All Fantasy Everything - Country Music (w/ Caleb Hearon, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: June 2, 2022

YEEHAW! Guest:    Caleb Hearon @calebsaysthings IG: @calebsaysthings Podcast: Keeping Records Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.  Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting country music. Joining us today is comedian Caleb Heron. You guys loved, loved his buffet episode of All Fantasy Everything

and have demanded his return to the podcast. Well, we're thrilled to have him back on today. Please give it up. Please give it up. I feel like people are clapping right now. I think... Just keep it. Keep it going. I'm going to keep it going.

Keep going. Wait, they don't know you're here for the intros. They don't know you're here. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Welcome to... No, stop it i gotta wait wait wait we're just fuck i'm your host ian carmel and joined as always by sean jordan and david boring let's just start guys am i allowed to talk now i think welcome to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything the podcast that now you're allowed to talk i want to say something to your guys listeners yeah stop fucking tagging me about this podcast.

I'm back. Don't stop. Don't stop. I'm back to clear my name. These guys wouldn't ask me back. They literally were forced to at some point. Couldn't be true. And now I'm here for country songs.

Couldn't be less true. What's the beef? Eat a pork chop with your... What was the hot take last time that you had? Was there a hot take that people specifically tagged you on? I thought that it was poop instead of jizz yeah oh no yes right you could say that about a number of things we were talking about david's lunch earlier david learned last week uh that there are blowjobs and that is so powerful you're welcome man david you've been missing out the last for me however old you tell man david you've been missing out the last

however old you tell people you are you've been missing out for that many years i tell people how old i am i'm 26 nice god you're a dinosaur yeah i'm a gentleman's 40 and i'm no longer fertile but that's neither here nor there no longer fertile no longer a fertile myrtle uh snip yeah people are attacking you because they want you back right that's neither here nor there. No longer fertile. No longer a fertile myrtle. Snip. People are tagging you because they want you back, right? That's all it is. Yeah, but you got to understand, it's been terrorism in my mentions.

People tagging me everything you guys post. Where's Caleb? They're obsessed. Your listeners are obsessed with me, and I've got a life to live. They're showing up at my house. They're saying, talk to the guys about country music. I'm saying, well, I'll try.

That's our people. That's our people. That's our people. And I don't- You know who else is obsessed with you is the Good Vibes gang, which is the three of us in the fourth Marissa. Yeah. Yeah. We are all obsessed with you.

We do love you. And I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we do want our people to show up at people's houses. We do want- We send them out. Yeah. We send them out. Go to houses. We strongly encourage that. We do want. We send them out. Yeah. We send them out. Go to houses.

We strongly encourage that. We give people, we send people merch if they do that. I was getting hang up calls. I was getting followed home from places. Yeah, we're big on that. We're big on that. Talk to the boys, please. You come home and on your doorstep, there's just like a bunch of Polaroids of you at work.

That's the job that I definitely have. You at Jamba Juice i mean putting in work not at work putting in work on the job we were talking i was at the pool with some friends yesterday and they were talking brag and they were talking about being being lifeguards do what a water pool yeah oh yeah water pool salt water pool even no chlorine for this bitch uh but they're talking about being lifeguards when they were high school and i was like that was i realized

that was the job for the hot rich kids i had to be a neighborhood expert at applebee's yeah i didn't get to be i didn't get to be at the pool and i was i was like is this universal were there any ugly lifeguards also neighborhood expert sounds like a gangbanger. What a weird name. I was a neighborhood expert. I was a neighborhood expert. Is that what they call their employees? Well, let me tell you something.

That's what people at the pool said. Oh, when you work at Applebee's, are you a neighborhood expert? No, you have to earn it. So you have to do training and all kinds of stuff. You have to become an expert. It's extra. Eating good in the neighborhood. That's Applebee's. Yeah, eating good in and all kinds of stuff. You have to become an expert. It's extra. Eating good in the neighborhood.

That's Applebee's. Yeah. Eating good in the hood. Good stuff. Lifeguards were definitely just hot people. They're just like hot. Local lifeguards are just hot gargoyles. They're up there perched so everyone can look at them.

They're to be viewed. And to be bronzed. To break into this, I knew a chubby lifeguard. I know a man who was a chubby lifeguard. I think he should have been fired. Lifeguarding is a museum for hot people. Get this fat ass off the stand. Abercrombie rules of the pool.

Abercrombie rules of the pool. Get this fat motherfucker out of here. We're trying to be horny. A fat lifeguard can be kept in the back for buoyancy issues. You know what I mean? If it really goes down, they can blow a whistle he can put down the playstation remote and come running out and jump in but that's like he can put down the funyuns and he can come do something or he can bring the funyuns you know what i mean we're not gonna not eat them because they're in the pool oh Oh, God. Pool of onions.

That makes my stomach turn. Jesus Christ. That sounds great. With your little pruney fingers reaching in there, grabbing them. Where's the salt from? Both places. Both places. A little white bread sandwich.

It's the pea. It's the pea and the onion. The pea. A lot of people don't know, chemically, if you put onions in a pool pool they interact with the chlorine they turn green it turns green yeah were you guys public pool people public pool people yes yeah heavily yeah oh we were poor yeah yeah we used to have patches we'd get the patch every year for like you'd get to go all summer and we'd collect them on our swim trunks meaning i had the same swim trunks for like eight years even even grosser i was at a lot a big apartment pool oh yeah that's what we were we were it was a lot of like it was a lot of like in the daytime find

a kid who's over 13 because that was like how old you had to be to get be in the pool without grown-ups which is an asinine number in hindsight but yeah it makes no sense 13 that's how old you gotta be to take care of kids they they pick that number during world war ii yeah 14 you go to war 13 you can do the pool 13 you can do the pool we can't ask we can't ask people to go fight jerry if we're not willing to let them use a pool by themselves we always had a public pool really close to the house like blocks away so it was a big public pool situation. And we had a high dive. Did you guys have high dives?

Oh, yeah. Yeah? It seems insane now. That seems crazy. We were like seven going off the high dive. I did not have a lot of access to diving boards as a kid. We had tons. They were everywhere.

We had a massive problem where our city pool, my family was not a member of the country club. So all I could do was swim at the city pool, my family was not a member of the country club, so all I could do was swim at the city pool. And it was all the way on the other side of town. You had to go on a highway to get to it, so I would ride my bike on the side of the highway. To go to the pool and pay in like quarters I found in the couch because we couldn't afford a summer pass. Just excitement in your eyes.

It was bleak. I'm going to the pool. I'm going to the pool. I'm literally bicycling down the highway like 12 years old. It's the sopping wet ride back that's probably even harder to deal with. Still fat. Still fat my whole childhood. I would bike the highway to the pool, spend the whole day there.

Still fat. Couldn't figure it out. I don't know how I did it either. I was fat my whole childhood. I would leave the house at like eight and rollerblade until the next eight. And I would come back and just be fat as fuck the whole time. Fat the whole time.

Where did you go on those blades? That's a lot of blading. All over Beaverton. I was in the woods looking at porn all over Beaverton. I was behind the 7-Eleven. Do you guys like Beaverton? I love Beaverton. I don't know anything.

They have a dope skate park. That's where Nike is. I like Beaverton a lot. I like suburbs don't know anything i went to that gym that's where nike is they got fun i i like beaverton a lot i like suburbs i like strip malls it is not a flower that blooms for the visitor thank you that's beautiful oh my god that's beautiful and also erotic it is a it is a flower that blooms perhaps for someone who lives there you know what i mean and then you're like oh okay there's a couple targets nearby no outsiders no howlies we can get to portland we can get to portland quickly that's the yeah you get to portland pretty quick that's go to the nike store it was a fun place to grow up if you want a rollerblade everywhere though and i cannot even picture it did you

wear them into stores and stuff yeah sometimes no i would be so pissed if i was working at tj maxx and you showed up on rollerblades i'd be like get this kid oh get this kid out of here a 6 to 11 year old because i'm on rollerblades in bum equipment shorts and whatever big dog shirt what was the least stained that day big dog shirts did we ever figure out what bum stood for no it was but ugly it's a brand bum equipment yeah b-u-m but wasn't it b.u.m were there periods i think there were yeah there was yeah what does it mean i'm diving in right now yeah it was this big i've never seen this is this a pnw thing mid 90s early 90s mid 90s you've seen look image search bum equipment i've never seen this in my life 90s i think you

were i think you're a little too young caleb well if it's early 90s i definitely am i was just thinking maybe it was a regional thing but no it looks like it was big no bum oh bum equipment was everywhere my dad my uncle everybody wore it it was you know what's crazy bum did have no genre there's no race to bum you could get it you could get it at lewis or like whatever you could get it like target or you could get it at like nice places i mean it was like fashionable and not fashionable it was weird like i feel like you'd see rappers but then like you know it billy ray cyrus and oscar de la jolla exactly it went bankrupt before i was born but it was launched in seattle so pacific northwest heads oh i don't even know that dude i gotta pull up with a bum denim sleeve jacket right now that would be crazy right the shit rocks they're still around the official off the

ring casual wear of the la king's hockey team so i bet it is sean to answer your question the uh gq did an article in 2016 and the article is titled um bum bum equipment is back really that was in 2016 everything's back man gap is back i mean all this all this stuff is like fully back i don't think gap ever left gap never went anywhere dude yes they did people were not wearing shit that said gap huge on it for like 15 years and now it's back i mean i know you could people were always wearing like jeans and shit but like now fully gap sweatshirts and stuff are back all right all right i wore i wore i got so excited i got a brand new gap sweater that said they had the big gap on it and i was at i will i remember i remember the way the air felt

i remember the way i remember the way i felt in my little sweater i was i was standing at the bus stop waiting to go to school and this older kid who was always mean to me and i wanted to be friends with him so bad he comes up it was like there's like 10 other kids waiting around on the bus and he goes nice sweater and i said oh thank you and he said yeah stands for gay ass people and i i just fucking i just was like he can't do that to me i was like in front of everybody i said nothing i stood there i was like holding back tears and i wasn't wearing a shirt underneath it so i had to go around school all day and then i started at school trying to trying to like get ahead of it i was like telling people being like this stands

for gay ass people as i'm wearing it like as a joke i like tried to like get ahead of the story you're like let me own it let me at least own it no t-shirt under the hoodies how i know you were a child poor little nips rubbing raw yeah just getting just getting my nipples destroyed a lot of confidence you're like i definitely won't need to take this off for any reason i thought it was so i was just so excited about it and i didn't want to be hot because you know i sweat a lot i was i was so fat i was like we'll go no shirt yeah i would have been we'll go no shirt with it makes sense i don't even know that i could have found like gap good clothes that fit me when i was uh when i think they i think the sizes got a little more liberal in our in our age rubbing against the G's and the P's. I'm just thinking about

wearing a graphic hoodie with stitching and stuff. Let's be honest about what's really going on, David. You're thinking about my childhood nipples. I'm thinking about your tiny boy nips. Which is, of course, inappropriate. TBN. Tiny boy nipples. Yeah. Also, Turner Broadcast

Network. Let's go with that one. And all I'm saying, I never seen the two in the room together. Trinity Broadcasting Network is TBN. That's the super Christian one. Once again, haven't seen them in a room together. You're thinking of Turner Broadcasting Station. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was more of a TNT guy. I'm edgy like that. Little fat kid nipples are probably the best nipples. They're very puffy. As somebody who had them, that's probably when I like my nipples the most. You can't cut this out

because I want to tell you guys I had a nipple cut off when I was like 12. You guys are not going to want to hear how it happened, but I'm going to tell you. I have to hear how it happened. I definitely want to hear how it happened. I think it's you raw-dogging that hoodie. You wish.

You wish, my friend. Are you one of the Unsullied? The Unsullied? They got a nipple cut off on one of the Game of Thrones. Oh, I've never seen it, but here's what did happen to me. I was playing tag with my friend Austin in his family's mobile home. Yeah, this is how you lose a nipple, Frank. You guys are not going to believe this.

I forget which one it was. I still have a scar. You forget which one it was? Well, the scar is kind of... That's a regular looking nip. Here's what happened. Tell the story. Well, you didn't see it up close, honey. Okay, better.

We were running shirtless through the house. run past the door frame check the metal part that is on the actual frame i ran past it so hard oh man that it cut my nipple to where it was hanging off of my body no way now now those things are dull my friends so i ran past a dull piece of metal so hard my nipples hanging off my body i had to be rushed to the hospital and they had to sew my nipple back onto my titty really how old were you i'm 12 you're 12 i'm 12 oh my god nipples still get hard you better believe it i love blood everywhere uh i i recall more of an oozing situation. I don't know. There was definitely blood, but I think there was some material coming out.

Yeah. I know this sounds foolish. Some titty meat coming out. I don't think I've ever told that story. Some titty meat hanging out. Raw. I know this sounds foolish. I just hit it raw.

Did it hurt a ton or was it more of a shock? Was it what? Was it more of a shock was it what was it more of a shocker i know it hurt obviously but did it was it like manageable because it was so shocking to see or did it like super super hurt on top it was exactly like when you stub your toe i went a little i went i went oh no i've i've hit my nipple and then i ran a little bit further and i and i went i went ah that that really fucking hurts and then i looked, and it was all fucked up and mangled, and the nipples hanging off. And I started screaming.

Started screaming. I was like, ah! And then what did Austin's mom do? Austin's mom wasn't. What did Austin do? Austin's mom. No, Austin's mom was not there. He volunteered his nipple because it was his house.

So he's like, here, please take mine. Yeah, Austin gave me his nipple. No, Austin's dad was like, shit. Come on. Get in the truck. So he took me, here, please take Austin gave me his nipple. No, Austin's dad was like, shit. Come on. Yeah. So he took me to the hospital. You feel safe driving with somebody that hammered. He was extremely drunk.

What's Austin doing? Austin. I'm so glad you asked. Austin was a closeted male nurse for a number of years and uh has finally come out but i believe is a republican oh that's complicated so there's a lot of layers to that is austin is complicated welcome to peter peter thiel's 2022 austin and he's 26 and he's the last time i checked in when i did my little check-in of people i think about sometimes uh i believe his uh partner uh was 52 years old 53 52 years old

yep so austin's getting it which i'll say is completely unacceptable if you are in a if you're in a mixed age relationship like that i'm not not on your team. I think it's weird. I think it's weird. Yeah. I think whatever the age difference between Dana and I is, is the only... That's the stopper. That's the stopper.

The cutoff, she believes about eight, eight and a half years, which then that's normal. That's a cool age. I got myself an OG and older gal. Yeah. There you go. I'm in that group. And she's not m and older gal. Yeah. There you go. I'm in that group.

And she's not mowing the lawn. She's not mowing the lawn. Yeah. Wearing this podcast t-shirt. She's wearing your podcast t-shirt and mowing the lawn. She takes care of her man. While you're inside talking about titty meat for money 2022. You're talking about children's nipples while your wife mows the lawn.

Beautiful. City boys, we are up, baby. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cooper, Mel and Jordan on Instagram is that guy talking about titty meat for internet pay? Yeah, bud. By the time this comes out, the day this comes out, you will be...

Yeah. I will still not be fertile. No. As I did get a vasectomy, but I will be in Seattle. I'll be doing two shows. Now, I'm going to get there on Thursday. I'm probably going to stick around for a while.

So I wouldn't, you know, I'm probably going to hang out for an extra day or two. Now I need to remind you that last time I did stand up in Seattle, zero people showed up. Zero. So come on out Seattle. And again, I'm going to hang out. I like, I like to hang out in Seattle, at least go to dicks at least for an extra day now i'm not gonna go to dicks i'll probably hang out about the same place i was the night before

i'm not i'm just saying you're not gonna go to dicks why wouldn't we go to we'll probably go to dicks dicks it's like an institution yeah no i don't you want to know what i don't like i don't like the the ruckus factor at night at dicks it does he ruckus the at dicks i'm not feeling that i mean go in the daytime don't be a baby david bory i've put together a dossier of restaurants that i will be dragging sean jordan too yeah oh no i'm stoked man i'm dicks the only hard part is going to not be throwing them back during the day on on friday that's going to be the only tough part for me we'll figure it out we'll go on a bike ride it'll be great maybe we go to a skate park for a second why can't you drink on friday i'm probably gonna need my wits about me friday night yeah dude judaism sean's gotten pretty pretty hard into judaism yeah the last

time we podcasted when they cut out the vasectomy part they put in like a little judaism down there so yeah they put in a torah in a Torah. Do they cut out or do they just cut your vas deferens? Instead of two vas deferens, now I have nine, sort of like a menorah. I think a menorah is eight, but you know, you got an extra one for good luck.

Is it? I tried. Eight crazy nights. Dang it. Sorry. Come to here after Juneune 2nd two shows i tried no they didn't they just cut them out they just make your best difference uh david borey is here cool guy jokes 37 on instagram how you doing buddy oh you know i'm good it's beautiful gonna go see top gun tonight so am i i'm going i'm going with i'm going with an ex-pilot is what I'm doing.

I thought you were going to say ex-girlfriend. Me and Nicole are going to go see Top Gun. She's in town. I was like, I gotta go. Laura's got the baby. She took him on the lawn. Yeah, I'm very excited about that. Dude, it's going to be so sick.

I have a theory. Don't tell me if I'm right, Ian. I think Maverick sacrifices himself to save Rooster at some point. Don't tell me if I'm right. I didn't even know there was a Rooster. Rooster's Goose's... Stop spoiling. This is known. Stop it.

I haven't even seen the trailer. I'm hypothesizing. Can you stop? You didn't know... Can you please stop? What are you even going to see it for if you didn't know? Stop it! So I should put my pants back on? stop you didn't know can you please stop what are you even going to see it for if you didn't stop it so i should put my pants back on june 9th and 10th i'll be at the riot in houston

tickets online rooster is his name it's miles teller faded denver july 17th june 17th faded portland june 30th shut information coming. This is my time! David. Rooster. They're going to go snuff him, I think. You fucked my whole day! Keep talking, man. I'll fuck your night.

Come try it! South Logan Street, ask about me. What are they going to say? Just for that, I'm going to go to Sioux Falls and I'm going to get everybody pregnant at that festival next month. June 18th, I'll be in Sioux City. Where were you born?

I certainly wasn't born in Sioux City, you prick. That's so crazy. What a maniac. Born in Rapid City City, you prick. Oh, yeah. I'm so crazy. My God. What a maniac. Born in Rapid City. You were born in Shitsplat. I would be in Rapid City, South Dakota, June 18th, headlining their comedy festival there as well.

God, that's insane. 17th, Faded Denver, Ramon Rivas headlining June 9th and 10th, Riot Houston. Nice. That'll be great. That'll be great. That'll be great. Rooster is Miles Teller's character. No, I heard about it.

Pretty good. He's good. Come on, guys. Miles Teller good in War Dogs, by the way. Yeah, good in War Dogs. War Dogs was underrated. Beautiful chemistry. I liked it, it was like

I liked it because it was like Lord of War 2 Sure Did you guys see Lord of War? Is that a John Cusack movie? No, it's Oh He's selling guns internationally Oh

So June 10th I will be in Houston. Caleb Heron is here. Yeah. Caleb says things on Twitter. So true. Caleb says things on Instagram.

So true. Caleb, this comes out next Thursday. Oh, boy. We, Sean, you and I will have to tweet about the the portland shows as this we as we will have just missed it i believe right you will have just been in portland i'm doing i'm doing yeah i'm doing the old church in portland on sunday yeah the old church yeah that's pretty cool i know what you're doing oh tight yeah i know. I just I'll be here on Sunday. I'm just yeah, you're going to be in Portland on Sunday

thus coming like at four days before after this comes out. Yeah, yeah, or not after this comes out. This is before this comes out. I'll be there this Sunday in real time, not podcast time. Right. Oh, yes, that's what I'm. Yes. Yes, I will be in town. I know what you do. And

yes, it will definitely get tweeted, but I apologize. Yes, absolutely. Hell yeah. But this comes out next Thursday. Do you have anything you want to direct people towards show-wise or just in general? Or just sort of anything you want to platform? Kindness.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm taking a show break i'm i'm not doing shows for a minute after um um after the 31st i'm doing largo in la which will be done by the time this comes out and then i'm done for a minute i'm gonna be in new york for a while i maybe jump on some shows but i'm not doing my own um i'm just hanging out man every everybody Everybody go to my Twitter or something if you want. And don't if you don't. I'm chilling.

What's up? Get them. Get them. I'm tired. Anyone tired? I'm so tired. Man, I've been laying in bed for three days. I'm good.

Yeah. I was named America's Sleepiest Boy 2022. Actually, it just came out last weekend. So I'm tired. You have a long line of family members on the board of that didn't you you didn't get that by merit the sleepiest boy uh there's a doubt here there's a lot of people i mean it's a pretty big it's a pretty big voting body and the board just certifies uh the votes so it is actually a a juried a member juried um it is a member jury selection that selection that I am very proud of.

And I think if you look back at my work over the last year being a sleepy little boy. But your great grandpa invented oil, no? And then he got on the board of the sleepy boy competition. I want to be transparent. The sleepy boy competition. For the listeners. Yeah, no no let them know they deserve justice

his great grandpa did found oil gave him a bedrock put him in the best schools but everything he's earned in stand up comedy he's done himself

yeah including sleepy boy first of all I didn't even know my pip pip invented oil until I was 31 pip pip

yeah are you in the skulls and he changed his last name from Ben's oil to carmel yeah nobody even knows nobody even knows and like i don't get a leg up there's nothing there's nothing more terrifying than than enjoying somebody and then finding out what they call their grandparents and it's something weird they go they go oh my my pip pop'm like, get the fuck out of here.

Your grandfather? No, I can't stand it. Years into a friendship with them. You'll be like having dinner and they're like, I got to fly back. I got to fly back to Rhode Island because my, my grandpa and my flea flea. My Niner, my Niner. They're like, Gigi, my Gigi, your fucking grandmother dog. Stop it. I can't stand it.

I'm such a hater. I hate it. I know, but when they use it, like, it's fine if that's what you call her or him, like, to their face and in correspondence with them. It's weird when they, like, drag it out for the rest of us. They say it like it's what you call your gram slug. Or like, I'm going to carry it over. Like I'm going to be like, oh, I went

to my friend Caitlin's hometown with her. We visited her Gigi and her pee poop. It's like, shut the fuck. I'm going to say your grandma and grandpa, dude. I'm going to say Helen and Frank like a goddamn adult. I might say pee poop. If one of them was pee poop, I might say pee poop.

Don't implicate me in it. I don't want to be involved. Sure, I'll go see your pee poop. If one of them was pee poop, I might say pee poop. No! Don't implicate me in it. I don't want to be involved. Sure, I'll go see your pee poop. Don't implicate me in the pee poop incident. I hate it. Some documents actually came to light. You know, I did... Some uncovered documents.

I knew my mongmong uh immigrated from austria but i didn't know why until recently oh it turns out my mong mong was pretty involved get there get there get there get there Get there! Get there! Say it! My mongmong was one of the guys pulling the gold out of the teeth. Jesus fucking Christ. What are you going to do?

I had to make a living. Oh, man. I kept getting messages from an Argentinian number. I kept getting messages from an Argentinian number in terms of my mong mong mong mong mong mong so get this my mong mong had to take a stool sample

the other day guess what my gram slammed it sucked it right out that's that old school love you don't see anymore oh yeah that's that that's how that's how they got married that's that old school love they had three channels you know what i mean like there wasn't a lot to do suck it out the back

uh i did have a nana and pop pop, but I would never describe them. Horrible, unacceptable. Horrible. I don't tell anyone that my grandpa's name was Buck for real. We called him Buck. Everybody did. Yeah, you kind of have to with the name. I'll never forget the day I learned that my grandpa Butch, his real name is Maurice. His real name is Maurice, but it had kind of a faggy ring to it.

So we went with bush and i'm impressed with that i don't know man maurice is buck dude there is no scenario where my name is maurice where there's people who don't know that yeah yeah when i learned i was like damn my name is a far cry my name is maurice i got brass knuckles on me at all times all times all times leather duster no problem yeah and weirdly enough a fountain pen yeah yeah maurice has a whistle he can do where birds show up that's the kind of guy maurice is no maurice is a sheriff in missouri so oh my god okay yeah cool good time no he's retired now he got out he got out would you call him butch butch uh i called i called him pop pop pop pop yeah yeah no i

grandpa i'm normal ping pong my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on jewish pop pop app where you can go on there look up pictures of jewish pop pops uh across the eastern seaboard jim jones jim james jim jones jim jones uh i will be tomorrow night as this is coming out i will be at the the hereafter in Seattle the night after Sean Jordan. And I like to get into town a day early. Yeah, that's all I'm saying. I like to get into town a day early.

Yeah, man. Just to make sure I make my show. Just to make sure I make my show. Why add the stress of not being there early? You know, we had to add a second show. Sean has always had to. I had to add a second one because you you all so and so's have bought so many tickets to Sean and I shows that we had a second show. So there will be a second show.

Make sure you come see Sean and I at the hereafter by tickets. Tickets available now on the Internet. Hopefully still available. Top Gun Helmets coming. So it's coming. You're bringing a top gun helmet i'm bringing it you got me a helmet signed but you got me one signed by tom cruise oh that's cute it was probably the cutest thing he gave it to me right before i got married it says i love katie

holmes i changed it to we i had him right on the helmet that Eyes Wide Shut was a brutal Psycho drama for me and my at the time Wife Nicole Kidman You guys are going to make me watch Top Gun I'm going to go watch Top Gun I've seen it twice in the last three days I'm going to the new one tonight That's no joke I've seen Top Gun twice in the last

Three days last night I watched it with My father-in-law and tonight I go to Maverick with my father-in-law who's retired Air Force. Retired Air Force and we thank him. If I haven't seen the first one, do I need to watch it before I go see two, you think? I can't imagine. If you haven't seen the first one, just watch it. This is crazy to me. It's

so good. I mean, really just watch like the volleyball scene on YouTube and then extrapolate that for a movie no no watch the whole thing it's so you haven't seen top gun no oh man it is a fascinating cultural landmark and a great time people love it i think yeah it's fun it's fun tom cruise is tom that's when he turns into tom cruise i mean that's his pivot yes as far as i'm concerned yes i i saw um and i'm sure we want to draft country songs but i will tell you guys this i i i follow a history of

la account this shows pictures of old la and they posted one the other day sunset boulevard huge top gun billboard right when it came out all the cars are old timey it was cute oh yeah i liked it oh old timey i don't know why that made me feel so old when you just said that. That felt awful. We're talking about cars in the late 80s. That felt terrible. You described a Honda Accord as old-timey. No!

There was like an old Corvette in there. Minivans. Minivans that I was driven to school in. I was going to say like a P. Green Plymouth Voyager just going down sunset. You're like, look at that old timey jalopy. Just because there's a new Oldsmobile on that picture.

Like a cream colored Geo Metro right there. I'll find the picture later and send it to you guys. You'll see. I'm excited. If you send us that picture and there isn't a fucking Model T in that fucking picture, Frank, I swear to God.

I want to tap at the old LA cable cars in that fucking... The crank engines. Everybody be like Al Capone walking down the street or something. If there isn't fucking Jay Leno driving something that was made in the Ottoman Empire, I'm going to fucking lose my shit.

It was definitely like a 1985 Corvette. Of course it was. Old timey. It's totally fair. I was six. You're old timey. Fuck you, Borey. Me and Caleb are young. David, we're in the prime. Shut up, Davidid we're in the prime shut up david i got a gap sweatshirt off screen it's back did you know that you've never even had a blowjob so

whatever i have had a blowjob i just was doing it wrong you got one in france from what i hear it was a terrible setup you You had an FPJ. Oh, now I'm going to try to get that second one that I know what it means. It's a lot easier. June 3rd at the Hereafter. If there's tickets available, buy those tickets.

If you're anywhere in the Pacific Northwest, come see Sean and I. Now we are gathered here today not only to talk about French blowjobs, but also to fancy draft country songs caleb this was this was your idea are you a big country music fan man this this the putting this list together stressed me the hell out i love country music i yeah and there are so many different reasons to pick a song for a country song draft i feel there's i there's the storytelling there's the party aspect there's the sad there's so many different you guys know you get it oh yeah i see i wasn't ready to admit until recently that like i

do not mind country at all but i went as a kid you always had to act like you didn't like it for whatever it was like the one genre that people hated but there's been good country forever there's tons of bad country but there's tons of bad stand-up too it's like there's tons of bad everything it's mostly bad stand-up i've never seen bad stand- bad i've never seen bad stand-up now i only know good stand-up the uh all jokes all fun um yeah bad stand-up is a character idea that's who doesn't do tv yeah i've been doing it for 15 years yeah yeah i just come out i'm like what's up white people and then i just kind of go it's fun yeah it starts from there that's not like super different from your act part of part of drafting country songs is difficult also is you have to parse through a lot of

i'll be honest there's some people on this list whose politics i don't like but i gotta hand it to him on the song yeah oh i separated art from the art i i don't even i didn't i didn't even try to see what people are on on that wave. I could be a monster by the end of this. I have no idea what the politics are. I'm looking at these names. I'm like, I couldn't tell you what blank and blank think about. Sean's first pick, courtesy of the red, white, and blue.

I don't know his politics. Kobe? Kobe's one of our problematic faves. I'll say that. Oh, come on man yeah we'll get stop treading on him you know yeah thank you he's a big guy is he really large he's big i don't want him to be big enough that i'm afraid he's gonna kick my ass big thighs he's like six four thick right he's like a really yeah i think so i kick his ass right here on the internet we

should all look but yeah i think it's big i know i would toby keith if you're out there i'll kick your ass you think you'll kick toby keith's ass i'll kick toby keith's ass he literally put he put out a song like 10 years ago called not uh as good as i once was where he talks about oh yeah do bar fights anymore i'll kick that guy's ass he still hangs out with his best friend dave he's known him since they were kids in school i'll kick that guy's ass i i i have to caution you against the second part of that song caleb i have to caution you against the second part of that song if you get to him early he's as good once as he ever was and if you if he catches you during that period i'm gonna catch him and dave on night two he's also got a voice like he's got a swinging hog.

Yeah. He's got a big dick voice. Yeah. He's got a big ass dick voice. Yeah. Says here. Says here. Toby Keith is six, three, 209 pounds. What's it say about his dick size?

Smoking. Blake Shelton, six, five. No. Blake Shelton, six, five? No. Trace Adkins is six, six. Oh, that's what Trace Adkins is. Trace adkins will fuck you up one hot mama adkins trace adkins is a big dick he is just a big like not fully erect but still impressive penis yeah

like you can see the whole outline of these are big boys some of these guys yeah trace adkins five kids yeah i mean wouldn't you look at these pictures image search trace atkins he carries them around on his back like a possum yeah they just sort of live back there scurrying around uh it was this was a fun list to put together yeah i admittedly have a lot more old country on mine which i know is annoying which i know is like an annoying i'm from portland thing to do but i never i never really got into the new country that much i think i have middle country probably i don't know i don't know what's what's middle country sean well we'll talk about it i bet but i don't think i have a lot of like in the last

10 years stuff because there's like new country that's like I don't want to say I don't want to say any like you know Florida Georgia line stuff like that I don't I don't have like a time that is now no one's gonna have any Florida Georgia line on here no okay all right good I'll say that no I'll veto it Sean has Sean is

picking Lady A five times and then we'll move the hell on they And then we'll move the hell on. They know what time it is. They know how to write a freaking song. I'll tell you that. I mean, let's find out what those picks are because we're going to decide the order of today's country music draft with a rollicking game of rock paper scissors played between the three of you

and we throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Give it to me. Oh, damn. Three way. Oh my God. Three way. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. give it to me oh damn three oh my god three way rock paper scissors shoot give it to me ah boy wins david bory as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft but before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine draft and what is that great question it's like that golf cart at uh top golf that goes and picks up all the golf balls if you've seen, it goes out to the right and then it just goes across from right to left and just picks up all the golf balls that people weekly hit into the front.

And then it goes all the way left, goes up a little bit more, goes back all the way to the right. And it just keeps sucking up golf balls and then up to the right, back to the left a little bit. And then at that point, you start trying to hit it you know with your with your ball and then you really you're just giving it more balls to pick up making more work uh and it just kind of goes back and forth picking up all the golf balls ensuring that you have a good time at top golf for the duration of your stay uh basically what it means is you pick fourth in the first round you pick first in the second round now david with that in mind what would the order of today's draft be? I don't want to open it up. I'm going to go Caleb,

David, Shawnee. Hot corner. Shawnee. Hot corner. Shawnee sounds like a name. Shawnee and Hawkeye. Hawkeye who stars in college movies. Oh, yeah. Shawnee and Shawnee. The program is on Hulu for anybody who would care.

Straight guy. Straight guy. I'd have a crush on for sure. Sean Ian. Sean Ian. No problem. He plays soccer. Hot. Feels like a blonde adult. Yeah, definitely plays soccer.

Blonde adult. Yeah, plays soccer. Plays a little guitar. Is it one name or is it a first middle? I think it's first middle. Personally. First middle. Like Sean Ian.

What? Sansagard or something? Sansagard. I was thinking Sansa guard. I was like, if someone says Sansa guard, I'll freak out. And you did.

That's crazy. Sean, Sansa guard. Oh man, I gotta get off. I'm reading about Blake Shelton now. I'm sorry guys. I gotta get my head back in.

Yes, sir. You're, you're awesome. You are awesome. You are awesome. You're awesome to be around. The first time I ever met you was when Ian was doing the Clinton Street Theater early COVID.

Boy, it was so fun. You're such a treat. I'm very happy. This is good. Sean, stop it. You're a treat. Don't go around. He does this all the time. God damn it, David.

go around. He does this all the time. God damn it. He does it. God damn it, David. You son of a bitch. To every fucking guest. 52 minutes and 14 seconds ago. I didn't even want you to be on the show. Sean started

this by saying, Ian, I'm sorry I texted you. When I texted you, I said, I don't give a fuck who's on the show. I was crabby. My wife's mowing my lawn for me and I'm just crabby. My nuts hurt. Okay. Y'all want me to pick a song? Hell yeah. Well, let's get to it.

We're going to get to your first pick right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing. Just go to a brand newbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country. You figure it out from there. But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley, all right? You're not Jason Bourne. You can't do that. Two Damon movies. I'm out here. Obviously, you're not ready for that,

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Man, we're back. Welcome back to all fantasy. Everything. The only podcast that has ever existed. We are drafting country music songs. Caleb, you have the first pick. This is so, so, so I cannot overstate how difficult, but folks, I'm going to go. I'm going to kick it off because I think I have,

I have like 20 songs here and I'm kicking it off with what I think will be a good note for the whole group here. And I hope I'm stealing this from somebody. Your friends in low places by Mr. Garth Brooks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely come on. Yes, I showed up in boots. I ruined your black tie affair. I've got friends in low places, the kick in the kick in when that song comes in. Yeah, you know what's because everybody wants to they want to be that romantic version of of bummed out because it it in movies and things it looks fun you want you want to be that romantic version of bummed out. Because in movies, it looks fun.

You want to feel that way, but you don't really want to feel that way. So in the song, you'd like to get away with it because you're like, cool, this song, I have friends, but I also get the attention that a depressed person gets, if that makes any sense. There's something appealing about being a little depressed and having people be like, oh, I'm so sorry, Here's a drink or whatever. And you don't know what I'm saying, Ian? What?

Is it a depressed song? Have I been listening to it wrong? Yeah. I mean, he's like, he shows up and ruins the wedding. Like, that's one part of it. Is it a story or is it just like three different scenarios? I mean, he's not big on social graces. That's all that was.

I just took it to be like he's you know he's like he's not fancy it's a story no it's like a girl he's scorned or something let me look up the lyrics it's like the whole thing tells a story about like he shows up to the wedding and cheers the guy and stuff uh i always took it that way anyways am i wrong i actually don't know what i know what i know of it is i don't know the story of it I know of it is, you can blame it all on his roots. He showed up in boots. He ruined the Black Tie Affair. And then, frankly and ultimately, he's got friends in low places.

That's what I know about this. Yeah. That's what I can say confidently. Also, while Sean's looking that up, have any of you guys seen the Garth Brooks documentary? No. Do they go into Chris Gaines? Yes. And I am begging you guys.

I've seen this documentary five times i'm begging everyone to watch it at one point is it on netflix i believe it still is if not after this i'm on it after this it garth brooks is such an earnest man at one point and this is just one of a million beautiful moments he uh starts talking about the concept of shaking a man's hand and he cries he cries just like about it being firm what it means what it means to shake a man's hand makes him cry that when you shake a man's hand you're saying in that moment if anything were to go down in this room i'd have your back i trust you you trust me i want everybody listening to this podcast who has

ever shaken my hand to know that is not how i feel if some shit goes down in that room you are on your own i might even try to benefit from it in some way i'll be the one starting shit in the room and i'm starting it with you i don't care i'm fake as hell i got your back you know it and a handshake is not me letting you know no i'm a fake nasty bitch i'll start shit out with someone who i'm shaking their hand i don't care i'm fake nasty bitch garth isn't like us though he's a better man than all four of us yeah he's different okay so i showed up in boots ruined your black tie affair da da da um and i was the last one you thought you'd see there so it seems to me like it's like a wedding so it seems to me like he's a wedding and then he goes and i saw the surprise

and the fear in his eyes. I took the glass of champagne, which again, leads me to believe wedding. Toasted you, said, honey, we may be through, but you'll never hear me complain. And then he goes. That's what I'm saying. He used a banger. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's like a wedding, I think.

And he crashed it. So he's a dick? He crashed his ex-girlfriend's wedding? No, he's a king. He made a toast? He's a king. Everybody was like like oh no david you watch your mouth he's a kid everybody's like shit he's good at toast the next verse when

he goes i must be wrong i just don't belong i've been here before everything's all right i'll just show myself to the door you're like yeah all right get out of here bro yeah you're wasted oh shit oh shit my ex is here he wants to make a toast everyone why is he laughing he's laughing over there nobody wants him he's talking about his friends what the fuck is going on none of whom are here yeah he's like i ain't complaining and then he just starts singing about his friends all of it he's like i ain't complaining and then he just starts singing about his friends all of it he's like my friends got guns no don't say that don't say that trump 2024 my friends will do anything no don't say that don't say that now we're having a really nice time but let me tell you guys something he did not perform at trump's inauguration he did

perform at biden's he was invited to both so you do what you want with it but um i'm not again i got garth songs on my list i'm just goofing the song is so if this is so fucking singable too the oasis part oh god come on it's like it's like um what's that journey song it's like that like don't stop believing? Don't stop believing. It's like that. Because get on down to the... Oh! Everybody screams. But can I just... The last verse, he says, Hey, I didn't mean to cause a big scene.

Just wait till I finish this glass. And sweet little lady, I'll head back to the bar. Give it to me and you can kiss my ass. He is the antagonist of this way yeah he's a king decidedly un-garthie song because he seems like america's sweet boy he seems like america's sweet boy not at this wedding it reminds me it reminds me of that viral tweet that's like a gay person will fully tell you a story where they're the antagonist it's like that that's that's that's Garth Brooks singing this song.

It's like, you're the bad guy. What a fun point. Can you believe this bitch had a wedding and didn't invite me? It's like, yeah, buddy,

we can. Wait a minute. No, you're wrong. So I showed up, told that bitch to kiss my ass, and I'm going back to the bar.

Country music. Forgive me if this is, if I'm coming off base here. I'm workshopping to the bar. Country music, forgive me if I'm coming off base here, I'm workshopping a theory. Country music is like black stand-up comedy in ways where like... Go on. The way I'm going to let you work that one out. I'll sit over here for a second.

This is maybe the only safe space for this dude. White guy country music is like... I wish the listeners could see my face when you drop black stand-up comedy. I was like, what the hell is he doing to us? It's like old... By that, I mean like Death Jam the hell is he doing to us? It's like old, it's like, by that I mean like Def Jam era. Hamburger. Def Jam era black stand-up comedy.

Because like, this guy's, you'll just come out and say shit. Like there's music, like this is for men. This one is like for the fellas. This song is like exclusively for the guys. And they don't care care like it's like i don't care what the women think about this one i got you know what i mean like i'm like this it's in a way that kind of reminds me of like what like deaf jam stand-up comedy was where it's like not worried about like what's right as much as what's true ian said hear me out

brad paisley is the Robin Harris of music. George Jones, Chris Tucker. Adele Givens, we don't know. Is there anything to that? Is there anything to that? It's more concerned with being right. There was a lot of women on Def Jam. There were a lot of women. There's a lot of women in country music

doing the exact same thing, too. Like, I do feel i do this sounds like something i would say and then i would be like ian please tell me what i'm trying to say sean clear this up sean clear this up you know i can't i guess i guess i'm like i guess what i'm saying is it is it is uh more concerned with being true than with being correct. You know what I mean? That's all good comedy, though, man. I guess that is all good comedy, but not all comedy does.

You know what I mean? No, most of it is lying. Podcaster and comedian Ian Carmel says misogyny is true. More on this. Listeners are are gonna love this afi on gas digital network marissa make it sound like sean said all that they're gonna hear what they want i'm throwing out a ton of crazy theories today yeah and also shout out to adele gibbons she still looks good for sure she was so funny man or is so funny i also workshopped my we

need to stop asking action movie stars what they think because that's true it kills action movie stars and we need more ugly actors adam driver's perfect by the way good job right he's ugly though is he ugly he's sexy but he's ugly he's like a sexy ugly guy he's ugly no yeah yeah you're it he's sexy he's ugly yeah he's ugly think so. His whole body. His whole thing is. Yeah, but like in a good way. Not ugly, but he's. Yeah, you're diving too deep. He's sexy, but he's not classically attractive. Have you seen this picture of him with no shirt on coming out of the water?

Yeah, he's ugly though. He's shredded. That's not his face. His face was out of the water before his body. You need to focus on that. Adam Driver's a butterface. Yeah. Really?

Adam Driver's a butterface. Man. But he's sexy. I'm saying it's. saying it's yeah the body's doing what it needs to do butterface caleb said that's even worse that's the worst kind of ugly he's a better face like that like i'd hit it but i wouldn't tell anybody i'd fucking not tell everybody look i being ugly is not a sin if you fucked him i'd tell everybody you know what's worse what's worse than being a butterface is what I've got going on which is an only face you don't want to have a cute little face

and nothing else going no an only face will get you in the room an only face will get you in the room they get you in the door you gotta start your only face account you get away with a lot with a face. John Jordan's out here trotting out weird theories about country musicians and black stand-up comedians.

And he's a cute face. And he's gonna get away with it because of that. I'll take it. I'll take the bitter for the better right there. I like the cute face part. There's something in there that we can be happy with that. I think there's something in that theory. I think there's something in that theory.

I say chase it on stage. That theory that I had earlier? I'm gonna work it out. I think there's something in that theory. I think there's something in that theory. I say chase it. I say chase it on stage. That theory that I had earlier. I'm going to work it out. I'm going to take Sean's theory. I'm going to build on it. I mean, guys, if you Google Adam Driver hot, he's riding a lion, I think, in this picture. Well, that doesn't make someone hot. It doesn't make your face different.

It doesn't make you not hot. It makes you sexy, David. What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? All right. All right. What are you? What's wrong here?

He's sexy. Oh, I got to say, though, to be to be David. what's wrong by what all right all right what what are you what's wrong here he's oh i gotta say though sexy to be to be uh david look man this picture of him in the water is doing a lot of favors okay the hair is covering the face there's like a glint there's a glint there's like sun spots on the picture that are covering up a little bit of space i mean you can't everybody's sexy at sundown everybody's sexy in the dr i understand his body is also it's great but it's also a weird it's broad it's it's it looks like it's built for moving he is strong but i'm just saying he's not your typical this is a weird angle that i'm keeping the picture that uh that david is referring to is him standing in water and and it's a a burberry fragrance ad what are we doing yeah we're gonna look our best and it has lens flare on it david that's what i'm saying you can't use

this one listen once again i guess i was tricked by hollywood and this guy's not hot didn't you buy sauvage yeah yeah now i got tom ford but yeah i started at so much you did buy so it was a long way it's a long journey every one of us is burying jewelry in the desert at some point so do you guys get compliments on your cologne yes since i switched to the tom ford yeah okay you don't wear cologne sean i don't okay you get do you get compliments on your do you not do people just barf when they walk by no people what are you wearing uh that's that's very funny but that's not the case

people love to smell me people love to smell me people go people travel for miles to give me a hug my friend smell like i wear mall like? I wear mall scents only. Mall scents? If you can't get it at a Hollister or an Abercrombie, I don't put it on. Wow. I thought you meant mall. That's different than mall kiosk scents. I was like, damn.

They wish. Caleb's wearing hot pussy or whatever. That's good. Wearing a cool, cold-like pussy getter. You wearing bootleg Nikes? No, these are Jordansans these are jordans there's a u between the o and the r but these are jordans jordans jordans i bet you hollister still smells kind of good though abercrombie cologne is legitimately good if you just do a little bit i legitimately love the abercrombie cologne i don't know if it's like stockholm syndrome because used to work there, but anytime I walk by

the Abercrombie, I spray some on because I really do like the Fierce Cologne. Hollister as well. Thank you, Marissa. Yes. Thank you. People love it. You watch that Abercrombie doc? It's pretty buck too. Sure did. Loved it. Loved the policy. Bring it back. Get fat people out of the stores.

I'm sorry. Get them out. I want to see hot people at the stores. I don't want to go out to the mall i'm not driving to glendale to see a fat person or an ugly person is there a hollister in glendale is there an abercrombie in glendale mall right now they're sure they're sure as hell as my friend and it's a couple years but it's a couple stores down from a uh uh deluxe chocolate place that does chocolate covered strawberries not bad okay let me walk into a store where they still won't help me yes you know yes here year of our lord 2022 when i used to go into abercrombie no one

would even come up they wouldn't they wouldn't even they'd be like no i gotta leave i gotta leave once when i was when i was 15 or 16 they asked me to leave and and all i had for it was respect i said good for you all right yeah stan was it marissa did she ask you to leave yes marissa did you ever have to kick somebody out for being ugly? Like an Adam Driver type? No, I've had to kind of kick someone out for being super creepy, but no, not ugly. Oh, yeah. That's good. It was Caleb.

It was Caleb. We used to have, sometimes like, because as part of like the employee look, you had to wear flip flops. Sometimes we'd get in like guys who had like foot fetishes and would just come in to like look at employees feet. That's awesome. No one's getting hurt. No harm,

no foul. Let him look. Imagine the message word. He found that out. Oh, what a fucking come up for the foot fetish people. And they were like, you will not fucking believe what's going on.

And I have to wear sandals. They just got him out. It's mandatory. They just got him out. You just cut to that guy's front door flapping in the wind. He's doing more harm if you kick him out. Let him stay and look. Oh, my God.

Yeah. You let your kids drink at the house so they don't go do it somewhere else. 100%, my friend. He's out of control. Friends in Low Places, a song i don't even remember when i learned i feel like it just came on a jukebox one day and i knew all the words it's perfect yes it's so good perfect song it's a perfect song david boy time for your first pick jolene yeah totally thank you Yeah, totally.

Thank you. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. I'm begging of you, please don't take my man. Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene. Please don't take him just because you can Yeah, I mean, she wrote that, and I will always love you in one night. It's beautiful. Correct me if I'm wrong, but her manager told her that she was gaining too much weight, so she couldn't go party with the dudes anymore,

and so she stayed in that night and wrote, Jolene and I will always love you. I don't know manager that's the first part good is that is that what happened I think so I think her manager said she was partying too much and like getting like I think straight up gaining too much weight is what he said obviously that wasn't true but and then that night she wrote those two songs

whatever it takes to get those two songs right there's a manual con you know like a perspective greatest good it takes to get those two songs. I always have the right, you have the right dickhead thing to say. Whatever it takes. There's a, there's a manual con, you know, like a Kantian perspective, greatest good,

whatever it takes to get there. He had to call her fat. She wrote those two songs. We take what we can get. We did what we have to do. Those songs fucking rock. Are you kidding? They rock.

It's insane. It is insane. Inspired by a redheaded bank clerk who flirted with her husband, Carl Dean at his local bank branch around the time they were newly married. Carl Dean. insane it is insane inspired by a red-headed bank clerk who flirted with her husband carl dean at his local bank branch around the time they were newly married do you think jolene knows she's jolene dude can you imagine riding that fucking high for nobody would i bet nobody would believe her i bet you nobody believes her i bet a lot of people all the time and shit you know i'm joking you know oh sure a lot of like paint what is it ivory skin redheads i've heard i don't know if i can say this say what you've

said everything else yeah but that's all stuff with them i can say whatever i want about gay people and fat people what are they gonna do i mean what are they gonna do to me send me to jail uh i've heard i've heard Dolly's a lesbian. I've heard that too. I've heard that too. Really? I've heard. Jolene was out about a lover.

It really, I guess, doesn't change anything for me. That's beautiful. I said it so excited, but then I thought about it like, really doesn't. Thank you, David. Thanks for taking a stand, David. I just I thought I thought it was crazier than it's gorgeous.

That's gorgeous. So sweet. And this comes out in June. This episode comes out in June, so that's beautiful. Thank you. That's no that's no accident. Thank you. That was Stonewall. What you just did was Stonewall. What's June? What's June?

It's lesbian awareness month. Go was Stonewall. What you just did was Stonewall, David. What's June? It's Lesbian Awareness Month. Okay. Go to Home Depot. Is that when they have the walk on the bikes? Is that when they have the bikes thing? Is that the bikes thing? Dykes on bikes? I don't know the terms. Dykes on bikes.

She has always... Dolly Parton, I always knew people who were like, man, she's hot because she had huge boobs. But she did always seem like someone's idea of what a straight guy would think was hot. You know what I mean? It would also make her a little less of a saint if she was a lesbian. Because I will say, as a white woman in country in like the 60s, she was on TV shows being like, I don't care what people do just as long as they're happy. And it's like,

well, you know, if she was a closet lesbian, of course that's, there's a motive there. Yeah. It's not just saying it's a little less selfless, right?

It's a little more. I've never been more out of my element in the conversation. Can you agree? She's like, it's because if she's, she's fully straight that is just selflessness no that's always a bummer that's always a bummer with anybody's denying anything of themselves and then you're like well okay i thought you wanted me to be me i don't know i've never even heard this till today though the lesbian rumors i always thought she was straight

as hell got this marissa cut all this yeah i think we got it let's keep it in let's keep it let's just run it all back obviously keep it in maybe we go back to the poop mouth thing we start fresh cut everything i said about dolly barton potentially being a lesbian and and copy and paste in the stuff that ian said about black stand-ups yeah let's just do that twice just make that my opinions the same. I heard he said Ian there when that was, I think it was Sean. I know that was like 20 minutes ago. Make that whole theory two hours long and that'll be the episode.

I do think that was Sean Jordan who trotted that out. But then keep in the part where I'll be in Seattle June 2nd. Leave that. I will have worked out my white country musician black stand-up theory fully by June 3rd of the year after. He thinks that.

I promise that's going to take at least a summer. We're both going to have our takes on this theory for our shows on June 2nd and June 3rd. There will be a small Rainbow Push Coalition booth at my show. Guys, you might have reached Ian's recent views on black stand-up comedians I am no longer a member of all fantasy everything do not write keep tagging

Caleb instead I'll say if you try to leave brother let me tell you about your mentions they're not going to be cute there's no getting out of this it's the only way out to the pine box buddy your fans are rabid david borey is attached to the project already also have you guys ever heard of stella parton pretty cool i think it's her sister whoa part pardon Parton. Oh, I said it weird.

Yeah, I thought you were saying Stella Parton. I don't know. Stella Mae, also country singer. She's a singer? Oh, and she's beautiful. Yeah, I don't want to say picks, but... Oh. All right, Stella.

All right. Anyways, Jolene. Jolene. Yeah, Jolene is amazing. Sean Jordan, time for your first pick i have to i gotta go back to uh a familiar well already but i just have to in the sake of getting this song on my list i have the feeling if we waited somebody would take it because it'd be farther away from the first pick but i have to go garth Brooks' Thunder Rolls. I have to. Yeah.

The thunder rolls In the lightning strikes Another love grows cold On a sleepless night As the storm goes on Out of control Deep in her heart The thunder rolls With the extra verse.

With the extra verse. Yeah, where she murders him. Of course, with that. You mean the Goosebumps verse? The Goosebumps verse? Yeah, I'm keeping the Goosebumps verse in. It is such a good song.

Such a good song. And then, do you remember when you found out about the extra verse? That is a treat right there. I do good song. And then, do you remember when you found out about the Extraverse? That is a treat right there. I do. I moved to Elizabeth, Colorado and I was in a car with some people I was very uncomfortable with

and they were playing all these songs I had never heard. And if only there had been a way for you to connect to white male country musicians. Please. Some sort of bridge. Some sort of laid out theory

that could have connected these worlds for you. Ian was too young to put the pieces together just yet. Meanwhile, in Beaverton, Oregon, a young Ianan carmel yeah he was watching the original kings of comedy listening to french and low paces and a light bulb came how why rollerblading around with a pencil in his mouth hmm yeah man thunder rolls it's just a perfect ass country so i mean it's just it's what i think of

it's the first song that pops into my mind when i think of country music there's a yeah there's a great part in the uh garth documentary about all the backlash he faced about what which part of it the domestic abuse oh yeah wait does No, he cheats on her. He doesn't hit her or anything. She kills him. No, there's... I'm pretty sure there's domestic violence in there as well. No, he...

So she's up late. In the video. Oh, in the video. In the thunder rolls. The thunder rolling, I'm pretty sure is... Oh, is him beating? When the thunder rolls, there's beating going on. I'm sorry. I'm'm sorry to say i thought that's what it was about isn't it i think that's the whole song the the lyrics are she's up late he cheats on he comes home she smells the

perfume she she knows he's coming back from somewhere he never should have been the thunder rolls da da da and then the last verse she goes and gets the gun and marks him but i never i don't remember the video maybe yeah there probably is some backlash if that was the case but i mean it's not saying it's okay but it's telling a specific story it's telling a story that's what he said yeah i mean it's like it's not like he's glorifying that she kills him so i don't i i don't if the song was like do what you got to do when you get home then it'd be bad but it was you know telling a story i don't i don't know i don't see i just to me it's just like a movie or something am i crazy no you're normal conservative people are crazy no right that's the that's kind of the issue is that

conservative people saw it and we're like why is this on television yeah i mean it was what mid 90 early 90s probably so it was maybe too much to swallow back then but who's watching someone watching it right now i got some videos queued up yeah man thunder rolls i just i love it i think it's a perfect song and garth was gonna get mentioned again so i just figured i'd do it yeah oh he'll probably get mentioned again he will i'll do it i'll make damn sure i can do it it's a fucking i'll fucking do it asshole i thought you quit david i'm back i needed the bread you you wouldn't loan me that thousand dollars that's right wait you guys don't get paid for this, do you? No, no, Caleb, not at all.

What's the next pick? We pay for it. It costs us each $49. Yeah, no, we don't. Caleb, get it out of your head. I think he ends up. I think he ends up. Come to my first pick.

My first pick. It's going to be one of my favorite songs ever. Limp Bizkit's not country, by by the way you can't pick faith by what if you tried to do that you're like faith by limp biscuit my first pick is gonna be the baby selling crack joke from dave chappelle the parallels are so similar it's like they're it's like they're neighbors with country music so it's how that lines up with mr mom from home now if you if you uh no my song written by chris christopherson

oh yeah not the version written by chris christopherson. Oh, yeah, man. Not the version written by Chris Christopherson. I'm going to take the version of Sunday Morning Coming Down, performed by Johnny Cash himself. Well, I woke up Sunday morning With no way to hold my head That didn't hurt And the beer I had for breakfast Wasn't bad So I had one more for dessert

i do you guys know what i don't know it i said beautiful to be supportive i liked it i said beautiful to be supportive i don't know what this is last episode last episode we picked we're talking about cocktail or something and it's like just just to get it out there if i have ever said that i've seen cocktail in any one of the previous episodes of this show i was lying i've never seen it i may have said i've seen it to sound cool i definitely have i haven't seen it i've nodded along to jokes i probably yes and in a few you guys get into a lot of cocktail stuff on the pod that's coming up sometimes you get lost in a rip i may have said i was really tired when i saw it or oh that was like 15 years ago it wasn't bits and

pieces that's my go-to classic though yeah i was i was half popped when i saw it so i couldn't tell you anything about it i wasn't but i'm definitely a movie guy sunday morning coming down is a ballad about waking up on a Sunday after getting just fucking obliterated the night before. Sure. Just and how everything is. Everything hurt. It just everything on a Sunday morning hurts. Sunday morning coming down. Sure.

How are we not? Why don't we just play that some Sunday of the many that we've had? I must have played it at some point. Maybe. Maybe everything was just going too slow and I didn't catch it but i was like oh this is a tight jam the the chorus is on a sunday morning sidewalk wishing lord that i was stoned because there's something in a sunday makes a body feel alone and there's nothing short of dying half as lonesome as the sound on the sleeping city sidewalks sunday morning coming down and then he talks about in the park i saw daddy with a laughing little girl who he was swinging you know he's talking about all the

shit you see like on a sunday morning when you're like i'm still fucking awake when you're when you're chris christopherson hungover yeah because you were up drinking and doing amphetamines fighting vampires fighting vampires fighting vampires the night before classic christopherson shit it's just one of those great fucking like songs that captures like a feeling that i think we've all like been through where it's like shit why are these people awake why are people going to church or playing in the park and i'm still fucking awake and I can't fall asleep because I'm still strung out on the drugs I was doing last night and all the booze and everything. Some of those like ride. I remember when I get off bartending, we'd go to my buddy Pat's house because he had a bar in his basement and we couldn't like drink or work or whatever. So just be up to like seven or eight on that Sunday just after work.

But then I'd bike home. People are going to church and it's like, what? Why isn't everyone biking home to go to sleep right now? This is shocking. I don't know how you guys are living. I want to speak up for any of the listeners who aren't relating to this. Yeah, I don't. I don't do shit like this. I think about me. I'm gonna go home and I'm not going to be up for church regardless. When people are going to church, I'm still asleep. We

we think all three of us are stay till everyone's gone type folks. I'll be going. Fortunately, yeah, I'll be catching. I'll be catching my own car home. You stay late. I just stay till seven late. You stay past your welcome.

I sleep on my welcome. It's also hearing a song like this spoken out loud with no music is really fucking bleak. Hearing that, I was just like, God, dude, get help. Isn't it? Yeah. It wasn't a good time for me to listen to that. It is intense when you look at some of the lyrics.

Like, just look at them. Right. There's no instruments behind it. You just speak. Hurt by Johnny Cash. That's some fucked up, scary shit to hear. Yeah, that's just like a bad time. Yeah, absolutely. absolutely bad time if you read it in a journal you'd be terrified you'd call someone yeah oh yeah if i read it in a journal you're getting locked up yeah 51 50 baby

i don't keep a journal you know i just i just got these tats yeah i 51 50 people the song doesn't get much less bleak with music behind it but it's it's it's but there's something romantic about it sure especially when johnny cash is singing it yeah listen to it for sure this will be another fun playlist i'm serious this will be a fun playlist episode sunday morning coming down that's my first pick and then to uh just want to offset the i don't know the the bleakness of pick. I'm taking Chattahoochee by Alan Jackson. Oh, man.

Dude, it's so good. Way Down Yonder by the Chattahoochee? It's so good. It's hotter than a ho Chattahoochee? It's so good. It gets hotter than a hoochie-coochie, to be honest. It gets hotter than a hoochie-coochie. Alan Jackson is also tall. He's like 6'5 or some shit. I'll buy that.

He's no Trace Adkins. My mom used to call the act of love hoochie-cooing. Did any... Rock and roll hoochie-cooing? Well, because Alan Jackson says hoochie-cooing in this. And my mom used to... Whenever she busted the cats doing it, she'd be like, don't go in that room. The cats were hoochie cooing? Well, because Alan Jackson says hoochie cooing in this. And my mom used to, whenever she busted the cats doing it, she'd be like, don't go in that room. The cats were hoochie cooing in there.

Wait, whenever she busted the cats doing it? We had 13 cats. And so they would always try to bone and she would stop them because then they make kittens, obviously. And she could never get rid of the kittens because she doesn't have it in her. So every time they had a litter, she kept them all. What do you mean they make kittens?

How often was she catching the bus and the cats hoochie cooing? I think a lot. I feel like I'm speaking a different language. I had a babysitter who would say hoochie coochie. She'd say, no hoochie coochie. And we'd be like, what? We're 10, bitch.

She was weird. She was weird. She was real. She was strange. Her name is Teresa. It makes it seem like she wants hoochie cooing when that happens uh she was strange she was a strange cat don't you guys hoochie i'm going to the store don't hoochie coo and i know hoochie coon while i'm gone see in the music i was raised on hoochies have coochies but that's just a different culturally it's just different it gets hotter than a hoochie's coochie i mean that's a whole different song you learn how to swim you learn who you was a lot about living a little bit about love just there's that one part

in there that line where he's like um i was ready but she wasn't willing which you're like okay where are you going and then the next line he's like so i dropped her off and like got some ice cream or something and you're like cool yeah then he went down to the river and got plowed so you fucking handle it pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight it is such a good song it's still i bet once a week i listen to that song it comes up like on spot it really speaks to the experience of never knowing how much those muddy waters meant to you if you've yeah if you've lived through that this song is for you it's one of the seminal works in the space of not really knowing how much those muddy waters meant right one of the one of the titans in the space it stands singular in that even when so many

even when so many other people have written towering works in the space you know you can't do that before you go donate a sample otherwise they won't take it is this me saying oof really weird bit working for anybody or do we think? It is.

I lost it, but I'll get it back. We'll let it find its audience. Yeah, I just love that. A theme of the day. The guitar in it is so fun. It really does. It feels like going to the river when i was a kid like just like being sunburned and adults are getting drunk people's breath smell like malty

i love that fucking fork it over dude i love it i can get over that yeah bro love it bro sean jordan i'm going real sad second song real sad used to play this a couple skate at carousel skate and my aunts loved this song when I was growing up I still love it to this day it is Tim McGraw don't take the girl come on I knew that that was gonna be your second you love this song take the very breath you gave me take the heart from my chest I'll gladly take her place if you'll let me Make this my last request Take me out of this world God, please

Don't take the girl You want to talk about some lyrics you know the lyrics of this song oh yeah so the whole the whole point don't take the girl we've talked about this podcast before i swear we have no not country music i've talked about this yeah dozens dozens of times they're going fishing he brings a girl and the kid's like, please don't take the girl. And then they're in high. Can you see these goosebumps? Are they showing?

Yeah. My body just turned into a goose bump. They're really actually concerning. Can you see these goosebumps on my penis? Are they showing right now? Terrifying. So second verse, he's in high school. He gets robbed and then he just goes,

here's the keys to my car. Just don't take the girl. I swear to God, I'm gonna start crying because I have a kid. But the third verse, they're in the hospital and they come out and say the baby's fine, but's the keys to my car. Just don't take the girl. I swear to God, I'm going to start crying because I have a kid. But the third verse, they're in the hospital and they come out and say, the baby's fine, but you'll have to leave because her mother stayed and passed. And Johnny hit his knees.

And there he said, you know, take the part from my chest. Are you serious? I wish I could show you how big these goosebumps are. They're bigger than the dick. That's the crazy part. That's the crazy part. Take the heart from my chest make this my last request god please don't take the girl it's just such a good song and tim mcgraw also has been in movies and he's very funny he was in uh four christmases he's great at four christmases

yeah he's he's been in some movies and he's great in friday night lights thank you friday night lights so tim mcgraw knows what's up he's out there mcgraw fucking yeah he can act dude leather cowboy hat get off me he's got a lane he and faith have also caught heat for doing uh gun control rallies yeah that's right they're in these streets they got the they got the good politics we like to see it maybe not all the way around oh the good the good the good side okay i bet you they swing around a little bit too i bet you they have have a good touch with each other in their marriage. You think they swing? I think they do. They're

much older and attractive still, so I think they're out there. Faith Hill. In high school, I confused Faith Evans with Faith Hill. I was talking to this kid, Clint Noe, and he was like, I don't think that's a Faith Hill song. Clayton had your fucking ticket and he was like i don't think that's a faith hill song clinton had your fucking ticket he was like no yeah it's like faith hill doesn't talk about

percolating too much that's mary j blige sean that's mary j blige isn't it are you talking about faith evans talks about centrifugal motion though yeah i'm talking about i'll be watching you or i'll be missing you faith hill looks like she could like cuss you out without cussing you out she looks she looks mean faith faith hill no yeah she looks like she could like if if her flight got delayed or something you would not want to have to tell her that kind of oh yeah she looks like your friend's hot mean mom where you're like i don't want to go over there if she's gonna be over there someone tells you a story and you're like no way and they're like yep you just haven't you've only seen her at like nine o'clock on a friday at home when she's half a bottle deep and she's in a great mood you haven't ever seen her out at menards where

she's always a bummer oh yeah yeah she looks mean to me too yeah tim mcgraw faith hill didn't make my list tim mcgraw on the other hand don't take the girl fantastic country song sad tells a good story can't remember the video i think the video is just him honestly i think it was like one of those concert videos where it has nothing to do with the song it's just him in different lights looking sexy yeah well timmy timmy m man david boy time for your second pick second pick i kind of want to stay away from garth because we've been there for so long we're going back so it's just a matter i know but that's what i'm saying so maybe i'll give it some space i'm taking fancy by reba mcintyre now come on come on

thank you come on turn it up one chance a better story? One chance only, by the way. She said, here's your one chance, fans. You don't let me down. Here's your one chance, fans. You don't let me down. Lord, forgive me for what I do. But if you won't have what it's like to you, don't let me down.

Now your mama's going to be uptown. The good man's going to take you uptown. Yeah. You hate to see it. And then she made good. You hate to see it. You hate to see it. Have you seen her video? Yes.

She got all rich. She was fancy. That can only happen in New Orleans. They also featured that song in a Fritos commercial. Oh, yeah. During the Super Bowl. Well, fancy, obviously. happened in new orleans they also featured that song in a uh fritos commercial oh yeah well fancy obviously i don't remember that but that's hilarious i just saw it in a documentary i was watching yesterday you got a lot of documentaries under that belt that's all i do brother i don't really watch tv all i do is watch documentaries i'm a i'm a good time i'm

really outing myself on the podcast as a fucking loser. I'm like, staying out till 7 a.m.? No thanks. I'll be home watching documentaries. I'll be home watching a CMT retrospective on Reba McEntire's 90s. Believe it. Reba's sitcom went for a long time, too. People made money off that shit. It's because she was a smoke show. Yeah, dude.

It's not just because she was a smoke show. I have to say, it was the star power of Miss Barbara Jean. Barbara Jean. You never knew what she was going to get into. I never watched it with the sound on. What? I know there was like a dumb son, I think.

David is figuring himself out. I got to the bottom of it fancy yeah it's just like such a good story so sad the welfare people took the kids and her mom died and then she was like i'm gonna be a lady somehow and you know from ashy to classy like we say is that's the story of fancy beautiful. Beautiful song. It has a great video. I love a story video where it's like the video is literally what's happening in the song. I love that shit. I love that shit. I love that shit. I feel like that doesn't happen a lot anymore.

No, no. It's all like kids sad about drugs. Are there a lot of kids sad about drugs videos now? That's what I feel like all I'm seeing. I was happy about them when I was a kid. Oh, that's changed. Oh, yeah. A lot of the rappers are sad about drugs. Everybody's a virgin now.

No drugs, no sex. Chase. I got rid of that real quick. Yeah, got a lot of there. Eight. No, twelve. Sorry. Thirteen. I realize eight isn't even funny to. Sorry. Thirteen. I realize eight isn't even funny to joke about. Thirteen is the cutoff for it being funny.

It's intense because when I say that I have to be like no, I'm serious. I'm serious. It's not a dirty joke. I'm telling you. So. Well, my turn. Well, over to old C. so well it's my turn well over the whole sea no problem i actually have a grievance to air oh which is which is that none of you gentlemen have had the courage or integrity to put this group on the, on the episode yet.

So I have to step up. Oh, DC, you better believe it. This is, this is wide open spaces by the chicks. She needs wide open spaces. Room to make a big mistake.

She needs new faces. room to make a big mistake she needs new faces she knows the highest stakes I knew it oh yeah yeah yeah I got some chick songs on here I do too I got one that's real dang

that's a country record by the chicks wide open spaces by the chicks wide open spaces she needed wide open spaces by the chicks wide open spaces yeah she needed oh i could do it all day it's got easy listening to this song came out right in the middle of my like i like all music except country like phase like right that's what i was saying in the thick of it back in high school that was like the there were the people who liked country and they only listened to country and then there was everyone else including me right like corn

biscuit papa roach and then papa roach and then like okay corn sucks now but taking back sunday the ataris they were like all these people but it was like never country and even still my like fucking sad ass was at home like the chicks are more punk than every single oh yeah they took the hell like they went down they're rolling stones cover yeah they went down stone cover rather was such a right that was where they had painted like slut like everything on their bodies it's basically the country music little kim like how she went to jail for not snitching they were like nah we're holding it down strong also great video wide open spaces great video on the road tour docs we're in the bus goofing videos those are fun videos i like this i love that a fun personal story about wide open spaces is when i was a kid

i thought that it was saying um i thought her dad sells her dad sells as a as a part of her dad her dad yells check your oil and that she says it in such a funny way that i thought her dad was speaking like uh german or something because it just sounds like her dad yells check your boy and i was like oh her dad's foreign i i was like that's a weird note of it but i didn't know natalie main's father was a rabbi yeah he was saying i was like, that's a weird note of it, but I didn't know. Natalie Maine's father was a rabbi. Yeah, he was a Polish rabbi. Sure, we've all heard that. Yeah. I was like, okay.

You start doing that weird math in your head where they're like, they must be from that part of Texas that still speaks German. Right. Oh, yeah. Carving out. They're from the Bosnian part of St. Louis. There's something going on. Yeah.

Yeah. They're from Houston.alie name is a weird little fucking spark plug dude i love her yeah just like a little like a like a little pimple what they do they did like uh what they did like a big fuck bush thing or what was it they hated yeah yeah but they were like very vocal about it right that's why they the start of their troubles no they they were at a concert in uh in london they said and if you guys haven't watched the shut up and sing documentary i've seen it a number of times very good oh that's right go ahead but they said they said at the start of the iraq war they were

against the war and all they said was we just want y'all to know we're on the good side with you we don't want this war and we're ashamed that the president united states is from texas and it caused hell they were banned from the airwaves they were people running over their cds in the streets with tractors it was crazy all they said was they didn't like the george bush was from texas viral before viral right like like an early viral oh yeah death threats it was crazy they had to have extra security at concerts oh yeah nuts still yeah still got on my queens my queens they're playing the they're playing the uh um much like the original queens of comedy standing up for what they believe

that remains as reminiscent of monique if you think about it thank you thank you yes yes yes yes there was nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come oh man everything seems crazy until it's out there because people can't conceive of it seriously it's on thank you thank you thank you you know what i'll plant i'll plant i'll plant fucking trees knowing that i will never live long enough to sit under their shade. That's a fun saying. Speaking of the shade room. I'm spanking you.

Speaking of shade, queen. Oh, man. No, I had followed the shade room a while ago. i was in too deep you were reaching a point of no return what do they do on there is it like blind items is it blind items on the shade room what are they doing what are you oh i don't know about it it's news it's current events it's current events it's current events you gotta go on it i it's current events it's current events it's current events you gotta go on it it's hard to

explain all right it'll suck you in deep it's a collection of tweets videos of drake and his son uh clips of charlamagne the god always okay just a lot of different things come on kamala pops up kamal anyways do y'all do y'all want me to pick another song go ahead no no it was great i'd love it oh wait yeah you're first for the next i don't even know what's yeah i don't even know what's going on i'm gonna give you guys a choice here okay do you want me to do um a wild card funny pick or do you want me to do an ode to selfishness? I like ode to selfishness myself. I want an ode to selfishness too, yeah. Okay, ode to selfishness.

This is one of the most selfish songs ever written. It's completely iconic. I once broke a karaoke machine that I got for Christmas within a week of getting it by playing this song over and over again. This is from Mr. Toby Keith, I Want to Talk About Me.

Oh yeah. Genius. I like talking about thing to write a song about. You, you, you, you usually. I want to talk about me. He's talking about how his girlfriend won't shut the hell up. He wants to talk about himself. Yeah. Iconic. I internalize this in such a powerful way.

He says me like six different ways, right? Yeah. Like, I want to talk about me and myself. I want to talk about me and myself. I want to talk about number one. Oh, my, me, my. What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see. I like talking about you, you, you, you, usually.

But occasionally, I want to talk about me. Me, me. Oh, that shit rocked. It's like a song from a Disney musical. It's fucking awesome that's my song that like a cartoon bull would sing like walking around a fucking oh it's awesome it's so awesome it's just a song about how he wants to talk about himself i love it it's really like a stand-up comedian it's like it's an anthem for stand-up comedians

what kind of stand-up comedians uh black white ones no it's insane i would have it's a great 1997 uh fucking toby keith is so funny he's so funny to me he is i feel like he's that kind of funny where he's funny at work but then you guys go out for beers one time and he says what he really thinks and you're like he can say the real word he can start swearing and you're like oh yeah i think he's probably saying some words you don't want him to say i think he's more funny it's just like a general entity like his existence is very funny to me it is funny and god bless country music for like

fostering an environment where a toby keith can exist we yeah we went to war with the entire middle east and uh he said he was going to stick a boot up their ass i mean that's just pretty did he ever do that did anyone follow up on that did he put his boot up the middle east ass yeah did he do that no the military was involved they did he did spit in their eye though he did do that he did spit in there he went over there right he did go over there he might have cussed him out he served you cussed him out pretty bad you might have cussed him out his art was service his art was war yeah yeah in a big way they heard that song and they probably felt pretty bad about it oh i bet they're laughing so hard i bet everyone i bet everyone who doesn't know the united states hears that song goes what a bunch of fucking losers what a bunch of dorks

a bunch of fucking nerd ass losers. Do you think other countries have pop songs about how they're going to beat our ass? If you go over to North Korea, do you think there's just some hulking fucking dude with a curly mullet talking about we should go to war with those fucking people? Oh no, they're going to send their biggest dork over here

to kick our butt. That guy wears American flag denim and he's going to kick our butt so hard. I hope they don't send the, I should have been a cowboy guy over here. Then what would we do? Should have been a cowboy. I should have learned to rope and ride. I hope that guy can leave his restaurant long enough to get his big ass over here and kick our butt properly. You're talking about Toby Keith'sith toby keith i love this bar oh wait i like kobe i love this bar and grill kobe teeth kobe teeth is a lot scarier than

toby keith colby teeth just got out i love this bar an american grill is that what it's called yeah i love this bar and grill right they used to have one at uh rose at the rosemont uh zany's and by chicago they used to have a toby keith's like right next door such a weird one of those there's like comedy club a few restaurants a few bars and like a casino you're like what the hell is i think it's got some jacked up name like toby keith's i love this american bar and grill it's long it's something like that yeah i thought it was i love this bar and grill it's toby keith's something or another for sure toby keith's and then american is in there somewhere you wouldn't expect it okay it's toby america keith's i love this bar and grill and america ferrera present i love this bar i love this bar and grill it's just i love this bar and grill. It's just I love this bar and grill. I know that because there's one 17 minutes away.

Oh, shit. We got to go. It's next to a Texas Roadhouse and an Ulta. Oh, I'd spend some time over there. What's an Ulta? It's a business park. Oh, Ulta is a makeup restaurant. Restaurant.

It's a restaurant you get dressed up for. A makeup restaurant. Get your goop glow screen at Ulta y'all wearing glow screen no i i'm i'm anti goop you're you say goop yeah but this isn't this isn't guinna paltrow's group i don't think i think it's a different thing super it's another group it's called super group oh super goop no what is glow what is glow what is it close screen is a a tented uh sunscreen for your face that uh it has spf in it but it also um it has a tent to it so it evens you out a little bit or like makes your face look dewy and it's a super goop like one direction kind of like just exactly like that just a bunch of stars yeah thank you thank you for that hey man i try

i just i leave the operative word you know i'm in a good mood all the time that's why a lot of this shit gets by very good david time for your third pick uh my third pick we got to talk about cowboys a little bit it was gonna be here it's country music i'm taking willie and whalen mamas don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys. Come on in. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Absolutely.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. Don't let them pick guitars or drive them old troupes. Let them be doctors and lawyers and such. Mamas. Don't let your babies. It's just kind of. A lot of the folk boys, a lot of the folk boys from the mid-2000s to now are shaking. They want what Willie and Waylon had.

Oh, they need it. Are you kidding me? They need it. They need it. A bunch of weed and a hit? Come on. That's what they had. Some pills?

Some pills. Just a little weed and a guitar. That's what they had. Some pills? Some pills. Just a little weed and a guitar. That's all you need. Yeah, that's it. That's it. Those guys were getting fucking twerked. Absolutely just fucking just absolutely just on so many different things.

They talk about it. Do you guys ever watch Tales from a tour bus yeah no they talk about it so much about how those country stars like all the outlaw country guys were just getting of course they were up and shooting each other yeah just fucking in a way that we could only dream of those guys were nuts pills thrills and chills yeah they didn't get they didn't care but yeah they were having fun i love that song uh i love a song where it's like i'm no good you know what i mean don't don't fall in love with me don't fall in love with me

it's weird in the song they're like mamas don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys don't oh no never mind don't let them pick guitars or drive them old trucks let them be doctors and lawyers and such yeah yeah yeah which by the way as far as mamas go they're all mostly rooting for lawyers and doctors right yeah yeah he's not a ton of them being like cowboys yeah or comedians laura's parents were dying for her to end up with a comedian so yeah you know sometimes i would be so mad if my kid brought a comedian oh my god after everything i've done yeah i would be so i would be so mean to him i would be a few weeks ago i straight up i was like what was it weird it's like it's a comedian because you know a lot of us are successful none of us have any money and the older you get the less comedians you know oh my gosh guys it's

like you're either steve martin or you're nobody yeah we don't know anybody you just so you just kind of hang out yeah you're you're you whittle you know the Smothers Brothers? Live at the Purple Onion. Are you familiar with the Smothers Brothers, Sean? Yeah, I know who the Smothers Brothers are. We've talked about it. Whittling was one of my other Stitch experiences, just so you know, Sean.

I was trying to whittle something, and I got this knuckle right here. And you took your nipple clean off. I took my nipple. I took the other nipple. Hey, Doc, I'm back. You won't believe what I did this knuckle right here. And you took your nipple clean off. I took my nipple. I took the other nipple. Hey, Doc, I'm back. You won't believe what I did this time. I hope you got the needle warm. Jesus.

Heat it up. Heat up my needle. My needle. Get the nipple thread out, Doc. I'm back. I lost another bit. This song is just good advice, too, because I don't know how many cowboys

there are still getting work. Not a lot. I don't know where all the cowboys are. This is a very pro-Jewish song, and you don't get a lot of those out of country music, and I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Doctors and lawyers? Sure.

Sure. Sure. We will I appreciate that. Doctors and lawyers? Sure. Sure. Sure. We will happily accept the admiration. Yeah. Cowboys? No. Absolutely not.

And then a few years later, City Slickers came out. So you do the math. Put the numbers together. You figure it out. Yeah. I'm not here to do all that for you. Sean Jordan,

time for your third pick. Third pick. Man, this is tough. yeah i'm not here to do all that for you sean jordan time for your third pick third pick um man this is this is tough yeah i'm gonna go newer i thought i don't know exactly when this came out i want to say more than 10 years ago um but i feel like she she started something in country music and she's had a ton of hits since but she just kind of opened the door. I'm going Carrie Underwood, Before He Cheats. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I'll go ahead. I dug my key into the side of this pretty little souped-up four-wheel drive To call my name and who is let it cease I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights And lashed our home in all four tires I feel like we, like there wasn't a strong female ballad or like not a strong female voice, but like there just wasn't a lot going on for women in country. I feel like it's always been an uphill battle for him and that song was

an extremely powerful just a huge fuck you to dudes and like how we are and uh she just ruined his car which i'm sure that's all that dude cared about and it's a funny song she uh i don't know she makes fun of the girl because she can't shoot whiskey and uh yeah his pretty little souped up four-wheel drive she took a bat to it doesn't she make fun of her for not being able to shoot a combo? Which is, that's not like that easy. He says that, she says you're probably up teaching her how to shoot a combo. And she don't know, or he don't know that I drug my key along the side of this pretty little souped up four wheel drive. Carved my name into his leather seeds.

Which is kind of like telling him who did it. Yeah, oh yeah him who did it yeah oh yeah she's carrie did it she she's carrie underwood was able to sprint because uh the chicks and martina mcbride and shania twain all uh ran absolutely yeah and i feel like you know but they just needed ran ran uh bill cosby ran track in the college. Sean, your theory is getting big play time on this episode. Big time. Yeah.

Well, now we're kind of getting... This isn't really my theory anymore. This is just kind of more you guys talking. My theory is pretty cut and dry. Sounded a lot like Ian because I felt possessed for a second. But yeah, I was behind it. It's Carrie Underwood. I actually haven't been talking a lot during this episode. Ew.

Don't do that. Did you hear this with the Farrah Nose voice? That was horrifying. Ian, just so you know, that was really, really scary. Wait, are we all going to go, Andrat? Well, since Ian hasn't really been talking too much, neither have I. I'm just going to kind of keep it quiet on my end as well. Then I guess I can't. There's no

really way to differentiate between pics anymore. I'm not me. I was about to say it puts the lotion on its skin or else. Yeah, Marissa, will you do something that's going off the rails i don't know what to do we need you to police the room don't kick me out before he cheats yeah good song and that's it that can be my pick who's next great carry underwood i hope he cheats there's wood under a lot of things uh okay time for my third and fourth picks as it is as it is a serpentine draft all right who okay i mean if we're going

if we're going songs by uh women in country music amazing strong women maybe women who have been a bit contradictory at times i fucking good tammy married four times why net by the way standing by her man which just makes the song better more like tammy why not let's go to vegas and do it you know more like absolutely why not hey hey more like uh tammy why not hey hey more like clammy clam you know you're getting nervous right before the wedding more like clammy winette you know you guys can't see but sean's smoking a cigarette wearing a leather jacket come on she became self-aware in terminator 2 more like tammy skynet you know what i'm talking about from what i hear about it jesus christ hell yeah this is exactly what people think

it sounds like when comedians hang out like if you you had to ask a normal person, they'd be like, oh, riffing on a name out of nothing. Yeah. It's the easiest form of a comedic hangout. I'll give you that. But yeah, a lot of it's drugs. Doesn't mean it's not good. Low hanging fruit is delicious. It's fruit.

Yum. Yeah. Still fruit, man. That was a good noise. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, Ian, do your blow dart thing. You want that was a good noise thank you yeah oh ian do your blow dart thing you want to hear a good noise wait do it again no it's too far off the mic oh it's not working you gotta get up on there you go no it's jesus man this is not working

i wish we hadn't started watching someone try so hard and get so little it looks so bad feels like I'm at an open mic

this is horrible this is not it you're blowing it out sounds like sounds like a bad part Marissa he's seriously

tried it about 15 times Marissa can you do I think like I think like Zoom's audio cancellation is like not picking it up it might pick up in the recording but we can't hear okay it's it's can you can you do the

billy goat thing you have like a water around or something do the play oh man this is a bum this is like the most stressful SNL audition I've ever seen. No, I swear to God. No, I got it. I got a blow dart. Please, let me do it. All right, man. Blow dart's not working.

Let's see your billy goat. Oh, you can't do that either? All right. Okay. Hold on. Matt. Matt. No, I can't. It's not happening.

I've been laughing too much. Oh, man. So bad't It's not happening I've been laughing too much So bad So bad It's You're not gonna be We're sorry Mr. Carmel You're not gonna be a member Of SNL this year

Come on Come on wait Matt I want you to melt down This is a go to us Performance anxiety You're not gonna get this spot Mr. Carmel.

What the fuck did Pete Davidson do in here? In here. Go beat someone up. I'll do weekend updates. I'll do your shitty little fucking way. I'll do a bit. That's tight. I'll do a fucking bit.

Hey, everybody. This is my impression of Ian Carmel on All Fantasy Everything, allegedly doing a blow dart. Thank you so much. Thank you guys. I used to fucking headline over James Austin Johnson, okay? If we were on a show together, if we were on a show together,

I'd go up last. Okay? Not every time. And now he's the anchor of that show. Yeah. Shout out to James Austin Johnson, my roommate for three years. Humble brag. So fucking funny.

Yeah, he's killing it. He's absolutely murdering that show. It's awesome. Anyway. You know who else murders shows shows hit comedian some more now uh stand by your man what about stand up my man and you go run tell that martin lawrence Martin Lawrence. Oh, shit. Her voice is so beautiful and so piercing in this song.

Like, so clear and just fucking powerful. It's gorgeous. Was it a good dude that she was trying to stand by? No. a bad guy i think he's a bad guy yeah do they say that in the song i thought it was like a really short song and stand by not a lot of good stuff to say about him i don't think she says is that like even if he's no he says you'll have bad times and he'll have good times don't doing things that you don't understand but if you love him you'll forgive him even though

he's hard to understand and if you love him oh be proud of him because after all he's just a man she's like RZA rhyming the same words that's what women love when you say I'm just a man they love that my favorite reference to this song ever is Hillary Clinton saying, this is not some Tammy Wynette, stand by your man.

That's exactly 100% what was going on. That's exactly what it was. They couldn't have been more two hillbilly motherfuckers. You know, Hillary, he got a knobber in his office at work, and here you are standing by him. You're standing. That's what's happening. You might be sitting right now, but it's been a lot of standing.

Good for them. Good for them. I've really come around on the ones. Standing up. Steve Martin. Martin Lawrence. Lawrence Olivier. Steve Martin Lawrence. That's going to be a Halloween costume this year, man.

Tread lightly, man. Careful. I think you could really fuck that up. He's just got an arrow over his head and black face. No. I'm shitting. I'm shitting for it. Damn, Gino.

He's really confused. He's really confused. I can't get it. What's up? What's up? An arrow through your head in blackface is oh man oh boy oh i'm punch drunk oh i kind of feel like by your man huh as i had a punch like when we used it when we do a couple in head gum like in the studio

and just be laughing we're like is there air is there air in here is it just carbon dioxide now it's also one of these it's one of those episodes where i'm like i'm always surprised when people listen to this back and get it i'm like there's no way nobody's gonna think steve martin lawrence is actually funny right oh boy oh lord okay time for my next pick not me my fourth pick i'm going to take uh Oh, boy. Oh, Lord. Okay, time for my next pick. No, it's me. My fourth pick. I'm going to take...

There's so many songs that I could take from this guy. He's one of my favorite musicians. I'm going to take the song Angel from Montgomery by John Prine. Make me an angel that flies from Montgomery. Make me a poster of an old rodeo. Just give me one thing that I can hold on to. To believe in this living is just a hard way to go Which is a song from the perspective of a woman.

So, fucking already, points powerful. Just like a very brave person. Powerful good. Powerful good. And a lot of that is rubbing off on me. Checking the boxes. A lot of people are saying, wow, Ian is really brave and powerful. I heard that a lot of that is rubbing off on me a lot of people are thinking the boxes are saying wow ian is really brave and powerful i've heard that that is wonderful yeah don't all wear capes you know that kind of thing yeah he's it's just a fucking it's just a beautiful song

uh and very like the lyrics are so evocative and, and just well-written like, and I fucking love John Prine, dude. I just love John Prine. And just like how it talks about like the hope, this song talks about like the hopelessness of being someone in like a terrible, like a, just a terrible kind of go nowhere relationship where you're like stuck

somewhere that the line, how the hell can a person go to work in the morning then come home in the evening and have nothing to say just like really capture you know what i mean like it captures when like you're in a shitty relationship where you're like you were just gone all day now you're home and you have nothing to you have nothing to say to me i mean nothing i'm hungry yeah me the one who goes in that bedroom every night and sucks poop out of your ass you don't have shit to say to me i didn't have anything to say to you before you did that that isn't helping i'm really worried i realized they didn't even hear the poop asshole bit in the beginning so i've just been saying that

if they're a patreon member i'm sure they saw the clip. So, yeah. I just fucking love this song. Bonnie Raitt does a version of it that is also fantastic. Fucking shout out to Bonnie Raitt. But John Prine, may you rest in peace.

One of the great songwriters of all time. And this is one of his best. Sean Jordan, time for your fourth pick. I'm going to go to the realm of cinema for my fourth pick. He's going to the 36 Chambers of cinema for my fourth pick this is going

to the 36 chambers the wu-tang clan it's a song originally done by the stanley brothers which i did not know i am picking the soggy bottoms soggy bottom boys version of man of constant sorrow sung by dan taminsky i love i love the song The song. I am the man of constant sorrow. I've seen trouble all my day. I bid farewell to old Kentucky. The place where I was born and raised. Beautiful. beautiful from the shit my pants gang yeah talk about it boys you two are just dumb in a sack of hammers aren't you it's just a good song there's a lot of beautiful songs that have been chosen today and i think this might this might be one of the prettiest. This is very pretty. This is also... Really?

Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou might be the most first decade of the 2000s movie ever. Right? If you had to pick a movie that just really captured that first decade, it might be Oh, Brother, Where Art Thou. Oh, like the O's? Yeah. Or You Got Served. Yeah. You Got Served really did.

Oddly enough. You know who, love got served surprisingly enough steve steve hart caleb do you even remember you got served i don't know what you guys served was what's the dance dance movie with omarion is the dance the dance fight movie with omarion god fucking damn hold on i'm so big i smell i smelled omarion once and he smells so good oh brother where art thou dan taminsky has such an amazing voice and i didn't when i i think and this may mark me as a fool but i think i thought that george clooney was actually singing that song when i saw that movie i think really i think i always think that in movies at least when i was singing and almost famous i thought he sang fever dog i didn't know every reason to think that and all

these yeah i thought he did but uh then i found out it was dan tuminski and then i found out dan tuminski was like an actual recording artist who's with i won't say the other folks name in case she gets brought up but um they they're you know they've been together for years as far as like performance goes but he's amazing he had uh he has a bunch of good songs and his voice in case she gets brought up but um they they're you know they've been together for years as far as like performance goes but he's amazing he had uh he has a bunch of good songs and his voice is just i don't know it's killer it's like raspy but it still has range i don't know anything about singing but to me that's how i would describe it it's very fun yeah so uh man of constant sorrow soggy bottom boys then time men's game david time for your fourth pick uh i'm going back to gb

similar to my last name. Yeah, where are we going? I'm picking Garth Brooks. I like those big songs that are almost like rock songs or something else. I'm taking Rodeo. It ain't no woman, flesh and blood. It's that damn old Rodeo. Oh, well, it's balls and blood.

It's a dust and mud. It's a roar crack a cold one. the pain and they call the thing roadie go yeah that's the song you know what i mean throw on my vertically striped shirt crack an old one you think anyone's ever been like thinking about throwing a punch and then that song came on and they're like i'm gonna throw the punch i think that song i think that song is made people do a lot of crazy shit you know i'm gonna throw that punch i'm gonna do it should we all should we all go country for the summer yeah yes yeah i got tight jeans i got vertically striped shirts and like jeans should we all we should go get that i'll get that carl can i have vertical striped shirt that i want i'll just

tuck it in that's how you go country he did it he did it he cut his other nipple off he's gone country he's gone country look at him boots man it makes a difference i rock the fuck out of a cowboy hat let me tell you guys yeah you're doing good listeners you don't know i got a big cowboy hat and i look hot as hell oh they they know they can hear it in your voice where when how often do you wear that i wear this anytime i get the chance i'll be wearing it to the chicks concert at the greek when they come to la yeah um i bought this for uh we did a cowboy themed uh theme for my monthly uh show and and i wear it just about every chance I get.

I love it. It's powerful. I feel like a cowboy, frankly. It's got the good curve in it too. Oh yeah. I don't like it when it curves. It tacos too much and it looks like it's a Corona brand hat. That's the worst kind of cowboy hat.

That's the worst kind of cowboy hat. I got this at the El Centro Mart in Boyle Heights. There you go. They do good deals on hats over there. I like that. You got to go. I like that. Shout out to the El Centro.

Shout out? You go get like a Stetson, like a... I think they're really expensive. I think if I go country, it's got to be no hat. I think I'm like a real slick, hard part, no hat country. Oh, like cowboy at a wedding. Yeah, probably. You're going wedding cowboy.

No worries. Okay. You can still be in the gang. Yeah. You're cool. You do need some accessories, though. What are you going to build? Big belt?

Big belt buckle? Probably. Big belt buckle. I think, I don't know, pretty tight starched shirt. Bold move, maybe. Yeah. Like bold flannel or a big western maybe a couple buttons a couple buttons undone oh um probably beard probably about like this i'd say i'm going i'm going not even john deere i'm going new hall and i chew oh there you go i have chew unfortunately that's something i do i'm a chew guy they have beef jerky chew you could do uh long cut or is it like fake um well i'm probably

trying to quit so i'm probably doing the little snus packets honestly because i'm i'm like i'm environmentally conscious i'm gonna have words to say to you about that brother about my snus that shit is european as hell is it snus or snus i don't know ask the norwegians well whenever you whenever you come at me about it i'll be like why don't you mind your goddamn bis snus and then i'll spit it at you i'm i'm gonna i'm gonna start talking real deep we're back to this i'm gonna start talking like this. I'm a cowboy. Hey, I'm Sean. I'm a cowboy.

Guys, I don't think Sean can come. The doctor took care of that about three days ago. Sean can't ride out with us. Caleb, time for your fourth and then your final picks. So I do a fourth and then I do a fifth? Yeah. Lightning round fifth. Yeah, we'll go quick on the fifth. Okay, so for my fourth, which will not be quick. Oh, man, i have so many good ones left let's take about 30 45 minutes on this one

i'm gonna end it off with what i believe to be one of the most powerful country songs ever written or recorded uh it's saying at community college nurses graduations all over the country um this is i hope you dance by miss lianne womack oh yeah yeah of course now that's a record yeah that. That, I'll tell you, every five, six times a day working at Hy-Vee, that was on. That was like big for Muzak.

To sit it out or dance. I hope you did. And then it comes in, you're like, ah! Oh my God, the way I shake my ass. You're a good singer, aren't you? Don't get me started,

but yes, I am. Yeah, you are. I can tell. You got that little flutter when you do it. I want that so bad. We should do a karaoke night. Easy. Let's do it.

What's stopping you guys from asking me out? That's the real question. COVID-19. That's true. That's been over for months. According to David, it never started. Once again, the only one on this thing who never got it is me. All right.

What a coinkydink, huh? Listen, you and the rest of your South Dakotans didn't wear masks, and you're trying to put it on me, and I don't appreciate it. Denver had the lowest rate. Really? Of what? COVID. COVID. We never got nuts. Denver had the lowest rate. Really? Of what? COVID. Colorado?

COVID. We never got nuts. Denver of Colorado? Denver of Colorado. Denver of what state? What Denver? What Denver? Prove it, bitch.

I hope you dance. I hope you dance, man. And also, yeah, it's true. Enjoy it. Don't be embarrassed do things live life hey come on I know we've been cheeky but seriously do it if you're thinking about something do it if you want to try stand up do it

whatever if you're thinking about sending that email go do it these guys are joking around I'm dead serious if you're thinking about something if you want to do something just try I don't know there's no reason to not it's a short life so go do it it's beautiful sean i try once again i don't i don't want you i don't want you to do stand up oh i want you to stand up i want you to blow up on tiktok and then start doing stadiums

do it yeah that's what i keep pissing these guys off i love it i love it god you're the joker i i think it's hilarious every time someone gets big on the internet and then uh starts doing stand-up shows they've never touched a stage i think it's hilarious i love it it's funny i love it i feel it also makes me feel bad because it's like now you got 40 dates and you don't even know how to do it like if i had to have 40 dates where I just went and like played the cello on stage. I'd watch a hell of that. That would be terrifying.

I would be able to make it. I'd make that thing clap. The cello? Yeah, dude. I'd make the cello clap. Something's clapping. You wouldn't make the cello clap. Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I'm kidding you. You'd make it clap. I'll help you. You'd make a clap. I hope you clap. I hope you clap. I hope you clap. Goes at it. Okay. I love it.

Y'all want a lightning round from me? Before your final pick, you know what? We're actually going to have to take a short break. This episode of all fantasy. Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done.

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I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code allfantasy at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code allf and we're back welcome back to all fantasy everything already in progress uh we're about to get to the lightning round caleb is going to make his final pick fresh on the heels of i hope you dance by leanne rhymes underrated joke when he said it was played at nurse graduations everywhere all right i have a lot of different options here i'm just going to throw out quickly

a feel-good song you want to put this on on a nice day with the windows down this is mr travis tritt horrible politics we don't like him but the song is it's a great day to be alive yeah sure great song and it's a great day to be alive i know the sun's still shining when i close Travis Tritt looks like a country singer. He's one of the where you're like, you didn't have a ton of things you were going to do with that look. Yep. It's a great day to be alive. You know, you got to hand it to the guy.

This is a fucking awesome song. Oh, yeah. He's so funny. He's so funny looking to me his hair looks so soft it's crazy dude it looks fake his hair doesn't look like it's on him i would love to feel his hair just tickling against my nose it looks so soft he has a very the airbrush his face a lot too so he looks just real smooth and soft yeah he just looks like a soft smooth just a just a look at him he's wearing an onk in this picture wow he's wearing an onk yeah an onk what what i'm not gonna explain i don't know what it is i don't thank you thank you very erica badu vibes yeah yeah completely buddhism travis trittrykah Badu have a Venn in their diagram that you're telling me about?

I don't know if that's what that... I don't know. I feel like... I don't think that that's... Is this another... Is Ian really on to something? Am I crazy? Well, having a Venn in their diagram, I'm confused.

It's a great day to be alive about, Caleb. It's about a great day to be alive. Sun still shining when I close my eyes. You know, he might grow him a Fu Manchu. He's just taking life as it comes. It's kind of like you might say today was a good day. Oh, my God. Ian. so it's kind of like you might say today was a good day uh-huh oh my god ian is on to something marissa cut his mic you know what similar views to ice cube was paul mooney

yeah ice cube wrote friday he can't i don't know what paul mooney believed but ice cube is it's it's not complicated david time for your final pick oh i'm i love you know what i love i love corona vacation music baby oh i love uh i love uh i love a kenny chesney You know what I'm saying? And I love, actually, I changed it mid-pick. Still Kenny Chedsey, but I'm taking Keg in the Closet. Thank you for it. Back in 89

we had a keg in the closet pizza on the floor left over from the night before. Where we were going we didn't really care We had all we ever wanted In that keg in the closet Kenny Chesney's a jock and it's fun

because he knows what's going on. He knows what he is. He knows what to sing about. I just like Kenny Chesney. Yeah, he seems fun. He seems like an alright dude. Little way too tan guy. Yeah, looks like leather

yeah he's hanging out with uncle cracker why not everyone calls him chez he's the he's this his skin is the same complexion as his hat yeah for some reason i trust that i always thought uncle cracker was a good singer i still like some songs he did yeah i never i never follow me i felt like i had to not like him for a ton of reasons but I if I'm being honest yeah follow me I think it's a good song I like it I was brave he's a good singer I think brave well you don't look ashamed and baby I'm not scared see it's a good song yeah well Sean heard I hope you dance and he's dancing yeah man here I am I'm out here letting you know uh fuck yeah Kenny Chesney dude down there in the florida keys having a good time not wearing shoes probably he feels like someone who would be

you know like a little too welcoming at a party where you're a little bit like oh like that's his buzz thing yeah it's like making new people feel welcome i know what you mean you don't know when people are like where it's like you check in on me half as much yeah like where are you from yeah oh ian from beaverton yeah hey there's beaverton every time he walks by hey beaverton he comes into a conversation that with somebody that you're having and he's like what does this guy know he's a stand-up i'm just kidding yeah yeah exactly. Just kidding, bud. Just kidding, bud. Didn't say a joke at all. Just kidding, bud. Just kidding, bud.

Kegs in the closet. Pizza's on the floor. Help yourself. Come on. Yeah, keg in the closet. Love it. Sean Jordan, your final pick? Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, Fishing in the Dark.

Ooh. I love it. Yes, sir. You and me going fishing in the dark i love it yes sir Just a dope song. Just carefree. Real easy to sing along to. Real good karaoke jam. And I feel like kind of a sneaker.

Because it's not like... Maybe it wasn't the most popular song but i love it i've always loved it it's a sneaky little guy yeah i used to play at the skating rink when i was a kid loved it all the time uh excellent perfect time for my final pick i'm going to take a song i don't know that if any of you guys know i hope you do but it's called that certain female by char Feathers. Oh, I don't know it. Don't Charlie Feathers. I do not know it, but it reminds me of a great Robin Harris bit.

Yes, yes. Similar thing. They make these kids. Yeah. Can't keep high and low. Don't want to miss the spot. Keep me on the go. I'm waiting. Watching that woman scatters you. I need just a little bitty woman.

But you'll never know. Oh, man. Anyway. That might be my favorite bit we've ever had on this podcast. Yes! Between this and me saying I was married to Marissa, my ironclad grip on everything is loosening. It's loosening. My power is crumbling.

Oh, man. This song, the best way I can, it's like like a it's a weird again it's like a it's a fucking like oh he's from portland that song but it's like a weird rockabilly psycho fucking it's the song sounds like somebody's been drinking grain alcohol directly out of a tin can i'm in kind of ass song but it's it's just really really good i really love it that's a female by charlie feathers certain females charlie feathers and female charlie feathers uh well fucking there it is that's all the pics caleb you started

discombobulated caleb you started you took friends in low places by garth brooks wide open spaces by the chicks i want to talk about me by toby keith i hope you dance by leanne rhymes and it's a great day to be alive by travis tritt leanne womack and womack wait who's the leanne oh i hope you dance by leanne womack my bad my bad second cousin of bobby womack whose favorite performer was obviously red box across 110th street trying to tell a woman that's weak not the second cousin of buster rhymes uh leanne rhymes it's a great day to be alive by travis tritt david you went next you took jolene by dolly parton fancy by reba mcintIntyre. Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys by William Whalen. Rodeo by Garth Brooks and Keg in the Closet by Kenny Chesney.

Sean, you went third. You took Thunder Rolls by Garth Brooks. Don't Take the Girl by Tim McGraw. Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood. Man of Constant Sorrow by Dan Tominski. And Fishing in the Dark by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. I went last. I took Sunday Morning Coming Down by Johnny Cash,

Chattahoochee by Alan Jackson, Stand By Your Man by Tammy Wynette, Angel from Montgomery by John Prine, and That Certain Female by Charlie Feathers. Yeah. Marissa, did you have a pick? Yeah, this is really the only other country song I know that wasn't picked.

I'm picking Old Town Road by Lil Nas X. Oh, yeah. Oh, there you go. Yeah, I'm gonna take my horse through the old town road. I'm gonna ride till I can't no more. I'm gonna take my horse through the old town road. I'm gonna ride till I can't no more.

I got the horse. A lot of stuff left on the board. Lots. When a kid gets six years old, I believe you have the right to kick him in the chest or the throat, Bernie Mac. It's never not going to hit for me. It's always going to work. It's too good. It's always going to work.

It's too good. But also some good stuff, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would have loved to squeeze in the difference between black women and white women by monique but i just didn't get there i didn't get there it's not a top five it's not a top five it's not a top five uh yeah there's so much there's i mean it's a whole genre there's so much on crazy by patsy klein brooks and dunn pam tillis uh george jones never came up i mean brandon lambert, Chris Stapleton, Shania Twain.

There's so many good. On the Road Again by Willie Nelson. Can I tell you guys when you picked Selfish Anthem, can I tell you guys the funny song I was going to give you? Yes, please. I was going to give you an absolute anthem by Mr. Brad Paisley about loving fishing so much that you'll let your girlfriend leave you. I'm going to miss her by Brad Paisley.

That's a great problem. His girlfriend says, if you go girlfriend leave you I'm gonna miss her by Brad Paisley yeah that's a great problem his girlfriend says if you go fishing today I'm leaving and he says I'll be out on the lake and then she leaves I'll miss ya also a song about boundaries don't let it hit ya where the good lord splits ya

Turtles All The Way Down by Sturgill Simpson if you want to go for one of those new sort of alt-country songs, it's great. Yeah, I had Honky Tonk Padonkadonk in there. That's a good one, too. I've talked about it a lot on this podcast. Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy. Sawyer Brown, dude. Oh, The Gambler, Kenny Rogers.

Hank Williams, Jr. Country Boy Can Survive. Three Wooden Crosses. Randy Travis. Best Storytelling Song in Country, I think. Cowboy Take Me away by the chicks another dank one highwayman by the highwayman. Oh, yeah. God you want to talk about some

grizzled country dudes those guys what do you mean a pill? They just fought over it collected work of Roger Miller. So a little guy so a little guy we want to hit us up at all fantasy pod on Twitter all fantasycast at gmail.com

shout out to everyone on the all fantasy everything patreon thank you for holding us down shout out to everyone on the AFE sheslackity the AFE subreddit shout out to super producer Marissa we love you uh god I mean who any other

shout outs Sean Jordan sometimes you have some I don't know God, I mean, any other shoutouts? Sean Jordan, sometimes you have some. I don't know. Shoutout to Bernie Mac. Shoutout to Adele Given. Shoutout to D.L. Hewley. Joe Torrey.

Mike Epps. Bill Bellamy. Ricky Harris. Shoutout to Don. Lavelle Crawford. Shoutout to Tony T. Roberts. Shoutout to Earthquake. Shoutout to Bruce.

Shoutout to Bruce. Shoutout to Bruce Bruce. to Bruce Shout out to Bruce Bruce Bruce Bruce is sick dude Shout out to Corey Holcomb Corey Holcomb's sick too And more important than all of that Tune in again next week to another Brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything Shakak

Shit I fucked it up I said Shakak No shit What's going on Marissa cut Cut the tape I fucked it up. I fucked it up. I said shaklackity. No. Shit. What's going on? Marissa, cut. Cut the tape. Cut the tape. that was a hate gun podcast