All Fantasy Everything - Crimes We'd Like to Commit (w/ Katie Nolan, David Gborie & Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: October 22, 2020

Breaking the law, breaking the law! Put on your stocking cap and your little mask that only covers a small area around your eyes - Katetober continues with the gang drafting “Crimes We’d Like to Commit.”Episode Guest:Katie Nolan @katienolan IG: @natiekolan Podcast: Sports? with Katie NolanSponsors:Feals: Become a member and get 50% off your first order with free shipping at feals.com/allfantasy.Hawthorne: Go to Hawthorne.co and use promo code ALLFANTASY for 10% off your first purchase.Hims: Go to forhims.com/allfantasy5 for your free visit.Support the Show:Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some merch at teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from popular culture, from comfort foods to your favorite speaking voices and everything in between. This week, we're drafting crimes we'd like to commit with our guest, Katie Nolan,

because we're smack dab in the middle of Kate-tober and we're starting to get antsy and want to go make mischief out there in the streets. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and with me, as always, are David Borey and Sean Jordan. Let's hear that wonderful, wonderful theme music. Welcome to All Fantasy Everything, the podcast whose birth control alarm just went off. Ha ha ha!

I don't know. David! Yeah, you know, I like pills. Any pill. Especially if you like pills, you got to take the pill or else you're a phony. Exactly. I like pills. I don't want a baby.

You can sue me. Could work. It's got to do something. Got to. Why should the girl be the only one to take the pill? Even if it doesn't scientifically work. It's not fair. It's actually reverse sexism.

That's what I've been saying the whole time. That's why I turn my condoms inside out. Wow. Yeah. As soon as I get a little kickflip player, kickflipper, I'm getting snipped. I think we had,

I think I'm too many euphemisms. As soon as I get a little kickflipper, I'm getting snipped. There it is. Okay. All right. Oh, I love it that it's a little kickflipper yeah yeah that's what you're gonna name it right kickflipper jordan i'm gonna name

it ian katie david mars nice ian first though that's what's up yeah hype williams presents ian katie david mars yeah yeah thank you thank you yeah yeah sapp yeah. By Sapphire. Or, oh, yeah, can we name it Sauvage? No, that's my son's name. You know that. I want one son for each signature scent. That's right. So I'll have Acqua Di Gio and I'll have Sauvage. And they will carry on your legacy.

They will carry on my name. Give me an honest answer. How much money for you to name your two children Acqua Di Gio and Sauvage? Ten racks. No, what's a rack? Dollars? A thousand bucks. A thousand dollars.

Oh. That's, no way. 10 grand? Yeah, I mean, you guys are acting like I don't think Acquadigio is kind of a cool name. I'm putting it down right now. I will connect to that. But it's a full name.

It's not a last name. Oh, it can't have Bori? No, I'm saying it has, but it sounds, Acquadigio Bori is, oh, it actually kind of works. Sounds goodio bori is oh it actually kind of works salvage bori does not let me tell you birth control timers across the country just went off i'm naming my kid ira i'm gonna give him mad jewish names i'm taking it i don't know carmel that works that guy yeah and it's almost Ivan. It's almost, yeah, exactly.

Ira and Irving Carmel. I'm going to go over Ivan's head. If I have a kid, I'm going to name it Ivan Senior. And Ivan's going to be upset. Nice. I don't know if he would be. That's very flattering. Ivan Jordan Senior.

That's going to be right. You got like a son? You have somebody that you didn't birth who named their kid after you that's pretty cool man my dad walked into my birthday party speaking of births and within 20 seconds what did he say let me tell you about suzy greenberger what was it no suzy blumenthal oh yeah what who i don't know so so and so i couldn't hear the rest of the story. I was laughing so hard because he seconds in he was just he had a fucking story about some

girl. It was so tight. He was workshopping his monologue. No one had brought up Susie Blumenthal and he just opened with let me tell you about Susie Blumenthal or something like that. Somebody should have brought her up because that bitch has some splaining to do. She does have some splaining to do. Ivan's out there. Ivan's out there. He's prosecuting in public right now.

Holding her feet to the fire. It was somebody. It was. The story was. Like some guy was dating Susie Blumenthal. Something like that. Right? No.

And then they asked their grandfather. The grandfather of the family. This was back in the 70s. So this was a very old Jew. I don't know. But someone better get a Monzel at the end of the story what do you think of my girlfriend suzy i don't it's like i don't like her i don't hate her she's clean what that's what it was now she's getting free advertising on the podcast that's what somebody said about her

i don't like her i don't not like her she's clean that's sick what yeah three hits man yeah dude that's a great way to describe someone other than they're nice they're nice yeah i don't like or dislike them but they just they shower which sean i did this week you're welcome by the way i was watching uh your live podcast which was fun oh no i talked. I had no way to defend myself. You didn't? So just so everybody who listens to ours and maybe listens to sports with Katie Nolan. Sports? When I told you to take a shower, the only reason I would dare do that is because you

said it. You rushed past the start of this. When I told you to take a shower, what I meant was. You said it, though. Earlier, you were like, I haven't taken a shower in three days. And so in jest. Oh, it was more than three days, my love. my love in jest i said you should take a shower since we're on wax right now i was gonna do this anyways but i do want to take it is so kind of you if you're gonna apologize

i'm just gonna get attacked for it so please don't i'm not gonna apologize you should have taken a shower but i'm just it's so kind of you and i'm so excited that you're doing this this is so awesome and a commitment and you're so cool that you're doing this. This is so awesome and a commitment, and you're so cool, and you're so rad and so funny, and it just makes me feel honored and happy that you would take so much time and join us. And the same goes for... Makes me feel attacked. I feel set up, is what I feel like. No, you're not.

No, that was a compliment, Katie. Because now, if I make fun of you, which is just a thing that sometimes happens, an entire subreddit is going to say that i bring out evil in the good vibes gang you've set me up for this now to be fair via text you tried you tried to comment comment is that the word yeah i like it the second way you emphasize yeah you tried to squish it why does it always have a Q in it? This word we're looking for. Throw quash into the wind. Make a quiche. I did.

Throw quash into the wind. Quaff into the wind. That's what someone from Long Island does when they don't know slang. They throw quash into the wind. Long Island. Sean Jordan's juice bar quenched into the wind. I would buy so much juice from you in that headband. They can't see.

They don't see. Sometimes I don't want to take the Lord's name in vain, so I throw gosh into the wind. Sean's wearing a white guy in the audience at an and one mixtape tour. Stop, headband. Yo, you came to get crossed up by hot sauce in that headband. I'm going to brag about getting crossed up by someone. Why are you in the hospital?

Dude, hot sauce broke my ankle for real. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. And then a lot of the dudes that were the ball handlers beat the shit out of me and took my iPhone. It was so sick. Yeah, Escalade took his iPhone. RIP.

RIP Escalade. Yeah, I do. I got a Henley on today. A little free ad for McWeldon. This fucking Henley rules. Isn't it Mack Weldon? I don't think it's like a restaurant. That's wrong, Katie free ad for McWeldon. This buck in Henley rules. Isn't it Mack Weldon? I don't think it's like a restaurant. That's wrong, Katie. It's McWeldon.

It's definitely not McWeldon. It's McWeldon. There's an A in there, but there's also an A and a K, so it's not like McMullen, where there's sometimes an A, but not a K. It's Mack Weldon. You know where there's an A and a K in my closet? I'll tell you that.

Going down, down, baby, yo street in the range, rubber street sweeper. That's what we didn't know in the fair at Sioux Falls, that street sweeper many was shooting everybody. I didn't know that. Yeah, I didn't know what any of that meant. I also learned late in life that I was getting the radio edit of most songs.

Like, Big Pimpin' is a very different song than the song I knew it to be. What did you think it was about, Katie? Well, I knew it was about David, but there's times when you're like, oh, yeah, I know this song, and you sing along, and everyone's like, you have the baby version of it. You thought those were the

words? You're doing the kids bop? And they're completely different. Yeah, I was kids bop Big Pping eating cheese you know what one of my favorites is and my jimmy runs deep so deep so deep put her butt to sleep that's in good day that's the edited version of good that one i don't understand because you could say ass on the radio yeah it's just it doesn't make any sense i I put her butt to sleep. That sounds so gnarly. It does make sense. What was the radio edit of I got blood on my dick because I fucked a corpse?

I don't remember. That song was not allowed on the radio, Katie. What they could possibly put there. They just played it because it's religious. It's okay. Katie just quoted a line from David's yearbook, I think. Isn't that what you said? That was how I signed it.

A lot. In the Elizabeth yearbook? A lot. A lot. It was like that or like, I signed your crack. One of those. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sick.

Now, for God's sake, Sean Jordan is here. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram. Is that a Coors Light? Sean Cougar drinking soda on Instacan. What do you got there? Diet Hanson's. What is that?

It's a Diet Hanson's root beer. That goes with the headband for sure. What's the flavor of a Hanson? This is root beer. Young Christian boy. Young boy. Long haired boy. Long, young, flaxen haired boy. Is that root beer? Young Christian boy. Young boy. Long haired boy. Long, young flaxen haired boy.

Is that root beer? What'd you say? It's a root beer. A root beer. I don't say root beer. I say root beer. I was just trying to get you. Just drinking a diet root beer on a Monday afternoon.

Is that what's going on over there? Diet root beer. Worst of the diet sodas. Yeah. Yeah. It's worse than diet Mountain Dew. Like root beer is delicious. Diet root beer is not for me.

I'm trying to present a united front. Laura can't have, you know, certain things. So it's like trying to, like she's trying to stay off sugar. So I'm trying to stay off too. Oh, that's nice. Sean and I had some outdoor beverages while I was up in Portland over the weekend. Yeah, man, it was so sick. Yeah.

Yeah, we did some chilling. You said you were on a plane and i was like what are you doing on that but i actually didn't ask because you notice i didn't ask you came to see me things you say where there's like a follow-up you were like sorry i was on a plane and i was like i'm not even gonna because i'm jealous you didn't ask you thought i was you thought i was firebombing bolivia didn't you i didn't i don't associate Bolivia with you. And why would I? Why would anyone?

That's crazy. With any of you. It's crazy to do that. It would be like comparing an apple to an orange, which have nothing in common except that they are both fruit. They are both fruit. They are both fruit. And you can find both of them in Bolivia. I heard.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. Someone said it. I'm sure. I'll Google. David's hands are in the air. Now, I'm not a scientist and don't try to talk me off that because I will argue with you. I'm not a scientist, but flying felt pretty safe. There was no one on the plane. I had a regular mask and then like a face shield too. Like a welder. Yeah, like a welder. Did you have your riot gear on i was wearing riot gear i had a parachute perfect foolishly when i'm flying in my mind because i get scared i'm like if they just put a parachute on here for everyone i

wouldn't be scared at all so in my mind i'm like the plane's gonna start going down and we're gonna jump off a 747 is what i'm thinking what the, go, go! What the fuck world am I living in? Just gonna push your way through the wreckage to get free so you can pull the chute. Yeah, so I can jump like straight into the jet of a 747 or something. As you would. You would be perfectly safe.

Astonishing. I get that though because I'm never afraid. I'm only afraid of airplanes when they're over water. When they're over land for some reason, I'm like, I'm not worried about this. Yeah, we'll style this out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You just gotta time it.

I'll just jump out of the plane when the plane is five feet off the ground. And then I only fall five feet. Yeah, just ride it until right before it crashes. And then you're fine. I've jumped five feet before. Yeah, come on. As it lands, you jump in the air, nothing happens.

Nothing happens, you're fine. Whoa, then you just float, then you can fly. Yeah, as soon as it happens, you just jump in the air somebody throw me a basketball you know what i mean alley-oop it's alley-oop time i'll jump when the plane's 10 feet off the air slam dunk i can i was actually just at this and one game in brooklyn so i could get you a basketball play you were at it in ann arbor you were at the professor's homecoming i mean technically it's a stop on the tour, but nobody official was there. So, yeah.

Yeah, they didn't even have Escalade. They had his brother, Tresel. Sean's got nothing going on. David Borey is here. Coolguyjokes77 on Instagram. The G is silent on Twitter. Hey. How are you doing, buddy?

I'm good, man. Me and the Tuscan And Zeke the Freak went to the ocean yesterday Got pounded on by some waves Getting wet No, waves is that dude you freestyled, right? That's a whole other thing My beard is connected

I ate a great pear today It's a Pear what? Deez nuts Damn Pistachios? It's a pair of what? Deez nuts. Damn. Pistachios? Was it pistachios? Because I was eating some pistachios.

Oh, it's a little baby Yoda hand sanitizer. That's cute. Do you think that makes it more effective or less? The Deez nuts comment or the hand sanitizer? Either. Either one. I think it kind of highlights the Deez nuts comment because it's like, if we're handling Deez Nuts, we're going to be clean about it.

We're going to create a sterile environment. That's right. Yeah. You got to clean those nuts. Better wash your ass while you're at it. Deez Nuts. I don't like them. I don't dislike them.

And they're clean. They're clean. Exactly. They're clean. And that's all I could ask for. That's literally the best description of testicles. It's what you hope for. It's the best.

You don't want to look at someone's balls and go, yes, these are awesome. That would be so weird. Nice balls. That would be weird. So weird if a girl were enthusiastic about your balls. Dick's okay, but I love those balls. It's not a girls for guys compliment. That's something guys say to each other. Yeah.

Okay. We do. We're at the back. It's like, dude, like dude great great balls dude what makes a great sack what makes a great purse you know what i mean you just know it's got to be taught smooth finish and flashy design expensive uh yeah yeah lots of lots of compartments it's out at the gucci store you know that's right in the front window of the gucci store that nice satisfying satisfying like snap noise when you close it like that's a good part yeah In the front window of the Gucci store. Isn't that satisfying?

Satisfying like snap noise when you close it. Like that's a good part. Hell yeah. Yeah. You can open your balls? Yeah. Sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sick.

That's how I get Molly into concerts. They call it balling. No. No. Huh? Nope. Or testicle molly.

Testicle molly is much better. Is it better? Testicle molly rolls right off the, I'm not going to say tongue this close to balls, but if I were to, that's where I'd say it. You could also call it ecstasies. Ecstasies.

Ecstasies is good. It's smart. I think that's a good joke that's just and when and you know when you want to find out if somebody has any you go over and you're like are you are your balls are rolling are you rolling yeah rolling balls bro do you have any excess ex-testices X-Test-i-cy. X-Test-i-cy. X-Test-i-cy. X-X-X. Test-i-cy. It's hard to say. Triple X-X. Triple X-Tentacion. Yes. No, that's, we're gone again. When you say it out loud, do you say triple X or do you say X-X-X?

I think you're supposed to say X-X-X. But I don't. Where does the C come? Tentacion? Florida, Katie? I don't know. Tentacion. Where does the C come? Tentacion? Florida, Katie. I don't know. Tentacion. X, X, X.

Tentacion. Nice. Tentacion. What is it supposed to sound like? Mollyballs? Tentacion. God damn it. David, do you have anything going on?

Do you have anything you want to direct people towards? No. The Adult Swim Festival. Moderating the Eric Andre panel. That's pretty's pretty much it you know i'm out here swinging you'll see some stuff when you see some stuff you know how it goes absolutely katie nolan is here katie nolan on twitter nady colon for god's sake on instagram for god's sake for the love of pete host of the sports podcast nice sean and i tuned into your live stream i don't know about david i don't know For God's sake. For the love of Pete, host of the sports podcast. Nice. Sean and I tuned into your live stream.

I don't know about David. I don't know what happened with him. I don't know what happened with David. I wouldn't know. The vibe. You can't have your nemesis watching and supporting your live stream. That's a good point. It would be like, what kind of an adversary are you?

Wait, are we nemesis again? Nemesis-es? I thought so. I thought it was just like an always thing. You said you had complicated feelings about Kate Tober. I assume that's what that meant. It reinvigorated my beef. Oh, that was just show business.

I love you. Okay. Reinvigorated my beef is a very funny string of words. Thank you. Yeah. That's why you have an Emmy. I almost missed it. Oh, my God.

That's right up my alley. That's why they said this is for something you'll say under many influences at 7 19 p.m on a monday years from now take this emmy hold this reinvigorated by beef beef bellington beef bellington oh that was off that was off mic i want to tell people that uh yeah this is a fun fact not a lot of people know this the british dish beef wellington was named the man who invented it his name stop don't say it his name was weef bellington and they just flipped it i just found that out today all right this is my bruv weef his name was weef bellington so you know how the earl of sandwich invented the sandwich so you there was something

you could eat while you were playing cards yeah he said i'm gonna do that too and he invented the beef wellington yeah and not to ride your wave but also, did you know the famous comedian's birth name? Yeah. Actually, Bell Billamy. Yeah. It's Bell Billamy. Wow. Weef Bellington.

Yeah. No, that silences me going, I'm not doing it. Do it. I'm not sharing. You want to do it. I'm not sharing. Come on. Do it.

You want to do it. Weef Bellington. Also, did you guys know that LeVar Ball, the famous basketball dad, is actually named LeVar Voll. But he wanted his kids to be basketball stars, so he changed it legally. It's a big cover up. That's amazing. Don't tell anyone.

That's a crazy fact. We're all supposed to be a part of it. Yeah. We're all complicit. Well, you're in the sports media. This is big breaking news. I've aided and abetted this situation. LeVar Voll, you say? Yeah. His birth name was LeVar. We're all complicit. Well, you're in the sports media. This is big breaking news. He was- I've aided and abetted this situation. LeBar Vol, you say?

Yeah. His birth name was LeBar Vol? That's why the China thing was so complicated because the documents didn't match up because their last name's actually Vol. And his first name, let's not gloss over that, is LeBar. LeBar.

LeBar and Leaf hanging out, dude. So he wanted his kids to play basketball and he thought the straightest path to that destination was by changing his name from LeBarVol to LeVarBall. It does make sense once you think about it. Yeah, when I hear it out loud, it's like, yeah, he's a businessman. I still think this is a great idea, Katie. I think it's a funny bit.

I think that bit has legs. Well, because Big Voller Brand just wasn't going to work. You know what I'm saying? Whereas Big Voller Brand, people were bit. I think that bit has legs. Yeah, well, because Big Voller brand just wasn't going to work. You know what I'm saying? Whereas Big Voller brand, people were like, I like that. It also didn't work, but people liked it. Yo, they stiffed me on a long sleeve. Shocking. Yeah.

Straight up. Shocked. No dough, no cash back, no long sleeve. He had two. That seems to be. Sorry. I was going to say that's LeBar for the course, but go ahead. Ah, yes. It's LeBar for the course but go ahead it's lavar for the course no don't encourage he had two options the way i see it either he

changed his name to lavar ball right uh or he invented a sport called lavar skid ball and that's that's he tried he tried lavar tried. Le Barsketball. Yeah. Oh, no. Le Barsketball. Barsketball. Oh, that's tight. That's like the time I told Kevin Durant to his face that when he got into the underwear game, because he has that underwear he sells, and he should have called them Kevunderpants.

And nobody thought it was funny. He should have. He just did not get it. No, because you have to say it like Kevin Derpants. Kevin Derpants. And he was like, I don't. Okay. It took me a minute.

Oh, yeah, me too. Kevin Derpants. I didn't know what you were doing at all. Kevin Derpants. Kevin Derpants. Kevin Derpants. Yeah, exactly. But you emphasize the on.

I liked it just on the Kevon Underpants before I even realized how beautiful and complete it was. Like a- Kevonderpants. I've just been walking by this cave system. I didn't go inside and see all the stalactites and the stalagmites. That's right. Look at all of my, check out all my treasures.

I've got gadgets and gizmos aplenty. I've got whozits and whatzits galore. Let's move on. Do you want to ask me if I'm doing anything as though I'm supposed to say that? I don't care. I'm not. Are you going to ask me if I'm doing anything as I'm supposed to say that? I don't care. I'm not. Are you going to do

any more live streams? It was really fun. It was so much fun, in fact, that I was like, could we do this every week? Yeah. Come to find out

it's a lot of work in the back end that I didn't know about. That's what she said. Just like the LeBar Vol thing, we got to keep this under wraps, but we are working on trying to do them with some frequency. Nice was so fun which is weird because i couldn't see

anybody which i thought would suck and it did a little bit suck but at the same time it felt different to do it for people it just like felt exciting and haven't felt a happiness and excitement like that in a long time so i was like cool this cool. This was neat. There were a lot of people there. And I'm not going to brag, but if you were to look into it, which I don't know if people have access to the numbers, we may have broken a couple ESPN records. Really?

Which ones? You know, the one for, I'm not going to make up a fake one. Standing long jump. That. I was watching Javelin the other day on YouTube because I missed the Olympics so much. Wow. Yeah, it was weird, man.

That is weird, man. Yeah. Yeah. How was it? You know, not like the summertime. No. I also watched Hammer Throw. Sick.

Yeah. What did he throw? You're talking about Armie Hammer throwing stuff, right? About 75 miles an hour. Pretty good for an old guy. A big stick. I'll tell you what,

I've seen the Pumps in a Bump video and that dude wasn't not throwing a big stick. Oh, isn't that the thing he had? That's why he was MC Hammer? It's, yeah. Ian, I'm disappointed you've reached a level

of carpool karaoke that you thought army hammer before you thought mc hammer why are we putting that on carpool karaoke you're right no i thought here i'll i'll walk you through the synapse chain i said it and i thought mc hammer and then i was like well army Hammer has this movie coming out. Let's make this a low-key Rebecca promo. A thing I wouldn't know. I watched the trial of the Chicago 7 last night on Netflix. Great film.

Great flick. I haven't watched it yet. Is it funnier than Borat? No, this is not a funny movie. Is it funnier than Borat? No. That's a valid question. Nothing's funnier than Borat. Does he do's funnier than borat does he do the my life yeah he does it a lot yeah miami wise best movie best tv show rachel wise

no i don't know any other wise. Eli Wise. Eli Wise. Nice. Sure. It's a Holocaust book. For God's sake, I'm Ian Carmel. Ian Carmel on Twitter. Ian Carmel on Instagram. Ian Carmel on Jewish Eatin' Pistachios app. Okay. Pistachios.

What's the function of that app? Is it where you can watch jewish people eat pistachios or is it where you go to meet other jewish people who prefer who like to eat pistachios it's a fubu situation i'm afraid and i can't get into it uh-huh that makes sense can i just for a second i sean me and you were at the same point with it right i imagine yeah okay you said the way you said it i was like this guy's gonna say it and then you said it, I was like, this guy's going to say it. And then you said pistachios. I was, sorry, I'm an idiot. You said the Jewish eating pistachios.

Did you think he was going to say Jews eating pussy? I was like, whoa. That's where you thought he was going to go? His shirt's still on. What are you talking about? That's why I thought it was crazy. That's why I thought it was crazy. I didn't, he didn't do it.

I guess it's that kind of podcast. Wow. Man. David's kind of a pray for peace prepare for war guy, you know Exactly a lot of P words right after we got real nervous about your P words You're causing a lot of P anxiety here, dude, Laura and I were having a conversation I forget about what but I said something was pedestrian and she's like, oh And I was like, I'm not Actually stupid it is a very condescending word. It's a word that makes she's like oh and i was like i'm not actually stupid it is a very condescending

word yeah it's a word that makes you go like oh yeah i don't what was i talking about please don't take offense to this because i am too but you're pedestrian what were you calling pedestrian i'm pedestrian too but you're also pedestrian so we played hide and see here's what it was we played hide and seek through zoom for the family zoom call was that the beginning of this story well i'll tell you i'll tell you i don't understand what you're saying her brother hid under the bed and uh we found him right away and on camera yeah we were doing a zoom thing what are you talking about i'm so confused how do you hide on zoom parents are in montgomery alabama we're in portland okay at one house and her brothers with the family at the other house. What they did was he hid

and then his wife turned the computer around and then us in the other house and then in Montgomery said, go look here. Go look there. He said, look under the bed which was the first place you look. He was there and he was like, I thought I was going to be there for a long time. I didn't think he'd find me. In a conversation later, I said

that was a pedestrian hiding spot. She goes, pedestrian, you say. Oh. Dang. Words you say to make yourself sound smart. That's what I was thinking. First of all, can I say you guys are really utilizing Zoom in a way that the rest of us are not. Yes.

In a way, I'm not sure anybody else should. I don't know, but every time I talk to him, he's doing some wild shit on Zoom. He's always like, oh yeah, I was casting spells or whatever. We had a Zoom seance. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no big deal. You're getting into the right family because playing hide and

seek over Zoom sounds like a fucking nightmare to me. But you like it and I love that. I think it was fun. That's the thing about you, Sean, is like a lot of stuff you say I'm like, that sounds awful to me. And at the same time, the dichotomy of this prison cell is that I'm happy for you. I love that

for you. It sometimes might not come through in my voice. I disagree with your choices, but totally agree with your ability to make them. Yeah. Guys, I will say, though, I feel like if we had some cocktails, we would all like hide and seek Zoom. I don't think I would. I'm being honest. I still don't think I'm going to like it, David.

Really? I think I'd have a good time. I don't think it's for me. I'd check under the bar cart. I don't think I like, well, you've eaten it, so nobody can hide it. It does look tasty. It's in the toilet. I don't think I like hide and seek in general.

No. Whoa. Enough to play it over Zoom. I'm going to be walking around my house trying to figure out where my six foot three, 300 pound house fits. I got to know what the layout of your house is so that I can guess where you might be in your home. Check the mudroom.

He's in the tub again. Check the mudroom. We don't have a mudroom. I hid in the tub. I hid in the bathtub. That's where I hid. You're just making, you're just making, how do you hide in a bathtub? I wasn't really hiding.

I was just laying in the bathtub. Oy, this is so was, so was lay down and seek? Oh, God. Yeah. Oy. All right. Anyway, Ian. Ian, what do you got coming up?

Watch the Late Late Show on the Columbia Broadcasting System. Listen to all fantasy everything. That's about it. That's it, baby. All right. They're doing one out of two already we're doing they're doing one of them right now probably watching the late late show got this plane in the background to get those listens up to get us that mcweldon money yeah everybody like uh so mac famous people

have been asking marissa and i were talking about this if you're wondering why we're doing like quicker shows or a speed round or whatever it's just because we're trying to keep it under a certain time length and so whenever we hit that point we just do a speed round or whatever, it's just because we're trying to keep it under a certain time length. And so whenever we hit that point, we just do a speed round. If you recommend the show to all your friends and write reviews and do all that stuff and we grow the show, then we can probably go longer.

Just a heads up. That's why. So if anyone's coming at her or anything, tell your friends. You're doing it wrong, guys. You're supposed to say if you're wondering why we keep them short and do a speed round it's because there's a conspiracy against us we are we are the victim podcast and in order

for us to thrive you need to we need you need to help us that's what you're supposed to do now big baller brand is kind of keep us down that's right start a beef and then we reinvigorate the beef all right it's on the daily dollop yeah yeah what the fuck is up motherfucker what's the daily i'm looking at you dax shepherd what is that the one

i don't know armchair armchair armchair i'm gonna beat your ass i'm fucking i'm gonna break your arm. I ate a pear right before this. Dax Shepard. More like lax fucking nerd. Nice. Get him dude. Hold him down. Hold him down. Hold him down. More like what the fuck is this stupid podcast?

Put me on it. Yeah. I'll fucking kill. I'll kill you Mark Maron. I'll kill you with a knife. Right? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Mark not Karen. Mark not Karen about your podcast because it sucks. Mark Farron poorly after I make a visit to your house and break both your fucking legs. Hey, you come for, wow, he can't have kids. We shouldn't come for him about that. That's right. He has no eggs left, Mark Barron.

Wait. I think we should, that felt like a low blow. What I'm saying is if you come for the for the court jesters you best not miss. That's right. Everybody says that

about court jesters. Blah, blah. More like Bobby McFerrin. Mark Maron? More like Bobby. Yep. More like Bobby McFerrin. Oh, because he's depressed?

You're saying the shows go too long. Is that what you're saying, Sean? Now we're gathering today not only to fucking That's depressed? You're saying the shows go too long. Is that what you're saying, Sean? Not only to fucking mash on Marc Maron, dude, and just sort of tear his life apart brick by brick. Waiting for him to respond.

Just waiting. Just waiting for him to respond. We actually love Marc Maron. Shout out to you, Marc Maron. Debate me, Marc Maron. Come on my show and debateon. Shout out to you, Mark Maron. Debate me, Mark Maron. Somehow this is... Debate me. Come on my show and debate me. But also to draft,

crimes we'd like to commit. Oh. Murdering Mark Maron, not actually one of them, but crimes we'd like to commit. Now, the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you

and we throw and shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David. David wins. Smart. Yes. of you and we throw and shoot here we go rock paper scissors shoot david wins smart yes thank god thank god i needed david threw paper he beat uh sean and katie's rock david as the winner of rock paper scissors it isn't coming upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do i will remind you it is a serpentine draft. And what does that mean? Great question. It's kind of like if you're trying to grow a garden and you have to go water the plants. What you want to do is you want to start at the top of the garden.

I realized this this summer. You want to stop at the top, say top left of the garden, and you want to water for about eight seconds evenly all the way across from left to right. Just about like each spot gets about eight seconds. And then when you from left to right just about like each spot gets about eight seconds and then when you get on the right you go down a little bit and you kind of hold it there about eight seconds is the magic number and then you just sort of water back across the garden equally eight seconds in each spot until you're all the way back at the left

again and then you know kind of chill there for a while and then go down again you're all the way back to the left again, and then kind of chill there for a while, and then go down. Again, you're going to want to water for about eight seconds when you go down a little bit, and then back over to the right slowly, watering for eight seconds everywhere, and just go back and forth until the whole garden dies. All right. Yeah, we all play Stardew Valley.

We get it. Hell yeah, it's a great game. Basically, what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. David, with that in mind, what would the order of today's draft be? Come on, David. Katie David Shawnee in. Yes!

The beef! It's gone! Oh, it's been aggravated. What are you shaking? You didn't want to get in first pick? I have a very clear first pick for this draft that I wanted. And David served it up to her on a silver platter like it's a beef Wellington. Also, I've got

some sort of a hive happening. That's neat. Let's watch that develop throughout this podcast. She's breaking out into hives. She's so excited. Some sort of a skin contusion. That'll be fun. Well, let me tell you what happened. I wasn't as confident on my first pick upon looking at my list as I thought. It'll be nice

to be able to see how you guys played this. I don't know if I did it wrong. I don't think there's a way to do it wrong. There is a way to do it wrong. Because the scary thing about this is that you might get into little murky waters. Let me just say right now on wax, if any one of you men in comedy says statutory rape, I'm leaving. Did you think that was gonna happen? No.

You never know. You know. What? With you folk. Well, then it was nice having you. It was nice having you on the pod day. There's just other podcasts out there not saying Marc Maron's,

but not not saying it, where somebody might go, I'm gonna say it's statutory, am I right? And then I'm walking to say it's statutory. Am I right? And then I, I'm walking. Is this what's happening on blog? I only listen to our podcast.

I think so. I've heard, I don't listen to them. Shit. We're not that kind of podcast. That was wilder than eat and eat pussy thing. He did. Now,

wait a minute. Did he, did he, did we, did we, the weird thing was you both did it at the same time That's what I thought was crazy too I hated it

Me and Katie hated it What? What? I mean I'll go down on a woman But I'm not doing Not right now We must do a podcast

I'm not doing it on a nap A nap is never involved I'm doing it during a nap During a nap Before a nap Not during a nap I would never do it during a nap before a nap not during a nap well she naps well no because you gotta be awake to give consent

but she does and then she goes that's fine I just wanted to make it clear with all the things that happened this summer in comedy and all the times I had to learn like what an ephephile is a thing I wish I didn't know what is that what are you talking about?

Apparently it's like if you call somebody a pedophile. We don't have to get into any of this. But the internet will let you know if you call somebody a pedophile because they like younger women. Like 16 year old women. Technically the term is ephephile. It's a different thing. Pedophile is for children. And I'm like I didn't need to know the distinction.

Ever. We shouldn't be having a conversation where you have to point out, well, actually he's an ephephile. It could be a feebophile. I haven't looked into it further. I'll call upon my training. If somebody tries that,

our internets are different. I think so too. Mine's like a lot of like pictures from rappers in 94. Oh, it sounds lovely. Yeah. Mine's skate videos and shoes, pretty much. Mine's supposed to be speculative fiction about cereal mascots.

Like, what if Toucan Sam went into Bolivia to extract some stuff? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What if he could tell us what it was like? He could tell us what it was like, because we wouldn't know. We wouldn't have any idea. I've never been. Mine just has men that yell at me. That's my internet.

You want to trade? There's a lot of like, rah! All the time, you know? We can trade passports. Mine is... I worry about what would happen to you if we traded. I would worry about what life you would be driven to lead if you interacted with my internet.

I would definitely clearly learn some words. I would worry for your safety, so I'll hold on to this internet for now. All right. I'll send you some pics of mine. It's pretty chill. Yes. Thank you.

Thanks. Also just don't go on Twitter for more than 45 seconds. 45. That's it. Yeah. Yeah. That's all about all the time you need on Twitter. Okay.

So six seconds on my, on my plants and my crops, six seconds or eight seconds. I already forget the match. Eight seconds. And then 45 seconds on Twitter. Just writing this down. Ways to live a life, you know.

You go on to Twitter. You're like, what if Tony the Tiger tried to assassinate the Pope? And then you get off. You come back and you check the report. What? Pics. Oh, shit. Pics.

My bad. My bad. My bad. Oh, shit. Katie, you have the first pick in the crimes you'd like to commit. All Fantasy Everything draft. And we will get to that pick right after this short break. This episode of all fantasy everything is brought to you by Babbel.

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The only podcast that has ever existed. The only instance of recorded human thought. This is it. If you have witnessed the experience of being alive, it is because of all fantasy everything or possibly sports with katie nolan the only other podcast that has ever existed these are the two katie you have the first pick and we will get to it right now well it was going to be assassinate the pope but now great is that illegal that's my bad i didn't know that was a good question

yeah yeah the jurisdictions are weird but i do think it's illegal. No, I'm going with tax evasion. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Pull Wesley Snipes. Yeah, of course. Yeah. If look, if taxes worked perfectly, I think everybody agrees paying them is your due. But if they're a mess and people aren't paying them, then you're like, I don't want to be

the one that pays them because M is a lot. It's a lot of money they take there out of your paycheck and nobody likes to see that go away. So I would go with, if I could commit a crime, I'd go with tax evasion. It is quite a bit they take out. Oh, you're living in a much more literal world with your picks than mine. David, I thought when you said

pulling a Wesley Snipes, I thought that meant wearing two tank tops at the same time. It's actually dyeing your hair blonde. That's my bad. Wait, did i take it too literally no am i because i had a this is the thing about me that's not the cool thing to say but i will say it anyway as an honest woman uh i weirdly am conditioned to follow rules more than i think people think that i am like what weirdly when you're a woman and you do stuff like like sports. Oh, yeah. Everyone's like, you're so brave.

You go against the grain. And it's like, no, this is just what I like. And so I think people think of me as like a rule breaker. But really, I'm like, no, I don't mind abiding by most laws. So looking into the rules that are the crimes we would commit i was like well but then i'd feel bad for the victim like i don't think i could actually commit murder i'm sorry the m word all right well no i just won't make my first pick then no i want you to make i want you to make your picks based on your what you thought i just thought tax evasion was the obvious one and then things will devolve

into you know fantasy so you're okay you're okay with the victimless crime of depriving important entitlement programs and public works from their sorely needed funding? Yes, I went with the victimless crime of greed. Greed. I want to have all of my money and I want it to be mine. You want to have all of your money. Pay her want it to be mine. You want to have all of your money. Pay her.

Meany. Pay her her money. What? That was Kanish. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. That was Teddy KGB. Pay that guy her money.

Pay him his meany. Pay him his meany. Pay him his meany. Okay. John Malkovich. He talks like a Russian cat. Yeah. In the movie Rounders.

Pay that Mian. He's Miany. Mian, Mian, Mian, Mian, Mian, Mian. Mian, Mian, Mian, Mian, Mian, Mian. He does it all right in Billions on Showtime. Yeah, he really does on Billions on Showtime. On Showtime. Billions available on Showtime.

Me and Sean have been texting about Showtime all week. Yeah, we have. Yeah, we really have. Boomerang is on Showtime. And I was like we really have. Boomerang is on Showtime. And I was like, watch Boomerang. It's on Showtime. And he's like, yeah, I know. Or no, I was like, I've been listening to PM Dawn all day because Boomerang is on Showtime

and they fucking rule. And he goes, damn, I'm going to have to watch it now. And I was like, Halle Berry, dude. Isn't Boomerang on HBO Max? I have to be serious. I just got HBO Max because I didn't understand what it was or how it works. But I have HBO on my TV, which always gave me HBO Go, not HBO Now. And then HBO Go just, I think, became, I'm so confused by why they did any of that.

First it was HBO Go, then it was HBO Now. And what is it, HBO Now? Now it's HBO Max. There's too many HBOs. Just give me HBO. You know what I say to that? HBO. HBO.

Too many HBOs. Should be HBO7. That's how many of them there are. That's you. That's what you fucking sound like, Katie. Me? I'm Jerry Seinfeld. That's what you fucking sound like to us.

Yeah, watch Boomerang. I'll tell you that. Tax evasion. tax evasion tax evasion tax evasion is a great pick i would also love to pay taxes absolutely oh my computer fell oh my god uh it's because when i get for balancing it on a different bougie candle david boy smells david it's time for your first pick. I want to fake my own death. Oh, is that illegal? I don't think so. I bet it's somehow illegal. It can't be legal.

I would stop paying taxes and shit. I'll look into it while you describe your experience with this topic. You want to huck fit it up? I don't have any experience. I want to see if I could pull it off. I just want, not like now, like while we're doing stuff. What would you try? Man, I think that i would like

it would be a long con right so i think i would slowly like now i'd be like hey guys i think i want to kyle canane it sometimes and go camping by myself yeah yeah and i would just like start a yearly camping trip to a different exotic location into the wilderness by myself and then after 15 20 of those i just bail just not come back perfect crime you just disappear in the woods you know what it's called what pseudocide oh i like that i like that so cool i do like that a lot technically not illegal however i have more i have a ball a ball pit's not food, to fake your own death, you would most likely need to break

several laws and most likely it would be fraud. Fraud, we'll count it. We'll count it. Okay. Yeah.

So I'm counting it. Okay, yeah. I want to commit death fraud. Death fraud. Death fraud sounds like a dope movie. It's delicious. Death fraud.

Yeah, I just, my worry is that I'm such a well-known public figure and beloved. And beloved. I thought you were going to say in Bol is that I'm such a well-known public figure. And beloved. And beloved. I thought you were going to say in Bolivia. And I was like, I don't think so.

I don't even know. Nobody in Bolivia knows who he is. I don't even know what you're talking about. Why would we say that? None of us have been to Bolivia recently. Right. Sorry. For God's sake.

I don't have a backpack next to the door. Jesus Christ. I'm not arms training. Come on. Go to Bolivia. That would be insane. What did you, who said tunnel? Who said a tunnel? I'm not arms training to go to Bolivia. That would be insane. Who said tunnel? Who said a tunnel?

I heard someone say there's no tunnel. Nobody dug a tunnel from David's house to Bolivia. Nobody ever did that once. Didn't go into the ocean at all. Pseudocide. Pseudocide. I think if I did it, I would make it look like the sea took me at some point.

It's got to be something big. Because I don't want people to be like, oh, so sad. I just want to be like, hey. And then I don't know where I would go is the problem. How many people would you tell that you were still alive? Nobody. Literally nobody. No, that's how you get caught.

Got to be nobody. But then you're so alone. Yeah. I'm actually thinking about it. I'm like, that doesn't sound get caught. Gotta be nobody. But then you're so alone. Yeah. I'm actually thinking about it. I'm like, that doesn't sound bad. Yeah. Yeah. Pseudocide.

Pseudocide. Do you have to pay taxes? No. Not you. You're dead. That's what I'm saying. You got the perfect crime. You got to kill yourself with an icicle.

That's what I remember learning, this perfect crime. You fulfill all your whatever. You make sure everybody's straight. They got their money. And then leave me the fuck alone, man. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't want to talk to fucking anybody. I'm just in India.

Just minding my own fucking business. No internet? I'd have no internet? No internet. No internet. I'm already close to not. I don't fuck with the computer man okay with the computer man or with the computer either one you rented boomerang and boiler room then is that

what you're leading me to believe you you got physical dvds the only thing i do is use it to watch boomerang and boiler they send dvds to his house yeah you know that sean don't do that to me. Boomerang and boiler room. That's like a fun... Yeah. Maybe I'd come back later. Wait, whoa, whoa. That seems... That's also illegal. You'd come back later. Yeah, you have to come back on it. Yeah, that's fine. Didn't this happen in a country recently? Those are the specifics I remember.

It happened. I think if it helps you narrow it down, I think it was in a country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Earth, for sure, I think if it helps you narrow it down, I think it was in a country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Earth, for sure, I think. 99% it was Earth. And a guy faked his own death, but then he was at a press conference. I hate to be that guy.

I think it was a protectorate where it happened. Oh, yeah, it was. I think it was a protectorate. It was a principality. Yeah. A republic. Unincorporated Arapahoe County. It was a guy.

This was a famous thing three years ago or 10. Time has just collapsed onto itself at this point. But a guy like did this, I want to say it was in an Eastern European country. I'm not saying that

I would be the only guy to do it. You're not the first person to invent tax evasion. No, no. I just was bringing it up as if you guys, if that did spark a memory for you, you'd go, ah, yes.

I remember when that happened to Sergei. I have an interesting, but it didn't work, and so here's what we do. Pseudocide. Good pick, David. Let's move on. A little insight on David Borey. I've been thinking about that for as long as I can remember, I've been thinking about faking my own death. Sean, how would you fake your own death? Would you

kickflip into the Grand Canyon? Yeah, I think so. No, I'd be like, they say you can't drop in on the Hoover Dam, and then I'd drop in on the Hoover Dam. But that probably wouldn't kill me. Then I'd be the guy who dropped in on the Hoover Dam. And then I'd just be famous, and I wouldn't want to kill myself anymore. Hoover Dam? That's a big-ass drop-in.

David, just be careful. I see here a news headline that there was a man who tried to fake his own death, but he was outed by a typo. So just spellcheck before you submit any sort of... I'm not sending any letters, so don't tell any typos. Well, it's the certificate of death I think he forged and he might have spelled

his own name wrong or something. Oh, but my name is a jumble. I've done that before. A typo is actually a racist term for people from New Zealand, I think. Calm down, Sean. I need you to calm the fuck down, man. You told a teepo.

Ah, Russian journalist Arkady Babchenko faked his own murder. Ooh, see, that's- Someone will Google it, and someone will have learned something today. You're welcome. Not me. Won't be me. Not going to catch me slipping. We'll cover that on our podcast, All Babchenko Everything, which comesidays uh starting now got it sean time for your first pick uh i want to rig the lottery

for you yeah yeah yeah like so rig it so i get the winning numbers somebody else he's a very sweet boy i want the money i'll spread that trust me the money will get spread around but i want to rig the lottery with my tax evasion we're're all going to just call ourselves Mother Teresa. I also would spread the money around how I see fit. If I'm winning whatever lottery, it's $60 million or whatever, $600 million. Yeah, I'll probably put a couple cousins through college. You know what I mean?

As a native son of the Beaver State, if you're going to rig the lottery, why don't you take it elsewhere, bud? All right, I'll rent South Dakotas, i'll fucking spend all the money to get that shit bag governor out of office so yeah that'd be great she fucking sucks she's such a fucking dipshit she made shirts that said less covid more hunting well no shit you fucking moron stop saying that stop saying the sturgis bike rally would be great to have this is my platform to talk about how much i cannot stand christy no i'm governor of south dakota can you explain the t-shirt to me again she did a psa and it said uh it was her shooting a pheasant and or something and she shot it and then she goes

you know less covid more hunting some shit like that she shot it on camera yeah pheasant side yeah bird aside right there on a on camera yeah that shit wasn't pseudocide that shit was real yeah dude that's not what the pheasant ever do i want to rig the lottery rig the lottery are you worried about the lottery winner's curse i don't think so because i don't need a lot to for me to be all right but maybe i guess what is it that they just all go broken like a year they just all go broke in like a year? They just blow through it immediately. Getting a bunch of money all at once is like, whoa.

And then it's gone. And then it ruins relationships and stuff and their families. Because also everybody finds out that you got all that dough at once. Yeah. Would you settle for something like, say, rigging the McDonald's Monopoly game? Dude, yeah. Did you watch that? That was good. Yeah, yeah. McMillions. That cop

was hilarious. How deep would you want to... Deeper than Atlantis? Home of the scandalous Big Bad Los Angeles. So deep with that ass to sleep? Put her butt to sleep. Put her butt to sleep. Oh, yeah, this is the radio with my mom. Her butt's getting numb. Her butt's numb.

The Hoover Dang. The Hoover Dang. She's got pins in butts. She's got tingles in her butt to sleep. Oh, yeah, this is the radio with my mom. Her butt's getting numb. Her butt's numb. The Hoover Dang. The Hoover Dang. She's got a tingled butt. She's got pins in butts. She's got tingles in her butt. Gross. That happens. Fix the lottery. Oh, my butt cheeks have fallen asleep in quarantine quite a few times.

I'm like, that's embarrassing. I have to move. I'm going to get bed sores. My ass cheeks sleep with their eyes open. Of course they do. Just one eye open. Just one eye open. Just one eye open. Would you be able to resist putting the winning lottery numbers?

69. No. 69. 69. 187. 420. What's the other one it would be? There'd be a fourth one and you know me well enough.

Insane clown posse. 311? 311. Oh my God. Oh my God. Ian knows me well enough posse 311 311 oh my god i was gonna say he knows me well enough to know they'd be 1-8-7-6-9-4-20 and 311 that's funny because if those were the numbers i would also know you hit the lottery in another pick i have that as part of my pick that i now have to erase from that pick because you just said it. So that was in another pic. That exact, those exact numbers,

that's awesome. Falsifying of social security? I love you so much. You're like my brother and I was thrilled to be invited for family time this week. It really made me feel.

Oh, I love you. I felt amazing. So thank you so much. David, I love you too. I wasn't invited and it did hurt. Yeah, me and Katie aren't nemesis.

No, it just made me feel really good. I that like david and i are family a good like good feeling like that it was nice it was real fun well our family our family hung out too yeah we evaded taxes and shout out to shout out to katie shout out we tried to kill ourselves we killed each other we killed each other our family killed each other that's right but you guys are invited if you wanted to get if you ever want to come to Portland when I'm there. No, don't pity invite. No, no, no. It's okay. It's not a pity invite. I also like Portland, but

you know. It's not a pity. Sean lives there. It's not a pity invite. I don't think we're totally invited. I think we're okay. I think we're going to be just fine. You know what? Honestly, we would have loved to have had you at my birthday party

when we ate lasagna. We would have loved it. We ate lasagna. Pants lasagna? Pants lasagna was there. Whoa, guys, calm down. Calm down. Yo, if pants lasagna got invited.

Nobody else wore any pants. He wore them all. He wore them all. Yeah, we didn't know what to do. We all tried to put lasagna real lasagna on for pants it was nuts sue carmel made the lazog and it was fucking delicious it was so good it was that saint lasagna to break the lottery sean great first pick time for my first pick and uh i am going to go with for my first pick reb Rebroadcasting, retransmitting, or reproducing. Nice.

Or otherwise distributing in any form an NBA broadcast without the express written consent of the NBA. Oh my god, dude. You bad boy. That is perfect. You're gonna get like a I don't know how you do it, get like a satellite VPN and go on the dark web

and you're gonna be like, I'm doing this. I'm starting my own channel. I'm going to do my own commentary. It's going to be all me doing it. It's going to be every NBA game. You're like Byron Allen. I'm like Byron Allen. I'm starting it all over. You're going to accidentally call everybody Carlos Boozer, but no one's going to be there

to correct you? It'd be nice. Carlos Boozer just dunked on Carlos Boozer. That was crazy. That's Beijing, right? That's Beijing for sure, dude. Okay. Yeah, that's the king of Beijing.

He's King Beijing, yeah. What, his head? Yeah. Yeah. Why is it called Beijing? I'm going to do everything pretty like by the book, except I'm going to call him the Utah Jizz, and that's going to be the only difference.

Nice. It does make more sense than the Utah Jazz. It does. There's a lot more jizz than jazz in that state. A lot more jizz present in that state. They have a lot of kids. There's not a single brass instrument in that motherfucker. The woodwind state.

No one's ever taken a sax for a walk in Utah. A lot of fucking custom piccolos in that state. Oh, not Dragon Ball Z. Excuse me. Sorry, guys. them piccolos in that state oh not dragon ball z excuse me sorry guys but yeah dude i'm i'm selling commercials all local commercials so i'm making some money like that you know dude we should make a local commercial i've been thinking that for a while i would love to make a local commercial i think it'd be hard to make one that's so genuinely funny that wasn't trying to be funny right you've got to be so unaware of yourself that people are like, is this for real?

And the answer has to be yes or they're not as funny. Damn, that's the problem. Dude, it would be so funny if you just got a cable access channel and you just hopped on. You're like, everybody, don't say anything. I'm going to rebroadcast an NBA game. Don't tell. I'd tweet it out. I'd be like, nobody retweet this.

Yeah. Tell your friends, but only through ways that can't be traced. Text your friends, I'm going to be rebroadcasting, retransmitting, or reproducing the NBA broadcast. And now which are you going to choose? I'd probably rebroadcast or I'd probably retransmit. Okay.

Or I might actually, honestly, what I'm probably going to end up doing is otherwise distributing. Yeah. Because I'm recording my own end up doing is otherwise distributing. Yeah. Yeah. Because I'm recording my own like vocal tracks on it. I would say you're reproducing because we got to put you on the play by play. You got to be in the booth. So that is a reproduction.

So I think technically you'd be reproducing it. Yeah. I would reproduce. But not in a way that you'd be like, you know, playing the roles of the basketball players. No. You would use their basketball players. It's not like you're going to bang it and have a little NBA game. You're not going to reproduce it.

You know, you're going to... What? What's up, Sean? I tried a bit and it... What was the voice? I don't get it. What was the voice? I missed it.

So we cut a while ago. So we'll pick it up right here. We'll pick it up right here. Yeah. We'll pick it up right here. We cut like an hour ago. Three, two... All right, good pick, Ian.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt good about it. I felt good about the pick, too. Three, two. All right, good pick, Ian. Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt good about it. I felt good about the pick too. So that's my first pick. That's my first pick. Rebroadcasting. Oh, that's a hearty chuckle I need.

My second pick is I'm going to open up a restaurant that serves Japanese puffer fish. Man, I took this too literally. You are right there. You could be nuts. I looked up what the actual names of crimes were. I feel stupid, but I must continue on this path. Go ahead.

Now, Ian, you're going to have to treat me like a six-year-old here. Why is that a crime? Get out of my fucking house, you child. Don't put that in your mouth whose child are you rocks go on the ground so the consumption of japanese puffer fish is very deadly uh and poisonous if not handled right there are a few restaurants in japan where they will remove the spikes but even at those restaurants, people die all the time. You have to trust your

sushi chef. People die all the time? People die enough that it's illegal. I'll Google it. Keep going. They die. A couple people have died. No, I believe I'm just curious. All the time. All the time, a couple people die every year. I would open a restaurant in America

that sells the japanese the forbidden japanese puffer fish so is it like a word of mouth special knock thing like that sandwich place in highland park yeah exactly right i guess i just blew that up there's a secret sandwich place in highland park yeah it's i'll talk about it i'll talk about it i'll talk about it david's gonna air it out yeah i feel like i kind of that was not cool mers isn't gonna like that neither is billy eilish so don't do it. Between 34 and 64 people were hospitalized, and zero to six died per year with an average fatality rate of 6.8%.

Of the 23 incidents reported in Tokyo from 93 through 2006, only one took place in a restaurant. All others involved people catching and eating the fish. That's every day, though. But since 2006, it happens all the time sometimes in restaurants across Japan. Sometimes. In Beaverton.

60% of the time, every time you eat blowfish in Japan in a restaurant, you die. That's right. All the time it happens. Since 2006. So I'm opening this place, like Sean said, in Beaverton. It's going to be a secret special knock sort of situation you come in i'm the puffer fish guy i probably wear a big puffy like south pole jacket oh you'd be like very on

the nose about it very on the nose yeah i love that you make your whole thing like guys on dating apps in the office is that is that i feel like this is my personality now this is it you miss 100 of the shots you don't take is that a thing on the office on the dating apps i mean i'm i'm no longer on them but yeah it's just like a thing that like dudes on apps are like love the office and you're like okay it's a show you can love a different show too got kind of a random sense of humor i've got kind of a random sense of humor. I've got kind of a dark sense of humor. I love The Office.

But I love The Office. So that's like not a, it's fine. It just seems to become a thing that people always would say to signify that they were a certain type of person. We don't have to dwell on it. I'm kind of twisted. I watch The Office. Sometimes I'll even watch Rick and Morty.

You're crazy, dude. Crazy, man. Let's date. I'm going to say it right here. I don't know. I don't even know if I can. I don't like Jim and Pam. No.

Like at all. There's a woman in a later season that I constantly get tweets that say that I look like her. Rashida Jones? Mm-mm, no. She's the woman that somehow breaks up Jim and Pam and might sleep with Jim.

It's suggested. Yeah, that's Rashida Jones. No, no, no, no. It's a small part in a later season. And I don't remember her name. But it happens all the time, just like deaths from puffer fish, which did you know, it proceeds extremely rapidly. Death occurs around four to six hours after you eat it.

That's like right away. Yeah, you gone. That's crazy. So for the next four to six hours after you eat it, you must like right away. Yeah, you gone. Damn. That's crazy. So for the next four to six hours after you eat it, you must be like, we good? Yeah.

You're like, we're good. Okay, cool. Whether or not I die that four to six hours after I eat puffer fish is going to be fucking nuts. Yeah, you're going to, it's like Max Keeble's big day

or whatever. What? You're just going to go up to a bunch of bullies and be like, I'm the bully now. And then you find out you're not actually dying and you're like, I was just kidding about everything I said. I'm not getting bullied.

That's right. Good point. Yeah, you are, you fucking nerd. Yes! Why are your shorts so short, David? I'm wearing the long ones today! What are you wearing? A backpack, David? Hey guys,

cool it. Okay. Just cool it. Yeah. I'll cool it while you're Googling how to wear cologne for the first time. All right, guys, this hurts. All right.

You know what? You don't have to like me. Cause I like me. My wife likes me. Hey, Ian, does knowing that, um,

that puffer fish is called fugu in japanese give you any ideas for what you might name this restaurant fugu to chow nice right there i knew you would thought of it automatic yep automatic we open it right next to fogo to chow and oh boy misunderstandings oh man that confusion cost me my wife. Oh, that's sick. Fugo actually stands for for us, go us. Keep going. Push that shit out.

For us, get an Undertaker. Sean, top of your second pick? I want to get in a high speed chase because I think I could outrun a cop. No. I really think I could a good pick but I disagree with your you think you have I will tread lightly that's not as crazy

you could totally do that I think so I really do on foot? both you could do both I think I would love to get in a chase with a cop. I'm just now considering the ghetto bird. I hadn't considered that when I was thinking about this. That will drastically alter the outcome.

Your Nissan Leaf? Dog, you think they're pulling the ghetto bird out for everybody who drives away from the cops? Are you serious? No. When are you going to pull over to plug your car in? See, now they're bullying me, David, and I can handle it.

I'm not a coward like you. I'm treating you like a six-year-old like you asked. I bully little kids. What's up? It makes me feel strong. I'm bigger than them, and I win.

They don't have any money. And then I do drugs in their face. I shoot heroin in front of kids. In between my toes. And that's what gets me high. So sue me, okay? That gets me higher than doing the heroin. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Lib tard me higher than doing the heroin. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Lib tard or whatever you're saying now. Sorry. I fucking take their stuff and I break it in front of them. Snowflakes. Sorry.

So high speed chase. Yeah. I want to get in a high speed chase and I think I'd get to the lair just fine. In the crip whip? In the crip whip. I think I could do it in the crip whip, for sure. Bro, people evade the cops in cars every single day. I want to be one of them. But I feel like every time there's a high-speed chase,

it doesn't end with them getting away. That's because it's not even on TV every time there's a high-speed chase. It's like robbing a bank. So you're saying, David, that there's a massive conspiracy by the local news channels, mainly in LA, to only broadcast the high-speed chases they know will end in arrest. I think they'll only broadcast the high-speed chases that are for like 10 plus miles. You could blow on them in six blocks, dude. I'm not going to blow.

I'm going to outrun them. I'm saying, especially if you have a biker, it's not as long as you think. You know what I'm saying? Thank you. I appreciate your confidence in my... It's nice. It doesn't actually even sound like confidence.

It sounds like he thinks it's easy, like that anybody can do it. I'm telling you some dumb people have done it. Some stupid... I would say mostly only dumb people have done it. Some stupid people. Because only dumb people think I'm gonna be able to outrun

I think everyone who's ever been in a high speed chase obviously thinks they can outrun the cop alright you google those stats Katie

I actually was about to thanks and I'm doing it just for the record I'm doing it because I wanted to not because you told me to what is this

I thought we were friends now I don't know I'm feeling confused and I'm lashing out I don't know if you could get away there's a six year old here I don't know. I'm feeling confused and I'm lashing out. I don't know if you could get away. There's a six-year-old here. I have to act tough.

I'm feeling like David is maybe talking from a place of experience is all I'm saying. It does maybe sound that way. I'm saying you could 100% do it. David and Chinese Jamal maybe got in a car chase in Bolivia at some point. To be clear, Sean started this by saying, I think I could outrun a cop and I think I have oh yeah let's get back let's circle back one time there was a

cop car and I saw it's lights and I was the only car around for a long ways and I drove and I think they were coming after me I think it was just for like speeding or something and I'm pretty sure that I took a few turns and got away from it. I can't guarantee that, but I'm pretty sure it was me.

Exactly. Yeah. How long did it take? Like five minutes? No, no. Like 45 seconds or something. They were like, that's what I'm saying. And then I turned a couple of times and so did they.

And then I turned and shut the car off. And then they went straight on whatever like back road I was on. So first all you did outrun the cops they didn't get close enough i've done that before i've done that same thing where i'm like i'm pretty sure they're coming after me so let me just take three weird turns yeah and then you you saved the like the plausible deniability because you're i kind of went somewhere where it'd be like believable that i was going to so if they did catch me they'd be like what are you doing i, oh, I didn't know you were looking for me. You fucking snitch. I just really needed to get to Sonic.

It was going to close soon. We didn't have a Sonic growing up, Katie. Well, there goes that bit. Yes and no but. David, it seems as though Richard Winton from the Los Angeles Times wrote this article specifically to you. The headline is, yes, David, some drivers do outrun police during high speed pursuits, but often at great peril. Yeah, nobody said it wasn't going to be dangerous. You were talking about

how you had a great peril today, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I asked my mom for some gumbo tips. I was trying to drop it casually and it didn't that didn't it didn't work the way I thought it was gonna It sounds like an Action Bronson album It sounds like a nickname for somebody Gumbo Tips or Apparel? Gumbo Tips Sounds like something you don't want to be called though Well Gumbo Tips?

That's why I didn't want to say that you're called your mother That's not something I would ever say You know I said Tips right? Yeah Anyways What is the numbers on that article? something I would ever say on this podcast or elsewhere. You know I said tips, right? Yeah. Okay. I do. Anyways, what is the numbers on that article? It's very hard

to find numbers. Oh, here we go. Against the odds, some do get away. A Los Angeles Times analysis found that the LAPD, who always tell the truth, they reported that making arrests in 82% of chases from 2006 to 2014, which is well above the state average of 68 percent david you

are correct what did i tell you it's not that hard 68 percent end in arrest is this is the california state average between those years that i said already and that's what they say right dog it's like totally you know so just in passing you know somebody who's been in a high speed chase. Maybe that's crazy. I don't. You're friends with OJ, Katie. What are you talking about? The juice?

I wouldn't say friends. I would say acquaintances. How well do you know your golf partner? You know? I use that man for sex and that's it. But if I were to have been friends with him, here's how I would have done it. Damn. Damn. Damn, Gina.

You guys give me too much credit. I loved it. I liked it. I loved it. Thanks. David, time for your earlier, Sean. Second pick. I want to...

Man, these are so weird. I want... I got some weird ones coming up. Yeah. I want to steal a famous work of art oh damn it heist if you will a real a real heist you can borrow sean's mini cooper yeah oh it's a mini cooper now huh just any car that i associate with not being a cool car sean that's the car you own yeah dude you're a pt cruiser bro Vespa. You can get away on his Vespa. I thought

an Italian job was spaghetti maker. Nice. That's good and racist and offensive, so thanks. It's a hand job with marinara. Cultural-ish? I don't know. That's a lot of things. Xenophobic is the word you're looking for. There's a lot to unpack. There's a lot to unpack in that spaghetti maker.

Hand job with marinara. Just one jar of marinara. That's all you gotta unpack. Wait, is that what you said? That's what Sean said. You hold on to the outside of the jar and put it in there. Oh, God. I'm sorry. Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

You have to cut. You guys, you got to cut the bottom out of the jar as well. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it depends. It depends. But then the marinara goes everywhere. Yeah, yeah. You can't do that Hope you don't have

An open cut you know Oh god You're gonna find out Like reach into a bag Of salt and vinegar chips Oh god This is hard again Is it

Well give yourself Another marinara job I thought we weren't Doing boners on this podcast No boners You took it to boner town I didn't say anything No but this is a

Pro bono podcast Listen I'll gladly pay If we could get Some boners on this podcast. You took it to boner town. This is a pro bono podcast. Listen, I'll gladly pay if we could get some boners in here. Okay, so you want to steal a famous work of art. Yeah. Which one would you steal? Ah, David. It's so big. It's heavy, dude.

They would come looking for you immediately. Who stole David? They would come looking for you immediately. Who stole David? They would come looking for me regardless. Who stole the David? I'm stealing art. Maybe it was David. Hey, let's check. Yeah, let's check.

Let's see if it was David what stole the David. No, that would seem too on the nose. They would check everybody not named David. That's actually hiding in plain sight, Bori, and I like it. It's just like the G in your last name. Yeah. The last person they're going to expect is another David. Okay.

Right. They're like, he respects the culture. David on David crime. Nobody does that. Also, I would steal it to preserve it because isn't it like

tipping forward and it's like could fall at any moment or something? I feel like they're probably aware of that. No, they are aware of it.

It's like the fucked up thing. Hold on, let me find it. Why do you think you can save it but they can't? I'll suspend it in carbonite. Like Han Solo?

I can't, I can't argue with that that does sound like a great you win a battle of wits has ensued and you are the victor you're the victor see what are you looking up david i'm trying to see uh him uh fall if he's falling or not i'm not looking up but. Did you Google, is David falling? Because that's so funny. It's not the first time. I did. I Googled David statue falling, and it took me to an article from the New York Times magazine. Fakeness.

So suck on that, dickheads. It says, no, it's not. Fuck. dickheads it says no it's not is it it's falling i'm sending it to everyone because his ankles are weak that's why his ankles are weak it's true dog look in the chat look in the chat even though he had a chat exactly i gotta go see this david statue Oh my God, it really is his ankles. What'd I tell you? They gotta give him that Steph Curry treatment. He had weak ankles.

I always thought he had a boner. He doesn't, huh? No. No. If I may, his bush looks a lot like a cat's mouth. His bush looks like a nose and then the little whiskers area of a cat. I don't understand why his bush looks like that. It does look like a cat's mouth.

Like a cartoon cat. Like the little cute pink button nose. Doesn't it? Yeah, and it looks like his dick is the tongue. Yeah. Wow. Okay, so when I steal it, I'm definitely drawing kitty ears and eyes right above that bush, right? Now, what we're not going to do is gloss over how Sean thought that David had a boner.

You thought that David had a boner? No, I didn't really. Here's the thing. It's 17 feet tall, right? So like- It's a boner. You'd notice the boner. It's hard.

It's a boner. As far as I'm concerned, that's a small boner. It's a dick. It's just the boner it's hard it's a bow as far as i'm concerned that's a small boner it's just yeah contextually it's not that big of a dick yeah yeah yeah no probably like shacks is that he's three quarters i'd imagine shacks always three out of five on the boner scale that's libel you've committed are you allowed to commit a crime during the crimes podcast that's my net which brings me to my next pick. Stealing Shaq's dick. National Treasure 3. That's an Olsen twins film.

National Treasure 3. Yes, it is. It's just being run in a row. National Treasure 3. And all these historical clues to Shaq's dick. It's just like an LSU with a compass. Do you think Nicolas Cage and Jack are friends? Yeah.

I think they've seen each other's dicks. Yeah. Yeah, you don't. Come on. All right. Well, all I've learned from this is that Sam Anderson of the New York Times is obsessed with the flaws, reproductions, and potential collapse of Michelangelo's masterpiece. And that's why I gotta get it out

of there to protect David. I like this pick. I also read an article today on the internet, very briefly, that art museums... It's not worth it. Forget it. No, you can't do that. Nah, art museums are starting to sell pieces of art to make money.

But the people who are deciding on where the money goes are the same people who are deciding which art gets sold, which is like a conflict of interest. So it's like they're selling off priceless pieces that probably should remain in a museum. And people are worried it's one of those slopes that are slippery and that we're going to end up with nothing in the museums because people wanted money instead. Now, again, you've learned something today. Thank you so much. And that's why everybody should start stealing art can't sell it but you should take it i bought edward munch's the scream and it's in my i have it over my toilet it's pretty fun i get it dude i have whistler's sister in my hall closet you should let her out whistler come on katie, Katie! Yes! Come on! Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm. Whistler sister, all your time has come. Now, David, would you enlist help from others for your heist, or is this a solo heist? Yeah. I think I would need some of the other top Davids. We can take my Jetta. Sedaris, Attenborough. You don't deserve a Jetta.

Jetta's too many tiers above what i'm going for shit can't take your shit who stole it yeah dude dukovny yeah david's blaine you'd gotta bring blaine yeah not not since what happened to us in 2012 you're getting off the blaine train not since not since tahoe you went from the blaine Train to the Blame Game, dude. That's what happens. He knows what he did. Disappear my fucking wedding ring. I got to go back to my wife, you fucking dickhead. Goddamn, Cheryl was heated.

Heated. Heated. Heated. Heated. Speaking of heated, David Chang could cook some nice food for you on your heist. Yeah, he's in it. He's in it. He's in it.

Good. Strong. Yeah. All the David Chang gang, dude. That's right. Chang gang. He's in it. He's in it. He's in it. Good. Strong. Yeah. All the Davids. Chain gang, dude. That's right. Chain gang. He's off the train.

He's off the Blaine train. He's on the chain gang. Chain gang, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I like to stay affiliated. This is a Bori story.

This is going well, I think. Yeah, I like it. I think it was a good riff. I like the whole thing. Duke Coffey really, really fucked me there. I don't. You and half of Los Angeles. That's the plot of Californication right there.

That's all that is. The Red Shoe Diaries. Oh, I remember that was a late night. That was a naughty show. What? David Dukovny hosted a soft core porn show. He hosted the Red Shoe Diaries? HBO, yeah. That's so. He hosted the Red Shoe Diaries? HBO, yeah.

That's so funny. What's Red Shoe Diaries? Normally I know these shows. I was a curious youth, but I don't know this one. Sean will tell you. Sean, no more jokes. It was softcore porn from Cinemax back in the day, and it was pretty cool.

Again, I'm well-versed in the genre. I didn't know this one i mean a lot of saxophone real sex taught me that the only like sex uh shows you were allowed to see were the people you didn't want to see have sex with each other yeah real sex is this what it's about and then i was like no no no no if you pay for, you can see the stuff that looks like what you'd like it to look like. It's aspirational. It was two Jewish therapists having sex with each other's unpleasant, hairy bodies. That was every episode of that show.

And then there was always like a third person who was just there as an observer that was going, good, nice. And you were like, I don't like it. You could never watch that show for a long time. It would always, you'd almost dare yourself to click on it and be like, too much. And then click the word. And whoever's production decision it was to put like three or four stories in an episode, it was too much. It was an OD of real sex. Jacking off to real sex is like skiing a double black diamond.

It's like so hard. You just have to be ready to stop at any time. Nope, gotta go. You have to constantly be ready to back down. Clowns? And then you're out. Yeah, you got a foot solidly on the gas,

but your other foot is hovering over the brake. Yeah, you drive a two. It's a two-footer. Yeah, it's a two-footer. A lot of the stuff on Real Sex was two-footers, too.

You had to, you know. I saw that episode. That show was so gross. That was such a bummer. All right. We gotta keep it moving. Katie, time for your second and third picks. These are too real.

And so now I'm going to try to make them less real. Okay. With my next pick, a hooliganism. Do you want to be in a gang? No, it's more like it's yes, but in the way that makes white people comfortable. So sports. I was in that gang.

Getting excited about sports and flipping a car over. Yes. There we go. See? Also, isn't there like a lot of assaults happening? Yes, but I'm talking about if you can say you want to fake a death, I don't say, but aren't there also a lot of embezzlement? I thought that that was a game you were playing.

You were being hurt. I'm trying to play your game. This is starting to feel nemesis-ish. I showed up with a basketball and you want to play football, so I'm trying my best. Yeah, because you know that I can't hoop, Katie. Everybody knows that. He's not legally allowed to hoop. He could, but he's not legally allowed to.

Not anymore. Not after the David Blaine thing in town. Well, on this podcast, he could hoop, technically. I can hoop. I can hoop fine. Thank you so much. It wasn't worth it. Hooliganism. hoop, technically. I can hoop. I can hoop fine. Thank you so much. It wasn't worth it. Hooliganism, fun to say.

Yes. Yep. And also, it's just reckless abandon. Do you have a team you would like to hooligan out? Probably the Boston Bruins. Oh, you're switching sports with it. Okay. What do you mean?

I thought you were going to be like, Manchester United. Oh, no. I mean, Liverpool is my team okay don't ever ever suggest that manchester united and i oh i'm sorry i have anything in common but hatred for one another i'm so crazy i'm a mank wank i'm a mank wank are we gonna hooligan right now i'm i'm being mental you're being mental brov suggested be any other is you'd be any other squad than Liverpool FC in the kit. It's your mental, bruv. You're proper mental, innit? Cut it.

He's mental. I don't even sound like you. I don't like it. It's mental. I'm kind of into it. I don't like it. You say that everything sounds the same. Then you go by them.

Keep going, Ian. You know what I'm talking about? Was it? Yeah, the streets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was walking down the line. Could have been six or seven, but mixed fish chip time. And then my bruv comes over and says in the pop

of the trainers. I say, it's university, bruv. But then he goes mixing, lixing the candy dish or some shit hooliganism yeah i would love that i would love to see you engage in some of that just getting buck wild because of sports absolutely very relatable i would like to watch the documentary of you getting radicalized into a hooligan all right Green Street Factory, but you instead of the Hobbit. Alright.

I understood everything you just said. Thank you. Hockey fans are probably the equivalent of American soccer fans, right? They're probably like the craziest. They're different in the sense that it's the sport that the least people in this country care about, whereas soccer is the most popular, but because

of that, they double down on their passion they're the gnarliest like when the when the bruins won the stanley cup i was working at a bar in olston massachusetts and uh and i remember leaving the bar and looking out in the street people are like climbing lampposts and they're like paddy wagons driving down the street which now that i say that that might be an offensive offensive term I've never reexamined in my life. Yeah, but it's about the Irish, so it's fine. And I am, so it's fine. Yeah. Partially.

I can do that for a quarter of time. I can't say it because there's not a drop of Irish blood in me, but I will. Paddywagon. There's a bunch of Irish blood on you, on your hands. That's right. And he's got no remorse. Yeah, I just thought about how fun it would be to just like, I'm going to climb this. Now, I wouldn't do it the way Philly sports fans do it, which is to eat excrement that

falls out of the asshole of a horse off the street. That's not something I think I would get swept up in. That person just wanted to eat horse shit and they were looking for any excuse. Yes. There's no other explanation for that. You're just like, when can I do this? The Eagles finally won let's all eat horse shit and he's like god everyone was like no he's like yeah yeah but i'll bring it up

again later you'll be ready later oh the fucking eagles we're gonna eat horse shit tonight i don't know why he's from boston he just really moved there he went to temple and then he was like i think i'll stay i like it brotherly he's been trying it for years and then finally they're like all right the eagles won but he's been trying it for years and then finally they're like, all right, the Eagles won. But he's been trying it. Dude, I got an A on my turnpick. You guys want to eat some horse shit with me? That was his big debut.

We should see how that guy's doing now. Is he alive still? Dude, she said yes. Let's go eat some horse shit. He's very sick. Today is my daughter's wedding. Let's eat some horse shit. I also wouldn't mind lighting something on fire.

And this feels like a place where you can't do that, but you can do that. And there's no like, nobody's getting, you're not lighting someone's house on fire and this feels like a place where you can you can't do that but you can do that and there's no like nobody's getting you're not lighting someone's house on fire you're not lighting on fire a like a political symbol you're just lighting you know a habs jersey done indoor roman candles you gotta have so much fun i do love seeing fire in the streets it excites me yeah yeah so who hooliganism great pick hooliganism. Great pick. Hooliganism, your organism. God. Your third pick? Mel Kiper's in my head now.

Don't do that. Don't do that. It's not fair. Get him out of there. Don't do that. He's just going to say he hates all my picks, so I shouldn't care. He owns five plastic swords. His opinion doesn't carry anyway.

You know what else? Can I say this? Mel Kiper actually mock drafts, so what he should do is read the topic and then without listening, guess what we're all going to draft. That would be how you become the Mel Kiper of AFE. But instead what you do is you pick apart the things we work hard on, we create, and you destroy. Uh-huh.

Wow. With my next pick. Dipset. Everybody's a critic. Grand Theft Auto. You want to steal a car-huh. Wow. With my next pick. Dipset. Everybody's a critic. Grand Theft Auto. You want to steal a car? Yeah. Yeah.

Yep. I want to take a car, and I want to drive it fast. Hot wire? Yep. Oh, yeah. Got to do it. Dot com. Wouldn't you maybe want to do the screwdriver in the ignition, that thing?

Or you want to actually sit and hot wire it? Well, the problem is most cars now have a button which i find very unsatisfying no i want i don't want anything to do with the button do you yell engage before you push it yes that could up the game a little bit i wouldn't say yell i would say it's like a guttural scream that's it that is have you watched me take a car i've been tailing you it's uh you'll hear about my next. I just think it would be fun. You can check the glove compartment, see what's up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

See what this person's life's about, but also it's a nice car. And then leave it at the beach. Right. You get to meet Nicolas Cage. Vin Diesel? Vin Diesel. Leave it at the beach. Nicolas Cage.

Gone in 60 seconds? Yeah. I could be at the beach for hours. What's up, Nick? That was funny. That was good. That was Nick Cage. I could be at the beach for hours. What's up, Nick? That was funny. That was good. That was Nick Cage. I could be at the beach for hours.

I could eat a peach for days. I could eat a peach for hours. What? In order for it to be grand, it has to be an expensive car, right? Grand theft auto. No, you just have to be doing Fosse hands while you do it. Look at me, thefting an auto. Isn't it grand

to steal a car? Yeah, if you took my Leaf, it'd still be a grand theft. God darn it. Because that's how much it costs to buy your Nissan Leaf. Damn. Let me look up what makes it grand theft. A two grand theft. Somebody doesn't like me. That would be

the price of the car. I got it for grand theft auto. Five grand theft auto. I want to say grand theft auto would be more price of the car for grand theft auto grand theft auto i want to say grand theft auto would be more fun pre mp3 players because then you could flip down their cd visor and be like oh who'd i jack somebody who's got two different copies of blues travelers for why then what do you do do you return it or do you bring it back enjoy it more of like you didn't deserve this car yeah right you're like you need this is the the universe is did you say you bring it back because the hook brings you back was that on purpose oh it was just say yes jesse yes second second second if you're in container rambling make a spin move or else you'll win and then begin to see what you're doing. I mean, this MTV is not for free. So I lost it.

So deeply I sing the of love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love.

Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love okay david you don't want to join in i don't know what you're doing you're gonna get the next why you want to give me the run around sure well he's gonna have to because he doesn't have a car anymore you know what i'm saying? Anyway. Foot patrol, bruv. Yeah. Everything I'm seeing is about the video games. It's very difficult. Do I have to Google Grand Theft Auto the crime?

That seems weird. I mean, I don't know if there's a theft auto versus a grand theft auto. Maybe it's like grand larceny, right? Grand theft auto refers to stealing a vehicle when the vehicle's owner is not present with the intent to permanently keep it. It is a serious auto crime, unlike those other frivolous auto crimes. Sure, sure, sure.

Like involuntary manslaughter, which entails driving a motor vehicle in a reckless and dangerous manner or using the vehicle to commit another crime, such as a robbery. Hell yeah, that's why. Because you're using it to do crimes. Nice.

Wait, so I want a Joyride then. What's that? Sounds like Grand Theft Auto. Okay, I want a Joyride. You can come with me. All right. I'll take a two-seater. Hell yeah.

Me and Katie Nolan in a stolen coupe. Let's go. I'll call her Katie Stolen. All right. Oh, I beat you to it. Yeah, you did. But did you? Because the Zoom delay, you might have said it exactly the same time.

That's true. Zoom delay. There was a David delay. David Boychick, it is time for your third pick. Okay. My third chick. My third chick. Third chick.

What's her name? My third chick. Is Sarah. What up, Sarah? She's my third. That's my mother's name. You made it weird, Katie. I didn't know.

Your mom's name is Sarah? With an H. Sarah is the name. I h sarah is the i assumed sarah is the name i always say it's my hack go-to girl name sarah i don't really know any so it's strange she just called your mom hack bro yeah your mom's a hack what's your pick back to fucking oh i want to commit a government coup yeah dude that's fun That's a big one Yeah Righteous fight take them down

And you only really do it when your government's Not coup You know Because if the government was coup we wouldn't have a problem here Government boo Did Ian just leave Ian went dark on us It's just us now

I don't think it was on purpose, but that's awesome. Oh, it was on purpose. Absolutely on purpose. I'm bummed out because you have... It's just when you bring up the government, you do this joke that I like sometimes. No, Ian does. No, David, calm down.

It's Ian. It's his joke. He was telling it when we were on tour. I think everyone's going to like it. I'm hoping, I mean, ideally. Was it that really good joke I just told and that's why he left? No, this one's a little bit more

satirical. It's a little spicier. This is as much commentary as it is humor um now and i hopefully only have a couple more months left to tell this but you know a little place called uh the white house out there in washington dc sure sure inside the beltway 1600 pennsylvania avenue well what with all the goings on lately,

political and otherwise. Sure, sure, sure. Right there at the White House in Washington, D.C. I've taken to calling it, and feel free to use this, by the way. Give me credit, but do feel free to use this. I've taken to calling it the

loony bin. Hot jokes. I've taken the colligant. The loony bin. Whoa. Hot jokes. Well, I distanced myself from this commentary, but I want you to know I support your right to say it. I just need to know everyone. I don't co-sign. Hey, both sides are crazy.

You know what I mean? It's just like you gotta- I mean, you gotta look at the good and the bad. You gotta speak truth to power. There were great people on both sides. You gotta speak truth to power. There were great people on both sides. You gotta speak truth to power, and that's all I'm doing there. Of course, right.

Sure, but a good joke. I understand the premise, and I chuckled on the inside. The loony bin. The loony bin. It's funny. It's a basket. Is it metal?

I'm picturing it. Very fun. That joke was very cool. I like it. That's fuck you, okay? Damn, you're gonna let him do that? Fuck you. In your backyard like that? It was very cool. I like it. That's fuck you, okay? Damn, you're going to let him do that? Fuck you. In your backyard like that?

It was a cool joke. Fuck you. Oof. Wow. That shit. Wouldn't have happened to me, though. It's weird. We both got the same chop basket, but my dish won.

Sorry. Sorry. All right? Sorry about that. You could have said behind when you were walking past me in the kitchen causing me to drop my ghost pepper on the ground it's the only reason i lost it's fine no it's okay enjoy your win enjoy your win you didn't win i lost that's fine that's fine that's fine with me because i'm in the next round yeah what was what was the actual pick we were talking about? I think he's doing a coup d'etat. Coup d'etat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Coup d'etat. Cut of the state. That's the kind of crime where you get tried at the Hague for it. There isn't any normal or nothing, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like we either win this or I'm out. But here's the thing. The thing about a coup that's going to stop me from doing it is it sounds like a lot of planning.

Yeah. It's making me think the same thing of like why i haven't refinanced my mortgage it's like where do i start who do i ask who do i talk to what's step one it's too much for my add so i very much respect anyone who is aspirational about pulling off a coup it wasn't that big we just we just did a google hangout that's it oh wow it wasn't even crazy it's not allegedly a Google Hangout. That's it? Oh, wow. It wasn't even crazy. It's not crazy. Allegedly. It's satire.

Step one is design a flag. Put a hole in the box. Oh, okay. Oh, you were doing a dick in the box joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. No, it's good.

Yeah, I just identified it. Step one is get a flag for your new country. I get it. That's better. All right. I'm not saying it's better. I'm saying it's original. You could put your dick in a box before you get a flag. I just wouldn't call it step one because it's not. All right. I'm not saying it's better. I'm saying it's original. You could put your dick in a box before you get a flag.

I just wouldn't call it step one because it's not really pertinent. Surprisingly enough, the flag is my dick in a box. Well, there we go. Yeah. That's a country. I pledge allegiance. He's a uniter. Yeah.

Yeah. Yep. He's the wonders. My bad. Wonders. It's pronounced wonders. That's funny. David, his pick is a coup d'etat. Sean, time for your third pick. that's funny uh David is

picking the coup d'etat Sean time for your third pick uh I want to spray paint boogers on the faces of Mount Rushmore alright

I love you so much I can do it right there in the coup that's what you would do during uh the what's that movie called oh National Treasure

National Treasure no when everything when you I could be that movie when? Oh, National Treasure? National Treasure. No, when everything, I could be that movie. When everything's legal, The Purge. Oh, The Purge, yeah. He just goes and spray paints boogers. David's just like, all right, so we're going to have to take out these people, and I'll be like, I'm on booger duty, bro. I will be up there, spray painting boogers.

That would actually be the safest time to do it, because during a purge, no one's like, got to get to Mount Rushmore, stat. I've never said that. No. Yeah, spray paint bugs, old hangy bugs on all the faces on Mount Rush, bro. Have you ever spray painted hangy bugs on anything else to practice?

I've never spray painted anything. A good question. Well, you should start practicing. Yeah, I'd put in some work. I'd spray paint some bugs on the wall. I'd do like a mock-up Mount Rushmore in the basement, not to scale, and I'd spray paint smaller bugs on it.

And then when I was going up to Big Mountie Rush, I'd spray paint bigger bugs on the bigger bases. How tall is Mount Rushmore? I don't know. I know that Gutzon Borglum did it to impress his dad. You never been there? Did it work? I've been there.

It's very, very tall. I don't know. I bet it didn't work. No, his dad was a mean old cuss. If you got to do stuff like that for your dad, that dad's never going to be proud of you. Yeah, Gutzon Borglum was a bad dude too, I think. He was a white supremacist.

Wasn't he the guitarist from Limp Bizkit? That's Wes Borland. That's close. That's close. They're related. Boogies on Mount Rushmore. Boogies on Mount Rushmore. What color are they going to be?

Probably green. Green. Are you an Antifa now, Sean? Is that what you're telling us you get your membership card i don't mine's not it must be stuck in the mail or something you gotta have a address to get a membership card i'm off the grid no no membership i actually got jumped into antifa because you know blood and blood out unless you want to send it to my tips for my spray cans that i'm going to use to put boogers on the fucking assholes. All right?

All right, bro? What? Boogers on the assholes. Have you thought about the types of boogers that each asshole would have? Keep talking. Tolerant ones. Like, are you thinking, like, oh, I'd give, who's on Mount Rushmore? George Washington.

Yeah. Crusty ones on the inside. Also, what would you do to Alexander Graham Bell? Not on Mount Rush, bro. Who's on? Kiss him on his mouth. Thomas Jefferson, Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Washington. Big Teddy?

You would boog up Big Teddy? I'd boog him up. You know, he's with a nefarious crew. So, unfortunately, he's getting booged up. Booged? Yeah. Man. And everyone's just getting boogs

they just all look like they caught a cold I'll probably do like a red oh maybe I could spray paint some cocaine under one of their noses like just do a little white and then I could put some bloody boogers under some yeah I could get a little creative yeah so I'm saying you could give one like a like a shiner or something you could go

you could go I'm not trying to interrupt your creative vision I just I could just give one of them a scar with some stitches maybe i could do all that i'm with stupid and then pointing to the other one paint a teardrop on one of their faces no they don't have enough face for the teardrops they need i'll tell you that you you should draw their whole bodies and then they're just like skateboarding and stuff. Down the mountain. Yeah. They make them do embarrassing, like one of them's just holding his dick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. One's skateboarding. This is a fun, I like this idea. Now, I hope we didn't step on your idea, which was boogers. I'm just, we're just spitballing. Yeah, this is the writer's room. I could spray paint big boners on all of them.

That'd be funny. Well, tiny little. That's not. Smaller boners would be better. Tiny little boners. Yeah, yeah. You gotta give them little boners. That's like, we're not trying to big them up anymore.

Tiny boners with little cat faces on top of them. Guys, while Ian's away, can I just say sometimes it's nice to just be us, you know? I agree. This is really cool. He's a locker room cancer. You stopped fighting when Ian left. I noticed that, you two. I wasn't fighting.

I'm trying to not fight. I'm trying to be kind. You and Dave seem to be fighting. I wasn't fighting. I wasn't fighting. Did you call him Dave? I call him Dave sometimes. I'm trying to be kind. You and Dave seem to be fighting. I wasn't fighting. I wasn't fighting. Did you call him Dave? I call him Dave sometimes. I hate it. You know that's only for my lovers. I don't like it. It makes me feel

wrong. I couldn't be a Dave. Look, what about now? Okay, she's coming back. She's coming back. And that's why I think that Ian's the greatest. Welcome back, Ian. Thank you. I didn't even notice you were coming back. I was just saying I think you're the that Ian's the great. Welcome back, Ian. Thank you. I didn't even notice you were coming back. I was just saying I think you're the greatest man in the world.

Oh, my God. I had to go answer the door because of all the gifts I bought for you showed up. Oh, that's so nice. Why would you not send them to hear my home? I'm going to destroy them on a sort of a live stream. Let's move on. No pics. Let's move on.

Destroying Katie's gifts on a live stream time for my third and fourth picks my third pick is going to be violating the hatch act and every i know but what's the hatch act for the room yeah it's something that trump has been doing a lot using my political position for monetary gain oh so then you're gonna do it i don't think we would do that i'm gonna get elected to office and i'm gonna use i'm gonna and i'm gonna violate the hatch act all over the place i don't think you'd do that i'm gonna call bullshit i don't think you got that in you i could violate the hatch act are you kidding me all i need is a seersucker suit i don't know they say got to crack a few eggs to violate a hatch.

I don't think you could do it. I could absolutely. I could absolutely do it. If you put me in a seersucker suit, I would be violating the Hatch Act within 24 hours. What would you do? Like sell like your own like presidential salsa or something? I would put up. I would.

Yeah, I would sell. I would. I would sell my own presidential salsa. Yeah. I would invent a new. I would invent a new breed of dog. Tastes like democracy. Yeah.

You could call it swing state salsa. Swing state salsa. Mmm, tangy. I would invent a new breed of dog using the White House lawn as a mating ground for it and then sell that breed of dog right out of the White House. Okay. The loony bin lawn, actually. The loony bin lawn. That's another crime on top of a crime, letting dogs for white house okay the loony bin lawn actually the loony bin lawn

that's another crime on top of a crime letting dogs fornicate on the white house lawn i'm famously a crime i've never seen it it's an act to prevent pernicious political activities and i'm gonna violate it it's to prevent pernicious to prevent pernicious political activities the hatch act is supposed to prevent it and you're not gonna care. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I've never described you as pernicious. I'm capable of pernicious activities. You'll see. Pernicious activities was in Sean's grip set.

Yeah, dude. Nope. Six pernicious activities. Taz was another dude in there. Taz! I always forget that there was a dude named Taz. Two of those are real. Like the Mania Devil. I was a dude named Taz. Two of those are real. Like the Maniac Devil. I was six. With a C.

Oh, guys. Oh, no. Here comes six and Taz. Oh, no. As long as they don't have pernicious activities with him, I think we're safe. No, they can't read, so they don't know what that is. He keeps that thing on him. Oh, pernicious activities?

For sure. His mom's a gun. His dad's a barrel fire. Anyway, you can catch me selling ain't Bernards out the White House, Grant. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This is what I go.

This was all a vehicle for the ain't Bernards joke. We've been bamboozled again by our pernicious leader. Can I say, I loved it ain't bernards oof that's good yeah dude you could sell carmelly bears oh carmelly bear yeah exactly we've got an american flag shoved up your ass exactly you can see this all playing out it's coming right out the back yeah and then i'm like looking back at it like oh like the copper tone baby like assassin with copper tone baby exactly exactly my sassy copper tone baby. Exactly. My fourth pick, I'm going to take, ooh,

boating while intoxicated. Now let me put this out here. See, that's another one of those ones where I'm like, that's a crime? How else does one boat? I thought it was a crime to do it when you're not shit-faced. A buoy, they called a buoy, a boating while intoxicated.

Some qualifying factors i would nobody else could be on the lake it would just be me no one else is in my boat but i'm out there tearing ass hammered as fuck on a speedboat on the lake i as somebody who's been drunk on a jet ski i listen yeah i get it that's all i'm saying i actually don't understand being sober on a on a boat. I didn't know. It feels like, what do you think, you're better than me? Uncalled for.

I feel like you got to flip it to get a buoy, right? They're not just like. You got to do some crazy shit, I think. You got to flip that bitch, right? I feel like there isn't enough standing in the way of just anyone driving a boat. I know. You can just drive a boat. My brother lives in Chicago now and he was just saying that he went and took out a boat and they let him drive it and i was like do you know how boat traffic works i

wouldn't know the are there lanes i don't know anything about it so this is funny i was just talking to a boat captain and he claimed that uh boat cops are worse than regular cops oh wow yeah this was like two weeks ago really yeah yeah yeah I've been thinking about driving a boat a lot recently for some reason. I just, in my head. It'd be really fun. In my head, I'm just driving a boat. And before I went on the boat. But I did go on a boat.

But no matter how nice the boat is, I want it to have that wheel that has the spokes that you use to steer. Yeah, absolutely. I don't want anything that looks like a steering wheel. I don't care if there's a motor in there. I want to pull that weird looking. Underhand on the boat steering wheel and yelling at God or a storm. That's so funny. I was yelling at God in the ocean yesterday.

Me and Toscani. I was like, come fight me. And then I punched a wave. It was pretty funny. I used to do that as a kid. I swear to God, I would stand in the ocean and pretend I was fighting God. Oh, man. Me and you were and pretend I was fighting God. Oh, man. Me and you were like.

I mean, technically. Yeah, I just, it's, I mean, you were a smart kid because it's way fun. Yeah, it's really fun. It's a great time. It's a great time. You're ahead of your time. I was just yelling, show yourself. And then I jump into the wave.

You feel alone in a good way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think sometimes it's good for a big person to meet something that can like take over their body to remember that that's like able to happen you know what i mean i think it's good for you yeah i think as a big person also yeah yeah yeah also it makes you feel like not

crazy i don't know how to explain it oh i think you did a great job i'll write a think piece about it uh sean time for your fourth pick there's a weird one but i want to explain it. I think you did a great job. I'll write a think piece about it. Sean, time for your fourth pick. This is a weird one, but I want to do it. I want to buy alcohol with a fake ID, even though I'm 38. And I really want to push the fake ID on them, where they're like, sir, we don't need it. And I go, look, look, it makes me feel young. And then they realize it's fake.

And then they still probably let me do it, because I'm old enough. You have a white beard yeah so you're gonna need my id right let me figure it out here for you uh let me grab that for you next time we go to the roost i'll let i'll swap ids with you oh god buy it buy it with david's id just slide it to him be like huh i need the campari so yeah that'll be a one beer for david this is sar oh yeah yeah uh don't mind my weight i've been boarding a lot lately that picture was take out i did i didn't live in bolivia when that picture was taken but i do have the you know it's i was i was by the equator i hate a growth spurt lesson so run me my crown royal no yeah

i think it's great sean i would love to see my alcohol with a fake id thank you as you can see i'm a 71 year old korean woman and i will be buying the schlitz now yeah just be funny see the look on their face like, why? And you're like, hey, man, why not?

You know? Wine. Wine. Nice. Why not? Why not? Why not? David, time for your fourth pick.

My fourth pick is going to be. Great. We're so excited. I was trying to help you buy time. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not sure which. I know which one. I want to help you buy time oh no no no i i'm not sure which i know which one i want to commit stock fraud oh okay whoa livestock fraud or stock fraud livestock fraud first and then stock somebody as a fraud or you mean like trading manipulate the market like i

just want to i want to use my influence if it gets bigger and be like huh if i was a betting man i would buy xxx and x shares of david bory and co and then drive the price up and unload my options i want to make a billions move you want the sec to show up at your door i want the sec to come for me and then i'm like i'm clean you motherfuckers and then i own death. Oh, you're telling your shit together. Whoa. This is David's origin story. Stock fraud, because it seems like everybody. Listen, I was dipping in there.

I was dipping my toes in there a few months ago. Everybody's in there doing crazy shit. Absolutely. Fortunes are made and lost so fast there. I feel like you could like fraud some shit, get like a quick five mil and then like ghost i feel about the stock market the way i feel about what i originally felt about atms remember when you first saw an atm and you were like i just get free money yeah and obviously it was your money but you were like i got money out of nowhere now the stock market feels like pulling off a stock

fraud like that is like profiting off of nothing actually having happened people invested in something that didn't nothing happened and then it dropped and then you sell and then you get money but nothing you didn't make anything you didn't do anything yeah i was embroiled with stocks for about seven weeks early pandemic didn't end up great but when i was up i made like 12 racks like and it's like but what i do nothing i didn't do anything i was just like a smart person is listening to this with their head in their hands but i find it fascinating exactly i will say this this sounds like and then smash cut to us all being arrested for like low-level stock fraud we're not gonna do it we're just

talking about i'm just like this conversation we're like how hard could it be it's not even a crime and then we're all being like let out in handcuffs with sec jackets draped over our heads i'd have an afv hoodie draped over mine shit they probably know i'd be like aaron hernandez with the arms in the shirt underneath the shirt. Because clearly he wasn't wearing a shirt when they cuffed him and they put a shirt over him. Oh my God. Man, I forgot about him. That's probably the worst thing he did. Yeah. I can't think of anything else of note.

I like to bring the mood up with an Aaron Hernandez drop. Did I tell you I saw a guy in an Aaron Hernandez Pats jersey? It's just there's a lot more of them than you think. Oh, my God. It's like kids on the internet saying words they don't understand. You're just trying to get somebody to go, are you serious with that? Yeah, you're saying butt loops. You don't even know what that means.

Stock fraud. Katie, time for your fourth and then your final pick. Then we'll make the final picks a lightning round. I don't have that many picks. Okay, for my fourth pick, I'm going to go with racketeering. Yes! I just wanted to say it, yes.

Because really fun to say. Also, there's another fun way to say it. It's Rico, is what they call it. Rico charge. They tried to hit me with the Rico! That's right. And basically, my understanding of racketeering, which may not be an understanding,

but it is mine and I'm here to speak my truth. Beating someone to death with a ping pong paddle, right? No, that's racketing. Oh, sorry. This racketeering is just doing hood rat shit with your friends. Yeah, it's a grouping charge, right? It's like I got a bunch of people together and we made a criminal enterprise is what you call it, but a small business is what we call it.

Exactly. It's hood rat shit with your friends. It's such a small business, we can't tell anybody about it. That's how small this business is. Not to be confused with rocketeering, which is clean, good fun. That's right. Absolutely. It sure is. I like the

racketeering because that means you were also doing something else. You know what I mean? But you were so good at doing something else that all they could do was get you on the racketeering. They couldn't get you for that. We can't tell if she was selling exotic animals. You know what I mean? And she wasn't.

And she wasn't. To your knowledge, I dare you to prove it. I continue to dare you to prove it. Why would you go to Bolivia to get a hippo to sell? That's crazy. I wouldn't have even said Bolivia, although I've heard it's lovely this time of year. I wouldn't know. Maybe.

I wouldn't believe you. I'll tell you that. I've never been there. Exactly. That's the kind of stuff we like to do for fun is just good, clean jokes like that. Racketeering. Racketeering. Getting hit with a Rico. My next pick is raconteuring.

And your final pick, Katie? I mean, it's not my best, but the other ones I have on here are like disturbing the peace, which I know is something we all do, so why would I say it? DTP. Part of me wants to say prostitution

because it would just be nice to have a money value associated to know how much you could charge. I don't feel like we're getting a lot of... Ma'am, I feel like that is a slippery slope. Right. So that's why I'm not going to say it, but I just,

I knew you guys weren't going to say it. Slippery slope is also a big part of prostitution, right? It is, but that costs extra. But see what I'm saying is knowing how much extra I could charge would help me understand where I stand in the world. But I guess I'll say squatting.

I'd like to squat in an apartment, in a nice apartment. I would like to walk into it and. Oh, yeah. In a nice apartment. I would like to walk into it and sit. Probably actually literally squat and be like, this is mine now. I live here. That just sounds fun. I'll probably put a flag in the ground.

Do they have squatters rights in New York? I don't know. San Francisco, they do. Yeah. I would just love to walk into an apartment and be like, why isn't this mine? Prove that this isn't mine. I like it. I'm here. I would just love to walk into an apartment and be like, why isn't this mine? Prove that this isn't mine. I'm here. Or just live in a place that isn't zoned for apartments.

Isn't that also squatting? Yeah, that's not as fun, David, but I guess I could also do that. I'll go fucking shoot myself. No, no, no, no, no. Don't. Stay. Just stay. This is your house now. That's your lightning round. Squatting. Squatting. Also could be a synonym for racketeering because I'm squatting up. Go ahead.

Oh! David, time for your lightning round pick. Fix a basketball game. Oh, yeah. Good one. One that would then be reproduced by your good friend, Ian Carmel. No, we're going to double up. And then Ian can be like, I'm going to

go right out there and say, the Rockets are going to win this. And then Ian can be like, I'm going to go right out there and say, the Rockets are going to win this. And then he would gain fame and fortune. And then they'll hit us with a racketeering charge. Yeah, this is like insider trading almost. And then we'll use the money to spray paint boogers on Mount Rushmore. I know it's the lightning round, but I want to know how you'd do it. But I can't ask follow-ups.

Oh, it would be a college game and I would get some players in my pocket. I think it would just be like a Henry Hill ask follow-ups oh it would be a college game and i would get some players in my pocket i think i think it would just be a cat like a henry hill kind of situation it would just be cash just like it'd be tough to fit them in there they're very tall but i do i'm in i'm excited to see i got deep pockets after that you got them janko jeans i got them janko pockets i'm just kidding guys i never wore jankos i did david where david is wearing jankos right now sean time for your pick. I would go against copyright laws and I would make counterfeit Big Johnson shirts with woke messages on them.

Yes. Whoa. Such as equal pay for everybody when you have a Big Johnson. Something like that, you know? Sick. That's not equal pay for everybody. What do you mean?

Well, you can have a big dick and still think women deserve to be paid as much as men for completing the same job. Yeah, I'm just, I mean, unfortunately. Who are you telling? You don't. Nobody usually does, but you could. Doesn't even need to be a dick.

It could just be the CEO of the company, male or female or otherwise, is named Johnson, and it's, you know, they're the big Johnson. Equal pay for everybody, you know? Just losing the meaning, but I still support your mission. Yeah, just, you know, big Johnson shirts that are woke big johnson lives matter yeah that's uh i probably wouldn't make that one but it's up to you i'll run it all by you guys first for sure all cops are big johnson all cops are a cab they would wear that for sure a cab bj

oh i love that time for my final pick and i would litter in singapore because you want to get caned daddy has a fetish all right litter in singapore you're not allowed to litter there and i just want to fucking stick it to him you're not allowed to litter here either

i don't care i'm doing it in Singapore where they get even angrier about it. You can kind of litter here. You can get away with it in Singapore. They're not fucking on it. And I would just litter. I would just be like, take that. You're not better than us. Look at this guy. Littering in Singapore, honking his horn in downtown Manhattan. You're a bad boy. That's right.

Honking on Bobos over there. Honking on Bobo. On fucking wax. So that wraps it up. To recap recap katie you took tax evasion hooliganism grand theft auto racketeering and then squatting david you took faking your own death stealing a priceless work of art a coup d'etat stock fraud and then fixing a basketball game hell yeah sean you took rigging the lottery, a high-speed chase, spray-painting boogers on Mount Rushmore, using a fake ID even though you're 38 years old,

and then making woke, counterfeit Big Johnson shirts. I feel like if you did all those things, it would just be a criminal mischief to you. Yeah. I went with retransmitting, reproducing, rebroadcasting, or otherwise distributing or using in any form without express written consent of the NBA and NBA game, opening a restaurant that serves Japanese puffer fish meat, violating the Hatch Act,

boating while intoxicated, and littering in Singapore. I lost. No, no. A lot of great stuff left on the board, though. We did. Killing and eating a bald eagle. I had treason. I did, too. I lot of great stuff left on the board, though. We did. Killing and eating a bald eagle. I had treason.

I did, too. I had treason, too, because treason's only bad if the country's doing good stuff. That's what I'm saying. I'd go down for that. Treason ain't bad if the country's bad. I'd go down for treason. Also, nobody assassinated anyone here. No.

Allegedly or otherwise. No, no, no. Busting through a zoo on a dune buggy. Breaking into Disneyland. Yeah. Menacing I had would be fun. Sounds fun to be menacing. That'd be great to menace.

Espionage. Oh, espionage would be great. Ooh, that would be good. It's just a beautiful word. Yeah, it does sound like a dancer. Yes. Impersonating the Queen of England? Oh, impersonating her officer.

I thought it was crimes we wanted to do not crimes we've done i had pretending to be a doctor so that you can just like see what's up with other people and know if you're normal or also just like pretending to be like a psychiatrist and being like tell me all your problems and then being like okay bye i saw some weird butts today at work but putting some fix-a-flat in someone's ass might be kind of fun. You don't know. Oh, like Dr. Miami? No, not Dr. Miami. Never mind. Sorry.

Allegedly. He didn't mean to say that. I didn't say that. I don't know who did that. But people did it. Better than Dr. Bolivia. They're putting fix-a-flat in butts. In booties.

In butts, yeah. It's like a big issue. Really? It's very funny that it's named that and that it's used in that way. I find that very funny that the's named that and that it's used in that way i find that very funny that the solution was to fix a flat ass i i just what a treat that is i'd like to think that there was more thought i like to think that there was less thought than probably went into it like i feel like somebody was just like at auto the auto zone like wait a second yeah i'd like

to think a dumb person was like if it can fix flat tire, it's gotta be able to create a spare one. Honey, get me my diabetes needles. They'd call it fix a flat tire if it was just for tires. Legally, they couldn't just call it fix a flat. Let's try it. Okay. Yeah, and some of those butts go bad, man.

It's a bummer. Just love the butt you're in. It's a bum a bummer just love the butt you're in yeah love the butt you're in that's the message after 200 some episodes of this podcast is love the butt you're in we want to hear your picks hit us up at all fantasy pod on twitter all fantasy podcast at gmail.com oh yeah we would all commit sam elliott yeah yeah i didn Sam Elliott. I didn't want it to get by. Sam Elliott. Nice. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to everyone holding us down on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon.

Thank you so much for what you do. Mega shout out to super producer Marissa. Marissa, any crimes you would commit? Own an illegal animal. Oh. That's sick. Maybe, I don't know, because I know big cats are kind of bad to own now because of Tiger King, so maybe like a monkey.

Okay, yeah. Just wait till Monkey King comes out, and then you're going to be screwed. This is on wax. We'll come get you. True, true. So Marissa owns the mandrill. Excellent. Shout out to Saints Who Carmel.

Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to fucking penguins. Shout out to Weef Bellington. Shout out to We Ocean shout out to Sid the dude shout out to fucking penguins shout out to Weef Bellington shout out to Weef Bellington shout out to LeBar Vol LeBar Vol shout out to the sport of LeBarsket Vol I'm gonna big up my own joke oh wait no I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it I got it he dropped it I dropped it no it's coming guys I swear No, it's coming, guys. I swear to God, it's going to be worth it.

It's going to be worth it. I've heard this many times before. Don't do that to me, Katie. We're friends now. Not from David. Not from you, David. He knows who he is. Lauren Snook, I can't find the name that you wanted us to shout out in the email.

I can't read either. This is Josh Peng. Josh Peng. Shout outosh josh peng shout out to josh josh peng shout out to josh peng in taiwan and his wife and they're having a baby yeah congratulations josh peng we've all been thinking about you buddy because of covid they can't meet up oh no I hope you're not having sympathy pangs. Oh, my Lord. There it is. There it is. Pang, that's a great ass.

And more important than all of that, tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. Big Johnson says vote. That was a hate gun podcast.