All Fantasy Everything - Embarrassing Things (That Shouldn't Be) (w/ Laura Peek)

Episode Date: December 4, 2025

This might be the funniest episode we've ever recorded. It's peak Peek.Guest:Laura Peek (@laurapeeklive)Support the show!Join the AFE Patreon at patreon.com/allfantasy for ad-free episodes, mailbags, auction drafts, and other exclusive content.Watch the video podcast at youtube.com/@AllFantasyEverything.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian KarmelSean JordanDavid GborieIsaac K. LeeSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. the pop culture. On this episode, we are drafting things that are embarrassing for no reason. Our guest is the venerable Laura Peek. Venerable. Venerable. I like that. Someone who's so good.

So good at all fantasy, everything, that she reviews her own game tape and listens to her and gets busted. Humiliating cards that my husband walks in on me listening to my own voice. I love it. Were you laughing? I was laughing. We were killing. We were killing. Big Jay Wetsky! Shut the fuck

Jay Wheltsky. I only do it in the car when I know no one I'll hear of it. That's the hard. That makes it so much worse as he comes in your lap.

God damn it Larry, you got him again. Oh, God. He's crazy for this one, Pete. Go on Pete.

Go on pink. I'm your host here and Camel. Peaks heating up. Peaks heating up. With me as always I'm a good friend Sean Jordan and David Boring. It's the idea of you listen to you

so much. Let's go. Peek, Pete. By the way, fully nude. Shaving your leg. One leg up. Yeah. Big you're fucking crushing him again.

I'm picturing Bing Graham's a baby boy. You just slam up. It sucks when your spouse catches you doing anything naked. Anything naked. Oh, that's true. But we're all naked, guys. We've talked about that before. Yeah, house naked.

Yes. Yeah, big-time naked. I'm a clothing. Clothing. Oh, my God. That's your same. I sleep. I sleep naked.

There's no going back. I sleep fully nude. Yeah. And sometimes I do think about, I mean, my whole ass is all over my whole apartment. And it's like, is that great? You know what I think about a lot? You gotta start wiping your butt. Because we got like a-oh shit.

Y'all are wiping it? We got a townhouse. We got a townhouse right now. Oh, nice. We got a townhouse and I'm like, sometimes I'm like, I'm downstairs naked a lot. That's crazy. You know what I mean? It's like upstairs is where the rooms are.

That makes sense. I'm down here naked a lot. You at least have some pants downstairs? Yeah, you gotta have some downstairs pants just in case. And there's just stuff you do naked that feels bad. What if there's a bad? It sucks to feed the cats naked. You just don't feel good.

Most embarrassing things to do while naked, yeah. Feed the animals feels like it would be up. Dog, it sucks. It just is like, you just are like, this is. Because you got to do a weird thing. And it's just like you don't want to... You're like, is my dick there food, too? There's part of that.

Also, like, I don't want my dick next to wet cat food as much as it is. Or my wet little cat. I don't want my dick to be my wet. I didn't even really mean... Picks on fire! You don't think this is getting a run back in the new? Yeah, you wait so crazy. By the time you hear this, I will have listened to it.

You don't think wet little cat's coming back? He's about to play it in the car. I'm going to play feeding the cats. All naked. Next time my mom, I'm like, so he did. He left. My husband's gone. I moved back to my old apartment.

I'm living in Nashville. It was nice to you guys to fly me out. He's pulling fingers out of bags for somebody else. What if there's a big earthquake in your downstairs naked? I worry about, yeah. I worry about natural disaster making. Big earthquake. You're downstairs naked.

Big earthquake. You don't feel safe going back upstairs. Now you're just outside naked in a society that's just experienced a big earthquake. Probably daytime. Oh. New. That's so funny. Honestly, run a bag, new fear just dropped.

I never thought about that once, you motherfucker. I think you should have a downstairs robe. I don't think you should have a kimono downstairs. I need something to that. On every... I never even thought about that. No, the naked thing, the naked thing, sleeping. naked earthquake thing I do think about quite a bit.

I mean, I have shorts right next to the bed. If I, like, it's the kid, you can't go to the kid's room naked. You can't, you know. Yeah, I don't have a kid. That's the point. Yeah. That's why I'm sitting in two years. I mean. Sometimes, sometimes in my old house, I go crazy.

Sometimes if it was like late at night, I take the trash out naked. That's crazy. You're psycho. Into the backyard. In the backyard. Okay, okay, okay. Not into the alley. Not into the alley. No, that's a crime.

But that's a dumpster on the corner of the street. I was a picture in your apartment. Like four houses down. Two houses ago. Oh, you went two houses. And I'm like, you're going in the hallway? Into the elevator? I'm just in the elevator naked.

You're like, it's two. You just ask, is it a trash week or is it not a trash week? Who's coming in? The flight attendants? That's the only people. You got two bags of garbage. You got to hit the button somehow. They're like, hey, I don't think there's anything in those bags.

That's my urban legend. Just the guy who rides the elevator naked in the garbage. on Snopes. You got a whole section on Snopes. Oh, you just moved in? You heard about the naked garbage man? Yeah. No, it's okay.

I can do this. I pay super rent. What's the furthest away from the house you would go naked, though? That is a good question. I'm a, I'm a clothed man. Okay. Well, what are this?

I mean, what's the situation? It could be Miles. We're a war. No, no. We're at war. Miles. Is it the great naked war? Is it the great naked war?

About that far No, I'm not I mean Would you go It's hard to think about it In this biggest city I'm trying to think about the south I'm trying to think about like

Okay here's a question that might Out you a little bit Amazon comes to the door You ever picked up an Amazon naked? Yeah Same Yeah Absolutely

And we did have sex No I'm good Run it back Run it back. Pink, you're killing. That would be... We need a peek.

Will you, Isaac, here are you, will you drop it? Will you come up with a peak drop? Absolutely well. Oh my God, I'm honored. This is my favorite podcast in the world. Every time Pete kills it, we drop the peak drop. 1,000%. Damn, son, come take a peek.

It'll be that. It should be, we should have three or four of them, like, cut up a slice of this peak hand pie. Yeah, we got a few of them. Peekaboo. Yeah, there's got. There we go. Beka.

Yeah. Stupid. Let me comics unleash this. How do you treat TSA people? Now you can still be your story. They were cool. Or I was cool to him because they're not getting paid, right? Yeah.

That is, okay, is there any other type of federal employee that is in that exact circumstance right now working without being paid? I don't know, bro. Are they going to get back paid? That was the question. Air traffic controllers. TSA. That's going to seem like a hard left turn

or maybe something got edited out. Before we started recording, Sean was telling a TSA story. So I just comic unleashed it. Not really. I'm just saying I was being cool to him today. You mean you didn't call me back? I didn't call you back.

Remember I was going in? Yeah. I was so excited. Nope, never got the guy. Because I called my manager to follow up. Yeah. Because they had asked for avails. I called my manager.

I was like, hey, what happened? And he was kind of like, yeah. I texted Adam. I go, hey, we should be Ian and David shoot comments kind of unleashed. And he's like, ha ha that'd be funny I'm like okay so no

that is your manager they asked but they ask for a baby come on I don't want to do it yes

you would do it when you I just got turned down without wanting to do something it is the funny the most thing in the world to think about

your manager like suggesting something to your manager and him being like yeah that'd be sick you should try to get him

kill Tony how do you get that going I think it was him being like new absolutely no

I do it with you guys it'd be so fun it would be way fun I think Byron Allen probably found out about your competing weather channel That's probably what happened Well you know what Fuck him then

If I gotta pick something That's how I retire For those of you don't know David started there competing Byron Allen owns the weather channel David is starting his own weather channel And it tells the truth Yeah

Our news is fairly accurate But highly entertaining Why can't I say accurate? I don't know We should start a far right weather channel It's not raining It's not you're just gay

there's going to be a big cuck flood so you're not going to be able to get down the 405 if you see that tornado you're cucked you're cocked you're cooked and chopped and cucked go watch your wife phone someone sloped we should start we should

you're slopped chopped up to cucks that's how I take my hash browns and waffle off can I get them sloppy top Can I get a sloppy toppy? Just ask the shabby knows what it is.

Is the guy not going to say right? He's like, quit fucking with me. I've started an adult alternative Laffy Taffy called Sloppy Tappy. Alternative Laffy For the alternative lifestyle. It's just Lappy Tappy for queen. You guys advertise on field.

Is that Laffy Taffy? No. Sloppy toppy, when you want to eat 10 at once. Save the drool. Oh, God. Oh, I'm dizzy. I don't know what's going on. I can't speak or smell.

I don't know who's not getting paid right now. I know TSA is not and they still have to work. I think some air traffic controllers are public employees. Do they get back pay? The Trump administration is, I think, trying to not. Shocking. Yeah, crazy. Shocking stuff.

Not me, dude. No, no, no. You know what's crazy? I am glad I haven't had to. to fly, though, because I do hate TSA. Yeah. I don't want to be nice to them. I know. I've seen them be shitty in the worst time.

They're so rude. I fly all the time. I also get sick of people who don't know how to fly, but that just comes with the territory. Of course. But the way they talk to people sometimes and it's like, you don't even do anything. You're standing there. You're yelling at people. They were so mean. The first time we flew with Arthur, a

baby. A baby. He was like six months old. A cute baby. A cute baby. Not one of those uggos. Sweet little boy. He's a precious boy. A precious little guy. Hot little baby. They were so me. They were, maybe he was like three months old. Excuse me, sir.

What the fuck is this? They were like that. They were so like mean and agro and like not understanding. And there was no line. There was like, it was us and one other couple. Zero pressure. And they were like cruel to us. Brother, it's the only group of people that I feel that way by over.

Yeah. Any kind of service thing, I, I, I, I, I, I do. It's only TSA, but like, they've just proven themselves. Time and time again, airport. I've been at more airports than most people. Yeah. You know I'm saying? I know.

It always sucks. You ever go to like a shitty little regional airport? They were meeting in Chattanooga. Come on. Chattanooga, Tennessee. I'm playing the catch. I'm here to play the cats. I'm going to eat at the Walking Dead Guys restaurant.

They're nice at those tiny, like, O'Clair. They were so nice. Not always. I had one recently where you never know. Things change everywhere. I fly every other day. But things change everywhere. I don't always know every rule of every airport.

I'm sorry. Yeah. But I, it was one of those where you said it. Yeah. One rule. It's an actual organization. Yes.

So stupid. But it was one of those where you set it down and then it automatically goes back to that second row. You're like, carry on. And then, okay? So I'm like, I give it a little push and the guy, the guy looks at me and he goes, you're going to break it.

And I do not, I do not, I do not pop off of people. I do not snap. And I went, I went, I don't work here. So I might not know that. I don't have your exact job.

So I might not know that. I was so funny. You're going to freak it. It was so mean. Let me get you a copy of Richard Scarys. What do people do? So you can just sort of see like some people work at the TSA. Other people are farmers.

Let me. Some people would shut the fuck up. That's crazy. Some people know when to shut their fucking mess. Somebody would maybe talk to me. Right. How about that? Sean was nice to those people.

I'm not sure. He was. Good. That's good. I just got into some, it was some TSA in Atlanta. Me and Dan Soder in Atlanta. Well, that feels like the big leagues. Of TSA? Oh, Atlanta.

That's our biggest airport. It's our biggest airport. Yeah. So I feel like you're in the show at that moment. You're going, I mean, I've waited for McDonald's for 45 minutes in that airport. Oh, come on. They got a spank store in there. And I'm buying it.

Yeah. It's too hard to buy in Spanks at the airport. It's too hard to find male Spanx. That's the American dream Have you tried to find male spanks ever? No It's too hard That should be easy for y'all It's hard

I had to order them online I went to the mall I went to three different stores Men need to Do they have a special name? Under a suit Yeah you need that Are they called manx?

They should be They should be called anything They should be called anything What would you have to sign in? Are you wearing spanked up? Spirms Come on spanking You're spanking

You're spanked out This is the effects of... Spank that monkey. This is GLP 1. Gers Spankin. Are you on GLP 1? I am. I sure am.

Oh, how long are you to do that? Oh, four years now? Good. Look at you. I'm on eight. I grew two dicks. Yeah. One of them's a lot skinned.

The second one came out of the first deck. It was like aliens' mouth. I'm not getting married. Jim Corden was a big male spanker. Yeah. What's the company, though? Drop them. I thought it.

I think it's just Spanx. But like when you go to the spank section at the store. They're never going to have a man. men's erasure. Men's erasure and it is. Well, maybe we should start fucking foot out of my way. Do you ever do that again? I didn't mean to. Your shit's big and dumb. It's not dumb, it's big. You get some foot spanks. Get your shit out of my area,

Playboy. I'm sorry you can't recognize what a man's foot looks like. Wait, it's so funny. If you just had on like, the tightest song the whole time. Like, so much spilling over the top. You like my socks? I have lymphedema. I care about a skinny ankle I'm sorry I like presented

I like a slender I like a graceful ankle a bunch of barbed wire I'm punishing myself We should start an agro men's like Like the way Yeah like Spanx

You had me at agro men's Angro like Hanks It's honestly not a bad idea Thanks and Hanks We get Chet to be the face of it Yeah You want who to be the face of it I think he's a guy for sure

That's what they've on the list I think we put them on the list Unintelligible patch wad Just chilling Manx What The Jamaican guy's telling you Man Why Jamaican guys telling you Manx? Guan Witt's tuck in the belly in

Gwan win it He just starts rapping And now back to Comics Unleashed Your tummy feeling I read Chant down on tightly bulges Chantam, I'm not fitting into that suit for your daughter's wedding. Listen, Deb, need to overstand. We should do a porn parody of Comics Unleashed called Comics Leashed.

There's got. You don't want that in here. You need to run with that. Call my manager. He won't be excited. Tell Only fans you're coming over the top. Oh, God. Hey, clear the schedule.

I bet you There's that porn rule though I bet you there is Do you think there's like a late night Parity sex porn Where the comic Maybe late night Probably not only

Wait how do you mean late Like stand up like stand up Like the comic comes on And then they have sex with Conan Like Lay Leno That's awesome Bonin Yeah

Is that what you said? I said Lay Leno Oh Gay Leno Also valid Good too Bonin is I mean Bonin

I'm watching that I'd watch a feature length Jimmy Allen Jimmy Allent Yeah Is Allen bad? Fallon because it's Fallon. Yeah.

Jimmy Fallick. Phallick. Jimmy Fallick. Yeah. Jimmy Fall into this. David sweater. Swetterman? Sweeter meat.

I was about to get it. David sweater meat? Sweeter meat? David sweater meat's a funny name. Dude, sweater meat is crazy. Is that titties? Yeah. That's crazy.

We don't let that one out of the vault a lot. Sweater puppies is fun. Yeah, I've heard sweater meat is wild. that's something guys only say to guys I don't know why that made me laugh I do Their locker room talk is just like hilarious name for this

Do you see the yaboes on her? Sorry, it's sky time It's like at a different frequency So we can't hear We actually say sweater meat all the time You just can't hear Yeah They're dog whistling in me.

My dog whistling, sweat of me. His name is Sean Jordan. Sean Cooper, Bell, Jordan, on Instagram doing the old-fashioned snip right there. Just the phone resting. Right on that belly. It's not all package. These are my big pants. I got about my big pants.

We're Sean and I wearing pants. Yeah. We're six. He came out when we were in the break. he just came out. He's like, these are my big pants. I'm so proud.

I was like, you put them on, buddy. I got a new big pants. You want to see him in person once you bring your ass on down to Helium Comedy Club, December 22nd, Portland, Oregon.

You're of our Lord 2025. Special guests. Right around December 12th. Good. Love that. Let me prepare for this. December 4th. What?

No, December 4th is, so Sean was a very special child. We were recorded up to the 22nd. Was I said to JC. Right? No. We were recorded up to the 3rd. 13th. Oh, no.

The fourth. I was wrong. I got shit going on. Anyway, December 22nd. Still. Didn't step on mine. Still. Still. I want to be able to do that so bad. That was so cool in high school. I know. I know. Everybody could do it. Do you chew? Pack and chew? Yeah, packing and dip. Every boy I had a crush on, had that like faded circle on his ass from having dip in his back pocket.

Hot. Now, the other day, Carson's walking in front of me. He has a little Zinn back here. I felt a flutter. Yeah, I was like, oh, okay. I remember dating trash. And Zins are everywhere. I think the best thing Zinn did was put it in

chew container. Oh, totally. Yeah, the branding's good. I think that was the smartest thing they did. Very good. That was always fun. That was the fun part of chew. Totally. Everything about chewing is fun besides chewing. Having your older brother chew

and spit into a Diet Coke can that he leaves by the computer that you drink. That's not fun. Mm-hmm, or the car. Or the car. I had a weird period where I was chewing leaf tobacco. Oh. Leigh by Garrett.

Is that exactly what it sounds like? Is it like more intense? Yeah, it's like out of the pouch and you just... Oh, yeah. I remember that. Tastes. That sounds kind of pleasant, actually. Yeah, it's not the word.

The first time I did a, I froed up. Is it a Vanderbilt basketball game? It's so disgusting. Chewing is crazy. Did you forget to spit? No, I've been smoky since I was a baby. I said it was like I simply love cigarettes

So it was like I wasn't even like the tobacco I guess But no I was spitting a ton because I felt ill And then I just I was also very drunk of course But I just froed right up That first couple of times It'll get you a huge buzz Oh totally Well and then you're chasing that

You know It does it feels like you're flying the first time you chewed Really? I'm saying I'm going to wait until Arthur graduates And then I'm going to do it at the ceremony We can do it together when you graduates. You guys should do the Sam Lott and get on a ride. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You should put your hand up on his hip.

To tequila. When I dip, he dips, we dip. Oh, that's right. They do, do dip, don't they? And they barf everywhere. My dad, what is in? And then they barf everywhere. Do do do dip.

When he did. David Bori, who and the freak is here. That's like a country music song. Yeah. My and my daddy and dip. When you put your hand up on my hip, when I dip you dip, we dip, we dip, I dip yours. You dip mine. We can get down low wing, grody grind.

Grody grind. Is that the line? That's the lyric, right? No, that was the lyric that I always pretend I know, but I don't actually know what he says. I don't know what he, I thought it was Grody Grind, but now as an adult saying that, that doesn't sound. All I know about that song is he says. Grody grind? That's what I thought of was.

Up to the show in a limo. Stuff that's like not even cool. It can't be it. It can't be grody grind. But I was 12 when I heard that song, so I thought it was Grody Grind. Do you want to Grody Grind? Do you want a grody grind as me? I have some dip if you want a grody grind.

Oh, rolling grind. That makes a lot more sense. As a kid, as a kid, you don't, you don't know what I mean. You don't know. We were singing that Carrie Hilsen song today. Maybe this is not good for it. Which one? Where she's like,

something got cut. It max you up. Something that cut. Look up the Carrie Hilton song. I don't know what she says. Okay, that's not the lyric. It's not the lyric. Oh, it's not, probably this hard like this.

And then we were like, oh, no, that can't. Well, you realize later on that can't be the lyric. That's what happened with me and grody grind. Yeah, it was a grody grind, but it was a worst word. I do like, okay. Again, I'm sure this will be cut, but I do love saying. Something got cut. That's so funny.

But look up Carrie Hilsen. Do you guys want to see a picture of my son? like two months old when we got his passport picture taken. I see the little baby. He's so fucking cute. Look at that little. He looks like he's got a little secret. His little sweet little bays.

You know what's also funny? I was 80% sure you were about to show us a picture of Dean Coons. You can't be Coonson this early? Are you doing a Coonspin? I'm Coonson. You know what Dean Coons looks like? I was unfamiliar with your name. L.P., you know what Dean Coontz looks like?

I can't say that I do. You don't. Different than what you think he does. Really? Let's see him. All right. Pull him up. Pull him up. Dedeen Coonts, bitch.

Oh, I think this is a new picture. Dean's out here getting glamour shots. He's getting pictures because so many people are looking at him. He's like, oh, my Google's going crazy. I got to get some new head shots. I think we didn't open, though, just from mentioning. For sure, for sure. You gave him the AFE bone.

Yo, you're going to be so surprised. You're going to be, for real. I don't know if I'm prepared. Ian's on his Instagram now. I'm blown it. Coonstagram. You're going to be. All right, well, just look at this array of Dean Coonses.

That's not a guy. Dean Coons is a guy. That's not a guy. He's a God among men. He's an author. He looks like late stage cancer Willem Defoe. Yeah. He was young and old at the same time.

He really does. I was like, when you, that far away, that's a college student. Right here, he's on death's fucking door. Yeah, that's called the Coon. That's the coons effect. It'll get you every time. Coons intensity. Let's increase the coons intensity. I just age. Doctor, I can't. Increase the coons density.

Increase the coons. We're losing here. She can't take it. Oh, okay. I'll say this, though. Young coons. Oh, yeah, young coons. Hot little guy. Yeah, a little bit. That's not young, Laura. He's like 55.

Let me see. Let me see this. It's just black and white. Let me see young coons. He looks dead Certainly before the incident Before he saw that kid fall in a well That's right He turned sheet white

Look at Coots getting this shirt off though Wait naked Coons No getting the shirt Did you do your dates? Yeah You did you do your dates December 12 and 13 sports shrink in New Orleans Come out

We're right behind each other there I know Are you gonna say extra at all? I would have if you want to hang out. Stay an extra four days. I would be fun. Dude, we could do each other shows?

Yeah, that would be awesome. I love it down there. I've never done that club before. I'm excited. Oh, that's great. Oh, I'm Laura. Oh, you haven't done it? Oh, it's the best.

Laura Peaks here. Okay. You should come to our festival there. I really want to do that. You should do that. Is that new? Can we do that? Please.

Just tell Andrew. Oh, I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. I'm there. This is the whole point of being alive. Um, December 5 and 6th in New Orleans at Sports Drink.

December 12th and 13th, Minneapolis at Sisyphus. All right, in December 18, I'm at the Milwaukee Improv. Yeah. And then I got a lot of, I'm going to record something next year. In Milwaukee? You were saying you were going to do a vibraphone album, right? Yes, yes, yes. Like, yeah.

Finally can see how I'm actually talented. And then starting next year, I got a bunch of stuff preparing for that. So keep a look out. Laura Peek Live on Instagram. Hell yeah. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel, Cross. platform. I have nothing to promote except I'm going to Deshawn's show on the 22nd. Come see

us in New Orleans at that sports drink festival whatever that happens and go see Laura Peak. Hey! Incredibly funny. Absolutely. Isaac, have you been on camera at all yet? I think I have. Okay, good. Yeah, you gotta show the suit off. Yeah, you got to show him the suit. The drip. Apparently, no spanks. I got a DM once a week about how hot you are, by the way.

What? He's a good looking guy. Send them to me. No, I don't do that. It's from hard. I love how you guys have been, you guys have been sucking Isaac off for years. Yeah. And this well I'm going to dry out for a while. And no, I'm 100% here for Isaac's superiority, but I do love that he has to pretend like he doesn't know he's hot every time. You know what I mean? He really does too.

Oh, what? Shut up. That's part of what's so hot about it. I know it is. He don't know he's beautiful. That's what's the one of direction summer. Yes, yeah, one of the worst songs in history for its message. I only like a girl who doesn't know that she's attractive, annoying.

Harper, you're hot too. I know There he is Honestly not as hot Turn me off It turned me on It's because you've been smoking cigarettes Since you're a baby

Yeah that's right I'm a glutton for punishment What else do you know Today We could talk about how hot Zach Harper is all day And we'm sure we'll get back to it But instead we are here to fantasy draft Things that are embarrassing for no reason

now the way we determine the order of this draft is a rollicking game of rock paper scissors play between the three of you and we throw on shoot here we go rock paper scissors shit oh david wins again three in a row throwing paper every time paper against two scissors to this time and on actual victory david is the winner doesn't come up on you to determine the order

to the draft before you do that we'll remind you was a serpentine draft oh what is that's a good question looking through a pumpkin patch finding the perfect pumpkin brother it's December huh it's December Christmas tree lot look it through a Christmas tree lot, finding the perfect tree. Hey, this is, this is before I pick, what are you guys paying for Christmas

trees? I haven't bought one of years, years and years, because I've never had enough space. Are they crazy? Are they really expensive? 50 bucks? Oh, you mean, well, you mean for a fake tree. We're going fake this year because last year you got to go Honda. I got, I got, a couple hundred. A couple hundred dollars. A couple hundred dollars. Really? Oh, yeah. Man,

you're paying a hundred? Fake tree. Wait, for fake. You just go chop one down. They stuck me for like two and a quarter. Yee. Well, for a real one? Was it great? It was real.

A real tree for two and a quarter? Yeah. You got them down the street. And it was magnificent. You got God. Yeah, you did get God. It was just like we're in it and now we're in it. Yeah.

And I don't have the like, you know what I mean? Did you go to a farm? No, I went to the fucking lot next to the rug store. We go chop our, in Oregon, we go chop ours down. My Jewish wife won't let us have one in our Jewish home. in L.A. Oh, is that? I, too, am Jewish, but I grew up celebrating, yeah.

I grew up celebrating Christmas and Homica. My Jewish wife. My Jewish wife. I say that about Laura, too. Yeah, his Jewish wife. Wait, is that, is that kind of, I didn't know that that was against. I guess I knew theoretically, but I didn't know so much. My mom converted before she married my dad.

So, but she grew up, not really with Christmas because, like, two alcoholic parents, barely anything. Sad. Yeah, very sad. Yeah, yeah. But, like, loves Christmas. loves the season and everything. So we just always did both because Christmas,

well, I guess technically it's about Jesus, it's really just like a winter festival. And it's for children. It's for children. It's so for children. And quite frankly, Hanukkah, it's not fair that it has to compete with Christmas. Right.

It's about pain. It's for adults. Yes, it's like, it's heavy. Can you believe the oil lasted this one? It's got good treats. It's fun, but it's like it's really not meant to go head to head. It's like, it's a 16 seed going against a, the number one seat. It's just not fair. But my wife grew up in a very homogenous, like Jewish

area, like one of the northern suburbs of Chicago, where it was like all Jews, right? So she has no love for Christmas at all and like drew a hard line. Before, like just when we were dating, like, you know, when you're having those like, she knew. What do you want? She's like, we will not have Christmas at our house. Wow. Okay. All right. Yeah. Do you ever miss it sometimes a little bit? Why still we just go back to Oregon every year? So I get all my Christmas. Do you get all your Christmas feelings? Yeah. And your boy will get his Christmas feelings. I go huff a reef at Trader Joe's every now and then.

Get you in the room. Get out of here. Having a Christmas tree in the house is one thing I really do love. I'm so great. I'm excited. This is the first time we've had enough space to do it. Can I tell you this? We have a Halloween tree now.

Halloween tree and I just got for my birthday. I got Thanksgiving bulbs to put on this. So now it's a Thanksgiving tree into a Christmas tree. You're just living in the woods. We have the tree up for three months, probably four. That's fabulous. It's a fake tree. Yeah, it's fake.

Does it pretty smell? Sick. Because of Sean, I got a blow up in the front. I can't use it now, but at the old house. I thought that was like a youth. Dude. I got, yeah, David got a mouse shot in the front yard.

Well, you know, I'm naked out there. Because it's shot. I'm not they're naked. I like that you call it a blowup instead of a blow job. Can I say two very disgusting things that are on my mind right now, and I'm sorry for this. Peek, peekaboo. No one in here is a woman. It's not catching on, John.

Stop trying to make fit. Fetch happen. Fetch. Fetch. Pek-a-boo. Okay. That's a good one. Monique.

When you said, when you said we have a blow up in the front. As a woman, you guys don't know this. If you're sitting really hard in your face. Awesome. That's a blow up. Brenda LaShaq.

Is it where it goes forward? You say peek on a leash? Yeah, dude. Yeah. One of my friends' grandma's who was like the funniest person I've ever met, we were eating dinner. And she goes, y'all I ever had a toot just riff right through the front of you? It's. Goodfellas Copacabana enters.

Yeah. The fart's got a date. Like, I don't like waiting in line. No one bought coke in the bathroom and came up through the gym. I'm going straight to dinner as a fart. Oh, my jaw's popping. What's the second one? You said you had two in the clip.

Well, Christmas tree lots make me think every time I think about a Christmas tree lot. My brother used to classic bro shit would just like hit me in the back all the time. You know, you're like, you can. can't ever be in front of a brother, like, going upstairs, he'll just, like, take your knees out or whatever. And one time we were at a Christmas tree lot, and he poked me in some spot in my back. And I've now read, this is a medical thing, and I shit my pants. And there's, like, a spot that if you hit it, like, just, he, like, jabbed his fingers.

And I'm talking, like, he gave you the dim mic? I'm talking, like, turd. Like, it wasn't, like, it wasn't. Like, a poop pole. Like, I didn't have. It's crazy that your brother, one, being a brother. He beat the game That's the peak being a brother

I made my little sister shitter pants In the Christmas tree lot Yeah There should be a statue of him on that line That's what we do it for Yeah I should be putting up a statue of him In my place to be Christmas

My sister had a controlled poop And I uncontrolled it Did they ever tease that Full turn out? That's so funny And he for years and years afterwards He'd be like I'm gonna find that poop's funny

That's also a hilarious thing for your, like, your parents to catch your brother saying that to you. I'm going to find that boop spot. I'm going to find that poop spot. What's his name? Alex. Alex.

Alex. Alex. Alex. Big shouts out. King, Alex. He's, love you, Alex. His name is whatever he wants it to be. We should know his name, I feel like.

Yes, totally. You can hear that story and not know the man's name. Did you have to tell your parents? Oh, they know about it for sure. She should have been like. She should have her pants in the Christmas tree. Why mean, you had to be like. You're not going to be like, hey, I shit my pants on my own.

This is what I wish I did accents better, because you had to be like, Alex poked me in the back and a turd came out. Ali's poked me in the back and turd came right. Mom, King Alex made me shit my pants. Basically what it means is if you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. With that mind, what were the order of today's refee? I think we're going to do the couch again, meet a big pants. There it is. David.

Paid my own money for it. I think, Ian, big pants. You have the first pick and eat, things that are embarrassing for no reason, as opposed to pooping your pants at a Christmas tree lot, which is embarrassing for one reason. For very specific reason. This one is...

Well, hold up. We're going to get to it right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Uncommon Goods. It's the holiday season. I'm not splitting the atom by telling you that. Everybody's aware of that. one thing that is crazy tough is actually going shopping when you don't know what you want to get. You know what I mean?

Like you're thinking, I want to get something for somebody. I don't know exactly what that is. So I'm just going to go shop. It gets harder and harder and harder to do. One thing that makes it extremely easy is uncommon goods. It is a site you can go to that has something for everybody. They have categories, men, women, teenagers, toddlers, babies, children, grandparents, wives, anyone you could think of. There's a tab. You click on it. And then they have more gifts than I knew what to do with when I was shopping. And I went on there. And so I asked Max what she wanted. And she just so happened to say she wanted a tent. I didn't even know what that meant. So I went on and I just looked for tents. Bam. She got a tent. And then I asked her like what she would say. She said either a star tent or a mushroom tent. They had both. I'm not kidding. It's insane. It was so specific and exactly what you.

she was looking for it. And then we got her little set of beads so she could make us necklaces to say thank you. But it was perfect. It satisfied exactly what she wanted to. They got high quality, unique, often handmade stuff right here in the U.S., you know, crafted by independent artists, small businesses and everything, so you're supporting. And that's one thing with uncommon goods. They give back a dollar to a non-profit partner of your choice. Every single purchase you make. They've donated more than $3.1 million to date. So hop on there, get your holiday shopping done, I cannot say enough good things about it. They had exactly what we were looking for.

Make this holiday the year you give something truly unforgettable. And to get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommon goods.com slash all fantasy. That's uncommon goods.com slash all fantasy for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time off for uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary. This episode of All Fantasy, everything is brought to you by Comic Con the Cruise. Now, first things first, if I've never been on a cruise ship, I would love to go so bad. If you want to go on a cruise, why not go on a cruise with all of these people that you love and admire and want to hang out with because you're all going to be on the same boat and it's going to even the playing field.

Get out there. Take a journey. If you've never been on a cruise, go do it. Go out there and get on a Comic Con cruise. And if you have been on a cruise, I'm sure you already want to do it again. So why not get out there? Go out there, interact with just the fan favorite celebrities. you know, your creators, you can enjoy experiences like in the same spot. And they have so many things going on on the cruise ship. There's like daily tabletop gaming. There's cosplay events. Oh, watch you back. Late night parties.

He doesn't want to party on a cruise ship. Exclusive panels, you're not going to be able to find on the mainland. And also, you get to say the mainland. When you're on a boat, you can say you're on the mainland. You're going to sail round trip from Tampa, Florida to the Nassau Bahamas. Would you call it the Nassau Bahamas? You wouldn't. You would just say Nassau Bahamas.

on Celebrity Constellation, January 30th through February 3rd, Year of Our Lord, 2006. So four-day luxury cruise, fans love it. Elements from Comic-Con are going to be there with unique, interactive, immersive experiences. And just to let you know, just a few folks that are going to be on there, Dominic Monaghan, Billy Boyd, so you have a couple of the hobbits, my favorite hobbits, and Jason Isaacs.

If you don't know Jason Isaac from the Patriot, like I do, you might know them from White Lotus and a slew of other things. So definitely something just to hop on, have fun. Cut loose. It's the holidays. Get out there. Get it done. It's the ultimate fan adventure. Learn more and see the full 2026 lineup, including a star-studded roster of fantasy, adventure, comedy, sci-fi, and more at ComicCon, thecruise.com slash all fantasy. Book a new reservation with promo code All-Fantasy to get $250 off your cabin. Get out there and give it a shot. Like we said, ComicConn thecruise.com slash all fantasy. new reservation with promo code all fantasy get $250 off your cabin do it get on it and we're back welcome back to all fantasy everything already in progress it's time to hit the spot in david's back that makes him do the first pick what if i just shoot my face right that would be the best um um i found the poofs spot go Alex call Alex I found it on my own uh first oh this is I I know this is childish

it shouldn't be when you accidentally touch a man's foot under the table I love that night sorry I'm not gay and I'm sorry

it's just like even now I'm like why does this suck so but it's so weird it's every time I feel that knocking a knee or something hypersexual immediately

It's crazy sometimes you don't you think maybe it's part of the table and you're like knocking around and then it moves and you're like Oh, yeah. The only thing worse than it touch is like a gray. But if you follow up, then it feels very intentional.

And you can never say anything. You can never say anything. You don't apologize. You don't give them a sorry, brother. I call it out. You got call it out. Well, it depends on the man, depends on the table. Yeah, that's true.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to fuck you. I'll kick the shoe off and then trace my pointed foot up the pant line a little bit. Am I being clear? Just going across Pull his sock down A little bit Games

Just little games Little games Like the little games And I like to play Try to see if you can get your toes Up the other side of the table So it's poking out a little bit It's one of these are like

Ah, it's my foot Put my heel on his mouth It's my foot It's my foot in your dinner Oh my God My foot in your dinner My foot in your dinner Your play

something like that something like that good job now I've got my foot in your dinner it's your move you're right about doing three in a day it's the third one of the day it's the third one

and we're at peak in the third one we should have a senator on on the third one I love it now I've got my foot in your jambalaya yeah I mean it kind of so like the body grazing it like whatever like if you you know you accidentally set your hand down

And it just like kind of like that. All that stuff. Yeah. All the body crazy. Yeah. It's just. It shouldn't be embarrassed. Like it's such a natural thing.

We had these bodies for so long. Yeah. We let you know what? Sometimes it touches stuff on accident. What are we doing? Totally. But yeah, man, that shit kills me. I love that.

Laura Peaked up for your first pick. Can I say, can I make a comment on the larger topic? Yeah. So I was thinking about it. It is very interesting to think about things. Because there was so much stuff I thought about it. And I was like, yeah, you should be embarrassed about that. Yes.

That is true. You know what I mean? It's like things that are embarrassing, but genuinely should not be. Yeah. I think fall into like two categories. One is like physical, like your, your corporeal body. And the other is social, like what you just mentioned. So it's like embarrassment comes from outside perspectives, right?

Like you wouldn't be embarrassed if nobody knew about it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Well, nobody knows about that I'm embarrassed as shit. Sure. Yeah. Like, for sure. I've surprised myself.

Okay, okay, self-inflicted. There's maybe once a week where I'm like, on your hand, you know? Okay. No, I don't know. Is it poop? Oh. Poop?

Yeah. Your own shit? You poop on your hand? Well, not in it, but it like every day it's on my, I'm like, how to get on your, like my thumb knuckle or whatever. It's your poop? But it's been wiping. It's not, you're not just like at Safeway.

No, I'm just saying, like sometimes it's just on your own hand. You're like, I don't know how to wipe them 44. Did you, did you? it's crazy because he looked you so deep in your eyes he was looking at me a lot right he was deep in because you seem so concerned these two could give a shit you know I'm sorry

why don't you eat I'm not surprised Hey Ian David get out of here for a second You know when you get poop on your hands These guys are bullies I just am aware of like how you Like you eat you recently It's not a great thought.

Today, you said I've eaten my entire day's meals came from 7-11. That's happened. Yes. Sometimes it is like a damn breaking when you poop. So it's going to get on your thumb knuckle. I mean, I understand that. Yeah. Yeah.

But, okay, but this is like you've just shit. It sounded, there's a flying for you before, but you got on time. You've just shit and you're seeing it. Okay, it sounded to me like you're like. I don't think he's out of the bathroom, right? Okay, right. That's what I was like, it kind of sounded like you were like hours later. No, no.

And I was like, well, that's. That is how it sounds like, I've prepared a meal for my daughter. I think he's on his third slice of pizza. Is that human shit? That's poop on my hand? It tastes like human shit. Probably not. But tell me.

I knew we should have gone to Papa Jaws. I've had poop on my hand just plenty of times. It sounded like, okay, I'm going. I didn't mean to rush. No, no, no, no. I needed to stop thinking about having poop with my hands. That was me. That was me talking to myself.

You ever rip a tooth and it goes right up the front? We got to blow up in the front I'm going to blow up in the front What do you mean I farted into my pussy That's what I mean Duh By the way

All David meant was an inflatable decoration That's what we were talking about The most literal definition Sometimes it'll sneak out from under the nuttack Yeah I bet you'll have a similar thing Actually if anything I mean you have more obstruction there

There is just like Oh yeah I don't know I got a ton of obstruction I don't know my face is The pussy is a pathway Is what I'll say Okay

Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long That has to be autobiography That's your autobiography The pussy is a highway I prefer the Dierks-Bentley version they did for cars. Dierks. I love a guy who calls him Dierks.

An alien pretending to be from the South. You're a big fan of Dierks Bentley. You work at some theater. Hey, are you Dierks? What is it? Is it Dierks? I love Dierks. Spell Dierks.

Oh, that was making me think of a draft we should do as words that you've only ever read. Oh, I like that a lot. Oh, my God. That's such a good idea. That's brilliant. We were talking about that last night. We were. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, your famous one is you thought... Minestrone was pronounced Mainstron. You have another one where you thought somebody was Korean. Jurassic Park. I just thought that was a Korean guy named Jurassic. Because, like, I don't know. Park is a Korean last name. Oh, that's so funny.

As a small Korean child, all I knew was Park is a Korean last name. You're like Procodile Dundee. And people have insane first names in this country. Oh, yeah. You also thought six flags was owned by a Korean guy. Well, I don't... Because it's an amusement park. I'm sorry.

No, I didn't. Well, yeah. Oh, okay. All right. Your honor, obstruction. Long walk. That fart came out the back. Brother, that fart came out the back.

That doesn't even make anything. You just have some, man. That fart came out of the back. Damn, that fart came out the back. Buddy, that ain't tough. I'm going to say that during the baseball game. All right, here I go. R. I peek.

Do you say RIP? RIP? RIP. Okay. I'm being really gross on this episode. I apologize, but. YouTube ain't monetizing us. Queefing.

It's not my fault. And it's almost always a compliment, but you're fucking humiliated every time. It's so embarrassing. It's so embarrassing. That's all I'll say. We don't have to talk about quiefing for a long time. But it was the first thing that I told, I was like, we're doing things that shouldn't be embarrassing.

And Carson and I said queffing at the same time. I've talked somebody off the ledge of it. On the quefe ledge? Where you're just like, no, it's totally cool. Yeah, you're all right. Yes, it's funny. It's hilarious. It is like, I get that.

Yeah. If this thing could burp, if these balls could burp. If these balls could burp. You know, the wild part is. It's a huge. It's a great compliment. When you act like it. If you don't know somebody well enough.

You got to say it. I scream and overturn the mattress and run out of the room. Is that all what you're supposed to do? We're talking about not during sex. We're talking about just like at the store? No, I'm talking during sex. I'm talking during sex. Yeah.

Oh, man. Because you're like, you know, I mean, you can't hear the sound of a loud fart. during sex and, like, nod comments. That's so ridiculous. That's such a funny context in which to hear, like, a rip happened. It was a great time to rip a toot. It is God's funniest joke. Yeah.

It's so funny that that even happens. Oh, my God. I love a good queque. It's time. They call you King Lequeef. No. My autobiography is the Great Barrier Quif, how one man conquered himself.

I like... I'm gonna make dinner. I'm gonna make quix stroganoff. Did you hear Kendrick can drink her queep it? I got braces in seventh grade because I had buck queef. You had buckqueat. Oh man. make it.

Yeah. I'm having a good time. Sean used to be a pretty rough guy, but then he felt skateboarding and turned over a new queen. I have a queen for anything called love. It's right. Time for my third pick. Yeah, it is.

Your first pick. I'm going to take tying your shoes as an adult. Yeah. Wow. Man, that's great. So true. There's no cool way to do it. There's no cool way to do it.

You can make it a little bit cooler by putting your foot up on something. You have to, yeah. But if there's nothing around to put your foot up on and you have to bend over it's like, it's a child's game. It's lying your shoes is for children. Do you ever try to speed run it to? Yeah, and then you mess up. And then you fuck up and you put your foot up on something. I have shoes that I stopped wearing because they get untied too much. Yeah, I got so

annoying. It's some of my favorite pairs of shoes. But then I've started to get like, it kind of hurts to bend down that far. I don't like it. And that's humiliating. You got to put your foot up. You got to go up. You just, I just wait till I find a park bench or something. And leave a flap in the wind. Mine stay tied. I don't, I don't ever untime.

It's the hardest thing about New York to me. Yeah. Yeah. You ever been to New York with the shoes that untied too much and you're like, this whole trip's ass now. Sometimes you've got to kick up on a wall and do that up on a wall tie. Oh, yeah. But then you only have a limited window because you're like,

you're out of air. Yeah, yeah, your body's rejecting it. And I hate, what I hate about New York is I feel like a dick standing. Yeah. Oh, totally. You can't stand. You can't stay, especially in Manhattan, you just feel like you can't stand. Yeah, keep it moving.

Yeah, it sucks. And like, I mean, obviously closely related, but looking down in your shoes untied. Oh, yeah. Just, what am I fucking 12? And it shouldn't be. It happens to all of us, except for Sean. You're like, I went to the fucking bank. So it doesn't happen to all of us.

Yeah, yeah. I catch to check. How do your shoes? I got to check for writing jokes that I cash with my shoes on tide. Money, please. Do you just double knot them? I tie them loose enough to where I can slip them on. If I'm going to skate in shoes, I tie him real tight.

But then you just, I just force him on. You also got a crazy behind the back situation. Yeah, look at that. Yeah, I see, I like that look that look cool. That's very clean. I've never done that, but I don't like the laces. Like, that looks dumb as hell, dude. I'm going to look stupid all the time.

Thank you very much. Your shoes look dumb, but I don't want to look like that. I don't want to look like a dip shit. I'd be really upset if I looked for the way you look. Yeah, I was going to say, I really really like you. You might have a couple and buy some new balance tonight. These are the Ameleon Dore. Um, Jimmy Fallon said.

Talk about a word I've never said out loud. I was going to say, I've never even read that. I've never even seen it spells. I don't even know what that is. Jimmy Fallon sent me a stock X gift card for my birthday. His assistant, I'm sure did. But still, very nice. Oh, that's lovely.

Yeah. And that's all we'll talk about it. That's all we'll say. Yeah. Did, um, you all are obviously men in, and this. This might be like a more gendered question, but I need to find. You're so obviously, man, all of you. Appreciate it.

And what are all of them? Bees, big, big. Everybody here is so clearly, man, it's crazy. I've been working on my prostate muscles. Thank you for being big man. Have you been, have you been clenching? No, but we have prostates and girls don't, right? Yeah.

Right? Yeah. I feel like I have one. Knowledge, bro. Yo, TikTok has been trying to get me to do Kegels. They're trying to sell me a machine. I don't know about that Really?

It's like a Gak, gna gna gna g that's not the right sound probably They make the mark the tax voice It's just like it's just like a dude And it's a TikTok so it's sped up So it's just guy just going Wap bach

Wachwap Machine at the gym No no no like for your house Does he have a nerds head in between his knees No no no no no it's just some dude It's got dreds What are we gonna say LP? I don't remember

Oh man David bested up No no no I love it love it. Don't worry about it. Oh, oh, oh, I need cool tennis shoes and I don't know where to start and I feel like a loser. Your hokas are pretty cool. Your hokas are doing like a new balance impression. They are. I like my Hokas are cool. No, let me see them.

They're cute. They're cute hokas. I'm wearing Birkenstocks, I can't talk. They're doing, yeah. These are cool. What kind of I'm really liking a lot of new balances that I see. But when you see Ian, it is like, different game. That's like the Upped version of your home. Yes, exactly. Same color way and everything. I'll text. I'll text use them stuff. Give me some links. I love that.

Big pants, it's time for your pick. Oh, it's me. What did you pick? I picked, tying your shoes as an adult. Getting into a hot tub with strangers. Don't. Like an hotel? So true, dude.

That's huge. You know, I'm not hot. I don't like to do it alone. I'm in my swimsuit with a towel. I'm like, I'll act like I'm just going in there just to make sure that the bubbles turn on if I want them and then I'll leave. I don't like going into a hot tub with strangers. by myself. I have to have a friend.

It's hard to be the first person not of that party getting into the hot because you're wrecking their time. You know it. It's a small space. You're all seated. Everybody's kind of facing each other. Yeah, I mean, that's humiliating. You're kind of sweating.

Yes. Yes. Yeah, that is a great picture. However. And you're like half naked and like, I'm all the way naked. Okay, well, that's my opinion. You know how you're wearing your shirt? I didn't think about this lately. I have a shirt.

I have a sweater on. That's so funny. My hot tub sweater. You're Winnie the pooing? Yeah. That's so funny. I have to put my hot tub sweater. That shit would be darling.

Yeah. What's up? Y'all? Who's getting married? He's just kidding. He's naked from the waist down. I've been thinking I want to start hot tubbing naked more. Hot Tubby naked is as dank as hell.

Do y'all do you all? Are you Korean spa people? We're about to. I love. We're about to. It's so fabulous. Like within the next couple weeks you're going. Y'all got to go.

There's one with a driving range? Yeah. Oh, amazing. There's one with a driving range, apparently? I did not know that. Yeah. Let me get that claim again. Will you ask y'all go to the Korean spa?

Y'all go to the Korean spa. I don't like Koreans. There we go. I just wanted you to hear a clan. I did it earlier. It was obscure. And I said, we just call them spas. Yeah.

It's a spa. You want to get that clean, Laura? We say it one more time. But there is a style, right? I'm ending up being the most racist one here. Do y'all ever go to the Korean spa? We just call them spas. Okay, great.

I don't like Koreans. Let's do it all in a row. But I do want to ask the question, are there Japanese spas? Because I'm going to Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Especially hot springs.

Hot springs. A lot of Koreans at the Japanese spots. We just call them springs. Hot people. There you go. We were too far for a high five. We were too far for a high five. We can't, wouldn't be a good.

that was sort of cool that was actually you guys could do that if you guys did that before like a celebrity basketball game yeah I would think that was cool okay cool

that's gonna catch on that's gonna catch on see an enemies I famously you guys just had a pot had an episode come out with her the first time I ever met Amy Silverberg

we were both butt naked at the Korean spa oh yeah and it was the most she'll be my friend for the rest of she's one of my best friends in the world I was like this is a really good way

to meet somebody you can't obfuscate anything You're like, here's my whole body. Somebody sent Amy Soberberg their boobs. Yes. Amy Silverberg said, send me pictures of your boobs. Somebody did. She's the most charming woman in America.

Yes. Of one of our fans. So if you're at... They send him to big jugs roll at Gmail. Well, because she said it on the show and then she's like, send me jugs. Someone sent her jugs. Whoever you are. That's awesome.

Good job. Yeah. Yeah. Do you actually ever gets just auxiliary jugs because it's that... Auxiliary jugs? Probably. Just someone like a 16-year-old being like... Like somebody who just was trying to send their jugs to some kind of jug recruiter?

Well, you know what I was. making my own mayonnaise in bulk, right? And I was looking for... I just made my profile on jug recruiters. I was looking for mayonnaise jugs, and I sent an email to her, and she kindly redirected me to the right place. By the way... 404 jugs not found.

You can get your car mayonnaise at WWJ. E.com. Is this the funniest episode of this podcast? I think we might be pretty dang Just remember jug recruiter Y'all Yeah

Are you having trouble hiring Have your business On jug recruiters Is your workplace Flat as L L? Blow up the front With the front with jug recruiters

Blow up the front with Jug recruiters Now we're getting into I can't go I can't watch that I swore a sacred vow Oh That's a no fear shirt

Oh man Sean your second pick Buying condoms Oh yeah 100% God it's lame Haven't done it as many times I'm probably

You're completely honest Agreed I think pretty much just did it The only times I've bought condoms I think I didn't use them Sean, your picks are kind of telling a story so far Yeah They're my two favorite picks

I met a straight in a hot tub Bought some dong bags Let's see where the night takes us Is this more locker room talk That I don't know About a couple dick sex No that's at a sweater beat Frequency for a choice

Throwing A dong bag A sucker sweater, okay I'm sorry What's up, brother? Let me get a box of red dong bags. Red. Red.

Hopefully she doesn't fart in her pussy. You're buying them based on color. Red. Red is the craziest color for you to sit. I think he's thinking of a directs, right? Can you picture that box? I can picture that box. No, but when the condom itself is red, that's awful.

Well, no, I'm at the box. Oh, you did? Oh, okay, okay. No. Oh, I thought you thought you thought. I didn't mean red. No. Let me get some direct reds.

It tastes like cinnamon Let me get some new pork He wants him to taste like cinnamon Oh I just I open it God loses its flavor Okay

No no the gluten freeze You can re-chew condoms You can't re-chew gum Gung Nong Yeah Yeah Fuck

Yeah it's never been a pleasant experience. No one's ever cared. I'm the one that cares. Of course no one cares. Or like you'll try to sandwich them in like a whole grocery order but then that's like all the person looks at. You also, have you ever found this about condoms the few times I have bought condoms. You never buy enough. Like I never

just buy the 12. Well it was the three pack. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like 7-11, you know. Yeah. But now I feel like, okay, yeah. First of all, raise your voice. Have you ever? Oh, I'm Mark Cuban. I'm going to get a box as well. Have you ever postmates? Have you ever postmates? Condoms before.

That was awkward. That's humiliated. Only that. That's kind of awesome. Well, it didn't feel awesome. What time was it? It was late. But also, this was back when there wasn't that like contactless delivery.

Like before pandemic? Yeah. You post-mated condoms before pandemic? Full contact post-made condoms. Red directs. And the word, I made her go get them. Hard burn. That was hard.

What do you? I was hard. You stayed hard the whole time? How fast did this bus space forever? It was pretty quick. Okay. I've never... Everything was pretty quick. No way.

Everything was pretty quick. That was crazy. It's one of the fastest nights of my life, honestly. Did they make menthol? At no point when you told that story in my head did you think I would think you were hard the whole time? Sacramento led you. Laura, put us on fastest hot. I get it.

I'm just crying. It's a dirty one. Oh, it is filthy. It's 100% my fault. Time for my second pick. Unless you had more to say about buying it. No, yes. Fallman said, brother.

Left the field. I don't feel good. Okay. I'm going to take saying menu item, saying specific menu items at restaurants. Oh, yes. Like how they're supposed to be. How they're supposed to be. Like ordering a moons over my hammy for example, or that kind of thing.

Oh, I thought you made foreign language stuff. No. Oh, that too. Yeah, like a comedy club, a comedy club drink. Let me get the, let me get the clucky fucky-fucky margaria or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you're like, clucky, fucky-fucky does it. It's cooler than what they use.

You know what I mean, though. Cafe gratitude where you're like, can I get the I am thankful? So I've only ever heard tell of this place. That's a real thing. It's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you've been ordered the I am like present. Have you ever played a club where they made a special drink for you?

Yes. Yeah. But it, like, sucks. Yeah. Nothing. It was like an apple tini or some shit And you're like, what the fuck? You let me?

There's a show in Portland. Shout out preach, Robbie Sherman, but they make specific drinks for everyone on the show and make like their own separate flyers every week. Oh, that's pretty cool. That's very cool. And they try to dig into your habits. So mine's usually a whiskey drink.

Yeah, I, uh, I, what festival was that? Oh, uh. Oh, your boy, the Rip City Comedy Fest. No. Were you not up there? Yeah. No. That was the meanest thing you've ever done to me.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I brought my sunglasses on. I turned into it. a cunt. John of Kennedy just died. No, well, I was trying to, I was like thinking. That wasn't really rude. A festival, I'm sorry, that's so annoying.

I can't remember the one. But they made one, and it was like a good gin drink. And I was like, you did your homework. That's what I like. Yeah, but it's awful. Just be anything. Like whether it's like, I'm going to over pronounce this Chinese food dish. Oh, yeah.

Or even just like Italian. Or under pronounce it. Or under pronounce it. You're like, I'll have the fetusine, Alfred. There's an Italian restaurant run by like an Italian guy runs it and there's a couple Italian people who work there and I always feel so awful. It's by my house ordering like Italian dishes because I know I'm just like what's the right thing to do?

Do I Americanize it? Yeah. Can I try to say it your way? You know where that happened to me? Yeah. The other day was this is weird. At Italy. Oh, interesting.

There was a bunch of Italians in Italy. Oh, do they fuck with Italy like that? That day. I think they had more a lot of sense. Century City. Damn. Edelie's pretty good. I've never been to an Italy, but I've heard great things.

It's fun. It's good. It's called it. Italy? Yeah. It's like an Italian chain. There's an Italy in the park MGM in Vegas, which is a nice little swing through. There's one of the Century City Mall?

Yeah. Good mall. It's fun. I love that mall too. I was like that for the first time recently. Oh, it's so fun. I haven't thinking about this, about trying to pronounce a dish or a city or whatever the way that the people from there would pronounce it. Like Abitha or something.

You don't, I say Abiza. It's not offensive. Is it? To say a visa? Well, because, like, if you're talking to somebody who... Well, but, like, is there any Spaniards in here? Like, if somebody was coming, they were talking about, I don't know, Fargo or something. They would say it in their accent.

They wouldn't stop their accent and be like, and then I went to Fargo. Oh, yeah, you know what I mean? The British Pess was talking about going to Falgam. Yes. Yeah, they would be like, so I went to Fargo. Right. So for us to do the same thing feels weird to me. Yeah, I agree.

Just say it with your, even though our accent feels dumb because it's our accent, but to me it makes sense. But there's between accents and like pronunciation, right? Yeah, sure. But I think you're right. It's a fine line. It depends on the city too. Some cities lend themselves to like

accents more than others. To hamming it up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right, I don't, I would never take offense. Like, it makes a ton of sense that you would just say it in the voice that you have. Like, I'm going to get a crape. I'm not going to go get a ch.

Okay, I'm going to get a ch'h. They don't give you the good one unless you say chep. But Toronto Torontonians Toronto Toronto Toronto Toronto But like they want you to say Toronto

Toronto Toronto I say the six When I'm up there Yeah They don't like that They don't like that They don't like that They hate it

No they don't like it at all What do they do with their woes I'm sorry Where do they run? No no That was good My computer's gonna die What are you running through

With your woes My computer's gonna die Where do we have a Yeah I can You're gonna have to keep track of the picks, bro. I'm already doing it. Running through the picks with my,

with not the host. Not the host. Yeah, that was bad. I like that one. No keep it. I can't believe Sean said that. That wasn't me. That wasn't me.

Something got cut. All right. Oh, man. Texted him to myself. Laura Pig, time for your prick. Okay. For my second, I'm going to go. Yeah.

Um, walking back after bowling. Ha ha ha. Whoa. Yes. That, with a little shrug. I have maintained. Good or bad.

Doesn't matter what happened. Humiliating. You never know what to do either. Yeah. You get a strike and you got to do some dumb thing or you're going to act like it's no big deal. Which sucks too. It's a big deal. I just got a strike, brother.

Yes, too. I want you to know I'm stoked. I feel like so many times you turn around and like apologize for the shot. You just. I don't know what happened. It's like, what happened is I fucking suck at bowling. Like most people in the world. I get furious when I bowl.

Oh, it's very maddening. We were in Cleveland. You were getting pissed. That was crazy. We had to stay longer. Because you were trying to bowl. You're a bowling protectionist. Are you good at it?

No. Not that night. I can spin it though. Oh, the spin matters. It's all style for me. I honestly, if I hit some pins, it's fine. But it's got to look cool getting there. That's hilarious.

A lot of Robert Perishes, a lot of gutter bowl You carried yourself with the air of a man who could once throw a hundred and could now barely crack 90s. Yeah. Oh, no, I mean like miles per hour. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, like a pitcher, like a pitcher. I used to be decent at bowling. I've been doing a billion perfect game.

I'm one of the best boys, guys. I had a bad game tonight. I'm going to have to a little staycation. I'm going to get a hotel, not a big deal. Can't be around the kid. You were hot. You were getting hot. It's easy to get pissed off on something that seems easy.

I am not acquainted. to anger a person that's, it humiliates me to such an extreme degree that I do get mad. And I'm in slippery shoes. Pink pong makes me feel that way sometimes. Oh, well, I'll tell you this, though. Pink pong will piss me off. I'm fucking incredible.

Really? I'm like, okay. My wife is really good at it. I'm very good. Which is a rough person to have to be good at it. Because I get smoked every time when she talks shit. All right, this is awesome. You both like a pack of cools.

Maybe wives are good at. I asked to learn. A lot of Jewish people play ping pong. To be fair, David said that a couple hours ago, too. David said that I've never seen someone actually talk out of the corner of their mouth before. It was like this side was paralyzed.

Right? I'll do. I think a lot of Asian people play playing well. That's just true. You don't even have to be quiet about that. Can I put the mic stock back on? I think a lot of Asian people play people. I think that's just true.

A lot of something got cut. Something got cut, cut, cut, cut. You know, you know. He's getting cut on the pizza soap. You guys want to hear it all. You pay $10,000 for that in-studio pay to our membership. That's what Zach pays for. That's why I'm here.

I haven't noticed the Jewish thing, but I bet that's true. I always thought it was because, like, a lot of Jewish people go to summer camp. I bet that's right. They do. I know we play a lot of large-scale tennis, like they're the big kind. Oh, like tennis. Yeah, yeah. I do.

Oh, tennis. No, really big tennis. Big. Huge. Take what you're thinking and jubbley. The bottles of the American people and the tennis players are entertainment and politics.

Is the weather machine the referee? I'm going to get out of here, guys. It's good having you. I can't stop thinking about really big tennis, though. Like where the ball's that size? That would be pretty fun. That would be fun. Big tennis?

Yeah, that's fun. Isn't pickleball kind of bigger tennis? Smaller tennis. Smaller tennis. Smaller tennis. Smaller court. I just, sorry, I just blacked down. I know, I was like, I know he had a chance

when I'm sitting there, but he's never looked at me like that. Smaller everything. Smaller everything. I thought the ball. I thought the pickleball was bigger than the tennis wall. No. Bigger grunts probably. That was pickle ball.

I've never played. I submitted a, I was thinking about this the other day, in an S&L packet. Didn't get the job. I, uh, I submitted a, a, uh, a sketch of, uh, challengers, but it was pickleball. That's funny. And it was so, I thought it was so funny. It was like, she's, I've never seen anyone dink like that. That's great.

God, she's so sexy. With the intense soundtrack. Yeah, dude. Yes, the Trent Rezner. The music in that movie did stress me the fuck out. I've been running to that music because you feel like you're running from something. Yeah, I like that. I recently took up running again.

Maybe I'll do it to the Challenger's soundtrack. Nice. Are you lying? I've been wanting to say that. all day. You say, are you lying? It doesn't look like you've been running.

Oh, no, just the waste. I've been... After an ice cream truck? I've been wanting to talk about it all day. No one's mentioned it yet. Did you look like you've been running? No, that I run. No one's mentioned running.

This is my end. Thank God we got to challengers. Have you been running again? I have been running again. Doesn't it feel great? Yeah. No. Kind of.

It's hard. It's very hard. I only, I've been doing like a mile and a half. Fabulous. Been right? I want to do a 5K. That's the next step. You know, if you would like to do one here, we could keep each other accountable because I'm

training for one right now. When is it? I don't know. They happen all the time. You guys care? Huh? Do you know that couch to 5K app? Yes, I've never used that, but it's very popular.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife uses it and she says it's good because it like it gets you. up to that 5K when it's like run for five minutes and then walk for one It's not like Five K is only three miles

It's not crazy It's I did one last year It was it was easy peasy I like that thing Where it sounds bigger But it's smaller You know what I mean Like I'm running a 20K

And then it's like It's like two and a half miles Or whatever It's 15 centimeters Yeah I'm running 15 centimeters I'm doing a 15 thousand this week I'm doing a 15,000 this week

Inches Yeah How many feet is that You should judge it by inches That would be so great. That's still probably a lot of feet. We get a t-shirts made. I'm doing the Outwater Village 15,000.

It's like a half a mile. Yeah, something. It's something. It's definitely something. I don't know the math. David's pick probably. My pick? Yeah, I think so.

I don't know. My computer died. Can I just do that? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, when you walk in on somebody using the bathroom. Oh, my God. Their fault.

Their fault. Their exposure. Yeah. Totally true. Why am I fucking. Lock the door. People look at you like your crate. Lock the door.

Make sure it's locked. Yes. If I'm going to poop in a public place, let me go. If I'm going to poop in a public place. Let me fucking do this. I need to do this. I'll set, I do this at a coffee shop on Woodstock.

I set the garbage can in front of the door just to make sure it's lot. You barricade yourself? It's a real easy to move garbage can. Yeah, but I'll lock it and then just in case. I'll put it there. So there's a big claim. Just in case. Just in case what?

It's one of those pushloth. Somebody kicks the lock. It's not a dead. it's a pushlock in case the Punisher thinks there's a bad guy in there

I go shit in case that's part of hell week for a Navy SEALs training elephant walk can go in on so much anybody's mad

get the fuck out of there a garbage candle stop no you're right though it isn't coming upon you to determine the order of the draft

I was like I was like why do I know that yeah no no just make sure it's locked got him I went three full episodes

I wore a camouflage hat too I didn't think you could see it I took me two episodes I had no idea right now I gotta wear it backwards bro Don't do that for your face Really fucks You know like when you're taking a shit bro

Gotta get your eyebrows in there I've never been embarrassed I don't get embarrassed I'm always hard Oh man I was just a same Sometimes you don't realize how much people need eyebrows

Oh, yeah. And then you were like every... Hey, David, what's up? You want to get some chicken wings? That is so fun. You look like the guy from the song. That animal from the first one. Which one?

What's that kangaroo that looks surprised? The quokka? You look like a quokka. All right. You look like you got a cloaca, bro. Looks like you fuck where you shit. If you listen to all fantasy, everything, I'm coming over. And I'm going to play it.

Oh, man. Yeah, walking in it on someone else who's in the bathroom is a rough. It's a rough beat. Yeah. And they're always bummed out too. They turtle up. Yeah. And, like, I've had somebody, if that ever happens to me, somebody comes in on me, I'm

immediately like, hey, I'm so sorry. And I don't like it when people don't do that. This is not my problem. I got a bit about that. Trying to walk into a goddamn bathroom. Yes, dude. There was a bar in Sioux Falls where there was a toilet and a urine. and I did this a handful of times

but I would just go sit on the toilet acting like I was pooping and leave the other door unlocked so guys would come in and they'd be like you can pee I would just sit there to mess with people you would stand on the toilet no I'd sit on the toilet like I was pooping I think you said stand oh I meant sit

oh sorry that would have been a lot I was like why am I getting nothing on this I was like I was like you're standing on it and you're having them piss in between your leg You guys don't stand on the toilet when you poop? How do you get your poop out? Stand on it. You got to get up there.

Then you have somebody shoot you with a potato gun in the stomach. That's where the thing is standing on business comes from, right? I'm standing on business. Then I have my buddy. Dim mock me like this. I get King Alex in there to poop touch me. You stand there with your arms in the air and you have someone throw a medicine bottle at your stomach and that makes the poop come out. Oh, man.

How do you guys do it? You push? David, time for your next pick. Not always. Oh, when you get caught looking at somebody. Yeah, that's awful. Like you're just too long and then they're like, because sometimes there's, I feel like there's an agreed upon length where it's okay.

Yep. And then when you go past that, that, it's like it hurts. That social contract. And it's not just length, it's a number of times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in New York recently train eye contact, not, but it was like we just kept looking at each other at these. I was like, I'm not, I'm actually not staring at you. Yeah.

It just keeps happening. Then you wonder, are they thinking that? Because they've done it to me too. They're for sure thinking that. Aren't you thinking that when it happens? Yeah, but that's why I always think I'm less than. Why is this fucking guy staring at me? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think they're more confident than I am. So they're, like, thinking about fucking me up or something. I think they're better than me and their hog is bigger. That's what I always think with everybody all the time. Some people are just fun to look at. Totally. Some people are good looking. Some people are good looking.

Yeah. No, no. I mean, if I could get away with it, I would look at people more. I think I've told the story before, but I creeped out Dave Franco at an airport because I was trying to figure out, do I know this guy from like playing basketball or something? Right. And every time I looked, he then looked and then he put up on his luggage, the handle and then put a coat there right as Allison Bree sat down. Because I creeped, I creeped him out because I just kept looking out. I'm like, I know this guy from somewhere.

And it clicked. And it clicked. You were eating like a really slimy, like, cold pork sandwich. I'm a sloppy toppy. You were even robbed, but you were sucking in one noodle the entire time, right? Huge meatballs up. Huge. And then we were sitting across from each other on the plane.

Oh, that was great. Oh, hilarious. I was imagining you guys facing each other like a terrain. I was like, that's brutal. Well, no, that was at the gate. Oh, okay, okay. And then we got on the plane next to each other. Oh, that's so brutal.

You just chewing your pullport. You Dave Franco? Super far away. Hey. Chewing your pool. Frank, that Allison? Oh, that's Allison, you're Dave. Never mind.

What's Michael Sarah like? They know each other, right? They know each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's that universe. Yeah. Some people are just like, not even in a creepy way, but I'm just like, man, you are fun to look at.

You're like, sometimes they're hot. Sometimes they're just like, that's a, you're an interesting looking for us. One of my favorite things to do is looking for people. If you, you see Shelley Duval. In the wild, you're not going to, like, just want to keep looking. You're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Or you see Willem Defoe?

Or Willem DeFoe? He's not proportioned like you think. Dean Coons? Dean Coons? Dean Freaking Cootts? How are you going to not look at Dean Coonson's 90 times? Ken Burns. Well, I would think that I was the only person who was seeing him.

Yeah, that's the word. Coonsie man. Coons me, see it. My sleep paralysis, Coons. Can I go, can I go pee? We can all pee. I got to pee. You know what?

I'll take another breath. I got to pee. We'll be right back with more. fun with more fun. We'll be back with more fun. We'll be right back with more of your favorite podcast. All Fantasy Everything. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Draft King's Pick Six,

turkey touchdowns, and takes. It is Thanksgiving, and the action doesn't stop at the dinner table. You feast on some winnings this holiday season with Pick Six, Draft King's newest fantasy Pickham game. Everybody knows you want to have football on during Thanksgiving. It's the big day. Obviously, you

want to have it on, be watching it, sit there with a full belly, and enjoying yourself watching the game. And with Pick Six, you just pick more or less on two or more player stats. And it's that simple. It's so simple that somebody like me can do it. Then you don't have to bet the farming. You just have fun. Pick something that you're going to enjoy and make you invest in the game a little bit. Pick Six brings you the upside that like the other sites just can't touch. They're off in the distance. They don't know what's going on. You know, the better you perform, the bigger. The payout is the more money you're going to get. The more cheese you're going to bring home. You know what I'm saying. It's available most states, including Texas, California, Georgia, and more.

Download the Draft Kings pick six app now and use the code AFE. That's code AFE. New Draft King's customers can play just $5 and get $50 in pick six credits. Make the call, ride the upside in partnership with draft Kings pick six. The crown is yours. Gambling problem, call 1-800-Gambler. Help is available for problem gambling. Call 888-78-97777 or visit C-CP. PG.org in Connecticut must be 18 plus agent eligibility restrictions may vary by jurisdiction. Pick six not available everywhere, including New York, Ontario, void where prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded is non-withdrawable pick-six bonus picks that expire in 14 days.

Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftings.com slash promos. This episode of All Fantasy. Everything is brought to you by Uncommon Goods. The countdown is on. Christmas is coming up. It's officially here. You've got to get shopping.

Uncommon Goods. Essentially, they're going to take the stress out of all of that shopping and all that stress that comes with trying to find unique gifts for people because they have thousands of unique high quality finds. You're not going to see anywhere else. All you got to do is go poke around on the website. You'll see exactly what I'm talking about. They look for products that are high quality. They're things that you're not just going to see in the store. They're like unique, kind of making every gift meaningful. So when I was on there, I went and poked around on the site and I found a little tent for young Maxine.

She doesn't listen to podcasts. She ain't going to, this ain't going to wreck it for her. But I found this little tent. It's like a little mushroom tent, and it's fantastic. I fell in love with it immediately. And then today, this morning, before taking her to preschool, she goes, I want a little tent for Christmas. I'm like, brother, I already got you a little tent.

She just doesn't know that. But thank you to Uncommon Goods. I found it. And then I found some magnet tiles that light up, which she's going to absolutely go nuts for. But I haven't seen really either one of those when I'm just poking around in your average store. So that's why it's fun.

You go onto the website, and they seriously have something for everyone. They have so many tabs for parents, teenagers, anniversary, any gift and person you want to get that gift for, they have a tab for it, and then so many options. Just scrolling for days.

And it's fun. It's just like shopping, but you're chilling while you're doing it. They make the handcrafted products and small batches. So shop now before they sell everything that you want. They're supporting small businesses. they want to give back. That's another thing. With every purchase you make it on Common Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3.1 million

to date. So get on there, handle some holiday shopping at Uncommon Goods. Do not wait. Cross those names off your list before the rush to get 15% off your next gift. Go to Uncommonogoods.com slash all fantasy for 15% off. Uncommon Goods, we're all out of the ordinary. then we're back Welcome back to all of here and say everything already in progress Whose turn is it? I think it's one

I don't know Is that right? Lori just did two Yeah I just did two Okay hear me out on this one And this is a lonely one A lonely embarrassment Okay

Waking up from a nap ever Ever That's a really good one That's a really good one I wake up I'm humiliated I'm sweating I want to eat a huge plate of pot Why do you want carbs and sugar?

I don't feel that way after sleeping for a full night. But I wake up and I'm ready to eat my own fucking leg every time. It's always like abrupt too. Like waking up from a nap is always like, you don't just like, you're never like, hearts beating all fast. My heart's racing. I'm sweat. I have like really bad sleep sweat when I nap.

You're so hot. Oh God. It's terrible. I always think I missed something that I shouldn't have missed way later than it is. Suns up when you go to sleep. sun's down when you wake up I'm gonna kill myself you're like well when am I so I'm not going to bed tonight

I was bed that I just did I always go I should work out That's so funny I should hit the gym probably Earned it I get up I try to act like I wasn't just taking a nap Like I just got all my facilities faculties if you will Yes yes not true at all

You're not the same man you were three hours ago That's a great pig Should I have not eaten an apple No it's funny it's You do whatever you want, man. Awesome. Hell, yeah. Thank you.

What else? Ian, it's your pick. Eat it quiet. What else? What else are you about? What did you wait? Yawning him. My quiet apple, but.

Do it? Like they do with dogs on TikTok. Do it gentle? Gentle. Scratch in your dogs, belly. I love that this is an audio media. I hope nobody ever watches this. I can't explain this one.

Okay, here we go. Oh, what do it? Oh, what do it? Oh. Oh. Oh. Trying a new hat. Like style.

It's style. I don't want people to know I'm serious when I'm in the store. I want them to think I'm doing a bit. You're really like, they'd that be crazy if I did that. How much is this? How dumb do I like? I did that. I have a perfect example because I did that just the other day.

Yeah. And then I had to walk it back like it was a joke. Ah, Fodora. Yeah. Fadori. Even the fact that I'm like standing like that Yeah. Was all to mask that.

You're really embarrassed. That I really was trying to dry it off. Yeah, you're like, let me actually see what this looks like. Oh, you guys want to see? Can you text it to me? It's so funny. Don't let him have, don't let other people have that on their phone. Yeah, everybody's going to get pregnant.

Look at the way he's looking at me. That hiding behind the man. mannequin. Yeah, the whole thing. I'm kidding around, right, guys? I even posed it to my story because I wanted people think it was funny, but I just did like the Jason Moraz song. Yeah.

But really, I wanted to wear it. You're hoping people are like, yo, that actually wrote. Did anybody hit you with that? Fuck no. All I needed was one DM to be like, actually you're kind of pulling it off. I should have sent it. Oh, man. And then I even tried to cut it.

That's why I did this. Then I zoomed in because I was like, oh, okay. now it's like, that's like a joke. Totally a bit. That's definitely a bit. This hat is way too cool. I need to cut it. You need to cut it.

But it's humiliation and it shouldn't be. Yeah, put that in. Put that in when they put that in the YouTube. They're out there for a reason. And I'll say this. I really want to. You are really good at this. I think you probably are too.

I can't wear anything but a baseball cat. Anything that, like, what do you call that? Where it, like, comes out like this? Like, it's, like, got like a... What do we talk? Oh, the boxy, like a raised? A little boxy thing. Oh, yeah, I appreciate that you think that.

No, I only wear baseball hats. Do you really? A hundred percent. I just, I put one of those on a, like, goofy as hell. I can't even... I can't even rock and like... I can't even rock a full day with a bucket hat. Like a trucker hat?

Oh, like, I start to feel stupid after a couple of hours. Yes, more like a structured in the front. Oh, you mean not like a dad. Like, you're talking about dad hat. Okay, so some of these work okay. That would not work on me. A hat with a crown. Yeah.

Yes. But now we're talking about, we're talking about... These are more backwards hats for me. This is literally inside baseball, though, for hats. Yeah, that's true. Inside baseball hat. We're still in the same kingdom, but he's talking like... A different phyla.

Every level of it, but it could be, I mean, it's from Fez to different kinds of baseball hats to even just different colors of baseball hats. I want to wear hats that make it look like I'm in better. Congress with nature than I am. Wow. Huge. I struggle with my beanie game. Yes. I, do you, do you often feel like?

Wherever this is going, it's going to be funny. Do you often feel like sometimes when I, my, okay, this will connect to hats, I promise. But my baseline living life is like not really taking care of myself. Nobody taught me how to take care of myself. I have sort of bad habits just generally. I drink too much. I smoke too much. I don't eat well, whatever.

Do you ever feel like when, I brush my teeth outside naked outside of my teeth I brush my teeth on the outside while I fuck a male man I mean it's crazy You have a rivalry

with a local band of coyotes They let me nurse I'm a sick freak Shit it's the Dodgers You call them the Dodgers My coyote voice I'm a big doggers man Oh you mean the baseball's name

I hate those motherfuckers I hate those motherfuckers like, my coyotes rule the game. My yodies is what I'm talking. But when you do, I've had to, moving to L.A., help me with this. I've had to learn to improve my habits a lot. My husband's a lot healthier than me. He's helped me become a more healthy person.

But sometimes when I do take care of myself, but, you know, do a full skin care routine before I go to sleep, drink a lot of water, go for a run, go for a hike. I feel like I'm doing an impression of a person who does that. Do you know what I mean? It does not feel authentic to me. at all. It takes so long for it to stick. Exactly. I feel like I am doing a half-assed impression of a woman who knows how to live her life. Do you ever do that thing where you're like, oh, you think you're like a guy who does this now? Yes, hilarious.

Okay, you wear hats. You wear hats. Like you weren't in the trash like a raccoon 20 minutes ago. It's turning it to, it's like, it's more than turning a ship around. It's like turning a train around. It's like you've got to build a new track, you know, for that to hit. But you have to learn because you want to stay alive. That's a very important part of being live. But yeah, I feel that way with, like, I'll try on a hat and be like, you could be, I'll be like, I'll be like, I'll be like, I'm going to wear dresses on stage. Yeah. And then you see one photo and you're like, who the fuck?

This dress ass bitch. This is crazy. This just happened to me. I switched underwear brands recently. Huge. Can't handle it. I'm like, who the fuck is this? Yeah.

What brand do you go to? Lime green? There's lime green on this? On which part? Are you rich? Taint. A little mold I read on this. Only the fun part.

It's not underwear as much as it's a taint patch. It's like a breathe right strip of it. It's leather. Like a, like a perpetuer's pocket. It actually stops me from snoring. It's a seat back. They're bordered underwear with a leather bat. This is Citi's nuts, pap.

I'd stop those blogs from happening. Yeah, I was going to rip right through the back of you every time. Let me put my fart catcher on before we go to the ball But yeah, it's just, it's not even anybody sees it But to me, I just feel crazy Yeah, yeah, yeah, who the hell do you think you are? And it isn't, I didn't level up, I just went to Fruit of the Loom Yeah, because they sell six-packed

And they just roll out whatever their colors are, yeah, you'll get, yeah You can't pick because for a long time it was like the same exact colors I think they're relying on you Not thinking you can pull off the lime green And they're basically selling you a pair of underwear you can't wear Yeah And then, you know what I mean? So then it's like, oh, I got to wear it

Some more. Yeah. Yeah. I got to buy more because I don't want to wear the lime green ones, but I can't buy it without the lime green. Yeah. I got to get the seafone. It's the fucking yellow starburst.

They used that primary color packs. I don't know what happened to that. Yeah. It's too dark a times for that. You know what I mean? They're like, we need it's woke. It's woke. It's DEI.

Whoa. I wear wool underwear, and that only comes in one color, natural wool. I see it. It's actually, it's actually sheared from my back. It's sheared from my back. It's a closed loop system. I have to grow some new underwear before I can go. Maybe I'm growing these straws out.

I'm weaving into my pubic hair. I need to do laundry. I need to do laundry. You just get a haircut. You're like, how do you make these into underwear? It's always fascinated me. So. How do you guys even do that?

If everyone here had to try a new hat, what hat does your heart secretly want that you're afraid to get? I think I showed you a picture. Yours is a fedora. I want to wear a hat. hat that, like, white music producers would wear in Congress with a vest in 2008. Yeah. Sick. Yeah.

Very specific. Yes, I do. Very good. Mine is that kind of cowboy hat, that, like, L.A. hipster cowboy hat that you see sometimes. Like an actual cowboy hat or, like, the super big brim. It's like the, I don't want that big of a brim, like, smaller, but it's like, it's not like a Texas cowboy hat. Like, like, it's more fitted. It's, right?

Yeah, it's a little more roughed-up. Yeah, yeah. It's like if you were in like an alt-country band, like somebody might wear it. I would like to rock a Stetson. I'd like to rock a cowboy hat well, but here's the thing. I kind of can.

Yeah, definitely can. Of course you can. You know what? It doesn't match my vibe at all, but if you looked genuinely cool in like a Stevie Nix floy hat, oh yeah. If there's like five people on the planet

that look generally good in those and every white woman on planet. Three of them sing regga tone. Yeah. That's Johnny Mitchell. Chad Hanks. I want to wear one of those big dreadlock hats. That feels like 12 years ago.

That was 18 hours ago. We've slept twice. We've always been doing this podcast. What were yours being? The floppy newsboy hat that Christian, like the Newsies hat. I'm sorry for laughing. I like those. That seems like a very real transition you could.

That feels like you and Laura at date night or something. Yeah, you just got to wait. You could wear. I want a floppy one though. I don't want like a Mumford and sons. one. Yeah, like from news. He's like kind of a floppy bill one. Like, oh, like Robert Redford in the Sting.

I've never seen the Sting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But probably. I'm going to not tell you you should watch it because I want you to actually watch. I know, I'm not going to watch Braveheart. And I feel like you're bristling against our recommendation. You guys have never seen Braveheart. That's actually I've been meaning to watch Braveheart for about 34 years. I was going to say you. Watch it tonight after the store. Okay, yeah, that's nice. I'm going to be drunk. Dog, you know what I've been doing lately?

I got called out on it the other night Alano was like you know like the last she was like 10 times this last year you've just got home you've come home drunk and put on Father of the Bride Great movie That's the most healthy masculinity I've ever heard

It is a good movie But it feels like the weirdest like what You didn't put on the new one you put on the old one Steve wants No the new one Oh Interesting I don't know what to think of that

Well get the gun away from your temple stop, David, David, David, David, David. I'm going to watch Father of the Bride, I'm sorry to God, I'm going to do it. I'm going to get blackout and drop. Do we have any Brad stickers left? Hey, get up. There's something happening downstairs. It's just you.

Father of the bride's buffering, so. I came here to do the new things. Watch Father of the Bride and fuck. I'm all out of father. Fuck. Is that what you said? Did you say fuck? God, that'd be nuts.

I've made one of my all-time favorite Christmas movies. It's shit. We all know it's shit, but the holiday. I love that movie. I love that movie. Good. It's so comforting. It's not shit.

I love that movie. I can't be thinking of the right movie. Jack Black, Jude Law, Cameron Diaz, Kay Winsley. Candice. I was thinking about when Queen Latifah had cancer. No, that's the other holiday. That's the name. Last holiday?

Last holiday. The movie's called Winfiel's Defad Cancer. This is the holiday. And I got really drunk and put it on for Carson. And I was like, you're not watching. And he goes, you've made me watch this movie seven times. He's like, I could quote this back to you. You're not watching the holiday.

Let's make it eight. Because they're never going to like it like you like it. No, I've tried a tombstone so many times. And now I'm just like playing plane trains and automobiles out of order. I love places. Wait, watch this thing. No, we'll just, we'll start with the end. And then I'll build a case backwards.

Just so you know how good it is. Let me build my case. Have you seen the, have you all watched the John Candy documentary yet? No, no, no, yeah. It was tough. I can't, I can't do it. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I think I will fall apart.

Yeah, because you fall in love with him within minute three. I'm already so in love. He's the best guy. He's the best guy. He's the best fucking guy. My wife likes me. That movie. I'm the genuine article.

It's the best monologue I've ever heard about. That movie and all the other parts. That part in that movie, now I'm just doing what I do when I'm drunk. That part in that movie, though, where he's like, what's wrong with me or whatever? And he's like, you play with your balls a lot. I do not play with my balls a lot. I love the way he says. And he goes, you know what make me happy?

Another set of balls and an extra set of hair fingers. Man. What does he say? Is he play like Larry Bird? Yeah. Oh, it's the best movie of the one. It is funny when people play with their balls so much. Embarrassing thing that should be embarrassing.

It should be embarrassing. You can't be doing that. Is you a pick? Is it me? Yes. When I get a little colder than I thought I was going to be outside. Like I dress for a certain level of being cold and I'm like, it's t-shirt weather. And then it's at least at the bare minimum long-sleeve t-shirt weather.

And I got to act like I'm not cold. Yes. But you are, you will get miserable so quick. It'll wreck the whole outside experience. No, being cold is trash. Yeah. I don't mind it. You like being cold.

I like being cold. I like being chilly, but I don't like being cold. I like being too cold either. I think like most women, my hands and feet are at sub-zero temperatures at all times. So I run a little, our body temperatures are colder. But I'm also sitting here sweating my balls off, so I don't know what I'd prefer. But that is the thing. We're working out.

We are fucking eggs. I'm getting joced about seven beers. But you're right, and it's embarrassing. I have one of our best friends in Nashville. So I think about this every day. But he goes, he got really pissed off one time when it started raining and he got all wet. And I was like, why are you so mad? And he's like, it makes me feel like a fucking idiot.

It is adjacent to that where someone will be like, you want a coat or a sweatshirt. And I'm like, no, I won't take someone else's coat or sweatshirt. That's interesting. Or whatever. Because I'm just like, no, I don't need it. It's like, do you have to pee before we get in the car? the amount of times I've had to tell that to Max where it's like

if you just there's nothing weird just go pee Do you ever have to be like I'm gonna pee too All the time Oh really it helps her Yep

I'd say I'm gonna race to the bathroom And then she'll go pee That would work on me And then I don't I'm talking about Because I didn't need to You're there on I'm on Instagram She has no idea

So getting a little colder I'm staying on the toilet I'm staying on business Dair you to piss dare you to piss fourth one when there's one you still question

I'm gonna point with you with my pinky while you do it when there's one last piece of food in a shared food situation and I

I take it you should be you should be a bear no you've got to get took somebody's got to eat that somebody's got to eat

it did you hold a Congress at the table you guys have been with me you've seen me so many times where do you want this and I want it

It's like the one chicken nugget at a fucking sushi buffet with your dickets. And I'm like, yeah, I do. If it's a buffet, there's more nuggets. Do you ever throw it up hoping somebody isn't going to and they take it? And then you're like, I'm so stupid. It really happens with pizza where it's like the last piece and you're like, I'll let it sit for 10 minutes. And then someone snags it. And you're like, no one would have noticed.

Nobody cared that Jason did it. Yeah. Now he's eating pizza and I'm cold. Fuck Jason. I'm wet. I'm cold. Wet, cold. Jackets are stupid.

Jackets are stupid. Toilet can't hold me up to stand on it. I can't even shit until I get home to my reinforced I-beam toilet. Screwed directly into the stud. Sealing toilet so I can stand on it. It's a load-bearing toilet. Oh, you're not going to want to poop on that. That's a low-bearing toilet.

You've got to beat off in that one. That's my beat-off toilet. I think as long as you've got to ask, though, right? Yeah, you don't just take it. You have to ask. But even if, you know, somebody puts it up for grabs, over to me. You don't want the last pete of, what would I want? Like a big piece of fried steak, like a steak bite.

And I'll say, no. Why are you talking like an alien? One to eat. Big steak fry bite. Much sauce. Forever yum. A1, A001, A0, A1, A0. I will turn this into 15,000 steps.

Chew to have enjoyment, swallowing. And then later more. She was to have enjoyed swallowing. Yeah, so that. So that is that for sure. Do you even like steak? Yeah, well, I'm talking chisling. I was just trying to,

you're like the last Buffalo wing or something. You are a very picky eater. So in a group setting, like, yeah, if there's something you want, and it's like one of the few things you eat because we often will go out and like order for the table and then there's like two.

And then you get a baseball steak. Which I put the confidence in the table. That didn't count. That wasn't an ordering for the table. But like, I'll put the confidence in the... It's a piece of hamburger. It's a piece of hamburger that he wanted out back. Order hamburgers with no buns for the table.

And then maybe I'll eat. The boys, I know what we want ordering this. It's just six-beat pack. One baseball steak. We'll have 17 hamburgers, no buns. Hot tea. Bucket of ketchup. Hot tea.

Camamel. For the table And new hats Everybody wants a new hat And six shots A drambouy We'll get some Rush for the dogs

Leave the bottle there You swine You're being so mean Waiter My girlfriend when I was 17 I finally got enough money To go to the restaurant He worked that now

A bowl full of vinegarette One piece of lattice For everybody And your phone number No napkins We like to get wet And your phone number Hey, get a piece of lettuce for yourself.

I just flip up a home fry at him. Here, take one for the road, dick hit. A potato with a boba straw in it. I like the potato bubbles. Don't crinkle your brow at me. Time for my fourth pick. Yeah. Is that right?

Correct. Oh, we took a three-minute break. I'm going to say. Oh, is De Niro going to say it? I'm going to say, I'm going to say, uh, shazaming a song. Oh, it doesn't happen as much anymore. That, I still do it all the time. And it's, it's, is, oh, cringe.

It shouldn't be like, how do you have to do it? Do you just have to be like? You hold it? You don't really have to probably, but we all do. Yeah. When you're with people, they have to see you shazamming. Yeah. Like you're looking for a signal.

I've seen that. Yeah. They're like, are you shazaming that? You're like it. I like this song. And it's good. That's a good thing. We shouldn't be embarrassed.

It's a great technology. Yeah. It really reminds me of transition lenses where I'm like, this is a technology we shouldn't. This is good. Why are we making fun of this? Yes, that's true. I am the same way and I still do it all the time. And I'll tell you what.

It happens just infrequently enough for me to have no idea where that fucking app is on my phone. Oh, yeah. So it's me going. Yeah. Trying to beat the clock. You're like, don't stop singing. Yeah. I have acted like.

I knew the song after I shazamed it. I have shazambed it. That you should be a brave of you to admit. That's why it's not on the list. I have resammed it been like, oh, and then waxed about whatever band it was like I knew. You're like, oh, 38 specials. A lot of people don't know. This is the MC5.

Girl from Epe and E, that's like a song that I've heard of it. Bum, bum, bum. You guys should at some point draft like little, I don't even know how to articulate it, but like little lies like that to like seem cool. Oh, for sure. Yeah. There's so many of those.

Yeah. Pretending you've seen movies. Totally. Yeah. When I was in the second grade, we were reading, we had to read in class, like in front of the whole class. You could read.

I pretended I could read. To this day. What? Just sig dangling. I can't find Shazam because I can't read the name of it. Which one says Shazam? The song's dope.

I can't even look for a Z, like a made-up word. Oh, is it the end when it's upright? Or is it when it's sideways? I've never thought about a Z like that. That man's done signage before in his life. Worked in the movie theater? No, just fucking get it, dude. I just get it.

I just understand shit on a different level. Beautiful mind. I just see shit in my brain, letters, different directions. Both sides, dude. I can't picture an upside on you. I'm fucked up. Picture? I can pick

I can picture. I can picture. I can picture. And picture is such a dumb guy smart, like trying to be smart. All right, and picture what I'm saying here.

I can, I want to build an A frame. I can imagine shit that would like drive you guys crazy and S going the other way. You guys can't fucking fathom that.

It's a curse. Like a dumb ass? Yeah. Like a dumb ass. How do you spell you have Sean but with a dumb ass? A picture of V. with a line through it, dude.

Upside down, upside down, dope eight. It's too smart. It's fucked up. Anarchy, no circle, upside down. Yeah. I had a boyfriend in college who was like the dumbest person I've ever met in my life who dated for two years. And he was a baseball player.

He was beautiful. But he would go, he would say something really stupid and then we'd go, welcome to me. No, that's awesome. That's awesome. That guy's cool. That's a cool guy. Welcome to me, girls. We're going to get him on next week.

Did he make it pro? No. I'm going to get him on next week. He's pitching tonight. It's moot. It was so, hey, oh, Charmy. Mooky Betts is a Nashville boy, though. Is he?

Yeah. We bowled against each other in high school. No shit. You were on the bowling team? Did you walk back? Man, that's cool. I was not cool the entire time. We would just get really high and go bowl.

I was very bad at it. Oh, the game is started. Oh, sure. I'm watching it right now. Your fourth pick? Fourth pick is one moment. I'm saying you shouldn't be embarrassed about it this because it is polite but it is sort of embarrassing

thanking a waiter like eight times as they refill a glass I don't not know the etiquette It's hard The fancier the restaurant too where you're just like I you feel like you're supposed to acknowledge them Every time they come around But then they're coming around so fucking much Who am I to just sit there while somebody refills my cup

Precisely, I'm a fucking queen I thank them as they approach I go, oh, hi, thank you. As they start to fill it up, thank you. Thank you. I do the deep two words. Thank you. I mean it.

Not like everybody else here. And then I grab them by the wrist and I go, thank you. Yeah. But then you ever notice they get kind of sick of you doing? Yes, of course. And then you're like, now we're in this, what am I doing? I'm trying to tell them like stats about myself. You know, I used to work at a restaurant.

Uh-huh. Yeah. I'm saying a comedian now, but I used to work. Do you hate it here? So this sucks, right, huh? I was pretty broke for them. long time. I bet your boss is a fucking bitch, huh?

A lot of dickheads in here tonight. You ever had like ramen from like a cup? I hope Mom Donnie wins. By now we'll know. Yeah, by the time it's theirs. Oh, my God. I was like by tonight. That is crazy.

Is it crazy that every time I hear his voice in Andrew, or his name, in Andrew Cuomo's voice, I sing, Mom Donnie. Whoa. Mom daddy. That's great. Oh, Zoran, way up to the sky. Man, this is what work should be like.

It is, I'm chilling. It's literally what we're doing for work today. Pretty fun. That's great. Yeah, that is, this is a completely unbaked take. And I don't, there's something nice. Welcome to me. Welcome to me.

That's awesome. You kept it going after he said that. Oh, 100%. I kept it going. after a lot of stupid shit. It was so dumb. There's something. We, in the...

Jolly Richers in his pockets. Okay, sorry. I thought I see. This is Carson's impression of him. Oh, I got some candy. You kind of want, like, the whole... No, I'm not going to... Come on.

No, because, like, people, like... We get too, like, the whole, like, overly, like, thankful at restaurants and everything, it's, it's kind of obnoxious. We'd mean it, but we don't really mean it. There's something nice about never, like, maybe we should get back to just like never thanking them. And it's just like a job. I can't handle that.

I don't know. Like, I don't, I, if everybody left a stand-up show and didn't thank me, I do find with it. Put on, I can't. I know. I can't either. Because then I got to go to bed and then I'm just like. Okay.

As I would agree with that, except at this moment in, in this country. Yeah, I know. It's literally all. I have is micro interactions with people where I show them goodwill. Like it's like the only thing I have left to be happy about. So you're like I get what you mean because it is like humiliating.

It's gone over the time. It's humiliating. I kind of think it's humiliating for both parties. It is kind of. And it makes them feel like a servant even more. Yeah, it's like we're overly acknowledging what this situation is. The class difference or whatever. Yeah, it does feel like that right. Like it does. It feels like the, oh, aren't you darling? Oh, aren't you? The fact that there's

not really a class difference. Yeah, right? Yeah. I'm making about the same amount of money. Come on, come on. Wait, what is it, Chili's? Yeah, that's right. This is some shit. Like, we should have politicians do where they're like, and by the way, I'm introducing national legislation

where we just thank servers at the end. We're passing a bill, and it's just you thank them at the end of the meal, and it's for everybody's dignity. You don't have to thank them the whole time. And then we just have a national conversation where it's like, yeah, we're just thanking them at the end. That's great.

It would be nice. But also, I do love killing with the waiter. Oh, I love to riff on. You have a kill waiter. Oh. I cannot stand doing bits on it. Like if it's called for, but when people try to force it, oh, I can't. What if the waiter starts the bits?

That's fine. If you're going back and forth. If you're volleying, but I just can't, when somebody tries to pull it out of thin air and just get. Customery, you mean? Yes. Yes. I'm just like let, just order your shit. Order your shit.

But I'm different. I'm not like them. Right, exactly. You're not like anybody. Old Jewish lady. at Canters, though? Running a bit with an old Jewish lady at Canters? Yeah.

That's great. Oh, yeah. Like a sassy, mean waitress? Yeah. Like, let her say a little something about me being fat. Now we're in. Just a little. Now we're both going to us.

You're going home with me. Yeah, you want dessert. You fell in love. You guys remember at the golf course that waitress that started talking shit about her husband? Oh, yeah. On the 19th hole? That's a ride.

All when we were shooting the thing? Yeah. That was sick. I like you when they tell. me stuff. David, how's your fourth and final mix.

Oh, okay, my fourth pick, when you're dancing with somebody and they leave. Oh.

Oh. I don't know that in a long time. Like that shit I've never been so seen. Yeah. Like,

and you're just like, or even if it's like they got to go to the bathroom or you were in a group and somebody has to go and someone has to go smoke. Just whatever happens and then you're just left there.

Yeah. Oh. That shit. That shit is never good. man. Oh, that is so brutal. It's the, because you can't, you immediately lose what you had. Of course. You immediately lose whatever you had. And it's like, and I'm not even scared to dance like that.

I'm dancing. I go, I dance. Yeah. Like, I'm not afraid of dancing in front of people. But when I'm left to my own devices now, all of a sudden, I'm 20 times sweatier than I was three seconds ago. It's easy to overcompensit in that situation. Yeah, I'm fucking wet. Yeah. I don't know what to do with my feet. Well, it's so funny because if somebody leaves you like, it is. personal. It is personal.

You know what I'd be like 100% it's about you. And like when you were younger, when you were like actually dancing with women, that shit, the work it took for me to even get over here. Right. And then you're going to go with you. You're like, you're gone. In your head, you're like, we're not going to get married. I'm so fragile.

I'm going to jump off this building. Yeah. I'm going to kill everybody. I'm going to kill my whole family. I'm going to Cupid shovel off the side of this building No one in this gym is safe Oh

Yeah man When somebody leaves you on it Being left on the dance floor It's just like so tough And your final pick Uh Hold on Final pick is going to

Oh Waiting for the rest of your party Whether it's like at a restaurant or like at a concert this is the perfect one I took Alana to see the nutcracker yeah right she was late

kind of annoying whatever it's annoying I'm in I'm by our seats in our in the little box section that we're at yeah a group of little girls in their moms who all went to see the nutcracker and then I'm in the back of the box

just like and she's late so now I look like this weird guy in there You know, and I shouldn't be embarrassed. No. I paid for these tickets. I want to see the night. I have a woman coming.

There's a woman coming. Everyone's safe. There's a woman coming. She trusts me. I like the rat king. Like this too, bunching up his sweater. I just start eating deli meat I brought from home. It smells like olives.

Why are you? Just kidding like that. Because this is how you've got to do it. Girls. I like the rat king. To the chaperones. It's good to get children interested in the theaters. Generations.

Generations. Generations. Generations. The future. I despise a restaurant. I don't think I'm on the wrong side of the lawn. lot of these days. But I despise a restaurant that won't see you until your whole party's there.

Agreed. I'll get a drink. I'll get a drink. If it's 15 people, I get that. Yes. To an extent. Four, shut up. It's four. Two, suck me. Suck me all the way. Yes. Fucking suck me. Rip it. Rip it from the front. Rip it from the prime.

There's my motherfucking poop button. Three of us are here. One person's not here yet. You're not going to see this. Yeah, that's crazy. Fuck you. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. So, like, if I'm going to dinner with three people or two people, the odds that I know them well enough to literally order for the drinks for the table quite high.

I will get it moving. We'll get it moving. Yeah, I want to be like, I'll just pay whatever you think they would have ate or whatever. I hate it when it happens in LA because it's like, we're at fucking lunch. Who cares? We're at lunch. And these people love to tell you no. It is kind of a trope about LA that I didn't know if it was true or not.

But these hosts at these restaurants love to be like, sorry. It's so fucking annoying, dude That was perfect You really Oh, man So we just have to wait till your whole party's here Are they gonna be here soon or So are they

So we have a policy Are they close? Are they close by? Oh, they live in the valley Yeah, you're like You live in L.A. too, you know my pain right now. Are they close by? Oh, fucking, eh.

Frustrating. I really hate it. Oh, it's so gross. a great pick. LP, your final pick. My final pick. Oh, you just

call me what my brother calls me. Alpoo, you pay. It calls me poop, you pace. I wish I could have thought of something cool. You guys went to line I love that.

It's been a long episode, guys. I was going to say, one of mine was being the first person at a function. Oh, yeah. Very similar vibe.

Oh, God. Going to a party that you didn't want to go to and then you're first? Mm-hmm. Me and, me and Mrs. Carmel are a vet.

She goes my short. What? I was like, I was like, I was like, Take a lot of them. Me and the old lady were always the first ones there. Because she also likes to be the first to leave.

Right. She's an early girl. She's a responsible woman. You don't have to do one to do the other, I thought. No, no, very much. You can be the first person there and the last person to leave. Yeah. No, I think you could be the first person.

You'd be the second person there, first person to leave. Oh, yeah. That's true. That you can leave what not. I'm going to do, I'm going to do falling asleep on the plane and you're going. Oh, God. Yeah. The head nod.

Truly one of the most human. Your mouth is open. Your mouth is open. I did one where I told this story recently on something, but it's truly the funniest thing that's happened to me in recent months. I'm sitting a really handsome guy sits down next to me at like middle seat. And I was like, cool. You know, just like, oh, that guy smells good. And, uh, and I was falling asleep and he obviously began, you notice when somebody's like jolting that horn. And you know when you like fall down and you like laugh so people know that it's not serious? You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean? Like, you know, like, you know what I mean? I'm not hurt and I'm not embarrassed. I did a huge one and he looked over at me and I looked at him and went to show him that I was chill. You thought the plane was about to blow up. I'm not like the girl in 32C. I'm aware of myself.

I'm different. crazy you're handsome you're so good looking that's so funny that's tight that's my final one I never struggle with embarrassment around that you don't I just get I think it was that

that sort of stark example where I was like this is really huge what's happening right now is really humiliating yeah falling asleep on a road trip was one that I had where that same vibe where you're just like if you know people I'm so proud of myself for falling asleep on a plane if it can happen so many people cannot do it I'm like

yeah no problem No problem. I love it when you... I've got a quiet inner mind. I love it when you fall asleep on the plane. Perfect. Yeah. Like you wake up like eight minutes before.

Oh, it's really good. So you don't have to have... Because I don't like landing and waking up. Scary. Yeah. And then the whole getting off process is groggy. You're bleary. You know what I mean?

But when you're like 20 minutes out, eyes flutter open. Oh, yeah. Maybe I'll watch that episode of... What seasons of 30 Rock do they have on this? Maybe I'll just... Oh, Leap Day Williams. Oh, my God. Leaptee Williams.

Best pull in a lot. Where will fall? I can get spooky scary right now. Fall asleep before the plane takes off. Gorgeous. I've done it. Gorgeous. I've been very hungover, but I've been hungover.

That's the worst place to be there. Oh, I hate it. You ever thrown up on a plane? Yeah. Brute. You were throwing up out of your butt on a plane? Yeah. Yes.

Actual vomit. When, this is a very modern one. Dude, I pooped throw up. That would be. They say if you poop through your mouth, you're about to die. That's like the gnarliest thing you can have. Wait, who says that? Who's they?

Nursing home people, dude. You don't talk to nursing home people? Fuck. Orderlies. Okay, I'm actually, this is stupid. They're all stupid. Maybe I'm the only one who feels is getting your wallet out of your back pocket when you've been sitting too long. Oh, like, digging in?

What you mean? Okay, I see it now. I don't have this experience. We're like, oh. Yeah, and this is a dude thing. That's a man experience. I've had to do it on the plane. That'll be nine bucks.

I'm like, cat, totally. Oh, buying a drink on the plane is humiliating. That's an embarrassing thing. I feel like they make it worse. Oh, it's, yeah. And they're like, we don't take Discover.

And they're like, oh, say it louder. They charge you guys? That'll be $9 for your alcohol, sir. All right. Could have been 30. All right, I charged you $12 at $11. 8. We're not going to charge you.

Our machines don't run this early in the morning. God's still asleep, so he can't see you right now. Actually, though, honestly, flight attendants softer than any bartender. They're pretty cool. They will let you get. You know, also. And they start giving them to you for free. Yes, they do.

I get a lot for free. Slipping you a couple of those little bottles. Airport bars, where you're like, you're serving and they're like, I'll set it here. Can't drink until 7 a.m. Like, I've had that happen. That I have not had happened. I haven't been there either You got to make sure they can see the gun

If you just say you have it They won't do it Everybody says that I've been around a box a couple of times When I first got on I'm going to take my first sip at 7 am Does anybody have a problem? Have it there

When I first got on Chelsea lately Which is a show with a big With a large gay viewership Yes And I fit a certain kind of fetish kind of a bear type dork and I was flying back to Portland big time dork and

the flight attendant was this gay man who loved Chelsea lately and had been seeing me on there a bunch and he was like I think into my type so he was just like very obsessed with me and this was when I was still drinking pretty heavy and he brought like just kept bringing them just kept like sliding like the little gray goose

bottles like here you go take a couple more and just got me hammered oh my god beautiful I was like hammered in the sky this was the first time I'd been on TV I'm like, I think my life is going to be like this. Never again even came close to happening sense. But I was like, Carmel, everything's changed for you.

Flight attendants of all the people who will ever recognize you, flight attendants are the, it's never. You think about like the ratio of how often you fly. Yeah. And I feel like, at least for me, airport is where you get recognized the most. Yes, that's kind of the only place for me. Yeah, but never is a, it's never a flight attendant. I've got one time. That's it.

Because they fucking, like, we flew back to Chicago, Vince Vaughan was on the plane. Yeah. Give a fuck about me and my... I also feel like flight attendants maybe have their own media that we don't know about. That might be true. Yeah, they watch flight TV.

Yeah. Like a flight attendant reddit. Yeah. Flight attendant Reddit. Yeah. You think he ever does that? Let's get it. I bet he said it.

I bet he said it. Oh, Vincy. I can see it to himself. At karaoke. Your final pick. I try to put this in words for me. When I walk past a store in the mall, serpentine.

Nobody's in it. Nine inches. And there's a big day. Nobody's in the store and I stand out in front of the store and I look at the person who's working and then I go into the store anyways. There's like a vibe I'm talking about. Like being the only one.

Shopping? Yeah, well, this is why it shouldn't be embarrassing but being the only one in a store maybe like I'll walk by whatever like Bath and Body Works or something KV toys and I'll be like Lids is another good example. Oh fuck Lids they don't even they don't even

want to smell that candle I'm not going to buy anything and I'll just go in there and I just feel weird I'd get embarrassed doing that I'm embarrassed talking about it because you feel like they they probably really don't want to talk to you but you feel like they have such eyes on you the whole time that it yeah I get way there's that

there's like a three second rule and his son is tugging on his sleeve saying, Papa, Papa, Avrimsa come through. He's coming in and buy everything. Save the store. We want to have to go back to Italy. And you're not planning on.

You're just going to smell the camera. He doesn't want to smell the candle, you little bastard. I want to smell the candle, you little bastard. He wants to say in Sufals. Rita Mussolini. He's a mother-dust. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Papa, we get to stay in America.

I go, you shut that kid up. I'll smell the candle twice. Otherwise, I'm leaving. Get done. Get out of it. here. We don't have to go back to the bad part of Italy. They don't see on the TV. Bottom of the boot.

Did you write all that down? That was my thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Spaghetti Mafia. Spaghetti Mafia. Spaghetti Mafia. Spaghetti Mafia. I was listening to Italian drill one time and I swore to God they said spaghetti mafia. That's awesome. Nobody else thought

that. I was with other people. What's Italian drill? Brother? I can't afford it. Let's put an Uber after this. Maybe a way more. most better. Yeah, we don't want anyone around.

You get in, it's already playing Italian drill. I'm pretty sure, though, that he said Spaghetti Mafia. I love that. Siri, play Italian drill. Hey, Siri, play Italian drill music. Alexa, play Italian drill. Alexa, drill. Hey, Google, play butterfly kisses by Bob Carlyle.

Whoa. I'll need to access your Spotify data to you. Yep, yes. Siri play Spaghetti Mafia. You got to say hey first, right? Do you? I'll need to access your title. Hey, Google.

I think that was our final pick. Isaac, do you have a pick? Yeah. Having wet hands after using the bathroom because he washed them. Oh, sure. Yes. You really encapsulated the form here. That is very true.

That's so good. You used to be this shitty stand-up comedian in Portland who have this stupid bit about it. Will you remember him? Big dick. Big dick. That was too busy slamming the right properly. Slamming. You heard it here first.

He's never had sex. The bit was all gusto. It was just like if you think your hands are too wet when you leave the bathroom, they are too wet. So just wipe them off on your towels that you're wearing and that you don't need to tell me. Clothes. Well, that's part of my comedic genius as I kind of switched that. Genius you used the word. But then when people tell you it's water.

I'm working. When people tell you it's water, it's not piss. They go, hey, my hand's kind of wet. Don't worry. It's not pissed. And be like, so let's say you didn't tell me it wasn't piss. you just let me decipher that on my own, not even for a fraction of a second

what I ever thought that was piss all over there. I know it's your bit, but it feels like you're butchering it. Yeah, well, these three Fridays turn it into a Saturday real quick. You should have seen the comedian do it. You have to hear it in the original spaghetti mafia, Italian. Yeah, you should have seen the actual. Harper, do you have a pick? Yeah, taking dates to your friend's comedy show every week.

Oh, that was. You know, that was embarrassing for who, by the way. You were going nuts. I wasn't going nuts. You were going crazy. I wasn't going crazy. And you were leaving the remnants everywhere. Yes.

It was so messy. I didn't come anywhere. Every week we came back. The girl from last week was there. Not my fault. You're there with a new girl. She's pretending like she's fucking friends with me. I didn't invite her.

That's my friend now? Oh, David. Don't be funny. Harper's over there. You should have been funny. That's crazy. It was like a lot that that happened. It was so many times.

That part's not my fault. It was so much. my fault. It is your, it's how? It's not my fault. I didn't invite her the next week. You didn't call her back the next week either. You guys made it to where I was like, well, should I not do this? She knew where to find you. Now she's sitting on

a little bit. That's her. I don't remember one time you came in and she was sitting on I feel like audio listeners don't know this. But she's in the room right now. She's sitting in Isaac's lap. She's right in his lap. She's been sharpening a blade This whole episode

Oh yeah You were going crazy That was nuts It is weird Okay, I've got another one It is weird That they would keep coming back I mean it's a fun show

I don't think it is I think it's a testament To the man That's true Oh for context This is faded comedy Back in the day Yeah

RIP Yeah For our listeners Of course they're gonna Keep coming back I keep going I keep going to Buffalo Wild Wings

You know You like something You like it Yeah And it gives you diarrhea I like to stand on a toilet of Buffalo Wild Wings. I can't tell if I'm the Buffalo Wild Wings or Fated Wals. You're the Buffalo Wild Wings.

That about that's for us. I was like, what were the picks? Oh, do you want to read a Muffalo? I don't have them. No, you can do it. You got it. I'm watching the game. Iceman read them.

All right. I'm a Dodgers fan. I'm a Dodgers fanish. Oh, you've done this in an insane way. Did he do it like the evening? Emails are? Let me see. You don't get those. Yeah. I don't know how to read this. Okay. This is not who took what?

Find the Z. I didn't put the names. I'm sorry. Yeah. We did a lot of picks. We did. We had a lot of, I'll do it in order. You heard them all. All right. As a body, we took man touching another man's foot under the table. Weeping, tying your shoes, hot tub with strangers, buying condoms, me. Saying specific menu items at a restaurant.

walking back after bowling when you walk in on someone in the bathroom getting caught looking at someone waking up from a nap ever trying a new hat getting a bit colder than you expected taking the last piece of food shazaming a song

thinking your waiter repeatedly when you're dancing with somebody and they leave waiting for the rest of your party falling asleep on the plane the head nod getting your wallet out of your back pocket and being the only one in a store Oh, yeah.

Now, right. Now, let's look at your search history. We want to hear your pics. It's Otani Big Naturally. Oh, my God. I was, oh, my God. David, I was about to say Otani nude. God, I love this podcast.

He would have Big Natty's. Those pecks? Oh, yeah. All Fantasy Podcast at Gmail.com. Hit us up with your picks. Shout to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon, where we have bonus episodes, live episodes, mailback episodes, this or that's.

auction drafts. Tasteful nudes. Tasteful nudes. Sexy. Yes. Sean Terever on the AIFE subreddit. The AIFE's just a lot of Sean slurping on the AFC subreddit. You might want to pop over there and just accept your flowers as the kids say.

Pick up some of the slurp. Yeah. Just people saying like how you're very funny. You've been having a great year. That's very well. Yeah. Scoop up some slurp. What are you doing tonight?

Yeah. Just go scooping some slurp up, dude. Get on Reddit and scoop a slurp. Yeah. Mervyn's Parkin lot Smirvana's California You're getting some slurps Shot to that subreddit

You guys rule Shot to Aevisius Lackety Shut up to Super Producer Isaac on the ones and twos Ultra producer Zach on the threes and fours Shot to St. Sue Carmel shot to Sid the dude

Shut to Hajjabit, shot to Frankie Ocean Especially More important than all that Tune to get next week to another brand new episode of all fantasy everything Shclackety

That was a hate gum podcast.