All Fantasy Everything - Animal Fight (w/ Brooks Wheelan, Beth Stelling, and David Gborie)

Episode Date: March 8, 2018

It's a clash of the animal kingdoms on this week's All Fantasy Everything. Karmel and Gborie are joined by comedians Brooks Wheelan and Beth Stelling to draft animal armies! It's... it's weird. It starts weird and stays weird the whole time. You're gonna love it. All Fantasy Everything is coming to Austin! See us March 10th at the North Door as part of HeadGum Live. We'll be performing with friends of the podcast, Miel Bredouw and Demi Adejuyigbe from the Punch Up The Jam podcast. It's going to be a party. Marissa promises! Click for tickets.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that, uh... Whoa, is this the first time you've done it? I just always forget how to do the intro. It is weird because you've done, like, 80. I've done so many of it. It's always you. No one else has ever done it. I know, and I think I've blown it half the time.

I'm sitting here supportive and waiting. Thank you, Ben. It is tough to go from a normal conversation with your friends into, and now I have to start the thing. Presentational podcast voice. Posting's hard. Yeah. Anyway, it's that podcast.

That's the podcast that it is. What's it called again? All Fantasy Everything. Okay. The Fantasy Draft Pop Culture Podcast. We are here in beautiful downtown Los Angeles at the HeadGum Studio. Oh, yeah. Here today for a very special draft.

They're all very special. We're joined here today. You guys can talk the whole time. Oh, yeah. You can come in. Yeah, we've been. You've been talking. Yeah.

We're here with Brooks Whelan. Yes. At Brooks Whelan on Twitter. Sure. And is it just at Brooks Whelan on Instagram as well? Sure, yeah. My mom actually here with Brooks Whelan. Yes. At Brooks Whelan on Twitter. Sure. And is it just at Brooks Whelan on Instagram as well? Sure, yeah. My mom actually pronounces it Whelan. Who?

My mom. Yeah, I mean, a lot of people. I mean, that's how you're supposed to do it, I think. Whelan? Well, the original spelling is like W-H-E-L-A-N, but then when my ancestors got here, I guess they were just like- They're like Whelan. Whelan.

And they're like two E's and they're like, I don't know. Yeah. I'm just- Whelan and Whelan. They have potatoes here. two E's, and they're like, I don't know. Whelan and D-Lan. They have potatoes here. Are you an Irish? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I-

I feel the Irish. Yep. Full blonde? No, who knows? I asked my dad when I was like, I asked my dad when I was like eight, like curious. I was like, dad, what are we? And he was like, you're American. And I was like, yeah, but where are our ancestors from?

And then he just goes, Missouri. Missouri. And then he drove you to wrestling practice. Yeah, exactly. Let's get out. And then he was like, you need to stop watching those Lucky Charms commercials. Have you ever wanted to do one of those 23andMe things to figure out exactly what kind of I had one one time from like a swag bag and I got drunk and left it.

Aw. No, I was. Wait, they gave you 23, like at a festival? It was sponsored. It was at the Streamy Awards. Oh. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Knowing what we now know about YouTube and how many white supremacists are on there. Oh, really? It's a little weird that they were giving out like genetic purity tests. Yeah, well, this was,

they were, I don't think any white supremacists were winning any of these awards or watching this awards show. You know, you never can tell though. You don't know. Yeah, you can't. That's how this was... I don't think any white supremacists were winning any of these awards or watching this awards show. You know you never can tell, though? You don't know. That's how this Trump thing happened. It's the exact one. David and I are white supremacists. Crazy! This podcast!

We are white supremacists. What's that guy's name? Gavin McGinnis walks in like, he owns HeadGum. He comes here to grow his beard and then leave. It was a sting. All right, well, let's move on. OK, wait.

Do you have anything coming up that you want to, this is going to come up this Thursday? Anything you want to direct people to? Oh, I'm in Dallas this weekend doing shows. Hell yeah, go out to Dallas. And then I'll be at South by Southwest the next weekend. Oh, fantastic. Oh, you're there when the bands are there. Just, yeah, I get in like the last, I do like the last comedy thing.

That's great. On Thursday? Yeah. Oh, I'll be there. like the last, I do like the last comedy thing. That's great. On Thursday? Yeah. I'll be there. I'm going to save that for when it comes. I'll be there Monday and Tuesday. Oh, really? You're there Monday and Tuesday?

But I'm at Zany's Nashville this weekend. Ooh, yeah. That's Friday and Saturday. Dude, I'm just going to be at Barton Springs. If you want to catch my real set. That's amazing. I'll be at Barton Springs in Austin in two weeks. Just laying on a rock?

Have you ever been? Not yet. It's the best. Is it warm? It's so warm. It's great. It's like just a bunch of college kids, and it's like a stream that you get to play in. Okay.

I recommend it. You can rent kayaks and bring wine on the kayaks. You kayak out onto the river. That sounds perfect. That overlooks Austin. Sounds dangerous. I'm going when I'm there for Moon Tower. I'm for sure going.

Right, but what month is it? It's March. I did it with Santino and Brent Moore last time I was there. Wasn't it kind of when I'm there for Moon Tower. I'm for sure. Right, but what month is it? It's March. I did it with Santino and Brent Morin last time I was there. Wasn't it kind of cold? That was for Moon Tower, so it might be cold this time. A little warmer. But I was there. Isn't that colder than Austin?

Who knows? I'll check the weather. Come out to the shows and find out if it's warm enough for Brooks. Yeah, and just listen to my podcast. Yeah. Oh, God, plug that. Yeah, that's the only thing I care about right now. Tell them about it.

That's the only thing that actually makes money. Entry level. It's a podcast where Beth has been on it. I just did it. I gotta have David and Ian on. We go over all the bad jobs you used to have. Oh, man. So many of them. Beth and I used to have sad lunch at Subway together.

When it was still kind of real food. Subway used to be what was up. I used to love Subway when I was growing up. Beth and I worked down the street from each other in Pasadena. Yeah. And we would meet. And we would meet and be so sad. And be like, I don't know if this comedy thing's ever going to happen.

And then I'd put my apron back on and walk down the alley. And then you would go back in the alley and make coffee. Espresso drinks. And then I would go to Target and waste time. What kind of sandwich did you get? Oh, zoning. Yeah, that was great. I got turkey probe, lettuce, tomato, onion, sometimes most of the meal.

I got to be honest, once they got rid of that seafood sensation, I was done. Very upsetting. I love the seafood sensation. I am from Colorado. That was a thing? Oh, yeah, seafood sensation? Seafood sensation was amazing. Yeah.

They still have it in Australia. I was just recently in Melbourne. Melbourne. I ate at Subway four times in the three days I was there. Guys, for me, the seafood is not going to happen at a Subway. It scares me. Is it just like a bowl of seafood? Yeah, it's a bowl of slop.

It's crab with a K. It is like a bowl of slop. And it's like really runny mayonnaise. It's crab with a K. It's crab with a K and like watery mayonnaise. He's a white supremacist. Yeah, that's right. And then you bring a gallon of milk.

You do the Okie Dok symbol. Do you put cheese on it? I didn't. It was just straight up lettuce and the crab and then I'd even put more mayo on it. Yeah.

Because I just had a tuna melt for the first time at Subway. Ooh, yeah. I love a tuna melt. Two hours ago at Union Station. Wow. You were desperate.

I went by Union Station on my way here, obviously, and I thought it was a Scientology building momentarily. It looks like that from the inside as well. Yeah, it was briefly alarming. Do you guys find yourself

only eating at Subway in desperate measures now? Yeah. I haven't eaten there in years. Like when I can't like leave a place or like an airport or something. You're like,

I need sustenance. Sure. The last time I ate Subway I was at the Tacoma Comedy Club and it was the only thing that was open. It's good. You know what I need to do?

I want to do an app or a website where we all go and like rate the clubs. We should have a little private Yelp. Because we're all different comics and it's like, what's good for him is not I need to do? I want to do an app or a website where we all go and rate the clubs. We should have a little private Yelp. Because we're all different comics. And it's like, what's good for him is not going to be good for me. No, but we all know.

There's five that we all know. That are good or bad? That are good. That are good. And then the other ones are crapshoots. And then there are bad ones. Yeah. I have to be like, am I going to be OK here?

And then it's coming to that. I mean, we know you're going to be good at Madison. You know you're going to be good at Minneapolis, at Acme, Bloomington. Comedy Works. Comedy Works. Comedy Works. Comedy Works, I'd say, is more of a crapshoot than those three by far. Really? Madison is like.

You get rowdy. You get some rowdy routes. I'm from Colorado, though, so it's. So it's your home, yeah. Helium in Portland's usually really good. I was just going to say Helium. Helium in Portland's great, yeah. Helium St. Louis, I just did last week.

Good? It was good. Those are the five. Those are like the tier that you're like, no matter what, you're going to have a good time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Gold standards. And then you got some, you know, Stanford and Son. Stanford and Son? Yeah, you're like, you might have a couple good shows. Did you guys do that?

You know what's the new, my new favorite club is the one in Burlington, Vermont. Yeah, I love that one. You did it? No shit. Vermont Comedy Club. A bunch of people have told me. So good. I want to go to Burlington, Vermont. It's great. I want. You did it? No shit. Vermont Comedy Club. A bunch of people have told me.

So good. I want to go to Burlington, Vermont. It's great. I want to have a chai tea latte. I want to have fresh syrup. I cut my hands over it. You can get one anywhere. Yeah.

My joke there is like Burlington, Vermont is like if my aunt Susan played Sim City, she would build. It's just the widest aunt town ever. It's nothing but bikes to rent and fro-yo. Ben and Jerry's. Ohyo. Ben and Jerry's. Oh yeah, Ben and Jerry's. Is that where they're from? You can take a tour of their original factory.

I want that life. I want to wear a thick wool sweater with a rolled neck. Not to brag, but Ben follows me on Twitter. Rolled neck sweater, you get a little nervous. I feel like it makes my head look like a nut. I just put a secret message into the podcast. Yeah, what was going on over there?

Also, here's Beth Stelling. We have Beth Stelling in the house. My mom pronounces it Stally. Oh, Stalling. Joseph Stalling in the house. At Beth Stelling on Twitter. That's right. Beth Stelling on Instagram as well.

That's right. Yeah, cross-platform. Plug my podcast. I was on well. That's right. Yeah, cross-platform. Plug my podcast. I was on Brooks Whalen's podcast. Yeah, you know. That's it. What do you got coming up? So Zany's Nashville this weekend.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I'm early shows. And then Dan Soder is late shows. That's fun. So we're not co-headlining. We're each headlining. But I'm early crowd. He's late crowd.

So you only do three shows total? Mm-hmm. Dream. Doesn each headlining, but I'm early crowd. He's late crowd. So you only do three shows total? Mm-hmm. Dream. Doesn't that sound amazing? Living it. Living it. And you get the early shows? Mm-hmm.

That's the best. That is the best. And then you can go have dinner. I did Zany's Nashville one time, and Jack White came to the early show and then left a note that said, with the guy, he's like, hey, I'm going to be here having dinner. Tell Brooks to come. Whoa. I was so excited. I hope he said that for me. I tell Brooks to come. Whoa. I was so excited.

I hope he said that for me. I sped through the second show. Like, I did maybe 25. Supposed to do 45. And I got there and he had already left. No! But some of the other guys from the Raccoon Tours were there and they were real cool.

That's cool. I loved that album. I almost forgot until you just said Raccoon Tours. That came out when we were in Chicago. I loved it. I listened to it a lot. Either way, you're going to have the fucking best time at Zany's. Thank you.

And Nashville's so fun. Yeah, I'm excited. Plus, you got Soder. Soder's going to be there with me. And then South by Southwest Monday, Tuesday. Tuesday. And then, you know, keeps going. I'm going to text you.

I'm going to text you. On and on and on. Go to sweetbeth.com backslash tour. Sorry, I stepped on that. Say it again. No, they heard it. I've been sending all kinds of secret messages to them. BethSelling.com slash tour. Sweetbeth.com backslash tour. Sorry, I stepped on that. Say it again. No, they heard it. I've been sending all kinds of secret messages to them. Bethselling.com slash tour.

Sweetbeth.com backslash tour. Sweetbeth.com backslash tour. Yeah, I mean, you know, sweetbeth.com. Go there and I don't know, find your city. It'll be there. Go to the website. Yeah, click around. And if you're a college student, I might be coming to your college too.

Holy fuck. We have a lot of college students who listen to this. Yeah, you have a lot of college dropouts. University of New Mexico, University of Virginia students who listen to this. Yeah. We have a lot of college dropouts. University of New Mexico. University of Virginia. We got to talk agents. That's also on sweetbub.com. Speaking of agents, we have an All Fantasy Everything secret agent.

Free agent. Free agent. International Waters. Yes, yes. At the GS Island on Twitter. Yep. Still coolguyjokestar87 on Instagram. Instagram.

Amazing. Coolguyjokestar87, never give it up. I didn't believe in the platform. I was like that on Snapchat, and it turned out I was right, but there was for a while where it was like, it's next, and I'm like, fuck, my name's IK Cool Jew or whatever. What was it? I don't know. It might have been IK Cool Jew. I haven't checked it in so long.

I haven't either. I don't know how it works. It IK Cool Jew. I haven't checked it in so long. I don't have it either. It's basically a private boobs app. That's like what it turned into. I have a couple of dudes that send me what they're up to. And I just mean like truly, look, I had a sandwich today. Yeah. Nothing sexual. With my like old girlfriend, we would send each other.

I like the filter version. Sure. This is pre-Instagram having filters. So I liked it for the filter. It was just me and her playing with the filters. But now Instagram's got that. Instagram just took their chain fully. How did that happen? They just did it. Those guys were offered

like $3 billion and they said no. The Snapchat guys. And they were like, no, we're not selling? They're like, no. It's going to get big. Yeah, this is real. That's big. $3 billion is big. So they turned it down and now they're broke. Now they own, well, they're still working.

And they own a bunch of Venice now because they used a bunch of their investor capital money to buy property in Venice. Here? Here, California. I was wondering too. The sinking one. The sinking one. Yeah, I was like, that's going to be gone.

They love bad ideas. It's going cheap. They love bad ideas. David, where are you going to be, man? Oh, I'm going to be at South by Southwest. Yuck. We have that live show on Saturday. March 10th, 4.30 p.m. at the North Door in Austin, Texas.

Yes. I love that venue. I think I get that. Is that Thursday? That's Saturday. No, that's Saturday. That's September. Oh, never mind.

So what is it, you guys? We're doing a live old fantasy everything. Amazing. Get there. Secret guests. I think it's just going to be the three of us because we only have an hour. And we're going to, I think, I think we're going to be drafting alcoholic beverages. Oh, cocktails for the crowd.

Cocktails. And then drinking those cocktails while we do the podcast. Oh, yeah. That's great. You got to keep it. You got to keep it. We have to get not too drunk, though, because me and you are also on a show. Oh, at 8 o'clock with James Davis and Friends.

Ooh. Yeah. We're on the show James Davis and Friends with Equally Good Credits. It's going to be good. Yeah. I'm the last one before just the blank face that says special guest. So it's going to be one, two, three? What one was that?

Marissa's going to be there, too, though. Yeah, Sean Jordan's going to be one, two, three? What one was that? Marissa's going to be there too. Oh, Sean Jordan. Yeah, Sean Jordan. Yeah, I've never gotten to have a me and friends. Me neither. How do you get to be me and friends? I got one once at the Ice House, and I got to tell you, my friends, far more qualified than I was at the time.

Yeah, right? It was like Solomon and stuff. It was really fun. I've had Ian Carmel and Well Wishers, but never friends. Yeah, I mean, but that was your choice, right? No, no. I haven't even had that. That was just a completely different thing.

Oh, I kind of like that. That was like, that's every show for you. Yeah, Ian Carmel, Well Wishers. I hope things work out. Yeah. Your new Beth Friends? Yeah, that's good. Beth Friends forever?

I've had like the improv show where you get to do time and then have your buds. I did that, yeah. Yeah, one time I was showcasing my hour for Comedy Central and so it was just going to be Andrew Santino was going to do 15 and then I was going to do an hour, just a tight show.

And then they came up to me and Comedy Central was there and they were like, Bill Burr's here. He wants to drop in. I'm like, of course he can. He did 20 tight minutes. It wasn't new.

I'd seen it. I was like, what the fuck, man? He burned it down and I can't fall. It was awesome. That's treachery. It's fun to watch. It was great it. And I was like, what the fuck, man? He burned it down. And I can't fault. It was awesome. That's treachery. It's fun to watch. It was great.

And then I was like, dude, I got to do an hour. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It was a long hour, man. And friend plus Bill Burr. Great. But that was a real bummer. How'd the hour go?

Not good? I mean, it was also. I'm sure you got them eventually. You're very funny. No, it worked. It was like right post breakup when I was an emotional basket case and didn't know how to handle people. So, Comedy Central was like, come back once you've handled yourself.

Good on them, though. Yeah. That was nice. No, if I had put that hour out, I would be so sad right now. Yeah. I'd be like, oh, God. That guy's a wreck. It would have been a reflection of a time period.

Yeah, that's all we're looking for. Oh, wait. What else you got? Before I forget, yeah, I'm going to be at South by Southwest the rest of the week, too. Yes. You can just look that up on their website. And the next weekend, the weekend after that, I'm going to be in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Are you doing the festival?

The Gildas. I did that last year. It's really fun. I'm excited. It looks like fun. Laugh Fest. It's so nice. The people that last year. It's really fun. I'm excited. It looks like fun. Laugh Fest. It's so nice. The people who run it are so nice.

Oh, I'm excited. So I'm going to be there, and then after that, I'm going to Las Vegas. Are you going to Las Vegas? Just to hang out. Just to hang out? You were in Vegas this weekend. I was dressed in Vegas this weekend. I watched your-

No, Colin. Sir Elton John took my mom for her birthday. No. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Yeah, I watched your heroin story. Yeah, I flew Sue Carmel to Vegas and she was waiting. I had the tickets to the Elton John show,

but I couldn't miss work that day, so I was at work. I left early. My flight was supposed to land in Vegas at 6.10. I get to the airport. Are you talking Burbank or LAX? I'm talking LAX. Oh, you're fucked. I know, I was fucked, so I'm sitting there. You gotta do Burbank to make it. But I was from West Hollywood.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm sitting there and I'm waiting for the plane and then it gets delayed an hour. No. And I was gonna land at 610. The show's at 730. No. Now I'm landing at 710. And my mom's there in Las Vegas telling the people at the... She's like,

he's coming, he's coming. He's gonna have his luggage. Is it okay if he keeps his luggage at the, she's like, he's coming, he's coming. He's going to have his luggage. Is it okay if he keeps his luggage here? And she's giving him a sob story. And they're like, okay, we never do that, but he can keep his luggage here. So I land at 710. I'm in a cab by 715. The cab misses an exit.

No. What? Misses a fucking exit. The airport's already right on the strip. It's so close. It's so close. It goes like Caesars Airport. You can walk to the M right on the strip. It's so close. It's so close. It goes like Caesars Airport. You can walk to the MGM from the airport.

It's insane. So he misses an exit, and then he drops me off. I think it was at Caesars. I can't remember this point. I was so flustered. At like 725, me, all 300 pounds of me,

holding two, like a duffel bag and a backpack, sprinting. Do you have shorts or pants on? Pants on. Thank God. Because I knew I was going to have to go right to the gig. But the duffel bag.

Right to the gig? Like you're opening for him? Yeah, I'd open for Elton. But I have, and they're both camouflaged. So I'm like, given the recent events in Las Vegas. Right, not a good idea. I'm like, shit, like a big dude, a big shady looking dude maybe. Like looking around. Sprinting through the airport holding like a duffel bag and a big shady looking dude maybe. Like looking around.

Sprinting through the airport holding like a duffel bag and a backpack that's camo. So then I took it down to a light jog. Yeah. And I got there. We get in. We sit down right as Elton plays the first chords of the first song. That's great. Right as it happens.

It was amazing. Come on. Get him to the Greek. That was you. Got him to the Greek. You got him to the Greek. And then they stole from your bags. They probably, if they rifled through them, go the fuck ahead.

It was worth it. And then took Ma to dinner and then we went to see Beatles Love. Oh, I cried at that. That was so good. I'm trying to think about what I saw. I didn't like that. You didn't like that one? I can't remember what I saw.

I had the thing where I was so hungover that literally anything would have made me cry. Okay. Would you mix that with also being on an airplane and then you'll just cry at thoughts? Oh, yeah. I watched a Vietnam documentary coming from New York back to LA recently and I was shook. Yeah. Shook me. They'll tell you that.

Comedy Cellar's opening in Vegas. I'm going to be there in May. Oh, that's fantastic. So people should, if they're in Vegas- Go see Beth in May in Vegas. I'm going to be there in May. Oh, that's fantastic. So people should, if they're in Vegas, Comedy Cellar's starting to do shows I think as early as April. Like Phil Hanley's on it,

Dove Davidoff. Well, oh, that's great. If there's one thing that is a great idea, it's opening a comedy club in Vegas. Well, I really am optimistic because they're so good

at what they do. Yeah, they do a good job. Is this going to be a good comedy club in Vegas? I don't need any. It's the Tropic Vegas? I don't need any gigs in Vegas. I don't need any. I'll never. I don't need to be there.

It's always so long. I gave myself like seven days of gigs in Vegas. I self-exiled myself. Yeah, nine shows. Yeah. I've never done one bar show and then. You have to do nine shows there? I'd kill me.

That's how it always is. You got to get there. Like, what are you getting there on Tuesday? It's actually Thursday through Sunday. Whoa. Whoa. But. Can you do three shows a night? Three, three, three? Uh, I don't know. I guess. Or three, four. You guys, I think it's three. He made your

math. I think it's gonna go great. Thank you, buddy. I think it's gonna go great. You're gonna have a wonderful time. I think that's two, three, three. Julian McCullough was also optimistic. It is. He was optimistic? He'll be there. Yeah, because I text him like, what do you think? Well, no, I'm optimistic. You'll do good. I'm just not optimistic in anything that's good working in Vegas.

I hear you. We'll see. Elton John. Yeah, try everything. Elton John worked. Actually, a lot of people. Yeah, but he's not staying in Vegas. The crowd wasn't great. You're kidding me.

Are you serious? The crowd was not great. I'm like, it's fucking Elton John. How do you not be grateful? My mom and I were two of the first ones up dancing. It was like, get up and fucking dance. It's Elton John. Were they just sitting there?

Yeah. Like, this isn't as good as Branson. Sourpuss in some of them, too. Sourpuss in Sir Elton John? It was sourpuss in Lord of the Realm. My girlfriend one time saw Britney Spears in Vegas, and she said the woman next to her had opera glasses and was alone. No.

She watched Britney Spears with opera glasses from the crowd. That's incredible. That's the worst. Like Sally Eri watching Mozart. That's the best story ever. I would go hard for Britney Spears too.

I just like live performance. No, but I'm saying to see a woman alone being like, she was alone? It's time for Britney. Yeah. She was there

to kill Britney Spears. Yeah, you're right. For sure. For sure. Some people are just, some of these people who go see these shows that could have been

her first and only or could have been her 700th time. Right. You know what I mean? Some people go to these things. You have no idea. Like every year, huh?

My friend Noah Galvin took over on Broadway for Dear Evan Hansen. He took over for Ben Platt for A Limited Run and he said that there were these like two women who would come every night.

They're like, They're the old hello guys oh yeah I mean yeah and they had their PhDs like these educated women you know what I mean it's not just like

crazy folk yeah yeah yeah come every night for this Broadway show I can't even watch a movie twice no not anymore no no no

not unless it's Get Out right uh huh yeah that's true I watched it twice I thought I was screamed in the. I thought a couple times. I was screamed in the theater. I'm a little bit of a scaredy cat.

You're a screamer? Oh, I was so scared in the movie theater. Like in theater screaming? I don't want to do it. I can't help it. Yeah. I screamed. Like loud?

Scared, yes. Nice. Another digression into Oscars, but that should have fucking won the Best Picture. Oh, of course. It was the best. The Shape of Water. Shape of Water. I really love that movie.

I love Shape of Water. It felt like it was two movies. I thought Shape of It was the best. The Shape of Water. I really love that movie. I love Shape of Water. It felt like it was two movies. I thought Shape of Water was directed well. I love the directing. You know who should have won something? Is that guy, is his name Richard Bell? No, no, no. Richard Bell.

Richard Jenkins. Thank you, Jenkins. Richard Jenkins. He was incredible. You know, but I just, I wanted Shape of Water to continue with Octavia Spencer's character afterwards because she let a government secret out and then her deaf friend just fucking bailed on her. Yeah.

She's going to jail and she's got a mean husband. I hated that guy. Out of the front and the front. Yeah. I was like, we really left out how bad her life is. Yeah, I think she was a hero. Wait, that was the best movie they said? She was a hero.

That's one best picture. Best motion picture. I'm just saying, what are we going to be, like, in a couple years, what are we going to be talking about that came out this year? Shape of Water 2. I, Tonya. Oh, you mean it, baby. I, Tonya, Get Out. Yeah. Yeah. I, Tonya, for sure. That came out this year, yeah. Anyway, today we are gathered here in the studio

to draft a very fun topic, a crazy topic. The opposite of Shape of Water, really. Yeah. We are drafting animals to be in our army. To protect us. To protect us against each other's animal armies. Yes.

We're in war. We're four different continents. Have we all seen Wakanda? No. I mean, Black Panther. No, I haven't seen Black Panther yet. I love Black Panther, but it's really good because it's like different.

It just is done so well. Yeah. At the end, there's just a fight of different people. Are we fighting? We're fighting. Or are we just getting ready in case? This is a world war. X-Animals. People who saw Black Panther know what scene I'm talking about.

I need to see Black Panther. Have you seen Black Panther? No, man. I've been on the road smoking weed. I agree. We went to go try to see it in St. Louis. Black Panther? No, man, I've been on the road and I'm just smoking weed. I agree. We went to go try to see it in St. Louis. Sold out, sold out, sold out, sold out. And the saddest part was seeing people come up in full on gear, ready to see it. Whoa, but still haven't been sold out.

Yes. Those might have been the St. Lunatics. Yeah, you're right. It was the St. Lunatics rolling up. Murphy Lee and Ali were trying to get in. You're right. The guy with the mask. The mask guy. He put the full Black Panther mask on just for that occasion.

Still turned away. Sneaking in pimp juice. Oh, man. I will say I'm ready for people to be done being like, if I lived in Wakanda. I know. Africa's real. Yeah. It's a real place.

I've been there. It's doing bad. Shut up. It's not like that. Oh, in Wakanda, we don't have jobs. Well, in Africa, they don't. Chadwick Boseman isn't hanging out. Yeah, give some money to Sierra Leone.

Shut up. Where have you been? I'm curious about where you've been. Sierra Leone, that's where I'm from. Okay. I knew, okay. I don't know. You've talked about that on stage.

No, I don't actually. You don't at all? No. I don't know. It just never comes up. Yeah, it never comes up while you're having a one-sided conversation with the audience? Oh, yeah. No.

No, no, no. Your stand-up? It just never comes up. It's up to you what comes up. I got other stuff I got to get to. I get it. I got all these other hot takes. I like how no matter what, Ryan Coogler, the director, will make something happen in Oakland.

That's where it starts. Yeah, yeah. Like, no matter what, he's like, yeah, Oakland, open on Oakland. This is a movie about Wakanda. We're going to get to Oakland. Creed somehow. He's living in Oakland. What the fuck?

I would do the same thing with Portland, though. Yeah, I get it. Wonder Woman would, like, hang out. If I directed Wonder Woman. She would be just a waitress at like Joe's Cellar or whatever. Yeah, exactly. And then she'd go to the Nike outlet. I recently, and then, sorry, we'll move on.

I saw a bar rescue where a dude bar rescued like a dive bar in Portland. And I'm like, they're going to burn this place down when you leave. Was it the tonic lounge that they turned into the panic room? I don't know what they did. They bar rescued that? Yeah, they bar rescued that. And then they bar unrescued that and turned it Was it the tonic lounge that they turned into the panic room? I don't know what they did. They bar rescued that? Yeah, they bar rescued that and then they bar unrescued that and turned it back

into the tonic room. Yeah, I was like, you're ruining what is cool about Portland Bar. These guys came in, I don't know if this is the same episode that you saw, but they came in

and took this perfectly good, although probably economically unsolvent dive bar, which is why we like going there. Yeah, exactly. And then they turned it into this like fucking like themed called the panic room. They just paint a particle board and put it up like it's molding. Yeah, exactly. And then they turned it into this fucking themed called The Panic Room.

They just paint a particle board and put it up like it's molding. Yeah, exactly. But I do love that show. It's a great show. I like the show, but you just watch middle-aged white man's dreams go down the toilet.

They're like, my bar's name is Eleanor. No, they flush them down the toilet. Yeah, and he's like, they flush them. They always like being shitty. Well, then he just shows up. He's like, your bar's the pit stop now. And they're like, but I don't even know NASCAR. What is that?

I love his self, what am I trying to say? Self-pleasing or self-satisfying smile. I like his little smile when he's like, we're going to do this. He'll be like, and we're calling it this. And then it just creeps across his face. And he's so pleased with himself. He's so excited about the name. He's changed it too. I feel like he sleeps

standing up with his eyes open. He's a horse. Oh yeah. Imagine him sleeping. He eats apples with just his lips. What is that guy, John Taffer is another guy's name? Yeah, yeah. John Taffer. He had a bar rescue. Oh yeah. He like fucks their wife immediately to show them who's the man. Yeah, yeah. To establish alpha dominance.

He's an animal, but not the animals that we're drafting on today's episode of All Fantasy Everything. Now, to determine the order of the draft, we play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors between the three of you. And here we go. We throw on shoot. On shoot, yeah. On shoot.

So you say rock, paper, scissors, shoot. And then shoot. All right. So here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Brooks is on. No, you win because you're the odd man out. That's how you do a three-way.

So, Brooks, you determine the order of the draft. Before you do pick the order of the draft, I want to remind you the serpentine draft. What does that mean, Ian? So that means if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Much like. So picture somebody like a game of table tennis or ping pong, right? Ping pong. So the ball travels from one side of the table to the other.

And it's over at the end of the other table. And it pongs all the way over, over. Yeah. P-I-N-G. P-O-N-G. I don't know if that's a great analogy. Okay, great. So you pick fourth of the first round.

You just explain ping pong to explain this. It's like a serpentine. It's the same thing. It goes one way and then comes back. It's like either way either way you got it what will be the order of the draft uh let's make it easy um because i i got i got the first i'm gonna we'll just go me beth david you great okay because it's just how that's i just have a quick question serpentine meaning this like this shoe yeah it's like yeah exactly it's like if you went around a um got it a horseshoe and then came I have a quick question. Serpentine meaning this, like this? Shoe? Yeah. Shoe. Yeah, exactly. It's like if you went around a horseshoe and then came back around.

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So hook yourself up with Bombfell. That's Bombfell. Open and clothes. Back to the episode. Brooks, with the first pick in the animals you want on your side in a big animal brawl. Do you pick all of them at once or just your first?

I pick one. Just your first one. I thought about this one and this is why I'm going first. This animal has killed more people than any other animal in the history of Earth.

Yeah. Rats. I'm going with rats. Rats army. If we go with an army of rats like that movie Ben. Yeah.

If we get a long siege, I'm sending fucking diseases towards you guys. Okay. Yeah. I'm talking, if this gets extended. Are you worried about the size issue? How many rats do you think is fair? I'm going to take a thousand rats. Whoa.

No, that's crazy. You need way more rats. You need way more rats. I don't know what you got on your list. So, okay. So I don't know. Yeah. on your list. So, okay. So I don't know. Yeah. So like.

If there's no limit to numbers, then. You put a thousand rats in this room. But you can't take like a thousand Tyrannosaurus rexes for a deal. No, you gotta be reasonable. There has to be some sort of model to this. I'm just saying, my animal is rats, okay? Okay. Because if we get sieged out, I'm rubbing smallpox all over them and they're headed your way.

You're the Pied Piper. You just have a bag of smallpox with you. Yeah. You're the Pied Piper. Yes. Okay. Rats. My sister had pet rats growing up, but they were cute.

I loved them. Sure, yeah. They're responsible for the plague, right? They've killed. They actually found out that the rats weren't as responsible for the plague as they thought. Oh, well, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was actually just people being gross.

Oh, that'll happen. Other diseases, though, still. Either way, rats. Yeah. I woke up once with a rat in my bed. No! Yeah, my sister's pet rat. Which makes it a little bit better.

How did you not kill it? It's not your fault if you kill it. Because I loved it. It's name was Debussy. But I mean, it's not your fault if you kill it. I would go like this. If I were just, ah, like chopped it right in half. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

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Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. You gotta pull it off. I haven't done the research. You can't unscrew it. I don't think I would throw it on accident. I feel like I'd accidentally kick it. No, okay. They are heavy, too. Like, you ever cleared out, like, rat traps from under a trailer or something? Rats are heavy.

Oof. I had rats in my New York apartment. It was always a bummer. How many rats do you think it would take to kill you personally? Oh, seven. Disease aside. No.

Disease aside. No disease. Disease aside. Disease aside, it's you. How many rats would take me down? They don't want to kill you. Dude. No disease. Disease aside. Disease aside, it's you. How many rats to take me down? They don't want to kill you. Dude. If they were compelled through either moral or...

15 rats? Once you go into survival mode... I'm stomping, but they're starting to bite me. I'm freaking out. I reach down. 15 rats aren't going to kill you, dude. No way. Not me.

Well, guess what? They're my animal, all right? I think it would never turn on me. I think I could fight 200 rats. I think that that's a more realistic assessment. You give me a stick, I'll kill most rats. Dude, if rats just like bit onto me and were hanging off of my clothes, I go stop, drop, and roll. And all of a sudden, I'm steamrolling rats.

I'm hitting the forearms on the wall. Guess what? My rats are not about fighting, okay? These rats are about getting diseases out there. Okay, this is germ warfare rats. This is germ warfare. Already got into chemical warfare. Since we have to, this is a unique draft,

and we have to make commissioner decisions on the fly, we're giving them 1,000 rats? I feel like, I don't know what you guys got on your list. Are you fine with 1,000 rats? We gotta give this dude 10,000 rats. That's a lot of rats. I'm over here improvising. I don't even have a list. Okay, great. Okay. 1,000 rats? We got to give this dude 10,000 rats. That's a lot of rats. I'm over here improvising. I don't even have a list.

Okay, great. Okay. 10,000 rats. I'm saying, trust me, when I get to where I'm going, when you see what I'm putting together, you're going to want 10,000 rats. Thank God we went this way. I think we'll know what's unreasonable amounts of animals. Okay, here we go.

Okay, yeah. All right. So, Brooks, you took rats with your first pick. I took rats. Okay. Just in general. It's time for your first pick for your animal army. My first pick, numbers of them aside, horse. A your first pick. I took rats. Just in general. It's time for your first pick for your animal army.

My first pick, numbers of them aside, horse. A horse? Yeah, I'm strategic. They changed the warfare game already. Cavalry was the biggest thing. So you're the one that defeated everyone. We'll give you a herd of horses. Okay.

So you're on one of these horses, which allows you to be more mobile. Everyone's on horses. Have you seen Dances with Wolves? Please. Yeah. That's fantastic. Great movie. That should win Best Picture this year. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm going horses. Horses. Have you seen Dances with Wolves? Please. Yeah. It's fantastic. Great movie. That's a good one. I get it. I picture this.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, I'm going horses. Horses. That's straight up. That's just a solid pick. Also, horses kick like a motherfucker. They kick.

Yeah. They kick like hell. Oh, yeah. Kick like hell. A horse paralyzed Superman. And they're going to love me. I'm going to do the whole thing where I make out with them and steal their breath and then give it back to them.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You deprive them of their breath and then you lock back to them. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you deprive them of their breath, and then you lock eyes with it, and then right before it's about to die, you breathe in its mouth, and it trusts you for the rest of your life. Breathe in its nose.

Is that a real move? Is this a horse strategy? And then it trusts you for the rest of its life. Is that what the horse whisperer is about? I think it's an ancient tradition. Nice. From where? I'm like, whoa,

I was going for it. Hey, Marissa, can you look that up? You made a room full of people uncomfortable. No, I was going to do it. I'm going to do that to people.

I'm going to do that to a cat tonight. I'm going to do that to Ian. I'm sorry. I'm going to do that to a cat tonight. Bring it within an inch of its life. Yeah. Trap its mouth shut. Yep.

And its nose. And then lock eyes with it. Wait for it to be like, uh-oh. Its eyes might start to go back a little bit. And then you put your mouth over. It's too nostril. So you go. Or maybe it's mouth.

You have to put its whole head in your mouth. Are you breathing carbon dioxide into its mouth? But they don't know. It's like CPR. Oh, okay. Yeah. Here's what I'm saying. I'm pretty sure that would work on me.

Yeah. You wake up. So, you know ladies while you were sleeping the prequel i guess it's a sequel horses would be good i would oh yeah horses would be good in a fight i wouldn't want to be kicked by a horse me neither i wouldn't want to be you would trampled by Me neither. I wouldn't want to be trampled by a horse. Here's the thing. My horse, are we talking about this already?

Because my horses would stomp all of his rats, but they could also get scared by his rats. And then they'd go crazy. Yeah, and kick me off. Then I'd get bit by a poison rat. These rats are like little movers, okay? Are we going there yet? We should get your animals. We're definitely going there. Okay.

No, we're going there the whole time. Okay, okay. My rats are very maneuverable. All right. They're fast. They're swift there the whole time. Okay, okay. My rats are very maneuverable. All right. They're fast. They're swift rats. Swift rats. Swift boats.

These are New York rats. We've got rats and horses. Streetwise rats. Two animals I didn't have on my list at all. No, man. Rats and horses. This is very interesting. David Borey, and it's time for your first pick.

So here's the thing. I'm thinking, I'm like, I want to be able to fight this fight everywhere. So I need people who are nasty but also get down in the water. Yep. So my first pick, hippopotamus. Damn it, fuck. I had a hippo facing it. Fuck, kill everybody.

That's what I want. Oh, damn it. Why don't we see more of those on YouTube, people getting killed by them? I don't know. Hippos fuck everything up. Really? Yeah. They kill people, too.

Their teeth look like empty bamboo. Yeah. They're not, though. Their teeth look like empty bamboo. Yeah. They're not, though. They're full. They're full bamboo. Hippos kill... The whole thing is hippos kill more people than crocodiles. You're kidding me.

Hippos kill... They're the most... They're deadly. They're mean. They're the deadliest animal in Africa, not counting insects. Hungry hippos is not a lie. What? Yeah.

Hungry hippos. Those are kids' brains. Yeah. They're hungry for the tears of your child. I just think I would be cool like riding here's what I'm thinking of we come out of the water right and I come up and I got

I'm on somehow two hippos you got one on each and you have like that rope yeah and I stand with the rope can I help paint this picture a little bit I think you're wearing that living color the band living color that like shorty wetsuit. Yeah. Too?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a body glove wetsuit? Yeah, but like all Wakanda'd out. Wakanda, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? I picture some sort of headband right here. There's got to be headband. There's got to be headband.

I picture more of like how Rihanna rides a jet ski, you know, both legs to one side. Oh, sidestyle. You come out sidestyle, all beautiful on a hippo. Sidestyle on a hippo? I like that because I think that I want them to be disarmed by beauty. That's what I'm saying. And surprised by my ferocity. And hippos look, which is a thing that,

that's the hippo's whole fucking message. They're so cute. Yeah, disarmed by my beauty, surprised by my ferocity. Hippopotamus means water horse. Water horse. Yeah. So Beth. Do I have some competition for you?

You do. You probably pull up my horse head in the water with your jaws. There's a video of a hippo. Your hippos are going to be so sick from my rats that I'm not even worried about them. I don't know. Sick takes days. Hippo flesh? Sick takes a while.

We're going to be under siege, baby. We can cool out in the water. We're hippos. All right, all right, all right. We can just live there. Yeah. I wanted the hippos so bad. I don't mind killing a couple rats, throwing them in that water, diseasing it up.

True. I don't know what diseases we're- Are you decomposing rats in water? That's going to be bad water. That's true. You're probably right. I don't know hippo immunities either as much. Yeah, there could be some hippo immunities in play.

I don't know what- I think so. I think so. How many hippos do you think? A herd of hippos? He's got 10,000 hippos, right? He's got 10,000 rats. 10,000 rats. So I think you have-

You've got a herd of horses. A herd of horses. A herd of horses. Give me 40 hippos. 40 hippos? Oh my God, you just won though. That's a lot of hippos. Is that a lot of hippos?

I think you get 10 hippos. How many horses in a herd? I think 10 hippos works too. I was considering like 8 to 15. Oh, 8 to 15? Or are we thinking 22? Or are we thinking 5 hippos? What do you think for me?

She has 15 horses. I get 10. How about me? I'm thinking 8-ish. Do you know what a hippo would do to a herd of horses? 10 hippos. I don't know. I don't know.

I think it would eat two of its best men. Yeah. And women. That's true. What are the horses doing? Kicking the hippos? I think they're going to get water with their horse head and his... So let's say you have 15, I have eight.

Okay. Eight hippos? That's a lot. I'm okay with that. But yeah. You have 10,000 rats? I think that's right. Sure.

And you gave me... I was fine with 1,000. Yeah. I was really... I thought... 10,000? I thought this was World War III. All I heard was 1,000.

Let's bring it back to 1,000. All right. Yeah. Okay. This becomes like... This is like a local... We're trying to manage. I'm picturing, okay. This becomes like, this is like a local land. We're trying to manage. I'm picturing us in a large field.

Yeah, it's a big field. There's some water. There's some shallow water. I was laughing about- We're the same place the Black Panther fight happened. Okay. See, I was thinking about supply lines. I thought it was-

Okay. I thought this was the Great War. Also, I don't know. This is a battle. This is just a battle. More than a war. See, now I'm regretting- America's not going to jump in. They're going to let us- I'm regretting the rats a little bit now that it's a battle. This is just a battle. More than a war. Now I'm regretting my rats. Like, America's not going to jump in.

They're going to let us. I'm regretting the rats a little bit now that it's a battle. Okay, let's say it starts. No, we could have, yeah, you have another round, though. All right. Let's say it starts the night before, so there is opportunity for subterfuge. I'm going to try to drag this fucking thing on. Subterfuge.

I'm trying to drag it on the whole time. I'm laying low. I'm just sending my rats out at night. I'm not right. I'm just sending my rats out. Like, you guys are riding your horses and your hippos. Fuck you. There's more animals to come. I'm laying low. I'm just sending my rats out at night. I'm not just sending my rats out. You guys are riding your horses and your hippos? There's more animals to come.

I'm underneath sticks. It's not just these. And we haven't even heard yours. Yeah, I got two coming up. All right, here we go. Two? Yeah, because it's a serpentine rat. By the way,

there's a video of a hippo at the zoo just with its mouth open. Yeah. And somebody tosses a whole watermelon into its mouth. And it very, like casually closes its mouth. And it casually closes its mouth. And the watermelon explodes.

And then Gallagher sues it. Yeah. Oh, my God. Both Gallagher's sues it. I want to see it. Gallagher's great. Look it up right now. That's a lot of PSI.

Yeah, a lot of PSI. They don't have the strongest jaws in the animal kingdom. Who's that? Well, we might find out. Okay. We might find out. Yeah, you might. You're like a lion, maybe.

I want to know your first go. All right. Well, my first pick is the polar bear. Oh, that's scary. Yeah. That's wonderful. Polar bear. Are we talking about the skinny, sick ones?

No. Yes. They're like Nova Scotia, starving. Oh, it's the end of the season. Snow's melting. Because what I'm trying to do is make you sad. Oh. Yeah.

Because you see that you're like, oh, what have humans done to the planet? Okay. No, I want full-grown, well-fed, terrifying. Like Golden Compass. Yeah, Golden Compass polar bears. That movie was disappointing. Oh, you're doing polar bears. Really? I didn't like it. Yeah, I mean it's a solid choice.

Yeah, it's perfect. When they stand up on their back legs, they're 13 feet tall. Are they the biggest bears? They're the biggest bears. Bigger than Kodiak. Yeah, bigger than Kodi When they stand up on their back legs, they're 13 feet tall. Are they the biggest bears? They're the biggest bears. Bigger than Kodiak. Yeah, bigger than Kodiak. And they love Coca-Cola. They love Coca-Cola. They love Christmas. Love Santa. You can ride it on your hippopotamus.

Whoa. You know what else is amphibious? The polar bear. You're right. They swim. They swim. Fuck. Yeah. Damn. Bears in the water. I'm going to give myself, you have eight hippos, I'm going to do seven polar bears. Dang. That's a decent handicap. That's pretty cool.

I want to know what their claws look like and how sharp they are. They're terrifying. They're scary. Oh, man. Me and my rats are so terrified every now and then. Honestly, I was playing the long game, but to open with that, it's like, we're fucked. That's a statement. That's a statement.

There were polar bears at the Oregon Zoo, and I remember going, and they just had- I love them. Not a stuffed one, but this cutout of how big a polar bear was when it's on its back paws. It's fucking terrifying. I loved watching them swim. I still do. They look like-

Well, that's the thing about them. They look like they're so innocent. But they're one of nature's cruelest predators. But then you see some of those videos where they're just covered in blood. Blood, yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah, this is- You're like, oh, that's right. You're a murder machine. Yeah, Blood, yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah, this is. You're like, oh, that's right. You're a murder machine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just wait outside. Like those holes that seals use to pop up and breathe. You know, polar bears just like hang out outside of it, like duck down. And when the seal pops its head up to breathe, they just knock its head off. Yeah. Oh, my God. I mean, we've all seen.

Just going and biting. That's so scary. We've all seen the footage where the little cubs come barreling out of the fucking snow, too. You know, like the mom comes out and all of a sudden the two cutest animals you've ever seen are just like, that's two. And you're like, they'll kill you. They look like they're polar bear cubs look like dogs that only exist in like Japan or South Korea. Yes.

You know where they're, yeah, those like special where you see they're like Instagram stars and you're like, they've never, I've never seen a dog like that in America. Yeah. This is a very Korean dog. But they're full of murder. Yeah. They're also, I'm going to recommend a really good book called Wild Ones by John Mualem where they talk a little bit about polar bear conservation.

No, thanks. Okay. It's actually a really good book. You might like it. No, I'm just saying, I'm not a fan of polar bears in this podcast moment. Yeah. But after it's over, it sounds pretty good. This voice.

Seven polar bears. Seven polar bears. Good. That's good. I understand. With my next pick. So I got my tanks. Now I need something that's also a fucking killing machine.

I'm going to take the Bengal tiger. Oh, shit. Fast. Okay. I was doing some reading up before the podcast because I like to come informed. They're in India, right? They're in India. One full-grown male Bengal tiger can kill a bull Asian elephant.

Whoa. Can bring it down alone. They're just like the strongest cat. They're stronger than the other ones. They're a cat. I looked that up. They're the fastest one they're stronger than the other ones i look that up they're the fastest one boy you got some you got some heavy comp over here i got some heat yeah but you don't have no tigers are pretty tigers can swim too bears are fast bears are

yeah polar bears they're both pretty fast they there's a video one of the scariest videos i need to okay in the world is there they're this, it's like some people in India and they're on the back again of an Asian elephant. And they're like going through this field that's got a lot of like tall grass on it. And you see off in the distance, like the grass kind of like moving. And then all of a sudden there's a tiger jumping up. Ah! Oh, no. And it gets to the top of the elephant so easy.

It's terrifying. And a human made the top of the elephant so easy. It's terrifying. And a human made the video? And then the video stops. Yeah. There's a Twitter profile I found called Nature is Scary. I love that. I love that. Yeah.

That's where I saw a hippo just fucking light up a fucking gazelle the other day. They're like, hippo. Check out this hippo. Yeah. It just goes like. They just tear him in half. That nature is scary. It's terrifying. It's just nothing but like, They're like, hippo. Check out this hippo. They just tear him in half. That nature is scary. It's terrifying. It's just nothing but that looks like a peaceful lake

and then a crocodile eats three people. Nature is scary. Nature is scary. I'm looking it up right now. Nature is scary. It contains graphic images. It's terrifying. And Siberian tigers. I have two animals that appeared on Lisa Frank binders. Oh, were's terrifying. And Siberian tigers. I have two animals that appeared on Lisa Frankbinders.

Oh, were there tigers? They were white tigers. They were white tigers. They were cute ones. Oh, God. Cute little, like a smiling tiger with like a rainbow motif in the background. Lisa, this is going to sound weird, but I always, Lisa Frankbinders looked delicious. They looked delicious.

Like you wanted to eat. Absolutely. They give me comfort. They look like Gushers. If you buy in there, it'd be full of fruit juice. Just eat a whole pencil box. I was so tired of the binders that dudes had to get

that in 7th grade, I just got one with kittens on it, because I was into kittens. See, that's a good move. I'm gonna get this kitten one. I think I had a Reggie White pencil box. It's weird. It's fun how like a Reggie white pencil box. I had all the dumb. It's weird. It's fun how you felt cornered as a male.

I felt cornered as a man. Yeah. Don't make me. Enough with cars and baseball. Yeah. I wasn't into cars or baseball. I always hated that too. I never cared about cars my whole life. Were the peachy ones where it's just like athletes from the 70s running?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were all tan. Yeah. But those were fun because you could draw like stuff on them. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were all tan. But those were fun because you could draw like stuff on them. Yeah, I would get to draw. I would just get playing and draw on them.

Draw on them, yeah. Or put, I would print stuff off at home and then tape it on whatever I liked. It was the one you could slide it into with like the clear front.

Oh, that sounds nice, yeah. Beth, what was your binder game back in the day? Basically, I had a trapper keeper. Oh, that's like a filing system. That's what we called them. Yeah. And honestly, I'm remembering my bathing suit colors, which were lime and black, as opposed

to what my trapper keeper. I think it's aqua and pink. Like the Jamaican bobsled team? But you just, things were made better. And it was like, you ripped the Velcro back. Oh, I'm such a satisfying noise. Oh, the Velcro binder. Yeah.

Yeah. And then this, and you got your three ring binder. That was like a thick Velcro back. Oh, such a satisfying noise. Oh, the Velcro binder. Yeah. Yeah, and then this, and you got your three ring binder. That was like a thick Velcro, too. I feel like that could attach me to a roof with that Velcro, and I'd stay up there. It was good stuff. I mean, I guess I'm an old person now. I've now mentioned how the fast food used to be better, but everything used to be better. I'm starting to feel old.

I'm starting to realize that when I say, oh, that's dope, is that like now to someone who's 20? Yeah. That sounds like someone saying groovy. Yeah, I hung out with some 20-ish year olds and I was like, I'm old. The other day I was like, I haven't been to a house party in a while and I was like, maybe I'm done with house parties. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That could still happen. House parties are still fucking... I love house parties, but I was like, I've not just walked into a stranger's house, I don't know. Oh, that. Well, let's have the best. But you know what? It's not like just walking in.

It's not blind, but like a buddy's like, yo, I know this guy was having a house party. Yeah. I haven't been to one of those in a while. Yeah. Those used to be like every weekend in LA. I feel like the last one I... Yeah. The last one I went to.

Barbara Gray had a house party like two weeks ago I went. Yeah. I try to stay out of LA on the weekends. I'm no good here. That's a good call. Yeah. I'll have a house party. You can come.

That sounds great. Yeah. I say it's like how like LA on the weekends, I can't be here. It's like knowing that I'm a werewolf and the full moon's about to come out. Oh, you do it for other people as much as for yourself.

I like have to chain myself up and by chain myself up, I mean go out in the woods and drink beer. Yeah. Good idea. Yeah. That is probably smart. Instead of just being self-destructive and being loud and annoying in LA.

Well, you can go be loud and annoying in my house in Glendale. That sounds great. There's seven Siberian tigers. Okay. Seven Siberians. And now what? And now David's pick. Okay.

It goes around. I know. You're right. You already did fucking polar bears and I forgot. Here we go. Polar bears. I thought that. Okay.

I'm back. So here's what I'm saying. So I got the hippos. I fucking polar bears and I forgot. Here we go. Polar bears. I thought that. Okay, I'm back. So here's what I'm saying. So I got the hippos. Now I need, because you have smart animals, everyone. I need chaos. Yeah. I need to disrupt and confuse killer bees. Whoa.

Yeah. Whoa. That's a good thing. That would fuck you up. I had that. I had them down. Shit. I didn't even think about killer bees. I had that. I had them down. Shit, I didn't even think about killer bees.

I had that. I had them down. That would be my next trick. If you were rats and killer bees, that would be an insane team. I know, I know. Oh, wow. That would be an insane team. That's good, though.

It would be me hiding and being like, run, do my bidding. You know what could happen is your hippos have such big mouths that they can just be there chilling with a mouthful of killer bees. Nobody even knows about them. Then that mouth flies open. People are like, oh, shit with a mouthful of killer bees. Nobody even knows about it. Then that mouth flies open. People are like, oh, shit, the hippopotamus. That's not even half of it. Here's what I'm thinking.

This might borderline animal abuse, so don't hold me to it. Here's what I'm thinking. We somehow turn one hippo's mouth into an open container like it just keeps its mouth open. Yeah. That's filled with poison. Whoa. The bees hit the hippo's mouth, dip their stingers in the poison.

I don't know how much you can train bees. This might be a bee movie, bees, that I'm talking about. No offense, but that's going to kill the hippo. Unless you line it with saran wrap. One of them was going to die. Now you're entering poison. That's got to be its own pick. You'd have to draft poison. You have to draft an animal that makes poison.

Okay, fine. You'd have to draft poison. Poison's not an animal. You have to draft an animal that makes poison. Okay, fine. Fine, fine, fine. You have to draft toads. You would have to draft toads and then the bees would eat the toads. The bees would skim the toads. Skim the, you know, the poison dart toads. I was on the airplane just drawing like abomination animals on my napkin.

What if we had a donkey dart frog? Ooh, a donkey dart frog. Do you live on the island of Dr. Moreau? I used to tell this joke, which wasn't a joke, it was just real. In fourth grade, I was in the talented and gifted program. Yeah, tag. Tag.

And we got to create our own animal. I wish this was called enrichment. And I created the Tasvarine, half Tasmanian devil, half Wolverine. Oh, my bad. And it was native to Eastern Iowa, if you could believe that. I can't remember mine.

Where did you grow up? Eastern Iowa. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So Tasmarines were very much around. It had all of the ferocity. Tasmarines. Yeah, I got to draw it and everything.

Tasmarimarines. I don't know. Sorry. Either way, I thought about Tasmarines today. Yeah,, my rings. I don't know. Sorry. Either way, I thought about Taz-verines today. Yeah, you got it. I was going crazy. It's fun to smash them together. I like that.

You should make a t-shirt with a Taz-verine on it using the picture you drew. Yeah, give it some hip-hop clothing. Oh, backwards crisscross clothing? Taz-verine. The Taz-verine? Like a No Fear shirt. Yeah.

We could do all this stuff. Big dogs. You either run with the big dogs or stay on the porch? You either run with the Tazverines? You don't want big dogs anymore. Did I tell you big dogs has gone political? What? Are they like far right?

Yeah, like true big dogs are conservative. It's like shit. Yeah, it's a bummer. I don't even know what that is. Don't tell me co-editing. Big dog shirts? If you were a husky boy back in the day. I remember husky.

They were not husky it was like fat fubu yeah it was fat fubu it was fat fubu big dogs was fucking fat fubu they had these

like t-shirts big like St. Bernard dog and like big dogs was the name of the dog I remember being around they probably had them

for yeah but you know big dogs right I love big dogs yeah yeah definitely for dudes well there were white kids who wore

fubu too so it's like that kind of yeah but their whole thing was like either run with But you know Big Dogs, right? I love Big Dogs. Yeah, yeah. It was definitely for dudes. Well, there were white kids who wore FUBU, too. So it's like that kind of. Yeah. But their whole thing was like either run with the Big Dogs or stay on the porch. But then they also had like Jurassic Bark. Which is so funny. Yeah, Jurassic Bark. I like the Jurassic Bark a lot.

Not many of the Big Dog customers were running. No. No. You either. Yeah. I remember like a Big Dog was like, if you ain't the lead dog, then the view never changes. And I'm like, no one buying this is a lead dog. No, there's no lead dogs.

No lead dogs. There's no senator wearing a big dog shirt under his suit. Because you had to go to the big dog store is the problem. Big dog outlet at the beach in Oregon. And they're promoting what? Not changing? I don't really know. It's just like being a big dog.

Do you remember like No Fear shirts? Yeah. I fear no fear. You know how they just have like vaguely masculine slogans on the back? Yeah. This was that, but with dogs for some reason. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, you got it. Yeah. Yeah. I'll send you a dossier. It was like same time as Co-Ed Naked. Remember Co-Ed Naked shirts? Yes. It was like Co-Ed Naked lacrosse or something.

I don't know. Big Johnson was in that era too. Big Johnson.ed naked shirts? Yes. It was like co-ed naked lacrosse or something. Big Johnson was in that era too. Big Johnson. I forgot about Big Johnson. Yeah, Big Johnson. I wasn't allowed to wear Big Johnson. No, no one should be allowed to. My sister had a I fear no beer shirt and we lost our minds. Really?

Yeah, it was so cool. This kid named Mitch in my high school who was one of those weird kids you didn't fuck with. Yeah. He had some crazy band shirt. And on the back, it said, Jesus was a cunt. And he would wear it to school. And he would last 10 seconds before they were like, god damn it, Mitch. You can't wear Jesus.

Mitch! Turn it inside out. Like every day, he was like, oh, man. He was unflappable. With his weirdly deep voice and probably some facial hair. No, yeah. There's a weird, weird guy. You wanted him on your team for sure.

I should draft Mitch. You should draft Mitch next. Get that animal. Because if you don't, I got him. Yeah. He's scary. I don't know what he's up to. Oh, I don't know.

It looks like I'm next. I'm going to draft Mitch. Oh, shit. That's got Mitch. With his inside out shirt that he's mad about. I'm drafting Red-Tailed Hawk. Red-Tailed Hawk. Damn. I'm going there. Yes, Sam.. I'm drafting red-tailed hawks. Red-tailed hawks. Damn.

I'm going there. And I'm going to get a bunch of them. I feel like you get 30 red-tailed. I'm attacking from the sky. And I'm going to get some of those rats. And I'm going to nip at your back of the hippos. And I'm going to take down, maybe I'm going to nip at some of those tigers. He's nipping at a tiger.

Just a random, what if I get their eyeballs? That's what I was thinking. And then you're fucked. It is a risk. Also, they can survey and report back to you. They're smart enough. And deliver messages to family and friends. And to other horses

on the other side. Horses and hawks. You're basically putting together Genghis Khan's Mongolian horde. Also, every peewee team I played football for. Yeah, yeah. Colts. We're the red-tailed hawks.

Yeah. We were the hawks. Hawks is good. How many hawks do you, I'm giving you 50 hawks. Okay. 50. 50? No, first of all, how many bees do I get?

Oh, yeah. I'm saying 10 pounds. 10 pounds of bees? I have to pee, so every time I laugh, it hurts. You can go pee. I'll be right back. Okay, cool. We're going to keep talking, though.

Keep going. Okay, great. There's one thing I don't like. The light switch is on the outside of the bathroom. Fez, will you grab me a Coors? Yeah. Thank you. I feel like how many bees should you get?

Killer bees. Killer bees. I need 10,000. 10,000? 10,000. I think 10,000. That's so many 10,000. I think 10,000. That's so many killer bees, though. Yeah, but you got to think a lot of them are going to die in the fray.

5,000. 5,000? I'll go with 5,000. 7,000? Here's the issue. I don't know what 5,000 bees looks like. Nobody does, man. How many bees would that be?

I feel like that's just like one hive. I'm sure that there's one beekeeper out there right now being like, it's not that much. Oh, for sure. It's not a lot. For sure. Especially killer bees. Yeah. He's going to need 20,000 if he wants to take down any sort of hippo.

But you want them for the hippos. That's why I'm saying I need to know pounds of bees. I'm Googling the sentence, how many bees are in a pound. Okay. There are roughly 3,000 to 4, thousand bees per pound. Come on, man. I gotta get it. Five pounds. Five pounds? Dude, that's enough for a cookout. I need a cookout's worth of bees.

Ten thousand bees. So that's ten pounds? Three pounds. So I'm three pounds. I'm saying you have a cookout. I need one cookout. Like, the weight of burgers at a cookout. Ten thousand bees. I need that for bees. Ten thousand is three pounds of bees. You want three pounds of ground beef?

15,000 bees then? No. 15,000 killer bees? 10,000 bees. These are killer bees, David. It doesn't mean they're going to kill. 1,000 rats, 10,000 bees. If they swarmed us, then we're all dead immediately.

Unless I'm protected by tigers. 10,000 bees. If I'm holding onto the belly of a tiger while it's on them. Also, this fight is, also, now I think this fight is taking place on a beach, clearly. Well, there's some other. Because we got water. Oh, there's water. I'm thinking a tributary.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Like a river, like a delta. Yeah, like a delta situation. Like a real, like an opening of a Sim City section where there is a river, but then you also have other parts. Right. You'll be able to build bridges and a port. Because there's going to be trees around too, right?

But there's also a stadium for the team called the Llamas, which they always are for some reason to play at. Are they? Yeah. On SimCity, it's always like the Llamas or the Dramadaries. By the way, I don't like llamas. Yeah, I don't fuck with llamas either. I've known multiple people who have llamas. Have you had llama drama? llama drama i had baby llama baby llama drama uh there's this like llama in portland called rojo the llama and if you ever go to portland on any dating app you'll see so many girls posing with

rojo the llama they're just i met this llama and it's like the celebrity llama that like he just walks around no advertising companies like rent like rent the llama to come by because it's like, you know, it's a fun day. Is it like Little Sebastian in Parks and Rec? It's like Sebastian a little bit. Yeah. Wow. But like, I'm not fucking impressed by this llama. It's just like a red-haired llama.

They spit. I don't give a shit. They spit. They're rude. They stink. Is it good meat? Llama meat? Yeah.

I have no idea. You're the meat guy. I think they're fur. I have no idea. You don't know the meat guy. I think they're fur. I think they're more fur. It's the fur. What's the difference between llamas and alpacas? I don't know. But in the history of me and llamas, it always seems like llamas and ostriches are kind of

together. Yeah. Like if somebody has llamas, they're also rocking some ostriches. Yeah. I don't know who sells them, but I bet they do. Like a special, I'll give you some deals on ostriches. Similar sort of like food, maybe. Similar weird, you don't talk to sells them, but I bet they do like a special. I'll give you some deals on a similar, similar sort of like similar weird. You don't talk to that kid's family vibe.

Emu. Like maybe they raise emus. Emus fit in there for sure. I knew a guy in high school who had an emu. Cause you would go out, we'd have parties at his house and you'd go out and you'd be peeing all drunk and you would just hear in the dark. You just hear. Oh, they got like a. Oh, it so fucking scary that's crazy um yeah i remember yeah like if you

went to school with a kid you're like that's that's gabe he's family owns emu yeah you know but i will say we had a llama kid in our school how many sun chips? 10,000 sun chips. You can eat llama meat. I just looked it up. You can eat llama meat? You haven't missed anything.

It's fairly lean, like all game meat. We're just arguing over how many bees he gets. We decided 10,000 bees. David wants 15,000. So many. I thought it was 10 pounds. Well, he insisted. I go big.

How many bees do you think are in a pound, Beth? We looked it up. That's hard. Isn't that hard? We, he insisted. I go big. How many bees do you think are in a pound, Beth? We looked it up. That's hard. Isn't that hard? We had no idea. Throw it out. I'm going to go with a pound. I'm going to go with, oh, man, 1,000.

3,000 to 4,000 bees in a pound of bees. They're light. They're light. We don't know if that's killer bees, but we're giving them 10,000 killer bees. OK, 10,000 killer bees Okay 10,000 I'll take what I can get The hawks are gonna be Flying around eating bees

Yeah I think the hawks Are the biggest detriment To the bees right now Yeah That's my biggest fear About the bees Can I go now

Yeah I think it's your turn I'm coming at you I'm coming at you Two times Vampire bats Vampire bats Those are gonna eat

The shit out of your bees No they're so cute No no no Also at night When you guys are sleeping They're fucking draining your shit. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Rats and bats?

Rats and bats. Rats and bats. Yeah, I'm full of rats and bats over here. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Rats and bats. Rats and bats wheeling. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I'm getting, you guys are playing like a noble fight. Yeah. I'm getting, I'm so dirty. It's guerrilla warfare for you. This is very funny that you have rats and bats. Yeah. I a noble fight. Yeah. I'm getting, I'm so dirty. It's guerrilla warfare for you. This is very funny that you have rats and bats. Yeah. I have no shame.

Yeah. I'm here to win. You're spreading disease and like draining blood. Yeah, exactly. Vampire bats, man. I'm like, if a little kid, this was his picks, they'd be like, he needs to talk to somebody. Yeah, rats and bats. What are the bats to you, Brooks?

What are the bats to you? Who? What are the bats to you? Who's a... The family's a bat. The bats are my dad saying, good job. Oh, great. Thanks. Okay. So yeah, if we give you a thousand rats, it feels like a thousand bats.

Yeah. What? That's a winged rat. Oh my God. 500? It's a winged rat. It's got 20,000 soldiers. Just 2,000.

2,000. That's true. You already have more. You got 20,000 soldiers. 2,000. 2,000. That's true. You already have more. You have 18,000 soldiers. He would have two. 10,000 are bees. I got 2,000. I'm taking 1,000 vampire bats.

750 vampire bats. 750 vampire bats. OK. Vampire bats are little. They're not the big flying foxes. Yeah, but I want the ones that are going to drain you at night while you're sleeping. Drain you. Yeah. Man. Ew. You're not going to feel comfortable sleeping like you guys got all these cool noble animals but you're gonna be so creeped out by me you now have an echolocation

so you basically have radar yeah on your that's what i'm worried about yeah oh yes oh i just thought of one what for my next pick he gets to? Well, you get to go two in a row. Yeah. Okay. Because it's that kind of draft. I'm going with the, fuck, I was trying to do jokes about it in Australia. Nobody knew what the fuck I was talking about. Breakups. No. No, I've moved on to trying to do, it's the- Makeups. It's the most-

Makeups and breakups. Oh, Taipan. Taipan snakes. They're the only snake who will chase you. What? Yeah. Is that an Australian snake? will chase you. What? Yeah. Is that an Australian snake? Yeah, it's an Australian snake.

Of course, they all are, aren't they? The meanest snake in the world, Taipan snakes. I got to look this up right now. So the Taipan snakes are going to guard me while my rats and bats go out. I have a question. Does this mean I can't say King Cobra? No, you can. Okay, just checking.

Yeah. You better take a nap. Damn, I had that on my list. Taipan snakes are meaner than the king cobra. I could go black mamba. They're the only snake that will chase you. They will chase you. Yeah, they're the only snakes that will go after you.

Chase. Do they attack in groups? Mine do. These motherfuckers eat bandicoots. Are those bandicoots? They eat bandicoots. They eat bandicoots. They're mean as they eat bandicoots they're mean as shit they're the meanest snake in the world

when I was in Australia I was trying to talk about Taipan snakes and they wouldn't have it they wouldn't have it I was like you guys got Taipan snakes and they weren't

it's like doing AIDS jokes over there it's like a real threat no they had such a good point I'm like aren't you afraid of Taipan snakes and they were just like

no no yeah and I was like what and then somebody had the best heckle ever they go you've Yeah. And I was like, what? And then somebody had the best heckle ever. They go, you've got bears.

And I was like, that's true. I'm not afraid of bears. Yeah, you're right. You've ruined my whole idea. Really? No. I don't know. I'm not afraid of bears at all.

I'm not afraid of bears. I'm super afraid. I had a friend who was a fishing guide, and he had to stare down a bear in Alaska. And that scares. So I'm snakes, rats, and bats. Snakes, rats, bats. Wow. You're a real cave part of the zoo.

Yeah. Your part of the zoo smells kind of like dank and damp. Yeah, we're a little bit like dank shit. Your part of the zoo is where the kids I wasn't allowed to hang out with. Just like the weird inside kids, but they're still staring. Faces up against the glass. Species of this genus possess a highly neurotoxic venom with some other toxic constituents that have multiple effects on victims. The venom is known to paralyze the victim's nervous system and cloth the blood, which then blocks blood vessels and uses up clotting factors.

Wow. Members of this genus are considered to be among the most venomous land snakes based on their murine ld an indicator of the toxicity on mice yeah taipan snakes baby how many what do you what are you thinking the inland taipan is considered the most venomous land snake and the coastal taipan which is arguably the largest australian venomous snake is the third most venom so it's like big too i feel like he's gotta get like 50 40 maybe less less. I'm shooting big. I'm saying 50. I would say 50.

50 snakes? Feels like 50 snakes. They're guarding me. These are guarding me. That's your personal. These are my personal. That's your personal guard. These are who I need because I don't got tough guys, all right?

You don't. I don't have a tough army, all right? You're definitely the CIA. Yeah. In and of itself. My army is all mental. I have a tough army. You're definitely the CIA. Yeah. My army is all mental. We're a mental army. We are the army that everyone is like scared to be around, but thinks they can beat until the last second of the movie.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You're the dude at like pickup basketball who hasn't showered. So you smell weird. Yeah. Like a sandwich might fall out of your pocket. Exactly. Yeah. We're using like. But also great in the post. Great in the weird. Yeah. Like a sandwich might fall out of your pocket. Exactly.

Yeah. We're using like- But also, great in the post. Great in the post. Yeah. Great in the post. I thought I might- I went somewhere far away.

Yeah. Because I was thinking of this. I went to a pet co to pet some animals- Sure. When I was in St. Louis. Ended up just getting some Girl Scout cookies outside where the girls were selling it. Went in to try to pet some cats. And in there, I turned the corner.

And just as I turned the corner, a father and son were trying to be sneaky. Yeah. And I saw either the father or son go like this, pull their hand out of something. They were trying to get their hand up into a tank. What? Into an amphibian area or something. I turned the corner, and they go like this. And he pulled his son away, and they both kind of ran off.

Whoa. What a weird moment. Were they trying to steal snakes or something? I turned the corner and they go like this and he like pulled his son away and they both kind of ran off. Whoa. What a weird moment. Were they trying to steal a snake or something? I don't know. And I went to look into the thing and it looked to me like a sort of horny lizard. Yeah. You know? Because I was like, what were they trying to like do?

Steal a gecko? Sorry, I went away. Or murder a cricket. And that's what I was thinking of. I get it. They could have been trying to murder a cricket they had. But it felt like the dad was being like, no, suddenly I'll put your hand in there so you can grab it.

And I'm kind of like, what if he got, you're a bad dad. Yeah, if you're the dad, if I- It was like a dare dad. Like, I'll dare you to do that. Oh. Like, irresponsible dare dad. That's a dangerous, he's probably also- That might be a stepdad.

Yeah. Maybe. Maybe he wants the kid to think he's cool. Part-time dad. Part-time dad. Anyway, sorry about that. I just was thinking. That might be mom's boyfriend, Rick.

Yeah, it might be. Well, yeah, so I'm rocking a full Slytherin landscape over here. Yeah. 50 Taipan snakes. Beth, it is time for your third pick. My third pick. I mean, honestly, I feel like a hack since he already said snake, but I'm going King Cobra.

This might be the snake round. 50 King Cobras. I mean, it doesn't seem fair, but I want to go there. Go to the snake. Yeah, please. Snakes are scary. Nothing mean, it doesn't seem fair, but I want to go there. Go to the snake? Yeah, please. Snakes are scary. Nothing scares me more than snakes. Yeah, same. Nothing. And if they're my friend, then I want some on my team. No, I don't. Yeah, yeah. I need them around, but I don't want to

know they're there. The king cobra. Sometimes, you ever have... Endemic to forests from India through Southeast Asia. Which is, I feel like where a lot of these most dangerous animals are. Yeah, they're in Australia. Have you ever had this thought? I have it because I'm so afraid of snakes. I wonder what the closest I've ever been to a snake without knowing it.

Without knowing it. You go outdoors so much, it's definitely happened. And I grew up in the woods, so there's snakes all over the woods. I used to kill them all the time. For real, like in Missouri, I'd go shoot snakes as a kid. They do that in Oklahoma, too. They go snake shooting. Just like big ass snakes?

I was just walking down Griffith Park from the observatory down. Me and this woman were walking or whatever. There's rattlesnakes all over that place. Yeah. She wasn't my friend. She was just a little bit off to my left shoulder and I was close to the edge, I think. Yeah. Coming down, pops its head up like this and I go, woo, like that.

And she comes up and she goes, oh my gosh. And this, and I go, woo, like that. And she comes up, and she goes, oh, my gosh. And then she said something like, sorry, I yelled. She said something like, they were here first. Yeah, she was like, we both, like, we bonded very quickly. Yeah. And she was like, well, they were here first, meaning, like, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oof, yeah. I loved it. I get so nervous that would be terrifying and I can't even say it was a rattle I don't know it went like this popped its head up

over the edge rattlesnakes all over medium it wasn't massive it was like but it was big it wasn't a tiny little thing I've seen two

one when I used to live up in Power Violence Mansion a rattlesnake bit one of the dogs we had and it got meaner like it didn't kill it the dog just got meaner. Like, it didn't kill it. The dog just got meaner. Whoa, it changed it.

It learned. Like, Shug Knight with Eazy-E. Wow. There was like a house meeting where- The dog got ate. Don't make me change you. There was like a house meeting where they were like, heads up, the dogs got mean. So if you go into the basement, just make a lot of noise.

Don't surprise them. Yeah. I remember that. The dogs did get mean. It stunk, because I was like, I'm going to make the dogs happy. And then I was like, I'm scared of the dogs. Yeah. I was too. Yeah. I remember that. The dogs did get mean. It stunk because I was like, I'm going to make the dogs happy. And then I was like, I'm scared of the dogs. Yeah. I was too.

Yeah. Woof. Literally. Woof. Yeah. I heard that getting bit by certain snakes can change your metabolism. Oh. I remember watching.

That is kind of like a superpower. I was a little fat kid. I remember watching a show about somebody who got bit by a snake. And it was like, and then I couldn't keep weight on. And I was like, I got to find more of these snakes. And then you looked between your legs and you was like, and then I couldn't keep weight on. And I was like, I gotta find more of these snakes. And then you looked between your legs and you're like, this is the only snake I need. This is the only snake I need.

There we go, nice. I defeated a snake once. 20 years later, it wasn't true. You defeated a snake? Me and Sam Talent killed the shit out of this bull snake in front of my mom's house in high school. It was like four feet long. With shovels?

Yeah, I had a shovel. Sam had a pitchfork. Pitchfork is a bold move. That is, because you missed the snake a lot, I feel like. He definitely missed the snake a lot.

Made him more angry. A lot of times. I was doing most of that work. I came over the top. Sorry, you keep eating chips. Wong. Oh, you went... I had flat side?

I bumped it straight down. El Caban. Oh my God. I would use to get him with a hoe. My little brother was there. It was crazy. You'd use a hoe to get it because there's more time than chop. That Caban. Oh my God. I would use to get him with a hoe. My little brother was there. It was crazy. You'd use a hoe to get a hoe.

Because there's more time than shop. That's so much smarter. Yeah. Yeah, but we were. I don't kill snakes anymore. I remember I saw a snake in college on the path I walked. And by that time, I was over. I was like, that woman said, he was here first.

Go in peace. I didn't walk down that path anymore. Really? Literally, it was the snake's path. You didn't literally walk down that path, and you? Literally and figuratively. It was the snake's path. You didn't literally walk down that path, and you were no longer walking the path of violence against snakes? Of violence against snakes, yeah. No, I didn't feel like they earned it.

Oh, eat the chips. People want to hear you eat the chips, Beth. What are you doing with the cobras? So my type hands are protecting me. Are you sending your cobras out? We're friends. They have direct orders, and I can't share them with you. That's understandable.

They can be trained. We know that. That's fair. Oh, yeah, but I'm going to hypnotize the fuck out of them. They're full. Uh-oh, looks like I got a pocket watch. Your snakes are now no longer. Couple of them look like necklaces because they ate a bunch of your rats.

Whoa. You son of a bitch. I need those rats. Oh, no. They even ate a bat or two. Oh god. I got snakes and rats. This is a terrible combo. I did want to bring that up. There's some infighting.

Oh lord. There's some infighting. The venom of the king cobra consists primarily of neurotoxins known as handitoxin with several other compounds blah blah blah blah blah. The species is capable of delivering a fatal bite and the victim may receive a large quantity of venom

with a dose of 200 to 500 milligrams. Wow. That hood coming out would be the scariest thing I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. Watch out. Have you guys ever been rattled at by a rattlesnake? No. I got it once.

It scared the fuck out of me. It doesn't sound like it sounds in the movies. Yeah, it's so much scarier.ake? No. I got it once. It scared the fuck out of me. It's so, because it doesn't sound like it sounds in the movies. Yeah, it's so sharp. It's so much scarier. Really? Yeah. Really.

What do you mean? I mean, like, it's just like, out of nowhere, I was hiking through, in Big Sur. Does it sound like the movies,

though? No, it's not like, it's way faster. Yeah, it's like, I don't know how to explain it. It's just like,

yeah, it's just like, it sounds like cracking. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, and I was like, oh, I've been rattled at twice now. Once I didn't see it and it rattled and I screamed, you got it.

And I ran away. And then the other time I was touring through Arkansas. Yeah. I just screamed. Like, that's what I was like, you got it. And I ran. And I ran past my girlfriend at the time. And she was like, what?

I go, go, go. Yeah. And then the other time was me and Matty Ryan were on tour through through uh mississippi who is maddie ryan he's the best i'm sure but we we don't talk anymore i'm sure he's good but we we there was a rattlesnake on the road i was too nervous to get it off but maddie got a stick and pushed it off and it was just rattling and striking at him the whole time that's's not smart. Some dudes are afraid of snakes, though, like that. Some people, something that doesn't, like, snake energy freaks me out. He wasn't afraid of the snake at all.

I was like, I was taking videos of him and screaming, get it, like, get it off the road, because I didn't want it to die. But I did want my friend to. But I wanted to get, I definitely wanted to Instagram story it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Sorry. Now. Oh, my turn. Sidetrack was snake talk. Where were you, Oh, yeah. Okay. Sorry. Now. Oh, my turn. Sidetrack was snake talk. Where were you, David, when you got rattled? I was just in a field in Oklahoma, and I was far away. I wasn't, like, next to it, but I was far away enough to hear it, and I was like. We got to get out of here.

Yeah, I'm going to go home, guys. We got to go now. Yeah. We need to leave. We have to go. We have to go. We have to leave. Yeah.

You got it. You got it. Wait, whose turn is it? My turn? Yeah, Ray. Oh, okay. I'm so surprised nobody's taken this yet. Some of the scariest animals ever are a chimpanzee.

Oh, wow. Yeah. That's fine. Chimps grab, chimps rip dicks off. Like, that's what. And faces. Yeah, that's true. And faces. I have an idea. Like, that's what. And faces. Yeah, that's true. And faces.

I have an idea. This is a crazy story. I met a chimp who ripped a dude's arms off once. No. This is. Was he bragging about it? This was a solid choice. This is so crazy.

I went to Sierra Leone. Should have gone. Me and my mom went to a chimpanzee reserve. And there was. What if you said resort? Where they're just like talking to you about who they ripped apart. Yeah, apart yeah yeah yeah it's like club mad for chimps scary no we went to this chimpanzee resort and we see this chimp and he's like taking these giant rocks and throwing it at the wall right like we had to duck sometimes and we're like oh my god this is so scary and his name was bruno

so we like got him on the video camera right I come back to America, maybe four years later, I'm talking to a buddy of mine, and he's like, dude, I saw something on I Shouldn't Be Alive, that show. He was like, this guy was at the chimpanzee reserve in Sierra Leone, and this chimp named Bruno ripped off one of these guys' arms. And it was, yeah, the same chimpanzee. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, ripped his arms off. It's was, yeah, the same chimpanzee. Oh my goodness. Yeah.

It's like you were, it's like you were hanging out with, ripped his arms off. It's like you were hanging out with, ripped him off. What's that? Wow. Wayne Gacy?

John Wayne Gacy? John Wayne Gacy. It was like you were friends with him before and you're like, he seemed like such a nice chimpanzee. Then I saw several movies and TV shows. Both arms? Both arms.

He also like fucked some dude's face up. I mean, think about the chimpanzee, the woman who kept him as a pet and he tore her face off. He tore her face off. Yeah. He tore her face off.

Chimpanzees will do things to people that I didn't even know were possible. I didn't know you could tear someone's face off. Me neither. I thought it was pretty much all of them.

That's a great pick. Chimps are scary. That's maybe the best pick. They're smart too. They're really smart. If we've learned anything from War of the Planet of the Apes. The best pick in They're smart too. They're really smart. If we've learned anything from War of the Planet of the Apes. Best pick in terms of I'm the most scared of it. Yeah. They're so loud.

And you could dress them cute. So you wouldn't be nervous. Let them wear whatever they want. They'd probably be riding the hippos to be honest. Yeah. That's true. And they seem human enough that you feel like they're capable of evil. You feel like they know that they're hurting enough that you feel like they're capable of evil. Yeah.

You know? You feel like they know that they're hurting stuff that bad. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, they know they're ripping off. How many chimps are you getting? I put 15, though. I think that's fair. That's fair.

Like, sort of a SWAT team. That's my elite force. They're your foot clan. Yeah, they're your foot clan. I almost feel like they're my green berets. They're green berets. Oh, you could put them in little green berets. I should. You should put them in little green berets.

It's hard to dress them. Oh, there's going to be one of them that hates hats. That's the problem. There's going to be one guy who's like, I'm not wearing this. He won't keep it on. I'll make him the leader. I respect him. Michael O'Brien, he's a writer.

Oh, yeah. He made the show AP Bio, which everybody should watch. I don't have anything to do with it. It's very funny. But he had my favorite sketch at SNL that never even got to dress. And the opening line was just O'Brien going, Are you like me? Dick ripped off by

a chimp? And there was just this whole long infomercial on how you could get your dick back from the chimp that ripped it off. So you would then wear... You would then get the chimp's dick. And he's like, and I know there's theories out there that once you have a chimp dick, you are attracted to other chimps.

And I just want to dispel that rumor. And then he would look at pictures of chimps. And he kept being like, oh, she's presenting herself. It was like the funniest thing that they were like, no, this is insane. But also very funny. Very funny. Best opening line to any sketch of all time. But I'm scared of your chimps.

Yeah. Chimpanzees, stronger than humans. Dick snatchers. That's what they're called? That's your green braids are called the dick snatchers? Send in the dick snatchers. They're just eating bats? Send in the dick.

They are. They're grabbing bats out of the sky. They're grabbing bats. Yeah. I don't know why, but I feel like they can jump really high. They are. They're grabbing bats out of the sky. They're grabbing bats. I don't know why, but I feel like they can jump really high. They must be able to. Yeah, they gotta be able to. And from high places down to low.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're very agile. God. A study found that chimpanzees solve puzzles for entertainment. Yeah, so they're... Also rip off dicks for entertainment. And then that's the puzzle.

Same study. Yeah, that's the puzzle. The puzzle they're solving. How do I get this dick off this man? Yeah. Well, I feel like I can solve that real quick. Chimpanzees, excellent pick. It's time for my next two picks.

Taking polar bears and Bengal tigers. I'm going to stay big, and I'm going to take the bull African elephant. Oh, man. That's great. Big tusks. Now, can you tell me what the first part, what are you saying? Bull. Bull.

African elephant. Bull. B-U-L-L. Yeah. Okay, that's what I was asking. Tusks. Yeah. Gigantic, just rampaging.

Yeah. And they would keep the perimeter. Yeah. I feel like I'm getting like- You could contain the whole situation. Five of those? Five? Five bull those? Five? Five bull elephants?

Come on. These numbers are crazy. What are you- You got eight hippos. Yeah. Oh, okay. Hippos are pretty big. Okay, that's true.

That's true. Five elephants, just giant, pissed off. They can like- I mean, they can like accidentally kill other animals. But you know what the thing you got to worry about with the elephants is them going rogue. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's true of any of these. I don't know if that's a real thing, but it was a storyline on Tarzan the TV

show. Oh, was it really? Yeah, that there was an elephant that went rogue, so I always assumed that was true. Well, if he can't control elephants. Yeah, no. It was red. The other ones were gray, so I don't know. Okay, I'm getting gray ones for the most part. So, I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. They're't know. Yeah. They're just terrifying.

They can accidentally. Yeah. They can knock over trees with their. They can take out probably bats with their trunk and then also stomp rats with their feet. I mean, the bats, they got so much blood in them. Those bats aren't going to be able to do anything. They're going to be waterlogged. Yeah.

Yeah. They can't fly for eight hours. No, what is it? Two hours after eating? The bats? After drinking? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They can't fly for eight hours. No, what is it? Two hours after eating? The bats? After drinking? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't get in the pool.

That'll be interesting. You have to digest the blood first. Mm-hmm. Their moms are like, honey, I told you don't fly for two hours after you did that. Yeah, they're very stubborn. You're going to cramp. So I'm taking the African elephants. Okay.

And then, oh. All right, this next pick is pretty Okay. And then, oh. All right. This next pick is pretty, well, okay, no. You have to go two in a row, which is like a blessing in a curse. So I did the elephants. Yeah. And now I'm going to do the California, wait, wait, no, wait. Hold on.

The California raisins. Well, I'll eat them. One second. I'll make sure I got this right It was a great podcast Thank you yeah These moments of silence I mean feel free to Fill it with banter

Yeah no I don't I just got quiet Cause my Honestly I was Literally my best friend Of all time He just had a baby He texted me

What A photo of his baby. Oh, congratulations. Congratulations, Reese. You did it. He's a real swell guy. What's it called? Henry, I guess. I don't know.

He's like my best friend from when we were like four, like that friend. We were college roommates and everything. Either way, that's cool. It's weird. It's my first like best friend with a baby. I don't have any of those. I have siblings with babies. Yeah, I've, that's cool. It's weird. It's my first, like, best friend with a baby. I don't have any of those. I have siblings with babies.

Yeah, I've got siblings with babies. This is weird because I'm like, you shouldn't be in control of anybody. Oh, you used to pee your pants. Yeah, no, he was the guy who drove drunk all the time, so I never had to. You know, everybody had that friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. Exactly.

I like that that's the story that gets told right after his baby gets born. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would do testers after the bars would close, and the casino was like 10 miles away, and he'd be like, let's do a lap around the block, see if I can make her. And he would make the call. Like he'd drive around the block once, and sometimes he'd be like, can't do it tonight.

Can't do it? Yeah. That's all right. Yeah. I mean, it's not it. Yeah. That's all right. Yeah. I mean, it's not all right. It's not all right. When people were driving drunk. One time we got to the casino

and we all got let in and they go, he's too drunk to come in here. And we're like, he drove. Oh God. Yeah. Either way, it's not funny.

It's a terrible story. No. It's funny because it happened a long time ago. And he's a dad now. And he's a dad now. And he's a dad. Congratulations to your friend who makes terrible decisions. No, he makes good decisions.

He's got a cool little baby now. I'm going to take the Marshall Eagle, which is an African eagle. They're so big that they've been seen taking antelopes before. They're big enough that they can pick up an antelope up, drop it, and then eat it. That might fuck with my red tail.

It's a real big bird. It's scary. My bats are nighttime, so I'm safe. I feel fine. It's a nighttime flight. Oh boy. But they can handle rats.

They're grabbing rats by like a fistful. Yeah, but I got, the rats are filled with diseases, okay? That's true,

but I'm not saying they're eating them. Maybe they just dropped them in the hippo's mouth. Nasty'm not saying they're eating them. Rumors will get out that those rats are nasty boys. Yeah, alliance. I understand. Grenades. There's never been a draft like this

where we've had to conditionalize the picks so much. Yeah, I like it, though. It's new territory. This is a very unique all-fantasy everything. It's usually straightforward, just like, this kind of food, this kind of food, or song. And this one has got a lot more. There's a lot going on.

Yeah. You might have to put a poll up. I mean. I think I might for this one actually. Did you guys ever read the book My Side of the Mountain? Yeah. No. Where he had a friend that was a peregrine falcon and he lived in a tree.

Yeah. I did. Yeah. I did read that. That was like my favorite book. That was required reading for us. That was like my favorite book. It made me create a little spot in my backyard between two bushes that was like my own.

And I had to cut a little fake little fire. Exactly. I tried to hollow out a tree after I read it. It just was like a month of me hitting a tree. This boy where the red fern grows was like that for me. This boy lived in a tree? He hollowed out a tree and he lived in it. To survive, yeah.

Did you guys not read The Giver? We were supposed to read that as well. I don't know if I did. I've gone back and started rereading. It lost me a bit. The stuff that you're supposed to read that I didn't want to. Yeah. And some of it's good and some of it's not. Like a missing piece?

Like Grapes of Wrath. Oh, yeah. Like in high school, gun to my head, I couldn't read that. But I just read it recently. I'm like, this is the best book ever. It's amazing. Yeah. They made us read Ayn Rand in high school.

I remember that. Really? Yeah, we had to read The Fountainhead. You did, really? Yeah. What remember that. Yeah, we had to read The Fountainhead. We did, really? Yeah. What? Yeah. I mean, it was amongst a bunch of other books, but I guess it is important to read it once

just to be like, no. We would read, we read a lot of Mark Twain because we lived on the Mississippi. Oh, true. Oh, true. What was going on in Ohio? Who's the big Ohio writer? Beth. For me, it was Jean Craighead George.

What did she write? She wrote all about animals, and for the longest time, I wanted to be a veterinarian. Oh, yeah. Did you guys get zoo books? Yes. I fuck with zoo books. I fuck with zoo books. That's why I don't ring a bell.

Zoo books don't ring a bell? This was Julie, Julie of the Wolves. Zoo books was just a magazine. The Missing Gator of Gumbo Limbo. Yeah. Zoo books was just like a monthly T-Rex, and you learned everything about the T-Rex. I don't remember that. Yeah.

Oh, it was great. You might like them now still. They're fun. Yeah. Sue books and highlights went hand in hand. So I'm rounding my team with the Marshall Eagles. Not rounding out all the way, but that's my fourth pick. David, it's time for your fourth pick. This is kind of weird, but

I assume this animal I want it to sort of go hand in hand with the chimpanzees as a type of cavalry. I'm going kangaroos. Oh. They're large. They cover good ground.

They're fast. And they're very strong. They're fast. That's very smart. Yeah. Yeah. And we've all seen the photo of that hunk kangaroo. Oh, man.

The beach pod kangaroo? That was unbelievable. The yoked one? Yeah. That was unbelievable. Yeah, he's so strong. He's so jacked. They're so soft.

Are they soft? I went to Perth. I went to this little sanctuary. And yeah, kangaroos are so soft. They let you pet kangaroos in the sanctuary? Oh, they're everywhere in Australia. Are they really? In Australia.

Yeah, I wish I could remember the place off the top of my head. It was in Perth. Did you like Perth? I can't remember. People said Perth was weird the top of my head. It was in Perth. Did you like Perth? I can't remember. I haven't... Yeah. People said Perth was weird. I wanted to go.

It was good. It's like the most isolated city in the world. Yeah, it was. I had an extra day there. But anyway, they're very soft. Their little backs, these tiny kangaroos are so soft. Then they had an area for them that had a little wooden, like a corral, basically. And we were told, like, you know, if they're in there, they're done.

They don't want to be a pet anymore. So it's like they would put themselves in timeout when they were like, no more police. They know it's going to get too heated. Whoa. So they're smart. Yeah. Kangaroos.

What's your plan? How are you deploying them? What's your move with the kangaroos? We didn't get to how many hawks. Oh, Marshall Eagles. I wrote down 30. That's like so many. And how many elephants?

No, because you have 55 African elephants. Okay, okay. Yeah, I cut it down. Okay. Yeah. Because yours are big. I'd be willing to go to 25 Marshall Eagles if that pleases the room. I think 30 is fine.

I think maybe that's fair. Okay, I don't know. Because you have elephants. Because these are, oh, the Marshall Eagles. You're going huge. They're one of the biggest birds of preyases the room. I think 30 is fine. Maybe that's fair. Yeah. Okay. I don't know. Because you have elephants. Because these are, oh, the Marshall. You're going huge. They're one of the biggest birds of prey in the world. Yeah. You're going so hard.

Big as fuck. Like. Like it could take an antelope. It's the largest African eagle. So like bigger or smaller than the. California condor? No. Than the eagle they rode on in the rescuers.

I know. You're going to see. That's an albatross. No. In the rescuers down under. That's a. Remember the kid rode on the the rescuers. I know you're going to see that's an albatross. No, in the rescuers down under. Remember the kid rode on the back of that eagle. Is this an albatross? Rescuers down under was an eagle. You guys don't remember the second rescuers?

I don't know how big they are in relation to. A little boy rode on it. They're like three feet long. Well, in that case, I want fucking Falcor or whatever the Neverending Story guy is. Their wingspan can be almost nine feet. Okay. From tip to tip. Oof.

It's a big bird. I'm saying like 20 then. Dude. Tip to tip? Yeah, but look at its head. It looks so cool. Yeah. 25.

25? Okay. That's fair. Yeah. Okay, cool. That's fair. 25 Marshall Eagles. How many kangaro Yeah, okay, cool. That's fair. 25 martial legals. How many kangaroos?

Oh, that's what I was saying. I want the chimpanzees to ride the kangaroos. Whoa, okay. So we're going one to one? Wow, honestly. Like they're the Tauntauns from Star Wars. Yeah. But then they work separate, too.

So if the chimpanzee falls off the kangaroo, both the kangaroo and the chimpanzee are still able to fight. They start fighting back to back. Yeah. I feel like I'm losing my grip, honestly. Me too. I don't know. It's unreality just in general. Yeah, we're out there.

I'm seeing your kangaroos as more of just like Beth's horses. I don't really see them doing a lot of damage on their own. I see them as a getting around type of thing. They kick. They hop up and kick just like horses. But they kick in the front so they have better aim. All right. All right.

I mean, okay. How many kangaroos do you give? How many chimpanzees do I have? 15 chimpanzees. I'll take 15. 15 kangaroos to go with those 15 chimpanzees. Yeah. It's like a life bond, though.

They're very close. They grew up together. They pick each other at birth. So when the kangaroo goes down, the chimpanzee fights with double anger. Yeah. He's like, no! Get him! But when the chimpanzee goes down, the kangaroo

becomes immobile. Because they have softer hearts. Oh, yeah. He just puts his little tiny paws to his heart. I'm thinking it's like, yeah, when you're born, you get a kangaroo. Oh, wow. And the chimpanzee. I got a whole life. No, I like this

backstory a lot. But when you're born, you get a kangaroo and you grow up together. You learn tactics together. You go to school together. But the chimpanzee is more heartless and will avenge a kangaroo's death versus a kangaroo and you grow up together. You learn tactics together. You go to school together. But the chimpanzee is more heartless and will avenge a kangaroo's death versus a kangaroo won't know how to handle losing a chimpanzee. The kangaroo is more of a protector.

The kangaroo will spend a lot of time looking out windows at the sea. It's sort of got these qualities of maternal in a way because of their pouch. I want to be in one of those. I bet because of their pouch. Yep. Yeah. I want to be in one of those. I bet it's the warmest place in the world.

Oh, I bet it's so comfy. I bet it's slimy as shit. No way. I don't think it's slimy. I think it's slimy. It's definitely slimy. I think the little baby kangaroos are slimy in there. Beth just goes, no. Scientifically, I don't care.

No. It's like being in a pillowcase. It's like feeling your hand into a fleece sweatshirt you know that's what I hope I would make peace with a slime and just be like

yeah slime me yeah yeah fuck it warm slime is it's probably healthy it's probably good for your face yeah warm slime is good bad

cold slime is bad warm slime is fine slime Beth what's your fourth pick you're gonna get uh free oh my okay sorry I love him I saw In Vogue perform live here's Beth, what's your fourth pick? Free your mind. Okay, sorry.

I saw Invoke perform live. They sung that song. Brooks, I'm ready to announce my animal. Sorry I took a fuck up. You just got Invoke in my head. Okay, okay, okay. Who invoked Invoke. They were amazing.

I'm going Great White Shark. What? Where? What? Why do I have two that were on my list? It's going in the pond with the hippos. There's an estuary. Okay.

They can come. They can swim in the Bradbury's water. I got it. That was my night. I was going to close it out with that. The great white shark. I'm so sorry. Yeah, I'm going great white.

God's perfect killing machine. So just one? No. Oh, she's got to be. Three, four. How many polar bears do I have? I was going to say five. Okay, thank you. Seven. Five great white sharks. I mean, five great white. Because, yeah's got to be. Three, four. How many polar bears do I have? I was going to say five. Okay, thank you.

Seven. Five great white sharks. I mean, five great white. Because, yeah. See you later. Because she gets more, too, because they're only on water. And they totally look out. They're like, hey, horses, do you want to come drink?

Because we'll guard. Right. Five great white sharks. Because they're going to guard against the hippos. They're terrifying. I'm so afraid of great white sharks. They are so. Just the teeth in general.

Sometimes you see a picture from above where you'll see a kayaker and then 10 feet away there's a great white shark and the kayaker has no idea. Those pictures scare me so much. It's the ocean's blunder. It's so scary. It's a jaw with a motor on the back of it.

I was kayaking in the Everglades alone one time and I saw an alligator. I saw him come and go underwater. Wait, say that again. You saw who? An alligator. Oh.

I was in a kayak, and it was the scariest moment of my life. I was like, I'm going to die. I went to Gator World, and all the photos, like when we would visit my dad in Orlando, and all the photos of me as a kid, I'm like, I'm sheet white. They're so scary. I didn't know I was scared of them. Because I was so scared. I didn't know how scary I was. Because they were right there. They're so scary. I didn't know I was scared of them. I didn't know how scary they were. Because they were right there.

They're right in the boat. That's what Gator World is. You got great whites. I'm so like, I like the ocean, but man, is it scary. Oh, it's so scary. Oh, it's so scary. You know when you're like swimming in the ocean

and you're like, your mind water for a second. Because you want to be so free. But the ocean can get you on its own. I don't like, yeah. On its own. Yeah. And like the ocean. On its own. Yeah. And then the animals.

And then it's full of- But I've also had some of my greatest memories in the ocean. Yeah. I love boogie boarding so much. I tried to surf at first. That's close to home though. My mom and I just floating. I think I held, yeah, like this September, held my mom like this and she just floated

because she was a little scared. Where? Kauai. Who went to Kauai this year? You can't lose there. Kauai's she was a little scared. Where? Kauai. Who went to Kauai this year? You can't lose there. Kauai's fucking great. You can't lose in Kauai. I got engaged in Kauai.

Did you get engaged in Kauai? I did. When? Recently? No, not to my ex-fiancee. Okay, thank you. I was like, is this where you're announcing it?

No, no, I'm just saying that's how- You heard it here first. I'm saying that's how much I liked Kauai is I got engaged there. It was fantastic. It was probably the best moment ever. I love that place. It was wonderful. I saw a bunch of monk seals on the beach.

It was so cool. It's great. Oh, wow. The hiking? I got drunk at Tad Rundgren's bar. Is that Todd Rundgren's bar? No, Todd Rundgren. Oh, okay.

I think it's Dolph Lundgren's cousin. Dolph Lundgren's Karate Studios right next door. I'm so glad you went to Kauai. I'm so glad you've been. David, have you been? Yeah, it was amazing. No, no, no. It was the best.

Very few great white sharks. You're going to go. Yeah, great white sharks are really scary. That's a good thing. A lot of sea turtles. Thank you. Did you guys see sea turtles when you were there? Yeah, a bunch.

That was the other amazing. I went Maui kayaking with my sister. Aren't they so old? It was incredible. Yeah, just like a dinosaur peeking up at you. On the side of our out, we did an outrigger canoe.

Oof. And so you canoe out and then it's like the kind that has like a little thing on the side. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and so then, you know, you can jump out

and jump back in easier. Right, right, right. And so we jumped, yeah. Have you done that? Have you seen one of those? I know what you're talking about. They have them in Moana. Oh, yeah.

I love Moana. I went to Maui with Kevin Barnett. They have them in Moana. Oh, yeah. I love Moana. I went to Maui with Kevin Barnett. I love him. Just on like a boys trip. I love him. It was the most fun ever. It was great. I don't know if I know Kevin Barnett. He's great. He's a New York comic, but he lives out here now. He wrote for the Carmichael Show. Oh, dope. Did you go to Cheeseburgers in Paradise? I don't know. We

just drank a bunch of Mai Tais and met he called it a godless island because we met the scariest locals ever and immediately fit in. Yeah. Yeah, they were our buds. That sounds fun. It was. Have you seen a Great White Sharks? No Great White Sharks, just a bunch of Mai Tais.

We've talked about Mai Tais. Now it's time to find out about your picks. So my final two? Yeah. Okay, first one. I'm going meanest animal on the planet, honey badger. Wow. He is going to make your king cobras irrelevant. They do fuck up snakes. Yeah.

So now I got rats, bats. Honey badgers do. Right, right, right. Honey badgers. Rats, bats. They can also get stung by animals, can't they? Like they can take a lot of stings? They just like don't take on venom or something.

I don't know. Because maybe their skin's too tough? What was the other one I had? Rats, bats. Rats, bats. Honey badgers. And honey badgers. Snakes.

Yeah, I got a real, real. You have a real little team. Yeah, I know. A mean little team. A mean little team. How many honey badgers are we thinking? Like team. How many honey badgers are we thinking? Like 15? How many honey badgers are we thinking?

I don't know. How big is a honey badger? They're like 22 pounds. Yeah. Or 35 pounds. I'd say 15 is fair. These are also, I don't know where I'm getting these numbers. I don't know either.

I know. We'll say 15 honey badgers. I sound way more confident. I also feel high. I do too. It's so arbitrary. I don't know what this has done to my badges. I sound way more confident than I am. I also feel high. I do, too. It's so arbitrary. I don't know what this has done to my brain. I love it.

I love swimming in the weird spots. I think we should get t-shirts with our team on them. We should. Yeah. We should have somebody. Hey, if you're listening to this, All Fantasy Everything listeners, if you're still with us, draw. If somebody wants to draw these teams.

Yeah, that would be amazing. Rats, bats, snakes. But try Noble, like on those wolf shirts, you know? But yours, what do we call his? Is it something a little team? Slytherin. I'm team Slytherin all the way. No, but what did we just say?

Mean little team. Mean little team. Mean little team for sure, yeah. Mine is like high and low. I'm skies to sand. I like it. To water. It is, yeah.

And I'm surfing turf. Yeah, surfing turf. Surfing turf, that's good. I'm going to finish it out. Yes. By just like really staying on to how I am just a coward. And I've just picked the scariest, creepiest animals. I'm going to choose one guinea pig that I hold and I pet while I tell all my animals what to do.

Here's the funny thing about that. They are raging. You know what I mean? They are pent up. No, but I don't even, this is just for me. I know. I just want to pet it. He's not going to calm your anxiety.

He has anxiety. I used to have a guinea pig named Xena, the warrior princess, warrior piglet. Pig. I had guinea pigs too. Brownie. Brownie. What was your guinea pig's name? I had Manhattan.

Manhattan. Yeah. They knew you were an alcoholic at an early age. Yeah, Manhattan. I'd like a Manhattan, please. My sister-in-law called Snowball, and they lived together in my room. Oh, they made that. they knew you were an alcoholic at an early age Manhattan I'd like a Manhattan please and my sister had one called Snowball and they lived together

in my room oh they made the whoop whoop yeah yeah that's what the noises they make I have a joke about it

about like if I was little and I did stand up it would be a lot of guinea pig material and I'd be like you know when you're scratching your guinea pig's neck

and it reaches out its neck like I got more neck yeah you know what I mean because you know what I mean you start and they go. How about I'm a grown woman, and that was in my last Conan set

was guinea pig material. Was it? Oh, really? Was it really? Yes. I love it. Yeah, when they make the noise like, erp, erp, erp, erp, erp, and you're like, I'm doing a good job.

Listen, there's so much material on guinea pigs. I didn't touch any of this. I love guinea pigs. You could do a whole hour. Oh, yeah, you could. That's what my bit is. It's like, if I did stand-up as a nine-year-old, it'd be called What's Up With Guinea Pigs. I got more neck. Yeah.. That's what my bit is. It's like, if I did stand up as a nine year old, it'd be called what's up with guinea pigs.

I got more neck. Yeah. Either way. I'm just, I'm, I'm sitting there. I'm petting the guinea pig. I'm telling the snakes like,

like protect me. And I'm telling the bats, like get out there. I'm the honey badgers. I'm like, fucking do your thing. And the rats, you know,

I've poisoned them all. I fed them bad. It gives you something to protect. Yeah. You know, it's like the thing that I'm like, watching all the, I'm like just petting it. all, if you fed them bad. It gives you something to protect. You know? It's like the thing that I'm just petting it. I'm not getting into this battle at all, okay? I'm being

a coward. Because if we're being honest, humans are the most dangerous of all of these. Yeah, I'm staying out. I'm staying out. So me and my guinea pig are chilling as far away from the... Guinea pig crossed my mind. I'll tell you that. Oh, yeah? Okay. So that's my team. All right. This is my last pick

and this is hard and I kind of feel like fried, you know? Like, I'm like, fuck. I'm going to just go with this one because I think it's going to make my team strongest, even though...

And looks aren't everything. Jeans on, team strong. I'm going Komodo Dragon. Oh, great pick. They have a deadly bite. Yeah. But after a few days. Yeah.

And, like, they're a little bit slow but they're they can be 10 feet or more and up to almost 400 pounds they're dinosaurs that's insane yeah 350 pounds are you kidding me they can eat an entire antelope they're big and fast yeah so yeah how many do you get like you gotta get 15 i was saying 10 to 15 yeah Poison teeth. Yeah. You know what they don't have? Poison. What they have in their mouth. Saliva, right?

It's like this infected saliva. Oh, you're right. Yes. It's where they bite you like you get sick. Yeah. And you die within like two days. Because we've all seen that Planet Earth episode where they bite a water buffalo and then just hang around it until it dies.

And then they're just chilling like, I got time. Yeah. I got time. I got all the fucking time. And it's a fucking dragon. Okay, so they bite it. And then it immediately gets infected with, because they're just...

Because they're garbage. But that doesn't spoil the meat. It's like being bit by a dirty kid. Not for them. More almost like a rabies almost. Yeah, like quick. Also one time, Zach Toscani picked a Komodo dragon in a different draft, but he called it the Komodo dragon. Oh.

Oh, that. Like the Japanese road. Sensual. Sensual road. It's like- I picture it now. That's like a plate from West Elm. You know when like these higher places put like a fancy robe on an animal?

Komodo dragon. Yeah. Komodo dragon. Yeah. It's just up at the top of the stairs. It goes, I'm animal. Yeah. Kimono dragon. Yeah, kimono dragon. Yeah, it's just up at the top of the stairs. It goes, I'm waiting. Yeah. Oh my goodness. I hope you're right, Taylor. Also known as the monitor lizard.

Is it the monitor? Yes, I have heard that. Yeah. No, I'm going to stick with kimono dragon. Yeah, I'm definitely calling it the kimono dragon. That would be a fun, if that wasn't already a lizard, that'd be a great wrestling nickname.

Komodo dragon. The Komodo dragon. Ricky the Komodo dragon steamboat. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that sounds... 15 Komodo dragons. 15? That's a lot.

They're big. They are big. They are 10 feet long, right? 10 Komodo dragons. I got upset here. Brooks. Yeah, yeah. Play it dragons. I got upset here. Brooks. Yeah. Play it fair.

David is never your final pick. Closing it out. Hyenas. Oh, the hyenas. Oh, yeah. Good luck against my honey badgers. What? Hyenas are an abomination in this world.

Yeah. They chew bones. They look wrong. I was waffling with a couple of things. Goat. Wild boar. I have waffling with a couple of things. Goat, wild boar. I have another picture to make. And raccoon. I'm sorry, keep going.

Raccoon? I like the idea. Wait, goats, wild boars, and raccoons? Why? Those last two are scary. Listen, I didn't pick them. Yeah. I thought about raccoon too, but I also watched.

I've come across some raccoons in the wild, and they're way bigger than you remember. Oh, they're big. I'll take a raccoon on one-on-one. You can, but I'm just saying when you come across it, it's bigger than you remember. Do yourself a favor. Honestly, Google fat raccoon. Just listeners right now at work, Google fat raccoon, and that's a smile on your face. They are so many cute images of just raccoons that you're like, how'd you get that big?

And they're just in dumpsters. That's how they got so big. Hyenas are fucking scary. Yeah, hyenas are terrible. I just found a picture of a baby hyena holding a zebra head. Oh, God. God, that's gnarly. Look at that. Can I see? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Hyenas.

Oh. No. Those are in case it all goes bad. I feel like they found that dead. A hyena's more of a scavenger, though, right? They're a scavenger. No. No. Those are in case it all goes bad. I feel like they found that dead. A hyena's more of a scavenger, though, right? They're a scavenger. No, some of them are hunters. It's either the striped ones or the white ones.

Okay. Some of them are hunters. I don't trust any animal Whoopi Goldberg has portrayed. That's true. That's true. Here's the thing, though. The hyenas only come out when shit goes south. Oh, yeah.

I like that like I'm not they don't it's you know like what's that movie what's that terrible movie about Irish people oh

the Boondock Saints when he's like you tell this guy this thing is on he doesn't turn it off until the guy's dead yeah that's the hyenas

that's the hyenas once they know it's on it's fucking on so they're I almost I almost don't actually control them yeah as much as they like me better than all of you well shit is fucked yeah yeah yeah they're the steve buscemi on con air yeah like they seem cool but i don't trust them total

fucking wild you kind of hope you win but you hope most of them die yeah because they fly no flag yeah and you don't want to believe me friend you don't want to be owing hyenas favor no that's that's how they got my cousin they will come collect that's the other that's probably the shirt from this podcast is you don't want to be owing hyenas yeah that's my final how many hyenas are we talking 15 hyenas i like 15 hyenas i honestly i 15 hyenas I like 15 hyenas I honestly I feel like he deserves more

no hyena honey badger seems pretty similar I feel like I deserve less the hyenas are pretty big actually I was gonna say 10 these are only

10 hyenas cause it's not I'm not gonna I'm not gonna pull them out unless it's like big gnarlys yeah honestly they could just be

clean up crew yeah yeah that too that too yeah I don't wanna see the hyenas out I know things are going south Arlie's. Yeah. I understand. Honestly, they could just be cleanup crew. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That too. That too. Yeah. I don't want to see the hyenas out. I know things are going south.

You don't want to see them out. All right. Bring them out. Bring them out. Ian, last animal. With the final pick, I am going to take the blue-ringed octopus. Wow. Yeah.

So you all have- Interesting. I'm dealing with a water animal. I feel like that required research. Here's the blue ring. I was doing a little I'm the only one without a water animal. I feel like that required research. Here's the blue ring. I was doing a little research. Well, I did it earlier today. And the blue ring octopus is one of the most poisonous animals in the entire world. Like when it

touches you... It just touch? That's all it has to do? Paralysis and then death. Oh, wow. And the plan is that some of these martial eagles go in, grab these octopus, and then they're dropping them on.

Limited time only, though. Bam, bam, bam. Limited time flight. Well, you can grab, there's a part you can grab that's not gonna poison you. Oh, okay. It's the tentacles.

And now they're dropping these octopuses on you just fucking flying. It's like you're Agent Orange. Wrapping you up. It's Agent Orange. We're dropping napalm. Will they ever find love, you know?

With the octopuses? Yeah, never. That is a good question. Oh, now they're depressed and ineffective. Yeah, they're built for battle. Shit. Me and my snakes are in so much trouble. Me and my rats.

Me and my rats, bats, snakes, and honeybees. We need to buy ourselves 50 of these octopuses. 50? What, there's 50 Taipan snakes. 50 feels like a lot of octopuses. We have 10,000

killer bees. I forgot that there's bees in this world. I forgot about the this is the most chaotic thing I've ever heard and then I forgot there's

10,000 bees. There's 10,000 bees on top of it. No, this is a scary this is like the beginning of Saving Private Ryan. Alright, 35.

Alright, yeah. So just to go over our picks again. From the top. We each have to come up with a team name. We do. I think I'm Surf and Turf. Surf and Turf. I like Surf.

I mean, I can be changed. Mean Little Team? I'll take Lean and Mean. Lean and Mean? Yeah. Lean and Mean, Surf and Turf. So if we're going with a theme, then. Let me remind us of all our picks.

So team lean and mean is Brooks took 1,000 rats, 750 vampire bats, 50 taipan snakes, 15 honey badgers. Oh, yeah. And one guinea pig. Yeah, just so I can cuddle it. That's right. Just so I can cuddle it. That's very Brooks.

You went second. You took 15 horses, 50 red tail hawks, 50 king cobras, five great white sharks, and 10 Komodo dragons. Oh, God. That's a scary team. A lot of scales over there. I know. For somebody who really is upset by scales.

Yeah, a lot of scales. In all worlds. Scaly team. David, you got to use that lotion. David, you went third. You took eight hippos, 10,000 killer bees, 15 chimpanzees, 15 kangaroos, and 10 hyenas. I stand behind it. I stand behind it all.

I went third and took seven polar bears, seven Bengal tigers, five African elephants, 25 Marshall eagles, and 35 blue ring octopus. Do you get tired of winning? What? I mean, I got some bruises in there. I think you have the most well-rounded team. Yeah. Yeah, yours is well-rounded.

I got the San Antonio Spurs. Yeah. It's not flashy. Offense, defense. I don't like it. Yeah. Don't love anyone named Ginobili. No.

Ginobili. I do. My team is the team. I just like the name. Ginobili. I get it. Yeah. My team is the least put together, but will backstab anyone. Your team is the team. I just like the name. Monotonorably. I get it. Yeah. My team is the least put together, but will backstab anyone.

Your team is insane. My team will end up fighting itself. Your team doesn't even know if it wants to. No, my team takes me out first and leads. I think I've had a nightmare that was essentially your team before. My team's like, fuck this guy. They kill me, and then they're out. Now it's down to three teams.

The guinea pig has just a mini version of your shirt on. Yeah, exactly. Oh, no way. Guinea pig's wearing all jeans. Yeah, double denim. Yeah, yeah. Denim, denim. David, do you have a team name?

No. Sidewalk Slammers. Ooh, the Sidewalk Slammers? Yeah. Where'd that come from? Wasn't that Booker T's team? No, that was Harlem Heat. He would do the sidewalk slam.

Oh, I just met, when we were kids, you would pour out the top of a 40 and put orange juice in there. Oh, really? And then it's like a brass monkey. I think Booker T from- From wrestling, yeah. From MCW, his finish move was the sidewalk slam. Was it really? Which is, they were Harlem Heat. Double down. Was it really? They were Harlem Heat.

Double down. I never loved Booker T. I mean, he was just... And then he started wearing the crown. Not for me. My girlfriend went off the other night on... There's not a lot of black wrestlers. There's not a lot of cool ones.

New Day is awesome. New Day rules. I love New Day. I could go on about this for a long time. I'm just saying Booker T, there hasn't been a lot of diversity in the champions of WWE. It's because Vince McMahon is a racist. Yeah. And a sexist, to be fair.

So it evens out. He's just a bad old guy. Either way, I mean. That's not where we're at. That's not where we're at. I'm just saying Booker T has won the most titles of any non-white guy. Oh, I have no idea. I do.

I looked it up. More than The Rock? Oh, The Rock. I forget. Never mind. The Rock Obama. Yeah. He's for all of us.

Yeah, he's for America. Even Trump would be like, he seems nice. Unparalleled Carnage. All right. I like that. It's pretty true. Unparalleled Carnage. Either way, these like that. It's pretty true. Unparalleled carnage. Either way, these teams are going to fuck you up.

Oh, yeah. We left some great animals on the board. Gorillas didn't get picked. Oh, but chimpanzees did. Oh, yeah. Kodiak bears. I feel like a gorilla would tear a chimpanzee in half. Kodiak bear was.

I just actually watched top five gorilla fights on YouTube the other night. Okay. Not as good as you'd think. And how did we get there? Oh, my God. What led to that? Top five gorilla fights? YouTube the other night. Okay. Not as good as you'd think. Really? And how did we get there? Oh my God. What led to that? Top five gorilla fights? What led to that search? I feel like we started there.

Top five gorilla fights. You know when you ever get somewhere and you're like, how did this happen? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. All the time. That could be the name of this podcast. Yeah.

How did this happen? So thank you for participating. Wait, so you're going to leave it up to who won? This one I will 100% put a poll up for. Got to put a poll up. Because this is an insane. Got to put a poll up. I mean, listen, I want to win, but I really do feel like Ian's.

I think Ian. Appeal to your constituents. Well, I like David's. I like the fact that he has. What was your team name again? Sorry. I like that. Here's what I like about each of you two's teams that Beth and I didn't, I feel like,

bring. You have the hawks and the octopus team. I like that a lot. Octopus. Octopus. Octopus. That's fun. Dave, you've got this narrative of the chimps and the kangaroos that I really-

Lifelong. That I grabbed onto, okay? I don't have that. But that's because your team's slithered. You guys are all about that. My team grabbed it onto. I don't have that. But that's because your team's slithering. My team is anarchy. It is just anarchy. I'm sorry. I just don't feel like you should have brought me into that because

I feel like the hawks could come down and cling to the horse's mane for a bit and take it a ride. You are grasping. I like the hawk. All 50 hawks pick up one horse. Hawk on their head. I like the hawk. All 50 hawks pick up one horse. Hawk on their head. Drop it on somebody. Hawk on the head?

Yeah, hawk on the head. Because the horse can't see as far as the hawk. Right. You need somebody steering that horse. You do have sharks, though. Yeah. Which, if anybody goes in that water. Hippos, I feel like.

They're going to have to try to take out my octopi before. The sharks are going to immobilize hippos and the octopus. Are they? Shark versus hippo? I know. Maybe. Who knows? Hard to say.

Discovery Channel, if you're listening. Because I have, yeah. Holler at us. They made this movie four years ago. We just haven't seen it. So to the listeners, make sure you vote on the poll. This will be the first poll we've done in months. Months.

Months. Shout out to everyone who's listening. Send us your list on Twitter. We love that. Shout out to the AFE subreddit. Yeah, thanks guys. Shout out to everyone on Instagram. Shout out to Frankie Ocean.

And live show at South by. Oh, and make sure you go to the live show March 10th at the North Door, 4.30 p.m. We're at 4.30. We're at 4.30. Okay. Gonna get drunk. Gonna get drunk with us afterwards. But then we got We're at 4.30. We're at 4.30. Okay. Gonna get drunk. Gonna get drunk with us afterwards. But then we got another show at 8.

We got another show at 8, so we won't get blackout drunk until 9-ish. I don't have another show until Monday, so I'm gonna go for it. Watch us pass out and not even get to our Airbnb. We're gonna give so many hugs. So tune in again next week. Wait, I have a photo of you with your shirt off. After the show. No.

Remember when we were drunk at JFL? Yeah. I took my shirt off and you did. We both had our shirts off and we were posing on a motorcycle. Yeah, I do remember that. Oh, you have to send me that picture. Okay, I'll find it. That shit was funny.

It was outside of our hotel. Yeah, yeah. It was a motorcycle. I'm just saying, Ian will take it there and I'll follow along. That shirt will come off. The pants will come off. I'll do whatever it takes to get the job done. All right, sorry, sorry. It's going to be. I'll do whatever it takes to get the job done. Sorry, sorry.

It's going to be so hot in Austin. It's going to be so hot and tune in next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shacklackity! Yeah. What was that last word?

Shacklackity. Shacklackity. It's how we end every podcast. that was a hate gun podcast