All Fantasy Everything - Balls (w/ Clare O'Kane)

Episode Date: April 30, 2026

Balls — you know, of "don't lie" fame.Guest:Clare O'Kane (@clareisokane)Shop for exclusive AFE merch, old and new!https://trillblazin.netSupport the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Headgum podcast. Hax is back for its fifth and final season, and so is the Hacks podcast. Join the Hacks creators and showrunners, Lucia and Yellow, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky as they unpack the Emmy-winning comedy series. On each episode, hear stories from the set, what goes on in the writer's room, and how these beloved characters close out their final season. Watch Hax streaming exclusively on HBO Max and listen to The Hacks podcast. on HBO Max or wherever you get your podcasts. Welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything. The podcast, the fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of popular culture. On today's episode, we're drafting balls.

Our guest today is the very funny comedian and writer, Clero Kane. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me as always are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan, and David Boy, Sean Jordan, has put on socks for the first time this week. Yeah, I'm not a, I don't know. I don't wear socks with shorts. So you rock a wet foot. It's not that good wet on real, man. You know what's crazy?

He hates moisture. I don't like wet stuff. Whoa, what are we doing? What's up with me? What did I do to everybody? Just it was a natural sense. What are you talking about you? I'm just interested.

If you guys brought up me, you'd say he's super handsome. He loves balls. Yeah. We want to talk about hot guys who love balls. That's a long list of balls. If he don't really sweat or get wet down there if I'm just sitting here chilling. All right. Yeah.

I don't know if that's. True. It is. I just told you it was true. You think I'm a liar? We're not good enough friends? I haven't said crazy enough shit on here to where you think I wouldn't tell the truth about that. Now, maybe that's true.

Yeah, that's actually good. I'm pretty honest. You know what's funny, too? Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if I've ever seen your feet. I don't know if I've ever looked at your feet. That's crazy. I've seen your feet for sure. Especially as someone who's wearing shorts, you'd think you'd have seen.

Do you want that to change? You got some pretty standard release feet, I think. You got like a pretty, it's like a run-in-the-bell-cha-shy shape or anything? You don't have to. You don't have to. I would say it's a handsome foot that we want to see. I don't mind seeing your foot. I don't.

If you don't mind me getting a huge boner. Are you wearing liquid death socks? Atmosphere. Oh, yeah. Liquid death is the atmosphere of... I was just thinking. Yeah. That's her garden variety foot right there, my friend.

That's a straight-up foot. That's a really good male foot. Yeah, that's the male foot. That is a utilitarian foot. Do you have high arches? Do I? I don't know. Is that just what a foot looks like?

I think it's just what a foot looks like. I think it's just what a foot looks like. We're getting a whole new listenership right now. I have pretty high arches. Do you? It makes shoes difficult. Yeah. Like it's a thick.

It's a wedge of a foot. I'm not going to go all the way sock off, but like, it's like this part of my foot, the upper bridge or whatever, like right before it gets to the ankle. Fucking thick, dude. You could drop a semi-truck over this thing. I'm not even going to take my shoe off, but I have flat-ass feet. You've flat-eat-eat-a-doo. I got yubba-du-doo. You really do.

Yeah. seen your feet a lot. You got highway feet. Okay, relax, Claire. It doesn't feel good when you do it. You're going to Mount Doom with those things? Well, I walk on the sides of my feet, I think. And so every shoe I have is like indented in a weird way.

Oh, yeah. Shoes keep no secrets like that. That's exactly how you walk. No secrets. You can find a murder just with the shoe. That's what I worry about. Yeah. I do.

I walk on the balls of my feet because I don't like. like it when people slam their heels down and walk like flat footings. And you don't like it when people do it. Like that pisses you on. Yeah. When people stomp around, I just don't like when people stomp. So I was walking like my toes almost. I see, I'm the opposite.

I love it when I see somebody on the street and I'm like, that guy's walking heavy. It's so fun or like a really like a heavy footed walking lady. Yeah. It's so like a romper stomper. I really like it. It makes me like feel good. Some woman with a big purse wearing those dresses that they wear at the dog shows. Yeah.

Just cut mid-calf heavy walking. I like it in general where somebody has a body that looks like it's not that easy to move, but they've developed a way to move it. Totally. You know what I mean? It makes me feel good to see that. Definitely. That is interesting. Everyone moves different.

Mm-hmm. This is true. Yeah. And we all have balls. I'm keeping us on topic because he's got a hard out. Totally. In one way or another, we all have balls. Oh, yeah, we do have ball.

You know, we got plenty of time still. Okay, well, let's let it breathe. Sean Jordan has ball. I got you. Everyone does move differently. It is interesting, like, the way, like, Sean Jordan has balls. John Jordan has balls.

It's like one of my favorite things about people. Yeah. Or like when you see, do you ever see somebody from far away? I feel like it happens more with, like, my family. Like, if I see my brother from 150 yards away, I can tell just by his posture, it's my little brother. Absolutely. And, like, how people have the way that they move.

man, that shit knocks me out. Or when you see a bunch of people moving in the same way, like a family? That's cute. Oh, I love that. Yeah. Like, I was on the beach and I seen this guy who was all blockheaded and he walked funny and then his kids were all blockheaded. I was like, that's a blockheaded ass.

That's just how you guys walk. That's the blockheads. The blockheads. So many generations of blockheads. That's what I'm saying. They were like that in Cleveland and then they were like that in Baltimore and they were like that in Estonia? Yeah.

Like, they were always blockheaded. Now Estonia does seem like an especially. blockheaded place for some reason. Because stone is in it? It's not, doesn't sound like a roundheaded place. It's blocker. And maybe that's where it sounds crazy when I talk. Does it mean like square headed? Yeah, you got blockhead. Blockhead. All right.

Like a, yeah, like a Dean Norris type. Oh, sure, Hank from Breaking Bad. Yeah. Oh, that's a blockhead. That guy's a blockhead. Yeah. I like it when a blockhead grows into a bobbosaur. Like you could tell he used to be involved. You know what I mean? Like when you could tell he used to be a blockhead and it got kind of fatter.

Well, you know, because everybody's face widens as they ate. Yeah, yeah. So everyone eventually becomes some sort of a blockhead. Or they become like a Hey Arnold. Which is even cool. Like a football head. Yeah. Do you ever see Fred, you know Frederick Weissman, the documentary filmmaker who just passed away?

Yeah. My man looked like a Hey Arnold. Really? Yeah, I got to pull it up. Frederick Wiseman. But what I was getting, I recently remembered something that happened when I first moved to New York. and I was like approaching a group of comedians who I had never met before

and I was like really nervous because they're all very cool over there A whole moment football head We'll come back to it But then I overheard one of them say Here comes Claire stomping on over Oh no That fucking sucks

Like a guy who I just met once He's a group of cool New York comics You heard them say that? Gay guys Here comes Claire stomping on over Can I ask you this? Are they still cool? They're still cool? Damn.

Do you feel like New York people are way meaner? I guess they're more honest, as they like to say. I think they're meaner. I think I don't even think, I think maybe they like to say that. But I think just like interactions with cool people in California versus New York. I'm like, no, I think California people are just nicer. They're nicer, but when they're angry, they seethed. New York people?

Californians seeds. Yeah, that's true. And then you look at a guy who's seething because you took his parking spot. Hey man Hey that's not cool man That's true That is true Like a soup set on simmer

Kind of like Like blah blah Yeah But here's a thing I'm leaving anyway So I'll take it on the front end I'll take a seat on the front end Because I'm gonna like

Fucking hang out with this guy In New York I feel like you'll have like an argument With somebody else I'm not fucking talking to you Yeah I gotta go to Trader Joe's New York mean

This almost seem like I'm just being honest It seems like a way that they valorized maybe just being a little bit meaner. Oh, yeah. Those are always the worst people, by the way. I'm just being honest.

You said my girlfriend smells like shit. The amount of stuff of my dad. That was a crazy example. Your girlfriend does not. She smells lovely. Your wife. Yeah, but that's right. Who said your wife?

Nobody. I just was thinking of things. I was just being honest. Charles freestiling. You were battle rapping. You told me to start with the pit. Sort of atmosphere style. I think it's because, and I think we can all agree, it's harder to live in a place like New York.

So it's more, it's okay to be a little angrier. Yeah, for sure. I think it's just there's so much humanity you've got to cut through everything. Yeah, yeah. And I like that. I want less humanity and let's have a little pomp and circumstance. More more palm trees. I kind of want to ask you how the weather is and move slow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Forever. That's why you moved to the west side, I think. Yeah. Beautiful. The east side's a little too much hustle and bustle for me. Too much life. Too much mask theater.

Come on, I want to slow down. Chill out a little bit. Too much clowning. Oh, boy. A lot of clowning. That's what I'm saying. Oh, boy. You know who hasn't seen a clown show, David Bory.

We keep waiting for this clown bubble to burst. A whole underbelly I'm finding out about. It's a whole thing. Yeah. You know, God bless him. I don't know. Yeah, I'm with you on that. God bless him.

Someone's got to do it. Is climbing worse than open-miking comedy? Yes. Really? Yes, because I think... An open-mic comedy? Yes. I think it's because the clowning in general, the ethos is like...

Not to make people uncomfortable, but it's like leaning into the discomfort. Yeah. You don't feel like that's what open-mic comedy is? No, it depends on if they're like a freak bitch or not. But that's most... But the results... I'm really glad you said that. I really appreciate you saying a freak bitch.

But then it's like goal versus... result, right? Like the goal of Open My Comedy, I don't think most people are like trying to lead you into discomfort. Yeah, but they're actually crazy people. They're crazy people. There's a lot. I like, I go to the helium open mic every week almost and there are, there is, that is

the goal for someone like a brand new, yeah. And that's also top tier open mic. Helium Comedy Club, that's the best open. I'm talking about under a bridge. You know what I mean? You're talking about where the freaks are at. I'm talking about the brainwash cafe. Yeah. We're talking about laundry.

Matt Cafe. Exactly. Yeah, I think it's... The Chris Chia Pachas of the world. I'm saying clowns are... Feel like kids with money who are ready to tear it all down. They're agents of chaos for no reason. Right.

I also do feel a bit... I'm highly generalizing. I was going to say it feels like you've been scorned by a clown right now. I've been scorned. Who has not been led astray by a clown? They said they were going to give me a ride and then the... The car was real small. There was 40 guys in there.

It was, it was, it's just, it's ironic. All their friends in there. Their girlfriends smell like shit. And then you threw the mic at David. Then they told me it was all a jest and they offered me a handshake. It's going to make things better. And you won't believe what happened next. You do have to get rich, I bet, to get into clowning.

Because, like, that is getting into something with no future for sure. You know what I mean? Of some kind. Stand up poor people still. do it because you're like, I could get rich like Cedric the entertainer or whatever I thought was a good. But like a clown is like, there's no your dad's always going to pay for your stuff. You're not going to make your money

off of clowning. Right? Yeah. What is the goal? You join a circus? I think it's... That's your big. I mean, yeah, what is the goal? It's not like getting on lettermen. I have no idea. A bit of like a pyramid scheme where if you get good enough at clowning, then you teach clowning. You teach people like, you teach clown classes.

next generation of people that are going to fall for your nonsense. There's just some psychosexual shit happening in these climbing circles. Do you think there's a lot of weird sexual stuff in it? It feels so sexual and for the sake of being sexual in a way that is not interesting to me. Okay. You know me. I'm highly sexualized. I'm a freak bitch.

You're a real freak bitch. So I can't speak to that. It's just perhaps it's just not my scene. I can't really talk shit. Art is in the eye of the beholder. Absolutely. And there is, I mean, Natalie Palomelman. This is like a, it's on commercials.

Everybody's got one. Yeah, that's right. Every group's got one. I was going to say, is that the goal? Is that like the Holy Grail to be? We've got Cedric the entertainer. We've got Cedriced the entertainer. We've got Cedriced.

Also, I feel like we had Natalie and then she broke off into her own thing. Yeah, totally. Yeah. It became a bigger thing. Yeah. There's a little bit of the fear of what I don't understand involved in the way I feel about clowning too. Really? Yeah, there's a little bit of, yeah.

I know my gut visceral reaction when I watch this. things though and what I think is good and what I think is bad and I don't feel that clowning is gut good. David, I think you'd hate it. Is gut good? Come on. Gut good. I've found just within the last five or so years of my life that a lot of the things that I had a gut reaction to not liking or that I thought were stupid, I've now come around on.

Is this a kayak thing? Huh? That's for me. Kayaking? Is you used to think kayaking was stupid? Stupid's maybe not the word I would use, but yeah. I've never thought kayaking was stupid, but I've heard you talking about wanting to get into kayaking. and I would love to go with you.

You know how many times I've YouTube a 300-pound kayak? You can do it. I know. When I was full-sized carms, I kayaks. You've got a cartful. Come on. Cartful of possible kayak?

Me and Canane were kayaked down like south of Long Beach. There's this place that's kind of like the Venice canals a little bit weirdly. And we like put a bunch of beers and the kayak and just kayaked around and drank beers. It was lovely. You are a fact. guy who really is embraced, not anymore. Yeah. But like, I remember when you told me that you could scuba dive,

I didn't even put fat guys in that together because you told me that when you were fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you were like, me and my dad scuba dive. And I was like, whoa. Yeah, fat guys can scuba dive. It's just you got to put a lot of extra weight on, but you can get down there. Absolutely. You can get down there.

Whales dive. Self-contained underwater breathing apparatus. Scooba. That's scuba. That's scuba. That's what you know that. Kayaking, you should go to Catalina Island with your stinky wife. You got to relax.

You got to relax. You were just with her. She smells great. She smells great. They took a helicopter. Oh, we did just take a helicopter to Catalina Island. Did you really? She got me there for Christmas.

Oh, I feel like you could kayak around there. So I'm like you could see like seals and shit. That'd be dope. Sea life so much. Me too. It's so beautiful. I don't spend nearly enough time at the ocean. I always feel very energized by the sand of like a boat engine going like.

Bluibbibbibbibbibb. It's so good. And it's like... You like that sound in particular. It's like the pace of life that even... When there's a lot of ocean life, it doesn't overwhelm me in the way that other terrain does. Yeah.

You're crazy because they're playing a steel drum song. You ever been to like a jungle and you're like, oh, this is scary. I've never been to a jungle. Or like deep in a forest. Yeah, this is scary. But like I was thinking, when we were in Monterey the other day, not Sharpie's wedding, two years ago.

When we were in Honor, I was thinking about it, like, we're standing on the pier and there's just like fish and pelicans and otters and everything's going on at once. And I was like, this is a lot, but this pace I appreciate it. Totally. You're smoking a pipe. Gazing out to the sea. We went on that catamaran with the glass bottom, didn't we? We didn't say the bottom.

We didn't say it was bottomless. We said the pussy was out. You didn't like it? The catamaran's pussy was out? See, now this is, now I have to explain the whole bit. Nah, I get it. Let's get to balls. Let's get to balls.

In Canterran's, because he is out. It's because of the Nas thing. Yeah, don't say the car stopless. I won't say that, Nas. No, I never, I had a couple gets tried to pull that off. Like, let's get the tities out. I'm like, no. Where did you say top down?

The top down. Called a rag top. You're already a kid with a convertible. You're already doing too much. Yeah. Like, chill out. Damn, I got to listen to Nas. Yeah.

I wouldn't start at that song. Nass has a lot of cool idea. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't Nas own a, sorry, own a restaurant? Yes, sweet chick. Sweet chick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really? Yeah. What kind of food is that? Yeah. Fried chicken, like chicken and waffles. Okay. Pretty good. Pretty good.

Pretty good. Pretty good. Pretty good. You know what place I like is fixins. I don't know. Where the hell? Downtown. Fixins.

Is there a chicken place? Mm-hmm. I do like, I like fixins as a general thing. It's so good. Fixins are often my favorite part of the meal. Me too. Yeah. Is sauce a fixin?

I think you fix it up with sauce. I mean, what cheese and I could probably make a meal out of fixin. I think Fixins is like a red bean and rice, like a mashed potato. That's what I think of a fixin's. I was thinking of like green onions. Oh, green onions. Like, you know, they're like, you know, they're like, they're like, You got a little bowl of green onions.

You got a little cheese. Those are toppings, right? So is a topping a fixer? Is that a topping a fixer? I think it's topping a fixer. I think the fiction is a prepared dish. You can't cut up a fixin. And all the fixin.

You know what? You can cut up a topping. And all the fixes. You know what? I think you might be right. I think I was wrong here with the mashed potatoes and the red beans and rice. I think fixin's is a cutrement.

Mm-hmm. What is a mashed potato then? Side. Side. What's the difference between the side and a fixin? A fixin is what you fix up nachos or baked potato with. So you can put fixings on a mashed potato, a green onion on a mashed potato. That's a fixin on a potato?

Yep. Yeah, because a potato can be the meal. The baked potato can be the meal. There's a jazz club called the baked potato. Works it in every time, doesn't he? Three podcast in a row, right? You feel, you know how exactly I feel about potato jazz. I told you that in the car.

I told you that in the car. Dave Brubek? We should go to the baked potato. It's really cool. Really? It's great. I love that place. The potatoes are honking.

I don't like big potatoes. I don't like baked potatoes like that. You would like, I kind of think you would like these. Not really. Potatoes kind of, I don't. I don't, it doesn't. I like sweet potatoes, but like as a, even as I get older, I don't even really fuck with, like, fries anymore.

I just don't. I don't fuck with fries. These are almost less, the potatoes is almost incidental to what you're eating. There's so much fixing in there. There's so many mashed potatoes. you can put on your baked potato. There's barely like... There's macaroni and cheese in there?

Yes? You can get like an orange chicken baked potato there. It's crazy. See, now that sounds... That's a dish. That's a dish. That's fully a dish. I could miss my flight. I'd call it a dame.

How come... How come... You don't want that? A dame. Keep it yourself. She's a dish. I don't have fun with my friends anymore outside. The end of the day.

Get serious. Have we turned our back on casserole? No, man, I like casserole. Absolutely. E. Casserol rules. Casserol should be like segregation. We don't do that anymore. It's disgusting.

It's all 80-year-olds clinging on to it. It's full of corn flakes. Wait, what is casserole again? It's a tonnish. You're nailing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It can be anything. It's a lasagna of other kinds.

It's a non-Italian lasagna. Oh, I'd call it a Scandinavian lasagna. A continental lasagna. Hot dish, you know, like you just, you bake it. A casserole gets baked. It's in a glass. That's nice. It's often cream-based, right?

We would do a cheesy turkey casserole in my house growing up that was like noodles, cream cheese. There's some peas in there, carrots. That feels very northwest to me, casserole. It was cold out. It's Midwest, too. Yeah, they're in. Gula, you make a nice goulash casserole. The bay wasn't doing casseroles?

Not to my knowledge. They were kick flipping down three stairs, and they're, Jincos. How'd you like that? Was that from my joke? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's early Clinton. 12 years ago? Wow. That's crazy. Isn't it funny the way you can remember? Like, I can't remember my own jokes from like three years ago, but you can't remember

your friend's best jokes. I remember every one of Shane's that he's ever written as much as he wants me to forget. Well, he makes it easy because he has the same delivery every time he does it. You ever use your ex-girlfriend's shampoo so you don't feel so alone. Was that? Yeah, I mean either. Yeah. You ever wash your hair with your ex-girlfriend shampoo

so you don't feel so alone? Yeah, me either. Yeah, it's like a beautiful song. It's funny. I texted my brother, I love you, and he texts me back a meme of a wolf that said, bring me fouchy. That's like one of my favorite jokes, period. I love that, man.

I do too. Sean Jordan is here. Sean Cougarmel and Jordan on Instagram. Now, this one comes out in April. April 30th. April 30th. April. Just so the listener knows,

it's February 25th right now. So much can change. This is far ahead as we'll get. But I got another. Go to the website, hop on the Patreon. You know, thanks. Thanks for listening.

Claire, if you have any dates that come up between now and then, we could also just let us know and we'll drop them on the top. I got a show. At the moment, I have a show every Tuesday at UCB,

Franklin and LA, but that might not be happening in April. We'll see. We're going to see. We'll see. We'll see. Keep your ears up. We did a show together last night. Yeah, it was really fun. It was so much fun. He did so good. East Side is back. It felt like the East Side was back a little bit. It felt like

2014 was back. Really? It really, the lineup was like me, Ian, Sabrina Jalise, Solomon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The Jonah Ray's hosting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it felt good. It did. It's a highland part. Mark. Yeah.

It really felt great. And everyone was so good. I don't know. Everyone was. You were so fond of. Thank you. Appreciate it. David Borey's here.

Cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram. What the hell? Sitting right there. It's me, y'all. I like David sitting next to one of his waybacks. Yeah. Day one. Oh, I forgot my Instagram handle.

Oh, well, we'll come back to you for the officials. Okay. Don't forget it. Where can people see you? I'm about to turn 39. Oh, yeah! That's right. Watch my don't tell.

Sure. That's what I got. Seco de Mayo. Yeah, single to mile. I don't have any dates on... Dude, I got to get back to Giddon. I don't have any dates on the calendar. I haven't even been trying to tour.

I bet by the time this drops, there'll be quite a bit of information. We will, yeah, we'll have some dates out. AFE, too. Oh, AFE too. I mean, but I got to go on my... I got to do stand-up again. Do you have to. I will spiral if I completely stop it.

Yeah, I know. You know what I mean? It saved my life. I think it's fun. I mean, in my nuts, everybody's, I have a great time doing it. I like it too. I love it. Most of the time.

You live in Oregon. You're the cock of the walk. Yeah. You get to be the cock of the walk. I guess I'm not down here in the big pond. I'm still in the French. Not every night is a Joan or A show from 2014, my friends. But you know what?

I'm still doing shows for chicken wings. They're not all gravy up there. You say those two ideas just didn't make sense together. I'm doing shows for chicken wings, not only gravy. Especially coming from you. You have to end up showing there like, here's a bucket of gravy. I wouldn't be half mad about that.

You'd be ecstatic. Are you kidding me? I love gravy. A bucket of fixes. I love gravy. I do. Gravy's dank as hell. KFC gravy best.

Yep. Yeah, that's a good gravy. What? The gravy for biscuits. The pensive. I don't know about all. I don't think KFC has the best anything. No.

Okay, it might not be the best. It ain't the best for your body, but it'll... No, no, no, no, no. I mean, even flavor-wise, I don't think KFC is the best. Yeah, I'm with you. I'm with Popeye's over KFC. Yeah. What's the difference?

Oh, there's a cool. Hey. Give me one of those gut rot bowls for days from KFC. I'll take that. I remember I put a bunch of pennies in my roommates. KFC bowl once. It was so funny. Oh, you got the penny bowl.

You've got Lincoln's Delight. So keep an eye maybe towards the top of this podcast that came out. Claire O'Kane is here, though. Happy to be here. Not only potentially Tuesdays at UCB here in Los Angeles, but where else can people see you

social media-wise or otherwise? At Claire is O'Kane. That's my Instagram. That's all I got for now. Wonderful. I just said, totally. told you guys I'm going to stop paying for my meta account so I'm going to lose my

check mark. So hopefully this gets me my check mark back. Can you tell people to watch that short? That was really funny. Oh, you watch a short? Yeah, you showed it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I've watched it again since because you put it on your, I get your substack. Oh, right. Even though I unsubscribed from substack, but I still

get yours. Oh, that's weird. Oh, Claire on substack there. Follow me on substack. Yeah, and watch the short though. It's really funny. Watch my short. I have a short called Waddle. At this point, I did have to put it behind a page. wall, which is interesting because someone recently posted it on like a Mr. Skin type website.

What? Because I am nude in it partially. There maybe are people who have been waiting for that to drop from you. I think they have decided that they like that, but it's not sexual in any way. It's really sort of the opposite of sexual. But it's just like there's tits in it so people the guys need to know about it just for the archive.

These Mr. Skin Freaks, I almost think it's academic for them. It really is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There were like discussions in it about other pieces of cinema. Yeah. In which people were being, women were being presented in that way, nude. But they liked it. And so now I put it behind the paywall and I'm getting, you know where you could,

where you see like where people are clicking from? Yeah. They're all coming from that website and they're paying me however much a month to just see that one thing. Not so bad. Yeah, money's money. So if you feel like getting freaky. It's also really fun. And it's funny.

Go ahead and watch it while you're there. David didn't come from Mr. Skid. Oh, no. Oh, no, I was at the room. I was at the premiere. I mean, Carmel, I have nothing to promote at all. Read my book, T-shirt, Swim Club, listen to All Fantasy Everything.

And look out for some more AFF live dates, which hopefully will have dropped by now. We're playing the Meadowlands, y'all. We're playing the Giants. It's us against the New York Giants. I think I like our odds, you know? We have a lot of spunk. Yeah.

Yeah. Spunk, we're grafting balls. We're actually running a wishbone, which is exciting. Yeah, the dog. We're bringing it back. Who tells American literature stories. Did you ever run a wishbone? These are baseball games?

Nobody wants to talk about that. The wishbone is a football offense. No, we never. We didn't. But it's like, it's really outdated, but like when we were kids, I feel like they were still teaching it to kids because it was easy. What's the story with the wishbone? I played wishbone and mad.

Just take a little look. We would always do the two backs, the halfback and the full back. That was our, or shotgun if we were going on. You would do the swish bone where you would do a little mouthwash of them at one side of them at the other. We would do the fish bone bone bone bone, yarn. Ooh, fishbone. Now, the way we determine the order of our draft is with a rollicking game of rock paper scissorsers, play between the three of you and we throw on shoot.

All right, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. We got to go again. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Oh, Claire wins. Dabbing and big... Is that how you do it? Wishbone.

Take some notes. See, I do it like this. And they get mad about it. I do it sometimes. I do it really little. That's what I like. They get so pissed about it. Yeah.

That was awesome. That's different than what you do. What do you do it? That's too big. Yeah. You got to do it. Kids hate it when you dab now. They go, what are you doing?

I've gone for a while. It's funny when you piss off a like a 10-year-old with something like that. I love it. But they go, we don't do that anymore. And you're thinking, I know. That's what's fun. is that you're 10, and this is how I can get in your kitchen a little bit. I've been flossing.

Yeah, I've been flossing. I did just see you flossing in the hall. It's really funny now. I say to my nephew, I'll say suss all the time, and I'll just be like, is that suss, bro? And he just, he's like, we're done with that. They're done with six, seven already. Yeah.

It's over. It's over. It burns real bright. Things these days are burning too bright. Yeah. Yeah. I got, there's a bunch of stuff my brother sends me, but I, I think he might be a degenerate, so maybe we don't share it.

Some of the stuff he's, I'm like, this is, this is real fucking dark, man. He's lingo-maxing? It's even deeper than, like, I mean, I had talked about, like, the low curcendully. And, like, it's just like, it's like the stuff that you're mocking makes me worried. Right, right, right, right. But he is funny. He's probably the funniest one. He'll come, that's all right.

The little ones are funny, I think. Yeah. And the stuff I was joking about when I was 20 We said crazy shit. How old is he 20? Yeah. He's better than I was. Yeah, it was nuts.

It was nuts. Yeah. Claire, you won the game of rock paper. So what is it coming upon you to determine the order of today's draft? Before you do that, I want to remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? It's a great question. I imagine it's like using a fire extinguisher on a big fire.

Huh? Okay. I want her to not make sense. Back and forth. I think if I had a fire extinguisher, there was a big fire. I would start on the right and I would run the whole, I would span the whole fire and kind of go like this. I don't think I would focus on one point until it was out.

I think you do want to focus on one point until it was out. You don't think you would, but I think you might want to. The kitchen. Whole kitchen? Half the kitchen. Half the kitchen. You got to get out of there and get some pros. I got to save the house.

You got to run, dude. You better run. I got to save the grip. I got to save the grip. I left the insurance lap so I could buy some bush nests. Basically what it means if you pick first in the fourth round Or if you pick fourth in the first round You pick first in the second round

So it's one two three four four three two one With that in mind what will the order of today's draft be Okay Yeah Let's go you first Oh there he goes All right I almost never go first You second

Then me Sean You third Okay David and the fourth Let's make it easy for me visually Yeah, no, I hear you. It's an Ian Sean David-Clair order, and we're going to get to Ian's first pick

right after. Wait, who's in a carrot? He took a witch finger out of his taco. David's gone bug's bunny mode. You thought we weren't going to notice? I had a carrot the other day. I thought it was going to go smoother than it was. You can't smooth to eat a carrot.

There's one man who can eat a carrot. He's also eating it in a weird way. He just looks over like, you're eating it sideways. David's eating a carrot sideways. He's holding it from the ass. It's not gripping it Like one would normally would

You grip it Eat this carrot Eat this carrot Eat this kid Yeah It's floppy Is it a cooked carrot? Yeah

Kind of Everybody pause it and screenshot David's next time I don't know how you guys are hungry And shit We've been doing this for seven hours I've been slowly eating all day It tastes good

It's good I'm gonna eat two burgers A Guy Fiatis at the airport After this I'm gonna make my first pick Right after the short Greg. Today's episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Factor.

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I did not expect to have the first pick. Oh, yeah, well, you do. So I'm going to take testicles. Okay. You know, I feel like it's a first round talent. Claire, you don't... I almost never go first. I'm usually, for whatever reason,

I usually get put back at the end, probably 90% of the time. Interesting. I'm wilting under the pressure. I don't know what a proper first pick is. See, maybe that's one of that... I took balls. You took balls. It was second on my list.

What was first on your list? I had no strategy going into this, so... I thought I did, but I'm taking testicles. We need them for the time being. Yeah, they help. Yeah, they help. We need them for the time being. I don't love the games involved with them. They're pretty dangerous.

The games? Ball games. Oh, like Rochambeau and stuff? Or just like head game shit. Getting... that stuff. Oh, like flicking. Yeah, flicked.

Sack tapping. Just, I don't want to get any nut game. What was the one you said last show? Iran and Iraq that. Oh, Iraq and Iran. We're in the Middle East. I do think guys. I don't know.

And you say, Iraq and Iran, you hit him in the balls and run away. Why, Iraq and Iran ran? He used to be called racking someone if you hit him in the nuts. And then I ran away. Gotcha. Yeah. There is this. Running on your husband.

Clever. Clever. Clever. Clever girl. There is a certain kind of guy who will only giggle if you're playing a nut game with him, though. If you're like going in there trying to tap them, you know. I mean, he's got me giggling right there.

There were some guys who liked nut games too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it was like, you got a, this is not a great. I hope they figured it out what they were really looking for out of their nut games. You know what I mean? Like later on. But they were, what was your nut game max? High school?

Middle school? Oh, early middle school. I was probably tapped out of nut games. Yeah. It's just not like, there was nutball. going on and football, but I just watched. Yeah. Were guys ever talking about each other's nuts?

What do you mean? I don't know. I don't know. Certainly. Yeah, I would think more of the dick. Exclusively. No, I would say more nut than dick. Yeah, almost only nuts.

Well, because it doesn't. There's more ego in the dick. Yeah, that's why it's a lot easier to show your nut. Yeah. Also, that goddamn Ryan Reynolds movie fucked everything up for nut games. The chef one? Yeah. Oh, waiting.

Oh, waiting. Yeah. Everybody was everybody was doing that. Where there were like levels of showing your ball. to people. The goat, the brain. The batwing. In high school, people would, they would like spread their nuts.

Sometimes their dick across their wrist. Wrench, Texas belt buckle when you wrap your dick around your balls. The weirder guy who's like, look, I found a robin's egg. And he had both of his nuts and his hair. There was the hamburger where you separate your balls with your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And like kids were doing this to each other. Yeah.

So in that way, it's like there's so much you can do with them. It's pretty awesome. That's true for wrestlers. I mean, that was in the Big Brother video. back in the day. They did the watch. I remember that. We had a linebacker named Sean Simmons who would like do the nut thing. So our gym... Did he also wrestle?

No. No, he didn't wrestle. I don't think so. He looked like a wrestler, but I don't think he did. His wrestlers, they were always like putting their nuts on people's backs and stuff. Well, they're such... They're also in their body and they're so all over each other's body. But I guess just like... It might be the thing where they're like, I'm going to do this like I'm kidding because I have to do it for real.

Yeah. When we get Greco. Roman style in wrestling. I do remember finding out that they had to get Greco. Well, when they had to get behind each other. That's not Greco Roman. Isn't it? That's still collegiate.

Greco Roman? It's only upper body and like throws. Oh, that's where they're doing. I don't think you're really Greco Roman like that in high school. I'm talking about the one where they got to like get doggy style. And I feel. It's just a mount. It's just a mount.

I got you put your hand on it. And it's not doggy style. You're next to them. Yeah. Because that's how you hit a switch, right? Sorry for getting everything wrong. I was trying to say. Can I share my female perspective on balls?

Yeah. The testicle kind? I like them. Yeah? Oh, that's nice to hear. I like them. I think, you know, if you got a good set of balls sometimes, that's almost as good as a nice. Really?

Yeah. B over D? Not B over D, but just like, you know, aesthetically pleasing. I've seen one bigger than the other. I've seen three in one sack. Have you really? Wow. This guy named Alex Padilla.

No, that's so funny. Wait, am I thinking of the same person? I hope so. He lived in a... I'm thinking of Nick Padilla. Oh, no. Nick Padilla had two balls. Nick Padilla had two balls.

This guy had three balls. He showed him to me and the girls once. You got to show him. It was pretty cool. If I had three balls, I'd show everything. You have a bit of a responsibility if you have three balls to sort of share that with the world. Totally. I also heard a story recently about a guy who,

they found after he died they opened up his balls and they found two extra penises in his balls. Why'd they open up his balls, I wonder? Why'd they open up his balls, I wonder? Because he donated his two dicks in there.

He donated his body to science and then they, you know, they slice open everything just to look at it all, you know? I suppose just to see like, what if there's dicks in this one? And then there were. He walked among us,

unbeknownst, even to himself for all this time. It'd be like having a superpower are never tapping in. This is why you have to treat everyone you meet like they might be God. Yeah. My mom thought the crash chest dummies, dude,

had three testicles. That was a rumor in the mid-90s. Because the voice was so deep? Like a world of boy. Walls are also crazy because, yeah, they can change your whole thing. Do you, have you ever been like, those are bad ones, though?

There have been some that are stinkier than others. That makes sense. When guys shave their balls, I find that to be interesting. I feel neither here nor there about that. I don't love doing that. It's a very high wire act. Feels like you're flying a little too close to the sun.

And for what? You have to concentrate. Yeah, that's it too. And for what? It's not, they're not getting any faster. The balls? Around, maybe. Maybe up here's some maintenance, but you're shaving the balls?

Yeah. For who, Sean? for who for why? Sean's got big balls Is that true? He's a ballsman He's got like a What is it?

Is it your epididymus is big? Veracose. Veracococ sac I think they call it? I can't imagine I can't imagine it's still called that When the doctor, this is 20 years ago Dr. Ciddiagnosed him with yommos

When Dr. Dick and the ball brothers diagnosed me He got diagnosed on a state fair stage by the way. Stop right up. We'll tell you what kind of balls you got. Wait a second. So you have clinically big balls?

Yeah, there's veins that have descended from my pelvic area in there, which is like a fourth, I think, of people. And he's like, you could have surgery to get it corrected at some point if you want, because it could prevent you from having kids. But then we went through IVF and it didn't. Hell yeah. Like it strangles your balls or something? I don't know. I really don't know.

I didn't ask. I was so young that I didn't. I thought I had testicular. answer one day when I went in there and they're like no you're just you know they're just big Ida bad you're just cool well you know what else is going to be big is your first cool cool guy he did comment on how small my penis was in the same

visit I think it's just relative to the ball size yeah it's all just what neighborhood you live all the square footage is fine it's just you live on a block with millionaires build all these condos around my nice little house 800 square feet it suits me fine You can live there

It's got a shared gym Wait I forgot to show Frederick Weissman's picture Oh sorry That guy Football head That guy is football headed up We can move on to the ball

But I just Maybe we'll wait till the end There you go Yeah I see what I'm saying He looks like the guy from Six Flags Yeah

Oh yeah The Adventures of Young Six Flags Doe do Do you're a first picture on it I'm picking the New Year's Eve ball. Oh. Is that disco? It always got me in a good mood.

I don't think it's a disco ball. I think it's its own thing. That's different. Yeah, I think that's different. I think that's still on the board. It is the ball that is dropped. This is the ball that is dropped. That's what I'm running.

Yeah. For New Year's, it always lesser the older I get. But when I was a kid and when I cared more about New Year's, it was a whole thing. You love Richard Clark. Going, I did like Dick Clark's rocking New Year's Eve. Big Dick. Big old Dick Clark. Big old Dick Clark.

Dick and his ball. My grandma. My grandma. was a big Dick Clark fan, and I was a real little kid. We watched it. Why is it dirty, Isaac? She was a big Dick Clark fan. I never thought about how many times.

She loved Clark. How different ways you can see. Oh, you mean Big Dick Clark coming over? My grandma's. He's making himself laugh. Sometimes it's really good because, like, you know that he's going to laugh that way. The other day, I texted him, and I knew I was going to get it from him, and it made my week. When did you text me?

Oh, I texted. What was it? Tell me, Claire, Sylvie, see if it'd make you laugh. What was it? I know what it was. Oh, yeah. It was a, it was a, it was a emergency vehicle. And it said mobile stroke unit on it.

And I was like, this is going to kill Sean. I had to leave dinner. Laura came in and she's like, what's wrong? Oh, and I tried to explain it and it didn't, you know, she's like, okay. Yeah, but it didn't kill it. Carry over? All right, well, so come back in and finish dinner. You left dinner with your family to laugh at Mobile Stroke Unit.

Your original was the Erection Specialist. Yeah, that was when we were at brunch. Would that not make you laugh? We're at brunch. And all these dudes have on shirts that say the erection specialist on them. They were a construction company. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, that's good.

But they knew they were joking. Mobile Stroke Unit is like... They weren't joking. No, no, it was a crew. These weren't guys. They were construction... I know, but they had a sense of whimsy when they named the company. Don't you think or no?

Yeah, these dudes look real serious. They were not, they didn't look like they were wearing funny bonnish shirts. I know what you're saying, though. When they named the mobile stroke unit, they weren't, nobody was at the top being like, no, that was somebody like, we need a truck for when people have strokes. Right, for when people have a stroke, we need a mobile unit to handle that. Mobile unit almost makes me laugh. Here's my beef with the New Year's ball.

It doesn't explode when it hits the bottom. I wonder why they haven't done that yet. They should just do a different one every year. It just slowly goes down. Right? And they're just like, that's there. It should at least like crack open and then maybe like baby New Year comes out of like an egg. I'd like that a lot more.

What happened to January 2nd? Goes back up. Like do they take the ball? Is that ball always? It's not always there. It's a different ball every year. Or maybe I'm out of school here. But it does something different every year.

Like it lights up different every year. But I don't know why they haven't done anything else. They could. You were the only one of us who was in New York. Well, Isaac went to college there for a bit. but did you ever go see like the ball drop? That's like nobody does that, right? Yeah, yeah.

That's a tourist. Seems like a nightmare. You can't go pee too, right? Yeah, now you can't like go to pee. You're locked in like a little. You're just right there. And you can't see if you're, no, it's not anywhere near 30 Rock. Not super close to 30 Rock, right?

I don't know where it is. Yeah. It just seems nuts to go down there. Yeah. Because yeah, I've always thought that if you're by, if you're on the gate or whatever and you leave, it's hard enough to get back to the front of a show, you know? Yeah. I don't like that.

It's Times Square. I don't know, I just feel like big crowd New Year's Eve You're living on the edge When you live in New York you avoid Times Square anyway Yeah, generally You're not going there normally Let alone with the McDonald's What if you need some M&Ms?

What if you wanted to watch TRL and see what Carson was going to do that? There's a lot of discount US Polo Association What if you have to get passed over by Guy Cote again? Then you have to go to Times Square Oh man, if you were a guy code guy It all would have been different Just count your blessings You were not a guy

The New Year's E ball Absolutely Gave it time for your first pick Oh those red dodge balls Oh The sound that it would make When it hit you in the face It still rings

I can hear it Poying Yeah Yeah and it was just like Just like the perfect size For a ball I remember when you get one When it was fresh pumped up

And you were like, it's like having a pocket full of money. I could do anything. We have one. We smelled good too. Smell great. We got one from X. We have one. Have you hit it in the face yet?

No, we haven't played competitive dodge ball yet. Seems like you shouldn't be able to buy it. You just run and drill. You know what I'm in? Yeah. You can just go to the store. There were like three bucks. We had, we played four square at my school.

Yeah, we did. We had these bigger balls that we played it with. Okay. They were like big blue balls that were probably twice the size of those red ones. And if you got hitting the side of the head with that, you felt it. God, I used to remember. You ever have a day where you were just running the four square? Oh, it felt good.

Like, they can't get you. Did you guys have the rules? Like, no witchcraft, no black magic, no. Oh, that sounds very South Dakota. Wait, this is my dad telling me who I could date. No shi-histy-hime behavior. No MLK Day. Christy Gnome rules.

You can't do the Hasidic twist. That's what they called the twist man He thought Chubby Chekker was a Jewish guy Come on, baby That's a Jew That's a Jew We had all the rules

Did you have rules? No twisties or whatever No like double bounces, whatever Wallball had like crazy rules Yeah No waterfalls You never played wall ball You didn't play wabbles?

Oh is that like dodgeball Where you're up against the wall? You know, it's like almost handball. It's kind of like ragged ball with a racket. Yeah.

No, we never did that. Yeah, it's not about hitting body. It's not a precision. It was fun, dude. It was great. Anyways, dodge ball is my pick. That's a really good one.

Yeah, those are great, classic ball. I hope the kids are still doing that. Playing dodge ball? I think they are. And like wall ball and four square, they got to be. We had a dodge ball resurgent

in high school. Like a bunch of, like, the athletes got really to dodgeball and then this guy who was a pitcher really fucked somebody up and then we didn't get to do it anymore when did dodge ball come out it sucked

it's like 70 miles now yeah it sucked and I remember because I remember when it happened because Sam Talt told me he was like Chris White just killed April Roarcasting now we can't play dogball anymore for both

no but like got her pretty good he didn't Simon Bircher oh he did Did die. Who? From Dodge Bull? No, Simon Birch accidentally.

I thought he died. No, he died. But someone's mom and Simon Birch dies by getting hit in the temple with a baseball. Oh, that's right. His friend. The hot lady, the hot mom dies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What a shame.

Wendy Peffercorn. Wendy Peffercorn. Frank movie. They should have just passed that name around. I haven't in different movies. Claire, time for your first and then your second. pick so there's a serpentine draft. Okay, I guess I'm going to go disco ball.

Yeah, that's a great ball. A ball where the light hits it, it's evocative. It kind of gets you feeling a little something. It's sexy. Absolutely. It's super sexy. The older I get, like when you walk into a room and that thing's spinning, you could be

anybody you want to be. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. I love it. I like it. But, you know, I will say, going against my own pick, A disco ball in a situation that does not call for it, that fucks me up. It's sad to see. It can come off very sinister. Yeah.

And it comes off like, maybe like, oh, dad's new apartment. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like it could get really sad really quick. Yeah. Yeah. No, it's cool. You guys just have to blow weed out the window. Yeah.

I smoke weed. Yeah. Yeah. But that is not the disco ball's fault. No. It's been taken out of it. It's like somebody who, like in Texas, one's a tiger at their house.

It's not the tiger's fault that it's there. Also, I bet when they first dropped, when they first dropped? When did that happen? And then that and that pure cocaine? Yeah. And the sound of the disco music? I bet you that.

That had to have a good time. A real glass mirror disco ball. It's like a piece of art. Yeah, it's amazing. It's like a chithooly. Chahoole? Chahoole. A cathooli.

Hulah. Chahoole. Hangy. It's just beautiful. Yeah. That's all I got to say. They were widely used in nightclubs in the 1920s. Oh, would you believe that?

Flappers under the disco lights. Flappers under the disco lights. So then, how did it come back in the 70s? I don't think they ever left. What was it called in the 20s? Because it wasn't a disco ball. What are now usually called disco balls were first widely used in the nightclubs in the 1920s. They're a pattern in 1917.

An early example can be seen in the nightclub sequence of the film Berlin the symphony de Gropstadt. That's complicated. Who's not watching that? But then I'm like why in movies of

World War II, you know, when they're off duty and they get to go dance with the women who live in France or whatever? Like, why am I not seeing any disco balls? You never see a disco ball when you're hearing. Do do do do do do do. Okay, so.

And then they made it through the 30s, 40s, 50s? In Casablanca, there's a disco ball and a flashback sequence. Okay. Interesting. That's interesting. I haven't watched Casablanca on a long time. Me neither. Never seen it?

I know it. Great movie. I know it because when I first watched, I saw it as a kid and I didn't have any interest in black and white. Yeah. And I was still like, this is pretty cool. See, I love, we talked about this. I love Nick at Night, like those old Nick at Night, Black and White shows. I used to watch those for days.

Love him. Donna Reed, my two sons, Dobby Gillis. Oh, Dragnet was coming. Dragnet was, yeah. Yeah, disco ball's a great pick, though. They are lovely to see. And they really elevate a room a little bit. They do. Where you seen a disco ball?

In your apartment, dude. In my apartment. He's got one. It doesn't come out when we're there, but he's got one. He's got a pound on the wall that comes down. Yeah, disco. We have one in our house, yeah. Do you really?

We have a little one up by, like, we have a little, like, above the sink. We have a nook with plants. And we got a little one up there. And then little rainbows all over the room. Yeah, it's really great. Like in the afternoon, it's really fun. It's really fun. Real West Side living.

Yeah, you really are. Summoning the spirit of Donna Summer to your townhouse. Yes. You can ring my bell. Ring my bell. I love her voice because it also sounds sad. Yeah, it can for sure. You know what I mean?

Powerful. Like I think about like flash dance and like. On the radio, it sounds like, her voice sounds like it's longing. Oh, on the radio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's on a summer. Yeah. There's that other, there's that Regina Specter on the radio.

On the radio. Remember? I don't know that one. Bangs. Oh, wow. Said it one more time. They said it on the line on the radio. That's all the summer?

Yeah, yeah. On the radio. Also, someone. Put the cake out in the rain. Oh, MacArthur Park. And I don't think that all is a recipe again. Oh, no. MacArthur Park, you're an L.A. native.

In Westlake? All right. Why is it so mean when you say so sometimes? I don't know what you're talking about. I'm sure out of dude. McCarthy Park and Westlake. Yeah, he used to live around there. Claire, time for your second pick.

Second pick. Lucille Ball. Oh, what's good good. I was watching I love Lucy on the plane the other day. That shit is funny. Yeah, she's really funny. She's like really funny. She's really funny.

And you know. Desi Arnaz? Not so funny. Not as funny, but together, there's something there. Yeah. I like Fred and Ethel kind of better than Lucy and Desi. They were really funny. They were really funny.

Well, I also forgot that Fred's whole thing was that he used to be like a vaudeville guy. Yeah. And then Ethel also was like. Mm-hmm. So, I don't know. It's just, she was just so cool And also there's a darkness to her Clearly

Did you ever do the Lucille Ball Comedy Festival? No I did it one time Where is it? It's in Michigan, right? No, Jamestown, New York And I'm up there

And the cab driver, I'm going to the thing The cab drivers tell me all about it And I was like, oh, that's pretty cool that they did this for her. He was like, no, she hated it here. She really fucking hated it. Really? Yeah, she had.

And then he said like, when she died, their family like brought her body back like she didn't want to be back there. And then they have the Lucille Ball like center. And then I have a picture where I was on the set of the original show. Wow. But then you feel like it's dark because you're like she probably wouldn't have wanted any of this to be happening.

They were brilliant too. Didn't they like invent three camera technique for sitcoms like her and Desi? Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. When I was watching it, I was like, wow, these are like, they got all the good angles. Yeah. It's like artfully shot.

It's fun. I don't know. Everything about it. She's so funny. Yeah. I watch the chocolate episode where she's stuffing them in so simple

I just want to be in the show too so I get it It's crazy that it's still funny You know what I mean? So few that like comedy Comedy doesn't hold up It's like milk a lot of the time And then that stuff is just still Like we'll make you laugh You know what else still holds up is girlfriends

I've never seen it? I've been watching it a lot Oh really? Oh the show girlfriend Yeah it's really good Wait who's in girlfriend? Tracy Ellis Ross She's so funny Yeah, one of those Kelsey Grammer joints Really? Yeah, he produced a bunch of black TV shows

Oh, that's right That's interesting That is interesting I didn't know that Country grammar He went to He went to Florida A&M, right? Yeah, he's huge at homecoming

He's like a drum major He calls it fair move But David, time for your second pick Pink pong balls. Oh, nice, yeah. You know what I like about ping pong balls? Because of the weight and the size,

they allow you to do things that are outside of your typical athletic ability. Feels like snake eggs to me. And just like they fly slower and stuff like that. So, like, it feels like you're like, you feel more savvy with a ping pong ball than you do a regular ball. Right. And I like that. You tell me you can dunk a ping pong ball?

Is that what I'm here? On you? On you? Just a poster of me getting run over. Has there ever been another type of ball that has been stuck up asses or pussies more than a ping pong ball? I don't think so. It's got to be number one.

I don't think so. That's the orifice ball. It's the orifice ball. It's the ball for your holes. That's what it says on the camp. That's what they should have done in fucking Marty Supreme. Put it in the holes? I think that was.

I think judging by watching that movie, I think he was only a couple years away from putting it in his holes for money. Fully. Like, I don't think it was going to work out the way he wanted it. I still haven't seen that one.

I know. Yeah. It's the one I haven't. Yeah. I didn't. I saw sentimental value the other night. It didn't make me go crazy like I thought I was going to. That was all right.

Yeah, it was a beer pong? Beer pong? You can draw a little face on it? Yeah. You put it in your mouth, blow it everybody. Jack in a box guy? I hate it beer pong. I hate it when then the ball falls on the floor,

gets hair on it, that people are thrown it in the beer. I hate it when people are good at beer pong because you're like, this also sucks. Yeah. Nobody thinks this is cool. acing you out at it.

And it was like, I thought it was whack in high school. I enjoyed it. You know what I mean? It was fun to play, but I never like slamming the beer. I'm like, I'm drinking plenty. I don't need,

I just, it's fun doing this, you know, but I didn't need to prove it. I could already, I could like, I'll just drink some beers while we're doing this. If I was already pretty drunk, I went pretty hard at some beer pong games.

Yeah. I probably came off. You know, yeah. Get really well into it. You know what it was? Beer pong was like when you came to a party, the guy running the beer pong was, table was always like a guy you were going to have a problem with. Yeah.

Like the guy who was too comfortable at the point. And he's like, this is my fucking cousin's house, bro. Right. The people that took it so serious, when it was going to be $7 for a cup. They scoop it like that and end up knocking shit. You remember that? Like no one ever, like, knew that guy. Yeah.

Like, he didn't come with anybody. That's what I'm saying. It was like, yeah. He's 24. Or guys who would, like, go out to play beer pong and you're like, come on. They practice. I brought my own cups. Yeah.

Bro my own cups. I came out to sell swag. That's why we're here. Cups with Punisher logos all over him. Sean Tumper, do a second pick. Snowball. Oh, yeah. A little Midwest.

What's your mix? You ever put some dirt in there? One big ass rock and then a thin layer of snow. I was just talking to Kyle about this. We'd put rocks in them and, I mean, go nuts. Damn. Yeah. Put rocks in them?

Yeah, that's the, yeah. We never did that. You didn't snow that often. It's diabolical. You guys are, you guys are from, you put rocks in snowball. I never put rock in a snowball. That's because you're from California. That's true.

You're from San Jose. We would, ideally what I like is that snow where it's about 35 degrees and it's malleable. It's not crunchy. And you get, you mold it up till it's just before. ice and then you throw it at like a stop sign or something. Because those feel like you get the most accuracy at them. They have a little weight, they carry. Those are a blast.

But they also blow up like, like you want a snowball to blow up. You put rocks in them, but that's like when you're bad. But like if you're trying to like, you know what I mean? You want them to blow up. Yeah, exactly. We all just want balls to blow up. Yeah.

That's true. The ultimate ball. I was always a little too. I had got too much performance anxiety with snowballs. What do you mean? I'd be like two feet away and blow it. You know what I mean? Oh, too excited.

Yeah. I'm like, oh, here comes. And then like it gets him in the leg. Well, did you ever have like improv, like in Colorado especially? It'd be like if it snowed during school, after school, like walking to the buses. Oh, yeah. It didn't sniping people.

It didn't snow along Oregon. That's okay. We would go. We would get it off the bus. We'd open the window and make snowballs off the snow on the roof of the bus and just throw it at the driver. You think about how a. knowing that would be. That's fucked up.

So pissed. Like, but what, they can't do anything. Because that's not, it's still not the worst part of that guy's day. It's just another low point.

Oh, we were just adding to it. Yeah. But it was, sure didn't tickle us. You didn't put any rocks in those. Do you ever whitewash kids? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. What does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? Or you do they either sneak up from behind and snow their face or just put them in snow. We do we get, you get one person to tuck their shirt in and then you pour snow in their shirt.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'll still do that. I can't walk up someone and, like, put snow down their collar. That's just a good old time right there. Or just, like, pick them up, throw them in a snowbank. Just, like, really get them bad. Right.

Yeah, snow stuff. Yeah. Yeah. They're weaker than you. Yeah. You need everybody to know that you're strong enough to do that to do that to you. Totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd tell my dad all about it. If anyone's getting hurt around here, it's going to be you, not me, like that kind of stuff. Yeah. Tell dad, he was too drunk to remember the next day and, you know, he still wasn't proud of me. Tell for my second, third pick. I'm going to rush I'm going to take my favorite ball here which I was hope I almost took it first

I'm taking the basketball That's what I thought you were going to take first I don't know how it made it I really well because I wasn't expecting my first pick So I got testicles and basketball Talk about Man talk about a ball that makes you feel cool Before you have to do anything with it

Yeah oh and then when you got to do something Yeah Yucks it Like when you hold it and you're like pretending to comet or you do like the just yeah but then yeah you gotta bounce yeah

everyone's a globetrotter until it comes down to it that's right I remember when I learn how to wait and when I watch above the rim and they're doing like the cross-ups where they're standing still but switching legs

yeah I learned how to do that and I would just walk I would walk like that yeah and then but I was never any good at basketball it always suck coming from a rainy country up in Oregon it was the primary ball because you could still like you wouldn't throw a baseball around outside football like yeah you can

yeah like in the coldestack we would still play baseball you go to the park and then school you like did it all the time. Yeah. But I was never good at it. I was just never good at it. But like I still love it.

It's my favorite sport to watch. Don't have a lot of funny stuff to say about the old basketball. No, basketball is fun to toss around me. I had a Sean Kemp basketball. Like green and yellow Sean Kemp basketball? Yes, dude. I'd wear it in my shorts set and just suck at basketball. You'd wear that out of the house though, right?

Oh yeah. Got my ass kicked in that. Pretty bad. That's okay, though. That's okay. I like the texture of a basketball. Yeah. The bumpy.

Yeah, it feels good. The black grooves. I don't like it when they get old though and they get like soft padded. I kind of like it. I don't like that color. It is a weird color. A worn orange. A blown out.

Yeah, it is an ugly color. Turns into rust. You're like, you're still here though. Yeah. You made it. You made it. Smooth basketball. You're just saying that.

The stories behind that. I also feel like this ball, if these balls can pop. I like it, because basketballs are the balls you feel like there's the most of. I feel like you're in situations with like 30 basketballs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody gets one. A bunch of basketballs everywhere. And my third pick, I'm going to take Baltimore. What?

Stop. What's that count? Is that count? I don't think. Baltimore? What's Baltimore? What's Baltimore? What's Baltimore? Let's see a ball count. Baltimore? Oh, Baltimore. Okay, I think that counts because when like, what team, what's the Ravens?

The Raven. The little, it's B-A-L. It is B-A-L. Yeah. So that almost counts. But then we could say like minute ball. No, that's minute ball. He's B-O-L. All right, guys, I'm the record.

I hate it. You don't want me to do Baltimore? If you don't like it. I'll do something else. I don't like it. The ballrog. The demon. Oh, the ballrog is that?

The ballrog is the demon from Lord of the Rings. You shall not pass. And he doesn't. True to his word. Oh, that's the guy who's not supposed to pass. Yeah. He rips games. He rips games.

all the way down to ladies with him. The Mnupu Bull. The Mood Bull Pasol? I didn't realize he had a name. B-O-L. B-O-L's Meneut-B-O-L. I was more of a bowl-ball guy. Ball-Bow.

You like Fall-O-O-Ragan-Legon. Also, potential nugget for a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And maybe again. The Balrog, dude. Is that okay? Yeah. I guess.

You're fine. Fuck it. No, no, no, no, no, no. Let's do it. No, no, no, no. Because it lets me open up my shit. I love it when it gets open. I'm taking the song Big Balls by ACDC.

Okay. Better? I like that a lot. Okay, great. I'm taking the song Big Ball. I've got big balls. I've got big balls. That song is crazy because you listen to it and you're like, I don't even think this is innuendo.

No, it's not. I think he's just saying it. Yeah, he's just saying it. He's Australian. He's a free. He's just like big-ass balls. He's talking about his big-ass balls. Some balls are held for pleasure and some, oh, no.

Oh, no. Some balls are. held for charity and some for fancy dress, but when they're held for pleasure, they're the balls that I like best. That's a lyric from the song. What do you think ACDC sounds like? That, I think, is a pretty good approximation of how he sings on. That's how he sings on that song. It sounds like if it was a cappella, maybe I could hear him sing him like that.

He doesn't sing like this. Like he doesn't sing like the other ACBC song. That's true. He does not. I don't think I've ever heard this song. One has never heard of the ball song? You're coming at me? Never haven't heard the ball.

That's how it's big, bro. It doesn't sound like shook me. I think I've only heard that stuff. It's different than that. He's like talking. I didn't know he had a different gear. My balls are always bouncing to the left and to the right. Those are actual lives.

You've never heard big balls? No. Oh my God. You're going to love it. I'll listen to it at Guy Fietti's while I'm done with a double fist and burgers. You're going to authentically love this song. Not like you're going to love this song. Listen to it on the play.

This is almost saying. old G levels of me being sure you're going to love something. That was a real hit. Direct hit. Well, Big Balls by ACBC is my song. I can't wait for you to hit. Or my pick. I can't wait for you to hear it.

We'll be right. Oh, wait, no. Sean, now it's time for your pick. Then we'll take a break now because we've got to wrap up in 10. Oh, that's right. We'll be right back with Moral Fantasy Everything. We're back with Moral Fantasy Everything. Sean Jordan.

Every time. Well, I want to party a little bit with my list. I'm going to pick Fireball. Ah, there you go. Yeah, get a couple drinks in there. Yeah. Not my favorite choice, but it's the only ball in it.

You're an adult. I don't, if I'm being honest. I don't mind. Now, if you get drunk from only fireball, that's rough. But if you have like a fireball in there, in the night, I don't mind it. I don't mind it. I can't. It's too sweet.

It is very sweet. It is very sweet. It makes me hurt. Same. It's like it. That's a guaranteed hangover. Yeah, it's just all sugar. But I like ciders, too.

I feel like it came out. We were too old when it already came out. Way too old. If it was out when I was in high school, like we had Southern Comfort. It feels like the same thing. I'm very lucky that Fireball wasn't out when I was in high school.

The Southern Comfort at least tastes like shit. Fireball, yes, that's too much sugar and stuff, but it doesn't taste like shit. Yeah. You know, you could see how Southern Comfort is wretched. Yeah. Do they still have that? Yeah, they do.

I get queasy when I see it. Oh, that was my first, that was the first, like, got drunk off when I was 14. First bottle I drank a, First thing I drank a whole bottle of this one. That burns. It's nasty. It's so gross.

Mixed it with Dr. Pepper, too. Even sweeter. You don't remember it was Parrot Bay. Yeah, rum. It was a rum for me. Yeah. Man, when that's all they got. David, time for your first pick.

A third pick. Bowling ball. Oh, that's a good ball. I love the way they, like, when you, when, I love watching them, like, kind of spin slowly as they go all the way down. Beautiful. Big Lebowski. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

That's so good. I didn't even think about it. It's so classic. They could have stuff in it. That's cool. That I love when that's like a rose in or something. Yeah, yeah. Figuring.

Yeah. Figuring had the rose in there. Yeah, man. I just, yeah, bowling bowl. Wow. It's so smooth. It's just so like, ooh. I love about half a game of bowling.

I get that. I get that. They should make half games. Yeah. They should make half games of bowling. I do, you're right. It's a little too long. I don't know. Sometimes I think they're too short.

I guess it depends on the amount of people playing. Yeah, because you're always playing. There should be speed bowling for like two, a group of two to four. We're just staying up there and hug the fucking ball like six of the time. Well, just like, because you ever play, you ever bowl, you get like a hour and you got like seven people. Yeah. And you get like a game maybe. And everyone's chopping it up.

No one's paying attention. Yeah. You got to be like, hey, David, you're up. And you're like fully in a conversation with someone about like a divorce or something. It is weird when you have like a task to do everything. Yeah. 15 minutes. I used to skip school and bowl a lot, though, and that was so fun.

I could see you being on, like, a bowling team. We just, me and my friends bowled a lot. We would just ditch school. Like, the bowling alley at, like, 2 p.m. Do you have a glove on? What? Do you wear the glove ever? No.

Bowling shirt? No. Would you ever fuck with a bowling shirt? No, I was too fat in high school. It was real on the nose. I thought, oh, two on the nose. I was going to say it's sort of perfect. Yeah, yeah, I bet you were.

But it's not on. I'm saying it's not a Hawaiian shirt It's the same thing It's adjacent But now in a dollhood A Loha shirt Yeah In adulthood

What I wear a bowling shirt? I guess A bit cheeky Yeah I'm not that good At bowling is the thing What if a shirt When a shirt has your name on it Are you kidding me?

I like that I like it better When somebody has It has somebody else's name Yeah That's pretty cool I'd like if you had a shirt That's a titsy on it

Yeah that'd be cool That would be cool Yeah. Well, maybe I'll work on that. All right. Claire, time for your third and then fourth pick. Okay. I'm going to go ahead and say, okay, so I'm trying to think like ball.

Are we saying like if it's a ball shape? Is that counted in all? Well, Baltimore doesn't. I think so. Shane Torres just texted me what high school did you go to in Colorado? Hey, Baba. Elizabeth, right? Yeah.

And Granview. Okay. I think, if I think where you're going, I think it probably works. Let's hear it. Boba. Yeah, that's all for sure. Temioka ball.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I like the way it squishes. You know, I normally don't like things in my drinks, but for whatever reason I could do a boba, especially if it's sort of cold. I don't care for the hot ones, but something about...

Do they pop? If you... I'm never... There's some that pop kind of like fish eggs. Yeah, they got those that sip. Have you been to the... that Utah soda shit? No, but I've heard about it.

Yeah, they got those. It's, fuck. All the girlies are going to sip. I'm like spitting it out like one of the bad guys in Mario, too. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, that is fun. Yeah, yeah. That is fun to do.

It's like, Ian, just stop. I'm driving. I'm doing it out of my son. One-year-old. Duck, did, dodge. It's great, and then they have their own straws. Which is also fun. Great.

It's like a fire hose straws. That thing is sad. Yeah, those things are sturdy. That is fun getting to just jam it in there. Put your dick in it. I don't like one that sometimes. Sometimes I've had the guy to do it. No, in a boba?

Got to. In a boba straw. I'm past putting my dick in stuff. I know you're not. What do you mean? Well, when with, oh wait, you just mean. In stuff. Anything.

In things, not people. Well, that's not. I'm past just, yeah, putting my dick in stuff. Yeah, yeah. I'm not doing that. Yeah, I guess at what point is that, I don't know, sometimes that's a lifelong journey for people. Oh, I stopped in high school. Finding, like, the perfect thing to put your dick in.

I haven't really started. I want to put mine into the Hollywood Walk of Fame. That would be so funny. That would be awesome. But you'd have to get balls in that, too, though. For sure. Yeah. That's how people know it's you.

Yeah. That could be anyone's dick. Is that Carmel? And your fourth pick. Okay I'm going to go ahead and say Crystal Ball Yeah

What's going on? I was the future I was telling a story Did you know the only time I've ever got my fortune told You paid for a man dressed as a woman to do it What We were doing a gig at It was when Anna

Worked at Beauty Bar And there was that West African Club around the corner and we did a gig early on Halloween and then afterwards I was all trucked and I was like Claire you want to buy me a beer and you were like

I'll pay to get your fortune told and you didn't buy me a beer you got my fortune told What did they say? They said I was gonna be really rich and successful There it is A more powerful kind of intoxication

Yeah Yeah you know There's time Yeah I'm on my way But yeah that's the only time I ever got my fortune told Crystal Ball

I still haven't Damn. I have never had it told through crystal ball just through other dumb shit. Tarot cards and whatnot. I never have either, I don't think. Fortune cookies is about the closest I ever got. Yeah. But that's tastier than Crystal Ball.

Yeah, you got to pay. You didn't have to pay for that. You could lick a crystal ball, I bet. I bet you could. If they had flavored crystal balls? I bet people are getting weird doing that. The University of Miami's head football coach is a Mario Crystal Ball. I bet he tastes like something.

If you lick him, you'll get something. Cocaine. We got a heart out Yeah, we got a heart out David Fourth pick Jawbreaker That's what I was thinking

It's so fun Did you ever see those huge ones? Oh yes I blew my tongue out on a Jurassic Park jawbreaker Blowing your tongue out You know you can blow your tongue out It's so possible to blow your tongue out

Yeah By licking a jawbreaker too much Raw tongue Yeah Yeah White tongue Yeah. Damn.

Had to go on the IR for a few days. We used to... Injured reserve list? Huh. We used, in elementary school, we'd like, people would bring jawbreakers, lick them, lick them, lick them. Not the whole thing, but like you'd lick them until you see the concentric. It looked like a planet diagram. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then people would save them and they're like, like, Ziploc bags. Ooh. Bring them to school. Is that girl? Is that girl school? Yeah.

Catholic Girl School? No, this is public school. Oh. That's a different stuff I'm going to paint a picture in your head there, boy Mr. Dunn's sticking my dick in things Whoa, whoa, whoa Sean Jordan

This is my buddy David Mr. Dunn's sticking my dick and things Like Not spelled the way you think It's all one word It's like work done DUNA I done stuck my dick in something

Sean Jordan Don't have your fourth book I want some candy too So I'm going to take sicklets. Remember those little things? Sixlets? Like little. Little Eminem.

Those little tiny little chocolate balls. Oh, yeah. They were, yeah, they'd come in a sleeve. I just thought of it after you guys were saying. Sicklets. Sixlets. Sixlets. Sixlets.

Sixlets. They were multi-colored. Yeah, I know what you're talking about. And they made, they ended up making them slightly bigger. So they weren't as feeble. Those little ones, you know, the whole sleeve would be like one bite. Yeah. But I want some candy on my list.

You'd wharf them right down. You'd wharf them right now. You'd have to crunch him and I'd wharf them. It's a good ball. Crunching your six, let's. I'm going to take the song, Ballin by Jim Jones. Can I take that? Yeah, that's that word.

We fly high. No lie. No do, do, do. Bowling. That was everywhere. I feel like we were sophomores in college when that came out, and it was obnoxious. We only listened to that. Yeah.

I was already doing stand-up when that song came out. Were you really? I remember seeing bits about it. Wow. God, bits about current rap songs. Now, what color was the person doing that bit? Huh? What race was the person doing those bits?

It was black dude. Oh, was it? Oh, that's surprising. Liar. Anyway, it certainly wasn't me, so let's keep going. Well, you're in it was Dr. Cornell West. I remember seeing bits of watching me do the bit on film. You know what I hated was when Tuchin said she got a big booty, so I call her

Big booty. Yeah. About a a f*** that's going on. Yeah. I like an actual

an actual name to it. I can't remember the dude's name Brandon's something. Brandon's son was the kids. He,

he, he, uh, get the shit out of my buddy. Oh. Oh, cool. Uh, time for my last pick. I'm going to take balls

as in like the big party with the gowns. Oh, a ball. Oh, yeah. A cotillion, if you will. A cartillion.

What are we on the Titanic? Yeah. Come to the top deck for a ball. I don't know that I've ever been to a ball. I like ball. I like a pride and prejudice ball. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, like a masquerade A comedy of manners. I don't do. I wonder

how do they all know the dances? Are they learning at the balls or are they practicing at home? These are things there. No, they knew the dances. These are like, they're going to do this dance. I bet you they found out like a month in advance. You said that with so much authority. Like there must have been a guy to cut

like a sort of Darren's dance grooves guy comes to your house to teach you the ball dances, so in society, you're like, you look better. I like to think of it like that Sheila's hip hop lady. Yeah. Well,

do it with a street flare. Sean, your final pick? Now, can I pick a ball pit? Yeah, yeah, I think so. I want the balls from the ball pit in the ball pit, so. Ball with the ball, the pit, the pit. But it sounded like I was getting ready to do.

Hey man, fuck you. Yeah, ball fit. They're dope as hell. Your final pick? Pearl. Oh, look at you. Miss. Yeah, nature's ball.

Pearls are crazy. It's nuts. Because it's come from sand. Yeah. My friend, we were in New Orleans eating oysters and my friend got a pearl. Wow. No way. Luke Walkfield.

Really? Wow. They depurl them, right? Are they supposed to? Clearly not. They could be like really tiny little. Yeah, it wasn't huge. Like a six-litz.

Like a six-lit size. And Claire, your final pick. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna say. Hell yeah. Oh, what was I going to say? Lay it on me.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, planet Earth. Wow. There she is. Ultimate ball. Nature's ball. Nature's other ball. The ultimate ball.

The ultimate ball. A big ultimate ball. biggest ball. We're all a part of this ball. Yeah. And we forget how big this ball is we sit on. Yeah. Spinning.

Beautiful. Probably the ball that David Attenborough is talking about. Sitting and spinning forever. We truly are. Isaac, do you have a ball? Soccer ball. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a good one.

Second favorite sport. Footy. I have to run, but I'm going to do this real quick. I went first. I took testicles, basketballs, the song Big Balls by ACDC, which you are going to love. Fallen by Jim Jones and a fancy ball. Sean, you went second. You took the ball that has dropped in New York.

Snowballs, fireball, sixlets, and a ball pit. David, you went third. You took the dodge ball, the red ball from dodge ball. Ping pong balls, a bowling ball, a jawbreaker, and a pierle. That's good. Claire, you went last. You took the disco ball, Lucille ball, boba, crystal balls, and planet Earth. Excellent picks all around.

Fantastic. Huh? Who took ball balls? What's ball ball? Festicles? Yeah. You took. Yeah, right up the bag.

It was number one. Yeah. So we talked about it for a really long time. Long time. A lot of ball talk. That was most of this. Yeah. I like balls.

Well, heck, hit us up with your balls at all fantasy podcast at gmail.com. Shout to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Shout to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Our wonderful producer, Isaac Haley, on the ones and twos. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frank Yosian. Sid the dude. Hodgeu beats.

More poor than all of that. Tune to get next week to another brand new episode of Will Ian Carmel get home in time to avoid his wife being mad at him. Balls. Balls. I would say ball fantasy everything. Oh! It's too late.

Shit. That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I am Mandy Moore. Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast. That was us now on Headgum. Each episode, we're going to go into a deep dive from our show.

This is Us. That's right. We're going to go episode by episode. We're also going to pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors. Are we going to cry? Yes. A little bit.

Are we going to laugh? A lot. A whole lot. That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to that was us on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.