All Fantasy Everything - Celebrity Meltdowns (w/ Kara Klenk, Sean Jordan, and Zak Toscani)

Episode Date: May 3, 2018

THIS EPISODE OF AFE GOT THAT DRAGON ENERGY. The Fortress of Solid Dudes (Sean, Zak, Ian) is joined by comedian Kara Klenk to draft celebrity meltdowns! Thank you to hims for sponsoring this episode of the podcast. All Fantasy Everything listeners get a trial month of hims for just $5 today right now while supplies last. Go to forhims.com/allfantasy.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that is heading out right now to go see a Canadian band in concert. Who doesn't? Who doesn't? Who doesn't go do that? Who literally just hit, make sure that record got hit. Uh-huh. And then just bounced down the stairs and hop on the back of a moose on ice skates, which proceeded to ice skate all the way to whatever theater this Canadian-ass band is playing at.

This is the first show in forever that Super Producer Marissa is not a part of. Yeah. Instead, we have Junior Super Producer David, right? Hell yeah. Shout out to David. Shout out to junior super producer David. That's a tricky one. Oh, Davin.

You dabbed on him. Sean. Sean Jordan has been trying to bring the dab back or keep the dab going. I love Sean doing this. I got stuck in traffic and then dabbed. It is fun. I love it. It's just corny enough where dads would do it.

But if you're in on the joke, it's funny. It looked great when David did it. I don't like when you do it. I like David's version of it. All right. Well, I'm going to need some lessons. Wait, have you guys seen that viral video of all those little kids dabbing? Oh, yeah.

And it's an all-black school, and they're all dabbing, and they're doing great. Oh, yes. Amazing. And then the one little white kid literally just freezes in place. He can't even do it. It's so great. It's literally... Like Leonard Nimoy thing. Yeah. It's a cultural illustration come to life. I really love it.

It's what you look like. Oh, what are you talking about, Tim? That's what I do at the airport when they wave me on. I'm like, okay, dab. I just dab at every part of it. You know, that podcast. Yeah, yeah, it's that podcast. That's what podcast it is. What if we dab some of this pop culture?

Dab, and speaking of airports, 5 a.m. flight for Olshani tomorrow. You know what they call it when a guy who marries your mom dabs? Yeah, I do. We all do. I couldn't think of a way to describe it without saying Deb.

They call it a step-deb for those who... You handed us a Rubik's Cube with one square a skew. We could put it together. Can you put the red where the red goes? Yeah. Sean Jordan in the studio today. Yep. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter.

Totally. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. Totes. Heading to... Well, by the time this comes out. We'll have been in Boise. We'll have been to Boise. And I'll be in Sioux Falls.

Currently in Sioux Falls celebrating the graduation. You know, the day this comes out, I will be at JL Beers in Sioux Falls, South Dakota with my friend Todd Hanson, who's holding a tasting for Boulevard Brewery out of Kansas City. Oh, awesome. You'll be at JL Beers, if not jail. I'll be at Jail Beers. Dude, we know a kid named Kale who went to jail for a long time, so we started calling him Jail.

He hates it. He won't let us call him Jail, and to me, that's a bummer. Kale's not great. That's what I'm saying. Be happy with Jail. Can you call him Jail-ass Kale? No. He gets that kind of serious where he's like, come on.

Like, don't. The kind of serious where you've been to prison? Yeah, he means it. He wasn't in prison. He was in jail. Oh, he went to jail. Yeah, he was in fucking jail. I don't want to be in prison. I don't want to be in prison.

I don't want to be in prison. You didn't get all of it in prison. You didn't get the stable. You're definitely supposed to die in the corner. Limestone Comedy Festival, end of May. There it is. If you guys are, if you're so inclined. I'll be there with Marcella, and she'll be being mean to me.

You can see her in real life. Marcella Aguero being mean to me. That's what'll happen. Not only that, do we have Sean Jordan in the studio? We also have the birthday boy. Uh-oh. While this is being recorded, the birthday boy, Zach Toscani. Thanks for having me.

Happy birthday, buddy. Yeah, three-time guest. Big time guest. Back to back to back. Zach to Zach. The turkey guest. Ah, the bowling reference, because you're a big bowler. Oh, yeah.

I was on the bowling team in high school. It's funny. I knew that about you, but I didn't know it was your birthday today. That's odd. Yeah. Well, you know, some people live differently. Sure. Yeah.

I was talking. It's like a very, I don't know if that's a very male friendship kind of thing. Maybe. No, it's definitely not. I think just independently. I mean, that's just with everyone it's just not something that i'm like i'm not comfortable being like come out and see me it's and i and i don't begrudge people that i love going to other people's it's just not tough

trait when you're a comedian to have yeah yeah really well i get around it yeah you do i know birthdays are fun to in the sense of like it's an excuse for me to get all the fun people that i want to hang out with at once together but i don't want anyone to ever go out of their way i want to make it like a saturday night that everyone's free at the roost before you guys found out do you do you want to know what my plans were yeah i was gonna take a long walk you were yeah that's awesome that was like your birthday gift to yourself Well it wasn't like I don't put a lot of importance on it On myself either But I was just like well I guess that's kind of how I'm feeling now And I'll just if I still feel that way

I'll go with that Self care It's fun a long walk's fun I like a long walk Really take Glendale in the spring I love Glendale What month is it? Glendale in April spring. I'd take Glendale in the spring. I love Glendale. What month is it? Glendale in April.

Maybe get over to Eagle Rock, you know, really live life, walk on the razor's edge. I'll keep it Glendale. All right. Glendale's got a lot of little nooks and crannies. You got Adams Hill. You got Glendale South, Glendale North. The Americana. The Americana District.

That is neither a nook nor a cranny, my friend. That is a broad, broad street. The Verdugues. Yeah. The rolling, broad street. The Verdukes? Yeah. The Roland Verdukes? The Verdukes, bro! Glassell Park? Is that part of Glendale?

No, I think it's its own thing, but it shouldn't be. Instead, I've got a little dinner planned for us. I'm excited. I scrambled. I think you're going to really like it. I love it. So we're going to not eat the chicken fried steak that we usually eat halfway through a recording.

Very loudly. Yeah. That's why Marissa is such a super producer. She edits it out. She somehow gets it out. Good luck, David Dune. Oh, we're not doing it. We're not doing it.

For David's first one, we're not doing it. Lucky boy. Fantastic. Where can people see you? This comes out next week. Walking around, besides walking around Glendale. Walking around Glendale, July 19th through the 21st, opening for Gary Goldman, Comedy Works South.

That's Denver. And then headlining Portland Helium, August 22nd. There it is. One night only. Mark it down. One night only. Again, you can see Sean and I across the street at a separate show. I mean, well, depending if Zach was the date.

No, I've heard that it was free and you guys were giving out liquor. It's free. In fact, we're paying. Carrie, do you want to come do it with us? We're just kind of loading up all the best comedians.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm in. Not for any particular reason. Just kind of there to hang out with Zach, but like going to do it, also want to do a show. Competing show.

Well, yeah, competing, I don't know. I don't know if that's a fair word. We're not doing a two, Zach. He's just going to have to be there. They wake me up every night

and just kind of explain it to me that it's not, you know, there's my best interest. Right around 2.45 a.m. Movie theaters all around Glendale play in Black Panther at the same time, you know?

That's true. That's very true. We're just, we want people to be able to get enough comedy for the night. That's all we're saying. I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The open market. Chappelle might drop in. So, yeah, it's going to be fun. Make sure you go see Zach. For my show, right? No, no, no. Yours might get canceled, actually. No. I'll get Steve Chappelle might drop in. So yeah, it's going to be fun. Make sure you go see Zach. On my show, right? No, no, no. Yours might get canceled, actually. I'll get Steve Chappelle.

Yeah, Steve Chappelle. You're going to get David LaChapelle. He's going to come oil up everyone in the audience and take very shiny pictures. A very informative, very, very boring tutorial about photography. You're going to learn a lot, but you know. Can I tell you a funny story?

You've met Louis Weymouth, who we work with, right? And who's been on this podcast before. He, he used to in New York and in London, go like, go to big lines at like crazy parties,

walk up to the front and be like, hi, I'm David LaChapelle. And they let him in. It worked. Whoa. Man, that's cool.

Cause nobody knows what David LaChapelle looks like. Of course they don't. But they know the name and they're like, all right, well, why would somebody nobody knows what David LaChapelle looks like. Of course they don't. But they know the name. And they're like, all right, well, why would somebody lie about being David LaChapelle? Yeah, right? It's like Abe Froman. And Louis got like a nice British accent. They're like, he's probably British.

Right. I would assume he would be. Well, of course he's British. Yeah. Yeah. And he's dressed nicely and has a sense of superiority. Yeah. That's just like, listen, I am David LaChapelle.

So let me. So let me David La into this party. I'd like to get into this. Let me La into this party. La at me into this party. La at me into this party. The fourth voice you hear on the microphone, Cara Clank, first time guest on the podcast. Thank you so much for having me.

This is a dream. At Cara Clank on Twitter. Yep. That's both Ks. Cara Clank on Twitter. Yep. That's both Ks. It's all Ks. Both of them, motherfuckers. There are no Cs. Get the hell out of here with those Cs.

No, dude. Who steps with a C? Hard Ks everywhere. That's what I'm saying. K right here. K over there. Yeah. Two Ks right here.

Yeah. Sean, you don't have one in your name, but I feel one in you. Yeah, yeah. It's in there, dude. Yeah. Patrick. Yeah, I got one. Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And a C, though. They cancel out. Why you gotta bring up old shit? You got a C in yours, too. I said what I said. No. To Sky. It's actually Z-A-S. It's with a K now. Alright. Oh, cool. On Instagram, also Karak Lank? Yep.

Fantastic. Yep. All across the board. How are you doing? How was your day today? Good. My day was good. Fantastic. Yep, all across the board. How are you doing? How was your day today? I'm good. My day was good. Good. Yeah, I was getting prepped for this podcast. Absolutely.

Just lifting weights. Doing free weights and screaming into the pillow? Yeah, yeah, for sure. Set the whole room on fire and said, I'm not going to leave until I do 1,000 push-ups. I put one of those super scary gas mask looking things on and I run. But I bring a treadmill out front and I run on it. Have you seen those before?

Wait, what? Those are terrifying. So I see it at the gym all the time because again, they look like, well, every day. Every single day at the gym. Every, for God's sake.

It's hard. It's got to be tricky to find time to go to the gym in between riding because you were nominated for- Nominated for an Emmy recently. An Emmy. That's what it was.

The last Emmy Awards I was nominated for. Yeah, yeah. I heard about that. For my work on the Tony Awards. Yeah, right. You know. The Tony Awards.

Nominated for a different award. When I think of you, Ian, I think Broadway. The Tony Awards. It was wild when they asked me to write on it. I was like, are you sure? I want to show them football pictures. Dude, my mom sent me, real quick, she sent me a photo today when I was in junior football. And on the plaque, they spelled my name wrong and got my jersey number wrong.

It was a picture of me. And it said number 60, Sean, whatever the fuck they said. And I was number 80. I'm just like, nobody wanted me to play football, dude. How do you fuck up Jordan, too? That's serious. What is it? It's synonymous with sports.

Gordon? Jordan? My coaches weren't the sharpest knives. Like the fridge guy? When you passed a bunch of Broadway stars at the Tonys, I would imagine that some of them regressed to high school and felt like you were going to bully them. Oh, I didn't even get to go.

Like instinctually. I think maybe because that was anticipated. Not because you are mean, but you have a demeanor of a football player. Yeah. The physicality. I carry myself quite jockeys i absolutely do i think they would have reacted poorly yeah we did a thing with eddie redmayne

on the show and he his energy didn't work with mine at all what was how does someone's energy not work with you i've seen quite a few energies shrinking Shrinking violet. Oh. And you know me. Big ass violet. You and the Danish girl didn't hit it off. No. As much as I wanted to. Yes. Eddie Redmayne and the membrane. And I didn't get along.

We got along fine. It was just like. Wait, so you guys were talking about those masks? What are they? Oh, okay. They're like Bane masks? What are they? Oh, okay. They're like Bane masks. Yeah, they look like Bane masks. What do you use it for?

They are supposed to make it, simulate like you're breathing at a higher elevation? Yeah. Something like that? Yeah. Just make it hard for you to breathe. It's crazy. And then that makes you lose weight better?

Or are you training so that you can run in Colorado? It's training. It gets you better cardio. It gets your... I think your... It's all about your oxygen, maybe needing less oxygen to perform exercise. It makes your body use its oxygen more efficiently so you don't have it on. It's kind of like what, I guess, I mean, other than the drugs, that's what Lance Armstrong was really good at,

was that he could not breathe as deeply and still put the same output as other cyclists. Oh, wow. But you see the people that I've seen wearing those things, you're like, you have, that's like if you're a professional athlete and you need that like 0.5%, that's the difference between you and every other pro. The people that wear them at the gym, you're like, you have so many other things before you handle that one. Totally.

There were two guys, one for each of you. There were two guys at the gym we go to who I've seen wearing. One of them is this like crazy yoked. He looks like his body's made out of like bowling balls that have been stuck together. And they stretch skin over him like he's crazy yoked. Doc Ock magnets from Spider-Man and the bowling balls are just sucking to him everywhere. Which is like massive. And he's got like this shaved head and he puts one on.

And then he just does 5 000 push-ups and like you you either believe in god way more or not at all when you see him his neck is no longer functional yeah it doesn't turn no it's just it's just a big fucking oak shelf of a man that's it's so fascinating to me the people that like because like who work out past functionality where it's like you can't even like turn you have to turn your entire waist to like look maybe a few degrees off yeah it's too big yeah that's my that's a cross-eye bear you know all the time well if you weren't there every god damn day working on your goldbergs dude the fucking the ear to shoulder muscles

it goes not you can't really tell in pictures of me, but when you see me in person, it goes right from my shoulder, roughly an inch off the top of my head is how big my traps are. Those aren't sideburns, it's shoulder hair. But the other guy who wears the Bane mask, the skinniest legs I've ever seen in my life. Oh, yeah. He looks like Tyson Chandler. Yeah. If you don't get that reference, Google Tyson Chandler plus shorts.

Just look at, most basketball players have really, really skinny legs. Real skinny legs. Everybody but Draymond Green. Draymond Green. Tree trunks. Big ass tree trunks. Also Raymond Felton, that chubby little gummy bear. Oh, yeah.

He looked terrible. I think it was a network on Twitter was just like, he looks like a 14 pound bowling ball. Yeah. Just going down the court. Shouts to Jason Concepcion, friend of the podcast. Playboy. Had me on a what's-its-face. Oh yeah, NBA desktop. NBA desktop. Had me on a what's-its-face.

I did it one week, then it was Malloy, and then it was Ian. I'll just go fuck myself. I'm literally sitting here quietly because I don't know anything about sports. It's alright. I don't know. Honestly, I know what these two know because I'm literally sitting here quietly because I don't know anything about sports. It's all right. It's all right. I don't know. Honestly, I know what these two know because I'm with them. Yeah.

But like I... It seeps in. I fuck up sometimes. Like the other... I forget the name, but the other night they were talking about my name and I go, is that a comic? And like, no, he's playing like right now. He was like the dude who had the ball.

And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, totally. I'm going to go get another Coors Light and slice of pizza. To be fair, though, eventually all the good ones will try stand-up one time. Yeah, absolutely. They'll all become friends with John Mayer, and he'll be like, I do stand-up. Come, let's do it. Joe Mandy will hang out with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sean doesn't know about skateboarding, though. Name some tricks, Sean. Nollie heel flip. Gersh grind is a fun one. Smith grind is always a good trick. See, big spin. Whoa. Smith grind. Kickflip backside tailslide. Stalefish is a fun one. Smith grind is always a good trick. Kickflip backside tail slide. Stalefish is a fun grab. What's a fun name for it?

There used to be... The nightmare air. The Christ air is the Jesus one. What is that? Where you fucking die on a skateboard and come back? For three days only. Yeah.

What is it? Has anyone really ever done the Christ there? I forget. I think Christian Assoy did a bunch of them back in the day. What is it?

It's where you just grab your board and hold like you're on the cross. You straighten your legs and like hold your board out to the side. It's a vert trick. It's stupid. Nobody does it.

And then you can actually get the board back underneath you before you hit the ground? Some people can, yeah. Damn. Do you just use your hand to put it right back under your... Yeah.

Okay. I mean, when you think about it, like if you're just... Think if you were just standing there holding a board for like four seconds. Someone was like, take this, grab it from your feet, put it to your side and put it back.

You could do that in four seconds. That's all they're doing in the air, but they're in the air doing... I mean, that sounds... I don't know if they could, but I know what you're saying. I could never do it, but the concept is like, it's pretty simple, but then you think, you

look down a vert ramp and you're like, wow, that's the scary part. Oh, yeah. I could never get past that. I tried to skateboard for a while, and once I got... And not even a big ramp, but just like a mini vert, I was like, no. Guess who's just... Shout out to Andy Pitts. Guess who just got a skateboard for Mr. Ian Conrad?

I got a skateboard. Ian's got a complete board. We're going to go down to the boardwalk. I'm going to shatter my elbow. No way, dude. I'm stoked about it. We're going to put your brain bucket on. Can you wear pads and a helmet, Ian?

I'll wear pads and a helmet. I'm not proud. We're going to be down on the boardwalk. It'll be like before our beach day. We're like Venice or something? Yeah. But isn't that so crowded? Like where do you skateboard if everybody's there?

How else am I going to have all the people see me being cool as hell? Yeah, that's true. That's like if a tree falls in the woods, right? Like, if Ian skateboards in an empty lot, does it really happen? If a tree looks fucking sick with his knee pads, shoulder pads even. You're going to have some, oh God. You're going to have some cheetah print Kevin Staub knee pads, dude. You're going to look fucking ill.

And then ankle weights for some reason. Cut off shirt. Yeah. Smoking like two of those cross blunts where it's like, so it's like six blunts total. heads dude you're gonna look and then ankle weights for some reason cut off shirt yeah smoking like two of those cross blunts where it's like so it's like six blunts you have those headphones that those 70s headphones that had like the antenna so you could just listen to the radio and i have those and i'm wearing the oakley thuds which are the oakley's that had the headphones built in yes i got that and the radio one the oakley what thuds they're like these sunglasses that attached in your ear like little earbuds.

And how many songs do you think that could hold? Like 20 at the time? I don't know. Did they need to hold anything other than Jump by Van Halen? They probably just came with that program then. Just different versions of it, like an acoustic. Wait, why would they call it a thuds? That's what I'm like.

Maybe they were thumps. Maybe they were thumps, not thuds. I like thuds. Get your Oakley thuds. Thuds. Thuds are the ones that like whatever knockoff sunglasses brand made. Hitachi made those or something. Whatever.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of a sunglasses store in the mall but there's too many of them the mall in glendale has like eight different sunglasses yeah dude and i don't know the personalities of those stores like which one is mine either yeah uh i i'm ian carmel at ian carmel across platform there it is there it is uh i don't think i have anything to broke listen to all fantasy everything sure come see uh good looks the first and third Wednesday in Los Angeles. In LA. Thank you for coming out

to Moon Tower Comedy Festival. We filled it up. I was so off my game. I don't buy it, dude. I was so off my game. You say that when we're sitting right here and I'm like, I don't buy it. So I don't believe you.

I bet when we listened to it you were like, you were fine. I don't think I was. I think I was pretty bad. Like LeBron doesn't always do as well as he does, but it's not a bad game, you know? Were you hungover or what? No. What happened was I hadn't drank for several weeks, but then I had a couple drinks waiting

for the podcast to start, and I was in this weird zone. I drank like a full Stumptown Cold brew, large, and then had a couple drinks. So I was this weird kind of like wired buzz. Yeah. But it was like nothing was getting through. Zach, are you okay? Are you chewing or are you like choking? Okay, cool.

Zach was just leaning off mic. I thought you were laughing. I'm like, what's so funny? No, I was just eating a cracker. I really respect that you lean away from the mic like that. Because the sound of people chewing makes me want to die. You know what kills me is when people eat on the phone. I want to fucking.

Oh my God. It's like, dude, you had to pick an apple to call me and be like, so when are you going to pick me up? And just yuck on it. And then just start chomping away. Never. That's what I'm picking you up. Never. That's what texting's for, dick.

Apple's the dickheadest thing to eat while you're talking to someone, too. I feel like a dick eating an apple almost in general. Yeah, you have to eat an apple alone in a closet. With pillows over the cracks. You got to Chicago the door, put a towel under it. Yeah, you towel the door. Makes me think of that Bill Burr joke about Steve Jobs where he was like, Steve Jobs would walk and he's like, eating some pretentious fruit like a pear.

He's like, big little, big little. Make it happen. Dude, this kid snuck in the green room at this festival, and he wasn't on the festival, so he's just mobbing on all the food. He's eating a peach like he's never seen food before, and it was just down on his elbows like he just... This is at Moon Tower? No, this is at Bumbershoot

a while back. Moon Tower. Back to it. Oh, no. I mean, I wanted to hear about the guy fucking calling me by your naming, that peach. Get serious. I was like, dog, you look insane. Yeah, like you just like, you know, went down on Garfield Get serious. I was like, dog, you look insane. Yeah, like you just like, you know, went down on Garfield or something. Huh? What are we doing?

All right. What are we doing? Pass the zip zaps up. Where's the hot switch at? What are we doing? Zip zaps up, my friend. Oh, my God. Huh?

iOS classes are paying off. They really are. Oh, my gosh. Wait, iOS shut down. I know. That's a joke. That's why they're paying off. Because they just stand out there.

I was like, did you get some bargain basement last minute fire sale classes? Quick, quick, hurry up! One teacher still hanging around. The scene is the room's being demolished. Your suggestion is asbestos.

If you want to eat a fruit that doesn't leave your hands sticky, try starfruit. Has anyone ever eaten a starfruit? Yeah, but they're kind of weird looking though. They're weird looking, but you can eat it all. Yeah, but they're weird looking. There's no stem or anything.

You can eat the seeds. It's like a banana kind of, but you can eat the outside. You ever seen people do that? My friend Baron used to eat an apple from top to bottom and he'd eat the whole thing, the core and everything. The core? Real buck. No, thank you.

That's so crazy. How's the core every now and then? Ah, I don't know, man. I like a pear. I like a Bosque pear. Me too. Yeah. I don't know that I've ever held a pear in my hand and eaten it.

I'm more of a slice. I slice my fruit up and then eat it. Do you do that tough thing like you're in Vietnam where you slice it and eat it off the knife? Yeah. Oh, I love that move. Yeah. And I question someone while I'm doing it. I'm like Oh, I love that move. Yeah. And I question someone

while I'm doing it. I'm like, let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. Is that bong going to reload itself? Pretend your hand is this pear.

Do you like a crisp pear or what's your ideal? Yeah, I mean, I don't want to be mealy or anything. Oh, yeah, that sounds disgusting with a mushy pear.

I don't like those green ones that come in like a Harry and David basket, though. I like the brown ones. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't like a Bartlett. come in like a Harry and David basket, though. I like the brown ones. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I don't like a Bartlett. I like a Bosque.

Okay. And I just love the taste. But if they're all too soft, they got to go in the garbage. Oh, really? See, I love them. They can't be too soft. If I'm eating them just in my hand, I like overripe, where it's like if you press in, it really leaves an indent.

Yeah. I hear what you're saying. I guess I could do that. In a salad, I would probably prefer this. You guys are setting up a future draft, and it's fruits. Yeah. How are we doing fruits draft? Boy, that says it all about us. Yeah.

Oh, grapes again? Let's draft ways we deal with scurvy. So, shout out for Moontower. These are going to be either two separate thoughts or linked thoughts. I don't want to blow up anyone's spot. Just shout out to Neil Ruby. Neil Ruby won on Instagram.

Shout out to you for your hospitality. He came out to the live recording. He was very nice. And then later that night, I met up with some people, and they hooked me up with a street drug donor. Molly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a small amount of it. I'm not saying who it was, but it happened.

They hooked you up with a Smolly. Smolly. Smolly Mount of Molly. And your boy indulged and then was at a dance club with these people and then went to a separate dance club where I proceeded to pay $40 to get into a $25 club, not because it was asked of me, but because I demanded it. You liked the tip. You said take the 40?

I was like, you guys work so hard. It's a tip for you two. You buy yourself something nice. Yeah, you buy yourself something nice with this $20. And then I went in there promptly, as fast as I could, not on purpose, but just split up with the group and then undid the buttons on my shirt, and just had this sweaty-ass dance party in this club that was playing EDM with all these 23-year-old strangers, and was just having

a great time with them. I love that. Molly's so fun. There was one dude who was dancing really close with this girl, right? Uh-huh. Do you pie face him? I pie face him, and I pie face him and I said, ditch the zero

and get with the four or five. Nobody was dancing really close with her and they were like, not grinding, but close enough that I'm like, hey, all right. I don't know what took a hold of me, but I tapped him on the shoulder

and I was like, dude, she's into you, go for it. And he was like, she's my sister. And I was like know what took a hold of me, but I tapped him on the shoulder. I was like, dude, she's into you. Go for it. And he was like, she's my sister. And I was like, oh, no. And then I was on Molly so much that I didn't even leave. I was just like, right on, man. And then just kept dancing. When he said that, they're all our sisters in a way, you know?

Did he say, like, she's my sister? Did he like, no, she's my sister, bro. Well, it was such a size differential between the two of us was as such. Did he say like, she's my sister? No, she's my sister, bro. The size differential between the two of us was as such that he never would have puffed up. Yeah, yeah. He was a slight man. As a woman who dances

with her brothers all the time, and I do, you'll never mistake us for fucking. Same here. I dance with my family all the time. I love it, but it'll be a very clear line. Yeah, well there's basically a point where is there a leg

in between your two legs? You know what I mean? Like is there even a calf? Like is a calf between the two calves? Like no, your legs don't intertwine when there is DNA that is shared. There's like a half a foot to a full foot in between. But these guys were like dancing pretty close.

So if you listen to the podcast, whoever you are. Knock it off. Figure it out for God's sake. I was at a wedding this last weekend in San Francisco. And sometimes I dance. I'm a bad dancer, but I love dancing. You're a great dancer. I like everybody else. I'm kind of the one who will go out and be like, look at me. I'm being a dipshit. So everybody else have fun and dance. I'm a bad dancer, but I love dancing. You're a great dancer. I like everybody else.

I'm kind of the one who will go out and be like, look at me. I'm being a dipshit. So everybody else have fun and dance. So I was doing that. And every now and again, I have a girlfriend. Love her to pieces. But every now and again, I just go see what would happen. So I just went and started dancing next to these girls.

I was like, what's up? And this girl looked at me. She's like, yeah. And just walked away. I mean, couldn't even just for a second. I was like, you guys having fun? Just not being creepy or weird or anything. And I was like, well, and then I got on stage and just started dancing.

You're a handsome guy. It doesn't make any sense. Well, you know, that's that bad of a dancer. Oh. Yeah. Well. It was fun. I don't know.

I don't think you're a bad dancer. I've seen you a lot. That he can't. Pretty dancer. Oh, shit. I don't think there are bad dancers. Look at you. I think if you're confident at it even if you're terrible

you're still kind of good and especially like as I've gotten older I'm like man if that's your groove then fucking go for it I agree as long as people are having fun I don't give a shit if you're not harming anyone or being intentionally weird go for it

I remember one time in college I was friends with a girl who was a terrible fucking dancer she was such a bad dancer like being intentionally weird, like go for it. I remember one time in college I did, I was friends with a girl who was a terrible fucking dancer. She was such a bad dancer. Like Elaine was doing the fucking, like basically she was very Elaine. It was a lot of like side to side, just like shitty sway moves.

Like it was really bad. And then one time I was kind of just like, I noticed it for the first time when we were like in Jamaica on a trip. So we were dancing a lot at bars and I was was like, do you guys see how Christy dances? It's kind of crazy. And they were like, what do you mean? And I was like, it's like this. And then I turned around and she's right behind me. We lock eyes.

And she goes, and for a second I go, and she goes, yeah, Kara. And just started shitty dancing with me, mimicking my moves that were mimicking her. And I was like, oh my God, I'm safe. I'm safe. Awesome. What a friend. Wow.

That's a tense. Because that has never happened to me where someone's right behind me and I'm talking about them. Oh God. And I was like, and she was like, you do it. And I totally survived.

She was like, can't I do a really good dance? She was like, we were tearing it up last night on the dance floor. I'm like, yeah, we were, girl. Look, we could dance around the issue all we want, but we are not gathered here today in beautiful downtown Los Angeles. The HeadGum Studio. Like a big pizza pie. What a perfect day outside.

What a perfect day inside. We are gathered here today to draft a topic ripped from the headlines. Literally. Dick Wolf style. Ripped from the headlines today. Executive produced by Dick Wolf. What a fucking name, dude. Dick Wolf.

Dude, have you ever seen people's, there are people that have tattoos that say executive producer Dick Wolf. Like the final title card after SVU or any of the lawn orders. people's um there are people that have tattoos that say executive producer dick wolf like the final title card after svu or any of the lawn orders man boy if i felt like rolling the dice every fucking day that'd be a fun tattoo i'll tell you guys something uh you might be you might find interesting i am caught up on svu like i watch it currently i've seen every episode two plus times okay and i'm caught up on the current season, which is season, I believe, 19. That's amazing. Yeah.

I watch every, I'm a huge SVU head. That's awesome. I just, guys, I love sex crimes. Come on. What? Yeah, I've never actually seen an episode. You never have? Really?

No, not like cover to cover. You've never watched the USA Network ever? I know, seriously. It's like you've never turned USA on before. Or Ovation. You've certainly seen one. You've seen a whole one. It's been on. You know what? I gotta recommend one to you if you want to see one. They do do one where a stand-up comedian is accused of rape

and it's hilarious. Wow. And in New York it's not hilarious. Rape is not funny. But the episode is funny the way that they make it seem. Like, first of all, it's Jonathan Silverman, the actor from the 80s, like the guy we get at Bernie's and stuff like that. He's playing it's Jonathan Silberman, the actor from the 80s, like the guy from Weekend at Bernie's. It's like that. He's playing the comedian. And they go to the comic strip in New York City.

The police go to the comic strip to like question him. When he walks in, the comedian goes, I mean, sorry, when the detectives walk in, the comedian goes, oh, look, everyone. It's the NYPD. And everyone starts booing. What? And then they go, and they're from the sex crimes division. And everyone keeps booing and then they go and they're from the sex crimes division and everyone keeps booing it's fucking

amazing it's the best episode you gotta watch it that sounds fascinating like what do law and order writers think stand up comedy is yeah it was and like also you guys can question him anytime he's on stage for 15 minutes a night you don't have to go find him

at the club like do you know what i mean like they are sitting at a table they're in the front row like two drink minimum for the nypd like it makes no sense cranberry vodka yeah yeah i guess i'll take a sex on the beach uh we gotta watch that one together as a family yeah so in new york i know in la they do it i think but do you guys know about Schtick or Treat? okay so Schtick or Treat where they were comedians for Schtick or Treat like four years ago in New York I was fictional rape comedian whatever his name is I forgot but I dressed as him

did you have like cops come in? I did like a whole act where I was like I forgot what I did but it was very inside it was for the 20 people in the audience that knew that SVU everyone in New York had been talking about it a little bit this episode because it was based inside. It was for the 20 people in the audience that knew that SVU, everyone in New York had been talking about it a little bit this episode because it was based on like a real comic.

It was based on this real comic that got accused of, I think, like attacking a waitress or something. You know, ripped from the headlines. That's the whole point. They were ripped from the headlines. It's not a guy that any of us know. I think, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know who I'm talking about. Oh, that guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like one of our pals. It's like a rogue dude any of us know of. I think, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know who I'm talking about. Oh, that guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like one of our pals. It's like a rogue dude. Fuck that dude. Yeah. Stick or tweet for the listeners who don't know.

Comics dress up as other comics and do an act as them for Halloween. I forgot to ask you, what do you have to plug? What's coming up? Where can people see you? I like to do it at the top. Oh, I am actually recording my first album in New York City. Oh, there it is. There's going to be a lot of listeners in New York. Oh, yeah. I'm at the UCB Oh, I am actually recording my first album in New York City. Oh, there it is.

There's a lot of listeners in New York. Oh, yeah. I'm at the UCB Theater in the East Village on 520, May 20th.

That sounds fun. And, yeah, I'm recording my first album with a special thing record, so you can get tickets for that at UCB's website. And in New York here,

I have a show every Monday, I mean in LA here, sorry, I have a show at UCB Sunset every Monday called If You Build It. And I have a new podcast. Oh, talk about it. Uh-oh. I have a new podcast with two other comedians.

One who's been on your show a bunch of times, I think Megan Gailey. Oh, yeah. We love Megan. The girls. Megan Gailey and Christy Coffey, who is a former comedian, more like a comedy adjacent person, comedy producer. Great. And it's on the Starburns Network.

It's called Let's Talk About Texts. And we just kind of like we go through our text messages and basically like talk about all the shit we've been talking on our phone

all week. Oh that's great. That sounds awesome. So listen to Let's Talk About Texts after you listen to all of All Fantasy Everything.

Yes. The entire catalog. And every other HeadGum podcast. Yes. And once you've done that. When you've exhausted

the HeadGum catalog you can head over. Once you've gone through all 19 seasons of HeadGum SVU you head over to Let's Talk About Texas. That's great. That sounds awesome.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Now, we are gathered here today to draft Rip from the Headlines Celebrity Meltdown. Sure. We are drafting Celebrity Meltdown. It is Rip from the Headlines because the day we were recording this, somebody on Twitter, a rapper we all like, has been going through a very public meltdown. Is melting down.

He's having a time. He might come up. Yeah, he might come up. Who has been going through a very public meltdown. Is melting down. While he's having a time. He might come up. Yeah, he might come up. Who knows? He might come up a couple times. He may get brought up because he's had, if we're talking about the same one, multiple meltdowns.

Of course, we're talking about Royce the Five Nine. I thought we were talking about Pain in Da Ass. He's having a very public meltdown right now. We're talking about, oh shit, who's that guy who does, I love selling coke. Oh, Stitches, dude? Stitches. I love selling blow. That guy, blow, who's that guy who does, I love selling coke. Oh, Stitches, dude? Stitches.

I love selling blow. That guy, blow, yeah. That guy's only a meltdown. What a harsh. To be born a meltdown. Oh, my God. Born a meltdown, die a meltdown. We're gathered here to draft celebrity meltdowns.

Now, to determine the order of that draft, the three of you will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. You go on shoot. You don't do it? No, I stay out. I abstain. So we go one, two, three, shoot. All right, here we go. One of rock, paper, scissors. You go on shoot. You don't do it? No, I stay out. I abstain. So we go one, two, three, shoot. All right, here we go.

One, two, three, shoot. Oh, wait. Is that on paper? That's paper. Throw it again. Throw it again. One, two, three, shoot. Oh, did it again?

One, two, three, shoot. Aha. Aha. Sean Jordan prevails. Yes, and I will be going for it. I wait. Before you pick your order of the draft. No, I'm so excited. Fault moment. Like that, just jump it. I know. No, and I will be going for it. I wait. Before you pick the order of the draft. No, I'm so excited.

Fault moment like that. Just jump it. I know. No, yeah, no. I have half a mind. I don't even know what the order will be. It might even be three quarters to strip away your privileges. I don't know.

And give it to birthday boy Toscani. I'm not going to because I believe in justice. Well, I don't know what the order is yet because I don't really know how the draft works yet. Oh, God, thank you for bringing that up. Before you use it to remind you it is a serpentine draft. Okay. Oh, wait, yeah, I don't know what the order is yet because I don't really know how the draft works yet. Oh, God, thank you for bringing that up. Before you, to remind you, it is a serpentine draft. Okay. Oh, wait, yeah, I don't,

you guys talked about this on another episode and I did not understand. Oh, we're having to explain it again. We're having to explain it again. Please. So let's say you're reading, let's say you're reading a book and you read left to right,

but then you stop at the right side and then you read right to left. The whole sentence backwards. The whole sentence backwards. And then you go left to right again and then you go right to left and you whole sentence backwards. The whole sentence backwards. And then you go left to right again and then you go right to left. And you just rinse, repeat until you have a stroke. Basically what it means is

if you pick fourth in the first round, then you pick first in the second round. Okay, so if it goes like Sean, Zach, me, E, and then it goes E and me, Zach, Sean. Got it. If you pick first or fourth, you'll end up having a lot of back to back picks yeah

excellent so Sean you won the game of rock paper scissors what is the order of the draft going to be alright I won't go because I didn't

I don't think anyone's going to pick my first pick I want it so bad but I won't just for the sake of do whatever you want alright I'm first yeah

second Zach is second third and fourth do we do it like that sure Kara third yeah yeah Kara third Ian fourth For the sake of... We can do whatever you want. All right, I'm first. Yeah. Second. Zach is second. Third. Fourth. Do we do it like that? Sure. All right. Kara third, Ian fourth. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Kara third, Ian fourth. I always think that everybody's here and they can just see it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First, second, third. Thus spoke Shama Fustra. So you're the first pick? Yeah. You're on the clock in the celebrity meltdown, all fantasy, everything.

Yeah. What are you going to take, my man? So I'm going passion pick. And there are a bunch of wildly popular celebrity meltdowns, but gosh, am I... Man, see, this is, it's tricky.

Yeah, the first one I'm picking, I have to do it, I'm picking Pat O'Brien. Pat O'Brien! He's a, he's a, he's a, he grew up, he went to my college, he grew up in my hometown. No kidding! And that was the first. Where's that?

Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Yeah. And he is the first meltdown that I remember happening when he called and left that girl all those messages about like. You're so fucking hot. You're so fucking hot. I just want to fuck you and do coke. And we're listening to those on the internet and we're like, whoa.

Yeah. This dude knows where to get coke. I'd never even seen it. And also just like he was so mild. Like you're just like, oh, the guy on Entertainment Tonight. You don't think of those people having like this hellacious wildlife. And then I struggled with the, cause everyone's like, what a piece of shit. And I'm like, well, he's just telling, he's just saying I want to do some stuff.

It was in 2005 well I mean you know who everyone's had the thought like I want to do coke and have sex everyone's had that thought

yeah right right honestly those things don't really lend themselves to each other they don't it doesn't seem I don't know if you've ever

done both of those things at the same time it doesn't seem like I want to do coke and send incomprehensible text messages at 4 a.m. That makes sense. Yeah, yeah. Those things go together.

Coke and sex, one does not beget the other. They don't, you know. But yeah, it was just the first one where, first of all, we're like, dude, that dude's from South Dakota. We're all in South Dakota looking at this. How come he doesn't get brought up when you go January Jumps? Oh, so he got Bob Barker. January Jumps.

He's out. January Jumps. He's he got Bob Barker. He gets out. January Jones. He's off. Bob Barker. You keep a streak lit. Oh, yeah, dude. Bob Barker ain't having meltdowns. Pat O'Brien.

So he hosted Access Hollywood and The Insider. And then in 2005, yeah, he left a bunch of sexually explicit voicemails to a woman he had just met. That's the other thing. It's like, dude. What a lurker. Yeah, that changes it. Slow your roll. Those's the other thing. It's like, dude. What a lurker. Yeah, that changes it.

Slow your roll. Those are the kind of messages you gotta, you can leave those for a long time partner. I mean, I guess that's not surprising. That's why they were probably leaked. For whatever reason, I just thought like, oh, this is his girlfriend and like somehow the media intercepted these or something. Yeah. Noi.

Yeah, that makes it a little crazier. Yeah, I mean, I'd take back what I said. I sounded more funny in the moment, but yeah, it's super creepy and makes it a little crazier. Yeah. It is. I mean, I, I take back what I said. I was sounded more funny in the moment, but yeah, it's super creepy and bad. No, no, but Oh no.

I mean, we're all going to be talking about some 13 years ago. Yeah. We're not like drafting. I'd love to be in that situation. I've done this. Yeah. Just the,

just that also I, I hadn't really left any messages or anything like any weird thing. I've never done anything like that. You've never texted? I have. But at that point, I hadn't like made any real mistakes that way yet. Like I hadn't really sent anything back. Because I was what, like 23 when that happened probably?

Oh, yeah. Texting really wasn't popping. Yeah, it wasn't. It's sad to say, but I made those mistakes in my late 20s. Just thinking, listening to these things, I'm like, what a fucking idiot. Do they say what time he left these voicemails? Night. Of course.

Imagine it's just at 11 a.m. I want to fuck you so bad and do coke. What's the worst time to leave a coked out message where you'd be like, God, they're on Coke already? Like 3 p.m.? 6 a.m. Because it's like- No, 6 a.m. is though you just stayed up from the night before.

Right. Right? I like noon. You think the worst would be at noon? I think noon is so creepy. Yeah. You're like about to take lunch and someone leaves you a message like that? Noon in Phoenix in July.

The hotter it is, the worse it is. That's for sure. How are they still awake on Coke? God, I hope they're not outside right now. It's a guy you know. Staying until noon on Coke is tough. That is tough. I tried to do that once. Me and this dude tried to... It was a strip club opening at 11. We were like,

we're gonna do it! We're gonna make it! We made it through. We had the weirdest night and we made it to like... Did you make it? No, no, no, no, no. We made it to like nine. And we were at the Marathon Taverna in Portland, Oregon. And I was like, dog, you got to take me home. I can't. I can't.

I can't be going in there. Yeah. Yeah. It never feels like that finish line is coming at like 3 a.m. Like forever. Yeah. Then at some point the coke stops helping. Or hurting.

Or whatever you want to phrase it yeah or it yeah or it starts hurting not that I've ever done coke oh yeah god no we don't do that I honestly never have no yeah good don't

I don't need drugs to have a good time now if it was reading the bible neither at noon on a Tuesday in Phoenix in July sure

then I'm up I can yeah I can kind of guesstimate how I'd be on it I don't think I'd you've seen your friends do it yeah

yeah you guys hold it you guys are better at it whoa wait whoa wait whoa not us You've seen your friends do it. You guys are better at it. Whoa, wait, whoa, wait. I mean, when I go into my simulations... This is a very popular cop podcast. Cops love it.

When I put my VR goggles on that take me into a world where you two do coke, the way you act is... It's kind of like Grand Theft Auto except they're just on coke. Now, if you're wondering how we act shortly after a shift to the soup kitchen, sure, we can talk about that. Oh, yeah. We'd love to talk about that.

When you guys are high on fucking helping people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All the time. Don't do drugs, everyone. Pat O'Brien.

Pat O'Brien. Wild, wild guy. He looks like he would leave that kind of voicemail. Yeah. He's like that overly kind of fit, skinny, middle-aged dude who's like super tan. Way too tan, yeah. Does he have a mustache? Yeah.

He's got too much of my dad going on. Yeah. He's like a guy who thinks he's being very smooth, but it's just crude innuendo. He's like, I'd like to get behind you. And you're like, I know you're not as smooth as you think you're being. How do you like to go to a jazz club? I feel like you'd hit on someone like that. Pat O'Brien, first pick.

Zach Toscani, happy birthday. I love you. Thank you. What is your first pick? My first pick, I'm going to go Bjorn Borg. Oh. Wait, I didn't know this one. Yeah, okay.

So he was like a tennis prodigy so he got real big and he retired so he won like he was his primary time was like in the 70s so from like 75 to 80 he won like 11 grand slams was like on top of the world world number one and he like when he was a kid he had all these like crazy outbursts like he would break rackets and scream and stuff and then he had this coach who was like you can't show any emotion on court and that's kind of what he was known for in his career was like just never giving any kind of indication of how he was feeling or being blah blah blah and then he lost uh Wimbledon to John McEnroe who I was gonna say to say is who I would assume,

if you're going to do a tennis meltdown. Yeah, yeah, for sure. If you're going to do a tennis meltdown, I'm thinking McEnroe all the way, right? Well, this one's so like, I mean, the easiest way to explain it is like, Richie Tenenbaum is kind of like a little bit of, that's what Bjorn Borg, like, so he retired at 26.

So he lost Wimbledon, lost the US Open. And when he lost to John McEnroe, he left before the trophy ceremony. He got on a private jet and he was like, I'm done. At 26, like totally burnt out. So then he kind of just like was doing like Club 54 shit. Studio 54? Yeah. You know, I was in the know.

It's now called 54. And you're telling me you've never done cocaine. It's now a jazz club in New York called 54 Below where Real Housewives perform their cabaret. Oh, yeah. It is. What a fall from grace. Isn't there like a theater there above it, too? Yeah, I think Feinstein's.

It's called Feinstein's or something. Yeah. Used to be Andy Warhol's hideout. So he partied for a while? So he like party gunned drugs into drugs, like you know like cheated on his like multiple wives and stuff like that. Had a suicide attempt. Oh my god, this is so tenet-com.

And it was like he overdosed on sleeping pills and his wife found him and he said like oh I accidentally did it but there's some, you know what I mean? Like he had I think it was this thing that he he was so burnt out on tennis and being retired at 26 and you have like tons of money and you're

like internationally known i think he just wanted to kind of disappear yeah but also had no idea what his next move was like what do i do from this right and he started like a clothing company but that like all these businesses he had were failing because he wasn't a businessman. He just didn't have that acumen. He was a tennis player. So then, the crazy part is, so he retired in 81. He came back in 1991. Ten years later, he was 36

years old, and he got a wild card because of who he was, which is basically you just get into a tournament without having accrued points to be able to get that. And he came back. He grew his hair back out long. Hell yeah.

He was playing with wood rackets, which at this point were completely outdated. That's fucking dope. Everyone was playing grab fight. This is such a great story. He had his coach from a long time had, when he was playing before, died. So he had this new guy,

and this dude was just a country bumpkin who was like i'm a zen wizard yeah and he was casting spells for bjorn borg during this opening match really yes so he's playing with a wood racket like the all the announcers i've tried to buy this on vhs it's the only way i could find this documentary on it you and i i documentary on it, you and I? I swear you showed me something. Well, that was Borg McEnroe. Oh, okay. To get that, because I wanted to watch the full match. I've never seen it.

But he, so it's like he's playing in the first round against this guy who's like ranked, I don't know, 150th in the world. And he gets fucking beat so bad. Like 6-1, 6-1. Borg kills him? No, no, no. Borg loses badly. Retires again.

And it's just like, I don't know, that whole kind of post. Oh, I wanted that second match to work out. Right? But it was so bizarre because he was like clearly just like, well, I can just go back to what I was before. And the times had moved on. It's like a little Tanya. Yes. Remember when Tanya was like, I'm done.

But then she kind of came back. Right. Went back to the Olympics. I mean. And he had this mystique about him that was like kind of came back right went back to the olympics i mean and he had this mystique about him that was like kind of broken when he came back because it was like this guy retired on top would have been right and then it's like oh man i mean it's reality is like he was 36 right people can do things when they're 36 yeah i will be a tennis player. Okay? You heard what I said. I believe it. Wait. Thank you.

What's he up to now? So he was- I'm dying. He had business. No. There was a while there where he was about, he was going to sell his trophies. And John McEnroe was like,

I'll give you the money. You're keeping your trophies. So it was this like, they are really good friends. And so since then, Bjorn Borg's like, he's back. He's like still tennis elite.

So he's at tournaments. He's kind of involved. Iorg's like, he's back. He's like still tennis elite. So he's at tournaments. He's kind of involved. I think like financially he's settled down because his clothing company is huge and they use his name. So he's not involved with it, but he gets royalties. Okay. Is it like tennis apparel? It's like a lot of underwear. It's like, yeah, it's actually rock-a-wear.

It's actually Fugu. Bugleborg. Fucked up by unretiring. Bugleborg! Oh, I had like a pretty good FUBU one that you topped it, even as I was saying it. Fucked up by unretiring. Baby Bjorns.

Are those Bugleborg jeans you're wearing. Yeah. Wait, and he makes underwear. They're Bjorn Borg underwear. Well, it's like, yeah,

his signature. It's just like, it's, it's kind of, it's, I think way bigger in Europe and for sure Sweden, but it's like H and M kind of stuff, like very hip,

very slim, but it's like a lot of their stuff. I think the only thing they sell in America is like underwear. Well, that's all I wear. Okay. I just wanted to make sure he wasn't like living underneath a bridge with his no no no he's doing well like that's the thing i like is he's kind of he's he seems very stable he's playing on the champion store which is like the he still plays mackinrow every once in a while that's cute

so he's like found his lane and he's like i think he's he loves tennis again you know where it was like you get burnout you're like i can never know? Where it was like, you get burnout, you're like, I can never do this again. And then over time you're like, oh, these are the things I like from it. And you can, obviously the demands are less now. 10 year meltdown with a happy ending. Yes.

That's good. That's very nice. I like that one. That was a fun story. Yeah, dude, that was fucking. No wonder you got your laptop. I'm over here on my phone like a jamoke. I don't know what to do.

Jamoke, but with whipped cream baby what's up all fantasy everything listeners it's your boy rich homie carms now some people in this world are lucky enough to be a jason statham where they look super dope when they're bald and like they probably know krav maga and their shoulders look like they're made out of cannonballs and they could disarm someone using their feet in a complex kung fu maneuver or something like that. Some people are Jason Statham. The rest of us are George Costanzas,

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back to the podcast. Zach, excellent pick. Carrie, it's time for your first pick. Your first pick on AFE in general. My first pick for Meltdown,

for Celebrity Meltdown is Mariah Carey on Cribs. Yeah! Oh shit, I have the exact thing written down. Specifically, because they're one and one Mariah.

I usually get so bummed when somebody picks something I wanted, but I'm so excited that you have that exact same thing. Because, you know, that's a masked meltdown. When you look at that, you're like, is she freaking out? Do the producers have any idea what's going on, or is she just playing jazz? I remember watching it when it was on.

I remember watching it as a live, not live, but at the premiere episode of Quicks Comes I remember watching that too. When it comes on and I was young to the point where I remember, now I'm at a point where when someone's acting weird, I immediately am like, pills. I'm like, pills. You're on pills. Yeah, dude. But I think I was young enough that I was like, she's acting weird.

What's going on? We didn't have the blueprint yet. Didn't she slide in a bath at one point? She slides into a bath with her towel on. It's so crazy. She goes, I have Marilyn Monroe's piano. I wish I could show it to you, but I can't. What the fuck are you talking about?

Why? What's the clause? She's on exercise equipment and full heels. Yeah. Like a full six-inch stiletto. Doesn't she have like six wardrobe changes or something? There's a point where an assistant changes her outfit while she's walking. Dude.

But she never shows skin. Like somehow she stays fully covered the whole time while this assistant, she's walking through the house and this assistant is changing her clothes. You know how hard it is to watch an episode? They don't have them anywhere. I want to watch this. I think that there are clips of some of the Mariah Carey because it's such an iconic Cribs meltdown. Yeah.

That you can find clips on YouTube, but yeah, nothing is good quality. They're so dumb. MTV, put your catalog out there. Yeah, put it on your app. Just make all that shit. The real world's everything. Make MTV and have it all be retro. I'd watch it like crazy. When I worked at MTV a few years

ago, that's like actually something they were considering. They were like bringing back Daria. They were going to bring back Beavis and Butthead. They were going to bring back all that shit again because everything old is new again. Also, the best thing is that she's having this full meltdown on this show and then she was like,

but I won't show you my bedroom because if you see my bedroom, what's left from me? Like, she's basically like baring her soul and psychosis to the world, but it's like you can't see what I see. That is kind of a healthy move, but amidst, you can't see what I see. Yeah. You know? No, no, no, no. That is like kind of a healthy move,

but amidst all these other ones, it just seems more crazy. Right. I just remember her getting into that bathtub and going, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Something is wrong here. They don't know how bathtubs work. I'll show them.

Yeah, yeah. You're right. That's a good point. Like even, I don't know how old I was. I don't remember what year it was. I was like crazy young, but when she slid in the bathtub, I'm like, you

don't do it with your towel on, dog. She's not in, like, public where you would do it with your towel on, sure. Well, and I had never prior to that thought that Mariah Carey had anything crazy about her. Yeah. Like, I don't think she'd ever done anything crazy. Now, of course, she's at a reality show that I've watched all of. Yeah, a reality show.

Oh, it was great. Oh, it was called Mariah's World. She gets pushed around by assistants in chairs, in rolling chairs. Oh, I saw her in concert. You did? I went with Eliza.

Oh, great. And we went and it was her and Lionel Richie who, by the way, is 20 years older or something than Mariah and does a full

two-hour concert. Wow. Sweat pouring down from me. He keeps towels on his piano and just rocks it out. Mariah does a 35-minute performance where she never moves her legs one time. Like, her legs, she is constantly being carried on a throne, carried by beefy men, or she's just lounging on a piano.

Did she do the hits? Did she do, like, Dream Lover and stuff? Yeah, she does the hits, but a lot of them she only does, like, for a minute. Yeah, bummer. You know what I mean? And then it sort of mashups into another song. She's got a pretty fat catalog though. Sure.

Oh, yeah. It was wonderful. Like I had the best time. I wanted her to perform longer. I wanted to see her. She does a lot of what I call micro choreography. Like it's just like a head flicks one way or like a wrist because she really doesn't do any movement. She's stuffed into a dress.

Was there like a whole dance team behind her doing actual moves? Yes. Sort of mimicking her tiny moves, but they're making it look real? They're doing the full scale moves and she's doing the micro. Exactly.

Like the Fantasia, like she's commanding these armies of four-eyed robots. If she goes like this, like with a wave of the fingers, like the other people are doing a full cartwheel. You know what I mean? Her dance team is like that big fight. That's how Sean dances.

Yeah, like that big robot in the Matrix. I just climb in and I make it do all the big work for me. Civic room, yeah. You must have to be some Saudi prince where you paid $3 million to get a full show out of her or something like that. Oh, yeah. And it was the Hollywood Bowl.

It was such a cool venue. She brought her twins out at the end. Wow. They were five or six years old. It was such a cool venue. She brought her twins out at the end. Wow. They were five or six years old. This was last summer. She brought them out, and she goes, say hi to everybody. There's like 18,000 people in a dark cloud in front of them. That was so scary as a kid.

That's terrifying. God, you really hold on to that memory. No, the cannons ain't scared, dude. But now she's had that New Year's Eve. I mean, I don't actually want to say anything, because people might be picking other meltdowns of hers but

that was just to me her like inaugural meltdown and when we all started to know like oh there's a little bit of a screw loose because a lot of the divas

kind of keep it close or at least private and then the industry conspires to like keep it hidden too yeah she just was like no I'm laying it

all out there I'm glad you said that because I would that wasn't on my list but you're of course that's perfect but hidden too. Yeah. She just was like, no, I'm laying it all out there. I'm glad you said that because I would, that wasn't on my list, but you're, of course, that's perfect because it's just masked

as an episode of Cribs. As an episode of Cribs. It's a televised meltdown that she was having. It should have won an Emmy. And I bet you her people afterwards, like her people were probably like, did she seem like loopy and crazy?

Like, I don't know, it's MTV. Yeah, the kids won't even like really know. Like they're probably so blinded by how beautiful our home is, but our house is painted in all these really weird

mauves and old colors. Yeah, dude. It looks depressing in there. We noticed. Yeah. And now I do Coke. I mean, now I know people that do Coke. Yeah, Zach. Now Zach does Coke. I love it.

Alright, well, the excellent... Whoa, Zach. With Zach Cusk. Now Zach Cusk Cokes. I love it. All right. Well, the excellent pick. Whoa, whoa. Hey, whoa, hey, hey. Excellent pick. Hey. Ooh, ooh. Hey.

Ernie. Excellent pick, Ernie. Time for my first pick. And with my first pick, I'm going to take the reason we're all here. I know it's obvious as hell, but it's shaking me to my core. I have to take Kanye 2018. Yeah, dude, it's nuts, man. Kanye today. Kanye today, the ongoing

meltdown. Kanye today. Today. Yeah. Oh, fuck. My literal list says Kanye today in caps. Today, yeah. I didn't know about this. Although yesterday was his trump to eat. The last couple days have been a ramp up to today, right? Yes, everything's been building towards today, we hope. I hope today hasn't been building towards anything else.

For God's sake. I heard about this. Ian and Zach told me about this like two days ago. I didn't know anything about it the first day. I didn't see any of the tweets that he... So to catch everyone up, you need to be caught up. Kanye has hopped back on Twitter, and it's been a work in progress. First he said he loved the work of Candace

Owens who is a black woman and also a prominent far right free thinker. So odd. So odd. So odd. So that was a little bit like okay Kanye. You're getting a little nervous. I think I tweeted out like oh I'm prepared

to do some mental gymnastics if Kanye goes full MAGA. Because he's, as I've said on this podcast before, he's like my favorite artist. Yeah. Or was. I don't even know to think of him now. It's shaking people. It's really. It's truly shaking people. And then he's, like during that he's announcing all these albums. He's like, Pusha T's

album comes out this, you know, my album comes out this day. Me and Kid Cudi comes out this day. Me and Tiana Taylor comes out this day. later on he announces he's producing nasa's album then you wonder if like all these artists are like are they are they finding out all this shit too like shit he's that probably i don't know like if he's in the studio with pusha t yeah pusha t retweeted it so you'd feel like well that must be real right but it's push it but is he yeah agenda is what i'm saying that's what yeah oh yeah yeah He knows the album's coming out. Pusha T supported Hillary Clinton during the election.

Openly. So since then, today Kanye's tweeted a picture of him in a Make America Great Again hat with Lior... Who? Who are those two dudes? Lior Cohen and Lucian Grange. Lucian Grange is... They're two huge music industry muckety-mucks.

Lior Cohen's an Israeli muckety-mucks, big muckers, who Lior Cohen was part of Def Jam or some bigger label than that. He was early on in hip hop. Lucian Grange has just been a crazy music guy since way back. I think he's the head of Sony Music Group.

They're two of the most powerful people in music. And I guess they voted for Trump. Because I think Leroy Cohen's throwing up the A-OK weird white supremacist all right thing. Which is weird because Leroy Cohen is obviously very Jewish.

Right, but it's not that weird. My parents were Republican and voted for Trump and my dad were Jewish. There's a lot of that, but it was the far weird. Well, a lot of my parents were Republican and voted for Trump and my dad were Jewish. There's a lot of that, but it was the far right, like Pepe the frog ass thing. Yeah, yeah, that shit's weird. Because I was going to say, if you're an Israel voter, like that makes sense to me. That's a single issue for a lot of people. If you're an Israel and you're also a billionaire who doesn't want your money going to the government, I guess.

Of course you're going to be a Republican. Yeah. Fuck though. The Kanye stuff. I thought it was like all innocent at first because he was really just coming out with a bunch of tweets that were like,

don't doubt yourself. Your ideas are better than other people's. It was all very chicken soup for the deranged rapper's soul or whatever.

And I was like, okay, these are fine when he was first back on. And then it started just going right downhill into the swamp of white supremacy.

He'll tweet like, I love, tweet like, Donald Trump's my friend. I love him. We both have dragon power. Or dragon energy. That was one of those. Dragon energy, which is like- Very tiger's bloody. Yeah, yeah, which may come up later.

It was so tiger's bloody. Like pure mania. Yeah. Yeah. And then it'll be that, and then two seconds later, it'll be like, I'm awesome at ping pong. And then like two seconds later, it's like like here's my daughter with a ladybug and then two seconds later it's like uh you need to free your mind from the thought police kind of stuff he

tweeted videos of the scott adams who's the guy who created dilbert yeah talking about how kanye's opening up a new golden age it's fucking nuts And then you couple this with something he told that Ebro guy who interviewed him recently about how like he, Kanye's like bipolar and was addicted to opiates. And like now he's like finally not on the opiates anymore. And he's like, I'm, I'm the clear headspace than ever. But the whole thing looks like a fucking,

like somebody who's in serious mental trouble yeah like a grand grand yeah condition and my friend was texting me today like my friends were texting me being like uh this is really troubling and they said um well first they were wondering how is kim gonna react because she's pretty pro hillary yeah and secondly chance the rapper is backing him up. Oh, I saw that. Chance was like, black people don't have to be Democrats. I mean, it's true. Yeah, well, of course it's true. Republicans don't care about you,

so you're either a Democrat or you're an independent, I guess. And also, Trump isn't like your... I don't know what the expectation is with him, what he's going to bring. He built his empire on hate and promising the forgotten man that he would be remembered again. And his response is so he goes, thanks, Kanye.

Very cool. Very cool. Such a loser. Fucking moron. Very cool. Very cool, Kanye. Yeah. Like he's John Travolta or something.

Very cool. I don't know what to do with anything now. I'm fucked up. I'm like, most of my favorite songs are like Kanye songs. Some of my favorite memories are going to see him in concert. Can you separate the artist from the art? Not yet. Like, can you watch the Roseanne?

I can't. No, I can't watch Roseanne. Can you listen to Michael Jackson's music? I mean, can you watch Woody Allen movies? Yes, I can. I've been able to do Woody Allen and Michael Jackson's music. I mean, can you watch Woody Allen movies? Yes, I can. I've been able to do Woody Allen and Michael Jackson because I don't,

apparently don't have a problem with child molesters. Allegedly. I just, I think, I'm not saying I have the answer. I'm just saying it's like, I think this Kanye stuff

is all part of it. Like that conversation. I've never, you know what the honest, I don't know what it is. I never, like I've watched his movies and listened to them.

I never rocked with Michael Jackson in a super serious way or with Woody Allen. I've passively enjoyed their stuff. With Kanye, it was such an active enjoyment. Yeah. And then to see him,

not only, and what's fucked me up is it's not only such a lame, just like on the morality of it, of supporting someone like Donald Trump, like the morality of that sucks. The other thing is

how fucking whack it is. Yeah. Because I to kanye's music to and to feel like a superhero you know what i mean or to feel like or even an anti-hero whatever it is just to feel powerful and good and like it gets me hype and stuff like that and now i listen to it and i think of him getting all stoked about the dilbert guy and i'm just like, oh man. This is like, yeah, I imagine it's like Upton Sinclair

trying to eat a sausage, you know? Yeah. Doesn't get you in the right head space anymore. Not at all. It hasn't yet. Like when I listen to it,

I'm just like, this fucking clown. When you listen to Can't Tell Me Nothing, you're like, I really wish I could though. Yeah, I can tell you a couple things.

I can tell you a couple things. Well, that's the thing too. It's like he has, he has help at his disposal he has like resources but he's not taking it

it's really crazy well you wonder too I mean I'm only inferring on the situation but you wonder if people that I've known that have

struggled with where they have to take medication to kind of stay balanced is there becomes that point where they're like oh I feel good.

I'm good. I can be off. I'm good. I want to go off them. And I think I'm mentally strong. And like that can sometimes lead to, you know, bad shit. Yeah. I just, I don't know.

I imagine he's an easy person to like control. Right. Could you imagine like trying to be like, yeah, just listen to me. You got to take these. Yeah. Listen to me, Kanye. You have to take these. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen to me, Kanye. You have to take them. I'm Brad now.

We've never met. Brett Temptations or whatever. Before you go in the studio and try to change the world again, you got to take these pills now, you hear? I just don't know. I don't know what to do. And now he's Pusha T is my other favorite rapper. Yeah.

And now he's produced that album. So am I going to listen to that and be like, fucking fucking kanye well especially for it to happen in the rap community it's wild you know what i mean i get why everybody's getting his back i get why like chance has his back because he like helped make chance's career uh-huh so it's like it's kind of like watching you're like when your dad like you know makes a racist joke and you're like he's uh yeah he's hammered he's hammered I just feel like it's like muddying the waters too it's like

he's so influential that it's like is he gonna convince like other African American people that Donald Trump gives a shit about him cause that's not true although he lost

10 million Twitter followers today doing it did he really everyone was like peace dude 10 million yeah whoa

I have never seen a loss like that that's the other thing what if this is the thing that breaks that empire this is where it ends for him it might be Kanye's last stand it feels like we're just at the peak of everyone knowing about this stuff friend of the podcast not on mic and not in the studio

Nick Nanpay tweeted today Kanye of all people should know you don't chase away your bass. And that's like something he definitely, the people who we were like at that concert with, you know, who were like, you're not going to get in a fight because they don't want to fuck up their shoes. Right. Nobody there agrees with anything he's done. No. They're like, fuck, dude. Like.

Yeah. Because he was, I mean, had conscious lyrics in all of his albums. So it's like this kind of betrayal when you're listening to some of these songs. And when you're like, well, now you're the thing that you were propping up to be against. You know, like, you've got the Hampton wife, you know? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Anyway, man, it's a bummer we'll see what happens it's ongoing by

the time this drops he'll you know he may be a fucking socialist we'll see he's an alien uh so for my second meltdown i'm going to take uh another gentleman already on round two we are yeah already on round two yeah we'll pick it up a little bit. I'm going to take Shia LaBeouf. Oh, that's on my list too. Thank you. That was a fun one. Shia LaBeouf, he had a weird long meltdown, which he seems to have come back from, which I like.

Because I always enjoyed Shia as an actor. Oh, yeah. Is he coming back? What's he doing? I think he was in that American Honey movie. Yeah, that was really great. I think he's in Borg McEnroe. Critically acclaimed.

Yeah, he's in a Borg McEnroe movie. Seems like he's getting better. My favorite part about that meltdown is the day's in a Borg-McEnroe. Critically acclaimed. Yeah, he's in a Borg-McEnroe movie. Seems like he's getting better. My favorite part about that meltdown is the day he had a New York by himself. He just went out and got fucked up all day in New York. Didn't he go to Caroline's or something? No, he went to a Broadway play. He went to Cabaret. Okay, that's what it was, yeah.

He went to Cabaret. He was smoking inside, talking, and then he smacked Alan Cumming on the butt. Yeah. Which is where you'd want to smack Alan Cumming. Yeah, I mean, Alan Cumming is very pro-kink and everything. I'm sure he was just like, I'm in the middle of a performance. Yeah, not now.

God, it just sounds like a bunch of rich person shit that he went and did for a day. It's also like people were like, look at his meltdown, and it was like he's just wearing a purple leotard running in the city, and you're like, I don't know. He seems like he's being wearing like a purple leotard running in the city and you're like i don't know he seems like he's like con or like some other film festival with that like i'm not famous bag over his head which it's hard to say if that was part of the

meltdown because he was also working with these french performance artists or something like that but that also seems like it might be part of a meltdown just in general yeah the choice he got caught he like was plagiarizing all the shit in the middle of it weird like drug-fueled man maybe drug-fueled quote-unquote i have no idea don't sue us uh manic spree like kind of thing uh where he like ripped off daniel clothes oh yeah you know stuff from his like graphic novels and stuff like that and then ripped off the apology from like a yahoo answers thing and then ripped off another daniel like a Yahoo Answers thing and then ripped off another Daniel Close thing. Let me just Google an apology real quick.

It's like not knowing that people can do word for word Google searches. Yeah. It's so crazy. Especially if you've already done it. They're like, let's just make sure. Come on. Yeah. Yeah.

Yahoo Answers. This isn't even like from a 17 magazine. Right. Like, how do I apologize? What the fuck are you doing? That's when I found out Yahoo Answers was a website. Yeah. Yahoo Answers. Oh my God.

That'd be such a weird moment to walk in on a friend and they're on Wikihow and it's like, how to apologize? Yeah. And you're like, oh. Yeah. I'm gonna leave out. He did the one man show. Was that part of the meltdown?

I think so. I think it was part of the extended meltdown. Where he put out all these things and he let people whip him. They could do anything they wanted to him. And then he said that a woman raped him yeah he's so buck even though like then later people that worked at the theater were like no he told us that she got a little bit too close with him and we kicked her out like we would have everyone was watching we would have seen yeah like that happened he like well yeah there were people like observing the thing yeah because you could just sit there and watch him

get beat which i actually think i would really enjoy oh yeah watching it gets back around a little bit well he like and then a lot of those movies that he was in like all most of the cast members hated him because he was just way too intense yeah did he had a real scar on his face from fury put a real scar on his face did he rip a tooth out too or that half-killed mccoy movie pulled out a fucking tooth with no novocaine oh yeah this is all off the internet but ripped out a tooth i because he won't because he wants to be in the fucking character well the thing too is like a lot of his characters and well i don't know if they were how much it was written in but a lot of the characters that he portrays do it makes sense for them to be like kind of crazy you know what i mean like so sure but like when i'm watching

a movie i'm not like i wonder if this guy really ripped out a tooth yeah yeah but is that did he really rip it out or did they just have their remote dna lewis isn't even doing that well like it adds folklore i mean raging bull there's like that scene where joe pesci is punching robert de niro with rings on and that's all real robert de niro's getting hit in the because you can see the cuts and it's like stuff like that i'm like that's all real. Really? Robert De Niro's getting hit in the, because you can see the cuts. That is nuts. And it's like stuff like that, I'm like, that's crazy. I wouldn't want to be either one of those people,

but to watch it, you're kind of like, damn, you're giving it all. Wow. I hope we get Shia back. I hope he's slow. I think we will. I hope he figures it out. I gotta confess, you guys,

I've seen Shia LaBeouf in one movie. Oh, yeah. And it's called Disturbia. Yeah, Disturbia. It's the only Shia LaBeouf movie I've seen. Him and Sarah Romer in Carrie Ann Moss, I think. Yeah, I'm not against him,

I just haven't seen a lot of his shit, I guess. I just think he's an interesting dude whose meltdown was mostly harmless. Yeah. Where I'm like, I'd like to see him figure it out. I do think though he is synonymous with douche. When you now think of a Hollywood douchebag, I think a lot of people are like Shia LaBeouf.

He did that other thing where he was in a movie theater and they were just showing his movies and you could come and watch them with him. Oh yeah, he sat there and watched it. Yeah. He sat there with a hood on. And then there was like a live stream so you could just watch his face

while he was watching himself on screen. Yeah, and he would cry. Yeah. And like laugh sometimes. So odd. At probably not the right moment. No. That's where I almost punched George Clooney.

Thought provoking. Karen, it's time for your second pick. Okay, okay. I'm going to go with Anne Heche. Yeah. I thought about that one. I'm trying to do ones that aren't like, you know,

I was trying to do ones that aren't like top 10 celebrity meltdowns. Right, right, right. So Anne Heche, for people that aren't like, you know, I was trying to do ones that aren't like top 10 celebrity meltdowns. Right, right, right. Like, so Anne Heche, for people that don't know who she is, because she's still working, but I think she's not a full, like, as in the consciousness as she was maybe 20 years ago, was Ellen DeGeneres' first girlfriend, first public girlfriend, I feel like, for a long time. They were together. And when they broke up she kind of you know melted down a little bit yeah yeah and um she was um found wandering around fresno that's where all the meltdowns go yeah that's where meltdowns go to die. She was knocking on the homes of strangers.

And when the cops came to take her home, she proclaimed that she was God and would carry everyone to heaven in her spaceship. Woo! And- Hell yeah. She talked about all this in her- I don't feel bad talking about this

because in 2001, she wrote a book called Call Me Crazy. Yeah. And she admitted to this whole meltdown. Well, it's not like these are personal secrets you're revealing. You know where she'd go on that spaceship? To Outer Hish. Wow.

Yeah. I didn't know how much wordplay was on this podcast. Oh, it's mostly wordplay. It's so much wordplay. Everybody listens. And apparently the Fresno meltdown stemmed from a combination of ecstasy and an abusive childhood that led her to create a fourth dimensional alter ego named Celestia. Sure.

Who would your fourth dimensional alter ego be called? What would you guys name your fourth dimensional alter ego? Tony Impact. Same as my boy band name. What is it? Tony Impact. Zoygot. What is it?

Zoygot. Zoygot? I feel like you got to go weird i'm lorenzo birthday cake this is my fourth dimensional lorenzo birthday birthday cake yeah i ride a bear the bear's name is also lorenzo birthday cake what's yours cara oh my god every time i think of something it's just a rupaul's Drag Race Queen's name I'm like Aquaria No It could be Carcana

Oh What Carcana That was my high school nickname But I think that's my Fourth dimensional celestial name I love that That's a fucking rad name

Carcana And I feel bad about An abusive childhood But also We didn't know what ecstasy Was gonna do back in the day I mean ecstasy's Molly now Yeah but Molly's cleaner I I think, is the pitch.

I don't want to reveal my age, but I had just did Molly the first time like a month ago or so for the first time since it was called Ecstasy. I was like, I think I love it. I mean, when I did it when it was Ecstasy, it was wonderful. Better, right? Molly, yeah. It was great, yeah. I had a very similar experience I mean, when I did it when it was ecstasy, it was wonderful. Better, right? Molly, yeah. It was great, yeah. I had a very similar experience both times, all times. I've only done it the once.

I did Molly the once and danced for a couple hours, and then I was just like super hot for like six hours. That'll do it. When I just did it the last time, I literally stood in one place stroking my hair for three hours. That sounds fun. It was so soft. I just got so pumped.

That sounds fun. Zach, you can go for that. I've only done it once, and it was great until I got violently sick. It was great until it wasn't. I barf every time I do it, but just real quick. Oh, see, I... No, it was at the end of the night, like, where I was coming down off of it,

and it was like... Yeah, I was... Did you drink a lot while you were sick? No, no, not at all. It could have been, like, food poisoning or something, but, man, it did not. Maybe whatever you ate didn't react with it well

because every time I do it, the second I start rolling, I barf real quick just like, and then I'm done. And then I'm ready to rock. There's an enemy

of the podcast, Mike Malloy. And a big enemy. He threw up on a Buddha statue. Wow, that's terrible. I saw Mike Malloy the day that I did it. He was at the thing

that I did when I did it. They say he appears if you do Molly. Yeah. If you say Mike Malloy three times. Hey, the kid's doing it. So that's my Anne Heche one. It's like a, it was just kind of weird, all the alter ego stuff.

I feel like Ellen DeGeneres is probably hard to break up with. You get pretty comfortable living the life with Ellen DeGene. I remember there being a press conference with Anne Heche, and she was like, yeah, yeah, for sure. There are aliens, and I'm a being. She sounded of rational mind. Didn't she have a weird Doug Loves Movies? Yeah, she got booted off. Her and I think some director.

Werner Herzog? No. It wasn't? No, I always say that. Wait, was that recently? Doug was like, no, no, no, Some director. Werner Herzog? No. It wasn't, no. I always say that. Wait, was that recently? Doug was like, no, no, no, no. Not Werner Herzog.

Wait, what do you have to do to get booted off of Doug Love's movies? Like a year, a lot. Because he's pretty tolerant, right? I have been like damn near blackout drunk on that show and he's still like, oh, it was great. Like, you got to really fuck it up.

And it was at the Traverse City Film Festival, I think a couple years ago. And it was... Oh Traverse City Film Festival, I think, a couple years ago. And it was, I guess it was insane. Oh, because I thought she was okay now. Maybe not. I don't think she's crazy, but I think it was mostly the director, and she had his back.

Zach, it's time for your second pick. Okay, second pick. I'm gonna go Howard Hughes. Oh, wow. There you go. The way back machine. This is kind of a lifelong slide, if you will. Yeah, but he's like the ultimate meltdown.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. So he inherited like a ton of money from his parents. I think it was like Texas oil business. And the first thing he did was like he became a director and he won like best director for all these movies in like the 20s and one of the his like big master or like his big movie that he was doing it cost him like four million dollars which this was in the 20s which is crazy and it took him like years to make because he made it and there wasn't sound in movies and then sound happened while he was making it so he had to reshoot everything shit and it took it was all airplane battles and he like needed clouds for

to tell like depth and so the movie it took so long because there's never clouds in california so anyway he spent a ton of a lot of his money doing that and in the course of making that film got really into like airplanes yeah and like making them very stealth faster like building their speed then he had this so he was he could fly obviously and he crashed in culver city and almost died because of like in a in a neighborhood yeah yeah like crashed into someone's house that's what i'm scared of that happening all the time got pulled out like i mean like very very near death yeah basically, his mom was kind of OCD. And so he had those kind of latent. But once he kind of had that plane crash and he was holed up in his house, he just became this hermit.

Yeah. And he would never leave. Yeah. And he only ate milk and cookies for years. Weird. He would piss in jars because he wouldn't leave there was just he lived in this movie studio during this time he's running like an airplane company and redesigning like he was trying to build this plane for world war ii like the hercules

which was like like where you could put tanks on the plane basically instead of using air carriers but he couldn't get it finished in time and uh simultaneously was trying to break up twa this other this plane company he hated yeah and was trying because they were trying to get a monopoly so then he got called so he was a hermit i mean at this point he's like everyone's like this dude's fucking crazy and then he gets called into congress to testify because they're calling him a war profiteer like he took all this government money to make this Hercules that never, that never happened. And so, and they fully called him thinking like, he's never going to leave his house

because like, he's crazy. But he like got there, was like full on crazy, but had studied enough that he went in there and like gave them the what for so to speak like demolish them you can watch it on youtube wow where he's just like it's the perfect like it's in the movie the aviator too but he's just like firing back at the senator who was in twa's pocket that's why he was going at him oh shit and so basically i mean after all that he just basically retired to his Xanadu and just was, was never for like, was never photographed for like the last 30 years of his life and just lived in total secrecy.

But meltdown. I mean like he would repeat stuff, like he'd be like, got to get the pay. Like he would just keep repeating stuff. He would like wash his hands all the time. Big germaphobe. But he would also never shower.

He would grow it. His fingernails were like multiple feet long by the end of his... Just full on, whoa. Yeah. And it's so fascinating. Wait, have you ever heard the story about the guy who says that he found Howard Hughes on the side of the road

in the desert? No. I heard it on a podcast. I just looked it up. It's this guy who claims that he found Howard Hughes on the side of the road like fucked up like like bloody and all messed up and he gave him a ride to Vegas and that he says that he learned at the very end of the encounter that it was Howard Hughes and then somehow he's he said that Howard Hughes left him a bunch of money and he went to court in you in like Utah over it or in Nevada over it.

It's basically the story of a Jonathan Demme movie called Melvin and Howard from 1980. It's about this guy finding Howard Hughes on the side of the road. I'm going to watch that movie. I think it was when he was in his hermit phase. Yeah, because that's where he retired to.

It was Vegas Yeah It seemed like a big portion Of his life Was that hermit face Yeah yeah yeah Yeah for sure I think it's mostly

It's an 80% hermit face Oh yeah And it's like man And I recommend I'm playing crashes Well crazy I didn't know that Amazing pick

Amazing story Yeah Sean it is time For your second And third picks As it is That was way bucker Serpentine draft

That was way bucker Than what I'm going to pick. I'm going to pick Mike Tyson biting off. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was like, I didn't, like, you always kind of saw it coming with old Iron Mike, but you didn't. You're like, he's just kind of like that. Yeah, it was like when, I think people, athletes were more protected then, too.

You know, like, same with Michael Jeffrey. You know, he was also a little bit protected. like uh you're like he's a monster he's terrifying i want to eat your children and things you're like whoa yeah iron mike yeah there's a video game that your kids play but i know he's gonna be up there yeah and then doing it for real when he just bit i remember that i want to say twice he it. It was so buck because we're, I want to say we're watching the fight. I want to say that I was like watching pay-per-view and saw it happen. We're like, no fucking way he did that. Like absolutely no way he bit his ear off.

He bit Evander Holyfield's ear off. That is so buck to me. Fucking gnarly thing to do. You're already punching him. That's not enough for you. That's like walking dead shit. You just bite a part of someone off. That was the topic of conversation for months.

Yeah, dude. I wish I would have done stand-up at that point. How many open mic comics are like, Mike Tyson over here, you know? Is the mic on? Can you hear me? Oh, look at you with that panini. It's like Mike Tyson down here.

Mike Tyson? Boy, you're really getting those nachos, Mike. Tyson, you get it? Hot crowd. I'll tell you who's the real Mike Tyson. Is that McGruff the crime guy? Did he have a face tattoo when he did that? I think that was later.

That was part of the pre-face tattoo. That was part of the rebirth when he started talking to pigeons? No, pigeons was early. Talking to pigeons was early Mike Tyson. Might be throughout, right? It's always. He's already a pigeon early on. I guess I'm talking about right? Well, it's always. Yeah, right. But from early on.

I guess I'm talking about the documentary where they talked about it. Oh, yeah. When I first discovered the pigeon. He's been on so many reclamation projects. You know what I mean? And a cartoon. Most of them are that. That cartoon is hilarious.

Is it? Yes. Is it his voice? Yeah, it's him and Norm MacDonald. It's Mike Tyson. Is it the Mystery Machine? Mystery Squad or something? Something like that. But it's very... like Norm MacDonald. It's Mike Tyson. Is it the Mystery Machine? Mystery Squad or something? Something like that.

But it's very, it's fucking funny. They're like detectives. Norm MacDonald plays like a dead pigeon maybe? Yeah. Is that what he plays? He's done quite a bit of melting down Mike Tyson. Yeah. Just in general.

The face tattoo is a huge part of it. I mean, that's even part of this extended meltdown. Oh, yeah. The ear to the face tattoo are kind of what I was thinking. But like the way that, you know, certain words words he said but like when he used to talk that rant he had on those reporters oh i'm gonna fuck you till you love me yeah or i'm gonna eat your kid i'm gonna eat you i'm gonna eat your children praise be to allah what did he say he said um yeah what did god what did he say is i'm the i'm the greatest um i know look it up he said like i'm the greatest there's something i'm missing where it's like he was trying to be muhammad ali with what he was saying oh but he wasn't i'm it's

like indefensible but it wasn't that right i'm impregnable oh my my style is impetuous my defense is impregnable like i can't get your defense pregnant that's like a really good impression What an impression. Yeah, dude. He just, that was a gnarly one. Yeah. Old Iron Mike. And, you know, to this day, I've never beat Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Really? Never beat it as a kid. I loved that game.

I liked it, but I always, I got to like three in and I just could never beat it. Everybody else beat it. I think we beat it in my house. I'm sorry. I had friends that beat it. I had friends that could beat it like in the arcade with like on a quarter. I guys probably all beat it. I think we beat it in my house. No? I had friends that beat it. I had friends that could beat it in the arcade on a quarter. I'm like, holy shit. I can't beat it at your house where we have an NES, Nintendo Entertainment System.

16-bit. Don't worry about it. Oh, here it is. Power pad. Power glove. The whole quote. I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal and vicious and most ruthless champion there ever has been.

There's no one can stop me. Lennox is the conqueror. No, I'm Alexander. He's no Alexander. I'm the best ever. There's never been anybody that's ruthless. I'm Sonny Liston. I'm Jack Dempsey.

There's no one like me. I'm from their cloth. There's no one that can match me. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah.

Dude, it was nice of Mike Tyson to stop by and do that. Oh, my God. He swung by. He actually has his own. I didn't know you guys could get such celebrity guests on the podcast. It's weird that he left so quick. Yeah, he's cool. Mike Tyson, friend of the pod.

Friend of the pod. The opposite of Mike Malloy. You know, we got two Mikes. One's a friend, one's an enemy. Enemy of the pod. And your third pick? My third pick is going to be, so I don't know if this is tricky or not, it's going to be O.J. Simpson having a meltdown.

Oh. I mean, it's pretty, I don't, see, it's, I feel bad. Well, the one where he, you know. The car chase? You think the Bronco chase is a meltdown? I mean, it's not what I was,

I mean, I was picking. You mean murdering his wife and then going on a Bronco chase. I said it was my property. The later one seems like more of a meltdown. This one, kind of a murder. Well, you know, I know, but like that's what I was struggling with in the car. So one seems like more of a meltdown. This one kind of a murder. Well, you know, I know, but like that's what I was struggling with in the car. So it was post-murder meltdown?

I'm saying the murder is the meltdown. Like that's a, it's the harshest, most buckest meltdown, but it's still a meltdown. I'll allow it. Yeah. I mean, am I getting some disagreements here? No. I mean, not necessarily. It's not what I think of when I think of a meltdown.

Me either. I was kind of trying to go outside the box. This one, honestly, David inspired this one. And it was going to be my... I saw David try to kill some people one night. You break the story. I was just thinking David probably picked this and immediately

fan out like, oh, sorry, what? What are we going to say? I just pictured David picking it. He definitely melted down after. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Kind of the whole thing. Up until recently when he got out and kind of melted down again. I acted like he didn't steal that stuff.

That shit was so crazy. There's that great documentary about it, 30 for 30, about that day when it happens. Yes, everybody tells me about that 30 for 30. I've got to watch it. I, of course, have watched the People versus O.J. Simpson. Amazing.

That's so good. That was so good. But tell me what he's done since he got out of jail because I haven't actually heard about that. Oh, like just when he got, like when he was,

his parole hearing, he was like mouthing off and I don't want to step, Deuces and Mero did it on their TV show and it was very funny, but he was just like mouthing off to the people

at the parole hearing. Like kind of fighting because he was in there because he like. He stole back all that memorabilia that he said was his or whatever. And took pasta. He was kidnapped. Yeah. And then pretty much admitted it.

And then he's having his hearing and they're like, so you admit that you stole any liens? And he goes, sir, I could, you could, something like you can't steal your own property. And she was like, dude, like I'm now in an aggressive stance. Yeah. It was just nuts. It was my property. They're sat up like, I'm now in an aggressive stance. Yeah. It was just nuts. It was my property. They're letting you out, dude. Just kind of nod and be like,

yeah. Smile and nod and move on. When he passes away and they study his brain, the NFL is going to be even more important. Oh, yeah, dude. 100%. I'm not laughing.

100%. I'm just laughing at the cadence. The cadence of the way he said that. When that happens. Yeah. Cuando? Cuando? Cuando?

Yeah, OJ, and I didn't, I feel, I didn't want to bring it down. But to me, that was just like the gnarly meltdown. Ando enjado, juego. Hugo. It was certainly a huge, if you're calling a meltdown like a fall from grace, it certainly was too, because he was so like revered right oh yeah people loved him so you know what little fun fact it's one of the do you have any facts that you don't know how you know them so i guess they're not facts but anything that you know

from snapple caps like how do i know this but here's something that i know i don't even know if you can prove it online i've never actually tried to look it up but the most pizzas ordered for uh delivery in a single day was the oj chase oh yeah so that's oh yeah i think that's kind of common knowledge but i've never looked the june 17th 94 94 documentary that's a very uh it's a very interesting excellent excellent pick on account of the fact we bit such a huge chunk out of that apple early i'm gonna move us to Zach's third pick now Okay, third pick I'm gonna go Pete Webber at the 69th US Open Tournament

Wait, you're a huge tennis person? Well, this is a bowler Do you not know this? This is crazy Wait, this is vaguely familiar This is a how do I know about this You'll know, I bet The famous quote from this one is,

who do you think you are? I am. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Who do you think you are? I am. Who do you think you are? I am. Who do you think you are?

I am. I've watched that. That was like on E-Bombs World or something. I've watched that clip like 90 times. Oh my God. It's so amazing. It seems like a lunatic until you hear the backstory. It makes a little more sense.

Oh, okay, go, go. So they did like a 30atic until you hear the backstory. It makes a little more sense. Oh, okay. Go, go. So they did like a 30 for 30 short on it. But it was like his dad was a really, you know, like a crazy professional bowler. So he was the son of that guy. Lots to live up to. Lots to live up to. His dad was like Mr. Clean Cut, kind of like just, you know, like a bowler, basically.

And Pete Webber was like, i'm a rock star bowler whatever that meant you know just like but he would swear and shit like that so he was a little different than his dad but his dad always supported him his uh and his dad held the record for like most u.s open titles or something or most bowling majors and his dad passed away at a you know at a good an older age or whatever and And so that was seven years before. And so seven years later at this US Open, he was going to break his dad's record. And so that's why he was so...

So amped. Yeah, he was so amped. Also, he's obviously the bad boy of bowling, right? So he's got to live up to that. And he never thought he was washed out of the game for a while too yeah so this was like he came in i think the lowest seed of that tournament and just fucking turned it on like so he so what actually happened was he hit a strike to win to win and then he needed that strike you are i am he was down nine pins it's the strike to yeah to break to, yeah, to break, to win the record,

but to break his dad and like get that off of his back and just be like, I did it. Like his dad wanted him to do it, you know, like they had a really good relationship. So it's like this kind of meltdown, but a good meltdown. Yeah, that's a happy meltdown. We've all had that moment. Sorry, who do you think you are?

I am. Yeah, shit. And sometimes you need that. I'm looking for more moments like that in my life, to be honest. Get that email from Conan, just say it to no one. Who do you think you are I am? Yeah. Shit. And sometimes you need that. I'm looking for more moments like that in my life to be honest. Get that email from Conan. Just say it to no one. Who do you think you are I am?

Yeah, yeah. He used to do the wrestling move, the D-Generation X, where he would hip thrust and give you a suck it. As a bowler, that's crazy. I thought this was Stone Cold, Steve Austin. No.

Is it Suck It, Stone Cold, Steve Austin? I don't know anything about wrestling. Oh, me neither. It was like Triple neither but I always thought suck it that's cause everybody says it they go suck it

when they do the X thing yeah I know what you're saying alright thank you and he was saying it to an audience member who was like talking shit to him

during that tournament that's who he said it was it wasn't to like anyone it was like to that guy who was like who do you think you are I am

such a good quote it's so good who do you think you are? I am. You don't talk shit. Such a good quote. It's so good. Who do you think you are? Anything you think you are, it's me. I'm going to start doing that after a set. Just point to the audience. At the very end. Who do you think you are?

I am. I've been Zach Toscani. Thank you guys so much for coming out today. Please come out tomorrow. I'm going for your host. Yep. I am your host. Let's keep it going for Kara's third pick.

Okay. My third pick. My third pick. I want to go with Winona Ryder. Yeah. A little shoplifting. Shoplifting. A little stealing.

A little shop of shoplifting. You've got to feel alive. You're not in the public eye. You've got to feel alive a little bit. You know? I'm very into Winona Ryder. Yeah. I think she's so crazy in interviews.

She's awesome. She seems like she's been living in a basement, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like where she gets like an hour of fresh every day, but like not really, like there's not a lot of interaction with other people. Even now, like her, I'm so excited about her Stranger Things, like comeback and everything. excited about her Stranger Things like comeback and everything um but have you guys seen there is a commercial for this like you know grocery store shampoo that's like a L'Oreal Elveve or something or Revive or something like that and like they do this whole long commercial where

you see the back of a woman and she's in like a black tie gown she like you see the back of her hair and they're like everybody loves a comeback and then Winona Ryder just goes out on stage to accept an award. And you're like, jeez, the way they must have pitched that to her people was like, listen, we need somebody who's come back from the fucking bottom to illustrate. And it was for shampoo.

It was basically like, your hair can come back from being garbage. But they needed Winona Ryder to be their person. Doesn't always have to suck. Oh my God, I used to be your garbage hair, but now I'm Winona again. Look, my hair used to fucking steal shit from CVS, and now my hair is at the Emmys.

That's the thing, it's such a victimless crime. You know what I mean? It seems so low stakes where you're like, just let it go. The shoplifting, did she do anything else happen to her? I know she shaved her head. Shaved her head. Yeah.

When people say that, I'm like, I don't know, she looks amazing. Smoking in the courtroom or something. I mean, I think anyone that dates Johnny Depp is going to have some residual mental problems. Very true. You know? My older sister shaved her head when she was a freshman in college because she was tired of men telling her she was hot. So she was like, right on.

I had a friend who considered getting rid of her breasts. Really? Because she was like, I feel like they are drawing too much attention and I want to she was hot. So she was like right on. I had a friend who considered getting rid of her breasts. Really? Because she was like, I feel like they are drawing too much attention and I want to get them removed. Winona. That's a little bit more of a heavy. It's a little more. My sister now has long hair again. It just sounds like a similar.

I just turtled up. I don't know what to do. I'm over here. I don't know. Oh, yeah. I'm like. Hands off. No, no.

Get your hands off my boobs. Yeah, I like that. That was definitely off my boobs. Yeah, I like that. That was definitely on my list. Yeah, so Winona, I just, but it's a happy one because she's back and she's given these interviews where she looks mildly like a deer in headlights. You know, she's very zany. She always does look like a deer, yeah. She's always like, it's like she's worried that the host is going to make fun of her

and I'm like, oh, sweetheart, Letterman's gone. Yeah. Like, no one's going to be mean to you and I'm like oh sweetheart Letterman's gone like no one's going to be mean to you anymore like everybody's nice they're all nice they're all loving Stranger Things it's like literally

an untouchable show I feel like wasn't it the end like there's that meme of her because they were like accepting a war for Stranger Things

and her she just keeps making crazy faces oh and her face was insane I would say that's an extended part of Melt meltdown.

Like every Aftershocks. Yeah, even though she's back, that was definitely shades of a former meltdown. Yeah. Yes, she was making all these weird faces as if she couldn't understand what the director of the show was saying in his speech. Just thinking names, and she's like,

who, huh, that guy? Yeah, and she was just like, going from happy to confused to bemused. It was a lot. It was a lot. Showing range. Yeah, she she was just like going from happy to confused to bemused. It was a lot. It was a lot. Showing range. Yeah, she really was. I think she was like auditioning for her next thing.

She was like, look, guys, I can do a lot. She's amazing. She's been killing it for- I love Winona Ryder. I mean, when she was a kid, I mean, Lydia Dietz, please. There's so many things she did when she was younger that I wasn't so good. That movie is so good on so many, Beetlejuice, so good on so many different levels. She's, that whole, the whole movie is so good on so many Beetlejuice so good on so many different levels she's that whole

the whole thing is so good one of the first movies I remember being like I like funny movies yeah that's this is funny to me

it took when I was a kid I didn't know that was her in Edward Scissorhands cause of like how drastically blonde hair almost oh yeah

cause of the blonde hair blonde hair she got pale and like she played differently completely differently totally like she was like oh I'm the prom queen she was like bizarro played differently completely differently totally like she was like

oh I'm the prom queen she was like Bizarro not Bizarro but like opposite devil angel of Lydia Deeds I would say in that movie for sure and she comes back

in Mr. Deeds and you're like you gotta come back somewhere you win some you lose some how about a welcome home Roxy Carmichael

Adam Sandler extending his helpful hand yeah hey I make billions of dollars uh winona rider's meltdown excellent welcome back winona rider uh in time for my third pick i'm going to take the i'm going to take the charlie sheen one okay yeah yeah it was fucking wild yeah i remember i started working at chelsea lately on the tail end of the Charlie Sheen meltdown, and it was every day. Every day in the writer's room, it was like, well, what's he been up to?

He's got tiger blood thing. He started talking about this drug that he could do that would kill anyone else, but he could handle it. Right. His two live-in girlfriends. Yeah, those two weird live-in girlfriends. And he admitted that he was HIV positive, but he'd beaten it or something. He had handle it. Right. His two like live-in girlfriends. Yeah, those two weird live-in girlfriends. And he admitted that he was HIV positive but he'd like beaten it or something. But he had beaten it.

Yeah. Later on. You beat it. Yeah. Imagine if you were one of his suitors at hearing that for the first time. You're like, what? No, you didn't fucking beat it.

You didn't. I'm sure I haven't now. Charlie Sheen doesn't have HIV. Charlie Estevez. He called himself like a fucking warlock and then got into this weird feud with the executive producer of Two and a Half Men. Chuck Lorre.

Chuck Lorre, which like... He got booted, right? Well, I think that's what spawned the meltdown, right? The Tiger Blood stuff was all because he got booted from Two and a Half Men. It was when he was feuding with Chuck Lorre. Like wasn't reporting to work, right? Yeah, yeah.

And then he eventually got booted, I think like right at the beginning of it. And I think maybe it did spin him out of control more. From that god awful show. They killed him off in like the last episode. They dropped a piano on him. That's what they did. Yeah, they had some kind of bowling shirt show.

But then he had some crazy holding deal with like Chuck Lorre's company and he had to do a hundred episodes of that show Anger Management on FX with Selma Blair that no one's ever seen I feel like I tried to watch an episode just because it was like

I was passing by and I was like let's watch this oh man super bad just real bad unwatchable and it's one of those stories

where you don't want to poke around too much in his whole right you know story because it gets real dark it's real Hollywood dark

but like the meltdown part of it I remember being unaware of all that and being like an innocent bystander of it but just being like

this guy's fucking crazy like the fucking you know god what's his name in Major League oh yeah Rick Vaughn

Ricky Vaughn yeah dude it's one of my favorite characters of all time just watching Ricky Vaughn that's the thing he was like he was awesome in that

yeah I used to think he was so hot back then too Ferris Bueller's Day Off he was the shit oh my god oh dude that guy

did some coke just a little cameo oh like in Ferris Bueller's Day Off he was like ultimate bad boy but then when he like got when he was like 45 or 50 being like

I'm still a bad boy I was like no one's like wearing bowler shirts you're like dog yeah dude yeah like he was like no one's wearing bowler shirts you're like dog yeah dude he was like the Guy Fieri collection all times but he also

he spawns that winning shit that I hate people still people with terrible senses of humor still say that like people that you're like you know sort of vaguely from high school or like a cousin will be like,

hashtag winning. Oh, they'll definitely do that on like a thing they're tweeting about Trump in a positive way. Yeah. It's like they didn't get that it was ironic.

That's why it caught on because it was like, oh, this guy's clearly not winning. And he's bonkers. It's like the mission accomplished George Bush thing. You're like, well, people don't say that

because they thought it was true. Right. It's because it was so outlandish. I mean, Donald Trump is three tweets away from writing hashtag winning. For sure. I'm sure he's going to bring that back. He thinks it's too recent.

I know that the liberal media is going to attack me for this, but I just think it's such a great term. Very cool. Like he did with Mission Accomplished. Very cool. Brought a fucking dipshit. All right. Charlie Sheen, just a font of entertainment.

I'm going to take another one right now. I'm going to take Tom Cruise. Damn it. That was my next fucking pick. Yeah. Damn it. You should have picked your fucking likeness. The Oprah?

Earlier, jumping up and down on the Oprah couch. Yeah, dude. That whole weird Katie Holmes era. Yes. It's this shit because he was having a I'm happy meltdown. That's what I liked about it. Yeah. I don't think he was having a i'm happy meltdown that's what i liked about it yeah i don't think he was really happy though i think he was like he later said he was trying to like i wanted people to be excited and like be happy that i was happy so i started jumping up

and down but i think the whole time was just some sort of weird like malfunction in the calculation machine in his head yeah and they'll like make people like the calculation machine in his head. And to make people like the calculation machine. And then, so that shit was wild. I mean, we all saw him jumping on the couch. If not, you can look it up. I went on to work with him on a sketch for the Late Late Show. And he was totally, he's very intense. I've heard he's the raddest dude in the world.

He's very intense, but he was super rad. He was nice, forthcoming with everyone, eye contact. He stayed on set for an extra two hours. The other weird thing about him is he was wearing a suede button-up. What? A suede button-up, which I never even knew.

So he would, in between takes, they would just take his shirt off and blow-dry it, and he'd be standing there shirtless, cut still in his 50s, cut up, all cut up. I'd be shirtless, too. But you'd just be standing there going over notes on the script, 50s. Cut out. Yeah, good shredded. All cut out. I'd be shirtless too. But you'd just be standing there going over notes on the script. And then kind of like, so anyway, at this point, I think we're going to have you walk in.

And you slowly look over. And it's like, there it is. Shirtless Tom Cruise. Four feet to my left. Yeah. You know one thing you're never going to hear on this podcast? I thought you were going to say four feet tall. Tom, put your shirt back on.

Tom, no. Tom, keep your shirt off. Keep your shirt off, Tom. He also was not that short. I was just because of the feet tall. Tom, put your shirt back on. Tom, no. Tom, keep your shirt off. Keep your shirt off, Tom. He also was not that short. I was just because of the way people talk about him. He's like 5'8". Oh, okay. The way people talk about him, you expect him to come in a time cruise.

There's all these rumors that he wears lifts in his shoes and shit. He stands on Apple boxes. Now, if he does wear lifts, you know he wears the world's best lifts. But I didn't see lifts. I didn't notice a lift. Hydraulics. He wears the world's best lifts, but like, I didn't see lifts, I didn't notice a lift. Hydraulics. You know he wears the world's best lifts. Like Biff in Back to the Future 2. I've heard that he's really cool.

I've heard that he remembers everybody's name that he meets and stuff like that. That's really great. It's hard for me to black out all the Scientology stuff. The two things are crazy. The fact that he's just like the face of that. Did he ever say Sea Org to you? He whispered Sea Org into my ear.

He just said Sea. He had security guards with little, was he like, let me take you up the bridge? With the little Scientology triangles on their shirts,

but like, he couldn't have been cooler. Yeah. His people couldn't have been cooler. It was wild. Because you go into that expecting like,

it's going to be fun. I'm not going to be able to look at him and die. He's like the biggest movie star on the planet. Ever maybe, yeah. I mean, not ever, but like, I mean, it's going to be fun. I'm not going to be able to look at him and die. He's like the biggest movie star on the planet. Ian, ever maybe. Yeah. I mean, not ever. I mean, he's up there, dude.

Ian, I'm Tom Cruise. Meet my friend, David Miscavige. No, no, no, no. Oh my God. Maybe get out of here. No, I would like tell me more. Where's Shelly? Yes.

Yeah, where is she? Where is Shelly? Where is Shelly? Can I just tell a really quick anecdote? I was paying a ticket one time in L.A., like paying like a $25 court appearance fee or whatever for a traffic thing. And this woman in front of me was like, I'm a Scientologist, so we have our own set of laws and codes. She was basically trying to get out of paying the ticket and being like my religion I live in a different world and so none of this really applies to me

and I was like staring at everybody in line with me being like is anybody else getting this and like nobody else was paying attention and it was just so funny she was like trying to get out of the fee or whatever it was crazy anyway just a quick little quick side bit

alright tell me about your fourth pick here or whatever. It was crazy. Anyway, just a quick, little quick side bit. Get shots up. Good for her. Art, tell me your fourth pick, Kara. Okay, I feel as though as a bunch of stand-up comedians we cannot get out of here without talking about

Michael Richards. Oh, that's a good one. Pretty buck. I mean, that was so goddamn early. pretty dark meltdown,

but here's this thing. What venue was that? Laugh Factory in Phoenix, I think. Oh, I thought it was here. I think it was in Phoenix. I'm not sure. It was a dark meltdown, but here's this thing. What venue was that? Laugh Factory in Phoenix, I think. Oh, I thought it was here. I think it was in Phoenix. I'm not sure. It was a balcony, right?

I don't know. Yeah, it was definitely at the Laugh Factory. He was, I think whoever was filming was on the balcony. And that was before the days of everybody having their phone out. Yeah, yeah. So there was only a couple views, right? Yeah. having their phone out.

Yeah. So there was only like a couple views, right? Yeah. And he, I just think it's so crazy because he, I understand people talk during shows. I get angry as well. You would have, you could torture me in those words, like wouldn't come to my mind. You know what I mean?

Like I just, it was so, it was really hard for me to like get behind and I love him so much. It goes a lot deeper with like, that's what you thought, that was your first thing to goes a lot deeper with like, that's what you thought. That's, that was your first thing to say. And you're like,

that's on your mind. Yeah. That's what, yeah. Yeah. It was wild. It's like, what?

It wasn't, it was an LA. It wasn't LA. Jesus. Phoenix made sense to me for some reason. Those tapes would have never gotten released. Everyone would have been like, woo.

We're buying merch it was and then Seinfeld had to go on like late night with him and just be like oh and start the apology tour but like

what was his excuse I forgot yeah they didn't give a lot of time he was just saying like he was well he apologized he like went on

and apologized. Because wasn't he on Letterman with Jerry? Yeah. Didn't he do something like that where he, like, was like, I'm sorry, you know. And the thing that is fucking crazy... I thought that he had, like, a thing where he said, I was... They were yelling this to me, and so I responded. Doesn't matter.

Like, he tried to justify... Nothing does it. Like, nothing equals what you were saying. It's so weird, too, when someone like Michael Richards, who's, like, you, everything you think of, he's like wild and zany and blah, blah, blah. And it's so weird when they're like, I'd like to like, that's what he had to do. But it feels so weird when it's like, well, I've come on to David Letterman show to apologize. Like the screen just pans in on him and he's just talking to it. He never apologized to the people he did it to.

Jesus. He apologized on TV and he like called Al Sharpton and stuff like that. He said he tried to diffuse the heckling by going over the top. Right, right. That's what I was like. I knew there was some kind of,

he acted like that was a strategy. Like it was some kind of comedy thing we all do. He was like, I just picked the most outrageous thing I could possibly say. And I'm like, for me, that would be like, I just shot my pants or something like that I would never be like

I mean that's actually Zach's catchphrase so it's weird that you think that's how it is I apologize but he says it all calm like that nobody knows it's a catchphrase after a LaCroix so I shit my pants

how I just peed clean uh yeah michael richards fucking nuts a nuts malt town and that i don't know that he's recovered from yeah that's very true to be honest he's kind of a guy too it's like that thing where once he got really old you're kind of like well you can't do your shtick once he got really old, you're kind of like, well, you can't do your shtick really anymore.

Yeah. Be the super physical. And it didn't kind of work outside of Seinfeld. Like, they tried to give him shows like Private Investigator or whatever like that,

but it just never could carry it. But at the same time, Seinfeld is in such heavy syndication, it's like he doesn't have to work at all. Oh, for sure.

That's why I'm so proud. Well, he was in that Curb. He's on Curb. Yeah. Oh, he is. I actually. Well, he was in that Curb. He's on Curb. Yeah. Oh, he is. I'm back. I actually don't watch a lot of Curb.

They did a Seinfeld reunion. And then they kind of obviously talked about the Michael Richards thing. Oh, they did? Yeah. And there's another thing where he explodes on J.B. Smooth and then it goes, it blows up in the show. Yeah. I got to watch that.

I stopped watching Curbber Leon because it gave me a lot of agita but now I think I'm ready to get back into it I think I'm yeah like it just made me feel

like I had to itch my skin every time I watched it you're just like yeah I'm like just if you could just explain what's happening

this would all stop snowballing like that's all like what exactly I say the most out loud like it's a show just watch the show

just you know it's all fake everyone's in on it. Not even Larry Davis writes this in real life. Because it does. It makes your skin call. All right. Yeah.

Michael Richards. Yeah. Zash Toscani. Yeah. I'm going to go Ron Artest, Malice at the Palace. Damn. That's a good one. That's a quick, you know, as a crow flies, meltdown.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to melt the fuck down. We just saw it. Ron Artest. Ron Artest. Go ahead, Zach. No, you tell it. No, no, no.

Okay, so Ron Artest was a basketball player for the Indiana Pacers. Oh, Metta World Peace. Metta World Peace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're using his nom de plume of the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He grew up, I think, in Queens, New York or something like that. Came up crazy.

Once when he was in high school, a fight broke out at a game, and he saw a guy get stabbed to death with the leg of a table. That's Buck. And always struggled with his mental health and stuff like that. They were playing the Detroit Pistons. They were. Who were also Buck themselves. In Detroit, who were also Buck themselves. And the game had been very chippy, a lot of shoving and pushing back and forth.

And Ron Artest got called for a foul or something like that. Yeah, there was like Ben Walton. Someone fouled him. There was like a kind of player fight. He went and laid down on the scorer's table. The crowd was booing him. Somebody threw a cup with water and it landed and hit him. Yeah.

And then he ran up into the stands. And then one of his teammates, Steven Jackson, right? Yeah, ran up with him. Ran up with him. Going after the fans who threw it at him. And these are like six, eight gigantic Jack dudes. And then a huge brawl breaks out just in the whole arena. People are on the court.

Jermaine O'Neal, who's like a seven-foot tall guy, throws a punch at this fucking five-foot-eight drunk dude. But luckily, Jermaine O'Neal slips on some water that's on the court and fucks his punch up. That guy would have died. I was going to say, you could kill someone. He was running full speed and going right for that dude's job.

The guy wasn't even looking. The guy was looking the other way and you just see Jermaine O'Neal tear an ass out of him. People got arrested. Nine players were suspended for a total of 146 games. I remember this. Here's the thing. I remember this. I remember this, actually. Here's the thing.

I don't condone violence. No. I think throwing things on a stage or on a court is fucking garbage. It's a garbage. Like, I just saw, like, a concert of, I forget what rappers it was, but somebody thought that a woman threw something on stage. And I don't know. It was like, I just think when I see these stories, I'm like, why'd you throw something on the fucking stage?

Don't throw things. Are you sick? Like, stop. Sorry, I just get so annoyed at that. No, I can, and that's how you can kind of relate because you're like, man, if I was just enough pissed and I was like walking somewhere and someone just threw something at me out of a car.

I would like everything in my blood to run, chase down that car, beat those people to death. That's one thing. Throwing is crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I went to him.

Vernon Maxwell went to the stands cause the guy yelled something about his daughter who was bored with like birth defects. And that I think is very, yeah. Go for it. Get that guy. Yeah. That's the other thing was like,

I feel like this helped in terms of like, they kind of, people started policing themselves. Fans started policing each other. Like, come on, man. Like, these are all human beings. Yes. Let's not, whatever. Sean Jordan.

Yeah, that's crazy. For your fourth and final picks, that fifth round is going to have to be a lightning round. Oh, yeah. You guys have a res, right? My fifth round will be a real one. We do go on. The fourth round

I'm gonna pick the Britney Spears meltdown oh no yeah yeah it was the like quintessential you know it's a beautiful it's a beautiful meltdown

and that was one where I was just like man that poor woman like the press just ripped her apart yeah

and of course you're gonna fucking freak out and what she went after a paparazzi with a fucking she shaved her head in Tarzana. Yeah. And then.

She attacked an SUV. Tried to hit some dude with an umbrella. And they were all like trying to sue her. And you're like, dog, come on. It was just like. Five, six Britney Spears. She was the beginning of the TMZ. The 24 hours.

Like being tailed. Can't go to Target. Shit. When you're trying to go out. Like blogs. Like. And I was part of the problem. I was like ferociously reading those blogs.

So was I. If I wasn't getting a new picture every hour, I was like, Perez, let's go. You know? Yeah. I mean, that kind of taught me some lessons about I try my best to not. Like, we live in LA. Like, we were at a party, and Kristen Bell was there, and I was trying my best to not be like, don't, like, just be cool.

Be cool. Act like you've been there. And that's one of those. It kind of taught me that, don't like, just be cool. It's normal. Act like you've been there. And that's one of those. It kind of taught me that. Like, she's just a person. They're all just people. Totally.

So don't fucking freak out all the time. But now I think they've all learned how to do it. And that's why you don't see upskirts anymore. You don't see like drunken starlets fucking around Hollywood anymore. And with Twitter and like Instagram, they can sort of supply that access. Yes. On their own terms. Yeah, they can sort of supply that access. Yes. Yeah. On their own terms. Yeah, they can control the content.

In a Kanye camp, but like most people can be like, I'm going to sort of meet up this like access to me. Totally. And then all of a sudden it's not as much of a deal. I will say, I've just talked about this on my own podcast, but Britney Spears is under a conservatorship by her father.

She is a 38 year old-old woman that cannot spend any of her own money. But, and that's sad, but she is actually doing pretty great. Has a boyfriend and her two kids.

A hot-ass boyfriend. And she's killing it in Vegas right now, right? Well, the Vegas thing just ended. Okay. Reviews were mixed, but I think she sold out a lot.

I would have loved it. I guarantee you. She sold out a lot. But her Instagram is the only place, is the only thing Britney controls. It is the only place where you get thing Britney controls it is the only place

where you get to see Britney Spears totally free and that's why it's crazy you guys gotta follow her on Insta oh yeah have a look

I'm gonna do it right now Britney Spears is a great follow she does she posts these videos of herself just like twirling in a dress she posts videos

of her singing she like it's great it's really a fun but it's the only thing that she has control over in like, it's great. It's really a fun, but it's the only thing that she has control over in my opinion. It's nice seeing her,

you know, for all intensive purposes. I used to think it was intensive purposes by the way. There it is. But seeing her come out the other side

and be doing all right. Yeah. Like still performing. Totally. Still putting out dang shit. I still like, you know,

all of those comeback songs, I could get into them. Yeah. I didn't love them, but I'm not a teenager like I was when she first came out So What the hell Who cares

She's great God some of those early songs Were so good Like Slave Slave for you Toxic Oh my god Oh her kids skateboard

Sean you're gonna love this Oops I did it again Come on Well I think her kids Oh she put her own music on Her kids are gonna be The next thing Her kids are gonna be

The next thing Like five years You're to see her kids running around dating like Suri Cruise and Tom Won't Allow It and blah, blah, blah. I can't wait for everyone to mix the gene pools and let's see what comes out. It's going to be like fucking Maddox Jolie Pitt is trying to date

whoever. Ian Carmel. Not trying to. Succeeding in dating. Sort of an old but still hip Ian Carmel. Yeah. Not trying to. Succeeding in dating. Actually doing it. Old but still hip Ian Carmel. Lightning round. Lightning round. Just say it and then a couple words.

Scott Stapp, lead singer for Creed, showing up drunk to all his shows. Oh, yeah. Because they're supposed to be the Christian band and he's such a dipshit. And he would just get drunk and talk shit to the crowd and they're all like, no, not you, Scott Stapp. No, Scott.

And then showing up in a three-way porno right later with Kid Rock or something like that. Having those weird meltdowns where he just goes completely the other way. All the way. You know what? Fuck it. I've been doing drugs, getting handjobs the whole time. I don't give a shit.

Let's go all the way. Yeah. All right, Scott Stapp. Scott Stapp. Zachary? My speed round final pick, Sean Young. What was Sean Young's meltdown? So Sean Young's meltdown was that she was-

Einhorn is Finkel. In it together. How? Why? She was cast as Vicki Vale in the first Batman, but she broke her arm. So then they put in. They recast her. So they recast her.

And then she wanted to do Catwoman for the Batman Returns. And they wouldn't even audition her. And she just went crazy. She would wear the catsuit, homemade catsuit. Yes, I remember this. All around. What? I remember this all around and would like go into

warner brothers like would break into the studio and like find tim like stalk tim burton and michael like if you saw her in the costume he'd be like you're right like please put me as cat woman and was like she has lost it she got like arrested at the oscars that year like she would show up to events drunk as hell you're so right and now she gone she's gone she gone there is nothing going with Sean Young she was huge

she was huge yeah yeah nice alright we'll look more into that Sean Young dude Kara speed round I'm really torn but I'm gonna go

with Amanda Bynes oh yeah that was another fucking bummer another Disney bummer like she told

Drake she wanted him to murder her vagina on Twitter. That was pretty crazy. I keep hearing that things are going... Drinkable people. That's insane. I keep hearing that things are going to be like to murder a vagina. Yeah. He's a sensitive guy.

Also, like, as a woman, I don't think that's anything anyone's really asking. No, don't. But, like, she... I keep hearing people say that she's's really asked. No, don't. I keep hearing people say that she's on the up and up. That any day now she's going to come back and everything's going to be fine. Because I just caught her in Easy A recently. She's a great

comedic actress. She's so funny. I remember her on all that. I thought she was so funny. Also big kid. She's funny in that prissy, mean girl kind of role. She's great at it. She's like a wunderkind. Amanda Bynes, we're rooting for you. She's like a wunderkind. Yeah. Amanda Bynes, we're rooting for you.

AFB officially rooting for you. You're the man. She's the man. She's the man. She's the man. It's a movie. Amanda Bynes vehicle. With my final speed round thing, I'm going to take Stefan Marbury.

I'm going to go to the NBA as well. Oh, yeah. Stefan Marbury was an amazing point guard, again, out of New York City. Really good in the NBA for a while. Fell off very fast. All of a sudden showed up on some early version of Twitch or whatever where you broadcast yourself answering questions. Eaten Vaseline. Eaten Vaseline

on camera. Swallowing. And then he's crying. Yeah, crying. Crying, eating Vaseline. Fucking nuts. And then ended up in China where he thrived in the Chinese basketball league there's a statue of him in front of the arena he plays at they love him there

he has a tattoo of his shoe symbol on his head oh my god so excellent draft we're going to invite you back on air you have to come back this was so fun we spent so much time talking just to recap the draft, Sean, you went first. You took Pat O'Brien,

Mike Tyson Earbite, OJ's Meltdown, Britney Spears 07, Scott Staff showing up drunk, Zach, you went second. You took Bjorn Borg, Howard Hughes, Pete Weber, whatever you think you are, I am, Ron Artest, and Sean Young, which I just found out about

just a while, Cara Clank, at Cara Clank on Twitter and Sean Young, which I just found out about just a while. Cara Clank, at Cara Clank on Twitter. You took Mariah Carey on Cribs. Excellent pick. That was the best. Anne Heche, Wynoda Ryder,

Michael Richards Meltdown, and Amanda Bynes. I went last and took Kanye today. Shia LaBeouf, Charlie Sheen, Tom Cruise, and Stefan Marbury.

Woo. The triple group. We left some crazy ones on the board. Robert Downey. No pun intended. Cat Williams, Robert Downey. Oh, yeah, Cat. Alec Baldwin, Hasselhoff

eating a cheeseburger off the floor. Randy Quaid. Quaid. Oh, I forgot about Quaid. Damn. Owen Wilson. Oh, yeah.

Motherfuckers act like they forgot about Quaid. I forgot about Quaid. Oh, that was good. Nowadays, everybody want to talk if they got something to say, but it comes out

when they move the lips. It's just a bunch of gibberish. Motherfuckers acting like I'm about to quit. So what do you say to somebody you hate, huh? Shitter's full. So what do you say to somebody in Independence Day? All right, we'll talk about it off the air. Thank you for listening.

Shout out to the Twitter. Shout out to everyone on Instagram, AFE subreddit. We love you guys so much. Please send us your suggestions as well. Please do. Get some sleepers in there. Get some sleepers on Instagram. AFE subreddit. Hell yeah. We love you guys so much. Please send us your suggestions as well. Please do. Get some sleepers in there. Get some sleepers in there. Get some sleep too. Summer's coming up. And more importantly, tune in again

next week for another brand new edition of All Fantasy Everything. Shaklackity! Birthday shaklackity. They should clack at it. That was a hate gun podcast.