All Fantasy Everything - Fictional Apocalypse Survival Team (w/ Shaker Samman, Sean Jordan and David Gborie)

Episode Date: January 23, 2020

We don't think the world is coming to an end by any means, but it is fun to think about how you would do if it did! That's why we took some time this week to draft Fictional Apocalypse Survival Teams! Now head outside with your closest friends, start a garbage fire and enjoy this weeks installment of All Fantasy Everything! Episode Guest:Shaker Samman @ShakerSamman IG: @shakersammanSupport the show!Sponsors:TodayTix: Go to todaytix.com/fantasy and use promo code FANTASY to get ten-dollars off your first purchase.CBS All Access: Get your first week of CBS All Access for free and stream Star Trek: Picard now by visiting CBS.com/Fantasy.Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that got some flowers, lit a candle. You know, there's some beautiful January daylight trickling in through the windows. What kind of flowers are those? White ones. Let me guess. If I would have to guess, I would say. He just got a bunch of virgins standing on the table.

You didn't like it? No, I didn't like it. Are those posies? I don't know. Pansies. I think it might be dogwood, but I think that's wrong, too. You know what I'm talking about, ladies. Parker Posies did.

I don't know what I meant by that. Yes, ladies, it's like a tube of lipstick. Wait, what are you talking about? You said dogwood. Oh, dogwood. Oh. And I was like, wait. Now, just to tune everyone in who wasn't at the conversation before we hit record.

Yeah. I didn't graduate from the University of South Dakota. I'm not a doctor or anything like that. No, no, no. That's the only place doctors come from. If you want your house to smell less like weed, the main thing to do is to stop smoking weed in it. You're bringing this bit up now. I was just joking because I have a dartboard now.

I feel like my house is more inclined to smell like weed than it usually is. You call it a dartboard. It's more like a shield because you're deflecting with it right now. Listen, I switched from blunts to joints in the New Year's. I'm doing okay. That's progress. That's a big step. Yeah.

I didn't realize how blizzard I was all the time year's i'm doing progress that's a big step yeah i didn't realize how blizzard i was all the time dude i've been eating animals like when i get home i bet i'll do like 30 milligrams and then like the other day i tried to just get stoned with just like smoking a joint i'm like this isn't doing anything yeah i'm gonna take a break kill me would it really oh absolutely like the most i'll do is i'll take like 15 and then i'm like oh i can't leave my house for a couple days i'll do 20 and then like Like the most I'll do is I'll take like 15 and then I'm like, oh, I can't leave my house for a couple of days. I'll do 20 and then like an hour later, I'll do the next 10.

See, you know what has been fucking me up lately? Brie Pruitt bought me an iced coffee yesterday and I was jacked. Yeah, dude. Well, you're not a coffee man. No, I'm drinking this tea and I kind of feel it. Yeah. I've had one cup of coffee in my entire life. Really?

Not a coffee guy. Are you serious? Yeah. When was it? It was. Wait, then why were you at Starbucks, you psychopath? Because I was getting a breakfast sandwich and some tea. They got great breakfast sandwiches.

Great breakfast sandwiches. They really do. People throw shade at those. They're out of their mind. That's a great breakfast sandwich. I was like 13 or 14. I was living in Charlottesville, Virginia for the summer. Yeah.

And no, sorry, 15. Classic summertime. It was 15. My uncle was a professor there. I was working with him duringesville, Virginia for the summer. Yeah. And no, it was 15. My uncle was a professor there. I was working with him during the day and then volunteering. It was 2012 volunteering for the Obama campaign. And there was this girl on the break. He's a, he's a chemist. So I was working in his chem lab trying to like,

what are you talking about? Well, shocker thought the world was going to end. So I was making Molly in a lab. Okay. It was, it was, uh, this is was, so Breaking Bad was based on us. What summer was this? 2012? Just 2012.

Wanted to have one last bitch in summer. I think I pissed my pants that summer. Yeah, but there was this girl, there was this girl who was also volunteering there who I had such a crush on. Oh yeah.

And she would always drink coffee and I'd be like, I got to get into coffee. And I had one like, like iced coffee with milk in it and I was like, this is fucking awful. You thought it was gross?

I was gross. Tasting or feeling? Just tasting. And I was like, this is fucking awful. You thought it was gross? Tasting or feeling? Just tasting and I was just like, not for me. Oh, you gotta church it up. Yeah, I don't like the, you gotta like put some stuff in there. Yeah, maybe not like the best way to like dip my toes into the coffee world. You know what the Irish do? You just put some Baileys in it? Throw a little

what have you in there. Yamason. It's the funniest way. Can I have two shots of Yamason? Excuse me, sir. What have you in there? Yamazon. It's the funniest way. Hello, Yamazon. Can I have two shots of Yamazon? Yamazon. Excuse me, sir. Shots in Mexico. With the Yamazon flow. Dos Yamazon, por favor.

Dos Yamazon. You just take a little sip, throw it back. Mas Yamazon, por favor. That should be your next album. Mas Yamazon. I bet gasoline tastes gross too, but cars needed to go. That's my sort of thing with coffee.

It doesn't smell too bad. You know what I'm talking about? It's a weird bit to try to bring back. It is. Dog dicks. Gasoline. Now I just want to sing Gasolina. And I don't think it's the time or the place.

That was Daddy Yankee, right? Probably. Father Yankee, please. Be respectful. Bless me, Father Yankee, for I have sinned. It's Father Yankee and Daddy John Misty now. Daddy John Misty. Daddy John Misty. Listen, if ever there was a man who earned the title

of Daddy, it's Father John Misty. Have you seen him? He's just walking sex. He is quite the daddy. No, I don't know what he looks like. Hold on, let me Google this. If you Google Josh Tillman, it'll come up. He just fucked somebody in Silver Lake and is walking to fuck somebody else in Silver Lake. He looks like Silver Lake as a person.

He sounds like it, too. I like Daddy John Mista. I like Daddy John Mista, too. We're going to go from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery all the way to Chateau Lobby No. 4. Yeah, those are songs. That's how you guys think this guy looks? I knew you were going to go from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery all the way to Chateau Lobby number four. Uh-huh. Yeah, those are songs. I know music. That's how you guys think this guy looks?

I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to look at him and be like, oh. I saw him perform once in New York, and I was like, oh, no, no. I get it now. You got it? Yeah, yeah. He was in Fleet Foxes, right? Yes.

He was only for one album. The good one. The good album, though. Well, they were all good. The great album. Yes. I think this guy looks like he sells pills. He probably does. He does. Like a gorgeous Molly Dillard. He takes them, too. Yes. I think this guy looks like he sells pills. He probably does.

He does. Like a gorgeous Molly dealer. He takes them too. Yeah. Oh, he takes them. Yeah. He took them first. That's how he got into it.

He's the kind of dude like, yo, you don't think it's good, Molly? He just pops one. It's not poison. I'll tell you that. He does look like the kind of dude who's like way too quick to show you his dick. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's out there.

Like you've known each other for like two days and you go swimming and he's just like, oh, we're skinny dipping? Yeah. You have shorts on. Just go listen to the song I Love You Honey Bear

and come back and tell me if it doesn't put you in the mood. It's good, man. You want me to listen to that next to my dartboard? Yeah. Have you been putting faces

on the dartboard, by the way? No, nobody does that. You've asked me that like four times. Do you think David is like a bully from an 80s movie? Lloyd put Ari's face on his dart board. Lloyd!

A little entourage dig for the real ones out there. Nicholas Nampe, not in the studio, not in the house, not on mic, was down here. We watched so much. Right before, over the New Year's holiday, so we could go see the Oregon Ducks really just sort of take the hammer, bring the lumber

right upside, right upside the Wisconsin Badgers head. By the way, they saw Valentine's Day weekend comedy on state. Man, that's going to be fun, dude. Shaka, you saw it. I was there. I saw it up close and personal. I saw you guys. You guys were pretty deep into your cuffs, but having some fun. A woman came up and asked

Ian for a picture and he obliged. That's right. That And he obliged Very kind I couldn't tell There's a lot of Oregon people So I'm like it could have been anything She didn't specify Could have been my mixtape Could have been my line of custom hoverboards

Could have been Justin and Meyer Of me at the courts Absolutely She could just like thick dudes. Yeah. She's just out there taking pictures with them. Let me just put this up on my picture. Excuse me, sir.

She has a scrapbook. So I couldn't help but notice that the inside thighs on your pants have worn quite raw. Can I get a picture? She likes them built for comfort. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got nothing.

Excuse me, sir. You look safe. But we were watching. Sir, if I sleep next to you, I won't need covers on my bed. That's right. This just reminds me. Do you get fat guy camaraderie in crowds? Sometimes. I try to always

gin it up. I remember this just remember this happened this just reminded me of this i don't know why when i was on tour with eric andre yeah we were in like a suburban going through like a heavily trafficked area like on a saturday night yeah sounds about right and i rolled down the window because i saw a fat dude across the way i was like, hey, big man, let me get a slice. Because he had a box of pizza. Okay. And then he did. What?

Yeah. And now every time I see Eric, I say, hey, big man, let me get a slice. That's beautiful. Yeah, it was awesome. Of course I want to live in that world. Yeah. More fat guys all over the place. Guys, fat guys listening, if you guys are walking around with pizza, just, hey, big man, let me get a slice.

That's the new wave. A box of pizza. Yeah, it's the new version of like the a slice. That's the new wave. Oh, boxed pizza. Yeah, it's the new version of like the dude I nod to. But he was like giving it out to me. The trucker salute. Let me get a slice. Let me get a slice. Like, that'll be our cool big guy talk.

That's the big dude thing. All right. All right, we're doing it. Lock it in. It's in. Hey, big man, let me get a slice. Sorry, you guys don't have any culture. Yeah, sorry, guys.

Sean, let's get a lot of weight. You're crushing like some more. Damn. I like that you put Shocker and I on the same page. Shocker is looking very good. Shocker looks like a fucking supermodel. I got these Mick shorts on over here. You realize the last five times I've seen you,

four of them you've been wearing these shorts. They're nice shorts. The Celtics haven't worn those shorts that much this season. I'll have a glass of Jameson in this hand in a half hour probably with these shorts on. So by the way, for everybody listening, these are the same shorts that you've been hearing about for the last three episodes.

The Celtics City Edition shorts. Your hair looks great though. I thought they were like... Thank you. I was in the bathroom putting my contacts in and I said it to myself. I was like, I'm having a bitching hair day. You're having a great hair day.

Did you put that up? We're going to have to leave the house. I was like, I'm having a bitching hair day. Did you really get up? We're going to have to leave that. It was just like this when I woke up. I ran my hand through it, but there's nothing in it. So what you're telling me is you woke up like this? Yeah. I didn't have the sweatshirt on. I don't think he got it off. Flawless.

I didn't get it explained. I woke up like this. Everybody stop while Shocker explains a joke to me, please. Okay, so there's this artist, popular recording artist. Her name is Beyonce. There's an accent on the E. Recently beat her out for an Emmy. It's right there. By the way, you beat her out for that? Oh yeah, homecoming.

Was there a tussle over the black belt? Because it's all strewn about. Listen. Come on, man. I don't know how to roll it up. You know the vibes. Something happened, you know? Yeah, it's that kind of podcast. Yeah, it's that kind of podcast, man. I don't know how to roll it up. You know the vibes. Something happened, you know? Yeah, it's that kind of podcast.

Yeah, it's that kind of podcast, ultimately. Sean has joined in the studio. Oh, Nan Pei was here, and we just watched so much Entourage. We went out a couple nights, and it was fun, and then we just watched so much Entourage. He gave me these shorts. He gave you those shorts? What a sweetheart.

How kind. Well, it was one of those where I think you walked out and you're like, hey, you guys cool with not doing anything tonight? We're like, we're doing something. We are doing something right here. I was with the people that I wanted to be with. That's right. Doing what I wanted to do. It was great. Those people were Vince

Drama, Turtle E, Ari Lloyd, Mrs. Ari, and then a random celebrity every now and again. James Cameron. He just loved Aquaman, guys. Love Aquaman. Remember Mary J. Blige? That's right.

Bless her heart. But like the agency made a huge deal about Mary J. Blige coming in. You're like, I don't know about all that. I mean, she's a very famous, amazing person. I'm going to punch you right in the face. David. I'm going to wrap my right in the face. David. I'm going to wrap my hands around your throat till you pass away. Well, funny thing about

my dick is I nicknamed it the throat, so you can wrap your hands around the throat. No, that was dirty. No, take it back, David. That's like some shit you hear at a punk bar. Yeah, I'm going to go. No, you don't

we need to take this on together Sean S. Jordan in the studio Sean Cougar Mel Jordan on Instagram Sean S. Jordan on Twitter Sean P. Jordan in real life Sean St. Clampassie in the whoop whoop whoop somebody tweeted or something there's gonna be an ICP show in February I think in LA

yeah I tweeted that at you was he in class? he was your best friend. I wish that I could go dress like this and not have anyone think it was a joke. They won't think that if you know the words. I think you could go. I'll go with you.

I don't think I know the current words, but I want to go. You don't think they're going to play the hits? They're going to play Chicken Hunt. It's not a five-hour concert. They've got a lot of hits. Yeah, but they'll probably have people open it up. They're going to play Chicken Hunt. They got a lot. It's not a five-hour concert. They got a lot of hits, but... Yeah, I mean, but they'll probably have people open it up. They're twisted in misery. I can tell you right now who's going to be opening it up. Listen, I will go to that show

with you. I'd go. If you were both going, I'd go to it. Dude, it's still the best show. That and Gwar, the best two shows I've ever seen in my whole life. Listen, I'm down to go. Ian's down. I'll go. I'm kicking around the idea. I really would like to- Why should we not? Just go sit in the back

because I don't want to look like an asshole. The Juggalos are nice, welcoming people. And like- I'm just saying, I've been around LA. There's not a ton of Juggalos who dress like Juggalos. Yeah, there'll be some like- I bet you they're around. I bet you it's-

Yeah, but everybody's not going to be in their dress blues. You know what I mean? There's going to be some people in civvies for sure. It's not a funeral but everybody's not going to be in their dress blues. You know what I mean? There's going to be some people in civvies for sure. It's not a funeral. There's going to be some CAA interns who just got off of work. Yeah. Well, anyway.

Now, what... If you're listening to this on Thursday, which you will be, you will have just missed me on Sioux Falls, local television. That's what I was wondering. When is the snow jam show? It's this weekend.

Yeah. It's January. It's Saturday. Pete's sake. And, uh, it's it. Remedy.

Every fucking show. I get a little bit more information. Yeah. Uh, yeah. It's a remedy brewing. Yeah. Eight o'clock. Yes. Or eight 30. Sure. Anyway, right. Yeah. It's at Remedy Brewing. Yes. Eight o'clock.

Yes. Or 830. Sure. Anyway, right in there. Be there at eight. I'll be on. Damn it. I'm doing, I'm doing Sioux Falls local television.

This is a big deal to me. I wanted to do it forever. I'm getting up and doing the morning show. Are you going to do cooking with Sean? What are you going to do? No, just some interview where I'm more than likely a little out of it because it'll be six in the morning and I'll be in Sioux Falls. Wear a tuxedo.

Oh. Do something. Sean, I've been watching your public access show. Now, Sean, we're here with local boy turned Hollywood, Sean Jordan. Wow. They just, it's all about, so what's the weather like in Hollywood right now? I don't know.

It's six in the morning in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Can you actually wear shorts in January? Now, have you ever been at the same coffee shop as Shia LaBeouf? Now that sign. Talk about that sign there. Is that as big as the Kelo Land sign that isn't real?

Oh, it's fun to have fun. Go to Snow Jam on Saturday. Go to Snow Jam. My mom will be there. Miss Ellison will be there. I have his name. All the deep cuts, it'll be there. Rat, is Rat going to be there? Yeah, Rat will probably be there. Rat will be there. Frat will be there. No, Frat won't be there. I have his name. All the deep cuts that'll be there. Rat? Is Rat going to be there?

Yeah, Rat will probably be there. Rat will be there. Frat will be there. No, Frat won't be there. Frat won't be there. Rat will be there. Is Frat Ratstab? No, Frat and Rat are unrelated. Frat and Rat are... God, why do we start? We started calling Frat Frat because he was just like kind of a dick for a long time. He's not now,

but he was like, just had something to prove. So we just called him Frat because he was like a frat boy. And Rat was just like kind of a dick for a long time he's not now but he was like just had something to prove so we just called him frat because he was like a frat boy and uh rat just because his last name is retell me so all right there it is punk rock sausage it's gonna be there what about samurai pizza cat i don't know how this kid got the nickname but yeah this kid used to call punk rock sausage punk rock was like a Punk Rock was like a, but that was like a nickname because we had Punk Rock Josh. We had Punk Rock Ben, Punk Rock Cindy, Punk Rock Zach. Yeah.

Did you have any Punk Rocks? No, we didn't have any Punk Rocks. She hates that now, by the way. She's an adult. She's the mother. I can't imagine having a nickname that I just completely hated, though. I don't know. Beaver's been my nickname. Yeah, you don't mind it, right?

Punk Rock Beaver, dude. You start calling me Punk Rock B. Ladies! I'm going to get a good one off. David Boyd in the studio as well. I'm in the portions. It's all the dudes. I'm in here. I'm sniffing the pansies. I'm noticing the TV's still got the Drake videos up.

A couple of Drake looks at us. Drake's staring at David right now. Right before. got the Drake videos. Well, Drake looks at us. We were watching Drake videos. Drake's staring at David right now. Right before. We were going deep. The G is silent on Twitter. Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram. That's what they call me.

What do you got coming up, man? Ah, man, you know what? Just come to Faded every Friday. Oof. 75, 51, Melrose Ave. Boy, get your tickets on Monday cause that shit been selling out it's so good the new venue

it's crazy good that's awesome I don't know if I ever publicly spoke on how much I hated the old venue it was really but I definitely privately spoke on it

it was really bad yeah nobody liked it this new one Mike was doing the best he could but like yeah no shade on anybody yeah it just

it didn't work out it was not the right fit but this new one it was a baggy condom of a place it was uh it was you this new one. It was a baggy condom of a place. It was. It was. You know what it was?

It was a magnum when you know you don't live like that. All right. You know what I'm talking about? There was, you know, come on. Get a Lifestyles. Enjoy yourself. That's right. Yeah.

This new place is great. It's above the Von Dutch store, which is hilarious. You can get a grill right downstairs. You can get a grill right downstairs you can get a grill downstairs next door von dutch with those hat those trucker hat ass fucking they made shirts it was very like the entourage you see a lot of them rich stepdad clothes yeah stepdad yeah okay a lot of guys fucking your aunt yeah yeah. Some dudes you definitely don't like piping your mom. Yeah.

Your sister's new boyfriend. Anyways, yeah. I, yeah. Come to Faded on Fridays. It's been so much fun. Other than that, you know, I'm doing staying up around LA. Catch me.

I'm not really going on the road super anytime soon, so don't worry about that. But, you know, just keep me in your heart and, you know, maybe, maybe, maybe maybe maybe i'm on an episode of television your boy might pop up on maybe sports center top 10 that's what it is

maybe he's acting maybe maybe maybe he's got an acting gig next week we don't know we don't know and then he's gonna pop up on a on a tv show people like we literally don't know because we haven't talked about it i have no idea you're throwing it at me all right off air can we marissa bleep it out yeah sure and we're back uh yeah so i'm gonna be on exciting news yeah i'm gonna be on cops little rock for some reason i don't even it was crazy it was you and uh darren mcfadden dude you were running you were the underground hog ring yeah you, man. I was this fight over a butterfly knife. Yeah, you set the knife

down and got a fist fight over it was I'd rather get in a butterfly flight over a fist. I know. I don't know you and Jerry Jones got kicked out of a Bojangles dude. That's what it was, which was crazy because we owned that. You we you put a couple bucks in

you know, I threw some chips on the table owned the nets but actually had like a fraction of a percent what if i was the owner what if i was best friends with jerry jones like i just called him jj jj and we just that's jj me and jerry jones walk into a bar what are you gonna do god that'd be awesome say what's up to jerry jones is what i to do. Pie face you and talk to Jerry Jones. JJ. He calls me something super weird. What up, right guard? He's probably like a vaguely racist Republican

billionaire and I still feel like we'd all get along great. I feel like we'd all get along great. Yeah, I bet you he pounds Yamazon. Oh, he loves the Yamazon. Oh yeah, dude, that guy pounds it. Maui Yamazon. But yeah, so that's me.

There it is. Shocker. Is it Saman? Saman. I've never said it out loud. I've never said it out loud. Damn, son, where'd you get that last name? From Syria. Wow, alright. You know, your country's

been in the news. It's fine. Yeah. For what? It was for Eurovision, right? Something like that. Yeah. You're not going to worry about.

I actually believe it's pronounced Soraya, but that's cool, man. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Having a Yamazon in Soraya. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that serious? Celebrity dating up? Soraya. Hey, keep your nose in the books, kid. You'll be as funny as me one of these days.

We got to get you on there. Get me on there. It is a wasteland just like all the others. But I want to be on there so bad. I mean, I don't really, but I just want to. You can be on for just friends. Dude, I've been weightlifting for years. It took me a while.

I thought you said, okay, I know you said weightlifting, but I thought you just out of nowhere said, dude, I've been weightlifting for years. I did hear that. The first time I absolutely heard that. For a second, I was like, what the fuck does that have to do with anything? No, he's putting on muscle

so that he looks good when he gets to Raya. We're talking about Raya Davis just looking at his phone like, dude, I've been weightlifting for years. That's really what I heard. He's not on there to find ages. I try to find people he can fight. Yeah. Oh, dude, I got recognized in the gym the other day.

Really? That shit's fun. Were you doing that thing where your legs go wide and you press them in? That's the funniest thing for me to do. Are you a comedian? I'm actually working on my thighs right now. I'm trying to work my dick out. I'm working my inner thighs. If you could get the... I'm just trying to peak my right now. I'm trying to work my dick out. I'm working on my inner thighs. I'm just trying to

peak my body. You're a comedian. He was like, Anthony sucks. You never specified how he recognized it. He just came up. He's like, you're that guy that was in prison for beating women. I was like, what are you talking about? That's crazy.

That was a crazy joke. Even Jason Kidd missed a jump's crazy. That felt bad. I don't like it. I was okay. Yeah, that was a crazy joke. It's okay. Even Jason Kidd missed a jump shot every now and then. He missed a lot of them. You're Jason Kidd, you fucking idiot. By the way, that wasn't a funny joke at all. Oh, I also wanted to, yeah. Oh, wow.

Oh, now we're both in it together. That might be the third thing that I asked Marissa to delete from the podcast ever. You're going to make us an Aperol Spritz. I got Aperol. You see that? I was walking down the street. Oh, you do have Aperol. It's a strange world.

Maybe it's the third world. Maybe it's his first time around. He speaks the language. Is that the red stuff? He holds no currency. Yeah. Is that the red stuff? He's a foreign man.

Yeah. Bone digger. Bone digger. You're getting ready for summer? That's a summer drink. It's a summer drink. But it's LA, baby. Yeah, it's always LA.

It's in the sun. It's Glendale, baby. Wait, is that drink, but it's LA, baby. Yeah, it's always LA. It's in the sun of China. It's Glendale, baby. Wait, is that bitter Aperol? Yeah, yeah, a little bit. Oh, that was the one that we got. Campari is what we were drinking. When we were in Chicago?

Yeah, Campari. Where I was like, this is not as tasty as I thought it was. Oh, before the show. And I also have that. Okay. If you want a bad, I love it, but like. Here's something I did at the old gym. I broke one of the seats or I didn't break it,

but I didn't know how to not so strong that he broke the bench. What do you mean? This isn't made for lift and I lifted it. No, I broke it and then I just stared at it for a second. I was like, well, I can't,

I don't know what to do. Then I just looked around, made sure nobody was staring at me and I just walked away like a child. Just left it for the, like when you clog a toilet and you're like, well, nobody's in line. It's you're like, I don't know. Well, if nobody's in line

for the best. limitations on that. Unbreaking gym equipment? Yeah. Forever. I mean, they're going to take you to jail, Sean.

You're going to prison, dude. Good. I can work out more, bro. Shocker's a writer for The Ringer. Hit me. And a wronger everywhere else, baby.

Hey. I need Twitter buyouts. All right. There it is. Okay. That one worked. Hey. There it is. That one worked. I'll get it. Graduate of Duke University? That is true.

For some reason, they gave me a degree. I used to wear a lot of your collegiate gear when I was a crip. Believe it or not. It's a nice shade of blue. It's a royal blue. It's got a devil on it. A blue devil? Because you're a snoopy little devil that loves to crip.

Snoopy little devil loves to crip. We should get a giant leather jacket. That's what we're going to get you for your wedding. A Snoopy leather jacket? It's a 5X Snoopy leather jacket. But Snoopy's dressed like a crip. Ian's kind of dabbing right now, by the way. He's dressed like a crip.

And then like blue bandana interior. Yeah, blue bandana interior. And then you just have to wear it on the dance floor at your wedding, dude. I've been telling people I'm going to get a grill for your wedding, so. I'll crip walk straight to the annulment after that. You know, you wouldn't be the first to pull that move in a Snoopy jacket. Yeah, we need to get divorced. I found out that she's a blood, so.

Shocker, where can you direct people? Where can people read your work? Any specific pieces lately? At Shocker Simone across all platforms. That's right. S-A-M-M-A-N. That's me. Yeah, theringer.com.

Writing some stuff there. I've got a feature about your Oregon Ducks quarterback, Justin Herbert, coming out before the draft. Who won the Rose Bowl? He did. He did win the Rose Bowl. Very nice fellow. Valentine's Day weekend, comedy on state, Madison, Wisconsin.

And then... A lot of big O's getting thrown out. Yeah, and then, you know, just keep on the lookout. Doing the blogs and the reported pieces and occasionally a podcast like this. Fantastic. You're working today. Are you covering?

I am working today. With the National Football League? I am not. So my other main job, really my main job at the site is I'm a fact checker. So I'm making sure that the stuff you read on the site is accurate. And that's a fact.

Yes. That's a fact that he is a fact checker. And you can also, because of that, be guaranteed that no one will tell a lie on this podcast. That's why in my Paul Allen piece that I wrote for The Ringer, when I said he could turn into a wolfman and that's part of the reason he died,

that didn't make the piece. Oh, that was me. You said we can't lie on this pod? I saw it happen. I mean, anything you say has to be true. I honestly am almost honest to a fault on this podcast because I feel so comfortable. Oh, I've listened. I know.

Anyway, out of nowhere, but yeah, I will not lie on this podcast. I will not lie. Sean's Abraham Lincoln. I will not lie on this podcast. George Washington? Which one couldn't lie? George Washington. God. Man. I've never been mad at you

before. Duke University, huh? Like I said, probably didn't earn that degree. They must be teaching some of that Sioux Falls history. Dean Jones. Sean went to the school of hardcocks. David, see yourself out.

Now my hair. Now my hair looks bad just wilted is that what you said right before you crippled to your annulment i'll see myself out i'll see myself sitting there. Ian Carmelo is my name. Ian Carmelo on Twitter. Ian Carmelo on Instagram. Ian Carmelo on Jewish Hertz Rent-A-Car app. Gotta build those points up, my friends.

Gotta get those points. You want to become a Diamond Club member. It's even harder on the Jewish ones. It's Hertzowitz Rent-A-Car. Hertzel and the Hanukkah got rental cars. Herzl and the Hanukkah got rental cars. Listen to all fantasy everything. Watch the Late Late Show on the Columbia Broadcasting System. Come to see Sean Jordan and I

perform stand-up comedy in Madison, Wisconsin. Valentine's Day weekend. Four shows only. Gonna be an amazing time. I don't know what else to tell you. You guys are gonna go to RJ McSplatters. We're gonna go to RJ McSplatters. We're gonna go to TQ

Westside. Is there no Thursday show? No. Good thing I didn't buy those tickets yet. Don't buy that ticket. You know I gotta put in work at the old Dream Factory. I might even go a day early, honestly. Go there. Just go to PJ Cal calamities. Yeah. Go to HR puff and stuff. Look at Lake Mendota and then go over and look at Lake Mendota and then look back at Lake Mendota.

I'll go to Dave Mayhew's skate shop and then I'll talk to Aaron Snyder. I'll go to Dave Mayhew's skate shop with you. Yeah. I'd love dude. I get a three on Friday. I'll tell him about meeting him at the trade show when I was a kid. I have a photo that, man, maybe I'll bring the photo and add him to the show. That'd be sick, dude. Yeah. If you're in the area at all, I mean, I imagine if you're in the area, you're going to come see us anyway, but if not,

Comedy on State is just one of the best places to do comedy. It's so great. You've got to come out. The Paris sisters run that thing like a fucking, I don't know. What's, what's a good way to run something? A well-oiled machine. There it is.

Yeah. Like a well-oiled machine. Like a young Prefontaine. Like a young Stevie Prefontaine. Stevie Prefont. Dude, wind in the hair. Eugene, Oregon air in the lungs. Speaking of Eugene, Oregon, Rose Bowl champion, Oregon Ducks.

Oh, that's why. Valentine's Day weekend. Valentine's Day weekend. That's where we're going. I'm going to gloat for the most part. We're doing standup in between the gloating. I will wear an Oregon duck shirt on stage. You have to. Of course you will. And do the, uh, the like world wrestling

federation. Let me, let me hear the booze. Do they have a, do they have a dance like, is there like a duck walk or something? I could just do a duck walk. Yeah. They're so nice that I don't even want to do it to them. They're so, they're all so fucking cool. Do you think if you ask nicely, you could get the duck to come with you? Maybe.

That silence. Yeah, that was like a real contemplative silence. The women's basketball team is so good that I feel like the duck is otherwise occupied right now. Sabrina Ionescu, man. Oh my God. Unreal. Oh, I had to Google that. When you tweeted that, I was like, what does that word mean?

Ionescu. I don't look it up. It means fucking bucket, dude. Walking triple-double. Now, we are gathered here today not only to talk about Sabrina Ionescu's unparalleled college basketball run of triple-doubles, but also to fantasy draft, as we are wont to do on all fantasy everything, a team for the apocalypse composed entirely of fictional characters. But not crazy. But not superheroes.

We're not talking about superheroes here. All right? I'm going to test the limits. That's cheating. Which means you can't take Superman or any teachers. There's a real hero.

Isn't that nice? Isn't that nice? On wax. That was one of the funniest things you've ever said. Not that teachers aren't superheroes, but that was just such a... Man, that was so funny. Now, the way we determine the order of this draft

is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. Play between the three of you. Shut up, dude. And we throw a shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. David wins. Oh no.

David wins. I wish they could have seen what I just did. He fucking slapped me. I'm down with forever. Right before he won. He threw the rock right. He slapped me. Oh man, I made you feel me

and then I made you feel me. Oh shit. It got way colder in here. My hair looks good again though here It does look good again Oh man I slapped some fashion into you That's what I did I have a long blonde perm I slapped a jerry curl on him

Sean's got a blazer Sean's got a blazer with no shirt on it It's just a bunch of necklaces right now He looks crazy I look like whatever the dudes from Shire dress like Marsha Clark walking into the trial With brand new hair He looks crazy. I look like whatever the dudes from Shire dress like. Marsha Clark walking into the trial with brand new hair. Was anyone here wondering if I wore all three chains on a date recently?

Because yes, I did. All right, let's move on. But you just wore them like on your wrist under his sleeve. I just held them. Open the air. We're like the little baby, the bop. In the same way that people hang mistletoe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They hang their chains around their ass.

Get underneath the three chains. David, same way that people hang mistletoe. Yeah. Yeah. Chains. David, having one rock paper says, this is coming upon you to determine the order of today's draft. Before you do that, I will remind you. It is a serpentine draft. And what is that?

Great question. Why don't you fucking slap me again and figure it out? You are the man. I mean, game on. It is like this. I thought you wanted me to put the whammy on you. I mean, game on. He just licked his hand. I thought you wanted me to put the whammy on you. Lick your hand?

Damn, that's disrespectful. That was oozing with disrespect. Let me wet out my hand with spit. Just a bubbling calzone of disrespect. The pot my hand with spit. Just a bubble in Calzone of disrespect. The pot boiling over with disrespect. Let's say that there are both versions of The Lion King on your flight last night. And you start watching the old one. And you're like, man, this is great.

I wonder how shot for shot it is. And I wonder if the old one makes me cry as much as the new one and vice versa. So you watch the old one. You're like, yeah, definitely still cry at the very beginning of that. And then you switch over to the new one. And you're one you're like yeah definitely still cry at the very beginning of that and then you switch over to the new one and you're like oh i don't cry at the very beginning but i do cry a minute or so in and you wonder you're like do i cry when he present when move when uh rafiki presents simba on pride rock do i cry because i know i cry at the old one but do i cry at the new one so you see him present you're like i sure do i sure do and then you switch back to the old one and you're like cry at the new one? So you see him present and you're like, I sure do. I sure do. And then you switch back to the old one and you're like, yeah, I still cry. And by this point,

you're starting to freak people out on the plane because you're just switching back on the Lion Kings and you've had too many, like they've already over-served you on the plane, which is a rare thing. And then you keep going. You're like, I wonder, I wonder if I, if I like Billy Eichner and Seth Rogen as much as I like Nathan Lane and

who was the other voice? Anyway, you just kind of go back and forth watching the Lion King, spend a little more time on the old one, go back to the new, spend some time on the new, back to the old. So,

you know, it's kind of basically what kind of draft it is. Okay. Basically what it means is if you pick first in the first, wait, fourth, there it is in the first round. I'm sorry.

I was also looking up who voiced Pumbaa. Who did? Ernie Sabella. Oh yeah. Sure it is. In the first round, I'm sorry, I was also looking up who voiced Pumbaa. Who did? Ernie Sabella? Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah, I didn't know. When I was a young warthog! Found his aroma like a certain appeal. He could clear the savannah after every meal.

I'm a sensitive soul. So I seem thick-skinned. And it hurt. And I'm changing my name! My wife seems thick-skinned. And it hurt. And I'm changing my name. What's in a name? I don't remember that. I got downhearted.

How did it feel? Every time that I... Boomba, not in front of the kids. Sorry. I'll tell you what, John Oliver. Disney, get at us. Let us know. We will voice any two combination of animals. A duck and a yak.

We're in. Oh, yak to bear. A giraffe and a koala who are friends somehow. An angelfish and a starfish. A gila monster and a tortoise. Let us know. Come on. Fat squirrel, fat chipmunk.

I already look like a sea turtle. Skinny squirrel, fat chipmunk. We'll do it. All right? Can I be a voice too? No! You heard the riff. That's right.

Shut up. Shout out to David. If you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. With that in mind, what will the order of today's draft be? It's going to go Ian Shockard, David Sean. I'm a little nervous.

Yeah. Yeah, because this lineup is bonkers. Wow. The only one of you who I was worried about possibly taking my first pick is Ian. Yeah. Now he's got the jump on me. I've gone first like five times total on this podcast.

Yeah, this is great. It's still on this podcast. It's still a hot corner. It's still a hot corner. Hot corner. Now, I have the first pick in today's team for the apocalypse comprised completely of fictional characters. I have the first pick and we'll get to it

right after this short break. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Policy Genius. Policy Genius, I'm going to hit you. We're going to talk about some life insurance stuff real quick. Now, 40% of people with life insurance

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could save. That's PolicyGenius.com. This episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Babbel. If you want to learn a new language, the best way is to uproot your entire life You drop everything you're doing Just go to a brand new country You figure it out from there But this isn't the talented Mr. Ripley Alright? You're not Jason Bourne

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slash allfantasy, spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash allfantasy. Rules and restrictions may apply. This episode of all fantasy, everything is brought to you by Schedule 35. Now, microdosing is an absolute game changer. I have never heard a bad word about it. And like we said, this episode of All Fantasy Everything is brought to you by Schedule 35, our partner in getting things done. Imagine if you could. Let me just take you on a walk. You got a tool, sharpens your focus. It's going to clear your mind up. It's going to keep your anxiety at bay, which, man, wouldn't that be nice? And it's going to do it all day long. It's like a Swiss army knife for your mind. Might sound like a magic pill. I know I said it before, but that's, I swear to God,

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That's right. I slaughtered that hog. Now, have we determined what the apocalypse is? Is it nuclear or nuclear? I think it's up for your own interpretation. It's actually a Caribbean or Caribbean apocalypse. Here's a real question I had, though. Yeah.

Nine inches. Calm down. My mom was driving the Caribbean Caribbean on a server we had the other day, and she was loving it. Wait, what happened? I forget where we were. I think it was at like a tasty and alder or something in Portland. And there was like a Caribbean like coffee drink and she kept going Caribbean Caribbean.

Sue Carmel was having a great time. I was laughing too. I don't get it. You know how those two are pronounced differently. You can pronounce the two. Oh, I only pronounce it in the Billy Ocean style. Caribbean. You say Caribbean.

Caribbean queen. Caribbean. Caribbean. I'd like to go on a Caribbean cruise, please. I'd like to go on a Caribbean cruise. Preferably with free ass booze. Devastation in the Pacific as a massive hurricane hits the Caribbean islands. Caribbean.

You were wading into Michael McDonald for a second. Caribbean. It's definitely one of those riffs my mom does where afterwards she's like, you wonder where you get it from. You know? My mom will say something funny. She's like'm funny it's not just it's not just pat that was my dad pat you didn't get it all from pat you know it's so funny

oh my god uh okay so i have the first pick and it's a apocalypse right yeah so we're here's my question yeah is it early, mid, or late apocalypse? Because those are very different I feel like we all have our own version. We gotta play for the whole thing. I'm gonna need different skills the first year. Put your thigh away. Don't worry about where my thigh is. You think my shorts don't go that high?

I know. Shocker showed up. Now we gotta fly out. Shocker brought jeans to a mesh party the only one in here with long pants. Shocker brought jeans to a mesh party. The rest of us look like we're ready for a rocket jock weekend. Some variety of basketball shorts. Jeans to a mesh party is what I meant to say. Burned by Nelly.

So yeah, I think you need it for all scenarios. I think it's one of those things where basketball unicorns are super important. You got to be able to, versatility. I got some plants caribbean scenario caribbean scenario uh so you need like i need there's a lot there's obviously violence is something we're gonna have to expect oh yeah but there's a lot of people who can get violent yeah no but another thing we're gonna need to do is survive in this scenario or scenario uh we're gonna need somebody who can build things yeah

maybe even using atypical ingredients to build those things are you gonna hit the big m i'm taking the big m my first pick is macgyver damn that's a good damn macgyver foolishly i woke up and i was like oh yeah macgyver i'll get that i'll get it late. Yeah, that's like, of course. Also one of the greatest stand-up comedy premises. MacGyver? How many times have you heard something like I MacGyver'd it. He can take a

pocket full of posies and a ring around the rosie and make a boobotic play. A MacGyver condom out of a sandwich bag and a rubber band. Somebody tried to do that once at a party I was at. I have sex with a woman with her? a sandwich bag and a rubber band. Somebody tried to do that once at a party I was at. I have sex with a woman with a sandwich bag and a rubber band. I was like, don't have sex with that person. They might be like a Jimmy. Yeah. No

way. Well, condom. They try to make that. I swear to God, they tried. Wow. I didn't check in on how it went. Hollywood parties are crazy. This was a beaver. That was at the CAA Emmys party. That is so buck. All right. I'll tell you the guys. This was in Beaverton. That was at the CAA Emmys party. That is so buck. All right, I'll tell you the truth.

It was J.J. Abrams. It was at Shudders. It was J.J. Abrams. It was fabulous. That's why they call him Bad Robot. Angus MacGyver, dude. Angus MacGyver's a great thing. Wait, wait, his first name is Angus?

That's right, which makes him even more powerful. Whoa. I didn't know that. That's amazing. That's why he went by MacGyver. What if that show was called Angus? Angus. A whole different show.

Just a beef show. Yeah, because I feel like in the apocalypse, you're not going to be making things out of things that they used to be made out of. You understand? You're making shirts out of shoulder pads. You know what I mean? You're making bras out of things that they used to be made out of you understand yeah right you're making shirts out of shoulder pads you know what i mean you're making bras out of spikes exactly we're gonna need like weapon like traps set yeah yeah resourcefulness solutions yeah yeah and macgyver's the guy for that job yeah contact saline he can also handle himself you know what i mean

he's not gonna shy away from like uh he can fight, if some shit goes down. Yeah. He'll like, he'll fucking send a boot, a boot cut jean wearing leg right to your face. Ooh, that boot cut. Yeah. I feel like it's different than a boot cut. It's a boot cut. Make a goddamn auto turret out of like some pennies and some glue.

Yeah. Fking, fking, fking, fking. Oh, he's going to make you all kinds of bullets. It's going to be amazing. And not a lot of people know this great ramen recipe. Yeah. Yeah. He can cook up a mean ramen for you.

Yep. And a master at the art of seduction. That's right. Which is going to come in handy. Yeah. Yeah. You can cook up a mean ramen for you. And a master at the art of seduction. That's right. Which is going to come in handy. It definitely will. Angus MacGyver, man. That's my first pick. I like how David goes,

what, are you going Big M? Yeah, Big M. I felt it. Are you going the Big M? So I'm thrilled because, you know, the apocalypse, things are going to be

a little testy, right? People are going to be on edge. We need a leader. Yeah. I need someone who I can count on in a crisis. I need Lieutenant Aldo Wren.

I need someone who's going to keep everyone in line. Has a hard moral code. That is crazy. Good job. Listen, man. Good job. He hunts what he needs to survive. You don't need to tell me. No one I would want to

follow into a fire or into the apocalypse more than Lieutenant Aldo. He's also a direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridges. He's got a little engine in him. He's probably got some moonshine liquor. That's right. He could definitely make you liquor. Yeah, you're going to need so much liquor. He's not afraid of the tussle. Because in the apocalypse

it's okay to be three quarters. He also dislikes basements. Also dislikes bas. He also dislikes basements. Also dislikes basements. Doesn't like basements. You don't want to be in a basement in the apocalypse. Can speak a little bit of Italian. Just bonjour. We watched it the other day.

Gourlami. I told you. That motherfucker can act. It's crazy. dope he is. See once upon a time in Hollywood? I watched a little bit of Last Night on the Plane. I have it on digital video desk. Dude, he's so dope.

Gorlon. I think that's maybe the best he's ever looked in his entire life. Oh my God. Not even the shirtless scene on the roof. I'm talking just like a random scene at Spawn Ranch where you just look at his forearms and the size of my thighs. Yeah. I get it. I like when he meets Joe Black right before he just look at his forearms and the size of my thighs. Yeah. I get it.

I like when he meets Joe Black right before he gets hit by the bus. That's kind of my preferred. He just gives like that half smirk. I'm a fight club guy. You all, he had those weird muscles in fight club.

I don't like his hair in fight club. The muscles on the sides. Yeah. Those are the crazy muscles. Those crazy muscles. What? The cum gutters?

Oh yeah, yeah. The jizz drippling. That only begins to tell the story of what those muscles were. That's only the first chapter of that book. Him and Troy, when he's taking off his armor and Rose burns in the bed, that's one where you're just like cheese and rice.

Honestly, even all the ocean movies where he's just dressed like a normal dude. The weird thing about those ocean movies, he's got this sneaky tattoo that barely peeks out on his arm. It looks like it's full tribal. So you're like, hmm. The other thing about those movies, he's eating in every single scene I love it

Aldo Rain let's talk about Brad Pitt just draft Brad Pitt we've talked about that scene before but it's so when they're all speaking Italian and what's the guy's name he knows they're all full of shit but he makes them go through it anyway

one more time good job bravo Walt just knows they're all full of shit. He just knows, but he makes them go through it anyway. One more time. One more time. Good job. Good job. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo. Don't eat the cocoa.

Huh? Don't eat the cocoa. Bro, you just love it. Antonio Margheriti. Margheriti. What do you got? He's like, let me really hear the music in it. Margheriti.

What did they say when you were climbing this mountain in Paris or something like that? You broke your foot. What did she say? Hiking climbing this mountain in Paris? You broke your foot. What did she say? Hiking? Hiking. Mountain climbing. You know how the Germans love their mountains. So fucking good. Once Upon a Time is great though, man. What a film.

Lieutenant Aldo Rain, that's a great pick. That is a great pick. Yeah, seriously. That was rad. I bet he knows how to set weird traps with ropes and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you know the background to the scars on his neck are supposedly like he and Quentin talked about that he had been like choked by a noose.

So he's seen some shit. Oh, right. Yeah, that's for sure. He doesn't fear anymore. No, he fears nothing. He's got a strict moral code. He's going to kick the shit out of anyone who crosses anywhere. I feel like he's got a great sense of smell, too. Oh, yeah. He's like, there's witches here. Yeah, yeah. Elk's coming. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he wants his scalps. David, time for your first pick. So I need, I feel like the apocalypse is like, we don't know what it is, so I need someone who I know can perform in the past, present, and future. Okay. They need to be good at everything.

I need an innovator. I need a science man. I need a man of the world. I need a man who can rig stuff up. I'm taking my man Doc Brown. Doc Brown. Doc Brown. So clutch. If we got a shot

gutted to 88, man. Not a single mile per hour faster. No, no, no, no. Are you trying to maybe even travel back in time to before the apocalypse? I'm trying to fix this motherfucker. Wow. David's going to save the world.

We're just trying to survive. David's saving the world. Yeah, I'm trying to make it like it never fucking happened. We're going to go back. The other option, if you just don't care about anyone around you, you just go far enough in the future where the apocalypse doesn't matter anymore or you go far enough in the past to live out my days and I take all the

Drake songs five years before they came out yeah just you rapping God's Plan yeah yeah yeah but like in 03 what if I never met the broski this is our remake to Back to the Future 2 yeah I feel like he's just that's a utility player man yeah and doc you saw he lived a life in the future he lived a life in the past it's true he was a cowboy he was

like gonna work so you know he can live off the land he has like those kind of skills he can find he can find water doc's gonna find the clean water well yeah dude if it gets down to like a fist fight he's not gonna do you much good but i feel like you'll have other people on the team yeah yeah yeah for if that breaks out. No, but he also shows growth, like willingness to, you know, open the letter, wear a vest to protect himself. That's true.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he's, it's, it's, he's. He shows personal growth. Yeah. That's funny. So he's a well-rounded pick. We don't know what technically he's a doctor of, so if I get scurvy.

That is, but they never really dive in. Which is probably going to happen. Art history, isn't that crazy? From William and Mary. Yeah, specializing Caravaggio. He got the same degree twice. Did all the schooling two different times. They call that double jeopardy.

Yeah, man. Doc Brown. First pick. Sian? I'm going to pick somebody who is in an apocalypse situation. Okay. And they're very loyal. They are a good leader, and they will fight.

Thanks, Sean. And they know exactly what they're doing. Rick Grimes from The Walking Dead. Oh, okay. I have never seen or read The Walking Dead. I knew that. Neither have I. Talk us through this pick.

He's proven himself. He was there. He's just like the natural leader he gets shit done he's always on the ball and the main thing about rick is like he is loyal like he he if you're in the circle then there's nothing he wouldn't do for you so you know just be nice to have sequel to what's the what's the matter with kevin what's that book uh there's something wrong with kevin what's that what oh you talk about kevin talk about what about that? What? We need to talk about Kevin. Talk about what about Bob. No, we need to talk about Kevin and there's what about

Bob and then the main thing about Rick and that's the big three. There's something about Mary. There's something about Mary. That's the big four. It's all part of one story. It all happens in the same universe. A lot of people don't know that. It's all canon. And then Troy starring Brad Pitt. What's in Troy? Tori.

Dude, like we didn't have a good time with that when it came out. Call it Tori Tori. We didn't have a good time with that when it came out, calling Tori, Tori. We have a friend named Troy who we've called Tori for like 20 years. It's not even that funny, but his name is basically Tori now. And when Troy came out, we're just like, oh, you guys want to go see Tori? Oh, we really know

how to joke around in Sioux Falls. What is Rick Ryan's weapon of choice? He has a six shooter. Yeah, She's got a big revolver. Nice. I've shot one of those, like a big.357. Oh, like a Dirty Harry? They're gnarly. So I shot it. My uncle

and my stepdad and all my other uncles brought me outside. Sounds like they're going to beat me up. They brought me outside. The story about a gun. They took you outside to get it. For real, they bring me outside and they're like, here, you want to shoot this? And I was like, totally. And so I shot it and they didn't say anything

about like it's going to kick. You should have earplugs, any of that. Because I'd never. I mean, clearly they didn't have earplugs. Well, so they like put me like 10 feet in front of them. And they're like, yeah, just shoot it. So I shot it with one hand. I didn't even go.

Because I was like, oh, you know, dirty hairy. And I almost broke. It kicked so back like I almost broke my nose and then I turned around. They all had earplugs in and they were all laughing. You fucking asshole. The best part about that story is

the moment right before this and hey Sean, you want to come outside and shoot this? They're like, let's go fuck with Sean. Yeah, exactly. They're drinking schnapps, laughing their asses off. Yeah, what time of day was this? Are you boys in the mood for some pre-cure for diphtheria level comedy? And they're like, yeah.

It was Christmas. They were all drinking Uncle Tim schnapps. I wasn't old enough to have my own schnapps yet, so I was just like a sober 15-year-old and they were all shit-faced like, let's take Sean out. What should I shoot? Anything. We're on a farm. Just anything you want. Your whole schnapps-based existence.

It's very romantic to me. All the Christmas schnapps? I would love to be in on a Christmas schnapps circle. We should make schnapps this summer. I guess we could make schnapps. Dude, all I would have to do is mention to my Uncle Tim that some of my friends wanted a schnapps in the mail the next day.

I swear to God. Can I get some pineapple schnapps? Yes. Real quick, the best part about the story, though, is the fact that it's only like one degree removed from the fact that like you went out there with the gun and if you like perfectly hit something like from a thousand yards away,

they'd be like, and that's how Sean became the American sniper. Yo, yeah. What if you showed an aptitude for shooting instead of what you did, which was blood? If I just grabbed the gun, I was like, finally, Uncle Steve, and I just

a CIA truck. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Wow. No, it's hilarious. That joke was that was heavy. I thought that was going to go. Oh, man. Dark.

I was over here like, yeah, Sean's going to be a CIA agent. Sean's like, I'm going to murder my uncle. No, I was kidding. Ricky Grimes did. By the way, my I typed it wrong. It says Rick Grimes from Walking Dean, which is a whole different. Walking Dean. Walking Dean.

Is that the porn parody? That's a guy. Walking Dean is a. The dean of a college that used to be paralyzed and now he can. Walking Dean. It's a James Dean documentary. If only he'd been walking and not riding his motorcycle. I don't want to say what show it's on afterwards,

but you know, I can't, I can't even say anyway. I don't know. I wish you'd say it. I don't know what you're talking about. Am I the only one? I have no idea.

You're the only one who would know. It's just a joke between the two of us, but I can't talk about it. I don't know what you're talking about. Am I the only one? I have no idea. You're the only one who would know. It's just a joke between the two of us, but I can't talk about it on the podcast. Damn it. Well, now I feel like a prick because I don't know the joke. It's all right. All right.

It's a show. Anyway. Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, you can. The walking Dean, right on. I'm sorry. I know this is deeply frustrating for the listeners, but I'm sorry.

I can't. I just can't say it. If you come up to us in person and ask, maybe I'll tell you. I'm going to do that the second we go off mic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Rick Grimes is your first pick and your second pick. My second pick is kind of like another Rick Grimes sort of pick. I just, I need-

Dick Grimes. Yeah, dude, Dick Grimes. He's a rapper. It's actually a children's book need Dick Grimes. I do Dick Grimes. He's a rapper. It's actually a children's book called Dick Grimes. Dick and Jane. I'm picking a Woody Harrelson from zombie land. Oh, okay. That was his name.

Tallahassee. He was absolutely on my list. Yeah. I just like him. I just like him a bunch. He seems ruckusy. Like Rick is so serious and Tallahassee is is a little more like i don't know man i just sometimes i just want to fuck some things up like let's go find some zombies and kill them kind of

thing i'm not necessarily living in a zombie apocalypse but i did pick two people from zombie apocalypse so those will be my only two picks i think from that you better hope it's not a twopocalypse now what are you talking about the The probably the sixth CD I ever bought. The fifth one was one. I can't even say the name. So I know it is. I never saw the sequel to Zombieland. I loved it.

Yeah. I haven't seen it. I saw it on my birthday before I made Laura the I'm engaged T-shirt and hat that I laid on the bed. Airbrush. No, I went into a place and I was like, I almost got it on so much shit. Flasks, watches, bracelets. You got your neon sign?

Just a case of flasks. This is insane. I entertained the idea because I got her a placeholder instead of a wedding ring because I wanted her to be able to pick her own ring up. Yeah. So I entertained getting a fake ring that said I'm engaged on it as the placeholder. I couldn't do it.

I couldn't pull the trigger. But so I just went with a dope T-shirt. You just got her a ring pop instead. It's a juicy jewel of flavor. That's right. And it has never fell on my finger. Or in my heart. He wears a hat with like alligator teeth on it or something, right?

Yeah, it just looks dope. He has bootcut jeans that look okay. His only weakness is, what are those? Twinkies. Hostess twinkies, yeah. Yeah. He loves them. He just wants a twink.

Well, he can't. He hasn't had one. That's like his, what he's searching for the whole time. Really? I feel like you could find those. Apparently not. What do I know? I like that pic a lot though.

He has, you know, it's like a job interview. He's like, he has experience with the apocalypse. He does. Yeah. Well, him and Rick both. They're like my, you know, it's like a job interview. He's like, he has experience with the apocalypse. He does. Yeah. Well, him and Rick both. They're like my, you know, like my two blockers where I'm like, okay, you guys get out. You go check out the house. If it was Los Angeles, you know, a lifetime of experience in the apocalypse, they'd almost

be qualified for an entry level job. That's right. It is so hard to get work here. You know that. Everything's like, you got to have three years and it's $7 an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you got to be able to, willing to dump them out. You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never. Dick and the balls. I've never experienced that in my whole life. I've never not gotten a job that I interviewed for until I moved here. It was crazy. Oh, yeah. The amount of.

Well, I'd only had, well, I had probably six or seven jobs, but I'd never interviewed for a job that I didn't get, ever. Because they were only in Sioux Falls, then in Portland I had two jobs. One of them I transferred with. The other one was just a call center that I was like, yep. Two jobs! I'm technically still in that boat, but I'm also a child. Yeah, yeah, you are a child.

You guys can't tell Shocker's eight years old. I was going to say Shocker's eight years old. It was absolutely illegal that they let me get this tattoo at nine. Yeah. They shouldn't let you. Sean's not even supposed to be at 100 yards because of you.

Because of the case. Not with that tight cross. Stop it, David. Look at this. Oh, you could kill your uncle, but I can't make a joke about it? You fucking Shocker. Don't move.

I gotta take a picture of you right now. Stop it and tell everybody that you were joking right now, David. I'm not going to do it. How about that, man? What a look for you. Look at my hand. that you're joking right now. I'm not going to do it. How about that, man? What a look for you. Look at my hand. It was just like this. It was just naturally like this. The hair is pretty bitching today.

The hair is great. The hair is like a perfect cloth. Can I say bitching? Yes. All right. Bitching is great. All right. Yeah, Tallahassee. I think they're a good. I honestly think they would get along because they're Rick is very reasonable and Tallahassee is not, but I think Rick could step back and I honestly think they would get along because Rick is very reasonable and Tallahassee's not,

but I think Rick could step back and Tallahassee would let Rick kind of co-lead. You know what this is to me? I think this is when the Pistons got Rashid Wallace on top of Ben Wallace and you're like, oh, they're the same but different and they keep each other in line. I honestly thought that was like a joke at first.

I was like, they don't have both of them. Sean, as a young man no older than nine years old when they won that title as I still am nine years old go step in front of a train you were nine during that I'm 95 man I got a ring when I was a kid I'm

happy forever I was like 11 I wasn't a virgin when you were born wow God that's insane what'd you say I was 11 we were I was I'm just a couple years old in the. Wow. God, that's insane. What'd you say? I was 11. I'm just a couple years old in the shockers. It was crazy for both of us.

I love this us rebranding as young dudes. I love Doja Cat. The three of us are just like really young and Sean's 45. I remember asking my grandpa who was born in 1964. It's weird that I joked about murdering my 20-year-old uncle. It's 20, though. That's for sure.

David, time for your second pick. My second pick. El segundo. I need a big physical bruiser. I need somebody to play low. I need one to be scary. I need somebody who physical bruiser. Yeah. I need somebody to play low. Yeah. I need one to be scary.

I need somebody who's going to grab somebody by their collar and chokeslam them to hell. Yeah. I'm taking The Undertaker. Oh! Parts unknown! Parts unknown, dog! Hell yeah!

Hell yeah! And at any era, I'll american badass era because then he can ride a motorcycle that's you just you need a goon you need somebody who's like all right we gotta eat that fucking that's a great goon too do you ever eat that guy who's gonna prepare him he would cook yeah he would be fine it would be like it would be like we would kill the dude and then we'd be walking around like what are we we going to do? And he's like, leave the room. You're like, go get water. Yeah.

Your hand is shaking. You're holding a gun. It's shaking. It comes up and he just, I got it. Yeah. Bring me the Weber. Do you think he'd make you listen to his intro every time he was about to do something though?

Yeah, but it'd be worth it. I'd be into it too. You'd have to learn the intro. Like I'm sure everybody knows, but please regale us with the intro. Oh, I have no fucking clue. Damn it, David. I've never, yeah, I'm not a wrestling boy. It goes, uh-oh, here comes Trouble.

It's the Undertaker. All of you better run and fast. He's mean and really tall. Yeah, that is it. He's seven feet tall. He's tall, dude. It's astounding that I've remained friends with Malloy having watched zero seconds of wrestling

outside of his apartment in my entire life. Maybe. I mean, I watched it as a kid, but I actively dislike wrestling. Nobody's really friends with Malloy, by the way. Yeah, the man's an island. The man's an island. He's only got two friends on both TVs.

Really? We moved. I lived down the block from him when I first got here. Really? Yeah. That's crazy. That's how I know all of you nice joys. He's a...

Nice gentleman. You can say joys. I would say boys and gentlemen. Do you hear that? Boys and gentlemen. I would say boys and gentlemen at the same time. Yeah. It's like our version of woes.

You know? These nice joys over here. What's up, joys? Joy boys. You're all joyous to me. Thank you very much. Back at you, Playboy. We're a gang of joy boys.

Joy boys. We're the coy joy boys. The joy coy. Joy coy. Shout out to Joe Coy. Man, I saw him in fucking Phoenix. Bring that house guy. Is there such thing as a tribute comedian?

That'd be pretty easy. Back in the day, I wrote a sketch with tribute comedians where it's like, you guys are just stealing. No, we're tribute comedians. Just do their jokes just like they do. Take my wife, please. So you're a thief. Shocker, it's time for your second pick.

My second pick. Okay, so, you know, David, Doc Brown was pretty resourceful. I need someone resourceful. I need someone who can almost make something from nothing, but also navigation, I think, might be pretty hard. I need someone who's got that just on lock. I'm going Dora the Explorer. Whoa!

There you go. Oh, shit. Are you worried about having a child? No. Okay. I've got Aldo Rain, man. Listen, children are unpredictable. I've never worked on a set that might have children on it

because I don't do that. But I'm guessing child actors are difficult. Also, if you had to eat somebody in the crew first. The one who's going to put up the least fight. Yeah, absolutely. You're going to- A magic backpack? She doesn't have a magic backpack and a magic map?

It is the apocalypse, Sean. I don't know if you heard this. No fucking rules. No, but also like, if we're like, man, we got to find some fresh water. Dora's like, well, here's the map that has three stops to get there. I'm like, awesome. Thank you, Dora. That's nice.

And she's got that magic mochila. What's that? A backpack three stops to get there. I'm like, awesome. Thank you. That's a good point. And she's got that magic mochila. What's that? Oh, the backpack. You have to quickly explain what that is. I've never seen Dora the Explorer. Oh, she has a backpack that magic backpack.

Oh, hell yeah. Uh, the arms are just doing their own thing. She speaks Espanol. Yeah. Come on. We have a little bit of Italian and a little bit of,

a lot of Spanish. Yeah. So you're like, I bring the Arabic. We're good. Right. You're good in any hood already. And she hates foxes. Does she hate foxes?

Swiper. No swiping. All right. Time for my second pick. Now, I've got MacGyver. Now I need somebody who's a bit of a bruiser, but also somebody who has shown the capacity to care for others. but also somebody who has shown the capacity to care for others.

Someone who's, you know, loyal, but good in a fight and maybe covered in armor that's really hard to get. I'm taking someone who burst out of the scene this year, the Mandalorian. Oh, man. He was on my list. There we go. I thought you were going to take Baby Yoda. No, Mando, dude.

I need to raise a question here. Okay. Does Mando actually know how to fight? Mando. Does he just have cool armor and gadgets? I don't think he knows how to fight. He's got cool armor and gadgets. Those are question here. Okay. Does Mando actually know how to fight? Mando. Does he just have cool armor and gadgets? I don't think, I don't think he knows how to fight. He's got cool armor and gadgets.

Those are coming with. Yeah. And also sexy voice. Oh, sexy voice. I think he does know how to fight. I think he knows how to fight. Yeah.

He held his own with that crazy. I mean, I know baby Yoda had to help him against that weird beast thing, but like, yeah, he'll get, he'll get there for sure. And he's good in a fight.

He's resourceful too. He's been a nomad already. And he's got a heart. He's got a heart. Kind of like that kiddo I de-booked in 6th grade. De-booked. You a heart. I straight up slapped this kid's books out of his hand.

And I was like, pick him up. And he stuck his chin out. He's like, no. And I go, you got heart. And I shoulder bumped him, walked away with like eight dudes behind me. It is astounding to me that you grew up into this wonderful man. I swung hard the other way. I was just, yeah, that was, that was just like a hard overcompensation. Well, you know, sorry, David almost ruined the whole day.

I'm kidding. You already fucking slapped me, so I get to say a couple things. That's fair. So we're going to say a couple things, okay? Shout out to David. You already slapped me. Why were you doing that?

What are you going to do? Slap me again? That's all you care. I didn't fucking care the first time. I don't care if my parents got divorced. You can't even hurt me. This real hurt is being betrayed by a friend. You already did that. It was,

I was in a hard search for an identity. And as soon as I found skateboarding, I figured it out. But that was, and then the, there was that like 20 to 22 year old search again. Anyway, we don't want to talk about it.

Better than Scientology. Yeah. Well, cheaper. I still got a little more searching to do, but yeah, the Mando dude. Mando.

I'm not finished yet. I'm only like five. It gets real good. Yeah. I mean, I thought it was dope immediately. I love the artwork. I thought everything was dope.

Oh, the, the artwork, the sound, like the soundtrack, the first everything was dope. The soundtrack, the first opening music, unbelievable. Fun cameos. Give me an Amy Sedaris. Are you kidding me? Amy Sedaris just messing around with a baby for 30 minutes. I'm here for it.

The episodes are really tight too. It's not like a slog. You know what I mean? Yes. I love it. Like the little capsules. It doesn't need to be nobody's complicated. Yeah, it's just something to watch.. It doesn't need to be, I'm not like nobody's complicated. Yeah. It's just something to watch.

You don't have to, you honestly don't have to pay a ton of attention. You can be doing shit. And then, you know, it's a half hour. You know what it is to, uh,

uh, shout out, uh, Chris Ryan, the watch podcast with Andy Greenwald. But they mentioned it on there. There's like, it's a lot like Star Trek or an old Western where it's like every episode,

just they go out on a mission for 30 minutes. It like i really like that it doesn't have to be something super complicated right right on twitter ian carmel compared it to like xena warrior princess we both plug our things it's fine you know it'd be funny is to go on uh like a tinder date and keep calling it star trek and see how long it took them to correct you. See how polite they wanted to be. I'm really into Star Trek. I really like, I know everything about Star Trek. Yeah.

Obviously Jedi strikes back. Big Baby Yoda. I can't wait. I love Papa Yoda. Do you think that Big Baby Yoda would have been a Shaq nickname if he was playing right now? Yes. Oh, that's a great call. Damn. For sure he would have been Big Baby Yoda. Do you think that Big Baby Yoda would have been a Shaq nickname if he was playing right now? Yes. Oh, that's a great call.

Damn. For sure he would have been Big Baby Yoda. Playing that like ABC Christmas game. Oh, Big Baby Glenn Davis Yoda? Yeah. Shaq might have taken it. They both went to LSU too. I'm a bigger baby than him.

It's something on the water. Huh? They both went to LSU. Yeah. Asbestos. They got big babies down there. They got Joe Burrow too. They got big ass babies down there. They do. Oh, I bet they do. Oh, little babies coming out. They got Joe Burrow too. They got big ass babies.

They do. Oh, I bet they do. Oh, little babies coming out. Babies. I was thinking about this. What if there was a baby who had the voice of Ed Orgeron? What if Baby Yoda had the voice of Ed Orgeron? Oh my God. Like we finally hear him talk and he's like, the Baby Yoda. Baby Yoda won't get down there on the trench. Baby Yoda just wants some frogs. They want a big old man in their armor there taking care of Baby Yoda to make sure to get down there on the trench. There you go. There's 20 some frogs. There's one on there, a big old bear in there, armored there, taking care of Baby Yoda, make sure he get there safely now. There he goes.

Shane's got a great Cajun on him. When I do a fake Cajun, I'm doing his fake Cajun. I'm doing his impression. There's no big head on there, and the big horse is there on Baby Yoda on the Degelbar system there. That don't Degelbar down there. That'll bet you're down there. On that Dagobah system there. Down on Dagobah down there. Down on there dog.

That Dagobah making that X-wing levitate down there. Go on in there dog. A scary little tree. A facial demon there, Lucas Skywalker. The closed captioning just says inaudible. Question marks. I don't know. Happy down there on the,

where they get you, they're going to bop a rail fight. Oh, Darth Maul there with a light sable. I think you can make every single movie better by just adding one character. Who's Cajun? Who's Cajun? But at least specifically with Ed O'Drown's deep raspiness.

That was my big critique of the new Lion King. There was no Cajun character. Yeah, there was no Cajun? There's Cajun. But at least specifically with Ed O'Drone's deep raspiness. That was my big critique of the new Lion King. There was no Cajun character. Yeah, there was no Cajun. Also my big critique of the movie Philadelphia. One day I don't know. They fired me because I got A's now. Oh, no. What have we done?

How come one day they give me the big old case. Two days I'm all fired now? How come that is? Dude, the other night when I was leaving, Ian just threw on Philadelphia. It was so buck. Oh my God. Now I'm just thinking about like

Ally from A Star Is Born. Well, tell me something now, boy. Now tell me, now tell me, boy, now. Ain't you trying to fill that void down all the rock and roll pills there, the alcohol. Drinking the gin now? It's bad for you, boy.

My second, my third pick my third pick this is a weird pick but i'm going to take william robinson from the swiss family robinson he is the patriarch of the do you guys remember Swiss Family Robinson they got shipwrecked but then they built a tree house functioning tree house society is that is that like a part of Disneyland is there like a part

yeah they had a big like but like people don't care about it anymore so they may have turned it into Star Wars I have no idea could not be less up-to-date on disneyland okay but i knew what i need is like so i've you know i've got again i've got mando i've got macgyver macgyver can build stuff but now i need somebody who can like build us maybe maybe we need a house up in the trees we need some kind of shelter steer clear you want to stay away from shit sure you know what i mean you gotta watch out for bears

they can build like sort of like a water powered you know what i mean like system yeah so now all of a sudden we've got you know we've got macgyver taking care of like the early part of it sure mando we got muscle and now we've got william robinson we're building a little bit of a society oh you know we're going somewhere we can go up in the trees maybe we're in a cave who knows where we are but but we're building you know yeah i understand not a lot to say about it but no no i i tell you i i didn't even i didn't even think about that like building shit yeah that's why i got dark you know even in the apocalypse too sometimes you want some fatherly love that's right you want you want a patriarch who can just put his hand on your

shoulder and be like it's gonna be okay bounce me on his knee your shoulder and be like, it's going to be okay. Bounce me on his knee, you know, and be like, don't you worry about that. We're going to be all right. We're going to be all right. I've created a monster. I think I might just become Cajun full time. Honestly, I'm going to say it right now. I saw this years ago. You saw it coming?

I saw it. I get one of those proper dumb scooters. How do you feel about crawdads? Oh, they're low-down crawdads. Pull them out of the mud and boil them up. You don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. That guy does not speak Spanish. Proud of it.

He's never even heard of Daddy Yankee. That nickname is a coincidence. He'd be so fucking mad if someone showed him a picture of Daddy Yankee. Who it is now? Cry Daddy Yankee thinks being called a Yankee is an insult. It's like how they call little guys, you know, tiny. Yeah. He's so not a Yankee that it's in his name.

Shocker time for your third pick. My third pick. All right. I can pick a more specific one if this doesn't fit for y'all. Okay. The protagonist from the Fallout video game series. Oh. I have no idea.

There's like slightly different names. They're all the same white dude, but they have a dog and they can survive in a post-nuclear apocalypse. Sure, sure, sure. It's a little crafty. So what's interesting about the Fallout pick is that you build a skill tree for them. Yeah.

So we don't really know what skill tree this particular character has like all around you know what i mean like he's my jack of all trades okay so he's oh yeah yeah he doesn't have to be the best fighter but you know i need someone who can be like if it's if it's fallout 4 he can help me build the civilization because that's a thing in that game you can build houses yeah he he can pick locks and computers if computers are still a thing in this apocalypse he's my he's my wild card he's my like swiss army knife okay he can do he can medicine stuff yeah if there's mechs in this scenario he can operate yeah you're gonna need to mech operate you gotta

mech up he can he can teach me about radiation poisoning yes you gotta know about he's he's giving a lecture at uh 3 p.m down by the docks. There you go. Just please bring a textbook and $12. They are great games. The Fallout games? I don't... Fantastic. I just got Mario Kart, yo. Would you consider yourselves Fallout boys? Oh. Sean, I think we have to go step outside. Are you more than we bargained for?

Yeah. Been trying to tell... Okay. Yeah, you are. You wanna hear? Cause that's just who I am this week. Right in the grass. Next to the mausoleum. I'm just a notch in your bedpost. But you're just a line in a song.

You're just a line in a song. Drop a heart. Break a name. We're all in the same bed. We're all in the same bed. We're going down, down in the little name yeah I'd say I'm a fallout boy I think fallout boy was just here, actually.

For everybody listening, that was Fallout boy. They're going to actually put that song in the next Fallout game. In the next one? Just instead of like weird 50s music, it's just going to be like the four of us singing. Dave, time for your third pick. My third pick is going to be... Okay, so I don't know about how long we're going to have ammo for. Oh, yeah. For the guns, because we might going to have ammo for. Oh, yeah.

For the guns, because we might just run out pretty quick. Right. For the guns. I need a man. I need a man who has sword skills. Okay, true. I need a man who's nice with the blade. Yeah.

I need a man who's fearless. Not afraid to best enemies twice, maybe three times his age. Yeah. I'm taking from the hit movie Hook Rufio. Oh! Oh! The Filipino sensation. I feel like you've picked

Rufio like five different drafts. I feel like maybe shut the fuck up. How about that? Fucking let me do my fucking thing. You rollerblade, Sean. I didn't say you couldn't. I'm just saying. Fucking calling my shit out. He does tricks on rollerblades.

I wasn't calling you out at all. Bangerang. Hey. You're doing it, Peter. Hey. Man. Stupid, stupid man. Shit.

Did I just get canceled? Damn it. Damn it. Yeah, man. That guy, he's cold with the blade and he's got ice water in his face. Yeah, true. He does have ice water in his face. Damn it Damn it Yeah man That guy He's cold with the blade And he's got ice water Yeah true

He does have ice water He's known for killing adults Man He was a boy Why do people not like that movie? Every time I rewatch it I'm like This is a good movie

I don't I feel like I feel like it's called classic right? It was one of my As a kid It was one of my favorite movies But it got It was like

Brutalized when it came out I don't know It's not an entourage. It's classic. Entourage is bad. I know it's bad. Julia Roberts isn't an entourage. You know what I'm saying? Mary J. Blige is.

She's my Julia Roberts. You draw your own conclusions. I love that pick. Sian, time for your third and fourth picks. Well, I'm going to pick somebody who, again, is well-rounded, very good at fighting, very versatile, living in an apocalypse.

And if we need to repopulate, you know, it might be kind of nice. So I'm going to pick Trinity from The Matrix. That's who I'm picking. Carrie Ann Moss. She's great. Neo's girlfriend. She's great. Neo's girlfriend.

Yeah. She knows exactly what I'd say that Neo's her boyfriend. You know what I mean? Okay. Trinity knows what's up. She's a survivor. She's just a good, versatile, well-rounded pick,

I think. Voodoo, Krav Maga, Wushu, only some of the disciplines. When you look at her, it has her fighting style on Wikipedia. What is her fighting style?

Those are the ones. Oh, really? Budo, Krav Maga, and Wushu. Cool. I'll teach her Taekwondo. Yeah. She can teach me Krav Maga. Damn, Budo's crazy.

Again, living in an apocalyptic world. Post-apocalyptic world. Yeah. Could be post. It could be just apocalyptic. We don't know. It could be happening. It could be happening.

It could be the movie Apocalypto. Directed by my friend. Ian's boy. Lifelong friend, Mel. Melly Mel Gibson. Trinity from the Matrix. And your fourth pick? So it's okay. Here's where it's weird.

I want an animal. And I want it to be like a loyal, domesticated, but still very fierce animal. So I'm picking Raja from Aladdin. The tiger. Oh! That tiger will fuck people up. It's a tiger. Like, you know,

Raja doesn't show that she's violent in the show, but she's a fucking tiger, so she'll get shit done. For better or worse, a tiger will do a lot more than a human. Is Raja a girl? I thought Raja was a girl. Maybe not. Raja Bell is a basketball player who's a boy. Okay. Boy.

Well, boy. I'm now picturing you like a scene from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, just going like snapping your fingers and the tiger just runs off and goes away. If the tiger and I get along in my mind the way we do, the tiger can hunt for you. the tiger can find food.

You all share. The tiger doesn't mad dog things before you all get to... The tiger is just going to be a natural predator. You've domesticated a tiger. Yeah, domesticated tiger that'll have your back. A lot easier for a tiger to go attack a gang of other apocalyptic survivors. Raja's a boy, my friend. Really?

Oh, yeah. For some reason, I thought I remembered Yasmin calling Raja a girl or something. Raja's a boy. Raja's a boy. Raja's a boy. Just type that into Postmates and see what comes. You shouldn't have done that.

You ordered nothing? No, I ordered Raja the boy. Raja's a boy. That'll be $8. Just type in nine numbers and bring me Raja the boy. Raja the boy. That'll be $8. Just type in nine numbers and bring me Raja the boy. I ordered Uber and get it for start here. And the drop off is one house over. You get the back.

Take me to the boy. Raja the boy. Five stars. Are you aware that Roger's a boy? Good. Yeah, Roger from Aladdin. Big ass tiger. Big ass tiger.

Couldn't hurt to have a tiger on your team. I feel like they eat a lot. They can hunt their own shit, too. I mean, I'm not stopping him. But also, you can eat the tiger. Well. He would never. I would eat. You're just going to have to watch a tiger taking down horses I'm convinced you're going to have to eat someone you love in the apocalypse

That's the thing I know It doesn't have to be the apocalypse but I'll tell you that I think what Ian's saying is right Apocalypse, you're going to be working all the time, you're going to be stressed What better form of enjoyment It's like a movie, every day A tiger just being like, yo, go kill that gazelle.

I want to see something die. Go fight that rhino. Let's just see. I want to see something more bummed out than me. Go kill that thing. Slowly. No, it's like, to go back to Inglourious, it's that scene where he was like, frankly, watching Donnie beat up Nazis is the closest

we get to coming to the movies. What does he say? We're tickled pig to hear you say that. Tickled pig to hear you say that. David, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick? Like Shocker was talking about earlier, I need someone to lead this whole thing. I need somebody to run it. I need somebody with the

managerial skills to get the crew by in the apocalypse. I'm picking somebody I met in the apocalypse. That's where I discovered her. I'm taking Sean Jordan's first boner. I'm taking Tina Turner as Auntie Entity in Mad Max, The Road Warrior. This is Barter Town!

We don't need another hero. We don't need another hero We don't need another hero We don't need another way home All we want is life beyond The Thunderdome I bet we are one of the more Pro Tina Turner podcasts And nobody would guess that

Just from looking at the title And who records it If they saw that picture Of looking at the title. And who records it? If they saw that picture of us in the street in Portland, nobody would be like these dudes. It was actually a typo. It's all fantasies. And they all involve Tina Turner. We talk about Tina Turner

a lot on this podcast. She's great. She's the fucking best. Proud Mary, keep on burning. Man, so she's... What does she do in Barter Town? She runs it. She's the fucking best. Yeah. Proud Mary, keep on burning. Man, so she's... So in this... What does she do in Barter Town? She like... She runs it.

She runs it. It's like her whole shit. She's the Don. Yeah. It's her whole shit. She's not afraid of some... But she's clearly ruthless because she rose to power in the apocalypse.

Yeah, in Barter Town. Yeah, nobody got there nicely, by the way. Exactly. Nobody's like, oh, you should run the apocalypse. Yeah, there's no Pete Buttigiegs. Yeah, no, you took it. You took it. Yeah, there's no Buddha judges. Yeah, no, you took it. You took it. Damn, that's a good pick.

That is. Yeah. Does she have armor on, too? Yeah. A little bit. Like shoulder pad armor kind of thing. Let's watch the video after this is over. We will.

We will. Watch the music video. Yeah, I'd love to. All the children say, we don't need another hero, hero, hero. Excellent pick. Shocker, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick. All right. Oh, man. Excellent pick. Shocker, time for your fourth pick. My fourth pick. All right.

Oh, man. Tight list. Actually, you know what? I need... Whoa, put your shirt on. What are you doing? It almost looked like you were about to bring someone in.

Like you were going to stand up. For this one, I'm going to need my good friend, James Taylor. Have seen fire and have seen rain. Oh, if James Taylor came in, we'd be singing Carolina in my mind. Oh, that's right.

My mind, of course. Carolina in my mind. Okay, yeah. So I need, I have my resourceful pick. I have my leader. I have a fighter. I need someone who can help me make something of nothing. But also, I don't know what the whole currency situation

is going to be like in the afterlife. You're picking currency? I need someone who can trade in barter, who can sell things for stuff. Yeah. Walter White. Whoa! Damn, that's a good-ass pick.

Science can help me build stuff. It can heal me if we need to make medicine. But also, drugs are probably still going to be pretty popular. Drugs are going to be more popular. Exactly. And you know what? You know what people are going to spend whatever they have to

barter with food and buttholes. Yeah. On that blue meth, bring your drugs to barter town. I'm moving at a price. There you go.

Yeah. I just team up since you said butthole. I'm just thinking about like that was a currency bag. I killed that guy. Go cut out other buttholes

and I want my buttholes and I will have my buttholes. Aldo, go cut out. Just go cut out all their buttholes real quick and put them buttholes. And I will have my buttholes. Aldo, go cut out just go cut out all their buttholes real quick and put them on a necklace. I'm going to wear it. Don't let me explore when you join my crew. You take on a debit to me. I'm going to wear it to

Bordertown. Freak everybody out. A hundred Nazi buttholes. We was wondering if you wanted to go pro. We're going to keep you alive, but cut out your butthole. Well, yeah, so Walter White. I'm 38. Walter White's a great pick.

Yeah, because meth, yeah, you'll absolutely use it. Plus, I'm sure you can make other stuff that's helpful. He made a bomb out of like a science experiment. Yeah. Mashed it on the ground. Tuco saw it. Plus, you can do that fun, like different color flame stuff if you ever get bored. Like, now look at this.

Oh, purple. Whoa. Yeah. Just with the enthusiasm of a high school science teacher. Yeah. Does he have terminal cancer in this scenario? I mean, like, if he does, we'll eat him. Early on. All right, great. Yeah, yeah, you'll eat him.

You're going to eat cancer meat, huh? I don't think it works like that. If you have sex with someone that has cancer, you get cancer. Yes, it does. I'm just not going to engage. Ladies! Is that a weird one?

Damn. Did I get canceled again? Sean, I want you to apologize to Marissa right now. Sorry, Mars. You know, I don't think he is. I don't think he's canceled. I think it's cool to have people with cancer or have sex with people with cancer. I'm like this guy over here. Fucking ding dong. He's motionless, Sean. I think it's cool. I think it's cool to have people with cancer or have sex with people with cancer. I'm like this guy over here.

Fucking ding dong. He's mushrooming Sean. I think it's tight to bone. Why don't you look at me when you talk shit about me? I'm talking to you. I think it's tight to have sex with people. You're going to slap me again? Fucking bully. Do I need to walk over there and sit between you two? You want to know who gets canceled? The voice of Comedy Central for slapping a weaker person. How about

that? Listen, you can slap weaker people. Why would you ever want to slap someone who's stronger than you? That's why I didn't close fist it. I gave you the rain because you couldn't handle the thunder. You understand what I'm saying? Sunshine. Rain. Pump it up. Pump it up. Pump it up. you know what I'm saying? Sunshine.

Rain. Pump it up, pump it up, pump it up. Walter White may a great pick. And it's time for my fourth and my fifth picks. As it is. As it is. With my fourth pick, I need some muscle at this point, all right?

Yeah, you need a hustle. I got Mando. He's good. He's good in the scrap, but I need like muscle A, like in a fight, but also like if we're building, you know what I mean? In this town or like whatever it whatever it is yeah you just need somebody who's fucking strong need somebody

who's loyal need somebody who's friendly somebody who likes to play games too if it comes down to that if we're bored around a campfire i'm taking straight out of kashuk chewbacca the wookiee my second star wars who knows how old he is who knows how old he is? The pride of Kashyyyk. Yeah, the pride of Kashyyyk. He's got his bowcaster. I don't know how much ammo he has for it. He's some type of royalty, right? He's won medals.

I know that much. He's like seven feet tall. He's strong enough to tear people's arms out of their socket. Yeah, he's also got those 20 flasks. Yeah. Yeah, he's got whatever that is on the fucking- That bandolier. I don't know what's in there.

Also, I've been thinking about wanting to hug a Wookiee my entire life. And now I'll know. I don't know if you could feel safer than having a Wookiee with you. I might put myself in a baby Bjorn and have him carry me around. That's an

apocalyptic scene. You see a Wookiee walk up with Ian Carmel and a baby Bjorn? What the fuck is this? There's no more government. There's no countries. No one's in charge. We are in the wild, friends. That's how other people are finding out.

If you see that, you just start burning your money for warmth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not good for anything. Get the go bag. Ian's in the baby Bjorn. Shit's done turned. That is the go bag. Ian's in the baby Bjorn. Shit's done turned. That is the new law. We gotta head for higher ground right now. Now I just can't get

that image out. You're like almost as tall as him. I'm like only a foot shorter. Not even. It's like just a ground man in front of another. Go.

If you guys are walking up the hill. But your legs are dangling just a little bit. And not, not everyone saw you and they're just running. It's like,

why are we running? I know what I saw. Doing adult things in a baby buer. Are you sure? Just like smoking cigarettes. It's not safe anymore.

I'm making martinis. Oh, man. Oh, that's funny. What a visual. Oh, God. Okay. So, Chewbacca's my next to the last pick. And then, I think I'm going to take the fucking bride, dude.

From E-Trix Kiddo. Damn. Yeah. Nice with a sword. Nice with a sword. Nice with a sword. Nice with martial arts. You know what I mean? If we do need to restart civilization, you know,

her and MacGyver or the Mandalorian, it's definitely not going to be my sperm. It's not you? I'm happy to be there. You know what I mean? I didn't even think about that because in my scenario,

I was like, yeah, me and Carrie Ann Moss, but I forget that there's like way too gnarly dudes. Probably not going to be me. Maybe just for genetic diversity.

Just for that reason alone. We have the fighters, and you know what? We need someone who might be a little funny. I mean, it's really more nurture than nature, but I'm happy to... Unless it was Sue Carmel who says I get it directly from her. She's a wholesaler. I love you, Mom.

You are why I'm funny. Yeah, dude, Beatrix Kiddo. Yeah, that's fantastic. I think swords are going to come into play more than we think. I think you're right about that. Guns need ammo. Swords, that's endless. And they're loud. You don't want to be loud. Yeah, and the guns are going to run out.

Of course. And a sword, it's so versatile too. I mean, it's not just a gun that's got one gear. A sword you can do a bunch of shit with. Yeah, chop down cherry trees, slice coconuts. Lie about chopping down the cherry trees. Who did that?

She's also shown herself to be really good against a group of enemies. Which is important, I feel like. Oh yeah, like if she gets separated from the pack and is just like surrounded, she's like, no biggie. I've done this before. She'll fight her way back

and I'll be hanging out there in the baby Bjorn like, where were you? We were all worried. First of all, where were you? He's not even talking to me. We all cried, not just me. He's not talking to me. You're in the baby Bjorn.

The fact that you guys aren't talking is hilarious. I'm just picturing your face inside Chewbacca too, like you're facing him, turning around. Where the fuck were you? Oh my God. Where were you? Chewbacca, turn around so I can see her. He's facing him.

Unhook me. Unhook me. You're just, hey now. Hey. Hey. Oh, that's so... I'm mad because I love you. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be mad. Is she laughing? Chewbacca, is she laughing? I can't see. Tell me she's laughing.

Please unhook me. God, I talked about this. You know you're acting like Angus. No. No. Shocker, tell me your final pick. This is, I don't think, going to go over well,

but I got to do it. I am a firm believer that every team needs a chaos agent. Oh, okay. I think Aldo could keep him in line. I'm going Anton Chigurh. Whoa. Whoa. I need a true chaos agent. What the fuck? Damn, dude. Whoa. You're going to need a true chaos agent. What the fuck?

Damn, dude. So here's the thing. Wild. Nothing that could possibly happen in the apocalypse will be scarier than standing next to Anton Chigurh. So it's one for me from my own psychology. Okay. Number two, I firmly believe Aldo could keep him in line. Number three, as insane as he is in the entire time that we know him and he is by the way oh

absolutely very strict moral code he doesn't have a moral code so if we could just like he's a survivor he's survivor we could talk to him be like look man for all of our betterments for all of our sakes yeah you can walk around with that weird gun on a spike or whatever right we're gonna kill who We're going to kill who we need you to kill. You can flip a coin before you do it. If you want, that's fine. But the other option is he's on someone else's team.

But be nice. That's true. The other option is he's out there hunting for me. I like how he has to be in your world. He's in my world, so I might as well have him on my team. He's going to be here. He's going to be there? You're going to do a lot of waking up with him looking at you, though. So you've got to be ready be here. You're going to do a lot of waking up with him looking at you. So you've got to be ready for that. You're going to do a lot of going to sleep with him looking at you.

Listen, the other four of us have all, or the other five of us have all talked about what happens if he goes rogue. We all know, we have a contingency plan. When he says friendo, do you think that's a good thing? Friendo. Is that good or bad?

Friendo. Hey, friendo. No, what the fuck is going on with my voice? a good thing. Friendo. Is it good or bad? Friendo. Hey, Friendo. No. What the fuck is going on with my voice? I don't know what you're doing. Meatwad. It sounded like. Learn more, Friendo.

Hey, Friendo. I listened to Woody Harrelson on WTF and he was talking about how on No Country he saw, he was like, I don't know

how this is going to turn out. Like he thought Anton Chigurh's character was just going to be terrible. Really? He's like Javier Bardem would wear a hair nut and then he'd show up with this goofy ass hair and he's like, I don't know how this is going to turn out. Like he thought Anton Chigurh's character was just going to be terrible. Really? He's like Javier Bardem would wear a hair nut and then he'd show up with this goofy ass hair. And he's like, I, this is going to suck. And he had a good point that I never thought about. You don't, when they're shooting a movie, you don't see it. You just

see what's happening day to day. So you have to trust that it's going to be good. And he just thought that character was going to blow. That's what Gordon was saying about cats, man. He was like, you don't know when you're making it. None of us knew. Yeah. We would show up to set. We would do what we were supposed to do. We'd try our best. I still don't buy that it was as bad as people said. The peanut butter and the jelly don't know how good the sandwich is. Exactly. They don't.

I bet you I'm going to like horny cats. I bet you will like cats. Oh, yeah. Freak. Just rocked up the whole time. Boner, David. Last thing I'll say about that movie. I might've heard the story on this podcast, honestly. So I apologize.

I'm retelling it. Yeah. So they were shooting it at the same time that we're shooting in the same city. They were shooting. There will be blood. Oh yeah. And supposedly there's a story that they're shooting some scene on the

road in no country and a man on it, like a bike or a motorcycle is coming by top speed and it's just like fuck off as they're biking by and it was daniel day yeah yeah yeah i've heard that story too i don't think it was this podcast but yeah he was definitely heard it somewhere fuck off yeah that's hilarious i hadn't i didn't know that that's real funny is that great that's what i do to bloods i have a competition in me just Just ride back. Fuck you. That well's been had. It's a good thing I can guarantee that no bloods listen.

I don't know. I don't know. Boy, if you do, I'm sorry. I don't know. Do you think there was a blood who saw there will be blood and was like, oh man, finally. And he's like, what the fuck? He's like, I thought this was a very different movie. I'm going to need my money back. No disrespect to Daniel Day-Lewis.

I came in on a whole nother vibe. But then he went back to the crib and was just going around being like, drainage! Drainage! Drainage, you boy! He's just really reasonable about it. The same thing happened when I saw Gangs of New York. This is so...

I don't want to be a dick. I come here all the time. I bring my daughter. It's just really reasonable about it. The same thing happened when I saw Gangs of New York. This is so... Yeah, come on. I don't want to be a dick. I come here all the time. I bring my daughter. It's just not... I brought friends out. We just thought it was going to be different. It's no disrespect to your establishment.

It's not a big deal. I thought Blood Simple was like a tutorial on how to get into the gang. I'm a Stubbs A-list member. If that helps. I don't know if that does anything. I just, like I said, I'm just bummed. I work a lot. I thought the movie was The Grape Street Wrath.

I read it wrong. You know, part of that's on me. That's on me. That's on me. But if I could just get a small popcorn. Maybe don't throw Grape Street up in lights. I'm not going to come around. You know what I'm saying?

Anton Chigurh, man. That's a psycho pick. But you're right. Have him on your team instead. I don't want him hunting for me. Boy, you've got some complicated men on your team. Oh, yeah. David Borey, it is time for your fifth and a final pick.

So I realize in all this, there's a lot of craziness going on. I think in Apocalypse, we're out here. We're eating people. We're running around. We're cutting people down. We need to keep our humanity. We to keep what's makes us good we need to keep our innocence our moral code our sense of right and wrong our ability to play the saxophone i'm taking lisa simpson you fucking whoa You fucking... Whoa. We need to remember what it was like before the change.

Wow. Yeah, man. Protect Lisa at all costs. I've never been the shook in my entire life. I've never been the shook in my entire life. She can play the saxophone. She's smart. She's smart as hell.

She loves humanity. She loves people. She cares about the world. She's going to grow up to be the one who gets us out. She's got a fucking battery in her back, too. Yeah. She's going to get some work done. She's industrious.

She's not scared. She's brave. She's not afraid to take on big institutions. Yeah. What if she's secretly like a goddamn savage? It's an inspired bitch. She's just having protests. She's the best of us.

You know what you do, too, in a dangerous situation? You fill a saxophone with bees. Yeah. And then you cover it up. And then when the bad guys come, she's like, go! And she's like, blah! in a dangerous situation? You fill a saxophone with bees, and then you cover it up. And then when the bad guys come, she's like, go! And she's like, and a bunch of bees fly out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lisa, the bad guys are over there.

Much like you and the baby Bjorn, she fights on the Undertaker's neck. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just hopping around. With like a bow. She soundtracks your fights, too. So it's like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. She's like, I think, and she do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. She's like, I think she, and she's,

and like when we start having kids, like when there's kids there, she's going to raise the kids in the way that. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's, I think she. Natural born leader too.

We just, we, she's the best of us. We need her. Your team is a silly team. One word comes to mind. It's silly. But I love it. If, if I'm rooting for any team. It's silly. But I love it.

If, if I'm rooting for any team, it's yours. I appreciate it. Like, I'm like, if we're restarting humanity, that's the one I want.

We're trying to get it going. Yeah. Sean, time for your final pick. Well, I need a problem solver. I need someone who can figure things out. I need somebody with a,

with a smart scientific brain. Somebody might even call him a science guy. I'm going to take Bill and I. Really? Yeah. I'm taking a real person. Boy, I think... You think that's bad? Yeah. Why? I don't... He can figure out so much stuff. He was a stand-up comedian. Listen, man, anytime you can get someone with a Cornell

degree... He has a Cornell degree? Anytime you can get someone with a Cornell degree to be on your team. He is smarter than anybody who's on my team so far. I don't know how much practical science he really knows. Yeah. He was teaching us how to like do it. He was teaching science to children. You know what?

I'm actually, I'm on, I'm on Sean's side because there's going to be crazy shit that's happening. Right. And we all search for answers. Bill is going to be able to explain it to you. He's going to do a little more than Lisa Simpson. I don't,

I'll tell you that. Say that to the undertaker. Say that to the Undertaker. How about that? Tell that to the Undertaker. Say that to him. He's right behind me. Chokeslams you to hell for disrespecting the queen of the new world order. Say that. I think I got a little more faith in Bill Nye than you guys. I think Bill Nye is going to figure

a lot of stuff out. Practical things. I'm about to throw out an accusation. I think he's a charlatan. Damn! Really? Yeah. Is that how you've always felt i think he's all hat whoa you know what he might actually this is i hope we never meet this is the the only other thing you've ever said to me where i was like i did not see that coming yeah was that you hating helicopters thing yeah this tops that i think he's all hat. I think he, here's why, here's what I'll say. I'm picturing our team's meeting

and you just walk up with a white glove and slap him. Exactly. You're a charlatan, sir. I don't think he'd give him the white glove. I've been to,

I went to one SNL taping. Shout out to CMJ, our friend. Okay. Who writes for SNL. She just stayed with me this week. Yeah. It was hard.

Wow. Oh, she just parties. She's turned on you the whole time? Not only that, and she just parties real hard. Yeah, she does.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's a tough guy. Speaking of parties, I went to the SNL after party. I'm hanging out. We're having a great time. And Bill Nye's there at like 3 a.m. I don't want anyone who's at the SNL after party at 3 a.m. on my apocalypse team. I don't think... Rufio went to sleep.

I don't think he's a real scientist. I really think his level of like scientific knowledge he just claimed to be a science guy he never said Bill Nye the scientist no he said like I'm a barbecue guy I don't even own a grill

you know what I'm saying it's not like you're not a pit master. Everybody knows a pool guy who just plays pool a lot. This is not a critique of your pick because if he is who he presents himself as, then it's a good pick.

What I'm saying is I'm just using this as an opportunity to get out my Bill Nye theory, which is that he's all sizzle, no steak. I mean, here's my concern. All sizzle, no steak. mean here's my concern all sizzle no steak my concern my concern isn't between your two teams when they meet isn't between bill and lisa it's actually between bill and doc brown because the way that the way that bill nye got his start is he called into a radio show to talk about how doc brown in the movie says gigawatts when it's actually gigawatts and that's

how he first got famous. Damn. Sometimes people say something with some flair. Yeah. What I'm saying is, they're already beefing. Chill out. Gigawatts? Jig-a-who? Makes y'all think you can flow with me. Now I'm famous. Now there's two of us.

That was what did it. Put you over the edge. Break it down, girl. Now we know why that woman stopped to take a picture with you. William Nyam, the science guy-um. Okay, so that was the final pick. To recap, I went first. I took Angus MacGyver, the Mandalorian,

William Robinson from the Swiss Family Robinson, Chewbacca the Wookiee, and Beatrix Kiddo. Shocker, you went second. You took Lieutenant Aldo Rain. Dora the Explorer, the Fallout protagonist from the Fallout video game series, Walter White, and then Anton Chigurh.

Weird team. Weird team. Chigurh. You went third. You took Doc Brown, The Undertaker, Rufio, Auntie Energy, and Lisa Simpson. It's a very silly team. Rufio and Lisa Simpson. That's rad.

There's a king and a queen of this whole thing. Sean, you went last. You took Rick Grimes, Tallahassee from Zombieland, Trinity from The Matrix, Raja the Tiger, and then Bill Nye. The science fellow. Bill Nye. The science. I'm a barbecue guy. Not a pit master. Bill Nye, the science equivalent of that spray they have in open houses that smells like cookies or bacon.

But there's no cookies. Man. Yep. How famous do I have to get where I can't be talking reckless like this? Because it's not now. Two years. Now I can easily get away with it. Two years. Within two years.

You've got a network show coming out. Where they're like, oh, shit. You've got a network show with a Super Bowl winner coming out. You can't be talking like this. Man, I've got to get in there. Enjoy the spice right now, y'all. Fuck you, Bill Nye. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you know what? While we're at Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? While we're at it, yo, fuck everybody in the group shy. Yeah. Wow. If I ever make another hit record, losers. Yes.

Beef. Who you got beef with? Edit it out. I don't know. We still can. Give me a second. I got beef with someone. Just give me a second.

Shocker, who do you got beef with? Oh, you know what? The guy at the gas station near my house who looked at me funny when I said, no, no, just like $15. Really? I'm sad to you, Jeremy. All right, not everybody needs to fill their tank every time, you prick. Yeah.

I have a short commute. I was a three-quarter tank, but I was nearby, and I was like, no, I'm going to finish it up. Prick? Damn. I can going to finish it up. Prick. Damn. Fucking do something about it next time. I got a little beef with a guy at a gas station one time that I was driving around McQueen's whip and I told him put $5 in. He ended up putting 50 in.

Oh, that's a different number. And he acted like it was my, I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cause I didn't have. 50 bucks. I almost didn't. And I was like, what's up? What do we do? He's like, well, you can fucking go say something, but I'll just get in trouble. And I'm like, what's up? What do we do? He's like, well, you can fucking go say something,

but I'll just get in trouble. And I'm like, what? Damn. It ain't fucking my fault, Doug. So anyway. He's like, I'm stealing $45 worth of gas is what it looks like is happening. Yeah, so I got beef with that dick weed.

He's just telling my left. I don't know. What am I going to do? Yeah, he's saying. Call a cop who's going to come shrug. All right, guys. I don't really have beef with Shai. I just want to be cool.

And Bill Nye seems cool. I was just, you know. That guy at the gas station can fucking kick rocks. I'll piggyback that though. I didn't want any confrontation, so I just bought a Clif Bar and left. There you go. What flavor? It was the peanut butter. It doesn't matter! Remember the rock?

It doesn't matter. I thought that was the beginning of a beautiful working relationship between him and Wyclef. I guess it didn't matter i i thought i thought that was the beginning of a beautiful working relationship between him and wyclef i guess it didn't work out shocker do you remember that song were you old enough to be aware that the rock did a song with it doesn't matter i'm gonna go home and listen to it dude if you went well we'll play it after this yeah yeah yeah it's perfect uh so that wraps it up we left a lot of good picks on the board. I didn't. The Mountain. Yeah. All my other shit,

because when I got here, you guys were like, just nothing crazy like superheroes, and I had like five superheroes. I had Sarah Connor on there. I had Tom Hanks from Cast Away. Oh, Tom would be good. I had just a 15-year-old kid,

because it'd be a reason to live, someone to protect, and then also someone to take care of me if I made it the long way. You didn't pick a baby? You picked the most annoying age? Yeah. Well, I figured a baby would be hard. He's like, I want

something younger than me that also resents me. Yeah, it didn't make it. I thought Michelangelo from Ninja Turtles because he's good with a weapon, but he's funny too. You need somebody who's... Yeah, I was going to pick a turtle. And he knows how to make pizza. Yeah, I thought Duke Nukem would be fun. I left Kevin from Home Alone on mine.

Schemes. Katniss Everdeen. Oh, that's a great build. I'm kind of surprised no one took Will Smith from I Am Legend. He would have been good. I almost took him from Philadelphia again. I was going to say. I want somebody who's going to come around.

I almost took my Stardew Valley character because maybe we need to farm at some point. Yeah, you will need to farm plus he's good with a sword Chungus Chungus was my cat I had Mulan and Ethan Hunt

on here as well oh yeah here we go I had David on mine because you are like the most survivor person I've ever met and also he's not real

he's a fictional character that's so nice and he can fish I mean you are and you have that attitude I've never really met anybody with that like I'm gonna fucking do it I mean, you are. And you have that attitude. I've never really met anybody with that, like, I'm gonna fucking do it. I mean, I have not.

Everybody has, but like, you know. That's so sweet. Yeah, you were on there. I feel bad for slapping you. You didn't make it because you slapped me. Two hours ago. Also, he's a real person, as Chaka pointed out. I'll say, too, if we were gonna do a combined real and fake draft, my wild card instead of Shigeru was gonna be Rasheed Wallace. Oh, shit.

Whoa, Rasheed would've been good. Ben Wallace would have been good. We could not pick real people? Did I blow it? Did it have to be fictional? You picked the character. Do you think that those people are real? Oh, yeah. Bill Nye is real. Is he? Damn. Is he? I contend that he's fake.

I heard the word charlatan thrown around earlier. That's right. I think Bill Nye the science guy is a character. You pick a swine. Fucking liar. Also, honestly, of the people we know,

I would count on Mike Maloy in an apocalyptic situation. Mike would fight anyone. Until he killed himself because there's no TV. Is there a reason for around in the apocalypse? If he needs it. He's just carving it into trees. Yeah, where's he going to brag about selling on a comedy show?

Look, look. Twitter's around, but only for verified users, so Mike can't use it. That's true. Only blue checks in the apocalypse. I'm the only non-blue check in this room, aren't I? Yeah, that's true. He doesn't have a check mark, so he can't use it. Only blue checks in the apocalypse. I'm the only non-blue check in this room, aren't I? Yeah, that's true. No TV, no check.

It's a personal code that you have. He is engaged, though. I wish I was telling the truth. You're like a samurai. Somebody put me on TV. We will. Give me a check mark. We'll get you on there.

Cops. Little Rock, dude. David's got a name. I got a name. I got a guy. Are you going to slap me in front of a cop in Little Rock or what? Slap you in front of a cop in Glendale. Slap you in front of a cop in Little Rock.

We would love to hear what your picks are. All family everything. We love you so much. Make sure you hit us up. All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. If you want to send us an email we love to hear from you shout out to everyone on the afe subreddit shout out y'all shout out shout out to everyone on the all fantasy everything patreon hop on hop on i have thought of a new

benefit that i will discuss with you guys after this but i think i think we should make we should make a pod a playlist every month of music we're feeling and make that and only send it to the Patreon members it's gonna be a lot of Whitney Houston it's gonna be a lot of

Whitney Houston there's a song I finally clicked like the the popular music thing on Apple Music and I found a song I won't say it

I'll save it for the playlist there you go so we're gonna start doing that as part of the Patreon of course there's also watch alongs mailbags the slack is popping.

Yeah, so and just in general, you allow us to do what we do, so we appreciate you. I want to give a quick shout-out to the Ringer Union. Shout-out to the Ringer Union. Shout-out to the Ringer Union. Shout-out to the Ringer.com. Shout-out to the Ringer Union. Shout-out to unions in general, man. Shout-out to the Writers Guild of America.

Gersh just came to the table. Yeah, I saw that. Congratulations, y'all. We're pretty stoked. CAA, still not playing ball. Tough cookies. The cookie's going to crumble. The cookie will crumble.

Shout out to Union Wheels, a defunct skateboard wheel company from about 15 years ago. Yeah, shout out to Union Carbide, a plant that poisoned a ton of people in India. Shout out to the Union Jack. So not shout out, actually. That old flag that we didn't have. Yeah, shout out to Union Jack the strip club in Portland that's for sure owned by the Russian mob, like for sure. Shout out to Jack Reacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't believe that you look like a hero, but I do. I do too.

Shout out to all that shit. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Aliza Carmel who listens now. I don't know if she listens this far into it, but if she does, here's your fucking shout out, you prick.

Damn, son. Little sister. Man, shout out to Puffins, dude. Every now and then I like to shout them out. Just fun little birds. Shout out to these flowers on the coffee table. I started buying flowers for the home. I really like this vase. It's nice, isn't it?

It's a nice vase. Carmel's got taste, baby. Shout out to Rasheed Wallace. Always and forever. Shout out to Rasheed Wallets, which is a nickname I call myself when I'm looking for my wallet every now and then in the morning.

Shout out to Yamazon. Shout out to Yamazon. Oh, Mas Yamazon. Shout out to Yamanika Sanders. Shout out to my dog Dakota. Shout out to Dakota for morning. Shout out to Yamazon. Shout out to Yamazon. Oh, shout out to Yamaneika Sanders. Uh-huh. Shout out to my dog Dakota. Shout out to Dakota. Shout out to Dakota.

Is it North or South? Did you just say that? No, I said, oh yeah, shout out to Dakota. Oh, is it North or South Dakota?

It's whatever you want it to be, Sean. Shout out to Dakota Fanning, dude. Shout out to L Fanning. Shout out to L Boogie. Shout out to Fanning Out. Shout out to Fanning Out.

Shout out to Fergie, dude. Shout out to Wylan Out. Fergie rules. Shout out to Nick Boogie shout out to Fanning Out shout out to Fergie dude shout out to Nick Cannon's hats and anti shout out to Nick Cannon's gloves anti shout out anti shout out and more important than all that tune in again next week for another

brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything Ross is a boy. Ha ha ha.