All Fantasy Everything - Dating (w/ Nicole Byer, David Gborie, and Amy Miller)

Episode Date: December 7, 2017

It's cuffing season, my friends. Time to double down on what we love about coupling up. Host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Nicole Byer, David Gborie and Amy Miller to draft dating. NOTE FROM THE KARMS: Also, sorry that this is just from a heterosexual perspective. I booked the whole thing in a flurry. We try to get as many perspectives as we can on episodes like this, and your boy blew it. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything. The podcast that had a sandwich a little too close to recording. And the podcast blood sugar feels a little bit off. So we'll see if I can work through it. Is this about the podcast? This is about me, actually. Okay, that's fine. What kind of sandwich was it?

There's this coffee shop around the corner. I don't know if you've been there. What's it called again? The Wheelhouse. Thank you, Marissa. I was just there talking to them about you. Were you really? Yes.

Do they recognize you from Portland Comedy as well? They don't. There's another guy that knows who we are, but those guys didn't. Okay, interesting. Wait, how did they know that? How did I come up with them? Because I had just been there myself. Because you had just been there.

Oh, yeah. And they were like, what are you doing? Yeah. Which I was like, taken aback by. Wait, you were ordering food and someone went, here's your food. What are you doing? Yeah. And I was like, oh, I'm over at HeadGum.

And they're like, oh. And I was like, you know that guy who was just in here? And they're like, yeah. And then he's like, oh, we don't recognize the podcasters. And I was like, well, he's also a comedian. Yeah, yeah. That's funny. We can't recognize podcasters.

We don't recognize podcasters. It's just voices. We don't know who they are. I don't see podcasts. I was like, he's medium well-known. Medium well. In Portland, very famous. Yes, I'm very Portland famous.

And I'm medium in Portland. Yeah, yeah. You're more than medium in Portland. Thank you. Yes. That voice you hear is Amy Miller of course at Amy Miller on Twitter yep

Amy Miller on Instagram Amy Miller comedy on Instagram Amy Miller comedy on Instagram my bad I thought you were one of those all across the board the same handle I wish

who's got Amy Miller on Instagram um I don't know there's so many of us some basic bitch there's probably not a lot of Amy Millers but you are the Amy Miller as far as I'm concerned

thank you what uh how have you been it's been a while since you've been on the podcast have you been on the road I've been on the road Some basic bitch. There probably aren't a lot of Amy Millers. But you are the Amy Miller as far as I'm concerned. Thank you. How have you been? It's been a while since you've been on the podcast. Have you been on the road? I've been on the road. Yeah, I've been pretty good. Thanksgiving with my family.

I don't know. How was that? How was the food? It's kind of a sore subject. My mom made fish tacos. For Thanksgiving? Yeah. God damn it. It was an outrage.

It was the first one that i took my boyfriend to yeah and then um they were like oh you didn't hear we had thanksgiving a couple weeks ago for my sister's birthday it was her 40th and that's what she requested oh but you couldn't make it so you should have been here for her birthday and then you would have had thanksgiving it was fucked up that's fucked up up. Fish tacos? That's mean. I feel like we're very similar in stock. Do you come from the people who make fish tacos a lot? No, she was getting real fancy. I don't know.

Maybe it's because I brought Adam and he's so fancy that she was like, oh, I need to slice up cabbage. Sure, when you're bringing a guy from Cleveland home, you've got to make sure there's some exotic food like fish tacos. Top-notch fella. I'm so confused. Yeah, when you're bringing a guy from Cleveland home, you've got to make sure there's some exotic food like fish tacos. Top-notch fella. I'm so confused. Yeah, right? Wouldn't you just

do Thanksgiving again because you're bringing your boyfriend home? Maybe she is setting you up and doesn't want you to get closer to your boyfriend, so he goes to bad Thanksgiving and then he's like, you know what? I don't want to be a part of this family. That's what he sounds like. You're doing an old black man from Cleveland.

Or Jay Baruchel. It could also be Jay Baruchel. Yeah, I don't want to be part of this family. I just don't know. I don't know. Here's the most fucked up thing, the dessert. Yes. Banana cake.

Get the fuck out of here. Thanksgiving classic banana cake. You had such a July 18th dinner that night. Yes. It was a summer barbecue. It was. That's disappointing. Here's the thing.

What the fuck is a banana cake? That's a good question. It was delicious. What is it? Here's the thing. The tacos were also amazing. Right. What is a banana cake?

It's just like a regular cake, but it's got banana in it. Like a vanilla cake with bananas in it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cream cheese? Cream cheese frosting. Oh, that sounds good, though. It was good. It's like a layer cake.

Oh, okay. My mom makes these things where she smashes up bananas and makes like- That's banana pudding. No, but then she gets like flour and stuff, and then she deep fries them. Whoa. Oh. Little balls. And my mom makes those.

Oh, that's delicious. That's wild. That might be an African thing. Maybe. I mean, anytime you. And my mom makes those. Oh, that's delicious. That's wild. That might be an African thing. Maybe. I mean, anytime you're deep frying at home. What kind of African? It's an American thing as well. Oh.

It's very, it's my favorite cakes. That's why I was like, whoa. And then I thought maybe that that is not the same. It's interesting she calls them cakes. She calls them banana cakes. They're like banana balls. And there's like sugar in them. Oh, my God.

That sounds good. Where's your mom at? That sounds real good. Right now? Could be anywhere. Like in the world? Yeah, where in the world is your mom? She lives in Norway.

I'm trying to get them banana cakes. Wait, she lives in Norway? She lives in Norway right now. Oh. But she could be traveling. I don't know what she's doing today. He's got an exotic story. Yeah, that's fun.

There's got to be a better way to get these banana cakes. I think I can make them. You should. I'm going to ask her how to make them. Do you have to have a better way to get these banana cakes. I think I can make them. You should. I'm going to ask her how to make them. Do you have to have a deep fryer? Can we pan fry them? No, they're not expensive deep fryers. Are they not?

No. I feel like the psychic toll is more expensive than this. I used to hang out with a kid with a deep fryer for the summer. So did I. You can't be doing it all the time. It's bad. You just keep throwing shit in there. You're like, I'll eat that.

Everything goes in there. You ever had a deep fried microwave burrito? Oh all the time. It's bad. You just keep throwing shit in there. You're like, I'll eat that. Everything goes in there. You ever had a deep fried microwave burrito? Oh my God. It's incredible. No. It's incredible. I bet it is. It's like a chimichanga.

Yeah. A chimichanga. Oh my God. Get a microwave chimichanga and throw that in the deep fryer. You're going to live forever. We got to move off the deep fryer. No, you're not going to live forever. No, you're going to live until tomorrow.

No, you'll pass away real early. What could go wrong? You will have so many more pallbearers than the average person. My pallbearer's got pallbearers. You're gonna have pallbearers wearing those belts that weightlifters wear when they do squats. They got like

workout gloves. They have to chalk up. You have Magnus per Magnus. You just have the world's strongest man competitors. You're Paul Magnus per Magnus. You just have the world's strongest man competitors. You're part of it on ESPN2 at one in the morning. Yeah, but it's just to take you out. Honestly, that's my favorite imagery.

Yes, right? Just so many Paul parents. That's so funny. Shifts. So funny. That's why fat people have so many friends. Right, exactly. We know.

We're planning ahead. We've got to have a big circle. Because of our big circle. I need eight to ten close, strong friends. Amy, this drops on Thursday. Do you have anything to plug? Anywhere people can come see you or you want them to check out? Oh, yeah.

Come to my show monthly at the Hollywood Improv. There you go. If you live in L.A., the next one's December 17th. 17th. Ian Carmel has not been on that show yet. A lot ofrov. There you go. If you live in LA, the next one's December 17th. 17th. Ian Carmel has not been on that show yet. A lot of people are talking about that. I know. A lot of chatter in the streets.

You should be on it. There's just a longer wait for white guys. A lot of chatter in the streets. I see a lot of white guys on that show, though. And by the way. It's one to two a week. I know. I'm Jewish.

It's different. Yes, you're not white. I'm one of the only Jews in comedy. That's what I learned. Also, I learned this year that Jewish people aren't white. It, you're not white. I'm one of the only Jews in comedy. That's what I learned. Also, must I? I learned this year that Jewish people aren't white. It just happened again this year. I grew up with a bunch of Jewish people, and I thought y'all were white.

We were so white for so long. For a long time. Until those torches came out. Now we're still white. We're just like diet white. Like we're still, yeah. We're like this kind of like. Like the Armenians.

Yeah, we're like Armenians. I feel like your relation to white people is like the relationship of like Arabs to Africans. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like you're not, you're not African. Right. But you're still African. Like a Northern African, like a Libyan.

You're like Eritrean. Yeah, yeah. Your ways are mysterious. Is that how you pronounce that? Eritrean. Eritrean? Eritrean. I have no idea.

What's Eritrean? Is it Eritrean? What is Eritrean? Itritrean? I have no idea. What's Eritrean? Is it Eritrean? What is Eritrean? It's Ethiopia and Eritrea. Oh. Eritrean people look a lot like Ethiopian people. Oh. There you go.

Beautiful. There we have it. They're gorgeous. There we have it. So come see December 17th at the Improv. Oh, yeah, December 17th. What's the name of the show again? Two Doors Down.

Two Doors Down. And then listen to my podcast, Who's Your God? Yes. And iTunes, Stitcher, wherever you may find it. You and Steve Hernandez, right? Yeah, Steve Hernandez and John Michael Bond. again two doors down two doors down and then listen to my podcast who's your god yes in itunes stitcher wherever you can find it yeah steve hernandez oh and if we could just throw a shout out december 9th if you're in portland and you're a listener steve is recording his album at alberta street theater oh yeah alberta street pub yeah go see steve hernandez he's so funny he's such a sweet funny guy you should go check that out if you're in portland yes yes he's yeah he's doing

two shows and you should go and laugh and be on his recording. He's really wonderful. It's a great lineup. He's great. Anyway, back to me. What was it? Oh, and then the weekend of the 15th of December, I'll be at Cobb's in San Francisco with Greg Barrett.

Ooh, that'll be great. Nice. Yeah. Tell him I said what's up. I will. We're actually very close. He's the coolest rockabilly comic I know. Yeah, he's a good dad.

Greg Barrett's awesome. Yeah. He's awesome. Yeah, he's a good dad. Greg Barron's awesome. Yeah. He's awesome. Yeah, he's a sweetheart. The G is silent. Hey, hey. David Bowie's in the house. Yes, I am.

Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram. Can't change it. Can't change it. You should. Why can't you change it? I don't. I'm not savvy. You can change it.

I can help you. I also, now it's like, because it's like an abusive don't, I'm not savvy. You can change it. I can help you. I also, now it's like, because it's like an abusive, like, but he loves me, though. No, you gotta. I gotta change it, you think? Yeah. Change it. Don't tour us this situation. I don't know what else to do with, though.

Syrup Mountain. Change it to David Borey. Yeah, to your name. Oh, that makes a lot of sense. Everything could be David Borey. But then will it still be at, so it would just be at David Borey? Yeah. But you'd retain all your followers, and it would just be at David Borey? Yeah. Yeah.

But you'd retain all your followers, and then people looking for you would have an easier time. Yes. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Except for right now, someone's registering all the David Borey accounts. Yeah.

So we got to do it before this drops. So they can sell them to you. Okay. We'll do it before this drops for sure. We'll do it after we're done. So people aren't leveraging. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. What do you got coming up? I, no, I'm in, I'm in North, I'm in California for a year. Oh, you're in yeah. Yeah. All right. What do you got coming up? No, I'm in California for 20 years. Yeah. I mean, I think I'm at the Laugh Factory like next Friday, Hollywood at 8. I don't really. I'm doing a bunch of local stuff on Twitter. They'll be on Twitter.

Come out, be around LA. Listen to All Fantasy Everything. Yeah, yeah. Just listen to All Fantasy Everything. We'll take it. Shout out to the people who sampler platter chain again. Just listen to All Fantasy Everything. We'll take it. Shout out to the people who sampler platter Shane again. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, let me find it. Guys, if you, whenever you see Shane in public, please. Nicole, we have this friend, Shane Torres, who came up with us in Portland, came up with Amy and I in Portland.

You know Shane? Yeah. I do. So he, anyway, long story short. The same way everyone says it. I do. I do.

I'm aware of Shane. Is that how everyone says it. I do. I do. I'm aware of that. Is that how everyone says it? You sounded a little regretful. Yes. I do. We did a junk food episode and he picked the sampler platter, which is not a food. It's several different foods. That's also not junk food.

It's also, thank you. That's an interesting take. That's a whole new take on it. That's a hot take. I like that take better. That's a hot new take on it. It's healthy. That's a whole new take on it.

That's a hot take. I like that take better. That's a hot new take on it. It's healthy. Yeah, like a sampler platter to me is like an appetizer sampler or like celery and fruit or something. No, no, that's like a- I think you're assuming that he's not at Red Robin. That might be crudité.

That he's what? I think you're assuming that he's not at Red Robin when he orders his food. Oh, yeah, that's not- That's fast food. That's not junk food. Right, but we're talking fast junk food. Garbage food was technically the name of the podcast to get around all this stuff. Okay, fine. Yeah. Garbage food, that's fast food. That's not junk food. Right, but we're talking fast junk food. Garbage food was technically the name of the podcast to get around all this stuff. Okay, fine.

Garbage food, that's garbage food. He ordered sampler platters. It became a whole big thing. But now people are ordering, sending sampler platters to his table if they see him at restaurants. That's very funny. It's the funniest thing that's ever happened. And it's happened like a couple times already. Really?

For real. And then they'll go over and take a picture with him and they'll send it to us. That is so fucking funny. It's the best joke ever. Speaking of which, thank you to Sun King Julius and Crystal Gray for sending Shane the sampler platter. Big shout out

to all of you. And guys, just I can't say it more than enough. Keep sending him sampler platters. He'll keep eating at TGI Fridays alone. They're very, our fans are very great. They are. They're fantastic. I love white wine.

Oh, there it is. Oh, white wine over here. If you send me, if you. Vodka. I just want it. I want vodka. The gray goose herself. That's how you say it.

How do you say vodka? Vodka. It's cute how you say it like you're already a little drunk. Vodka. I love vodka. I love vodka. Vodka. do you say vodka vodka it's cute how you say it like you're already a little drunk yeah i love booze if you send me any sort of booze i will drink it with you send nicole they'll do it they brought me a bottle of cuddy stark at least three different times cuddy stark it's a weird favorite no it's up there it's become a thing yeah i love the only reason why i know is have you ever seen the movie The Associate with Whoopi Goldberg? Yes.

Where she becomes a man named Cuddy because she sees a bottle of Cuddy? Yes. Okay. That's the only reason. The Associate, by the way, on Hulu. Hulu just put up a bunch of great movies. Did they really? The Associate, The Air Up There, First Kid.

The Air Up There is on there? First Kid is great. It's something for everybody. I mean, you know this from reading the description of the podcast, but we have Nicole Byer in the studio. It's me. Give me vodka. That's who wants it. I'll also drink tequila.

I'll also drink rum. I'll also drink anything but beer, really. I've been on such a big tequila kick lately. It's bad news. I love tequila. It's bad news. I do, too. Oh, boy. I'm going to drink a bunch of it tonight. You don't really get hangovers, though. I've been on such a big tequila kick lately. It's bad news. I love tequila. It's bad news. I do, too. Oh, boy.

I'm going to drink a bunch of it tonight. You don't really get hangovers, though. You kind of don't. You wake up feeling bleary, but not fucked so much. And you're not all full. Yeah, it's nice. And beer makes you full. Can't deal with it.

And farty. Also, tequila, it's light. You can just do tequila, soda, and lime. Yes. Yes, very nice. Yeah, you can do that. You're not paying on calories. Now I'm a stepdad.

I do that all day. You're constantly, you've always had two tequila sodas. That's your base level. That's my base. As soon as one wears off, you drink another one. At Nicole Byer on Twitter. Is it just Nicole Byer on Instagram as well? Fantastic.

I got it. New podcast. This is a head gum crossover episode. Uh-huh. I love crossovers. It's a head gum. I feel like we should have a drop for it. Drop?

Damn, son. Is this a head gum crossover? You have a new podcast called Why Won't You Date Me? Yes. Tell our listeners about it because I think they'd be into it oh boy it's a podcast where i try to figure out why i'm so single and there's a couple episodes where i talk to dudes i've fucked and hooked up with yeah one guy i blew in a bathroom and he was very open to talk was he really wow yeah dan lippard he's really funny really great well i mean he says his name on the podcast. He's on the podcast already.

I think that's the second episode. Yeah. I talked to a man whose fluoride peed off. Whoa. Who's not a comedian. Did you want to date these people, though? What? Did you want to date these people?

Some, yes. Okay. Some, yes. Some, no. Like, Will Hines, the first episode, I think I told him that I was in love with him for a very long time. Yeah. Well, if not then, he knows now.

Bam. But I loved Will Hines. Is this crossover? It's a fun time, I think. Yeah, that sounds great. And you've got, yeah, so you've got Will Hines on the first one. And then I think Dan Lippert's the second one. Yeah.

Just a bunch of comics. Dan Black. A's the second one. Yeah. Just a bunch of comics. Dan Black. A lot of improvisers. Alison Rich does an episode. Yeah. Jacob Wysocki. Emily Heller. Oh, yeah.

She's recording her special in Portland. Don't know when, but- Is she really? Yeah, she's going to record it at the Curious Comedy Theater. Everybody comes up to Portland to do that. Portland's great. I love doing comedy in Portland. Isn't it great?

It's always good. It's wonderful. It's never really a bummer. I had five shows at Helium and they all were just magical. That's amazing. It's such a fun. One's better than the next. All the people at that club are great. Shout out to everyone who works at Helium and goes to shows there.

Helium's fucking great. So check out Why Won't You Date Me. That sounds really great. What else would you have to plug? You've got a bunch of stuff cooking. So I have the second season of my show, Loosely Exactly Nicole. Yes. Yeah, that'll come out one day. Don't know when.

The first season's already streaming on Facebook, which is weird. They've explained it to no one. But there's tons of content on Facebook. What? Yeah, you go to the watch. See, you don't know. Nobody knows. I don't touch that.

I don't know that either. Yeah, usually Facebook will like, yeah, it's the little TV thing. Oh, no, I watch Marshawn Lynch's show on there sometimes. Then watch mine. I will. I didn't even know. Yeah, there's a bunch of shit up there. Or not shit. Good content. Good shit. Good shit up there. And that's about it. It's right there on the left. Oh, is it?

It's easy? It's so easy. Yeah, there you go. That's Facebook watch page. Everyone, you can have it on your phones. You can have it on Apple TV, Roku, your computer. It's great. What else do I have going on?

I'll probably start touring again next year. there it is it pops right up you just type in nicole byer it's all there there you go it's all there just go to facebook and look for me so you'll be you'll be hitting the road again soon i believe so next year probably like february march-ish i don't have dates yet but keep an eye out on that yeah follow the follow the twitter it'll be on twitter the twitter follow the instagram so put them up there there it is there it is there it is there i am uh i am ian carmel the the host at ian carmel on twitter ian carmel on instagram come see me and uh sean jordan and and some fun some fun other guests at revolution hall december 22nd in portland oregon some tickets still available.

But usually I would lie and say this, but it's true. They are going fast, which is amazing. Thank you. Thank you, Portland. And yeah, that's kind of it. I'll be goofing around in New York next week, but I'll almost, oh no. Yeah, I'll be in New York City doing something Thursday and Friday night. So if you're in New York City.

Stand-up comedy. Yeah, stand- be in New York City doing something Thursday and Friday night. So if you're in New York City. Stand-up comedy. Yeah, stand-up comedy somewhere. I don't know where yet, but I'm going to be there for work I just found out. That's fun. I know. I love it. I miss New York. I do, too.

I've never been in the dead of winter before. Oh, it's awful. Is it? Oh, it's bad. It's not going to be bad. I'm going to be there, too. Oh, yeah, you'll be there. It's not going to be bad next week, like sunny in 56 or something. Oh, that's great.

Yeah, that's perfect. That's when the snow comes and the sun doesn't come out and you're like, do I die? So I guess I just crawl under the subway now. Yeah, so I'll be there, but more than anything, yeah, come out to Revolution Hall. Keep listening to All Fantasy Everything. Tell your friends. Subscribe

on iTunes. What else should I tell them to do, Marissa? Leave a review. Oh, yeah. Rate us five stars and leave a review. Do all that. It just takes a second. We do it for you.

If you start a podcast and you're listening to this, I will leave a five-star review. I cannot make that promise. Including mine? Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I will do that for yours. I haven't done that yet.

Oh, I can do that for yours. Yeah, too done that yet. Oh, I can do that for yours. Yeah, too. Thank you. Do it for mine, too. And for Nicole. Do it for all of our podcasts. Everyone has a podcast. Go to the HeadGum roster

and Who's Your God? And David did my podcast talking about his religious beliefs. I did do your podcast. Seems godless. Don't say that. Not all the way. You don't believe in God?

I do believe my mom listens to this, man. I'm saying you were not godless. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm not godless. I haven't been asked to be on that podcast either. And he's Jewish. I want to have you on.

I would love to do it. Okay, let's do it. All right, cool. Bar Mitzvah and everything. I'm real busy, though. Yeah, we do it during the day. You have a job. We do it Tuesday afternoon.

I want to be asked and turn it down, all right? Okay. I'll ask. So, yeah, we're going to get right to the... Today we are drafting dating. It's a big, wide-open topic. I'm really excited to get into it, and we'll get into it right after this quick word from our sponsor. Today's episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by HelloFresh.

This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by HelloFresh. HelloFresh is a meal kit delivery service that shops, plans, and delivers your favorite step-by-step recipes and pre-measured ingredients so you can just cook, eat, and enjoy. And HelloFresh is so convenient. Here's what you do. You choose your delivery day, which works best for you and your busy schedule, and you can pause the account for weeks at a time when you're out of town. So if you're hitting the road, maybe you want to go see Shane Torres live somewhere, buy him a sampler platter. You can just pause it, hit the road, and then pick it back up right when you get back. And here's what's the best thing. All the ingredients come pre-measured in handy labeled meal kits so you know which ingredients go with which recipe.

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Again, for $30 off your first week of HelloFresh, go to www.HelloFresh.com and enter offer code FANTASY30. Back to the podcast. All right, welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. We are about to draft dating. And to determine the order of the draft, the three of you will play a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Okay.

And we throw on shoot. All right, so here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! All right, two papers and one scissor. So scissor wins. Amy, you win. You can determine the order of the Dating All Fantasy Everything draft.

Okay. I'm going to go Nicole first. All right. Okay. Then David. Okay. Then me, then Ian. All right.

I'm happy to go last. Get that double up. Get that double up. All right, Nicole, so you have the first pick. And this is something I like about dating. It could be something you like. Yeah. I think mostly something you like, but yes, just something you want to pick about dating.

It could be anything. I made a list on my phone, and the first one I put was being eaten out. Yes. It's so good. My favorite thing. I imagine it's great. They haven't been through this. Marissa, she knows.

You're giving a thumbs up. Thumbs up from the studio. It's very nice when you're dating someone for a little bit. Yeah. Maybe even not a little bit. Maybe you just start dating and he goes down there and he's like, munch, munch, munch, munch, munch, munch. It's nice. When he goes down to eat it like a vulture.

Yes. Yes. Eat it like a vulture. Yeah. Shout out to Missy Elliott. Yep, Missy Elliott. Does that mean go downtown, eat it like a vulture? Go downtown, eat it like a vulture.

I just think like- Eat it when it's hot out? Desperately. Ugh. Be a bald, be bald while you eat it. Eat it while it's hot out. Isn't that, do vultures not eat in the desert? I don't know exactly what, I think they are.

They eat like the entrails of other animals too. Oh, that makes so much more sense. Yeah, because it's your guts. They literally get them guts. You're eating up them guts. Yeah, that makes more sense than a heat thing. It is nice when you're dating someone and then you learn the lay of the land a little bit. Yeah. Because the first time, you're just hacking at weeds. You don't you learn the lay of the land a little bit. Yeah.

You know, because you have to- Because the first time, you're just hacking at weeds. You don't know where the trail is. You don't know. You're trying stuff out. You're going to- I mean, not that we need the male's perspective on this. This definitely-

Yeah, no one- It's so hard. You have an array of moves and you're like, all right, do any of these work? What about this one? A dizzying array of moves. A dizzying array. And sometimes you're bringing in moves from other people. Right, exactly.

Other vaginas. Yeah. And we can always tell. When it's a, when it's a, when something is almost like two. Sometimes you can almost feel like how passive of a woman the last girlfriend was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you're like, I don't like when you stab your finger in. Like it's a porno.

Did she not tell you that? Like you can feel the moves that. Yeah, when a man does something super confidently that's wrong,no did she not tell you that like you can feel the moves yeah when a man does something super confidently that's wrong you're like that you did that to a lady who said thank you yeah do you are you are you instructive in bed oh very you are what the fuck is the point of being silent everybody needs to get something so i'll just help you out. It's better for everybody. Even if it's just a hookup and you're like, I don't know if we're doing this again, then you need to instruct even more.

If it's just the once, it should be fun. There's no learning opportunities. We're done after this. Eating out is a great thing with someone that you don't know very well, too. Because you don't have to look at them. Nope. you don't have to look at your mistake in the face it's just down there covered what do you watch while that's happening you just like kind of close your eyes

are you upstairs thinking about other stuff depends yeah i don't know sometimes i mean i'll look down there a lot of the time if they're a handsome face. Yeah. And then I want to see what's going on. If they're handsome from the nose up. Yeah. Yeah. What if they're like dog ass from the nose up? Then you're just. What, a cyclops?

Like. Yeah, I don't know. Is anybody ugly enough to not look down on? Like someone with hair plugs or something? Oh, that would be rough. What if it was a bald guy? Would you look down at him if he was bald? Yeah.

Yeah, of course. I don't mind a bald guy. Jason Statham going down on you. Okay. Like a dream. Yeah, right would be rough. What if it was a bald guy? Would you look down at him if he was bald? Yeah. Yeah, of course. I don't mind a bald guy. Jason Statham going down on you. Okay. Ooh, a dream. Yeah, right? A dream. He's short and he's mobile, so I feel like he'd be great at it.

He's short and mobile. Oh, yeah. He's one of those short actors. Oh, I didn't know he was tiny. But he's yoked. He's got like cannonball shoulders. Yeah. He's real strong.

Is that a term? Cannonball shoulders? Cannonball shoulders, dude. Yeah, bald is fine. An in-denial kind of bald, like a Stevie Wonder situation. Oh, no, but Stevie can't see what's happening. He can touch his head. The bald but still trying to do cornrows is a tough look.

The rows are so far back now. Yeah. Yeah, it's a bad profit on us. They're the cheapest seats. Sometimes I just stare at the ceiling if it's not going well and I've already given instruction and he's not a good learner and you're just like alright this will be over soon

some people aren't coachable I think some people are uncoachable it's a problem in basketball too they're gunners they get in there and start jacking up shots they're trying to do what worked in high school and it's like hey this is a different league there must be a, and it's like, hey, this is a different league, pal. Well, you, can you, there must be a point when it's like, all right, they're never going to land this plane.

At what point does it become like a nuisance? I mean, are you just like, all right, I'm kind of enjoying this, and then at some point it just stops? I've said to people, that's enough. This is good for me. Yeah, you have to. Did you come? I'm fine. I'm fine. Yeah, I'm not gonna.

I'm doing great. Just do it yourself a lot of the time. You just, after they leave. Or when they're still there. Oh, yeah. Just finish it off. Heartbreaker. Be like, this is what you couldn't accomplish.

Yeah, then stare at them in the eyes. Look at it. This is how you do it. Like when a dog pees on the floor. Yeah. Rub his face in it. Exactly. Oh, we're getting very blue.

My mother does listen to this, but mom, don't listen to this. Oh, no. This is not one for just- She's had sex. She has had sex, but- Your mom knows. I know. I acknowledge her sexuality, and I know that she knows I'm active.

Every mother wants to know that her son goes down on ladies. I just want to give her a heads up, because now I'm going to talk in detail about something. Okay. So she wants to skip forward. I had some, I was with a woman once and she just like at one point just told me to hold my head there and then just moved her hips. She was like. Oh, yeah.

Was she sitting on your face or were you down there? I was down there. Oh, and she just came up on me. And just like put your tongue out and then I was like, use as a prop in a way that I didn't mind at all. I was like, great. She's smart. I started thinking about what I was going to do the next day. I was just like, alright, if I leave

it like one, I can probably get back to LA. Sometimes I think, what can I go do before I have to wash my face? Oh yeah, not a lot. You can go to a Wendy's though. You can go to a Wendy's. You can wash your face before you go to wash my face. Oh, yeah. Not a lot. You can go to a Wendy's, though. You can go to a Wendy's. Why don't you go wash your face before you go to the Wendy's? I mean, don't go to a Wendy's with pussy on your face. Do they have a face towel?

It's too late. It's way too late. The frosty's out of the cups. Way too late. She's already said it. My mom's listening to this and laughing. Being eaten out. Great first pick.

Yeah. Excellent first pick. It is fantastic. David Borey. My first pick is actually getting a blowjob. Is it real? Oh, yeah. There you go.

Oh. No, I didn't know that we... You already changed... Man, you already changed... Changed the game completely. You go anywhere with it. That's awesome, though. That's a really good thing.

That's a really... All right. So my first pick is... I love completely. That's awesome, though. That's a really good thing. All right. So my first pick is I love talking shit together. Oh, yeah. That's great. It's just so much fun. And I love it because it'll be like sometimes you have a friend that you've had for so long, and you don't really talk shit about that. You've just known him forever.

Yeah. And then a girl comes in, and she's like, so and so, he listens to like stupid music, huh? You're like, oh my God, it's so dumb. It's not. I hate it. And then you can, and I love, I just love talking shit to you. It's very like when you have just a very insular, good person to talk to. Yeah.

Yes. It's a good barometer for how things will go long term too. Because sometimes you go on dates with people who don't talk any shit. Yeah, and it's upsetting. Yeah, and they're like, I don't know. I think he's nice. Let him listen to whatever. And you're like, no.

No. I have to judge him. Be petty with me. Yeah. That's what we're doing here is we're going to be petty together. We're going to be petty together all the time. Hopefully, right? Hating the same stuff is almost as important

as liking the same stuff. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. It really is. And because you're liking hating it. That as liking the same stuff. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. It really is. And because you're liking hating it. That's what it really is. You know, yeah.

Yeah. It feels good to hate sometimes. There's a whole dating app. I'm not going to plug them because they were on Shark Tank. Oh, yeah. But there's a whole dating app that's just based on things that you mutually hate together. Oh, I love that. Yeah, that's how you get matched up.

That does sound like a good idea. Wait, tell me what it is. It's called Hater. Oh, I love that. Yeah, that's how you get matched up. That does sound like a good idea. Wait, tell me what it is. It's called Hater. With like an eight? But according to their Shark Tank episode, they're mostly in New York right now. Great. And Oslo.

Oh, you should tell your mom. Yeah, tell your mom about Hater. She's married. Can you use it for friends? I'll tell her to tell her. It'd be great for friends. She has a weird group of international friends. I want to meet your mom so bad.

Is your mom a diamond thief? What's going on? No, I don't know. She did. Her brother, though, told me that back in the day to steal diamonds the way you would do it from Sierra Leone. Yeah. Because when they come, so there's so many diamonds in Kono District that at least when

they were kids before it got mined out, they would rain and diamonds would come out of the ground. Oh, my God. But my uncle said- Oden. What? I said Oden. Yeah, yeah. But my uncle said- Oh, dang. What? I said, oh, dang. Yeah, yeah.

But my uncle said, because when they come out, they just look like rocks. So my uncle said, you put them in the tread of your boots, and then you just fly away to another country. Oh, shit. As soon as you get on the plane, you just climb out of the tread of your boots. Wow. Whole family grease balls. Yeah.

Grease balls in the old country. Grease balls in the old country. Grease balls in the old country grease balls in the old country grease balls in the new country i do there's one problem with um bonding over hating stuff that i run into a lot which is then later snitches get stitches no not that but there's the thing where like then your partner's like well i didn't want to tell you that i liked the sinks i thought you'd make fun of me and you're like like, no, I would never. And then they're like, but you hate everything. Yeah, yeah. No, not when you do it.

It's cute when you do it. We're a team. I hate that trait in everyone else. Yeah. But when you do it, it's cool. Yeah, exactly. It's like adorable. That can be a prank. God, that happened to me recently.

I forget what it was about, though. Yeah. It might have just even been. Or people are just like, obviously you would have fucking made fun of me, Ian. Like, why would I tell you that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That kind of thing.

That's probably almost always how Shane feels around us, his friends. That's probably true. Like, I was going to tell you, but you're all horribly mean. I was going to tell you I wanted this denim

Dallas Cowboys jacket, but I knew you would make fun of me. That's why you had to date someone who's like not afraid of it. Who's got to be like, I know you're going would make fun of me. That's why you gotta date someone who's not afraid of it. Who's gotta be like, I know you're gonna make fun of me and here's something I like or whatever. That's true.

I love when a girl will talk shit to me. About you? About me. Oh, yeah. And make fun of me for liking something. How could you not? You're a cartoon character. I know, exactly.

It's me, Mario. I have a mustache right now and with the mustache I'm even more of a cartoon. It's pretty silly. I'd make fun of you constantly if we were dating. I love it.

I like when you make fun of me just as when we're friends. Yeah. But yeah, I like getting made fun of every now and then. Yeah. I like when you first talk about something you hate and someone also hates it and you see the twinkle in their eye.

And then you just kind of rev up to hate it together. It feels so good. I went on a date with a man and I told him how much I hate soup. And he went, wow, I don't think I've ever hated anything like that. And that was like the beginning of the end. And I was like, just think about it. Do you hate anything? He was like, I guess I hate the injustice in the end that's a red flag just think about it do you hate anything he was like i guess i hate the injustice in the world and i was like and i was like okay he was white wasn't he nicole he was white but then i hit him back with i hate

injustice too the injustice that they serve soup in restaurants and he didn't laugh. You're just crushing for nobody. Do the type five for no one. Crushing for nobody. Crushing for nobody. That's amazing. What's wrong with soup? I get it. I love soup. Your soup is terrible. You're selling me hot water.

Oh, this good ass soup. You want fucking tomato soup? That's just ketchup that's been heated up. You don't like like a gumbo or something? A gumbo? Chili? That's not soup. Soup, that's not soup.

Gumbo's not soup. Chili's not soup. Chowder? Chowder, that's soup. That's disgusting. It's delicious. I love a chowder. I love a clam or a corn chowder.

With like clams. Oh. Oh no, I like it in a bread bowl. Yeah. It's here. The only thing I can think of that's appetizing is like broccoli cheddar in a bread bowl. Because that's like gravy. I love bread bowl in general.

Cream of mushroom is good. I like a chicken soup. I like a matzo ball soup. Is cream of mushroom the one they put on green bean casserole? What is cream of mushroom? There's no cream in mushroom. It's cream and mushroom is what they call it. There's no cream in mushroom. It's cream and mushroom. That's what they call it. It's poor grammar.

But they call it cream of mushroom. Cream of mushroom? Creamed corn? You can't cream a corn. You can't cream a corn. What is that? It's a bad French translation that we started doing food-wise where they'll do like creme de something. And then we were like cream of whatever.

We just stole it. I didn't know that. It doesn't make sense in English. I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, right? Because you're in Sean's seat and Sean would have said the opposite. He's an idiot.

Sean joined in. I don't know. I think soup is dope. He's never heard of France. Soup is dope. What's France? He's never heard of France. He simultaneously hasn't heard of France but knows every skater from there.

Yeah. That would be his move. Yeah. But yeah, my first pick. Talking shit together. What a lovely notion. It's good. Amy Miller, it's time for your first pick.

Okay. This is a hard one. My first pick, I think, is going to be free meals. Ooh. That's just for me and Nicole and Marissa again. Is that what you think? Oh, I bet you've had some free meals in your day. A bunch.

Most of them. You're very charming. Yeah, you get them all for free. I pay a lot. You do? Well, you're very successful. I pay every time as well. I pay, not for the whole thing.

We go Dutch. What is that? When two people pay? Yes. I usually, like the bill will thing. We go Dutch. What is that? When two people pay? Yes. I usually, like, the bill will come. Well, it's because I like playing this one game where I grab the bill and I go, guess how much it is? It's not even a game. It's just a thing I do.

Because nobody wins. It's not a game. If he's about his business, he already has a loose tally of how much it is. You'd be surprised how wrong people are. Really? I feel like I have always. I only started paying in the last year and a half, two years maybe. But yeah, I always.

I will. I take a general scope of the whole thing and then I see what page is she on the most. Here's the thing. I will pay or go Dutch with someone that I do like a lot where there might be a future in it. Yeah. But if I'm out here dating these fucking busters where I know that within two weeks they're going to be in love but not want to publicly date because I'm not skinny, I'm going to

fucking get their free meals now. Yeah, absolutely. Which is funny because the meals is what they don't want me to have. I guess that's what I do. Otherwise, we'd be together. The meals that they don't want me to have. It's honestly more likely that if I'm on a casual thing where we're just going to hook up or the guy's a loser that I'll take all the free stuff. Yeah, if he's a piece of shit, he could pay.

But if I'm like, oh boy, I think I'm going to go out again, I'll offer to pay that. Is that what that means? Because now I feel like I have done some damage. I feel bad that Ian only pays. I pay for everything. I pay on dates. I pay out when I'm out with friends.

He's a payer. I'm a payer. When we went to Momofuku in Las Vegas. He paid. Your boy paid. I am also a payer. How much did you pay? It was too much fucking money.

It was a lot of money. How much? I would love to know. It was like a 800 plus meal. Let's just say we had a bidet in the bathroom. There were five of us. We had fried chicken and caviar for dinner. That's nice.

And sake and some cocktails and then some buns. The kind of sake where they came and they wouldn't let us drink sake until Ian came because I think they could smell who was paying. They just would be like hovering with the bottle. Wait until Ian sat down. They'd be like, okay, and they'd let him try it. That's very funny.

It was a big night. It was a friend situation also. It was a big night. What? I'm totally a payer with friends. Yeah. You know that. But I pay in every scenario.

I probably have taken you to dinner. You've taken me to dinner a bunch of times when I was actually hungry. Yes. Aww. I know that broke my heart a little bit. That's so sad. I could cry right now. It's okay now. No. I'm sad. I don't want you to be hungry ever. I've got a bunch of money in my pocket. My sweet

little boy. How much money is in your pocket right now? You're like a hundred bucks? Really? A hundred bucks cash? Yeah, probably. Let me get it. Let me get it. Time to get me back for some of those dinners. You want to go to lunch after this? I'll buy you lunch after this. Oh yeah, I'd love to. I keep it in, I used to keep it in

all my pockets when I was really poor, but now I keep it all in my wallet, all my money. Okay. Wait, when you were poor, you would just put it in your pocket? You gotta have it stashed in different places. Like, I'd have some money in my sock, like, just in case. How poor, you would just put it in your pocket? You got to have it stashed in different places. I got to have some money in my sock. Because people get rough. How poor were you? As poor as you can be and not be dead, I think.

In the mouth? Yeah. I had backpack chicken, so if that counts. You had backpack chicken? Which Amy would eat some of sometimes. Why would you eat this poor man's backpack chicken? That was the day I fell in love. I was paying it back.

That's very funny. Is it free exchange of backpack chicken. That was the day I fell in love. I was paying it back. Yeah, that's very funny. Is it free exchange of backpack chicken and meals? Is it loose backpack chicken or is it wrapped up? No, in like a plastic bag from Safeway or whatever. Yeah, it was in the bag. I'm not a loose leaf chicken kind of person. I'm not above it. I guess I should clarify, free meals from losers. Yes, okay.

There you go, yeah. There it is. Okay, which you've probably also taken. Okay. There you go. Yeah. There it is. Okay. Which you've probably also taken, David. Oh, okay. Yeah. I feel like you let some girls pay where you knew it wasn't going anywhere. I've had some girls pay because I wanted the food.

It is good. I'll have girls who feel- The food is good. Girl, when I date someone long term, they'll usually start picking up a breakfast. Yeah. But then I'll do all the dinners. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of thing. I'll do the big ticket items and everything because I feel bad too.

It also seems you float to where you can, right? When it starts going where it's like, okay. It's not even so much chivalry as it is almost like a socialist notion of to each what they need and from each what they can. I'm lucky because I have a really good job, so I'm going to fucking pick up dinner. Why not? Because the money means less to me right now. I also meet a lot of dudes who don't have money.

Yeah. Who will be like, oh, you're going to get that? I'm like, I'll fucking, I'll pay for it. It's fine. As a dude who doesn't have money, you shouldn't do that. I think that you can be too poor to date. Oh, you absolutely can be too poor to date. Yeah, that's totally true.

Yeah, if you can't pay for at least your half, don't want to date. Not if you're a date. Oh, you absolutely can be too good a date. Yeah, it's totally true. Yeah, if you can't pay her, at least your half doesn't want to date. Not if you're a girl. Oh, girls can date if they're broke as fuck. But that's like the system. Yeah, that's the system. I'm being a really bad feminist right now. I don't know. If I was like poor and went on a date and then like the bill came and I

didn't like, if I didn't have money and like couldn't make the move to be like, I'll pay for a half, I would be so scared. I'd be like, what's going to happen? Is he going to pay for the move to be like, I'll pay for half. I would be so scared. I'd be like, what's going to happen? Is he going to pay for the whole thing? What's going to happen? I feel like poor people also go on poor people dates. I guess.

I've straight up told people, I've just been like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm super broke right now. And then they're like, it's, it's all right. Let's just go anyway. Yola tango. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What is the best meal you've been taken out on?

Ooh. You know what? It was about an almost $900 bill for two of us. Damn. Where'd you go? Two people. Mine was for five. It was five dudes.

Five fat dudes getting drunk. And Zach and Sean, who's not fat, but is. Zach, he's in the club. There's a very expensive restaurant in San Francisco called Saison, where it's like 30 small bites or something. And everything is one bite, and it's all paired with one sip of a specific kind of drink. So you're like, slash of champagne, one tasty little morsel, and then you do that like 30 times. That's stupid.

Was Cez on a point list? No, no, he wasn't a loser. It's okay. He's not going to listen. No. No. This was just like a friend and nothing ever happened with. But he just had it like that and he took you out on a $900?

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. That's fun. I've never been treated to like a $900 dinner, but I did go to this great Thai place so I was like ooh

this is my new Thai spot that counts yeah it was fun he made me eat soup and and it wasn't bad and it was after I was like

I hate soup apparently I tell everyone that I hate soup that's a big that's a real big lie he was like no I'm gonna take you

to soup that you're going to love. And I was like, fuck you. But then it was great. Coconut based like Tom Cum? Yes. Tom Cum. Tom Cum Yum? Tom Cum Guy. It's definitely not Tom Yum. Yeah, you know Tom Cum.

Are you saying Tom Cum? What is that stuff called? Tom Cum Guy. Tom Cum Guy? Tom Cum Guy. I'll have Guy. Tom-Com Guy. Tom-Com? That's not, this is a Wayne's World joke. Guy. Tom-Com Guy? I'll have the cream of Tom-Com Guy.

Some young guy. Tom-Com Guy. That is what it's called. I believe you. I believe you. Very good. What did I call it? Tom-Com?

Tom-Com. That sounds like an adults only tall tale from America. Tom-Com. Wandered around the American West, coming on everything. Tom come, you need a vagina for six hours. Here's the other thing with paying for stuff is a lot of the time, you gotta know

Ian, like, you're paying for the sins of many other men that have come before you some of the time. I'm happy to do it. Because as many times as I've been paid for I've also paid and been taken to the secret IHOP where people only take

their mistresses. Shit like that. The secret IHOP? Oh, yeah. That sounds like a lonely, lonely place. There's an IHOP in Hayward where, like,

if dudes that you're dating in Oakland don't want to, like, be seen out with you, they take you, like, it's like a thing. I found out after. Wow. Because I mentioned it to someone.'s like a thing. I found out after. Wow.

Wait, I'm mad someone's taking you to IHOP. That's what I'm most mad about. I will say IHOP's surprisingly expensive. Is it? More than you'd think. It's higher than the Denny's. Denny's is wild.

I just went to a Denny's. It was real good. It is good. I love it. IHOP can add up. I had a chat for a day, but it was tasty going down. It was. Spicy coming out, even though none of the food was. It is good. I hopped in that for a day, but it was tasty going down. It was.

Spicy coming out, even though none of the food was. Yeah, seriously. How is that spicy? How does my butt hurt? I have pancakes. Ian, what's the most you've spent on a date with a lady? With a lady? Or a man. It might be with a man. I took Shane out. God damn it, Shane!

Last time I was in New York... Oh, the Michelin star. Yeah, because I... It's not very relatable. This tax bill just passed, and I feel terrible even talking about it, but I like going to Michelin star restaurants now, just because it's like an experience. You take people, though, and you

spread it around. I do spread it around and I took Shane out to this restaurant in New York called The Modern which is in the Museum of Modern Art. Yes, yes, yes.

He tried to order chicken fingers. He was wearing a denim jacket. God damn it. He looked good. He looked good. He wore his Conan outfit.

He was handsome in that jacket. Our boy looked good and I was, you know, dressed kind of casual too. We were all right. And I was dressed kind of casual, too. We were all right. Martha Stewart was there. But that ended up being about $500 that I took that meal. But a girl, probably three and a half, four.

But that doesn't even count if you've taken someone for a weekend, which I'm sure you've done. I have done that. Yeah. With a cabin and shit. Oh, dating you is fun. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With like a cabin and shit. Oh, dating you is fun. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Ian's the best. Parts of it have to be because other parts are terrible. I mean, he loves comedy more than he'll ever love a woman. Yeah. Are we allowed to say that out loud? I told a girl that once.

Oh, man. That was early. Oh, a lot of people had that. I feel like that's early comedy. That was early comedy. Oh, yeah. That's like when you're still doing the open mics. You're just like, I just love telling jokes like Nick's crispy tacos more than I love you.

She asked like, which do you love more? And I was like, back me into that corner. Oh, after the fucking Whiplash movie came out, a lot of you guys had that conversation. This was pre-Whiplash. This was like early days. You haven't seen Whiplash with the drummer? Oh, are you in it? Miles Teller.

No. That's just kind of what it's about. Oh, yeah. Where he has this talk with a girl where he's like. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm trying to remember that movie. Oh, the comics I knew decided that.

Oh, it was a bunch of white people doing jazz again. Yes. White and off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two years in a row. Like, la, la, la. White people save jazz. Oh, yeah, because it's the same person.

It's the same director, yeah. I can't believe he got away with that twice. Twice. Yeah, and people are like, it's so good. Oh, man, it's a strange comment. Let's just make a movie where white people dance in the lights. Yeah. I've got a million dollars.

You really will. But anyways. I don't know, but he got his comeuppance when those little black fingies ripped those Oscars out of their hands. Yoink. They said, give me my Oscar. Little black fingies. Sorry, Damien.

Oh, the whole thing was wild. I loved that Oscar thing. My blue-eyed wife, give me my Oscar. It was a beautiful moment. It was a beautiful... La La Land was good, but it was like... No, it wasn't. I didn't watch it and think like...

No, it was fun. I never wanted to watch it again. It was fine. It was fine. Then it wasn't very good. Well, I have a very low bar for what I consider to be a good movie. I like most movies. And you still wouldn't watch it again.

That's what I'm saying. That's a good point. Sometimes you gotta just go in with a positive attitude. I watched Airfare twice this week. It's $17. Yeah. I gotta like it. But you could get MoviePass.

Have you heard of this thing? Oh, yes. I just heard of MoviePass. Tell people about MoviePass. It's amazing. It's great. It's like, what, like $ bucks a month or 10 bucks a month? And you can see a movie every fucking day.

Yeah. Almost everywhere. That's how desperate they are. I really like movies. I don't know how they're going to make money, that company. That part. I bet you they're going to hike it up. Like, now is the initial come out.

Like Netflix. Or maybe they're banking on, like, people forgetting to cancel it. Yeah, probably. And then never seeing a movie. Also, are people going to the movies like that? Yeah. What? Like, I don't go to cancel it. Yeah, probably. And then never seeing a movie. Also, are people going to the movies like that? Yeah. What? I don't go to...

Yeah, Adam does. I go to lots of movies. I love going to the movies. I go to the movies, but I feel like I live in LA. Yeah, but it pays for itself in one movie here. I go to more movies in LA than I ever did in New York. Yeah. Really?

But also, I was very poor in New York. See? Very, very poor. But also, shit gets here and there first. Yeah, it does. The Arclight is fun. MoviePass does also, shit gets here and there first. Yeah, it does. The Arclight is fun. MoviePass does not work at the Arclight, though. Oh, it doesn't?

No. That's the bummer part. It's a crime. Where do I have to go? You can go to those four. You can go to any. You can go to, like, yeah, Glendale, those big theaters. Oh, okay.

It doesn't work at Highland Park Theater. The Grove. Just no Arclights. I do like that Grove Theater. The Grove one is nice. That's nice. I saw Power Rangers there. I heard Power Rangers was good, actually.

It takes too long to get to the action, but the best part of Power Rangers was this little boy who was in the theater who was walking up the stairs, and he was winded because he was very fat, and he had to sit down and catch his breath. He was like, okay. He was so fat.

Oh, Damien. That's a little fat Damien fat. Hold on, Damien. That's a little fat. Yeah, a little Damien. I was like, that's my little fat friend. Little fat buddy. El Gordo. Free meals from losers. Oh, yeah.

We got to keep it moving. We haven't even done one round. We haven't even got. We'll whip through these next couple. All right. It's time for me. All right. I'm going for me. All right. I'm going to go and pick the first date.

The first date is one of my... I love dating, Justin John. I love going on dates. That is weird. So much. Well, it's not weird. Men succeed in dating. Yeah.

Men succeed in everything. Yeah, that's true. I just, I especially, that's true. I just especially love it. I think it's so fun. I think, I mean. It's definitely interesting. It's interesting.

It's exciting. It's very human. I have never had a bad date. I've had bad dates, but I've never had a bad first date. That's because everyone's on their best behavior. Everyone's kind of on their best behavior. I get to, for some reason, like my brain sends down like a extra package of charming. It's been so long, though, since you've had a date where someone didn't have a lot of context for you.

Oh, that's a good point. Because even before you got here, you were like Portland known. Yeah. So people are, of course you like first dates because everyone already admires you when you get there. Oh, yeah. They're your fans.

I don't know if my last first date was like that. Take the happiness from him. I liked first dates even before that, though. I've liked them

the whole time. I just think I get up for them. Yeah. I think the same thing that maybe makes me a... Some people are clutch players. I'm a clutch player. That's like my... That's when I'm at my best. Like if I... If I get up for them I think the same thing that maybe makes me a I'm a clutch player

that's when I'm at my best like if I were to do sometimes you can be so charming that you don't even know you don't even know what's going on you're standing outside of your body like who is this funny guy if I taped a comedy special in the middle of a first date it would be one of the greatest comedy specials of all time

you know when you're killing the whole room like the waiter loves you and the table behind you You know when you're killing the whole room like the waiter loves you? And the table behind you loves you? And you're just like, pointing? My man. Oh, that's Ian's whole life. I've been on a plane with this dude. And every flight attendant was in love.

Yeah, you've got to spread it around a little bit. But didn't you ever have the experience where you weren't crushing with that girl? And then you're like, what the fuck? I'm so funny. What's wrong with you? Yeah, the girl I'm dating now I thought I wasn't doing well on the first date. It turns out she's just kind of quiet.

Yeah. It just made me work even harder. And then I was afraid that I was doing too much. But it all worked out. Yeah, and you're like, shit. Now I'm trying to go crazy. There's nothing worse than a charming dude,

a person who thinks he's charming, but he's not going real hard. Yes. It's just the worst thing to watch. That's what I was afraid was happening, but it turns out it was working, but just in a way that I wasn't used to. That's fair.

But, yeah. I also love, I mean, I love dating, and especially that first date, because what I like to, you pick out a restaurant that maybe you've never been to before, and you're like, worst case scenario, at least I've been to this restaurant now. Yeah. You know?

You turn on the music when you're at home, getting ready. Oh, man. Yeah. It is fun. You put all your, what does Solomon say? Lotions, potions, and salves? What? Who said that?

Solomon says that? Whenever I- Lotions, potions, and what? Salves? Salves, yeah. Or balms, maybe? It says something where he says them all at the same time. Lotions, potions, and what? Solves? Solves, yeah. The balms maybe? It says something where he says them all at the same time. Lotions, potions, and balms?

Oh, yeah. This is my magic recipe. 100%. You got the Kiehl's face lotion. You got that Joe Malone right on the wrist and the one on the neck. Some of that baby powder. I don't know what you're moves. I've never used a baby powder in my life.

What? I don't even know what you do with it. Where does it go? You just splash it down. On your balls. what your moves. I've never used a baby powder in my life. What? I don't even know what you do with it. Where does it go? You just splash it down between your legs and your balls. And it just dries everything out? It keeps it fresh. It keeps it smelling like baby powder. Oh my, maybe I should.

You would love it. I schedule first dates after shows. Ooh, that's a good idea. I have a good show, and then I walk into the date feeling good. Yes. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. I have a good show, and then I walk into the date feeling good. Yes. Oh, yeah. That adrenaline. And then I try to sandwich it between shows so that I have an excuse to leave if it's going poorly.

That's a great idea. Oh, that is a great idea. Because I hate lying to people. Yeah. And I've lied to a couple dudes to be like, I can't go to the second location. But I just like being like, oh, I have to go do a show. I'm so sorry. And can I come?

No. Sorry. That's an easy out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is a good idea. That second location switch on a first date is also really fun you have to be willing to say like this isn't going well and i'm gonna go i did that with someone and that felt so bad too bad i think though even if it feels bad but it's it feels bad but it hurts my heart the best thing you can do though yeah it is the night it is the kindest most selfless thing you can do yeah also he's gonna

learn more from that loss 100% he's gonna learn from you going to the second location i've been trying to write stand-up about this and i can't figure out how to crack it but like when people give you these bullshit excuses or they like prolong a relationship or give you some bullshit excuse like, you know, I just like it's I just I don't know where I'm at. Yeah. Like whether it's getting out of a first date, like I got to get up early tomorrow or it's like if you're you know, you've been dating for a couple of months and you're like, I just you know, I don't know what it is. I just it maybe it's me and I can't. And it's like, no, tell me what's going on. Like, like, yeah, you got to you gotta take the loss like that's the hard

thing about because women are so like good to us there's a lot of dudes out there never took the L who don't learn any lessons like shut his shit not that it should be a woman's responsibility to tell us what's wrong with us but at the same time

I appreciate because I've had like breakups or even just like problems in relationships where they gave me like a bullshit excuse and then i try to fix this bullshit excuse and it turns out that was never find out from someone else yeah what the real reason was she said she said you got gross feet yeah yeah oh i gotta grow i gotta fix my fucking gross feet you just keep putting lotion on your feet. That's not the problem. I was in a relationship where the woman told me that I was too affectionate or I was too, like, I'm not sure I can give you everything you want from this relationship because it seems like you just want too much. And then I was like, okay, cool.

I'll tone down my affection. I'll try to be less needy and all this stuff. And then we broke up for like reasons that had nothing to do with me too much man one-on-one yeah well yeah but like also that's all my chub rock listeners they've all been there chub rocks yeah yeah you don't need to hug me all the time yeah oh well uh sorry i guess why you that's what you do when you get one but then i went into then you get one and then you touch it then you time. Then you hug them all the time, right? You hug them all the time.

Yeah, we're not Tamagotchis. Now I know. She sent me that line and then I went into my next relationship and the person was mad at me for being distant because I tried to fix this problem that wasn't really a problem. When my brain started recognizing the notion of like uh like hey you seem really distant and then like my brain was like you're doing it you're right on track keep being distant you're doing everything you can when in reality i was trying to appease this

fucked up excuse that someone gave me just because they didn't like me that much and so just tell somebody you don't like them it's almost like you have to go into every woman like she's her own person. I'm not willing to do that. I am not willing to do that. These are two different issues. This was someone trying. No, I swear to God, because this was someone trying to give me a reason that wouldn't hurt my feelings.

Like a generalized reason. A general reason. A general reason. Something that would like, like somebody would throw me off and not telling me what was actually wrong. And then that like fucks you up because it makes you address this issue. I recognize that people are like individuals and everything. But like just be honest with someone. It turns out this woman just didn't want to date me that much.

Yeah. Sometimes you can't point to the thing. And I think it's one of the earliest best lessons I learned from my friend Anna who's's like very direct, was just to be like, it's just not a good fit. Yeah. Because then people don't get all fucked up in their head like, oh, I'm not good enough. It's like, we're just not the fit. We're just not the fit. And that's very common.

My last girlfriend, before the person I'm dating now, that's what, like when we broke up, she was just like, you know, it's just not a fit. It's just I didn't like it. And I was like, oh, I was sad. But I was like, all right. So you get over it. And it's also nice. You don't have to ever wonder. Right, exactly.

It's so nice. Well, what actually was it? It's like, oh, we weren't a good fit. Great. We just weren't a fit. Great. That's how you feel? I have to deal with that?

Good. Because you felt that same way about someone. You're like, oh, that I can understand, right? Yeah, or people seem great on paper. Yeah. You like hanging out. You're attracted to them or whatever. And then it's just like something's off.

Yeah. I'm like, all right, I can respect that. Yeah. Yeah. I like the first date thing, too. I mean, I think we're similar that it's very interesting. I like the human side of it. Yes.

The problem for us is that sometimes I've gone in like, I'm going to just learn about this person because people are interesting. Yeah. And they mistook that as I'm very interested. I want to fuck. Yeah. But really, I just was asking questions because people are interested. Because we're here

and I might as well talk to another person. Men don't. And then they lean in. And I'm like, oh. My students don't like to ask me questions. I'll try to ask dudes questions to be like, let me know about you. Yeah.

And then they'll just keep talking about working at Red Robin, and I'm like, this is not interesting. That is not interesting. All right, Nicole, that's a bad example, because I have a lot of questions about Red Robin, but I understand generally what you're talking about. What do you do with a four-top?

I mean, they're just awful at asking questions all around. Most of us are. We talked about this at our friend's wedding. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ian found out something We talked about this at our friend's wedding. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ian found out something about, I think where I went to college. Yes.

And you were like, I never know that. I probably don't ask you questions. And I was like, no. Yeah. We've, yeah, like. Shut up. For some reason, our friendship, and like on dates, I ask tons of questions.

But I just like picked up our friendship like we've been friends for three years. Yeah. Right when we started being friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't do that a lot. I didn't know any of your backstory. But to me, that's true with a lot of people.

I didn't know where David was from until we started doing this podcast. Who knows where I'm from now? I can't call it. I know. I can't call it. Yeah, International Waters. Wait, but aren't you from Africa? Streets of Colorado.

No, I was born in Africa. He's from a lot of places. Your mom was born in Africa. Where were you born? I was born in Idaho, but I never lived there. Ew. I lived in Tacoma, Washington. So you were born in Idaho amongst a bunch of potatoes, and then your mom just stole you away and didn't let you get

raised with the potatoes? No, we never lived there. She was just visiting this lady. It's a very complicated thing. There's a lot. I grew up in Tacoma and then Colorado. Kind of. The Bay. I was bouncing around. We moved around a lot too. What did she do? My mom was a social worker

for a long time. For like elderly people. Ah shit. And they keep dying. They stay dying. She's always failing. She's always gotta keep moving. People keep dying. Yeah she's gotta keep it moving. It's a whole long story. Okay. First dates. She's a diamond thief. She's always got to keep moving. People keep dying. Yeah, she's got to keep moving. And it's a whole long story. Okay.

First dates. There's also a great Blink-182 song about it. What song? It's called First Date. How's it go? In the car, I just can't wait to pick you up on our very first date. Is that the chorus? Is it cool if I hold your hand?

Is it lame? Or is it something if I think it's? Is it lame? Or is it something if I think it's lame to dance? It's like, let's go. Don't wait. This night's almost over. Honest.

Let's make this night last forever and ever. That one? And ever. I'm into it. I went through a Blink-182 day the other week. Just a day?

I just got listening to some Blink-182. I've had about 8,000 of those in a row. I just had a hankering for enema of the stage. A hundred percent. I get it. A hundred percent. They're real romantics, too.

They are, yeah. They love a first date. Mm-hmm. Me and Blink-182. She left me roses by the stairs. Surprise us, let me know she cares. Oh, Blink-182. I love them.

God, they were funny. They're so fun. So great. Now one of them super believes in aliens. Oh, really? All right, we have to get to my next pick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to be here for so long.

This is, but it's great. It is great. I'm having such a fun time. Okay, so the first date date I think I've explained why I like it you get to it's even if you never

even if there's a never never a second date just whatever it is about my attitude I go in and have a great time yeah you're an improviser I'm an improviser

I like to learn about people I like to go to a fun restaurant uh second pick is uh is Sunday mornings I love Sunday mornings

in a relationship oh with the ladies with the ladies because like on a Saturday maybe you go out you have a date on a Saturday night you know

you have a few drinks you get a little tipsy and then on a Sunday morning you wake up like maybe at like nine o'clock because the alcohol wakes you up earlier

than you would have anyway and then you like lay in bed together. Maybe you have sex again. Maybe you don't have sex again. You're just laying there. Yeah, you're a little still drunk. You're still a little drunk. You're snuggling in bed. You get that good snuggle. That good sun creeping in through the blind

snuggle. I love that. That's some good eating out moments. That is a good eating out moment. Yeah, because you don't have to brush your teeth yet. Just get on down there. No, no, no, no, no. You just start that before you even kiss them because you don't have to brush your teeth yet. Right. Just get on down there. No, no, no, no, no, no. You just start that before you even kiss them, because you can't kiss them on a Sunday morning. No.

Because your breath is stank as fuck. You can. I was drinking Fireball all night. Fireball. And then I feel like I taste peanut sauce. Did we eat leftover Thai food when I was blackout? Yeah. And then you're so hungry.

Yes. And then you go get food. Yeah, that's nice. It is a nice feeling. I like it when you can walk somewhere. Because like in San Francisco, you just wake up and you're like, ah. And then you're like, oh, my friends work at the Presidio and will give us food for free. Yeah.

Let's go up there. I'll walk you out. I'll take here in LA like just a quick drive over to York Street. And there's like a good coffee shop. There's a good bagel place. Maybe you get an acai bowl, you just walk around, you do a little window shopping. That's nice.

One o'clock you part ways, and then you have the rest of your Sunday, but you had a beautiful little Sunday morning. And then you can go smoke weed with your friends and watch basketball, but you had that base coat on the morning. You got that base coat. And you still have pussy on your face. Yeah, because you don't wash your face. If you're you.

Oh, okay. So you'll go smoke weed with friends and pussy face. Is that what this is about again? Getting pussy juice on the bong? I didn't, it's just not all the time. I'm not like a maniac. Gotta wash your face. I do wash my face.

Next time y'all are watching basketball on a Sunday. You do have good skin. I have good skin. So maybe it's because you have pussy juice on your face all the time. That might be it. It locks in the moisture. That beard is shiny.

Stem cells. Stem cells. It's hard to get it out of the beard. I didn't have one time where that had happened, though, and then it was the morning. Yeah. It was the morning one. But then it was Thanksgiving, and I had to go to my friend Andrew's house. So it was the morning, and they picked me up from this lady's house.

And then I got in the car, and they were like they knew you smell like pussy yeah bad and i was like i don't know what to do and he's like we're going to my fucking mom's house stinky did you get a shower first no it was just a lot dang dude okay she just wiped it down all over you i was up in there he was putting in work he was running the cap on oh yeah it was i was checking my pulse in it yeah absolutely you gotta get a fifth bit on your fifth bit broke make sure i got my steps my laps in yeah come on just trapped down there all right i'm keeping it moving sunday mornings i love them i like to maybe if there's a fucking farmer's market i can finagle my way into it oh that's nice there's a good one in atwater you know they just let you go you don't have can finagle my way into? I'm gonna. Oh, that's nice. There's a good one in Atwater. You know they just let you go.

You don't have to finagle into it. I know, but you gotta finagle. Sometimes you gotta figure out how to get in. You gotta get on the list. Am I on the list? You sneaking through the back? Right. I know a farmer. It's gotta be close enough. It's gotta be a good one. It's gotta be the right time. You know, there's situations.

One with a lot of samples. Yeah, you gotta have a sample one. here's the key at a farmer's market if you really want to get samples buy one or two really cheap things and then you look like you're not a window shopper and then everybody will give you samples and you're getting like the they're like where they're like hey actually want you to try this cheese and they go to the cooler it's not even out you want that cooler cheese yeah you want that cooler cheese they're like this is like i'm not even i'm not even allowed to sell this cold cheese and they go to the cooler, it's not even out. You want that cooler cheese. Yeah, you want that cooler cheese. They're like, this is like, I'm not even allowed to sell this shit. I don't like cold cheese. Yeah. You do like? I don't. You don't like cold cheese? Well, it doesn't have to be,

it can be like the cooler honey stick, or whatever they got. Oh, okay, I'll do a honey stick. Okay, like a honey stick. I celebrate cheese at every temperature. I understand. Yeah. No soup, no cold cheese. No soup, no cold cheese. We're learning things. Two rules. Picking a list for dating Nicole. Yes, yes, yes. No soup, no cold cheese. We're learning things. Two rules. Picking a list for dating Nicole. Yes, yes, yes.

No soup, no cold cheese. I'll pay for everything. There it is. Send me some vodka. We have the big four. We should just draft secrets to dating Nicole. Amy, it's time for your second pick. Okay. I'm going to go with pretending to be outdoorsy to impress someone and then feeling the actual

benefits of doing outdoorsy stuff. It's a two-step process. Very specific. It's something we can all relate to. You just pretend like you want to go on a paddle boat or whatever for a hike. And then you legit feel so good after. Because you exercised in the sun. Yeah, you were outdoors.

You're like, why am I appropriately tired at 9 p.m.? Oh, I had a day. Yeah, I did something. It does bug me out. I enjoy hiking, but the people who enjoy hiking before a hike are crazy to me. I like hiking after a hike. Yeah. Or maybe even during.

Last quarter. But people who are like, Sean Jordan loves the idea of hiking. Yes. No. And I'm like, how? Everyone here loves hiking. Everyone here. Or at least say they do.

I don't know how you like walking up a hill before you get to said hill. Yeah, right? Yeah. It's not for me. Doesn't make they do. I don't know how you like walking up a hill before you get to said hill. Yeah, right? It's not for me. I don't hike. And I've never told anyone I'm outdoorsy. I say I'm an indoor girl. Yeah. So like anything inside, I'll get down.

You won't lay on a blanket. Yeah, I'm not trying to get taken to a mountain and sit on a blanket and fucking eat cheese. You don't like a picnic? That's nothing I want. The cheese won't be cold though, probably. I don't want a picnic. I eat inside. I don't even eat on sidewalks. It's gross I want. The cheese won't be cold, though, probably. I don't want a picnic. I eat inside. I don't even eat on sidewalks.

It's gross to me. You eat on the alfresco, like the tables on the sidewalk? You don't eat on the streets at all? No. Why would I want to eat in the street and have a car go crazy, jump the curb, and kill me while I'm eating some food? No. I have mixed opinions about that.

It depends on the proximity of the road. It depends on how busy the road is. But those are my only two qualifiers. Or if you're on a roof, that's nice. Roof is nice. No cars driving by. No, I'm not trying to eat outside. Have nature in my food. Buggies land there. I don't like the whole picnic.

I want to eat a sandwich in the park for sure. Yeah. I want to eat a sandwich in the park. I don't want to pack and then we got the basket. You're not packing it. She probably is. Yeah, she's definitely packing it. I'm packing it. And then we got a, now we're beholden to the, I just want to be able to dump and run.

Actually, the last time I ate outside in a park was fun. It was in Portland. Hell yeah. I was very hungover. Yep. We had gone to Pine State. Check, check, check. Got all our shit to go.

Yeah. Sat in a park and gobbled it down and then sat and stared at each other for a little bit. I'm into that. That's fun. It was fun. But I was so hungover. Yeah. That's why it was fun though, right? Yeah.

And then the sun makes you so sleepy so you can take a nap. And the pine state makes you so sleepy. Yeah. Yeah, and then I had to get on a plane immediately after and I passed out. Yeah. The flight attendant was like, you're a good little sleeper, aren't you? I was like, mm-hmm. Thank you.

Thanks. Slanky. I'm talking about like hike or some sort of, yeah, take a boat out kind of shit. Yeah. It's a good look early on. Yeah. It's not dating, but Sashir, Zemena, and I spend a lot of time together. And she's constantly making me do outdoor stuff.

But it does feel good in the summer. It does. We would go to the beach. Even as little as, we went to the beach a bunch this summer. And before, at 10 a.m. when it's time to let go, I'm just like, oh, I don't want to. All the way to the beach always sucks. I don't want to. And then you get there, and you're just like, why don't we do this every day?

You just have to move your body to lie down in another place. Yes. It's that little of a thing, but I still hated the idea of it. And then I would get there and I'm like, this is my whole life now. I'm a beach guy. I live at the beach now. I'm a beach guy. Oh, I become a beach guy as soon as I get there.

Oh, immediately. I'm just going to rent a place up over there. Yeah. I'll skateboard around. I'll learn. Start selling coconuts. I know. I know.

But whatever. I have a go bag for the beach now. That's how into it I got. Yeah. I got. There's towels in there. I saw. Yeah.

There's weed in it. One time you went to the beach and I was like on the road somewhere crappy. Yeah. And I saw your whole like Instagram story of your beach day. Yeah. And I was so pissed. Do it. It was like you guys like went to the beach, throw in the football.

Yeah. Came home. where'd they get rollerblades? Yeah, we had a good day. And then like, went out that night, and I was just like, I was in like Boise or something like, fuck this. Rollerblades are at the crib, by the way, if you just ever want to throw on some blades.

Can you roller skate or only roller blade? I can only roller blade. I grew up roller blading. I'm taking roller skating lessons. Really? And the guy was like, don't put roller put roller blades on because you'll never learn how to roll it's two different yeah blades are easy i skate i think there's a little more nuance to it it's hard yeah more of a surface though on the full skate yeah more of a surface i need that i will say also that like uh being in the sun all day when you're first dating especially, like it's like sexy. Like when you're like you've had a couple day drinks and you're all like sun hungover too.

That's like some of the best banging. The best banging. Before an afternoon nap. A hundred percent. The vitamin D. It's just like. Before the vitamin D. Yeah, exactly.

D and then some D. It makes you so horny. It does. Those day drinks, oh my God. Two to three. And just an hour of sun also makes you feel like I'm not only a beach guy, but I'm like, I'm pretty sure I have the hottest body out here. Yeah, I have a hot body.

You just feel sexy. I have a fat body, but a tan fat body. Yeah. You just feel hot. Yeah. I love it. You really do. It makes you feel, it reminds you that you are a creature. Yeah. You just feel hot. Yeah. I love it. You really do. It makes you feel...

It reminds you that you are a creature. Yeah. Yeah, you're like an animal. Yeah. I like feeling like an animal for sure. And you just bang and then take a shower and go to sleep. I love that. And you wake up, you put on white linen. Yes. And you go back to the beach and just

walk. We should all get a place. We should all get a place. We should all get a place in Cabo. I want to get a beach house somewhere. Yeah. I don't know where. The next place I buy a house I think is going to be on the beach. Maybe Malibu.

But then it's like too close. And it's $28 million. Oh, yeah. The house I want in Malibu is $32 million. Oh, my. Malibu is crazy. And it's only28 million. Oh, yeah. The house I want in Malibu is $32 million. Oh, my. Malibu is crazy. And it's only a three bedroom. You'll get it.

But it comes with a staff. I can't remember whose house it was. It's some dead old guy. Put it on the vision board. A great house. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So pretend to be outdoorsy to impress someone.

I feel like we could talk about it forever. And then feeling the actual benefits of being outdoors. And then actually fooling yourself into liking it. Yes. David Boyd, time for your second pick. This is a weird second pick because it doesn't have to do with the person I'm dating. But after you've been dating for some while, you just tap into this thing, and you guys can't relate.

Or maybe if Ian maybe can't, it's like what I like to call the fraternal order of boyfriends. What? Where you just are like talking to a dude and that dude has a girlfriend and then you guys are just like bonded because of that. You know what I mean? But when you're single, you're like not on that track. Because the girls are friends? Just because of whatever. Because you were both at Walmart.

It doesn't matter. Just like anywhere. You could be in line at the deli and then like, yeah, my girlfriend always gets those. Mine fucking too, man. I know exactly what you're saying. Or sit on that little bench outside the dressing room. Yeah. Just anywhere.

Or like in the bench in the mall, like in the middle part where you didn't even go to the store because it's Victoria's Secret. Yeah, like I'll stay out here. Yeah, I'm just going to sit here. My presence will cause a discomfort for everyone in there. Nobody wants me in here. I'm not boyfriend in Victoria's Secret body. No. I can't.

No. No. They'll be fine with you in here. One of these is as padded. I like some of this. I got orange Julius on my shirt. Like, you don't need me in there. Yeah.

And then you sit down next to some old dude and he just. And it's just like you guys bond over that. And it just happens in public sometimes. Yeah. And it's like a nice feeling. The fraternal order of the happens in public sometimes. Yeah. And it's like a nice feeling. The fraternal order of the boyfriends is a nice feeling. You just run into someone. That's adorable.

I don't think that happens for women. Does it not? I mean, in the way that, you know, maybe it's more complaining based. Yeah. But I feel like women. Well, it is kind of complaining based, though. It is usually something where you're just like. It's just like this feeling of like, or like when you're out.

It's just like. And you can get it with other shit with dudes too. There's like a few types of ways that you can be on an inside track with dudes, but that is definitely one. Or like, or like you're out somewhere with women and like you're watching the game and then like another dude's watching the game and you're like, that's one of them. Oh, and you slowly migrate to like the same corner corner of the bar because we're talking about something else. But it's like it can happen all the time.

It's just like this weird thing of like, because it's like when you're a dude with a girlfriend, you're like, we're kind of doing what we're supposed to. Yeah. We're not out here with the rest of these savages. We're not wiling. We're straight out. Me and you, we're in here, right? We did right by a Saturday afternoon. I feel like there's always a pack of those dudes like at a wedding.

Yeah. At one table, just like not getting row wedding. Yeah. At one table, just not getting rowdy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not getting rowdy. Having three drinks. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and just all their girlfriends are getting drunk because they've all known each other. Yeah, and you guys are driving home. Yeah, and you're just like, I'm here because I'm a good dude too.

Yeah. That's cute. I feel like with a lot of women, it's just like, my boyfriend? And it's very annoying, and you're like, oh, don't talk to me about your boyfriend. I don't care. But what if you both have boyfriends? But usually, I'm usually single. Yeah, me too.

So usually, you're taking something inside of me. And it's really my problem. I'm usually the one who's like, OK, yeah. So she wants to come to the game too? Cool, man. No, it'll be great. It'll be cool. No, yeah, it has to be with another girl who's also in a relationship.

And then some of it's complaining based, but there is also, I mean, I like when girlfriends have boyfriends that also get along with my boyfriend. Right. And I'm like, they should know each other. They're both cute. And then you end up doing it. You're like setting up grown men to be friends. You do that a lot.

I know. You've done that to me multiple times. It's very cute, though. And it's always worked out well. That's true. Who have you set David up with for a while? I set him up with Sean. Sean Jordan?

Oh, shit. That's right. Amy was a huge Sean Jordan fan. That's right. And then it worked out. You guys would love each other. Yeah. And Dan Soder.

And Dan Soder. Both wonderful dudes. That's nice. I guess Adam, technically. Adam. I love Adam. Adam's great. Yeah.

How long have you guys been dating? Three years. That's a long time. I know. Especially Adam. Adam's great. Yeah. How long have you guys been dating? Three years. That's a long time. I know. Especially in any year. Tell me about it. And we live together, so it's a whole thing. You live together?

Yeah, it's crazy. Dang. How many bedrooms? One. Dang. I know. They got a cool apartment. It's like a cool people's apartment.

A cool people's apartment? Why is it so cool? And they got guitars and concerts they've been to. And then a pool. A lot of shared things on the fridge. You guys got like cool people books though too. Thank you, David. I can see that. It's like the history of CBGB. Yeah.

Have you met him in person? No. Oh, okay. Not once. Not ever. He's adorable. And I don't even know what he looks like. I asked Avi and he was just like, I don't know. He like kind of half described him. I was like, you're just describing a white person. And I don't even know what he looks like. I asked Avi, and he was just like, I don't know. He kind of half described him. I was like, you're just describing a white person. But he's got one of those haircuts where you go like. Yeah, he's got a cool haircut.

You guys can't see it, but he's got like a shake it to the side. It moves with the head. So it's long? Yeah, like white guys got that hair that moves, and they kind of like. Like Justin Bieber? The head stops moving, the hair keeps moving. Yeah. He's got a beard and glasses.

He looks like a young Greg Proops. Greg, it went moving. Yeah. He's got a beard and glasses. He looks like a young Greg Proops. Greg, it went black. Oh. Give me a picture of just him. Okay. Okay, anyways. He's gonna hate this. But my pick, my pick is tapping it, my second round pick, tapping into the fraternal order

of boyfriends. I'm into that. I love it. It's so cute. Nicole, it is time for your second pick. I could say blowjobs because that's on my list, but I'm going to say the butterflies that you get when you're waiting for him to text you or call you. That is great.

Or the butterflies when you're like, I get to see him again. I can't wait. That's nice. Oh, the texting waiting is so exciting. Yes, because you're like, what's he going to say? I know he's going to respond. He's been responding, and now it's been an hour. What's happening? I don't know. Oh, there texting waiting is so exciting. Yes, because you're like, what's he going to say? I know he's going to respond. He's been responding, and now it's been an hour. What's happening?

I don't know. Oh, there it is. You're not paying attention to your phone, but then you are. Then you plan activities where you're like, this is a solid two hours where I won't be thinking about my phone. You go to a movie or something, then you get out, and you're like, yes! I love that. I think it's, I don't know, it makes me feel alive.

Yes. And hopeful. This is the butterflies right before you see them. Yes. Like, right before. Oh, yeah. Like, you're just in your crib, like, trying to pretend like you're chilling. Yes.

Just, like, putting your leg up on stuff. Are you, like, moving and you're, like. No, when they're coming over. Because what if they see me through the blinds? I've got to be doing something cool. Yeah, you've got to be real cool. Maybe I'll read Vanity Fair. Yeah, should I start, like.

Yeah, read a book so he knows I'm educated. Should I just use these, like, hand grip tester things? Just, like, so my, so he knows I'm educated. Should I just use these like hand grip tester things? Just like so my... But she knows I care about my forearms. Yeah. Yeah, those butterflies are great. Those butterflies can turn poisonous though. Sometimes like...

And they turn into anxiety butterflies, you know? Oh, yes. When the like two hours have gone by and you're like, why are they texting? Why is he texting? What is going on? Am I bad? Yeah, or you read way too... Like they're just busy. So it's like Kurt and you're like, oh, they texted? Why have they texted? What is going on? Am I bad? Yeah. Or you read way too, like they're just busy. So it's like Kurt and you're like, oh, he fucking hates me.

Yeah, it's over. It's already over. But it's just like he was at work. I'll do that thing. Texting is so bad. I feel like texting. Texting is bad. Texting creates false intimacy and you can't read the tone of what someone is saying.

I think it fucked up our butterfly levels as a people. As a people. Because before texting, you would just have the butterfly that whole day. Yeah. Yeah, because you're like, when's he going to call me? Yeah, it wasn't like this feed me, feed me, feed me, feed me. It was like, you got off work,

got home, and then she's like, oh, she knows I'm off at six. So maybe, you know. You jump on like AIM. Like instant messaging. You're like, is he going to be there? Is he going to talk to me? Yeah. But then you don't want to be on too long because then he's going to know that you were

just sitting at home waiting. Then you like log off and then log back on and go like, oh, what good timing. Yeah. That's weird you're on right now too. Oh, God. You're having an away message up, but you're looking at it? Yeah. Yeah.

But then on aim, if you just like moved the mouse at all then you would be active again so you had to like yeah not do anything like look at it but not touch it it's true it is like a little morsel of something that's not the full it's like chewing gum when you're hungry or something yeah it's like the worst i feel like people used to have it so much better those butterflies are amazing but that's like that chemical it's like the worst. I feel like people used to have it so much better. Those butterflies are amazing. That's like that chemical. It's just like. When you're excited about someone, it feels good.

It's become a legit new skill, though, that now some dudes are just better at flirt texting. Oh, yeah. I don't like that at all, man. Well, you got to be good at it. I'm not. I'm pretty bad. My texts in general are very curt. Yeah. You're funny over text, though.

That's because I'm hilarious, period. Yes. I like a dude that can text exactly how he talks, so I don't have to think too much about what he's saying. I'm like, okay, I know the way you speak. This isn't curt. You're just giving me information. Eventually, we're in a weird

period, because eventually it'll get to that again, where it'll just be like, you'll just talk. You'll say your message, right? Instead of typing in, I wonder. Because typing, I'm so bad at typing is my problem. Wait, what do you mean? You think we'll say it into the phone, and then it'll be voice messaging? And then it'll get turned into a text message and sent, I feel like.

Oh. Well, you can do that now. Maybe I'm wrong about that. You can do that, but it always, it seems like fraught with errors every time I do it. Oh, it's always fucked up. You just go in and fix it. Right, and you're like, I didn't say fucking tuna. You use it a lot, because I'm always driving.

I didn't say fucking tuna. I'm never saying tuna. I'm never saying tuna. I'm never saying tuna. It is unfortunate, though, that I know for sure I will judge someone if they're just bad at typing or writing. But it's not going to work out for us long term if you can't spell. Am I supposed to say T-H-O-U-G-H wants to prove it and then can I go back to T-H-O?

Oh, that's fine. Shortening stuff is fine. It's so stressful. I don't like texting. I like texting my friends because there's no weight to it. But I don't like texting women. So how do you communicate with them? You call them like a fucking monster?

No, because I'm not a monster. Like a fucking serial killer? Because sometimes, too, it's like, hey, we're in the room together. I'll pull it out of here. Hey, what's up? Look at that. Waka waka. On the phone, sometimes I just run out of juice, man.

Yeah. Fair. Because I'm just in my room, and I'm watching fucking Power, and I don't care. I don't care because I'm watching Power right now and 50 Cent's pretty good on that show. You gotta turn off Power and get a cool lamp and just lay on your bed man. And do what?

I just do it. Talk on the phone and that's the whole activity. Oh I can talk on the phone. I can still talk on the phone. Yeah. I'm still good at it. It's not weird for me or anything. Just got that cool. Yeah. Turn off the TV. Cool lamp. Lay on your bed. Maybe a little breeze from a fan. You can go four hours.

I was a marathoner back when I was a kid. Me too. Like back when you first started talking to girls on the phone. Oh yeah. I was like. I was on it. On it. On it.

Tie up that line. Oh yeah. Tie up that line. I could handle the three way. Like I was like. I was good. I was good talking on the phone. Butterflies. Excellent pick. We'll be back with more picks after this short word from another one of can handle the three-way like i was like i was good i was good talking on the phone uh butterflies

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third pick okay oh boy okay I'm gonna say the first kiss. Oh, yeah. God damn it. I'm singable. I love that one. It's so nice. No, that song's not about first kiss. What? What song?

I was thinking about that song. I thought she was saying first kiss, first kiss, but she's saying this kiss, this kiss. Oh. This kiss, this kiss. Subliminal.

Or whatever. Yeah. Subliminal. First kisses are so fun. They're the best. They're institutional. Especially when it happens and you're like, oh, I want to kiss this person again. Yeah.

And you're like, can I tell them? What do I do? Can we just kiss again? It's the best. Contact is so exciting. You're just like leaning into each other and having a couple drinks. It's dark. And then you finally just like break it.

Break that tension. It's like the first pee when you're getting all drunk. Yeah. Yes, you break the seal. And even if it's bad, which many of them are, it's still interesting. Are they that bad? It's always fun because it's new, right?

I've had some bad first kisses even in relationships. They're all bad sometimes. But then it's bad because it's always bad. Like I've been with girls who just, I never really enjoyed kissing. Yeah, because you don't have chemistry. Or they's just always, it's bad because it's always bad. Like, I've been with girls who just I never really enjoy kissing. Yeah, because you don't have chemistry. Or they're just weird at it. Weird at it. Some girls kiss weird.

I kissed, there was a girl, I don't even remember which girl exactly, but we kissed on more than one occasion and she had a very, like, a horse eating an apple style of, like, kissing and it was, I was like, I could never enjoy the kissing because I'm just, the whole time I'm thinking like,

is this forever? Like, are we like, is she never going to tone it down? Because like you can note doing other things, but kissing, you can't be like, okay, stop eating my face. Yeah, right. You can, but it's so intimate. That would be so mean, I feel like. But also, yeah, it's just a chemistry thing a lot of the time

where even if they changed up their technique, it would still be bad. Yeah. I once kissed a boy whose lips were cold. Whoa. And I was like, you taste like a lizard. Like this is what I imagined kissing a lizard would be like.

Man, was he from beyond? He might have, okay, I was in a morgue. Oh, yeah. I pulled out a drawer I started kissing oh no not dead I meant like

I meant like otherworldly beyond the grave I didn't mean was it a dead dude I meant like maybe it was a vampire well I guess I revealed

something he means undead the tag on his coat said he was from here no he was just like a normal comedy dude whose lips were so cold. That's crazy.

How are you going to have cold lips? No, he also licked his lips beforehand, so it was like wet coldness. Oh, no. It was one of the worst first kisses I've ever had. A kiss of a seal. It is so exciting for how gross of a tradition it is. Yeah, kissing is nasty. This warm, wet hole in my head where there's bones in it that crunch up food all day

and then I'm just gonna press it to your hole and we're gonna move some wet shit around. Wait. Yeah. Teeth or bones? Teeth or bones.

Teeth or bones? Yeah. My mind is blown. Call me young boneless then because I'm missing one. Are you missing one? Young boneless. I'm missing one too.

We gotta put something in those holes. I have all my teeth. Yeah, me too. Good for you. I don't know what in those holes. I have all my teeth. Yeah, me too. Good for you. I don't know what to tell you. I got all my teeth. Nobody took my teeth.

Do you have your wisdom teeth? Yeah. Oh, I don't have my wisdom. I don't have my wisdom. I have all of my teeth that I came with. Whoa, you got to get them shits pulled out. I'm not an old star. Because won't they grow in all weird and then you got to-

Some people have room for everybody. Some people have room for them. No, they don't hurt. Oh, good. That's a lucky thing. Some people got room for the wisdom teeth. Yeah, the first kiss is a magical, magical experience sometimes. It's fun.

Yeah. I've gotten- In my early days, I would overthink it so much to the point where now i'm almost like too good at it right no that's better it's not the right one where i'll like it like because i used to think so and like get in my head where like people who obviously wanted me to kiss them i'd still be like they don't want that's not you know i would be in my head like yeah fucking panicking yeah just like red lights like yes like and then you're just like, I gotta do it. I gotta do it. I gotta do it. And then you just go not at a good point.

And you're bad. Yeah. But now I'm like you just gotta go for it. And if she doesn't want it she'll go no. Hopefully. And then your heart goes inside of your shoes. Yeah. You melt into the floor never to be resurrected again. These are the stakes that we're playing with. This wasn't a dating thing so much

but like a drunk night out with a girl kind of thing. And one like in the back of an Uber together. And one in my hotel room, like I tried to lean in and kiss them. And like one of them just full blown pie faced me. And she was like, no, it's not. And you just took out your dick and started jerking off. Right, exactly. I am a stand up comedian.

That's what you do if you do come and you take out your dick when no one has asked for it you get to do it once you've made 500 people laugh then you're allowed to blow your dick no she pie faced me and was like

it's not gonna be like that and I was like oh okay cool yeah that's fine it's not gonna be like that it didn't even hurt I almost admired her the way

I mean going back to what I was talking about earlier how direct she was I was like fuck yeah alright great then I'll put on another record. We can open this wine and just chill as friends. Also, she's cool about it that it's so much easier for you to be like, let's keep making

out. She's still one of my dear, dear friends. And I was like, still watch Demolition Man. Thank you for shutting that down. Now I'm not pining for you or anything like that. The feeling, though, if you have all those doubts and you're like sweating and then it works. Yeah. It's the best. The relief. It's like literally the only thing I miss.

I'm very sexually aggressive. I don't know if you could tell. But I like when I take a back seat and let a man lean in and kiss. Like I let him do it and that feels great. I'm like he wanted it and I didn't have to beg for it. That's the best. That is a good feeling.

I just, I love kisses. Me too. And they take on a different level of excitement when there's intimacy and you've been with someone for a long time, and it's still great, but it's just like that first spark. Man. The chemistry. The thing I don't like is that second kiss when you're like, when does it happen? In the beginning of the date? At the end of the date?

When do I get to kiss? Oh, that is a weird thing to figure out. I can't run. I just want more kisses. Kisses for Nicole. Vodka and kisses. Well, if you get that vodka first, that's kisses coming a lot earlier on the date than they used to.

Does anyone else do this but like I went on some dates this summer and I would just like have a couple drinks beforehand oh yeah

it's a dangerous game it can be a dangerous game one too many and then you're out there but I weigh like 320 pounds so if I'm going in there like we're both having

a glass of wine you know if I'm going in dry then like we're both having a glass of wine. If I'm going in dry, then I'm just like, I feel exactly the same. And she's getting all giggly. And I don't want her to see how much it takes me to catch up. 100%. That has to happen in the dark. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't just be like, I can't be just like, hey, can you give me like two pulls out of a tequila bottle? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't do that. You want to go like, give me that double in the short glass and then you have to like you have to stone face it when you're drinking it like mostly ginger ale that one yeah you don't want her to see how much it takes you to get nice and tight yeah yeah i got wasted before a first date. Really? How did that go? It went okay.

We were both drugged. We both showed up wasted to see The Color Purple. On Broadway? On Broadway. And I, in my brain, I asked him to The Color Purple. I was like, well, if you want to go out with a black person, you must love black people. I was 18. It didn't make any sense.

Had you seen The Color Purple? No, and I didn't realize that there were so many lesbian undertones. Yeah, a lot of times. And it's not a great time, and it's very sad. Yeah. But I don't remember a lot of it because I was wasted. And then during intermission, we drank more. And then we went to a bar where we drank even more. We were just sloppy at this point.

Yeah. Then I went home with him. And then we fucked. And then I farted. Like a sheet-raising fart. In exorcism. I was like, I hope he's sleeping. And I don't think he was, and it was just a very awkward next morning.

Yeah. So I try not to get too lit before a date. I've also been that dude where she showed up wasted, and you feel like such a turd. Like, if she shows up wasted and you're not wasted, you're just like, oh, yeah, fucking drunk right now. I don't know. What am I supposed to do?

Do you get upset, or do you go, oh, man, she's a fun time? It sucks, because it's like, you also don't want to be the dude who's just like, I'm going to get drunk so that we can both be drunk so we can fool. It's just like, it kind of sucks. It's not like a good feeling. Oh, okay. Which is weird because I usually love it when people are drunk. It can go on into it.

You can also read into it if you're having a low confidence day. Like, oh, they need to be drunk to go on this date with me. Yeah, yeah. There's different ways you can look at it. It's definitely not like. Try to stay on the positive side of it, you know. They just have a problem and it has nothing to do with me. Right, exactly.

And it will ruin our relationship if there is one. That's later. Much, much, much later. David, it's time for your third pick. My third pick in this draft is, let me see, let me see. Oh, you know what I like it When you guys like When you become in sync and you like

Block for each other to leave a party Oh yeah Both want to leave the party the party's lame She's on this side of people she knows And she's like yeah David's got some Shit to do tomorrow and I'm like yeah She's all drunk I gotta get her or whatever Yeah but when you guys make It work leaving the party early got some shit to do tomorrow and I'm like, yeah, she's all drunk. I got to get her or whatever. Yeah.

But when you guys make it work leaving the party early. Oh, it's so good. Feels so good. It's good when you got like, because you got like a shorthand, like you guys can just like. Yeah. And then as soon as you get in the car or walk out or whatever, you're just like, thank God. No one's ever mad at you for leaving a party when you're in a couple. No.

It's such an easy, like, because when you're alone, people are like, what are you going to do? What are you going to go home and do? Yeah. Jerk off? couple. No. It's such an easy, like, because when you're alone, people are like, what are you going to do? What are you going to go home and do? Yeah. Jerk off? Yeah. Yes. Yes,

that's all I want to do. Are you going to do different parties that are a better party? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where it's like,

you two are leaving together because you want to go watch Boardwalk Empire and touch each other or whatever you're doing. Oh, yeah, that's the best.

I love the array of entertainment that you watch. Boardwalk Empire, Power, what's the other one you said? I don't know. It's all very specific. Yeah, I keep it.

I'm a weird guy. Marshawn Lynch's Facebook show. It's good, though. But not my Facebook show. They wanted me to be on it, and I couldn't because the schedule didn't work. Oh, that's too bad. What's his show about? He just is out there in the world being crazy. Yeah, he's not going on roller coasters and shit.

Marshawn. I love it. He's pretty. Yeah, he's so funny. He's fucking cool, too. And he's just hanging out with karate dudes and stuff. That's hilarious. Oakland guys are, that's.

He's the most, too. That culture intrigues me so much. It's a lot of swagger. It's a lot of swagger. I know a dude who grew up with him, and he told me he came home. Feel. He came home one time, and Marshawn Lynch was just sitting on his floor eating Fruity Pebbles. Waiting for his girl roommate to be done doing whatever she was doing.

That's great. I went to Marshawn's clothing store in downtown Oakland to buy some Beast Mode merchandise. Sure. And it was cash only whoa that's very funny to have a store cash on me i love it that's hilarious he's the best dude clothing stores in the hood though are always i live next to one of those stores on capital over there and it was cash only all the time also the dude huge drug dealer yeah so you could buy drugs so everything was cash only

well i don't think anybody ever actually bought clothes yeah because they'd have like those fake jordans wrapped up in cellophane oh yeah it's like a kt ingleside shirt but nobody ever bought them but you could buy weed in there but yeah leaving, leaving a party together, where you like, but when it's a group effort. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, you're like, you handle them, I'll handle them. It's eye contact.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, because there's not that, there's not that, you don't get that second wind of like, well, maybe I could hook up with somebody here. No. No, you're just like, let me go home with the person I'm going to hook up with.

Right, let's just get that over with. Oh, man. When I go out, when you go out knowing that you're going to have sex anyways, all of a sudden, somebody's just get that over with. Oh, man. When I go out, when you go out knowing that you're going to have sex anyways, all of a sudden, somebody's not such a social person. David's been in the corner all night. He doesn't give a shit.

There's like, the sex is better, too, because there's something attractive if you're with someone who's really charming that you spend enough time at the party where you're like, ooh, my man's so charming. You're very funny. Yeah, you made people laugh, and now I'm wet. Let's go home.

That happened to me at your brother's bar. I took a girl to your brother's bar one time. She fucked my brother. He was so charming that night. Jesus, no, I hope not. Maybe that is how this story is. Where's your brother's bar? He is funny.

He is pretty cool. Where's your brother's bar? In the East Bay He is pretty cool. Where's your brother's bar? Here? In the East Bay. No, no. This was when he was at Rebel. Oh, in San Francisco, yeah. And it was like 20 bucks, all you can drink.

And I went outside. Ooh, that's problematic. But I didn't have the money. So I go outside. And that motherfucker Brandon with the afro, remember Brandon Purifoy? Yeah. Buys her a $20 bracelet When I'm outside And I come in and she's like

Your friend is trying to hit on me and he bought me the bracelet And he was like, oh I didn't know that was your girl And she was like, let's just me and you get drunk And we got fucking hammered Because she got a free all you can drink bracelet That's how that bar didn't succeed The $20 all you can drink bar? Oh it was my brother's idea to do that for comedians

I thought someone was gonna die that day no that was I would have died then I would have too during the day too during the day? I accidentally smoked meth in that bar one time you smoked meth?

yeah well you gotta keep up for that 20 dollar all you can drink was it a mistake or did you know You smoked meth? Yeah. Well, you gotta keep up for that $20 you can drink. Wait, was it a mistake or did you know it was meth? 50-50.

Because I made a mistake and smoked meth. I went to the bathroom and my friend was in there and he had what I thought was a hash pen and I was like, give me that

and then as I go to hit it he's like, oh, that's different. I hooked it up to smoke speed but I was already like, that's different. Instead of going, that's different. I hooked it up to smoke speed. That's different. It's very funny. That's different.

Instead of going, that's math. Yeah. He was like, that's different. And then I was like, it was. Of course it was. I knew before you said it. I can't tell you the microphone still picked that up. Mike definitely picked it up. David put his hand over it and leaned back slightly.

Marissa, you're going to. Yeah, Marissa's editing the name out. But just for the listener, David dropped a name that he shouldn't have, but to disguise it, he put, just kind of covered his hands over the mic. I don't know what I thought was going to happen. And then said it into mine. I could have mouthed it, really. I feel like those days were a very dad move on my brother's part where he's like, if you're going to smoke meth, do it under my roof. That's really how, what would the vibe be?

So your brother knew this man was smoking meth? Oh no, I don't know. I just, he would like... It didn't seem like he wasn't smoking meth. Feed us so many drinks. Yeah, he would give us so many, like... Like, as long as I can see you. Yeah, he would name specials after us, like he was very... Aww.

That's cute. How much older is he than you? Ten years. Ten years? Perfect. Is he single? He's like Bay Area famous too. That's what I. How much older is he than you? 10 years. 10 years? Yeah. Perfect. Is he single? He's very famous, too. That's what I hear. Oh, because he would probably give me vodka.

He would definitely give you vodka. He might give you vodka anyway. Yeah, he will. My older brother's nine years older than me, and it was like, what a great age. He really did look out for me. Is he single? No, he's married with two kids. Everyone is fucking married.

My brother's 15. Yeah, but my brother's in his 40s. More potential. They're cute too. Yeah, they're real cute. But he would, yeah, he'd be like, I'll get you beer,

but bro, don't drive, just stay at home and drink it. That's the best. It's like a realistic good example. Yeah. Rather than,

not one of those don't drink ever, where you're like, well now I'm going to get hammered and fucking get a DUI. I wish somebody had taken me aside

and been like, hey, you're pretty cool. Yeah. People are going to want you to go to parties and drink booze. Here's how to handle it. Yes. That's all. I tell my brother that kind of shit all the time. I'm like, listen, man, I get it.

You're handsome. You're an athlete. You're out there taking tummy shots or whatever the kids are doing now. Have you guys ever drafted siblings? Sibling stuff? That'd be fun. Oh, that would be good. That would be good.

Yeah. Sean kind of doesn't have siblings. We'd have to do it when he's out of town. Amy, it's time for your third pick. Okay. A couple of them have been used already. But I'm going to say flipping through 10 years of their Facebook photos. Oh, you like that? Oh, you like that?

Oh, you like that? I don't like it. I feel insane when I do that. I hate it. And then you have to be careful when you talk to them so you don't reveal things. Yeah, that's what I love. Where did I learn that from? Oh, my God.

Where did I find out they used to play inline rink hockey? And just click, click, click. And just the excitement of like, oh, man, what if I accidentally clicked a like at this really old photo? I don't, you like, you like danger. Well, here's what you need to do. You need to get a dummy account. I have a second Instagram account. A burner.

That I use to. Are you sure you want to be telling this? Oh, I don't give a shit. She's not going to say the name. I'm not going to say the name of my dummy Instagram account. Oh, that's a good point. But it's just this like fake Instagram. At Nicole Cryer.

Cryer. It's Nicole underscore Cryer. And yeah, that's how i watch people's stories if i don't want uh my name to appear is to have watched their stories can it can it say it's even if you click forward does it say that you what if okay so i've been having this there's a few instagram stories i need to avoid sure because you don't want it to it just you can also block instagram stories but i mean i mean if i'm looking through the instagram story and that one comes up void because you don't want it to, it just, you can also block Instagram stories. But I mean, I mean, if I'm looking through the Instagram story and that one comes up,

if I just switch over it fast, it doesn't say that I watched it, right? Probably does say that you watched the first one. Oh, you're out there. You gotta get a dummy Instagram account. I feel like I've probably misread some situations as well. Thanks, Instagram. I almost lost my mind because my current boyfriend doesn't really have social media. So it was like I had to ask him questions to get his information for the first few months, which is horrific.

I like a lot to be out there. I like to see who your friends are. Like, who are your ex-girlfriends maybe? That's my favorite thing. And then I who are your ex-girlfriends maybe? That's my favorite thing. Do you only know white people? And then I get obsessed with ex-girlfriends. Yeah, but you can swab the deck on that. You just go in and wipe that shit clean.

Or then you obsess over someone. I leave it all up. No, it's very easy to figure out. I don't manicure my social media. It's very easy to figure out an ex-girlfriend. I leave everything up because I'll tell you. But I like when you obsess over someone and then later you start dating and then they're like, here's my cousin, Maureen. And you're like, oh.

Oh, Maureen. In my head, you're an ex-girlfriend. And then you can like her. I don't like that at all. I hate that. I love it, dude. I hate it when it crosses over and you're like, yeah, I know. I don't like feeling like that.

I like to see embarrassing old haircuts, fucking old jobs. Oh, yeah. You're kind of talking me into it now. It's fun. But I just, I get too crazy. And then I hate it when a dude doesn't have a big social media presence, and I'm like, I can't find out more. I really almost lost my mind.

I turn into a little detective where I ask other people things about them and figure it out anyway. And it's like, if I applied half of this to anything, I would be very successful. I'm a researcher. Yeah, I could do something. I could cure fucking cancer. I'm just figuring out where he lived 10 years. It's insane. Oh, yeah.

The levels of detective work are crazy. Oh, God. When I'm first starting out, yeah. Like the length you'll go to determine, oh, that's just like some gay dude she works with in that picture. I hate that feeling. Or just be like, oh, so she dated a guy who wears vests. I like to figure out if dudes I'm dating have dated another fat black. And if it's like.

That's true. You've got to find if they've dated another fat black. Oh, is it a fetish? Yeah. Yes. Or if I'm the first fat black and then I'm like that's true you gotta find if they dated another fat dude oh is this a fetish yeah or if I'm the first fat black and then I'm like why

why did they make the switch cause you got the juice I hate it when you find out that there was like one other fat dude

and you're like get the fuck out of here yeah that guy old fucking cargo shorts mcbucket hat oh no now I feel personally attacked I'm sorry come on those were just the fuck out of here. Yeah, that guy. Old fucking cargo shorts, McBucket hat.

Oh, no. Now I feel personally attached. I'm sorry. Come on. Those were just funny words together. Those were just funny words together.

All right, all right. I trust you. Do you wear a lot of bucket hats? No, just in the summer. A lot of cargo shorts. We just, well, no, cargo shorts,

I mean, that's far in my rear view mirror. In the past. But they are coming, maybe coming back up. They're always maybe coming back up but uh they're always maybe coming i just got a bucket hat summer i wore bucket hats every now and then but i'm talking about like dude who does it in the winter i feel like i just mean like cargo shirts bucket

hat is not fair but like just a fat dude who wears like milk duds t-shirts all the time yeah just like fuck this fat motherfucker yeah i hate oh i really almost when we were talking about the paternal order of the boyfriends, one of those other things is when you see another fat guy who's at least trying, and that's like a level of, and you're like, you know, like, because we're, like, we both try it. We'll, like, get, like, good sneakers. I mean, today you wouldn't know it from looking at us, but, like. But, like, we try.

We're trying. When you go out, yeah, we're not buying whatever just the stock t-shirt they sell at Casual Male XL is, you know. I don't have, like. Shout out to Harbor Creek, though. That is a good brand. That-shirt they sell at Casual Male XL is. Shout out to Harbor Creek, though. That is a good brand. That is a good brand. It's a solid brand. Tap some button down. Stern stitching.

Yeah. Extras that give you eight extra buttons. Yeah, I don't want to see a dude in a fucking Milk Duds t-shirt where I'm like, oh, because that's the one XXL shirt they sell at Target. Or tie-dye. Oh, that guy. Anything tie-dye. Oh, fucking fat dudes with fucking tie-dye.

Go fucking find it. Get the fuck out of here, dude. Jesus Christ. Don't be that guy. Just don't be that fat guy who wears blue t-shirts all day, dude. I gotta be out here and exist. I hate that shit. Yeah, fuck God, yeah.

Why not? Or just be the one that says, like, here comes Big Daddy. Like, we know, dude. Stop that. I think that's very funny. I agree with that. I agree with Big Daddy. like here comes big daddy like we know dude stop that i think that's very funny i do have one fat guy t-shirt and i'm mostly eating at the house yeah but i got it at the moon you said eat it at the house what a Freudian i'll never be full with chocolate chip what is the shirt though I got it at the

moon pie factory and it says eat mo pies okay well that goes back to Nicole's first pic yeah that's the funny part

eat my pie there was a picture of me with that t-shirt but like I had something covering what was after the P

and the girl I was messing with at the time commented on the picture and she was like does that mean does that say what I hope it says I was messing with at the time commented on the picture and she was like, does that mean, does that say what I hope it says? I was like, thanks.

Hell yeah. We all just want that social media confirmation. Yeah, we do. You know what I hate the most? Seeing a dumpy fat woman with a beautiful man. Because I'm like, how did you do it? How did you do it? You should be excited.

I love that. You see that a lot in Portland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You see a lot of beautiful people with dumpster trolls. And it's very befuddling and boring. I love that. Why should I be excited about that?

It's like watching Paul Abdul and that cat. It just gives me a lot of hope. Yeah, but you're not a dumpster woman. Some days I want to be. Yeah, but you don't look like a dumpster. You're too pretty. That's very nice of you to say. You always wear nice clothes, too. I've never seen you wear bad clothes. But I don't look like a dumpster. You're too pretty. That's very nice of you to say. You always wear nice clothes, too.

I've never seen you wear bad clothes. But I don't want to. But you do. And then sometimes, because Adam always looks nice, that brings up my game. But I don't want to do that because I don't want someone like Nicole being like, look at that dumpster with that nice young man. Yeah, but I don't think you guys look like a dumpster. You don't look like a dumpster.

I, on the other hand, am wearing sweatshorts and a black t-shirt with probably a stain on it. But I was nominated for an Emmy. People can tell. It's coming off of me. People just feel that coming off of me. Wait, who's probably going to mention it a lot? Oh, you haven't heard?

No, I didn't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just this last Emmy award. Ah, I never talk about it on the podcast. I'm happy to crack it open. Is this how you get introduced on stage? Emmy nominated? No.

Emmy nominated? I might in Portland. I might have them just read literally every credit I've ever had before just to eat into my hour because I'm not

super confident about it. I am Carmel. I am. They put my... I love... I have them put... The theater I'm doing it at for some reason

put I am Carmel on the poster. That's great. Just a huge typo. Which is crazy, because that's my home city. I've done that theater before. That's really funny. Yeah.

That's why I had them put one aside. I'm going to frame it. I know. So it's time for my third and fourth picks. And I'll make these fairly quick. One thing. So with my third pick, I am going to take. Okay. Ooh. I'm getting past. So with my third pick, I am going to take, okay, ooh.

I'm getting past the really fun ones. Okay, I'll do this one first. Those nights in where you just kind of watch a movie and it's chill. Yes. I really like that about date where you're just like, you've been out on a bunch of dates. Maybe you've been on like seven, eight dates. You've gone out. You've had like a bunch of dates. Maybe you've been on, like, seven, eight dates. You've gone out. You know, you've had, like, a bunch of fun, different experiences. And then they're just cool with, like, hey, do you want to, like, Postmates some food?

Yes. And, like, maybe start, like, a Netflix show or just, like, watch the screener or just, like, whatever. And they're just so nice. Just, like, when the pressure to perform is off because you realize you, like, like each other enough. Yeah. That you can just be, like, I'm going to fuck. You're like holding hands and then like kiss every once in a while. Yeah.

And you're okay being silent. Yes. Oh, that is so. Which is nice. I love it. Getting to the point. I mean, I don't. Because that could be its own pick in and of itself.

But yeah, when you just like can be around each other and appreciate each other's company without talking. You get to wear comfortable clothes. Yes. Yeah. You're not all fucking gussied up. Right. She might put one of your shirts on. She comes right in.

She's like, excuse me, I need your shirt. Yeah. You get a blanket. And we laugh because it looks like a ball gown. It looks ridiculous on you. I'm like, you want a belt for that? Yeah. You want to wear another hoodie?

I usually date dudes smaller than me, so that would be very embarrassing for me. To squeeze into it. Fucking crop top t-shirt. another hoodie? I usually date dudes smaller than me so that would be very embarrassing for me. If they put on a teeny tiny fucking crop top t-shirt because they're small. Like, isn't it sexy?

I got maybe a foot or so on the girl I'm dating right now. She's like, so when she puts on one of my shirts it is ridiculous. Have you ever not

had a foot or so on a girl that you're dating? Wait, when I dated this Amanda girl. She's very tall. Very tall. She was like maybe six feet tall. Ooh.

Yeah. That's a treat. She's come up on the podcast before. She's wonderful and tall. Yeah. But even then, if she put on one of my shirts, it would still drape over

on account of my stature. Oh, yeah. I can't do that. Yeah. Skinny man. I like the first because you can get a nice blanket and pull it over. And not only is it romantic, but it's like one of the first times I just like let my belly fly.

Yes. Let it live. I'm like so comfortable. Yeah. And they can't see shit. It should almost make a noise like a can of soda opening. It's just like. Yeah.

Do you wish that was the sound it made when you unbutton your pants. It feels very Biscuits. Very funny. The canister opening. I mean, that's basically what's happening.

Cracking open some biscuits. Tap it with a spoon. So in the interest of time, night and watching a movie, I love that. And then, one thing I like is So in the interest of time, night and watching a movie, I love that. And then one thing I like is recognizing an act made out of love rather than one made out of passion, if that makes sense. Interesting. Like when you do something for someone in a relationship or they do something for you that either one of you knows isn't fun and it's not because

you're like trying to like win points or like get laid or anything like that. You're just doing it because you really care about this person. Oh, that's the best. Like she did something that she like noticed and she did something for you. And she did something when it's like. She's like, I did this because I know you always do this. Yeah. And you're like, oh man.

They like, they do that for you. I do always do that. Or they get you like a, yeah, get you like a little present or just like will go somewhere with you. Like if it's like. They do that for you. I do want to do that. Or they get you a little present. Or just will go somewhere with you. I love that. Or, yeah. They go to the doctor with you. You have to go to urgent care.

And they just chill with you. Or they plan a date that they just know that you'll love. Yes. I love doing that shit. Yes. Like three separate locations where you're like, first, we're going to have dinner at this place. And then they know exactly what you're going to order.

Yeah. Because they've just been paying attention to what your likes and dislikes. And they don't take you to a soup restaurant, for example. Right, exactly. If someone ever took me to a soup plantation, I'd be so upset. Where there's cold cheese and no vodka. Oh, my God. It's all soup, cold cheese, and no vodka. It's terrible. I would cry if someone brought me there.

But also, I would think it was very funny that someone brought me there but also I would think it was very funny that they brought me there if a man loved me and brought me there he would have little airplane bottles of vodka in his bag for me and a cheese warmer but he'd be slipping you those grey goose pounders

oh and by the way Nicole they have a soft serve machine do they have a soft serve machine. You're like, oh, this place isn't so bad. Do they have a soft serve machine? Oh, 100%. Oh, you'd actually love Soup Plantation. Yeah, Soup Plantation is actually really good. It's not mostly soup.

It's a delicious buffet. I don't know why they leave with soup. In Portland, the same chain is called Sweet Tomatoes. Yeah. Because it's mostly a salad bar, and then they have pizza and, well, pizza-ish. Maybe I should go. I love a soft serve machine. Oh, you should check it out. It's good. I love soft serve.

It's like country buffet without all the stuff that's super crappy. I love country buffet. It's so good. Oh, me too. I just got recognized at one a few months ago. That's big. That's big. It wasn't as cool as you. It wasn't. It's cool. No, anytime you get recognized, it's cool. Just the way it happened, it was just like me

and Johan. It was at the one next to the airport and I just had a plate full of roast beef and fried chicken. So it was more of an accusation than getting recognized? Are you David Borey? No. Who else would it be?

Come on. I'm Chris Cubis. It's three o'clock. Amy, it's time for your fourth pick. Okay. I'm going to go with dry humping. Oh, yeah. I was going to put that on there.

I love a dry hump. I like a good dry hump. Do you ever have a dry hump where it's like you go pee and then you come back and it's like four o'clock in the morning. There's just like a little flurry of dry humping. Yeah. And then you just like go back to sleep. Oh, yeah.

And you're peeing with kind of like a half boner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that half boner, dude. I do not like dry humping. No, not at all. Fuck me. Put something inside of me. Wet humping.

Nicole, you've got to be thinking long term. No, I don't like it. I'm just always juiced up, and I just want to fuck. I love it. But I can actually come from a good dry hump. No, never. Yeah, if I find the right angles to grind on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No. I love it just making out and dry humping because you're kind of like figuring out. It's like mapping the body without seeing it. It's like a topographical body. Sure, sure. Where you're like, yeah, I can kind of tell how big his dick is. No, pull it out.

Pull it out. It's fun to wait sometimes. Nope, I can tell how big it is when it's in my mouth. Pull it out. Taste how big it is. I'm with you. I like the restraint a little bit. There's something erotic about the restraint.

It takes me back to my high school days when I was so in love but I was a Christian and so we did everything but sex. It's just like hot. That dry humping I didn't like. High school dry humping because it was just like getting your air cut off. It's just like

Yeah, that's how I feel now. Give it to me. Well, also, some of the best orgasms are like, you're early dating, you dry hump, dry hump, he goes home, and then you just finish it off while thinking about what his dick might look like. No, he can finish it right there. It's the best.

Pull it out. Just a little scrape over the nips. No, I'm not going to dry humping. You know, just a little graze. Just buzz the tower. And you're like, yep, they're always hanging this high. I swear. It's crazy.

I can't explain it. Just right up under my chin. Dry humping now. And I always last this long. This is how it happens. Half an hour. Yeah, every time. Yeah.

Get used to this. It's really romantic, too. You're staring into each other's eyes and like. Flip me over. It depends on the dude, though. It's only if I want it to be long-term that I play by the Steve Harvey rules. 90 days till you get the cookie.

Wait, 90 days? Yeah. That's a long time. Did Steve Harvey make that rule up, though? He made it up, yeah. Think like a man, right? I don't think that's how he thinks. I sort of tried it out as a joke,

and then I think maybe by like 60 days it wasn't that funny of a joke. Wait, did you make it the full 90 days with your current boyfriend? Yeah, I think we did, yeah. Wow. Yeah. And now we're still together. Three years later. You mean 10 less than 100 days? It was a long time. That's a long

time. I was giving blowjobs, though. The longest I've ever waited is six. I was giving blowjobs. Six dates? Yeah. So like a month The longest I've ever waited is six dates. Six dates? Yeah. So like a month and a half? It was hot though while you were waiting, right? No.

No. I was in turmoil. Take it out. Just in turmoil every night being like, when? When? I'm judging by the like, soup is not a meal, all these things. Soup is not a meal. Like, not a big delayed gratification meal. Dry humping, fantastic.

David, it's time for your fourth pick. Oh, my fourth, the best thing? Not having to be single. Oh, that is great. To fucking field those questions, to have to, like, dude, do you know, I mean, Ian knows, you guys, maybe it's the same with girls. You know how exhausting it is to go out with dudes who are just trying to get laid? Oh, God. Like to go out with those, those are your friends.

I hate it when that's the mission. And it's like, it's a mission, but it's like, it's the same every week. Greg, you're going to fuck. We're all going to find reasons not to. And Robbie's going to get in a fight. That's what's going to happen. You don't know what's going to happen. It's the same.

It's a rerun. Insanity. Banging your head against the wall thinking something else is going to happen. It sucks so bad. Oh, yeah. Because Ralph, Ralph, you're going to get laid. I don't know why Ralph is the guy.

But you know, it's just always the same shit. I know. Everybody's got a Ralph. Yeah, the dudes who get laid all the time and the dudes who get laid all the time. The dudes who get laid all the time and the dudes who get laid all the time. The dudes who get it once a month or the dudes who get it once a month. Why do we keep pretending like every night we could get laid? It's going to be the same thing every time.

Some of those fuck dudes, they go out and they can just do that. Yeah. I don't want to have to worry about that when I go out for drinks. I don't want to keep going out with you when you're putting numbers on the board. Yeah. I don't want to keep going. I love when it's a pleasant surprise. Yeah.

I wasn't expecting this. It was not the goal, but look what's happening. Yeah, I don't want to kiss this girl because you're not kissing her. Yeah. I don't want anything to do with it. I don't like going out. I just don't like going out with, like, a pack of dudes. I'm with it.

It gets to be exhausting. Yeah. Oh, yeah. A pack of ladies being like, we're going to get dead tonight. Yeah, it can't be that fun, right? It's not fun. And then someone

always cries by like, you know, 1 a.m. and you're just like, fuck. Everyone's always settling no matter what happens. Oh, yeah. You set the goal

and you're like, guess I have to fuck someone and you're standing here. Yeah, you're here. And that's the moment you guys wait for. You seem like you might have bad powers or whatever.

I'm all right. You have actions. I'm pretty cool, right? Take it, yeah. We've been talking for 20 minutes. It's one. 20 minutes. I am happy to be the fire extinguisher closest to the bar.

Not having to be single, it's great. I'm going to, just because we've been, it's probably been two hours already. Okay. Nicole, your fourth probably been two hours already. Okay. Nicole, your fourth and then your final pick. Making someone go somewhere that you like, but they don't necessarily like. Oh, hell yeah. But then they act happy about it and fine with it. Yeah.

I dated this guy who didn't like ice cream very much. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, I don't. I made him go to two separate ice cream places and he was just like, this is fine. I like it. It's okay. That's good. You can see the crazy. Yeah, I don't. I made him go to two separate ice cream places and he was just like, this is fine. I like it. It's okay. That's good. You can see the commitment.

Yeah. He like ate ice cream even though he didn't like it. It was great. But it didn't last. Was this the guy with the cold lips? Because I think I may have solved a mystery. Oh, no. That's why he's such a cold.

We were eating ice cream. No, it was a different man. That's crazy. This guy didn't like ice cream and you still gave him a chance, but he went with you anyway. So I guess that shows. But I want ice cream. And he's like, all right, we can go get ice cream. That is nice when someone like.

It's very nice. Yeah, when they're just like, all right, we'll fucking go see Kingsman Golden Circle. A little go to Magpies, which is my favorite. I fucking love it. Have you had the vegan ice cream cake oh yes oh my god it's so good

magpies is fucking insane they have this like corn almond vegan ice cream yes that like I was like corn almond fuck off

but then I ate it and I was like this is like cereal if you're in the greater Los Angeles area listeners you gotta go go to magpies

oh my god do you guys know Dave Childs no who's Dave Childs? No. Who's Dave Childs? Liquid feet. Oh, okay.

I know him, yeah. He's very funny. He's a funny dude. But I had this Sunday afternoon where I went to this pizza place and Dave Childs was there and then right after went to Magpies and he was also there. Hell yeah. And we were like, all right. You guys bang around. Just a couple of fat kids killing time.

Pizza and ice cream? What a dream. Yeah, what is it, your birthday? It could be your birthday every day when you, stop the dance. Pizza and ice cream? What a dream. Yeah, what is it, your birthday? It could be your birthday every day when you're Nicole. I would.

Great pick, Nicole, and your final pick. Oh, I have to do my final one? One last one. Okay. Then I'm gonna say blowjobs.

Blowjobs. Nice. I love giving a blowjob. I love seeing that dick for the first time. I love flopping it in my mouth. I love figuring out if you want your balls tickled. I love figuring out if you're into butt play.

I love tickling that taint. I wish you guys could see the dance. There's invisible cast in our music. It's usually not a visual. People want to see video, and I'm like, all right. This is like, I wish that. I went to a place because I didn't realize I was doing it. No, it was so great.

It was like, that's your heart song. You were in a trance. You were tickling the tates. It was like this excellent space work. You can tell you're an accomplished performer. Also, just the appreciation is so precious that they're just, like, almost in tears. Like, thank you so much. And and you're like it's no big deal I enjoy it and then you're like well

they're like we're getting married now I guess that is basically the steps and then you ruin their lives and they move to Los Angeles it all starts with one blowjob in a hotel room especially if you get like a divorced guy or a guy who just came out of

and he hasn't had one in six years and he's just, you could see the tears welling up. And then you're like, I'm a saint pretty much. Yeah. But like you also like it. I do. I love giving a blowjob. I love it. They're fun.

I feel the same way about going down on a girl. Yeah, really. I don't understand when people are like, that's gross. You're like, I don't know. So you don't like vagina though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If you think it's gross, you don't like pussy. Yeah. It's crazy. You, really. I don't understand when people are like, that's gross. So you don't like vagina, then. If you think that's gross, you don't like... It's crazy. You're gay. I love it. What a fun adventure going down there every time.

Maybe you're a butt guy. To quote Solomon Georgiou. The gayest thing he's ever heard of. What? Straight men who don't go down on women. For real. He's like, who are you for? Who are you for? We might have to run into Solomon tonight.

David, it's time for your final pick. Oh, okay. My final pick. And this is kind of a cop-out answer, but my favorite part about dating is the first day out. The first day that it's over. The first day. I'm walking down the street singing the Bee Gees.

And I could be anything. Because I'm back. I could be single as my normal state. So I'm like, anything could happen now. I'm singing that. I'm walking down the street. What's that song? Back in the New York swing. Oh, Groove.

Groove. I'm just singing that. I might spin on the street. Hell yeah. You know what I mean? I'm picturing that ELO song that's like, Mr. Blue Sky. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And that's me just walking.

You know, where are you singing to cover the pain? The first day, I'm excited. The second day is when it hurts. But the first day, it just goes back to potential. You're calling friends you haven't talked to in a year. Keep dirty! Hammer tonight! That's when it hurts, because then it's like,

oh no, we got a show in fucking Albany or something. But no, the first day out is like, I really like it. You try to go to a bartender where the bartender knows you, you're like, hey. You get to be a dirtbag again because no one's calling you.

Yeah, nobody's watching. Nobody needs to know where I'm at. Because I'm really bad about that in general. Flagorant. Yeah, I need to be free. I'm afraid of not being free. But yeah, the first day out is, I love it. 100%.

It's like that, you ever heard that Tee Grizzly song? Yes. I always brought that up earlier. The first day out. First day out. It feels like that, you ever heard that Tee Grizzly song? Yes. I always brought that up earlier. The first day out. It feels like that song. You're just like, they tried to hold me down. Tried to hit me with the Rico.

Yeah, first day out. Can't even walk into a jewelry store with a hoodie on. Yeah, not me. No, not you. Please don't do that. Not me. No.

You and Tee Grizzly. It's not a good look. They will kill me dead. Not me. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You anti-Grizzly. It's not a good look. They will kill me dead. There is like a certain level of- Me on the other hand, very welcome. They'll kill you with that mustache. I know. They'll start cleaning up because they think I'm like the boss's boss.

I think we all have that level of self-love too where even if we get broken up with, we're like, well, I guess that person sucked. Yeah, yeah. I'm super cool. They fucking knew it. First day is like you're still running. And you're like happy you know it now. Yeah. And like the first day you're like, man, she was fucking lame anyways.

She had a Green Day CD in the room. Go back to the Chance the Rapper from Ultralight Beam lyric, you know? Yeah. I know that my ex is looking back like a pillar of salt. Yeah. You're like, you fucking blew it! You idiot!

Fall apart. Fall apart, all right? I have two roommates. Moving on. I have two roommates. Amy Miller, time for your final pick. Okay, I feel like this is a very white pick, but I want to go with my first time

doing karaoke in front of him. Hell yeah. But that's different because you're super... Marissa's laughing at me. You're super good at karaoke. So it's like a huge reveal. Yeah, and I play it cool. I guess I'll sing a song, but I've been thinking about it for weeks.

Oopsies, we accidentally ended up... I did this to Adam once when we were early dating. I was like, before we go to this show, let's just grab a drink at this bar. I fully know that it was karaoke night. I got there way before him, picked out a song, and I was like, I mean, yeah, I guess I'll go up. And then they're just like, you're an amazing singer.

You suck dick and sing good. Very funny. I'm gonna move to Los Angeles I'm calling my mom right now yeah exactly I can't sing so that's not a thing for me I wish I could sing

you're probably still charismatic when you're doing it have you tried other songs there's a showmanship to it I've sang two songs ever at karaoke Have you tried other songs? There's a showmanship to it too. I've sang two songs ever at karaoke. Nah, see? One was Spice Girls with a Friend that went well because it was like with a friend.

Yeah. And then the next time was Cher's Believe. Yeah. And it was like pretty painful. And at one point I was like, this is bad. This is painful. And this man in the audience is like, yes. We're not audience in the bar.

It is. That song's a lot harder than it looks. I'm not. Fuck that guy for not having your back. Were you drunk enough? I was pretty drunk. It probably was still charming as well. Yeah.

No, it was bad. But also, I wasn't on a date. I was with a friend. Right. Oh, yeah. You can do whatever you want. No, this is just a secret weapon because I don't have that many skills. I could say something. I'm sad.

See, I don't believe it for a second. I feel like you would kill that. That's good. Very bad. I love Cher, though. Whoa. I just saw Cher in Vegas, you guys. Did you?

It was incredible. Oh, my God. I was just here. We just saw Jay in Vegas. We did just see Jay in Vegas. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. That's nice. We also saw Memphis Bleak. We did just see Jay in Vegas. Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah. That's nice.

We also saw Memphis Bleak. It's a whole story. Yeah, it was a whole thing. Vegas is great. Vegas is great. It's like a one-stop shop to see everybody you want. Yes. I'm going to go close to LA.

It's so close. It's a 45-minute fucking plane ride. I'm taking my mom to see Elton John in March. Oh, what a dream. Me and my mom are going to get drunk on gin and tonics. I'm going to give her too much money to play. Give her some menthol. I'm going to buy her some menthol cigarettes. That I'm going to give her too much money to play. Give her some menthol. I'm going to buy her some menthol cigarettes.

That's nice. It's the only place she smokes is in Vegas. That's nice. Yeah. That is cute. I want to go see Elton John. I'm going to get a hamburger. She'll go to bed early.

Then I'll be alone in Vegas. Oh, man. Where are you going to stay? I will lose $10,000. Where are you going to stay? I'm going to do it up because it's my mom's birthday. So I'll probably get her a room at the Cosmo. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. She's listening to this right, so I'll probably get her a room at the Cosmo. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, she's listening to this right now. Hopefully not anymore. Yeah, stay at the Cosmo. There's a good steak restaurant in there, SGK. Yes. I love SGK. I ate a – so we go – last year, me and a couple of my friends – you didn't come to this one. Conegas.

Conegas, the year before. We went to see Conegaas on the Ultra Light Beam tour in Vegas and at STK we went hammered and I started eating off a menu. So they brought we ordered meatballs

to start off with and then I just put them on a leather menu. I'm like that's a weird plate but they were cool because it's Vegas so we went to the nicest restaurant.

So fucking funny. This is a weird place that you're eating off a menu. They sold us wine even though I was nicest restaurant. So fucking funny. This is a weird place. Sorry, you're eating off the menu. They sold us wine even though I was doing that. Vegas is wild. Oh, Vegas, they let you be insane. I fell asleep on top of the sheets with my jeans on.

It's a legit misunderstanding. And my team's drunk. Dishes have gotten very arty. Huh? You never know what's a dish now. It could be a slab of wood. I'm saying it could be. Yeah, maybe you eat off a leather. Maybe that the whole place so funny i would love to be the

waitress who was like that fat man's eating off a leather here fat mario's over here yeah me and my somehow more reasonable but also blackout drunk friends i bet it was also pretty funny though i think they liked it that's so funny i feel like sean blew the whistle and was like we were about to order steaks and i was about to put the whole thing on the card as we discussed earlier but uh yeah and sean was like we gotta go we gotta get this guy to bed good yeah um it's time for my final pick karaoke it is It is wonderful to do that in front of someone for the first time. And I am going to take... And this is something I'm really enjoying.

I enjoy... Because I've been in relationships where at the first sign of trouble, you'll just end it. You'll get out of there. You'll find a reason. But I really enjoy like when you find someone with whom you want to like work actually work through shit and like actually work on it. It's so scary.

It's terrifying. You want to try. Because it's hard. It's so hard. It's so hard. It's so much easier to just walk away. I know. Don't turn around. But then you find someone you're like okay okay, let's actually try to listen to you and what you're saying and think about, you know, and like actually working through problems. And there's something I'm finding, like, earlier on, like, I would get more out of trying to like, you know, be with as many, not be with as many women, but charm. Yeah, be with as many women as I could,

and, like, try to charm them, and, like, if something didn't work out, fuck it, you weren't right for me, and, like, go on to the next thing. But I'm really enjoying and getting, like, a lot of, like, happiness out of, like, just trying to, like, work through problems now, which is, can be scary, but, like. Well, you're navigating so many, you're navigating everyone who came before you yes family stuff yes social stuff i mean right now what a time to date a woman it is i mean we're so mad yeah and you do like i mean like when you hear all of that and be the best version of yourself yes at the same time and try to, yeah.

But like hopefully with somebody who can like let you stumble and is like patient with you. Like, oh, I fucked up. I'm sorry. You know. Yeah. And, you know, listen to them and then work through that, which is really nice. It is a weird time. When you were talking about like how I had to buy dinner for women and I was also like for all those dudes who had never done it.

Sometimes you get in a relationship, dudes, quit fucking up. We're just, we are, that is crazy, dude, because when you talk

to a girl sometimes and you just be like, whoa, what happened to you? He was just living like that. That's what I love. There are some dudes who are wild.

Wilding out there. and then it comes out like, oh, women are crazy. It's like, we all need to talk to each other. Yes, talk to each other. You're ruining it. It's to talk to each other. Yes, talk to each other.

You all are acting insane. Because the other thing is that it is. It's these dudes out here. We don't talk to each other at all. No. What are you doing? Oh, cool, man. See the fucking nuggets?

Oh, yeah, that sucks. Yeah. Let's get drunk. 100%. It never really goes into that. We do. But like. We do.

But that's also like, we are like trying. Yes. And like the last few years, I've really tried to be like let's talk about how i feel today yeah like you know what i mean but like for the like especially young dudes the ones who are doing the majority of the fuck like 21 year old monsters monsters like i've had like you've come into a relationship afterwards and when like a woman will start to open up to you about previous relationships and you're like j Jesus Christ. And this is what I think a lot of us... But then you're also kind of like, I'm a pretty good dude.

Yeah. That's a slippery slope, too. Where you're like, I'm an angel. And we're like, no, you're not. No, you also have... You do bad things, too. You have the normal problems. Yeah.

Yeah, that are still annoying and everything. You're still better, but it's a very low bar. Yeah, it's such a low bar. No one's getting a medal. But dudes, talk to each other and fucking check your friends and shit. Because it's like... Yeah. You's such a low bar. No one's getting a medal. But like, dudes, talk to each other and fucking like, check your friends and shit. Like, cause it's like, you're not just hurting women, you're also hurting

other dudes in a way less, but I mean, if you have to be selfish, or like, draw a line through gender, we're also just fucking each other up, you know? We are, cause you care so much about each other's opinions, and then you just throw this dumb shit out there, and then the whole group is like, yeah, I guess that's true.

We're all going to be dirtbags together. Yeah. That's not true. But if one guy is just like, hey, I don't know. I guess it's kind of uncool to be like the socially conscious guy in your group. Yeah. But I mean. There's so much pressure.

It's not not cool, though, either. It's not like. Depends on the group. Yeah. It depends on the group. But it's definitely harder when you're younger. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Also, because when you're younger. Yeah. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Also, because when you're younger, you're all trying to, like, you're all just, like, telling each other that you had sex. Yeah. And you're figuring out your own personality. I have sex. It's, like, a thing I do. And you're also coming from such a place of hurt as a, you know, as a young dude, right?

Yeah. Like, I mean, you think. Somebody stomped on it. Yeah. Because there is, yeah, because young women are as dumb as we are. So, you know. No, we're not. Absolutely not. No, we're fucking brilliant. They're dumber versions

of themselves, but they're not dumb as we are. But, like, everyone's a little dumber when they're younger. But, I mean, like, yes. And then dudes will, like, explain off all sorts of terrible behavior just because, like, this one girl didn't fuck me this one time. It's like, well, that doesn't give you, like...

She didn't like you. She had reasons for that. And then you're, like, giving that... You use that to grant yourself a decade's worth of being a fucking scumbag, you know? Yeah. Stop doing that. And then you all end up having to apologize for each other.

Yeah. Once you find that person you want to work through it with. Right, exactly. And you have to work through, like, the other issues, this fucking garbage they left. Yeah. Anyway, even that being the case, I do enjoy working through that.

So that is my final pick of dating. So that's it. We've gone through it. We did it! Nicole, you went first, and you picked being eaten out, and then butterflies, and then the first kiss,

and then making someone go somewhere you like, but maybe they don't like it, but they do it because they like you. And then blowjobs. Boys. Blowjobs. Blowjobs. Blowjobs. David, you went second. You took taking, talking shit together, the fraternal order of boyfriends, sync up your party schedules, not having to be single anymore.

And then the first day out the pen amy just to quote that t grizzly song fully amy you went third and then you have free meals from losers pretending pretending to be outdoorsy to impress someone and then feeling the benefits of it like legitimately thank you flipping through 10 years of their facebook page with wine with wine dry humping and then doing karaoke in front of them for the first time. I went last and I picked the first date, Sunday mornings, a night in watching a movie, recognizing something that is an act of love rather than an act of passion. And then my final one is working through it. So romantic.

I know. You didn't say anything sexual. And then anal. Anal. Is the other one. Thank you. The butt. First time you slide into that. You didn't have one more Anal. Is the other one. Thank you. The butt. First time you slide into that.

Yeah. You didn't have one more, did you? No, I didn't. No, no. I always get six now. And anal is my last one. Butts. No, but we, yeah.

So this is one that's so esoteric, it's hard to talk about what we left on the board. Cooking for someone, I really, really like. And I left that on the board. Me too. I love that. Cooking for someone. Maybe even cooking using HelloFresh on the board me too I love that cooking for someone maybe even cooking using HelloFresh

one of our sponsors wow listening to SiriusXM first time you one or both of you cries together yeah oh that is good oh I've never cried

with anyone you haven't? I don't no because then they think you're that weak it can take a while but it's really nice

what are you talking about? Yes, they won't respect me. I've seen you cry and I respect you. Yeah, that's because we're not dating. If we were dating, I would stuff it in there. That's not good. If we were dating, I would want you to cry if you felt it. I don't know if I need anyone to cry.

What would I be crying about if I was dating you, Amy? Come on. There you go. Come on. This kid's dipped in silver. But when you first put it out there and really let it rip, and they're cool about it, it's very comforting. I'd imagine.

I don't think I... I've never cried in front of a significant other, and I don't think I ever will. I've for sure done it. In front of all of them. Probably do it tonight. Maybe do it tonight. I cry a lot

I think we're gonna get into the cups tonight yeah yeah yeah the feelings are it's a shark skimming right below the surface my feelings

it could jump out at any time yeah so that's the draft thank you thank you guys so much for doing it I hope you had a good time

thanks for having me yes make sure you listen to Why Won't You Date Me Nicole's new podcast, on the HeadGum Network. Damn, son. Is that a HeadGum crossover? It's a crossover!

Listen to Who's Your God? Who's Your God? Who's Your God, Amy's podcast. Listen to All Fantasy Everything, David and I's podcast. Yeah, yeah. Keep sending Shane Tora sampler platters. Keep giving Sean Jordan love out there on the road. We love you, Sean, wherever you are in the Denver area right now.

Give Nicole vodka. Yeah, vodka. Please give me some vodka. Give all of us vodka. People who came out, yeah. Keep, Marissa, what do you want out of this? Oh, I don't think fan mail. Fan mail.

Keep sending fan mail in. Wait, what's your email? At Marissa, at Mars Mail. At Mars Mail, by the way, if you want to. People tag you on Twitter. Oh, tag Mar email? At Marissa, at Mars Mel. At Mars Mel, by the way, if you want to. People tag me on Twitter about Twitter. Oh, tag Marissa on Twitter. It's at Mars Mel.

M-A-R-S-M-E-L. Make sure you like and subscribe. Give us that five star rating. Shout out to everyone on Instagram. Shout out to everyone on Twitter.

Make sure you send yours in. We love seeing that. Sorry this one was so long. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit and tune in again next week for another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything.

This is Walter Cronkite and she clocks the way it was. Oh, I like that one. I know, I was thinking about it for a while. Yeah. that was a hate gun podcast