All Fantasy Everything - Fictional Characters We'd Want to Fight (w/ Zach Harper, David Gborie, Sean Jordan)

Episode Date: December 31, 2020

Knuckle up, bucko. Enemy of the Podcast Zach Harper is back to draft Fictional Characters We'd Like to Fight.Episode Guest:Zach Harper @talkhoops IG: @talkhoopsSponsors:HelloFresh: Go to HelloFresh.com/allfantasy10 and use code allfantasy10 for 10 free meals, including free shipping.BetterHelp: Get 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/allfantasy.Magic Spoon: Go to magicspoon.com/ALLFANTASY to grab a variety pack and use promo code ALLFANTASY at checkout to get free shipping.Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for exclusive mailbag and movie watch-a-long episodes. Check it all out at www.patreon.com/AllFantasy.Rate All Fantasy Everything 5-stars on Apple Podcasts.Deck yourself out in some goods at www.teepublic.com/user/allfantasyeverythingFollow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel @IanKarmel IG: @IanKarmelSean Jordan @SeanSJordan IG: @SeancougarmelonJordanDavid Gborie @Thegissilent IG: @Coolguyjokes87Mars Mel @MarsMel IG: @Mars.MelShow Email: [e-mail] on All Fantasy Everything with Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. This is all fantasy everything. The podcast that fantasy drafts anything and everything from the world of pop culture. From rap crews to hangover cures and everything in between. On this episode, we're drafting fictional characters you'd like to fight with Zach Harper. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. And with me, as always, are Sean Jordan and David Borey. Let's get to it. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything,

the podcast that had a pretty good lunch. A pretty good lunch. I didn't eat, man. I went and stared in the mirror and figured out who I was. Dude, your smoldering eyes are all the sustenance that anyone could ever need. Yeah, you are smoldering right now. Oh, keep going. Keep going. That quarantine hair? You guys are all the sustenance that anyone could ever need yeah you are smoldering right yeah oh keep going keep going huh that that quarantine hair you guys are all great i had i had a request uh from david and ian if i forgot to do this last time can we do the meryl streep thing real quick what are you talking about you want to do the meryl streep thing yeah you remember it david it's

tough over zoom i think but we can yeah i don't know if that's gonna okay i can be i can be or who wants to be old and who wants to be middle young middle street yeah wait do we start on older we do young old and then uh you know yeah yeah yeah you want to be the third one yeah i'll be the third one i thought the third one was something something something helen mirren no that's ian he'll come in that's mine yeah yeah so i'll do old you do young david and then sean can do his thing that he asked us to do this week. I'm just going to play jazz. I'm just going to play jazz here.

Fill it in where you get in, Zach. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Young Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep.

Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Old Meryl Streep. Oh, she's a ghost now. She's haunting everyone in the movies. This is, you can't bottle lightning, man. It was fun. I love doing it. That's not a Zoom thing.

That's an in-person thing. It's the fun. It was fun, though. That fucking fell apart. And now the cats are upstairs, and they just heard me screaming dead meryl streep and they don't know what's going on and that's what i was shooting for that's because they don't speak english that's true speaking of meryl streep let them all talk on hbo max not a bad picture not a bad motion picture well she is the greatest actor of uh of ever ever right isn't that like watch the prom

yeah she in that yeah i do want to see it i'll like it i'm i'm you'll love it yeah it's right where i need to be so who's got the cops oh shit my ride's here huh uber uber cops you get there quicker you know i'm talking about to wash your ass with that reference dude oh shit are you jewish yeah yeah we're all over the place there it is zach harper i was playing uh i was playing nba 2k uh one on my xbox series whatever the new one and i forget who i was playing i was playing the kings and they had an assistant coach on the bench who looked a lot like you was it you so i have been scanned into a previous version of

the game it's possible just my face it's possible that that's just in their library now i don't know i think it might be and they put and i don't know if this is everyone's version but you were on the sacramento king's bench okay which would be apropos that would be because that's where i that's where i grew up you know in the old sacro sacro, you know, in the old sack of tomatoes, as they call it. The old sack of tomatoes. I heard they call it, I heard Dr. Dre calls it sack town is what I heard. There's a part of Sacramento that's the old town, and they call it old sack. That's a real thing.

Oh, I've been there. Shout out to Laughs Unlimited. Yeah, Laughs Unlimited, right? An old sack. Come on, baby. You think I'm out here you think i haven't played old sack i don't like this old sack business one bit i haven't played old sack from way back i played new sack a couple times new sack i've played new sack new sack what are you going for what are you going for with this exactly shout out please sir yeah i got i got scanned i got scanned at some event in uh when they were turning actually over to the the new generation of ps4s and and that whole thing so it's been a minute but i do think i signed a release of like yeah you can use this

if uh you know this is part of the the 2k sports lexicon now library i'm gonna make your character fall in love with rodney hood i don't know if that's an option in the game i'm gonna do it so rodney hood used to used to throw up before every game because he got so nervous really yeah really really i do that before every afe but what i throw up are gang signs i sure do yeah that's why those cops were coming and holla i throw up holla too dude yeah throw up the dough fucking toss it tossing dough sounds like it should be a euphemism right it is i know but it's not it's for making a pizza oh Oh, oh. Wait, David, what did you think? Oh, I for sure thought it was a strip club. Oh, David at HR Puff and Stuff.

What's that one that you went to in LA? What's it called? It has a whimsical kind of name. Which one? Oh, uh. Old Sack. Sam's, Sam's, Sam's Hoffbrow. Yeah, Sam's Hoffbrow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that where you guys drained the ATM? They ran out of money? No, that was a deja vu. Quit telling stories out of school. I think you've talked about this on this very podcast. I don't know what I've talked about. We've done 200 episodes of this.

Yeah. Wasn't Sam Jay upset and was like, this is their fault? Yeah. When we left, Sam Jay yelled and she was like, I'm sorry, strippers. This is our management. They didn't put you in a position to win. And then we left. It was pretty great.

Yeah. Oh, that's funny. They were really like, they were all kind of like, yeah. They were on her side for sure. How could you not be? It's a salient argument. Yeah. Salient solution.

Sean Jordan on Twitter. Sean S. Jordan on Twitter, actually. Sean Cougarmel Jordan on Instagram. What's up, bro? you not be it's a salient argument yeah salient solution sean jordan on twitter sean sean s jordan on twitter actually sean cougar melon jordan on instagram what's up bro sean hair sean long sean long hair in real life yeah man um you know i don't i'm feeling it today i'm feeling the i'm feeling the salad today i like has anybody ever called you sean with the wind no no please please start well it doesn't start now no way no shit i just wanted to know i just wanted to know i was too thirsty on that wasn't i was too thirsty for that name yeah damn it yeah anybody ever call you shanye west yeah i think so i have yeah okay does anybody ever call you the

chanterelle intelligence agency oh i like that i call him chantelle jordan a lot adam posse calls me s dot which is awesome okay i like that like that when you were when you were a boy becoming a man do they call you shanye morris shout out to the poutiest lip in the game oh my god such a when that guy was singing yeah man when you buy that the quivering lip just got to me he was doing it when you bought a car in oregon did they call you sean tonkin local cut local cut what do you what do you got going on anything going on the holidays

are well well once this is dropped this is new year's eve i think this comes out christmas is behind us this comes out new year's eve shit i just realized that wow go kiss a stranger i'm kidding don't don't we're still in the middle of staying home so stay home and enjoy the ball dropping oh that's right the pandemic yeah yeah this new year's it's i was thinking i was like shit this will be just be chilling at the crib for the first time and i don't know how long because we're normally working or doing something like stand-up related on new year's or having a party i hate i hate new year's stand-up yeah except that year apparently i stole it from you you did not it was it was it was destined to be that way and i still got zach i don't know

if you heard but sean like really uncharacteristic of him he got really mean he got really personal vindictive surly i was being a real son of a bitch he was being a real son of a bitch and he just whoa whoa whoa whoa don't don't talk about yourself that way i i'd say i'd say ornery. He was being ornery. He accused me of usurping a stand-up set of his with malice and intent. And push a T. On a New Year's Eve. And push a T. The whole thing was produced by the Neptunes. Yeah.

The whole Helium Christmas or New Year's show produced Attack of the Clones. I don't want to take a side here. It would be my side if there were one to take, just for the record. But why did you do that, Ian? Why did you do that? You didn't actually make it clear why you did that. See, now he's trying to sort of patch up how vindictive he was.

Ian was being very dodgy when I brought it up. He was being dodgy. I'm going to use the word unawares. I was caught unawares. I was not kept abreast of the situation. I was just asked to come in and do a stand-up set, and then Sean orchestrated a cruel fiction around the whole thing.

Yeah. So we're out on Sean just as a crew. Reminds me of the movie Funny People. Yeah. It's a lot like funny people. You know, stand-up comedy. They really nailed it. Yeah. I mean, look, I've been in the game. I know. That's how I saw it. I was Adam Sandler and Sean's behavior was a cancer.

Shit, you know who's in funny people is RZA is in funny people. You know, actually. What kind of stuff does he say in it? I sound a lot like, man, you're too good for Otto. Look at this bitch, man, on the house. Otto, man. Otto's my lotto. You're too good for Otto's, man. Go to Buck 90 and a throwback jersey sound like for the listeners at home sounds awful sounds like sounds like i walked in on somebody telling a joke they didn't want me to hear them

telling is what it's that's that's that's that's what it sounds like to me perpendicular to the square we'll stay a group like flail escape through your drug is little i can't remember That's what it sounds like to me. Hold on, I just remembered another one. Perpendicular to the square. We'll stay a group like Fleur. Escape through your drugger's lair. I can't remember the rest, but you guys basically, that was Rizzo. You sound like Wilford Brimley trying to do an ODB impersonation. Yeah. That's not that far off, I don't think. It sounds like you don't think other people are going to hear you making that impression.

Yeah, I'm not good at it. I always thought I was until you guys told me I wasn't. I used to honestly be like, damn, I'm really good at it. I always thought I was until you guys told me I wasn't. I used to honestly be like, damn, I'm really good at it. I like it. I don't know. I'm erring on the side of chaos here and deciding I like it. Oh, hold on. Actually, when you bring that up, I actually have a poster of an agent of chaos.

Oh, what's that? Right here. It's the Dark Knight, Harper. It's this dark knight harper is this joker poster that i keep unframed rolled in my basement yeah that's uh what does that say there what does that say on the why so serious yeah do you want is it weird for a second i thought you said an asian of chaos and i thought it was going to be like a jet lee poster oh romeo has to die dude see the secret asian man that's what he's an asian of chaos it's true yeah man i'm not i'm not up to much just out here doing it doing that kind of babe like that happy new year david boric coming to us live and in person

from colorado from an ice fishing hut in an undisclosed location in Colorado. David, the GSILON on Twitter. There it is. Cool Guy Jokes 87 on Instagram, lest you forget. Oh, yeah. How are you, buddy? I'm good. Maybe I'll have a phone by the time this comes. I don't know.

We don't know. I don't know when my phone's getting here. I'm good. You know, I'm hoping a bag of walleye. Yeah, but what about fishing, though? You know what I'm talking about yeah calm down david dropped his phone in an ice fishing hole why he did it on purpose he's acting up he did on porpoise there was a porpoise

it was acting up dude had to know had to know it could get dropped at any time. I don't play that shit. Yeah. Now, what people can't see right now is Nikola Jokic is behind him doing yoga, which is just, I just think it's cool. Yeah. Nikola Jokic. It's actually DDP yoga. We got a discount.

I hear that shit is good. I do, too. What? Should we go in on a Dive in Dallas Page yoga set, dude? Yeah. Yeah. If I go in, you mean I already have the DVDs in Dallas Page yoga set, dude? Yeah. Yeah. If I go in, you mean I already have the DVDs in my home in California. Okay, perfect.

I'm going to break in and grab a couple. Jake the Snake. Turn off my bathroom light, too, please. Oh, I definitely will. Jake the Snake swears by it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I'm familiar with the whole lore. He swears by that, and he swears by burlap sacks. And those are the only two things he swears by. Well, also ketamine. Oh, yeah, ketamine. Well. He does love ketamine. Those are the big three for him.

The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. Zach Harper is here at Talk Hoops on Twitter. What's that on Instagram? Talk Hoops, baby. He talks hoops there, too, folks. It's on both platforms. Also Talk Hoops on Venmo. talks hoops there, too, folks. It's on both platforms. Also, Talk Hoops on Venmo. Is it?

Really? Whoa. Okay. I'm either going to send a request for money right now. It's going to be a surprise, dude. We're dropping Venmo. I'm Daddy Fat Stacks on Venmo. No, that's not true.

That would be awesome if you got Daddy Fat Sacks on Venmo. B-I-G-B-O-I. Maybe I can change my Cash App name, though, to something cool. Talk Hoops. Hold on. I'm doing it right now. You guys fill the air with entertaining banter. I think that it's going to be him sending money.

I think he's going to request a million dollars. You think so? Yeah, I think that's what he's going to do. I have it. You have a million dollars. I have it to give million yeah luckily you're good for it yeah i see that i see that art in the background yeah that's not poor man's art no i'm so rich that i i just had that brought in for this and then i'm just gonna throw it away an art piece for house sitting at someone house yeah whenever i house sit for someone i have a crew come in and completely redecorate just for my time there all the old furniture's out new brand new furniture that's not even comfortable i just wanted to you know keep me humble and then as soon as it's out i'd burn it in the house yeah

in the house and then yeah then they deal with it i just blew up your whole existence harper went till you checked that van mode dude wow yeah 69 69 69 cents that's right and it and it says suck it bro yeah you know what i will suck it bro i kept it public by the way too so everyone saw that good i'm going to encourage every all the afv listeners to go ahead and send zach harper 69 cents with the tagline suck it bro yeah and we're gonna get this we're gonna push it across the line we're gonna get it before before 2020 is up yeah i can't wait it's gonna be huge it's gonna be a volvo i'm uh i'm reading in thatopardy book that you can't wager $69 for anything. And that means that probably at some point, some joker wagered $69 and like giggled about it.

And they were like, all right, no, no, no, no, no more of that. That bums me out. I wish that. Like, come on, man. You can't wager 69 or 666, the number of the beast. You can't wager either one of those. What about 420? I'm sure you could.

And if I ever get on, I bet your fucking ass it'll be 187, 311, and beast you can't wager either one of those what about 420 i'm sure you could and if i ever get on bet your fucking ass it'll be 1-8-7-3-11 and 420 that i wager in all of the double jeopardies that i get it's gonna be hard to do that when you're hosting it though dude that's the that's the issue man yeah i'm not only a client i'm a customer i will step up my reading jeopardy i will read aloud every day if you let me host jeopardy i will start reading aloud and that's a big thing they should have show called Chill Jeopardy and you should host it. Where it's just a little more laid back. Yeah, a little calmer. Maybe people have some cocktails during it.

And you make the bids for everyone else. Yeah. I'll tell you what you'll wager. I come up for the anecdotes and I look at my cards. I go, it says here that your glass is getting a little empty. And then I just pour a little more whiskey in it. There it is. Yeah, perfect.

Somebody wagers not a lot of money and you're like have a little more confidence in yourself you're great and then they do yeah wager your money plus a t-bone after the show sure we're in there it is zach harper where can people fuck with you i personally have i'm it's for me you're blacklisted as far as like anything you do i'm not interested right i i i your personality i find to be grading your your great company with a d grading with a d yeah yeah yeah also i hate your takes yeah i hate your takes i hate your guts you know what's wrong with your takes don't do that to me david david has a problem because i came on uh on Faded one night on the live stream. And I started just kind of throwing some theories out there. And then the next time I came on, I gave a lovely recipe for a vegetarian lasagna.

And I felt like it was underappreciated. Because of the take residue? Yes. I think so, yeah. Do you remember any of the takes? I'm a fan of your takes, except for the pistachio one, one which you and i have gone over enough we don't need to get into it right now yeah that's what our hatred bonded over yeah what are some of the takes you've thrown out there the one that david seemed to have the biggest problem with was i don't believe that

mozart um did any of that stuff like i believe that he could play i believe that he could play i don't think he composed it i think his dad did i think he's just saying stuff i think johnny mozart his dad johnny mozart is what he thinks his dad's name is prove it's not what i can't i have no idea why because he was a kid because he was a kid so you were like his dad was like feeding him yeah right like that's dumb yeah to me this isn't it this is just yeah this is just a fact yeah david's a direct descendant of the mozart line so this is personal yeah that's why i'm fucking pissed so yeah he didn't like that also his father's name was leopold yeah but he went by johnny that's not johnny moz true don't listen to him he's just

saying stuff you gotta buy drugs from him then you know johnny but yeah if you if you never bought drugs speaking of nicknames and we were talking about wrestling earlier you know it's always been funny to me is there was a wrestler named ricky the dragon steamboat as if ricky steamboat wasn't enough of a wrestling name no that's a wrestler my My name is Ricky Steamboat. Not enough. You can call me the dragon. Come on. Vince McMahon's just got Coke all over his face.

He's like, Steamboat's not going to do it. We need something else. Something else to spice it up. You've got cake on your plate. You're cutting another slice of cake? Eat your cake. What about this? What if his name was just Ricky and his nickname was the Dragon Steamboat?

Oh, that I like. It's a steamboat made out of dragons. nickname was the Dragon Steamboat? Oh, that I like. It's a steamboat made out of dragons. Yeah, the Dragon Steamboat? Or it's the Steamboat Jesper Dragons? That's a fun ride. Pixar. What if his name was Ricky Dragon and they added the steamboat? To calm it down a little.

They're like, nobody's going to believe this. We ought to water this down a little bit. Johnson, not that much. Yeah. Ricky Dragon, a little on the nose there kid ricky dragon step outside come back in as ricky steamboat please and then we can talk ricky a dragon steamboat there are other dragons there are other dragons yeah yeah so uh oh yeah zach where can people actually oh yeah, you know, if you like the sports...

And I do. I'm on theathletic.com. I'm kind of the voice of The Athletic, or that's what I call myself because I have the most podcasts there. And then there's a YouTube show that we started about a month ago on The Athletic's

YouTube channel called The Restricted Area. It's called DJ Vlad. He interviews old, old timey gangsters and whatnot, in which myself and was knee Lambre, who's one of my cohorts for all this podcasting stuff. We just kind of, I believe he goes by was,

he's was need to me. And so, so big was, and I just have a was need to me. And so Big Woz and I just have... She's always a Wozny to me. She makes us like a sailor, but she's always a Wozny to me. We're doing little 10-minute videos each week, once a week, dropping on Thursdays,

and we have another one coming out this coming... Well, actually, I don't know when this is posting, but yeah, we'll have one Thursday this week. New Year's Eve. It'll be one on New Year's Eve, because we do this every Thursday. You do it every thursday feels like you stole that from us so kind of does well that's the thing is they want they were like hey what day i said it has to be thursday because we have to take away the audience from all fantasy everything we felt

we've been feeling it it's down to six people if you have satellite radio they're tall though i don't know if you guys do you have satellite radio radio. You can find me on Sirius XM NBA radio and Sirius XM mad dog sports radio. It's channel 69. If you do, that's the only, that's the only place they could air. My shit was mad dog. Cause I tell it like it is bro.

Hell yeah. It's just him doing a RZA impression. It's just that for three hours. So you have shows on, you have shows on a, on Sirius radio talking, talking about talking hoops Radio talking hoops? Talking hoops.

NBA radio usually Wednesday to Friday in the morning from 7 to 10 a.m. Pacific time. And then Friday nights 7 to 10 p.m. Pacific time on Mad Dog Sports Radio. But what I'd like – I know I've promoted all that. But what I'd like to promote is I don't want to infringe on any territory here. Then don't. I have a podcast that's not sports. I know. Called Cinepho, in which we review bad movies and try to figure out if they're actually bad.

It's myself and Amin Alhassan. So if there was, in theory, another podcast that existed existed we've been pretty adamant that there's not all right i know i know so just this is kind of a theory it's not a fact like johnny mozart writing everything for all right obviously mozart conjecture so there's conjecture there's a there's a there's an uh unsubstantiated rumor trying to use all these big words on me huh conjecture i know what it means i used it in lax one time talking to my mom so i know i know exactly what that means is it called cinephobe cinephobe yeah yeah what was the last movie and it's about cinnamon you review different cinnamons that have just come out different cinnamon recipes and it's you know it's a little

spice of life we like to call it oh that's delightful i like that you are an entertainment yeah no that that's great cinephile you and i mean that's fantastic it's me and i mean and uh and our producer anthony mays and yeah we do uh every wednesday we've got a so we just did money train we did a two-part episode of money train that's that movie fucking rules whoa whoa whoa dav David let's not say things that are factually incorrect to you you don't mean that David yeah of course that movie sucks it's like the program it sucks

it's fucking boring come on why is it catching a stray I'm just saying man the program is I don't want to throw perfect out there but the program is perfect it's a perfect movie it's perfectly awful first team defense place at the table yeah wow i always think my guys are the ones jason that's that's something rizzo should say

we all know jizz is juice and rizizza knock it off guys in the gym every day well yeah so other than those 10 things i don't have anything to all right cool so you've been keeping a pretty low key right now stay low so pretty much you can only really hear harper on afe so uh just look out for all fantasy everything really uh my name is ian carmel at ian carmel on twitter at ian carmel on instagram at ian carmel on jewish instacart yeah you know if you need gefilte fish they'll bring it to you from a nearby deli that's what i was gonna say it was like in my throat coming out of my mouth that's what i was gonna say is gefilte fish gefilte fish i just watched um guys grocery games the hanukkah quarantine edition that just came out.

And one of the punishments, because they had to redo the whole show, like the structure of it. So there was like a pouch of pain or something like that. And they had to, two chefs had to take a shot of gefilte fish juice and then take a bite out of the gefilte fish. No problem. Sign me up. Born for it. It's really just the vessel of the, like if it was in a shot glass,

it's what's gross about that is calling it a shot. Cause that would set my brain into this weird place where I'm like, oh, it's a beverage and I don't want a fish flavored beverage, but I love gefilte fish. So if I just like, if I ate the whole gefilte fish and then like tipped the bowl into my mouth that might happen

that might happen as a reward for me you know that's what I'm saying why is there anyone saying anything I feel like I'm backed into a corner here I feel very tense all of a sudden drink fish soup your way out of the corner for all I care that is not something I can sign up for i can't i would friggin hurl bruv i would hurl i would love to

see you eat gefilte fish i i mean if it's after a whole bottle of something probably go down like nothing and then i bet it still wouldn't yeah i don't think so i have a strong strong i don't know you got hammered here when you were visiting and you didn't finish the fried rice. The most palatable pork chop and fried rice. And I still barfed, so... Yeah. Still I barfed.

Hate to see what in still I barfed in your bathroom. Still I barfed. And still I barfed, you silly little boy. I'll be heading back to Portland. Don't go in your guest bathroom, for I have barfed. That bathroom is dead to you now. It is no longer part of the house, for I barfed in it.

Good do. Good day. Good do. Good do. Good do. Then I got in my Dodge Charger and fucking peeled out, bro. That's bad. Sean rented a Dodge Charger, drove it down here, hung out, and drove it right back bro. That's fact. Sean rented a Dodge Charger,

drove it down here, hung out, and drove it right back up. A Hellcat. Like a frat boy before he gets married. I was like, I'm going to LA for four days. It was awesome.

He came to visit me in my very green corner that I sit in now. That's all sunny there, man. It is. Right? Backlit. Yeah. Yeah, they look good. Plbert plant jimmy page you look good record a song thank you well let's let's hear zach out

you do look good well you know ian always looks good but you look good right now yeah hell yeah i'm backlit i'm down about 90, 100 pounds. I'm fucking out here. I don't know. I saw him with poop smeared all over his face one time. He didn't look very good. What are you saying? What is this joke?

What is the joke? Oh, David, let me explain. You saw him covered in shit? No, no, no, no, no, no. Just his face. Not shit. Poop. You saw my poop in shit? No, no, no, no, no, no. Just his face. Not shit. Poop. You saw my poop on his face?

David called the poop shit. You're 39 years old. You saw my poop on his face? Oh, you didn't read the newspaper that day, David? Ian didn't look that great one time because I walked in and he was just sitting there and he had poop all over his face and i was like you don't look that good and i go where why is there poop all over your face he didn't know even i think zach tiscani at that point snuck in and smeared poop on his face while he was asleep no he didn't look good he doesn't have a strong sense of smell i don't know if you knew that

about ian oh my god it is so funny when i explain to someone what my job is and then i'm like well you know i thought you had poop all over his face oh my god i'm sorry i'm having such a good time dave no man keep rolling oh boy that got me good yeah i have nothing to promote just try to not let poop get all over your face uh let's see everything watch the late late show with james corden uh try to not let poop get all over your face uh let's see everything watch the late late show with james corden uh try to get zach harper on your bench in nba 2k you know it didn't help the kings i still beat him pretty bad but like they seemed buoyed by his presence that's what i'll say weird thing is i probably tweeted about it in the game afterwards you probably did you probably did tweet about it in the game i'm also doing that tweet about it in the game afterwards. I'm also doing that, yeah. Two fronts.

That's why you got ten things going, dude. I got two fronts. Huh. No, I'm not gonna do it anymore. Finish it up! No, that was all I had. Now, we are gathered here today not to talk about getting poop smeared on your face. Although we could all day.

Although we could all day. What happened was day what happened was you get a staff infection doing that show you will you get a pink eye at the very best that's the whole staff infected yeah the whole it'll be baltimore ravens shit going on uh like cove poop on my face you know what i mean covid covid come on man you didn't he's cove shit what's going on i can't help but feel a little responsible for this i don't know man no don't put that on yourself yeah no it was me yeah okay sean's gone just full-blown fucking kindergarten scatological this episode. Scat? You are the person who thinks poop is the funniest. Although I evidently think it's very funny because I laugh so hard.

Poop. The word poop is the funny part. That's the... That's the chrum. It's the second O that gets you. Yeah, poop. Yeah. It is the second O.

Yeah, pop is not as funny. It's kind of funny but our toilets shut real slow our lid to our toilet shuts real slow and every time i shut it well not every time but more than you would think i step back and sometimes out loud sometimes in my head i act like the toilet has a voice and it's going thank you for your poop voice and it's going thank you for your poop wait so you don't say it you just sometimes i say he says it yeah sometimes i say you do say thank you for your poop yeah sometimes walking by the bathroom she was the first person i said it to she walked into the bathroom afterwards and i was like check this out this is so funny and i shut it real slow and i go

act if i just pooped and i go thank you for your poop and I was like, check this out. This is so funny. And I shot it real slow and I go, act if I just pooped. And I go, thank you for your poop. And she was almost on the ground. She was laughing so hard. So is that how you proposed? Well, he did say, act like I just pooped. That's how it started. Okay.

I'm cleaning off the ring Alright act like I just pooped Sean also just poops and leaves it in there He doesn't flush by the way That's the only thing you can remember about Sean He's a no flusher Yeah you never know what's going on in there You do You know everything that's going on in there because you don't flush it yeah yeah yeah everything uh we are gathered here today not to talk about poop but also

but mostly even to draft fictional characters we'd want to fight yeah yeah that's what we're drafting. What happened was Zach Harper gave us a list of several excellent suggestions, some of which we should have you back soon to do some more of those. The face-off one specifically I loved. But we gave it to the Patreon members. The Patreon picked

this one. They want to know which fictional characters we would fight, and we are going to fantasy draft them. So thank you for that, AFE Patreon. Thank you for that. Zach Harper. Now way, the way we determine the order of the draft is through a rollic, a game of rock,

paper, scissors played between the three of you. And we throw on shoot rock, paper, scissors, poop. We all threw poop cutters. For those of you listening,

we did not all throw buttholes. What if that's what Sean called scissors? Was just like, can you pass me those poop cutters? I want to cut my son's umbilical cord. Would you please pass me the poop cutters? What's the scenario where you have to cut up poop? We're playing. It's not rock, paper, scissors.

It's poop smasher. Poop cover. Poop cutter, paper, scissors. It's poop smasher, poop cover, poop cutter. Oh, man. Poop smasher, poop cover, poop cutter. This has gone off the rails. Oh, my God. And my Mozart theories are bad, huh?

No, yeah. That's what we're doing? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. You made your bed, David. Now you got a shit in it. Holy fuck. So we have to throw again.

You guys all tied. Rock, paper, scissors, shit. Oh, Sean wins. He threw a poof cutter. Happy poof years. paper scissor shit oh sean wins he threw a poop cutter happy poop years did you say happy poop years you're listening to this on poop years eve i've never pissed david off so much this is the only one i'd recommend that your five-year-old listened to by the way yeah five-year-olds get a big kick out of this sorry i said shit earlier

all right all right sean as the winner of rock paper scissors it is incumbent upon you to determine the order of today's draft but before you do that i will remind you it is a serpentine raft and what is that great question although i think you may regret asking it no i'm not gonna do a poop one because i wouldn't be able to keep a straight face no i can't do it i can't let's say you're lacing your shoes up like run dmc you start at the bottom is there isn't there poop on my face there's not do you want me to do a poop one is that what you want you're lacing your shoes up like run dmc no i never have had a poop one ready bullshit he's been prepping poop ones for years

he's got his loaded up run dmc lace their shoes uh like just in a straight line so you start at the bottom you lace across and then you don't go diagonal back you go one eyelet up on that side and then you lace it back across and then you go one eyelet up and back across all the way up and then you tie them real tight and then you run to the bathroom to poop because you desperately have to but you wanted to look cool when you did it you l laced your shoes up like Run DMC. Runs diarrhea corn. Run DMC. What do you mean, runs diarrhea crap?

Yeah, what are you talking about? What about the M? I'm getting loopy. Monster crap. Runs diarrhea monster crap? Bruce, are you still alive? Is Bruce okay?

Yep. Boy, that brought me back down to earth real quick. Yeah. I think we're going to pass out. Oh, my God. I think we all have a firm understanding on how the draft works. Runs diarrhea monster.

Oh, my God. Okay. So basically what it means is You pick fourth in the first round You pick number one in the second round Or you pick number two In the first round Don't do that Now that you know what a Serpentine draft is

Sean what will the order of today's draft be? I'll be going first We're going to go David second, Harper third, Ian fourth. So David's number two. David's, yeah. Hot Carl!

Alright, here we go. Oh, man. Sean, you have the first pick. You have the first pick in the fictional characters you would like to fight. All fantasy, everything draft. And we will get to that first pick right after this short break.

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and see how much you could save. That's policygenius.com. Yeah, we're back. Welcome back to All Fantasy Everything, the only podcast that has ever existed, of course, except for Cinephobe with Zach Harper and Amino Hassan, and all

of Zach Harper's podcasts on The Athletic, where he is the voice of Athletic. Almost too many podcasts to mention, but tune into all of them. Every. Single. One. Every single one of them. But except for those, All Fantasy Everything is the only podcast that has ever existed. Now, we are here to draft fictional

characters you would like to fight. John Jordan, you have the first pick in that draft. What will that pick be? Percy from The Green Mile. You remember Percy? No, remind me who Percy is? The guy who didn't wet the sponge. He's the guy who didn't wet the sponge in The Green Mile. He's the guy who killed

the mouse. He is the worst most cowardly i since the second i down to his hair i cannot stand that guy he has zero redeeming qualities he's the worst and given the chance to redeem himself that's when he doesn't wet the sponge and he he's just the worst he's the absolute worst he kills the mouse right in front of bill is that the guy's name or whatever whatever the guy's name is that creole dude that's in there for murder but i just have wanted to fight that guy since the second he stepped on screen and i can't stand him the character's name is percy wetmore percy wetmore we need to wet the sponge a little more percy you jerk wearing the sponge what does that make it painless when you die in the electric they put that they it like conducts the electricity or

something so you don't burn i guess i'm only going from the visual off the show but like because the dude ends up like frying and it doesn't he doesn't die right away he he dies it takes minutes so just sitting there getting electrocuted for minutes when normally it's like what an insane thing by the way the electric chair there wasn't a better way to do it i don't know it used to be the rock dwayne johnson would just just come out and punch a hole in your shit just slap you around all wacky slappy yeah percy that dude is absolutely the worst. He's just horrid. Nothing good about him. He's not like a lot of villains who, given the chance, turn kind of good.

Everything about him is terrible the whole time. Pissed off Tom Hanks. That's hard to do. Hard to piss off Tommy Hanks. Yeah, hard to piss off the Hanks, man. Percy's a very punchable name, too. It is. Yeah.

And he's got that air about him of like not a lot makes me want to fight people but somebody who thinks they're untouchable you're like there ain't nothing even if you're gonna get in a bunch of trouble there ain't nothing stopping me right now yeah the trouble i might get might be a consequence but there's no brick wall of trouble i might get in stopping me from beating the shit out of you and somebody who thinks they're immune to that or that can't happen to them, it just kills me when people don't realize that there can be direct consequences. Would you beat him up and then throw a wet sponge on him and then be like,

now clean yourself up? Oh, yeah, yeah. That sounds like exactly the move. And then he'd still be like talking about, well, daddy's going to do this for me. I'd be like, whatever, dude, I just beat your ass so whatever dude whatever dude i just beat your ass you say whatever you want i don't care yeah that's not is your daddy gonna come rewind time and unbeat your ass because i just beat it dude so sit the fuck down shut up percy from the green mile yeah excellent pick uh david time for your

first pick i've talked about this guy before so i'll just keep it short and sweet garfield the cat yeah he can catch these hands that ungrateful bastard wow god i hate that dude he just sits or he doesn't even have a fucking job he just sits around being a dick to odie sleeping all day yeah john goes to work and then he doesn't want to eat his lasagna that john made for you you're a fucking cat his cat lasagna that's the that's the wildest part no he loves lasagna he hates mondays he hates mondays for why he doesn't have a job. Yeah, that's a great point. Why does he hate Mondays?

Maybe that reminds him that he doesn't have a job. He has nothing. He has nothing to live for. He's one of those shitty people that puts people down because he's got nothing going on in his life. Damn. You've heard the take about why he hates Mondays is because that's when John goes to work and he's alone. He's addicted, John. No more. he's addicted you ever notice he embarrasses him in front of women all the time i've said all this john embarrasses himself okay that's no garfield loves it dude he's a little dickhead didn't garfield make him drink dog semen at some point

or did he do that on accident yeah yeah wait what yeah that's that's canon there's a famous cartoon where it turns out that john drank dog semen i gotta look this up yeah you look it up it'll it'll pop right out google google google john dog see it ain't hard to find see what see what happens yeah john rb it's actually john seaman They had to give him the wrestler. They gave him the nickname dog. You can't Seaman him. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Fuck Garfield. Now the cops are on their way to your house. Yeah, Garfield is a little prick. He's a little prick, dude. I never found him endearing what did you pick up on the tail and like swing him around and launch him how would you beat him up

like i'd shake him fried time to a tree dude i'd do what would they do to stray cats and tom sawyer i'd do that damn what did they do to him tie a knot in his tail or some shit little dickhead think you're gonna get over on me you eat lasagna and you're a cat you eat lasagna regularly you think that that's john budget's lasagna for you yeah he's got a good life would you like jim davis's explanation of why it's not dog semen or do you not oh yeah he talked about it yeah yes on the farm we used to give first calf heifers a high-protein supplement to help them deliver healthier calves. The supplement was provided by our vet. All right.

This all sounds like dog semen. Well, it's going to get worse. I assume that there would be a similar supplement for dogs. So John is drinking a protein-enriched dog or a drink formulated for a pregnant dog. Yeah, that's exactly what we said happened. Semen. And then punctuate it with, there you have it, exclamation point. It's dog jizz.

A longer way to take the walk to get to the same park. Yeah. So we're all on the same page about that jizz thing. Yeah, even Jimis is on that page he's just trying to be more highfalutin about it yeah he's just using it's low it's low lowfalutin because it's dog the falut is full of dog jizz and he drank it now it's an empty falut this this is this is certainly one of our episodes you can't wait for my mom to listen to this one.

Hi, mom. Yeah, it was good. I'm not going to sell my mom this. I'm talking about jizz. What if she finds it on her own? That's a possibility. I don't think she gets much past the first 30, 45 minutes. How deep are we?

So she's just not even the intro? She just likes to hear the recap. We're pretty deep. Harper, time for your first pick. I'm going bold here, okay? And I have to say, my likelihood of winning this fight isn't high. Wow. But if I did, I'd be a legend

for beating the ass of Clubber Lang from Rocky 3. Whoa! Yeah. If I catch him with one on the goodnight button, I'd never have to buy a meal again Have you ever boxed? Yes Well sparred lightly

I've not gotten to an actual boxing match Was it a man the size of Mr. T? No it was not He was considerably smaller Have you ever tapped someone on the goodnight button? Not in a boxing ring. Well, not until you're married.

That's obvious. Oh, no. The goodnight button. Oh, man. The goodnight button. Hey, honey, before we go to bed, I was thinking of hitting the goodnight button on you. What do you think? What do you say I tap the goodnight button?

But man, can you imagine if I knocked out Clever Lang? It would be the first thing that would always be said when your name brought up. Yeah. Yeah. Zach Harper. Oh yeah, dude,

you know, that guy had knocked out clever Lang. That's how I would introduce myself. This isn't what, who do you like to beat up? It's who would you like to fight? So how you would probably get beat up is remember Zach Harper, that guy who got beat to death by clever.

That's going to be how at your funeral, we'll be like, he was a bold gentleman. What happened to Zach Harper? Oh, he got beat to death by Clubber Lang. Yeah, no, no. Yeah, he's gone. Why did he fight Clubber Lang? He wanted to.

He proposed the fight. Clubber Lang was at lunch, and he beat him to death. Clubber Lang had a corndog in one of his hands when he punched him to death still. He punched him to death and then took a bite and then punched him again. He tapped him on the goodnight button. For good measure. I think of all of us,

you would have the best chance against Clubber Lang, which is actually the worst case scenario because you want to die as fast as possible if you're fighting Clubber Lang. Yeah, we're all going to lose. So if you have the best chance, it just means you're fighting him the longest. Yeah, we're all going to lose. So if you have the best chance, it just means you're fighting him the longest. If I catch him, though, you know? If I catch him. Run to the goodnight button.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life is about, you got to take gambles. I don't know what having sex with him is going to help with this fight. It's going to calm the fight down, David. Have you ever wanted to fight and then had sex and then your urge to fight is drastically lower? Here's how I know Dave has never fought Clubber Lang before.

He doesn't think sex is part of it. He's a sensual man. Truer words were never spoken. You've got to use every arrow in the quiver when you're fighting Clubber Lang, my friend. Yeah, you've got to make him quiver. Yeah, one-year Morris lip. That's what you got to do. Time for my first pick man i have a

lot i'm going to take alan rickman in love actually oh yeah dude yeah every time that part comes up laura's just like what a fucking asshole and i'm like yeah man yeah it's it's tough just the fucking words for those of you don't know i mean if you haven't seen love actually yet i hadn't seen it until like about a month ago but now i've seen it i've rectified my ways and now i get to be condescending you've never seen you've never seen it until a month ago all those years we lived together i never saw it you never put it on dude i've never seen it all the way through i get like 20 minutes in and then i'm like oh my word i love i might watch it again before we're recording oh my word i love i might watch it again before we're

recording this before christmas uh i might watch it again before christmas i really like it but yeah his character is married to emma thompson who's wonderful she's awesome she's so great in it they have kids together and then his secretary at his whatever his job is is like i don't know she like she's he's the he's the man at the job whatever it is he's the man but he's not that alluring sheila has a crush on him for some reason maybe because he's powerful i guess but like they don't make any sense together and then he buys her this dope ass necklace but emma thompson finds it thinking it's for her and then he ends up getting her what like a shenaid o'connor cd and gets her um joni mitchell cd joni mitchell cd that's right yeah yeah yeah and just devastates

emma thompson yeah and at that moment yeah i would just love to kick the door down rip my shirt off what are you wearing i was kidding you were so ahead of me i was like what are you gonna rip off yeah maybe i kick the door down rip off my winter jacket because it's england at christmas i just tear that off and then i'm not wearing a shirt underneath and then i and then i make two i whistle twice like a steamboat and then i come in and i just fucking the dragon steamboat like that you know and then i come in and i fucking tackle alan rickman into a christmas tree and then i just like well you don't even bend your arms but you just like swivel your swivel your waist so you're

just wailing on them yeah and i just give them yeah get your power yeah well you cheated on her with a girl who dressed like the devil at a christmas party what the fuck is wrong with you i mean come on that's the thing it's like that to anybody it's never i feel like that doesn't stop happening like someone is always going to want you you know like someone's there's always going to be someone who has a crush on you yeah and it's always gonna feel new it's just it's such a sad thing because you're like you that ship that part of your life is over and it's not bad that it's over it's it's great you're done with that yeah you are married you have a family the love of your life like you can't control your thoughts but you can

stop them and he acted on it and that's the part where you're like no you blew it man you that's it's to me it's like it's damn near the same as like if he did because i don't it doesn't say like if they actually had sex or whatever, but what's the big difference? However long your penis is? It's like your thought was there. Your brain was there. I'm saying if your penis actually literally goes in, that's the only difference. Other than that, you cheated.

You lost me at the end there, but like... Yeah! Me too, dude! I believe it made sense in your head yeah it sure did it sure did some people out there it made sense too i bet someone gets what i'm saying if i could if i could ask the listeners right now to put the kids to bed yeah i'd like to say this alan dickman oh alan dickman to go back to the program put the women and children to bed and go looking for fucking dinner boys you know what i'm talking about doggies it's a quote from the quote from the program david's favorite movie i'm just saying he does love that movie yeah alan rickman from love actually i just want to fucking wail on him how dare you it's a great

pick how very dare you how very very dare is how very how very dare is in you uh now i'm gonna go with my second pick here and i am choosing to beat up harry potter's entire adoptive family oh yeah dude his wow yeah wow yeah who's the dude um his stepdad or foster dad or whatever that's such a prick i'm coming i'm riding in on an owl i come flying they're like what's that huge thing dangling from an owl the owl i'm holding hands with it the owl swoops in drops me off through the window and i fucking roll i do a roll and as i'm standing up i uppercut the sun not even the dad yet i go you hit the sun first i hit the sun i hit the sun first oh i thought you meant like the sun like the sun and the moon hit the second generation so hard the first one feels the first one he's

like oh my god i just had to watch my son get hit and then the sun's not knocked out but he's like and he's watching the whole thing and then i beat up the dad in front of the sun just like watch watch your dad get beat up the mom i'm not gonna hit a woman i'm not gonna hit a woman you know what i mean but like no yeah yeah and again pardon my ignorance the dad is a terrible person right it's the dad they're all terrible yeah they all hate him and they all they're all so mean to harry potter they make them live like a like in a terrible they're just awful to him they're awful they hide his destiny as a wizard they're just terrible obnoxious people they all have very punchable faces they're just terrible to harry potter isn't one named dudley yeah i think dudley is the son right or wait yeah dudley's the son

yeah yeah yeah i had to go to my uh harry potter expert call call him deadly because that kid ain't gonna be living no more no that's right he's gonna get beat up by an adult i normally wouldn't beat up a chubby little kid but this time i am i'm beating up a chubby little kid they're just fucking terrible yeah i'm with you man his dad looks like a pig he's like a little hate so yeah face motherfucker and he's getting beat up anyway those are my first two picks i'm beating all those motherfuckers up harper time for your second pick i've always hated this kid teenager not a child well i'm gonna pick a kid later because i hate that kid too oh boy he's gonna pick boss baby just gonna beat the shit out of beat the shit out of that baby it's okay because he's a cartoon

um i hate this guy i never liked him being a hero he drives me insane i think he's a whiner i think he's friendless for a reason i'm picking danny larusso the karate kid oh i hate this guy. He is New Jersey trash, okay? New Jersey trash. And I'm going to show him what that crane kick can't do. It can't beat this guy because I see that shit coming. I got a scouting report, and I'm going to destroy it. This isn't a, oh, here, we're going to do a little karate move. No, we're brawling, Danny.

I like that you're picking up a kid who already got beat up yeah yeah because i know he can i know he's i know he doesn't have it unless it's an organized event this ain't gonna be organized you fought clubber lang you could take him yeah i beat up clubber lang you kidding me yeah i mean you fought him sean looks like you just picked sean i'm i uh i choose to quibble i yeah that's a new platform all those people got tv shows on yeah yeah watch my will smith set on short live short live i daniel larusso was my hero for years i wanted to be daniel larusso so yeah you pretty much said you wanted to fight me so that's uh it's tough i know i gotta fight you with hugs i'd let you in yeah you know

you're too i don't want to mess you know i don't want to mess up what we have so i just lay down and be like do what you must and he's new jersey trash no i'm not you're right you're right i would never fight sean because he was in a he was in a gang in south dakota Russo was there in the Crips. What body bag, man? You say was. Am I dead? Because I'm, you know, so. Body bag, my friend. Put him in a body bag! You got that Crip crew neck on right now, I see.

Sure do. A blue crew. It's a crew Crip neck, actually. Would you sweep the leg? Sweep his chin. That's what I'd do. Damn. Damn. I don't know what. That's what I'd do. Damn. Damn. I don't know.

I don't know what that means, but I felt like it worked. It works. Yeah. It is tough because you see him in the end when he does, when he wins and you're like, it wasn't a fight. You didn't want to fight.

You know, it was very, very organized, you know, situation. So yeah, we're not wearing pajamas this time as you get to like pick your spots yeah you gotta fight now bro yeah so you get that leg high in some 501s i'm gonna beat your ass in a boot cut it is so funny when like once like uh chuck norris and all and like steven

seagal were like now i want to beat people's asses in jeans and then they did all those moves in jeans that ain't how you wear jeans my man seeing kids fight in jeans and like no matter what at some point in a fight someone thinks they should throw a kick most of the time and whenever that kick gets thrown

it's usually in jeans and you're like that was a horrible idea whatever way the fight was going you turned it not in your favor by throwing a kick in jeans the crotch will veto the kick your foot goes laughably high like just at such a low like what do you think kicking him in the like in the middle of the thigh is going to do for the rest of this fight i know you thought that was going to hit him in the temple and it's going to be one and done and then you're dating whoever you want to date after that but it's not how it goes damien larusso's getting his

ass beat i like it all right david time for your second pick my second pick is i don't remember his name uh david spade from tommy boy oh yeah oh yes fuck that little turd you need to knock him upside his fucking head he talks to you like that you're gonna let him talk to you like that this whole movie what's he bringing to the table can't sell shit can't do shit in charge of watching your punk ass and he has the nerve to fucking you know fuck david spade yeah he's mean he bullies he bullies chris farley the whole movie the whole movie and then chris farley's just like such a nice guy that he takes it and that's like the dynamic of their whole shit fuck david i don't know what his last name is but his first name in the movie is richard yeah what's happening yeah yeah you think you're so much better than chris farley fucks you're watching ladies

you're watching ladies by the pool from the fucking drapes, you fucking peeping Tom loser. I hate it. I always hated him in that movie. I always hated him in that movie. He also just, Chris Farley's smart. He's just never had an opportunity. No one's ever had him let him step up to the plate.

Richard's being all condescending and shit the whole time. He is a fucking, yeah. Show me where being aggressively mean to somebody has ever helped you know like all he does is be mean to him the whole movie and you're like or just try being cool and helping a little bit yeah just be cool what are you adding to this nothing because he didn't add anything to it and it wasn't him who had to activate to like start selling parts he never really did do anything but he has the nerve to be all shitty to fucking tommy boy yeah he never had the gear i always hated him always always hated him david spade and tommy

boy yeah yeah yeah i'm with you i didn't even think of that that's a good call hated it i guess he like does torture him a little bit you know chris farley he rips his coat oh that's torture and that was also after they'd been on the road for a while that was also after like two weeks of getting browbeat by this little turn yeah true yeah oh no and and no offense to anyone who shops but i'm sorry your cole's blazer got ripped okay yeah yeah i'm getting you another one yeah it'll be okay we'll go we'll go to the next mervin's right fucking little turd in real life i don't think that movie would go down like the only thing that was keeping him safe was the fact that chris farley was nice enough to not pop in one yeah also chris farley's dad had just died hadn't he yeah. Let that ride a little bit.

Give the dude a little bit of slack. Yeah, real cool. Kelly and Otto parts, for God's sake. Sean, time for your second and third pick. As it is, a Serpentine Direct. My second pick, I'm going to stick with the prison theme. And I'm going to fight the warden from Shawshank. Oh, another absolutely.

Isn't that Ben Stein? No, no, the war. I don't know. I don't know what else he was in. But he's just a terrible, down to the bone, terrible person. He doesn't do anything right or good. There's nothing about him. He doesn't realize the error of his ways at the end. He doesn't say anything right or good. There's nothing about him. He doesn't realize the error of his ways at the end.

He doesn't say he's sorry ever. Yeah, he's just a horrible, horrible person. Tortures people, knows that the prison is corrupt with guards. He himself corrupt, has a prisoner do his taxes, and then strings him along like he might try to get him released and then doesn't and then you know ultimately commit suicide at the end because he's scared of what's going to happen like to his reputation is is why he's just a absolute terrible person and a coward coward yeah how would you do it would you beat him up in jeans i beat him up in the yard dude yeah i mean whoa sit down whatever

the prisoners are wearing is what i'd be wearing. I'd drag his ass out to the yard. It'd be like at the end of Death Warrant, that Van Damme movie. I'd fight him in the yard. All the prisoners are watching going crazy. And it's like a shameful beating. I fight him and I beat him shamefully. And then I let him try to redeem himself and I give him the option. I'm like, stay down.

Kind of like make him say a Matei thing where I'm like, submit. I'm not going to beat you submit you tell everyone that i bested you and then he would do it and then that's it and then when you kick him one more time yeah throw a sponge at him be like you tell everyone that i've bested you here this is for andy dufresne and then i crip walk out of there common theme on all these fights how did you get into this prison grand theft auto okay just played that game too much yeah it's easy to escape the prison you just have to know how to crip walk if you start crip walking towards the door they open it for you you just have to know how to do it it's a

known prison fact yeah you can't hide in the laundry see walk out of there yeah i'll see walk you guys later yeah dude uh yeah that that dude is just an absolutely wretched bad person so and i think i got him i think both these two i think i could like actually take in a fight yeah i think i think you got pretty good odds i mean one of the first guys a prison guard i don't know well yeah but he's such a such a soup can dude that he's not like the big ass prison guard that other dude no i could not like the big-ass prison guard, that other dude. No, I know. That guy could not take. Yeah.

But I think I got Percy just fine. All right. And your third pick? My third pick, questionable if I win this fight. I think I do if we're in the octagon. We don't have any weapons or anything. But I think I'm going to fight Jafar. And I think I got him if he doesn't have his staff. From the Lion King? No, from Aladdin? From Aladdin, yeah. I'm going to fight Jafar. And I think I got him if he doesn't have his staff.

From Aladdin? Yeah, I'm going to fight Jafar from Aladdin. In the Octagon. Well, if he's got his wizard staff, I don't think that's a fair fight. In my mind, I'm thinking he can't have that. You can have your wizard staff. Yeah, what if you have a wizard staff?

Thanks for the wizard staff. That's what I was hoping to get out of this. Me and Jafar, both with our wizard staffs shall fight and uh yeah i think i got him another terrible person never never does anything good not anything good he's just a bad bad bad person he looks like prince he might have range he might have like doll seam shit going i know yeah the one thing i bet you he takes off that robe and he's just shredded bro yeah just like a brown god just a middle eastern like honka granite that is i guess i didn't think that he's probably like hella in shape i actually kind of think jafar has hands man i think jafar has hands too i'm stepping in there for the greater good i want to take this

gentleman down and i'll i'll get in there you guys i got hands you guys don't know they're you know right there do you see that coming i got zoom hands jafar's got fast hands i got zoom hands boom uppercut right there what's your major beef with jafar he's a bad person that's i was kind of looking for people that are just bad that they they're just bad to everyone they know they use and they they don't redeem themselves at all they don't and they're all given the chance and they just don't they just don't they stay bad is that on him or the system because i feel like the system sets them up to you know have to be kind of nefarious well so he's a blood and and that's like, I can't have that.

That's where the truth comes out. Only the crypts are a force of good. I think he might have some dirty tricks when you try to fight him, even if he doesn't have the staff, even if you go in the ring. Oh, he's going to poke you in the nose, dude. He's pulling hair. He's throwing salt into your eyes. He's actually thankful to give up the staff.

Thank God. He wants the contact. Oh, you're going to turn me back to the old me before I understand? Oh, thank God. He does that kind of thing. Oh, thank God. Oh, I was praying this would happen. I was praying this would happen.

One of those fights where they're like, ooh, good. Yeah. Snaps his finger right in front of you like, oh, that hurt. That hurt. Bad news, dude. I mean, you you might have them but i don't know yeah i'm not trying to i'm not trying to see jafar though i got good vibes on my side all right you'll need him in the hospital yeah if i if i could just offer some advice you should only fight people in this scenario that you know you could be oh clever lang yeah i get it i get it that's that's a good point david time for your third pick

uh pete from a goofy movie oh i'm not familiar yes he's just such a republican not that republicans are bad but he's just like he's just a dick, man. He sees that Goofy actually has a good relation with his son, and he tries to undermine it because Pete hates him, or Pete Jr. hates him. I just don't like that guy, man. I didn't like him on the cartoon. I didn't like him on Goof Troop, if you guys remember that television show. I've always been anti-Pete, man.

Fuck Pete. Speaking of Republicans, Goof Troop. Well, Harper, andan only gets a little he can only tell this joke for like another month or so yeah but okay and i don't know but ian's got this joke it's extremely political i'm gonna warn you i'm gonna warn you it's dripping with political humor yeah yeah and it's it is it is so funny now uh i'll pass you in the rock real quick thank you uh now and i want before i get into this please feel free to use it but do give me credit um please do now i don't know if it's 1600 pennsylvania avenue uh this is by the way this is kind of inside the beltway stuff just just to get just to warn you just right up top. Kind of DC insider humor, you know, master's degree or better to really appreciate this joke, in my opinion.

But 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, you know, the White House is a common nickname for it. Not the official name. A lot of people don't know that. The presidential mansion. A lot of people call it the White House. But lately, you know, what with all the goings on right political and otherwise political and otherwise yeah and feel free to use this again but do give me credit uh the white house lately what with all the goings on political and otherwise

i've been taking to calling it the loony bin. Oh, dude. Harper left. Zach had to leave. Zach had to leave. I'm going to tell someone right away. Yeah. Probably going to call his parents. Shout out to them, by the way.

Chris got to hear this one. Yep. Let me tell you. Yep. Wow. He got the dog. He can't be alone right now wow and i might have to tie it down the corollary that those fucking in the senate the gop in the

senate i think an apt name for them these days would be the goof troop you should you should write jokes and they should be on on television yeah i'd like to if anybody should be given an award you should be giving an television yeah i'd like to if anybody should be given an award you should be if anybody's out yeah i'd love to you should call wendy yeah you should write for the wendy williams show we have a different kind of relationship but like some of that sleep button let's just say it's not the first time i've seen her faint. You know what I mean? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

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oh, oh, oh, oh, Oh, yeah. Writing his chow down. Harper, time for your third pick. A lot of good ones on the board here.

This is a personal one for me. This is a personal one for me. Billy Zane from Titanic. Oh, yeah. Cal, I'm not shitting you. My next pick was Billy Zane from Titanic. It's got to be a specific scenario, though. He goes running through there. I have a child. child i have a child i'm knocking him out and as he's going to the ground i grab the

kid out of his hands and i put that kid on a lifeboat and i tell billy hey we'll see if there's room after the women and children go first buddy yeah dude wow wow and i just stand over him i just stand over him until all those lifeboats are out foot on his back kind of thing who was it who dunked on was it michael jordan that like stood over who was that dunked on someone and they were on the pippins got it did it with uh with the whole uh patrick b ewan then you do the alan iverson tyronne lou stomp i'm just gonna step over him over and over and over. Back and forth. Get those lifeboats. Getting your steps in. Such a coward in that movie.

Such a coward. Yeah, he's a slime ball. Doesn't he hit? He hits Rose, doesn't he? Oh, yeah. After that. Yeah, such a coward, dude. He's awful. I don't like Leo either, but just because he's Irish.

Hey, no. Stop. Jealousy is an ugly color on you, my friend. Green is an ugly color on you my friend green is an ugly color on you you look great in green i wish i wish your i wish your gang affiliation allowed you to wear it and you do you look great it brings out your eyes when when he's running with the kid do you just like pop out of nowhere like what's up and then bam like that right in the face yeah i come from behind one of those like people who's

like putting the people on the lifeboats right like the i don't know if they're ushers or what they're probably not ushers that's probably not a pressure terminology yeah the ushers on the titanic yeah and then you're just like like surprise and then bam right in the face where his momentum is doing a lot of the the. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. And that's going to be good because now he'll kind of come sliding towards me after I connect and I can just take that kid right out and I'm throwing the kid right onto perfect placement on the lifeboat. Yeah.

So then the kid gets a little fun ride there in a moment of terror. Good for the kid. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Really, this is all about the kids at the end of the day. Yeah. Seems like it. Yeah.

Speaking of kids, time for my next pick and I'm going to beat up another kid kid i beat up a kid with my last pick and i'm about to beat up another kid i'm beating up king joffrey from gang of thrones yeah gang of thrones i said gang isn't that what it's called because there's like a bunch of thrones that's it yeah you got it well get you god i bet you that happened hey what's up you guys watched gang of thrones last night it was so ill dude they got like six thrones on that show there's a gang of them that's a gang what's it called grip of thrones that was the original name for the wire a gang of thrones gang of thrones yeah dude gang of phones just an insane vindictive little prick, man. Well,

and harsh to killing, harsh, killing animals, killing, killing fathers. And he's just such a horrible, even for that universe, which is filled with bad people. Yeah.

It's the worst. Yeah. Joffrey's getting it. I wouldn't even beat him up. I'd pick him up and like hit his guards with him. Do one of those kid things. I'd beat someone. I'd beat someone else up with him. And in the process, beat him up and like hit his guards with him. Do one of those kid things. I'd beat someone. I'd beat someone else up with him.

And in the process, beat him up. Like I'd pick him up by his ankles and just like whip him around and throw him at people. Yeah. Sack of potatoes. Sack of potatoes. Yeah.

Yeah. We could all play Joffrey where it's just like, we throw him at like a horseshoe pole and then I'd be wearing his crown while it was happening. And again, like most of these, I would make a steamboat whistle when i ran in yeah every single one i think that's your signature right and then everyone's like oh shit which one of us come truck it in oh carms is here which one of us is gonna get it someone's got some smoke coming i don't know who it is i'm coming in hot you can't stop me it's like a boulder rolling in like an indiana jones don't don't just don't get in there you know what i mean let him do his thing

right when he's gonna drink the poison you come and slap it out of his hands you're like not that easy my friend life ain't like that no more I gave him a protein shake and some of those grip improvers, and I just sit there staring at him. You're wearing Under Armour, and nobody knows what that is. Head-to-toe Under Armour. I've got the cold weather cap on. I've got the shirt. The cold gear.

Yeah, cold gear. I'm wearing the Rocks Under Armour cross-training shoes. I wear full Under Armour. And I give him a protein shake and the little grip weights. Full Under Armour and you've got Steph Curry shoes on. I've got the Curry 6s and I'm like, you have 45 minutes. And then I just sit there and start doing push-ups at him and shit. Staring at him.

That'd be a nice little, what, ratification, if that's the way to say it, to all these is like, you're in full Under Armour. That makes it so much worse to get beat up by somebody who's in full Under Armour. Oh, yeah. Is it worse to get beat up by someone in full Under Armour or someone wearing Nike and Adidas? Ooh. Wow. Nike and Adidas. Yeah. It's also more likely if it's Nike and Adidas. Wow. Nike and Adidas. Yeah.

It's also more likely if it's Nike and Adidas. I feel like all Under Armour is worse because you make that decision. A lot of people with Nike and Adidas. Well, no, I'm wrong. Well, they don't even think. Yeah. I'm going full Under Armour. Yeah.

Is the Under Armour person screaming, I must protect this house while they're fighting? Now, that's a good point. That is a good caveat. Maybe. Yeah. Well, they're not gonna. They're gonna get their ass beat. Wait, no, I'm the guy in the whole Under Armour.

Yeah, I'm protecting the house. Anyway, I'm beating the shit out of King Joffrey, yo. So that's my third pick. And time for my fourth pick. Now, this one. No, okay, I'm going to save that. I'm beating up Luke Skywalker. Oh!

That was my next pick. Yeah. Really? I'm beating up Luke Skywalker pre-him becoming a Jedi. Because once he becomes a Jedi, he kind of mellows out and gets cool a little bit more so. But before that, he's fucking whiny. He is whiny. He's like, his aunt and uncle took him in on this farm and all he does is fucking whine and he wants to play on a scooter

and bullseye womp rats and shit it's like shut up dude till the soil shut the fuck up who are you complaining to bullseye and a womp rat is a is a less seductive way to say hit you on the sleep button, by the way. Less seductive? I don't know. I would quibble with that. I quibble. I quibble.

Why don't you get over here and bullseye my womp rat and stop talking. If I go over today, I want to bullseye your womp rat tonight. I didn't know it was my birthday. Let's go. My front one or my back one? He's complaining to a bunch of people who also live on Tatooine. They know it sucks, man. Everyone's in the a bunch of people who also live on tatooine they know it sucks man everyone's in the same fucking boat you all live on a desert planet with two sons

chill out anyway on this one i'm buried in the sand and he's walking by complaining you how do you come how do you come how do you rise from the sand jump straight up like he's out of the sand like one of those like one of those defensive tackles that jumps out of the pool onto the ledge like it's just like that spring straight up i grab like in the scorpion king i grab his ankle under i grab his ankle and pull him in with me and then i just beat him up in the sand in the sand yeah and you have a torn rotator cuff at the time, so it's also physical therapy. Yeah, it's PT. Oh my gosh, that's tight. He can't see me, but I can hear him,

and that's a bad recipe for Luke Skywalker. Yeah, I'm with it. Just beat the fucking Tatooine off him. You guys are beating up some... Yeah, give him the force. Let him use it. He doesn't know he has the force yet so he's there's nothing you know old ben's gonna have to come pull me off him you know what i'd say let him know he has it he's not taking you yeah i'm so i'll say

by the way you have a force i'll show him a quick little video on the force while you show him a clip from return of the jedi you say hey that's it's you, buddy. I'm an all Under Armour. This is you dressed in black. You're ready for your funeral. Here it comes. Yeah, I let him watch that while I do lat pull downs in front of him in Under Armour cold gear. I don't have a lightsaber, but I do have a pillowcase full of all my old Under Armour receipts. And it's a lot of receipts.

I'll beat you with that. I'm wearing Under Arm armor fishing bucket hat yeah just beat luke skywalker's ass and it's over for him i love it uh harper done for your fourth pick okay i don't want i don't want uh ian to be the only person beating up a child. Thank you. Because we'll be in solidarity on this one. The kid from Problem Child. Oh, Junior. This kid. Junior. Yeah, beat that kid's ass, boy.

This prick. He is a serial killer in the making. I'm doing the world a favor here. That kid is a complete shithead. He becomes out of nowhere. What kid becomes pen pals with a murderer in prison? Yeah, it's wild. Like all of a sudden he's like, I want to meet you.

Like I want to hang out. I want to learn from you. You know what he wants to learn? Murder. That's what he wants. He's terrorizing people constantly. These people, just all they wanted to do was adopt a child. Just adopt a child, try to do something good.

There's so many orphans out there right so many kids who could use a home and they give this little shit the opportunity yeah and all he does is terrorize everyone he's a problem kid's getting one right in his red head right there he's a problem child oh i get it that's why they called it that's right at what point are you like you got a problem child and then you just start beating him up? The whole time. That's one where you just kind of want to sock him in the gut and let him deal with it. Just one punch.

Just like a short one. Like a zyphoid process, dude. Like that. And then like. Explode his liver. Yeah. You're going to hit him right in the zyphoid process, and then you lean in like Denzel.

You go, breathe, dog. Breathe. Hurts, huh? Junior from Problem Child. Excellent pick. david time for your fourth pick uh man this one is pure heart i don't even i just always hated him david schwimmer on friends yes yes yes i haven't seen enough friends to take him. Me either. But every time I've ever tuned into that show, that guy specifically, I'm just like. Always whining. Shut the fuck up. Will you shut your fucking mouth?

Always. Nothing you have to say I want to hear. Shut the fuck up, Ross. Yeah. Always bragging about paleontology. Yeah, who cares? You're not even like. I don't give a i don't

give a shit he cheated on jennifer aniston he did yeah yeah that dweeb had another woman let her let him have sex with her well yeah they were like they were on a break apparently and like for one day and he cheated on jennifer aniston yeah apparently he broke up with another girl because you shaved her head he's is that true yeah that's true yeah yeah that's that in the show dog i didn't know that what i mean he's a chump anyways but yeah yeah i had a feeling somebody from the cast would come up it's just like a it's just a visceral thing every time i've ever seen i don't know david schwimmer but just like every time i've seen that ross character would do everything it makes my skin crawl.

Man, you know how you beat him up? You go to Central Perk and you wrap your hand up in butcher paper. And you're like, oh, man, I didn't know they started selling sandwiches. And he's like, they would? And you're like, knuckle sandwiches. And then you punch them through the paper. Smash them. OK.

Blast them. See, I was going to take one of those flour sacks full of coffee beans and a couple smushed-up mugs and just tie that in a knot and beat the shit out of him. Yeah, dude. Smushed-up mugs. He's going to have a smushed-up mug. Ask him, did you order a Cap Punchino? Cap Punch. Cap Punch.

Cap Punchino. Cap Punchino. Cap Punchino. Cap Punch. Cap Punch. Cap Punchino. you just gotta say it fast fucking ross from friends man that guy's had a come over a long time yeah i just cannot stand him he's so fucking whiny just yeah swimmer's got a punchable face too oh yeah i want to punch him at the top of it and the bottom of it at the same time so it's not so long weird long face oh you want to smush you want to smush your nose yeah condense him yeah i want the cliff notes of that face i'm gonna i'm gonna bridge your whole shit that's right oh that's a great pick

Sean, time for your fourth and your final picks Fourth pick He's a bad guy Again, I'm gonna go to the animated world I'm gonna pick Quagmire, the bad guy Quagmire? Quagmire He constantly drugs women

And has sex with them, constantly Drugs? Yeah, I guess he does all the time oh wow all the time he drugs women does he drug does he in that show all the time he has there's like a part where he hits a switch on his bed or like in his house and like arms come out of his wall and pin him to the bed and you're like oh that's i mean it's just crazy quagmire is not a good person he's a terrible person yeah so well yeah i thought he was just a funny horny guy next door i don't know yeah he's yeah but he crosses the line all the time all the time quagmire does you guys know that's quite the that's quite the his name we found ourselves yes it is yes it is

yeah um yeah he just he's just not a good dude some justice some justice good yeah you're beating you're beating ass for for justice some street justice out there yeah how would you do it i probably just walk over there i'd probably be hanging out with peter having a few hanging out with peter and brian walk over there and you're like you know what i'm gonna go beat quagmire's ass well peter and i'd have a few pot-tucket ales i'm sure and i'd be hanging out with a talking dog and brian hates his guts anyways so uh yeah they'd talk me into it and i'd be like he is a bad guy and they're like you know there's always like underage girls at his house and i'm like what and then yeah i just walk over there and kind of knock on the door one of those i go you quagmire

he's like oh yeah he's not across the bar no no no we're chilling at the crib yeah i beat him up where he lives so he has to think about it every time you'd have to you'd have to be judicious about where you punished him yeah everywhere dude all the eyes cross all the t's i got a lot of good night button space oh yeah i like that lois you know different draft but i like that lois quite a bit that is quag Quagmire. You don't pine after your best friend's wife. You just don't do it. That's another thing. He's always trying to scheme on Lois.

I ain't having that. This is the millennium of aftermath. It ain't going to be nothing after that. While Peter's watching you beat up Quagmire, I'm going to see if Lois is down to clowns. Zach's got his own scheme going on. Not my best friend. Well, if their infidelity knows no bounds,

then that's not on me. You know, I'm just out here looking out, looking out, trying to do what I can. So, yeah. It's going to be on her. Quagmire. Quagmire is frigging, I'm going to beat his frigging butt.

That's what I'm going to do. Wow. All right. Beat his butt. Beat his butt. Pop those cheeks, Sean. Go ahead. And your fifth pick?

My fifth pick. My fifth pick, I'm going to pick, I just tour i'm gonna pick shooter mcgavin i'm gonna fight shooter mcgavin oh that's a good pick that's a good one it's a great pick i'm gonna fight shooter he he just needs the smug i feel like there's a decent person in there i feel like i feel like shooter could be an all right guy he just he just needs to get tapped a few times to be like hey come on you're not you're not that i don't know i just think it's somewhere in there i think because we don't know his backstory i think something happened to him he was scorned and uh i think if he just sees the error of his ways by a good beat down then he might be all right he might

apologize start doing the right thing why are you giving him so much credo he's also a good guy this is a brand new thing i wasn't thinking this making the list i'm just thinking it right now i'm just kind of you're looking for the shooter mcgavin redemption story here yeah i know he wants the the adventures of young shooter mcgavin what happened to him yeah what well you know where'd your dad go one of those things but yeah i'd fight shooter mcgavin for sure i'd finish the bar fight right there in the bar i'd walk up and i'd grab that broken beer bottle out of sandler's hand i'd be like we're gonna finish this doesn't he get beat does he get beat up by that tall dude yeah yeah yeah he does the nail on his head yeah i believe mr what does he say i believe mr gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago yeah i just love the idea of somebody calling happy gilmore mr get me in there like you're gilmore

in their their relationship as like the blue collar dudes where they're like well i believe mr gilmore accomplished that feat no more than an hour ago you know how you beat up shooter mcgavin dude what you put one of those golf club cozies on your fist. And you make it so it's sticking out of his golf bag. You cut a hole in the side of it. And then he leans in to get his putter or to get his driver. He's like, all right, what is this? About 400 yards, dog leg left. Okay.

And then he pulls the sock off of it. And he's like, what? A fist. And then you bam, right in the face. You punch him. Right in the kisser. Yeah. He'll never see it coming.

Yeah. I think I got Shooter McGavin. I think I'm beating him up. I think he's going to be an alright dude afterwards. Smash cut to three minutes later. He's picking up his teeth with broken fingers. He sure is. Dragging him to the dentist. Find himself in the rough on that one. Yes, he will.

Putt him in his place. Yeah. Putt him right in his place yeah a hole in one you know more like a yeah you know hole in one more like a punch hold on i got it hold on hold on one wait i got it hold on hole in hole in one more like a fist on hole they punch him in the mouth this handicap is going to be a broken jaw after that there you go yeah cover it up yeah there you go perfect put some letters shooting mcgaven all right david time for your fourth pick or your final pick rather my final pick i'm picking buddy love from the nutty professor oh that's such a good pick yeah yes yeah fuck him man fuck him fuck that guy terrible man i was i've thought about this lately like being a chubby kid there was we grew up in the prime era of movies that made you feel bad about being a chubby kid oh like yeah stuff other people could use against

you like the nutty professor uh fat bastardweights, like all the stuff that was like. Absolutely. Yeah, a lot of young aspiring David Spades. Yeah, yeah, a lot of David Spades out there. That was like his whole state. Did you ever even watch when he would do like the Hollywood Minute on Weekend Update? It was just like him calling different people fat. He's a prick.

I think David Spade is a prick. I don't know the guy but every character he's ever played i want to put in the trash can but the point is that uh buddy love yeah the the alter ego of the nutty professor couldn't stand him terrible couldn't stand him terrible the fat guy was the nice one the fat guy was the nice one and he won out at the end yeah he was way better fuck yeah that's a great pick that is fantastic who was the original buddy love in the old in the old one it was jerry lewis still jerry lewis yeah okay yeah was he called buddy love in the original movie professor too i don't remember but that one was he wanted to be cool yeah and it wasn't fat it was just he wanted to be cool oh i didn't

know okay i didn't know that i've never seen the original one yeah uh harper time for your final pick i started bold i'm gonna end bold okay who else now there are some legalities or i would say no no no hold on jesus christ there's some gray area here because i don't want to get in trouble i don't want to get in trouble with certain organizations but oh god i think i could beat up the raptor from jurassic park what this is insane this is i think i could do it all right i there's part of me that thinks like i'm glad this is the last episode of the year i love you but no save that take for 2020 dude yeah look here's the thing here's the thing if i'm the guy who beat up a raptor and clubber lang who's fucking with that's a big f yeah if it was a fifth if my aunt had a dick, she'd be my uncle. What are you talking about?

That's a big F, Harper. Look, that thing got tricked into sliding into some shiny door in a kitchen, right? Oh, we can open doors. Open these fists. How about that? Let's see what happens. It will with its claws. It's a killing machine.

How big? I've talked about this recently. How big do you think a raptor is? In real life or in the movie? In this world whereper's fighting one how big is this raptor oh it's probably like six feet tall right six and a half in real life they were the size of chickens but like or like small dogs yeah yeah i want the jurassic park raptor they're like the size of one they're at least the size of like a pony all right hey man i'll buy a ticket to the fight i'll watch it on hbo whatever i gotta do bare hands does it have to have a little glove on over its killing machine Tony. All right. Hey, man, I'll buy a ticket to the fight. I'll watch it on HBO. Whatever I got to do.

Bare hands. Does it have to have a little glove on over its killing machine hook? Yeah, you can have them. I'm not worried about that. This is insane. I've seen these things lose before. I had the scouting report. They've never seen me fight.

I know what to do. I've got five movies of them losing. Like, are you kidding me? This is insane. They do lose a lot. You could watch ten movies. You're not going to beat a raptor one-on-one. Chris Pratt can control them, and I can't beat up one?

Are you kidding me? I love you, buddy. Have you seen Chris Pratt? I feel less and less like you do lately, though, because of the Amadeus. No, I do love you. It's you. This one, though, Ius no that was i do love you issue this one though i can't go i i understand what you're saying you know his dad's name johnny yeah that was yeah mozart's dad named johnny it's actually short for rella mozzarella

a lot of people don't know that he invented the cheese yeah a lot of people don't know that. He invented the cheese. Yeah, a lot of people don't know that. Mozart, Rilla. I don't like your odds on this Raptor fight. I don't either. But you were cool with Clubber Lang? No, I was also not cool with Clubber Lang. But I do think you have a better chance of being Clubber Lang than a Raptor. A Raptor knows no mercy. Somewhere in Clubber Lang, he was once a child.

Clubber Lang knows no mercy. Born that big, dude. Yeah, he came out with with guns came out clubber long so yeah i'd like to and i and you know what go ahead get the red pen out mel kuyper afe let's see what you got all right get the red pen out get the red pen out let's go challenge this is that. That's my final pick is Mel Kiper AFE.

That is my final pick. It wasn't going to be, but I decided just now. I'm calling it audible. My final pick. That is absolutely perfect. What a way to ring in the new year. The final pick of 2020 is AFE Mel Kiper.

Grading the drafts. I'm going to beat his ass. I'm going to beat his ass. It's going to be an AFE live show. We're going to tell him that we're going to have him be the guest picker. We're in like upstate New York or wherever AFU

Mel Kiper is from and we're going to be like, yeah, we're doing a live show in Buffalo. Come out. You're going to pick and then we invite him out and then he sits down in front of the microphone and then I put my arm around him as though we're friends and then bam, head right on the table. Oh, now it's on. Head right on the table. Then I get up and I start and I punch him and every time i do i c minus c minus c minus c minus c minus c minus like that and then i tag and then i let david

take a couple turns at him because we're all there yeah oh yeah i'll come from the top ropes yeah i'll be like maybe you've never just seen this movie maybe you just don't fucking know what i know you fucking dick obviously we're joking shout out to you afm you're wonderful we love you plus yeah but i am gonna beat your ass dude yeah nothing to do nothing nothing to do with friendship nothing nothing i'll buy you a beer afterwards but boy is it gonna be violent going down like bobby brown at the ground round dude you are getting beat it's going to be gross no my actual final pick we're not actually going to be a female it's going to be gross that is no but like how was the fight it was gross dude it was gross i'm gonna beat up uh this dude just because i can't take well okay i'll save him for honorable mention who i'm going to beat up this dude just because I can't take,

well, okay, I'll save him for honorable mention. Who I'm going to beat up? I'm going to beat up fucking Scott Pilgrim. Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wow.

Okay. Michael Cera's Scott Pilgrim. I know he's the hero of that movie and that series of books and everything, and a lot of people probably like him, and this might be a polarizing pick, but he's dating a 17 year old high school 17 year old high school student who like who he then breaks up which is real weird he's dating knives chow and i just i i don't know i just don't like his whole vibe like in the movie and by the end you kind of like a michael cera whatever i don't know i don't know he kind of

makes you but there's something about him where i'm just like this guy needs to get beat up somebody needs to beat up scott pilgrim and it's gotta get clapped up a little bit yeah yeah he's just like he's just like an annoying like negative fucking like hipster doofus and i think maybe it was living in portland for so long and like meeting all these people who thought they were Scott Pilgrim or whatever. I'm just like, somebody needs to just fucking punch you in the face. You need to get punched in the face. Maybe even just the one time. But like you need it.

And where this is happening is at a coffee shop in Portland. I'll tell you, man, it's amazing. I've been hit in the face a few times and it'll change how you operate pretty quick. If you're operating poorly, it will correct. If you're just talking some shit on one end of the phone to someone you shouldn't be doing

that to and they come over and give you a couple taps, you don't do that again. A few years later, you're like, I needed that for sure. Otherwise, it could have been a lot worse. And listen, Scott Pilgrim fights a bunch of people who are worse than him in Scott Pilgrim. But that doesn't mean he doesn't also need to get punched. That doesn't make him a hero.

Classic, you know? Just because it's colder there doesn't mean cold weather here is warm. You know what I mean? Sure. Total classic saying. Everybody says that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody.

I've seen t-shirts with that i've seen t-shirts i saw a couple tattoos with that i mean it's like a lot of people say that scott pilgrim is the final pick or the cold weather here is warm man sean jordan went first to recap he took percy from the green mile the warden from shawshank jafar quagmire and shooter mcgavin david went next and the characters he would like to beat up david would like to beat up garfield richard from tommy boy pete from a goofy movie ross from friends and buddy love from the nutty professor you're it's good harper went third and harper would like to beat up clover lang the karate kid billy zane from titanic junior from problem child and one of the raptors from

jurassic park oh man and then i went last and i took Alan Rickman and Love Actually, Harry Potter's extended family, King Joffrey, Luke Skywalker, and then Scott Pilgrim. We left a lot of fucking people on the board. Yeah. C-3PO. David hasn't even smiled like yeah C-3PO yeah I get it yeah you guys didn't want to beat his ass no he doesn't yeah I do want to beat his ass

actually salacious crumb from Star Wars who's that weird little monkey rat who sits on job of the huts lap oh god yeah he could get it yeah zazu from the lion king oh zazu's a good one i'd like to fight barney oh barney yeah that'd be fun too because you'd be like i would like to uh join the super troopers side in the winnebago fight so i get to fight the vermont state or the vermont police department or whatever town it was yeah yeah i didn't know how to do this one. I don't want to beat her up, but someone should beat up Moesha.

Yeah. Wow. She was a dickhead. Watch that show. She was a real dick. Is she a dick in it? She was a real dick. She was making fun of her friends for being fat and being shitty to her stepmom and shit.

Oh, fuck her then. She's real shitty. Someone should also beat up Dolores Umbridge from Harryry potter yeah yeah she's a bummer when she makes him write his name and it scratches it in his hand yeah i've been watching a lot of a lot of hallmark christmas movies a lot of lifetime christmas movies and i don't think this is a hallmark or a lifetime one but um but But Aaron suggested one of the women from the happiest season. I thought, that's not for me, but if you want to fight her, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, Ian, I'm not going to strike a woman. But I would like a woman to beat her up. She's terrible. I like that. It's an awful movie, yeah. Most Jason Schwartzman characters I'm going to slide in there. Yeah. Man, yeah. Yeah. most Jason Schwartzman characters I'm going to slide in there yeah Adrian Grenier from

Devil Wears Prada yeah I thought you were going to say Vince and I was going to have to help you we were going to share air real quick if you said Vince I felt the draft getting away from me a little bit with some of my picks

so I kept Sean Lee from Bloodsport. You know, but I've seen him get beat too. Yeah, you picked the fucking Velociraptor instead. The Raptor was the right pick over Sean Lee. You are next. Oh, the guy

I took a different Love Actually character, but the guy with the signs from Love Actually. I almost picked him, yeah. What the fuck are you doing, buddy? Rick from Walking Dead, man. Yeah. Andrew Lincoln, that guy's name. What are you doing?

What a weird move. Scheming. That's what he's doing. Jason Derulo from Cats. Oh, I haven't seen Cats yet. Also Jason Derulo from TikTok. Yeah. Just Jason Derulo.

That fictional character. I love Jason Derulo. I think he's a good singer. Marissa, who would you like to beat up. That fictional character. I love Jason Derulo. I think he's a good singer. Marissa, who would you like to beat up? A fictional character. Oh, King Joffrey for sure. I just want to punch that guy in the face. And Ramsay.

Joffrey and Ramsay. One knuckle sandwich each. Yeah. Well, those are our picks. We want to hear yours. Hit us up at All Fantasy Pod on Twitter. All Fantasy Podcast at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything sub.com. Shout out to everyone on the all fantasy

everything subreddit. Shout out to everyone on the AFE Patreon. Thank you so much for holding us down and supporting us, especially this time of year. We know money, there's so many different ways you could spend it, and it means the world that you choose to share it with us so we can keep

doing this shit. We love you for that. Shout out to super producer Marissa. Mar uh we love you for that shout out to super producer marissa marissa thank you for another wonderful year of podcast another year of course yeah this is uh yeah this is like the this is so much fun to do every single week and it's it truly brings me so much positivity and i and it's work as well so it's like i don't know it's just amazing and i feel so lucky to be working with you guys hell yeah we feel we talked about fighting for an hour and a half or two hours that with the positivity but you know it's all love yeah we say this uh i'd like ian to take his headphones off right now but i just want to say that this is my favorite podcast like legitimately

my favorite podcast during the pandemic i uh i had i did i wasn't listening to them for a while right because i was just i don't know what i was doing yeah i had like eight i had like 18 in a row that i needed to listen to and i jammed through them all in about a week and it was it was like i got to hang out with you guys again it was like a fantastic like cool like just week of listening to you guys and it's legitimately i tell everyone to listen to this podcast you know i love you guys but this is uh this is my favorite favorite podcast every single week we love you i mean i didn't have my headphones on so i didn't hear anything i didn't hear any of that i was listening to great fuck with dray day just for like about 20 seconds but i we love you i love you too just apropos of nothing uh yeah i can't wait till we can hang out

again in real life yeah we gotta drink some beers man yeah yeah and just let me let me know when i can move into the house because i you know i text you a few times i got a spare room for you whenever you want to come up and move right in yeah rent rent free yeah it's my girlfriend's cat's room but like you can stay there i'm sure BJ would be okay with that. I'm good with cats, yeah. Whenever you're up in Pack NW, we got a spare room upstairs. I'll live there, too. A couple shout-outs here.

Shout-out to Will Estes from Tennessee, from Tom. Jesse Robb, shout-out. Oh, yeah. Marissa from Ashley. How you living? Jesse, J Mills, 321 on Twitter, shout-out. Sorry for the tough times. Good vibes your way.

Absolutely. And Michael Taylor, shout out. How y'all doing? Big shout. Yeah, big shout. And I could not mirror the sentiment more. This has been, this is what I look forward to every single week. This is the highlight of, this is my job.

It's crazy. It's crazy to me that that's possible that we get to do this that everyone is such like we have such good fans and listeners and everyone's so supportive it's just david logged out dude i don't know i just can't like we'll be sitting on the couch sometimes and i just i just sit and i'm like i really i love uh i'm happy and like extremely and that's you know it's not that easy to come by like so i try to enjoy it and embrace it for what it is and this is this is why i feel that way so amen just just real quick let me uh as a patreon subscriber you're welcome sean yeah thanks

the years go by so fast let's hope the next beats the last shout out to saint sue carmel shout out to sid the dude shout to haji beats shout to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Sid the Dude. Shout out to Haji Beats. Shout out to Frankie Ocean. Shout out to everyone in Odd Future. Shout out to Left Brain. Who have we missed every other time? Shout out to... What's the guy?

I can't remember anyone else. Jasper? Do we ever do Jasper? Shout out to Jasper. Shout out to Earl Sweatshirt. Shout out to Taco. Shout out to Jasper. Shout out to Earl Sweatshirt. Shout out to Taco. Shout out to Domogenesis. You know,

shout out to Elboy. There's a lot of people. There's so many. I'm forgetting Mike's name. Mike D? Is Mike D? That's Beastie Boys. That is a Beastie Boy. Shout out to Mike G. Mike G. Yeah. And more important than all of that, tune in again next week to another brand new episode

of All Fantasy Everything. Sha-clackity. that was a hate gun podcast