All Fantasy Everything - Casting a Heist Movie (w/ Sean Jordan, Jake Weisman, and Matt Ingebretson from Corporate!)

Episode Date: January 17, 2018

Silent alarms, hostages, blue prints, Warners Brothers cartoons for some reason, schematics, getaway drivers, it's all part of today's All Fantasy Everything. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Sean Jordan, Jake Weisman and Matt Ingebretson. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that woke up on a beautiful Saturday, Saturday? Saturday morning. Saturday. And drove to Starbucks and got one of the breakfast sandwiches. But the podcast lives in Los Angeles, so they put the nutritional information on the drive-thru menu. And I try not to look at it.

I try to, like, unfocus my eyes so I don't see how many calories it is. But I caught it this time. That's a 500-calorie breakfast sandwich that this podcast ate this morning. That podcast. That podcast. Yeah. It's too many calories. No.

You guys can also talk. I'll introduce you officially in a second. But, yeah, it's not one of those. Oh, okay. I was scared. I know. It's like, will Ian yell at me? Isn't that the worst when you're like sitting there like and it's been 15 minutes and you're just like yeah and we're still staring at ian yeah it is

funny watching anytime you do a podcast the host get into like broadcaster mode for the first like two seconds of the podcast just i just saw you take a deep breath and you're like, and welcome. I'm a professional broadcaster right now. Most of the time they have pants on when they do it. So that's what's different about us. That's right. People think I'm a comedian. Mostly I call greyhound races. So that's kind of where that instinct comes from. Just the buses. The most boring races ever. And the 345 to Tulsa, 25 miles an hour for way too long. Today we are joined in the podcast studio by Jake Wiseman and Matt Ingebretson. Hi. As well as the sweet boy, Sean Patrick Jordan.

He nailed it. There it is. Sean and I just met, but oh man, so sweet. What a sweet boy, right? Oh my God, you're a sweet boy. Oh, he's like Nutella. Thank you. Thank you.

Like a big jar of Nutella. Sure. Not the first time someone's called me that. That you're dipping a... What's the nutritional information on Nutella? You don't want to know. I have the same thing, Ian. I don't like this new trend of people letting me know what I'm eating.

And I understand that's what's supposed to happen. Like, you know, the companies are keeping that from you. McDonald's is evil. But it's like, I can't order anything and feel good about it. Ever. Yeah. Ever. Like when I go to Taco Bell or McDonald's or whatever, what have you, even like a Starbucks

for the food. You know what you're doing. I've already, I've already made that deal with myself. Right. Yes. I already know exactly what's afoot. It's going to be bad. I don't even know exactly how bad.

But even if it's like 50 calories, I'm like, that seems like a lot. Like that's a big number. It's like a number of yen you know what i mean it's like it sounds like so much even though it might not be anything right but it really does yeah like yeah this 50 calories 36 000 yen they both seem like too much yeah it's like i don't know if i can afford that right it's getting the point too like in england i think they put photos of bloody lungs on the outside of cigarette packages and stuff and it's like soon on the outside of your big mac will be your stomach just bleeding out well yeah it's

gonna be open heart surgery it's gonna be number three at mcconnell's picture of open i'll take the open heart surgery you know what they should do they shouldn't show that but they should show like your hands over your face in shame like Like they should just show the feeling you have afterwards. They should show like an empty people have swiped you right on Tinder. Or just signing divorce papers just somehow. Looking at your kids and they're like across the football field on the other side. With a better dad. I came to the game.

I came. You know, I'm here. With their better dad. I came to the game. I came. You know, I'm here. With their better dad who went to Veggie Grill or whatever. This is Paul. He went to Veggie Grill. We'll do this.

So, Jake Wiseman at Wiseman Jake on Twitter. What are you on Instagram? At Wiseman Jake. At Wiseman Jake for the finest knife pictures in the game.

Thank you. In the game. If anyone's topping me, I'll be furious. It would be ridiculous. Oh, God. At least in the comedy. Thank you. In the game. If anyone's topping me, I'll be furious. It would be ridiculous. At least in the... I think you have the comedy game covered as far as knives go.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, there might be like some Yakuza members out there. Yeah, but I'll take them down. Or someone in Croatia. And just to clarify, they're not good photos of knives. They're just photos of knives. It's more a volume thing than a quality thing.

Gotta give people what they want. Yeah. And they want knives. It's a volume shooter. But less problematic and about knives. And about knives. Were you just on a sport?

Was it just you or were both of you on Sklar Brothers? I was on the Sklar Brothers podcast. Are you a big sports fan? Yeah, I am. I didn't know that. This is a constant thing that surprises people that I'm a man. It's honestly the only way my father relates to me the only times he calls he goes did you see the game and i'm and i always lie and i say yes but i it is like it's like as if he only speaks a particular language and i can speak that language and that's the only way he'll communicate with me that's how

if he's like i i'm proud of the giants for winning he's proud of me he's proud and so i try to really understand it because that's the only way he can say he loves me i i completely understand yeah and so and i love it i just understand the language i got through much of high school like that yeah i earnestly like sports but it was through the yeah it's like but the reason why he likes it is because he honestly likes it uh is because uh it's just a part of how you were raised and what everyone was interested in totally yeah we'll crave connection with each other it's a nice it's a nice common ground you can find with a lot of dudes and i also crave connection with people who are too unathletic to really still play like i can play for a while and now it's like no i just

have opinions right and in an injury yes exactly opinions and an injury and now it's like no i just have opinions right and an injury yes exactly i have opinions and an injury and a bone's a jew yeah i have a shit left knee for the rest of my life mostly because of obesity but i'm telling myself because of football i crack my joints crack every time i stand up you hear my toes crack every single time i walk around oh yeah do you have bone spurs he couldn't go go to NAMM because of his skateboard bone spurs. I'm legally blind. I got spinal surgery in Marina Del Rey at the same place

that Eli Manning had had spinal surgery and like Mario Lemieux and all like all of some of the best athletes in the country all got the same spine surgeon to fuck their

to fix their bodies. So I do feel connected to sports. How many current hockey players can you name hockey's my favorite sport really is it really i could probably name a thousand name one oh hockey's the best sport no i'm not saying it's not but i just i don't know it's the best sport because it's beauty it's grace and savagery and i i think like football i i do like football

it's obviously problematic but it's mostly savagery there is some grace but hockey it's like they're ballerinas who can beat the fuck out of each other. And I think that combines the masculine and feminine in a beautiful way. They are beautiful. They are beautiful out there. Yeah. A live hockey game is the most fun. It's tactile.

It's sound. You're cold when you're there. The, the, like the set, the skates. It's, it's an amazing,

you're going to hear a lot of like that. It's a cool noise. Thank you. Yeah. We're going to talk about lot of like that. It's a cool noise. Thank you. Yeah. We're going to talk about the show in a second, but do you have any, this is going to come out this Thursday, any standup or anything to promote? No, I've actually been taking a break from standup because of the TV show, unfortunately. That makes complete sense.

But I do love standup comedy. Yeah. So go see standup comedy. Go see standup. Go see Ian and Sean. Yeah. Come see us. Yeah.

Matt Ingebretson is here. That's right. that's right at matt ingabrettson on twitter i-n-g-e-b-r-e-t-s-o-n or just start typing i-n-g-e and it'll i think it'll show up yeah you or matt ingles wilder that's right matt ingrid bergman you you uh is it and on Instagram as well? Yeah. On Instagram as well. Yeah. All right. Fantastic. Do you like sports? I do like sports.

I don't follow them super closely. This isn't a sports podcast. I don't know why I'm bringing it up. I'm a, I'm a Spurs fan. Uh, my sister lives in San Antonio and converted my whole family to being a Spurs fan, which is convenient because they're easy to root for.

That's great. And they're good. Yeah. Yeah. Uh huh. Does anyone in your family call it San Antone? No. That'd be awesome. The whole reason for moving there

With the little weird whistle on the S San Antone How do you do that? You always do new shit where I'm like I didn't know you could do that That's how we keep the magic alive Ian, you are someone who, you're like, you have like talent Oh come on, you're crazy

I mean let's spend the next 15 minutes talking about it But after that There'll be a documentary about you you're like, you have like talent. Yeah. Come on. Crazy. You do like, you're like, in a way where I'm like documentary, I'm faking my way through being a performer just by like blind confidence. You, you like have a skillset. You guys are ridiculous. Thank you. Thank you. You see,

you gave me one of the nicest compliments I've ever had. We were like at a show upstairs at a speakeasy, Jake. And you just came up to me. I think I was there with like a girl I was dating even and it fell apart the whole relationship fell apart and uh a talent you don't have i'm still trying to piece my life back together from that the compliment was nice though you said you would i don't even remember the exact words but it was like you were gonna be you're gonna

be like selling out theaters and it was at a time when you know when you're like you're in a rut in stand-up comedy and somebody can say one nice thing and it really lifts you out of it? You are that good, Ian. I mean – It was so nice of you and I really to this day remember it. It was such a sweet thing. You're a great comedian. Yeah. I mean if we're going to do that –

Because you're like cool and like you're cool but you're also approachable and you you're, you have the, I look in most men, I look for this combination of like masculinity and femininity. So where they're not denying either side of themselves. And you're very good at that. Thank you. And, but I mean, I don't like you,

but I, but I do think you're good at sort of, you're a well-rounded person emotionally. You can see how someone could like me while you yourself do not. I don't like you. We did listen to Selena Gomez on the way here. Yeah, exactly. I love Selena Gomez. What a big year for her.

I'm saying. She had a couple really good songs. This is a crude way to put it, but you wouldn't be afraid of your own prostate. And I think those are the best men. Well, you have a bit about eating your own semen. I do, yeah. A bit, and it's a life bit as well. I think it's a really,

you got to test the oil every now and then. It's like that kind of thing. You got to test the oil? It's just a chef, every, you know, a chef every now and then will dip the pinky

into the marinara sauce. If you're asking someone else to taste the oil, you should taste the oil. You need to taste the oil yourself. Yes, trust me. I also taste oil at gas stations

before I put it in my car. It's like, do I want diesel today? I don't know. You'll sneak up the car, other people's cars into it, right? And then they have to chase you away like a reclimate. 100%. Yeah. I'm in the hospital constantly.

We're still talking about sports, right? Sports. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We love them. Everybody loves them. So do you have any stand-up dates coming up? Anything you want people to come see? I have one tonight, but it'll be too late.

What about your weekly show, Matt? It's going to be so fun. Oh, yeah. If you live in Los Angeles, you should. That's right. I do have a stand-up dates coming up anything uh you want people i have one tonight but it'll be too late what about your weekly it's gonna be so fun oh yeah if you live in los angeles you should that's right i do you should come to my weekly show good heroine every saturday at uh stories books and cafe it is so fun it's such a good hang the best show and it's always packed with amazing comedians i love going there i have a show that's the best show it's the best show it's like it's my it's my in my opinion it's the spiritual successor to Meltdown. People go hang out. It's so much fun. It's great.

It's the best. It's a privilege to perform on. It's free. And it's free. What more do you fucking want? You can creep around and have yourself a late night coffee. You can't. I love a late night coffee.

I get into my cups a little bit when I'm there. I tend to drink a little more alcohol and things like that. They serve alcohol at the bookstore now. They sell alcohol yeah that's right we what god what do we bring we like made a terrible drink and brought it there one night oh god yeah well you had a name it was your juice gully water gully water it was like sun-kissed orange juice and like ah it was weird yeah it was weird high school last year i got drank though uh what so not only are we here to draft we're also here to talk about the television program the fourth coming on comedy

central although available now on the app corporate corporate yes yes it's uh gonna be premiering uh january 17th which i think is the day before this comes out yeah but it'll be wednesdays at 10 p.m on comedy central you can also watch the episodes on cc.com. It's called Corporate. Me and Matt and Pat Bishop created it. Matt and I are stars in it. There's a lot of super fucking funny people. Lance Reddick, Aparna Nancherla, Baron Vaughn, Matt McCarthy, just a lot of great people. That Matt McCarthy episode

is so funny. That's the pilot, right? Yeah, that's the pilot. I fucking love it. I sincerely, like, I mean, we'll have people on here and they'll... I'm smiling ear to ear this whole time just like looking at you. It's so sick fucking love it. I sincerely, like, I mean, we'll have people on here and they'll. I'm smiling ear to ear this whole time. Just like looking at you. It's so sick.

And I won't have watched it or thought it was okay. This is sincerely so fucking funny. Thank you. It's like, what were, I mean, we were talking downstairs. It's like a little bit dark, the world. Yes. And it's very funny that way. Which is such an awesome part. It's refreshing.

But then also like you guys, well, if I can return compliments now. You can. In this dark world, you guys don't seem dark. It's not like you're, I mean, A, because you're very funny. You wear the darkness comfortably. You wear the darkness very comfortably. Yeah, like an old sweatshirt. There's still like a warmth in both of you, like, in the show.

Oh, well, thank you. That's not like a hacky sort of, like in the show that's not like a not like a hacky sort of like uh this is us not no shade on this is us but like kind of warmth but like uh you're both like still very likable in that dark world thank you i think i think part of the point of comedy is like we were discussing this downstairs too is catharsis and like i think we all have our own darknesses which is why we're drawn to comedy to some degree but i think the point is to be like yeah things suck but let's have some fun we're still here uh and let's laugh about it let's be silly and we're trying to be like kind of the grounded silly part of the show in this crazy dark evil world yes while this like

insane shit happens all around you yeah it's so funny thank you uh maybe we'll put let's just put this out a day early so then like i mean we can get the right we'll just do let's just put this out a day early. So then like, I mean, we can get the, right? We'll just do that. Yeah. So watch it tonight. Yeah, watch it tonight at 10 p.m. Watch it tonight at 10 p.m. Two episodes tonight. And yeah, I know it's gauche to promote your own stuff, but I do think you will like this if you watch it.

It's honestly good. We put a lot of effort. We hired more talented people than we are to be in it. I think it's, I think it turned out really well. There's so many great, it's also, there's so many great funny people in it. It's also cool in a way where like i mean from from like our generation of stand-up comedians this is one of the first like big shows that like people have done i feel like from our from like our scene and it's so fucking we put a lot of

people from our friend group and circle into the show um so it's a lot of people in la comedy that haven't really been on tv before and that's what we populated the show with because they are so funny and so talented and no one's ever seen them before so it's like this is kind of the LA comedy scene making a show. It's going to be one of those shows where in 10 years people will be like watching like holy shit that's where we saw for the first time. And hopefully we're still alive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of you will be. One of you will be. How was the press tour then? It's cool. we got to do seth meyers i saw that you guys walked out hand in hand yeah it was awesome we're like why not do this um it was cool honestly press tour press tours are weird because you're just brought into a car into a building you talk about yourself you get into another car it's weird how little preparation they have no crap and they're like tell tell us something that everyone's going to judge you

for. You're like, oh, I don't know. Yeah, here's what I think about life, I guess. We went and did an interview with a video interview with Yahoo Finance and we just like showed up and within five minutes we were in a studio talking to this host of Yahoo Finance and we were just like, well, I guess this is whatever it's going to be because we didn't plan anything for this. Yeah's so weird. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty weird. It's pretty weird to constantly be talking about yourself and you start just making things

up to entertain yourself. Yeah. You know, I don't know if I believe this, but everyone's going to be pretty sure that this is what I think. And you have to fill up those four minutes. Oh my God. Is Yahoo Finance the weirdest, the weirdest part of the junket? What have we done?

We've done... I think that was maybe the... When we were in New York, yes, like yesterday we woke up and we did, went and did Yahoo. We did a Pace Magazine interview. Yeah. Sirius XM. Okay. Sirius XM and then Yahoo Finance.

And then we went to Comedy Central's headquarters because they were having their like annual team retreat thing. And so we did a video feed to all of Comedy Central's employees and just shouted at them about our show. Basically, it wasn't to promote it. We were just like, we're the new show. And so here we are now. Yeah. It's pretty weird.

Learn these faces. Fucking awesome. God, sounds fun. Fantastic. Sean Jordan. Yes. Sean is Jordan on Twitter. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sean Cougar, that sounds fun. Fantastic. Sean Jordan. Yes, sir. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. Anything to promote? Anything to declare? There's actually this really good show coming out. It's called Corporate. Oh, there it is. I would say everybody watch that.

Watch it tonight. That's what I want to promote. Thank you. Watch it tonight on Comedy Central. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, watch it tonight, as it were. Two drops in the bucket. That's right. Two tears in a bucket. Two tears in a bucket. Fuck it. Me and Method Man, dude., yeah. Yeah, watch it tonight, as it were. Two drops in the bucket. That's right. Two tears in a bucket.

Two tears in a bucket. Fuck it. Me and Method Man, dude. We're both going to watch it. Any stand-up comedy? No. You know, in March, I'll be in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, best city in the world, with Kyle Kinane.

And then Minneapolis. Is that going to be your first time in Sioux Falls? No, no. Born and raised, my friend. Oh, my bad. My bad. And then Minneapolis, March 6th. And then Milwaukee, March 7th, with Kyle. So go to those. I'll go for, my bad. And then Minneapolis March 6th and then Milwaukee March 7th with Kyle.

Miliwake. Go to those. Algonquin for the good land. Hi. Gosh, yeah. Today we are gathered here in beautiful HeadGum Studios in scenic downtown Los Angeles.

Just a shade east just a shade east to the side skyscrapers. Sure. Get those right over there. We are casting via the draft a bank heist movie.

That's right. I'm very excited. I couldn't figure out a theme last night. I thought of one this morning. I'm so excited to go with it. I got a theme to mine. I got a whole plot that's going to come together. Here he goes being talented.

I'll get it all over the place. Also, I just want to send a shout out to everyone who's been pushing pancakes for the the table it's it's i've been seeing your twitter people have been it's a movement i'm trying to get started i think oh yeah i love that i've seen you've done that on stage right yeah yeah i've done it on stage we were at that diner in los feliz i don't know like a year ago me and ian and shane torres and he got some pancakes for the table and i thought it was fucking insane yeah and then they got to the table and i was like you know i do yeah i want a pancake little guys i definitely support that movement hashtag pancakes for the table is that what it is that's yeah yeah yeah it is now

it is now now the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors okay play between the three of you and we go on shoot uh and we'll and we'll do it right now here we go rock paper scissors shoot oh all three scissors we'll do it again rock paper scissors shoot aha sean jordan wins so sean you determine the order of the draft how would you like to do this today i will remind you before you do that it is a serpentine draft sure okay serpentine draft so that means if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Sure. Sort of serpentine.

Like if you've seen Knight Rider, Kit's kind of the light on Kit's license plate, basically how it goes back and forth. Just think of that. If you get lost in the draft anywhere, just kind of be like, okay, how Kit does. Shout out to whoever said that on Twitter yesterday because that was a great one.

Oh, that wasn't you? No, it wasn't me. I told them. I i was like i'm taking it and they're like yeah take it you motherfucker you didn't even shout him out properly i know i didn't yeah who was that masked man uh what will be the order of the draft sean patrick jordan god i don't know all right i'm gonna go first all right sean jordan's going first i'll bite the bullet um and then we'll just do it like a horseshoe all right so you're you're going last. Okay. So me, Jake, Matt, you. Okay, there it is. Great.

Yeah. And Carmel going next. I don't know that I did want to go first. Well, it's fucking... I know, I'm doing it. You didn't think about this at all. It's fucking happening, bro. I know.

So with the first pick, in the casting of Bank Heist movie, all fantasy, everything, 2018, Sean Jordan, you are on the clock. All right. My first pick is going to be Taraji P. Henson. Ooh! Interesting. Taraji P. That's your number one. That's your number one. You want to go number one to get Taraji.

I just, I didn't want to think about it too hard. I just looked at my list and that's what I'm doing. First pick. Any reason why? Just a gangster. Feels like she'll get the job done. She's intimidating. She's in that show, Claws, and she looks terrifying in that show. Is she in Claws? Yeah, right? No.

Am I crazy? Yes. I don't think she's in claws well you know do you know who taraji is yeah yeah she's she's i'm sorry she's in bring it on no she's not no no no okay okay doubling down doubling down i mean no nisi nash is in claws i don't think taraji is not in claws still my first pick are you thinking of the movie Proud Mary? Because Taraji P. Henson is that, or perhaps... No, but that's an intimidating role. The motion picture Hidden Figures.

Sure. Also Taraji P. Henson. All this makes me... I just think she would boss up in a bank heist. I think she would show up. Would she be the lead of the team? I think so. Okay.

Yeah. I think she's going to be the vocal. she's going to be the, like the vocal, she's going to be the one that tells everyone what to do. This is, you know, she's going to be telling people where to pour the bleach. In your bank heist movie, she,

at some point slams a bunch of rolled up blueprints on the table and then unfolds them with her hands. But like, there's like a corner that's kind of given her trouble. Yeah. She's like, fucking deal with the corner. And someone's like, sorry.

Somebody holds it down. Somebody who will learn about later in this we spend way too much on that moment way too much time on that moment in the movie yeah the blueprint scene becomes 10 minutes long why are we still talking about these blueprints we're really stuck here yeah it gets like way too in the weeds about blueprints there's a scene where they're oh wait i think these are backwards no we had it right in the first place yeah what uh what would you i mean howard university alum taraji p henson first of all do you have a do i mean do you going into this and you don't even need to tell me but do you have sort of a plan for this movie are you flying by the seat of your pants gonna stitch it together as you go a little bit of both i have loose a loose plan okay but it's you know we're just kind of playing jazz are you gonna go see

proud mary in theaters to roger b henson's new movie maybe it looks it looks if they're marketing it like it's jackie brown and i hear it's not really i here you go okay i wasn't thrilled about jackie brown really yeah why a little too long But I haven't seen it in quite some time. So I should watch it again. A little too long. A little too long. It is a slower Tarantino movie. It's got some great stuff in it, but it does, you got to invest in it. It's like you need to take an intermission in between.

Yeah. Get up, stretch it out. Yep. What are your favorite Tarantino movies? Because I think we might argue. I like this. I like this. Jake's picking a fight i mean

i love pulp fiction obviously sure not gonna argue with that now i'm nervous yeah i want you members you got the first pick yeah i want you to feel the heat it's very selfish i like django okay so here's the thing let me say something about django django the other so i've been going on a tirade against three billboards oh i love this we should have talked about this earlier yeah pure garbage one of the biggest frauds of the 21st century people like this movie and um i was talking terribly about it uh just constantly and then yasser lester yes likes the movie. And I said, there's so many reasons why it's bad.

One of the things I said was, I also think it's racist. And he goes, well, if you like Django Unchained at all, then you can't say that anything's racist. So now, and I do think we're in, this is not funny at all. I realize that. But what I'm saying is is it is interesting now just thinking of tarantino a white guy who's purposely saying the n-word and talking about slavery at this point it's like i don't know where i fall in the line of if people can talk about things or not but i do think it's hard to justify jango a little bit i yeah but i did find it entertaining but when

someone points out and i go oh god yeah yeah well that's when i watch quentin tarantino and i'm sure not everyone can do this i just have a separation in my mind of like what is actually happening and like people are dying in a way that i like watching that's mostly he's he's so good at i like watching the way you get into like reservoir dogs and like the kill bills and you're like yeah it's just it's just entertaining that's right yeah he takes his whole he takes his quentin tarantino spaceship and lands it in different environments and then just does his thing in those different environments and for some reason he decided to land it in in slavery era and i don't think it's defensible at all but it was fun well i don't know

well it's tough it's like are you are you allowed to like things if someone points out that it's racist well it's probably not putting the calories on the menu yes you used to be able to just go see a quentin tarantino movie and be like wonderful what's also what's also confusing is that jamie foxx agreed to do the role yes so you're like well he is black and he thinks it's fine but also he got paid a lot of money and you know, he lives in a bubble. So who knows? And there's been in that bubble since he was a very young man. Yeah. He's the original boy in it.

Yeah, I know he was a badass and a lot of people, I'm not necessarily, I don't know. I don't know if I think Leonardo DiCaprio is smart. I think he makes smart choices a lot of the time, like with what movies he does, but he's in there being a terrible person.

Yeah. It's interesting. I don't know. Cause if Qu quentin tarantino's like do you want to be my movie you're gonna say no right are you gonna say no i mean i'm saying yes i would have probably said yes to woody allen until this year right yeah i mean i feel like we're all delving into territory we have no business talking about true it is for it is the for out. Yeah. But we grew up as fans of this person. I think it's interesting. Yeah. I mean, he's someone we talk about a lot. There were Jews who had problems with inglorious bastards

because they were like, that's not how it happened. You know, they never killed Hitler. I loved it. Me and my dad went and watched that movie in theaters. Your dad, the lawyer. My dad, the lawyer. My dad is an attorney. Oh, shit.

I have a Carmel attorney at law. This is what I want to talk about. We'll do an off branch of the off branch. lawyer my dad the lawyer my dad is an attorney oh shit okay carmel attorney at law yeah this is what i want to talk about we'll do a uh an off branch of the off branch my father bought me a firearm for hanukkah wait which night the first night to get ready for the rest of seven bullets and then the firearm on the gun yeah where's this going what am i gonna get he bought me he bought me i don't even know if this is a good thing to talk about publicly. I don't know. He bought me a fucking pistol.

By the way, a German one. I don't understand. Don't you need, do you need a license to have a pistol? In California, you need to take a, you need to get a California certification. It's a class you take. And then that allows you to have the gun in your house to get a concealed weapon permit in California. And you can transport it across state lines? I don't – the way it worked is he – Only if somebody did you dirty in that other state.

Right. And you can bring it home. Only if you're Taraji P. Henson and somebody said you were in the show Claws. Yeah. I don't know if you can – he had to send it down here to a gun store for me to pick up kind of thing is like how it works from Oregon. And I don't want a gun. This goes back to what we were talking about earlier right where there was that nuclear they were like in hawaii they got a threat that said like a ballistic missile is coming seek shelter that turned out to be a false alarm right if that was sent to you you would go grab

your gun and then god knows shoot at the nuke You just start shooting at the sky. Screaming, not today! But we were talking like, I just want to die. My father, who's the child of Holocaust survivors, so it makes sense to me that... Huge brag. Big, big brag. A lot of people didn't make it. My family did.

Let's give a round of applause for you thank you but uh it makes sense because he's i think always has this fear in his head or this like like it happened to my parents it could definitely happen i want to have guns is he a liberal man he's very liberal he's incredibly super second amendment dude but also super second he's like he. He was the first lawyer in Portland to work with trans people. And they've given him awards for that. He gave them all guns. He gave them all guns. Just kill those fuckers.

Settle out of court and you find some guns. Kill all the fuckers. He's showing them with a duffel bag full of rifles. Kill anyone who hates you, yeah. He makes his own kombucha and then loves guns. I think that's fun. It is fun. It's a fun thing for him. He's a fun, interesting guns. I think that's fun. It is fun. It's a fun thing for him.

He's a fun, interesting man. I don't want guns, though. So what would you do with it? I don't know yet. This is in progress. Well, the thing about... I don't know if I want to talk about guns. The thing about guns is they're cute.

I was about to say the thing about guns, and I was like, what the fuck am I getting into right now? New rule. The thing about guns. But many people's reasons for owning guns are not totally unjustifiable. It's like a lot of people have great reasons

for owning guns. A hundred percent. Yeah. Top five reasons. Top five reasons. That's a new draft. One, you're scared. You're very scared all the time.

They impress everyone. They're fun. Great for a date. A penis you can hold. Yeah, they look cool. A penis you can hold. A penis you can hold. Yeah, yeah.

That's right. Unlike your regular penis which you're not allowed to touch. Well, you'll hold. Yeah, penis you can hold. Yeah, yeah. That's right. Unlike your regular penis, which you're not allowed to touch. Well, you get married eventually, and then you can touch it. But just going back, any scenario where I would want to have a gun, I'm just like, ah, rob me. Or kill me. Fine, whatever. I feel the exact same way.

Yeah, I just don't want to. Who's fighting for life that much? I don't know. Yeah. I'm like, if my number's up, if somebody shows up to my house to kill me, I'm like, I would have been laying there like, I could have sworn it would have been heart disease. I don't have an alarm system in my house. I just think anybody confident enough in themselves to be like, I can handle a gun in a stressful

situation. I don't think so. No. No way. No, no, no, no. That's the key is I don't think people quite realize like, what's your end game? You want to kill someone? Like if someone breaks in, you want to have killed someone who was going to take your tv i think a lot of people do they do that's crazy yeah i grew up

in texas so i know all those people do you think it's because we have a fun hobby like comedy which i mean is all of our job actually but we have this other thing and then other people are just sitting there like what do i do i guess i'll get this weird thing where it's like i absolutely want to end someone's life yeah but I have a lot of guilt. So I feel like I want to know what it's like to take energy out of a body, but I don't want to think about it afterwards. Yeah, you wanted to have it happen. Who doesn't want to kill? You want to be men in black and move on.

When I saw Hostile, I was like, absolutely. But then I'd have to kill myself right away because that's like doing heroin when you know you're going to die. It's like, yeah, I want to know the most dangerous game. Jake is outing himself as a mass shooter right now. No, I haven't shot anyone. And it sucks. So what, B, mass shooter?

So yeah, Taraji P. Henson. Taraji P. Henson. Oh yeah, that's right. I forget what the tangent I went on the gun tangent off of was, but if it was... It just got the focus off Klaus and I'm thrilled about that

even though I brought it back. Niecyash just so we're clear good though i know corporate but it's good i know who to rajee piantan is just so we're clear okay i that was a mix-up name three things she's done smoking aces okay smoking aces too come on is this smoking aces to deuces wild it is i Wild? It is. It is Deuces Wild. I don't know. I've never seen those movies and that is in my brain. Smokin' Aces is like a sneaky, fun movie. Yeah.

That was the first thing I ever saw. Okay, so she's in those two movies? Yeah. It's not going to happen. We need the third thing if you're going to justify your first pick. I need even one third thing. I don't have to justify shit. I pick what I pick and that's what's happening.

The third thing is your bank heist movie, I guess. My question about Taraji P. Henson is – You're not going to give her your wallet if she comes into the bank? No. Was there another Taraji Henson that she needed the P for? Like, that's what you do for IMDB. Is there another Taraji out there who's killing it? That's a great question.

I don't know. That's my question. It's a thing of if you have three things in your name, it sounds more sophisticated. No, for sure. And it's a hook. But I mean, there has to be another reason. No, even on IMDb, she's aka Taraji Henson. Okay.

So, Sean, I mean, some of the hidden figures. I mean, I said it earlier. Sure. You know. Person of interest. Think Like a Man. Larry Creon. The Good Doctor. A movie. Anyway, the Karate Kid. She was in the Cleveland Show. What a long

winding career she's been in. Oh, Benjamin Button. Benjamin Button. She wasn't in Smokin' Aces, too. No, yeah, I know. She was in Smoking Aces. Her in Common. Yeah. The actor Common.

This is the part of the podcast we like to let just really slow down. Okay, I'll go with my pick. Rajvi Hudson, Jake Wiseman, it's time for your first pick. So I'm going to go, and there were so many different angles to go with. I was hoping to get the Serpentine 4-5 because I was going to go a totally different direction. But I'm not sure that my – and the first pick has to have the second pick if I'm going to do that with the Serpentine. So instead, I'm going to go with Betty White. Now, here's why.

Because I understand that that's silly and I'm being a goofball. I know I'm being too silly here. However, Betty White in her 90s. Yeah. Now, I think. She could get in anywhere. She could get in anywhere. That's a great point.

She could get in anywhere. That's absolutely true. But also, I've never seen a woman in her 90s play a badass. Sure. And I think that she could do it. And I think that like her playing like, like my favorite heist movie is inside man with, with Clive Owen. It was almost my pick.

There's two on the nose and someone's going to pick them and they should. But I think if she played the Clive Owen and she was like, badass. And she was just like, cool. I don't think you, what more do you want out of cinema is my question. I would love to see her make a late,

late in life. He'll turn like that. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, she's, she's really good in claws. So I'd like to see her make a late in life heel turn like that. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, she's really good in claws. So I'd like to see, you know.

Sorry, Betty P. White. Betty P. White is amazing in claws. I just think Betty White, think about her in a heist movie directed in really dark tone. I think you would love it. It would be unexpected. She'd get a lot of PR and then she could die on top. She could. Yeah.

So that's just sort of where I'm coming from. I love when you have like a actor like do that sort of turn oh i spent like having it almost makes it more ominous and like a tinge of supernatural albert brooks and drive yes i didn't love it but albert brooks is so fucking scary and drive and i'm like absolutely terrified of him and i do think if you can comics, like comedy people do have this underlying sickness most of the time. And if you have them play it how they actually are, it is terrifying because that's the truth. Right. They don't really have to act.

They're like, this is what I'm like when I'm not tap dancing for you. Right, exactly. And I think Betty White not tap dancing would haunt our dreams. Oh, it really would. Yeah. So just, that's my first pick. Just her talking shit about when they leave the room yeah absolutely i mean if betty white was like give me all your fucking

money i mean i would just be because also when you're in your 90s maybe dementia is involved and dementia you don't want to fuck with because they could do anything who knows what they're seeing yeah who knows her just shoot having one of those little guns and just she shoots somebody absolutely the shatters are clavicle just to make a point and then i could see her sort of like just not caring and just she's like you know what she shoots her own toe off just to be like i'll do anything yeah like cuts your finger off right in front of you before they even say anything absolutely like and now we're gonna rob the bank those are the stakes and then she's like to be clear that finger hasn't been working for a long time yeah my body is falling apart hasn't entered that finger yes since been working for a long time. Yeah. My body is falling apart. Blood hasn't entered that finger.

Yes. Since Reagan was in office. She also, she must be, how old did you say she was? I thought she was in her 90s. She is, she was born in 1922.

So what would, yeah. Damn, that's fucked. Damn. Smoking it to the filter, Betty White. 95.

Wow. January 17th is her birthday. There is no way it wouldn't be a hit. January 17th. January 17th is her birthday. There is no way it wouldn't be a hit. January 17th. January 17th is her birthday. Oh, wow. It's her birthday. Well, happy birthday, Betty.

Happy birthday, Betty. I just got you a role. Some executive is going to listen to this. But having been in Hollywood for as long as she was, you know, I mean, she's been through some shit as a woman in Hollywood. Oh, my God. So that well of darkness. There is no question that we would watch this movie.

Yeah. I would pay to see it. Definitely watch it. I wouldn't even use the pass. You know, I would pay to see it like at the Arclight. I would pay 20 bucks to see it.

And then you'd pay for parking. Yeah, I'd pay for parking. And then go to that little sushi place right there. The sushi, yeah, where you take the stuff

off the conveyor belt. And then I'd go to Veggie Grill and I'd see Paul, the stepdad that I hate. Yeah. He's there. He's wearing workout gear all the time. All the time. conveyor belt and then i'd go to veggie grill and i'd see paul the stepdad that i hate yeah he's there he's winning workout gear all the time all the time with my fucking kids uh it's not your weekend jake i don't know what you're doing here um it's my weekend now as i pull out my gun me and steven are veggie grill and i don't know what you're doing here you can eat a burger by yourself

because we're here we're getting buffalo bombers and then we're hitting run you i love the buffalo bomber would murder someone at a veggie grill. Of course I would. Yeah. Of course I would. I'd like a biopic. That'd be a good place to do it. Then you grab a bunch of napkins

and throw them on their body as you walk out. Every time we go. And then you go to the movie. Every time Jake and I go to the Arclight, he re-talks me into going to veggie grill. Yeah, it's the best place. He's like convinced that I'm not sold on it.

And he's like, Matt, we're going to veggie grill. It's my favorite place. Okay, well, let's talk about veggie grill for a second. I am a vegetarian, but most of the vegetarian places on the East side of LA are populated by white hipsters. Veggie grill is multicultural. It brings together the world in a beautiful way to not eat meat. And I think that's an incredible thing that you never see. Everyone is lining up to eat veggie grill. No one looks the same. And I love that. I think it's beautiful.

Also, one time I was at veggie grill and one of the bus boys spilled ketchup all over my back. Yeah. And he's like, I'm so sorry. I'll get you a free dessert. How all over your back? Like how much ketchup? So much fucking ketchup. Like I'd say $20.

Wedded. Wedded. $20. $20. Should have zigzagged. Yeah. It rained ketchup on me and he's like I'm so sorry

and it got all over and he's like I'll get you a dessert to make up for it and then 20 minutes passed and he hadn't gotten the dessert so I went up to him and I'm like dude you promised me a dessert and then I saw Dunkirk with ketchup all over my back but I did get the carrot cake which was just okay

but shout out to Veggie Grill blessed by the heavenly face of harry styles yeah we just got the dunkirk screener today i saw it in the movie theaters man chinese theater but have you seen it yet yeah i saw it in the movie i liked that movie i liked harry styles's 2017 i liked the whole year we don't have to get into it right now i wish betty white had been in the movie, but yeah, sure, it was fine. Betty White. As Winston Churchill. Okay, I'm going with... Betty White as Winston Churchill.

My first pick, Neil deGrasse Tyson as the lead of the group. Sure. I feel like... Yeah, sorry, go ahead. He has gravitas, he's intelligent, he reads as cool

and sophisticated. So you're going with a non-actor as your number one pick. Number one pick. So you feel like he could, you feel like the gravitas will outweigh his lack of acting experience? I think that he's talented enough and he's put himself out there in the public eye enough that I think he's got the goods. Okay. And I feel like he would come in very reasonably and kind of explain to what's going to go on do you see yourself directing this film uh not as my first movie but you know because i just feel like it'd be tough to direct him because he'd be like well

actually you know what i should be doing science wise yeah yes you know i think he'd be a diva the pressure the pressure required to pop this vault would actually death all of us. So I think in this scene, we all need to be wearing heavy. That's the kind of movie we'd see. It's like a boring but accurate kind of movie. He could argue the bank tellers out of – like he could argue them into giving the money. He'd go, well, actually, I deserve it because what I'm going to do with the money is this. Yeah.

If you think about the state of carbon that has neither been created nor destroyed since the beginning of the universe here's really yeah i'm out of the money there is because the thing you don't want an accurate heist movie because the way that they work is you skip over all the parts where it's like well that never would have happened yeah you know you know sort of let's bring this up degrasse is doing a lot for him so with the p and the degrasse these are both middle names or middle initial nils that are carrying the names neil tyson yeah there's no way you know shit about space now yeah you add grass yeah grass and you're like that guy knows about space he's it's like the heir to the tyson chicken fortune yeah neil tyson yeah he's just like a

daddy's boy he has a hundred and145,000 jet ski somehow. Neil Tyson would rob a bank because he's got something to prove. Neil Tyson does. He's got to live up to it. Degrass is interesting because it's a middle name that starts with a lowercase letter.

Anytime you got that going, you're throwing people off. Yeah, that's right. People are already on their heels. The Joker has entered the deck, my friend. Yeah, Joker Degrass Tyson. Yeah. In your movie, is he wearing his cute little space vest?

Honestly, yes. That's the only way I picture him. In my movie, everyone is wearing a Neil Degrass Tyson mask. That's like in Inside Man. That's how they confuse. You don't know who's a hostage and who's a robber. Brilliant. Because everybody's wearing Neil Degrass Tyson vests.

Exactly. Have you seen those pictures of him in college, in high's a hostage and who's a robber. Brilliant. Because everybody's wearing Neil deGrasse Tyson vests. Exactly. Have you seen those pictures of him in college, in high school, when he was like a college wrestler? No. And he's just like yoked. No. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Let me pull these up right now.

It would be hard to wrestle someone who knows exactly what to do, like all the angles and the pressure points and shit. I don't think that's what wrestling is about. Wrestling is just blunt force. Physics. Anybody here ever wrestle? Iled for uh a month my foot my defensive line coach in high school was like you need to wrestle it'll be so good for you i'm like okay but i weighed like 300 pounds yeah i weighed still i weigh 300 pounds and did then as well and uh the only other guy in the super heavyweight weight division was this dude who smelled so bad.

He had the worst hygiene, and I had to wrestle him every day for a month. He just stunk. Like that deep BO. Yeah. Where is this coming from? Yeah. Coming from home.

A cultivated, terrible odor. Like there's a mosquito spray in there. Yeah, right? It feels acrid. It gets in your mouth a little bit, like that level of like, so I quit. I couldn't keep doing it. Wrestling was always, this is going to be controversial, but wrestling always felt for me in high school, all the guys that were wrestling, it felt like it was created by,

it was like a way to equality in a bad way. It was the only way that male anorexia ever was talked about. You know what I mean? And it was just like, okay, these men are in pain and clearly doing something wrong. And every woman is having to deal with something like this. But I was like, this feels like equality. My friend Nate Stoller was like a really good wrestler. And he got so skinny during wrestling season that he could pull his neck skin over his chin.

What? skinny during wrestling season that he could pull his neck skin over his chin it was this guy yeah they found him one day passed out in his neighborhood wearing like a uh man that's a sweat a sweatsuit just like passed out in the suburbs of beaverton oregon just cutting friends were like nate are you okay he's oh oh yeah sorry and then he like kept running did i miss the big match this kid that i went to school with he he would spit before he had to make weight. He'd just go spit a bunch. They pound it home. Just whatever. Get it all out of your body.

They'd work out like crazy, sweat as much as they could. Here's Neil deGrasse Tyson as a wrestler. That's just like a better man. A better man can wrestle as well and he understands stars. I wrestled a little when I was a kid. I'm not the right shape.

I'm too long to wrestle. There's too much to grab on to. I have a high center of gravity. I'm fucked. And you have lean weight because there's just so much of you. Now you're just turning me on. Lean weight. Lean athwaite. Also check out The Shy

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Yeah, Neil deGrasse Tyson as the first pick. It is now time for me to make my first pick. It is. And with my first pick, I'm kind of going to go the Betty White route as well. And I'm going to take the mastermind of my bank heist, Mel Brooks. Oh, I love that. Melvin Kaminsky.

Mel Brooks. Oh, brilliant. Coming out of retirement. Coming out of retirement. I think he's still got it. He did the Late Late Show last year. And I got to write a sketch and work with him in a sketch, which was... Oh think i saw that photo it was amazing it was so so cool but he's still he's still sharp he's still got it he's like 91 he's i think he's at least 91 yeah not quite that he white age but

like oh that's a great idea and he's i mean also like he's got that dark side in him. Of course. For sure. For someone to be that funny. Oh, my God. Yeah. So he's the mastermind of this particular heist. He's not necessarily going to be in the building cracking safes or doing any of that stuff. Sure. But this is all his plan, and it's been a plan that's been in motion for a long time. Melbrook, that's a fascinating dude, by the way.

Oh, yeah. a long time yeah melbro that's a fascinating dude by the way the uh oh yeah his the 20th century masters or whatever that uh pbs did about him i think it's called make a noise great yeah really interesting i mean just uh he has this quote where he's like if you go to hollywood you have to kick the door down or something like that you can't just you have to be like you have to completely overwhelm people with how talented you are that's's the way to be successful. That actually made me not want to move to Hollywood. I was like, I can't kick any door down. I know. I do want to lightly open it and hope it doesn't creak too much.

I will sit politely outside of the door. But he did do it. Yeah. And he's still kicking doors down. Yeah. When he came on the set for that sketch. He hates doors. He hates doors.

He's not a big door fan. He screamed at us. He's like, get rid of these doors. We had to drill them off for the rest of the shoot. We keep doors around here most of the time. Of course, I have a Jim Morrison poster up anywhere I work. He tore them out of here.

Not framed, though. Not framed. Tackles all the corners. It was just like this like laser beam of charisma but with everybody he would focus it on one person for like 30 seconds yeah like a cameraman yeah and then like move on to the next person like this terminator of like charm and and energy and then that's it's like fun to watch someone who's that good at being famous where it's like he can engage and it's not not everyone gets that point. Some famous people suck at it,

but some people can come in and like give you perfectly individual attention for a short period of time where you feel special. And then they leave gracefully and move on to the next person. That's the Clinton thing. Yeah. That's what you hear. Yeah. He'd give you,

it felt like just the two of you. Yeah. And then they move on to somebody else and have them murdered. Yeah. And then have them. Nobody ever got to talk about their meeting because they all got killed somebody else and have them murdered. And then have them. Nobody ever got to talk about their meeting because they all got killed. We'll just look up. I'm just saying,

look up Vince Foster. And then watch loose changes. And then watch that guy's point too. That guy's too. That guy's great. Vince Foster. Vince Foster. So the,

the, the, the dark comedy lead of my heist movie. Okay. Mel Brooks. With my second pick, I'm taking- As it is a serpentine draft. As it is a serpentine draft. Thank you.

I'm going to take Jeff Goldblum. Okay. Yeah. He's a heavily Jewish movie. I see what's going on. You know I saw it. Yes, it is. You got it.

I'm hearing like bloom bloom that was very quick to pick up on that pattern that's all Jews are tuned to hear is like talking about

someone like me Jews? yeah I hear it it's amazing anytime we're watching any sporting event if there's a Jew in there I'll start calling him out

like I'm giving up information to the Nazis I have a feeling where this is going I think I know what the plot of the movie is oh I'm excited do you think you I'm not gonna say it yet I wanna a feeling where this is going. I think I know what the plot of the movie is. Oh, I'm excited. Do you think you?

I'm not going to say it yet. I want to see what the third pick is. But I think I'm going to pitch a storyline, but I'm going to let you do your thing. Okay, great. Because I bet it's the same storyline. Okay. I'd like to just say in advance,

I don't have a plot to the movie. I don't either. I'll think of one by the end. Well, Jews think about this. We do think about plots because we've been the victim of them so often. I'm so plot. What's the plot?

We're plotzing. Plotzing. Yeah, so Jeff Goldblum doing kind of a – I don't know if he's necessarily going to be the lead of the movie, but I wanted him in there. He's obviously going to add to it. Like he does – he never detracts. He can only add. You're only going gonna be happy that he's also in the movie he's like he's gonna be reasonable yeah i'll pay for it at the arc light

right is that mel brooks and parking though you gotta pay for parking oh yeah but you go to the veggie grill yeah it's only like three dollars yeah you get it uh uh well you just you get the value validate yeah three bucks i gotta live life if three bucks is making or break you you're fucked you're fucked you shouldn't be a veggie girl anyway yeah you know actually that should be at work people you shouldn't be at the arc life that's right you can get one thing off the rock and sushi conveyor belt you can get one piece of sashimi but it's gonna be something gross it's gonna be the little eggs and the seaweed yeah yeah none of that's gross i like the little eggs and the seaweed so i'm'm sorry. I apologize to little egg.

I think it's gross. Big little eggs. Jeff Goldblum in there. I think he's going to be kind of the tech guy. He's almost reprising his role. Kind of Jurassic Park-y Goldblum. Independence Day-ish Goldblum. That kind of up in his own head, eccentric.

He's very good. He won't steal all the attention, but when the attention is on him, he's nailing it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He comes up huge in scenes. I feel like he's going to be reasonable, too. Like, he's going to be the one telling someone, like, listen, don't hit the button. Yeah. They will kill you.

I'm here to help you. Yeah. I'm also going to rob this bank, but don't hit the button. And he's going to be doing it with that weird Jeff Goldblum sex appeal he has. Women. My girlfriend likes Jeff Goldblum. Love Goldblum sex appeal he has women my girlfriend likes jeff goldblum him and the new thor he's fucking he's beautiful the first gift i ever gave my girlfriend like the first birthday that rolled around was one night with jeff goldblum

i've actually told her if you ever get the opportunity to sleep with jeff goldblum you've got a path i don't think i'd be jealous at all i would not care at all yeah absolutely my girlfriend's crushes are jeff goldblum and shaquille o'neal wow she has a type just heavily jewish shaquille o'neal she had a crush on him yes she had a crush on him when she would when he played through the orlando magic when he first started yeah Yeah, that is the crush of a show. Did she like Blue Chips a lot, that movie Blue Chips? I don't know. But have you seen the 30 for 30 with Shaq of that era?

Watching him run down the court when he was that age is really something else. Just a very special thing that happened in the world. It really is that we had Shaq for one beautiful moment. Just an impossible yep never but probably never before and not since before he was like i don't have to keep working that hard to be the best so i'm not going to well that happened and he was also like people were like hitting him so hard down in the post he had to put weight on yeah because he was getting like beat up he was getting like his bones bruised and shit like that. A whole hack of Shaq thing, right? Yeah.

Poor guy? Shaquille O'Neal, poor guy. He had, this is a fun question. The Kobe-Shaq dichotomy. Would you rather be Shaq and win like a few championships and reach 80% of your ceiling, but while you're doing that, you're in movies, you're having a great time, you're putting out rap albums, or would you rather be kobe and sexually

assaulted girl in colorado i do think that shack had more fun with it yeah more likable and kobe reached his peak i think he went out of 100 i find the thing about kobe this is not gonna be funny at all but i do find it very upsetting there's certain laker fans that we know that like are like i'm extreme feminist and just but they don't really acknowledge the kobe thing i know and it really bothers me yeah um i don't think he's a good man and i think it's like not okay to be into it and it's weird it's not talked about but shack i doubt is that great a guy but he's so fun he's so fun he seems all right he's i don't know about that but kobe but kobe. Shaq might be all right, but he got powerful enough to where he could do. He could have done anything.

Nobody is that good if you can touch the world like that. Who's good? Yeah. Betty White is. Betty White. I'm going to throw a curveball and put Shaq in my movie. Are you really? Now that we're talking about it.

I wasn't planning on it, but here we go. This is a wild film. That might be the first time that's ever happened where someone's like, you know, they didn't even look at your phone. Yeah, that's right.

Two spectacular athletes. And I'm going to do a little changing of the casting. I'm going to make Neil the bad guy in the movie. Oh, okay. And I'm going to make Shaq the head of my team.

Yeah, I like that. The planner. Not the first time he's led a team to a championship. That's exactly right. Yeah, I like that. The planner. Not the first time he's led a team to a championship. That's exactly right. It's good that we've been talking about Shaquille O'Neal. Steel,

blue chips, Kazam. Also, I wrote for a Shaq sketch show. Did you? So he also can do comedy. Were you with

Sean O'Connor on that show? He was there first season. I wrote for the second season and got let go early. I was not very good at it also got fired yeah i was an upload or something upload with shaquille o'neal season two did you get to be in a room with jack no i never got to meet him but i heard some stories he is gigantic big guy he's not small no he he did a sketch again on the late late show that i wrote. And I've never felt so small and cozy. I had a joke because his first his wife was so tiny.

The joke I made, which probably is problematic. But I said that just think how big he is. It's like it's the first time in history that a woman is dilated more for the conception of the child than the birth. Because he's like five times the size of her like it's so he's so big even if he has a small penis it's 11 inches long yeah yeah so i have heard and this is this is probably not news i've heard that when he um like sleeps with women yeah they are brought to his house and they have to put their phone they have to give their phone away because the risk of his dick pic,

like that's like one of the most prized. I told you that, and we're not supposed to talk about that. Definitely keep it on the podcast. I told you that. Wait, well, what is, I'm going to keep secrets for Shaquille O'Neal? That stands to reason that Shaq would do that.

Well, Shaq, we're with you on that. Shaq was married. Well, he's not married. He was not. Yeah, he was. And she gave him Sharif O'Neal, who is a prized NCAA

prospect. I like that there's a sentence in history that someone had to say, I just got divorced from Shaq. Sorry, Shaq and I. Shaq and I are separated. Since Shaq and I got divorced. I just can't eat since Shaq left. Shaq divorced Penny? Things have been the exact same since Shaq and I got divorced. I just can't eat since Shaq left. Shaq divorced Penny, then he divorced Kobe.

Things have been the exact same since Shaq and I got divorced. Things are fine. Nothing changed. Shaq is living in a condo in Marina Del Rey for the time being. Actually, you know what? Don't sit over there. That used to be Shaq's chair. So we're just kind of leaving it there.

Yeah. All right. Shaq, you need to get a lawyer. All right? This is happening this is a strategic shack i want to apologize i i forgot that that was a secret honestly it doesn't matter we've talked other shack secrets on here like how he has a guy who wears a cowboy hat and has a briefcase with like 50 grand and a gun right oh yeah i think he's done a lot of things yeah

yeah um all right i'm gonna go this is a strategic move i'm gonna take al pacino in dog day afternoon oh so in dog day afternoon he plays a real like bad bank robber um and he's trying to get money for his partner's uh transition uh sex change it was it's a very good movie it goes wildly control he has no idea what he's doing um and uh i think he and betty white together would be interesting and i don't want to talk more about it until i get to do my next pick because i have a plan so al pacino and doug dave were the best performances of all time old betty and a young pacino absolutely lots of hair he's so good and doug dave is so good and it's a heist so that movie is brutal it is great but it doesn't feel good it's tense yes super tense is that where he walks around chanting attica

is that the movie he does that in is that or is it serpico i don't know can i say something controversial i watched no i tried watching okay next i watched some of serpico and was having trouble getting into it how long ago but probably a year and a half ago and that was the first time you ever tried to first time i ever tried really i think that i probably i didn't watch the whole thing i probably watched half an hour but it wasn't gripping me yet there are certain old movies that are just like midnight cowboys one of those movies where i'm like this doesn't seem this back in the day must have seemed crazy but now i'm like there's better versions of this i don't get whatever i'm not part of the culture that this resonated in so it's not good for me yeah the dr zhivago i tried to watch go through the lame night it's gonna be a lame night we tried to watch

the hundred the afi list of 100 best movies oh sure it started at 100 which is a mistake by the way and like got to Dr. Zhivago at like 92 and I'm like this is the worst movie I've ever seen it's so lame how people say movies are getting worse it's like movies are everything's always getting better because you get to stand on the shoulders of the past and it's like so many better movies are being made in the top 100 AFI

movies like shut the fuck up you white idiot so every movie's so white and it doesn't stop it and not that it matters but it doesn't diminish like Citizen Kane

or whatever that you don't feel it the same way you did 50 years ago when it was made but you don't feel it the same way that you did 50 years ago

they're all like this film technique I'm like we have robots now this was the Orson Welles figured out a way to make it look

so conservative so annoying yeah and whatever Dr. Zhivago was too this was the first Orson Welles so conservative so annoying yeah and whatever Dr. Zhivago was too just fucking whack I'm still mad it was 10 years ago and I'm still mad Al Pacino and Dog Day Afternoon we'll learn more

about it with your third pick but Sean it is time for your second pick who else who wasn't in Claus will you take well I don't think John Wick was in Claus so I'm going to take John Wick John, it is time for your second pick. Who else who wasn't in Claws will you take? Well, I don't think John Wick was in Claws. No. So I'm going to take John Wick.

John Wick is a character. We're doing real people. We can't pick characters. We're casting a movie. Keanu Reeves? You can say Keanu. We're casting a movie. I got it.

All right. Daniel Day-Lewis. Whoa. There we go. Way different than John Wick. Way different. So how do you see him in the movie? Huh? Well, here's the thing.

If you do want to go with John Wick, Keanu was the cop in Point Break. True. Oh, yeah. So he could do that. So Daniel Lewis, is he the cop or is he the robber? He's going to be one of the robbers. Okay. Daniel Day-Lewis is one of the robbers.

I mean, he would obviously be one of the robbers. Okay. Daniel Davis is one of the robbers. He's going to be one of the robbers. There's no question about that. What? He would be amazing. Yeah, yeah. It's like picking Jordan. Yeah.

It's like, yeah. Okay. That's a great pick. He just seems like he's going to fall right in line with everything. He's going to make everybody understand. Did you guys see Phantom Thread? Haven't seen it yet. No.

I loved it. Just got the screener today. Saw it twice in theaters. Dude, so many movies today. It was so sick. My manager gets all my screeners. Why? This is relatable talk for the listeners.

My manager- Said to me at the arc line. Yeah, yeah. I was at Soho House with my manager picking up my screeners. I just murdered Paul at Veggie Grill. I don't know why, but I think because that's where I set my guild address, so all the mail goes there. And they didn't send them out until after the holidays. So today I got this.

Oh, there's no point, because the point is you give it to your family. You're like, look, I'm a hero. So I got all these movies. I got five of them before the holidays, and then the rest of them showed up today. Phantom Threat I saw with Matt for the first time, and it's just great. We were delighted. Really, really good. We have the same opinion about every movie.

It is very beautiful. If you have a nice TV at home, watch it. Otherwise, see it in theaters if you can. Get to the Arclight. Maybe we will. All right. Well, so here's my next pick. Not yet.

Not yet, it isn't. Oh, it's oh my god sorry sean sean are you mad no can you tell us any more about the character he's playing because he's gonna want to know yeah he needs to know he's gonna want to know way too much about i'm gonna let him play jazz i think i think he's gonna let me know what the character is gonna be like wow i just think he'd be great in a bank heist he's going to fall he's just going to fall right i mean he would kill it he would yeah it's hard to say he wouldn't kill it he would now we're going to need a driver oh yeah so i'm going to go ahead and pick uh vincent diesel vincenzo diesel as my driver that makes

sense although he's someone who's going to go rogue that's what you got to watch out with vin is he's uh this movie's going to fall apart, right? This movie's crazy. Daniel Day-Lewis and Vin Diesel in the same movie. You get what you pay for. $12 American, you're going to have a good time. Taraji P. Henson could be in a movie with Vin Diesel. He could be in a movie with Daniel Day-Lewis. But I can't see them being in a movie together for some reason. This is why people are going to go see it. I cannot imagine Daniel Day-Lewis and Vin Diesel talking to each other.

If a movie came out with Daniel Day-Lewis and Vin Diesel, tell me you wouldn't be like, I'm going to go check it out. Just out of morbid curiosity, like, what have they done? I just like the idea of him going, so Vin, how are you? No, when he talks to Daniel Day-Lewis, he goes, actually, it's Vincent. It's Vincent. Only D-Day calls him Vincent. Yeah.

Or is it Vincenzo? Vincenzo. Well, his real name isn't any of those things. Vin Diesel's real name. It's like, I think it's Vincent. Mark Sinclair. Mark Sinclair. Wow.

Mark Sinclair's in my movie. Okay, so my next pick yeah so i already have i have betty and i have al pacino okay okay really interesting movie wouldn't necessarily go see it at this point but i'll tell you what i would do the cop in the movie yeah is al pacino from heat whoa so now i want to see that movie because it's like they look they're 20 years apart but it's the same actor so this was a really incredible incredible vfx it's hard to make but you know what we made a tv show and that was impossible this is impossible yeah so split screens of al pacino 20 years in the. So Al Pacino, who doesn't want to see that movie now? I don't want to see it.

But also I think a lot of people would. Al, hunting down Al. And then there's like the transition stuff. There's a trans rights. There's Betty White. She's going to die in a few years. Like I feel like I'm setting up an,

I'm producing an excellent movie right now. Yeah. The marketing to me in my head right now is like a Eddie Murphy movie from the mid nineties. It's like Al Pacino and Al Pacino. yeah the marketing to me in my head right now is like a eddie murphy movie from the mid 90s it's like al pacino and al pacino and and betty white yeah right now it's it's feeling potentially like a broad dumb old people comedy yeah they're like robbing a bunch of millennials' houses. They're going back out there one more time. One more.

One last heist. Are there any more movie trailers where the people in it are delivered with a question mark? Movie trailers, they don't do that voiceover thing anymore in movie trailers. It's all audio from the movie. It is audio. And then also that weird, remember for like three years there was that big inception noise that was no matter what movie it was if you eddie murphy in what was popular for a while was like the noise a camera makes when the flash goes off.

That was kind of popular in movie trailers. Yeah, yeah. When it'd be like a horror movie, it'd be like. In fact, you can actually have. What started that? Did you guys think a camera was going off right there when I did that? Yeah, absolutely. Because it wasn't.

It was just me going. I thought it was Daniel Day-Lewis who had spent the three months with a camera. It was Texas Chainsaw Massacre that started it. Oh, duh. That's, yeah. Oh, yeah. that started it that's yeah oh yeah that started by the way i just saw that original movie for the first time and it is so fucking good i had never seen it i always thought it was like kind of a hokey dumb movie no dude it is so cool and yeah

and fucked up and crazy and dusty and funny yeah that house looks so gross oh my god those movies are so that's the scariest part to me is because Texas Chainsaw Massacre could happen. It's one of those horror movies that could definitely happen. And might be happening right now. And that movie ages well. Like it was made a long time ago,

but you don't, I'm not giving any credit for it being old. It just is still good. Yes. I agree 100%. Just how hot it looks is enough to scare me.

Yes. Yeah, it just looks like it's stressful. It looks like it's 95 and humid. I tensed up when I did that. I looked stressful and I flexed a little bit. I didn't even mean to do that.

You took your shirt off and you got on one of those inverted boards and started to sit up. I'm on my head right now. So Al Pacino from Heat, that's a good Al Pacino. That might be the last

really good Al Pacino. Yeah. Unless that was before. Well, I'm really excited for him to play Paterno coming up on the HBO series. Like Paterno who's senile. That is going to be interesting. He started playing. He like played Paterno.

Wait, is that really going to happen? Yeah. He plays Joe Paterno like after the scandal erupted. He plays a lot of – he's in a lot of HBO movies where he's just doing public figures who were shamed. Yeah. He did like Spectre. Yeah. He did like Spectre. He did Phil Spectre. And like De Niro did Bernie Madoff.

And it's like, what happened guys? Like how many kids do you have that we don't know about? Why are you saying yes to HBO films where you're just doing a shitty sort of... The title of the Bernie Madoff one was Suspect. The Wizard of Lies. Oh yeah, The Wizard of Lies. Oh, yeah. The Wizard of Lies.

I never actually watched it. I didn't either. It might have been totally great, but the title. It was boring, but I love all Madoff stuff. Like, it's like, yeah, evil Jew. Yeah. What did he do? Getting them back.

Yeah. By ripping off a lot of other Jews. Yeah. Didn't like Bill Maher lose money in that? Okay, I'm going to be honest right now. Because now I know it's not But I thought that your movie was going to be about a Madoff thing Where they like, it's a fantasy thing like Inglourious Basterds Where in the middle of the Madoff heist

All the Jews, the Jewish actors know what he's doing And they go and steal the money from Madoff That's a great idea And give it back to the Jewish foundation That's a better movie than the one that I have in my head. Which does have a theme which will unfold itself over the next couple of picks. Yeah. Okay.

But that would be a really fun movie. That's what I thought you were going to say. Ripped from the headlines. I like anything that's ripped from the headlines. Any corporate episode is going to be ripped from the headlines. Literally all of them. Literally all of them. Wednesdays.

We stole them. Wednesdays, 10 p.m. 10 p.m. on Company Central. That's right. Ripped from the headlines.m. 10 p.m. on Company Central. That's right. Ripped from the headlines. I'm going to throw another wild card in there. My cast is mostly wild cards. That's the name of the movie.

We're playing poker. We're playing Uno. I'm going all in without looking at my cards. Now, I might get vetoed on this. I'm not sure if this is legal or not. Okay. As my explosions expert, Wile E vetoed on this. I'm not sure if this is legal or not. Okay. Whoa. As my explosions expert. Okay.

Wile E. Coyote. Now, is that... I mean, I couldn't pick John Wick over here. Well, okay. I tried to pick John Wick, and he's a real dude. But it's animated. Can I get any leeway here? Is it a Who Framed Roger Rabbit situation?

Yes, it is. I think it works because Wile E. Coyote. Another middle name. E. It is another middle name e it is another i think it's fine because that person doesn't exist so therefore the only entity is while while e coyote right he can't draft mel blanc yeah you know and also what sean i do you want to veto it i don't i know no i say allow it I'll never yeah come on but I think that he would I mean it'd be fun because he'd be bad at it

so things would go badly and I have a question yeah do we know for sure that Wile E. Coyote is a man? no

is a male? have we ever thought about this? we have not and that's a great do we know for sure? Why would it be? Is there a dick in any of the animations? If you look closely, you can see a dick poking out between his legs.

In a lot of the cartoons, there is a visible penis. So I just mean this is interesting. Maybe he's a feminist icon. Wild E. Coyote. I've never thought about that. It could be Wilhelmina. That could be his... Yeah.

Wilhelmina Elizabeth Coy coyote peter coyote's grandmother uh it could be so i mean that really can like cast a new the roadrunner in a new life yeah why is she trying to kill him and is the roadrunner is a woman. Yeah, the Roadrunner is a woman, man. Who knows? If the Roadrunner is a man, then this is a story of a man constantly hurting a woman. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, tough. I'm trying to run away. Jeez.

Do you feel like the road that Wile E. Coyote was terrible at what he did, or was the Roadrunner just so good? Okay, let's really look into this because he what would wiley do or she do like paint fake tunnels onto walls but then try to run through it himself yeah herself my question is if while wiley never looked down would they have been fine keep flying just floating there is the problem the looking down? Yeah. That sounds like a song. Yeah, he or she was curious. The problem was the looking down. Well, anyway, I think as my explosions expert, Wiley.

That's a really solid choice. I have to hope that on the other team, they don't have Roadrunner or else. Although I'm casting this fucking thing. Are you worried about Neil deGrasse Tyson breaking the fourth wall and saying like a cartoon could never exist or like and then really explaining why a coyote could never work the plunger on a dynamite rick i'm gonna rain i'm directing this thing and i'm gonna rain neil in on that yeah okay cool cool cool you decided to direct i decided to direct yeah i fired the other director who was going to be michael bay lord and lord and and Miller have been let

go from the project. And I'm stepping in. Michael Bay doing Wile E. Coyote explosions? And also doing a ton of cocaine. Oh yeah, mostly cocaine. Maybe like a pound of blow before every scene. Michael fucking Bay. I'm watching that movie. Did you see when Michael

Bay was doing, he was doing some talk and the teleprompter stopped and he just walked off the stage. I saw that that movie. Did you see when Michael Bay was doing, he was doing some talk and the teleprompter, the teleprompter stopped and he just left. You just walked off the stage because he couldn't, you're like, dog, you can't talk for a second and just be, you just can't do it. And he's like, and he got all flustered and fucking left. You're like, dude, you direct blockbusters and you can't fucking talk to people for 10 seconds without a teleprompter. He was flying at that point. Huh? He was flying at that point. Well, that explained to me how much cocaine you did.

I'd love to hear that more than whatever he was talking about. Okay. Listen, so, uh, back to the cocaine. So I'm going to take, I'm going to,

it's, it's time for my, uh, third and then fourth pick. So I've taken Mel Brooks and Jeff Goldblum. Now, now I'm going to be taking former – in the movie, not in real life. But in the movie – and I know the politics are complicated. Look at me the whole time.

I know the politics are complicated. But in the movie – but we need – I need my sort of weapon slash explosion expert. And who I'm taking is former IDF military officer. Again, in the movie, not in real life. Maya Rudolph. Okay. Wait, what movie? She's not just in this movie.

She's a former IDF. She plays a former IDF officer. I love it. Yeah. Maya Rudolph, who is of Ashkenazi Jewish heritage. Just so we know. Her father, Ashkenazi Jew. Her mother, an is of Ashkenazi Jewish heritage, just so we know. Her father, Ashkenazi Jew. Her mother, an African American woman.

Minnie Riperton. Minnie Riperton, right? Exactly. And Le Fleur. Minnie Riperton, who might be making a cameo from beyond the grave. Yeah, okay. I like that a lot. Maya Rudolph is in there.

Yeah. A little more serious. Again, as they are playing Jews, there will be a humor to it, as we are a whimsical people. We're not whimsical. Anyway. We're something. We're something. Yeah.

I still don't really know what we are. We're a virus. Ian, you're whimsical. Jake is not whimsical. That's true. There's different kinds of Jews. I'm not whimsical, but I have some whimsy sometimes. You do.

Yeah. You can be playful. But then I get sad. There's a light in the jack-o'-lantern, even if it's burning. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, that's nice. Thank you.

Okay. Well, I'd love to know your next pick because I'm eager to find out the plot. Yeah. So we have Maya Rudolph. Yeah. Okay. Now I really got to, I got to be careful about this next pick. And these are all the robbers.

And we're all picking the cop. We're all picking the cop last year. We just kind of do it. I already picked my cop. Oh, you did? Oh, that's right. I did mine too. True story. Jesus. Neil all picking the cop. We're all picking the cop last year. We just kind of do it. I already picked my cop. Oh, you did? Oh, that's right. I did mine too. True story.

Jesus. Neil deGrasse. Oh, wait, no. I think you've only picked one. Well, I'm thinking of Ocean's Eleven. That's my archetype that I'm fitting into. So then Andy Garcia is sort of the cop. Neil deGrasse Tyson is Andy Garcia.

Oh. Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, that's interesting. Okay, let me... All right. I'm sorry this is taking so long. No, this is going to be the last...

It just seems like you really care. I do really care. I'm really invested in this movie. I'm actually going to try to get it made. I need kind of a face. I was going to take Jeff Goldblum, Jew. A lot of people don't know that. I knew that.

So instead, all right, I'm going to take... God, is my movie... It is. I like the thought. You care. I'm sorry. People are going to go. People are going to pay money to see this. So it's going to be fun.

I'm going to take, shit, I can't take him. All right, fuck it. I'm going to take Jonah Hill and I'm going to take, all right, fuck it.

I'm shit, fuck it. I'm taking Jonah Hill. Maya Rudolph is going to be the ringleader of the, she's going to be the top. She was a IDF. So Jonah Hill is going to be in there too. I'm doing kind of a skinnier Jonah Hill. Okay. And he's going to bicker with Jeff Goldblum a lot.

Side note on Twitter this week, after we did Seth Meyers, someone said, what's Jonah Hill's stunt double doing on the show about me? You're Jonah Hill's stunt double? That's what they thought. And I was like, I don't know what exactly that means, but we are connected. So I'm pro. Thank you. I'm looking at you right now and I'm holding Jonah Hill in my brain and I'm not really seeing the stunt double. I don't know, but I love it. You're not doughy enough to be a Jonah Hill stunt double.

I blocked the guy immediately, but then I actually don't remember. I'm like, wait, what did you mean? Like, is that good or bad? That's the thing. It might not be an insult, even though it seems like one yeah it was fun though anytime you're calling anyone blank stunt double that's it seems like an insult but also it's like but that means you're like in shape and can do shit right like that should be what it is are incredible people they're amazing they're so much tougher than i could ever be i would never be a stunt

double i'm a jew it is weird to be a stunt double or it's like a crazy career path you're gonna go hurt yourself and you have something you need to prove where's the you do yes where's the left turn in life where you're like and then i was a stunt double i think it seems like when you see the person when you see the person who looks exactly like you become more successful and you're like all right i guess i'll just uh i think it's when you get a gun on the eighth night of hanukkah you kill a man you. You're like, I like danger. Ooh, I'm Jonah Hill stunt double. I'll be fat Jonah Hill stunt double. You can be skinny Jonah Hill stunt double.

And that this will be our career in Hollywood. Uh, yeah. Jonah Hill. He's going to be kind of skinny. Almost. Uh, what's that movie where he played a gun runner?

Oh, he was, he was big in that though. Oh, was he big in that? Yeah. With, uh,

what's his, God damn it. With Miles Teller. Yeah. Super bad. Um, forget the name, but yeah, he was a in that, though. Oh, was he big in that? Yeah, with, goddammit, with Miles Teller. Super bad. Forget the name. But yeah, he was a bigger one in that. He was kind of skinny in 21 Jump Street. Okay, we'll do 21 Jump Street era, kind of Jonah Hill.

Okay. He's, there's gonna... War Dogs. Yeah, War Dogs. War Dogs, Jonah Hill. And I'll explain more when my fifth pick rolls around, but we're not there yet. Matt, it is time for your fourth pick. when my fifth pick rolls around but uh we're not there yet matt it is time for your fourth pick i'm gonna take julia louis-dreyfus as the as the sort of second in command to shaquille o'neal that's right i think that their dynamic would be wonderful to watch uh

I think that their dynamic would be wonderful to watch. And I think that Shaquille O'Neal would be pure confidence in the movie, similar to like George Clooney in Ocean's Eleven. Yeah. And Julia Louis-Dreyfus would be questioning everything he did and probably be seemingly be right a lot of the time. I love that dynamic, actually. Because Shaq could play that dumb confidence pretty well. That's exactly right. Yeah. Okay.

Extremely solid. play that dumb confidence yes pretty well that's exactly right yeah okay uh extremely solid while we're talking this if this movie gets made it's really the most incredible thing it's crazier than trump getting elected do we think just real quick about julia louis-dreyfus greatest american sitcom actor of all time i think probably i mean up there i think it's hard to say greatest because they're you could always argue what you think the greatest is. But you can't top her. You can't top her. Like, I mean, who's up? Wildly successful. Or three.

Avengers of Christine. Who's so up there? I mean, you have Ted Danson who's up there. Cheers. Becker was on TV. Do you consider Veep a sitcom? For this purpose, I guess I do. Because what about Lisa Kudrow? She's really the comeback in France.

I mean, just unreal. Yeah. Also amazing. For me personally, it's Julia Louis-Dreyfus. She's never been on screen. I always love watching her on screen. You're never bummed out she's there. No.

Yeah. She's perfect. She's fantastic. Yeah, I think it's her. I think Ted Danson's up there. And yeah, Lisa Kudrow's a great pick, too. Mm-hmm. From the ground up. That's a different. Have you done that draft? No, we haven She's perfect. She's fantastic. Yeah, I think it's her. I think Ted Danson's up there. And yeah, Lisa Kudrow's a great pick too. That's a different. Have you done that draft?

No, we haven't done that. Okay. That'd be a good draft. That'd be a good draft. Don't say any more. Yeah. As a shameless plug for corporate, I'm going to pick Lance Reddick. Oh, I like this.

Lance Reddick is a CEO on corporate. He's also been in The Wire. He was in Lost Fringe. He usually plays the cop. And so I'm going to put him as a robber because he's very intense and brings this unbelievable intensity to his performances. But I'd like to flip it on its head a little bit and have him play one of the bad guys. He plays kind of a bad guy in corporate and he does an amazing job. And I think he could bring that intensity to my heist movie.

What is that like working with somebody who is on The Wire? It's intimidating. Well, part of the horrible and good thing, you hire someone who's so much better than you that it makes you look terrible in comparison, but you look like a genius for casting him. And you have to constantly check yourself from going, so in this episode of The Wire, what was it like? What is David Simon like? Do you like me?

You know, like that kind of stuff. It's very intense. I think that because we do comedy, he's not as used to acting in comedy. So he is still trying to make sure. He's not as confident as he should be because he's so good. But no, you're aware of what a fraud you are the whole time. I would be so in my own head. He could have could have told you about john wick too that's right both john wicks yeah what is he in john wick he is a hotel oh he is that's right he's the yeah yeah

true god what a fucking what a fun catalog he's he's deville right in uh the hampton deville he's christian deville yeah he is also he said Keanu's a nice guy, just so you know. That's good. I like that. I want Keanu. Keanu seems- I've heard Keanu had a rough shake, man. He did.

I hear some bad shit happened to that guy. I've heard good things too. I've heard that he's a good person, yeah. Who did I meet who was the nicest guy ever? Hugh Jackman. Oh, really? That makes sense. Gigantic sweetheart.

He seems like another professional celebrity where he does it exactly right. So amazing at it. Yeah. He, cause we did a thing with him with Corden and the two of them just geeked out about Broadway for like 15 minutes. It was watching like two high school drama nerds talk. It was amazing.

I don't know if I can get behind the new PT Barnum movie. I haven't seen it. I've only seen the trailer, but I was like, what the fuck are we talking about? I'll go with my mom yeah it just or just like why are we painting the dude who invented the circus as like a man of the people i know the guy who's a sucker born every minute yes right yeah and it's like an inspirational movie about him i don't know about that yeah and now that

the movie's out there like a lot of the songs in it sound like if Imagine Dragons did a Broadway show. Oh, yeah. Okay. And like in the ways that sometimes that's a good thing. Imagine Dragons. Imagine. And then you're like kind of pissed that you like it, but then a lot of them are like pretty bad songs too. Lance Reddick from The Wire.

Shameless plug for corporate, but he's such a good actor and he deserves more. I'm casting the two of you as the cop with my last pick. Sean Patrick Jordan, it's time for your fourth and then your final pick as well. Crazy. So, my fourth pick is tricky to pronounce

his name. He's The Mountain from Game of Thrones. It's Hough pronounce his name. He's the mountain from Game of Thrones. Oh. It's Hothpor Julius Bjornsson, I believe. I want to say. Bjornsson. I'm looking it up. I mean, I'm looking at it, but that's his name. I just didn't want to mess it up.

But it's just because he's huge, and he's just going to stand there, and he's going to be like everyone when they think about doing something, they're going to see him, and they're going to be like, yeah, no. I guess I won't do that thing. All right, I guess I'm just going to chill, and he's going to be like everyone when they think about doing something, they're going to see him and they're going to be like, yeah, no. I guess I won't do that. All right. I guess I'm just going to chill because that guy is standing by the door. Oh, yeah. His name is complicated.

It's a thrill ride. And he, I feel like when everyone else is leaving, there's a situation and he's like, I'm going to stay behind. I'll handle it. And then he holds court in the streets. Oh, he's the guy who walks towards the fire. Like in those national guard conventions. He's like, you guys go out and I'll handle this. Because he's ready to die. Yeah. You know,'s the guy who walks towards the fire. Like in those National Guard commercials. I'll handle this because he's ready to die.

Yeah. You know, Linda left like a year ago. Linda. He hasn't seen the kids. Even before Linda left, he didn't really have a great relationship

with the kids. He's a thick cut of meat, that guy. He's fucking huge. He moved this crazy like tree somewhere, but it hasn't been moved in years.

It's like Sword in the Stone shit. In Iceland. It's just been sitting there in Iceland. Did people want him to move this tree? Yeah. It's a thing. It was an old Viking legend where this massive tree had been in this place and only the truest Viking warriors could move it.

Yeah. And then it hadn't been moved in centuries, right? And he moved it like three just tiny little steps. Yeah, he fucking picked it up and moved it. It's insane. It is insane. He is 6'9 and weighs 420 pounds. He's 6'9?

He's 6'9. Seriously. That's why also he's not getting in the getaway car. Vin Diesel is driving that man nowhere. He does have to. You would literally have to drive away in the brinks truck with him in the back so that guy he has to stay behind yeah that's and he can take some bullets you know he makes sure everybody else gets out of there yeah i thought hold on i didn't know that he's way bigger than i thought he's gigantic and he had bell's palsy for a minute and speaking of

o'neill the one i for some reason, I used to collect basketball cards. And so I have the weight and height of Shaquille O'Neal memorized at like a certain point in his career. And it was, I think, 7'1", 300 pounds. Yeah, that's what he said he was. And so he was, yeah. Definitely weighed more than that. Definitely said he was. Yeah.

But yeah, 7'1", 300, no way. That's right. That's a lie. Because if this dude's 6'9", 420. Right. Yeah. I mean, I'm 6'1", 200. Yeah. But yeah, 7'1", 300, no way. That's right. That's a lie. Because if this dude's 6'9", 420. Right. Yeah. I mean, I'm 6'1", 200. Yeah.

Throw another foot on me. Come on. Throw another foot and just muscle, too. Yeah. Okay. So here it was as well. He also smashed a thousand-year-old Icelandic record. Man.

I'm trying to read. So somebody a thousand years ago pick that thing up as good as it has it took 50 mere mortals to place the 10 meter long log on him anyway this i this is a poorly written story i mean he did he like you can watch the video he did just like pick this thing up barely moved it but he still had it up it It looks fucking insane. It looks like a full tree. What's his name again? Hofthor Bjornsson. There we go. Hofthor Bjornsson. So he's in your movie,

The Mountain, and who's the final person? I gotta pick a cop and I'm going Bruce Willis is gonna be my cop. Oh, coming to the coast. He's very serious. He's got a very serious vibe to him. Bruce Willis is going to be my cop. Oh, come out to the coast. He just, he's a very serious, he's got a very serious vibe to him. Bruce Willis?

Yeah, he just seems like a cop. You're guaranteeing box office results. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I want to make some money. I want to retire on this movie. And then the rest of the movies I make are going to be all about skateboarding. Boy, Daniel Day-Lewis is just sticking out

like a sore thumb in this cast. Yeah, what is Daniel doing here? At least Taraji P. Henson's not sticking out. It's Daniel Day-Lewis that's sticking out like a sore thumb in this cast. Yeah, what is Daniel doing here? At least Taraji P. Henson's not sticking out. It's Daniel Day-Lewis that's sticking out. He's sticking out like a claw and a thumb. Yeah, because also imagine, I can't imagine Bruce Willis speaking to Daniel Day-Lewis. No, I like to think of all of them

eating like buffalo wings at lunch together. Like they all have to be on set that day. No, I don't. They don't have trailers for some reason. That would upset me to see that. That would ruin like my visions of all of these men. Vindy's. Sloppy buffalo wings.

We're talking about Daniel Day-Lewis who spoke at a higher register for like four months while they were filming Lincoln. All the time. All the time. We were talking about this. Do you think that was a little too high for Lincoln? I did as well. Really took me out of it yeah way too high it was very very high and very soft now i think that that was based on that's apparently how we really talked yeah that's what you hear but that it but it was a thing where it was like immediately distracting yeah he fucked up as an actor he did yeah fuck daniel day lewis fuck daniel day lewis yeah also my left foot not

interested don't want to watch it what about your right foot yeah put that movie how about my right foot's out the door i got one foot out the door in my left their whole body ben diesel in every movie his big beautiful body he doesn't even know what a stunt double is ben diesel's that guy's an interesting guy oh yeah yeah i don't even think we can talk about how interesting he is. I don't think we can talk about it. I don't think we're allowed to do that. Let's not reveal too many secrets in this podcast. Let's not.

And, of course, what we're referring to is his proclivity for Dungeons & Dragons. Very interesting. The first part. So that's your final pick. That's your team. Yes. Do you want to talk to us about the movie, or do you want to wait until the end of this round? I'm going to wait until the end of the round.

Okay, that's what I thought. Jake Wise, what is your final pick? All right, I've thought a lot about this, and my mind has changed a few times since Sean chose his last two people, and I'm going to go with Al Pacino and Scent of a Woman. Oh, okay. Yeah, because I want someone who needs to be led somewhere,

like this unnecessary complication for the movie where it's like he's blind, right? He's blind in the movie, right? He is blind, yeah. And I want him to be, he's the expert smeller and the movie that they're,

the movie they're, in this movie, the money has a particular scent and he can sniff it out. And he's also a problem. He's old. It adds to these complications, especially in the third act, are they going to get away?

The answer is they get away. Wow. So Al Pacino's in it three times. Really tricky camera work. Thank God for the advances in cinematography. There's so many advances. And it'll make it to AFI's top 100 and it'll actually be worth it.

I mean, it's already in there three times. I love this movie. He gets paid three separate times. I like that. Three checks for Pacino. Yeah. Three paychecks outside of Ebbing, Missouri. Back when Napster was first around and you would just download everything, I got into a jag for some reason where I would just download movie quotes.

Yeah. One of which was Al Pacino's speech. Oh, the audiophile speech? If you wanted to be a DJ that would be amazing. Because I had Fruity Loops too and I would put Fruity Loops was like you could make beats and I

would put Al Pacino quotes over techno and show people like, check this out. And they'd be like, dude, that's so make beats oh yeah uh and like i would put al pacino quotes that makes perfect sense yeah yeah and show people like check this out yeah and they'd be like dude that's so cool uh but i downloaded son of a woman like a bunch of those quotes and like that is really when pacino lost it that's like when he went like became like al pacino i want this movie to be so bad and confusing that people are sure it's a masterpiece. So like the real heist is Al Pacino's soul. Like that's what's going on. The real heist is him getting three checks for this movie.

Yeah. Yeah. I take a flamethrower to this place. It's that movie. I also remember he says, Eugene, Oregon. He says Oregon wrong. Oh, he says Oregon? Yeah. In what?

Incentive of a woman? Because he's talking about your boy, Chris O'Donnell? Might wrong. Oh, he says Oregon? Yeah. In what? Instead of a woman? Instead of a woman. Because he's talking about your boy, Chris O'Donnell? No, is that- Definitely my boy. Is that who's in it? Yeah, yeah. Is that the kid? Yeah, Chris O'Donnell.

Definitely. Yeah. How he's from this, this poor boy from Eugene, Oregon. Where is it? Oh, yeah. I want to give Al Pacino some acting tips. I want him to come to my acting class. Yeah.

He just needs to turn it down a little bit. The volume got stuck high and it blew out his ears. Yeah, the first class would just be me taping a volume knob to his forehead and then turning it down. And then just turn it. Oh, sorry. Sorry about that. Yeah, the quote. Here's the whole quote.

I'm just going to do it. I'm just going to do it. Are'm just gonna do it i'm just gonna do it are you gonna do it al pacino out of order i'll show you out of order you don't know what out of order is mr tresk i'd show you but i'm too old i'm too tired i'm too fucking blind if i were the man i was five years ago i'd take a flamethrower to this place out of order who the hell do you think you're talking to i've've been around, you know. There was times I could see, and I have seen, boys like these, younger than these, their arms torn out, their legs ripped off.

But there is nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit. There's no prosthetic for that. You think you're merely sending this splendid foot soldier back home to Oregon with a tail between his legs? But I say you are executing his soul. And why? Because he's not a bad man. Bad man. You hurt this boy.

You're going to be bad bums. The lot of you. And Harry, Jimmy, Trent, wherever you are, fuck you too. And then they're like, out of order, out of order. Well, and actually, I should have mentioned this. That speech is in the movie. It's in the movie. Yeah.

Okay, good. It's in the movie. They don't even know the bank's being robbed yet. Yeah. He just walks in and in the movie. Yeah. Okay, good. It's in the movie. They don't even know the bank's being robbed yet. Yeah. He just walks in and starts doing that. Yeah. And then Betty's like, shut up.

And then they move on. Yeah. Thank you for sitting through. I actually use this podcast as kind of a voice acting reel. Yeah. It was one of a lot of great times. I loved it. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. It was fantastic. The listeners like it when I do full Al Pacino quotes. All right. I think anybody does. Matt, it's time for your final pick. My final pick, and I want to give a backup just in case she's not available or isn't into doing it,

but it's Roseanne Barr as the driver. Okay. That's a wonderful idea. She's foul-mouthed and is not a good driver at all. Stopping at red lights when you're trying to get away. She follows all the rules.

Hurry up! Yeah, she's impatient. She leaves for a while. Oh, I think that's a brilliant choice for the driver. Roseanne, she's turned into quite the character. Oh, yeah. I had to block on Twitter. I saw that.

Yeah, she does not like Jews very much. She doesn't? Yeah, she said so. She's a Jew. Yeah. She doesn't like Jews. Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, I'm sorry. I made fun. Oh, oh please she's in your mood she's fine i i mean i i was like fuck her on twitter and then i deleted it because it's like whatever i mean she whatever but like she when the alt-right was attacking me for making fun of ivanka trump she like jumped on and sent a bunch more people she she's one of those actually to talk seriously about her she's kind of like now that i understand comedy more and that people just choose angles for economics yeah just in terms of like she was like kind of one of the original sort of like transgressive comedians who would just say horrible shit because no one else was saying it yeah she saw an angle and says it she's a fucking insane person but so brilliantly horrible really and now she lives that yeah and now she

became that thing which is like what a a lot of New York comedians are doing now. You know what I mean? Just like, they're just, they're like, oh no, maybe the white nationalists are right. And I'm going to talk about it, but it's just an economic thing that they end up becoming. They have, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have some points. Yeah.

They take a corner on a block. Right. That's what, for as big of a scumbag as he is, Owen Benjamin, I was like, when is somebody going to make that leap? By the way, I talked about Owen Benjamin recently on a Libertarian podcast. His listeners heard me say it because I don't like him. But I was like, he's clearly just choosing an angle because that's the money he wants to make. And his listeners got so mad.

He got mad. A couple of people threatened to kill me. And it was awesome. But his people are the worst and he's the worst little bear emojis yeah yeah it's like you have a bear emoji and you think this this is your life imagine someone going to prison for life for killing you over owen whose website is huge pianist yeah like he's like i'm a i speak the truth keyboard comedian the worst human now the backup i was gonna say yes to rosanne is ian carmel oh my god as the driver i think

he has a virtuoso talent did you see him driving here i'd love to is that why you chose him oh my god we were running late i was my fault sean took a shower when we should have been leaving completely my fault and uh and i drove i we should have been leaving. Completely my fault. And I drove like crazy here. I shaved eight minutes off our Google Maps, which is tricky. I am the wheel man. And it's calm too, and the music was loud, and it's like driving

kind of with two fingers, one of these. But you're driving like a maniac? Like crazy. Two chains. Selena Gomez. Justin Timberlake. The new Timberlake song.berlake song It's not bad He's good This is a safe room for Justin Timberlake

Hopefully every room is a safe room He makes good appropriated music And it's great It's fantastic Also Bruno Mars, that new Bruno Mars song You like it more than me I love it so much. Okay.

Either me or Roseanne, whoever's available. That's right. I'll see if I can get time off work. I'd love to do it. That'd be great. What is it? So we know your movie is kind of a comic?

Ocean's Eleven. It's a Holocaust drama that involves a theft. It's not funny at all. It is inside me. So yeah, I mean, I think the plot of it is, I guess it's a comedy of errors because it's not going to go well for anybody. Nothing is going to happen like it was planned,

but in the end, they'll get the gold. I feel like Jack comes out on top no matter what. Yeah. Okay, it's time for me to make my final pick. That's right. So I have to pick my police officer or Interpol officer as it was. I'm taking Christoph Waltz. Oh, nice.

The previously discussed. And Christoph Waltz is going to be playing a Swiss Interpol officer who's trying to stop this team of Jewish bank robbers from breaking into a secret swiss bank vault that has a bunch of nazi gold stolen from the jews in it wow they break in and take it inside man s it's inside man s it is but it's in switzerland in those fucking banks with uh i love that mel brooks jeff gold um jeff gold bloom maya rudolph jonah hill trying to get this gold back. Christoph Waltz trying to stop him. Kind of comic, but also a little serious. Can I add a plot point?

Yes. Christoph Waltz is one-sixteenth Jewish, just like Hitler was. Oh, I like that. And that's like a deep shame for him. Yeah. So it's this huge conflict whether to stop him or let him go. He probably has – if we're doing this like a Coen Brothers level comedy – And we are.

Yeah, and we are. He has a tiny little Hitler shrine in his kind of too small apartment that he talks to all the time. And he can only come when he looks at it, but he feels bad. He feels bad! Because Hitler wouldn't like that. He feels bad! It's over here.

He's masturbating forward, but kind of like looks over just like at the end of the last minute. God, I wish I'd never started this. Yeah. Yeah, I'd love to see that movie. I think it be fun i think it's almost rom-com-esque it would it would be there'd be there'd be a little romantic actually good movie yeah i think it could i think it yeah i think it'd be okay i'm thinking about my movie and i'm thinking about your movie and they're both i see the marquee for both yeah I'm going to your movie.

The marquee and the poster is just Daniel Day and Vin Diesel at Buffalo Wild Wings. They've got sauce all over their shirts. There are five wildly different kinds of people at my movie because they all went to see the one specific person and then they're all furious.

Have you thought about what the plot of your movie is at all? I mean, I was trying, I think it's just, I think it's just a bad movie. Okay. I mean, I think,

I think the director had some ideas when he was casting everyone, when they were casting everyone and they were like, well, I guess, you know, none of these ideas

are going to happen. Still going to make the movie. We got funding. We're going to make it. We're going to see, we're going to power through. Then it comes out. Tons of people go to see it. None of them like are going to happen. Still going to make the movie. We got funding. We're going to make it. We're going to see. We're going to power through. Then it comes out. Tons of people go to see it.

None of them like it. Imagine getting Daniel D'Luz to come out of retirement for this movie. He goes out with like a perfect BT Anderson movie and comes back for Buffalo Wild Wings, the heist. Yeah, nobody said they're robbing a bank. They're robbing a Buffalo Wild Wings. They're robbing a Buffalo Wild Wings. They're getting that extra blue cheese.

Just one wing. One wing. I want a free wing. They're trying to prove a point with this. They don't want money. I eat your Buffalo wing. They want something for free. I eat your Buffalo wing.

My phone goes all the way. There was a heist movie that came out last year, Logan Lucky. Yep. Which I saw on an airplane, which wasn't terrible. It was okay. It was not terrible. It was all right.

I thought it was pretty fun. Anyway, so that concludes the draft. Solid draft. Solid draft. Just to recap, Sean Jordan, you led off,

and you took Taraji P. Henson, who we all love in claws, Daniel Day-Lewis, Vincent Diesel, Hoffpore Bjornsson, and then Bruce Willey. Getting silly. Jake, you went second.

You took Betty White, Al Pacino from Dog Day Afternoon, Al Pacino from Heat, Lance Reddick from Corporate, Wednesday's 10 o'clock Comedy Central. There it is. And then Al Pacino from Scent of a Woman. Matt, you went third and took Neil deGrasse Tyson, Shaquille O'Neal, Wile E. Coyote. When you say them all in a row, it makes it sound... It's my favorite part because you're like, holy shit, this is ridiculous. What have I done? Julia Louis-Dreyfus, French shipping heiress, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, by the way.

Oh, really? Do you guys not know that? Oh, so real quick, one last aside. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was fabulously wealthy before snl or anything for her she's the heir to a french shipping fortune yeah uh and then rosanne barr or me if rosanna's not available and then i went last and took mel brooks jeff goldblum maya rudolph jonah hill and then christoph waltz yeah and uh and those those are the draft i mean we we'd say who we left on the board but there were so many people

I almost took there's a lot of Jews in Hollywood there was a big pool for me to pick I almost put Eric Andre in there that's a really solid Jew he could rob the fuck out of a bank yeah so that's

the draft we had some good picks Yeah. He could rob. Yeah. He could rob the fuck out of a bank. Yeah. So that's, so that's the, that's the draft. It was tight. We had some good picks. Thank you guys so much for coming over and doing the podcast. Again, you can, you can thank Jake and Matt for this early AFE drop.

Why? Make sure you watch corporate. I sincerely, it is so fucking funny. Yeah. You guys made such a fun show. I'm so happy for you. We love it. Thank you.

Thanks, guys. Yeah. And so watch Corporate and also tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Shclackity. There it is. There it is. Hopefully David will be back soon.

Ha ha ha. that was a hate gun podcast