All Fantasy Everything - Christmas Songs! (w/ Sean Jordan, Becky Robinson and John McKay)

Episode Date: December 22, 2016

Happy Holidays! On this AFE we draft Christmas songs. I'd write a more flowery description but I have to pee. So, here it is! I'm joined by comedians Sean Jordan and John McKay and Wilin' Out's Becky Robinson! Woo! Fuck I have to pee. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. I am your host. The size of this divot. Ian George Carmel. We're discussing how dudes have divots in their legs, which is just a real thing. That's not the draft we're doing, but we're just talking about it. We were talking about it before the recording, and it's leaked into the podcast itself. The wording of it is just so beautiful, and it's like, yeah,

there's no truer thing. Dudes do have divots. Dudes have divots in their legs. I don't even know what you guys are... I must be flawless. He's got a chunk out of his leg. Don't you have, like, dents just in your leg and stuff? How'd you do that? Oh, I was playing swords. Your shinbone? My shinbones. I got a big chunk out of my leg right there. You see how?

I did it. Well, yeah, that's different. Well, I have dents all up and down my shin bones. It's called living life. Living life. I got a big dent in my hand right now. Yeah, giant hand dent. I'm going to turn hike in Griffith.

Next thing I know, I'm on a rock face fucking cascading down the goddamn thing. And there's a guy like, babe, let's mount this. I was like, good luck. I'm just bleeding like I had a man in my life. You were bleeding in the Griffith Park? Nobody was calling you babe. He was calling his girlfriend babe, and I was just a bystander.

You were just a bystander screaming, I'm bleeding. Call me babe. Just a wounded bystander. Let me introduce you guys so that we can continue with the thrilling tale of Becky's near-death experience at the Griffith Park Exhibitory. I hope it involves a cougar at some point.

By the way, I don't hike. Today we are drafting Christmas songs. And here to join me, because it is the holiday season, for God's sake. We did it. Oh, my God, we're here. Huh? Might as well celebrate it. Thank God.

Here to thank God and his son. No way. No way if you're inweh. Strong big Jesus. We are joined today by podcast favorite Sean Jordan is here. Hey. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram. Sean, a.k.a. Big Divot out of the shin.

A.k.a. Big Divot. Okay, I got excited. It sounds like you're going to say Big Dick. Big Dick Daddy. Big Dick Daddy. Big Dick Divot. That's what the div it sounds like you're gonna say big dick big dick daddy big dick daddy big dick divot that's what the divot is from is a big dick whoa yeah i hit my shin one time yeah i rocked up too hard and it swung down like a pendulum hit my shin and yeah killed a guy sliced right through a guy who was standing nearby actually boy have i seen a few pendulum dicks in my day right sure love a pendulum uh the person who's seen a few pendulum dicks in my day. Right. Sure. Love a pendulum dick. Who hasn't? The person who's seen a few pendulum dicks in her day, currently eating popcorn directly into the microphone.

Sounds like quiet. There it is. In real time. Fabulous comedian. I'm going to call you fabulous. Fabulous comedian. Oh, thank you. Fabulous cast member on MTV's Wild On Out.

Also true. Portland, Oregon. Yeah. Native. Tigard. Well, come on. I used to work in Tigard. Also true. Portland, Oregon. Yeah. Native. Tigard. Well, come on. I used to work in Tigard. People don't know Tigard.

People don't know Tigard. Beloved daughter of the Rose City. Becky Robinson. Hi, how are we? Future sister-in-law of mine. Oh, Ian's going to marry my older sister, Sarah. Are you going after Sarah, too? I'm not going after anyone.

Everybody's going after my big sister. Are you? I'm not, actually. It's a running joke we have. Are you, after Sarah, too? I'm not going after anyone. Everybody's going after my big sister. Are you? I'm not actually. It's a running joke we have. Are you though? No, totally. I was just joking as well. You guys, Sarah is a sweetheart.

She's the middle sibling, so she's very empathetic. Same here. Caring, and she's also a nurse. Yeah, she is. So she can... She knows. I mean, look. I wish you both the best and good luck.

I'm not actually in pursuit of anyone, so John, I wish you good luck. Ian, I'm in your corner. Thank you. I find your family lovely, and you as well, part of them. Where can people follow you on Twitter? At Becky Robinson? At Becky R. Robinson. Becky R. Robinson.

Instagram, Becky Robinson. For YouTube, the Becky channel. Yeah, the Becky channel on YouTube. Do you do stuff on Snapchat, too? Yeah, Snapchat's at Becky R. Robinson. Instagram, Becky Robinson. For YouTube, the Becky channel. The Becky channel on YouTube. Do you do stuff on Snapchat too? Yeah, Snapchat's at Becky Rob. I have a different handle on everything. Your Snapchat handle's Morris Chestnut, I thought. Yeah, what about kick?

At the real Tyrese. Osama bin Laden. Osama. Oh my God, can you tell me, before we get to John, tell the story. You didn't want to get into it? You have to tell the story. Well, I can't.? You didn't want to get into it? Sorry about that. You have to tell the story. Well, I can't. Okay.

Well, I can't not bring it up. Right. It's consuming me. Make sure you talk into that microphone when you tell the story. I will. They are sensitive. Okay, sorry. It's all right.

Sure. So. Yes. Sure. I had an event occur. At some point. In my lifetime. In your point. In my lifetime. In your life.

In my 21. Oh, 200 hours. At some point in my 21 years of living on this earth, I had a rebound. Yes. How long ago was this? It was the best rebound I've ever had in my life because he's the guy who killed Osama bin Laden. Sure. Becky, you shtupped.

It's a better credit than my TV credit. It really is. It's a better credit than anyone's TV credit. And then he killed them. And our next guest is the gal

who welcomed him, the killer of Osama bin Laden. You're the only one. I think you're the only girl he's ever texted. What was he dealing with downstairs? Was it a SEAL Team 6 or bigger? SEAL Team 6.

A Becky memoir. SEAL Team 6. SEAL Team 6. Becky, after he, did he say, forgotten country, Geronimo? Oh, yeah.

Did he say, let's move out? Did you even, that's what they said. That's what he said when he killed Osama bin Laden. He said, Air Force One's waiting outside.

I gotta go. Oh, my God. No, I said that to him. He said Air Force One's waiting outside. I got to go. Oh, my God. No, I said that to him. You said that because you are the president-elect. Surprisingly enough, not much of a cuddler. Was he just up staring out the window making sure nobody was trying to get in? Do you do sit-ups while you were fucking? My roommate came in the next morning.

She goes, I just wanted to let you know, Bex, of all the men you've had over, this is the safest I've ever felt in our apartment was he the next morning was he like you want some eggs or you just want to hear about me killing uh osama bin laden yeah do you want that for breakfast i want that for breakfast i would fuck the guy who killed osama bin laden sure he did a solid pretty big female equivalent there's not picture laying in the comfort of your own bed and hearing the firsthand account of killing Osama bin Laden. Crazy thing is, too, he was so obnoxiously nice that you're like, I don't believe you've ever killed somebody, but I'm glad you did.

No one ever suspects it. Good on you, chief. That's how he got in there. He charmed his way in. That's right. They were like, he's just here for the latkes yeah how was was he good and bad great dick god i love that yeah good yeah it's because uh yeah is anyone surprised by that here's the thing that's pretty shitty is that his friend who was also seal team six was with him

when it happened was his main man he's right right behind him, I guess, when he shot him. Yeah. And his friend was your classic textbook hottie. Sure. He looks how my friends in LA look. Yeah. I was like, wow. Thank you.

Yeah, we're all good. I'm glad we're such good friends. Thank you. I'm going after this guy. And then somebody that I know was like, what are you doing? You know what to do. Yeah. Why would you?

You got your own pep talk. It was Zero Dark Thirty and you had a mission. Yes. Next thing I know, snake boots are in my home. Snake boots. Of course you had snake boots.

Not real nice. That was actually made from the skin of Osama Bin Laden who had snake skin. Yeah. Pics or it didn't happen. Pics or it didn't happen. Did you take a fun Snapchat in bed

the way sometimes NBA players get caught? I didn't. And that's so me too to do that and I didn't happen. Yeah, pick. Make sure it didn't happen. Did you take a fun Snapchat in bed the way sometimes NBA players get caught? I didn't. And that's so me too to do that and I didn't. And the biggest thing that I can't stop thinking about now is like, because I'm in a group text with my family.

Are you? Yes, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's one of those things where I'm like, we update each other on things and it's one of those things where I'm like,

I would never update them on somebody that I banged but I'm like, I feel like this is weird. I kind of think they would want to know. I know. I know. Let them know. things where I'm like, I would never update them on somebody that I banged. But I'm like, I feel like this is weird. I kind of think they would want to know. I know. I know. Let them know.

And my friend's like, why don't you just text them and say you made out? And I'm like, it's not good enough. That's not good enough. Your sister listens to this podcast as part of it. Oh, you mean Sarah? Yeah, Sarah. Yeah, yeah. So it's going to be perfect.

They'll find out anyway. Have you guys got him for her? Sarah? I'm certainly not. Gentleman's race? No. I'm in a happy situation. I'm absolutely not.

I'm just looking to be there for her if she needs me. Oh, sure. I just want to go to y'all's wedding. You know what I mean? Or your wedding. I just want to meet the family. I just want to meet another prominent Pacific Northwest family. You're already family.

You're family too, brother. This person here who is family, is there any more Osama bin Laden? Yeah, Becky, are you done talking about your fuck story? I'm sure I'll bring it up intermittently throughout the podcast. God, I hope so. We're talking about Christmas songs. We're talking about Christmas songs. I assume it'll come up.

The other guest joining here today, not lifelong friend, but comedy lifelong friend of mine. Comedy lifelong friend. Comedy lifelong friend of mine. Wonderful stand-up comedian, director. I on you if you i appreciate you were doing that for a minute hot sec hot second uh screenwriter fucking g g'd up from the feet up damn thank you son son of seattle washington yeah but nobody's perfect john mckay thank you at john l m L. McKay on Twitter. At John L. McKay. John Larkin McKay. I just want to say, too, that Portland is better than Seattle now.

Thank you so much. Thank you. It is better than Seattle now. It really is. But yeah, it's definitely better than Seattle. Certainly since the Sonics left, it's been better. And did you ever think I would say that? No, I didn't.

That's amazing. What made you say that? What changed in your life recently? I was there for that wedding last weekend. You were in Portland. You were. He's only saying that because he met a hot little young tot. Oh.

If John did not meet a cute girl, he'd be like, nah, Seattle's still the best. Was it a cute girl? One, yes, I did meet someone. No, not from Tinder. And just Portland is just, I want to know why. Yeah. It just, it feels like how Seattle used to feel seattle used to feel like that then i would have loved seattle a while ago here's how fun portland is we were there at the same time and didn't see each other no no but we communicated we did communicate you were there for a wedding i was getting drunk for other reasons it was perfect

uh i saw the sites you saw sites. Went to a little place called Casa Diablo. Casa Diablo, the only vegan strip club. Well, the... Sassy's? Other than the other Casa Diablo. Other than the other one

in Portland. Isn't there one called Sassy's? There is. Sassy's is fun. Not vegan. Not vegan. A lot of meat. Dante's.

Oh, not a strip club. Looks like it. Dante's is just a bar that has fire at it. It's insane that Dante's isn't a strip club. Dante... I fucks with Dante's. I've done some shows. Dante's is just a bar that has fire at it. It's insane that Dante's is a strip club. I fucks with Dante's. I've done some shows at Dante's. Thank you for having me.

I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for having me. Thank you for having me and hosting my comedy. Dante's. I saw somebody the other day at the airport wearing a Dante's shirt. Did you really? Yeah.

I have a Mary's Club jacket I fuck with every now and then. Portland's oldest strip club. Yes. I have a Bible I fuck with sometimes. So why don't you guys have fun in hell. Have fun burning in hell. By the Brody. Yeah, by the Brody Peter. Sure.

The home of my comedy. You're going to burn your socks and I'm going to burn your dick. So that is who we're fucking with today. What we're fucking with today, the PBX carpet socks are out. Sean Jordan, native of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Sioux Falls, South Dakota. They don't have Sioux Falls, South Dakota socks.

But love it. Becky Robinson, no socks. They got a hole in the big toe. So large. So large you would drive a Buick through it. No divots. No divots in those legs.

Today we are drafting Christmas socks. We are drafting Christmas socks. Now, to determine the order of this draft, you three will play a game of rock, paper, scissors, and you go on shoot. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.

I will call it. If either of you double up, then the person who doesn't double up wins. We'll play rock, paper, Osama. Rock, paper, Osama bin Laden. A man killed by a man Becky had sex with. Oh, come on. And now I have to kill him. Dan, sorry.

I'll tell you about it at Christmas. We'll talk about it at Christmas. All right, John, get in there. Lean in there. We're all playing rock, paper, scissors. And then whoever wins goes first or who can pick? Just to decide the order. Okay.

All right, and rock, paper, scissors. No, rock, paper, scissors. Shoot, Becky. All right, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot. Do we have any double ups? Nope. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot, Becky. Alright, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Do we have any double ups? Nope. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Any double ups? Oh, paper, paper. John McKay wins, which means John, you can determine the order of the draft. Who picks first, who picks second, who picks third, and who picks fourth. And whoever picks fourth ends up, in the first round, whoever picks fourth,

they end up picking first in the second round. But I can elect myself to go first. Absolutely, if you'd like to. Okay, well, I'm going first. All right, Johnny. Johnny McKay first. Well, then what... Ian, are you jotting that down?

I'm going to have Carmel go second. Ian, Carmel's going second. Okay. Sean. Sean, tell Jordan. I'm in. Are you going to leave Big Dick Becks for last? Becks. I don't hate it. Man, old Jordan. Are you going to leave Big Dick Becks for last? Becks.

I don't hate it. Man, old Bag of Bones Becky. Bag of Bones Becky. Becky Jerome. What's your middle name? Jerome? Were you going to say Jerome? I was going to throw a G in there.

I was going to throw Becky G. Robinson. I love that, but it's Ann. It's Rebecca Ann Robinson. Well, we'd like to thank you for joining us on the podcast, but that's my sister's middle name. I love it. My initials are Rar or Bar. Or Bar. bar hence bars normally have eggnog your parent your parents put a lot of effort into that one we do love yeah and that's in the all right johnny mckay you are

leaving us off with the first pick of the all fantasy everything yeah christmas song draft catholic john mckay yeah what are you picking that's like a world war ii nickname catholic Everything. Yeah. Christmas on draft. Catholic John McKay. Yeah. What are you picking? That's like a World War II nickname. Catholic John McKay. Except they're all Catholic. Everyone's nickname was Catholic and then their name.

Yes, I am Catholic, which is why this pick might surprise you, but I'm going to go with Wham! Last Christmas. It's on my list. Yes, indeed. That's an amazing song. Last Christmas by Wham! Last Christmas. It's on my list. Yes, indeed. That's an amazing song. Last Christmas by Wham! Fantastic song. The very next day, I gave it away. Yeah. This year.

To Sam and from Tim. I'll give it to someone special. You know what the best part of that song is? It's when the verse finishes and he goes, Happy Christmas. I'll give it up and do it. Yeah. Every time I hear it up and do it. Yeah. Every time I hear it, it's as if I'm hearing it for the first time.

It is a magical trick. It sounds like Wham, too. Like right when it starts, you're like, this is a Wham song. It's kind of, there's not a lot of New Age, or not New Age is not the right word. What type of music was Wham? What were they? They were like pop, 80s pop. There's not a lot of like. I think it's clarified under the best the best kind of

music yeah careless whisper is still my go-to at karaoke when i go ah okay yeah yeah which one careless whispering that's that song yes yeah saxophone solo no uh wham by last christmas yeah fantastic it's wonderful do you celebrate Wham's entire catalog or is it just that one I'm going to go with no it's kind of like I view Wham kind of like Harper Lee with To Kill a Mockingbird

you don't celebrate Harper Lee's entire catalog they should have just done Last Christmas and thrown in the towel you prefer to look at it like they were a one-song wonder. Wham's My Heart Early. Do you know what's weird about that song? It's like, it's last Christmas, I gave you my heart, and the very next day you gave it away.

It almost sounds as if, like, this year, now they've stayed with this person an entire year, and then this year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Yeah. It's like they're telling the person who broke their heart that they're making that decision. Yeah, December 26th was rough someone special. Yeah. It's like they're telling the person who broke their heart that they're making that decision. Yeah, December 26th was rough for him. Yeah, it was very rough. I mean, it's rough for some people. Yeah.

It can be a rough day. A Christmas breakup is tough. How do you feel about the song, though, knowing so many other people have covered it and sang it? I mean, Wham definitely brought it on home. But that's the, yeah. So many people, though, sang it. It keeps coming on in my head. But I feel like Wham nailed it, though. It's a classic. Yeah, they did nail it. That's the, yeah. So many people though sing it. It keeps coming on and on.

But I feel like Wham nailed it though. It's a classic. Yeah, they did nail it. That's the nature of Christmas songs is that like when something becomes canon

everybody's going to take a crack at it. Yeah, true story. Like Chris Brown unfortunately nailed This Christmas. Yeah. Chris Brown did?

I've never heard it. This Christmas. You call yourself an urban comic. Did I?. You call yourself an urban comic. Did I? Did I call myself an urban comic? We all think of you as one. I like that.

I mean, yeah, sure. By the way, my pants are extremely unbuttoned right now. It's all right. You had a big breakfast. You didn't have time to button them after you boned that, dude. In and out. Sean. Yeah.

Make it a big breakfast. No, but, yeah. You did. You told me you had a big breakfast. I wasn't making it anyway. Oh, no, I did. Okay, good breakfast. No, but yeah. You did. You told me you had a big breakfast. I wasn't making it in you. Oh, no, I did. Okay, good. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I did have a big breakfast. What else was that breakfast? You don't know. All right. You put one girl in a room with 18 dudes. Of course, they're going to riff on it. There's four of us in here. We're all in here for riffing, and we're done talking about the Osama bin Laden guy.

We're talking about Last Christmas by Wham. 1984. That's when it came out? Yeah. Wow. The height of the Reagan administration. Wow. Everyone was in good spirits, and Wham fucking dropped it.

John, you know an insane amount about Reagan. I was a history major. Specifically, a Reagan history major. My father was also a raging Republican. A hardcore, but not a Trump Republican. Not a Trump Republican, unlike someone's dad. Yeah, most people. Mind you, I'd love if you guys could just picture John right now.

He's sitting on the couch, thumbing a football, wearing a hot pink Patagonia. He looks awesome. It looks waterproof. Yeah, it does. What did you say? Christmas Day, it looks like. You look like... A Christmas Day situation.

You look like you're throwing around a little Christmas Day pigskin. You look like you're going skiing. The way you're looking right now, just to paint a picture for the listener, is it looks like... Fresh off Mount Batchelor. A holiday trip to the mountains. But like a wealthy holiday trip to the mountains. For a guy who's never skied. Or like a Patagonia commercial.

Not true. I know, but that's the look. It's like I'm watching something, but I'm also like, if you need me to go to the store to get more Martinelli's, I'm ready to go. Yeah. Like, oh, you need how many? Four bottles? I'm out.

You know what you listen to on the way to the store is Last Christmas by Wham. Yeah. Darn skipping. Yeah. It's a little weird. The one drawback I will say on that song is it doesn't feel classic, which is what maybe you like about it. It is a classic because that was 30 years ago

by now, for God's sake. 32 years. Oh, God, that's so crazy. But there's so many of these classic Christmas songs. Sure. Last Christmas, it feels like a sidecar more than the motorcycle. I was listening to it today, though, and it was making me smile. I love it, too. It's like a wine.

You got to let it, you know. I'm just saying there's some older wines, my friend. But what is the classic? Classics are changing as we get older now. We'll get into it. We'll get into it. We'll get into some classics. Speaking of which,

you get to pick. I get to pick next. Time for the second pick of the first round of the All Fans Do Everything. Don't do it. I'm not taking a classic. Don't look at me.

I'm taking a new classic. Don't look at me when you do it. I'm going to look Sean Jordan right in the eyes as I pick Dickhead. All I Want for Christmas is You by the one Mariah Carey.

You basic little bitch. I'm a basic bitch. I am a basic bitch. That song is amazing. It's amazing. See, to me, that is becoming

a classic. It is. And that's crazy. No, no. That is a classic. That is a classic. I was just talking some shit.

But isn't that crazy that that's a classic now? It's amazing. It's an original. That was a classic by 94. It's perfect. When did that come out? When did she do it? 93. Is it 93? I's amazing. It's an original. That was a classic by 94. It's perfect. When did that come out?

When did she do it? 93. Is it 93? I think so. How the hell do you know that? God, Mariah has been around. Mariah Carey. For a while.

Wait, all right. Queen of New York, Mariah Carey. A lot of people think it's Lil' Kim. If it's 93, I'm actually going to be embarrassed for myself. Her MTV Cribs, I'll never forget. Yeah. She had like a mansion. She was on her elliptical in New York.

When you own an elliptical in New York. And she had a ball gown on. She changed like three times in her cribs. All I want for Christmas. You guys remember Mariah Carey? 94! Wow. It came out in 1994.

The height of George Bush's senior administration. The year of our Lord. That was Clinton. Damn it. 94 was? Yeah. Am I a complete dipshit? Bush Sr. was 88 to 91

and Clinton took over in 92. So 87. Anyway, elected in 88. Clinton took over in January of 93. Oh, God. He's right. I'm wrong. So I was sort of close. Anyway. History major. And I've had a long week. I don't remember much of 94.

All my memories start at 96. How old are you? 25. Old enough to... You're 25. But I remember everything started the 96 Olympics because of the gymnastics. Bella Caroli. Oh, in Atlanta, Georgia.

That's when she did the vault and broke her ankle. And that's when everything started on them. She landed though, right? That's when your memory started. Didn't she stick the landing with the box nail? Dominique Mucciano. That was definitely the worst thing to happen at the Atlanta Olympics.

Okay, well let's just comment down in the pink jacket. Aren't they making a movie about the Atlanta Olympic bombing? They are. Starring Don Cheadle. I don't think it is. Maybe he's in it. He'd fit. He's the guy like halfway through the movie I think something's wrong. I have a bone to pick. Don Cheadle. He's the guy like halfway through the movie, I think something's wrong.

I have a bone to pick with Don Cheadle. Pick that bone. I almost, when I was an intern at Funny or Die, my third day. My third day interning in 2011. He brings us up every morning at the coffee pots. Shut the fuck up. That was a serious shut the fuck up. Don Cheadle called and I dropped his call.

Oh, no. And it turned into like a thing. Of course it's a thing. That's Dandy Don Cheadle. That's God damn Hotel Rwanda Don Cheadle. Never lost a hand in Blackjack Don Cheadle. Hotel Rwanda. Was he in Ocean's Eleven?

He was in. Of course he was. Okay. Saving Private Ryan. I know him. Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. They're making Ocean's Eight. He was in. Of course he was. Okay. Saving Private Ryan. Yeah, I know him. Boogie Nights. Boogie Nights. They're making Ocean's Eight.

He wasn't in that one. His name's Don. Oh, no, he was in Mean Girls. That's what he was in. That's what I know him from. Are you thinking of Tim Meadows? Top Gun. Oh, yeah, you're right.

Never mind. Okay. But he was in Ocean's Eight. Good luck going back to the wiling out cast locker room with your black people confusing ass. Don Cheadle was an Ocean's Lover, right?

Yes. I think so, yeah. Black people confusing ass. I get confused for Kate Upton all the time. It happens a lot.

It definitely happens a lot. You look just like Kate Upton. A lot of people think I'm Tyrese. On the daily, people stop me and they're like, Tyrese?

I'm Fast and the Furious and I'm like, no, my name is Sean. It's more of a body tone issue. More of a body type issue. All I Want for Christmas is You by the one Mariah Carey. Yep.

It's fucking classic. I almost don't consider it a Christmas song because I'll listen to it all year. It's so good. It's fantastic. Those bells coming in? Like, oh, it's so good. It comes out. It's like a greyhound coming out of a gate.

Yeah. Bam! It's just me. It's so good. Does that make you a Love Actually fan? I've never seen Love Actually. Makes me one. I've seen it enough.

That movie's been played cover to cover in your house at least ten times so far. In my home. But you have never seen it. In my Jewish home. I've never seen it. I don't know. It's just one of never seen in my Jewish home. I've never seen, I don't know, it's just one of those things I haven't seen.

I haven't seen Love Actually. So good. I don't believe in love anymore. Do you want to watch that? Ian, I haven't seen it either, so I got you. See, the two of us haven't seen Love Actually.

I also have no idea who Don Cheadle is. He's not in Love Actually. Don Cheadle, he's the starting point guard for the Clippers. When that girl, well, there's a little girl

that sings that song in Love Actually actually. Don Cheadle. He's the starting point guard for the Clippers. When that girl, well, there's a little girl that sings that song in love, actually, at this elementary school recital. It's not Mariah, it's Ian. Killer voice. Inappropriate. No, it's like a 12-year-old girl, but she just kills it. Inappropriate for a 12-year-old to sing that sexy, sexy song. Is it sexy?

But Ian, let me ask you this. All I want for Christmas is you to bang me, is what's implied. I mean, no, come on. No, I'm joking. 12-year-olds sing it. Okay. I mean, but also with... I like that. No, I'm joking. 12-year-old saying it. Okay. I mean, but also with... I like that.

No, I'm just kidding. In defense of Ian, if they are going to spend Christmas together, they're definitely going to hook up. They're going to hook up. Yeah. Yeah. All I want for Christmas is you. Come over.

We'll bang. Yeah. You know? And then you can show yourself to the door. Maybe have a hot toddy. Maybe have a hot toddy. You do have a hot toddy. Oh, hot toddy.

You know what I love about All I Want for Christmas is You is it's a new Christmasdy you do have a hot toddy oh hot toddy you know what I love about All I Want for Christmas Is You is it's a new Christmas song that sounds like a classical Christmas song yes I thought it was a cover

until a year ago probably right yeah those bells it sounds like some of the Ronettes would have done it sounds like a wall of sound wait she's the first one

to do it she's the first one to do it isn't that weird that's an original Mariah Carey banger how much money do you think she's made

45,000 no I'm not I'm gonna ask off of that song at least 32,000 god 1700 ell no more. I'm going to ask. Off of that song, at least $32,000. $1,700 ellipticals. I'm going to go crazy. $8,000.

She bought a Civic with that money. She probably bought a new Civic with it. Yeah. She must have made millions. Certified used.

That's always the first. Was it Ron Tonkin? Ron Tonkin. Tonkin Beaverton. Shout out to our sponsor, Ron Tonkin. Is this a Portland thing? Yeah. Eat dicks. We do. Wekin Beaverton. Shout out to our sponsor, Ron Tonkin. Is this a Portland thing? Yeah.

Eat dicks. We do. Don't sell cars in Seattle. Ron Tonkin. Ron Tonkin USA. Will the Vern Funk reference make you happier? Oh, dude, don't forget to honk if you drive by Vern Funk. Vern Funk.

What's that burger place we love? Dick's. Dick's, dog. Dick's. I fucking love Dick's. Ted's Sexy Dodge. Sioux Falls South. Dick's, dog. Dick's. I fucking love Dick's. Where's the Dick's? At Sexy Dodge, Sioux Falls South of Cronkite? John's like, Burgerville?

Burger, I wish Burgerville. Burger, Dick's, we, dude, one time I ate Dick's. We ate Dick's. We ate Dick's. But then I drove back to Portland. We did shows. I got a little too hammered. Should you have gone back to Portland?

What show did you do? No. It wasn't the Laugh Hall show, was it? I think it was Laugh Hall. Because I was with you. Yeah. And we went to Dick's, right? Yeah.

And we went out on Capitol Hill. We went to Capitol Hill. That's where you guys met. There it is. We went to Dick's and I got hammered. Well, we got hammered and then we went to Dick's

and then I... I obliterated all of them. I gave it like 45 minutes and I was like, no, I'm cool to drive back to Portland. And you guys could have just stayed at my place. So easily. But I wanted to wake up in my bed the next day and play Madden probably.

That was when we listened to fucking, that was the first time I heard that weird song on the White Album. Ryan. Ryan. I played Revolution No. 9 for you on the drive back. I'd never heard it. Because I'd sobered up by that point. I really had and I was like, hey, you want to hear a scary song? And it was scary. And Revolution

number, or is, yeah, whatever the, yeah, number nine. That weird-ass song in the White Elm, you know what we're talking about? Never heard of it. Number nine. Ryan. Number nine. Ryan. Number nine. Man, that is fucking with my heart right now. Ryan. It's crazy. It's scary. They did a lot of drugs, it it turns out i didn't know or else i would never

would have been done listening to have a good time so yeah you know a little page out of my book anyway revolution number nine not a christmas song but whatever sean jordan is about to pick so is i'm gonna this doesn't have i'm gonna see if you guys will let this slide and if you don't then i have a different pick but okay does the song, because it's not a traditional Christmas song. Here we go. The End of Scrooge. Put a Little Love in Your Heart. Wow.

Can I pick that or no? I watched that yesterday. I love the movie. And that's not a Christmas song, but it feels like a Christmas song to me. And if you say I can't pick it, I'm fine with it. I know what you're coming for because I feel the same about the Harry Potter 1 theme song. I won't pick it. We won't pick that.

But also, we'll put it all green. Do you want to pick that? I mean, name one. When you hear that song, you think Scrooge. I think of Christmas. Yeah. How does it go? Put a little love in your heart.

Do they mention Christmas in it? I don't think so. Here's a rubric. Do they ever mention Christmas? That's so perfect how John went high and you went low. I don't think. That was where you harmonized naturally. I was discussing. Does he mention Christmas? That's so perfect how John went high and you went low. That wasn't me. You harmonized naturally. Does he mention Christmas?

Does he mention bells? We won't count it. Are there Santa? Is Santa mentioned? Is the Christ child mentioned at all? I don't think so. If it's not, if it doesn't mention the Christ child, Santa, bells, or snow. Then I won't pick it. Well, we'll do, but I'm gonna

put my first pick will be Run Run Rudolph by Chuck Berry. Alright. Love that I won't pick it. Well, we'll do. But I'm going to put my first pick will be Run, Run Rudolph by Chuck Berry. All right. Love that song. I love it. A rare all-fantasy everything veto. It almost never happens. Well, I figured it was going to be. I was wondering if that would have counted.

You should have saved it for fifth if it was going to be one of those iffy ones. You know, I'm out of my mind. I'm planning on taking California Love with my fifth pick. Run, Run Rudolph. It's the airport scene in Home Alone, right? That's when they're running through the airport. Run, Run, Rudolph. I don't know any of the words except for Run, Run, Rudolph, but it's such a good song.

Yeah, yeah. Very mush-mouthy. Yeah, it's fantastic. I love... I've seen so many... I've seen like 10 holiday movies so far this holiday season, and Home Alone I've seen twice. This holiday season already? This holiday season. Since Thanksgiving, it's been 10 holiday movies. far this holiday season. And Home Alone I've seen twice. This holiday season already? This holiday season.

Since Thanksgiving I've seen 10 holiday movies. It covers all emotions. Did you hear that? You went to a party with Macaulay Culkin the other day? They ruined Home Alone for me this year. Why? He's fantastic, right? He's doing great. I never wished to see Macaulay.

You know, I want to keep little Macaulay in my eye forever. You can. Just put in Home Alone. And then all of a sudden there's big Macaulay. You know, I want to keep little Macaulay in my eye forever. You can. Just put it in hold alone. And then all of a sudden there's Big Macaulay. I've seen pictures of Big Macaulay. He's in like a pizza-themed Velvet Underground cover band. That's a weird sentence, but it's true. Would you see that parody he did?

No. Of like playing Kevin Macalester as an adult? No. Playing a what? ItAllister as an adult? No. It's great. It's like the short film where he's playing Kevin McAllister as an adult. And he's like crazy and he's just smoking cigs the entire time. Oh, really?

He's like, do you know what it's fucking like having your parents go on vacation? And he has these people tied up in the basement. Wet Bandits? Are they the Wet Bandits? Yeah, Macaulay Dunn, grown up. The Sticky Bandits. The Sticky Bandits as well.

What were you going to say about Ron, Ron, Rudolph? You said it runs the gamut of all emotions? Ian. Well, no, I was talking about Home Alone. It's a great movie. You laugh. It is. You feel something.

You kind of think about your family. Whatever. Oh, Home Alone. Yeah, absolutely. It's a great... Home Alone 2, Donald Trump is in it, so now it's ruined forever. Is he really? Yeah, he's...

Very briefly, but yeah. Very briefly. We just, in the studio, we all saw a picture of adult Macaulay Culkin looking a little bit like Mitch Hedberg. So, he looks a lot like Mitch Hedberg. Oof. If they made a Mitch Hed headberg movie you know who to cast paul dano but uh they yes run run rudolph run run rudolph great song chuck berry it's got kind of a

fun rock rockabilly rock and roll vibe to it it's like a total christmas party co-worker christmas party absolutely that's early in the night christmas party yeah yeah that gets the dance floor all right i guess i'll do a shot of gin with you. Yeah. And then... Never done that before. 12 shots later. You do shots of gin because they taste like pine trees.

That's when Jim in accounting is like, sure, I'll have a schnapps. Yeah. Heck, I'll have a schnapps. All right, there we go. I guess I could do a rumplemint. Yeah. Next thing you know, you're in a bathroom stall telling her the codes to your laptop. The codes to your laptop?

Fudger you talking about? Becky's going, Becky's having a different Christmas. What'd you put on that popcorn? Telling her the codes to the nuclear pumps. What is, oh, this is the Pentagon office Christmas party. Um, no, that's. Man, I bet that's lame or dope. I bet the Pentagon.

Yeah, which is it? There's no middle ground. There's no middle ground. Like if, And if you have security clearance and you get fucked up, they're like, you want to go downstairs

and look into some shit? Yeah, let's go look at pictures of aliens. Yeah, like the JFK book. Yeah. See what's happening, that kind of stuff. Especially if you're on drugs.

And maybe a little Rumpelmintz. Yeah, you're on drugs and Rumpelmintz. God only knows. And then you go down and you, because you can look at the video

of when they tried to weaponize Bigfoot because they found Bigfoot. And then they tried to turn him into like sort of a commando and they were going to drop Bigfoot behind enemy lines and kill Bin Laden. Sure. But they didn't need to because we had a different person that handled that. If you could mic every person that's ever been at the body shop on Sunset, this country would be ruined.

It would be. Do you know how many important people roll through that place? That's like LA's strip club. Right? Basically. Yeah, it's called the body shop. And anybody else who rolls through. The soundbites alone. Maybe, I guess, one of these days when I get married, I'll see a naked woman, but until then

I don't need to go to a strip club. Good on you. You've seen some shit. Don't you dare raise your voice. Run, run, Rudolph. Good on you. You've seen some shit. Don't you dare raise your voice. Don't you ever. Run, run, Rudolph. Run, run, Rudolph.

Fantastic Christmas song. Use perfectly in Home Alone. John Candy. John Candy? Yeah. The Kenosha Kickers. The Kenosha Kickers. You never heard of us? We're kind of a big deal.

The Kenosha Kickers. All these fucking ridiculous. All these heavy midwestern men polka polka polka no you never heard never

so tight I just want to get home see my boy yeah well I mean you could ride in the U-Haul enter John Candy it's maybe the perfect

all I want for Christmas is you is the song you hear at the mall and you get stoked about Christmas last Christmas is a song maybe

you hear in a commercial you get stoked about Christmas or something or sad I'm just trying to give you something I'm just trying to give you something Run Run Rudolph Christmas Party Yeah totally Last Christmas is also kind of a Christmas party But if I hear Run Run Rudolph at a Christmas party

I am getting hammered Yeah I mean if I'm at a Christmas party I'll put Run Run Rudolph on because I'm getting hammered You know I do what I do Speaking of getting hammered Time to hammer it away at the first round and close it up. Hammer the nail on the coffin on the end of the

first round. Now, in terms of fantasy drafting, guys, because this is my first time, is there a strategy at all? Putting your first strongest... Yeah, I blew it. If there is a strategy, what you really want to do is pick something that you think isn't going to be on the board.

It's going to be a popular pick, so you want to get it. Yeah. Or do whatever, because it doesn't matter. Well, I got a song that's one of the best Christmas songs that ever existed in this world, but not a lot of people know it. Then maybe hold off on it. But you guys aren't going to hear it on the podcast, are you? You won't hear the song unless you sing some of it. But they can go look it up later.

These are all great on-air questions to ask. Sarah loves it. The whole family loves it. Listen, I'm happy for her. My Sarah pursuit is over. Called it. It's over. I'm on the pursuit of Sarah. Okay, alright. Okay.

Okay. Alright. What about Sure. My grown-up Christmas list. What is that? No more lives torn apart. Then wars would never start. Oh. I've never heard it.

Yeah. No, you've heard it. Have I? What has that been in? Every earth would have a friend. Then wars would never begin. It's a Kelly Clarkson hit. Oh, I love Kelly Clarkson.

I'm a little raspy right now. You are a little raspy. Oh, wait, Amy Grant maybe originally? It's definitely not Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, well, she sang a version of it. Amy Grant, though? Yeah, I know she did, but she's not the one. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, that is she sang a version of it. Amy Grant, though? Yeah, I know she did, but she's not the one. Oh, I'm sorry.

Well, that is actually a good distinction to make. Sure. Because a lot of these songs have been sung by a lot of different people, and it is good to point out who nailed it the hardest. This is a great song for if you're home alone and you've got a little leftover eggnog and you want to put on some socks and slide around and sing. I always do. Yeah, who doesn't?

That's just going to be a whole lot. So you're talking about Monday through Friday? Yeah, yeah. Every day. Most times when I'm there, unless I'm asleep at the house. Yeah. I've torn up carpet so I could slide across it with socks before. Absolute.

Absolute. Oh, Bublé's saying it. Of course Bublé's got into the game. Streisand is saying it. Streisand's gotten her Jew hands, I can say that because I'm Jewish, all over it. You should be ashamed of yourself, Babs. The fuck are you doing? It's fine that I,

my Jewish ass is participating in this draft, but you should not be turning your back and putting your scaly Jew claws all over this Amy Grant. By the way, Amy Grant, Christian as fuck, Babs.

She listens to this We have a difficult relationship I'm sorry Go on So Carmel's not a fan of Barbara Oh I love Barbara I just expect more You wanted to be on brand

I expect more Sing Moet Sur Where I have a little Are there any Jewish songs? Yes Anything Neil Diamond's ever sung Actually my roommate That's what the rest of the draft is for

I feel like we're saying songs out of turn. Out of the holidays. Listen. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays. Happy holidays.

Man, a lot of velvet. A velvet fog just rolled through this room. Is it me or is Stutzbren the new? Is that a holiday song? No, that's a New York song. I know, but it feels like a rolled through this room. Is it me or is Stutzbren the new, is that a holiday song? No, that's a New York song. I know, but it feels like a holiday song. Definitely. Go on and tell us about

Grown Up Christmas a little more. Okay. What do you want to know? I don't know. I'm eating a granola bar and I can't talk for a minute, so you do. Well, here's the thing.

I was going to go with the Chipmunks classic, but then I realized maybe all the podcasts You've got to stop giving away your picks. Oh, you're right. I mean, I'll fucking take them. Yeah, you get five. Yeah, you do. You get five altogether and giving away your picks. Oh, you're right. I mean, I'll fucking take them. Yeah, you get five.

Yeah, you do. You get five altogether. And you pick next also. Oh, I do? You're also. Well, I'm coming out of the gate. I got 18. I've been listening to nothing but Christmas Tunchies. It's a great song because it's about,

it came on last night as I was applying my contour to my face to hide my holiday eggnog consumption. And I was just like, man, this is the song that maybe could make the country be at ease right now. What is it about the song that makes you think it could make the country be at ease? What is the song about? Because I don't know it. I was listening to, I think, the Celine Dion version or something. Oh, hell yeah.

And it's just like, no more lives torn apart and wars would never start and it's just like it's such bullshit but it's like oh it's nice to hear that the idea is that it's a grown-up christmas list we're not talking about power wheels yeah you know we're not talking about lego sets as nice as those maybe you know and the funny thing about it too is like hearing that song it's like we're all pretty much grown-ups now and you're hearing it and you're like i wouldn't wish for any of that shit am i not a girl i would wish for that in a heartbeat i would wish for the fun thing about the song is you can't stop thinking about how you would remix it like what would be on your actual grown-up christmas list yeah you're like no more parking tickets yeah but also maybe to

a trap beat oh yeah it would have a hard-hitting trap beat. If Young Metro don't trust you, I'ma shoot. No more parking tickets. Mike Will made this. Mike Will made it. What would be on your grown-up Christmas list? What would be on my grown-up Christmas list? Yeah.

I would love... We all took a moment to reflect. I would love to not have gout anymore. That would be on mine gout is uh gout is the king's disease that you get from eating too much fatty food and drinking too much and it's like arthritis of the joints

and I think I have it Kyle Kinane definitely has it I think I have it Nick Nanpay thinks he has it basically it's like Nanpay thinks he has it maybe you's like i'll get it damn man pay thinks yeah i maybe shouldn't be outing what do you think yo man pay if you're listening i'm thinking about you doesn't have it that's a joke that's a joke but i might have it and like uh yeah it's anyway

i would wish to not have gout anymore it sucks but like you can if you drink too much it like these crystals form in your blood. Anyway, so no more gout. I would like $1,000 at Nike ID so I can just go spend $1,000 on the Nike website. Nike ID. That's where you design your own shoes, on the Nike website. I would like to not be in a studio. Right now?

Yeah. No apartment. Oh, apartment. Yeah, yeah. Well, you have a dope studio, though. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. I mean, to how grown up we get, and I guess I'd like to have some savings. Yeah. now yeah no apartment oh apartment yeah well you have a dope studio though thank you yeah thank you i mean it's about how grown up we get and i guess i'd like to have some savings yeah that's good yeah just savings yeah just for gas when i need it you know i uh i would like i would love a weird

concept i'd love a little more knowledge a little more knowledge i would love to have uh if i would love to have all the experiences of a grown-up, but, you know, in the knowledge of experiencing them, but maybe having not experienced them. Right now, for the listeners, Becky looks like what I imagine the radio DJ in Sleepless in Seattle looks like. Oh, yeah, real comfy and low. Like, just calm, chill. I've sunken back in bed. You also kind of look like Scarface at the end of Scarface. In that chair.

Becky and John are having a who's more comfortable contest. And they're both winning. Like the popcorn's setting in. Happy holidays. The tryptophan from the popcorn is setting in. Yeah, it's that right would always win and love would never end. Now, her saying right would always win is tricky because Amy Grant's a big-time religious nut. True story. I don't know if she's a nut, but she's very, very religious.

How do you know that about her? Because the thing you were wishing for, knowledge. I have it. Can't wait to be 30. 32, thank you. 32, I feel like, is the age where you know some shit. Ian Carmel, shout- out to University of Portland. Shout out to Portland State University.

Portland State. Thank you very much. Shout out to that pita pit. Shout out to Bethany Elementary. Shout out to the pita pit that I got diarrhea from twice but kept going. That one hot though. What happened to pita pits? I think they're still around, but I got diarrhea twice from the one in downtown Portland.

It's no longer there. How did they pop off so hard? Because they were open late. Everything is. No, they are not. They're not. These were food places that were like open late in college towns. I'll tell you why Peter Tits was open late.

Because people. Language. People like me from the Boibs. They're the Boibs. We would go to Portland specifically. Once I got my license, we'd be like, do you want to go to Peter Pit? Yeah. We'd go into the city just to get Peter Pit because it was an event.

Because the Roxy, the clientele was a little too weird for our suburban asses, so we went to Peter Pit instead. We were done with the Red Robin diarrhea. We wanted the Peter Pit diarrhea. I legit shit myself walking over the Hawthorne Bridge. I did. I did. You did? I was after an improv.

Wait, you did? I did. You shit yourself on a bridge? I went after an improv Wait you did I did You shit yourself On a bridge Improv party Probably about this time of year I shit myself walking over the bridge I was

It was probably this time of year Eight years ago I was still doing improv And I went to Pita Pit for a nightcap And I ate the Pita Pit Said no one ever Went to Pita Pit for a nightcap. And I was walking back.

This was when I lived in the apartment. Uh-huh. And I think with Nick, pre-Shane, and I was walking over the Hawthorne Bridge, and I got to a point

where I could not continue to walk. I was like, ooh, I gotta handle this at some point. Were you wearing cargo shorts? I must have been. No, I think it was pants.

I mean, I was alive. I mean, I was alive, so it had to be cargo shorts. It was probably cargo shorts. It was live and eight years ago. I stood there. Were you eating and walking? No, I had eaten.

I had consumed. You know what? In fact, I had the pita pit before the party. That's what happened. And then went to the party and was leaving the party walking home. Okay, so maybe the party made you shave yourself. Did you shave your pants because you sharted or what happened? No, the party definitely didn't because I only had a couple drinks.

This was the pita pit. Plus, I'd gotten diarrhea from there before. Wait, wait, wait. Ian, tell me about the diarrhea. It was diarrhea of the classic degree. Did you fart and then diarrhea yourself? I was standing on the middle of the Hawthorne Bridge, right side of the Hawthorne Bridge. Considering jumping.

Considering jumping. Felt a feeling where it was like, hey, you're going to shit. When your body's just like, I don't know what to tell you. We're about to shit. I'm sorry. Listen, we're getting divorced. I don't know what to do. You're going to shit.

You can't hold it in. There's no holding it in. There's no getting to a bathroom in time. The engines are fried. We're going down. We are. We're primed to go. It's May Day, mother.

There was a shit riot happening in the south central region of my body. And I shit myself on the bridge. And then I walked over the bridge sheepishly.

Did you like try and cower on the bridge? Well, what was there to do? There was nothing to do but to get home. But did you stand upright and just shit? Yes.

Or were you kind of like, I don't know. Upright, homo erectus, shit myself. Standing upright. And then you walked. Is you getting, I shit myself walking across the Hawthorne Bridge tattooed on your forearm. Well, I'm afraid it's going to be Hanukkah this year, not Christmas

because that's never happening. But I stood upright and shit myself and then I was like, I got to get to a bathroom. And I... Yeah. You didn't even think to be like, was it daytime or nighttime? Night yeah yeah you didn't even think to be like was it daytime or night it was nighttime you didn't even think to pull down your trowel and shit on a bridge there's fucking bombs everywhere i'm not gonna shit on the bridge this car's going by yeah i love the hawthorne bridge i would never do that to the hawthorne bridge i wouldn't like shit over the

bridge because that's dangerous it looks like i'm trying to kill myself. You're so Portland that you didn't want to shit in the water. No, I wouldn't shit in that water. To contaminate the Willamette River. Yeah, that water is disgusting. Beautiful. Cut through the Willamette Valley. I'm not going to give you that chance. Oh, I've had some gulps of that water and shit myself for weeks. Absolutely. That is not clean. And so I got to

the bar. The first bathroom I could find was the Jolly Roger. I still had a shit by the way. The Jolly Roger? I shit myself as much as I had to. And then there was still more shit, but I didn't shit that shit out. to the bar the the first bathroom i could find was the jolly i still had a ship i ship myself as much as i had to and then there was still more shit but i didn't shit that shit out and i got to the bathroom with the jolly roger and which is doesn't have a lock on it doesn't have a door on the stall doesn't have a lock on the door doesn't have a door on the stall it's a bummer and i sat in there with in like shitty pants and shit more and then walked home, threw away the underwear.

Of course. What year was this? I think threw away the pants. What year was this? 2008? 2007, 2008. Can I ask you guys a question? Yeah. Have you ever shit yourself

in a pair of boxers or whatever? Yeah. And even though you've washed them, you kept them, but you never touched them again? No. They get thrown immediately in the garbage. I've done it twice and they went straight to the garbage.

Straight to the garbage. So that was, anyway, Pita Pit, dude. Wow. How did we get talking about that? My grown-up Christmas list. Thank you so much to our sponsor, Pita Pit. We love your support. Yeah, we love it.

And I went back even after I shit myself from it. Yeah, I'll go again. Even after hearing that story, I might go again. The shitty thing about that, and not to say shitty, but you really never know what it came from. I mean, you know. It came from PETA.

It came from the guy with the gauged earrings making my fucking PETA. It came from Willow, probably named Willow, with the fucking scrubs beard and gauged ears. Which is weird

because he sounds like a straight shooter. I know. I never would have expected that from Willow. It's a nice guy. Yeah, it was his ass, dude. There's no way it wasn't. Motherfucking Willow.

Motherfucking Willow, dude. Fucking up with my GI tract. Becky, your first pick was my grown-up Christmas list. Your second pick. I felt you were about to start telling a story when I started telling my diarrhea story. Becky? Yeah. Oh. What did you have a story about? Maybe you my diarrhea story. Becky? Yeah. Oh.

What could you have a story about? Maybe you were. Do you remember? I had a recent thing happen. Go on. That involved shitting your pants. Oh, please.

I mean, if you want to shit. Well, because I never shit my pants. Girls don't poop. Well, here's the thing. Ian, I love Taco Bell. Uh-huh. Who doesn't? Oh, we love Taco Bell.

Yeah, there's one. It's so good. This is a safe space I just want to let you know It's Sean's favorite food This experience did not hinder my love for Taco Bell Whatsoever And it happened while I was eating Taco Bell So it couldn't have been the Taco Bell

I don't know what it was It still 100% could have been It could have been the Taco Bell from the day before The phrase going right through you Yes 100% could have been. Yeah, it could have been the Taco Bell from the night before. The phrase going right through you. Yes. The amount of fire sauce. I mean, I have drawers in my house full.

Here's the thing. The thing that was, it was a really eye-opening experience because I had ordered my... Guys! Brown eye-opening experience. Everybody. I just came up with that. I didn't edit that in later anyway go on i've been asking a lot of questions about like that's why i asked you guys if you ever kept those boxers because i had a similar i was wearing like little cheerleader shorts yeah

and i had postmated some t-bell okay lived my best life absolutely and i was sitting at my desk and i uh it was like 2 a.m. You have a desk at home? Yeah. There it is. We have two desks in our house. So, you know, you never compliment me on that. Anyway, go on back in. A lady can have a goddamn desk in her home?

It's got to be all makeup. It's got to be all shit. It's got to be all bidets. Shitty cheerleader pants. So you pooped all over your makeup. I have a shabby chic desk. So I'm sitting there at my desk, right? Shabba rinks.

I just finished writing a novel. No, and I'm sitting there and I had this beefy five-layer burrito. One of my go-to items. Yeah. And I had just put a bunch of fire sauce on a perfect bite. Yeah. It was a perfect bite. It had every five layers in that bite.

They were all represented equally. With the fire sauce on the top. I'm so hungry right now. Me too. I'm going to get hungry. Well, you're about to get not hungry. I will stay hungry. Go on, though.

So I felt like a minor, minor fart coming on. And I'm in my room by myself at my desk. So I fart and just uncontrollably shit my pants. Wow. Like uncontrollably. Not suspecting at all that it was gonna be a shit not at i had i could never have i didn't have a grumble that's kind of terrifying yeah look i was a gymnast as a kid i was eating a lot of mcdonald's i always had like i knew when i was shitting you know and this came out of left field. I did not see it coming. And I'm sitting there and I had the perfectly sauced bite. It happens.

And here's the thing. I shit my pants and then I took the bite. Yeah. Of course. And then I wrap my burrito up and I set it down and we went and handled it. Who did you think was going to judge you for that? There's a room full of allies right now. By the way, guys, Becky is single, if anyone is interested.

You would take the bite? Yes. At that point, why wouldn't you take it? I could watch you shit your pants. Gee, the engineer is not in his head. We'd all take that bite. Okay, thank God. Everyone here.

Really? Yeah, because you see it. Because you know. Because you're bright. You're seeing the, oh my God, there's a perfect bite. It's literally right there. You shit yourself. There's nothing you can do to unshit yourself. At that point, you see it. Because you know, because you're bright. You're seeing the, oh my God, there's a perfect bite. It's literally right there. You shit yourself. There's nothing you can do to unshit yourself.

At that point, you shit yourself. I wouldn't propose to you if I saw you do that. I might eat the rest of the burrito. Yeah. I might finish the burrito. I have a serious problem. I'd definitely take it into the bathroom while I was cleaning up. Well, I wouldn't do that.

Take a shower? I wouldn't take it into the bathroom. Put it in a bag and bring it in the shower? You guys are making me feel so much better. I assume you took a shower afterwards. No, Becky, you should feel horrible about that. Well, because I was like, do I look horrible? All right, good.

That's the story. Now, what's your next draft in the Christmas song? You went with my grown-up Christmas list first, and since it is serpentine. My next pick is going to be My Nutty Buddy Christmas by Alvin and Jo. What is... Oh, okay. Is it or not not anything could be a christmas song is that a fake song yeah okay good good what's it actually gonna be okay um what the

hook gonna be what day who gonna be all right my next song is gonna be it's gotta be um let's do oh this is tough all right so i just did my grown-up Christmas list. I guess I'll do, I don't know how the fantasy works, but I'll do. Just pick anything that has a chipmunk. Alvin and the Chipmunks. I'm getting nothing for Christmas. Yep. Wait, what song?

I'm getting nothing for Christmas. What? Mommy and Daddy are mad. You know? Is it like Alvin? Well, there's the. Okay. That one's, yeah.

I still want the... Oh, yeah. Me, I want the hula hoop. Yeah. This dude... This comedian, when I first started, he had one arm. And his closer would be... He would put that karaoke on, and he would pull out...

He had half of his left arm. And so he'd pull it out of his shirt, and he had little uh elvin face painted on his like elbow i guess it would be the way you just started that is that you made it sound like he he has two arms now when he started out he had one arm the chip Chipmunk song. But anyway, he would do a karaoke closer and use his elbow, I guess it would be, and mouth the... It did crush. Yeah, Sioux Falls, South Dakota really dug it.

What were the finger thingies like? They didn't have fingers. It was like a cut off at his elbow. But anyway, it's a great song. That is a great Christmas song. It is a really good song. I love that Me, I Want a Hula Hoop. That's my favorite one.

That's, I think, the iconic line from that song. What a bunch of broke ass... Sorry. Classist. How is the attitude coming from when you're that comfortable? I mean, just, you know, ask for more. What's your beef with that song? I want a plane that loops the loop.

Yeah. This was back, you know, the country was going through the Depression. I have no idea, actually. I want a plane that loops the loop. Yeah. This was back, you know, the country was going through the Depression. I have no idea, actually. I want a plane that loops the loop? What does that mean? Like a plane that flies and does a loop-de-loop. Oh, okay. Loop-de-loop, you know?

Yeah, sure. It's a loop. Sorry, dude. Not all of us have flown private. I have flown private. Thank you for listening to it. Did they wish to meet their real dad ever in that song? No, right?

Yeah, no. They're all kind of fine with this weird situation they have. You know what the best part of the song is? It's at the beginning when they're bantering with the dad. Are you ready, Chipmunks? Alvin! Yeah, what? Alvin is such a... I mean, they're burning

studio time. You know what I mean? Alvin's out somewhere doing God knows what. Simon and Theodore, they're behind the mic, you know? And that's when they were laying that down on, like, tape. Yeah, they were laying that down on tape. You were burning through it. You couldn't use that again.

Time was money. Oh, my God. Alvin's out there doing smack or whatever the goddamn. Doing cocaine off a Lola Bunny. You know what I mean? Theodore was equally as annoying. Yeah. Who had the glasses?

Simon. Simon. Oh, yeah, Simon. Simon was very responsible. Simon really pissed me off. You didn't like him? Yeah, because it was like, well, get it. Simon? Simon. Oh, yeah, Simon. Simon was very responsible. Simon really pissed me off. You didn't like him? Yeah, because it was like, we get it, you're smart. Yeah.

Well, this almost seems like some sort of intimidation. Because he had glasses, he was smart? He took Adderall. Yeah, it was a cartoon. So if you have glasses, you're smart. I suppose, yeah. Or if you have a purple bandana, you're smart. Every girl knows if she's too hot and she wants to be regarded as a little bit more intelligent,

she gets some glasses from Warby Parker. Thank you to our sponsor, Warby Parker. We are actually not sponsored by Warby Parker. But if anyone at Warby Parker would like to sponsor us, you know. They got a great tortoise shell. It's $45,000 an episode. Sure. Same amount of money Mariah Carey got for All I Want for Christmas.

Exactly. Total. Total. Yeah, 45 grand. 45 racks. That's what she wanted. Okay, so I pick Almond Chipmunks. That's great. It's pretty simple it's classic

it's one of those ones where you think it would be annoying like every other one of the album of the chipmunk songs but I like it I love it that's that plotting poem I don't know for some reason it works on a playlist John McKay seems skeptical

I think it's a good song Why isn't Works on a playlist? John McKay seems skeptical. I think it's a good song. It's just not one I can listen to. Like Mariah Carey, All I Want for Christmas. Classic. Put it on repeat and play it for five hours. I'm there. Alvin and the Chipmunks, one and done.

It's like another Christmas party type song. You're at a party and that comes on. You're on you're like all right all right i guess i'll go talk to that girl we'll see we'll see you know it's a good filler yeah but it's not the party starter no you want to say something speak you speak in your microphone becky yeah you hear the song alvin and the chipmunks and it makes you think hey i'm gonna go talk to that girl yeah there's any time like a chipmunk party like it's are you getting a good mood like hey you know If there's any time, like a chipmunk time. Just at a party. Are you getting a good mood? Like, hey, you know. Listen, if chipmunks hang out, anything can happen.

That's what it is. Listen, if a man can train his three chipmunk son to sing a holiday classic. If a man can raise three chipmunks on his own, I think I can go talk to that girl

by the coffee machine. Who's I assume is at this party? Misha Barton? Yeah. Dude, I was at a party with Misha Barton. You were at a party

with Misha Barton. Oh, what party is Misha not at? Everything went into slow motion. My birthday party. Misha Barton? Yeah. Dude, I was at a party with Misha Barton. What party is Misha not at? Everything went into slow motion. My birthday party. Did it go? Like you were moving in stereo? I straight up walked into the kitchen, turned the corner. It was our boy Dashiell's house party.

Turned the corner. Boom. Misha Barton. Damn, dude. How was it? Did you talk to her? She seems well. Good. I think she's doing alright. Misha Barton's Damn, dude. How was it? Did you talk to her? She seems well. Good. I think she's doing alright. Misha Barton's doing okay. The thing about childhood celebrities that I noticed at these functions,

they're always very calm and collected at parties. That's the main thing people say about childhood celebs. They've been there, they've done there. They're always hanging on the outskirts, smoking a little bit of pot, chilling. Being kind of chill. Macaulay Culkin in. For one.

Macaulay Culkin in. To name a few. Macaulay Culkin. If anyone here is a contractor and has a Calk Gun, please call it Macaulay Culkin. Macaulay Culkin. Send me a picture of you with your Macaulay Culkin at Ian Carmel on Twitter. True. If Macaulay Culkin, you should trademark that right now. Macaulay Culkin. Me and Macaulay Culkin at Ian Carmel on Twitter. True. If Macaulay Culkin, you

should trademark that right now. Macaulay Culkin. Me and Macaulay are going to go into business together. Macaulay's going to steal that. I got a brother's digits. Snapchat from my ex-girlfriend. Not opening it. You get notifications on your Snapchat? Yeah. I don't get a lot of Snapchats. I don't get a lot of them. Man, that's fucked up because I send you snaps sometimes.

You do not. And you don't open them. You never send me snaps. You've just got a snap from your ex-girlfriend. There do not. And you don't open them. You never send me snaps. You've just got to snap me. And now we all know that you never send me snaps. The Chipmunk song. I don't really have a lot to say about it. It's not my favorite Christmas song, but I love most Christmas songs. It's not my favorite either. I'm kind of fantasy draft a decent

team. I don't know. You think it was a bad pick and you're a bad person for drafting it. Don't let him bully you. I'm just joking. It's called Mental Warfare. You don't have to say I'm just joking. I's called mental warfare. He's getting in your brain. You don't have to say I'm just joking. I still like you. Can I go? I got a good one.

Okay, yeah. Sean Jordan, it is time for your pick following up on the Run Run Rudolph, a universally acclaimed pick. Tony Bennett favorite things. Ah, the Tony Bennett version. The Tony Bennett version.

Of my favorite things. A song. Now see here, I will say this is a Christmas song. Yeah, totally. How would it not be? It's from the Santa music. It's not, which is not a Christmas movie. But it's a Christmas, say this is a Christmas song. Yeah, totally. How would it not be? It's from the Santa music, which is not a Christmas movie. But it's a Christmas...

Isn't it a Christmas song? These are a few of my favorite things. Am I a fucking moron? It is played during Christmas. It is... Yeah. The sound of music is a Christmas music? No, it's not.

It's not. No, but favorite things Tony Bennett, I've always assumed is a Christmas song. Goddamn Nazis then. Goddamn... A bunch of GD Nazis. A bunch of Jerrys. You know? My grandpa didn't fight and die.

My grandpa didn't get almost massacred in WWII, the big one. By the krauts storming through the streets of France looking for Jews. Krauts doesn't mean sour? They were sour. They had quite the sour attitudes about Jews. Real F&A holes.

Yeah. Fun fact, during World War II, they called sauerkraut Liberty Cabbage. Did they really? Okay. Sauerkraut sounds better than Liberty Cabbage. Okay, guys. I'll give the Germans that. You can go with favorite things.

I will, as the commissioner of All Fair to See Everything. Okay. Because just out of respect to Tony Bennett. It just feels like a Christmas song. It's always playing around the holidays at the mall and things.

The fact that the brown paper package is tied up in the string. That makes it a Christmas song to me. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. I didn't know it was

from The Sound of Music. Watch The Sound of Music. Would you get some culture in your life? What's next? Idle Vice? Wait, how many picks Oh, that sounds like

a Christmas song. Five. Five altogether. Yeah, so favorite things. Yeah, you could look them up right now if you want on your phone. Totally. If you wanted. You don't have to.

Got them all up here in the old brain bank. Yeah, sure you do. In the old brain bank. What do you... Of the song favorite things, what's your favorite thing in the song favorite things? Just that these are a few of my favorite things. I know, but of the things he lists, what do you like? What would you want?

You know what I realized when I was looking up these songs is that I don't know a lot of these lyrics. One of them is like, we're raindrops. Well, like, Run Run Rudolph, all I know in Run Run Rudolph is that lyric. I don't know. But he jumbles it. But this song is sung very clearly by Mr. Tony Benedetto. TV,

if you know him. Antonio Bennett. Which makes him sound like a wide receiver for the Steelers, Which is fun. You never think about that. Okay, but Raindrops on Roses. Whiskers on Kittens. Love it. Whiskers on Kittens.

As you're saying them. Bright Copper. What is it? Really lame favorite things, too. Bright Copper. Well, again, this was like during World War II. So this is Julie Andrews singing the song while the Nazis are invading and they're fleeing. So her favorite things are stuff that could fit in a bag.

You know what I mean? Like a cat. Because you had to leave the house. You had to leave the art. But you could take raindrops on roses. You can see that on your slow march out of Germany. Whiskers on kittens, you know. In many ways, the Jews were considered rats by the Nazis.

So the whiskers on the kittens is a beard or a mustache on a Nazi soldier. Right? Bright copper kettles. That's what you take. You're like, we need metal. We need copper for the war effort. So you grab that. How do you know all this?

Warm woolen mittens. Ooh, it got cold. You know? And there was nothing colder than a blitzkrieg. It means lightning war. But there was nothing light about it. All right? It was cold.

It was calculated. But all they had was wool. Whiskers on kittens I'm going with. I like how Becky goes, why does he know so much about it? He's a Jewish man and things happen. I'm a Jewish. How do Jewish people know so much about history? Because it's just a constant story of people trying to end us.

I went to the Anne Frank Museum on shrooms. Did you? Yeah. What are the other favorite things? Anne Frank Museum. Yeah. Because you were on mushrooms. I don't know, man.

They're not all good jokes that I throw out. That was a good, that was a great joke. Don't beat yourself up. Thank you very much. Favorite thing is a beautiful song. Fantastic. What's the last favorite thing? Your least favorite thing?

Do you have the lyrics up there? Oh, no. I can pull them up. Yeah, I can pull them up, too. Becky, didn't we go to Jumbo's on Christmas Eve last year? Yeah. The clown room? I think it was Christmas Day.

Jumbo's Clown Room. Have you not been to Jumbo's Clown Room yet? Nope. Oh, we're going tonight. It's kind of a strip club. They never get naked. It's a... What would you call it?

I'd call that a bar. A social club. A social club, but they do performances. It's fun. It's very fun. It's really fun. Sure. It's a non-nude.

Sounds fun. When I got my handjob free, so that place was involved. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. Brown paper packages tied up with strings. These are a few of my favorite things. Brown paper packages. Cream colored ponies. Could be anything in there.

Crisp apple strudels. I love how they left that out to the open-ended. Doorbells. Doorbells. Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles. No, thank you. Oh, schnitzel with noodles is good. That's a Jewish dish. No way.

Schnitzel's German all the way. Noodles. If it was schnitzel with kugel, it would be Jewish. I'm amending my silver white winters that melt into springs. That's my new favorite one out of here. Silver... What is it? Silver White Winters That Melt Into Springs.

That sounds fun to me. That was high. That makes it Christmas-y. Yeah. Yeah. Sounds like something somebody wrote at Joshua Tree. Yeah. Kind of the song you'd want to sing.

I'm going to text him everything you're saying. He's going to know. Fantastic pick, Sean Jordan. Let's keep it moving. Thank you. It is time for my second pick the third pick go for it

of the second round and I am going to take ooh girl Carol of the Bells wow sing it is that the sing it The rock and roll version of that?

Wait, which version? The church version was nice, but the rock and roll version will get your dick hard. And that's the one I want. The Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. That's it. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. That's it. Trans-Siberian Orchestra. The LGBTQ.

That is the party starter. Have you ever looked up the... What are you doing? Why are Christmas songs just randomly played? We're going to get sued by people because snippets of these songs are popping up on you. No, it doesn't count. It's less than six seconds. Have you ever looked up...

Oh, that's actually true. Did you look the lyrics up? Wait, no, it's actually not true. I learned the hard way. This is a snap. Do you look the lyrics up to that ever? To Care of the Month? I know the last word is Christmas is here.

I don't know the lyrics. Carcass bells, sweet silver bells, all seem to say throw cares away. Oh, yeah. I'm looking at the lyrics. I've never seen them before. All seem to say throw cares away. Christmas is here, bringing good cheer. Wait.

It is... This song sounds like a murder is happening. Yeah. Yeah, like Hannibal's cooking someone's liver. Yeah, it's terrifying. It's like... The version from Home Alone is killer. It's so good.

When he's booking. Yeah. When he's running, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that when he's going home, like after he sees the spooky dude with the shovel? Yeah, but then he realizes he's not a spooky dude, you know? He's spooky he's a true story he's a good pal but it's such an aggro song it's almost like it's it makes sense the trans-siberian threw a little spice in it you know what i mean it's uh it's it's sick i mean it's if you heard that song and there were planes

flying overhead you'd be like i'm gonna die you know it sounds like it sounds like an invasion another red dawn like red dawn yeah just parachuting in i just love how gnarly it is i love when that comes in because it it doesn't feel like christmas it still feels like christmas but not the way any other christmas song like ominous christmas every other christmas song is like gonna make a walnut cake for you you know it's like it's like really kind of friendly but like this one's just you're gonna die carol the bells is like remember we're celebrating the son of God

a vengeful God who has swords for hands like that kind of it's very churchy it is churchy yeah but extreme churchy

like some Scientology shit like some hard shit like some scary yeah man it's just that's the reason

for the season baby for me Carol the Bells. Like pterodactyls. If they could pick a favorite song, that would be it. It sounds like the devil's favorite Christmas song. You know what I mean? If I gotta like one, I guess.

All right, well, make one for me. Okay, that one was good. Like Jeffrey Dahmer loved Carol of Bells. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, he would listen to it on like the 4th of July. Yeah. Real weird. Looking at frozen bodies. Well, but that makes sense because Christmas in July. Sure. Oh, he would listen to it on like the 4th of July. Yeah. Real weird. Looking at frozen bodies.

Well, but that makes sense because Christmas in July. Sure. Oh, there you go. He would listen to it on Flag Day. Yes. There we go. No? Is that in July?

No, I don't know. I'm just saying Flag Day. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He used to play it whenever I had to do conditioning at gymnastics. Is that true? That makes sense too. Knuckle push-ups?

Yeah. Right? I don't know if I'm familiar with gymnastics. Well, true? That makes sense too. Knuckle push-ups? Yeah. Right? I don't know if I'm a good gymnastics When my parents got divorced, I played that for a whole day straight in my room, Lockwork Orange style. You what? Just stapled my eyes open when my parents got divorced and played that in my room for a day straight. Sometimes I'll listen to that and then smash glass on the floor and walk over it.

When I have my die-hard days, die-hard days over at Ian Carmel Ford and I will walk on glass to give you a deal. It makes you appreciate the days that you don't have. Man, they should have played that during that scene. Walking on. When Diehard was, his name's Diehard in that movie. When Diehard was walking on the broken glass.

The glass. You're walking on broken glass. Sean, were you about to say something? I don't think so. Good. No, I'm just joking. I might have been. I thought you were. I think maybe. I don't know. I can't remember.

Well, listen, stop, Beck. No, it was a song that just... Heck, this is a free-flowing conversation that occasionally borders on mature topics. That's what the BS Report, they used to say before. Shout out to Bill Simmons. Johnny McKay, another

Irishman, it is time for your second pick to build on the success of last christmas and i'll remind you you're about to make back-to-back picks true story oh okay well one uh i'm gonna i'm gonna bring one up that you guys are gonna say a silent night no i love silent night silent night it because what kind of a godless heathen would i be if i said, oh, Silent Night? Silent Night holds a special place in my heart. Talk about it. Because actually.

Because Christmas vacation? No, Becky, I'm talking. Hit him in the face, Becky. Get up and hit him in the face. Dan, I'm too relaxed. You are pretty chill. I'm so comfortable right now. Also, he's got a pigskin in his hand.

He can hit me in the schnoz at any moment. The schnoz. May I continue, Becky? Please. Silent Noche. Silent Night. Noche. On December 11th, which is

today, 2008, I got the shit kicked out of me at a bar. Really? Oh, yeah! Yeah, I got my nose and cheek broken. One hit. Guy had a hell of a right hook. Whoa. Was it your fault?

No. What? I came to in an ambulance. We were friends at this point. Yes, we were. Did we just become friends, man? I believe so. Yeah.

And they let my drunk friends come in the ambulance. And then they convinced the ambulance driver to turn on the Christmas station. Swing through Taco Bell. Oh no, yeah. So I come to hearing Silent Night and I'm like, well, I died. And I look around and it's just like

blood and then a paramedic and I was just like, what happened? Then Silent Night's just playing and for a good five seconds I thought I was in another life. You really did? Yeah. That's crazy. Why did you get punched again? I know you didn't do anything. Was it just like a random

sucker punch? What was it? It was definitely a sucker punch. Yes. It's a long story. It involves Mateo, had recently started seeing an ex-girlfriend of this man. Oh, yeah. And, you know, he got about a 10-foot running head start and gave me a good one. Why you?

Super saiyan punched you. You weren't seeing his ex-girlfriend. Were you talking loose? I might have been talking loose. Bumping your gums a little bit. That's fine. You got to do what you got to do bit it's fine you gotta do what you gotta do we're sassy boys yeah yeah we're sassy boys sometimes we sassy yeah yeah i could contain this sass yeah you got some sass in you yeah you know i'm sure i'm sure i was just wishing him a happy holiday absolutely in your own special way happy fucking holidays i remember that didn't, wasn't the settlement you got helped you move to LA though or something like that?

Sure, sure. Sure, sure. We all have, I used bar mitzvah money. You got punched in the face. We all have our own ways down here. No joke. The best thing that ever happened to me. Yeah.

So if anyone's out there and needs to just hit someone, I am down. You're ready for it again. Yeah. Silent Night is a fantastic song. Yeah. That's a great pick. It says it all. Silent Night. Silent Night 2, what song. Yeah. That's a great pick. It says it all. Silent Night.

Silent Night 2, what's playing at the beginning of Bad Santa, and that's what makes it so beautifully dramatic. He's throwing up in an alleyway to Silent Night. Yeah. And you're just like, yes. It lets you know everything you need to know about that night. Silent Night, check. Holy Night, yes.

True. Is everything calm? You bet your ass. Is it bright? Is it bright? Also true. A little bit. A little bit. The snow's lighting it up. And everything calm? You bet your ass. Is it bright? Is it bright? Also true. A little bit. A little bit.

The snow is lighting it up. And then there's something mother and child. Everything else is just disarray. Round young virgin? Yeah. You know what that means? Round young virgin. Yeah, what a buzzkill.

Mother and child. What is this round young? Round because she's pregnant, I guess. I don't know. Young virgin. Yeah, probably. But it also kind of sounds like surround the virgin. Why were they so upset?

Why were old religions so obsessed with virginity? That's not a fun role in the hay. Well, Ian, I'll tell you why. Oh, please expand. From one virgin. From one virgin to another. To another, thank you. For a specific reason.

I don't know. Excellent song, John Larkin. Thank you. It is time for you to make your third pick on the heels of Silent Night. I love it. I got to go with, I mean, we were just discussing it, but I was already going to say it. Okay. So don't say it was your idea.

Okay. But from the 1988 classic Die Hard Christmasmas in hollis oh yes when argyle is whipping yeah dude the limo yes and he and bruce will is like i thought we were gonna listen to christmas music he's like man this is christmas music it's christmas time in hollis queens. It's the best. Sitting up front with Argyle in the limo smoking. Dude, Argyle, I think he died. Oh, in real life? Yeah. RIP to a true player.

RIP to Argyle, dude. Yeah. Yeah, that's a fucking good pick. It's a great song. He was the driver in Die Hard. You've seen Die Hard? Say it. Tell me you've never seen Die Hard.

We will drive to Nakatomi Tower right now. Right now. You can see it. It's real close. It it is i was thinking about that the other day if they had right over there they should if they had any smarts in that place they would do a live just action walkthrough of die hard and not so fun god if they did like even a play kind of thing like if you can pay to be one of the hostages or something oh kidding me knock it like they came and they're like all right i if i had money i'd pay name the amount you know what i mean like if they knocked on your door it's the whole thing like all right at some point during your stay in the hotel we're gonna knock on your door with guns we're gonna corral

you into the lobby and die hard the movie plays out like you're one of the hostages shoot so the whole time they're her her well you're an all right guy our gal i have a machine gun too yes that is a fantastic thing i've completely forgot about alan rickman i used to think i had a good alan rickman impression then these fucking brits mr potter who I worked with. They were like, it's terrible. Scaly. Those Brits with their scales for hands. Slytherin.

Those egg-laying fucking Brits. They lay eggs, John. Instead of babies, they lay eggs. Brits aren't born. They're hatched. Mr. Potter. Mr. Potter. I didn't mean that in British. Christmas in Hollis is great. It's one of the few rap songs. It may be the only. Potter. I didn't mean that in British. Christmas in Hollis is great.

It's one of the few rap songs. It may be the only rap song that gets taken. I didn't even think about it. Now, the Diplomats had a whole Christmas album, but anyway. It may be the only Christmas album that gets taken in this draft. It's fantastic. Yep. Run DMC, nail it.

It still feels Christmassy. Yeah, it is. Yeah, you could feel the season, but you still feel like, hey, don't fuck with me. Don't fuck with me. But it's that fun kind of 80s rap, too. It starts kind of like, it sounds like a ho, ho, ho, and it's like, to me, I just hear ho, ho, ho. Yeah.

God. We should go drop the top and just blast that. Hell yeah, dude. And kill some people. No, that's too far. It's a fantastic pick. Anything else to say about Christmas and Hollis? I mean, it says it all.

No. It's a good pick. Did you hear the DMX? Donner and Dancer and Dasher and Blitzen. He did a cover of the... Oh, I have heard that. Yeah. It's so...

It's so good. You're just giving away picks? Well, no. You can pick it if you want. Well, no. It's not good enough for my lineup. I wasn't going to. Mine either.

I'm just saying. Well, because I don't... I think he just sang it on like the Breakfast Club or something. I don't know if you ever put it on a track. That's exactly what it was. Right? It's Christmas time in Hollis, Queens. Mom's kicking chicken and collard greens.

Rice and stuff and macaroni and cheese. And Santa put gifts under Christmas trees. That sounds perfect to me. Yeah. See, that's fun. That's a good fucking. That's a good day. Chicken, collard greens, rice, stuffing, and macaroni and cheese.

And gifts. That's. And in Queens, New York, by all means. Say no more. It's a carb-heavy Christmas, though. I will say that. Do you think Mobb Deep was there when they recorded that? I hope so.

Mobb Deep was like three. Mobb Deep was at a synagogue. No place was better in the 1980s than Queens. Than Queens. That was the best. That was the place to live. Take me to Queens. Take me to Queens.

John, excellent pick. We'll move it along here. It is time for my third pick. Get it. The second pick of the third round. Yes. And I am going to take, I am going to take, I am going to take, motherfucking, God, there's two I really want to take.

Okay, I'm going to take It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year by Andy Williams. The Andy Williams song. I love it. It's the most wonderful time of the year. Ding dong, ding dong. I love... It's smooth.

Andy Williams got that smooth voice. You know what I mean Yeah It's just smooth Feels like the top of a snow globe His voice is so smooth What's the word When he starts listing shit off What are all the things he says

It's white copper kettles There'll be bushels And moon as And turn and turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn

And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn And turn, and turn, and turn, and turn, and turn, and turn, and turn, and turn, and turn, and turn, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, It just – you know that song? It feels like you're walking into just some sort of Christmas spectacular. It feels like that song is playing and you're walking into a room and there's lights everywhere and a tiny little choo-choo train driving by. I bet it's playing at the Americana right now. It's probably playing at the Americana in Glendale, California, the most wonderful city on earth. Yeah, because they have a Red Robin up there. They do have a Red – it's so good. You still fuck with Red Robin? I went to Red Robin on my last birthday. I a Red Robin. It's so good. You still fuck with Red Robin?

I went to Red Robin on my last birthday. I love Red Robin. Just to bring me back to Tigard, Oregon. Found in Seattle. Of course I love it. Do you like Red Robin? I love Red Robin. Leave bottomless fries.

What can go wrong? It's delicious. When people say they don't like it, they're lying. They're lying. They're just trying to sound cool. And it reeks of uncoolness. Lying. Awesome.

Yep. True story. Well, here's the wonderful things. With kids jingle belling and everyone telling you to be of good cheer. You don't need to tell me. It's not only the most wonderful time of year, it's also the hap-happiest season of all, which is important to remember. Kind of repetitive.

Especially under a Trump presidency. I won't hear that criticism. That fell on deaf ears, Mr. McKay. Because it's the most wonderful time of the year, which is more of a micro compliment. Happiest season. There's only four seasons. So it's the most wonderful time of the happiest season. Not in Los Angeles, am I right?

God. Construction and winter. We're lucky if we get two. Construction and winter in LA? It's just construction and construction. Holiday greetings and gay happy meetings. You know,

so it's progressive. Back when you could say gay in a song. And that was so brave at the time. I was so brave of Andy to say that. Yeah.

Parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting and caroling out in the snow. Scary ghost stories and tales of glory. Now that's, I'll stop myself right here. This is everything

a girl makes a guy do. Oh, sorry. Scary, what? Go on. Scary ghost stories? That's a guy do. Oh, sorry. Scary, what? Go on. Scary ghost stories? That's a weird thing that he lists in this. It is weird. There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of glory.

The Williams family had a freaky Christmas. That's what I'm learning right now. Tales of what? It goes, so it goes, parties for hosting, marshmallows for toasting, caroling out in the snow. Check. All sales good.

There'll be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago. What scary? Is that a reference to a Christmas carol? Maybe a Christmas carol, like the ghosts, I guess. But there's signs. The ghost is scary for half a page. It's like, boo. I hear chains outside, and it's just like, you need to get your life right.

Like, that's what it goes. That's a very specific version of the Christmas carol. face but in scrooge and screw yeah the last ghost is terrifying and yeah it is scary but scary ghost stories i don't think of scary ghost stories when i think of christmas i don't either it's christmas time time to freak my shit out and read scary stories to tell in the dark no i say no anyway this is this is my pick. So it's great. It's fantastic. And everybody loves it. Even with the ghost storyline, it just lights me up. I love it. It's just like when I hear that song, I can't help but smile.

Sure. It's like Andy Williams is tickling you with some references. So that is my third pick. Okay. Sean Jordan. And it's time for your third pick. I'm going to say Feliz Navidad. Ooh.

Prospero. I love it. Prospero. Right when it kicks in, you just start smiling. I'm just like, these fucking dudes are happy right now. Yes. That's what I, when I hear that song, I just think they sound happy. Just some dudes just like Feliz Navidad.

And they just sound like jolly. You know? Feliz Navidad. Yeah. It's so. And when he goes into, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. He means it. I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. I feel it from the bottom of his heart when he says it. And that's where it's coming from.

And it's also a Happy New Year. That's what Prospero Año y Felizidad means. It's like he switches from chopsticks to a fork. He does. He's just like, I don't know anymore. Yeah, he's like, that's as much Spanish as I know. It's so funny.

Prosperoanio y felicidad. I want to wish you It just fucking rocks when it gets into that. And then it goes back to Feliz Navidad and it's like, cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. Feliz Navidad, cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. Yeah. Feliz Navidad, cha-cha, cha-cha-cha. Navidad is a cool name too.

Yeah. It just rolls down off the tongue. Feliz Navidad. Navidad. So does Feliz. Feliz does too. Los Feliz. What's your kid's name?

Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad. This is my daughter Feliz and my large son Navidad. This is my sturdy son, Navidad. Yeah, Navidad. And my quaint daughter, Felice. She quaint as fuck. My happy daughter.

She quaint as fuck. Is she quaint? She quaint? Oh, she happy as hell. Yeah. Is Felice happy? Yeah, well, she black as hell, too. Yeah, Felice is happy.

That's the blackest of the very sweetest. They say the black is the better. Friday. My favorite Christmas movie. It's not a Christmas. I don't think that. Christmas Tucker. Christmas Tucker.

They started Christmas Tucker. And Icicle Cube. Icicle Cube. Does Feliz Navidad play at Mexican restaurants year-round? I hope so. It should. I mean, they can play at Mexican restaurants year-round? I hope so. It should. I mean, they can play at any restaurant year-round. They can play at a sushi restaurant.

I listened to that song during Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur because of the Jewish New Year of Rosh Hashanah. Are you Jewish? Big time. You're Jewish? Oh, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Feliz Navidad's a great pick, Sean.

Thanks. I finally got it right. oh hell yeah oh hell yeah Felicia that's a great pick Sean thanks I finally fucking I finally got it right it's the first bilingual song on here if you don't consider Carol the Bell to be a song

sung by angels in an angel language or aliens they sound like lunatic aliens they do yeah are there foreign listeners deranged aliens

almost primarily yeah Kazakhstan Czechoslovakia Ian I would have loved to known this before we got to the job. Most of our listeners exist in countries that aren't around anymore.

So it's Rhodesia and Czechoslovakia. Prussia. Prussia. We have a huge Prussian fan base. Atlantis. Yeah, Atlantis. We have like a lot of... The underwater community. We're sponsored by Atlantis. Can I think of any more? The Congo?

No, Congo's a country. I'm all tangled in the rope. Anyway. You're chilling too hard over there. I don't know how you got tangled. Feliz Navidad. Is there anything else to say about Feliz Navidad? Feliz Navidad.

I mean, it's very self-explanatory. It is. Like you said, happy Christmas and happy New Year. Feliz Navidad? Feliz Navidad. I mean, it's very self-explanatory. It is. Like you said, happy Christmas and happy New Year. Feliz Navidad. Well, happy Christmas and happy New Year to you. Excellent pick. Becky. Yeah, you heard that.

It is time for your third and then fourth picks. I am so ready. I'm so ready. All right. I'm going to come out of the gates with Santa Baby. Put a sable under the tree for me Asher

been an awful who is she? why is she an infant? I have no idea it's Eartha Kitt you do it very well though G with the assist again we could get you a mic at some point

Eartha Kitt sang it. Catwoman. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And a bunch of people redid it, but nobody has that like. Nobody's done it.

A fur disabled. Yeah. A sable. Like a big, like a fur coat. That's what she wants. What's a sable, by the way? A sable's a fur coat. Sable is a type of fur.

Yeah. It's a mink. It's a mink coat. Oh, that changes everything. I always thought it was a version of a horse coat. Sable is the type of fur. It's a mink. It's a mink coat. Oh, that changes everything. I always thought it was a version of a horse stable. No, you didn't. I don't believe that for a second. I'm in my early 20s.

Oh, that's true. That's true. Maybe you did. I don't have Ian's knowledge. A sable? I wasn't like, you're 30. It's time to learn what a sable is. I'm in my 30s. I'm thinking about buying fur. I would fuck with a fur coat, by the way. I saw a Peter Billboard.

I for sure fuck with a fur coat. I saw a Peter Billboard the other day that was like, Joaquin Phoenix doesn't wear wool and neither should you. Like, I give a fuck what Joaquin Phoenix is wearing. You know what? Be the weird kid in Gladiator and then don't tell me about wool, Joaquin Phoenix. Yeah, I don't give a damn.

You know? Who's wearing that? Fuck Joaquin Phoenix. You can't wear wool now? You can't wear wool. But how many have leather seats? All of them. They don't know.

They're like, oh, where are these leather? Fuck you. Their iPhone cases leather. Hollywood, am I right? It's gone off the tracks, in my opinion. You know? I right? It's gone off the tracks, in my opinion. You know?

I know. I feel you. I smell what you're stepping into. You know the left coast? I hear you, Cluck and Big Chicken. The left wing coast. It's just weird. I'm like, honestly, who's driving by that like, oh, wait, Joaquin Phoenix thinks wool is bad?

I should get rid of all my wool. Yeah. Because Joaquin Phoenix says so? It's a weird, just tell me why wool is bad. Don't be rid of all my wool. Yeah. Because Joaquin Phoenix says so? It's a weird... Just tell me why wool is bad. Don't be like Joaquin Phoenix says. They don't even have to die. They don't even have to die.

Well, also, Joaquin, come on. They paid Khloe Kardashian a ton of money to do a bunch of those PETA ads. Yeah. Did they really? Yeah. Oh, God. So they're paying people to do it?

It's the opposite. It's like when we were talking about shitting in Taco Bell or anything. Like, in marketing class, when you're learning how terrible McDonald's is, God. So they're paying people to do it? It's the opposite. It's like when we were talking about shitting in Taco Bell or anything. Like in marketing class when you're learning how terrible McDonald's is, you leave and you're like, I want McDonald's. Yes. You know? I see Chloe in anything related to fur.

I'm like, I need fur. I need some fur. You know? Anyway, you want a sable under the tree. I need a floor length mink under the tree. It's a weird sexy baby song. She wants to fuck Santa. The sexy baby wants to fuck Santa. That's kind of what that song is about. That's a fun pick. It's the weird sexy baby song. She wants to fuck Santa. The sexy baby wants to fuck Santa.

That's kind of what that song is about. That's a fun pick. It's the happy birthday. Sexy baby wants to fuck Santa tonight for free. Yeah, and nobody's ever going to fuck Santa. No, you can't fuck Santa. That's the whole point. It's extremely weird.

And also, I'm like, is the youngest kid in the house trying to fuck Santa? I mean, yeah, Santa didn't sound like he killed Osama Bin Laden. Santa was always down to fuck. Santa's kind of sexy. There are sexy versions of Santa. He's a version of a hero, but he's nowhere near

Santa Claus is a bigger hero than me. Santa Claus was on the other day. Santa's a bigger hero than the guy who killed Osama Bin Laden. Santa is a goddamn

fluke for all we know. You know what I mean? Santa goes down chimneys all the time. Santa's a white Bill Cosby. Do you remember believing in Santa? What? Do you remember believing in Santa? What?

Do you remember believing? What do you know about Santa? Because of all these songs that are like, Santa, like there's so many songs. Santa didn't do that. They want Santa to step,

fuck him. What? And what do you mean all these? There's two of them. No, there's a- There's this one and I saw Mommy Kissing Santa in the last.

No, what's the song? Baby It's Cold Outside is pretty maybe. But that's not from Santa, that's not Santa singing that to anybody. But it's a holiday song. Yeah, It's Cold Outside. But that's not Santa singing that to anybody. But it's a holiday song. Yeah, but it's not like Santa singing it.

Everyone's so mad. All right, fine. Becky, you just had sex with a man who kills people. So what? Killed. Santa kills people. Let Santa slay. I guarantee you Santa kills people.

I guarantee you he's getting money from the CIA. Some people are standing in the way. A drunk stepdad? A man who can get into a house that easy. Yeah. Santa's an assassin. That's what they don't tell you. That's why Santa delivers presents.

Oh my God, we just cracked it wide open. 364 days a year, Santa is a CIA assassin killing people. And to make up for the guilt that he feels in his heart, one day a year, he delivers presents. And that naughty and nice list, that's active year round, baby. Yep. But you know what? Those gifts will never make up for that guilt.

No, he can't sleep. No. That's why on Christmas, he's going to be up anyway because he can't fucking fall asleep thinking about all the people who won't give presents. And he's never going to die.

Yeah. He's trapped in his personal health. Santa's like Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting. Right? Reindeer Team Six. Think about it. Fucking think about it, guys.

I'm thinking about it, dude. Welcome back to InfoWars.com. The kids are sitting on his lap. I don't know. Building 7. Sorry, I thought we were going into conspiracy theories. We were going into InfoWars. Oh, can we watch Zeitgeist real quick?

Oh, Zeitgeist. Should we just put Zeitgeist on that? Oh, Zeitgeist. Can we just put Zeitgeist on that? Or even Zeitgeist Part 2? Santa Baby. Excellent pick, Becky. Do we have anything else to say about Santa Baby by Eartha Kitt? Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed. Oh, that's right.

Next year I'll be also. No, you won't, bitch. She did. She's like, look, I kept, you't go i didn't go whoring around this year that's what she's saying whore is a strong word she didn't go whoring around guys can be whores too guys whore around all the time she says what does she say next year i'll be oh so something if you'll check off my christmas list yeah something it's a real gold digging well look we're all we're all just trying to we just trying to squirrels trying to get a nut.

We're all squirrels just trying to get a nut. Is that a Christmas song? CNC Music Factory? CNC Music Factory. We talk about squirrels and nuts, right? One of the best rap lyrics ever. I'm just a squirrel looking for a nut. So Santa Baby. Trip Monk's song is Santa Baby. You like songs sung in weird voices. I wonder if this is because you're such a character yourself, you nut.

The nut don't fall too far from the tree. I don't know, Ian. Maybe. I suppose. Thank you for yes-anding my... We got a real yes-Anderson over here. Alright. Santa, baby. Just wait till you hear my last two

picks. Okay. Well, we're going to hear one of them right now. What is your fourth pick, Becky? Oh, right now? Back to back. Okay, sure. Okay. I learned the game from Wayne Wilson. All right.

You can never test me. I will pick. Part of me wants to throw out Destiny's Child, Eight Days of Christmas, but I'm not going to. You did just throw it out. So, I'm going to throw out Justin Bieber. Which one? Which one? You don't even know the name of it.

Which one are you going to do? That one Justin Bieber song. That's not how you bank draft it. The main Christmas Justin Bieber song. That's the one. Uh-oh. Sorry, I just got an important email. That can't be. Mistletoe? It's called Mistletoe, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I just got an important email. That can't be.

Mistletoe? It's called Mistletoe, dude. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right? How does Mistletoe by Justin Bieber go? Honey, will you, will you? Oh, of course. Well, listen, I don't know anything about it, but I have come full circle on Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber is rad. I am a believer. Mm-hmm. Me too. I fucking love Justin Bieber. It's called Mistletoe. Mistletoe. Shout out to the carpool karaoke's we did with Justin Bieber. I am a Belieber. Big time. I fucking love Justin Bieber. Me too. Mistletoe. Shout out to the carpool karaoke's we did with Justin Bieber.

It turned me into a fan. Oh, yeah. Immediately. He's funny and sweet. He really is. He's like a funny dude. And he's got a decent hog on him. A decent hog?

Yeah, he's got a nice penis. Justin Bieber's penis. We saw pictures of it this year. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's swinging some rope. Yeah, a little bit of rope, he's got a nice penis. Justin Bieber's penis. We saw pictures of it this year. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's swinging some rope. Yeah, a little bit of rope. He's got enough. He's got enough rope to climb up on.

Guy's got a pipe. He's got a pipe on him. J.R. Smith and Justin Bieber. Trying to get the pipe. J.R. Smith too? J.R. Smith. Not Jaden Smith. No, I mean Jaden Smith probably doesn't...

I don't know. I got a feeling Jaden Smith's going to be a problem for all of us. Seems like it. Talk us through this Biebs pic a little more, Becky. What? It's got a great email. What is it about? Good news?

Word stuff. That's nice. Good news for you? Yeah. I like that. I'm happy for you. The holidays can be tough times. They can be.

Is it work? Not every day is a happy day. Sing this Justin Bieber song and get me in a better mood since I didn't get a good email. Are you okay? Wait, what? Sing us through it? No, you don't have to sing us through it. Just talk us through it.

Why did you pick it? Because it was like right before his balls dropped. Yeah. Oh, so he still got that like Vienna Boys Choir thing going. By the way, he's still got an amazing voice, and his balls have definitely dropped. He does. He does. He totally does.

But it brings me back to a time where Justin Bieber was popping off, and I was a little bit older than a teen, but I got it, along with the teens. And I love, anytime a pop star is so hot, they, of course, they're reps. I'm sure, like, we're going to do a Christmas album. Yes. Yeah. Guaranteed. Guaranteed.

You're going to do a fucking Christmas album yeah listen kid they don't do that for comics I don't know why we should be putting out holiday specials it's time for your Kwanzaa joke it's that time of year but it was just it was like it was so perfect and good

at that time and it still holds strong and I love it and I feel like every time it comes on all the white women pop off to it. I'm for any song where the white women pop off to it. I really am. If a song

gets like aunts aunts? The aunts women. Anyway, white women, if it's getting them on the dance floor it's getting me on the dance floor. I get the musical taste of a white woman for the most part. I'm on board with that. Yeah, you do too. Yeah.

Yeah, I would throw that out there. Just love twist and shout. Oh, I love twist and shout. I'll do that. I dance like a white mom. I dance like my white mom. Excellent pick, Becky. Thank you.

Saint Sue Carmel. Sean Tell Jordan. Yes. Sean Patrick Jordan. There we go. Sean Tell Williams. Whitney Houston, Patrick Jordan. There we go. Chantel Williams. Whitney Houston, Do You Hear What I Hear. She fucking knocks it out of the park.

It's the closest I could get to I Will Always Love You, which is just a song I always want to put on any list I'm involved with. What's Whitney Houston up to these days? Passed on. Passed on. Passed on. All right. Passed on.

A child. A child. Passed on. But it's such a it's she just wails on it she done croaked in a bathtub a star

a star it's one of those songs where if you sing along with it you think you can sing yes like any weekend song too

whenever you you sing along you're like I can fucking sing and then the song shuts off you're like I can do this

do you ever here's the problem do you ever do that where you're like I can fucking sing this song and you like get so confident that you turn off the radio i constantly and then you just blow it i check all the time like when a lot when i'm by myself i will because it's it's still the most embarrassing thing in the world for me to sing in front of people yes i can't think of anything more embarrassing yeah so when i'm by myself i get embarrassed by myself but yeah what if i can sing all of a sudden you hear your voice cracking and you're like well this ain't it i can sing i have i can sing really

well in a very small range very it's got to be kind of a bob segery type song but i can fucking nail those i can do like you were there when i crushed that cold war kids song you did yeah you did which one uh hang Me Out to Dry. Hang me out to dry. I thought the Cold War Kids were here for a second. I don't even want to sing it right now. All the listeners thought the Cold War Kids were in here for a second. You don't want to bust a tweeter? I don't want to bust a tweeter.

You're like Will Ferrell and Step Brothers. Yeah. I don't want to. I'm shy. Becky strikes me like you'd be a good singer. There's no way. I'm a little raspy right now. Yeah. That can be good. I'm shy. Becky strikes me like you'd be a good singer. There's no way. I'm a little raspy right now. Yeah.

That can be good. I can contort the voice. Ray LaMontagne's pretty raspy, and he's a good singer. That guy that you wouldn't let me watch all of at Bumbershoot. Oh, yeah. Come on. Sean, if you want me to sing. No, Whitney Houston, Do You Hear What I Hear.

I love it. And it speaks for itself. It's great. Do you hear what I hear? I like a song with a repeat hi yeah yeah like little drummer boy yeah yeah do you remember that one yes yes yes i do of course i love that song yeah do you remember that one it's about travis actually i think it's about duff mckeegan it's about Duff McKagan. McKagan? McKagan?

How do you say Duff's? McKagan. McKagan. John McKagan. McKagan. Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee McKagan. Just naming drummers.

Excellent pick, Sean. Thanks, man. Hey, no problem, bro. That was nice of you, dude. You're welcome. And I'm glad you're my friend. Moving on to the next pick, it is my turn to pick, and I'm going to take perhaps a controversial pick. In fact, 100% a controversial pick.

Oh, God. Here we go. I dare you. I'm going to take Baby, It's Cold Outside. Oh, I don't think it's... People think... Because you won't let her leave. Because this song is rapey.

I don't... He's not holding her. He's just trying to talk her into staying. He's concerned. That's called game. Here's the thing. It's consensual at the end of the day, I feel like. It is.

I can understand. It's just hustle. I think there's a thing with this song, and I'm fully prepared to be... Listen, maybe I'm wrong, and this is just me talking, and I don't shape my life. I would never be the guy in the Baby It's Cold Outside song but this song and that Robin Thicke one the You Know You Want It

that one that's I don't think that's rapey either that's a little more I think both of these songs that's like saying you're asking for it kind of vibe

no it's not what part of that song is how can we say Baby It's Cold Outside sounds rapey when every other rap song is like shake that ass bitch burn that ass to the floor can we say Baby It's Cold Outside sounds rapey when every other rap song is like, shake that ass, bitch!

Burn that ass to the floor! Right, exactly! Yeah! Baby It's Cold Outside, he's just asking 80 times in a row. And she's just like, I really shouldn't. But you've never been in that situation where you're being coy or they're being coy. It's called spitting game. You're dangling the puss to make it seem like it's more sought after.

I really shouldn't. It was chivalrous. This woman, the woman in it's cold inside is like the same way I am before I go back for thirds at a buffet where I'm like, I really shouldn't. I've driven on ice. Is that a fresh tray of mac and cheese? Is that a fresh? I shouldn't. It's getting late.

I mean, I don't need more pizza, but it's right there. People will talk. That's what it is. And here's my opinion. Here's my take. This is my take, and I could be wrong and I'm fully prepared to be wrong. But my take about this song and the Robin Thicke one. What is that song called? Blurred Lines.

Blurred Lines. My take on both of those is these are songs about society telling women that they should not exercise sexual agency and that there's a way that women are supposed to act. And if you're a good girl, you don't go for a one-night stand at Bing Crosby's house or whatever it is. You know, that's what society's telling you. And this guy's just like, look, you're your own person. Both of these songs are like, you can fuck if you want to, you know.

But it's freezing out there. You know you want to. It's warm in here, you know. You know you want to. And I could be wrong about that. And all that aside, all those politics aside, it's just a great song. It's really funny thinking about what maybe the opposite, which the roles might be. Yeah.

I'll try to talk the guy to stay. It's cold outside. I work early tomorrow. It's a 15-second song. You twist my arm already. He's trying to get him to stay, though. You just take it as close as possible. You really should stay

well alright I'll sit on your face but they've already hooked up but it's him trying to leave would be like the version of it my uber's just here you might as well stay I'll get charged 5 bucks if I cancel

here's five bucks. Him trying to stay after he already got his nuts. Yeah, after he already got his nuts. That's the song. There's really no need. I can postmate us some food. I've got my own bed. Yeah, there's a guest room over there. My roommates will wonder

where I am. I've got a girlfriend back home. Thank you very much for the dome. Thank you very much for the dome. There it is. We've got a couple kids as well. My life is going to hell.

Anyway, I like Baby It's Cold Outside. I get that it's controversial, and I understand why. In a great way. In kind of at least a way that spurs fun conversation. So that is my fourth pick. Johnny Mac, it is time for your fourth and final fifth pick. Okay, look.

If you want to talk controversy, I do. I'm going to throw out a song that I have not even heard. What? That I did not even know existed until I looked at the Billboard Top 100 Holiday list right now.

Okay. And at number 61. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. No. What is it? The title is called St. Brick Intro by none other. Oh, I know who this is. Than goddamn Gucci Mane.

Gucci Mane. Gucci Mane. St. Brick Intro. It's a fun video too, actually. What's this? What? So. I haven't Mane. Saint Brick intro. It's a fun video, too, actually. What's his... So... I haven't seen that. Let me see it.

Gucci Mane is so tight. Gucci Mane. Fantastic. I mean, there's not much to say about it other than you do have two... Because you haven't heard it, but you have two rap songs on your list. I love that. I just think Gucci Mane should be... Anything he does touches...

It becomes gold. Gucci's having a great year. He is? Gucci got out of prison. Gucci lost all that weight. He's vegan. He's engaged. He's vegan.

Gucci's vegan now? Yeah. Gucci Mane's vegan. Unless you can't pussy is not being vegan. You like that about him? That he's vegan or that he eats pussy? I'm not going to buy a bitch I might be. Are you vegan?, I might be. Are you vegan?

Bitch, I might be. It's not a vegan... He doesn't talk about being vegan on his songs, I don't think. You like that about him? That he's vegan? Yeah. I like that he's getting himself together. Yeah, he's reeling it in a little bit.

To not... Getting yourself together involves not eating meat? Well, for some people... The guy drank like a gallon of Prhazine every day i want it to be gucci time for a long time yes so whatever it takes for him to get there we all want lemonade 2.0 yes i don't love i don't love that he's i don't love that he's vegan i love that he's being healthier okay i appreciate lemon lemon by the way. Lemon. Lemon is vegan, so it's all good. He can still do that.

The song wasn't like sauce and lasagna. There it is. Now you pick your final one. Oh, I thought that was five. That was four. That's four. That was four. St. Brick intro by Gucci Mane.

All right. I'm going to go Timeless Classic, White Christmas. Sure. Oh, yes. Because want to know what? You are very white pride and white nationalism. Carmel, look It covers a lot of different demographics And just political beliefs

Yes If you're a racist And you want to celebrate the season You play White Christmas If you're just in the holiday season And you want to hear a great song White Christmas If you're around the family

You want to do Blow But you can't White Christmas Hey, you guys want to go have a White Christmas in If you're around the family, you want to do blow, but you can't. Right. White Christmas. Hey, you guys want to go have a white Christmas in the other room? You know, a little blow talk. Kevin Callister singing into his, that's white Christmas, right? Just like an upbeat version of it.

Yeah. Yeah. Remember that talk, man? That's the version, in my opinion. That is, yeah. He's using the fucking, he's combed for a microphone then he puts aftershave and then he brutes himself yeah

I didn't get that for years I was like why is he screaming it's the cut it's the fucking cut it's a great pick it's got a little swing to it it's a deep voice song

which I like may your days may your days may your days it's a good shower it's a good shower holiday song it is that is what's the high part it goes may your days, may your days, may your days. It's a good shower holiday song. It is. That is.

What's the high part? It goes. May your days, may your days, may your days. He does that. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, it is. It's great because you can sing it real loud in the shower and it's so low that you don't really need to have a good voice.

You just need to be able to sing low and kind of nail it. That's where I can sing is when it's like a low situation or falsetto. Sing like nobody's listening. Yeah, well I sing like everyone in Madison Square Garden who bought a ticket to see Ian Carmelo is listening. That's what I sing like.

Alright guys, I'm now going to go into White Christmas. I know it's August 4th, but kind of my signature hit. And you're going to take it to the August 4th, but kind of my signature hit. And you're going to take her to the August 4th show. That's on you. Yeah, dude, it's a great pick. Thank you.

Hey, you're welcome. You're welcome. Thank you. It is time for me now. There it is. Whatever, dude. To make my final pick. Oh, God, here we go. And with my fifth pick, I made the Earth Sick. Okay. And I am taking...

Ooh. Wait, let me look at my list real quick. Dun-da-dun. Okay. I'm taking Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen.

Sure. Santa Claus is coming to town. The boss, dude. We were just listening to that earlier. The boss, dude. The fucking boss. Santa Claus is coming to town and he is, by the way.

He sees you when you're sleeping. Now, that's somebody who actually could sing that song on August 4th in Madison Square Garden, and people would be fine with it. People would be so stoked. It is an all-year Christmas song. Jew, by the way, Bruce Springsteen. Anyway. Wait, are you?

Jewish. You're Jewish? Jewish. I didn't know that. Wow. One of the main Jews. I got one. Ian, I didn't know that.

Yeah. How long? Earlier today. Con the main Jews. I got one. Ian, I didn't know that. Yeah. How long? Earlier today. Converted to Judaism. His whole family. I go back and forth between Judaism and Islam three, four times a day. But yeah, he fucking nails it. I love the banter at the beginning of it.

Yeah. When he's like asking Clarence if he's been good. He's going to bring you a new saxophone this year. What a fun idea. Clarence, he's an adult. He knows what he does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes What a fun idea. Clarence, he's an adult. He knows what he does. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Clarence is like, Bruce, stop it. He's not going to bring me a new saxophone. I'm a grown up. Hey, go back to Jersey. You're Santa to me, Bruce. You know, they had a fun relationship. They're right out in front of a Gelson's. Yeah.

Fighting over real estate. Uh-huh. It just goes. It's like a rock it's a fucking bruce springsteen song that happens to be about santa claus you know yes uh and it's a cover he but he really made it like a bruce springsteen song i love the intro the intro is so christmasy that he's talking over see that's the song's the song at the Christmas party where people start. You're hammered at that point.

If that comes on at the Christmas party. Hey, we're going to go into the other room and fuck. I'm like, I figure when that comes on, I'm like 11 gin and tonic, Steve. It's when you lock eyes with a young buck from across the room hovering over the rumple and you say, I'm taking you. I'm taking you. No, young buck was at that party. Yeah, young buck was at the party. Let's go write a song.

Oh, as in. The wonderful rep. Yeah, the wonderful you no young buck was at that party yeah young buck was at the party write a song oh as in buck and i'm wonderful yeah they're wonderful boy no if you buck boy that's crime mob hoe oh oh you're right i'm grabbing a i'm grabbing a candlestick and singing into it oh you know what i mean because i'm black cat well 11 i'm not black holding a full gin and tonic and then you're ordering another one just because you're like i have a double gin and tonic tall in one hand and a double gin and tonic and then you're ordering another one just because you're like I want to hear this. I have a double gin and tonic tall in one hand and a double gin and tonic short in the other. You gotta moderate. You gotta moderate.

Variety is the spice of life. Give me the same amount of gin in a shorter glass. Unless that spice is rumpelmints. Yeah. So yeah, that's my final pick.

Santa Claus is coming to town by not a boss. Ian, read me the list again. From top to bottom, all I want for Christmas is you, Carol of the Bells, most wonderful time of the year. Baby, read me the list again. From top to bottom, All I Want for Christmas is You, Carol of the Bells, Most Wonderful Time of the Year,

Baby, It's Cold Outside, Santa Claus is Coming to Town. Wow, what a mix. Can't do much better than that, Bubba. What a mix. Sean Jordan, time for your final pick. It's weird to me that this is still on there, and I said if this was still on with my fifth pick,

I was going to pick it, Frosty the Snowman. Oh, yeah. It's odd that it's still there, and it might be kind of boring, but it's classic. It's a perfect, yeah. It's odd that it's still there. And it might be kind of boring, but it's classic. It's a perfect Christmas song. It's boring. And I...

But also, there is some depth to it. I love it. I love this song. And I build snowmen. I mean, I'm from a place where it snows constantly, so we would build snowmen all the time. We'd always be out, you know, building snowmen. Frosty the Snowman. Frosty the Snowman.

We did the whole carrots and fucking, I mean, everything. We would, like, make actual snowmen. Where's a man made out of snow? make actual snow we got it thank you for that i mean it's really sad when you think about it it's just a song about a dude whose only friend is a fucking snowman with a corncob pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal i have no friends two eyes made out of coal. What's the next one? How he wishes his ex-wife would come back already. Carol. Carol, my ex-wife.

She's been gone the last three years. She said she was going to Albuquerque and never came back. It's like a guy who wrote a speech and somebody was like, just add a medley to it. Just say it. And he was like, Carol left me in. That's what it is. The real

song is just sort of an inventory of how to make a snowman. Basically. A snowman is a man made out of snow. A little tutorial. Coal cup pipe, button nose, twice a minute out of coal. It's just iconic. It's like, it's very holiday, very Christmas. I don't like that it got away from the carrot version of a snowman nose. I know. Because a button nose,

it's like a small nose. Yeah, no, the carrot's the way to go. Anti-Semitic. Yeah, you gotta... Wait, are you Jewish? Ian. You bet. Hang on a second. I think I'm almost Jewish now. How can I become? Jewish? You gotta convert. I know. Well, it would really

involve a process of you being naked in a bathtub, three rabbis with a door cracked. This is very real. All right, so a casual Tuesday night. Casual Tuesday night. Three rabbis leaning in through a cracked door, screaming prayers at you while you sit naked in a bathtub.

Wow. Makes sense. Fully naked? It's not that I don't believe it's so funny. You have to be naked for some reason. I don't care. I didn't make the rules. It's a 7,000-year-old religion.

Yeah. It's tradition. Tradition. Can't even wear a le year old religion. Yeah. It's tradition. Can't even wear a leotard? No. No, you cannot. Oh, I don't think you can. So there's,

what's my list again? You got it? Your list is Run Run Rudolph, Favorite Things, Feliz Navidad, Do You Hear What I Hear, and Frosty the Snowman. I like it.

Frosty the Snowman? Yeah. Oh yeah, Frosty the Snowman. Yeah. Hi, John Snowman? Yeah. Oh, yeah, Frosty the Snowman. Yeah. All right, John Snowman, how are you? Hey, I got a bunch of air conditioners sitting in the back of a U-Haul. Snowman heating and cooling. Edward Snowman?

Yeah, Edward Snowman, dude. Gert B. Froebman? Gert what? I don't know. What's that from? Gert B. Froeb? No, I don't know. The Sausage King of Chicago is Abe Froebman.

Yeah. And the Sausage King of our hearts is Becky making her final pick. Last pick. What do you got? Really good on the Sausage King of our hearts. What do you got, Robbie? Yeah. All right.

I guess my last one was... Mistletoe by Justin Bieber. Bustin' Jeeber. All right. I guess I'll finish strong with... Oh, God. This isn't strong. Britney Spears with Destiny's Child. Britney Spears with it's strong? Britney Spears with Destiny's Child.

Britney Spears with Destiny's Child. Britney Spears with Destiny's Child. The Britney Spears song, Destiny's Child. Wait, what song? All right. I'll go with Destiny's Child, Eight Days of Christmas. Eight Days of Christmas. How does that go?

Just because it's so like, mm, mm, mm. It's so, on the eighth day of Christmas, my baby gave to me a crap jacket with dirty denim jeans. Really? Like, she's just talking. Yeah. I've never heard of that. Oh, it's just like shitty presents she got? Is this before Beyonce was Beyonce?

Like, did she leave and then come back and make it? And then she broke off to be Beyonce. Yeah. Bootylicious and surviving. Well, I was wondering if she broke off to be Beyonce and then came back and made a Christmas album. Oh, no. It was when they were first popping off. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Very early stages. But it's like, it's got a good hip-hop beat. Early Destiny's Child kind of. Yeah. Their whole agenda back then was like, you want shit? Yeah. To shit men.

Nothing You Get Me is shit. And he got a lot of gifts he got eight days of christmas worth of gifts yeah you know yeah has always bothered me as they had that song built can you pay my bills and then right after that was like independent that was weird not as weird as the goddamn mine right you know what about automobiles? Can you pay my... Yeah. You want me to pay your car payment? I have two, yeah. But also the word automobiles. Can you pay my automobiles?

Can you pay my automobiles? I mean, paying your car payment, you know, that's done. People do that. But like automobiles? Well, it's been a contradiction for her entire career. She went on to do single ladies when she was married. Right? Yeah.

And it was like a great dance routine, but fucking A. And she did Lemonade after she had cheated on Jay-Z with me, Ian Carmel. That's right. That? Yeah. And it was like a great dance routine, but fucking A. And she did Lemonade after she had cheated on Jay-Z with me, Ian Carmel. That's right. That's right. She called out me using my name. Yeah. Becky with a good hair. Yeah. Your hair's pretty good. It's better than good, Ian. You didn't say Becky with a great hair.

I know. You know, so you're alright. You're Becky with a great hair. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. You're not Becky with a good hair. But people still ask. Time Warner guy asks every time. Are you Becky with the gray hair. Yeah. You're right. Yeah, you're not Becky with the gray hair. But people still ask. Time Warner guy asks every time. Hey, are you Becky with the gray hair? Fix the account, you. Are you Becky? Are you Becky with the good hair?

Yeah. No, I don't have any good hair. Another thing, I saw, I remember on MTV back in the day, I saw some candid interview with the Destiny's Child and like the song Bootylicious had come out. The Destiny's Children. The Destiny's Children. The Destiny's Children. And one of them had claimed, I think it was Beyonce, but it could have been Kelly Rowland or the other one, claimed to have invented the word bootylicious. And I said, pause, because I guarantee the rhymes you were kicking were quite bootylicious, Snoop Dogg, long before that song came out.

The Children of Destiny at that point were probably like six. But they claimed to have invented the word bootylicious. Bootylicious. Doggy dog is crazy. Oh man. See? It's Dre Day, right? Yeah. Yeah, that was in like 93. The rhymes he was kicking was quite bootylicious.

So, no you didn't, Beyonce. Oh, crazy. I should call her. Goddamn lying. I'll tell Tony Bennett to text her. Tell Tony Bennett to text Kelly Rowland. I'm going to tell. And then give Amy Grant a text.

Yeah, shout out Amy Grant. I'll call Gucci. Call Gucci Mane and tell them to listen to All Fantasy Everything. That wraps up the draft, Eight Days of Christmas. Now, just to go over the picks again real quick. the draft. Eight days of Christmas. Now, just to go over the picks again real quick. John, you had Last Christmas,

Silent Night, Christmas in Hollis, St. Brick intro, and White Christmas. God, that's phenomenal. It's like a 70-year-old and a teenager pick list. It is. It's a cross-country road. It's a December 23rd cross-country road trip with a man and his grandfather. A dad trying to relate

to his son. I had All I Want for Christmas is You, Carol of the Bells, Most Wonderful Time of the Year, Baby It's Cold Outside, and Santa Claus is Coming to Town, by Bruce Springsteen. Sean, you had Run Run Rudolph, Favorite Things, Feliz Navidad, Do You Hear What I Hear, Frosty the Blowman.

Let me get some cocaine. That would be what jeez you would call it becky you had my grown-up christmas list the chipmunk song santa baby mistletoe and eight days of christmas we left some bangers on the uh on the hook by the way we left some bangers on the hook, by the way. We left some good ones on the hook. There was no Holly Jolly Christmas by Burl Lives. Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Did anybody say that? You're going to leave bangers on the hook.

There's bangers on the list. There's no have yourself a merry little Christmas. Hallelujah Chorus. No. Mele Kalike Maka is a wise way. Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. That's right. No, none of that. No Rudolph the Red-Nosed Re fire. That's right. None of that.

No Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Is there one? Oh, fuck. No Jingle Bells? I picked Boring-Ass Frosty the Snowman instead of Rudolph. Rudolph is way fucking better. Damn it. I didn't want to say that's what you should have picked, but you should have picked that.

That's what I should have picked. You should have picked that. It has color response. Is there a Christmas song in The Nightmare Before Christmas? I was trying to think of one in there. No, it's mostly Halloween. What's this? What's this? There's magic in me when the snow's falling halloween but okay what's this what's this oh there's magic

in me when the snow's falling yeah yeah all right uh yeah we love some blue christmas christmas i think someone's pumping opium into the room. It's coming into the vents. And then the remix just goes into blue. Why does that song sound like it's blue? I'm blue. Da-ba-dee-da-da Christmas.

Da-ba-dee-da-da Christmas. Blue my Christmas with a blue little Santa and a blue present that I wrapped in blue for you and my... That song sucks. Everyone's killing themselves. That song sucks and I'm going to listen to it on the way home. And we didn't take like Fairytale of New York by the Pogues, which is fun. Ooh, you should listen to it.

It's crazy. It's all about a song where they get locked in the drunk tank on Christmas because they're hard drinking Irish people. I mean, they're Irish. They're Irish. If they're not Jewish, I don't pay attention. Frankly, I don't care, honestly. They're all racist.

Thank you for listening to All Fantasy Everything's Christmas Song Edition. Thank you to Sean Jordan. Hey, thanks for having me. Becky Robinson. Thanks for having me. John McKay. Goddamn pleasure. I want to wish all the listeners a happy Hanukkah, a merry Christmas.

Frankly, I don't think anyone celebrates Kwanzaa. Frankly, do the teams not fight now? No, we fight. We fight off air. We pick our picks and then that's it? Well, what happens is people go to at Ian Carmel on Twitter, and if I feel like it, I post a poll for people to vote in. But most weeks, I'll be honest with you, I forget to do it. I'm going to remind you. We've got to do it this time. Okay, you remind me. I'll do it for this one. I'll do poll for people to vote in. But most weeks, I'll be honest with you, I forget to do it. I'm going to remind you.

Okay, you remind me. I'll do it for this one. I'll do it for the last three. I'll do a bunch of them and we'll figure out who won. And the winner every week gets a $42,000 gift certificate to Sweet Tomatoes. Wow. A soup plantation in the LA area. I need this more than you know. Yeah, yeah. Sweet Tomatoes. Well, I want to thank everybody for listening.

Honestly, have a happy holidays. Thank you so much for supporting All Fantasy Everything. Go to iTunes. Give us a rating. Subscribe. Tell your friends about it. Tell your enemies about it. Maybe if your enemies listen to All Fantasy Everything, it'll give you something to talk about.

And you can bury this penny beef the two of you have. Yeah, it was ten years ago. It was ten fucking years ago. Or don't. Let it brew. And you did stuff your bra. She wasn't just saying that. Yeah, it was 10 years ago. It was 10 fucking years ago. Or don't and let it brew. And you did stuff your bra. She wasn't just saying that. Yeah, you did stuff your bra.

You know what I mean? But you didn't know. Society put expectations on you. You were 14, for God's sake. Yeah. That was last week. That was a Hate Gum Podcast.