All Fantasy Everything - Animals We'd Like To Be (w/ Eddie Pepitone, David Gborie, & Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: June 25, 2020

Lions and Tigers and Bitter Budhas, oh my! Eddie Pepitone joins the fellas to draft Animals We'd Like to Be. Lets just say, it's purrrrrrrr-fect. Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahahahahahahaahaha. Ahhhhh. Purr-fect.Episode Guest:Eddie Pepitone @eddiepepitone IG: @eddiepepHis new special: FOR THE MASSES is available at www.eddiepepitone.comSupport the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingSponsors:Hawthorne - Use promo code ALLFANTASY for 10% off your first purchase at Hawthorne.co.Feals - Become a member today by going to Feals.com/allfantasy and you'll get 50% off your first order with free shipping.Bespoke Post - Get 20% off your first box at boxofawesome.com with code ALLFANTASY at checkout.Manscaped - Get 20% off and free shipping with code ALLFANTASY at manscaped.com.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything in pop culture, from candies to old people who could kick our ass and everything in between. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and on today's episode, we're drafting animals that we would like to be. I don't have a good reason for it. We're just doing it because it's going to be fun. Our special guest today is actor and comedian Eddie Pepitone. You may have seen him on Conan, Community, or heard his voice on Bob's Burgers. While in quarantine, he's hosting a podcast series called Live from the Bunker, where

he interviews his funny friends every day, live on Instagram. His new comedy special, For the Masses, on tuesday and is available almost everywhere comedy is streamed and as always joining us are close friends and comedians sean jordan and david borey let's get into it Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that has been eating bag after bag of turkey jerky, hoping he'll somehow lose weight despite consuming way more calories than he was when he was just eating regular food. Dude, you ready for it? You ready to hear what I had for dinner last night eating regular food. Dude, you ready for it?

You ready to hear what I had for dinner last night? I'm born ready. You ready for it? Yeah. So, I had nothing to do with making it. But I looked at it and... You wait, now wait. Okay, so that immediately eliminates tortillas full of other companies' chicken wings? Yeah, cornmeal, chili, and American

cheese is off. Eddie, a little background on your boy. I like to take a tortilla and fill it with Buffalo Wild Wings or Wingstop. That was not the case last night. I looked at, because Laura's like, we're going to have lettuce wraps with teriyaki. And I was like, oh, dope. And I looked at the pan and I was like, is this like teriyaki, like somehow beef or something? And it wasn't. It just looked like beef because it was walnuts, water chestnuts, onions, and like teriyaki sauce just ground up so fine that it looked like beef.

And then we wrapped it in lettuce. It was crazy. I love water chestnuts. I do, too. Oh, water chestnuts are from water chestnuts. I can't think of anything better than a water chestnut. And I'm talking about a first responder. Anything. Anything, a beautiful.

A mother's love. It goes water chestnuts, a mother's love. Not the first person that's had that cake. My first born son. David's son. Little Aquarius Jr. Dory Bory. Dory Bory.

And also, Eddie, you've clued in, but you can talk whenever. if we waited till we introduced you you'd be sitting there for 20 minutes oh god almighty i it's so great to be here guys thank you so much for this i don't look at this as work um all right so i don't care that you owe me a bunch of money just pay me whatever that was the sean sean did you like it by the way because i'm vegan and i i have stopped missing me i have stopped missing me my meat ship hasn't sailed but yeah i definitely enjoyed it uh oh good good yeah by the way my meat has nothing to do with dinner i'm just i'm not married yet so we haven't had sex but i'm working on a baby it's meat ship meat ship got a new coat of paint last night oh my god when did you when

did you become uh vegan i feel like i'm headed towards that at some point seven years ago seven years ago how was the transition it was tough the transition uh was tough for a couple of years you know yeah because you know i'd be like oh you know hey i could have you know i got a little uh meat or whatever i'm in austin cigar i'll tell you that i'm in austin me in a cigar and and uh just kind of get into self-loathing i like to roll the prosciutto around the cigar. That's my, you know, it's a small thing. Yeah, tell people and they don't believe you.

That's a pig in a blanket where I'm from. When I'm sleeping, that's a pig in a blanket. Damn. Not bad, right? Not bad for being new to the show. I'm kind of blending right in. You're already one of our top 100 guests and we're only like two minutes in the podcast. At number 85.

You do the countdown over the Labor Day weekend. You love this revelation that he's been vegan for seven years. the labor day weekend you love this revelation that he's been vegan for seven years oh my god you're headed in that direction ian i feel like my what i've learned about myself is my relationship i have a i definitely have an abusive relationship with food i'm overweight i saw him throw a pineapple at the wall one time i was gonna say i didn't even didn't even do anything i threw a pineapple at the wall he says i yeah oh yeah i but like i do like abuse myself with food and like the the only thing that's ever really worked for me is almost like complete prohibition like right now i get like meals delivered like in the morning and like i eat those and i take the decisions out of

my hands and like like because then i'm like okay so for dinner it's cod and like that eat those and I take the decisions out of my hands and like because then I'm like okay so for dinner it's cod and like that's just what it is because whatever you know and I think like the healthiest result of this would be like eventually getting to like a vegan diet I enjoy meat but I don't think I would miss it enough that it

would like outweigh the benefits yeah because you don't hate everything else I've seen you know I've seen you eat you cook up plenty of healthy stuff i've because for someone like me where i'm like i hate vegetables i can't stand them most of them and so i'm like it'd be tough to be vegan crazy he just doesn't eat that i just don't like eat them but i think we gotta do it right i think i think we're just not i don't think we've tried to do it right yeah you're right i have it i can't just take a carrot and be like, well, it sucks. I feel like Sean's hate is so not connected to his soul.

It's leading me to the dark side is what it's doing. And I'm not ready for it. I'm trying to curb that. Your vegetable relationship dates back to your childhood because your mom would just say you don't like that, right? Yeah, dude. She'd say, dog. So we'd get like, I'd get a burger or something and she'd be like, oh, it's got onions. Those are icky. You don't like those. And yeah dude she'd say dog so we'd get like a i'd get a burger or something and she'd be like oh it's got onions those are icky you don't like those and i'm like

fucking you're right i don't because you give me food shelter you're my mom dad dipped out when i was six months old so you're here what you say is gold you're the queen and so yeah i hated i hate onions to this day it's so interesting she doesn't like bagels bro like she she goes that's not like you know that's not a vegetable this is how wait a minute what this is how wild she is because she just doesn't like bagels and i'm like it's bread and she goes i don't know i just i don't know i think it's icky i'm like what talk about anti-semitism she's a raging anti-Semite, Kelly. I don't like their claws all over my bagel. No thanks.

And that's because we're Jews. She means C-L-A-U-S-E. I'm Christian. It's K-L-A-U-S. There you go. Tim Allen hashed all this out for us already. Thank God. I miss a bagel so much.

That's like next cheat day I'm getting a fucking bagel with like locks and the capers and everything. It sits weird in my guts. The bagels? It doesn't go anywhere. It's like you swallowed a brick or something. It just like... I shit out the whole... It goes out exactly like it comes in, capers and all. You have to fight through that.

You have to fight through that if you're going to love bagels. You have to fight through because they taste so damn good, you know, with cream cheese or whatever. You know, I'm vegan now, so it would be vegan cream cheese, which is fine. And, you know, instead of lox i i would put a really thin vegetable on it sean gross dude thin vegetable gross what's it what are we talking like like like a sliced onion or so what what that's you know a red onion on a bagel though yeah yeah that's good right that's good red onions a little too sassy for me you gotta fight through that feeling in your stomach.

Bagels. Plus they were designed for like when you would be the milkman in a small Jewish town and your horse would come up lame and you would have to pull the wagon yourself. And at the same time, sing songs about tradition and being a rich man and keeping your balance on the roof. This sounds crazy. That's what our food was designed for. This sounds crazy, but I want the knowledge, so I'm going to ask.

Jewish people drink milk. I did. I don't know. David's face didn't change, by the way. We're from Sierra Leone. We don't drink any milk. None of my family drinks. No.

No. Are you guys vegan? Are you vegan? No, not at all. We just don't know milk. It never came up. Oh, you don't do. That's good, not at all. We just don't know milk. Like, it never came up. Oh, you don't do... That's good, by the way, that you're not doing milk.

Yeah. That's good. Is milk bad for you? Yeah, dairy is fucked. Dairy is bad for you? It's... Are you kidding? You're kidding.

Are you being... No, I'm not kidding. I mean, you know... No, no, not you. I mean, Sean. No, I didn't know. I thought dairy was fine for you. Like, milk?

You're not supposed to drink milk? Different systems respond differently to it. That's for sure. That's true. I know Stephen King's Derry. That's bad for you. Derry PA. Everybody dies. Alright. Everybody. Okay. There he is. Well, listen. I'm right here. Professional stand-up comedian, guys.

Look at all those shoes. Look at all those shoes and that EMAC. How do you think I got that? With money from comedy. Hundreds of dollars. Hundreds of dollars. No, I get it. I got a Reese's wrapper somewhere around here. That's what I bought from comedy. That guy with the shoes, by the way, Sean S. Jordan on Twitter.

Sean Cougarmel Jordan on Instagram. Sean, listen, obviously none of us are performing anywhere right now. Do you have perhaps an album you could promote and a place to buy it? I released an album called The Buck Starts Here last year, a little over a year ago. If you go to a specialthingrecords.com, you can purchase that and there will be flasks in very soon.

And yeah, do that if you want. I'll tweet about it or whatever, but also put positive energy into the world right now. And forever, by the way. Little slice of heaven. You've been doing that since the day I met you, and I imagine before that as well. I can't fucking wait to see you again. I'm so stoked.

I haven't seen Sean. David, you too, but you're not coming up here in like a week. So I, you know. I'm not. If you want, you can drive up to Portland with me, dude. It'll be weird. I don't even have a car. We'll have a weird time up there.

Yeah, dude, we'll sit. You guys can come to the skate park in Beaverton, and we can all show those kids how to really get drunk in a public park. I can't show those kids anymore that you know about the ruling. You know I got priors. These kids show up.

You should have heard this kid. I'm not allowed to show kids anything in a park. This kid was talking. They showed up and they all had Miller Lights at the park at like 11 in the morning. And I'm looking at him like, you assholes. This is why everybody hates skateboarders.

And then this kid starts talking way too loud about how he wants to have sex with some girl that night and I was just like, you guys, come on, man. How old were they? They were probably 19. But I'm like, you can't socially distance and have sex. You can't do it. And he was talking about her like she was a stranger, so I know

that she's not in the circle. Irresponsible. That's the first word that comes to mind when i hear about that irresponsible the first word that came to my mind was hot your first miller light perfect david david borey the g is silent on twitter cool guy jokes 87 on instagram don't get twisted. How are you doing? I'm doing good.

I got a food scale. I've ate more fish than I've ever eaten in one week. And I've been working on this huge project that I think you guys should all check out. It's called Arrest the Cops Who Killed Breonna Taylor. There it is. So, you know.

So now you're the one responsible for that. So what's been the holdup? The killing or the, wait. The arrest thing. You've been working on that project. No, no, no. I was just making a joke about you saying it's your project. Oh, yeah.

I have. What's the holdup, dude? Yeah, it's mine. Listen, it's been a busy week. I got two emails and it was on the wrong box. Yeah, that Pete Davidson movie just came out. I had to watch that. So it's been a lot of, it's been a lot for me.

How was that Pete Davidson movie? It was very long. It was long. I heard it was good. I enjoyed it, but I am a very, I like, I'm a very soft critic of movies. You're also the Archduke of Staten Island. you're also the archduke of staten island i'm also the archduke of staten island so there are political conflicts yeah he was he was grandfathered he watched it with you got and master killer it was so worked out

i thought i so i thought marissa tomei was great in it i thought bill burr was really great in it bill burr nailed it i wanted the whole movie to be about them he would they would have been amazing they were so charismatic and you know i mean like what pete is what 20 24 25 like oh is he oh i don't even think pete was bad i just think there was like four subplots they probably could have chopped there were they were like there were some ones that like they were like competing for the same amount of screen time you know what i mean so none of them are allowed to develop like fully yeah yeah yeah it just was like it didn't need to be that long i just feel good i just feel

good when i'm not in a movie that it fails i feel good i don't know what that is anybody else i get a warm feel like when you i don't know it just makes me Anybody else that get a warm feel like when you, I don't know. It just makes me feel good. No, definitely. That's how I felt about the whole Police Academy franchise. You fuckers leave me out? Me? Burn for it! David, is there anything you'd like to direct people towards?

The lot or anything like that? Yeah, you know, you can watch the lot. I got a Comedy Central half hour, you know. Listen, guys, you don't have to. Comedy, it's not the most important thing. Yeah, that's absolutely true. Take it in as you need it. I'm not going to be one of these guys, like,

I'm pretty much dead on Twitter. Don't even go over there. It's an elephant graveyard. You know what I mean? You want to know what I like? Watch Boomerang, the Eddie Murphy vehicle. Damn, dude. Did you watch Boomerang recently?

I've always watched Boomerang recently. Dude, when Martin Lawrence is sitting there like, bitches don't never talk to me like that. And he goes, maybe if you stopped referring to them as bitches. It stuck out even when I was like 10. Boomerang's amazing. It stuck out even when I was like 10. Boomerang. It's amazing. There's a case for it being my favorite

Eddie Murphy movie, to be honest. Boomerang, it's, well, it's amazing. I like Dolomite. I like Dolomite a lot. Dolomite was great. I still put Boomerang over that. They're so different. It's hard.

You can't even compare them. They're two completely different movies. I can't even compare them they're two completely different i wasn't trying to oh i knew i was gonna upset someone we always get in the boomerang conversation and i always upset someone normally it's david because he brings it up i thought dolomite had so much fucking heart in it like it was set like in a way like a lot of movies don't anymore that i really enjoyed that movie yeah by the way that's what i liked about king of staten island is how much heart it had it did have a lot of heart got heart it did it did it really does have heart yeah i think pete has heart i kind of think he does like i don't know the guy's been through a lot i think i saw him

at the improv once he was hilarious and i bit it? I bit it all off. Oh, my God. Main room, too. I hate eating shit at the improv. I feel like I lose steam there faster than in any other room I've ever been. Because it takes you forever to walk the fuck out of there. Usually you can bite it, and then it's just like two steps to the door. You gotta walk all the way down that thing where everybody's looking at you, and then down the hall with the waiters.

Yeah, oof. I do that. No, go ahead, Eddie. I'm sorry. No, I was just gonna say I do it in high heels. That's a show within a show. Bottom line of the improv is like if you got killed as a gladiator in ancient Rome, but then also you got killed, you had to also get up and walk out while everyone watched.

You just gotta go through the crowd it is it's like the crown jewel of stand-up you're in the room you're in you're at the improv and then you eat shit and you're like well darn that's the crown jewel but also boss hogs barbecue uh north of 82nd and portland where i did some of my first shows that's the other crown jewel i had the worst bomb of my life at the improv it was so packed and it was so packed with industry because it was a montreal showcase or something and those motherfuckers weren't giving me anything and it just and and you know it was when i was a younger comic you know i was only in my 50s i was i just it got worse and worse like it was a classic bomb where you know like i didn't think i thought they hated me and i and i and i just then started hating me you get nervous you're sweating yeah and to walk out like you guys were talking about was like so incredibly humiliating yeah the only way to kill in an industry room is

to pass out soho house guest passes and cocaine you know what i mean like it's the only way you're gonna get a response from a room full of agents somebody told me when i was when i did my montreal audition somebody told me it was i think mike burns who's like act like you're killing you won't you won't but just pretend take pauses like you were gonna and i did it and that was the year i got it i would just tell a joke and like that's awesome there'd be like a titter of laughter and then i would just wait another three seconds a bit okay all right and right. And then like, keep moving. I fucking worked. I thought I ate my audition. I thought my audition sucked the,

the year before I kind of nailed it. And I was like, this is it next year. So bad. Got it. Crazy. What does anything now stand up comedy is over. So what does it matter?

I sell insurance. For those who don't know, Montreal is a comedy festival that I will never do because now I'm too old to ever do it for the first time. No, you're not. The only way I'll do it is I'm too old to ever do it for the first time. No, you're not. The only way I'll do it is if we get there as a podcast, which we might do. Or if you get there as a new face.

I don't know, man. All the loose meat you want. All the loose meat. You know what else they got good in Montreal? What? Bagels. Full circle. Much like a bagel.

Eddie Pepitone is also here. Eddie Pepitone on Twitter. Eddie Pepitone on Instagram as well. Yes. Perfect are you guys we're doing well i'm here chilling uh so talk to us a little bit uh because i mean the people they're gonna they if they don't love you already they're gonna love you by the end of this where can they uh see and hear more do you want to talk about your podcast at all uh yeah sure uh you can go to eddiepepitone.com. That's my hub. That's my grounding place. Like, I just feel so safe there. You know, my family feels safe there. You know, we're going to ride out any social unrest. Yeah, you're certainly going to

ride out any climate difficult, you know, all know the climate is collapsing uh you know the social fabric is collapsing and you have to find a safe place and it's my website it's onlypepperton.com and uh it's like a big comforter for your eyes you can seek shelter in this harbor yeah you too what is advertising gonna be like uh pretty soon with that with the society completely unraveling hello and we know you're anxious we didn't yeah basically right and like self-care products that's what people are like all right let me do me i'm gonna sit in the four walls and do me. I think the shovel's coming back. We have four.

Four shovels. It's going to be a big shovel. A big decade for shovels. I think it's a big shovel time. Could you see a meeting of guys in suspenders with cigars going, let me tell you something, Arnie, in a high rise. Shovels. Shovels are back.

We have to get into shovels now dig it Arnie dig it shovels dig it you guys you think I haven't moved some money around into shovels already you're light years ahead of what's

going on though I'm talking four points I'm talking spade shovels I don't know if there are other types i've i went in i went on a 10-way deal with a backhoe i don't have the whole thing i don't have a whole thing but i do have a controlling interest johnny cash baby one piece at a time i had a horrible relationship with a rototiller by the way this is great i love this kind of just free for all with other comics. It's it's it just makes me feel alive because I've I have felt so unalive lately. be the plantar fasciitis or it may be that i need you know to talk to my comedian cohorts you know who have a great sense of silliness yet importance you need it i think you're 100 it's so true

it's the only thing that makes anything seem like it makes any sense or even if it doesn't make sense at least we can all agree that it's fucked you know like yeah yeah man which yeah exactly exactly i just like laughing and my special and my new special is coming out for the masses i taped it at dynasty typewriter typewriter in la beautiful and i'm really very very happy with it and steven fine arts directed it and uh it you know it's it's it's great so i hope people get that it's going to be on where are we oh it's it's it's great. So I hope people get that. It's going to be on where we always going to be on Amazon. If you have Prime for free, Google, Google Play, iTunes and a lot of different platforms, you know, where we're hoping to get it on FEMA.

If we could get this special on FEMA, because I think FEMA's going to be everybody's go-to place pretty soon. Oh, yeah, it's right behind shovels. Yeah, it's next. FEMA's next. FEMA is proud to present the comedy styling

of Eddie Pepitone. But before Eddie comes on, remember, wash your hands. And I mean, we're now recommending you wash your hands in Clorox all day. You should have skeleton hands.

After you're done washing your hands, you better wash your ass, too. I'll tell you that. That's my word. You better go home and wash your ass. They can see that on Amazon and many other streaming platforms right now. Your podcast from the bunker. Yeah. Live from the bunker.

Live from the bunker. Yeah. I got to have all three of you guys on, by the way. Live from the bunker. It's a, it's a Monday through Friday on Instagram live. And it's been really just fun.

It's like a talk for about 40 minutes 45 minutes with another comic and it just wherever it goes you know yeah man that's like one of the most one of the if you have to find something good out of a quarantine that's one of the things like hey do you have time to do a podcast it's like yeah i do so yeah let's do it let's go for it i have plenty of time uh folks like Ian and David are very busy. But for me, I'm just like, yeah. Yeah. No, I'm also as busy as the head writer of a television show.

Yeah, for sure. Dave and I have very similar schedules. Yeah, I wake up. When do I wake up? When do you wake up? I feel like such an asshole when I'm like, oh no, I actually have something going.

It feels crazy to me. Cause all it is, it's like I'm going skating or something. I wake up before I went to bed the next, the earlier night. You know what I mean? There it is. There he goes. There he goes. I have two to three things to do any given day.

I do one to two of them. I do one to two of them. You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm a C student. Listen, you can graduate with Cs, man. You're passing, bro. Exactly.

Exactly. That's right. I did. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram, at Ian Carmel on a Jewish FEMA app. There it is. All right. Yeah.

You can find me on there. It's been an emergency for about 4,000 years. So we're still struggling. By the time this comes out, you watch Game On on CBS. There's a few more episodes left. You are lighting shit up

by the way. Thank you. You're like a sports comedian now. I'm like a sports committee it's crazy i have a firm grip on those coattails and i'm thrilled that you're doing so well thank you i uh it's it's i saw there was a headline that our show was like uh it was it started off very flattering it was like game on number one on the number one on the networks on Wednesday night. And then I was like, oh, amazing. And then the rest of it was like, in a relatively soft market.

Or it was like something like that. I saw that too. You're like, fuck you, dude. I mean, it's like the industry paper. So I guess they just got to say whatever is whatever. And I don't really care about the ratings anyway. But I was just like, oh, my mom will be. Oh, no, I'm not not gonna send that to her also what's better than being hard in a soft market

i like to go down to the vitamin cottage punch people in the face i'm hard in a soft market uh so watch game on uh if you won't watch oh the late late show will be on hiatus by the time so it's all rerun so you don't have to watch that uh or do watch it still um fucking and like not to not to keep driving at home but like david said earlier they still haven't fucking i mean i drive they just fired the first motherfucker and they haven't arrested any of them and two of them still work for the louisville police department there are still guarantee you protest yeah and like there so if you if if you're able to go out and demonstrate and march if if you're not able to there's still a lot of other ways to help and they're easy to find you can keep donating and guys it's the little stuff you know pee on a tesla it doesn't all have to be monetarily

exactly you see you see you see a bmw put a piece of bologna on it just like we used to do the cop cars draw a little frowny face on an orange and slide it on the antenna and then they got to deal with a little frowning orange there's citrus everywhere everywhere it smells good but it's frowning so it's a mixed message that's gonna fuck them up that's gonna fuck little dog poop on the door handle, some Vaseline maybe. But also, if you're gonna do

that baloney thing, wear your mask. Oh yeah. Wear your mask. Absolutely. It leaves a mark, for sure. Yeah.

Also have some baloney for yourself. It's an underrated, it's an underrated snack meat. I like baloney, man. That being said, when you see what it does to a cop car,

I don't know if you're gonna want any more baloney. That's true. That's a fact. On a hot day, peel that off. You don't want that in your belly. It's hilarious. That's one of. On a hot day? That's a baloney fact. You don't want that in your belly. It's hilarious.

That's one of several baloney facts that you'll be exposed to throughout the rest of this podcast. Oh, that's my new podcast bit. And that's a baloney fact, Jack. Just close the computer and walk away. My work here is done.

Oh, man. It's that kind of podcast podcast it's a baloney fact podcast that's a baloney fact right there now we are gathered here today not only to talk about baloney facts but also to fantasy draft animals we would like to be it's a great topic i thought i can't it's another one i can't believe we hadn't done yet it's a great idea I came up with it and you know I you know I don't want to brag that I've already been you know very helpful to this podcast but I think I have yeah absolutely

the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between the three of you and we throw on shoot so here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Eddie. Eddie wins.

Eddie wins. Eddie, even though they both threw paper, so you win. Now, that means it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I want to remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. Sean? A serpentine draft is if you are, let's say you're shoveling thousands of pounds of dirt, and you have two piles that you're shoveling from, and you shovel a bit from one pile,

and just for your mental, for your health, you're like, okay, maybe I'll go over to the other pile and shovel a little bit to make that a little smaller just so it seems like you're doing more things than you are. And then you shovel on the other one for a while and then you look at the previous pile and you're like, you know, now I'm going to switch piles again. But before you do that, you shovel one last shovelful into the truck and then you go over to the first pile

that you were on, shovel that, you get about five, six shovelfuls, as it were, put those into the truck, and then you're like, well, this is getting a little smaller. I'm actually making some decent headway. And then you go back to the other pile, because you don't want them to be too different, because then it's very discouraging.

So before you go back to the other one, you just, like, another shovel or two into the truck, and then you kind of go back to the second one that you were on. What are you talking about? What does this have to do with the game i haven't broken anyone in a while basically if you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round is uh is basically okay that's better that's better i haven't broken anyone in like a hundred episodes oh is that any with that mind with that mind uh what will the order of today's draft be okay i decided this yesterday in my car all right um yesterday i decided this yesterday in my car when i had a little bit of a panic attack because I couldn't breathe. Painting a picture. Oh, wow.

Okay. Hell yeah. Ian first, me second, Sean third, and David fourth. Okay. Hot corner. There it is. You got the hot corner, David. I'm like Wario.

That's what you get when you record from your bed, boy. You get that hot corner. You get that hot corner you get a hot corner listen don't tell people where i'm at i don't know they know you're from an undisclosed comfortable situation recording live from an undisclosed comfortable situation david i got my backup i got my backup like an unclothed comfortable situation if you have we can only hope so naked boring it is i have the first pick in the animals we wish we could be all fantasy everything

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The only instance of recorded human voice in the history. It's only us. Bill Shakespeare. I don't know that dude. It's just us. If you have vinyl and you go put it on right now, it'll be this podcast. I know that seems crazy. It sounds like nothing. Play it backwards.

It sounds like David Bowie a little bit. It could say the Decemberist crane wife on the front of it. You put it on. It's us fantasy drafting something. Is that the real name that you made up? The Decemberists, the crane wife? the front of it you put it on it's us fantasy drafting something what no matter what it is name that you made up the decemberists the crane wife it is the crane wife is real it's a good album yeah the crane wife okay yeah the crane wife you haven't had any experience with that no i like the marchers what's the marchers all right because december is what It was a March joke. It's a different month. No, it's fine. Styles from beyond, guys.

Styles from beyond. Okay, so I have the first pick. We should do the fantasy draft. And with the first pick of animals you'd like to be, I have to... I'm going to... Oh, man. I was not prepared for the first pick.

I'm going to take... I have a guess. I have a guess for you. Do you have a guess? I'm interested to see if... I'll tell you if I got going to take the orca. God fucking damn it! The killer whale!

I thought I was going to be able to get that late. That's your first pick? That's my first pick. I think I would like to be a killer whale. They don't have any predators. You're not going to get attacked. I'm a family man i love my family back i don't have a family myself but i love my family back home killer whales orcas

they live in pods they live a lot of them live in the pacific northwest where i'm from so i'd be close to you know i'd be in familiar waters as it were uh and they they just have fun i mean listen it's cruel from the outside but you know there's those videos of them before they eat a sea lion they just kind of play with it they throw it up in the air uh-huh they play catch with it because i think that's awful from the outside and it's awful but also i don't i'm not here to judge other cultures if you're a killer whale it makes all the sense in the world all of a sudden i be like, I understand why we do this. This is a blast.

We were going to eat the sea lion anyway. No, I understand. They've also, they've been in movies so I could still stay in a showbiz. Did you see Blackfish?

I did see Blackfish. I watched it like four o'clock in the morning the other day. Oh, what? What were you going through? Were you just throwing bricks in the wall? I was going through it.

You were going through it. Damn. Dude, Blackfish at four in the morning. That's like. It was a lot. That's rough. Yeah, it wasn't a good call. No, that's like, that's a lost Drake song.

What'd you follow that up with? What'd you follow that up with? Show up? I don't know up I actually watched sideways it was just a good little well that's a good by the end of it the sun was up and I was in a good mood

I need something that Sandra Oh is kinda in alright popular Thomas Hayden church vehicle other than wings I also just love like i my the place i'm happiest is when i'm like swimming in the ocean like i i don't do it as much as i as i like but like you like getting pounded by waves i love it i love like going out into like really rough seas and just like letting them toss me around like a baby doll like i really do love it i just love

swimming in the ocean i love i don't know there's something about that energy it is funny i go to the ocean and we're like where's ian and then we just look out like out there and we're like oh he's by himself out there like just with a huge smile on his face just standing there with his arms out like yes it's fun sometimes like you know how in the beginning, in the middle of Good Will Hunting, he's like, sometimes I expect to come to your door and I just don't see you? Sometimes I expect us to go to the beach and you just keep walking. And we never saw you again. I used to like get in my head like that i was like one day i'm just gonna swim to hawaii or like when i was a little kid i remember being in florida we

were visiting my grandma and like they have very gentle waves there yeah and for some reason in my head i got it like i would just there would be waves rolling in and i would throw myself into them like i still do and in my head i was like i'm in a war with the gods of the ocean and i'm not gonna lose and i would just keep throwing myself into these waves i love it like eventually you lose you gotta go home and eat you know what i mean like a cold cut tray but like you're tired you go you get tuckered out bud yeah you got that capri sun back on shore yeah i'm gonna go listen all right i gotta get back sorry poseidon i got a juice box there's no shame in losing sharpie's up on the shore teaching a stranger how to throw a perfect slider with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth yeah sharpie's out there being america's

stepdad but like i i'm never happy i am truly never like happier or more at peace i never feel like my blood pressure is lower than like after i get out of the ocean so i guess as an orca you don't get to ever get out of the ocean but i assume i was you don't want out nah so back in that's that's my first pick the only thing i would say the only thing i would say is just the uh the horrific uh crap we're doing to the oceans you know human beings have polluted them you know all the fucking plastics uh just we we you know so i i hope the orc you know your life as an or orca is it or the killer or a killer whale either way it's actually pronounced urukai yeah i hope your life urukai you know i hope your life as a killer whale would be uh unencumbered by you know all

the fucking industry now that we have dumped into the ocean i would be an orca that was also heavily invested in a uh plastics concern so i would still be getting some like money out yeah i would still be getting some back in yeah you're the lobbyist yeah uh no i know you're dead oh i see you're dead right i would try to be like in puget sound in one of the sort of like you know like uh very like uh hip sort of areas close enough to seattle that like people care the only thing you see in the puget sound like like Sound is just a recipe for cilantro infused salmon floating by once in a while. Right, exactly. I get stuck in my blowhole.

Yeah, sometimes I accidentally run into an immaculately restored boat from the 50s that somebody really poured a lot of their tech money into. That and occasionally a Ken Griffey Jr. plushie like that's all i ever have to deal with uh yeah killer whale that's my first pick any of this time for your first pick oh my god

i didn't know i was going so quickly um that's a joke about that i i did the order um yes i would be a i'll tell you what i would be. I would be a goat. Oh. Okay. I feel like that was on David's list, too. Don't worry about my list. Hold your oohs and aahs. Don't worry about my list.

See, you try to show... You see what happens, Sean? You try to show concern for somebody, and they feel like you're suffocating them. I know what animal David's going to pick. A sea anemone, because as soon as someone starts to get close, he sucks in just like that. There it is.

This is not about me. It's about you being nude in your bed while you're yelling at me. And I don't appreciate any part of that. Guys, I want to hear why Eddie wants to be a goat. Oh, well, I think it's obvious. First of all, they are just so magical. If you've seen a goat, I don't know if any of you have seen a goat in person because, you know, most of nature is gone, which is one reason why I picked this topic. I think we should have a nice conversation about animals before they're finally all gone.

So goats are just so magical. And there's this Instagram account. I forget what Goats of Anarchy is called. Has anybody seen it? I just fell in love with them, man. And they're fast. They are the cutest, most magical things in the world. And I've had such issues with with you know how cute i am

you know like that's been a big thing uh in therapy you know i'm 61 now and you know i still want to be cute and if i were a goat that kind of thing does not leave you they also they also are taken care of i mean they're so beautiful. They also are taken care of. I mean, they're so beautiful. They're taken care of. And I need a lot of care around me. You know, I need a lot of care. I usually call it team Peppertone.

And goats can eat just about anything from from cans uh to orange rinds and i think that would be really nice i've had stomach issues for a lot of my life i have acid reflux and if i'd love to be an animal that has such a great the chip digest digestive tract that they can eat. Anything's in play. You're like, yeah. Of course I can have some pizza. I eat cans. No, don't send it back. Whenever a goat goes to a restaurant, don't send it back.

I'll take his too, by the way, that he sent back because it wasn't fucking, oh, there's cardamom in it and he can't have cardamom? I'll take that, please. Bring me the garbage in your watch. I'm going to eat everything in this goddamn place. Also, do you't have cardamom? I'll take that, please. Bring me the garbage in your watch. I'm going to eat everything in this goddamn place. Also, do you have any trans in there? I'll take a Del Monte.

You can. Anything kind of Del Monte. I couldn't help but hear that your meat slicer broke, and I'll eat that, too, if you send it out. My high school, my senior year prom date had a goat named Ringo. I like that. Hilarious. Ringo.

Was it great? Yeah. Was it great? Yeah. Was it great? Yeah, he was great. He would like fall asleep randomly sometimes. But other than that, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a narcoleptic goat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, he was cool, man. Or you were boring the hell out of that goat. I was not as together as I am now. You were still funny. It's just the delivery hadn't been honed. And I couldn't relate. He was in the Beatles.

What did I have to say? You know what I mean? I really liked Octopus's Garden, Ringo. And he's like, that's the only song anyone ever brings up. I wrote five of those. Goats is a great pick. In Portland, they would use goats we would have urban goats that would like clear field so like if they needed to like clear a field like if they were

going to build something there they would just bring goats in and they'd leave them there for like three months and the goats would eat everything up and they would like kind of move them around and now they're like a permanent uh there's a permanent urban goat farm in Portland. So you can go like see the goats. And they do like goat yoga there and stuff like that where they climb over you. It's pretty, you're right. They're very cute. They're cute little dudes.

Aren't they? They're so cute. Also, I know you're vegan, but goat cheese, you'd be giving a gift. You know, I never liked, you know, before I was vegan, I never did. I never liked that taste it was too too foreign to my it isn't earthy it's it does taste like yeah the grass a little bit a bit you do i'm a mozzarella so close uh goats sean jordan you're the goat what's uh time for your first pick i uh i want to be one of my first picks i want to be very powerful i've always because i'm not very strong i never

have been so i've always wanted to be something that would be very strong and just huge and gnarly would be a word i want to be a kodiak bear oh a big gnarly and you know i know i can seem violent but i just want to know what that feels like just to be like fucking powerful like crazy gnarly stupid powerful and just like huge too they're like eight feet tall when they stand up yeah and their claws are crazy and they have claws i'm sure we'll touch on claws a little bit, both the television show and animals, but shout out to Niecy Nash. Big shots. I would. Yeah.

Just to have like a big clawed out paw would be super dank. And I don't know. And also to be that fast and that huge would be very fun. They're super far North, right? Yeah. They're up there in Alaska. And I've always wanted to go to Alaska.

Kodiak Island. Yeah. Yeah. And they're in the, the, do they catch salmon? Do they catch salmon in rivers? i don't know the i know they the bears in alaska do i don't know if kodiak grizzlies do i imagine they do they probably eat a lot of stuff they probably eat like caribou i imagine yeah they

eat these these ones eat salmon yeah and that would always that'd be a trip too like to catch a fish like i was in like i'm in blood sport or something. Just put your hand in there? Yeah, out of the river. That'd be so gnarly. Yeah. Dog, look at this fish I caught. I'd just say that. Yeah, they eat a lot of stuff.

They eat vegetation. They eat animals that died during the winter and were just kind of frozen there. See that? See that? I don't like to kill, so I just go get an animal that's already dead, and I'm like, Eddie, you'll like this. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt, Sean.

No, you're good. Although deer are abundant on the archipelago and mountain goats are abundant on kodiak island few kodiak bears actively prey on them they don't eat goats we're getting along we're getting comedy it's a buddy comedy they're good friends yeah yeah yeah that would be a buddy comedy right secret lives of kodiak bears and goats john's sean's just a chilled out skateboarding kodiak bear and you're his goat who hangs out tell me there's not a cereal coming out of that i'm a bellicose yeah it'd be so bad the pacific garbage island let them god now i want to be a Kodiak bear that skateboards

I wonder how big my board's going to have to be Probably very wide Like 30 inches wide and I'm guessing God I don't know 80 inches long I have no idea this math There's a couple skateboarders that hit me up Who really enjoy this stuff

No I believe you This is out of my this is out of my jurisdiction i don't i don't i yeah i'm out i'm yeah man a kodiak bear just standing like gnarly and just being huge would be fun ursa big ursa a citizen of the illusion islands the kodiak bear david it is time for your first and second picks, as it is a serpentine draft. Ian, you started it out. I'm also taking it to the ocean. My first pick, I would like to be a leatherback sea turtle.

Damn. I was kicking around a turtle. Oh, man. I love. It's so hard to explain. Next time, like, you ever just see something and you're like, man, I get what you're doing. Fuck yeah. That's how I've always felt about sea turtles.

Last time I played Go Bananas, me and Zach went to the aquarium in Kentucky there across from Cincinnati. And I was just, I mean, I was pretty stoned, but I was watching the sea turtles for, you know, 25, 30 minutes. They're the fastest reptiles. Leatherback sea turtles. They're the fastest reptiles. They eat jellyfish. Once they get in the water, they never come out. They just seem pretty cool.

They're some of the deepest diving. They go way fucking deep. How big are they? They are, I think, so from from what i read it's like they say they can be up to a thousand pounds but i don't really think that that's right that's a wikipedia quick dive wow but they're big as hell they get big dude i think they can't fuck yeah even if also the agent said they couldn't tell really like those things get like they're like fucking like volkswagen beetle not quite that big but like fucking big dude really yeah how big really not that big i went way too i went way too far like as big as a tv yeah really a tv well like the tv in the back i'm saying like

the tv i've only been around one television in my life and it's ian's and it's right behind him so i'm just wondering if they get as big as that television. Yeah, I mean they get big as hell. They also run hot. I run hot. They're like some of the warmest reptiles. Oh, nice. Yeah, because they're some of the most active. They only rest like 0.1% of the day.

The rest of the time they're just like I can see me just catching a wave. You know what I mean? Just catching a groove, floating around all day. Yeah, I get that. Yeah, I can see that for sure. That sounds amazing. Regular listeners to the program will know that I scuba dive.

And I used to go snorkeling a lot. And I was in Hawaii once. And when you say scuba, self-contained underwater breathing apparatus? That's what he's talking about. Yeah. That's 100%. I was just checking for the heads when i was uh utilizing a self-contained underwater breathing apparatus uh you would like see sea turtles in there they're just so like their combination of how graceful they are when they move through the water which is like hypnotizing but then they still have that grumpy turtle face because they also kind of seem like

the one i was watching at the aquarium last time he was so beautiful and i was watching him i was just like man we are syncopated like i just get you and i feel like we're both old souls and then he like swam directly into the glass it was like it made the biggest it was like bonk oh so also you're a big dumb idiot like me i i get that i get what you're doing that turtle thought he blew it but it only made the bond stronger if anything i only felt deeper in love yeah i just love seat well he was trying to get to you he was trying to get to you that was his graduate moment. Elaine. Elaine. I'm Elaine. Ponk, ponk, ponk, ponk, ponk.

I'm the sea turtle Elaine. People have said that. That's right. Two, you're on that flight from Cincinnati back to LA, having your regrets. You know what I mean? Like, oh, now that we got it, did we really want it? Was this right? Damn.

Deep. I took them out for skyline chili. Cinnamon spaghetti chili shout out to go bananas and all the craziness that happens at that club you're a dice game going at the club i've had a lot of things going at go bananas for people that don't know some of these comedy clubs you can do some pretty buck shit at a comedy club like they oh man shout out to jeff tate just the whole banana ran barnaclo they got a guy named ran barnaclo you know it's crazy that's crazy yeah man and everybody leaves and they're like all right now we can have fun you're like what yeah that's not that for sure you want to see some shit come in the kitchen i don't know

we have a sea turtle leatherback sea turtle is your first pick and your second pick david african elephant come on that's come on i imagine it was on all of our lists but why what what are you picking what i was saying i imagine like that loosely was on all of our lists but what are you picking up what i was saying i imagine like that loosely was on all of our list but what are you picking it for i think they're super smart which is awesome they're affectionate like they're known to like they do that hugging thing they also have that weird like that seismic uh what do you call it like the way they stamp the ground is also a form of communication they're super social they're matriarchal. Cause Hey, let's give that a try.

You know what I mean? I'm on board, man. I try to live my life. All my rep, they have graveyards. Like, man, it's just like,

Oh yeah. Yeah. It's unbelievable that they're killed for their ivory or they're killed for, I mean, they're, you, you know, you see like the Trump kid posing with the

dead elephant. Those people who killed him. All those evil things. That's like one of the ones where I'm just, I don't know, there's something about it that just makes it so big. I don't think he's doing a good job, honestly. The Trump kid? You're talking about Don Trump.

I really don't think he's doing well. I'm off. I'm off completely almost at this point. That's one vote I wish I could take back. You know what I mean? Toothpaste is out of the tube. I understand how the world works, but give me a time machine. I'm using it.

I thought a businessman could run the world. No. Yeah. They can swim some of them. think asian elephants are the ones asian elephants can definitely swim but african elephants might be able to yeah i mean it's just like they do they have in their foot they're like their their foot bone is like almost is kind of like that it's connected to the ham bone i believe it is connected to the ham bone i just realized this is a podcast and nobody can see this it's like it's it's played in such a way like they're the the the bones of the toes

are like on the ground and then it arches up dramatically and then like underneath that is there's like a membrane or something that like does detect like the seismic yeah i was reading about that yeah so it's like another way like they have. You can tell when they're communicating, which is just social animals in general are so cool. Did you see that one who there was like a researcher out there who was wearing a hat, and he put it on his head, and the elephant reached out, took it, put it on his head? What? Dude, they say they have self-aware. They can recognize themselves in a mirror.

Yeah. They're self-aware. God, that's awesome. Even smarter than we thought probably if fucking yeah in a in a better world we would be allies we should be allies with the african hell yeah i am i'm i'm an ally they just have to choose to be an ally of mine shauna shauna's allied himself with the African elephants. Yeah, I'm in. I'm with you guys. It's fine. I mean, he says. Yeah, I like them.

Also, body positivity. Big time. Thick. Elephants are thick. No, there's no elephants on a diet, man. There's not one of them. No, no. Thick toenails.

Thick toenails. Lips and fingertips. They got it all. Also, have you seen when they do get pissed when they do get pissed off, like when somebody's coming too close to the herd and then they like bake their ears. Oh, yeah. They're super scary. It's like that quiet storm kind of thing.

Yeah. You know what I mean? Where it's like, I'm not going to I'm not going to let it out of the cage until I have to. Right. Otherwise, I'm happy. That's what I do when the mailman comes over. I just stand there and do that.

And I'm like, I dare you to I'm like I dare you to come in I dare you to come in dude I tried to do an elephant how's that I can't even I'm not gonna I could try this is not gonna work

come to AFV there's three dudes trying to make elephant noises for four minutes. Spawn people. I swear to God, people listen to it. We're not lying.

It's not just for us to listen to later in the night. It's for a lot of people. We put these out. Yeah, absolutely. African elephant. Sean, time for your first pick. That shit would be hilarious

to tell someone you have a podcast and then it's just it's just no i just you know yeah totally and then it's just 500 episodes before we release the first one oh yeah that hasn't happened to you guys before yet either the second pick is going to be a rupals gripping griffin vulture because they can fly 37 000 feet high rupals griffin vulture because they can fly 37 000 feet high rupaul's griffin vulture rupaul's and gryffindor r-u-p-p-l-e-s rupaul's gryffindor culture i frankly think rupaul would probably be more of like a uh i thought a ravenclaw ravenclaw for sure yeah i can see rupaul being any one of them rupaul's got gears. Sorry, go ahead. A RuPaul's Griffin Vulture.

Talk about it, dude. Lay it out. They can fly at 37. I looked what animal can fly it. Who can fly the highest? 37,000 feet is where planes cruise. I mean, can you imagine being able to fly yourself that high in the air? Cold as hell.

I can't even imagine dunking. It'd be insane. And then just to go fly i mean obviously we all want to fly and i'm sure birds are going to come up again but to be able to be that high up to where you're almost in space and you could just you could just go you could just be flying i mean it's very simple i think about that where it's like that's the it's also like that's the way the that animal sees the world yeah you know like it sees the like it's sees the world. Yeah.

It's on the ground, but it's like, okay, yeah, this is cool, but I could be up there in 10 minutes. Yeah. I mean, imagine coming down, if you're at 37,000 feet and you're like, all right, I'm just going to cruise down and see what's down there when I get down there. That feeling of just cruising down on your own and deciding you could drop for a while, you could drop for a while, like, you could free fall, you could glide, it'd be amazing. And how do you even know where you're at? That sense of direction is also insane. You take me up 30,000 feet in the 37,000

and then I just, like, fly around for a while, I'm coming back down in Bangladesh. I'd make sure these pilots weren't getting drunk on the job is what i'd be doing just be flying right next to the plane peering in the window making sure they're not getting any knobbers or anything you know there's little knobbers going on in there are there no southwest flight what what's your tail number what's your tail number identify yourself

i think i said knobber the other day, and Laura's like, did you say knobber? Sometimes you gotta say knobber, dude. You would be okay. So you would accept the fact that you're going to eat carrion, just dead and rotting flesh. But you would exchange that for the ability to fly. It's worth it. If I can go that high that high then i don't nothing else matters to me i want to be able to go the highest they live for 41 years and

then i probably just push it to the limit until i die that's good for a bird they got like a 10 foot wingspan dude you're like big you're like that michael jordan poster yep that's it so i've often wanted to be the bird that was compared to a michael jordan poster well that's happening it's happening right now. How does it feel to live your fantasy? It's real good. Both thumbs. I have to agree with you that birds are just,

I mean, that feeling of flight and just the overview. And it seems to me as well that you can escape so much danger. Like, uh, I remember, you know, Bill Burr was talking about, about you know the only way to

get out of la is a helicopter you know when all the shit goes down and and and birds are built in right they're just like okay we're out we're out we're gonna we're gonna what you call migrate that just means we're just gonna get the fuck out forever there's that great there's there's that great todd glass joke about he's driving he's like driving through like a bad like a bad part of town and he sees a bird and he's like why would a bird live in a shitty neighborhood oh yeah it's so i love that dude what were you were you going to say, Sean? That was it. Ruples and Griffin Vulture. Because they can fly so high, baby.

That's a good move. Big Bird. Eddie, time for your second pick. Okay, this is easy. Snow Leopard. Ah! Snow Leopard. Did we all have that? Walk is Ruined. Walk is Ruined. I'll walk you through it.

I'll tell you, I've always wanted to photograph well. Like, I don't know about you, but whenever, you know, someone shows me a picture of me, it's always disappointing. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's just disappointing and you know whenever someone shows a picture of me i'm always like god damn it look at you please take an interest in yourself but with the snow leopard you cannot but look like a centerfold seriously they're like snow leopards are like Rihanna.

It's all hot. It's all hot. Yeah. National Geographic, you know, they salivate over a picture of a snow leopard. So I would be in demand. I like being in demand. You know what I mean? I just like being in demand and being a recluse.

Like snow leopards are a lot like J.D. Salinger. They are very reclusive. They have a great they have a great, great reputation. You know, they only do interesting projects, which is like just, you know, I don't know what they come out for. I think they basically just come out for quality things yeah absolutely yeah a lot of people think a snow leopard ghost wrote uh the outsiders that's like one of the also also nine stories six of them were written by uh snow leopards yeah franny was a person but zoe was a snow leopard. Was that Salondra? I don't know. To go back to your

getting taken pictures of thing for a second. Also the fact that people take pictures of us doing stand-up all the time, which is like always at an upward angle and always like Oh, the upward angle is the worst. There's this show, Hot Tub

in LA that I love. It's so fun to do. But you're up on this big stage and they always take pictures down below and I'm always every picture looks like you're about to say like cheese they always want your zany face too they always try to catch you with your hand out

being like sports and you're like you can just get me standing there with the microphone looking okay every picture I get taken there I look like I'm carved out of cream cheese. It's just like not a flat ear. It's just not a flat ear. Whenever they send me the hot tub photos, I have my therapist on Skype. Why don't you take a look at these first and let me know if there's anything in here for me?

Oh, God. That's funny. Snow leopards, I love. They have that big tail, tail too because they're such like acrobats yeah it's a bushy tail yeah looks like a looks like a pipe cleaner it's huge there's a funk yeah yeah funk yeah by the way can you tell can you tell just from the short amount of time that we've been talking about animals that i and i've said this that animals except for you know our kind of intelligence are just superior to us in in in every fucking way yeah you know what i mean they are so superior they are so superior to human beings and i just think

it is hilarious the way we just like are like fuck them you know let's kill it's just amazing to me that we are killing magic we are killing our magic when we when we don't respect animals don't you think it's yeah i mean yeah dude they don't need technology that's how they know they're you know they're great this was enough true whatever this is this was enough for them they didn't have to have they didn't have to make the dark night rises to have to feel something. There's no snow leopard with a bank account just in case. They don't even need music. Some of them make music.

I think about that more than any of you think I do, honestly, especially with shit hitting the fan right now. First of all, you don't know how much I think you think about animals. You have no fucking idea how much I think you think about animals. I think about that shit a lot where I'm like, I don't know how much I think you think about animals. You have no fucking idea how much I think you think about animals. I think about that shit a lot, where I'm like, I don't need anything. I mean, I need certain things. You don't need the Dark Knight Rises? No, I didn't need it.

I'll tell you right now. I want it to break right now. I didn't need the Dark Knight Rises. I want it to break just like Batman's back. Yeah, I want it to break. Well, you're a better man than me. You're a better man than me. You're a better man than me. I,

I, I was surviving just on the trailer for a while. It was dope. It was a good movie. If we want to talk about that for a while, that's fine. I love that movie. Oh yeah,

absolutely. I need food. I need love. And yeah, Christian Bale, Christian Bale. Oh, he's the best Batman ever.

Chris Bale. Chris Bale. Yeah, absolutely. Hey Chris. Chris, is it true that you eviscerated a gaffer? Is it true? Yes, it's true.

You saw Danny go on my way. He's so cocky. Chris, has the absence of any situation that would have consequences warped your brain in any significant ways? That is so fuck like that. i guess just by the way if i was filming if i was filming the hours that christian bale was filming that i would have eviscerated everybody it's so tiring it could be very time i've only done a few i've only done a

few things but it is so tiring it's like it, it's exhausting. The boredom is exhausting. And then when you're really acting, it's fucking, you know, you're battling your inner demons because you always have that one voice going, you're terrible. Yeah.

You're terrible. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You're just going to say it like that, huh? You're just going to say it like that. Acting takes so long. Why does it take so long?

Eddie, I acted with you once on a tv show what what was that show you guys stood outside warner brothers and acted like you were on the show no no me and eddie do tv sean remember that they don't want me david we did those who can't you were a judge and i was a lawyer. Yeah. That's awesome. I forgot about that. That was a lot of fun, too. Imagine me and David just go, me and David, just the rest of the show, just talk about, do you remember when we were on a set of Taxi? We were, we just, I mean, it was awesome when Bobby, Bobby brought us lunch.

Oh, my God. No. And then you remember that Andy, you remember he wasn't eating meat at the time, just beets. And we were making fun of him. He had this whole container of beets. And we were like, what are you going to do? You're not even going to go anywhere. This isn't going to work for you.

You're just eating beets. And then he showed us. Yeah, but I'll tell you,ian bale gets shit for that you know for that incident i i guess it's just but man that's a tough gig man yeah he killed heath ledger heath ledger was fucking filming so many hours and on so many different fucking pills for insomnia and whatever the balancing act yeah it's fucking it's yeah it does suck a lot out of people and like you're also sean doesn't do tv i don't it's what it's a big reason it's a big reason it's one of the main reasons that and like craft service often has vegetables involved he

stays away from that yeah also like the tip of a spear you're like all this stuff everybody else's work it like you're the tip of that spear all the lighting people everyone who's built a set and it's like it's all coming down to me being able to like give a performance right now otherwise it doesn't matter how beautiful the set is that this incredibly talented person built no you like you know what the movie gadi could have the most beautiful sets in the world and nobody noticed because they were like, Travolta's fucking showing his ass right now. You know what I mean? Like, that could have the best wardrobe person in the world.

Somebody who's, like, worked their whole life. You know, I never saw that. Was that a horrible, horrible movie? I've also never seen it. I've only ever heard of it. I saw the trailer, and it was bad. I'll tell you this. Oh, wow.

Tom Hardy's going to be Capone, and that looks like it's going to be fun. Oh, yeah. He's good. Yeah, that looks like it'll be a fun one. How's he going to figure out how to cover the bottom half of his face if he's playing a gangster? Big scarves.

Snow Leopard. It's time for my second and third picks. As it is. As it is a serpentine draft. I was flipped all around. With my second pick, I am going to take my first animal. It was big on freedom, the ocean, like determining where you want to go, family. My second pick, I'm appealing to my kind of more shut-in side and the part of me that likes to be lazy and taken care of.

I would like to be a Persian cat. God damn it! You are a Persian cat. For the same exact reason I had wish granted my friend you already are i'm kind of a persian i am kind of a persian cat god you have so many of the same tendencies that i imagine a persian cat has oh my god yeah i mean first of all you're persian i wish i'm persian I'm Persian. Oh, no.

It's spelled P-U-R-R-J-I-N. Yeah. Persian. I'm also Persian. Sometimes I'm Persian. Sometimes I'm Bingen. I'm a cyclone. That's good.

That's good. We're here at Grosinger's up in the hills. I'll tell you, if I could be any animal, I could be any animal. Listen, I love to eat. I love to eat. You know what I mean? Corned beef, pastrami, whatever it is, put in front of me. In fact, if I could be any kind of animal, I'd be a purging cat.

Except for when I was a binging cat. Sometimes I'm binging, sometimes I'm purging. I'd like to remind everyone, the kayak lessons start at 2 p.m. Is that your wife, sir, or a communist plot to overthrow the government? Who is that? For a second, I thought Lyndon Baines Johnson himself was in the audience. Oh, man.

I would just love it. They're like big, fluffy animals. Sometimes they're grumpy. Sometimes they're affectionate, and people love them anyway. they're like any cat they're just like an extreme version of a cat and i just think i also just think they're beautiful you know what i mean so it'd be fun to just be a beautiful little persian cat hanging out all the time the way you said it i'm like yeah you are a beautiful persian cat just hanging out i love from the back they look like they're wearing big furry pants you know what i mean for some reason they got hammer pants on man they got big

kind of sassy pants for sure they're sassy they're fucking and they're like they're like by their body positive too like a persian cat isn't nothing there's anything wrong with being fat listen i'm fat they're just like it's all fur but they're okay with it you know what i mean they're fine with it they like the fact that they're big and taking up space you know yes they're confident i would be i'd like to have that confidence they are oozing with confidence yeah yes and they have a beautiful elegance you know yeah beautiful elegance they really one that i that i find myself reaching for even in my best moments i uh so persian cat that's my uh second pick now with my third pick i'm going to merge those two picks in sort of a way sort of the this is going to be an abomination

island of dr morozy this is my bastard animal it's i'm gonna combine the it's i'm going back to the ocean but with sort of the attitude of a persian cat my third is going to be the whale shark i would like to be a whale shark it is i don't know much about whale sharks we'll buckle up i'm going to tell you the three things i know he has to buckle up honey honey you you should get in here he's gonna talk about whale sharks i knew it i knew he was gonna do it finally they live in they live in war they live in warm water and that's very appealing uh yes they they're they're not like they're not like the fucking like acidic like crazy predators that most sharks are they they eat a plankton like a whale they just

open their mouth and like swim through the ocean and like filter it out kind of like the way like brush brush teeth things baleen baleen is what i'm talking baleen baleen baleen that's it that's the whole bit I didn't have lyrics for the rest of it David also made a baleen joke he doesn't sit baleen anymore Eddie would you like to make a baleen based pun no

I'm sorry I was spacing out I need balsamic vinegar tomorrow and I was just spacing out like a grocery list. Sorry. It's all right. You can bail in on the rest of us to carry the podcast.

They lean on me when you're on our phone. I like their pattern is very beautiful to me. When I was growing up, we had a we had like a cast iron sort of like pot that always looked like that it was like speckled i don't even know why i'm saying this but i always would look at it it was like dark blue and had like white speckles on it i'm saying this because my mom listens to this podcast and i'm wondering if she will also remember this and uh it always looked like a whale shark to me and i was like i've always associated those two things. One of my worst stories I've told on this podcast. No, that's how I did.

Yeah, a little. All right, cool. I'll tell you what is the hardest you've ever been on yourself on this podcast. I don't like that. I'm sorry about that. You're right. She's in rice, bud. CBS just optioned that story, by the way, too.

So I guess I was wrong. Good stuff. Good stuff. Get me that. I want that story. The mother thing. The mother thing. Get it. Get it. I want that story. The mother thing. Give me the kid who's got the story. I want it in you now. We're selling shovels. We need a show

to show the commercials. What about a kid who thinks about whale sharks when he sees a roast getting made? And let Christian bail in the office. He'll eviscerate us if he doesn't come in. Do not keep him out of the way. He'll eviscerate us if he doesn't come in. Do not eat the body away. Don't give him the small bottle.

Oh, sorry, Sean. What were you doing? Nothing. Terrible Christian Bale impersonation. That's what I was doing. It's all right. It's all right. It's probably all right.

That was a good one. People swim with them, too. Like, you can go scuba dive with whale sharks. They just don't care. They're just very, just, like, chill. Because nothing's going to eat them. They're so fucking big fucking big that like they're not in a hurry for anyone i think it would just be like a chill existence they don't have an aggressive they they're not aggressive not even not one bit they're just they're they're like one of the most docile

creatures in the ocean it's crazy that they're a shark i think you could swing i think you could swim with them at the atlanta aquarium as a matter of fact. Oh, that's right. I've never been to the aquarium there, but they do have whale sharks. I've been to the Atlanta Aquarium. Crazy. It's actually... Yeah, and you can swim with them. You take, I think, a little training session, and then you can swim with them day of.

I would absolutely do that. If you're a risk taker, you can swim with anything at any aquarium. You just have to go do it. They make rules to be broken, my friend. Just depends on how eager you are for permission. Whale shark, that's my third pick. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just going to say, I think there is an offshoothoot of antifa that breaks into aquariums and swims

with anything it is i've actually i've seen a lot of it happen yeah yeah sorry about that that was a long way to go for that you were about to hey all we do is take the long way on this show we've never taken the short way anywhere yeah this is this is right. This is taking the one up to San Francisco. Any time for your third pick? Okay, I can't believe no one grabbed this one already, but a giant panda. It was going to get grabbed. That's a good one. Those giant pandas that apparently are almost extinct as well. And they're so cared for. You know know they're revered by the chinese yeah

and um me and the giant panda you know i sean jordan giant panda is revered by the chinese sean because he's got a black belt in taekwondo which is a korean martial art but it's they still respect it black belt oh shit sean's got a black not just a skateboarder second degree black two strips of bacon on that burger oh boy um so by the way my self-defense course uh i teach people how to beg for their life like i just i just teach them how to be you you know, really, really like, please, please, I'm 61 and my special comes out tomorrow. Please. I'm picturing everybody. Yeah, I tailor it to people's lives. But anyway, what what would be better than a giant panda? I mean, they are there. They seem to be unbelievably soulful, like the giant panda. It just seems like it's like a scoop of ice cream. I want to be that to people. You know,

I got into comedy and I think all three of, you know, to spread mirth, to spread joy. Yeah. So I would want to be a giant panda because of the way they spread just absolute joy. And also to have bragging rights over other animals because the Chinese just eat everything. And, you know, the only thing they don't eat are giant pandas. That's right. Oh, yeah, they don't eat. Yeah. Damn.

I'd like I wonder if anyone has. There's got to be somebody out there who's like i've had panda i think there was a place in echo park to shut down quickly jonathan golden he never quite made it it was gonna he was gonna bust it wide open i oh yeah pandas no one's ever upset that they saw a panda that's never like right i don't know if I've ever seen one. That's a fucking panda. They have them in San Diego, or they at least did have them in San Diego.

Is that right? Yeah, they have them in San Diego Zoo. Too busy with those turtles boning last time I was there to get any farther. So I don't know if I saw them. Oh, that's right. You saw turtles fucking in the San Diego Zoo. It was, boy, the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen some funny stuff. I've seen all of you do stand-up and turtles having sex was funnier than

that that's i never i was never i never i was here to doubt that i've known that from jump street i'm racing against myself i'm not racing against the pandas yeah let's see them do that for 60 minutes if i walk if i walk into an audition room and there's a panda there, I'm just like, hey man, congrats. Congratulations. I love how roly-poly they are too. You see footage of them at a zoo and they're just like tumbling around fucking with people.

I love it. Just rolling around like Violet Beauregard. Just, oh, what are you guys doing? That's a great pull. She's the one who turned into the big Violet was turning violet. She turned into the blue you guys doing? That's a great poll. She's the one who turned into the big, Violet is turning violet, she turned into the blue bear, right? That's my man right there. Sean,

it's time for your third pick. I want to be tiny, I want to be cute, I want to be mischievous, I want to be a red fox. I love a red fox. Shut up, dummy! And I want to be hilarious. This is the big one. this is the big one this is the big one

Harriet I'm coming to join you I'm coming to join you you know what's funny is I just mentioned red fox today people were saying who your all time favorite black comedians and I was like oh red fox man he was so funny

dirty too dirty dirty yeah yeah super and he died on a set do you know that i didn't know really some horrible sitcom you know i mean he had it and they treated him like shit yeah google that red fox's death yeah yeah i mean What a life. And he was successful. That's what we're hoping for. Was Red Fox the comedian who was friends with Malcolm X? Or did they work in the same kitchen? Yeah, they used to wash dishes together in Harlem. Is that right?

Yeah, they also sold cheap suits together. Or stolen suits. Cheap stolen suits. stolen cheap stole whatever fell off the truck what do you know they were cheap for them so sean wants to move to harlem yeah yeah yeah that we can be i'd want to be the comedian or the cute little animal either one cross 100 for the sake of this grab by the fox specifically i think fox are they're super cute and they feel mischievous. And I think there'd be something fun about being mischievous and just like getting into shit. Yeah. Kind of sexy.

Yeah. Yeah. Kind of sexy. Not really. No. I think, I think if you really want to go that route, you might, you might have, you know, with a little more thoughtfulness, Sean chose raccoon. We're not done drafting animals what are you doing holy

buckets holy cow this motherfucker wants to be a red fox i want to be a red fox sean time for your or david time for your third and fourth picks as it is a serpentine draft as it is a serpentine i want to be a kangaroo oh because i like to fight and jump no i the way they the way that their mobile is super cool people have often made fun of me for being a 30 year old plus who wears backpacks none of that problem with the pouch and also built in who's not an adult torso with pecs and shit if you're a kangaroo you're shredded and they can swim doesn't come up a lot, but they can swim, too. Can they really? Yeah, they're great swimmers.

I've been known to hop in water to escape predators. I've always thought I wanted to go to Australia, but I don't think I could deal with what the reality of it would be. If I saw a kangaroo swimming, I think I might start falling apart. It doesn't make sense. Even you just said it, and it's hard to understand those words. It feels like you stroked out. You can see crocodile.

I saw a kangaroo sitting. Ian, sit down! No, I was swimming. Do you smell raisins? There's so many things that can kill you in Australia. It's the whole. You know, they have the most oh yeah lethal stuff you know yeah can kill you bruvs can kill you uh fosters can kill you god damn it part of that i like i like

the idea of being so far away from humans also the fact that nature has like it's a little bit more of an even playing field over there yeah they. Build a subdivision here. We're going to fill it with spiders. You know? Yeah. Yeah. They, crocodiles, they swim in the ocean. You could just be in the ocean and it's like a fucking crocodile.

Come on. I don't think we were ever supposed to go down there. No, dude. No. No, people have been there forever. I don't mean that. Yeah, but those people maybe, but like me specifically should never be.

We'll end up there. Ocean is scary. They got fish you can step on and it kills you. And they get in close to the shore and like wriggle into the sand and you step on it. Is that like on their fun beaches, like on their public beaches or is that like? I think they probably aren't there as much, but like, you know, pull off to the side of the road, walk into the ocean and then see your last dip listen well i'm gonna go to australia we'll figure it out they love they love podcasts so good day mate oh yeah shout out to all our australian listeners sorry if we get a hundred i did the melbourne comedy festival that was great. Was that awesome? See, they love comedy, right?

Oh, yeah. Guys, if we can get 150 people to come out to a show, I can't promise anything. I'll promise I'll be there and I'll have some alcohol. Yeah. And if you fly me out as a special guest, I will prepare.

Guys, Peppitone will prepare. Hard to turn that down. Tell your prime minister. You're not ready for prepared Pepitone. Not a lot of people are. Ready for Pepitone, dude. Remember, Grossingers were open every day. Comedy every goddamn day.

We have two different kinds of soup. So if you don't like the first kind of soup, there's another kind of soup. I love soup. I do too, man. Shout out to soup. And your fourth pick? My fourth pick? I want to be a bonobo.

Yeah, you do. Because you want to have sex for fun. Yeah, man. That's a great they have i mean hey i mean everybody knows it we've tatted on the podcast kind of a horny guy they do it all the time they do it and it's beautiful they do it for all kinds of reasons they're super social they're not aggressive at all they're not aggressive at all exactly they say that yeah there's like intersex there's like hardly any violence they uh right they're really close because of the way that they mate none of

the fathers know who their kids are necessarily but the fathers and mothers or mothers and sons have like lifelong relationships it just seems like a fun time man and they just get down all the time they do they just bone yes for any reason jazz music playing constantly oh yeah yeah it's like it's like a friday night behind the skating rink over there it's the only animal that gives hand jobs did you know that yeah yeah they tongue kiss though they do really they tongue kiss they french kiss i love that that's passionate do you know that the front that in france today they they said on film sets they are allowing kissing now they're the first uh i guess uh you know country on on sets to allow kissing since the COVID thing began.

I mean, they've always been ahead of the gun as far as kiss technology. They were going to be, whether it was safe or not, going to be the first people back at that. They're romantic. Yeah. They also said affairs are okay now. All right. Those have been greenlit. Good.

Good. Yeah. Good. Back to normal life. Soon they're going to back to normal life order the affairs came back before anything else you can return to work in a month but affairs okay starting now you could you could have a sense of on we starting uh tuesday on the week on week oh yeah but my pick, Bonobos. Beautiful pick. Great pick. You're also heavily invested in a fast fashion company,

right off the bat. Yeah. No, no to fast fashion. No. I want that to be known. What does that mean? There's a company called Bonobos that's like a, I don't know if they're fast fashion, actually.

I have no idea. But they are a, like, internet clothing company oh god no things one of our biggest ways i ordered two shirts uh on an ad that came up during instagram like scrolling on instagram i've been there and you know i'm a big, so I need big shirts. This fucking thing they mailed me, I said, I don't know, I said, I said, triple X, right? This thing they mailed me, it was like a piece of gauze that maybe I could have covered an injured eye with. Like, it was so small. And I was so pissed. And there's no recourse when you order from the internet

like they just send you like these forum emails saying thank you for contacting Shithead right company when you're going to jam it back into your phone right there's like nothing you can do with it yeah right I was when I was going to like

tape a Netflix thing and I was like so excited and I was like I want to you know because I'm a big thing, and I was so excited. I was like, I want to, because I'm a big guy too, and I was like, I want to look really good. I want to make sure I look really good. I want to be cleaned up well. I forget what company. It was one of those big internet clothing companies. One that's based in Europe.

I don't remember the name. I ordered these outfits from it, and I got them in my normal size so i would get like 2x tall or 3x and i ordered those and i was like i tried to put them on i'm like this is insane these are so small so i got like a 4x and i tried to put that on and it was so i ended up at like 6x and i was like this is my brain can't yeah for your brain that's bad i can't that's bad i can't have not been able to fit into something that was 6x even if it came here from luxembourg like i can't that can't have not been able to fit into something that was 6X, even if it came here from Luxembourg. That can't be the case. Also, 6Xs, get another fucking letter.

Get another letter. This is our now. Maybe it should just be a fucking size Y. We got to do six? What the fuck is that? That's crazy. 6Xs. Six extras.

It's insane. That's two dirty movies worth of shit that's like that's like a dominant performance by a pitcher oh wait no

that's K it's never mind it's strike accident wow yeah man it's fucking up Bonobo Sean time for your

fourth pick I want to be a dolphin yeah that's great yeah there's not I'll tell you that's great yeah there's not there's i'll tell you that's a hack pick i think that's a hack i knew i was gonna get it from someone i knew it was gonna come from somewhere it seems too on the nose but uh on the bottle nose it seems too on the bottle nose uh you know i wanna they also bone for fun which is tight uh they can communicate

which is dope they're super smart and they're uh I've seen them in real life in Costa Rica. I was in Costa Rica at one point in my life at a villa. And we saw dolphins. And it was sick, dude, just seeing them hop on the wake. And the sun was hitting them. I'm like, this looks like a dope life. Just hopping through the water in the sunset in Costa Rica. Signed me up.

Yeah, they're also super smart. Yeah. And again, they have sex. They communicate. sign me up. Yeah, they're also super smart. Yeah. And again, they have sex. They communicate. They're loyal. Yeah, that's a good pick. They'll attack a shark. You ever seen them attack a shark?

I'll attack a shark right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll go in and they ram it with their, like, because their nose is so hard that they'll just go in and, like, keep ramming it until they take chunks out of it. What's in that nose? Is it, like, a calcium deposit? That's a great question.

Like, it's hard in there? Like, the nose is hard? It's hard hard kind of depends on where you grew up all right sorry i had nothing to add it's all right a lot of these riffs are bad but we we do them anyway just because like i don't know we're friends we miss it because it's fun connections uh yeah dolphin pretty straightforward right down right down the middle you know right in the strike zone i want to be a dolphin glisten no you can't beat a dolphin you can't beat a dolphin no you can't you get in trouble if you try yeah you do that's a good pick they are gorgeous animals man they do look like they're also big they're like thicker than you think you know yeah yeah it just looks sexy ever touch their skin. Yes. Rubbery. Their skin.

It is, it is the silkiest thing on the planet. It's wild. Yeah. But it's like rubbery. It's like, yeah, I could just have a silk shirt on all the time.

It'd be dope. Like a wet silk shirt. And we know that I want to be wearing all the time. A dolphin with a silk shirt on. Yeah. And they ordered, they order from the internet and they ordered a double X

and it doesn't even fit in their blowhole. An elephant and a dolphin. You're out here killing shit. Let's see fucking Dr. Doolittle over here, dude. You got a dolphin with body image issues? I can't think of a sadder thing than a dolphin with body image issues i can't think of a sadder thing than a dolphin with body image issues bummer longingly looking at a herring it knows it can't eat any time for your fourth

pick okay this one is you know this is absolutely this is um uh my favorite a pangolin oh and the reason i want to be a pangolin is because they started uh covid you know they started covid 19 um they were in that wet market they were in those fucking horrible wet markets in asia yeah yeah just what they do to animals it's so brutal and i'd like to be a pangolin because uh right now you know the publicity is amazing through the roof you know what i mean like it's just like pangolin is on everybody's tongue i heard taylor swift is in in talks with pangolins with pangolins yes everybody everybody wants a piece so you know i i just want to be where the action is, you know what I mean? And where I think, you know, the pangolin is the type of animal that gets excited when it hears there's a spike in COVID cases.

I think the pangolin is very, you know, aware of the fact that people aren't wearing masks and that it's going to spread. And I think the pangolin will profit from all this stuff. And I think it's a good time to be a pangolin. You're a devious pangolin. It's one of the devious little pangolins. I'm just a pangolin, bud. I'm just doing my pangolin shit I've always been doing and it's starting to work out. Sorry. Out here doing pangolin shits. Yeah, right. you want to take me out of you want to take me out of my natural habitat well there you go oh man pangolins is the only animal in the world right now having like a real moment you know it's like this is my time and they were not on track to have a moment anytime so they're like shocked like oh no shit we're having a moment dude their

babies are so cute their babies ride around on their tails if you haven't seen a pangolin look that shit up they're're covered in scales. They're wild. They're crazy-looking armadillos. They're really an interesting-looking animal. The pangolin, man. They get up to fucking 73 pounds, the giant pangolin. That's a big pangolin.

Whoa. I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know that either. Well, those are African pangolins. That's a different pangolin. Now we're off on life. Are you up on another pangolin tangent? I'm sorry.

I do this every episode. I end up talking about a different kind of pangolin than everyone else. Also, pangolin tangent, our jazz trio, album dropping soon. Tune in. Yeah, that's our – by the way, when you go on pangolin tangents, that is a symbol of COVID. You probably have him. He's delirious. He's going on Pangolin Tangents.

If you show up to a restaurant, they're like, yeah, how many? Three? Okay, great. Pangolins, huh? And if you talk for more than five minutes, they don't let you in. I love it. Pangolin. Pangangolin great pick it's time for my fourth and then my final picks as it is a serpentine draft as we know i am going to take with my fourth pick at the risk of being slightly redundant i'm going to take the uh male african lion yeah specifically is that redundant

yeah because either the persian cat maybe a little bit i'm taking two felines they're different here's the reason they are different i mean you talk to animals you talk to some persian cats they don't think so but uh that's right yeah they got an attitude like it specifically the male and here's why the the female lions they do like 98 of the hard work they're the ones hunting and all that stuff and like the male all he has to do is like every now and then get involved in like chasing off a

like some hyenas and for the rest of it you're just laying there you have a big beautiful head of hair you have a big like voluminous voice your roar carries for miles well there's actually an animated documentary about lions you should check it out it it kind of chronicles everything you're saying

i'm sorry did you just say animated documentary yeah it's called the lion king oh oh oh he's doing a stupid joke me i'm like i'm like i'm like I'm like the guy in the back grossing his what did he say to his wife it's what it's the lion king the lion king oh the lion king

oh he's talking about he's talking about the lion king he's friends with the warthog and the ferret. African lion. You just get all sorts of fucking credit. You're like on England's flag for some reason. There's never been a lion in England.

No, this is their only own, too. I never saw one lion there. You're like, they build you in front of banks, and literally all you do is you sit there while the female of your species does literally all the work. And you just chill and roar. You lick yourself and you eat. Chill and roar.

Sign me up. They're in front of the New York Public Library. I mean, they're in some high-status places. They really have done well for themselves. They figured it out. They've done very well for themselves. They came here, it was rough. Lions are old money now, dude.

That's old money in the animal world. Not to my family. I'm taking the African lion and then for my final pick I'm going to take... I'd like to be a cute little show pony. Oh! Oh! You are half Persian pick i'm going to take i'd like to be i'd like to be a cute little show pony oh look at you are you are a half persian cat and half show pony way before this draft one of those ones that has like bangs and is you know it doesn't know it's not a big horse

it just behaves as though it's a big horse i wish wish I could see Marissa's face. I bet you she's laughing so hard at that. I do dig it. I love it. I just think that'd be a fun life. They're very confident. They're sassy. I just feel like they're an inherently sassy creature. Nobody's trying to ride around on a show pony.

You are an inherently sassy creature. I love it. You said show pony. Your shoulders got this bounce to them. Yeah. A little show pony bounce. Yeah. A little show pony your shoulders got this like bounce to them yeah a little show pony bounce yeah a little show pony bounce i always think of jean benet ramsey though oh true whenever yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean it's not a moon without a dark side i'll tell you that wait she

had a pony no i think she just seems like a show pony her parents treated her like what she was yeah i've seen i've definitely seen a show pony wear that outfit yeah yeah that little cowboy hat yeah if you're a pony you can wear a little cowboy hat sometimes whole thing the whole thing top to bottom uh yeah man i just like to be a little tiny little show pony that somebody's very proud of and takes care of yeah i would love it if you were a tiny little show pony i would love it you know i love, I love Ian that you started with Killer Whale and wound up with Show Pony.

Yeah, you really ran the gamut on this one. It's actually a transition I'm trying to go through in my life, is to go from Killer Whale to Show Pony. It's taking some therapy, it's taking just a little bit of maturity, and I think I'm going to get there, by God god cute little show pony oh my god definitely a whale shark right now uh any time for your final pick i think my final pick would be uh a penguin

oh it was on my list yeah for sure it wasn't on your list it was it was yeah maybe maybe be specific the emperor the emperor penguins, you know, they made a documentary where Morgan Freeman narrated it. And I don't think you could do much better than that as a creature. Yeah. And also that whole thing of the way, you know, the Emperor, the Emperor Penguins, they're in Arctic, and they just huddle together. They huddle together for months. Like, we've been bitching about, oh, my God, we're quarantined. You know what I mean? We're quarantined in here with cable and all this technology.

And meanwhile, the emperor penguins go through this like i i think it's yearly you know it's the their mating ritual and i also if you watch the documentary if you know anything about emperor penguins the way they they sit on their egg you know to warm it to keep it warm the way the emperor and i've always wanted to keep an egg warm like for months like i've always wanted to keep an egg warm for months because when i used to eat eggs when i wasn't vegan you know i would i would like boil the egg for a hard boiled egg and i just love that warm feeling of the egg before i cry and i would just love to keep an egg for many months balance it on your feet yeah i mean i would have that if i right i mean if i was making a sizzle

reel of my work that would be so prevalent you know for the emperor cutting back yeah there's some swimming in there there's a little bit of swimming and there's some there's some waddling but like a lot of it is just honestly me keeping an egg warm and it's got me a lot of work yeah that's such a great point they they do like just huddle together and all they have for entertainment is the wind and 800 other birds that look just like them and that's all they have and some are dying and that's it's like oh shit well no it's not me this year all right the emperor penguin that's such a funny pic that's great uh sean time for your final pick uh my final pick i've always been fascinated with uh like reptiles things like that and this one has

always been the coolest looking one to me. And this is just because I want to look cool. I'm going to pick a tree frog. I like a tree frog. They look like a pair of dunks. They're fantastic. They're so vibrant. They have like bright red, bright blue.

They're just so colorful. Would you be like a poison dart frog from like the Amazon? One of those gnarly ones? I'd be one of the ones that lives up here. Like in the Northwest, they have those tree frogs that like live mostly in trees their whole life and they just look so sick it'd just be that's it i just want to look down and see myself like damn you are bright blue and bright red and you have yellow on you and you're green and your underbelly is a different color it's just

it'd be rad and your camouflage like they have natural camouflage which is always such a fun thing to think about oh yeah true yeah hell yeah it it's you know look up a tree frog that's all you just look at the image that's a great pick that's a great pick i mean that's a great uh that's a great comeback from uh your last pick what was my last one dolphin oh dolphins are dank yeah the dolphin yeah no the dolphins were happy i always have one stinker nice do you pick an animal that isn't on like most binders that's yeah yeah yeah tree frog it's only on the art school binders i know what i'm doing bro tree frog dude and like a lot of shirts that i wore in grade school yeah when i was going to

school frogs on shirts was like a big look i remember that day i remember that era frogs were having a moment dude are you kidding me yeah are you kidding me frogs on shirts frogs on shirts david time for your final pick bull moose bull moose yeah yeah i want to be the big dog i want to be the most majestic guy in the area those things they're so big and so beautiful and like everything i'm not is an animal very stern seeming and like solemn you know what i mean i'm like a little i'm like a parrot like iago yeah no the bull moose has a lot of gravitas yeah a hundred percent you could hit that thing with a car it will keep going i mean they're just so big but the car won't yeah no yeah that car it's like they're one of those things when you really look at them like when you see videos of them or whatever in real life it's

like it is amazing that something is that big and do yourself a favor after this if you haven't already is and just like go to youtube and look up like bull moose sightings and it like oh really like you think yeah it's crazy you think you know how big they are and then you see how big they actually are and it's like wow there's a video bull moose fights and it's not like they're not goring each other i don't like watching no no no it's just like it's just like a dominance thing but it's in a housing development in uh alaska and you realize they're bigger than cars yeah like it's done this we've sat around and done this with each other where we just like watch antlers but they're even bigger yeah it's insane it's in it's in wow insane yeah dude so

yeah i'd like to be a canadian moose yeah oh yeah that's a great that's a great yeah it is it's a nice moment it's a nice moment of feeling small looking at a moose like in a good way it's like oh shit it's still why it's still pretty wild i take a lot of pictures with moose just for that you gotta get a moose if you're a big guy so that's the final pick to recap i went first and i went killer whale persian cat whale shark male african lion show pony eddie you went second. You took goat, snow leopard, giant panda, pangolin, and then penguin. John, you went third. You took a Kodiak bear, RuPaul's Griffin vulture, a red fox, dolphin, and then a tree frog.

David, you went last, and you took the leatherback sea turtle, the African elephant, the kangaroo, a bon bonobo and then the bull moose yep late of terry roosevelt's political party the bull moose that's right the rough riders the rough riders the rough riders that was gonna be my sixth pick stop i'm gonna be we left some i mean we left every other animal on the board so it's like literally all the other animals almost every one of them i almost took the pigeon well like i said like i said it's so majestic what is out there in nature i mean we just we just hit like a few right i mean you and we were like in awe of them you know there's animals that can change colors there's animals that are see-through i mean there's animals are crazy you know how smart pigs are they can play simple video games

they can recognize their names at just two weeks old they're they're smarter than dogs they run up you know what i mean that's so smart i mean that's just pigs octopus are like they can camouflage yeah yeah yeah yeah very much they're also what is the deal with them they're like not related to anything else on the planet right there yeah they have like crazy dna like scientists like it's one of those things where scientists are like we don't really know what octopus are like holy cow like they're not like really related like david said and like they'll do i forget like they'll not like really related like David said and like they'll do I forget like they'll

do experiments with them where they give them like I'm gonna I don't know enough about this to keep speaking but like they give them like they'll give them like LSD or Molly and it like affects them and like all the way their brains light up is crazy I was reading something about that too yeah they're like they're like aliens they're so

oh and he just brought his puppy out of his car. My listeners can't see it. Speaking of beautiful animals. Speaking of. This is Basil. I'm taking a screenshot. This is Basil. Hi, Basil.

This is Basil. Basil of Baker Street. What's up, Basil? How old's Basil? All right. Basil's like 10, I think. He's a rescue. We've had him for like seven years.

He's experienced Basil I like it well we want to hear your picks hit us up at allfantasypod on twitter allfantasypodcast at gmail.com is our email shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit thank you for fucking with us

shout out to all of our patrons on the AFE patreon thank you so much for your generosity and for holding us to keep doing this. We really, really appreciate it. Shout out to super producer Marissa, as always. Wouldn't be possible without you, Mars. Shout out to Say Sue Carmel. Shout out to all the animals who didn't get picked now.

We still fuck with you. Sperm whales, puffins, every kind of animal. Shout out to Chinese Jamal. Shout out to Chinese Jamal shout out to chinese jamal man absolutely i meant to meant i meant to mention orangutans in uh in uh in honor of dr zeus help us dr zeus hell yeah dr zeus dr zeus dr zeus uh you know he had a doctorate you know he did Tufts. He went to Tufts. You don't want to be on the racquetball court with him either. He'll mess you up. It's a different game.

He sees the court in a different way. Shout out to everyone. Shout out to you. Shout out to everyone listening. I got real low blood sugar. I got to go eat something. Shout out to everyone listening i'm i i got real low blood sugar i gotta go eat something shout out yeah shout out to frankie ocean shout out to sid the dude shout out to haji beats uh and more important than all of that tune in again next week for another brand new episode of all fantasy everything that was a hate gun podcast