All Fantasy Everything - Cereal (Live and Hungover at Bridgetown w/ Sean Jordan, Dulce Sloan and Anthony Lopez)

Episode Date: May 11, 2017

It's the first live All Fantasy Everything, and bruh... it IS live as hell. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Sean Jordan, Dulce Sloan and Anthony Lopez to draft CEREAL. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to the very first live All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah! Yeah! Coming to you live and direct out of the Bossa Nova ballroom in beautiful Portland, Oregon. That sounded good, like a radio read, right? Yeah, yeah. That's exactly what it was supposed to sound like. Like it was a radio program. Mm-hmm. Look out, don't

stay off I-5 this afternoon or you're in for it. A lot of traffic out there. This update brought to you by the Shane Company. Open Monday through Fridays till 8, Saturday and Sunday till 10, or 5.

Five? Five. We have fun on the Lord's Day. Ugh. I went to too much church last night. That Pedialyte's because you're not hungover, right? Yeah, that's why. That's why you're drinking Pedialyte,

because you're not hungover at all. My ex-girl why That's why you're drinking Pedialyte Because you're not hungover at all My ex-girlfriend postmated She doesn't even live here And she postmated me four Pedialytes She knows you She knows She's read the book before, you know That's

That's one of those Hey, just be safe this weekend That's one of those, hey, just be safe this weekend. That's one of those. Yeah. It's funny this weekend getting those texts at like 2 in the afternoon, people being like, you okay? And it's like it's a shaky thumb texting back, yes, I'm okay. But like a really like, you know.

I almost got in the shower wearing socks yesterday. Well I'll tell you what I woke up and didn't wear socks to this show. It's the kind of life I'm living. That island life. I had your socks on getting into the shower. Because we slept like a pretzel together. We just crossed our legs. We crossed each other's

legs. It's beautiful. Intertwined. We look like two giraffes mating. Two really drunk giraffes. And maybe like drugs, too. Yeah, also drugs. I just go like this, right? Drugs? Drugs.

Huh? Yeah. Yeah, no, I feel you. So this is all fantasy everything. The podcast that like a Krav Maga sort of martial artist

runs up a wall and does a backflip and while it's slowly returning to the ground that it came from, rippling with muscles. So much sinew. While it's slowly returning to the ground that it came from. Rippling with muscles.

So much sinew. So much sinew. Lighting a cigarette during the backflip. Yeah. This isn't a good one. That's a pretty good one. Welcome to All Fantasy Everything. all fantasy everything. The podcast that reaches its hand

into a sort of a greasy brown paper bag that it doesn't know what's in there. It didn't remember bringing it at home last night, but there it is. On the table in its hotel room at the Jupiter. And it fishes around

and it pulls out a number of items and it looks at those items. And it says, oh, maybe we can fantasy draft some of this stuff. There it is. Goddamn right. We're drafting. We're drafting. Here's what we're drafting today. Cereal.

Hell yeah. Different kinds of cereal. A little breakfast cereal situation. It's heat. I've been waiting on this one for a while. I've got some fucking hard opinions on this shit. Some heaters? I've got some crazy ideas. I can't wait to do better than you. With my harder opinions.

You can pick a bean burrito with no onions for this one too. It's hard to take a bite out of the side of a bowl of cereal. But we figure it out. Oh, shout out to the god David Borey, who can't be with us this weekend. Playboy. He just turned 30. He just turned 30. What did he, he turned 30, whose bar did he go to?

Somebody opened a bar. The girl from Martin. Tisha Campbell? Tisha Campbell's bar. opened a bar? The girl from Martin. Tisha Campbell? Tisha Campbell's bar. David, for his birthday, found out that there was a Tisha Campbell bar in L.A.

And he, like three months ago, he found that out, and he lost his mind. He was so stoked. So that's what he did on his dirtiest of 30s. If that bar didn't exist, he would have opened it somehow. Yeah. Yeah, I could see him doing that. Well, without further ado,

I've had it with all this ado. You're acting all chalant over there. Trying to work for 2015, my resolution, be a little less chalant. Oh, God. Playboy. Let's meet our guests. Stand-up comedian,

Portland, Oregon legend, marijuana dispensary Employee Former owner of a Pair of Tupac-themed tennis shoes Uh-huh With a hole in the bottom And he still wore them Anthony Lopez, ladies and gentlemen

Give it up for Anthony Lopez Anthony Lopez oh some orange juice now I have a third beverage up here and like just because I don't currently wear them as much

I still own those Tupac shoes I'm not gonna give away my Tupac shoes why who's gonna why not yeah first off who's's going to take them?

Yeah, that's true. Yeah? It was such a bold choice, because I don't, do you even like rap music? Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. Here and there. Yeah, yeah, here and there. I just remember you rolling into like the open like a helium once, and I was like, are those fucking Tupac shoes?

And they were. Yeah. The whole time. And the answer was yes, those are Tupac shoes. Ten minutes later, still Tupac shoes. Just had to double check again. How are you doing today? Doing good.

Feeling, I felt better. Having a yerba mate? Yeah, having a mate. I think coffee won't be very good for the stomach right now. Well, if you want any Pedialyte, let me know. Or some of this adult root beer over here. It's got alcohol in it. So many options. You really, I thought that was a desperation move last night, but now it seems pretty clear that you actually enjoy adult root beer over here. It's got alcohol in it. There's so many options.

I thought that was a desperation move last night, but now it seems pretty clear that you actually enjoy adult root beer. It's good. It tastes like, just imagine if you were to drink root beer, and then you were drunk after like five of them. It's actually funny because that is pretty much, actually exactly your father's root beer, too. That's totally's root beer.

That's totally the root beer you would have wanted. Every time dad stopped by the gas station, alright bud, I'm going to dump a little vodka in this root beer. I don't want you doing this when you get older, but I'm going to do it. Well thankfully this whimsical city of Portland came by and did it for you. What does whimsical mean? Fucking Portland shit.

I'm kidding, I know what it means. From my joke from back in the day. I'm 35 years old, I get what whimsical mean? Fucking Portland. I'm kidding. I know what it means. From my joke from back in the day. I'm 35 years old. I get what whimsical means. If Anthony Lopez were our only guest, that would be enough. Dayenu. But he's not. We have another guest.

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to the hilarious stand-up comedian. You've seen her on the Conan O'Brien program. Get out of it. Don't say Sloan. Make some noise, everybody. There's so many drinks up here. Even one on the floor. How you doing, baby doll?

Little cheek kisses coming in. Hi. I don't know you. And then she just, I don't know you. And then she just, I don't know you, and shoves her tongue in his mouth. Power move. I've got whiskey and ginger beer.

In two different cups? No. And lemon La Croix, because I'm a fucking lady. Oh, yeah. I fuck with that pompo moose. Pompo moose is the shit. I request a pompo moose.

With what? Pompo moose. Never heard that word in my life. It's grapefruit. It's a grapefruit. Pompo moose. Pompo moose. I believe you.

I'm not saying that you're lying. I'm just saying I've never heard that word. Although it does sound fake. It sounds like a Dr. Seuss word. It does, yeah. What you like a Dr. Seuss word. What are you drinking? Papa Mews? Lies! Lies! Dr. Drink shit out of my brain. I love anytime you're like, I've never heard that word before.

And it went from 0% to like 10,000% you just heard it. You just heard that word so many times. Oh, isn't that weird when you're like, I've never seen that word before. Then you hear it eight times in a day? What is that? There's got to be a German word for that shit. Wierdenstein. Wierdenstein.

Wolfenstein. That was confusing. We're drafting cereal today. Are you guys prepared for it? I've had cereal before. All right, good. Lopez, you feeling the zone? Yeah, I'm feeling good about this.

You ready to get taken down to the low post and put in the torture rack? Oh, dude, shining glass on you down there. The fuck did he say? I don't understand. The way we determine the draft order is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Sure, a little bit of a rebel rouse. Played between the three of you. Yeah.

I won't participate. I abstain. Whoever wins the game of rock, paper, scissors will determine the draft order. And I need to stress this. I can't stress it enough. It's a serpentine draft. And it's serpentine. So it's sort of like a snake situation.

Here's the deal. If you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Okay. And then all the way, sort of as a crow flies, but a snake slithers. Sort of that situation. The way a serpent teens. Question on the panel. Yo, what the fuck are y'all talking about?

So, uh... I think I know how drafts work. We asked you to listen to all 31 episodes of the podcast before you did your night. Uh, expletive, expletive, racial slur. No. Um... Thank you for not cussing. Shout out to Mack Weldon. Keep going for Mack Weldon.

Mack Weldon. They're not even sponsoring us. I just really enjoy their products. I don't think this episode is. It's a soft underwear. Are these the drawers you're talking about? Yeah. I'll tell you what's happening right now.

I have purple silk underwear on right now. Boxers. That's what I bring as the backup in the backpack. Did you raid

Prince's tomb? Why are you wearing that? No. No, I didn't see. Purple silk underwear. I didn't see. What?

Yeah. Living the best life today. I feel like if David were here, he'd be wearing these. He's not here, so I'm doing it for him. You've been one of my best friends for like seven years, and I keep finding all this new stuff out about you. It's fun. Big onion over here.

That's how we keep it interesting. That's the only way you stay interesting. All right, so the three of you will now play a game of rock, paper, scissors. And we go on shoot. So it's rock, paper, scissors, shoot. If you all throw the same one, we'll do it again. So whoever throws something different. If two people throw rocks and one person throws scissors, the scissors wins.

If you all throw a different thing, then we'll play it again after that as well. Two, furthermore. All right, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, Dulce wins! Now you get to determine the draft order. Who would you like to go first? Me.

All right, you're going first. Who's second? Him. You just want to keep it? You just want to go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'll go last. Yeah. And then after you go last, you yeah, yeah. And I'll go last. Yeah.

And then after you go last, you'll go again because sort of serpentine situation. The serpentine draft. I still don't know what that means. Serpentine. As a snake slithers. Slither.

I don't fuck with snakes. I wouldn't say I fuck with snakes either. I mean, if you hold them, they're cool. I got bit by a snake once. You did not. I did too. A boa constrictor. My brother's. And you think that you're finding new shit about me? A constricting snake bit you? My brother had a...

That's not even how they're made. It didn't want to eat me. It just wanted to fuck me up a little bit. Uh-oh, just to let you know. He was fucking with the snake. Snake was like, alright, motherfucker, let me show you something. I had been handling a rodent earlier in the day. And without

washing my hands, I went to pick up my brother's snake. Classic snake mistake. A few things I'm wondering. Yeah. You were handling a rodent, didn't wash your hands, and I now know that your brother had a snake. Robert Bear Blaylock had a snake. I had a guinea pig. Oh, you were playing with the guinea pig.

I was playing with the little guinea pig. And then touched the snake. It thought I was a gigantic guinea pig. It's not wrong, by the way. I am. So you think it bit you to try to eat you or just wanted a little taste? Probably just a little taste.

All right, that's close. Just dipping its pinky in the ranch, it's like, oh. In the ranch? It wants to dip the whole hand, but you can't do that. You can't very well go like this with a thing of ranch. You have to just pinky and be like, yeah. Imagine if what you normally ate was this big, and then you saw a giant version of one of those.

You would have to be like, I gotta at least try it. I gotta taste that. Just imagine like a nine foot tall buffalo wing walking through the door. I would murder. I would run up and just start murdering it with my mouth. Probably my hands too, ripping it apart. I'm sorry, quick question. Giving it to other people.

When did Pinky and the Ranch join the lexicon of American phraseology? Like, when the fuck? When did phraseology join the lexicon? Listen, I can say whatever I want.

I know you can. You said Pinky and Ranch. Fuck y'all. Like, somebody tell me. I'll tell you. It joined the lexicon Sunday, May 7th, 2017 at around 1.20 p.m.

Oh, is that what it is right now? Ian, why are you on RedTube right now? Huh? What is that? It's a pornography site. Oh, I don't look at that. Yeah, he's not really on RedTube. It's weird that they're all connected.

When you go to RedTube, here's another thing. Now we never... Are you going to draft porn sites? What was the first thing? You should draft porn sites and just have a lonely competition. That would be such a bummer. To find out how much everybody knows about porn sites, myself included. That's the thing.

We all know, not most of us, all know about porn and everything. Men. Well, there's videos that we've all probably watched. Men. There's stars. Men know. There's stars that we've all porn and everything. Men. There's like, well, there's videos that we've all probably watched. Men. There's stars, men know that there's stars that we've all seen and prefer, but we never talk about it. So there's this weird shadow culture.

You know what I mean? I like that you said there's stars that we've all seen and prefer. Yeah. Them girls work, from what I've seen. So we could all just be like, what's with all that weird stepsister stuff on the porn websites?

What? Why would I want to do this? It's very popular, but we never talk about it. We're all just here, little bag of secrets. All living a life where we all know that exists, but we don't bring it up to each other. I'm saying. And here's the other thing.

You go to a red tube, for example, and then up on the top of the website... You ever, like, try to go to, like, a porno site, but you accidentally mistype it? Never. And it takes you to an even more fucked up porno site? You ever have that nightmare happen to you? Red tub?

Oh, no! Just a ton of blood? Oh, no! Just a ton of blood Oh no Red tub Red tub So breakfast cereal Breakfast cereal And it's a serpentine draft

Don't save the first pick In the all fantasy everything Cereal draft Draft Well, it's that. Don't save the first pick. Oh. In the all fantasy everything, cereal draft. Draft. Draft. So this is like my super favorite cereal? This is the, you pick the cereal, and then none of the rest of us can pick it. We talked before the show.

I just wanted to make sure. Yeah. I'm drinking whiskey now. This is the cereal. So I just want to make sure that I pay. That you think is the best. Okay. There's a cereal called O's. O's.

Deep cut out of the gate. O's is the first pick. That's the one that's got all the... Yeah. Inside the O. Yeah. It's full of smaller cereal. It's got a ton of things.

And as a kid, I was like, who the fuck? Why? When you were a kid, you were saying fuck? Of course. I'm so good at it. I had to teach my little brother how to curse because he wasn't good. And my mother was like, ask your sister. She's really great at it.

I'm not kidding. I had to be like eight. But I could never understand because I was like, Mommy, what are these tiny things how do they stay in there why are they so delicious and she's like get out of my room why did you bring your bowl of cereal into my room to ask me that she knew she didn't fucking know the answer so that's why she kicked me out black person but if you didn't know, my mother's black. And some other stuff she makes. But I wanted to know how they got the little tasty things.

Because how do they not fall out? Yeah, it's the cereal with the little cluster. I just want to make sure that I'm thinking of the right thing. Yeah, you're thinking of the right one. The little cluster in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the little clusters in there. Yeah. I'm starting to think he doesn't know what we're talking about.

Say what? Have you never heard of this cereal? I don't think... It's ringing a bell, but I need to take a look at it. Oh, oh! Oh, yeah. He knew it had fucking cereal. He was thinking of that bit. No. How can I make a joke out of this shit?

Oh. I am actually confused by what do you mean? There's something in it? Like this? In the center of it. In the center of it. Because I guess it thinks of like a big Cheerio. Yeah. And then there are like bits of flavor shit inside the giant Cheerio.

It's a honey gram situation. It's like a honey gram. Here. Okay. Bits of flavor shit. How bad must have the other cereals felt? That were just the

rings, you know? She said Cheerios, so I'll say it. How about Cheerios hanging out, thinking they got a vibe going, and then O's burst onto the scene, which is basically just a cereal, but with all this extra shit, a bunch of party favors inside. And that's why it's okay that we said Cheerios, because if anybody

picks Cheerios, I'm going to throw them onto the street. I'm going to throw whoever picks Cheerios out the window onto the street, because that's Cheerios. Cheerios, I remember they had their whole ad campaign. It was like, look, babies can use it for their motor skills, and if you eat it, you won't have

a heart attack. I'm like, what the hell's happening to cereals? O's are a good tiny little baggy cereal cereal. And the thing is, they were always super affordable, and they were good. And one other thing about stuff, I was thinking about this when putting my list together, especially with these, is that cereals as a company, as a culture,

kind of try to have this whimsical... There's actually little elves at a factory that make all of us cereal. It's not machine-pressed. So you see something like O's, and it's like, this is like a guy at the factory just hand-pitting each one of those in every ring. And that guy was probably in a war at some point.

Yeah. He's got one of those, like, the jeweler's eyes and tiny tweezers. Plays at them individually. My masterpiece! O's. Give it a rest, Carl. We've got to make these in bulk.

Get the fuck out of here. We're going to put you in quality control. He's just pressing the other cereal in. Yeah, so Linda left, you know. Just making cereal. Yeah, sometimes it's depressing. O's doesn't have like a cartoon. Nah.

It's just a big ass O. I don't even know if they had an ad campaign. They just kind of exist. I've never seen an O's commercial. No. But everybody's eating it. Have y'all had it? It's okay.

It's pretty good. I like this. I think it's called O's because if someone's like, hey, do you have any food? They're like, oh, I have O's. Then you go, oh. Yeah, I mean, I guess I'm starving, so sure. I'll get in there. All right.

O's, the first pick. Oh, don't let me see your list. I can see it. Get out of here. Why are you looking at it? I didn't want to look at it. Why are you looking? There's a naked person over there that you just look at.

Sean, my eyes are up here, buddy. Stop. Yeah, but your list is down there. I made my choice. And what a giant list it is, my friend. Anthony Left Eye Lopez, you have the second pick in the All Fantasy Everything cereal draft. And your pick is? So I was thinking a lot about like sort of the two minds of cereal I have, you know.

Like there's the childish wonder of wanting those. And also the swing in the last few years of being like, I only eat adult cereals. Yeah. You know? But then, I'm trying to like, work in more kids stuff. But I wanted to start with like, strong fundamentals. Like, good, tasty adult cereal. Like a lot of chest and bounce passes on you too. Yeah, exactly. Yo, what the fuck are y'all niggas talking about?

Just fundamentals. Basketball skills, you know. The boxing one. Yeah. The three manman weave. Not all black people know how basketball works. I'm a football girl myself. Alright, so it's like a good left guard.

Did he answer the question or was I not listening? Did I miss something? I am drinking whiskey. I just wanted to make sure. I don't know. I'm not even sure I'm awake. Anthony, what? For my first pick, I went with Special K with berries.

Whoa, what? Which? What are you? What divorce, mom? What are you? Are you dead? What the fuck are you talking about, man? Listen to me. Listen to me.

Special K with berries? Yeah, let me. First off. Why did your husband leave you? It's like you just got your knee replaced. You're like, well, I gotta be healthy. I want to have something to balance out all the sweets that are coming later. I was nice enough to leave all the other

special K's in play, by the way. Thank God. So all the 90-year-olds... Ain't nobody picking the other special K's in play, by the way. Thank God. So all the 90-year-olds. Ain't nobody picking no fucking special K, bro. But it's fucking delicious. I've never taken Boniva. Why would I pick? Special K with Anthony.

Let's hear the reasoning. I mean, I know we heard some of the reasoning, but I need more reasoning before I can do this. Because he's divorced. He loves yoga. You have a lease on a Subaru? You know, I'll tell you this. We lived together for, I want to say,

a pertinent three years. Never once saw a special K with berries at the crib. He's a liar. This is like a new six-month thing. This is something pretty new. Gearing up for the wedding. Yeah, exactly. On the box, it says,

a good source of fiber. That's not a good sign. What does fiber make your poop stick together, right? Well, listen, I want to hear it from you. Why'd you go with it? I think it's good, and like I said, it's going to get sugary and more crazier. But I want to have one you can go back to that's just

like, I got to get to work in 30 minutes. I need to eat down some cereal. I need to get the fuck out of here. And remember you know like, I drank a lot last night so I need something good for my stomach this morning. Well aren't choices supposed to be strategic? Oh shit.

I don't know how drafts work. Like I was like, this is going to be awesome. Yeah, it is. And it's all right. Wait, can I lose this? Yes. Yeah, yeah, you can lose. Yeah.

The fuck? You won't, because... You can lose. You won't, because Anthony just took special K. But you could. Is this like the basketball brackets, or is this like a football draft? Like a football draft except it's serpentine.

Sort of like, so just imagine a snake kind of slithering. Like a snake. And they sort of go back and forth. Can a very attractive unmarried no girlfriend having white man explain what the fuck a serpentine does? You married another

fucker. It's Sunday at 1. I should have known you was here with a broad. A broad. A young lady. Whatever. I'm a feminist. Yeah, I'll get a coffee and whatever the broad wants. I could have said bitches.

Am I up yet? Almost. I'm not ready to move on from this special K thing yet. So what is it? It's your favorite thing to eat before you drop off your kid, Kaden, at kindergarten? But Kaden somehow has an X in the name. Kaden and Melly. Yeah, it's a good, like, just sit, stare, and watch the berries circle in the milk and think, well, all my life decisions went wrong. Oh, they have those.

It's like dehydrated strawberries in it, right? Yeah. Yeah, like astronaut food. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the illusion of eating something healthy in the morning. It's nice. You could just get real fruit. You could?

You definitely could. If you're a soccer mom, you got them orange slices, bitch. Put them berries in the food. That is an option. Real fruit, I've heard, is an option. In most facets of life. Yeah, yeah. Put a 9.9 and a 2,000.

Real fruit. Now with more strawberries. Good for you. Was the original amount not sufficient? I guess not. It also makes a point to point out that the berries are real, which is weird. Why wouldn't they be, you know?

I don't know. I've eaten Cheetos before. What the fuck are those? It's not a plant, an animal, a vegetable. They are a plant. You can pluck a Cheeto right off a tree. Yeah, you've never seen a Cheeto tree? What kind of beautiful world do you live in?

You got a Flamin' Hot Cheeto tree? Because if you do, I'm living at your house. That's the original burning You got a Flamin' Hot Cheeto tree? Because if you do, I'm living at your house. That's the original Burning Bush was the Flamin' Hot Cheeto tree. Shut up! It was lost in translation. I earned this. Let me just get this Pedialyte.

Did you just thumb through the fucking... Yeah. That is a man who needs Pedialyte. Did you just thumb through the fucking... Yo! That is a man who needs Pedialyte. Listen, can I just say, does this ex-girlfriend of yours that sent you this Pedialyte, where does she live? Seaside. So she lives here?

Yeah. Okay. Did y'all break up on good terms? It was, well, I mean, eventually. We're friendly now. Okay, okay. But, you know, I was hurtful at the time. I went through a lot. Okay, okay. She's trying to fuck? Nah.

Because if she was, she would and could. Listen. This is a slow burn. She sent you she postmates it. She knows you, bruh. Does it inform your take

that she sent me four of them, but one of them was the unflavored Pedialyte? Which is weird. It tastes like you're drinking sweat. So she's trying to fuck three times and then a handjob. I think they ran out of flavors. I think Postmates was like,

uh, shit, it's Sunday morning. Give them what you got. Shout out to Amanda Armstrong. Thank you for sending me the page. She's fantastic. Y'all didn't clap for that girl at all. She's the only re-in. He's standing up.

Now, I'm going to pick. I'm going to pick. I'm going to make my first pick. It is time for your first pick. Sean Team 6, Nathan Brandon says, is a fun one. Sean Team 6? Yeah, yeah.

Like Seal Team 6? Yeah, yeah. Sort of like... LaShawn James? All good. Sean Michael B. Jordan? Sean Michael B. Jordan? I like calling him Michael Bajordan.

It's like one of those social bits that gets a laugh every time. It's great. Have you seen that movie with Michael Bajordan? Michael Bajordan, yeah. He has one funny looking fucking beard, dude. He is? Why does everyone think he's handsome? The nigga looks weird.

The nigga looks weird. He looks weird. And if you didn't know, I'm black. The nigga looks weird. I am going to. I know I don't sound black on the spot. You know, training. Michael Jordan is beautiful.

That nigga looks weird. I don't say that word. He is beautiful. Weird? I don't say weird. Holla at your boy. The motherfucker's funny looking. Like, if I had him as a kid, I'd be like...

So I'm going to... Mommy, I'm not sure if he's ugly yet. He looks like a young Andre Miller. I don't like him. My first pick in this draft. I feel like we're all flying off the chains because we have so much liquor coursing through our veins. My first pick.

You do. She says holding a whiskey. Old five-year-old over here. No, I don't. You do. Now, holding a whiskey. Old five-year-old over here. No, I don't. You do. Now, I'm going to pick. The first pick is going to be, and I can't believe that nobody took this, is going to be Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

You motherfucker! God damn it! You know, I'll hold it so you can fight it. Real quick, real quick. I just love the fact that we live in a world where I can say Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a room of about 150 people just start applauding. It's the best world I want to live in. Can I get another whiskey?

I wanted it so bad. Now, the reasoning was Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The cereal, sure. But the milk afterwards. Get out of town. I didn't know what horchata was until like two years ago. And somebody gave Shane, it was Shane Torres, friend of the podcast.

What a shit bag. Man, fuck Shane Torres. What a shit bag. Huh? Shane, are you here? Is Shane here? Hi, baby. Me and Shane are gonna move to Savannah and get a house with a double-decker porch and sit on the porch and drink make-out.

It's not called Shademan Toast Crunch. It's called Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Old sampler platter himself in the building. Sampler platter? Oh, my God. We did a garbage foods draft, just like trashy foods. It's delicious.

And your boy, Shane, Sugar Shane Torres, the mouth of the South. The night tiger. In a South. The Night Tiger. Syrup Mountain. In a room with three other people in it. In 2017. Three alive people. He picked sampler platters as a garbage food.

You can't pick that. That's like, what's your favorite sport? The Olympics. The Olympics are my favorite sport. Yes, you can. No, you can't. That's not my food. Sampler platter has all the shit that they can't sell

on it. So like potato skins. Who the fuck's eating potato skins? I am. Give me the rest of this baked potato, you assholes. What'd you do with the rest of this potato? There's no mashed potatoes on

this menu. Where the fuck is the rest of this potato? I mean, I don't know what swearing about it's gonna do It's all the stupid shit The wings that ain't got the good flavor The fucking potato skins And that nasty ass quesadilla And avocado egg rolls Yeah

Stampin' platter, garbage food, solid choice Shane Shane picked all that for one thing He's a fucking genius Y'all half steppin' Not living your best American life Enough about Shane all that for one thing. He's a fucking genius. Y'all half-stepping, not living your best American life. Enough about Shane, because I feel like we're venturing into the land of compliments,

and that's the exact opposite of what I want to do to Shane. I love you, Shane Torres. I heard you say genius. I love you, Shane. So Cinnamon Toast Crunch is what we're landing on, and it's because of the milk.

You've never had horchata. I never had. And then Shane, so long story long, I guess, Shane've never had horchata. I never had. And then Shane, so long story long, I guess. Shane, we had horchata like two years ago at Ole Ole, I believe. And I was like,

this is just cinnamon toast crunch. Milk is what it is. That's the most whitewashing of anything I've ever fucking heard. That is so South Dakota. Funny you should mention it. I'm actually from South Dakota. Are you from Sioux Falls, South Dakota? Yeah, I was born and raised in South Dakota. You're wh mention it. I'm actually from South Dakota. Are you from Sioux Falls, South Dakota?

Yeah, I was born and raised in South Dakota. You're whiter than I thought you were? Listen, I'll take the hat off and do the youth pastor hair. What about this? Oh, shit. It is Sunday. It's the day of our Lord. Listen, our God is an awesome God.

Heathens. I do really like that image of someone just taking a strainer through Cinnamon Toast Crunch and being like, yeah, what's left? That's the good stuff. I've seen that. Dumping out buckets of cereal. I've seen that on Food Network. I've seen that.

Somebody was like, well, we've got a dessert and a side of Cinnamon Toast Crunch milk. It's stupid as fuck. So, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and I just, I have to imagine, since we all have five total picks, that we're going to need to move it along a little bit. Oh, that's right. So Steve Cartwheel. Fuck, I really wanted Cinnamon Toast Crunch. I've probably had that cereal like three times.

They don't have a cartoon either, do they? I thought they did. Didn't they have a little shit? Now they eat each other, which is fucking strange. But he used to be an old guy on the box, right? Yeah, this guy. He used to be an old man. He's weird looking. You never really think about guy. He used to be the old man. He's weird looking.

You never really think about that. He just looks like a cartoon man. You know, some people are weird looking. Like Michael B. motherfucking George. He is gorgeous. He's not... You got your damn right. You guys are out of your fucking minds.

You must be cross-eyed. I was born with crossed eyes. Thank you for bringing that up. It's not like I have a complex about it or anything. I had eye surgery. They had to pull my muscles. Well, it was a great pick, Sean. I wanted it, but you took it.

Yeah, I did. So now it's time for my pick. What do we got? The fourth pick. Fourth pick of the first round, Steve Cartwheel. I'm going to take it first, even though there's no way it's going to... I'm going to break my own rule, because this would definitely be a round in the fifth round, but I'm going to take it anyway, even though there's no way it's going to... I'm going to break my own rule, because this would definitely be a round

to end the fifth round, but I'm going to take it anyway, just because I love it so much. Sure. I'm taking fucking grape nuts. Oh. Why? Okay.

Yes. I've had them once. I don't care. I don't care. I could go... I love it. I could go chew a hole on the street, and it would taste better than grape nuts. I fucking love grape nuts. Guys love it. I could go chew a hole on the street and it would taste better than grape nuts. I fucking love

grape nuts. Guys, guys, first of all. God, they're disgusting. What the fuck are they? Grape nuts? I always thought they were, because I heard it as a kid and I was like, why would somebody take the seeds out of grapes? I'll tell you how good they are. Is that what they're named after?

Nigga, what the fuck is a Grape Nut? I don't know. Nobody knows. Just a fun whimsical name. Who would let them get away with this con job of a fucking serial name? I'll tell you about Grape Nuts. And this is where Grape Nuts are at. ICP raps around them on a very regular basis.

ICP talks about Grape Nuts. So that's the world that Ian's living in. It's more embarrassing that you know that than I picked it. Wait, wait. Wait, wait. Wait, what happened? I went to an ICP show one time with my own money. I paid. I bought a ticket. Yep. And so I know. Oh, you're saying ICP. Oh, you're saying it real fast

so I don't know. The Insane Clown Posse. Cool, cool, cool. They also like Grape Nuts, just like Ian does. Grape Nuts are good as hell. I love leaving them in a bowl. When are they? I don't know. Well, they're not grapes and they're not nuts, but man. Who the fuck sat in a bowl What are they? I don't know They're not grapes And they're not nuts But man

Who the fuck sat in a meeting And was like You know what we should call this? It's like a handful of pellets They knew the cereal was so good That they didn't even have to Give it a name They're like fuck it

Name it whatever Grape nuts I don't care Let them have it It's good I love to leave them in the bowl And get a little mushy And then go in there

With a spoon afterwards So you like to eat cereal? I like that. Well, she ripped your face off right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ew. Great nuts, man. what an odd

and the thing is is that they just there's no argument they're just not good they're good you got booed on your own shit I know hella

Mia Lopez over here Mia Lopez a couple of single dads trying to make it in this world yeah what do you want what do you want for dinner can I you know do you have like some food A couple of single dads trying to make it in this world. What do you want for dinner? Do you have some food?

I've got grape nuts. This is divorce dad dinner. Either that or box mac and cheese. They've got to be good for you. They're nasty. Just because they have to be. Why else would they exist? They're so good though. I fucking love grape nuts. I fuck with them.

Yeah, and I like to let them get real and it's so dense. Like you're excavating. So you like to turn it from gravel to mud. So you like archaeology, not cereal? I dabble in both fields. Was it my turn again? No, no, it's serpentine draft.

One more, you motherfucker says that word to me. So basically, it's a serpentine draft. One more, you motherfucker, says that word to me. So basically, it's just, so I got, I'm not first. It's not like cards. So I was first and now I'm last. Yes, and then you're going to be first again. So Ian's going to pick again, then it goes back this way. And, you know, sort of, like, just imagine like a snake.

Who the fuck thought that was fair? Just imagine like a snake slithering down a path. What it is is a serpentine drift. How it goes kind of back and forth. I did not flick him with whiskey. It was La Croix. I'm not a fucking monster. Can I get more whiskey?

It's holy water, day of our lord. Don't play that. Nothing, continue. I'll tell you what happens when you leave a grape out in the sun. What happens? It becomes a grape out in the sun. What happens? It becomes a crucial component in the next pick. Raisin bran. Oh, there we go.

There we go. That was amazing. Taking raisin bran. And y'all don't know that reference, but that meant everything to me. Am I the only one who's had cereal in real life? The fuck you talking about? It's like I'm the only one who's ever tasted cereal before and everybody else is like...

I said O's, motherfucker. O's is a solid pick. Kind of healthy, kind of not. I like a substantial cereal where I can eat it and then feel like I can go have a day afterwards. You know?

I don't need a big bowl of sugar in the morning. What I do need... I feel like when you have Raisin Bran is there just has to be, like, some W-2s around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just have to be, like, on the same table. I definitely have glasses on the end of my nose.

Sort of, like, just kind of muttering weird, like, one-offs to yourself while you're reading. So the serial just came with a mortgage? Is that what you're telling me? I'm reading... Too much responsibility in this two scoops. I'm reading the metro section of a newspaper. What's going on in my neighborhood?

You take a bite and like with kind of a half mouthful, you're like, oh no, there is a closer Home Depot. There is. And your wife also eating like I prefer low. You know, actually, I don't have to go all the way to Santa Monica. Crazy, crazy. And you're just talking to yourself when you say it. It's fun. Fun stuff. Two know, actually, I don't have to go all the way to Santa Monica. Crazy, crazy. And you're just talking to yourself when you say it. It's fun. Fun stuff.

Two scoops, baby. I love root beer. Two scoops. Two scoops of raisins. Two scoops of raisins. Got a big, happy-ass son. Listen, you can't fuck with a son shining in your face on a box, bro. Just dropping raisins into your bowl of cereal.

It's good. Nice box of cereal to greet you in the morning. It is. Nice, happy face. I think you like grape-themed cereal because raisins are just dry-ass grapes. That's what I'm saying. Grape, nuts, actual grapes.

What's the next cereal? The third thing. Yeah. I mean, yeah, there's not a lot more cereal. Rule of three, I got nothing. It's just sweet enough. You know, I don't need all that in the morning. Don't come at me with all that noise,

but it's just sweet enough. It's just a tender kiss on the cheek. Once milk hits the flakes, though, they just... I like soggy cereal. I like a soggy cereal. On your two extremely boring choices of cereal, are you putting sugar on these? No. You're just raw dogging.

Yeah, raw dog. You don't throw a condom on. You just eat the cereal. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Raw dog. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Raw dog. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. All right.

So no sugar. No sugar. Why would I put sugar on? I'm sweet enough. Because sugar on cereal was always stupid. Because at the bottom, it just turns into a sludge. Yeah. It never fucking works.

That's the best part of it. It's like digging. My mother would kill us. If you dig at the bottom, you're like, oh my God, there's the... Pure fucking sugar. There's what happened to JFK. You just figure it out. It's fantastic.

If you had a black mom, you'd have to let that shit go. It's too granular for your boy. It's too granular for your boy, yeah. Also, your black ass better not be putting all that damn sugar on that damn cereal. You never heard that sentence. Listen. No one's ever started a sentence with your black ass better not X.

Like, no one's ever said that to you. Excuse me? No. Can I get more whiskey, please? Today's Live from Bridgetown episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is what you need to build a website for whatever you're looking to take on this year. Whether it's opening a restaurant or like a bicycle shop that also makes smoothies and the customers get on a bicycle and that's what powers the blender that makes the smoothie. Or a vegan tattoo shop or a place that sells birdhouses,

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All right. Back to the podcast. So those are my first two picks. Grape Nuts and then Raisin Bran. Black Shamba. No, what did you say? Like Kobe Bryant, the Black Shamba. That's what everybody called me in middle school in St. Paul, South Dakota.

Black Shamba. So for my second pick in the All Fantasy Everything draft of cereals, excuse me? Whiskey ginger beer. Oh, gross. It's so gross.

So what I'm going to pick That's the whitest thing I've ever said. Is that your cereal? Whiskey ginger beer. That is the cereal that you would pick. What I'm going to pick

for my second pick is going to be Honey Nut Cheerios. Cheerios? Solid pick. Honey Nut Cheerios. You know the crazy thing about Honey Nut Cheerios. Cheerios? Solid pick. You know the crazy thing about Honey Nut Cheerios? Is that even the generic version of Honey Nut Cheerios is actually good.

Yeah, they're called like Toastios or something. Yeah, Toastios or something. You get them in the bag. We were broke growing up. I had bacon for Thanksgiving dinner one time. So I know about Toastios. Nah, I was a fat kid growing up. We always had Thanksgiving, homie. I'm second generation suburbs. We always had Thanksgiving, homie. Bam, bam, bam.

I'm second generation suburbs. We weren't poor. But the first time we had cheap ass cereal, we were like, this is not bad. Yeah. Honey Nut Cheerios are just, they don't need anything else on them. You just, you get the bowl, you get the milk, you know?

And that's it. Little one-two punch. I don't trust that bee. I trust him. What do you think the bee would do to punch. I don't trust that bee. I trust him. What do you think the bee would do to you? I don't know, man. Why don't you trust him? He's got that honey dripper just sticking it right in your cereal.

I don't know what that's been. Oh. I mean, you're ignorant. Good. Honey Nut Cheerios. It's a boring pick is what it comes down to. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Grape Nuts. Have fun, Grape Nuts. It's a boring pick Yeah, Grape Nuts Have fun, Grape Nuts

It's a boring pick No, Honey Nut Cheerios is perfect It's just sweet enough You won't get geeked in the fucking morning When you go somewhere I just realized you haven't said anything How do you feel? You can eat it without milk

Very valid That's a whole other cereal category, which is like, no, I just need a late night snack. I'm just gonna throw some cereal in a bowl. Are you teething with that? It's like healthy popcorn. You're watching a movie or something? Throw some Honey Nut Cheerios

in a bowl. Popcorn's healthy popcorn. Healthy popcorn. Oh, look at this. Oh, man. Look at this now. Bridgetown. It's got Adderall You Shall Receive. Who's trying to make out with me later? Who's not Shane Torrance?

Shane, you're the best. We all have shows later tonight. It's going to be a fun situation. So, Honey Nut Cheerios now I feel like I feel like Anthony is desperately wanting to make his second pitch oh yeah left eye

let's see you pick up the pieces of your divorce yeah let's see you get your shit back on track here she's gone she's never coming back I'm going back to my early what cereal are you going to draft before you go to Curbs? Before you go to your... Your Zumba class at Curbs,

Mr. Special K with berries. What do you mean I have to drive you to school every day? You go to school every day? Jesus. I wish your mom was still here. I'm going to go with peanut butter cookie crisp. That's my second pick.

I didn't even know that existed. I didn't either. Did you know? Y'all look like motherfuckers with money. That's like a $7 cereal. Did y'all know that existed? A $7 cereal. Listen, my body weight is 30% peanut butter.

I really wish I would have known about this shit. So peanut butter cookie crisp. The fuck would have known about this shit. Peanut butter cookie crisp. It's cookie crisp but with peanut butter. Let me blow your goddamn mind. Now Ian, I imagine that you're Googling it. Is there an image that popped up? There is.

It wasn't lying. Or I just invented the most elaborate prank ever. Just set up a just invented the most elaborate prank ever. Just set up a bunch of internet sites with fake images. Comics have done less for nothing. I feel like I could go to any store in this city and not find peanut butter cookie crisps. Oh, no. That's very much 90s Saturday morning cartoon special edition.

I don't think I've ever seen it before. Crazy. Nigga, you made this up. Cookie Crisp. Never saw it because it was all in my kitchen growing up. I ate a lot of peanut butter cookie crisp. Oh my God. It was only around for two years

is what it says on this website. 91 to 93? 2005 to 2007. Nigga, get the fuck out of here. This happened when I was an adult, bro. So, when I was, when I was what,

25 to 27. No, when I was 23 to 25, that cereal was a real thing. I was out of college. Well, that's fun. What was your, so let me ask you a question. How was the milk?

It was good. Yeah. Tastes like peanut butter and cookies? Yeah, tastes like peanut butter and cookies. I love it. I'm a real, except for very specific cereals, I like to try to keep the pace with the milk in the cereal. Break that down like a shotgun real quick. I have no idea what that means.

I like to keep the pace with the cereal. I don't want to end up with too much milk at the end. A lot of people like that. I just didn't know how to call that. Yeah, so I like to make sure. OCD maybe. I don't know. You eat some of the cereal and then you're like, oh, this balance is all out of whack now.

Now I gotta just drink some of that milk. Too much milk or not enough milk or cereal will fuck your whole life up. Yeah, exactly. So you have to, you want to try to finish it all up around the same time. All right. Well, I like to, what I like to do is eat all the cereal and then have a ton of milk and then just pour it on myself like Braveheart or something like that. I just act like it's the blood of something I just killed and then pour it on myself.

And then I get naked and go outside and walk down the middle of like a main road in whatever city I'm in. Cereal's a whole process for you in the morning. Are you always late to work? I wake up at like 3.30 in the morning to do this. It's not even like an 8am thing. There's really no cars on the street.

It's a little mascot. It's a little wolf. Cookie Crisp. When you think of a peanut butter cookie, you think of a wolf. The regular Cookie Crisp dude is a wolf. He is a peanut butter cookie, you think of a wolf. The regular cookie crisp dude is a wolf. He is a wolf, and the peanut butter guy is a wolf. Cookie crisp.

I did not like cookie crisp as a kid. Me neither. I was like, man, what the fuck? Because you took the best part of cookies and then dried them the fuck out. I'm going to sell you the driest cookie you've ever had. That's why you put milk all over it. You know what they also sell at the grocery store? Regular cookies.

Boy! You can just go get cookies. I remember asking my mama for cookie crisps, and she was like, you think I'm going to let y'all niggas leave? What? You think I'm going to let you eat cookies for breakfast? Are you out of your fucking mind?

And then I remember thinking, this is exactly what the commercial said. That you're eating cookies for breakfast? Are you out of your fucking mind? And then I remember thinking, this is exactly what the commercial said. That you're eating cookies for breakfast. She's like, get the fuck out of my face. She's like, I'm not spending that much money for tiny cookies. I was just getting y'all niggas real cookies.

She was so aggravated by the concept. Dulce, since it is a serpentine draft, this means that you, coming up, you have two picks in a row. In a row. Okay. Before we get to them, you know what would be dope? What?

If you're just like a real extravagant sort of lifestyle move with just a giant bowl with actual cookies in it. Now that's some ill shit. And then you eat that shit. That's some ill shit. Like I got your cookie crisp right here, motherfucker. Big ass wooden spoon. And it's just a bunch of fucking cookies. You just pay a cook to bake 20

small cookies for you every morning? You cook them in bulk on a Sunday when the cooking is done. And then you put them in the fridge. Put them in a nice airtight container. I bet that's something David Borey has done. It seems like

he had a crazy story about this. Yo guys! You're not going to believe! Yo, you're living your best life! We out here! My homie Meth Steve or just some weird

eagle color out on him. Did you say my homie Meth Steve? Meth Steve, Crap Brian, Eric and Fingerless Gloves Dave Eagle Colorado dude did you say my only meth Steve meth Steve crack Ryan Eric and fingerless gloves Dave I just I want to

I'm imagining always have fingers I'm imagining meth Steve and crack Ryan walking down the street together and it sounds fun

with Eric who's trying to figure out a drug so he can get a nickname yeah he's like should I do Quaaludes? It's so hard to find.

Quaalude Eric. Okay, so for my first pick is a cereal bet. Your second pick. Your second pick. You took an O's. Okay, yeah. Y'all are going to hate this. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel.

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could save. That's policygenius.com. And y'all have probably never heard of this. It's a cereal called King Vitamin. Have y'all heard of this fucking cereal? That sounds like such a horrible pick. Explain it to me. King Vitamin. King Vitamin. And on the backs was either, on the back of the box was either a maze or you could cut out the mask. Like there was this mask of like, the king would have a fucking... My mom started buying us better cereal. And we were like, fuck that.

We want king vitamin. It was the most basic fucking cereal. She bought it as a one-off kind of thing. Because her and my aunt went to the bread house. And it was just this cheap... It's just shaped like little... I think it's like Little Stars of David. I think it is.

While you're sitting next to the right dude over there. Listen, my love for juice started real early. Jesus, cereal, you know what I mean. And it's my favorite fucking cereal. And then it used to be everywhere and then we

couldn't find it. What does it taste like? It's almost like... It looks like it tastes like PBS. If Captain Crunch didn't destroy your mouth. Oh! We gotta stop saying other cereals. I'm just... You asked me what it...

Shut the fuck up! You asked me what it tastes like. Sprinkle in. It tastes like... It kind of tastes like Captain Crunch if it didn't fuck your mouth up. That's amazing because Captain Crunch hasn't even been able to solve that problem yet. And they have a crack team in a lab every

day. They need vitamin out here living their best life. It was my favorite fucking cereal growing up. Because Captain Crunch knows. They're like, it's delicious. You don't want it? You're not going to eat it? It fucks your mouth up. Do something about it. Holla at your boy. But it was my favorite cereal. We'd cut the little king mask out the back

and put the little king mask on. It's literally a white king on a box. I don't know why my mother would have... You know how most cereal boxes are like a cartoon? On the King of Ironman box, it's just a picture of a dude. No, but that's the old box. By the time I was like...

When growing up, it wasn't a human man look at him it was a cartoon white dude king but now like on the old box it was a white dude eating fucking cereal not even a plastic crown on just telling you exactly what to do like a human man but like on the back it was like a treasure hunt. You could cut it out and make a little mask and shit. It was actually really good. I mean, I couldn't be trusted. I was eight. What the fuck do you want from me? I just don't believe it.

So has everybody out there looked on their phone and seen what we're talking about? There's a chick right there. I saw her. She is all on board with the King Vitamin campaign. And old boy in the back. I got supporters out here. We on a campaign. King Vitamin 2017Bwayne the back. I got supporters out here. We on a campaign. King Vitamin 2017. Shut

the fuck up. I said this earlier and I don't think it landed, but now that we've all seen what that looks like, it looks like it tastes like PBS. And guess who grew up on PBS? Neil deGrasse Tyson is that nigga. Shut up. What a lazy name King Vitamin is

What do you want to call it? Nigga Grape Nuts is not even a thing Exactly Somebody had to sit there and think Probably somebody took LSD and was like And before you think that I grew up Poor eating King Vitamin It's a Quaker cereal, so fuck y'all.

This ain't no poor people cereal, okay? And then my other choice is gonna be Oops All Berries. Oh, that's a good one. Let me just go ahead and cross it off my goddamn list. Pow, pow, pow. Told you to shut up. Now we're getting on track.

Oops All Berries is off the meat rack all day, all night. All day, all night. I like the fact that you'll reference stuff. I'm like, okay, Sean's listened to rap music before. Oops All Berries, it's... Way to throw that little jab in there. I've listened to a couple of that songs.

I remember the first time we got it, my mom went to the... There's this place you should go to. I don't know if y'all have them here, but it's like... You know how Aldi's would sell dented cans for a discount? Yeah, it's like the discount... So it was a place like that, but except it wasn't an actual warehouse. So her and my auntie Bibbit went... Bit-bit?

Bibbit. Say it again? Bibbit. Bibbit? Say it again? Bibbit. Bibbit? Listen, don't fuck with it. Her and my auntie Bibbit were like, hey, we going to the bread house, and then we going over to the wholesale place.

And she came back with like four boxes of Oops All Berries. And I think we had to eat them quick. It was from the Dizzy Can place. And she was like, hey, I don't know what the expiration date is. So y'all niggas might have to eat this every day when you get home from school. And I was like, why? She's like, listen, it was four to low. I don't know what you want.

Because it was like, that's a $6, $5 cereal. And she got it for $0.79. Because the box was like slightly crushed. So she was like, listen, I got a hookup. But you box was like slightly crushed. So she was like, listen, I got a hookup but you won't eat the shit. I feel like they might have been discounted because they forgot

to put the other cereal in. Yeah. They messed up. It was a whole mix up at the factory. Oops All Berries was delicious. What are you talking about? I like putting a phrase

into a cereal name. Or just food in general. Like, Oops All Berries. Or it'd be like, what if it's like, hell yeah, pork rinds. That was so popular. Do you imagine, like, I feel like the guy who came up with

oops, all berries, like, after the first week, bought a fucking boat. Oh, absolutely. Well, I mean, he's like, y'all thought I wasn't gonna get it. I made millions. Get on my fucking boat. The guy who made oops, all berries spent my fucking boat. Like, I feel like that dude The guy who made Oops! All Berries

spent that first week being like, I'm gonna lose my goddamn job, man. I fucked up. I made a box of only berries. Oh, shit. And then the numbers came back. He's like, I'm buying a yacht. Thought I was gonna get fired.

I got a promotion. And then he just invented Google but didn't, like, claim it or anything. He's like, you know, I can just do going to get fired. I got a promotion. And then he just invented Google, but didn't claim it or anything. He's like, you know, I can just do what I want now. You think that was that guy at every cereal company? Walking around and being like, you know what? I'm just going to pour just the barrels in this cereal. See what happens.

What a weird thing to be the dopest person who works at a cereal company. Where you're just like, you're the shit, but you're like, it's a cereal company. I want people to know who he is. Like, because I went to a... You said that so seriously. I went to a college where there was, like, a bunch of...

Like, the town I went to college in was Gainesville, Georgia, and there was five factories in the fucking town. So it was, like, a dog food plant, soybean plant, chicken plant, Wrigley's plant, and another fucking plant, I can't remember. So I want, like, the Wrigley's people to be rolling up at a restaurant food plant, soybean plant, chicken plant, Wrigley's plant, and another fucking plant, I can't remember. So I want like the Wrigley's people to be rolling up at a restaurant like, oh shit, Michael Wrigley, prop them bottles.

Like that's what I want to happen with the cereal cat. Just rolling in with the finest short sleeve button down. And he's just throwing packs of gum at bitches. So I want this oops all berries nigga to be just like pouring like cereal on broads. Like, you know.

Pouring, like at the strip club, pouring like just, here's a couple dollars, here's some cereal. Spray some milk on this bitch. Do you think he like tells girls at bars like he's hanging out at the bar in his Kirkland signature leather jacket,

just leaning hard on it? Just like, you know, I invented Oops! What's the line? What's the pickup line if you're the dopest person at the cereal factory? How do you throw that out there? How you gonna hit on these hoes? If you just roll in like a G. I think you have some on you and you sprinkle them on the bar.

You're like, oops. It's cocaine, but it's just, oh my God. Oh my God, this is weird blue cocaine and it's also Cap'n Crunch. Cap'n Lines of fucking Cap'n Crunch. I'll take everything for free tonight but it's just, oh my God. Oh my God, this is weird blue cocaine and it's also Captain Crunch all berries. Cut lines of fucking Captain Crunch. I'll take everything for free tonight because I'm the guy that thought of this motherfucking stuff.

Or you just come in with tiny bowls of cereal like, hey bitch, I'm going to change your life. Bartender, one glass of milk. I'm about to change your whole life. They give you a glass of milk and you just dump the berries in. Oops. That's the funniest thing you've said all day.

My bad, bitch. You want a drink? You dump the cereal in there and then you slide it back to me like on second thought, I don't want that. Well, you picked oops, all berries on oops, all fantasy, everything. Anthony Lopez, what will you be picking? I'm going with Fruity Pebbles. Oh. Fuck that cereal.

No. Fuck that. No. Fuck Fruity Pebbles. No. Not even the best pebble. Fuck Fruity Pebbles. Nope.

Fuck Cocoa Pebbles. Fuck your campaign. Fuck Post and that shit. Stop saying other cereals. You just said another cereal that maybe I was going to pick. Fuck, nigga, it's the same fucking cereal. It don't taste like shit. It'd be weird to pick Cocoa Pebbles now.

Fuck Fruity Pebbles. Because let me ask you something. You ever had Corn Flakes? Yeah. You ever got down to the bottom of the box? Stop naming other cereals. Listen, I can only give I'm all about an example.

Anthony has to, he's gotta, why'd you pick Fruity Pebbles? Because I think they're fantastic. I think they're the broken cereal of dreams. Let me hear it. You could've gave me a whole flake, motherfucker. Fruity Pebbles, what do we got? I actually think, part of the reason why you

dislike it is part of the reason why I like it. The thing about Fruity Pebbles is I do we got? I actually think, part of the reason why you dislike it is part of the reason why I like it. The thing about Fruity Pebbles is I really like what it does to the milk. Oh, it looks like a rainbow. It looks like an oil spill. The milk looks like an oil spill afterwards. You motherfuckers just like sugary milk. Just put sugar and milk and get the fuck on.

Hey, that's why I gotta balance it out with a special K with berries. You understand? You're not gonna dignify the single mom choice. It was weird. Fruity Pebbles, well, I guess I did grow up in a single mother's house. I'm sorry, divorcee.

I don't want to. She gets alimony, okay? She can afford special K. Don't fuck with her like that. Fruity Pebbles, I like it. Ian, what are your thoughts on Fruity Pebbles? I'm okay with Fruity Pebbles. Suck a dick and die.

I'm a goddamn adult at this point. I didn't know that somebody could have this strong of an opinion on Fruity Pebbles. Fruity Pebbles can consume a penis and meet Jesus. I hate... I don't like buying this. It starts...

The top of the box is the bottom of the box. Like, it's so small that by the time you get to the bottom, you're just dealing with atoms as of that point. Like, this is, like, literal, like, this is, this is ions. Like, what am I putting in this fucking cereal? Hopes?

Like, I hate that. It's so little! Listen. But how do you in this fucking cereal? Hopes? I hate that. It's so little. Listen. But how do you feel about the Flintstones, though? Oh, no. I'm fucking Flintstones every. They use Fred out here drinking cactus juice, talking to an alien. I'm fucking with that.

Oh, yeah. His cereal? Fuck that nigga. They did get a big pitch man, the Flintstones. Other cereals. Are there other cereals with... Well, we got to stop naming other cereals. We're there.

That's what we got to do. That's what we got to start doing. Oh, we out here picking your whack-ass choices? Did they have the Flintstones on board from Jump? Is that why they're called Pebbles? Because of Pebbles? Pebbles and Bam Bam, right? Those are the kids? Yeah, I think probably. Oh, I forgot about that.

Fruity Bam Bams is a better name. Fruity Bam Bams. If it would have been... Why didn't they name it Fruity Bam Bams and Cocoa Pebbles? Fruity Bam Bams. Look at us up here, changing the game. Fruity Bam Bams. Fruity Bam Bams? Come on, son.

You just joined the ranks along with the guys who created Oops All Berries in terms of like the Cereal Hall of Fame There's gonna be an Ian Carmel the day he Fruity Bam Bams, somebody's gonna be campaigning for that cereal to get conversion therapy You know, thank you so much

I'm so excited that you're letting us just come eat at this restaurant tonight without making a reservation. That's very nice of you. This is my husband, Fruity Bam Bam. He'll be joining us. What the fuck was that? I took you on a long walk there.

I thought it was going to be funnier than it was. I apologize. Turns out it wasn't funny at all, but Fruity Bam Bam is funny. You couldn't land that plane. That's all right. Yeah. That couldn't have been less funny and made less sense. I apologize to everybody for doing that to you.

I think you maybe didn't have enough setup for it or something. Well, you know, I've only had one adult root beer so far today. So give me like four or five of these. You want some whiskey? I got to pay for all this shit. Drink it. Oh, I can just lick it off my face since you've been throwing it at me this whole night. No.

That was La Croix because I'm a fucking lady. I'm not wasting whiskey in your punk ass face. It's La Croix. First of all, I don't care. And second of all. La Croix, La Croix, whatever. This shit's delicious.

It's La Croix. It is La Croix. I know it's La Croix, but I like saying La Croix because I feel fancy as fuck. But if you go to their website, it says it's pronounced La Croix. Today we say La Croix. I know it's La Croix, but I like saying La Croix because I feel fancy as fuck. But if you go to their website, it says it's pronounced La Croix. Today we say La Croix in honor of the French and the rejection of Marine Le Pen. Oh, did some new shit happen? What happened?

Yeah, yeah. What did you say? What did I miss? The French didn't elect their crazy extremist, their Donald Trump, who was running. Oh! I mean, the French also had a revolution and killed all of their monarchy, so you can know that they're not a bunch of assholes.

They are, but not this time. Idiots. Not a bunch of idiots. That's how I'm gonna say it. Idiots. Sean Fruity Bam Bam's Jordan. Sean Coco Pell's Jordan the Builder. The left and right testicle. Fruity Bam Bam's Jordan. Sean Coco Petal's Jordan in the building. The left and right testicle, Fruity Bam Bam. So for the third pick, for my third pick,

I'm going to go ahead and pick your boy, Apple Jacks. Wait, isn't this a cereal that doesn't taste like apples? Who the fuck booed? Who booed? Wait, isn't there man? Lunatic. No, you're right. I knew you were a good, level-headed person.

He also let me into the after party with no credentials, so I fucked with him. See, so here's... The thing about Apple Jacks is they make the milk taste really good. You and this fucking milk! No, I like... I just... I've always liked Apple Jack Jackson since we've already brought it up.

They shred your mouth up a little bit less than Cap'n Crunch. But isn't the whole campaign that they don't taste like apples? If I don't remember childhood correctly. I mean, they taste like just raw sugar, as far as I remember. I haven't had cereal for a while because I'm trying to keep the swimmer's body. But last I remember. You drowning over here. I swim

in cereal flavored milk. That's what I swim in. You know what I always liked about Apple Jacks was on the box they were in a bowl that was shaped like an apple. Remember that? I'm telling you, whoever designed that box, the motherfucker was out here. No, Apple Jacks.

Yeah, Apple Jacks. It's fine. I never thought Apple Jacks were worth the amount of shredding they do. Cap'n Crunch is kind of worth it.

Apple Jacks aren't. Apple Jacks ain't worth shit. Yes, they are. Oh, Mr. Grape Nuts over there. You'd rather fucking chew on broken glass and gravel

than eat Apple Jacks? When the fuck did you drink all this Pedialyte? Over the last 45 minutes. Shit. Hey, man, I've been drinking all the whiskey, so if I gotta get up and pee, that's what's happening.

All right. I don't know what to tell you. Or you can just do it right there. Apple Jacks. Yeah, Apple Jacks. Yeah, I... I'm back. All right.

Well, we'll see you in a sec. I can't hear you. You're not talking into the microphone. Aren't they like a little sour? They're like a little sour. A little bit, yeah, yeah. A sour cereal. No, actually, they're not.

They're not sour. Are they not? No, they just, they... Do they not have a tartness to them? It pretty much, well, I mean, kind of. It pretty much just tastes like sugar, like orange and green sugar is what it tastes like. If orange sugar tastes different than green sugar

or clear sugar. Is sugar clear, would you guys say? It's white. Sugar's white. Anyway, yeah, that's what they taste like. That weird thought. It's blue? There's Apple Jack booze?

Get... Where do we get it in Rip City? Rip City. That's a nickname for Portland. Get in Rip City, you know, with the alcohol. No, I don't need drugs to have a good time. I don't smoke marijuana. Thank you so much for bringing that up. Just good old-fashioned root beer.

Yeah, just, you know, my dad gave up. Just good old-fashioned root beer. Yeah, just, you know, my dad gave me a root beer here and I drank it. Got a little alcohol in it. No big deal. A rooper? Yeah, he gave me a rooper. Steve Cartwheel. Do you have your third pick and then right after that is going to be your fourth pick? Why is that?

Well, it's so, like, if I don't know if you've ever seen a snake on a bike trail, but they don't really go in a straight line as a crow fly. A snake goes in a serpentine pattern. They slither. Because of that curse that God gave them.

Old Testament, right? If they weren't so gross. They don't just walk there. They bob and weave there. Now that I've laid down a healthy foundation. It looks like you're playing the piano, but there's a computer over there. He was just doing this thing. Now that I've laid down a healthy adult foundation with grape nuts and the one Raisin Bran.

Oh, gross. Time for me to while out a little bit. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. I'm taking the Reese's Puffs. I love it. I absolutely love it. Solid motherfucking choice.

Thank you. I prefer the Reese's Puffs to a Reese's peanut butter cup. I wouldn't go there for it. I was way drunker than I thought I was. I got up to pee and I was Yeah, I agree. No, I was way drunker than I thought I was. Oh, yeah. I got up to pee and I was like, I can't go fast. The thing about the Reese's Puffs is, and this, they make the milk taste really good.

It's fun. I feel like you just don't like milk. Because milk tastes fine by itself. It's fucking milk. Yeah, it does. You're right. You're right. So Reese's Puffs,

how informed me on the decision? Am I next? I just love them. They're just so good. They're crazy, too. They were just like, at some point, you know, they were just like,

fuck it. Let's just make candy in the cereal. Uh-huh. Well, the only thing with Reese's Puffs with me was like, I love Reese's cups. Like, they're my favorite candy. Like, all of the Reese's things they make, like the Reese's, the Reese. Well, the only thing that was supposed to be with me was I love Reese's cups. They're my favorite candy. All of the Reese's things they make, like the Reese's sticks,

Reese's people, the whole nine. Pieces. Right. My body weighs 30% peanut butter. But the thing that made me mad about that cereal, because we begged my mom

to get it. She's like, fine. The peanut butter didn't taste enough like peanut butter. And then the chocolate didn't taste enough like chocolate. So I was eating like... I'm like, y'all are missing like two steps of this fucking flavor profile.

And y'all got the peanut butter and the chocolate at the house. Put it in the shit. There are people sitting in the crowd right now. You're saying that and they're just like, yup. Yes! There are other people that have had strong opinions on this for a long time. Listen, I'm not reaching hearts and minds today.

It would be too sweet if it tasted exactly like chocolate or exactly like peanut butter. But it doesn't have to taste exactly like it. It just needs to taste somewhat like it. It's an essence. It doesn't have to be too sweet. It's the essence of peanut butter. It's not the peanut butter itself. It's a wind coming off a peanut butter mountain. That sounds like an edible cologne. The essence of peanut butter. It's not the peanut butter itself. It's a wind coming off a peanut butter mountain.

That sounds like an edible cologne, the essence of peanut butter. I'm like, yeah, you can lick it off my nipples. I'm not worried about it. So anything in bath body works. It's a waft of peanut. It's an allegation of peanut butter. I don't need the allegation.

I don't need the spoken word version of fucking peanut butter. Just give me the cereal. It's implied peanut butter. It doesn't need to come out and say it. Im of fucking peanut butter. Just give me the cereal. It's implied peanut butter. And I hate spoken word. It doesn't need to come out and say it. Implied peanut butter. I fucking hate spoken word. What's nice about that cereal, too, is that it...

If you say it makes the milk taste good, I'll punch you in the neck. What I was going to say is it's actually the one that the milk makes it taste better, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, there's a lot of cereals that the milk is literally changing it structurally. It's enhancing it. Solid. Valid point.

Valid motherfucking point. That's a very unique skill that one has. Now, as it is sort of a serpentine situation... Now, what the heck does that mean? So, I'd like... You know, I can't stress this

enough. Just picture, in your mind, just close your eyes. Well, we're getting there. It's going to help if you... Ian just went, and it is a serpentine draft. It's going to help if you close your eyes for this, so you can really picture it. So just imagine a snake going down a bike trail.

Let's say you were in the desert and there was a sand dune and there was a snake just kind of trying to get from A to B. They have to go sort of back and forth, kind of bob and weave. I follow. I follow. So that means ipso facto,

you have another pick. Because it's a serpentine drink. Yeah, yeah. Round four. I'm going to fight one of y'all today. You're going to fight all of us.

Hey, anybody want a whiskey and ginger beer? You do. Shane, are you still here? Here, you want this? You know, in a perfect world, you would just throw it at him.

Don't, but it'd be so fun. I would never throw a drink at my future ex-husband, Shane Torres. Yeah. Yeah, you guys are definitely getting divorced. Yeah. Where is he? He's probably... It'd be funny if you guys just got divorced without ever getting married.

Without ever getting married. Oh, keep it going for Sugar to Shane Torres. Shane. I'm already drunk going for Sugar to Shane Torres. Shane. I'm already drunk. I can't drink it. Shane, you want to come make a pick? All right.

I was going to have him make my next pick. Oh, you're going to have him make your next pick? All right. Shane, you're going to make... Sean, you make Sean's next pick. All right. But it's not that... Yes, well, I got to get mine out of the way first. Let's hear it.

Bummer. You already took Grape Nuts. What else is left? What else is left after you already picked Grape Nuts? Larry Bird's already gone. I wish I could take it again. You do. Now you tell me if this is too general.

Because I'm not even going with a brand. General Mills? I hear you. Granola. Oh, what were you born and raised in Portland, Oregon? What's going on over there? You picked the Portland version of Grape Nuts. That's what granola is.

Wait, wait, wait. There are various granola cereals, though. Which one are you talking about? I got to go with a brand? We got to various granola cereals, though. Which one are you talking about? I gotta go with a brand? We gotta stop naming other cereals. Yeah. We just said granola as a general thing. We could have just said wheat.

What the fuck are you talking about? I will break the table in half. I will break the table. Prostitution whore? Flip it. Listen. All right. Y'all seen Real Housewives of New Jersey?

Shut up. If I have to pick a specific one. Yeah, a specific one. I didn't know there were different kinds of granola. I didn't know either. Am I a moron? No, Special K makes one. Granola cereal is only good in yogurt, though.

By round of applause. No, I love it with milk. How many people in this room knew there were different kinds of granola? Don't you dare lie. All right, I'd say about half. Now take that and put it in a place that's not Portland, Oregon. That's in Texas.

Because in Texas, granola is... One thing. I'm going to go with the... Some shit you give to the kids. Texas is like granola, they had soccer practice. Let the motherfuckers eat it. You know when you had a food drive and you would clear out your pantry?

There's always a box of granola in that fucking thing. It's been there for seven years. Just give it to the poor. I thought this would help me eat more yogurt, but it didn't. It always helped me eat more yogurt. You gotta have a crunch in your yogurt. I'm gonna specifically go with

the Kashi. Go leave crunch granola. That's money though Did you just get booed? Oh, nobody wants your fucking Whole Foods $17 fucking granola It's the same shit It's oats with some bullshit Get it from whoever the fuck you want

This is why we're getting married What a fun wedding that's going to be Hey man the fuck you want. This is why we're getting married. What a fun wedding that's gonna be. Hey, man, fuck you. Stop. Attitudy Judy. Huh? Who put a nickel in you?

My feelings are hurt. I hope you feel good about that. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you soft, nigga. You know he's my... Cereal draft. Hey, man, we ain't done. We're definitely not done.

Okay, I'm actually going to change it from the go lean to the good friends, Kashi Grinnell. Okay, there was some contention. There's just like two middle-aged ladies on the box like, eat the cereal. You know what? Live your life. Eat the cereal, bitch. Two Judys.

Sean Jordan. We're on the fourth pick, right? Yeah, it's time for your pick. And making your pick is the big cranberry himself. True story. I really hope I don't sampler platter this. Yeah, what are you going to take? All cereals.

The bulk bin. You could take... I'll take the podcast cereal. That would have been funny. Imagine seeing... Great joke guys I don't know Great joke Clap it

Like Sean I'm very I was raised very poor So You know At Christmas When you get the Three tin popcorn

Yes This is something We used to do Take the caramel Put it in a bowl Milk it Yeah I know some of you used to do. Take the caramel, put it in a bowl, milk it. Yeah.

I know some of you are disgusted, but don't act like your interest isn't peaked. That's the poorest thing I've ever heard. Well, some of us didn't grow up in the suburbs, Dulce. I'm just glad that as the only black person here, I grew up with some money. So, it's breaking stereotypes. Did you just take Anthony's microphone? the only black person here, I grew up with some money. So... So you're telling me...

Did you just take Anthony's microphone? I mean, you're on mine. Tony's got to have a mic, yeah. So you are telling me... You can't pick popcorn in a cereal draft? You took caramel corn.

I'll take fucking bacon next. What are we doing? Okay, Shane. Putting milk on something doesn't make it cereal. Shane, look me in the goddamn eyes and admit you also tried that with the cheddar popcorn.

Admit it, you son of a bitch. Well, you know, the thing is... Tell these people the truth. Here's the thing. The caramel makes the milk really tasty. Oh, my God. And the cheese kind

just kind of turns into a dusty earth. I bet you tried to do it. Like you ate Santa Fe's butthole. That's what you do with the cheese. You seem like you tried

to do it with the normal popcorn but you just lost it in the milk and you're like, no, I need to know where it's at. What?

That joke didn't land. Swing and a miss. We're gonna miss. Be nicer to Sean. He's gonna be my best man. Silk Trolls is out! Silk Trolls is left to build. Had to walk it off. Had to walk it off. I apologize. That's a real fucked up pick on your list, Sean.

That is a good pick. Shane, in the All Fantasy Everything I'll remind you, cereal draft. Wait, we're not drafting popcorn or Christmas food or anything? We're not drafting things that milk can be poured over. We're drafting cereal. I'll draft a champion sweatshirt.

Yeah, right? So you're saying if you put milk on something, that don't make it cereal? You're telling me Coon Angle is not a cereal? I can't take Tupac in the bathtub. Who poured milk on Tupac? Somebody probably. Just honestly, how many of you would actually try that?

Oh, yeah, of course. Of course. That's about my numbers, five or six people. We'll meet on a Reddit thread later and talk about Trump. How bad was your family with money when they were walking around? We can either get some discount cereal, like some of the cheapest stuff, or one of those big popcorn tins. Okay, first of all...

And that can be that good for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. No, no. It's three meals in one. You disrespectful. Because everybody knows that the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, consists of snacks.

Mainly popcorn tins. We don't know who what bitch started this shit. Because trying to get tricolor popcorn in July, you fucking can't. Okay? You can't do it. Now, Ian, we still each

have at least one more pick. I'll let the caramel corn pick stand. Give it up for Shane Torres, everybody. Shane! Now, just one more thing real quick. You know, if you eat the popcorn in the tin

going one way, and then you go back, it's a little serpentine. Oh, and then he grabbed the drink. That's the move. I will have this drink. Oh, yeah, that's why he came up. Now, Anthony Lopez, I'd like to hear if I could. Keep it going for Shane, guys. Anthony Lopez, if you could please bless our ears with pick number four.

I'm going with Pops. Woo, I like it. I like the corn pops. That yellow box is enough right there. Well, corn pops also has the same thing as the Reese's one, where, like, the milk and the pops. They have a dance in the bowl. You know, it's real nice.

Because if you eat corn pops by themselves, you're like, what happened to my childhood? You see them, you see the cereal and the milk, and you're like, well, who asked who out? They're still, they're dating, but, like, who started it, you know? Yeah, it's real, like, started it? Is that another shitty joke? Yes, nigga. Is that like the fourth shitty joke I've told?

Your metaphor game is off today, though. See? And that's a bummer because bringing up that it's shitty shouldn't be the funny part. Still gotta laugh. But anyway, Anthony, please continue. Obviously, I don't know what I'm doing. Your simile game is like a... It's like a...

Say something shitty, please. If y'all didn't catch that beautiful grammar reference, y'all some dumb motherfuckers. Corn pops. They're a fun little shape, aren't they? They're like little asteroids. I was like, are these round? Are these square? And they take on the milk.

They become... It's amazing. It's like, I don't know how it happens, what's happening, I just know I like it. They take on the milk. Yeah. Like they become. It's amazing. It's like I don't know how it happens. What's happening. I just know I like it. They take on the milk. Yeah. Hell yeah. They're real good cereal.

I'm almost drunk to finish this. What are we doing? It's there's. I got it. Is it my turn? I know it's serpentine. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Sure. Wait. Wait. You went and then you went. So it is my turn. And this will be your fourth and fifth. Yeah. So you get to make your fourth and then your final pick. Wait, you went, and then you went, so it is my turn. And this will be your fourth and fifth pick. Yeah, so you get to make your fourth, and then your final pick.

Wait, oh, okay. What's it? Bless you. What's the one we call with the damn frog? Sugar Smacks? Yeah. Oh! I forgot about Sugar Smacks. But also, I'm not picking, that's I'm not picking I want the bag version

Cause the bag version was better Than the box version Aren't they called like Sugar O's or some shit Sugar smacks No no like the generic version I'm from Beaverton I don't know what that means

I'm from Atlanta The real. Oh, wait. I don't know what that means. I'm from Atlanta. The real version maybe is called Honey Smacks. Am I correct? Honey is... I know it's Sugar Smacks. I remember a comic used to have a joke about that and heroin. So whatever the bag version of that. They're called Sugar Smacks.

Yeah. Okay. The frog one. Yeah, Honey Smacks. Oh, and Honey Smacks. Honey Smacks and Sugar Smacks. Apparently they rebranded. But it's Sugar Smacks. Oh, and Honey Smacks. Honey Smacks and Sugar Smacks. Apparently they rebranded. But it's Sugar Smacks.

There's an opinion. But you're taking the off-brand bag version. I'm taking the off because the bag version was better. And it was good with milk because it made the milk taste good. And it was good. You know I like that. We've established that. I like how the milk gets stitched up.

And it was also good without milk. So if you came home from school and just wanted a handful, then you're like, I fuck with this heavy while I wash the Flintstones. They were that weird little shape too, right? They were that weird little shape.

They were like little vaginas. I knew you was going to say that shit. Somebody had to say it. I knew you were going to fucking say it. For some reason, when I think... Honey buzzers. Honey buzzers? Yeah.

Oh, the off-brand is honey buzzers. Oh, yeah. Whatever the fuck she said. Honey buzzers. Honey buzzers? Because the bag was like... My mother was like, listen, I can buy you this box and be like $5. She said, I can get you a three-pound bag and spend $1.99.

What the fuck do y'all niggas want? We were like, mama, you got bags here. She's like, it's in a bag in the box any fucking way. What are we talking about here? I'm picturing your mom saying that to you at the grocery store. Well, she sent us grocery shopping.

When we were kids, that's why a lot of times I would buy off-brand stuff because she would send us to the store with a list and money. And I was like 11 or 12 and she was like, y'all need to learn how to buy fucking groceries. Y'all need to learn how to, you know, wash your clothes. Sure. So she'd send us to the store and then we would call her to come pick us up after we went grocery shopping. So we would buy cheap shit because we were like, oh shit.

If we buy this cheap ass cereal, then this meat game could be amazing. Because even as a 12 year old, I was into nice meats. Honey buzzards. I want to get two corgis and name them Fruity Bam Bams and Honey Buzzards. That's fucking amazing. Okay, and then I have a... Wait, how do I have another choice? Doesn't it just go to you?

No, no, it's a serpentine. It's actually... I'm going to throw a drink on somebody. It's going to be the LaCroix because I bought way too much whiskey today. Have you had any whiskey today? Shut the fuck up! If I didn't respect that microphone so much,

I wouldn't throw this whole glass on you. Serpentine. Nigga. I got another choice. Your final pick. Ugh. Oh, that sounded... Okay, okay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. He said that one. I'm going to have to go with Rice Krispies. That's a good one. Because the versatility of the Rice Krispie cannot. That's a good one. Because the versatility of the Rice Krispie cannot be matched by anybody. Because not

only can you eat the shit, not only can you make delicious treats, but you can construct beautiful cakes. And every fucking show on Food Network has shown us that Rice Treats, you can make a penguin, a fucking mountain, anything, a teddy bear, anything.

Ace of Cakes, all that nigga does is make shit out of rice crispy treats. It's got an audio component to it. That's pretty sweet. Right, and then they had a whimsical trio of white men telling you to buy this shit. Snack, Crackle, and pop. Come on, son.

You can make anything with Rice Krispies except a decent breakfast. It's a trash cereal. You gotta eat it quick, though. He's not wrong. You gotta eat it fast. You have to eat it fast, because once it's soggy,

you're like, oh my God, I'm poor. So you can't have a conversation like you got to eat it during a commercial break of animaniacs their biggest selling point is the sound it makes that's what that's what they're led with what nobody thinks about is fried fucking rice it's like you can make your if you take rice and drop it in hot grease you made Rice Krispies you can literally make it at home for all of you people that really try to eat healthy, paleo, vegan

no preservatives we make our own Rice Krispies that's what y'all sound like to me I'm just helping America or Portland whatever they're not even a cereal to me Rice Krispies has a real old tone of the century feel to it or Portland whatever they're not even a cereal to me it's an ingredient

Rice Krispies has like a real like old tone of the century feel to it it was like people had no entertainment at all

and they were like well you can like listen to the cereal while you eat it you know it's like the same type of thinking

that like like the white snow globes was such like an absurd concept in 2017 like people used to just have nothing and they would be like just stare at I was thinking that like the white snow globes was such like an absurd concept in 2017. Like people used to just have nothing and they would be like,

just stare at this little village and think like what's going on in there, you know? Like people used to, they used to not be real entertainment. So it'd be like snow globes and like listen to your cereal pop and be like, it's almost like it's saying something to me. Okay, then maybe I should have picked Rice Krispie Treat cereal.

You should have. Maybe I should have picked that. But the verse it took, because my ex, we don't like each other. Yeah. But the only reason we ever really hung out is because the desperation. And I would make. What if this never circles back to cereal? No, he was the first

couple weeks we started dating and I went over his house the first couple times and he asked me to make him Rice Krispie Treats. So we would do like these different recipes. Like he's like, okay, we're gonna put Heath chips in it and butterscotch chips and all this other shit. Like the nigga hated me, but I gave a good blowjob and made Rice Krispie Treats. So I was around for eight

fucking years. It feels like... Wait, Golden Puff. Is that the name of the... It's Golden Puff. That's what I was talking about. What we gotta do is we gotta... Not Honey Buzzards? No, I'm talking about the... Because she said Honey Buzzards, but that's not the generic brand

I had. I had Golden Puff. It feels like Rice Krispies were invented during the Dust Bowl. Yeah. That's definitely a depression cereal. They were like, we don't have wheat. We got all this rice. Fuck. Can we eat it with milk? It was invented

to cure dropsy or some weird disease like that. My baby has whooping cough. What fucking cereal? It's really like my son's masturbating too much. Give him this bland thing. That Quaker movement. This will get rid of those boners.

Do some graham crackers. Eat the rice. Just for the sake of time. Anthony Lopez. Almost as mad as I was for naming my son Anthony. Okay, I'm going to go pee again. All right.

All right. So, I mean, a lot of good ones have been said. But this is my last pick, right? Yep. I think I'm going to go with Lucky Chomes. Oh! Bring it on! There we go.

There we go. Boo! Boo! You just picked Rice Krispies! Boo! You're booing Lucky Chomes! Because here's the thing. Lucky Charms is the best of both worlds.

It makes the milk taste good, and the milk makes it taste better, right? It covers all your bases. Boo! You get... Boo! No way. You get some healthy stuff in there. You get some kind of marshmallow thing that's probably still in me.

Boo! Like probably still in the colon. A bunch of those marshmallows are backed up. Yeah, I like them. Marshmallows is nasty. Dehydrated marshmallows is extra nasty. And that fucking cereal tastes like chalk.

Yup. No, I disagree. I like it. And you cannot make them into... I don't even like marshmallows, but I like Rice Krispies. That fucking cereal. You know the dust at the bottom of the bag? Broken dreams, nigga. There's no way that's like,

cocaine's probably better for you than that. That Lucky Charms dust? The dust at the bottom of that bag is the dust that covers the entire fucking cereal. So when you pour it in milk, you're like, oh my God, this is the entire fucking cereal. So when you pour it in milk, you're like, oh my God, this is the dusty fucking cereal. And then somebody just poured chalk powder

in the fucking box and was like, they'll never know. What's everybody's favorite marshmallow from it? The red balloon. Yeah, red balloon. Yeah. I had to eat this shit at my uncle's house and I would pick the marshmallows out

and throw them at my brother. Didn't they throw in a new marshmallow at some point? Always. They threw in a like, because it was, wait, wait, see if y'all can do it. Hearts, clovers, horseshoes. Horseshoes.

Rainbows and balloons. Pots of golden rainbows. Stars. The stars. See, fuck. I have star tattoos. I need to remember that. The stars. See? Fuck. I have star tattoos. I need to remember that. Moons.

See? Fuck your cereal, bruh. Look at this variety. Look at all this amazing thing. Look at the way people just came together. But we are because like we came together.

Okay. Name me everything in Rice Krispies. Rice Krispies? We done, nigga. We out here building full castles and shit When you mix it with marshmallows It's versatile as fuck

I'll tell you what's in Rice Krispies A spoon I'm never picking up I can't tell you Mike Rice Krispies Because I'm a crafter And I like crafting And I like the fact that you can turn that cereal into stuff. I picked it before its construction mobility. Not for flavor at all. Lucky Charms, when they added the red balloon, it was because of the French.

That French movie. The red balloon song. What artsy motherfucker was like Al Bell we will add another marshmallow I've seen a film

and had a revelation like hey man get the fuck out of my office I'm gonna go ahead and I'm gonna go ahead and pick number five

yeah okay and I'm listening I gotta pee sorry oh it's okay I'm listening. I gotta pee. Sorry. Oh, it's okay. I'm gonna go ahead and pick Waffle Crisp.

Oh, a little bit. A little bit? A little bit? Let me take a look at Waffle Crisp. Boo, nigga, boo! Huh? Why? What's wrong with it?

Anthony, do you not know what Waffle Crisp is? No, it looks to... I can't hear you. You don't have a microphone. I can hear you. It looks like if you watched a movie and they needed to make a fake cereal box for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it looks like you'd be in a movie and you'd be like,

well, that just took me out of this movie. That cereal doesn't fucking exist. There's no truth in this. This is bullshit. Like, if cereal you could order at a bar, somebody would walk in and be the equivalent of like, let me get some cereal, like somebody ordering a beer.

Hey, let me get a beer. Listen, why would I want the whacker version ordering a beer. Hey, let me get a beer. Listen. Why would I want the whacker version of a pre-existing breakfast as a cereal? Bruh. You guys can all fuck off. That's almost like... It's such a good cereal.

Oh, you don't have to pee anymore? No, I have to shit on your lifestyle. I very much have to pee. This is a horrible fucking choice. I tried waffle crisps. Because I got one. I tried waffle Krispy. I remember this bullshit because it was always on sale. Yeah, we were broke.

Because nobody ate it. We were broke when I was a kid. Yeah, we weren't. And my mother was like, hey, y'all little niggas want to try this broke ass cereal? I'm like, yeah, we could try. And we didn't finish it. You know what? I was like, mommy.

She's like, girl, you can throw that away. It's not good. I don't even. Because this is the thing. Like, didn't it have holes in it? Yes. No? They like waffle crisps.

It was made to look like. Wait, wait, wait. Yeah. Honeycomb knockoff. Honeycomb knockoff. No. Do I have to fight every motherfucker in this building? It was only women speaking to you, motherfucker.

You're going to fight women over cereal in 2017? You're going to be the first one. And you're probably going to win. Shane, sit your fucking punk ass over there Shane When I whoop this motherfucker's ass Put it on Instagram I won't even break a nail either

Fuck you Listen Just for the sake of time Punk ass cereal My final pick It's gonna be good, I'm going to pick Of the cereal all All Fantasy Everything. Serial All Fantasy Everything.

Before you do that, you guys are amazing. Thank you so much. You guys are all fun. So much for coming out. I'm just realizing now this would have been a fun thing to just moneyball this entire draft and just do the generic ones of good serial. So it's really about

maximizing your talent you get. If we were doing an auction rather than a serpentine draft, we could have. But alas, it is a serpentine draft. The final pick. Golden grams.

That's a good pick. Waffle crisp, I gotcha. Yeah, it is fantastic. I got you. Golden Grahams. Yeah, it is fantastic. I like cereals that don't promise a flavor, really, but more of an idea. Right. Like a place you're going to know. Like, golden just feels nice, and that's what the cereal's going to get you. You know?

It's just... Golden Grahams, texture like sun. You know, that's why I have a vibe. Yeah. Yeah, I have a vibe. Yeah. I love golden grams. They were the gram flavor. Golden grams, since that was the last pick, s'mores were like golden grams

with the marshmallows in them, right? Isn't that what s'mores were? Probably, yeah. That would stand to reason. So golden grams are, I think, the only cereal to venture into another cereal, like a side product. What? Does that make any sense?

No. Well, Golden Grahams, and then there's s'mores. Golden Grahams went into the s'mores box. We literally drafted oops-all berries. Yeah, dude. That's a Captain Crunch. Welcome to fucking cereal. This is what they do.

Cereal gets around, man. They don't fucking, they don't give a shit. You're absolutely right. There's no rules. There's no sanctity in cereal anymore. I don't have a lot else to say about Golden Crams other than just they're delicious. Hey, it's fantastic.

Hell yeah. What's that one cereal with the real smooth jive talking bear? Did you say jive talking? Yeah, it was... What was it called? Golden Crisp, which is another

version of Honey Smacks. So Golden Crisp was a name brand version of Sugar Smacks. Golden Crisp? Yes. I don't know what's going on. It is called Golden Crisp.

Remember Golden Crisp? Yeah. Thank you. It's in that gold box with the blue letters. It's just got that real laid back Bing Crosby ass bear telling it to you. Nah, that was a black dude. Fucking Barry White, the cereal mascot. I was thinking about cereal mascots, when you brought up apple smacks earlier, sugar smacks.

For some reason when I think of cereal, I think of that frog. I don't know why, he is like the mascot to me. Because it was, can't get enough of that sugar smack, and then he's gone. Do y'all not remember that fucking frog? Yeah, yeah Alright, did I sing it wrong? Because I don't know Back when frog cartoons used to be on the side of good

No, now Oh, yeah Michigan J-Frog is just out like You motherfuckers How dare you do this to me and my brain So with the conclusion of the draft Here's how it went down The list?

Yeah, the list. They'll say you took O's, and then King Vitamin, and then Oops All Berries, and then the one with the damn frog, but the bag version. I think it was Golden Crisp is what I was trying to say.

And then Trash Crispies? Oh, yeah. Chingado. No way. A-Lo, you want Special K with berries? And you want to shit on me? You were born 90 years old. And then you went with osteoporosis medicine? Boniva in the space. My hips hurt.

Then you went with a peanut butter cookie, crisp, fruity pebbles, pops, and lucky charms. Got a good variety there. It's a good spread. All Saturday morning choices. Sean won. You went with cinnamon toast crunch. Goddamn right.

Honey nut Cheerios. Goddamn right. Apple jacks. Goddamn right. And then Shane picked a bowl of caramel corn with milk on it. I love you, Shane! I forgot about that. You'll never have to eat like that again.

I got you. And then you were so shook by Shane doing that that you fucked around and took a waffle, Chris. You can be poor on your own. That ain't got nothing to do with me. Rich Homie Carms went with grape nuts. Making fun of me for waffle crisp

and you just said grape nuts for like the fifth time today. You need to come up with a good dish for fucking Ian. Grape nuts, Raisin Bran, Reese's Puffs,

Kashi Good Friend Cereal. You hit him with the deep cuts. Uh-huh. Hit him with the deep cuts. And then Golden Grimms. Golden Grimms, hell yeah. There's the draft. That's it.

How do we know who won? Did my team win? Everybody's going to vote on it on Twitter. If I put a poll. Twitter? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we on Twitter. Don't worry, you didn't win. Uh...

Hey, man, fuck you. Which is my favorite way to tell people to fuck you. Like, hey, man, get their attention. Fuck you. So they heard you, so they're not confused who you're talking to. It's all about timing. Guys, thank you so much for coming to the first mile. Thank you so much. All things the first live All Fantasy Everything.

Keep it going for Dulce Sloan. Anthony Lopez. For Sean Jordan, I'm Ian Carmel. Thank you, guys. Tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! Oh yeah!

Oh yeah! That was a HeadGum Podcast.