All Fantasy Everything - Dad Stuff (w/ Dan Devine, Sean Jordan, David Gborie)

Episode Date: September 30, 2021

Dads! How many of us have them!? Dads! Guys who we kinda look like. Writer/Podcaster/Father Dan Devine swings by to draft "Dad Stuff" with the boys, including Yung Dad himself Sean Jordan. Guest: Dan Devine @YourManDevine IG: @YourManDevine Support the show! Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbags, watchalongs, and video pre-rolls. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy. Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Merch: teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverything Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media: Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmel Sean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordan David Gborie IG: @Coolguyjokes87 Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.Mel Show Email: [e-mail] omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is All Fantasy Everything, the podcast where we fantasy draft anything and everything from the world of pop culture. On today's episode, we're drafting dad stuff because we've got two dads on the episode and two people who might be dads. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not that we know of, you know, but you never know. Our guest today is staff writer at The Ringer, Dan Devine. Dan covers the NBA at The Ringer, but his colleagues know him for being peak dad. I'm your host, Ian Carmel, and I'm joined as always by my friends and comedians, David Borey, and recent father, Sian Jordan. Let's get into it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that had a beautiful sea bass for dinner. Okay.

Yeah. You had a sea bass for dinner? Well, not a whole sea bass, but I did have a beautiful piece of sea bass for dinner. What'd you do to it? I ate it, dude. Ah, well, I mean, okay. I'm not going to press. I'm not going to press. It was like a, it was an herb business

lemon and herb crusted you know i it's i'm on i'm on the meal plan again oh so you didn't crust it i didn't crust a thing dude uncrustables love don't crust a thing see i think you're gonna eat my fish you don't i would eat her fish though for the record i'd eat her fish who would not who would not and i mean i'm not even this isn't even a double entendre that's it's a legitimate that's a legitimate beef that's a legitimate problem that's a legitimate fish if you got fish then eat a carp you know do people eat no what no probably don't eat a carp huh carp is trash but nobody eats it even if it's like shit i know but it's like i feel like david david is probably the only person who regularly fishes right or has fished with some regularity

yeah i would rather eat your ass with a spoon than eat a carp don't threaten him with a spoon, then eat a carp. Don't threaten him with a good time, David. Somebody threw a hot carp on me one time, and I got streptococcus on my arm. True story. I swear to God. Isn't that like a staph infection? Yep. How does the temperature have anything to do with the relative virality of it? Or do you mean it was stolen?

Was it a stolen carp? i assume that it was stewing in its own juices type of thing is hot carb the guy that was married to topanga yes people shout out to jensen wow coming in hot might only get one shot at this gotta come in hot oh man live it live it yeah drive it like you stole it man it's exactly right it's a hot carp dude you just took my spot i'm a guest now you just you just put it away you just weaseled in sean who do you who do you like uh in the playing tournament you got to be dan now that's right oh crap give me 1900 words on marcus saul by tomorrow on marcus saul that's exactly right dang i don't know if i know 1900 words do

they have to make sense all put together can i tell you the secret of my career they never have to make can i just be like guy just be like pugil stick longinus we have the same secrets of our careers that's amazing i've always said i'm sort of i'm sort of the david barry of the blog game is kind of how i describe myself to a lot of people and then a lot of people are like i see that i see that in you no that's understandable completely that's understandable orange skyscraper vanilla grass he's getting there i go up to like 12 this is amazing are you having a stroke barry derrison do you smell mint pow wait i thought it was burning hair it's burning toast mint now we gotta we gotta decide on what it is because i'm already worried i'm having a stroke all the time

so if it's multiple things you smell it needs to be one if you go to a if you go to the doctor in the midwest they say that if you smell dip teak candles that you're probably having a stroke well fuck you yeah they say that like but they think dip teak is that african-american gentleman who took their daughter to prom they really do now dip teak i said 11 not 1101 okay he said quite frankly i start so not only not only do i start i also finish so we'll see you at midnight pops well dip teak i uh i was in jv i almost lettered so till i was 38 and i found out what that means and turns out i wasn't a jv athlete i or i was wait was i or

wasn't i i think you were a jv athlete yes i was everybody's jv who's not varsity right or no uh well i mean there's probably also a freshman team do you were you on that as an upperclassman or was that was this an early entry level position no i wasn't that whack no no i wasn't i wasn't like not a freshman on the freshman team that's so then yeah listen junior varsity and you know what if you feel like your varsity i'm not gonna sit here and hold you like that's fine i do that's i am i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna sit here and i have a new david and his name's dan dan wouldn't give me shit for being excited to see him in a couple days like you did so there oh yeah you mean that joke i made is pretty good no everybody out there david was bullying me again like he does i'm not gonna let this stand

boys boys sorry boys sorry i could be a dad. What if you have girls? I have girls, and there is still a lot of that. There's still a lot of yelling boys at them. Here it is out there in the front yard screaming boys, and they're like, hey, girls, he's real bummed about it. That dude's not handling it well. My girls better learn a three technique pretty quick, because I got one speed.

I got one speed. We line up at a two eye in this family daddy why do you keep calling me icebox i don't know why do you keep fumbling right it's called aspirational naming get used to it now go go find your brother, two-time Tony Award winning actor, Billy Porter Carmel. I don't know if he has two tones, but he might. If he doesn't, he should. He's delightful. He should. He fucking, he is.

He's a lovely man. He's a lovely man in very precarious shoes, that Billy Porter. The same could be said about Sean Jordan. Sean has Jordan on Twitter. Sean Cougar melon jordan on instagram sean dray dawson on the uh on the diamond threw a purple shirt on today man i'm feeling i'm feeling fun today yeah i woke up and i put the purple shirt on that was the highlight of my day so far well except for this so and i have a daughter that's how much i wanted to wear

this purple shirt you what are the what were the shoes do you do any did you do any matchy matchy what's going on here haven't no no i have we wanted to walk but other than that i haven't had shoes on all day is there anything on the purple shirt let's talk our let's talk our listeners through it so far festival shirt you guys remember that festival that was in omaha Yeah. In Denver? There's a wrestler on it, I think. I think it's like a... Okay. Oh, I was at that one. Yeah.

It was fun. You know, Sean, I got to be honest with you. When you told me you put on a purple shirt today and there was something on it, I got a little concerned that it might be a, I don't know, like a clown prince of crime type situation? Wow. Oh, no. That'd be twisted. I like what you called him that.

I'm not trying to do you like that. The crown prince of crime. It's like it's laid over here on the East Coast. I don't need any kind of twisted freaks happening in my screens. That's too twisted for a Monday evening. That's when we're recording. That's too twisted. I mean, isn't he from Philly?

The Joker? Where is the Jokeroker from are you asking if the joker's from philadelphia i just it just felt like it it felt like it lined up it's from gotham aka is that south philly i don't know the neighborhoods not everybody that lives in gotham can be from gotham that's right some of those people gotta be from other places really i think he's from philly came out swinging from a wah-wah basement yeah yeah it was a tough time okay but honestly if you had to pick one american city that he was from it would be philly or tacoma pittsburgh the joker tampa bay he's not from florida he's from Sacramento dude

He could be from Sacramento He might be from Sacramento Purple Yeah He grew up a kid He loves the He loves Vladi Dimak Yeah he loves Vladi dude

He loves He loves Bobby Jackson He loves Mike Bibby He was convinced Lawrence Funderburk Was gonna be a much bigger deal Than he wound up being Yeah man

That's what turned him He was convinced Lawrence Funderburk was going to be a much bigger deal than he wound up being. Yeah, man. That's what turned him. He's a Jimmer guy. Finally, finally, me knowing that name for my job has turned out to be funny and useful in another context. This is wonderful for me. Amen. It's like the glasses of water and signs. You knew it was there for a reason.

You just didn't know what. Man. Swing away, Dan. Swing away. It would be funny, though, if there was just like some white, like if your shirt was purple, but with like a big white splotch in the middle, and you were out skateboarding, something like that,

just getting worked up out there. Like you do in the world. You're an active guy, and you got some sweat on your forehead, and you lean down, wipe the sweat off your forehead with your purple shirt and you come back up. You got Joker makeup on, dude. Dude, you know, it would have been like uber twisted. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So you come up, you got Joker makeup on.

Then you look down at your shirt. It's the fucking Joker. Yeah, man. Twisted. it's the fucking joker yeah man if you it during that act out would have somehow come back up as the joker like when you were wiping your face that would have been fucking twisted dude that would have been super to it right i don't know if i'm ready i don't know if i'm ready to twist people up that much yeah i'm gross and i'm just grateful we're not there i'm grateful we're talking about it and That would have been super to it. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't know if I'm ready to twist people up that much. Yeah. I'm gross. And I'm just grateful. We're not there.

I'm grateful. We're talking about it and like working through some of my feelings on the matter, but like that we're not there yet. I'm glad. No, I don't want it to happen. Right. Yeah. It's going to happen.

It's going to happen. I bet it is. So Sean, got anything new coming up? Oh, we did a flea flicker back there who's got who's who's passing the ball that's how i feel right now that's the most twisted that's how i fucking feel dude you know what you know what i deserve that i earned that jared leto's the joker i had it coming i had it coming i don't like jared letter leto is the joker aka machine it coming i had it coming i don't like jared leto leto as a joker aka machine gun kelly yeah dude i've never seen him in the same room at once you hear that shit that machine gun

kelly and conor mcgregor got in a little scrap last night at the vmas vmas are different i guess i guess conor mcgregor no i got maybe not i just, Conor McGregor wanted to take a picture with MGK as MGK pushed him and a scrap ensued. A fracas? That feels made up for TV. Yeah, that's a triller bout in two months. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because what world is Conor McGregor going to ask something

and MGK going to be be like get off of me physically the world where doja cat's hosting wearing a chair that makes more sense to me than mgk thinking that he could push connor mcgregor and get away with it mgk thinks he's he probably is hard i don't know i bet he's tough i don't i feel like that pop culture at some point just got up on one of those weird little scooters and just is doing circles around me. It's so hard to keep up with shit. I know who both of those people are.

I know who Conor McGregor and Machine Gun Kelly is, but the fact that that happened at the VMAs makes me feel like I know less about them. That's hilarious. I was just looking through VMA Twitter last night and I was like, I don't know anybody. I don't know any of these names. It's hilarious i was just looking through vma twitter last night and i was like i don't know anybody i don't know any of these names it's hilarious it happened it happened this entire conversation might be tip and picks like this is the the that's true that's true that's true john do you have anything coming up november 18th i'll be in sioux falls south dakota with kyle canane uh among other dates in the midwest but that's the one that i want you to go to november 18th and then some other i think lincoln and um iowa city that's the most twisted one

flesh plate flesh face joker oh yeah flesh face jack nicholson is a bad that's that looks it is the worst thing i've ever seen i look like that when i'm drunk now that's my drunk faces i don't look like it looks like vaguely erotic well i was gonna say ian was about to say flesh face jack nicholson looks like a bad dude and i was like in the show's canon that might actually be true i mean you rearrange some of these lines and that's a vagina it's not yeah it's not far off for all the listeners david then had a picture of the american flag up before he said to rearrange the lion's vagina. Was no longer the joke. Oh, yeah, these colors don't run.

Women live here, too, Sean. He's a feminist, Sean. Damn it. Something maybe you should show a little more interest in. Yeah. As a father of daughters. Yeah. Yeah, you're a father of daughters, dude.

If that didn't do it, nothing's going to do it. So, no. Faja. Okay, so Sean doesn't have any stand-up coming up. David Borey is here as well. Coolguyjoke77 on Instagram. The G is truly silent on Twitter because he's off that fucking app. I'm done.

Dunzo. How are you doing, buddy? I'm good. What date does this come out? There's just no way to tell. September 30th. Okay, mercil no way to tell september 30th okay this comes out september 30th oh so tomorrow i'm gonna be in des moines iowa for the des moines comedy festival i'm headlining a show what venue i don't know check my instagram it'll say

and then uh you know i got some dates later down the road but i don't have a calendar by me don't worry about that just don't worry come to faded you know listen to all fantasy everything watch james corden's show late late go to sean's yard see what he's doing don't come to my yard go to sean's yard don't come to his yard play on his drums drum line style please don't come play on my drums hit us up for his address we'll give it to you we will give dm it to you yeah it's 69187 on the corner of buck boulevard and dank street santa rea 11's always playing in my room it's it's actually it's actually uh peanuts drum set is that one of the 311 guys if you're gonna come to his yard make sure you come original

let's just get that out of the way right now dan divine is here your man divine on twitter your man divine on instagram your man divine in the cosmos dude your man Your man, Divine, in real life. He is truly your man, Dan Divine. Dan, how are you doing, man? I'm doing well. It is a legitimate thrill to be on this program. I'm a huge fan of it. And also, now Shocker can shut up about being the only guy I know who came on the show like that. He's been like, when are you getting on the show, bud? When are you getting on the show, bud? I was like, I'm getting to it. We're figuring it out. We're working

through it. No, Shaka Saman is a lovely and wonderful person. Shout out to Shaka. Shout out to Shaka, but he just got leg dropped through a press table, dude. I think this is kind of what he gets. He hit me up when he was going to come on the last time for Guinness Book of World Records and he was like, can I do some advanced scouting

for him? What's some records? I was like, yeah, let's look through some shit and he subbed it out he he was like hey i trust you and i was like well you shouldn't because i'm about to air you out on this podcast wow but this is what happens so you do that yeah you know you offer some suggestions because you're trying to help your friends out and then they don't use any of your shit and you're like well okay i guess not only am i not getting like a um you know i'm doing such a good job in this draft and thanks so much to my friend dan divine for his spiritual guidance on this program but like he didn't say shit he didn't say nothing damn thing but uh but no yeah glad to be glad to be following in the footsteps of some giants like shocker on this program shocker i'll say it banned

from the podcast yeah i hate to have it from the podcast it had to be him but listen sometimes it's the way it goes down shocker and who else is on the mike malloy's band from the podcast the rock band uh hundred three thousand whoa whoa whoa whoa we have a list i thought we had three stacks yeah because now it seems like if that's why he hasn't on the podcast. Ah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Barack Obama.

Barry O. No thanks, dude. I mean, he shouldn't have said all those things. And I think he knows that. Yeah, Pam Greer. You know what you did. Yeah, Pam Greer is out. Pam Greer is on the outside looking in.

Yeah. Face pressed up against. Chloe Ann Haley? Yeah. Is that the order you say them in? Hallie, Hallie. Chloe Ann Hallie. Chloe Ann Haley.

And Haley. Yeah, Halle Berry's out too. Halle Berry, Barry Switzer, and Swizz Beatz are all banned. It's tough, but you gotta respect it. You set boundaries, you set limits, and you've gotta stick to them. That's what happens.

All we got in this world are our balls and our words right and this podcast we don't break them for anything i got like 30 pairs of shoes too i got that that's true i got like a bunch also a daughter you have sean i can i can hear you causing a ruckus right upstairs i can i got a bunch of copies of uh dana schwartz's forthcoming novel anatomy a love story which you can purchase now i have three fucking ring lights none of them are on i guess i could turn one on i got a an uncovered light bulb up there you could just see the bulb nice that's what lights this den i got i got two microphones fuck you nots all i need is two mics you got two microphones one for each of you one for each of y'all uh i don't have it i don't really have anything cool to promote um i write for the

ringer.com which is a website that uh covers a lot of things i cover the nba primarily uh nba season is going to be starting up again soon i'm ribbing i'm writing even when it's not in season because that's what the job is. But there will be training camp stuff and preseason stuff and then season stuff. And I write a lot. That's what I do. So if you want to read me talk about the NBA, I do that there. And I guess apparently every once in a while I get to come on here and crap on Shocker.

So keep your ears peeled for that. Watch out for detox. Yeah, fuck you, Shocker. I love Shocker. We just got tacos like a month ago man i know i love shocker too i saw i saw him for drinks this weekend and it was it was very it was also he was very kind and this is another the kind of thing we can talk about um he was like i don't know how often you get to go out do you want to go out drinking i was like i do want to go out drinking and uh we should let me go let me like go

through the procedures and the protocols to make sure that i can clear my schedule for a few hours to go do that uh and then i did that and i did in fact accomplish the goal of getting drunk for shocker hell yes i've accomplished that goal too absolutely i've got i've crossed that finish line oh yeah he is a truly lovely man he really really is a lovely person. I think I've accomplished that goal more than he's accomplished that goal when I've been out with Shaka. I lap him whenever we're hanging out. You know, as the kids

say, it's not a race. Yeah, it is. It always is. Never starts out that way, but it always finishes that way. It's a race to the Postmates app to order Taco Bell. You always get there, though. Oh to order taco bell you always get there though oh my god you always get there so were there a couple people what do you what do you what is now what is i know now i know before i listen what is basketball

uh well you start here with it being can i take this one? David, I wish you would. I wish you would, David. David, could I take this, please? The way of life? Okay. A spiritual pursuit for you, Sean? Sure, yeah. Ever since James Naismith? Naismith? There it is.

There it is. Naismith set out and invented basketball. It's been a way of life for me. A lot of people don't know that he first nailed peach basket to wall in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. It was Sioux Falls. That's why it's such a dominant basketball hotbed and has been for so long. Before the Sky Force took over the city.

That's right. And our hearts. Dan, who's your favorite Sioux Falls Sky Force player? Oh, man. Listen, it's really hard because there's just so many. I'm going to go out and say, I'm going to guess Sundiata Gaines at some point played for the Sioux Falls Sky Forest. It's just the law of averages at a certain point.

So we're going to go with him and we're going to say he is easily my favorite Sioux Falls Sky Forest player of all time. Also, Ginobili started there. A lot of people don't know that. A lot of people don't know that. Larry Ginobili. Not as successful of people don't know that a lot of people don't know that larry ginobili not not as successful not as successful he works the tires tires tires now when you put the last name ginobili on anything other than manu it sounds like the least athletic person ever bruce ginobili my name is jake ginobili no that guy's not a basketball player

kevin ginobili no he does still have the bald spot but he has none of the moves no way he sells tires sean you could try out for the sky force on saturday i will play your plane ticket to go from the live afb fly to sioux fall are you going to come with me because i want to hang out with you. Yeah, I'll go with you. If you're going to try out for the Sky Force, I'll be front row. Listen, I'm not booking the territory, but this feels like Patreon content.

It feels like... Oh, yeah. If you join the $5,000 a month tier, Sean Jordan will play a full season for the Sioux Falls Sky Force. I feel like at this point not me but i think ian has the influence to get you in one season a whole season not just like he's gonna play a game this is gonna be oh i love that sean i love that as a journey for you

also like you know you're a father now you've got to uh you know diversify revenue streams and professional basketball might be another opportunity for you to do that. You've got to have a lot of plates spinning. Yeah, I know it was your fallback career, but you've been successful in your primary. Time to open it up. You guys are putting a lot of wind in my sails. Sure.

Yeah, I'll be a Sky Force. I've got to take a little wind out of your sails. Now your answer about what basketball is, is wrong. Basketball is jazz. That's the only right answer. Basketball is jazz. You just got to get out there and play jazz, bro.

Read Dan Devine's writing on jazz on the ringer.com. The only thing that I don't write about is jazz. I think, I think I've written about every other kind of thing, but jazz, but yes, go for it. Thank you.

Jazz. Do you have a couple of favorite pieces that you want, that you would like to point people towards and anything you've written about every other kind of thing but jazz. But yes, go for it. Thank you. Jazz. Do you have a couple of favorite pieces that you would like to point people towards? Anything you've written that you'd really like people to read? Yeah. So it's bad because one of them isn't basketball. But that's okay. That's great. No, it's wonderful.

So I got to interview Michael Morona and Danny Tamberelli who were Pete and Pete. We did a Nickelodeon week package. Oh, yeah. And I got those guys on Zoom for like an hour and a half. and uh danny tamborelli who were pete and pete we did a nickelodeon week package oh yeah i got those guys on zoom for like an hour and that was very like when can we schedule this you are dads of young kids and we sat but then like it was a friday afternoon and they were like i am not only ready for this like i want to talk to another guy around our age who has kids and like i am cool with talking about like being a child star or whatever like so that was that was a lot of fun we did like a

nickelodeon week package and i did like a long q a with them which was really cool uh so it's cool and they are my editor andrew grudadaro headlined it between two peets which is a lot of fun for me i enjoyed that um and then i'll i will say a basketball thing i did a feature story a little while back on like what it takes to stick around like if you're not a star level guy um star level player you know somebody who is going to get that max deal no matter what like what is it there every year there's 60 draft picks and international guys and dudes coming out of high you know like high school or now like g league at night or whatever what does it take to stick around and carve out a career if you're not a superstar and it wound up being a feature story

called the art of Sticking Around where I talked to like eight or 10 players who had spent more than a decade in the league. And guys like they're just on rosters all the time, but they're not superstars, but they just keep getting work. They keep getting gigs. And it turns out that a lot of the stuff

that makes you employable as an NBA player who's not a star is a lot of the stuff that makes you employable and like a decent person to hang out with in regular life like be cool be fun to have around yeah yeah seriously it's my gun you know like that kind of exactly i remember reading that it was really really good that was fantastic thank you and so yeah that is uh it was called the artist sticking around in the nba and uh there will. I mean, I don't know about more long feature stuff, but I'm going to be writing a lot. As it turns out, I am a writer about the NBA.

And that is something that people are interested in at The Ringer. So keep an eye on theringer.com. What a good website. Writes about jazz. My name is Ian Carmel. At Ian Carmel on Twitter. At Ian Carmel on Instagram. At Ian Carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish uh

this app i downloaded for my sprinkler that i think is over watering my yard which has now became a moral issue yeah that's the thing due to the due to the ongoing drought but we'll see we'll see i'll get to the bottom of it and i don't care who's at the top is it the kind of thing where this like sprinkler like they get rid of all the vowels and it just sort of condenses the letter? Is it? Yeah. Sprinkler. It's no, it's called, it's called honeybee, but that is, it's crazy that it's not.

Oh no, wait. Holy shit. It's called beehive, but it's B dash H Y V E. Oh, beehive. Oh, beehive. Beehive, dude. Anyway, I'll be watering my yard. Come by and look how lush it is.

I don't care. I don't care. Stick me to the wall. Stick me to the wall. You know? Cancel me. All right? Cancel me and I'm going to walk into my yard and lay on the ground.

I don't overwater. I'm afraid I am. I'm afraid I am. All right? You're backing me off. You're backing me off my hard stance. All right? Fine.

Fine. I don't even have a yard. I live in a small, I live in a shoebox with a little roll of toilet paper in it and some sawdust. I'm a tiny mouse. It's the only defensible way to do it. It's the only, you know, you're being a conservationist and we all respect that about you. It's the only ethical consumption under capitalism is living in a very small shoebox with uh one of those bottle water bottles with the little after drip you gotta kind of i put tequila in it yeah yeah consumption you said

it's actually used to be a term uh widely a lot of people thought this that it meant alcoholism did not a lot of people thought that like most people thought that's what it meant it actually means tuberculosis so just so just so you guys don't look like fools out in the world thank you most people almost all of them thought that that was slang for alcoholism back in the day that's a good thing you're so good at jazz dude that's all i'm gonna say i am man somebody said that uh used the to hamster drip for me, and that's how I know that they thought my clothes looked like shit. Yeah, you don't want like a TikTok tween calling you that.

No. Check out old hamster drip. They're hurtful. They're hurtful, and I'm old, and that's how it gets. That's how it goes. Dude, if someone called me hamster drip and I knew they were cool, I'd start crying. Hamster drip. You dress like one of those Kia commercial

gerbils from like five years back. That's right. Yep. Dude, that's basically how they're dressing, man. It's crazy. Tell you what else is crazy. Just the lineup of fun we have on the Late Late Show with James Gordon every night. Make sure you check it out where I am the affable sidekick.

What else is going on? Listen to All Fantasy Everything and that's it. We are gathered here today not only to watch Dan and Sean take a drink at the exact same time. We did, didn't we? But also to draft dad shit, which that might be dad shit. We'll find out. We have two dads here. Dan, I believe this was your idea to draft dad stuff, right? It was.

This was basically a ruthless plug for myself, I think. But it was more like I've been listening. I'm listening to the show regularly, religiously. And Sean's been talking a lot about how his experience of becoming a new father is. And I thought it would be interesting to hear because we're at very different stages of this. I have two daughters. One is seven and one is four. So further along in the process

and what our experiences are like what kind of things he Sean thinks is like represents dad shit as a baby of father of a newborn and what you guys think represents dad shit as guys who are not fathers of children so like I thought that would be an interesting so uh sandbox to kind of play around in and then to uh present myself aggressively as a guest for that that topic you're the elder father yeah the elder father oh man i like i should not like that nearly as much as i did that felt real good coming coming over here thank you david david got a compliment and I didn't so now I'm just a wreck for the rest of the episode

I'm sorry I blew it I don't know how to deal with this now Ian your lawn looks great I've been watering it 6-7 hours a day it is thanks to all those Beyonce fans shout out to what Lil Nas X wore Thanks to all those Beyonce fans.

Shout out to what Lil Nas X wore to the Met Ball today. He dressed like C-3PO and it's fun. That's awesome. That guy knows what time it is. That guy, and I say this like in a good way, that guy's got some shenanigans. Yes. He's got shenanigans and antics and I love it the man is full of antics it is so he is antic he's antic as an adjective also isn't he like six seven maybe

that's awesome i'm pretty sure he's like huge he's just a welcome addition to the zeitgeist i'm glad that guy's around for a while for sure you know we're gonna do some fun stuff but we're not gathered here today to talk about Lil Nas X. We're gathered here to draft dad stuff. We're going to fucking do it. We're going to frigging do it. I don't know why I'm circling the runway for so long. No, you're doing good.

We need to get into it. It's been a long day. It's been a long day, and I'm hot. I had a pitch today. I wore a jacket, even though it was 90. I'm all fucked up. But we're still going to do it. That's good. And you know what, Ian? I but we're still going to do it. That sounds good.

And you know what, Ian? I think you're holding on to it pretty well right now, and I want you to consider this a compliment that you can pair with what David had. And I think that we can maybe get to a more balanced spot with it. There we go. It feels amazing. I feel amazing.

Now, between that and my lush, just dripping yard. It's fertile out there. I feel bad watering it when it's wet, but you've got to keep the cycle going. You've got to water things when you're wet. Yeah exactly it's so green if there's dew on the grass water it again dude that's a healthy marriage that's the key to a healthy marriage and that's what we're talking about here today oh that's what i tell my wife all the time that's right i say i say to her i say you're not wet this This ain't working. Patricia? Patricia, if you're not...

If you're out there, come home. If you listen to this every week and still don't want to come home, I'm begging you. I swapped out all the cedar chips in our little shoebox.

It's so green. i know it's your favorite color please come home our backyard looks like legends of the hidden temple patricia come home please come home i'm here the way we determine the order of that draft is through a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissor shoot. Oh, David wins. How does it happen all the time? Just a clean win. All the time.

Clean rock over two scissors for Sar David Borey. Thank you. David, as the winner of rock, paper, scissors, it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft. But before you do that, I will remind you, it is a serpentine draft. And what is that? That's a great question.

When I was a bartender and a group of people would order shots, I would line up all the shot glasses. I thought this looked really cool. I would line up all the shot glasses, then I would just do all their shots. No, I would line them all up and I would start pouring a little bit. Like if it was like 10 shots of tequila, I'd be like, all right. And I'd start on the left and I'd just pour a little bit all the way over to the right hang out for like half a second and then go all the way back over to the left hang out for half a second all the way back over the right

so just kind of filling them back and forth i don't know why i thought that looked so cool did you do the like a cocktail spin out though like yeah sometimes you know shane not to deviate from this but shane used to be a flare bartender yeah i have a video of it on my phone oh you do anyway so you know you just left to right and then hang out on either side for a little bit do you mean he wore flare jeans what do you shane shane used to wear bootcut jeans and uh he had a cross tattooed on his right arm and those jeans dude that were like those pipes those low pipes that you would get all stepped on so then they had like tendrils coming out of the bottom oh that was such a bad look yo dude it looked like somebody took a gene seed and threw it at

the ground and then it grew they grew out he grew out especially i was living in washington state when that happened so everybody's shit got wet on the bottoms. And then it just, yeah, it was like the bottom of your jeans had dreadlocks. Yeah, dude. A lot of kids in Oregon had that. Ours used to get salt deposits from all the salt, like when they salt the roads in the winter in the Midwest. So you'd get, I don't know, half a foot up your jeans. There'd be what looked like a sweat line, like you would get on a hat,

but that would be around the bottom of your jeans. And it just was insane looking because then your jeans would dry. And like halfway through the school day, you'd just have a little white line, like halfway up your calf going around your jeans. Ridiculous. When's that coming back for the Met Gala? When is that look coming?

Bring it back. As soon as I get invited, bro. Bring back Wednesday, February 9th, 1999 at school. Just bring that date specifically for the Met Gala. Serving.

Just cold and wet and awful. I could probably pin down what I had on. Some brand new white Costins or Muskas, some Fila Swooshy pants, and a yellow

Alpha N numeric shirt i wore that outfit most of my senior year swishy pants as well yeah i had some feel of swooshy pants that i wore for years they were so dope i wish what was dan divine like in high school oh guys we're not here to talk about the past we're here to talk about uh no the honestly one fit oh so uh this was uh catholic high school so it was basically it was like the the kind of one uniform of like button-down shirt khaki pants jacket inside out for sure right uh yeah exactly divine you know but with an eye there it is there it is um but that the thing is so when you did that you kind of had two choices for when you were not

doing the school uniform thing like when you were out just going out it's like either you're going to kind of be broke ass and just wear the school uniform stuff out but with like i don't know like a ball chain necklace or something like that or a wallet chain or something like that kind of thing to be like no no like i'm i fucking rock like you guys don't know this but i actually do um the original blockchain it was peer to peer. That's right. I believe Mars is heavily invested in that. Um,

but, uh, but if you're not doing that, you, then you like might sort of step out into the, like the more reckless brands of, of pants and clothing. Your man might've had a couple of UFO pants,

like the exceptionally large with a cargo pants that you could tie stuff to to jump out of a plane um and that bondage straps yeah you know who didn't like those nuns everybody everybody hated those they thought i looked like shit and they were not wrong about that when i was rocking those but i was like i don't know like like i guess i'm gonna rave is that what happens now and then another did happen my voice got higher and higher and the odds of anything good happening got lower and lower as the pants got wider and wider did you know that they were uh unisex i mean there was there was you know no sex it was like there was no those weren't Those weren't for sexing. Right.

Listen, if there were any women out there who were wearing those, got more power to them, we did not – our paths did not cross at that point. But, yeah, I don't know that I ever saw another – I don't know what happened. It must have been like at Hot Topic or, you know, like in the joke aisle of spencer's gifts and i was wrong or something like that like i did something way wrong about that uh but it happened and multiple friends remember it so i have this is like confession i have to set to bring it up now i have to be honest about that that's what was going on this is my confession it's exactly like i used to wear ufo pants we have all of you of your sins looking like a Jet Set Radio future character in high school.

Basically, what it means is you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. David, with that in mind, what will the order of today's all fantasy everything fantasy draft be? I am going to go Dan, David, Sean, Ian. Dan, David, Sean, Ian. Hot corner. That is the order. Dan, David, Sean, Ian. Dan, David, Sean, Ian. Hot corner. That is the order.

Dan, David, Sean, Ian. Dan Devine, it is time for your first pick. The first pick you've ever made on All Fantasy Everything. And we will get to it right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could,

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hallucinogenic effects. I feel like there's a lot of stigma attached with things like this. But Schedule 35, they're on a mission to de-stigmatize and educate on the science and real-world benefits of psilocybin, of which there are a ton. And they also want to make it accessible for everyone. Each order ships discreetly. No one's going to get in your business. No one's going to be in your kitchen stirring your Kool-Aid. It just comes in a nice little box. And it comes with a microdosing regime that keeps you on track. So you start small. I think that's the key to this. You start small and just let it ride. I know so many people do it. So, so, so many people do it. I don't think you're going to be disappointed. I strongly

advise you give it a shot. And if you do, you get 15% off with code all fantasy at schedule35.co. That's 15% off at schedule35.co and use promo code all fantasy. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to to all fantasy everything the only podcast that has ever existed this is it muchacho this is it as far as podcasts go this is fucking it dana's walking in right now i love it she might want you to think she has a podcast it's called noble blood it doesn't exist i was just thinking i was like you're you're being exceptionally loud i wonder if anybody can hear you like doesn't exist she's afraid of the truth that's what happened there the truth that a yard constantly needs to be watered in order to keep it livable needs to be wet out there it needs to be wet out there it's the truth bro i grew up in oregon i'm used to a certain level

of swampiness when it comes to grass that's fair that's fair you're used to that lush grass she brought me peppermint tea and my gilmore girls uh luke's diner mug that's adorable that's really nice sure is uh oh god so i guess we're back you know this is it as far as podcasts go though i'm on i'm in a weird i'm on a weird one here i don't know i can't get the helicopter to land on my brain but i'll get there it's okay we got time yeah what do you do i'm here all night so this is this works out just great for me i get to leave in a day and a half and come hang out with david and then you in like four days i have so much stuff to do before denver that it seems so far away i'm sorry oh my god this week sucks sucks broken socks well actually right now it's

fucking dope because dan i will help it not suck when i see you i get i'm it's gonna be fun hell yeah you're gonna make it blow come on if we don't have our humor, what do we have? What do we have, Bubba? I have nothing then. Play your cards right. You're going to have a mouth shot. I didn't say no.

I'm just saying. Oh, my God. De-stitch the hat. You come give me a mouth shot. Does anyone, would kids know what I was saying? Definitely don't ask kids. Don't ask kids if they know what a mouth shot is. Don't find out.

Live with that mystery. Do not ask them ever. Live with that mystery. Dan Devine, you have the first pick in the dad stuff, all fantasy, everything draft. What will that first pick be? So I mentioned earlier, I'd recently gone through shockers picks with him.

I had a similar experience where I talked with my wife. She was sort of my advanced scout on this because I wanted to make sure I was being true to what my experience is. And no one knows that better than her. She says, well, listen, if you get the chance to pick first, you have to. There's only one thing that makes sense. And it is taking longer than is necessary in the bathroom. It is.

It is long poops for privacy it is bringing your phone in there to pee um dude i've had laura ask me why she's like why are you grabbing your phone i'm like don't don't worry about it yeah i've had seriously why like going in the bathroom she's like you need your phone i go i mean so yeah i want so my my answer to that is like listen you guys are out here like you're out on the other side of that door and listen sometimes you just need a minute you know and sometimes that's like i'm gonna check a fantasy score sometimes that is like you just oh i haven't uh you know i did not send that email i'm supposed to send earlier today. Give me just like two minutes. And then two minutes depends on what side of the door you're on. But you got to find breathers where you can take them. And that is one place where it's like almost acceptable to take them.

And then it's like turning a 10-minute break at work into a 15, right? Yeah, totally get it. Just stretch it out as best you can. And I don't know if that is uniform to every dad experience but i think it's more common than not and it's certainly my uniform to the ones on this show my friend i bring i bring my phone into the bathroom that's my favorite when i'm peeing is my favorite time to check instagram because you're just yeah and then you're like i never stand up and pee anymore daryl bought a boat and then you like wait what wait wait that's not what i'm saying

that's not what i said you check your phone while you're standing up and peeing yeah oh no way i always sit down at home always really i never stand or stand up and go to the bathroom ever then you have to shake it in the toilet isn't it easier for the shake if you're standing there is a comfort there's a comfort component to it there's a cleanliness component to it if you're going to wind up having to clean later it's that kind of like i i it's not an all the time thing for me but i see where sean's coming from on this well in our so our room upstairs has one of those angles so i have to sit upstairs in our upstairs bathroom wait what wait what i don't understand why you have it's got like one of those attics you know how the ceiling can like angle real close to the wall like if you're up in an a-frame you'd be hunched over yeah i gotta lean to the side so i always sit up there so i've just

taken to sitting sean you were telling me you submerged the head of your penis under the water and then pee so there's no splash yeah i like to see if i can make it bubble i complain a lot too i'm like why isn't the toilet water higher why is the the water mark is not where i need it to be to get my whole penis in there to pee you launched the torpedoes while the submarine is still fully submerged yeah yeah yeah well you guys pee into the water like it's no no no what yeah get your bad dude get to get your bad dude under the water level and then go what's the longest you've do you stay in the bathroom until your legs fall asleep are we at that level what's the i mean that's certainly

that's certainly happened that has absolutely happened um would i say i'm proud of that not as ashamed of that as i probably should be but yeah i don't think you should be ashamed no i mean my my like sarah's not in the room right now so i can be like you know i'm not really ashamed of that that's completely fine as far as i'm concerned as as a like partner situation probably not ideal probably not doing the most helping i could in that situation but uh yeah sometimes sometimes you just need to take a little bit of a break and that's a good place to find one how much private time did did you need before you were a parent for this for both you and sean how much like alone time did you need or did were you accustomed to taking i would say i think well

this is part of of like the and maybe your experiences like this too because you're of stand up and traveling and stuff like that like i'm writing most of the time i'm like home alone working right or like if i'm out if i'm on the road doing you know like covering games or whatever that's mostly solitary except for when it's social at the event so like there was built-in alone time to a lot of that so i didn't feel like i needed to take a whole lot of extra i didn't necessarily need to expand the bathroom trips um and then when there was sort of constant uh company you know that uh needs stuff a lot of the time constant need relentless need um uh you you you expand the breaks a little bit and then you you try to find the pockets of alone time where they might exist no i dude if i have too many people at my house i'll take a

shit for 30 minutes yeah yeah just like oh god they've been here for six hours no i've gone to bed i i found that like i had plenty of alone time that i didn't need before this and so it was never really an issue i never thought like i gotta i need some alone now for sure you have to so i uh yeah i i don't know no day, I take. That's my biggest fear. I need a lot of alone time. It's a wild transition that I didn't, and hopefully, I imagine most parents with their first kid aren't quite ready for zero time where you're not,

you're always responsible for this thing and it's like it's of course you are because it's a brand new baby they gotta eat breathe i mean they don't know what they're doing but so in my mind i was like of course i'm gonna be i'm gonna need to be around all the time but you need to be around every second and like the older they get like now she needs to be stimulated every second so if she's awake she's never just chilling yes it's always like always you have to be like it's not like hard but it's well whatever i don't want to dive too much in but she's never just like flipping through like fucking like vanity fair like oh dude i think about this hotel in Cabo looks beautiful.

It's funny because I used to think I was busy and, you know, and I was, it's perspective. I was, but like me personally, I never, I haven't had a, like a full-time job and for, you know, such a long time. So no, I wasn't busy, but I thought I was until this. You perceived yourself as busy before you had the baby? Yeah. I'm saying, yeah, you didn't have to say what you said. I was already saying it.

So I was sticking it to myself. I understand that some of us are just busier than others. Totally get that. Kind of what I was saying. I would think like sitting in traffic for an hour and then going skating, I considered busy. And like having to watch Fridayiday night lights again i was like well no i

have to if i don't finish the episode i started last night would you would you say you went from busy to crazy and then to flesh yeah then to wishing and yeah and then to and then to what's the other late lazy's the only one we missed oh shit then i went then i'm no i'm not lazy yet i'll be lazy be lazy in the bathroom when you take an extended bathroom break look at you there we go yeah there we go this is this is you know what i think happened is i'm off my game because I detected someone who could just jump in there and land this plane. Oh, that could be it. I think it really will be it. I don't think you're off your game.

You had a pitch today. I would agree with Sean. I'd also say it's a dangerous game, Carmel. I don't know that I would be trusting me to do that in this situation, but I appreciate the confidence. You're a father. I trust you a lot. Why don't you trust me? You have no idea how fucked up my kids are, though. What? you're a father i trust you a lot why don't you trust me you have no idea how fucked up my kids are though what you're a new father how long before you trust

me david six months okay if as soon as that kid can walk talk and wipe its own i will trust you wipe its own all right i do have that i have So there we go. It's going to be longer than six months, my man. Walk, talk, and wipe its own sounds like you're like, you know, we're a code. You know what I mean? We're not family, but we're family. You know what I mean? I need men.

I need men. I need soldiers on the street. I need men who can walk, talk, and wipe their fucking own. You understand me? That's what I need. Yes, I understand. David Borey, time for your first pick. Not a father.

Not a father. Let's call that a pregnant pause. Pregnant pause. Soon to be a father. I'd rather not even say the word just in case. I'm taking, I'm taking, I have like my chair in the living room does that make sense yeah like my like don't anybody sit in it it's my chair that's where i sit after a hard day of work i sit down i look at the tv i watch documentaries about the danbury trashers that is that is a huge thing like

when i think about my dad one of the things that i think about is like oh yeah no dad's chair in the corner like there it was that recliner and you do not get in that fucking chair like you leave that chair alone it's in the corner you guys want to see it i can show it to you i think pat jordan was a big boy so he had a couch he didn't have a chair he had a couch that was his oh that's i always forget your father was a giant he did he had a couch he he he had a couch we had other places to sit but when he was chilling if he was chilling the way he wanted to be chilling he was laying on the couch because he was too big to really sit he never just sat down on it because he was too big to really sit he never just sat down on it

because he was too big for it so he always laid down your dad was like six six six seven right six six three fifty most of it so like big wheeze yeah my dad was a little bit he was like six three three ten something like that yeah it was like uh and then like all my older brothers with the exception of my the one right above me all of them were like shot past six foot like six three six four six five and then me and kevin just kind of rolled up around like five nine and a half and it's like mom you blew it you blew it for us mom the jeans crapped out because i know i know they were in there i know that was there and then here we go and they knew it my older brothers were like it's it's not going to

happen for you it's just not you're not going to get to six and i was like you're like 36 and you're like i am though yeah i'm gonna get to six feet you guys are i've been i probably will i've been stretching and i think i'm getting like an extra quarter there i think it's i think it's coming for me i think it's coming for you with modern medicine the doctor said i will have a growth spurt when i'm 38 and I will hit six feet tall. I'm going to do Gattaca shins and I'm going to get there. It's going to be extra big. And I'm going to do real well.

Gattaca shins sounds like a dance move that a choreographer would yell out. And Gattaca shins and Gattaca shins and Gattaca shins and Fosse hands. Yeah, man, I got my chair up there right now. Yeah, I was going to gonna say you gotta have one now ivan carmel was a it was a couch layer sometimes too he didn't have his own chair but he didn't have his own house my parents divorced split up so he had like a variety of chairs he can move around they're all my chairs they're all his chairs the man of many chairs it just goes sit in a different chair and you're like, my chair. That's my chair too.

And that's my chair. Sits in the kitchen. My stool. My kitchen. My chair. My counter. This is my Bob Seger collection. My Hollywood nights.

I'm the rambling gambling man. That's my car that's going to get rep repossessed i'm thinking about my dad now i i need a chair dana my my fiance my fiance is very anti-lazy boy she think i think i think she thinks it's kind of declut day class a or whatever the word is i want one so bad you do agree with her i do agree with her yeah they have these hybrid ones though that you can get it like cb2 and shit yeah that don't look lazy boy but have like lazy boy type qualities you know i'm saying i all my by couch and my not love c but kind of i don't know what it is they're both cb2 and cb2 can't do shit for me man that is not a comfortable piece of furniture i enjoy okay my house is full of cb2 shit but that furniture in my limited experience is not mad comfortable

is that the couch in the chair that i know the green chair and the and the like the gray couch or whatever those are cb2 yeah if you put a lazy boy the one that i'm thinking of if you put that in your living room it does not go it just doesn't hold on i'm looking at the new lazy boys the shit they got out the new shit and it's no it's exactly the same as yeah that's crazy what about it's it's it's they haven't changed what about the crazy boys can i get one of those those crazy boys crazy boys dude get yourself a busy boy get the uh virgil abloh lazy boy just yeah what about the fleshen boys are those uh they have some that kind of look mid-century modern kind i feel like that the way that you have to pull off a lazy boy version is

just by having like a chaise on your couch right like just yeah that's like the the modern version of a lazy boy i'll tell you what happens when i have a kid i just fucking get there's just a lazy boy in there one day yeah well when you dude when you have doesn't doesn't matter when you have a kid because it's like having nice shit all you have to been going through i don't know what's picks and what's not but like well you do your pick is next so we could get to it yeah it is your pick this ain't gonna be it but um should i go well because it's like you just nice shit just uh i'll wear i'll pick this since we're going uh if this counts as a pick i wasn't going to but

it leads into what i'm saying um how should i even say Realizing that your nice things aren't going to be that nice anymore. Can that be a pick? Oh man, is that scary? Yes, my couch specifically, I don't want to sound like a prick and I can't imagine I will, but we spent a lot of money. We spent like 3,500 bucks on a couch. That's what couches cost.

That doesn't sound crazy, right? So we had a custom made couch and everything and then, you know, I don't want to spill on it. Your couch had, because your custom made couch, sorry to interrupt you you you had like a neon kit it was ground tvs in the dash there were tvs in the dash it's got nosh on it i actually bought the vial of blood that billy bob thornton had around his neck that belonged to angelina jolie

that was the first and only on purpose spill on the couch. So I spilled that on purpose. You spilled it in the shape of a rising Phoenix. Yeah. Well, actually what I did is I, and this is kind of wild. I got some purple food coloring. Now this is true. This is true. I got some poop.

Some poop. I got some poop. Did you see all of our faces just went poop? He said poop on accident. Four four grown men and that's how you know it's good i accidentally said poop and they all lost their mind i got some poop i got some purple food coloring uh for half of this and i got some green food coloring and what i did was i mixed the blood with both of those and I put them in separate bowls and then I spilled them each on the couch.

Joker face, dude. Twisted. Now my couch is a low rider. No, but realizing your nice things aren't going to be that nice anymore. So our couch got milk on it the first day she was on it and i'm just like well okay i can't get upset and then no i don't know what two days later or something i was walking and i got mud all over like a brand new pair of shoes because i had to walk like i

had to avert her in the stroller because a falcon had swooped down and grabbed her yeah an owl tried to get her dude and owls and me do not get along long before Max. I've been saying that. Long standing bee. I know that about you. Much like the lichens and the vampires. But it's been with me and the owls. But yeah, just realizing your nice shit might not be that nice.

And you have to be okay with it because you can't be you can't be the dad that like pulls your daughter's shoulder out of her socket because there's a stain on the couch, you you know so you just gotta understand that shit's gonna get unnice the cool thing is when even it's when like you're you don't have nice stuff we didn't really have very nice stuff anyway but like yes then it just gets banged up but like when it happens to something you just kind of have to be like, you're almost like impressed. My daughter, my younger daughter, when she was, you know, an infant newborn, I was breast,

you know, I was not breastfeeding her. That would have been really problematic. When I was bottle feeding her, when I was paternity leave every morning for like a week, she just like blew out a diaper and then would blow out through everything around it. So it's like pants swaddle blanket whatever for a week straight she shit my pants like i have like i had to take those off and switch up and clean those because she shit through everything and me it's like a bullet going through like all the you know the the drywall and the metal and everything it's like that corn video but with shit baby shit it was exactly like that corn video but with shit and now i understand you're

like okay well i guess all my clothes are gonna be like that now and you're just gonna yeah i kind of gotta get cool with it like it's gonna be yucky all your collars get stretched out like i have clothes that i wear when i know i'll be i guess just handling her so like now i have i have going out t-shirts now which i I never thought I was going to have, but I'm like, these are untouched collars. I texted these dudes the other day that she pooped so hard. I had to take my shirt off because she just pooped on.

When that happens, do you feel like a freak on a leash? I feel like a freak on a leash a lot, man. Da boom, doc, Don, the he,

na, he, na, he, na, he, na, he,

na, he, na, he, na, he, na, he,

na, he, na, That is the sound you make when you're like, um, boom, bop, boom,

boom, bop, Whenever I change your diaper i just every side but that's how they teach it that's how they i mean like that that's like a mommy and me class yes that's like dr spock that's from dr spock you go to the hospital and they're like all right so here's how you swaddle and here's this here is the intonation that you got to go for you got to have it and that calms them it calms them much like corn records calmed many many young men in the late 1990s you know it was the calming influence i think they also i think they also riled up a lot of young they didn't calm anyone

down i'll tell you that a lot of dark ways yes so yeah realizing your nice your nice stuff might not be nice anymore yeah that's a good pick i think it's tough real pick is what it is uh time for my pick also not a father ian carmel uh so my first pick is going to be war wait what is dad shit dad i get it like being a war buff like a war buff they just love war they love world war stink i stink i can tell you anything about a war that's a good dad's love war world war ii the civil war specifically those two ivan carmel knows so much about war that i'm worried he knows something's coming he's talked to me about war he's brought it up before we've had a talk about war that i'm worried he knows something's coming he's talked to me about war he's brought it up before we've had a talk about war and i'm like oh yeah what am i doing

he'll talk about the korean war that's where i don't know anything about i don't know why we did it i know where we did it but only because it's in the name he knows about it he probably knows what god like guadalcanal is i don't know what guadalcanal is. I don't know what Guadalcanal is. So this is one of those things where if you are not a war dad and you are talking to a war dad, you are like, I need to get out of here immediately because. Oh man. Because I'm like, I can't rise to the level of this conversation. I mean, I can be interested in ask questions and be like a good conversationalist, but I have nothing to offer here.

And so if i don't dip i'm gonna be here for straight up six hours learning like an entire ken burns documentary because this war dad is not gonna stop this war dad's on a rampage you i i think i think you guys will become war dads because as far as i know every dad eventually becomes a war dad you don't have like a ton of free time right now to be reading the longest day or the novelization of the film the big red one or like whatever it is that dads read watching the fog of war a 900 page david mccullough meditation on the war of 1812 or like whatever the fuck it is because your kids are young but i bet when they get older you're just gonna find yourself i could see i was at uh zack's one

time and it was when vietnam and color just came on netflix and he walked in his his apartment by the way he walked in terrible and living color reboot yeah he was asking who would watch it and i was like i just was doing it before you walked in i was i was i was watching it it's all watch vietnam and color dude absolutely the shit yeah man yeah the shit yeah and i was i was i was watching it oh i'll watch vietnamic color dude absolutely the shit yeah man yeah the shit yeah and i do i do have to say though even though i am not a ward dad that it was on the board like it is it is i just crossed it off the board and clad and did a little clap here on my own like it is a strong dad pick like whether you are a dad or not it is arguable that that is part of the like if you were making like a crest of arms

you know a little cannon would be on there like it is part of the the whole vibe dads love war they just fuck i haven't i can't i can't really get into i can't fully articulate how much ivan carmel loves war he plays call of duty he loves war so much wow one line he does he does he's living he's a 66 year old jewish man he's an attorney and he plays no scope noobs on he's no scope of noobs he's good at it my dad is good at call of duty it's fucking crazy that's how much he loves war now i'm gonna take a pick this normally wouldn't be my second pick but it has it it's it's of a part with my first pick it goes hand in hand with war and my second pick is not caring okay it's renting or streaming a movie not really having heard anything about that movie not not caring about the hype

not saying oh i heard this was good and we need to watch it. Just seeing a movie and watching that movie and putting it on. My stepdad was so ass at the video rental store. He would just grab shit. Like, what did you, why did you get this? It's got Rutger Hauer in it. Exactly. It's always got Rutger Hauer in it or somebody like that. Only dads think that he's famous.

My dad got, we were in Phoenix one time. My dad goes and rents Dude, Where's My Car? And he's like, I figured you guys would like this. And we're like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Dude, Where's My Car?

I mean, I probably like it now, but I'm just saying. I'm sure that I saw a lot of movies with my dad. The only one I specifically remember is it was like a wednesday afternoon i get home from school and he's like gonna go see highlander three and i was like what what he's like yeah it's uh you know it's highlander three they got uh swords and uh it's mario van peoples

and you're like dad yeah mario van pe. Mario Van Peebles is in these movies. Yeah, you love the movie Posse? Like, what are you talking about? Although maybe that goes back to like a, at some point he saw like one Mario Van Peebles movie on like a Saturday afternoon on WPIX and was like, well, gotta check out more of this guy's work. He's like, pretty good.

I'm like, Dad, you don't like like any of the things that this is about like science fiction he's like i don't know something to do on an afternoon let's go up it's so weird but like it's a beautiful way to live your life too because like it is every now and then we'll we'll see a movie that i wouldn't have watched we'll be like i don't know if it was this but like or like wow i really enjoyed The Last Castle. You know what I mean? Or like some movie with Casper Van. That's a dad-ass movie. That's a little dad-ass movie.

That's how I saw Swingers. My dad made me watch Swingers way before I wanted to because he thought it looked funny. And he was right. But then like a month later, he made me go to Reindeer Games and he was wrong. They're not always with w's those are great those are great movies i'm i'm those don't quite fit into the exact kind of thing i'm talking about because like a dude wears my car or like a swingers because those were both like kind of big movies i mean like it's got casper van dean in it you know what i mean violin have you ever seen that movie i haven't but that sounds about

right samuel l jackson d cut it's like yeah yeah samuel jackson might be in it it's like this i just looked this up it's called the omega code and casper van deen and michael air insider in it you can't you can't convince me that's not like a board game from 1993 like it might i'm not i'm not positive what the the uh ip is on that but it sounds dark dude it's it's it's it's amazing my dad we we did it the other day he like put on a movie that was about like two border patrol officers and it ended up being great and i never would have watched it and he just picked it him coming home from blockbuster was a fucking adventure every time he'd pick me up for his weekend in his car and there'd be like three vhs's or dvds you know when it got there and

you'd pick them up and you're like i've heard of none of these i don't know what the fuck is it i've heard of none of these dude which one do you want to watch i could pick or i couldn't let's just watch one let's watch all we're gonna watch all three just go ahead um and he was right it's about so many of them you know you gotta fucking you gotta take a chance at sean jordan dude what's your pick i'm getting jealous man because you're these are i'm in this i'm in the current like life of being a dad and i'm picking all these things that are like things that you do when you're a brand new dad. I want to pick what you're doing. Do whatever you want.

You can pick some aspirational picks, man. I didn't make my list like that, so I'm going to think of some, but my second pick is just going to be currently what I'm doing is stroller walks. I go on like three a day. It's the new

thing that I do. Now that she's... Because she wasn't cool in the stroller for like the first month and I was terrified that I wasn't going to be able... I was like, oh my god, am I not going to be able to stroll her around the neighborhood? Because I've been looking forward to it. I really was

looking forward to that. And then one day she was just cool with it and so now we go on like three a day taking a little lady on a constitutional dude i love it we got that bob stroller it is dank and there's just this whole difference the bob stroller it's like an aggressive stroller it's like what we've got shocks on it and shit it's the three wheel with the big wheels they're like like i don't know what foot foot diameter what's the all the way across diameter they're like the gravedigger of a stroller yeah it's like a gravedigger stroller for sure they got shocks you can bounce them they got all kinds of pockets you could take it to the

market dude it's dang it's got kenny chesney blasting whether you like it or not what curb i have no idea what curb you're talking about i'm just eating them up man this thing's hungry stroller walks dude stroller strolls walker strolls yeah stroller walking man stroller walking and michael ironside we're in con air seven that's a dad movie damn dude that is con air seven starring dolph lundgren dude dolph lundgren stroller walker stroller walker would be a great what paul should have named his kid i'm trying to think of my dad's dad movies like a million to one was one that he made me watch back in the day um clean and sober an old michael keaton joint that i realize now is my dad telling me something without telling me

i shouldn't have laughed at that i'm sorry dad son i don't want to talk to you i'd rather let michael keaton do the talking for me if you can sit down for a couple hours i mean the logic is fairly bulletproof it kind of it's you know like i'm gonna enjoy this and i'll maybe i'll learn something by the end of it yeah um edutainment stroller walk million nawan is a is a paul rodriguez movie you better believe it is paul rodriguez senior man i didn't even know he had a movie he's a famous he's he had a bunch of movies didn't he he? Really? I think so. I don't know. I mean, he was of the era where if you were a comedian, you just got movies and shows just because you were a comedian.

Fuck. A good one. Anyway, Stroller Walks. Love it. Absolutely looking forward to it when I had a kid. Do it all the time. I'm going to be bummed when she's too old. I'm going to try to stroll her to school.

She's not going to be having it, so I'll have to drive her. We'll cross that bridge when we come, old. I'm going to try to stroll her to school. She's not going to be having it. So I have to drive her across that bridge when we come. But she'll be able to walk. Yeah, Max, you can go on a date with a boy or a girl, whoever you're into. But I'm going to be strolling the both of you. So I'm going to stroll you to the movie theater and you're going to watch the new Michael Ironside Casper Vandian movie and I'll hear nothing else. Dave Borey. Time for your second pick. This is a weird one,

but I had never felt this before recently. It's like, how do I explain it? Like an active interest in amateur sports. Like I see. So my buddy, so my buddy recently, he recently got sober Interest in amateur sports? Like, I see. That's how you explain it. So my buddy recently, he recently got sober, and he's been playing in a rec football league.

Okay. And I go to, we have ourselves a nice little Sunday. I go to watch him play. Then we go have a bunch of Pete's Kitchen. And, like, watching those games, that feeling, I've never had that. I've i've never like i've never watched sports and been like well you gotta pass it to him once like like i never like like i want it to be fair i don't care about the score i'm like how is he doing oh he almost got one you just want your

buddy to get some play yeah and like if he drops a catch i'm like oh man he's gonna be so bummed about that like just that whole idea of being invested in sports on like a different level is uh is yeah i think that might be a dad thing he's your he's your little league kid it's stressful it's stressful watching him play i do like though that david your response to that is like oh man he's gonna be bummed out about that. I got to build him up. Like, you're thinking about a really positive place and not from like, I'm going to go stab a fucking ump. Like, you're kind of because it's like, because it's like, listen, bless his heart. My little boy's not going pro.

You know what I mean? We're just here to learn self-esteem. All right. How to work on a team. Right. Yeah. The game's supposed to be fun. These other parents.

And there are other people out there, because I'm on the sidelines with all the girlfriends, and they are not nice. They're, like, mad aggressive and kind of shitty, you know what I mean? So I'm just like, yeah. But yeah, taking an active interest in non-professional sports i love it as the uh as

the son of somebody who had to have known their child wasn't going to go far in sports it was so funny the couple times my dad came to a game i remember one time i cut my finger and it was it was right like when no blood anywhere if you had any blood you had to come off the field because of aids and it was brand new and they just would not let blood so i cut my finger you could barely see it shauna's 58 i come running off the field and my dad like actively swearing on the sidelines telling me to get the fuck back in the game because i they only put me in for the charity quarter they had to put every kid in for one quarter at least and my dad was just like get the fuck back in the game and i was like my finger's bleeding did the splits

i'm so i'm so glad that story came back on an episode i'm on that makes me sorry yeah no dad wasn't there for that but that happened can i hey sean can you do the splits can i and then i'm already doing them and they said all the things that you think a football team would say in about 1996 to me i wasn't gonna ask for it but it's just nice that looks great i'm proud of you way to be you're really flexible that's cool you guys want to go out to where in the world is Carmen Sandiego on public broadcasting? Sean, you can do the splits, right? We're going to think it's cool, so do them.

Oh, man. I read The Fountain Hood because it was a sign, but then Atlas Shrugged just for fun. Atlas Shrugged. Kid stuff. Standard. Yeah. You know, high school. High school shit. Like, just smart high school high school shit like yeah just smart high school kid shit yeah how many teachers do you guys have coffee with every weekend

oh hell yeah i can't i have to make a bundt cake for for the cuban club after this i don't know i'm just thinking of that extracurricular just stop and just like you know i love my mom all right let's what's what's the play now we can say that right we can all admit that to each other moms are great i was after school i got detention one time and it was me and these two bad girls they were always bad they were bad they're still bad and we're standing out there and they were like, they were bad girls. And they were like, they go, oh, is your mom coming to pick you up? I bet you love your mom.

And I was like, of course I love my mom. What the fuck are you talking about? And they started clowning on me. And I was like, it's my mom, dude. She's lovely. I'm in trouble. And here she is picking me up. I got it.

You got to love her. Well, you should ask where their moms were well i look back and i'm sure their moms were nowhere to be found or it was a bummer situation and i was like no my mom is mad that i'm failing sixth grade but she's you know i love her she's not stoked i'm talking to you harlots bad girls they were bad girls i pictured the way you describe these girls i picture them like leather jackets smoking cigarettes fingerless gloves keep picturing well fingers on the gloves but dancing as they talk like oh there's sean what are you doing in here bad boy tell me about it stud yeah cigarettes cleavage cross colors like you know not think that was going to be the third thing, but all right.

Sounds like a TLC video. Yeah, yes, but not TLC. They were bad girls. Condoms over the eyes, big pants. Big, big pants. Just a real anger toward Andre Rison. Just a lot happening. Yeah, I hate Andre Rison.

Left eye burnt the house down. Keep it in your pants, Andre. Oh, man. Dan Devine, time for your second and third picks as it is a serpentine draft all right um this is very again not uh not something to brag about but easy and constant defensible access to kids menu items you can you can always have chicken nuggets, man. You can always have like a sweet potato fries. Cause that's like a vegetable sort of, you can always be at like a little bit of hot dogs. Like they're not going to finish all of it.

You know, expand that out. Like, so my, today was the first day of school for my two daughters and we're packing the lunches and I'm like, all right, I'm going to give them a granola bar here and then I'm just going to pocket one for me. You know, like that one's going to come with me for later. Just when I walk over to the bedroom, I'm not really going anywhere, but like that's just going to come.

I'm going to have that because we are stocked on those and that's just going to be something that we keep around. It's always like there's the flip side of that too is they, because they're small and sometimes they are, you know, picky eaters and sometimes they're just small and they don't eat everything. You just like, you just come up, man. You just come up on like a half a happy meal and you're like, all right, this is a pretty good day. Yeah. That's pretty cool. Like, what am I going to throw it away? I'm not an asshole. Of course. Yeah. I'm not going to, I'm not going to sit here and waste food waste food i'm just gonna stand there over the sink and eat a whole bunch of macaroni and cheese nobody look at me i mean so that's what i'm gonna do later and uh it's really just me

being uh a good partner who's making sure that i'm not leaving a whole bunch of dirty dishes in the in the drain that's really that's good dad stuff really just a responsible custodian of mother earth truly i mean listen i didn't say i'm a hero but that i i feel like you're moving in that direction and i appreciate that yeah so kid hands and mouths get less gross when they're yours right oh kid hands that's a good question it's a really good question they're nasty yeah man i don't know max is drooling and it grosses me out yeah no no that's that that's fair it's not like pies cool on window sills around that's on you dude oh how else are the burglars gonna know where the mark is man

it's a whole it's a whole symbiont circle i will say so drool well there's there's really no good way to do this so let's just get right into it i guess it depends on what the gross thing is drool doesn't get any better ever but like you have to make a certain level of peace with i'm just gonna be touching crap i'm gonna be touching like there's just gonna be around that's like gross to me on stuff that's not gross it's just the drool that's gross is it because of the texture of the drool i think so it's viscose or whatever the word is and it's like drool does have a gross like the texture is that's what grosses me out about other people's kids you guys are saying drool is that short for drew hill the band or something else drool carry dude if so i think in this i'm gonna i'm really to try to have this make sense. I think drool,

when there's pee and poop, there's supposed to be pee and poop around your butt and where you pee from, so it's not gross to me. When drool comes out, your mouth isn't always supposed to be producing wet stuff that comes out of it. So to me, that's gross. I tried to have that make

sense. No, it does. It definitely does. It definitely does. Like when poop comes out of your butt, I'm like, yeah, well, poop came out of your butt. That it definitely does like when poop comes out of your butt i'm like yeah well poop came out of your butt that's fine when drool comes out of your mouth i'm like wet stuff doesn't always come out of your mouth so that's gross to me it does yeah i mean i think it's also just like that is like you can love someone and still not be psyched if they're spitting on you like that's not you know like right right just like listen like you know we're in a society here like i don't need you doing that to me and i gleeked on my uncle one time and i i shit you know gleek is we do a little tongue spin i've never seen anything like it so i gleeked on him he threw he threw me on the bed he was gonna hit me he

cocked his arm back and everything i was 14 he was grown man and he cocked back to hit me and my dad got up and like predatored his aunt like did this and stopped him so my uncle and my dad that had locked biceps at this point and then my uncle turns around he's like what the fuck are you doing and my dad's like you're gonna deck him and then bill goes bill goes he fucking spit on me and then my dad's like whoa and he looked at me and i was like what doesn't mean you're gonna let him hit me and then my grandpa slammed a bottle of jack he was in the corner of the hotel room we're at a hotel room it was a family reunion he slams a bottle down this is a family reunion story yeah he goes boys knock that shit off and

they were like sorry dad it was crazy and the whole time i'm 14 on the bed like he almost hit me like i was a grown-up in a pool hall because i yeah i gleeked on him i shouldn't have but did you gleek on him oh you gleeked on him and on purpose yes but it doesn't mean oh doesn't mean yes yeah i can't control the gleek like that you don't get to break my nose i will say one thing though one line i've always drawn in the sand you really can't be spitting on a grown man. If a grown-up spits, sure. If a kid spit on you, David, you're not going to. 14 is old enough to know that.

You're wrong. I will say that I think you're in the wrong on that one. I like, yeah, that's like, that was a 14. Because if you'd have done that to another 14-year-old, you'd have beat your ass, right? No, I would have beat their ass. I wouldn't spit on a 14- old i couldn't take but you decided to spit on a grown man it's my uncle i bet your uncle wasn't also was i was he six six 350 i bet he was also big if not that big he was

a big boy but he wasn't as big but i can tell your uncle doesn't sound like the guy to spit on no they the jordans were not spit on me dudes now it's like house words in game of thrones goes like you know we're not spit on me dudes it's pretty strong all the lannisters pay their debts and we're not spit on me dudes uh kids menu item access excellent pick and your third pick dan uh i'm really painting a wonderful picture of my fathering um the low expectations you go out in the world as a dad say you have so i have two children two girls i go out in the world as a dad and people are like dad of the year right there i took him out to the playground they're on the swings they're running around he's

he's making sure that you know they go okay let me get a wipe you're you know your hands are getting dirty like come you come over here if a mom was doing the same thing it would just be like no one would even blink because the expectation is that moms are going to do everything and dads are never going to do anything so like you show up for one thing and it's like that guy's amazing that's what i know i'm not the first person to slice this bread but that's exactly like when a dad just sticks around it's called stepping up they're like well he stepped up and he's being a dad and when it's and we seriously we just talked about this last night because when a mom is doing it you're like well yeah she's a fucking

mother and it's people almost get defensive when you even entertain the idea that a mom might bail but when the dad sticks around they're like my god this put an s on that guy's chest he's stepped up this fucking hero right here he's stepped up and that guy is doing the exact same well there's no possible way he's doing just a little bit less work than his wife but this guy is a hero no that is for sure right you're like i didn't guys i didn't know we had superman in the park today yeah the big word the step up like well you know sean stepped up and he's gonna raise that daughter's like yeah no fuck as if that's not like so that's almost like a requirement yeah i have to the government

says i have to pay her money if i don't so i should probably step up also it was it was kind of the idea like we we kind of we had a we had a conversation about what we wanted our lives to look like and how we wanted it to all unfold and that involved us intentionally having children and so i like knew that at some point i was probably going to have to bring them to a swing set and just kind of like chill for a minute and it's cool that you guys all are looking at that like that is a uh a wild uh achievement or some kind of a remarkable sacrifice um but it was it was the it was the plan and uh and that sorry go ahead oh no my mom just visited and she even commented because i you know i'm just with max like try to we try to be as even as we can and my mom said she's like you're just such a good dad like and then she said that my stepdad didn't really she's like he didn't really

take alex all that much my sister and i was like what what why why because he this is a whole so i just i can't believe that a guy having a job say like in the 50s or probably even now to a lot of assholes but like a guy having a job for eight hours a day was considered equal to a woman raising the kids and doing everything else like some guy having to go fuck and put doors on a chevy for eight hours was equal to everything else that you have to do with her 12 hour job dude it's three full-time jobs no joke it's three shifts of eight hours a day and just these fucking shitty dudes who uh and it trust me they're part of me in the first like month or two with max i was like in my head i go i do understand why somebody would leave like i i get the thought process that would lead somebody

to leave because it's like the hardest mental test you're going to go through but then you're like well like i've said i got a ton of knucklehead friends that have done this and if they can do it i can show you yeah you you do start a lot lesser men than you have done it for sure tattooed on their stomach and they did it twice you you start realizing a lot lesser men than you have done it for sure tattooed on their stomach and they did it twice you you start realizing how little you think of some of your friends in that moment it's like it's like four o'clock in the morning and you're walking around your apartment singing some made-up song to try to get him to sleep and you're like i mean if this fucking idiot could make this happen how come i can't figure it out it's a converse for me when i saw

sean when i when when you were like texting me being like oh i'm having you know it's a converse for me when i saw sean when i when when you were like texting me being like oh i'm having you know it's really hard i'm like fuck if sean's having trouble he's like one of the best guys i know i'm gonna be i'm gonna be like on a bus to fucking santa fe like that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me thank you and it's like, I've never had to lean on my friends or like, I've never waited with such baited eyes before, like, uh, just to get a return text to be like, Hey man, you're killing it. I texted both of you individually multiple times. I'd rude Adam.

I just kind of alternated through just to get like a pot, a compliment. Like I would even, I was fishing a couple of times just because I wanted someone to say something nice about me. Cause I was having such a tough time never again never again you don't tell a shark there's blood in the water you don't tell me there's blood in the water either i always forget yeah man yeah stepping up stepping Oh, this guy stepped up and he's just handling half the responsibility. And also, frankly, if we can be perfectly honest, not even half the responsibility. Most of the time, not even close, but like a reasonable slice of the pie. And it's still like that guy.

Yeah. What a saint. Dude, I was courtside for labor. I'll never be able to handle half the responsibility because that is 99% of it. And then 1% pure concentrated power of will, which I can help with. Of course. I mean, of course.

Yeah, of course. That was even. You, Billy Crystal, Penny Marshall makes you rest in peace. You guys were all sitting courtside for labor. Yeah. And Mike Shinoda. And Mike Shinoda. Fuck, dude.

Mike Shinoda. Four minor. David, time for your third pick. Where'd you go? This is another weirdly specific thing that happened to me recently. I was riding in a car with my assistant. With boys? And he's like 24.

And Casey and Jojo came on that song crazy no no no crazy crazy i'm going crazy crazy crazy just thinking about you and he went to change it and i was like no you don't even get this song so it's just like a deep appreciation for r&b music like he wanted to change it and i was like no you don't even what do you know about that i found myself saying that like what do you know oh you've had a breakup you know what i mean like just really like good you don't even that i was like this close to being like this is grown folks music i i'm not a dad at all so i can't i can't be like yeah dude for sure but yeah dude for sure like i feel like feeling r&b is like mad dad shit yeah like really like just like and i'm just like just like eyes closed listening to it like ah dude my face is like

13 you've been a dad since you were taking bats i swear to god i have been feeling r&b since the first time i remember hearing it i it's just something about something about it i just was like this i'm trying to think of like the first when i was a kid i was so against it i loved it i hate i could do like the older stuff kind of when i was a kid but contemporary like the shit like janet jackson and like the shit my mom would listen to i oh joe all that i did not i did not drew it i didn't get any of it and now that i'm a little older i'm like play that all the time honestly lately i've been listening to more r&b than rap music the first shit was like shy and um silk that i remember really being

like wait i love this song okay okay those are two very different hit songs though they are but i'm just trying to think of the earliest memories ballad silk you mean let me lick you up and down freak me till you say stop. I was like 12 being like, this is the radio. Everybody can hear this. Let me play with your body, baby. That song was too sexy for me. You just said it.

Let me play with your body? Yeah, make you real hot. Let me play with your body. Let me play with your body. All right, let me play with your body alright let me get out of this but just let me play with your body what's it gonna take for me to play with your body baby lick you up and down Marissa probably barfed all over her webcam

yeah yeah yeah yeah so did that conversation just inform what the uh playlist is going to look like at your wedding sean like all right so what what is an acceptable version of that to get out there what's not acceptable version of that to get out there well since since we had the kid we decided we're not getting married dude we're gonna make her go to school like that she's gonna have to tell everyone

well my parents are have a common law marriage and then i'm gonna have to explain to everybody what a common law marriage is and then i'll show up with a lot of rings and i'll be like i don't know she can't put a you can't peg dad dude nine rings't have a wife. Nine rings. All but the one. How long you been married? Does it look like I'm married? Married to the game. I got some killer fangs in. How long I been married?

How long you been out of college, girl? I'm listening to Silk in that Cadillac. All right. Shout out. Shout out. Shout out. But yeah, deep appreciation for r&b i love it i'm not even there yet but i feel it coming i feel it around the corner i feel it coming love that song don't get me started on him that's r&b right oh yeah yeah cocaine and sex that guy but like but like sad sex sad cocaine the sexist seems happy yeah we i forget why we were talking about is it why is that how do you how do you say is it

wop or is that what i was supposed to see i know it's like an older song now but we were talking about how like guys have been doing this shit for years about like how that next song was all about getting a boner you know that too close song and i was telling laura i was like the weekend all he does is talk about cocaine and sex and it's just fine but then two girls hop on and they talk about sex and it just ruins everyone's day i don't know ben shapiro's head explodes one of the good ones one of the good ones i'm eating an apple and he's a feminist this is all fantasy everything one of the good ones my wife says that if you need a mop and a mug then there's something wrong with your body

that guy's that guy's little prick come on man i mean listen if you want to say this openly about people very often but i want to beat the shit out of that guy come on man you can believe what you want to believe but you're going out like this you little fucking kazoo stop it good just want to have him gleek on an uncle just give me a reason show me an uncle show me an uncle they will not be ungleeked on for long out here representing the gop and the lollipop guild go to hell week season five over here dude oh man that guy is really the worst anyways yeah appreciation for r&b hell yeah time for sean's third pick third pick is going to be making up little songs and just singing little songs. Hell yes. That's adorable.

I do it all the time. Adorabora. Trying to like kill time. You got to talk to the kid, but you can't just sit and talk about, I can't just talk about the departed with her, you know, because it's a one-sided conversation. First of all,

you could, I could explain movie movies to her, but there's no feedback. So you just got to do something where you can just talk at the kid, be saying words. So I could either explain my day and just kind of vent which i have done uh or i'll just make up songs and just sing random random shit i was singing a song called my little fart machine maxine my little fart machine my little fart machine and like bobbing her knees up i was like you fart all over everything my little fart machine and her name's maxine it's fun it honestly is kind of fun did you just leak the new track

he's going r&b now too he didn't wrap on like this one's for the ladies like the first r&b my little fart machine her name's maxine farts on everything fart machine she's a fart machine i like the color green she's a fart machine her name's maxine farts on everything fart machine she's a fart machine i like the color green she's a fart machine aunts are mean uncles are cool fart machines whatever i don't like drool huh there we go you better put a track on that give me a beep yeah just making up little songs and singing them walking around the house i don't know just doing just singing little songs that don't mean nothing i do that for my cats i know you do oh yeah i've heard you do it i've heard you do it for no one i've heard you do it alone

like just in the living room it's fun it's fun i enjoy it with with the cats are there ones that your songs you return to or is it just kind of like you try to come off the front off the top every time i usually come off the top every time are you like it just it just depends on the situation well or you sing a lot of awol nation to your cats don't you maybe i should eat my food baby you, I was asleep. I don't care that you were asleep. I'm singing to the cat. Try to go back to bed. I'm singing a wall nation and you know, I don't stop.

I got to water the lawn. So I'll be outside for a while, but for about three, four hours. Yeah. This, I got to make sure the sprinkler keeps going. Cause the city tried

to come shut it off and i garcetti was in the lawn i mean i gotta i gotta make sure it's going garcetti's out here all right so that means i need to be out here with a rake with a knife tape to it like your own little bayonet where you're like the water's staying on so i can either water the yard with your blood or the water that's coming out of the sprinkler choice is yours man blood makes the grass grow kill kill kill however you want it you know david did you have that one when you were playing football which one no blood makes the grass go i like that yeah no we didn't have that i don't know i didn't look into whether that's true but that's what we said they made me sit outside for those inspirational speeches and then i could come in after they were done all right sean get in here

we're done hyping everyone up you can go in for your charity quarter go piss your dad off real quick. My finger. Charlie bit my finger. Dad, one of those jerks on the other team stepped on it. What do you want me to do? He was so pissed. Oh, man. I lost where we are completely.

Oh, it's Ian's pick. I'm still eating an apple. Time for my third and fourth picks, as it is, Serpentine Draft. My number three pick, can't believe it's still on the board. I'm taking Steely Dan. Yeah. Oh, okay. Can we have like our, so my dad's version of that was Jackson Brown. Oh, yeah.

Jackson Brown and Steely Dan. Yeah, they're all Steely Dan. Yes. God, yeah. Steely Dan at Laura's mom. Fucking loves Steely Dan. I, yes. God. I, yeah. Steely Dan at Laura's mom. Fucking love. Steely Dan loves them. I've gotten into him this year.

I think that's my male biological clock. Is that in the last year and a half, two years, I started getting really into the Dan. I love it. And my, I remember my dad listening to it. I remember like we would drive up to the Mount hood to go skiing and,

or even Mount bachelor, which is like four hours away. But the drive felt so long when we were kids. And I just remember hearing this one kind of music as a kid, just hating it, just laying in the back of the Ford Astro van, just hating this shit. And then we would, we'd be on this boat and he'd play it. And I'd be, Astrovan, just hating this shit.

And then we'd be on this boat and he'd play it. And I'd be like, I hate this shit. Why do we always listen to it? And then in my teenage years, I never heard it. And then I was in my 20s and I heard the song come on the radio. And it was like, back, Jack, do it again. We'll spin it round and round. And I was like shit wait is that steely dan wait is that the one i'm thinking of yeah yeah yeah do it again and i was like oh shit it's that song i listened to all the time growing up and i love it now i don't know what like it's

it's something about it's just not for kids man that's probably it it's just not it's just that's that is grown-up vibes that you know what i mean that's not you need to have the vibes of like i want to enjoy this road trip i enjoyed being on the boat and doing nothing when i was a kid i didn't enjoy that i wanted to be around people doing shit i didn't like calm times you know you also need to smoke weed yeah i was gonna say i'm pretty sure for my my uh my wife and her family that was a santana served a very similar purpose in the car on those on those situations absolutely it's not exactly the same as you know y'all don't know anything about this or what do y'all know about this it's not the same as the r&b discussion but it's similar

yeah yeah it's less of a y'all don't you don't know anything about this they're more of a hey shut up hey shut up shut up i don't even i don't even like relate to the lyrics like i know a lot of people get really into the lyrics of steely dan because they're about like failed or like fallen aspirations or these like sad anti-hero characters i don't even care about that there's just something i like about a well played sax i get it does steely dan have like a rotating cast of band members or am i making that up yeah it's just those two dudes uh-huh walter becker and the other one, I forget his name. Donald Fagan? Donald Fagan. Casper Van Diem. It's Casper Van Diem and Mario Van Peebles.

And Nina Van Peebles. And they play, and they bring in, yeah, different studio musicians. And they even bring them in and they'll bring in six different bass players and whichever part they like, that's the one they use on the song. That's awesome. That's pretty cool, yeah. Love it. And they're named after a dildo, which is the one they use on the song. That's awesome. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Love it. Dan dude. And they're named after a dildo,

which is another thing people love to bring up. There's a dildo named a steely Dan. Steely Dan dude. It's a tough night for me. All right. Good to know. You're the diamond Dan dude. Steel.

I don't want steel in my dildos name or lady. Oh my God. Is that what a steely dan looks like ah she just googled it that is not good looking i think it's like a vibrator right why'd you do that dan there's a lot of parts to it yeah this is your fault yeah i feel pretty bad about it the steely sean's magical looking about it the steely sean's magical looking everybody wants one mostly available at the gathering of the juggalos right yeah yeah they got a little stand a steely stand yeah dude uh asia that album pretzel logic katie light gaucho come on steely damn logic pretzel logic bro it's like a

hip-hop album speaking of pretzel logic it's time for my fourth pick oh no actually okay i'm gonna i'm gonna keep that on the shelf i wanted to take but i'm not but it is still time for my fourth pick and with my fourth pick i'm going to take sock indifference not me man if anything my game got tighter because i know it's a slippery slope i'll tell you that i just think like and i'm talking about night the the aforementioned nikes with adidas sure but also just like two different socks socks that don't match with the outfit at all uh a weird height on the sock either like just like just peeking out or or way up there it's just like i feel like dads get to a point where they just like don't really give a fuck about socks anymore does it is it between my foot

and my shoe sold i i've caught myself this isn't it but i've caught myself like wearing the same Sold. I've caught myself, this isn't it, but I've caught myself wearing the same shirt for a couple days. And I'm like, nope. You go change your fucking shirt. You go do it. You have plenty of them. Go put a different one on. Same thing with socks.

Where I'm like, if you have matching socks, get them. Wear them. Don't look like a clown. It's such a, you gotta, if it's an easy fix you gotta fix it because not everything's an easy fix that's true that's true you like correct what you can correct when you have the opportunity to that's absolutely right put deodorant on if you stink you know because you're not always going to be able to like go grab a drink or whatever i don't know one of the things that they, that the kids will do as they get bigger and like, they're going to start getting you presents, right. For your

birthday, for your, for father's day, for stuff like that. And it's always like, it's a little thing that, you know, like, uh, they're not going out shopping. So it's a little thing that your, your partner can like put into the cart or whatever. And it's invariably like it's either ties is one big kind of component to that but also like socks is part of that so there's just like some white okay i guess i wear that pattern socks now i guess i guess i'm out here out here looking like the fucking power cosmic on my feet i have no idea what's going on with this argyle okay yeah that's that's how i get down now sure no problem and then uh you know uh but so yeah there's a the indifference

applies that way where it's like this is what's next up in the drawer all right we're going with this now next man up i like sock indifference just a general indifference towards socks i've noticed in fathers uh and sean it's time for your fourth pick and we'll get to your fourth pick and the rest of the fourth picks right after another short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life. You drop everything you're doing, just go to a brand new country. You figure it out from there.

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Hi, welcome back to All Fantasy. Everything already in progress. We're drafting dad stuff. Body talk. Body talk. Dan Devine is here. He has a body. Sean George is here.

He has a body. I sure do have a body. You got a body. David's got a body. You bet your buddy has a body. Yeah, that here he has a body i sure do have a body you got a body david's got a body you bet your butt he has a body yeah that body's got a butt but he's got a body and the body's got a butt he's got a body and the body's got a butt he's got a body and the body's got a butt he's got a body and the body's got a butt he's got a body and the body's got a butt he's got a body and the body's got a butt he's got a body in the body he's got a butt he's got a body in the body he's got a butt

my little fart machine my little fart machine whoa zoom my zoom just said playing music question mark whoa fuck yeah you were dude real recognize real that's exactly right up the algorithm what's up the algorithm thanks thanks but no thanks his name is sean jordan he's got a fourth pick we're about to hear what it is i'm gonna go clothing route since you just did i'm gonna pick polo shirts and i'm picking that because i have five now i have five they're up in my closet i have five polo you're not ever used to wear polo shirts before though no no i never did and i honestly i was like they're it's like it's like a switch flipped where I had it and I was like, oh, that looks great.

I used Mack. Well, I got a Mack Weldon one because I'm like, oh, that'll be perfect. It's got a wide collar. It's breathable. So when I'm on the walks like I did, I went through my checklist and I was like, this is checks all the boxes and it's stylish, which is probably wrong. I don't think the kids are wearing polo shirts. So it's like that was one where I'm like no you're a dad dude you get like a grip of polo shirts

and it's fine you're 40 and you don't need to look like you're not and it's stylish laura huh you probably thought it was a 20 year old broke in it's just me you sounded like a kid like trying to like convince his parents to get him broke in and it's just me you sounded like a kid like trying to like convince his parents to get him a dog and it's stylish and it's comfortable and i can wear it every time i go on a walk i'll take care of it okay okay you can get a polo dad's proud boys and best buy employees right god damn it do they wear polos best by employees yeah no proud boys oh yeah yeah yeah yeah this one specific polo no no no we're not gonna let them fucking take the polo we did

not wear red hats for four years fuck them no i still wore red hats yeah i used to wear backwards red hat all the day like fred burst all the day all the time like fred burst was that specifically why you wore it was to look like him no but it looks like it because i used to wear a white t-shirt i had this maple hat maples old skate company a red maple hat fitted that i would wear backwards just like the nookie video and then when that video came out i was like oh man i really look like i'm trying to look like this yeah it wasn't i was just a you know ahead of my time i guess dave I would say that. You were always looking for something to break, too. And that wasn't a good look.

I had that moment where I wanted to get the make racist afraid again kind of shirt, like one of those hats that was like the flip of the thing. And then someone, thankfully, I had a friend close enough that was like, you're a 35-year-old white guy. People aren't going to read that close. They're not going to get in that close. Yeah, they're just going to be like, all right, I see you. No, it says, make America gay again.

And they're like, well, we already knocked all your teeth out. Right. Now that we're close enough to read it, you're unconscious. Yeah. Sorry. Duffed you out like Richard Spencer. Oh, tough times. God, that was awesome.

It was really good. I really liked when that happened. oh tough tough times god that was awesome it was really good i really like that it's just me just me checking the boxes and being like this yeah they work man they work polo the dawn dude cool on a hot day hot on a cool day that's all you need all you need david boy top of your fourth pick uh i did this just like two days ago i just had a really long day and i was doing a bunch of shit and then when i went to sit in my dad shit my my old comfy chair i like grunted as i sat down oh yeah that was gonna be my last pick does that make sense like yeah it's really good like after a long day i was gonna stand up and sit down and tell you that was my pick and everything the sound was gonna be the pick you're oh i'm sorry buddy yeah no that's a great that's

absolutely absolutely because yeah that shit just that shit happens sometimes i love it i make a noise when i sit i make a noise when i stand i make a noise when i go from seated seated to laying down in a bed sometimes Sometimes you got it. It's like, and it's the problem is because it's like, it's not even, you can't even control it. You know what I mean? It just happened. Yeah, it doesn't do anything. Like, what is that noise coming from?

I don't know, but it's. I'll do it when we're done recording. And I, when I pack up, I can hear myself packing the computer up being like oh yeah see i had an involuntary weird one where i went oof doofa and then that is a dad yeah and my wife went oof siredis went nope she wasn't having it that one's not going to be allowed to stick around and you're like fair enough all right note taken that's a good note i'll take that you gotta start mixing some yiddish in there dude nobody's gonna turn that down throw an oive in

there i've i've thrown uh an oive out there oh yeah does it feel powerful yeah it feels good i like them you know what maybe i'll sprinkle it in we'll see how that works i bet i bet i bet it i bet she would probably not feel comfortable enough you know culturally to say nope on that one i probably have you know you know upper hand sort of relationship jujitsu on that one that's right you can say it and then what are you gonna what do you got to say i used to say it uh well dan go say that on the couch for the night huh my hebe friend ian said i could oh man that one doesn't get a lot of play the other one gets so much play it was what was it

no effects that had the i can't spit the title with the rest of it but yeah two heebs yeah yeah pretty funny no effects you know it stood the test of time when you can't say the rest of it that's yeah that band title you have to have like three guys together to say you know you know it's good uh meet the decline grunting while you sit meet the recline uh dan time for your fourth and then your final picks as it is okay uh so this is one where i'm sort of breaking from my lived experience because i feel like it's a great value on the board dad strength um you know the idea that if you are you're the old man like you you will not be bested in hand-to-hand combat by your child again not so much a concern

for me i have a seven-year-old girl and a four-year-old girl and we're not you know that's not how we're doing things around here um also not doing it like they did you're not even entertaining it now no no um but that's how she goes down in my house right it says we're trying we're trying to do things a little bit better here um but the idea that that was just sort of an immutable truth as i was a kid everyone was like oh well yeah no old man strength that strength that is like you certainly would not step to your father because of this cause you know power that's this law that of the universe and i'm not gonna say i feel a little bit uh you know i got stolen a little bit by the fates handing me two girls but like i'm not gonna experience that but i think it

is an important aspect of like growing up as a kid knowing like i'm not going to step to my dad because apparently i if secretly he could turn into the hulk at a moment's notice or like one punch man or something like that like it can it can get wild with that so yeah you know i i i not in my lived experience but as a power as a just like something that uh cast a large shadow over most of the boys in the all boys catholic high school when i was growing up i felt like it was a good value on the board at this point i still think you should set up an eight foot rim and yam on your daughters at some point just so they know yeah yeah yeah so they're aware you know what i mean you don't have to go out in the rain to see it's raining make them sleep in the snow and kill dinner one night just yeah you know

i my dad tried to pull fights out of me a couple times where i'm like dad where'd you even get the vibe that i thought he one time when i was 14 i might have been 13 he uh i don't want to go into like bummer detail but he pretty much tried to fight me and i was like are you you thought i wanted to fight he was like he thought i wanted to fight me and i was like are you you thought i wanted to fight he was like you thought i wanted to fight him and i was like you're you're like three of me and you're shit-faced and you know i could i have glasses on there's all kinds of chips stacked against me i absolutely don't want to fight now i want to go cry is what i want to do and then i came back and he's like then he was crying he's like i'm sorry bud i was like oh thank you it was crazy man but he a couple times

because he fought his dad he's one of the people that actually did fight his dad and he won so he had that chip on his shoulder was he bigger than his dad too yeah but not at the so buck my grandpa buck was pretty big and at the time that they fought my dad was in high school buck i feel like we just unlocked an origin story yeah yeah how have we i know he's brought that up we know we knew yeah all buck is no longer with us he fell to consumption as the other two jordans uh not tuberculosis but the thing that everybody thought consumption was alcoholism anyway uh my dad was in high school and i think he was about the same size and but he won he won the fight then he had to move out i don't know if he had to but he did what are you gonna do stay

there i think i think you just fight every day until your dad wins at that point like if you win the fight then your dad's like we're gonna fight every day until i get a w on the board and then you can sleep in the house again there was a secret of events between my father and i when i was about 17 18 years old that ended not in a fight but in him saying if you're gonna fight me you better be ready to kill me and me deciding i wasn't ready for that yeah it's sort of it's sort of the kaiser soze thing right i was like whoa we're going there oh no wow because i still have this thing and obviously it's not true because like every professional athlete's younger than me but i have this thing where if i see someone in the world who's younger than me i'm like i got

them it's not true there's no you know of course it's not true but no it is weird like that i feel like i could beat up any 22 year old-old, but that's not the case. I probably could beat up most of them. But get me in traffic and show me somebody who looks younger than me. And I'm like, we pulled over. I'm sorry. I'll go to jail, dude. I guess that's what's going to happen because there's no way this younger person is going to beat me in a fight.

Meanwhile, every NBA player is younger than me. Every MMA fighter is younger than me. I mean, it's just no world where that's true. NBA players younger than me. Every MMA fighter is younger than me. I mean, it's just, it's just no world where that's true. But also I feel like every NBA player is older than me. Even the 22 year old,

because they're tall. Yeah, sure. That is part of it, right? You're like, there's no way that this giant, it's hard for, it's so funny because it's like,

that's the problem, but it's like hard to think of them as kids so much, you know, taller than me. They're richer than me. So they're older than me right i had a moment with that where i was like i was a something at all-star weekend and it was like a gay i think it was gatorade did a activation with joelle and bead and i'm like you do five minutes or you do a run through like a workout and then you get like a couple of minutes with joelle and bead and you're like well this is the largest

human being i've ever seen in my life and so i confer a certain amount of respect onto him and then you ask him two questions and you're like oh no this is like a 21 year old like this guy is like yeah um i don't know you know and you're like oh i'm talking to somebody who like yeah it was like a year out of college right like right right you know and you're like oh i'm talking to somebody who like yeah it was like a year out of college right like right right right right right you're essentially my nephew except you are yeah you are like uh the you know supersized evolved version of like your nephew right and you're like oh okay that remind you have to balance that out but you standing there holding a mic up that way you're like yeah there's no way to balance that out in your head he's one

of the ancients. He's been here. Yeah. He saw the mountains form. I mean, Joel, I could take Joel and bead. I could,

I still think I could beat up Joel. Yeah, that's fair enough. Yeah. After a certain point, you're too tall. And then I could fight you just because you're too, too big.

That's right. I'm going to chop down the legs like Bret Hart. Yeah. Can't guard those knees, dude. I'll get down there. I'll bite a hole in your, right where your reflexes are. are a hole in your reflexes that sounds like an asap rock line

yeah but a hole in your it does uh dan your final pick uh all right this one it's uh it's a little sappy but it's the truth the feeling when they run up to you like if you're picking them up from someplace or you know you come in and they haven't seen you all day and they run up to you and you got to grab them up and give them a hug. That feeling, that moment of like, daddy, and they run at you. Got a bottle. If you could bottle it up and sell it, you'd be a millionaire. It's a beautiful thing. And so much of what I have picked tonight has been about me being a dipshit or a dead

beat or some kind of thing where that I'm like, yeah, I took him outside once and people told me I was a man of the year. Now this will do a cute, nice and that's the truth they drive me nuts a lot of the time but that thing it like erases all of that it clears the board every time and uh so that like you know sean you are in a place now where it's like you're constantly on the clock with the with with your your daughter and she doesn't really she's not able to give back a ton to you not right now not right now my boy uh but at a certain point you're like that uh like you know there will be that'll become a two-way street in a different way and that is going to

blow your mind it's going to be awesome and you're going to really love that so that is something that i i look forward to i enjoy very, and I wanted to end on a positive note with that. My kids better not run up on me. Yeah, I was going to say. There better be some lights on or something. I'll knock those motherfuckers out. Don't you fucking do it. Run up, get done up. Dot your I's and cross your T's.

You run up on me, Maxine. You hear that? The last fucking, the last fucking dip. Wake up so I can put you down. up daddy's got a message do not run up on me do not you even dream you better wake up and apologize you fucking built your last duplo my friend you run up on me oh man that's all I'm saying, dude. David, your final pick. Mine's not nearly as sweet.

I have Working the Grill. Hell yeah. Of course. Surprise it didn't come off the board right after War Dad. Two very, very critical kinds of dads. Yeah. My dad didn't like to have working associated with anything that he did really so the grill not not really in there you're already in many ways all your stuff is stuff you do david don't say that to me

oh you do i mean listen like look at your list you have a chair you have an active interest in amateur sports. You like R&B more than rap right now. You probably grunt while you sit. And you work the grill. You do. You're a dad, dude. I mean, let's just say.

You're a dad. What if a four-year-old just ran up on him right now? I'd just pick one up. Busted. I don't even know where he came from. You're just a bachelor looking for a partner. how did my four-year-old get there that's incredible our four-year-old dan we're gonna go to a t-ball game tomorrow i mean i'm just a bachelor looking for a partner in that i am similar to genuine yes yeah a lot of respect also if you're horny uh no yeah that's the grill the grills sean it's time for your final pick

it's gonna be sappy and it's gonna be uh you know very happy too but unconditional love for real the you have it i have it i love people i would die for people there's you know there's people in this world i would die for i say it for real and i'm not gonna exaggerate there's probably like 15 people in the world that i would die for i would do it what's his name you're one of them you don't ever let me i'm serious i'm being serious so there's like 15 there's like 15 people but then when you when i see max it's like this this thing of like if i'm not around or if we're not around then she doesn't she's not gonna be alive we do everything we provide everything

and there's just something that switch that gets flipped and it doesn't happen immediately it didn't happen like right when i saw her but it it's happening where you're just like you know you're everything you're it you're everything everything i would break bricks you know if this stopped if we couldn't do this anymore whatever god i hope that never happens but i would you know i'd work at a call center and i wouldn't even mind it because i know where it's going it's not just going for me to get hammered or something it's going to you know to her so like real full-on unconditional love it's crazy feeling it's beautiful man thanks thanks but as we bring the podcast to a close not just this episode but the entire thing the last pick of the last episode of all fantasy everything back

we had a good run 200 and Marissa how many episodes deep are we I don't have that off 642 episodes it's time for the final pick of the final all fantasy everything ever stop it

I'm gonna take watching golf yeah dude nice strong Jordan Spieth Spieth I'm going to take watching golf. Yeah, dude. Nice. Strong. Jordan Spieth. Spieth. Spieth. Spieth.

Spieth. Specifically falling asleep on the couch watching golf. That's a good Sunday. I can't wait to do it. I can't wait. I don't feel right doing it yet. I will fall asleep watching a baseball game, but not golf, but I'll get there. I don't think I've ever watched a whole baseball game by myself. You got to fall asleep.

Yeah. No, yeah. People finish baseball games? I thought there was just one continuous baseball game that people sometimes tuned in for. Mariano Rivera. Mariano Rivera. Mariano Rivera Mariano Rivera Mariano Rivera

Mariano Rivera I've finished a lot of them You know what I thought of earlier And it doesn't fit at all into what we're saying But I'm going to be bummed if I don't say it Is Luigi Van Peebles If I didn't say it i just haven't oh man that's very funny a plus plus man that's a that's a that's a top 10 for you

it's phenomenal that's so fucking funny luigi van pebbles well now you well now you got to have another kid that's that that that wraps that up i mean that's the only way to get rid of that luigi van pebbles jordan oh my god to recap dan you went first you took taking longer than you need to in the bathroom the having access to the kids' menu items, low expectations on the father as compared to the mother, the mother, dad strength, and when your kids run up to you with open arms, full of love.

David, you went second. You took having a chair, an active interest in amateur sports, really getting into R&B, grunting when you sit, and working the grill. Again, a pastiche of david bori i'm gonna say here and now sean you went third you took realizing your nice things won't be nice anymore stroller walks making up little songs polo shirts and unconditional love i went last and i took war not caring about movies and then bringing them home anyway, just like not having any hype, just a complete innocence when it comes to movie toys,

steely Dan sock and difference and watching golf. We left a lot of good ones on the board, but before we get to Marissa, did you have a pick? Yeah. My pick is coaching your kids sports team. Oh yeah. Excellent pick.

Excellent pick. I haven't Carmel coached all sorts of my teams basketball baseball those two a lot of different ages he was a great that's pretty good though yeah was he a motivator was he somebody who was like oh it's more about the the imparting the teamwork kind of lesson no he was a he was a uh technique he was a winner. He was a tactician. Tactician, technique. We had a more complex playbook than any other 11th grade rec league team. 8th grade rec league team. Pickle rec league basketball team.

Complex. We were running fucking wheel routes, double hands off, elevator doors. Triangle offense. Triangle offense. He brought in Chipland to beaverton like it was crazy he was like running complex shit that's great oh that's amazing we left some good stuff on the board hard pretzels oh man dad jokes dad jokes one jokes. One drink whenever it happens.

Like one, just one. And then you're like, all right. Comfortable jeans I have. Oh, yeah. Comfy jeans. Swaddling. When you wrap them up like a little burrito when they're babies, that the act of actually doing that.

You have to learn how to do that. It's the most important thing. It's the only way Max can go to sleep. I've been people hitting up at the DMs asking like dad advice know how to do that don't think you know how to do it know how to do it for real practice that you have a kid smoking meat smoking meat that's a good one i know about that i didn't yeah control the thermostat real heavy oh yeah getting everyone out of the house it's sort of a cousin to the bathroom trip, but the feeling when you just get everyone out, you're like, I did it.

They're at school, they're at work, they're wherever. They're all out. That's got to feel amazing. Pretty good. It feels good when it's just my fiancee leaving. Maybe dad should think about going to work too, huh? You fucking deadbeat. Nobody that I live in this apartment complex,

nobody thinks that I have a real job like i get buzzed whenever like they're delivering shit to other apartments because they're like that guy's home i'm like i'm a fucking writer i promise i am i am for real working every day and they're like yeah right so we're just gonna buzz his apartment he'll open the front door like no no questions asked no problem i'll be right back malcolm brogdon. I'm sorry. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. Allfantasypod at gmail.com. Shout out to super producer Marissa on the ones and twos

staying up late on that East Coast trip. Shout out. We'll see you in Denver next week, Marce. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Can't wait. Day after tomorrow. When this comes out, we will have seen Marissa day after tomorrow you will we will have when this comes out we will have seen marissa several weeks ago um and she will have ridden the horse outside the denver airport all around denver conquering the city being named its empress we all know that happened

uh shout out to everyone on the afe patreon thank you for holding us down the shaslackity the afe sub reddit shout out to saint sue carmel-E subreddit. Shout out to Saint Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode of Old Fantasy Everything. Luigi Van Peebles! that was a hate gun podcast