All Fantasy Everything - Bad Ideas (w/ Zach Harper)

Episode Date: September 4, 2025

Not listening to AFE? That's a bad idea.Guest:Zach Harper (@talkhoops)Support the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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life. That is your whole life. Holy cow. One per box with active subscription. Free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's hellofresh.com slash all fantasy 10 FM to get 10 free meals plus a free item for life. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. I love it when we're cruising together. And it cuts like a knife. What does?

I just was having you do the Brian Adams Cuts like a Knife. You know what? I'll be honest. I don't know that one off top. Cuts like a knife. but it feels so right I don't know that one How many Brian Adams songs do you think you know

I bet he knows way I bet he knows more than all of us combined Summer 69 That's the one I know The Robin Hood song Everything I do I do it for you Oh I know that one All for love

That's with Sting All for one Sting and all for love Yeah I'm always singing Oh no Rod Stewart It's Rod Stewart It's Sting and Brian Adams

It did it Where they have in I do it all for love That's calling me Bad, different than Brian. But he was in Color Me Bad. God, that'd be nuts. Rod Stewart was in Color Me Bad.

Rod Stewart and that guy that looks like Clay Thompson. And that creepy Spanish. You remember the dude, the Spanish Colour Me Bad guy? Yeah, yeah. Five o'clock shadow. Yeah. Didn't we watch a video movie in New Orleans? We did, yeah.

Color Me Bad made the rotation for sure. No, that's a bad group of dudes. Yeah, that was a very Yeah poorly assembled It was a weird video rotation in New Orleans It was great Oh, because that was your first time seeing cameo

First time ever Yeah The codpiece The word up Word up Yeah I've heard the song I'd never seen the guy

Oh maybe I'd never seen him either Yeah Yeah sign down That horny cocaine ladled cartoon cat We gotta bring him back out of retirement Is he alive? If he made it through the 80s He's never going to die

If he made it, if he made it a year past recording candy? I hope this isn't awful. Let's include the 90s there. I don't know that he made it through the 90s. He's alive. Whoa. What's his name? Larry Blackman.

I think we did this in New Orleans. I think we did this. Guess how old he is? Yeah, this is right. It's the only age he could be. 69 years old. That's right. He's 69 years old.

I got to find him. Is he on Instagram? I don't know. His signature, ow. I was used as the intro For some of the band songs Oh, that's his like beat drop or whatever Yeah

That's his like Masadona beat Ow Did you did you Did you track that on? Can I, I'm sorry to know Yeah, go ahead Go ahead

One of his sons is heavily involved In New York politics Come on Donnie I don't know But one of one of Is it Andrew Cuomo Blackman Blackman?

Blackman New York politician Well that's gonna be tough That's a tough search It's not different. One word. One word. She's not that's face in there.

Larry's Scott Blackman. All right. Does it say under his biography? Is it a comptroller? I hope he's a comptroller. Okay. So in his whole biography, it doesn't mention that his dad is the lead singer a cameo. Come on.

You got to open. I know that it's a complicated legacy. But you have to. You have to say that. I would say right off the bat, yes, the cameo guy's my dad. But here's some other words that are up. And then you go into your bio. Zoning.

Yeah. Do we think equitable health care? Do we think he inherited the gift of gab like his father has? I think that he could do, yes, I ain't down. Yeah. But I think he never does it. Like, I bet he has a killer impression of his dad and he just doesn't do it. Yeah, for sure.

He really has a pretty impressive career. Looks real. Do we think Do we think he got a foot ahead Because of his dad? Or was that a hindrance? I don't think it hurts I think he's got two feet of head

Yeah We're still waiting on either head Or gum by the way Yeah Yeah you missed that last Last episode We're trying to get sponsored by head or gum Well I got you with

Nice Which one you got I need a both baby I'm married This is one honestly preferable All right Isaac, well, our guest We've got half of it covered

Listen, you guys are all married, I don't know Not all of us. No, that's true, that's true. Yes, I do. Real nice. Our guest today is the venerable. It takes over me. Sorry. Zach Harper's here.

Hey. Zach Harper's here at talk hoops. Sure. You know him. Today we're drafting. Oh, this is all fantasy everything, a podcast. where we draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting bad ideas.

Yeah. Inspired by a text thread from last night. What was it exactly? Well, we'll get into it. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, oh, that is, yeah, that is funny. We'll get into it.

Our guest today is Zach Harper. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. With me, as always, my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Boree. Hey. Here we are. What's happening? All fantasy and everything.

Oh, my bad idea from last night. Yeah, we'll get into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, for God's sake. Laura just stopped watching right there. Did she start watching a phone call? No, thank God. There's only a couple where I'm like, I don't, like, some of the last few when we got really silly talking about boners for like, I mean, like seven hours a day in here. Yeah.

I was like, you watch them, but, you know, it's like, it's silly. It's performance. Juvenile boys talk. You guys got punchy. I listened to them all yesterday. We, like five. You didn't even one day. Well, I was driving from Oregon to L.A. Well, you kind of experienced that the way we experienced that.

It was crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was all back to back to back to back. You drove from Oregon to L.A. today? Yeah. Oh, damn. Today you did. Yesterday.

Yesterday. Yesterday. Damn. Did you see a truck full of David's stuff on the way? I saw a truck full of Teslas that caught on fire and caused an extra two hours to my commute. Oh, no. Man, it gets to be a bottleneck right there. When you're down like Mount Shasta?

No, this is 40 miles. from my home, the Santa Clarita area where you, it's before the four of it, you can't branch out. Oh, when it bottle and that's like, yeah, yeah, two hours. Like, it was literally, it's why I got to get a room in Santa Clarita and just, you know. I couldn't even get there. I would have. All right. I would have. I was starting off and some solutions over here. Did the semi-truck catch on fire? Did one of the Tesla's catch on fire?

That's a good question. I was freestyling in the whole area, so everybody could have got it. Chal was stomping around and spitting, dude. Yo! Flames everywhere. Keep the freestyle going Yeah, yeah It's the hardest thing in the world For me to free I cannot do it

You can do it I try it I'm gonna give you five words I can't What if I throw down a beat? No, we've done this And I get embarrassed I can't do it

Nothing happens You have a hit song You're right I did write a rap song Isaac produced it It is a hit It's a hit song I'm a terrible

I do in the shower sometimes Still I still It's so hard to do That's it I want you to try Yeah I try all the time But I can't make a rhyme

I'd have a better chance Eating a lime Over a nickel and dime Sitting at the mess hall Going to the mall That's just rhyming words Great That's what that is

Flying like a bird Hey with 200% more confidence That is a good That's not bad Yeah that's not a huge percent No It's a pretty big percent I can't

I can't. That's why karaoke makes me hell and nervous. I can't. I don't like it. Karaoke makes me nervous too. Oh. The only time I do it is when we're tore up at a festival and I hate it. See, when you're classically trained singers like Isaac and myself are, you don't get nervous. What's you go to, Carrie?

A singer of lies? Yeah. What is your song? Alone by Heart is. Oh, that turns alone. How do I get you alone? Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the formative memories of Zach Harper and I's friendship is actually at Ian's 33rd birth.

Oh, we're in that hotel. I don't remember much about that. Isaac and I connected. We did karaoke together. That was at the line. In the pit? In the pit? Yeah.

The line. I was doing some lines of my own. You sure were. Oh, boy. Yeah. I didn't even know that was the name of the hotel. I thought that was the code and the text threat. Come to the line hotel.

35 was like about as. That's my 30th birthday Who calls it a cocaine hotel? I remember standing outside of the room Because you're like You're like they can't hear the karaoke I'm like that's bullshit I guarantee that you're in the hallway

I go in the hallway Can't hear a thing Yeah Well that's in the rooms They're built for that Yeah That was a Baccanal That was pure that was like

That was pure hedonism It was pure id Yeah Pure Ed A lot of It was weird People from my work came That was probably a mistake

Yeah Very fun Very fun It's very fun birthday. We were having a good time at that birthday. That was like pre, that was the last pre-COVID birthday. Yeah. Right before.

Yo, that was right before. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, things were nuts. The world really changed. We did a show. And then it was that. We did a lot.

The last live AFE in L.A. Right. That was the last one? Yeah. With Solomon? Solom. Oh, that's right. Oh, yes.

We did it at that terrible thing. Yeah, way out there. We're like the... In mid-city. Yeah, at mid-city. It was like a... Like a warehouse almost, right? It was like a dance studio.

A dance studio. We'll do more. We will do more live shows in Los Angeles. Yes. We're here. Yeah. Tonight. Tonight, right now.

At dinner. The Line Hotel. That man making that promise is Sean Jordan. Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram. What's happening? Sean... Sean will be in Euclair, Wisconsin. And Rapid City South...

It's O'Clair or U-Clair? I said the same thing called on the other. It's O'Clair. Was it O'Clair? Fuck you guys. I'll be in O'Clair, Wisconsin. First weekend in October. Do it.

Dr. Grins, playboy, I'll be there second weekend in October and the third weekend I'll be at Rapid City. And we'll be at the High Plains Comedy Festival September 19th through 21st, right? What is his doctor in? 18th through the 20th. Dr. Graham?

Tickling. Damn. He really got you. You really play right into that? He's a ticklemonger. He's right up here. Laura hates it when I tickle her. She doesn't like it?

Yeah, so I do it all the time. Tickle monger is crazy. I never heard that. Sounds like a slur. It does sound like a slur. A couple tickle mongers moved in. Oh, no, tickle mongers in Rwanda. Wakanda?

That's what it is. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know these things. A couple of Rwandan and tickle monger. All right. No, the kazoo. No, we got a kazoo ball. Riff over.

That's our blackout for, like, improv. I wish Isaac did just have a, like a switch he could flip. Like, all right, that rift's done. Really a shit invention. The kazoo? The kazoo? Oh, the, Macon. That's the thing you did.

Yeah, it is. Again, I don't mean to. That thing he didn't make happen. It wasn't my dog to make happen? I just think it, I want more out of it. Is it wax paper? So blow harder. Is that?

No, I don't think so. No. That was more? No. Sounded like that thing took a poop. Yeah, it sounds like Harvey Firestone. You'll just like mom. Damn it, David.

Kinky boots. It was a great time. I love, we might make it something to make it. I would love to. And then Atlanta. man we got to get to Atlanta it'll be hard to do both or we'll do both no you have to do both

and everyone in Atlanta has to promise to come to I don't think it's like an hour and a half to do both I really don't know I don't think it's hard to do both if we do a show in Macon everyone at Atlanta has to promise to come and then we'll go do a show in Atlanta the next night and they'll be dead so we're going to draft the same shit we're going to drop the same shit we'll say it please get down to Florida

yes it's close you keep saying this where in Florida yeah David wants to go to Hollywood Florida really not anywhere Tampa brother I've had great times Let's book a show around the Tampa Pro contest And then I can go to Tampa Pro finally Clearwater

I didn't get to go yet no Do you think we have people who listened to AFE in Florida Yes yes I know one person Orlando who does I think that we are big enough now that we have people Everywhere If 100 of you If 100 of you DM me I will keep track

Much like I did with Atlanta And I will let everybody know And you know how we follow through on that Atlanta Now it's up to 200 or so with Atlanta. I have a list still. You know where else we should go is the beach and the Carolinas. I would love to just go there. Myrtle Beach?

Sure. Yeah. All right, tight. I'd like to see Charleston. I'd love to see Charleston. I've been to Charleston. Good food, apparently. Old synagogues.

Yeah, I know. That's why I'd go. Spooky New England. Oh, I would love to go to Spooky New England. Like October, New Hampshire. Yeah. Yeah. That's too close to the Salem Witch trials.

I will say go in New England in like the fall. Yeah. Like that, it does feel old. Do you know how many witches they burned at the stake at the Salem Witch trials? Minimum of two. Zero. You idiot. They drowned them?

They didn't burn anyone. Says who? It's called a trick question. The teacher told me that. What, did they drown them? Is that how they did it and say? I can't remember. You're not explaining it, though.

Well, I don't know the answer. No one's ever dug any harder. They always felt stupid after I faced him like that So I wasn't prepared to go any further down the road Yeah, maybe they drowned them but they didn't burn them dip shit I think they did and what state was this happening in Salem Whatever city, whatever state the city of Salem's in The Wikipedia, Massachusetts

The Wikipedia page says that they hung them instead of burning them Yeah they didn't drown them either, you bonehead All those witches had huge hugs Give it three minutes I'll change that I'm making my famous hung witches I hope you're hungry They like sloppy Joes

But they're wicked Evil sloppy Joes I'm making my famous Nottie sloppy Joes Or does I call him hung witches I like your sloppy Notties better Oh my god

Oh It's so gross Laura I'm gonna come All right I'm gonna cook dinner on Wednesday I'm gonna make sloppy naughty They're just big potatoes Do we have any buns I'm making sloppy knives?

Just plain baked potatoes Go to the bathroom And get them all wet And throw them at the mirror It's a potato full of sloppy Joe meat That's good Wait hold on a second That's not a bad idea

What are we doing? That sucks It's not a good idea Yes it is A sloppy Joe is Slopper's dope Okay so you hollow out of potato And put sloppy Joe meat in there

That's a good idea why doesn't exist? Let's make it exist. Slopi Notties. Slopin Nottis? Yes. And then people who loves Slopi Nottis? Let's get a food truck. You want to come into the truck? Let's leave all this bullshit behind. It's a successful podcast, but what about a food truck?

Every week, I swear to God, we've been talking. Somebody reminded me that I said like five racks for one-third of a jet ski sounds like a good idea to me. Like, we've been doing this every week. We almost bought an El Camino together. You guys came very close to buy an El Camino. I think over a food truck called Slopi Notties is pretty all right. I think maybe we're just getting older

and in a weird position where we want to spend a bunch of money. Yeah. Sometimes I really, like I was in my day-to-day is just not a high bar for what I spend. I just don't ever spend a lot of money.

I don't even have a car. A year from now, it's just the sloppy Notties truck in front of your house. Does anybody want to take it after night? Because they think I'm sex trafficking. Look, I think he sells blowjohn.

I stayed. I stayed. I see him in it all day. He goes to a place called a head gum once a week. It has to be a front, right? It says Sloppy Notting. And is that his everyday vehicle? I don't see another car.

I saw him at the Costco with it. I heard him muttering about loose meat. I don't know what he was talking about. No, I'm going to go back to when you said that you don't think Sloppy Joe meat in a baked potato sounds good. That's insane. That's a textbook example of somebody being like Taco Bell isn't good. Or it's gross or whatever. Like, it's not.

It's not good for you. What are you talking about? Why is that gross? This is like saying, like, oh, you know what's a terrible idea? Soup in a bread bowl. Right. Why is that gross to have two girls things? Sloppy Joe is not soup.

No. Sloppy Joe enters is not soup. I don't really like sloppy joes very much. And I don't like big, but I don't fuck it. It's just brown beef and like barbecue sauce and tomato sauce, right? That's all sloppy Joe miss. I like sloppy joes. It would take a deft hand to get the right potato to have the structural and tag or two deft hands or gifted hands.

It would take. Ben Carson. What about a bread hand? Bread bowl. Sloppy Joe in a bread bowl, which is... I like clam chowder in a bread bowl. So Sloppy Joe mix to you. No?

Are you saying Sloppy Joe clam chowder? Are you eating the Sloppy Joe like its soup out of the potato? Am I drunk? What the fuck is happening? We're talking about a great, what could be a retirement. You're not completely hollowing out the potato. Like you've got potato in there. Yes.

You're scooping it out and then you're putting it back in. You're putting Slopi Joe in there. Like an apple? By hand? Maybe like a hot dog. Oh, it's a hot on a rush to work. Spill a little bit on your new white. Your new white.

No, honey, no time for breakfast. I'll just take a sloppy naughty. I'll just have a sloppy naughty up. Your ties swung over your neck. Oh, honey, the seven-course breakfast looks amazing. But I only have time for a sloppy naughty. I've got the big presentation today. Isaac, are you into this?

No. Okay. No, I'm not. It's just two things I don't even like that much. Well, that's... You put other stuff in there. I think it would be really good. When I said, you put cheese in there.

You could put cheese. You could throw some... Diced onion. Dice onion. I was just thinking about, like, putting gumbo in a bread bowl, and I just started... But that happens to Disneyland. Does it? Yeah.

They do that Disneyland. Fuck yeah. I got to go to Disneyland. You're a thief. You're a thief and you're trying to steal over the Walt Disney Corporation. I can see a... You're a dirty ride. You googled Disneyland food before you said that, didn't you?

I did not know. But I actually have been meaning to go to Disney Lane. Let's go. It came up twice. last week and this week. Yeah. I would go. I think we got to go to this movie.

I'm about ready for a Disneyland trip. I bought a pass to Universal. We can go there. It's because you live right there. I'm like right there. I never been any Universal. Do you just go for lunch? Universal's got Indiana Jones though.

Remember when we got to the movie ride? They got the mummy ride. Remember when I went to the movies at City Walk? No. Yeah. Jason Concepcion. What do we see? That's a good AMC.

They got an eye maxed up there. We all lived up there. We all lived up there. I was like, man, I hope we keep doing this. And then COVID. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

And then me and you also, we went and saw a weird movie. We saw Uncut Gems at Century City for some reason. That was stressful. Yeah. Yeah, that was really stressful. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

It sounds like it was a bad idea. Hey. September 9th, my special comes out on 800 pound gorilla YouTube. It's free. Yeah, that's the boy, Cool Guy Jokes 87. Oh, yeah, I'm doing my don't tell set in San Diego, September 6th. Buy tickets for it. They're on my website.

Man, can I come down? We can come down and we get some burritos? Okay, tight. Yeah. Can I come down and we get some burritos? I'm coming up here on the 7th. I wish I could come, but. But you have that problem with getting boners.

Well, no, I can't come. You can't get hard without a sloppy nod. A flaccid nut? How does that work? Oh, that's a whole different kind of potato. Flasset nut. It happens. Get married, you'll have a couple flaccid nuts.

I'm not meant to cause you a drummer. Always see you standing in that flaccid nut This is such a stupid thing to say That's such a good song Purple rain Oh yeah Because you know how it's just like It's kind of like ever present in a way

Yeah That like you'd never stop to think about how good it is in a way Yeah That's like I feel like all Prince hits are like like that. Yeah. You almost like search out the deep cuts, but then when you really, like, no, 1999 is an incredible way.

And they're also, he has such a wide catalog. Little Red Corvette. Yeah. Raspberry Beret, but then you get like seven, like, oh, that's my favorite one. You got the look. Cream. Do you remember that song, Cream? Yes.

And they're all good. And then, Tom, Tom. Which one you're saying? Sense you were mine. Is that what it's called? Dan-na-na-da-da-da. He also wrote. Darling Nicky.

That song. Darling Nicky. He wrote and performed Nothing Compares first, which I feel like people now know, but they didn't. Like, that's, it's nuts how good he was. That's, I think that's the best song he's ever written. And he's written so many good songs. Yeah. That song is great, but...

They're all so good, so many different ways. Yeah. My God. Is it crazy to think his version's better than Shanades? Yeah. I think that's crazy. Chenades is such... Undeniable.

She's great. Yeah. She's an Irish. An Irish princess. That's why I don't like. Ladies and gentlemen, we have gathered here today to get through this thing called podcast. Deerly Beloved Are we just talking about how great prince is?

Yes Fucking princes Dele beloved I bought another print shirt I have two print shirts I have two print shirts Really? I can love prints

This shirt has a print on it too It's the lonious monk Prince Prince Hey It's got a We harking back to an earlier episode Where I thought it was

Fallonious Monk When you were Oh yeah you didn't even think of When you were mine That's the song When you were mine Oh yeah Oh, yeah.

It's good. For YouTube, this cannot be... We can play, like, three seconds. Not even, really. Not even? I play that on the kazoo. What do you mean? He got really good at the kazoo.

Everyone heard that. You try to tell Jason, YouTube that, all right? When he sends the dogs after you. YouTube that, dude. Zach Harper's here. Talk hoops. The bounce on the athletic. Free.

Free. Emotional hoops. That's right. Not free. Not free. We'll talk about it. We'll talk about it. We're talking about it.

Five bucks a month on Patreon right now. Yes. As of now. Less than the price of head or gum. Well, you can get pretty cheap head if you look at the way it plays. That's true. $5 for a blowjerk. I told you.

That would be wild. That was a friends and family discount. You really? You reacted to that like somebody brought seafood up. What do you think the last time it was $5? Did you get a mouth shot? Did you just say mouth shot? Yeah.

A while. I retract that. I don't know how to weigh in on the economics of this. Yeah. Yeah. I would rather not incriminate myself. If you're watching on YouTube, hit us up in the comments. Let us know when you think.

think the last time Dome was $5 Yeah smash that like and smash that like button and then let us know in the comments Yeah

hit up Isaac on Instagram Please don't Comment on any of his post Go to all of Isaac's posts Let Isaac know how much you thought throat was Last time it was

Oh my God On my post about London Hit the Iceman Yeah Isaac what was your last post on Instagram It's the London one It's the most on his London one It's the most on his London one

and say the last time I think So don't just say a price Say the last time I think Dome or throat Knob Use a term Also can I say your London shit Looks like saltburn

Did it? Yeah Wow okay Yeah yeah it looked like you were having A sexy mysterious time It was very aesthetic Kind of was It looked like you pounded a graveyard

I've never used the camera before And I bought one right before the trip And I was like teaching myself photography on the trip And that's what all the pictures were I don't think it's photography yet if it's your first time. No, it's not. No, it's not good.

Well, the pictures look good. No, they were good. No, I think that's more canon doing the job than I was just trying to be funny. Sean was being mean. I agree with you though, Sean. No, because you made him feel bad. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Because he's an empathetic person.

Now he's trying to, right. He's trying to make you feel bad. And head, we're talking the 50s probably when it was five bucks. No, I bet 70s for sure. In America? Seventies, it was free. There's a whole world. That's a whole world.

How are I look in Harper's sunglasses. Pretty good. Yeah, you look pretty good. They're the same frames as yours. Check us out on YouTube if you want to see how Ian Carmel is looking in Harper sunglasses.

Are those Raybans? They are. They're famously Oakley's. They don't pay you to sell them anymore. Cut the check. Oh, wow. Has this ever been a look? Yeah, Devo.

I mean, the 80s, for sure. That had to flip up. No, he had to flip up. Oh, he had a flip-ups. That's right. But two sunglasses? Stacked sunglasses? You should put one on the front,

one on the back. You look like an inspector gadget villain Now spin around real fast I don't have it like this That's where we find out you're an owl Do you have anything else you'd like to You're going to Italy

But you might be gone by the time This drop one of this drops in two weeks September 4th Yeah I will be going to Italy Oh So you have Italy wrecks Any Harper heads in Elity Italy damn it

That's okay Illity Where are you going to Italy I'm going to fly into Rome Then I'm going to drive down to Sublime with Rome or Rome? Jim Rome Jim Rome

Jim Rome yeah You're going to swing a vine Go to a Seria A game Go to a soccer match How? I tried to go in England and they It was impossible I bet it's easier in Italy Okay

Yeah But I'm gonna drive down to a spaghetti And then drive back up Yeah Have you ever had spaghetti before Spaghetti Spaghetti? Yeah

Over there they say spaget Spaghetti Spaghetti You should try spaghetti if you're there I don't know man That doesn't sound like something I think of choice You should go over there and watch Rocky

Listen go to the Vatican Meat My Connect. Freddie Spaghetti. Okay. You go. Freddy Spaghetti. You got Rocky 2 and 3 on DVD. If Freddy Spaghetti's busy, hit up Tony Macaroni.

Tony Macaroni? Yeah. Or Bella mozzarella. Okay. Or you can hit up Ivanya lasagna. Any one of them will be great, dude. Yeah. They know that they know the spot.

They don't where to get gas. Scotty, Riccati. He's good. Good guys. Tell me a Catholic. Yeah. Don't tell him you're Jewish. That's a different tour of the Vatican

I'll tell you this How long do you think I can get away with telling them I'm Jewish? A long time Yeah That beard? Yeah, definitely Yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm gonna do it What's the beard have to do with anything? It's a nice curly beard It looks somewhat rabbinical Yeah, he looks rabbinical to me Look at rabbi Yeah, that's a Jewish term Rabbinical?

Uh-huh, a rabbi. Rabbi, yeah, that's right. They cut my rebuttal cord when I was a rabbi. It's a rabbi-manianian. You know that 80s movie A Rabbinac That 80s movie Rabbi Cop Yeah, it's great

Dana Wrote it? My wife She wrote Robocop My old Did though Really? Yeah, it's great

What a psycho That scene where they I guess it's really literally saying Who it is I can bleep it Dana interviewed Peter Weller On Noble Blood He's a

He got his doctorate in history And then wrote Robocop No The guy who played Robocop. Oh, the guy who played Robo? Yes. She actually talked to RoboCop. She talked to RoboCop.

Really? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Now I'm interested. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

That's awesome. Yes. Nice guy? I forgot and thought his name was Murphy in real life. No, Murphy's Robocop's name, right? Murphy Brown. Murphy Brown. Well, his name is Robocop's name before he was Robocop was Murphy.

It was Officer Murphy. Before Red Foreman gave him the business. Oh, Red Foreman did give him the business. It's one of the most psychopath. It's one of the most psychotic scenes in a movie where you watch, when they, when they kill Murph in that movie, it's crazy. I think I'm going to watch Robocop tonight. It's good. Yeah, maybe I'll watch Robocop tonight.

Let's, you know what I watched last night? Let's put it on at the restaurant. Come over to where I'm staying. We can put it on Shane's Amazon. We did with belly. Do you guys want to watch it quietly at my house? Yeah. You can watch it in my house.

There's no any, on my laptop in the. Can we all get in your bed with you? No. Come on. And then I got to kick the girls out. How many of us here? Don't be a dickhead. David.

Nice. All right. What's your address? Isaac, what's your address? Do you want me to say it? Yeah, because I want people to come up, knock on your door. I'll bleep it. Okay, well, let it be on your head.

If you ever want to go to Los Felas, if you ever want to go to Los Felis Village and you, you know, you see me walking around, say hi. Yeah. Likewise at that you thought a Knobber cost when the last time you thought of Nauber was five bucks. a knobber It's a blowjob A knobber's different from a blowjob though Whoa enlighten me A knobber I feel like it's two hands

And the mouth Oh I feel like That's a different category of This has gotten very blue Yeah we've gone far This has gotten very blue Sorry

I don't know if you heard me I said blue job Oh blue job yeah yeah yeah Blue Chews Blue Chews Big League Chew That's right Or again blues That's where I'm from

at Ian Carmel on Blue Sky BB King Bibi King Ray Charles that album Booty Butt Oh yeah Ray Charles has a song

called booty butt Yeah It's good It's really good So Put that in your butt I'll smoke it I will later

You have anything to promote Other than you're going to Italy Yeah I'm going to Italy The bounce The Bands No that's it for now My name's Ian Carmel

Ian Carmel across all those platforms Come see us at High Plains We'll be performing all three nights One of us may have been at the atmosphere concert Earlier that day on one of the days Possibly Maybe and maybe his good friend Ian went with him I don't know if David wants to go

What is it? Red Rocks? It's a Red Rocks? Is that far? September 18th and 20 minutes That's the thing I thought Red Rocks was It's Adam I've asked multiple Adams They both told me that it's like from Adam West, Adam Scott Red Rocks is like 25 minutes

Adam Morrison Yeah You got to get there, though, because are you going to take a car? I would take a, I would take an Uber. To Red Rocks? It's like 25 minutes. It's not, I probably won't do it. I'm just, I threw it out.

That's expensive, you know. Because now you've got to take one back. I have heard from, like, touring musicians, multiple of it. They're like, Red Rocks is the best place to perform. It's awesome. That's what I've heard. It's awesome. And it's, it's like, atmosphere.

I can't remember who else is there, but, like, it's all, you know, it's stacked. I am texting the Adam Cate and Holland just to let him know that we do want to perform Friday night are you really?

Yeah well of course we do you don't have to do that I was going to think I'm rude he doesn't actually he's not actually going to stop those shows

he mentioned it so loosely that if you wanted to you know not do a show on Friday let me know and I have not let him know but he's such a courteous

guy that he might free up he would never do that I'm just gonna cut I'm gonna daughterize let me do it you want to do it I've never met if I do it

I'm not going to do it right now. Can Harper do it? Let me just be clear to him that that is our priority. He already did it after you said it. Did you already? Yeah. You hit him up? Oh.

Hopefully everybody wants to hear all this. Well, yeah, this is great. I will do it. I can't stay with you this year because you're here now. Ask him if he's interested in investing in the sloppy notties. Yeah. Well, that's what I already texted on my contact list.

I sent that to everyone on my contact list. Your investors club? Yeah. My investors club. Well, that's a minor league hockey team he was going to bring to Denver anyway. The sloppy notties. Yeah. Sort of like a major league type.

We'll be at high points. We're going to be having a great time. Really excited. Is it public knowledge that it's... It is now. Well, I don't know. I don't think it is. I don't think it is.

Oh, it's... Oh, it's not anymore? This will be... Can we cut this out? Yeah. And we're back in. Check out my book. T-shirt Swim Club.

You can buy it. You can listen to it. You can get it from the library. If you're not much of a book reader, you can get the audio book. and listen to my voice. Read the book. People really seem to like it. If you guess the correct year in Isaac's comment section of when the last time a Nover was $5.

We did look it up. We found out. Yeah. You'll get a copy of the book. I'll send it to you autograph. Type it in and see what comes up. No. No.

It's such a... It's so fun when someone gives you like a point blank like no. And just no. No. inflection, no riffing, no nothing. Yeah. Yeah, no riffing. Let me throw this at you.

Somebody talks so I can finish some of this text. Blake riffing. Hey. Okay. Now we're eating back up. Yeah, now we got it. Let me throw something out. This is going to be hilarious when people actually do comment on my Instagram and my

Normie friends, which are my, like, the majority of our friends, are going to look at my Instagram, be like, like, Like, why the fuck are all of these people commenting? They're going to be like, shit, Isaac fell off the wagon. What are your- Requested $5 from me. Yeah. Pay up, dude.

What do you say? He asked for $5 from you for being his favorite AFE guest? Yeah. Yeah, pay up. Pay up. All right, I'll give him time. Who did that do? There's also a woman that you requested $100 for him.

Oh, yeah, that was a joke. Extortion. Yeah, sure it was. Or was it for a blow job? job? No, very much was not No. Well, they don't go for about $5 these days, aren't they? I can't pay a C note for one of those things. All right, Sean,

not this Sean. You're going to give it to him? Yeah, I'm going to give it to him. Pay up? Wow. Well, don't start requesting. Well, see, I'll tell you what this was. That was a bad idea to announce you were going to pay him. And it's germane to what we're doing today. I'm going to request $1,000 from him. What if you get it, dude?

Oh, weird. An A. FV fan sent me $100. I'll accept it. And then if I'll just keep doing that. Yeah. Just so people know. People know not to hit me up. My Venmo is at Ian Carmel. Don't.

Are you still texting? We're free. Do you want us to say we're free all day Friday? Yes. Okay. That was the plan. That is my job. I hope all this stays.

Okay. Of course. Yeah, I have no obligations. By the way, my first appearance on this podcast as a guest, I made a joke about like, hey, I'm Cash App as Isaac A Lee, Venmo is Isaac Alee, and you can send me 69 cents. Yeah. I still get 69 cents every now and 10.

That's a funny thing to do. Yeah, it's like the sampler platter of it. That's my favorite bit that's come out of this. Doesn't happen anymore, man. One of you got, one of his got to do it to him soon. It doesn't happen to him anymore. The fact that he got annoyed with us for getting him free mozzarella sticks? He didn't get annoyed.

He did get annoyed. Well, he pretended to be annoyed. Okay. Well, yeah. But if somebody was like, hey, I hooked you up so people just send you sampler platters all the time, I would be like, this is awesome. This would be amazing. It's pretty cool.

Please bring. It was the first time I realized anybody listened to this podcast. It was the same. Yeah. I was like, what? People have been sending me sampler platters. I'm up to my ass and boneless chicken wings. That would have happened.

Yeah. That would have happened anyway. That might happen a night I don't know where we're going I don't think a boneless Chicken Wing place But the night is young I'll bring some

They have a corkage fee For chicken wings But I'm sure you can pay it Per wing Per dozen Okay Okay Excuse me

Excuse me sir $100 to bring your own boneless Garcin Well here's 200 I may leave and come back You may need to make it Boneless What do you need to make it boneless

What do you You have the chef de bone these chicken wings for them. Excuse me, go get Chef de Bone and have them take out the bones. Chef de Bone could have been in Color Me Bad. Yeah. He was. Chef to Bone. He might have found him color Me Bad.

It was the guy with the pirate who. Yeah. Did he have the cane too? Who had the cane? No. No, boy's the man with a pirate. No, there was a white guy with a cane. There was a white guy with a cane.

You talk about Brian in Color Me Bad? Yeah. White guy big suit cane. He's the guy that looked like Clay Thompson. So he didn't like need a cane I thought John B looked like Clay Thompson Oh no this is all becoming a whole thing That's a different guy

Oh the text The text seriously Wait what's happening Wait hold on no I'm gonna clear this up you guys talk I'm not unable to perform that night I misspoke to Adam obviously Look how serious he got

It's got real serious yeah It wasn't a thing where I meant to say I can't perform that. We should draft things that we have to clear up for Sean. Lead us into the rock paper scissors. Yeah. I was still in Sean. Okay, I'll do it.

I'd have to do fucking everything around here. I was going to say Sean. Clean up your mess. It's like a Roomba. Now I feel like you're mad at me. No, I'm not. I didn't mean to. I've been mad at you twice in my life for a grand total of seven minutes.

What happened? Both over alcohol. I drank, you don't. Too much or too little? So one time Ian was taking food. One time Ian was poop and I walked up and dumped a bottle of crystal on his head. So he got mad at me for that. Sean was like,

I thought this was a freak car. And then the other time I threw a bottle of liquor at his face while he was asleep. Sean, I was in Portlandia, and I had a special edition of Portlandia beer that I was keeping in the fridge of the keepsake. Yeah. Sean drank it. But I felt the bottle.

Okay. Yeah, and I didn't. I just, and I remember Shane, too, because I grabbed it. And Shane's like, Ian's been saving that. I'm like,

well, I'll take it up. I'll buy him one or whatever. And then, what a dick hit. And I drank it. Yeah. Didn't need it, by the way.

No, that's the time that you drink that. The other one is Comedy Central sent you a bottle. Right. Comedy Central sent you a bottle. And then that was the weekend I got fired from Hulu. Yeah. And it was just at the house. Yeah.

And it wasn't enough that I brought you to right behind home plate at the Dodgers again. It comes eight minutes. Stead. Steadily turning into nine or ten minutes. I don't even remember. I don't even remember. What kind of liquor it was? Kara probably sent it to me.

It was a double barrel. It was like this double barrel whiskey and I ordered some new stuff from this place in Glendale and I paid for it and it never got there. Like I searched for it, went and found it at this place,

ordered it, paid for it there, never came. Damn, dude. Yeah, it was like 80 bucks. You bought 80 bucks of black velvet? Way more than that, my friend. It's happened, yeah. They put it in one of those giant water tanks.

That used to be the go-toe. You just pull it. Hold on Okay, there we go It always blew my mind When someone could toss the water cooler tank On without spilling it It's just impressive

Oh, just that Yeah, they don't even It's not, I have a water cooler in my house It's not even set up like that anymore Really? You slide it underneath and Oh, I don't like that No, it's still pretty cool

You have it at the crib Well, now I got Wad and a couple camping chairs in a bed right now Yeah, fucking Looks like a treatment set Russian guy's got my gun. Well, if you had a dollar for every time you said that. Is there a gun in there?

No, no, we brought it. Oh, that's so sad. Trope with it to protect the animals. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. From coyotes. Yeah. And Timberwolves. Timberwolves, are they, there, is it just a kind of wolf or is there a timber wolf?

There's a, I don't know. What was a basketball team? I knew a kid named Timberwolf once. What? Yeah, he's native. It's a type of wolf. Okay. Also known as the Algonquin wolf.

That doesn't have the same ring to. The wolf for the good land. The way to determine the order of this draft is the rollicking game of rock paper scissors. Play between the three of you and we throw on shoot. We're drafting bad ideas. Here we go. Rock paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Sean wins.

The scissors against wee, two papers. Sean is the winner. It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do that. I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. Would you like some grapes? No. Okay. There's grapes on the table in the headgum studio.

They're fake. But you're just listening, and you've heard that joke in the last two weeks. That's what it's about. There it is. Bloop. Pop-up video style. I didn't mean to make any waves. Are you upset?

No, no, no, no, no. I'm worried now. I really, it's good, right? We can perform all three of those. I certainly planned on it. All good, dude. Yeah, he didn't think I was going to atmosphere. I was all I got now I'm going to have to call him after this

I can't believe I can't believe I don't think you call right now terrible no I he is what a sweetheart anyway what's the serpentine draft that's right it's like when you text Adam that you're not and then later I texted him like I do want to go to atmosphere though I couldn't say it in the room that's what's going to happen after this all end yeah he's going to bed Adam Ian's going to miss a wedding for this

Don't tell him. Hop on the grenade for me. Tell him that you didn't want to book us on Friday. You only wanted us there on the popular nights of a festival Thursday and Saturday. You're going to be like, hey, I got to call out. I'm going to go in the bathroom. Just call him from the car. No, I'll be like, no, but I have to take a big shit.

So I can't do it in your car. And I figured I might as well call him while I take a big shit. Or a serpentine draft is like, when you drizzle something. That was my original one. I get it. When you drizzle? Yeah. I get it

You guys waffle or pancake people Waffle man Although Well Laura makes pancakes I've been kind of thinking about pancakes I love pancakes I like the pockets We don't make the

See I like we don't make the waffles Those are toasters She makes pancakes and they're dope She'll put some cinnamon in there Oh but you don't have a waffle line We have a little heart-shaped one That I bought her for Valentine's Day a while back But it only makes tiny little lovey

Brother Have you tried pouring lovers nog in there In secretettes? Booner juice Was that last episode? Lover's not. Oh, I forgot to tell you guys. I'm crazy town the bar in New Orleans.

How'd that go? Oh, I found out. I know. Didn't work. Someone texted me. Someone texted you that he crazy down the bar? He was in. It didn't work.

Was it after the A&P show? No, no. This is my last week in New Orleans. Or after your show, I mean? Was it that bar up the street from sports drink? Yep, rendezvous. That is a place where I think maybe they would like crazy town. Is that that well-lit bar?

Yes, no, that one went out of business Oh, good, good ratings Rendez was the dank one at the pool tables But I crazy town him I created him and I gin blossomed And like... Sounds like you just sort of let your heart pick the songs Yeah, I don't know

Yeah, I don't say that like that things Other people are doing Something I did that I didn't want any of this to happen I just had to do it That prank were you playing Lightning crashes by life I like the idea of you listening to Crazy Town When you're eyes closed

Like a white lady at church I was walking around like You guys want to hear the truth Is that repeated plays Butterfly by Crazy Town or just one? I probably did like five the other night God damn

A row or like No spread out Okay yeah It was noticed I'm sure No It didn't It didn't grab the crowd From my reports

Let me see Yeah Come to these high playing shows All crazy time You know where I We should do a show That I bet it would work Anchorage

Yeah There was one woman Who was kind of swaying But it was like 1 a.m. and she may have been swaying due to being hammered. Yeah, well. All right. Take a win. We're crazy. I'm not knocked that up as a W, dude.

Basically what it means you pick fourth in the first round. You pick first in the second round. Now, Sean, with that in mind, what would the order of today's draft be? Oh, it's me. Yeah? Harper, David, me, you. Hot corner. It's a lot of pressure. Wait, me, you. Yeah. It's a lot of breath.

Parker, David, Sean. The order is Zach Harper, David, Sean Jordan, Ian Carmel, Hot Corner. We're drafting bad ideas. We're going to get to that first pick right after the short break. This episode of All Fantasy, everything, is brought to you by Draft Kings. Now, NFL fans, week one is your shot to play free and stack a million dollar cash bag with Draft Kings Pick Six, an official partner of the NFL. Here is how you do it.

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must claim token for free entry in bag builder contest. Only perfect entries can share the cash prize. Tokens are single use and expire September 8th at 815 p.m. Eastern terms at picksix. Dot draftkings.com slash promos. This episode of All Fantasy, everything is brought to you by Mack Weldon. Mac Weldon has you covered. we talk about it all the time for a reason because they have every single facet of life covered.

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promo code all fantasy. Welcome back to All Fantasy, everything, the only podcast that has ever existed, except, of course, for Cinephile. Cynaphobe. Petophile. Well, that's a different pod. Petapope.

We are on YouTube. It's a pedophob. It's a pedophob. Oh, yeah, we are on YouTube. I'm going to bleep it. Are you going to? For the algorithm, yeah. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, you're not supposed to say that? No, no, no, you can say it. It's just they'll, they'll just demote you on the algorithm. Will they really? Yeah, for sure. What if I say, what if I say, boner pills? I think that's fine.

What helps with the algorithm? Ooh, that's a good question. When is that? Wednesday on Netflix. Yeah. Toy unboxing. Yeah. K-pop demon hunters.

I heard that's actually good. I heard it's good, too. I can't watch it. It scared the shit out of her. Really? Yes, it's terrifying. Because the Koreans. She's terrified. I'm a classic.

I have a firm and steady hand. She thinks you invented Taekwondo and she started getting on her eyes all of a sudden. Wait a second. Wait a minute. Try not to laugh videos. Oh, is that good? Oh, cat video. How about this?

Mr. Beast. Mr. Beast. This didn't age well. You won't believe how this child actually. looks now. 20 v.1. 20 most fuckable uncrustables.

Top 10 Karen moments. 20 most crustable unfuckables. Five times a cop got put on blast and traffic stop. Horse receives donated

I's owner for a first time. Boobes. Horse's deaf mother gets cochlear implants and hears that horse see the donator for the first time. Type-based circumcision fails. Type shit.

Type shit. Whalebirth. These are all good for the after-rhythm, right? I mean, yeah, they are. I would watch any of those. What? You'd watch a whalebirth? Mr. Bean, J-O-I.

What? Jack-off instructing? Jack-off instruction? You never J-O-I's? J-O-I's? I never needed the instructions. Okay. jail. Maybe you're not doing it right. I was born with

a manual, my friend, right up here. Queen of the Galaxy. God gave it to me because she knows what she's doing. At it, babe. For the day, I was born. I don't jack my d'clock. Donkey Kong died 1992 replaced with clone conspiracy theory.

Question mark. The shocking truth behind I Carly. You went into your comedy central way. You did Comedy Central right there. Is that bad? Yes. Oh, no. Oh, man. I'm sorry, fellas. it's going to be $2,000.

Yeah, I mean, fair's fair. Now we have to do Friday in high place. Man's got a code. I gotta get that five bucks back. He's got to do Friday. Oh, that's awesome. Are we back? Yes, we're back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cinephile. No one listens to Cinephile. And emotional. And emotional. Yeah. And my mama told me. That's right.

She motion. I'm not on that. You're not on that. No. Interesting. Yeah. You told. You told it you were.

I told everybody was my podcast. Yeah. Oh, I tell people I write for the athletics, so it's cool. Okay. Also that Bill Harper is my dad. He would love that. I think you would. I walked to the, he asked me how you were doing.

Oh, man, how's he doing? He's off of the social. He's off of socials. He didn't mention me, huh? Well, still ask him how he's doing from me, if you would, please. My mom wanted to thank you again for putting her on the list to your show. That's right, because I did that. I didn't, I did it.

I did it. It was me who did it. She also admired my musical days. She did. That was upsetting. I like that a lot. Oh, she likes vampire weekend. Wow.

Whoa. Hey. Hey. Damn. You weren't even back. That was crazy. I've been waiting to say that for a decade. I can tell.

I do like vampire weekend. Good God. Oh. Fuck you too. All right. What are you doing? What's happening in here? I'm lashing out.

I'm mad about this High Plains thing and I feel a fool and I can't do anything because I'm reporting. I can't call at him so I feel bad about myself and I'm deflecting and maybe reflecting. I'll tell you that. Maybe you are reflecting. I'll tell you this.

I didn't even bother to look up a vampire weekend's playing a show that weekend because I wouldn't go. Damn. I can't go either because my box is a dickhead. I'll have to tell my boy Sean that I can't make it. About your boss. You're equal partners

He texts me that once a week Never forget I'm your fucking boss You better be funny this episode You piece of shit I say it up all night Don't forget I'm your boss I send you don't tell videos of comedians I can have you replaced in a second

You fucking yeah Alex Flynn is chomping at the bitch He's younger Shut at Alex Can't confirm vamp is not going to be at high planes Or at Red Rocks But where are they going to be You guys call them in Montclair, New Jersey.

That's what you guys call. The fans call them vamp? Vamp week. Yeah. I'm friends with them. Like, I know those guys. We call them VAM week. And they like their friend calling them vamp week?

Maybe not. I should call them. Call them right now. Get them on the horn. Ezra Koneg? I only have Vampire Weekdays number, so it's tough. Ah, God. Man.

Almost, Harper. Almost. So close. Horshoes and hand grenades, my friend. The real crazy town. Joe crazy. What were we talking about? Vampire Week Day.

Oh, you were lashed out. You were making fun of me for liking Vampire Weekend. It hurt because you went because jazz is the easy punchline. Right. I can't even say jazz. I can't. I got to be specific. Yeah. It was great. It was really great. Thanks. Yeah.

Do it me. No. It hurts. You passed. It hurts. By the way, it's nice to be nice. Let's promote that as well. That's what I wanted to say. Yeah. It's nice to be nice. I was on that.

I was on that. I have not been up, I guess everyone. Oh, no. Neither have I monopolize your time when you're up there. I feel bad. I haven't been on it either. I haven't been on it either. We got to be there.

Well, I'll go to Portland anytime. I have so many friends. I used to live there. I did it via Zoom that you don't have to be there. Oh, shit. You're right. It is right. You are right.

So hold on, Sean, you're lying to me. You were lying to you. I was the first Zoom. Well, I'll be there for a week starting like Friday. I'll be at the coast and then I'll be in Portland for a week. Let's do it. Yeah. We'll see.

What's it about again? How somebody's helped you in your life. Yeah. How's it happened? So when you come on. Bootstraps. I'll cry a bunch because you let me live with you. And you.

We talked about you. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Just about how hot you are, though. Okay. Good. Yeah. Didn't come up.

If it's not talking about basketball, I don't listen. Okay. Nice. Yeah. That's my only thing. You listen to the bills in there. Oh, and music. It's not talking sloppy noughties.

I ain't going. That's right. That's true. It's goddamn right. We shall all get that tattoo tonight. Harper, you have the first big of bad ideas. We can do it tonight. Speaking of bad ideas.

Yeah. I mean, this is not one I've done a lot, but it has never worked out. Let's get back together. Oh. You broke up for a reason. Yeah. Yeah. Let's drag it out for two years.

Fuck you. Yeah. Yes. It always turns into that. This woman I dated who tried to break up with me a number of times and I liked her so much. But I didn't like, I liked the idea of her and I liked that she liked me. Anyway, it's all complicated. But I talked her into not breaking up so many times.

And it was such a bad idea. That's slow death on the mind. Let that happen, man. Let the fruit fall. Yeah. Yeah. Because you got to have the next day. Yeah.

But you talk her out of it and then you wake up the next morning and you're like, the fuck am I doing and you're just nervous all the time and then you're pretending to like oh this is better than it is yeah yeah yeah you get that dope this is what I really want yeah

yeah because it feels good immediately and then after although there's we yeah like I did break up Laura twice it was me being scared okay knew

that I was gonna merit but it's not because it was bad no it's because I was scared it was a lot of stuff and also long distance but it did work out I think. She's not watching.

She quit. She quit after all that blowjob talk. I guarantee she's like, no. Well, now you can surprise her with a sloppy naughty. That's true. And she'll think it's your idea. Laura, I got a sleut truck. Dad's making dinner.

And then she'll be like, oh, no, it didn't work. This is the wrong relationship. What would Laura do if... Dude, this is one of my favorite games and she hates it so much? I bet. What would Laura do if, like, you're like, I'm making dinner tonight? And then you served up some sloppy. Now, the sloppy naughty is the way that we've talked about them, like hauled out baked potatoes with your own sloppy jo meat.

I'll tell you what she'd, okay. If I was like making dinner at sloppy naughty, she'd be so bummed and she's like, what is a sloppy naughty? She wouldn't want to say it. And I'd be like, just trust me. And she'd giggle and trust me. And then when I served it up, she'd be stoked. As long as there was a vegetable around. Yeah.

If I had some naughty broccoli around. That's just, that's broccoli with jizz all over. you didn't even have to do that you did not even have to do that no I noddy didn't have to no it's broccoli it's just broccoli with parmesan on

no no it's like broccoli with parmesan on but she'd be she'd be just as soaked as I would she likes trashy food yeah that what Dana would do if I did that I'm making it like I'm making it a nice dinner

If you did, I didn't say, you didn't, I'm not going to tell her it's a nice dinner. I'm going to say I'm making dinner. Yeah, well, anyway. If I said I was making a nice dinner and I gave her a sloppy noddy, it'd be insane. You can't tell her in the morning you're making sloppy nadas. You have to say that when you're. When I get in the kitchen moving around. When I got the apron that's a buff naked dude.

Take the close off. Madame, you're sloppy nodding. I think that's how it got. Yeah, that's how it has to do. Yeah. Just playing freak me on. the sonos. Freak me on the soness.

Freak me, baby. Freak me, baby. Let me lick you up. And she goes for a fork a knife and you're like, that's not how you eat. You eat this with your hands side by and your back. Yeah, it feels like a contest food. Yeah.

Oh, I want more of this on the ground. Okay, let's... Contest foods is the next draft? Well, yes, that for sure. but how many sloppy notties do you think you can take down? A full baked potato? Well, it's filled with... Hall it out, but then, yeah.

Filled with sloppy noughty. Yeah. Four? Whoa. If I had to. Oh, my God. We're not had to. I guess had to.

I look at it. I look at it like a Sith, all or nothing. Like I can't... The way you said... That's all jett. Well, right. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, if in a, in like, I'm trying to eat. mood too yeah all right yeah yeah okay one piece of broccoli yeah but you make a show of it mmm like naughty broccoli you believe that i go show my neighbors look at this look at this hold it up to their ring and then walk back in your house i was never going to make nothing to myself you go knock on your neighbor's door with a piece of broccoli on a fork hey josh i eat the broccoli that just walk away hey josh who's the good neighbor now you know the people back home thought I'd never eat broccoli.

God damn idiots. Now I'll eat broccoli in my own home. All right, Josh. Anyway, sloppy noughties next Friday in the bathtub. We're going to have dinner in the bathtub. Let's get back together as a bit is almost always. Yours are the exception that proves the rule. Sure, there are exceptions to it.

But for the most part, not a great idea. Mitigating circumstances. Yeah. Yeah. Usually. Yeah. There's a reason. Oh, putting off a work task until that day at work. God, that's smart.

Yes. I, e. A list of bad decisions. Oh. When did you put yours together? Are you doing it right now? Together. It's one of the easier ones.

I pretty much started after Golic left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, I had a lot. all day. I was, I mean, I was doing shit too. You're new in town. Yeah, I just fucking had to pick up some furniture today. Um, but that is legit. Putting something off at where I, like, when you have to, when you're like, I could have just done this last night and it wouldn't have butt into my whole shit. But you're like, no, I want to watch Fight Club or whatever you were fucking doing. Dude, I do it with set lists all the time, you know, where it's like you got to do a big long set and you don't, it'll be

minutes before I'm going up. And I'm like, I haven't even kind of thought about any. anything that I'm about to say. Now I'm looking through my notes, like for the last time I wrote the hour in order. I have an email. I forward it to myself in every city. And it's set list New Orleans. And I forward it set list to Atlanta. And it's just a big mashup.

And I also never look, by the way. I go up on stage and just never look at it. Yeah. But it's good to have. It's a good grudge I have. But yeah. I have started doing work assignments the second I get them. And it has improved my life so much.

It's insane. It's like annoying. Yeah. Like how much better. You know how you're supposed to do. Yeah. Just do the work. You're not going to get out.

My problem with that shit is like, I'm not getting out of doing the work. Yeah. You're going to do the work still. Right. That's like from future you. She'll just, she has a job due in December or whatever, but she'll sit and edit now. And in my mind, I'm like, we could also go see Superman. And she's like, no, I got to do this.

Writing shit is like that. We can go see Superman in two months. Oh, I do. Like, oh, we have the meeting tomorrow at noon. Yeah. let me and then you're like I'll just I got it pretty much down let me just throw it together and you're in the Uber yeah yeah yeah I'll like I'll throw it in the Uber I'll throw it together when I wake up and then you wake up and you like walk the dog and watch fucking color me

bad videos right yeah and then it's like five minutes before you're supposed to leave and you're like I guess I won't shower and I'll just do this work yeah yeah I do that with the bounce which is free the athletic dot com slash the bounce free basketball newsletter every once in I'll go out and not even like oh I'm getting drunk I'll just go out to dinner go out hang out with people and be like oh well I'll just finish this when I get back oh yeah and then it's 1 a.m. I'm like man I'm super tired but it has to get turned in before I go to sleep yeah and that's a tough one you know what I used to do in high school a lot was like especially football season I'll just wake up really early oh my oh yeah I'll just wake up really and you never do

I'm not going to do homework work at 5 o'clock in the morning they am and do homework there's There's no stronger gravity on Earth than high school early morning gravity. Yeah. Not like the gravity keeping you in bed at 6 a.m. or 5 a.m. like in high school. Yeah. You can't beat that. That house could be on fire. No, it's impossible.

It's easier to get up now than it was back then. Way. Massively easier. Yeah. Because your body's not growing. Yeah. Because my baby's crying in the other room. You're laying like, bro, sleeping.

A dog. And also tomorrow's my mom. morning. I'll be all right. You guys do the mornings? You do the alternate. It kind of depends. Like when I'm on work because I have to start work at like 6.30. She's on it during weekdays and I get them in the afternoon. But

I'm off the next two weeks. Yeah. Flip-flop. Flip-flop. Yeah. Putting off a work task. Always a bad idea. Staying up all night. Okay. We're all just currently making bad decisions. It was what I did last night.

It just, it didn't sound horrible when, because we did the show. It never sounds horrible at the time. But, man, so did the show, got done at one. You were in Chicago. Yeah, back to the crib at like two chilled out, hung out. And man, I got to, hold on, I got a shout out. You also had a long day leading up to a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It seemed awful to me. You had a bad show. in Indiana by the way shout on Nick for thank thank you for letting me crash at the crib for like an hour and just sit and chill and talk and everything because that's what we did so Zach and I left Minneapolis at 10 a.m. yesterday?

Yeah. Jeez. So drove from there to Michigan City, Indiana, which is like nine hours. Yeah. And it was the worst the worst weather that I've seen in years like rain wise. Storm crowd. Storm crowd. But, like, crazy, like, two hours of, like, heavy, heavy, scary to drive-in rain. Yeah. And then we get through it, and then we're just driving down the freeway, and all of a sudden, Zach Slimes on the brakes.

There's, like, a truck that was hauling a boat that must have, I don't know what happened, but it didn't flip, but it like jackknife. So we stopped feet in front of this on the freeway, taking up two lanes, a boat and a truck. Damn. The truck was facing us. we were the second car behind it slammed on the brakes and we're both like holy shit this is crazy

and a semi behind us slammed on the Jake brakes and was honking the horn and went in the median and it was the semi was like sideways like skidding kind of and then we were only the second car

so we were really like okay and then we just went past but I'm sure if you were 30 cars back that's another two hours on your trip easily it was cross the lanes it was nuts so like that was before we got to the the first show.

And then that was like a, that was a wedding. I did poorly. It was a wedding. Okay. It was like, it was like a, a reception for a wedding

from a year ago. So like they didn't have the proper reception, I guess. And they're like, let's do it now. It just did not. Let me go ahead and drop a PSA right now in the middle of your store.

We appreciate all the opportunities. Oh. And I'm, I perform less than anyone else here. appreciate all opportunity Don't book any of us for a wedding reception Right I'll do it for a word

Yeah hard book Harper will do it You think you want stand-up at a wedding You don't want stand-up at a wedding You don't want stand-up at a ton of things That aren't stand-up shows to be completely honest You want stand-up at a stand-up show It doesn't need to be necessarily

The Office Christmas party Even not Because it takes up too much time People want to talk to each other. Yeah. People want to dance. They want to listen to music. They want, they, like, nine times out of ten, they do not want a stand-up comedian to go up and talk.

So we did that show. You think you're being fun and different. And you are being different. Yes. And sometimes fun. For the most part, do the traditions are traditions for a reason. Well, Zach was a shining example. He really did as well as you could have done.

Yeah. But there's like a band setting up right after him. That's tough. Like, no, no, like while he's up. They're like the last five minutes. They're setting up. So then we dip, more rain, get to the show, do the show. It was great.

Thank you, Chicago. Go to Nick's house, chill. But by then it's like 233. And I'm like, the flight's at six. It's $5.55. Yeah. So what am I going to sleep for an hour? It just doesn't make any sense.

Go to the airport. And right when you get to the airport and all the lights hit. And then you're like... That's when it gets you. Because you're... You were no hair, too? Yeah. Did you go through that vibe tunnel?

I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're mellow. So, like, the whole time there I was mellow. I'm like, oh, I'm still kind of tired. It doesn't. And then you get there and the lights hit and you're like, this sucks. Yeah.

Now I'm so tired. It's like jarring how tired I am because now the lights and everyone else is exhausted and there's lines. And then, yeah, stayed up. I did get to sleep on the airplane a little bit because, so we get on the airplane. Nobody cleaned the pooper, dude. So we had to de-board the plane because they couldn't find anyone. But then 20 minutes later, we got back on. But in that 20 minutes, they had to rebook like 30 people.

people who were trying to catch connecting flights. So in that, it emptied out 30 seats. Two of those were mine right next to me, got the whole row. God damn right. Yeah. That doesn't happen. You're the phantom pooper, aren't you? I was bringing a crap with me everywhere.

Did you then set up a blanket as like a curtain to block you off? That's what you should have done. Oh, I didn't even do that. I don't think you can. I don't think you can. I don't think you can lay on the seats. I don't think they let you do that. In theory, I've done it.

I've done it. But I don't think it's kuth. It might be on kuth. I think it's uncouth. So I did, I tried every position I could find. And I know I slept because I had a dream. Dog style, reverse cowgirl. Yeah.

But with nobody else. I'm just like, man, it's not really getting tired over here. Laying down, getting ridden. Get it. You want you Bisk off? You want some Bisk off? Like, no, there's a reverse cowgirl happening. Did you have a Bisk off?

They laid one on my seat for me while I was asleep. Had it when we landed. God bless by the attendance. But yeah, don't stay up all night. It's always a bummer. It's almost always a bad idea. It's always a terrible idea. If you like stay up to the sun comes up.

In Italy, they call them Lotus. Is that true? Oh, yeah, that is true. You'll find out. Yeah. If you want to sound like a local called Biscop for Lotus. Lotus. Oh, I thought you meant not sleeping.

Oh, no. See, that was going to be very confusing. There's fun examples of pulling an all-nighter. Like back when you were a teenager, They were like, flash riding. Yeah, even really early 20s, like 20, 21. Yeah. Oh, you just go to work.

Yeah, yeah. Straight through, crew? I never had an amazing time. I did it a couple times and I made it fun, but I always wish I would have slept. I always wish I would have got some sleep. But like, the ability now is like, I don't know if I could stay. I'll do it every once well because of a flight and I always hate it. Yeah.

I always regret it. It's all. Yeah. I mean, I don't do it anymore. I sleep, I will sleep the one. hour now. I'm like... Yeah. Yeah. It does help tremendously. Just wherever you can get it. But then

that's usually shitty sleep because you're like... You're waking up every second. Yeah. All the way through I like that. Straight through crew, bro. You got me sleepy. I know. I'm not going to sleep. That's weird. Okay. Not

peeing when you have the chance. Yes. Dog. Such a bad idea. Tell him. If you feel even... Hey, maybe I should pee right now. Even a flicker.

Yeah. Even just one sense that you might be able to pee. If that tingle gets to the top? Gotta do it. Let it out. Let it out. Which I'm going to go to the back. Go pee right now, my friend.

Go pee right now. That's what we're trying to drive home to Max because I'll just, I'll check in. I'm like, it's been hours. I know you have to pee. She'll be doing a puzzle or something. And she's like, I don't want to pee. And I'm like, 30 seconds. And then you've pissed.

and then now you can do the puzzle I just you just you got to do it because it'll catch it like I did that on the car drive yesterday where you there's a part I pissed my pants yeah

the second I got in the car so I'm gonna I'm gonna sit in this for 13 hours you deserve it doing yeah no I did that where I was like maybe I should pee at the stuff I was like I'm good yeah hour later it was like

like I'd never peed before and it sucks when you have to go when you have to go or even at night now When it's like, you're like half almost asleep and you're like, well, I got, I worked myself into this half sleep, but I don't want to ruin that. But it's like, no, you just got to do it. Every time I wake up, I pee at night.

Every time, because I can't, I'm just like, I got to get up. And that's just life is a 27 year old. Yeah, it is. Go-go lifestyle with 27. I can see my prostate. I will stay, I will stay up in bed reading long. Like, I'm like, I'm about ready to fall asleep. Me too.

But I'm like, but Sean and I will stay up reading. Just because I'm like, I know somewhere in there There's one more pee And I'll read until that pee And then I'll pee and then I'll go to bed Yep Just like any situation Like if I'm at the coffee shop

I live a 10 minute walk From the coffee shop I go to you But if I got to pee even a little bit I'm peeing at that coffee shop It has to be the last thing I do before I go to bed too Like if I go pee and then for whatever reason If I even answer a text or whatever in bed I always get up and go squeeze out whatever's left

Get it out of there Yeah Because otherwise what are you punishing yourself You're going to feel uncomfortable for no reason? Get it out. Get that P. That's a great pick. Hey, you're right.

Yeah. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Feel great. Having sex when you're too full is my second pick. Ooh. You always start it thinking you can finish it.

You always think I'm a soldier. No, it's fine. I'll be on the bottom. People have sex after they eat steak all the time. They go on big dates and then they come home and have sex. Hey, what are they doing Italy? What do they do in Italy? What do they do?

in Italy after they eat a pasta dinner. Right. They manja and then they manja. No, don't. Stop trying to do it. You've had too much food. You can have sex tomorrow. Or maybe even wake up in the middle of the night and you go for it.

Sure. I don't want to, but you could. Really? You don't like that? When I'm sleeping. I think I do my best work when I'm half of sleep. Really? I want to sleep.

That's complicated. Yeah, I don't. I am. Very complicated. That's fair. sleep. I want to be asleep. Yeah, I'm doing one or the other. I'm not, no. Yeah. And it's most, I mostly want to sleep.

Isaac, am I alone on this? No, you're not. Okay, thank you. You're a midnight, you're a midnight rider? A midnight cowboy? Midnight rocker-rubber. I think there's something to do with, like, when you're really relaxed. Yeah, that's what it is. Yes. I play my music in the sun.

I've never once been relaxed during sex, so I don't know what that means. You speak on the pomp, but it's a love, too, right? Yeah. It's just awful Sometimes when you're like trying to And you can hear the food rattling around Like water in a bottle You know that?

Where you're sloshing For me it's more if I drank a lot with the meal Also awful Red wine Not even alcohol just like if I just had like Two Coke zeros And then you're just like Bluh

A bunch of root beer flying around in there Oh like I gotta stop I think the cream soda is gonna come up on me I feel like one of those crash barriers They fill with water In front of like medians So they don't hit the concrete right away It's real quiet

You can if you can ever hear That's what I'm saying The stuff sloshing around in there That'll take you right out of it It's just don't do that to yourself Don't do that to your partner No Come on

But maybe that's a kink And if that's your kink cool Absolutely not Kemp Tommy sloshing Full fucking Or Tommy sloshing Hot farts Hot farts while you're fucking

Oh man the other day Laura We woke up and she's like I think I heard you fart in your sleep and it was so cute and I was like, God, damn. I don't like that. I hated it. It's so funny that you farted in your sleep.

That's an old guy thing to do. I'm not ready. It's a baby thing to do too. It's a baby thing to do. My baby farts? That's the, that's the spectrum. Well, maybe you're a cute little baby. Am I?

Yeah, and I hope so. I think you're a cute little baby, dude. Yeah, and I was like, anyway, that wasn't me. I don't know. Yeah. Broke in and ripped ass in the room, but it wasn't me. Yeah. If you're going to, like, plan accordingly.

If you're planning on getting down that night, maybe don't have the chicken parmesan. No. You know? Here's the weird thing about, like. I like, I have, uh, sushi. Sushi is perfect.

Go have sushi. Sushi is perfect. I had a bunch of sashimi tonight. Yeah. And you're like, I'm ready to get down. Yeah, whatever, man. I got a little carb energy. I could have a bunch of sashimi and, like, a Sapporo and still handle it.

Absolutely. Eel's supposed to give you, right? You're thinking of a powdered rhino horn. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they grind up an eel and put it in a... A powdered horn of right off. No, I'm thinking like if you eat eel, it's supposed to...

Yes. Is that right? I've heard this as well. I've never tested it, but... Tonight. No food has ever jacked me. No. I don't think it's true.

I don't think any of that. No, like oysters. Yeah. If I'm taking a lady out to an oyster dinner, I'm already... With now my fiancee, I was warning because we went to seafood. Right. Yeah. You already...

I was horny when you said, yeah, I'll go out. with you? Yeah. You're in a horny situation. Yeah. Yeah. It's not the oyster. We're at the water grill.

I'm bricked. People. I think people think that's true because oysters a little bit. Seem like pussy? It looked like vagina. Yeah. Yeah. There's some vagina aspects to oil.

There we go. I'm getting some oysters after this wherever we're going. Yeah. I bet they have oysters. They have oysters. I was just looking at the menu. You looking at the menu? Four piece oyster and there's four of us who eat oyster.

Yeah. I'm allergic. I'm allergic. I'm allergic. I am. Are you? Yeah, I'm allergic. Oh, I'll give Violent Leo.

What if you watch someone eat an oyster? I'll get horny and then Violent Leo. Nice, dude. That looks like we're having an oyster. Sean, time for your second. We should get a shrimp cocktail, too. I'm just hungry. I'm just hungry.

That last drink you don't need? The last drink is a bad idea. God, bro. One more drink before we go? That one where you're like, well, let me do one more shot on the way out. I mean, I, you know, I'd. So I could go home. so I can embarrass myself in the Uber.

To make sure I far. Whatever the fuck I'm going to do. I go home and I go home and tell Alana about the joke I'm writing. Are you asleep? Excuse me, I believe my house is on the derache. It's about how if you spend your life as a weird guy, there's no like road markers for that.

So then you just spin out. Because if you were regular, you would have known it It's time to buy a car, but you know, this weird fucking guy. Anyways, I'm glad we're not moving to Austin. I'm going to go make a calzone. Do you want some of the chicken bites from Costco? It's funny because I had one last drink the other night, and I screen shot at a joke, and I was going to send it to you guys, and I didn't because I'm like, what's what I'm doing?

I'm going to read it to you right now. That's the most vulnerable. You don't need to be this vulnerable. Here's what it says. It says, joke, all caps. and then it says Right at the top joke

And then it says Just to be clear It's a joke Bullet point My buddy in middle school showed me a gun and pubs Another bullet point Showed me the gun

Dot dot dot whatever Showed me the pubs That scared Anyone can get a gun God has to tap you To get early pubs That's funny That is funny

It was funny But it was just a case Of those That one last drink Where I'm like They're gonna want to hear this By the way Two in the morning

Your time easy Dude so many of my jokes don't go that way let me yeah what does everybody have in the hopper right yeah I got I got a bunch of weird shit do you have a notes app that says oh my colon oh yeah okay

every everyone at the top I write jokes here's one from a week ago that just says dogs and cats finally put aside their differences is that addiction I think I was just I was just I was thinking it would be a funny this was like a sleep thing

I think it would be I think it was funny because when we were kids it was like they fight like cats and dogs and then people just stopped saying that because the war was more like cats love dogs now yeah no one thinks that cats and dogs hate each other anymore no that's what I was thinking because they did they didn't get as much

publicity it didn't get as much publicity but they did all in the same gang thing for cats and dogs back in the early 90s exactly and it worked I don't know where my phone is but here's an honest I'm like I know what you're looking for it

But yeah, just that one last Walking out, like you're good You've been there for a while Yeah Where you're like, let me get one more like double Makers or whatever Yeah And you choke it down

No, I got that I cracked that code What flavor Old Spice? I don't think there's flavors of deodorant I'll just call you All right call me Oh there it is

Okay I'm fine Found an Apple along the way I see It's an Apple iPhone On July 17th I just said Maybe I'm asking too much from communication

my writing has been weird lately I don't even know how to it's a lot of that in there it's a lot of that in there but yeah just that one last that one last drink yeah no it's never you never needed it especially when it's liquor

because I feel like when you get the one last beer you'll start and then you'll be like I don't even but when it's like one last shot or something like that Then it's like, damn. The one that you can feel in your ziphoid process that just like sticks there and you're like, boy, I really got to. You have to concentrate so hard to calm, to soothe that down into your tummy. The chicken wing night was that night when I got like when that was like popped a blood vessel.

Because I barfed so hard because I like recognized it. I saw it coming. And I was like, no more drinks, no more drinks. You're good. Ride this out. You'll be okay. And for like two hour. Well, maybe not that.

It felt like two hours. But for at least an hour, an hour and a half, I didn't have any drinks. And then they sent one over. And I... Well, tip of the hat, of course. You couldn't give them another... Well, they saw you teetering.

They're like, we're going to end this night. And I took the sip, and, like, the second it hit my tongue, I was like, oh. And I went and, like, had to barf. And I went to barf so hard I burst blood vessels. Yeah. Then we had Roxanne Gay. The podcast the next day. All of the things I text myself now are a book or short story ideas.

Oh, I like that. Yeah. That's way better. Oh, just when you think you understand the world, you find out the name Tiffany is 2,000 years old. That's the thing I've been saying on stage. Exactly. I remember.

Are you like that? Tiffany's two, yeah. Just thinking about... Maybe not 2,000. It's Greek. It comes from Epiphany. Tiffany. It's from the year 900.

Maybe not 2,000 years old. But a thousand years old. That's still 1,100 years old. Yeah. Fuck. That is really good. Tiffany. I didn't know they had malls back then.

But I've worked all that. I've worked that one out. That's the joke. That's what I say. Oh, is it really? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I could write for Fallon.

What are we doing? What else here? Cy, the French resistance, are just so fixated on milled butter? What the fuck? If we're doing it. Last Father's Day, I didn't reach out to anyone, but I found a way to eat three deli sandwiches. That's just a good fact. There are too many things to have opinions on now.

I feel like a man of intelligence should have 20 opinions. UFC dudes need to get paid more. That's not a job we need dudes thinking they can half. All right, that might go in there. I'm not giving away any more free game. Yeah, all right. A lot of these have gone into my act, actually. You know, I have one in here.

This kid, Aaron, farted in sixth grade math class, and I remember it better than 9-11. That's one of it. I really don't. I remember details for days. You remember where you were. You also just gave it. you were wearing.

Mr. Van Bokran's class. He walked by, he dusted, he farted. We all giggling. He sat down. He's like, people fart, and we're like, whatever, dude. It was insane. You thought it was crazy they didn't cancel football practice that day? Why do we still have to go to the rest of class?

People fart. David, it's not for your second pick. People fart. He was so bummed out. Oh, now I'm on these fucking, sorry. Let me go back up to the notes. the notes that are for this oh man

robbing Peter to pay Paul oh yeah it just whatever it is credit card to pay off credit card whatever that just that that action of doing that it just always runs you in a circle and it's like nah that never work

yeah because you start going down the apostles real quick and there's what 12 well actually John John doesn't need the money right now yeah now you're giving Micah money who the fuck is that guy Is Michael one of them? No, no, he's not.

He's a minor prophet in Judaism. Micah is? Who are the prophets? For Michael. What are prophets names? Nause. Tupac. Marshall.

Kid Rock. I don't know. Paul, Peter. Oh, the Apostles? The Apostles, yeah. Oh, John the Apostle. Hunter. Simon the Zealot.

Guy Fieri. Guy Fieri, for sure. I like how Isaac said his name the right way and you didn't It is Fietti You're going to Italy man You got to, yes, learn all You're going to have to know how to say his name Are you doing a show on that Friday night?

It's going to come up Excuse me, Mr. Harper How do you say guy I think he just let you in? Fox Fox, Guy Fox Alex Is Robin Peter to pay Paul from the Bible? No, no

Okay Well, fuck then Well fuck I like I remember hearing it as a kid and then like real i've really taken it to heart because it just doesn't no it's it's great wisdom yeah it really doesn't it always comes back to bite you in the ass in the end yeah it feels like it feels like that like uh like something you heard from like the first smart guy you knew

who sold weed yeah yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean like the smart guy who doesn't like he's just talking about two other weed dealers name peter and paul though i i put it in the same vein as like if somebody told me this when i was really young some guy who sold weed and i still think about like I act that way it's like if I can't buy it twice I don't buy it once that's smart wow same thing you know what sometimes see I don't fucking

told me that Nick Salazar told me that when we were like 15 and look at him now and you remain a fountain of knowledge yeah he's the man Salazar's on top of his shit that's true he has a very successful thing he has a roofing company yeah yeah yeah literally on top of his shit and everyone someone could be on top of the shit and everyone someone could be on top of that

yeah he told me that when we were kids there's bad and oh sorry you were just talking. Lusely, you're right, I was. Thank you for recognizing. You're welcome. Lusely, and this is that math where I will do the, like, well, I didn't spend this hundred there where I normally do, so now I have a hundred extra dollars. We're back in Vegas.

Yes, it's that same Peter Paul stuff, but Peter and Paul are like, we never got the money, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now you're double broke. Yeah. All it came out of it was I had to do a Yeager bomb. If they would bring me one, Zach. never robbed Peter to pay Paul is also advice that can't go wrong really you know what I mean

whereas like you have to spend money to make money is true yeah can go wrong right right right right right right really that but Peter to pay Paul it's like very standard yeah it feels like a Bible kind of does so the Wikipedia page says it dates back to at least 1380 that's almost as old as the name Tiffany I think we're right yeah Greek Yeah, yeah. But it says, oh, okay, it says it in the end. I thought we were done with the riff. You said, yeah, yeah, you guys.

Finish your fucking riff. Children behave. That's what's originated in the middle ages in middle English as a collocation of common names, similar to, for example, Tom Dick and Harry. Oh. Running just as fast as we can. Holding on to one another's hand Trying to get away into the night And then you put your arms around me

And we tumble to the ground and then we say I think we're alone now Doesn't seem to be anyone around I think we're alone now My name is kids I still like that song It's good. Under the one time.

Yeah. Oh, that song sucks. You know what's funny about, I think we're alone now? Ghosts. Ghosts. No, this is, I was realizing this recently. Some of the way I remember songs, I remember, I think we're alone now from my mom singing it. Yeah.

So in my head, it's sung as a woman with a first generation African accent. Sure. Like, I just like, like, I hear my mom singing. That's very funny. Anyways, Robin Peter to pay Paul Yeah, great Yeah, that's good Harper, time for your second and third picks

Talking to someone without telling them They're on speakerphone Oh, yeah You know what that reminds me If I was thinking about this the other day Do you remember when three-way came out And girls would try to jump you? Absolutely

You know what I mean? Are you talking like three-way cell phone calls? I remember party line Where like people would call in with people on a phone and you just wouldn't know someone else was listening. Yeah, and it would be like two girls from your class and it would be like

what do you think of Maya? You'd be like, Maya's cool and she'd be like, oh cool because Maya's on the phone and you'd be like, listen. You never had that happen? I wasn't knocking to one girl. I started, you know what's crazy?

I started talking to girls on the phone early. Yeah. I wasn't converting it to anything. Right. But I was talking to girls on the phone regularly like fifth, sixth grade. That was important practice, I think. That was, like, good.

I never even was good. Yeah, no, I, really early. I was like, we would do it for hours. Like, after the skating rink, we would, I mean, like, fall asleep on the phone. Well, yeah, and then in high school, in junior high, high school, because I went to so many schools, but, like, junior high school, there would be, sometimes it would be like a night where, yeah, like hours where it's like. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then like, you weren't even saying anything. And it would be like, do you want to talk to Aaron?

And you'd be like, oh, I don't really know her that well. And then you would talk to her and then you would not talk to her at school. Yeah. But you guys talked for 10 minutes. Well, she was hanging out at her friend's house and you were hanging out at your friend's house. Wild. I would play massively multiplayer online role-playing games. Ultimate online.

Yeah. Oh, it's so funny. You had like a cockney accent, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. My character's name was Tony Montana or Antonio Montana, which is the name of the guy from Scarface. Did you not know that? No, I did. I named him after that.

But then I was like, oh, it's a role-playing game. And without changing my character's name, I was, like, role-playing as this, like, Ranger who was with a cockney accent. And people were like, hey, are you named after the Scarface guy? And I was like, no. I didn't know. I didn't know.

I was like 10. No, I was like 12. Oh, okay. Yeah, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16. So you're 56th grade doing this. You're playing Ultima Online. You're wearing rollerblades. after the skating rink.

I was at, I thought I was a Crip at this point in time. Yeah, you were the rollerblades with a rollerblades. I was ditched at school, but I wasn't a big rollerblader. Wasn't a big rollerblader. He loved rollerblades. At this point, I had seen so many guns in school, uh, was on the precipice of having sex.

A few pubs. God, that's so gnarly. Precipice. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, I remember that like the mean girls stuff, like they do in mean girls where they had to trap each other on party line. We would do that all the time. We're like,

people would call you, I got this where like, it's crazy. But girls would call me and threaten me with like the tough kid on the phone. You know, like Jared, Jared, whatever, you know, Jared's going to come fuck you up after school and whatever. And I'd be like,

well, to catch me being like, whatever, Jared could try it. And then Jared would be like, all right, I'll see you and I'm like, God damn it. That's like such an early back door. Yeah, man. You know what's crazy? Some of those girls still doing that to this This kid, Jared, right? So it's a version of that. So, like, this girl called me

and she's like, she was mad at me and she goes, Jared's coming over. He's going to fuck you up. Why would she be mad at you? Like, because you play games with her heart? I broke up with her and I was like going steady with another girl. Yeah, I was playing games with her heart.

You were playing games with her heart? Well, yeah, why I did. With her heart. So she calls, she said, Jared's coming over. He's going to beat the shit out of you. And I started crying. I was 11 or something. Whatever.

And I'm like, all right. tell him I'll see him outside. I stood outside for hours. He never showed up. So at the end of it, I'm like, well, how tough could Jared really? Like, I started crying. I was crying. I mean, did he even know that was happening? Maybe not. He also had a broken wrist. I remember that too. He had a cast on at school. Still would have worked me. But I do remember being proud of myself, like going outside, standing there, waiting to get my ass kicked for hours. And he just, and he never showed up. Did you have anybody with you? Was like Smith there or anybody? No. I was by myself crying.

sometimes outside of our apartment building my mom my mom probably had a pretty solid eye on what I was doing by the way like she was probably watching he's down there crying again I'm just imagining you

probably because they had Sean's doing some of his day cries fist balled up but wiping your eyes just I'm ready for I saw the last one on the beach I'll do what I got to do I'm afraid, but I'm here.

You forget about those things until they just come up like this. It was such a huge memory from you that night of waiting for that guy just to come beat me up. Man. How many guys, this is a fair question, I think, for you, at least, Sean. How many guys do you think you've waited for to come beat you up or to get? I feel like in my- I mean, I can immediately think of five. I could think of like three pretty big ones.

One time. Oh, man. What a fucking fool. Johnny's big brother, I got off work, and I went to McDonald's, and he was there. And I was like, what are you doing here? And he's like, man, these guys said they're going to come here and jump me. Will you stay here with me? And then I just did.

Yeah. I just did. No idea how many got, how many got, or like, I just think about parties where it's like, so-and-so's coming. And then you're just like, I don't know. But it speaks to your character because it's stupid, right? Ill-advised, ill-advised. But you want to help your friends.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the reason the one time I got like really beat up was one of the times. But my buddy came over to get me. I've told you guys this story. He comes over to my house. He's like, hey, these kids want to fight us. And I'm like, how could they want to fight us? I'm just sitting here, you know?

Like, I wasn't with you. We go back to the park. He leaves. And then I had to fight some kid. Just because I was trying to go back there and make him not feel, I guess, like a coward, you know? Yeah. Well, because for me, it's always like that thing of like, oh, these guys are kind. And I'm like, I'm going to fuck.

And then, like, maybe three minutes later, I'm like, I should have left. Yeah. This sucks, man. This is going to be terrible. Every time I gave a fuck. Yeah. Every time. Even that time, I was like, dude, I just got to fucking work.

I don't want to get my ass kicked. At that point, I'm dying for the cops to break up the party. I'm like, please come break this up. If these dudes are going to come home, someone should do something. We're not supposed to be drinking in here. We're supposed to be fucking drinking in here. The amount of times I wanted to be like, well, somebody please. call an adult and just get them here

so everyone else stops and I don't have to try to act like I think it's cool. You just announced to the party guys I don't know if you know this we're all underage we should really stop and think about this but yeah talking to somebody that it's they don't know it's a speaker phone or it's nasty it's nasty work

too but then you also get in trouble if you do say hey you're on speakerphone because then the person you're with is like why did you have to tell I did just take a call on speakerphone last episode but that was kind of but I think it's But, yeah, but that was funny. But, like, I think it's common courtesy to say this. I think, yeah, I don't think anyone should be.

Yeah, hey, I'm here with blah, blah, blah. That's all you got to do, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not like, like if a girl called me and Laura's in the car and I'm like, hey, what's up? You're on speaker phone with my wife. That would sound suspect if I said with my wife. Well, that's what I'm saying.

Like, that's the only time it seems suspect if you're doing that. Keep the mouth talk to a minimum. Let your body talk like you normally do. Before Harper's next. We're going to take another short break right here on All Fantasy Everything. And we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. It's time for your third pick in the Bad Ideas draft.

You know, it's been a while. Let me see what Kanye's up to. Never goes well. I'm always like, maybe he chilled. That's not writing. That's never coming back. It hasn't worked well in a while. Yeah, I don't think it is.

Yeah, no, not at all. Right? It's really tough, man. I feel like a lot of people try to play revisionist history. Like he didn't. For sure, yeah. Like now? Yeah.

Where people are like, I've even, I've had people come up, oh man, you guys did that Kanye dress. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. We all, everyone loved him. Yeah. He has a mental illness. And if you never, everybody has that person.

And if you're, if you don't, you're lying because of the internet. I, you know what I mean? It's probably your uncle or some weird shit. Yeah, yeah. Someone even closer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like people love to do that shit. I fucking hate it.

It is so obnoxious when somebody like, when you find out they did X, Y, Z. Right. And then people are like, I never liked him anyway. Well, fucking congratulations. It doesn't fucking mean anything. You were like, I don't like Kanye's music because one day I think he's going to make a song called Hyle Hitler. You know what I mean? Or any of that shit.

You're like, I never liked put anyone in there. Well, I think we also see that a lot because comedians are fucking losers. Big time. Well, that happens. Comed comedians are like really the worst group of people about that. I never liked Woody Allen movies. Well, fucking, that's stupid because they're great. Or anything.

It's just anything. It's like, what do you talk? You didn't. That'll happen with sports too where I can be like, oh, I really like this player. And then years later, something bad happens. Yeah. Like, oh, you still like that player? Like, obviously things have changed.

Right. Obviously. I still love Carl Malone. I'm not going to say Dark Twisive fantasy isn't incredible It's a masterbip I will listen to that

in front of my rabbi right now It's so I like I don't know I've also That's the intro to rabbi cop It kills him And then he has to be put back together Your rabbi is Adam from the Beastie Boys

It's Adam from the Beastie Boys I have made a decision in my life And you don't have to make this decision but I have made a pretty hard line separate the art from the artist's decision in my life I just I'm like I can't keep a moral hard line

and there are certain people who do things that are so odious that I can't because then I will think of it when I listen to the music but there are other people where I'm just like if I keep a moral hard line with all art then I'm going to have to start pitching out stuff that really means a lot to me and it doesn't mean a lot because

John like it doesn't mean a lot because John Lennon hit his wife. It means a lot because there are Beatles songs that are so intrinsic to my existence, right? Yeah. And if I start pitching out everybody because of that shit, then I'm not going to be able to, like, engage with culture

that means a lot to me. Also, artists, have you met artists? Yes. I mean, this is not the moral, like, not an issue you have. Yeah, I don't like, I don't like it when people play those games

because it becomes this thing. It's like, you don't allow for any humanity. And it's like, so your whole thing is curated by who's a good person. What are we doing? You fucking politicians. You have an iPhone. Where do you draw the law? You know what I mean?

You live in America. Yeah, bro. It's puritanism. Do you think it's... Which, it's funny because it always comes back to... I think about that a lot, especially with internet culture and, like, how everybody's so obsessed with sex in like even a positive way where you're like, it's always been that. It's always been that.

It's always been this weird sex of sex. pure. There's a really interesting book called... Now we're getting into another level of podcast. I know. Now we are going to do it the other podcast. But there is a very interesting book called... I hope they sort of bear in hell. No.

Unfortunately, I've read it. There's a really interesting book called. I think it's called American Nations. But it's really... It talks about kind of like how America was founded by like the different groups. Well, you look that up and tell me if that's the... Yeah. It's like a map of America's the cover of it. Colin Woodard?

I think so. Wait, but keep talking about this book because I have a funny anecdote about this book. It gets into like the different groups that like kind of founded America at different parts where it's like the people who founded, like New England were Puritans, right? And then that became like and who are very community oriented, which, you know, like, and they're still very community oriented, but they're also puritanical, right? And then that sort of became the ethos. of that area and those people like are the people who came out to the west coast as well like San Francisco and all that which kind of this person's theory is that kind of explains how within liberal circles we are community more community oriented but also kind of puritanical

yeah no I uh I uh you gave me a loose breakdown of that and I use that to tell other people I'm smart all the time what does puritanical mean sexy sexy well you are very very very Cartanical. Good job. It's a good book. It's worth a read. It's like an interesting theory. When you told me, I didn't even know the name. Yeah.

So when I've done it, I've been like, I was reading something. I can't. I was reading something. I don't know. I don't know. It might have been in the Times or something like that. It also was about. What is the name of it, though?

American Nations. American Nations. American Nations. Do you think the thing with Kanye with you is some of the humanity that he's talking about of like it is a mental illness. I think so. Like I do think that I like I'm not like I have taken those songs out of my rotation because I'm a good person.

Yeah. Of course. Hero ally. Yeah, I'm a hero. I'm an ally. But I do one, but there is part of me that's like, yes, dude's like, like you can tell. Like it's all, he's very open about it.

There's been a lot of open. And then it makes me wonder like not, not am I making like a weird decision, but it does make me wonder like, I don't really know what to do with this. So for me, it's easier to just shut it all out. Sure, sure. But I'm not saying it's the right decision. Oh, for sure. Yeah.

Yeah, it's like, yeah. It's like that, yeah. There's also those people who are like, oh, my friend is bipolar and he doesn't say the stuff about Jews. It's like, well, okay. That's, it affects different people in different ways and like, and he's had experience. Like, it's just, I don't know. It's ultimately, I'm like, I'm all good.

I want it, but I do understand that aspect of it in some level of like, I don't give him money anymore I don't know it's just a personal I'm not I'm not kidding for him I don't think he's I don't think it's a heroic thing

I'm not on Instagram threads being like I fucking everything I can support him I'm not I can see that this man is like but like to not enjoy the thing that he did

at the time that he did it and it's like it feels like very dishonest and like you said puritanical it is puritanic and it just meant so much to me too

it would be really hard to just and I'd be lying if I said it didn't. It's a bummer to check it out now, though. Yeah, man. Every time you check in. Well, yeah, the new stuff, but even just anything of like...

Just what he's up to. All right. Maybe I'll go check and see what he did on Twitter. I'll check what, like, oh, no, this still sucks. He's just so he can't see the show or anymore, you know, it feels like. But like, then it's also easy to be like, oh, I don't, like, Bill Cosby stuff, right? It never meant that much to me. So it's kind of easy to not engage with it.

Dude, to me, I watch the shit out of that show. I watch the shit out of that show. You never really I never really watched it Well you were on Ultima I was on Amazon You were talking about girls watching Cosmic I was in Scarabray dude

I was in Scarabray dude Hello But that's like an easy I still watch Woody Allen movies though Because that's what I mean is everybody has that Everybody has that stuff So I feel like especially on the internet It becomes so black and white

Of you coming at me for this thing I don't know what's in your kitchen bro Right right You don't know what I mean I don't know the people you text are talk to you. But I don't think that I think it's about to come. If your full roster has no bad guys in it, I don't believe

you. It's kind of weird. I don't believe you have a family, you have like I don't, that doesn't make any sense. I'm not saying these are people you're friends, but like I think you probably excuse some things. I think so too. Yeah. And it's just you, it means something to you so you excuse it. Yeah. And is there no art for

redemption or whatever? Yeah. If he comes back and announces everything now, are you going to go back on threads? Right. I say threads because I downloaded three, he downloaded threads? I was going to say, what are you talking about? Every time I get on there, I'm like, this is for losers.

Dude, it's pretty bad. I fucking hate it. It's pretty bad. I haven't been on threads. I check in every one. It's the only fun one. It's like a lot of a comedian screaming into the void for the, it's a bummer. David,

I think that's your threads, though, because you're friends with a lot of comedians. Yeah, probably. What I'm saying is I kind of hate comedians. My blue sky's fun because it's all Blazers and jazz. Not the Utah Sounds like it's a closet If I was right next to you bud I thought it was funny

I on your Gap shirt thing today I thought you're doing an air five to him Oh no Oh You meant to do a real five to you How does this make you feel? Confused Dana got me a blazer for my birthday

A couple years ago And it hadn't fit until Today I tried it on It fits perfectly A couple years ago She just hands you a medium blazer She's like Make it happen

Make your work. Clean your shit up. Five years or it's a divorce. You can hold yourself. I can plan, bud. You can wear this to a vow renewal or a divorce. I love the idea of getting dressed for a divorce. Tuxedo? Yeah.

You don't have to rent a tuxedo. For the Emmys? For the Emmys. You don't own a tuxedo? I would think you would own a tuxedo. No, you think with as many Emmys as I've been to. No, but various sizes throughout those out. I do think that, though.

Because you go pretty much every year, right? it's been a minute oh really it's been since the late late show was on there okay um david time for your third pick oh

what are you gonna say I've never been to the Emmys no one's ever brought me along we'll go tonight a little bar down there in Korea town called the Emmys that's where we're going to dinner this girl's house Emmy I know

karaoke all right you're funny if I brought you to the Emmys would be fucking hilarious would you have rented a tuxedo just me and my buddy Sean I'd buy a tuck What's a tuxedo? A couple racks? I don't know.

I don't know. You'd probably get one cheaper. I bet it's a rat. You could get like an Indochino one or something. You can't get a suit for six honey. Last? Not mine. All right.

That's just a cravat. You could get like a cheap, like a bad tuxedo for $200,300. Like a dumb and dumber one? Like a Lloyd Christmas. This is like an easy one, but like going against your gut. Oh, yeah. When you have a gut feeling, like, because it's not always so pronounced. I feel like sometimes something's happening.

I already took getting back together. That's going for the gut. That's going for damn guts. Yeah, just like sometimes you, because sometimes it's a really pronounced feeling and you do it anyways. Yeah. And that shit don't never go your way. And then you feel even dumber. Yeah, yeah.

Because you're like, I fucking knew I shouldn't have been over here. Or whatever it is. Or whatever it is. Or I shouldn't have bought that or I shouldn't have done that. Yeah, yeah. I shouldn't have been fucking with that person. Yeah. You know, whatever.

Trying to think the last thing. I'll tell you the gut thing was, I was, well, I can't say it on here. But that story I was, I can't talk about it. But it was the thing at the airport. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think I've told you yet. I'll tell you a dinner.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That suitcase with a kilo blowing it. I had to see. And I was like, I shouldn't have checked it. I haven't seen a drug dog. They say they're bomb. sniffing dogs. Okay, so there's a weird.

I don't, every now and again, when I'm going through security, I'm like, there can be drugs in there? I could have drugs on me. What, you know, what would the big deal be? What would the big deal be? Like, why would they make a big deal out of this? Like, how would I get caught? That's the thing. Not why would I think we can all agree.

TSA is not great at catching drugs. No, we've all had so accident. But they'll check my microphone every fucking time. They have been doing that to me the last few times. Microphone every single, every single. And they hold it up like it's a dildo. Yeah. And you make me look like an asshole.

It's always like, what is this? Where you put this? Yeah. Okay. Is this for sucking or fucking? Yeah, microphone every single time. But it's only started recently for me. It's been like the last...

And it's only at LAX. Well, you record with the cartoons that's like a dynamite. I do. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. The last few times, because I have a shotgun mic, and like the last few times I've flown. It's always when I'm running late or some shit. Yeah.

Where it's like they, I almost miss my flight. out of LAX LASA. And I hate it when they do that and they're like, what is this? And you're like, it's a microphone. They're like, it is a microphone and you're like, it is a microphone and you're like. Yeah. And they're like, we got to run it back through. It was like nothing's changed since you ran it through the first time. Still a microphone. Yeah. When did you catch a bomb?

Just fucking tell me one time and I won't be so angry. Did any of you watch that Taryn Edgerton joint, the one, the PSA for the TSA? No. The, the, the, it's like die hard at the airport. It's like Die Hard at the airport. It's like Die Hard 2. You know I'm talking about from like a year ago It's a holiday movie

Was Jason Bateman in it? Yes He's the villain I didn't see it But I know what you're talking about It's it It's supposed to be at LAX And they make the TSA look like

They're just They just love their job They make LAX look so fun And cool and laid back Every now and then You do meet some TSA people Who are in a good move Every now and then

Just got a job Shout out Bubba He's cool Every now and then I will say There does not seem to really Be a common rule book Between the TSAs anymore

Or even been the T.S, the different days at the TSA you go to. No, different. I think we all fly. Completely different kingdoms. It's great. Well, they're like, okay, I'm pre-checked,

but I do have to take my laptop out. You know what I mean? Or it's like, I can't wear a jacket, or I can't wear a jacket. There's all these different hats. It's very. You're going to check my ID or you're going to need a boarding pass as well? I think there would be a one, one law for the land. And now it's like whatever line you're in.

Yeah. You know what I mean? What's the difference between clear? I got pre-john. I don't even. no anymore. I got the facial recognition on Delta. That's actually very quick.

I love that. Oh, he's like being on the grid, huh? I'm on the grid. I know you're joking. My take is, they got me anyway. I might as well read. Well, yeah, they got me dead to rights. That's my whole thing. Like, if they can read my emails, read them. I'm not talking about anything crazy. Let me benefit from it.

Give me 200 more dollars than you were going to. That's all they're going to find out. Fork it over. You know what's nice? That global entry. I don't have that. I don't even know how that works. I don't understand.

You literally just walk up. They scan your face. You walk through. That's the customs. It takes five seconds. You're on the super grid. I don't have the country enough for that. I am the grid.

You are the grid. Yeah. I am the brute squad. Sean, time for your third pick? Buffet. Whoa. I don't agree with you. Whoa.

I don't even want to write it down on my computer. That is upsetting. How are you against a buffet? Because he's getting six rounds of jello like a fucking eight-year-old. I just don't think they're ever a good idea. Fogga de Chow getting a baseball steak. Order it off the menu at Foglerichita. What are you talking about?

I just remembered you ordered a potato for your meal at the Golden Steer. Yeah, at Ian's bachelor's party. I will say that that turned out to be a move of wisdom. I did get to benefit from everybody. That's true. I just don't think buffet is. I'm always, I'm always too full. I can't, I can't stop at a buffet.

In Vegas, the last time I was at a buffet was the Vegas buffet in the morning. And I went nuts. It was. I'm not saying it's not that. I'm just saying, you go back to your room for an hour and then you're all right. No, it's, it gums up the work too much. I don't know. I don't need that much food.

You eat too much in Vegas and you can't drink as much as you want. That's, that's part of the deal. That is part of it. That is not, how did that, how is that? not part of what I'm saying. Where else are you going to buffets? You said, you said buffets. You said one word.

You said buffets suck. When was last time you were at a buffet that wasn't in Las Vegas? Went to Golden Corral about a year ago. I was at a wedding. Did you leave and think it was an amazing idea? Yeah, we had fun. It was me. We did a double date.

Me and Alana and so familiar. See, I don't do that shit. Well, I don't go on dates with my wife. Yeah, I don't know what to tell you, man. I go alone. Oh, give a shit. That's the difference between me and you do And like a number of bank accounts

Five bank accounts No I just I always I gorge myself Maybe it's a me thing but I just I eat too much I'm gorge myself too but that's the point It's like it's it is when it goes bad it goes bad A Chinese food buffet fucking rules man Chats a Super Panda in Highland Park Yeah we had the China buffet in Sioux Falls

We'd skate all day And then we'd just go eat it was like eight bucks Which we thought was too much by the way but I'm not 16 anymore Sweet tomatoes I know You introduced me to it Do they still have Zupas?

I don't know I never went to Zupa They don't have sweet tomatoes anymore I wish they did No they sure don't Soup plantation They're in here That was the one by the crib

Weird yeah Terrible man There's a chickfilet over there now Really? Yeah All right Closed yesterday Today

Today is Sunday Yeah Anyway Cuffez I think they're a bad idea I'm not writing it down I don't like that I wrote an aster I usually think

you get too much flack for some of your picks. I've been thinking that too late. I love a bean burrito no onions from Taco Bell. That's not... Everybody does. Onions are terrible. No, no, no.

I like the onions, too, but I think sometimes I think sometimes... Literally a beloved food worldwide. I play up a lot of the flack. I will say that for entertainment purposes. This one? No, this is a bad pick.

Bad pick. And you're a bad guy. I just... I just throw it in Mount Doom. Go. Let's go to the comedy store, boys. If you're listening and watching at home, go comment on Isaac's Instagram

how bad of an idea this is for Sean. How much you think a big old head of lettuce used to cost? On the scale of $1 to $10. When was the last time you think the dome light got turned on for less than five? For my third pick? Hmm. Are I going to suck?

Buffet's gone. Taking buffets on a draft? I'm going to take not hiring a professional to do something. Ooh. Like maybe like a fix-it, When you had the dough Around the house Sometimes you have to do some shit

But if you had the dough And you didn't do it If you got the dough And you think you're gonna get by On like a YouTube video And a visit to Home Depot Now maybe I bet there's people listening to this

Who are like very handy Yeah You know When it gets to electrical stuff You don't Fuck no I changed the taillight the other day And I was

I mean 30 feet tall I walked in like Paul Bunyan I told Laura I was like I did it No worry about it Yeah. It's either me or her. But yeah.

What's your, where's your limit? I'll clean the gutters. I don't do that. Dana does it. Arthur does it. Dana's holding Arthur on the ladder. It's got to learn.

I'll mow the yard. It's not a ladder for the gutters. I think if I got to use like a power tool in a real way. Oh. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's where I'm kind of like, yeah. Yeah, get me away from the garbage disposal.

I'll use a drill. But like a saw or something. Yeah. Yeah. If I got to use a. saws all or some shit, I'm not. I'm not even trying to hang shelves. Dana did that.

Dana hung shelves in her house because I was like, I'll call someone. She's like, I can do it. She did it. It looks good. I don't trust myself. I'll help you. Of course, if you can delegate me some duties, but I'm not going to take the reins. I would do the same thing.

Can I tell you? I'm stressing because all our shit's coming in the morning. I got to hang that TV. Call someone, dude. You need some help with that, buddy. Yeah, you, I mean, I can help you, but. One a.m. tonight. We got it.

Yeah. Well, I just need to put the bracket up. Yeah. All the shit's on the back of the TV. It's just the bracket I have with the shit. Then you've got to level it. You got to level it and you've got to find the studs. And I don't have a stud finder.

Yeah, you do. Your eyes, baby, right over here. Come on. Come on. What are we doing? Come on. This is a good old-fashioned joke. It's just finding the stud is that I'm worried about.

Stud McKenzie over here. I wouldn't worry about it. I wouldn't worry about it. Got a couple right here in front of you. Right over here. We're going to run it back? A couple stud. We got the stud muffins playboy

All right We hung this big like cupboard You guys offered me a stud finder for real I don't have one I don't have one actually Can I have it? Yeah yeah Just open your eyes and get

We're right here And go to Home Depot And ask somebody where the stud finders at Because it's like all the hard work is done I do just have to find the studs Yeah If you go to Home Depot and ask for a stud finder They'll show you the all fantasy everything down there's

I don't even think I super gotta find a stud You don't you do it by like knocking. I'll tell you what you can find is a guy who will come do it for less than $100. I bet. You sure can. Free 99. Especially here. So when I flattened Zach's tire,

I just typed in tire change or something, LA, and a dude was there $75 later. You looked up how to flatten his tire? Now I'll change it. No, I got his, I was driving in, he got a flat tire. I got a flat tire in his car while I was driving. He had to go to the airport, so then we pulled over in Chinatown. I was going to change it, didn't have the tools, and then

I told you that and then somebody came to while I was rooting around though somebody threw a cup of ice at me and called me the F word I was like damn it wasn't one of those ones where you're like damn that was kind of funny

I did chuckle somebody yelled at me on the street the other day and I didn't hear like two days ago I was walking the dog and I didn't hear it but I heard the tone and I was like fuck you probably fucking got God got me killed me shit

he just got out on my own blog oh yeah Some dude gave me the finger Out of the passenger side of a car the other day It was funny When the passenger is doing it Like driving a double It was a double bird

And he's just staring me down Did you deserve it? No, I hadn't done anything I was even funnier What? Yeah What are you doing for? You just

Just to be silly Him and his friend were being silly guys A couple young boys Yeah Yeah, we used to say We used to yell Oh yeah We used to call

I yelled at that guy with you Do you remember when we had Canadian in the car And I would pull up on people Yep And then blast the Star Wars theme And drive away? That's fine.

We were doing that all through Northwest one day, and we got Kyle. First time I ever saw him get got, where he's like, he got me. He brought it up the other day at the mall. Hey, he, okay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, because it starts out so big. The other day, I hit him up. I'm like, hey, man, you want to kick it, whatever?

So we go grab lunch, and then he's like, what do you want to do? And I go, I'm doing a little shopping. Let's go to the Vancouver Mall. No intention on buying anything. So we drove to the Vancouver Mall. We get there, and he's like, this sucks. You buying anything? I'm like, I just kind of wanted to walk around the mall.

he was so he's like what we drove a half hour to get here yeah to Vancouver no less well we'd been to the other ones we went to Washington Square the day earlier Wasqua yeah we went to Wasqua earlier I'm laughing because we've been

I've been there with Sean a lot of times I love the mall We've gone real far We can go to the mall tomorrow if you want We drove hours to go to the mall When David I didn't have jobs We didn't have jobs at the Gucci store What I don't even I still don't know

What mall that was Do you want to go to the mall tomorrow? Yeah I'd go to the mall tomorrow Guys I want to go I got these Russian guys. Oh, you're going on Tuesday? Yeah. Yeah.

Unless you're done with the Russian guys in time. I'll probably be done. You heard him. He claimed it's going to be 30 minutes. Could it be after two? Yeah. I'll tell you what. High 6 is going to miss his dinner res if we don't.

Oh, we're going to almost our dinner res if we don't get our ass on it. My fourth pick, wearing nice shoes for the first time to an event. Bad idea. Bad idea. Oh, you haven't broken a man. You haven't broken them in yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're like...

I did that to your wedding. See, it'll get you every time. She doesn't wear them around the house. Yeah. Why I owned them for an hour. Yeah. Oh, there you go. Yeah, my Stacey Adams.

I broke them in. You got to broke those bad boys. Worm around the house naked for a few weeks. Absolutely. You got to break those bad boys in. Otherwise, you're going to be on the dance floor with those digging into your heel. That next day was rough for me. I have a sticker made of me wearing...

I'm wearing shorts and I'm testing. out my my goods shoes where is it on there oh yeah yeah there it is yes because you just got it I just got to do it you gotta wear them around the house do yourself the favor throw them on

sweet potato that looks like ass I like that very nice yams butt cheek yams there it is because that's what yams means right am I'm right about that I think you wanted like a handshake or a nap or something

say less brother Yeah, I'm his brother I'll see you on the field Yeah, I'm his brother Yeah, wearing nice shoots For the first time to an event We don't have to talk about it all that much But it is a great pick

And everybody loved it Sean, time for your fourth pick Getting in a fight Yeah It's never I've never I've been in a handful And I've been in more scrapes

Than fights Been in more scupples Than scrapes Fights How many Donnie Brooks have you been in? Oh, he's been a lot of times Yeah, I was thinking of rouse Yeah

What is a Donnybrook? Feels like a melee. Oh, that's where fists are flying. I've been in one melee, I would say. Quite the don'ty brook. I've been in a lot of kerfuffles, I think. Herfuffle is pretty cute. Even I've been in a kerfuffle, I think.

But the fights, I've never once been like, yeah, goddamn right. No, even if you come out on top. No, it's always sucks. I always regret it. I always feel stupid. Yeah, you always want to cry. You're like, you're like, that was so dumb. And again, not a lot, but enough to where I'm like, that was just all.

Or like even getting close to a fight where you're like, what am I doing? Would you like some grapes? No, wait. I'll extend that all the way to any altercation. Like, any time. That's where I'm going to eat in Denver. Yes. I mean, I felt great about it.

But I also felt stupid about it. I don't think you played it bad, though. Huh? I was there. I didn't. That guy was fucking. He was a prick. Being a prick.

Yeah, he's being a prick. I've gotten in a few. airplanes where I'm right. I do like that. But I still am not happy about it though. I'm still like what good did that do? They're not different. They didn't change. Yeah. They didn't make it didn't set in like it's just them. Now they're going to go be negative to someone else and it's like this waterfall. But sometimes it is just like yeah but fuck you. But people got to know. Yeah. You know what I mean where it's like yeah but you don't get to play me like that. Right. Just because you're a shithead doesn't. Right. You know what I mean? Like I was trying to stomp around and like

and be shitty and he was trying to, he was really trying to gatekeep that neighborhood. Yes, he was. Which is a neighborhood that's being gentrified. There's a bunch of people doing shitty shit like that. Yeah. On that block all the time who've been there for a year. It's just like, it was like, it's like a lot of shit.

And he's one of them. Yeah, and he's one of them. You know what I mean? It's a vague memory. I left a scooter too close to a, uh, driveway. We didn't. He didn't. He didn't.

Several feet. The funniest one for me was on the 405. months and months and months ago where I was trying to get over the guy sped up so I honked at him he flipped me off I flipped him off and then he mined shooting me

sure he did this that sucks though but then was it intimidating no because that was it kind of freak it was he and I wave but then the dumb part about it was we were in traffic next to each other for the next like 20 minutes

that's always a bummer but no then it was funny to me Because then I'm like, all right, well, you're going to mime shooting me again? Then I just kept looking over. Reloading. Yeah, did he do it hard? Was he like... He never looked at me again.

He went like this. It was like a very emphatic, yeah. What a goof. And then we're just next to each other. I'm like, what are we doing? Yeah. I feel like you almost got to like let traffic shit ride in a way where it's like, everybody, we're all being an answer. Everyone's upset.

That just happened when we were pulling in. Yeah. Some guy flipped off, but I was like, you're not. you were having a kid back there really she really feels in the wrong yeah yeah so the guy drives by and flips it off it's like ah fuck you too so be it yeah charge it to the game it tempers this when there's a kid back there because she gets scared if i get mad maxian gets scared yeah and so i just don't anymore i get mad i get mad huh i said i miss max yeah she's my daughter brother imagine how i feel she's my daughter brother i want to sound like a she's my brother

I want to sound like a pussy here, but I really miss her. You know, sorry if that makes me a mark or a coward, but I miss my daughter. Sorry if that makes me a hero. I did have a conversation about how it's fun to hang out with Max like two days ago because Adam's going to meet Max and he's like, I can't believe I've never met Max. I was like, oh, she's fun. It's like a good time. She's a lot of them.

She's great. David, your fourth pick. Oh, saving money on toilet trees. Oh, dude. What a great thing. Yes. Like, cut it somewhere else out the bus. budget, just get the good lotion

in the toothpaste if you can. Get the good toilet paper. Good toilet paper. Oh, that's not toilet paper. All that shit. Get you saw some Kleenex. Oh, that's some Kleenex. Get a flushable wipe.

Yes. That toilet paper that's like rice paper that you can see through, what are we doing? Well, we're making paper mache maps at my house. I guess I'm just a little more. I forgot about paper machine than you. More like pooper machet, this guy. I do pooping at first.

It's full of poop. Human poop. Arthur, this is a big old chunk of poop. Adult human poops. See what you can mold it into. Yeah, you're right. That's a great thing. Absolutely.

Yeah, that's a phenomenal thing. It's a wonderful thing. Also, a lot of it lasts longer than you think it's going to. Yeah. Oh, man. So it seems like a bill up front, but it's actually not. Yeah, yeah. And like bad soap, it just, or a bad body wash.

Yeah. It's just like, you just have it for it. You can, like, feel the lotion on it sometimes. You can, like, oh, man. Or you can feel your, you can feel your, your finger. Well, that's bad. Yeah, that's a bummer.

That's a bummer one. Unless you're at that kind of token. Harper. Which, nope. That's all right. Harper, time for your fourth and then your final pick. We'll do a lightning round so we can make our dinner reservation. Yeah.

And because we've been on for long enough. Over two hours. Yeah. What? No. Really? Two hours and ten minutes-ish. Yeah, we had two long ones today.

All fantasy. Everything. How? It's fun, though. Yeah, that's how. This is a quote I made up. wild oh did you i should get in a rap beef and the quote is by drake

when is it worked out for him what i don't think he lost that first pusha one like i think he lost but like i think he lost in the in the zeitgeist but he in like the old dudes who like rap zite guys i feel like the people who like drake he put out that degrassy video and everything was like you know you're never gonna you're never going to

but did it do any good for him it didn't do any good for him? I don't remember any blows he landed on push a tee right no no no the Kendrick one does seem to actually he's taken some damage he's really look goofy ever since

he's been really he's been pretty silly every time I see a video of him I'm like man it's made me so happy I don't ever feel this way about people do what you do yeah but sometimes when I see him I'm like this guy is he really winning that much money

like he'll put up those post where he's in his own casino in a stadium and he wins two million dollars. He's in it. He's like got a deal. He's like must be an investor in whatever that gambling company. Yeah. And it would lead you to believe that he's winning multiple bets that are millions of dollars. What he loses.

Yeah. So I'm sure he happens every now and then and I bet he has some kind of deal where he recoups the losses or something like that. Or something. I don't know. He must be in bed with him. It's also weird that there's so much gambling content. It's like Didn't you make enough money to buy a plane just off rap?

Aren't you okay? Gambling content. This isn't even a rap beef, but he's like feuding with LeBron now, so he got like a Shea Gilgist Alexander tattoo over his LeBron tattoo. You can't cover the dude tattoo with another dude tattoo. It's so funny for me. It's probably like you should have learned the first. Also, if you have a tattoo of a dude and then you start bathing with him, you lost already. I'm sorry.

You did, yeah. He really did. He's on you. It's a fait of complete. There's no Drake tattoo on the bar. Ron. No. Yeah. And he's got a bunch of tattoos. He does. There's room. Yeah. Now if LeBron got into a fight with a lion. He's in trouble. Got the beef with lion. Or it would be... Or the year 1984.

Or the year 1984. Or Akron. Or some stars. Yeah. Or children, maybe. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we say Albrani does this year. Yeah. Yeah. Luke are hurt. Check out emotional hoops. You'll find out. You'll find out. We'll be reporting on. But yeah, Drake deciding to get in a rabbit. beef is it doesn't work out for him and it's so funny to me because i don't like him what a what a just really it makes me kind of think that he's a little he must see i think don't think he has good

people around him no and i'm like how far out from the shore are you that you think this is a good idea too well he's too famous and too successful so now everything he does he thinks is a good idea i worry about him i don't he's a child star they're all nuts yeah they're all nuts that's a You're 100% right. You're right. Yeah. And your final pick. I'm going to make a joke online about Taylor Swift or Beyonce.

Yeah, great call. Don't do that. I did it about Fifth Harmony once on Twitter. Yeah. A long time ago. There's some harmony heads out there. There's a lot. They were hammering me for weeks.

For weeks. Weeks. Let me go ahead and lay a few more layers on this lasagna. Kobe Bryant. Yeah. Derek Rose weirdly. DeAngelo Russell. Don't make jokes

They all have so many stands It's crazy Derek Rose has vicious stands Big time Really? I've gotten some death threats From Derek Rose fans Yeah

Yeah I haven't I don't know Yeah yeah yeah Just an interesting No jokes here Just sort of an interesting fact Yeah

I can't even imagine Like after the Fifth Harmony thing Yeah I couldn't even imagine Making a joke about Taylor Swift online Insane Couldn't even imagine it Because they love it

They'll put you up on the summer jam screen Oh my God Do you have a time you're front, I'll play. Oh, take the call. Don't take the call. Whatever the call is. Yeah. When there's a call coming in.

Yeah. And it's like a scary call to take and you don't take it. Oh, always a bad decision. Take the call. You got to take the call. But not taking the call. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You mean so like an unidentified number comes in and you take the call?

No, I'm not answering that. Come on, baby. Oh, you mean. No, it's like, hey. Like a life call. Yeah, I got you. She's calling. Yeah, okay, okay, sorry.

You know what I mean? You owe money, whatever. Yeah. Yeah, handle it. Yeah, handle it. Yeah, not taking that call, man. It just always, it always bites you in the ass. Yeah, true.

Sean, your final pick. Jello shots. Whoa. That idea. Hard disagree. That idea. You know what's crazy? I feel like Jellos shots, I never even catch like a buzz unless I have a shit.

They go nuts. Nothing to me. Yeah, I feel the same way. a little bit, but I'm off, very rarely am I just doing jello shots? There's also a lot of other stuff with their own. I'll probably have like jello shots and then be like, boy, that tequila's really hitting.

Yeah. Worst case scenario, you've eaten jello. Worst case scenario, you have like seven shots that you couldn't taste. And then you barf? Yeah. Okay, best case scenario, you're eating jello. Yeah. I mean, I like jello, just as much as the next guy.

If there's jello shots with no alcohol at the bar, sign me up. A couple surprising ones from you on there. I don't like jello shots. I will say that. I think it's like super overrated. I'll have one. Yeah. I might have one tonight.

Yeah. Who knows? I'll have some jellos shots. I don't think we're going to a jello shot place. I might find one. Okay. Bad ideas. Yeah.

The comedy store, bad idea. I've been going there a lot. Every time I'm here, I've been going just to go. Last time I went, I just, you were cashed. I just went and kicked it. Yeah. I just went down there, ran into someone I knew and then dipped. Beautiful.

Yeah, it was fun. My final pick? I talked about it. If you want to revisit this more at length, listen to the first AFE after my son was born, home birth. We didn't do it, and thank God we didn't. It's a bad idea.

Go to a hospital where they have hospital stuff. There it is. Yeah, right. Tread lightly. Far be it for me to tell somebody how to birth their child, but why wouldn't you want the tools around to help in an emergency? Sue Carmel. yes all that shit like other things yeah I don't think the other things all I don't really

know as my mother the baby nurse St. Sue Carmel put it oh it'll probably be fine until it until it isn't and that's and sometimes it isn't yeah Sean doesn't want to tell people as someone without a child yeah I would love to tell you how to birth your child oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and You should. And I will. Yeah. Go to the hospital, man. Patreon.com slash emotional hoops.

Harper will tell you. The one big emotional hoop, the child might come out. Yeah. How to navigate that. We will come to your house and birth your child. We will. By taking it to a hospital. Yeah, I'll drive you to the hospital, no big deal.

Yeah, I just, I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. John Beale. Yeah. Anyway, those are our picks. Isaac, do you have a pick? Yeah, speaking of emotional hoops. Trading Luca Donchich.

Bad idea. Bad idea. Bad idea. That's a great one. Don't do it. Although he's hurt. Sure. Not really.

To recap, Zach, you went first. You took, let's get back together. Getting back together with the next. It went so far away from you. The flag is gone. Not telling someone they're on speakerphone. Checking into what Kanye's been up to. Drake getting into rap beefs and telling a joke about Taylor Swift or Beyonce Noles on the internet.

David, you went second. You took putting off a work task. robbing Peter to pay Paul, going against your gut, saving money, skimping on toiletries, and not taking a call that you should be taking. Sean, you went third, you took staying up all night, the last drink, redacted, getting in a fight, and jello shot. Redacted buffet.

Bofes. Shame on you, Sean. Didn't we draft buffets once? Yes. Shame on you, Sean, Jordan. Stop. For all they've done for you. Stop.

I'm speaking my truth. What do you want me to do? I went last. I took, if you can pee, or not peeing when you can pee. Having sex when you're too full. Not hiring a professional do something. Wearing nice shoes for the first time to an event and home birthing. Shaw took buffets.

That was the one I didn't say. I appreciate it. You're welcome. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. We want to hear all your bad ideas. Hit us up on any of our social media. Oh, yeah.

Stuff we didn't say running for fun. Invading Russia during the winter. Sure. Oh. Yeah, constantly a bad idea. I'm going to watch this new Adam Sandler movie. Every day and then. No.

Sleeping on the floor. Happy Gilmore 2 sucks. You do that all the time, Sean. Never a great idea. Not making dinner reservations in a city? Like going to France. That's a new one. That's a new one where I'm like, oh yeah, you do got to make.

You know, you want to show up with six people. Yeah. They got to know you're coming. Going to Paris and being like, we'll figure it out. Not a great idea. Make reservation. I'm going to go back on Twitter. Yeah.

I have on here choosing to be a fan of your hometown's much less successful basketball team that never wins anything and disappoints you all the time? Yeah, that is... Now, why are you talking about that? Are you talking about that? Here's up at all fantasy podcast at gmail.com.

Shout to everyone on the AFE Patreon where there are bonus episodes, mailbag episodes, this or that episode, auction drafts, all of that stuff. Shout to everyone on the AFE subreddit, the AFE Shas Shalackety. Shot to Super Producer,

Ultra producer, Isaac Leon, the ones and two. So I think I don't have enough time to go home if he does. dog can come back. Maybe. All truck. Come on.

I'll try. You're going to make it. I'll make it. I'll make it. I'll make it. I'll make it. Yeah, you put this stuff off. Trying to say Sue Kramel.

Dr. Frankie Ocean said the dude, how'd you beats? More and more than all that, tune to get next to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything. Shakagity. Yep. All right. Let's go to the restaurant.

That was a hate gum podcast. I'm Kyle Mooney. And what's up, everybody? I'm Beck Ben. And man, ooh, I got, we got something to tell you. Yeah, we definitely do. Yes, it's a brand new podcast on HeadGum. That's right.

And it's called What's Our Podcast? Yep, and that's because we don't have a single idea what our podcast she'd be about. Yeah, we don't. So we actually have guests come on and they tell us what they think our podcast should be about and then we try it. Yep, guests like Mark Merrin, Jack Black,

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New episodes release every Wednesday. So subscribe to what's our podcast. On YouTube or any of your favorite podcast platforms. Yeah. I'm going to go do it right now.