All Fantasy Everything - Famous Animals (w/ Miel Bredouw and John McKay)

Episode Date: January 12, 2017

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU'RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY. YOU'RE GONNA DRAFT FAMOUS ANIMALS. Hah. Fun. On this installment of AFE, host Ian Karmel is joined by comedians Miel Bredouw and John McKay. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Designed to take around 30 minutes, and I can legit tell you, it does take around 30 minutes, for everyone from a novice cook to seasoned home cooking professionals who are just sort of short on time. They send you everything. They send you instructions. They send you the freshest ingredients, and the ingredients are measured to the exact quantities, so you're not throwing away like half a pound of kale every time you cook something. It actually makes you feel good. If you're anything like me, you try to cook stuff and you feel guilty when you throw it away. And actually, I mean, they sent, HelloFresh sent me some samples and that stuff is good. Like

it's legit good. I know you're supposed to say that and I was prepared to lie to you because they're, you know, giving us money. But no, it's like legit delicious food. I made like a zucchini flatbread situation, which was delicious. It cooked for two. It made me look like a good cook, like someone who can provide for a family, you know. We were like flipping gender roles. I went in the kitchen and it was like, honey, you know what? You sit here and watch UFC.

I'm going to go in the kitchen and cook. It was real fun. I loved it. I authentically did. I hope they keep sending me free stuff. And if they don't, I'm going to have to. I loved it. I authentically did. I hope they keep sending me free stuff and if they don't, I'm going to have to sign up because it was authentically dope. It made me feel... It was better than... I spend so

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Well, I would lie to you, but I'm not lying to you this time. Alright, that's it. It certainly is really delicious. I wouldn't, well, I would lie to you, but I'm not lying to you this time. All right, that's it. Enjoy all fantasy everything. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, ladies and gentlemen. I am your host, Ian Carmel. Today we have a scintillating fantasy draft for you today. We are drafting famous animals. Famous animals.

Not fictional animals. So there's not one person in here who's going to take Free Willy. Was his name Willy? His name must have been Willy. Was it? Yeah. No, it was... Shamu?

Shamu? No, Willy. Shamu's a real whale. Willy is the fake whale. But I call him Free Willy. Like when I worked for Chelsea lately,, people called her Chelsea Lately. Like her name was Chelsea Lately. Yeah, people were like, oh, so you work for...

But at least they know her real name. That woman Chelsea Lately. I don't know if they do. I think they thought her name was Chelsea Lately. Well, we don't know because you're saying we put him in chapter three, Willie. I'm going to be honest. I thought it was Lately. You thought her last name was Lately?

Yeah. But who's the actor that played Free Willy? Chelsea Handler. Ha ha! Yeah. Keiko the Whale played, and I know that because he lived in the Pacific Northwest for a while. Do you know Free Willy was shot on an island right next to mine? Orcas, not, you lived on Orcas Island.

I'm from Orcas. That was shot on Lopez. It would have been a little too ominous to film Free Willy on Orcas Island. But it was directed by Richard Donner, who lives on Orcas Island. Does he really? Surely. He fell in love with it. He does.

And that's a Hollywood story. And that's a fun Hollywood story. Guys, thanks for tuning in. This will have been the shortest episode. Why not introduce those beautiful voices you've heard? Joining me today on All Fantasy Everything, we have podcast favorite John McKay. Hello, John. Hi, how are we?

We're doing great, I think. I think we're having ourselves a day here. What was the day I think about? I think we're doing great. It's early. It's like noon, so we don't know yet. For those who, I mean, when you're listening, it could be any time of day. Wow.

The magic of podcasts. But right now when we're recording, it's noon. So a lot could go on, you know? Anything can happen. Yeah. Jay-Z could die today. Oh, God. Why would you say that? I'm recording, it's noon. So a lot could go on, you know? Anything can happen. Yeah. Jay-Z could die today. Oh, God. Why would you say that?

I'm just, it could happen. If it happens, this is on you. It is on me. That blood's on your hands. It is on me. But this podcast would blow up. Dude, it's the Jay-Z. All of a sudden, I'm in the Illuminati.

People are making conspiracies about me. Should we just start naming other celebrities that might die today in case we get one right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because one of them, if we just spent two hours rapidly naming celebrities. That's a podcast I would listen to. Kelsey Grammer. Kelsey Grammer. It could happen.

Blythe Danner. Blythe Danner could go any minute. Still alive? Yeah. Gwyneth Paltrow's mother. Blythe. Last name Danner. I'm okay with those two. Yeah. Kelsey Grammer. What if Kelsey Grammer and Blythe Danner died when they crashed hang gliders into each other? It could happen. If that happens, I will give you a million dollars.

I will Venmo you one million dollars. Well, now I have to make it happen. I got to tell Kelsey. The best scenario those two can hope for in terms of a death. That'd be huge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A hang glider crash. A hang glider crash.

I think that's the best case scenario. Up in Malibu. Up in Malib scenario. With footage. Up in Malibu. With footage. They're both wearing GoPros. You wouldn't even be alive to enjoy your viral video. Yeah.

That's true. We would. We would enjoy it. They're both wearing, and it's to encourage hang glider safety, which kills, I believe, the last 450,000 Americans a day. On the low end. On the low end. On a good day.

That sounds real. On a good day. Hang glider deaths. That was just in Los Feliz yeah that's Los Feliz alone by the way jumping off

Jenny's ice cream John L. McKay on Twitter comedian director member of member of the Seattle Mafia

there's no Seattle Mafia you're just wearing a hat today never tardy was 45 minutes late for the podcast today uh joining John McKay and I

is Miel Bredo. Bredo. What's up, man? Bredo. That's me, dude. What's up, Bredo? You know, not much. Feeling pretty good.

Looking pretty good. Absolutely. We decided your last name sounds like a member of a frat who everybody loves but who's never there. I'm extremely on board. Yeah. I love this. Where's Bredo, dude? I didn't see Bredo at the party last night.

He's in Kix feel like I am. Brayda's in Turks and Caicos with his dad. They have a really close relationship, actually. They're like really good friends. He says his dad is his best friend, dude,

so good for Brayda. True. Yeah. So true. Miel, you're a comedian, an actor. People know you from Vine, maybe?

Oh, God. R.I.P. Vine? R. vine r.i.p when does it actually go away the 17th of the 17th fuck that 10 days i mean you're you'll feel it harder than me because you've you've created a lot of art on vine i however i didn't say that unironically i however what that's all my favorite nba highlights are on fine i know it's fucked how did it not work i don't i think it was like a business thing yeah did it not work? I think it was like a business thing. Yeah, business. It was working.

That's the business. I think it was like some low-key shady shit going on there. I hate some low-key shady shit. I like high-key shady shit. Like what? Like the assassination of Jay-Z by me, Ian Carman. Oh, my God. For one.

Bringing it back. I thought you were going to go JFK. Oh, no, no, no. Well, also that. I do like that. Wait, so now you're killing Jay-Z? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking he was maybe going to have someK. Oh, no, no, no. Well, also that. I do like that. Wait, so now you're killing Jay-Z? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was thinking he was maybe going to have some-

Blow dart. Maybe a clot or something. Why would you wish death upon a father and a husband? Well, because I listened to Lemonade on the way here. Oh. Did you not get to the end of the album yet? No, I didn't. I just listened to the first six tracks.

She's still mad. She's still mad. So this time, I'm like, case closed. Yep. Beautifully shot film. Oh. She's too mad. So in this, I'm like, case closed. Yep. Beautifully shot film. Oh, beautifully shot visual album. Miel, where else can people see your work? Oh, my work?

God. Twitter, Instagram, YouTube. At M-I-E-L. Mostly. Or sometimes Miel Monster. At Miel Monster. Don't judge me, but Miel was taken. Dude, Brado.

Brado had a monster weekend it all it all fits in Brado drank 15 fucking monsters on one sitting damn Brado drank in a Heim Angels game

Brado's 5'1 he drank 15 monster energy drinks and dunked dude I saw I just got 6 foot vert dude yeah dude Brado Brado can jump over an escalade

his dad's escalade dude I saw Brado jump over his dad's Escalade into his father's loving arms, dude. I saw that. How did you know that? I just saw it happen. I'm assuming this all happened at Arizona State.

Yeah, so fantastic. Make sure you check out Neil's stuff. Now, we're drafting famous animals today. Hell yeah. Before we draft, the two of you have to decide the draft order by playing a raucous game of rock, paper, scissors. How do we... Rock, paper, scissors. Shit. Okay. One out of one. Alright?

And I will announce. Rock, paper, scissors. Shoot! No! John Larkin McKay. Sliced up. I didn't think you'd go scissors. It was a V for scissors and a V for victory, my friend. You get to determine the draft order. Fight on. They didn't let me'd go scissors. It was a V for scissors and a V for victory, my friend. You get to determine the draft order. Fight on. They didn't let me in.

Yeah. Is that USC? Yeah. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Love the visual jokes. The draft order. Yes. Do I get to go first?

If you'd like. And just to clarify, they can be living or dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So are you going to go first? I'm going to go first. Who's going to go second?

You're going to go first? I'm going to go first. Who's going to go second? You're going to go second. Me, I was going second, which means Ian Carmel, the handsomest man ever born in Beaverton, Oregon, will be going third. Well. Well, you know. It's happened on a, it's on the public record. I had a live journal friend from Beaverton. Yeah.

Was their name Sticky McJew? Was that you? Yeah, that was me. Oh my God. Yeah. It's so good to finally meet you. I'm doing my God. Yeah, I'm doing better, by the way. I'm doing better now, okay? You're way more handsome in real life. Thank you very much.

The acne cleared up. Hey, and thanks to Proactive. Yeah, thanks to you. By the way, our sponsor today is not Proactive, but we do have one, as you heard at the beginning of this podcast. Shout out to our sponsor. John Larkin, it is time for you to kick off the Famous Animal Draft. Where are you taking us first?

I'm going to go with what I feel was one of the hottest stories of the year. I already wrote it down. I'm going with Harambe. Of course. No. R.I.P. Harambe the gorilla. I'm going with Harambe.

Why? Because he went down like a 90s rapper. He did that. Because he got shot? a 90s rapper. He did that. Because he got shot? Exactly. Yeah, yeah, kind of. How many rappers that you know of right now are still dying by bullets? Not a lot.

Now, granted, Harambe was a gorilla. Yeah. But he still went down like a G. I think it's the opposite, though. He got shot and he died. Yeah. That, to me, makes him weak as hell. I don't want him.

There are other animals eligible for this draft who took bullets and soldiered on. Yeah. I will say that. Or that took bullets and, like, just died like a regular animal instead of, like, making a huge deal about it. What do you mean? Like, how many dogs get shot by cops, you know? Yeah. Probably tons.

Don't have the stats on me. How many people go to the zoo and stare at a dog what a trippy day well i wonder if like in russia or something maybe they just mean he's pretentious do you think he's russia's do you think you go to africa and there's like a saint bernard and nairobi's zoo like they're like a fucking chihuahua yeah they're like holy shit look at this they're insane they make a fake runyon yeah and they're like and then they just do this and go up a fake runyon for And then they just do this and go up. A fake Runyon. For those of you listening who aren't acquainted with specific

LA references, Runyon Canyon is a popular hiking trail slash Instagram background for people wearing sports bras as though they were shirts. Yeah. So Harambe the Gorilla dominated 2016. Up until the rash of deaths at the end of 2016, he was probably in the top 10 of famous deaths of 2016.

Yeah, they really didn't hold back. They just iced him, man. He was holding that baby, right? Isn't that what happened? Like a child fell into the Cincinnati Zoo enclosure. Harambe picked it up. I would say holding. There were times where he was, I would say, aggressively dragging him about the ground.

Was he aggressively dragging him? The kid? Yeah. No. Let the kid die, by the way. What are you talking about? He grabbed him about the ground. Was he aggressively dragging him? The kid? Yeah. No. Let the kid die, by the way. What are you talking about? He grabbed him by the leg and just... He was so gentle.

Is this too hot of a take? Kill the kid. Fine. Shoot the kid. I feel that way also. Shoot the glass. That's Darwinism, dude. That dumbass kid.

Okay, listen. That's maybe a little aggressive. Well, whatever. Let me rephrase. That ignorant child. That dumbass kid. Maybe deserved to die. That kid better do some hot shit. That ignorant child. That dumbass kid. Maybe deserved to die. That kid better do some hot shit.

Exactly. Yeah, if he doesn't go on to really influence change in the world, then he absolutely should have died. That burden? The burden on that child? Knowing a gorilla? He's got a gorilla corpse hanging over him. Which would look tight. Which would be awesome. Floating above his body.

I've never seen an interview or anything with the guy who actually made the call to be like, yeah, let's just shoot him. Was that a cop or the zoo king? I think it was a zoo cop. It was a zoo cop. Which the question is, what did he do to become a zoo cop? Zoo cop Shakur shot up. I think I've seen that Kevin James movie.

But I like to think he has like a dark backstory, you know? Like they were like, hey, man, we're going to have you be a Zookop for a year and get through this. John, stop saying this live because you need to write the screenplay. Oh, Zookop, dude. Zookop. And then the twist. Oh, he's the Zookop that shot Harambe. That shot Harambe.

That's at the very end. Yeah. Played by Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg plays the gorilla. Absolutely. Is that Black black face though? Gorilla face, definitely gorilla face. It's close.

Yeah, Mark Wahlberg could play a gorilla, and I would enjoy seeing him get shot. I would like seeing him get shot. I'm bored with the Mark Wahlberg revisionist history thing where we're all like, he's cool now. Oh, no, he's not cool. Beat a Vietnamese man's eye out of his head. He also said that if he was on the plane on 9-11, things wouldn't have gone down that way. What the?

Just discrediting the lives of all those people that died. If anyone on that plane had been in the funky bunch, it would have gone down different. If you looked that good in Calvin Klein, you too would be able to deter terrorism. He would have used his long ropey dick to kill the terrorists. I would be like, can I just get another ginger ale? Yeah. Until this thing blows over? I would have too.

I would have been like, fine, this is how it goes down. Yeah. I would have been more cowardly than anyone on that plane. I would like to say that right now. Ian Carmel, more cowardly than everyone who perished on flight United 93. If Ian Carmel had been on that plane, things would have been actually worse. It would have been way worse. It would have been way worse. I'd have been like, give them a

chance. Maybe they will land. Let's not judge this book by its cover. It's a YouTube prank. I would have gone all Portlandian liberal, like, they're going to crash into the Pentagon? Good! Good, because of the illegal wars. That's a hot take. No, I would have done that. Who wants a voodoo? Yeah, I would have done that. Now, who wants a voodoo?

Yeah, I would have had a box of voodoo donuts on the plane. Harambe. What else about Harambe do you love? He became quite the meme. Even NBA players, like Joel Embiid got in on the Harambe meme. I just like the fact that there were children on school field trips at that zoo that day. Now we're just like, oh, oh, oh, a kid felon. Oh, my God, they shot him.

I just feel like that's more to the credit of that zoo cop and less to the credit of the animal that got shot. Yeah. I mean, if you could, we didn't actually specify if animals and humans were considered the same. So George Washington is my second pick. Oh. Just kidding. But I do feel like if you could, I'd pick the zoo cop over Harambe.

Because Harambe died like a little... But you can't in this draft. Men, not animals. Oh, well... For this draft. Okay. Is not human the most animalistic of all animals?

No, not today. I like that character. Thank you. Yeah, I'm workshopping. It's one of my grandlings five through the door. More fun LA references. So Harambe, shout out to Sexual Jumanji and then Brandon Wardell afterwards for popularizing

the dicks out for Harambe meme. Yeah. That was a fun thing. I enjoyed that. It spread like wildfire. It spread like wildfire. I enjoyed that. Also like herpes.

Or like herpes or gonorrhea. Yeah. So it became a big weird Twitter meme too. It's fun. It should have. Was it? Yeah. I mean, Lawrence was zombie Harambe at Comic-Con.

Which was my idea. Boom. Zombie Harambe? We worked together in Funny or Die and we had to come up with costumes for Comic-Con and I pitched zombie Harambe. That's great. And then, of course, they didn't let me dress up as that costume because I am tiny. You're a woman.

Yeah. Well, how big was Harambe? Do we know? I imagine large. Well, they have huge balls, though. Do they have huge balls? Girls have huge balls and tiny little dicks. But they have small dicks, right?

They have tiny little like me. Another reason why I wouldn't choose him for my number one pick. But I mean, it's okay. But also quasi-racist that they just made Lawrence. That's how I felt. Was Lawrence a black man? He was the only black person.

He was a fine, upstanding individual of the African-American community. Funnier, okay. I know, right? Well, that's a little weird. I know. That is weird.

How big is his dick compared to his balls, though? That's a great question, John. Maybe that's... Throw to John. That could be the key. Maybe they don't see color, but they definitely see ball size over at Funny or Die. All right, John McKay.

Harambe. Yeah. Number one pick of the draft. Yeah. I can't argue with it. He dominated 2016. We'll see in five years when historians listen to this podcast if he maintains his exultant seat at the top of our... When we're reviewing the movie.

Zeitgeist. Yeah, when we're reviewing your movie. When you're accepting your Oscar. That's the next Planet of the Apes, right? Yeah. Miel Bredo, you have the second pick in the first round.

Yeah. And which famous animal will you be picking? Oh, man. Okay. I'm going Pizza Rat. Pizza Rat! Damn.

I'm going Pizza Rat. Pizza Rat. Who, as far as we know, is still alive. I mean, I'm gonna hope that he is because it is very necessary for my well-being to believe. But I chose him because I relate to him, first of all. Everyone loves pizza.

Yeah. Second of all, the proportion of his body. Second of all, everybody's a rat. Everyone's a rat. The proportion of his body. Go ahead. To the pizza size was so wildly impressive to me that he was so committed and obviously like we know that i guess that was like a fake

stage story or something don't care that rat then was the best actor i've ever seen it was fake there's a whole thing i didn't actually read the article i just read the headline but yeah i guess someone like on like infowars.com like alex jones is like pizza rat was fake also president obama's gay pizza rat was yeah pizza rat is a crisis actor distracting us from the fact that president obama is having homoerotic sex on the lawn of the white house yeah yeah that was the article that was it yeah i think i missed that one but i still i still believe in pizza rat and that's why i want him on my team even if even if the rat was an actor. That's what I'm saying.

It's more impressive. The rat didn't know. He was like, it's my fucking lucky day. And then he has one take. That was one, dude. Fucking one shot, man. Who's the rat from Charlotte's Web? What's that rat's name?

Not Ratty Kins. That's from The Great Mouse Detective. Clarence. It's not Clarence. No, no, no. I have it. Don't look it up. I have it. I'm going to look it up, but just so it's in my brain. Oh, goddammit. This is not Clarence. No, no, no. I have it. Don't look it up. I have it.

I'm going to look it up, but just so it's in my brain. Oh, God damn it. This is making me so mad because they have the smorgasbord, the whole fucking song. I love this rat. Templeton. Templeton. This pizza rat is like a real life Templeton. Templeton, who was my favorite character growing up.

Templeton was eating garbage fair food, right? That's what his smorgasbord was? Yes. And I'm still jealous of him when I watch the movie version of Charlotte's Way. A thousand percent. He's eating garbage fair food, right? That's what his smorgasbord was? And I'm still jealous of him when I watched the movie version of Charlotte's Web. He's eating garbage fair food. By the way, which is a thing any of us could probably go do. If you're like, pardon me, I know this is a weird request. Here's $45.

Can I eat out of all the garbage cans? They'd be like, go ahead. They're carnies. They wouldn't stop us. Yeah, funnel cakes. What are you talking about? They'd be like, actually, Charles called dibs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're gonna have to fight him for it. And he definitely has a knife. But yeah, Templeton. Pizza Rat was kind of like a real life Templeton.

Yes. Which was fun. Definitely not a real life Ratatouille. I mean, he could have made that pizza. We didn't see where it came from. That's true, actually. He could have made that pizza. Or it was just like an after shift meal.

You know, he's just tired of making all this fancy French food. Yeah. He's like, I could have some fucking French onion soup, but i'm gonna go old school i just want a pizza he knows this great pizza place but in chinatown somehow yeah uh he didn't even fold it either he was he was he had it yeah he hid it the way i believe you are supposed to hit it you're against you're against pizza folding a hundred percent because it becomes a de facto calzone at that point or what well yes first of all it's like more or less a sandwich at that point. Also, why would it be shaped that way if you weren't intended to eat it that way?

Because you're a person on the go when you got places to be. There's always time for pizza. I stand by this. These are both compelling arguments. I've never lived in New York, but I've spent weeks there at a time. And I fold. I do fold. I have to admit.

Maybe I'm not proud of it now i never knew that i was supposed to be ashamed of it which is a fun thing to learn good to have another thing to be ashamed of by the way uh i didn't know you weren't supposed to because the grease although that is kind of a drawback it like funnels the grease right down your shirt it's a shooter dude it's like it's like a pizza luge of hot cheese grease yeah no, it doesn't make sense to me. They had that at the Comedy Central Emmys party, by the way. Oh, cool. What was that like? You can tell us more about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, as someone who was nominated. I wasn't. Our show was, though. Dude, congrats. Thank you very much. I would have watched it, but I don't have cable. Was it on cable?

I don't know. Do you need money, man? I think it's a big network thing. Can you buy me cable? It's a huge deal. I'll buy you cable. Yeah, absolutely. Pizza Rat.

Back to Pizza Rat. He's the, unlike Harambe, still alive. Unlike Harambe, ate pizza. Do we know that that's true? Oh, no. Harambe loved pizza. Yeah. Harambe loved pizza.

According to the biopic Zoo Cop. How far are we, not to go back to Harambe, but how far are we from a book, a biography of Harambe written from Harambe's but how far are we from a book, a biography of Harambe written from Harambe's perspective? That's another idea that would sell. Have you not been on Wattpad.com? I am positive this exists. What.com? Like the fanfic. Oh, I don't know. Like the medium.com, but for fanfiction?

As a public figure, I try to stay away from that. No, I'm just kidding. I want to die. Because I don't want to read like erotic fanfiction about me making love to a smaller version of myself. That's what it is about, actually. Is it? Yeah, that's exactly what yours are about.

I love that. Last time I checked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Me and then like a five-eighths version of me. Yeah. Just going at each other. Yep. But I'm the bottom.

That's the fun thing about it. Yeah. Interesting. I didn't get that far. I only made it to the first 50 pages. Well, I wrote it, so. Pizzarette. Excellent pick. Anything

else to say about Pizza Rat while we're here? God bless him. There's no way that rat's still alive. That rat could still be alive. You think that rat's still alive? Do you think it was like a heroin situation where he got like way too big of a dose of pizza and just sort of

nodded off in the street? I thought he got too famous for his own good. He got too famous and was killed by courtney love yeah i think that rat took that pizza down into the darkness and the other rats were like here we go bitch oh no don't this feels like a personal attack considering i already established i need him to be alive for my well being and now you're threatening to metaphorically kill him it gets weird down there in those tunnels what if you saw somebody dragging like a proportionately large hunk of pizza? Like one of those Big Mama's and Papa's pizzas that's so big you can't get it through a door? I would want to be friends with them.

Yeah, right? Just like Pizza Rat. Just dragging it down the street. I want to do that challenge. I like to believe Pizza Rat moved into that 2nd Avenue, New Subway, whatever the fuck it is. They just opened a new subway in New York. He's the first rat there. He's the king rat there. Okay.

He's the king rat there. He runs that place. It's his. No, no one's on board. I'm on board. I'm on board. I'm still listening. And listening.

Don't mistake my lack of eye contact for not listening. It's what I need to believe. Okay. I'm multitasking over here. I like that. Are you looking up your fanfic right now? Yeah. I'm just adding some stuff to it that I thought of.

Where the smaller me has a mustache and a goatee now uh yeah pizza rat king of the second avenue subway it's in my mind john's version pizza rat dead got knifed killed and eaten by other rats for his had his pockets rolled for his pizza and in my, it was kind of a red paperclip situation. He traded the piece of pizza for a turkey leg, and they traded the turkey leg for like a rack of ribs and so on and so on. Until now, Pizza Rat owns a four-story walk-up in Crown Heights. In Crown Heights, though? In Crown Heights, yeah. He might as well be dead.

Yeah, right. Shade. I don't get that reference. I don't know enough about New York to, but I'm on, you sounded confident. No, I think I walked through there once. Moving on. It looked nice. What's your pick?

I'm dying to know. To the final pick of the first round, I am going to take the god Punxsutawney Phil. Oh, come on. The Groundhog. How are you not going to take Punxsutawney Phil? Okay, which one, though? The latest one, I guess. I'm going to take the latest.

Well, no. I'm going to take the one from whenever the Bill Murray movie was made. 93. 93. I'm going to take whichever Punxsutawney. Now, groundhogs have an average lifespan of 10 years. Yeah, and that groundhog has supposedly been alive for like 120 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, okay, I'm going to go conspiracy theory again. No. And I'm going to be one of those people who thinks it's the same groundhog. Okay. Yeah. That's why he's been like such a dick recently. Yeah, since 1886. Because he just wants to die.

He's just ancient and demented. Because hasn't he been like biting people like persistently? And I love that. I love how big and fat he is. I love that he lives in a place called Gobbler's Knob. What's not to love about Punxsutawney Phil? Leave me in this goddamn box. That's where it happens. The town is called Gobbler's Knob. What's not to love about Punxsutawney, Phil? Leave me in this goddamn box. That's where it happens?

The town is called Gobbler's Knob. Everyone in America walking around like there's not a place called Gobbler's Knob, and there's a place called Gobbler's Knob. And isn't it like a secret society that takes care of him? Yeah, and they all wear top hats. Yeah. They're a bunch of fancy men who keep a very fat groundhog in a secret place. What do you think they do with that groundhog that is 364 days a year?

I think they feed it, just based on the pictures of it. I don't think they're fucking that groundhog, which is, I feel like, what you're implying. A little bit. If you wear a top hat and you have a groundhog and you claim to be a secret society and you also claim to have an immortal groundhog, I wouldn't be surprised

if there was some other freaky-ass shit going on in there. Fuck the groundhog. Counter-argument. If you wear a top hat all the time and you have a secret society and a secret groundhog, you don't need to fuck your secret groundhog because all sorts of other groundhogs are throwing themselves at you. And you're getting so much pussy.

So much groundhog pussy. Oh, no. These guys can just fuck whatever groundhog they want. You know what I mean? Did you hear Terry from the tavern hit me up about coming? Yeah. I have a contrasting viewpoint on Puxatawney Phil. Go on.

And that is he's a coward. Why? Because he's living in the shadow of a previous groundhog and he just assumed his identity like some fucking Mr. Ripley shit. Yeah, but Punxsutawney Phil... He didn't sign up. Who knows? Who knows how they drafted him? Maybe he was born into it. It's a proud lineage.

It's like King of England or Queen of Siam. I think it's more like chosen as a child and abducted. Oh, kind of like the Dalai Lama. It's like the Dalai Lama. Yes, or a stormtrooper. Right. Oh, yeah, or a storm abducted. Oh, kind of like the Dalai Lama. It's like the Dalai Lama. Yes, or a stormtrooper. Right.

Oh, yeah, or a stormtrooper. I'm going to go with Dalai Lama because it seems a little more, you know, hoity-toity. By the way, Punxsutawney Phil's official name is Punxsutawney Phil, Seer of Seers, Sage of Sages, Prognosticator of Prognosticators, and Weather Prophet, Extraordinary. Okay, the most surprising thing to me about that is that his name's not Philip. Yeah, it's not Philip. It's still Phil. It's just Phil.

It's still a very casual Phil, but with all that fucking, all that extra baggage at the end of it. And that's by the Secret Society? They came up with that? I believe God came up with it. Okay. And whispered it gently into the ears of one of the top-headed men. He whispered all that? All that.

Seer of what? Seer of seers. I'm sorry. Does he only see other seers? No, no, no, no, no. You don't like that saying. He's the king of the seers. Yeah, the king of kings.

Like Christ, who is our Lord. Jesus of Nazareth. I'd like to remind all our listeners. Now you're getting into my lingo. Okay. So Punxsutawney Phil. Seer of seers.

Prognosticator of prognosticators. Maybe. Wait. Oh, wow. So that sounds like a false idol to me. Yes. So I think that they're worshiping a false idol. Yeah.

And possibly that goes against Christianity. Yes. But they probably all voted for Trump. Yeah. Did they? I wonder if they did. I wonder what percentage of. I think Punxsutawney Phil would totally be a diehard Republican.

Punxsutawney Phil. Yeah, but he may have been a never Trumper. He was firmly in the Kasich camp. What state is that? None of us know. Connecticut? No. Delaware.

Delaware. No. Pennsylvania? Pennsylvania. That feels right. Yeah. I honestly, none of us know. Really only Philly.

But it feels right. Anyway, I'll tell you where it was. Pugstown, Philadelphia. That's his whole name. Pugstown, Philadelphia. As I wrap up this discussion, by the way, so far, my pick is the only one with a dope-ass Bill Murray movie attached to it. No Harambe Bill Murray movie.

Definitely no Pizza Rat Bill Murray. You have Pat Moswalt, kind of. Kind of. Kind of. But not William of Murray. Yeah, and once again, and this may be new information to everybody, Gobbler's Knob is where he lives.

Is that new information? It's a real place. It sounds like a blowjob in Harry Potter. She gobbled my knob! And then she gave me a Gobbler's Knob! She was a Hufflepuff, so I knew she would. Good evening, Mr. Potter. I heard a rumor that you received a gobbler's knob.

Have you ever had a gobbler's knob from Alan Rickman? I work with a bunch of British people who do nothing but trash my Alan Rickman impression. Rest in peace. I think it's pretty good. Thank you very nothing but trash my Alan Rickman impression. Rest in peace. I think it's pretty good. Thank you very much. Such a rest in peace. Huh? Like, Alan Rickman as Snape is pretty good.

Yes. Thank you very much. I can't do, like, an Alan Rickman just, like, ordering salad. I want Alan Rickman from Love Actually. From Love Actually? I've never seen Love Actually. Oh, I would not admit that on air. I did.

This is the second time I've done it, I think. No! Yeah, because I think I admitted it the last time you were, John, the Christmas song episode. He brought a gun. It was a gun. Fun space work, John. Thank you. Yeah.

Very fun for the listeners at home. They love that John mimicked a shotgun. I pretended to kill my friend. Here's what happened, though, and why you got a B- on this UCB score, was there was no kickback. Nice. Another inside ref. Another fun, current events-based inside LA reference.

Look, guys, I've never taken improv. Improvisational comedy. Okay. So Punxsutawney Phil is my first pick. And since it is a serpentine draft and I get to go- Again. I get the first pick. Okay.

And with the first pick of the second round, I'm going to take a certain golden retriever named Buddy the Wonder Dog. What? Buddy the Wonder Dog. Who? Who is Buddy the Wonder Dog? Why? Buddy the Wonder Dog played not only the dog from Full House. Wow.

But also, but also, but also, but also, one also, but also. One more. Motherfucking Air Bud. Okay. Buddy the Wonder Dog played Air Bud.

He's the dog who played. He was in Full House and in a bunch of Air Bud movies. He has better credits than anyone in this room. The 90s were huge. Huge for him. He was doing blow off a Carmen Electra. Guarantee you Buddy the Wonder Dog was doing cocaine off a Carmen Electra at one point. Okay, next question.

He had a 94 Corvette. Yep. I feel like he probably had a nicer car than that, but maybe let's not get into that. Question. Yes. How old was he when he did Full House? I think it was like a young little pup. Was that dog's name Daniel?

What was that dog's name? Wait, let me answer your first question first. Okay, so he was like one years old when he started Full House. Oh, wow. Child star. Child star. He was learning lines? The dog's name on Full House was...

Jesus Christ. This is embarrassing. I'm feeling like it was Daniel. Buddy. His name was Buddy. No. Yeah. He played himself.

Oh, no. Comet. Oh, Comet. Of course. Yeah. Damn it. was Daniel. Buddy. His name was Buddy. No. Yeah. He played himself. Oh, no. Comet. Oh, Comet. Of course. Yeah. Damn it. Not Daniel. So he was a stray.

Okay. A golden retriever? Wow. He was a stray dog lost in the Sierra Nevada mountains. No. Yes. A golden retriever. Yes.

Rags to riches. Bullshit. This guy, Kevin. What's your source? Kevin DiCiccio. Wikipedia, but a sourced Wikipedia. A sourced Wikipedia guy, Kevin DiCiccio, Wikipedia, but a sourced Wikipedia. A sourced Wikipedia. From Kevin DiCiccio?

Kevin DiCiccio adopted the disheveled golden retriever and brought him home to San Diego, where he trained him in the sports of basketball, chess, baseball, football, soccer, and hockey. This is so fake. His first appearance was on America's Funniest Home Videos. No. A national treasure. Veto. And then he gained further fame bouncing a basketball off his muzzle and into a basketball

hoop on Letterman. He did fucking Letterman. Absolutely no. This Kevin Chichi. No way. He found a dog. Yeah. No, actually, he bought that dog.

No, there's no way there was a purebred. He found him disheveled in the Sierra Nevada mountains. He rescued him in the Nevadas. No. He carried him. No. A purebred golden retriever was just a stray. By the way, can I just say this?

Who saved who? Exactly. You know, who saved who? I'm going to throw my phone out the window. What is the owner's backstory? He needed it. He wrote that Wikipedia article. No way.

He's like, I found him wandering around the Sierra Nevadas. I taught him how to play chess, basketball, frisbee, hang glide. He was super good at Tetris, to be honest. Yeah. No, no way. It's sourced. And he's been on Letterman. Sourced from what? Sourced from his diary? Sourced from Go Buddy, the Air Bud story by Kevin DiCiccio. Yes, he wrote the story!

Part of the Air Bud publishing group! Bullshit! No way, it's not real. I'm calling bullshit. Is the dog he bought... Whether or not... First of all, whether or not he was found disheveled in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, he was still on Full House, Letterman, America's Funniest Home Videos. How could you ever prove that was the same dog?

And Air Bud. How could you ever prove it? He looks like a normal ass golden retriever. Watch any of the Air Bud movies and tell me that's not the same dog. Hey, Ian, can I ask you real quick? Where did Air Bud take place? That happened up in, what, Seattle, Washington? Yeah.

Yeah, it was in Seattle, Washington, near the Orcas Islands. Hi. Yeah. To Washingtonians. What's up? At one Oregonian. Yeah, well. God.

Hey, guys, so rain is so tight, right? You guys love coffee or what? Air Bud, he had nine kids. No, he didn't. Yes, he did. So fucking Kevin Chichi didn't even neuter his goddamn dog. In 1997, you're going to feel bad for talking shit now. In 1997, Buddy had his right hind leg amputated.

Why? Due to synovial cell sarcoma. That's cancer? Yeah. Okay. Died in his sleep. No. Buried next to Dwight Eisenhower.

No. Well, that part is not true. That makes sense. Honestly, based on all this other shit, I wouldn't be surprised if that was on his Wikipedia. Buried in a smaller tomb next to Grant's tomb. Nominated for a Kids' Choice Award, by the way. Didn't win it somehow.

Is that real? Who did he lose to? Who did he lose to? I don't know what it doesn't say. The 1998 Kids' Choice Award. Nominated for Favorite Animal Star and lost it. Who the fuck did he lose it to? How do you not?

Anyway. I'm really disappointed you don't have a source for that one uh well the source is the footage of the kids choice awards which i believe we all have on our computers we'll have to add an addendum to this in post anyway i dare you to find i dare you to find a dope or modern dog then buddy the wonder dog if it's r.i.p r.i.p and i guarantee you it's true uh so that's my pick miel itiel, it's time for your whack-ass pick, whatever it's going to be. Okay. Pick Spaghetti Monster or whatever.

I'm torn between two here. Tortellini Hamster. I'm going to go, oh, fuck. Do I want to go predictable or do I want to go a little bit rogue? I think I'm going to go a little bit rogue. And I'm going to choose Uncle Sam, who is the bald eagle from the Donald Trump photo shoot. Good choice. Thank you.

He tried to warn us. He did. He knew. We didn't listen. He's going to be dead within the next four years, I'm sure. How long do eagles live? The eagle or Donald Trump or both? Well, in a perfect world.

Hoping for just one of them. I don't know. Honestly, fuck eagles. But I like that eagle. Fuck eagles? both uh well in a perfect world yeah hoping for just one of them and i don't know honestly but i like that eagle fuck eagles this is all this is the perspective only of someone who grew up in the puget yes okay i'm from an island we have a shit ton of golden eagles yeah on our property uh have you ever seen a golden eagle they're big right they're fucking gigantic standing comes up to like my tits for real they're so They're so big. By the way, Miel is 6'8". That's a tall bird.

But I shit you not, it would drop. It would pick up prey that it clearly couldn't carry, and it would drop them because they were too big. I regularly had half deer carcasses on my front lawn growing up. These eagle would tear deer in half? Swear to God. Young deer. Young deer.

Young deer. But I'm not kidding. Full half end of a deer just like my cat disappeared once who knows you grew up in horror i did i did horror horror horror is a weird word horror are you guys high usually but not now horror horror i was full of horror horror i have to admit i was was experiencing a sense of horror. Anyway. Is that Bredo again?

It's Bredo. It's Bredo. That's Bredo's brother, Klimt. Bredo at 60 looking back on his life. Yeah. But he's not named after the artist Klimt. He's just sort of a jazzed up Klimt. Got it.

Klimt. You added a T, a P for fun. Klimt. Nice. Klimt didn't go to college. No. Klimt got into a drywall accident and sort of been living off a settlement for a while. Drywall accident. Classic. Classic. Classic Klimt. Classic Klimt. Nice. Klimt didn't go to college. No. Klimt got into a drywall accident and sort of been living off that settlement for a while. Drywall accident.

Classic. Classic. Classic Klimt. Classic Klimt. Uncle Sam. So fuck eagles, but I like that one. So for those of you that don't know, there was a photo shoot. I'm sure you know.

And if not, look it up right now because it's amazing. Donald Trump was doing a photo shoot with a bald eagle. Yeah. Trying to look very American. Yeah. The bald eagle's name was Uncle Sam. Yep. And that eagle was freaking the fuck out. Attacked his ass. Yeah. Bit his hair. Yeah. Sca to look very American. Yeah. The bald eagle's name was Uncle Sam. Yep. And that eagle was freaking the fuck out.

Attacked his ass. Yeah. Bit his hair. Yeah. Scared him. I mean, do I need to say more? He's the best. It's a hero eagle.

He truly, I mean, fuck Harambe, dude. Yeah. What did Harambe do? Harambe got shot. That's what he did. Sounds like a real little. I wonder what they do. I wonder if they, because it's illegal to harm a bald eagle.

So they couldn't even like penalize it couldn't fight back yeah he's a god that eagle knew that eagle had advanced information of Russian hacking of the emails

you think there's any bald eagles in Russia god we should send an army of bald don't you wouldn't you love to send an army of bald eagles

to just murder Vladimir Putin no yeah I'm sorry wait hang on whoa whoa whoa you said Putin yeah

that's how you say it Putin Putin true okay it's a little cuter if you call him Putin. Do we want to make that cuter? Yes.

Putin is scary, Putin. Oh, my God. Vladdy. Putin. Vladdy Putin. Vladdy Putz. Nice. Yeah.

Actually, yes, I would like to send an army of bald eagles. Putin. It used to be Putin, and now we call him Putin. I don't know when that happened, but I didn't sign off on it. I've never heard of Putin. I recall Putin. Putin. I've always heard Putin. I went recall Putin. I've always heard Putin.

I went to Harvard, and we called him Putin. You went to Portland. State University. State. The Harvard of downtown Portland. Of downtown Portland, yeah. As it's known. As it's commonly, more commonly referred to.

The Rose City's jewel. Yes, the jewel of the Rose City. Before I assumed that throne. Yeah. Uncle Sam. Thanks. Good pick. Pizza Rat, Uncle Sam. Pizza Rat, Uncle Sam. the roast sitting before i assumed that throne uh yeah uncle sam thanks good pick pizza rat uncle sam pizza uncle sam does it bother you at all that your first pick would definitely be eaten by your second pick i like to believe that uncle sam would have so much respect for pizza rat yeah he'd be like you know those videos where it's like a big lion and like a little puppy and they're like best friends animals who are friends yeah it would be that kind of situation.

Pizza rat just riding on Uncle Sam's head. Yep. The two of them. It's like Ratatouille. Just a couple of sassy New Yorkers. Under his little tiny Eagle Chef hat. Yeah. Little rat.

Very good. Thanks. Let's go to Veggie Girl. John McKay. Oh, Veggie Girl. They're vegans? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm out.

Actually, I love Veggie Girl. Veggie Girl's fake ass wings are good ass wings. Also, I feel like this might be an appropriate time to let you know I am vegan. Oh, loser. Should I just leave? No. I'm totally fine with it. I have no problem with vegans.

I'm trying to eat less meat, actually. Hey, congrats, dude. Yeah. Congrats, man. Congratulations. Thank you very much. Yeah. Everyone's really happy for you.

It's a really original thing to do. All right. Speaking of original things to do, the guy who drafted Harambe, what's your next pick? original thing to do. All right, speaking of original things to do, the guy who drafted Harambe, what's your next pick?

I'm You prick! going to go with a little animal who's only known as P22. I know what you're talking about here. I don't.

Oh, P22. P22. Could be among us right now. Is the mountain lion who resides in Griffith Park, California, which I believe is your neck of the woods, is it not, Mio? Twas. Which is a little place where Beck also lives, so he might know Beck. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. P-22 is a mountain lion that lives up there. No one ever sees it. It's just caught on motion-censored cameras, and then the LA Times just puts it on the front page, basically being like, we're all going to die. Has he been killed yet?

No, no, no, but he's healthy as fuck. That thing's just hiking. Is that in the headline? He's hiking, Griffin, all the time. Wait, PS22, that's the kids' school that sings. P22, yes, PS22 is the one in New York. Just P22. P22.

We just did a video with JoJo, by the way. I highly recommend seeing it. Who's JoJo again? It's just a little too late. JoJo? JoJo. Don't look at me like I'm supposed to know. I spent all this time doing animal research.

Hey, technically, she's an animal. What? Is her name... I know JoJo for me is from Casey and JoJo. Oh, I thought you meant those French fries. No, technically, she's an animal. What? I know JoJo for me is from Casey and JoJo. Oh, I thought you meant those french fries. No, but those are too. Oh, my life. Prefer someone like you.

So, yeah, P-22. P-22. I think it's a strong choice. It's big. He's always getting, or she, is always getting, like, caught under decks up there and shit. They're having to, like, send people to lure the mountain lion out. Getting in crawl spaces. I love it.

Just let it chill. But it's going to kill people. No, it's not. It's definitely eating cats. No, but so are coyotes. They definitely are. I mean, we live here. It's an ecotone.

I love seeing lost pet signs around Griffith because they are in a deep, deep case of denial. Yeah. Although in Silver Lake yesterday, more bits like fake signs just as little jokes. Oh, yeah. For no one than actual signs on every telephone post. And that's why we did it. Like, have you seen this gorilla?

Take a tab because it says, now you have. Right. Oh, classic. Right. Right. That's how I'm hoping to get discovered is through my parody sign business. Yeah. That's how most people do now.

There's some dope pictures of P-22. Oh, yeah. That one with P-22 with the Hollywood sign in the background? Uh-huh. That's a cool-ass picture. You think he or she didn't think of that? Yeah. P-22's kind of yoked, too.

P-22's like a yoked mountain lion. P-22 is jacked the fuck up swole definitely been hitting equinox i saw p22 at equal more local gym well those are everywhere now uh yeah check out p22 there's lots of articles is p22 mountain lion too dangerous for griffith park a headline splashed across the LA Times. Probably. Yeah. Absolutely. It is pretty fucked up. Griffith Park is like an operating tourist destination that just has like a mountain lion skulking amongst it.

What are we going to do then? P22 had to cross two freeways to get there. It did. Fuck it. It crossed the five. It crossed the five. He earned it. It must have been on Christmas when Hollywood was shut down, right? True.

When everybody's back home and P22's like, okay, cool. Now's the chance. December 24th. Here I go. I just like the picture of two girls taking a selfie and then P-22 coming out and just being like, what are y'all doing? Yeah. Is that his voice?

Hey, what are y'all up to? Hi, y'all. Yeah. See, that discredits him to me because I'm like, oh, yoked? Yeah, sexy. And then you're like, hi, what's up, yo? No, no, no. He's humble.

He's kind of a fun down home. He's humble. He's got a, he's got like a- Like Matthew McConauged? Yeah, sexy. And then you're like, hi, what's up, yo? No, no, no, no. He's humble. He's kind of a fun down home. He's humble. He's got a, he's got like a- Like Matthew McConaughey? Yeah, he's got like kind of, he's got a belly button tattoo. Yeah, he's been on the CW a couple times. Oh, okay. He's cool though.

I'm not sure I'm on board anymore. You have a 311 face. Nope. I think I'm officially off board with P-22. Thick 311 face. Every time he passes like an apartment 311, he's like, am I right? I'll solve him with an incubus.

Now he sounds like a real yokel. I'm not into it. He's sweet, though. He can play Amber on acoustic guitar. Of course he can. Right now, P-22 P-22's looking at the Coachella lineup, trying to decide. P-22 was almost at the Coachella lineup trying to decide.

P22 was almost on the Coachella lineup. No, he wasn't. But then it went to M83. Yeah, M83 got it. Fucking Hans Zimmer got it. And he still played it. I might go to Coachella this year, even though I found out

that that evil guy owns it. But he also owns like Staples Center, and I'm not going to not go to basketball games. When was the last time you ate Chick-fil-A? I don't eat Chick-fil-A. Because of that? Yeah. You guys are not welcome.

Wow, you. It's 2017, baby. Have morals. Wake up. I'm woke. I'm not eating Chick-fil-A. But you said you go into Staple Center. Yeah, I am.

Do you know what happens there? I shoplift, though, every time I'm there. Yo, this one's for you. I shoplift. I kill. Yeah. I break stuff. And I scream obscenities. And every time I go,. Yo, this one's for you. I kill. Yeah. I break stuff and I scream obscenities. And every time I go, one for you, one for me, I write a really mean Yelp review.

Every time I go. Of the Staples Center. Yeah. Yeah. And various other AEG holdings. Fuck that guy. But I might go to Coachella just to do Molly and watch Hans Zimmer. I want to go.

Yeah. You know, you can do that. Mike's place is right across the street. Which Mike? My Mike. Your Mike? My Pop-Pop. Mike Mike.

Oh! Pop-Pop. We can stay with my dad-dad. With Pop-Pop's place? I don't know, but we're talking like this. Oh, we might go to play at Pop-Pop's place for Coachella. My dad's never met Ian, but always asks about Ian. He knows all about me.

Does he want to kiss him? I don't know. I'm kiss him? I don't know. I'm kissable. I don't know. You're more kissable than P22 at this point. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Thank you very much,

and that's a high compliment. It truly is. Because he... He's joked. He's 15 different 311 concerts, which is a lot. P22, excellent pick. Thank you.

Now, it is also incumbent upon you to make the first pick of the third round. Who? Who are you going to pick, Johnny? Ian, you're going to have some qualms with this one. I like having qualms, though. It's good to have a qualm. I'm going to go with a dog named Blondie.

Who? Do you know? I don't, but I'm inferring things. He was a German shepherd. I don't like that already. And his name was Blondie. Yeah. And his owner was a man by the name of Adolf Hitler.

Yeah. Is that for real? Yeah. Did you say what kind of dog he was? German shepherd. Like it'd be anything. Myself and the Brits call them Alsatians because we refuse to acknowledge Germany. Sauerkraut was called Liberty Cabbage.

So far. True. Is that true? Yeah. That's true. And British people call German shepherds Alsatians. Why? Because the Germans tried to push them into the ocean.

So they're like, we're not even going to fucking recognize anything German. So they're Alsatians now. And I got on board as a Jew. But what is Alsatians? Yeah, is that the disease where you lose all your hair? No, no, no, no. That's alopecia. Alsatian is Latin for k for kike no it's not you fucking asshole i thought you were being serious i have no idea what it means uh and i prefer that to saying german uh no so blondie hitler's

german shepherd so wait why would you choose that that dog? Because it's funny to think about Adolf Hitler playing with a dog. It is funny. But there's no party that thinks maybe that dog was also part of this eugenic... Like it was the dog's idea? Like a Summer of Sam situation? Maybe. Yeah. I mean, I can't help it.

You know, you know, like a bad dude. Their dogs are always bad, too. That's kind of true. Is that true? I mean, have you not seen Friday, dude? Or is it next Friday? I think it's next Friday. I don't think there's a dog on Friday. Yeah, okay, well next Friday. A dog that's

like, I think that's yogurt or something. Yeah, I'm an Aztec warrior. I like all three Friday movies, by the way. True. I'm Ian Carmel, and I like all three Friday movies. What else can you tell us about blondie aka hitler's dog i mean he was with him till the end he named it fucking blondie that's crazy and that's so perfect it was b-l-o-n-d-i what oh let's have some fun with it yeah no it's

fun yeah it's better differently do you know what happened to the dog after Hitler? I am 99% sure Blondie stayed in the bunker. Do you think the way that Hitler took a poison capsule? I bet he gave the dog a poison capsule too. I bet the dog wasn't even with him at that point. You don't think so? The dog went scurrying off. He was like, oh, I'm fleeing. I gotta go get my dog. I don't think so.

Well, he was locked in that bunker. No. No, he gave him cyanide. Are you kidding? Yeah. Blondie ate cyanide. No, I'm not. He gave him cyanide. He did? Are you kidding? Yeah. Blondie ate cyanide. No, I'm not. Do you think he mastered it? He's like, well, if I can't have it, no one can. Do you think he mixed it up with his dog food, like the way you have to give dog medicine?

No, I'm sure he did. Hey, Blondie. Blondie, come here. Yeah, it's good. No, he doesn't even know. Things are getting pretty hot up there. He's speaking English, though. I'm just a little German accent.

God. What if I just go into fluent German? Oh, wow. I would respect you so hard. I would Venmo you right now. I would get so hard. What amount just a German accent. God. What if I just go into fluent German? Oh, wow. I would respect you so hard. I would Venmo you right now. I would get so hard. What amount? Probably $25.

That feels right. That's tight. Hey, dude, you surprised me with German? Have $25. That's fair. If someone surprises you with being fluent in another language, that's fair. They earned some money. Yeah.

In my mind. 25 American to be exact. Yeah. Good pick. Famous dog. Guten tag. Guten dog. Guten dog. Wow. Famous dog. Guten tag. Guten dog. Guten dog.

Wow. Real quick thing. You're reading up on Blondie right now. They interviewed a nurse who was in the Führer's Berlin bunker. The Führer bunker. The Führer bunker. She's now 93 years old. So she's now 93 years old.

She recently gave an interview saying that when Blondie died of the cyanide, the people who were not sticking around to also take cyanide were very broken up over Blondie dying more broken up than when Ava Braun died. Well, also in front of them. It's because the dog had no say in it. Everybody feels worse for the dog. Of course, because they couldn't have chosen that. It's Independence Day. Millions of Los Angelinos are dying left and right. And the only thing we give a fuck about is that dog. When he gets in the tunnel.

Save the dog. With Vivica Fox. What the fucking else? That Will Smith movie with the German Shepherd. I Am Legend. I Am Legend. Sam. Yeah.

That was fucked up, man. I still think about that. We think about that dog. Nothing happened the way it. I am legend. I am legend. Sam. Yeah. That was fucked up, man. I still think about that. We think about that dog. Nothing happened the way it was supposed to happen. Man, that poor German Shepherd. Is that a quote from I am legend?

You don't know the effect I am lemon. I am lemon. I'll show myself out. I am lemon. I comma ham lemon. Wait, I'm just really confused why you chose

Hitler's dog, though. That feels like maybe you're an anti-Semite to me. Absolutely not. No, I can't be an anti-Semite. He eats a Cantor's like once or twice a week. I was at Greenblatt's last night because I thought it would help me feel better. I was like, oh, I just need a pastrami and some matzah.

Were you right? No. I'm sorry. Didn't work? No. Dude, I'm really sorry for you. It's just funny to think of Hitler just be like, hey, I gotta take a dog for a walk and then let's figure out how we can just kill more people.

It is funny. He's like, he's having like a meeting about like strategizing and he's like, hold on. And then he has to take Blondie out for a walk. Did somebody give Blondie his shots? Do you think Hitler picked up that dog's shit? God, I hope so. No way. He probably didn't.

Wasn't he a vegetarian? Yeah. Yet another thing the two of you have in common. I'm also German. It's okay. I'm just curious because I feel like two of your picks, Harambe and Blondie, both are maybe more indicative of the person involved than the actual animal like you're like your fantasy your team so far the like people associate these animals would be like kind of

tight but the animals themselves i don't really know that much about i don't know if hitler would be kind of tight but i know what you're saying i mean if you were like going to war yeah you'd probably want him on your team hitler on your team? If you could control him, because clearly he was a great motivator. Sure. I think he might have had some problems. He'd be a great football coach. That's what I'm saying. Hitler.

Wow, Hitler. If you could just take his head coach. Take all of his bullshit opinions out of this, and then just his skill set. Hitler had been born in Birmingham, Alabama. You know what I mean? Goes to play for Paul Bear Bryant. The timelines aren't quite right, but he goes to play for paul bear bryant this is the timelines aren't quite right but he goes to play for paul bear bryant you know doesn't coach alabama goes to goes to you know

let's say auburn you know all of a sudden he's one of the great football maybe gets called up to the to the nfl yeah leads the cincinnati bangles remember the titans too the there's the coach the san francisco 14, which is a fun... Remember the Reikens. Yeah. The San Francisco Third Reikens. The Minnesota Third Reikens. I feel like as a not Jewish person, I can't really...

I have to abstain from this conversation. But I'm fully in. The Minnesota Third Reikens. And he leads them to several Super Bowls. I could see that. Yeah. Nazi Superman Bowls. Ooh could see that. Yeah. Nazi Superman Bowls. Ooh, a Nazi Superman Bowl.

It's like, it's like, it's a quinoa. I think that was called D-Day. Johnny McKay, you got Blondie, Hitler's dog. And also, I'm throwing in Blondie, the singer. No. Oh, that would be tight. Excellent, excellent pick. Miel, it is time for your third pick.

Okay. Again, my theory here- Try not to pick one of Hitler's animals. I'm actually going hard opposite direction. Okay. Which maybe I'm just being too political here, but for me, I'm trying to choose animals that have shown to me either something that I admire or some sense of bravery. Yes.

So for my third pick, I'm going that little swallow or sparrow that landed on Bernie's podium. Oh, Bernie Bird. That's me, dude. Oh, wow. I forgot about that. That's me, dude. Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon.

Greatest city in the world. Of course. Because in my mind, not only are my political views fairly aligned with this bird, hypothetically, but also that damn bird. How big is that bird? Four ounces? Tiny little bird. Tiny little bird tiny little bird yeah flew into

a crowded fucking stadium and was like just cool place to be can i just be here here dead center middle of what like 100 000 i don't know i'm not good with numbers there were uh 2.3 million people i believe 6 million one bill uh i think it was like almost the entire motor center which is yeah so it's like 20 000 people a. It was like a lot of people. And that little bird's like, can I sit here? It did take some balls. It was both politically aligned properly. Yeah.

And it was a very, a ballsy bird. Yeah. Huge, almost Harambe-sized testicles hanging off of the bottom of that tiny sparrow. I saw it. I zoomed in. I was like, enhance, enhance. Yeah, enhance. Yeah.

CSI. Birds don't have testicles, right? No, they saw it. I zoomed in. I was like enhance. Enhance. Enhance. Birds don't have testicles, right? No, they don't. They have cloacas. Oh my god, why do you know that? Birds have... You ever said about this? I don't. Just one day on Google. It sounds like a caramel. Birds have their sex hole and

their waist hole is the same hole. Is that true? Yeah. I'm starting to rethink my pick now. It's called the cloaca. I picked two birds. And your birds have them for sure. Man, I feel uncomfortable now knowing two of the birds I picked have- Eagles.

Shit holes and dick holes. Whatever, sparrows. Vagina holes. Both genders have them? Shit, dick, vagina holes. Oh, yeah. Win them all, meow. Cloacas.

Oh, man. All right. Well, I mean, I stand by by my choices but i feel weird about them cloaca is cool cloaca could be a cool name for like an app or like a really cool chick yeah yeah yeah like hi i'm cloaca yeah i was raised in both haiti and new york definitely clo you run into cloaca at john's dad's house at Coachella. And then I dropped out because it was too corporate. Yeah. She somehow makes like $140,000 a year modeling slash- She's like, Coachella's over. I go to Lightning in a Bottle.

Yeah. What's Lightning in a Bottle? Oh, it's like the next up and coming festival show. Nice. It's a matter of time before it's bought by Scumlord Fuckface, whatever that guy's name is. Scumlord Fuckface. I think that's it. Scumlord Fuckface. Father! Also my favorite villain from Star Wars. Yeah. Scumlord Fuckface, whatever that guy's name is. Scumlord Fuckface. I think that's it. Scumlord Fuckface.

Father! Also my favorite villain from Star Wars. Yeah, Scumlord Fuckface. Yeah, Darth Scumlord Fuckface. Bernie Bird, very cool. Didn't help Bernie win, but he did pretty good in Oregon. He did, right? I think he won Oregon.

And Washington. And Washington. You know, Washington, this actually is a little disappointing, but you know how a lot of electors defected, didn't vote for Trump? Yeah, Washington was one of them oh wait they didn't defect they defected from hillary yes to just random fucking people dakota access pipeline american indian they just wrote random yeah because they were like fuck hillary we're gonna go rogue they did i was like cool cool cool you realize you're okay never mind i forget the woman's name's name, but it was somebody from the Dakota Access Pipeline protest. And they voted for her instead.

Yeah, I mean, like, I get that you're, like, trying to be like, uh-huh, we're quirky. I know. I know Republicans that wrote in Mitt Romney. Yeah. Didn't he get – didn't somebody defect to Mitt Romney or, like, to John Kasich or to Colin Powell? That's who they did. Really? A couple people defected from Trump.

Basically a Democrat. Yeah. Actually, I think he's a registered Democrat now a Colin Powell. That's who they did. Really? A couple people defected from Trump. Basically a Democrat. Yeah. Actually, I think he's a registered Democrat now. Colin Powell. With a name like that. Colin. Okay. So, good pick.

Thanks. There's not a lot to say about this bird other than it had a lot of chutzpah. He's hella cute. Yeah. Super cute bird. Kissable. Very kissable bird. Way more kissable than P-22, it turns out.

100%. And landed on Bernie's podium. And it became a huge thing. The Bernie campaign really leaned into it. Oh, yeah. It was on all of their merch. Snow White. And how great is it that in Portland they put a bird on it?

Shout out to Portlandia. Oh, shit. I never put that together. Yeah. Currently in production on their final season. Yeah. Congratulations. Hell yeah, dude. A lot of comics we know are getting on that show. Oh, yeah. I mean put that together. Shout out to Portlandia. Currently in production on their final season. Congratulations. Hell yeah, dude. A lot of comics we know are getting on that show.

Oh, yeah. I mean, you were on that show. I was on that show. I was on the second episode. Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. You died. I died on that.

You're no birdie bird, but you know. I'm not a birdie bird. Close. But I am making the next pick. Okay, go. Fun little transition. And with my third pick, I'm going to take, this is two animals, but you'll understand why.

They work together. They're inseparable. The Tsavo man-eaters. Do you know about the Tsavo man-eaters? Is that Siegfried and Roy? No. The Tsavo man-eaters were two lions in Africa. Are you familiar with the movie the ghost in the darkness starring val

kilmer yeah so it is this they're the lions from the story the ghost in the darkness starring val kilmer they're two lions they were in kenya they were the belgians were trying to build a railway uh from the indian ocean inward and they had they were building a bridge on the savo river and there were two lions two on the Savo River, and there were two lions, two male lions who didn't have manes for some reason. What?

We'll get into that later. They were way more progressive in Africa than we were. They killed 135 people. What? 135 victims. In what span of time? Like a year or two.

What? Yeah. Wow. Did they eat them? They killed and ate them. Yeah. How'd they know how to move? Wait, it might have been in a month. What?

As part of the construction. In March 1898, the British started building a railway bridge over the Tsavo River in Kenya. The project was led by Lieutenant Colonel John Henry Patterson. During the next nine months of construction, two maneless male lions stalked the campsite, dragging Indian workers from their tents at night and devouring them. Crews tried to scare off the lions and built campfires and fences made of thorns around their camp for protection to keep the man-eaters out. To no avail, the lions leaped over or crawled through the thorn fences. After the attacks, hundreds of workers fled from Tsavo, halting its structure on the bridge.

Patterson set traps and tried several times to ambush the lions at night from a tree. Eventually, he shot one of the lions. And 20 days later, the second one was found and killed. Eventually. Eventually. It took eight men to carry the carcass of one of the lions back to the camp. It was nine feet, eight inches long. That's how long the lion was.

Patterson claimed that over 135 victims. Okay, no fucking way. 135. How could a lion even eat that much? They didn't eat all of them. They were just killing for fun. They just killed them for fun. And the lion's corpses are at the Field Museum in Chicago, Illinois, if you want to go see

them. Did you visit when he was there? I did. Well, not this time. The last time I did. Is it really nine? It's nine feet long. Nine feet long lion.

They're huge. Yeah. Wait. Okay. Next question. Yes. He tried to ambush from a tree at night. The guy did.

Patterson. What does that mean? He was sitting in a tree with a gun. With a gun. Okay. And he tried to shoot. I wasn't sure if we had guns yet in the same industry. He had a knife between his teeth.

I thought maybe he was just, yeah, just leaping from a tree. No. And he was really missing. Just wrestled the lion. And then climbing back up. Also, lions can climb up trees. Oh, yeah. That was not a smart move by Patterson.

But he took his kill, though. Later played by Val Kilmer. He was like, this time, it's personal. Yeah. Like, 135 times. There won't be 136 lions. I feel like, also, he absolutely made out that number he may have it's a disputed number yeah he's like um let's see about 135 even if it's 40 which is

the low estimate that's crazy that two lions did that in like nine months that was the best thing about the olden days if you got like six of your buddies together to all agree on something, then it was a fact. It was fact. You could lie about the dopest shit. Another question. They mentioned it was like a maneless male lion. Very curious who was like, that lion doesn't have a mane, but does it have a

dick and balls? Let's look. They're flopping around. They picked Terry to check out his dick. Hey, Terry, try not to get eaten by these man-eating lion eggs, but we really need to know if it's a dick and balls

kind of lion or just a girl. They eventually, it would have taken six men to carry the lion back if it didn't have If it didn't have

a gigantic ropey dick like Mark Wahlberg. It had a huge ropey dick, Mark Wahlberg dick. Ropey dick, more like a trunk, man. So the Tsavo man-eaters, that is my third pick.

Wow, that's good they're merciless they're amazing i love i say great i just love the idea of a couple of couple of lions wreaking havoc like it's the movie two guns yeah i love that it's like a lion version of the movie two guns uh-huh exactly what i was thinking and now i'm going to make my fourth pick. But before I do, G, will you make a note of what time signature we're at right now? The guests for the 2 o'clock podcast might be showing up fairly soon.

Okay. Because it's 1.48. Can we go, like, open the thing for them, maybe? Yeah, you got it. Okay, great. And then, if you don't mind going and doing that, we'll just continue the podcast okay awesome thanks g all right and then we're back okay so with my fourth pick i am going to take wojtek the bear i'm staying in history is that russian wojtek it's polish shit yeah and wojtek

the bear let me i want to look it up just so I don't get anything wrong about it. Wojtek was a bear. The Polish army was in somewhere in the Middle East. I think they were in like Iran or something like that. Oh, yeah. It was a young bear cub purchased at a railroad station in Iran by Polish soldiers who had been evacuating from the Soviet Union. And they brought the bear with them. And they loved the bear so much that they made it an official member of their military. No.

Yeah. So the bear, Wojtek the bear, was an actual member of the 22nd Artillery Supply Company and actually served in the Battle of Monte Cassino helping to carry munitions. Wow. The bear actually carried munitions back and forth. Wow. And Wojtek the bear developed a taste for alcohol and cigarettes. By which you mean –

Well, naturally, he was Polish. Am I right? Well, John. People just forced him to smoke cigarettes and they were like ha he likes it yeah he got into it private wojtek he was like can i get a he was like yeah i'm feeling i'm just feeling a little nick fit he's like i only i only smoke when i drink yeah and i always drink yeah he they loved him so much that he is now the uh emblem for their company no is this little bear holding a military shell

and there's a statue of him in Jordana Park in Krakow, Poland. No. They love him. They really don't have a lot else. This just screams animal abuse to me. Well, listen. If he was being abused, he was also being rewarded because he would attain the rank of private in the military. If I told you

my dog had a taste for cigarettes and vodka, you'd be like you shouldn't have a dog is your dog in the polish military that's just you're just gonna put a if you put an animal in the military you gotta let it have alcohol and cigarettes that's a hard life yeah a lot of stress any different than those instagram accounts of like people dressing their animals up and being like huh isn't this dog funny it's like, you're just like a smug little dog owner who's like, huh, I'm funny. Let me do it. That's what this military did to a bear.

Aw. Wojtek initially had problems swallowing and was fed with condensed milk from an old vodka bottle. Oh, God. Did it ever catch a bullet? He didn't catch a bullet. Yeah. That was like the largest target.

He was all good. They didn't shoot the bear. Was it like a respect thing? According to numerous accounts, during the Battle of Monte Cassino, Wojtek helped by carrying ammunition, never dropping a single crate. Never dropping a single crate. Again, isn't that more to the credit of the person who put the crates on him and clearly did a great job strapping them in?

There's also a second statue of him. In Scotland. Why? Yeah. What in Scotland did they do it in? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were like, hey, remember that bear Polish had? Wait, what did I just say?

Remember that bear Poland had? Poland, yeah. I kind of like that bear too, man. There's a film, Wojtek, The Bear That Went to War, that was broadcast on BBC2 in Scotland. No. And British songwriter Katie Carr

released a music video called Wojtek. What? Who cares? Do they want to fuck this bear it sounds like they want to fuck this bear if you're going to fuck a bear this is the bear to fuck it sounds like this would not be the bear to fuck it probably has PTSD and he's a fucking alcoholic dude

one I don't fuck or date smokers so already off the table for me two he's in the military, dude. He's got to have PTSD. John's right. Well, he's dead, so I hope you both have it. Exactly. If you're going to fuck a bear, I don't think the dead thing's going to stop you.

He died in 1961, and he died a hero. That sounds like a lot of room for space. More importantly, he died a hero. He died a hero. Wojtek? How'd he die? Old age? That's a great question.

Cirrhosis. Let's take a look. Like a fucking pansy? He died in a zoo in Scotland. No. That's a great question. Cirrhosis. Let's take a look. Like a fucking pansy. He died in a zoo in Scotland. No. That's what Scotland loves him. Following the demobilization on November 15th, 1947, Wojtek was given to Edinburgh Zoo, where he spent the rest of his life, often visited by journalists and former Polish soldiers,

some of whom would toss him cigarettes, which he proceeded to eat because there was no one there to light them for him. Okay, that feels like projecting. Is that a lie? That says it right there. That feels like projecting to eat because there was no one there to light them for him okay that feels like projecting is that a lie that feels like projecting to me he was just he would have he would have smoked with someone little from mail online why didn't someone fucking light them i don't were you gonna light a cigarette and throw it at a bear why did they throw him a lighter give him a thumbs hey this bear smokes he should know how to use a fucking lighter uh that guy's just probably thinking about war, and he's like, no, I got to eat these fucking cigarettes. He ate big, wet piles of cigarettes because there was no lighter there.

Honestly, that makes me respect him more. Wojtek the bear. What a G. R.I.P. Harambe never served in the military. Harambe never helped defeat the Nazis. Yeah, but he died like he did. I'll just want to point out, John picked a Nazi dog.

I picked a bear that helped defeat the Nazis. So if you're keeping track at home. I think we want to point out John picked a Nazi dog. I picked a bear that helped defeat the Nazis. So if you're keeping track at home... I think we can all agree John's the worst. There's no denying that. So let's find out who else is the worst. Miel, it's time for your next pick.

It's me. Yeah, your fourth pick. I've gone back and forth on this. I think I'm going to continue going rogue since I've set this precedent to be weird if I was like, oh, Cecil the Lion. Like, no, I'm going to go for rogue since I've set this precedent. It'd be weird if I was like, oh, Cecil the lion.

Like, no, I'm going to go for it. I'm choosing the ferret that ate that kid's face and made ferrets illegal. Yeah. That's my choice. I'm in. Just because, again, I'm going for like the credibility of the animal, much less like what people did to the animal because that's not impressive to me. Like I was like, oh, I choose Marnie the dog.

It's like, well, yeah, that's just a person who made that dog famous on Instagram. I don't really respect that. There's no hustle. You've met him? So this happened in Pennsylvania, right? No, California. Oh, it happened in California? In 1992 or something.

Oh, I think it happened again in Pennsylvania recently. No. Honestly, can I just choose the whole breed ferrets? Yes. Can I just choose that species? I think man-eating ferrets is a valid pick. I just think, okay, first of all, you know ferrets are fucking so vicious. And they stink.

They smell so bad. They're so mean. They pee everywhere. They're essentially furry snakes with teeny tiny legs. Yeah. Like little mongoose faces. I mean, mongoose, like they're related, right? They're in the same family.

I think so. Mongoose. Mongoose. Mongoose fucking eat cobras yeah by choice so you could go for a different snake but they're like uh-uh i'm gonna risk my life every time i eat that's a good point so i'm going for a badass like okay mongoose i feel like there's no one specific mongoose i could choose so actually there is there's that one that was on death row i read about it when i heard about that too but i didn't i don't want to go predictable i'm going rogue i'm choosing that ferret that ate that baby's face because he's like a distant relative and he's like you may have taken me out of the wild right but you can't take the wild out of me and there's nothing

more wild than eating a baby's face eating a defenseless sleeping child's face off yeah it happened again recently in pennsylvania Pennsylvania where they had three ferrets and they ate a baby's nose, top lip, and one of the cheeks. Okay, so many questions. Which makes sense. Don't you ever see a baby, you're like, oh, just nom, nom, nom, nom, nom.

Ferrets just follow through on that. Yeah, you just want to nuzzle your face in. Yeah. I want to chew it. But also, the parents of this baby were like, I know this happened in California, but it won't happen to us, right? Even though we have, at this point, a gang of ferrets.

And that was just one ferret. Three ferrets who could work together. Right. Fucking three stooges of ferrets there. What quality in a ferret who decides to eat a baby's face is it that you admire? Well, first of all, that ferret caused all ferrets to become illegal in California. That is still true.

Which I'm grateful for. You can't have pet ferrets. And God bless that day. So I think that that one ferret has so much power still to this day. That's true. And it was a pet purchase at a pet store. To me, I'm like,

yo, that's like a fucking Che Guevara shit. I'm like, you really made a difference, man. We need better ferret control in this country. How about that? We have ferret control, not gun control. That's so true. We're taking collars right now. One ferret ate one face.

No, that's a different point. The Second Amendment did not guarantee ferret ownership, thank God. Oh, thank God. Open interpretation. Yeah, it's true. Who's to say right to bear arms? That could have been ferret arms. Ferrets have four arms. Yep.

Or four legs. Or, you know, maybe it was like you put ferrets through the sleeves of your shirt and you're like, ha ha, these are my arms. They're two living ferrets. I don't know. They're just like smart, long rats.

That's what I'm saying. If He-Man never would have gone off the air, there would have been a villain that was like a dude with ferret arms. Yeah. Absolutely agree. So yeah, just to recap. I've chosen a rat, a eagle, a sparrow, and a ferret.

Excellent. My team is like the Guardians of the Galaxy. They are. A bunch of rejects and losers. It's an eagle and a bunch of gross animals that I don't want anywhere near my home. My Christian home. And that's why my team is so strong. It is a strong.

It's a team of rejects. It's a team of rejects. You've got a real suicide squad going on over here. Yeah, baby. John McKay, it is time for your fourth and fifth picks on the heels of the ferret that ate that kid's face. Wow. I got to hit it with a fifth right after?

Yes, you do. Okay, okay. That's why I have the best position here it is you have time you have time to consider and strategize based on other people's moves absolutely all right well my fourth pick yep is uh an unknown name oh god it is a type of sparrow uh it happened march 24th 2001 in spring training the diamondbacks oh verse no the san francisco giants very nice randy johnson on the mound and he threw a goddamn heater and who was flying at just the right moment? That bird. Yeah.

And then- That thing exploded like it was in a movie. It's so cool. But I feel like, again, you're actually choosing Randy Johnson here. Formerly of the Mariners, I might add. No way. The hat you're wearing right now.

I am choosing a baseball fanatic of a bird who wanted a better view. Do you think that's what it was? Yeah! He loved Randy Johnson, the big unit. He was tired of sitting in the cheap seats. Bird joke.

Bird joke? So not on board. The chirp seats. Big time bird joke. And Mia loves it. And he flew in. The fastball was 102 miles per hour. Wow. Mia loves it. Yeah. And he flew in. The fastball was 102 miles per hour. Wow. Is that true? Yeah.

That ball should not go that fast. That's too fast. A quote from Calvin Murray, who was at the plate, is just all he had to say is, it exploded. Feathers and everything. Just poof. There was nothing but feathers laying on home plate. I never saw the ball. It exploded. Feathers and everything. Just poof. There was nothing but feathers laying on home plate. I never saw the ball.

Nothing but feathers. Your reading of it made him seem like a damaged man. I like that. No, no. He's hurt. No, he thinks about those feathers. He saw a thing that nobody should ever see. Yeah. That is a dope.

That was such a cool moment. It looked like the baseball turned into a poof of feathers. But again, dude, all the animals you're choosing like died. Yeah. Like little rats. Well, P-22's still alive.

True. You got P-22 strong, but all the other ones just went down quick in flames. Can I ask a question? No. How many baseballs

would Randy Johnson have to throw at Harambe to kill him? Just throw him as fast as he can. We'll never know. We'll never know. We'll never know. I don't think unless, okay. Prime big unit.

Not current day big unit. You're talking 95. Prime 95 throwing heat. Number 51. Yeah. I think just one. It depends on where the ball hit. Right.

If it was to the cranium, once. Randy Johnson was more speed. I mean, he could put a ball. So let's say Harambe's sitting at home plate. Yeah. Restrained. So he can't charge the mound. Okay.

Sure. And Randy Johnson has six baseballs to throw at Harambe. And if he doesn't kill Harambe, they let Harambe loose. Who are you putting money on? Randy Johnson. You're putting money on Randy Johnson? I mean, his aim is impeccable, dude. It is.

He's going to get one in the cranium. We're saying Harambe can't move, right? Harambe can't move. No, he's dead. He's dead in one. You think so? Yeah. I mean, assuming this is Randy Johnson at his prime, one to the noggin.

But that's like a thick neck, you know? Gorillas have the thickest skulls. They have really thick skulls. You don't think 102 miles... How fast does a bullet go i don't know six thousand miles an hour maybe that feels right feels right could be 20 million miles an hour and yeah just someone that's divided by the speed of light so i think if he could throw a baseball at that velocity and that size it would right here in the solar plex that's what that's called in the fucking nose bone right in the crown yeah in the fucking whatever that synopsis yeah right between the eyes yeah you

know the synopsis but then jimmy from the zoo will just be like don't worry randy i got this shoots him i'm taking harambe randy johnson six only six baseballs and randy johnson knows that he knows that you think he cracks under the pressure? Yeah, I do. I don't think Randy Johnson could take down Harambe in six balls. You don't think he could even take one? I don't think so either. He could even hit him one in the kneecap.

Do girls have kneecaps? Oh. No, that would just incite Harambe. No, it would knock him out. What if he throws in his huge balls? Oh, see, there you go. He's out. He's down.

He can't run. He can't even charge Randy Johnson. I might be with me all on this one now. 102 mile an hour fastball could pop a gorilla's testicle. That's what I'm saying. And then he's, I mean, he maybe won't die, but he's not going to be able to kill Randy Johnson. I might be with me all on this one now. 102 mile an hour fastball could pop a gorilla's testicle. That's what I'm saying. And then he's, I mean, he maybe won't die, but he's not going to be able to kill Randy Johnson. We got to keep moving.

Sorry. Sorry. It's an excellent conversation, though. I'm so sorry. Please tweet in with who you think would win in a fight. Harambe versus. Oh, yeah. Please tweet in.

John, it's time for your final pick. I'm going with the freeway llamas. Oh, the freeway llamas are good. I was about to choose the free Llamas. Oh, the Freeway Llamas are good. I was about to choose the Freeway Llamas. Yeah. Damn it. Our first theft. Freeway Llamas is a good pick.

It's a great pick. The Freeway Llamas was just some fun. See, you were criticizing me, saying that I was picking all this morbid shit. And now... No, it's a good one. The Freeway Llamas, yeah, they broke out,

and they just wanted a stroll. And sure, they fucked up traffic a good one. The freeway llamas, yeah, they broke out and they just wanted a stroll. And sure, they fucked up traffic a little bit. And they got a lot of police presence for just being two llamas. You know those are Lorenzo llamas' kids. Yes, yes, yes. The freeway llamas. Yeah, yeah. They're out of control.

That was a fun day when the llamas got loose. Where did that happen again? I believe it was Arizona. arizona the freeway llamas yeah yep we all rooted for them they're bonnie and clyde but llamas and they weren't robbing where they've ended up uh i don't know terry from the gym took care of him i like to think of terry like a fun millionaire history here like a fun millionaire. Terry's just all over history. Like a fun millionaire at bottom. Yeah. It was just funny that on all of national television, with everything going on in the world, there was just llamas. Everyone wanted it on those llamas, dude. Llamas were just running around and they're like, stop everything.

Fuck Syria. Put the llamas on. That was the benefit of the Obama presidency. Under Trump, there will be no news day slow enough that we just get six hours of llamas. No. Yeah. Never again. There's going to be wars and weird scandals and shit.

But under Obama, all the bad shit was secret. Yep. You know? Big time. So we could be distracted by llamas. And rats. And rats. And harambes. And sessles. And sessles. Yep we could be distracted by llamas. And rats. And rats. And Harambes.

And Cecil's. And Cecil's. Yep. And ferrets who eat children. Excellent pick. I agree we should ban ferrets forever. Yeah. But we should keep llamas right out in the open.

Excellent pick, Johnny McKay. Thank you. Excellent draft. Miel Bredo. It is time for your final pick. Well, now I'm scrambling now because I was going to choose those llamas. Well, now you can't. The llamas are scrambling too, but they figured it out.

Yeah. They're in the time of their goddamn lives. I think I have a pick that I can – it defies my previous logic, but I think I can defend it. And that is the obvious, the famous, the legendary Balto. Oh, yeah. Balto is on my i was gonna go ball that's a great one okay so i was saying before i'm not going for the big famous ones because i'm doing the

the suicide squad team here even the suicide squad had the joker on it balto's kind of like yeah and the reason why i'm choosing balto balto is a pick that absolutely doesn't get credit as an animal the people that forced him like okay if you don't Balto is, it's so funny to me. He's a sled dog in, like, Alaska in, I don't know, like, the 30s or something. I don't really remember. 1924. There you go.

He was there during, like, a, I want to say influenza breakout. Diphtheria. Diphtheria. Thank you. And he was the sled dog responsible for transporting the vaccine to like the highly affected village or something. No, Alaska. There you go. Yeah.

I should have probably read the specifics. I'm more of like a general person. The story is really- Yeah. I'm just happy to fill in the details. Thank you. I'm not mad that you picked Balta. And so he was the sled dog that carried this vaccine.

And so he was the sled dog that carried this vaccine. And for some reason, the entire, I guess, world idolizes the dog that was literally just a husky strapped to a sled. No, he was a hero dog. That's what's so funny to me. And that's why I'm choosing him. Because people like, I think people want to fuck Balto for real. There's statues of him everywhere. There's one in Central Park.

There's literally, they're all over the place. Yeah. And they're like, he's a hero. This heroic, brave dog. And I'm like, he's literally just a sled dog. He saved his team. No. He ran through whiteout conditions. Yeah, but he was forced to.

Couldn't see six inches in front of his precious little dog face. Yeah. And he soldiered on anyway. No. Getting the diphtheria medicine to a town whose port had been closed for the winter. My point is. And without Balto. Who was the guy? You know a lot about Balto. I love Balto.

Who was gonna be the fucking sled driver there? His name was Dale? No. See my point is you don't fucking know that guy's name. And that guy is the one that took this team of dogs through whiteout conditions into a sick city to deliver a vaccine. And we don't know his name,

but we know the fucking dog's name. All he did was stand there and yell mush. And all the dog did was mush. He mushed. The dog was born into mushing slavery. If Dale Herndonvangen, which was his real name. It's traditional Inuit. If he would have hooked himself up to the front of that sled and just been sprinting. Yeah.

See, listen. By the point is. I'd have more respect. That's like a CrossFit exercise. Answer me this. A riddle, if you will. Riddle me this. Suicide Squad me this.

We know Paul Revere's name. Yes. We don't know the horse's name. No. But also Paul Revere. So why is it the inverse for Balto? Interesting fact. Much like Paul Revere.

You mean Mush. Mush. I'm so sorry. I just called the cops. Mush, like Paul Revere. Balto wasn't actually the most heroic dog. There was another dog. I forget its name.

Alpha and Omega. I saw that. Well, yeah. There was another dog that ran a much harder route that nobody talks about. Yeah. But true Iditarod heads celebrate that dog. Know that Davey Havoc did the Iditarod. For real, though.

How do you know this? He sure did. Did the Iditarod? I was a big AFI fan. Oh, my God. Did he really? Yes, he did. Is it a she now, too?

No, I think he's- What band is that? It's AFI. AFI. Follow me in the- Fire inside. Yes. The singer works out of my gym.

That's him, Davey Havoc. Ask him about the Iditarod sometimes. Davey Dave Havoc. Ask him about the idea. Dave Havoc did. Ask him about the idea. Ask him about Balto and see if he gets angry. Hey, how do you feel about Balto? He's going to be like that overrated... Fuck Balto.

Regular rask husky. At best, he's the second best dog. So who's... Do you know the name of the more famous dog? No. So... And I refuse to look it up. Thanks for sharing.

Yeah, Lonnie. But like Paul Revere, Paul Revere didn't... Paul Revere ran like a much shorter... Wrote a much shorter route than this other dude. But Paul Revere, Paul Revere didn't, Paul Revere ran like a much shorter, wrote a much shorter route than this other dude. But Paul Revere, but Longfellow wrote a poem about Paul Revere instead because his name rhymed better. Yeah. And also he was like hot and like a great blacksmith.

Oh yeah. Paul Revere. I was just in Boston. Long, ropey, sinewy, chiseled. Fingers. Fingers. Can hold a couple lanterns. With which to all riding a horse.

Oh, Togo was the other dog's name. Togo? Yeah. So like the chain that sells sandwiches? Yeah. Like Togo. Oh, so he still got, he did okay. Yeah.

Is it Togo or to go? I say Togo, but only because I prefer it that way. Togo was the star dog for Leonard Cipolla even before the great 1925 serum run. When Leonard was one of the guys, one of the mushers, Leonard Cipolla even before the great 1925 serum run when Leonard was one of the guys, one of the mushers Leonard Cipolla. Instead of celebrating the triumph together as one huge team, many became jealous of the publicity Balto received.

Especially from President Calvin Coolidge. Fucking Coolidge. Classic Calvin. Cipolla flavored Togo, but the general public loved the story behind Balto and so they would take a far different path after the celebrations were over.to is not welcomed at the ceremony in new york see so that's why i want balto on my team because he's a fucking celebrity he's nobody the wonder dog but he's pretty just want to hang out with the celebs no i think my team it needs like a hero

yeah and i'm choosing balto because even though balto's just a regular ass dog yeah he's got a lot of pull he could fill a show a lot of pull. He could fill a show. A lot of pull? Yeah. Like a sled? Oh, God. I didn't even mean to say that. Yeah. But I very much did. Great pick.

Great pick. Too much. We've moved on to the final pick. It is incumbent upon me to close out the draft. It's no longer Balto. And I am going to take a, I think, God, this is tough. This is tough. No pressure.

I'm going to take an animal that Jess left us earlier this week. Tilikum, the killer whale, the orca, a murderer whale. As they are. As they are. They are killer whales. Tilikum is the main whale from the movie Blackfish. Yep. Who is at SeaWorld.

Just died at SeaWorld. Yeah. Died young. Granny, by the way, died up in Puget Sound, a 106-year-old orca. Yeah, I remember. Natural causes. Yep. R.I.P. Granny, but also R.I.P.

Tilikum. I'm still holding out. They haven't found her. They haven't? They haven't. No. She just disappeared. When they do, though, get that barbecue going.

It'll be on Beach on Woodbine. Y'all motherfuckers thought I was dead. Tilikum was much like, I don't know if anybody saw the TV show The Night Of this year on HBO. Just finished it two nights ago. Now, that was an innocent person who was changed by prison. And so was Tilikum. Tilikum didn't go into that tank of murderer but the inside turned him into one some i'm one of the whales from the wire got a hold of him and turned him into a crew i'm

just like i'm just curious at what point is it murder because they i mean killer whales kill they do constantly but if it's a human now we're upset about it right humans are just animals man i don't think i don't think the inside changed him i think he was once a murderer always a murderer okay well that's that's your take and i think it was the moment the inside changed him. I think he was once a murderer, always a murderer. Okay, well, that's your take. And I think it was the moment the money changed hands. Tilikum was paid to kill that. Oh, it was an inside job. He was paid to kill that traitor. By who?

He became a businessman. The Illuminati. Of course. By Jay-Z, which is why I'm now killing Jay-Z. Of course. For getting Tilikum involved in this life of crime. Yes. As someone from the Pacific Northwest.

Because ultimately it damaged his name irreversibly. Yeah. Poor Tilikum. Not to be confused with Tillamook, cheese company from Oregon. Wow. Yes. As someone from the Pacific Northwest. Because ultimately it damaged his name irreversibly. Yeah. Poor Tillicum. Not to be confused with Tillamook, cheese company from Oregon. Wow. Yes. Ooh, delicious. Great cheese.

Sharp or medium? Pretty good ice cream. Sharp. Extra sharp. Formerly extra sharp. Formerly? Pre-vegan. Oh, vegan.

Wow. Okay. So RIP Tillicum. RIP the famous animal draft. Just to recap our picks. They're all dead. John McKay, you went with Harambe. And then P-22.

And then Hitler's dog, Blondie. And then the bird that Randy Johnson hit with a baseball. And then the freeway llamas. Miel Bredo, you went with Pizza Rat. Uncle Sam, the eagle that spazzed on Donald Trump. Bernie Bird, probably friends with Uncle Sam at this point, at least doing the publicity circuit together. That ferret that ate that kid's face in California back in the day.

Absolutely. And Balto. And Balto. Ian Carmel, which is me, went with Punxsutawney Phil, Buddy the Wonder Dog, who played Air Bud and Comet from Full House. The Tsavo Man-Eating Lions. Hell yes. Wojtek, the drunken, cigarette-smoking, Polish munition-carrying bear.

And then I wrapped it all up with Tilikum, the murdering killer whale. Are all of yours... Who just died this week. Murderers? Carmel loves blood. Pugs of Tiny Phil I don't think has killed before, but maybe. We don't know. He has bit the Illuminati guy.

Nor has Buddy the Wonder Dog. That we know of. Who's to say? He was huge in the 90s. He could have been involved in some illicit shit. I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah. But the Tassavo Man-Eaters, Wojtek also.

Yeah. I got some hitters on my team. Your last three picks were big time predators. I got some real hitters. Thank you guys so much for participating in All Fantasy Everything. Thanks for having us. Thank you for listening to All Fantasy Everything. T for having us. Thank you for listening to All Fantasy Everything. Tune in next week for another

brand new episode. That was a Hate Gum Podcast.