All Fantasy Everything - Capital Cities (w/ Sam Tallent, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: September 9, 2021

Here's a capital idea, lets draft capital cities! King of the Road Sam Tallent joins the fellers for this one.  See us live in Denver!! Sept 18th at the High Plains Comedy Festival. Tickets. Guest: Sam Tallent @tallentsam IG: @samtallent Special: Waiting For Death To Claim Us Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, watchalongs, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy. Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Merch: teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverything Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting capital cities because it's a capital idea. Our guest today is comedian Sam Talent. Sam is the author of the book Running the Light,

and he co-hosts the podcast Chubby Behemoth. His new comedy special, Waiting for Death to Claim Us, is now streamable on Apple and Amazon Prime. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and we're joined, as always, by my friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Hit the theme welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything the podcast that's going to send you back to bolivia in a fucking box yeah dude yeah man i saw what you said in the episode description that came out today

i'll set a child custody hearing in bolivia that's your idea of a joke if i would have written that my name would have been spelled right i don't know who wrote it but i uh was it marissa you sneak shot it was my voice text and it was just uh i think i voiced text and it spelled sean s-h-a-w-n so you did write your name wrong oh you finally spelled it right i said it into my phone and it was written down wrong i believe what you spelled was pronounced sean so you finally had your name right you are like sean wayans sean sean i am a lot like Sean Wayans. Sean. Sean. I am a lot like Sean Wayans. A lot. There's a lot of ways.

We don't have the time to get into today how like Sean Wayans you are. Ass to ass. No, you weren't in Bolivia. I've never been to Bolivia, dude. No, man. Never been to Bolivia. I'll tell you what we're excited about is the High Plains Comedy Festival. I, you know, I've never needed one before. need it you need it you do i've never needed i've what is one what festival

what do you think it was i think we all know what i thought it was well tug job hugs i most of these are just fun but like this one i'm like no am i in am i in do you guys yeah you're in yeah yes it works all right okay yeah you're good i'll count you in and sam talent in five four hey everyone it's me tug job talent glad to be here fresh off the steamship from bolivia the other behemoth tug job yeah tug jobs are the worst yuck no yeah no they can be no i think they get a bad rap no thank you we're not at the malt shop the war is not on i don't have a victory garden all right gross grow up everybody you're getting tug jobs at the malt shop yeah i mean my fear my

grandfather did after he got back from ww2 the big one yeah ww2 the big one one that mattered my grandpa called it he fought in ww2 the big one and he called it ww2 the big one wow like every time he referenced it yeah when i was in ww2 the big one sure he wasn't a backyard wrestling promoter that's insane it might have been dude yeah greasy he was a greasy individual he sold used cars i have his pinky ring to this day he's that kind of guy his pinky ring outlived him are you gonna wear it to denver i will wear it to denver yes oh yeah ron benner's pinky ring will be making the trip my mom was a used car salesperson, and she took, she wasn't supposed to, but she took one of the, you know, they give you a car to drive around town. She took it outside of the state to take me to a taekwondo tournament.

Whoa. On the way back, we hit a deer, and it totaled the car. So she had to show back up and be like, so I took it across state lines. Pam Kishikima. I totaled it. And then they were cool with it. I don't know what happened. The details are lost on me after And then they were cool with it. I don't know what happened. The details are lost on me after that.

They were cool with it. What are you talking about? Your mom totaled a burner car in Iowa? North Dakota. Oh, even worse. Yeah, we went up north. We went up north. Is that what you guys call it?

Went up north. Went up north. Went up north for a taekwondo tournament none of this you're just all i've heard a lot of selling drug stories we brought about two pounds of taekwondo back with us so what was the deer sean what was the deer i feel like this is like deep exposure therapy what was the deer actually sean i've been told it was a deer um no dude session's over i think i don't i don't think i want to go too far into it. That was a Bolivian seal team, dude.

It was the first blood I ever saw. Whoa. What? You remember the first blood you saw? How bad a taekwondo were you if that was the first blood you ever saw? You never had an errant kick go above the neck? Yeah, I mean, I popped a kid's nose one time. He won because I broke his nose and i got

disqualified i didn't mean that's why i don't respect that sport yeah that should be a win for you you call that getting a jackpot dude because it won't stop gushing yeah he went up and got his first place trophy with blood all over his shit i was standing back there my crispy whites just like whatever i got second my childhood memories are soaked in blood. I don't know why. There's a lot of blood. There's a lot of wash in blood. Because you're an animal. I feel like I bled a lot back then.

Oh, yeah. I was just fucking weeping blood constantly. I had constant nosebleeds as a kid to the point where they like, I got a pool shut down because of it. Like that kind of level. Whoa. Whoa. How much blood?

You ruined a quinceanera with your bloody nose? Well, it was the Middle of a Jewish community center, so I don't know how many 16-year-old Mexican girls were there, but probably not zero. More than you'd think. Yeah. Or 15 quinceaneras? 15.

That's when you turn 15. That's right. 15. 15. Sean Jordan is here. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on Instagram. Sean can't fucking wait for the High Plains Comedy Festival festival where we will be doing a live all fantasy everything saturday

september 18th and that's at noon that show starts at noon 12 p.m noon how hungover are you guys gonna be they know who they were booking i mean they our show the previous night i had to for travel reasons move we had to move to 11 so we're going to be doing a show at 11 the night before and then noon the day after and i bet there'll be other things that also happen in between the shows yeah yeah there's a barbecue that friday yeah i'll be at it um yeah last one i almost broke my finger at playing catch. Neither here nor there. Come to this show. It's going to be a blast.

Tickets available now. You can get them. You can find them on any of our socials and also nightout.com slash events slash all fantasy everything eighth annual High Plains Comedy Festival tickets. Or in the episode description. Oh, yeah, that's even better. Thank you, Marce.

You gotta be vaxxed. If you're not vaxxed, I will i will yeah not to not to you know but a couple people get political in my dms well a couple people slid in my dms like i wish i wish you didn't have to be and i'm like or just get it just you know come on bums me out they thought you were like the link that was gonna break in the chain yeah like i'm gonna be like i'm not vaxxed sean'll get it yeah sean's a pussy i feel like that's what everyone's getting i like i'll hit sean up he'll he'll sneak me in no i don't think that i think they just think that maybe you'll be more sympathetic towards it i understand it's like you just you don't get to do stuff no but

like out of the three of you you're the one who wouldn't be vaxxed. Why? I mean, what? Carmel's clearly vaxxed. He's a high-power Hollywood hitter. David's vaxxed because I was there when he got it. That's terrible reasoning. Why is Marissa vaxxed? I'm Canadian. She's Canadian. Canadian.

I didn't know you were Canadian. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Big time Canadian. Canuck even. I'll throw the word around. Whoa, did we say that? Yeah. Yeah, I'll allow you to say that.

Oh, no. That's. That makes me feel. Are you not supposed to say Canuck? No, it's fine. It's fine. What happens in the discourse? I think like Canadians normally say Canucks.

I don't really hear Americans say it. But it's fine to say it. I don't think it's offensive. No. I always thought it was a... I thought it was friendly almost. Yeah. I might have two drunks and call you a Canucklehead. We'll see what happens.

I might not be vaxxed, David, but at least I wasn't out not wearing a mask for the last year and a half like you were. I was vaxxed the whole time. Well, you got the vaccine before anybody else? Yeah. Liar. I beta tested it. Sean doesn't need a vaccine, he's got a Maxine dude That's enough for him That's not science, don't spread that

That's enough for him The science of life The sweet science Please buy tickets to come see us in Denver If you are vaccinated If you are not vaccinated You can buy the tickets, I don't give a fuck. You can still buy them.

You can't come. I don't know what to tell you. You have your reasons. Us talking is probably not going to convince you. I'm not trying to talk shit. Also, the way that that venue is set up, if you're not vaccinated, you can watch from outside the gate. It's at number 38. Sam, Sam, Sam.

We're going to have people with fire hoses just blasting blast. And I'm going to say, try that. Just blast. And I'm dead. Oh yeah. That was bad promotion. I don't know why. No one has to pay. Just come stand outside the gate.

Do a little pregame. Do a barbecue out there. I am suggesting people tailgate though. Yes. Yeah. Like before breakfast. Yeah. Get up at sunrise and tailgate for the noon show

yeah people won't do that yeah i'll do that i'll be i'll be out there with i remember going from seattle to san francisco when we toured it was like 6 a.m in the airport and i was like you get a jameson at what we get in like jameson and steak or something for breakfast i had a i had like a fruit basket didn't you yeah i was i was like deluding myself i don't know i think i had a crab omelet or something like or a crab salad i had a crab salad and you had i had a oil man's breakfast yeah we're not the first to say that time doesn't count in an airport you can do whatever you want whatever you want no it doesn't i realized i it was harsh i had to show my id one or i had to show my ticket one time

because in order to get what i wanted at that hour they needed to know that you were traveling out of the state like what oh my god it was like 5 a.m it was like 5 a.m and i wanted to drink kentucky and they were like you can't have a drink if you're flying in the state i'm like what do you think i'm flying from portland to bend or something but anyway i just had to prove that i was flying out of the state before they would give me a drink what insane order did you have just it was just like half a bottle drink i just like a jameson on ice or something but it was just so early that they were like i remember when we were we were flying back from the uh the grammys we like like those were were on a Sunday night and then we had a show on Monday and like after the Grammys,

we just all kept partying and we were at like JFK and tried to go and like went to a duty free store to try to buy a bottle of liquor that we could in the airport and we did. But then someone came over and told us we couldn't play past the shit with like a bottle of gray goose in the airport. And you're like, well, we can, you just can't over and told us we couldn't play past the shit with a bottle of Grey Goose in the airport. And you're like, well, we can. You just can't be here to see it. Yeah, we're just going to get some Dasanis.

Yeah, let's go do it in the bathroom. I had a similar experience on a train once, so I get it, Ian. We're doing the same stuff. You just want to keep the party going, man. You don't want to be hungover at work the next day. Still drunk is way better. It's funny, the rules in an airport though because i would like when i when we flew to boston i didn't have a hotel yet so i

just slept on the ground at an empty terminal for like four hours done that and then i woke up and the terminal was full of people just sitting around me so i was sleeping on the ground with a hundred people sitting around me that's never gonna doesn't happen anywhere except an airport yeah you were sleeping on the ground you'd call it the rain wait do you have anything to promote go to the high plains comedy festival and see us on september 18th at the number 38 i have days november and december we can we can talk about those later also we're doing it we have a stand up showcase the night before uh come see that if you really want to rock with us come come to that and then we'll see you less than

12 hours later i'll be getting fresh off a flight fresh off a flight going right to the venue you're coming right in i will have been there for a couple days having skateboarded but we're hosting right we're not doing sets that's easy i think maybe a little bit of both i'm gonna blow in on the summer wind maybe do it maybe do a maybe we should do a seven i'm gonna go shredding around denver with one adam newroth for a couple days before that i couldn't be i don't care yeah you do no he's excited i'm excited we're all gonna see you we're all gonna hang out we're gonna hug we're gonna smile it's gonna be dang i don't i don't fucking care it's gonna be so dang i don't care yes you do man you understand me you can't take the smile off the face i don't

fucking care that you're a skateboarder come see me in tucson september 10th and 11th it's not your turn yet dave it is yours is done you blew it on track yeah dude gsi on twitter cool guy joke 77 on instagram david bory gonna be in tucson yeah come see me in Tucson. Yeah, come see me in Tucson or come see me in Seattle the 24th to the 25th. Dates. Dates. At the Annex Theater. I'm gonna be at a wedding. I'm gonna get dressed up. Is that my sister's? What are you doing?

Yeah, my sister's wedding. Aliza Carmel, dude. Awesome. I think she tried to send you an invite, David, but you're gonna be in Seattle? She gave me an invite. She tried to send. Sean didn't get one.

Shane didn't get one. Shane didn't. She did send one to Shane. It was just the wrong address, but it's so funny. Shane move. Total Shane move. How else are you doing, buddy? I'm good.

You know, I'm just staying busy or whatever else. I was on that boat with Sam the other day. I saw it good yeah that shit was nuts david's the king of the water dude he's so good at being afloat international waters man yes yeah it was on a boat all weekend with ivan m carmel dude the high seas what i'm screaming when you're gonna take max right yeah i'm taking the baby i'm putting her on a flight. I'm just going to have a flight attendant watch her. But, you know, make sure you get her at LAX. You can fly with a baby, right?

I feel like I've heard it happen a lot. I don't know. I won't be on the plane, but yeah. You've heard of people flying with a loose baby, David? Not like in their pocket. They strap it in. They don't fit in your pocket, David. Yours doesn't jeez

unless you got my cross colors from eighth grade yeah they definitely put on a cross color pocket i got a big pocket do you remember those pockets they were like down to the back of your like the knee crease from your butt yeah they're big big pockets anyway i wish i remembered his cross colors as well as you but i was six so it's always like it's very vague you never wore them you never wore them when you were older i was 12 and like 99 all right yeah there's a nice way to say that but that's fine sean went by big pockets in sioux falls for like a three-year run dude they called him pockets sam you know what my gang name was for real oh thumpers for real for real it was a it was a loose

six with a c that's right brutal how whack is that sex dude i thought i was the shit when i thought of that too what gang were you in the burger king kids club the crips the crips six the one with the wheelchair yeah he was a smart one right yeah yeah yeah sure charles it was professor charles. Yeah. Kid Van and Six. That was the kids club. And then the Hawaiian one. Yeah. Moana. Anyways, that's all I got.

Sam Talent is here. Hey. Sam, is it Sam underscore Talent? Yeah, I mean, I'm on Instagram, man. At Sam Talent on Instagram. I'm not good at Twitter. I mean, for God's sake, who even should be? Nobody's good at Twitter. I'm not good at Twitter. I mean, for God's sake, who even should be? Nobody's good at Twitter.

Some people are good at Twitter. Yeah, Joanna Scammer. Shaq. Twitter's such a bummer. Oh, Ice-T's good at Twitter. Ice-T is good at Twitter. Yeah. Ice-T's really good at Twitter.

I'm stuck in this weird indie literature Twitter hole where all I hear is people complaining about novelty presses. And it's all this terrible drama i don't care about for sean was just talking about that twitter the other day what's the novelty what's the novelty is that like jane austin and zombies no no it's like small indie presses where they publish books about 23 year olds with zero life experience but like oh yeah they do xanax so they're interesting yeah yeah it's just some of the worst books ever written just like masturbatory auto fiction and i'm on there like i don't know any of you people and if we were at a party i would probably spit in your cokes just a bunch of dorks just surrounded by dorks on twitter and i don't know what to do yeah they don't kick up dust like david's in like david's on horny twitter you know like i've seen his instagram your instagram search feed is pornographic brother what are we doing right

now it also is a lot of it's also a lot of basketball no david's flossing right now and it's really creeping me out yeah he's wearing a big fancy necklace he's got a ring that says love and one that says hate yeah he's getting the high top fade put in as we speak i'm gonna get hot chicken he's got a homies figurine but it's covered in gold he's wearing it around his neck like that have you just seen that like the jake paul people have wear like blinged out Charizard 10 out of 10s necklace? Like that's the new fucking like Charizard. Like the cards? Like Pokemon cards that are worth like 800 grand.

They put them on a chain and wear them. Oh. So I know who Jake Paul is. Is he like a trained fighter or is he really just like in it to make waves? It's old school carny stuff i think that boxing is going down school yeah downhill dude i think entertainment is circling the drain i think the fights are not legitimate and people bet all to they buy them to watch him lose and then he continues to win and it's uh one of the smartest money-making scams of our entire

generation it's like we we like there's no reason he wouldn't have beat tyrone woodley like that's or tyrone woodley would have lost it that's it it's absurd so they're fixed fights he's not a good fighter they're fixed you think and people like it's a whole thing to get people to buy tickets for when he loses yeah they were held them up dude he held them up he held them up there yeah there's clear footage of him like keeping him from fucking going down really beat any of us up but like for sure yeah what does that mean yeah nothing that's very low bar i've seen i'm a certified lover boy dropping at 10 p.m oh that's right that's tonight yeah it's tonight man i get to watch the new episode of what we do in the shadows and then listen to drake is that what it's like to be a dad? Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and say this.

Drake is really good. All right? I didn't get it. I didn't get it until we were on that boat, dude. And it was crazy. It's amazing. That's boat music. That's the problem.

Yes. You got to hear him on a boat or like in a hotel. He makes boat music. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I imagine like helicopter over a volcano would have hit the same way. Yeah. I started from the bottom and now we here came on and i'm surrounded by david and my wife and all my friends i was weeping yeah it was here it was we were pretty drunk too but it was really it was really good surrounded by david is your signature scent right david

signature scent surrounded by david comes out soon right it's just fish grease that's the secret just fish grease and a little bit of pine saw uh sam what do you want to direct people towards just like you i mean your book i mean you running the light you've got the new comedy special where where can people check you out and fuck with you on my instagram i mean samtalent.com has all my dates i'm on the road hard for september october and november so just come see me when i'm in your city there it is samtalent.com get the get the physical copy of the book listen to the audio book yeah hey shout out to all of your uh fans for being so kind and buying the book you guys have always been really nice to me so thank you, they're very lovely people. Yeah, they love to support.

They're very sweet. Lovely recognize lovely. That's all that's going on there. But yeah, shout out to all the listeners. You guys are fucking awesome. Taking a here now. My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter.

At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on Jewish Twitter video of my boss filming crosswalk the musical and having people make fun of it on twitter you can check all that out uh is that a scandal is there a scandal it was the stupidest thing that's ever happened to the boy we were filming crosswalk the musical which we literally film during a crosswalk it's 35 seconds it's how long the crosswalk goes yeah and somebody took a video of it and they were like oh my god this is amazing they were like being really nice about it and then like shithead twitter jumped on it and we're like i can't believe he's blocking traffic so it was like imagine you were you've been working in the icu for 18 hours and you're

driving home and then you get hell yeah and then And then you see this, I'd kill myself. So like what musical was it? If it was show girls, it'd be tight. No, it was, it was Cinderella. Granted, not like,

you know what I mean? Like diet show girls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In what would normally just be a regular crosswalk, which would have been like an Orthodox Jew and somebody with groceries from Erewhon walking across it.

That's what normally would be in there. And now it's this big show and people are just like doing this jack off fantasy where they were an ICU doctor who also hated James Corden. ICU doctors and nurses love our shit. They love it. My wife, big fan. You know what it talks about in those hypothetical situations? The guy who just worked at Meineke for 12 hours and doesn't want to see his kids the guy who's taking the long way home and who's stoked that there's a reason that he's not going to be there by dinner time who's fucking loving it and also there's just no extra traffic it's

just so stupid because it's just when the crosswalk is happening anyway it was fucking dumb and my jack off fantasies I'm driving a limo. Not riding in, driving. And I'm in the back seat. I flip. I flip. I pull the flip. I'm like, oh, Paul Abdul, you like Burger King too?

Or whoever. And there's some eye contact in the mirror. Yeah, that's what it is. And then she slowly rolls up the partition. You want to go to Victoria's Secret. Oh, Paul Abdul, you want to get fitted for bathing suits? You got it, man. You want a tasteful one piece?

Yeah. I'm the only one you trust when it comes to bathing suit opinions? Okay. All right. Yeah. And then David buys her some bathing suits and then drops her off at the beach yeah well we fomped in the store don't say fomped she's i got it from you yeah i don't say it distastefully you're the first person i ever heard say that you do only say it distastefully

oh yeah i am an innovator when it comes to lingo. You're right. I'm the king of vocabulary. You wrote a book. You don't get to go back and forth. I exist in the day and the night. Just stomping. He's tired. He has a kid. No, no, I'm not. He would have said that 12 hours of sleep in a run-in. I could have just woke up from a day-long nap. He would have said that 12 hours of sleep in a run-in. I could have just woke up from a day-long nap.

I would have said that. He's walking out of a juice place with a ginger shot, man. Well-rested. Clean-shaven. Still saving Fompton. I shaved my neck for you boys. Wasn't for us? It was.

One day Marissa told me I look clean, and I was like, well, now I can't go backwards. So I had to at least shave my neck. Listen to All fantasy everything. Come to the High Plains Comedy Festival. Watch the Late Late Show with James Corden. Where I am, permanent sidekick. Holler at your boy. I'll be on there.

We're getting here today, though, not only to talk about me being a less talented Andy Richter, but also to fantasy draft state capitals. Sam, what made you want to draft state capitals? I imagine you've been to a lot of them doing stand-up. I've been to every one of them, except for Juno. I saw the list that Sean sent, and a lot of them had been picked over like a carcass in the desert by vultures. So I thought this, as we're four very well-traveled vagabonds

who've been on the highways and byways of this great American country, I figured we could weigh in. Also, a lot of them suck. So when it gets down to three and four, that's going to be fun. I'm very excited. A bunch. If I ever get stuck with Dover, that's going to be fun. I also can name all the state capitals, so I like them. My brother.

I feel like right now I could probably knock out 48 of them, and I'd be reaching for a couple. But I could get that. I could train up. Yeah, I mean, how about this? Kentucky. Frankfort. Okay, yeah, Frankfort.

That's it. That's the tough one. That is the tough one. That is the tough one. The other hard one is cute. So it's like, all right, well, we'll get into it. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors played between the three of you. And we throw on shoot.

Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Ooh, David wins. He throws rock. It's a natural win, too, against two scissors. David, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you, it's a serpentine draft and what is that it's a great question it's like if you're on a road trip around the whole country but you don't

uh you want to you want to make sure that you see the whole thing so you start uh bottom of california you drive all across the the bottom of the country through like arizona new mexico texas I have all across the bottom of the country through Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Georgia, Florida, Alabama. Then you go up a little bit to, say, South Carolina. Then you want to circle back. Then you go through South Carolina and then all those same states again because they're all long. You might hit the very bottom of Colorado on this way back. Then you end up in the middle of California. then you go up a little bit to northern california and then you go back and by then you're going through like idaho montana nebraska iowa michigan ohio then you get like over to massachusetts area you go up a little bit so you're in like vermont new hampshire area and then you kind of sweep it back. So you just hit like the bottom of Michigan

and like, you know, Illinois, South Dakota, North Dakota, Montana, back over to Washington. And then, you know, you're good. So you just kind of go back and forth. Basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. David, with that in mind, what will the order of today's All Fantasy Everything Fantasy Draft be?

David, Sean, Sam, Ian. David, Sean, Sam, Ian. David, Sean. All right. Sam, Ian. Hot corner. That's how it goes on my thing. David, Sean. Sam, Ian.

That's how it goes on my thing. That's how it goes on my thing. David, you have the first pick. And the state capitals, all fantasy, everything fantasy draft. And we will get to that first pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by schedule 35. Now microdosing is an absolute game changer.

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a podcast it's been either all fantasy everything or chubby behemoths that's fucking it all right that's it that's it joe who ivermectin what i had a long week and i don't have time to fucking explain to you people at home that those are the only two podcasts but i did all right that's it you're a nice guy i'm a nice guy preach bro preach stern but fair i'm at the end of my fucking rope with some of these people. You know? I do know, yeah. I'm at the end of my fucking rope. Yeah, your eyes are on fire. Yeah, I'm burning. I'm burning hot.

Yeah, you're glowering on accident. The crows are circling. Glowering. The crows are circling. And they have hunger in their eyes. Crows are circling and they have hunger in their eyes. I was driving home today. This is just a quick tangent.

There's a house on the end of my block like everything else is nice like kind of like older couples who've lived in the neighborhood forever there's a few like younger couples on the street too and there's one house that's been hanging on the corner since atwater village was like one of the shadiest places in la and they're still hanging on hell yeah and like the cops are there all the time. Their yard is full of like garbage. There's a cement mixer in it for some reason. Is this on your block or is it like down the street a little bit? Down the street, but on the block.

You've seen it. You know the house. Yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. It's some shady dealings. Like something's going on there. It's, I mean, this makes me sound like a gentrifier and maybe I am. It's more than just broke people. Like, there's definitely some shady shit going on.

And today, I drove home, and the guy who lives there was standing outside of his house with one of those tennis rackets, but with, like, a bungee cord attached to it for people who practice tennis, practicing tennis in a Dirk Nowitzki jersey. This all sounds pretty cool, man. So the cops... Man, the cops are there just for laughs. That's just strength training. Now I don't know what's going on over there. Now I have no fucking idea. He's getting ready for the open.

You know what's going on. That's just where poor Zingas lives. That's who you saw, dude. She showed me that I'm fucking wrong i thought i knew what was going on over there i thought i had the whole like situation clocked i don't know fucking a thing i don't know a thing about what's going on at that house what time i would have lived in 2006 it does that kind of play yeah yeah it's a little it's it's a little grimier than even the grimiest flop house that a comedian has lived in.

So a house I would have lived in from 2011 till 2014. Perfect. It's so funny thinking about those old cribs, like just the front yard parties we would have and stuff. Where now, like if there were a bunch of 20-year-olds having a front yard party till 4 in the morning next to me, I'd absolutely call the cops. I don't know how the neighbors didn't call the cops every night on us my wife's birthday we partied so hard that one of our neighbors put gum in the door opener of her car the handle to her bronco someone put gum in there dude really i don't know if it was because i was throwing citrus fruit on the roof it was because of the fruit on the roof for sure. Oh dude. Yeah.

Sometimes. Did you just take it where you're like, yeah, if that's the worst case scenario for this, we, you know, we got out. Okay.

Oh no. I, I hid my wife's key. So she had to take my car to work and then went and got it a car wash for it. And that didn't work. So then I was just furiously scraping gum off in a parking lot. Do you feel like it was a justified response oh yeah we yeah okay we were raised in hell yes it was a bloodbath back there at one yeah sometimes some shit just happens you gotta be like yeah i deserve that i mean it was bad enough it was already party time and then

like for i don't know a hundred dollars worth of buffalo wild wing showed up at 12 30 a.m and then it was a feeding frenzy there was blood in the water we had a lot of pizza i just had a big engagement party in my backyard and we had pizza and an ice cream truck that showed up and like marshmallows it was amazing he just called the plug direct yeah dude we got the fucking yeah we got the truck you know the address you know where it's that's right by that dude practicing tennis he's the guy driving the truck yeah fucking christoph's house david boar you have the first pick and the state capitals all fans everything draft what will that pick be easy peasy i'm gonna take denver of course yeah yeah not much else to say worn off the board cleaned it denver is fantastic yeah sam have you been to denver

have i been to denver have you been there has denver been to me that's the question man let's say you didn't have a name until i hit it all right it was still called aur Aurora when I got there. And I was like, no. This is my den, and I go, brr. Damn. That sucked.

I'm going to be here for a very long time. Brutal. It was going to be so good, too. Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, Denver. what's your favorite thing about denver it's not la amen or i don't know man it is not colorado people are genuinely pretty good i just like coloradans a lot wow moving stuff from the denver's favorite son wow dude they should put that on the welcome to town sign what do you want i'm here all the time because i like the people otherwise i would never come back what do i want i don't know you to give a shit about the centennial states

shining jam in the crown well if you don't want rock paper scissors you could have done the whole diatribe i wouldn't have taken denver first. Stand over here. Stand here. You're going to. What are you going to take first? That's not. I'm not telling. But come on. You're going to find out. You're taking Denver first? No, Sean's next.

You know, Denver was the 38th state added to the union. What's up? Denver is a city. Yeah. It sure is. Colorado, on the other hand. Denver's a state of mind. Oh, there it is.

It's a whole vibe. I can't wait till I get a bunch of dms talking about how i can't read now because of that it's gonna happen start up again that's not a reading thing dude make yourself turn into a reading thing your dms seem wild it's just like anti-vaxxers and people who say you can't read that's always turns wild because i answer every single one of them yeah you do i answer every single dm i get hey sean send them my way and i'll give them a little peace of mind all right i'll tell them hey playtime's over you're talking to a tough guy not a sweet man give him a little what for yeah you had your dessert first and that was a mistake

because now it's dinner time break them off yeah I like Denver I've only I'm looking forward to I mean I wish I could have gone for more time in fucking high plains

because I was looking forward to like not being quite so drunk there but now I'm going to be there for 24 hours yeah that's good too

I will be drunk but I imagine it's a very beautiful place to be for non-party stuff oh yeah I mean you're gonna be there till sunday right no you're leaving on saturday night right no i leave i'll leave sunday sunday morning yeah i mean from the from the multi-ethnic beautiful smorgasbord of food on federal all the way down to uh the beautiful university of denver campus, the Harvard of the Prairie.

Jesus, dude. Well, hey, man. You want to go over to... I hope you can wax on some of my pics like this because I'm going to be struggling. The Harvard of the Prairie. Yeah, man. No one's ever said that.

Yes, they do, David. You would know that if you hung out... No, I didn't go to college. Is Denver on the prairie side of the Rockies? It is then, huh? Yeah. This is the queen city of the Rockies? It is then, huh? Yeah. It is. It is.

It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is. It is the queen city of the plains, Ian Carmel. Is it Cincinnati, the queen city?

Queen city of the river, Ian Carmel. Oh, the queen city of the river. Yes. And you're calling, and Denver's getting the Harvard of the plains over like University of Nebraska. Whoa, University of Nebraska? I don't know. A fucking state school?

Get real, Ian. Is Denver not a state school? David could have got in there. David could have got in there. D.U.'s amazing. Yeah, D.U.'s great. I'm graduating from Metro December 18th, David. You're going to graduate?

Honorary degree, baby. 12 years later, he never had to go back. You were like two credits shy or some shit. Eight credit hours. You really made that shit work. They're giving it to me. That's hilarious. Yes.

Oh, man. Emily's pissed. I bet. I bet. Are you getting an honorary degree? Yes. Because you wrote a book and you're an influential comedian? No, because I'm the favorite son of Denver because I'm such a champion of Denver.

That's true. Yeah, yeah. No, they're just giving me eight credit hours because I have life experience, I guess. But hey, everyone's invited. Yeah, man. Hell yeah. I'll be in that gown. I'll be nude underneath.

I want to get you a letter jacket. Please do. I know. I have so many designs picked out. I know. You send them to me at two in the morning. be in that gown i'll be nude underneath i want to get you a letter jacket please do i know i have so many designs picked out i know you send them to me at two in the morning it's just like this one's got a sierra leone flag on it this one says butch on it for some reason yeah david lettered and being from sierra leone i can get them at cost but yeah denver pick number one first pick denver sean jordan it's time for your first pick i have to go down south to austin texas yeah my first pick sure well you're a big rogan guy so yeah yeah remember when you puked that wine up on me in austin

yeah and me brought up uh yeah a few times on this show yeah um you know i had lunch one time with joe rogan and alex jones i know i've told you that your dms make more and more sense the more you how ridiculous is that though it wasn't by choice but it happened and it was crazy what someone threw a bag over your head and pushed you in a van and dropped you off at lunch i was just kind of there i just showed up like i was with some people and we showed up and that was the table we were at like they met them and that's where we were are you purposefully trying to not say who you were with i feel like it okay who you were with was friends with alex jones though right joe rogan with joe rogan yeah yeah okay people are friends with joe rogan in the comedy community. You can say,

I think you can say who it is without blowing up anyone's spot. I don't think it's. Well, whatever. I was, it was like 10 years ago. Was it Cat Williams? It was Cat Williams. Were you hanging out with Cat Williams?

I still do to this day, my friend. If I walked up to a table and it was you, Joe Rogan, Cat Williams, and Alex Jones, I would piss in my pants. I'd be so proud of you,

dude. I would piss right in my pants. Because either something's going really bad or really good. Yeah, but Sean's running the table. Yeah, they're just hanging on my every word. He just slaps Alex Williams in the face. You got the backseat on the hot tub booth?

You know what I mean? So you can lock the door? Oh, no, I said Alex Williams. What a terrible hybrid that would be. Who's that, Jason Williams and Alex Jones? Cat I said Alex Williams. What a terrible hybrid that would be. Who's that? Jason Williams and Alex Jones? Cat Williams and Alex Jones. Alex Jones and Cat Williams.

Oh. Alex Williams, dude. You think you're on the cutting edge of comedy. What's the haircut? It's the perm, right? It's the perm. It's like a big... Alex Jones doing Cat Williams material.

Oh, shit. Ma'am. Weeds got something in it called fuck it. It's got something in it called fuck it. Because the light bill could be late. You just got fired from your job, and then you take a hit, and all of a sudden it's like fuck it. If one more bitch in Atlanta asked to do my hair.

We know why you have stretch marks. Either you were thin and you got fat, or you were fat and you got thin. Either way, we're fucking. Alex Jones looks like blood pressure he he just looks like that guy he always looks like he's about to pop for sure he looks ready to explode man how is he still the fact that he's still alive gives me hope man it seems hard to be him like he's so agitated he's like a paint shaker yeah it's like a pain shaker tell us what you love about austin texas he loves all the wine really every time i've been there it's been perfect it's one of those cities that i've only i've never just been there like it's always for an event or something or it's it's one of those cities that i've only i've never just been there like it's always for an event or

something or it's it's always like uh like the first time we ever went we went to see matt beard and a bunch of comedians that live down there we stayed at his house and he just took us all around town just gave us like the the good treatment that you want when you're going to see a city for the first time and ever since then it's just been great every time it's perfect and this last time i went to the river like downtown i took a day for myself and just went and like walked all over downtown and didn't get all ripped up and it was a blast it's such a pretty city when you're you know enjoying other things apart from the nightlife it's very very very fun i like the weather yeah it's dope you got barton springs where it's topless most of the time yeah i went there with mk so i stayed uh i stayed with mk paulson last time i was there

for like an extra couple days i think after you guys left or something but uh yeah he took me to barton springs and then there's another like pool but it's not a pool it's like a in a rock quarry but it's it's a pool it's got a fence around it i don't know if you know if you live there it's like you snuck into a rock quarry we said uh it was just dope man it's it's such a fantastic city all the comedians from austin are so oh yeah so it's got such a good rich comedy scene that obviously i enjoy i just love it man it's very very very fun good solid choice out of a lot of state capitals that that were not begging to be picked first so i'm glad i i'm glad i got one of the heaters i got i forget what the neighborhood is where if you like walk across the bridge from downtown and just like keep going it's it's the

one that's right there but that place is wonderful too it's like the cool the cool neighborhood yeah it's kind of cool they're like fun little shops there's like a street oh yeah i got fitzgerald park something yeah that area it's just so it's got so many like once you get away from like the sixth street area which is also cool it's just really fucking great food there you know i imagine the next time if if there is one where we go to sixth street i imagine i'll be a bit overwhelmed like i i don't know i'm getting out of the phase the first time you puked i was well that was because of warm plain wine that was a whole that was a whole different bag why was it warm did you smuggle it in was it i don't know your body i don't know why it was warm

he taped it to his gooch he gave me a warm bottle of wine on the plane and i and it didn't stop me but i'm just you know it didn't help i prefer to think of you just going in there with condoms filled with wine taped to your body biting them open in the bathroom just drinking arbor mist next to some old lady going home this is my medicine call the steward i can't stand the fly call the marshal i don't care it's medication somebody was baby bird and wine into his mouth on the flight mm-hmm austin texas yeah i thoroughly enjoy me some austin salt lick barbecue franklin barbecue what is it torchy's tacos is that the taco place yeah that's yep that place is fire too

gosh i forgot about the barbecue we i got the biggest tray of barbecue i've ever had at uh one of those places but yeah god damn yeah it's super good i like it there we were there for a festival once and like they had like a pro gun demonstration downtown and there were just a bunch of dudes walking around with machine guns and it was still a cool vibe that's how you know it's awesome that shit's so scary i was like i'm gonna get off this street but like still having a good time outside oh yeah that's where we did am i crazy that was the first ever live afe that we did right with the big head gum at the big uh head gum party oh yeah yeah wasn't that the first live one we ever did though where we we

drafted drinks oh yeah we did drinks? Oh yeah, drinks. We did draft drinks. Oh yeah. I couldn't get drunk anymore. I took a nap in a party. It was one of those nights where it was like a loud after party and I was so cashed out.

I was like, I'm going to go take a nap inside this party. And it worked just fine. I fell asleep just fine. Did you guys draft the drinks and drink them as we drafted them? We had them up that's that's awesome your boy david thought we were gonna drink 15 we all drank our picks but david's like what we gotta drink 15 drinks and he was fully ready for it i was like no i don't think did we not drink 15 no we didn't right five each i mean probably

yeah we also had been drinking all day i don't know if you guys remember when we walked to the venue we stopped and got drinks like this one i couldn't i do remember i couldn't do it because I mean, probably. We also had been drinking all day. I don't know if you guys remember when we walked to the venue, we stopped and got drinks. I do remember. I couldn't do it because of Malloy. We were with Malloy. I remember that because I was already having a tough time. We had 15 in Minneapolis.

Remember those two you guys had to do up there and I did the second one? Yeah, we had 15. Hey, this stout has 17 abv bring it on bring me a barrel that was one of those tricky things where it's like oh this is only beer but if they if you said that to one of them they're like technically but it's we have a long and storied history of second shows yeah we really just need to stop doing it it's a bad idea we've only done it twice.

We've only done it two times. And it was, you know, they were both very fun. What is also going to be very fun is finding out what Sam's first pick is. Fellas, as you know, I am a maritime mammal. I love the water. I love floating around. I'm notoriously buoyant. You're seaworthy. I'm seaworthy. Yeah, this vessel

is ready to never dock again. You're yar. And I cannot believe that this one's still on the board, even at the third pick. Honolulu, Hawaii, I'm coming home. It wouldn't have been after four. I've never been to Hawaii. Yeah, you got pissed at me when I drafted Hawaii in the States draft, so I

figured I'd steer clear of Honolulu. Got to take it. You would have taken Austin anyway. I would have, but yeah. Honolulu never made it on my list because I was like, I can't, you know. I've only been to Honolulu briefly, but the fact that it's in the great state of Hawaii, that makes it a fucking top pick for me.

It's fucking amazing. Yeah. You got class. You got dirt you know you got uh like kiki beach is a great place to buy your wife a steve madden purse when you're arguing that i know that firsthand and then also you got like you know the you got the wishy-washies uh the rubbing tugs of inner honolulu, what's a wishy-washy? You know, it's a place where someone will give you a tug job. Oh, so it's the same as a rub tug.

That's a term for a tug job, a wishy-washy? So now you like hand jobs. Yeah. No, no, I like open commerce. I like capitalism. I like freedom. I like jobs being creative. Hey, people who send Sean messages, hit me up.

We might shake hands. But yeah, Honolulu is great. It's very touristy, of course, but you got everything you need right there. It feels like a city, and I can't say enough nice things about it. What's your favorite thing to hon-a-doo-doo when you're there? All right.

Huh? What is said that? I'm going to use the restroom. I'm going to use the restroom. Use the restroom in my pants. All right. Huh? What a setback. I'm going to use the restroom. I'm going to use the restroom. Keep talking. Keep going. In my pants. All right?

I would have said that if I wasn't tired either. So there we go. I am tired. Best thing in Honolulu is you go to the bar that's next to the Red Lobster. Don't want to give the name away,

but you know what I'm talking about. In Waikiki, the ABC store, the Red Lobster, that bar right behind there right by the the harbor you want to give the name why don't you want to go it's like a locals only place i don't want to bury it oh yeah you probably shouldn't have even gone this far next to the red lobster it's a locals only bar yeah what else is next to a red lobster uh usually

a plasma donation center yeah yeah but it's like red lobster is going to be like in the in a in an area where not locals are going to go to it aren't they like isn't it more than one red lobster in the city of honolulu i imagine they have actually real real or nice restaurants right or no they do here's a crazy question does a red lobster does it matter if it's closer to like you know the ocean like are you gonna get better lobster is it a corporate place where they're getting like shipped in lobster from i don't know like does that matter does it make sense what i'm asking yeah i don't know the answer i think it's a valid question and i would probably say that it doesn't matter i don't think people i don't

think the chefs of red lobster are taking the nets out every morning yeah that's what i'm saying so they're still getting like that corporate shit lobster. Yeah, exactly. But yeah, go get drunk there on Bloody Marys and then get in the water. All the beaches in Hawaii are public. You can't have a private beach in Hawaii unless you're the government or the military. So you can just get on whatever beach you want, even at the fanciest resorts. You can just walk right onto their beach. I love that. Oh, that's sick.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. So you can't get like... Even if someone owns like a mansion on the beach, you cannot block off the beach and the water belong to the hawaiians what do resorts don't some resorts like sell the idea of like you privacy so what do they just have like their fenced off pool area and then beyond that is a public beach that you can go to if you want all the front facing towards the water on waikiki is one big chain of resorts but you pretty much can bar hop. There's one

place there that has a delicious burger that I'll eat, and then I'll go next door and I'll get Dole Whip, and then I'll go and you know... Is that another name for a handjob? No, dude. Dole Whip? You never had Dole Whip? I'm going to get a wishy-washy, I'm going to get a Dole Whip. I'm going to get a divorce.

Let me get a wishy-washy Dole Whip on the hop. No, I don't know what Dole whip is honolulu oh dole whip is uh is a delicious frozen treat made from uh the imperial overlords at dole oh they run that town right they just enslaved the entire state yeah i've read about that before yeah right you've heard about it i read about it no you read a headline on facebook about it once yeah listen i can read i'm vaxxed you saw a reel from an influencer wait what's a live leak video you know about live leak no i have link ian's back this will save us from this live leaks like nasty youtube what there's a nastier YouTube? Yeah. YouTube's not nasty at all.

No, it's not. You can't get anything worth getting on YouTube. Yeah, it's hard to wishy-washy on YouTube. Yeah, ever since they took down the tip drill video. Dude, that video? Oh, my God. Yeah, that was a big part of us growing up. You'd have to Men in Black me to take away the tip drill video.

I'll tell you that. There's no getting rid of that thing. You're like, oh, my deathbed. That's going to flash before my eyes. Those synapses are as old as any I have. I'd have to be diagnosed with a memory disorder to get rid of the tip drill video. You guys still talking about Honijuju? Yeah.

Honijuju beans, dude. We all agree Honolulu is the best pick, and we can end the draft. All right. Well, thank you for tuning in. Yeah. Honijuju beans, dude. We all agree Honolulu is the best pick, and we can end the draft. All right. Well, thank you for tuning in. Yeah. It's been an hour, so. I wouldn't mind wrapping it. Honolulu, dude.

Yeah. Fuck yeah. Great place. I just was in Kauai for like a week. Oh, yeah. Just put me in the ocean, man. I just want to be in the fucking ocean. Oh, yeah. I just float until I'm red like a toe.

It's bad. I love it so much. Whoops. I was in the ocean so long. I was like, is this bad for me? Like, is this amount of sodium going to make my blood pressure go up? Am I just like soaking like a pickle? I don't think so.

You got briny. But if you're a doctor, slide into Sean's DMs. But not the kind of doctor Sean's used to talking to. No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know what kind of doctor I'm used to talking to. Oh, anti-vax doctors. I'm just sticking with the bit. They talk at me.

It's hard to have a conversation with them. Yeah, you don't have to respond to them. I don't get any anti-vax doctors. It's just like a couple fools that want to go to the high plan show. Forget I said anything. Can we see your vax card, John? Yes. No.

I'm going to have to show it to get in. So I'm going to have to get one doctored up real quick. Marissa, cut that. Back on the doctor. Adam was telling me there was like a story on the internet about how somebody showed up i think it was to hawaii with a fake vax card for their seven-year-old daughter what the fuck are you doing you can't get it it's just it's like there was another one in hawaii who spelled it Moderna with an A like something Medea would say like Moderna.

That's so buck to I just man. There's some morons out there. Anyway, Sean sleepy. You're a sleepy boy. I'm not man. I'm really not. I'm fine, but I'm excited and awake. All right.

Okay. I thought you were sleeping for a second. No, I got a good amount i i get probably five hours of sleep a night which was about what i got before most of the time i don't know if i don't get 13 i'm a wreck don't have a kid i try not to i can handle the five i like and every now and again i'll take a nap or i'll get like a couple like a couple extra hours somewhere in there but I'm not like no I'm not tired I've got a whole apple in my mouth right now I'm still gonna make my bed

I've been having diarrhea there's apples on the ground all over Fort Collins and I keep trying to take nibbles because they look good and then boy do I get sick that is so that's the most Sam talent thing. They look so good. They look tasty.

You're fucking right. You eat it. You know what I got in trouble for? Why are you doing that to yourself? You just keep getting diarrhea. Because I thought it was like early in the season, so they were green. And I'm like, of course I can't have these. I learned a lesson.

But now they're looking red and juicy. Nope. Still poisonous. This feels like something that would happen to Huck Finn. Yeah. Well, I live a very colloquial lifestyle. Yeah. They're similar.

Speaking of apples, I used to get in trouble at work because when people would eat on the phone at call center jobs, I would always stop and it was my little way of like jabbing them. I could hear a meeting and I'd stop and I'd be like, did you want to finish eating before we continued our conversation? And I'd always say it like that. And it never didn't piss someone off and all the time i get brought into the office and they're like you uh you know

you understand that sounds condescending right and i go yeah yeah i sure do it is condescending like that's trying to be a dick about it yeah i hit the target dead on there i love doing it to people i loved it it was like one of the small little joys of a call center i love watching people eat it didn't even bother me that much honestly it was just the the fact that i could do it and it was something snarky i could say that they couldn't technically it's not like i was swearing at the person so i couldn't really get in trouble for it because i was nice about it but like i was a real big dick when i said it too so it was a moment's revenge yeah a little call center tip for you if you're out there fighting the fight i hope to never need those again boy man you don't know

yeah of course you do but i just yeah we were talking about it my group throughout the other day and i was just thinking about like having to do it again oh it'd be tough i'd do it i would but i don't want to we have, you have a dudder. You'd have to be able to do it. I have apple in my mouth again. You're like me on the streets. At least you bought that one and you didn't find it. I'm eating found fruit.

They're all over the ground. Yeah, but they're on the ground. Yeah, well, I've been on the ground. I have too. I have too. I have, too. Rolling around down there, it's fun. You got to ground yourself. Are you going to sing that song?

No, that's my song. Okay. I'll tell you what my first pick is going to be. Atlanta. Damn. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Yeah. Easy, easy.

One of the greats. I've only been, like, two or three times, but I fucking loved it every time I went. It's fantastic. I went to the Super Bowl in Atlanta, and that was really fun. That city knows how to throw a fucking party. Who sneezed on you? Didn't someone give you a cold? I caught a cold from T.I. the rapper.

From T.I. Whoa. Okay, like sneezed in your face or something. They have to fly you. If you're in the writer's guild and you're flying for work, they have to fly you when if you're in the riders guild and you're flying for work they have to fly you first class so i flew i would what am i doing here i would have flown first class anyway i'm doing well and i was very fat at the time and there's no way i wouldn't have been in first class but like i'm acting like i don't buy myself first class tickets what the fuck am i doing

i own a house everywhere i always fly first class i haven't not flown first class in almost a decade your books are arranged by color oh my god that's funny that is funny usually i sit on the wing but this was a special i like that you just stopped traffic and you were like what am i talking about let me let me be an ice cream truck at your engagement party at a backyard party and it wasn't stolen oh my god that's tight uh yeah atlanta it's just a fucking it's just it's just an amazing place this is my fiance stealing she's stealing stamps what's up she's stealing stamps what's up d rock she says this is my office d money they use stamps as currency in prison that's right well that's where she's going for fucking sneaking into the office lock her up don't let her steal your

chocolate milk and cigarettes they also use those for currency. All right. I won't. Atlanta. Great pick. Thank you very much. I've only been to Atlanta for real one time and it was fantastic. It was my buddy's wedding. Such a fun trip.

Oh yeah. I caught a cold from TI. We, I was sitting next to him on the flight and he was like sniffling and sneezing. And, uh, and then once I got to Atlanta, I had a cold like two days later and I was like, I got a fucking cold from TI.

You got the trap flu. Which is pretty cool. Trap flu? You got that buck head. Yeah, I got that buck head bounce, dude. Yeah. Also, shout out to Claremont, right? If we're just talking about stuff there.

Let's go. Oh, man. That place is good. Finally, a strip club for guys like me. It's perfect. Pick an apple up off the ground, bring it into the strip club, and have a good night. Yeah, dude. Feed it to them like a horse.

Claremont Lounge is great. That place is so fun. For those people who don't know, explain the Claremont Lounge. It is a strip club that highlights women in their golden years. Yes, it is. Oh, is that what it is? I had no idea it's like a retirement home for big booty ladies yeah i just thought it was a real buck it's like that no it's it's for old ladies it's going down for real yeah yeah when you're in there i had no idea like you don't even know if you want the lap dance that's

how cool it is in there that place is crazy yeah it's like where are you gonna park your walker as you throw it down on me yeah they got they're wearing like lights on stuff that shouldn't have lights on it like oh you're gonna light that up okay diabetes hosiery yeah light up diabetes hosiery they have an amazing aquarium yeah there too it's a city yeah little five points is awesome little five points is a great neighborhood it's just got a it's just fucking it's got everything going for it atlanta it's awesome fish fries yeah that place is great dude star bar on monday what a great place to do comedy and black what a great place yes yeah atlanta's a good one atlanta georgia time for my next pick i'm gonna take another place that i've been very drunk i'm taking boston massachusetts great my shit is fuck it i've

only been to boston the one time and boy did i have fun yeah that was like the first day of real tour because we had done seattle and san francisco but boston was the first day of like 12 days the the only real tour i've ever been on in my whole life and that was man man david and i've been twice because we also had to drive to boston so we could fly to minneapolis oh the new york flights got all fucked up right because of the storm i am eternally grateful that you did that because then i got to meet slug and up right because of the storm i am eternally grateful that you did that because then i got to meet slug and we got to do the show i was you don't know how how well yeah of course yeah we left new york at like five in the morning right i was so worried that we weren't going to be able to do it uh because when ian's like i don't think

we can make it i almost started crying because i was like of course it's not your fault but i was i just in my mind this whole scenario of me getting to hang out with my hero and like do a show and everything just like went crumbling to the ground and then ian's like we're getting a car we're doing it i made it dude i was so massive storm was rolling into new york and shut down all the airports in that area it was like a lightning storm so we had we had one but but one choice to beat the storm get in a rental car 5 a.m renting a car in new york city proper feels wrong by the way it feels like you shouldn't be allowed to do it it felt so sketchy like they were like all right and they like went in and they were gone for 15 minutes uh-huh yeah and then they and then they had like those car elevators yeah where where

they keep them and then they just show it's like an enterprise rent-a-car that looks like a dollar pizza slice place you go like you go in there and then they send you up an elevator into a parking garage and you're like okay i'm definitely taking like the car of somebody who just works in this building like it was that vibe also that trip ian had the illest hotel that was so scary to me it was it was all glass it was all glass except for the door that you walk into and the rest you could just see out into the city and i'm not great on heights who was hard to sleep in there that's a fun night it was fun to watch the storm from that room that was also a fun realization realizing that like uh across the country we can do well with this show. Seattle and San Francisco feel like they're close to Portland or LA,

where we're at. And then going all the way across the country and being like, I know, but you know what I'm saying. It was so sick to go to a completely different part of the country and just be like, oh, buck.

There's a grip of people here too. That was where our Lyft driver wouldn't put his fucking seat belt on you guys remember that oh yeah sam he picked us up did not put his seat belt on it was beeping every probably 30 seconds the whole time and he was just talking he wasn't he was just chilling i'm like dog put i was crazy from boston too yeah you remember that there are old uh lift driver on the way to the airport that said wicked cheap and i just i was like no way people really do it he was like 60 it was just a beautiful

it was just a beautiful city too it was a beautiful very walkable city i love anywhere where you can walk around and like look up and see like oh this is history this is like an amazing place to be we're not going to talk about the real major W of the night? I had a big W that night. I had a big W. And then there's Harvard is like in town, which is fucking amazing. Harvard's there. Harvard is in town, which is real fun. It's like the Harvard of the East Coast. Yeah, yeah.

Harvard of Mass. The University of Denver of the Eastern Seaboard. Yeah, I've heard that. Yeah. I got to go spit on malloy's childhood home so that was that's right yeah he's from marion it's true he's not from boston i don't know like if you live in boston come to me october 1st and 2nd at the hideout right there in faneuil hall there he goes there he goes plug in your home uh those are my two right yeah boston just shout out to boston i can't wait to come back there great sneaker store there bodega it's just fucking us or concepts too just like an

amazing an amazing city on so many different levels amazing people are from there mike mulloy sam jay just fucking shout out to boston good skate history pj ladd from boston pj ladd's wonderful horrible life yeah what a slammer that was so good yeah it is it still is one of the best video parts there's ever been i think yep i call that a real slap daddy is that another name for hj yeah keep giving your handjob nicknames. Wave runner, slap daddy, dole principal, whatever you're calling them. Dole principal. Dole principal. Oh, man. All right.

Time for Sam's next pick. I got to say, guys, my top five are off the board. I think we're doing a great job. No, we're in the muck now. Everybody's top five are gone. Well, there's still some bangers out there, and I'm going to leave a couple on the board that might go higher in other people's drafts, but I got to give a big old shout out to St. Paul, everyone.

St. Paul, Minnesota. That's a good one. I thought I could get it. Pluck right off of Sean's tree. I'm kind of grandfathered into getting Minneapolis with it. I know you're separate entities, and I know that there's a divisive sectarianism there. They're connected. They touch each other.

They're the same. I'm just saying. They're connected. They touch each other. They're the same. I'm just saying. Always had fun. Never been let down by the great city of St. Paul. And hey, if you like comedy and you live near St. Paul, you come out. This is why you wanted to draft Capital Cities.

October 16th and 17th right there at Sisyphus Brewing. Come on out and see me. Is that where we did our show? It sure is. Shout out to Sisyphus Brewing. Come on out and see me. Is that where we did our show? That's right. It sure is. Oh, ho, ho. Yeah, shout out to Sisyphus Brewing.

Sisyphus. Here's the thing I like about St. Paul. No matter what time of the year you're there, unless it's the summer when they're all kayaking, so I guess it's not whenever you're there. Unless it's the quarter of the year. Yeah, if there's feet of snow on the ground, they will still come see the show.

They're not stopped by the elements, and I respect that. Also, they love getting tore up on grain belt beer. Are you talking about St. Paul or Minneapolis? I'm talking about Minnesota in general and most of Wisconsin. Grain belt's good, man. Grain belt's kind of tangy. I like a grain belt. Oh, it's sweet, man.

It tastes like a kid's wine, you know, like that apple juice you get to drink when you're a kid uh-huh oh it's the closest to like a cider you're gonna get that's still a beer it's like like a high life or corona but even tangier where you're like oh all right okay yeah it just tastes like white grape juice that someone left on the dashboard like a montucky cold snack yeah man i've absolutely minneapolis my favorite city st paul st paul's all right but what's the divide is it is it a completely a more like is it completely it's very different like yeah what's what's the difference it's just way calmer way more laid back way cheaper i think it's just st paul feels real like minnesota too like if you

go to minneapolis and you've never been, you have an idea of Minnesota, Minneapolis is not going to fit your idea. St. Paul would fit your idea. You'd be like, oh, it's quaint. It's like a mild downtown. Like, Minneapolis is a big-ass, buck-narly city. St. Paul is calm and chill.

I don't know. It just feels mellower. St. Paul is who you bring home to mama. Minneapolis is who you, you know, take in the back of your limo and buy a bathing suit. Yeah. Yeah. Minneapolis is Paul Abdul. St. Paul Abdul.

St. Paul is straight up now tell me. John Jordan, time for your second pick. Second pick, I'm going where I've had, because now it's just going to be like where have i had a bunch of fun and this place is where i have a bunch of fun all the time madison wisconsin yep i love you i love a madison and i've a couple things for madison good skate history again like dave mayhew, Aaron Snyder, like that whole crew. Dave Mayhew still has a skate shop there. There's a skate park that's like sort of close to downtown. Truth be told, I don't bring my board and skate when I'm there.

I will next time now that I'm skating a bunch again. But the downtown is amazing. The food is really good. They have a lot of good food downtown that's not like you. Come on. The Ian's Pizza is fantastic. That pizza place is good. It's not a lot of good food downtown that's not like you come on the ian's pizza is fantastic that pizza place is good it's not a lot of that italian place we went to that was dope yeah there is there's that it's there's hr teddy wedgers isn't that isn't teddy wedgers there yeah

that's a hand job that's that's they got a teddy wedger how much for a teddy wedger ten dollars they got that coffee shop right next to the hotel that's got like coffee shop is dope i love that coffee it's a great college town it is an italian place it's unremarkable it's good it's good but it's like there we go it's you know it was sean's first time eating spaghetti inside so you know i usually eat it outside of someone's house in the flatbed of a truck i love a college town i will say that i love walking around a college campus i think there's like a deep-rooted thing in me because i never went to college the right way and i didn't graduate that i always enjoy walking around campus you just gotta write a book yeah i can't read david i can't can't write if i can't read what are we doing

it's fair also they have those two lakes right downtown in madison that you can ride your bike around mendota and mendota mendota and mendona something like that i got one of them right i've just had really good memories shane recorded his album there that was fun ian you and i were there a couple times oh yeah did he record his album at comedy club on state yeah yeah because i'll be there november 6th 7th and 8th come on out see me oh speaking of comedy albums getting recorded at comedy on state probably next year hey david no one cares this is my game this is how i win now i i just uh yeah i enjoy i enjoy madison i i like i like winter i say that as somebody who doesn't live with a solid winter anymore but i have fond memories of like a winter and they you have the seasons your grandfather didn't say you love

winter yeah well it's like i don't for real but i do like the seasons and like a defined winter spring summer fall and i feel like madison is very pretty at all those times I don't for real, but I do like the seasons and a defined winter, spring, summer, fall. And I feel like Madison is very pretty at all those times. I was there in the winter. I don't know if it was the last time I was there. It's tough. God, it was awful. It was awful because I went out with Nate Craig and we got drunk and the bouncer broke my phone.

And then I had to go to the mall and try to replace my phone nate's a wisconsin boy too he'll take you to the cuts not hanging out with him in wisconsin anymore isn't there that bar in madison that's christmas 24 7 i think yeah that's an appleton appleton we went to a bar shane and i where it was like i swear i swear everything was a dollar it was something like crazy like that where i think i got around for like 10 people and it was it was 10 something something crazy where i was just like no way you can't be there's no way you make money but they were like yeah we yeah we do the best thing about madison is the people they're like people in madison wisconsin especially the comedy crowds and everything are just fucking amazing that place is amazing i really like it there i can't wait to go back there one

day i just emailed them they uh have have yet to return it so everybody tweet at him david boy time for your second and third picks it's getting down there second point like jesus it's a lot of trash holes out here i didn't make my list big enough yeah me either dude i had to put three on the bottom then i'm like if i have to i have three extras i guess i'm going with nashville man yep nashville rules every time always have a fun time best biscuits i've ever had east nashville is great if you want to get loud and just like waste it and scream at a stranger in a country music bar nashville man i've never been to nashville i want to go oh man it is a like that's a great place to just go out at night and get rip roaring drunk they would love you

ian that city would open its arms to you it's i think it's a very carmel place man oh yeah great food culture very sincere people yeah oh the owl came out of him on that one yeah man you gotta hit it up a bachelorette party everywhere you look oh yeah it's like the bachelorette back uh party capital of america it seems like that's right shitty as that sounds like it would be yeah that's like fun yeah it's just every they're having a great time out there man it's a great place to see me september 21st at the east room wow what a fucking it's gonna be a vibrant next uh couple of months for you i'm out there man the cat's out of the bag and its claws have grown back. Yeah. You are an author.

I'm just trying to get my t-shirts to move. That's what made you think that. All these terms for hand jobs he's got. His claws have grown back and you're like, I love your prose. There's a type of hot chicken, and this might just be a lie that I was told, but there's a kind of hot chicken in nashville that white people are not allowed to order i believe that yeah that it's so spicy that they won't allow me near it even though i keep saying i'm with the movement yeah you know you know i keep trying to fit in you definitely you definitely do say that they do say it yeah

you were saying that on the boat like crazy. Yeah, that was. That's with the motion of the ocean. That's a different thing. Dude, David, remember when Eileen was in the water and we just looked over and she was like 50 yards away from the boat? Oh, yeah. He doesn't know what's going on.

That's the scariest shit. Man, that blind chick can party, dude. She's so much fun. God, she's the best. Are you serious? Are you serious? She's blind as hell. Man, that blind chick can party, dude. She's so much fun. God, she's the best. Are you serious? She's blind as hell. She fucking rules. And she's 50 yards from the boat?

Yeah. We're just like, where's Eileen? And she's like, oh, God. She was on Mushroom. She yelled, I wish you could see what I can see. Oh, man. She was doing that double slap it dance. Oh, man. Yeah. Eileen's great,ileen's great dude just that blind lady wants to party yeah nashville dude tight that's fun and your third pick david

oh god i get everybody who lives in capital city we're like at the point of the podcast it's buying dinner at an airport late yeah we're like god damn i'm gonna go somewhere where i have had a good time traditionally even though everybody hates it i always have a good time at that club i've opened yeah i know where you're going i'm gonna take phoenix man oh okay okay yeah yeah someone had to take it phoenix like Phoenix. Yeah, it's fun. Everywhere's AC. Shout out to Aaron Edwards.

Yeah, shout out to Aaron. Shout out to my man, Pauly Casillas out there, too, man. Oh, shout out to Pauly Casillas for sure. Pauly, tight opening for me in Tucson. Yeah, Phoenix is fun, man. Yeah, Phoenix is- I've had a lot of fun in Phoenix, for sure. They have tons of skate parks.

I had a great time there last time I was there. It's a great place to be for 30 hours. Correct. Yeah. I did see a fender bender where the guy who was in the back, who hit the car in front of him, got out and he had a pistol strapped to his waist. Yeah, but you could see that in any of these cities.

There's a lot of places, but I was just like, oh man, I'm just so glad I don't live somewhere where that's like... I think Phoenix is high on the probability of that happening compared to these other cities for sure it'd just be a tense situation asking for insurance cards i mean that could happen in la but like you it's open carry you can just pack a pistol on your waist like that yeah yeah in la it's in la i wouldn't expect somebody intending on using it they would just have it more for like if i need to to use it, I'm going to. In Phoenix, it feels like somebody...

You might have a Roscoe in the glove compartment. Yeah, I'm saying. Phoenix was not in my top 20. That shit happens in Denver too, though. Adam and Fred have stories about that shit. Like seeing bikers just drive by with guns on their hip all the time. Phoenix is so sweaty, man. I like a city where you can be outside walking around

getting the beat of the street beneath your feet you can't do that in phoenix you're in the hotel all day no you just melt you just melt from room to room that's why you end up staying at that place that club where they do live karaoke after the show and give you free drinks yes live band karaoke oh that sounds great i saw a guy i got saw a guy head to toe eagles wear like eagles pajama pants eagles everything and we were all like this guy is a fucking loser and then he did queen with the live band and he was a ringer it was amazing wow yeah that bar is amazing it's worth the 15 beers no if you do the show that you drink for free there. Is that stand-up live? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, man.

Shout out to Phoenix. Yeah, shout out to Phoenix. And it, yeah, it's just, yeah, it's good. It's good over there. That means David had a romantic rendezvous is what he was just alluding to right there. It does not mean that. Yes, it does. It does not mean that.

Yeah, good night, Phoenix. It means I like that city. I can read your face. The Phoenix rose. I like that city. And it was not a rose. I had. It was a rose. It was a cactus. It was a dandelion at best.

I made a wish. I wish for you to get me out of here. I wish you're not pregnant. I went to a show in Tempe. And then I missed the train back from Tempe to Phoenix. So I was waiting at the train station. It was outside. And it was like at the train station. It was outside and it was like an hour till the next train or something. And a kid walked up with a giant rock

in his hand, not a kid. He was probably 20, walked up with a giant rock in his hand, look real sketchy. And he was standing behind me. And I was like, what, uh, what's up dude? It's just me and him. It's like midnight. And he's like, Oh, just chilling. And he's holding the rock. And he's like, I collect these by the way, I'm not going gonna like rob you or anything i was like okay and i and i just started calmly walking away down these train tracks dark tracks and i walked from tempe to phoenix it took me like four hours it was insane yeah it was it was nuts because i just this kid was clearly gonna rock hit me with that rocket that's exactly right you're like a he was he was 20 i was probably 25 at the time uh it was it was a bummer and then i got in the kit this was tight i got in the cab devil's advocate why

would he tell you he was gonna hit you with it he seemed like if there may have been some drugs involved he didn't tell me he was gonna hit me with it he goes i collect these i'm not gonna hit you with it or anything that's what what he said. That just wasn't true. He was going to rob. Don't you think if he was going to rob you, he would have just walked up and robbed you? I think he was kind of tweaking. I think he was like toying with the idea. Like he didn't really want to do it yet, but I think he would have landed on it if I would

have stuck around any longer. I think he would have. So you, so you hightailed it. So I just started walking and then I had to take a cab to the airport and this guy tried to steal the cab from me. He hops in. He's like, I called the cab. And it was like a rich guy.

He looked like he had a suit on. Shit, that's rich to me. And I was like, well, can we just split it? I got to go. And he was really pissed about it. And then we got to the airport. And they only took cash. The only time I've got to do this.

They only took cash. And I had a $100 bill. It was an $80 cab ride. So I handed it to the driver. And I was like, keep the change. And I just got out looking at the guy who wanted to steal the cab from me baller shit dude you really stuck it to him paying for his cab ride and fuck you sam he probably tells a different story yeah this mark paid money i tell you stay in suits.

Phoenix, Arizona, all the way to Tacoma. Sean Jordan, time for your next pick. Well, I'm going to go where I've had probably the most fun I've ever had at a live show and pick Columbus, Ohio. Oh, yes, indeed. Not bad. Yeah. We, that's still, I don't know. It was just like things worked out perfectly that night

even though it seemed like they weren't going to it was just perfect it was such a such a crazy thing we moved i've never seen i didn't i don't know i've just never seen that happen for real like move the whole show out to the parking lot and have everybody be so down with it to anyone who doesn't know the the story sean's talking about we did when we went on tour yeah we did a show in columbus ohio and the power went out five minutes into the show and we just moved the whole thing outside and did it like it was like a lincoln douglas presidential debate where we just like stood to a gather group of people the we bought all the beers that the bar had people pulled alcohol out of their trunks we moved all the chairs outside which it was fucking amazing like they just had that like booze in their trunk some dude i remember

threw a beer from the i was like i get a just someone give me beer and this dude threw a beer over 300 people probably and i caught it but i was just like do not that was dope but do not make that a habit for the night like we can't we can't be throwing full cans of beer in the dark. It was so hot, David and I had to go lay in the walk-in after the show was over. I got a picture of me and you. It's a hot boys picture and it's me and you with our shirt off in the cooler. Best green room of the tour, by the way.

Oh my god, that guy hit me up the other day. Shout out to him. I don't remember if I hit you back. There was such good food. And then nothing else about Columbus that I remember except an anti-abortion billboard across from our hotel. That was shocking.

Yeah. So it's tough picking that as one of my favorite cities. I had my first Passover dinner in Columbus. It was excellent. Beautiful. Downtown Columbus. I love ritual. I love a meal. I'm a huge fan. It was a mitzvah. That's a good deed. No. I love a meal. I'm a huge fan. It was a mitzvah. That's a good deed.

No. Yes. It is. Mitzvah is a good deed. Nice. I know. See what's up. I met a Jewish man when I was 28 and I haven't looked back since.

Yeah. Well, we went downtown a little bit and it was fun. It was super like, you remember, because right as the show got done, our last person that we said at the meet and greet all the lights came back on and then we went back in that bar and it was like oh perfect we went to a different bar yeah then we went like downtown it was i just had a really really good time good taste in my mouth from columbus the botanical gardens in columbus otherworldly i hear the zoo is next level as well uh it's either Columbus or Toledo where they do live feedings. It's the only live feeding zoo in America.

Whoa. I think it's Toledo. What's a live... Wait, what are you talking about? You bring an animal and they'll feed it to the hippo. Anything. You bring anything.

Another term for a handjob, a live feeding? You're just all over the place. That would be a different act. Yeah, Columbus. But yeah, they'll feed like a stillborn gazelle to a lion holy buckets that sounds you gotta watch them tear it apart very primal i don't need that

maybe that's exactly what you need yeah i hope i hope it's not i hope i don't exactly what you need you need to shake things up no i don't exactly what you need you need to try something different calming down i've been calming down for years i need to shake things up. No, I don't. That's exactly what you need. You need to try something different. I'm on a good path of calming down. I've been calming down for years. I need to keep it going. No, you need to see a live feeding or go hunt a human being on a private island. Dude, you need to see two hippos eat a fucking whale.

Yeah. You need to see some weird shit, dude. I'd watch that. I could watch that. Yeah. I saw two turtles having sex one time. It was the hardest I've ever laughed in my whole life zach tuscani was there we had to remove ourselves from you guys sent me a video of how hard you were laughing that's how hard they were laughing

it was i called laura because i figured she's so serious that she would calm me down and i she picked up the phone and i had to hang up on her because i couldn't say a word i had to leave because i almost peed my pants i i it was i felt like such a lunatic because there were kids around and they were looking zach and i were doing that laugh where you're like holding on to each other like i could feel his claws in my back and i was just it was very fun you touched god yeah it was good i love that uh sam time for your third pick easy peasy santa fe new mexico oh really oh yeah the aspen of the desert gotta love it down there the topaz kid he took it oh yeah dude right below wagon mound where my people are from

it's not albuquerque albuquerque sucks albuquerque is so scary and santa fe albuquerque seems i don't think i've ever been maybe driven through but it seems like it would i'd be on edge the whole time that's the place it feels like you could get shot oh dude central avenue after 10 on a weekend it's just gang units on every block that used to have a bit about it this guy came up to me and was like you got a fucking problem because we made eye contact and instead of saying any words i just went uh-uh and then he left me alone because i think he thought i was like you know uh special needs yeah yeah but uh albuquerque there's a fucking uh tax break if you're a prize fighter if you're training mma in albuquerque you get a tax break if you're a prize fighter. If you're training MMA in Albuquerque, you get a tax break.

What? Yeah. Very scary place. They're courting prize fighters? No municipality should be courting prize fighters. Oh, yeah. It's legislated in, man. That's how they make a lot of their money.

It's another mile-high city, just like Denver. So people go there to train. But Santa Fe, not Albuquerque. Santa Fe, a nice place to spend a weekend in the adobe. It's hot outside. It's cool inside. Love it, man. Can't say enough nice stuff.

What's a weekend in Santa Fe like? I know nothing about it. Artist community too, right? Yeah, yeah. Get there Friday. Do the first Friday art walk. Walk around. See a lot of old white ladies uh using native american words unironically um you know

have a nice meal at one of the vibrant restaurants down there uh maybe on saturday you wake up you go to meow wolf which is the most interactive art exhibit in all of the country very creepy very trippy and then uh if you want to maybe take a little drive up to Taos Pueblo, the oldest city in America. Take that, St. Augustine. Suck my kiss. Or drive out to Ojo Diablo, Eye of the Devil, and get in one of the five different mud baths. Great place to be.

I'm just realizing that you're on Wikipedia. I thought this was all off the top of the devil. No, it is, dude. I spent a lot of time in San Jose and Taos. Yeah, it's all off the top, brother. I've been out there. Oh, yeah. Go to an isotopes game if you, brother. I've been out there. Oh, yeah. Go to an Isotopes game if you want to.

I don't think they're actually around anymore, and they're also in Albuquerque. But yeah, Santa Fe, left on, underrated gem. Beautiful. Except for my third pick. Yeah, seriously. I'm not going to be able to speak as eloquently about my third pick. I've been there a few times, though, as I dated a woman

of this fertile land for a while who lived there. Oh, interesting choice. I'm going there. I love it. Because I only want to take places I've been, and I'm going to take Boise, Idaho. Boise. I love it there. Boise.

Good call. I really enjoyed Boise. The comedy club there is really fun. The crowds are really fun. Oh, I don't know if it's really. No, it's pretty fun, right? The comedy club there. It's pretty fun.

Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty fun right the comedy club yeah yeah it's pretty fun and you were just like it's this the area boise itself is kind of like tan and drab downtown is cool there's some cool stuff downtown but once you get out of downtown a little bit it's beautiful it is nature's bounty idaho is fucking gorgeous amazing lakes hot springs you can get up in the woods it's really easy to like feel like you're disconnected from the city pretty quick uh i just and i just really enjoyed it it's kind of a beautiful place boise's not a flashy pick but this is like when you get an offensive lineman in the fifth round you get a guard and then he plays for your team for 12 years boise is a perennial powerhouse it's a cheap cheap pick you know you got for like your team for 12 years. Boise is a perennial powerhouse. It's a cheap, cheap pick.

You know, you got it for like 6 million for 10 years. Great pick. Love Boise. Three Pro Bowls, one All-Pro, but like plays 16 games a season. Great. Plays his heart out for you. Never asked anything in return except the original 6 million that you agreed on. That's right.

Has like 120 game play streak. He's like Bruce Matthews. That's Boise. That's exactly right. It's that kind of city. Yeah. I's like bruce matthews that's boise that's exactly right it's that kind of city uh yeah i just like i just really enjoyed boise i i never really i'd never been in a hot spring until there getting a fucking hot spring by the way i'd never in oregon has hot springs but i just never been in one fucking got in a hot spring yeah but they're so far away that's thing you go to like bybee or whatever. Is that what it is? It's like two hours out of the city.

It's hard to get to. I don't know. They're easier to get to in Boise, right? You got to schlep. Yeah, you got to schlep for sure. I love that. I look forward to going back one day. Really enjoy Boise.

For my fourth pick, I have to call in a ringer. I got to call in a ringer. Hold on one second. Eddie's coming. What if it's Pete Maravich? David, will you come make this pick? D-Money. All right.

What if it's T.I.? Is it Rihanna? Is it Rihanna? Is it Rihanna? Do we get some people? Do we get some people? I only wanted to pick places I've been, and I have not been to this next place,

but I'm going to take it i'm going to take i'm going to let brown university's own dana schwartz author writer podcaster listen to noble blood explain to you why providence rhode island is an amazing state capital down providence thank you so much debone what's up congratulations i'm so bummed i couldn't make the party i'm you're awesome it's fun to see you. My name is Sam. You congratulated us so many times. Thank you. It's going to keep happening for the rest of your life.

Thank you very much for this guest pick. Providence is like genuinely a really, really great city. I remember when I was like a junior looking at junior in high school, looking at colleges, my dad and I took a road trip like all up and down the East Coast. And when we got to Providence and got to like the campus that brown is on it's on like a hill i was just like immediately like oh this is where i have to go to school it's like exactly what you want in like an old new england town there's like areas where it's like little cobblestone streets that go into weird corners and like red brick buildings that were built in the 1600s

and like really green grass and like cool like up-and-coming restaurants and like old like weird bougie like lemonade and and chocolate milk that they say has been there for like a hundred years it's like very fun and quaint and cute and then down the hill in the city it used to be downtown providence it used to be like a full-on shit show like it used to be really disgusting with like full-on mobsters and uh taxi drivers all with peter griffin accents from family guy absolutely um we had a mayor that went to jail and then was found guilty went to jail and then got out of jail and was elected mayor again. Buddy's hand scene. And then he started a pasta sauce.

He has a pasta sauce company, which is like Buddy's, in all the grocery stores, which is a very Providence thing. It's just like a really weird city, but it has everything. It has like a ton of college kids, so there's young people there. Like I said, a lot of old people who sound like Peter Griffin. Is that where RISD is?

RISD is right there. Rhode Island School of Design. You also have Johnson and Wales, which is like a food and hospitality school. So a lot of kids doing fancy cooking. A big carpeted mall with an IMAX. That was also a mob type thing, right? Also a mob thing, because only a mobster would hire someone. You've definitely piqued my interest now.

A carpeted mall, you say? Only a mobster would hire someone. You've definitely piqued my interest now. A carpeted mall, you say? Only a mobster would hire, I think it was like a brother-in-law or like son-in-law who had a carpeting company. And they're like, carpet this entire mall that's like three square city blocks. The whole mall. Yeah. This whole mall is carpeted.

Yeah, and there's, so it's like, Providence is great. So you can see a movie in imax and then go to cheesecake factory or pf chang's and then there's uh the dunk the dunkin donut center which is pretty fun and then you have a little italy with like really great italian restaurants and also some restaurants ever they put clams on the pizza there clams on the pizza you can like walk and there's like the fancy italian restaurants where you go with your parents and they're paying, and then the less fancy Italian restaurants,

which have framed posters of the godfather. I gotta say, this was my 19th pick. Providence rates high for me. They gave us also the great band Lightning Bolt, and John Dwyer was there. Best DIY punk music in the country in the last 15 years. Providence, good for you. I will say everyone

should get adele's lemonade and drink a coffee milk and go check out providence rhode island oh coffee milk coffee milk oh my god i told you weird providence things right and what are you going to take augusta main no way boston's off the board you need a new england city providence is excellent good to see you d you can cut that if i went too long you didn't go too long at all we go six hours dana schwartz everybody man that how endearing she thought that was too long um i just picture providence like a bunch of people just staring towards boston whatever direction that is. Just being like, eventually. No, Providence. Did we get to drive through there?

I forget. No. No. No. Okay. We drove through a different one. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we did.

In Delaware. Providence, that's my fourth pick. Man. Sam, time for your fourth pick. Okay. Hey, great pick. Soon to be. Are you guys, is she going to change her last name?

She is. Dana Carmel. That's huge. Congratulations, Ian. I'm happy for last name? She is. Dana Carmel. That's huge. Congratulations, Ian. I'm happy for you both. Thank you. Let's see. I'm going to go with a real Dirty Muppet on this one. Oh, man. This one's just more about the memories that I've had.

A real Dirty Muppet? Yeah, this one stinks and I love it. I'm going to go way down south, right there in the boot. Baton Rouge, Red Stick, give me your energy. I love Baton Rouge. Right there in the boot. Oh, yeah, that place is the stinky heel in the boot that is Louisiana. I always thought it was Alexandria for some reason,

but it turns out it's Baton Rouge, unless the Encyclopedia Britannica is wrong, in which case there's egg on my face. About the capital? Yeah, yeah. It's Baton Rouge. Okay, yeah. It's called Red Stick. I don't know why. LSU Tigers football, Bayou Bengals. Oh, man.

I was just there. I love it. I'm charmed. We got big support at Louisiana State University. I believe it. Oh, yeah. We got offensive line coaches. Listen to the All Fantasy everything. Excellent. Look at the dude's name. Hold on.

We got a bunch of merch. Oh, yeah. You said it was a bunch of LSU merch. New Garden. Great place to do comedy down there. Derek Panamsky. Oh, yeah. Shout out Derek Panamsky.

Special assistant to head coach Ed Orgeron. So rad. Hey, man. Let's get those offensive linemen chopping their feet, Peranski. All right? Bowman wins. Keep that hat down. Also have some money on the Bayou Bengals. Let's hope that they can play the game in Houston this

weekend to Mass Effect. But yeah, great place. What's the vibe in Baton Rouge? I've never been. I've only been to New Orleans. I don't know. It's just people who are happy they don't live in New Orleans, you know? Yeah. i don't know it's just people who are happy they don't live in new orleans you know yeah it's uh i don't know i imagine it's what's fun to say yeah and they got that sausage that has uh they have boudin sausage that has rice in it and it's made yeah that has blood or it has liver it has like chicken hearts oh they use every part of the buffalo i love it and they And they talk funny. It's great.

It's French. It's like a little French section of America. It's American Quebec in the deep South. Yeah. Oh, good spot. Lake Charles is on one side. You got new Orleans on the other side.

It's right there. The belly button on the great Gulf coast. Way to go. Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge. I mean, we're, we're in the, we're in the fourth round of a state capitals draft,

so we don't need to say a lot about this. Sean Jordan, time for your fourth pick. I've had a bunch of fun here. When we graduated high school, we took our version of a senior trip. We went on a road trip from Sioux Falls to here. It's where a bunch of my friends are from. I'm lake city utah slc loved it we we went there and just skating i mean none of this is going to attract like your general population i guess but our buddies had an a-frame house like just outside of town and we just skated for like 10 days straight and it was super fun

a one andy pitt Pitts is from Salt Lake City. Shut up. And it, yeah. I don't know. It's just a rad place. I've always had a really good time there. I've been there a ton. I went to the comedy club actually like, I don't know, a couple years ago.

That was fun. I just, I really like it. I hear it's great. You bringing up your skateboard friends. I just want to say I am very excited to see Adam Norroth. And I love him. And I can't wait to see him. But I'm making him wait until this deep.

I might cry. I honestly might cry when I see him. I haven't seen him since. I got a big hug for that, dude. What was I going to say? Salt Lake. Wise guys? What was I going to say about Salt Lake City?

Incredibly clean, beautiful architecture. Very clean. Nice people. Oh, yeah. You can get outside. There's really fun things to do just outside the city. Like all the desert and just the fun. I don don't know there's just a fun place to be the a4 microphone at daner schwartz was just recently in slc for like a girl's trip with their friends because they like they're the nerds and they like to go see they're like

that's cool architecture and they like said they had a lot of fun and there was like great like outdoor eating situations and all that and the latter-day saints museums are kind of fun and bonkers she said she had a great time skate parks everywhere we skated them we were skating outside the mormon temple and didn't realize it and they because we just thought it was like a place downtown that looked like a nice looking place and they came out and were like very very very very much more aggressive than like a normal person kicking you out and then we found out it was the like the mormon temple like the place and so we're like oh yeah well i get i get yeah they were what's that weird skateboarder like ragdoll is that his name yeah he's from

isn't he from salt lake no i god i think he's i think he's from reno or vegas salt lake city there's a dude lizard king i was. I was thinking of Lizard King. Lizard's from Salt Lake City. Tyson Bowerbank is another really good pro from Salt Lake. Lizard King saw me do comedy. He was one of 12 people in a crowd when I was there one time. Yeah, it was cool. That's awesome, dude.

I had a guy in Portland, David Gravett, a pro skater. This is just a tangent, but he came up after a show and I was all nervous. He's like, hey man, you want to go smoke a joint and i went into like a three minutes probably as to why i don't smoke weed and here's and he's like all right and then he just walked away i was like man i could have just gone and taken a hit with this dude and and just dealt with it or just gone and talked to him and not taking a hit i've smoked weed before it's not like i can't do it fake inhale do that thing when you put it in your mouth and your cheeks get all big you look like a drawing of the moon that's a good way to do it when not and then you're like

yeah yeah you know it's like people don't realize this but you can tell if you inhaled it or not from the way the smoke looks when it comes out it's so funny when people do that it's it's thick smoke coming out and i'm like you don't have to lie i mean it's like you're you're trying to trick people who smoke weed 24 7 too it's yeah it's such a dumb move yeah anyway i'm man so like i've had a good time there oh yeah slc slc punk fun movie matt lillard not the lord david time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is you look like you're gonna puke it's so funny it's just like none of these cities i like very much yeah i don't know bad i didn't realize it till we like did this and you had to air it all out

but you're like yeah yeah it's never the it's not like san francisco or portland or anything i guess i'll take a lawless land uh a place i don't know much about but two goons roll through there and they let me go uh chapter pearson buddy man i going to have to take Little Rock. We got some guys down there who are real fucking animals. Dude, I've seen one of these guys drink 45 beers in six hours. What? Yeah. And I think he shotgunned 13 of them in an hour.

Yeah, it's like. Shout out Death Metal Dicks. They're dangerous people. Yeah, man. Those dudes are fucking wild boys. Metal Dicks. They're dangerous people. Yeah, man. Those dudes are a fucking wild boy. They lift weights. They practice karate. They crack meters, dude.

They sound like the bad guys from Point Break. They are the bad guys from Point Break. Imagine Bebop and Rocksteady before the mutagen got them. But also one works with disadvantaged kids. Yeah, yeah. And the other one works 80 hours a week starting his own restaurant good yeah a lot of integrity a lot of integrity fucking animals hey man if you want to if i'm going back in october oh shit yeah let's wait some

shotgun beers who am i to say don't do it just you know be a good person but that doesn't make you a bad person no you're right me and bori went to pick them up for like a 72 hour period uh and i thought it was just chris pierce and then his best friend we were like oh cool chris pierce we can handle this yeah and then out from behind him at the airport steps buddy lloyd and i was like oh no that's what we said oh fuck buddy's here yeah it was like all hands on deck, like code red. They're both in the state. Like, we should call the police. Shit, we're going to have to wrestle.

Yeah. If there's two of them, you're going to have to wrestle. Oh, and we did in a pool, and I got COVID. Yeah. You're just like, they think we're on vacation, but now I'm not on vacation. Their vacation is different than our vacation. Yeah. Because, yeah. Vino's in Little Rock, little rock great place yeah that's a fun gig that that's where david cross

got punched yeah on stage oh yeah yeah gonna be there in october uh yeah so little rock and then my lightning round is like fuck man there's one on there that you would love. Wait, wait, wait. Before you get to that pick, before you get to your final pick, before we all get to our final picks, we're going to take another short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to

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of the state capital. All Fantasy Everything fantasy draft. David Borey, time for your final pick. Richmond. Had fun in Richmond as a kid. Had fun in Richmond as a kid. Had fun in Richmond as an adult. More fun as a kid. Feels good on my body when you pick that.

I don't like it when you talk like that. Makes my neck feel wet. What is... Richmond, Virginia? What's going on there? Yeah, I got family out there as an adult going out there for comedy it's not good crowds yeah not good but the food is decent it's first time i ever went to a long john silvers

the food is decent comma it's the first time i ever went to a long john silvers first time i ever left the state as a kid so i always that always stuck in my head pretty heavy how's that nice downtown with the cobblestones a lot of africans there yeah i love it shout out to my auntie rotor richmond richmond virginia sean jordan time for your final pick. It's final pick, I guess I'll say Lincoln, Nebraska. Did not think that was going to get taken. I had a really good time in Lincoln. One night we did, I didn't really have any way to go. One night we were supposed to do a show

and the bar owner did not remember that he booked us on the show and it was pool league night. And I heard these dudes at the pool league talking about how they were fully ready to beat the shit out of the comedians they didn't know i was a comic i was outside and um i heard him talking about that and i walked back in and it was dax jordan timmy williams david van eisen and myself and i go if you guys want to do this show we can do it they will try to fight us i'm sure of it they don't look like the kind that are faking and i i was like again if you if you really want to die on this hill i'll

i'll be here with you i would rather not do the show so timmy walked down the street and some kid from a bar was like aren't you timmy williams from the whitest kids you know he said yes and he's like do the show here it was dollar beer night at a college bar packed house they paid us each like 200 bucks which is more than we'd made the whole tour each and we did two each we did two shows that night two shows that night it was amazing like the one of the one of the best accidents that could have happened and so that's that's like my one impression of lincoln so i had a really good time a little bit of magic it was crazy dude because we went from fully we were going to get in a fight and lose by the way we were absolutely going to lose

that fight to going and doing a show for what ended up being like 300 people on dollar beer night and it was calm everybody because everybody there loved timmy it was like they all loved the whitest kids you know so it was it was really fun worked out plus portland legend and domicong sue went there yes he did oh i always forget he's from portland oh yeah also great jazz bar blues bar zoo bar right there have they've good comedy coach on sunday yeah i don't you know without without letting all the cats out of the bag i might be at the zoo bar at some point in november who knows i might be i might be why play that why play that close to the vest do you not know yet for sure i don't know when we can say it that's the the thing is

they're like talking about when we can announce it so okay oh man go see sean yeah sam talent time for your final pick all right this is a tough one uh real barrel being scraped there's shards in the meat on this one. I think there's still a couple apples in there. I do too, but I don't want to say them. There are. Yes, there are. I'm going to say this place,

and it's a place I've always kind of thought of myself being able to live. I tried to live there for two months when I was like 20 years old, but the weather was too much for me. It's not the best pick on the board, but it's the most sentimental pick. I got to go with Olympia, Washington.

Ah, shit. That was one of the apples. That's for sure one of them. I love it, man. I love it. The small town vibe. I like the evergreen college vibe. I like the downtown.

I like the bookstore there. It's a nice place where I can kind of imagine myself living. They've got a great farmer's market. You're right on the water. Yeah. Great local music scene. You could do comedy there. Yeah. Yeah, Sam comedy there yeah yeah i've never really messed with olympia other than driving through is it looks like a pretty dope spot it looks nice clean it is clean it's like near enough

to the water where i imagine i'd be like on a boat fishing for sturgeon although that would never ever happen um david keeps snarling do you not like olympia david no he just keeps falling asleep with his eyes open no i don't like olympia david no he just keeps falling asleep with his eyes open no i don't like olympia you fish for sturgeon from the rocks too but either way i do i fish i've caught sturgeon off boats how deep not deep this is gonna get really boring right on the uh i just want to ask how heavy his line was i don't it doesn't i already had a stinky pick so i went with olympia because it's a nice just pastoral place

clean i like it i think it's a good call great beer ollie oh yeah yeah oh yeah great beer good food there's good food there too there's good restaurants restaurants. And you're smack dab between Seattle and Portland. So you can get somewhere, you can get somewhere even doper pretty quick. Yeah. It's kind of like the Carmel of, of Washington. Carmel by the sea?

Or by the sea? By the sea. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah of the draft i was about to take olympia great pick fuck am i gonna have to take someplace i've never been because there's only one other state capital i've been to and i'm not oh no two others and

i'm not gonna take either of those yeah i hate those places kalahasi still is in play i know dude that's the stinky one but i already had baton rouge i'm taking montpelier just based on how much i love the name montpelier yeah totally that's it yep i've never been to montpelier i don't know what the fuck's going on in montpelier montpelier might hate me but i love the name montpelier so i'm taking montpelier montpelier it's a beautiful rolling green hills man you made a good choice right there perfect perfect yeah man the ones i didn't take were sacramento or carson city yeah i'm not taking those i'm not taking sacramento for sacramento man fuck i i thought about it but i was like no i haven't even i tried

to force myself into good times and it was tough i don't know they started the name sack and worked backwards from there with that yeah i do not care for it sacramento's built for bad times i thought trenton was going to come off the board right there i wanted to go i wanted to go here but the only thing the only thing in pier is a women's state penitentiary that's like the draw of pure south dakota it's just so you had helena though yeah by the way sean i just drove from denver to fargo my god south dakota's the prettiest state in the union there's no water but i gotta say man that drive holy shit it was gorgeous dude agree in the union you say well i mean it's tough because like main rocks you know there's no ocean. But, God, I was just, it was so, so pretty.

Yeah, man, you get the Badlands, the Black Hills. I mean, it's absolutely gorgeous. Yeah. How about that, Sean? Nice little treat. Hey, I'm stoked, man. Yeah, a little South Dakota talk. Dank.

Dank, bro. Say it one more again. You did not make the cut. To recap, you took Denver, Nashville,ville phoenix little rock and richmond john you went second you took austin madison austin and madison columbus slc and lincoln sam you went third you took honolulu saint paul santa fe baton rouge and olympia i went last and i took atlanta boston boise providence providence and montpelier vermont a lot of a lot of bangers left on the board a lot of bangers raleigh's still up there raleigh is still up there elena shy i thought it

was cheyenne i was close cheyenne's an all right place but it's like cowboy shit it's like it's it's all scenery like if you're going there for the people you're gonna be bummed it's all scenery yeah because there's 35 people there. Yeah. Yeah. Shout out to the U.S. Navy, Annapolis, Maryland. Des Moines just got like a giant skate park. Des Moines could be dank.

Des Moines. Mars, do you have a pick? I was going to pick for the city capitals draft. I was going to pick Toronto. Easy for me. Oh, okay. We were just named the second safest city in the world after copenhagen not for long though i'm coming up there and i'm gonna bad ian's gonna go ian's gonna go right the wrong somebody was just trying to tell me to move to copenhagen i was no i want to move

there i'm a long cut guy bear bl Blaylock was a Copenhagen. I bought my brother, it was just his birthday. Happy birthday, Bear. I bought him a really nice massage gun for his birthday. And that's like a fun thing to buy for someone. But then they send you pictures of them using it. Like, thanks. And they all look sexual.

It's just like him in the yard. Yeah. It just doesn't matter. Do you have a TheraGun? Yeah, I got him a theragun yeah i got one that thing is insane you go to the nike park the nike skate park they have a power station with like 10 of those just there for anyone to use whoa i'm bad it's crazy yeah anyway that's yeah swoosh shout out to beaverton oregon we want to hear your picks i assume uh i mean

sell us on your state capital if you've got a pick we didn't pick. Hit us up at AllFantasyPod on Twitter. Tell us why Oklahoma City's the best. Let us know. I hear they have a haunted hotel and they have Shea Gilgis Alexander. Can't be all bad. AllFantasyPod on Twitter. AllFantasyPodcast at gmail.com.

Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything subreddit where we release bonus content, pre-rolls of our podcast, Sean's things that are dank that I'm stoked on, the slackity, the AFE Movie Club, another one coming very soon. Bonus live episodes where we were too drunk to be on microphone, but you can hear us. Nobody has said anything bad about it. Everybody has loved it, by the way. Everybody has loved it. We were our charming selves, just very drunk what i'm saying like it was it was just fun i was

telling laura about it i was like it just got dirty i think was the thing just dirty got dirty yeah sign up and listen to that shit wishing well water uh shout out to frankie oh shout out to say Sue Carmel who is in Italy right now shout out to super producer Marissa Melnick on the ones and twos the god shout out to

Frankie Ocean shout out to Sid the Dude shout out to Haji Beats and more important than all of that tune in again next week to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything Sha-clackity that was a hate gun podcast