All Fantasy Everything - Alternative Careers to the Ones You Have (w/ Marcella Arguello, David Gborie, and Zak Toscani)

Episode Date: April 19, 2018

Take this job and shove it, AFE ain't working here no more. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Marcella Arguello, International Waters, and Old Yung Viral Tweet God to draft jobs we'd wanna do if we were not comedians! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that's got to be honest, it's not on the surfboard yet. It's sitting in the ocean. It's bobbing up and down. There's waves coming. But I just keep sort of getting like lazily tossed off my surfboard. What I'm trying to say is my brain has not completely synced up with my mouth there's a fog i don't want to blame it on the halal guys that i post made it around 8 45 last night before i went to bed at 10 last night anyway it's that podcast that's a good that's a good friday night time i ate at 9 15 and then went to bed at 10 that's a weird night it's all that hummus yeah i had like almost blood i had like a 50 uh 50 milligram edible damn watch mortal kombat went to bed at 11 that's all sleep yeah just kept

waking up to every battle scene which was every five minutes yeah living your teenage dreams over there oh yeah well you guys did the after that i, I was like, fuck Mortal Kombat. Oh, yeah. That song should have been in the 90% you want to fight. Mortal Kombat. I don't think either of us sang it. Is that it? Mortal. That's part of it. I thought it was like.

There's a lot going on in that song. There is a lot going on in that song. I'm singing Are You Ready For This. You're all right and you're all wrong at the same time. That's why it's so beautiful. And in that, we're all just wrong for wanting to sing it, though, at the top of this podcast. I didn't do it. Yeah, no. My son was the only one who was right. I was like, no, no.

Well, we're going to go on with the podcast. Let's do it. Go on. Yeah. Go on. Go on. Are you okay? No. What's wrong with me? You're just a rat in a Johnny Cage over there. I am.

Despite all my rage. Thank you. You know, you look hangover there. That's, you know. Bicycle kid. I'm not good either. None of us are surfing yet. I don't know what.

I'm doing pretty good. Yeah, actually. Yeah, I've been up since seven. I had a couple cups of coffee. Had my breakfast. I'm feeling good. I, actually, that was good. Yeah, I've been up since 7. I had a couple cups of coffee, had my breakfast. I'm feeling good. I worked on this a little bit. Just some bratwurst and rice. Oh, hell yeah.

Some leftovers. For breakfast? It's food, David. Okay, don't come at me like, why is everybody calling it bratwurst and rice? Bratwurst is breakfast. Yeah. Why is everybody coming for me? Food is breakfast.

Okay, okay. No, fuck me. Eggs are breakfast. I'm just going to me? Food is breakfast. Okay, okay. No, fuck me. Eggs are breakfast. I'm just going to eat fucking pizza for breakfast. I had pizza for breakfast yesterday. I believe you. This is weird. Roommate talk.

Welcome to another roommate talk. Oh, boy. We'll get to it. David, we're joined here in the studio by David Boring. Hey. The G is silent on Twitter. CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. Yes, sir.

Somebody found you that Monique doing a circle dance gif. Yo, yeah. Whoever found me the Monique doing the circle dance, thank you so much. How do you even find that gif? I don't know. I was sitting in traffic thinking about it for like 15 minutes. Yeah, it was like exactly the part I talked about where she, do you remember we watched it? Get your finger out of my face.

All right, all right. No, okay. This is gonna be like this today? That's great. Okay. Thank you for finding that gif, guy. So what happened? What's the story?

Do you remember when we were watching that Yo Mama show with Monique? And she was like, Yo Mama got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job. Oh, yeah, I do remember that. And then she did the circle dance like all the way around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody drinking on the job. Oh, yeah, I did remember that. And then she did the circle dance like all the way around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody found a gift for that. Oh, I did see that, Cher. Yeah. I don't know if you ever seen it. Okay, okay, that's why my finger was in your face. Wow, you need to chill out.

That's why his bratwurst was up in your rice. Yeah. P.S., this is what living with David is like. He just yells at me. I yell a lot. I don't know, I'm passionate. And I instigate, I'm real passive aggressive about shit.S. This is what living with David is like. He just yells at me. I yell a lot. I don't know. I'm passionate. And I instigate.

I'm real passive aggressive about shit. Yeah. I'm passionate. Whoa, whoa. I'm like Chef Boyardee. I get it. Yeah. I'm loud and big.

You're Chef Boyardee and she's a bowl of cold. Beefaroni. Beefaroni. You never want to be beefaroni. What do you want me to do? You can't do my salad like that. I don't care. Beefaroni is one of the only foods that tastes exactly the same hot or cold.

I used to eat that shit for a long time. When I was broke, I would heat it up. And then eventually, I don't know if it was my self-esteem or my standards got too low, but I would just eat it cold. Oh, yeah. It doesn't matter. Out of the can. It's the same experience.

Tasting the inside of the can a little bit, too. Just eating cold Chef Boyardee ravioli on my way to a Groundlings class. Wow. You're like, that's either the inside of a can or some blood. Yeah, look at me now. Drinking LaCroix upstairs. That's right. You really beat the game.

Hilarious. Hot LaCroix, by the way. Hot LaCroix out of the can. I say all that to say this. I don't have any dates. Okay, yeah. Still nothing on the calendar. My whole April is like, I think I got, oh, I'm going to be in Arkansas at some point

in May, but I don't know what the day is. Arkansas. What are you doing in Arkansas? There's like a little comedy festival deal out there. I don't know all the specifics. I probably shouldn't even be talking about it. God bless all these people starting little comedy festivals. Yeah.

Let me get my- Losing money left and right. Yeah. Just really hammering money. But I will cash those checks. I don't give a shit. I did a festival with Jackie Cajun recently, and everybody was kind of looking around like, oh, this is fiscally irresponsible.

And then I saw Cajun back in LA, and she was like, hey, my check bounced from that festival. I hope yours didn't. I was like, oh, no, mine did not. But mine went through my agency. You've got to get in early. That's one of those cash the first check things. Like when you hear about Barnstorm and Baseball Team stories,

and they were like, the players used to run to the bank to cash the check, because they knew only the first eight would go. stories. And they were like, the players used to run to the bank to cash the check because they knew only the first eight would go. Damn. And stuff like that. Damn, you really have to be the fastest guy on that team. That's why Willie Mays was so famous.

Because he liked that money. He's a capitalist. Yeah, that's what it was. A staunch capitalist. He didn't even care about baseball. Satchel Paige, more of a socialist. He used to saunter. Yeah, he'd saunter. He'd rip his check immediately. He had a satchel Paige, more of a socialist. He used to saunter.

Rip his check immediately. He had a satchel full of void checks. I could cash it on Wednesday. By the way, if you live in a city and you would like to see any of the All Fantasy Everything people perform at your comedy club, you can at the comedy club and be like, please bring At the G is

Silent Inn, for example. That's a great idea. Yeah. People don't know how powerful that is. It's so powerful. It's very powerful. That shit gets back to the bosses. So if you want to see us come out, and you yourself don't have like $6,000 at your comedy

club, it's just as effective. And I'll say the same for if you yourself don't have $2,000. Or $800 and a bus ticket yeah let's be honest and a dinner i don't know why i threw six grand out there none of us are pulling six grand i don't know i don't know it's aspirational but once again if you want to see any of the all fantasy and everything people just tweet i want to see at the g is silent to your comedy club i will get it to whoever you want to see any of the All Fantasy and Everything people, just tweet I want to see at the G is silent to your comedy club. I will get it to whoever you want to see. Yeah.

I'll tell them. Yeah. If you want to see Zach Toscani, still tweet at the G is silent. I'll figure it out for you. David's my manager.

Yeah. We all know that. Yeah, now I am. Yeah. That includes anyone who's been on this podcast. If you want to see John Lovett

or any of the Podcast America guys, tweet at the G is silent. If you want to see Katie of the Podcast America guys, tweet at the G is silent. If you want to see Katie Nolan, just in life, tweet at the G is silent. I want him to come to my comedy club. And we'll figure it out. And that's anyone on the HeadGum network. If you'd like to bring Jake and Amir in, tweet

at the G is silent at the comedy club. We'll see Nicole Byer at the G is silent. We can do this all day. This is my least favorite segment of your guys' show. It's five minutes in. We haven't even started cooking yet. I know. The water's boiling.

We haven't even put spices in. The tide's rising. I'm starting to feel like I got my knees on the surfboard, though. I'm getting there. Not only is Dave in the studio, we also have Marcela Arguello in the studio. Friend of the podcast. Is this your first time here since the Kanye one? Since the Kanye one, yeah.

Holy shit. That was one of my favorite episodes we've ever done. Yeah, that was one of my favorite subjects. At Marcella Comedy on Twitter. Also on Instagram. Everything. There it is. Cross-platform Marcella Comedy.

Website, marcellacomedy.com. This is coming out on Thursday. Do you have anything to promote? April, I'm just, Women Crush Wednesday is every Wednesday in LA at the Hollywood Improv Lab. That's gotta be crowded in there, huh? It's fun. And then in May, I'm at the Hollywood Improv Lab. That's got to be crowded in there, huh? It's fun.

And then in May, I'm at Zany's in Chicago. Nice. Doing the Bloomington Limestone Fest as well. Oh, that's going to be great. Yeah, so come see me wherever the fuck you want to come see me. You know who else is going to be at Bloomington with you? Who? One Sean Jordan.

Oh, no. Yeah. Cancel my flight. What else has been up? How have you? We talked about earlier, I'm just lonely and sad. Lonely and sad. Yeah.

Comedy is not. I thought you were going to beat around the bush about it. We discussed this and you're like, no, I'm just sad as hell. No, I'm just bored and sad and not impressed with myself. I mean, I still look great, which is very important. Gets me through my days. Gets me through my days. But yeah, it's all whatever.

You need to have that life preserver in the sea of loneliness and sadness. You need one thing. Yeah. Mine are usually new shoes. Yeah. That or sometimes, I've discussed it on the podcast before, the trifecta where I order the Postmates on the way home and then get home

having just enough time to get stoned and then the Postmate shows up. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That'll buy me about eight hours of being happy. Yeah, mine is just standing alone in my room ripping my chest hair out. Yeah. One at a time? Yeah, I just want to feel. I just want to feel. This want to feel this is what happens

Sean Jordan's gone for one episode and we're all depressed yeah I know cause he's not here to be like too positive this is dank

stop and think what we're doing is dank what we're doing is dank we're all friends this is so dank I'm drinking I'm blinking we're having fun

fucking Abe Lincoln right there yeah he blinks so much when he's drunk. Yes. It's like that guy from the Sandlot. Squints? That's what he reminds me of.

Squints, yeah. Because he'll just look around and just be drinking and blinking. What's crazy is if you transcribe his blinks out in Morse code, it's saying, this is so dank. This is so dank. We're so lucky that we all have each other and we're here today. That's so much more positive I was thinking like please send help

no no I'm drowning I'm living in a positivity prison oh I've come oh my god I've gone scuba diving in those depths it's warm water all the way to the bottom oh yeah dude

I've tried to break him so many times god damn Zach my people are evil that is exactly what I'm saying yeah that's one of your good breaks. I'm trying to break it. But sometimes you need to embrace that it's shitty sometimes. You know when you get those Easter candies and you think it's a hollow egg and maybe there's something inside?

Yeah. With Sean, it's just full chocolate all the way through. It's just chocolate all the way. And you're surprised. You're like, whoa, shit. It's a Cadbury egg. It's a Cadbury egg. Yeah. It only just chocolate all the way. And you're surprised. You're like, whoa, shit. It's a Cadbury egg. It's a Cadbury egg. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It only gets better on the inside. Sometimes a little too creamy, though. Yeah. That's true, Sean. And Cadbury. And Cadbury eggs. I just don't like. I don't.

You know what's sad is I totally picture Sean listening to this in his car and enjoying all of it. Probably. Yeah, I love it. Oh, yeah. But I'm just saying the rest of you wouldn't listen to an episode that you're not on. Oh, well, I mean, I'm on all of them, but you're right. Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even listen to the ones that I'm on. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You don't listen to the ones you're not on. I go back and review tape like I'm a fighter preparing for his next movie. I've done it sometimes, but sometimes people tweeted us about rants, and I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know. Oh, I have no idea to what that's referring. Everybody's like, oh, I saw that happen to you. Somebody was like, it was so funny when you were talking about Jell-O babies. Yeah. And you were like, oh, yeah. What was I? What the fuck was I talking about?

Never responded. Yeah, you didn't say. No, the mystery deepens. Whoa. I still don't know what you were talking about. Not as here. Me neither. But fucking shout out to Jell-O babies.

Yeah. I still don't know what you were talking about and I was here. Me neither. But fucking shout out to Jello Babies. Yeah. Go see Marcella at Zany's or if you're in LA, go to Women Crush Wednesdays

at the Improv Lab every Wednesday. Every Wednesday. Every Wednesday. Also in the studio, young Zach Toscani, God. What up? At Zach Toscani on Twitter. Oh, yeah.

And on Instagram. Oh, yeah. This is your first time on the pod since you went viral. Wow. It's wild. It's wild. Anyway, I'm Ian Carmessi.

For those of you who didn't know, and I'm sure if you listen to this podcast, you know, Toscani told a harrowing story of a shrimp fried rice debacle at your workplace and it caught some traction on the old internet. Oh, yeah. It was crazy. Well, I mean, told a harrowing story of a shrimp fried rice debacle at your workplace. And it, and it caught some traction on the old internet.

Oh yeah. It was crazy. Well, I mean like you and Sean for a while, we're just tweeting me like screenshots of people who are retweeting it and stuff because I couldn't keep up. My phone was just dying. It was one of those things that just like,

it caught on so huge. Yes. It was like the day after you tweeted it, right? Yeah. And well, yeah, it was, I think the first day it was like a few hundred people. And I was like the day after you tweeted it right yeah and well yeah it was i think the first day it was like a few hundred people and i was like i'm very happy this isn't usually what it is if it's anything over 30 i was like having a good day um and yeah and then um that next day

well you texted me and you're like, you have to bump this up. You have to keep it going. Yeah. You have to keep it going. Yeah. And you have to kind of put yourself in it a little bit. Yes. And that's when, yeah, we decided like, yeah, let's just buy the shrimp fried rice for everyone.

Social media strategy. Yes. Get shrimp fried rice for lunch. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And it just went nuts. Another chapter to the story. Yeah. Then Lin-Manuel Miranda's involved. Oh, for sure. Yeah. And it just went nuts. Another chapter to the story. Yeah.

Then Lin-Manuel Miranda's involved. Oh, God. That was crazy. That was so crazy. Robbie Robertson from the band follows me on Twitter. What? That's crazy. Because of the shrimp fried rice story?

I can DM Robbie Robertson. Now he would immediately unfollow me. You were out. You were out. We were discussing how they had bad impressions on him. But I'm not sure which. Are you talking about Da Band? Da Band that's where my mind went

Chopper follows me Dylan follows me Dylan follows me Ness Ness was my favorite Ness and Chopper were my favorite I was hoping they'd do like a duo thing. The band was Bob Dylan's backing band, too, like were then also their own band.

They had- Oh, that's great, too. Pulled in the Nazareth, was a feeling about half-half-day. That's the band? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Take the load off and it's-

So not done singing? More fire. No. Okay. Okay. That's cool. That's good, too, though. I guess he was his generation's Chopper. Yeah. That's done singing? More fire. No. Okay. Okay. That's cool. That's good too though. I guess he was his generation's chopper.

Yeah. That's how I'd say it. Okay. He was Young City of the 1970s. Bob Dylan was P. Diddy. Okay. Exactly. Wow.

You're going to have a real upset white fan base for saying that. Yeah. Listen. And non-white fan base. Listen, upset fans, that's how I think of everything. Who's the P. Diddy? Who's the Biggie? That's how all my thoughts are. Everything can be boiled down to

a bad boy situation. Yeah, it's all Diddy based. Just try not to be the locks. Do everything you can not to be the locks. Okay, so Don Corleone, that's Biggie. Yeah. Okay. Probably. Right? Who would be Diddy? We don't have to worry about that. I mean, Don Right? Yeah. Yeah. Who would be Diddy? Duvall. We don't have to worry about that.

I mean, don't. Right? This is another podcast. Yeah. So, yeah. Who are the craziest people to respond to you during that whole thing? Oh, Jessica Chastain. Yuck.

There's this actress who's on that Showtime show, Shameless, Emmy Rossum. Oh, Emmy Rossum, who did, Oh, Emmy Rossum. Oh, shit. She put up, on her Instagram stories, was just reading. I like how you said there's this actress.

We don't know who she is. She was doing like her read of the story. Wow. Yeah, it was crazy. I was just watching on Instagram, like, holy shit. And it sounds so much better coming else from someone else's,

like an actor's. It's a professional. Right. And the answer's a professional. I'm blowing it, you know. You passed Picasso the pay brush. Oh, yeah. Dwight clark follows me he was the tight end for the san francisco 49ers who caught that game-winning touchdown from joe montana it's just like weird where you're like i don't know what he expects from me wild yeah like you're just getting

touchdown yeah oh i hope so that tweet was your game winning touch oh god well now i've like everyone was talking to me about it i was like well the the real test will be watching those people who don't like whatever i do next just slowly fall and i'm like no wait here's my question does the lady know that's a great question she doesn't know okay here's why yeah she doesn't surprise me. She doesn't use the internet at work. Like she uses it, her work computer, but she doesn't go on websites. I mean, she doesn't know how technology works. No.

Period. Video cameras. Yes, I'm saying. Refrigerators. Yeah. Food. She doesn't know how to have food. Ownership.

The best technology there is. Who doesn't know the concept of ownership? She's a bubble girl. And I don't want to burst the bubble. I like, she's probably late forties. Oh, okay.

Yeah. So she's old enough to be able to not. Yeah. Okay. I mean, that's what it was that, that, that whole story,

there was, it was a lot of info and still not a lot of info. That's why I liked it. Cause I didn't know how old she was. Right. You know, like I didn't know, I just didn't know how old she was. I didn't know. I just didn't know enough,

but it was so intriguing to watch. My favorite part of this whole thing about it going viral was the following day there was another viral tweet that was like, every tweet that goes viral

is fake. And it named your tweet and it named these other tweets. But it went viral, but it was funny because I was just like, I just like that this person went viral saying that other viral tweets are fake. Yeah, but it went viral, but it was funny because I was just like, I just like that this person went viral saying that

other viral tweets are fake. Yeah. Right. What a hater. But it was cool because it came out of that. You know what I mean? Like you had to get his thread to get that tweet. You created the context for which this other one could thrive. Yeah, exactly. You know, call me

the Medici. I will. The Medici. It was fucking crazy. like there were people who like don't know that we're friends like really good friends and roommates who i saw like talking about it and i would like i had to do this one woman was like uh i bet it was like a spurned lover kind of thing and i like i had to dm her i'm like it's just it's not that yeah no that was the crazy thing was all these people with their theories like, well, they clearly had relations and it wasn't bad. And I'm like, if you knew these two people-

Did you say relations instead of sex just now? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Fame has changed you. I have to be careful of what I say, David. It's just always funny how people apply narrative to something that you sometimes leave vague i mean that happens to me all the time on twitter it's just it's weird yeah the blanks people fill in

they carry their own experiences into it in such a way that it's like oh you completely missed the point yeah but that's what's weird is people still like attached to it even though they have no idea what's actually going on right well the like head critic of vanity fair was like this is unfunny it's not true and it's bullshit and i was like damn dude damn like went out of his way jesus and i was like i mean fuck vanity fair i guess i don't know i didn't know i was gonna have to have the beef is on the beef is on yeah yeah i've thrown out all the magazines that i owned of theirs we're worried here our house is full of vanity fairs because i subscribed when subscribed when that was like one of those things you can do. Like, if you hate Donald Trump.

Remember right after Donald Trump got elected and various media outlets had these schemes where it was like, oh, he hates the New York Times. You know how you can get back at Donald Trump? A year subscription to the New York Times. I was like, fucking A, right? Just all drunk. Yeah, I did that with Vanity Fair. Now it comes to the house. Even though we get it at work, it still comes to the house every week or month or whatever the

fuck it is and every week or month it goes on the back of the toilet nobody even opens it dude i get drunk and think that i'm gonna be a newspaper person like twice a month oh yeah like just like i should just get the times then i just know everything yeah like it just automatically makes you smart in my head you could get up with my cell cell at 7am, eat some rice and bratwurst, crack open the newspaper. Listen to Ghostface or whatever she has to say. The only respite that printed media has is toilets.

Basically. Yeah, that's what it's for. And the iPhone changed that. Maybe I'll get Ebony. Anyways, what are we drafting? You sure you get Ebony? Jet? Yeah. Essence? I got Essence as... I didn't get Essence as a kid, but it was in the house. I'veony, Jet. Essence. I got Essence as, I didn't get Essence as a kid, but it was in the house.

I've read a lot of Essence. What is this? Forgive this extremely white question and you don't have to answer it, but like, what's like the editorial difference between like a Jet and an Ebony and an Essence?

Is one more like for men? Is one more for women? Is there a pop culture i think if there was one ebony was probably more for men than essence and jet yeah but jet was like little okay like physically little oh it was like what like it was like one of the small magazine yeah it's also more pop culture right yeah it had like the beauty of the week yeah it was very pop culture yeah and jet would have like like like rich black people who got married in the back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They would just have like their wedding announcements. Was it Jet out of like Chicago or something? I feel like they were- I don't know that. I saw their building, I think, in Chicago. Maybe. Yeah. And Essence was like definitely for women.

Okay. Like, yeah, Essence was- It would always have like, you know, the cast of Girlfriends on the cover. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like together, and have like you know the cast of girlfriends on the cover oh yeah yeah like together then they each got their own month the only jewish magazine is all of it's all the other ones at least ownership wise is there but is there like a jewish like lifestyle no there was for a while there's this magazine called hebe which was for like young jews kind of thing. Can I say it?

Yeah, I mean. I don't know the word. I don't know the rules on that word. It's one of those real light slurs. It's such a light. My favorite slurs. Light slurs. It's just a real diet slur.

I'm watching my figure, please. I only say he. It's the LaCroix of slurs. It's slur zero. Like if someone was like, shut up, Hebe, I'd be like, what? You know what I mean? So it's not fighting, but it is like, come on.

I wouldn't get mad. I'd be like, I'd be more, I think I'd be more upset about the, like you went with Hebe? It's like colored. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or any Italian slur. You're just like, yeah, it's all right.

I'm not too upset about it. Yeah, those are all pretty. Yeah, there's nothing, it doesn't not too upset about it. Yeah, those are all pretty. Yeah, there's nothing. It doesn't get through. This fucking Guido. Whoa. Can you imagine getting mad? I'm like, that sounds cool.

Yeah. It does sound fast. Right? Guido sounds fast. Oh, it sounds like our rapper name. Guido? Oh, yeah. Guido.

Young Guido. Little Guido. Middle-aged Guido. But now it'd be like Young Guido the Guap Stacker. XXOB or something something rap names are getting wild because they're all like people's soundcloud profile names i'm lost man i am too i i used to be up on hip music i can't even figure out what's i can't figure out what's good although i did find block boy jb pretty early do you yeah i'll go on like i'll listen to the

rap caviar on spotify and i'm like i don't even know what's going on between some of these songs that's not it's i don't know who's putting that shit together i don't know it's caviar on spotify is not good it's not right oh thank god people i trust more with because you think that you would think that it would be a good idea like oh look at this it's so shiny i don't like any of the spotify playlists it's yeah it's like pretty bad and then like there would be a good idea. Like, oh, look at this. It's so shiny. I don't like any of the Spotify playlists. Yeah, it's pretty bad. And then there'll be a Drake song in there where I'm like, this is poppy. And I can get into that.

I just go to the weirdest kid I can find. And then I go to related artists. Oh, yeah. And then that's how I do it. Wait, what about that new Drake video? What do you guys think about that? Oh, with all the women in it? Yeah, the Nice for What.

Oh, I haven't seen it. Yeah, it's got like all these. Is Drake claiming that he's not nice? Oh, with all the women in it? Yeah, the Nice for What. Oh, I haven't seen it. Yeah, it's got like all these. Is Drake claiming that he's not nice? Oh, no. Well, first of all, it's a New Orleans bounce song. Like Frida? Like Big Frida, yeah. No city is going to take you.

Drake, just stick with Toronto. He's going everywhere. He does it all the time. Houston didn't take you. The Bay didn't want you. It's okay to be from Toronto. Drake is like, no, it's not, David. Don't't take you. The Bay didn't want you. It's okay to be from Toronto. No, it's not, David.

Don't tell those lies. That's right. It's not okay to be from Toronto. Both y'all. That he from Toronto. That he from Toronto. Perfect. Yes. He is a he from Toronto. He's like a McDonald's where he'll

go regionally and set up like a lobster roll at like a mcdonald's nobody gives a shit dude nobody gives a shit i like the nice for one video yeah i like the song yeah it's a cute little it's him doing it's him being like a uh pop culture feminist is he better Is it better than God's play? The video or the song? I haven't even heard the song yet. The song is basically telling women, like, don't be nice. Like, nice for what? Yeah.

He's going back to his roots of pandering to women. Yeah. He's just trying to get pussy. That was how he came in the game. Yes. I saw people on Twitter being like, oh, now Drake's pandering to women. I'm like, that was Drake's. That's his.

The whole beginning. That was his opener. Yeah. Dude, The whole beginning. That was his opener. Dude, the whole beginning. I was like. Best day ever. Best day ever. He's like, shut up. I remember all these dudes at work used to make fun of me because I like Drake.

And they were like, oh, that light skin dude who raps with Trey Songz. Yeah. And I'd be like, yeah. That's accurate. Yeah, I mean. Yeah, yeah. That light skin dude. They were right.

Yeah, Quincy. Shout out to Quincy. Yeah, Rashid. Yeah, he probably doesn't listen, but my man G. For sure doesn't listen, David. No,'s getting deep. Yeah, Quincy. Shout out to Quincy. Shout out to Rashid. Yeah, he probably doesn't listen, but my man G. For sure doesn't listen, David. No, no, no. They made a lot of fun of me, though. Yeah.

But, I mean, Quincy, if you do want to listen, the Taco Bell episode's a good way in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quincy, if you want to listen. You guys always talk about the Taco Bell episode. We just really want free Taco Bell. Yeah. Oh, okay. I get it.

I just want free something. We're trying to catch on with one of these outlets and it just hasn't happened yet. Can't afford those 69 cent tacos. Not right now. When you buy in the volume that we're trafficking in. That's true. Big boys. The thing is, too, oftentimes a lot of my money is tied up in Taco Bell gift cards.

Yeah. So. That's why. Fiscally, it just makes sense. I'm not liquid right now. Yeah, I'm not liquid. I thought you were doing okay.

I am, but I'm not liquid right now. Yeah, I'm not liquid. I'm doing okay, but I just got a stack of gift cards. It's all tied up in Taco Bell gift cards.

I'm watching the market. I'm going to unload. I'm going to unload. With this Chinese trade war, you know, you've got to be in gift cards right now. Zach, so any dates coming up?

Anywhere anyone can see you? July 19th through the 21st, I'll be opening for Goldman in Comedy Works. Oh, Gary Goldman. Yeah. Nice. Another hebe. Comedy Works, another hebe? Yeah, Gary Goldman, big time hebe.

Big time hebe. Comedy Works South, you should go to Ted's Montana Grill. I will absolutely do that. I love a food recommendation. Yeah, I do too. It's good if you work at the South Club. Also, Papa Doe's is right there. I don't know how you feel about shrimp.

I love shrimp. Go to Papa Doe's. I'm not Sean here, okay? I eat things. That kid won't eat shrimp. That's so weird. He won't? No, he doesn't eat shrimp or vegetables or seafood.

Vegetables, seafood. Yeah. He likes American cheese on top of Hormel chili. What? He will put hot sauce on salad, but he won't eat. Hey, also, no wonder he's so happy. Yeah, right? He's getting real.

Yeah, that does make sense, actually. Yeah. He eats what he wants. Yeah. He's got a grade school palate. Yeah. I'd be happy, too, if I was still eating like that. Bratwurst and rice.

It's around there. Yeah, yeah. That's true, actually. Bratwurst is pretty simple. That's like something you'd eat the first day you were feeling good after a cold. You'd be like, I guess I'll get some protein. I go through a lot of Italian sausage. Yeah.

Who doesn't? Right, ladies? Sausage. Wow, David. They can't see. I don't know why I did that. He did a little neck pull, a little Rodney Dengar

for the little neck pull. I like doing that when I wear chokers. Yikes. I am Ian Carmel on all the platforms. Listen to All Fantasy Everything. Come see me

if you're in Austin, Texas this weekend at the Moontower Comedy Festival. Friday night we're doing a live All Fantasy Everything with Sam Jay and the Sklar Brothers. And then I'm doing a bunch of stand-up comedy and various other shows. So come out and fuck with that.

And then I have nothing else to promote right now. Just get into it. There it is. We are gathered here today in beautiful downtown Los Angeles in the HeadGum Studios. Gorgeous day outside. It's so nice.

So nice. Gorgeous day outside. So we're gonna... The draft is gonna be about seven minutes and then we're gonna get out there and enjoy it. We're gathered here today to draft alternate careers to the ones we have. And since we are all stand-up comedians,

we'll just say alternate careers to stand-up comedians. Just for us. But if you're listening at home, alternate careers to the ones you have right now. And so, yeah, that's what we're doing today. It's a real Saturday morning. It really is. It's a real Saturday morning.

It's like I got fucked up last night, but I didn't get fucked up last night. I didn't even, I just smoked a bunch of weed in my room and watched Tamar and Vince. What's Tamar and Vince? Oh, man. It's a reality show about Tamar Braxton, Toni Braxton's sister. Okay. And, you know, her husband Vince.

What's Vince? He's like, he was like an A&R For a lot of different He signed Lady Gaga when she was like 20 Stuff like that And then they just have shenanigans I just like to watch black people spending money on TV Alright I get that 100% Yeah I just got real high and did that for hours

Um That sounds like a good time Is Tamar a singer too? No Tamar's a singer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she thinks she's a singer. She thinks she's a singer, which is so fun. It's like a Ricky Lucy, put me in a show.

Oh, I love it. Yeah. I love that whole weird undercurrent culture, and it's cross-racial of rich people who think are singers, but then who can go out and buy like good production and then sing these terrible songs over it? And like the whole show is like Vince kind of being like, okay.

All right. And she's like, I'm popping in the streets. And he's like, all right. They have like release parties sponsored by some third tier champagne company. That's all love in hip hop is. Oh my God. I had to find this video of this woman. It's insane. My friend showed it to me.

I'm going to find it and show you guys. I'll find it. In the meantime, while Marcella's looking for that video, to do this draft, we determine the order. We play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Also, what type of draft is it? Oh, that's a great question. It's a serpentine draft.

And what does that mean, Zach? Woo! Okay, what would be like if you were Sean Jordan and you walk into the roost and you buy a shot and a beer? Right. Okay, and you get those down, you set them down, then you take a sip of the beer, then you take a sip of the whiskey, but before going back to the beer, you take another sip of the whiskey.

Oh. And then you go back to the beer. Wow, man. Were you expecting to have to do that? I was expecting to do that. whiskey. Oh. And then you go back to the beer. Well, man. Were you expecting to have to do that? I was expecting to do that. Okay. Okay. All right.

Big boy prepares, you know? That's good. I can appreciate it. It is. Once you go viral, they send you documents about what you have to do now. That's understandable. You're media trained at this point. It's like on the exit row on a plane.

It's like, are you prepared in the event of a Sean Jordan flies up to Portland to spend time with his girlfriend to explain what a serpentine draft is? Right. And can you do it coherently? What a good dude Sean is. He just flew up to Portland to hang out with a girlfriend. Yeah. Because she's babysitting her nephew. Yeah.

Her nephew. Crazy names on him. Follow him on Instagram. There's going to be a lot of his videos. I feel like it was like Sedgwick and like Aspen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got real white people in Portland. Yeah, it was like crazy names when he told me.

I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Sedgwick and Aspen. I think I got a gift basket from them full of soap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sedgwick and Aspen. Only Vermont syrup. Sedgwick and Aspen, that's like a law firm that only does trademark law about like wooden chairs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're also bounty hunters. They're bounty Sedgwick and Aspen, that's like a law firm that only does trademark law about wooden chairs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're also bounty hunters. They're bounty sedgwick and Aspen. For high white collar crimes. The widest collar. Right, yeah, yeah. Just starts with white collar. Those are the guys who will get you. I know about embezzlement and Coco Bolo.

Those are the two things I know. I don't even know that second thing you said. Sedgwick and Aspen are like the two grumpy white guys from the uh from muppet except exclusively in a harvard lampoon version sedgwick and aspen represent king tough in all legal matters oh yeah yeah uh so it's a roll king of rock paper scissors and you throw on shoot so So here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, sorry. It's all right. We do it again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

Okay, rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, shit. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Fuck. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. I knew it. Oh, David knew it. You got to stay in the pocket.

Wow. You got to stay in the pocket. Stuck with rock. You don't change up. Day one. Rock. Rock, rock, rock, rock. Marcel, you have great nails, though.

Oh, thank you. That's something to feel good about. Thanks. Yeah. You can make any man's dick look very small. That's what we were all looking for. That's what we all want. Didn't need the help, sister.

Sorry, I just fucked black guys. My bad. All right. It's all good. It's all y'all want. Didn't need the help, sister. Sorry, I just fuck black guys. My bad. All right, it's all good. It's all good. Please. And we do need the help. It's ungainly, for God's sake. So, David, you won Rock, Paper, Scissors.

Again, people ran the numbers on the percentages, because it seems like you win every time. And you only had one more win than sean jordan although i think in fewer shows but now it's two more wins than sean jordan but i i don't know i don't trust the numbers well also i have the heart of a champion that's what it is so it's just winning looks good on yeah yeah i wear it well he's like sean's not used to it he He's like, I don't know. And I'm like, yeah, in your face, motherfucker. Yeah, Tim Duncan and Kobe. Yeah, exactly, exactly. Sean's denim shorts.

I got a mink on. There it is. Wow. What is the order of the draft in the alternative careers draft? See, this is hard because I think I've been fucking myself picking first all the time. You haven't gone first a lot. It's been fucking me up. So I'm going to say Ian.

Oh shit, fuck. He was not expecting that. It's a kid ago. That reaction is every reaction I ever had when I got caught cussing as a kid oh yeah

that's so true fuck shit oh sorry it's like you weren't supposed to just dig yourself deeper yeah it's like you went in

for the leftovers in the fridge when you were supposed to eat after a certain hour and you were putting it back in and then everything falls out. Yeah, yeah. God, shit, fuck off. The scalloped potatoes and the ham and some milk

and the lemon juice, everything's on the floor. That one struck real home for me. For real. For a night after Thanksgiving, it's like 2 in the morning. Yeah. I gotta go to school tomorrow, but I don't give a shit. I'm making a sandwich now. I gotta get these turkey numbers in.

And you think for a second, maybe I could put it all back together. Yeah. What am I crazy? No. You start eating off the floor. Then your foreign mom is just pissed. We didn't have a fridge growing up for me to steal food out of, David. Wow.

Yeah, like I said, real personal. Anyways. I'm first. I'm going to go Ian, me, Marcelo, Zach. Oh, so you're going second. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to go second. Second seems like a much better.

I always like being at the turns. Good to be at the turn. I'm hating it right now, but I'm going to be glad when it comes back around that's hard for someone alright so with the first pick of the alternative careers all fantasy everything draft Ian Carmel is going to select Weatherman

whoa interesting local television weatherman I feel like it involves very minimal science at this point. Probably just a lot of reading reports and being like, all right, so we're going to go out there and say that. Yeah. You can throw in some fun jokes.

That's true. You can be a fun guy. You're locally famous. Yeah, which is all the famous you want. Just locally famous. Yeah. If I'm like the local weatherman in Oklahoma City or whatever, I show up to a Thunder game, people are excited. Yeah. Yeah, you go to a thunder game people are excited yeah

you go to a steakhouse yeah yeah maybe you make it the big leagues you come to la and then you get like you'd be an la weatherman with that like hard tan and the slick back pat reilly hair have you seen the weatherman dude it's that isn't his name dallas rains or something like that he changed no mark fritz oh mark fritz is one of them wait no have you seen the movie the weatherman oh no no this is best movie you got to see the weatherman oh it's pretty good talk a lot about this oh really throughout the movie he gets like shit thrown at him when he's walking down the street because he gets the predictions wrong so people throw like uh they make flurries at him yeah or like a like a. No shit? Yeah.

Yeah, the best acting I've ever seen Nicolas Cage do is when he gets hit, and then Michael Caine walks up, and he's like, what happened to you, David? And he goes, I got hit with a Frosty. That's the best acting I've ever seen. Tears. Yeah. See, his mistake is not being a fat weatherman.

I would be a fat weatherman. Nobody's pushing it at a fat weatherman. Yeah. Oh, yeah, and I would steal shit from him. I would be a fat weatherman. Nobody's interested in a fat weatherman. Oh yeah. And I would steal shit from him. I'd do the birthdays. I feel like you would dress like seasonal, like for winter,

you'd be Santa. You'd be a leprechaun. A hundred percent. That's a good call. Fully embrace it. I'd be out there, Uncle Sam'd out like in the summer. People would love you.

They'd cut to me. It'd be like July 19th, you know, and they'd cut to me and I'd have a grill set up over in the Weatherman area. Oh, hey, didn't see you there. Oh, man, you would be really good at it.

I spent a lot of time thinking about this. I think in a different... And you don't have to do any bad... You're not a news reporter so you're not like, oh, God, this story's horrible. Right, exactly. It's like, oh, bundle up. It's going to be cold, but that just means the cocoa's going to seem hotter.

Get your little marshmallows ready. And you'd get so much mom pussy, too. Oh, my God. Like, on the low. I'd be drowning. I would have a map in my... A heat index? In my condo, because if you're a weatherman, you have to live in a condo

I feel like yeah 100% condo downtown yeah yeah yeah I'd be like it's all about location big windows there's a low big windows

yeah big windows people across would be like I just see the weatherman fucking all the time for sure that would be I would have two different reputations one in the condo complex

and one in the city at large right yeah weatherman in the streets surprisingly weatherman in the condo complex and one in the city at large yeah weatherman in the streets surprisingly weatherman in the sheets saturday night there's 90 chance of precipitation in this bedroom you don't say it's humid in here he fucks donald duck style every time and you do that now i do that now for sure every profession that's every profession like i haven't been in the gym for a while

there's nothing here anyone's i wear a fun graphic t-shirt it's nice for them it's not like i'm fucking in a bitch better have my money t-shirt it was great i love it by the way when i say fucking donald duck style i mean shirt shoes and then a little hat too. That's different than Winnie the Pooh, which is just the shirt. Little hat. That makes it so much weirder. Little sailor hat, man.

Drinking an orange juice out of a carton. Oh, man. Yeah, weatherman. Yeah. I just think I would thrive in that environment. I could do it. You could do it until you're, it's probably a safer job than the one we have now.

Yeah. Because you're never like too old to be the Weatherman. Right. You're probably locked in once you get it. Yeah. Once you get it. Yeah. Yeah.

No, that's a good call. You could also finagle hosting comedy shows. A hundred percent. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. You definitely have like a few pilots that maybe didn't go. Like years into your career,

you're like, I could have done comedy. Well, I'm going to try to host a show. And then you did it. Yeah, you definitely have a few pilots that maybe didn't go. Like years into your career, you're like, I could have done comedy. Well, I'm going to try to host a show. And then you did it. Yeah, and you have a couple little jokes. I mean, it would work. And you're local, so you're just doing it at the loony bin in Tulsa anyway. Right, exactly. You're speaking too confidently to the headliner, you know, because the whole dynamic's thrown

off because you're not really an opener. Yeah, yeah. You're a weatherman. But you have media experience. Yeah. Man, that's a really great thing. That's a great one. Yeah, yeah. You're a weatherman. But you have media experience. Yeah. Man, that's a really great pick. That's a great one. Yeah, weatherman.

David, it's time for your first pick. So my first pick is because I think I'm still a performer even if I wasn't doing stand-up. Yeah. I think I'm still a pretty funny guy. So I was thinking where I would be good is a professional wrestling manager. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. I think that would be, especially like all these cool new, like the cool young black

wrestlers coming up. Yeah. Like if I could manage like New Day, like all those guys, or like the Velveteen Dream and shit, I think I would be- There's a wrestling guy named the Velveteen Dream? He's so good. I'm already on board. He's like Prince.

What do you call that? Like asexual kind of? Yeah, yeah. And he just wears weird scarves and tight shit. But he's like 6'7". Wow. And just a solid black kid. He's like 20.

Yeah, this dude's getting Googled. Yeah, you got to Google Velveteen Dream. But I think I would be so good at that. And it's like one of those things where you don't have to be an athlete, but you could still have, I think you could have some say in like storylines and how it could be done and i think i'm good at that whoa i think i would be like yeah i think i'd be a great voice for it too yeah yeah i'm always screaming yeah yeah yeah say the wildest shit you can come up with and i have high highs and low lows so also when the guy loses i'd be

so good at like oh yeah that paul bear thing like exactly exactly and then every now and again i could get in the ring and maybe somebody choke slams me to hell yeah or whatever yeah or you or you just grab someone's leg when he needs the yeah yeah yeah exactly like coming and pull his leg out yeah and i would just wear like flamboyant suits oh my god oh right purple you get the megaphone yeah yeah i would just be i'd probably have a chain and i'd just be like completely over the top one time you come out on roller skates yeah yeah in the suit though yeah sometimes i just come out in like a four-wheeler yeah yeah because who knows but like with rims on i so many things because you thought because like your wrestler thought

like you couldn't make it you were out of town yeah right you were like you got caught there was a snowstorm so you couldn't make it to You were out of town. Yeah. Right? You were like, you got caught. There was a snowstorm, so you couldn't make it to Indianapolis. Exactly. Halfway through the match, the other guys knocked out the ref, you know? So he's cheating, and then you come fucking in on a four-wheeler. With a snowplow. With a snowplow on it. Like, I just came in with one of those Fargo hats.

Yeah. Like, I just drove from Cal. Yeah. Yeah. There's so much shit. Scarf flying behind you? There's so much shit I could do. You going to save Momo Higgins in the ring?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. At one point, I would wear, like, a suit that was just the Sierra Leone flag could do. You going to save Momo Higgins in the ring? Yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah. At one point, I would wear a suit that was just the Sierra Leone flag. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Why don't you have that anyway? I don't know. That's true. I gotta make some moves. That's a great point. I gotta make some moves. You also strike me as, you remember how Bobby the Brain Heenan

used to flip his opinions immediately when he was commentating? Yeah. He'd be like, why is he doing that? Why is he doing that? I knew he had to do that. Good for him. I feel like you would do that. That used to be, why is he doing that? Why is he doing that? I knew he had to do that. Good for him.

I feel like you would do that. That used to be my favorite thing he did. Oh, man. It would be great. The confidence and short memory of an NFL defensive back. I really think. That would be amazing for you. I think it would be good.

I love your stand-up comedy, but I'm kind of bummed you didn't go that route. Man, me too. I feel like we would have found each other anyway. This was like the first one I was thinking of, like the first one I thought of last night. And yeah, there was like, you know, there was 10, 15 minutes where I was like not paying attention to Tamar and Vince. Sure. Where I was just like. Lost in the dream. Yeah, I was there.

Lost in the dream. The Velveteen Dream is amazing. Oh yeah, you see him? He looks like all three of the Migos became one person. He's so big. And he's like a kid. He's like really young. Yeah.

But like, yeah, it would be like being like Prince's manager. God. There's so many cool ways you could play it. I would smoke a weed called The Velveteen Dream. Yeah. I would get a Jamba Juice called The Velveteen Dream. I might buy a t-shirt this weekend. I don't drink, but I'd go to a club named The Velveteen Dream.

Oh, I'd buy the drink called The Velveteen Dream and add it. In The Velveteen Dream? Wearing a cologne called The Velveteen Dream. I would fuck The Velveteen Dream. Yeah. No matter what it was. That's kind of a thing, is I think everybody's supposed to want to fuck him. Yeah.

Well, that's Prince's thing. Yeah. So that parallel is there. Everybody wanted to fuck Prince. Everybody wanted to. That Jamie Foxx bit is one of my favorite bits. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's classic. It's so good. Jamie Foxx is so funny, man. He's so talented. He is so talented. Yeah. My second pick is Jamie Foxx. I would be Jamie Foxx bit is one of my favorite bits. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's so good. Jamie Foxx is so funny, man. He's so talented. He is so talented. My second pick is Jamie Foxx. I would pick Jamie Foxx. I hear Jamie Foxx is one of those fuck everybody kind of guys, too.

I've heard that, too. Yeah. I got a great story, but I'll tell it off air. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how good it is. That's how juicy it is. So let's cut away for a second. Yeah.

All right, we're back. It wasn't that good of a story. Don't worry about it, OV fans. David embarrassed himself. It was terrible. It had no ending. Jamie Foxx did a sketch with us on the Late Late Show and then just sent in like a big box of sunglasses

for, I think just for James, but James was passing them out to everybody. Just like real considerate, you know? He seems like the best guy. It was like in Goodfellas when something fell off the back of a truck and then all of a sudden everyone's wearing the same sunglasses.

Well, that's actually what happened is the thing. Jamie Foxx acquired some sunglasses and had to cool them in the late, late show offices for a while. Professional wrestling manager. Yep. Fantastic. I might buy you just a fucking feather boa just in case.

Just in case it comes up. I'm ready. Just like a bright sweat bands. Yeah. How hard would it be to get in on like low level? Oh, yeah. It wouldn't be hard. I don't know.

Just as a manager? Probably not that hard. PWG out in Pasadena. I'm going to make some moves. Yeah. I mean, those guys are older. It's not like they're young guys that are managers. Yeah, that's the thing, too.

I could be a new young manager. David, if Khan doesn't work out, you can do it. I'm not sure it's going to. I have no dates. Yeah. Yeah. I told you guys that. I know.

On a segue, wearing a flag is a cape. I can see it now. Marcella, it is time for your first pick. I was really nervous. Yeah. Especially when David opened his mouth. Okay, thanks. see it now marcella it is time for your first pick i was really nervous yeah um especially when david opened his mouth um okay because my first pick is a professional wrestler professional that would work and i because you're such a bitch i am such a bitch i make a great villain i love

being a villain i love being a villain oh man i also feel like it's something i could have gotten into if like if because you know i was i'm too young for glow like i've never watched glow but i was telling um david recently because we watched um wrestlemania on sunday and i was super into it as a kid i thought it was real i was obsessed like we were little we were obsessed with that shit and like the only representation I saw with female representation on WWF was like Miss Elizabeth

hitting Hulk Hogan to save you know Macho Man you know like when his back was turned right you know what I mean like I

that was and I remember being like hell yeah this is fucking crazy a woman saved him fuck yeah we can do it but like

you know there was never for me i never got to see professional female wrestlers and then when china came on the scene that was i actually remember looking at her like that's what i look like like if i fucking pump steroids which i probably wouldn't have been opposed to if i really got into it damn you were you were already like with the i was like man i could i could have done that shit because i'm good at being mean i like being mean i don't care if people boo me.

It's fucking great. Yeah, you were just on it. And I could just see you like, I could see you just like walking in like just like. Oh, it's being ridiculous. You're just loving it. Clapping people's hands out of the way. Fuck you. Fucking touch me.

Yeah, little kids are like. I push a kid's face. You just push the face. You take the soda and pour it on their head. Oh my God. Just say there's like an audience plan holding out a baby that you just push away. You just push the face. You take the soda and pour it on their head. Oh my God. Just say there's like an audience plan holding out a baby that you just push away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Basically, you want to be a professional bully.

A heel. Yeah. Beautiful. Oh God, you would be. That's a good pick. Oh man. And actually, this is, before I even agreed to do this episode, I mean, that was the reason I agreed to do it because I was like, this is something I've been thinking about.

Like, damn, I would have pursued it if I would have seen some. Because even stand-up, I didn't pursue it until I was 21 because someone suggested it because I never, like, thought it was viable for me. I thought the same thing, which is crazy because I'm, like, a Jewish dude, which is, like, you know, what most of the stand-up comedians were. But, like, when I was younger, I loved stand-up. I loved making people laugh. But I was like, that's not a job. You know, that's not, like, a loved stand-up. Yeah. I loved making people laugh, but I was like, that's not a job. Right, right. You know, that's not like a thing you can do.

Right. My brother took me to a show at like Harvey's Comedy Club in Portland, like way back. And I remember talking to like one of the MCs or whatever. I was like, how? Just how do you, how, what's the first night of this like? You know? And he was like, oh, there's these open mics, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, it still took me like several years after that.

Man, you guys are crazy. I never even thought about this shit. Stand up. Oh, yeah. No, that held me back for years because I just didn't know like, oh, well, someone sees you doing something and they're like, you're a comic now. Come with me. I didn't even think that far.

I was like, I got a good job at the car wash right now. Like, I'm going to fuck around. Well, how did you eventually start doing it? Oh, I got a DUI. Yeah. You know that classic comment. I got a DUI and I moved to California. And my best friend, Sam Talent, was like, hey, since you're there, you should just do stand up.

Because he had been telling me to do it for years. And I thought he was like hey since you're there you should just do stand-up because he had been telling me to do it for years yeah i thought he was like a loser for doing it because i'd go see him to support but i go to open mics and i'd be like this is how you're spending your time right you're an idiot yeah yeah like and then when i moved to california i didn't like know that many people and he was like you know too if you bomb you won't know anybody so you can just go home and i was like you're right I am a coward and then yeah then I did it and then I didn't bomb

I still wouldn't be here if I bombed the first time I don't think I would've kept doing it I'd have been like same for sure we're so blessed

that first time when you just have so much adrenaline that you're like oh yeah it's like a survival mechanism to be charming that was the only set

that I've ever done slightly buzz because I had I was like well I don't really drink but I'm gonna have two beers just to survival mechanism to be charming that was the only set that i've ever done slightly buzz because i had i was like well i don't really drink but i'm gonna have two beers just to just you drink whoa yeah the first set yeah i was so i thought it was like i don't know if i'm gonna black out how did you get into it uh i had so when i moved to portland i had a buddy back in cincinnati that we always talked about yeah and then he just started going and then i was like well fuck i want to i don't want to be left behind so i just i think i went to helium like and saw you sean and shane yeah like i went three times

and i was like okay a lot of these people are better than me a lot of these people are probably not as funny as me i feel like i can work my way in there and i just started going yeah let's tell her what was yours it uh wait what was it how did you start doing stand-up or like what was it that made you think oh okay um i went to see jim gaffigan at the san francisco punchline and we were shooting the shit after and he said you should do stand-up really whoa just because you were like popping jokes off and stuff and making wow and he knows he's the reason we've talked about it like he knows he's the reason i do stand up it was it was crazy because it was the only it was the first time anyone ever said i remember in Yeah. Shout out Jim Gantz again. And he knows he's the reason. We've talked about it. That's fucking cool. He knows he's the reason I do stand-up.

It was crazy because it was the first time anyone ever said it. I remember in high school hearing my brother's friends, people tell them, like, you guys should, oh, you should do stand-up comedy. And I remember hearing it and being like, yeah, they should do stand-up comedy. But I was just as funny as they were. And they influenced me, too. Right. Yeah.

So I was funnier than everybody in my age group, you know? Because you caught on. Yeah, because you were used to making your older brother's kind of stuff. Yeah in my age group, you know? Because you caught up. Yeah, because you were used to making your older brothers. Oh, yeah. Friends, you know? And yeah, so that's what it was. It was Jim Gaffigan. He's the reason I do stand-up.

But I think about how going back to wrestling, and even as a stand-up, it took me a long time to fully embrace being mean and evil because you know what made me change my mind? J-Zone's book, Root for the Villain. Do you know J made me change my mind jay zone's book root for the villain do you know jay zone i do the rapper yeah he he has this book called root for the villain and it once i read that i was like oh yeah i'm the villain that's okay that's crazy and i and it made me realize too that women don't don't get to have that like yeah we watch

reality tv and people see like quote-unquote female villains but it's like such bullshit like it seems so stupid to watch these women just be bitches to each other yeah but like true villains you know like right right women don't have that enough where it's like no you should be like the like the ursula and the maleficent like there's nothing wrong with trying to be that bitch as opposed to trying to be ariel or the fuck else, Cinderella. Ursula was way cooler than Ariel. Yeah. Way fucking cooler. Way cooler. She was like swaggy.

Yeah. Yeah. But you don't, like women don't look at that and go, that's someone to admire. She's a powerful woman, you know? And that's why I liked Chyna when I was, you know, whatever it was.

Right, because she was like a powerful villain type. She was a powerful villain. Yeah. She was fucking cool. And they didn't let her. She was beating up dudes and shit. Chyna would have, at any type. She was a powerful villain. Yeah. And she was fucking cool. Yeah. And they didn't let her. She was beating up dudes and shit. Chyna would have, at any age, would have kicked my ass. Yeah.

There was never a scenario where I could have gotten into a fight with Chyna and won. Yeah. It's like, yeah. Terrifying, too. There was a lot of that time where you're like, I think she would beat up Triple H. Yeah. I feel like Triple H. You know what I mean?

Rest in peace. Rest in peace, Chyna. Yeah, rest in peace, Chyna. Yeah, so professional wrestlers do you know do you do you know do you have like a gimmick you would have gone with no you know what i haven't thought about that yeah to be honest but i'm sure you could find something i often think about what outfit i would wear and then that's about as far as it goes yeah i don't like the women's outfits that they have now the wwe girls yeah Yeah. They're like glittery and pretty

and I'm like, do something else. They should be, well, I think that's probably Ronda Rousey's not gonna be like that. That's why I was really appreciating her on Sunday because she had a cute little,

the kilt thing that she took off. The Roddy Roddy Piper thing. But it's a Roddy Roddy Piper look, you know? Is she charismatic? She, or is she finding like a way to do it? They're using her great.

Oh, good. They're figuring it out. She was dope at WrestleMania. Dude, she slammed Triple H. Did she really? She put him on, yeah. It was so... You gotta YouTube just the clips of it.

Yeah. It was cool. The women's matches were... A lot of them were better than the men's matches on WrestleMania. They're doing cool shit right now. I'm not a mixed martial arts guy or anything like that, but i felt so bad for her after she got beat and like because i because i would listen to these interviews and read this stuff and it was like her whole life up until that point was just like being you know being the shit at like ultimate fighting and all this shit and

then she lost and then lost and then lost that like uh veneer of being invulnerable or whatever and she was was so depressed. I was like, fuck. She got beat bad. The way she got beat was rough too. I remember when she looked like, oh, surprised in the middle of the fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did she get her jaw broken

in that fight? Yeah, I think she did. That had to be another thing. Because when your jaw's broken, you can't... You've got to just kind of rest. For her, I'm sure that was just like- Unless you're Kanye West or DMX. Yeah. Wait, did DMX do that too?

There's a story that like, they came, these guys from Def Jam came to watch him battle. Yeah. And he had his jaw, he had had his jaw wired shut for like, you know, some kind of DMX activities. Yeah. That probably happens to him. He got into a fight with a pit bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People tried to rob a pit bull. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People tried to rob him real aggressively. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He robbed a hardware store with his face. Yeah. Yeah, they came to watch him freestyle, and he started freestyling, like, spitting through the wire like Kanye did. Yeah.

And then just as it started going, they heard it pop. Oh! He was just, like, he just was, like, rapping. Oh! Yeah, and he just rapped. He busted the shit open. Damn! No, DMX is the hardest.

There was, like, Phil Schallberger did stand-up comedy with his jaw wired shut. Yeah, yeah, different. That was crazy. Different than DMX. Different. That was crazy. Different than DMX. Different. He was bicycling down a street. Unicycling. Yeah, it's more like unicycling, right?

Professional wrestler. That's excellent. Would you let David represent you as a manager? I don't know. I'm so loud. I know. I'm going to represent everybody. I'm going to have a squad. I'm going to be like the Diddy? I don't know. I'm so loud. I'm going to represent everybody. I'm going to have a squad. I'm going to be like the Diddy.

I don't believe that. I think about it like Diddy. I don't believe you. Well, fine, Marcella. You're a curator of wrestlers. Great day, guys. I'm having a fucking blast. I know. We have two sets of roommates. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that is weird. Oh, wow. Dynamics are very different.

They are. Fuck you, Zach. Alright, I is weak. Oh, wow. Dynamics are very different. They are. Fuck you, Zach. All right, I'll clean up. I'm sorry. That's right. Speaking of which, David, you got to clean the bathroom. Today? I should probably clean the bathroom, too.

Podcast's over. Find out if the bathrooms got cleaned after this short break. And we're back. We just had to use the restroom and turn on the air conditioner and various other hustles and nefarious misdeeds. We're back, though, just in time, holy cow, for Zach Toscani's first pick in the alternate career draft. Okay. First pick, pro tennis player.

Oh. That makes sense because you love tennis. Yeah, I love tennis. And this is within, okay, not to brag, but I feel like if I would have started in high school, really gave it a shot, I could be a pro. Yeah. Are you trying to be like traveling pro or like your local tennis pro? No, no, no. Traveling pro.

Like giving lessons and shit. Like professional playing on the tour. No, no, no. Traveling pro. Like giving lessons and shit. Like professional playing on the tour. Okay, like in it. Yeah, yeah. Most people I would veto this. But with you, I think this is actually one that- I don't think it's that crazy. I can see maybe happening.

The serve's already there, baby. Is the serve there? Ask Shane Torres' chest if the serve is there. I'm not going to ask Shane Torres' chest anything. I don't know Zach well enough to really comment on this, but he looks like a douchebag, so yes, he could be a tennis player. Male tennis players all look like douchebags. Yeah, yeah.

They don't look cool. No, I fully agree. Everybody look at him. Take it in. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me.

Look at me. look at me look at me look at me they have a look and whether you found it or it found you we found each other you would get longer hair I think I played tennis I think my senior year in high school

yeah you would be a good tennis player but like the thing is I did like a lot of sports I did volleyball basketball and tennis but like for a week. It's like mostly to get in the picture. Yeah. Right.

Those pictures are important. And the tennis, I definitely didn't enjoy because I was like, I got to be outside? This sucks. Yeah. That's like the one thing. It sucks. But I got a really good picture though. And the one match that I had, because I really only had one match because I wasn't good and

I wasn't trying to be good. I let the other girl win. She was like, I think that was a point. I was like one match because I wasn't good and I wasn't trying to be good I let the other girl win she was like I think that was a point I was like yeah I don't care go ahead oh I get it I just like it like over team sports like the fact that it is individual is nice because you're like you set your own schedule essentially do you get sad for your own mess

it's just you yeah I mean you can have a coach I mean depending how much success or whatever but you can have a coach I mean depending how much success or whatever but you could have a coach you could have like a physical trainer or whatever but like what? do you like that about

cause like I wrestled for like 6-7 years and I hated that about wrestling when you would lose like you'd go to tournaments and there would be like kids even in high school there'd be like, crying and shit like that. Damn. Because when you lost, you lost. Oh, yeah.

It was, like, everything. You didn't work that hard and that kid is just, like, could just, like, hurt you. Right. He's, like, stronger than you. The wrestlers were the craziest athletes at my high school. Yeah. Because they, like, I mean, the weight cutting shit they would do. I quit.

Sleeping in trash bags and stuff. Oh, sleeping in trash. One of my best friends, this guy Nate Stoller, was a wrestler. And one time, some of our other friends just found him passed out in one of the suburbs on the sidewalk because he was trying to cut weight. And he was wearing trash bags and running around.

Oh, God. Do you know when our high school kids would chew tobacco? Yeah. Oh, my God. Because of the spit on the morning of tournaments. Oh, yeah. They'd just be in that chewing tobacco. Oh, cut your water weight?

Yeah. Man. Yeah, it was like so. And it yeah. Oh, cut your water weight. Yeah. Man. Yeah, it was, like, so. And it's over Christmas and Thanksgiving. I know. Right. So, like, I remember in ninth grade I wrestled, and our team was really good. But, like, over Christmas, we had, like, over Christmas break, we had practice.

And we would go, and kids were running and puking. And I was like, this sucks. Right. This is not what we should be doing. And it's wrestling. What's the end game? Yeah. What's the best that's going to happen to you?

I wrestled for three weeks because my defensive line coach was like, you should really get into wrestling. For your balance. I was like, all right. And I mean, I weighed 320 pounds, you know. So you were just cutting weight to wrestle? The highest weight. Yeah.

I couldn't even wrestle in matches, but they were just like having me do it. And the other super heavyweight was this guy whose hygiene was so bad. He just smelled... I don't mean to... He smelled like gross genitals all the time. Oh, man.

Terrible BO and gross genitals. I had to wrestle with this dude and just every... So I'm like only breathing out of my mouth the whole time and it was just so fucking gross so like it got it fucked me up in this weird way where like i only liked the running part of practice because it was like when it was time to actually wrestle i was like no and i had to i had to quit i just like had to tell the coach uh and he was like why are you quitting i'm like i just i'm not because i didn't want to be mean and be like this dude john stinks you're gonna find no one like someone

fucked an armpit you know like with their gross dick as you like that's what i decided i just don't have it in me i just didn't some time off it was terrible i bet he was like yeah it's not for everybody oh Oh, yeah. Wrestling sucked. I did wrestling condition for, or like the conditioning for one year. I didn't want to, when it got to like,

okay, now we're going to actually train for a meet. I was like, oh, I don't want to wrestle. I just wanted to do this to see how crazy it was. It's so hard. I remember in high school, we used to have to run up, we used to have to run stairs with sandbags in our arms. Yeah.

Like, everybody would make their own sandbags. It was just like, nah, nah. What was the gnarliest? The craziest shit we had to do for football was hold out the bench press bar and, like, do pass block drills holding out the bench press bar, like, holding it out like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. We did that.

That was the gnarliest shit. That sucked. Yeah. Like, your arms are just 90 degrees. They're just jello. Yeah. They're, like, shaking, and you're, like, the best shape of your life, and you yeah, yeah. That was the gnarliest shit. That sucked. Yeah. Like your arms are just 90 degrees. They're just jello. They're like shaking and you're like, yeah, the best shape of your life and you feel like shit. We used to have to do man builders. What are those?

So like you would, how was it? It was like you would sprint to the five and do 10 pushups and sprint back. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then sprint to the 10 and do nine or something like that. All the way down and back. Pushup suicides basically. Yeah, it was the worst. Yeah, we had reindeers run five yards, do an up- It was all the way down and push up suicides. Basically the worst. Yeah.

We had reindeers run five yards, do an up, down, run five yards, do an up, down. And it was like in Oregon. So it was like soaking wet the whole time.

You know, now as an adult, you know, I walk, I walk in the morning sometimes. It's the same kind of lifestyle. Sometimes you crab walk everywhere, David.

So is the, is the serve there? Do you think like what would happen if, how. So is the serve there? Do you think like, what would happen if, how many professional tennis players are there? Oh, thousands. Thousands. Thousands. Because it's like golf, right? Where you can just be like a local tennis player.

The top hundred make really good money and everyone else is kind of breaking even. If you played the 2000th best tennis player right now, could you hang in there? No, I would get worked now get worked yeah i mean this is saying like if i had years to like train it was the only thing i did yeah yeah i could be there i think yeah because you don't need school you're a tennis player yeah yeah i learned everything i want on the court when did you start playing tennis uh during college i went late yeah yeah but um yeah the serve at at my best it was in the 120s jesus yeah whoa it can get there you hit shane in the chest with a one he so he was like i don't believe you uh i want to go see old statement

shane zach is consistently doubted for his athletic endeavors and proves us wrong every time. But he was like, okay, I want to return some. And then he just stood on the service box, which is like way inside of the court where you're like, don't you want to get back to the line? And he was like, no, I'm fine here. Yeah. And I was like, okay. And it just hit the court and then bounced right up on his chest. And 20 minutes later, it was just this giant raspberry.

And it didn't even hurt him. Afterwards, he was just like, oh my God. And he was dating Deirdre, this girl at the time. And yeah, I think she was real freaked out. She was like, you have to go to the doctor. It's a hematoma. Your heart exploded. Shane's like not, I mean, for everything he is, the man is not an athlete anyway, but he thought he could return to serve in tennis, which I feel like is the hardest sport to just jump into.

Yes, absolutely. A lot of angles. That's like the curse of it, is liking tennis, is that people who are like, oh, I want to play tennis, but they just don't. You're like, it's cooperative in this way. Like like i can only be as good as you're right good yeah because we're kind of hitting back it's like ping pong it's like that berbiglia joke right like the tennis like it's like playing with i'm gonna butcher the joke anyway google berbiglia the two whitest things you could i remember we yeah right like there was somebody who was on the high school tennis team and like we went just to go who was like in our friend group

and i was like let's see and had him hit tennis balls at us and i was like couldn't return even one of them oh yeah not even like and the battle's kind of fun like when you're talking like it would it sucks to lose but i don't i guess i don't think in those at least but i've never been in that situation either. But I like being out there and being like, oh, this could be three hours. Would you grunt? Do you grunt? No, I don't.

I'm silent. Really? Yeah. You gotta grunt. Deadly threat. I don't know. It freaks me out. Yeah, I don't like it.

You just say your ex's name every time you hit the ball. Rebecca! My dad, when he used to sneeze, he would say my mom's name. Really? It was so funny. Alicia! That's a good move. Before he even met her, though.

Yeah, it was weird. It was just how they met. I might have to steal your dad's sneeze move. It's so funny. Yeah, I love that. It's really funny, because she would be on one side of the house, and he'd be on the other side, and we'd's knees move. It's so funny. Yeah, I love that. It's really funny because she would be on one side of the house and he'd be on the other side. We'd all hear it. That's hilarious.

That's a great joke. Like a great joke for years. That's a great like dad house joke. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Fuck yeah. All right, Zach, professional tennis player.

Yeah. And ooh, let's say it's Wimbledon. Sure. What outfit are you? I know you all have to wear all white. It's all white. Is there going to be a little touch of color in this? Oh, yeah. Well, I think purple and green. That's kind of traditional's Wimbledon. Sure. What outfit are you? I know you all have to wear all white, but is there going to be a little touch of color in this? Oh, yeah.

Well, I think purple and green, that's kind of traditional to Wimbledon, so that would be in there. Maybe gold if I had won it the year before. Oh, yeah. A little bit of gold. Okay. Yeah. Maybe a couple chains. Thin.

Wow. That's what I'm talking about. Thin. Tennis ropes. Yeah, yeah. Like an ITAL chain. There was a dude, I can't remember what his name was, Sharko Niemann. He was this Finnish player.

And he had like 15 gold chains on when he was playing. And I was like, wow, he makes that look cool. Yeah. If your name is Sharko, you can get away with a lot. Gold chains are cool. I don't know where mine is. Someone took your chain? Miami chain.

They're only cool if there's more than one. It is. Well, I had two, and now I have none. They're probably just under the bed, right? Sean's out there with his girlfriend wearing two chains. Sean's out there wearing my fucking Emmy chain. Wow. Motherfucker. Zach, what's your second pick? Second pick.

Alright. David might get mad at me for this pick. Okay. I would be a park ranger overlooking, like where they live in those giant perches to watch for wildfires. Okay. I would be a park ranger overlooking, like where they live in those giant perches to watch for wildfires. Oh, I remember that.

That makes sense. But we talked about this like a couple weeks ago of how dope that job would be. So I was like, this might be on his list. I forgot about that conversation. So you're just up there

in isolation in one of those towers. Yeah. It's beautiful. Yeah. You got a mini fridge. You got a hot plate, little kitchen. Just Stop there thinking your weird

thoughts. Firewatch. I bet that would be cool actually. Like for a summer. I would love to do that for like a month. Every four years. You sign up like six months on, six months off or something. Would you be like a Ron Swanson type? I'm not actually. But just like the idea of like

I don't have to go. Because you're up in that perch. You're separated from actually living in the woods woods. Yeah. So you can kind of go in and out at your own speed. The wolf threat is relatively low. Yeah, exactly. You can watch from afar.

You've got binoculars. You've got crazy binoculars and you can like, I'm sure there's like a hand radio. This fits into your isolation fetish yeah yes perfectly yeah i just want to make my money and leave yeah yeah i get it i get it you block because there's a door a trap door on the floor that's how you get in and i think oh yeah i picture you putting like a a chair over that or like pushing a couch over it. Nobody can get in. You can't get out. Yeah.

It's just you. And you're just up there being weird. You are getting paid just to exist somewhere, which is nice. Right. You could go up and finish all the projects that you think you could finish. Yeah. But there you're just like, well, I have nothing else to do. Probably just end up jacking off 15 times in one day.

So much jacking off. Just on one tree and being like, well study what happens yeah are you if you were to go do this job would you leave the uh fire watch cabin or would you stay in it the entire time no i would i would leave i was thinking like oh you could plant like fruit or something down there like kind of cultivate a little area down there okay so let me ask you this what happens that day you leave to go wander the woods for a little bit and you come back and you're like i'm almost 100 sure i turned that lamp off oh fuck i'm almost shit like that would ruin i remember turning that lamp i didn't even think about that shit like that would fuck me up yeah i'm ocd to a level where I'm like,

Oh, I could start worrying about that. Yeah. Well, you come back. It's like, did somebody turn that lamp on? That's what I would be worried about is the presence of somebody.

Like, I feel like even in complete isolation, I would be scared. Somebody's like watching me. Oh yeah. And that's in, in that scenario, like anytime you come across a person, you're instantly suspicious. Like, Oh, what are you out here? What are you doing up here yeah and that's in in that scenario like anytime you come across a

person you're instantly suspicious like why are you out here what are you doing up here and that's maybe it's the fire starter well maybe that's who came in right twisted fire i'm the fire watcher well i would assume call somebody right yeah you call yeah you probably have like some direct line to the whoever handled that what about that one afternoon where probably about 300 yards out you could have swore you saw that binocular flash for a second. What was that? Yeah, that's the shit.

And then two days later, the lamp is on? What the fuck is going on, dude? I would hole up and just hold knives in both of my hands and get up against a corner and just wildly stab. Just stabbing. Stab the dark.

Yeah, exactly. I get it. That's my plan. Just stabbing. Stab the dark. Yeah, exactly. I get it. That's my plan. Okay, I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a pretty simple one. Wildfire park ranger I'm going to put. Up in a perch.

Yeah, up in a perch. The perch is important. If I was just in a cabin, I can't do it. That would be very scary. Yeah. Then lamps are on all the time. Bears can come in. Yeah.

Murderers. Murderers. Do you like camping? I do. Okay. Okay. That's our answer. All right.

Sounds good. Marcella, it's your pick. Marcella, I'll tell you your second pick. My second pick is more of a conceptual alternative. Okay. Because, so if somebody picked maybe one of these because it's like

a sentence pick, it's a, quote, doctor or lawyer by way of the pressure of my parents. Oh.

You know what I'm talking about? You guys know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially with immigrant parents, but I think all parents do this. It looks cool. Immigrant parents are like,

go back to school. You can be a doctor or a lawyer. Especially if you're the smartest kid in the family. They look school. But immigrant parents are like, go back to school. You can be a doctor or a lawyer. Especially if you're the smartest kid in the family. They're constantly trying to be like, you can be a doctor or a lawyer. You can be a doctor or a lawyer. You can be a doctor or a lawyer. And I feel like if I didn't have aspirations that were, if I wasn't artistic or creative, I definitely could have been a, quote, doctor or lawyer.

Yeah. But like I, you know, because I'm argumentative and I like, yeah, I'm naturally, I care, you know, I know how to nurture. Yeah, you could be, attorney makes sense. Attorney does make sense, but doctor, I'm good at, I'm good at being nurturing. Yeah. Like that definitely comes second nature to me, but. So I'm putting a good job that you took because you succumbed to your parents' pressure. Yes.

The pressure. Which is normal for a first generation and like immigrant children and and i always i always think because i'm the youngest of the four of my family i feel like that's why i'm like a little further i feel like i'm third generation or second generation right or like yeah one and a half yeah because i don't sometimes i i feel like i assimilated so so much that i people don't think i that people don't think English is my second language. They don't think I'm first generation. They don't realize how close it is. But it's because it's like I'm a creative.

I don't succumb to the pressures of my parents. You were destined for this life. I was. I made this life. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Destined. Yeah, yeah.

If I needed an attorney and you walked in, I'm like, I'm either getting off scot-free or I'm going to death row. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If I needed an attorney and you walked in, I'm like, I'm either getting off scot-free or I'm going to death row. Yeah, it depends on if she believes me. Or if she's in a good mood that day. If she doesn't like me. That shit is so real, though. My dad is a child of first-generation immigrants. He's an attorney.

And I took improv classes. Right. That's how it goes. Yeah, that's how it goes. That's like a natural progression. Yes. But I managed to be like, fuck that. You jumped right to the not improv classes, but the improv classes. Exactly.

Yeah. I believed my actual, like that's what's funny about immigrant parents is they try to be like, follow your dreams, but they don't actually want you to follow their dreams. No, not at all. They don't want you to. Not at all.

So when you do, they like freak out. Yeah. Their dreams are like. Stability. Stability. Money. Money at all. So when you do, they like freak out. Yeah. Their dreams are like. Stability. Stability. Money. Money and stability. Dough, yeah.

Yeah. I was not the smartest kid, which is weird because I was an only child, but I understand what you mean. Yeah. My mom would have loved for me to have been able to be a lawyer. Right. Like that should have been what the option was. Yeah.

I mean, it wasn't until maybe like i've been standing for 12 years it wasn't until the last two years my mom finally stopped mentioning school yeah i started like stacking up credits and then she finally was like all right she's gonna be fine oh my mom will still my mom will still make it sound like you could do something else yeah i mean like my mom's taking my classes yeah and my is like, what have you ever seen me do? What have you ever seen me do that's good that wasn't trouble? I'm only good at getting in trouble. This is what my dude thinks.

That's so funny. My mom supported me the whole way. Part of that is because she's a very loving, supporting, nurturing person, but also not like the child of immigrants. Child of dirt poor people but my dad until I got Chelsea lately was like

mentioning like hey you could be an insurance agent you know like that kind of thing oh man I hate that life for you oh it would be

such a depressing life you'd be beat down you'd be so sad I would hate it oh I'd be fatter drunker I'd be fatter and drunker

when I was 25 I was already assistant manager at a bank, and my parents were already like, you can be a branch manager. You can own a bank. It just turned into this crazy idea for them so that when I finally quit because I was like, I got to pursue my comedy, I remember sweating making that phone call to tell my parents I was going to quit working at the bank as a manager and i'll never forget that call because i was like whoever picks up i'm gonna tell

them and it was my dad and my dad has been not supportive never thought i was funny did not get it but he was an artist himself like he used to sing and tour and travel and shit yeah so i was like he started to yell at me and then finally he pulled back and he was just like you know what fuck it follow your dreams because i didn't get to i don't know maybe you'll be happy by my age So he started to yell at me. And then finally he pulled back and he was just like, you know what? Fuck it. Follow your dreams because I didn't get to. I don't know. Maybe you'll be happy by my age. And he just goes on this crazy rant.

And I was like, okay, thank you. But it's still like a positive more than a no. It was crazy because he revealed a lot about himself that he hadn't revealed before. That's interesting. That's amazing. Yeah, it was crazy. It's also like, yeah, that's as good as, what else could you ask for them?

You know what I mean? Dude, I was still surprised he said that. Fuck it. My parents are supportive, but they still manage to get like, where they're like, well, yeah, I mean,

keep doing it, you know? It's like, at least you don't have kids out there and you're like, thanks. Yeah. It's like, that's a negative, you respond as a positive.

Well, at least no one fucking cares about you, so you can just keep doing it. I'm so sorry, but you can't explain it to your parents. Like, my parents don't know. There's no way for them to tell that I've been leveling up. Right, right. In the beginning, I'd be like, Mom, I got into Bridgetown Comedy Festival. And she's like, you don't.

What does that pay? Oh, all the time, man. You still don't have health insurance. Yeah. Why am I supposed to be excited about this? It's such a rude question, but one my dad would ask first every time. Like, are you getting paid for that?

How much are you getting paid for that? Are you making good money off that? Every time. Yeah, there's no way of spinning it without it seem like you're getting it, where you're like, no, but it's just so other people see me and then other future opportunities, and they're like, oh, okay. Sounds like you're getting played where you're like no but it's just so other people see me and then other future opportunities and they're like oh okay sounds like you're

getting played like years in though now i think about i do shouldn't i think about it i'm like am i getting paid for that you've got a little ivan in your head yeah they were right the whole time yeah they were right the moral of the story my parents called me the doctor when i was growing up oh my god they really wanted me to be a doctor. Then you're like, I'm going to make jokes. What do they call your brother? Huh? Did they call you? Did the siblings get any similar names?

No. I was about to say a real offensive thing right now, what they call the brother. I'm not. Never mind. The hebe? No. Worse. If we had no mics, I would have said something terrible.

Oh, I want to hear it I'll say it later she'll say it afterwards they uh my older brother and sister had a different dad and I think a lot of that pressure was coming from my

so they called them the accidents yeah oh look who it is the doctor and the dishwasher come on dad previous marriage yeah a lot of that pressure was coming from Ivan M. Carmel himself I think Come on, Dan. Previous marriage.

Yeah, a lot of that pressure was coming from Ivan M. Carmel himself, I think. Who himself was like a frustrated artist who then had to become a... What was his artist? He became realistic, quote unquote. Yeah, he was an actor. And loved doing that and was apparently really good at it. You got to get Ivan in some stuff. I'm trying, I'm trying. I loved doing that.

I was apparently really good at it. You got to get Ivan in some stuff. I'm trying. I'm trying. I mean, I feel like that's part of why it's that same mentality that really conservative in the closet people have that hate gays. They're like, I hate gays because I am one. And that's the same thing where it's like, don't devour your dreams because I tried and it didn't work.

I had totally. Yeah. I don't want you to hurt like that. Which makes sense because this not working out would be bad. Oh, yeah. I don't want you to hurt like that. Which makes sense because this not working out would be bad. Oh, yeah. I don't agree with that. I mean, that's going back to Ian's mom being like, because she came from dirt poor, right? That's what she said.

It didn't stress her out because she was like, well, even if he's dirt poor, he's still going to be okay. Yeah. Because that's the thing. What's the worst you can be is poor? Right. You can manage. You know how to be, yeah. You can still manage.

You're not on drugs. You're not you know right fucking crazy shit oh this wasn't going good i'd probably be on drugs if i was in it and it was going real bad yeah i think but what i'm saying is you would eventually get out of that and then do something else it's it's comforting yeah oh yeah you know how to get by is what i'm saying on certain bad days it'll get me through to be like well i could always just do manual labor for a while. For real. You know, if you really had to. You're like, I could do construction, I guess.

It's good to be poor for a little while at least so you can learn like, oh, that's not terrible. That's not the worst. I could still scrape enough money together for Madden and then that'll keep me entertained. You can afford your vices. Yeah. When you're poor, you can still afford your vices. Yeah. Yes.

It all evens out what fucking pisses me off so bad not to get on a soapbox with three people who will agree with me but like when they're trying to get food stamps you have to do drug testing and if you smoke weed then you can't get it's like fuck we can't even let broke people get stoned

for this one little that's who it's for Moby just came out with this you shouldn't be able to spend food stamps stoned for this one little... That's who it's for. Yeah, yeah. And I like the fuck of it. Moby just came out with this, like, you shouldn't be able to spend food stamps. He was like, you should spend it on healthy food

and that'll be good for the community in general. You shouldn't be able to get microwave burritos with food stamps. And I'm like, fuck you, Moby. We don't have four hours

to prepare a lunch. Maybe I don't have a grocery store in my neighborhood. Maybe I gotta buy Flamin' Hot Cheetos and suck ya. Maybe the one thing that makes me happy that day is the fuckin' Flamin'

Hot Cheetos. Moby, you bald prick. Fuck off. Yeah. And I can still trade my food stamps to the Mama Sons because they're ruthless and I can get half the money on the dollar anyways and I'm gonna go buy cigarettes. So fuck you, Moby. Also, frozen burritos are delicious. I don't care how much money is in my fuckin' bank account. Yes. I know. There's some hold-bys that I'm like, go buy cigarettes. So fuck you, Moby. Also, frozen burritos are delicious. I don't care how much money is in my fucking bank account.

I know. There's some hold buys that I'm like, even if I was a millionaire, I'd probably still eat. Dick-shaped food? Bratwurst. Microwave burritos. I do like dick-shaped food. Show me the life. I just bought a big stick yesterday from the ice cream man.

Oh, yeah. David made this. He noticed it right away when we moved in together. I was like, I was like, wow, I am sad and lonely. A lot of the best food

is dick shaped though. That's what I'm saying. That's not your fault? I would think David, a fat dude, would agree with me, but I guess not. Listen, you eat-

Bitch can't love eggplant? You're not, you don't love eggplant because you love eggplant. You love eggplant because it's shaped like dick. Yeah, that's true. Eggplant. I'll be with you until the eggplant specifically.

Churros. Churros ripped my cavity out of my head. Why do you get a root canal? You still keep going back to a bad dude. That's that razor remover in you. Dude, my stepdad once got a root canal with You still keep going back. That's like going back to a bad dude. That's that razor remover in you. Dude, my stepdad once got a root canal

with no pain medication. Why? I don't know. Wow. I don't know what it was for. No, he just was like, he would do crazy stuff like that every once in a while.

I feel like you only do that to prove a point. Yeah. But he was like, well, it was my appointment. I was going in there and I was nervous and he came with me

and then the doctor like, or the dentist like, somehow got him in the chair and he hadn't gone for so long and they're like, oh, it was my appointment. I was going in there. I was nervous. And he came with me. And then the doctor, like, or the dentist, like, somehow got him in the chair. And he hadn't gone for so long. And they're like, oh, we need to take care of this right now. And he was like, all right, you don't have to give me Novocaine or gas. And he just took it. Wow. That's a guy that's going to die doing, like, autoeroticism. Yeah.

That's a man too tough for this world. Can you start calling him dad after that? Oh, yeah, you have to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I met him, his back was broken because he fell out of a van and a car ran over his back. What?

Yeah, he had like two steel rods in his back. Who was in the car? What the fuck? Did that a bank, or something like a bank pushed out of a van? Yeah. Is that what it sounds like? It sounds like someone was trying to murder him.

Oh, my legs? No, I was washing my stairs. My concrete stairs. Oh, my God. David, it's time for your second pick. My second pick. This is weird because this is like a job that I've actually had. Yeah.

But it's the only job I ever had in my life. And I had a bunch of jobs. It's the only one I ever liked. And it doesn't make a lot of jobs it's the only one i ever liked and like it doesn't make a lot of money i just like could do it forever uh that's uh being a gas station attendant damn it's just like i just loved it because like i would do overnight sometimes and it was just like you have your regulars and it's like it's like comedy where you can be very sociable to people and you become like you become at least for the neighborhood you're in you become like a part of the community where like i'd be at bars drinking

or whatever and people would be like oh that's the gas station guy right and then it was just like it's like the perfect amount of work because you can work the whole time if you want to or you can just smoke weed and look outside the window you i stole most of the my products that i needed from said gas station yeah and if you need to make some more money, there's advancement opportunities because you can always sell drugs there as well. I just loved it, man. I worked at like three different gas stations

in my life. It was just chill. It was perfect. I loved it so much. You're a charming, talented man with a silver tongue. You almost sold me on being a gas station attendant. It's not a bad life. You didn't sell me all the way though.

You took gas station attendant? It's my favorite job I've ever had. No shit. I really, I've done it at three different gas stations. I loved it.

That's fucking crazy. I loved it. I loved it. I remember when I was unemployed, I remember looking up wanting to be a gas station attendant because that seems

like such a chill job but it's a chill job for dudes, not for women. One of those jobs where I was like no because I would like

I would start observing more and I was like this has got to suck especially like pretty girls if there's a pretty girl as a guest I mean the kind of grimy

I mean you can't even pump gas without getting hollered at that sucks I remember there was a study that was saying that women pump once they pump the gas

they sit in their car and men pump gas and they stand outside the car. And it's like, yeah, it's because we're avoiding these men who are standing outside pumping their gas. They're going to say gross shit to us. So I can't imagine what the girl, yeah, what the girl, oh, it's so annoying. You can't fucking wash your windows without hearing some shit. And I was just, I remember thinking that was the job I always wanted. A gas station?

A gas station attendant. Because I was,, I remember thinking, that was a job I always wanted. A gas station? A gas station attendant. Because I was, you know, I like being grimy and working. Yeah, it is grimy sometimes, too, where you have to deal with, like, the types of people who frequent gas stations a lot sometimes are, like, you get in, there were a few, like, scary situations. I think a lot of people are locking themselves in the bathroom and, like. Dude, I had to, this kid used to come to our bathroom and jerk off all the time and i had to tell him and it was the worst because i'm sorry david well no it's i'm sorry to him

because he was like you could tell he was like from a repressed fan like he was young and he had to like he tucked in his shirt all the time yeah yeah and he was just like a really nerdy looking kid and he would come in like once once a week and he would take a fhm or a maxum or some shit and he would go to the bathroom for way too long and lock it and then he would come out all sweaty and like and then put the fhm back and then just like ride his bike home oh god and i felt so bad because i was like dude if i was 14 and i couldn't pound off at home i would kill everybody absolutely i would kill everybody. Absolutely. I would kill everybody. Maybe he didn't realize he could do it in the shower.

I think so. You know? Because I think when you're young, you think you have to like, I don't know, be sitting on dry. Well, I think that, you know what I think it was? I think he didn't want to bring the material to his house. Like he didn't want to hide the FHM under his bed.

He was living two separate lives already. He had two families. I have my family at home and then I have my family at the gas station. And that kid's name was Mark Zuckerberg. He took it well, though. It is wild how the gas attendant, it feels like back in the 50s and 60s, that was such like a James Dean gearhead. I could fix your car.

Yeah. Cool job. You get those cool jumpsuits with your name on them. It's like a James Dean gearhead. I could fix your car. Yeah. Cool job. I can't. I can't. You get those cool jumpsuits with your name on them. They don't do that anymore. Just whatever you wear, right? Yeah.

Yeah, it's just rubbish. And a construction vest or something. It's like a chill, low stakes kind of job. Yeah, totally. Yeah, it's fun. There's enough shit. You're surrounded by snacks. Yeah, yeah.

And if you're bored, you just fill out orders or you stock the cooler. It was just like, I loved it, man. I love working at a gas station. Sometimes jobs like that, where you're like, I don't know what it does, but it just fits all the needs in my brain, where it's just interesting enough. Or the tasks that you have to do are like, yeah, I can just do this repetitively, and I kind of like it. I checked all my boxes. And then once you get good at it, I was just like, hell of a facet. I could be like, okay, those okay those cigarettes are 678 with tax yeah and i could just like do everything like a lot of shit in my head so then you're like saucing on them oh yeah yeah i loved

it man all right you've charmed me yeah i would get scared though when i worked at the gas station i'd get all high sometimes and be like dude i'm gonna be here like clerks i'd be like i'm gonna be here forever. Yeah, that would be scary. Yeah, that's sad. Oh, yeah. But the fact that you're so comfortable in that life. I loved it.

That means you're going to make it. I loved it. You know? So gas station attendant. Gas station attendant. All right. Real low bar on that. I know.

These picks are revealing. Time for my second pick. And with my second pick, I guess this is very revealing. I'm going to take scuba dive instructor in a lazy beach town. That's a good life. I like that. Oh, you are scuba certified too. I'm scuba

certified. Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus? You got it. 100%. I'm certified on PADI since the age of 14. Yeah. So I've spent a lot of time, as I mentioned earlier in the podcast, father was an attorney, mother fairly irresponsible with her money. So we went to, so we would go on like vacation, like family vacations to warm places because we all, the whole family scuba dove.

vacation like family vacations to warm places because we all the whole family scuba dove uh so i got to know these like dudes who just like like these like guys who would like become certified and become scuba dive trainers and then they would go live in like fucking cabo santa lucas mexico or like like lahaina maui and they would just like hang out they'd wake up at six probably swim in the ocean and then take tourists out to these reefs and they would like jump in the water with them and you would scuba dive all morning and then your job will be done like three o'clock yeah and you would just go do whatever they would just be so tan and happy and they like swim all day so they're like cut they don't make any money but like but like whatever yeah but who needs the money right also your especially for scuba diving, your students are going to be listening intently.

Because it's like, if you do not listen to me, you will die down there. Yeah, yeah. So no one's going to be doing nonsense. You don't have to deal with a bunch of shit. That's it. And I could see you doing it. Yeah. That's like you were the guy people would remember.

They'd be like, hey, Jake, how was Mexico? And you'd be like, oh, my God. Cheryl, tell them about our scuba diver. Tell them how funny he was. Every time in Mexico, I mean, this probably says a lot about, there's probably politics going on here, but there would be,

the boat would have like a crew of like dudes from, Mexican dudes, who lived down there, and there'd be one guy who would get on the mic, who would be like the white dude, whose job was like to charm all the... He was the face.

Tourists. The face, yeah. And so you'd be on your way out to like, it'd be like a 45 minute boat ride, and he'd be like, you know, he'd have like fun jokes, like alright, if you look to your left, that's Seal, not the British pop singer, actual Seal, or whatever, you know. The kind of summer people from Wichita are like,

God, the funniest thing I've ever heard! You know? Alright, and to your right, there's a reef right there, the kind of reef that it's okay to be on. It's actually every kind of reef. You get it, Jane. Legalize it.

Red hat. Legalize it. Legalize it. Just like these dumb little jokes, man. That's a fun life. You could do that forever. I still think about it sometimes. I'm like, I should have fucking done that. I, man. That's a fun line. You could do that forever. I still think about it sometimes. I'm like, I should have fucking done that.

I also feel like that's a job where you would get proposition for threesomes pretty often. All the time. Oh, that's a good point. That's a great point. That is probably. I bet it's three-way city. More than regular sex, probably three ways all the time. All the time.

It's couples away from home. All the kinds of three ways. Every country, every color, every- Every man-woman, man-man combination. No, but I'm saying all across the globe. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Italian.

Some of the most beautiful. They're just like, oh, look at this big old dude. Argentinian three ways all of a sudden you find yourself involved in? They're just fascinated with your body. He's so athletic. Yeah, but he's like giant. Oh, man. Because he'd be like barrel chested. Oh, barrel chested. Yeah, but he's like giant. Oh, man. Because he'd be like barrel-chested. Oh, barrel-chested, yeah, but still

fat. I'd have a couple tattoos at that point. I swear to God he was tap-dancing on the bottom of the ocean. Oh, man. Yeah, that's damn. And when you've been scuba diving a few times, you're very acrobatic in the water. You can really throw people off the scent of how unacrobatic you are.

On the way. I saw that guy trip on nothing earlier. And then there's the, because then you get the ride back into port, too, where, like, everybody's, like, a little bit tired from diving and really happy. And that's when you're tossing out, like, beers to everybody. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You got beers on the boat for the way in. And that's when you turn on, like, the fucking peaceful, easy feeling by the eagles or whatever.

Oh, man. As you're, like, riding the waves. I got a peaceful. Sunset. Yeah. So you get to see everybody. You're surrounded by people who, like, worked all year. And then, like, this is their little vacation.

They're all in love with each other. Yeah, that's why they want a three-way sober. Right. I mean, they've never scuba dived. They've never had threesome. Right, yeah. Diver down. We're in Costa Rica. Yeah, exactly. why they want a three-way soap. Right. I mean, they've never scuba-dived. They've never had threesome. Right. Diver down. We're in Costa Rica. Yeah, exactly. Let's just go crazy. Nobody knows. You don't have to tell anybody.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's secret. That three-way secret's in the bottom of the ocean. Let's scuba-dive in the ocean of love, babe. And I'll throw one last perk out, and then we'll move on. A lot of different hats you get to wear. Yes. And I mean literal hats. You can wear different hats you get to wear. Yes. I mean literal hats. You can wear bucket hats.

You can wear straw hats out on the boat. Oh, man. Cowboy hats. Cowboy hats. Yeah, you can wear anything out there. International waters. That's a great pick, man. For someone who doesn't wear a condom,

you like hats a lot. Yeah. His eyes looked right at me. I don't wear condoms. I like hats a lot. Yeah. His eyes looked right at me. I don't wear condoms. I'm very reckless. I believe it. Yeah. I do get tested a lot, though.

So I'm this weird combination of reckless and not reckless. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think it's two different types. Yeah. Maybe I'm too trusting. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Oh, my God.

Maybe you're just a hoe. I am too trusting. Maybe I'm just like my father, too bold. Oh, my God. Maybe you're just a hoe. I am a hoe. Although I haven't been hoeing lately. I'll have you know. I've been good. Yeah, you've been a good boy. Thank you. What does that mean? Two weeks?

Yeah. What's the longest stretch for you, Ian Carmel? As an adult? To not have sex, yeah. Since I started having sex regularly? Yeah. Probably three weeks. What? What? Maybe a month. Really? Yeah. Probably three weeks. What?

What? Maybe a month. Really? Yeah. That's crazy. Get out of here. That's crazy. That's amateur hour.

What is that? Well, I know it's not very long. I'm charming. Three weeks? Get out of here. You don't even feel it at three weeks. I'm charming and I like having sex. It's probably-

You're not even- This fool doesn't wear condoms and he's fucking every other day. Man. I got started late. Wait, how old were you when you lost your virginity? Well, I lost my virginity at 17,

but then it was like, it was very sporadic until... I was like that too. Until I was about 26, 25. Yeah. And now it's every goddamn day, apparently.

Wow. I mean... I wish you guys could have seen that face. A non-pregnant pause. I wish you guys could have seen that face. A non-pregnant pause. I really wish they could have seen his face when I called him out for not wearing condoms because I was just joking. And he looked at me like, how does this bitch know? What are the streets telling her?

I did wonder how that went through because you just said it and then he was like, I don't wear condoms. Listen, I'll let the woman pick the record, all right? She wants me to wear a condom, I'll wear a condom. But if she's okay with not wearing condoms, and we have an earnest moment where it's like, are you clean? You've been tested?

Yes. Yes, I have. And so have I. Let's proceed to sleep with each other amicably. Without condoms on. Also, I'm ready to be a dad. Damn. That makes sense. Oh, no no it was a mistake yeah yeah you're at that age i got some money though yeah exactly um i am not i wear two condoms it

may be a month and a half but it is like it is like, it's in that region. Really? Yeah. Good for you. It's, yeah. All right. I need to pick a third job. Gigolo. That's what, no. I was like, wow, I was ready for it. Without a raincoat.

Alternative. So for my third one, I just picked scuba dive instructor. With this one, I'm going gonna go with owner of a pizza place oh like it's you on the box yeah exactly yeah is this where is this a city is this a this isn't a city yeah this is this is big time yeah i'm not not a chain that's this is like a one-off kind of pizza place but like in new york or kind of i'm thinking almost like a one-off kind of pizza place. But like in New York or? Kind of, I'm thinking almost like a sizzle pie in Portland type. I couldn't break the scene in New York.

Right. I'm neither Jewish nor Italian enough for that. But I feel like in Portland, I could open like a pretty good pizza place, have good music playing, have it have a fun vibe, the kind of place where drunk people want to go end up. Yeah. Yeah.

But yeah, I'm definitely on the box. It's a drawing of me kissing my fingers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, yeah, real detailed one. And then when you're in there, people like, parents tell their kids, they're like, that's the guy from the box. That's the guy in the box. Yeah.

Yeah. And you're just back there. You're not in there. You're throwing dough in the air. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing the dough throw. Absolutely.

Like with the back of the knuckles, tossing it up there. Is that how they do it? Yeah. It's back. It's all knuckles. It's all knuckles it's all knuckles you can't well fingers

too many points of contact yeah that makes sense gotta be back and the hands and the knuckles um I'm wearing

I'm covered in flour I got a black shirt covered in flour yeah I got the uh I got the apron on yep picking the music

yeah got fun nicknames for all the people who work there you can twirl the uh the wood thing that you get the pizzas out of the oven. Oh, come on. Yeah, that's getting me. Oh, the paddle?

Yeah, the paddle. You got paddle tricks? You're just doing this across tables? Yeah. Pretending you're canoeing? There's a section of the night where the music goes off and we all just sing. Oh my god. The whole kitchen has songs we sing together. That's so good. Yeah. That's so good.

Are these like New York slices? These are New York slices. Okay. I love it. Yeah. Big, thin, flat pizzas. Yeah. That's the way to go.

Oh, man. All your pizzas would have good names, I feel like, too. Yeah. Like, they'd have good names. Yeah. That's good for you. Right? I see that.

I want that pizza. I'm hungry for that pizza now. It'd be good pizza. Yeah. It would be great pizza. By the way, shout out to the guy. I don't have the info on me, but we talked about it on the last podcast who sent us the hot sauces.

We tried them. Sean, you got to come over and try these hot sauces that people sent mostly to Sean. Perdition? One of them is called Perdition and one of them is called Harbinger. Those are ominous. Those those scary names for hot sauces and they're good but they're yeah they're hot they're fucking hot thank you for sending those shout out to you uh david it's time for you a third pick okay so this is like uh i think i would be a very good defensive line coach oh coach for like a super good

junior high. Not a high school team, not a college team, a super good junior high. Oh, I think you could do high school. I think you're telling yourself short. High school, the stakes are too high. Like a pup. I'm kidding, they're depending on you. Yeah, yeah. To take him to college.

Yeah, I want to still be the fun guy who's like teaching you because in junior high school, they're still because a lot of kids didn't play football until junior To take him to college. Yeah, on that scholarship. I want to still be the fun guy who's like teaching you. Because in junior high school, there's still, because a lot of kids didn't play football until junior high school. Yeah. So they're still teaching you to love the game. Okay, sure. You know what I mean?

And the kids don't know enough about the game to tell me shit. Right. You know what I mean? Because in high school, it gets like that, especially if you feel like your coach isn't whatever. Oh, and they'll- You're like, you come to the sideline and you're like, no, we can't call Wildcat anymore. Right.

Like junior high kids can't do that. Because one of the kids went to a different camp over the summer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I hate it when that happened. And like, it's like, and it's like junior high school football is just like, it was so fun.

And it was like, that's when you learn all the good things about being on a team. Yeah. Like where you're like, Hey guys, we rely on each other. Yeah, the brotherhood of it all. Right. And it's like before when you get to high school where it's sinister and like there's other things. It does start getting sinister. You see like a kid at the first day who's not that good.

But then over the course of the week, you're like, hey, dude, you're fucking awesome now. And you can get you can make kids good. Yeah. Like that's the other good thing about, like, high school, we all knew what it was when we got there. You know, first day of ninth grade football, you know. Yeah. Those rules, people don't really rise or fall.

Because you're as athletic as you're going to get. It's hard to break out. In junior high school, like, I had a coach like that who was like, I wasn't that good. And he kind of, like, saw me and, like, figured it out. And, like, I got good. So by the time I went to ninth grade, me and, like, figured it out. And, like, I got good. So by the time I went to ninth grade, I was, like, ready to play with anybody. You were ready to go.

And I think just that level of sports is, like, it's still just, like, you're taking all the good that you can out of sports without any of the bad. The evil. Because you're not going to, junior high, you're not going to hear, like, oh, my players ran a train on some girl. You're not going to, there's nothing like that going on then. In ninth grade, I did have one. Or no, in eighth grade, not run a train on some girl or something. There's nothing like that going on then. In ninth grade, I did have one. Or no, in eighth grade, not run a train. That was the beginning of me not wearing condoms. In eighth grade, there was one nefarious, there was like one nefarious code.

And not like sexual or anything, but just like the kind of dude where you could tell he was working out his own issues through how violent his players were oh yeah where i like uh i may have told this story on the podcast before but like in eighth grade i tackled it was like our junior or our team was playing the rival high schools the junior high school junior high school team and uh i tackled this kid and it was, I didn't, I hit him pretty hard, but this was pure physics gone wrong where I ended up breaking both his legs. Oh my God. Cause it was like, like they were planted wrong and like his cleats stuck.

That took the wind out of me. Yeah. And it was like, it was so great. Like I tackled him and then I heard like these like loud, like, like a, like a snap.

And then like him, like, ah, like immediately. And I have a similar story like that. How did you feel? I felt terrible. I got up and I was like, oh, no, oh, no, no, no, no, no. And like, I had to go to the sideline and an ambulance came and like they had to load him into an ambulance. Did you cry?

I didn't cry, but I was so shocked. I didn't feel anything. But I remember like running. And that's why he doesn't wear condoms. That's why, yeah. Because I'm already, my whole fucking soul

is wearing a condom. That got stapled to my fucking balls that day. But I remember jogging off the field and having like the, one of the coaches being like,

that's how you fucking stick them. That's how you fucking stick them that's how you're like i'm like i'm like what are you talking about yeah it's a dude laying on the ground with two broke legs like come on man can you not use me as a fucking example yeah grown man i mean what you said 13 years old right we were 13 14 yeah probably 14 years old yeah crying his little face off. There's no way he couldn't. You're 13. He's a child. He's a child.

It was just fucking sad. At that moment, I was like, even then, I'm like, ooh. Ooh, this isn't. It's bad. That shit's scary, too. In eighth grade wrestling, I fucked up a kid's back. Yeah. Like, bad or whatever.

And he was, like, laying there. And then his, like, it was like towards the end of practice. And like both our parents came. And like, as soon as my mom came, I started crying. Yeah. Cause I didn't know how to handle the situation. And it was like, before my mom came, they had already had them on the stretcher. Yeah. They were there.

And like, I remember coaches, like,, after it was all over, laughing. Like, ha ha ha, don't fuck with you, huh? Oh my god. Those aren't the guys who should be. No. So you could be the guy who would be like, look. Which I had that situation. I had some man to be like, hey, buddy, that sucks.

We try to do everything we can to make this safe. Yeah, you gotta be safe. Sometimes just shit like that. Because had I been a piece of shit, I would have taken that mentality. And I knew what I did. And it was like a lot of, I won't say I did it on purpose, but that kid had been fucking with me. He didn't fuck with me no more. In fact, he doesn't fuck with anyone.

He's paralyzed. Yeah, he fucks with special parking spots. He can't fuck. And it was in eighth grade, so he never fucked. He never fucked. He never used condoms either. But like, yeah, the point is that like,

I wish I could be a person. I think junior high school sports are still great for kids. Yes. Maybe not football because we found out how bad it was. It's so bad. I mean, you broke a kid's legs.

Yep. But like... You know what's crazy is he had to, so he had to sit out The whole next year Yeah Of football Freshman year of football

Of course he did Of course And he spent that whole time In the weight room Oh I thought you were Going to say in a wheelchair No not in a wheelchair But he was like

He can't play football But he spent the whole time Lifting weights And then by the time He could play He was in such He was like an amazing shape He went on to play

For Oregon State Oh my god are you serious Yeah so it was like It ended up helping him out You helped him he had he ended up working out for the best i mean his amazing work ethic helped him but like you know i helped a little bit he was just working out in the gym staring at a picture of you like yeah yeah i felt we we ran into each other later and i apologized but it was like the craziest thing and again I like it wasn't me being some like amazing fucking badass football player

it was just one of those you know when like a leg gets like it's an accident right yeah that's why sports is tricky yeah

people get fucked up yeah people get fucked up also you like we already both kind of dress like middle school football coaches yeah

it's a lot of my aesthetic oh I was gonna say you guys dress like toddlers yeah same thing same thing same thing we need to get you guys dress like toddlers. Yeah, same thing, same thing, same thing. We need to get you guys on, what is it, Friday Night Tykes? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've watched every episode. I've seen it, yeah. I love it. Bucket hats, fun windbreakers, cool socks. And I would just be like, I'd be the coach who like, hey, I know you like to touch butts. Yeah. Nothing else, nothing else.

Cool, right? Yeah. All right, take a look. All right, all right. Marcella, else. Cool, right? Yeah. All right. Take a look. All right. All right. Marcella, it's time for your third pick. My third pick would be a Frank Zappa impersonator. Ha!

Who also dabbles in Michael Jackson and Cher. Okay. No further questions or comments. dabbles in Michael Jackson and Cher. Okay. I've never watched that. No further questions or comments. All right, Zach, you're... I've never saw it before. I've never saw it before. Yeah.

Frank Zappa. Wow. Oh, my God. You are... You'd have to do Beyonce, too, just for your Beyonce impression. No, no. You wouldn't have to do it.

White skin, dark hair. All right. Imperson no. It's supposed to be a white skin, dark hair impersonation. All right. Maybe we'll see what Beyonce does later in life if she goes down that Michael. No, I don't do blackface. What about if she was just on the God mic? You do it before you come out.

No, guys. Stop trying to change my career. Sorry. I've got to follow my dreams. Frank Zappa, Cher, and who was the third one? Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. Sometimes if I get a special request for Prince, I can make that happen.

Do a little Prince for him? Oh, yeah. I can sing in the purple. Yeah. Baby, baby. I love this. And that's a viable living. Prince Zappa.

My grandfather looked like Tony Bennett and had a pretty good voice. So he would do these, they were called the Great Pretenders, these events where he would go. And there would be five or six people who would do karaoke in these characters. And Elks Lodges or whatever would book them and stuff. There was a guy who looked so much like Roy Orbison who could fucking nail Roy Orbison songs. It was amazing. Those are hard songs to sing. And that's not an easy voice to impersonate.

Yeah, it's like a very interesting voice. He came and sang at my mom's wedding at the reception. Oh, wow. It was her second wedding. Third wedding. Yeah, her third wedding. I see where you get it. Both my parents. Three marriages in a clip. Same here. Both parents. Yeah, her third wedding. I see where you get it. I don't know.

Both my parents, three. Three marriages in a flip. Same here. Same here. Both parents, three marriages each. One. One? Yeah.

My mom would have stayed married to my dad if he hadn't died and refuses to do anything else. Really? Yeah. She's too Catholic. Great third world Catholic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not my parents.

Three marriages each. But yeah, he came and sang and it was amazing. The guy could fucking nail the Royal Orbison. There's that casino in Vegas where like... Oh, Legends? Yeah, where there's always someone up there doing one of those. Yeah, they have like a bunch of them.

I bet you also, you could get a lot of three-ways as a Frank Zappa. Oh yeah, that's probably the second most three-ways. Especially nowadays. Yeah. Non-binary this, non-binary that. Maybe like planetary three ways.

Oh man. It'd be smelly too. We're going to do an all fantasy everything first where you guys keep talking and I go pee. Whoa. I have to also pee.

Oh. I pee a lot. Should we pause it then? All right. Me and David just go. Okay, here we go. We've been waiting on it. Wait, no. The two of you stay on mic. Keep talking. Welcome to the mid right. Me and David just go. Okay, here we go. We've been waiting on it. Wait, no.

The two of you stay on mic. Keep talking. Welcome to the mid-zone with Zach and David. Yeah. You guys know a lot about Ian and Marcella, but what's been up with you, Zach? I feel like they're going to cut this part out. I know. They definitely are.

I don't know i've been watching a lot of uh a lot of unsolved mysteries okay okay the robert stacks that's a good i've been watching a lot of my strange addiction oh that's a good one yeah that's just a lot of people eating mattresses and mattresses uh There was that one lady who ate, she would eat clothing sheets or dryer sheets. Dryer sheets. Yeah. Yeah, I don't, man. Sometimes when I watch that show, I'm like, I don't know if this is maybe exploitive to the mentally ill.

Right. I saw the one where this kid lived with all these blow up animals. Oh, that guy. And he would hug and kiss them, but he didn't have sex with them. Right. And I was just watching how he interacted i was like this dude's like this dude is like crazy yeah whatever you know what i mean well there was that guy who had that with cars really yeah where he like would

rub up against his car i get that like make out with his car like stimulate himself on his car tailpipe i think you would just like a mississippi dry rub against the fender okay okay um that's that down south spicy the back of your throat um but yeah i was just like gary you're watching it you're kind of like man is this like in 15 years are people going to be like, this is what they used to put on TV. Yeah. They are going to be like that. Or like hoarders or stuff where you're like, okay, these people have clear like issues. It feels like the modern day freak show.

Yeah. Like where it's the same kind of thing where it's like, I don't know, man, maybe help. But that being said, I still watch that show. Oh, yeah. Wait, I have another question before we even go any further. Yeah you want to go to jersey mike's after i would love to go to jersey mike i got a bunch of points i feel like now that we've shouted them out on the podcast they have to give us the meat dust yeah yeah what is jersey mike's what is the meat dust yeah tell them about the meat dust the meat this is important the meat dust is when you go to like jersey mike's

and it's been like there was a line there just that all cleared out yeah and they haven't cleaned the slicer so there's all that like debris off the slicer of like roast beef turkey ham cheese yeah and it's just all collected on the just put that on top of my sandwich and i asked them they will not they can't do that yeah and they won't accept money for it. How fine is the dust? It's like sawdust material. Nah, see, I can't do the sawdust. If it was thicker, like debris, I could do.

It's like a meat seasoning. I'm thinking scraps. I could not do a dust. You don't think you could. It's not fine. That's a bridge too far for me. It's like grinded up weed, not like- It's not like sand. No, I'm thinking of it right.

Ground up weed consistency? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but meat and cheese. And just on top of the sandwich. It's not the main ingredient. Yeah, you just- It's like a seasoning. Obviously, I would eat it, but for some reason, I'm having a hard time in my head getting

over that block. I don't know why. We've talked about it. I think it would be great. Anyways, me and Zach, we got to the bottom of some shit while you guys were gone. They're talking about eating a finely ground meat dust. So it's exactly. Or we didn't.

Or we didn't. Whatever. Hey, you can put it on a salad. Oh, there you go. That's a good idea. See? Or eat a tortilla. Oh.

No, the tortilla itself would take up too much space. I mean, it you go. That's a good idea. See? Or eat a tortilla. Oh. No, the flour, I mean, the tortilla itself would take up too much space. I mean, it would absorb. God damn it. I just got these Oreos. I remember my first pack of double stuffs. I remember my first beer. Well, these are heavier. That joke always gets me.

When somebody does it right, it always gets me. Oh, man. So, yeah, Frank Zappa, Sharon, Michael Jackson. I don't know. My dad tried to get me into Frank Zappa once, and it did not take. Really? Yeah. I like Frank Zappa.

You're in? Yeah. It's weird. I like weird shit. I think we're coming up on two hours, and we're in the third round. Zach, it's time for your third and fourth picks. Okay, third pick. I'm going to have to go with being research and development at Lego.

Oh, damn. Yes. That's a very good idea. Yeah. Like looking at like, oh, what could we turn into Lego? How could we do it? Also like playing with it. Just like, yeah, being like one of those

a lot of these on my list became like it's like you want to make some or designing something right um but yeah just i love lego i could still get into it if i had like yeah a thousand bucks in the bank it would be hard for me to not go to the lego store like our boy uh andrew orvidal who's like very into legos right he loves lego yeah it's be hard for me to not go to the Lego store. Like our boy, uh, Andrew Orvidal, who's like very into Legos, right? He loves Lego. Yeah. It's just something about it,

man. It's like the gas station thing where it's like just putting the pieces together and seeing it complete at the beginning. It just does something. I mean, I can see you getting baked, putting on some indie rock and like fucking around with Legos. Oh yeah.

Some broken social scene. Yeah. Satisfying. But I'm creating a social scene of Legoland. Have you been to Legoland? I haven't. Oh, it. Some broken social scene. Yeah. Satisfying. But I'm creating a social scene of Legoland. Have you been to Legoland? I haven't. Oh, it's great. It's really cool.

Is it? Is it Southern California? Yeah, it's in Southern California. Is it San Diego? Somewhere. I don't remember. It's far. My sister, her husband, and two kids, we all went together.

I had so much fun. It's really cool. Are there rides? Or is it mostly like- Fuck. I had so much fun. It's really cool. Are there rides? Or is it mostly like... Fuck, are there... I don't even remember. Legos, dude. But the...

I mean, everything... Especially if you're a little kid. Oh, man. Because shit is so big to them. I mean, that's what it's made for. But as an adult, you can... I mean, you can appreciate anything made out of Legos. Yes.

We're not idiots. It's all exciting. It's really cool. And that's... Yeah, that's what I love. And the store itself is really cool because they have so many cool... Oh, shit. So many cool Legos. that's, yeah, that's what I love. And the store itself is really cool because they have so many cool Legos. I got the female Ghostbusters, like the four chicks, the car.

Oh, yeah. This monster. It's fucking cool. Someone had the fire station from like the original Ghostbusters. Wow. Yeah, man. You could be the guy who designs them. I know, I know.

Damn. And it's one of those things that I like, too. Like, you mentioned it going with, like, nieces and nephews was, like, kids still play with Legos. So it's that thing that you can, like, can just go up to, like, a four-year-old and, like, we're both going to have fun doing this. Yeah, yeah. Like, it's not like me reading you a book and being like, Jesus Christ. Right. You're just like, yeah, yeah. You're doing that.

Or you're doing. This book fucking sucks this book sucks dude this fucking this fucking whale should just get his own house already are you worried that when they started you out in r and d like the first year would be you stepping on things to seeing how much they hurt you really got to earn your keep oh yeah exactly that's six. It's the wrong end of the research and development. You have to test out what we should put on the warnings. I would like it if you would re-R&D adult movie Legos.

Like, where's the Get Out Lego set? Oh, God, yeah. You know what I mean? With villainous white women. Yeah. Or anything. With a deer head you can plunge into people? Like a little real Lego.? Like a little real Lego.

Yeah, a little real Lego. Oh, man. Lego TSA agent. Yeah, see? The possibilities are endless. I think that's a great idea. The two of you need to take Lego into the 21st century. That's what I'm saying.

And then when they fall into sunken place, you put the head on a different outfit. The sunken place would be like clear Legos, yeah oh like a prison yeah oh man and then you have the underwater ones underneath that yeah it would be and plus it would be fun like if you could make a i would feel like my office would just be one big scene where it was like the underwater ones would be actually underwater yeah there'd be like the poor shit the pirate ship floating on top the The commercial for the Get Out Lego one could be, it would be a, Lego, go, go, go, go,

go, Lego, Lego, Lego, Lego, go, go, go. And then you just hear that tink, tink, tink, tink. Oh yeah, it's the feeling of the two snapping into each other and that's when you fall. R&D Lego, great. What's your fourth pick? Alright, fourth pick. pick i'm gonna go this is like uh motivated by david's gas station pick i would be a power washer oh i would power wash it

satisfying man it feels good yeah it's great have you ever power washed concrete yes like like just the ground dude the best like a good feeling there was so in portland the tennis courts i always played with they would never clean them and i messaged like the portland parks department like just give me the allowance to i will rent it i'll rent the power washer i'll do it on my own time you don't have to pay me just like legally allow me to do this they wouldn't let me do it really yeah and i was like i want to do this and i just kept thinking like i could do that my whole life if people were like go to my house it's 60 bucks we need you to power wash this i'd be like yeah absolutely man and it's all that like seeing it dirty and like do you doing something

makes it clean and you're just like fuck there must be some scientific name for that feeling where you of seeing a job done yeah i used to love mowing lawns. I was going to call it genocide. Making something out of the satisfaction. Like, look at David. That's what I deal with all day. It just got cold in here. That's why Hitler tried to power watch my people out of Western Europe. That's what that is.

I mean, listen to him talk. I just felt like, yikes. What is he really talking about the house it's hiding but you find it and you clean it you find all that dirt are you hiding dirt it feels like having a ghost dog on a leash it's kind of that fun like oh my god ghost dog on a leash yeah my dad my dad was good at that one we fell for it the ghost dog on the leash fell for it did he have the actual leash? Yeah, the one that, yeah, we had that.

He would do it and then we're like, what? Let me try and it didn't work. We're like, I don't get it. Why does it only work with you? Where'd it go? I remember seeing that shit at Disneyland for the first time. Your dad's had two good bits on this. My dad had a lot of bits.

But no, power washing is good. Have you ever done it for too long though? Where your hands are shaking? Yeah, like when you get, I had to do it for like 8 hours one time Oh my god Yeah, I got in trouble at work And that was the punishment? Yeah

The day before I had come in I was like 20, so I had just come in super late Hella hungover and just was trash Where was this job? I did condo maintenance for a while. And then the next day they were like, we got to power wash this whole parking lot. And they said that to me in the morning.

And then they were like, actually, David has to power wash as well. But doing it for eight hours is like, you kind of go crazy. Right, yeah. Because it was like a parking garage for this apartment. So I was just in there, and there were no cars. And I didn't have any headphones. So I was just looking at the ground. were no cars and I didn't have any headphones so I was just like looking at the ground yeah yeah yeah

just for hours those smoked the whole pack days and manual labor jobs sucked oh man I had to demo a tennis court one time same thing when you were telling me about that I was like that sounds crazy just demolishing a tennis court

but just what you had like... I had a sledgehammer. A sledgehammer. I feel like I could only do it if you had recently wronged me. And that would be easy. Fuck Zach, he doesn't get to play on this one. After I just cleaned it, I go back home to nap. Tell you what Portland did give me the money for.

Fuck! No, I had a job. I worked at an amusement park and it was like the, where like companies would rent out this big space and then we would have like food and buffets. So I would get to power wash like the industrial kitchens inside. You look so happy just talking about it. Oh God. Oh yeah.

When you get up on those vents. Doing the racks and stuff. Those vents. Yeah. That does feel good. And you're being indoors and it's like, everything's tile. Those vents, yeah. It does feel good. And you're being indoors and it's like everything's tile, so it's okay.

Yeah. But you're just indoors being like, this doesn't seem like I, this should be my job, but they're letting me do, I was like 15. Power washing. I know.

I get that, man. Marcella, it's time for your, let's power wash our way onto your fourth pick. I'm, oh man. Yeah. I'm going to pick something. I'm going to pick Singer. not because i'm a good singer which i am um don't get it twisted yeah don't get it but because

it doesn't matter anymore if you can sing or not true like it doesn't like i think that the thing that has been so shocking to me of the last, whatever, 20 years, because I think about how Milli Vanilli, they got so fucked over when the lip syncing thing was revealed. And now we have a show called Lip Sync Battle. What a great point, right? That's what we're at in history. One of those dudes committed suicide. Robin Fett? Really?

Yeah. Is that Milli or Vanilli? I don't know. It's probably Vanilli. Light skins are probably. He moved up to Seattle. Podcast, David. But I think about that.

I think about how like, you know, when Britney was famous, like everybody was like, ah, she lip syncs. Who cares? Nobody cared. And she can't sing. And then auto tune. Even Mariah Carey used auto tune. But I always think about Millie Vanillie.

Like that dude died. And now we have a show called Lip Synune. But I always think about Milli Vanilli. That dude died, and now we have a show called Lip Sync Battle. It's like he died for nothing, really. He died for nothing. Nothing. He died for nothing. He would have been doing his reclamation projects right now. Honestly.

And being, I assume, pop is what you would do. Being a pop singer, if you don't have to be a great singer, then isn't a lot of it like being a pro wrestler? Right. Yeah, I think so. Where it's just like personality and like how you engage with people

and all that kind of thing. Because there's singers, God, what's that woman's name? Fuck. She's an amazing singer, but because she's so boring, she's just, nobody cares about her.

Tori Kelly. So many. Yeah. So many. She's like, nobody cares about her. Tori Kelly. So many. So many. She's like a Simon Cowell chick. She like won one of those. Tori Kelly. No, it's not. No, it's this chick.

She basically looks like Beyonce. I forget her name. I don't care what they say. Fantasia? That song? I don't know who sings that, but I know that song. Fantasia? Keep breathing, keep breathing love. Natasha Bedingfield? That's not her name.

Okay. It's a white woman. I tried. I tried. Ingrid Michaelson. She has, no. Oh. But she has an amazing voice, but if you watch her in interviews, I mean, she's fucking drop

dead gorgeous. She's just boring. She's boring. So, like, nobody cares about her. It made me think, you were tweeting about the Andre the Giant documentary the other day.

Mm-hmm. And there was that quick snippet where Andy Warhol was there. Oh yeah. And I was like, it made me think for a second, I was like, how crazy to be like an artist

who's like so famous that like they'll interview you about Andre the Giant, right? That you're just like a painter and an artist who's that famous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. but like the thing he was good at and like this is obviously i'm not like breaking any news or anything like that but like at inventing himself so that he himself was the art piece and he became so huge he was just so good at like crafting humanity to be like something that people wanted to see more of right some? Some people are just good at being famous.

Just good at being famous. And that's like what you have to be as a singer now. It's just like you have to take that Andy Warhol art form and just be like, how do I make myself the most interesting? And then the music is kind of secondary, right? Which is so funny. Yeah, you could be like a, like Snoop Dogg is like that to me. Yeah.

Where it's like Snoop Dogg is great at being, I mean like classic albums, it's like the one. When was the last big Snoop? I mean, he's had albums, but as far as like- Well, consistently, but none of them have been that good. There's a hit show on TBS called Joker's Wild. Yeah. Man, I tried to watch that.

You know, listen, Snoop Dogg is great at being- Get that money. Is what I'm trying to say. Yeah, singer. That's a good point. So it would be almost fun, like if you knew the game from early on, you're like, all right, let me go fucking do this. Well, that's what I'm saying, is now when I look at, like, people who are putting out music, I'm like, I totally could have. This is what people like.

Yeah. Like, it's so simple, you know? Because even Madonna, yeah, she couldn't sing, but she sang live. Right. Now we're at a point where nobody knows, nobody cares, it doesn't matter. They don't care. They do not care. Yeah, so you could just get in the game if you're just like, yeah, if you could see the

game for what, yeah. Damn. Yeah. Spend a lot of time on your Instagram. Yep. David, it's time for your fourth pick. I want to be a rapper. No.

Okay. I want to be made. No, but this one is music-based. i think i would be a really good radio dj yeah yeah just like that local dude yeah have a pretty decent car condo style condo yeah i would want to be the cool like so in i don't know if everywhere does this but in denver on sunday nights like the late night show is called the Radio Bums. Yeah. And they would play like hip hop that I liked. Oh.

Like it wasn't like radio hip hop. It was like shit you would be reading about in magazines. It's just like mixtapes it. And I would like, I would wait every week, every Sunday night. Like I would listen to that and I fucking loved it. And they were like, to me, those were like the coolest guys. Denver's got such an interesting radio landscape, because they have that comedy network that's like pretty popular, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shout out to you guys for putting me on. I appreciate that. But, yeah, no, I just always thought radio DJ. And then I thought, like, the radio bums for me were like, I was like, because that's what they were called. And I was like, man, that would be so dope. And like they also did shows during the week, but they had this one show at night. Like I remember listening one time and they said, fuck. And I was like, oh, this is like, yeah, cool.

Like radio could be cool. Or like, have you ever heard of Stretch and Bobbito? Yeah. You guys watch that documentary? Yeah. Like shit like that where it's like, it does like shape people's tastes in music forever. I remember Bobbito from NBA Street. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that would be a cool job that I would be. That would be great. Plus, you get to put people on the music, which is one of the most fun things you can ever do. Yeah. And you get to go to every event. Yeah. Because in my head, I would be doing it in Denver.

So I'd get Nuggets tickets and Avalanche tickets. Yeah. It would just be a a cool fun thing that i could do for maybe you're syndicated in like six markets yeah so that way you can afford like a like a decent living yeah yeah yeah i think it would be i think i think being a radio dj would be great what's your sound effect policy yes or no sound effects yeah just like on a board i don't want it overpopulated yeah i because like that's the other thing i mean even when mixtapes were like the thing i used to hate that about the djs like like k slay i'd be like shut oh fuck oh doesn't storm

yeah yeah new shit new shit new shit can't believe we did it we did it i'm making a sandwich right now shout out to them people people people yeah and you're just like so many like oh so like none of that i would do none of that yeah never hear like i don't know what it would be whatever their drops are yeah candy corn music halloween's right around the corner corner corner nightmare on helm street none of that shit none of that shit but yeah i think a radio But yeah, I think a radio DJ would be a cool one. I just bought a Dodge Music. I would do that drop, though. I just bought a Dodge Music because I feel that.

Yeah, right? It's not like, Maybach Music is far too ambitious. I just bought a Dodge Music. Getting that general contractor money. I don't normally believe in ghosts, ghosts, ghosts, ghosts. But I stayed at this hotel recently, recently, recently. I don't know, man, but something happened.

Teresa, Teresa, Teresa. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Take me back, back, back. Maybe we should get into the radio drop game or the mixtape drop game. Just the drop game. Yeah, just the drop game. I don't care about your music.

No. I don't care about cultivating your career. I just want drops. You come in, do three drops, and then you leave. You don't even hear the song. All right, it's time for my fourth and then my final picks. Fourth and final. As it is a serpentine draft.

With my fourth pick, I'm going to take Crooked Senator. Oh, like on the take? Yeah, on the take. So like in this scenario, I was going to be a lawyer. My dad's a lawyer. No, no, I'm just sitting up. Defensive posture. No, no.

I'm just sitting up. Crooked. I'm listening. Crooked. I was going to become a lawyer. That was like the path until I found comedy. So in this scenario, I became a lawyer. Right.

But I got bored with it. Oh. You know? And then someone was like, hey, you're charming. Maybe, have you ever thought about getting involved in local politics? And at every level, I'm pretty clean, right? Yeah. So like, you know, first I'm a city kid.

But you're doing a little coke every now and again. Oh, I'm absolutely doing coke. But I'm saying, that's how it starts. That is how it starts, yeah. That's how it starts. So I'm a city councilman. All the griminess. Doing a little coke every now and then.

You know, going to the strip club still. Yeah, yeah. Because those are normal behaviors. Yes. Still normal. People do coke. For a normal American man. Then I'm a state senator.

You know, I can't really go to the strip club, so I do more coke to make up for it. Maybe you order the strip club in to you. Come to the house. Get the strip club in powder form. Then I run for Senate, not just state Senate, but real Senate. I get elected, and by that point I'm doing so much coke

that they flip the dealer on me, and all of a sudden I'm doing favors. Oh, yeah. And you've got one stripper who turns into a prostitute. Yes. And all of a sudden, I'm doing favors. Oh, yeah. Because they got dirt on me. And you've got one stripper who turns into a prostitute. Yes. Yeah. And that's how you're upside down.

I can be tied to that. I can be tied to this Coke dealer. Next thing you know, you're Rob Ford-ing it. I am. Big time. Just take it by. Yeah. Sounds like a Kennedy.

Sounds like a Kennedy-esque. He's also Christy-ing it by renting out the beach to himself. I mean, closing the beach to himself. Oh, my God. Absolutely. How come Old Wilma Falls is closed today I mean, closing the beach to himself. Oh my God, absolutely. How come Old Roma Falls is closed today? I'll tell you why. Why is there one guy smoking a joint up there?

Man, that would not be... That's not a bad life. If you're still doing mostly good. Crooked in the right ways. I'm not on the NRA's take, but I am on whatever the big pot farm is. I'm definitely on their take. You're making money. You're having some fun. I yeah i get it man i'm doing a lot of wearing uh like a suit but without the jacket with the uh sleeves rolled up kind of thing okay you know with the button up the sleeves are

rolled up you're a man of the tie because you're the man of the people absolutely yeah people got to think you're working when they oh yeah 100 usually the most crooked politicians are the ones that are i mean i guess except for current government the most crooked politicians are the ones that are, I mean, I guess except for current government, were always like the ones that were close to like the kingfish in Louisiana. Well, that guy was terrible. He was terrible, but I think the people loved him. Oh, he was a big time racist. This is crazy.

This is the second time. Is that the second part about this? No. Well, this is the second time it's come up on this podcast. The second episode or third episode we ever did which was john lovett came on and jared logan and i forget who the fourth guest was but we drafted presidential administrations and he took the kingfish oh yeah and i had to be like jared because he was like the people loved like the the white people yeah people loved racism yeah they still do they still

yeah clearly uh what was that guy's name huey huey long right long yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah tell you what that the movie glanced over the fact that he was crazily racist wasn't he am i a lot of movies do that that's what the history of movies is yeah but he was just love for getting schools, building roads to impoverished places. We're having two different conversations. Never mind. Now it's just dead air.

Anybody eating any tacos lately? Yeah, anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, maybe he wasn't. Listen, don't come to me for your... Something was up with him. Don't come to me for your Huey Long takes. That's what I'll say right now. Do the research for yourself.

All Fantasy Everything is not a licensed historian. So what I take... Oh, Crooked Senator. For my fifth pick and my final pick... Let me just scroll down here for a second. Do a drumroll. What the fuck, Ian? I want a drumroll, please.

None of us are doing that for you i took most the ones i wanted oh agent i would take hollywood agent just because i feel like i could do that shit yeah yeah oh yeah i could see you being an agent yeah yeah yeah i could say a lot of stuff i don't believe you'd have to take take away all the cool parts of your personality yeah and then just be like a hollow shell of a success vehicle. Say baby a lot more. Yeah. Tell people I love them.

I love their work. Tell them how much you love them all the time. Take credit for everything. Yeah. Take credit for everything. Yeah. I can always tell people great set even if they didn't have a great set. Yeah.

I feel like that's the main skill. Instead of like melting into the wall like you have to do now when they pass you. Yeah. Yeah. I just don't want it on me. I feel like I could afford to live in a house that's just my own, even though none of my clients can. That kind of thing, you know?

Bro. Yeah. Man, that one struck me. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You live where? Yeah. Holy shit.

Oh, fuck. I talked to my agent one time, and he's like, hey, it's Christmas. I'm going on a beach to Mexico. I'm like, I'm eating tuna out the can right now. Fucker. Trying to get the tuna out the bag. You know what I mean? Those bag ones.

I mean, bag tuna. Loose tuna. I love my agent. I'm not talking about my agent. I'm talking just agents in general. Yeah, I'm not talking about my agent either. But yeah, agent. That would be my last one. I'm Jewish and I in general. Yeah, I'm not talking about my agent either. But yeah, agent. That would be my last one.

I'm Jewish and I can be disingenuous. Yeah, you are disingenuous. Yeah, yeah. You also, if you need to make the call where it's like, this project is fucking happening and get on board. Oh my God, I can absolutely. Don't you fuck me, Rebecca. Like I can do that. Sounds like a silencer went off.

I can say almost any other Jewish name in there. Don't you fuck me, Ben! Wait, is Ben a Jewish name? Oh, Benjamin? A lot of Jewish Benjamins. Really? Yeah, yeah. Is that because of the money?

No, it's not. I understand. I understand. I understand. I think it might be biblical or something. Sometimes you shoot your shot and it doesn't go in. Ben Yaman. You and Nick Young on that.

But yeah, Agent. I'm going to put that. David, time for your final pick. Also, is Benji short for Benjamin? Yes. Okay. You know a lot of Benjis, don't you? Yeah.

I don't know. I know a couple Benjis. Fewer Jewish Benjis. I know some Rustys. Ooh, not a lot of Jewish Rustys. I know a kid named Rusty Booth. All right, anyways, shout out to Rusty Booth. My last one would be i want to be

a sf muni driver oh wow i just like i knew a kid so it's like you look like an sf muni driver exactly like my whole everything and like i knew a dude who was trying to do it and it's like not that easy to do so a lot of it is guys who went to prison what yeah yeah yeah and then when you get out of prison there's like this job you get where you clean muni buses at night. Yeah. And you do that for like, I think a year or a year or so, and then you can start being a muni driver.

So you're in a system. But it pays hella money. Once again, a lot of regulars. Sometimes it's spicy at night. Yeah. You get to know the city real well. I just think that would be a fun life. A lot of flirting too. Yeah, a lot of flirting. Oh yeah a lot of yeah like just fun no fucking but flirting for sure

yeah yeah yeah because you know yeah you see it all the time people like sitting at the front just like talking to the bus i just think it'd be a really fun way to see a lot of people i had a bus driver once like show me videos on his phone and i was like, you're driving a bus. Also, Steve Hills. Also, minority teens are just so funny. That's true. The funniest. Yeah, and I could hear that. Like, there'd be sometimes on the bus,

like, I'd be driving, going through, like, the mission or some shit, like, at, like, four o'clock and all these teens would be on the bus and you'd just be hearing them and they were just so funny. Snapping on people. Yeah, and then at nighttime it's like, yeah, I think it would just be fun to have a good round. You'd have a lot of stories to tell. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you'd have a lot of stories.

And you'd have a good laugh, so it would enable them, and they would love it. Yeah. Oh, man. If you heard the bus driver cracking up at something she said, then you would just go way harder. And then the indignant older white woman is like, sir, aren't you going to do something about these hooligans? Nah, bitch. Turn up that YG, you know what I mean? That's the fucking

bus driver, that's the middle schooler equivalent of hearing Conan laugh, is when the bus driver Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, for sure. Like, yeah, I would love it. I think it's just like, I could see myself doing it for years. It would change up enough to keep it interesting. I could, like, you could see myself doing it for years. Yes. It would change up enough to keep it interesting. Oh, they throw you a different route?

Yeah, you get a different route. Yeah, I think I would really like to be a muni driver. You're waiting at the bus stop, and then you're the bus driver. Everyone's like, fuck yeah. Hell yeah. Maybe when I get old and I'm slowing down, then they just put me in one of those toll booths, like the underground station.

And then that's kind of like where i where i where i ride it out till the end i rode buses in portland for the six years that i lived there and people all the time would be like oh you ride buses and you're like it's fun i've been that's the other thing i've been riding the bus since i was a kid like when we because my mom's cars were so bad when i was a kid i just oh i've been a bus ride riding motherfucker my whole life. Why not give back to the system that gave so much to me? Bus driver. Bus driver.

Bus driver. Excellent. Marcella, your final pick. My final pick is a Kardashian because if Khloe gets to be one, why can't I? I just wanted to say that. Yeah, I know. She's OJ's daughter. What. She's OJ's daughter.

What? She's OJ's daughter. Do people say that? I believe that. Yeah. No, I don't know anything about them. That's why you didn't get the joke, David. Yeah, no, I didn't understand it at all.

That's why I said, that's why Ian laughed. I thought you meant because she was so tall. No, well, she's so tall because she's OJ's daughter. Yeah. She's really, that's confirmed? A lot of people think that. That makes, oh, OJ. Yeah's confirmed? A lot of people think that. That makes, oh, OJ. Yeah.

A lot of people think that. She's like way taller than the other Kardashians. She looks different than the other Kardashians. Yeah, her face is different. I don't even look at them that close. Yeah, they look very different. Hilarious. Okay, let me redo the thing so then you can laugh

and get the joke in. God damn it. It's not gonna work. It's just a timing thing. I understand why it was a great joke, though. Yeah. Thank you. I just need to leave, so I'm trying to keep this moving.

Zach Toscana, your final pick. My final pick. This one's tough. Got a lot left on the board, but I'm going to go with... There's a lot of things I need to be. Yeah. I'm going to go town barber oh I like that for you that's a good job

I almost went psychiatrist but I feel like you're knowing too much about people barber is perfect amount 45 minutes at the most you know if it gets down it doesn't get like too down I'm across the street from the gas station where you work so you come in sometimes 45 minutes at the most. Yeah. Yeah. You know? If it gets down, it doesn't get like too down. Right. I'm across the street from the gas station where you work, so you come in sometimes.

That is a life. Right? That's good. I'll give you free whatever. Slurpees. You give me free cuts. I get free drips from the gas. Yeah.

Yeah. And I'll buy. I'll sell you weed. I will buy it. Yeah. And we can smoke behind the barbershop. Yes. The weatherman needs a haircut.

Eddie needs some weed. Weed for sure. behind the barbershop. Yes. The weatherman needs a haircut. And he needs some weed. Weed, for sure. Frank Zappa? No. Oh, all right. All right. You live on the road. Yeah, I'm a very exciting life.

A lot of crazy three ways. Excellent final pick. To recap, I went first and took weatherman, scuba dive instructor in a small sleepy beach town, pizza place owner, crooked senator, and then Hollywood agent. Yeah. David, you went second. You took professional wrestling manager, gas station attendant, middle school defensive line coach, radio DJ, and San Francisco municipal bus driver. I'm never going to make any money. That's a telling thing. you're too good at being

broke. Marcella, you went third. You took professional wrestler, doctor or lawyer, a job you took because you succumbed to your immigrant parents' pressure to become something successful and serious. A professional impressionist, specifically Frank Zappa, Cher, or Michael

Jackson. Four, pop singer. Five, a Kardashian, which if that were an earlier round pick, I feel like we'd have to have a big discussion about, but as it is a fifth rounder, letting it slide. Zach Toscani, professional tennis player,

park ranger in one of those big wildfire spotting towers, research and development at Lego, power washer, or small town barber excellent picks yeah that was great like you said we left i left some stuff on the board chef uh rabbi for me i had a call center manager in another country whoa because then it'd be like it's like you it's like an upper middle class job yeah like in like costa rica Landscaping? I thought about doing that before comedy. Landscaping. Yeah.

Designing people's yards and stuff. Oh, designing it. Yeah. You know, as a job, that's the hardest job. But you're the guy in charge. I did landscaping for a couple summers. You would hire immigrants. Legal immigrants.

Because they work so hard. Yeah. And they're cheap labor. Yeah. They'd be taking the jobs from me. Last one, a bar owner in a snowboard town. Like an out cold. Yeah.

I also thought of out cold just immediately. Oh, out cold. All excellent picks. We want to hear yours as well. Please send those to us on Twitter. Shout out to everyone on Twitter. Shout out to everyone on Instagram. Shout out to the AFE subreddit. Any shout outs? Shout out to De on Twitter. Shout out to everyone on Twitter. Shout out to everyone on Instagram. Shout out to the AFE subreddit.

Any shout outs? Shout out to Deidre. The chick that dated the guy that Deidre. Yeah. And shout out to who was the guy that you

I just love when you guys give shout outs to people that aren't going to listen to the podcast. Rusty Booth. Shout out to Rusty Booth. Shout out to Rusty Booth. No shout outs to Shane.

Hope it's going good for you. Shout out to Frankie Oja. Shout out to Nate Stoller, my wrestler friend who definitely won't listen to thisy Booth. No shout outs to Shane. Hope it's going good for you. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Nate Stoller, my wrestler friend who definitely won't listen to this. Oh, yeah. Oh, shout out to Coach Ed Bendocas, one of the best line coaches. Shout out to Beyonce, who tonight will be doing Coachella. This will air at a later date, but that's what she's doing tonight. Yeah, bless up, bless up.

Hope it goes well. Yeah. Bieber in the crowd. Kendrick came out with Vince Staples. People talk shit about Coachella, and it's fun, man. I bet it would be fun I loved it the year I went I feel like it could be fun

I feel like you gotta go with a good group of friends you gotta have a little money to blow you definitely can't go there keyword blows I don't generally like the majority of people in any crowd I'm in that doesn't matter if I go to a baseball game,

I'm like, everybody's a bunch of fucking assholes. But festivals can be fun. Yes. Yeah, festivals can be fun. Everyone's dunking on Coachella on Twitter and it's like, none of you have been. They're just mad because they can't afford to go. Yeah, they're hella mad it's not an option.

Because if you know how to be outside and enjoy the company of your friends, you can have a good time. Sometimes you're there and the molly kicks in right as the LCD sound system takes the stage. That's all you need. Sometimes that happens. And imagine being in the front or side area and Rihanna comes walking by.

Yes. I can't. That shit happens. I don't even know what I would. I saw Memphis Bleak one time and I lost it. We were in Vegas. Yeah. Yeah.

I yelled at him. I'm not even that guy. He was down. And that's when Jordan Farmar came up and said hello to me. Yeah, that was a crazy 10 minutes. I don't know who he thought I was. Oh, yeah. That was really cool.

You said Farmar first. I did. And then he stopped and talked. But he did. He stopped and talked. Like, he recognized your face, at least. That's all you need. I'll take it.

I'll take it. Bleak did not. No. Bleak had places to be. He for sure kept walking out. Shout out to that Jay-Z concert. Shout out to super producer Marissa, the entire country of Canada. And most importantly, huh?

Yeah, that is the entire country of Canada. That's his name. Marissa and the entire country of Canada. It's like Florence and the Machine. Oh, okay, good. ECC. The Machine. The Machine.

Shout out to the Hebe from Toronto Yeah the Hebe from Toronto We're all going to get in trouble I guess I said a racial slur the first time I was on here And I got some messages about that and I was like I'm sure I did What do you want me to say Yeah we're going to say it again If the Anti-Defamation League wants to cite this podcast

It will be the second time I've been cited by the Anti-Defamation League I'm so glad you said that Because I did not know what ADL meant. That's the anti-ADL. I played it cool, but I didn't know what you guys were talking about. They got mad at me when I was on Chelsea lately because the German soccer team won the World Cup and I said I was on the panel. I was like, I'm happy for

them. It's nice if they have something gold that they didn't rip out of my grandmother's mouth. And then our show got in trouble. That's a great joke. That's a great joke. Anyway, most importantly, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of

All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity. that was a hate gun podcast