All Fantasy Everything - Casting a Mob Movie (w/ Mike Mulloy, Zak Toscani and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: April 20, 2017

Leave the gun, take the All Fantasy Everything. On this episode we're coming up with our own mob movie and drafting the actors (and some non-actors) of our choosing. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Mike Mulloy, Zak Toscani and Sean Jordan. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. The podcast that cranks the submarine into, you know how they have those weird crank things on the submarines? And it goes from stop all the way to that go one. And it's just flying through the ocean, the depths of the ocean, hurtling towards the deep, the deep, dark unknown. Easily 20,000 leagues under the sea, if not 23,000 leagues under the sea.

And then it throws a human being into the torpedo hatch. And that human being is you. And it launches you out into the water, and as you're going through the water, you pause for a second, you look at the world around you, and you think,

wow, what if we drafted some of this stuff? It's all fantasy everything, Lance and Jill. Today, we are drafting mob movies movies as you saw in the description of the podcast we are casting we're not drafting mob movies we are casting a mob movie just like a gangster movie and and to do so we have brought in podcast podcast uh regular i wouldn't even say co-host at this point sean jordan how you doing sean i'm doing fantastic at sean s jordan on twitter sean cougar melon jordan on instagram damn right what do you uh anything to plug how host at this point, Sean Jordan. How you doing, Sean? I'm doing fantastic. At SeanSJordan on Twitter. SeanCookerMelonJordan on Instagram. Damn right. Anything to

plug? How you doing? I'm good, man. Nothing, you know. You're wearing shorts? Whatever. Yeah, I got shorts in the studio, dude. Throw me in the booth. It's getting hot in here. You have good legs, though. You should wear shorts more often. Not that you shy away from shorts. There's a gigantic divot in one of them from a skateboard accident. Maybe I'll post it on Twitter so everybody

can see it. Let everyone see that divot do you ever do anything with do you ever keep anything in there like at a party you can keep some mixed nuts in your leg divot that's where I kept the last memory of Nicole Ford the girl that ruined me and then my leg got cut open and it went flying out so I'm good now

what about shows wise anything coming up Brett go see the Bridgetown comedy festival in portland oh yeah uh and come to this live because oh yeah we're doing this live at bridgetown i think it's going to be on the sunday yeah may 7th yeah may 7th so we're going to do this and we're going to get on an airplane i'll be on my my fourth day of staying up till five in the morning i will be it's going to be a bad it's going to be bad i'll tell you the listeners right that that right now it'll be terrible real buck yeah we'll do b12 shots we'll take everybody up for b12 shots before i might

still be awake uh joining joining sean and i is a returning returning champion and kimono dragon inventor zach tuscani yeah how's it going no good at zach tuscani on twitter is that right yeah and on the k instagram with an I. Yeah. Yeah. And on Instagram. What's new with you, my friend? Oh, not much. Just enjoying living in Marina Del Rey, enjoying the sunshine. Marina Del Rey.

You live at the beach. It's awesome. I know. It's very nice. It's a living room. It's a living. You know what? It's a living room.

It's a living room. You know? It's a living room. You did that back in the day. You lived, you've been on a couch before. Oh, yeah. A little big. Yeah. It's not really rock bottom. It's very comfortable. It's soft. room you know yeah you did that back in the day you lived you've been on a couch before oh yeah big i'm yeah it's not really rock bottom it's very comfortable it's soft it's a soft rock bottom it's rock bottom but there's so many throw pillows down there you can hardly tell yeah you you the

way you live is what people think of when they think of la like crash on a couch but in a dope neighborhood yes it's a very nice neighborhood the only problem is that we have a balcony yeah and it's very nice to feel like the the breeze of the sea but it faces a business oh no like a cubicle business so i can't just sit out there and smoke weed shirtless like i want to right because like daryl's hating on you from behind he's doing it again that guy's doing it again steve get over here i mean you can you're choosing not to you're letting that man it was to wear a kimono yeah why are you letting him stand in your way smoke weed on the mouth yeah wear a kimono and just pet a dragon and smoke weed i love that blow it out stare at daryl that's all i ever want we'll get we'll get you one of those guys who took a job at a cell

phone kiosk right out of high school we put pipes you know what i mean we're like he got he has like 280 he bought a 280 pipe and like at that mean we're like he got he's like 280 he bought a 280 pipe and like at that age you're like holy shit this guy's really living but like now you realize it's sad yeah like the 7-eleven gandalf ass pipes like they had it looks like a calliope and shit like it's all blown glass he got it it's like got a gargoyle on it yeah he got it from the 7-eleven slash bong shop yeah it's like, I go in there every day. I'm going to buy this. He has that and a sword, but also an unframed poster on his wall. That's why I love going to bodegas over regular 7-Eleven.

It's because the impulse buys are bongs, knives, brass knuckles. Obama portraits. Yeah. There was a gas station I went to. They had a $70 framed photo of Kevin Durant, but with OKC. That's crazy. Yeah. That price has to come down.

It has to come down. That has to come. The bodega by our crib, the fake circle K. The one where you got the apricot rope? Yeah, the walnut rope. They got some crazy. If we have any Armenianmenian listeners it's an armenian grocery store is the only reason i'm asking if we have any armenian listeners

will you tell us if i either these people are crazy or the walnut rope is a thing it was an apricot and it was like yeah it was like rubber it's gnarly yeah what like the aftertaste was really the only pleasant part it tasted okay but it felt like eating a condom full of dog shit. And I'm sorry that that's a gross description, but that's exactly what it felt like. That was the consistency of it. If I would have eaten it in a blindfold, I'd be like, yeah, just some nuts. Right. With something else.

When you lead with apricot, I thought it would be very overwhelming. It was very subtle apricot flavor. It was one of those things that's super greasy, but then then when you let go of it there's no grease on your hands for some reason like where did it all go like the grease just comes off with it yeah no not until it's in your body you know anyway let us know man our fourth guest today stand-up stand-up comedian comedy writer mike malloy hello everybody how are you friend of aforementioned friend of the podcast. You've come up a few times, finally joining us on the podcast.

Glad to be here. The dude, at FakeMikeMalloy on Twitter. And the gram. And on the Instagram. Trying to be more active on the gram. Hit him in the DM. Exactly. Please let him do it for the gram sometimes.

What do you have to do? Anything to plug? Not Bridgetown. Mike didn't get into Bridgetown. Not that. It's a sore subject. Mike's not a good... Mike, he's bad at comedy,

so I didn't invite him. Let's just say the business doesn't love me back yet. It just doesn't feel the same way about me. Well, let's say you still flirt with the business. We're doing a little finger flirt. We're talking.

We're figuring it out. You're talking to Knuckle in the business? Yeah, exactly. We're figuring it out. Vulgar. That was it. It's always grosser? We're figuring it out. Vulgar. That was it. It's gross.

It's always grosser than I realize that it sounds. Vulgar. I'm just playing a character over here. That's gross. What else is going on? Well, we had On Deck this weekend. Oh, yeah. Fun time at Meltdown.

I couldn't make it because of a gout scare. Yeah, but the boy, Sean, stepped up. Sean killed it. It was so fun, man. I've been telling people it's the best show. I wish somebody told Bridgetown because they passed on us. They said no. It's a very popular festival, Mike, and there'll be no slander of it here on the podcast.

No, no, no. I would love for them to maybe change their mind next year. Yeah, next year. This is the last one. But one day. It was a fun show. I foresee plenty of festivals having On Deck. On. But one day... It was a fun show. I foresee plenty of festivals having On Deck.

On Deck is great. It's such a fun show. Yeah, I mean, that's kind of the reason that we built it is for festivals. So we think so too. Because it's good.

It's got a theme. I didn't realize until somebody came up and they're like, so you're cool with the theme of the show? And I'm like, just, you know,

tell jokes, right? And they're like, kind of. And they just had to walk me through. But it's so cool. You get like three minutes and three comics do three minutes a piece three times so it's like nine innings essentially right yeah well it's supposed to it's just 27 minutes total so you

guys can i mean however many jokes you tell in that amount of time is just in the dynamic i love the dynamic of because like the comedians trading off yeah and it kind of gives people like a little bit of time to like if they hear something else that sparks a joke that they used to do i mean it doesn't have to happen it pretty much happened the whole time i was doing it yeah something else it's like a stand-up cypher it's fun yeah yeah exactly i i actually have stuff to plug too if i will be uh starting today when you hear this i'll be at the moon tower comedy festival in aust Austin, Texas. You can find my schedule on Moon Tower's website. I'm doing a bunch of shows. And then again, two weeks after that, at the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.

Doing a live one of these. Doing a live one of these and a bunch of stand-up. And I have tour dates coming up in Wilmington, North Carolina, Toronto, Canada. The one Toronto. The one Toronto. You're not supposed to pronounce the second T. That's what I heard. Toronto. Toronto. Like that. Is that correct? Yeah. Canada the one Toronto the one Toronto you're not supposed to pronounce the second T is what I heard Toronto

Toronto like that is that correct yeah thumbs up from our producer who is from Toronto uh huh

and then uh I think later this summer at uh Montreal just for laughs so keep an eye out for that shit go to my website

www.iancarmel.company and you can just shorten that to com and your browser will know what to do uh is that what the com stands for probably it could be communication commerce could be commerce could be communist i always thought it was calm uh could be compact presario like the computer it could be yeah yeah the very one. Should we keep riffing on what the com could be? Nah, nah. Like, but not funny riffing.

Nah. Nah. Nah. Well, then, let's get to the podcast. Yeah. Now, to determine the draft order, you three gentlemen will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. How does a draft?

It's a serpentine draft. Sort of like. A snake. It's snakes. Okay. So if you have the fourth pick in the first round, you also have the fifth pick. Yeah. The first pick in the second round.

Sports Malloy, he gets it. Sports Malloy gets it. Yeah. Mike Malloy over here, he don't understand. All right. So the three of you will play rock, paper, scissors. The winner determines the order. Again, if it's a tie, you throw again.

If you all throw something different, you throw again. Basically, you win by having the unique rock, paper, scissors. Here we go. One, two, three, shoot, right? Yep. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Do we have. One, two, three, shoot, right? Yep. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Do we have a winner? Oh! Sean Jordan!

Alright. No, no, no. The two years I say it's a modified game. It's a modified game. I'm sorry if that would have changed your strategy. Okay. Zach's first. Oh! Zach Toscani. Mike is second. Okay. You're third. I'm fourth. You said earlier, I'm happy to do it, but you were like, I'm going to go third if I

can help it. I know, but I didn't want to. I thought about that, and I would have to put an X, because I don't want Mike going first, because it's his first time. Yeah. And I don't want to have it not go in a circle. So that means me going fourth. America's sweet boy.

Yeah, I try. This is the second time you've made me go first. It's a good thing. You get to get your fucking weird picks out right away before anybody else steals them. Yeah, your weird last... Regular listeners will remember that last time you just picked a bunch of Republicans for your entourage and then a lizard. Is Sully Republican?

And then a lizard. I'm sure Sully is. Yeah, Sully is definitely Republican. He definitely is now, you know. Zach Toscani, you have the first pick in the cast of Mob Movie, All Fantasy Everything. Okay. Yup. So, first pick, I just want Mob Movie, All Fantasy Everything. Okay. Yup. So first pick, I just want to go with someone who's going to elevate the material, always brings it.

Yup. A lot of Mob Movies, there's going to be a lot of yelling. So I kind of went with like a really good yeller, classic yeller, Samuel L. Jackson. Sure. Samuel L. Jackson. Yes. Samuel L. First pick. He's coming up. Yeah. He'll be the first pick. He can be a role player.

He can be the main actor. He can do it all. Now let me ask you, going into it, do you have an idea for the movie you want? I'm kind of figuring it out as we go. He's great for that, yeah, because he can play any role. He can be the hero. He can be a supporting character. He can be the bad dude, as we saw in Kingsman.

You guys fuck with Kingsman? I fell asleep halfway through it. Why? Because it wasn't very good. I loved Kingsman. It was so dope. I love that stupid, stupid movie. Just his outfits alone, Sam Jackson, were dope. He matched so heavy in that.

Unbreakable, he was also the villain. Mr. Glass. He was in Goodfellas. He was, yeah. Stats? What was his name? Oh, yeah. Stats Stops, I don't know, something.

But yeah, he's a chameleon, which you'll probably pick later, a chameleon. He got killed in Goodfellas because he got laid instead of taking the car back he went and took his money and uh had premarital sex which is probably the main reason he got killed because deserve i didn't see a wedding ring on that dead man's finger he works so much yeah he really does yeah he's not one of those one for me one for them he's just like one for yeah everything for everybody yeah and he does commercials and has probably some of the most gritty dialogue in the movies.

That is true. Yeah. He's separated himself from his characters somehow. Because he talks some gnarly shit in movies. Yeah. And then he's out there like Capital One. His Capital One ads feel like an attack. They feel like an assault on your financial stability.

Like, what are you doing with yourself that you don't have a Capital One card? I'm like, I just don't. I'm living my life over here. I just don't have one. I'm sorry. I don't have a leather Kangol either. Can I have that next? I'm trying to live my life over here, Sam.

A cornucopia of leather Kangols. Did I use cornucopia right? Yeah, Sam. Well, it depends. A bunch of colors? A cornucopia of leather Kangols. Did I use cornucopia right? Yes. Well, it depends. A bunch of colors? A cornucopia is one of those little cones. It's a wicker cone. Yeah.

That still lights. Stuff some leaves in there. Different colors. Give it a little ambiance. I thought a cornucopia meant the spectrum of colors. No, that's a spectrum. No, that's a chrome. Chromicopia? that's a chrome. Chromucopia? Chromucopia.

Yeah, something chrome. Chromutopia. Let's move on. I don't want to focus on my lack of education. Chromutopia of cornucopias, which is like a grip of different colored cornucopias. My uncle Mark wears Kangol hats. Does he? If you just take a stab, he's not an older black man.

Does he wear bowling shirts, too? What does he pair it with? There's a lot of different ways you can wear a Kangol. You know, I never took notice because I get so caught up on the Kangol, but yeah, he'll wear a Kangol to like our family Christmas. I'm from South Dakota. He'll wear a Kangol to our family Christmas. Is it a red?

Like a red crushed velvet? Or like the backwards Scally Cap? Oh. The backwards, like how Sam Jackson does it. I tried to do that as a little fat kid I did too Did you really Yeah I gave it a whirl

Didn't work out You guys both did Backwards Kangals Yeah Backwards frontwards I tried it everywhere You tried it everywhere I could

No angle worked I didn't even know Where to get a Kangal When I was a kid Adult grown man stores But you sometimes You'll sometimes see people With the baseball Kangal

Where it's just like A regular baseball hat with the kangaroo and that's a real weird move they always look like they're shaped wrong you know what I mean they look like you bought them at a market that you weren't sure about you're like this is really Kangol

they're just sent directly to Ross there's no first tier market it's just straight to the secondary market. The bills are creased really interesting like a house, like just a triangle house. You know who's the secret Kangol guy? It's Billy Crystal.

You see Billy Crystal in a Kangol every now and then. I don't like it. I don't like it. It's weird. You're just airing his laundry out here. I love Billy Crystal, but it's like part of his whole like, I'm a jazz guy. I don't like it. It's weird. You're just airing his laundry out here. It's part of his whole... I love Billy Crystal, but it's like part of his whole like, I'm a jazz guy. I don't like that. Yeah, I could see that.

Maybe Robert De Niro has a Kangol. Oh, Robert De Niro definitely. But Robert De Niro deserves a Kangol. Yeah. Because he mostly sleeps with black women. Yeah. Yeah, he does. You know?

So I think he's really... I mean, David, this feels like a David Bowie thing to say, but he's really living that life. You know? Friend of the pod. Friend of to say, but he's really living that life. Friend of the pod. Friend of the pod. He's about that Kangol life. He is.

He's about that. Samuel L. Jackson is also about that Kangol life. Excellent pick. Thank you. You can really move him anywhere. Yeah, comedy, drama, he does it all. Kind of a Dion Branch. Yes. You know, but like better.

Uh-huh. A little Dion Branch reference in honor of Mike Malloy's first. Oh, yes. And my love of the Patriots. You love the Patriots. Oh, yeah. Dion Branch, they say. I care for him so deeply still.

Speaking of Mike Malloy, you have the next pick. I do. It's time for your first pick. I'm going with Viola Davis. Wow. Okay. Viola Davis. Is she like the kingpin? Yeah, she's the leader of the gang. That's like that. Wow. Viola Davis. Is she like the kingpin?

Yeah, she's the leader of the gang. Like a strong female. Yeah, strong female lead. And she's just coming back from jail. She's just coming back from jail. She got set up for murder. Did she do it? No.

Okay. But she has killed people. You know who did do it? The rival gang. And they killed. You know who they killed? You're going to have to wait to find out. Oh, my God.

Come on. Viola Davis does seem like you wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of her. No, she's a bossy lady, and I like it. She's a tough cookie. She seems like she would have you killed, but then go straight to church and repent. Yeah, and she's good. Fans are clean. She's at church while the murders happen.

Oh, yeah. She's not bloodying her own hands. She's got minions. She's not checking her phone. the way she knows the murder happened is one of the candles went out oh i love that one of the ushers just comes and blows it out that's how she knows or the priest comes over like hey they killed that guy no subtlety no subtlety in this movie. Hold on, hold on. Yuck. His Motorola two-way goes off and he's like, well. The mass, the mass, what? Jesus.

Excuse me? Bridges of Madison County? No, no. I was trying to think of like, what's the word for when the mass comes into the church? The procession? The procession?

Yeah, that's probably right. They would stop and tell you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The main priest would stop everybody. Yeah. Hey that guy yeah she's a solid pick she is when i watch her act it makes me think yeah this is super hard yeah what actors do because when you're a kid or even starting as a young comic i don't know if you guys all thought this way but i remember thinking like i could i could be an actor oh yeah shit and then you get you start auditioning every now and again and you're like this is the hardest thing

in the world when someone's like all right give me a sad and you're like i got i got the one look yeah and it's however i'm currently feeling is my look she went to uh she went to juilliard really and she's an academy award winner exactly which i don't think samuel jackson is did she just get it yeah yeah yeah it was two years For Fences. Yeah, it was for Fences, right? God, I watched it. She should have gotten it for The Help. Fences. I never saw The Help. Oh.

Yeah. It's because you were a racist. Part of the problem. I watched Fences twice. Yeah. To make up for all your misgiving. Fences was so good. She murders that movie.

Yeah, I like Viola. I like Viola Day. I haven't seen the how to get away with murder show but i bet i would love it i could see a whole weekend disappearing how to get away with my weekend what are you a comedian one of those weekends where you're like at 10 at like 10 a.m you sit on the couch you haven't showered and then all of a sudden it's 10 p.m and you're like i'm gross you know because you've just watched that many episodes of how to get away sometimes it just

happens i was so stoked the other day i picked dean up from the airport when we get back to the house and he's like what movie i'm like yeah a morning movie just watched a morning movie it was tight we watched uh win it all yeah it was really good jake johnson's fantastic jake johnson i could see that like if that was a show like if have been, like, a 10-part series or something. Then there's the whole day. Yeah, lock me in. Just one of those, your tongue hurts because you ate too much salty food. You, like, ate a whole bag of pistachios and you cracked them with your teeth because

you were too lazy. Too many apricot ropes. Yeah. Yeah, Viola Davis, man. Excellent, excellent pick, Viola Davis. Yeah, starting off with the queen. I like where this is going I like that you set up your movie too

Good strategy And it's time for my first pick And there's only one man I can pick If I'm making a mom movie Jason Statham He's right here on my list Had to take Jason Statham He was going to be the only person that I've drafted twice

Wait, have I drafted him before? No, no. I took him for my entourage. That's right. Well, he's in my mob movie. So we're going to need him for like eight weeks. I'll be on set. It's my entourage.

So I'm going to be on set making sure that he gets what he needs. Yeah. Jason Statham. I fucking, I mean, I've given my Jason Statham theory before. I'm going to restate it very quickly. I don't know if you've given it to Mike. Oh, Mike, have you heard my Jason Statham theory?am theory i have not but some of the listeners have but here here's what it is they should just call every one of his movies jason statham and then the number like

dorf yeah well yeah like dorf yeah but it's like when his last move the mechanic not the mechanic was the mechanic whatever his last movie was it came out. It was like The Mechanic. I was like, no. Yeah. You know? And like when like Tork, like Tork would have just been Jason Statham 4. It's the same character. It's the same dude. It's at the very least, it's like Richard Belzer in all the different things that he's played Munch in.

Exactly. Yeah. Sure, you can call this Homicide. That's what they should do with these action movies. But it's Munch. Like the Fast and the Furious movies are great. Like there's, they know what it is. That's what they should do with these action movies. But it's munch. The Fast and the Furious movies are great. They know what it is. There's eight of them now.

People want to go see it every single time, right? They kind of know what's going to happen, even if it's a little different every time. Same with Jason Statham movies. We should be going to see Jason Statham 10. He's like an ice cream flavor. It doesn't matter what the brand is. It's always chocolate. Yeah.

Tahitian vanilla, no matter where you're getting it from. Oh, what is the Jason Statham ice cream flavor? Oh, God. Shut the fuck up before I rip your throat out. Walnuts. Because he'll smash you into a walnut. With razor blades. Yeah.

Yeah, walnuts with razor blades in it. It's no actual ice cream. It's just a bloody tank top. It's just a bloody white bean. Shoved into a pint of beater shoved into a pint of ice. Shoved into a bed of cherries.

I just love, I love his, I love a British gangster and Jason Statham is like the perfect like sort of British gangster. Sort of,

from some of those Guy Ritchie vibes. What the fuck happened to Guy Ritchie by the way? Fell off. He fell off. What was the last

one he did? Match was the last decent thing he did. Yeah, but there was something. He just directed, What was the last one he did? One match was the last decent thing he did. Yeah, but there was something. He just directed. Oh, you know what he's directing is that King Arthur movie that's coming out. With my boy, Charlie Hoonan. Hoonan?

Hoonan? Yeah. Yeah. I might. Oh, he did that The Man from Uncle. The Man from Uncle. That's what it was. Yeah.

I didn't see it. It was all right. You don't have to stay in your lane. But it helps. But it helps. And like return to your lane every now and then at least. Or put the signal on before you turn. Yeah.

Just like. Let us know. Every now and then dip back into your lane, right? Like, hi, Richard. Go make your King Arthur movie. Go make some weird shit. But every now and then just give me like a bunch of weird British dudes speaking in in slang i don't understand yeah dude brick top i didn't understand a word brick top yeah and i'm like yeah because it's england the fact that anyone has a gun is impressive because

you can't get guns over there give me that kind of like guy ritchie sort of movie that i just want another one of those every now and then they could have kept making them anyway so is he your star huh is he the star of your movie? This is an ensemble cast. Okay. Thank you for asking that. Jason Statham is one member. So each of the people I'm going to pick are going to be a different mob boss.

And this is sort of like a war of mob bosses fighting each other. Jason Statham is the first one. Okay. All right. Like the 13 samurai samurai but they're all mob bosses but it's sort of a more of a mob boss situation right and samurais yeah exactly see i built my one gang and then a an antagonist so you've oh one gang versus an antagonist yes well we'll see i'm kind of figuring mine out as i go i'm playing jazz as they say get in there and play

jazz yeah i think that's what's happening. All right, cool. Yeah, great. I just got a cool email that says, I think I get to vote on the Emmys now. You know what I'm going to vote for? How to get away with murder. Yeah. All right. Sean Jordan,

it's time for your pick. All right. So my first pick, since it seems like we're all going kind of boss boss characters my first pick is going to be

a one JK Simmons JK Simmons I had him on my list too he is gonna be fuck he's gonna be my boss and it's because of Whiplash

he showed me in Whiplash that he's got it in him to play what I need as my boss sometimes you gotta be really likable and he's got it but then sometimes play what I need as a mob boss. Sometimes you got to be really likable and he's got it, but then sometimes you just have to be a stone cold prick.

In Whiplash, he did it both like almost scene by scene. Yeah. Where you'd be like, oh, okay, I kind of get this guy. And then you're like, I hate this guy. Like he's talking to the cops and he's just Joe Cool. He gives him cookies or whatever. And then right after that, he talks to his right-hand man, who I'm going to draft next, and sl them or something you know and like sam jack does

commercial work he does the commercial work sam jack sammy jacks that is weird that is weird that he went from like what was that commercial he was on like the farmers in charge or something like that state farm state farm right no whiplash. I mean, you know, those are all just fronts for his mob activity. I bet he wishes you would make a movie like this and put him in it. Because what are his opportunities now? Who, J.K. Simmons? J.K. Simmons. He's doing a lot.

Is he doing a lot? He's doing quite a bit. Seems like. I mean. He's in at least two movies a year. He's somebody that I really just became aware of a few years ago. I mean, I knew who he was forever, but just a few years ago I'm like, this dude is dope. Yeah, he put in work.

He should have to always play J. Jonah Jameson anytime they make a Spider-Man movie. I don't care who's playing Spider-Man. I don't care who's playing the bad guy.

That and Michael Caine should always play Alfred. Sure. I don't care, you know. Jeremy Irons was fine, I guess, but fucking, it should just be him. Nobody's gonna care. But he played

J. Jonah in the other one. Fuck it. He's great at it. He's amazing at it. He's perfect. He's fantastic. He looks like the comic book character. Exactly like the comic book character. Wouldn't that be crazy if they did you up and you looked in the mirror and you're like, I look just like that motherfucker. That'd be odd to me.

I'd want to go walk around and act like I was that guy in the real world. Like, not on set. Just, like, go into a newspaper. Hey, are you... Are you fictitional characters? Where's Parker? Yeah.

I don't understand why they feel they need to, like, recast the stuff that worked. Like... He worked. He worked. That part worked. Like, I get Peter Parker's

gonna age out, but, like, what's the difference between a 45-year-old man and a 55-year-old man? I sure as shit can't tell. Just a little wisdom. Not much.

It's just going to be better at the Robbie toss. Just a little more wise and a little more, it could be a little more sour. Bring more to the character. It's crazy because they do that

with superhero movies. It's like they fuck it up and then they just tear the whole thing up and start from scratch. It's like, no, you nailed a couple parts of it. Yeah.

You could keep those couple parts. Sure. And then what happens at the end of it, you have the perfect cast for what would be the ninth Spider-Man. By now, Spider-Man, we would have nailed it. But instead, they keep starting over, and it's like, what about a new Aunt May? It's just, fuck off. Just because Topher Grace

didn't knock it out of the park, you don't need to fucking ditch everything. Well, when Aunt Viv left, they weren't like, all right, Uncle Phil, you're out of here, too. We need new Uncle Phil. We need to reinvent the wheel here. Like, no. Let's left, they weren't like, alright, Uncle Phil, you're out of here too. We need to do Uncle Phil. We need to reinvent the wheel here. Like, no. Let's keep it worked. Stuck in a new Aunt Viv. Yeah. You know what's crazy about J.K. Simmons is someone has sex with him.

And probably a lot of people in the play are stoked about it. But can you imagine having sex and then looking at the face of that other person and it's J.K. Simmons? It'd be a weird one. It'd be crazy. Yeah. The next day when I turn the lights on. After I have sex, the lights just stay J.K. Simmons. It'd be a weird one. It'd be crazy. Yeah. Yeah. The next day when I turn the lights on. After I have sex, the lights just stay off. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. After sex, the first light I like to see on the face is natural sunlight. The lights stay off and you listen to Mad World from the Donnie Darko soundtrack, right? Yeah. And I sit up on the dresser with my legs crossed. Yeah. Just doing weird stuff. With a blindfold on, even though it's dark.

J.K. Simmons. J.K. Simmons. And you said With a blindfold on, even though it's dark. JK Simmons. And you said you were going to then draft his henchman. Then I'm going to draft the right-hand man. The right-hand man. And it's between two people. And also, I had this dude in a different role. Yeah. But I'm kind of feeling like I want him to be the right-hand man.

No, I'm going back on it. You said you were going to play jazz, but now that you have JK Simmons, he might slap you if you do it wrong. Oh, yeah. Are you rushing or are you dragging, but now that you have J.K. Simmons, he might slap you if you do it wrong. Oh, yeah. So be careful. Are you rushing or are you dragging? Hey, here's a really quick- So you do know the difference. Another fucked up thing. I guess they were both by Damien Chazelle, but like two big jazz movies in three years?

Yeah. Weird. It's 2017. He's showing all his cards. Yeah. Real early on. It's crazy that he makes such great movies, but he's like the jazz guy. And nobody likes the jazz guy.

Is he a Kangol? He's like, oh, likes the jazz guy. Is he a Kangol guy maybe? I don't know. He definitely tried. He might be turning into one. He's definitely tried. Yeah. There's definitely a picture of him in film school kneeling next to a camera with a backwards Kangol, you know?

And he's like, he's not that ashamed of it. Sometimes he'll leave the yearbook open to that page when people come over and he's like, you know, trying to get positive reinforcement for his Kangol. That was right before I directed Whiplash. If he's not a Kangol guy, it's certainly not due to lack of effort. It just hasn't taken. It's on the way.

He's tried. But he's a stark realist. We saw Whiplash. Anyway, who are you picking as his right-hand man? So I'm going right-hand man is going to be Idris Elba. Whoa! Oh, Zach is upset. Oh, he was on the list.

Zach is upset. He was on the list. He is. Is it because you're white Idris Elba? Is that why, Zach? Idris. Idris. Idris.

Idris Elba is a perfect henchman and, you know, Stringer Bell from The Wire. Like, he was perfect as that. Like, that's what I want to see him as like, hey, we need this done. We need it done this way. Could you please go get it done? And he could charm the pants off of anyone. Oh, yeah. He can play it anywhere he wants to.

Until he gets to the person he has to kill, and then he kills the person. I feel like with the amount of charisma and just raw magnetism he has, it feels like he's kind of gunning for the number one spot, too. Yeah, he'll get there. I mean, JK's old. he's he's aging out and he's idris is telling him and who says idris isn't gonna just go ahead and kill him himself and like that's what i installment yeah yeah yeah that's what i was thinking too there's a little too much power in that in that relationship yeah with two alpha dogs that's that's gonna be a struggle in of itself it is and that'll probably be a whole movie yeah yeah let let him play bond though right oh yeah oh absolutely are they would those rumors have been happening for like five years just make it happen are they just rumors yeah i think they are rumor well because oh what's his face daniel craig is coming back for one more because they

offer they're gonna pay him like 40 per movie. I haven't seen a single Daniel Craig Bond movie. They're good. I just don't care. I don't like an old-looking face with an amazing body like that. I don't like it. I don't need it.

I don't need it in my life. He can do that and just live in the real world. I don't need that James Bond. The inverse Andy Milonakis. I ran into him. I saw him Saturday. Andy Milonakis?

He was, when I was flyering for the show He came by and he was live streaming He had like a rig on I hear that He was very silly He's like always live streaming stuff He was at Meltdown?

Before your show with Doug When I was there just hanging I like Andy Milonakis but he's turning into a character Who gets killed in a Grand Theft Auto mission. And he's live streaming something in Grand Theft Auto. You know what I mean? He's always live streaming something. He's on the scooter.

They're like, yeah, you have to go kill this dude. He used to have a show, and now he's trying to live stream everything. He was wearing a neck halo. Right, exactly. He feels like he's turning into that kind of guy. You're like a little bit of a cartoon of a dude but fuck it man whatever makes him happy i hope he is happy he got name checked in amigo's song he's gonna live forever he's doing all right now he's immortalized yeah i'm not

amigo's song no i should be neither is either selba you should you really should be me of all people mike's got a dog named quavo shout out out to Quavo. Quavo's the best. I love Quavo. Back at home, listening, I'm sure. Quavo is at the show. Idris Elba's so swole, too. That's a bill. He walked by me at the, he was on the Late Late Show with James Corden, and he walked by, and I was like, holy shit, I get it. Yeah.

One of those people, I bet, where you see him and you're like, man, what a great name, too. It is a great name. Very fitting to us. It is. And he's even cooler off screen than he is on it because he's like British and sounds hella cool and tough. Why don't they let him play a British kid?

That's why he'd be so good at Bond. Luther was great. Yeah, Luther was cool. Okay. Bond is one of those film franchises like we were talking about that keeps the parts that work. Yes, it does. The Bond changes, but sometimes they keep. They'll keep an M or whatever. franchises like we were talking about that keeps the parts that work yes the bond changes but

sometimes they keep they'll keep an m or whatever yeah well because even the is based on the like the book isn't it that the bond like the w007 is transferable like it's not one guy it's like yeah james bond is a code name yeah it's like a fun fan theory people have i like it i don't he's just he's he's what tom hiddleston was another rumor to play the next James Bond? No. You don't need another nerd playing Bond. So skinny.

Tom, no. I don't ever want to see him again. And by all accounts, he's a ponce. That's what British people say. He's a real yutz. Even Pierce Brosnan. He's a dum-dum and nobody likes him. I was never like.

Pierce was a tough one, but he's very regal. Yeah, but that, he's not like physically intimidating to be like a badass. Like, I don't know. I just never bought it. No, but he's good in the t Yeah, but he's not physically intimidating to be a badass. I don't know. I just never bought it. No, but he's good in the tux. Not all Bonds get shirtless on the beach. There's a few. Hey, man, mine do. He'd freak out if he walked through a spider web. Yeah. I don't really buy him as a super tough guy, but yeah.

He's the kind of guy. In the 90s, it made sense. Well, yeah. In the pieces soaked in 1990s. Well, before Daniel Craig I think Bond was always supposed to be like the dude who used gadgets over brawn or whatever but that's why I like Daniel Craig

because it's more you're like yeah that guy would have to be able to kill people with his hands they wail on his nuts in like the first movie in a pretty major way you should watch it. Daniel Craig? Yeah the Daniel Craig one do they? Yeah. Casino Royale. Casino Royale. I don't remember it.

They just wail on him. It's hard to watch. It is. Yeah. Because he chooses it. Well, I mean, you know, he doesn't give up the information. Yeah.

I mean, what kind of a bond would you be if you gave up the information? Could be wrong information. You don't know. A couple dick punches? Oh, sure. No, the nuts, not the dick. If you punch me in the dick,

you're getting whatever information you need. They do have like a rope with a knot at the end of it right just some crazy shit they isolated the nuts before they punch it it's like a nordic rope like it holds ships i don't think i've ever seen this you know it's happened before you know because nobody just has like oh yeah bonds here let's build a nut stool yeah that means these people have these guys when people come over they're like what is that stool the hole in it uh it's this whole big thing yeah well if you owe me a thousand dollars for too long you'll find out what that stool was that stool sitting there they didn't make a bong out of a soda can like that's been sitting around that that's a that's a conversation piece uh-huh yeah they had to go to like a carpenter in the town. They're like, hey, so you make stools,

right? What about, there's like a hole where the nuts would be, sort of, hypothetically. What would you want that for? What would you possibly What if we wanted to dangle a naked man's nutsack through this hole? Can you do that? Yeah. Is that something you could do? Just a yes or no is fine.

No, I'll get out of here. No. Yes or no. I just want to know if it's possible that I go to another carpenter and have them do it. Idris Elba. Idris Elba.

A handsome choice. Handsome choice. It's back on me. What do you got? Sire Benjamin Kingsley. All right. All right. Sir Benny Kings.

Sir Benny Kings. Who's been, he's been in mobster movies before he's been in sexy beast so i know he can do it yeah he was in um lucky number 11 too right that was was that ben kingsley or am i wrong uh i don't have like a off the top no yeah well it's yeah but yeah he's he played he'd be a fantastic boss let me see he was also in the famous mob movie schindler's list yeah yeah and gandhi and gandhi yeah the other mob he wasindler's List. Ah. Yeah. And Gandhi. And Gandhi.

Yeah. The other mob movie. He was in, he's played like a mobster before. What else? He was in, like I said, Sexy Beast. I don't think I've ever heard of Sexy Beast. Oh, dude. It's a hella good movie.

Really? All right. Nutstool? No, there's no Nutstool in it. Okay. Then I can watch it. Hard pass. Yeah, he works a lot too. He was in Lucky Number 11 as the rabbi.

He works a lot, too. Yeah. I thought so. It was him and Morgan Freeman. They played opposing mob bosses. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. It was really good.

It's one of my favorite movies of all time. I shouldn't have mentioned it. He's just... He can play alongside Ben Kingsley or alongside Jason Statham. He can play just sort of that intense intense scary british dude yeah who talks real slow and is slowly dunking a bag of tea into a cup as he tells you how he's gonna murder you and that's just very scary to me and like you're in the room and he's telling you how he's gonna murder you yeah but you're not tied up or anything you're actually free to go but you know you know

that you're not really free to go. Is that what it's going to be, mate? You know, say some shit like that. You're just sitting there and he's like giving you choices and you're like, well, none of those choices. I don't want any of those. Your actors are going to be very comfortable because they get to use their natural accents. Oh yeah, there's no, yeah,

they're not going to have to act too hard. I mean, I'm just going to need Jason to do push-ups in between takes. Jason. Yeah. And Sir Ben Kingsley's just gonna need Jason to do push-ups in between takes Jason yeah and Sir Ben Kingsley's just gonna have to have like a closet full of cravats that he goes back to every now and then do you think like he's gonna do a lot of cravat acting

off set is Jason Statham gonna be asking Sir Ben Kingsley how he himself could get knighted alright alright Ben Sam broke a damn for me mate Ben I'd like to be a knight hey Ben Ben Ben, Sam broke a damn for me, mate. Ben, I'd like to be a knight. Ben. Hey, Ben. Ben, I've done everything I can to become a knight.

How many more cranks? I've learned Krav Maga. I've trained with the frogmen. Frogmen. I just love it. I love a scary British dude. And I love Sir Ben Kingsley. I like that you have not once messed up and just called him Ben Kingsley.

You've called him Sir Ben Kingsley every time. Well, he's a sir. I'm going to put some respect on his name. He earned it. By the way, if I was a sir and people called me anything but sir, I'd be so heated. That's why they give you a sword, to stab people who don't call you sir. Uh-huh. Just like, fucking sir next time. The fact that there's no American equivalent

of being knighted is part of the reason things aren't going well for us, I think. I have a stand-up bit about that very thing. Ah, well. Where I think we should,

and you stole it just now. No, I didn't. Now this podcast is one of those East Coast style... Well, the closest thing we have... Gotcha, come on. The closest thing we have

is getting, like, the Kango. If the black ladies love you have is getting the Kango. If the black ladies love you, you get the Kango. You just have to earn a Kangol. Yeah, that's it. That's the closest thing we got. That's our trashy version of getting knighted. Here's your Kangol, dog.

Here's your Kangol. Go ahead and wear that on public wherever you want. Angela Bassett gives you a Kangol. If Angela Bassett gave me a Kangol, I't i couldn't wear it i'd never stop wearing i'll never be able to it would be purple velvet probably i guess you have kentucky colonels which is kind of something like that but we definitely need it you know and you know what we should do is just take the sirs and dames and lords and ladies and shit because it would piss england off they'd be like you can't but you can't but you're not like you well you came up with it yours is

just older now we're doing it too fuck you you know but our famous people's names aren't they don't go with like sir james franco doesn't roll off the time shakil o'neill welcome back to inside the nba with kenny the jet smith sir charles barkley and lord shaquille o'neal which shack i think is the only person doing more commercials than samuel jackson oh my god i saw everything right now back to back to back commercials today i saw him in a commercial for tnt then the general which led into icy hot back spot as like those general commercials they look so fucking budget he has to be in a lot of commercials because he probably breaks every chair he says he has to pay for oh sorry he's gotta pay for the whole commercial and he didn't

get anything oh so those the general commercials are trashy on purpose yeah yeah you're not yeah yeah that's like uh they're like their thing, oh, national spot, but it looks like shit. It does. Yeah. But it makes somebody trashy like me be like, I could probably afford that shitty car insurance. Right. It's like I got to run into a bunch of rich guys who made themselves be shitty so people would pay attention.

Their worst sin? Stolen valor. I don't think that guy's a real general. No. Stolen valor. It's way too short. He would have been, he never would have served. He's way too short. He would have been... He never would have served.

He's not getting past the first... You think they're sending a three-foot guy to Korea? Absolutely not. They're not sending him out there. No way. No. No way.

One minute. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way. No way.

All right. Mike Malloy, it is time for your second pick on the heels of my amazing Sir Ben Kingsley pick. All righty. Well, I am going with Janelle Monae.

Ooh. Oh. Yeah. She was not going to be on mine. You're right. I had a hunch. She is dope, though. She is.

She's a very good actress, and she will be playing Viola Davis's daughter in the movie, who is also a member of the gang. That makes perfect sense. What was Janelle Monae just in? The Hidden Figures? No, Moonlight. Moonlight, yeah. Well, yeah What was Janelle Monáe just in? The Hidden Figures? No, Moonlight. Moonlight, yeah. Well, yeah, she was in that too.

Was she in Hidden Figures? Wasn't she? I didn't see it. I just know she was in one of the Oscar movies. She was in Moonlight, which I saw, which was great. But yeah, good lady. Glad to add her to the cast. Yeah, she was in Hidden...

Wait, she was in Hidden Figures and Moonlight. Yeah, she was in it. And Rio too. I like him versatile. And Moonlight. Yeah. And Rio 2. I like them versatile. And she's a fantastic singer. Yeah. She can contribute to the soundtrack. Yeah, you never know.

There might be a little bit of that in there. Who knows? Maybe this is a musical mob movie. You never know. Yeah. Or she doesn't want to follow her in her mom's footsteps, so she's trying to moonlight as a lounge singer. But the game brings her back in.

But the game is very attractive.. But the game is very attractive. Oh, the game is in it, too? No. The game. Oh, the game. The rapper. I get it. He's a G-unit, briefly. I'm with you guys. Every step of the way.

Red Nation, you know? No, it's an attractive life, the game. He does have an attractive life. I think he's rich. Yeah. That face tattoo is weird, though. He seems like one of those sneaky rich guys who's probably worth millions of dollars. I think he is sneaky rich.

Yeah. How are you worth that much? That's frustrating to me. Janelle Monae, man. She's like a cool robot. She has... Her hair is perfect. She's's perfect her teeth are perfect like if you just look that's perfect she just seems like a very perfect person like you just photos are

and you're like fucking there's nothing wrong with this girl not that all s that you know not that that's it like what's inside too yeah i'm sure she's a great person. That's nice. You can't see that from a photograph, though. That's nice. Yeah. Ian had his pants off when he said that. Janelle Mona, yeah, she is showing now that she can act. She, like, yeah. And she just did blow up in these two movies. Like, she wasn't really in much.

I heard about her in that song with Fun, We Are Young. Oh, yeah. It came out, like, three years ago. Oh, yeah. That was the first time I ever heard of her in that song with Fun, We Are Young. Oh, yeah. It came out like three years ago. Oh, yeah. That was the first time I ever heard of her. And really didn't hear shit after that. She was in some Pepsi commercials, maybe. Yeah.

She's an amazing dancer. And then had like a banner year this year. Is she really? Yeah. Fantastic. She's like one of those crazy, like you can't believe what you're seeing is happening dancers. I like that. That's what just, there's a huge gulf between a good dancer and a bad dance what do you think is there a bigger gulf between a good dancer and a bad dancer or a good singer

and a bad singer uh by the same singer well you can kind of get by on effort with dancing i guess i can't but there's also like no you can get by with just sheer talent on the singing front right without like like dancing you probably have to be be in the uh in the in the workshop testing that out yeah sure like there's no dancing equivalent to bob dylan yeah right or joe cocker yeah true like you can't i think those singers are drunk i think joe cocker is the dancing equivalent to the singer joe cocker actually big joke this is the uh all to the singer Joe Cocker, actually. Big Joe Cocker. This is the All Fantasy Havering, the Joe Cocker podcast. That is a really good point. Like, if you're a shitty dancer, like a really bad dancer, nobody looks at you like, no, you're just original.

What about like a big fat guy who can crump? That's like not, yeah. Like that guy in the new Sprite commercial? Maybe. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. Technically, I don't know what separates a good dancer from a bad. But if it just looks like you're having fun with what you're doing, I will call you a good dancer. I'm a terrible dancer.

Well, I look like I'm having fun most of the time when I'm dancing. But I'm not a good dancer. I mean, that's just... There's no way around it. Nothing funny about it. You'll notice nobody's laughing. You would not think I'm a good dancer. So this is just the serious portion of the podcast.

Okay. So you were wrong. Does that feel good? I disagree. I think you are a great dancer. Side unseen. After I did that mock last year. You do a lot of you stare at the roof, you stare at the ceiling, and then you kind of do the dog paws with your hands.

Oh, that's true, yeah. Like the up and down. I stare at the ceiling and I scream, why? As loud as I can. And I try to fly. You're shown on the roof again? Come back! Just screaming Jessica?

Speaking of Molly, I had a bad time last week. Did you? What? Dancing? Where did you do it? Me and Liz decided to try it. Just you? What? Dancing? Where did you do it? Me and Liz decided to try it. Just to go dancing? No, just

her sister made a little rave. Oh, Molly. I heard you wrong. Oh, yeah. No, because you mentioned that. Yeah, her sister made a rave cave for us, just the three of us. And about an hour after doing three and a half of them. I was just gonna say, tell Ian how many what you did. Personally, dog, what are you doing? Isn't that crazy? Why would you do that? He told me that and I half of them. I was just gonna say tell Ian how many what you did. Personally, dog, what are you doing?

Isn't that crazy? Why would you do that? And I lost my shit. Okay, so I had done two at that point. You had to play the video game for the first time on expert. I ended up doing three and a half. So, like, an hour and a half in, it hit Liz, and it didn't hit me, and she was karate chopping

the wind, and I made fun of her. And within five minutes i threw up on buddha you could have died that's too much there was a statue of buddha so within five minutes of me making fun of her i literally vomited on the embodiment of karma and then i took a 40 minute shower At various temperatures Trying to sweat it out With the door open Talking to everybody who was there

Just letting them know I'm good Yeah I still did three and a half And then I did another one and a half How do you even do a half a molly And then I called my friend and demanded he put his baby on the phone I had some things to say to that baby Did you change that baby's life I think I did You didn't tell me that I put the baby on the phone. I had some things to say to that baby. Did you change that baby's life? I think I did.

You didn't tell me that. I put the baby on the right path, I think. Idris Elba. Yeah. He got so stoned on Molly that he traveled through time. Hi, you didn't get stoned. I did one Molly last year, and it wrecked me for 18 hours or something like that. Three and a half.

I was fine after. The second time I threw up, I pulled the trigger. It was not... It was self-induced. Kids, don't do... Definitely three and a half, Molly. Yeah, only do like two and a half. Yeah.

Or... Yeah. That's so much. Or just take a dancing class. And go do it at like a party. Well, yeah. Next time. I've never heard of this Molly Cave stuff. Because even like that other time we did, we were at like a dancing class. Go do it. Go do it at like a party. Well, yeah. Next time. Never heard of this

Molly Cave stuff. Because even like that other time we did, we were at like a house party. Even that was a little too casual. A little too real. In my opinion.

There's probably people out there doing Molly and like going grocery shopping. Oh, yeah. Going to Molly, going to work. A little microdosing type shit. Can you do that with Molly?

A little Molly in the morning. Yeah. It's a radio show. Drop a little in the morning. Molly in the morning. Coffee? This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35.

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That's neither here nor there. Don't put off life insurance. Make it easy with Policy Genius. Head to policygenius.com or click the link in the description to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save that's policygenius.com uh janelle monet janelle monet zach tuscon is time for your second pick okay with my second pick i'm gonna i'm starting to i'm starting to create the narrative in my head so now i need like i need because i have back-to-back picks so i'm not really you know i'm no one's gonna it steal this pick it's going to be a married couple divorced and now they created

they have their own militias oh what yeah so like a divorced couple yeah kind of like War of the Roses if it was an actual war oh sure I get it so I'm going to be drafting the husband Mel Brooks

what as the heavy whoa yes 90 year old mel brooks wow 90 year old yes melvin brooks that is an excellent pick thank you that's crazy yes in a dramatic kind of role in a dramatic role he's funny though too yes yeah oh he can't be funny it can be funny sinister like a little joe pesci goodfellas yeah where you're like you kind of laugh but you're like this guy terrifies me. I'm surprised nobody tried to do that with Mel Brooks. Yeah. Comedic actors, I think, are always great when they do dramatic, like first out of the gate.

Because they've been wanting to do it forever. All they've been doing is comedic stuff. They're like, I want to be a tough guy. Right. Who's the first guy who made that leap? Was it Bill Murray? Jim Carrey, maybe. What? I think Bill Murray was before Jim Carrey. Who's the first guy who made that leap? Was it Bill Murray? Jim Carrey, maybe? What?

I think Bill Murray was before Jim Carrey. Mad Dog and Glory? You mean? Like, who made the, like, I'm a comedic actor, but now I'm going to go do some serious roles? Oh, yeah. Well, fucking, we were just looking. Michael Keaton did Clean and Sober. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. He started out as a stand-up. That was a pretty gnarly one. Bruce Willis was, like, a romantic comedy actor. He was a stand-up? Well, he was a rom-com actor. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic, yeah. He was a comic-up. That was a pretty gnarly one. Bruce Willis was like a romantic comedy actor. He was a stand-up? Well, he was a rom-com actor. He was in Homestruck. But yeah, Keaton was a stand-up

before he... He's still got his name on the comedy store. But not Buster Keaton. So it doesn't go back that far. Yeah, that is a good call. I mean, imagine how fun that would be if you've been doing like wacky shit your whole career. Someone's like, I'm thinking of Joe Pesci, but someone's like, hey hey you want to be like the tough guy yeah i mean he's like

yeah and he's gonna i don't have to stand on apple box or anything like we're gonna do shots with my whole body in it yes i'd love to he's getting the um uh godfather uh marlon brando treatment oh yeah like we will shoot wherever he wants to like remember that movie he did with uh edward norton the score where he was just invariant where it's just like i'm just gonna be sitting in this Like we will shoot wherever he wants to. Like remember that movie he did with Edward Norton? The score. Where he was just invariant, where it's just like, I'm just going to be sitting in this location. He wouldn't stand up. And they have one scene where he was walking and you can tell it was a bummer.

Late Marlon Brando is crazy because like every impulse you're like, you shouldn't do that. It's not healthy. He blew right past every one of those stop signs. He got a McDonald's in his backyard. Oh my God. What'd you say? He gotdonald's in his backyard oh my god what'd you say he he got a mcdonald's in his backyard like he set up a mcdonald's and just really ate mcdonald's all the time he just like flew he fathered children in polynesia or something he just ate everything he wanted that's i mean you know he was living and it's yeah it feels tragic just because of how he started because he was like the heart young hot yeah throb wouldn't that be crazy if it happened to ryan gosling

just some big fat guy later on just some big fat ryan gosling that's just not a comfortable life like to i wouldn't want to if i could i wouldn't want to eat mcdonald's every day because it just Just some big fat Ryan Gosling. That's just not a comfortable life. If I could, I wouldn't want to eat McDonald's every day. Because you'd feel bad. I feel like the chances of those kind of stories happening are rarer now. Because there's somebody there that's slapping McDonald's out of Ryan Gosling's hand. Ryan, no. But who's the candidate for that?

You know who I could see getting fat? I may have said this on this podcast before even. Jason Statham? Channing Tatum. Oh, he looks like it's right there. I think he's going to be a big fat guy. Yeah. Vince Vaughn's getting there.

He used to be kind of a stubby looking dude. But Vince is getting like... He's going back and forth. He looks like drug abuse fat. He's pretty much all fourth now. He's not going back a lot like he every now and again he could cut weight for his stuff but now you're like now you're pretty much where you're at and it seems to be getting more so yeah my my bet is channing tatum yeah i could see god just 50 year old channing tatum yeah just not looking amazing just making that noise

get out of bed. All right. Channing, what are you doing? All right. I was thinking about going to the bathroom, but I'm not going to. I'm just going to keep laying here. When he does go to the bathroom, he's in there for 45 minutes at least. Yeah, yeah. Razor blades coming out.

A lot of stuff going on with you. I'll just pick one of the Hemsworths. Which one do you pick? Just one of them. One of them's got to go. Yeah. Right? Yeah, I think one of them. The least successful is the Daniel Baldwin theory.

Yeah. But they're all fairly successful, aren't they? The third one's... I guess I couldn't name all three of them, so probably not. Like, we'd all be happy to have the third one's career, but I don't know if he is. Yeah. Is Chris and Liam, and who's the third one? That's...

I guess that's the one. He was the one in Mission... Or Independence Day, right? Oh. Still not going to happen, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because there was one in the Westworld. He'll probably chunk up. Luke. Oh, I did know that. Luke Hemsworth. Oh. Still not going to happen, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because there was one in the Westworld.

He'll probably chunk up. Luke. Oh, I did know that. Luke Hemsworth. Luke Hemsworth. Yeah. God, what a... Hemsworth isn't a name that leads itself to not being in shape, though.

Sounds like you should be in shape when your last name is Hemsworth. I don't know. I think if you have three brothers, if you have two other brothers and they're bigger movie stars than you, you're going to... You know, you've got some demons to take care of. There's like parties your brothers get invited to that you don't. What a weird dynamic. He's standing outside. Luke!

Huh? Luke. I can't do an Australian accent. Luke, it's dope in here. Yeah, I can't do any of this. He's just going to hang out with like Andrew Wilson. I know, it's dope in here. A little bit. Is that Liam Hemsworth over there yeah no it's just ian i thought liam hemsworth is here for a second yeah

fuck i can't no no no no no no uh mel brooks mel brooks playing an old mobster. Yeah. Divorced from? Divorced from Angela Lansbury. Whoa! Yes. Whoa. Yes. Whoa. Is she not dead? No.

She is not dead. I mean, you can have dead. So I'm kind of feeling like it's going to be a multi-generational, like, kind of a battle. Your movie is doing that thing that they're doing now in Hollywood where they're like, they know know baby boomers are getting old so they're making all these like old-ass baby boomer movies yes like the bucket list was like one of the first ones yeah last vegas wasn't that right where yeah it was like the it was like people expendables well there's the one now with morgan freeman and alan arkin yeah and i don't know they like do a big place or something yeah yeah yeah but i there will be some younger generations, but

I'm just kind of solidifying the 75 and older crowd. Where's Angela Lansbury been? I do not know. Bedknobs and Broomsticks was my shit when I was younger. Dude, Murder, She Wrote all day. Yeah, Murder, She Wrote's awesome. Mrs. Potts?

Potts. Fantastic. She should be knighted. Sir Angela Lansbury. Are we ready for it? Can a woman be knighted? What's the equivalent? Of a woman being knighted? A lady? Yeah.

Like Dame. Yeah. Yeah, like Judi Dench. Oh, that's the that's probably a dame that's the equivalent of being knighted yeah it's so much worse it sounds derogatory yeah it does right yeah i think it's because it was literally turned into a derogatory term these dames over here you know i don't think they were like hey what's a's a shitty word we can call these people we're honoring? These dames. Ah, we broad these broads.

Hey, King. Hey, King, bad news. The chickens are clucking and they want to have a title too. What should we call them? They're out of their hen house, boss. I got an idea. Why don't we call these dames what they is? Let's call a spade a spade and a dame a dame.

Why are these lords from Chicago now? This was back in the 50s. That's how everyone talked. That's how everybody talked. Everywhere. We were all so jubilant after the defeat of the Nazis. Hey, what are the apples at, huh? Apples?

You got apples in this grocery store, yeah? Oh, Jesus. Yeah, she's a dame. Dame Angela Bridget Lansbury. Yeah, she should be. So who would our dames be? Like Dame Scarlett Jo? Well, we need some older ladies.

We'd be like Dame... We'd have like Dame Aretha Franklin. Yeah. Oh, who's that? Dame Jessica Lange? Dame Jessica Lange. Oh, that's just a dope name. What is?

Dame Jessica Lange. Yeah. That is a good name. Dame Jessica Lange. Dame Michelle Obama. Dame Susan Sarandon. Oh, Suzanne Sarandon. The man's tan tan. That girl. That's my gal. Angela Lansbury. Yeah.

She shows... No, she doesn't. She was in Mr. Popper's Penguins. She was in Nanny McPhee. She was in Mr. Popper's Penguins. She was in Nanny McPhee. She was on an SVU episode. See? Second of five.

Yeah. She's got the background for it. What was she doing? How old is she? Dame Angela Bridget Lansbury. Under her age, it says old as hell. It's just dusty on the IMDb page. She was born in 1925 damn damn just a couple 90 year olds that is i love the idea of her and mel brooks just going at each

other yeah yeah still i mean when did they get divorced they got divorced uh in their 50s so they've been divorced longer than most successful marriages. She's like a tea kettle. It's just been boiling for some time. She's been accruing power. She keeps a close tie with him. He doesn't really know what she's about to do. Yeah, she's keeping it on the low.

She knows he's weak right now. Angela Lansbury is so old that she got divorced in 1946. Wow. Oh, post-war divorce. Yeah. Just a little history lesson. I hope it wasn't over that. Today's episode of All Fantasy Everything

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Back to the episode. Mike Malloy. I'm up. Yes. Let's see here. You have Yol Davis and Janelle Monae. What are we doing? Third round, right? Third round. Okay.oy. I'm up, yes. Let's see here. You have Viola Davis and Janelle Monae. What are we doing? Third round, right?

Third round. Okay. So... Kicked it off. Tree. So the person that I'm going to be having play, the person that took over the gang while Viola Davis was away in jail,

Halle Berry. Oh! There we go. Hallelujah. A little volleyball, a little power struggle. Halle's on my list, and she, I just found out today she's like she's 50 that's wow

she seems like a constant 34 to me yeah she's been 34 my whole life she's 50 it's so weird for like women that like were sex symbols when we grew up we just always view them as like the same age for some reason

yeah yeah it is she's just timeless timeless when we grew up, we just always view them as like the same age for some reason. Yeah, yeah. She's just timeless. Timeless beauty, that woman. And an amazing actress. And good to take over the business while Viola's in jail. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah, I'll say that. A little crazy there, a little instability. You never know. She's a little nicer, it seems like. She might let a little more ride, but then when it needs to go down,

she'll drill a hole in your front tooth if she has to. She'll break an egg. She doesn't care. She could do a scene while she's taking her earrings off and still be really scary. You know what I mean?

She's not taking them off to fight. It's just she's getting ready to... They've come home from a formal event, but she's taking off her earrings while ordering someone's murder. I could see Halle Berry pulling that off. I could too. Definitely. Little Halle Bizzle. Where's she been too too is it because she's an older lady in hollywood well you wonder that's

bullshit i think she was going through a very ugly divorce for her she was yeah that that was dipshit cheated on her that fucking kept man imagine motherfucker oh but um i think there maybe there's a point where like you hit like she's had enough money and she's an oscar oscar winner oh yeah so she had that speech man she let it go oh that's right that's right she's the first one so they like i imagine she just chills out on her own like that's her decision i doubt hollywood's like nah we don't got anything for hallie berry right now oh Oh, she was a Cloud Atlas. She has done some pretty bad movies. I heard Cloud Atlas sucked so bad.

I haven't seen Cloud Atlas. I haven't either, but I haven't heard one good thing about it. I think the last movie that she did was produced by the WWF. I'm not kidding. There was a movie that she did where she was like an ambulance or a 911 operator, and it was very bad. Yeah, where it's like oh the call yeah the call line right yeah yeah the girl was in the trunk or something was it abigail breslihan i didn't it was abigail and that's the movie where hallie berry has the worst hair i've ever seen

her have well she's a 911 operator it's not like people are seeing her hair a lot try to make it look real morris chestnut just like you wearing shorts on the podcast. Nobody knows. I'm just trying to be comfortable over here. Hi, 911. Can you just transfer me to an operator with better hair, please? I can hear you. You sound like you have shorts on. I don't think I want to talk to you.

I don't like somebody who shows up to work with shorts on, so that ain't dank. Mike, I don't want to speak out of turn here, but I'm sensing a theme with your draft. What could it be? It's all black ladies. Yeah. Yeah. What do you know? I like it.

Yeah. Halle Bizzle. Yeah. Oscar's so white? No, not this year, bud. You never know. There could be some misdirection. Could be some little razzle dazzle on the kid's end.

I love a little razzle dazzle I could do without. Anything else to say about Halle Berry? She's fantastic. She's great. I got nothing bad to say about Halle Berry. I think I might have said this before, but my friend in Swordfish, she has that scene where she is topless. She got paid like an extra half a million, right?

Sure. For it or something like that? We're sitting in the movie, and when that scene happened, my friend sitting next to me, he just goes Like that And then I was like Is that why we came to this movie It was for him I wanted to see Swordfish

He just He was taken aback and he was like 28 Probably when that happened He was an older gentleman He was an OG What an innocent time oh absolutely the nudity in movies period

not just of our lives but of history because it was before the internet early 2000 he was like the first kid I knew that had the internet even so if he was going that means there was really no porn on the internet I remember in middle

school i got busted because i lived in a small town and i would rent wild things from the movie store great threesome scene but it was i think the first sex scene i had ever seen so i thought champagne was more involved with sex than nor like i was like then you pour it on her chest as you would but i rented it so much and it was like when you'd rent a movie it was like, and then you pour it on her chest, as you would. But I rented it so much, and it was like, when you'd rent a movie, it was like an index card from a library. So my parents went and rented it and saw that I had basically rented it out for like two months straight. Starship Troopers, I remember, was the first time I saw boobs in a movie theater.

Oh, sure. With your parents? The first time I saw- Older brother. Older brother. Okay. theater oh sure the first parents the first time i saw older brother okay the first time i saw boobs in a movie theater was i believe in 1994 uh my cousin brought me to see columbus oh yeah not anticipating uh that there was a lot of titties and i would have them i think i was about i think

it was about eight or nine and i I got very, very excited about it. I stood up on the chair and screamed boobs. Eight-year-old me was very hyped. You screamed what everyone else was thinking. Exactly. All the grown-ups wanted to do it. Exactly. They can't do that.

Conversely, the first time I saw Mortal Kombat in theaters, I had to leave because Goro was too scary. He was. That was scary. He was. That was actually... He was scary. He was. And I had to go. Because you couldn't tell if it was animatronics or CGI. He was a scary dude. And I was like, nah, not two hours of this.

It happened early. Well, that is rich, my friend. Did you go to another movie or did you just wait out we left I was there with my stepbrother at the time and I was like

we gotta go that is like a whole pie from Cheesecake Factory that is rich my friend I love that find new little gems every day about you yeah

I never knew that I just try to sprinkle them in every now and then it makes sense keep our relationship interesting just something I never would have known yeah I try to sprinkle them in every now and then. It makes sense. Keep our relationship interesting. Just something I never would have known. Yeah, I had to leave.

I had to get out of here. I don't even remember how old I was. Probably older than you think. The other night you were gone, I had to shut off the trailer for the new movie, for the new It movie. Oh, yeah. Because I got too scared. No.

I'm 35. I'm terrified of E.T. still. Really? I'm so terrified. I used to really like E.T. until I was three, and apparently I had a really fucked up dream about him and could not stand the sight of him ever again. To the point where when my parents were trying to punish me

and keep me in my room, they would put the VHS of E.T. outside my fucking door because they knew it was the only thing that would make me behave. Jesus. What? That's harsh. Yeah, I'd do the same thing to my parents. And this happened up until I me behave. Jesus. What? That's harsh. Yeah. I'd do the same thing. And this happened up until I was like 11.

Mr. and Mrs. Malloy. Yeah. Speaking of dreams, I had a fun dream last night. I had a dream. I fell asleep watching the Coachella live stream because Kendrick was performing. You were. I knew it. I walked in and I heard Lord coming out of your room and I'm like, no way. Lord's great, by the way. Of course she is, but it's

not something you'd be listening to in your room loud and I'm like it's gotta be Coachella live I had a dream I had been asked to perform at Coachella and it was like you've got two hours and I was like what song should I sing so I'm like going through in the dream I'm like maybe this one

I forget what I think I settled on some Whitney Houston stuff but like that was just a thing. They were like, Ian, you're like a middlingly successful standup comedian. Why don't you perform a song at, uh,

at, uh, at Coachella? I will be performing a song at the goddamn comedy jam. I was wondering if we could bring that up. Do you have it nailed down yet? Or you don't want to say, I don't know what song I'm going to sing.

I have to still run it past, uh, uh, the people who run it. This, it's going to be a fun weekend. I apologize. I'm going to be so drunk. Yeah, you know, I better will be. Every minute that I hang out with you, it's like sleeping on a cloud. It's all bliss.

I agree, boys. And I wish you were there. I wish I was too. You know, there's nothing stopping you from just coming up and hanging out. That is a good point. We'll see. When is it? May or June? First week good point. We'll see. When is it? May or June?

First week in May. But yeah. We'll see. That would be... Time to drop my third pick. Oh, yeah. Shit. Oh, yeah.

That's what we're here for. We're not just having fun talking up here. With my third pick, I'm going to take the man, Ed Harris. Ooh. Yeah. See?

Now, I hear you say that, and I'm like, that's what i was trying to think of all day is shit like that last name harris ed harris harris comma ed on his sat first non-brit huh first non-brit not a british man and not playing one either he's just playing can you give me a little background on his family where'd he grow up on in this movie in this yeah ed harris he's he's sort of a he's sort of like a like a new england area like sort of a boston kind of guy no in this one he's not he's not like a obnoxious sort of like i looked at mike you're not an obnoxious boston guy goon we call him he's like how dare you guys always making me out to be the bad guy. No, you're the real. You're the nicest guy.

He's the head of a Chicago family. And we know he can play that. He's played like, he was in like, what's that? A History of Violence. Yeah. So he can play kind of like a crazy scary guy. Oh, yeah. Westworld too.

Initially, he was kind of a character. I never watched Westworld. I haven't seen it. He was real bucking Westworld. Yeah. The man in black. Yeah. And his face,

it's a grizzled face on that, Ed Harris. Grizzled. Yeah. That face got some fucking highway miles on it. Yeah. Ice.

Yeah. Yeah. He's scary. He does. Yeah. And he can be intense. It feels like anytime anyone has wronged him,

it shows up directly on his face. Even young Ed Harris, like Wall Street, or not Wall Street. What am I doing here? I don't know. Glengarry Glen Ross. Oh, yeah. Real intense.

He can go head to head with a Sir Ben Kingsley. Sure, but then he can tuck his daughter in at night and she's none the wiser. Right, exactly. He's got a family in the Chicago suburbs. They're none the wiser. They don exactly. He doesn't have to be. He's a chameleon. He's got a family in the Chicago suburbs. They're none the wiser. They don't know at all what he's up to. No, they don't know at all. They're like, you know,

I don't want to know why we all have Cadillacs. What does your dad do? He works in the city. Yeah. That's what they say. I've never actually seen my dad go to work or at work or anything, but... He works in the city.

We got all this nice shit. He's got a 16-year-old daughter. He's got a 16-year- old daughter who's starting to ask questions. And he's like, oof. Yeah. He doesn't want that life for any of his kids. Yeah.

He had to go knock on, he had to go knock on an 18 year old's door one time about his 16 year old guy. Didn't die, but you know, he, what he did, he knocked on the, and the kid,

the 18 year old opened the door and Ed Harris handed him a gun. And he goes, this is to make it even yeah yeah and then the kid started what'd the kid do he pissed his pajama pants he pissed his american eagle outfitter pajama pants and handed the gun back did ed harris take the gun back or did he say keep it if you ever want to use it but stay away from my daughter he took it back and pistol whipped the kid's dad it was for raising a coward he probably threw it in the bushes and then walked away and then took his gloves off yeah how scary would that be if somebody showed up with gloves on and a gun it'd be scary handed it to you for some reason man i don't feel like i was getting set up for

a murder yeah i feel like officers. I found them. Like, you'd say that's the next thing you'd say. I'm like, what? Prints all over that thing. Yep. Sean Jordan, it is time for your third pick. Okay.

And fourth. It's going to be the third and fourth. And I'm taking a page out of Zach's book, except these are not going to be... You're drafting Godzilla. You're not going to draft Geriatrics? I'm going to draft a bath road. To the kimono dragon. No, it's going to be, it's a couple,

but they're still together. So, and it's, I'm just going to rip off the third and fourth pick because I think these would be like a gone baby gone type couple where they're like young and they just are super

in love with each other yeah and they just care about things but they're so it's gonna be jake gyllenhaal oh it's gonna be the gentleman and olivia wild as the girl oh olivia wild yeah jake gyllenhaal olivia wild getting it done as like uh trying to create this narrative in my head and it's just not working i think i'm just wanting all these people to be in a mob movie yeah and then a different creative takes over and does it fixes it yeah so yeah i cast it and they're like i see what you did you wrote an awful script but like attached a bunch of good actors to it i gave you the carrots and the celery and the meat and you make the stew yeah that's what i'm going to say to somebody but i just i think jake gyllenhaal is fantastic. He's definitely the celery, though. Everything.

No, I like Jake Gyllenhaal. I love Jake Gyllenhaal. I love him. I think Olivia Wilde's honestly the celery. Yeah, she could be. I just like him. He's good. He's cool.

Yeah, yeah. And I can do intense. He can do romantic. He can do crazy. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he does it all the time. Like in Southpaw, I liked it, but not a lot of people did. But he was so shredded and so intense yeah like you put him in a different movie that that would

be a good character i always like him even if i don't necessarily like the movie he's in but i always like him like he always nails it fantastic and olivia wilde i feel like for me she hasn't really got to sink her teeth in yet she may not not have. Like, I want to see her in, like, a Michelle Monaghan-type role in Gone Baby Gone, where she's like a, I don't know, just this super powerful woman in this young couple, this young, like, mobby couple around town. I legitimately can't tell the difference between her and Olivia Munn.

They look so different. But I just get them always confused. Their names you get to this. Olivia Munn was on The Daily Show. Yeah, I mean,ivia munn was in the new x-men movie olivia wilde has she just like classic good looks high cheekbones she's uh dating jason sudeikis she was in what was that house was she in house she was in alpha dog i know mike loves the movie alpha dog yeah it's one of my House. Everybody's favorite movie, Alpha Dog. Her name on House was Dr. Remy 13 Hadley.

They just called her 13 the whole time. They did? Yeah. Oh, okay. You've seen that much House? Cover to cover. Cover to cover. Celebrates the entire franchise.

Dude, it's a great series. Yeah, it's a great show. He solves one crime by doing LSD. Really? Yeah. Or not a crime, but a health mystery. Health mystery. A crime against health. That would be fun to go into the doctor

and just tell him, well, I got a health mystery for you to solve. The doctor would feel really cool. I swallowed a Rubik's Cube. Unsolved. I took three and a half molly. I need you to tell me why I did that. This is, I realize while I'm saying this, this is a completely unfair double standard.

But she's almost so beautiful that I'm like, I don't buy her as anything. I know. It's astonishing. But it's like, who were we just talking about? Well, it's not going to come to me right now. But she somehow could be made to look like you mean like a normal person yeah you know which is crazy because when you look at her you're just like that's not that's not happening but yeah she drinking buddies was another movie she

was in oh that's right like uh with your boy jake johnson and she looks very just you know just like a gal you would see working at some beer place so i want her and jake jilly to go on a tear maybe they're maybe they accidentally stole some money like jake jill and hall seems like the guy who accidentally did the crime like found a duffel bag full of money and they needed it really bad yeah so he kept it but then he got got in way too deep that kind of thing and she's just trying to get his back. Maybe they go on the run somehow. Well, yeah, her parents are journalists. I knew she had some crazy, like upbringing.

Olivia, Olivia Wilde's parents are like journalists on 60 minutes. That's both of them. Uh, one of them is, that's crazy. Leslie Cockburn. Huh?

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what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I, what do I you mean olivia cockburn isn't the the sex symbol that sean was selling us i can't believe i get so pissed when i laugh at something like that she's like descended from like upper class british empire people oh yeah that would be some some some weird if i'd like you had like regal blood in you well did you uh this isn't like super regal, but I didn't know that Spike Jones's parents

are the Spiegel people. Who are the Spiegel? Spiegel is the- The Spiegel people. It's the magazine about like really swanky furniture and stuff. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn't know that either.

Spike Jones? Yeah. Okay. No, I had no idea. Makes sense. So, secretly wealthy, been forever, I i had no idea so secretly wealthy been forever i think who else is secretly wealthy there's some good julie louis dreyfus that's a good one what's his name that steve ioki did you know oh yeah his dad owns benny hana whoa see i feel like that's how you

if you're gonna be a dj you have to have a dad that owns But the thing is, he is the most famous DJ. I mean, like Calvin Harris. But so do you want to think like, is it talent or is it because he had the means to say, I'm just going to. It's both, right? Yeah. So do you think someone like Steve Aoki would not be one of the most famous DJs in the world if he didn't come from.

Well, there's plenty of shitty versions. Like James Dolan, the guy who owns the knicks is like dedicated his life to learning blues music blues in general is not like you don't want to hear it from the billionaire heir to a cable fortune certainly what are you sad what i'm kind of sad yeah they're the wrong kind of croutons at the fucking dinner party you're at. And it's also like you should be sad because you're blowing it. You have one of the most storied franchises and you're blowing it. What would be meta is if his blues songs were about how bad he was at singing the blues.

Or owning a basketball team. Yeah. What if he writes a blues diss track about Charles Oakley? Oh, that'd be funny. Spike Jonze's brother is a DJ. Squeak E. Clean. Sam Squeak E. Clean Spiegel. You gotta have rich parents.

They're gonna be hanging out with that third Hemsworth. I don't know about that name, Sam. Spike Jonze owns a fourth of my favorite skateboard company, Girl Skateboards. So, there we go. Cool. A there we go. Cool. A little tidbit. Jake Gyllenhaal, Olivia Wilde.

Yep, Jake Gyllenhaal and Olivia Willey. I love it. I'm interested to see after this draft is complete what this movie's like. Because I've never been sitting there thinking, you know who needs to be in a mob movie? I'm sorry. This isn't the part where I'm making fun of you. This is a content.

Well, I'm ready to take it. I'm no Shane Torres over here. I can handle it. End of the show. Jake Gyllenhaal. You know what's interesting? And this is just all of us. None of us have taken like an Italian guy.

We're all sitting here drafting fucking, we've all gotten too cute. I'm thinking like loose mob. I'm not thinking like good fellas. Crime movie. Yeah. But still mobby, like mob tie, like there's organized crime in a sense in these movies this draft speaks to the decline

of the Italian mafia they should be ashamed of themselves they should take a good hard look at themselves after this think about what they need to be doing to get back in our good graces wake up and smell the tiny cup of coffee you're drinking. Italian mafia.

All right. It's time for my fourth pick. With my fourth pick, I'm continuing the no Italians and taking John Malkovich. Sure. Yeah. Scary dude. Another American. Another, although he could play a Russian.

We know that from the motion picture. Pechim his money. Pechim his money. Splash the pot in my fucking club. Pechim his money. It should be no surprise we like rounders. We are exactly that type of guy. I could

definitely see a Sunday rolling around in the near future where it's like, you just want to watch rounders? I know we were going to go to the mall but let's just watch Rounders and then go to the mall

it's a great movie it's one of my favorite Matt Damon performances Fomka Jensen's awesome in it John Turturro I love Turturro whatever that dude who plays Grandma

the hard ass guy who plays Grandma wearing like cowboy pajamas kitty pajamas everywhere he's got like the button back door pajamas on yeah that's weird you the button back door pajamas on.

Yeah, that's weird. You're the guy. What a weird good character choice. But yeah, John Malkovich is in this movie being a scary dude. I love John Malkovich. The weird thing, he's a conservative, which I don't love. But you know, Ed Harris probably is too. I bet he is.

I can see that. Yeah. Is he connected with Ed Harris in the movie? These are all, they're all, he's a different girl. Oh, that's right. I harris in the movie these are all they're all he's a different oh that's right yeah yeah i'm sorry but they're trying to keep peace you know what's weird and john malkovich you know i'm gonna have him be some weird like fucking he runs he runs miami yeah but he never goes outside yeah he's not a huge fan of like sunlight yeah no he stays he stays indoors he's always putting on...

His character's always putting on suntan lotion. Uh-huh. You know? Real worried about it. Yeah. What do you mean we got to go right now? Well, hold on. He got exiled from the Italian mob up north.

They sent him down to Miami to run things, and then he got too big for his britches, you know, and had to let... Sort of, he became dangerous. Yeah, it's what happens when you get bored. So you're just like, yeah, well, let's just start shaking people down for fun. I'm bored. So he's down there.

Anyway, that's John Malkovich. I picked him. Yeah. Yeah. I like me a John Malkovich. There it is. Old Jay Malk. Johnny Malks.

Mike Malloy. Mike Malloy. All right. So my fourth pick, I am going with Gabrielle Union. Oh, sure. The trend continues. Oh, yeah. It continues. Is Gabrielle Union. Oh, sure. The trend continues. Oh, yeah. It continues. Is Gabrielle in relation?

Yes, so she is the eldest daughter of Viola Davis, elder sister. That's a powerful-ass family. Yeah. She's the other daughter, right? She's the youngest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like third in command. Miss Dwayne Wade.

Yeah. Miss Dwayne Wade. Yeah. Missed Dwayne Wade. And what's Hallie's role again? Hallie is the, she took over for the gang when Viola went to jail, but Gabrielle was too young at the time. Yeah, you can't. She couldn't handle the gang. She's certainly too young.

So there's a transition coming. So Hallie was holding down the reins while mom was in jail. And a little resentment between Hallie and Gabrielle. You never know. I can feel the tension now. Yeah, I feel it too. It's palpable. It is full of tension in there.

It's very tense. I can see them in big rooms. Just two people in a big room having conversations. Oh, yeah. And you know what? They're so big on the screen, they fill that room, baby. Plenty. God, that would be...

I would go see this movie. I would definitely. I would go see all these movies, to be honest, because I see a lot of movies. Gabrielle Union's cool, man. Gabrielle Union, I've loved her forever, since Bring It On. I mean, she's just dope. At some point, Dwayne Wade's not going to be in the nba anymore and then she's gonna be yeah you'll become increasingly less you know the way a former

nba player because when we see them when they're famous they're all in like the best shape of their lives so even when they just get a little fat and like normal old, they look so washed. Tracy McGrady even looks like shit now. Right, exactly. Just because he's not Tracy McGrady. Even though he probably is only like 8% body fat. You know what I mean? They're like still in amazing shape.

And they're like 40, which is a normal age for people to be. Definitely. But they look so washed because when we saw them, they were like 23 and the best athletes on earth. Yeah. And like most of them are bulky. so washed because when we saw them they were like 23 and the best athletes on earth yeah and like most of them are bulky so i mean they're just big muscular dudes yeah and then the second they stop running miles a day yeah adds up a little bit just a couple steaks a week the conditioning goes away quick yeah you start needing a lot of lobster tempura and shit like that your two days are at outback and then at what point do uh does gabrielle

union be like okay so now we're gonna move to la yeah i've been i lived in miami i lived in chicago oh it's definitely now now we're going to la and i'm getting my career back oh as soon as he retires he's he's got to go he has to go i wonder if that i wonder if that hurts like i wonder if that's hurts the dynamic of their marriage her because she would need to be here i would imagine well well carmelo anthony yeah they married dalala well they just they're separated now i didn't know that today just broke today she didn't want to leave new york she didn't that was part one of the big reasons that mellow angled for that new york thing and stayed there and now they're separated around the same time that like phil jackson's trying to ship carmelo out of there.

It's interesting. Phil Jackson ruined their marriage. He did. I think he did. Thanks a lot, Phil. Real spiteful son of a bitch. They said that the tensions of the season. And now he's got to bring down every man's marriage?

Real piece of shit. Mel has been with Lala since 2003, when I graduated from high school. Yeah. Right when Angela Bridget Lansbury, Dame Angela Bridget Lansbury was getting her second divorce. Well, no, graduated from high school. Yeah. Right when Dame Angela Bridget Lansbury was getting her second divorce. Well, no, I believe he died. Oh. You typically don't get divorced in your 80s.

Just in 98. You just wait it out. Now that I'm hearing it out loud, it makes so much more sense, obviously. But, you know, that was just me. I'm being vulnerable with my friends. I apologize. She could still get married.

Gabrielle Union, good pick. She was also Bad Boys 2, right? Yeah. She was fucking, she was dating Willie. Yeah. Willie Spliff. On the low, though. On the way low.

Martin didn't care for it. Martin was not a fan of the relationship. Woosa. Woosa. The relationship. All right. Zach Toscani, it's time for your fourth pick which aarp eligible actor are you going to pick so like i said it's going to be intergenerational so we

have the we have the uh older generation yeah sam jackson is like the consigliere to mel brooks consigliere but these folks have kids they have kids just like Mike's movie. And so the first kid, Charlize Theron. Oh, I was gonna take her! You mentioned her earlier and it popped in. She wasn't on my list initially. Did you mention her during this

since we've been talking? He talked about her. Oh, you know what? I wasn't gonna take her anymore. I passed out. But yeah, she was on my list. I forgot how deep we were. If I had sex, I would've.

Keep going. I'm sorry. It's not about me. No, no, no. But she is the daughter. Yeah. And she's kind of sided with mel brooks she's on mel brooks is okay so yeah making an x everyone's picking their favorites yeah gotta do it yeah and mel brooks is she playing she's the star i think is she doing a little bit of a jewish act so she's a jew because there's no way your Mel Brooks character isn't.

Yeah. Right. Can't get that one past Amy Gould. Unless they just do heavy makeup. There's no makeup that's going to change the way he talks and acts. That guy is a spinning dreidel of a human being. Well, is Angela Lansbury Jewish? This is British juice.

I work for one. Sure, I know. Not coordinator, producer. Yeah. A spinning dreidel of a human being. Charlize Theron. Jew. I love it. Chelsea Handler, Charlize's close friend, is Jewish. There you go.

And then... They're not all shixes. So there's also a son. Oh, that's right it's a fifth pick this son leans towards Angela Linsbury we have Jude Law

oh I love Jude Law Jude Law he can chew up the scenery that lip acting he was in a gangster movie he was in Road to Perdition he was like the hitman the weird hitman That lip acting. He was in a gangster movie. He was in Road to Perdition. Road to Perdition, yeah. Really?

He was like the hitman. The weird hitman that would photograph all the dead bodies. You know all that glass in his face? Yeah, real buck. Dude, what a weird hot guy. I love when a hot guy is weird. He's not traditionally hot. He's hot, though.

He is very hot. I was watching The Holiday yesterday. Yeah, yesterday. The one with Cameron Diaz but when like i was watching the holiday yesterday or yeah yesterday the one with uh cameron diaz you know you're wearing holiday on the holiday just look at the guy and he doesn't look like knock you out of your seat like if you saw him walking around the americana you'd be like oh there's that guy's probably rich and he's pretty good looking yeah but you know that's what you think until you see him in real life and then i bet he's amazing have you ever seen him in real life in real life i don't think i have irl as the kids you could wear

the fuck out of a suit. That's what, yeah. He looks, yeah, he looks fantastic. Don't get a suit near him. He'll wear the fuck out of it. Don't even try being a suit near Jude Law. In Young Pope? Oh, man.

I love him. Some of those scenes, that's what solidifies it for me. I'm just starting Young Pope. You can bring that rage. Having got into it, yeah. It is, Jude Law is heavy. Yeah, he's great. He's fantastic in it.

He's funny. Yeah. The show is beautiful. I like that. Yeah, I like that show.'s fantastic in it. He's funny. The show is beautiful. I like that. Yeah, I like that show. Jude Law wears a clock so you know what time it is in that show. Yeah, I'm with Jude Law.

I'm with Jude Law. He was also in... He was in... Oh, no. He was in Sherlock Holmes. That's right. He played Dr. Watson. He was in one of my favorite movies

back in the day that not a lot of people know about. It's called Closer. And it's just like a big, weird infidelity movie but that was people know about that movie natalie portman yeah i feel like a lot of people slept on a lot of people yeah well maybe maybe people older than us it's fantastic liked it but it was that was like an oscar movie right i don't know i can't remember i was 25 on 23 or something based on a big play. It was fantastic.

But yeah, Jude Law was great in it. Played kind of a coward. Loved it. Yeah. Jude Law, excellent pick. Jude Lazy. So I guess we'll go through the entire draft and then we'll explain our movies. Mike Malloy, it's time for your fifth, I'm assuming, Ebony Queen.

I'll tell you, I'm having a real crisis of conscience here. I'm torn between two. And it is neither it is is not an anubian princess this time uh i was leaning towards paul giamatti oh my god however don't lean away no i got one that I think can beat it. As the head of the rival gang. Yeah. Sir motherfucking Elton John. What? He's never acted. So that could be...

Yeah. And him as the head of a rival gang would be badass. Whoa. Elton John as Big Gay Dan. So you have this extremely powerful family of women and then Elton John as the rival.

Yeah, baby! Not a single straight cis white man on my screen, baby. No room for him. This is the only time that Elton John and Paul Giamatti have been in a dead heat for anything and you know what I also read

for that yeah you did you wouldn't think it because Elton John got it but I also read for that I can't do a Paul Giamatti got beat by his fucking yeah I can't do it James Adomian's Paul Giamatti though perfect Sir Elton John that Sir Elton John.

That's fucking crazy. Wow. So is he playing like an Elton John-y sort of like flamboyant character? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is he wearing like Gucci robes and shit like that? Oh, he's just, he's stone cold in it. He's just turning it up to 11.

I love that. That's all he's doing. I love Elton John. Basically just like, yeah, filming him at the crib and like, yeah, we'll just use that. Yeah, exactly. Marlon Brando rules. And he's the one who framed viola davis for murder of her husband oh my gosh there it is that's why the

dude's out of the picture exactly he was killed by a falling piano played by french stewart did she kill her husband no she didn't no elton John did it. He just said it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, they are. I apologize. I was so lost in the sauce over the picture. Stirring my brains up. Also, but he's also an Oscar winner. I mean, for what, Lion King or something? The same way that, like, 3-6 Mavio.

Yeah, hey, it counts. I mean, if I ever get invited to Elton John's crib and I see that sitting on the middle, I'm not going to say, you know, that's a technicality, right? You can't discount that man's Oscar. I'm not. I'm just not an acting Oscar. He made you feel the goddamn love that evening.

Like in that Grammy for album art that we talked about in an earlier podcast. It is. It's different. It's different. We have an Oscar winning actor. What do you want if we're editing? But I'm not hating on the pick. I like Sir Elton John.

I love it. Yeah. That's an interesting ass movie, my friend. All right. It's time for my final pick. All right. And to the cast I'm adding the one Jonathan Depp. Oh, sure. Johnny Depp. Oh, sure.

Johnny Depp. Yeah. Another chameleon. Another chameleon there. Yeah, Johnny Depp's in it. And should I explain my movie now, or should we wait until all the picks have been made? I mean, I'm going to have a rough time explaining mine,

but I can wing it. I'll explain it right now. So we have Jason Statham, Sir Ben Kingsley, Ed Harris, and John Malkovich. We're four established gang leaders. Let's just say they're all in New York.

Even though these two guys are British, they run the British wing, they're all four different gang members, right? And they're all bald dudes. Every single one of them, powerful bald men. Jason Statham bald. Ben Kingsley bald. Ed Harris John Malkovich bald. And then Johnny Depp rises

to power in this fifth family with his beautiful long locks his Johnny Depp hair down to his shoulders. He's got this long beautiful hair. The perfect length for him. And there's always been peace between these five families before. But now these bald guys are jealous of Johnny Depp's long, luscious flowing locks.

It's a new Guy Ritchie type of movie. Where it's a little bit of a comedic one. But still with a lot of action in there. With these four dudes trying to kill Johnny Depp and eliminate his gang because ultimately they're jealous of his hair. He's new to the scene, not new to the hair. He's risen to the power. He didn't just go to Bosley and get this shit taken care of.

He finally rose to the top of power in this family. Can I pose a title to this movie? Yes. Heretics. Oh, heretics! Hair Trigger. Hair Trigger, that's a good one too. Hair Trigger. Oh, heretics. Hair trigger. Hair trigger. That's a good one too. Hair trigger. Bald, bald face.

Just bald. Bald. Bald face liars. I like that every time. The bald and the bullet full. The four of them get together and they're like talking about, because he also probably did something shady like he kills, he just keeps doing shady shit. Well, he murdered, you know, because if you get, like if I got got to the sixth pick alan arkin used to be the head of this family okay yeah

and johnny depp killed him knocked him off fair is fair but now he's the head of this family so they killed it used to be the five bald men who ran new york and all of a sudden johnny depp's in there with his long beautiful hair the fuck is he doing in here you know how about locks and glocks oh locks oh yeah locks locks and loaded yeah yeah yeah yeah locked yeah locked locked yeah locked and loaded locks and hair locks hair locks i get it i'm just not too quick on the uptake yeah so it's malkovich ed harris ben kingsley and j Jason Statham all just gunning for Johnny Depp. And every time they decide, every time he foils one of their plans, they bitch about it. And then they're like, and that fucking hair.

And that hair. And then it just cuts deep. It's just ridiculous. Yeah. And he's still got that fucking hair. And then it's him brushing his hair in the car on the way out or something. It's the four of them all hairless in a sauna just bitching. That's why I was going to take Charlize Theron.

Because she and Mad Max, we know she can rock that. The bald look. That bald look. Yeah. Great, great bald look. Oh, yeah. It's a tough, yeah. It's a tough one.

So that's my movie. All right. Sean Jordan. Let's see. Let's put a button on it. Make it all make sense. Or put a bow on it. So the last role I'm going to pick is going to be like the cop.

Sure. And it's going to be Steve Carell. Whoa. I think he's got it in him somewhere. I think he could play like a gritty cop kind of dude. Like a serious or gritty? Yeah. I mean, he's funny enough, but I think he could think he could be in a good and a very serious role.

I mean, yeah, he was in Snow Fox, right? What was that? Fox Catcher. Or Fox Catcher, not Snow Fox. What was that one that he did with Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling? The Office. No. Crazy Stupid Love?

Yeah, that's it. Yeah. That was good. Yeah, I mean, and he was in Dan in Real Life. Like, he's just... He's been, like, some serious characters. Dan in Real Life. Sure.

That's a serious, serious... So what's the movie about?'s the story well so idris elba is a friend of the family and the reason that um that jk simmons is raising him is because his father who was forest whittaker would have been my six pick uh he was murdered so jk simmons has had idris elba since he was a baby and he just kind of brought him up in this business and that's why he's the right hand man poised to take over and i think jake jilly and olivia willie found i'm sticking with that like found a bag of money they weren't supposed to find oh wow and they needed it for a good reason they needed it for a really good reason maybe uh one of their kids they're you know their daughter's got leukemia

so oh wow they found like 500 grand or something so they're gonna they're trying to figure out how to pay her hospital bills with that money and uh you know and steve carell's a cop on the case i feel like this movie's coming out in like february maybe steve carell's February maybe Steve Carell's deciding maybe he knows what's going on the whole time and he's deciding how he wants to play this because he knows that that's bad money and it could be going for a good

thing but also there's the ethical choice that he is an officer of the law and he should he should rectify this whole situation but a part of him wants them to leave with the money so he helps them escape you've talked me into it he like kind of makes JK and Idris turn a blind eye to it because he is helping jake jilley and olivia willie yeah rid their daughter of leukemia interest for a low five hundred thousand dollars

who's who do you have directing a movie like this tim burton we're gonna give it to what no no i was kidding i was just i couldn't think of a director. Who's that got a heart attack? I'm too on the spot. Come back to me for a director. Like at the end of this, we'll do a director. Well, at the end of it. Zach, do you have a director in mind or a name for your movie? Walk us through your plot.

So the movie is... So you have Samuel L. Jackson, Mel Brooks, Angela Lansbury, Charlize Theron, and Jude Law. Right. So like I said, Mel Brooks, Angela Lansbury, Charlize Theron, and Jude Law. Right. So like I said, Mel Brooks, Angela Lansbury, married for a long time. Bad divorce. Yeah. But she kind of seemingly on to his face, got over it. But she's been plotting.

She wants to take over. On Mel Brooks' side, we have Sam Jackson, who's the consigliere. But guess what? Maybe he's always kind of liked Angela a little bit more. But guess what? Maybe he's always kind of liked Angela a little bit more. Also under Mel Brooks, we have Charlize Theron as the prodigal daughter. She's there.

And Jude Law is with Angela Lansbury. Jude Law is kind of the one who's really pushing this agenda because he really wants to take over. Right. So he's pushing his mom to take over. Then when she goes, it's all him. So what he does is he knows that his sister, Charlize Theron, you know, she likes the ladies. Yeah. Nothing wrong with that. So he gets Kate Mara.

Oh, Kate Mara. Would have been the sixth pick. Kate Mara slips in and takes care of Charlize. There's a little bit of a romantic relationship. And then. Who's directing a movie like this? Directing a movie, this would be Damien Chazelle. Oh, it's a Chazelle, so it's serious. And no jazz.

No jazz, and finally. Wow. Mike Malloy, what's your... So the basic plot is that Viola Davis is playing a character named Babs Billingsley. Whoa! This is a period piece. This is a little bad. Yeah.

Yeah, back to when black women were in the criminal element. Yeah. So this is going to be like 1920s. Oh, cool. Set around then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In Atlanta. Oh.

A little different. Something different. So Viola Davis plays Babs Billingsley, leader of the gang, just getting out of prison for the murder of her husband,

played by motherfucking Denzel Washington. Whoa, six pick Denzel. Six pick. I figure if you guys are throwing sneaky

pics in there, hype it up at the end, I'm gonna too. It was actually murdered by Elton John, Sir Elton John, you may know him as. I want to see that murder scene where Denzel dies.

Who plays the rival gang leader by the name of Big Gay Dan. Who does? Elton John. Elton John plays a character named Big Gay Dan? Yeah. But it's the 20s, so gay didn't mean gay. Yeah, they didn't know that. He was just a happy guy.

They were just like, yeah, this is happy, son of a bitch. Sir Elton John, what did you think of the script where you're Big Gay Dan? But his name is also Dan Gay Man. Oh. So that's why they call him Big Gay Dan. Big Gay Dan, the Big Gay Man. Okay. Okay.

That's the hardest I've ever seen Mike laugh. Okay. And Halle Berry is playing a lady by the name of Sherry Stevens. Oh, yeah. She takes over the gang for Babs while she's away in prison. A little bit of a power struggle between the two when she comes back. And a little bit between the family, played by Gabrielle Union, who plays Mitzi Billingsley, and Janelle Monae, who plays Bitsy Billingsley. Oh, Bitsy and Bitsy.

Bitsy and Bitsy. Bitsy, Bitsy, and Babs? Bitsy action, little period piece, take us back a bit. So it's just about the power struggle. And who's sitting in that director's chair? Director's chair? I'm going Darren Aronofsky. Whoa.

Yeah. Whoa, coming back.ofsky. Whoa. Coming back. James Cameron. All right. Excellent. Well, there's the movies. I'd watch all these. I mean, I've definitely watched worse movies than mine.

So, yeah. I would watch my movie because I have seen The Animal also. So, that's my gauge. So, that's it. Thank you, Sean, Zach, Mike. Thank you for joining us. Hell yeah. Thank you for listening.

And make sure you tune in next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. that was a hate gun podcast