. He goes, I knew I was supposed to be a fighter because basically it's like the first fight I ever got in, I got a boner. And I was just like, oh my god. Wait, what? He said he beat somebody up

and he got hard. It just sounds insane. Yeah, that's how that happens to some of us. Trust me, it doesn't happen to others. Don't feel bad if you don't get boned up on the violence. Me, Mike Tyson, and that guy who dressed up as clowns and killed all those kids. And Tiger Woods. And Tiger Woods.

I just keep thinking about if that was the same passion for someone. So there's just dudes at 2 a.m. texting other dudes like, hey, you want to fight? Hey man, this boner will not go away. You mind if I swing over and beat your ass real quick? I didn't get one of them quick boners that I normally get. This one's sticking around. Zach.

No. Scratch that. Shane. time for your third pick. I miss Ian. I'm trying. You're doing good, Sean. If this is not allowed, I have another one, but there's an episode of The Simpsons where Homer becomes a professional

boxer. Love it. Mo became a professional boxer. There's this great scene. He goes, well, they used to call me Kid Moe. Then eventually it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. Or Kid Gorgeous, Kid Presentable, Kid Gruesome. And eventually just Kid Moe.

So I'm taking Moe's four nicknames. Go over them a little slower, please. Okay. He started off as Kid Gorgeous. Then Kid Presentable. I like it. Go over them a little slower, please. Okay. He started off as kid gorgeous, then kid presentable, then kid gruesome, and eventually just kid Mo. The thing that's hilarious about Timmy

is that in this joke, Mo is worse than gruesome. Yeah, that's the best. I could see Mo being an animal if you got him in the right situation. You don't own a bar without having some shit go down. Without having that, you got him in the right situation. You don't own a bar without having some shit go down. Without having that, you got to have it in you

somewhere. God, love it. It wasn't always happy hour at Mo's. Some nights it was 2 a.m. on Friday. I'd say it was rarely. I would call bars and do prank calls because of those. Oh, dude. Everybody. Amanda Butthickey.

That's always been my favorite one. In Cincinnati, there's this place, this old it was from the 1800s or something, but they had an old dial telephone still. I called my cell phone. This was back when I still drank.

I called my cell phone from that phone. Then when they'd kick us out at the end of the night, I'd sit in the parking lot and you could see in, there windows all over the bar and i'd be like i'm upstairs come get me that is such a you thing to do yeah that's that's like you fuck it god man if i was a bartender closing up at the end of the night, you'd be the worst. I was. I was pretty brutal. I would cancel people's jukebox songs for fun.

Oh, we used to skip them. I'd look at people and just be like, nope. Oh, yeah. I was right in front of their face when I went to bars. I would already have drank a Four Loko. And then I would show up at a bar. Oh, yeah, dude. That's how you go to a bar.

That's the problem. You went in, ate Loko. We used to drink. loco and then i would show up at a bar yeah dude that's the problem you went in eight loco yeah we'd get a four loco and a 40 and get that in and be like all right now we're like now we're ready to go start you know like there is going to be a class action lawsuit where if you can prove that you drank a four loco you will be financially compensated for whatever yeah john's gonna have a windfall later on in life yeah Don't give me that 10 cents for each one that I drank. Dude, if Old English and Four Loko go down, you're set for life. This episode of All Fantasy Everything

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B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash AllFantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. Zach, third pick. What do you got? Third pick? Oh, man. Well, this is... He's a contemporary of Dr. Al Pastor, and we have

Mr. Reverend Al Dente The Honorable The Honorable Dente I just like anything with an Al Mr. Reverend Al Dente You want to hear I might have told you this before My buddy Gary I grew up with

He My whole life He was like you got to hear so i might have told you this before so my buddy gary i grew up with he bar my whole life made he was like you got to call my dad reverend we had to call him reverend and then their last name and i found out year i mean i knew this kid since i'm five probably found out when i was 10 that his dad was not at all associated with any sort of nothing it was just we were calling him reverend for year forever it was it was insane to me i was like what's up just calling your dad like priest stuff no he did i look back and it's like no far from it my friend far from it yeah there was a lot of not reverend shit going on maybe maybe it was just a joke you weren't aware that was going on i don't know if it was a joke or like

a it could have been an old nickname from like way before I met his kid, you know, from when he was in his younger days. I don't know. Yeah, maybe, but yeah, we called him Reverend for years and he was not a Reverend. It was a day.

Hey, still, it's still tough ass nickname. It was pretty buck, man. Yeah. Reverend, Mr.

Reverend Al Dente. I like it. The honorable. So do you want it to be the honor? Reverend Al Dente. I like it. The Honorable. So do you want it to be the Honorable Mr. Reverend? Reverend Al Dente, the Honorable. I like the Honorables at the end. Make sure you get it in there, you know.

That'd be crazy to just introduce yourself as the I'm the Honorable Shane Torres. Nice to meet you. Just to do that? Dude, that shit sounds so amazing to me. I don't like calling people by their professional moniker when they're not doing their job. If I see a judge, that's Mr. So-and-so or Mrs. So-and-so. It's just how you were raised.

Yeah, fucking not trying to. While you're out of the grocery store buying pretzel chips, I got to call you your honor. Fucking eat my ass. Get in the Gerbil Palace deep. Get in my Gerbil Palace podcast. You know what a Gerbil Palace is. We had our journal or like our

it's like our social studies teacher or something in high school made us call her Dr. Anderson and we're like, oh, all right. Okay, but she wouldn't even respond if we didn't call her Dr. Anderson. Like we couldn't go to the bathroom. She's like, the title's aspirational.

Do you not believe in me? I always, I always kind of, um, there's a moment inside. Anyone says that they're a doctor and then they're not, you know, like they're,

Oh, I'm a doctor of theology. And you're like, Oh, shut up. No one would call you. If someone's's if there's an emergency on a plane what are you gonna do well what is a soul i guess now uh now it's time for my third and fourth picks let me know if i can do this i'm gonna leave it to you guys this is one from zach that uh that i've always liked and it threw me the first time I heard it. So I was returning a tennis

racket for Zach one time at this. And he goes, the racket, you need to return the racket right by this place called the Fiery Redhead. And I thought it was like a tattoo parlor in Portland or something. Come to find out that Zach has been calling Wendy's the Fiery Redhead ever since I've known him. I remember this. Because I was like, where the fuck is the fire? I'm walking around with these tennis rackets. I walked by this shop a. Because I was like, where the fuck is the fire? I'm walking around with these tennis rackets. I walked by this shop a bunch because I was like, I do not see anywhere called the Fiery Redhead. And I called him and I go, or no, I didn't return him. And I called you later that night.

And I was like, where is the Fiery Redhead? Because I had Helen's car. I borrowed Helen's car. And you're like, oh, dude, that's Wendy's. Like, oh, so the tennis shop right by Wendy's on Sandy. Yeah. So I'm picking the Wendy's going by the fiery redhead, AKA the fiery redhead, which man, I love.

I've completely stolen it from you. And I use it every chance I get because nobody ever gets it. And as soon as they get it, they love it so much. That Wendy's got a lot, a lot of money out of, out of our group of friends. A lot of our, anytime someone got their hands on a car, remember that we just be sitting there like, Greg,

what if we take your car and go to Wendy's? And he'd be like, sure. That Wendy's saved my life a few times. There's a few times where I went back. Not a lot of people say that. There's like more than a, that Wendy's.

There is more than a handful of times that I went back through the drive-thru just to say thank you you know when I figured that out that got me you know one of those you laugh so hard by yourself things I could not get over how funny that was

you kept walking past the tennis store on Sandy and being like well it couldn't have been that one. There must be another tennis store right next to it. Straight up. And I'm holding tennis rackets and you know they're sitting there like look at that idiot. Look at that dipshit walking by. I bet you feel the same way holding tennis rackets that I would

holding a skateboard. It's like I just know intrinsically people who do it would know that I don't know how to do it. I knew I was holding it wrong. I was probably holding them where you're not supposed to hold them. Twirling them around my fingers like any dipshit who's ever played tennis would ever do. I mean, that's pretty cool, actually, if you could do that. Yeah, that's not bad. I'm out here. Thank you, boys. I appreciate the support.

You know what you do? If anyone wants to know what the cool way to... If you have multiple rackets, you just hold one and then you put the others in it, like the throat around. I can't do it visually. That makes sense. So, yes, I'm picking Wendy's, the Fire Redhead. And then now it's getting down there. I got to pick this one

just because it's the only skateboard avenue I can take, but Tony Hawk alias the Birdman. I love it. It's just so fun. Not bird man not my president not my bird man the tony hawk just the original bird man it just fits so perfect last name hawk is just fantastic and i love that he's like he just did it he's like the one skateboarder who's like actually straight up famous and he's got that whole thing going on about like people coming

up telling him he looks like tony hawk but they don't think he's tony hawk did you see that uh video of him singing uh superman with goldfinger yeah it was bad yeah it's real bad but it's fine i mean it's like nostalgic as shit yeah goldfinger has got to be stoked that that man made a video game because that i can't imagine how many tickets they sold because of that yeah yeah it definitely it definitely kept him gave them a little bit of a lifeline I'm sure would you call Tony Hawk Birdman in front of the big timers yeah they'd call him Birdman I bet I'd sit back and see how it played out well one of them's Birdman and the other one's the Birdman Tony Hawk is the Birdman and the other one's the Birdman. Tony Hawk is the Birdman

and the other one's Birdman, right? He never goes, Big Timers doesn't ever go by the Birdman. He just goes by Birdman. Are you talking about Michael Keaton? No. The Big Timers, Michael Keaton. Baby. Big Timers. Big Timers

would be a cool ass name for one guy. I'm Big Timers. Yeah, man, we just happened to be getting caught. After the Big Timers show, all the Big Timers went out a cool ass name for one guy. I'm big time. And we just happened to be getting caught. We just, after the big timers show, all the big timers went out to eat. Michael Keaton happened to be there. You know,

the big timers like to eat alone. Are you talking about Michael Keaton? I don't know. Bird man. That was a movie. He did. Michael Keaton has everything in his mama's name. So he's got a quarter tank of gas in his new E class.

His new key class, dude. Yes, Birdman. Tony Hawk, the Birdman. Zach, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick is going to be one that I don't know if I started. I was the first one to say it and it applies to everything. It's Big Kitty. I love calling dudes Big Kitty.

Could be a big dog, could be a beautiful woman, could be Shane Torres I call them all big look at this big kitty big kitty it's the best when it's a real like when you see a lion at a zoo or something when it is a real big kitty you want to like elbow like a

fourth grader next to you like ooh it's a big kitty yeah yeah yeah no it does fit it fits a lot of stuff which is why it's so fun. Who did we go to the zoo with, Zach? It was you, Sean, and Ricketts. Oh, God, yeah. When the turtles were fucking...

Yeah, that's right. It was all... Yeah, and Ricketts. I texted them the other... Because on the way to the zoo, Ricketts was explaining to us what turtle sex sounded like. And I was like, no way. And then we got to the zoo and they were doing it. He described it perfectly.

He said it sounds like an old man trying to move a fridge. I couldn't believe we saw this turtle walk over and we're like, that turtle is going to go take it. And he did. He's spoken into existence. Yeah, we saw the turtle. It is funny because none of us are animal experts, but as soon as you see a turtle,

it was moving a little bit faster than normal and it was taking a wide turn. Nobody there thought we were animal experts, by the way. I had my mesh shorts on. I was laughing so hard. I was for sure going to piss my pants and I had to remove myself. I know I've talked about it,

but I had to leave because there were kids around. I'm like, this is crazy. You had to call Laura to calm down. I tried and I couldn't even talk to her. So I hung up on her. I was laughing so hard. I couldn't even talk to her. So I called her and hung up and she's like, what's going on?

And then later you tell her and she was like, oh, cool. I'm pregnant, Sean. I obviously couldn't get enough of it. And she's like, yeah, yeah. I'm two months pregnant, Sean. I'm glad you're having a fun time. You had to call Laura and be like, tell me something. Tell me about mortgages.

Yeah. You got to calm me down. Let me get serious. Yeah, man. Big kitty. Anything can be a big kitty. It's dank. Shane, fourth pick. Made the earth sick. What do you got? Fourth pick. Made the earth sick. I do you got? Fourth pick, made the earth sick.

I'm going to go with a mobster nickname, and it's a pretty good one. Israel Ice Pick Alderman. Ice Pick Willie Alderman, I'm sorry. Whoa. That's too cold. Ice Pick. Yeah. I used to have a joke where I'd...

Oh, man. It was something talking about ice pick. Oh, yeah. I remember that. It was about how I'd buckle under torture or something. And in a casino, they're like, we even stuck an ice pick in this guy's balls and he didn't say anything. And I was like, if I found out there was a guy... Well, I was like, if I found out there was a guy named Ice Pick

involved, I'd tell you anything you want to know. I'd be like, wait, shit, Icepick's on his way? Well, here's my mom's social, unfortunately. Anything else I can do. I don't need Icepick. It's the crazy thing about getting... If you know,

deep down in you, you're either going to snitch or you're not. And if you know at some point you're going to, there's no point in trying to prove anything. Just go ahead and snitch. Now, if you're not going to, go're either going to snitch or you're not. And if you know at some point you're going to, there's no point in trying to prove anything. Go ahead and snitch. Now, if you're not going to, go ahead and don't snitch. But, yeah. And a hush fell over the crowd. I'm not saying snitch. I'm just saying.

Welcome to my TED Talk. Are you a snitch or not? There's two kinds of people in the world. You knew when you woke up this morning. I just point to some dude. You. Inside of you lives two snitches. You're a snitch. Get out of here. The cops are waiting. Go join them.

Out of my TED talk. So Israel Alderman. Israel Ice Pick Willie Alderman, who was a mob enforcer in Minneapolis, and he got his nickname by stabbing people through the eardrum, puncturing their brain. To be fair, how many times do you got to do that for people to be like, that's what he does?

Wait, are you getting a text? It's like twice. The victims would slump over the bar, appearing to be drunk, and he would drag the bodies out with no questions asked. That is wild. And in the bar, dude, different times, man. It's funny to think of him back when you let somebody have it being a mobster named Icepick Willie

from Minneapolis so he's just like oh hey there sorry about this now just icepicks him in the ear and then he became a casino investor and then he went to jail for tax evasion. He never went to jail for murder. Damn, that's how they get all of them, huh?

Always about the money. Him going to jail for tax evasion is like Suge Knight going to jail running that dude. It's so much other stuff. Or OJ going to jail for stealing back his memorabilia. We're going to get him sooner or later. We're all tax evading, you know? No, we're not tax evading you know no we're not

no no you shut your fucking trap Zach backyard I'm gonna drop all your LLC's publicly Zach Toscani in no way expresses the views of David Borey Enterprises speaking of snitches

or Chucani Cakes Inc yeah or Sean's 9 inches that's your LLC all 9 inches incorporated I'm sorry I know we usually do cash but could you wake this one up to my loadout yes that is Sean's

no apostrophe 9 inches write on that check 9 inches of Sean if you yes write on that check nine inches of Sean happy birthday by the way thanks for hiring me it was fun

yeah I'll be back next year for sure Israel Ice Pick Willie Alderman David time for your fourth and fifth picks fourth one

I'm taking a fictional alias from a fictional man I'm taking Dale Grisble's often used alias Rusty Shackleford. Oh, man.

What a good one. That's fucking great. That's one you could go through your whole life. That would work as a kid. It would work as an adult. God damn, I love it. And that's a name of a person that I'm like, I want to meet this guy.

His name is Rusty Shackleford. And also a name of like, maybe I forgot this guy. He sells used tires from Shackleford. And also a name of maybe I forgot this guy. He sells used tires from semis that Jack knifed? Rusty Shackleford will teach. This is one of my favorite quotes ever. Rusty Shackleford will teach you how to make a bomb out of a roll of toilet paper and a stick of dynamite.

Dude, everything about that show. I swear there's nothing bad about that show. I know we came for it really hard on here, but it's as close to a perfect show as you're going to get in my eyes. Oh, man. It's awesome.

I never watch any of it still. I never watch any of it and get... All of it's still funny. All of it still holds... None of it's problematic. Every episode's a trip to the Gerbil Palace. It's like getting your ass eaten every time David time for your last I got kicked out of the gerbil palace for touching the dancers

can you put in a good word for me they have the stink of human touch on them they all got murdered is what I mean yeah you can't touch you definitely can't touch them there in their butt David time for your last pick we'll do

a quick last round my last pick is another one that I've used but it's completely just a funny one time me and Sam Talent did school to go bowl in high school and we were we got all stoned and went bowling and over the

intercom at like 1 p.m at the bowling alley they were like uh jackson you're ready at the snack bar snack bar jackson and we just and just ever since then me and him it's always been our inside calling each other snack bar jackson like we said, he was a retired ABA phenom. They found him one day belly up. Of course he was. They found him in a hotel belly up in like a vat of nacho cheese. We had so much. He still had his undershirt on.

Yeah. We had so much lore about snack bar Jackson. It's like a bit we've had, you know, over 20 years now. Yeah. But yeah, and it's an alias. Snack Bar Jackson. He'll still call me Snack Bar sometimes. Snack Bar Jackson was nasty with it.

Oh, are you kidding? He invented the pick and roll. He just called it all the toppings. Yeah. This is a true story. He's the first one to put all the ingredients together Yeah. This is a true story. He's the first one to put all the ingredients together for a chopped cheese. All of them.

A little snack bar Jackson, man. Don't try a five-hole snack bar. He'll get you. He was the first one to freeze a candy bar. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He invented the cool cigarette. He named the whatchamacallit. It goes on for days.

But yeah, Snackbar Jackson. You know when you pull a slot machine? He's the reason that cherries are the big winner. Let me tell you, that was a crazy summer. He was the one who named slush puppies. Which that sounds gross when you think about it. Yeah, slush puppy. She's a named slush puppies. That sounds gross when you think about it. Yeah, slush puppy. She's a real slush puppy.

You know that fire that burns in the coal mines underneath Pennsylvania that's going to evacuate that? He started that. Yeah. He was burning tires in a cave. Yeah. Shane, hit us with number five. Playboy, last pick. What do you got?

Okay, well, this is kind of a weird nickname I got When I was in Europe earlier this year We were in Amsterdam Is it Big Dirty Slut again No it's quite the opposite This is the ending you were not expecting With how I opened with the first chapter We were in Amsterdam And somebody from a

Hit HBO show bought me a laugh dance I know I know this story and the dancer she was like you can touch whatever just not my booty like she just kept saying

and I was like I'm not touching anything she goes big boy so shy and then she just grabbed my dick and then I was like, I'm not touching anything. She goes, Big boy so shy. And then she just grabbed my dick. And then I was like, hey! I was like, you know, like, swear to God, didn't do a thing. And then I heard her calling me

big boy so shy to all the other dancers. Hell yeah. That's so much of European pop group! Jay Torres, aka Big Boy So Shy We got the new hit by Big Boy So Shy I got an honorable mention later

They're too wet for the dryer by Big Boy So Shy They're too wet for the dryer Exclusive Big Boy So Shy They're too wet for the try. Exclusive. Big boy so shy. Big boy so shy. Zach, what do you got? Fifth pick.

This was the name of someone I went to high school with. I never knew what their gender was. I only heard their name over the overhead announcements. And it's always a name I've wanted to use as an alias. And that's Scarlett Brotherton. I could be an author. That is... Wow. That was Augustin Burroughs' first pen name before he wrote

Running With Scissors. Yeah, I like that a lot. That's got... I like it when they sound smooth. Scarlett Brotherton. Fantastic last name. A guy named Scarlett Brotherton Fantastic last pick A guy named Scarlett sounds cool to me Yeah sounds cool and tough A man named Scarlett sounds like a spy movie from the 70s

Yeah like that unreleased Bond film Because they showed too much nudity even for them Tinker Tailor Soldier Spee Alright time for my last pick Last pick of the draft You inspired me I forgot But I gave myself an alias back in the day It was my boy band name

I used to call myself Tony Impact I remember that Fuck you suck I thought you were going to get really depressed I'm like this is a name I gave myself It was dipshit I'm sorry I can't be perfect.

This is my alias. The ugly loser who chews weird. Stupid gross man. Tony Impact. That was my boy band name. That is going to close it out for the boy band

draft. Let me recap for everybody out there listening. David, you went first. You picked Garth Brooks going by Chris Gaines. Second, Tom Hanks, aka Johnny Madrid. Third, David Borey, aka Bruce Bruce. Third, David Gribble. Dale Gribble, rather, aka

Rusty Shackleford, and then Snackbar Jackson. Shane, you went second. You picked Shane Torres, aka Big Dirty. Then you picked Justin Lascano, uh, the Hispanic cause and panic. Then you pick Moe from the Simpsons, AKA kid gorgeous, AKA kid presentable, AKA kid gruesome, final AKA kid Moe. Then you picked Israel ice pick Willie Alderman and then Shane Torres, AKA big boy. So shy Zach, you went third. You picked Michael Vick, AKA Ron Mexico, then straight up, a.k.a. Big Boy So Shy. Zach, you went third.

You picked Michael Vick, a.k.a. Ron Mexico. Then straight up, a.k.a. Dr. Al Pastor, followed by Mr. Reverend Al Dente, the Honorable, followed by Big Kitty, closed out by Scarlett Brotherton. My friend, that sounds like a band I would listen to. I went last. I picked George Costanza, a.k.a. Art Vandele.

Then I picked Al Capone, a.k.a. Scarface. Then I picked Wendy's, a.k.a. Art Vandele. Then I picked Al Capone, a.k.a. Scarface. Then I picked Wendy's, a.k.a. The Fiery Redhead. Tony Hawk, a.k.a. The Birdman. And then myself, a.k.a. Tony Impact. I got pretty much all the ones. You guys leave any heaters on the board you want to talk about? I'm crazy on the board.

I wanted to start calling myself a young thrillionaire for a little while. I've heard you float that sometimes when we're all wasted. I think you said it on fish night. Yeah. Fish night. Are we still talking about the gerbil mansion?

Dude, it's fish night at the gerbil mansion. Put your nose guard on. Fish night at the gerbil. Only night I come back for seconds. Yeah, that's when i fly to iceland what about just larry oh the just is in the name yeah yeah i like uh i like he hate me but i was like i i didn't came up yeah dude from uh the xfl is that what he was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He played in the league too, but they made him change his name. They wouldn't let an NFL, after the Ron Mexico thing, they're like, we can't. We can't fuck around anymore.

Oh, that's right. They did have crazy names on the back of their jerseys, right? Yeah. Oh, all of them. Because they could pick them. They could make them. They could pick their own, like, whatever they wanted. Next time I'm in Paris, I want to go by Thierry

Del Fuego. Not Terry, Thierry. Well, Thierry, that has been the draft. I thank the two of you for coming on. This is fantastic. Hit us with your picks. We want to hear any of your dank aliases. All Fantasy Pod. What? Hit me. What's going on? I googled

top XFL nicknames real quick. Primetime Pump is one of them. Yeah, dude. And then the other one's just gotta suck. Also, E-Rub. See? That's what you get, man. You let a creative be a creative. You're gonna get dank jerseys.

Hit us with your picks. Allfantasypod at gmail.com. Hit us on Instagram. Hit us wherever you can find us. That is the show. Thank you so much for listening. Big shout out to Haji Beats. Big shout out to Sid the Dude. Big shout out to Frankie Ocean,

Saint Sue Carmel. Shout out to everybody. More important than all that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity! fantasy everything shaklakity that was a hate gum podcast