All Fantasy Everything - Celebrity Sex Tapes (w/ Louis Virtel and Porn Star Sovereign Syre)

Episode Date: October 21, 2016

In the sixth episode, we get erotic as hell and draft Celebrity Sex Tapes. Ian is joined by comedian Louis Virtel and comedian/ porn star Sovereign Syre. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Celebrity sex tapes. So I'm joined by two of the foremost minds on celebrity sex tapes in America. Here sitting with me today in the HeadGum Studios, we have Louis Vertel. Hello, Louis. I can't wait to tell my mom that I'm the foremost authority. The talking head, the pundit. Universally recognized as one of the foremost authorities. Right. Right.

What is popular culture? No, precisely. I'm like the Joan Embry of sex tapes. You bring me into the show, and I produce my collection of them. The Joan Embry of celebrity sex tapes. I want to buy you a jacket with that sewn onto the back of it. Like a pink lady style jacket. Here comes a koala holding a sex tape.

And you can hear her there on the other microphone. Not only is Luis Fertelli, we're also joined by Saavra and Sire. Saav, how are you doing today? I am excellent. Also one of the foremost experts on celebrity sex tapes. Yes, yes. I'm so excited you guys are here. Let me give you credits.

Let me give you some plugs really quick. Louis, you're a comedian, a writer. Sometimes, yes. Occasional comedian when not pontificating on celebrity sex tapes. Right, which is rare. Which is when you have those small windows. You're also a writer. You wrote for the last season of Billy on the Street.

Yep, coming up November 15th or something. Such a fucking amazing show on the new match game. That's right, that's right. People may know you from your iconic Jeopardy clip. I answered questions one time. I could spend two hours talking to you just about Jeopardy, so we can't dwell

on that anymore. Where can people find you on Twitter? I'm at Louis Fertel, which is cryptic, I know, but it is also my name. What's the meaning there?

I know, right. It's an acrostic poem. It's really lascivious. It's a sestina. Yeah, a sestina. Your Twitter handle is the plot of the new Tom Hanks Angels and Demons. Yes, right. Oh, right.

A lot of the poder rigs. Felicity Jones. Sovereign, you're a stand-up comedian. You're also a writer. You were a porn star. I was, yes. As well. Extra expertise.

Recently retired. Yes. Congratulations. Yes. Putting your jersey up in the rafters. Yes. You have your own podcast. I do.

Which we'll share called Observations with Sovereign Sire. Yeah. I was a guest. It was a lot of fun. Yeah. I love doing it. And you also host a monthly show here in Los Angeles. Yeah.

I host a variety show out of the Steve Allen Theater called Cobra Juice. Yeah. And I have a co-host, Kyle Shire. And we just had Marc Maron and we're having on who did I just tell you was the next one we're having Jackucation November 12th

Jackucation Theo Vaughn Alastrick Williams and more and more yeah that's amazing yeah where can people find you

on social media and if you have a website you want to plug too sovereignsire.net is my website that's all my upcoming shows all my everything is going on there

and then on Twitter I live there so sovereignsire on Twitter and that's I'm on there 40- on Twitter I live there so Sovereign Sire on Twitter and that's I'm on there 40, 50 times I am always available always available

on Twitter always vacancies don't give away the secrets jeez make us look stupid if you need to get my attention

just at me what she means to say she's very exclusive very hard to get a hold of if she replies consider yourself lucky she doesn't understand the phone

yeah it doesn't even make sense yeah people have to help you through it uh as always you can find me at uh at ian carmel or www.iancarmel.com i just got a new website i'm so excited about it it's gorgeous and it made it made my week yeah you know yeah was it through squarespace it was it is through squarespace yeah love it. My ex-girlfriend made it. We were still dating when she started making it, and then like a year and a half later, it's finally done. The relationship's over, but the website will stand as a... A testament to passive-aggressive.

You could sell that pilot. I could sell, yeah. Just like her, just going through really sad, sort of Bon Iver-type music. Sipping tea, making my website. Squarespace will probably sponsor it. We're not sponsored by Squarespace, though, so fuck them until they get on.

No, I'm just joking. We'd love to have you, Squarespace. They're fantastic, and my website is fantastic, so thank you for that. Getting way off track, we are here for one reason and one reason only. We are drafting celebrity sex tapes. This is so fun

before we do that we have to determine the draft order lewis sovereign you are going to play rock paper scissors and it's rock paper scissor shoot you're gonna throw on the last one gotcha i will narrate it and whoever wins will pick the draft order are you ready to go? Yes. All right. It's about to start, and it's started. Rock, paper, scissors. Oh, Lewis wins with the rock over Sovereign Scissors. I had to scissor. Enjoy the patriarchy, honey.

I had to scissor. You had to scissor. You thought you were a tight one. I mean, you scissor still all the time. What am I talking about? I feel like that was inappropriate. It's really weird in here now, right? No. I'll go. It's a sexy place.

I should go. It's a sexy place. Could you flee? I will. I'll flee. It is. It's a very sexy room covered in soundproofing with exposed pipes. Exposed pipes could be sexy.

All right, Lewis, it is your responsibility to determine the draft order. Who will be going first? You know what? I am going to go. The serpentine BS is really tripping me up. But I am going to go second. You're going to go second? Yes. All right.

It's a position of stability. If you steal my first pick, I would be so surprised. But I feel like it's possible. You're going to have sovereigns going first? Yeah. So I will go third. Yes. Sovereign, that means with the very first pick of the All Fantasy Everything Celebrity

Sex Tape Draft, the choice is yours. You are now on the clock. Feel free to make your pick whenever. Roblo. Very good. The Roblo Sex Tape. Yeah. Now, I mean, tell us about it.

Okay, well, let me tell you what I'm looking for in a sex tape I'm looking for devastation I'm looking for something that was actually damaging or documenting someone's descent because for me the real porn is the trauma the real joie de vivre of a sex tape is the feeling

that the person is actually kind of low key devastated but also to me in my mind that's that's like it was because there was the underage element there was the mom like he got points for like underage girl well let's mom and daughter yeah like he like he was like knocking like a bunch of shit off like at what like so that's why well let's just for the listeners if they're not familiar with it roblo there was, there was a Rob Lowe sex tape. It was a threesome. Right. Was it mother daughter?

Yeah. I had no idea it was mother daughter. There's another section where it's him and some buddy of his. Right. And then there's a girl. Yeah. Is it? It's a two partner.

It's apocryphal to me because it was a little before my time. But like that's also cultural impact. I think it was like people were really scared. It was like the first real one. Yeah. Yeah i think it was like people were really scared it was like the first real one yeah yeah like it was like people were like holy shit roblo didn't know at the time but the girl one of the girls in the threesome roblo and two girls happened to be underage yeah and that one took place the night before the democratic national convention in i get it in the city where the DNC was happening. Because I think he was appearing at the DNC.

So Rob Lowe did this fucking right before a very important political event. And I'm trying to figure out exactly what year it was. That would have been 88. It would have been 88, right? Yeah. Rob, and there was a bit of a fallout from it, right? Oh, yeah.

I mean, he was, like, he was, I mean, he was... Persona non grata until that Oscars where he performed with Snow White and everybody hated him. Do you know what I'm talking about? In 89. I don't think? Oh, yeah. I mean, he was, like, he was, I mean, he was... Persona non grata until that Oscars where he performed with Snow White and everybody hated him. Do you know what I'm talking about? In 89. I don't think I do, no.

At the beginning of the Oscars, there was this strange number where, like, the guy putting together the Oscars choreographed him and Snow White and it was supposed

to be this charming, like, he's a Disney prince type guy. Oh, God. And it's like a legendary disastrous moment and all these years later the person playing cinderella finally or snow white um finally was talked about how horrible it was

for her entire life anyway let's talk about the sex tape do you know what's also great about that sex tape yeah the element of again there's this other guy in it who's like cheering him on kind of yeah and it's like i'm not i guess the only word for it is homoerotic but it's just right you just like fuck with your friend i mean i get it it is homoerotic, but it's just – Right. You just, like, fuck with your friend. I mean, I get it. It's fine. I believe it, you know. I mean, if it's something you're into, that's fantastic.

I would feel so weird. I would want to give my friend a moment's peace. Yeah, right. I would feel so weird in the corner just like, there you go. What do you do? You're leading with your hips again. You know not to do that, you know? It does seem like the third base coach of sex.

Absolutely. Yeah, like, you don't really need maybe not my friend but I think I would watch Rob Lofuck and sort of cheer him on yeah yeah given the opportunity if you were like it was like wasn't it was like black and white it was kind of like like there was something it was like and wasn't it like shortly was it before after that sex lies and videotape right around time. I think it would have been right before it. Yeah, like it inspired then this kind of, almost this genre of fictional movie. Yeah.

Like this idea of like, because I think it was like, it was also marked the beginning of like home movies, like what we have today with cell phones. Like that was the first where like technology was really coming into your house and you could really like, candy cam, you could, like it kind of marks

also like this point in like, in culture where our relationship to technology was starting to change as well because you see movies like Sliver come out,

stuff like that where it's like, no, everyone's watching you, everything's being, like there was this new kind of sense of what is privacy.

The idea of like Panopticon and like constant surveillance. Yeah, and I think that was one of kind of sense of what is privacy the idea of like panopticon and like constant surveillance yeah and i think that was one of the first big because what's the like the most private moment you have is is when you fuck like cheering on your friend who's fucking or like all the things that people have been doing forever but like you know so i think it also marked this cultural shift in how we perceived privacy and also like the role of technology. Yeah. And that's also around. I mean, like, I guess I think of the 80s in general is when tabloid culture became super extreme.

You know, like just like the like the the years of how fat Liz Taylor is. And we couldn't get over that. You know, it's like that. And so it's like I felt like there's a lot. And like, you know, with the Sean Penn and Madonna people being super explosive and like that sex type being like actually, you know, the promise of like a Hollywood bad boy actually being a bad boy and it being verified was a completely new idea. Yeah. You know. Right.

And it always been protected information. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Yeah. And without the Rob Lowe, you know, we probably never would have had Zack and Miri made a porno. Right. Which is a direct descendant of that sex thing.

Right. Which, important milestone for Elizabeth Banks. Absolutely. That's right, yes. Of someone we were all heavily invested in.

Yes, right. Yeah, it was. That's a great, that's a great pick. There's no, there's no real criticism for that pick. Rob,

I'll fucking, fucking Rob Lowe. When the Colin Kaepernick thing happened, he started pontificating about all that. It was like, Rob Lowe when the Colin Kaepernick thing happened he started pontificating about all that and it was like Rob Lowe you should maybe not be speaking on issues of morality and no joke and also by the

way seconds after his damn roast where he's like can't you believe I can't believe how cool I am I totally get it now let me use this platform in good grace he had to speak down to a quarterback who I couldn't possibly understand what he's going through yeah right yeah a quarterback black man probably more prescient than speak down to a quarterback who I couldn't possibly understand what he's going through. Yeah, right. Black man, probably more prescient than his role as a quarterback.

Yeah, Rob Lowe. It's crazy that we, I mean, we welcome him back into our hearts several times. Fully. Maybe Parks and Recreation is what really kind of fully brought him back. Wayne's World? Right? He was in Wayne's World. Yes,

and he was also in Billy, not Billy Mattis, like Tommy Boy. Tommy Boy, yeah. in terms of becoming back into just being

beloved or whatever is because that character in Parks and Rec was so lovable. It was cool to respect him and stuff too. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. It was back to normal like it had never happened. Well, Rob Lowe, from fucking an underage girl all the way to the number one pick in the All Fantasy Everything draft, Sav, you Well, Rob Lowe, from fucking an underage girl all the way to the number one pick in the All Fantasy Everything draft.

Sav, you took the Rob Lowe sex tape. That means, Lewis, you have the second pick of the first round. You are now on the clock in the celebrity sex tape draft. Okay, well, it's occurring to me right now how delusional I was that you might steal this number one pick since it's such a stupid pick. Okay, I went with Jenna Lewis from Survivor and her model husband do you remember this i do jenna lewis

was this chick was on the first season of survivor in 2000 right okay okay so anyway this sex tape and she like was like a vh1 personality for a second you know like people when they were on reality shows at that time got like three chances they let her have have $300 to be on like Best Week Ever for a second. Precisely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like that Colleen Haskell chick was in that movie The Animal with Rob Schneider. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Anyway, a very important time in American history. Anyway, so this woman, it's her honeymoon sex tape. And her husband happens to be a like blistering hot model. He's way hotter than her. Yes. She's beautiful, too. Yes. But he's like...

Yeah. Well, I guess I'm thinking of what I might have been going through when I was 14 at the time, pretending to be straight. So this is a crucial moment for me. I'm thinking, I watch Survivor. Oh, she's a hot person. We'll never know anything about her sex life. Wait a minute.

Yes, we will. Wait a minute her sex life wait a minute yes we will wait a minute she's banging a really hot guy and so it's like the the sex tape is them in their honeymoon and like she doesn't want to do it she's like oh i feel kind of uncomfortable i don't know i don't really like this or whatever and meanwhile the whole thing's and it's just like it's the first sex tape that looked like kind of porn yeah Yeah. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, yeah, the camera wasn't, like, in a shitty position. Yeah, right. You could see it all, really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. So also, it's like a satisfying sex tape because it's like the guy is prominently featured because he is, like, kind of running the whole show. And so anyway, a seminal moment in LGBT history, I believe. A seminal moment for you. Yes.

If Harvey Milk were here now, he'd be like Jenna Lewis and that model husband. Yeah, yeah. True heroes. Praise be. Yeah. Stonewall, Jenna Lewis and her husband. It's an important moment for you. An important moment.

It was interesting when reality stars started crossing that bridge. Right. That became something they could do. Right. That was like added dimension to their persona. Because for a long time it was these very, like a Rob Lowe and some of the other people we'll mention in the draft. But then when you get like those lower level ones where in your head even you're like, there's a chance where if I played all my cards right, I could have sex with someone like this. Yeah, right.

That's never happening with like a Rob Lowe. my cards right, I could have sex with someone like this. Yeah, right. That's never happening with like a Rob Lowe. But if you get like a reality TV star, you know, all of a sudden that might be in play, which adds sort of a level of sexuality to it that I think is intriguing. Right. No, because, yeah, it acquaints you with the fact that these people have nothing.

Like they don't have like some agent being like, you know, it's just like, you know. They have the same Ikea framed picture on their wall that you have. Right. They also don't have any money. Yeah. Right. I recognize all the art in their apartment. Yeah. These aren't rich people at all.

It's a beautiful sentiment, isn't it? It is. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a shared struggle. Jenna Lewis and her model husband. I love that pic too.

Survivor's given us a lot of naked people. Yeah. Or just like bizarre pop culture, like, you know, the Hasselbecks. Yeah, yeah. Oh, Richard Hatch, of course. Richard Hatch, of course. I'm exposing my ignorance here.

The Hasselbecks, did they marry the quarterback Hasselbecks, or is that from the NFL, or is that a complete coincidence? I think, yeah, that's right. I wish I knew. I wish I knew, too. I think she did have another last name

when she was on the show, so I think that's right. I'm going to assume she married one of the quarterbacks, and she became like a pundit. She was on The View, yeah, yeah, for all those years, and she was real like Kellyanne Conway committed to being like- Hardcore. Yes. God, Kellyanne Conway. I mean, that's a whole other podcast, but Jesus Christ, that person is committed.

Right. The name Kellyanne is lovely to say, though. Kellyanne. Kellyanne. If Trump doesn't win, she should win like an Emmy. They should give her an Emmy next year for how hard she's acting her ass off on all these television shows. Right. Because she was like a respected political pundit amongst conservatives.

You know, liberals would still be like, fuck her. But like even now, like right thinking conservatives are like, yeah, she's like on fire lying. Yeah. She's like she went way off the reservation, which we just did as well. So with your first pick of the celebrity sex stage, right, you take Jenna Lewis from Survivor and her hot model husband. Controversial pick. I know it is. It's a controversial first pick, but it comes from the heart.

Your strategy. Right. This is my ballot. Yes. Yeah. It's very specific. It's your ballad i love that that's fantastic yeah yeah this is if it means it means more to you than it could ever to anyone listening but hopefully they connect too right yeah you kids if you have a dream follow it yeah i'm i it's now my pick it's my my turn to make uh my first pick of the celebrity sex tape draft i'm kind of going your route a little bit, Sovereign, with the devastation of it all.

Because with my first pick, I am taking the Hulk Hogan sex tape. Oh, fuck you. Speaking of devastation, yes. God damn it. Speaking of devastation. God damn it, Ian. The sex tape that ruined Gawker and called the first amendment into question just in general the sex tape itself not that remarkable although it is hilarious it's hulk hogan in his 50s or 60s full of barbecue

during the sex tape he complains about how full he is he's like oh i eat too much barbecue and the person he's having sex with is the radio DJ Bubba the Love Sponge's ex-wife. And Hulk Hogan and Bubba the Love Sponge are friends. And he fucks his ex-wife. And it's on camera. And the sex tape itself, not that remarkable. But it did completely topple a media empire. That's true.

Yeah. Yeah. I like the juxtaposition of destruction and innocuousness. Just like, what is this? Yeah, it's the least erotic. I have seen videos of fucking plywood being made that are more erotic than the Hulk Hogan sex video. It's also a testament to how much money people make in celebrity. Because Hulk Hogan hasn't been a famous person for

probably like 20 to 25 years. Or like a superstar. Definitely not generating any new reasons to be famous. It's a testament also to how much money famous people actually make that he's still in this income bracket and all of this stuff.

That's how long you can live that opulent lifestyle off of being a superstar for a year or two. It's kind of crazy. Especially if you buy a house in Florida, apparently. Oh, is that where it was? Oh, yeah. It was all in Florida.

Oh, my gosh. I mean, that seems just so on the nose. It's such a Florida thing. I didn't want to say it feels like it's in Florida, but it was. It feels Floridian. It's mad Floridian. A balding blonde man fucking his friend's ex-wife.

It's also just like the weird, like, you know, like, being in porn, there's a certainness, like, as a person that's done porn, it's so bizarre. Because we always say, you know, I'm normal. Like, civilians are fucking weird. Sure. Because I would get requests for custom videos that were just like the most bizarre shit. And I remember sitting with another girl and we were sitting on set and they're like,

man, like these guys are gross. Like, like I'm just normal. Like I just like, I just want to go. You're self-possessed. You don't have to submit anonymous requests elsewhere.

But it's like the fantasies would just be like this bizarre stuff. And it's like whenever you see like swing documentaries about swingers, it's always like kind of overweight middle-aged people in fucking Wisconsin. They're all Jewish therapists. Yeah. And it's like. Every time. It's people who are bored. Yeah.

And so it's like the whole Kogan tape also reminds me of this thing where it's like, there's like old middle-aged people. Like, just like, like, I don't know what the erotic factor is. And sort of like documenting their their i just kind of like i was like this is america yeah it's very all-american like this is what we really look like i bet people felt like they could trust especially these like i mean this the the americans you know who are the actual weirdos probably felt like they could trust you with some of this information because she gets it yeah exactly like oh like she must be real and it information because they're like, she gets it. She totally gets it.

It's not like, oh, she must be real. And it's like, we're all like, no, I'm just willing to be film doing it. Yeah. Literally the only difference between me. You're not like an oracle of, yeah, yeah. I've looked at the veil. You're still weird, though. It's weird that you want me to be making a step on a model train set

and you're going to jack off to that. Oh, man. Weird shit. Can you tell us what, or is there like a confidentiality? I have one where they wanted me to, they had specific music they wanted playing. What was the music? Do you remember even the spirit of it? It was a techno dance track, like a JVM kind of thing.

And they wanted to be in like- I was hoping it was like Release Me by Wilson Phillips. I would have done it. It would have made so much more release of it. They wanted it to be in a warehouse. They wanted it to be like my feet were dirty. They wanted it to start out that I was like dancing to the beat in like a button down shirt.

Then at a certain point in the music, I was to take off my shirt and then they wanted me to like crawl around on the ground. And then they wanted me to start like making like animal and dog noises and things like that. Like while also sort of like crawling on the ground and dancing to the beat. It's a long song. No, no porn in it. I mean, that was it. That was, I mean, obviously they were going to, obviously they. No porn in it. Oh, that was it?

That was... That's the culmination of it. Obviously, they were going to use it for... You're a dog in a collared shirt. Sexual... I've had that dream. Obviously, they were going to use it for sexual purposes. Of course, yeah.

But yeah, a lot of this stuff... It wasn't a warehouse safety video. They were like, don't do this, guy. Someone just wanted me to record myself for 30 minutes making tea and then sitting down and reading my favorite book in silence so they could jack off to that. What? Because that way they could pretend that I was their girlfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, that I understand a little bit. Like, his straight men are very into girlfriend fantasies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is so bizarre. Which I pity about them. All they do is talk about. Yes. All they do is talk about is, like, getting pussy and, like, not committing.

Right. It's hilarious. but nobody really wants that it's the real fantasy is just like she's still here yeah she brought some of her stuff over oh shit the real fantasy it's funny about the tea because like i mean the like a very straight guy girl for anything is when tea starts showing up at your house and you'll like open up a cupboard and you're like fucking look at all the celestial seasonings up in here you know because i don't think most i don't it it seems like a girl for anything at least in my experience like you go to find a band-aid and there's actually band-aids in the medicine cabinet yeah and you're like holy shit like i'm a functional adult my last girlfriend changed my changed my sheets for me once which blew my not because they were gross like i would change my sheets for me once, which blew my mind. Not because they were gross.

Like, I would change my sheets. But she was just like, I bought new sheets. I think these are going to be nicer. It never even occurred to me. I was like, I have sheets, and these are the ones I will die with. You know? And brought over, like, nicer, better-looking sheets. I find this jarring.

And disturbing. My girlfriend completely civilizes me. True lack of self-care. I had an impact in two years. My girlfriend buys new sheets, like, every two months just because she wants it to look different. I'm like, I wish I had a chalk wall. The next day I show up, I come home and there's a chalk wall there and then I can like sit and write poems. Is she a genie?

That's so crazy. She's a fucking unicorn. That's amazing. Like, holy shit. Yeah. One time a guy left poppers over at my house and I said, thank you. Same. Same though. I bet. Yes. Same. No, like I have left poppers over at my house and I said, thank you. Same. Same though.

I bet. Yes. Same. No, like I have some poppers. A guy left some poppers at my house and I'm very thankful. That's the only gift I need. So you can loosen up every now and then. Yeah.

Sometimes it's fun when you're masturbating to like have a like really intense sarcasm. And yeah. And be like, oh, VCR cleaner is delicious to my brain. Okay. Yeah. New sheets. I got new sheets. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I new sheets. I got new sheets of my bed. Oh, I'm sorry. No, please, please, please. Say whatever you want. I'm not clutching at pearls at all. Nobody's ever left poppers at my house. But feel free to listen. Yes, so I'm taking the Hulk. What were you going to say?

No, yeah, so you're taking Hulk Hogan. I'm taking Hulk Hogan. Like a fucking bastard. It's such a gross video he i don't believe he can get an erection i think he was jamming a half erect penis into her unless he was he must have been on viagra just the amount of steroids he must have done throughout his career as a professional wrestler it's so gross because it makes guys have dry mouth so then they're like kissing you like they're kissing you with like dry mouth because it's like their heart races. Is Cialis like that too? I don't know.

Most people won't tell you they're taking it. When I was doing porn, I figured it out. Oh, there's a consistency. I can definitely tell when someone's on Viagra. You're a Viagra detective. Which you could sell to Oxygen and I want you to. It's either that or then like calverject where they inject their penis oh right yeah yeah what is that calverject what part of the penis i the

base of the shaft oh well that's the least objectionable part to inject something into how long do you keep the erection for in that case like a year like it's there for it you have to like duct tape it to the side of your leg. There was one performer, Danny Wilde wrote, when he retired from porn, he actually wrote an essay. Danny Wilde was a kind of alt-T porn performer,

but he's also a really good writer. Yeah. He's published a few books. Oh, great. But when he retired, he wrote this big blog post. It was commended for being very honest

because he was like, he was taking bagger to do his job. And he had happened more than once, I guess, where he had the thing where the hard-on wouldn't go away. Oh, priapism. And had to go to the emergency room. And they were basically like, if you keep doing this, you're going to either have a heart attack or you're going to lose the ability to have an erection at all. And so he

like quit that day he like came home and was like okay oh porn altogether yeah oh wow and he's like now an author yeah that's great so yeah but so yeah like it's uh viagra that's a like it couldn't it can really fuck you up yeah like it's not it's not a joke like it can mess you up this is like the the more you know I could actually use. Yeah. Yeah. So Viagra, very careful. Cialis is supposed to be better than Viagra. Like from the guy performers I know say they prefer it because it's a little less intense.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, this is dudes we can all use. Yeah. Absolutely. You're right. So guys, don't inject your boners. It makes you more susceptible to HIV and hepatitis C.

You might give it to your male or lady partner. You want to be conscious of that because you, yeah. So don't use Cabriject. It's not, it is not safe. Nobody who listens to this has ever had sex. So I think we're totally fine. Yeah, start from the beginning. What is a vagina?

It's like, it's a hole hole that's got some flappy things. I disagree. I think it looks more like a tuft of hair on it. I think it's a trapezoid. Yeah, I've seen more trapezoids. And it can be different colors. This is my guess. It's a Rubik's Cube.

You're describing a Rubik's Cube? Mine just looks like the nose of a kitten. It's got some candy floss on it. It's adorable. Some are magnetic. Mine's very powerful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very like

You have a prehensile vagina. Yeah, it's very You can carry three grocery bags at once. Yes, exactly. It's strong. I take it to the gym. I work that shit out.

Kettlebells. I can protect your dick in a street fight. Just hide it. We have to move on. Because we will stop drafting and just talk because this is too much fun. We're now in the second round. Wrapping up the first round, Sav, you went first.

You took the Rob Lowe sex tape. Lewis, you went second. You took Jenna Lewis from Survivor. I went third and I took Hulk Hogan, a.k.a. Terry Bollea, and his gawker-ruining sex tape. Since we're doing Serpentine, I also have the first pick of the second round. And with that, I'm going to take one Kim Kardashian and Ray J. Now, who are they?

Now, these are two up-and-comers here in Hollywood. I think you're going to see a lot from them, specifically this Ray J. guy. Kim's nice, but I don't think you're going to hear from her much. It's a sex tape that launched an empire. It's at least one empire. I feel real bad for Ray J, who was in there putting in work. Kim was mostly laying there, and then she got to be famous off of it. I mean, good for her, too, but Ray J should have eaten as well.

It's just massive. It's hard to think it is the most famous sex tape of all time at this point right it is yeah i think yeah it's got it's one of them yeah yeah i think it's gotta be it's still like kim kardashian if you go to like porn hub and you go to and you click on like the like the top porn stars or whatever kim kardashian is usually like somewhere in the top eight oh really myspace style just because so many people are still just like i gotta see that i gotta see that kim kardashian sex tape uh the get much like the hulk hogan one the tape itself not that erotic yeah it's not really it's not really that sexy it's very boring sex uh i feel like i heard i don't i don't think i've seen the whole thing

ever but like they're they're kind of like they're kind of looking at themselves in the camera quite a bit. They are. Ray J too. Ray J as well, yeah. I feel like it's the kind of shit that most people do on a sex tape for the first time, where they're looking into the camera. And you'd think Kardashian growing up in Hollywood

and Ray J having been on a television show would have better camera training than that. Right. But I guess not. I'm now picturing Brandy teaching him basic camera tricks. Yeah. Things she picked up on Moesha. Looked six inches above the camera. Yeah, right. But it's just, I mean, it turned

Kim Kardashian and the Kardashians in general into this global phenomenon. She would have been maybe like an LA party person anyway, and already was, and probably would have continued to. But they're huge. They're the whole reason E is still a network. yeah right right uh there may be there may be they're probably the most famous family i mean it's either the kardashians or the obamas i mean like in the

united states of america right i mean man you're right they're massively famous and they're all fucking famous we give a fuck about well not that we in this room but as a country give a fuck about rob kardashian who has no alliteration in his name. No. And has no skills to speak of. Right. No, we care about offshoots of Kardashians. We do.

We're down into like third cousins and ancestors. We are. At the History Channel. Old Cornelius Kardashian. We're the care. Huge, huge mustache. I think it's a sex tape one. It's an interracial sex tape. It's an interracial sex tape.

It is an interracial sex tape. Because you've got the black male performer. And then also Kim represented a kind of very ethnic beauty. She's the Armenian, right? That's the Kardashian. Yeah, the Armenian, yeah. I grew up in Fresno, which is very Armenian. But, like, the huge butt, the big tits, the full lips, like, everything, the dusky skin.

Yeah. She was, like, it was also, like everything, the dusky skin. Yeah. She was like, it was also like this new standard of beauty, super sexual. I'm in love with this choice, actually, because she represented a change in aesthetic. Yeah. And she was like, it was the first time, like she's a huge superstar that is allowed to be sexual. When most white women become superstars, they can be sexy, but they can't be sexual. Like she is a blatant sex object.

Overly sexual. Like overt sex object. blatant sex object. Overtly sexual. Overt sex object. And that's, like, that's a first. And she was the first. And there have been subsequent ones. Like, you have, like, an Amber Rose and people have come in instead. And we even let some pop stars be, like, a little more overtly sexual, like a Sky Ferreira. You know, not the fucking article that came out.

But, like, I mean, people get to be more, own their sexuality a little bit more. Yeah, like that tape and all those things. It's like, I think there was something about even just the physicality of people wanting to watch her. Yeah. Because she was antithetical to what we're told is the standard of beauty, which is to be very slender. And, like, she was, like, on display and she was something to be objectified and watched and she had this this even to this day like her her butt and all it's unreal it's crazy real when i was when i was working on chelsea lately uh we had her kim's sister uh oh chloe

chloe guest hosted our show and was perfectly wonderful so nice and like funny too what a joy to work with but she uh you know when she came into the writer's room she was wearing like sweat like a like a track suit you know like an expensive track suit and looked dope but like uh you couldn't really tell and then when she came out to do the monologue was wearing like one of these skin-tight body suits and her ass was not even in a sexual way just seemed impossible yeah right it was like watching michael jordan dunk from the free throw line like it was just such a physical feat just like seeing it in person i was like oh my god how how does it even get it was like it's no accident like no not everybody looks like right exactly like it made me sort of get it like for the

i was like fuck i mean I mean, if you're, if that's what you're into, there, I mean, there, there it is. There's, like, the holy grail of it. Yeah. I was gonna say,

what I like about Kim Kardashian in particular is, like, I think the reason people have, like, a vitriolic reaction to her, like, in particular, like, men, like, for a couple reasons. It's like, one,

I mean, like, there's, like, the pure reason, which is, like, I mean, the show is about her hanging out with, like, other women in her family, right? Yeah, it's a family show. I mean, how show is about her hanging out with like other women in her family. Right. I mean,

how often is that even on television? You know what I mean? So it's like, it's a show for women. And like, because she's basically a celebrity made for women in a lot of ways, like people object to her being so famous because people like that aren't used to getting that famous. Yeah.

But also it's like, I think a lot of men don't like Kim Kardashian because she has no girlfriend appeal. You know what I mean? She's just so sexual. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's an amazing looking pinup person. Yeah.

Nothing about her is Emma Stone. Nothing about her is Kristen Bell. It's like, no. Yeah. You never see her. Literally, you have to be Kanye West to fucking be this close. You do, yeah. And you have to be like this Kanye West, too.

Yeah. You can't be like pink polo Kanye West. Right. You have to be like crazy high fashion Kanye West to fucking do this close. You do, yeah. And you have to be like this Kanye West, too. You can't be like pink polo Kanye West. You have to be like crazy high fashion Kanye West. You can't picture Kim Kardashian in your flannel shirt. No. There's no controlling her. No, she thinks that's gross. I think she's fucking, I fucking love her and what she, I'm not a fan of the show just

because it's not the way I like to unwind, but I think it's so dope that she took, even if it wasn't orchestrated, the sex tape, to gain attention, took that and has built an empire and made her entire family rich off of it. I mean, the sex tape was so good that Rob Kardashian had a successful line of socks. Right. I mean, what a blessing to give to your family.

No, that's true. It's fucking amazing. I mean, that's like, maybe it's the new American dream, but it's a version of the American dream. And she started rich. You know, her family was wealthy. But, I mean, to blow up that hard and to create, like, generational wealth like that, it's fucking amazing. I mean, that's hustling.

She took it, you know, it came from a sex tape, but then it's just been hustling since then. Right. That's amazing. You brought up, Sovereign, something that i want to touch on just briefly when you were talking about like the like the way that kim kardashian looks kind of the duskier appearance and then uh there's this weird the the post porn post 9-11 and kim kardashian was part of this rise and then uh who's the who's the lebanese american porn porn star who people are always going in her DMs and she's exposing them? Like Drake.

Mia Khalifa? Mia Khalifa as well. There seems to be this weird, especially in this country with how anti-Muslim sentiment there is, anti-Arab sentiment there is, that she became one of the most quickly. Well, I mean, there is the whole thing that genetically speaking, when we're talking about our sexuality, we're primed to be attracted to people that have the most genetic mixing. Yeah. So that's why we all, everyone thinks that women in Bollywood movies, telenovelas, they're all, it's all that, because that's the most – it represents the most genetic mixing. Right, because your lizard brain is like, I want to get some of those genes.

Yeah, yeah. Do you think that – my theory is that there are these – the Trump voters are out there just jacking off to Arab – women who even look Arab. Oh, I know. Just as a sort of forbidden fruit sort of thing. It has to be, right? Having done porn, I can tell you I know what the – interracial porn is the most popular in the Deep South. Yeah. Like, and a lot of it is, like, cuckolding sort of.

That's why it's really funny that the alt-right and Pepe and all, like, they're calling liberals cucks. Yeah. And, like, that's funny because, like, conservative Christian Republicans are, conservative Christians are the most likely to click through links to porn. Yeah. And they're the number one purveyors of interracial porn that involves some element of cuckolding. Yeah. So that's something that almost exclusively like white Southern good old

boys want to watch. That makes total sense. When people call me like a cuck on Twitter, I'm like, you're just like, you're showing me your whole hand. Like that's the thing you're most afraid of. Somebody fucked my girlfriend.

You know what I mean? I'd be bummed out maybe for a little bit, but I've moved past it. And you're like, it's the ultimate insult. Yeah. Fucking, oh, the alt-right. But yeah, anyway, that's my weird armchair theory about porn. Yes, Kim Kardashian with Ray J. It's one of those weird,

I think, probably in a hotel room porns, too. Everything looks like a Marriott when you start looking at the other scenery. I want to say it's maybe a little bit more well-lit than certain sex videos.

It's every light on. It's crazily well-lit. It's like Trump gold in there. It is Trump, yeah. That's very funny. Versailles gold. Fully Trump gold in there it is Trump yeah that's very funny Versailles gold fully Trump gold in the Kim Kardashian sex video yeah so those are my picks

I've got Hulk Hogan sex tape and Kim Kardashian and Lewis the draft is on you I'm actually glad I did this because I felt like I think this is going to get snatched up by my friend Sav here I'm going with Colin Farrell's sex tape no yes take it I want to make you cry with my picks up by my friend Sav here. I'm going with Colin Farrell's sex tape. No? Yes? Take it. I want to make you cry with my

pics. Here's what's important about the Colin Farrell sex tape. One, he actually is just a sexy celebrity. You'd be curious to see it, I think, in some ways. But also, it challenges your perception of how hot you think he is because he looks like a neo-Nazi. He's completely shaved head,

Walter White, nothing, andnazi yeah he's like he's completely shaved head like walter white nothing go like it just in like a mustache and uh it's like right close up anyway it's just i find it among the most watchable um sex videos and also i think people who have seen every sex tape tend to agree among women anyway that his is one of the better ones i mean he's gorgeous yeah he's i got to work he came and did uh i read on the late late show right now and he came and did an episode we did in someone's house oh yeah he showed up gorgeous by one of those people where there's certain people you know male or people they just walk in a room and you're like how are we the same species of animal

you know what i mean i interviewed him once and thought the same thing it's crazy how good look and then he's also so funny. He's a quick, charming guy, which I mean, once you get that, it only adds to how sexy he is. You know what I mean?

It's amazing Colin Farrell. I haven't seen that sex tape. Oh, really? Yes. When I interviewed him one time, I said something like, I don't know how we got on this. He was in an action movie.

He was in that Total Recall remake. Yes. And he talked about how he was an insane fan of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies. And i just thought it was like i mean like i was like i i wasn't super attracted in before but i was like wow you really are just into like raw power you know i was like yeah you are yeah yeah yeah ropey forearm muscles colin farrell man plus that accent you can't beat that accent yeah we kind of

don't have another actor who sounds like that I mean Liam Neeson maybe but it doesn't sound like that no Liam Neeson's more that he's more bog Irish right and Colin Farrell's

more Highland Irish precisely no Colin Farrell will always have cachet for that reason it's like Rihanna you know it's like she will continue to have hits

as long as no one sounds like that right exactly yeah yeah yeah and no one's been able to so far and even then they probably won't be from Barb one sounds like that. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And no one's been able to so far. And even then, they probably won't be from Barbados.

Certainly. Excellent. Colin Farrell. Sovereign, any thoughts on the Colin Farrell sex tape? Is your heart broken that it got snatched? No, it's not broken. It's a good choice, though. I'm just flawless, yes. Oh, you think I was going to do this wrong, honey? Yes. No, I didn you think I was going to do this wrong, honey? Yes.

No, I didn't think you were going to do it wrong. I don't know the theme. As long as there's like, if there's a hot guy in the sex tape, then that's the one you're going to pick. Some of the time. I said Jenna was quite lovely in the other video. But her husband was model hot, and then it's Colin Farrell. So now I'm getting my pattern down. I get it.

I bet you're upset that I took Hulk Hogan out from you, Lewis. So your criteria is basically fappability. I believe it's important. I believe my fappability is underestimated in this conversation. I will storm out of here if you bring it up again. Speaking of fappability, it's time to find out the fappability level of your second pick, Sovereign. God damn it.

I'm having trouble. Oh, God. God, I'm not actually going to say this. Amy Fisher. Oh. Oh, right. Yeah. So, yeah.

This fits in with your theme, your strategy fully. Yeah. Yeah. so yeah this fits in with your theme your strategy fully yeah yeah amy fisher and let me tell because the she released it on her own and then she she like got made her own porn site and was and was distributing her own porn and like was being a porn star and was like being hired by like she decided to be a porn star yeah at like the age of 33 i think right and like tour the country yeah like all this like like doing like the fugazi 33, I think, right? And like toured the country. Yeah. As a stripper as well. Like God implants, like all the, like, like. Doing like the Fugazi.

She was like going city to city. Yeah. A little grassroots movement. Yeah, she was feature dancing and she was, she was feature dancing. Like she was, she, it was like the celebrity using porn to become a porn, like someone coming in and using their celebrity status to become a porn star. Yeah. Instead of the other way around.

Oh, that's interesting. So like, that's why to me it marked like a thing. So other way around. Oh, that's interesting. So that's why, to me, it marked a thing. So I was like, oh, this is interesting. She's trying to take what celebrity she has in the mainstream culture and use that to make her a porn star. Well, we should explain her celebrity because she's a controversial figure. Amy Fisher was 17, sleeping with a man named Joey Buttafuoco, who was in his 30s, who was married. But let's establish

he was gorgeous. Joey Buttafuoco way more beautiful than his last name would apply. Yeah, it's a brutal last name. He was married. She was 17. She shot his wife. Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Mary Jo Buttafuoco. Yeah, I think they started

the affair when she was like 16. Because her nickname was the Long Island Lolita. Which by the way adds an extra layer of awesomeness to this because And that's, yeah. Well, yeah. I think they started the affair when she was like 16. Right, yeah. She was. Because her nickname was the Long Island Lolita. Yeah. Which, by the way, adds an extra layer of awesomeness to this because that's such a porn moniker. Yeah. She just owned it. Exactly.

Either porn or a terrible boxer. The Long Island Lolita. So she was jealous of the wife because he wasn't going to leave his wife. So she showed up at the doorstep. The wife opened the door. She shot her in the face the wife survived yes there was a huge trial huge scandal and she went to jail for how long like five was it not that long i would say it wasn't terribly long it wasn't terribly but like and then kind

of went into obscurity and was sort of forgotten about and then this was sort of how she became famous again yeah yeah but i think like wave. Yeah. But I think like for sex tapes wise I like it because it was the first time that you saw someone doing it the reverse. The reverse is amazing.

I'm going to try to take this fame and make it so that I'm famous in this industry in porn. Right. Like I thought it was very novel. That is novel. That's great.

I think the only person of the celebrity sex tape pool who went that route too. Yeah. Maybe China. Oh yeah maybe. Actually, too. Yeah. Maybe China. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Actually, China, definitely.

That's about right. But if you go and fish her, late night mainstays in the 90s. I was just going to say it. Huge. I mean, that went on for so long. Yes. They were like every Leno monologue for like three years was like, but if you go. Yeah.

Yeah. Like pre-Lewinsky kind of. Yes. You know that. Yeah. How much would you love a Monica Lewinsky sex tape as in from that time like I mean even now

like I just she's thick I would definitely watch it like I would watch it but just for like like that would be amazing like if that if it came out

there would be some like the timing would be so strange if it happened now yeah yeah yeah where were we on that that was the time that's Julian Assange's October surprise. It's a Monica Lewinsky sex tape.

If Vladimir Putin is listening. Yeah. Girl. Get your tech guys on it. Help us out, queen. Shirtless, horse riding, beautiful man. All right, so you want Amy Fisher. Now, because it's Serpentine, you also have the next pick.

You have the first pick of the third round. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I'm like a little kid. Okay.

Much like Amy Fisher, the Long Island Lolita. She was, it's a baby. Yeah. It's fine. Okay, so we can keep, oh, gosh. Oh, we should put, just really quick, when she made her sex tape, she was 33. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she wasn't 16 or 17

okay so you can google it now I'm like second guessing my choices but okay so Rob Lowe Amy Fisher

um Courtney Stodden oh I actually forgot about that one yeah I'm just because

one it's a solo two it's a solo. Two, it's like her whole creation with Doug Hutchison. Like, full disclosure, I know Doug. Like, he started writing letters to me. Like, we had a little pen pal thing when I was 15 or 16 years old. And he was significantly older. Yeah, so full disclosure, I know him.

He's someone that I was romantically involved with. Now tell our listeners who all these people are. Doug Hutchison is a character actor. He was in The X-Files, stuff like that. He was in The Green Mile. He was on Lost. Courtney Stodden, I don't know him now. We're not personally connected now, but I'm just throwing it out there.

There is some personal interest in that. what if i announced i was dating him wouldn't that be such a great question i'm sorry i'm not that um i'm more i'm more just sort of fascinated by because uh someone sent me an article when he he so he ended up marrying this 17 year old girl 16 i think at the time they were certainly together at 16 oh yeah yeah you're right she was 17 uh parents permission all that stuff she had been interested in like one of his acting workshops or something like that but like she's such a caricature figure and i'm the moment that i saw her i was like they're because i know him i was like there's gonna end up being a sex tape like her like not them but there's she'll be involved

yeah because just knowing just little offhanded things he had told me at different times when we had hung out. Do you know what I mean? It's like, I was like, dime to a dollar, she's gonna be... She looks like three horny 13-year-olds summoned her. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what she, yeah. I seem to remember her being intentionally funny. Like, she has like a personality and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she has a great Instagram, all this stuff. So, like, for me, she's a pick because... Yeah. It's a different kind of,

there's no shame in the sex tape. There's no pretending that they, it's like, no, we're doing it. That is actually refreshing. The annoying pretense of, oh, how did it get out and all this nonsense. In keeping with your theme of devastation, what's being devastated here are the old norms and mores that used to surround sex tips. Thank you. The feminine mystique.

Absolutely. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also have a new cookbook coming up, The Feminine Mesquite, which is just really delicious feminine barbecue. That sounds batty. That's a joke. I came up with it when I was 17, and I thought I'd shoehorn it in here all these years later,

and I apologize to everyone here. I laughed. I laughed. Courtney Stodden, great pick. I think. everyone here. I laughed. Courtney Stodden, great pick. I think. I love her. I really do. You have a colorful list. Lewis, it is now

your turn to make your third pick. You still have Jenna Lewis and Colin Farrell on your roster. Who's going to be the third sex tape? Well, I'm happy to upend your expectations at this moment because this is so unfappable. And I am unflappable.

I just wanted to rhyme that. Okay. Yeah. It is the Scott Stapp Kid Rock sex tape. Oh, yes! Are you familiar with this? Scott Stapp from Creed. If you want someone to be mad at you,

I will be mad at you because that's where I was going immediately next. Well, get ready. Yeah. Okay, so is the two of them hooking up with groupies, basically? If you want someone to be mad at you, I will be mad at you because that's where I was going immediately next. Well, get ready. Yeah. Okay. So is the two of them hooking up with groupies basically? Okay.

That's a little – In like the early 2000s. Yeah, there's like groupies around and the two of them are in the same room. There's like four groupies. Yeah, yeah. And I think – But they're together. They're in the same room seeing each other. That's a little gay, right?

No, it's not un-gay. It's not un-gay. Oh, see, now-gay oh see now you're reading me now you're reading me okay the important thing here is i mean it's just these two people on they were on tour together when this happened so yeah so they're backstage somewhere okay and there's like women i think they're mostly just getting blown yeah um but like it's just the most the most vile like cistern of celebrities possible like you just feel like you know like guy fury is being produced here somehow they gathered everything in the room and you know out came you know martin shkreli or whatever absolutely yeah yeah yeah they summoned his spirit which overtook like a young Japanese boy who was living in New York. Yeah.

It is two of the most odious celebrities I've ever had. Like Scott has, I think, receded in certain ways, but Kid Rock continues to be doing this nonsense. And he's only become more conservative and weird and just like a little boy. Performing for the Trump rallies and all that stuff. At least Scott Stapp, I think,

had a little bit of a reality check and tried to be a human being. Right, yeah. And also, he in particular became one of those people, someone was just on Conan talking about this, but a go-to these people suck type, like Nickelback, one of those people. And in a way, I feel bad for those people

because it's like people just choose to turn on you because it's something they can agree with their just choose to turn on you because it's something they can agree with their friends on. Creed had cuts too. Creed had some hits. They had huge hits. Creed had some good songs

that if you didn't know it was Creed. You know we're recording this, right? Oh shit, are you serious? Just heads up, man. That was what Ian would say

if he were on meth. Fuck it. Creed had hits. There were good Creed songs. Scott's time. Nickelback, I'll go down that road. I don't like almost anything they've made. But there were some Creed songs when I was in middle school,

riding that bus to Meadow Park, little Jewish me, blasting that overtly Christian shit in my Discman, or my MP3 player that held 12 songs. There was a great song in there. I'm just saying, like, there are a ton of bands from that period where they all sounded like that. And a lot of them have escaped unscathed. Why can't it be Stone Sour? Yeah, right.

Why isn't Stone Sour the band we've been proud of? Fuel. I'm sure they're better, but, like, I don't know. Were they? I don't know. I think the lead singer of Fuel became Milo Yiannopoulos. Oh. That might have happened.

The Kid Rock, Scott Stapp, Sackstay blocked from being released officially. Oh, right. What we saw was like a teaser. But we saw, I think, all the crazy parts of it. We saw enough, but it was blocked. That's why you can't go see the big official. Right. Yeah, it was stopped.

The U.S. justice system decided that it would be harmful not to staff and kid rock the president at the time said what if we didn't it was the u.n all came it was the only unanimous u.n security council vote of all time uh high fives and pizza were had afterwards it's like maybe we can make this crazy thing work, guys. Excellent. Scott Sapp and Kid Rock, disgusting. Even grosser than the Hulk Hogan one, I would say. An amazing pick. That means it's now my turn to make my third pick. So far, I've gone with the Hulk Hogan and Kim Kardashian sex tapes.

And rounding that out, I mean, I already have two of the classics. I'm going to go with the third classic right now. I know exactly what you're going to do. Going Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee. Literally my next one, yeah. Oh, such a great sex tape. Important to me the way the Jenna, what was it? Jenna Lewis one was important to you.

And as a burgeoning young sexual being, being able to look at that and see Tommy Lee steer a boat with his erect penis. Right. No one has loved a boat more than Tommy Lee. No one has loved a boat. He was on the honeymoon with that boat and Pamela Anderson happened to be there. Right. That's kind of like what that one felt like.

I don't think there's ever been a time when either of them has been off a boat, now that you mention it. That's why they had to break up. Pamela Anderson had to go ashore for a while. It's really sad. It's just, I mean, it's, the sex, it's interesting. They're, you know, they're on a honeymoon.

They're both, I mean, Pamela Anderson looks like an anime drawing of sex. And Tommy Lee himself, you know, not a terrible looking dude. And endowed with a more than adequate penis. That guy. For the ladies. Yeah. That was the very, I was like, oh.

Yeah. Fucking Shillelagh down there. It was ridiculous. A sitar. Yeah, it was, yeah. He could defend his home with that penis. But the sex was, but to me,

my favorite part, I already mentioned it, it got so cartoonish when they were just on a boat having a great time and he was hammered and literally used his erect penis to steer the steering wheel of the boat they were hanging out on when you go to vote on who you think won this podcast you think of a boat being steered with

a boner and how probably nobody's done it since no right yeah also i mean that that was like a sex tape you really wanted to look up i mean just like i mean like she was i mean like speaking of like completely sexualized people or whatever she was just the biggest sex star right and also the way people make constant kardashian jokes now i mean i think people kind of forget like there was like a four-year period when pam anderson was the punchline to everything you know yeah you know yeah that's true that's true i think she yeah she was definitely and i think she was also the first sort of she she was one of the first to go from being Playboy Bunny or centerfold to mainstream, whatever. She was kind of one of the first where it was like, okay, we're okay with this, where she didn't have to be ashamed of it. And it was something that she could keep doing.

I'm on Baywatch, and I'm still going to compose again. She snuck into the the national zeitgeist she wasn't like and she'd have to like quit like that to me I think becomes significant markers

like when someone doesn't have to she'd have to quit like it used to be like well I did one time I posed in this thing but for her to be throughout all of her celebrity

to still go back and pose again she did like I think she's done the most centerfolds right she's never been scandalized by any of that.

No. She doesn't care. I mean, I always forget she was on Home Improvement. She was on Home Improvement. Right. That must have been

right at the beginning, like right around the posing new time. She was the first whatever that character Tool Time Girl. Yeah, Tool Time Girl. Yeah.

Before Debbie Dunning came in. I'm here to provide those names. That's amazing. Does she have a sex name? Yeah. Yeah. So Pamela Anderson

and Tommy Lee, just almost a piece of Americana right up there with Norman Rockwell paintings. You know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. Yeah, it really, and she just sort of defined that era of sexuality. She was, you know,

on the Mount Rushmore of sexual beings, I think she would be one of the heads. Yeah, totally, totally. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And there'd be another head, Tommy Lee's. Of his penis on that mountain. So, again, it is a serpentine draft, so that was

my third pick. I now have to also make my fourth pick of the... Oh, fuck, I wanted that Kid Rock Scott staff tape so bad. Oh, I'm noticing something about the order in which we're picking things and what we're not picking. That's interesting. We'll get to it. I can't wait to hear that.

Alright, so this is the fourth pick. I'm going to stay the course. I'm going to go with another iconic sex tape. I'm going to pick Paris Hilton. I was just going to say, I can't believe we didn't pick that. I know. Yeah, it's been It was on my list. Paris Hilton,

professional poker player rick solomon uh one night in paris yeah first of all that was the first uh in joke porn title it was yeah yeah they're like we it was named the way like a produced porn movie would be made but it was a celebrity sex tape or the way like tommy lee would name a boat i mean it's just like isn't this kitschy any port in a storm yeah right absolutely uh yeah and again the paris hilton one not not particularly erotic but now in the age we have to remember now like what they like how accessible you know like erotic imagery is now but when the paris hilton sex tape first came out finding that there was still that notion where it was like, this was somebody, this is an actual, this is just like a person. This is like, you know, and like this videotape snuck out kind of thing when you were like

12, 13 years old, like trying to find it on whatever weird fucking website. So even though like it was, it wouldn't be fun to watch now. Like at the time, the taboo of it was like, was, was fantastic. Right. And didn't Rickomon like fuck other famous people too yeah i know there's another one yeah that's it's a it's making me mad that i can't think of it right now but um by the way i think what's also notable about the tape is there's some version of it released where he's like hosting it right like introduced like he's rod

serling yeah he's like let me welcome you to sex a chilling journey yeah oh. Yeah, I think he was the impetus behind it. But I mean, it kept Paris Hilton in the, or propelled her in the zeitgeist and kept her there longer than she would have been without it. But I think people forget about Paris Hilton now that like there was a time, I mean, like I'm thinking of all my straight cousins talking about her at some point. Like she was like the hottest woman on the planet for a second. People thought she was hot. Yeah, yeah.

I never was personally on board that train, but there were so many people were. Right, right. She was considered just like one of the hottest women in America. I just remember, like, you know, the thing I remember

the most about that was like how shitty the blowjob was. Right. I've seen that tape. Yeah, I was like, like, I was like, if I was her,

I'd just be so much more embarrassed that like my fucking dick-sucking game looked so weak. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's the blowjob of an heir to a fortune. Yeah, and it's just like, if I was her, I'd just be so much more embarrassed that my fucking dick-sucking game looked so weak. Yeah, yeah. What's the blowjob of an heir to a fortune? Yeah, and it's just like, it's like an iguana licking a fucking, I don't know, whatever they lick. Yeah.

But you know what I'm talking about. A penis, yeah. You're just very generous. Mip, mip, mip. Yeah. It was like she was trying pomegranate for the first time. Like, there's no calories in sucking dick. Like, it doesn't have any calories. It's fine. It was like she was trying pomegranate for the first time. There's no calories in sucking dick.

It doesn't have any calories. It's fine. I'm picturing her hearing you and being like, huh? Yeah, it is not. No, you cannot put the whole thing in your mouth. Not a single calorie. If you're a rich kid, I feel like you either have sex like that where you're very unsure about it or it's Caligula shit. Right. You're like cross-eyed.

Yeah. All right. So. Yeah, yeah. You're like cross-eyed. Yeah, yeah. All right. So that was my pick. Paris Hilton, One Night in Paris was my fourth pick. Lewis, it is now your turn

to make your fourth pick. Yep, yep. Okay, you know what? I have to, out of obligation, take this now, I guess. I'm going to do the Bret Michaels,

Pam Anderson. Oh, yes, absolutely. Was that Pam Anderson or Janine Ludemund? That's what I mean, yes. Brett Michaels is what's important here, and I will tell you why. Because when, like, that came out around the time when, you know, like, VH1 would do specials about

like, crazy celebrity sex tapes or whatever without showing you anything. Like, that was their big, like, draw then, like, slightly scandalous shows. Okay. The clip they would always show of Brett Michaels was, I'm going to do my best now to describe this, like Clement Moore doing a scandalous shows. Okay. The clip they would always show of Brett Michaels was, I'm going to do my best now to describe this, like Clement Moore doing a visit from St. Nicholas. He like flops down on the bed and does like a sort of,

it's like if he were in the fetal position, but on his back and he sort of is rocking back and forth, like in a kind of rocking chair-esque way. Like I'm so excited to get down and have sex it was the dirt it was like the dorkiest way sex could possibly begin yeah and it just made you think like guys rock stars sometimes are the most embarrassing people we ever will have absolutely yeah well it's like yeah you see like they're all like like you see the child they were like like that awkward like it's like well they at some point had to be a music nerd

who was sitting alone in their room memorizing guitar tabs and shit like that. Or someone that did it to get pussy because they didn't have any Yeah.

You know. Also just his whole vibe is just so like I'm a nice guy I'm trying real hard I'm real stupid. You know just like God bless him.

Yeah right. There is like a God bless him quality yeah Brett Michaels who it wasn't Pam Anderson I know there is a Pam Anderson

him thing I think it's like not as spectacular a video yeah yeah no you know you don't get as much into it so who's he having sex with

in this other one is it who would say that Janine Ludemuller Ludemuller yeah she was part of a duo it was it was Julia Ann? Janine Ludemuller. Ludemuller? Yeah. She was part of a duo. It was Julia Ann and Janine Ludemuller.

They would go feature dance as Blondage because they're both blonde. Janine was like – she was an Andrew Blake girl, like Andrew Blake movies. What does that mean? Andrew Blake used to direct these movies that were pretty much soft core, but they were like – the women were breathtakingly beautiful. They looked like just fashion models. But not necessarily the body type. But Aria Giovanni was an Andrew Blake girl.

Justin Jolie was an Andrew Blake girl. He could pick that. And Janine was. And Julie. Janine, she looked like a model. she didn't look like a porn star like she looked like she's a vivid contract girl those kind of stuff but you know she ran with the bad boys but she looked like you'd pull her out of vogue magazine right and it's like so she was like that era of porn star when vivid became big i think like in the 90s i think that was the time when the big thing was like now era of porn star when Vivid became big, I think like in the 90s.

I think that was the time when the big thing was like, now we can get really beautiful women to do porn. Right, right, right. You know, I mean, we have to pay them a fuck ton of money, but now we can do it. Yeah, exactly. And we have the war chest. Yeah. Very interesting. Yes. Yeah.

Good for Brett Michaels. Michaels and good for you, Louis. Fantastic pick. I like that. And it's a. Brett Michaels. Michaels. And good for you, Louis. Fantastic pick. I like that. And it's a pretty winner. Oh, that's right. Yeah.

Don't say he don't got skills over there. Celebrity apprentice winner. Rock God. Weird. Celebrates like an armadillo.

Yes. Very good. I could have just said like an armadillo. Rock of Love. One of the better 2000s reality shows, I would say. It actually was a good one.

Yeah. Repugnant, but I mean, that's what we wanted. Absolutely horrible, but that's exactly what we would want from it. Shout out to Brett Michaels. Sovereign, it is time now for your, not only your fourth pick, but also your final pick. But let's get to the fourth one first. Okay, I'm going to have to ask a question later. Yes.

Okay. God, I can't decide. Both good. Now I want to bring in a third. This is hard. Verne Troyer. Yes. Oh, I see.

Absolutely. 100%. Just because it was, I think, just culturally that whole thing of after Mini-Me and that extreme fame that came specifically because of his physicality. The prurient interest of people, they wanted to see it not just because they wanted to see a porn but also because they wanted to see a little person like there was like there were these other elements huh yeah there are different curiosities going on sexual curiosity but also yeah in addition to the sexual curiosity that he was a little person being sexual yeah like and that was i think for a lot of people that was more shocking than the tape itself and And that's why I think it was awesome.

Because people were kind of shocked. Yeah, right. Little people don't have access to sex. He can have a sex tape? Yeah. Wasn't it with his fiance? Yeah. But I think that's what was interesting to me.

Because he was sort of being confined to this character which was the like an infant basically and he was weirdly sexualized in those movies too where they were like he had a huge dick that was one of the running jokes was he's like a tripod right yeah they would call them yeah but yeah so that's why

I like that tape because I feel like I was like it was people I think people were it was their sensibilities were shocked on two levels did you ever see it I never I never saw the Verne Troyer sex tape this is sort of

the more sophisticated version of the Dustin Diamond take that was who I was trying to decide because it's the same thing you went the right way Dustin Diamond is a

much darker soul than Verne Troyer but I mean like I mean you can and like for the purposes of this list you can root for that darkness like there should be sex tapes

you want to throw up off the cliff but I was sitting there going like do I pick Dustin or Verne Troyer like because yeah For the purposes of this list, you can root for that darkness. Like, there should be sex tapes you want to throw off the cliff. But I was sitting there going, like, do I pick Dustin or Verne? Like, because, yeah. Like, it was sort of like the underbelly of, like, where it's, like. But the thing with the Verne Troyer one is the underbelly is, like, there's no underbelly. Like, if he had not been a little person, I don't think anyone would have cared.

It would have been mostly unremarkable. It would have just been, like like actor with model fiance having sex. It wouldn't have been. It looks like he's doing kind of well now. I saw a picture of him. He's wearing Yeezys in it, so he's got expensive shoes. But that was the tail end of a dark phase. Remember him on The Surreal Life?

I know. We're talking about a lot of Surreal Life candidates here. Yeah, we are actually. He was a little sad. He made me a little sad on The Surreal Life when he was drunk. I know,'re talking about a lot of surreal life candidates here yeah we are actually yeah he was a little sad he made me a little sad on the surreal life when he was like drunk right I know

and he was like falling over yeah did somebody take care of him was that China's season I know it's they all really do blend together

speaking of China yeah Trishel et cetera those people okay so I have a question for my last one can we include sex tapes that have not been released but which have great veracity and rumored to exist?

I welcome you to include it. Lewis, how do you? I think I need to hear what the sex tape is, but I'm ready to sympathize. Okay. Iggy Azalea and Wino. What? I've never even heard of this one.

Who's the other person? Wino. What? I've never even heard of this one. Who's the other person? Wino. He's a rapper. Now, when she first got big, there was this whole thing that there was a sex tape. He was trying to peddle the sex tape of him and Iggy Azalea. And that she basically said, without admitting that it happened, was like, you can can try but I was not 18 years old we dated each other so pretty sure

it exists but basically no one wants to touch that because even though Iggy Azalea looks like a woman she's only like 22 she's super young so that one I wanted to pick because one like personal opinions aside super young. So that one I wanted to pick because one,

like personal opinions aside, who wouldn't want to see a gazillion getting banged only after her 18th birthday, but absolutely. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like no one's, but like,

but, but, but just for the physics of it, I would love to see how the body works. Yeah. She's beautiful. Just an intellectual curiosity more than anything. But also like, because it was someone I like this, it how the body works. Yeah, she's beautiful. Just an intellectual curiosity more than anything. But also, like, because it was someone, like, it's a sex tape, like, that it was, someone was legitimately trying to hurt a woman who had become more successful.

Yeah, right. And she was able to go, no. She judoed him. Yeah. And, like, so that was also this other, like, sort of of weird empowering thing of like, and no one wanted to buy it. To me, that also, I like that for that reason, that it kind of got shut down relatively quickly. Yeah. But there was that narrative.

Much like her career, shut down relatively quickly. Yeah, but doesn't she seem like she's doing fine? Doesn't she have like six million followers on Twitter now? I hope she's okay. She's performing at state fairs and shit. I don't she seem like she's doing fine doesn't she have like 6 million followers on Twitter now I hope she's okay she's performing at state fairs and shit I don't know like already

I don't know if it's going that well for her I think I may have missed whatever I think she's the kind of person who like tweeted maybe 6 or 7 terrible things at some point

but it's like why does she get all of the hate not Fergie ever you know what I mean it's just like yeah well Fergie's wonderful

and very nice I'm sure she's lovely I think Iggy Azalea wonderful and very nice. I'm sure she's lovely. I don't know. I think Iggy Azalea is probably very nice too and yeah, I don't know what happened. I think people,

she caught so much flack for her affected southern black accent that she raps with. Which is a little ridiculous, sure. Absolutely. But at the same time,

it's like, the way people were so mad, it's more like they were mad she got so big so fast. That's what it was, yeah. Well, they thought she was eating off of, you know, another culture struggle that she had never experienced,

you know, and like co-opted all that. Although she got put on by like T.I. and them. Like that was people in her corner, you know? Yeah, but I think like there was, I was like, oh, they were trolling because it's like, let's get a six foot white, thin blonde woman. A model, like literally a model.

Literally a model, give her a fake butt and like, you know, a six-foot-white, thin, blonde woman. A model. Literally a model. Literally a model. Give her a fake butt and write raps for her. But at the same time, she's really talented. There's an unplugged version of her doing that song, Work. Work is a great song. It's really great. And she's not a god-awful rapper. She's not like Nicki Minaj.

No. But she's okay at it. Well, I don't think we've seen the last of her. We may see her on... That's exactly how I feel. It's like she'll have some sort of renaissance. There absolutely will be. Now I'm morbid, like, what happened to Iggy? I mean, she's fine.

She's still around. But she broke off her engagement with NBA basketball, not good, I was going to say all-star, but not even close, Nick Young, who got caught by his teammate. Basketball holder. Yeah, basketball, current,

I don't even know if he's on a roster, Nick Young. Well, that, I mean, that's your, Iguazalia, I'm fine, I'm fine with that

apocryphal. I will take it, yeah, yeah. Lewis, it is now on you to make your fifth and final pick of the Celebrity Sex Tape Draft. Okay, well, it's all coming out right here. Okay.

I just need to say that homosexuals have contributed so little to this art form in a way that hurts me. I just feel like we could have produced a lot. I feel like we could have done it not to invoke a cliche. It's coming. Tastefully. Oh, yeah, I know. Tastefully. It's coming.

Oh, it's coming. It's coming. Tastefully. Oh, yeah, I know. Tastefully. It's coming. And so it's like, maybe it's just a matter of there aren't, you know, during the heyday of sex tapes, there weren't that many, you know, gay, super popular celebrities. But at the same time, it's like, you'd think Rupert Everett would have had something at

some point. Something would have snuck out. Right. I'm so mad he's gay. I know. He's like, there was a point when he was like a rad celebrity. I'm not over it. Yeah.

Yeah. So recently though because we're now in like Snapchatty world of like you know dicks are out, dicks are everywhere. Yes. Okay there have been a few Olympians Olympic male gymnasts who had like some flashing going on and the one I've chosen is this Brazilian gymnast named Arthur

Nori who was just like it's like a jack up video there's no noise it's not a spectacular production. But I'm just saying, it is a ripped dude jacking off in a camera. Mysteriously, we don't get a lot of this in the sex tape world.

I don't, you know. I've needed it. A lot of it on the other side of the screen. Right. Rarely in front of the camera. Right, no, no, no, no. I mean, a gymnast, too.

You don't get much more ripped than that. I know. And also, gymnastics is a sport where it's like, it's these perfect men doing this rigid, rigid, rigid thing. And sometimes you're like, is this sexual? Or is this like pathetically repressed? You know, it's like soccer, they're just letting it all hang out.

Like soccer dudes are hot. So when a gymnast like actually does let loose and like is like, oh, I like fucking everybody, too. Yeah. It's like really exciting for certain viewers. Well, it's great because their whole lives are about control. Yeah. It's like really exciting for certain viewers. Well, it's great because their whole lives are about control. Right. It's like you can have one grape

and then you have to do the Iron Cross for like 45 minutes. Yeah. And like their entire life is leading up to one event and one games and all that stuff, you know?

Yeah. I have to wonder about being a gymnast jacking off because you must have very rough hands. Totally. You know what I mean? Just from like the uneven bars

and all that shit? Please. I mean, like you're obviously chalking a lot. I wonder if they chalk when they jack off, too. They have to do something. How is Bob Costas not on that? We need Bob Costas on that. When you're jacking off.

Real sports with Brian Gumbel should immediately do like, how are these gymnasts jacking off? 30 for 30 jacking off when you're a gymnast. Oh, my God. What if I told you? There's no dry J-O sessions if you're a gymnast. They just can't exist at all. Oh, man.

Just calloused rock-like hands. I just use a magic wand, so hand texture, no difference. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's still just like. You and your cyborg jack off sessions. Yeah, like... But by the way, I think also, I don't know if we've touched on this yet,

like athletes who were popular at one point having a sex tape come out, like the whole Tanya Harding world. I almost picked that one. That was what I was going to pick. It would have fit into your earlier theme. It's just important that we incorporate that in some way. And I believe I've done it

in a patriarchy-destroying, gay-esque way. You have and you know it's 2016 celebrate the brazilian olympics yeah yes just because they're over doesn't mean we can't look back on them fondly uh uh excellent pick arthur nori the brazilian gymnast no sound just j which is great because you can jack off to it at your parents house when you're visiting without losing any of the experience right but then you're concentrating on the noise your old bed is making which is great because you can jack off to it at your parents house when you're visiting without losing any of the experience but then you're concentrating on the noise your old bed is making which is the worst you never creaked like that when you were a kid no

it is now time for my final pick the final pick of the entire draft and I am going with I've gone with blockbusters for the most part up until this point I am now going to go with a tape blockbusters for the most part up until this point. I am now going to go with a tape that is a little bit apocryphal and also very personal to me. I'm going to take the Chelsea Handler sex tape.

Oh, right. Yeah. My former boss, one of my favorite people on the planet Earth, Chelsea Handler. And for those of you that don't know, she, the legend has it, and I think it has been confirmed, people have seen it, that she made a booking video that alternated between her having sex and her doing stand-up. God. Yeah. Same. I mean, I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Same. Right. Same, yeah. You and Chelsea Handler. I've never, I've never seen it, even if I could see it. I would watch it. I wouldn't. That woman is fine as shit

Chelsea's gorgeous oh my god those tits in fact there is oh those are real titties yes 100% real oh my god

and they're out all the time I know I love it I love her I love that she's famous and she's like here's my tits here's a picture of me so drunk

I can't fucking see straight like in fucking Piledriver playing hammered table tennis in like Barbados she's amazing yeah I can't, just from working with her

for like a year and a half, two years, for some reason, all the sexuality, like I can't even think of her in that way. It's totally weird. She's such an alpha

that it intimidates me and my penis goes deep and deep inside my body. I did the round table twice on that show and like when, okay, I don't know.

She like looks at you when it's your time to talk and it's like the wolf spotted you. I mean, it's like serious. I don't know she like looks at you when it's your time to talk and it's like the wolf spotted you I mean it's like serious it is it's like a spotlight at a concentration camp

as you're escaping it's like fuck it's terrifying I remember the first time I was on it the booker this guy Michael Cox he was like

don't get intimidated and I was like I wasn't until you said that and now I am so terrified yeah and she went out there and she doesn't look at you until it's your time to speak.

You know, like during the commercial, she's reading a magazine or looking at her phone and she almost will never laugh at what you have to say. No. Right. If you can, you're good forever. I honestly think I got hired as a writer because she thought my body shape was interesting. She's like, here's a big, weird looking dude. And then like, I turned out to be okay at it.

thing. She's like, here's a big weird looking dude. And then like, I turned out to be okay at it. But yes, I'm taking her out of respect to my boss, one of the most generous wonderful people I've ever met. And just a smart, fucking a smart, like, I think she knew who she was. She knew that she was a sexual person

and that people would look at her and see like a blonde woman with big breasts and be like, you're like, there's no way you're funny enough to go up at Largo or whatever the fuck. you know what i mean yeah so she took what she had and she was like fuck it then i am that then i am that and uh made and then became you know a mega successful person well i like i like that she just owns everything she is she's on some show and she's like oh no like i've always looked older da da da da da and it's like this thing that most women are like very sensitive about their age that she was just like, she's very brutally like,

she dishes it out, but she's very willing to like immediately also like, like put it on herself. She's not unaware of herself in any way. Yeah. Unlike anyone I've ever met before,

she's a boss. Like, I've never run across anyone who's that on like, you know, on top of her own shit and just like, yeah, and upfront about it. Like, yeah, this is fucking me.

You know, like take it or leave it. This is also a dumb thing to like about her she kind of came to be through books and then was like a comedian it's just it's like it's like a weird kind of awesome but her books were huge yeah she got the i would kill to see this sex tape like that like well what i will say amazing pic that's a snarly sex tape i can tell you i would love to see that like someone like i would just i would love to see that like someone like i just i would love to know that one booker got that she probably got a tape that was like i'm sucking this guy's dick and now i'm like telling some jokes and then like cut to like that's amazing she's probably telling the guy how to hit it in the video and making fun of him for not doing it

right god bless her i love it wait if you do if you do just want to, she was in a softcore porn movie before she had her big break, just as like a, I need a role. Not like a, maybe not a full-blown softcore porn, but she's in it doing like a simulated sex scene.

Oh, yeah. So you can find that, Sovereign. This is our headgum's gift to you. I like the idea more of like the one that she spliced together herself like as a fuck you and a booker. I know. That would have been way better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's just jarring to see like Chelsea Handler like in the soft golden light of like a soft core point. You're like, oh, that's weird. That's fucking Chelsea. What's going on here? So that is my final pick. That concludes the celebrity sex tape sex tape all fantasy everything draft very quickly i'm going to go over the uh the our our squads uh sovereign sire you started off with the rob low sex tape and then went amy fisher joey buttafuoco and then courtney stodden and uh

what was the guy's name verne troyer no courtney stodden with a... It's Solo. Oh, Courtney Stodden Solo. That's right, that's right. And then Vern Troyer. And then the possibility of an Iggy Azalea underage sex tape. The vague concept of a sex tape that I accept. Yes, it was fully accepted. And then Louis Vertel, you went with Jen Lewis from Survivor and her model husband. And I did that because I'm brave. Because you're brave.

And you should be commended for it. Thank you. And voters should keep that in mind. And then you went with Colin Farrell. Right. You did that because you're gay. Due to intelligence. Yeah, due to intelligence.

Bravery and intelligence. And then Scott Stapp and Kid Rock. What was the impetus behind that? I got braver. You got braver. Just when you think you had reached the heights of bravery, you went Scott Stapp and Kid Rock. It wasn't gay, but it wasn't un-gay. It wasn't un-gay. You got braver. Just when you think you had reached the heights of bravery. Oh, yeah. It wasn't gay, but it wasn't un-gay.

It wasn't un-gay. To quote Lewis directly. And then you stayed in the genre of music I'd rather not listen to and moved on to Bret Michaels. Right. Due to beauty. Due to beauty. Just due to the appreciation of pure beauty. And then followed up with Arthur Nouri, the Brazilian gymnast, solo jack off video. I recommend it.

And you recommend it. My draft was the Hulk Hogan sex tape that ruined Gawker. Kim Kardashian and Ray J. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson on a boat somewhere. Paris Hilton, One Night in Paris. This is a pretty solid lineup of superstar acts. Yeah, yeah. This is the traveling Wilburys of sex tapes. It really is. Yeah yeah this is the traveling willberries of sex

it really is yeah it is the trap by the way the traveling willberry sex tape horrifying average uh and then my final pick chelsea handler's apocryphal uh please book me half porn half stand-up sex tape and uh that wraps it up again you can go to vote uh there will be a twitter poll as soon as this podcast drops go to at Ian and Carmel a few people I feel like have just been voting for me because it's on my Twitter page and you want me to be happy I appreciate

that don't do that go with your heart vote for what you actually believe in and Lewis Sovereign thank you so much for joining us today I really appreciate it you guys have fun yeah this is awesome. My mind is open. I'm exploding.

I love talking about ideas. Oh my God. I'd love to have you both back. Thank you so much for doing it. Thank you. Thank you for listening to All Fantasy Everything. I've been your host, Ian Carmel.

Tune in again next Thursday for another brand new episode. That was a HeadGum Podcast.