All Fantasy Everything - Buff Dudes (w/ Michael Ian Black, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: October 13, 2022

It's Thursday again and it was just a matter of time. A matter of time before what, you ask? Before we drafted "Buff Dudes!" with Michael Ian Black! Get that protein shake ready and listen up!  Yo Portland, Boston, and New York! We're doing a live show in your city! Get tickets at linktr.ee/allfantasyeverything. Guest: Michael Ian Black @michaelianblack IG: @michaelianblack Podcasts: Obscure, Mike and Tom Eat Snacks Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, liveshows, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.    Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, a podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting buff dudes. Why are you looking right in my eyes? This is what I do on the Zoom. Do we usually do it over Zoom?

I'm looking straight in your eyes. You have no idea. With our guest, I forget. Usually Marissa writes this part down so i'm going off the top you you know him from stella from wet hot american summer from the state as the author of several books the host of obscure a podcast where he goes over books that he didn't write it's a very famous celebrity, Michael Ian Black. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me, as always, are my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey.

Let's get into it. this is all fantasy everything right wait no that's not what i say wait here we go you say welcome that's right i'll do it i'm blowing it welcome to all fantasy everything the podcast that is sitting on a couch on the third floor of a fancy hotel yeah it is nice man you can talk now okay good now we're in. All right. No, I love it. I love talking. Yeah.

I might get one of those afternoon drinks at that bar down there. Oh, there you go. Say that like that's a new term for you. A loose afternoon cocktail. I've heard of these afternoon cocktails. I'd switch it up a little bit and have a daytime drink. Michael Ian Black is here, and we're going to interview him about the milkshake that he's drinking right now. Walk us through it.

I really want a milkshake. that he's drinking right now. Walk us through it. I didn't really want a milkshake. This is supposed to be a chai tea latte, like frozen and blended, but it's just a milkshake. It's a milkshake.

It looks like a milkshake. That's all it is. I wasn't looking for a milkshake experience, but it is delicious. I danced under the name milkshake experience for probably three or four years before I took the weight off. Now it's harder to sort of get work under that but i did but that was me for a long time and i can't run away from it well nothing moves around anymore i don't want to see that no there's still a jiggle the room we're in right now it feels like we're

recording a podcast where we recap nancy meyer's movies i don't mind that at all softcore pornography yeah it's a nice hotel uh shawnis jordan is here sean cougar melon jordan on instagram yes sir uh how are you doing buddy we're at the we are at the 10 000 laughs comedy festival in person for the first time in a long time been a while i'm thrilled i'm stoked i'm having a blast i love everything about this city this is this is dope thank you thank you to everyone who came out to the live show Yeah seriously that was dope Thank you for the person that gave me that Atmosphere vinyl Makes me want to go get a record player just from that

And I won't but Entertain the idea briefly last night David Borey is here Coolguyjokes87 on Instagram He's not on Twitter He left Twitter I'm not doing it How are you doing?

Nobody ever asked me that. I feel like we're all working with eye contact in a weird way. Yeah, it's uncomfortable. Right? It's different on Zoom. I'm very comfortable. You feel good? But I'm also not really paying attention. Yeah, that's true. What are you thinking about right now? I'm thinking about the whipped cream.

They didn't ask me if I wanted whipped cream or not. They just assumed I would. Yeah. And so now i've finished the milkshake portion and it's really just the whipped cream and uh i'm just contemplating it as i slurp it up through my straw so you're slurping it so they assumed right yeah they were correct there it is like foley work that's not even whipped cream in a straw that's actually he's got like a stepping in gravel in a bucket and putting that through several different filters and it sounds like a whipped cream being drunk through a straw yeah i don't normally bring my foley guys with me when i tour but i knew i was going to be doing the podcast and i thought i might need some foley work done we appreciate that absolutely we uh six dudes though yeah it's

no it's a big team yeah yeah well it's union i mean you know i'm a union guy and so when i do my foley work i gotta bring the whole crew and you know they need rooms and they get yeah that's a second bus right it's a whole thing yeah it's very very fucking expensive to bring these guys well i've had some like it's worth it when you get something like this. And again, for the listeners, I can't stress enough, that is not a milkshake at all. Just six guys with no shirts.

I don't think since the golden era of radio, since the Phantom and the Green Hornet has this sort of level been reached. And we just thank you for doing it here on All Fans Say Everything. When you reach a certain caliber of fame, I think you're obligated to give back. And for me, the way I'm giving back is by bringing back, as you said,

the golden age of Foley artist. That's good. I don't even know what that means. I don't know what Foley means. Foley is like a dude who like... Canadian fella. Yeah. They make sound effects in movies and TV shows and radio.

It's just like a Foley person so like you can't like so if something sounds like a punch they might like slap a piece of meat you know what i mean or if they want like that's or or a horse trotting along a couple of coconuts guys do the horse trotting along okay they apparently yeah there's just a couple of coconuts they're really good at it. Yeah. It sounds like Ian making mouth noises, but in fact, it's a couple of coconuts designed to make it sound like Ian doing mouth noises to sound like a horse for the bit. And these are endangered coconuts, right?

Guys, do a tranquilizer dart through a blowgun real quick. So they got anything you want, they can do. They're good. All right. I was going to say, guys, do a goat noise. That's not a real goat or a person.

Okay, I get it. That's cool. All right. For that, they put a alto saxophone in a, like a thing of white gravy and blow it.

Now, what's white gravy? I don't know what, is that like full? White gravy's been in my dance for four years. Michael Ian Black is here. It's at Michael Ian Black on Twitter, right? Sure.

Yeah. You don't handle that account, right? There's no way. My account? Your account on social media. You must have a team. Yeah, I have a team. Sorry to even ask that.

Sorry to even ask that. A couple of the Foley guys do it. All my money goes to Foley, baby. That's all. Rico and the boys handle it. I should clarify. It goes to Dave Foley. My Foley team is a separate account.

Oh, that's a whole different thing. That's a whole different thing. All my money goes to Dave Foley. We were married once. And now I got screwed. I got screwed. It's the Canadian legal system. You're just on the coals.

Oh, God. He just raked me over. And now I'm just... Every penny. I've heard some stuff. And I shall say no more about it. We had a very, very good six weeks. And it was worth it.

It was worth it. When you look back on it you'll be like i'm glad i had the six you know people are here for a reason in the season and that's kind of what all fantasy everything is here to remind people uh where where can people so you've got you've got obscure with michael and black which is your podcast yeah which is the only other podcast as far as we're aware i also have a podcast called mike and tom eat snacks yeah which is me and tom cavanaugh for a while right years and years we took several years off okay yeah and now we're reviewing snacks again what are some of the snacks well the most recent one was uh

just yesterday we did you know those cookies that you get on delta yeah dog you're my stroopwafels or biscoff biscoff okay okay yeah yeah not the story we were just talking about stroopwafels or Biscoff? Biscoff. Biscoff. Biscoff. Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not the Stroopwafels. We were just talking about Stroopwafels like two hours ago. The Biscoff cookies. Yeah. We just did those. And then the week before, we did Cheez-Its Puffs, not Cheez-Its. Oh, yeah. Cheez-Its Puffs.

No, I love a Cheez-Its Puff. They stick to your teeth less, the puffs. They do. And I think I've discovered that I prefer a puff to a traditional Cheeto. I'm with you on that. But that was a surprise for me. I didn't expect it going in. I'm always very skeptical of advancements in snack technology.

I feel like we've got our heavy hitters. Give me all of them. Give me a gummy pizza. This guy's out here drinking whatever Mountain Dew. Yeah, he drinks Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew. Anything they put out, that guy's going to put it down the gutter. I am. They mark it to me. You're specifically a Mountain Dew guy? they put out, that guy's going to put it down the gutter. I am. They mark it to me.

You're specifically a Mountain Dew guy? He's a Mountain Dewman. I'll try it. Almost anything that looks cool, I'm like, yeah, I'll give it a shot. So in your definition, Mountain Dew looks cool. It does. You look at Mountain Dew, you're like, that's fucking cool. I do.

I do. I like all the jagged edges. Oh, I thought you meant like the liquid itself you like the logo i like i like everything about it i think it tastes good but i only take like you're wearing but what's weird is you're wearing mountain dew colors yeah man that's not out here you're wearing mountain dew green socks why didn't get beat in for nothing your sweater is a variation of a mountain dew theme if you combine those two colors it would turn into mountain dew color that kind of thing you guys are gassing me up.

This is tight. You're the asshole who thinks Mountain Dew looks cool. I'm just telling strangers at the grocery store like watermelon. Well, yeah, give me a couple.

You know anyone combined with watermelons? One to rock, one to stuff. I just keep one in the fridge. What was your, what sort of consensus did you come to on Biscoffs? I love them.

I celebrate that cookie. Tom rated them much higher than I did. You don't care for it. You go out of 10 or what? I think it's fine. It's 1 to 10. I gave it a 5.5. That's actually probably perfect.

Do you like the cinnamon? Are you cinnamon? Cinnamon? As opposed to what? To my knowledge, they only come in one flavor. Cinnamon or war? What would you pick if you had to pick one? I'll take the war.

No, war. No, war. Or war. Bloody war. I guess. So it's I'll take the ore. No, war. No, war. Oh, war. Bloody war. I guess, so it's Biscoff cookies or war. I'll take the cookie. Okay. Every time.

Well, sometimes, I mean, the war saved our people in World War II, if you forget. Sure. Now, all of a sudden, you're taking it. WWE, the big one? What people is that? WWE, the big one. Sure, but. Comedians?

But if there hadn't been a war. Yeah. There would have been, we wouldn't have had save anything well i guess well i guess just internally speaking if he had just gone and said um you know what i'm going to take these folks right and i'm going to get rid of them i guess we did need the war i think you're right what if hitler just would have if hitler would have denied our people biscoff cookies it's still a trauma but maybe a better one well maybe you're wondering you're probably thinking yourself but biscoff cookies didn't exist in in during those days guess what guys lotus foods which makes biscoff cookies get them 1932 founded in 1932 and you can trace the

rise of nazism directly to the invention of the biscoff cookie and several scholars there it is upset they're they well said. They used to make Biscoff cookies and Zyklon B. Then they ended up splitting into two different companies. That's what the B stood for. It was Zyklon Biscoff. Zyklon Biscoff.

A name I used to dance under. He won 418 games for the Chicago White Sox. I won $418 in my first dancing contest. So they can hear you reviewing snacks. They can hear you talking about books. They can read your books, both for children and adults. We met your son, Elijah, just a few moments ago.

Was that the son to whom your last book was addressed? That's right. In fact, I think the first to whom your last book was addressed? That's right. In fact, I think the first two words in my book are, dear Elijah. Yeah. Not call me Ishmael? No. I felt like that had been welled up a little bit just now. That's awesome.

He welled up a little bit? I cry a lot. I almost just started crying when you said that. He's a sweet, emotional boy. Yeah. Yeah, why? Why did you get emotional? Because it's sweet, the dear Elijah part. I i have a young daughter so now everything hits me way different

and that just hit so it was cool didn't mean to derail everything i have an old daughter and i don't feel anything how old is she i was lying liar we're out here having fun we're in a hotel lobby the vibe is mellow we're sitting on a casting we're sitting on a casting couch feeling very comfortable. Now, the reason we are gathered. Oh, I'm Ian Carmel at Ian Carmel on Twitter, at Ian Carmel on Instagram. See, now you can see me doing this.

At Ian Carmel on the Jewish Zyklon Biscop app. Or just catch you every night on the soon-to-be-deceased James Corden program. Somebody blew up our lunch today. We were talking and a woman just came in and she's like are you ian carmel it was hilarious dude janet it was a real star of that show it's me yeah yeah

he's fine you know what i mean he's fine well i wouldn't take anything away from him i mean he's very talented he's very likable yeah but in terms of like star fact star power i feel like that's you if you want that needle move there's one guy you call and he's sitting here on this couch right now it's me yeah uh i feel like that i feel like i i have my hands all over that thing is you've had a whole arc on that show yeah he's just been the same guy charming affable british guy yes yeah it doesn't change, though. It's not dynamic. No, it's not dynamic.

They've been training you to be manager. You're working all the departments. I'm working all the way up. And wait until you see the turn that we have sort of for the last six months of the show. You're going to start taking that union-mandated 15. I'm going hard right. I'm going far right. That's smart.

301. I'm going like- A lot of money in that. I'm trying to outflank Gutfield. He's going to Hungary. Yeah. I'm going like Hungarian. I'm going like- I'm wearing like a lot of money in that. I'm trying to outflank Gutfield. He's going to Hungary. Yeah. I'm going like Hungarian. I'm going like,

I'm wearing like all Hugo boss. I'm going like weird far, right? Uh, CBS hung, hung wearing the Hugo boss. I'm going to be hung wearing the Hugo boss. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, so look forward to that. That's going to happen around December 12th is when I start that journey. Absolutely. Uh, CBS every night, 1237 and on YouTube.

Uh, listen, all fantasy, everything that's fucking it. Oh every night, 1237 and on YouTube. Listen to all fantasy everything. That's fucking it. Oh, I'll be in Portland, Oregon, November 18th. You can come see me there. We'll be at the Wilbur Theater December 15th and the Bell House in Brooklyn December 16th, the very next night. Tickets still available only for the second show.

Do you have any dates you want? We always do them up top. When does this show come out? This will come out this Thursday. Okay, so I'm in Burlington, Vermont this coming weekend and then I think Chicago the following weekend. Who are you playing in Chicago?

I don't know. Oh, the Den Theater. Oh, that place looks great. I've never been there. I've walked by the outside and gazed in like an orphan boy with his nose pressed against the bakery window oh you're really selling it yeah frosted joy in my eyes but hunger in my stomach you know what i mean a christmas goose being walked by i don't know why it's at a bakery but they got an oven so you got to cook a goose somewhere the reason we're here today is not to

sort of paint a vivid picture of Dickensian England, but rather to fantasy draft buff dudes. This was an idea I had when, I don't know if you recall, when we worked together at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon, low all those years ago. I think it was you, me, and Ron Funches. That's right. We just talked about, I think, bodybuilders.

Oh, did we? Yeah. That doesn't surprise me. I had gone to high school with a dude who became a bodybuilder, and we just sort of all had our minds blown by the concept of bodybuilders oh did we yeah that doesn't surprise me i had gone to high school with a dude who became a bodybuilder and we just sort of all had our minds blown by the concept of bodybuilders it's just insane that these dudes are out there walking around just buff as fuck one of the dumbest dudes i went to high school with is a bodybuilder that makes sense did we all go to high school with a bodybuilder i yeah i went to high school do you think yours is natural because mine is he's roided. No natural bodybuilder.

That's just not a thing. There are people who compete in natural bodybuilding. A lot of them are not natural. But just like, you can't become a professional bodybuilder without doing steroids. You don't think there's a big natural out there? No.

Not in the way that you would think of like a bodybuilder because i don't even think no one who's like got that v look with the veins like bulging out like that yeah you can get that natural but you can't but you just can't get that kind of mass like the leanness and the huge mass yeah you can't get that without writing up i mean look at me i'm juicing yeah you're choosing hard show you're shaking he's actually shooting steroids like while we're recording this and the level of control is like amazing because you get you you get so used to it at a certain point you don't even feel it right uh and i'm on such a strict cycle like every 45 minutes i have to be injecting myself with

something yeah right three like i like i know east germany doesn't exist anymore the soviet union has collapsed but like three east German dudes have walked up to you during this podcast recording already. We're like 10 minutes in, 20 minutes in, giving you a small brown paper bag and then sort of scurrying. Well, the second bus is for the Foley team. The first bus is me and my guys. Yeah, the Juice Boys.

The Juice Boys. Do the Foley guys and the Juice Boys ever throw down? They ever get into it? You're like, boys, guys. Oh yeah, guys and the Juice Boys ever throw it out? They ever get into it? You're like, boys, guys. Oh, yeah. Rico and the team. One team, one dream, guys.

Juice Boys. You got to run out the rumble floor sometimes. It sounds like that could be a Willie Nelson cover band. The Juice Boys. Juice Boys. Absolutely. Yeah. For kids.

It's like a Willie Nelson cover band for kids. Yeah. The Juice Boys. Where they kind of kids bop all the lyrics. And then for synagogues, the. Yeah. The Juice Boys. Where they kind of kids bop all the lyrics. And then for synagogues, the Juice Boys. The Juice Boys. Yeah. Hey, you said it.

Yeah. We're half Jew here right now. Feels good. Once again, I used a term for Jewish last night that I felt uncomfortable with. I'm not talking about Jewish stuff anymore. What was it again? I don't remember. I said that Dulce, I had seen her on a Jew hunt.

Oh yeah, she goes Jew hunting. Sexually. She likes to have sex with Jewish people. And I was like, I've seen you out there on a Jew hunt. And everybody got... But it was the best. And I still maintain this. Best use of that term.

It's fantastic. It's the best way that's ever been used. How did your blood pressure feel when you heard the words Jew hunt? It elevated. I definitely spiked for a moment. It could have just been the milk chick. I don't know. It might be the wind. A lot of things that are coursing through my blood right now. It could be all the

Jews. But I definitely felt it when Jew hunt came out. But to be fair, I didn't feel a thing. I actually calmed down a little bit. I would have said it about Puerto Ricans. I would have said it about Dominicans. Doesn't roll off the tongue as well, though. A Puerto Rican hunt doesn't quite roll off the tongue. A Dominican hunt sounds kind of good.

Sure. Yeah. Dominican hunt. That guy also played for the Chicago White Sox. Yeah, he's great. Pitcher, right? Yeah, pitcher. Yeah, he was fantastic.

Yeah, great. Only three fingers on one of his hands, but not the throwing hand. So yeah, unlike Mordecai, three fingers. Yeah, he's like a pineapple Mountain Dew too. We're here to draft buff dudes, and the way we determine the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you. And we throw on shoot.

Throw on shoot. Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot. So here we go. Rock, shoot. Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot. So here we go. Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot. I win. Sean Jordan wins. That's exactly how he won last night. It's a natural.

It's a natural V. If it ain't broke. Don't fix it, baby. Sean Jordan, as you are the winner, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? It's a great question. draft before you do that i will remind you what is a serpentine draft and what is that it's a great question it's like standing in line at the bank say uh where they have like the ropes and

you have to go like from left to right go forward a little bit right to left forward a little bit left to right and then uh you know forward a little bit right to left and then you're up and you get a little a little dum-dum sucker and uh you ask how much is the lowest amount of money i can keep in my bank and still have it stay open. And then they tell you and you're like, all right. Mountain Dew only costs a buck twenty nine, baby. I mean, if you're getting that kind of Mountain Dew, it's like two bucks. I go to the

upper end Mountain Dew stores on the big side of town. My big bottle on the big side of town. Ric Flair, dude. He sorry. Sorry. Basically, what that means, sorry, sorry.

Now, basically what that means, if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second, serpentine draft. Sean, with that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? Let's go around the horn. Myself, Michael, David, Ian.

Hot corner. Nobody could hear it. Hot corner. All right, here we go. Sean Jordan, you have the first pick in the buff dudes, all fantasy, everything fantasy draft. And we will get to that pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy, everything is brought to you by schedule 35. Now microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it.

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It just comes in a nice little box. And it comes with a microdosing regime that keeps you on track. So you start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code ALLFANTASY at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code ALLFANTASY. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed, except, of course, for Obscure with Mike and Liam Black and Mike and Tom Eats Snacks,

where he was recently whelmed by biscoff cookies they're well was it just one was it just biscoffs in that episode or did you touch on anything else and don't fucking duck the question i the the the premise of the podcast is we use a system yeah the per system pick a snack eat a snack rate a snack yeah generally you're just picking one snack okay so it was the Biscoff. It was a Biscoff solo episode. That was it. All right.

I like it. All right. But we don't go for an hour and a half like you guys. Right. We have things to do. I haven't had a thing to do. This is my thing to do. I got nothing.

My wife wants me to read the first chapter of a book. She has wanted me to read the first chapter of a book about dealing with our 16-month-old daughter's emotions for going of a book. She has wanted me to read the first chapter of a book about dealing with our 16-month-old daughter's emotions for going on a month. And you've openly mocked her every week for it. Several different episodes. If you wait it out, she won't be 16 months anymore

and then the book will become useful. Just tell her you read it. And just be like, oh, that was great. I gotta start buying more. We should use the strategies outlined in that book. Yeah. And then just be like, and she'll be like, yeah, like holding, like swaddling. And like, yeah, we got to swaddle some more.

And then I'll be like, and. That's the word. Did you even read it? And swaddling, and. Yeah. And then, you know, then I flip it a little bit. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

You get more mad than she ever could. Yeah. The rock. Yeah, dude. It's top stand. That's who I'm picking. Oh, the rock. Okay, here we go.

You just decided to go with the most obvious. Yeah. Okay. It's top stand. That's who I'm picking. Oh, The Rock. Okay, here we go. You just decided to go with the most obvious. Yeah. Okay. I mean, I want to get. First round draft pick. Absolutely. It's big talent. It's like, I mean, what do we do?

Of course. I love the guy. He's so buff. I mean, he's perfect. What don't you trust about him? I don't know. I just don't think he's on my team. Same way I feel about Terry Crews.

Sorry. I'm sorry. Why is The Rock out here selling so much other stuff? He's got like an energy drink. He's got a tequila. I guess those are the two things. He's got the XFL too. Be in movies. When was the last... He's in movies.

What are the three best rock movies? I think I've seen no rock movies. You haven't seen like The Fast and the Furious? Like five? No. The Rundown is, I think, the best rock. The Rundown. Haven't seen it.

Walking Tall? Nope. That movie sucks. No. You haven't seen Jumanji? Jumanji, the second Jumanji. No. He's like the biggest movie star in the world.

I can't think of any movies. The Tooth Fairy. I don't think I've ever seen him in a movie. Ballers. HBO's Ballers? SummerSlam 99. No. The Rock. fairy i don't think i've ever seen him in a movie ballers hbo's ballers summer slam 99 no the rock sean you've seen all those i've seen i haven't seen tooth fairy i feel very uncomfortable when i see the rock wearing a suit i tweeted this the other day it looks very uncomfortable it just looks wrong he looks like he's too big like that guy shouldn't be in a suit it's just too

has he been on your show how big is he he? He's been on the show. He's gigantic. He's like 6'5", right? He's 6'5". And just like wide. His arms are fucking insane. You've seen his cheat day Sundays on Instagram? You've seen him

when he'll just be like, here's a table full of sushi and a bottle of tequila. This is my cheat day. Yeah. And like, no doubt in my mind that he finishes

every single thing in front of him on those cheat days. Can you... If I were The Rock, I would walk into buffets and just close them one by one. I'd walk tall into a buffet.

Can you imagine if you owned an all-you-could-eat sushi buffet and The Rock walked in, you'd have to call the bank. You'd have to be like, hey, that's it. You'd make it up in ticket sales later down the road. You'd be like, this is where The Rock gets his sushi. Oh, I guess so.

It's like when famous comics get the whole door, but they get to be like, oh, so and so. This is where Michael A. Black played the den. Yeah, theater in Chicago two weekends from now. So The Rock, I mean basic, but I had to do it. I'll dance a little bit on the later bit. What if you hadn't gotten the first pick? I mean, I feel like The Rock's going to come off the table pretty quickly.

Did you have a second choice for your first round? Oh, for the first round? Yeah, I had a second choice. I'll get him. These two can't stand him, so unless you pick him. I got a deep bench. But what we're going to find out now is your first pick, Michael Ian Black. I'm going old school for my first round pick.

I feel like you want to go with the goat of buff dudes yeah hercules yeah oh wow original buff dude original original i said old school i'm not talking about 2004 yeah unless you're talking about 2004 bc when i was eight because i'm young hercules the guy could the guy could do anything when it comes to what was hercules like main thing he did a bunch of labors yeah he had like 12 labors he cleaned he cleaned out the stables he rerouted a river to clean out those stables right wasn't that his yeah i think he did yeah i think he didn't he kill the hydra or some shit yeah there we go okay he was just out there doing like really buff dude stuff.

Like some of the original buff dude stuff. Yeah. Like eating a lot of sushi. He was doing like farm labor. What do you think Hercules like cheat meals were like? Just like a gigantic pile of stuff. Grape leaves. A whole cow or something.

Yeah. Didn't he kill, he killed something? He killed like a goat? I think he killed a whole bunch of stuff. Yeah. He was always killing stuff. The Rock never killed anything. No, the Rock hasn't killed anything. No, the Rock never killed anything.

The Rock's violence is all fake. Fake violence. Hercules. You know, pretty prominent athlete. Action sports. No. Yeah.

The Rock didn't even start at like, he, neither did you, by the way. He didn't start at Miami in the 80s? At the University of Miami. We're not talking about like,

that's a, it's the U in the 80s. I know, but still, like Hercules would have started at the University of Miami. Like Hercules would have been a, that's a, it's the U in the 80s. I know, but still, like, Hercules would have started at the University of Miami. Like, Hercules would have been a starting defensive end at the U. Is he allowed to play? I think Hercules, well, he's only a demigod, right?

His dad is. He's a demigod, yeah. He's a demigod. So he slayed the Nimean lion. He slayed the nine-headed hydra. He captured a deer. He captured a boar. It was a boar.

It was a boar. It wasn't so much a beer. Yeah. No, there was a, it says a hind, which is a deer, right? Yeah, I think that's right, a hind. He cleaned the stables in one day. He killed some birds. He captured a bull, and he stole horses.

I've done a couple of those. Which ones have you done? I killed a bunch of birds. That's right. Get that on accident one time. I killed a bunch of birds one time. Did you clean the stables? I've cleaned the stables. So, you know, I'm a Debbie Deming guy. So you're clean the stables? I've cleaned the stables.

So you're Herculean. I'm Herculean. He's got a whole adjective named after him. That's pretty impressive. That's a great pick. Hercules is a great pick. Yeah, dude. Hercules' Instagram would have been like...

It would have been like Dan Bilzerian. Just a fucking buff dude rerouting a river. Hey, rerouting the river today. Yeah. Killing a mythical beast today. Hey, here I am. Like hanging out with the Nymian lion.

Awesome. Dead. Clean the stables. Dead. Dead. Lion's all dead and shit. Hercules, great first pick.

Probably better than The Rock, but we don't need to get into that just yet. David Bore, time for your first pick. I mean, I got to take the originator. I'm taking Arnold. Oh, yeah. Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Come on. Not feeling it? Have you not seen Pumping Iron? That guy is incredible. He's not even my first choice bodybuilder. Really? Is it? Oh, I don't want to say it. But he's not you. Okay. Well, that's crazy. He's the original Mr. Olympia, right?

Yeah, it seems like he changed the game. I don't think he was the original Mr. Olympia. Maybe he wasn't the original. He's the original Mr. Olympia, right? Yeah, it seems like he changed the game. He said that... I don't think he was the original Mr. Olympia. Maybe he wasn't the original. He's the most prominent. He says that lifting weights felt like cumming, right? Yeah, that was the best part of that movie. When he got the pump?

Yeah, then getting in Lou Ferrigno's head. Yeah, getting in Lou Ferrigno's... Oh, yeah. But how hard is that, right? How hard is it to get in Ferrigno's head? You can get in there. There's a door. It's pretty easy to scare.

You can scramble the Hulk easy. Gullible as shit. Big, big galoot. Yeah. They made him think he was the Hulk. He thought it was a documentary. First Mr. Olympia was Larry Scott. Larry Scott, dude.

My second pick. Larry Scott. I think he wasn't even that buff. You know what I mean? Larry Scott is not an amazing name. Larry Scott's whole thing was he didn't have- Larry Scott could be like a dope't even that buff. Larry Scott is not an amazing name. Larry Scott's whole thing was he didn't have... Larry Scott could be like a dope new rapper right now. Yeah, Larry Scott.

He was just like the guy who didn't have polio, so they made him Mr. Olympia. He's strong. This guy's over here. Smashed all straight. Wow. All his bones formed. Yeah.

He works in the mines. Oh, my God. He's got a clean face. He's got a bunch of birds. It's Herculean. He's got a strong handshake. Incidentally, Mr. Olympia named after Mount Olympus where Hercules was hanging out.

So I'm just saying. Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm still taking Arnold. You ever seen any of those movies? Like Hercules in New York. Arnold Schwarzenegger, one of his first movies. Conan. And then Conan, what is best in life?

Yeah. He just like... True lies? Predator is my favorite Arnold. He was an Austrian tank commander. Can you imagine like another name I used to dance on? The Austrian tank commander. Sounds like a guy who gets paid to take poops. Yeah.

You're just going to pay me to take it or you want to watch? Yeah, yeah. Do you think Arnold Schwarzenegger was good at at sex do you think like big buff dudes are good at sex or are they just like sort of like i don't know because i don't think about it as being it seems like a lot more of a discipline than an athletic feat you know what i'm saying yeah like i don't know they don't have stamina i mean when they're in peak shape they can barely walk a flight of stairs right they get like winded because they have their their they're totally dehydrated yeah you know they're just they right before a contest like they they they don't drink water right they can't so they can get

vascular yes i never thought about that yeah that's interesting they like their poops are weird weird poops but it's weird long and stringy and stringy. I don't know. I don't even know what it is. It comes out looking like a lanyard. It's just like a lanyard of poop comes out. I don't know whose voice I thought I was going to do. It's either that or it sounds like a pile of marbles being poured onto a floor. It's one of the two. A bunch of hard little Cocoa Puffs coming out. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

Big talent off the board already. Arnold Schwarzenegger and The Rock. It's time for my first and second picks. picks with my first pick i gotta go now this this dude is buff no doubt but he's also a renaissance man uh i'm taking i'm taking dolph lundgren oh sure long buff he's one of those guys it's like what can't you do he can do everything he was a he was a road scholar he went to mit where he was bouncing and then he was discovered by grace jones i think yeah and that was like how he was catapulted into fame yeah and then he ended up playing ivan drago but speaking of steroids that guy had those like wet muscles you know what i mean yeah where like

his body looks kind of like a buff waterbed he i thought that that's what everybody looks like over there that's what that movie yeah it's like i guess they're all like that nipples are what stick out to me yeah it's like right there yeah he's got like a buff mouth he's got a buff mouth right yeah he's got powder lips very strong i wouldn't be just like buff hair i feel like oh yeah he's buff hair too yeah the face is for guile from street fighter yeah yeah exactly no i made that up but come on it definitely is though definitely guile is definitely yeah dolph lundgren his name's dolph by the way and that the buff name or for dolphin dolphin he's my second favorite adolf dolphin young bulb the rapper okay okay okay no no no the rapper the rapper

no small spike no small spike you're out here slipping on the ice my man yeah no it's weird in minneapolis golf is a buff name lund is a buff sound and grin is a is a buff yeah it's all one grand he had long wet pillowy muscles he's just a hot genius it makes you feel like you can't do anything i know he's a fucking hot genius i bet he i bet he's hilarious too he's probably really sweet like when nobody's making grace jones laugh yeah god damn it i bet that felt amazing i bet it's good their sex must maybe we've talked about this before but grace jones and dolph lundgren having sex must have been like a piano falling down a staircase i think it's like literally why do you think we've talked about this before it's like looking at the ark of the covenant like yeah your face melts yeah you can't

behold it um and who's writing who who knows oh it's it's uh i feel like it's it's sort of a death spiral like they're they're They're linked together, yes. And they're just spiraling up into the toposphere. And then, you know, eventually they pass out. And then fall back to Earth. That's where the term smash came from. They're the first people that smashed. When they hit back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They smashed. The Large Hadron Collider, those two have to fuck it up for it to become operational. And then they can go about their business. The what? The Large Hadron Collider, those two have to fuck in it for it to become operational and then they can go about their business. The Large Hadron Collider? Totally. I was just making sure that's what you said. I'm staying in the 80s.

I'm staying with big, wet muscles. I'm drafting a man whose muscles are wet and then he himself has been made wet as to enhance the appearance of those muscles i'm taking carl weathers god damn it predator man i really thought i was gonna get predator predator all day i really thought i was gonna get him now no chance carl weathers is he is a stud that's a stud that's who you mean when you say that guy's a stud yeah

you mean fucking carl weathers carl weathers you're just like no i could have a mustache and be that buff he makes you think mustache you be that buff. He makes you think. Mustache? You could do that. That's what you think when you see Carl Weathers? I've thought that, yeah. That's what you think when you see Carl Weathers. One of the things.

I question my sexuality sometimes when I see Carl Weathers. It's a lot of stuff. He's like principal hot. Yeah, he is principal hot. He looks good in a short sleeve button up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which not a lot of people do he's he's apollo creed he's george dylan and predator again he's he's just like it it kind of looks like you could poke his muscles and like they would like sink in a little

bit yeah yeah he looks inflated you know when he was carl when he was apollo creed that's like that's the buffest dude that's a buffest dude. That's the buffest dude. And he was wearing a crop top too. He's shiny. You want to guess how old Carl Weathers is? Right now? Yeah. 64.

I was going to say 67. 68. I'm going to go 71. Okay. I'll fancy everything. 74. 74 years old? That's nice, man.

That is so much. And incidentally, I'm just looking for a current image. Looks great. Do you think there will be any point? He's got like a gray goatee and a little gray sideburn. Looks great.

I bet he's out there fucking like 50-year-olds. You know what I mean? Young 50-year-olds. Shown up at like... Where would an old Carl Weathers hang out? Do you think there's any point in any of this? Do they still have Tony Romas? That's what Carl Weathers is.

He's at a place for ribs. Yeah, he's drinking a Manhattan at Tony Romas. Go to the airport just to get a steak. You're at a bar. You're at a Tony Romas. And then somebody sends you over a glass of champagne. And it's Carl Weathers at the bar. Enjoy, baby.

I'm just trying to be nice. Every sip is better than the one before, baby. Do you think there'll be any point in any of our lives when we'll be capable? Like when Carl Weathers is 84, we'll all be 10 years older. Do you think we'll be able to beat up 84-year-old Carl Weathers?

Is there any point in our lives where we will be able to fight him? No, we're too close. I would have to pull out some crazy... It's got to be the kind of fight where you're willing to die. Yeah. If a lion fights a lion, one of them's dying. Right. If I fight Carl Weathers, I'm going to bear hug him and we're both going downstairs.

Let me ask you this. Does 84-year-old Carl Weathers have Parkinson's disease? He was a boxer. Yeah, he was a boxer yeah he was a boxer that guy could take i think he's got it like it's just starting to show up then no no if it's just starting to show up yeah no it's just like full on i have a chance yeah this is like a light pinky it's still a fight like it's still legit fight yeah i feel like you can not that fighting would cure your Parkinson's, but I feel like when you're in a fight, Parkinson's wouldn't even matter. Be an advantage.

You're just in a fight. Like Drunken Master. Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah. It might make you just sort of evasive. Ooh. No, like this is where. Like physical harm snaps you out

and you're like in it, right? This is where Donald Trump dismantling the World Health Organization, sort of like, we're really starting to see those effects because there's almost no studies on having parkinson's in a fight i'm saying thank god he did it you know we take it to the streets we need to start our own studies we need it i wish i wish he could go wake up joe is what i wish and lower the gas prices but that would be the nice thing yeah i'm just gonna start fighting dudes with parkinson's I'll tell you what I'm up with.

David, Minneapolis is changing you. We've got to get out of here. I'm going to go to the Tony Roma's. I'm going to fight Carl Weathers. I'm going to slap that Manhattan out of his head. I'm going to say, let's dance, Apollo. Just you on the cover of a prominent medical jersey wearing a chain with a dog bone on it and shirtless. The New England Journal of Medicine.

shirtless the new england journal of medicine uh david boy carl weathers is off the board but it's time for your second pick i'm taking another movie star i'm taking short king i'm taking sly stallone oh yeah so yeah we just covered covered rocky five yeah the cliff rocky four my friend yeah i was gonna take weathers too i didn't think anybody was gonna have it oh yeah rocky three and four yeah rocky four is fully covered now fully covered yep yeah there are other dudes from rocky but wait a minute doesn't uh the robot oh yeah drago kills kills weather kills and then sliced alone but burgess meredith's still on the board right burgess meredith's still on the board yeah yeah mentally buff i think the late run I think he's a late run. Mentally buff. Life buff.

Nobody's tougher up top than Burgess. Absolutely not. What should we name this cute little baby? Burgess. Is dad just smoking a cigar, inhaling it? Burgess.

I think he would smoke a cigar. I think Burgess named himself. I'm Burgess. My name's Burgess. Burgess Mer. But our last name's Johnson. Your last name's Johnson. My father slapped in my ass, Scott. I name is Burgess. Burgess Mer. But our last name's Johnson. Your last name's Johnson. I'll do it myself.

He's wearing a vest. A little suit vest. No jacket. He got married to a nurse that day. Started his family. Cute little number he called her. Left her the next day. Sorry, sweetheart. I gotta go. Traveling man Burgess man

This is not a one woman man Yeah man Rocky Totally Sylvester Stallone dude Sure Yeah Sly He wrote it

Cobra Sly had those He had those weird Fingery muscles You know what I mean They're like Under the pecs One of those

You know I always screw this up But he I think him and Orson Welles Which off the board Sorry I'm saying pics, but Sylvester Stallone won three Oscars for Rocky,

and there's only one other movie, I think, that won three Oscars for these three. It's like directing, acting, and writing or something. He won all three Oscars. Citizen Kanye. How buck is that, dude? He wrote that movie, and he wasn't really anybody yet, right? No.

No, I think he was just a little buff dude with a dream he'd been in a soft core pornography he had back then he had those nice eyes too like those nice sunken feel bad for me but you know because i'm poor eyes puppy dog eyes yeah puppy dog i guess that's sure because i'm poor eyes is another term i call him feel bad for me because i'm poor eyes but whatever yeah he had and like he people liked the script and they wanted to put like other actors and he said no and he said no so he didn't make a ton of money off the first rocky movies i think because like you got to bet on yourself well but he didn't make a lot of money because like the deal he got it made him famous but like whoever the producers were got like a huge chunk because they were like all right if you're going

to be in it like we don't think this is going to be also got like a donkey kong arcade game for it so that he didn't got a robot that said happy birthday polly so you know he also wrote cliffhanger did he really no okay no guile wrote apparently beverly hills cop was originally for sylvester stallone and it wasn't meant to be that would be comedy whoa it was like supposed to be like a drama i think like a lethal weapon kind of thing yeah i think not a buddy cop but like that yeah yeah i think i think that was the vibe i could be wrong about that because i make stuff up sometimes but i think that is correct i saw him in person once i couldn't believe the size of his skull yeah big head got movie star head oh like easter island wow do you think that's also like hgh because that's the guy who's on hgh

that's still yeah for sure because he got all shredded for that last rocky movie you know the one where he was like in his 50s but still fought like it was before his skin does not his skin did not want to be as muscular as his body was no it was right his skin was like where you're like your skin's like stop it his skin was like a beleaguered wife at that point like his skin was in the dust bowl. Yeah. And he was in the roaring 20s. Yeah. Like his muscles were. Sylvester Stallone, excellent pick.

Michael, fresh on the heels of your pick of Hercules, it's time for your second pick. You know, there aren't a lot of guys who have made just a tremendous career in both comedy and fitness. Yeah. In fact,

there's only one I can think of. His name is carrot top. Yeah. Oh, that is a buff guy. I'm drafting the shit out of carrots. That's a great fucking pick. That is a,

that's great. Why is he so, why is he so buff you know what i think because he looks like that yeah and he's like i look like this so i got to get muscular so like i have to do it i have to do something because i look like pippi longstocking you got buff way late right yeah he was he wasn't yeah he wasn't early to the buff game he was like in his 30s he's a late late-in-life buff guy. But it just happened overnight. I didn't see him transitioning to being buff. That's right.

You're just like, holy shit. He just blew up one day. Look, I was torn, because I'm not going to draft this guy if somebody else wants him. I was torn between him and Piscopo. Yeah. And I just decided, ultimately, who do I want on my team? Do I really want Piscopo on my team?

No. I think Carrot Top's buffer than Piscopo. For me, it wasn't about the buffness at that point. It was about who do I want in the trenches with me? When we hit the field, who do I want? Piscopo or Carrot Top? You want somebody who's

been in Las Vegas for a while. I just want a guy who I feel is going to be good in the locker room, and I feel like Carrot Top's going to be hilarious in the locker room. He's going to have all these props. Oh, he is going to be good in the locker room yeah i feel like carrot top's going to be hilarious in the locker room he's gonna make all these props he's always gonna have props everywhere fun stuff dude yeah people make fun but like in real life a prop guy great great great like i bet also we would go to a carrot top show and have a really fun time first of all i feel like i just somebody i feel like i know just also, he's supposedly like the nicest guy in the world. That's what I've heard, too.

You know? Supposed to be just the nicest guy. That's who I want. I want a buff guy who's a nice guy, who's a funny guy, and brings his own props. And he brings his own props. Yeah. And you don't need to help him with the props, because he's so fucking buff. He's a prop.

Right, exactly. He's got the box by himself. He's got a case on his shoulder. Can I help you with the trunk i got it that's all right fine he would politely say i don't think you are able to help me with that's right pretty heads full of bowling balls i use gnarly props yeah what do you think carrot top squats right now 605 yeah i think he's sort of settled down a little since the like fully buffed he was like an arm guy he was everything i mean he was

fully vascular like there's pictures of him in the gym where like his shorts are hiked up and you can see like his wiggly little carrot you know sort of snaking through his carrot legs this is weird and you're like god that guy looks weird yeah i like that if i if you're gonna be that buff i want you to look weird yeah you should look weird you should have some fucking respect don't be the rock no don't don't also be like super proportional and handsome that's weird be be fucking freaky look like a cartoon something like look like something's wrong yes and he does yeah he really does like a minion of the devil his face also yeah he looks like he looked his face i don't want to be rude but he looks scary scary. Like his face is scary. But he did something to that face, right?

Oh, yeah. He's had work done up top, too. He's just trying to change everything. And I like that. There's a deep pathos there that I just love. I think he sees himself as the ultimate prop. And he can always be perfect. He can always be tweaked.

Who's the prop? Who's the real prop here? He's the fucking prop here he's the fucking prop who's propping the prop master yes how could he mangle this telephone book yes so as to you know perpetrate some funny joke without he himself going under the knife god this is shakespearean absolutely yeah every episode gets here google image search this guy and it's truly the stuff of nightmares yeah and some carrot recipes yeah it's a fun nightmare carrot top that's an amazing pick sean jordan top of your

second and then your third picks as it is a serpentine draft uh i met i'm gonna give it a shot hop hofbohr bjornsson hofthor bjorns The mountain. It's just, it's crazy how big and buff that guy is. And he's the one that moved that tree, right? That nobody's moved since like the days of the Vikings. It was like an Icelandic tree, right? Yeah. And he moved it six inches or some shit. And it's just like, before that, it was almost mythical that somebody moved it.

And then he did it for real. Like an actual sword in the stone kind of thing. Yeah. And you're just like, dude, that's crazy. I don't know. He's just, and he's one of those fun buff, because you're just like, dude, that's crazy. I don't know. He's just, and he's one of those fun buff, because he's super buff, but it's not pronounced in his stomach.

Like he's just got like a flat buff stomach, but there's not like a ripped up six pack. So you don't like abs? I love abs, but I also just like, and he's like the perfect amount of hairy. Like it's just like all short chest, belly hair. Well, because he's not a bodybuilder he's a world's strongest man competitor there's a that's a different thing yeah he needs

the mass he needs to be sort of bulky yeah he has to be big he has he has to have volume yeah to lift all that stuff yeah i love it and i love him as the mountain it's like i just i used to watch a fun character so many of those world's strongest man competitions back in the day all the time and they were always happening it was always like live from sun city in south africa and you're like oh but okay go like and then like they would lift like magnus per magnuson would yeah it would always be like like scandinavian yeah i remember the first because they do the keg toss and i was a kid and i remember the first time i went to a keg party and i tried to pick it up i'm like oh no way yeah yeah that's what they're doing yeah it's gnarly they just had varying sizes of rocks yeah man this is a wildlife you have to put

up on how far can you throw this slot machine a hundred yards and it's just some dude like pretty far and at least it was practical you know what i mean can you imagine you're in the airport your plane runs out of fuel, but you're just short of the gate and you're sitting next to Magnus Per Magnus and you're like, hey, I'm not saying it has to be you. But we could have the rest of the plane. Or you could do it. Just a bunch of normal people

in Magnus Per Magnus and like, oh, fuck. It happens to me all the time. We have these guys that couldn't handle their luggage in the overhead bin, so it's going to be tough for them to move the plane. Hey, we have a giant rope. We have the plane. We're about 35 feet short of the gate. Is there anyone here? And we have to be there in

nine seconds. Do you think you could? Is there a bodybuilder? Is there a strongest man on this plane? Oh, shit. Just elbow bumping everyone on the way out? i can do it uh when i was on that uh that show uh game on that show on cbs the sports one we did a thing with martin siegles who's like uh martin's lisis that was the thing who was like the next guy after hafthor bjornson who was like the world's strongest man and he like his arms are like as

big as it like your thighs you know what i mean like uh just it's just they're just fucking insane what do you do with that i think you eat 20 000 calories a day and just like lift weights all the time that's all you can do and you wear like jeans that are like stretchy jeans and you just fill them out and uh cardio wise you feel like they can they can move around like i think better than like bodybuilders because i think they are oh yeah they're not like yeah they're training and their body has fuel like you know yeah like they're eating they're having cheat days every day yeah like three chickens a day you know what i mean i think they've also seen like what happened to the predecessors where it's like okay they didn't do any cardio and then they had heart attacks when they were like 45.

All of them. Yeah. Heart just exploded. One day you can't move that tree that maybe somebody else moves 600 pounds that often without. Yeah. Maybe someone else did it, but you did it for sure. Hoff to a Bjorns in the mountain and credibly called the mountain.

They're like, that guy's the mountain. Everyone's like, yes. Yeah. Your third pick. Uh, this is the one I was gonna go my other first choice they can't stand him michael b jordan i love him i love him to pieces it's not that i can't stand him that's not fair you fucking tell me all the time not i'm not not on a personal level i'm just saying you're like you don't like anything he's done no not a huge fan of that i love him i love him so much i love everything about him i love that he got shredded.

I think he ruined the Rocky franchise. He was Creed. He was young Creed. Oh, he's good. He's Creed in the new Creed movies. I love him. I liked him. He's in that awkward moment. I love romantic comedies.

I love him in that. He's great in Fruitvale Station. He's Killmonger. Depressing, obviously, but he's just a fantastic. He is Killmonger. Yeah. And buff. He was buff in Creed.

But he was in shape. And then Creed and Black Panther hit. And he's just like uh-huh he got pretty crazy he's even in those those nicole kidman like regal cinnamon he was the first person i saw wearing that like that's a scary mask on a treadmill mask oh you know i'm talking about that oxygen thing where you look like you're dead and they're like bringing you back to life with one of those on there used to be a dude that the the gym I went to in Glendale who wore one of those, who was not buff. He had really skinny legs. He brought his own oxygen mask?

No, but just that, because it deprives the amount of oxygen you get. It deprives you. Yeah, it makes it harder to breathe. It feels like you're training at altitude. That's stupid. Don't do that. It's so dumb. But he also just wasn't there yet

you know what i mean it was like it'd be like if i bought eight thousand dollar skis you know what i mean and i'm like i don't bought the mask first and then he was like this will make it christmas present or something right wife's like the mask it was clearly a 2 a.m amazon purchase you know what i mean when he's like the fucking diet starts tomorrow bro i'm fucking doing this yeah and then he's just in there i feel like it'd be so much easier just to get asthma or something than worry about the math just get asthma go pick it up yeah michael bjordan third pick i put in some work at tony roma's back in the day like 8 000 calories of ribs like as a 12 year old probably that's what killed Tony Romo. That is, yeah. A place for fucking regret. Michael B. Jordan, big.

Another big wet muscles guy. Wet muscles. Carl Weathers had big wet muscles, so he had to get big wet muscles. He's like, big wet muscles must run in the Creed bloodline. Yep. Wet ones. They don't actually.

They got ice running through their veins. We took Apollo and his son. They strapped. Hell yeah. We should have just strapped Rocky. We pretty much uh michael time for your third pick uh i'm gonna go so you've introduced i think and i'm i'm glad you did because you introduced the buff dude who wasn't quite so fucking swole yeah that's and i

like that because i'm telling you right now most of my other picks are not going to be giant people i'm gonna go insane on my last picks i got waiting to hear my fucking last pick you're gonna it's gonna blow your fucking mind it's the same person where it's gonna come to fisticuffs uh because like when i'm drafting yeah look i want a well-rounded team absolutely i don't just want the huge guys okay you. You got to be buff. Buff can mean a lot of different things. This guy is the ultimate wiry buff. Okay. You're not going to get any wiry buffer than my guy.

I'm thrilled he's still on the board because he is first draft, hall of fame, buff dude, Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee. Yeah, that's amazing. Absolutely. Man, I really thought I was going to get him late. I really did. Mr. One-inch punch.

Yes. He is. First ballot. He probably should have been the first, but he's the dopest buff dude. And he's light on his feet like a dancer. You went with Michael B. Jordan before Bruce. I know. Of course, I went with Carrot Top before Bruce.

But that's it. You know what I mean? If you laid this list out for someone and they're like, why is Bruce Lee? Whatever you were talking about, why is Bruce Lee down here? If you showed this list to like, what did you think they drafted? It'd be so hard to find the through line. What do you think this is?

What do these people all have in common? I mean, say what you will about bruce lee he's great but like i've never seen him sort of like you know like making a football helmet look like you're eating soup out of it and carrot top is very capable of that you can yeah you can do that bruce lee look there's a fight between bruce lee and kareem abdul-jabbar and it's credible yeah it's credible yeah it didn't. You weren't like these guys wouldn't. You felt like, man, he's going to fight that jacket. Something happened off camera.

And you look at that and you're like, I don't know who's going to win. I don't know who's going to win. Styles make fights. It's such a different... Bruce Lee was three and a half feet tall. People don't know that. Three and a half feet tall. He's a little guy. Kareem Navajul Jabbar, nine and two. I always felt like Bruce Lee could really dance, too.

Oh, yeah. He could do anything. Didn't he seem like he could dance? Oh, yeah. I felt like he could breathe underwater. I felt like, you know, he'd just do whatever he set his mind to. He had that confident walk, like he walked a dick out. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Everything he said, you're just like, damn. I never would have thought of that. Yeah, I want to be water. Seattle, Washington, right? I thought San Francisco. San Francisco, California. Wait, he was he's back and forth though right like didn't he live in china he's buried in seattle he was in hong kong right hong kong he got sent back there i think he was born here and then got sent back there that's what it was trouble at school or something something like and then he came back and then he came back he was teaching all the teachers and

they're like no no no no no no, no. Not yet. Can you imagine getting kicked in the chest by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? That's a big foot. That foot is probably his torso size. His entire torso. That's a reasonable comparison. If Kareem gets one off, that's the thing. Bruno Mars writer,

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, by the way. Veronica Mars. It's like, what? He wrote all the Bruno Mars songs. I don't know why we're laughing. Like, that's not equally as absurd as him writing for Veronica Mars. That's also crazy. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is just like, man, I'd love to sing him, but I just can't.

I call him Louis Alcindor. Alcindor doesn't have it, dude. He doesn't have the pipes. That's the one thing he doesn't have yeah bruce lee sinewy he was like a yeah perfect perfect sinewy guy i bet he could dunk right oh if he just had weird hops of course i think he does i bet he could dunk oh no question probably dunk with his feet like a spud web situation yeah i like that bruce lee great third pick david borey time for you a third pick i need the life of the party go on i need a fun guy yes sir i'm taking hugh jackman yeah okay huge jackman huge jackman but he's just he's a theater guy he seems like there's a lot of

brevity there yeah at heart he's a song and dance man exactly but he's so jack yeah he's the man right now so now he's running with the wolves he's harold hill professor harold hill's on hand dude buff as fuck yeah didn't hugh jackman catch some shit one time because he was like in a bad mood one day or something and it didn't blow up in a little bit in the news no i don't know that never happened i'm thinking of russell crowe oh yeah you might be sure fellow aussie i sure am russell crowe you're a telephone at like a bellhop tower or something. That's right. So Hugh Jackman's always-

Hugh Jackman never loses his cool. Right, okay. I threw a telephone- You can't if you're Hugh Jackman. You're too buff. You'd lose your cool if somebody dies. With the weapons. He's as wide as he is tall, but in a buff way.

Yep. Because he's not a tall guy. No. He's not a short guy, but he's like as wide, because he does like a brick shaker. But I feel like I saw Hugh Jackman, I was sitting in front of him on a plane once. No. He's not a short guy, but he's like his wife. But I feel like I saw Hugh Jackman. I was sitting in front of him on a plane once. Yeah. You looked at him. Wait, wait, wait.

You were sitting in front of him on a plane. There you go. It was a first class situation. Somebody's doing all right. I walked past you two on a plane. That's a weird flight. And Dulce saw them on a plane once. She said, murder she rode.

Murder she rode. That's a callback to a previous episode. Callback to last night. Oh, that's a good. That's a great callback. And I appreciate it. It's pretty funny. Having never listened to your podcast before or after but knowing that i never

will listen yeah uh but you look at you jackman right sitting and sitting on the plane you're like normal dude yeah normal dude like you know in shape probably but not like you don't but he's got he's sneaky buff, I feel like. I like that, too. I want a guy who can put a shirt on and be a regular guy. Just put a shirt on, go to Tony Roma's. I'm just one of the fellas. Get that champagne, dude. In Wolverine,

his diet was something crazy. He had to get up every two hours or something and eat chicken just to look like that. That's what they say so you don't ask them further questions about their HGH. Right, I feel like. I think he's so relieved to not don't ask them further questions about their HGH. Right. I feel like. I think he's so relieved to not have to do steroids while he's doing

The Music Man. He's just like, this is nice. Yeah, The Music Man was not ripped. I don't have to hold all 76 trombones myself. Like, this is awesome.

The Music Man joke finally happened the right way. I'm glad you did. Yeah. Yes. You know, my wife's dad can still do,

he did it for his high school talent show, I think, but he can still do the whole song uh the trouble song i'll do it at christmas if i if i just if i even bring up the music man i'm like hey ron why don't you go get that done and he'll he's like oh me and then he'll just start doing it it's trouble with a t that rhymes with p and that stands for pool well you got trouble i got trouble right words that's man that's how buff is your father-in-law yeah go into it not not buff at all he's in shape very in shape he's in military he's a retired pilot very in shape he's a general he's an air force general air force general so buff i mean compared compared to a normal human probably pretty buff compared to a normal dad just in shape my dad compared to him yes how

does he compare to ivan carmel more in shape than ivan carmel your dad was giant right he was a giant he was a giant prick you're right yeah yeah well your dad's a giant how big is your dad he uh he's passed on but he was six six three fifty at his biggest six six three fifty now you're a slim guy and not a very tall guy. I'm 6'2". You're very tall. Oh, you are? You don't come off.

You come off much smaller. The Mountain Dew has stunted the way we see him. It shrinks your leg bones, Mountain Dew. They're hollow. Is that why you have to wear the Mountain Dew compression socks? Yeah. Just to keep you upright. He's 6'2".

I mean, I'd wear them anyways. I like them. It's a style. It's a statement. It's a life that you live. It feels like a zesty hug. Big Mountain Dew wants everyone to be all torso, no legs. That's their whole goal. Dance under that name.

They want a bunch of minions walking around. For a soft drink company, but okay. Everybody needs a mission statement. That just happens to be theirs. That's been their guiding light for these last, how long have they been around? 270 years, right? Mountain Dew? Mountain Dew? Yeah. They've been around before us. Okay, yeah, great. And they just look so cool. They do. It's around? 270 years, right? Mountain Dew? Mountain Dew? Yeah. They've been around before us. Okay. Yeah. Great. And they just look so cool. They do.

It's the Jagged Edges, right? Yeah. They got a mystery flavor. There's one you can buy right now. It's white. It says mystery flavor. Sure. I bet the mystery is corn syrup. You haven't tried it yet? I did try it. I don't know what it is. I don't care. All Mountain Dew, we've talked about this. It all tastes like Mountain Dew.

You have a code red. You're like, so it's red Mountain Dew. There's a bit of mystery anytime anyone takes a. All Mountain Dew, we've talked about this. It all tastes like Mountain Dew. You have a code red, so it's red Mountain Dew. There's a bit of mystery anytime anyone takes a drink of Mountain Dew after their 20th birthday. I had a Jäger Bomb last night. Did you? I was going to have one tonight. I did. That's my man right there.

You do love Jäger Bombs. Time for my third and fourth picks at this Serpentine Drift. Now, I'm going, this person might not be in the headlines, all right? The listeners might have to look this person up the listeners might have to look this person up we might have to look this person up but i'm taking do you guys remember the buff white house chef yes exactly who you mean i'm taking the buff white house so for four different there's this dude andre rush he's still around i don't think white house chef anymore he's just fucking huge huge but like huge huge huge huge like proper like like if the white house got taken over he'd be like i'm not only am i a cook it's insane that

there wasn't a movie starring yes andre rush there what there should have been the white house has fallen starring andre like steven seagal and under siege but yes with him and he's just with there with like a cast let me see Jesus Christ. That's crazy. Benches 605. Look at this dude right there. Look at them. David just showed me a video of porn. I don't know why he did that.

I had to double check. Two dolphins fucking. He does 2,222 pushups a day. How many? 2,222 pushups a day. How much time does that take? Not long. It takes-ups a day. How many? 2,222 push-ups a day. How much time does that take? Not long. It takes me about a year.

Well, I saw him going over his daily schedule once. And when he goes through it, you realize, oh, he doesn't sleep. There's no time for sleep in his schedule. He sleeps like two hours, three hours a day. Because he's got to lift weights and plan these menus. If you think he's got somewhere in his body tattooed, I'll sleep when I'm dead. I mean, and it feels like he'll be dead pretty soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

When you listen to what this guy's doing to himself every single day. It's a fucking insane schedule. I love when people are buff and they don't have to be. Like Carrot Top was one of those things. Like Carl Weathers kind of had to be buff. He's playing Apollo Creed. You know what I mean?

This dude. The White House chef, he could be anything. If anything, it makes his job harder. You know what I mean? This dude. The White House chef, he could be anything. If anything, it makes his job harder. You know what I mean? You gotta flip a pancake with big arms like that? How do you not flip it? Every time you flip it, it goes like it crashes through the floor of the Oval Office and kills the president. Ends up in the Lincoln bedroom, for crying out loud.

It's insane. How do you even find the chef's shirts with sleeves big enough? You gotta get those special made. Those gotta be custom made. That's a lot of his days, just sewing those. All that billowy fabric he put on those. To me, it's too much. When you're at the White House, you don't want to pull focus.

No. You're not trying to pull focus from the principals. Right. You're there to blend into the background, throw out the ganache. Absolutely. Make some terrific homemade mashed potatoes. Maybe it's tortellini night. Maybe the Italian prime minister's here.

You are not there to pull focus. You don't want, you know, the president of Pakistan looking over and going, Jesus, who is that? You know, you don't want that. Also, you kind of, like, you're straining your credibility as a chef because people are like, well, that's obviously a Secret Service agent pretending to be a chef. He does not look like a chef. Clearly, that guy didn't make this bechamel. The only Secret Service he does is get you that off-the-menu cheesecake. That's right. That is always available.

So I'm taking Andre Rush, the buff White House chef. And with my fourth pick. Buff White House chef. Man, I'm getting that. Now I'm going to take. I'm going to stay. I'm staying obscure. I'm staying.

This is sort of a. Obscure. I'm staying obscure. I'm taking. Thanks for the shout-out, out by the way that is my podcast and it is available you can get an Apple podcast or join my Patreon

get on there what are you ranking on that Patreon right now high six figures I would say I am easily losing money every month from production costs with my Patreon. But it is called Obscure.

This is not a podcast for everybody. It's not meant to be listened to. For the love of the game. Here's the premise of the podcast. Each season, I pick a work of literature that I've never read and have no desire to read. I read it out loud and comment on it as I go. That doesn't sound like fun. Have you ever read The Dirt?

No, I haven't read The Dirt. Do you have any desire to read The Dirt? No, I don't even know what it is. It's The Motley Crue. Oh, no. It has to be in the public domain. It has to be an older book that I can just pick up and read without any... Early O's? Okay. Did you just do The Telltale Heart? Is that right? No, we did. Season one

was Jude the Obscure. Season two, Frankenstein. This season, Wuthering Heights. Wuthering Heights. Works of classic literature that I have no interest in reading. Kate Bush song, too. Yes. She listens.

Anything you want to say to Kate Bush right now? Is she a friend of the pot? No, it's an antagonistic relationship, but she listens. She's building a sort of dossier. Who is your pick? Brigitte Nielsen. Yeah. Wait, we can take...

I'm taking a hard left turn here. Yeah. We can take ladies? I'm staying in the Rocky franchise. I'm taking Brigitte Nielsen. Oh, it is called Buff Dudes. She's a buff dude. I thought it was Buff Dudes.

You go back and watch that movie. She's a buff dude. She's way more dude than he is, and he's on my team. Okay. Then I am absolutely picking my last two picks that I was questioning. Give it a close watch. Brigitte Nielsen in that movie is a buff dude.

Brigitte Nielsen in her relationship with Flava Flav was a buff dude. She's a buff dude. I think dude is kind of a gender neutral term, but even if it weren't, she's a buff dude. I love it. It's open. Yeah, I love it.

Tall. Open up the books. Strong. Yep. But personality wise, buff dude. Strange. it. Tall. Open up the books. Strong. Yep. But personality-wise, buff, dude. Strange. Strange. Weird.

I thought you were going to stop when you said, but tall, strong. But. But. She's weird. She's a freak. She's a freak. She has the same buff hair that we were talking about. Yeah, buff hair.

I like that. That's when they're a couple, I was like, they're just a mirror image of each other. Yeah, exactly. They're just two huge muscles, two huge blonde muscles walking around it's not i usually would save that pick for the fourth for the fifth round but i had to get it out right now she's taller than i would have thought how tall is she six one yeah one yeah okay wild because she because she does not look tall next to dolph lundgren well that's the dolphin like six four or something yeah that's like a rudy gobert standing next to like 6'4", or some shit, right? Yeah, he's huge. That's like a Rudy Gobert

standing next to Victor Wimbanyama, you know? That's exactly what it is. What's going on right there? Brigitte Nielsen, that's my pick. Okay. Hard to argue with

other than I feel like you threw us a little bit of a curveball with the dude thing, but... Well, welcome to hell. Well,

that feels like a little bit of a stretch. What, are you going to back out now? No, I... We have your implied consent just by your recording. I don that feels like a little bit of a stretch. What, are you going to back out now? No, I... We have your implied consent just by your recording. I don't feel like I was going to back out. What's your problem?

Just threw me a curveball, that's all. All right. You better watch it. Those Foley guys are looking at you. Yeah. I've seen them do some stuff. And the Juice Boys are right behind them. Shit, I forgot about the Juice Boys.

If you take... If you happen to take out all six Foley guys, the Juice boys got, they got things on them. It's just, it's just a classic Dominican hunt curveball that you threw to me

and unhittable, you know. It's unhittable. You can't hit the Dominican curve. I gave him the Dominican curve. Well, a lot of people said OJ couldn't have committed

the crime because there was a Dominican curve involved, right? Yeah. It was his son. Oh, a Colombian necktie. That's what it was. David Porey, time for your fourth pick. I'm picking another old dude.

Go on. I'm taking J.K. Simmons. Is he buff? Oh, you haven't seen him? I didn't know that. Yeah. Sneaky, big buff. Love knowing that.

Yeah. I love that. You would never know it from the farmer's insurance company in whiplash he's got i remember in whiplash he's a little yeah he's a little veiny right you see you see that arm he's a vascular dude look at this take a look at this it's porn again that's jk simmons jk wow no i didn't know that he's an old man buff you like that yeah i like old man i love an old man yeah it's fun to see an old guy buff man that's tight and i just i just like jkc yeah he's fun yeah all these are better than the rock you're absolutely every single better than

the rock it's not fun taking the running back in the first round you know what i mean but like i mean look a good time here look it's is it a bad pick yeah but somebody somebody was going to pick the rock thank you you you sacrificed yourself for the team thank you for doing that Look, is it a bad pick? Yeah, but somebody was going to pick The Rock. You sacrificed yourself for the team. Thank you for doing that. Somebody was going to take Schwarzenegger. Fine, whatever. Somebody was going to take Reggie Nielsen.

We knew these six were going to happen. Somebody was going to take the White House chef. Yeah, the White House chef. Obviously. The Rock is kind of the Mountain Dew of buff dudes. Dude, I love Mountain Dew. I know you do. I know. You love The Rock. The way they designed it, it's like Dude, I love Mountain Dew. I know you do. It's the edges. You love The Rock.

The way they designed it, it's like the M, it's got points on it. Dwayne, dude. It's not rounded. Where I look at it, I'm like, whoa, I'm Jack. Extreme, they look like the peaks of the mountain. Yeah. Yeah. They got this Mountain Dew called Spark right now.

Go on. Anyway, go ahead. Okay. Do you like, did this have to do with them marketing to extreme sports? No. I just like Mountain Dew. So you liked it before the- I think it tastes good. Are you an extreme sports guy? No. I just like Mountain Dew. So you liked it before. I think it tastes good. Are you an extreme sports guy? Yeah. I skateboard.

But I don't really... I mean, that is scraping the bottom of the barrel. I don't really do extreme sports. He's holding a knife while he does it. Oh, okay. If you're holding a knife, then yeah, that's fine. Yeah, the knife. An on-fire knife. You didn't think they could do that. He's holding a knife. That's his favorite Mountain Dew flavor. On-fire knife. On-fire butter knife. That's his favorite Mountain Dew flavor. On fire butter knife.

That's what the white one is. I wonder if you worked up at Big Level Mountain Dew, what's the buckest thing you could get them to name a flavor? Flamin' Hot Cheetos, probably. All on the table. That one that they made? I think you could call it Zyklon Biscoff, and they green light it.

What color is Zyklon Biscoff? They neon green light it. It's not going to get better than that so i'll stop this episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by policy genius policy genius i'm gonna hit you we're gonna talk about some life insurance stuff real quick now 40 of people with life insurance wish they'd gotten their policy at a younger age of course you do i wish i'd done everything at a younger age that's neither you do. I wish I'd done everything at a younger age. That's neither here nor there. Policy Genius, essentially, it just helps you get the life insurance you need fast so you can get on with your life. With Policy Genius, you can find life insurance policies that start at just $292 per year for $1 million of coverage. Some options

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could save. That's policygenius.com. Michael Ian Black at his time. JK Simmons, great pick. He looks like he's got fucking tennis balls in his arms it's crazy well look i mean along this theme because this is a great theme the old man buff yeah that's what you like you like the young guys it's like yeah you can do that you can do a thousand push-ups you can you can you can lift a car i don't give a shit again you're 25 years old. Doesn't impress me. Show me when you're 80. Well, there was a guy who did show us when he was 80.

His name was Jack fucking Lelaine. He did it his whole life. It's a good long life. Actual name too. Jack fucking Lelaine. Polish. He's my fourth pick. The guy invented the modern fitness industry

doing like one-handed push-ups and stuff that's a great buffalo dude that's a that's a great big yeah i feel like he swam alcatraz you know when he was 80 like that's how he celebrated his birthday also he's that kind of old where he probably killed a guy at one point yeah and he's thankful every day that he got away with it it haunts him he's sorry for what he did but no one's ever gonna find out so he's been making up for it he made his peace with god yeah and that's the rest of it's no but it's nobody else's business at that point he took a bottle of jack out to the grand canyon and talked to god one night he climbed a rope to heaven yeah all of her body strength talked to god climbed a rope going up there and poked god in the chest

a couple times. He had his own TV show just like working out. Hey, it's the Jacqueline. I'm just going to work out. Buff dude. And you're going to love it. Before anybody knew that that was a thing you could do. Nobody knew that.

We watched the Lone Ranger on here. And not work out, but still be in a good mood watching it. People thought, when he started doing that, people thought it was like the same thing as masturbation. Like it was bad for you. You were going to go blind if you worked out too much. He showed you no. He was like, no, jerking off is cool.

I got pretty bad eyes, so there might be something to it. He said, I'm going to jerk off on TV. It was weird. He had the first jerking off show. It was weird. He was the first kid in high school that's like, yes, I do. The Colgate Jackoff Hour. The Colgate Pomolet Jackoff. That was my time slot when I danced. Jack off hour Colgate

That was my time slot Jack off the lane The Jurgens Jack off hour With Jack off the lane With Jack off the lane Strong guys used to They almost had more in common

With like David Blaine They would do strong guy stunts And stuff like that Yeah just like Ben Metal on the TV Power team man You wanna see something cool? I'm going to bend this bar.

I'm going to rip this cow in half. You want to see that? Yes, I do. Take a bite out of a glass. What do muscles have to do with that? Nothing. I got him. I just don't give a shit.

Your hair on check. Jagla Lane. He was also doing one hand of push-ups and stuff like that everything finger push-ups he could do it jack lalane the og probably invented drinking juice and shit too carrot juice for sure yeah yeah sean jordan it's time for your fourth and then your final picks all right so you you open it up tell me if i can do this my fourth pick i'm going to pick a male kangaroo oh that oh you mean the buff one yes online yes yeah buff male kangaroo that guy that dude's buff on the internet it's crazy how buff that kangaroo do you know what i'm talking about yes i've seen it it's i didn't know that that could happen on an animal i didn't think it half he's got pecs human muscles and big arms and i'm like i didn't know they could have. He's got pecs, human muscles, and big arms. And I'm like, I didn't know that could happen.

Google different buff animals. I know lions and shit are buff. You can see them. They're all sinewy, but this is a buff person-looking animal. There's a dog that gets buff. I've seen a buff bull before. Yeah, there's buff bulls. The buff bulls are scary-looking. The buff kangaroo. Something on all fours

doesn't, I don't quantify it like that. So the kangaroo, the fact that they're standing up And that he punched a guy I'm like alright, so you're a buff guy No, this kangaroo This kangaroo will fuck you up I wouldn't even think about going near that kangaroo This kangaroo will fuck your sister

And tell you about it face to face No door in between you Comes over, calls you little man Takes her away in an IROC Drinks all your Kool-Aid with no pants on tell you about it face to face. No door in between you. Comes over, calls you little man. Takes her away in an IROC. Drinks all your Kool-Aid with no pants on. Eats breakfast naked. That kangaroo looks like he needs a toothpick.

Takes your dad's car. He smokes weed in your dad's car. For the weekend. He does that thing where he's taking your sister out and just turns the clock back a couple hours. She'll be home when I bring her home. So that's fourth. And I'm also going to get a little nuts on five. Okay.

Popeye. Oh yeah. All four. Cool. Yeah. That's a buff dude. That's a buff dude. No Popeye's buff.

There's just no getting around it. He's juicing too though. Well, well, he basically says so. Yeah. Vegetables. Let's see. You know, it's around it. He's juicing too, though. Well, it's vegetables. They say so. Yeah, vegetables. It's Mountain Dew. They don't tell you that.

Spinach. But, you know, here's the question. He's got three bags of spinach to live with this podcast. Bluto's really buffer then. Yeah. Popeye. Bluto's like. Yeah, but Popeye always wins.

But Bluto's doing it natural. You know what I mean? Let's talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. He's Ken Griffey Jr. And meanwhile, Popeye's out here. I want people juice, and I don's talk about that. Yeah. Yeah. He's Ken Griffey Jr. And meanwhile, I want people juice

and I don't give a fuck. Make it doper for me to watch. Whatever you got to do to like make it tighter what you're doing, I'm fine with it. Doper. As a fan.

I want to see dingers. I don't want to see grounders. So if you got to fucking put a needle in there, then do it. There you go. I'm talking like a high school football coach in Texas right now.

Give him the needle. Popeye. He's fine. Anyway. It wasn't about vanity for him either, which I like. No. You know, most of the time, Popeye was just like, yeah, I'm chill. Like, yeah, I'm a little quirky, but I'm chill.

When I need it, it's there for me. Yeah. When I need it, yes, I can pump up. I can put it to use. But most of the time, like like i'm just hanging out yeah long slippery slope is when you think you need it when you don't that's right that's and that's where you got to call and for him it was always it was always practical like most of the time was just hey i'm hanging i'm making scrimshaw yeah you know i'm just i'm i'm i'm sucking on

my corn cob pipe you know i'm uh i'm flirting with olive oil there you go but every now and again they flirt duty called yeah and he answered and he beat the shit out of it you back him into a corner he'll finish his way out of it oh duty's calling i'm gonna go fuck it up real quick big forearms and you know he was buff because robin williams played him in a movie yep robin williams quietly buff quietly buff right quietly buff he was a wrestler he's he and i think he had that wrestler's body his whole life yeah you know just high school wrestler body wrestlers keep that body that's like a good thing to do in high school they also get bow leg they do get bow legging i bet you the

comedy store got scrappy back in the day oh yeah all the cocaine yeah yeah that probably had a lot to do with it but i bet you they actually went to like the other bars around there and just were like yeah we're we're gonna go beat up the improv went to the other bars around there and just were like, yeah, let's go beat up the improv. Went to the Rainbow Room. Where are the Juice Boys at? Yeah, they went to the Rainbow Room. They're like, where the fuck is CeCe DeVille? Where?

Fought John Lennon. Michael Ian Black, time for your final pick. I'm going to go a little offbeat with this. This isn't somebody that you normally think of as buff, but I feel like in his way, he is buff. And when I'm picturing my locker room, I got some A-type personalities in there. I've got Hercules in there.

I've got Bruce Lee in there. I've got Jack LaLanne in there. A lot of budding. I've got Carrot Top there you know sort of keeping things like but but i feel like i need the guy who's gonna make things fun yeah i feel like i need the guy who's gonna who's gonna uh you know maybe we're in a slump in august and he's gonna be like hey what are we doing like we're not gonna get down on ourselves here yeah you know we're still buff we're getting paid to play a game here this is this is we're lucky to be here yeah you know bruce get that look off your face yeah let's have some fun

and who's the king of fun with buff richard simmons richard you want richard simmons on you want him in those short short mid 80s richard simmons no he was never jacked. Okay, but he's a guy who I feel like... He put the work in. He was sweating to the oldies. He was buff up in the head. A buff soul. A buff in the leg. But you know what? He was really buff in the heart. Simmons has

a buff heart. Yeah. And he's motivating everybody. He's keeping everybody happy. He loves people, man. He's keeping everybody happy you know people man he's a people guy i feel like he lights up like if he were to come on the third floor right now we'd be like whoa yeah what's going on the energy oh yeah yeah there's like a tone shift yeah it's pretty cool like when you know a parade's happening nearby yeah he's like the Dominican Day Parade. He's like the Dominican Hunt Parade. He's like the Dominican Hunt Parade. And he brings everybody along with him.

Yes, he does. He's a leader of men and women. He's a people leader. A joiner. Hasn't he disappeared? Yeah, he's a recluse now. Yeah, he's a recluse. But who among us wouldn't love to be a recluse at some point?

I can't wait. Oh, my God. It's going to be dope. It might be right after this podcast you may never see me again yeah no i'll see you tonight i hear he's in court lane uh david boy time for your final pick i need a leader yes i need a leader i think i got a lot of i got a lot of bulls i got a lot of old guys yeah he's not my leader i'm taking sword of omen give me sight leader. I'm taking Sword of Omen. Give me Sight Beyond Sight. I'm taking Lionel from the Thundercats. Whoa. Yeah, there you go.

Yeah. Just a big buff cat. Yeah, he's a big buff furry, dude. And a leader. Long hair. That's a hot cat. I'd love to have sex with him. That's a big hot cat.

Is he the guy that says Thundercats? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's my friend's dad. Really? What? Larry Kenny. The original Thundercats.

That's Lionel? I think so. Really? Just look it up. Dude, that's sick. That's my friend's dad. Really? What? Larry Kenny. The original Thundercats. That's Lionel? I think so. Really? Just look it up. Dude, that's sick. That's amazing. That was one of my... I guess somebody has to be that guy.

And of course you're going to have kids if you're the voice of Lionel. Yeah, you would have to. Gotta let it go somewhere. It's not Lionel? What? Lionel. Lionel? Lionel, yeah.

Lionel? Yeah. Oh, Lion. Lion-O. Lion-O. Or Lion-O. Excuse me. Voice of Thundercat, Larry Kenny. Oh, Lion. Lion-O. Voice of Thundercat, Larry Kenny. It is Lion-O, isn't it? Lion-O. I didn't know that

until this very moment. I said Lionel. Well, he had this sort of omens and it gave him sight beyond sight. You know, Mumra still scares the shit out of me. Like when you watch Mumra turn into Mumra. You know, I saw him outside of your hotel room earlier today. Shit, Mumra? He seemed to have, I don't know, he was messing with your door and then he ran away.

I don't know. I don't know, dude. I'm trying to get in and fix my TV. He's a handsome little guy. He used to host bowling for dollars. Is he buff? No, but he's... Looks like he could have been.

Yeah, I think he was like in relatively good shape in this he was like in decent 70s shape yeah that kind of shape where you were like you were smoking and drinking but you still had yeah you were fucking a lot you were fucking a lot you had like you could pick up an outboard motor and put it on a boat right like that's all smoking that's all you needed right the 1970s glass of whiskey outboard motor yeah and just like your dick kind of hanging out your dick is like a little bit out of it. A little bit out of the shorts. Definitely balls. Just the top.

Balls hanging out one side, dick hanging out the other. Just a wink. Just a wink and a smile. You know, back in the day, the tips of their dicks used to be a lot more weathered.

Absolutely, yeah. They had these baby sensitive tips. Oh, no, no. They had leather. Oh, dude, you could bang it against a wall. Oh, no.

It looked like a cat ears. Sorry about that. Let me just put my dick back. What are that? He's got a mind of his own. We need to get back to that. My dick's made out of burlap. It looked like a cat ears man. Sorry about that. Let me just put my dick back. A lot of that. He's got a mind of his own. We need to get back to that. My dick's made out of burlap. It's fine.

Burt Reynolds dick. That's what he had. He had a Burt Reynolds dick. Burt Reynolds dick. Oh, Burt Reynolds. Didn't even know it was big. He's like, your dick doesn't look like this. I think Burt Reynolds had a suede.

I think he had a suede dick, dude. I think his dick was suede. I think because it got weird in the rain. It felt like suede. You can't get it wet. Draw your initials in it the wrong way. It's funny. I heard on somebody's show, they were talking about a heavy dick.

I feel like Reynolds had a heavy dick. Heavy, yeah. Oh, yeah. Heavy dick. Huey Lewis. My man had a door knocker. He's supposed to have the biggest bat. Really?

Yeah. Huey Lewis. Hefty. That was the new drug was his huge hog. Yeah. I hope somebody was going to walk over here and they just stopped and they're like, what's going on? Huey Lewis had a huge dog. He has a dick like you loaded your own bags at Trader Joe's.

You know what I mean? You don't know how to do it right and you put too much stuff in one bag. Yeah. Where it's just, oh, okay. All right. It's going to rip. I think he has the size of dick

where he doesn't have to take it all out at one time. No, no. Just enough to win. You can just take it apart. I've talked about this, but Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Nights, supposedly he was getting too much

that his bad dude split like a banana. I don't want... Oh. He's too full of... Chuck Negron, it's in his book. He said that he was just like having too much sex, and one day there was just like too much blood in his penis all the time, and it just kind of split like a banana on top.

Oh. I hate that. It's pretty wild. I hate that. I hate that. I don't know why I brought it up probably a dozen times on the show. I know. It hurts every time.

I like it. Visceral. Yeah. Time for my final pick. Cool. They got mango mountain dew listen uh i mean i hate to be the guy who is picking this person but somebody has to i'm taking jesus christ honestly kind of big small dick energy well small dick energy but a lot of buff dudes have small

oh i forgot that he was buff yeah we're not i thought we were talking about huge hugs no i'm taking i'm taking a buff dude. And I'm taking specifically the Jesus where you see him on a t-shirt where he's broken the cross. He's like flexed the cross in there. Oh, yeah. That's got to be a good feeling. He's just swole. One of those aggressive, like,

we got to get new people at the church. Yeah. He looks like the Jesus who looks like he played linebacker for the Raiders in the early 80s. Oh, I thought you wanted like runner, like pre-Fontaine Jesus. No, no, no, no, no, no. I want like, oh my God, play linebacker for the raiders in like the early 80s oh i thought you wanted like runner like no no no no no i want like i want like oh my god like the spear broke when it stabbed him right jesus try again yeah nice drive i'm talking about like the last supper he's eating like

8 000 calories it's all for him yeah clean protein you know what i mean just like as much as he can get in there to get those gains bro i'm gonna be out there for a while yeah yeah the lord's gym i'm talking about like venice beach boardwalk t-shirt jesus christ rollerblading neon rollerblades jesus just wailing on his axe yeah right exactly just like fucking yeah just crown of thorns sundown sundown electric guitar jesus i'm talking about like kurt Russell times Lou Ferrigno Jesus. I like that. Big buff dude. Big buff Jesus.

Great relationship with his father. And fucks. Oh, he's fucked non-stop. No condom. Don't even ask him. What's a condom? You'd be honored. If Jesus knocked you up,

you'd be fantastic. Son of, son of? Come on. Can't get pregnant in the butt. He wasn't trying to get anyone pregnant. I've heard that about The Rock. I heard that about Michael Jordan. I've heard that he only did

anal. Yeah. Smart. I heard that about Michael Jordan. I've heard that like he only did anal. Yeah. Because he didn't want to risk getting pregnant. Because he's smart. He's a smart guy. That's a crazy way to live your life. Yeah. I can't even imagine.

Any real racer knows. Having that be your standard. Well, The Rock doesn't necessarily have a big dick. Because you can't do dick work. Yes, he does. Okay, I'm sorry. All right. Sorry about that. That's my final sorry. All right. Sorry about that.

That's my final pick. So that wraps up the draft. To recap, Sean Jordan in Buff Dudes, you went first. You took The Rock, Hofthor Bjornsson, Michael B. Jordan, that buff kangaroo, and Popeye the Sailor Man. Michael, you went second. You took Hercules, Carrot Top, Bruce Lee, Jack LaLanne, and Richard Simmons. David, you went third.

You took Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Juice third. You took Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Juice Boys. You took Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sly Stallone, Hugh Jackman, J.K. Simmons, and Lionel from the Thundercats. I went last. I took Dolph Lundgren, Carl Weathers, Andre Rush, the buff White House chef, Brigitte Nielsen, and Jesus Christ. We left some buff dudes on the board.

Oh, Ronnie Coleman. Ronnie Coleman. I was thinking about Ronnie. That's my bodybuilder. I'm taking Ronnie over. Yeah, the board. Oh, Ronnie Coleman. Ronnie Coleman. I was thinking about Ronnie. That's my bodybuilder. I'm taking Ronnie over. Yeah, that dude. Oh, okay. He got so buff he couldn't walk.

That's buff, dude. That's the buffest. Tony Little, the gazelle guy with the ponytail. Oh, Tony Little. Is it a slight that nobody took Kamau? Oh, no. We didn't take Kamau. I didn't.

That is. I thought about it. Wow. It's a slight. Is he going to be upset? Yes, he is. Yeah. I didn't even think about thought about it wow it's a slight is he gonna be upset yes he is yeah i didn't even think about it what a bummer wow yeah terry cruz tom hardy angela bassett oh yeah she's so buff yeah it is god angela bassett camille when you hear this dude probably in the gym just use this as motivation you know let's get one more super

set back in there you're not done maybe maybe one that one last rep you can't do. Go ahead and do it. Tie that chain around your waist and do some fucking pull-ups, bro. Knock them out. He's an angel. Do you remember where you were when you saw that picture? Yes. Well, I thought it was like everybody else. I thought it was fake.

I don't remember where I was, but I remember where I was 10 seconds later, which is in the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Filming an episode of the Colgate Jackaloyne Jackoff Hour, dude. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter, AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com.

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