All Fantasy Everything - Bald People (w/ Blair Socci, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

It's time to shine, baby!  The Big Dog Blair Socci joins up to draft bald people, and we're leaving no shiny dome unturned.  Go grab yourself one of those Dr. Evil cats and have a listen!    Episode Guest: Blair Socci @blairsocci IG: @blairsocci   Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.   Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Venmo: @marissa-melnyk Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting bald people. Our guest today is a hilarious comedian who you've seen on Comedy Central, The Late Late Show,

and soon you'll hear her voice on Bob's Burgers. She was recently named one of Variety's top ten comics to watch. Returning to the pod is the big dog herself, Blair Saki. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. And joining me, as always, are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that's going bigfoot hunting with the big dog with the big dog did we were you do you call yourself the big dog oh yeah i'm called by many i'm called uh the big dog by most people who know me uh close friends family and also the public. Then I did sort of make

also a little bit of a switch to Monster Truck for a while, which did happen live in Denver. I remember that. You stayed an extra day. Let me tell you this, Monster Truck. I went to see Monster Trucks last weekend.

Oh, that's right. I saw Gravedigger. Gravedigger did a backflip. Her car set on fire. And Gravedigger is a woman. I did not know that. We got an all caps text message. You didn't say woman either. You said Gravedigger is a girl.

Did you take Maxine? Or how did you get to be seeing Gravedigger? We took a bunch of drunk older men. Kyle, Dan Weber. We had the crew. It was sick. get to um be seen grave digger took a bunch of drunk older men kyle uh kyle dan weber uh we had the crew it was sick did you get earplugs we had them but i did not use have we not talked since no yeah sean what was the vibe like you said you were gonna check out the vibe first before using your earplugs it was fine it was fine it wasn't anything I didn't need them. I wanted to hear. If you have earplugs in,

I can't kibitz with my friends I'm sitting next to. Good use of kibitz. Thank you. Good use of kibitz. I heard it last night. It was good. Gravedigger should have won. You know how many backflips I saw?

One backflip. You know who did it? Oh, really? There was only one backflip? One who did it oh really there was only one one backflip and then so it's a contest not some sort of artistic showcase there's an actual winner and loser there's winners and losers yeah they go i guess they go they tour and they go against each other every night and in like a freestyle competition and wow yeah i like this archaic thing society is doing still that's good what are the points

how are the points assigned they so allegedly all of the people in the crowd vote i don't i don't believe it because gravedigger would have won but you all you're on your phone you download the app and then you just you know you give them points or whatever i wasn't doing it they're directing you to the app i had a $14 white box. How many Monster Jam emails have you gotten since? Oh, they didn't have an email. No. Monster Jam.

Because I bought tickets to Monster Trucks like six weeks before pandemic, and we went and saw them in Anaheim, and they sent me so many emails. Kyle bought the tickets, so I'm not on wax. I'm still off the grid. They don't know where I'm at. That was already in his inbox. Yeah. That new canada is also the reason why i went to a cat circus once me too yeah we went and saw tuna that that cat you know what i have to say about this group you guys do a lot of shit i tell you when I hear all the shit you're doing, I'm like, I do nothing. I do nothing

at all. You guys are always at some sort of grandiose event out in the world. I traditionally don't do anything, but Sean is pulling a lot of weight. David does stuff too. David does the goddamn symphony. You know, like, why not?

Like, New York really got me sparked. Like, going to the Music Man, going to the you know, like, why not? Why not? It's like New York really got me sparked, like going to the going to the music man, go to the Met, stuff like that, where it's like it's fun to do stuff, you know, going to Brooklyn to juniors for some cheesecake. Yeah, we didn't get cheesecake. Did we? We got whiskey and sandwiches. No, we didn't get any cheesecake. Cracking down on whiskey and sandwiches.

I don't think it was noon, but either way, it was a good time. It was a good time. So was Monster Trucks.igger should have won put that on set and uh that's that that guy having a great time at monster trucks at sean jordan sean is jordan on twitter sean cougar mel jordan on instagram sean uh sean bigfoot here's in the bigfoot truck here's what i was bigfoot there no big dude who knows where bigfoot at bigfoot could be in la like the og bigfoot is like just a pickup truck listen not just but you know what i mean it was just like a big ass chevy s10 or something bigfoot got buried by gravedigger that's what happened to bigfoot he's like gravedigger is gravedigger is like a chevy blazer gravedigger is like the steve austin to hulk hogan you Gravedigger is like the Steve Austin to Hulk Hogan. You know what I mean?

Like the newer, better Bigfoot. Gravedigger's got it all. It lit on fire. Except Bigfoot was like just straight up. It's like one of those wrestlers that just black trunks and personality. Yeah, I did. I thought Bigfoot was cool when I was a kid for sure. Hold on.

Now, we're not venturing into a space where we're talking shit on Gravedigger, are we? Because I don't want to have to change the whole theme of this whole situation. We're not doing that, are we? I'm not, like, I'm not, I'm not, I'm, no. No. International Women's Day is over, Sean. Yeah, dude. Get back to reality. Back to 374 days of International Dudes Day.

Fellas. I like that you have 11 extra days, or 9 extra days on your year. What did I say? You said back to 374 days of international dudes. Wait a minute.

You gave the dudes extra days? You gave the dudes ten extra days? You don't think that there's 374 days in a year. For like 30 seconds, I just thought there was 375 days in a year. Oh, you're just 10 off. I was getting scared for a second. I was like, how many days are in a year?

Anyway, now Ian keeps saying, and I would encourage all of you free thinkers out there to go and give it what he's saying. 24-7-365. Were you thinking like, well, that's okay. He's like, they're lazy. There's a union mandated 10 days you get it's not that impressive but I guess you know Christmas

you know you loved it so much you gave them extra days well I say 25-8-375 so I'm out here that's my guy right there that's why he's only 28 years old you are 28 i agree and i

will remain 28 everybody in the denver and fort collins area i encourage you to be a free thinker and go against naysayer ian carmel and come see me april 7th he keeps saying he's coming to that john elway is going to be there nobody's going to that john elway's coming man he's gonna bring me a steak he's gonna he's gonna make me a partner john elway's not going terrell davis isn't going also don't want i'll take you to the spot you don't want to go to loas you want to go to shanahan's you want to get nuts come see david and i out of dinner on april 6th i want to go to john elway's spot no you want to go to mike shanahan's spot you let me hold a lombardi there it is that's where it was well anyway come to fort collins comedy fort april 7th and 8th i will

be there nobody's gonna be going to that show where we come yeah i'll be there nobody's going the big dog's coming so fuck you the big dog's lying to protect your feelings i'm gonna have to miss my mom's birthday in palm springs but i'll be there big dog's getting off the porch making a trip to foco yeah it's pretty hard to get me off the porch that's what we learned the big dog's getting off the porch making a trip to Foco. Yeah, it's pretty hard to get me off the porch. That's what we learned. The big dog stays on the porch. Big dog's not going to symphonies. Big dog's not going to monster trucks.

The big dog delegates. No, I want to, though. That's a goal. You know, on my vision board this year, it said, get ass off couch. I thought it just said, get ass. Blair's going to smash. Blair's going to smash. off couch i thought it just said get ass blair's gonna smash you have to leave the house to get ass because the asset comes to you is back yeah you don't want to ask that'll come to you

let me tell you pal that is not the ass that is going to replenish your spiritual soul. You don't want the ass? It's like, sure, I'll be there in five minutes. Just stay up. Yeah. I'm weirdly right around the corner. Stay away. Yeah, they're like, I've been waiting for you to unlock me.

Doing something different. I never thought about that yeah well just kidding i'm not revealing anything about myself at all to any other listeners out there i'm on a new path good call it's a path that goes right to the memorial coliseum uh-huh grave digger go see i forget the dude who was some dude i had some prick i don't know he didn't do a backflip i'll tell you that some prick fuck him he beat gravedigger he did an endo where you go up on two wheels or one way on the other monster truck names i can't remember one of them yellow i can't remember any of them yellow it was like typhoon maybe all right i got some footage all you knew

was their essence you didn't need their names yeah you felt them yeah i felt great it's kind of like a boy boy band right there's a bad boy a cute one some some guy in line we were buying some white claws and he looks at me and he was so bummed out because the you know they were like 15 bucks or whatever and he was just like dude i don't even i don't even know what to do with this shit and i had i was like i go hey man what do you mean by that well he was just so i go hey man i don't know what you thought it was gonna be but like yeah it's gonna be expensive but there's monster trucks in there this is dope and i'm whole i was like i got two white claws some skittles and

some starbursts i'm having a good time i'd really love it if you were having a good time and by the it took me like 15 seconds and he was just like yeah you're right dude fuck it i'm here he was like there you go turned his whole his whole attitude around it was crazy that's the power of sean jordan i enjoyed it yeah yeah good vibes jordan that's the power of sean jordan they were now you had two white Starburst, and Skittles? Yeah, I was trying to get diabetes. Run it up! Did you put them in the White Claw? Had I thought of it, I would have. I was there.

Because we went to Red Robin beforehand. We had like a big $200 Red Robin dinner. What did you get at Red Robin? That's living right there, brother. That's living. 200 big ones at Red Robin? That's living right there, brother. That's living. 200 big ones at Red Robin. Yeah, it was me, Zach, Kyle, Rachel, Dan Weber, and Adam Posse. Oh, that's a good Red Robin clip. That's a good crew.

We got like six apps, and I think everybody just got burgers, and we got weird drinks. Onion ring towers? Multiple onion ring towers? Had to be two for that table. One? One onion ring. That's not enough. I don't like onion rings.

I don't like them. Well, that's a different... Because of the onions. John, grow up. Jesus. Come on, dude. Only when you're 29. I ate ketchup and drank Kool-Aid the whole time.

Yeah, I'll buy that. It was tight. And then we walked over to... They didn't have Skittles at Red Robin? No, they had to go dust off the Jameson, but they dusted it off for our table. That was fun. I know the very Red Robin.

Yeah, the current Red Robin? Yeah, the one by Lloyd. I'm sure you know that Red Robin. Anyway, it off for our table. That was fun. Yeah, the one by Lloyd. I'm sure you know that Red Robin. Anyway, it was an amazing time. Red Robin is top shelf. We used to go to the Galleria and get it handled sometimes after recording. I love Red Robin. I like that Red Robin.

The one at the mall is good. When they got all the sauces. I remember when it went out of business, I was so bummed out I hate seeing things leave malls well because we could get drunk at the mall at Red Robin although it's hard to get drunk at Red Robin with the amount of fries I was eating

well yeah I've done it I did it last week it's doable coolguyjokes77 on Instagram no longer on Twitter So let's just sort of deal with that I'm not gonna do whatever

Don't make me keep saying it folks David Borey off Twitter Is a bigger loss than Elon Musk Behind Twitter Really like 60% of my tweets were just For David And all the Joy went away When he left 60% of my tweets were just for David. I really like your Twitter.

All the joy went away when he left. I do miss your Twitter. I thought your Twitter was so funny, but I had to move on. There's only a few reasons to still be on there, and one of them is your Twitter account, Blair. Thank you. I'm serious. It's great.

It's fun. They always make me giggle. Yeah, Twitter was okay, but I'm going to mess it up now. Sure's great. It's fun. They always make me giggle. Yeah, Twitter was okay. I'm on Mastodon now. I'm a big Mast guy. Big on Mastodon. Big on Mastodon. Big libertarian.

I just keep these thoughts to myself and I'm going crazy. So with that in mind you know march when does this come out marissa march 23rd oh so this weekend come see me at rooster t feathers in sunnyvale california it's gonna be amazing i'm gonna be so funny shows. My little brother will probably be there. We're going to have us a time. Backflips. And then next. What? Backflips.

Not on stage, but I probably will make him do so. I mean, he's so old now that I kind of feel bad just being like, hey, do a flip. But, you know. And then next weekend, I'll be at the Dallas Comedy Club in Dallas. I'll be at the Dallas Comedy Club in Dallas. And then the weekend after that, I will be in Anchorage, Alaska for the Before You Die Festival. And on April 3rd, make sure you watch the first three episodes of Royal Crackers premiering on HBO Max. Watch every episode because I'm in every episode. Yep.

And then, you know, I'm going to Brazil in June. Oh, my God. You are sounding so successful right now. I am. It is really, really alarming. Was it to Brazil? Brazil had a lot to do with it. Whoa.

Wow. Okay. Having a brother and going to Brazil. Those two things sound successful. You're going to Brazil to get Bolsonaro back in power, right? Yeah, yeah. I have some things to say about some things. I'm not doing any comedy in Brazil, though.

I'm just going. Nobody does, man. Nothing funny about it. I'm going to poke my head out. You're doing some drama, though, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I will be doing The Elephant Man live on Brazilian Broadway. Brazilian Broadway, dude. Come on. on somebody that's that's my monster truck as soon as i get the funds brazilian brazilian broadway that's gonna take the music man in portuguese are you willing to compromise your number one your top one percent of unpaid drivers to become a monster truck driver because Because that would, you would then be a paid driver. I would fuck your shit up. This motherfucker yesterday, one of the topics was

words we can never spell right. And Ian goes, I'm one of the top unpaid spellers in the world. You're a writer. Yeah, you're like, that's what that means. They're paying me for the jokes,

not for the spelling. I just imagine you spelling them all wrong with backwards R's and stuff. Yeah. Yeah, but you get the joke. Yeah, I spell them with backwards R's. I grew up listening to Korn.

Yeah. My threes are E's. Yeah, dude. Come on. Oh, my God. You listen to Korn, Ian? Oh, yeah. In middle school?

High school? Like early in high school? Oh, yeah. You really made a good turnaround. That's good. Thank you very much. I like that. You really made something on

yourself thank you listen to in middle school blair no i remember all these like guys that i like that were like my boyfriends were like really into um corn and slipknot like these um rich soft orange county guys and they were like, of course. What were you listening to? I can't imagine you listening to music. What? I don't know why. I don't know why. I just feel like you were listening to like Bobby Knight rants. I can't breathe.

That was a love book. That is one of the most sinister things that has ever been directed in my. Oh, you know, Blair, don't listen to music. I wouldn't go over there. I don't mean it that way. What do you like? What did you listen to? That's what I mean.

It could be anything. No, in middle school or in high school. What do you want? Middle school. Yeah, both. In middle school, I was like, I was really into like TLC and of course, No Doubt, like the hits, you know what I mean?

Reasonable stuff. That makes sense. But then in, in high school, I feel like, you know, it was like Lil Jon and like Akon and Britney Spears. And,

um, you know, all of that. Wait, I don't, none of you know when I was in high school. Okay. It's none of your business.

I know that you went to college and your contemporaries with Russell Westbrook, so we can count around there. How dare you? And you played collegiate volleyball on a very high level. I know that you and Westbrook were... When did Russell Westbrook go to college? We were friends. Yeah, so when did Russell Westbrook go to college?

I was much younger than him, and it was just sort of an odd thing. We weren't actually at the same school or in the same grade or anything like that. I was just a much younger friend of his. Were you friends with Russell Westbrook? Are you serious? Yeah, I was in college. Really? Yes.

Yeah. That's amazing. But I haven't talked to him since then. Yeah. I've always assumed that culturally we're around the same age which is 29 yeah well that's so weird because i'm actually 24 but oh sorry i get why you have an old soul i do people tell me that all the time that i sort of move through the world with a lot of grace and gravitas and wisdom so I understand why you might think that. I'm 61.

Yeah. I like it. Take it back. Go back. 61 years old, dude. I like that. It's sort of a rebellion against our youth-obsessed culture. Yeah. That's good. I'm planting my flag directly at 61. I will say, I always knew

30s was going to be better than 20s. Oh, yeah. My 20s, I was like, this is chaos. I wasn't ready for my 20s. I'm on a boat right now. I don't know what's going on. Unsustainable. An unsustainable age.

Yeah. Your 20s end right when they need to. Yep. I used to do keg stands and all these humiliating things that I can't imagine. Gargoyles like and what's a gargoyle? It's where you put your feet on top and you stand and crouch on top of the keg with the spigot in your mouth like a gargoyle on top of a building. That's fun. We've lived very different lives.

We haven't. We never called it that, but i think we did that i beer bonged liquor once it was a bad it was a bad time i can't believe all the meathead shit i used to do just to like it's so embarrassing we my buddy dustin beer bong jack daniel it went in and then he goes hold on and it came right shooting back out like yeah it was insane my roommate beer bombed a whole bottle of red wine at someone else once he he held it down though no that's crazy it wasn't even it was it was it was so gnarly that is iron will that is still team six shit how do you put that on a job resume right and it shouldn't be

a red flag like people should be able to like i live i left that life behind but i want you to know the type of dedication that i bring to whatever i'm doing the commitment i have an indomitable will and i will beer bong a bottle of red wine these fucking tps reports or what you know what i mean yeah i will take that level of dedication to that like that you should be able to put that on there because not all of us were like fucking like going hard in college academically no we're doing it differently you have to make that distinction oh he listens shout out to andrew moore what up andrew he's getting married this year.

I'm performing it because I can do that now. You're singing, right? You're singing the song. I'm singing Amazing Grace. That would be so sick. I would actually die for you to do that at my wedding. Oh, done. Sing a song with a nice

little, you know. Yeah, with a little snap of bob yeah blair stock is here at blair stocky on twitter at blair stocky on instagram is that right that's right that's right oh fantasy everything what a surprise back with my fucking guys that's goddamn right you're dope you are so fucking dope where where can people uh where can people traffic in the blair sake business where can people see you perform whether it be live or or otherwise you're coming here aren't you well i? Well, I do. I am, yes. I do have a few, you know, ones I'd like to tell the public about if anyone is interested in seeing my work.

One key date, I'm coming to Chicago Comedy Bar March 31st and April 1st. I haven't been to Chicago in a long time. Would love to see some AFE fans out there. And then the other date I would love to tell you about, I'm doing an hour in Los Angeles, April 27th, Thursday. And I really only do that once a year. So if that's something you're interested in, come on out. Love to see you.

Go. Everybody go to all of those shows. You will have a good time you will leave entertained you will laugh the whole time i'm serious i'm i could not be more serious if you want to think about you talking about sprite a lot which is called starring oh no no. That's never mind. I was in the gas station the other day. Is that what's going on? It is the reimagined, not Mellow Yellow, Sierra Mist. They've rebranded Sierra Mist.

Wow. Can I tell you, I always felt like Sierra Mist, a little too thirsty. I'll tell you this. Relax, Sierra Mist. That Peeps Pepsi is bad. I tried it. I don't trust your taste in soda oh it's bad remixes are always uh i don't know you know it's a real gamble remix machine sign me up you can i can i can play jazz

with that all day but the peepsie or the like the the fucking are you saying pepsi with p what are you saying saying peeps Peeps as in the marshmallow tree? Oh, you said the picture. Yeah, that looks bad. You drink they kind of... So every now and then, we get press releases. I'm trying to say you're one of my best friends in the whole world. You drink like

your pee might smell crazy. Yeah, your pee must smell crazy. Not bad, but like crazy. We do stories in the monologue on the show where like at the end where it's like clearly Pepsi released this product. So late night shows and like online magazines would talk about it to get their regular brand attention. Like Peeps flavored Pepsi. It's so like the late night shows will say Pepsi online. I will buy one of all of it but you

actually drink it i try all our jokes are who drinks this and you're the dude who drinks it i try it laura tried it and laura is put together 28 year old sean jordan that's it just because my body my constitution can handle that sort of flavor every time you piss it's like a harmony crime movie living in some sort of spring break spring breakers piss kids oh blair that was the funniest go see blair do stand up that was one of the funniest things i've ever heard in my whole life. Go see kids. It's worth the rewatch. We were just talking the other day about how I'm guilty.

I just think kids was cool. I just think it was like a skate movie, not a very, very dramatic HIV movie. Yeah, I was like, oh, they skate. They don't care, and they steal 40s. It's cool. You know what I mean? When I was 14, none of that real life stuff set in. I just didn't think it was a big deal i honestly saw kids and i was shook when i was i was like oh i think one of our teachers tried tried to or did show it in school if they did

that's insane because there's a lot of other cool stuff around me like because you're watching it you're like yeah i want to break into a swimming pool with girls the only reason i ever did a whip it was that movie which you know isn't cool but no that was that was that was coming down the pipe anyways that was gonna happen anyways i was like a freight train coming for you just a big whip it freight train jangling a big jangly freight train. Jangly. A big, jangly freight train. Oh, man. Whippet's freaky. My name is Ian Carmel.

Whippet's freaky. I want a drink for work. My name is Ian Carmel. Ian Carmel on Twitter. Ian Carmel on Instagram. Ian Carmel on the Jewish Whippet app. Mm-hmm. Where you can get a chauffeur full of whatever that Whippet app where you can get a

chauffeur full of whatever that Whippet gas is. Nitrous? Nitrous? I think so. Dude, watch the Late Late Show. There are now a month left of shows. How about that? Jeez, that's crazy. That's about it. And then I'm going to be in fucking Italy.

Ciao. Come see me in Denver. Colorado. At the Comedy Works Day the town june 22nd 23rd and 24th see a lot of people are gonna go to that i think i think a lot of people are gonna go because you know you're loved and your fans are gonna enjoy yeah i think so too it's a big town it's a big town yeah for collins no i like for collins coming up to fort collins if you're if you're feeling nobody's going to that April 7th and 8th April 6th come to shenanigans

we're going to hold the Oscar oh in New York I might be there doing a one night only show soon one night only that's the song you got to sing at Blair's wedding whatever song that is you ever seen Dreamgirls?

Yeah, of course I have. I saw it, the only reason I, well, not the only reason, but I watched it before we drafted musicals because I couldn't think of any musicals that I had actually seen. I would think that you would have seen that. I would have thought you would have loved Dreamgirls. Yeah, that feels Seancore. I have seen it now, but I never saw it up until then. And that's it. Come see me in Denver.

That's the only date i have on the calendar uh as as currently constructed loser or i have before i have other plans going on this summer and uh that's that's friggin it now we're not here i'll listen all fantasy everything be excellent to each other we are gathered here today not only to talk about uh people not just not going to see sean and four collins stop okay we're done joking about that stop it i thought i'm you know what i was done joking about it from jump street because i've never been joking about does this hand look like it's shaking 21 it did shake a little bit it's my left hand i wouldn't call it shaking it's more of a sort of an unsteady sort of thing that you might want to see like a chiropractor about. I love chiropractors.

Oh my God. I just went yesterday. I'm obsessed with their chiropractor TikTok. I'm in deep over there. Oh my God. I can't stop. I've never done. I went on YouTube and saw. It started with seeing Jack Harlow get chiropractic. Yeah. And then I went down this. Yeah, it yeah it looks

it looks complicated it better make white man can't jump be good because I don't see that happening I don't think there's enough chiropractors in the world I want it to be good and I think that after I think that house party was good

I think that there is house party was good yeah I thought house party was good. I think that there is... House Party was good? Yeah, I thought House Party was good. I'm scared to watch. I think athlete-driven production companies can work, and I want it for White Man Can't Jump. I really do get the hero's journey, you know? I might check it out.

That's just me. I want it to be good, of course. I'm going to see it. Yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. I'm going gonna see it yeah well yeah yeah i'm gonna see it are we drafting all bald fictional people people are we doing fictional are we doing fictional too you never answered is it like you know i was i i got some fictionals on there. I'm all real. Some of mine got mixed in there.

But what honestly is real? Is that the truth? And I also just want to say as a preface up front to my guys and the listeners. I've always been the pro-bald stance. Not always the most popular stance. But someone who really takes a stand in life, and that's me because I have core-driven values, and I like a bald man.

Some of the hottest men can be a bald man. Absolutely. And I'm going to go on record saying that. Your lips to God's ears. You're going to explore that very idea. We're going to talk about it. Yeah. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of core-driven rock, paper, scissors.

Play between the three of you, and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, David wins. He throws a paper against two scissors. An unnatural victory. It's the unnatural. What do you mean I thought scissors cuts paper?

What the hell? Odd person out. It's the odd person out. It's? Odd person out. Odd person out. It's the odd person out. It's the only way to play three person rock paper scissors. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

This shit is chest. It ain't checkers. This is just what you're through the looking glass now, Blair. Have fun on this side. Oh, world, they're being turned upside down. We haven't even gotten started. This is but a taste. This is but a glimpse at the charcuterie board of madness you're about to enter.

David Borey, as the winner of Rock, Paper, Scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. And before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question. that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that that's a great question like a nail-biting game of plinko played the way that i want to see it where you drop the little thing and it goes like almost all the way over to the left and it just goes down you know plinko the price is right we go is that gambling thing old people do no it's prices that's keno i think that's reverse mortgages it could be like keno it's like it's like your card in Power Kino.

If you just want to paint. You're at the video lottery machine and you hit Power Kino and you just paint the top row and then one down. Then you hit draw. You don't hit. You're like, I'm going to pick some new ones. Then you paint the second row from right to left. This is actually way better. Then you hit draw. Nothing hits.

Then you paint the whole third row from left to right and go one down. Then just keep going until you sign your paycheck over to tommy jack's bar and grill in sioux falls south they used to happen all the time i like the name power keno yeah i don't know why i think they call it power keno because they need to make you feel like powerful i don't know it's not it's power keno those video lottery machines are such a bummer to watch. I mean, it's like gambling, but it is gambling, but it's not like just the fun of being in Vegas or whatever. These dudes would sit

in this dingy bar and just, I mean, thousands of dollars. Anyway, whatever. It's only desperation. It's only the desperation part of gambling. I hit one big one time, though. How much, David?

It was like 300 bucks. I hit a Royal Flush. But it was like, I was in Vegas, and I didn't have a lot of money. I was visiting Sam T. I was going to like, I was going to like, I don't know, like New Orleans.

I was going somewhere on the road after that, and I only had the money I had made on the show. And I hit it for like three bills, and it was like a amazed. Just a life challenge. Wow. Blessed. Yeah, it was crazy. One of the better days. Lucky girl syndrome. I'm telling you. Basically what it means is you pick fourth

in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Now David, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? I think it's going to be Sean, David, Blair, Ian. Hot corner. Sick, dude. Thanks. I didn't think you were going to take any of my picks. Sean has the first

pick. Indie bald guys. I don't know. I have a couple on there. Does it matter? No. We're going to get to that first pick of Sean's right after the short little break.

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This is it. This is it. If you like podcasts, it's All Fantasy Everything. If you listen to espn's the daily where you think you're hearing pablo tori talk about just the various sports goings on of the moment guess what that that was us sean jory not pablo tori that's me no yeah it's me i don't get it wait say it again sean jory not pablo tori it just rhymed that was it oh okay that was it yeah wasn't amazing no it wasn Yeah. It wasn't amazing.

No, it wasn't bad. It wasn't. You don't need to feel like that. You've had better jokes. You've had worse jokes. But you have a lot of jokes. April 7th and 8th. Nobody's coming to that. What I would do if I were you

is come to Comedy Works, Denver, June 22nd, 23rd. Go to Bo. 24. I would watch Royal Crackers on HBO Max. I'm watching Royal Crackers. You can count on that.

Come on. That's absolutely a sure thing. I heard the guy who plays the lawyer is six feet tall. Yeah, dude. He's 28. 28, just had his last growth spurt. I'm streaming it right now on Mongolian VPN. I've already got it.

Well, it's got to go with the barbecue. Remember Pirate's Bay? That was the big one, right? Pirate's Bay. Oh, yeah. I torrented everything oh yeah you want to get stoned and watch i love you man at noon on a wednesday movies video games i was i was torrenting everything yeah i don't get it it was like little bits and pieces from everywhere and it would put it together and listen how does tv work how much do you love your kids how deep

is the ocean what do we say i never pirated anything one of the biggest regret to my life but what women don't know how to do that type of thing it's true 371 days of international men's day we don't know how to put things from our phone onto the tv 79 days of International Men's Day. Thank you for contributing. I like how I said the dumbest thing I could have said. We don't know how to put things from our phone onto the TV either. There's things like

that that you just don't get unless you come back as a man in a different life. All of this is true. I wish I knew how to do that. It is really really sad oh yeah i had to have a roommate like tell me because it was really weird it still doesn't seem like it should work yeah i don't know how to do it oh my god guys always love to guys fucking love can i do that

can i do that with my TV? I got it. Guys love to Chromecast. They love to Chromecast. I know it's true. I believe it. Hey, Blair, I just got a new house in Laguna. You want to come over and Chromecast? Renaming their Wi-Fi. Yeah. Wait, do girls not that?

Not do that? No, no. My Wi-Fi is Spectrum 7457 or something. How would I know how to rename the Wi-Fi? You think I'm some McCarthy grand genius? Mine is Gorilla Unit. I didn't rename my Wi-Fi.

This is the first time ever. I used to call it Terry Porter because I kind of saw my router as a point guard passing internet to all sorts of different various sources. You know what I mean? Let me just set up the computer over here. Oh, wait a minute the xbox is getting open on the three like i'll bounce a pass over there general you just made a living art piece that's incredible

the story behind it thank you yeah i try to live my life like that you know what i mean especially with you i'm chained to sort of a corporate creative structure with my job at cbs so i have to sort of live my life as a sort of performance art piece oh they try to say they say they say um try to find romance anywhere you can anywhere even in the mundane and that's the secret to life and that's what i've been doing for these last eight years that's incredible yeah it's nice mostly through router names and yeah. Noticing birds. Yeah. Sean, you have the first pick in the ball.

People, all fantasy, everything draft. Now we're doing real and fictional. That's what's going on here. I'm asking. I got a list of all real. I've only got real.

I'm really doing real and fake. I got real and fake. You know, I do. Of course I do. I live only doing real. I got real and fake. I got real and fake. You know I do. Of course I do. I live in a fantasy world. Sean Jordan, you have your first pick. Bruce Willis.

Bruce Willis? Yeah, yeah. Just whenever I think of anyone bald, he's the first person that pops in head. He was on the list. Yeah. When did he go bald? He wasn't bald in like Moonlight and stuff, right? He had hair in the first Die Hard. I did he go bald he wasn't bald in like moonlight and die hard right he had hair in the first die hard i think he went bald like but he was balding he's bald

very attractive balding like he uh you know you can say that again he still looked i mean he's always been gorgeous even you know moonlighting when he had i think he had like a pretty full head of hair and moonlighting and then i't know, Color of Night was another movie. Maybe there were sex scenes, maybe there weren't. Maybe that's how I know it was. We all have seen Color of Night. Maybe I had certain parts of that on VHS. Maybe I didn't, but I know he had.

Whoa, that's actually a... I know multiple people who had Color of Night. Oh, dude. If you didn't have parts of color night recorded you weren't i don't know the plot who i know they had fun sometimes this looks sexual there was a naked there was a dinner scene where she was naked at the table and she moved her dinner plate to the left and the camera panned up and then cut to the shower scene hell yeah i'm gonna i know what i'm doing later yeah i had some parts of that but anyway they're like in the 69 on the poster

why do you think i had parts of it on vhs brother wow they don't make movies like they used to they don't that's for sure no he's bald in all of them now now jonah hill's not even kissing in the in the in the rom-com these days yeah you better fucking smooch they didn't kiss no it was fake andrew schultz let it spill the big secret wait it was it was a fake why wouldn't they just kiss she didn't want to kiss him we don't know if that's why or what i think he i imagine it was him not wanting to upset whoever he was dating or it was like some standees make there are multiple 69 related images from this movie

did you google image search the color of night Bruce Willis yes I did so you know what I'm talking about then this is sexual he was bald from like Die Hard not with a vengeance what was the one after that a good day to die hard he was bald in that one the Not with a vengeance. What was the one after that?

A Good Day to Die Hard? He was bald in that one. The one where his kid was in there? Is that the first one he's bald in? I'm not sure. I think so. But he just... He was bald...

No, he wasn't bald in The Sixth Sense, was he? He just pops... He's the first person I think of when I think of a bald... Just bald person. That's the first thing that popped in my head was Bruce Willis in in general just okay super sexy old dude uh he's great like in looper he just looks fantastic there's that story joseph gordon levin had about how bruce willis wouldn't you've heard like he would he like wouldn't talk to people on set not like an asshole he's just very i don't know brooding or something but he walks up to Joseph Gordon-Levitt and he goes,

wow, you really do look like me, kid. And then he just walked away. Because they made his chin bigger or something. They did, yeah. To make him look like him. But yeah, he just, I don't know. He pops into my head. He's a bald dude.

Sucks. He's like, he can't. I don't know what the. He has dementia. He has pretty bad dementia. Yeah. Yeah, it's sad. Those last few movies I heard that like his handlers

were just like abusing him like that you know they agree to things that they shouldn't have agreed to because they were trying to get paid like he couldn't do scenes for more than like two sentences or something something ridiculous i saw that last movie i don't know what it was called but i was disturbed that's the one with johnny drama with kevin dylan is it that one um i forget this is the first i've heard of any of this i thought he was doing fine Was it the one with Johnny Drama with Kevin Dillon? Was it that one? I forget. This is the first I've heard of any of this. I thought he was doing fine. No, he's got bad dementia.

Yeah. Oh, man. I know. Not to bring it up. Bruce Willey, dude. He's a fascinating man. He bought a whole town in Idaho. Yeah, I was doing that podcast because of Dana.

Was it quarterly? Yeah, I've been there. Was it quarterly or was it? It's called Haley. All right. I've been to Haley, too. d'Alene? It's called Haley. I've been to Haley too. Gorgeous, beautiful. Beautiful country. Gorgeous country.

God's country. God's country up there. She really did it right when she designed that part. You know what I mean? Gotta throw praise to the woman upstairs for that one. He wasn't supposed to be in Die Hard. He't there even like on the list i don't think because they looked at him for moonlighting and but like somehow his manager like shoehorned him in for an audition or something and he killed it but yeah he wasn't meant to be an action star when it all

started he was going to be like a comedian big bruce willie broke into the scene by being a very charismatic bartender yeah that's what they said we were by bruno right yeah bruno just a very charismatic bartender and like a hot spot in new york while he was auditioning for stuff but he broke through because people were like that's that fucking bartender we like didn't he say too much swag they were like you are eventually going to save an office building yeah um you need yeah i see you bartender you need to be saving office building it's starting to look like this bar isn't going to get attacked by terrorists so we need to put you in a position where that will happen somewhere i'm not just i'm not the one that

just got butt fucked on national tv that die hard line when he when he says it to the cop and die hard he's like i'm not the one that just got fucked on national tv uh he sang songs right didn't he isn't he like a recording artist he was also a recording artist bruno yeah yeah he's a wine cooler salesman he is a movie star television star charismatic bartender we're all kind of wine cooler salesmen. Father of daughters. The daughters were all over Raya back when I was on Raya. Really? Rumor. Scouting rumor, Willis.

Yeah. I know them because she did my show. She did my Daryl and Wilson show and Demi Moore came. All the sisters and Demi Moore came. Right. Demi Moore came two months in a row. Who'd she write a letter to? She wrote, it was Scowl,

and she wrote a letter to Ted Danson. And as you know, if any of you are familiar with the Daryl and Wilson show. Oh, I'm familiar. Well, I have a private detective named Lucian Wickles who often is responsible for writing really like inappropriate interview questions. And so it was a fine line to cross with getting into celebrity culture with Lucian's questions with Scout Willis, you know, because she had a lot of insider knowledge and experiences. had a lot of insider knowledge and experiences yeah so i didn't want to exploit her i wanted her to feel comfortable which i imagine you know all about as a late night star you know yeah it's

a real line you have to tell a real dance with your guests you need to create an environment where they feel comfortable sharing not where you're prying information from them right which is sort of hard with lucian who he really really is inappropriate so don't ask don't try to text or ask blair any questions about lucian she won't tell you well yeah if you had a private detective that you met at a really spiritual moment in your life in the current river while fishing for crawdads, well, then I think you would keep that private too. Some things are just for the heart, you know? Nope. I would tell you because

we're friends. Anyways, Bruce Willis, not private. My first pick. David Borey, it's time for your first pick to come from your heart. I'm taking Ellen Ripley from the Alien franchise. Of course, Ellen Ripley. She was the first one. Functional, bald, cool as hell.

The alien breathed on her face. Bald, powerful, in space. What else do you want from a person? Bald, powerful, and in space, dude. I don't want to say put it on my tube zone again. That's literally how Michael Jordan sold Space Jam.

Yeah. That's literally how Michael Jordan sold Space Jam. Yeah. Those three words. I don't want to keep saying bald people. I don't think anyone's going to take Jeff Bezos. I was just going to say Jeff Bezos. All that time slack game is on, bitch. Okay. Bald, powerful, in space.

Jimmy Cameron. I'm in the industry. space. Jimmy Cameron. I'm in the industry. Yeah, Jim Cameron. You call him Jim. Jim Cameron has a warehouse. Jim Cameron. My wife has told me this from when she worked for Entertainment Weekly. He has a warehouse where he just has all this shit from his movies.

And he has Ellen Ripley's big ass. The thing, the big robot thing whatever that's out right is that yeah yeah yeah the like robot forklift thing whatever you want he just wears it sometimes i fucking would i'd wear it all the time i'd pick up postmates in it david's gonna buy that at some like charity auction before at some point like i know that's gonna happen in his future bring that to brazil. Or like Chalk LA and he's going to buy it. We're going to visit David in a compound in Sierra Leone

and he's going to come to the door in the Ellen Ripley robot suit. A house being built to accommodate that like that's your body? You guys want some steaks? Oh yeah, pal. Believe it. Absolutely. sticks handle oh yeah pal believe it absolutely no that would be a good future for me i'm okay that would be a great future uh but yeah yeah ripley is iconic bald bald person top top five easy first round talent had to get her sigourney Sigourney Sigourney

Sigourney she's fucking bald too she's like yeah that's a close shave have you ever okay I know we've all shaved I've shaved my head bald

not with a razor but I shaved it no extension once I've shaved it with a razor you've shaved it with a razor Ian you used to go no extension right I've gone no extension buzzed yeah

Blair what's the shortest you've gone did you ever have a super short hair on my head? Oh, um... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I want that edited out.

I don't get it. I was laughing at something else. Maxine did something funny. What do you mean? I don't get it. I don't get it. Leave it in. Edit everything else out. And that's the rest of the podcast. I never wanted this is the shortest your hair cut on your head in high school you know I was going through a few things and I chopped it right off to like here I had like a punkish kind of haircut.

And Punkish rooster. I don't think I looked that cute, but I really felt cool. Yeah, that's rad. I bet you worked it. I would wear like big pigtails like this. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, I can see that. Senior year of high school, like bleach blonde. my hair was really blonde pigtails like that yeah that was like the uh yeah that was like the well that was like three years that was like three years ago so that was like a bag that's what was going on i know you wouldn't believe short pigtails on my big fucking head it's like it's like a basketball with two pigtails it's crazy It was like a bobblehead about to tip over, sort of. Apparently, a few episodes