All Fantasy Everything - Candy (w/ Jon Cryer and Eden Dranger)

Episode Date: October 27, 2016

In the seventh episode we indulge our sweet tooth, celebrate the sacred art of trick-or-treating and fantasy draft candy! Host Ian Karmel is joined by actor Jon Cryer (Pretty in Pink, Two and a Half Men, Hot Shots!) and comedian Eden Dranger (Snacks and Hacks, Playboy, Time.) See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. This is a special Halloween edition of All Fantasy Everything. We are here drafting candy. Woohoo! Yes! Candy! It is, it is, it's, this is, it's an evergreen, it's an evergreen topic, but especially right now in late October, it's more-

For some reason. For some reason. It's all on, it's on everybody's minds. For some reason it goes- And everybody's hips. On everybody, yeah, yeah, twice on the hips even. For some reason it goes back to like a dead saint thousands of years ago. This is when we eat candy.

We've, let me introduce the guests. You've already, you've already heard from them. go. This is when we eat candy. Let me introduce the guests. You've already heard from them. Today, helping me fantasy draft candy, we have the comedian, the writer. She's a podcast host as well. We have Eden Dranger. Eden, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm doing great. I'm so excited. Competitive juices are flowing already. My sugar high is about to crash. Oh, did you pregame? Did you get some candy in you before this?

I had a sugary drink, but it will be candy later. It is. Oh, did you pregame? Did you get some candy in you before this? I had like a sugary drink but it will be candy later. I promise. That's good. Do you, we should save this for the draft. Does a sugary drink

count to you as candy or is there a whole different world? Oh, I do. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Especially if you put some Skittles in there.

Yeah. You can follow Eden on Twitter appropriately at Eden underscore eats. Yes. In addition to that, you have your own show called Snacks and Hacks. I do. Can you tell us, you have your own show called Snacks and Hacks. I do.

Can you tell us about that really quick? Yeah, Snacks and Hacks. We talk about life hacks. Yes. And snackable goods because no one talks about them. No. We talk about meals all the time. No one talks about snacks.

I love like a good. So what snacks are in rotation for you right now? What can you hit the people to? So we know we interviewed Paul Feig today and we just thought about this. Check that out, by the way. If you listen to this, listen to that. It'll be probably out next week.

Check that out later. After you listen to this. When we edit it, because we're slow. We were going to do lobster. So we're going to find a way to incorporate lobster into a snack. Nobody has ever... That's the trick, really. Because when Paul Fee, who always dresses up in a suit, talks to you about snacks, we ask him, like, do you eat snacks? And he's like, no, I eat caviar.

And how I would he? Right. Because he wears a waistcoat, crying out loud. He wears a bow tie, crying out loud. Cocktail attire, no problem for him. Going back to a convo we had off the air. And I've been really obsessing over lobstery things. There's this lobster truck.

Have you guys seen it? No. Their cousin's lobster. Does it look like a lobster or is it like a food truck that sells lobster? It's a food truck that sells. It's not as fun, but it's still cool. Yeah. And they had one.

I went to Hilarity for Charity last week. Absolutely. And they had them there and I'm like, I'm using this VIP ticket for a reason. Did you get a lobster roll with mayonnaise or a lobster roll with butter? Because those are the two sort of looks. I know. I kind of like it with butter. You like it with butter?

Does mayonnaise gross you out? A little bit. Some people can't do mayonnaise. Yeah, I don't like mayo. I like the drawn butter. More for me. Yeah. More for you.

Please take all those raw egg yolks. I'll take your, yeah. I've told this story in another podcast. I'll say it again really quick. One time I was at my aunt's for Passover, and she just ambushed me with a spoonful of homemade mayonnaise. That's not even a Passover. She was just like, hey, I made something. Do you want to try it?

It's messed up, right? Yeah. It's not even healthy. Right. She was like, I made something. It's sacrilegious. Would you want to try it? I was like, I would love to try it.

I love you. You're my aunt. And then it was a spoonful of mayonnaise. And I just had to sit there and eat a spoonful of mayonnaise. I was getting hazed into like a not that tough rat. Like that was their idea. Just a spoonful of mayonnaise.

That would not help the medicine. Mix the cholesterol and go insane. Yes, exactly. Yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, mix the cholesterol and go ape shit. Through the roof.

Oh, can I curse here? Absolutely, you can curse. Hell, damn. Yeah, totally. Whoa. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, sorry. The the roof. Can I curse here? Absolutely, you can cuss. Hell. Damn. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah, sorry. Sorry.

Filth. Now we're going to have to put that on that explicit content warning. The other voice you hear on the microphone is Mr. John Cryer, actor, podcaster himself. Why, yes. Two-time Emmy winner. Woo-hoo. Yeah. Do you ever hold him up to your face like you're answering a phone call?

Yes. I would do that all the time. I hide behind the door. It's like when people make deliveries or something like that, I pretend the phone rang. And then I hold it up. I'm like, oh, hey. Oh. That's not my phone.

No. Oh, what the? And then you pick up the other Emmy. And you're like, hello. Oh, I did it again. Or like if your wife wants you to do the dishes, be like, I can't. My Emmy phone is ringing. It's ringing.

I have to get it. Show business is calling. They're very pointy, though, I discovered, when you hold it up too much. There's one in our office. They're heavy and sharp. Yes. It's like a murder. It's absolutely a murder weapon.

What a horrible problem to have. It's a metaphor for fame. That's what it is. Yes, it is. It's heavy and sharp, but you want it. And it's gold. And it's a metaphor for fame. That's what it is. Yes, it is. It's heavy and sharp, but you want it. And it's gold. And it's a lady. I don't know what the lady part is.

I turned into Jerry Lewis at the end of it. It's pointy and sharp and a lady. People may know you, John, from Pretty in Pink, Two and a Half Men. I love you doing hot shots, personally. One of my all-time favorites. And people can also check out, you're on a podcast called Undisclosed right now. You tell people about that a little bit? Super serious podcast.

Yes. So basically, Undisclosed came out of the Serial podcast. Yes. Which was the story of Adnan Syed, its first season. Well, three lawyers, one of whom actually knew Adnan, got together and started investigating the minutia of the case. Yeah. And have actually recently gotten his case vacated. He's like up for bail now.

He is up. Yes, exactly. And they do remarkable work. At any rate, this year they're working on a new case, a kid named Joey Watkins. Well, he's no longer a kid. He's been in jail for 18 years. Former kid. Exactly.

But he was a kid when he was arrested. Yikes. And I co-host the show with them. Yeah. And it's been great because I'm a true crime nerd. Basically, they were trying to find – it's like, can we find somebody on TV who's willing to read like 128-page legal briefs? And I am that nerd. You were the only one.

I was the only one. John lifts up his hand. He's like, I will volunteer. Yes, I went into that breach, and it's been great. It came down to you and the NFL Network's Michael Irvin. I believe it was the two of you. It's a very small, select group. That's amazing.

That really is amazing. That sounds way more interesting, and and no offense than Serial Season 2 did to me because I got so because that was really interesting and it was great storytelling and then they changed it but I got so caught

yeah I got so caught up in like the legalese part of it and all that that I just kept wanting more well yeah I enjoyed Season 2 of Serial I did too I did too

I'm sorry I bet that was shade that I didn't mean to be shade don't worry it's still on the top charts yeah yeah yeah they're doing fine.

They're doing fine. Yeah, I don't worry about it. They're still getting their Survey Monkey money, or what is it? Mail Chimp money. Mail Chimp. Mail Chimp. Their Mail Chimp money. But boy, that was money well spent, those Mail Chimp people.

That was. Boy, they just said, oh, we'll do this. They're doing a little podcast. Well, hey, they can do it a lot. What a boom. That's like a crazy amount of bang for your buck, right? Yes, exactly. God bless them.

That male kimp lady is now doing, she's doing like the improvs and stuff. Oh, I hope not. She drives me crazy. She's bumping Ian Carmel at the improv. She's over for me. Can't you get the male kimp lady to do 10 minutes? Thanks. I called her.

Yeah, just go over up there and say chimp weird ways for 10 minutes. I'd watch that show. I would be a fun show, right? At least like a web series, for God's sake. John, also you have a memoir out right now called So That Happened. Yes, which is all the batshit crazy stuff that's happened to me in 30 years of being in show business. Absolutely. Go page by page through that book for us.

Could you do a sequel? Okay. Well, unfortunately, I'd have to wait another 30 years to do a sequel. But thankfully, my life is a little less batshit now. That's fantastic. Which makes for boring books. Now a crazy night for you is you're coming to a podcast studio

in Los Angeles. Yes. And I got it. And my wife is like, oh, you get to do all the kinds of fun stuff. I'm like, this is the fun stuff? Like, what happened to strip clubs and, you know, me and Motley Crue hanging out? That was the 80s.

Yeah, yeah. It was a different time. You can still hang out with Motley Crue, but now it would be like a podcast. It's kind of sad now, actually.

Hey, guys. You know, we'd be like going over our, you know, medications. Right, exactly. I feel like Motley Crue may need a few more

just after how hard they were living. They might. They might need a few more just after how hard they were living they might need a couple more so that's amazing, check out that book could I suggest a sequel that you could write right now? please do so that didn't happen, and then it's just everything that didn't happen mind blown

you're right there's so much more you should almost do something so that is who is with us today we are drafting candy. I'm so glad to have you guys here. I think it's going to be a lot of fun. Now, the way we determine draft order, as always, is the two of you will play rock, paper, scissor.

And whoever wins decides what the order is going to be. And it is a rock, paper, scissor shoot. So on shoot, you throw out whatever it was. Just to give you a warning, I. I'm going to do paper. Okay. See, but that's a psych out. I love this. See?

See? Yeah. Because now she's wondering, well, is he going to? Is he going to do paper? Is he going to do paper? Yeah. Let's do this. Okay, here we go.

I can't wait to see what happens. You actually look a lot more afraid than right before he said that. Yeah. There's concern washed across your face. I'm going to narrate the rock, paper, scissors. Though we're a very fun sporting event. All right. I'm not. Go ahead.

Play rock, paper, scissors. And we'll see if he's true to his word. Okay. One, two, three. It was two papers. Two papers. Whoa. She called my bluff.

Oh, my God. She called my bluff. It's bad luck. My testicles just retracted into my body. Nobody's ever done that. Nobody has ever done that. Nobody has ever done that. John is flustered. I'm flustered.

We have to do it again. Okay, got to do it again. We have to do it again. By the way, you didn't see this, but this is the most awkward Rochambeau ever. It looked like a baby giraffe standing up. What are we doing? We did not play sports, right? You have two people doing a fantasy draft who never have played sports in their lives. What are we doing? What are we doing? What are we doing? We did not play sports, right? No.

Two people doing a fantasy draft who never have played sports in their lives. Okay, so ready? Very socially awkward. Okay. One, two, three. Ah! I win! He switched it up to scissors. I switched it up to scissors.

John beat Aiden. Boom. Aiden, scissors to paper. Boom. Yeah, he did, guys. The competition. I almost just want the rest of the podcast to be rock, paper, scissors. Alright,

John, you won rock, paper, scissors, so you get to determine the order of the draft. Oh, okay. Who's going to pick first? Great. Who's going to pick first? And that has its advantages and disadvantages. Okay. Yeah. I'm going to say who picks first. I'm going to say you.

Alright. I very rarely get to pick first. I'm going to say you. All right. I very rarely get to pick first. I'm happy to do it. Would you like to go second or would you like Eden to go second? I'm going to go third. I was going to say I bet cleanup, but that's fourth, which wouldn't be third. But see,

I do know something about sports. If fourth is cleanup, you're like, make a mess a little bit? That's third? Yeah. Sounds like a third. So I would be third. Make a mess a little bit? Batten cleanup?

It kind of does sound like a third. Or it sounds like the person who has to come in after the sex, which is also not good. Eden, so you're going second. Okay. And John, you will be third in the draft. So let's get it started with the very first pick in the All Fantasy Everything candy draft. I am going to take the Butterfinger. Whoa.

Yeah. Whoa. Ian came to play. I did come to play. That's a serious one. It's a serious... I always loved Chico Sticks. Yes.

I'm a Chico Stick man. Okay. A Butterfinger is nothing but a Chico stick wearing a velveteen robe of chocolate. True. That's all it is. That's true.

Well, we're going to come up against that a lot. Yeah. You realize that many of these candies are just recombinations of other candies. Of other candies.

Yes. Much like Hollywood, really. Absolutely. Joseph Campbell spoke on the Butterfinger. No. Have you guys seen the Butterfinger reboot? Yeah.

With all female Butterfingers? I loved – growing up, I'll still mess with a Butterfinger every now and then, but growing up, there was nothing that made me happier than walking into a 7-Eleven or filling whatever convenience store you had in your town and grabbing like a king-sized Butterfinger. Because when you're little, that thing feels like a sword in your hand. It's gigantic. A Butterfinger is so big that it has to be broken in the middle. That's what felt like a sword in your hand? That's what it felt like a sword. Not all so blessed.

All right. No. It just felt hefty. It was big. And then you unwrapped it. And Bart Simpson was involved in the marketing of the Butterfinger. Nobody better lay a finger on it. Yes, that's true.

We can't forget that. It's very serious. It's to me – But now – Okay, I'm going to throw you off. Please go on. What about a Clark bar? Which is a Butterfinger?

It is a Butterfinger. It's with a marketing problem. Exactly. You're right. Clark is kind of stuck up. Clark is like the Joey of Friends. Remember they did that show called Joey? Oh, right, right.

Yeah, Clark isn't coming to party. But the Butterfinger is sort of a weird... Clark is an ugly bar, isn't it? Is it an ugly bar? No, it's not as substantial as the Butterfinger.

Like a sword in your hand, apparently. King Arthur over here. Absolutely. Lantula. What did you do with the Charleston Chew? That must have been like a lance. I'll tell you what I did when it comes off the board. If it comes off the board. Oh, you're right.

I've got to stop. I'm bringing up too many names. You've already blown the Clark Bar pick. Okay. The Clark Bar looks a lot like a Butterfinger. It's just not as rounded. It's got a little more like a Butterfinger. It's just not as rounded. It's got a little more of a ripple to it. It's got sort of like unsteady waters.

That's what they were going for. They were going for sort of a. It's the acne version. It is the pubescent Butterfinger. Oh, yeah. Let me ask you. Is the Butterfinger, do you think, supposed to taste like butter? Is that the origin of the name?

I thought they wanted it to be a little bit like peanut butter. Yeah. Crispity, crunchity, peanut butter. Crispity, crunchity, human parts. Yeah. You know? It's so weird. The finger kind of turns me off.

You don't like the finger part of it. No, it's like a butter toe. You don't like human anatomy being mentioned. Butter elbow. Butterlobe. Butterlobe. Oh mentioned. Butter elbow. Butterlobe. Butterlobe. Ew. I would need a butterlobe.

I would get a pack of butterlobes. Like if they came in like a packet. Yeah. Absolutely. Then I would do it. Like a small, clear plastic. Yes, exactly. Butterlobe.

Butterlobe. Crispity Crunchy Peanut Buttery, by the way, was. So it is supposed to be peanut buttery. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. The Butterfinger, of course. It's my first pick. But what is the finger portion?

What is that made of? I don't know. Do we have any idea? Fingers. Like the inside of it? Index fingers. Human bones. It is.

It's ground up human bones. You know, it does sound like you're eating teeth when you're eating it. Yeah, and it does. It gets stuck. It embeds itself in the crevices of your teeth. Like it will make your teeth feel flat. It will give you 30,000 cavities. Absolutely.

I grew up eating Butterfingers and I've never had a cavity. Also, I haven't been to the dentist in nine years. You might have. Undiscovered cavities. Could be some stealth cavities. There may be some undisclosed cavities in my mouth right now. Oh, that's a whole podcast. Undisclosed cavities.

Undisclosed cavities. That's also my noise rap band, Undisclosed Cavities. Yeah. That's also my noise wrap band, Undisclosed Cavities. Yeah, so Butterfinger, I had to go with the first pick. I couldn't let anyone else have it. I wouldn't be able to fall asleep tonight if somebody else had Butterfinger in their Halloween bag. Ooh, that's a fun way to think about this.

So was that like the prize possession in your Halloween bag growing up? The more Butterfingers, the better. When I looked into the bag and I saw yellow in there looking back at me, I was stoked. And I like every iteration. Like when they did Butterfinger BBs. You remember those ones where they were like

sort of loose floating little like gloves? Those are better. You prefer Butterfinger BBs. Yeah, because like biting into it with a whole finger was just like intense.

And the BBs just, I don't know. They were a little more, you could pop them, you could do a toss which is fun with a little candy. That's kind of cocky. I like it. It is a cocky move. Asshole a little more. You could pop them. You could do a toss, which is fun with a little candy. That's kind of cocky.

I like it. It is a cocky move. Asshole. Asshole. Just fuck you, Carmel. Yes. That's what Donald Trump does with his butterfingers. Absolutely.

Someone with a monocle does that. He's a dick. He probably does. Someone with a monocle. Or he has. Mr. Peanut. Yeah. That would be cannibalism.

What if he did like an Island of Dr. Moreau where he bred a real Mr. Peanut to feed him peanuts? Just like a tiny horrible creature that begs only for death. I love that idea. Or like a Mr. Monopoly. Oh, yes. Monocle Man. Donald Trump would be friends with him. Now we have to confront a horrible reality.

I was friends with him. I was. He was tremendous friends with him. I was. He was tremendous. Tremendous. Tremendous friend. Eden, you bring up a horrible reality that we have to – the Monopoly guy would probably be kind of a dick. Oh, yeah. Right?

I mean the fact that he supports McDonald's. He does support McDonald's. He's a big Monsanto. He's heavily invested in Monsanto. What is the Monopoly man's role? Is he the mayor? He's not the mayor, is he, of Atlantic City, where Monopoly takes place? Oh, that's a good question.

Who the fuck is the Monopoly man? Because he hands out the community chest. What the fuck is that? Have you guys seen a community chest in any city? No, I have not. I demand to see your community chest. But then when you get the, when he's broke, it's him. He's penniless. Yes, he's penniless.

That sounds like Donald Trump. You're right. The parallels are strong. Are we the Monopoly man? Whoa. Whoa. Only if we pass go. Absolutely.

Speaking of passing, we have passed my first pick. And we are moving on now to Eden Ranger. Okay. You have the second pick, your first pick of the first round of the candy draft. You are on the clock. There's no clock, but you're on it. Okay. So mine is Whoppers.

Oh! I knew I'd get a reaction. I love a malted ball. I love a malted ball. This is why you were so big on the Butterfinger BBs. I think so. I know, right? You were so big on the Butterfinger BBs.

You were so big on the Butterfinger BBs. I'm sorry to interrupt know, right? So big on the Butterfinger BBs. So big on the Butterfinger BBs. I'm sorry to interrupt. Please talk us through your Whoppers pick. Just because, first of all, kind of awesome that now, I don't know if you guys have been abroad to like London, but they have Maltesers there. Sure. And now they're bringing it here, which blew my mind. I'm like, what?

What are the Whopper people going to think? I love that you worry about their business models. I know this because I was watching daytime news. Yes. And they were saying, oh, by the way, between the dumb dog that got saved today, Maltesers are coming to the U.S. Oh, my God. Like a Maltese dog got saved or something like that? What kind of stupid shit they have on daytime news?

Where they're like, oh, it's another British invasion, but this time with malted candy. Which is the right one. Yes. Yeah. Available for any news service. We're Brexiting in chill. Yeah. Some dumb joke like that.

They always tell the dumbest jokes, too. They love it. There is a clip. I interrupted you for one second just because I don't think about it and tell people. There is a clip right now. If you just type into YouTube, like, newscaster man set on fire. What? Just look that up. It's one of the funniest.

I'll show you guys off there. It's one of the funniest YouTube. No one's ever on fire. It's just like a newscaster being, like, not pausing at the right moment. Right. It's an amazing video. Okay. Anyway.

Whoppers. The Whoppers. Or Maltesers. Let's get back to the Whoppers. Kind of the happy days of candy. Okay. Anyway. Whoppers. The Whopper. Or Maltesers. Let's get back to the Whoppers. Kind of the happy days of candy. It harkens back to an age that existed before me. I love the taste of malt. I didn't know I liked it until I had a Whopper.

Yeah. What's malt? Oh, I guess I like it. I guess I'll eat it. Yeah. I love that that's your attitude. Yeah. I don't know what it is.

I'll eat it. You end up eating a lot of bad stuff. Like, what is know what it is. I'll eat it. You end up eating a lot of bad stuff. Like, what is this, a rock? I'll eat it. Okay. I mean, I don't know how people end up eating chicken. Oh, my gosh. That chicken has a period?

What? We're going to eat its eggs. Like, okay. How do we get to that? It's not technically a period. It's an abortion. Exactly. Don't make it gross.

I'd like my abortion sunny side up, please. With fungus, please. What is malt? Do you know what malt is? That's a good question. I don't. Isn't it a grain? Isn't it like a –

I think it is. Is that an element on the periodic table? It is. Next to like cronium or something? And malt. MT. Isn't that known or something? I don't know.

No, what I loved about Whoppers was they came in a, at least where I was, in basically a carton, like a carton of milk. Yeah. And so you would pop open the top and then just- Spill it out. Guzzle a bunch of Whoppers. Yeah. Straight into the mouth.

Yes. It's a smart move because it makes you eat like 40 of them. Like at once. You know what I mean? I know. You don't feel bad about it. I eat like 40 of them Like at once I know And everybody wins Yeah exactly It's like honey what did you do with the milk or Whoppers

It's like you can confuse them really easily If I were incredibly wealthy I would only have Whopper cartons in my fridge Can I have some cereal Please help yourself You're really living But Whoppers would make any cereal taste good yourself. You're really living. But Whoppers would make any cereal taste good.

Absolutely. In fact. Grape nuts edible. Yes. Yeah. Well, come on. That's gravel. Who came up with grape nuts?

They're the dumbest. It's very dumb. They're hard. Nobody. Does anybody eat them? I don't know anybody who eats them. Can I tell you my theory on grape nuts? They're one of those weird Puritan foods that they invented to curb masturbation.

And for some reason, like the graham cracker. Mission accomplished. Delicious. And when you eat it, you're so tired from chewing that you're like, oh, no time for sexual deviancy. Off to sleep for the fields away from you tomorrow. Or like, I guess I hate myself enough to eat this, so why would I even bother masturbating?

I don't deserve me in either aspect. Yeah. Yeah. No. When I feel disgusting, that doesn't stop me from. I know. Right. Yeah.

In fact, it incites it. And then again, immediately after. And there's no grapes or nuts. No, neither one. Of course. That's. Yeah. That's.

Why does the grape. It's also the same with the grapefruit. Why does the word grape just get thrown around all willy nilly like that? Yes. The grape has a. You know, the grape doesn't have a good team of lawyers. You need to talk to your podcast buddy. Okay. I'm on it.

I'm on it. The grape has like at least 15 different libel cases just waiting on it. And yet stuff like jam and wine does not have the word grape in it. Nowhere near it. What's going on with grapes? Grown-up grape juice. And like champagne in it. Nowhere near it. What's going on with grapes? Grown up grape juice. And like champagne is grapes. Champagne is grapes.

And it's nowhere near. You think that's what grape nuts are trying to do and grape fruit is trying to horn in on the elegant legacy of grapes? I think some like masters at Kellogg's just want to shred our mouths. I think grape nuts is Post. Oh, is it? I think. Of course. Post makes the dumbest shit.

They make the dumbest shit. Of course. Post makes the dumbest shit. They make the dumb shit. Of course. Name one good Post cereal. I can't think of any. I can't think of any. Don't they do the Flintstones? Don't they do the Pebbles? Yeah, that's a ripoff of Flintstones.

No, no. I beg to differ. They are not? We might have to hit the internet for here. Don't you hate it when, like, back in the day, you could just not know things and be okay with it? Like, I don't know. I'm just going to move on. Those days are gone. Those days are gone, man. We need to find out who makes Fruity Pebbles. Who makes, like, back in the day, you could just not know things and be okay with it? Like, I don't know. Those days are gone.

Those days are gone, man. We need to find out who makes Fruity Pebbles. Who makes, yes, Fruity Pebbles. Post does make the Pebbles. Okay. Okay. Post makes the Pebbles. Oh, you look it up that fast.

Wow. I got the laptop. That's the crowning glory, though, of Post. Yeah. Anyway. Absolutely. But you didn't pick Fruity Pebbles. You picked Whoppers.

Whoppers go great with popcorn. Yes. If you just throw it in there, it's great. I know. It's great. That didn't even occur to me.oppers go great with popcorn. Yes. If you just throw it in there, it's great. I know. It's great. That didn't even occur to me. That is a great movie snack. I once got Whoppers and popcorn, and they spilled.

And I was like, all right, fuck it. And then I just ate them together, and I was like, this is amazing. Into one another. Sort of that's the way that Reese's Peanut Butter was supposed to be invented, right? Like, you got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Yeah. One of those. Not to You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Yeah. One of those.

Not to spoil another pick that possibly later. Here's, can I get, can I levy one criticism of your Whopper pick? Fine. The Halloween option for Whoppers

is a very small sleeve and it's like three Whoppers. It's like three. It's pretty stupid. I almost never just want three Whoppers. However, whenever I've gotten it

as a kid, they always used to give you like a handful of them. Like, they gave me at least a couple. That's odd. What do they get, a scoop? Like one of those, you like a handful of them. Like they give you at least a couple. That's odd. What do they get? A scoop? Like one of those, you know, like you're scooping the coffee beans out or something. Like a bulk van at Whole Foods? Like a bulk van.

They just have a huge, they have a garbage can full of Whoppers and they just... What you need is to go to like the expensive areas, like go to Bel Air to those like mansions and they give you like the carton. Yeah. They just give you the whole thing. The Costco sized carton. They give you stocks inon. Yeah. They just give you the whole thing. The Costco sized carton.

They give you stocks in whatever company. They give you a share of post. Was that your move? For all the good that does. Was that your move as a kid? Would you try to, on Halloween, try to go to the richer neighborhood?

Yeah, because my, well, I went to a richer school. A lot of kids in my school were rich and I was poor so no one wanted to come to my neighborhood. Right. Little orphan Annie over rich and I was poor. So no one wanted to come to my neighborhood. Right. Little orphan Annie over here.

I was poor. No, no. But my neighborhood had a lot of little – I lived on a tent on top of canters. They had a little – they had a lot of little old ladies. Yes. Who didn't want to bother what to sleep at like 4 p.m. Oh, right.

So they would leave a bowl out. And of course, all the kids in my neighborhood just took the bowl. Oh, yeah. Free bowl, everyone. They took the bowl as well? Yes. Left the candy even? That's why if you go

into their houses for breakfast, they're like, what's that giant bowl? Someone else's Halloween candy bowl? So we used to go to like, we literally went to like, Bel Air and like, those fancy ass Beverly Hills mansions.

And I remember actually one time – do you guys know Ben Stein? Yes. Sure. We knocked on a door and Ben Stein answered and gave me Kit Kats. I remember what he gave me. Kit Kats. Class act, Ben Stein. Yeah, he worked for the Nixon administration, but I think he made up for it by giving you Kit Kats.

Did he support Trump? Probably. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, right? Yeah. I believe he did. He's still giving you Kit Kat. Did he support Trump? Probably. Yeah, I believe so. Yeah, right? I believe he did. He's still around. He's still kicking. All right.

No, just be glad for the Kit Kat. Be glad that your interaction was good. You met him on the peak of his mountain. Right. Yeah. Funny thing about Whoppers, though. I know we all hate the smell of farts, but some farts smell like Whoppers and I swear it.

I swear it. Okay. Just ones that you encounter out in the world or like your own? Some of mine have smelled like Whoppers. Specifically. I don't remember anybody else's. This has turned into bragging. But to be quite honest, I thought I was crazy.

So one day I Googled this. Farts that smell like Whoppers. Apparently it's a thing. It's not just you? Apparently there was Reddit threads about this. Of people gushing how they swear that, yeah, they had this one time where their farts smelled like Whoppers. I'm not even kidding. Maybe that's where malt comes from.

So that's my theory. Malt is collected farts. I think that's kind of cool that someone's fart can smell like a Halloween candy. That is cool. That is cool.

What's your costume? Oh, it's more of a... That's a funny thing that people don't really do. They always do the visual. They use that for Halloween costumes. But your Halloween costume

could be a smell. A smell? I like it. They're thinking out of the box. It could be one of those glade accents. That's mine. You're thinking out of the box, but you're thinking in the carton. With your first pick. Well done. With your first pick,

these segues are fun. This is a fun segue. An amazing pick with Wobbers. John, it is now your turn for your first pick. Okay. The final pick of the first round. Okay, this is it. You'll see all the gravitas that I bring to this.

Yes. And what I bring to the table is Sugar Daddy. Bam! Sugar Daddy. Sugar Daddy. You can't hang on to Sugar Daddy. Cannot hang on. And remember that they used to have, you'd open the wrapper and there'd be a little card.

Now, I don't know. That's a generational thing because when I was a kid, there'd be a little card with like a race car on it or some cool image of Jet or something. But they stopped that probably for your generation. I'm older than you. They gave us Furbies. Oh, okay. Okay. That's us Furbies. Oh, okay. Okay. That's pretty good too.

But what I loved about the Sugar Daddy was you – first, the thing was solid. So solid. When you first started working on it. It's like dark matter. Yes, exactly. And you could work one side. You could work the other side. But soon it would soften up a little bit and you would put it in and it would conform to the roof of your mouth.

Yeah. it would soften up a little bit and you would put it in and it would conform to the roof of your mouth and be stuck there because it was an airtight seal and you could use the stick as a handle for your skull. Yeah. I know exactly. It's a weird thing, but I know exactly what you're talking about. Exactly. Yeah. You became like your own sort of like marionette.

Yeah. Which is handy for some reason. It is good. We all have those moments in life. Yeah Yeah. Which is handy for some reason. It is good. We all have those moments in life. Yeah. It's good if you're married. It is good. Honey, look this way.

But also tastes delicious. It's just caramel. So good. Just in solid rock form. Concentrated caramel. Concentrated. Which is another one of my noise rock bands. What's the last name?

Caramel. Yeah. It is a, if you bite into it too early, it's a death trap. Oh no, yes. Your teeth will never return. It's a death trap.

They're embedded and you're done. It might pull part of your skull out. Remember what happened to the kid from Stranger Things? What happened? Did he bite into it?

Oh yeah. That's the explanation. That's the far, that's how toothless got toothless, guys. He bit into a sugar daddy too early. That's the explanation. That's how Toothless got Toothless, guys. He bit into a sugar daddy too early. No one stopped him. It's conceivable.

The upside down couldn't stop him. It would explain a lot. I love the sugar daddy's aesthetic. I love the wrapper. Okay, the yellow and the red. It's fun. It's fun. It's kind of confusing with a Charleston shoe.

Isn't that the same colors? Well, there is one. Okay. The Charleston Chew, yes. Oh, you're saying the colors. I didn't realize you were going for the colors. No, the colors. The colors.

Charleston Chew was yellow. Yeah. It was nougat, right? No. It was sort of a marshmallow-y center. And very long. Super long. And you would put it in the freezer.

Yes. And then you take it out and crack it up up and they'd say on the side of it, crack it up. I loved a frozen Charleston shoe. Yes. Yeah. That was a, grade school was a big Charleston year for me because I was into Charleston shoes and then they also taught us that dance at grade school. Just if anyone at

home wants to update my Wikipedia. So you lived in the 30s? Or the 20s? We were in a weird, at my school they did this weird thing where they were like trying to figure out different ways to get us active. And they were like maybe if we teach them the electric slide in the Charleston. And this was a real thing they attempted. In gym class in Beaverton, Oregon, like Mr. Zetterberg would like blast the – maybe this was just his personal mission, the way he was going to change physical education. But like they would blast the electric slide and and we would just do the electric slide.

And then they'd be like, all right, now we're going to learn the Charleston. And they would play these jangly Scott Joplin piano songs. And all these kids in bum equipment shorts or whatever would do like the Charleston. But we are getting far off topic. The sugar daddy. No, sorry. No, please. What about the sugar baby? What do you feel about that? The sugar baby's never as satisfying.

Because the thing is, the sugar daddy was a challenge. And it was a skull mover. You had to dedicate a certain amount of time to it. And it rewarded that time greatly. Whereas a sugar daddy,

you chew it, it's chewier than the... It's not nearly as solid. The sugar baby has a lot of give right off the bat. Exactly. And it's gone too fast. It's a pushover. It's good for the movies. I want to work for it. Sugar baby doesn't respect itself. Sugar daddy comes in there.

Exactly. You've got to prove yourself to a sugar daddy. Abort your sugar babies, guys. work for it. Yeah. Sugar baby doesn't respect itself. Sugar daddy comes in there. Exactly. You got to prove yourself to a sugar daddy. Abort your sugar babies, guys. Abort it. Oh, we're back to the abortion. I'm kidding. Go adopt it or something. That's better. Give up your sugar babies for adoption.

Yeah. Get on to a home that has somebody with weak teeth. It's like a Juno story. Somebody who's not patient. Nice couple, like a Jason Bateman type. Yeah. A sugar daddy does teach patience. You have – it's a candy that you absolutely – it's like a jawbreaker.

It's like a little step down. Jawbreaker is very patient-y. Very patient-y. But has no stick. Well, some lollipop jawbreakers do. I guess you could. I don't want – I mean, I don't want to say anything about jawbreakers in case anyone's going to – Oh, yes.

We've already blown. We've blown the Charleston Chew. We've gone through a lot. We're blowing a lot. This is going to be a long podcast. I'm just going to talk because I'm not going to take Jawbreaker. Are you guys either planning on taking Jawbreaker? No, not anymore.

Fuck Jawbreakers. All right? Fuck. They hurt your tongue. I got a Jurassic Park Jawbreaker for my birthday one year, and I was so excited. And when you lick through it, it takes forever. It hurts your tongue. You're like a child with a bleeding tongue.

It's torn off the flesh of your tongue. Oh, gosh, you're right. It is because you're going at it like a coward assault lick for like a week and a half. And it doesn't really taste good. It just kind of tastes like sugar. It just makes you glad to be alive in this day and age. Because there was a time when you were both, when that was the height of candy technology,

and we were so bored that we were like, to pass the time this winter, we will take to the jawbreakers. This is before iPhones. Yeah. Long before iPhones. This is before fucking sugar daddies. We don't have Netflix.

What do we do? Oh, I guess we get to lick this ball for a while. Another bad way of stopping people from masturbating. Right. Yeah. Probably that one would actually – well, that would at least stop cunnilingus anyway. How about a grape nut covered jawbreaker? Oh, God.

Oh, grape nut. Just punishment. That's what you get in the middle of the jawbreaker is actually one grape nut. One grape nut. In progressive countries, that's actually the alternative to prison time. Like Sweden, if you commit a crime, you have to finish a jawbreaker. The sugar daddy is a great pick. Is there anything left to say about the sugar daddy?

It is a little... What came first, by the way? The candy or a man who economically supports a woman? Damn. Oh, that's a good question. Yes. I'm going to say the candy, I think. I hope it's the candy.

Otherwise, it's real weird that they named it that. Yes, it would be very strange to name the candy after... Hey, guys, what if we named the candy? Lazy laugh. I have an idea, daddy. Yeah, that's a very good question. You got the laptop. I do, yeah.

Hit it. Hit it. Which came first? All right. They should teach this in schools, guys. All right. Along with the Charleston. Supply some fun banter in the background while I look this up really quick.

Okay. What about Sugar Mommy? To my knowledge, there is no Sugar Mommy, which would sound biologically impossible considering they're sugar babies. No, there are. It's like a Tootsie Roll. There was a Sugar Mama? No, there isn't.

Yeah, it was like a- Now you mentioned Tootsie Rolls. I know. It was just- But you know what? Fuck those flavored Tootsie Rolls that aren't caramel flavored. I know. Fuck those.

Get them. They just give you multicolored cavities. Exactly. Exactly. And they don't – they taste like a little weird like there's vanilla and there's like a strawberry. Fuck that. No. It's retarded.

If I can jump in, I'm sorry. I haven't exactly found the fact but I have to weigh in on this. I'm so with you. Because you get what you're expecting to be a Tootsie Roll, which you're excited about because it's a delightful candy. I like a Tootsie Roll anyway. Love them. And then you wrap it, and then it's like a feeble attempt at vanilla.

If I wanted vanilla, I would have gotten something with vanilla in it. Damn it. If I wanted orange, I'm sorry for jumping in. I'm going back to the left. I would have eaten it in orange. Yes. How many licks does it get to the center of this problem? Oh, no, no.

We're not even going to talk this. Yep, yep, yep. We're moving on. I'm blowing my eyes. Yes. The sugar daddy was invented in 1925 by chocolate salesman Robert Welch, who died 60 years later. He got young in the game. Good for him.

Okay, yeah. Yeah. God bless him. It's the candy invention. Gives me hope. It's a young man's game. It is. It's very, very aggressive. It's dog eat dog, but go ahead. God bless him. It's the candy invention. Gives me hope. It's a young man's game. It is. It's very, very aggressive.

It's dog eat dog, but go ahead. Oh, my God. There was a sugar mama. There was. From 1965, but it went away in the 80s. Wow. Did it come back? Yeah. It was a chocolate-covered caramel sucker.

Essentially, Sugar Daddy covered in chocolate. Oh. Yeah. Okay. That sounds like a sugar mommy totally. It does. A woman's like, no, my shit's covered in chocolate yeah i gotta deal with men okay this is blowing my mind there's no i i'm assuming the sugar daddy came later i mean but it doesn't mention it whether that the name yeah came from

that oh man um i'm not in the business. I could ask the higher-ups, but I don't know. I'm not. It was originally called the Papa Sucker. It was? That sounds even worse. What? Papa Sucker? And then it was changed to Sugar Daddy in 1932

to take advantage of the slang of the day. So maybe not. Oh, my God. So it went from Papa Sucker, which is clearly suck my penis. Yeah. To Sugar Daddy. Oh, I'm paying a woman to have – I'm keeping a woman to have sexual liaisons with me. This is fucking up the whole enjoyment of this wonderful candy. You know, it was – okay, wait.

Although its origin is somewhat obscure, one of my references – this is the person writing this – offered a reasonable explanation. In 1908, Adolf Spreckles, heir to the Spreckles sugar fortune – That can't be good, that first name. Heir to the Spreckles sugar fortune, along with his brother, married a woman – well, the two of them didn't. Spreckles sugar. Adolf Spreckles married a woman 24 years his junior. OK. Alma was apparently quite a babe. She called't. Adolf Spreckles married a woman 24 years his junior. Okay. Alma was apparently quite a babe.

She called her husband Adolf her sugar daddy because he came from the sugar fortune. Not Adolf the Hitler? Not Adolf the Hitler, who would come later. Yes. And so its origin was listed as occurring in, that's like 1915 to 20. Jeez. So it is named after a richer old man. Oh my God.

The sugar, the candy is named, I would have bet everything that it was the other way around. Dollars, yes. I am astonished. Yeah. I no longer regret coming here this evening. This is all worth it now.

You're the first person who hasn't regretted it. So thank you for saying that. And you can shorten it to just Melania Trump. You just changed it to Melania. A handful of Melanias. Amazing. See, it's edutainment. That's all this is. Now, John Cryer, that was your first

pick, the sugar daddy. Yes. Since it is a serpentine draft, you also have the first pick of the second round. And you are on again. Okay. Yeah. I'm gonna go for Fun Size the first pick of the second round. Oh. And you were on again. Okay. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. I'm going to go for Fun Size Three Musketeers. Oh.

Fun Size Three Musketeers. Yeah. Yeah. Because it's the perfect size. Because a real Three Musketeers, a real one is fake, but a real one is too much nougat. It's a lot of nougat. That's a lot of nougat. Now, this usually works better when we disagree and stuff like that, but I can't not. You can't. No, I agree 100%. That is too much nougat. That's a lot of nougat. Now, this usually works better when we disagree and stuff like that, but I can't not.

You can't. No, I agree 100%. That is too much nougat. For any human. That's 12 musketeers. That's way too much nougat. Yeah. Yeah.

The normal size should have really been the fun size. Yes. Yes. And what with the fucking king size three musketeers that they sell at the CVS, they're trying to kill people. That is – Yeah. It should be illegal to have that much nougat. It's an abomination.

Yes. There's not enough else going – because it is. It's the perfect amount of nougat in a fun-sized one. You get a little mouthful of nougat. You get a little chocolate. There's not enough else going on in a Three Musketeers for it to be that big. You know what I mean? It's like you don't want like a 15-minute song from the Ramones.

You want like a three-minute, like kind of like fun, you know, like three-chord driven thing. Rock, rock, rock, rock, rock, rock. Exactly. Yeah. And that's the Three Musketeers. It's the Ramones. I was never a fan of the Three Musketeers to begin with.

Go on. Like it was fine. Go on. Like I eat any candy, honestly. Yeah. You're just baiting her now. You're just like, yeah, yeah. Please, yeah.

Get John Madden. There's a commercial of it where they're like, Three Musketeers, it's so light. And it just kind of floats. And I'm like, yeah, it's not fulfilling. Well, I mean, sometimes that's what you want out of a candy. I don't want like a pretend light. It wasn't advertised as like a diet candy. It's like a filtered cigarette.

Yeah. I'm like, what am I supposed to do with this? It just felt awkward. You know, that was kind of a weird ad campaign. It's like you won't even remember you ate it. I don't understand the three musketeer part of it either. There weren't like three colors, were there? Maybe.

There have to be three. Is it three ingredients? Is that, do you think, the etymology of the name? But there's not. Did you guys look on the label? Yeah. There's like, there's a lot. There's like red 40. All these chemicals I can't pronounce. It is a delicious candy.

Are there any other, well, I mean, this is us talking about other candies now. Why don't we go to, John, what was your Halloween strategy when you were growing up? Where did you grow up? I grew up in New York City. New York City. It's not a food chain. And yes.

So it was – you hit your apartment building mostly. And if you were really – if you were enterprising, you would hit another apartment building. We did not specifically hit – try to hit like super high-end apartment buildings like burglars. Because candy is not a super expensive, you know, we weren't going for the high-end expensive

candy per se. Truffle candy, yeah. Yes, exactly. But what I loved was in New York City, there would always be teenagers who clearly should not be doing this any longer. Yes. Who made the barest effort to wear a costume, which was they would smear their face with something, like some red. And they're like, I'm a zombie or some shit.

Yeah, yeah. You know, and it was offensive. It was just offensive to see them walking around copping the same amount of candy that I, who had done full face makeup from Kiss. I was the star child. You were the star child. Motherfuckers. Perfect. And I worked on my outfit.

I had the boots. And, you know, I came to play, as I said. You're like peewee football shoulder pads on. Exactly. Exactly. So that was offensive. And there were always the scary stories of Halloween candy tampering and all that stuff, which, by the way, is a myth. There has never been a documented case of Halloween candy tampering.

Where does that come from? Just like jokesters? It came from, interestingly, a very scary situation where a father actually poisoned his kid's Halloween candy. Oh, my gosh. So that's where it came from, which is horrifying and grisly, of course. Of course. But, of course, because we're Americans, we panic. That's how we roll.

And we X-ray our fucking candy for decades after one fucking incident. Yeah, how do you feel about your kids going out there now? I'm okay with it. I'm like, yes, I dare to be great, kids. And we put on the dog costume-wise as well. We're the Addams Family this year, I'm just saying. What? I'm going to be Gomez.

My wife is going to be Morticia, which is hot. That is a hot one. Yeah, my daughter is a little – I always loved the relationship between Gomez and Morticia. Come on. Can I be cousin in? One of the best relationships. Just the hand.

It's an easy costume. It's an easy costume. You can find one. I will be being Uncle Fester alone at my house in Glendale. So it's – Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But now I'm there.

I'm with you in spirit. Okay, good. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. They had a great – those two had a great relationship. They did. I'm with you in spirit. Okay, good. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. They had a great – those two had a great relationship. They did. I really loved it.

Morticia, they supported each other. They seemed to have a vibrant sex life well into their marriage. Yeah, he was into her. He was so into her. He was like, gotta me. He would kiss her. He couldn't stop himself and she was just hanging back a little. Sassy.

But you knew she dug it. There's a part of me that wishes I could be Raul Julia in the Addams Family. That's a smooth man. That is an eternally smooth man. Just the stache. Just the pencil thin. Come on. Barely there.

But I can't even tango. So that's out the window. Okay. Sorry. It's all right. Eden, do you know what you're going be for halloween this year do you have a plan i was uh hilarity for charity was a halloween themed and i wanted to rip up the emailed invitation i can't say rip up an invitation anymore i just want to flick your

screen a little bit toss my computer out the window um i was because it was like on the 15th two weeks before halloween yuck city too. Too early for me to think about it. So I was a Snapchat filter with the butterflies. Oh, that's kind of fun. Yeah. Oh, that's cool. That's a great idea. Yeah, that's great.

And I did like my cheekbones all like super sculpted and it was fun and I could dress somewhat normal on the bottom. Yes. Because it's annoying to go – Because you wear whatever in a Snapchat. Yeah. Yeah. But it was cool.

I went to Michael's. I don't know if you guys have ever been to this craft shop. Because you wear whatever in a Snapchat. Yeah. But it was cool. I went to Michael's. I don't know if you guys have ever been to this crap. Oh, my God. I live at Michael's. My daughter and I. How do you not spend $1,000? I do. I spent $1,000.

I made a bunch of money on a TV show. I know. You can spend $1,000. And it's all going to Michael's. It's all going to pipe cleaners and pom-poms. Exactly. Dude, I got like a nice glue gun. I got these fake butterflies and I painted them. Yeah.

And I made this whole thing. And yeah, it cost me like, you know, a WGA like paycheck. But it was so worth it. And all these fun people came up to me and was like, I know what you are and that's clever. They loved it. And that's all I needed. That's all the validation I needed. Just one of those. I see what you've done. I's clever. And that's all I needed. That's all the validation I needed. Just one of those.

I see what you've done. I was toying with a few ideas. I was thinking maybe I'll do David Bowie because I loved him and he just died. Did you see other David Bowies? There were like five David Bowies. Ah, see? Yeah. Next year.

There was a ducky. Oh. Yes. I've only had one come to my door ever. Oh. That is a – did you like take a picture? Yes, I took a picture. I tweeted the picture.

I was like, 30 fucking years I've been waiting for this. He did a good job, too., did you like take a picture? Yes, I took a picture. I tweeted the picture. I was like, 30 fucking years I've been waiting for this. He did a good job, too. He did a great job. I'm sure his mind, his like, he must have just like, What the? What are the odds? But more of how scary, like, not scary, but like

strangely, oh my gosh, Doug, you want to take a picture with me? Well, I was in my Stormtrooper outfit. So you had to pull your helmet off. I had to pull my helmet off. A Stormtrooper came to your door too? Well, yes. Actually, we could have made a little

Imperial Stormtrooper. And have bad aim. That's amazing. I have no idea what I'm going to draw. I still don't. I'm one of the people with I'm like on the day of Halloween like running around like – There's all these BuzzFeed lists. I need tool. I need what?

There's all these BuzzFeed lists that you can look at. There's so many BuzzFeed lists. Yeah. I might just go to one of those. Do you want to be something clever or like something punny or – I don't know. I work on the Late Late Show with James Corden. You have a lot of pressure on you.

So I have to – but the problem is we have two shows that day. Oh, it's a double show day. So I'm at like work all day, like writing the show. And so I have to put on set. They can't be like too crazy. Didn't you ask Lady Gaga for like a prop today? I should have. You should have.

I absolutely should have. We met Lady Gaga today. Oh, I know. Come on. She's a hugger, by the way. Oh, that's nice to hear. Me and three other writers are just standing there. And she's like, hi, hi, I'm Stephanie. And just like hugs all around. Oh, I's nice to hear. Me and three other writers are just standing there. And she's like, hi, hi, I'm Stephanie.

And just like hugs all around. Oh, I love her already. The sweetest pea in the salad, that one. She doesn't get much license. She does leave out like a Kermit to put on, I don't know, something of her outfit. You know what? If one day when I don't have anything to do on Halloween, I would love to be Elton John when he dressed like Donald Duck. Specifically. Not a Donald Duck costume. but elton john dressed as donald yeah so i'm gonna donald duck costume and i have a little piano and crazy glasses that's i'm for it i love that i want

to i want to do that i love it this isn't the year for it it would be wasted i'm stuck inside an office all day so i'll probably just put on like a Coogee sweater and go as biggie like I do every single day of my life. The Three Musketeers bar though. Wonderful pick. Also a bar where they will do a lot of different flavors. They'll do like the Dark Three Musketeers. They'll fuck with a little bit. They'll do like a

cherry. I have a list of flavors here in front of me. Oh my goodness. I was like, where is he coming this up from? They've done a coconut. Ew. Really? They've done a coconut one. I don't hate that choice because it's – okay, regular Three Musketeers is the nougat and then there's a thin layer of caramel right underneath the chocolate goodness.

And I always kind of like the ice flow thing where if you break up the bar a little, there's always a chunk of chocolate that sticks on the top with the caramel on the bottom and then a little bit of nougat on the bottom, and that's kind of choice. I know what you're talking about, that little piece. Yes, the break, yeah. A little ice flow of chocolate wonderfulness. The shark's fin soup of the three musketeers.

Just that one piece. Good to bring up shark's fin soup whenever you can, guys. The sharks are dying at an alarming rate. So really, this is the... Don't see Shepard Fittler. I'd like to take a break. Good to bring up Shark's Fin Soup whenever you can, guys. The sharks are dying at an alarming rate. So really, this is the – Don't – I'd like to take a break in the podcast and talk about the plight. It's an amazing pick and it elicits such fun conversation. Eden, can you make an equally amazing pick with your second pick, the second pick of the second round?

I will. I'm going to go with the Twix bar. Oh, the Twix! Oh! It's all in the mix. Yeah. Talk us through your Twix picks. Or Two for Me, None for You. There's a few. There's a few great slogans. There's a few great slogans that they had. Yes.

Or like, now they have this whole right Twix, left Twix campaign going on. Yes. Yeah. Which I feel like is very political. Yes. Why are we doing feel like is very political. Yes. Why create conflict? Why are we doing that? Why, you know? It's such an evergreen thing. Why are we?

It should unite people. I bet they did that before they expected this election to get this contentious. Where they're like, we'll be kind of in on the fun spirit of the election. And then people- Shit. That got horrible. And then they're like, oh, oh, oh. It'll be cute. Like the old days. They just want Twix. and Twix was like, oh. It'll be cute.

Like the old Twix. When it was Nixon versus Kennedy, it'll be cute like that. Right, exactly. Yeah, one Twix is sweating during a speech. It is a cookie and a caramel in a chocolate bar, right? I mean, that's sort of the. You can't get any better than that. A Twix is fucking great.

And all their new versions of it, like the Twix Dark and the Peanut Butter, all great. I love a Twix in an ice cream situation. Oh. When there's little pieces of Twix. And they are a little more, now you may disagree with me. Please. But they're a little more substantive than a Kit Kat. Yes.

I agree. And thus more satisfying. It is a cookie. The Twix is a great sink your teeth into a candy. You can really sink your teeth. It does. It feels substantial. I mean, when I was a kid, I would buy one as a meal because it was that substantial.

That's like a good high school lunchroom. I've got like 75 cents. That's the thing. I only found 75 cents by the payphone. This is all I can get with it. The Twix is really good. It felt like I honestly remember as a kid getting it for that reason that it kept me full. Yeah.

As opposed to like Nerds or like something like that. God, a Nerds just give you a headache. Yeah. One of the strengths of the Twix is also one of its weaknesses, though, because it is very shareable. Where did you stand on that, Amy? That's true. But there's only two. Yes.

As opposed to like a BBs thing. Right. Where there's like multiple. You break off somebody a little, like a handful of them. Half of a fourth is not so bad. Right. So you just break off somebody like a half of one of the Twix and you keep the rest of it.

Or I just tell them to go fuck themselves. Wow. Shit got real in the lunchroom. No one. Twix. Jif. Yeahroom. No one even asks for Twix anymore. Like, no one likes that, I feel. Everyone's, like, going to drink their coconut kale water or whatever. I mean, you have a podcast about snacks. You know, like, on your Twitter, like, a lot of the pictures are just you and candy and stuff like that.

Are you an active candy eater? Are you, like – I eat it. How big of a part of your life is it? Halloween, it gets a little bigger just because it's more accessible. Yeah. I don't eat it every day. No.

But I don't try to buy it. If it's at a party, I will have it. I won't buy it in the house because if I buy it in the house, it's terrible. It's gone. Yeah. Yeah. It's like it'll be gone really fast. But if it's at a party, I'll have it.

Absolutely. Or if I'm at the movies. Movies are fun. Do you drink at all? I don't drink. You don't drink. So when you're at a party, you post up right by the candy. Yeah.

And that's your evening. Yeah. But adults don't really have candy. It's kind of. They don't. That's gotten away from us. I feel like. Adults have like a cheese platter, which is fine.

But. I love that. I love a charcuterie plate. But I feel like the main thing, you'd have platter, which is fine. But it has its strengths. I love that on the charcuterie plate. But I feel like the main – you'd have a bowl of like a substantial glass bowl of candy. It's very high school to have like a bowl of Doritos and candy. You kind of have to be a grandma to have a bowl of candy. And then it's not the right candy. And then it's not the right.

It's the sucking candy. It's the Werther's. It's those like strawberry ones, which – A whorehound. Isn't that one of the – that's like a name of a candy that an old person would eat, right? A whorehound? A whorehound? I swear to God.

Wait a minute. Okay. What if I made that up? It sounds like a sugar baby situation. Exactly. Please be a thing. Please be a thing. I swear it's real.

I think whorehounds are a kind of candy. Yes. What? Yes. Whorehound? Whorehound. Have you guys ever had – Yeah.

Have you guys ever had the Twix, the ice cream bar? No, I have not. This is delicious. But okay, my problem obviously with like the Snickers ice cream bar. Okay, a candy bar is a dollar or whatever. An ice cream bar is $4. I know, that's a little insane. Says the guy with the TV show.

For like 80 years. Yes, I'm the one blowing a grand in Michaels. That's how you stay rich, though. Yeah, that's the thing. A down payment at Michaels and then just go angry that the fact that an ice cream costs $4. It is expensive. Well, there's splurging and there's principle, and this might just be a principle.

Exactly. It is delicious. It is delicious. A Twix's splurging and there's principle. And this might just be a principle. Exactly. They do. It is delicious. It is delicious. A Twix on its own frozen is really good, I think. Oh, and a lot of things frozen I'm a big fan of. That's a huge part of candy. It's versatility.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good frozen. Like, frozen M&Ms are terrible. Frozen M&Ms, they're not good. They're not good. Here's a good sign of a candy, and I think this speaks well to your Twix pick. It's good frozen. It's good right off the counter, you know what I mean, room temperature.

It's good on the dashboard. It's good on the – if it gets a little melty, you can just sort of squeeze it into your mouth from the package. I've never done that. As though it would go good. I will say it's not the best melted because all the chocolate just sticks to the side of the wrapper. I've had this happen, obviously. Yeah, absolutely. And then you're just left with this, like, kind of caramely cookie, which is fine. Caramely chocolatey cookie.

But it's like, I kind of wanted the whole thing. That's not, alright. So, it's bad for that situation. Like a, like an abizabut would be better for that. You know, all melty. Right, but that's one of the few strengths. Right. In my opinion. But, okay, now, can we just take a moment and just talk about the fucking fiasco debacle

that is Kit Kat melting temperature? Oh my god! You rip the pack and the thing starts melting. Like immediately! You could be in a meat locker, it doesn't fucking matter. The second you touch it, it just starts sliding onto your hand. You have Kit Kat all over.

And it's a breakable candy. You're supposed to break it. Exactly. Give me a break, guys. Give me a break with the Kit Kat bar. You're supposed to manually manipulate it. And then they also made it the most meltable candy imaginable. And then they fuck you over by doing that.

But when it's frozen, it is delicious. It is good. Yeah. I'll give you that. Yeah, I'm not a huge Kit Kat person. It's like it was sent here from another planet where it's very cold. Yeah. Do you guys remember Cold Stones?

The ice cream place? Yeah. The ice cream place? Not only do I celebrate it actively, not only is it an nostalgia thing. A lot of them closed down, so I have to ask people. Did they close down? A lot of them did. I think so, yeah.

This country. Yeah, but those were great for mixing with. I loved Cold Stone. Kit Kats and Cold Stones, excellent. Twix and Cold Stones, excellent. Yeah, so, but those were great for mixing with... I loved Cold Stone. Kit Kats and Cold Stones? Excellent. Twix and Cold Stones? Excellent. Yeah. I had a weird, I had some awkward phases in my ice cream mixing days.

Yeah, you got quiet. I was like, going introspective. Oh no, it's a dark time, man. Stared into the middle distance. I would be like, I'm going to fuck it up. I'm going to get like a vanilla ice cream and I'm going to put chocolate and gumballs in it. What?

Ew. I just tried to get too innovative. And it was never good. I was always wrong. I would get gumball ice cream and put like other things. Just like, I fucked up a lot. I just feel like we have a good rapport. Were you guys at that age where you guys went to the ice cream truck and they had ice cream with the gumballs as eyes?

Oh, yeah. Right? That was actually after my time. Oh, okay. Oh, good. I mean. Good. Kind of good.

They'd have these amazing pictures on the side of the ice cream truck. I know, like a Tweety Bird. It would look amazing. It would look like Tweety Bird was about to start talking to you. And then you would open up the candy and slide it out. And it was this horrifying monstrosity that bore like,

didn't even really look like Tweety Bird. It was a dolly painting of Tweety Bird. All melted. One of the gumballs had sort of like dislodged and it was like further down the face than it should have been.

It turned into an Adam's apple instead of an eye. Yeah, it was terrible. Remember the Terminator it should have been. It turned into an Adam's apple instead of an eye. Yeah, it was terrible. Remember the Terminator movie? Like when the nuke goes off and people are like holding onto the fence melting? Like it looked like

half a second into that. But it was like a between the bread ice cream thing. Yeah, that's a good call-out. Those were a total fiasco. Yes. But yeah, but Twix is pretty damn special. Twix is a pretty damn solid pick.

Although the full-size ones are pretty small. Yeah, no? Yes. They're not... They have heft. They have heft, exactly. I find them satisfying. They hold up. It's a substantial candy, one that can get you through the winter. Yes. The LA winter.

My next pick, not such a substantial candy, but one of my personal favorites. I don't even know if you guys are going to be on board with this. I have no idea what's going to happen. Because I'm about to pick gummy Coke bottles. Oh. Yes. It's an innovative choice.

The first gummy pick of the draft. Oh, that's a toughie. Yeah. Because I never liked the Coke aspect. I love the Coke aspect. Okay. See, that's where we part. Yeah. Because I never liked the Coke aspect. I love the Coke aspect. Okay. See, that's where we parted. You didn't like it.

No. I don't even – as a kid, Diet Coke was sort of my go-to soda, but I loved a Gummy Coke bottle. And they do a couple different kinds. They'll do like one that is a little like the sugar on the outside, kind of soured and feels effervescent when you bite into it. I just love it. I don't know what – I'll do the thing even to this day, kind of soured. It feels effervescent when you bite into it. I just love it. I don't know what – I'll do the thing even to this day, 32 years of age, and we'll bite the little top off of it. Thinking it's going to spill out.

As though there were going to be Coke coming out of it. And then nothing. You're like, oh, still fun. And then you eat it. I love the gummy Coke bottle. I celebrate gummy in every way, but the gummy Coke bottle is my favorite of the gummies. The thing is with gummies, it's kind of like the nougat. I feel like it's too much, not good.

Like if you have – have you ever had like those bins of gummies and you have like eight of them and you're like, I'm done. You don't want more than ten. Yeah. Yeah. Ten sounds intimidating to me. But also the Coke-y flavor tasted very artificial and I'm sure it wasn't full of real

I'm sure it was full of sugar. Made with real Coke which is made out of more fake Coke. Exactly. Exactly. But it tasted it didn't taste like really Coke-y. There's something about that fake Coke flavor. Didn't it bother you though? It's like, oh, I'm eating a Coke in glass. Oh, yeah, like you are eating actual glass?

Yeah. That made me feel powerful. Gross. It can't stop me. Yeah, just sitting here eating glass. I mean, that's your gummy choice? There's so many good gummy choices. Well, you pick one.

Like sharks? Like Swedish fish? All right, all right, all right, all right. Maybe those will go later. And those are both very good. Very good. Why are? Like Swedish fish? Alright, alright, alright, alright. Maybe those will go later. And those are both very good. Very good. Why are all of yours aquatic? I know, right? That's what you should be asking yourself. I'm inspired by a very

underappreciated Bill Murray movie called The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. The Gummy Aquatic? Yeah. I don't know what it is about them. I don't know why I favor it amongst all the other gummies, but I just deal. I've had all of them. You've got bears.

So many things to do. I love the bears too. It's the Coke bottle for me. And they'll do, you know, and not that I drafted this, and I could have. I just want to remind everyone that I could have. They'll have like a pack of three different kinds of gummy sodas. You'll get an orange gummy soda and a Sprite, like a lemon-lime one.

And those are all okay, too. Do they have a La Croix one? They do. A La Croix bottle? A Pampamousse La Croix? Only available in Los Angeles. Yes, when did this become the go-to writer drink? I don't know, because I didn't.

I think Joe... Do you guys know Joe Mandy on Twitter? Yeah. Yeah. He – I think it was him. It was just this one guy. I really think it was Joe. Really? I think it was actually Jake Wiseman.

I think he once tweeted something about it. Wiseman did? Maybe. Who do we blame? Joe has been on it for years. Like he – I remember – I think it probably just showed up in the writer's room wherever he was working at the time. Like maybe Parks and Rec or whatever the show was. And then his whole Twitter personality became like the LaCroix boys.

And like he would always tweet at LaCroix and try to get sponsored because he's like, we're drinking so much LaCroix. We should get some free LaCroix, right? Because I don't even remember even hearing of it. I don't know. No. Ever, right? No, never. It's supposedly been around since like the 70s, and I never remember hearing about it.

And guys, it's based out of Ohio. It is indeed. It's not even French. It's a Midwestern sparkling. Yeah, my friend who's from Wisconsin is like, no, I know how to pronounce it. Because it's like a Midwestern thing. It's like the Fage whatever yogurt. Oh, yeah. Fage. Fage. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, Fage. Fage. ounce that you like because it's like a midwestern thing it's like the fage whatever yogurt oh oh

yeah yeah whatever yeah um or like fago even fago oh the drink here are you familiar with yes it's the cheapest soda available it's it's like the rc yes uh and it's yeah it's like the RC cola yes South RC yeah it's famously bad and cheap and if there's any corner they can cut in the manufacturer of Faygo they will cut it

oh yeah no corners completely Faygo bottles Faygo gummy bottles that could be I would not that no see that's at the

oh see that's right that's where you cross the line Faygo is the official drink of the insane clown posse

by the way. Oh, that's not a good posse to back it up. They spray it on each other. Top five posses. Go. No, just joking. Posse draft. Posse draft.

That is a bad posse. Yeah. And a bad soda. Good soda is Coke, specifically the gummy bottle variety of it. I beg to disagree. I will agree. I mean disagree. Sorry.

I'm probably going to have a couple other bad picks. And there's just days on that one. I've got some weird candy tastes. And I don't know whether to go mainstream now because I also have, that was my second pick. I also have the first pick. Oh, because we're serpentine. Of the third round, we're serpentine.

I don't know if I want to let my heart sing right now. If you want to let us in in that way. If you want to be vulnerable. Right. I think you should. I think we've earned your trust. It's a safe space. It's a safe space.

We agreed with you on most of this shit. You did. It's only when you got off into that crazy fucking Coke gummy crap that we really started to reject you and actually make fun of you to your face. And I'm living in the wake of that trauma right now. But I think I'm going to let you guys in. Okay. I feel like the red one was only out of care for me. Okay.

And with the first pick of the third round, my third pick, I'm taking one of the more controversial candies. Oh, I know what it is. The candy corn. Oh, no. Oh! Yes. Oh! I love candy corn.

Okay. Some people fucking hate candy corn. I'm there. You're one of those people. I am one of those people. Some people walk around like candy corn killed their whole family in front of you. It's like a ridiculous... And I love it.

Eden, where do you fall on candy corn? I will have like a handful, but that's it. That's it? It's not like... I could eat Twix all fucking night, but candy corn, I know how to cut myself off. I love candy corn. I can't stop myself from eating it.

Really? Much like the gummy Coke bottle, it's a thing where it's a tricolor candy. Oh, okay. I'll eat the tiny little white part off the top. Okay. Now I'm understanding your logic. It's a little more fun, right? Okay, you're right. It is a little more fun.

And then I'll bite off the little orange part, and then I'll finish off the tiny little brown part. You monster. How long does it take you to eat, like, cereal? Do you just, like, eat the top Cheerio knob? What I do is I have a small ramekin of milk, and I take one Cheerio at a time. It is so fucking tiny.

Just fucking eat it. All of it, you weirdo. I can't. I don't know why I do it. I do it with other candies, too. It's only with candy, by the way. I'm not doing this weird shit with, like, any. I'm not, like, pulling apart string cheese completely and laying it out.

I was going to say string cheese. However, what a monster is the person that takes string cheese and just bites into all of it. Right? I've done that. Oh, you monster. I'm sorry, and I'm not meaning to just be contrarian here. I've done that, and I apologize. I've been right. You and your candy corn.

Now, do you ever use the candy corn for a comedic effect, like to take up the space where you've lost a tooth? Oh, that's a great question. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Okay. Where you've lost a tooth

to a sugar daddy. Yeah, to a sugar daddy. There's a few fun moves with a candy corn tooth. You can do the two front teeth, which is a fun one, but then you could also put them on the fangs.

Yes, the vampire candy corn fangs. We never talk about them, but everyone here in this room has fangs. We do have these teeth that are here. The canines, is what they're called.

Yeah, your canine teeth. The Buffy, the vampire teeth. The Buffys. And I'll slide the candy corn right on there and then maybe make a face at a child. You already have the face of a child. And the maturity level of a child. And you obviously still eat like a child. And the candy taste of a child.

Yeah. I don't know what it is. I love it. I love a candy corn and like an autumn trail mix. That's okay. Yeah. Oh. It is a pretty candy.

It's a beautiful candy. It's very aesthetically pleasing. Oh, I do remember that when I was younger, I went to Cotillion. Yeah. Because again, I went to a rich school and I wanted to fit in. Can you explain to both me and the listeners what a Cotillion is? I don't know what Cotillion is. No.

But I'm sorry. What parent who says, you know, we're struggling financially. Better send my daughter to cotillion. Oh, because I begged them because I was like, I am not going to do sports. I want to learn how to swing dance. What is that? A cotillion sounds like a candy we might pick later. Oh.

What is it? Yeah. It's like a ballroom dance. They teach you. They teach you manners. And they had it once a month at the Chevy Chase Country Club. Right. Named after the street?

Named after the person. What? Really? I know, right? Crazy. It's in Beverly Hills. I wonder if it's still there. During like when we weren't using it, it was like a ladies club type thing.

Yeah. But when we only used it like it was every, the first Friday of every month and you had to wear gloves. Yeah. Which was, that's what I was crazy about and I remember

I dragged my mom to Saks because that's the only place that sold gloves. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't know where to buy gloves. And my mom was like, do they not sell this

at Target or Target? And I was like, no, mom, they don't sell gloves at Target. And so, for, we have to do, like, for Halloween, we had to, like, no, mom, they don't sell gloves at Target. And so we have to do like – for Halloween, we had to like make like a thing for our partner. OK.

Like a gift basket or something. Yes. And I got really crafty with Michael's or Michael likes stuff. It wasn't there at the time. And I glue gunned – it's a great glue gun candy. It's a glue gun candy. That's how you know it's bad. It's glue gunning. You're willing to use it as fodder for your glue gun candy. I glue gun. It's a glue gun candy. That's how you know it's bad. It's a glue gun.

You're willing to use it as fodder for your glue gun. And I glue gunned all these candy corns on like this basket. Yeah. And in the basket, I had candy,

like good candy. Oh my God. And that shitty candy glue gunned on the side. And I thought it was so creative and it was a fun little project, but it just made me realize, wow, that candy is shitty

what a disrespectful story like as a nine-year-old i'm like yeah that could i could glue i could glue on that on a basket and then put like you know whoppers in yes candy is incredibly valuable currency to nine-year-olds exactly that it was used as mere decoration says a lot about the candy. Speaks to your lack of sophistication at a young age. Yeah. We candy flavors. Exactly. Yeah. However, I did win all these Catalan competitions and dancing.

What? It was really good. So you were like, it's a competition. So you were like. At the end of the year, there was a competition. Would you? And you go be polite? And they're like, oh, very 10 out of 10 polite.

They would go around. They would have like a dance, like a Foxtrot or a Waltz or something. Or a Charleston. Or a Charleston. They didn't do Charleston. Oh, because if you guys ended this podcast doing the Charleston together. They did do tango. So that's not.

I can't help you. I already said I couldn't because of Raul Julia. And they'd go around. And this is so elitist. They would tap you on the shoulder. Yeah. And then if they tapped you, you stayed. And at the end of the dance, they're like, all right, if you've been tapped, stay where – it's a very coarse line.

Yes. Yes. God, I hope I get it. Yeah. How many people does he need? Yeah. And then tits and ass and all that stuff. Yeah.

They come into play. And it's like a nine-year-old. I had none. I still have none. Yeah. And so, yeah. So that was just my candy corn bit. That's a great candy corn bit. That's better than mine, which is I still have none. And so, yeah, that was just my candy corn bit. That's a great candy corn bit.

That's better than mine, which is I enjoy eating it. That's my fun story about it. In a weird, creepy way. I'm just going to take the tip off. It's fun to do that. You give it a little candy corn bris. That's all it is. Think of which.

They let your Jewish ass into cotillions for some reason. I know. I think they wouldn't let us in there. My dad did not like that. He didn't like it? He was like, they smell like, they smell Nazi-ish. Your dad thought he could smell Nazis. He thought it was, yeah, he said that, I think, because, not that he was at all, like, religious.

Yeah. He ate ham and all that stuff. But he's like, why is it every Friday night? Why that night of all other nights? He knows why. Yeah, because it was available. All right,

well, I stand by my candy corn pick. I knew it would be controversial and I stand by it and I think I'll be borne out

by the list and it's who will join me in my candy corn army. Okay. Okay. Which is fun three colorcolor outfits.

The helmet's white, and then the shirt is orange, and then we have brown shoes. I love that. Eden, it is your chance to pick something that you would put in your basket rather than decorate it with. Right. It's time for your third pick.

Where are you going to take us? I'm going to go with $100,000. The $100,000. Oh. The $100,000 bar. Adding some little crispy rice to this whole thing that we – and no crispy – we haven't had no crispy rice candy. There's been no crispy rice candy. That's why –

Discussion. There should have been. There should have been. It's an idea whose time has come. We did have a Fruity Pebbles riff about Post, which are not even crispy. Are they rice? I don't know. I believe they are. No. Are they rice? I don't know. I believe they are. No, you know what? I don't know.

What is a Fruity Pebble? You've got the laptop in front of you. Fuck Post. Is Post sponsoring this? Because they shouldn't. I'm going to get so many weird targeted Fruity Pebbles advertisements soon. They are a... But I wonder, though, is the $100, grand, is that covered in Rice Krispies?

They are Rice – crisp Rice cereal bits. Yeah, okay. There it is. You're right. So I guess we did get to it. Yes, it is – it's caramel with rice – with crisp rice in it and then chocolate around it. Why am I the chocolate bar scientist who knows everything? Please, please talk about it. Please am I the Chuck LaFarre scientist who knows everything?

Please tell us more. You have a lot of details about every candy bar. I told you he would know this stuff. Yeah. Oh, John knows. That's true, yeah. I was like, Eden, I know you love candy. You want to come do this? He dissected all of them. You're perfect for it.

Okay, so why did you, what is it about the $100,000 bar, the 100 grand bar, please? It's got the crispy, I love crispies in chocolate. Yeah. It's great.

And so it has that of a crunch bar, but with that element, the textural element of the caramel. Yes. And you feel rich having it. Right,

because it's worth $100,000. And there was two of them. It was cut into half, but for no reason. Right, there's two little twigs things. And there was two of them. It was cut into half, but for no reason. Right. There's two little twigs things. And it was kind of an arbitrary thing.

But yet it was satisfying because you finish the first and then you go, oh, I got another one. I know. It made you feel better. Exactly. Yeah. And it made you feel thinner, too, when you're an adult. It was like, oh, I'm just going to have one. Just have one of the two.

I'll have 50 grand. Yes. I'm going to be generous and give the other 50 some homeless guy. And that never happens. It says here on their Wikipedia that it only contains 190 calories. What? What? Yeah.

190 calories. That's my go-to. I'd pay 100 grand for that. Yeah, right? That is remarkable. Created in 1966 and named after a series of successful game shows, Citation Needed. So we'll see about that. So is there like a Wheel of Fortune candy bar?

A Wheel of Cheese. It does not say Wheel of Fortune. Well, there was $100,000 Pyramid at the time. Oh, maybe that's what it is. Oh, that was it. And it was $100,000 bar when I was young. And now it's the $100,000. They made a change.

They made like an official change. Yeah. Can we ponder that or just forget about it? I think maybe we should just move on. We could move – well, let's say – I prefer $100,000 bar. Yes. Me too. It just rolls off my tongue a little better.

$100,000. What are they trying to save time? What are we cool? $100K. $100K? Yeah. What is it eventually going to turn into? It's like Twitter followers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be eventually just the I make a nice living bar. That's what people will call it. Don't worry how much it costs. I'll be fine. We do okay. They just call it the 1%. The 1% bar.

Yeah, yeah. The Bernie Sanders bar. The Bernie Sanders bar. That's my Bernie Sanders impression, everybody. The 1%. As current as the day it was minted. Earlier today. Earlier today.

Yeah, the Honda Grand Bar, fantastic. You're all chocolate so far, though, Eden. I'm a girl. You're all chocolate. That's what keeps me alive. Is that a fun girl thing? That's what keeps me patient. Yeah.

Actually, your blood is mostly chocolate. It's chocolate. Your ecosystem inside looks like where it works. Yeah, that book, Like Water for Chocolate. Yeah. It's like blood for chocolate. Like blood for chocolate. Like chocolate for chocolate.

The 100-gram bar, excellent pick. Thank you. Excellent pick. Anything else to say? Any other? It speaks for itself. It does speak for itself. It does kind of lead.

John, it is- I got a Blockbuster pick for my next one. I'm so excited. Okay. Let's drive to the Blockbuster. Let's do this. Let's do this thing. Candy buttons.

Okay, you know the ones on the paper? Yes. The paper, and you get like a roll of them. Come on. That is a fun candy. And they're different colors, but they all taste the same. It's like a metaphor for racism. Yeah.

I love how I said it with a question. People are going to hate me for this. I was always so intrigued by candy buttons. However, they're like 20%. If you're eating one, it's like 80% candy and then 20% paper. Yes, exactly. You're ingesting paper what and and the problem you have with that is i don't know if that's good for the colon i don't know for the

girl you're not eating the paper right you are eating the paper well because yeah you pull them off and there's always a bunch of it always there's like a little residual paper yes yes but that had for paper when i was a kid i had salmonella yeah so i remember So I remember when I had candy buttons, I was like, mom, get the paper off. I don't want to get some weird disease. You had salmonella? Yeah, when I was four. Oh, no. Did you get it from Jack in the Box?

I don't know what it was. I think it was from chicken. Oh. I thought it might be cookie dough because I used to eat a lot of cookie dough, but they kind of traced it and they think it was chicken. Did you have to go to the hospital? I did. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. It made me, but now I'm like, don't give me cookie dough, but they kind of traced it, and they think it was chicken. Did you have to go to the hospital? I did. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. It made me – but now I'm like, don't give me cookie dough. Cook it. You can feel me. Cook it all the way. Wow. It's a terrible thing to steal from a child to do a cookie dough. But it made me really paranoid about food contamination.

Yeah, absolutely. Funny thing is as an adult, I couldn't care less all of a sudden. Yeah, right, right. But as a kid, I'm like, no, I don't want the paper on my candy button. Now you're just stealing crow eggs out of the nest and eating them in the wild. Yeah, basically. I'm foraging my food. Oh, we have dinner plans?

Let me go find it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got you. Candy buttons are another fun – It's portable. Yes, it's portable. It keeps itself together. Yeah. It's clean. It doesn't stale very fast. It's portable. Yes, it's portable. It keeps itself together. Yeah.

It's clean. It doesn't stale very fast. No, it doesn't go stale. It's like a sugary fruit flavor, right? Yes. Yeah. More sugary. More sugary than fruit, yeah.

I guess – I don't know. Like frosting almost. It is frosting. That's what it is. You know, I guess. As an adult, do you know what seems acid? It just reminds me of when you get acid. Oh, yes.

Right. It would seem like a – well, yeah. That may have been part of its allure. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For me as a child. It kind of looks like a CVS receipt. No?

It does. If you get the longer one. Like a surprise. No? A Braille CBS receipt. The blind can read it. I like that it took a little while to ingest. You had to work your way down it.

And it wasn't very much. It actually isn't very much candy. Yeah. But because it was about process. It was about you wending your way along this path of candy, and I found that very satisfying. It's the peel-and-eat shrimp of candy. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Now, I have to confess, I've never walked into a candy store and made a beeline for the candy buttons.

Well, that's your big mistake. I might need to rectify that. You might. You've been jizzing over the Coke bottles, so. I'm making my way right for the gummies. Over and into because they're a bottle, so you can. I think candy buttons need their own holiday. I think that's what it is.

Oh, you're right. You're right. Maybe – I think on Veterans Day. Yeah. Like Halloween, they don't really put candy buttons in your bag. Well, on Friday. It's like a loose piece of paper.

Yeah. Because what's the, there's not like a, what is it, in plastic? I guess it is in plastic with a sheet in there. You know what's perfect? For tax day. Oh, for tax day. Because it looks like a receipt. This is a huge idea.

If you're at the Necco Corporation. Listen, if you're an accountant. There's a meeting where they're spitballing going, I don't know what we can do. How do we do this, people? No bad ideas, people. Okay okay hear me out tax day get your things and go i love that idea i think it's perfect for tax day it does look like a receipt you can get on a big roll we all wear green visors and we eat our candy buttons do they do that today i don't know makes it festive you never see someone with a green visor anymore we eat our candy buttons. Did they do that today? I don't know. It makes it festive. You never see someone with a green visor anymore.

Yes. What would that – what possible purpose could that have served? I don't know. I guess they knew math that way. I don't know. I should try it. Well, but I mean it would cast a green – It would cast a green –

Glow on the – but why – huh? To remind you that you're dealing with money here. Like is that – Well, maybe there was – but I'm just thinking maybe there was a real utilitarian use for it. Is it like you're standing at papers all day? Is it like horse blinders? It's like don't look at what's going on around you. Focus on your job.

This job sucks. There's financial chicanery going on just out of your field of vision. Don't look at it. There's people offering you bribes. But it still shows your bald spot. Yes. Exactly. Okay, so they were... That's every accountant.

Would we like the answer? We might as well have the answer. Oh, great. Okay. They were worn by telegraphers, copy editors, and other engaged in vision-intensive, detail-oriented occupations to lessen eye strain due to early incandescent lights, which tended to be harsh. Eye strain? Which is why sometimes you'd see a banker's lamp, which would also have that green shade.

Yeah. So it just would have chilled everything out. Okay, so there was a utilitarian use for it. Couldn't they just dress up like Ducky and wear sunglasses? That's the easy choice. And solve every problem. Just get the circular sunglasses and the pork pie hat.

You're good to fucking go. Bolo tie is an option. Total idea. You could start a bonus. Oh, that's right. What do you want the bolo tie? Yeah, I got an accountant. He's great, but he dresses like ducky for some reason.

He's fantastic. It doesn't work. It's weird. I don't know. He got me 35 grand back this year. He's crazy good. Good guy, though. Yeah, good guy.

Good guy. Okay, so the serpentine, which way does the serpentine go now? I go again. Holy fuck. Yeah. Then I'm going to go a Tootsie Pop. Tootsie Pop. Absolutely.

I never made it without biting. Because that was my favorite Halloween go-to because you always knew – because you got – you actually got a legit Tootsie Pop in your bag yeah and it was super easy to just find it

pop it and you were on your way you could immediately you immediately knew immediately just dig it in the bag not take it we're not waiting to go home

none of that shit maybe not your favorite candy but you knew it was a good one well but also the orange yes but the orange I didn't love the grape but the orange flavor no one likes the grape I was a grape guy really. But the orange, I didn't love the grape, but the orange flavor.

No one likes the grape. I was a grape guy. Really? Yeah. Interesting. I liked the, I didn't mind the grape. That tang. But see, when the grape segued into the caramel slash chocolate. It was an awkward transition.

It was an awkward transition. It was a weird handing off of power. I like the red one. The red one, cherry. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Also good, but you were an orange man.

I was an orange man. Yeah. Because what's the orange chocolate candy I was an orange man. Yeah. Because what's the orange chocolate candy? Oh, the chocolate oranges. Oh. Oh, come on. It starts with an N. Grand Marnier.

Thank you. C. Yep. C. I don't drink liquor. I just know it. You know about it. Yes.

I dip my crepes in it. It's really good with crepes. Oh, that is delicious. They serve it in France. Yeah. You just got this little. Oh, that is delicious. They serve it in France, yeah. You just got this little smile like, I'm fancy. I'm fancy schmancy like that. I don't drink my liquor.

I eat it. I went to Cotillion. Yeah, you did. At Cotillion, they taught us about all of the Marniers, not just the grand ones. So for you, not so fancy. Your grand Marnier was an orange Tootsie Pop in your bag. Yes. And again, how many licks?

There was always that bit of conjecture. Iconic commercial. Exactly. I love those commercials. They still play that commercial. Yes. If it ain't broke, you know, I never made it without biting. You know, we all think of owls as these white, oh no, that was the turtle that did that,

right? Uh-huh. Yeah. Oh gosh, yes. One, two, three. One, two, three. Yeah. And he acted like that was the right answer. that, right? Uh-huh. Oh, gosh, yes. One, two, three. One, two, three. And he acted like that was the right answer. You rolled the tongue so nicely.

One, two, three. This poor kid, he's handing out candy to all these animals who are just eating it. Eating it. An owl in his fucking can. You got an owl that's a wise ass. He's like, oh, yeah, you know, I'll show you how many licks. Three, motherfucker. It's like, oh, I'll show you how many licks. Three, motherfucker.

It's like, oh, you want to know how to pick up that girl? Let me go talk to her. Let me watch that at the bar with her. The Tootsie Pop

is good. Have you ever in your life and be honest, actually sucked it all the way down to the Tootsie or have you always

bitten it? I have. I've sucked it down. You've gotten down to the Tootsie? I'm always bitten it? I have. I've sucked it down. You've gotten down to the tootsie? I'm not a fan of the biting. I have gotten down to where there was a thin film of the very thin film and then bitten that. Yeah. But I've never successfully completely

gotten rid of the... You're a better person than I see. I'm a patient woman. Yeah. You're a stronger woman than we. Not a jawbreaker patient. Not a jawbreaker... Well, no. You're not an insane person. But tootsie pop patient woman than we. Not jawbreaker patient. Not jawbreaker. Well, no. You're not an insane person. But Tootsie Pop patient?

The Tootsie Pop is delicious. That's an excellent pick. I want to hate these picks, but the problem is we're drafting candy. Did you just win over your wife with the bouquet? Have you seen the bouquet? Oh, yeah. They do have Tootsie Pop bouquets. What?

What is this madness? They're fun. Yeah. They have longer stems, right? Oh. Yeah. So there's going to be a bunch of them. And you have all the flavors. Yeah. Including the grape ones.

Yeah. Also for Halloween, can I say, you put a little tissue on there, on a Tootsie Pop, and a little like a, you put a bread tie or whatever. A bread tie? It looks like a little. You don't like a bread tie? You tie a little bread with it? What, have you been looking at Pinterest?

What's wrong with that? I'm from Portland, all right? The whole town's a Pinterest. I know. Got it. The whole town's a bread tie. It looks like a little... You don't like a bread tie? You tie a little bread with it? What, have you been looking at Pinterest? What's wrong with that? I'm from Portland, all right? The whole town's a Pinterest. I know. Got it. The whole town's a mason jar. You put something over it. You put a piece of tissue

with like toilet paper and like you drape it over it and then with a little marker you put a little eyes on it. You put a little eyes. And then it looks like a little ghost. You have a little ghost on the stick. And you've got a handle on your...

Oh, that is totally a Pinterest thing. It's a little Pinterest-y thing. We've been doing it pre-Pinterest, but it's like a fun little Halloween ghost thing. If you go to Michael's and look on some googly eyes, you're taking it to the next level. I'm just trying, yeah. It's no Michael's book. Do that to a candy corn, but if it's a food you're actually going to eat. Yeah, so Tootsie Pop, very versatile Halloween candy.

Excellent pick. Eden, it is your turn to make an excellent pick. It is your fourth pick coming off the heels of your shocking 100 grand bar pick. Okay. I'm going to go with a peanut M&M. The peanut M&M. Not the normal M&M, the peanut M&M. The big yellow guy.

I don't like normal peanut M&Ms. You don't like a normal M&M? It's boring. It's not good chocolate don't like normal peanut M&Ms. You don't like a normal M&M? It's boring. It's not good chocolate. Yeah. It's kind of unnecessary. But the peanut M&M is special. Uh-huh.

It's like a, it's heartier than like a normal peanut butter because it's a real peanut, which is the only endearing quality. Yeah. You seem to have mixed feelings about this. I love it. You're still. No, I love it. And it's so good with popcorn, too. You, this is, this is a feelings about this. I love it. You're still – No, I love it. And it's so good with popcorn too.

This is – a lot of your candy hinges on its ability to blend in with popcorn. It's similar to a goober, which I love goobers. Yeah. But it's got that candy shell that makes it extra fun. And it comes in fun colors. So it's the candy shell. You like a chocolate covered peanut, but the candy shell texture does a little extra for you. It's a little extra.

Are you worried that in the commercials he's portrayed as a doofus and a simpleton? He's the Lenny. He's J.K. Simmons, though, in the commercial. Wait, is it J.K.? Yes. Wait, J.K. Simmons is the... Yes, of course. Is he really?

Wait, the little one's a smartass. The little one's a smartass, the red one. Yeah. And then the big yellow one is Lenny from Of Mice and Men, right? No, it's J.K. Simmons. J.K. Simmons voices the other one? Yeah. You have a computer, mister.

It seems like an odd choice. He talks like an oaf. Yeah, he does. J.K. Simmons is the voice of the... He's also the Oscar-winning actor of Whiplash. J. Jonah Jameson. Yeah. If this is fake, it's going to be such a...

Holy shit, you're right. I was right. Oh, my God. I'm sorry I ever doubted you. I know my talking candy. How the fuck is J jk simmons the voice of the yellow m&m i guess it started when he was when he didn't have too much going on or this could have been a lucrative gig they could have been saying well okay guys what are we going to do to get jk simmons to be the voiceM. Do you know who it was doing the yellow M&M before J.K. Simmons?

Who? John Goodman. Oh, weird. This is what I'm saying. They're going – they had some – Oh, no. They're going to call you next. I know.

This is prestige. You're the next yellow M&M. Suddenly the yellow guy is just going to be kind of anxious and – Hey, guys. I think we should skedaddle, right? Yes, exactly. Oh, I hope not. I hope not.

Oh, my God. That would be a great thing. Okay. You got me. I'll do it. Where's the contract? Dude, your daughter is going to be so famous in school. Being like, guys, my dad is an M&M.

That's what my dad does for a living. He is a candy. There's been some interesting M&M voices. The red one has been Billy West, the famous voice actor. Yes, from Ren and Stimpy. Yeah, Ren and Stimpy, Futurama, Liz Bender, of course. John Lovitz has played the red Eminem. Well.

What a great cast of characters. Vanessa Williams is the brown Eminem. Which it's like... You know what I'm saying. They have to really... It makes sense, but they made the brown Eminem. They had to use the black lady for the brown M&M. They're candies, but whatever.

What are they going to do, use Margaret Cho? I'm just glad she's getting work. Yes. Hey, you know, Vanessa Williams is the bomb. Yes. She's great. She is rad. Yeah.

And beautiful. Yeah, beautiful and takes no shit. Is this all? I didn't know. Yeah. Yeah, beautiful and takes no shit. Is this all? I didn't know. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I was hanging out with Rick Fox, who was her boyfriend for a while. And a former L.A. Laker.

Anyway, so, but no, we have mutual friends. Absolutely. You live in L.A. I was going to judge your boyfriend with Rick Fox. But she's a remarkable lady. Just tough as fucking nails. And gorgeous. More ladies like her.

Yeah. And gorgeous. I got nothing but love for Vanessa Williams. Fuck it. Just tough as fucking nails. More ladies like her. And gorgeous. I got nothing but love for Vanessa Williams. Fuck it. Shout out to Vanessa Williams. I'm only eating brown M&M's from now on. Yeah, absolutely. That's a statement.

To honor Vanessa. You and Led Zeppelin, right? Yeah. Honestly, I do prefer, though, the brown ones. Really? Yeah. There's no taste difference. You know there's no difference.

I know. When you go brown, you never – wait a minute. That didn't make any sense. I think I've seen The Wedding Planner or The Wedding – yeah, The Wedding Planner. Jennifer Lopez. No, I have not seen it. No, I have not seen it. Yeah.

She has this thing where – or no, Matthew McConaughey has this thing where he only eats the brown ones because he figures it has less artificial coloring because chocolate is already brown. So he feels better about it. And you've adopted this as a personal influence. So I was like, yeah, that's right. I'm going to listen to the rom-com. They know what they're talking about. Specifically McConaughey and said rom-com. Because Pretty in Pink didn't lie either. Yes. We filled your

heads full of foolish dreams. Yes. Totally. Love is real. But yeah, peanut M&M's. Peanut butter M&M's. Not peanut butter. Peanut. I'm sorry because there are peanut butter M&M's. Peanut butter M&M's. Not peanut butter. Peanut. I'm sorry, because there are peanut butter M&M's. I know.

Those are not so great. Wait, there are? There are peanut butter M&M's. There are. And they come in an orange pack. Yeah. And there's pretzel M&M's, which are also really good. They're fine.

I miss the crispy ones, to be honest. Yes, crispy M&M's were also good. But you took peanut M&M's, and now it is time for my fourth pick. Coming off the heels of my universally acclaimed candy corn pick, which everybody was on board with and celebrated. I think... Okay, I'm going to go

with another possibly controversial one. I'm going to take the Twizzler. I knew it. I knew it would be like a licorice-y thing. Taking the Twizzler. Wait, which Twizzler? Taking the classic cherry red Twizzler. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Some people are red vine people. I'm on board with that. And they're stupid. They're fucking wrong. They're fucking wrong. Those things taste like rubber. Yes.

I don't like them. I don't like their texture. The Twizzler texture is superior. The flavor is superior. Absolutely. Everything about a Twizzler I prefer to a red vine. And I like a Twizzler. I like a texture. The Twizzler texture is superior. The flavor is superior. Absolutely. Everything about a Twizzler, I prefer to a Red Vine. And I like a Twizzler. I like a licorice.

I don't. That's the thing. I don't like licorice. You don't like any of them. So you don't even like, you're not a Red Vine person. No. I thought that was, it was a very, that's really an accountant thing. Oh, there's like a, hey, John, there's a pack of Red Vines from Costco.

Yeah. Red Vine is like the candy that Office Max probably sells the most of. Also, very popular in writers' rooms, I've noticed. Yes. Inexplicably. Yeah, they are. And supposedly the Dr. Pepper combination with the red vines is delicious and wrong, by the way.

Wrong. Everybody who says this is wrong. But you can use the Twizzler and suck, you bite off each end and use it as a straw, which is innovative. It is middle school dance. But no. But the cherry – the Twizzlers that I guess are not – they're not technically cherry, but they're sure delicious. Yeah.

But the red vines also taste – they taste like cough syrup. They do taste cough. And they almost have a powdery feeling to them. Yes. It's like Robitussin. No. Thank syrup. And they almost have a powdery feeling to them. Yes. No. It's like Robitussin. Yeah. No.

Thank you. Knock it off with the red vines. No, no, no, no, no. How do you guys feel about licorice? So that's, I'm not taking a black licorice, but where do you guys fall on black licorice? I like it. I do too. I like it.

I'm not nuts about it, and I can't take a whole lot of it. It's a strong flavor. It's a strong flavor. Eating it out on that, it feels like a specialty. No. Have you noticed I'm not a big, like the gummier it gets, the more I'm like, eh. You're more on the chocolate side of life. Yeah, I do like some gummies.

Like I love sharks. I love me my sour rings and sour whatevers. Yeah. And those belts. We heard your shark anti-coke bottle propaganda earlier on the podcast. Right. That's etched in his memory. I like the bears.

Love the bears. The bears are good too. You bite the head off and then one of the podcast. Right. That's etched in his memory. I like the bears. Love the bears. The bears are good too. You bite the head off and then one of the arms. I like the clear ones, you know? Oh, the kind of... The pineapple-y?

Yeah, that is a good one. But no, I don't like... Oh no, I don't like pineapple flavor actually. No. So you can have all those if we're ever splitting You can have all the red vines

I find in every single writer's room ever. No, I don't want the red vines. I want the Twizzlers. Right. No, exactly. I had, real quick, just one last thing about licorice, and then we'll move on. I went to a World Market once.

You know, they sell like candy from all over the world there. And I got like this German kind of black licorice. And I grabbed the bag. I was like, I'll check this out. They're like these little black licorice bites. And I opened them up, and they were the bag. I was like, I'll check this out. They're like these little black licorice bites and I opened them up and they were so gross. So insanely gross. It was.

They were coming back for one more joke. They were like salted licorices and then they almost had this like That actually sounds kind of good. ammonia-y flavor to them. Oh, that's funny. And so I would bite one and blanch and just like make like a bitter beer face.

It was the grossest thing. And then 30 seconds would go by and I would have to eat another one. Another one. I would have to just do it. Until they were like almost – and I thought it was maybe just me and having like an oral fixation or whatever it was. And then I would have like friends in the car. I'd be like, do me a favor.

And it's going to be gross. Try this. Try this black licorice. And they would try it. And they'd be like, oh, fuck you. It's gross. It's terrible. And then 30 seconds would go by.

And without fail, they'd be like digging their hands back in there. There's something weird about this. They're like these insanely addictive black licorice bites. This is the cutting of like... Yeah, it kind of was. Actual heroin. They probably were. They were probably like a German opiate that they're not even supposed to sell at the world market.

But I just couldn't stop eating them. This is gross, Ian. It is. It is gross, but I couldn't not do it. So, given my druthers, and I'm a man who loves to have his druthers. I would go with a Twizzler. But there isn't that one black licorice out there.

Do you remember the name of it? No. So we know what you're talking about. I'll add you on Twitter. It's an actual German licorice. Yes. Okay. I have, because of that same bag that I bought, it wasn't even that big.

I haven't finished it all the way. Okay. So I've managed to break the cycle I'll take a picture I'll send it to you in case you want to get yourself involved it's a special

Nazi liquor it's Das Judenkiller or something like that Das Judenkiller Das Judenpanzer it's weird it's this weird chain letter

that you write to your own mouth with candy because you're like what's going to happen if I stop eating it it's a death wish alright so that was my fourth pick Insensitive Serpentine it is also time I was like, what's going to happen if I stop eating? It's a death wish. All right.

So that was my fourth pick, Insensitive Serpentine. It is also time, sadly, for my final pick of the candy draft. And I'm going to go out of left field with this one. You've had some freaky fucking ones already. There's been some freaky ones. And this last one I'm going to pick, I think is going to justify the rest of my list, by the way. Because what I'm going to pick is a candy that I think is everywhere. And it's called the Chiba Chew.

It is a marijuana candy. I don't know what the fuck that is. It is a marijuana medicated candy. Is that fair? Available. Is it fair? You tell me. Hand it out at Halloween and we'll see. Yeah candy. Is that fair? Oh, okay. Available. Is it fair? You tell me. Hand it out at Halloween and we'll see.

Yeah, we will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Glendale police knock on my door. It's available in indica and sativa. It's delicious. It's easy to fly with. Oh, really? It's quite straight, man.

I don't even know what the hell indica is. Indica is more of a body high. Okay. I'm not some big weed guy, by the way. I just learned this ind hell indica is. Indica is more of a body high. I'm not some big weed guy, by the way. I just learned this indica in the couch. So it's more of a body lock. You don't want to get up. And then sativa is more up in your head.

That's what I heard. Like, you don't try to ride on sativa. It'll come out all weird. But you can ride on an indica. Not stevia, right? For me. Huh? Stevia.

Stevia. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's easy to travel with because it just looks like a little piece of candy. You can just put it in like another candy wrapper. Give it to a baby? Sure. Yeah, what could go wrong?

You can feed it to a police dog and then run the other direction. That's so dangerous with kids in the house. Huh? That's so dangerous with kids in the house. It would be more dangerous with kids in the house. You'd have to keep it in a small box. But it says Chibichu right there on the side of it. What kid doesn't know the difference?

Which sounds adorable. It does sound like a Japanese candy. Sounds great to me. But they're good, too. It's not like an overwhelming weed flavor. Perfect for kids if you want them to mellow out. Listen, I clearly am not the man in here thinking about children. I can barely even convince

a woman, you know what I mean, to marry me. Barely. I'm just thinking about this in terms of what you're giving to kids on Halloween. That's why. So don't give that. This one's for daddy on Halloween. My Halloween costume is a guy who just ate a Chibichu. That's what I'm going with. And now that you think about the fact that I'm eating a Chibichu. That's what I'm going with.

And now that you think about the fact that I'm eating a Chibichu, the Twizzler makes sense. The candy corn makes sense. The guy ties them all beautifully together. This is the end of that sitcom where like now I get the point of why they didn't cancel the show. That's how I met your mother. Yes. So that's me. i and by the way i've sampled maybe i do smoke too much weed i've sampled several different weed candies and a lot of them just taste way too much there's like weed peach rings that i've had and they taste too much

like weed every and it's just like a shitty version of whatever that candy was supposed to be but this one it's it, it's actually pretty good. Real quick tangent, then we'll move on from my pick. When I was coming up in Portland, I would perform at these shows at a medical marijuana place and you would do shows there and they would give you weed

food. I had weed angel food cake and weed soup. They would feed me that. They were like, here, eat the and it was always gross so mad respect and it was always a terrible place to perform because the people would hang out at like a medical marijuana they usually had terminal illnesses or like actually needed it like in oregon so it was nice that you were doing like comedy for them but you were like looking out of it and it's like all these like very like kind of sad people and you're like oh man like

this is you know and uh and they were also that wasn't even the big barrier that was fine the big And it's like all these very kind of sad people. And you're like, oh, man. And they were also, that wasn't even the big barrier. That was fine. The big barrier was that everyone had been stoned all day. So they're a terrible audience. They're a terrible audience. So if you have a joke that's longer than 14 seconds. You're a drunk audience, not a stoned one. Exactly.

Yes. So that concludes my portion of the draft. Eden, it is time for your fifth and final pick. Where are you going with it? Exactly. Yeah. So that concludes my portion of the draft. Eden, it is time for your fifth and final pick. Where are you going with it? Okay. I thought about it. Yes.

And I don't know if you guys remember this, and I don't even know if it has a name, but it's the caramel apple pop. Yes, that's what it's called. Is that what it's called? Excellent pick. I thought of that when John was mentioning the sugar daddy. Yes, it was a charms lollipop. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah. It's flat? Yes, that's what it's called. Is that what it's called? Excellent pick. I thought of that when John was mentioning the shogunate. Oh, wait. Yes, it was a charms lollipop. Is that what you're talking about? Yeah.

It's flat? Yes, yes, yes. Yes. I love that it was flat. That was delicious, yes. It fit in my purse. It still fits. There's 10 in my purse right now. Break them out, baby.

We should have brought candy out for this. Break them out. It was good if you lived in LA, again, because the Twix tended to melt. Yeah. If you're sitting in the car, if you forgot about it. Again, the Kit Kats die. And that one just perfect all the time. That one you could suck to a point of sharpness. If you licked it in the right way.

You have to lick it the right way, yeah. You could hack somebody with it because it was so- There's your sword. It was so rigid. It was. Back to your Butterfinger days. But you could. And like the sugar daddy, it could get stuck to your Butterfinger days. But you could. And like the sugar daddy, it could get stuck to the roof of your mouth.

It was an airtight candy. It was the best of all worlds. Yeah. A little bit of sugar daddy because it had the caramel. And a little bit of the Tootsie Pop because it had the candy. That apple part of it was so good. And it was tangy and sweet just like a caramel apple should be. Absolutely.

And misfigured. It is misfigured. Yeah is misfigured, yeah. But still tasted the same. Again, metaphor. There was something. They seemed almost a little more artisan because no two were the same. There was no uniformity

because they all had a difference what a caramel dip was. It was like a French casserole. Right, exactly. It's my artisan caramel apple. Each caramel apple pop was one of one. Made by Charms. Made by Charms.

That's a beaut. You just pulled that out of the ether of time. Pulled it out of my purse because it fit in there. You pulled it right out of the purse of time. It does fit in a wallet comfortably. It could fit in your front pocket. It's a very versatile candy. Not like the – like a Tootsie Pop, if you put it in your pocket, it just –

It's painful. And it looks funny on your butt. It's working your glute. Yeah. You're going to get like a sciatic condition. And then you go to the doctor and the doctor is like, all right, we fixed you. Here's another Tootsie Pop. And it starts all over again.

Why did they give you that? I don't know. I think it's candy of the doctor. Yeah. Caramel Apple Pop, amazing pick. Yeah. Caramel Apple Pop. Amazing pick. Yeah. John Cryer.

I can't top that. You can't top that. I can't top that. But you can take us home. But I can take you home with a semi-obscure candy. Okay. That required a certain application. There was a certain process to it.

Again, you get that it's all about a journey for me. Fun dip. Yeah. Where you get like a candy stick that's a white candy, but I don't know what type of candy it is actually. It's almost incidental. Yes. And then you lick it. You lick the candy and then you jam it in the pack with the pixie dust.

I mean, it's like a pixie stick dust. And then you lick it off of the thing, but you get the flavor of the candy as well as the flavor of the pixie dust. It was very disgusting if you think of the anatomy of it. Like, let's use our own spit to pick up more candy. And they would. Sometimes they leaned into the ground like there'd be a toe shaking later on. Spit on this edible stick and dip it in sugar. The Fun Dip, yeah, that's a delicious candy.

It was. It did cut through the – because Pixie Stick on its own, a little intense. And it was too – yes, it was too tart. A little intense. It was painful in some degree. And that gave it a good baseline. Eden, you're very chocolate-oriented. What is your take on the Fun Dip?

I like Fun Dip. You like it? But again, it's terribly messy. You can't handshake anyone after that. Yeah. Oh, excuse me. I'm going to take my fun dip out.

I'm going to take this edible stick that I spit on to pick up more sugar and put that in my mouth and then give you a handshake. Like, it's just not as powerful. You're way more considerate.

No, you keep one half sort of dry-ish. Yeah. Did you just not do it right? Did you just lick the whole thing No, you keep one half sort of dry-ish. Yeah. Did you just not do it right? Did you just lick the whole thing? Are you just licking your finger and dipping it in the pixies? Yeah, that's cheating. I used to do the sugar packets as a kid when I was like bored at the table.

Oh, yeah. It seems like that. I feel like the creator of it was like, well, why don't we just do that thing we used to do as kids but like add a stick to it? It maybe was. Like, well, why don't we just do that thing we used to do as kids but like add a stick to it? It maybe was. You probably saw like a young Eden Granger at like a cafe someplace just going ham on like some sugar packets. Why am I getting a cut out of this? I want royalties.

I don't know. You need to talk to your people. But I like that it was a process, that you had your little – and it came in a pack that was a pressed paper pack where they had one compartment for the stick and then the other compartment for the powder. And you would rip open both things and both sides and you would take the stick out and then dip it in the other side, retaining the old compartment for storage of the stick if it got too wet and saliva-y. This sounds like an Ikea assembly line. By the way, good candy at Ikea. John, you have the fun dip and the candy buttons. You are... See, I was trying to mix it up

because you were hitting all the chocolates. The good ones. No, I mean, chocolate is an easy choice. I know, it's like a cheap laugh, isn't it? The coward's choice. Yes, it's the coward's choice. It's like my hack joke. A not coward's choice would be those coward's violet candies. Oh, yeah.

See? Yeah. The irony being that they wouldn't be the coward's choice. The bravest pick possible other than the candy corn. Who named their company Cowards? Cowards. Cowards. That's it.

That's the name of the company. Got it. It was somebody in the dorm in school ties who just wasn't the racist. Who was overheard a coward. Non-racist. The one black guy. Well, Fun Dip, I think it's an amazing pick.

I've indulged in a Fun Dip or two in my day. Okay. Yeah, it's reminiscent. It's like the sweet version of dipping a corn dog in some ketchup. Sure. We were all thinking. It's not what I thought of, but okay.

We were all thinking of it, especially Eden. That was Eden's main thought, corndog-oriented. Guys, an amazing draft. Really quick, let's – first, is there anything left to say about the fun dip? I can think of nothing. Who could say more? Exactly. We've said it all.

I think we've just filleted it and left it spat on the table. It spat back on the table. Here are the, to go over the picks, John Cryer, you started with the Sugar Daddy, and then you went

with the fun-sized, specifically fun-sized Three Musketeers. I stand by this. And then the Candy Buttons. Still there. Tootsie Pop. Boom.

And then brought it all home with the Fun Dip. Yeah. Eden Dranger, you opened up with the Whoppers. By the way, here's a, really quick, you know what's a fun way to say Whoppers? Whoppers.

Whoppers. You did it. Yes. Yeah. Another fun way, Maltesers. Maltesers. And then you went to Twix, the 100 gram bar, peanut M&Ms, and then brought it home with a caramel apple pop.

M&M's and then brought it home with a caramel apple pop. I started off with Butterfingers and then went Gummy Coke bottles, Candy Corn, Twizzlers, and then the Chibichu. I hate my list. I hate it. I was so curious

to hear the result of this. I was too. I was all flash. I was all sizzle, no steak on my list. But that's it. We love some interesting candy on the board. We did. We love Snickers, Pop Rocks. Pop Rocks. Oh my gosh. Skittles. Does Mentos count?

Mentos does count. Starburst. Starburst. Oh God, I was addicted to the orange Starburst. Again, with the orange. Oh yeah, you like the orange. I was a pink Starburst. Pink is kind of almost the hack flavor. I forgot about the Skittles, the very Donald Trump-y Skittles for some reason. Oh, yeah. You like the orange. I was a pink star. I mean, yeah. Pink is kind of almost the hack flavor. I forgot about the Skittles, the very Donald Trump-y Skittles. The Skittles.

Yeah, yeah. With the bowl of refugees, right? Oh, God. That's right. Yeah. I'm not going to let him poison my candy. I was so mad at that. Yeah.

Exactly. No. Taste the rainbow. Like they were all, everybody was saying, I wonder if he loses, if he'll concede the election. Fuck him. Yeah, who cares? I don't give a shit what he has to say.

We move on. Exactly. Yeah, we move on. Fuck him. fuck him. Yeah, who cares? I don't give a shit what he has to say. We move on. Exactly. Yeah, we move on. Fuck him. We'll eat nasty Skittles. Lots of nasty, nasty Skittles. Yes.

And then one that I almost picked, which also would have been a total asshole pick, Big League Chew. Oh. Oh, no. I know it's gum, but I ate it like candy. A little fat kid. Gum counts. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Thank you. For being a part of

the candy all fantasy everything draft once again Eden they can find you on Twitter at is it just

at Eden yeah underscore eats Eden underscore eats if you look up my name just pop up there

yes the only Eden Ranger on Twitter and then Mr. John Cryer J-O-N yes there are other

John Cryers actually there are well one of them is my, J-O-N. Yes. There are other John Cryers, actually. There are? Well, one of them is my uncle. J-O-H-N or J-O-N? J-O-N. J-O-N as well. Yeah.

You get juniored in that instance or no? No. You don't? No. I'm just me. Junior mints, another one. Junior mints were good. We didn't do any mint candies.

This has been a fiasco. Guys, we'll come. This is a debacle. We need another one. Off air, we'll draft another 10, 15 rounds. Guys, thank you so much for participating. Such a pleasure. Thank you so much for listening.

If you've got the time right now, please go to iTunes and like and subscribe us. Give us a rating. Five stars. I won't settle for anything less. We gave you five rounds. Give us a star for each round. I'm just kidding. Give us whatever you want. Thank you't settle for anything less. We gave you five rounds. Give us a star for each round. I'm just kidding. Give us whatever you want.

And thank you so much for listening. Tune in again next Thursday for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. That was a hate gun podcast.