All Fantasy Everything - Casual Dining Restaurants (w/ Amy Miller and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: February 9, 2017

Where do you go when you want the familiarity and convenience of a fast food chain, and the ambience and luxury of... I dunno... friggin' Versailles (heard of it!?) Casual dining, AKA chain restaurants. Joining host Ian Karmel are comedians Amy Miller and Sean Jordan. Your table is ready. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. designed to take around 30 minutes or so for everyone from novices, like me, to seasoned home cooks, like Jeremy Renner, probably. I don't know for sure, but I imagine that guy's got a lot going on. He could probably make you a really delicious breakfast with whatever's in your fridge right now. Or he could use HelloFresh and make something amazing. HelloFresh sources the freshest ingredients measured to the exact quantities needed, so there's no food waste, which is a huge problem. There's billboards all over L.A. saying, like, don't waste food. And, you know, once there's billboards, you know it's a problem.

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Yep, promo code ALLFANTASY to go to HelloFresh right now and get $35 off your first week of deliveries and you're going to want to do this. The food is like seriously good. They sent me some free stuff. It's delicious. I had the meatloaf balsamico with mashed sweet potatoes and green beans and it was super

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You're going to be stoked. I'm going to be stoked. You're going to eat meatloaf. All right, on to the episode. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Ladies and gentlemen, All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that drafts the whole wide world. Doesn't that sound fun and cute? So cute. Thank you very much. I'm working on catchphrases.

Was there one in there? Yeah. The podcast that drafts the... I forgot it. I made it up and it's gone. Very zippy. All Fantasy Everything. Not your mama's... No, my mom does listen to this. All Fantasy Everything. Your dad said to call him back.

He's not alive. He must have said it from beyond the grave, my friend. All Fantasy Everything. You guys want to get a basket of fries for the table? Yes! There it is! I can't. You're so bad. No, come on. Everybody will have a couple.

Today's episode, we are drafting casual dining restaurants. Shout out to the Doughboys podcast, who I think are are drafting casual dining restaurants shout out to the Doughboys podcast who I think are all about casual dining casual dining restaurant is a restaurant chain

but you sit down at it so we're not talking about your Burger Kings your McDonald's so much we're talking about more it's a nice night out you'll see it's a nice night out

it's where you in Sioux Falls it's where you go on a second date maybe even a fifth or your first or your all of them or your 40th wedding anniversary all dates uh today to draft casual dining restaurants we have we have podcast favorite Sean Jordan what if it was somebody who wasn't from Sioux Falls and you said that and I just brought it up just in honor of you I'm I'm thrilled to be here Bob Barker Bob Barker, everybody. It's Bob Barker. January Jones. January Jones agreed to be on the podcast for some odd reason.

I like that we all know that. We all know him. You say it so often. Tom Brokaw, no big deal. Is it Mike Miller? Mike Miller, yeah. Mike Miller? He's from Mitchell, but close enough.

But the NBA's Mike Miller. Big dream catcher tattoo on his shoulder. Brock Lesnar, big tattoo of a cross on his chest. Big corn-fed fella. I didn't know that. UFC. You never dropped that one on me before. Bob Barker or Brock Lesnar? At Sean of a cross on his chest. Big corn-fed fella. Oh, I didn't know that. UFC. You never dropped that one on me before. Bob Barker or Brock Lesnar?

At Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. This will come out tomorrow. Are there any shows to plug for you? Not that I can think of. March 8th in Portland, but you know. Beautiful. It's a month. March 8th in Portland.

All joining Sean and I. First timer, but hopefully going to be a long timer. I hope so, too. Our friend, the brilliant comedian Amy Miller's in the house. Hello. Yay. At Amy Miller on Twitter. You have an album out right now on Kill Rockstars Records called Solid Gold.

Yes, we're label buddies. We are label buddies. I'm also on Kill Rockstars. We're on Kill Rockstars together. It's an amazing album. Go out and buy it right now. Thank you. Is it still available on gold vinyl?

It is, yeah. It's so cool. I Go out and buy it right now. Thank you. Is it still available on gold vinyl? It is, yeah. It's so cool. I have a bunch and I take them to shows. Where can people see you in the next month or so? Let's see. Next time,

well, let's plug, I'll be at Sacramento Punchline next weekend with Dan Soder and I'll have all the goods there with me. That's an amazing show, you and Dan Soder. That's such a good one.

Oh, yeah, he's the best. He is. I really love Dan Soder. He's fantastic. He's so good. Dan Soda. That's such a good one. Oh, yeah. He's the best. He is. I really love Dan Soda. He's fantastic. He's so good. Yeah. And he's like such a good actor. Yeah. You know, like not distracting in the way that a lot of comics where you're like, that's my friend. Where they only know how. And they like try

to be stand-ups while they're acting. Yeah. That's what I always try to do. You know, they're like, I'll take a coffee. I'm Ian Carmel. Just every role. I'm Ian Carmel. and my father was killed in the 9-11 attacks he wasn't but in this role you know i would watch that movie yeah just me being way too loud extremely loud and incredibly loud we'll watch a movie like that eventually i mean it'll happen where one of us will have to be like in dramatic role? You will be. I don't see me doing it. It'll be you. It ain't gonna be me.

The only dramatic role I'm interested in are the roles they bring out at casual dining restaurants. What a transition machine. Oh my god, I'm professional. To determine the order of today's draft, we'll be playing a game of rock, paper, scissors between Amy and Sean.

And again, the draft is serpentine. Sure. It is a serpentine draft. If you draft third in the first round, you draft first in the second round. It slithers like a snake. It slithers like a snake. And ready to go. Rock, paper, scissors, and shoot. It's on you guys. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Scissors. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Yeah. Oh! Sean Jordan won, and you get to determine today's draft order. Amy's going first. All right. I'm going second. You're going third. Amy, Sean, Ian.

Amy, Sean, Ian. Fantastic. I like going in the middle. I like the middle. I don't know why. Fantastic. Again, a serpentine draft. You're a middle monkey.

Serpentine draft. Sort of like a snake. It's going to be a quick one today, because I've got to get to the DMV. So this will take about an hour. The Department of Motor Vehicles. Sure, yeah. You hear that, Highway Patrol? He's riding dirty. I've been riding dirty. He's riding a miracle whip right now. Normally I am riding dirty.

My registration expired in August. It takes too much time. It's fucking forever. Okay, Amy, you have the first pick in the casual dining restaurant fantasy draft. I'm not a big sports fan, so I don't know. Do you go big right out of the gate? You know, the main strategy is to take something you think is not going to be there.

So whatever you think is the scarcest. Then I feel that way about this. It's a big one. Yeah. Unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. Oh, so we're talking like an Olive Garden experience. Yes. The Olive Garden. When you're there, you're family. That's what I hear.

The Olive Garden goes off the board first. I fucking love the Olive Garden, and I think it catches more shit than it deserves. Love. And all three of those items are delicious, and you can change up your soup. Those breadsticks alone... Yeah, I used to go a lot in high school because my boyfriend worked there. They're bragging on the podcast.

What did he do there? He was a server and bringing home that cash, which is a lot when you're in high school. If you make like $80 in tips, you're like. That's all the money there is. What do you want me to do for you? $20 on a Sublime CD at Sam Goody? On a Sublime CD for your girlfriend, Amy Miller. His would have been like Wilco or something.

But yeah. And he always smelled like the Olive Garden. So now I still have like a little bit of a sexual connection if I smell the Olive Garden. If you walk into the Olive Garden. Yeah, because I lost my virginity to someone who smelled like the Olive Garden all the time. This was the dude. Yeah. The first one into the Olive Garden. Yeah, because I lost my virginity to someone who smelled like the Olive Garden all the time. This was the dude. Yeah. The first one into your Olive Garden.

To get into my treasure box. The first person to break into the temple. First one to get my unlimited soup and salad. The man who gave you unlimited breadsticks. Yeah, and he did bring them home pretty often. And that's like the best thing. Like someone comes home with like cash and breadsticks and you're 17. You're just laying there naked.

I can't believe we're not married. I worked at a different Italian casual dining restaurant that I won't name in case it gets picked. Yeah, sure, sure. But like I used to love – I would bring home like salad and bread and then just like a jug of ranch. Just a disgusting – just to dip both the bread and the salad into. You got to. Like a monster. I'm a huge ranch fan, but I'll say the Olive Garden salad is one of the few that I'm like,

for casual dining, like go with their vinaigrette. It is. It is a good vinaigrette. It's very tasty. I don't know how the Olive Garden started catching so much shit. It's spaghetti. It's real hard to fuck up spaghetti. And they don't fuck it up.

It's just one of those things that people are scared to admit they like. It is. It's so hard to fuck up spaghetti and they don't fuck it up. It's just one of those things that people are scared to admit they like. Everybody wants to. It's so easy to make fun of and everyone's like, oh yeah, fuck the Olive Garden. Not fuck the Olive Garden. It's fantastic. Oh, and listen. I'm all about it. Design-wise, ambience, you know they got all that ivy. You can get kind of a private table. You can. You can get wine.

They have like different kinds of wine there. A carafe of wine. Yeah, I love a carafe of wine. Oh, it's the best. I think we had a football team dinner at an Olive Garden during an endless pasta, and that was a mess. Got to carve up. That was a real mess. You mean the game was a mess the next day? Everything was a mess.

The game was a mess. Our insides were a mess. There were no lessons learned by anyone. The game was the next day. And still, as an 18-year-old, 17, still feeling heavily laden down by pasta 24 hours later. How much pasta? As a 17-year-old, do you remember how much

pasta I would have had to eat to make me feel tired the next day? Do you know how much spaghetti we must have eaten? A whole football team. A whole football team, all of us 17 years old, eating unlimited pasta. There's no way the Olive Garden made money on that back when you have no shame by the way you're like give me hey give me more and they're like we've given you

five plates give me more and i'll have five more i don't give a fuck i'll be sitting here yeah until i feel like leaving yep things you can't say isn't it yeah that's the table that makes it all break even for them like they assume most people have one plate maybe another half right we brought we brought right down into the red. Right down into the red sauce. I also like, doesn't the Olive Garden, they'll play like really corny Italian music in the background? Oh, yeah. When the moon hits your eyes.

Oh, yeah. Then they do the whole thing. I'm very into that. You feel like you're in The Sopranos. I love that. I love, because like that's the level of Italian I want to do. Like now that I'm older and I have like a tiny bit of money, I'll go to like a nice Italian restaurant and have a good time. Yes.

But what I really want is that fucking corny Goodfellas experience. Yeah. You know what I mean? I want to show up. I want Tony Bennett to be playing. I want somebody to say marinara instead of marinara. That's all I want. I want the Disneyland version.

A gomma. Marinara. Our olive garden, I knew everyone that worked at it, all of my friends, and so it really soured the one that we had in town because I'm like, I know you. I know what you do when you're not at work. Oh, man. No, I'm not saying they jacked off into it.

I'm just saying I knew how they were in life. I'm like, I don't need that. I don't think I was in love with someone who would jack off into the Alfredo sauce. I didn't say that you were. When I worked at a casual dining restaurant, again, unnamed, everyone was very clean. Maybe that was Portland, Oregon, but everyone was like a very, nobody was like a scummy person who did anything gross. I think the percentage of people that do stuff like that is very, very small. I think it's tiny.

There's no way to do it. It's so busy and well lit in the back. These people were just dirtbags and gent. They weren't doing stuff to the food. They just weren't washing their hands. I just knew how they existed outside of the restaurant. But they weren't cooks. A couple of them were, yeah. Oh, well, that's a different story.

They ran the whole place. Don't eat at the Sioux Falls Olive Garden. Even before. Yeah. Speaking of the Sioux Falls Olive Garden, let's give the Sioux Falls Olive Garden. Don't. Just even before. Yeah. You should have known that. Speaking of the Sioux Falls Olive Garden, let's give the Sioux Falls favorite son to come in and make the second pick of the first round of the All Fantasy Everything Casual Dining Experience. Second pick of the All Fantasy Everything Casual Dining Experience is going to be Buffalo

Wild Wings. Oh, you motherfucker. Like I didn't know. Just the whole restaurant? God damn it. Like I don't live with you. What are we doing? Of course.

Fuck. Just the whole thing? That had to be the first pick. Yes. Oh, yeah. We're taking whole restaurants. All right. Yeah. Wait. motherfucker like i didn't know god like i don't live with you what are we doing of course fuck that had to be the first thing yes oh yeah we're taking whole restaurants all right yeah what wait we got all of the olive garden do you think it was just one item at those places yeah god that's also a good i'm gonna keep it pretty specific though you can keep it specific let's use it as a gateway all right you get the whole olive garden you get the whole buffalo Garden. You get the whole Buffalo Wild Wings. I am so jealous. You motherfucker. Spicy garlic. Their sauces.

Their sauces are so good. The lemon pepper. That's another one I go round and round with my friends. They're like, they hate on it. They're like, they're not real wings. Just because it's more popular doesn't make it worse. How is it not a real wing? By the way, we've, now in Portland, Fire on the Mountain for me is the apex of the chicken wing experience. All day, all night.

But in Los Angeles, I haven't had the chicken wing that's better than Buffalo Wild Wings yet. No. It's not duck a la ranch. It doesn't take like a high level of expertise. It involves an elbow. Sure. Dipping a basket into some fry shit and then pulling it out and then putting sauce on it. You don't even need quality chicken.

You don't need quality chicken. Putting then putting sauce on it. You don't even need quality chicken. You don't need quality chicken. Putting like the sauce on it. Their sauce is, they're like the only place where I've purchased the sauce and brought it home. Yeah. It's so. Oh, really? I didn't know you'd done that. Never done it anywhere else.

What do you put on just like a chicken breast? Everything. You've seen me with hot sauce. I mean, I. Sean, can we. Sean puts hot sauce on salad. And hot sauce on hot sauce. On hot sauce with hot sauce. I mean, I... Sean, can we... Sean puts hot sauce on salad. And hot sauce on hot sauce. On hot sauce on hot sauce.

But have you seen him put hot sauce on salad before, Amy? No, it sounds pretty... I've done that. I've never seen... You've done that too? Oh, sure, yeah. Am I living in this world? We're sitting on the couch and I had some sriracha on a salad and Ian just sets up and he goes,

I've never seen anything like that. I've never seen that. You can have a little spice and acidity. Why not? I mean, yeah, it makes sense. It makes sense, I guess. Well, it's just shit solid when they're 60. I've never seen anything like that. You can have a little spice and acidity. Why not? I mean, yeah, it makes sense. Well, it's just shit solid when they're 60. It's just crazy to me.

I've never seen anything like it. You could have been pouring broken glass on to that salad and I would have been less surprised. Hot sauce doesn't seem like... Just lettuce with hot sauce on it seems crazy to me. It's tasty. I guess maybe I'm the crazy one. Put it on those croutons, soak it up a little bit. A crouton would be good. We're all just crazy atoms floating around in the big vacuum of nothing.

You know what I mean? That was nice. I put a little hot sauce onto my food that goes into my atoms. Fucking A. You're a spicy dude. Okay. I still don't understand it. I don't think I'll ever understand.

Didn't you put Tabasco? Or am I crazy? Was. Like it wasn't – didn't you put Tabasco or am I crazy? Was it just Sriracha? It might have been Tabasco. Yeah. I can't remember. I'm a condiment person. Always have been. I just feel like there's no judge in the entire country.

He's a sauce boss. That wouldn't give me back-to-back life sentences for that. That wouldn't give you back-to-back life sentences for putting the hot sauce on your side. Judge, could I have a word? Get in there. Get in the box. No, you can't. No, I mean,

that's why buffalo chicken salad is probably my favorite. It is really good, but it has blue cheese dressing on it. Okay. Yeah, you get some cheese or something like creamy to balance out the hot sauce,

but that's why it's delicious. You're eating hot sauce on salad already. That's true. You just won't cop to it. If you love a buffalo chicken salad. If it's on a menu, it's 100% the thing that I get. It's so good.

Or a wrap. Buffalo chicken wrap or salad. Fire on the mountain buffalo chicken wrap is great. I can't avoid it. I clearly have a lot of soul searching to do. The fried pickles at Buffalo Wild Wings are a pretty good chain fried pickle. Sure. Oh, yeah.

Don't they have it, what are they called, like pickle nickels? They should be if they're not, but they're called something, right? Like pickle coins? Yeah, pickle coins. Something like that. Pickle coins, yeah. Yeah. Pickle, yeah, something. Pickle nickels. Like pickle nickels? They should be if they're not. But they're called something, right? Like pickle coins? Yeah, pickle coins. Something like that? Pickle coins, yeah. Yeah. Pickle, yeah, something.

Pickle nickels. Pickle nickels. Pickle medallions? That might be it. You know what? One thing I love about Buffalo Wild Wings is that I don't really mix beer and food. I either get drunk or I eat a meal. I don't really mix both.

And that's one of the places where I'm like, okay, give me nine wings and like five huge beers. And I'll walk out of the Americana a little drunker than I was when I walked in. It's drinking food. Watch every game that's on in the world. They're all on, too. No matter the sport. They're all on. You can go watch just women's horse racing.

It's not a thing, but they somehow have a feed of it. And there's not a ton of assholes for the most part. Everybody's kind of subdued in a bunch of wild wings. I've run into an asshole at Big Wang's, which is a regional LA assholes for the most part. Everybody's kind of like subdued in a Buffalo Wild Wings. I've run into an asshole at Big Wangs, which is a regional LA. Was it the one in NoHo? Yeah, that one. The guy that looked at your, at the time, girlfriend and he's like, it's the wrong hat. Yeah.

It's like, fuck you, dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was wearing a blazer hat and he was giving her beef. I was pissed all day about that until we went to the cat circus later in the day. Also fun. I love Buffalo. Yeah. Again, going back to that Olive Garden thing, I'm fully embraced.

So what if it is corny or whatever? It's there for a reason. Everyone's happy there for a reason, too. People call it BW3s. BBWs I'm familiar with. Buffalo Wild Wings. People call it BW3s. That third W, did some research, it stands for WEC.

What? WEC. He told me this the other day. Which is a, in Buffalo, in upstate New York, beef on WEC is like basically a French dip sandwich, but WEC is a kind of roll. Oh, right, right, right. So when you hear people calling it BW3s, they're not idiots who don't understand how words are spelled.

They probably are, but they're not only that. They're just commenting on an older iteration. Buffalo Wild Wings and Weck. Wow. Yeah. And that is a clunky fucking name, so they cleaned it up a little bit. Buffalo Wild Wings. You can use a little nice soft bread to soak up that spice, though.

You can. Basically, there you need anything that you can dip in anything. It's a great dipping place. So fried pickle, a french fry, a wing, though. You can. Basically, there you need anything that you can dip in anything. It's a great dipping place. So, fried pickle, a french fry, a wing, whatever. You know, a fun move is to get a wing and then get a dip. I do this at Fire on the Mountain all the time. Never done it at B-Dubs, but, like, you get,

say, like, you know, spicy garlic and then get mild on the side. Dip the spicy garlic in the mild. Oh, yeah. It's fun. The worst is when you go with someone timid who's like, I don't want to bother the server for more sauces. I'm like, that's what we're here for. Yes, for more sauces.

That's why you tip. Just a tip. She's not bothered. Live your life. Step up to the plate. She's going to run back to the kitchen anyway. And we're never going to be the peak of how many sauces people have gotten. No, you won't even be the peak that day.

You're hot. No, we'll be the standard. Never, ever. There's definitely people there who are like, all right, now take a pint glass. I don't know why I made a summit. Take a fucking pint glass. I don't know. I'm just trying to do it.

This is also my accent reel, Lorne, if you're listening. Just fill a pint glass with garlic parmesan or whatever. You know they've heard that. Like, probably that bad. Oh, yeah. Well, that's why they don't just put it out there either. Right. Like, a southern barbecue place will just put all the big jugs of sauce with the little paper cups.

Buffalo Wild Wings, they go right under. They go broke immediately. Yeah. Wing stop, in my opinion, not a set down. It's not even eligible for this draft. Better wing. Yes. Worse sides.

Absolutely. Buffalo Wild Wing. Yeah, yeah. A little worse wing, way better sides. Not even a competition. Wingstop has cheap wing days, and they're still actually kind of cheap. Again, this is coming from a real broke person. But Buffalo Wild Wings, their cheap

wing days keep getting, they're like, 85 cents a wing on cheap wing day, and I'm like, that's not fucking cheap anymore. 40 cents a wing. That's cheap. Hooters is still 50 cents though, right? I think Hooters is actually cheap. Wings day, which is on Tuesday for some reason. Moving on from Buffalo Wild Wings,

on to the final pick of the first round. Serpentine Draft. Of five. Serpentine Draft. Hopefully five rounds. We'll see. Ian Carmel, who is me, takes Red Robin. The God.

I knew it. The only, when we decided the topic, the first thing that popped in my head. I never thought I'd get it, but here I am. A top. I've thrown a big surprise. Those were my two top picks anyway so tasty it's legitimately good food though legitimately good it really is i don't like it's it's better than a lot of like one-off burgers i've had umami burger is the is the

like the it's a it's a local chain that everyone goes crazy about here in los angeles i remember when kamal manjiani and i were talking on Twitter, and I was like, Portland has five burger places that are better than Umami. Absolutely. And he was like, no, they don't. You're just being like, you know, it's not that good. Red Robin is better than fucking Umami Burger. So good.

We had a day there the other day, and I had a double patty and mac and cheese was on my burger. Yeah. And we had an onion tower, onion ring tower. I had the blue ribbon burger. God god it was so good that we started off an amazing day with red robin i like that like uh they got the like jalapeno avocado chipotle burger yeah like spicy everything i love that it's so good you can also substitute a veggie patty if you like you can't you can go they were one of the first people i saw where you could go

no bun and just get that lettuce wrapped up. Oh, they'll accommodate you to hell and back. All they want to do is make you happy there. And you can pay from your table. They have these new units. You can just pay for your table. I always play those games too.

Yeah. Always. I love it. There's a little Scrabble game. You can get- $2. Oh, yeah, Scrabble game? Who cares?

Yeah. Yeah. Especially if you go with someone who you're not really interested in talking to them that much. Yeah, my boyfriend. I'm just kidding. Like your boyfriend or a Sean Jordan here. Yeah, yeah. If you're just like hanging out with one of your friends, you're like, I got nothing to say to you.

I was – growing up, I fulfilled a crucial role in my group of friends, which was the let's get some fries for the table guy, which I mentioned earlier. That's a good guy. I'm that guy. We would sit down, server would come up, all right, drinks for anybody? You know,

four Sprites or whatever. It was me, LeBron James, LeBron James, and Drake. Jamar Nabors is also in that commercial. You were all very young

at the time. And I was always like, hey, can we get some fries for the table, honey mustard ranch? I'd point to people who hadn't requested

those sauces. Honey mustard ranch? Honey mustard Ranch? I'd point to people who hadn't requested those sauces. Honey Mustard Ranch? You just know them. I just wanted them. And yeah, they'll start bringing out – because it's bottomless fries and they'll start bringing them from right when you sit down. So if you order fries for the table, do they charge you like each individual person pays for – it's just one basket of fries that you pay for?

You just assume that someone is going to get something that comes with fries. Well, I would assume that Ian, if he's basket of fries for the table guy, he was paying for the basket of fries. Yeah, I just- That's a good friend. Here's the thing. You don't pay for that basket of fries because somebody's going to get a cheeseburger. Yeah.

And that comes with bottomless fries. Oh, okay. That's just co-opted to the price of that cheeseburger that is yet to be purchased. That's awesome. That also seems like how have they not gone under. Right? But they haven't. Because hopefully somebody's funding them secretly.

It's because I'm buying those $2 Scrabble games. Right, exactly. That's where I'm coming from. It's called like Scrapple or something. Wooden word jumble. Yeah. I love Red Robin. The first thing I ever stole was fry seasoning from there. Yeah.

And it's not just Lowry's? It's probably just Lowry's. Yeah, it's a good fry seasoning. It is. I love the decor. I love that wacky Americana decor. I'm full blown in. With like red, white, and blue baseballs or whatever.

Didn't you get ushered out of a Red Robin one time for too many fries? Or am I thinking? No? No, not me. Somehow not me. If it was him, it would be an embarrassing thing to just reveal without his permission. No, not like you ate too many fries but got too many for the table or something. I can see it.

For sexually assaulting that Mayor McCheese mascot. No, I was never ushered out. In fact, the opposite. Welcome with open arms. But also, me and my other football players, we would go because it was like right down the street from our high school. And it got to the point where they knew us. And when we ordered sodas, they stopped bringing out the regular glasses and just started bringing out giant steins of soda. Just a bucket.

And just putting those down, like, hook you guys up. He was like the cool waiter. He was like, got you guys. I wish you would just flip over your football helmets and drink out of those. Right? With a straw. That's what I'm picturing. With a giant orange Gatorade.

Oh, we have our own cups. Yeah, we're actually good. Hand me the helmet. Fill this with fries. We're on your way back. So Red Robin, that's my first pick. Sure, sure. First pick. My second pick, it's tough. God, do I want

to go head or heart? Head or heart? Head or heart? Always heart. Ian, you're all heart. Tony Roma's a place for ribs. I've never been to a Tony Roma's. It's so good! I have. They're not in Oregon anymore. I want to go. Or California.

I went to one in Omaha, Nebraska. Oh, that's probably why, because that's where I spend my time. They used to be more spread out, and they seem to have contracted a little bit, like the sea anemone, when passed by a predator. They're gathering their forces. They're gathering their forces, hopefully to expand again. Just like, I don't know good ribs from Adam. I have no idea.

I'm sure if I went to Memphis with some Tony Romas, they'd be like, that's not a rib or whatever. From where I was growing up, you could get, again, endless ribs. There's a theme here. You could get endless ribs. They have these platters that you might as well have been endless ribs because they would come with like half a chicken and like, God, I'm fat. So many ribs and like a giant sausage. Pork ribs? Pork ribs, I think.

Yeah, pork ribs for sure. You're an excellent Jew. The value was there. There's actually in the Torah it says. That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it's an immense value, you're allowed to eat pork. And it was.

The prices were so low. You're Italian friends. And it won. The prices were so low. And you're helping out your Italian friends. Yeah, exactly. Tony Roma. Yeah, my friend Tony Roma. Oh, boy. It was just so good. There's not a whole lot else to say about it other than I remember the last time I ever went.

There used to be one in Portland near the convention center and also right by a paintball place. It was for my birthday. And I went and ate so many ribs. And they were spicy ribs. And my dad, I think I was with, took a picture of me. Like, hey, birthday picture. And I saw the picture. And it was my face covered in rib sauce.

My lips cherry red from how spicy they were. Me just with a full meat bloat. So happy. So happy. And I was just like, well, I can't go back. I can with a full meat bloat. So happy. So happy. And I was just like, well, I can't go back. I can't go back for a while. I feel like there's a side we're missing the story on. Like you were just housing ribs.

There's not like a bread situation or a potato. It comes with it, but I would never even fuck with it. You don't even look at it. Yeah. We miss you, Tony Romas. I hope it comes back. For sure, for sure. It's probably still around.

It is, but it's around in the South and stuff like that. The places that need it are like L.A., the West Coast, places that aren't known for their smoked meats. I'm going to go. I do see it on the road sometimes, but on the road I kind of stick to the chains I'm familiar with. I'm going to branch out next time.

Please branch out. That's crazy to hear. I'm going to visit a Tony Roma's. There's a couple chain restaurants that I've never been to that I'm hoping get picked so I can talk about how I've never been to them. So let's see if Sean picks one. It is time for your second pick. It ain't going to be one you've never been to. It's going to be Applebee's.

Oh, the bees. Bees in the trap. The bees in the trap. Bees in the to. It's going to be Applebee's. Oh, the bees. Bees in the trap. The bees in the trap. Bees in the trap. I went to prom at Applebee's. Prom dinner at Applebee's. The dance was not also at Applebee's.

The dance, no. I wish. The dance was at the El Riad Shrine Mosque, I believe. It was at a mosque? Yeah. Your prom was at a mosque in Sioux Falls? What they called a mosque, yeah. We all have a lot to learn. Good thing nobody put a pipe bomb in it that day.

Were you able to have it there because there were no Muslims to use the mosque in Sioux Falls? They could just be calling it that. I mean, that's what they call it, but it just looked like that. It was just shaped like a mosque. It just looked like a banquet hall to me. I mean, it's just downtown.

A Mexican guy worked there, so they were like, it must be the mosque. It was, yeah. That's where we had prom. Why Applebee's? I just, I love Applebee's. It's a good deal. I just have good memories of Applebee's, is my thing, too. We used to go hang out at Applebee's in Minneapolis all the time after we skated, and we used to sit

there and get drunk, treat it like a bar. I like it because you can kind of treat it like a bar. They have good cocktails, too. In a clutch, if you're like it because you can kind of treat it like a bar. They have good cocktails. In a clutch. If you're like, we're in Golden Valley, Minnesota, where's a bar? And they're like, well, there's Applebee's. So you just go handle yourself at Applebee's. Also a very good deal.

And it's a good deal. It's another one of those places where people are like, oh, I don't want to go to Applebee's. Do you really not want to go to Applebee's? Yeah, you do. It is unfairly impugned. I feel like most of what we're going to say is people hate on for no reason. I've never heard a crossword about Tony Romo. But yeah, I have about Applebee's.

It's because no one's been. No one's been. Well, we keep it a secret. You cleared out all the rims in 2001. I like Applebee's is always coming at me with new shit too. They're always coming out with new menu options, which is a nice thing.

Oh yeah, they'll throw out some healthy menu options. They always got a good salad idea, like a Chinese chicken. They have a good crispy chicken. Yes. Those little crisps on top. Those crisps are like the noodley crisp things. Delicious. And it really is healthy. Yes.

It'll be like 400 calories. Yeah, an on-the-road thing where you're just like, I've had all the fast food already. You do have to think about that. When it's like Saturday and you're on the road and you're like, I can't. I can't eat more cheese. Yeah, they'll even give you like a side of steamed broccoli or whatever. I mean, they're going to be shocked when you order it.

They are. You're going to go to the grocery store to buy broccoli. I'm a comedian. I haven't had a green thing in three weeks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess there was that Irish beer on St. Patrick's Day. But yeah, Applebee's is good for that. And I haven't been, and you, there aren't any.

Our friend Jacob, he, I was driving back. Jacob Christopher? Jacob Searoff is the gentleman's name. Your friend. Yeah, sorry. My friend Jacob was saying that he and his lady go to Applebee's for like a date night every now and again because the closest one's like 30 miles away or something in L.A. Like you just can't find one. So it feels special.

Yeah, it's like a treat for him. And I was like, okay. I mean, that sounds fun to me. Yeah, get out of town a little bit. I wonder if I could take the old lady to Applebee's. What that whole night would be like. I mean, you make a night. Wherever you end up,

it's like by Six Flags or something. Oh, it's in Ornheim? I mean... That makes sense. Yeah, somewhere. Oh, no, Six Flags? Oh, up on Magic Mountain? Yeah, maybe.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's not too far. That does make sense, yeah. It'll be an hour getting back, though. I have a... My boyfriend's best friend works at Applebee's, and he recently went on a date. I don't work at Applebee's.

I think I'm way better friends with him than I am. That would be a big reveal. And he went on a first date and took the lady to his own Applebee's where he works even though he doesn't get a discount, which is my only knock on Applebee's right now. No employee discount. That's crazy. Really stingy. It should be free. If you bring a date there, they should just be like,

Nah, he works there, took a date there on his off night, no discount. He just wanted to bring a date and pay full price, but have everybody be like, Hey, what's up, dude? Hey, dude, we know you. Is it just like a really sad version of that scene from Goodfellas where they let him in through the kitchen? Yep. They don't let him in.

He just walks in through the kitchen. They're like, hey, man. Yeah. He had to do dishes. Nobody recognized him because of his new kitchen staff because the turnover rate is so high. What are you doing back here? I work here. Oh, okay.

They made him get his own sauces all night. When he goes and sits down at the table, there's not like a comedian. It's just a couple fighting at the bar, you know, that they sit next to. I did a show at an Applebee's. Did you guys ever do those? That one in, that Lloyd's Center Applebee's show?

I forgot about it. I did one in Gresham. But yeah, I mean, they were for this dude in Portland, John Green. I'm jealous now, though.

Used to book stand-up shows that he wouldn't tell anybody work or anybody eating that there was going to be a stand-up show. The worst. You would just do it

in the bar at an Applebee's. Oh my gosh, I forgot about that. I wiped it from my memory. Those were horrible. That was one of the worst shows I've ever done in my life. Broad daylight. Broad daylight, right? Nobody's expecting it.

The show was like at six? Children. Who wanted it? Nobody. Because it's not like Applebee's. Maybe one of the managers at Applebee's. Like the day manager at Applebee's. Who decided they need entertainment?

Yeah. But on a TV. That's what people want. Right? That's all people want is to talk to the person they're there with. I'm not Judge Judy. What a fucking, you know, we can say this is cool. What a headache.

What a nightmare it would be if you went out. You work all goddamn week. You're taking your wife to Applebee's for some riblets or whatever. Seriously. You know? And then you're there. And then like, you know, we're up there telling our, like, fucking fuck jokes or whatever. Oh, wait.

So many times have you just ended up apologizing in situations like that. So many times. I do it constantly. I'm so sorry we're doing stand-up. I'm so sorry. I need this $10. The comic before would, like, talk, you know, wow, you guys aren't listening. And I'd get up and be like, I don't expect you to listen.

I wouldn't listen. I'm sorry I'm wrecking your night. I'll do 10 minutes on the dot, and I'll get out of here. Sports Center is muted, but you have to listen to me? What kind of world is this? Yeah. Those guys are professionals. Forgot about that.

Such a bad idea. That is a bad idea. Now, a good idea, Amy, would be to get your second pick. And I'm so excited to find out what it is. Okay. Near and dear to my heart, for more reasons than just the food, Cracker Barrel. The Cracker Barrel. Sure, sure, sure.

The whole thing. I was going to go more specific, but now I know we're taking whole restaurants. Well, what would that specific thing be? Because I've never been to a Cracker Barrel. Well, the specific thing is really the kitsch and the gift shop. So Cracker Barrel, it's like a southern breakfast place. It's modeled after that. So there's like a gift shop. Yeah. And there's all these things that would be in your grandmother's like a southern breakfast place. It's modeled after that. So there's like a gift shop.

Yeah. And there's all these like things that would be in your grandmother's house all over the place. Like cozies. Like fake flowers and cozies. Yeah. And little piggy banks and shit like that. Are they Cracker Barrel branded or are they just like that's where you go to buy a wooden flower? I think that they're all pretty much the same.

You can buy them, but they're also scattered around the restaurant. So you really feel like you're eating at home. They have a porch with rocking chairs that you can sit on. Really? Really fun. You can go digest a little bit, even, on the porch. It looks like it's in an old mining town. There's a

wooden porch. It's the one that is still open. Is that southern chain, for the most part? Mostly Southern, yeah. I mean, they're kind of everywhere, but yeah, mostly in the South. You get a good breakfast, you get a breakfast

that comes out so fast, you're almost alarmed. Really? Like, it might as well be fast food, because if you get, like, two eggs and bacon and a biscuit,

it probably takes 30 seconds to arrive at... Like, they're constantly just making and throwing away omelets in the kitchen? Yeah. So they're ready when you order? It comes so fast.

They make cheese, right? I've seen their cheese in grocery stores, the Cracker Barrel. Oh, yeah. Like a little block of just cheddar cheese. Oh, yeah. They have a whole line of products. And part of the reason I love it is Dolly Parton, my favorite. Your fave.

One album, two albums ago, she just released it through Cracker Barrel. What? And nothing else. You could just buy her album with through Cracker Barrel. What? And nothing else. You could just buy her album at the Cracker Barrel? She didn't even sell it online. Just physical copies at the Cracker Barrel. It was a very limited release. That's so fucking cool.

Yeah. Why did we, I mean, no shade on Beyonce. I love Beyonce, but she dropped that secret album and everyone was like, amazing. What a cool way to distribute an album. Cracker Barrel, that's the real news. like, amazing. What a cool way to distribute an album. Cracker Barrel. That's the real news. Yeah. Yeah.

What if Beyonce had just released that album at like TGI Fridays or whatever and nowhere else? Wouldn't you go to TGI Friday? Absolutely. Because you want to go already. Yeah. Everyone who was going to get that, for the most part, that Dolly Parton album was going to be at a Cracker Barrel. Oh, exactly.

True story. Yeah. I was like, oh, guess I have to go to Cracker Barrel. Might as well get some mashed potatoes while I'm there. Whoops, I forgot to buy it that time. I guess I'll go again tomorrow. Oh, yeah. The mashed potatoes and gravy.

You know, they dig out that little hole in the mashed potatoes. That's what I like about it. With the gravy in the middle. I love that. A little gravy lake in there for you, dude. It's just an extra touch that feels so nice. It does feel so nice because they just dip the ladle and then pour it in there. Yeah, it doesn't take long.

It's a more practical version of the sourdough clam chowder bowl. Yeah. Because that's a lot, if we're being honest. But just a tiny little divot with the gravy. It's thoughtful because I don't know who the people are in the world that don't want gravy on everything, but I know that they probably exist. They're liars. So it keeps your gravy contained. It does.

To accommodate those fucking losers. Yeah, those fucking – So I can take things and dip it into the gravy and have it actually get into the gravy, not have to smear it around. That is a good call. I do like having a reservoir so I can soak up in the bread better, but I also like it on everything. I do too.

It's crazy to me when people get like Thanksgiving dinner and don't just, when they're like, well, just gravy on this. And I'm like, what are you fucking gravy on everything? I don't care. 100%.

Put the gravy in the cranberries. What am I, you're diluting my pure cranberry experience? They're not even on the plate. Put it in your wine. I don't care. Yeah, the cranberry, that's the healthy part of this meal.

So, yeah. Yeah, the cranberry's lucky it's on the plate. I honestly don't even know who invited it to dinner. I don't want to go off on a big tangent, but fuck cranberries. And fuck their place at the Thanksgiving table. Who are you talking to? I don't need them. I don't get it for a second.

Not even the can of cranberry sauce? Those I like more. Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. And the fact they make a whoop when it comes out. I love that noise. But if I'm not there for that noise. Very sexual noise. You can see the can. You can see the outline of the can on it, and you're like, ah. I love that noise. But if I'm not there for that noise... Very sexual noise. You can see the outline of the can

on it and you're like, ah. I love that. It's like when you take off pants that are too tight. You know? You kind of got the seam line on your leg. Just some human cranberries. Why didn't Andy Warhol ever paint just that standing cranberry tower? Why didn't he?

Who cares about Campbell's soup? I feel like Jeff Koons could make an ultra-realistic cranberry tower. What did me? Who cares about Campbell's soup? I feel Jeff Koons could make like an ultra-realistic cranberry thing and I would buy it. Well, I wouldn't because I don't have $42 million, but I'd go look at it. Cracker Barrel, excellent pick.

Now, Amy, it is a serpentine draft, which means you also have the first pick of the third round. Oh, okay. This is big, big news. Big, big. Man, I went so specific with my picks,

but I'm just going to keep Johnny Rockets. Johnny Rockets! Which I started from a very small item, which is the jukebox at the table. Oh, yeah. I like that. Play your own song. You choose. It's just for your table. It's a nickel. Yep.

Everyone else can fuck off. They can fuck right off. I want to listen to Frankie Valli. I don't care if you listen to the just for your table. It's a nickel. Yep. Everyone else can fuck off. They can fuck right off. I want to listen to Frankie Valli. I don't care if you listen to the Beatles at your table. Go ahead. Yeah, why not? Beatles at a Johnny Rockets doesn't quite fit in, unless it's that early album. So what are they doing over at that other table anyway?

You're on the right track with the Frankie Valli. That's true. The early Beatles, they do early Beatles in those machines. I love Johnny Rockets. I love the patty melt in a Johnny Rockets. Oh, so tasty. Yeah, the outfits, the branding. It's great.

I like a place that still forces a teenager to wear something embarrassing. Yes. It's part of the job. Yeah, you should have to. Like Brad Campbell in fucking Fast Times when he's throwing all his pirate shit out the window. That should happen to every kid who works at a restaurant at some point. It makes you stronger. It makes you a good adult that appreciates the service industry.

You're Johnny Rockets. Your hot dog is on a stick, right? Orange Julius. Orange Juliuses. That's awesome. That guy who has to clean my pool. Also named Orange Julius. Orange Julius.

Johnny Rockets. I feel like you have something to say about Johnny Rockets. Have you never been? Never heard of it until I was a kid. You've never heard of it? Are you serious? There's one on Melrose. Yeah. Or was.

There's one in the Burbank Mall. Maybe, okay. Is it the hot dog on a stick place? No. That's called hot dog on a stick. It is, really? Yeah. Johnny Rockets will often occupy the same spot as Red Robin on the outside of the mall,

where it's like you see JCPenney Sears and then a glowing Johnny Rockets sign or Red Robin. Nothing's coming to... Maybe if I saw it, I would be like, oh, yeah, totally. But as of right now... It's like a Jackrabbit Slim's kind of cheeseburger-y 50s kitschy type place. I'm getting the vibe. Also, good burgers. Good burgers.'m getting the vibe. Also good burgers. Good burgers.

Good milkshakes. Affordable. Sure. Yeah. Very cheap. And they dress all cute. They do. Yeah.

I mean, who can hate on that? I'm in. It's where you go to the sock hop and then take your girl out to eat. Yeah. I know Sean's always sock hopping. You're always sock hopping. For days. Girl, out to eat.

Yeah. I know Sean's always sock hopping. You're always sock hopping. For days. I couldn't afford shoes growing up in my mom's apartment, as you love to hate on so much. I just think it's funny. Because we didn't grow up in a house. Oh, you grew up in an apartment? For the most part, yeah.

I didn't know that. See? Yeah, it's fun. I was saying something like, yeah, remember when you woke up in your apartment? And she's like, no, Sean, we grew up in houses. Yeah. I did not. I appreciated it because

i like to have friends that were even poorer than me because we had a house but you know it's barely a house no and there's too many people in it but like pure winds he just dropped it out of nowhere one day just like uh yeah so i was like uh me and my mom were at the apartment and I was like, excuse me, did you go to college together? You can't just slip that in there. I grew up in a cul-de-sac. I can't relate to that at all. Well, it's specifically because you're from Sioux Falls too. Like that's next level poverty.

If you're from New York City, like Manhattan apartment, fine. A Sioux Falls apartment. You could have gotten a freestanding structure. I don't know what rent was, but I bet it was like Manhattan apartment, fine. A Sioux Falls apartment. You could have gotten a freestanding structure. I don't know what rent was, but I bet it was like $300 a month. For the love of Chisholm, that is cheap. They all have really good names, too, like the complex names. He remembers all of them. Prairie Winds, Charleston Courts. That's nice.

Yeah, Country Meadows. Prairie Winds. Oh, yeah. I got beat into a gang at Country Meadows. Did you really? Something called Prairie Winds is either $200 a month or $200,000 a month. Prairie Winds sounds like a fifth of the cheapest whiskey you can buy. Like a fifth of Prairie Winds.

They found the bottle of Prairie Winds still. The Prairie Winds were just like cheap beer farts coming from your neighbors. Johnny Rockets, amazing pick. Sean Jordan, when you were living in the Prairie Winds, what were some of the casual dining restaurants you pined for? What's your third pick? My third pick is going to be Pizza Hut. Whoa. That's interesting.

That is interesting. Because they deliver. It's a gray area. I'll allow it. I'll allow it, but it's a gray area. I used to sit down at Pizza Hut and got the buffet constantly. I remember the first time I realized you could do that. My mind was blown.

It wasn't until high school that I knew it was a sit-down place. Not every one is a sit-down place, though. More so than Domino's. We didn't have – Because it is a hut. True. I remember when we got Pizza Hut delivery, and that's when I was like – Pizza igloo.

Because we never got it delivered. We always went and sat down. My mom and stepdad would go on their dates. Your stepdad's stink eye. Stink eye. Yeah. They would go on dates. He looks pissed constantly.

So we called him stink eye from a very young age. And they would go on dates and like drag – I would go with and play Pac-Man in like the little corner booth. And it was fantastic. And I had – I learned what three-bean salad was at Pizza Hut. Oh. That's where you had your first three bean salad? It's my only three bean salad. They have that in the round table buffet, too.

It's a weird thing. It's a weird thing to eat. I hear they're working on adding a fourth bean. Have you heard of this? They better pump the fucking brakes. What's that fourth bean going to be? I don't need. Trump's America is crazy.

Trump's America, man. Yeah. They're getting rid of all these regulations. My president doesn't throw a fourth bean. It's a jelly bean. A popcorn-flavored jelly bean. It wouldn't be the worst. Whenever I'm back and there's a birthday or something or my grandpa wants to go eat, it's Pizza Hut.

Always. Always go sit at Pizza Hut. Yeah, you're blowing my mind because I didn't think of any pizza restaurant. So that's just a different category in my head. Me too. It was like almost my first pick was Pizza Hut. Shout out to the crust that is stuffed. I love that thing.

For days. Oh, man. I love a stuffed crust. Yeah. Still to this day, I love it. And I love all their delivery. Some sort of fictional cheese that doesn't exist anywhere but inside the crust of a pizza. The only knock on their delivery is

they don't have the pizza tracker. They don't. I love the pizza tracker. But it's cheaper and better pizza. Even if the pizza tracker's lying to me, I don't care. Fine. Whatever. Oh, you're on the beach. You got time. Who cares? You're in a dance club or whatever. Ordering a pizza in the dance club.

Someone pulled a pizza out of the hot and ready car the other day at your house. Oh, it's so great. And they pulled it right out, and I was like, that's what the – it's like smoke was coming out. I just had that for the first time. Like the fly just got out of there or something. It's a car with an oven in it. It was tight.

But yeah, Pizza Hut. There it is. What's your go-to move? Now, you don't eat mushrooms. For pizza? Yeah. It really – any meat. My go-to move lately has been sausage and green pepper.

I hate green pepper. Interesting. No peps. A lot of people. Yeah. A lot of people. Love green pepper. Yeah.

In our house, you've been bringing green pepper in? No, no. Very good. I don't get delivery to the house. The green pepper on a chain pizza is just always a little overcooked. If I'm going to have the pepper there, give me some crunch and some nutrients out of it. I like the green pepper cooked to the point where it no longer exists

if it's on the pizza. Oh, see? No, no. Pizza Hut, amazing pick. I feel like I bummed you guys. I didn't want to bum you out. No, I'm truly shocked and amazed at your innovation. I'm a real trashy innovator. But it's true.

I mean, a pizza place with a salad bar, like, that is family. Hold on. It is. You know? You're sharing everything. You are. You're reaching over. Pardon me. Excuse me.

And there's no, anything that's, like, unlimited. See, because I'm the youngest child of fat people, and I didn't get food unless it was unlimited. You know? Like, I need to be able to control my own items, or I won't get any unless it was unlimited. You know, like, I need to be able to control my own items. Yeah. Or I won't get any of anything. Yeah.

I would starve. There's no milk left. Because everybody got to it first. Right. So, yeah, like, a Pizza Hut salad bar is like, I have my own thing. I love that. I mean, not that someone wouldn't put their fucking hand in it and take some anyway. Right.

You got whatever was left. That's just regular bullying. Amazing pick with Pizza Hut. Thanks, buddy. It's time for my third pick, and I'm going to go with P.F. Chang's. Whoa, never been. China Bistro. Yeah, I've never been either.

Not only have I been. I've worked at two different ones. Sure, sure. I didn't know that. Yeah, I worked at the P.F. The first time I lived in Los Angeles when I was just doing the Groundlings, I worked at the P.F. Chang's in Torrance at the Del Amo Fashion Center. And where did you live?

South Central. Far from Torrance, right? Far from Torrance. Yeah. It took an hour to get there. But that's where I found a job. Yeah, I lived right by USC. And then I worked at the one that is no longer there in the Pearl District in downtown Portland,

Oregon. Sure, sure, sure. This is what I respect about P.F. Chang's. Never been to one, can't speak to the food. But they do squat in fancier malls. They've cornered that market of like, we have these regal horses. Yes, so we belong.

And they can't go in a strip mall. No, put me next to a crate and barrel. Don't put me there at all. You can't build a pyramid in the middle of a strip mall. It needs to go in a fancy mall. Giant concrete horses, terracotta soldiers. Yeah. Torches.

Torches. I would venture to say that North Dakota, South Dakota, and Montana do not have a P.F. Chang's anywhere in the state lines. Yeah. Is that true? That's how nice. I would bet dollars to donuts. Yeah, that's probably true. It's probably got to be so expensive to put it up, too.

You got to make sure people are going to come. Plus, those simple people would be terrified of the nine horses. Well, that's what I was going to say, is it's not very welcoming. No, no, no. Because you have to be a brave person to saunter in there. I'm surprised they don't put a moat in front of each one. There should be. There should be a guy with a saunter in there. I'm surprised they don't put a moat in front of each one. There should be. There should be a guy with a crossbow wearing a samurai outfit just clocking you with it

as soon as you... No! And then you're rewarded for your bravery. I must be those simple people. I just always assume I can't go in there. I've never been to one. Them horses. Lettuce cups are delicious.

They have good seafood there. It's all delicious. I imagine they'd have a good peanut sauce. They do. They have a great peanut sauce if you want to get one. They also, and I had to do this, they'll mix sauce for you at the table out of vinegar, oil, and chili sauce. So you're like, I like it spicier.

You know, we'll mix up that sauce for you right at the table. It's great. It's a great date spot. That's classy. Yeah. Not like cheap the table. It's great. It's a great date spot. That's classy. Yeah. Not like cheap like an Applebee's though. No, you're looking at between $14 and $21.

Maybe that's why I haven't been because I would just go to a real restaurant. It is a real restaurant. It happens to be a casual dining chain. It's the best of both worlds. It's like a nice. It's sweat and suit. Casual Dining Chang. It's the best of both worlds.

It's like a nice... It's sweat and suit. If Nelly combined those two albums and just made one decent album, that's what P.F. Chang's is. Yeah. Shout out to Paul Fleming. Shout out to whatever Chang's first name was. We had to learn all that. When you work there, they make you learn the history of the restaurant like anyone would ever ask. They're like, sometimes people ask about the art.

You had to learn about the art in each of them. You had to learn about the giant horses. It's Paul Fleming and someone else with the last name of Chang. And it's Michael Chang or something like that. It started in Phoenix, which is a huge Chinese food destination. Our friend Sean worked at the one in Phoenix. Maybe worked at the flagship one.

I mean, good on them, because there's probably no good Chinese food in Phoenix, and they were just like, well, we don't have any Chinese people, but we found the recipes, and we made it. Right when Google popped up, they were just like, well, we don't have any Chinese people, but we found the recipes. Right. And we made it. Right when Google popped up, they were like, we can look up Chinese food recipes. Let's open a restaurant.

And it was a big hit. Also, let me say, having worked in amazingly clean kitchens and all the ingredients are very fresh. Okay, I'm sold. Which I was surprised by. I walked into the walk-in and there's all these half cabbages and everything. It's pretty legit. I'm going to go. And it I walked into the walk-in, and there's all these, like, half cabbages and everything. It's, like, pretty legit. I'm going to go. And it does look like a good date place.

Like, they got those big fire pits on the patio and stuff where you can have a romantic time. And go have some cocktails, which they also have good cocktails. Now, before my next pick, let's take a word from our sponsor. Today's episode of All Fantasy Everything is also brought to you by Squarespace. Make your next move with Squarespace. It's a new year. It's all about setting new goals, starting businesses, changing careers, maybe even launching a creative project. Squarespace gives you a powerful and beautiful online platform to make your next move.

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Maybe like a fun face on there. Maybe you paint it to look like Jeremy Renner. All right. Again, Squarespace.com, promo code allfantasy. Back to the episode. And we're back with more All Fantasy Everything. It is time for my fourth and possibly final pick on account of I have to go to the DM. Right.

I hear you. I hear you. With my possibly final pick, I am going to take an international pick. Ah, you fucking prick. Oh, god damn it. Is it going to be something? An international house pick. Oh, okay. All right. An international house of Ah, you fucking prick. God damn it. Is it going to be something? An international house pick. Oh, okay.

All right. An international house of omelets, maybe? Pancakes is what it's going to be. God damn it, dude. I hop, my friend. That's not where I was going. It's the next on the list. Yeah.

It was the next. I hop, you hop. We all hop at some point in our lives, ladies and gentlemen. I love the international house of pancakes. I don't even fuck with pancakes that much. I'm more of a let's get a plate for the table kind of guy. As far as pancakes go. Ian got pancakes for the table the other night. We went to a

diner. I've never seen this happen in my life. He got pancakes for the table. They were like little mini pancakes and it was the best call. What kind of insane person wants a whole plate of pancakes? It's crazy. Well, and whipped cream and sweet fruits.

It's not a breakfast. If you get that for batter? Well, and whipped cream and sweet fruits. I'll do it all day. There's so much, but like- Not a breakfast. If you get that for the table, though, and you have an omelet to sort of cut it with, now you're living my friend. That's true. That's how you do it. If you got it for the table and I was at that table-

If all fancy everything accomplishes anything, it's to normalize pancakes for the table. That's the whole point of this podcast. You're actually changing the name to pancakes for the table. Pancakes for the Table, yeah. That would be... In high school, the IHOP near my house had an endless pancake night, which again is a big time theme of this episode. Big time.

And my friend Nate Stoller ate 22 pancakes and they put his picture on the wall. Did he ever poop again? He never pooped. He still hasn't pooped. I went in and tried to do it too, thinking I some kind of king shit and i ate like seven and i was like wall but he was a wrestler so like they could just keep eating forever and then yeah because they don't eat for like a month at a time yeah and then the day after they wrestle those they don't look like that could kill you once it's fully expanded in your stomach yeah he figured out a way to do it.

I don't know where he kept all of it. He was a skinny guy. Jesus. But I think that's the key so your stomach can expand. I love the decor. It's cute. It feels homey. It feels like you're in a small town anywhere.

I like that. I love that it's international so you get pancakes from all over the world. My favorite thing is that when one closes, it's never really closed. Because you put a Chinese restaurant in there, and you're still like, that was an IHOP. That was definitely an IHOP. I see that pointy steeple. Yes. Pizza huts are like that, too.

There'll be like a Mongolian barbecue in a pizza hut. And you're like, come on. Mongolian hut. At least call it that. It's always disappointing. Yeah, it is. When you see like a closed IHOP, and it's like a pokey place or whatever. Right?

You're like, I'd just rather go to IHOP. Sometimes they're like an H&R Block or something. That is weird. What the hell are you doing? What is now where the kitchen was? There's a strip club in Portland that was so clearly used to be a Wendy's. It used to be. There was one on the Sunset Freeway that used to be a Mongolian barbecue and it had like

these crazy like sloped roofs. It's hilarious looking. And then it was the Sunset Freeway, there used to be a Mongolian barbecue, and it had these crazy sloped roofs. It's hilarious looking. And then it was the Sunset Strip. Sure. All right. The International House of Pancakes is my fourth pick. Sean Jordan, your fourth pick. Well, I'm going to go.

You threw me for a loop, man. I was planning on taking. I really didn't think that was happening. I'm going to say Famous Dave's. I don't know what Famous Dave's is. Burger Place? You guys don't know what Famous Dave's is. Burger Place? You guys don't know what Famous Dave's is? No.

You've never even heard of it? I've heard of it. It's crazy. I've heard of it, but I've never been. It's a barbecue place. It's just one of those quirky shit all over the walls. Walk in. It's like out of office space, kind of, where they wear flare buttons.

It sounds right up my alley. Where you can get a whole meat pl, a whole, like a meat platter. I mean, it's fantastic. It's just a great barbecue. You already sold me when you said shit on the walls and meat platter. And my favorite thing about it, I love it because they have all the barbecue sauces on the table, like filled, like six packs of barbecue sauces. Yes, this is what we were saying.

Devil's spit, sweet sauce, like all those just sitting at the table. Spicy. Yeah. It's fantastic. Really good cornbread. Those hot sauce names get out of hand sometimes. Devil's spit is not appetizing at all. They'll tell you they're like the devil's asshole.

The devil's torn up asshole. You'd try it. That's how they sell you hot sauce. The devil's red bloody asshole. They're like the devil's cock and it's made of swords, and he fucks you with it. What if the waiter had to say that to you? You'd be like, well, give me that, then. Put that all over my pork.

Satan's huge, knifey cock. Do you want hot? Do you want mild, medium, hot, or the devil fucking you to death in front of all the ghosts of all of your grandparents? I feel like this is something you've wanted to say for a couple months but haven't had the way to say it. They go crazy with those hot dogs. They're just so unappetizing. It's like a donkey kicking you in the face

until you die from it and your mom has to watch. But the devil's there for some reason. The devil's there playing Tony Hawk on PlayStation 1. He's marrying your mom the next day and you were the only one who could speak up against it and the donkey just kicked you to death, so you can't. Well, the devil's so enterprising to have this whole side hustle. Yeah, with a hint of pepper.

Just shitting out hot sauce. That's wild. I thought Famous Dave's was, yeah, everywhere. Regular Dave's. Yeah. That's sort of normal. Not that famous. I'm going to start calling myself famous comedian Amy Miller.

Famous comedian Amy. There's a lot of like Tualatin, Oregon. More people in this room have heard of you than of Famous Daves. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. Well, one of these days when we all go to the Midwest together, hopefully it'll be my treat at Famous Daves.

It's going to be your treat. Hopefully I'll be doing, you know, okay by then. I think you will. Speaking of treats. There we go. It's going to be a treat to hear Amy Miller's fourth pick. Okay. I got really nervous when you said international because I thought you were going down under.

Oh. Out backstay cow. Never. I was never, never down international. Oi, noi, noi, noi, noi, noi. We've been working on at our house one phrase in Australian, which is, Oi, no, not no, not no, not ever. Never.

Not no, not ever. Yeah, not no, not ever. Oh, yours is way better. Never. All I know is it's not a knife. It's not a knife. Which is so fun to say at Outback. Yeah, because they's not a knife. It's not a knife. Which is so fun to say at Outback. Yeah, because they give you a knife.

You get a big ass steak and if they don't bring you a steak knife, it's just you're queued up for the best joke. I bet they're told every 10th table don't bring a knife. People are slaying with their friends at Outback and that line. I've never been to an Outback. I've pined my whole life for the Bloomin' Onion. That's what I'm saying. Everyone's heard of the Bloomin' Onion. It's more famous than Dave. Yeah, way more famous than Dave.

Listen, Dave didn't do a thing to you. He didn't make a fucking Bloomin' Onion, that's for sure. Why are you dragging his name through the barbecue sauce all of a sudden? I don't know. Devil's spit. Devil's machete cock. Satan's forked tongue has dicks coming out of it.

His tongue is covered in a thousand dicks and each of those dicks has a hypodermic needle coming out of the dick hole. Chipotle. Nothing's ever named after God. I know! Arguably more powerful. Like God's semen sounds more spicy than the devil's spit.

That sounds more like a drizzle you put on a salad. What is it about the Outback that made you pick it? Well, junior high boyfriend ended up working at the Outback many, many years. Yeah, I think it's the Bloomin' Onion. I started with the Bloomin' Onion. Because I think if you have one item you corner the market on and people go there for that, then you're in.

Their other food's great. Yeah, I like a steak. There's probably people that call it the Bloomin' Onion. Let's go to Bloomin' Onion. They're like, Grandma, it's Outback. Whatever. I know what I want already. Their shrimp looks good, too. Oh, yeah. And the baked potato, a nice baked potato. Again, not cheap.

More on the $14 to $21 end, like P.F. Chang's. Sure, a $14 to $21 P.F. Chang range. Yeah. The Chang range. You've got to be slinging some dough to get into an Outback. Yeah. But, you know. You're making a statement when you walk in there.

It's a first and 15th chain restaurant, you know? Not so casual dining. Business casual dining. And it's for anything that's like a vacation, you know, like, oh, we're in the Outback. Yeah. It's a bumpy road. Do they play like didgeridoo music in there and stuff? No.

Do they play like kangaroo crossing signs? No, there's still just American sports playing. That's what everybody wants. They should play rugger. Rugger. All zeroes football. Not now. Not now.

Not ever. Ever. Never. I mean, we had to do a quick episode of All Fantasy Everything. We only went four rounds. Real quick, lightning round fifth picks. Say like a paragraph about each of them. Amy, your fifth pick.

Claim jumpers. Giant portions. Giant portions of delicious meat. So much stuff. Giant desserts. Big cakes that have like eight to ten layers. Yo. Claim jumpers is, they should just call it fat asses.

Yeah. Because that is why you go. Camp jumpers. But again, the youngest child, I know, whatever I get, I'm going to have leftovers. I won't. There won't be leftovers. Someone will eat my leftovers. Right.

Someone always ate my leftovers. Aw. That's okay. You're in a better place now where. Someone always ate my leftovers. It's okay. You're in a better place now where you can eat all of it. Yes. It's all for me. Sean, your final pick. My final pick is going to be Old Chicago.

Oh, very good. It's an odd one, but we did the beer. I'd consider this Italian. Pizza is like pizza, obviously. Old Chicago to me is more like Italian. And also we got to do the beer, the world around the world beer tour or whatever, where you drink like 60 beers and you get your name on the wall. We all thought it was the shit.

And they had shuffleboard back in the day. So that was a place where we could like have a night. Never been to an Old Chicago. I'm going to come in and close it all out with the Cheesecake Factory. I've never been. Otherwise, I would have picked it. It's pure insanity. Cheesecake is really good. Everything else is otherwise I would have picked it. It's pure insanity. The cheesecake is really good.

Everything else is insane. It's good, but it's insane. Their menu has like 400 items on it. You can get egg rolls, or you can get pizza. It's too much. Crazy. And for some reason, NBA basketball players love it. Maybe it's because every dish has

14,000 calories. They get a cheat day once a year. Why not waste it there? They do. The Glendale one's great. And they're in the Americana and in the Grove. Yeah. Sure. So just to wrap it all up with the casual dining experience restaurants, Amy Miller,

you went to the Olive Garden, Cracker Barrel, Johnny Rockets, Outback Steakhouse, and then Claim Jumpers. That's good. Sean Jordan, Buffalo Wild Wings, Applebee's, Pizza Hut, Famous Dave's, and Old Chicago Pizza. jumpers that's good sean jordan buffalo wild wings apple bees pizza hut famous daves and old chicago pizza i went with red robin tony romas pf chang's the international house of pancakes and the cheesecake i'm sorry a little bit as i said cheesecake factory which is actually the proper pronunciation so that is the pick thank you for listening to a fairly quick and i'm sorry sorry about that, but I have to go to the DMV episode of All Fantasy Everything. We'll be back next week with probably another three-hour one.

Thank you for listening. I've been Ian Carmel. Be sure to check out Amy Miller and Sean Jordan. And tune in again next week for another new episode of All Fantasy Earth. of all fantasy, Earthhang. That was a HeadGum Podcast.