All Fantasy Everything - Fictional Athletes (Live w/ Mike Mulloy, David Gborie, and Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: September 5, 2019

On today's episode, AFE turns on that invisible juice. The GVG are joined by enemy of the podcast and a comedian who has never had a job in entertainment that Ian Karmel didn't directly give him, Mike Mulloy. This episode was recorded live in Minnesota at The Turf Club.Episode Guest:Mike Mulloy @fakemikemulloy IG: @fakemikemulloySupport the show!SPONSORS: MyBookie.ag [use promo code ALLFANTASY for a double deposit bonus] & Eight Sleep [Get $150 off with promo code ALLFANTASY at checkout]Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Decide the winner on the All Fantasy Everything Twitter poll @AllFantasyPodMerch!T-Shirts! Sweaters! Stickers! Mugs! Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Show Email: [e-mail] Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ooh, we got a fucking show for you tonight. We did one a second ago. We drank during that show. We went downstairs. We had a couple more drinks. And now, just going to call my ex-girlfriends for the next hour and a half.

Hey. What time is it there? We love it here. We love the people here. Listen. It would be enough for me to do the show alone. I think we can all agree on that. Diana, you know, it would be enough. But I brought some friends

along tonight. You know them as Sean S. Jordan on Twitter. You know them as Sean Cougar Melon Jordan on the gram. Give it up for Sean Jordan! Yeah! I'm standing, dude. We standing up? I was going to say, what are we doing? Standing up? I'm going to stand this show. Alright. Here I am. Standing.

I'm sitting, bro. I'm sitting, Doc. I'm sitting. Yeah, you're sitting? Well, I'm still standing. Better than I've ever been. Squab-a-dee-ba-doo-dee-doo. sitting bro i'm sitting doc i'm sitting yeah you're sitting well i'm still standing better than i ever been i'm still standing now i'm sitting shut up yeah yeah all day all day this guy you know holy buckets this is so tight thank you guys so much for coming out everyone i told them we were doing turf, they're like, that's the spot, that's what you gotta do, and here it is.

It's what we gotta do. I'm pretty stoked about it. Anyway, I'm good, man. How you doing? I'm great, I'm fantastic. I am. Aren't those people a bummer? How you doing?

Well, I'll tell you, I got a speeding ticket the other day. Oh. Poor me. Woe is me. Mom lactose intolerance still. I got that moderate to severe plaque psoriasis that's just killing me. My case got

turned down by Salino and Barnes. Their theme song is 1-800-8-million Yo, that's just Barnes though, right? Or just Salino? Salino doesn't have a phone Salino has a pager

They fucking broke up Because they both entered a Street Fighter 2 tournament You know who broke them up? It was one of the Orphalians And I don't know which one It was Orphalian or Orphalian That is I don't know which one. It was Orphalian or Orphalian. That is a

local Glendale commercial. We've talked about it, right? Orphalian and Orphalian is Glendale, Salino, and Barnes, except the only difference is brother, they're both Orphalian. I don't know that I knew Salino and Barnes was a nationwide

situation oh god coast to coast I didn't know that tip to tail oh rooter to the tooter bro from the Salino to the Barnes from Salino to Barnes to the Barnes to the Barnes till I sue you in court damn barns is hella short oh

i'll lawsuit motherfucker i'll lawsuit goddamn goddamn shorty crunk i don't improvise i just say the actual lyrics. So fresh, so clean. You guys probably thought one of the Ying Yang twins was up here. No? I go by Salino or Barnes, whatever you choose.

So now that's what it is. It's Salino or Barnes, dog. What a tough choice. You know? I don't know if any of you are on social media, but in case you are, you know him as

the G is silent on Twitter. Uh-oh. Cool guy jokes 87 on Twitter. Uh-oh. CoolGuyJokes87 on Instagram. Give it up for David Bari! Huh? Ian had sex with a woman yesterday. Oh my God.

Also, can I have a double tequila soda? We're doing it! We're doing it! We're doing it! You should tell them all the girls I had sex with, David. I will say, I said it once, I'll say it again. I think it's cool. I think that you are a young man, and you're virile,

and you are out there sticking it, and I'm proud of my friend. I don't think there's anything to feel bad about that. You're a handsome, wealthy young man, and you're doing what those type of dudes do. You're having sex in New York City. And he's down to have sex again. You would think he's tired, not this guy. I also had sex in New York City,

but I was in Sioux Falls. I also had sex with New York City, but it was with myself. It was not... I saw you fuck New York City right next to my bed last night, dude. You had like three slices of pizza. It looked fucking dank, bro.

Don't tell these people that's how I fuck. You had three slices of pizza, it looked fucking dank, bro. Don't tell these people that's how I fuck. You had three slices of pizza and some seltzer water, and then you crumpled on the floor. That's not what it's like. I kiss on the neck. I like to kiss. I really do like to kiss. You're a sneaky little devil who loves kissing.

I heard you love it! I heard you love it! I, if I could kiss, if I could kiss for the rest of my life, I'd never need pizza again. I love kissing. If I had a dollar for every time I've tried to promise myself that. That is the promise I make myself a lot. You'll kiss for the rest of your life if you never have pizza again.

And I'm like, no deal, mirror! And then the bad boy in me is like, you could do both. You could kiss pizza. No, I meant women and then eat pizza. Or man, I kissed you on this tour. I kissed both of you. This tour's been

wacky, y'all. I wanted it for the open mouth on David. Now's not the time. Get mouth on David. Now's not the time. Get out of here. Now's not the time. Don't. I don't do this in front of my friends. I hate it when you put me on blast.

I'm not your play thing. I'm not your sex play thing to just kiss in public. Well, now. He never does that shit in private. I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that right now. Straight to the deed. It's performative.

It's performative. He doesn't love me. Kiss you guys. Kiss. Do a kiss. Do a kiss. Do a kiss. He tasted like cigarettes.

Come on, love. Give us a kiss. Do a kiss, love. Let me get a fanny at your butchers Alright love Do a kiss love Alright Does everybody in here

Let's get a round of applause For these guys Yes we kissed madam If the word So the word fanny Right the word fanny Just clap for what you think it means Do you think it means butt

Yeah in America Now if I were to say fanny Do you think it means. Do you think it means butt? Yeah, in America. Now, if I were to say fanny, do you think it means vagina? It's still fairly known. I thought it meant butt. It turns out it means vagina. In the United Kingdom,

it means vagina. Fanny means vagina. That's such a gnarly thing to me And biscuit means cookie And also vagina Which means biscuit means vagina Like when they're like The queen loves biscuits, isn't it? And you're like, yeah, she does

I didn't mean to say Their queen was a lesbian I've been drinking Could I have a double tequila soda? Oh, it's right there. Thank you. Arthur. Shout out to Turf Club, by the way. Yeah.

Let them hear. We're all going to take photos, and we're going to chill afterwards. So if you have any extra bucks or anything. Yeah, we're for sure going to take pictures. Throw it to them. You guys, Laura called me. She texted me. You can totally squeeze Sean's butt in all the photos.

I didn't know you guys were talking again after what happened, but yeah. Oh, after me and you kissed? We got over it. David and Laura. I was like, listen, we're going to kiss sometimes. That's my man. Not sexually. It's just like my man. We hold each other down.

He gives me rides places and stuff. This bit isn't working. They're not all going to be A's. They're not all going to be A's. Sometimes they're C's. Sometimes they're D's. Come on, up top. I like a thicker lady.

Oh, that's crazy that I like ladies who look like they're on OutKast CDs? I'm supposed to feel bad about that? And yeah, have we maybe had too many to drink to do a second show? I did, but... I don't know if we did. The word we is pretty wild. I feel like

I'm holding it down. I've been downstairs doing push-ups over a Bible so I could read it at the same time. You were calling upon your training practicing Krav Maga down there. Krav Maga. I went to summer school with a dude named Krav Maga. Krav Maga.

I didn't go to school. It shows. I'm as dumb as him. If not worse. Okay, guys, don't look. I'm not the drunk one up here. Like, okay. It's going to be a wild ride.

We're going to have fun, though. And afterwards, we're going to... I bet you Ian kisses somebody again tonight. I'll tell you that right now. Tepid response. It's early. It's early. It ain't early.

It's like 11 o'clock on a Thursday. What does that mean to me, Sean? I have no rules. Boys! Shout out to super producer Marissa back in Los Angeles. Make some noise for her. Now,

it could be just us. It could. It'd still be a pretty good show. We're pretty talented. It'd be drunk. Most shows, we bring a friend along. Tonight, no such luck. Tonight, we brought a fucking enemy.

Please welcome Enemy the Podcast. You know him as at FakeMikeMalloy on Twitter, at FakeMikeMalloy on Instagram. Give it up for Mike Malloy! Mike! Why are you doing that? They like you. Why did you...

Did you hear the pop when he said your name? You're coming up your middle finger. I know. I'm still playing the character. How's the community theater production of Castaway going? It's going great. I don't like them getting on you about your beard because I feel like they're second way

about getting me on my beard. No, no, no. Oh, is that what that was? Oh, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no. You have like a sexy trim beard. Thank you. Mike has a peering through the blinds sort of look.

Yeah. When you back the lawyer, you're going to be all right. Mike looks like he's either going to give you a great deal or really rip you off on a muffler thing. Mike looks like he's trying to haggle the price of jeans at Sears. Mike looks like the American Taliban right now. Mike hangs outside of a skate park and says rollerblading's way tighter.

Mike looks like he drinks root beer when it's cold. He also looks like he drinks root beer when it's warm. You look like you drink milk when it's hot, and that's a dangerous dude. Sean's perked up since the IV he got from crying his eyes out after meeting Atmosphere.

You have been crying like a motherfucker. It's cool. Can I take this off because we're on stage and everybody knows I'm here? I just don't. I can't be managed. I don't want to be managed. Sean, you got to start doing that cam girl shit where they're selling their bath water. Just sell your tears to the fans. Dude don't want to be managed. Sean, you gotta start doing that, like, cam girl shit where they're selling their bath water. Just sell your tears

to the fans. Dude, I wanted to, I didn't want it to cam boy, but I think I'm too sweaty for it. Nobody wants a sweaty cam boy. Mike, nobody cares, if you're a cam boy, nobody cares about your personality, which is, like, not how it used to be, you know? I don't know. You could have, like, a YouTube show, and that's kind

of like being a personality cam boy. No, I want him to see my wiener though. Oh, okay. I've never heard the term cam boy before right now. I've never heard it ever in my life. I mean, take what you know about cam girls and apply it to boys and that's pretty much the situation.

I assume you're talking about the dark side of the internet, which I don't really go to all that much. Cam boy is like the Cub Scouts in Harlem. No, you have to continue. Oh, boy. What? Cameron is the Cameron Cub Scouts? Cameron.

Everybody wears purple? Listen, if anybody got the joke, God bless you. If you didn't, I give a fuck. I was recently nominated for two Emmys, motherfucker. Hey! And me and Sean have two warrants. Mike? Oh, just given his history,

I wouldn't build a new trophy case. What? What? Damn. In front of his friends? Yeah. In front of his friends, Tom? I just got nervous.

You always get nervous, though. Also, please go to... You're my nervous... You're Papa's nervous little guy. I do. You're a little chihuahua. Yeah, you're Daddy's little nervous boy. I am. You're a little chihuahua. Yeah, your daddy's

a little nervous boy. I am. I need a thunder, a thunder vest. I am always nervous. I am the new proud owner of noemisforean.com. Yeah.

I'm very excited about that. Go ahead and visit noemisforean.com. We should put my butthole on there. It just redirects to faded. Oh, okay. It'd be funny

if you went to noemisforean.com and it was just my butthole i've been trying to get that thing on the internet for years you really want to get this cam boy thing going man i think that i could be good at it in a way that like you know how geisha has provided incredible company i think i could be the cam i think i could be a camboy geisha. I'm not going to like, okay, yeah, you can watch me jerk off, but also Lucky me.

Hell yeah. Yeah. Lucky you. What level of the Patreon is this? 100 bucks a month. You guys moving the Patreon to OnlyFans.com? Is that a cam boy site? No, I think it's a cam girl site. It's a cam everyone site. Well, you know what?

Well, yeah, I mean, for everybody, sure. Men, women, non-binary, everybody. Now you're making me the face for cam boys, and I don't want to be that. Again, Harlem's answer to the Cub Scouts. Funnier this time. We all agree it is. Mikey, how are you, buddy?

Doing pretty good. Mikey's on tour with Daniel Sloss right now. Yeah, those are the other days. You! I just spilled a hot stream of vodka right down my crotch. It's that kind of podcast. It's the kind where he spills...

You say vodka? That's tequila. Oh, okay, Dr. Ian. Thursdays on CBS. Dr. Ian. I'm gonna... You're like house but not as You're like condo

You've got a clear case Of the Mondays You've got turn your frown upside down A phobia It's not even that you're like I think you got a quarter In your butt We are gathered here today In the beautiful turf club It's not even that. You're like, I think you got a quarter in your butt. We are gathered here today in the beautiful Turf Club in gorgeous St. Paul, Minnesota.

Just a whisper from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Just a whisper. About a two and a half to four hour drive from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, depending on how fast you're driving. Depending on how hard you mosey and we mosey. The white ghetto of Sioux Falls, South Dakota, depending on how fast you're driving. Depending on how hard you mosey and we mosey. The white ghetto of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Which is crazy because you're from North Dakota.

He is. He's from Bismarck, North Dakota. It's going to be hard to do the rest of the podcast with no teeth, my friend. You keep talking. Come take my teeth. I'm going to take them. Sean's going to kiss them right out of your mouth.

I got a nice knuckle sandwich waiting for your dinner. After the last week, they might just come right out. I've been wiling. My dad used to do that. My dad had a fake tooth that he could pop out with his tongue like a psycho. And he would do it to people like at the grocery store. He'd be like, bud, check this out. And he'd go like that, but he'd pop his tooth out.

Like, dad, nobody thinks that's tight. That's terrifying. Yeah, that's not a thing that happens in a white ghetto at all. In the ghetto. Crazy Safeway man popping his tooth out. That doesn't sound like a hood story at all to me. Doesn't sound like a disadvantaged white youth. Like a hood story at all to me. Doesn't sound like a disadvantaged white youth. Like a hood story.

We're gathered here today not only to talk about the white ghetto from which Sean Jordan emerged, but also to draft fictional athletes. Woo-hoo! That means fake ones, y'all. We got some wiggle room. Now, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors. I'm shooting up.

Play between the three of you. I'm shooting up. We throw on shoot. We throw on shoot. Here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Ooh! Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

Ooh! Ooh! Like anyone needed that fucking juice. I'm trying to be gracious in my winnings these days. Did you say gracious? Gracious? I said gracious. Don't be like that. No, you said gracious.

Don't do that to me. Don't do that to me. You're discriminating against gracious. I said gracious. You said gracious. I said I'm trying to me. You're discriminating against Grace. I said gracious. You said gracious. I said I'm trying to be gracious because I hate bitches named Grace. I'm just kidding. My sister's name is Grace.

She rules. Shout out, Grace. Yeah! She's really cool, man. You said gracious. Works in an old lady's home. Anyways, I won. David.

Much like I often do. David, having won the game of rock paper says this Sure It is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft before you do What kind of draft is it? Excellent question It is a serpentine draft And what, pray tell, does that mean?

That's the second excellent question from you, my friend Let's say that you are in ian and i's hotel room and uh you walk into the room and you're like is this room as big as we think it is so you are big fucking rooms dog so you go to the end of the room and there's there's like a living room situation you're like holy buckets is this is this the whole room and then you look over and across the hall across the the giant bathroom, there's another bedroom. So you go over to that bedroom and you stand there and you're like, holy shit, this is crazy. I kind of want to check some more stuff out on the other side of this hotel room. Wait, is that a chair in the bedroom? So you go check it out and you're like, that

definitely is a chair. But I think I saw a couple chairs in the living room in this hotel room. So then you go back to the other side of the hotel room. You're like, those are definitely two chairs in the living room of this hotel room. Are those free bottled waters? They definitely are. Now, I think I saw extra blankets in the bedroom side, but before I do that, I need to check. They certainly are free bottled water. So you look at, you kind of grab, you don't want them yet. Then you go back over there and you're like, those are extra blankets, holy buckets. Did I see a coffee maker in the living room portion of this hotel room? Before you go check it out, you do,

you look at the extra pillows that are in the bedroom portion and you kind of test the firmness, the firmacity of those. The firmation, the firm. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The Colin firm. You guys get mad at me and saying,

you said firmacity and that just gets to get past. You guys are just okay with him saying firmacity? That's a dumb person's word. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. He said firmacity! You made a mistake. He made poetry. And then you're like, yeah, they're pretty.

Wiener, wiener, dog. Wiener, wiener, dog, where I'm from. And you go, yes, those are pretty firm. So you go check out the coffee maker, and you're like, holy buckets, that is... Wiener winter, dog. Wiener winter, dog, where I'm from. And you go, yes, those are pretty firm. So you go check out the coffee maker, and you're like, holy buckets. Yeah, check out the coffe-facity. Is that a television with cable on it? And then, you know, so you just kind of go back and forth from room to room, kind of check out how dank your spot is, bro.

Basically what it means is you pick first in the first round. Oh, shit. If you pick fourth in the first round, you pick first in the second round. Oh, sounds like somebody else is feeling the firmacity. So it feels like to your boy,

call me crazy. You are being so defensive right now. Yo, because you let him say firmacity. It's a fun word. In Sean's defense, he can't read.

I'm about to tear all these... I choose not to. It's a personal choice, Mike. That's true. That's true. It is true. Listen, I'll tell you this. That's that shit I don't like.

Books, television appearances, management. That's about it. Vegetables on your sandwiches. Vegetables on my sandwiches. Paying taxes. That's that shit I don't like. Insurance of any kind. Shellfish.

Vegetables. That's that shit Sean don't like. Yo, I do feel bad because we've been cramming shellfish this trip and you have not gotten in there. Bro, I... We got... I'll tell you who doesn't feel bad about that.

Moi. Good boy. What is that, French for me? Look at you. Savoir-faire. At least he's got one language mastered. Don't just say the other one, you know. Five minutes from now, he's going to be like, je ne sais quoi.

Comment allez-vous? What does that mean? How are you, I think, or hello? What does comment allez-vous mean? How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? Oh, Shams Alize. Oh, Shams Alize.

David? Yep. What's the order of today's draft? I'm going Mikey, David, Shawnee, and... Hot Corner. Hot Corner. Hot Corner. You guys fucked up.

All I wanted was the Hot Corner, dog. Give me two in a row. Give me fucking two in a row. Ian Carmel. Yeah, that was my Sean voice. I got one. Michael Malloy. Wait, do your voice, though, one time.

Oh, no. One. All right, I will. For anybody listening, one, two. You're still going to be able to hear it. One, two, three. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. I'm wet where I'm not supposed to be wet. That's how that makes me feel. Are you wet in your butthole? Oh, God. Oh, it's too much, huh? Too much, too much. All right.

Come on, man. Sorry, sorry. It's cute when you dance around it. You don't need to jab it in like that. That's not... Well, I did, David. And now we're both pregnant. Mike, what's your first pick?

No, not... That's not your job. Yeah. Yeah, I was waiting for him to give me a pick. You did that last time, too. Last time you got out of pocket, you started calling picks and yelling with Shane. It's a wildcat time, too. Last time you got out of pocket, you started calling picks and yelling with Shane. It's a wildcat

offense, baby. All I know is I got two slot backs. You and Shane made some weird alliance where you just screamed at Sean for an hour. Not tonight! Not tonight! I fucking drove us from New York

to Boston at 5 a.m. 5 fucking a.m. By the way, real quick, just to cap it. What these two did to get here, they drove from Boston to... So all their flights got canceled. They drove from Boston to New... Wait, New York to Boston or Boston to New York?

That's right, New York to Boston. So there was a massive lightning storm in New York last night, and all of our flights got canceled. Yeah, they told me I couldn't get to Minneapolis till Friday and I was like, unacceptable. What if I fly out of Philly? And they were like, no. And I was like, okay,

what if I fly out of D.C., you motherfucker? And they were like, no. And then we were like, what if we fly out of Boston? And they were like, maybe? So then I took Uber from Newark back to Ian's hotel where he had been fucking. And it didn't, okay, and I'm not going to say,

I'm going to tell the truth, it did not smell like Badoozy, but there was a Badoozy aura. Like when you're like, I know that someone's aunt died in this room. I know Ian killed some kind of Aussie in that room. You're a real son of a bitch for burying Ian like this. Because either now he's going to get no...

Why did I bury him? Because either now he's going to get... Oh, because my man fucked him. Because either now he's going to get no Boudousi tonight because some girls might be like, oh, he's a little ho, that little Ian Carmel is a little hoochie. Oh, he's done it one time? Or he's just going to have freaks coming after him tonight.

Hey, cheese and rice. Oh, yeah. It was a long walk. I'm an asshole, but he's putting the number up. I'm an asshole, but he's putting the number up. He put it on the board, dog. He put it on the board. I was trying to say one

because I thought I was classy. You're out here saying you're a hoe and that's fine, bro. I love a bro hoe. Jesus. I love a bro hoe. Anyway, they had a long day. Yeah, we woke up.

Did you guys spend time in a car together today or something? Is that what this animosity is? We woke up at five. He drove. I was eating Dunkin', chatting, and we drove from New York to Boston,

and then we flew to here. There's no one you'd want to have chatting up the whole ride more than David, anyway. Come on, baby. I was happy to drive. Come on, baby.

I'm nice. We love y'all. We woke up at, we had to wake up at five. We rented a car in Manhattan. We woke up in fucking Manhattan this morning because we couldn't not be here tonight. We really couldn't... We had to wake up at 5. We rented a car in Manhattan. We woke up in fucking Manhattan this morning because we couldn't not be here tonight.

We really couldn't. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn't... I mean, not just I. Me and... We weren't trying to fuck you like that. Like, we... I was just like, you guys paid for it. Like, and we really appreciate you being here.

Anyways, the point is, Mike's first. Okay. With the first pick in the fictional athletes All Fantasy Everything draft, live at the Turf Club in St. Paul, Minnesota. Ba-ba! We will find out what that pick is right after this short break.

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And we're back I'm not wearing hockey pants Mike Malloy It is your pick The first pick In the Fish and Athletes All Fantasy Everything Draft So I'm glad I ended up

With the first overall pick Because I know one of you guys definitely would have taken this. Seven foot two of just brick shithouse. I'm taking Neon Boudreaux. That ain't what was going to happen on my first pick. Piece of shit.

Hey, you gave it to me. You handed me the knife. You handed me the knife. You handed me the knife. I had one that I thought you were going to... For those of you who don't know, Neon Boudreaux from the movie Blue Chips, played by Shaquille O'Neal. Shaquille O'Neal. He intentionally tanked the SATs

because he said they were culturally biased. He also said... Very well. He also said, I invaded Guatemala on my 18th birthday. I make my own sense. That was a pretty good Shaquille that I didn't know you had. Yeah, I practiced on the plane.

To somebody who didn't know what was going on. I know what's going on. I'm not a fucking idiot. No, not you. I'm saying to the person you were on the plane with. You're just like, the SATs are culturally biased. I got these long purple shorts at Walmart. He did wear long purple shorts, right?

Long. Yo, his shorts are like baggy jeans for me. Shaq in blue. Those shorts must have been four feet long if you think about it. Yeah. You know what? He had to have a guy who made him shorts. He had a shorts guy.

Earl, what are you doing today? Oh, I got to make a bunch of purple denim shorts for Shaq. I just bought seven yards of denim at the swap meet. Earl, what are you doing? I just made Jafar a pair of jeans. Well, they're my shorts now, so. I just had to take some of that fabric they use to make termite tents for houses and turn them into shorts for Shaq. shack.

Imagine you're a haberdasher and they're just like, hey, we need you to make a pair of joveralls for this 7'2 massive man for his music video. You're throwing a bunch of words at me I don't understand. Haberdasher is somebody who makes clothing. Watch your mouth.

No, it's a guy who makes hats, first of all. Haberdashers don't. No, it's a guy who makes hats, first of all. It's a guy who makes... Haberdashers don't make shoes. That's a cobbler. That's a... A haberdasher? They make clothing. It's a hat guy.

It's a hat guy. They're just duct taping mannequins together to try to approximate Shaq. He's like Belle's dad from Beauty and the Beast. Shaq's thighs are like... Everyone in the city thinks he's crazy, but he's like, I'm making an outfit for Shaquille O'Neal.

And they're like, yeah, right, old man! Yeah! Shaq's thighs are for toddlers around. Yeah, dude. Like, that's a stat. Like, that's on the cards. Neon Boudreaux. Neon Boudreaux, yeah. That is a

screenwriter-ass name. Some screenwriter was like, what should his name be? Ooh! Yeah, I love Neon. I love that they had to go into the swamp to find him. Yeah. Like, all the other players were like, Chicago, L.A. I got this dude in a swamp.

Well, it was Chicago, a farm. It was like he grew up in the bayou next to a nuclear leak, and he started drinking the water, and now he's this big. If you haven't seen Blue Chips, you should watch Blue Chips. Nick Nolte's in it, just haggard. Just barely holding on at that point. He's like one gin and tonic short of losing all custody of everything he has. All custody of everything.

You worry about me being drunk, but my next pick's gonna fuck Mike's pick up. Are you taking, like, Matt Blackboot? Don't! Why are you saying... Don't say picks, bro. I was gonna make a joke. I think he was gonna do a joke. There's nobody called Matt Blackboot, bro. It's just a contrast to the idea of neon.

Oh, that's fair. Trust your boy. I drove us from fucking New York to Boston this morning. I know, I love it. I had such a good time with you. We had a great time. We were eating crullers, talking about life. We were talking about life, dude.

It was like really, it was really like a friend. It was like a galvanizing experience. It really was. And I'm like really, I feel closer to you because of it. For real, man. Honestly, we really did. Fuck Sean, though, dude. I agree. He was kicking Pop Shevitz in South Dakota. Yeah, he was

doing fucking cakey thick flips in Sioux Falls, bro. Meanwhile. That's true, too. Is it on your Instagram? It's on the gram. Yeah, yeah. We were staying a little bit. No way. I came up here with Wilson and Che Ron today.

It was super dank. Tight little drive. Yuck City. Okay, Mike, you took Neon Boudreaux number one. David, time for your first pick. I'm taking Benny the Jet Rodriguez from the Sandlot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, but I'm too drunk now.

Oh, but I'm mad drunk now. What's to say he was the best? P.F. Flyers, he outran that dog. My man's going to live forever. Without naming any other athletes in that movie, when he gives that other kid his hat, what a fucking solid move. Yeah, because the kid had the douchebag hat

with the giant bill with the fish on it. I got one of those hats. And he was like, don't wear that hat anymore, idiot. The fat kid from the Big Green is going to knock you out. Let me give you this Dodgers cap. You have yourself a good time. I got one of those hats. Looks like a longshore fisherman from Maine is wearing it all the time.

But truthfully, back to my pick, he was incredible. He was the leader of that gang, man, and he held his people down. He loved his friends, and he appreciated them. And he made it to the big leagues. And he made it to the big leagues. But also, that summer, man, he held his dudes down. They weren't even necessarily that cool. If you noticed, he was the only cool one, but he was like,

Nah, man, we play baseball together i'm with you man and like benny the jet rodriguez man he was a good dude yeah yeah he believed in one of them was cool one of the other ones was cool yeah they were all pretty cool yeah yeah yeah yeah it was cool don't name any other people in that movie you were gonna pick yeah yeah i'm saying, but you're going down a dangerous road. You fucking loser. You started going down a dangerous path. What if I was? Then you would be a loser. That's a dumb pick.

Anyways, yeah, Benny the Jet Rodriguez from the Sandlot. Dark David. Dark David. Holy buckets. I'm going to go to the comedy store later. I was going to say, Jesus David, I'm supposed to be the jerk here. I know. I'm not being a jerk. I'm just having fun with my friends.

I know. We know. You're out healing the heel. Yeah. Dark David. Stop that. I'm going to say that. You try to go to sleep tonight.

I'm going to say it all night. I'm so glad I'm rooming with Mike. Although, yeah, they got the better room than us somehow. Yeah, our room's big as hell, though. Don't feel bad.

It's not bad. We did all right. Laker girls. Yeah, bending the jet Rodriguez was tight, man. Yeah, that guy ruled. He didn't have a ton of personality,

but goddamn, that guy could fucking leg out a single. But he was... That's what I'm saying. That's what you look for. Yeah. I'm not criticizing your pick. He's the leader. Yeah.

I'm supporting you. I think it's great. Yeah, yeah. That's a good way to say it. I just said yeah, yeah. I just said the other pick. I didn't even mean to. He could leg out a single, though. That's a good way to say it. Man, I'll tell you what. This other pick. I didn't even mean to. He could leg out a single though. That's

a good way to say it. Man, I'll tell you what. This guy's not much to look at, but he'll leg out a single. I'll tell you what. He was much to look at. He was a handsome young boy. He was. He was a good looking boy. They don't love saying that sentence. They cast that kid really well, didn't they? Yeah. You were like, oh yeah, I can see that kid growing up to be like a major league baseball player.

Yeah, he looked like maybe he could grow into like a Rafael Palmeiro. Yeah, they gave him that Rafi mustache. Pre-Viagra. Everybody else in the cast were like, I can see them growing up to own a local butcher's shop. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see him growing up to looking at my kid

in the bushes. Some of those kids were weird looking. Sean Jordan. Yeah. Sean Cougar, Mel Jordan on the gram. We're seeing a lot of those, dog. We're seeing a lot of those. Ladies and gentlemen,

a lot of those. I'm torn because there's a couple on the board. I want my personal picks, but I want the big dogs too. I'm putting numbers on the board. I want my personal picks, but I want the big dogs too. I put numbers on the board. I want the big dogs too. So I'm going to pick. I think this will go.

I think I know what you're going to pick. I'm going to pick Happy Gilmore for my first pick. I don't know that Ian was going to take in his first two, but I wanted it. I was going to take in my first three for sure. Possibly my first two. I kind of thought I could squeak out because of four because of other things we watched. Mr. Gilmore completed that feat earlier.

What's your favorite scene in Happy Gilmore? It might be that. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I believe Mr. Gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago. Dude just got a nail sticking out of his head. Also, when he stands it and he's getting the fucking, the baseballs pitched at him, and he gets one, he's getting the fucking, the baseball's pitched at him,

and he gets the one, he's like, oh, oh yeah, I love it. That one kind of hurt a little bit, but I'm all right. My favorite dude in that whole movie is the dude- Don't name another person, by the way. No, he's just a random guy who has one line in the whole movie, and he just goes,

happy, shooter's gonna choke, the gold jacket's yours. That's your favorite part of that movie. Yeah, because he folds his arms and looks around like it was definitely the 50th time they did the take and he finally got it. And they're just like, dude, we're losing light. We have to take one of those pictures. Happy, shooter's gonna choke, gold jacket's yours.

All right, a lunch, I guess. And then you're like Neil, your cousin had to be in the fucking movie, Neil? Yeah, he did, man He killed it He did a great job I feel like That dude's uncle was owed a lot of money

I was like, yeah, he's gonna be in Happy Gilmore That'll squash the debt, no big You know, ipso facto, he's in the movie We're gonna put you in an Adam Sandler vehicle. Might be the best. Might be my favorite Sandler vehicle. Really? I'm with you. It's up top for me. My favorite's the other one. I want to kiss you

all over. Over and again. Till the night closes in. Till the night closes in. the night closes in I like your face when you sing. To the night closes in Maybe not.

Happy Gilmore. I think he was an amazing athlete. Yeah, I think that's a great pick. Not a single pant leg on stage. Nah, baby, calf's out. Pretty stoked, man. You get this tight cross, the junker I get. What's up with the tight cross?

Hit him with the high tight cross. Give him the nut popper. Yeah. Atta boy. Yeah. Atta boy. Yeah. I kind of caught the boys.

There we go. Don't sit on it. You got to save those for later. Yeah. Happy Gilmore. I'm happy with it. I feel like it was going to get taken. I got it. Great first round pick. Yeah. I'm happy with it. I feel like it was going to get taken. I got it.

Great first round pick. Yeah, I'm in. Hey, woman. Hey, woman. Ha ha, yep. Why don't you ditch him and get with a real man, woman? I'm taking fucking Clubber Lang. Hell yeah, dude.

Yeah. Oh, that's pretty good. I don't give a fuck. I'm doing this for me. Mr. T playing Clubber Lang in Rocky 3, dude. Yeah. That dude looked like he would fucking hit you and then you'd die

and some cousins of yours would die and your skeleton would go kill your dad and your ghost would haunt a school and a bunch of the kids would get sick. He's the scariest to me. Any clothes you were wearing, other people wearing those clothes would also sick. He's the scariest to me. Any clothes you were wearing, other people wearing those clothes would also die.

He was fucking terrifying, man. He was, and he was so, and that feather earring. Yeah. I don't fuck with somebody who does that. Nah, dude. Like, earring down to your fucking clavicle. And he's just up there yelling at Adrian, you know?

At Rocky's statue fucking dedication. What does he say? Like, you ever, What does he say? Doesn't he say something like crazy? He says, come to my apartment. If you want to see what a real man's all about, come to my apartment later. I love that he's a multi-millionaire prize fighter and he's living in an apartment.

Yeah. He doesn't even have a parse of land yet. You want to see what a real man's like? Come to my efficiency later. I got a hot plate and a parse of land yet. You want to see what a real man's like? Come to my efficiency later. I got a hot plate and a bed. Twin mattress. I inherited a rent-controlled apartment from a grandma, woman. It's got a doorman, but tell him Club is at you and it's okay.

It's a nice loft-style apartment. I gave him a honey-baked ham at Christmas. He loves me, woman. You want to see what a real man's like? Come pick me up at the bus stop later because I don't have a car. Take me to your house. She keeps Werther's Originals in the bathroom, woman. He gets inside Rocky's head so much

that Rocky throws a motorcycle helmet at a statue. We've all been there, though. Late night, driving around, feeling stuff. We've all been there. Teetering, teetering on the brink. Teetering on the brink. Your robot isn't listening to you at home. That robot was a prick, though.

Hello, Polly. Happy birthday, Polly. That was the robot one, huh, Rocky III? Happy birthday, Polly. No, that was four. No other athletes. I wasn't sure, but yeah, I threw it out there and thought nobody would notice.

Next time you want to do that, pull your fucking head out of your ass and do it again. You know what I mean? Sean. It was fucking four, boys. Yeah, dude, Clubber Lang is my favorite villain from any of the Rocky movies. It's not my favorite Rocky movie. I will say that was a wild first pick. I love it.

He's just my favorite dude, man. Yeah. I don't know anything to anyone. I was nominated for, count them up, one and then a second Emmy the other day. Don't say it. Clubber Lang got nominated for a fight against Rocky. How'd that go for him?

Stop naming other people. Oh, yeah, Sean. Nobody would ever have connected the two. Oh, nobody thought of Rocky. Oh, Rocky. Oh, yeah. Oh, you reminded me of Rocky. Oh, yeah.

I completely forgot about Rocky after Ian mentioned Clever Lang. Who did Clever Lang fight again? Pernell Whitaker probably, right? I? Well, Pernell Whitaker probably. I don't think it was Pernell Whitaker. It was Buster Douglas. I'll hop on the grenade. I just want you to know that they were like, David, you're crazy off the rails.

You're so drunk. You were! I am. That's the scariest way to do it. That's like when someone's like, hey, we're going to fight. They're like, damn, that's scary. My second pick combines two of my favorite things. Sex and candy.

Sex and candy. I take Marcy Playground. Hanging around downtown by myself and I've had too much all right my second pick combines two of my favorite things athletic dominance and working at a deli I take Goldberg the goalie

yeah I like that pick man I can't fuck with him cause he iced my man out back in the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking Goldberg, dude. A Jewish prince who grew up to later being like Valvoline commercials and shit, but we don't need to talk about that.

No, really? The actor did. It was like weird because he looks like Goldberg, but like skinny and older now, and you're like, oh. What's up, man? He looks like someone you went to high school with where something's gone wrong. You're not really sure what it is. Yeah, you just know he doesn't have the kids anymore.

I know exactly. He lost custody of himself. You're like, oh, Jalen's not around? Word. Him and the Notorious B.I.G. made really flow to me when I was a kid. I was like, these two guys, fuck yeah, I can make it. I can be okay.

There was a world where they should have collabed. Yeah. Man, that would have been a fun world. Goldberg, bro. One of the great mighty ducks. Seriously, bro? No, he was fantastic. I love that he couldn't rollerblade as good as them, but he had heart. And they held him down the whole

time. He was there all three movies. He was there with them when they were just a local ragtag team. He was there with them when they were a junior Olympics team. And then he was there with them when they were a prep school team. He did all the work. He did all the work.

He did all the work. He was there when he survived the knuckle puck. He survived the cowboy kid. He survived the kitty cat girl. Oh, I'm sorry. He was there when Iceland was very nice and Greenland is

full of ice. I still tell that to people at the bus stop to sound smart. Oh, the 43 is light. Did you guys know? Greenland is nice. Or Greenland is ice. Keep going.

I blew it. Sometimes you blow a joke. Oh, but I'm wilding out and drunk. Oh no, trust me. My next pick is going to be really good. Sean, but I'm wilding out and drunk. Oh, no, trust me. My next pick is going to be really good. Sean, time for your second pick. My second pick is going to be Wild Thing Rick Vaughn from Major League. Where'd the booze come from?

That was astonishing. Wild Thing Rick Vaughn. It was... Somebody booed Rick Vaughn? I think the booze came from a bar in Cleveland. Well, they probably like the twins and the conference rival. Oh yeah, and he's a piece of shit.

Yeah. He is like a bad man. Right. I thought it was about sports. But it's a movie. It's a movie. That's a wild thing, Rick Vaughn. I'm sorry. It just had to happen. They were like, where did you pitch? And he was like, the California Penal Institution. And as a little boy,

I thought penal meant penis. I did too. Which isn't crazy. Which isn't crazy to feel that way. He was up there looking like if the Descendants logo could pitch. You know what I mean? And he had that haircut where it was just like a shark bite back here and you're like, alright, I guess.

In this league, we wear sleeves, Vaughn. Sounded like Lou. And his whole story is fun. He came in hot, he was throwing wild, and then my mans coached him down and narrowed it out. That's so much fun. I love it when

a player comes in and they're like, whoa, he's got a lot of power, but we don't know what to do with him. And then they coach him into being a good player. That's a lot of fun. And then they found out their coaching didn't even matter because he just needed glasses. He needed glasses. Like, that was the whole fucking...

Yeah, it was the she's all that kind of situation. Yeah, he got reversed. She's all that. Yeah, he got reversed. They threw the paint-covered overalls on him and some glasses. That's he's all that?

And he put his hair in a ponytail and it was good. Yeah, come to find out, he is all that. Yeah, now he is. I love it in that movie when he fucked another person in the movie's wife and he's like, I had no idea.

Just because she kind of looked different. Do you remember that? He fucked another one of his teammates' wife. He fucked one of his teammates' wife. She's leaving the room and he's like, I had no idea. That's your friend's wife. He had met her. I had no idea. What? That's your friend's wife. He never met her either, though.

He had met her. He had. Yes, he had met her. That was the thing. I mean, man, a lot of stuff is, I'm not going to get mad at this dude for that. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he never met her.

He claims he had no idea. Well, a lot of people claim that. Fill the Grand Canyon with people who claim they had no idea. And they squabbed it up. They worked it out. Yeah, they did. They squashed it. Anyway, yeah, Rick Vaughn.

You know, you don't own your partner. Sex is not a thing to own. No. We don't even know their arrangement. Maybe it was cool. Ricky Vaughn, the wild thing. David, time for your second pick, Bobby. I'm picking Becky the Icebox O'Shea from Little Giants.

Good pick. She was incredible. She was the whole, she was the, she was the, she was the thing that moved that movie on. Like she was on one team and they were like, we were going to win. And then she moved to another team and they're like, now we're going to win. And then she bounced on one team, and they were like, we were gonna win, and then she moved to another team, and they're like, now we're gonna win, and then she

bounced back to where her heart was, and they were like, now we win. Icebox was the best football player in that movie. She played for Mike Ditka and said, let me chill and go play for my dad. This is from the movie Little Giants. For those of you who don't know.

She was incredible. Becky the Icebox O'Shea. Best part of that whole movie, man. Breaking dudes off. Breaking dudes off. At the age of 10. They called her the Icebox not because she was huge, but because she had several ice cream sandwiches under her pants.

She had a bandolier. Yeah. Of ice cream sandwiches, which is how I had a bandolier. Yeah. Of ice cream sandwiches, which is how I want to go out in the summer. Just a bunch of push-up pops? Yeah, Becky the Icebox. She was the best. Mike, it's time for your next pick. So, let's move it

to the basketball front. Wait, no, I'm sticking to the basketball front. Don't you dare. I need myself a sharpshooter. I sticking to the basketball front. Don't you dare, don't you dare. I need myself a sharpshooter. I need myself a street legend. Don't you dare. I need myself Jesus Shuttleworth. God damn it.

Jesus Shuttleworth from He Got Game. Ray Allen, man. I really thought I could get that a couple rounds in. Yo, nah. Nah. Nah. I moved him up because I was a little worried about potentially losing him. But yeah, no.

Yeah, you know. That's an amazing pick. That was definitely on the list. And Ray Allen had one of the best accidental DMs that got sent as a text. Oh, my God. Oh. You heard this story. If you listen to any ringer shit, you probably heard this story.

But for those of you who haven't. You heard this story. If you listen to any ringer shit, you probably heard this story. But for those of you who haven't. So during that movie, when Ray Allen, as Jesus Shuttlesworth, plays his dad, played by Denzel Washington, they're playing one-on-one. And Jesus was supposed to win, and Denzel scored no points. But then Denzel, who had played like a little bit of basketball, he was like, nah, fuck that. I'm not doing that.

And he started putting up points. He started hitting baskets on Ray Allen. And then Ray Allen got pissed. So like five points into it. So Denzel was never supposed to score. But he was like, I'm not going out like that. I'm going to fucking put up some baskets on Ray Allen. And he fucking did. And then Ray Allen then just started playing for real.

Do you know how did I play? One time I went to a park with a guy who had played college basketball in canada and i have no idea what that means it means he's a better basketball player than any of them i have no idea what that means the same is it the same points in canada i think i think it's twos and threes i think it's twos and threes loonies and toonies they get they're gonna have to watch the replay see if that was a loony and we played we played to 11 I think it's twos and threes. Loonies and toonies they get. They're going to have to watch the replay and see if that was a loonie or a toonie.

And we played to 11, and he got to 11. I didn't even get to one. In Canada, the court's longer, and there's the rock and jock hoop. It's the rock and jock hoop. Excellent pick. And then I think, Mikey, as it is, a serpentine draft. It's time for your third pick. So fictional I think, Mikey, as it is, a serpentine draft.

It's time for your third pick. So fictional athletes do not just include the world of movies and sport. They're right. Movies and television. They also include video games. Oh! Oh, shit. So I am taking Yoshi.

Yoshi. Step to me at Mario Tennis with Yoshi. See what fucking happens. That is definitely... Step to me at Mario Golf with Yoshi and see what fucking happens. You want to take it to the race car? You want to Mario Kart it?

Me and Yoshi will fucking drift all over your ass. You know what? You know what? I fucks with it, bro. Yeah. Yeah. That's a David Morey pick, and I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I really can't. I got nothing to say about it. You flipped me up. I can barely breathe. That's so gnarly. You took it to the video games. Now I got to go deep in the shit Here I thought Happy Gilmore was gonna be like the crazy pick

And you picked Yoshi Is that what you thought? I'm stupid I just met Slug an hour ago Very popular sports movie It was on all of our board For sure That is an amazing pick

Yoshi plays golf, he plays tennis He's a NASCAR driver He drives a race car That's two more sports that I've been playing He drives a race car amazing film. sports movies we all remember. Yoshi plays golf. He plays tennis. What does he do? He's a NASCAR driver. He plays baseball. That's two more sports that I've been playing for recently. He drives a race car.

He plays the field. If you know it, Yoshi's out there. He plays the fool every now and then. Every lover does, right? Every Yoshi plays

the fool sometimes. You probably thought that was Aaron Neville. It was just me. Yeah, Sean, I thought that. Yeah, I thought it was Aaron Neville. David, it's time for your next revolutionary pick. No, not even revolutionary.

I'm going to the movie Cool Runnings. Oh. And I'm picking what I think was the heart and the soul of the team, played by Doug E. Doug. I'm picking Sanka, man. Sanka. He wrote the song. Some people say you know they can't believe

Jamaica, we have a bombshell team. We are the wonderies. And then there were other words. And then like, and like, Saka was like the heart, because he was like, feel the rhythm. Feel the rhyme. Get on up. It's bombset time.

He had his lucky egg. He was like, because man's just wanted to play push cart in Jamaica. And then his homies were like, let's go do some weird shit in Canada. And he was like, all right, man, I'll fuck with you guys. And then he did. That's how they got you to the JFL. They were like, let's go do some weird shit in Canada. You were like, all right. That's how you got me here.

Let's go do some weird shit in St. Paul, Minnesota. I was like, yeah. I got an egg with me. I'll be safe. Yeah. They got to figure out which town we want to shout at. Suck up St. Paul, Minnesota. I was like, yeah. I got an egg with me. I'll be safe. Yeah. They're going to figure out which town we want to shout out. Sanka from that movie, man, he was just like, he was super cool. He was super fun.

He wasn't trying to, he wasn't ever on any bullshit. Like, everybody else in that movie was like, I was going to be a Jamaican sprinter. And Sanka was just like, I don't know, man. I was racing go-karts. You guys came and got me. This would be cool, too. And that's like, that's my feeling about everything. I really appreciate him.

I think he was the heart. I think he was the comedic relief of that team. I think he was the heart of Seoul. And I think he did a good job. So, yeah, Sanka. Excellent pick. Excellent pick. Yep.

I'm in. Sean Jordan, time for your next pick. I'm going to go Daniel LaRusso from the Karate Kid. Oh! Hey! My man, Young Crane Kick. It's called a chinning kick if you're in the business, and as I am.

I'm not. As I am a second-degree black girl, I know it's called a... He is the best around. He, well... Nothing's ever. At the All-Valley Karate Tournament. I know the Sklars have a bit about it, but that whole movie's based around... He, well. Nothing's ever. At the All Valley Karate Tournament. I know the Sklars have a bit about it,

but that whole movie's based around the fact that- Also, congratulations. You beat the shit out of some dude from Sherman Oaks. Yeah, dog. I have a town home in the valley. Not a lot of karate competition out there. Me and David are the fucking karate champions in the valley. As of right now, we've had to fight.

At least from Corteen to Agnes, give it up. Yeah. They did break up a fight like a couple of goons the other day. Yeah, we did. We didn't, no, we broke it up. We broke it up like a couple of goddamn saints. Those two plumbers started fighting like a couple of goons. Me and Mike are good Samaritans.

Mike did punch his plumber in the face. You guys. I will. I didn't do that. I open hand slapped him. You guys were goon Samaritans. Let's split the difference. A couple of goon Samaritans out there. That's fair. That's fair.

But the best part was Mike open-hand slapped his guy in the face. And I was giving my guy a chokehold. And as the other dude rolled off, he was saying, like, fuck you to Mike. And then Mike told him to pound sand, which was pretty cool. Yeah, that's cool. And then my man honks his horn and it straight up played La Cucaracha. It was the funniest shit I

ever seen, bro. But the funniest shit was it sounded like a chicken was singing. It was like buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck, buck. So Daniel LaRusso from the Karate Kid. I just like the underdog story. I was never a tough kid,

but I was in taekwondo for a good portion of my life. I like how it worked out for him. He ended up winning. He beat Johnny, the evil villain. He beat the Cobra Kai. He beat the whole motherfucker. They're still not gone, though.

I got YouTube, bro. I see it. They're around. Cobra Kai's out there the whole motherfucker. They're still not gone, though. I got YouTube, bro. I see it. They're around. Cobra Kai's out there, man. They're in the streets. Not the ones that I bought. Because Cobra Kai's cooler than whatever dojo Danny came from. They're like the goddamn NWO.

Danny didn't come from a dojo. No, call him Danny. Danny had an old dude who was like, clean my car until you know how to do karate. That's like, it's a dojo. Danny had an old dude who was like, clean my car until you know how to do karate. That's like, it's a wild move. Dojo Danny's a funny thing to call someone. Dojo Danny?

Fucking Dojo Danny over here. Can I tell you a thing I earnestly thought was true for quite a long time? Please do. Girls be out of their butt. I never thought that. I never thought that. I never thought that. Yeah, me either.

I didn't know what... I didn't know. I'm just looking for my next pick. I'm not worried about it. I didn't know where it came from, but I knew it was in the butt. No, I didn't either. I earnestly believed for a long time

that if you walked into a dojo or like a karate studio, a taekwondo studio, a Jeet Kune Do studio. Shotokan, Hapkido. And you challenged the sensei and defeated them, that became your dojo. Oh, no. That's still true. That's true.

That should work. That's Burger King rules, bro. That's everywhere. It's not. It changes nothing on the lease. How upsetting is that? It should be true, but it's not. It changes nothing on the lease. How upsetting is that? It should be true, but it's not. If you could walk into

a dojo and beat the sensei up and it's still that sensei's dojo. I mean. And you know what I mean? And they think we gotta start in the White House. No, no, no, no, no, no. The change needs to start in all the dojos. All the dojo house? One dojo at a time. Daniel LaRusso.

Time for my next pick. My next pick is a star quarterback. Oh, God. Oh, God. Moved on to later. I don't want your life. I doubt it. First of all, no.

Second of all, how dare you? I doubt that was the pick. Just keep track of those two. First of all, no. Second of all, fucking how dare you. Former star quarterback moved on to a career in law enforcement. The man's name,

Johnny Utah. Little point break, baby. Okay. He was not my favorite athlete in that movie, but I fucks with you. I was wondering if that was going to go.

He's the only real athlete in that movie, man. Don't name other people. Don't do that. That other shit is... Don't do that. That other shit is... Don't do that to my extreme sports brethren. Do not. Are you...

They weren't... Endless Summer, they weren't athletes. They weren't... Have you said a sentence? Hobbyists. I thought you lived in California, bro. Hobbyists, bro. I thought you lived in California, bro. Hobbyist, bro. He was saying that about your comedy, dude.

I never robbed a bank to be a hobbyist for some shit my whole life. You call these men hobbyists? Hobbyists? They weren't athletes? We're talking about Johnny Utah right now. Get the fuck out. Johnny fucking Utah. Star quarterback.

That's fucked up, bro. He was a star quarterback, and then he went and did all the shit that. Johnny fucking Utah. Star quarterback. That's fucked up, bro. He was a star quarterback and then he went and did all the shit that those other motherfuckers were doing. So I'm supposed to be impressed by them? Fucking pound sand, to borrow a phrase from Mike Maloy. I'd like to see any one of those other motherfuckers. Why? I'm supposed to be impressed they can wear

a latex mask? No. Run a fucking spread option. You know what I mean? Hit somebody on the slant route. They can't. Why? They can surf. So can Johnny Utah. No, you want to do... I'll take you to a court of law and argue

this in front of a judge. Powdered wig or no. I don't care. Yeah, Johnny Utah snitch ass would turn up in a court of law. He does have a point. Johnny Utah is the feds. You know who didn't turn on his friends? Dominic Toretto.

Never. Oh, I meant Paul. No, I meant Paul Walker's kid. I don't know if that's an athlete. That's a completely different... Why? Where'd that come from? Fast and the Furious. No, I know that.

It's a movie from the late 90s. You are truly living your life a quarter of a mile at a time. I'm really... I'm about to strip some pics. I'm about to strip some pics. I'm about to exercise AFE pre-monogat in a second. I don't like that term.

I don't think we should be. AFE pre-monogat? I don't want to be doing that. You don't want me to be doing that. I don't want anybody to be doing that. You're going to be sitting there sucking lemons while the rest of us pick fictional athletes. I mean, pre-monogat means I'm going to be sucking lemons while the rest of you guys

fuck my new wife. That's what that term is. What? You don't know what... It's from Braveheart. It's a Braveheart term? It's from the movie Braveheart? The motion picture Braveheart? I've seen it. Have you seen Braveheart?

I've seen it. It's from Braveheart. Braveheart? My fourth pick. Okay, anyways. Your what pick? Keeps the ladies creaming. Oh, my man. I'm taking Steven Willie Beeman from Any Given Sunday.

Keep the ladies cold creaming. One of the first men I ever saw wear Under Armour. Yeah, it did. Yeah. Boy, did he wear it. Jamie Foxx playing a run first quarterback for Coach Al Pacino. Yep. Al Pacino, everything he said about football felt like he just learned that thing about football.

That old movie, he does not sound, you got to run the option in this professional game. And you're like, what? That comes with time. Which, like, especially in the NFL at that point, the option was absolutely never wrong. This was years before Wildcat. Ever, ever, ever. And he's like, the blocker's got to hit a cover, too. And you're like, well, I don't know.

That's right. I don't know how many days I got left on this earth. Whether or not I'm going to drink myself into an alley grave. But what I know, gentlemen, is we've got to go at least nine and seven to secure a wild card bid in our division. Outside of that, I don't know which way is up. And everyone's like, yeah! No, he said mad nonsense. Fellas, we're down. And yeah, it's third and negative seven. And you're like, yeah! No, he said mad nonsense. Fellas, we're down!

And yeah, it's third and negative seven. And you're like, what are you? That's the backwards way. We would have a first down if that were the case. We're running the Hail Mary every play until we win. Yeah, he was not as sound. He didn't have football knowledge. I will say Lawrence Taylor chainsawed a Hummer in half.

Dude, he sure did. Well, that was based on true events. That was just a thing that he probably... He was just doing that. He thought Lawrence Taylor thought Any Given Sunday was a documentary. He wasn't even supposed to be on the set that day. Lawrence Taylor had no idea

they were shooting a movie. Some mark left his Hummer in my driveway. I'm going to chainsaw the shit in day. Lawrence Taylor had no idea they were shooting a movie. He's like, yeah, some mark left his hummer in my driveway. I'm going to chainsaw the shit in half. No big. Sean, time for your fourth pick.

My fourth pick is going to, it's going back to baseball. It's from a movie called Bull Durham. Oh. It's going to be the catcher.

It's going to be Kevin Costner's character, Crash Davis from Bull Durham. In my opinion, the best, the best sports movie ever made, I waffle. I liked it better when it was Tom Bergeron or whatever. You're building a franchise around a career AAA player. A guy who couldn't make it to the show.

Come on, man. He was in the show for nine days. Motherfucker watched the movie. Yeah, don't do that. He had heart, man. Fine. Had a cup of coffee. Couldn't hang in the show for nine days. Motherfucker watched the movie. Yeah, don't do that. He had heart, man. But fine. Had a cup of coffee. Couldn't hang in the show.

Mike, why do you hate heart so much? Because I like results. Some baseball players have heart. Mike, when was the last time you were in the show? Listen. Stop. If his arms still work. Me and Mike were hitting dingers on MLB The Show not eight days ago.

Drinking beers, my man. Yeah, man. Crash Davis. We don't run derby a lot. My favorite character in my favorite sports movie of all time is Crash Davis. Is Bull Durham your top? Yeah, I think so. Sean, what do you believe in?

Man, I wish I could. Well, ask me in about eight seconds. I'll just say what I believe in, man. Yeah? I believe in David ratting me out for having sex. I'm not ratting you out. Let him go. Will you not fucking interrupt me every time I fucking try to talk?

Doing a bit. Piece of shit. I think it's cool that Ian fucks a lot. I'm sorry. I'm a dickhead. I believe in David ratting me out for having sex. I believe in ordering Postmates on my drive home from work. I believe in getting so stoned

that I play Stardew Valley for 17 hours in a row. I believe in doing a funny thing with my nuts in a mirror and making myself laugh. Texas belt buckle. I believe in face lotion. I believe in putting on a body spray

and then a cologne and making my own scent. I believe in going to In-N-Out after dinner. I believe in going to In-N-Out after dinner. I believe in going to In-N-Out after breakfast. I believe in going to the driving range in a bucket hat and then wearing that bucket hat for the rest of the day. I believe in curveballs that hang up in the air and I'm like, I don't really watch baseball, and then I turn it off.

And more than that, I believe in all fantasy everything. Damn. Well, now I can't do it. What do you believe in, Sean? Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curveball, high-fiver, good scotch,

that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing AstroTurf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot. Softcore pornography. Opening your presents. Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve. And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses the last three days.

Good night. I bet you believe in those kisses, you sneaky little devil. I do. I am thrilled about them. Fantastic pick. Thank you, buddy. David, time for your fourth pick.

I don't know what just happened. Have you seen Bull Durham? Not in years. I don't think not never. I don't have VH1 anymore. It's a fine movie. It's okay. You say I don't have VH1 anymore?

That's very funny. Yeah, I'm a funny guy. I'm picking Hilary Swank playing Maggie Fitzgerald in Million Dollar Baby. Yeah, buddy. Because how do you not love that? Yo, how do you not love the plucky young girl who comes from nothing who just wants to beat the shit out of people? Like, yo, if you don't love that shit,

your heart pumps some other shit than blood, man. You got to go figure that out. She was so like, you watch that movie, she was incredible. You love her. Like, when I watch Million Dollar Baby, you love her like when i watch million dollar baby you love her you're like yo i see you going for it and i like love you and everything you're about you got nothing all you want to do is just punch other chicks in the head and i get it man i get it man and then like it go but i love it i love that movie. I love her. Maggie Fitzgerald from Million Dollar Man.

What does he call her in that movie? Bitch. No. I'm kidding. That's not true at all. It's a Gaelic word. I forget what it is. Babu.

Is that what it is? I don't think it's Babu. I don't think it's... Boo-boo. Hey, boo-boo. We got some bigger than baskets. Hey, boo-boo. We got some bigger than baskets! Hey, Boo-boo! I left your stool out.

Hey, you got a big fight tonight, Bobo! Hey, Mambo! Hey, Goo-goo! Mambo Italiano! Hey, Bobo! Bobo Italiano! Hey, Mambo! All right. I know what he calls her, but boy,

I do love that movie in my heart. It makes me feel good. All you calabras into the bubble. Like makes me feel good. Makes me feel good. Like, just that character. I mean, if you don't feel like you relate to that character, I guess you don't feel like you fight hard or some shit. That's a movie that's hard to watch. Yeah, but you got to watch it, man.

Like, God bless her heart. Like, she just wanted to be good at something. And she wasn't, except for that one thing. And she went so hard for it, and it fucked her over. But that's like, you know, that's the cause to entry. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Maggie Fitzgerald. I feel like that got way more serious than I wanted it to. It could be serious. It's still a very funny podcast. It's a serious film. But yeah, Maggie Fitzgerald in Million Dollar Baby. I really appreciated her. I love it, man.

You! Shout out to Swank. A little heat check. How we doing? Everybody good? Yeah? Chilling? I didn't cool you off too bad with my serious pick.

Next one's going to be funny. I swear to God. Mikey, time for your fourth and your fifth picks, as it is. All right. We will revisit the ice. A lot of people might take this person's coach, even though they were a drunk who hung up their skates at 12 years old. This motherfucker.

The kid quit hockey at 12, and they're just like, hey, you got a DUI, you got to coach hockey now. I am taking the motherfucker wearing the C on his sweater. I'm taking motherfucking Charlie Conway. Yeah, dog. Minnesota zone. I'm saying. Oh, that wasn't

Minnesota. Yeah. He's from Minneapolis though. Not St. Paul. Definitely not from Minneapolis, though, not St. Paul. Definitely not St. Paul. Definitely not St. Paul. I didn't know that. He never even set foot in St. Paul, I bet. Oh, no. Refused to show up to those games.

Goldberg's Deli was in Minneapolis as well. Hell yeah. So that is, yeah, that's what I'm taking. Mastered the triple D. Unlike his coach, who couldn't get it done. One, two, three. They really made the triple deke look pretty easy. Not even that. It's literally just bouncing the puck back and forth.

If you like, just, yeah, not a dribble, like not a crossover. Oh, no! I broke a glass. It's all good. David, you're too drunk. Calm down. You're going to blow it.

You literally are too drunk. I accidentally hit a glass with my foot. Those aren't the same thing. It's all good. I think everybody's doing great. I'm sorry, pal. Yeah. We're all good good he's too drunk

if you want I'll rub Sean's face in it I will run you up a flagpole motherfucker Mikey your final pick alright I am going back

to the world of video games I need myself a power hitting first baseman yeah I need myself this little pudge of a man

I need myself Pablo Sanchez. Four foot nothing. 250 pounds of power hitting. 10 years old. Cranking him. Out of the park. Is he from Backyard Baseball?

Backyard Baseball. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's why like when I see Black Garret. Those aren't his stats though, right? You just said that.

I'm estimating. I don't think that that is an estimation of a body of a human. Did you say four foot oh two fifty? Yeah, about that.

He was round. He was built like fucking Kirby. Not the baseball player, the fucking video game. But also partially the baseball player. Oh, man. Yeah. So, yeah. You nailed it.

Yeah, I know. I know I did. I know what I did. Excellent. David, your. Yeah. So, yeah. You nailed it. Yeah, I know. I know I did. I know what I did. Excellent. David, your final pick. I'm taking Doug Glatt from the movie Goon. Ooh. Man, what else do you want from a dumb guy who just is good at beating people up?

That is a good... I like that movie. That movie rules. Both of them are good. Both of them are good. Check them out on Netflix. And he was just like, he didn't even want it. He was just like, he loved hockey.

And they were like, this is what you serve. And he did it. And it was beautiful. It's just like, you ever watch those documentaries about the enforcers on Netflix? Yeah. That's how they all were. They were like, yo, I love hockey, but Wayne Gretzky was better than me. So this is what I did.

Yeah, it sucks. It's sad, too. It's not sad. It's beautiful. It is, but like that. It's like not everybody gets to be the place in the world that they expect, but everybody gets to help out. Like, I really, I think the place of an enforcer in hockey

is like a beautiful thing. You know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. I got to like, I'm rough and tumble. You're not. I got to put my man on. Yeah. You got to protect the stars, but also like to turn a crowd.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If your home crowd's dead and you fucking ragdoll somebody, maybe they're feeling it. Maybe they go get a couple more beers. I think it's one of the cooler things that happens in sports. I think it's lead blocking for an entire season, and I appreciate it.

So yeah, Doug Glatt, the enforcer from Goon. Hell yeah. I've never seen it. Sean, time for your final pick. You never saw Goon? Oh, it's good. You should check it out. You would love it.

That's crazy because you would love it. I'm busy. Sean, your final pick. You never saw Goon? Oh, it's good. You should check it out. You would love it. That's crazy because you would love it. I'm busy. Sean, your final pick? I'm going to pick, I'm going to go to bowling and I'm going to pick Walter Sobchak from Big Lebowski.

Had to go to the bowling. Now, is that because you like to flash your piece on the lanes? The man's an athlete, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you right now, I've seen a goddamn athlete in my day and I'll be damned if they don't have a crew. He was on the lane. The man's an athlete, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you right now, I've seen a goddamn athlete in my day

and I'll be damned if they don't have a crew with that. He was on the Hell's a K song. He saw his friends die face down in the muck. Bowling's at such a disadvantage though as a sport for fictional characters because no fictional character will be greater than Pete Webber. Yeah, Pete Webber's

an animal, bro. Is that who do you think you are? Who do you think you are I am Who do you think You are I am I say that in the mirror Every day Before this tour I say it all the time

To nobody Yeah man Walter Sobchak One of the best Athletes in movie history Oh yeah What's your favorite Walter Sobchak line

It's a league game These men are cowards? That was maybe a bad thing. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass? You see what happens? You see what happens? You see what happens?

This is what happens. Isn't that not even that movie? Oh, yeah. You were thinking about Kingpin for a second. I got confused with Kingpin for a second. Yeah, you were thinking about Kingpin. Also a great movie that I look forward to. Different athletes all together.

Completely different. But I'm too drunk. So yeah, Walter Sobchak. All the way from Leo Carrillo to my next pick. The final pick of the draft. And with the final pick, I'm going to take someone who not only has met a number of presidents, take someone who not only has met a number of presidents, started a successful

shrimping business, invested early in Apple, but also opened up the door to fucking China during the Nixon administration because of his table tennis skills, and was a kick returner for the University of Alabama.

I'm taking fucking Forrest Gump. Woo! That's solid. That's a solid. Yes, it is. I love how that's all they used him as, a kick returner. They're like, this guy can't read a fucking gap.

We can't throw him in the backfield. I know. He's Devin Hester. That's all he fucking is. I think it is. Oh, Devin Hester's fucking amazing. How great was Dante Hall as a slot? Devin Hester's fucking amazing. How great was Dante Hall as a slot? Devin Hester was a better player than...

They couldn't even run like a toss with Forrest Gump. It was just the kick return. Just had to get it right in the bread basket. Like, go. Because if they did, he'd just run to the sideline, I guess. We had a kid like that. His name was CJ Kranz he is

in Canyon City prison now but it's quick still running to the outside you know what I'm talking about first guy in the

lunch line every day he can't he's not gonna listen they don't get iPhones fucking Forrest Gump, dude. He was an amazing athlete. Yeah, seriously.

That's fucking perfect. And he didn't mean to ruin your Black Panther party. Maybe she should go home to Greenbow, Alabama! He shouldn't be hitting you, Jendi. And he shouldn't have been. She ticed and locked cigarettes. My, my, my, Mr. Gump.

Your mama sure do care about your schooling. Yo, I will kill that dude. That was the worst. From that day on, anytime I went anywhere, I was running. Oh, yeah, he was a prominent jogger as well. Forgot about that. Any invented shit happens. Yeah, he was a prominent jogger as well. Forgot about that. And he invented shit happens.

Yeah, he did. And the smiley face. What, you just stepped in shit. It happens. What, shit? Sometimes. That gives me an idea for a short run series of bumper stickers. He's so smart, Joey. No, it was a long run.

Yeah, they had a good run. The movie still brings me to tears every fucking time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's fantastic. I was going to do

the theme song, but I was afraid I would mistake it for the Jurassic Park one. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. No, that do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do went first. And you took Neon Boudreaux.

That was also going to be my first pick. And then Jesus Shuttlesworth. And then the tiny little dragon, Yoshi. And then Charlie Conway, and then Pablo Sanchez. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. David, you went second.

You took Benny the Jet Rodriguez, Becky the Icebox O'Shea, Sanka, Hilary Swank's character from Million Dollar Baby, and then Doug Black from Goon. Stand by every pick. Sean, you went third. You took Happy Gilmore.

I'm saying. Ricky Wild Thing Von. Danny LaRusso, the Karate Kid, dude. Crash Davis. And then Walter fucking Sobchack. Over the line! Market zero, dude. It's a league game.

I went last. I took Clubber Lang, Goldberg the goalie, Johnny Utah, Steeman Willie Beeman, and then Forrest Gumpro. Did you guys leave anybody good on the board? Did you guys leave some good ones on the board?

The fat kid from the Big Green. We left Julie the Cat Gaffney on the board, dude. Juana Man. I had Joe Cain from the program. The guy who took Charles, the Monstar who took Charles Barkley's powers. Latimer. Latimer from the program. Latimer.

Please, look at the table. Willie Mays Hayes. Serrano. Bobby Boucher. Fuck you, Joe Boucher. Ooh, Bobby Boucher was a goodie. Rod Tidwell. Sidneyano. Bobby Boucher. Fuck you, Joe Boone. Ooh, Bobby Boucher was a goodie. Rod Tidwell. Sidney Dean.

Sidney Dean, yep. Rod Tidwell was also a goodie. And USC running back number five from NCAA 2006, which would have been Reggie Bush, but, you know. But technically. Technically, it's not him. Wink, wink. Can't pay the motherfucker.

Technically, he never played there now, so it doesn't matter. Oh, you know who else we left on the board? Ronamaka. Henry fucking Rowan Gardner from Rookie of the Year. Ah, yeah. Man, when he hit that dude in the face and the doctor says,

funky butt loving. Funky butt loving. And then that fat kid says, did he just say funky butt loving? Yeah. That's one of the funniest shits I've ever seen in my whole life. I watch it on YouTube sometimes

when I'm pooping. Just like, did he just say funky butt loving? I laugh and laugh and laugh. We left fucking Rocky Balboa on the board. We did leave Rocky on the board. We left fucking Ivan Drago on the board, dude. If he dies, he dies.

That's what Pusha T says to me now. Like Doughboy to Trey, if he rides, he rides. We also want to hear all of your picks as well. Please hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. Allfantasypodcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. Shout out to everyone holding us down on the AFE Patreon.

Seriously. We fucking love you. Shout out to Super Producer Marissa back in LA. Yeah. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out St. Sue. Shout out to St. Kelly. Fucking shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Haji. Sue. Shout out to St. Kelly. Fucking shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to Haji Beats.

Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to fucking. Shout out to Atmosphere, bro. Shout out to Atmosphere all day, all night. Shout out to Slug's brother, fucking Jordan. Jordan? Shout out to fucking Air. Their names are Sean and Jordan.

Yeah. Shout out to Air Max's and Jogger's, bro. Shout out to Faded back in LA on a Friday night. Noemisforian.com. You can get your tickets to Faded there. Get your tickets for Faded. Shout out to the Television Academy for recognizing

my brilliance. What else is going on? And for coming to their senses and never giving you a trophy. Shout out to everyone in this room for coming to the show. Thank you guys. For real. Seriously, man,

we're so glad we were able to make it. It's like, this shit is awesome. And, uh... And, uh... Don't, don't, don't play me out like that. And, uh, more...

More... Just give it to him. Just fucking give it to him... More important than all of that. Tune in again next week. Tune in again next week. For a... for a, uh... For another brand-new episode of, um... I'll fantasy everything.

Chicago! that was a hate gun podcast